Sparkatale

Overall this is a very good story. The characters are all distinct from each other and well rounded. You wrote their romance very convincingly, even though things moved so quickly it worked really well for the story. I had an idea of what would happen, but even so the turn of events was heartbreaking. The latest chapter (chapter 7, at the moment :P) was really well done too. I feel so sorry for Erin (and Tyler, of course) – I’m eager to read on and see what happens. The ending was very intriguing, to say the least… One thing I thought you could do to improve the story was to describe a bit more of the crash. It doesn’t quite seem shocking enough written the way it was. Adding a bit more detail - Erin seeing the truck about to hit them, or not seeing it and feeling the truck slam into them suddenly, the noise it made… Details like that would make the scene a lot more impactful, especially when it’s such an important event. I also felt (and this may just be me) that occasionally the dialogue seems a little… Unnatural? Most of it’s good and believable, but there were a few occasions where I felt Tyler and Erin said things to each other that just didn’t seem like something people would say. But then, maybe it’s just me, because admittedly Australians have a rather crass way of talking xD But overall, this story is really good and definitely worth reading. If I could I’d rate it 4.5 stars. Sorry if this review isn’t very helpful – I’ve never written one before so I’m not really sure what to write about xD If you have any questions, just PM me and I’ll be happy to answer them.

Sorry for taking such a long time to get to this. For some reason, I had it in my head that I’d already commented on this chapter, but obviously I was wrong :/ Anyway, I thought this was a great chapter. Ariana and Kayla are here breaking my heart again :P Ariana’s regret and guilt over not telling Snow felt very real and devastating :/ I agree with Kayla that they had no way of knowing she’d later get caught up in all this magical stuff, and that they were doing pretty much all that they could at the time. I was surprised to see Fate present herself to them – I thought she’d keep herself hidden a while longer. I’m excited to see what role they play in the story going forward now they’re all caught up :P Their conversation about Ariana and her illness had me curious, too. I’m not sure where you’re going with her illness which adds another layer of uncertainty to everything (which is good in my opinion xD). At times I feel certain that they’ll find some way to save Ariana in the end. But then after all the emphasis on magic not being able to cure illness etc at other times it feels like she will in fact end up dying in the end so I can’t make up my mind. I hope it’s the former but I really don’t have any idea where it’s going to go at this point.

Oooh, so that’s who that girl was towards the end of Snowfall :P Safe to say, I never guessed that Fate was behind it all along and posing as Snow’s daughter from the future xD But it makes a lot of sense. Anyway, overall I really enjoyed this part of the chapter and I feel it gave us an even clearer depiction of Fate and what drove her to finally break away from Destiny’s plan. It seems clear that in the original grand design, Sebastian’s plans must be achieved and humanity ends - since Snow died, and she seems to be crucial to stopping him. And although saving Snow doesn’t guarantee humanity will survive, Fate’s giving them the best chance they have by helping her survive.

It was cool to get a little bit more info on the Witch’s Council and politics going on there. The way Alison described the Grand Enchanter had be wondering if there is a reason behind his change In behaviour. My first thought was that maybe he’s one of Sebastian’s thralls, but then I’m not sure if that would make sense. It seems like the other thralls (other than maybe Emilia) are ordinary humans and I don’t know if Sebastian’s power would work on a witch. Perhaps there isn’t a magical explanation al all, and it’s something more like he’s just gotten more and more paranoid over time, for reasons yet to be disclosed. I hope we meet him (and any other powerful witch people in the council :P) soon.

Anyway, I will end this comment here before it gets more rambly. As always I feel like this comment was very frazzled xD Sorry again for forgetting about this one. I’m trying to get my head together but it hasn’t been working well so far :P Talk to you soon!!

Mistbrook Falls, Michigan
August 15th, 2530

Wow :O Ok, are you trying to tell me that Jack is secretly Snow’s descendant??? Or maybe a descendant of one of the other girls? xD Are Cassie and Nicole actually magical beings created by the dawnguard??? It all makes sense now!!

Anyway, overall I really enjoyed this story xD It was really cool to see Jack’s past and understand a little bit more about how he got into his position. I especially enjoyed getting a taste of his and Maya’s relationship and how long they’ve been friends. Their relationship was already solid in the main series but this just solidified it even more. We can see right from the start they’d do anything for each other, exemplified by Maya eventually agreeing to follow Jack into the navy. They’ve been through so much with each other and I’m excited to see the second part of this story (which I presume will be about how they and the rest of the Retribution crew ended up betraying the UEG.

After reading this chapter, I’m also curious about some of his family. It was interesting seeing how they, particularly his father, have influenced him and his beliefs. But I can’t help but wondering if his Dad was more than he seems. Was Jack’s dad just a level headed soldier with the ability to see the flaws in his own side of the war and see the opposite (Volgms) as people, or was he secretly involved in some kind of rebellion? Maybe he was even killed for it? I don’t know why my mind goes to that place :P I’m curious about Alyssa, his sister as well. With Jack mentioning that she lived on Luna, I wonder if she somehow got caught up in the Luna incident. I don’t have any evidence to suggest this other than her living on the same planet, but it would be an interesting connection between the two parts of the main story :P

Anyway, overall this was a really interesting side story/character study. It gives us suck a great insight into Jack (and to a lesser extent, Maya). I feel after reading this I have such a clear picture of who Jack is and I admire how he’s stuck to his beliefs all this time even after going through so much war. I’m really excited to see the rebellion in the next chapter and the start of his adventures in the Borderworlds.

And finally we get to see Cassie’s creation, coming full circle to where the main series starts :P  It was really cool seeing how she gradually became aware of what she is and what the world she’s entered is like. I feel like you wrote it in a way that made it really easy to imagine the world coming into being through Cassie’s “eyes”. Seeing how she reacts to the world when she first came to being makes me wonder what it was like for Nicole. Did she feel emotions too, or is that something only Cassie developed? I hope we get a flashback of her and Nathan’s interacting at some point. I also liked how at the beginning Nathan was hesitant to even create Cassie, nervous I imagine about dooming the world to another Luna Incident and also feeling guilty about doing it under Aiden and Aspen’s noses, given how much they have lost. We haven’t seen a whole lot of Aiden and Aspen yet but this series has made me a lot more curious about them. I’m keen to see more of them and their relationships with Nathan, especially as he attempts to keep Cassie concealed from them.

The last part was really intriguing, probably my favourite part of this whole miniseries :P That message there at the end is so fascinating. Who did it come from? The fact that they spoke a human language makes me think an alien race sending the message was unlikely. Perhaps it was a far off group of humans (maybe explorers from the Borderworlds who got lost somewhere far away?) The fact that it’s included in this short story makes me feel like it must have something to do with AIs, but how I have no idea. Perhaps it’s a group of AIs sending the message, but what exactly they were trying to stop I have no idea. It’s all very intriguing and I’m really excited to see what happens in the main story, although I’m sure it’ll be a long time before I find out xD Anyway, overall I thought this was a great short series, and I feel it’s enhanced my experience of the main series by adding in a tonne of extra questions on top of those I already had xD It’s interesting looking at Nathan’s actions with his true identity and motivations revealed too and I’m curious to see how his and Cassie’s relationship and story develops when those things eventually come to light.

Once again, I can just feel Nathan digging himself into a deeper and deeper hole :/ The longer he delays telling Cassie the truth, the worse it’s gonna be when she inevitably finds out and I’m bracing myself for a massive fallout :/ And Cassie’s demonstrated numerous times now that she has no issue breaking through Nathan’s shackles when she wants to that if anything did happen and she did try and cause a second Luna Incident he’d have no way of stopping her. Still despite my worries I enjoyed seeing their interactions there at the end. I feel you portrayed Nathan’s conflicting emotions well, where he’s angry and afraid of Cassie getting out of the shackles but also proud of her. Also, there’s something funny about an AI with all the intelligence and abilities in the world being scolded by a normal human :P As always, their dialogue together was well written and seemed very relaxed and real.

Anyway, as for the info Cassie found in this chapter, I’m very intrigued by a number of things. The biggest thing was probably the mention of project laniakea, even though Cassie only briefly touched on it. Cassie thought it could be AI related, and I wonder if this plan is related to the UEG’s ultimate goal and what they’ve been trying to do since the Lunar incident. I wonder if maybe they’re trying to create an AI that can somehow get into the Volgm’s ships and destroy them all in a single second. If that’s there plan, it seems very risky and prone to backfiring. That’s the only thing I can think of at the moment but I might be completely wrong xD in general I am curious to learn more about the Volgm in general since we don’t really know many specifics about them yet. I’m hoping some ‘civilian’ volgm will show up in the Borderworlds at some point, since Lucy mentioned she’d met some before.  Anyway, overall this was a great chapter. I love how you’re slowly building tension in this part of the story and I’m on the edge of my seat waiting for the inevitable crash and burn when Cassie finds out what Nathan’s been keeping from her X.X

I think this one has probably been my favourite chapter so far xD it was so nice to see Lucy settling into life on the ship and meeting more members of the crew. We don’t learn a lot about them in this chapter but I really like the small details and differences every character introduced so far has. It really makes the ship feel alive and makes it much easier to get immersed in Lucy’s story.  I’m curious if we’ll learn more about them in future, especially Keyla because her silence in this chapter made me feel like she’s hiding some secrets :P I am sure they all are in some way but her most of all xD It was also interesting to see differently they see the world compared to Lucy, and that contrast further highlighted when she was talking with Phoebe later on.

I really loved the second part with Lucy and Phoebe bonding :P Even though we haven’t seen very much for Phoebe I really love her vibes and dynamic and I feel her and Lucy could develop a really close bond and I’m excited to see if it happens. Especially since I imagine Lucy’s never really had a close/best friend and I could see her and Phoebe developing a relationship like that in the near future. I can just imagine it being the most heartwarming thing ever and I’m excited for it. Of course, I could be wrong and you could go the other way and make Phoebe doublecross Lucy/the crew. I don’t really think it will happen but the way Lucy kept noting that Phoebe seemed nosy or was extra interested in her belongings had me kind of suspicious :P I’m probably just reading too much into it, but it was mentioned a couple of times and it makes me wonder if she’s hiding something else or is planning to steal something etc etc… I think she’s probably just nosy by nature (I’d probably be the same way xD) but I can’t shake the slightly suspicious vibe :P Anyway, I’m very excited/nervous to see what happens if they do make their way to Havana. I have an awful feeling Phoebe’s sister will end up being dead or worse and I don’t feel I’m well prepared for the sadness xD

Anyway, like I said this was a really good chapter. I feel you’re setting up the dynamics between the differing crew members very well, with Lucy and Jack’s awkward relationship, Jack’s close bond with Maya and her distrust of Lucy, Lucy and Phoebe’s budding freidnship etc. even though we haven’t seen a whole lot of many of these characters yet the ship feels so alive and there’s so much potential for interesting relationships etc that I’m very excited for :P

I really liked the flashback at the first part of the chapter. It was really cool to see the Dawnguard in their heyday and get a short description of how they fought off the demons in the past, even though it was only short. I really liked the way the whole scene was portrayed - It felt very grand and cinematic, especially when Zora pulled out her lightsaber – ahem, I mean her sword xD I’m curious to learn more about her (I assume she’s Michael’s ancestor) cos she seemed cool :P I hope she appears in more flashbacks.

I also felt this opening tied in well to the rest of the chapter. It felt like you were drawing a strong parallel between what happened in the past. There was Zora and Co. watching the demons approaching and charging into a fight, while Sebastian’s minions are starting to close in on Snow in the present. It felt so creepy watching her trying to navigate through school with everything that’s happened recently while the thralls get closer and closer. Given how suspicious Snow seemed to be at the end, I wonder if she’ll figure out Emilia, at least, is a thrall after this chapter. Her personality change is quite jarring and I wonder if it’ll make Snow act on her plan to leave school and focus fully on her magical studies sooner rather than later. It does seem like she’s different from the rest of the thralls like Mr Winston though. They don’t seem to have changed as drastically so I wonder what’s different about Emilia. Her going to talk to Jackson seemed ominous too. I hope he doesn’t get dragged back into the fold.

It was only a brief part of this chapter but I have to say I’m also very curious about what will happen if Snow does decide to tell Kayla and Ariana about JTG. It makes sense that she would as it’s going to be a whole lot harder to hide it from them after everything that has happened and I’m curious to see how they will react and what they’ll do. I expect JTG will retaliate too, which worries me, but she’ll be facing a much more formidable team with Snow’s mums on board.

Sorry this comment is so scatter brained :/ My brain has been very scrambled lately but finally I was able to stay concentrating long enough to type this comment out. Hopefully I’ll get to your PM soon too. Sorry again for being absent for so long. I hope you, AJ and Claire are doing well!!

Wow, I can’t say I ever expected this series to turn in this direction xD this provides so much context to the main series and makes me even more excited to see what happens now I know clearly what Nathan’s goal all along has been. I have to say, Nathan actually being Samael all along is something I hadn’t really considered before reading this but it makes a lot of sense looking back at it. It makes me want to reread all his scenes again for clues. I’m embarrassed not to have suspected it earlier :P

It adds so much context to his relationship with Cassie though, given how he created and was so close to Nicole. You can really see how part of his motivation in Cassie’s creation and in their relationship in general is trying to find out what happened with Nicole and why she caused the Luna incident. It makes me even more nervous to see what happens when Cassie finds out about all of this, since not only would Nathan be betraying her by not telling her the truth about himself, I feel she would be hurt and betrayed that her entire creation is partly founded on him searching for answers about another “person”. I feel that would just add another level of betrayal/mistrust to the whole situation. Nathan/Tobias seem pretty convinced that the UEG/military people are the ones to blame for the Luna incident, which makes me feel like maybe their role in it isn’t actually as big as they are assuming and it was more Nicole’s own choice rather than anything they did that led to what happened. Of course, I have no other clues to go on at this stage xD

It was interesting to see how Nathan joined the Rubicon too, bringing things full circle. I feel a bit sorry for the crew though, especially Aiden, since he’s performing all this illegal and dangerous research right under their noses. Especially given what happened to Aiden’s family. I imagine the fall out if he finds out what Nathan is doing will not be pretty either :/

Also, I found this typo early on in the chapter where you called Samael by Nathan’s name before it was officially revealed. I had already twigged once he mentioned getting a new name that it would be Nathan’s so it didn’t affect my experience but it could spoil it early for some people so I thought I would point it out xD Here’s the line if you want to find it:

“Enough to know she did it, but not enough to explain why,” said Nathan

I can’t tell you how nice it is to get to read about Kayla, Ariana, Snow and the rest of the gang again. Especially since they all seem to be happy for once xD I’m very excited for this story cos I at the moment I am getting very cozy and sweet vibes and I feel less on edge than I normally do when reading the other stories in this series :P I don’t feel completely safe, of course, because something spooky happening is never off the table completely, but for the most part I feel pretty secure reading this xD

Anyway, there’s not too much to say here since this is very much an intro, but it felt very natural and pretty much perfect. With all the references to previous events and the intro part it was easy to slide back into the series and remember all the things that had happened at the end of Warehouse, although it’s been a while since I reread it.  I’m really excited to see what happened and I’m very ready for all the sweet moments and fluff that I anticipate xD Probably what I am looking forward to most is seeing Kayla, Ariana and SNow as a family, and hopefully how this event will bond them even more considering the three of them haven't really been together all that long yet. 

Wow, you’re spoiling me with all this Luna Incident info xD It was the part of the story I was most curious about so I’m glad to get more info through the short stories and this chapter too :P Reading this made me feel more certain that some part of Cassie was created from Nicole’s program (most likely her core, I would assume). Although if that’s true, I’m curious how it got into Nathan’s hands, considering Samael had the core the last time we saw it. My guess is he either did end up dying or for some reason had to go underground and gave it to Tobias, who then gave it to Nathan. Reading this chapter made me a lot more curious about Nathan’s background too. Not that I wasn’t curious before, but it seems he has more secrets than I thought and I have no idea how he ended up getting involved in all this. It was sweet but kind of concerning at the end there, with how desperate Nathan seems not to lose Cassie and the fact he’s willing to keep so much info from her because of that. It gives me a very ominous vibes and I can’t shake the feeling that things will start to go horribly wrong when the truth is revealed :/ Although I don’t know if Cassie would ever be capable of snapping and kill millions of people with her capacity for emotions and her concern so far about repeating a Luna Incident, I feel a betrayal from Nathan could potentially be a catalyst for that occurring.

The second part of the chapter was very interesting too, especially the ending. Her remembering Nicole’s name there was unexpected, I didn’t think the pieces would start to fall together so quickly xD Anyway, I’m curious to see if it’s just part of Cassie’s ‘memories’, making her remember Nicole’s name, or maybe Nicole somehow survived the incident and her consciousness is revealing itself to Cassie. Since she at first thought someone was in the room with her, maybe Nicole actually survived and will start talking to Cassie. I feel like if Nicole is actually there she could potentially be a corrupting influence on Cassie.  It depends on what her motivation was, but if she was evil all along or took a extremist view after her time in the military (that humans needed to be eliminated to stop wars, or something like that) she could potentially try and convince Cassie to do the same. It’s hard to speculate at this point when we still know so little about Nicole and her motives. Anyway, I’ll stop rambling because once again I’m not sure if any of this makes any sense xD

I really liked how we get to see another perspective of the luna incident in this chapter-  the first chapter was a gut-punch, seeing how 2 normal citizens were caught up in it, adding to the horror and toll of the incident and what Nicole did. Then we get to see a little bit more of an insider’s perspective and it was very fascinating to read.

One thing I found really interesting was the parallels between Samael and Nicole’s relationship compared to Nathan and Cassie – both seem like shy research-focused guys, with the AI they made potentially being their closest friend. It adds more stakes to the story because it’s easy to see that their storyline could potentially go a similar way to this incident, so adds a sense of foreboding. It makes me more curious to learn more about Cassie’s creation, too. Especially when Samael mentions how expensive AI is to make etc, makes me wonder where Nathan got the funds/materials to develop Cassie despite the ban on AI research. I wonder if he somehow got his hands on Nicole’s core or some of the parts of her code that weren’t destroyed. I feel like there could be a connection between the two of them beyond the fact they are both AIs and I’m really curious to see if that turns out to be true.

I liked learning about Nicole’s existance. I don’t really know what I imagined when I heard about the Luna Incident in the past – for some reason I always imagined a whole bunch of AIs working together to cause the destruction, I was surprised to learn it was a single AI that chose to do it although it makes sense (and like I said earlier, adds more stakes to Cassie’s story). Her possible motives are very intriguing. I think she must have discovered something horrible the UEG planned to do and destroyed the ships in an attempt to stop them. Since before Samael said she had shown distaste for being developed into a weapon/used for cyber warfare. That’s a more charitable explanation, but of course her actions still resulted in the deaths of millions of mostly innocent people. Otherwise, who knows? Maybe the power corrupted her or something else happened that we don’t know about that helped drive her to make this choice. Anyway, I should stop there because I’ve rambled far too much and it’s getting late xD I hope to get to the new chapter of Borderworlds soon too. Sorry again for taking a long time, and I hope you’re doing well :)

Sorry for taking such a long time to comment on this. I know I say that every time (and I say this every time too :P) but I’ll keep saying it to keep myself accountable cos I want to do better xD Anyway, this was an entertaining read and was packed full of interesting developments. It was cool to see the gang meet and negotiate with Eskil. I agree with Donovan, the whole situation seems very strange. I’m not entirely sure I trust Eskil, even though he did apparently do good things in the past and was very defensive when they accused him of having alterior motives. He just gave off shady vibes especially when he tried to deny it xD It seems strange that he wouldn’t go to collect the vestiges himself or that he would hire random people to do it. I’m not sure if we’ll discover more of his motives in the scope of this story, but still, I found it suspicious :P Of course, I could be entirely wrong and he’s just a cranky old man xD

I liked seeing the characters develop too and it was cool how real and natural their banter all seemed. Again, feels weird to say knowing they are created by real people xD Once again I found this very well written and even though I don’t know anything about the source material I still got a good sense of where everything is and could begin to see how the city worked. Even though I know you didn’t create this world, you’re doing a good job of describing it and selling its atmosphere to a noob like me xD I’m excited to see what happens next and what kind of horrors the gang might find on their journey.

Yayyy, a story about the Luna Incident!! I’m so excited to learn what happened XD Feels weird to say given how this chapter goes, but I’ve been very curious about it ever since it was first mentioned. I’m really curious to see how the incident progresses from here, and how it will affect Cassie and Nathan’s story. Of course, saying that, this was an absolutely heartwrenching start to the story and I’m sure it’s only gonna get more tragic from here :(

It was nice to get some more background on Aiden and this chapter (and I assume the rest of the story) really puts his distrust of AI in so much perspective :/ I expected something horrible would happen to his wife and daughter Adriana when they first appeared, given they haven’t appeared in the main story and what we already know about the incident and Aiden’s past. Still, I didn’t expect their deaths would be so soon, or so sudden. I figured these chapters would build up to it and that would happen in the last chapter so I thought I had time to prepare. Turns out I was very wrong. The whole build up to the explosions and their deaths was really well done and like I said, completely heartwrenching. I think it perfectly encapsulates what went on, that a split second was all it took to wipe out millions of people before anyone had a chance to react. Especially with Adriana, being so young and thinking about her dream to visit Earth when horror suddenly strikes, her life taken in an instant. You can really feel the weight of the whole situation and it’s heartbreaking :’(

Anyway, this was a really powerful start to this short story. I’m gutted already xD But looking forward to reading the rest anyway, and I’m very curious to learn how AI etc are involved in this whole incident, and I’m also curious (and trying to prepare myself for the feels) what will happen if we see Aiden/Aspen finding out about what happened to the rest of their family.

So Lucy joined the team at last :D I’m excited to see where the story goes from here, based on everything that happened in this chapter :P This chapter felt like the end of the “introduction” part of this storyline, with Lucy joining Jack’s ship, and it made me feel like anything could happen from here on out. I’m very curious to see what adventures they get up to xD

Anyway, backtracking a bit, I’m glad that Lucy and Jack were able to talk things through and Jack didn’t put his foot in his mouth quite as much as the last chapter xD I’m really curious to see where their relationship goes from here. I don’t really want them to get together romantically, partly because of the age thing, and partly because… I’m not sure xD I just feel like they could develop into a really cool platonic friendship and I wanna see it :P Especially with all the found family vibes the ship’s crew gives off. Anyway, it’s cool to see how even though they’ve only known each other a short time and yet it seems like they have affected each other a lot already. Lucy’s gone back on swindling him when it’s something she wouldn’t have thought twice about for anyone else, and he’s (hopefully) learning more about how the borderworlds work and how he shouldn’t get into business with shifty people like Torque xD Like I said, I’m really excited to see where their story goes from here. There are so many possibilities, and I’m curious to see how they end up getting involved with Nathan and Co, although I think that is probably a long way in the distant future xD

It was also cool to see a bit more from the other members of the crew too. They all seem very real and well rounded. I think Maya is my favourite of the crew so far although she’s had the most page-time so maybe that will change xD I’m really curious to see how she reacts when she finds out Jack invited Lucy to join the team. Something tells me she’s not gonna be happy about it :P It was nice to see Phoebe too and I loved the ending part with Lucy and Flynn, the time-travelling cowboy (that’s what he is in my head anyway). I’d kind of forgotten he existed since it’s been a while since his last appearance but he came back here in a vibrant and memorable way.  I liked hearing the story of Lucy’s past again through their conversation (which feels weird to say, given the horrors it involves) and I’m curious to see what his secrets are. And in turn, hearing a small snippet of his story made me even more keen to learn more about the rest of the crew, since I’m sure they all have similar secrets to unfold xD

Anyway, I should stop here xD I feel this is even more rambly and incoherent than usual, so apologies for that :P

This was such a powerful chapter. I know you’ve said you’re not a writer, but it’s hard to see that reading this chapter. It was so beautifully written and the contents were really moving all the way through. Especially those final few paragraphs. It’s so true that we can never know what’s going on in someone’s head, no matter how close we are. I’ve had to learn that the hard way a few times too, so the ending resonated particularly strongly with me. Empathy and kindness are so important but so often we seem to forget that :/ Anyway, sorry for rambling on a bit haha. And sorry for taking so long to read this, by the way.

I apologise in advance because I feel like this is going to be a bit of a weird comment. I’m not entirely sure how to phrase things knowing this is based on a DnD campaign, but I’ll give it a go xD Anyway, this was a really fun read. I’ll admit my knowledge of the universe and DnD in general is very limited, having only played it once in my life (and I don’t think we really figured out how to play it properly hahaha). I have played Skyrim though which I know is likely inspired from similar kind of stuff and so I kept getting major Skyrim vibes throughout. the descriptions of the world, the characters, the quests, etc, all reminded me of that game :P Which only added to the good vibes I got reading it haha.

Anyway, I must say I loved all your descriptions throughout this chapter. Of the characters, the location, pretty much everything :P It felt so detailed and like the characters/location were actually alive and places you could visit. I found the characters interesting too and I’m keen to see how they interact with each other going forward. They were diverse and again it’s cool how real they all feel. I like that we can already understand a little of how each character fits into the fantasy world. Feels weird to say that knowing they were brought to life by actual players haha.

Lastly, I’m curious to see what happens with this mission. This Emil guy seemed kind of sinister so I hope it’s not a trap of some kind, but hard to say at this point. I’ll be curious to see what happens next! :D

Even though this chapter was only short a lot of intriguing stuff is happening here :P I think Cassie’s reaction to the explosion and her possible memories are very intriguing. I was also surprised to learn she had only been operational for a week (I had assumed it had been a few months) and for some reason that made it even more surprising that she is having these strange visions, possibly even memories of an event she wasn’t present for. Could she somehow have absorbed or been created from someone’s consciousness, and that’s why she remembers these moments from the Luna incident (+ feels emotions when she isn’t meant to?). I wonder if Nathan knows more than he is saying too, although I doubt it. Overall it’s hard to say because I think Nathan has more secrets than are apparent right now, but overall it doesn’t seem like he knows any more than she does about this particular thing. He was surprised she had emotions when he hadn’t programmed them before, so I would think if he created her with memories etc somehow he would have felt differently. Still, either way, I’m excited to learn more. This mysterious Luna Incident has been built up on multiple occasions now so I am very curious to learn what happened, hopefully sooner rather than later but I know there’s probably more teasing to do so I’ll have to wait a while more xD

The other events of the chapter were intriguing too. I found it very sad and moving when the characters were talking about the corruption with HSY and how they wouldn’t care about the explosion and loss of lives :/ It felt all too real unfortunately. Anyway, I’m intrigued by this mention of protests and the demonstration with the painted fist reminded me a lot of stuff the Sons of Ares do in Red Rising. I remember something about an anti-earth group mentioned earlier on (I went back and looked for it, the Anti-Earth Movement?) so I wonder if they were the ones who painted it and that their influence is spreading. I’m curious to see where that goes. Before when they were mentioned I got a bad vibe since they apparently side with the Volgm against the humans. I’d definitely understand with the information we have right now while they would fight against the earth government, but considering the brutality of the war I don’t know if the Volgm are really a better choice. Long story short, they may have good intentions, I’m not sure, but I still get a shady vibe xD

Anyway, I should stop there because I’m pretty sure everything I have said doesn’t make one bit of sense. I know I say this every time, but I’m sorry again for being absent for a while. My brain just feels so frazzled lately and most of the time it feels like I can’t sort anything in my head into coherent thoughts :/ I honestly have no idea where the first 3 months of this year have gone xD Anyway, I’ll do my best to get to commenting on your other stories soon. Hopefully within the next week. And before I go, congratulations!!!! I won’t say much here in this public space, but I’m very happy for you (and Claire of course) :D And of course you have my blessing :)

Well, I was right that Jack and Lucy’s night wouldn’t end well :/ I certainly don’t blame Jack at all for freaking out when he discovered Lucy’s true age, but ooof – “You’re too young to have sex”. Jack, that’s the worst possible way to explain age of consent to someone xD Just… It’s really bad, totally missing the point of those laws. I don’t blame Lucy for reacting the way she did to that, especially with everything she’s been through. But I will forgive Jack despite his stupidity there because as a fellow sufferer of foot-in-mouth disease I know the pain :P

Anyway, that whole argument felt so awkward and uncomfortable - in a good way, for the story, because it makes a lot of sense although it was sad to watch it unfold :/ I think you did a really good job at showing their contrasting backgrounds and how it’s influenced them. Obviously, laws like age of consent are in place to protect young people, but it must seem completely ludicrous to Lucy after everything she’s been through without the people of the Borderworlds seeming to care at all. I found it quite poignant and sad for her to be so blindsided by something like that, because in the world’s she’s grown up in no one was concerned about protecting someone her age from rape and sex trafficking and being manipulated by older people into sex. I’m curious to see what happens next, when Lucy makes it back to the ship (I was a little confused at the end, but I think she’s turning back to tell them the truth?). Obviously Jack and Co. are going to be angry about that, but I hope once their anger settles etc that Lucy and Jack get to talk at some point and he is able to explain in a better way why he reacted the way he did. The mention of Haven at the end was very interesting too. I’m excited to learn more about that place, although now Lucy is heading back to the retribution I imagine it will be a while before we learn much more.

Anyway, sorry for the rambling mess that was both these comments xD I hope you have a wonderful Christmas tomorrow and a happy new year if I don’t speak to you before then :) Looking forward to the next chapter!!

Sorry for taking longer than I said to get to this. Somehow, time completely got away from me. Three weeks have passed and I have absolutely no idea how that happened during that time xD Anyway, like I said I really enjoyed this chapter. Nathan is probably my favourite character so far because his nerdiness fills me with joy xD plus I really like his relationship with Cassie – their banter is also enjoyable and you can really feel their closeness, like they are siblings.

Anyway, it was interesting to see how the new power thing affected Cassie and expanded her abilities. You’ve done a very good job of describing how it feels for her etc when she is able to look into all the different ships outside of their own. Still, even though I thoroughly enjoyed reading it that whole section made me worried. There have been so many references to the Luna incident (which I am also very curious to learn more about), to AIs breaking free and going rogue, and Cassie’s own worries about what she might do with the power. I feel something bad’s going to happen, and although I feel Cassie’s conscience seems to solid for her to ever want to destroy the world or anything, one day I think she will escape the shackles and do something big against Nathan’s wishes. Her intentions will probably be good but still, I don’t see that ending well for either of them.

And Nathan, you should know better than to complain that something might explode :P As I read that line at the end I thought, ‘oh no, something’s going to happen in the next chapter that blows up the base’, then I read on only to discover it happened the very next line instead :P I’m curious to see what happens. I wonder if somehow, the crew will discover what Nathan’s been doing with Cassie as a result of this explosion. I’m nervous about what they will do, especially the captain since he hates and distrusts AIs so much. I feel Cassie and Nathan might find themselves on the run soon, so I will be anxiously waiting to find out what happens next xD

I think so far this is probably my favourite chapter. It had been a while so I read through the previous chapters again before getting to this one – I love how rich with detail the world is and reading it all at once felt truly immersive, so good job :P Moving onto this chapter in particular, I really like the slowed-down pace and seeing the characters interact with each other in such an organic way. Seeing Maya and Jack’s bond there at the start was really sweet and I liked seeing it from his perspective, as Maya came across very strict when Lucy met her before but now we see another side of her. I love strong platonic friendships so I am looking forward to seeing more of their banter xD

I liked the second half with Lucy and Jack too. Firstly, it was nice to learn a little bit about Sunflower’s history, and I like how the ship feels almost like a character itself and the connection Lucy has with it based on their similar pasts. I’m not very experienced with space-opera style sci fi and don’t know the first thing about spaceships, but I really enjoyed that scene anyway xD Anyway, moving onto Jack’s visit, that was probably my favourite part of the chapter. Their relationship and their experiences are so complex and emotional and I feel we got to know both their characters even more. I loved the atmospheric, quiet and peaceful scene you created and you can really feel the trauma Lucy has gone through and how it has effects her still. Especially the end part where she thinks about how she has been used her whole life. It was very heartbreaking and emotional and I think you did a good job there. I’m not sure if them sleeping together (however briefly their relationship lasts, if they do go through with it) is a good idea, but I’m curious to see what happens next. And by that I don’t mean I think it’s a bad idea storywise, because I think it’s an interesting plot development and like I said it felt very emotional, I just don’t think it will work out well for either of them in the end but we’ll see :/

Also, the number of times Lucy has warned Jack or thought Torque is untrustworthy feels like either foreshadowing or a red herring :P I suspect someone will betray Jack, but maybe it won’t be Torque, but someone he trusts. Anyway, like I said this has been my favourite chapter so far and I’m really curious to see what happens. Sorry again for rambling so much xD

Sorry for taking so long to comment :/ Feel I say that every time :/ Anyway, I was glad to see Ariana and Kayla have a large role in this chapter. I’ve missed them so was nice to see that. Even though they were discussing things we already knew, with them finding out about Snow and the dawnguard, and Snow finding out about Destiny and Fate and their shenanigans. Even though it wasn’t new information, I think you delivered it in an interesting way and it was cool to see all their reactions. It also serves as a good recap, since it’s been a while since I read the prequels xD Anyway, I’m really curious to see what Ariana and Kayla do now they know about Snow and her powers, plus Sebastian’s obsession with taking control of her. I mean, they aren’t the sort to wait in the background at Stonehaven while Michael and Co sort it out. I wonder if they will get involved with the Dawnguard, or accompany Snow on her training maybe. And oof, don’t play with my heart like that xD Kayla asking Snow if magic could cure Ariana’s illness it was such a gut-wrenching scene. I think with everything that’s going on, with all the magic and JTG etc that very human tragedy of her incurable illness sort of gets left behind and forgotten about, and yet its probably what is causing Snow the most pain right now, especially since there’s still no way out of Ariana dying even with her new magic power. Oof, that was a rambling paragraph xD Sorry for making you try to make sense of it :P

Anyway, onto the second half of the chapter. I enjoyed Fate’s dream and getting more info on what happened between her and Destiny. I was surprised when reading this that I actually ended up feeling a little sorry for Destiny. I like how you have portrayed their conflict. Like… It’s clear that both of them care deeply for the humans, even though they express it in such different ways. Like, Destiny’s grand design is obviously stifling and I think Fate is right to rebel against it, but it’s obvious she is just terrified of the humans destroying themselves like they did before and that’s why she clings so much to the grand design. It’s cool to see this greyness and moral complexity to one of our antagonists, especially since the other main magical villain is more straight up evil. Not that I think it’s a bad thing story-wise for Sebastian to be purely evil though – plenty of stories (like Harry Potter, for example) have similarly irredeemable villains and are still incredibly compelling, but it’s nice to see that contrast between the different storylines in this book.

