Sparkatale

Hey! I've been meaning to leave an actual review for the last while, but I was off this site for quite some time, and honestly I'm probably finished with SparkaTale as a whole. I did want to leave a review here though, because I took the time to read some more and this story has got some great potential! The world-building was always a pretty good strength of yours - you create contrasting nations and intertwine them really well - and your cast of characters are introduced slowly but never get lost as the story progresses. I've learned a thing or two from this project for my own writing, and you should be proud of it! ^^ Whatever you want to do with this novel - whether this is just something for yourself or if you plan to publish it - I hope it works out super well for you!

This was an incredible, self-contained story. There was so much detail included in every single sentence, I was able to picture every single scene, every single emotion of the character, and the weight of the decisions she made. Then there was a shift in the point of view, moving to another character who completed the rest of the story. It was seamless and I was immersed in it. One of my favorite reads on this website.

Okay, so I've read what you've put up on your story, and I feel that this star rating would be the most accurate. Your story has potential, most definitely, but it needs quite a bit of work. The good points: You've shown that you can write particularly heavy scenes - especially towards the second half of the story - with Chapter 8 and 11 being my personal favorites. Characters like Six and Levi stood out for me, particularly Six when he was first introduced because of his mysterious nature, and Levi's dual-personaility, the nicer side to him fading completely on account of his murderous traits. Silver also received pretty unexpected (good) development, and of course, Oracle... Your dialog definitely improves towards the end of the story, I'd suggest a little bit of tinkering in the early chapters as well (as mentioned in my earlier comments.) I wasn't a big fan of Jewel. I grew used to her as the story moved on, but I never properly liked her. I guess it's because she never lives up to her exceptional brainpower, doing stupid things and never utilizing her abilities once inside that maze. Zed, too, became a disappointment to me. He abducted a number of individuals, personally applied tattoos to their (naked) bodies, and trapped them inside a forest. However, at the very end of the story, we're left wondering what was the point of all of this? He has the potential to be this perverted, evil mastermind, but he simply came across as this bored individual who didn't much mind what happened. I don't know, I was expecting much more for the finale. I've already mentioned suggestions and critiques. but I'll repeat myself here in an effort to help you to improve: You need to write more about the enviornment people find themselves in (just think, what do your characters see? What do they hear? - leaves, machinary, water trickling - what do they smell? - pine trees, dust - etc.) Also, the first few chapters are about a virus, and then it vanishes completely. Definitely reference it throughout your story. I'm almost entirely sure you will lose marks for leaving out that important plot detail. I mentioned in an earlier comment to write a single pargraph at the beginning of a few chapters on what it's doing to the United States, and the wider world in general. It would definitely help you. Zed needs to become much more of an antagonist. He leaves quite a weak presence here, when he should be at LEAST as cold and calculating as Levi, at a minimum! You have no problem writing of rape, and creating graphic scenes, so I KNOW you have the potential to turn him into a terrible nightmare, but he just seems...comical. (I know that wasn't your intentions, but to be it feels like that.) Having said ALL of those negative things, I would implore you to keep writing! All it is is Practice - Practice - Practice, and trust me, I had written much worse than you, and I still need to improve on my own flaws and weaknesses, but we'll all get there eventually! To finish - if you edit this story here, and it improves, I have absolutely no problem increasing the star rating! So I wish you the very best of luck! If there's anything else you need I'm a PM away!

Spelling needs a lot of work. And I believe you still need time to get to know how to work this website, to upload chapters and the like. What is the point of this story? Is that excerpt a direct copy from the bible? (If so, it's not very creative, now is it?)

I'm going to be as constructive as I can with this review, but you've already seen the low rating and unfortunately this is the standard of the novel that I just read so far. Of course, there are many reasons as to why I feel this only deserves two stars and I will go through what I think you need to improve on, so you can improve your stories and grow as a writer with time and patience! To start with, there's no real character growth. Every single character seems 'One-dimensional' and play to their stereotypes. For example, Soto is meant to be this cold, calculating assassin, but there is no sense of emotion within him at all. He feels like a robot, when readers would much prefer a character who starts one way, and learns and improves their personality by the time your novel ends. (Example: Character A begins the story as a homophobic teenager, but throughout the story A meets B - a new gay teen who just moved in. Throughout this hypotethical story, A learns that being homophobic makes no sense when he discovers that B is just as nice and intelligent as any other person, and fights with himself over his new-found realization etc.) From that little example, you see character A grow as a person - all people grow over time - so when writing your stories, try and give your characters certain characteristics, but ALSO write out where you would like them to be by the END of the story. (Example: Does Soto soon grow wery of his past? Does he find clues as to his parents' murderers? Does he finally meet them PERSONALLY? etc...) Secondly, your chapters are much, much too small. It may feel like a long time writing those words, but when reading them it took me less than a few minutes. It wasn't long enough to hold my attention. Now I'm obviously going to backtrack and say that I'm not looking down on you when I write this - because the very fact that you're writing at ALL shows that you are intelligent and creative and willing to create a world and the people living in it and I applaud that - but when I also started writing I too started with 500 or so words until a few readers critiqued that it was too short. Over time I gradually increased my writing until I could confidently write 2,000, then 3,000, and now 4,000 words. It just takes practice! Thirdly, the 'environment' of your story was completely underdeveloped. I have no sense as to where Seto lives, where his school is situated and whether or not he lives in a town or city, surrounded by trees or mountains or concrete. It's actually quite important to get this right because readers need to feel like they are inside your world, and it just felt...completely barren to me. Definitely when reading over other people's work try and specifically watch out for how people detail the world in which their characters live in. Fourthly, there are a large number of grammar errors throughout your story, and there really is no excuse for that. (It is my biggest gripe with a story.) I would reccommend that when you finish a chapter and put it up, read over it IMMEDIATELY and correct any mistakes IMMEDIATELY. I made the unfortunate mistake of ignoring my grammar errors for two of my completed novels, and I spent weeks going through a total of 50 chapters and 170,000 words correcting every single mistake, so I could learn from my own advice! Finally...the plot. There is none. There is absolutely no key reason why people would continue to read, and I know that sounds horrible but that is just my brutal opinion. You need to know how your story will go before you write it (Again, there seems to be no story arc, no beginning, middle or end.) You seem to have a co-author in this story? I would reccommend brainstorming with each other and coming up with different ideas for an overall story, not just a chapter after another. That is it for critiquing, and I want to apologize for sounding mean and demeaning in this rather long letter, but I really do want you to keep it up and to continue writing, because this story CAN be saved, and when you start new stories you will already have experience in brainstorming and writing out new ideas and they will show a noticeable improvement! Don't feel disheartened by this, just remember: 'Every setback is an oppertunity for a comeback!'

As a collection of short stories, these hold a lot of potential. It was a terribly confusing story before, but the fact that we now know that these are a series of one-chapter stories makes things easier to understand. Each individual circumstance between each set of characters were nicely-judged, their conversations and emotions were mostly fine, and you have many various themes, some of them I did not expect when I first came across this story. Some of your chapters MAY still be a little short, but I can appreciate that this is still a 'work in progress'. One thing I would suggest is to look up different works from different writers to see how they describe the surroundings of each set of characters (you would be surprised how important the environment is for people to paint the picture in their head) as well as conversations between people (it's still a little bit...unrealistic in places) I'll add another star for each set of improvements made, but fixing the book description was the first step in the right direction. Keep it up!

This...this work is easily one of the most engaging fantasy novels that I had come across in a while. So engaging and immersive! There are virtually no negative aspects to it that I could think of, but there are certainly a whole lot of positives that spring to mind. 1. There's so much more emotion in this story compared to your last one, it's such an enormous leap forward! The very first chapter, the Dragon's attack on the Kingdom, the sense of fear from both mother and child, Queen and Prince, was something that took me by surprise. Discovering what was inside the cave, the feast, they were all memorable in their own right. 2. Your characters are MUCH more detailed compared to your previous work (which was hardly lacking in the first place) they all have their own personalities, their strengths and weaknesses, especially Thea, in my eyes. She seems more mature yet more juvenile than both Princes, because even though she wails at the earliest opportunity, she knows more about the realities of life than they do considering they are royalty and never need to clean up after their merriment, and why would they once servants like herself were around to clean it up? 3. The girl at the cave...this threw away my expectations. You see, I had originally thought that once the blood had been absorbed into the stone, a Dragon would hatch, compared to works such as 'Eragon' but I was pleasantly surprised by the supernatural woman, and her instant appearance drawing fear among her onlookers. The twist at the end of the third chapter was really unexpected and I applaud such a clever plot twist! 4. My only qualm with 'Skies' was the lack of description with the surroundings such as Merryvale. Here, however, that is not the case, and you painted the scenes very well, I could immediately grasp just how large, narrow, tight, or vast each new environment was, especially when the Princes visit the cave for the second time, so a very well done there. 5. The Narrator. This is a very clever way of telling a story, and she becomes a character in her own right. She had witnessed all the events, her identity is a mystery to me, and I have immediately tried in vain to deduce who she could be. I'm very glad she has her own personality and traits, because even other authors who include them assign them virtually no personalities whatsoever, simply assigning them to their role. The level of work here, the absolute lack of any grammar or spelling mistakes, the vast improvement over 'skies' and this is something I want to share with people, and I fully plan on doing just that, because this work deserves it, Well done.

It definitely has some potential, but there are a few things that need to be sorted out first. To start, I like the backdrop of the plot, an oppressive king taking over and limiting technology (the drones being one example of how far things have come, they remain the stuff of science fiction today.) and those dissatisfied with his rule joining together and overthrowing the oppressor. However, there's just so much that is missing that I could never seem to get a clear picture over what's going on. To start with, you never get a sense of just HOW deprived the towns and cities are. Aside from Richard, there doesn't seem to be much wrong. It would be better if you added details of the surrounding area your characters occupy, in the case of Chicago, you could say that the buildings had collapsed or look neglected, smog filling the sky from primitive fires ( considering people are reduced to the dark ages) hungry children and beggers clambering for money or food. Also, the way the 'Alliance' had formed was a bit...I don't know, but your characters never seem to be serious about what they're doing. You never get a sense of just how vile the king really is. In fact, you do not get a sense of him at all. Not one person in the crowd talks about him in a negative way, and though I can understand that he uses propaganda to come across as a rightful and powerful man, it's never explained as to how he took control, what he did to keep it, and why people hate him so much at the present day. Despite all of this, your story has some good points. Your main characters have certain traits among them that make them believable. Virtuous, argumentive, looking to change the world. As I said before, including overhead drones really gets a sense of how advanced technology has become ( though you should add a LOT more examples in your future chapters) and the sudden twist at the end of your last chapter so far was unexpected, and a genuine twist. My advice would be to write a prelude to show us how King Harrison came to power, add more to your existing chapters so people can see just HOW deprived the town and citypeople are, and more emphasis on futuristic technology, but don't give up!

I have to say this right now, I laughed quite a bit at your story from the very first chapter to the very last word. (And that's a good thing, and I'll explain why right now.) The story is just so fantastically, refreshingly bonkers that it completely took me by surprise, and I just kept reading to see what would happen next in an ordinary school day through the eyes of a tenth-grader. It was chaotic, like there were a lot of people trying to get their view in on the story. (An example would be the main character's conversation with her own brain... it reminded me of schizophrinia (A good thing, by the way.) ) If I didn't have a friend of mine who talks/acts precisely like some of your characters, I would have told you that they felt a little unrealistic, but they don't, and to your credit they kept in character through the entire work of yours so far. Everything just felt so...left-field that it's impossible to ignore, let alone stop reading. And then we have Naomi, and an intriguing sense of mystery thrown into the mix, just what precisely happened in the bleach room that day? I'm not even sure if you meant to write like this, or if this is how you type everything, but it's just so...unexpected and flat-out fun that I would like to see more!

I have to admit, I don't read much fantasy works, but yours was genuinely interesting enough to pull me in. I have only read the first four chapters so far, but I really enjoyed your style of writing, reminiscent of Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones. Immediately we're pulled into Merlin's point of view, from humble beginnings to a new destiny thrust upon him. I liked the premise of using dreams (or nightmares). Both characters so far, Merlin and Arwen, have distinct characteristics and personalities, it's interesting to see just how Arwen morphs from one selling bread and caring for pigs, into a full-blown Queen. The task, based on religion, offers such a great oppurtunity as the backbone of the plot, because everyone knows that religion is such a subjective and varying thing, just look at all the different religions that exist today, and the conflicts that escalate because of disagreements over them. I can already tell that tensions will surface if Merlin and Arwen do try to restore a secure footing for the religion of the Goddess, and how those who oppose this will react. It's important to get readers to think like this, to imagine the next scenario and possible points of view from both sides, and I got that from your story. Having said that, there are a few (tiny) flaws, but I can appreciate that this work is still in progress. There are a few spelling mistakes (Like 'i'm' instead of 'I'm) and I would like more description of their surroundings. I had no idea just how large or small Merryvale was, how many people who were living there, other businesses and trades beside the bakery and the barn. Is it next to a river? Are there mountains? What was the weather like? You need not write long paragraphs about them, but it's nice to get a feel for the world you are trying to create, as well. For example: "Arwen rushed through the center of Merryvale, alive with the rush of customers and trademen carrying about their daily chores, the metallic clang of weapons mixing with the fresh smell of baked bread." etc. But your work IS good, I'm not trying to take that away from you, you can definitely improve, but I would rate this as 80%, and I would like to read more, which means you're doing pretty well!

Very interesting premise for a story, and even though you have many different points of view from different characters, each of them are interesting enough to keep it from being tedius. The Splitting Wars, huh? Even after fifty years the effects are still felt on society, that's strange yet it makes me wonder just what had happened to society in general, and I'm not sure if you meant to do that, but it works. You describe the surroundings, the major and minor characters, and the society very well. I liked 'The Musician' quite a bit, as well as 'The Reader', very nice chapters there. My only qualm is that, as a person who regularly reads/writes 3000+ word chapters, yours is perhaps just a little too short, especially in 'The Reader'. It just felt like things were about to get interesting, only for the chapter to be cut off prematurely. Of course, this is all objective, and 'The Musician' was actually the exception, I didn't feel like it was lacking in story, but that's just a little qualm of mine. Despite that, I find your story quite endearing, I'll be sure to follow it and the subsequent chapters!

I'm going to start with a simple statement: I love Zombie novels. Can't get enough of them. I've read countless versions both on here and in Fictionpress (FanFiction as well if you count the 'Walking Dead' fictions, which I do.) But for me, most, if not all of the novels I've read often lack something, something that seperates a 'good' novel into a 'great' one. Your novel proves to be one of the few exceptions, in the way that you do not spend the majority of your time describing the zombies and the apoclypse they created. Instead, you focus on the two main characters, their relationship from the second they spot each other right up until the very end. You've taken a very 'less-is-more' approach, but it makes this an effectively-engaging novel. While normally I'm not a fan of different 'classes' of zombies (walkers, regulars, screechers etc...) you somehow make the prospect appealing to me. I can only assume in my head that 'runners' could be zombies that are still relatively fresh and able to use their still-functioning muscle mass to sprint and dash, and so on and so forth. You detailed the enviornments each character was in very well, I never lost sense of where they were or where they were traveling to, and Tim and Audrery were a nice, if minor, sub-plot. However, and I'm sure you're aware of this, but there a number of grammatical errors, nothing major, just saying 'focus' instead of 'focused' and so on, a simple round of editing will erase them, but for now they rob this review of a fifth star. Despite this, your novel is one of the most refreshing stories I've come across in a while, keep it up!

Very refreshing to see this kind of idea, no real commitment to any story, but there's just so many ideas in this collection that it doesn't matter. I always try and imagine what happens next with short, abrupt chapters, so you could probably imagine my excitement when I came across this! It's unique, fresh, and even in those 500 seconds per story, you write in such a pleasant style! Thank you for uploading these.

I hope you realize just how shockingly competant a writer you are. This pulled me in from the very second I found it. You described the scenes well, the character descriptions, the emotions of uncertainty, curiosity and wonder. I can't fathom what kind of world this is, and what people do with their lives before their 'choosing', but that's part of the appeal. The very last sentence was unexpected and entirely surprising, but it formed a suitable ending, and I loved that. It's such a shame that this will not be continued, but it leaves the reader to wonder, long after they finished reading the final letter. You're able to make people engage and ponder with such a small story, and that's incredibly rare. I could learn a lot from your work, and I hope others come across this, too!

Hmmmmm......Well, let me first clear up by saying that this is a rather good story, with nicely-written characters in a high-school setting. The Barbie Association, in all his/her anonymous glory, was the obvious highlight, assigning a caste system of 'Barbies' for the school year. And his/her snarky tone was easily the best diologue in the entire story. However, and I know this was mentioned already, but there's far too many POV's, coming in from all directions. Even when we stick with one person's POV, you still break things up unnessecerily. (Example: with 'Lucky continued', we knew we were still in Lucky's POV then, there was no need to add that.) In all honesty, it felt like a chore to continue reading (and I know that sounds harsh, but it's just a simple matter of making the chapter easy-to-read.) If you could assign one person's POV per chapter, it would become much more accessible to read. I want to once again say that this is a good story with a nice plot, it just needs an editor's touch!

This is an endearing story, and I quite like it. I liked the setting of Sazakira, and the battle schools through the country. Hiro is an intruiging character, as is Lisanna, and I liked their relationship growing through the story. I haven't read all of it yet, but the battle between Lisanna and Ares was a highlight for me, and you obviously researched Japanese weaponry quite well. However, there are a number of spelling mistakes throughout your chapters, tiny things, nothing that can't be fixed easily. I also noticed that you went from 1st person to 3rd person a lot, sometimes in the same chapter. I found it a bit confusing. Despite this, your story has something I can't quite put my finger on, but it's something I can't stop reading. Please keep it up! (Improved the star rating based on improvements in your story.)

It was a solid opening chapter, and it was very well managed. I liked the suspense of the chase in the beginning, and the eventual escape with help from Ariana. You're able to confidently create characters with appealing personalities, and Ariana's relative air-headedness was very well done. The warehouse setting was interesting too, I can imagine how she made it her home, Interior Designers kill to make create that unusual atmosphere in homes! But there were a few things I spotted that rob you of a fifth star. -Ariana asks who was pursuing Kayla, despite seeing the police run past them. Cops are very distinguishable, so I found that question a bit.....unrealistic. is it just me? Maybe I should look over it again. what I'm DEFINITELY sure of, however, is that the first thing said cops would ask Ariana, a girl living.in.an.abandoned.warehouse, would be 'what are you doing here?' Warehouses are private property, even if they're empty, someone owns them, so Ariana is technically trespassing. The cops would have Kayla at the top of their minds, but there was no way they would simply gloss over Ariana's residence there. Despite that, your chapter is 90% excellent, I loved the diologue between the two main characters, and you balanced suspense and sentimental moments rather well. I'll read more of your story, and I'll re-address the star-rating if I like what I see. Well done!

One of my favorite introductions to a novel, and I especially enjoyed the twist on 'Alice in Wonderland'. I'm actually very glad you made Alec gay, it's not a big deal ( at least in the opening chapter, which is all I read so far) but I can relate to him just that little bit more. I can also relate to the 'Terminator" characters as well, you made it look entirely believable. You're able to write really well, and I was able to follow every sentence, something that usually lacks in other novels. A very well done, I'm looking forward to reading more.

The idea for your story is quite good, I enjoyed reading it, but there are a few minor details that take the shine off your story: - It reads like a wall of text, it's much easier on the eye of the reader if you start a new line whenever someone speaks or thinks. -A few grammer errors, for example, 'it's' means 'it is' so when you write, for example, 'it's paw', it should be 'its paw' But these are small niggles, the story itself is good, keep it up!

A very-interesting start to what is sure to be a very-interesting novel!

A really promising introduction to your novel, your writing style is fantastic and the characters already have such a believable depth to them. Felix feels like the most-developed character so far, and his anguish over his failing relationship was excellently-written and equally relatable! Please keep it up.

Just took a quick look into this chapter, and it's pretty good! What struck me at first was the relationship Katherine and Abraham already have since the last chapter, and their dialogue was funny and sarcastic. Lady Lachlan was handled really well, both in your physical descriptions of her and her attitude. She appears to be acting in Katherine's best interests in the beginning, but then we see her true motives shine through with the introduction of Tevlan. Clearly a test that ruffled Katherine and Abraham's feathers, and the political consequences of accepting her gift could really upend her momentum. This was done really well, and you juggle new and old characters brilliantly.

Making a note of the other realms was another nice nod to worldbuilding - Marevalsig is clearly the polor opposite to Scogrys both in treatment of its citizens and the land itself - full of lush jungles for example - which was a nice contrast to what we got so far. Again, the political differences between the two - as well as the more neutral stance of Guzeltir - was really well defined.

Tevlan as a character is very interesting! You're quite good at introducing characters like this, and he comes with a rather huge caveat. Graceful and handsome as he is, he's clearly a threat, and he has really great potential as a character!

