Sparkatale

Sorry for taking a while to get to this :/ My ability to motivate myself to do anything has faded dramatically in recent times, I’m afraid. Anyway. I’m very morbidly curious about how Adam found out about Malcolm after this chapter. I mean, I suppose it could be through the dating site he showed Percy at the end, although I think it’s something he did after he found out to get ammo to humiliate him with if necessary. Still, I suppose it is possible if Adam is gay/bisexual himself and that’s why he was using the website, and his internalised hatred is leading him to take it out on Malcolm/Percy. But then, if that was the case I don’t know if he’d show Percy the dating site, so… It’s possible, but unlikely I think at this point, at least without further information. Gosh, I didn’t mean to go on such a tangent :P I’m sorry for making you put up with my rambling xD

Anyway, I don’t mean to sound like a broken record, but once again I want to emphasise how impressed I am with the way you portray Percy’s anxiety. There’s such a realistic beat to it that I really don’t think I’ve ever seen before. I love (and I know that seems like a really odd phrase to use here given poor Percy is suffering because of it, but it’s true) how you show him worrying about things the way everyone does to some extent, but there’s that irrational edge to it which pushes it into anxiety-disorder territory, and the way things escalate into panic attacks for him has a very realistic flow too. It’s something so many people suffer from to varying degrees (including myself), but it’s very rarely portrayed in fiction, so I find it very refreshingly relatable. It’s just something I don’t really think I’ve seen done so well before. Maybe I’m just reading the wrong sort of books :P Still, regardless I really admire your portrayal of his anxiety and your boldness, in the sense you don’t shy away from it at all. It’s very refreshing, like I said. Sorry if this paragraph seems like a rambling mess, by the way. I’m not very good at expressing myself about things like this. 

That was a lovely comment I genuinely appreciate it! 

Adam - He's actually the character I have the least confidence in. While I feel all my characters are getting at least some sort of character development, Adam has none; he's still the same character he was when he was introduced. He will get his own sort of development, but I'm not sure what capacity he's going to be in once I hit second or third drafts... but at least it's nice that he's making people think. 

But seriously, thanks again!

Chapters 8-9

Wow, these 2 chapters sure were action-packed – they’re probably my favourite of the story so far :) I think you’ve built up the confrontation and fall-out with Adam releasing his info on Malcolm very well, particularly since it climaxed with the storm you’ve been hinting towards for the whole story. The way the chapter ends, with poor Malcolm outed to everyone and seemingly disowned by his parents, already had me on the edge of my seat but that extra detail about the storm just made everything even more tense and exciting.

This might seem a little random, but I like that your teenage characters actually seem like, well, teenagers :P I don’t know why exactly, but lately I’ve been thinking about how so many teen dramas (books, tv series, and movies – it’s across the board) that star high school students have them feel/act a lot more like young adults. They’re just far too sophisticated for teenagers :P But when I read your series I really feel like your characters are actually teenagers, dealing with high school issues on top of everything else. For example, the way Hannah reacted to Percy’s panic attack – she was acting pretty mature and cool before, but once that happens she runs away and freaks and it seemed like a very real reaction to me, especially for such a youngin’ :P And she then seeks the comfort of an adult who actually is mature enough to know what to say, rather than being a useless lump like most adults in teen dramas xD Anyway, overall like I said I think you write very interesting characters who feel very familiar and real.

I also really like the atmosphere you’ve set up in this story, which is something I forgot to mention before but has been true of all the chapters so far. The setting feels very real and I can imagine what it’s like very clearly, even though I’ve never been there. It’s more than just the setting, too – the way this story is written and makes me feel reminds me of those older romantic comedy/drama movies – particularly since a large number are also set in New York :P

And finally, I’m sorry for taking so long to get to these chapters :/ I read each one pretty soon after you posted it, but I’m a bit of a mess at the moment so I had trouble finding the time/motivation to comment until now. I’ll try to be faster next time.

Thank you again for your lovely comments, I really do appreciate them!

I have an idea of how this story is going to be wrapped up; we're going to focus on Percy ignoring evacuation protocols while searching for Malcolm and the fallout from that, and I'm writing Hannah's chapter with the fallout from punching Adam. It's going to borrow from elements from the last novel but with a few more twists. I'm also trying to make the hurricane sound believeable so I'm going through all the storm and weather reports in the states over the last twelve months (Lord knows there's been enough of them) and Adam is still bothering me. He's going to be much more fleshed-out in the editing process xD

But still, thanks very much again! I have to get back into your novel because I noticed you updated it!