As for the ending, I have no idea what to think of Fate’s revelation about Mary :P It’s all very curious. I’m not sure at all who/what could have created her, since Fate says she and Destiny can’t. It’ll be interesting to see where that storyline goes, because I haven’t got a clue at this point xD

Overall, this was a really great chapter with lots of interesting revelations. I know I sound like a broken record, but sorry again for taking so long :/ For this comment, and borderworlds, and replying to your PM -.- My brain has been so fuzzy lately. I’m tried many times to type these comments and the PMs up, as well as write my own story, but my words keep getting stuck no matter what I do. Still, I’ll do my best to comment/reply as soon as I can, hopefully in the next few days. I feel sitting down and making myself type this helped me get a bit of spark back somehow, so I feel I should be more productive over the next few days. We’ll see.

Oof, so many exciting things happening here xD Poor Carmel. I can’t imagine how terrible she must feel, trapped into her situation with JTG. Even though she seems to be resigned to her fate here I hope she does escape her clutches somehow, and maybe work with the girls to bring JTG down. I don’t think it’ll happen anytime soon, but... Someday, I hope she manages to escape this.

As for the middle part of this chapter, I’m very excited xD I can’t believe Kayla and Ariana found out about Snow’s magic. I mean, she disappeared right before their eyes. There’s no way she’ll be able to worm her way out of that :P I didn’t expect them to find out for a long time, and I’m really excited to see what happens next as they find out about the Dawnguard, Sienna and Divinity etc too. And given how perceptive they are being about someone being after the girls, I imagine the whole JTG story will be exposed to them sooner rather than later. Which makes me extra worried, because JTG said they were going to hunt bigger prey… I have a few suspects of who she means by that. Sophia is my main suspect and like I said I’m feeling very worried about her safety, but I suppose she could also mean Tony and Co, or potentially Ariana and Kayla, especially now they are on the verge of finding out the truth. I’m really curious to see how they will be involved in the story going forward.

As for the ending, it was really great to see more of the Coven and be introduced to Newcastle, however briefly. I was picturing a large castle hidden in a forest somewhere (*cough* Hogwarts) so it’s not quite what I expected which is nice :P It was very intriguing and I’m excited to see what happens next, and what the Coven plans to do. SO many interesting things are happening in these last couple of chapters and I feel a big confrontation is on the horizon, both from the JTG plot and this one, so I’m going to be very anxiously waiting to see what happens next xD

Sorry for taking so long to get to this :/ This was a very intriguing chapter. All of the girl’s secrets (except Mary’s) have been brought to the forefront, which I wasn’t expecting to happen so soon :P I’m glad Nikki survived, although I am very surprised that JTG is almost stepping out into the open here. Usually she’s so secretive but like Snow said, it’ll only be a matter of time before everyone hears of what happened and given how much news the Steven thing got too, surely most of the town will realise what’s going on. Maybe she’s decided that too many people know now so there’s no point hiding anymore. Still, I’m feeling very worried for Sophia. I don’t think JTG would be happy to let her continue investigating closely with the group so I worry she may be a target, and might even get killed like Dennis did.

It was sad to see Nikki find out about her parents working with Tony. I must admit I’d forgotten about that. I suppose it’s better than her being in the dark, but still it must hurt even more for her given she and Randy have only just started to improve their relationship. Although I think if I remember right they weren’t working with him by choice (at least not about all the murders) so maybe that will come to light soon. I wonder if we will learn more about their plans if she does confront Randy. And I’m pretty sure I have said this before but I’m also really curious to see what Sara will do when she finds out it was her mum who tried to murder her. Even though most of the info in this chapter was stuff I as a reader already knew, it’s fascinating to see all the different characters finding out these things and I’m excited to see where they take their lackeys.

It was interesting to get more insight into Sophia’s thoughts on JTG. I don’t think JTG is a group – I mean, maybe Carmel isn’t her only lackey and there could certainly be more people she’s manipulated into working for her, but I think JTG herself is probably a single person pulling the strings behind it all. Who they are, though, I have no idea :P Well, I have 1 suspect in mind, but I don’t have nearly enough evidence to be remotely sure and it’s pretty much just a guess, so I don’t want to say yet because I’d be embarrassed if I was wrong xD

Anyway, overall this was a really great chapter. It’s fascinating to see all the different secrets coming out (although I know there are many more still :P) and I’m really curious to see what will change and where the girls’ storylines will go. Great job :D

Thanks for the comment! It’s been a long road haha. I haven’t written this story properly for close to a year, so I’m glad to get back into it, although it’s still pretty slow for me I suppose. I decided to rewrite it because I wrote the original a long time ago and I cringe so much when I read over it now xD

Anyway, I’m glad you liked the changes. I always enjoy writing from the Gifted’s POV so it was fun to include this. The Leader remains mostly a mystery for the first part of the story, but I always find her enjoyable to write. Thanks again for the comment :)

Thanks for the comment! I’m glad you liked this chapter. I was keen to give more insight into the Gifted and their ideology etc from the start, but I was worried they would come across as too empathetic, but hopefully with the end of the chapter that won’t happen :P Otherwise, we won’t get a close insight into them until 256 gets his POV so I’m glad you thought t was a good introduction.

I’m glad you like the grey aspect to the Gifted too. That’s always been very important to me to portray. I mean, the Gifted may be the ones to take away babies etc but they were the very people taken from their families at such a young age, so it’s in many ways a vicious cycle for them. The Leader in particular, as you say, is very devoted to the Gifted ideals, and I’m excited to get to explore her perspective more, although she will probably remain mostly a mystery until later on. But I do plan on giving her a little more page-time this time around :P

As for 481, he was meant to just appear in this prologue, but idk xD I enjoyed writing him so maybe he will pop up later on. Not sure where I will squeeze him in but I’ll try and find a way somehow :P I am planning to fully rewrite most of the story from scratch (although obviously plot-wise it will still be mostly the same beats), probably with a single POV per chapter each time, unless the characters are in the same location. I think particularly Janelle’s characterisation is something I would like feedback on because it will be changed the most out of the main characters. Oh, and one thing I will definitely be changing starting the next chapter is that Wesley will have a different name, which isn’t going to be confusing for us at all xD I haven’t fully decided if I will stick with it but I have been using William for now. I'm changing it because I felt overly self-conscious about the fact he and Carey’s names rhyme :P It’s more than a little annoying to call him by a new name when I’ve known him as Wesley for so long, but I hope I’ll get used to it eventually.

Thanks again for the comment and I will hopefully get to your chapters/PM soon. There’s a long weekend this week so I should have time then at the latest. For some reason, we celebrate the Queen’s birthday in September even though I’m pretty sure it’s actually in April, and also she shouldn’t be our Queen, but I won’t get into my “Australia should become a republic” tangent right now :P

Hi Claire. I’ve thought long and hard about what to say here. This was really emotional and well written too. I especially felt the last few lines. I’ve felt that way before, about how I should have known something was wrong with friends going through mental health problems/suicide attempts in the past, and I can only imagine how much more difficult it is with a partner/spouse. I hope you’re doing ok and thank you for sharing this with us.

Oof… This one was hard to read :’( In a good way though, because there were lots of interesting revelations even though I am very worried about Nikki right now. Anyway, I was happy to learn a little about Nikki’s birth parents. I don’t know why I was so convinced Nikki’s mum was randy and Julia’s daughter. Sister makes a lot more sense xD Anyway, I wonder what happened to her. Randy talked about her in past tense but he didn’t mention her being dead, so I wonder if she will come into the story later on. And… Tallahassee, wasn’t that where Carmel used to live? I wonder if there’s a connection there although I’m not sure what it could be. My first thought was that Carmel was somehow Nikki’s half sister, but since I’m pretty sure Carmel is older than Nikki that probably wouldn’t work :P Still, I’m curious to learn more about her mum. And her dad, too. Maybe he’ll never be revealed if he really was just some random her mother doesn’t remember but Randy seemed a little… strange, when talking about Nikki’s father. I wonder if he actually knows who he is, although it seems a bit farfetched. But still, I got a vibe he knows more than he is saying so I’m curious to see if there is more to this story.  Maybe he’s just awkward as an adoptive father talking about his daughter’s biological father, but there just seemed to be a vibe :P

Anyway, onto the next part of the chapter :’( :’( I have to say I’m very worried about Nikki. I don’t think she will die yet - or at least, I hope. Surely not, but then it would be an unexpected twist if she did :/ Still, I think she will probably be alive, but I’m sure an encounter JTG (I assume it was her) won’t her unscathed. If Nikki does make it out alive, I wonder if JTG will let her go or somehow she manages to escape. Maybe Carmel will help her somehow, especially if they are secretly connected through Nikki’s mum. Or maybe it’s all just wishful thinking on my part and Nikki really will be dead :/ I can’t help shake the feeling you’re going to pull a Ned Stark on me xD

Anyway, as for Snow’s dream…. Creepy. That one word sums it all up xD I think you’ve done a great job at the descriptions etc in this part, it was really chilling and definitely left us with a terrifying vision of what might happen if Sebastian succeeds. It was nice (in a weird way) to see more of him too, since we haven’t really seen all that much of him so far. He gives a very creepy and tense vibe so good job there. It was cool to see Snow resisting his offer about Ariana too, and her saying Ariana would be ashamed if she joined even if Sebastian really can save her brought a tear to my eye. Although it makes me wonder what else Sebastian will try to do to get Snow on his side, since she rejected that offer so quickly. I’m kind of worried for Zoe too, because I have a strong feeling that Sebastian is going to try and kill her, probably sooner rather than later, since she’s the one using her magic to protect Snow. I feel like it’s going to happen soon so I am living in a permanent state of nervousness :P

Anyway, overall this was a really great chapter. I’m very anxious to see what happens next, especially with Nikki. Good job :D

Thanks so much for the comment! Heh, well Carey’s thoughts on her world being confined to the island and suddenly becoming more open are also my thoughts regarding this story xD This was a very weird chapter to write for me for that reason. I’m so comfortable writing about the island now it’s the weirdest thing to write about these characters in a totally different setting. So I’m glad this little intro to all of that turned out ok.

As for Maui, I was very glad to finally get to this chapter xD He’s been in the background for so long (for plot reasons and also because, well… He’s a shy person who doesn’t speak up, unlike most of the other characters) but finally I’ve reached the point where he’ll start to be more directly involved in the plot. Zeia’s culture is something I’m very excited to write about too, and we get some hints of that in this chapter. Although some of what Maui mentions in this chapter is more specific to his family, rather than Zeia as a whole, which will become clearer later on, if I ever stop procrastinating and write the next chapter xD

As for the face in the water, that’s another thing I’m excited to get to, although it’ll be a long while yet before we learn much more about it :P As for the other Other Worlds, I don’t know exactly how much they will feature at this point but they are definitely out there :P Maybe at some point I will upload the unfinished map I made of the continent with Zeia + Tarantis on it. I don’t think I can be bothered to finish it (too hard to fill in all the details, with the size of it and the website I used) but it does show the locations of Tarantis/Zeia/the island and a few other countries. One of them is pretty much Skyrim :P Or at least, I imagine its citizens to be pretty much Nords by another name :P Anyway, I should probably stop rambling now xD Thanks again for the comment!

Finally got round to another chapter! Sorry again for being so slow -.- Anyway, this chapter had some very interesting developments. I feel there is something off about James, and I’m worried he’s gonna do something bad or get Peter into a bad situation at some point. He just seems shifty I guess :P Still, I found Peter’s attraction to him interesting from a story point of view, and sad to. It’s clear part of the reason he likes him is linked to loneliness, which you conveyed very well throughout the whole chapter. The ending was very intriguing too – I’m curious what will happen now Peter is starting to realise Jake is hanging around.

Here are some nitpicks:

“We were burned alive by the opera house” – the way this was phrased made me think the opera house itself had burned them, rather than the sun :P

“some sort of construction work from the sounds of things” what sounds did he hear to make him think there was construction going on?

“all sort of stories” *sorts

“Sure enough, he struggled to open the front door” – saying ‘sure enough’ makes it sounds like it was already alluded to that the door was hard to open, which didn’t happen

“I’m allowed find a guy handsome!” *to find

“Simply because there was so much stuff” – before this you hadn’t said there was anything extra in the room itself (just that there were posters in the halls)

“Sorry, need to be over eighteen for the kind of things we do” I found it strange that Peter assumes he means drinking, when isn’t the legal drinking age in America 21?

Thanks for the comment! Sorry for the late reply. Anyway, I’m glad that 256 and Carey’s relationship seems realistic and relatable. I wasn’t really sure where their relationship would go after Cursed, particularly since they’re obviously going to be separated for some time (maybe forever :P Who knows). But when it came to writing this chapter and the previous one it made sense to me that 256 would struggle with their new relationship, with everything the Gifted drummed into his head. There’s a big difference between loving someone from afar and actually being in a relationship with them. It’s the newfound emotional and physical intimacy that he’s finding hard to come to terms with, given how it’s pretty much the opposite of what he was always taught.

As for Sam and 256’s storyline, to say I am excited for it is a massive understatement. To be honest, theirs is probably the storyline I am the most excited for at the moment, although that does tend to change a bit as I write :P Their relationship is one I’ve always been interested by, and I’m excited to get to explore that further. And their quest is one I’ve been envisioning for a long time too, so I’m happy to finally be at the starting point. As for Janelle, her storyline is probably the one I find most difficult right now. I know where it’s going, but what’s happening right now is a bit fuzzy to me so I hope it turns out ok.

Anyway, thanks again for the comment. You’re right, Carey’s journey will be featured in the next chapter :P I’m trying to write her first chapter in Zeia right now, but it’s proving a strange transition for me after writing about the Island for so long xD Still, I hope it turns out ok.

Sorry for taking a while to get to this. I’ve been doing a lot of after hours in the last couple of weeks and it’s really thrown me off :/ Anyway, there were so many parts to this chapter and so many interesting things revealed, so there’s a lot to go through :P Starting with the beginning, I really liked the reveal about Clara’s premonition power. It’s not something I ever expected, although I did find those moments (particularly the one just before Snow’s suicide attempt) a little strange at the time, I thought it was just meant to show her and Snow’s strong bond. Of course, that’s clearly part of why she felt that at that particular time, but still :P It’s one of those things that makes you want to read back and see all those moments in this new light. So good job on the foreshadowing there. Anyway, I’m really curious to see what happens with Clara’s storyline. I assume she’s going to meet her father at some point, but I don’t know if it’ll happen right away or later on. I feel surely now she knows she won’t wait around to meet him, so maybe it’ll be soon, but… I don’t know, I just get this feeling that something’s going to happen to him or Clara beforehand so it gets delayed.

As for Sophia’s scene, I was quite surprised by the reveal that Alana was planted in Tony’s group by Sophia. It makes perfect sense, but for some reason I never thought of it at all when she appeared with them at the end of Snowfall :P Anyway, I’m curious to see where this goes. I’m very worried for Alana, since I feel Tony and Co are going to find out eventually about her telling Sophia, and considering what they’ve done to others who opposed them… Well, I’m getting pretty worried for her safety.

Meanwhile, Zoe continues to evolve into one of my favourite characters :P I really love the relationship building between her and Snow here, although like I said it makes me very worried for Zoe’s safety. Still, I feel like Zoe’s steady, guiding hand is just what Snow needs to help her not feel so overwhelmed with all this magic stuff. I’m also very curious to see what happens when they are back in school. We haven’t heard much from JTG in a while and I feel like something big’s gonna happen once they return to a more “mortal” environment I suppose :P It was sweet seeing Fate and Mary bond a little more too. I wonder if we’ll find out more about what happened with Mary and Sara soon. I don’t know why but that’s what popped into my head when reading that scene, even though Fate and Mary weren’t talking about it at all xD Still, it was interesting to learn a little more about Fate and her own thoughts about the universe. I’m curious what’ll happen with Ariana too. I feel she will somehow survive (or maybe it’s more I hope she will) but it’s hard to say. I’m not sure where you’re going to go with that storyline so I’ll be anxiously waiting to see :P Anyway, sorry again if this comment seems really scattered. Overall it was a really good chapter with a lot of interesting insights into some of the various mysteries, but now I feel I have even more questions haha. Of course, that’s definitely a good thing :P I’m excited to read on and find out more.

Thanks for the comment! And no worries, it’s not like I’ve been punctual in my comments either. I hope you’re staying safe! Anyway, I’m glad you liked this chapter. Most of these early chapters I’ve felt need a lot of editing (which I’ve been endlessly procrastinating :P) so I am glad what I do have is resonating with you so far. Thanks again and I’ll try and get back to your story soon.

Thanks for the comment! Heh, I’m glad you’re happy about Samantha getting POV. I’ve considered it for a long time but about halfway through Cursed I decided to go through with it and the start of Human was the ideal place for it. The main reason for it was because I wanted to develop her relationships with non-POV characters more. And there’s only so many times you can have people overhear conversations they’re not involved in without making them seem really nosy :P I feel it’ll be difficult to juggle but still I’m glad I went ahead with it.

Still, because of it I had to delay Carey and Co leaving for Zeia until this chapter (rather than the end of Cursed) because O felt she and 805 needed some kind of partial resolution to their storyline before he left the Island potentially for a long time. I’m sad I couldn’t have my original ending for Cursed but I’m glad I got to write that scene. Out of all the relationships in this series theirs is probably the one I write by the seat of my pants the most :P Anyway, because of that I don’t really know where their relationship will end up, which makes it interesting for me to write.

As for Bennius, it’s good you didn’t get a bad vibe from him because the main purpose of Bennius’s character is to redeem Tarantis a bit :P I felt I needed to have a character from that country who is at least a half-way decent person. They aren’t all Victors xD Anyway, he’ll be featured a bit more in the near future so hopefully he’s an interesting character. Thanks again for the comment!!

Hey. Sorry again for taking so long to get back to this story. I feel I say that every time, but hopefully I manage to pull myself together and write regular comments again soon :/ Anyway, overall I really enjoyed this chapter. I love the moments of Bart and Jake’s friendship, from their banter at the beginning and later on when they’re trying to sort through what happened. It felt very real and natural so good job there.

I also really liked the way you described the moment when Jake first saw Peter. It was perfectly executed and I could understand exactly how he felt, how everything seemed to fall into place although of course there’s still so many questions left to ask. I like how you wrote this chapter in parallel with the last one, especially the ending at the museum. I’m really curious to see what happens, and if they’ll ever be able to communicate. I feel they’ll find a way but I don’t have much idea how, so it’ll be interesting to see.

Some nitpicks:

“Creating the world of noise” *a world

I do find it a bit odd that places like “East High”, or the names of cafes etc, are italicised. It doesn’t feel necessary and sometimes can be a little distracting, to me at least.

“He didn’t like it, the living hardly liked change” – How did Jake know the teacher didn’t like it? What did he do to convey that?

“I walked alongside some of them, that familiar feeling…” I feel this would sound better if you wrote “as that familiar feeling…"

 

Thanks for the comment! Heh, sorry for causing so much heartache xD Sam is definitely not over her feelings at this point, and Janelle… Well, she’s trying to pretend nothing is different, but that’s unlikely to go well. I’m glad Sam’s feelings in particular got through well, since obviously as it’s not from her POV I was worried they wouldn’t. I’m glad you like the scene about Reagan. Originally she was actually going to go to his actual grave and bury the shirt there, but timing wise it didn’t really work so it was changed to this. Because I knew it wouldn’t work, I made Carey go there instead all those chapters ago. Still, now she finally knows the exact circumstances of his death she’s a lot more at peace and like you said, she can mourn him and move on.

I’m glad you liked the ending scene too. I was a bit uncertain of it because I felt it didn’t really live up to my original plan, and I still don’t think it does, but oh well. My original plan for the ending was for the final scene to be Carey on the boat, staring out into the horizon as they set sail like Arya in the season 4 finale of GoT, but… Well, due to other developments, that had to be delayed, which will become obvious in the first chapter of Human :P Speaking of, thanks again for reading all the way through Cursed and for all your comments :) They’ve been very thoughtful and helpful, so thank you. I hope you enjoy Human. There’s one thing in particular I think you’ll be pleased about :P If you’ve already read the first chapter, you’ll know what I’m talking about, if not, you’ll know what I mean when you do xD

 

Wow :O So much information was revealed in this chapter and I don’t know where to begin :P Firstly, Fate’s plan is… Not what I was expecting at all. I can’t say I was expecting that at all. Although I had ideas about who died when they weren’t supposed to (although clearly I was completely wrong about that, since it’s actually people surviving when they weren’t meant to), I had no idea what Fate’s actual plan and what she could want with Mary could be. Overall, I’m really intrigued. So much was revealed in this chapter and although it was a lot of exposition, I found it didn’t seem to bother me much because I was too interested to care :P

At the start, I was totally convinced Fate wasn’t telling then truth, or at least she was altering facts to make herself appear in a more positive light to get mary to help her. However, as the chapter went on, she seemed more and more… Human? I don’t know if there’s many other ways to describe it. She just seemed so much more vulnerable and open with Mary, especially when she genuinely encourages Mary to live her life to the fullest. The way she speaks in a frank, yet honest manner drew me to her and by the end of the chapter I was convinced she is telling the truth as she sees it. I still think there could definitely be more to the story but despite the conflicting narrative from Destiny before I feel Fate’s story is the true one. Also, with Mary’s comment that Fate’s hair resembles Sienna’s I can’t help but wonder if there’s a reason for that :P I don’t know what it could be, but it seems suspicious xD

Anyway, overall this was a great chapter. Mary’s storyline is shaping up to be my favourite at the moment, mostly because I have no idea where it’s gonna go and if they’ll be successful in stopping Destiny. I was excited to see Claire (and I imagine Cooper down the line) step back into the story too.

 

Heh, well this chapter was probably my favourite to write out of these last few so I’m glad you liked it :P Evelyn was really a surprise for me in this second half of Cursed. She went from a space-filler character in Janelle and Ben’s storyline to someone I can see as having a prominent role in the rebellion in the future, although I haven’t got all the details worked out yet.  

Anyway, for the longest time, Janelle was going to kill Caleb at the end of this chapter. It was meant to difficult but necessary decision for her, where she decides to kill Caleb for the sake of the rebellion and because she knows his way of thinking and his leadership isn’t right. But the closer I got to it the more I felt Janelle wouldn’t be able to go through with it. I felt like after everything she had learned about him, especially her bonding with Alice, would make her unable to kill him. It didn’t help that in my original plans, Caleb was a lot less sympathetic than he turned out to be xD I even gave him my second go-to evil name, because whenever I think of the name Caleb my mind automatically goes to that creepy guy from the final season of Buffy :P I mean, his backstory was still pretty similar, but his relationship with Marina much less fleshed out and Alice didn’t even exist :P She was kind of a last minute addition and I liked her so I kept adding scenes and it made me like Caleb a lot more too.

Of course, Janelle deciding to spare him left me with a huge dilemma, because Caleb needed to die here or I’d have to rework a large chunk of the plot. Conveniently at the same time, Victor started to gain more prominence, and I found myself really enjoying his scenes. My original plan had been for him to die when they raid his lair, but I felt it would be a lot more interesting and suspenseful for him to survive. And if he survived than he certainly had his reasons for wanting Caleb dead, so it wound up working well I think.

As for Janelle’s decision there at the ends, it relates back to what I said about why she killed Caleb in my original plan. Strategically, I think killing Caleb would have been the right choice, and Janelle knows that. She knows the rebels would accept her leadership a lot easier if they think she murdered him. Her decisions in this chapter will cause her a lot of conflicting guilt to come, from not being able to stop Caleb from dying, and from the fact she wasn’t able to do “the right thing” for the rebellion and kill him in the first place. She’s probably the character whose storyline in Human is the least clear to me at the moment, but I’m excited to delve into those aspects of it. Thanks so much again for commenting :)

 

Thanks so much for the comments! Glad you liked this chapter. Although I was nervous about it, I had a lot of fun when I wrote it. I feel this chapter is the one where the Skyrim influence really takes hold xD The whole time they were in Victor’s lair I was imagining a Nordic-tomb inspired chamber xD

As for Carey’s powers… They are certainly unusual and there’s a lot more to learn there, but I do think this chapter probably would seem a lot less sudden if I’d remembered to foreshadow it like I’d planned xD Plant based powers are part of the Gift of Earth. They aren’t trained or encouraged to use it at all, but they do have some basic abilities with it. That was mentioned a while back in Gifted, and I realised when writing this chapter that I completely forgot to mention it again in Cursed xD Still, they could never do what Carey did in this chapter :P Whenever I get to editing this I’ll probably try and add something in about it, although I’m not sure where.

 

 

Thanks so much for the comment! I hope you’ve been keeping well with the pandemic, and no worries for taking a while. I haven’t found much time for writing/commenting either so I understand. Anyway, thanks for your critiques. One thing I will say is that the Leader is still going to train Carey (in using her Gift) while 256 will only train her for general combat etc skills. I’ll make sure to make that clearer in this chapter, but I just wanted to tell you so it isn’t confusing later :P Thanks again for your help.

 

Aww, Snow :/ Like I said before, I really loved the first part of this chapter. It was really nice to see Zoe and her bonding. Zoe is quickly evolving into one of my favourite characters. She seems so kind and patient, which is perfect for Snow right now. Although I have to say, with all the mentoring she’s doing, I’m becoming more and more worried for Zoe’s safety :P I mean, first Snow, now Clara… I feel her likelihood of dying doubles with each mentee she takes on, so I’m getting very scared for her. Regardless, their scene was very well written and moving. I’m excited to see how their relationship continues to develop.

As for Clara… I can’t say I didn’t expect her to be the half-witch, but I was still very excited for this reveal :P And I was quite surprised that Noel knew Clara was a half-witch too. I assumed Clara’s dad never told her and she had no idea, although I don’t really know why :P Anyway, I’m curious to see how Clara’s training goes. I feel the coven are bound to find out at some point, which makes me nervous but also curious because I kind of want to meet them. I imagine them as a league of Umbridge-lookalikes :P I hope we meet Alden at some point too.

Also, after that reveal I’m even more curious about Carmel. Since we know she is a half-witch with her powers bound, and Zoe said it can have a big affect on people. I wonder what’s changed about Carmel as a result, and how things would change if she were to get her powers un-bound.

One thing I was a little confused about though, is the realm of Olandria. Zoe mentioned it multiple times in this chapter but she didn’t explain what it was, and Clara didn’t seem to question it which I found odd. Is Olandria the realm-word for Snow and Co.’s reality? Or is it the world where the coven live? Or both, if the coven are on Earth? But regardless, it’s an easy fix :P

Now, for that ending… Wow. Nope, can’t say I was expecting that :P Fate turning to Mary for help was something I never imagined, but it was probably my favourite twist in this chapter. I’m so intrigued by it and I’m really curious to learn more. Right now, my theory is that the person who died when they weren’t meant to was Miranda, and she was the previous “One” Sebastian was after. I think Fate must have manipulated things so that Tony found her/decided to suffocate her rather than call an ambulance or something. That’s my theory for now, although it may change as I gather more information :P But regardless, I’m very intrigued about where this storyline is going. I wonder why Fate sought out Mary as opposed to any of the other girls. The way she says she “shouldn’t” be there, and with what Fate said at the end, clearly Mary was supposed to die before Fate messed with things. Since she mentioned the dreams and stuff have been happening since the mine, it makes me wonder if she was meant to die then but Fate manipulated things so she survived. Especially since you said your original plan was for her to die then :P Regardless, I’m very intrigued to see what happens next with them. Overall this was a really great chapter, with lots of interesting turns and reveals and a very heartfelt scene there at the start. I can’t wait to read the next one :)

 

Thanks so much for the comment! I’m glad you liked this chapter, and Marvin’s introduction. He (like most of these characters) has a few secrets, which you’ll find out in due course :P I’m glad you like how Janelle and Samantha’s relationship is developing too. Theirs is one of the core relationships in this series so I’m glad it seems believable.

Thanks for the critiques too! I’ll try and add more intrigue about the Gifted (particularly from the nonGifted’s side of things) into these early chapter. Thanks again :)

 

Sorry again for taking so long with this -.- I keep saying I’ll do better, but it never seems to happen. Anyway, overall I thought this was a really good chapter, and a great introduction to Peter. I think you’ve done a great job conveying the constant, crushing grief Peter feels. Even when he’s not directly thinking about it, it’s constantly there like a weight on his shoulders. That was consistent throughout the chapter, so good job. The scene where he was describing what I assume is his deceased boyfriend’s love for art was particularly moving :’( You could really feel the fondness and the unmeasurable sadness too. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense, by the way. Overall, I’m very curious to learn more. I expect I’ll need to have tissues on hand, though!

I like the other supporting characters featured here, too – not sure what sort of roles they will have at the moment but they all seemed interesting, and well-thought out (rather than just being random, almost featureless people for the protagonist to bounce off of). Bryan is probably my favourite so far.

Now for my critiques. Firstly, if Peter didn’t want to be in Seamus’s class, couldn’t his dad request he not be? When I was at school my mum suggested my sister and I (we’re twins, so in the same year group) asked that we not be in the same class for most of my schooling and that worked out. I think you could solve this easily by saying he couldn’t get a job in the school in their catchment area etc so Peter has to go to the one he’s at now.

Also I noticed Peter mentioned wanting to go to ‘university’ – from my observations based on news/tv/books, I would think as an American he would call it college :P

She sighed, finally showing how exhausted she actually was.” I felt saying she was exhausted seemed redundant, since the dialogue and her body language already conveyed that well.

“The Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum” I found this paragraph worded strangely. I get that you’re trying to keep the person he’s talking about’s identity a secret, but the way it was worded made me think he was saying the museum itself or his dad was obsessed with the paintings, which didn’t really make sense :P

“I fetched my camera immediately, snapping a single polaroid when the lights shone brightest.” Ok this is really picky, but I would think most museums/art galleries would have a rule about no unofficial photography haha. Most of the ones I have been to do.

Thanks so much for the comment! Sorry for the late reply, and for not commenting on In Love With Air for ages :/ I promise I’ll get back to it soon, this weekend at the latest. Anyway, I’m glad you liked this chapter. It was always important to me to show the Gifted’s side of the story too, and 256 serves as the main vehicle for that. Thanks for the critiques, too! Sorry again for taking so long.

 

Overall, this was a very intriguing first chapter. You’ve set up the ghost’s world well, and I liked what I saw of Jake and Bart so far. You did a good job of portraying Jake in particular, with his trying to figure out what it is he feels he needs to do. I’m glad he found the place he thinks he needs to be at the end, with the school. I’m very intrigued to see what happens there. I also liked all the detail and description of the train stations/the rest of the city. You did a very good job at setting up the atmosphere for this story, makes me feel like the story is set in one of those old romantic drama/comedy movies haha. So great job on that. I’m eager to read on and see what happens now :P

Here are my nitpicks for this chapter. Take them with a grain of salt :P

“full of people, most of which” *most of whom

“(I had a lot of time on my hands)” I don’t think the brackets are necessary here, since it’s in first person. And this might just be me, but I don’t tend to like using or seeing brackets in prose anyway.

“(I was a little bit afraid…” same for this sentence too. There were a few times more times you used brackets throughout the chapter where I felt they weren’t necessary. It felt inconsistent too, because I couldn’t figure out why you’d used them in some places but not with other, similar sentences. Sorry for being such a brackets-hater xD

“The tunnel growled; a passing carriage…” I think this would be better as: “The tunnel growled as a passing carriage…”

“I wondered what happened to her now” – given the context, I think this line would sound better as: “I wondered where she was now”

“I needed to tell Bart, I needed to hit him with my eureka moment!” This sentence sounded awkward to me. I think it would be less clunky and more intriguing if you left it simply at: “I needed to tell Bart”

 

Thanks so much for the comment and your critiques! I hadn’t thought much about Wesley accepting Carey’s Gift too easily, so thanks for that. It does seem strange now you point it out, so thanks for that.