A few little niggles here - 1. The line 'Katherine replied. Then scribbled notes...' would look better if there was a comma after 'Katherine replied'  or even replace then scribbled with scribbling to make it flow better. 2. The sentence 'name her hadn’t been called ...' where the her should be changed. 3.The topic of slavery being common practice, and a good slave was highly valued, then the next sentence 'Hearing it from Lady Lachlan made Marevalsig sound like paradise.' reads that Katherine is OK with this practice. 4. The line 'not only can her turn into a wolf...' where the her needs to be changed. 5. The term 'his majesty’s most precious slave.' when the monarch in Marevalsig is a Queen so it should be Her Majesty? 

Quick edits aside, this chapter is another great one. You're juggling the wider politcal realm well with the everyday life of Katherine adjusting to this realm. Well done!
 

So, I had my comment all written up and ready to send here, but Sparkatale automatically logs users out after a certain time so when I posted it, it asked me to log back in again and I lost the comment ^^' 

To sum things up, this was an excellent chapter - dealing with the fallout of Morvolo and his slave trade being gutted, the world building with the introduction of Abraham from Guzeltir (where men and women are treated equally, in stark contrast to Scogrys) and gaining notable real estate all reads beautifully, and the cliffhanger sentence at the end was a perfect tie-in for Mathias.

There's a few spelling mistakes here and there that you might look into, and with the start of the chapter it feels like Morvolo losing his estate, the king replacing nobles and Katherine gaining Chateau Vertiver all happened really quickly. I'd sprinkle in some lines like "As time went on" or "As the weeks passed by" to flesh things out here, because politics is slow and it takes time for positions to be filled and protests to be organuzed. 

That's my only real critique here, this is an excellent chapter and it helps set up a lot of things for the reader. You should be proud of this one!

Hello (again) ^^' 

Fjollamir will be up for one more week, and after this weekend only the first three chapters will be available as it will soon be published. Just wanted to once again thank everyone who clicked onto this project, it really means a lot! 

Wow... I didn't expect this to go the way it did, but it really took a turn. The description of the room Katherine and company found themselves in was definitely unpleasant, but described very well. Mistress Rose buckles under any type of interrogation, and tries to convince herself that she's not as bad as the others by talking about giving her money back to the orphanage, but the orphanage is the one dealing with these shady acts! You left Mistress Adelaide out of it, which was absolutely the right decision because you can save her for a future confrontation. This section was great!

Lord Morvolo obviously has friends in high places, and has no qualms with breaking the law to meet his whims. It would be interesting to see if he survives the evidence Katherine had collected, or if he will be utilized as a recurring villian throughout the story. Your world is slowly becoming more harsh; first it was its treatment of women, then orphans and now slaves. It's all painting a world that could benefit from a fresh pair of eyes.

I need more time with the middle section of your chapter - when they actually storm the warehouse itself. I liked the approach the company took, but something just didn't gel with me. It might just be me! I'll try and circle back to it once I've read it a bit more. 

Also just a slight error here - 'she had clearly fought her captors with all her the might her little body could muster.'

This was a good chapter - especially the beginning and the end - and it did it's job of painting both the land and certain people in it in a darker light. Well done!
 

Yeah the characters seemed to have quite a lot of thought put into them, and it really shows! Also don't worry about characters going missing - we all do it with an ensamble of characters and I've accidentally dropped some of my own on more than one occasion ^^' Just re-read the chapter quickly and it flows much better now! Just gonna swing over to the next chapter!

Just taking a quick look into this chapter - I haven't read it fully yet but will make more time for it - but what I see immediately is the introduction of other characters. What I'm actually really starting to see in your work is that you're quite good at slowly introducing the cast and giving them time to shine in their introductory chapters. Everyone had time to speak and comment and mingle together, and the orphans have distinct personalities (Jason tries his best to be mannerly and courteous, while Asta hates being the youngest of the group) so we have a great idea of who they are from the moment you introduce them. This was a really good example of creating great characters so well done there! 

Tying in Karl to this arc was a neat little touch. I won't mention his circumstances in this comment in case other people here want to read, but even the simple things like staying silent and shrugging when asked a question gave readers a knowing nod as to how he knows Mistress Adelaide. The ending was also... mysterious! Again great use of a cliffhanger to get readers to continue your story. This feels like a side-quest, but a really well fleshed-out one!

Just a few things I've noted here; as we've continued reading the story, it feels like the plot point with Matthias have been dropped? He's roaming around Zazzora but Katherine seems to have forgotten him. It would be great if there was even a line about him sprinkled into the chapters here and there - maybe a passing thought of what her friend would have thought of seeing orphans being neglected on the streets, or just wishing he was OK? 

Also another little niggle, but I would have put  "They were giving Katherine a tour of Rigolerri, the Capital of Scogrys." at the start of your second paragraph and then explain that she was being escorted by Sir Cathmore and Sir Moor?  I just didn't know where we were in your story for a while ^^'

Other than that, this is a very solid chapter that gave us some nice exploration and new plot points, and is actually getting better the more chapters I'm getting into it! Keep it up!

Oh absolutely! I'm working on a trilogy at the moment and I always think it's perfect and then my long-suffering editor points out 27 things wrong xD There's always something to learn, but seriously what you have here is good! 

Karl definitely deserves a full character arc, please do tie up their loose ends! xD Definite a great introduction for the character! Can't wait to see what you come up with!

OK so I just took a quick look at this and there's a really interesting fight scene at the center of this chapter, and I like the message that comes with it! You write both characters fairly equally - Katherine recieves some damage for example - and it further reinforces the divide between men and women in Scogrys. Katherine's been written as a pretty confident person this entire time, so mocking Pellaton before their duel comes accross as natural (and it's nice to see a character who struggles with panic attacks and anxiety *also* display traits like this, making them much more multidimensional). 

Karl is an interesting addition to the roster! The revelation at the end of the chapter was a genuine surprise, but it opens up intriguing possibilities for the character considering what's at stake if their secret is discovered. You're peppering in these new intriguing details throughout the book which makes people want to continue through the book and that's really great to see! 

A few things though; I felt the leadup to the duel with Sir Pellaton happened very very fast, I'd maybe sprinkle in a few more bits of conversation with Deur to flesh him out a bit more - maybe he actually attempts a backflip and succeeds/fails? Other characters could get time to shine here? Or even describe the sights and sounds of the training ground - do other knights practice with real swords or wooden ones? Do they practice sparring with each other or on targets? The weather - because the start of this chapter just feels a little rushed. 

While the fight itself is really good, you can add to it! Maybe even have Katerine escape from the clutches of defeat - like if Pellaton actually succeeds in locking her into a hold but manages to escape, or she tries to lock in an armbar while he's down but he overpowers her, etc. For someone who's clearly athletic with backflips, would Katherine try leg kicks to the liver or to the head in an effort to incapacitate him? You have a solid foundation already here in this chapter but you can really flesh out their individual fighting styles, especially since fighting will probably be a big component in future chapters! 

Another tiny detail, but there's a tiny bit of repetition in how Pellaton and Katherine land blows by elbowing in the face. It took me out just a little bit. 

These might look like big gripes but they're only small details in what's a great chapter overall! and I'm sorry for the absolute essays I constantly leave on your project xD This is a very good project you have here and I hope you keep it up!

I really enjoyed this! Took a quick glance at work a few days ago and finally have the time to actually sit down and take a proper look of it! Your descriptions are really good and paint a great picture of the world you're creating. There really is a sense of chaos as mobs surround homes, setting denizens alight etc. 

The multiple POVs were actually pretty surprising, it caught me off guard - in a good way! I had to adjust and learn not to invest too much into one particular character, because they came and went fairly quickly. You do it in a really cool way! Definitely taking notes on that!

This packed a lot into a single chapter. I'd be interested if stories like this were fleshed out if you ever planned on heading down that route. Well done!

It's been here for two years! I wouldn't blame you for missing it though seeing as it's a one-shot! Thanks so much for the comment though! Was a bit confused about the "so so sweet, especially when Nixon called his wife *that*" part though not going to lie to you there ^^' 

Oh I like this one! Love seeing the slow introduction of new characters so we spend some time with them and get to know them -  Lady Exeter was very well desribed here, both in physical appearance and how she talks/acts. Obviously she hasn't someone of Katherine's like and is well-accustomed to the customs of her world. She comes across as proficent in her field (I have no idea about costume designing lol, but speaking of dimensions, concept sketches and fabric swatches really gave me an idea of what she does and how she does it.)

The little bit about Lucas got me a little bit. Not gonna lie. Great harkback to the first chapter and her situation before she ended up in Zazzora. It's great to remind readers of beats like that!

Don't have much to critique here! The only thing I'd really even say is that the chapter feels like it ends really quickly. I thought there would be more after the brief introduction with Galena, but that's obviously what the next chapter is for xD This is really enjoyable (and I hope my constant comments aren't grating lmao)

So I finally have some time to read this again and I mostly like what I read here! (writing on mobile so this is going to be a wall of text lol) First thing I liked was that we're leaning even more into the society of Jinzedra - and Zazzora as a whole - and the theme of women stiflement is showing up. Even the dress at the beginning of the chapter seems to be stifling in more than one sense (restricting her breathing and making her look more palatable by covering her tattoos) which I thought was a nice touch. You're clashing traditional and modern cultures quite well here - with Katherine protesting against the idea of an arranged marriage - and writing up the King as a man who is quite disgusting as a person (If you produce a male heir, he could be the Hero we need.) but framing it as if this is the only natural conclusion he can arrive at *because* of the way his world is. Katherine is written quite strongly here, to the point where even Aricela asked her to calm down. It would be nice to have a line or two added here and there harking back to her anxiety ( she suffered pretty badly with it last chapter, and nowhere to be seen in this one) just for continuity - she could be terrified at the sight of the King, she might struggle to come up with the right words for a split second etc - but otherwise I liked her arc and the ending and the great message at the end of it! One thing I'll mention here ( because my own friend/editor is grilling me for it in my own Fjollamir book, the ever-patient person that they are xD) is that you could use some expressions to go with the characters' dialogue. Like when Katherine is faced with the proposal, does she turn pale at the thought? Do her eyes widen? Eyebrows raised? Does she take a step back? Likewise with the king, does his cheeks burn red in anger? Does he pinch the bridge of his nose when he feels like he's losing his patience? Just little things like that would really help flesh out the conversations these people are having and make it more believable (and again, I could very well follow my own advice!) but I really enjoyed this chapter overall!

Just wanted to ask about this particular chapter - is this a misplaced chapter? I'm seeing names I've never seen in the previous chapters and it seems to be much further ahead in the plot?

Oh we got a lot of world-building in this chapter! I really love that, sort of thing in novels (I'm more invested in how a world works rather than being character-led) and its clear you poured a lot of detail into it - Aricela is interesting and I like how she serves exposition while also being a character in her own right. She must be formidable if she could rise above the unfair and harsh laws this world has placed on women. Also as a person who deals with anxiety myself, the description of Katherine in this chapter was absolutely well done. From the room suffocating her to the familiar items she used to ground herself in the moment, this was very well done! Thaumaturges are both feared and effectively tied to a leash (forced to go to Morkulas) and I found that duality interesting! Also I realized that Matthias may be in this world as well! I can imagine that Katherine is searching for her friend while also dealing with Scorgys and what they expect from her. Anyway overall this was a great chapter and it really draws me in to read more!

OK, so I had more time to look into this chapter in more detail, and just wanted to share some of the things I liked about it: Firstly, the way you wrote Katherine in the beginning - both before and after Lucas - was really well done. Just little things like describing the apartment, turning it into a home, and using senses to further describe the scene ("Waking up to the smell of coffee") The Katherine after Lucas is a much different person - how could she not be? - but you can really feel the effort she had to make to move in your writing. I felt like we only got a passing glance at Matthias in this chapter. Hopefully we see a bit more of him because he was introduced fairly well as a supporting character! The second half of this chapter is an absolute whiplash and I'm here for it! Contrasting architectural styles, really driving home the point that Katherine has no idea what's going on, while the residents of Scogrys speak to her as if she knew why they brought her there, I want to read on and see where this goes! Just a few tiny nitpicks in this chapter like I mentioned, but honestly they're the tiniest things: The word "box" is repeated several times in one paragraph (Katherine retrieved the last box... This box was smaller than the others... This box wasn't labelled...) and "Katherine" herself (... Coming up from the ground beneath Katherine... Magical circle that formed around Katherine) where it might be better to use different descriptions, but again this is just so nitpicky that it doesn't take away from the chapter itself. Looking forward to reading more!

Just took a quick look at this because I missed this book upload, and it looks promising so far! Your writing style... I can't describe why I like it so much, but it was easy to read and pretty interesting. You set up the character dynamics and the tone very well! There's only a few spelling errors in the chapter but nothing a simple edit won't fix! Looks good! I'm woeful for sticking to stories but I'll try my best to read a bit more but well done!

I just saw this pop up and said I'd take a look (you write a lot of star wars fanfiction but I haven't had the time to click into them) but honestly I thought this was really well written. Ths style of writing actually gives me Karen Traviss vibes (my favorite author oh my god her work on Star Wars and Halo!) and even though I'm not well-versed in the lore outside of the movies, I can tell that you add a lot of detail while also alluding to other aspects of the SW canon ( "a certain Imperial Admiral making a huge mistake, one that cost him his life." )

I also need to get back into Tales of Dragenia, sorry for the delay xD Well done!

Hi all!

Alskafjall is the second novel in the Fjollamir trilogy, and I will be aiming to have the first draft finished by the end of the year. I'm putting the finishing touches to Fjollamir and plan on restoring it here on Sparkatale for a limited time to see what you guys think! If you have any interest in the project let me know, and if there's anything of yours that you'd like me to read in return I'd be more than happy to take a look!

Happy writing!

Oh a HP fanfic! I haven't read one of these in a while! 
It looks good so far, you set out the premise and the characters quite well. I like Max Paige as a character already, takes a lot for someone to stand tall and be proud when people around him talk about a family legacy like his. I'll try and keep reading on as much as I can.

Hi all! Today is the last day that Fjollamir will be public and will be taken down tonight. Just wanted to say thank you to those that commented and for the readers who clicked into the project 1000+ times! The feedback was constructive and amazing and I cannot thank you enough! Happy reading!

This was a great introduction to the story, I really enjoyed it. Your writing style is much different to mine and flows really well, and you pepper in little world-building elements without detracting from the scene itself. The three main characters who speak - ~Diana Mary-Ann & Camellia - all have distinct personalities. I'm curious about where it goes next!

I've seen this story edited for a while but never really got into it. Just taking a quick look now with the prologue - it looks good without giving away anything from the main story, save for the customer's name and rough timeframr from which it's set.

I guess the one line I found that could be tidied was 'Societies have both blossomed into come and gone picking up the pieces of minds shattered by a gaze ...' it reads a bit awkwardly but nothing a simple edit can't fix. But looks good otherwise. Looking forward to reading more though.

Wow two users commenting in one day xD There's no problem at all! Take your time there's no rush I'm delighted people are commenting at all on my story xD I'm glad you're enjoying it in any case -  I want to tweak the therithian fight just a little bit but otherwise I'm happy it caught your interest. Let me know if you have the same opinion as Rayaan c96 about the fantasy names being a little confusing - or if you spot anything else to critique - because I can see why it would be a bit much xD

Thanks again!

Thanks for the comment!

I see, I'll try and simplify that and make it easier in the next round of edits. It's great that you mentioned it to me because that's the first time it's been mentioned. Magic is still being implemented in the edits so it may be a bit bare-bones at the moment. It's being addressed though!

Thanks so much for the review and comment! Yeah the site came back up a few months ago! xD The symbols are an important plot point - you might have read the book already judging from your review but stuff is being edited at the moment. I love the Aqueskins, and the novel and future books will show how important they are to the story as well! I'm glad you enjoyed it ^^

Oh! I see that this is being re-written! I was reading it casually before the website outage from a few months back, great to see that you're getting back into it again!

Much like the other comment, the thing I immediately noticed and appreciated was the POV of the Gifted towards the start of the project, where it wasn't in the previous draft of the story. I remember the Leader, and it's great to see some back-story behind this character. What intrigued me was the fact that she was only Leader for two months on this assignment, obviously ruffling a few feathers along the way I see ^^' 

The hunt for a supposed traitor was impactful, considering her reasons for being in the village. You also do a great job of showing the distrust between Gifted and nonGifted in the way the Leader addresses the crowd, and especially in how 481 did what was done to the nonGifted man. Obvious animosity, but really well done!

One error I spotted - nothing a simple edit won't fix - he a gust of wind blew past him ... but flawless otherwise. I'm looking forward to the rest of the project!

Hi all!

With Sparkatale back up and running again, I just wanted to see how many active users are here and if we can get some critiques and comments going! I'm working on Fjollamir at the moment, and if you're a fan of fantasy and want to give some honest critiques and comments my way, I can return the favor with any works of yours!

Fjollamir is only going to be up until December, so anything between now and then would be welcome!

Thanks! Happy reading and writing!

The title of this short story is a bit misleading, because this isn't really crappy. I think this is great! The way that you describe the sedan in great detail - while only alluding to its owner, what happened to them and where they might have gone - is a great way of getting the reader to think. We come to our own conclusions as to what might have happened, filling in the blanks. It's almost as if you're trying to distract us with the sedan and leave the real story go unexplained (Although I obviously may be reading far too much into it ^^' )

The phone in particular gives us a clue as to 1. how much time has passed and 2. the mindset of the car's driver. The single path leading to darkness is clearly ominous, but again its up to the reader to draw their conclusions. 

Only real thing you could do is perhaps space the chapter out into paragraphs, but that's honestly the only criticism. You told a lot of a story with not a lot of words. Well done! ^^

Reading a chapter a day isn't too taxing, I'm reading it in work so I have plenty of time to comb over it!

Again, the immediate impression I'm getting here is that of improvement; there's more confidence in writing here, less mistakes than the others, and the dialogue between Crox and Arlye is the best I've seen so far in the novel. I'm warming up to Crox in particular as a character. The introduction of Arline in this chapter was also really well set-up, especially since this character explained more about the world through conversation instead of you simply telling us. Very well done there.

The shift to Bran  - to show the perspective of somebody actually on the ground - was a great shift as well. The reader can see the difference between somebody on the ground and those in command. Great description and introduction to firearms in this chapter as well. You use Bran to explore more of the world as well for the reader, introducing us to some of the creatures that inhabit it. I lost my LIFE to the ostrich with a face as the front of its body ^^' 

The shift to Sokoro's point of view - retelling the events up until the collison with Bran, just through her eyes instead - was also really well done. They are two completely different characters, so to see them actually interact with each other was interesting! Sokoro and the characters she lives with are much more mischevious and playful compared to the comparitively-cautious humans, so again you did a great job of differtiating them. The introduction of an entirely different language to their ears was great! I didn't expect it, there's a clear language barrier but even by the end of this chapter they were starting to figure things out!

As I said earlier, this chapter is improved and better than the last few. The usual niggles are still present but they're fewer in number and again, a quick edit would fix them out. This is getting better with each chapter and I'm pretty invested in it now. Great work! 

 

Hi, I just took a look into chapter 3 (do let me know if my constant comments are annoying lol) but what I can immediately say is that there's definite improvement compared to the previous two chapters, a bit less tense-mixing than the others, and a lot more world-building. Sokoro is really coming into her own as a character; her excitement is very clearly visible, and honestly I didn't expect to see back-story about her parents. It adds a bit more weight, obviously going through such a trumatic event and still smiling despite it all. 

Again, more world-building, touching on the festival and mentioning the excitement surrounding the Silver Aerid (nicely showcasing that the big world-altering change is actually the human's arrival, I liked that!) and you mentioned the previous Silver Aerid and the omen that he was, which again allows us to know more about this world's history and I thought it was a great way of showing us rather than telling us. 

The end paragraph set things up very nicely for the next chapter as well!

Again, improvements were made. Still a little bit of tense-swapping and spelling, but nothing that editing can't fix! I'd imagine the next few chapters will be even better again, especially when both POVs encounter one another. Keep it up!

Ah there's no worries on that! My work is always the same before going back on it and finding the things to edit ^^' there's a solid story here!

Just starting the next chapter now - this comment will be written on my mobile so it'll probably just be a wall of text and spelling mistakes so I apologize ^^` I do like Daniel and Bran's banter, it's believable, snappy and witty. They have very clear personality traits, and the early dialogue flows very well. New characters are announced; I was actually surprised by Arlye and his non-human origins - this is a real mix of different species already, and humans would already be in contact with other forms of life. It was an interesting update! Again the conversation between him and Georgia Crox was believable and interesting. You could tell that they were well-acquainted. This chapter does a better job than the worst of describing the world they're on, seen through the eyes of a human for the first time as opposed to Sokoro and her kind who are well used to their surroundings. I guess the complaints here are the same as the first chapter; there's a lot of tense-swapping here (something I'm still struggling with myself!) where you move from past tense to present tense and then back again. If you're ever editing there would be no harm going back over your work to decide which tense would suit better. Another is the description of the ships themselves - there is a ton of description all in one paragraph, where to most people and readers they would never notice every single thing about an object on first glance. Some description is fine but the over-saturation of describing the ship took me out of it for a second. You can sprinkle descriptions of the shop throughout the entire chapter to spread out the info (for example, mention its size in one paragraph, mention its thrusters in another paragraph when it lands, mention its shape in another paragraph as people leave the ship and observe it etc.) Other than that this was another solid chapter though - it expanded on the first and introduced more characters and backstories and gave us another POV and I really appreciated it. Good job!

