Sparkatale

Wow! 

I love your writing style. I could make out that you have an amazing smooth flow of words. 

I liked that the mother was considered a more significant figure than the father. 

The pov was written well, I could feel the turmoil of emotions in the girl's head. 

I'm not very good at describing things so, I found out that you do it really well. 

The setting was depicted very realistically, I Could picture it easily. 

I pity the father though. 

I just wanted to know the girl's name. 

I couldn't find any fault. This works perfectly well for me. 

I'm going to read this further got sure. I don't know why but I felt my head cooling down while reading it, maybe because of the setting. That was a plus point for me. 

Oh yeah, one thing. You write 'OK'  but I suggest you write the full word 'okay' because considering your style, the entire chapter was kind of formal. OK seemed really informal. 

The village surrounded by wilderness, creepy but intriguing. 

Going to read next chapter tomorrow... 

Hope my comment helped! :) 

I'm going to put up chapter-specific comments before I actually give a full-fledged review, if that's alright?

To start with, your opening act was very well-put together. Your main character is seen to be very strong, but is prone to weaknesses of her own, her mother's disappearance in particular. I found her assessment of her father as grossly unfair. She may be her daughter, but he fell in love with her, became her soulmate, moved through life together. It's really fascinating to see different opinions of this, but your main character is slightly selfish in both grieving for her mother, and looking at her father as 'weak' for doing the same thing. 

I like the sense of mystery you placed here in relation to the forest. It reminds me of 'The Maze Runner' as the camp is the nucleus of the story, with the unknown surrounding it. I'll keep reading to see what happens, but consider me intrigued...

Very interesting indeed...

I'm immediately suspicious of Ben, if I'm perfectly honest. He was on both failed expeditions, and I'm pretty sure he knows much more about what happened, and why the elk had disappeared, than he is leading on. I'll just have to read on to find out. The relationship between Ben and Lilith was very well done, frosty and full of History, like they've known each other for a long time. 

I really cannot feel any real sympathy for Lilith, however, not after her continued hypocritical treatment for her father. Just because he is man does not mean he is all-knowing or has leadership potential, and I don't understand why she is allowed moments of weakness and he is not. Slightly sexist...but then again, so is the law that no woman is allowed leave the camp. I really don't understand that, but of course that is part of the attraction, and I'll read on to see if there are any answers for me. 

No spelling or grammar mistakes, and you keep to your tense flawlessly (I have a weakness for mixing tenses myself, so I appreciate that you have not fallen into that trap) 

By the way, I would also like to add that I didn't mean to point a finger towards you and proclaim "You, lady, are sexist!" I actually enjoy the society and the characters you built, and that there's a sense of hostility and sexism in the novel. Most people tend to shy away from that, but I'm glad you didn't!

Continuing your story now!

This chapter is my personal favorite. 
We get some back-story  to when the main character becomes a guard for the first time (and references towards the world before - I'm interested to see if this was an event that occurred, like 'Armageddon' perhaps?)
But the encounter with the Ice Beast was the best part about it, action-packed, filled with danger, and there's a real sense of dread when Ben lies unconscious, the rest of the hunters seem unable to scratch it, even when a shot into the eye failed to stop it. It reminded me of the Brute classes in Halo.

There is, however, one thing that irks me (nothing at all major, by the way) just this line:

"The man in his forties with ginger hair who sports a curly beard shakes his head and looks at us sheepishly, "

That's far too much information in a single sentence, I think, and there's no need to provide all of that on the same line. You do it again with the description of Thomas, when it would be much more successful to spread their character descriptions over several lines, or several paragraphs. I did this before with characters, and got flagged down because of it by a few authors, but opinions are subjective, so feel free to take or ignore my advice!

I loved this chapter! Lots of great moments between Lilith and Ben :D 

Poor Nathaniel though.. and you left it on such a cliffhanger! I'll be here waiting for the next chapter. 