I’m glad you like the two separate storylines for Carey and Janelle, too. The next chapter is a little different so I hope it’s interesting :P

 

I think overall prologues can be hit or miss, and this one felt like a hit to me :) It’s only a little tease, but what we get here successfully intrigues me and makes me want to read on. I liked the way you described and build up to Jake’s eventual realisation that he’s a ghost. I especially liked the description of how it felt for Jake to have someone pass through him. I feel like it’s a spot where you could have easily gone through a cliché route (“he felt nothing” or “it felt really cold) but instead you did something more original. Since it’s only a short sequence I don’t have a whole lot to say, but overall it’s an interesting start to the story. I look forward to reading on!

“I moved onto a man with a stroller, carrying his impatient child” – I think it would be better and more immersive to describe what the child is actually doing? Crying? Yelling something? Throwing a tantrum? Etc. Also I’m surprised he spent a whole hour just waiting for people to notice him. I would have thought he’d realise they weren’t going to earlier than that. Both those comments are pretty nitpicky, but I thought I’d mention them haha.

 

Thanks so much for the comment! I’m glad you liked the chapter. I’ve always felt like Janelle and Samantha’s storyline is rather lacking at the beginning of the story, and not as exciting compared to Carey’s and the third POV character’s story, who is yet to appear. So I’m glad you’re enjoying it so far haha. I won’t say much about whether or not they’ll eventually meet, but their stories are definitely connected... xD

And I haven’t read Eragon, so any similarities are purely coincidental :P

Thanks so much for the comment!! The Gifted all wear uniforms, which is the only way the general nonGifted can know they are Gifted (unless they say so, or use their powers in front of them). their uniforms differ slightly depending on their Gifts. The gifted themselves can sense each other, so they will always know if someone else is gifted or not. But that's a whole other story xD Anyway, I'll make sure to mention his uniform when I rewrite this! Thanks again ????

Snyway

Awwww :) Despite all the sadness going around, I felt like this was a really sweet ending haha. The final scene at the airport was probably my favourite. You can really feel how Hannah’s experience in the US changed her and how even now she is home, she’ll be changed forever. I liked the kind of ambiguous ending with Henry, too. Although it was a good ending and I think it wrapped up the story well, I feel like there are a lot of intriguing story threads that if you ever felt you wanted to write a sequel you could. I’d be interested in reading one, anyway :P

 “Look, I get it. You feel horrible. She was lovely. She really was.” Kind of callous, Hannah :P I guess overall, I felt that Hannah seemed a bit indifferent about Jess’s death. I think it’s something you could get a lot more substance and emotion out of, especially since this is the last chapter. I suppose her death felt a little rushed over.

Also (and this is really picky) but I found it odd to include Jess among the list of 2000 dead if they never found her body. Technically, she would be in a list of missing (presumed dead) people. Sorry, that’s really nitpicky xD Also, would Hannah’s dad really only have one picture of Jess? Surely he’d have some on his phone, even if they weren’t in print. If he lost his phone in the hurricane and that’s why maybe it would be good to point this out.

Anyway, like I said before, overall I really liked the ending and the story in general. I liked the way Percy and Hannah have clear growth throughout the story and your descriptions of the hurricane were very visceral and terrifying at times. Overall, great job, and I look forward to reading In Love With Air!

 

Thanks so much for the comment! I’m glad you liked this prologue :) It’s a new addition to the story, one I wrote a couple of months ago. I added it because I thought the story needed a stronger beginning, and I also wanted readers to have more of an idea of the Gifted’s lifestyle and way of life from the start. Not to mention, well… I like writing about 643/The Leader xD Just so you know, future chapters will pretty much exclusively refer to her as The Leader, because it’s considered very rude for ordinary Gifted plebs to call her by her number :P

Thanks for the critiques too. Gifted is in desperate need of a rewrite that I have been procrastinating for a long time haha, so don’t be afraid to tell me anything you think needs to be changed in the coming chapters :P Thanks again :) And don’t worry, take all the time you need to read. It’s not like I’ve been very punctual with my reviews for your stories :/ Sorry for not getting to the last chapter of This is Why I’m Afraid like I said I would -.- I will definitely get to it later tonight, and I’d like to read In Love With Air too. It feels very familiar to me and I’m sure I read the previous version, but I can’t remember if I left comments on it before. Still, I look forward to revisiting it!

P.S. Sorry in advance if you notice some inconsistencies between this chapter and the rest of Gifted. There are a lot of small details I plan to change when my endless procrastination finally stops. I just wrote the prologue with those changes in mind, but the rest of the story will still have them there. For example the name of the Gifted's headquarters is called the Fortress in this chapter but it used to be called the Council as well. I changed it because I felt it was too confusing to differentiate between the building called the Council and the Council of people who advise the Leader :P

 

No worries! I should hopefully have time to read and comment on the next chapter tomorrow night, sorry for taking a while. And thank you for reading my stories too. Gifted in particular (the first one) is... rather dodgy, and in dire need of a rewrite :P but I hope its enjoyable anyway haha.

Well, this was certainly an emotional ride :’( I think the scene where Malcolm and Percy confronted Malcolm’s parents was really well done and moving. I liked how you didn’t make them come around and beg for forgiveness, it would have seemed ingenuine and unrealistic. I like instead that Malcolm vowed to emancipate himself and fight them, it seems like the most positive outcome possible for him so I hope it works out. And the reveal at the end with Jess presumably missing/dead was really devastating also. I’m eager to read on into the last chapter and see how you wrap things up.

At the beginning of this chapter, Percy talks about needing to speak with his own parents about them never being there for him etc. I think it would be really good if you could work that into the narrative, because it would really bring his storyline to a good conclusion as well as get some more emotion and insight into his character. Like I said, I really liked the scene where he and Malcolm confronted Malcolm’s parents, and I think it would be really interesting and emotional to also show his confrontation with his own parents at some point. At the moment that storyline seems kind of unfinished and since this is Percy’s last POV I presume we don’t get it in the next one (forgive me if I’m wrong :P).

Here are some nitpicks:

“They flew out on the promise he wouldn’t have to deal with Deandra” – I think this should be I rather than he? Not sure though

“I relyed on my two friends” *relied

“eventually we heard famiiar voices” *familiar

“And I noticed her natural hair color through the dye” it seemed strange to me that he said ‘natural hair colour’ rather than the actual colour itself

“Those symptons of a panic attack” *symptoms

“He leaned in to kiss me than” *then

“I, am not, your son!” I felt the way you placed commas in this sentence made it lose some of its impact. I think it would sound better without them.

 

Hey! Sorry again for not commenting on this for so long. Anyway, I briefly skimmed through the rest of the book and found I remember what was happening pretty well, so here goes :P First off, I really loved the way you dealt with Hannah’s feelings in this chapter, although it made me sad :P There’s so much gentle regret and sweetness in her wishing she had been bolder and more open with Percy about her feelings, but at the same time stepping back and wanting him to be happy with Malcolm because she knows he truly loves him. It melted my ice-cold heart, at any rate :P

I’ve never experienced anything like the hurricane Hannah and Co. are going through, but it seemed very realistic and downright scary to me. I really felt I was right there with them. I also thought you did a really good job of balancing the other conflicts in this chapter (Malcolm’s parents, Adam and his news about his mum) while at the same time the threatening back drop of the hurricane raged on. The tenseness when you were describing them escaping to the new building was really impactful too. I don’t have much to critique about your chapter, but I did notice a couple of typos and things so I will list them:

I can’t remember exactly where but I do remember Hannah referring to the cyclone as a hurricane at one point. It seemed an odd mistake to make for her character, but I wasn’t quite sure because I know in some parts of the world they are called cyclones (like here in Australia, for example) so I thought at first it might be because she’s English. But I thought it was also called a hurricane in England as well as America, so it seemed odd, although I might be wrong. Sorry for that not at all long-winded and confusing explanation :P

“Leafs slapped be in the face, stinging my eye” *leaves

Hi there! Thanks so much for the comment and your kind words. I don’t know if I am fully deserving of such praise but thank you very much for reading :) Sorry about my own lack of reading and comments, especially on This Is Why I’m Afraid, which I never finished back in the day. I was enjoying it, but life stuff got in the way. Still, I’d like to try reading it again and leaving some more comments where I left off, and maybe read some of your other stories too. I always really liked your writing so I am sure I will enjoy them! Have a nice day :)

 

Sorry again for taking such a long time to get to this -.- Anyway, this was a very interesting chapter. I really liked seeing more of the magic in this world’s potential and I must say I think you have a gift for writing it xD Anyway, back to the beginning. It was really nice to see Sara comforting Snow about her trigger. Not only was it a heartwarming scene, it also really highlight’s Sara’s development since the beginning of Snowfall. I’m still pretty wary of her at the moment, but I feel like I trust her a bit more now after this chapter xD And you know, she quoted Dumbledore, so that’s gonna win her points :P

Anyway, I really liked the scene where Snow was learning to use her powers. Like I said before, you did a great job with describing their use of magic. You described it in such a vivid way and it was really fun to imagine xD Michael and Zoe’s match was also really cool to read about, not to mention it introduced us to just some of the many possibilities of magic in this universe. And ahem, I’ll admit I was a little worried at the end there until Sara restored them both xD  Overall, it was really cool and makes me eager to read more.

As for the last part of the chapter… Now that had me really worried :/ It may just be the power of magic that’s corrupting her, but with that voice in her head it seems like Sebastian has found a way to worm himself into Snow’s mind… :/ If he has, I am sure he’ll try to use that to his advantage, maybe tempt her to join his side with the promise he can heal Ariana. I may be wrong and it may just be Snow herself thinking that, but that was my first thought after reading that part of the chapter.

Anyway, this is a bit of an aside, but I wonder what JTG’s been up to lately xD It feels like forever since we’ve seen her and Carmel. Although, looking back I realise it’s only been like 3 chapters or so since JTG’s plotline got a bit of focus. Hmm :P For some reason it felt like a lot longer than that xD Never mind. But regardless, I hope we see more of that storyline soon.

Thanks for the comment!! Oh no, you have discovered Maui’s necromancing ways :O  I was hoping to keep that hidden a little longer… xD Anyway, yes, he was attempting to honour the dead. I wanted to give him a bit more spotlight before the end, as he’s been very out of focus compared to everyone else since he first appeared. That said, he will be getting an increased role in the next story. Finally :P

As for 805, I’d say he’s pretty wary of Carey’s abilities. He can see how they’re affecting her and the fact she’s more powerful than your average Gifted hasn’t escaped his notice. Heh, well I’m glad you’re happy everyone made it out alive xD I’m a little disappointed in myself because I want the stakes in this story to seem real and authentic, but… Well, I need everyone to stay alive xD There’s too many things I want to write about still and almost everyone is needed for something. The only character I really considered killing off at this point was Thomas, because he’s the only one I don’t have a clear plan for. But in the end I decided not to, because after everything he’s been through the idea of killing him off at this point left a bad taste in my mouth. Plus, although my plan for him isn’t as clear as the others, I do have ideas about what I’d like his role to be.

Anyway, thanks again for commenting! And I’m sorry I haven’t commented on your new chapter. For some reason I had it in my head that I had already commented, but I see now that is not the case. Clearly my memory is getting even worse than it already is xD Anyway, I’ll try and get to it soon.

Thanks so much for the comment! Heh, sorry for doing something so unforgivable :P Anyway, I’m glad you liked the first part of the chapter. I don’t know what this says about me, but I always found scenes demonstrating Victor’s depravity fun to write xD And playing with the mad scientist trope was fun too. Still, I did get pretty unsettled myself writing about Thomas in this chapter. Even now he’s escaped he’s going to be reeling from both the physical and mental effects of his time with Victor for a long while yet :/

Anyway, as for Ben’s revelations in this chapter, I found it interesting building up to the full story through all the different characters’ level of knowledge about the whole Reagan situation :P First there’s Alice, who doesn’t really know anything other than Reagan was in their group; to Ben, who at least only appears to know some details about what went on; to Caleb, who of course knows the full story. Although I will say this, Caleb is not the only one who knew the whole story. As to who else knew the full details, I ain’t telling :P

And wow, I’m glad you are both okay and that your house survived the worst of the storm. I looked at some pictures and it must have been so scary :/ Thanks again for the comment!

Thanks for the comment! Congrats on your move and getting all settled in :) I’m glad everything seems to be turning out okay. And don’t worry about taking a while, really. I understand.

Anyway, as for Janelle’s attitude towards Samantha in this chapter, you’ve pretty much got the gist of it. What I was trying to do was to show even though there is a large part of her that is scared/confused by her sexuality and her revelations, deep down, Samantha’s still her best friend.  She still cares about her very much and those feelings aren’t going to vanish overnight. However, I found it very difficult to write that effectively and instead slipped too much into Janelle being overtly homophobic, which is much easier to portray :/ Obviously there is an element of homophobia to it and I didn’t want to shy away from that, but I do think I went overboard and you’re not the only one to mention it so I plan on trying to tone it down when I get around to editing.

As for Carey and Wesley, I’m glad you liked their banter xD I originally planned for them to be a lot more hostile towards each other for a lot longer after their last conversation, but when I wrote this chapter it just didn’t seem to fit. That anger and hurt is still there underneath, waiting to be addressed, but they care too much about each other not to try and help each other out I suppose, although things are still pretty awkward between them sometimes.

Anyway, thanks again for the comment :) I’ve only got one chapter left to write for this story, which I hope to get to soon. It’s been way too long already xD There’s so many things I’ve been thinking about for the sequel/threequel that I can’t wait to get to and it feels very strange that I’m almost there :P

Yay! I’m so glad you continued this story :) Anyway I have to say, Kayla and Ariana really suck at keeping their knowledge of magic under wraps :P I’m not surprised that Snow suspects something xD Moving on, I really liked the way you described Snow’s dream. It was very vivid and creepy :P Oh and I noticed something – the fact the spot where the school was where the big whirling portal was in Snow’s vision – I wonder if that has something to do with the events at school during the storm, when Nikki and Clara were locked away for a while. But then, now I think about it JTG was the one to do that. Never mind :P Still, it’s interesting that the gates of hell or whatever appear to be located near the school. Looks like we’ve got a Sunnydale sitch goin’ on here :P I was also glad (but creeped out) to finally get to see Sebastian in the not-flesh. It was interesting to see his interaction with Emilia, too. I feel sorry for her even though she’s kind of evil. I wonder, was she a normal girl before all this went down, or did Sebastian create her from scratch? If the former is true that just makes her story even sadder :( Still, I’m excited to see what happens there.

Anyway, like I mentioned before, I’m a little over dragons but I thought it was a cool scene with Ancalagon and I’m excited to see what you do with this part of the lore. You seem to have put a lot more thought into it than most dragons in fiction so I don’t think my dragon fatigue will affect me that much :P Still, she seems very interesting and I’m excited to learn more about the dragons in general in this world.

I really liked the second half of the chapter, with Zoe and Snow’s training sessions. The magic in this world seems very interesting and unique, so well done there :) It was really cool to see Snow going through the different emotions, trying to find her trigger. I’m immensely curious what everyone else’s triggers are xD And I’m also glad you didn’t go for the cliché and make Snow’s trigger be love :P Especially since Michael is the one who suggested it. But then, Sara is the one who correctly guessed that Snow’s trigger is really hate, which makes me wonder… She definitely seems to be the one who knows Snow best, anyway. I feel sorry for Snow, though. I have no idea how common it is for the trigger to be a negative emotion (I’d imagine it’s common as they tend to be very intense and therefore bode well for magic-using) but I’m sure she will see this as a failure, even though I don’t think it is at all :(

One thing I did find odd is when Zoe called Fate a ‘bitch’. I’ve found it a little weird when characters referred to her this way before, but coming from Zoe (since she’s this extremely powerful witch and everything) it sounded especially strange. It’s just… It’s hard to explain, but it feels like an oddly mundane insult to use for an almost God-like being :P It just felt out of place.

Anyway, before I go I have to ask - Have you ever played Skyrim? Just that I’m seeing a lot of references to it. But I know that Skyrim itself shares similarities with D&D and other role-playing games so I’m not sure if it’s just a coincidence. Maybe you’re actually referencing D&D and I’m just confusing it with references to Skyrim because that’s all I know, having played D&D only once in my life :P Anyway, I only recently started playing so I didn’t notice before if they are deliberate xD Anyway, this was a very interesting chapter and I'm looking forward to the next one :)

Thanks so much for the comment! Heh, well I’d hardly say Sam is the character who’s been tortured the most in this story. I torture evvveerrryyybody xD And also, she isn’t the only gay character – just the only confirmed one, for now :P Anyway, I can’t say that I was writing shorter paragraphs on purpose. It’s just kind of turning out that way xD I think it’s because I’m trying to be more focused and not go off onto tangents as much, which is how I usually end up stretching my chapters to enormous lengths :P

Anyway, thanks for all your critiques! It would be very helpful if you made that list of stuff I repeat a lot, thanks :) But please take all the time you want, I don’t want to inconvenience you too much. Anyway, I’m not sure when I will finish the other one. I feel like with the mindset I’m in right now I should finish it much sooner than this one, but I don’t want to make any promises because I thought I’d finish this chapter a lot quicker than I ended up doing xD

Thanks so much for the comment! Heh, sorry for all the nightmare fuel xD I hate horror movies with a passion but for some reason I enjoy writing scenes like that one. I don’t know what that says about me :P Anyway, I’m glad you liked the second half of the chapter. That was the part that gave me the most trouble so I’m happy it’s semi-passable :P And damn, there goes my plan for the next chapter of everyone sitting down with Victor to quietly discuss their grievances over a cup of tea xD Now I gotta think of something else.

Anyway, as for the Gifted sensing each other, I think I have mentioned very briefly in passing before (although I really need to draw attention to it, like you point out) but essentially they feel a strong sense of belonging when they meet someone who also has a Gift. The reason they feel this is a secret, but it has to do with how the Gifted’s powers came to be and their origin. However Carey’s Gift (and Reagan’s, too) isn’t as easy to sense as the others because reasons :P

Thanks for the comment and your helpful critiques :) I was trying to show Janelle as split between the part of her that cares about Samantha and has been friends with her for five years, and then the part of her that is scared/confused by her sexuality. I found it very difficult to do though and clearly I didn’t do a very good job xD I’ll try to make it more balanced, and also to play up her confusion rather than overt homophobia.

As for when I’ll get to the next chapter, I’ve actually already written the first half of it, so it probably won’t take me long once I find the time to finish it. Getting past this chapter really helped though. I feel a lot more excited about writing Cursed again especially since I'm close to the end, while before all I could see was the frustration and millions of rewrites that I went through with this chapter. I’ve always hated writing chapters like this one (where lots of little things happen) and last time I got stuck for ages it was on a similar sort of chapter. I think I’m going to try and avoid them in the sequel/threequel as best I can and make the POVs more focused. Anyway, I probably won’t be able to update this weekend because I’m on call for the first time (O.o), but the weekend after that I think I’ll be able to get it finished.

“It’s just a pleasure house, Cass. What could possibly go wrong?” Oh, Nathan xD Uttering this particular sentence doomed everything to go very wrong indeed. Such is the law of the universe :P Anyway, overall I really liked this chapter. So far I’d say Nathan is probably my favourite character. I love his “machines are better than people” ‘tude and he’s just so gosh darn adorkable xD I really liked the scene where he’s negotiating with Oscar. One thing I thought I’d mention is that I do think you do a good job of explaining what’s going on for Sci-fi noobs like me xD When Oscar and Nathan were discussing artificial life and how it works in the world, I didn’t space out (okay, that was a terrible pun xD) and have no idea what’s going on like I often do when reading hard core sci-fi stuff. Even my beloved Red Rising series I had to read each page twice in the beginning to understand what was going on xD Anyway, I loved that scene and the way you built up tension and explained the gravity of the situation when Oscar asks for a copy of Nathan’s program without beating me over the head with a stick about it. I can understand just from the way the characters are acting and the brief explanations you give why someone like Oscar getting his hands on a copy of Cassie would be a very bad thing indeed.

I also really liked the chase scene and seeing the part at the end from Nathan’s point of view. It wasn’t at all boring even though we’d seen a small chunk of it before. I liked the way it ended too, with them parting as kinda friends and heading peacefully back to their ships, even though there is that underlying threat of what Oscar will do to Nathan. I believe Lucy, I doubt he’s heard the last of this even if he did give Oscar a fake name. By the way, I thought I’d mention this but I find it absolutely hilarious that this seedy and ruthless guy is named Oscar of all things xD I always imagine Oscar as a sweet, sensitive name :P And also someone close to me is called Oscar, although I don’t want to say exactly who he is here, but he’s who I imagine when I think of that name and it makes me laugh xD Anyway, moving on from that, overall I really enjoyed this chapter. It’s probably been my favourite so far and I’m very curious to see where the story goes from here.

Firstly, I really loved the opening scene of Lucy going into the bridge and going pure fangirl about the ship xD I mean, I’m someone who is pretty thoroughly uninterested in how any sort of vehicle/machine works, as long as it’s doing its job properly, but her raw enthusiasm managed to get me excited too :P I really loved that scene because we saw that tough, this-world-sucks-everyones-out-for-themselves exterior break down for a moment and her inner fangirl was released. It was very sweet and I loved that extra layer it added to her character.

Anyway, I liked (although it was sad) getting to learn more about Jack and how he and the other mutineers took control of the ship and held it. That whole scene was really emotional and I could clearly feel the weight of what happened and how it still effects him. I also like his commitment to doing the right thing and feeling regret for what happened. It contrasted well with Lucy’s world-weary view on the Borderworlds. Personally, I’m on Jack’s side. I don’t believe being noble/idealistic and thinking the world can change is the same as being naïve, as Lucy seems to think. I mean, if everyone just believes the Borderworlds can never change, then they never will. The world only changes for the good if people have a vision for a better future and are willing to fight for it. That’s my philosophy, anyway xD I liked that conversation between them because I do find this to be a very interesting topic. It’s easy to be cynical, I think it takes real courage to stand up for what you believe in and fight for it despite the odds. Even in a place as terrible as the Borderworlds xD That said, I do understand why Lucy thinks the way she does, with all she’s seen and all she’s been through. I hope after spending some time with Jack and Co., she’ll start to see that anyone or any place is capable of changing for the better, no matter how hopeless it may seem. Anyway, sorry for going on that little rant xD Like I said, I find this theme very interesting, so I’m curious to see where you go with it.

Anyway, moving on to Flynn, I automatically cringed at his introduction, which in my opinion is a good thing xD Anyone who introduces himself as a “genuine badass motherfucker” is a prime candidate to be a douchebag in my mind. I hate ‘bad boy’ characters with a passion, so I’m already very set to dislike him. Still, that doesn’t mean I think he’s a “bad character with no purpose in life” a’la Littlefinger in the last few seasons of GoT :P I’m very curious to see what his role will be.

Finally, I was very interested by that ending. I didn’t expect the two storylines to meet up so soon, so that was a big surprise. Particularly since it was in such a tense and frightening way. I’m very curious to see what happens next. Since I don’t yet have wifi in my new unit (they are being hella slow at setting up) I’ll comment on the next chapter right away while I’m still in the public library xD

“twang of southern drawl” Ok, this is really picky of me, but I think you should be more specific about what type of southern accent Flynn has. I assume you probably meant American, but to misquote the Ninth doctor, Lots of planets have a south! :P It’s the little things that bug me xD

Anyway, there was also one scene I found a little jarring – the bit where Lucy talks back to Enrique and he starts laughing instead of getting mad. Now, don’t misunderstand me, I didn’t think it was a bad scene, it’s just something I feel like only happens in books, you know? I know this is a book, but still :P The young hot woman on a spaceship talks back to some high-ranking officer and gets nothing but admiration feels like something that would never actually happen, even if the world in this story was real. And I get it was probably supposed to show how he’s more easy-going than he first appears, but it still bothered me and took me out of the story for a moment so I thought I would mention it.

Thanks for the comment! Haha, murder hobo xD I love it. Anyway, I’m glad you liked this chapter :) I always find action-heavy chapters very difficult to write so I’m glad it came across well. As for trusting the Devons, the only real reason we have to trust them is they’re the side out protagonist has accidentally fallen in league with. Even Morgan himself – even if he’s a very nice person, he could still be involved in some hella shady stuff xD

And although this will be made clear in the next chapter anyway, I thought I’d mention it: Morgan and Diana are not blood-related :P Morgan is part of the Devon clan/group/whatever you want to call it, but he is not part of the biological Devon family. When Morgan says his family would kill Tina if they found out what she knew, he’s referring to his “gang family” (for lack of a better term, but this is where the gangsters part comes into it I suppose xD) rather than just his actual relatives. The Devon clan is made up of a few different families and Morgan comes from one of the other ones, while Diana is the daughter of the leader of their clan and thus actually has the surname Devon :P The Rex clan has a different structure, but the same can be said for them in that not all of their members will be part of the Rex family. 

Oh and thanks! Right now I’m more nervous than excited, but I’m trying my best xD

This was another great chapter. You’ve obviously done lots of research about the effects of hurricanes and hurricane relief services, so I found it interesting and engaging to read. I liked the further build up of Percy and Malcolm’s relationship, cultimating in their kiss there at the end. I was like “D’awwwwwwww” :P Its sweet that after all of Percy’s anxiety, it seems that Malcolm really does like him too. I’m really curious but nervous to see what happens now his parents have arrived. I assume someone notified them so it seems they care enough about Malcolm to show up when he’s injured. I hope that they will be able to look past their prejudices, however begrudgingly. Still, I’m not all that optimistic since they just kicked him out of the house a few hours ago. But I’ll wait and see!

Here are my usual nitpicks:

“Shiloette of a man”

“We couldn’t afford to be seperated now”

“because that would have left sharpnel”

“everyone seemed to droan on about”

“you’re even clumpsier”

“examined by what seemed to be a Doctor” I thought it was a little odd the way doctor was capitalised throughout the chapter – unless it’s referring to someone’s direct title (e.g. Doctor Smith) I don’t think it needs to be.

“Percy screamed louder than anyone I ever heard…” in the paragraph starting with this sentence, I was confused if you were talking about Malcolm or Percy. When I first read it I thought Percy was the one who’d injured his face, which confused me since Malcolm had been hit. Then I realised it was probably meant to mean Malcolm – it might be best to use his name a bit more rather than just “he”, “his” etc.

“He was shaking, maybe as a sign of pneumonia” – I know Hannah probably doesn’t have medical knowledge, but I think it would be more accurate for to think he’s shaking from the cold, or hypothermia. Pneumonia refers specifically to infection/inflammation of the lungs. Malcolm would certainly be in danger of this, given he’s hypothermic and probably immunocompromised, but unless he was showing respiratory symptoms it seems a stretch to assume pneumonia at this point.

Sorry for being so late with this :/ Anyway, this was another great chapter. I liked the tension and franticness of the story as the hurricane hits and they’re searching for Malcolm. I can’t say I’ve ever been in a hurricane (or cyclones, as we call them here) so I’m not the best judge, but it seemed realistic to me :P I’m very glad they found Malcolm in the end though, and he seems to be okay (physically, at least) for now.

I also really liked the way you portrayed the characters relationships ad their reactions to the dire situation they find themselves in. I usually hate love triangles with a passion (I’ve been scarred by them before :P) but I actually really like the one you’ve built here. I loved how Hannah is starting to realise she’s the third wheel (although I feel a bit sorry for her. I always do) and seems pretty at peace with it, even encouraging Percy to tell Malcolm the truth. I’m not sure about Malcolm himself, though – regardless of whether he returns Percy’s feelings, he doesn’t seem in the right frame of mind for a relationship right now so I’m not sure how he’ll react if Percy does tell him. Anyway, overall this was a thoroughly enjoyable and tense chapter and I’m anxious to see what happens next as they are cast back out into the storm.

I don’t have much else to say, so here are some nitpicks:

 “that he would disspear and end up as a missing person”

“Like the other ninty nine times”

“shoveled some pasta and mince into a seperate pan”

“The wind howeled through invisible creaks in the wall and windows”

‘“He won’t.” she assured me’ this line is making it sound like Hannah thinks Malcolm won’t feel the same way, when I feel you were intending the opposite. Otherwise, it seems a bit mean of her to say that right after telling Percy she knows he likes him xD

Thanks for the comment! Heh, Morgan really is to blame for everything that’s happened so far :P Anyway, I’m glad you liked this chapter and thanks for pointing out the thing with the city seeming too empty. I always struggle when I write action scenes to include details about the environment, so thanks for drawing my attention to it in this case. As for their clothes, I do imagine them literally all wearing black from head to toe, with no other distinguishing features :P They’re all wearing bodysuit-esque outfits to conceal their identities. Still, I’ll try and find another way to describe it so it doesn’t seem so repetitive! Thanks again :D

Sorry for being late again :/ Anyway, overall I really liked this chapter. I thought it was very interesting and I love all the details. I’ll admit that I, as a total science fiction noob, don’t understand most of the space-ship stuff, but I do think it’s cool even though it totally goes over my head for the most part xD I liked meeting this new crew and I’m really curious to see if they ever cross paths with Lucy and the rest of the gang. They did mention the UEG destroyer ship thing which I presume is the same one they are on so I got excited, but I think it might be a while before they all meet.

Anyway, like I said I really liked all of the characters introduced in this chapter and I’m curious to see where this goes. Nathan I especially liked – I loved the way you characterised him and I could clearly feel that he was awkward and more comfortable around computers and Cassie, even before he said so directly later in the narration. I liked Cassie too, and I’m curious to see where the story goes. I feel like all this backstory of that other AI going rogue and killing the Captain’s family is some kind of ominous foreshadowing. I mean, like Nathan said she seems very invested in ensuring she is easily killable if the time comes, but I wonder if some antagonist/villain will ever try and make her go rogue… I’m not sure how or why that would happen, but I don’t know. I just get a vibe :P Sorry for that rambling mess of a paragraph, by the way xD

“There have been an estimated 115 murders in the capital city in the last twelve hours.” This is something I found a little odd, because if Venezia has a population of around 200000, how can society continue to function when the population is dying so quickly? 115 murders in 12 hours would be far higher than the birth rate so I don’t think the population would plausibly be sustainable. Even counting outside visitors, I thought this murder rate seemed a bit odd and a little too high to be realistic.

Still, despite that one gripe I did overall really enjoy this chapter. I’m very curious to see what happens next, and if the Rubicon’s crew will meet up with Lucy and Co. Like I said I don’t think it will happen for a while, if it does at all, but I’m sure it it’ll be interesting nonetheless. Oh, and Merry Christmas for tomorrow! I hope you're having a great time. It’s technically Christmas in 10 minutes here, but I assume it is still well into Christmas eve for you xD

Thanks so much for all the comments :) Heh, well I wasn’t sneering but I did find it amusing when you mentioned the originality thing :P It’s a comment I get quite a lot and I never quite know what to say when people tell me that, because I know it’s not going to matter in the long run but I can’t say why. Like I said, though, I do think it’s a valid critique to make, if he was going to stay alive :P

Yay, I’m glad 256 has such a loyal fan xD I’m happy because when I started writing Gifted I was worried people wouldn’t like him, because he’s sort of supposed to be a subversion of the typical main YA male character – you know, that angsty bad boy who treats everyone really badly including his love interest, but it’s ok because occasionally he’ll perform acts of basic human decency :P Anyway, overall he seems to be quite popular so I’m glad. I’m happy you liked the scene of him learning to write, too – I tried to remember what it was like learning to write all those years ago and I wasn’t sure if it was realistic. I’m left-handed myself and I remember I used to always accidentally write my letters backwards, so I added that in at some point (although I can’t remember when :P).

As for Janelle’s nickname being kind of similar to mine, that was very much an accident lol. I actually really hate it when people give characters similar names to their own xD Ironically, I very rarely call people by nicknames, even though I am almost always referred to by my own nickname :P So I always think of Janelle as Janelle, but I wanted Alex to have his own name for her and the most obvious nickname I could think of was Jan – her parents had already called dibs on Ella xD So she ended up with an in-story nickname that is very close to my own and it bothers me. Anyway, I wouldn’t say I relate to her the most. I think I relate to all three of the main characters equally for different reasons, but also because they are all unconfident people like me :P

Anyway, moving onto Maui – while he may seem rather unnecessary at this point (I don’t disagree about that), he does have an important role in the future. I couldn’t really introduce him any later than I did because Hahana has a larger role to play and he’s meant to be her bodyguard of sorts. Unfortunately, this means that he does remain in the background for the majority of Cursed. He has a few moments, though – one’s coming up fairly soon, I think, if I remember right xD Still, he’s not going to suddenly start talking a lot and being very active in the plot, because Maui is naturally a quiet and shy person. Even if they were speaking a language he’s familiar with he would still be rather quiet and passive. Anyway, Maui has his reasons for being a passive person, and we’ll learn a little more about his past in Cursed. We’ll learn a bit more about Hahana and her parents too. For the most part, though, Maui’s waiting very patiently for his plot to start :P As for changing his name, I probably will do that at some point. I didn’t know about the Maui in Polynesian mythology when I created him, I just found it in a list of Maori/Hawaiian names and I liked it so I chose it for him. Hahana has a Maori name but it’s more obscure so I’ll probably leave it, but Maui’s I have considered changing in the past because of that reason. I’m attached to him with that name now, though, which makes it difficult xD I probably will change it at some point because I know I really should, but I’m not in a rush to do it right now.