Ahahaha I know the feeling! Sparkatale is quiet but there has been a few readers who left a comment or two. No problem, I do love reading and pointing out the good in people's work, and there's clear potential in your work. I do love the warning of existential dread ^^' I'm probably going to be commenting on this book a bit so hopefully it doesn't get too annoying. I'll probably have another chapter comment ready by the end of the day!

Hi! I came back onto Sparkatale since the website was back up and running, and said I'd take a look at your work since you're still active and updating this! 

What I immediately like about your writing style is that you're good at describing both the characters and the workd around them; there's often times where I forget to do a lot of this and find out that my stories are a bit empty in the edits ^^' 

Sokoro and Vela already come across as long-time friends from the moment we see their interactions, you didn't have to tell us but it was shown quite organically which I liked to see. 

You show quite a bit about Sokoro from the dialogue you give - " I was queen of the world, had a ton of money, and lived in a grand castle" so even before I read on I know a bit about this characters aspirations, dreams, and a look at her poor upbringing without having it told to me. That's good characterization. 

One thing that struck me was that you introduced 8 seperate characters all at the same time and I found that a bit overwhelming, memorizing their names, descriptions etc. I had to jump up to this paragraph quite a lot during this chapter so as not to lose track of them ^^' 

The chapter then changes to a different setting altogether  - I still thought this was relevant to Sokoro based on the line "It was not only an important day for Sokoro..." so I was a bit confused (nothing a prargraph break won't fix!) but I quite liked the dynamic between Bran and Daniel, and the description of the planet from their point of view. Again, you're quite good at describing the world around these characters! 

Then pitching back to Sokoro - I'm starting to feel like this story is going to be told from multiple POV's - I love these sort of stories and I'd love to see how you weave these different characters and their actions together. They're all clearly excited for their coming-of-age ceremony. I'm actually quite surprised that the gods show themselves so readily and quickly in this story! There's a lot of potential from them going forward - what they thik of the human occupation, how they and their worshippers - like Sokoro - will handle their arrival. The Silver Ferid reveal... I get where you're going with it, but there was some repeated phrases. You mentioned twice that the last time a Silver Ferid existed was 500 years ago, for example. I do really like the ceremony where a Ferid dramatically transforms when they come of age, and that magic is a core mechanic here. Again, interesting to see how the humans interact with this!

I supose the critiques I have is that there's a few spelling and grammar mistakes throughout the chapter - I can't copy and paste some of them - but it's nothing a simple edit won't freshen up. The core concept of the story is promising and you introduced quite a lot of characters from two main POVs so I'm looking forward to reading more and seeing how they interact with each other! 

This hit in a real way. I knew going into it that there was going to be heavy subject matter, but not the way that you described it. The feelings - the anguish, the fear - was very vividly displayed. I'm a big fan of your work - I've read and commented on quite a few projects of yours - but this has a different weight to it. I sincerely hope you're OK, and you two take the time you need to recover from this. Always just a message away!

Honestly, I think we should both mutually agree that it's going to take 7-10 business working days to respond to each other's projects, because I still need to get around to reading another chapter of yours and I also need to apologize for the delay xD

Yeah, James Hanson plays a seperate arc in the story, to show how much Peter has grown by the end of it. The chapter where this all kicks off needs to be heavily edited, so that's subject to change. 

And thanks for the nitpicks, especially the age thing. It kinda unravels James' entire statement, doesn't it? xD Thanks for still taking time to read this project at all!

 

Thank you so much for commenting!

I'm glad that it helped; Palindrome has stalled so I'm feeling out new ideas and themes, and I had a dream about these exact two characters and wanted to make something for them. I'm really happy that you feel a tiny bit better - if you need anything at all I'd be more than happy to chat to you about anything at all!

Thanks again!

Hey! Sorry for the delay in getting back to you with your story - quarantine blues and things to do ^^' - but I'll try and make a more concentrated effort to read from now on.

Immediately on first glance, I really liked how you portrayed the dream sequence. How you vividly describe everything Carey anticipates ( the crackling of the fire, the relief of being home with her family) and how it's cruelly taken away from her. How you wrote Wesley and 256 in particular was really good! Even in Carey's dreams, 256 has a tinge of regret to his actions, claiming that he had to do it.

I always love the switch to Janelle and Samantha's POV, and to see how Janelle is interacting with the public, trying to illicit the public to overthrowing the Gifted, pretty much answered my earlier niggles with previous chapters. Here we can see what the public think of them, something I found missing in previous chapters. They speak with hushed tones, saying that they're more than generous even when it's the polor opposite. The interaction with Janelle and Samantha, where they don't seem to be on the same page with the commitment they're in, surprised me (in a good way!) nice to see a little bit of grit to develop their characters and their relationship down the line.

I guess the only little niggle I spotted was this line - Janelle could see village she visited earlier that day - but other than that, this was a really enjoyable chapter!

Hi All,

Thank you all so much for helping this book cross the 10,000 read mark! Even if you just stumbled upon it casually, it really means a lot!

Can't really say I was the reason why it was so popular; The writer I collaborated with - Mighty Pen - has such an amazing writing style and even with changing the formatting at the moment, it's amazing how much it holds up today, despite being written six years ago. Thanks so much for collaborating with me!

I'm writing a four-part LGBT collection at the moment (Palindrome is my latest one, if you're interested?) but I will absolutely be returning to fantasy in the future. Whether it's under the Eamersdr name or not remains to be seen!

Thanks again!
 

Thank you so much for commenting! You're absolutely fine, there's a lot going on in the world right now, and you also have your own stories to write! I'm just glad you show any interest at all, tbh

Thanks for the nitpicks; the book has been edited once but I need to write up the second draft edit, and my eyes would have glossed over those mistakes you pointed out!

I was in two minds about putting locations in italics. If it's distracting I can change them back, it'll give me an excuse to comb through the entire book and do those second-round edits xD

Your comments are really helpful honestly, thanks so much!

So I'm reading this chapter, and what I immediately love about it is the way you personify 256 even more, especially towards his past reactions to 913. Even here, we see that there are liberties taken that are not strictly allowed, such as when 256 such had been punished by 913, yet she didn't as her duty seems to instruct her to. Living as a Gifted, you paint a pretty great picture of a system that is rigid and uncomprimising, moulding people into that ideal. It's only natural for people to have personalities and traits outside of those ideals, and you show them every now and again, which is quite nice!

Yeah, the next chapter addressed my previous note not about the confusion surrounding the Leader - how she'll be training Carey as well as 256, which I must have misinterpreted earlier, sorry xD - and I love the added layer you gave her. Her interaction with Carey painted her a lot more vividly as a powerful Leader and I loved it. She also has a unique Gifted power, from what I can see? Or is his the Gift of Air? I need to brush up on my lore xD

I missed Janelle and Samantha, so I'm glad it came back to their POV! I absolute love this part of the novel, especially when we see an actual fight with the Gifted, and we get to see what they do for the first time! It was a unique attack that they used on Samantha, and Marvin's warning was genuine, though his reasons for still unclear. It was really well-thought out.

This chapter on the whole did a lot and advanced a lot of the story at the same time, I have no major gripes with it!

First of all, I just want to apologize for taking so long to getting back into this story ^^' The epidemic really did a number on my productivity!

Just from looking at the start of the chapter, I actually really liked the idea that Carey doesn't immediately know how to use her powers. You could have easily got her to accidentally use them again to get out of her situation, which I felt would have been a trope, so that was nice to see (Well, not for Carey, but you know what I mean ^^' )

We're beginning to learn more about the gifts themselves, and there's a certain rarity to each one of them. Why did some gifts disappear while others remained? Questions that a reader should be asking during the novel! The interaction with 256 and Carey towards the end of the chapter was really interesting too, particularly when 256 states that 'there's no point trying to escape' which seems to imply a hint of resentment in his current living arrangements. Maybe they both share a common goal in escaping?

Anyway, just a few niggles I found in the chapter.

focussing - Should that be focusing? I think it's technically correct in either guise but the latter is the more readily-accepted version used.

"The door opened for a final time, and the Leader of the Gifted strode to the seat at the head of the table." I guess since this is Carey's POV, how does she immediately know that this woman is the leader? Is it noticeable by her gaze? What she's wearing? Any ornaments that might signify status? I get that she sat at the head of the table, but it seemed just a bit odd that Carey already knew without a description that might set her apart from other members.

There also seems to be a lack of focus in this group, we have different members dispute the possibility of rarer Gifts, yet when 256 brings Carey to assign a number and clothes the person they were speaking to was mildly amused at the fact. Whoever the Leader is, she's doing a poor job with co-ordination and a shared knowledge among her party. As well as that, she was second-guessed when she advised that she was going to train Carey - only to change her mind and assign that to 256. She seems to be described as a powerful woman who is obeyed without question, but she seemed to falter in her logic here. I'd recommend just immediately assigning the role of trainer to 256.

Also the line "Invisibility... It's an ancient Gift, but one that allowed the user to turn invisible." is mostly redundant because the title literally explains the gift ^^'

I'm going on and on, but this is still a rally good chapter, exposing a bit more of the humanity through 256, I loved the defiance of Carey and the intrigue when it comes to rarer gifts. This is really becoming a favorite of mine!


 

So, I started reading this adventure, and I have to say it's really good. It's obvious you have a very realized concept here, and that there's been polish and editing. I can see it in the way you describe everything from Mauve and the enviornment she finds herself in, the Prince Tristian and the Knight Thomas. All of them are fully-realized characters already, their conversations are believable and there's already a good amount of world-building here. You mix different senses, from the smell of dirt and earth to the dim light of the moon as she peels the potatoes during a sleepless night.

Two tiny nitpicky things; "It would seem we are having a bit of trouble north of the wall, according to our spies, there has been quite a dispute rising between one of the free tribes over land, it would seem they are having a bit of trouble..." Just reading that paragraph, that repeated phrase stuck out to me.

"... he hadn't thought King Rupurt Kenley, Tristans' father,
would have let his first heir go anywhere near the border.

Everyone knew how over protective King Rupurt was of his first born,
he never seemed to let his son leave the safety of Castle walls without
escorts. He was the Kings only eligible heir" Just with this paragraph, it seems that you're repeating the same information again, just wording it differently.

Other than that, exceptionally-strong opener, and I'm looking forward to reading more!

Hey,

I'd be more than happy to read this and give you my thoughts on it - I was looking at your novel anyway before you commented  - but with work being so busy it might take me a while if that's okay? 

I was wondering what Samantha and Janelle were up to, so it was really nice that we got an entire chapter deticated to them, especially when they make it to a new city. Marvin sounds like a pretty interesting character, and we don't know enough about him to know where he got his information with the Gifted. He seems pretty noble, offering expensive herbs (I'll be honest, when he was asked why he was lying, I assumed you meant he lied about the herbs having any effect, so I was relieved when that wasn't the case!) The chemistry between Isabelle and Samantha is developing as well, it feels very genuine, and we get a bit more motivation for why they want to overthrow the Gifted.

I guess the one thing I would really say - and this is an incredibly small nitpick which you can absolutely ignore lmao - is that six chapters in the ordinary villagers have very brief interactions with the Gifted. Of course we have the great chapter with 256 previously, and the prologue sets things up nicely as well, but even adding more interactions with villagers talking about them under hushed whispers, or even a scene where we people give a wide bearth to somebody they suspect to be Gifted? That's just how I feel, because you're building them up quite well - and their own chapters give plenty of information - but it feels like there's a hole here than can be filled. (But that's just me, this story is excellent in building up characters and themes as it is, don't worry!)

You're honestly fine! There's no time-limit, especially with what's going on in the world at the minute! There's no rush =) 

Honestly your critiques are so helpful because this story is nearly finished and I am preparing it for the spelling/major plothole/minor plothole rinse and repeat editing process! I need these ironed out! I'm just glad that you like the main theme of the chapter and Peter's introduction (as an FYI, you'll encounter Naomi a lot, I'm not happy with her arc so I'll be changing her a lot) 

But thanks again!

Oh, so right off the abt we get introduced to a new character! I didn't expect this! I've seen '256' float around in some comments whenever somebody comments on your work, but now I know who they are! We also get a first glimpse at the power that a Gifted can use. What I really enjoyed about it is the fact that this now ties in to the prologue, this novel is really good at gradually revealing and melding different themes at once, so I need to take pointers here!

I actually appreciate now how long it took before we saw this, instead of showing a Gifted use their power earlier on in the novel!

One thing I do notice in this chapter so far - definitely something I need to improve on as well - is repetition of certain words. "The girl" popped up multiple times in a paragraph, as well as the words "stared" - 256 stared at them momentarily, and they stared back. The younger ones were crying, the older ones staring at him...

This slightly repeats later on in the chapter, where the Gift of Air and the members of the council both repeat "How dare you..." etc. Incredibly nitpicky, but it's something I'm working on myself so I'm spotting these immediately!

But it's still a really interesting chapter that makes me want to see what happens next!
 

Thanks for commenting, I really do appreciate comments like these because I need all the constructive criticism I can get! At least I'm on the right track! I'll make the necessary changes - this was just me writing to get it out of my head and not in any way edited ^^' I'll be reading more of Gifted during the week as well - sorry for my irregularity! 

Thanks!

Wow... this certainly was a chapter! By now I'm geting used to the split POV of Janelle/Samantha - Carey/Wesley, and you did a good job with progressing both sides' story. Samantha in particular is intriguing - who taught her how to use a weapon? Why does she want to overthrow the Gifted? The Inn they find in particular is... off, but maybe not for the reasons I think! You left it at a suitable cliffhanger so I need to know what happens next!

Like the last chapter, it's the Carey/Wesley part that I found particularly interesting... though I did find that Wesley didn't question Carey's gift, accepted it extremely quickly? Maybe it's just me, but I'd react with a bit more fear at the beginning if my sister discovered a latent ability like that.

Nitpicky, I know!

But the ending really got me, especially the Gifted who came to the door. I'm solidly invested in this now!

Thank you so much for commenting! (I still have to read more of Gifted tomorrow!) 

No those comments were absolutely valid and I have changed them as best I can when I read it! It makes complete sense! I'm just glad that I don't drive people away at the first hurdle! 

Thanks again!

I actually really like the fact that you're writing a chapter of two halves - Janelles and Samantha are really going out of their way, aren't they? It'll be interesting to see when both sets of characters meet up, if they ever do!

The second half of the chapter - Weasley and Carey - was my favorite part. You set up the social system of the world pretty well (The kids rely on farming for income while wealthier children go to do apprenticeships) and the story with the old lady reminded me of Brom from Eragon - talking about tales the governing class would disapprove of!

The ending actually took me by surprise! I won't say anything here because spoilers, but it obviously has serious repercussions for Carey!

I really enjoyed this chapter, well done!

I really liked the two halves you set up with this chapter - on the one hand we have Carey and Wesley, two siblings with a newborn. Their lives feel carefree and easy, the only real worry they have being the Assessment Day, which is a contrast from the seriousness from the prologue. You wrote them very convincingly as siblings, while also hinting at the presence of the Gifted and the fear of taking any newborn Gifted children.

The second half of the chapter focused on Janelle and Samantha, which was more intriguing. We actually see a Gifted as he escorts her home, Would love to know how Samantha managed to sneak around with the Gifted on patrol, and their measure of revenge is completely believeable!

I guess the one thing I would say or point out was that Gifted man himself - was there any distinguishable trait to mark him as a Gifted? He felt like a guard - which he still is, Gifted or not - but I guess I expected something to hint at whatever gift he had? I don't even think this is a valid critique lol, it set things up really nicely while hinting at oppression! I'll try and keep up and comment regularly!

OK, so I've finally sat down and had enough time to read your work - sorry for taking so long - so it'll probably be a weekly thing, so bare with me! ^^'

The first thing I noticed was 643 herself, especially the thoughts she repeated in her head. Be strong. Be ten times stronger than they’ve ever been. Only then will you be enough. Immediately she feels thought-out and fleshed-out, in how she thinks, her actions (fighting back a smirk, asking her potential killer about denying her accusation with her voice a fraction lower) and what she says.

You also have no qualms with starting out strong, with two prisoners being hanged in this chapter. It seems like a world where this is the norm, as some of the council and even some of the youngsters never even flinched. It says a lot about the world they're in.

Just one thing really;  I noticed - for me, anyway - the description of the uniforms. I feel like the average person wouldn't necessarily notice how every single person wore a double breasted jacket with three bronze buttons on either side of the chest, Perhaps it would be better if 643 noticed these details when the Head Councilman - or a single person -  approached her? Again, if these are the sort of things you do notice yourself, then disregard this note!

Still, it's a strong opening chapter, creating intrigue and not giving away too much information! It's quite good, and invites the reader to read more to get some answers - so job well done!

 

Hello! Once again thanks so much for commenting on this! 

I actually never really thought about expanding on what Percy does with his parents, but since you pointed it out it makes perfect sense for that sort of confrontation to be included. His parents are always away on business, which indirectly was a factor in Percy's anxiety as they were never around for him. I'll be sure to add it when I come around to edit! 

I'm going to be starting your trilogy of novels properly this time, by the way! ^^

You're absolutely fine! It's the same thing from my side; work and generally being an adult kept me busy! Thank you so much for reading the chapter, I'm glad it came across the way I hoped it would! I'm currently editing my work at the moment so those critiques will be followed-up in due course!

Thanks again!

Hey! I only came across this book now, and realized that it's a sequel! I'm rubbish at reading and leaving comments - like the early-novel comments I made on other books of yours - but I want to make a genuine effort to read, because without knowing the plot it's clear your writing is superb. I didn't even need to read the previous two books to appreciate the way you wrote the characters, the descriptions - 'weight of the hilt felt like an old friend' - and the interactions between characters.


I probably won't be much good for the plot, considering how far behind I am, but it looks really solid for a first draft attempt!

I liked this introduction to the story, especially where Yfryte stands out as a yellow dot in the masses. It's an interesting theme, steam-punk. Especially with copper everywhere. It'll be interesting to see where the story goes!

*snow and **just, sorry for the spelling mistakes ^^'

What I like about the beginning of the chapter is that the healers and clerics aren't seen as too powerful. They try their best but their powers are realistic and limited. I liked that; far too often in fantasy you see healers get rid of mortal wounds and robbing the suspense. Great job. You also did a good job with describing fear in different ways (cormac's face as white as now)

It'll be interesting to see where the story will go from here now that Christine was captured. One thing I would point out is the dialogue in the story. It's okay for the time being but a bit more variety (talking about likes, dislikes, not jsut to further the story) would be nice.

It's still interesting, keep it up

Wow... I honestly forgot to write back to your response I'm so sorry! ^^' 

I just saw that you gave a five-star reivew as well, thank you so much! I don't feel like it's five-star quality just yet (but that's what the editing is for xD) but I'm really glad you enjoyed it and you felt like they all melded together. It was a struggle juggling all those storylines but it's all worth it in the end. 

I'm looking at making a story based on Eamersdr (because I need to go back to fantasy) and another novel called I. Am. Aidan. Ianess so you'll see more from me xD 

Thanks again, seriously!

I just took a quick look at this chapter and I liked what I saw so far. I'll have to go home and read it more thoroughly for the plot because I skimmed through it while printing something, but you have a very descriptive way of writing and I can picture the scene quite clearly. There's a believeable friendship between Lucas and Alex, and the Hunter was a strange proposition. I liked them but obviously need to go into a bit more of this story to get a more solid opinion. 

I just spotted one glaring error; 'high' back' as opposed to 'his/her back' but I always have these in my first draft so it's nothing a simple edit can't fix. I'd love to follow this if you keep positng, though.

This chapter was a nice introductory scene to the world, a bit of explanation about the world. Christina had the most fleshed-out personality for me, but I also liked the little things like Christopher and his moment with his father.

A bit confused with the ring's explanation; The King mention it was Christopher's father's ring... when he was speaking to his father? Or have I missed something? Nothing a quick edit can't fix!

But it's nice, I'll try and keep up with it! ^^

Thanks so much for commenting!

I'm glad you enjoyed it, it was really fun writing Jacob because I have such a clear vision of who he is and how integral he will be in the story. Nora is going to go through a character arc that will test her friendship with everybody else. I hope you enjoy the rest of the story!

As for Gabriel... there's not much for him right now, but maybe in the next draft. We'll see!