I love it! A wonderful beginning! I am defiantly reading the rest of the chapters you have. It is a very intriguing story! 

Wow! I'm truly impressed with this piece of amazing-ness.

Your writing style is beautiful and flows wonderfully. The descriptions are spot-on and perfect, and the emotion is raw and, again, perfect. I could really feel everything swarming around your main character, anger and despair and everything else alike.

The only grammar semi-error I would comment on is that I believe there may have been a couple of present-past-tense switches. Maybe I was just tired, though. Your writing was pretty darn perfect.

The plot was super interesting and intriguing, and I dearly wish I could have more to say, but alas, this was too good for that. ;)

Keep writing, and I'll definitely come back for more! Great, great job!

~Raine

Already, you've given good descriptions. Lilith certainly seems like a broken character, with the loss of her sister or was it closest friend? Either way, you've managed to pack in a lot of emotion in just one chapter. Even I could tell there was tension between Lilith and her father, who seems like a confused guy.

Good work. Keep writing.

Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it, and I'm glad that you liked the descriptions. Oh yeah and it's her mother that went missing. :)

Incredible start. I usually find the beginning of a story the hardest to read through. They tend to be slow paced, and try to shove every bit of detail they can muster down your throat. Yours was surprisingly well-paced.

I like the basis of the story, you've set it up in a way where I have a slight idea as to what Lilith will do. At the same time, I'm not sure what's going to happen if she does try to do what I think she's going to end up doing. 

This is a trivial point I'd like to make but- I really like the last name Bane. It sounds really powerful, like someone you don't really want to cross. 

I feel sorry for Lilith's father. It's kind of unfair at how she lashes out at him, as he is going through his own grieving process as well. That said, I can also very much sympathize with how Lilith herself is grieving. She seems the type to resort to anger when she doesn't have any other outlet of emotion. Especially when the story is told through her POV.

You have a great way with manipulating your words to make it flow fairly smoothly. That said, there are a few things I'd like to point out that kind of seemed to disrupt the flow.

1)"Tonight the announcement will be made officially." This came off a bit awkward to me, I'd like to make a suggestion by simply rewording it to something like -"Tonight the announcement will officially be made."  or "Tonight the announcement will be made official."

2) "I stop at a clearing where I have a clear view of the sky and instinctively look up." The combo use of the words clearing/clear kind of make the sentence seem a bit repetitive. 

3) "The moment had reached its point where, if left to continue, it would become emotional, and neither he nor I wished for that." This sentence is fine, it just seems a bit drawn out to me.

It's obviously just my opinion, so you don't have to change it ^-^, but I hope it helps enhance your already great story.

I love this chapter *-* You're writing seems to flow so much smoother here. 

I'm trying to deduce whether or not the dream Lilith had was a sign or not. I know there's nothing supernatural here but I feel like I should be reading more into it. All the hunters that went missing were laying still around them, and her mother who had also gone missing, was alive and standing in front of her. I'm wondering if this is a sign or not? That Kaya actually is alive somewhere out in the forest. I love the mystery. I'm also going to say that the dream sequence gave me goose bumps. So well done there!

I loved how you introduced Ben. He seems like a straight-forward, no none-sense kind of guy. Something Lilith seems to exactly need. His confidence seems to be much more than Lilith's anger, I hope somehow he can break through that. I feel like he might be the only one who can. Am I getting romantic vibes here? *-* I wouldn't mind. I think they'd suit each other. 

I felt bad for Lilith's father. Lilith seemed really harsh then, but I know it's just the grief talking ._. I just felt really sad thinking that maybe a lot of the emotional baggage felt could be smoothed over if they just talked properly to each other. But I feel like that won't happen. At least not for a while. Sigh.

I loved this chapter, and I'll be sure to keep reading when I find more time ^-^ Good job, Tigress!