Thanks so much for all the comments! And sorry I haven’t replied promptly again :/ Heh, the innkeeper at their previous base was Marvin’s adopted sister, not his wife :P So as far as Janelle knows, he doesn’t have a wife. As for Reagan, he is  the character I've always found hardest to write. His role in the story is rather complicated and I always struggle with it. When I get to editing this I’m definitely going to try and improve on his scenes because he just feels really inconsistent to me most of the time :/ Anyway, while I think your concerns about Carey losing her originality are definitely grounded, it’s not something I’m really worried about at this point. The reason why will become clearer in time :P

Oh, and 256 acts weird towards Samantha because he (unlike Carey and pretty much all the other characters) doesn’t know that Samantha and 805 are related, since he was unconscious at the time that went down. So he is very confused when he meets her because she looks just like him (‘cos genetics totally work like that! :P) and he’s too much of a noob to figure things out. So when Carey thinks “the latter would be too entertaining to pass up”, she means that she thinks it would be funny to not tell him about Samantha being 805’s daughter and see how long it takes for him to figure it out. Sorry about that, I’ll make it clearer! Thanks again! :D

Overall, this was my favourite chapter so far. There was so much interesting stuff going on and I have so many questions, which is always my favourite position to be in xD I love fantasy stories that keep everything mysterious and don’t reveal everything at once, so I really liked this chapter and am enjoying the story in general a lot. The reveal of the Erukhians was probably my favourite part, and I’m very curious to learn more about them. I’m wondering why they decided to search for a new Queen (or King, in Moya’s case) in Eldruin, particularly if there aren’t many women there in the first place. Although they probably didn’t know that, but still. I also liked what we saw of Moya (aside from the one gripe I mention below :P) and similar to Kannar, I like how she contrasted with Akhs. Although it was in a different way than Kannar did. She seems very upbeat to me and very sure of herself. I felt sorry for poor Akhs but it was also kind of funny how she ropes him into her mission to find a husband.

“I averted my eyes as I realized they weren’t, uh, well covered.” This line seemed a little odd to me because I would’ve thought he would have noticed sooner :P

“Someone else came out. A girl with her like their leader.” This line confused me. At first I thought there were two girls but then there didn’t seem to be later on.

“Well, she could be. If she were alive.” “She lived a happy life.” I found the Moya’s discussion of her mother’s death rather emotionless :P It seemed very strange that she would be so off-hand about it, even if she hated the woman. Even if she doesn’t want to talk about it with Akhs and deflects him with that happy life comment, you could describe a bit more of her body language to convey how she really feels about it. Like, she could be shifting her feet or hesitate before answering, something to convey how uncomfortable the topic is for her. It’s just a thought – I know I am an overly dramatic person so maybe I’m not the best judge, but its those kind of moments and details that help me relate to and feel for characters best I suppose so I would be glad to see more.

I did really like the scene at the end though, with the necklaces. I was happy (but also sad) to see Akhs himself showing a bit of emotion towards his missing parents. I like the subtly of it too. I still think you could go in and have a few more moments like that in other chapters, like I mentioned in my previous comments. I don’t think it would diminish the emotionfulness of this scene. Rather, it would enhance it, as we would see how missing them is a constant feeling for him and it would make it even sadder in my opinion. But then, like I said I am overly dramatic xD Still, I wonder why he wants to leave. My first thought after this chapter was that he wants to leave to go find where his parents have gone, but I also wonder if there is something else I don’t know about that he is searching for. Either way, it’s surely going to be interesting! Oh, and after reading this chapter, I do think if you’re going to re-arrange the chapters it would be better to combine the 4^th and 3^rd chapters together. I think this opening scene works really well as it is for this one.

I have to say, it was a pretty adorable scene when Akhs (Hah!) gave Mosu to Kannar xD Even if you don’t end up writing romance between them, I’m still shipping their friendship. There is a bit of underlying creepiness though, because like I said with the last chapter I am slightly suspicious Mosu is some kind of demon-esque creature so I am worried for Kannar now he is alone with him. That slight wiggle Akhs mentioned him doing made me even more convinced he is not just imaginary xD I didn’t get an ominous vibe from Kannar himself in this chapter, though – he was very selfless the way he agreed to stay back and distract the earth spirits or whatever else it was making that sound, so I trust him more now.

I do think this chapter seems a little short compared to the others, so it might be a good idea to combine it with one of them. It didn’t really bother me when reading and this little chapter is still well-written, it just seems a little odd I guess when the other chapters are much longer. It seems like a single scene, rather than a full chapter. I think this could be added to the end of the previous chapter, although I’ll wait and see if it would be better added to the next one.

“The earthly calls was too loud for me to tell where it was from, but it was getting closer.”

I did find the ending a bit confusing, particularly the last line. It seemed a little out of place but I feel like it might be because there is a secret I don’t know yet that would help explain it (If so, feel free to ignore this). I mean, I assume he’s referring to his parents leaving and now Kannar is too, but it’s not like Kannar is leaving by choice, since he’s about to face the earth spirits/whatever else is behind that noise. I don’t know,for some reason I just found it a little jarring. Like I said, though, I feel it might be because there is some secret I don’t understand.

Thanks so much for the comments and as always for your honest critiques. I’m not sure if I will add Zeian words to the story – ideally I would like to, but I don’t have the time/energy to make up my own language like Dothraki in Game of Thrones, which would be ideal. That means I would have to use a real world language, probably one or a mix of the Polynesian languages (this is what I have used for inspiration when choosing names of people/places), but because I don’t know anyone who speaks any of those languages I wouldn’t really want to use it, as I don’t trust online translations xD Not to mention, aside from using the language for names of people/places Zeia doesn’t really resemble any Polynesian country or culture, as it is not based on anything in particular. So I’m not sure if it would be right for me to use more of their language. Still, if I ever do have time, I would like to figure out some way to include it because as you say it would read a lot better.

Also, you’re absolutely right about some aspects of that storyline coming across as racist. I’ll be honest, it’s something I have thought of many times before and it bothers me quite a bit. I know that it comes across as a white saviour narrative with what we know right now, but I hope that as more about Zeia and Hahana and Maui’s mission is revealed that it will not come across that way anymore. I personally don’t think it does, but then I’m white so I’m naturally not the best judge. It’s difficult because that storyline had to be put on the backburner for a long time (due to various things) so we don’t learn a lot more about it for a long while. I haven’t even written it yet xD That said, I will say that even in these chapters Hahana is greatly exaggerating the importance of their mission. She does this for two reasons. Firstly, she is a dramatic person and she’s proud to have been chosen for it, so she wants to talk it up. Secondly, she’s trying to get them to feel sorry for her and get them on her side. What she is exaggerating I will leave up to your imagination xD Still, I will definitely take out those words (I didn’t even realise O.o) and make them more competent fighters. My intention was that they did not expect Carey to suddenly turn invisible, since as far as they know only the four elemental Gifts exist, so that really threw them off. Additionally, they also have a lot less “field” experience than Carey and Samantha. Still, it won’t hurt to extend that scene and make them show off some more skill.

As for Carey’s dialogue, the racist tone is deliberate to some extent, although I do think I went overboard in this chapter. You’re right, she shouldn’t be so blasé about killing them. Still, her thoughts and the way she reacts to them seems racist because she is racist. The vast majority of the Islanders are, some more obviously so than others. Most of them will not be outright discriminating and rude to them, but they will always view them as less human than lighter-skinned people. It’s subtle most of the time, but it’s there. Since Hahana and Maui are only two people, the Islanders don’t often feel threatened, but this might change if any of them somehow wind up meeting more Zeian people…

Anyway, sorry for that essay xD Like I said, this is something I have worried and thought about multiple times before. When I first wrote it I didn’t realise how it came across, but later on I did and it bothered me a lot. Thank you again for the comments and the critiques. I'll do my best to get to your story tomorrow! :)

Thanks for both of your comments and all your honest critiques. It’s been a while so I don’t quite remember, but Carey’s part of chapter 2 is probably there mostly because I didn’t want Janelle to get 2 full POV chapters in a row xD Her plot in both of these chapters needs a lot of work :/ She has something much more interesting to do (at least, I hope it’s interesting xD) starting with the next chapter, but for these 2 she kind of just phafs around. There is some smidgens of important stuff in there though, so I’ll do my best to rework it when I get to editing. Thanks for your help and tips regarding the opening lines as well – they’re something I still struggle with now so it’s very useful. Somehow, writing interesting and engaging opening lines is a skill that continues to evade me xD

I’m really sorry my story made you feel that way :( Please don’t ever feel obligated to continue reading Cursed if whatever topic it is you’re sensitive to keeps coming up. Like I said before, I am happy if you’d rather review A City of War instead. And you don’t need to tell me either, not if you don’t want to. If you do wish to tell me in a PM, then I’d try and listen and provide support, but don’t feel like you are obligated to.

I feel very repetitive saying this, but once again I think you’ve done a great job at world-building in this chapter. I like how the rivers are made up of this watery-sand too – another interesting little fact. I liked the scene where he’s teaching Kannar to fish and all the detail you put into it – it really immerses you right into this world. I think you introduced Kannar’s character well, too. At first I wasn’t sure what to think of him, but the way he killed that sandshark at the end gave me insight into his character. He seems much bolder and more reckless than Aksh, and they are contrasted well. Overall, I’m very curious to see how his character and their relationship develops. I’m also keeping a suspicious eye on Kannar because I feel like maybe he’s involved with the thieves somehow. He didn’t really do anything to deserve this, but for some reason I get an ominous vibe from him :P The ending was very intriguing too, and I think you described the sound well and I’m very curious to learn what caused it.

Also, I’m feeling oddly suspicious of Mosu right now. Maybe I’m just being paranoid, but some of the things he said in this chapter made me wonder if he isn’t actually just an imaginary friend like I had assumed earlier. I mean, the way his eyes seemed to glow and some of the things he said made me wonder if he’s actually some kind of magical demon-esque thing. Or maybe he is just an imaginary friend and he’s a manifestation of Aksh’s self-doubting subconscious xD Either way, I think their interactions are very interesting.

Anyway, one thing I noticed was that there’s been a few missed opportunities to expand on Aksh’s relationship/lack thereof with his parents. Like in this chapter, when he mentions how his mother used to scold him, or in the last one when he mentions the two girls were his mum’s friend’s daughters. I feel like you could easily add in something about his mum – is he sad she’s no longer here to scold him? Is he happy she’s gone? Etc. I know some of it may be spoilers as clearly we are not meant to know where they’ve gone right now, but I think it would be good to learn more about Aksh’s relationships with his parents. It might help us understand and connect a bit more to Aksh. Not to mention if they did have a loving relationship and he really misses them, then I’ll feel and understand his loneliness even better than I already do.

Here are my nitpicks:

I sighed. I shouldn’t have told her about the thieves…” Since this is first person, I think you can leave this sentence un-italicised

“He unfurled the masks as I made sure” *masks while I

“And there’s no need to call me Mr.” This might just be me, but I think this would look better if you wrote mister rather than Mr.

“The fish here must release a scent when they die. It’s attracting predators.” I may be wrong about this, but won’t the fish’s blood attract predators anyway? I wasn’t sure if that was what Aksh meant or if it was some other special scent. And if it is their blood, wouldn’t Aksh already know that? 

Oh, and to answer your question from before – I don’t think these chapters really need to be merged/lengthened/shortened, they begin and end in logical places and I think they’re fine on their own. You did say the next few chapters, though, so I’ll see how the next chapter fits in too. Sorry if this comment doesn’t make much sense, by the way. It feels a bit scattered to me.

I found this chapter a lot less confusing than the last one, so good job on that. Once again, I really like the world-building and the way you subtle way you convey things. For example, the dialogue during the tea scene conveyed nicely that water is scarce in their world. Since it’s a desert world, it makes perfect sense (even if they didn’t bathe in sand :P) but I think it’s something most people would have forgotten. And speaking of bathing in sand, I really liked that detail too. It’s cool how sand seems to be a form of water in this series – I mean, he mentions the smell is gone from his clothes so clearly it has some kind of cleansing ability. Once again, I think it’s a cool concept and definitely adds to the intrigue and mystery of this desert world.

I also really liked the opening scene of this chapter, with Ailith. She seems like a very interesting and wise character, so I’m curious to see what her role will be. I enjoyed her sass xD I also thought Red’s name was interesting. It doesn’t really fit into a town where people are called Aksh and Ailith. I wonder if it’s a nickname and if so, why he’s called that. Or maybe he’s from another land, which would be interesting too.

One thing I did think was that the scene with the two little girls seemed a little… sudden, at first. I didn’t really get where you were going with it and it seemed a little out of place. You did explain a bit of it afterwards by saying that children were able to wander in and out all the time because he doesn’t technically own his house. Still, I felt like you could explain a bit beforehand as well. What kind of relationship does Aksh and the girls have? You said they were the daughters of his mum’s friend – did they visit all the time when his parents were around? Do they get along? Etc.

Here are some nitpicks:

“Ailith’s husband, Red, Came out of the kitchen” *came

“There was a couple girls sitting on the cushions” *couple of girls

“We made our own!!”, “Would you like some more??” I don’t know if everyone does this, but I was always taught not to use multiple exclamation points or question marks in a row

“sending shivers down our spines” I thought this line seemed to break POV a bit – how does Aksh knows the others felt the same way he did? It might be better to just say “sending a shiver down my spine” or something like that. Gosh, you know I mustn’t have anything else to say if I’m complaining about things like this :P Anyway, overall I liked this chapter and the short introduction it gave to Aksh’s everyday life. As always, let me know if you have any questions.

Thanks so much for the comment! I usually see Gifted/Cursed/Future books as one very long story I have to split up for practical reasons, so Cursed does follow very directly on what’s come before and there will be a lot of call-backs to events that have happened far in the past as the story goes on. So I do think it’s probably a good idea that you revisit Gifted in some way - I can write you a recap which I’ll send later as a PM and hopefully that will be enough. Sorry about that, I should have thought of this before!

For now, I’ll say that their “efforts” refers to them stealing weapons from the factories in town. So what Janelle means in that line (The others have to get away as quickly as possible, or our efforts will have gone to waste) is that if the rebels don’t get away quickly with the weapons, the Gifted will arrive to take back the town forcefully and all that they’ve gained will be lost. Although on reflection I think that’s just a weird and confusing way to word it so I’ll edit it anyway xD Oh, and the hostage they’re referring to is 256 (the Gifted boy) as he is not there by choice, which I’ll explain more of in the recap. And you’re right, he is a Gift of Fire :P

Anyway, I’m a little confused by your second question – this story is already in third person so maybe you meant to put first person? If so, the reason I wrote it in third person is because there are often POV changes within a chapter so I thought it would be less confusing than if it was in first person. And I am personally not a fan of writing “So-and-so’s POV” as a heading because I feel it interrupts the story, so that kind of pushed me away from first person I suppose. Does that make sense?

And thanks for all the helpful constructive criticism. Don’t worry about being too harsh! You can never be too harsh, I think :P Particularly since I really am not at all happy with the quality of these early chapters in particular. I have around 5-6 chapters left to write before I reach the end of this story, and once I’m done with it my plan is to go back and do lots of editing before I start the next one. Particularly on these first 15 or so chapters, which I feel are the worst. So yeah, feel free to rip into this story as much as you like xD Thank you again for commenting. I'll try to get that recap and a couple of comments on your story done tonight.

Sorry for taking so long to get to this :/ I’ve been busy these past couple of weeks sorting out some things, which I’ll explain more of in my next PM. Anyway, overall I think this was a really good opening chapter. I really like the characters we’ve been introduced to and there’s a lot of intrigue and mystery here that I’m keen to read more. I do think you’re a tad heavy on the exposition in this chapter, though. It’s quite a lot to read through and I don’t really think it’s all wholly necessary at this point. I don’t read/watch space-centred sci-fi much (aside from my beloved Red Rising/Doctor Who) so I’m not entirely sure what the conventions of the genre are, but… Overall, I feel like there’s a lot of info here that we don’t have to know right at this point. And while it is interesting, it would be even more intriguing/mysterious to leave it for a later date, or to let us figure out how the world works through the character’s dialogue/interactions only. Particularly since the exposition is mostly told through chunks of narration instead.

That whinging aside, though, like I said I really like the way you introduced the characters in this chapter. I think you’ve done a great job with Lucy in particular – even if I didn’t already know some of her backstory from that prequel chapter, I feel like I understand her a lot already and why she’s become who she is. She feels so world-weary and cynical and so much older than 15, which really shows the toll that life in the Borderworlds has taken on her. That just further emphasises how horrible a place they are to be, which is some great world-building through her character. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense, by the way. I’m tired :P

Anyway, I also really liked the introduction of the Retribution’s crew. My favourite so far is Phoebe – that scene between her and Lucy was probably my favourite in the whole chapter (aside from the nitpick I mention below :P). I loved hearing how she joined the crew and how much her story and character contrasts with Lucy. She seems so optimistic and excited about seeing the world, which is a great foil to Lucy’s aforementioned world-weariness and cynicism. Please don’t kill her :P I’m worried. She just seems like the optimistic person who gets killed to show how horrible the world really is xD I hope I’m wrong.

I also found the ending very intriguing, especially Lucy mentioning how she trusted someone before and (presumably) was betrayed. My mind jumped straight to Garrett from the prequel story. He seems like the most likely candidate right now, but obviously I could be completely wrong. Regardless, I’m very curious to see how that storyline goes. Oh, and I didn’t realise this on my first read-through, but I went back and read through the prequel story you posted after I read this chapter and I noticed that Lucy named her dog after the Callie, the woman she killed. I thought that was a pretty cute but sad detail. By the way, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive you if Callie the dog ever gets into any danger. I don’t quite know why, but animal endangerment is that thing that I just cannot stand to read/watch in any kind of story. I can read through gore and violence against humans almost without batting an eye, but animals? Nope nope nope :P I just fall apart.

Anyway, here is the nitpick I mentioned earlier - I’m sorry in advance, because I feel this is mean and overly pedantic of me to say but I can’t help but mention it. This line bothered me quite a bit: “He tried doing it in here and I zapped him with a defibrillator.” Defibrillators don’t just give someone a nasty zap, they’re used to literally stop the heart when an abnormal rhythm is present, and then CPR is started if it isn’t replaced immediatey by a normal heart rhythm. That’s why it’s total bullshit on medical shows when the doctors randomly defibrillate someone who’s flatlining, because a defibrillator won’t do anything at all if there isn’t a heart rhythm to stop :P Anyway, using one on someone who is presumably healthy has a high chance of stopping their heart and killing them. So unless that was Phoebe’s intention, I doubt she would have used it on Torque. Also, I don’t think someone in the medical profession (be it human or veterinary) would use valuable equipment so callously, even if it did just give him a shock. At least, I really hope they wouldn’t. Sorry for sounding so pedantic and pretentious, by the way, it’s just that things like this stick out like a sore thumb to me :/

Anyway, those nitpicks aside, I think this chapter was a great introduction to the series. There’s a lot of intriguing things going on and the characters seem very interesting so far, so I am looking forward to seeing what happens next. Just please don’t kill the dog! :P

First of all, I really like the world you’re building here :D Maybe it’s just me, but it feels very original and not much like anything I’ve read before so I’m really intrigued and want to learn more about it. You let the readers figure out how the world works and you don’t info-dump, which I like. Still, I do think it wouldn’t hurt if you added a little more exposition though, because I found the story a bit confusing at first as I couldn’t figure out what was going on. Maybe I’m just not very smart and it didn’t last for long, but even so I think a bit more context would be useful. Particularly since this is the first chapter. For example, it took me a while to work out Aksh was the fisherman mentioned in summary. Even if the summary was a little more descriptive I think that would help. At the moment, it doesn’t really tell you much at all other than that 4 interesting-sounding people will be going on an adventure. Still, overall I think you did a great job world-building, I just think that slower readers like myself need a tiny bit more context xD

I find Aksh to be a very interesting character. I like that he seems like a quiet, uncertain person – it’s not a typical fantasy protagonist portrayal, so that immediately makes me warm to him. I’m also very intrigued by his parents and where they’ve got to. Maybe they got caught in whatever it is that’s stopping travellers from visiting the library and town. Although I feel like his parents disappearing happened earlier than that, but still. We'll see!

I also like the way he’s made an imaginary friend out of his protection charm. Although, is Mosu really imaginary? It's hard to tell, especially since this is fantasy xD Still,  It I got the vibe that he doesn't have many human friends or family around him, and maybe he’s lonely. I might be completely wrong about that, but I still feel the need to give him a hug xD

I also found this one nitpick:

“She looked around. There was no one else in sight.” This line kind of stood out to me because I feel it’s superfluous, as when she says “who are you talking to” in the next line it becomes obvious no-one is there. Not to mention it kind of seems to dip into her POV as well. Other than that though, I didn’t see any errors or typos or anything like that.

Anyway, that’s all I can think of right now. Sorry for rambling on so much xD Feel free to ask any questions, if there’s something you want me to comment on that I didn’t mention.

Wow, you really racked up the tension in this chapter :P I thought it was really cool (although it feels weird to say this, given the imminent danger the characters are in, searching for Malcolm while the storm rages on :P) the way you kept stacking it up, with Hannah’s suspension and fallout with her dad and Jess, all while the hurricane is building in the background. You certainly did a great job at that so well done :) I’m very curious and nervous to see what happens, and if they’ll manage to find Malcolm.

That said, though, I did have a couple of minor gripes I thought I would mention. Firstly, some of the drama at the beginning of the chapter confused me a little as I would have thought most schools, regardless of whether they’re in the US or the UK, would have a pretty strict policy regarding physical violence. I wouldn’t think a country’s gun control policies/lack of policies would factor into it so I thought that was a very odd point for the principal to make. I mean, I’ve never been to the UK (although oddly enough, I am technically a citizen :P) but my country also has strict gun control and kids would most certainly be suspended if they punched someone, unless the school was super super dodgy :P

I also thought Jess’s reaction to the whole thing was a little odd. I mean, sure she’d be mad, but it seemed a bit extreme for her to insist Hannah can’t come back to the house and that she should leave the country. It seemed like a little too big a jump for her character to make, considering how understanding and nice she’d been before. Particularly since it’s only been a week in the story. But maybe I’m just misunderstanding things (it’s happened before :P) so take that with a grain of salt xD Anyway, like I said overall I really enjoyed this chapter, and I’ll be waiting anxiously to see if they manage to find Malcolm in time. 

Thanks for the comment :) Heh, I really took the easy way out with this story by making Tina a Naïve Newcomer xD It makes it a lot easier to dish out small bits of exposition at a time when using that trope, as opposed to having the story told from the point of view of characters who know everything already. When I first started sharing my writing I got told off for info-dumping on a regular basis, so it’s something I have had beaten out of me over time :P As for the nuclear wasteland thing, I won’t say anything on the matter. How the world ended isn’t a major spoiler as the mages + their allies are aware of the truth. It will probably be revealed in the relatively near future, but it’s fun to keep it a mystery for now anyway xD

Haha, Sandwich Man was most certainly intended to be a diversion so I’m glad it worked xD When I first wrote that café scene, Mint Guy/Morgan was the only customer present and his sequence was a little longer too. However, I felt that it was way too obvious he was important to the story so Sandwich Man and Chai Girl (to a lesser extent) were born to throw people off the scent xD I even named the chapter after the three of them to lean into it :P Still, I ended up really liking Sandwich Man and his sequence in the chapter, so at one point I did consider giving him a larger role in the story. I won’t say what my final decision was :P Perhaps he is involved with the main plot, or perhaps he’s just an ordinary guy who loves his sandwiches xD

Haha, it’s funny you say that about Diana and Morgan reminding you of yourself and your brother because when I was reading over this story before posting it I realised how much their relationship resembles that of my twin sister and myself xD I guess that really tells you what sort of relationship they have :P 

Anyway, thanks again for the comment. Oh, and congratulations , by the way!!! :D :D :D I won’t say anything here, but I presume you will know what I mean :P

Thanks so much for the comment! Heh, I didn’t realise this when I wrote it, but the way Diana and Morgan talk to each other is a lot like my sister and I :P When I read over it I was like, “Huh. Their pet names for each other are idiot and dumbass too” xD Anyway, Diana is the third most important character after Tina and Morgan, so we’ll certainly be seeing a lot more of her in the near future.

As for the blood transfusion thing, that’s an interesting question you raise. Brace yourself, I’m about to go full on biology nerd on you xD In reality, Tina probably would not have received a blood transfusion even if she had been taken to hospital. Morgan did not transfuse his blood with magic, he sealed her thoracic cavity and also stopped the bleeding from continuing any further. Healing magic is a different area of study to shape-shifting, and one that Morgan’s not very practiced at, so when he says she “lost a lot of blood” it’s his objective opinion and he’s not very accurate. That said, she did lose a decent amount (I mean, she was stabbed :P) and would have probably benefited from some IV isotonic fluids, but blood transfusions are usually only used as a last resort due to the limited supply and risk of transfusion reactions. So if Tina was still losing blood or if she was showing severe clinical signs of hypovolaemia such as collapsing every time she stood up, mental obtundation, etc, she may have needed one definitely to survive. But as it stands her clinical signs are relatively mild and she only collapses after trying to run (which can happen even when you donate blood) so she can get away without having one done. The main thing that was going to kill her was the pneumothorax caused by the puncture wounds in her chest – hence why Morgan sealed the chest cavity. Anyway, that ended up way longer than I intended it to be, I just find stuff like this really interesting xD I Sorry for wasting your time! :P

Oh, and there's no need to apologise for spelling mistakes. I didn't even notice that many anyway, and besides, I make enough of them myself without even being tired xD I hope you're getting a decent amount of rest now after working for so long! :)

Chapters 8-9

Wow, these 2 chapters sure were action-packed – they’re probably my favourite of the story so far :) I think you’ve built up the confrontation and fall-out with Adam releasing his info on Malcolm very well, particularly since it climaxed with the storm you’ve been hinting towards for the whole story. The way the chapter ends, with poor Malcolm outed to everyone and seemingly disowned by his parents, already had me on the edge of my seat but that extra detail about the storm just made everything even more tense and exciting.

This might seem a little random, but I like that your teenage characters actually seem like, well, teenagers :P I don’t know why exactly, but lately I’ve been thinking about how so many teen dramas (books, tv series, and movies – it’s across the board) that star high school students have them feel/act a lot more like young adults. They’re just far too sophisticated for teenagers :P But when I read your series I really feel like your characters are actually teenagers, dealing with high school issues on top of everything else. For example, the way Hannah reacted to Percy’s panic attack – she was acting pretty mature and cool before, but once that happens she runs away and freaks and it seemed like a very real reaction to me, especially for such a youngin’ :P And she then seeks the comfort of an adult who actually is mature enough to know what to say, rather than being a useless lump like most adults in teen dramas xD Anyway, overall like I said I think you write very interesting characters who feel very familiar and real.

I also really like the atmosphere you’ve set up in this story, which is something I forgot to mention before but has been true of all the chapters so far. The setting feels very real and I can imagine what it’s like very clearly, even though I’ve never been there. It’s more than just the setting, too – the way this story is written and makes me feel reminds me of those older romantic comedy/drama movies – particularly since a large number are also set in New York :P

And finally, I’m sorry for taking so long to get to these chapters :/ I read each one pretty soon after you posted it, but I’m a bit of a mess at the moment so I had trouble finding the time/motivation to comment until now. I’ll try to be faster next time.

Thanks for the comment! Heh, years of customer service had prepared me very well for writing this chapter xD It was fun to write about all the little quirks that come with a job like that :P Anyway, I’ll say that you were almost right about the cat being a familiar. In my original draft, that’s exactly what he was, although there was also a second cat who appeared only during the final fight who was the shapeshifter. However, I felt that it all got rather confusing and I wasn’t really all that sure about the idea of familiars anyway. They seemed a little too whimsical to fit in with the rest of the story so I decided to drop that idea. Long story short, the shapeshifter’s familiar was downgraded from a magical being to a pet and was removed from this particular chapter :P

Heh, well I can’t say I’ve seen Infinity War (Or any other MCU movie, for that matter) so any resemblance to the infinity stones is purely coincidental :P That said, though, from what I do know of the movie I don’t think the stones in this story act very similar to the infinity stones xD At the very least, they can’t be used to erase half of the world’s population. And also, I want to say without a doubt that there is absolutely a world beyond Salvos and its associated towns and farms. I’m not sure if we’ll ever delve into that (I haven’t fully decided what the scope of this story will be yet) but I don’t consider that to be a secret. As far as the people of Salvos know they are all that remains, but in reality they are the remains of one country and surely some other humans somewhere in all the other countries around the world have also survived although contact has been lost :P Still, from the point of view of the general public (and maybe the government too, who knows? :P) their city is the last of humanity. And finally, you’re right, this is the re-imagined version of the magical ninja gangsters story xD It’s quite different from the original (mostly because I was around sixteen/seventeen when I wrote it and I was really lame and pretentious back then xD) but the main idea/general feeling of the series is the same. 

Oh no, I’m so sorry to hear about that :( I can’t imagine how horrible that must have been for both of you, but I’m really glad to hear Claire is doing well now. And don’t worry about taking a while to reply to me. I’m a big girl, I’ll cope :P

Thanks for the comment! Heh, Gifted/Cursed really is a long slog to put yourself through xD I’m not sure how often this will be updated – probably pretty regularly at first, but I do intend to go back to Gifted/Cursed eventually and once I do the updates for this one will probably slow down. Still, I love urban fantasy so it’s been fun to dive into the genre for this :) Thanks so much for commenting again! I’m glad it was somewhat enjoyable :)

Well, this was certainly interesting. Firstly, in general terms, I find it really fascinating to be introduced to a series through a side-story xD I’m not sure why. I suppose it’s just cool the way we’re not only learning about the main character and what happened to her that built her into the person she is today, but I also like all the little hints and snippets of what the main series is actually about xD It’s fun to try and guess – like I presume her going off and adventuring on the Sunflower and exploring the stars is part of the main plot, but at the same time, I can’t be fully sure. If you ever post that story up I’m sure there will be an extra layer of fascination, already having an idea of what makes the character tick and being able to see why she acts the way she does to certain things. Anyway, enough with my rambling. I shall talk more specifics now xD

Firstly, I liked (which is a really strange thing to say, considering how horrible it all is) getting to learn about Lucy’s backstory and get a glimpse into the culture of the Borderworlds. And I have to say although I’m sure this wasn’t intentional, all I could think of when you were describing the pleasure houses and the genetic modification poor Lucy and the rest went through reminded me chillingly of what happens to the Pinks in the Red Rising series. It is my favourite set of books in the whole world, so I find the concept very interesting even though the implications of it are as creepy and unsettling as they are in that series. Still, if I were an evil overlord, part of my world domination would be forcing everyone to read that series, so any comparison is still a positive thing for me xD

Anyway, moving on from that, I also liked (again, it’s a weird thing to say in context :P) the sequence of her overcoming the five pirates. It was very disconcerting and uncomfortable to read, but that just made the scene work even more. I don’t blame her at all for what she had to do (even killing Callie, since in that situation did she really have any other choice?) but obviously it will affect and haunt her for the rest of her life. It was really well written and tense the whole time and probably my favourite sequence in the chapter. I found the setting of Haven and Garrett himself very interesting too, although I am immediately very suspicious of them :P I mean, they seem quite nice in this chapter, at least in comparison to the rest of the world, but then Lucy describes Haven as a “dirty, crappy, rundown hole in the wall” so I really wonder what else happened there in the three years since the events of this chapter and the present.