I apologize for the spelling mistakes in my comment ^^'

I know I've probably already said this, but I really like the way you write. It really lends itself to fantasy quite well, and it's different from the usual 'They did this, and then they did this, and then they said this'  that most people use.

The opening chapter starts off quite well, and a lot happens in it, we get the backstory for Cara and Unna. It's quite tragic to see what happened to Cara, losing her family and under the control of this woman. It interactions between herself and Merlin were really well done as well, especially once he was thrown into the actual fight.

Unaa in particular surprised me, because we get her motivations towards the end of the chapter. I obviously don't agree with what she did, but you've given more development for characters that are otherwise one-dimensional.

I'm looking forward to reading on - and you've also given me a few little tips from this ^^'

Welcome back!

You re-uploaded this, so I decided I would go through the story again (because it was years since I last read it) and the first thing I noticed was that you are incredibly descriptive; from the actual world he is in, to the emotions Merlin feels. You write about all the characters senses really well, when he hears the Goddesses voices, to what he sees when they appear before him.

The characters of Merlin and his Mother (even in her short time in the novel) are fleshed out pretty well, and you set the tone for the rest of the novel all in one go. I'm looking forward to reading more!

Something I really love - before I even get into the story- are your titles for each chapter. I really like them, and I usually struggle for literal hours each day trying to come up with them ^^

In the actual chapter itself, we get the chapter from Nathan's point of view, retelling when he came into contact with Lucy. It flowed well, and Oscar comes out as a believeable threat. The line where he deduces what Nathan was actually doing - Instead, it would allow an already functioning program to be even more capable. More powerful. You are playing a very dangerous game. - was my favorite of the whole thing.

One little nitpick - "What can I ya for?” towards the very beginning of the chapter, obviously nothing major but just thought I'd mention it ^^ I'm really looking forward to the next chapter!

Thanks so much for your comment!

You actually did comment on this before - Afraid was originally written in 2013, I deleted the story from Sparkatale a few years back  - ^^

I'm really glad you enjoyed it, I'm editing some key components into the story right now - trying to have therapy sessions for Percy sprinkled throughout the story, as well as more backstory for Malcolm, Aisling, Jeremy and Adam, but I'm happy you liked the start of this!

I also saw Borderlands as the most recent updated story ( I thought there was a new chapter) xD

You're absolutely fine, don't worry! Afraid is being extensively edited, and it's entirely up to yourself on whether or not you want to comment!

Your world-building - to me, anyway - is spot-on so far. I know what happened before the start of this novel yet you're balancing that with what's happening in the present tense really well!

I really liked this chapter!

The quick tour guide of the Ret gave a little bit of backstory for the ship and its crew, and you've obviously researched how what had happened would affect them afterwards, because the anguish Jack felt was believable. The dialogue between them was really thought-out, and flowed quite well. You ended the chapter on a cliffhanger as well - with Nathan thrown into the mix.

I'm enjoying the conflict Lucy feels; one the one hand, considering her past, she could con this guy like everybody else and not give him a second thought, except it's not so simple. She obviously likes Jack, I wonder if that will lead to something or if she has to give that up further on!

The only (very minor) detail was that you used seen her as something more than a sexual object twice - both near the start of the chapter and just before she encounters Nathan - that took me out of it a little bit. Other than that, it was pretty much flawless! I'm really enjoying this!

It was a short and sweet chapter which introduced more of the world and also the main character's interactions with Mosu. I have to say that Mosu is my favorite character at the moment, despite being...imaginary? xD I also really like the dialogue, it sounds natural and flows pretty well in this chapter!

There weren't any obvious issues with this, either. Well done!

Don't worry, you're not late at all!

For Chapter 11 and 12, I wrote them inbetween calls during work, so I'm not actually 100% happy with them right now because my attention was always being taken towards...y'know...my job! (Am I ever 100% happy, though? xD)
 
I really appreciate your nitpicking because I. Would. Never. Have. Found. Them xD

I'm almost finished 13 and will try and write 14 as well, which will hopefully bring the story to an end and I can focus on the fantasy novel I've been plotting ^^ I appreciate you reading this, looking forward to your next chapter!

I actually really enjoy the story so far, and I will tackle Cursed at some stage in the future xD

I also misspelt stones, because I'm an idiot xD

It's a very interesting third chapter, that's for sure.

Even from the first paragraph you can see how good you are with descriptions; you give a very vivid sense of just how hard Tina has to work to hold onto Morgan, and I liked the physical introduction of Diana. Again I like their dynamic, and I agree with her: if Morgan left the damn stones in the vault none of this would have happened! xD

You also mention that these are a very specific type of stoens, and that there are hundreds more that perform different functions. This is really interesting and I want to know how shapeshifting factors into all of this.

Just two tiny errors that can be fixed with some light editing ( The bag of slipped through her fingers and fell... & Tina collapsed not the concrete...)

One thing I would point out though, is that the city in this chapter seems a little empty. I undersand that it's the middle of the night but it felt like almost every single person was indoors and oblivious to what was going on, save for the protagonists and antagonists. I'd mention that even adding a line or two throughout the chapter - like when the fireball was launched at Morgan, did anybody see it? Record it? Were their homes impacted by it? Something like that!

Just another tiny thing, you mention covered in black quite a lot when describing their clothes, maybe a bit more description; were their sleeves lined with gold? Did they wear any jewellery? etc

It's still a really good chapter which introduced us more into the story arc, and I'm really beginning to get invested in this story. You - as well as Serina Harcourt - are actually giving me a few pointers for my own writing, so thank you! ^^

You managed to convey a scene with very few words, which is a great way to start a story. We already have a sense of a threat, of hardship etc. It interested me...which I suppose is the point of an opening chapter, right? ^^ I'll keep my eye out for updates

Again, it's a very interesting chapter. It's incredibly rich in detail - you obviously have a great understanding of sci-fi and space travel and their components - and introducing Aidan McNamara (Hoping he's of Irish descent, I love the representation!) with his backstory added another painful backstory. The AI obviously created terrible destruction and he was personally affected by it... which will probably make the reveal of Cassandra a little bit awkward. Still, I want to see what happens...which is the point of writing a book ^^

The one thing I will say about this chapter is that I am getting very heavy Halo vibes, especially with phrases such as spin off too many subroutines in regards to Cassandra. I liked the introduction of the AI, especially given her predecessor and what had happened, but you mentioned her emotions a bit too much? 'She hadn't been programmed with emotions, yet she had them.' followed by 'He had not programmed her with these feelings or emotions, yet still she had them.' just a few lines down. Still absolutely minor things that editing will fix!

The world-building is very well done, you're juggling a lot of characters and you're making sure they're all fleshed out, and I still want to see where this story is going, because it could branch out in any such direction!

It's an interesting start to the story, I got a good mental picture of the library the protagonist was in, and you've written the conversations between the characters very well. I was especially interested in Mosu, and I'd like to read more to see what happens. There's a few little grammatical errors peppered throughout the chapter, but nothing that a round of editing won't fix. Keep it up!

This was a story that caught my eye, being a lover of sci-fi myself, and I was really impressed with the quality of this opening chapter.

Lucy has a wealth of personification about her even in the opening chapter. I'm able to picture her vividly and how she reacts to everything based off of your writing, which in itself is also incredibly descriptive. It reminds me of Karen Traviss, a writer who has written for Franchises like Halo and Star Wars, and this is right up there with her work.

I'm normally not a fan of excessive swearing in novels but here, with the tone and the context, it just works!

A few bits and pieces here and there that need to be cleaned up ( 'It was a place like Venezia that her attractiveness would get her into trouble, and it was at times like...' & 'I'll give you to first cousin discount.')

Another thing I noticed was this line; 'Unfortunately for Lucy, said business turned out to be informing her that instead of the 250,000 credits she was promised, they were simply going to take the launchers and dump her body outside of town instead.' It just stood out because while the rest of this chapter was very descriptive, this particular scene was summarized and reads like an afterthought. It's probably just me but I thought I'd point that out.

Another thing was this scene; '“He’s an idiot,” said Lucy firmly. “He’s a killer. He’s the second worst kind of person you can meet out here.” Jack scoffed.

“I figured he’d be the first.” Lucy smiled and shook her head.'

It took me a second to realize who was saying what, just from the layout. Nothing major by all means, just thought I'd point that out.

One more thing I want to mention ( I promise, I really loved this chapter! ^^ ) was the United Earth Government. This title has already been coined in Halo lore (also known as UEG) so even though it's not that serious I just wanted to let you know about that. If you plan on actually publishing this work, wouldn't want a lawsuit ^^'

Aside from all of those tiny things, this was a great opening chapter and I'm definitely going to be rolling with the updates. I actually took a thing or two from your writing style here, so thanks!

 

I'm actually amazed you're still sticking with this story ^^' Thank you so much! I'm going to be honest; this was a low point in writing this story. I'm actually not happy with the flow of this one at all - and I completely agree about Jessica - and that's the reason I haven't updated since. Work has been heptic - Christmas, after all - so that chapter was actually written over the course of a week. I'm probably going to take it down and re-work it, but I appreciate your honest feedback. Let me know when your story updates! (If it already has, I'm so sorry! Work ^^')

This was a really nicely-written chapter.

It's always been a staple of your work in writing really relatable, well-described scenes with a beginning, middle and end. Even in this opening chapter you get a sense of the protagoist's (and Akeel's) personality, the character's thought process and I liked that the interest in photography he has going on. Great description of the places he lives in, as well.

One thing I would say is this line here ~~camera down on the counter in front of me. I was careful about keeping the camera safe. I didn’t want to ruin another camera.~~ it just feels like too much use of the word camera in such a short space.

Otherwise, it was a chapter that brings readers in, and I'm looking forward to the next!

That... is fair enough xD

Once you explain it like that, it makes sense because the first thing I thought about when it comes to loss of blood was blood transfusions, and that was really the only thing that irked me in an otherwise great chapter which introduced Diana ( I actually laughed when I read your comment about the inspiration of Diana and Morgan's dialogue) I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

I also want to apologize for the spelling mistakes in my last comment...again, tired xD

So again, it was another really solid chapter. I also want to apologize if this comment trails off or deosn't make sense, I'm exhausted from a six-day working period xD

What really stood out for me was the way you describe the environment itself, especially the full-length windows with the view of the inner city. You're balancing the magicial and realistic aspects of the world very well, you get a real sense of the social divide, and you touch on the outside world briefly, but you bring it back to Tina and Morgan and the city itself, especially with that car chase at the end of the chapter.

Another positive is the dialogue, and you combine witty and humorous statements  - like Morgan pointing out Tina's name tag when she asked how he knew her name - to more pressing statements about the stones and the danger her life is in.

I loved Diana. as a supporting character she adds a lot during her debut. I can't wait to see what more of a role she plays as the story progresses.

Morgan was written pretty well. explained the threat prety well, and he balances humor with seriousness and plays off of Diana. He also comes across as a powerful shape-shifter... I mean, he turned into an Eagle! I wonder what scope his powers are and if there are limitations, and if the antagonists have the same breath of abilities.

One thing I found was the issue of Tina losing a lot of blood, something which Morgan stated. I know that magic is involved, but usually loss of blood requires a blood transfusion. Considering Morgan is a shapeshifter, was there magic involved in restoring this blood? It just bothered me a tiny bit in what was otherwise a really good chapter!

Thank you again for your lovely comments, I really do appreciate them!

I have an idea of how this story is going to be wrapped up; we're going to focus on Percy ignoring evacuation protocols while searching for Malcolm and the fallout from that, and I'm writing Hannah's chapter with the fallout from punching Adam. It's going to borrow from elements from the last novel but with a few more twists. I'm also trying to make the hurricane sound believeable so I'm going through all the storm and weather reports in the states over the last twelve months (Lord knows there's been enough of them) and Adam is still bothering me. He's going to be much more fleshed-out in the editing process xD

But still, thanks very much again! I have to get back into your novel because I noticed you updated it!

You came up with a new story - I tried commenting on your books before but I never had time to read them properly, but with this I can actually roll with the chapter updates!

First of all, and this is the same with your other novels: you're very good at writing scenes. All of the characters were believeable, you know exactly how people respond to questions and conversation and you takesimple things like body language into account as well, which a lot of writers (myself sometimes) forget to do. 

You're handling both a normal, living city and some magical elements (I've done this myself with Emi & I's Eamersdr) and you transitioned between the two very well. Again, I've seen people do this before and they can lean too much into one side of it, but with this pilot chapter it was perfectly fine. We have an antagonist, and an unexpected protector for Tina. She's obviously been drawn into something bigger than herself, and this chapter makes me want to keep reading. 

A few errors ('He was tall man...' & 'It meant almost twelve hour day...') but nothing a quick edit can't fix. I'll try my best to keep reading this, but this chapter laid great groundwork! 

That was a lovely comment I genuinely appreciate it! 

Adam - He's actually the character I have the least confidence in. While I feel all my characters are getting at least some sort of character development, Adam has none; he's still the same character he was when he was introduced. He will get his own sort of development, but I'm not sure what capacity he's going to be in once I hit second or third drafts... but at least it's nice that he's making people think. 

But seriously, thanks again!

Hi Jen, thanks so much for your lovely comment!

I actually have a notebook for editing, and you raised some valid critiques so I'm going to jot them down and fix them in the second draft. 

I also appreciate that you took the time to comment on this, because you commented on the original story before I deleted it a few years ago! ^^' I hope you'll enjoy the rest of the story once it's updated. 

I like how you made a deep and coherent story using very few words. It also leaves questions that leave readers filling in the gaps; what did the victim do to deserve what happened, or was this random? 

I'd personally make a new line every time a character speaks so it doesn't come across as a wall of text, but otherise this was good

It presented a simple, coherent story in just over 100 words. I liked it because it was both simple and complex, and it gives the reader more to ponder (what lies were tol?) throughout their mortal life. Keep it up!

First of all, I haven't followed your work since I haven't been on this site very often, but well done for making stories based off the Halo Universe: Long-time fan, loved the Infinite trailer and all the little easter eggs that came along with it ^^

I won't say anything about the plot because this is obviously an arc, but one thing I'll note is that in your conversations you always reference whose speaking (John said:, Frederic said: etc.) You don't actually need to do this because when readers go over the chapters, they can pick up on whose saying something, and to whom. If for example, John has a long conversation with Frederic, you can just write in the conversation. Of course, if it changes to a different character then point it out to the reader, but that was just something I picked up on and I used to do it myself. 

I'll try and follow this chronologically because I'm trying to get back into this site with my own writing, but best of luck!

I like the premise of the chapter, and fair play for writing a spiritual novel. It's not at all common on this site so it was intriguing enough for me to take a look myself. 

The first thing I want to note is that while the conversation is spaced nicely and you can tell how the character feels as they're talking, there's not a whole lot of the world they're in. Sonething which would flesh out this chapter would be using the sense's Peter has; if they're walking on a beach (similar to the 'Footprints' message in the bible) then does he smell the salt in the sea air? Is he barefoot, can he feel the sand between his toes? Is it hot or cold, and does Jesus and Peter react to that? Does the weather change? Little things like that, but which would immerse the reader and get your message across just that little bit easier. 

I got all of this feedback too, and I would love to see you improve and make this story as polished as possible. 

Please feel free to message if you have any other questions and queries!

Beautiful, simple introduction which somehow manages to add a lot of information and lore into less than a thousand words. Glad to see you back into writing! Even the title is simple yet full of meaning. It feels like you've put so much thought into this. Keep up the good work!

(First of all, I want to say thanks for continuing to read my story, and being pretty helpful while doing it!) ^^ 

I seem to have a habit of using the word 'amigo' now don't I? I fixed both of the errors you pointed out. I wouldn't have even spotted the fact that 'I was able' was being repeated if you hadn't mentioned it to me! I'm just happy that the story is moving along well so far. 

The middle of the story onwards will probably become confusing because I'm currently editing it. The final few chapters will feature extended scenes, and the ending will probably change entirely. (That's the joy of thinking of new sub-plots *after* the novel is finished...oh well!) but for the most part I'm happy with this thus far. Thanks again!

I'm actually quite delighted that, for the most part, you enjoyed this chapter. I was worried that Ian was outside a little too soon into the story, and I'm still working on what happens out there (I might be adding a few chapters into the middle of the story to flesh it out a bit) but hopefully it will be cohesive in the end =)

I hadn't noticed those flaws you mentioned in this chapter, either, so I'll rectify those mistakes as soon as I can.

I can't even remember adding the word 'Amigo', but oh well =D

Thanks very much for your continued comments! I really appreciate them!

Regarding this chapter, I really don't have an explanation for the flaws you mentioned, particularly regarding the Mayor's speech. I'll fix those immediately!

There's absolutely no problem with the time it takes to comment, don't stress yourself too much or feel like you're obliged to write something - the fact that you're commenting at all is more than enough!

I'm actually delighted that so far, you're happy with the way the story is written. I'm sure that when you're writing Cursed you feel a little self-conscious about how others would look at your writing! 

In regards to your comment about the Three World Wars, I think I should make it clearer that the 'boredom' aspect wasn't what was written in the History books, it was Ian's interpretation of it. He really doesn't want to study this topic because he thinks it's boring, so he decided to paraphrase what had happened in his mind. 

If that makes sense? 

At least that was my thought for that scene, but clearly if it doesn't register with readers perhaps I should change it? I didn't want to force-feed information either. 

But your constructive criticism is always welcome! I really appreciate it and thanks for the comment!

Thank you very much for your comment! 

I'll reply to both of your comments here, in the name of efficiency, but I'm delighted that you, for the most part, enjoyed the opening chapters (especially considering your own body of work on SparkaTale). I know dystopia is a crowded genre right now but I'm glad the information wasn't forced, that you could get the sense of the dystopian landscape in the background. 

1. In relation to what you said in regards to Ian's mother, you're absolutely right. I went back over it again & it does seem a bit contradictory. I'll add in a word or two, perhaps allowing her to say 'I'm ready now.' instead. I wouldn't have spotted that if you hadn't told me, so thank you!

2. As for your second comment, which was also a valid point, I'll add more information to explain just why synthethics are created. Some of created to accomodate parents who lost their children, definitely, but they are also created for people who lost their uncle, aunt, grandparent, grandfather, parent etc (not restricted to just children/teenagers) or maybe even perhaps to clone a living sibling. That would set up an interesting dynamic where the cloned copy of an existing person would recieve much more abuse & distrust than their original counterpart, almost like twins where one is more highly valued than the other. Another thing I will definitely add into my work in due course. 

I would also like to stress, of course, that sythethics weren't created originally to live among the general population...but you'll understand once you keep reading (if you plan on doing so ^^'

I'm working on the final chapter now, which will leave things open for its inevitable sequel, then I will work on removing all the grammar mistakes (I wrote 'threw' instead of 'through', can you believe that?!) & tweaking the characters themselves. 

But again, thank you very much for your comments & critiques!

Well what can I say, thank you very much for your positive comment! While I'm finally becoming happy with the beginning of the novel, I'm finding that there's not enough real 'danger' in the middle, something I'm currently working on, but I'm glad you enjoyed it! And I fear the 'Ampersand Dilemma' will be the biggest reason why my book is remembered! I have 2 people who are for it and (now, thanks to you) 3 people against it, but I'll remove them once the novel is finished. Thanks again!

Oh wow, thanks very much! 

Yeah, I was a bit worried that people would have been introduced to Hayley - only for her to be taken away again, but we'll see more of her in the story. Well, when I say *her*...you'll find out once you keep reading!

It's been a while since I've read this, I'm glad I got back to it. 

Another solid chapter. The dialog was well-thought out & funny in parts, I'm starting to warm towards Kaleb now. He's obviously allowing his heart to rule over his head, but he definitely has more layers in his personality than I expected, now that he planned on escorting Ember himself. You also set up the next chapter quite well with the Masquerade.

I like where this story is going!
 

It's another good chapter, it really is.

Ember in action was actually really handled well. You're making her out to be quite a viable character. We now understand why people are cautious around her, & there were little things - like neglecting to wear anything resembling camouflage because she was confident in her skills - that really made her stand out. Being more like herself around Kaleb was a welcome addition, as well. I felt like she was falling a little bit too quickly in the previous chapter, but this evens it out well. 

Again some small grammar & spelling errors, but seriously nothing that a simple round of editing won't fix. The story is going places, I genuinely don't know what's going to happen next, & that's part of the appeal for me at the moment. 

Now it's my turn to write a review (I'm also writing on my phone, so if any misspellings show up I do apologize!) but the initial signs are good; the descriptions in this chapter are enough to picture the scene quite clearly, the conversational dialog was well-planned and natural, and you get a sense about the good and the bad in this memory. She almost came across as Homura Akemi, a girl who constantly traveled back in time to save the people she loved, always failing. This sort of relay - her memory replaying over and over again - was the aspect of your chapter which really stood out for me. As far as my inexperienced editorial eye can make out, there's not much wrong here. I took the suggestions you made on my work and applied them here, looking for anything similar. There wasn't. I'm favoriting this because this is a story that genuinely intrigues me, especially considering with where it is going next!