Wow, you really racked up the tension in this chapter :P I thought it was really cool (although it feels weird to say this, given the imminent danger the characters are in, searching for Malcolm while the storm rages on :P) the way you kept stacking it up, with Hannah’s suspension and fallout with her dad and Jess, all while the hurricane is building in the background. You certainly did a great job at that so well done :) I’m very curious and nervous to see what happens, and if they’ll manage to find Malcolm.

That said, though, I did have a couple of minor gripes I thought I would mention. Firstly, some of the drama at the beginning of the chapter confused me a little as I would have thought most schools, regardless of whether they’re in the US or the UK, would have a pretty strict policy regarding physical violence. I wouldn’t think a country’s gun control policies/lack of policies would factor into it so I thought that was a very odd point for the principal to make. I mean, I’ve never been to the UK (although oddly enough, I am technically a citizen :P) but my country also has strict gun control and kids would most certainly be suspended if they punched someone, unless the school was super super dodgy :P

I also thought Jess’s reaction to the whole thing was a little odd. I mean, sure she’d be mad, but it seemed a bit extreme for her to insist Hannah can’t come back to the house and that she should leave the country. It seemed like a little too big a jump for her character to make, considering how understanding and nice she’d been before. Particularly since it’s only been a week in the story. But maybe I’m just misunderstanding things (it’s happened before :P) so take that with a grain of salt xD Anyway, like I said overall I really enjoyed this chapter, and I’ll be waiting anxiously to see if they manage to find Malcolm in time. 

I'm actually amazed you're still sticking with this story ^^' Thank you so much! I'm going to be honest; this was a low point in writing this story. I'm actually not happy with the flow of this one at all - and I completely agree about Jessica - and that's the reason I haven't updated since. Work has been heptic - Christmas, after all - so that chapter was actually written over the course of a week. I'm probably going to take it down and re-work it, but I appreciate your honest feedback. Let me know when your story updates! (If it already has, I'm so sorry! Work ^^')

Sorry for being so late with this :/ Anyway, this was another great chapter. I liked the tension and franticness of the story as the hurricane hits and they’re searching for Malcolm. I can’t say I’ve ever been in a hurricane (or cyclones, as we call them here) so I’m not the best judge, but it seemed realistic to me :P I’m very glad they found Malcolm in the end though, and he seems to be okay (physically, at least) for now.

I also really liked the way you portrayed the characters relationships ad their reactions to the dire situation they find themselves in. I usually hate love triangles with a passion (I’ve been scarred by them before :P) but I actually really like the one you’ve built here. I loved how Hannah is starting to realise she’s the third wheel (although I feel a bit sorry for her. I always do) and seems pretty at peace with it, even encouraging Percy to tell Malcolm the truth. I’m not sure about Malcolm himself, though – regardless of whether he returns Percy’s feelings, he doesn’t seem in the right frame of mind for a relationship right now so I’m not sure how he’ll react if Percy does tell him. Anyway, overall this was a thoroughly enjoyable and tense chapter and I’m anxious to see what happens next as they are cast back out into the storm.

I don’t have much else to say, so here are some nitpicks:

 “that he would disspear and end up as a missing person”

“Like the other ninty nine times”

“shoveled some pasta and mince into a seperate pan”

“The wind howeled through invisible creaks in the wall and windows”

‘“He won’t.” she assured me’ this line is making it sound like Hannah thinks Malcolm won’t feel the same way, when I feel you were intending the opposite. Otherwise, it seems a bit mean of her to say that right after telling Percy she knows he likes him xD

Don't worry, you're not late at all!

For Chapter 11 and 12, I wrote them inbetween calls during work, so I'm not actually 100% happy with them right now because my attention was always being taken towards...y'know...my job! (Am I ever 100% happy, though? xD)
 
I really appreciate your nitpicking because I. Would. Never. Have. Found. Them xD

I'm almost finished 13 and will try and write 14 as well, which will hopefully bring the story to an end and I can focus on the fantasy novel I've been plotting ^^ I appreciate you reading this, looking forward to your next chapter!

This was another great chapter. You’ve obviously done lots of research about the effects of hurricanes and hurricane relief services, so I found it interesting and engaging to read. I liked the further build up of Percy and Malcolm’s relationship, cultimating in their kiss there at the end. I was like “D’awwwwwwww” :P Its sweet that after all of Percy’s anxiety, it seems that Malcolm really does like him too. I’m really curious but nervous to see what happens now his parents have arrived. I assume someone notified them so it seems they care enough about Malcolm to show up when he’s injured. I hope that they will be able to look past their prejudices, however begrudgingly. Still, I’m not all that optimistic since they just kicked him out of the house a few hours ago. But I’ll wait and see!

