Sparkatale

I just glanced at this story from the homepage - it had so many views for a story which had not been commented on or 'favorited', so I decided to investigate. And was two-thirds impressed. To start with, I enjoy your writing style. Your opening to this chapter was one of the best I had seen for any novel, and you pile on the action thick and early - immediately in fact - so the reader is gripped from the beginning. You've clearly done a lot of research, both with the setting and with weaponry in general, and your characters already have personalities that can be developed and worked on throughout your work. Something I would hope to emulate one day. But. I found the constant repetition of the names of weapons incredibly tiring. In general, you can get away with announcing the type of weapon, and readers will understand that said character until he/she continues to use it until you write that they have changed it. Quite bluntly, and this opinion is subjective and easily debatable, it felt slightly like you payed more attention to said weaponry and ensuring that they sounded as realistic as possible rather than the story or plot itself. I felt it suffered a tiny tiny bit as a result. In terms of describing your characters, I honestly grow tired of writers describing their entire appearance in the first line, and I felt the same here. Not for every character you announced, admittedly - those that were dispatched are excused, because readers never see them again- but it would have been more effective to give readers small amounts of detail at a time - announce the color of their eyes in one paragraph, their clothing the next etc etc. You're not entirely guilty of this, but definitely some small but of work needed there. Finally, there was a typo I found within your story. ( Her head lolled. ) I assume you meant 'rolled' or some other substitute? I'm instantly assuming that it is the word 'lol' - popular with Internet speak- and if this is indeed an error I hope that it is not present within the kindle version of your novel. I'll try to read more of this - it's certainly better than some/all of my efforts and the plot and premise and writing style hold my interest, but there are tiny things you could work on. I'll give a review once I finish, your story has been viewed enough to warrant one at this point. I'm looking forward to seeing more.

I also apologize for the errors inside my previous comment.

I was typing on my phone, hopefully it still came across as coherent.

I'm no fan of sci - fi but I did look at this a little but I thought the Spongebob Squarents part was funny. So I had to laugh.