Thank you for your constructive criticism! I'll try my best to go over my work again and make some changes. Unfortunately for me, all of my current chapters feature as many "-" and "&" so I'll try and change them in due course. Thank you once again!

This was - for the most part - pretty good. You're quite good at making descriptive scenes, as well as descriptive characters. Ember is a woman I can picture clearly in my head, and you gave her many different emotions as the chapter progressed. I warmed to her, especially her relationship with Clare. Kaleb...I didn't practically warm to him. He was just too 'forward', but that's probably the point. He seems like bad news. We'll see how his involvement in the story goes. (Not warming to a character isn't necessarily a bad thing! He feels like he has hidden intentions, its interesting!) There were a few small grammatical errors, nothing too serious, but the line 'She surprise & the shock...' clearly meant '*The* surprise...' so just gleam over it again when you have time. Again, for the most part, it was a solid chapter.

Very interesting start to your novel. Personifying the sun, the description of the dragons, your writing style in general, it's all quite good. It's something that brings me in, draws me closer, which is the entire point of the first chapter. I'll read more & comment as much as I can, but it's a good start.

Hey thanks for commenting! I assume you meant the beginning of the chapter itself? Well at the moment, it may not make much sense at all, but I promise that over the course of the story it will! What I can say, though, is that the writing in bold are encrypted messages written by the antagonist of the story, but you're not going to see them in quite some time... All will become clear as more of the plot unfolds. But I appreciate you taking the time to comment!

I actually did not realize you made this comment until tonight! I'm really sorry! You do make some good points. I didn't think about them until you told me. You make sense, so I might change some parts of my chapter. Thank you for the criticism!

It's very short, but I liked the chapter as a whole. Plenty of movement in only a few hundred words, and you were able to capture the stress of the father, the pain of the mother, and the sense of excitement of the twins being born rather well.

My only other critique would be the very first line, it should be 'It was a cold night.'

So a good start, but try and make your chapters a bit longer.

There's a great underlying theme of 'us vs. them' recurring through the story so far - it makes me wonder what it is the moths have done in the past to warrant such a negative reaction? But overall this chapter was almost as good as the others. Perhaps it felt a little TOO descriptive when you wrote about the inn, but that could just be me. It's hardly a complaint! This is some nice work!

Hey! Thank you very much for your comment! I was worried that my characters would seem too unrealistic to the casual reader (e.g, weapons being summoned out of thin air,) but I'm glad that this is not the case. This story is partly inspired by anime (and is also a story I'm writing with writer's block,) so I'm always unsure of what I'm writing. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Ah, so this is the opening chapter. It is honestly well - written, and without giving anything away, the new developments help in drawing a writer more into your story. You really get a sense of the corruption and bigotry in the town, and how people can be shaped in that mould. I'm also wondering just how the black moths received their reputation...

You're very good with descriptive writing, I had no problem envisioning the environment - I could remember the smell of mud once you mentioned what the hut was made of - and that's important, to grab other people's senses with your words, not just their sight.

Hello! 

I can understand you just fine, don't worry. Thank you very much for your comment, I'm glad the descriptions are good. I hoped that people would understand what I was trying to create. 

I'll use your tips, actually, and I will try my best to work on what you think needs improvement, thanks again for your constructive criticism!

Thank you very much! It's nice to be writing again. Whether or not I actually finish this project remains to be seen - but I regretted deleting the previous story of Aidan Ianess and I wanted to try it again. After five months of writers' block revisiting an idea was the best way forward. Thank you for reading at all!

Much better than the prolog, I'm absolutely delighted with that fact.

We see the father, although we know that he strikes his son, you didn't paint him as this invulnerable monster. You gave him emotions, it was nice to see. (not the abuse he dealt, obviously, but the layers to his character.) Since we know of Xaphile, it only makes reading his current state here all the more depressing, but you did a good job with the sort of emotions one experiences with depression, you could see that his coping mechanisms are overwhelmed, and his decision to do what he did was completely understandable. 

Descriptions were nice, emotions and dialog nicely handled, the chapter itself was shorter than the prolog - I still had to will myself to read through it but it was easier this time - and most of my critiques from the previous chapter have been mended here. 

However, one thing I saw was It was the tragic end of a beautiful story. For me, this is romanticizing the horrible events Xaphile was in, which I would be very adverse to. As someone who has depression, reading that line didn't sit well with me. It's all well and good comparing these two to Romeo & Juliet, but Romeo & Juliet handled their situation like fools. This wasn't a beautiful story - it was an inescapable cage for him. I just had to say my piece there. Personally, I would remove that line altogether, but I can appreciate that I could be the only person who has that reaction. Other than that line, everything else looked good. A marked improvement. 

There are positives and negatives in this opening chapter, so it's best to get what I find to be things you could improve on out of the way first before we get to your good points. 1. I respect the fact that you claim this is based loosely on 'a very true story' so perhaps the main characters have the personalities as the real - life people you've based them on. If so, ignore this critique. For me, reading this chapter, I don't see any character development for Ella whatsoever. We see a time gap of more than a decade, but Ella's dialogue remains almost precisely the same. I can see the kind of personality you want her to have, but claiming she had the 'brains to match the beauty'...I wish she had a more mature demeanor, less whimsical. Perhaps that's just me. 2. When it comes to writing competitions, everybody - and I mean everybody - adds in song lyrics from a relatively - new song. (Trust me, I've been there!) Long story short - adding almost an entire song into the chapter will be seen as filler. Also, it's usually better if you choose an older song which can evoke memories with a wider audience. (Only the teenage market and twenties would really know "All of Me".) Again, you said this is based off of a real - life story. It's perfectly fine if you ignore this critique also. I just want you to know that adding the song could actually cost you marks in a competition, based off of personal experience. 3. I already mentioned this, but the "He'd" and "They'd" are unnecessary. I also noticed that you end every piece of dialog with "He said" or "She replied" etc. You can actually just have a sentence of dialogue on its own without referring to who said it, because readers will be following whose turn it is to speak naturally. Now obviously, add in "He said" or "She said " etc sometimes, but you would get a higher score if you didn't do that all the time. 4. This chapter is just too long. Anything above 4,000 words - for me - is too much. When I first started writing I was told that this can actually put a reader off reading (I was a little intimidated looking at the wordcount.) This prologue could, in fact, be just as successful even if certain bits were taken out. I mention this word count because the competition may have a word limit. 5. Good point - you mixed positive and negative emotions rather well. Subtle forms of abuse from a young age, coupled with the ending of the final paragraphs, add some much - needed depth. A very well done - I wasn't expecting it. Overall it's good. You have a good sense of dealing with emotions, describing your characters' environment and conversations, just work on those points, and you would be more consistent. (I'll read more and see if there's anything else I spot...it may not appear as much, but I actually enjoyed your chapter and I would like to help you improve. GOD knows we need to stick to each other if we want our fellow writers to succeed!)

I will try and write more detailed comments for your work, (I'm writing on my mobile at the moment,) but what I can immediately spot are the unnecessary use of 'He'd' and 'They'd'. They do not need to be there. 'He met her' as opposed to 'He'd met her'

It's been a while since I picked up on something that caught my attention, but this was certainly enough to do so. It does the job of introducing the reader to the world Adalyn lives in, the background to her clan, & the dangers they face. 

The mysterious 'sickness' which is tainting the Wolf Moon clan? That was almost perfectly-placed. I have absolutely no idea what that reason could be - so the only logical solution is to keep reading - which is exactly what you want!

Having said that, I have some comments: For one, I have no idea what kind of world your story is based in - sometimes I think it could be set in the present-day, wolves in among unsuspecting civilians, but then I read about Druids. Of course, you probably answer my question once I head into more chapters, but that was just something. 

Another little comment would be this: I feel Wolf Moon is too...generic to describe a wolf pack? Now obviously it's the name of your story, & you can outright ignore my advice, but I feel using that term in a different language (Google Translate is a blessing!) or even inventing a language would help raise this story's profile just a little bit, & help make it sound more...not exotic, but different. 

But that's just me nit-picking! Back to the point, your opening chapter is a very interesting proposition so far. I'll read more!

A notable improvement on the previous two chapters. Not that your previous chapters were bad by any stretch of the imagination, but it looks like you were more confident in where you wanted this chapter to begin and end, especially once we have ourselves our new protagonist. 

The backstory between the both of them, Cassandra's sister, the fires that were all too common an occurrence inside Medieval London (closely-packed houses, never a very good idea with open fires) all of it was very well-judged, suspense and action everywhere even if we just see the world through a younger Cassandra's eyes, I really want to know how Rodger found her again, and how he acquied such a position of power. 

Consider me your story's first follower (here.)

So Chapter 2 was interesting, more detail about the world around Cassandra. The Mediterranean feel was pretty well executed, and I've read plenty of historical documents about the British empire and their exploits in foreign lands. One can only imagine that Cassandra doesn't fully comprehend just how much they're going to take from her: and not just material wealth. 

And they met already? Towards the end of the chapter? Interesting...

There are a few things I would like to mention. Firstly, when writing about what a character is thinking. I would normally start a new line, and make her thoughts in italic. It just reads easier for the viewer. 

Secondly, you mentioned 'without his express permission.' Was it meant to be 'explicit permission'?

And thirdly...did she leave the body of her would-be attacker in plain view? Did she trudge through the general public in a blood-stained robe? I would have felt like she would have attempted to hide the body somewhat, or perhaps reverse her cloak and turn it inside out so the blood stains are not to be seen? It's just simple things like that, that make all the difference. 

But it's still seriously 8/10. This is good. 

It has potential, definitely. It has the desired feel to it, one would definitely feel the Puerto Rico influence in the way you describe both the protagonist, and her surroundings. Cassandra is painted very well: I like the way you described her cloak, and the dual-purpose that it wields. I like her cunning and expertise, has a feel of Assassin's Creed to it, if I'm allowed to make such a generic comment. The fight scene was very well-judged, and I felt Cassandra fell just a little too quickly before I continued and read of her retaliation. Far too many people write of one character who emerges from a fight, not a hair out of place. In your scene, we're genuinely left wondering what will happen of her. 

Yet for all that, there's some things I want to pick up on. In mentioning The European, the term got repetitive. You could easily rectify this by describing him in different ways ( The unfortunate victim, prey, target, visitor, local, tourist, husband, etc.) 

And there's something else...I don't know. I just feel that for someone so proficient in the art of stealing, melding in the shadows, watching her every move, her assailant was able to follow her so effortlessly, without even a hint of suspicion on her end. Perhaps it's just me, but that would be something I would like to mention. 

But still, this opening chapter serves its purpose: It introduces us to the main character, and it catches our interest. I look forward to reading more!

I like the idea, and the potential is there, but there are a few spelling mistakes, a few places where you could put in a (,) to break a sentence more. Also the description of the character - there's no need to give the reader all the information all at once. You could mention their hair color in one paragraph, something else (Perhaps a character's eyes and how they crinkle when they speak) in another. That was one vitally important critique somebody gave me a while back, people notice the improvement. But I'm interested to see where this is going

Thank you for your comment!

You raised valid points in this critique, and to be honest, I have no answer as to why Avril took the presence of ghosts in her stride, or why DNA and photosynthesis was being taught at the same time. They were just things I didn't think about...and I realize how flawed this novel is looking to be as a result. I actually thought of publishing this once upon a time, but the combination of your critiques - plus the chapter ahead that I seriously feel like changing completely - prevent me from doing that. 

Having said that, thanks for continuing to stick with it, and I'll be sure to read more of The Killer (I have since seen that more chapters have been included!) ^^

And yes the font size is frustrating - it won't change no matter how much I edit it. 

It happened in another novel of mine as well, it sucks. 

Thanks for your comment! It does throw a spanner in the works, huh? (Unfortunately, I feel that in the next few chapters you'll see another flaw in the person/ghost dynamic. You'll understand if you keep reading, but I'm very unsure of it and feel like I would have to re-write the entire chapter...perhaps even multiple chapters.) 

I noticed that I have too many '......' in this chapter, I was told that this (...) was the appropriate length, but I forgot to edit that ^^' Still, glad that you're still reading this!

Well this was the last chapter in this work (so far) and I must say it makes for one interesting read - especially towards the end of this chapter. I deduced what was going to happen a little bit beforehand, going by the blurb of this book, and I'm pretty sure it's not just Nate's imagination. If that's the case...it'll be interesting to see how he escapes this perdicament...if he even can...

The scene with Brandon, though... I don't know. Again, it was written perfectly, the dialog was believable, I had a vivid sense of what was going on and what was being pictured... but after the previous chapter, I would have included some sort of argument. Now again, this is just my analysis and you could have 20 other people who would disagree with me, but for Nate to have such a fixation that Brandon's the killer - almost irrationally so - and yet do nothing when given the chance...again, I'm not sure about that. 

I found one more tiny error here, ( I try to smile but I don't seem to in control of my own body...) when there should be a be thrown in there as well, but that's literally it. Everything else was superb! I really enjoyed reading this, and I now consider you my benchmark when writing in future =D

Yeah...I can kinda see what you're talking about now =D It has moved quite fast hasn't it? Well let's just say they connected really quickly for a reason...but now I'm starting to see that as a flaw in this work. 

I fixed the name issue (thanks for pointing that out) 

So this chapter deals with anticipation, rather than any action, so it feels like a penultimate chapter (good thing, builds up the ol' tension) Props for adding in more detail regarding other characters such as Jody. I feel that even though she appears for only a few sentences, I imagined how her day - her life - was going by the time she and her friends left the room. She could feature her own little story...but one novel at a time ^^' 

What I'm increasingly seeing in your work is your ability to create genuinely - heartwrenching moments, such as Nate and Max looking over old photographs. Lauren doesn't feature directly in this work so far, but thanks to flashbacks and how Nate discusses her, we have a pretty good idea of what she was like. (both pros and cons to her character) 

And Nate's inner voice (I hated her) makes me pretty sure that it is a separate entity...in fact I have my own theory as to how this story will go...

Just one or two little errors here (nothing of huge significance, I'm sure you've seen 10x the number on my stories) such as Her killer will finally be put behind bars and I'll free to mourn Lauren... when I'm sure you intended to use the word be as well. Also, But you didn't just fight occasionally, you fought for a reason, don't you...a mixup of tenses here. Nothing a round of editing won't fix! 

But I can't get over the emotional impact of your chapters, seriously, well done!

Again, you may have a point here. I'll let you in on some background info here regarding Peter and Jake: They were meant to represent me and and my then - boyfriend from a year back, so in that past state I was more focused on the ' they fall in love immediately!' rather than ' Peter calls the Ghostbusters' =D Of course, that ended horribly (no pity, just telling it how it is) and now that I re - read this chapter with your insight it becomes obvious that I need to add more fear, uncertainty, and shock on Peter ' s part. I'm thinking he acts the same at first, but I'm going to write more about him pretending to be calm and collected when inside he is having a heart attack =D But thanks for your comment! I appreciate that you're sticking to the story!

Very nice. You managed to pull off that little trick of making your story seem longer than its word - count. This intelligence is reminiscent of BB from the the Kilo - Five trilogy, while also reminding me of Cortana from Halo 4, specifically the scene where she explains that she knows everything about the artificial sun they see, but unable to 'feel' it the way humans can. I'd be interested to see where this goes.

Another flashback, and this chapter moved in quite an unexpected turn for me. 
I can relate to Nate here. I've been in relationships where I had always thought the other party was much better than I was (and I'm currently in a relationship with this incredible fellow and I'm trying not to do that) but my god Lauren showed a different side to her, like she was holding all of that emotion in and couldn't take any more. That surprised me...and it set the tone for what apparently happened between them before the real incident occurred. 

I guess the only thing I would recommend here would be to add a * inbetween both Lauren and Nate heading to his apartment, and Nate waking up, simply to show that time had passed. I had to read that section again because it took me a second to realize a time-skip had happened ^^'

I don't think it's really anything worth editing to be honest - I think I was just caught by surprise as to how desperate Nate had become, because I've seen this struggling man staying sane for the sake of his children in the lead-up to this...see this could be just me at the end of the day ^^' 

All you really need to do is just add a sentence or two: (I knew it was stupid. I knew that he would never believe my claim if there was no evidence attached to it. I shouldn't have been here, clutching at straws, but his name resounded in my head again and again, mocking me...) or something along those lines. Even then, you don't need to edit it at all, get another opinion on this ^^

Now this is why I was looking for someone to critique my work - to pick up on little points like that!

Both of your claims are absolutely correct, and I'll be sure to edit this particular chapter to rectify them. Thank you very much for your suggestions! 

I'm a bit worried about future chapters. You see, there is a connection alright, but it's relatively vague...you'll notice this if you decide to stick with the story. You could offer your opinion to it - and it would be entirely welcome - but until then my many thanks to you!

Another impressive chapter, honestly. 

You'll have already known what I'm going to say before I say it: Excellent description, believable dialog, and the very end of this chapter ended on an incredible note, really tucks at the strings. I admire Nate for continuing his life as normally as he can for the sake of his child! 

But something irks me here. It's nothing to do with what you wrote...just the conversation between Nate and the Detective...I don't know. It seemed - and this is only a personal opinion of mine which others can disagree with - a little bit out of character for him to try and convince the Officer that Brandon was the killer and fully expected him to believe his claim and start persecuting him immediately. I just feel that Nate was smarter than that, because even though I could understand the epiphany one must feel - especially one where you find out who your wife's killer is - there was absolutely zero evidence to support this. If I wrote this, I would have omitted that conversation entirely, perhaps had Nate waiting in the receptionist hall and realize his lack of evidence while the fellow before him dragged on and on, instead forming a plan to set an appointment with Brandon directly etc. 

But that's absolutely not a real critique. This chapter is still impressive! I've created much worse! ^^'

I really don't want to sound repetitive here, but I'm falling for your writing style more and more with each chapter. It's the kind of style - description, character development and growth, dialog et al - that I always hoped to achieve, but when I compare our writing it always feels like you have roughly 5% more of everything. I like that - it gives me a benchmark to aim for! 

Back to your chapter, you combine several things easily - the struggles of single parenthood, of being suspected of murder, the revelation at the final sentence, (which I know will extend further in the next chapter.) but it was what was running through Nate's mind...it seemed so out of character for him...that wasn't his real inner voice was it...is something supernatural at play here?...

That...that was something I had never picked up on, until I read your critique - you have my thanks! 

I shall edit to rectify that particular problem - I'm sure it's repeated throughout the novel - as well as the aforementioned problems you mentioned in the previous chapters, but I'm glad you like it, at least it's not a total lost cause ^^'

Apologies for not adding my two cents yesterday - I've come down with the flu - but I feel better enough to respond now...in bed...with hot chocolate and Nutella sandwiches. I am adulting right! #Here'sToNeverGrowingUp

This chapter was lovely. In contrast to its predecessors, this nostalgic conversation really introduces us to Lauren when I was certain we would only deal with the aftermath of what happened to her. I can picture the scene, and picture it perfectly. You may claim to have a bit of trouble with both this present tense of writing and older protagonists, but it's all natural and believable from where I'm sitting. 

I could see your default setting for writing about teenage protagonists shine through this chapter (and that made me laugh) in the way Nate was trying to find a seat with the regular crowd, and pondering why a girl would choose him over anyone else. It was sweet! 

But of course, the future is anything but...

Hmmmmmm...

I'm not sure about Jewel and her claims to be the smartest person on Earth...considering her disastrous performance in chapters one and two. Her IQ seems a little unbelievable as well, I know you want to emphasis to the readers that she is far above average, but I personally feel that is a little too much. 

Other than that, the scene was good, nothing as powerful as previous chapters, but still a noted improvement on the first few chapters. Again, one or two simple spelling errors, nothing that a quick round of editing won't fix!

You've created quite an emotional scene, and an unexpected one at that!
I assumed with the title Rebecca that a new character would have been introduced, but instead readers get wonderful development on Silver. We see turmoil as she struggles with what she had done and how she no longer agrees with her warped ideals, really well done! 

I'm telling you this now, the second half of the story is easily much better than the first half. All that's really needed are more detail of the environment around them (the sights, the sounds, the smells etc.) but you're getting there.

Okay - now we're getting somewhere.
The scene with Oracle was the most detailed of the entire story! I actually put my hand over my mouth when I read that. I was disgusted and horrified...and that's a good thing! 

More splits in the group dynamic, and I fear that they are weakening themselves to fall prey to Zed himself, should he choose to appear.

More interesting developments, and Levi is starting to come into his on.
We expect him to be a murderer by now, but he's also being malicious, divulging in a secret to Drew shortly before what happened next. Credit where credit is due, Drew knows how to play dirty, pity he only got one shot in, I would have loved to have seen more of a fight. 

Same with Silver and Nicki, some more detail of their fight would never hurt, although you're getting better when it comes to writing about their emotions, I got a good sense of their dread just before the contest. 

A couple of spelling errors again, mostly 'too' instead of 'to' - but that's a small thing. Everybody has spelling errors when they write their work for the first time, just make sure you look over it again once it's finished!