Anyway, there was one thing I thought was a bit strange so I thought I’d mention it. It’s a little hard to critique this and I’m not even sure if it’s really relevant, since it’s a side story rather than the main body of work. Still, I suppose I found this story a little too retrospective at times, in the sense that we’re mainly being told what has happened to Lucy rather than directly getting to experience it. But like I said, I understand that’s probably because it’s a side story telling us her backstory rather than the main series, but still. I suppose I found it a little jarring at times because of that, although I’m not sure it’s worth changing and the story is still interesting regardless. Anyway, moving on from that little ramble, I’m really wondering about the old lady that was whispering to her and then gave her back the knife so she could kill the Duke. Who is she and why does she keep disappearing and reappearing at random moments? And why is she guiding Lucy? So many questions :P Despite Lucy’s thoughts on the matter, I highly doubt it forever remains a mystery in the main story. Anyway, overall this was a very interesting introduction to another story that I’d certainly be very eager to read if you ever decided to share it on here :)

Sorry for taking a while to get to this :/ My ability to motivate myself to do anything has faded dramatically in recent times, I’m afraid. Anyway. I’m very morbidly curious about how Adam found out about Malcolm after this chapter. I mean, I suppose it could be through the dating site he showed Percy at the end, although I think it’s something he did after he found out to get ammo to humiliate him with if necessary. Still, I suppose it is possible if Adam is gay/bisexual himself and that’s why he was using the website, and his internalised hatred is leading him to take it out on Malcolm/Percy. But then, if that was the case I don’t know if he’d show Percy the dating site, so… It’s possible, but unlikely I think at this point, at least without further information. Gosh, I didn’t mean to go on such a tangent :P I’m sorry for making you put up with my rambling xD

Anyway, I don’t mean to sound like a broken record, but once again I want to emphasise how impressed I am with the way you portray Percy’s anxiety. There’s such a realistic beat to it that I really don’t think I’ve ever seen before. I love (and I know that seems like a really odd phrase to use here given poor Percy is suffering because of it, but it’s true) how you show him worrying about things the way everyone does to some extent, but there’s that irrational edge to it which pushes it into anxiety-disorder territory, and the way things escalate into panic attacks for him has a very realistic flow too. It’s something so many people suffer from to varying degrees (including myself), but it’s very rarely portrayed in fiction, so I find it very refreshingly relatable. It’s just something I don’t really think I’ve seen done so well before. Maybe I’m just reading the wrong sort of books :P Still, regardless I really admire your portrayal of his anxiety and your boldness, in the sense you don’t shy away from it at all. It’s very refreshing, like I said. Sorry if this paragraph seems like a rambling mess, by the way. I’m not very good at expressing myself about things like this. 

You're welcome! Haha, I do remember reading the original story, but I totally forgot I ever commented on it :P Shows how terrible my memory is.

Chapters 1-6

Hey! I’ve been lurking and reading this since you posted it but I’ve finally found the time to write a comment. Anyway, so far, I’ve really enjoyed this story and I look forward to reading more in the future. The characters are all very well written and rounded, particularly the main two. I find Hannah particularly intriguing – from what we’ve learnt about her past so far we can see clearly why she acts the way she does, but at the same time, I feel like she’s hiding something. Maybe I'm just being overly suspicious and it’s all in my head, but even so, I really look forward to reading on and finding out more about her and the rest of the characters as well. I have some theories about her (and Malcolm, as well) but I won’t say what they are right now because I’m afraid I’ll be wrong :P

Secondly, I really like the way you portray Percy's anxiety. You don’t shy away from it and you show us through the text what it’s like for him rather than through exposition. Even if we weren’t told in the text directly that he suffers from anxiety, we’d be able to infer it clearly based on the way he feels and thinks, which I really like to see. You portray it in a way that’s very realistic and relatable for anyone who’s experienced having an anxiety disorder. I can’t really think of any published books/online stories I’ve read off the top of my head that portray this as well as you do.

One thing I do find strange though is that everyone is constantly referring to Hannah’s accent as British, including Hannah herself. Since Great Britain includes England, Scotland and Wales, it seems odd to me that she herself calls it British when it would be more accurate to say English (and even then there’s multiple different types of English accent, so it’s not very specific). I can understand the other characters doing it, since they’re not from Great Britain, but I find it strange that Hannah herself would say it. But then, I’m not from Great Britain myself so maybe they do just call their accents British and I’ve rambled along for nothing xD Also, another thing I found odd (and sorry both of my criticisms are really nitpicky) is the way you’ve put place names such as Central Park and Maspeth in italics. I’m not sre why, but I find it rather distracting. Maybe it’s just me :P

Anyway, that’s my thoughts so far :) I’m sorry that I probably won’t be able to make individual chapter comments on this. I’ll try and continue to post my thoughts as the story goes, but I’m not sure if I can manage every single chapter. Unfortunately, being a final year university student desperately trying to keep up with my uni work and convince someone to employ me next year doesn’t give me much time :/ Still, I’ll do my best! :)

Thanks for the comment! Heh, well since I am late with this particular reply I will carry on the grand tradition and say I’m sorry for being so late :P Anyway, I’m glad you liked learning more about 571 because her part in Cursed is something I can’t say I’ve ever been very happy with. She originally was a character from my side stories who I was considering adding in at some point, but I had no immediate plans to include her. However, when I was writing those chapters where they were captured in the Council, I realised my original plan for their escape didn’t make much sense and created a lot of plot holes. And so I came up with the plotline involving her. What bothers me about it is because she wasn’t mentioned or featured at all before then (although I did go back and add in some foreshadowing and a very brief appearance so I could pretend like I’d planned it the whole time :P) I’ve always felt her appearance and help comes across as a Dues ex Machina. That’s something I’ve always really disliked when other stories do it, so I disappoints me that I wasn’t able to avoid it :/ Still, getting to use these side stories to expand on her character a little more makes me feel a little better about it, so I’m glad.

Anyway, I usually think of 571 as someone who’s been thoroughly beaten down by everything her life has ever offered her. She does believe that she belongs with the Gifted, but that only makes it worse when she can’t live up to their expectations. She just can’t let go of the child she had and continue with normal life as if nothing happened. And later on, she can’t stop herself from caring about 805 despite the commitments she makes after this chapter to never go against the Gifted ideals again. Anyway, she’s certainly not the only Gifted to feel that way about killing rebels and the Gifted lifestyle in general, which is what I wanted to demonstrate at the end with 712. He up until that point seemed like just another generic Gifted character, but underneath he’s still struggling with the Gifted lifestyle like everyone else. I wouldn’t say there are many Gifted who kill rebels in battle and never give it a second thought. Even if they’re not wracked with guilt or suffering from PTSD, I’m sure almost 100% of soldiers who’ve killed enemies in battle feel some level of remorse or sadness for doing so, and the Gifted are no different. Not to mention when the Gifted are in these kind of situations, they’re in just as much of a “kill or be killed” situation as the rebels themselves.

Anyway, I’m kind of glad (although it feels weird to put it like that) that 4450’s creepiness got through in that paragraph. I’ve always found more subtle things like this to be way scarier than if it were stated outright. When it is stated outright, often I just feel like I’ve been beaten over the head with a stick with their evilness :P Not that I think 4450 is evil, because firstly I don’t believe that truly evil people exist (or at least, they’re very very very rare) and secondly I think labelling people like him as evil ignores the underlying problem with their society that allows them to get away with what they do. Long story short I don’t like him, but I do like the storylines and themes he allows me to delve into. He’s still alive and still Head Councilman in Gifted/Cursed, by the way. In fact, he’ll probably appear in the main storyline in the semi-distant future xD I have quite a bit to get through first, but it’s going to happen at some point.

Sorry for taking longer than I said to get to this :/ Anyway, I really liked how you’ve started to expand the story in this chapter, firstly with Alex and the gang meeting people outside of those on the mountain. It was really interesting to hear their story, although sad :( It makes perfect sense that lawlessness has become the new normal with the chaos and end of the old world, but still, it makes me nervous. Firstly, I’m not completely sure we can trust this new group. They seem nice so far and I think Nia is telling the truth when she recounts their story, but still :P And even if Nia’s group turns out to be totally trustworthy, there might be some threat from the outside world. Overall, I just feel like something bad is going to happen soon. Alex’s part of this chapter was too peaceful xD Still, regardless of how worried I am right now it was very interesting to learn a little more about how the pathogen works and what happened with the rest of the world when the outbreak began. It does worry me a little, though - it seems to me there hasn’t been quite enough time yet to rule everyone who was at the lodge out as being infected, since if it arrived at the mountain the previous night it wouldn’t have been a full 24 hours yet. I’m worried that someone will turn unexpectedly and the group will find themselves in grave danger once again. Or maybe I’m just worrying for nothing and they’re all immune as they’re presuming :P

Anyway, I really liked the second part of the chapter as well. I hadn’t expected to see anything about how the rest of the world beyond Alex and Friends was dealing with the outbreak just yet, so that was a nice surprise. I can’t say much about that part of the story yet, since we’ve only got a short sequence or so to go on right now, but so far the characters seem intriguing. I’d say I hope their mission goes well, but… Well, from the sounds of it I don’t imagine they’re going to have all that much success, at least, not without sacrificing a lot of lives in the process. Still, I’ll hold onto hope that there are some survivors holed away somewhere on the island and that they manage to save them.

I’m so sorry that I’m so late with all my comments :/ I feel like it’s almost redundant saying that, since I never seem to get any better at being timely, but I’ll still say it. Anyway, I was glad to learn so many interesting things in this chapter. To start with, I don’t know if you remember this or even if I mentioned it (I can’t be bothered going back through all those comments to see if I did :P) but I remember having a hunch when Nikki’s parents were first introduced that something was up with her parentage. I was thinking more along the lines of her mother had an affair or something, but still, one out of two ain’t bad :P I think the reason I thought that was because their descriptions didn’t match hers. It was a long time ago so I’m not entirely sure, but I think that was it. Anyway, that’s getting ahead a bit. I was surprised to see Nikki telling her parents about her abortion. I can’t say I expected that, not this early on anyway. Still, it just shows how much she’s been through and how upset she was that they weren’t there for her both in general and after the shenanigans with Steven. I was surprised to see how her dad reacted, too, but it was heartwarming to see that he, at least, regrets the way Nikki’s been treated and wants to do things right. I’m really curious about Nikki’s biological mother, and who she is. At first I thought she was probably Randy and Julia’s daughter who’d gotten pregnant at a young age and then gotten into drugs or something so she couldn’t raise Nikki. But then, Randy says later that Nikki isn’t his blood, which would seem an odd thing to say if she was secretly his grand-daughter. Also, I can’t remember how old Randy and Julia are (if it was ever mentioned) so it might have been impossible anyway despite that :P Still, regardless of whether her mum is their daughter or not, I’m curious why she couldn’t raise Nikki. For now I suspect her reasons for leaving are similar to what I mentioned above, although I suppose I can’t rule Nikki out as being the half-witch girl for now. I still think Clara is more likely, since from what we know right now it fits better and there was that stuff with Zoe in the last chapter. But, obviously we know next to nothing about Nikki’s biological parents now so I’ll put her as my number 2 suspect for now xD

I really liked Carmel’s part of the chapter. I’ve been looking forward to meeting Steven’s parents for a while now, so I was glad to learn a little about them although so far they haven’t given much insight into why Steven thought they’d disown him if they knew he was gay. Also, it was interesting to learn about Carmel herself, too. Carmel was the other person I had in mind for the half-witch girl, so… In a way, I was kind of right :P I mean, it wasn’t the same half-witch girl presumably, since if Zoe was supposed to be watching over her she didn’t do a very good job by staying in Mistbrook Falls when Carmel wasn’t there, and also she said her mum was the one who was a witch. Still, I call close enough xD

Anyway, onto the last part of the chapter. It was really interesting to get a little bit more insight into why Alana is hanging around Tony and Co (I still need to think of my own nickname for them xD). I was surprised to learn she was in it for financial gains. I mean, since she’s got her own business that seems successful as far as I know, I guess I always assumed she was doing fine. Obviously Kayla and Ariana have more than her since they’ve got Ariana’s inherited fortune, but still. I didn’t realise the situation was dire enough for her to join in with their schemes even before she knew all the murders were going to happen. I wonder if something else went on that I don’t know about and that’s why Alana’s in need of cash… Or maybe she’s lying and there’s something else completely unrelated to money. I do have a crazy theory about why Alana’s really involved and I think it could still be possible, but… It’s just to crazy to share right now because it would be too embarrassing if I were wrong :P Still, maybe I’m rambling on for nothing and it really is just the financial side of things. Anyway, it was really upsetting to learn that Michelle, after all, was the one to (sort-of) kill Sara :( I mean, I suspected she might have been involved in the planning side of things but I didn’t think she’d be the one to actually stab her to apparent death. I thought it was going to be Rick or one of the others in the group rather than Michelle herself. Anyway, the ending certainly surprised me as well. It sounds like Alana knows who JTG is. I mean, it’s a little unclearly phrased so I wouldn’t say I was 100% certain she does know, but if she does I really wonder how she found out. Did she figure it out herself, or did JTG slip up somehow? Anyway, overall this was a really interesting chapter with so many revelations. And I’m sorry again for being so overdue on all my comments :/ I should get to State of Decay in the next couple of days, I just wanted to do this one first.

Also, Gendry and Sons Boat Rentals xD xD

Yay! Someone finally told Michael off properly :P And it was not one, not two, but three people in a row xD You’re spoiling me :P Anyway, I was glad to see Snow especially tell him off for his entitled attitude. Listening to him trying to justify his actions makes me feel even more frustrated with him, since it all just seems very hypocritical to me. I mean, he says he wants to save as many people as he can because of Riley’s death, but not only is he willing to rape someone, he’s also completely unwilling to even consider Brad’s desire to, if the need arises, kill Snow to save the rest of the world. I mean, it’s understandable that he doesn't want to, since obviously Snow is someone he loves very much, but it seems hypocritical to me that he thinks he can look down on Brad and take the moral high ground on this issue when he’s perfectly willing to do despicable things to “save” someone. I wonder, if it wasn’t Snow who Sebastian needs but some random Jane Doe he doesn’t know but who has her own life and people who love her, would he be more willing to consider it then? Maybe not, but it would be interesting to find out. Anyway, I was glad to see that after Gwen’s reaction and Sienna’s the gravity of what he did finally seems to be seeping through his skull. It frustrates me that he needs to be told what he did was almost unforgivable, but better late than never I suppose :/ Still, I have never wanted to clonk a character over the head more than I what felt towards Michael in this chapter, which I suppose is really a testament to your writing more than anything else xD

Now, as for this half-witch girl mentioned in the last chapter… since more evidence has arisen, I am now comfortable sharing one of my suspicions – it’s Clara (which I feel probably won’t surprise you xD). She was my number one choice before, but now I am even more suspicious. I mean, with her being drawn to the philosopher’s stone when most mortals apparently aren’t and her talking in more detail about her absentee father to Gwen… And of course, that scene with Zoe wanting to tell her something then thinking better of it :P It all seems to fit together, but at the same time I don’t know what to think. I mean, it feels like you’re heading in that direction, but a nagging part of my brain thinks it’s almost too obvious so you must be leading me that way deliberately, so I’m feeling very confused right now. I mean, you could just be trolling and it really is her and you’re just hiding it in plain sight, but I can’t be sure xD Still, despite those conflicted feelings she’s my number one suspect for now. There’s another character I think it could possibly be if it turns out Clara is not the one, but I’ll keep that person a secret for now :P

Anyway, moving onto Clara and Gwen’s scene, I really enjoyed it and the strong friendship that’s forming between them. It was really sweet and I really want to see what happens between them in the future, especially if I’m right and Clara does turn out to be a half-witch since they’ll be in a similar sort of boat then. Learning about what happened with Gwen and Michael’s mother was really sad :/ It’s depressing that even though she did such a noble thing to give up her life so Gwen could be safe, she eventually ended up resenting her own daughter for it. I wonder if we’ll ever get to meet her and what she’s got to say for herself if we do. I mean, I presume she’s still alive, so maybe it’ll happen one day. Anyway, I really liked getting to learn more about werewolves in this world. I’m especially curious at how someone becomes one of the out of control werewolves. Can well in control werewolves like Gwen devolve into the feral kind, or are they just something different entirely from the get-go? And if they can devolve, what makes it happen? I have so many questions and I don’t know if you’ll even be able to answer them right now, but I’ll put them out anyway just in case xD

As for Jackson’s part in the chapter, the ending was very intriguing. I wasn’t really sure what part Jackson would play in terms of JTG since he never seemed to be the focus of her vitriol, but I didn’t expect her to supposedly completely let him go if he behaves. That said, I feel like things won’t be as simple as they seen. I think it’ll be difficult for Jackson to stay completely away, knowing that his friends are still being terrorised. And I’m not 100% sure I believe that JTG will leave him completely alone regardless. Anyway, I have rambled on for far too long so I should stop now :P There were so many interesting things in this chapter and even though a lot of questions were answered, I have just as many going away as I came in with, if not more xD Overall, it was a really good chapter and I’m looking forward to seeing what happens next.

Thanks for the comment! The numbering system is sort of explained later, although not in any great detail. They are not given numbers based in merit, they're assigned when they first arrive. However, to avoid having Gifted with the number 238474757 or something like that they will re-use numbers of Gifted who died recently. To use 256 as an example - obviously he's fairly young so having such a small number seems a little oddd but the previous 256 would have died recently before he arrived so his number was recycled. I know its probably not the most believable system but I decided to do it that way because I think 3 digit numbers are easier to read and remember, so most of the important Gifted characters will have 3 or occasionally 4 digit numbers, even though there's probably Gifted with 5 digit numbers out there too.

Thanks for the comment! Heh, well 805 might not have been captured at the start of this chapter but there’s a possibility he’s captured by the end, so you weren’t too far off really :P Of course, I’m neither confirming nor denying he’s been captured. I mean, he ends the chapter in limbo since 256 faints before they can properly capture him. Perhaps he managed a daring escape xD Who knows? Anyway, 805 definitely has changed a lot since he first appeared. Although rather than changing into a new person, it’s more he’s started to go back to the way he was before :P And you’re right, 805 has figured out what happened to Samantha. I’m glad you liked that part because I was hesitant to even include it. I’m worried that it comes across as a little contrived after Janelle’s reaction in the last chapter, so I debated for a long time whether to include it or not. I mean, to me it doesn’t come across that way because I know that’s how 805 would react, but the Gifted’s views on homosexuality isn’t exactly something I’ve alluded to before so I’m worried it seems a little forced from the reader’s point of view. For them any sort romantic relationship is banned so they don’t really care about things like sexuality. That’s why if Samantha had stated it outright, 256 probably would have reacted similarly. But as it stands he’s too much of a noob to figure it out xD Still, 805 tends to be more perceptive so he does figure out the gist of it based on what she's saying.

You know, I really enjoyed writing the last part of the chapter. I enjoyed it more than I usually do, which I found rather disturbing :P Victor the Mad Scientist/Torture Technician (take your pick) is very entertaining for me. I feel like I’ve never really had a character as downright villainous as he’s turning out to be xD I even gave him one of my two go-to evil names. I don’t know why but I’ve always found the name Victor a very creepy. Sorry to all the non-evil Victors of the world, if there are any of you out there :P I’ve actually used my other go-to evil name in this story too, although the character in question was soon changed after their creation to be not so evil after all :P But by the time I changed that I grew attached to them with that name so they kept it even though I still think it’s a creepy. Anyway, as for Caleb and the rest of the group, their level of involvement with Victor’s activities is certainly the one of the main mysteries going on where that’s concerned. Obviously Victor himself is up to something devious, but I really wanted to keep their knowledge/lack of knowledge under wraps for now so I’m glad that seemed to work. Anyway, thanks again for the comment :) And I’m sorry for doing so much damage to your heart again xD

Hey, thanks for the comment! Haha, you’re right, the Leader most certainly went through a gender change at one point :) Unfortunately, it only happened when I started writing Cursed so I predict this won’t be the last chapter where you notice the accidental usage of male pronouns when referring to the Leader :P Anyway, please feel free to point out any errors you see while you’re reading Gifted. You’re right that I’m not currently editing it (at least, aside from a few changes here and there), but I do plan to go back to this story in the future because, well, it needs a lot of work. I wrote this a long time ago and there’s a lot I want to rewrite and change. But right now I’m more motivated to continue the series rather than work on fixing Gifted’s many problems, so I’ve just left it the way it is. Still, once I’ve finished the entire story I know I’ll have more motivation to go back and fix Gifted up, so if you notice any errors or things that irk you feel free to mention them and I’ll add them to the long, long list of things I intend to fix :) Anyway, thank you again for reading this! It means a lot to me :)

I’m so sorry again for taking so long to comment on this :( It seems like I’ve been saying that every time, lately… Uni life is just not letting up for me right now, I’m afraid :( Anyway, I totally forgot that Sienna had promised to help them out if the Coven came a’calling. I feel stupid now :P Here I was, totally expecting an all-out war in the second chapter xD Anyway, regardless of that I’m glad everyone is safe, for now. I don’t feel like the Coven will be out of action for as long as the gang seems to think, though. I mean, sure Umbridge (the Grand Enchanter) is backing off now Sienna’s here, but… I don’t know, I feel like he must have some trick up his sleeve. I mean, if there are nine realms and Divinity and Earth are two of them, presumably there are seven more he can possibly get some help from. I’m worried he’ll come back in force relatively soon and they won’t be expecting it :/ Still, for now I’m glad they are safe and it was nice to finally meet Sienna properly too, since she only had that one brief appearance in Snowfall.

Anyway, back to Umbridge. I’m really curious to learn more about him and the Coven’s history. Although, I don’t care what his real name turns out to be, to me he’s already Umbridge since he apparently is against half-witches and werewolves :P And speaking of that, I’m jumping ahead a bit but I’m really curious about this half-witch girl Sienna and Zoe were talking about at the end of the chapter. At the moment I have two main options I could see as being this half-witch girl out of the characters we know so far – one of whom is more likely than the other with the evidence I have available right now, but I think there’s a possibility it’s the other person too. So I will keep them to myself while I gather more information :P Plus, I could be completely wrong or she could be someone who hasn’t even appeared yet xD By the way, this is just something I’m curious about and you don’t have to tell me if it’s a huge spoiler, but what is the difference between a witch (i.e. Zoe) and someone with magic in their blood who is not a witch (like Michael, presumably). Are witches a different species? Race? Or something else? Are their powers different to the magic in blood people or are they just better at the same magic? I’m not sure what to think right now xD

Getting back on track, I was happy to meet Sienna properly at last after all this build up :P It was really interesting to learn a little of her backstory and I must say I’m really curious to see more. I feel like Sienna’s life and her rise to power is a great off-page story that I’d really like to read about it on it’s own :P I mean, I presume we will learn more as time progresses but if you ever want to write a side story about it I’d be totally up for reading it xD Anyway, Sienna herself is a really interesting character. She seems so wise for her age, which is understandable considering what she’s been through, and she also seems like a really good and kind person considering she took the time and effort to reassure Snow about her powers when they’d only met that same day. I do have a bit of a bone to pick with her, though. It seemed a little odd, I suppose, especially considering how quickly she jumped on Brad for his wanting to kill Snow to save the other eight billion, but overall she doesn’t seem to be treating Michael any differently after finding out what he did to Mary. Now, I’m not saying she was wrong to have reacted the way she did to Brad’s ‘kill Snow’ plan, but it just seems out of proportion with her reaction to Michael’s crime I guess. I mean, if I found out someone close to me had raped someone (regardless of how much of a protective complex they’ve developed) I’d never be able to look at them the same way again. Now, I don’t really know how Sienna treated Michael before, but she seems so friendly and huggy with him in this chapter, so… Yeah, it doesn’t seem to me like she treats him differently. Although I could be completely wrong about that because for all I know she was even more friendly with him before and in this chapter she was super toned down :P Still, I don’t really care how much guilt he feels over his sister’s death. I mean, that probably makes me sound super harsh and I do think it’s sad and all, but it doesn’t really change much for me. He just comes across as the epitome of white male entitlement, I suppose, that he thinks he can make decisions for women and put them through a lot of suffering without even telling them what’s going on because in his mind the ends justify the means. He could just as easily have given Mary the opportunity and power to make the decision for herself rather than put her through such a harrowing experience, so… Yeah, I don’t feel any different about it. Long story short, I need more justice and people calling him out on his actions before I could possibly warm up to him and believe he’s a good person like Sienna apparently does :P That’s this rabid feminist’s opinion, anyway xD I was cheering for Brad so hard when he was getting angry at Michael for acting all saintly over the Snow thing, but then he was cut off and I was like "Noooooooo! Rip into him, Brad!" xD 

Anyway, getting away from that tangent, I’m really curious to see what happens next. I’m especially interested to see how Snow’s possible training with Zoe will go. I’m also really eager to find out more about this Alden guy and why he ran away. There’s so many things I need to know now but I guess I’ll just have to sit tight and wait. Oh, and JTG! I almost forgot. I’m worried for both the gang and Carmel herself now that she’s joined her. I feel like JTG’s hold over her is pretty weak, since if she realises what the news report said about Steven is true and that JTG is lying about the girls (except Sara) bullying Steven, I don’t think JTG will keep her alive for long. I hope she manages to escape JTG safely since she seems like a good person, but I don’t have particularly high hopes :/

Thanks for the comment! Heh, I’m going to totally pretend like I’ve been paying attention and knew that that rocket launch happened :P I totally knew. I didn’t just find out when you posted that, honest. And I’m sorry to hear you’ve been sick :/ I hope the cold medicine is doing it’s job and you’ll feel a right back to normal soon. Anyway, I was glad to get to post something from Samantha’s POV. She’s practically an unofficial main character at this point, which isn’t a role I ever envisioned her taking when I started this story :P She’s not my favourite character (simply because I don’t have one :P) But she’s the character who’s changed the most since my initial vision. She’s evolved so much beyond what I initially planned for her to be and so I was really glad to get a chance to delve into her past.  

Anyway, I’m glad the scene with Michelle and Samantha was moving, although it kind of grossed me out to write it. I mean, I’ve seen some pretty gross things in my time. I’ve seen a cat with a giant ulcerating squamous cell carcinoma covering practically half his face. But searching Google Images for “woman with untreated breast cancer” scarred me for life xD Anyway, this was easily the hardest time of Samantha’s life so I’m glad her vulnerability shone through. Not only did she had to deal with the death of a loved one, she had to watch her deteriorate over time. She saw her mother become a shadow of her former self without being able to do anything about it, all the while knowing she was probably in great pain. Anyway, I don’t know if you remember me saying this but a long time I told you that I don’t mood-set with music when I’m writing. That’s mostly true, but this is the one exception that I completely forgot to mention back then xD ‘Do you hear the people sing?’ is the song I blast when the rebels (or the Gifts of Earth, in that one chapter) are doing something particularly rebellious :P It’s my favourite song from that musical, and one of my favourite songs in general.

Hey, what do you mean? The villagers are the loveliest gems of people :P Although to be fair, like the rest of us they’re simply believing what their society tells them to believe, so I probably shouldn’t judge them too much. Still, their actions led to a lot of suffering for Samantha and Michelle (and Thomas too, but as a man and a hermit he wasn’t exposed to it nearly as much as they were :P) and as far as Sam’s concerned, her father is to blame for it. She imagines him as a womanising douchebag from another village who seduced her mother and left, getting away free while she and Michelle suffered. Anyway, obviously 805 isn’t really what she imagined he’d be, and although it’s true that he didn’t face any stigma over their relationship (and wouldn’t have, even if everyone knew he had an illegitimate child and the whole Island was totally chill with the whole Gifted/nonGifted relationship thing :P) he certainly suffered in other ways. And I think she does understand that to some extent, but it’s still very difficult for her to let go of that vision she has of him. Long story short, I think things would’ve been a lot easier for her if he’d just turned out to be a total douchebag all along :P

Heheh, I also am terrible at remembering names xD And similarly to Samantha, people always seem to remember mine somehow which makes it that much more awkward :P Anyway, as Samantha hinted at, I don’t think she (or Janelle) would have ever dared to leave if they hadn’t found each other. Their shared goal is what brought them together after so many years and forms the foundation of their friendship. Anyway, despite that Samantha certainly was never very fond of Janelle throughout their childhood, which was mostly her own fault :P Janelle always made an effort to be friendly and inclusive to Samantha, but Samantha never really made any effort to get to know her at all. She just kind of wrote her off as this generic shy girly girl who wasn’t worth getting to know. Heh, for a moment there you confused me with all the talk of Amy xD I was like: “Her daughter? What? Amy’s her mother.” It took me way too long to realise that it was the younger Amy to which you were referring. This is what I get for being lazy and naming characters after each other :P Even if it makes sense in the story for Janelle to name her daughter after her mother, the true motivation behind it was, like many things, my laziness xD Anyway, Happy Valentine’s Day to you too! Somehow, I managed to survive my night with the horses without serious injury :P

Even though it was only a short scene in this chapter, I’m very intrigued about where this storyline with Carmel is going to go. Like I said before, she seems like a reasonable person, and that only showed itself more in this chapter. So I’m not sure what might/will happen to make her decide to join JTG’s side for real. Her hint, “watch the news”, intrigues me… Obviously the Steven thing will be on the news, but like I said before, when Jackson claims he killed Steven out of self-defence he won’t be lying, so I’m really not sure what JTG could be referring to. Anyway, it was also interesting to get a bit of a refresher on the girls’ situations with their families. The info about Clara’s dad was especially interesting. I don’t know, the emphasis drawn to it makes me think he’ll be important to the story sometime in the future. One of the rules of fiction in my eyes is that missing parents are always important :P Except… Well, the one time they weren’t important :P Well, possibly. I’m not 100% sure I believe it. I won’t say just in case, but I assume you know what I’m talking about.

I was glad to see Sara reunite with the rest of the girls. I knew it was going to happen soon, but I didn’t expect it right at the beginning so that was a nice surprise. It was heart-warming to see how happy they were (at first, anyway) to see that she survived. With all the not underserved negativity that’s surrounded Sara since her “death”, I was glad to see that the rest of the girls were fundamentally glad to have their friend back despite what they’d been speculating about her or the truth they learned later on when she and Michael were telling their story. Also, it was really sad but also kind of heart-warming to see Sara’s transformation in character since her not-death. There were hints of it when she appeared towards the end of Snowfall, but this chapter only cemented her change more. I felt sorry for her when she was talking about her popularity fading quickly after everyone thought she died. Even if her quest for popularity is what led her to do some terrible things, it’s still sad to see how she was forced to realise how fleeting it was. It’s an interesting perspective, too, because making a discovery like that isn’t really something people in the real world can experience under ordinary circumstances :P Still, I’m glad she’s decided to turn over a new leaf and try to become a better person. I’m interested to see how her relationship with the other girls’ develops. Right now they still seem wary of her, but I hope as she keeps trying to be a better person they’ll start to trust her more and form a bond stronger than what they had before.

Anyway, moving on, I was surprised at how much information and interesting things were revealed in this chapter. It was really cool to see Stonehaven at last and there were so many details about how that world works and what’s going on and I really enjoyed that, especially since I wasn’t expecting to get so much so soon. Stonehaven itself was a surprise too. Like Snow, I don’t really know what I imagined it to be, but a futuristic magic city was not it :P I thought it would be much smaller. Anyway, overall there’s a lot of information to process in this chapter, and I’ll admit it took a second reading for me to really absorb everything. I don’t think you need to simplify it or anything though. Since this is a sequel (or threequel or whatever it’s called :P) I think people who’ve read this far will be invested enough to take the time to read things over and process it, so I don’t think the large amount of information is an issue, if you were worrying about it. I don’t know if you were, but I thought I should mention that anyway because I know I would be if I were you :P Anyway, I found it interesting that the whole thing about Stonehaven only having two people guarding it turns out to have been a lie all along. That was something I didn’t expect. I totally believed it was just Brad and Michael (and Sara, later) chilling there, all alone :P Of course, it makes sense completely that they’d try and hide the fact they’ve got potentially thousands of extra people, although judging by that ending if they get through this I’m not sure they’ll be able to hide that anymore :/

Anyway, I was glad to learn a bit more about Snow’s seemingly unique magical abilities. I’ll admit that I was a bit confused at first about the difference between magic blood vs magic in blood, but I think I pretty much get that now. It’s interesting that it looks like Ariana and Snow have had magic in their family line without anyone seemingly knowing about it. Also, I felt really sorry for Snow in this part of the chapter :( She just seems so overwhelmed about having this extra-magical gift that no-one can explain fully, especially because it looks like that may be due at least in part to her incestuous conception. I found that fact particularly interesting actually because it’s something you haven’t really delved into before. After all, when Adrian was mentioned in Snowfall it was more focused on what he did to Ariana and how that affects Snow, rather than the fact that she’s also a child born of incest. So it was intriguing and sad to see how the stigma of that affects her when it’s brought to the forefront :(

Anyway, back to the beginning… I left this until last because I’m not quite sure what to make of it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a well written scene and it definitely leaves you with a lot of intrigue and things to think about before we dive into the main story. But as a rule, I tend to be cautious of these kind of “future scene” beginnings because now… Well, now if there’s ever a scene where Snow, Clara, Mary or Michael are in danger (such as the imminent battle with the Coven that this chapter ends on), I know they’ll survive whatever is thrown their way because they’re present in this flashforward. So a lot of suspense that I’d otherwise feel in those scenes will be lost. That said, though, I’m sure you have considered this and have a good reason why you decided include that scene so I feel bad even mentioning it, but it wouldn’t quite sit right with me if I didn’t. I guess it’s not the sort of thing I would’ve done if it were my story, but obviously it’s not and I trust your judgment so I’ll ride it out and see what happens.

And finally, I’m so, so, so sorry for taking so long to get to this :( :( Especially since I said I would weeks ago. The worst part is I don’t have a good reason, it’s just… Right now, I just can’t seem to find much motivation to do, well, anything :/ Still, that’s no excuse, and I’m so sorry again for making you wait this long.