For some reason this chapter invoked more emotion in me than the previous ones. I got really mad on Lilith's behalf when she wakes up to a gathering she hadn't been woken up for. I get that they're afraid of her cause she so stubborn and hot-headed, but to exclude her like that really doesn't help much of anything. Unless they forgot to wake her up (which I doubt) I just feel bad for Lilith as she seems to become more isolated as time passes. 

I like Ben, he's carries himself like a true Hunter. He has a strong presence, and seems to be as stubborn as Lilith. I'm glad someone's taking initiative. The leader, Adam just seems to be receding into himself. He's timid and hesitant, and seems really lost on how to continue life without Kaya. I'm kind of seeing just how much of a crutch she actually was for him. Lilith doesn't seem as harsh as I thought she was. Her father is the leader, but he's not really stepping up to the plate and doing much of anything ._. I feel bad for the guy, but come on. Get a hold of yourself, your people need you. Your daughter needs you. I'm really feeling bad for Lilith..  I hope she can find some sort of companionship with someone. Preferably Ben. I like Ben. If she doesn't want Ben then I'll take Ben ^-^

Loving this story so far! 

I really like the character development you have going here. Lilith really opens up, and I think that's a great leap forward for her- considering how emotionally shut-down she was when we were first introduced to her. Ben as well seems to be changing slightly, he doesn't seem so stern as before. And we can somewhat see why he was so hostile to her before. 

And the romance! Can I just take a moment here to swoon, please? *Swoons

They seem to fit so perfectly together. While reading it I became flustered because of how intimate you made the scene. Not because it was sensual or scandalizing in any way- but because it seemed to be so tender, a moment made for only them. I felt like I was intruding on a private moment and had to turn my head away in the bashfulness I was feeling. 

And then we got hit with a cliffhanger! Darn it! Or should I say Ben did? Anyways, I loved this chapter! Job well done! :)

As always, I'm so glad you liked it. :) I really hope I continue to amuse you and everyone else as I continue writing.

I won't be releasing a new chapter until the others are edited for mistakes... but I want everyone to know that the story WILL be continuing. Take this as an intermission... before the REAL fun begins... >:)

[REC] Review #1: 1/2

Sorry for the delay. Here we go!

Opening: It’s a good one. The entire paragraph is what I’d consider the whole opening though. It’s rounded and leaves the reader curious about the fur-lined tent and the person who lives in it.

Writing: Your writing flow is good. I found a few awkward sentences, but for the most part it was fluid. I’ll admit that it is a little hard reading the present tense first person point of view for me though. I did want more physical description in response to emotion. When you have your character ‘storming through the woods’ there’s no sense of her emotions. So instead of just telling the reader the character is storming, try adding something like sweaty palms, thumping heart, gritting teeth. It will add to the mood.
 

Thank you. :) Ah yes I've been working hard at eliminating the awkward phrases. It seems there's always one or two left that I can't find... ugh. Pesky things.

Maybe I could expand a little bit on the feelings, but since the first chapter is already so angsty, I feel like it would be overkill to try to get super into it, especially since the overall tone of the story is going to be dark. I don't want to drown the readers in Lilith's sob story because she's already un-likable enough in the beginning. :D

Ah, I'm sorry it's hard for you to get into first person, present tense. For me it's actually the easiest way to write, and the most fun to read. But I suppose that's why we all have our own style. :)

I'm glad you found the opening to be attention grabbing. I reworded that paragraph several times since its original draft to get it to work that way. Thanks again!

[REC] Review #1: 2/2

Characters: Ben and Lily seem like fairly solid characters. I do suggest, seeing as Lily is the main character, giving her a little more quirks that will help with her character development. As of chapter two I do still have a feel for your characters so the characterization is there (obviously). Adding quirks to the characters would just be beneficial. I also think working on the emotional description would help as well.

Ending: It didn’t necessarily make my finger itch to go to the next chapter, but not every chapter can be a cliff hanger. It was well written and worked with what you’d already done. Just be sure to have a few cliff hangers though. It’s that excitement that’s needed to get readers to go to the next chapter.