But this chapter was nice, an improvement.

The dialog is getting better, I'll give you that. It's flowing well, back-and-forth between characters. Creating a rift between the group was interesting, because I feel that this will come back to haunt them in the future. They may all be at loggerheads at each other, but they are all pawns under the chessmaster that is Zed.

I just wanted to ask, however, because it's dawned on me: What is going on outside of the forest? With Hannenbow, I mean. An idea I had was that you could - at the beginning of every third chapter or so - write a little paragraph (in bold) in the style of a news announcer who delivers the latest disasters which occurred in the United States because of the virus. 

Perhaps the virus had infected the Stock Exchange, causing it to collapse and sending share prices tumbling to new lows, creating bankruptcy among shareholders?

Or perhaps the virus infected sensitive military information, releasing it to the public, sending countries to side against the USA? 

It doesn't have to even relate to the story itself - just make sure you partition it away from said story - but it would flesh out your chapters, and add in some detail. 

Also - for your next draft, and this is only my personal opinion - but it would be great to see more of Jewel's hacking and computer expertise shine through. Perhaps she somehow manages to hack into the mainframe which controls a locked door, opening it without the requirement (and forcing a punishment on the rest of the group by doing so, making the group hate her even more.) Something that would allow readers to see that she is still quite capable of working with mainframes and creating viruses etc. 

In fact, I would love to see why Six, Oracle, Rhythm etc, were chosen to be a part of these games. I assume they all had something unique about them which caused them to be taken away in the same way Jewel had? 

Again, just my opinion. 

They were mainly just predicaments which would have led to Six's refusal to speak, really. Before the true cause was given away, I was constantly thinking of how events in his past would have caused him to remain mute, and that's great because you have readers thinking about your characters! 

An origin story would sound good, at this point, to be honest! (After I finished reading this, of course!)

Again, I can't help but admire the way you added so much feeling into your chapters. It's quite difficult for writers to do this - I've had my criticisms over lack of it in the past, but the way you write the characters, of Elaine and Nate, their dialog, his son. Something as trivial as making a child sleep in his own bed after what had happened to Lauren...

While on that subject, Lauren is really turning into an enigma, even though she will never feature in the story. I'm curious as to what she had done, though I have my theories.

Something I picked up on, however (and I'm not sure whether this matters or not.) was that you don't capitalize the first word after a quote? 

Example: ("That's not fair!" he said.)
As opposed to: ("That's not fair!" He said.)

Is there a right way to do that? I had always thought that you had to capitalize the first word after a quote if said quote was at the beginning of the line. 

But please don't think of that as criticism, merely a curiosity. I can assure you that your chapter was beautifully written, with more than enough vulnerability, horror, and emotion to keep the reader interested!

Well I have a free night, I have nothing on my agenda other than editing my own story, and reviewing and reading others, so I'll read as much of The Killer as I can. If this chapter was any indication, it won't be a laborious read. 

I noticed that your stories gained quite a lot of readers and reads, and it's not hard to see why. Your writing style is fantastic - I'm not normally a fan of present tense in stories but I couldn't imagine this written in any other way - and your ability of portraying emotion is incredible. While I focus on characters roughly in their teenage years, you branch out with various demographics, parents and relatives and children. The funeral, and the loss of a character before the story even begins, was beautifully done. I also noticed towards the end, the sentence The real Lauren, and The funeral woman, which gives me the impression that she wasn't as perfect as she was made out to be, like there was friction among both her and Nate before the tragic event...

There's not a flaw that I can pick out - it read as professionally as established authors. Well done, now onwards...

For me, Six had a sort of pull for me, an appeal where you want to know more about him. As I was reading about him, I came up with multiple different theories and ideas for why he was so silent, there is a condition known as post - traumatic speech impediment where the sufferer would lose control over his/her speech due to a deliberating or terrifying event in time, and although the last chapter I read disproved that, you did something right in making readers think up these kind of things for your characters. It makes things interesting, keeps them memorable! Levi is slowly growing on me. I felt like he was underdeveloped when we first meet him, but now we're starting to see his nature (and it is a sadistic one at that.) I actually enjoy the irony that a murderer would work in the health profession - He would have received extensive training on the studying of the body, injecting veins, which organs are vital and which are not etc. This makes him your most important character in terms of potential. There's so much you can do with him! Oracle ... a hanging death sentence around her, tastefully done, could really make her memorable to the reader. Not killed too early so she could be of merit to tell story, but not killed too late so that her condition seems less serious then it should be...I'll be keeping an eye on her. Having said that, I feel Robert is too much. Obviously he is a pervert, but I would like some more development to him, so even though he still comes across as a slimeball to the reader, perhaps another interest of his would make him seem more human. More believeable. Again, just my opinion!

I actually wasn't expecting you to respond so quickly! I was also perfectly fine with reviewing your work before you did mine, since you were the first person to want comments on your particular story, so I thank you for your quick analysis! I'll be sure to read more of 'The Killer' after I finish another story, but I promise I will get to it by tonight! And I'm really glad you enjoyed the chapters so far...and you may have a point when mentioning italics. I use them frequently, but I have no problem taking what you said on board and changing things. Same for your 'not quite.' remark - I've personally never heard of that rule, so it's nice to have picked up on something new which will benefit me. You have my thanks!

More action - great! I liked this, I liked Oracle's dilemma. The physical confrontation, Six's revelation, all good things, character growth and whatnot. The dialog was better here, conversations were more natural and fluid. The only thing I spotted were that twice in this chapter, you used 'too' instead of 'to' but that's only a minor matter. Anyway, improving, story is starting to gain momentum...

More characters, more description, always a good thing. I'd be a little careful with adding too many characters at once, but here its not a problem. There were a little number of spelling mistakes in the first part of the chapter, but other than that, nothing negative to report...

Both good AND bad in this chapter. First off: The good. We FINALLY get to see some grit in this work, and Levi gains a wonderful double - edge to his character. The fact that he has health experience - coupled with his more innate urges - was something I didn't expect, but was entirely welcome. Also adding in the twist that a character thought he was safe - followed quickly by his demise by an unexpected source - makes this easily your best chapter thus far. You explored more adult themes here, well done. But despite that, the antagonists in this novel continue to be a little comical, like you're trying to make these characters humorous when it doesn't help your work at all. The voice turning around to ask Zed if he could actually say something 'lewd' seemed a bit weird seeing as said voice then had ZERO problem with asking about rape...it detracts from this chapter slightly. In my opinion, I'd remove that little part from this chapter altogether, get rid of any mention of Zed here and make the voice completely and utterly sure of itself. But still, an improvement!

And that's perfectly fine! What would annoy me will no doubt be another's favorite aspect of your story, but it will benefit you to get differing opinions to see if there is anything both sides would say needs improving. I'll continue the story, no doubt about that!

Okay... I'm going to be blunt - and I'm only saying this to help you improve, because during our brief conversations you come across as a nice and optimistic person and I sincerely hope you continue writing forever more - but work needs to be done. A lot of it. To start with, the dialog is starting to grow a little poor. Much of it is one - liners or sentences with not much depth to it. Jewel is the exception here, but everyone else seem a little naive, like they don't know what to say? I would seriously recommend looking at other people's work - specifically character dialog - and spend a few hours studying that carefully. I'm not saying mine is perfect - I've received plenty of critiques with problems in my own character development - but there are little things that are irking me, such as the fact that almost nobody introduced so far realized that the tattoos they wear are roman numerals. For me, that would be a fairly common fact, and save for Levi (his tattoo was in an awkward place) the rest of the characters don't seem at all bothered by the fact that they have them: If someone grafted some ink on me, I would feel horrified, disguised, and more than a little afraid. The challenge to move to the next door, I found, was much too easy... I'll stop now, because I can see myself becoming an asshole here, but again I want to emphasize that all of this is being said to help you improve...

Hmmmm... For me, I would have liked to have seen a little more...action in this chapter? Obviously you were introducing more characters, explaining the 'Zed Game' and whatnot...I just felt that the chapter ended mid - conversation, and not in a suitable point in the story? It's probably just me... The robotic voice, also, didn't seem to have a very threatening and sinister tone to it. It seemed like it was trying to be comical somewhat, and for me personally it doesn't come off very well. If it were me I would change it so that it would only state facts. ( "You must complete these puzzles in order to escape the forest. If you fail in your task you will die. Do not attempt to escape, and do not attempt to respond. This is an automated recording, and will disintegrate upon completion. Etc...) Again, perhaps more emphasis on describing the surroundings, but I've already mentioned that and you took that on board.

It takes practice definitely, I would most certainly help any way I can...when I'm not exhausted and in need of sleep! I shall leave you for now, but definitely get in touch again and I'll help you out Alternatively, I can create covers for you, if you don't feel so inclined to make one yourself? But alas, bed. G'night!

*whispers* GIMP is love, GIMP is life.... The covers for 'In Love with Air', 'The Wolf in the Woods' and 'Boy' were made on it. Plus - free. As in zero money.

Judging a book by its cover eh? Oldest cliché in the book ( I am terrible at humor) It's all photoshop - the background is stock yellow on Google images, the abstract branches came from a pattern of a tree which I then enlarged, and the font is customisable. GIMP is a free platform with 95% of the qualities of Photoshop, though if you plan on downloading it - be careful with how you do so. Wiki how gave me the method I used, and eventually I got the hang of it!

Some fences do and some don't. Some are only audible once you lean in really close to it. (personal experience...didn't end well) so you could add this in once Jewel gets shocked first, stands up again, and then inspects the fence closer when she hears it? 

Please nerve lose your ability to accept criticism - it's really what separates those who give up to those who will live up to the pressure and become compressed into a diamond.

My earliest work (thankfully deleted) was much worse than yours - I didn't even add paragraphs! To anything! 

You're fine!

A little bit more interesting here.

Now that I know more about Jewel - both from reading and your own insights into her character - I'm almost starting to forgive some careless things that she does (such as touching an electric fence without thinking it through first.) The very first sentence unnerved me (good thing) because someone undressed her - and this added sleaze adds some grit to the story. Not much, but some. 

I'm not too sure about Levi, but this is the first chapter he is in, so I'll save any reservations for when I read more about him. 

I think for this chapter, more emphasis could be spent on describing the environment. Jewel wakes up in a terrifyingly alien place to her, and while you detailed traces of moonlight against the height of leaves above her head, perhaps you could add more. Any sounds? (wildlife around her?) any wind that would chill her? Rustling of leaves above her head? Any trickle of water nearby? The buzzing of the electric fence?

Also, since Jewel walked for hours during the night, I would personally add in things such as :how sore her feet were from traveling, perhaps how thirsty/hungry she would be after the journey, the exhaustion in her eyes etc? 

That's my two cents for this chapter, continuing now...

Oh?
Multi-character universe?
Someone who wants to kill Jewel?

I'm intrigued...

Okay, I just read this now, and that is absolutely fair enough! 

I was generalizing when it came to the color of a character's eyes. I wasn't using Jewel for that particular description, but I can understand why I should have, apologies! ^^' 

And if I'm being too harsh, please tell me so. I'm only commenting honestly but I don't want to diminish your ambitions as a writer or this story - I'm only hoping to add my thoughts and offer suggestions. We could all improve - I'm not perfect yet. Teamwork!

... Right. 
Again, I'm starting to see Jewel as a contradiction. How can one who is smart enough to create powerful viruses in her spare time be so carelessly stupid in sending said virus to a complete stranger's E-mail account? Worse still, once she realized said virus was out of control, why would Jewel just attempt to 'sleep and maybe everything will be okay.' I don't have a sense of how old she is, but if it weren't for the fact that her boyfriend (who drives) exists, then I would have to place her as a 13 year-old hacker. Maybe 15 at a stretch, but that's how she appears to me, and perhaps others who read this. 

I found a little of Michael's dialog to be horrendous. "What's a Devastation Virus?" - the clue is in the name. 

I sound like an asshole, but in truth this could be improved tenfold. To start with, perhaps add what Jewel is doing when constructing the virus (Example, perhaps add that she was altering the basic coding within Hannenbow's memory-core matrix to allow it to adapt and replicate virus protection software in an effort to bypass/envelop them. Make it sound technical, let us see the genius Jewel is capable of!) Secondly, more emotion from Jewel's part when her little project goes wrong. Make it dramatic, her eyes widening in terror, her laptop falling to the ground in the midst of her shock, screen cracked yet still functioning etc. Spice things up!

Hmmm...

So I finished reading this first chapter...I was left a little indifferent to it, it never really caught my attention. I shall explain. For me, basing an entire chapter over a keyboard...it doesn't seem like something that could sustain thousands of words, and unfortunately it falls a little bit flat here. 

Jewel seems like a contradiction - smart enough to create sophisticated viruses, yet with the mindset of an adolescent. Of course, that could very well be used to your advantage ('Near' in 'Deathnote' is almost as accomplished a detective as L, yet is seen playing with kids toys.) Of course I have only gleamed this from one chapter, and I'll hold my reservations until I read more about her. Right at this present moment, however, I am not sold. This will sound harsh, but I will never criticize without offering a way to help you out. One way you can do this is to give your character traits, little things that will make her seem more believable, while adding roughly 10-20 words every time you add it in. Marginal gains, but every little helps. For example: Does she have any habits? (Biting her nails, scratching behind her ear whenever bored/excited/angry/bothered? etc) 

Also for me, describing a character's entire physical characteristics in one or two lines doesn't read very well, and it would benefit majorly from spreading it out throughout the chapter. For example, give the color of her eyes in one paragraph (She stared at him in anticipation, her royal-blue eyes focusing on him like a laser) and maybe her hair in another (She slammed the car door shut behind her, moving aside her curtain of *insert hair color* hair aside so she could get a good look at him.)

On a positive note, I liked the interaction between Jewel and Michael. It felt very natural, some witty humor added for good measure, it was nice - it felt like a dysfunctional couple. 

So that's my take on chapter one. I'll be leaving more comments shortly.

First of all, when I saw your comment I was shocked you were on this site - before it was quickly replaced with sheer excitement! I honestly cannot wait to see what efforts you come up with and post here! 

Secondly, thank you very much for your comment! I'm not happy with the sudden font size variations at the very beginning of the chapter - something I still can't rectify - but this novel is the prequel to Eamersdr - Dreamers with my Canadian galpal/collaborator Emi Valladarez (She also has the beginnings of a sequel written on her page, check out her work, honestly. Her novel 'The Princes and the Dragon' is the #1 recommended work on this website) 

And obviously - since you know me - you know that I'm on-hand if you need any help, the same way I know you are for me! If you do continue reading this then I hope you enjoy it!

This... It was vivid. It was elaborately detailed, the dialog was perfect - referencing the Red Hot Chilli Peppers was an instant pull for me - and your characters are incredibly believeable. You've researched the main character quite throroughly - I resonate those feelings he experiences sometimes - and Demri was just an absolute joy to read. There's...there's not much wrong with this...I'd even go so far to say that there's NOTHING wrong with it. It pulled me in and left me wanting much more - well done!

I'm glad I'm writing too! It felt like too long a departure! 

Not a one-shot - more of an LGBT college story...but the first few chapters will hold nothing of what's in store for the overall plot for this novel. 

This chapter shows an improvement. Longer, with some nice descriptions between the fighting and Soto 's injuries. There were also some nice little touches, including 'sounds of fighting on the breeze'. It looks like you tried to take what I said into account. I'm not sure if this was written before my review, or perhaps you paid no heed to me and this improvement was entirely coincidental. There are still some (tiny) grammar errors, so comb over it again and see if you can tune it, and in this chapter I started to notice that many of your sentences start with the same 'He' suffix: He did this. He did that. He then did something else etc. Just be careful of repetition of your words. But again, a marked improvement. Do keep it up!

That may be just the biggest literacy compliment I have ever received to date, thank you so much! Just to point out that this story is still being edited, so any and all grammar mistakes and awkward dialog will be fixed in good time. But thank you once again!

I'm going to have to say this - just from glancing at this particular chapter - it reads quite awkwardly. It feels more like a script rather than a story. Present tense isn't particularly effective when conveying fiction, and I couldn't feel comfortable reading it. Of course, that could be just me because I'm not used to reading in such a tense. You're actually mixing tenses throughout this short piece - though a simple round of editing should eliminate that. I also felt that you dove right into this plot without much or any backstory. Of course, this could be because this story is a sequel and that I would have to read your other works to discover it, but if this IS a standalone novel...then it would SEVERELY confuse readers with its terminology.

I don't know...I'll keep reading to see if I can warm up to this...

I see... Quite detailed as mentioned by the previous comment - but no less effective for it - you did a really good job in setting the reader up for the story at large. There were some very small niggles - "screen popped a loading screen" seemed a little repetitive, you could replace the end of that phrase with 'icon' or another suitable substitute. - as well as a misspelt 'too' towards the very end of the chapter...but other than that I quite enjoyed it. The plot seems vaguely similar to something...but I can't quite put my finger on it... But I digress. Interesting premise and I'm looking forward to see what's next.

The plot thickens it seems, and more and more names seem to be associated with Rem...If that is even her real name. Again an enjoyable chapter, the public execution (I had to re - visit the revised chapter two to read the extra context you added) really made things clear as to how this government/religion/cooperation runs things. I would like to see Rem's ties with the girl Anna. Of course, I'm more interested in what protagonists will do next...

Okay, I am going to criticize my own chapter, if that's alright? I spotted some things which needed to be changed.

- For ~"No." I admitted truthfully, still hyperventilating from the event but forcing myself to keep my nerve. "I was saved at the last moment!" could you change the dialog of the last sentence to "We ran for shelter as soon as we saw it!" ?

- Could you please italicize "I lied for the sake of his pride. I know he would have wanted his father to praise him for his own efforts, but sometimes you must learn to appease some people in this world."

- When describing the Chieftain and his company from the sea-faring part of the world, I made a typo: "They looked at of place here"

- Could you please italicize "I'ghtskn - exiles"?

- I know I'm sounding annoying and repetitive, but please bare with me! Please Italicize "Y'Ko L'el L'Slrve"?

- For "More out roar" I forgot to join the words together, could you change to "Outcry"?

Did I also tell you that you are the best co-author?

I'll have all of these little errors and italics sorted out in my next chapter, and thank you very much for having the patience to edit this, I am entirely grateful dear!

 

Thank you very much for your comment! I'm honestly delighted that you raised those points. The world in which L'Slrve lives in was meant to draw inspiration from native American culture, but you raised an excellent point in adding more context about the world, and the need to clarify the Father's role. There are multiple tribes throughout the world, which are supposed to be unified under L'Slrve's father...perhaps a simple edit will rectify those slight errors. As for the names - they were also inspired by native American examples. If they were a serious stumbling block to the reader they may be changed. Thank you again for your comments, and we hope you continue reading!

I seem to find myself imagining this story in such a futuristic yet primitive city, overpopulated and yet you could feel like a stranger instantaneously. Credit to the world - building in this particular chapter - giving readers a feel for the environment and the atmosphere of everyday life. We now have a name for said girl - rem - and the first thing that came into my head was 'remember'? We also see the beginnings of what appears to be a corrupt political caste towards the very end of the chapter? Keep it up!

Very...interesting. It's a good premise for a story - interesting enough to grip my interest and make me reach for the second chapter - which is what #1 should do. Obviously my attention is drawn to the girl (well done for adding a layer of mystery to her...her responses were witty and intelligent for an individual with such a high bounty on her head.) I guess I must add that there are one or two grammatical errors ('it's' instead of 'its' being one example, but a simple round of editing would clear them up.) and that you should start a new line whenever someone new speaks. (This will allow your story to flow much more naturally.) But this is a fine effort for a curious story.

I actually saw this particular work in the run-up to St. Patrick's Day - I find it ironic and incredible that I would find its author getting into contact with me! Taking a look at the first chapter, with the robbery and our introductory look into Connor and his life, it becomes apparent that you're quite capable of painting a scene - whether it's the dark and revered atmosphere of a museum or the description of Ireland, I was never lacking in spacial awareness, something that is usually lacking with some novels. But, there are some things I want to look at, and some things I would like to suggest: There was some mix - up of tenses in your chapter (fourteen year old Connor has AWAKENED at four o’clock in order to begin his day assisting at the fishery. Coming from a poor homestead and living only with his mother, the lad SPENDS his summers and weekends working) it's not a big problem, but you should stick to one tense. (present or future, in this instance) You took meticulous research into Ireland, its location, its culture, its language, which is to be commended. However, I felt that the Ireland you painted here was too...aspirational, in that your research focused on tourist brochures ( I sound like an asshole here, I know, but that was how it felt to me, in my most brutal honesty.) Ireland is far from perfect, and no matter where you live there are flaws which natives take into account which removes the 'sheen' of a country which tourists would otherwise miss. Thirdly, I felt slightly confused as to who was telling the story, so to speak. It focuses on two thieves in one part, then the point of view changes to the Irish teenager who witnesses their robbery...but the final part, where you describe the country as a whole, had no character attached to it, and that slightly confused me? Perhaps that is just me... Now having said all of that, your grammar was perfect (a major plus) and I have to admit that you DID capture the charm of the Irish lore and atmosphere, while also leaving us with a plot that will thicken with each new chapter. I may come across as critical here, but my writing is far from perfect myself. We as writers offer criticism to help us improve, and I hope I helped in some small way!