Thanks for the comment! Well you’re right that although 805’s current woes are probably affecting him, they are not the only reason he acted the way he did around Alistair and reacted that way to Carey’s description of Caleb. As for why he acted that way, I’m not sayin’ :P Still, Caleb’s group has been around for 12 years and has certainly had more than their fair share of run-ins with the Gifted, so it’s definitely possible that he and 805’s paths crossed at some point.

Heh, as if Hahana and Maui would give up that easily :P It was interesting for me to include this stuff about the Other Worlds and their various religions, because it’s something I’ve never really touched upon before with the entire Island being essentially an atheist nation. Although the real reason the Island doesn’t have religion is because when I was creating this story, it never crossed my mind to include it xD And when I realised I’d left it out, I thought it kind of works for the Island as a whole but particularly the Gifted not to have religion anyway, so I like to pretend it was totally deliberate :P Anyway, when I started thinking more about the Other Worlds and what they would be like, I began to think more about the different religions and how that might relate to certain fantasy elements of the story. And I’ll say that some of these beliefs are based off real fantasy things that either exist or existed in the past, but none of them are exactly correct.

Heh, well I’m glad you liked 256 and Carey’s scene because I ruined all my plans again by including it and that makes me angry with myself :P I mean, the stuff with 440 was always supposed to end in this chapter, but let’s say I had a rather different ending to that conversation planned xD But I decided I was finally bored with all their indecisiveness, so… Changes were made :P Although I wouldn’t say the indecisiveness is completely gone, because they still aren’t all that clear on where their relationship stands and what’s going to happen now between them, but still. Overall I am glad I changed this, because although I now have to shuffle things around, I feel like having this scene at this point will make others things in the near future more meaningful. But on principle I am still angry with myself for making things difficult xD Anyway, the ending of the chapter itself is a mystery that won’t be explained for a while because I’ve got other things to get to right now, so keep theorising :P And Happy New Year to you too!! I’m sorry I haven’t yet commented on A Dangerous Game, by the way. I should be able to get to it on the weekend.

Thanks for the comment! Heh, well it’s quite a trek from Theresa’s brothel to the island base, while Janelle and Co. were coming from the farming villages so sadly Sam and the others arriving first was not an option at this point :P That reminds me, I added a map of the island to Cursed’s album a couple of days ago if you want to look at it, which should make the distancing thing more obvious. I was going to write a note of it when I post the next chapter but knowing me I’ll forget so I thought I should mention it here while I remember xD Anyway, Victor is a very interesting character for me because he, to put it bluntly, doesn’t give a shit :P He has no personal stakes in the Island’s war whatsoever and that sets him apart from most of the characters in this story. Of course, that doesn’t mean the people who sent him to the Island in the first place don’t care, and if they do then whatever his work is he’s following their orders. But on a personal level he couldn’t care less about how the war turns out. He has his own agenda and purpose and he doesn’t care about anything else, really :P

Yay, you missed Caleb xD My work is almost complete :P Still, I’ve missed him and the rest of the gang too so I’m happy to have finally reached this point where they reappear in the story - many, many chapters after it was originally supposed to happen :P 48 chapters. That was what I promised myself I’d finish Cursed by, many eons ago when I still had hope I could contain it. Now I have 46 chapters and I still have at least 10, if not more, to go xD Anyway, stepping away from that little tangent, I was happy (but also sad) to finally get a chance to touch upon this part of Caleb’s character. I wouldn’t say it’s meant to be a big mystery about why he has such terrible nightmares, though. At least, there isn’t a big, mysterious event that happened that we don’t know about (sorry if I made it seem that way :P). To put it simply, he’s a man who’s been through a lot of trauma and as a result has been suffering from what I think of as PTSD for a long time. The triggering event for him was something that’s been mentioned before – his torture and disfigurement at the hand of the Gifted man who took his son away. And even after that, he’s seen his rebel group be almost wiped out on numerous occasions over 12 years and been in and out of grave danger himself, which certainly hasn’t helped with his issues and has made his nightmares worse and increase in frequency over time. Still, focusing on the triggering event, I think of it like this: What has been revealed so far about that day so far is the M rated version of what actually happened, and the real version of events is R rated. So there’s certainly more to it that hasn’t been revealed, but a lot of the really bad stuff he hasn’t even told his wife about so he’s not about to start spilling to any of my POV characters. Still, despite that I do plan on revealing more about what happened that day in the future, but even then, it probably won’t be the full version. Anyway, Merry Christmas for tomorrow!!! It’s just part midnight here so it’s officially Christmas already, but I know you’re around 12 hrs behind us I assume it’s still Christmas Eve. Time zones are too hard for me to compute at this late hour after a five a.m. start this morning and an 8 hr shift on the busiest day of the year for our bakery :P Anyway, like I said I hope you have a great day today and a merry Christmas tomorrow :)

Sorry for taking so long to get to this :( I’ve been meaning to comment all week but things just seem to keep popping up. Anyway, overall this was a really interesting chapter/interquel (I have no idea if that’s a real word and if it is then I don’t know if I’m using it correctly, but it was the first thing to pop into my head :P) and definitely leaves me with a lot to think about before you post A Dangerous Game. Firstly, it was really interesting to see this from Nikki’s POV, since she was the only one of the girls not to get POV in Snowfall. It was sad to see her thoughts on her parents not showing up to see if she was okay – especially since I’d imagine the main reason they’re not there is because they’re currently holed up with Tony and Co. in that lodge. At least, I assume that’s where they are, although I’m not 100% certain of the timeline :P Anyway, although I don’t deny that Nikki and her parents don’t have a good relationship, it’s clear they care for her more than she knows since Randy (I still can’t get over his name xD) said they were involved in Tony and Co.’s (I really need to think of a better nickname for them) scheme was to protect Nikki. Still, I felt really bad for her when they didn’t show up and she was saying she wished she’d been adopted :( It really added a layer of vulnerability to her character that we’d only seen glimpses of before, and I really liked that.

Anyway, I found it interesting that the event that made Jackson realise that Steven wasn’t working alone was that time during the storm. Just because that was the main thing that kept me from being dead sure that JTG was Steven, even when I was very suspicious of him. I couldn’t figure out how JTG attacking Snow fitted in with Steven and Jackson hanging around the football pitch all that time. Moving on from that, I also liked the interrogation scene, especially that we got to learn a little bit more about Steven. I very much want to meet these mysterious parents of his :P

And lastly, I have to talk about that ending :P That was probably my favourite part of the chapter and I’m really curious to see where this storyline with Agent Morales goes. I mean, we don’t get to see much of him in this chapter but from what we do get he seems interesting and I feel like he is a good person, even though he’s rather antagonistic towards the girls. But then, from his point of view he’s talking to four potential murderesses, so I cant really blame him for that right now :P I’m also wondering if JTG has contacted him directly already rather than just contacting Sophia, with his comment about the girls having a “complicated relationship” with Miranda and his general suspiciousness. It seems like he found about that very quickly, and with the music starting right after he spoke to them it makes me wonder if JTG is the person who told him about that. Or maybe he’s just super keen on his job and already questioned people and discovered about their relationship with Miranda that way xD Anyway, overall, this was a good chapter and definitely leaves me with lots to think about while I wait for the sequel. Sorry again for taking so long :’( 

Oooh, well this epilogue definitely leaves us with an intriguing plotline going into the sequel xD I’m really curious about Carmel. Although I have been curious to meet Steven’s parents for a while after what’s been said abut them, I never really considered him having any other family. At least, not a sister who apparently was raised separately from him. Maybe they’re half siblings or something, that would make sense. Plus, it doesn’t sound like they look much alike (although admittedly it’s hard to tell at this point). Regardless, I’m curious to find out why she and Steven were kept apart, and what she’s been doing with her life instead of growing up with the gang in Mistbrook Falls.

The part with JTG was very interesting too. She seems very convinced that Carmel will join her, but I’m not so sure. I mean, from what little we see of Carmel, she seems to be a fairly reasonable person. I think she’ll come to town and find out that Jackson + the girls were involved in Steven’s death, and then she’ll be on JTG’s side initially. But when she finds out that Steven was, you know, torturing and planning to murder them and that’s why Jackson killed him, perhaps she will turn against her then. I mean, when Jackson claims he did it out of self-defence, it’s not like he’ll be lying, so… I don’t see her staying on JTG’s side forever. But who knows, perhaps she will remain ignorant to the very end :P

Anyway, although I know there’s a sequel to come, these last few chapters have been a really good way to end Snowfall. You really built up to the climax well and there were a lot of interesting secrets reveal – enough to feel satisfied, but at the same time, there’s still lots of old questions unanswered or new ones that have cropped up which will carry over to the sequel. Overall, I really enjoyed reading this story (and that’s an understatement). I think you really kept it intriguing right from beginning to end, and all the plot lines were interwoven well with a good mixture of drama, mystery, fantasy, romance, etc. The characters are all really interesting too, and well-written. There’s nobody I’m like ‘wtf is your purpose in life’ about (*cough* Littlefinger in season 7 :P). My favourite is probably Mary, so I’m very glad you didn’t end up killing her xD Anyway, you’re welcome :) I’m glad I could be of some help. And sorry for being much later than I said I would be to comment on this :/

P.S. Happy Halloween! :D 

Cooper’s back! Although, considering the grave circumstances of his appearance, I probably shouldn’t be happy :P Still, I wasn’t expecting him to show up again in this book and I didn’t think we’d find out what Fate did until the sequel, so I’m excited xD Anyway, it was interesting to see that I was right; Fate did make someone die before they could complete their tasks. Although, obviously Sara being the one who died is off the table now :P Still, if she’s not the person, then… Who is it? Surely it’s not a random Joe Bloggs from the other side of world :P Surely they have to have been in Mistbrook Falls. Although, I suppose because it seems so unlikely it would actually be the biggest twist ever if it was someone completely unrelated to the plotline :P Anyway, I’ll work under the assumption that this death was someone related to the main plot. Sara’s dad, Miranda, and Dennis are all people who’ve died from unnatural causes so I’m wondering if maybe it’s one of them who died when they weren’t meant to. Regardless of who it was though, things are certainly not looking good :/

I’m curious about what will happen now that Sophia has Miranda’s original autopsy report. I’m not quite sure what JTG is planning here, so I’m eager to see what happens. I’m especially curious how Tony will react when Sophia starts asking him questions. I’m just not sure what JTG’s motive is, though. I would have thought she (since we now know there is a second one and Steven is dead, I’m going back to the she pronoun :P) would want to dish out justice on Tony herself rather than have the police catch him, so maybe this is just to make him sweat? I really don’t have any idea :P Anyway, it was really interesting to see Tony and Co. together at last xD I wonder if there’s a reason why Michelle was targeted specifically by JTG, or if it was just a general text to make them all worried. And I guess I was right about them being involved in Sara’s presumed death :/ Even though I’d suspected it before, it made me really sad to find out it was true because that means Sara’s own stepfather (regardless of the fact she hated him) and likely her mother were involved in her attempted murder. Anyway, the ending of that section was certainly a big surprise. I can’t say I ever expected Alana to be involved with Tony and Co.. Although my heart sort of breaks to see her there, I’ll hold on to hope that she’s there for similar reasons to Randy and Julia (i.e. someone is being threatened), or… Well, let’s say I have a pretty crazy, far-fetched theory about why Alana is involved, but I don’t nearly have enough confidence or evidence to share it yet :P Regardless, I’m really curious to find out her involvement and see what happens now JTG has turned her attention to Michelle and the rest of the group in general.

Yay, Jackson survived :D I was really worried about him so I was happy to see he was okay. Well, okay physically, at least :/ I’m sure as Snow said, killing his best friend regardless of what Steven had been doing is going to hang over him for a long time. Speaking of Steven, I was surprised that he died so soon – but obviously, with the reveal that there is another JTG all the information that hasn’t been revealed yet will, I presume, be revealed through them at a later date :P After Steven died, I did start to suspect there would be another JTG, and I didn’t have to wait long to find out xD Still, before then, I hadn’t thought about JTG being a partnership (or team, who knows, maybe they’ll be another ten of them :P) for a while. It makes a lot of sense, though. Being JTG seems like a lot of work and being in two places at once, that’s way too much for one person to accomplish xD Anyway, despite of all the terrible things he’s done, I felt rather sad that Steven died :/ I don’t know why, exactly. I know he was far from a good person, but I still feel bad for him after all that happened. Plus, considering what I said in the last chapter about Steven being more manic (and emotional, too) than I expected, I suspect the second JTG is the more cold and calculating one. Maybe she was even manipulating him to some extent. But of course, that theory’s a long shot right now and regardless, Steven was still heavily involved in all the stalking and torturing. Still, I feel some sympathy for him :/ Anyway, overall this was a really good chapter. There were so many interesting revelations and all the plotlines were wrapped up well. I originally planned to finish off this story tonight, but I think I’m going to have to leave the epilogue until (hopefully) tomorrow or Tuesday since it’s already past 11 and I’m supposed to be at uni for a 7:30am lecture tomorrow >.< Clearly, the lecturers hate us :’(

Wow, so many things happened in this chapter that I really have no idea where to start :P Overall, I think it was a really well written chapter. The tension was there in every scene, and even though a large part of it was Snow being tortured I was rivetted the whole way through. I must admit, I was surprised that Steven knew about Sara being alive. It makes sense that he caught on when she was out visiting, but… I don’t know, for some reason I thought she’d evaded him :P Still, it seems I was right that JTG didn’t try and kill her though. I wonder if the real culprit knows she survived? Probably not, since I don’t think they’d be as observant as Steven, since, as he says, he knows everything :P Especially if I’m right and it’s Tony and Co. or someone related to them who’s responsible. Speaking of Tony, it was interesting to learn that he really did end up killing Miranda that night after her fall. I mean, I’d certainly suspected it before, but even so, I wasn’t close to being sure about it. Anyway, I’m very curious to see what will happen now with that revelation.

Another thing I think you did really well in this chapter was conveying Steven’s previously hidden JTG-side :P I mean, I knew Steven would have had to have been acting for all of his appearances thus far, but the sudden change in his personality in this chapter was rather jarring, in a good way. He's more manic than I expected. Not that it’s a bad thing, I was just surprised :P I expected him to be more cold and calculating, although he’s certainly got shades of that too. Anyway, as I said before, even though Snow was being tortured, those scenes were very well written and riveting even though it was horrible to see Snow go through all that :/ And of course, there were lots of other interesting revelations too. I was surprised to learn that Steven and Miranda were friends before. I’ll admit I’m rather curious about how that came about. Still, it certainly makes his motivations for stalking the girls believable and justified to a small extent. I mean, obviously stalking and psychologically and physically torturing people for months on end is never justified, but he’s completely right that they all covered up Sara murdering/manslaughtering Miranda when they could have told someone. It was interesting to learn why Steven targeted Jackson too, although… Well, I don’t want to say too much on it, because obviously it hasn’t been confirmed as true (although I don’t see why Steven would lie) but… I guess I find it a tad unrealistic that Snow never found out about his infidelity beforehand, if it really was to the scale Steven says it was. Because Mistbrook Falls is a small town (where presumably everyone goes to the same school) and the sheer number of girls Steven implies Jackson slept with makes me doubtful that he wouldn’t have already been caught out. That’s a lot of different people keeping the same secret, and if the rumour mill at Mistbrook High is anything like it was at my school, I find it doubtful that something as topical as one of the most popular girls in school’s boyfriend cheating on her en masse wouldn’t get back to Snow/Clara/one of the other girls. If it was 2, 3 or even 4 girls I could understand, but… I suppose like I said, the sheer number just seems a bit unrealistic to me. Not to mention, it would still seem just as douchebaggy of Jackson if there were less so there would be nothing lost in that regard :P

Anyway, I should really talk about that ending xD To say I’m worried is a big understatement. Especially for Jackson (despite the previously unknown douchebaggery (It’s totally a word :P)) since I don’t think Steven will die yet – I mean, there’s still so much we don’t know, so he surely can’t xD What does JTG stand for, for starters :P I never really considered it much before, but now I’m kind of curious. And also, before I go I have to mention this: “Has anyone ever told you the sexist thing about you is your voice?” I don’t usually point out typos but I spent an embarrassingly long amount of time confused about why Steven would possibly find Snow’s voice sexist before finally realising it was meant to be sexiest xD

Well, I might have to take back what I said about the last chapter being the best of this series so far, because this one tops it. I mean, that ending. Need I say more? :P Even though Steven’s been my prime JTG suspect for quite a while now, a part of me never thought I’d actually be right, so I’m happy xD And I feel bad for feeling happy, since obviously Steven being JTG is a huge betrayal for all of them, plus he’s pointing a gun at Clara and all, but I can’t help myself :P Anyway, I think the whole lead up to the reveal, with the intermixing of Clara and Snow’s POV, was really well done. I was a bit confused at first when Clara’s part of the story was in italics, since you’ve never done that before, but I got over it pretty quickly and I think the way you interwove the two scenes at the end really added to the suspense and eventual reveal. I’m really excited to see what happens next, and what will be revealed. One thing I’m very curious about is why Steven targeted Jackson. I mean, I have an idea of his motives for targeting the girls (although I think it’s very likely there’s more to it than I know right now), but Jackson… I don’t have any idea what he could’ve done to be stalked this way. I feel bad for him regardless, since out of all of them Jackson was probably the closest to Steven so I feel like this will hit him the hardest, presuming he survives (he’s still my no. 1 suspect to die). I’m not sure Steven is the one who tried to kill Sara, though. He seems a clear choice, since we know he was at that party and obviously he was stalking her beforehand, but I feel like it might’ve been someone involved with Tony and Co. who stabbed her rather than JTG. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that I wouldn’t be surprised if Steven confesses to her ‘murder’ in the near future, but I also wouldn’t be surprised if he says it wasn’t him because I don’t feel like it’s JTG’s style to kill her in that way. He’s gone to all this effort to arrange this confrontation with Clara and Co. in private, making sure they know it was him after all this time. In comparison, attempting to kill Sara by stabbing her in the back so she never knows it was him seems a bit odd. But then, maybe the impersonalness of stabbing her in the back is what made him want a proper confrontation this time around, so like I said I still wouldn’t be surprised if it turns out he tried to kill her after all. Sorry about that confusing mess of an explanation xD Anyway, overall I think you did a really good job building the suspense up to this reveal. Even though I’d already been very suspicious of Steven, it was still surprising and made me want to go back and read parts of the story with JTG’s identity in mind. For example, that phone convo Sara had right before she dies makes so much more sense now :P And the phone thing too, which I admit I’d forgotten about until Snow mentioned it in this chapter.

Anyway, moving on from that, I should go back to the beginning. It was really interesting to read how Sara managed to survive, as well as learn more about this plot involving Tony and Co. and her dad. I hadn’t really given much thought to Sara’s dad before, and was surprised to learn he was a member of the Dawnguard too. I was also surprised to learn the reason Sara was working against Michael at the beginning was because she thought he was JTG. I’d always assumed it was because she mistakenly thought he was involved with Sebastian. Or, as I knew him back then, the virgin-killing serial killer/demon :P Anyway, because of that, her whole plan to drug Snow to see if Michael would molest her surprised me greatly, because it’s something I never considered at all. Regardless, I really felt for Snow during that scene :/ Whether Sara planned on letting Michael the Molester (if he was a supervillain, that would be his name :P) hurt Snow or not, the fact she’d even consider stooping that low is very telling. Of course, I do believe Sara when she says she’s sorry and that she’s changed, but even so, it’s a terrible thing for Snow to hear especially after Michael’s betrayal. And now she’s got Steven’s deceit to deal with too :/ Anyway, overall this was another really great chapter. So many interesting and surprising things were revealed and once again I find myself very eager to read what happens next :)

Wow, this chapter is probably my favourite of the whole story so far. So many things were revealed and I didn’t expect to find out so much at once at any point in the near future, so I’m happy xD Firstly, I was right about why Michael raped Mary! That makes me happy because now even if I am horrendously wrong about every other theory I can say that I at least got one thing right :P Anyway, I was glad to get answers at last about Michael, and the information about Stonehaven, Sebastian, etc. etc. was all really interesting. I was surprised that Michael and Co. actually know what the demon’s human form is called, I thought the “He” they kept referring to was someone in disguise in the town. It’s interesting to learn what the thralls are too, and that they’re innocent. So I guess all those guys who kept staring at Snow weirdly are probably under his spell. But Emilia, though… I’m not sure about her, since before Zoe said she was stronger than most thralls. Perhaps she isn’t under his spell (or at least, not completely) and is working with him for her own reasons, whatever they may be.

Anyway, moving on to all the info revealed about Stonehaven/the Dawnguard. There was so much to take in but I found it all really interesting and I look forward to seeing more, of Stonehaven especially. I like how you weaved the fantasy stuff into real-world history with the library of Alexandria. There was a lot of information to disperse and you did it well, having Snow there to question and comment so it didn’t turn into a very long-winded monologue for Michael. Although, the information was so interesting I probably wouldn’t have cared if that was the case, but still xD Anyway, I’m curious about Snow’s seemingly extra-magical gift, even though Michael claims she has no magic blood. I’m wondering if he’s actually wrong about that, and she does have some magic in her family tree somewhere. Or maybe, like he thinks, she is something else entirely. Either way, I’m curious to find out. And I feel kind of mean for saying this, but I’m glad that Snow and Michael are (for now) broken up. If they hadn’t it would have seemed very out of place, because regardless of his intentions, as Snow says he still raped Mary and lied to both of them. She’s exactly right, regardless of why he and Emily could have told Mary everything from the beginning and then let her make her own choice. Still, despite the fact I feel their break-up had to happen I think you really handled the emotions well throughout that scene and I felt really sorry for both of them. More for Snow than Michael, but I did feel a bit of pity for him as well even though he has no-one to blame but himself.

Finally, I can say with great certainty that I absolutely did not expect Sara to show up there at the end, and alive to boot. When she appeared before, I fully thought she was some variation on a Guide. And even if I had suspected that she somehow survived, I would never would have expected her to be hiding out at Michael’s. I suppose this means she was “S” after all. Still, if Sara didn’t die, then who/what was the doppelganger in her coffin? My first thought was that it could be a magically enhanced replica of her body, created by Michael or maybe Zoe. Or maybe Sara has a secret evil/not so evil twin :P Still, I’m curious as to how Michael came to be harbouring her in his mansion. Clearly someone wanted to kill Sara, and presumably they were convinced that they did so. And although she could very well be bluffing, considering that JTG has referred to Sara as being dead in the past I’m wondering if this is something even she didn’t know about. Anyway, overall, like I said before this was a really good chapter. There was so much information revealed, so much I didn’t expect, and I’m really eager to see what happens next and how it effects all the other plotlines going on right now. I mean, when Clara gets around to calling/visiting Snow and telling her about JTG, how will she act now she knows Sara is still alive? Regardless, I’m going to be waiting very eagerly for the next chapter.

Hehe, well in this chapter you certainly showed your talent at mood whiplashing xD It was a nice moment between Jacob and Clara, filled with hope and optimism that he might recover, only for Clara to suddenly get that call and have her life (as well as her friends) plunged into possible doom in the very next moment. I’m very nervous but curious to see what happens with JTG. I’m worried for all of them, but I’m still excited to see what happens because it feels like we’ll finally get a lot of answers I’ve been waiting for a long time for – who JTG is, and what her motives against the group are., etc And I’ll quietly hope everyone gets out of this encounter unscathed, but somehow I just don’t see that happening :/ Anyway, I’ve already read the next chapter so I know what happens with Snow finally finding out about Michael raping Mary, so I’ll save my thoughts about that until the next comment. Originally, I was going to say how curious I was to read the next chapter and see what her reaction is, and that I was mad at you for teasing me again without providing the answers xD Still, I think you built up to that final line well, leaving us in suspense for a while before revealing that Snow did indeed watch the video and needs answers.

I was surprised to see Divinity and Sienna at the end there, even though it was only for a moment. I fully didn’t expect them to appear until later on. I’m a little confused, though, since I thought Divinity was the entire country/continent/world, etc, rather than one city. But I guess that was just me jumping to conclusions xD Still, I’m curious about where this city and Sienna’s world are. Is it a parallel world, or is it on Earth but hidden from view like Stonehaven? I think a parallel world is more likely, but even so, I’m curious to learn more about it. Sienna isn’t what I expected either. I don’t know why, but even though I knew almost nothing about her I always imagined her as a brunette xD Still, she seems interesting and I’m really curious to see what happens in this possible war between the coven and Michael/Sienna and Co.

Anyway, overall, this was a very good chapter. You’re doing a really good job at building this climax and juggling the three storylines at once: JTG’s game, Snow and Michael’s confrontation, and the possible war with the coven. I’m impressed at the way they are all coming together and I can’t even tell what I’m most eager to read about. 

Okay, you need to stop doing this to me. I am but a poor maiden who cannot take this cruel teasing anymore xD Finally, Snow is sent something that will change things forever between her and Michael and yet of course I have to wait until a future chapter to find out :P Although who knows? Perhaps the video is something else entirely and has nothing to do with the Michael and Mary thing at all and I’m being trolled even more than I realise :P Still, despite her interrupting Snow seeing that video, I liked the short scene between Ariana and Snow, although of course it was very sad :( It highlighted something I hadn’t really thought about, which is that even if the JTG situation/Michael’s war or whatever it is that’s coming gets resolved peacefully, there’s still a lot of things in Snow’s life that won’t be resolved – like Ariana’s impending illness and death, and the emotional effect all of the current events will have on them.

Anyway, onto Steven’s findings. To say I’m nervous about this is an understatement. He’s still the person I’m most suspicious of, and if I’m right, then I’m extremely worried for Jackson. Particularly since at the moment I feel like Jackson is the most expendable of the gang (although of course I don’t really know enough to form a proper assessment on this) so if anyone dies in the next few chapters my bet’s on him. Anyway, it just seems like if he is JTG, he’s practically controlling where they go right now (whilst not giving them too much info, like an exact location, which would seem suspicious) which fits perfectly to her M.O.. But of course, if JTG isn’t Steven then she’s probably just using the fact he’s been trying to track her to get them in the right place. So in that case, he’d be her pawn rather than the instigator. Either way, I’m scared :P

The ending with Gwen was surprising, to say the very least. I wasn’t expecting to find out more about her so soon, so that made me happy. First, I’m rather ashamed to admit I never considered that Gwen was a werewolf (Sorry, moonlight intolerant :P). Here I was, all convinced she was a chimera-like person infused with a dog’s DNA or something like that, and yet I never considered werewolf, which is such a fantasy classic. Duh Gen :P And secondly, I never considered Gwen being Michael’s sister, or even remotely related to him at all, so that was a big surprise. I’m curious to see how Snow and the gang react to that if/when they find out about that. And also, I liked the extra information given about the Coven, and Michael’s family too. I wonder how his father died, though. I don’t know, I feel like that will be important. Missing parents are always important! :P Ahem. I may have been watching too many movies xD Perhaps he just died of something completely natural. Anyway, I want to learn more about Gwen and Michael’s mother, too. I wonder why Gwen doesn’t like her. I mean, it sounds to me like she sacrificed a lot to keep Gwen safe from the Coven and their dad, but then Gwen says she hates her. Is she just being a rebellious teenager, or is there something else going on that I don’t know about? Or both? :P I guess I will just have to wait to find out. Anyway, overall this was a really good chapter. There were a lot of interesting relevations and characters going places and given the last few paragraph’s from Snow’s POV I can tell it’s going to be a race to the finish from here. I can only sit here and hope in vain that everyone gets out of the next few chapters unscathed.

Anyway, before I go, Stark Outfitting and Winter Gear xD That’s a name that’s up there with Game of Scones :P The residents of Mistbrook Falls are clearly GoT fans xD Speaking of, I watched the season 7 finale earlier today. I won’t say anything in case you haven’t seen it yet, but eeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!!! :P

Thanks for the comment! Heh, I can’t say that the tension in the first part of the chapter was deliberate xD I didn’t even consider that Theresa might sell them out. Although, in my mind it’s not something she would ever do, since she’s a strong supporter of the rebellion and far from a fan of the Gifted in general. She’s seen them use their powers and strength to do a lot of bad things and hurt the people close to her time and time again. Still, obviously I haven’t really touched upon this so I can see why you thought she might sell them out. Luckily for them, she (and everyone else in the brothel) didn’t :P

As for Sam, although she knows that Hahana is right and Janelle didn’t mean to hurt her, she does still feel slightly betrayed by her actions. Like you say, she threw away something they’d worked so hard for, something they’d been thinking of and trying to do for almost five years at that point. Their united desire to overthrow the Gifted is what formed the basis of their friendship in the first place. So long story short, Sam’s pretty bummed about it :P Anyway, I’m glad I got to write that scene with her and Hahana. Originally I was going to write about her feelings over Janelle leaving in Carey’s POV (and thus the equivalent version of that conversation happened with Carey instead) but I just didn’t feel like Sam would open up so quickly about this with Carey and the whole tone of the scene would have been a lot more bitter and confrontational than it ended up being with Hahana. As for Maui, he and Jorah are rather alike in this regard, aren’t they :/ A support group might do them both some good :P

Heh, 256 knew the game was up the minute Sam accused him of listening in xD Besides which, he’s an honest person whose guilty conscience was working in overdrive during that scene :P Anyway, 256 knows that 440 changed after he was punished and he had some idea of what he was really like – after all, although he didn’t know 440 actually did try to rape Carey, he threatened to at one point beforehand. Still, he never truly believed 440 would actually go through with it, so to find out he did is rather shocking and will certainly change things. And I assume the peephole is still there :P I can’t say I’ve really thought about it since that chapter it featured in, but I don’t think anyone would have been bothered to remove it xD

Well, I must say I’m exceptionally glad that both Snow and Rachel survived their inevitable fall :P You had me pretty worried after the last chapter (and the title of this one :P) so I went in expecting the worst. Anyway, I’m happy they managed to both come out of this relatively unharmed. You did a really good job of maintaining the tension throughout the chapter, and because of that I didn’t feel like Snow was truly safe right until the very end. I have to say, though, Snow should consider a career as an actress xD She makes a good JTG :P Anyway, I was very worried throughout that period of time, wondering if Rachel would buy her act or not. I liked how she kind of remained on the fence about it the whole time, sort of convinced but at the same time, never truly sure. It was more interesting than if she’d seen through it, or if she’d been completely convinced right away.

Anyway, I liked the characterisation of Rachel in this chapter. I like her a lot. I’m not really sure why, because even though she was nice at the end, she spent the first half of the chapter holding Snow at gunpoint and then tackled her off a cliff :P Maybe it’s because she has the same name as my twin so I keep thinking of her even though they’re nothing alike xD Plus, I’m not the biggest fan of heights either so I was definitely feeling for her when she and Snow were hanging on that branch. Anyway, I find her a really interesting character and I was happy to see that she and Snow managed to end their confrontation peacefully at the end. It wasn’t what I expected, and it was nice to see Snow with a bit of hope, too. I still can’t completely rule Rachel out as JTG (or part of the team, at least) but at this point I’d be extremely surprised if she turned out to be involved.

I have to say, I was quite surprised that Snow told Rachel about Tony and Miranda. I mean, it makes perfect sense she would tell her (especially considering her JTG guise) but it’s just not something I really thought of, for some reason. But regardless, I felt very sorry for Rachel during that scene :/ I can only imagine how horrible to learn something like that had happened right under your nose. I’m also very curious to see what Rachel will do now she knows the truth. It doesn’t sound like she’s going to tell the police (not yet, anyway) and I’m not sure what else she could be planning right now. I’m also curious about all that surveillance equipment too, and how it will impact the story from now. Surely Snow and Co. will use it at some point, given that Rachel offered it up in this chapter. I hope they’ll be able to use it to somehow get JTG on camera and therefore figure out who she is, but… Well, considering JTG knew exactly where Rachel and Snow were and even threw them that rope, it’s clear she was somehow watching them and probably followed them back to Michael’s house. Therefore she probably knows about that conversation too, so she might be able to use it to get them focusing on the wrong person again or something like that :/

Anyway, all this new information about Tony, Sara’s stepdad and what they were doing on Labour Day was very interesting too. I’m really curious to find out what happened because right now I’m really finding it difficult to piece together. It seems likely now that Tony was planning to kill Miranda that night, regardless of whether he actually ended up being involved with her murder or not. But how that relates to whatever he was doing with Rick is unclear, if they are related at all. This chapter raised so many questions and I’m really looking forward to seeing what the answers are, because at the moment I’m not having much success forming any legitimate theories :P Anyway, overall this was a really tense, well-written chapter with lots of new mysteries. I’m eager to read the next chapter and see what happens next.