Here are my usual nitpicks:

“Shiloette of a man”

“We couldn’t afford to be seperated now”

“because that would have left sharpnel”

“everyone seemed to droan on about”

“you’re even clumpsier”

“examined by what seemed to be a Doctor” I thought it was a little odd the way doctor was capitalised throughout the chapter – unless it’s referring to someone’s direct title (e.g. Doctor Smith) I don’t think it needs to be.

“Percy screamed louder than anyone I ever heard…” in the paragraph starting with this sentence, I was confused if you were talking about Malcolm or Percy. When I first read it I thought Percy was the one who’d injured his face, which confused me since Malcolm had been hit. Then I realised it was probably meant to mean Malcolm – it might be best to use his name a bit more rather than just “he”, “his” etc.

“He was shaking, maybe as a sign of pneumonia” – I know Hannah probably doesn’t have medical knowledge, but I think it would be more accurate for to think he’s shaking from the cold, or hypothermia. Pneumonia refers specifically to infection/inflammation of the lungs. Malcolm would certainly be in danger of this, given he’s hypothermic and probably immunocompromised, but unless he was showing respiratory symptoms it seems a stretch to assume pneumonia at this point.

Sorry for taking ages to comment on something of yours. A good thing to know about me is that I’m really awful at doing things promptly. I will eventually do it, it may just be awhile :P Anyway, I could swear I commented on this once ages ago, but apparently not because I don’t see it so who knows? Firstly, I want to congratulate you on not only writing in first person but also doing a fantastic job at it. I’ve attempted with varying degrees of success, but this is remarkably well done.

I think you did a great job bringing Percy to life. His anxiety comes through so clearly, yet done in a way that doesn’t beat the reader over the head with it either. I’m going to be taking lessons from you here because it really is excellently done. On top of that, there’s something about the way you write, something I’ll admit that I can’t quite put my finger on, but I love it. I felt drawn into Percy’s life and his struggle immediately. I was hooked from the start, and if you can do that with me you’ve got me for the long haul. Well done :)

Anyway, I’ll definitely be reading more of this. It’s a great start to a story and I’m really looking forward to see what happens next. It seems like it’ll be quite interesting. Oh, also; as a native New Yorker, I loved Percy’s description of walking through the city. That’s as spot on as you could possibly imagine. Beautiful one day and a stinking mess the next. There never seems to be a middle ground unfortunately :/

Thanks so much for your comment!

You actually did comment on this before - Afraid was originally written in 2013, I deleted the story from Sparkatale a few years back  - ^^

I'm really glad you enjoyed it, I'm editing some key components into the story right now - trying to have therapy sessions for Percy sprinkled throughout the story, as well as more backstory for Malcolm, Aisling, Jeremy and Adam, but I'm happy you liked the start of this!

I also saw Borderlands as the most recent updated story ( I thought there was a new chapter) xD

Lol, well good! At least I know I'm not completely out of my chicken chasing mind :P That's good, I was starting to get worried because I even remembered some of the comment. I knew you'd said you were rewriting this, but I hadn't realized you had taken it down completely. But cool, I'm on the same page now. 

And sorry about misleading you there xD I was fiddling around with Borderworlds's album and whenever I do it bumps it like I've added something new. I've got a friend that's building models of Borderworld's three lead ships in a game called Space Engineers and I add the screenshots he sends at whatever pace he gets them to me, so that may happen from time to time.

Hey! Sorry again for not commenting on this for so long. Anyway, I briefly skimmed through the rest of the book and found I remember what was happening pretty well, so here goes :P First off, I really loved the way you dealt with Hannah’s feelings in this chapter, although it made me sad :P There’s so much gentle regret and sweetness in her wishing she had been bolder and more open with Percy about her feelings, but at the same time stepping back and wanting him to be happy with Malcolm because she knows he truly loves him. It melted my ice-cold heart, at any rate :P

I’ve never experienced anything like the hurricane Hannah and Co. are going through, but it seemed very realistic and downright scary to me. I really felt I was right there with them. I also thought you did a really good job of balancing the other conflicts in this chapter (Malcolm’s parents, Adam and his news about his mum) while at the same time the threatening back drop of the hurricane raged on. The tenseness when you were describing them escaping to the new building was really impactful too. I don’t have much to critique about your chapter, but I did notice a couple of typos and things so I will list them:

I can’t remember exactly where but I do remember Hannah referring to the cyclone as a hurricane at one point. It seemed an odd mistake to make for her character, but I wasn’t quite sure because I know in some parts of the world they are called cyclones (like here in Australia, for example) so I thought at first it might be because she’s English. But I thought it was also called a hurricane in England as well as America, so it seemed odd, although I might be wrong. Sorry for that not at all long-winded and confusing explanation :P

“Leafs slapped be in the face, stinging my eye” *leaves

You're absolutely fine! It's the same thing from my side; work and generally being an adult kept me busy! Thank you so much for reading the chapter, I'm glad it came across the way I hoped it would! I'm currently editing my work at the moment so those critiques will be followed-up in due course!

Thanks again!

Well, this was certainly an emotional ride :’( I think the scene where Malcolm and Percy confronted Malcolm’s parents was really well done and moving. I liked how you didn’t make them come around and beg for forgiveness, it would have seemed ingenuine and unrealistic. I like instead that Malcolm vowed to emancipate himself and fight them, it seems like the most positive outcome possible for him so I hope it works out. And the reveal at the end with Jess presumably missing/dead was really devastating also. I’m eager to read on into the last chapter and see how you wrap things up.

At the beginning of this chapter, Percy talks about needing to speak with his own parents about them never being there for him etc. I think it would be really good if you could work that into the narrative, because it would really bring his storyline to a good conclusion as well as get some more emotion and insight into his character. Like I said, I really liked the scene where he and Malcolm confronted Malcolm’s parents, and I think it would be really interesting and emotional to also show his confrontation with his own parents at some point. At the moment that storyline seems kind of unfinished and since this is Percy’s last POV I presume we don’t get it in the next one (forgive me if I’m wrong :P).

Here are some nitpicks:

“They flew out on the promise he wouldn’t have to deal with Deandra” – I think this should be I rather than he? Not sure though

“I relyed on my two friends” *relied

“eventually we heard famiiar voices” *familiar

“And I noticed her natural hair color through the dye” it seemed strange to me that he said ‘natural hair colour’ rather than the actual colour itself

“Those symptons of a panic attack” *symptoms

“He leaned in to kiss me than” *then

“I, am not, your son!” I felt the way you placed commas in this sentence made it lose some of its impact. I think it would sound better without them.

 

Hello! Once again thanks so much for commenting on this! 

I actually never really thought about expanding on what Percy does with his parents, but since you pointed it out it makes perfect sense for that sort of confrontation to be included. His parents are always away on business, which indirectly was a factor in Percy's anxiety as they were never around for him. I'll be sure to add it when I come around to edit! 

I'm going to be starting your trilogy of novels properly this time, by the way! ^^

No worries! I should hopefully have time to read and comment on the next chapter tomorrow night, sorry for taking a while. And thank you for reading my stories too. Gifted in particular (the first one) is... rather dodgy, and in dire need of a rewrite :P but I hope its enjoyable anyway haha.

Snyway

Awwww :) Despite all the sadness going around, I felt like this was a really sweet ending haha. The final scene at the airport was probably my favourite. You can really feel how Hannah’s experience in the US changed her and how even now she is home, she’ll be changed forever. I liked the kind of ambiguous ending with Henry, too. Although it was a good ending and I think it wrapped up the story well, I feel like there are a lot of intriguing story threads that if you ever felt you wanted to write a sequel you could. I’d be interested in reading one, anyway :P

 “Look, I get it. You feel horrible. She was lovely. She really was.” Kind of callous, Hannah :P I guess overall, I felt that Hannah seemed a bit indifferent about Jess’s death. I think it’s something you could get a lot more substance and emotion out of, especially since this is the last chapter. I suppose her death felt a little rushed over.

Also (and this is really picky) but I found it odd to include Jess among the list of 2000 dead if they never found her body. Technically, she would be in a list of missing (presumed dead) people. Sorry, that’s really nitpicky xD Also, would Hannah’s dad really only have one picture of Jess? Surely he’d have some on his phone, even if they weren’t in print. If he lost his phone in the hurricane and that’s why maybe it would be good to point this out.

Anyway, like I said before, overall I really liked the ending and the story in general. I liked the way Percy and Hannah have clear growth throughout the story and your descriptions of the hurricane were very visceral and terrifying at times. Overall, great job, and I look forward to reading In Love With Air!