Oh believe me... Lilith and Ben both have their quirks... but those are revealed as the story progresses. At this point in the story, Lilith is going through depression, so her feelings are actually exactly as described. She feels numb and hollow, so if you feel like there aren't enough emotions here... it's actually supposed to be that way. I promise you though that it doesn't stay that way in future chapters.

Could this apparent lack of emotion and character-depth deter some readers? Perhaps, but all I can say is she's meant to be this way, and she becomes much more likable later.

It's ironic that you mention the lack of cliffhangers because these first two chapters are really the only two that don't have a tiny hook or twist at the end. You are right about keeping the interest alive though- I do want people to keep reading. I may tweak this in the future.

I'm sorry for the lateness of my review/comment. I was overwhelmed by the number of chapters that I needed a loooong time to think everything through. I think I'm going to leave a comment every chapter before deciding what to say in my actual review.

Answering your questions:

1. No. Definitely not. It was very well-written and very precise.
2. No. The wording was not boring at all.
3. Naaaaahhh. You're good.
4. Well, there were a few but I'm pretty sure they will be explained in the following chapters.
5. It kidnapped me and kept me prisoner and I ain't even mad, man. It was great and I'm hungry for more.

I honestly believe that there is nothing you need to improve for this chapter. It was great. Just... great. As always, whenever I read a good story, I don't have a lot of words for it. Until next time. :)

Oh I wasn't expecting you to read everything all at once. :D Take your time with it and read what you feel like reading. I want an opinion on the story, but if you don't feel hooked also let me know. The last thing I want is for someone to be forced to read through everything.

Woo~ This chapter really got my heart pounding. *-* You're amazing at really tapping into the emotional side of your characters as well as making the reader sympathize with them. *-* I salute your ability.

I absolutely adore Lilith Bane. Her name is cool, she's cool. I'm glad to see her not letting Ben "put her in her place". Her place is wherever she decides. I was practically burning a whole in my couch while reading him go on about how women shouldn't fight -.- And then Lilith put him in his place. I would high five my girl if she were real *-* But then her anger kind of went beyond what I felt. It took a turn and she just kind of delve into insanity for a bit.. a burning, raging, murderous insanity. Someone should take away her weapons. But then the mood lightened, which I'm very thankful for. I laughed when she thought he called her fatso. ^-^

Good chapter! I found nothing really to tell you it was otherwise. *-* So good~ 

Thank you! I'm really glad you love Lilith as much as I do and that you continue to be interested in the story. I'm warning you that this story is dark so whatever comedic relief you encounter will be rare- enjoy it while you can... because this has only just begun, and there won't be room for laughs later >:)

Mwuahahahahahaha.

That said, thank you for your reviews. :) I appreciate them, and it helps me see that I'm heading in a good direction.

Wow. I can't imagine my mother disappearing like that!

VERY interesting start! You could really feel all the emotions she was going through.

Sorry I'm not very good at writing comments/critiques :)

Hey, this book is really good! It's actually, honestly, one of the best ones on here. I love the flow of your writing and the depth of the main character. Most people really suck at first person--this book is truly impressive. 

Aw thank you so much. :) While it's not without its flaws, I did work very hard on it so I'm glad that you've enjoyed it. It gives me the inspiration to continue writing!

This is perhaps amongst the more finely written stories I've come across on this site. Very detailed, and filled with lots of emotion. You've really placed the readers in Lilith's shoes, I felt like all her emotions were conveyed beautifully. It was so strongly written, and detailed. There isn't much advice I can offer to such a finely written piece. Lovely job!

This is a very intriguing opening. I'm genuinely looking forward to reading this!

This story is literally amazing. I am genuinely waiting for the next update! PLEAAAASE! So many of the great stories have cut off like, last year! It drives me nuts! Please don't discontinue this.