Thanks for the comment! Aww, I’m sorry to hear things have gotten worse with your grandmother :/ I hope things will start to get better soon, but it all sounds rather omninous :( Anyway, I’m no good at navigating either. I did orienteering once with Girl Guides, many years ago, and let’s just say I did not do well :P It’s always bugged me how little time my characters spend getting lost when they’re going places, because I know if they were real they would, but I don’t have time for that so some of them became SuperNavigators xD Heh, well I’m glad you don’t recall Sam ever calling 805 by his number, because it’s something I have tried hard not to make her do up until now. I know I slipped up at least once which I have since corrected, but it took me a while after posting to notice it. And I wouldn’t be surprised if there are more instances I haven’t found yet :P Anyway, I didn’t really plan on breaking that trend with this chapter, but when I was writing it just seemed natural for her to say his number at last. I guess their trip to the graveyard affected Sam more than I originally thought it would xD

The info about the Leader in this chapter is something I’ve been trying to squeeze in for a while. It’s not really essential to know all this right now, but I didn’t want to delay it any further since I know I won’t have room for it anywhere else in Cursed xD Anyway, originally I wanted 256 to have POV in this chapter and thus his reasons for deciding to leave with Carey and the gang were explained in more detail. But since I went with Carey’s POV in the end, that part was cut and therefore his decision does seem very sudden as a result :/.Still, in future POVs 256 will reflect on why he decided to leave instead of staying with his family so I hope that will make up for it. It’s not a supposed to be a major spoiler and I could go into it right now, but I’m lazy and I suppose if I did it would make that future chapter a bit more boring for you if you’ve already heard his reasons xD As for 805, if he had a clear idea of where he could go and what to do next I think he would leave them. But he just doesn’t have that so he’s resigned himself to staying with the gang, at least for now. Part of it is due to his Gifted upbringing; he’s always been told where to go and what he’s supposed to be doing, and now he’s on his own he doesn’t have any idea where to start. And of course, he’s fonder of their little gang than he cares to admit :P Sam does come under that umbrella, of course, but he’s not staying specifically because of her (sorry xD).

Oh, I see. You’re one of those people :P When I was writing that scene I was definitely channelling the innkeeper rather than Janelle xD Too many times has a customer at work presented me with a handful of 5 cent coins I am then expected to count. Pretty much everything he said to Janelle is what goes through my mind whenever that happens. Although unlike him, I don’t voice my contempt out loud and just stew in silence :P  Hehe, well I still think you’re just as good at mood whiplashing so I insist the crown stays shared xD Anyway, I’m glad Janelle ad Ben’s scene was good, and that the reveal at the end was surprising. Their whole scene contained a lot of things I’ve been itching to mention for some time – namely, the stuff about Ben’s past and sexuality and of course, the Reagan thing :P Still, I’m not completely happy with the way it turned out, particularly the way I revealed he’s bisexual – having him slip up on the gender pronouns just seems rather cliché to me :/ I tried to write it more in the subtext originally but it just seemed really unnatural and not obvious enough that way. And short of having him actually admit it outright (which he’s not going to do considering A) he and his boyfriend were run out of town for their relationship, and B) in this world even someone he likes and trusts like Janelle probably has a very heteronormative view of society), there wasn’t much else I could do :/ Still, I’m glad you enjoyed the chapter and I hope it isn’t too bad overall. There was a lot to cram in and I ended up not going into as much depth about certain things as I’d like to have, so it all seems rather forced to me. And the fact this chapter was a product of months of dithering and changing and general frustration didn’t help either. I think I ended up scrapping what I had and starting from scratch around 4 times. But in the end, I’m just happy I finally managed to get through it and post something. Now I can move on xD

Steven’s plan of backtracking JTG’s texts has me worried. I’m still rather suspicious of him, and if I’m right and he is JTG then this can only lead to something bad for the rest of the gang. I mean, assuming that theory is correct, he could pretend to be successful and “find” where she was when she sent the texts, or something like that. Then say he tells them a particular place in the town was where she often texted from, he could send them there and place a trap as a part of his plan for them. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense, by the way. It’s getting late and I’m running on 5 hours of sleep as it is xD Anyway, if I’m wrong and he isn’t JTG then of course as he pointed out I highly doubt she’ll appreciate them trying to track her. And since we know she’s capable of murder, I’m more than a little worried about what she will do.

It was interesting to see how Mary has changed since Michael told her the truth and she found out magic is real. It was quite surprising, too – I mean, it’s hard to tell since we only really have their dialogue to go on, but it seems like a perception filter or something like that has been lifted in her mind, if she’s suddenly able to see a whole other world outside his window. At least, that’s what it sounded like. Maybe she only saw something small, it’s hard to tell at this point :P Anyway, I’m glad she told Michael that he should tell Snow about it directly. I mean, she’s completely right, whatever it is Snow will be much more willing to forgive if it comes from Michael himself instead of someone else. But still, I just get the feeling that this is not what will end up happening. I feel like JTG or someone else will get there first before Michael has a chance to tell her, and if that happens I’m not sure if she will forgive him at all. Which may be a good or a bad thing, I’m not sure yet :P

Anyway, as for that ending, I was certainly surprised to see Rachel enter the scene so soon, and in such a dramatic way too :P I knew she’d show up eventually to try and get revenge for Miranda, but I thought it wouldn’t be for a while. Still, not only am I very worried for Snow, I’m really curious to see what happens next and if she falls for Snow’s façade. It’s a clever ruse to pretend she’s JTG to gain Rachel’s trust (or her fear :P) so if she can pull it off convincingly I can see this possibly ending in a positive outcome. But then, we still know next to nothing about Rachel so it’s hard to tell if she will fall for it or realise Snow is lying. Either way, considering their location I really hope Snowfall doesn’t become a literal title :( And assuming Snow does make it out alive, I hope the situation ends with a positive outcome in some way, since the group needs that more than ever right now. And I hope that Rachel doesn’t die either, because since I’m 95% sure she isn’t secretly JTG I don’t think she’s a bad person. As far as I know, she just wants justice for her daughter. But I don’t know, I just get the feeling that one of them won’t survive and if that happens my bet would be that she is the one who falls of the cliff/gets shot. Anyway, regardless I’m definitely going to be very worried for Snow and a little bit for Rachel until the next chapter.

And lastly, I applaud your chapter title :P Now I have Victorious stuck in my head, but that’s ok because it’s such a great song xD

Sorry for taking a long time to read this :/ I haven’t been felling very well these past few weeks. Anyway, I must say you scared me quite a bit coming into this with that chapter title :P Which was undoubtedly your intention, but still xD I’m exceptionally glad that nobody died. I was quite certain that Jackson wouldn’t make it or would be worse injured than he was, but in this case I’m glad to be wrong. I really liked the way you kept the tension up throughout this entire chapter. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time, certain that something really bad would happen and that Jackson/Snow and later Mary/Michael would be badly injured/killed. It was only at the end I could breathe a sigh of relief, but of course, by then there was so much else to think about. I wonder what JTG was referring to at the end. I don’t have much of an idea how Tony could be involved – after all, Sara was the one to push her, the girls saw it so unless he’s got some shape-shifting power I don’t know about I don’t see how he could be involved in that :P I guess whatever it was must have happened just before, but I haven’t got much of an idea of what it could be. Anything I think of just doesn’t seem very likely. Still, the way JTG worded that message makes me even more convinced that she and Tony have been in cahoots (my new favourite word :P) before, aside from JTG simply sending him and Rachel that photo. I mean, she says “don’t forget” – surely she must have told him something to forget before :P Otherwise, that’s just unreasonable xD Of course, it’s not like reasonable is a word that describes JTG, but eh, it could mean something. I should stop rambling now, shouldn’t I? :P

Anyway, I should get this out of the way before I change my mind: Michael’s pretty badass xD Still, I’m a bit annoyed at you because I was getting super excited during the part with Michael and Mary, thinking he’d tell her why he raped her and I’d find out if I was right but then you go around and make him tell her off-page :P Still, now that she knows I don’t think it will be too long until the audience finds out, so I guess I’ll just have to exercise some more patience xD Anyway, speaking of that scene in general, I was quite surprised that Michael did tell her. It’s not something I ever really thought would happen – I thought the first person to find out would be Snow when JTG/someone else revealed it to her behind his back. Now, that could still happen, of course, but (depending on what it is) it’ll certainly be interesting to see what Mary says if Snow asks her about it. Anyway, it’s good he did tell her, because as they both said I think she certainly deserves to know why. Still, overall I think he’s handled the whole situation badly regardless of what he did in this chapter, but I’ll reserve further judgment for now until I hear his reasons.

Anyway, I found Tony and Snow’s conversations interesting (and tense) in this chapter. Particularly the part near the end when she thought she’d found a way to talk him down through their shared pain. I was a little sceptical when he was answering her and seeming to sympathise her since it was such a change from before, so I wasn’t too surprised when he revealed he was faking it. Still, those scars are surely real, so I’m curious what the story behind them is. Particularly considering the way he spoke about rape to Snow beforehand – his emotions then seemed real to me. Maybe he was raped and that’s what drove him to attempt suicide? That seems like the most likely scenario to me at the moment, but it could easily be something else since it’s not like I have all the information. Anyway, overall this was a really tense and thought-provoking chapter. I really want to find out what happens next, especially with Mary now she knows the truth – unless Michael lied, but I don’t think he would have. Anyway, I’m so sorry again for being so late with this >.<

Thanks for the comment! And you didn’t forget, 913’s death has never been mentioned in the main story :P 256 has always thought of her as being alive because he’s never seen any evidence to suggest otherwise. But now he knows 440 died while they were apart he’ll probably start to consider the possibility that she’s died too while before it wouldn’t have even crossed his mind. Still, in all likeliness he’ll never find out the truth, but the Council would have a record of her death hidden away somewhere so it’s not impossible that he’ll find out one day.  Anyway, although 913 certainly does think killing herself will keep 256 safe since she’d no longer be around to “tempt” him back into attachedness (and we all know how well that worked for him :P), I wouldn’t say that she didn’t want to die. I mean, to have thoughts like that – that someone would be better off if you died, whether it’s true or not – I don’t think anyone could have a thought like that and follow through with suicide if they truly wanted to keep on living. It’s a combination, I suppose, of both the despair and psychological damage her punishment left as well as her desire to protect 256 that led to her decision.

As for the Leader, he certainly is very different from the present holder of that title :P I think diplomatic is a very good word to describe him. His more rational attitude is partly because he’s older and has a lot more experience under his belt than the current Leader. By this story, he’s been Leader for over thirty years and would stay in power for another ten up until his death. The present Leader has only been in the position for two years and is currently in charge of a Council made up of people who are at least 25+ years older than her (she’s 23). And although this hasn’t been mentioned yet, she’s also the first female Leader, so she feels like she has a lot to prove. Anyway, I’ll shut up about her now because I find her fascinating and I’ll reveal way too much if I keep going the way I am :P

Heh, douche is exactly the right word to call 4450. He certainly deserves it, but if anyone accused him of being a rapist he’d be mortally offended. To him, Servants are not real people and unfortunately he’s not the only one with that opinion :/ Focussing on the Council + the Leader since they’re the ones with personal Servants, I’d say around ¾ of them (including both Leaders) have the basic morality to, you know, not rape their Servants on a regular basis. They’d use them for cleaning, cooking, etc., but not that. Still, there’s still a sizable amount of Council members and ordinary Gifted who do, and there’s no law saying they can’t so they get away scot-free most of the time :/ Anyway, I don’t blame you for feeling a little sorry for 4450 for having to remember the image or her body for the rest of his life – I do too, since it’s not something I’d wish on anyone. Still, better him than anyone else, that’s what I think. 

Well, this was certainly an interesting (and frightening :/) chapter :P Brad’s opinions about Snow at the beginning worried me a little. I mean, I can understand why he sees Snow as a threat, if the person they keep talking about really does need her for his diabolical plan. And although it pains me greatly to say it, if killing Snow would help save the other 7 billion people in the world (or even more than that, since this is technically the future :P) then I’d have to support him. But since Zoe said it wouldn’t make a difference (and she’s clearly a far more neutral party than dear old Michael) then I can’t see any reason to justify kill Snow. I hope the fact she’s dismissed the idea will deter Brad, but… I don’t know. I just get this vibe that if the situation becomes even worse – say if Zoe dies, which is the main scenario I’m imagining right now - then he might try it anyway in desperation.

It was sad to see the reaction of all the girls’ to Sara’s files :/ Even though they knew (or had strong inklings) about what Sara was really like, it’s got to be hard to hear something like that. I’m not entirely convinced that JTG isn’t the one behind those files, though. After all, she’s obviously been on Sara’s computer if she was able to make it burn-out when they managed to get into it. That said, it doesn’t make much sense that JTG would change the contents of the laptop if she didn’t intend them to have access in the first place, so I think it’s more likely Sara really was the one who wrote them. Still, I’ll keep that thought in the back of my mind, just in case. I mean, it seems like something Sara would write, but… I don’t know. I guess it’s her thoughts about Snow that make me think JTG might have had a role. I do believe that Sara loved Snow, and her words on her specifically seemed a bit harsh, I suppose. Anyway, moving on. It’s interesting that Sara seemed to think Nikki was the one most likely to be JTG. I guess out of the four girls I’d pick her too, mostly because she’s the one we get the least perspective from so it’s harder to rule her out :P Still, even saying that, she’s not high on my list of suspicions. If I were to pick someone out of the inner group to be JTG, my money’s on Steven. I’ve been a little suspicious of him for a while now but after the computer blew up in the last chapter my suspicion has grown since it would have been pretty easy for him to set that up himself and feign anger when it happened. I wouldn’t say I’m dead sure about it, not at all, but… I don’t know. I get a vibe :P A small one, but it’s definitely there.

Anyway, moving on from my ramblings, Clara’s part of the chapter raised a few questions too. I’m quite curious about Gwen the dog girl :P Her animal-like qualities reminds me of the chimeras from the manga version of Fullmetal Alchemist, although I doubt that’s what influenced you xD Anyway, right now I’m wondering if she actually is a magical person infused with the behaviour/mannerisms of a dog or if that’s just the way she is :P Regardless, I’m curious to see what her role will be. Anyway, the part with Clara and Jacob was both heartwarming and sad at the same time. I was kind of disappointed she didn’t tell him what had happened. Of course, I understand completely why she didn’t – after all, JTG’s shown she’s perfectly willing to kill so Clara’s rightfully not going to take her threat lightly, but… I don’t know. It just makes me sad, I suppose, for both of them. Jacob’s going to find out eventually and it’s going to be so much worse now that they’ve confessed their feelings to each other :/

Well, that confrontation with Tony at the end went about as well as I expected :/ I believe Tony when he says he’s not JTG. I never really thought he was (Rachel, though, I can’t rule out). Still, I don’t altogether believe him when he says he doesn’t know who JTG is, or his claim that they haven’t been working together and he and Rachel have been completely unsuccessful in their attempts to spy on the girls. I think it’s possible they’ve been working together more than he’s implying. Or he could be telling the complete truth, I don’t really know :P Anyway, regardless of JTG’s role I’m very worried about Jackson and Snow right now :/ I have no idea how they’re going to get out of this one. I’m slightly more worried about Jackson, since at this point he seems more expendable than Snow so I think he’s more likely to get killed/injured. Still, hopefully once they tell him the others are ready and waiting to send the video on Tony will reconsider, since having murder on his head as well as statutory rape will only tarnish his chances even more. But who knows, really, Tony seems pretty desperate right now >.< I’m going to be very worried until the next chapter, that’s for sure.

Thanks for the comment! And don’t you know breaking hearts is the most fun a person can have in life :P Muahahaha. Ahem. Anyway, I’m glad you thought this chapter was well-written and that the fighting was interesting. I’ve never really written something like this before, where it’s just fight after fight after fight for a long stretch. It took its toll on me, and I wasn’t altogether sure that it stayed interesting. I try to vary things as much as I can (hence why Janelle happened to run into the only two Gifted who weren’t Gifts of Air :P) and make people use different weapons, so I’m glad it was effective. Anyway, I guess Janelle’s problem is that she’s expecting the worst without hoping for the best at all :P She finds it impossible to see a situation where they’ll come out on top, and that, like Ben/you point out, is pretty bad for morale all round. Heh, Benelle works quite well as a shipping name, doesn’t it xD It helps when they have letters in common in convenient places :P Still, Janelle certainly has quite a way to go before she’s ready for another relationship. She’s still not over Reagan and even is she was at peace with his death, letting someone else in would mean potentially losing them in the same way she lost him. And who knows? Maybe she’ll lose Ben too and they’ll never get to talk at all ;)

I always knew that Brooke would die in this fight. Ever since she and Evelyn entered the story, I knew I would kill one of them and I knew it would be Brooke. I did try and throw the scent of her a little, by making Janelle and Wesley talk about Carey. I mean, whenever someone says “I’ll see you when I get back” or “you’ll see her when you get back” that person’s going to die, right? :P I guess my attempts were fruitless though, cos you figured out it would be Evelyn/Brooke anyway xD Anyway, Brooke’s death will certainly effect them all, even the ones who didn’t know her all that well. I guess none of them ever expected her to die. Even without realising it, they sort of felt she had this… Immunity, I suppose, because of her age. But no, she’s just as likely to die as anyone else – maybe more than anybody, actually, since she’s young and therefore not as strong physically as the older characters. But now they’ll realise more than ever that they are fighting a war where the innocent will be caught in the middle, where fourteen year old girls and any other vulnerable people are just as in danger as everyone else.

By the rebel’s standards, this battle was technically a victory despite the massive casualties. They did do what they set out to do, after all – they killed quite a number of Gifted and made a point. But I suppose what this chapter aims to point out is that the rebels can train and fight as hard as they can but they’ll always be at a disadvantage because the Gifted are simply better prepared; they’re better trained and they have powers the rebels don’t. Being a ragtag bunch of misfits can only get you so far :P I can’t say much else than that because it’ll be addressed in later chapters, but the rebels will be at the end of the line very soon if things keep going the way they have.

Well, I’m glad Snow finally remembered the morning-after pill. Better late (but not too late :P) than never, I guess xD Anyway, I really liked the scene in the pharmacy. I was excited to see Rose again, not to mention the reappearance of Snow’s future daughter :P Still, her appearance was rather worrying. I’m not sure if I believe her time-travelling excuse. She could be saying it to throw Snow of the scent. Perhaps she’s a guide, like Rose, which means she might be dead in the future and that’s what she was upset about. But I don’t think that’s very likely, since it seemed like whatever made her sad wasn’t to do with herself being dead or injured. Still, I wouldn’t rule it out. But if she really is a time-traveller and if it did happen to someone else, than what and who was she so sad about? She said it wasn’t Snow, and the only other people I know she would know are Michael, and maybe Kayla (I assume the first Ariana will already be dead by then, unless a miracle happens). But focusing on Michael, you’d think if he were dead then the second Ariana would be visiting him rather than Snow. Unless she just popped in to perk Snow up before going home after spending time with him :P Anyway, her visit led to a lot of new mysteries and I’m curious to see if she’ll appear again.

Poor Sophia :( I hadn’t really thought of Mike’s (the first one :P) death in a while so it was good to be reminded of him. But it was very sad to see how Snow’s drinking, driving and suicide attempt affected her because it’s something you didn’t touch on when it originally happened. Snow’s thoughts about her selfishness were also really sad to read. I don’t think she’s selfish for not thinking of how her actions affect others 24/7. I mean, it’s practically impossible for someone to constantly consider others every single time they do something, especially if they, as Sophia said, have just been through emotional trauma like Snow finding out her Mum is dying. Even the most selfless person in the world could overlook someone’s feelings in that situation.

I have a feeling that Clara’s secret is not going to be secret for much longer. JTG or no, she just seems to be reaching her breaking point. What with Jacob talking about his chair and how it’s affected him, not to mention him wanting to meet her the next day, it just feels like she won’t be able to keep it a secret. If she does tell him, I wonder what JTG will do. I guess it will depend on how Jacob reacts, I suppose, but I’m sure JTG won’t be happy either way. Or maybe I’m completely wrong and she goes to meet him without any mention of her role in his accident :P Anyway, overall I really liked that part of the chapter. It was really sweet to see the trust Jacob and Clara have developed. It was interesting (and sad) to see his thoughts on how the accident affected him too. I’m glad he’s managed to come to terms with it, at least partly. I mean, even if he does manage to gain back enough function to walk again, he’s probably never going to go back completely to what it was like before – at least, it would be very unlikely. Anyway, I’m really looking forward to seeing what happens when he and Clara meet up. Even if she doesn’t end up telling him, I get the feeling something will happen.

Well, of course they don’t get access to everything on Sara’s computer :P I really should have expected that, but for some reason I didn’t xD Damn JTG/Sara for covering their tracks. At least they have a line of files, right? :P Particularly since one of those files provides the evidence they need against Tony. Still, that’s only one video. I want to see what else was in that line of files xD Anyway, I wonder why Miranda wanted to destroy Tony. I mean, clearly he’s lacking a decent moral code, but I wonder what it is she wanted that destroying him could achieve. I’m really excited but nervous to see what happens next. I’m worried about Snow’s plan. I don’t think Tony will be all that convinced not to sell them out with their secrets even if they act like they don’t care and he’s brought down with it, either from the police or his wife finding out about his affair with Miranda. I mean, for Clara, Snow, and Mary, jailtime could be involved. Still, I agree that they’ve got to do something, so I guess it’s worth a shot. But I’m still not as convinced as they are that Tony (and Rachel) are the only people involved as JTG. I mean, for Tony at least, if he has a successful career surely he doesn’t have time to stalk a group of teenagers and send them texts that relate to what they’re doing right then. Sure, Rachel could be doing it – I can’t remember if you mentioned a job for her – but even so, that’s a lot of kids to cover at once for one person :P I still feel like there’s someone else, maybe even just a (possibly magical) lackey, who’s involved.

Wow, Emilia’s much more badass than I thought. At least, I think it was her fighting Zoe at the end. I don’t quite remember what she looks like, but it sounded like her to me. Still, I’ll be super embarrassed if it turns out it’s not actually her after I’ve said all this xD I’m not an idiot, honest. I just seem like one :P I wonder if she really is dead after that. I guess we’ll find out soon, but I feel kind of sorry for her if she is even though she’d be perfectly happy for Zoe to be dead. Anyway, I’m excited now because it seems like some of the magical stuff in this story won’t stay secret for much longer xD I’m looking forward to meeting this infamous coven, and Sienna if she appears this early (which judging from your earlier comments I’m guessing not), Still, something’s certainly going to happen very soon.

Thanks for the comment! I’m really glad you liked this chapter :) To say I had trouble writing it is an understatement :P Romance really isn’t one of my strong suits, and I made it 10 times harder for myself by using a male POV. Most of the scribblings I already had for this chapter were from Michelle’s POV, but I knew if I was going to post it I’d change it to 805’s since he’s the one who’s still alive in the main story. Hopefully he was convincing :P Anyway, I don’t think Romeo and Juliet is that bad a comparison to make – I mean, they’re not exactly alike (at least, I hope they’re not :P) but they certainly have the classic star-crossed lovers thing going for them. As for the woman in his dream, both his mother and his trainer are good guesses. I mean, although yes he’s never met his mother the woman in his dream could simply be how he imagines her to be. And obviously his trainer is someone he’s actually met so that’s certainly a possibility too. Anyway, I’m not sure if I’ll ever reveal who she is so keep forming theories :P I’d like to, but unless I decide to write another side story about it (which I don’t plan to at the moment) she probably won’t come up because it’s not something 805 likes to mention at all. So unless someone catches him drunk again there’s not much chance that he’ll talk about her :P

Anyway, 805 at 22 is certainly very different to 47/48 year old 805. A lot of his bitterness and his generally cynical view of the Gifted/nonGifted divide stems from how his and Michelle’s relationship ended, so at this point he has yet to really develop that until he gets back to the Council and has to deal with the loneliness of their separation. He’s not particularly optimistic and he’s obviously dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts by this point of his life, but he still has a certain naivety, I suppose, which he’s lost almost completely later on. Anyway, you’re right that Michelle did want to tell him she was pregnant initially, and that she fears what he would have done if he knew. I’m glad that got through, because it’s something I feared was lost when I switched it from her POV to 805’s. Anyway, thanks again for the comment! Heh, that does sound like something fangirls would say, doesn’t it :P And hey, maybe you and Hahana aren’t the only ones. Present day 805 is rather famous among the Gifted, particularly the Gifts of Earth, so he may have some more there xD

Thanks for the comment! I’m glad you liked Janelle’s part of the chapter :) I’m not the best at action and stuff so I’m glad it seemed okay. Particularly the earth prison, because I realised the Gifts of Earth in this story haven’t really shown much of their actual earth-manipulating (I will not say bending. I will not even though its so tempting :P) powers, so I decided to add that in. Anyway, Janelle feels pretty much exactly the same about Lena. She knows it’s hardly practical to bring a pregnant girl along and that she could be a huge liability depending on how their mission goes. But she believes after her and Wesley’s involvement in Alex’s death she can’t really refuse Lena’s wish. Still, she’s thrown a spanner in the works for me because I never intended to have them bring her along :P Killing Alex was a rather spur of the moment decision, and Lena was never going to appear in person originally and her existence in the story would have purely been Alex mentioning her when he met Janelle. But once she was appeared in person I really liked her and I felt like she wouldn't want to stay in the village so I had to make her join them. Heh, quite a battle looming… Well, I hope there will be xD I’ll do my best, but I’m not much of a strategist (there’s a reason I don’t play chess or games of that ilk :P) so I’m rather nervous about how it will turn out. There won’t be a Vale Ex Machina, I can promise you that, but there's a sizable chance it will end up being just as lame xD

Anyway, you’re right, 256 probably wouldn’t have survived if he hadn’t been Gifted. The medical Servants are far better trained than the average nonGifted doctor and their facilities are better too. And even before he reached the Council, 913 (as his Assessor) was a Gift of Air, so she would have used her Gift on their journey Council to keep him breathing. So long story short, 256 owes his life to her and the Gifted society in general. Anyway, I’m glad you liked his and David’s interactions in this chapter. Throughout this chapter, despite 256’s worries about his parents rejecting his Gift, etc., in the end he’s the only one holding himself back from having a proper relationship with his father and the rest of his family. He does realise that at the end though, that although they might not be truly a family straight away but they could in the future if he puts in the effort to get to know them. David’s already there, ready to learn more about him and the world he’s lived in for nineteen years, while 256 is the uncertain one until he makes that realisation. As for Sarah, yeah the whole situation is very upsetting for her :/ She does believe David’s explanation of why he never told her and she knows he genuinely thought 256 died. But at the same time, it’s a pretty huge secret that he’s been hiding since they met so she definitely feels betrayed by it.

Hahaha, well while that Star Wars reference certainly wasn’t intentional when I initially noticed this chapter, I noticed it during editing it and considered cutting it before deciding it was too funny to take out :P So it’s semi-intentional, I suppose xD

I thought the beginning of the chapter – with Ian escaping from his trap and finding himself in this new, strange place that was nothing like he’d been told – was very well done. It was really interesting to read that whole section (actually, the whole chapter, really), and the way you wrote it was very intriguing – the descriptions were good, and you revealed bits of information gradually in a way that made it very interesting to read. Anyway, the fact the soldiers were out and about without any protective gear kind of proves (at least, until further information is available) that the world outside is certainly more inhabitable than they have been told inside. Like Ian, I’m also curious about this “Sector 7” business and the other sectors mentioned – like him, I assume it means more domes. I’m really curious of how the world came to be this way. If the outside is in fact inhabitable, why have they locked everyone away in these cities? It’s all very intriguing and I’m really looking forward to learning more :)

Anyway, the second half of the chapter, with Ian being captured by Hayley (or her doppelganger, since she doesn’t appear to recognise him) was just as interesting as the first. I’m really curious to see what’s going to happen now he’s been captured by this group of, I assume, rebels of some description. I’m guessing they are clones of the same people Hayley and Co. were cloned from, hence why she looks and sounds like her (excepting her different injuries or disfigurement or whatever it is) and Ian mentioned he vaguely recognised some of the others, so it would make sense. Still, if I’m right, why were they made and how did they escape? I’m definitely keen to find out.

“and of course his amigo assured him he wasn’t” – once again, I found the use of the word amigo rather strange in this context :P

In the sentence beginning with “Once I was able to…” near the beginning, you repeated the phrase I was able twice. The repetition sounds a little awkward to read.

And in regards to your reply to my last comment, I really like that you’ve made Ian leave the dome so quickly, so I don’t think him going outside so early on in the story is anything for you to worry about :) It surprised me, sure, but it was a good surprise, and it means the story is moving forward rather than dragging out, as it might have done if you’d delayed his leaving. Anyway, overall this was another great chapter, definitely my favourite so far. Good work! :)

Thanks for the comment! I’m glad you liked this story. When I first started writing Gifted I never gave the Servants much thought. They were simply a device I used to explain what happens if the Gifted have children and how the Council/other Gifted headquarters are kept running, but my fascination with them has grown exponentially as I’ve kept writing. They really are slaves in everything but name and even the “good” Gifted are at best uncomfortably dismissive of the way Servants are treated. Like 256 (until recently), they don’t like it, but they choose to ignore it because it makes them feel uncomfortable rather than confront the way Servants are treated. 805, on the other hand, does confront it a bit on a personal level only, but… Well, that’s another story :P

Anyway, the Servant in this story is a medical Servant, and they are in general treated slightly (emphasis on slightly :P) better than the rest of the Servants because the Gifted are aware they have vital skills that the rest don’t. Supervising medical Servant trainees is a job the Gifted have to do (especially when they’re in the library) but it’s pretty much the most hated job in the Council so whoever has to do it usually feels like they’ve pulled the short straw :P Heh, well I’d like to say that there’s a secret hidden meaning behind the Gift of Fire saying sorry to the Servant. But that would just be a desperate attempt to protect my reputation, because in reality it's just me making a dumb mistake xD You’re right, he really shouldn’t be so polite to the Servant, it was a silly error on my part. I’ll change it :P

Well, not everything has to end tragically, does it? Just most things :P Heh, although I’m sure there are a lot of Rosas on the island, this one grew up to be the Rosa you’re thinking of. And as for the Servant, well, he grew up to be someone rather important, too ;)

Thanks for the comment! I’m glad that Janelle’s childness was convincing :P I tried my best, but I wasn’t very convinced I’d done a good job at it. Anyway, she certainly is very different from the way she ends up in the future. She had a normal, rather sheltered childhood for the most part, with loving parents and lots of friends despite her worries in this story that no-one would like her :P Anyway, it wasn’t until later in life that things started to go wrong for her, so she’s a lot more jaded in the main story than she used to be.

 Heh, I have to say out of all the characters I’ve ever created Gina is probably my least favourite so I don’t blame you at all for wanting to punch her :P Anyway, her opinion about Michelle is not an uncommon one in their village :( She had to put up with a lot of crap from the other villagers, and you’re right that it’s mostly because her children have different fathers – but that’s not the reason for Amy’s treatment of Sam. The reason Amy acts the way she does around Samantha is because she has known, almost since she was born, who Sam’s father is. Michelle never told her about her relationship with 805 but she figured it out later on because of various reasons that would take an incredibly long time to explain properly :P Anyway, she guessed her father is Gifted and that’s what makes her wary of Samantha. For the villagers the Gifted are seen as almost non-human a lot of the time, so the idea that a Gifted and a nonGifted could conceive a child is rather mind-boggling for them.

As for Janelle and Alex, similarly to Janelle and Sam/Thomas, they met when they were young (it’s a small village so it’s pretty much inevitable :P) but they didn’t form a significant relationship until they were much older.  Haha, John really shouldn't say things like that, should he :P Still, in the end he didn't die in a mining accident so somehow he managed to avoid the jinxing magic. I need to find out his secret :P Anyway, thanks again for the comment :)

This was another interesting chapter, and it ended on quite the cliffhanger too :P I can’t say I was expecting Ian to end up on the outside so soon – I did think it would happen eventually, but not right now so I was surprised. At least the environment (so far) seems to be less hostile than Ian thought. Still, I’m really interested to see what he finds out there. I’m nervous for him, too. After all, something made those soldiers come back in such a bad shape, and they had armour and weapons :/ I’m worried for him. Anyway, back-tracking a bit, I liked the whole build up to Ian being stranded on the outside too. You’ve really built up a lot of intrigue with martial law being instigated and some of the synthetics getting recalled. There’s so much happening we don’t understand and I’m really eager to find out more, so good job :)

“My amigo added, his rifle never trained away from me” I think amigo is a rather strange word to use in this situation. I don’t know, maybe things are different for you but in my country amigo is more used as a friendly term. Plus it’s not a word usually used at all (in English-speaking countries, anyway) except in jest – although maybe that’s just Australia :P Still, it’s a word I more think of as referring to friends but in this situation it’s a soldier pointing a gun at Ian, so it seemed a bit odd. There was also a moment you slipped into present tense, with this line: “He still hasn’t opened up to me about what they did in there…” I think it would sound better if you wrote hadn’t instead of hasn’t. Anyway, despite these nitpicks, this was a very well-written chapter. Everything flowed smoothly and built up to that ending, making me really excited to see what happens next.

Sorry again for taking such a long time between comments. One of these days I’ll get myself organised, I promise :P Anyway, this chapter was really good, probably my favourite so far. I’m really curious about what happened to those soldiers, especially if they don’t usually come back in such a state. I guess something must have changed, but it’s hard to form many theories when I don’t yet know what’s out there in the first place :P Anyway, you described the scene where they were moving through the city really well. I don’t know if you’ve seen/read Attack on Titan but I couldn’t help but think of the Survey Corps coming back from a mission all wounded when the soldiers were going to the city centre.