Okay, so I took a look at your chapter, and there are a couple of things that I would like to point out. First of all, you should start a new line whenever a new person speaks. It breaks up the chapters nicely and looks more appealing to the eye. Secondly, I felt that this chapter could have been fleshed out more -It felt a bit short to me. You could add a few more hundred words describing the environment your characters live in, perhaps extend the short exchange between Pastro and Crnoborg? There were a few spelling errors as well (Our village is under attacked!) when it should be 'attack' being one example. Having said that, I'm not immune to spelling mistakes myself, and when I started writing I was offered opinions and criticisms to help me along my way. We all start from somewhere, and I have no doubt that you can improve dramatically. Your world has potential, just keep it up!

Also apologies for the spelling mistake in my comment. I'm typing on my phone you see!

Very, very impressed with what I'm reading here, to be perfectly honest. You have a way with words few other authors have on this website, and it instantly reminds of the works of Christopher Paolini. You've given readers everything they needed to enjoy this chapter - you paint the geography and the setting rather well, the characters are believable and the strategies of placing the coronation elsewhere were sound and we'll - thought out. It usually takes one chapter to make or break a story for me, this really didn't disappoint. I noted one little curiosity, however. (Behind her, she heard footsteps rushing behind her. She didn't bother to look behind her; she already knew who it was. She sped up her horse.) There was no need at all for the second 'behind her' while you could change the third time to 'She didn't bother to look behind.' If you wished. But honestly that was just a simple error - easily erased!

Wow...what a compliment! I'm honored!
This was the first novel I had written - after a variety of fanfiction works - and it's been re-written and edited so many times. Hopefully (if you still continue to read it) it will remain coherent and enjoyable. 

Hahahaha that is actually such a great idea, I should have thought of that during high school...oh well!
Thank you for your comment!

I return the same compliments, and would like to say that that was my chapter, so I claim responsibility for the errors you found (Emi is much better!) I'll comment a novel of your own in the (very) near future!

There are a few things that I want to point out, but first and foremost I would like to commend the sheer length of your chapters. It takes detication to write such an amount per chapter, and it was the first thing I noticed. However, I felt that the very length of said chapters work against you. Obviously this is subjective - and other people would argue my case and they would be right - but for me my concentration span wasn't enough to read this all in one go. There were some grammar and spelling errors throughout your chapter, and I can honestly say that on this particular chapter, you need to work on detail. It took more than 1000 words for me to realize that the protagonist was a girl. I was also confused about Magmun's age. I had assumed that they were the same age, childhood friends, but it seems more of a mentor/student relationship. There was also a lack of description of the environment throughout this chapter, particularly at the beginning of the chapter. I guess simply more effort needed in describing the world around the characters - as well as the characters themselves and fixing up the spelling and grammar - and your chapters will improve dramatically. I'm not a perfect writer myself, and I regularly suffer from the mistakes I pointed out. It's just looking at other people's work and discussing our respective work that will help us improve!

I only spotted one typo in this chapter: " but I was no delighted that I had not discovered the boy's name" when it should be "now". But don't worry - That was my bad! Glad to see this effort being launched - and I wait eagerly for the next chapter!

I also apologize for the errors inside my previous comment.

I was typing on my phone, hopefully it still came across as coherent.

I just glanced at this story from the homepage - it had so many views for a story which had not been commented on or 'favorited', so I decided to investigate. And was two-thirds impressed. To start with, I enjoy your writing style. Your opening to this chapter was one of the best I had seen for any novel, and you pile on the action thick and early - immediately in fact - so the reader is gripped from the beginning. You've clearly done a lot of research, both with the setting and with weaponry in general, and your characters already have personalities that can be developed and worked on throughout your work. Something I would hope to emulate one day. But. I found the constant repetition of the names of weapons incredibly tiring. In general, you can get away with announcing the type of weapon, and readers will understand that said character until he/she continues to use it until you write that they have changed it. Quite bluntly, and this opinion is subjective and easily debatable, it felt slightly like you payed more attention to said weaponry and ensuring that they sounded as realistic as possible rather than the story or plot itself. I felt it suffered a tiny tiny bit as a result. In terms of describing your characters, I honestly grow tired of writers describing their entire appearance in the first line, and I felt the same here. Not for every character you announced, admittedly - those that were dispatched are excused, because readers never see them again- but it would have been more effective to give readers small amounts of detail at a time - announce the color of their eyes in one paragraph, their clothing the next etc etc. You're not entirely guilty of this, but definitely some small but of work needed there. Finally, there was a typo I found within your story. ( Her head lolled. ) I assume you meant 'rolled' or some other substitute? I'm instantly assuming that it is the word 'lol' - popular with Internet speak- and if this is indeed an error I hope that it is not present within the kindle version of your novel. I'll try to read more of this - it's certainly better than some/all of my efforts and the plot and premise and writing style hold my interest, but there are tiny things you could work on. I'll give a review once I finish, your story has been viewed enough to warrant one at this point. I'm looking forward to seeing more.

Just wanted to say that your story picture is Homura Akemi from Madoka Magica, and that I had assumed that your story as a fanfiction of said series. I think it would be better if you used a different image - as other people might also make that assumption and feel disappointed that the story does not involve her?

I wouldn't give an official review of the story so early into its existence. (But expect one once this story progresses) Having said that, I thoroughly enjoyed what I've seen so far. Your writing style is exemplary, very back and forth between He and She as they talk to each other. The chapters are very short, but somehow they seem much longer with the amount of detail you place in each of them. I found myself engrossed in each of them, slightly disappointed when they ended. I haven't come across many stories here that caught my attention in quite the same way. Please do keep it up!

-The Chapter Plot- 

I read the blurb for this story - but even that didn't prepare me for just how far south this chapter was going to go. First of all, I am actually feeling a little bit optimistic for this character - even after what she went through already, her mind doesn't seem to be broken from the torture when she communicates with us in the present. That gives me hope...although I'm not sure if this should be justified.

Anaya's been through hell. Literally hell. Her beginnings start off from a parent's worst nightmare - a pity that her mother never really believed her and her claims that she was being molested. It's unfortunate but in real life not a lot of people believe these claims, especially if it is their own children who come forward with them. 

But things get really interesting when she ends up kidnapped. Although I believe that this was introduced far too quickly. We discover that fact in the space of a sentence and a half, when you could easily have made it more sinister and foreboding to describe how Anaya could see them coming, running away from them, being caught and perhaps escaping them temporarily only to be caught again, this was a pivotal part of the story...I just felt like it didn't receive the recognition it deserved, if that makes sense? 

This woman that seems to oversee this little operation - I have a million and one questions for her. 
- Why is she doing this?
- What is her reason for kidnapping children and harvesting their powers?
- Why does she hold kids with abilities? Does she have a plan for them?
- Are there anybody higher up the chain of command than she is?

She reminds me of Dr. Cathrine Halsey from the Halo franchise - A woman who kidnapped six-year-olds and indoctrinated them into thinking that they were the ultimate heroes. Regina reminds me of her, but she seems to be even more sinister, as if she is morally immune to what she is doing...which means that she must have been doing this for quite some time. 

Overall, this chapter holds a lot of potential, definitely something I would enjoy reading if you choose to publish more chapters - Keep it up!

Very...interesting...
I'm going to write 2 comments on this particular chapter: One with the plot itself, and one for the way the chapter was written, if that's okay?

-The Chapter Layout-

 

It looks good here, the story flows quite seamlessly, and your setting shifts from the present to the past quite clearly. I would, however, suggest that if your character, or another character, is thinking something, that you put it into Italics, so that people can immediately grasp that their communicating through thought - especially important since it seems telepathy will be a large form of communication in your story. 

 

(It's okay. I cut too. My name's Anaya. Know where they're taking us? Or even who they are?

Zac stared at me, eyes wide.

Holy shit, you're telepathic! That's so fucking cool! I'm Zac and they took us because of our powers.)

Also want to point out that "This is my third time escape" doesn't read properly, as well as 'Abductor's' in the final sentence of the chapter, simply remove the apostrophe in that case (although of course I know that these are errors - trust me, I do things like this all the time!)

I've also noticed that you don't seem to deviate from the word 'said' throughout your chapter - sometimes you do, but to a reader this can seem repetitive. I suggest substituting this word with alternatives such as 'replied' 'responded' 'countered' 'argued' 'continued' 'reasoned' 'complained' 'whined' 'muttered' 'whispered' etc, just to give your chapter a little more sense of variety. 

Having said all of this, your chapter reads a lot better than some works I've seen on any platform. There is always going to be errors that require the writer to look over it again and change it - I'm sure you wouldn't need to look very hard to spot mistakes on mine! Please do keep this up...It has potential!

 

 

Thank you very much for your response! I'm really glad you enjoy it, I've been feeling doubtful about that particular chapter but if you couldn't find anything wrong then perhaps it's okay. I'll respond to your PM as quickly as I can I just want to focus on writing the latest chapter of this novel, but I haven't forgotten!

I laughed way too hard at that! (Hey I didn't notice either so I guess I am no better than you grammatically!)

Thank you very much for continuing the story! I wouldn't be offended if this genre wasn't really your thing, but I do appreciate it. 
Really my aim for Aidan is for him to expand and grow at an impossibly quick rate. As an Artifical Intelligence he has access to any and every technological invention - but I want him to have flaws, such as not understanding the concept of 'privacy' and rushing recklessly towards new information without thinking things through. For a 'program' (and you're on-point calling him that, don't worry) he had been created to be as 'human' as possible, with emotive algorithms to boot!

The next chapter will make things clearer as to his intended purpose, I hope!

You really are too flattering! I have a pretty long way to go in the world of writing yet, but thank you all the same!

Yeah I was getting burned out writing some of other works in progress so I just started with a completely fresh idea. I'm really glad you enjoyed the prologue! Don't worry about not grasping it initially - the chapter was deliberately made with mystery in mind: mystery as to what the project was about, mystery as to who is in charge inside the laboratory, and mystery as to what time period this is set in (I think I won't assign this story a certain date, allow people to come to their own conclusions - but there will be futuristic cues added throughout to give a sense of a more advanced civilization than the present day)
 
The story will be split into three POVs - Aidans, Ethan and Avery. Ethan's story begins in the second chapter, while Avery (and Christina, by the way c:) will feature more prominently as the story progresses. 

Also, this is the first story where I know what I am going to write plotwise - you're worked with me, you know the 'on the spot' style I usually employ (and the self-consciousness I usually feel along with it ^^' ) 

Thank you very much for your comment! I really appreciate it!

Well, I have to say that I really rather liked your prologue. It was very descriptive - I could picture the scene quite clearly, which is something some people find difficult. I am left intrigued with the world that you conjured up, I'll be interested in how it develops as the story progresses. As an appetiser it was really rather good. I would agree with previous comments in regards to the dialogue, but I would recommend reading some other fantasy works to get a sense of how the characters speak. I will comment when I can but I am definitely going to follow this story!

Immediately upon looking at your first chapter, a number of things spring forward that need to be addressed. (Don't worry they are minor details, but readers will be more likely to continue reading your story if they were removed/changed.) 

- First of all, I felt the some of your sentences were very long "The night was dark , cold , and so silent , except for the sound of the rain drops hitting the concrete ground , while the partial moon is shining on the wet street making it look like a mirror reflecting the emotions and fears of all those walking over it , a pale looking middle aged man wearing a big rain coat , holding a brown umbrella and walking in fast steps towards the end of the street trying to avoid the watery spots of the street , until he got to a door with a sign that says " Doctor Olrik Clinic "​"  You should study other people's work and pay close attention to how they use commas ( , ) and full stops. ( . )

- You misspelled "I'm " as "am" throughout the chapter. 

- in my opinion ( and you can choose to ignore this if you want as this is subjective) you should start a new line whenever someone different speaks. 

Example: "Hey!" Person A began.

"Hello to you too!" Person B responded. "How are you today?"

"I'm doing pretty well thank you."

it just makes the chapter look more appealing to the reader, and you would be surprised how fuzzy readers can be when it comes to details like this. 

But please do keep it up! I'll be sure to comment on the content of your story at some point.

 

Would you believe that I had missed this comment, and that I have only come across it now? (I apologize!) but your compliments are really comforting! 

I'm glad you liked it thus far, though I am struggling to come up with more chapters for this story. I feel like I've burned out when it comes to writing, so I am taking a short break to brush up on reading other novels and trying to draw inspiration from there. I'm rather glad though that what I HAVE written down looks okay to one of the most popular authors on SparkaTale! 

You are most kind! 

Really I have been looking over your chapters in our collab in order to get the right mindset of writing these chapters - I will readily admit that this writing style is out of my forte, but I would like to think I am improving in that regard. 

Perhaps it would have been beneficial for either Lilyem or Geoff to have escaped along with Knowl, but I felt that would bring the focus away from Knowl as a main character as I would have had to write and come up with character development for one of them as well.

And whoever said that they had been killed? :3

The Ursurpers? Oh they'll have their moment to shine, and all will be revealed - but later, much later! 

I absolutely adore everything about this! 

From the title, to the cover art, to the chapter itself. So it has been seven years since the events of our last novel and I can tell that Sylvia had been hiding behind the illusion of Medea for so long. I was asking myself of how she was summoned by Arlen when he thought of her as dead, but then we discover Sylvia had been living under an illusion spell ( very nice touch by the way!) 

There his also been new additions to the group ( those who do not know of their commander's true identity) it'll be interesting to see how they add to the story. The renaming of the Ackbl Ightkn after what had happened seven years previous was nice and I prefer how it is now, actually. Their title seems more...noble. 

And of course - the Giver and the Taker. They were a very nice concept, executed perfectly. Their trade and offers really made me glue my eyes to the words because I wanted to see just what would happen - and the brief imagined reunion between Sylvia and Medea ( after knowing all they have been true) seemed emotional and bittersweet! Will Sylvia have any memories of her now, or was that the price of knowledge about the Eamersdr? 

I loved this, and this served as a reminder that you were much more in control writing about this series than I will ever be ^^'

Hello!
Thank you for taking the time for reviewing!
To answer your first question, I would read this novel first and then head towards the prequel, or the sequel that is being planned by my lovely co-author (due sometime soon) - think of it like 'Lord of The Rings' and 'The Hobbit' as I'm trying to make both stories separate from each other yet set in the same world. The prequel is set almost a thousand years previous so it will have no real connection to any of the characters in this novel. 

Relating to your review itself, I deliberately made this chapter slightly mundane to reflect Dylan's boredom with everyday life - hopefully in the later chapters it will speed up much more quickly as the adventure kicks off. I was actually glad you mentioned 'The Wizard of Oz'. I didn't spot the similarities until now but now that I had I can definitely see the resemblance. 

Take your time with reviewing by the way, I can appreciate that this is not the only story within this entire website xD Thank you again for your review!

You could be right about NYC and their football allegiances - I literally have no idea about American Football and I was watching a game with my brother where the Eagles were playing and I just nabbed them! If it turns out you are right I will change it for the sake of accuracy!

And you may have a good point when it comes to digressing. I'll admit I haven't spotted it until you mentioned it, so I'll take it on board and see what I can do! Thank you for your honesty and for your continued interest in my stories (I feel like it's slightly unfair that you review multiple stories of mine while I cannot find the time to view yours - that will change tonight! ^^')

Very nice opener. 
I really enjoyed your writing style, lightly poetic and clear enough for me to grab a vivid picture of what's to come. 
I'm looking forward to reading more.

Okay, I've taken a look at your first chapter and there are a couple of things that you could do to help it along a bit. (I didn't mind the plot itself, it was a nice introductory chapter that introduces us to the characters):

- You don't need to keep referencing who said what. I felt it was a bit repetitive by the twentieth time I read 'Lily Ann said' and your chapters would be more pleasant to read if you switched it up a bit. When writing a conversation between two people, you don't need to keep referencing their names, readers will know whose turn it was to speak. also, replacing their name with 'He said' or 'She said' will suffice. 

- I felt that Edith's description was perhaps a little too descriptive (Edith stood a five foot three inches and had a slightly stocky build. Her hair was the color of dark chocolate and straight as a pin as it hung just below her shoulders. Her eyes were a bright powder blue, which was almost a complete contrast to Lilly Ann's five foot seven, lean frame. Her dark blond hair hung in a braid down to her waist and her eyes were a deep midnight blue.)
* No-one can tell a person's precise height simply from looking at them, I feel it's a bit unrealistic to write that (But that's just me. I've been told otherwise from other authors)
* It's usually better to spread a person's description throughout the chapter rather than in one simple paragraph. You could write what color her hair is, then follow up with a short dialog between characters, and then add some other form of description afterwards? I just don't like description in a concentrated part of the chapter and I find it is much better to spread it out, as I've said already. 
 

- There were some grammatical errors, but nothing that cannot be fixed with a simple round of editing. Everyone suffers from it, and in your case it's just a simple case of 'its' instead of 'it's' (  it's chipped red paint giving it that authentic look.) placing a full stop where it should have been a comma, (You'll be staying at the new place. But come on in for a bite to eat.” )etc. Just look over your work and you'll be as right as rain.

- I felt that stating the character's ages as you introduced them was needless. (Eighteen year old Lilly Ann stifled a yawn as she sank back into her seat.
 Nineteen year old Mary said.
Twenty year old Luke said .)
It just doesn't sit right with me for some reason. 

- You claim that Lily Ann's secret identity is Callie Cameron, yet you then write that : There were only three people who knew Callie's identity as Lilly Ann Martin...
A simple mistake, yet a glaringly obvious one. 

Now, I bet you're looking over this review thinking I am Satan himself for listing all of that, but really it's for your benefit and to help you better yourself as a writer. I have received lots of criticism (both nice constructive, as well as flame reviews) and made me really think about how I was writing and the amount of mistakes I was having. I'm not saying you're a bad writer, not by any means! You have a determination to write and it's evident in the amount of chapters you have written that you are an individual who wants to finish a project once you begin and not a lot of people can claim that. Also I'm far from perfect in the art of literacy myself (Just ask The Tigress, she commented on one of my stories and listed quite a large number of mistakes I had made ^^' ) 

I'll read more of your work, and do keep writing. You can only get better at it!

Well I am terribly glad you enjoyed it! (You know how I am with looking back over my work - I actually feel both chapters up here could be improved immensely, but I will write the bulk of the story first and then perform the editing from there.)

What I really wanted to do was to remove Knowl from the comfort of the life he once had, and be thrust into the magic and danger of the world around him. His parents were Eamersdr and were more than aware of the enemies and the war that lingers throughout the land, and they decided to shield him from them. As a result, he is completely oblivious to the use of magic, and has only read about the mythical creatures on paper and had not encountered any other race in his short life (although that will change) . 

I've uploaded the second chapter and will work on the third right now!

I'm actually really glad to get this kind of response!
This was really a test chapter to see how people would react because I was just messing around with some draft towns and a variety of different scenes (sea town, a town surrounded by mountains, or forests etc) and I settled with having a town by the sea - because why not?

You're fantastic with combing through chapters and giving your points of view about it. I'm actually so much more confident now after reading your comment! There's going to be a lot of violence and action in this particular novel, and all the mythical creatures are under the Ursurpers control (They will be a separate race I think) 

I'm thinking, after chapter 2, to time-skip a few years to when Knowl turns 18 and aims to become a knight, any comments on that? 

Thank you so much for reading - and I'm looking forwarding to your 'Eamersdr' sequel!

Why thank you, thank you very much!
Honestly I don't mind the delays (take as long as you need - just the fact that you're still sticking to my story and not grown bored of it is a minor miracle in itself!)

I'm going over the entire story and eliminating any grammatical errors and streamlining the plot, I was able to spot little mistakes which is great! I still have to continue to review 'Blood Trails' , there isn't even a valid excuse this time!

Thank you for your continued interest m'dear!

This was quite an interesting start to a story, m'dear!

I have to admit, this different writing style of yours works really well. I especially love the snarky attitude of Dominic, and breaking the fourth wall through the chapters. His dialog, too, was hilarious. ( I actually know someone who speaks precisely like him, so I can imagine his speech inside both chapters I've read!) Darcy is a very well-described character - so mysterious and well thought out. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of your story - and the events that will no doubt unfold! 

(The only thing I spotted was towards the bottom of the second chapter, the it's should be its. that was the only problem I could find, nothing that can't be fixed. Keep it up! )

Actually, while you've said that...I kinda forgot that we charged into this completely blind and just threw up surprises and sub-plots! It certainly looks a whole lot more concrete then it must have appeared when we were overcoming our respective writer's blocks and telling each other not to critique our work too much!

I will perform the necessary surgeries, and don't worry about the commas! 

Very nicely done. I found it refreshing that the only 'plot' in this story is the writing that's there for the reader to see. I've read numerous stories of authors who exhaust themselves with world-building and trying oh-so-hard to come up with numerous scenarios and disasters ( I count myself as one of those unfortunately)  but your work reads like letters from one person to another. There's no need for any outside interference and it's all the better for that. Are they a series of letters from one person to another? I liked what I read, would be interested to see if there would be any more chapters added.

So i'm 1600 words in...but this wonderful tablet will.not.send.private.messages and I can't even *frustration*

Okay...so I'm attempting to write this.. 

But this writer's block is just so...=/

Also Emi, I'm very sorry for not being online recently, my laptop is kaputt and my tablet won't send PMs ( utterly frustrating) ! 

I'm going to upload both chapters now, and begin writing le finale! 

Thank you for your review on the second chapter! 

I didn't have time to visit Sparkatale recently due to other commitments, but I'll make sure to fix the typos and uneven spacing asap! This was Emi's chapter so in the other regards of your review I'll leave her to decide whether to change the dialog or not.

Also apologies for the bad grammar - I'm writing on my tablet and its keyboard is slightly erratic.

It's a good introduction to your novel. You explain things quite well, though I have virtually no idea what time period this is set in. It says in your blurb that his story takes place after an economic collapse in America...yet humanity seems to have regressed to a tribal state. Where has the modern weaponry gone? Are there no buildings that would prove vastly superior to tents? What exactly opened after the collapse? Did riots ensue? What did the government do in order to fix anything? Perhaps the one thing you're missing is a prologue- something that would give readers a sense of what happened leading up to the story. it needn't be long, UST a brief summary between the disaster and the present day. 

 

At least, that's only my individual opinion - What you have written down was good!

It is a very interesting concept for a story, there's no denying it. I've only had time to read the first two chapters, but your story does hold quite a bit of promise. I'll try my best to add more chapter-specific comments, and a full review when I can!

Your a very avid reviewer, and you know what you're talking about and come up with constructive criticism - we could do with ten more of you!
The introduction was preliminary because Emi and I came up with chapters before Nanowrimo actually started, so we just filled that in so a summary would exist - honestly I had forgotten about it until you reminded me. Thank you for that, it has been changed!

I can understand the 'boredom' aspect you're referring to in the opening chapter (my chapter, too) but I can add that this chapter (along with Chapter 2 and Sylvia) was deliberately lacking excitement in order to show the reader how mundane Dylan's life was inside New York - and that the only excitement he can find within the city was within the confines of a fantasy novel. (Sylvia's opening chapter showcases her life within Rongholdst before any event begins, following in the same vein of yearning for more excitement.) It's also funny that your comment about describing Dylan clashes with an earlier review which claimed I described him a bit too much - Can't please everyone huh? ^^'

But thank you for your review and thank you for taking the time to read this story!

I'm incredibly glad you enjoyed it! 

I wanted people to feel that precise same way for Percy! I actually spotted some mistakes using the same template you showed me from the previous chapter, an 'it's' instead of 'its', several long sentences that could be re-written, etc. 

Take all the time you need! I still need to read the rest of your story, by the way!

Just in general - I feel like the entire story is just a wall of text. I'm trying my best to read through it, but if you spaced them out - perhaps a new line every time someone speaks, it would look much more presentable, and more people would be attracted to the story? 

Just a suggestion, your story is good otherwise.

There's no problem there, feel free to be as slow or as quick with your reading as you please! 

I'm really glad you like my writing style, although you can clearly see that sometimes I have to reign it in a bit, you've seen the sentences that need to be rewritten ( I'm rather hopeless when it comes to editing myself, I've re-read my own work countless times and I still missed the mistakes you pointed out!)

I shall rectify the problems, and thank you for taking the time to help, I appreciate it!

This chapter is my personal favorite. 
We get some back-story  to when the main character becomes a guard for the first time (and references towards the world before - I'm interested to see if this was an event that occurred, like 'Armageddon' perhaps?)
But the encounter with the Ice Beast was the best part about it, action-packed, filled with danger, and there's a real sense of dread when Ben lies unconscious, the rest of the hunters seem unable to scratch it, even when a shot into the eye failed to stop it. It reminded me of the Brute classes in Halo.

There is, however, one thing that irks me (nothing at all major, by the way) just this line:

"The man in his forties with ginger hair who sports a curly beard shakes his head and looks at us sheepishly, "

That's far too much information in a single sentence, I think, and there's no need to provide all of that on the same line. You do it again with the description of Thomas, when it would be much more successful to spread their character descriptions over several lines, or several paragraphs. I did this before with characters, and got flagged down because of it by a few authors, but opinions are subjective, so feel free to take or ignore my advice!

By the way, I would also like to add that I didn't mean to point a finger towards you and proclaim "You, lady, are sexist!" I actually enjoy the society and the characters you built, and that there's a sense of hostility and sexism in the novel. Most people tend to shy away from that, but I'm glad you didn't!

Continuing your story now!

Very interesting indeed...

I'm immediately suspicious of Ben, if I'm perfectly honest. He was on both failed expeditions, and I'm pretty sure he knows much more about what happened, and why the elk had disappeared, than he is leading on. I'll just have to read on to find out. The relationship between Ben and Lilith was very well done, frosty and full of History, like they've known each other for a long time. 

I really cannot feel any real sympathy for Lilith, however, not after her continued hypocritical treatment for her father. Just because he is man does not mean he is all-knowing or has leadership potential, and I don't understand why she is allowed moments of weakness and he is not. Slightly sexist...but then again, so is the law that no woman is allowed leave the camp. I really don't understand that, but of course that is part of the attraction, and I'll read on to see if there are any answers for me. 

No spelling or grammar mistakes, and you keep to your tense flawlessly (I have a weakness for mixing tenses myself, so I appreciate that you have not fallen into that trap) 

I'm going to put up chapter-specific comments before I actually give a full-fledged review, if that's alright?

To start with, your opening act was very well-put together. Your main character is seen to be very strong, but is prone to weaknesses of her own, her mother's disappearance in particular. I found her assessment of her father as grossly unfair. She may be her daughter, but he fell in love with her, became her soulmate, moved through life together. It's really fascinating to see different opinions of this, but your main character is slightly selfish in both grieving for her mother, and looking at her father as 'weak' for doing the same thing. 

I like the sense of mystery you placed here in relation to the forest. It reminds me of 'The Maze Runner' as the camp is the nucleus of the story, with the unknown surrounding it. I'll keep reading to see what happens, but consider me intrigued...

I wouldn't worry about all of the mistakes. I'm making many more than you have, and everyone does it before the magic that is editing washes over everything and makes it better!

I have performed the surgical maneuvers, your chapter made it through perfectly fine! I really appreciate you taking the time to do this!

Of course we have very little mistakes, have you seen our collective individual work? We should be multi-million selling babes right now!

I shall edit my chapter when I have the new one completed. It's already 2000 words in and I have yet to write about the third encounter in Rongholdst, so It's probably going to be a long one - 4000 words is my estimation thus far. 

I've added someone into the story who is very minor, but will add a sense of mystery into the mix, you'll see soon enough (as well as our readers, you lucky things you!)

Honestly, where would I be without you? Your submitting chapters and editing them? You need a trophy, I'm genuinely serious!

I have made the changes you requested, they were completely honest and I actually respect how you were unbiased towards your own work as well! I'm going to start writing my chapter, and uploading yours in the meantime!

I'm very glad you liked it! It's still in early development, (it's actually a novel for Nanowrimo that my co-author and I released early because...well...we had the first two chapters finished, so why not! ) so it's fantastic that it didn't come across as 'rushed'.

Emi would be delighted to hear that you enjoyed her chapter (Apterch Otw) she's the creative yin to my much more formal yang ^^' You should check out her work if you have time! 

I'm next when it comes to putting up a chapter, so I'll upload it as soon as I can. thank you again or your helpful comments!

You clearly put a lot of work into this, it's obvious as soon as you glance at the first sentence, the way you introduce different tongues of languages, the sheer length of this chapter alone. It's interesting, intriguing,  a story that makes me want to read more. The conversations are natural and flowing, the surroundings are described perfectly. 

This is great!

I appreciate that you took my comments on board!

Now that the story is broken into paragraphs, it is so much easier to read, and you have no idea how psychologically important it is to get that right. Thank you.
Dealing with the opening chapter, it was good, and set up the premise of the story rather nicely!

I shall keep reading!

Another endearing chapter, and the first chapter where more than one character is seen (right?) 
I might actually take back the qualm I had before about your chapters feeling too short, because this felt just right to me. You started, and ended, the chapter on interesting notes, leaving a suitable cliff-hanger at the end so that the reader will wait eagerly for the next chapter. I got a good sense of both 'writing' and 'musical' aspects of both characters, and I can't wait to see what the next chapter will be like, if it'll continue with these two, or if you will focus on different protagonists. 
Well done!

The opening chapter was good. You clearly have a knack for writing adequately-long chapters, something I appreciate. Your individual characters are nicely-written, and even in the pilot chapter they have their own personalities which no doubt will grow as the story progresses. There were a few tiny grammatical errors. ('The water's current pulled him under. His hand fruitlessly reaching up towards the light juxtaposes to his body falling into the darkness of the lake.' doesn't make sense to me.) and I was left wondering what was it that created the tear in space to begin with. (something to do with the 'Witch Girlfriend' but what were the reasons? Context? It felt like I was reading the second or third chapter, but that's just my opinion, and that's completely subjective!) 

Your story's got potential, and I will read on before I give a proper review. 
7/10

I'm going to bookmark this for later, but on first impressions your writing style looks fantastic!

Oh wow...thank you so much for saying that! I'm glad you're enjoying it so far!

I'm just afraid of where the story is heading right now. I don't want it to come across as 'random' because many various events had happened so far in the story. I write on the spot without any thought beforehand and usually edit it once I'm finished, but thank you for reading it in the first place

Oh wow...thank you so much for saying that! I'm glad you're enjoying it so far!

I'm just afraid of where the story is heading right now. I don't want it to come across as 'random' because many various events had happened so far in the story. I write on the spot without any thought beforehand and usually edit it once I'm finished, but thank you for reading it in the first place!

Ummmm.....

Okay, maybe I'm being rude by opening this comment like that, and I apologize. However, I felt slightly...put off by this opening chapter...and it's hard to put my finger on it. Maybe it's the amount of swear words assaulting every second or third line. Obviously opinions are subjective, and I'm not saying you should stop putting them in as often as you had, but it just feels...off. I've noticed it in a number of your works, and maybe it's how you like your characters to talk and think, or maybe it's your writing style, but I feel that your work would benefit from leaving some of them out. (Again, just my opinion, I'm not precisely God of Literature over here, either.) 

Also, and I know this is only the pilot chapter, but why in God's name would someone, anyone, want to be with someone if they know their partner is going to cheat? Your main protagonist keeps thinking 'I would get married if he wouldn't cheat' (which is way too quick to say and precisely zero people think that so soon in a relationship.) or 'It's nice that he makes me food before he will cheat eventually' and I feel the guy is set up to be knocked down as soon as the chapter began. Maybe you could take us back to a time where he cheated, as an example? 

I'll keep reading, because while I have my reservations, the rest of this chapter was solid and interesting, your description was on-point and your writing style (without the swear words) was good.

Okay, there are some good points and some bad points, so let's start with the bad news so we can end on a high note. 

- Your story needs to be broken up into paragraphs. Your chapters are an enormous, unbroken wall of text and it can easily tire and bore the reader. You need to break them up so that your chapters will appear easier to read and follow.

- You need to start a new line whenever someone new is speaking, otherwise the dialog will appear confusing. Once or twice I had assumed one character was speaking when I re-read it and found that it was in fact a different character altogether. This is important and it'll contribute to making your chapters easier to read, easier to follow, easier to like! 

-I like the idea of parallel worlds, but you never mentioned how the characters made the transition to Earth. Is Hermica different to earth somehow? I never got a sense of how similar/different both worlds are from each other. 

- USING ALL CAPITALS WHEN SHOWING THAT A CHARACTER IS SHOUTING looks off compared to the rest of the chapter, and you would be surprised how many people could be put off by something like that. It looks much easier and better to use italics or bold to show anger or shock whenever your characters are speaking. 

Okay, now for the good points:

- I liked the idea of a 'master' and 'servant' in your story. It's such an unusual, sexist plot device similar to a contract made by a demon and a human in Black Butler or between a girl and an incubator in Puella Magi Madoka Magica.You should emphasize it more, show examples of boys leaving their servants go, and those who aggressively forced their servants to be bound forever. In other words, make the process darker. 

- Your idea of parallel words is a good premise for a story, similar to The Subtle Knife or The Amber Spyglass. as mentioned earlier, you need to give readers a taste of why Hermica is so different to Earth. You could include some words of a language native to Hermica, perhaps swear words or things only elderly people would say. (For example, if you put the first two letters of a word and put them at the back, the words will look completely different: 'Become' would turn into 'Comebe' and 'Dragon' would become 'Agondr' under this system. The point is that both worlds should have different cultures or something that sets them apart. you have such a great opportunity to make something great here!

- Everyone has powers in your story, and again this can be used to create various different characters. I can't wait to see what you come up with in your later chapters.

- The dark ones are a great addition to the story, I got the sense that they are responsible for the reasons normal people murder or commit suicide, and I found it suitably dark and satisfying. The fact that they were one step head in locating the 'earthling' was good, because they came across as dangerous foes who will  not wait around for the main characters to arrive. Good work. 

So to some up, your presentation in your chapters needs work. A lot of work, but the story itself is interesting and provides so many opportunities to turn it into a great read, you just need to think about it a little bit more. 

Hope I helped, PM if you found any part of my critique confusing.

Interesting...very interesting indeed. 
Your story, first of all, is good. This is just the pilot chapter, so there's not too much information to gleam from here, but you can already tell that Nick and Dan are seasoned veterans of going to that particular summer camp, and it's clear throughout the entire chapter as Nick helps some newcomers out with what to do and where to go.

It took me quite a while to deduce that 'Taylor' was actually a boy, because in your book description you made references to a boy who could be a girl, I had assumed she was going to be the main character. Of course, that's nothing big, but I would like to talk about the way your chapter was displayed here. Basically, it was an unbroken wall of text, and although I got through to the end of the chapter just fine, I had to will myself to keep reading what felt like a mountain. (Nothing to do with your writing, but presentation-wise, you need to add spaces between paragraphs to allow readers to mentally breathe.)

Also, in relation to the blog comments you had written inside your chapter, you should start a new line with every blog entry, preferably in bold to let readers know that it's not someone speaking but writing seen on a phone or computer. I know I must come across as a Nazi for saying that, but it will definitely look smarter and readers will take note of that. 

You should also start a new line whenever someone new is speaking, otherwise it may get confusing. When someone is thinking to themselves, use italics so people are aware of that, otherwise they may interpret that as someone speaking out loud, which again could be confusing. 

Other than that, however, your story holds promise, with plenty of opportunities for mystery and fun pretty clear by the end of the chapter. I'm looking forward to see if 'Strawberry' had in fact traveled to the same summer camp as Dan and Nick, so keep updating! - I'll add an actual review when there are enough chapters up!

 

Your grammar is a little bit confusing, and sometimes you jumble up your tenses, particularly mixing the present and past tense in one sentence. It's apparent throughout this chapter but other than it I like the premise of the story. 

Also chapters 8 & 9 are the exact same, and by chapter 10 Lauren and Andy had escaped whatever situation they were in. Is there any way you could recover the lost chapters?

Just thought I'd say this, but chapter 6 is identical to chapter 5, and by chapter 7 Lauren is alone, so we're missing an important part of the story. 

This was good, and yes, it was mysterious (Well Done) and pretty well-detailed. It bodes well for the next chapter, and I'll be looking forward to reading this. However, there are some things I would like to point out. 1. The entire chapter is grouped together, like a wall of text, and sometimes that puts readers off. You should start using paragraphs to prevent the entire chapter being bunched together, as well as starting a new line whenever someone speaks or thinks about something. 2. If you are adding author's notes, you should put it in bold in order to differentiate it from the rest of the chapter. Other than those 2 pointers, it looks good. Looking forward to read more!

Your latest chapter...defied all reasonable expectations. 

- You handled the fight incredibly well. I was fully aware of each parry, each strike and counter-strike, and both combatants managed to shine within their encounter. Kazuto is a despicable character, of course, but a story is only as good as its villains, and he makes quite a convincing, powerful villain indeed. Kiro has such an amazing depth of ability, and reading the final enactment of this incredible! I said I would review the amount of stars left in my first review based on how much this story improved, and the combination of your editing, as well as this chapter, more than warrants that extra star from me, a very well done!

Just a couple of things to point out from reading the opening chapter: It was a solid opener, and I was able to really picture the scene in my head. Sometimes people think that simply writing is enough ( I came across a few stories here, and they're terrible to read and lack information) but you wrote with sense and with a clear aim of how you wanted it to turn out. The opening paragraph was dripping in suspense, and it's such a shame that abusive relationships such as that exist, but you created he emotions of fear and anger very well. I felt that 'Bring Me To Life' may have been too obvious a song. Everyone knows that song. It would have been a little more impressive, and appropriate, if she chose  one from the 'Fallen' album that was never released? 'Hello' comes to mind, because it has completely appropriate lyrics. ( Hello, I am the lie, living for you so you can hide, don't cry) as well as a somber piano piece. Also, I suggest you put author's notes in bold, to differentiate it from the rest of the chapter. I thought that the first few lines were part of the story. ( Stupid, I know, but you can get that reaction from a surprising number of people, too! ) Finally, in reference to "Why aren't you spreading your wings? Fight back.", You should put this in italics, because this is what the character is thinking, and you need to separate 'thinking' from 'speaking', otherwise readers will become confused. Having said all of that, I think your story has potential based on what I've seen, ad will leave a review once I read more chapters =)

I'm really sorry to say this, but I had to stop reading after the third chapter. It's not your fault, but I'm pretty meticulous when it comes to grammar, spelling and the correct use of commas and full-stops. There were many, many errors throughout, lots of misspelt words and putting full stops where there was no need to. This immediately turns people off of your work, the equivalent of placing a gun towards your right foot. That needs to be taken care of if you hope to improve in the long run. On a positive note, your ambition to write (clearly evident from the sheer number of chapters you wrote) is admirable, and that drive will only allow you to get better. For now, however, you need to 1. Find a beta to look over your work BEFORE you publish, in order to minimize errors and mistakes. 2. Use a platform that will highlight when you spelt a word wrong. (I write on Sparkatale myself, and it always highlights a word I've misspelt.) 3. Look at other works, both on here and even in a bookstore, and pay close attention to how authors write their sentences (particularly what I mentioned earlier such as commas and full stops). I know I sound horrible for writing this, but these were issues I had when I first started, and I was told on what to do to become better and improve. I hope I helped in some small way!

This is just for the entire story in general, and not any chapter in particular, but the editing looks pretty good. Every chapter has improved immensely, easier on the eye to the reader, more description of the characters and environment, you've really made an attempt at improving this story. I would like to see more, so keep it up!

Very interesting first chapter, actually. 
The setting is refreshing to see when more and more writers are setting their work in the present day, or even into the future, so kudos for setting it in an earlier-era of London (I read the dailogue in a British accent, and when you're making readers engage with your story this way, then it's working!) It's a solid start, consider me a fan!

I have to say, your story reads as professional from the moment you read it to the second you put it down. A simple lab trip that escalates into unintentional infection is a great plot to go on, and I'm sure you've managed it quite well in the upcoming chapters, but I've only read the first pair so far. It was paced well, you gave all the characters personality traits, and you played on the emotions of suspicion and dread remarkably well. I'll be sure to keep reading this.

It's a nice idea for a story, and I enjoyed reading it, but it could do with some finesse:

- The chapters are a little short, you could have easily combined both chapters together. It just felt like things were about to get interesting, and then each chapter ends long before it should. Of course, this is just a matter of opinion, but that was just what I noticed. 

- Your chapters could benefit from more spacing, just to make it more appealing to the reader. Try starting  a new line whenever someone speaks. That was one suggestion someone gave me when I started writing, and it was great advice now when I look back at it. 

- The most important thing about fantasy novels is that you have to create the world and make it memorable. The truth of the matter is that I got no real sense of the environment, or the war that was raging. You could easily add a few hundred words ( and flesh out your chapters) by giving more description of the world your characters inhabit. 

These are only small matters though, your story was still interesting, the character dialog was nicely-paced and believable, and the second chapter was particularly good. Just keep at it!

This was a very interesting first chapter, and you did rather well in conveying varying emotions. Both characters were well-detailed and seem entirely believable, and you put a lot of thought into the family. Koby, and his dialog in particular, was great, and he didn't want a repeat of the tragedy that happened. 

I like the style you've chosen in general, it's hard to explain, but it's different (and just as good) to other novels I've write. It's refreshing to see.

Consider me a fan!