Anyway, the part with the protester during the Mayor’s speech was really good too. It really shone a light on how their society is in general about people speaking out against the government, and the treatment of synthetics in general. During the protester’s arrest I could really feel Ian’s helplessness, the way he wants to speak up and say something about how they are really treated, but at the same time he knows exactly what will happen if he does so he has no choice but to stay quiet. You captured that feeling really well, particularly with the officer from earlier right there behind Ian.

I thought you were a little repetitive in the Mayor’s speech, particularly this line: “tore our beautiful planet to shreds, breaking her into pieces” – you’re basically saying the same thing twice here, so I think you could drop the phrase after the comma and it would still make sense. There was another moment in his speech that had a similar problem – when the Mayor says “Now, escort him out of here, get him out of my sight”. Once again, you’re saying the same thing twice, I think it would flw better if you just wrote “Now escort him out of here” or “Now get him out of my sight”. It’s not a big issue - when I point out things like this it shows how I’m grasping at straws to provide some constructive criticism - but I thought I’d mention it anyway.

““How – How dare you?” he finally spoke”- Considering that just before that you said the mayor was not the least bit frightened by what happened, I thought it was a bit odd that he stammered with his speech. But like I said, I’m really grasping at straws here :P

Aww, thanks! Merry Christmas to you too :) And haha you’re not early at all for me, it’s 5 minutes from Christmas right now, so that’s pretty good timing in my opinion :P

Sorry for taking ages to comment on this :/ I just seem to be unable to organise myself lately. Anyway, after the first part of the chapter I’m really wondering what JTG’s plans for Sophia are. I mean, alerting Sophia to her presence just doesn’t seem that smart if her aim is to kill/capture/torture the girls some more, since last time I checked those things are illegal :P But Sophia’s pondering in this chapter made me wonder if there’s more to Miranda’s death than is currently known. Maybe she actually survived the fall and someone finished her off when she was injured. That seems most likely to me, since I think the girls (and Sara too) would have noticed if someone else pushed Miranda too. I know JTG is probably lying to Sophia and just saying Sara and Miranda were killed by the same person to capture her interest, but still, it feels like there’s something missing from the info we currently know about that night.

Anyway, I thought you wrote “the morning after” part of the chapter well. I liked Snow’s worry that she might not have satisfied Michael due to her inexperience. She’s been dealing with so much lately and those feelings really reminded me that she, despite acting mature most of the time, is only sixteen. And of course, that thought led to the inevitable gain of a few creepiness points for Michael :P As for Snow’s pregnancy scare, I’ll admit I’m a little apprehensive about it. Simply because I’m not quite sure where you’re going to go with it and once again I feel teenage pregnancy is another thing that can be either done right or very wrong. Still, if you do go down that path I’m sure you’ll write it well, but I’m very scarred from other stories :P Anyway, I liked the connection between the dream Snow had and that scene. That dream has helped her get going, but considering her current state of mind it would be one of the absolute last things she needs right now. And also, I’m not sure how relevant this is but I was a little confused that neither Snow nor Michael seemed to consider the morning-after pill :P Unless they don’t have it in USA or something, which seems unlikely to me. But then, I have no idea at all what your pharmacies are stocked with xD

Anyway, I really liked the part where Zoe showed up in the warehouse. There was a lot of intriguing information to be gained in that section, although I’m not quite sure what to make it. Firstly, Newcastle Academy of the Arcane, he says. Sorry Michael, I think you meant Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry :P You can’t hide from me. Anyway, all these mentionings of Sienna really intrigue me. I hope she appears in the story soon, although I have a feeling you’re going to make me wait a long time xD I still think she’s a viable candidate for S. But then, if she is Michael’s cousin and presumably they have a good relationship it seems a bit mean of her to tell Snow to stay away from him, but there could be some other reason why she doesn't want them together even if she and Michael are close. I’m also wondering what this Alexandria he wants to keep the Coven from is. When he said Alexandria the first thing I thought of was the city in Egypt. Somehow, I don’t think that’s what he’s talking about :P At least, I don’t see how Michael could protect that city when he’s on the other side of the world xD My next thought was that Alexandria is the kingdom that Sienna rules.

I’m glad that Snow finally got to talk with Dr Pinder. I’m happy that it made her feel better and Dr Pinder certainly gave her some really good pieces of advice. I was rather surprised that he realised something (i.e. JTG) is going on, considering that no-one else has realised that without being told. He’s a smart cookie, that one :P I also liked that we got to learn a little more about Ariana’s time there too. Yay, Pookie is safe :) I don’t know what I expected, but I certainly didn’t expect Ariana and Co. to take him in. It seems obvious now it’s happened, but the thought never crossed my mind before xD At least JTG let him go to a good family, even if she was probably just using him to freak Snow without having some kinder, cat loving motive hidden beneath her craziness :P

And by the way, thanks to you I’m gonna have Bad Blood stuck in my head for the rest of the night (well, morning, since it's almost 1 o'clock) and possibly tomorrow/today :P Although I do like that song, but I'll get sick of it after the first few hours xD

Hey, sorry for taking a while to reply. The boredom thing does make a lot more sense now you’ve explained it to me. I guess it might be good to make it a bit clearer that it’s Ian’s interpretation, but at the same time, it might just be me who didn’t get it :P So I guess maybe you could see if anyone else gets confused like I did and then change it if that happens? Either way, I think it’ll be fine :)

Sorry for taking so long to get back to this. When I started reading this story I meant to comment regularly, but somehow over the past 1 1/2 weeks things have just kept popping up -.- Anyway I really liked the scene in the café – in a sad way, of course, considering what happened :/ Poor Ian. You really described his emotions throughout that scene very well. It also did a really good job at further expanding on the way synthetics are seen in their society, like anyone who’s seen as “different”, they are shunted out :/ Oh, and I forgot to mention this in my previous comments, but your reply reminded me of this - I think you did a really good job with Ian’s emotions in the last chapter regarding his parents comparing him to the previous Ian. I can really relate to him about that, because I’m an identical twin myself. Although for me it’s not my parents who do that, but even so I think you captured his feelings about that very well.

The ending of the chapter with Hayley was very well written too, and very ominous. I’m really curious to find out what happens in Fibrtech once they are taken there. Not to mention, Hayley’s illness seems very… Well, it seems like something strange is going on, for it to worsen so suddenly just before Aaron and Ian get there. You’ve done a really good job at building up the suspense and mystery of it all, and I’m really curious to see what happens to Hayley. I hope she’s ok :/

One thing I thought was a little strange was Ian’s explanation of how the third world war occurred. I don’t know, maybe I’m looking too far into this at this point - after all, there’s no way of knowing that what Ian learns in school is actually correct – perhaps they don’t want people knowing the real reason why it happened. But assuming the textbook he’s learning from is correct, the explanation seems… Rather lacking, I suppose. I mean, the nations were bored? I think if a nuclear war happens it will be because of tensions between countries boiling over. The rest of that bit of exposition – when Ian says he doesn’t think they ever thought of the consequences of their actions – that was good, but the boredom comment seemed a bit lacking to me. Like I said, this might not be relevant if Ian simply doesn’t have the real info available, but if it is the story’s explanation for how the world ended up the way it did, it seems a little simplistic. Sorry for rambling on about this, by the way. I’m no good at explaining myself succinctly.

Anyway, other than that, I really enjoyed this chapter. It was very well written and there’s a lot of suspense so I’m really curious to see what happens next. Hopefully I’ll be able to comment quicker next time.

Thanks for the comment! I’m really glad you like all the personal storylines in this book :) I’ve always worried that I include too much personal drama, rather than focusing more the overarching plot all the time, because that’s what most fantasy stories seem to do. But I agree that characters are the most important part of a story and without some sort of personal drama I just can’t get invested, whether it’s my own stories or others. As for 805, well, I wouldn’t say he’s okay. Alive and functioning, yes, but okay? Not really :/ Still, you’re right, at least he has Hahana around to entertain him xD She’s probably one of the most kind characters in this story, and she’s very perceptive too. She knows she can make people laugh and feel better so she always tries her best to do so if the need arises.

Heheh, I’m rather ashamed to admit that the real reason Michelle’s grave was so plain was because I couldn’t be bothered thinking of anything meaningful to put on it :P 805’s words on the subject are really just me trying to justify my laziness xD Still, I do think it fits with Samantha’s personality and the general culture of the island to have just the basics written on her headstone. They have very little extravagance, so straightforward and simple is pretty much the way everything is done there :P Anyway, in regards to 805 and Sam’s relationship, Samantha really has let a lot of her anger towards him go although I don’t think she’s realised that herself yet. She’s no closer to forgiving him, but she’s certainly not as furious at him as she was. And it’s not even because their relationship has improved significantly, it’s simply because keeping an anger like that going for so long is exhausting. Especially since they are (for the moment) constantly in each other’s presence. As for Alex, I’ve wanted to include him for a long time. In fact, he’s the main reason (along with 256’s family) that I made them take this detour in the first place xD He’s a very interesting character for me because he’s so integral to Janelle’s story and the way she is now, but so far he’s only appeared in her (and Samantha’s, to a lesser extent) narration. Still, Alexander has certainly changed a lot since he dumped Janelle and their daughter. It makes sense, after all, he’s now in his mid-twenties rather than being a teenager. But does that mean he’s become a better person who’s willing to own up and apologize profusely for what he did? That’s a question for another day xD

Hehe, don’t feel comfortable for too long :P 256 may have found his family but who knows? Maybe I’ll kill them all off in the next chapter just for funsies :P Anyway, the difference in David and Sarah’s reactions will make a lot more sense in the near future, as will David’s comments about thinking 256 would die. You’re right that there’s no reason for him to think that 256 was more likely to die because he was Gifted - in fact, the Gifted children are if anything more likely to survive than nonGifted, since they’re generally better fed and the Gifted have better medical care available too. Anyway, I can’t believe it’s been so long since I said that xD It makes me feel old :P Heheh, I’m not very familiar with the Arthurian legend so I had no idea there was a Sir Gareth. I did know that Gareth is thought to mean gentle, though. I wouldn’t say I chose the name Gareth with that in mind - not initially, anyway. When I was thinking up names Gareth just popped into my head and it seemed to fit. I decided pretty quickly to go with it and after that I looked up its meaning out of curiosity, which only further cemented my decision :P By the way, I couldn’t resist the temptation to look up Gareth in the urban dictionary and let me say it scarred me for life xD Anyway, you should keep calling 256 256 for the moment. I don’t want to say much on the matter because it’s going to be rather important later on. His name/number preference will be made clear soon, I promise :P 

My favourite part of this chapter was probably the beginning, when Ian is explaining his “birth” – you did a really good job at describing that. I really like how you showed the contrast between Ian’s feelings and that of his parents. They see him as the same as the son they lost, but, although they have the same DNA, he’s not the same person. He doesn’t have the same memories, or the same way of acting about things, even though everyone expects him to. I really liked the scene where Ian admitted he was thinking of changing his name. It did a really good job of establishing Ian’s character and his way of seeing the world – in fact, the whole chapter was really good at that. You established the synthetic’s place in society well, and once again you didn’t force-feed us the information about this, it happened naturally so we can see the way they are treated ourselves rather than just being told about it.

In addition to that, this chapter continues to provide a lot of intrigue – there’s so much about this world we (and the characters) don’t know. I’m really interested to read on and see what will happen in the future. So far you’ve established the setting well and it really has a great dystopian feel to it. Good job! :)

One thing that confused me a little was the logistics of the number of people like Ian at the school. If they are cloned from students who’ve died, 100 out of 1000 seems a lot. Unless the school is in Sunnydale :P Sorry about my bad jokes… I don't even know if you've watched Buffy xD Anyway, I might just be missing something – maybe not all of them are clones of teenagers who’ve died, in which case, feel free to ignore me :P

Hey! I started reading this story a while back and really liked it, but I was too busy at the time to comment. Now school’s over for the year I thought I’d come back and give you some comments as well as read the rest of the story, since I only read around the first 5/6 chapters before. Anyway, I think this was a really good introduction to the story. You don’t force information down our throats, everything we need to know at this present moment of time is given in an organic (heh) way. Plus, there’s still a lot of mystery surrounding Fibrtech and everything else to make me really intrigued to read on. I also think you wrote the characters really well, too. Catherine’s desire to get her son back, her doubts about the process and especially the way she reacted to the contract referring to the clones as products, etc. was really moving. Not to mention, all the stuff about Fibrtech taking away malfunctioning products sounds very ominous… Needless to say, this was a really intriguing chapter and a great start to the story. There’s a lot of mystery and intrigue, the characters are good, and I’m intrigued to read on and see what happens next.

One thing I noticed, is right in the first paragraph of the story, Catherine says she isn’t sure if she’s ready, but then just a couple of sentences later she says she is ready. At least, that’s what I took from it, and it might be just me, but I found the line a little confusing because of that. Still, aside from that, I didn’t find any other errors.

As for the ampersands, which I see you’ve already gotten a lot of comments about, I wouldn’t say they bother me (I don’t really notice when I’m focused on reading) but I do find your use of them… Odd, I suppose, because I can’t think of any published books off the top of my head that use them instead of just writing 'and'. Is there a particular reason why you chose to use them?

Sorry for taking such a long time to get to this, and for being later than I said I would be :/Anyway, the beginning of the chapter was really sad to read. I can see why Ariana thinks their sheltering of Snow lead to all her suffering now, but I think I agree with Kayla more.  I mean, what are they supposed to do? Murder someone so she’s experienced loss? That seems a bit extreme :P Anyway, I guess I’m not so sure that anything they  could’ve done would have made any difference in the end. Even if she’d been less naïve about the way the world is, with all the stuff Snow’s been through… I don’t know if anyone could have been ready to deal with all that; sheltered or not. It’s just not something people are ever prepared for, I suppose. Because of that, I think Ariana’s being way too hard on herself, but like I said, I understand why she might feel that way :/ Anyway,I can’t say I expected Snow to dye her hair xD I’ll admit I was thinking along the lines of some kind of fancy lingerie when Snow said she wanted to try something in the last chapter. I did think it was weird she’d change into said lingerie before dinner rather than after, so the real explanation for what she was doing made a lot more sense than that theory xD Anyway, as I said, the hair dying thing was a bit of a surprise for me. It’s something I never really thought of happening, because… I don’t know. I just never really thought about it, I guess :P Anyway, I hope the change will be a good one for her. It seems to have helped already, after all. I wonder what everyone else will have to say about it when they return to Mistbrook Falls :P

The part with Mary in the graveyard was really sad :( Poor Mary. I’m really curious about what happened on Labour Day, and who it is she’s talking about that she had feelings for that Sara exploited. I wonder if it’s someone we know, but if it is so far I’m drawing blanks over who it could possibly be. It was also interesting to meet Rachel at last. Although, one of my sisters’ name is Rachel (although she spells it differently) and I kept thinking of her which threw me off a bit :P Anyway, sjhe does certainly seem to have more of the temperament I imagined JTG to have than Tony. She’s more vengeful, I suppose, and seems more rash from what little we’ve seen of her. Still, even if she and Tony are part of the JTG machine, I feel like there’s something missing, or someone, I suppose. I don’t think the two of them could’ve done everything by themselves - I mean, who took the photo of Sara pushing Miranda in the first place? That’s the first thing I thought of. I feel like there has to be someone else involved, perhaps someone slightly closer to the group… And the Miranda thing doesn’t explain why JTG went after Jackson, and later Steven as well. Sure, they might’ve done something to Miranda/Rachel/Tony as well, but… I don’t know. It just feels like there has to be another party involved in it all.

Anyway, onto the last part of the chapter. I can’t say I wasn’t expecting it :P I’m always apprehensive when reading sex scenes in stories (particularly on amateur sites like this one) because I feel like they’re hard to get right without making it too cheesy or gross in some way, and few people do in my opinion. Of course, not that I’d do any better if I tried to write one, so I shouldn’t judge :P Anyway, I think you wrote that part of the chapter well. Aside from the general squickiness Michael gives off (sorry, Michael :P You will never win) I thought it was sweet, and I liked how you contrasted their levels of experiencedness (it’s a word) – that made it more interesting, in my opinion. Still, for some reason the ending made me worried. I feel like something bad is about to happen. Snow’s too happy :P Anyway, overall this was a good chapter. There were lots of interesting things to happen and I’m anxious to see what happens next.

Thanks for the comment! And I’m sorry to hear you’ve been sick :/ Anyway, looks like I’m not the only one who noticed the 210,000 words thing :P I thought that was pretty cool too. It was completely unintentional xD Anyway, I would’ve thought Ennis’s identity is fairly clear given some other things Scott says - and who I named Ennis after, of course xD So probably whatever you’re thinking is correct if you have a similar train of thought to me :P Let’s just say that Scott and his stepsister - well, they’re not really stepsiblings but I don’t know what else to call their relationship :P Anyway, whatever he and Samantha are, they have more in common than they realise. And it certainly was very difficult for Michelle, Thomas, and Sam to a lesser extent, to hide him away for so long. Thomas didn’t like it for obvious reasons, while Michelle had to live with the guilt of forcing her son to remain under house arrest until she died :/ Anyway, despite their misgivings all three of them knew it was necessary to keep him hidden, so they kept going because the alternative was him getting caught and all of them, including 805 (although only Michelle knew about that part :P) getting killed for hiding him.

Speaking of 805, the info about Thomas is something I’ve been wanting to include for a very long time, but I’ve never found the space/time for it until now. I’m glad I finally managed to squeeze it in :P Anyway, he’s definitely not the only Gifted to have hated growing up in the Council. It’s a very lonely place, and although if asked most of them would never admit it (805 certainly wouldn’t, if he were sober :P) a lot of Gifted are plagued with similar feelings :/ Anyway, you’re right to be worried about him. 805’s certainly not in a good place and hasn’t been for a long time. Being a puppet of the Council and knowing they’d try and kill him eventually was a heavy burden for him to begin with, and things have gotten steadily worse for him since then. He’s very good at hiding it when he’s not completely sloshed, and overall he’s been sliding further and further into depression (and alcoholism) since they left the Council :(

 Heheh, I was thinking of a bitchy character named Polly from a TV show when I wrote this chapter – Orange is the New Black, if you’re wondering. I never really minor characters after anyone but for some reason this chapter ended up with both Ennis and Polly named after fictional characters :P Anyway, she did what she felt she had to do and she never thought Alex would be killed like that. And to be honest, he wouldn’t have been if the girl hadn’t freaked out. The two older Gifted are none too pleased with her killing a villager, especially since it’s in an area with rebels running around wreaking havoc :P It’s the last thing they need. Anyway, to be honest I didn’t really expect Alex to be killed so quickly either xD I didn’t imagine he’d be killed at all, but then I got the idea for this chapter and it just happened.  Heh, well I can’t say I remembered that speech Dumbledore gave when I wrote this chapter :P Maybe I was channelling him unconsciously, since it really does sound very similar. Anyway, thanks again for the comment! I hope you’re feeling better :)

It was really sad to see Scarlett break down at last about losing her world and family :( Especially when she spoke of her mum and the regret she feels that she didn’t say goodbye properly to her. Still, despite what Abby thinks, I believe she did the best job she could do at comforting Scarlett. I mean, it’s an impossible situation, really. No matter what Abby or anyone else said, all that hurt’s still going to be there underneath. The only thing that’ll lessen that is time, and a lot of it. I think Abby showed Scarlett she understands how she feels and, most importantly, she’s not alone, which is probably the best thing for her right now. On other things, I’ curious to see what will happen with her and Abby. Will Abby tell her about their connection, or will Scarlett figure it out for herself since they look so alike? I hope I don’t have to wait too long to find out, but somehow I get the feeling that’s wishful thinking on my part :P I’m sure the mystery will be kept for a little while long, at least.

I liked (in a sad way) the part where Abby explained what happened on Earth after Episky’s destruction to Jake. Even though we knew parts of it already and had a general gist of what happened, it’s still really sad to hear the full story from Abby herself :( It’s a terrible burden to live with, knowing her actions led to the deaths of three innocent people. Still, although obviously she’ll probably never put it behind her completely, I do hope she stops blaming herself quite so much. I mean, she is right in that at the end of the day it was her decisions and her actions that led to their deaths, but even so, what she was dealing with… Well, I think the vast majority of people would go off the rails too in a situation like that.  

Anyway, that ending scene was really well written and makes me very curious to see what will happen next. The Na’Vaxii destroyed that planet so easily it really makes me wonder why they never attacked one of the inner colonies before now. If they had the power, why didn't they do it before? What changed. It's all so curious xD Anyway, overall that whole sequence was very gripping and ominous and I’m really curious to see what happens next and how Abby, Jake, Scarlett and Co. will (I assume :P) be involved.

And this was just something I noticed, but at one point in this chapter you described Scarlett as a redhead. I wasn’t sure if this was accidental or whether she dyed her hair back again after getting rid of the redness in the last chapter :P

Heheh, I’ll admit I’d never heard of a wendigo until I read this chapter and had to google it to see if it was a real myth or if Brad was just making it up xD Still, considering the (somewhat limited) info we have so much about what Brad and Michael do in their spare time, I’m inclined to believe he’s telling the truth even if Sophia doesn’t believe him :P Anyway, overall I really liked that first point of the chapter. It was a surprise for me - I had expected them to get away before Sophia got there and she’d discover the room with all the photos on her own, but this turn of events is much more interesting. I certainly didn’t expect Tony to show up and cover for them, that’s for sure. It raises a lot of interesting questions. But as for him being JTG, eh… I’m still not convinced, even though Clara and Co. seem to be :P I guess Tony probably knows who she is (or at  least, he’s in contact with her, but perhaps she hasn’t revealed her identity), but… I don’t know. He seems too sane xD Of course, if he is the real JTG then that may just be a front, but I still feel like there’s someone else too, at least. Someone behind the scenes, who’s more… Well, less mature, I suppose, although that’s not really the right word. I guess with the tone of JTG’s texts, her reaction to Clara deleting her number, Snow’s suicide attempt and the whole Halloween thing I imagined her being more volatile, even though obviously she’s still good at covering her tracks (Dennis :’( RIP). I don’t get that impression from Tony, although he hasn’t exactly appeared much and if he’s really smart he could be putting on that volatile persona to cover his tracks… Plus the phrase JTG wasn’t actually used so I’m inclined to believe he’s not her, although it’s certainly possible that they’re in contact with each other. And I wouldn’t rule out him being responsible, either directly or indirectly, for Sara’s murder given the views he expressed in this chapter. But long story short, I have no idea what to think :P Anyway, now that I’ve sufficiently confused myself, I’ll proceed xD

I liked the tension throughout the group’s confrontation with Tony. He’s a creepy guy, that’s for sure. I’m inclined to believe that video was real, since he had that look of fear when they brought it up (although perhaps he’s just that good of an actor) and I’m curious to see what comes of it, particularly since Sophia is determined to find out what’s going on. I do think Jackson did the right thing by confronting him – I mean, what else could they do, really? But I am worried about the repercussions. Even if the video is real, I’m sure Tony +/- JTG won’t go down that easily. They must have something up their sleeves for him to be so calm about everything :P Anyway, I liked the scene at Clara’s house, particularly the end when Jackson and Snow talked. As someone who’s been continuously on the wrong end of unrequited love I was definitely feeling for Jackson in that part. I’m sorry Snow, I know you mean well but ‘I’ll always love you’ and ‘I want you to find that to’, does not reassure. Not at all :P But I do I feel sorry for Snow too, especially since she’s already dealing with so much. Anyway, this isn’t really related to this chapter per se but I’m curious what will happen with him and Snow if it does turn around that Emilia used magical pheromones to seduce him like that time she kissed Snow. I hadn’t really thought about that for a while, but when I was reading this chapter it popped into my head again. I wonder how they’d both react to that revelation if it turns out to be true.

“And I don’t just say that to make myself look any less like the cradle-robbing pervert I appear to be” that line made me laugh more than it should have :P Anyway, I was glad to see Snow so happy to be back in the warehouse. Of course, she’s still dealing with everything else under the surface but it’s better than nothing. I’m curious to see what happens next at the warehouse – Although I feel like I have a pretty good idea already, but I don’t want to say in case I’m wrong xD Anyway, Snow’s dream - If that’s what it was – dead people come and go all the time in this story so I wouldn’t rule out Snow’s time-travelling daughter from the future inhabiting her mind or something :P Anyway, I thought her dream was well-written, and it was nice to get a bit of hope for the future too. I’m guessing the name of the girl would be Ariana :P That was the first thing that popped into my head, anyway, considering how she acted, but maybe I’m completely wrong and it’s Sara or something xD Still, I’m glad that Snow’s found something to hold onto, something to make her think that they might get through everything with some possibility for a normal life. Although personally I still feel slightly squicked out when Michael’s talking about starting a family in the future with his currently sixteen year old girlfriend. Sorry, Michael :P No matter how mature she acts, it’s still on the creepy side for me :P

And RIP Dennis :( I was surprised that JTG made his death seem natural by using his allergy. It makes perfect sense that she’d do that, but still, for some reason I was expecting a bloody murder. I hope Pookie (that’s my name for his cat. I don’t know why) finds a home…

Thanks for the comment! I wanted to keep 256’s feelings on the matter with Carey a bit of a mystery for a while. I’m not really sure why :P It just seemed like the right thing to do. Anyway, he’s certainly very hurt by her actions and he doesn’t understand at all why she’d chose to keep 440’s death a secret for so long, but he’s not angry. As you say, it's just not in his nature to get really furious about something, even if it upsets him as much as Carey's betrayal does. And you’re right that 256 is in no way at fault for 440’s actions, despite what he thinks. In the end, 440 made his own choices and that darker side to him was always there, under the surface. Besides, as you say even if 256 had reached out to him after their punishment, it may not have made a difference. 440 was already pretty far gone by then :/ He may have been able to delay 440’s downward spiral for a little while, if that, but overall it wouldn’t be enough to undo what had already been done.

I’m glad you thought the suspense was okay during 256’s raid of the Gifted house. I wouldn’t say it’s one of my strong points so I’m glad what I did manage was effective :P Anyway, the Servants have the worst of the lot without question. They are (in general) given safer, more secure living environments and are better fed than a lot of the nonGifted, but even so, they are allowed no individual identity and are raised and conditioned into slavery. And that’s not even getting into the frequently cruel and dismissive treatment of Servants by the Gifted, which is pretty much a normalised part of their society. Let’s just say there’s a reason why the personal Servant assigned to 805 when he was a fake Council member was a young, pretty female instead of an older male like the one in this chapter.

256 hasn’t really considered the fact that his family could very well have moved away, or one or both of his parents could be dead. He’s got an image of what his family should be like and is so focused on actually finding them that there’s a lot of factors he hasn’t really considered. It’s been nineteen years since that record was made, after all. Anything could have happened since then :/ Still, finding out where his parents at least used to be will certainly be helpful, and there’s still a fair chance one or both of them are still there even after all these years. Perhaps he'll get lucky, and they'll either still be there or there'll be a clear trail to follow.

Thanks for the comment, and no worries for taking a while. I’m currently at Sydney Airport waiting to go home, so I’ve been rather busy myself this past week :P Anyway, Brooke’s at that age that if she sees two single people talking and enjoying each other’s company she automatically assumes there’s something going on between them. At least, that’s the way my group was at school when we were her age, I don’t know about anyone else :P Still, despite Brooke’s hopes and dreams, Janelle is certainly a long way off from another relationship. Her previous two have both ended very badly in different ways, so she’s not exactly jumping to get into another one, even if she did have strong feelings for someone. But, despite that, she and Ben certainly have a connection. Whether that connection is romantic or platonic? Who knows! I don’t :P Still, Janelle feels like he’s the one who understands her best right now, although of course she could be completely wrong about that and he could be using her for some devious plan.

Janelle (and everyone else who knows about the Gifted in their group) will always be cautious about telling anyone about Carey, 256 and Thomas’s Gifts. Understandably it’s a sore spot for many of the rebels, and even though she knows Henry was the one behind the Gifted mutilation she’s cautious. And who knows? Perhaps they lied about Henry and he was acting on higher orders :P Or maybe they were telling the truth and he is solely to blame. I’m just putting it out there xD Anyway, she knows how much danger they could be in if anyone finds out. After all, even if Caleb, Marina, Ben and all the other leaders don’t care the ordinary foot soldiers of the rebellion could find out through the grapevine and they pose just as much of a threat. And wow, you like Caleb? Mission accomplished! It was a hard road… ;)

Anyway, Ben certainly still has a few mysteries to unravel (he’s rather like Reagan in that regard xD), and there’s a lot of information he’s left out of his story. As for the Gifted attacking the inn, there very well could be a specific reason why, but I will say there doesn’t necessarily have to be one. The Gifted are all different in terms of their strictness towards the nonGifted – some (most) will happily allow them to have their inns, brothels, etc, anything that’s against the law (mostly because they can then use the goods and services provided in such places :P) but others are much stricter and will alert the Council that the place exists which leads to a group being ordered to shut the place down, i.e. destroy it. Of course, like I said, that doesn’t mean there wasn’t a specific reason why Ben’s inn was destroyed – like he said, even the more tolerant Gifted will destroy places if they think there are rebels in the area, or other reasons that mean they want to get rid of the joint xD I’m sorry if that’s really rambley and confusing, by the way. I’m tired, and I’ve got a 5 hour flight to look forward to :P Thanks again for the comment!

I’m glad Snow agreed to see a specialist, even though she only seems to agree to please her parents.  I think it could definitely be very helpful for her, especially if it’s Dr Pinder (I assume that’s who Ariana meant). I mean, he and his team pulled Ariana herself out of a very dark place (bit of an understatement there) so I’m hopeful that they will be able to help Snow as well if given the chance. It’s sure to take time, but even so, hopefully some therapy will help her accept Ariana’s inevitable death or at least be at semi-peace with it.

Still, the break in part of the chapter was definitely my favourite part. It was well written, lots of suspense and there was lots of interesting information to be gained. That video of Tony and Miranda was quite a surprise. I can’t say I was expecting Miranda’s secret to be anything like that – I presume this is the secret that Sara knew about Miranda, at least part of it anyway. It’s interesting that both Sara and Miranda used their desks (in slightly different ways though) to hide things. Also, I’m definitely rather suspicious of Steven at this point. He just seems way to confident and jokey about the whole thing :P Either he’s been watching way too many crime shows (which is admittedly a possibility – those things are addictive) or he’s done something like this before – and if so, what?

As for Miranda’s parents being JTG, personally I’m less convinced than Clara and the gang that they are in fact her. No just because of that last scene, I was rather unsure before then, but that just confirmed it for me. Obviously JTG wants them to suspect Miranda’s parents… But why? Does she just want to keep the eyes off her? Or is there some other reason? I mean, surely they must know about JTG and they’re most likely on her side (after all, if they didn’t know who she is, I have a hard time believing that they didn’t notice a secret, encrypted room in their house that she hid there. Unless JTG is even more of a ninja than she seems :P). Additionally, like Clara thought, it is very strange that Tony doesn’t have a password on his computer which contained his case files and potentially other incriminating information. Maybe JTG wanted them to find out that information for some reason and set it all up, although I don’t know why. Perhaps she wants to get Rachel and Tony arrested as well. I mean, even if Clara and Co. get charged with breaking and entering there’s certainly evidence in their house that they’ve been stalking the girls/may be suspects in Sara’s murder. Perhaps Tony’s computer has some other incriminating evidence that JTG planted to pin the blame on them or something.

I feel bad for saying this, but in some ways, I kind of hope they get caught by Sophia. I’m really curious to see what Sophia’s reaction would be if she gets there and realises her younger cousin’s friends are the masterminds behind the burglary. But regardless, even if Clara and Co. manage to escape by the time Sophia gets there, the door to the JTG room will presumably still be open. Unless JTG is a super ninja and goes to close it in the short space of time between them leaving and Sophia arriving, which seems a little impossible even for her. Still, presuming Sophia does get to see that room, I’m interested to see what she will make of it and how things will change as a result.

I love Dennis’s cat :P So appropriate for him. Anyway, RIP Dennis L Perhaps that’s premature of me to say and next chapter he’ll still be alive and kicking, but I felt like a “Dennis is dying” moment. If she kills the cat I’ll never forgive her. Not that she was particularly forgivable before, having stalked a group of teenagers and likely killed Dennis, among other things, but whatever. Anyway, overall this was a really good chapter, with lots of intrigue and interesting development. I really want to see what happens when Sophia arrives at Miranda’s parents’ house, even if Clara and the gang are still there.Sorry for rambling so much, by the way. Once again, I have to get up at 5 tomorrow morning but I've still managed to stay up far too late considering that :P

Thanks for the comment! Heh, personally I think Samrey sounds slightly better than Camantha xD And hey, if you want to ship them go ahead,  I don’t care :P Anything could happen, that’s what I say. Anyway, it was important to me to include the stuff with Samantha reminding Carey of 440’s less than honourable actions – not because it really changes much, even if 256 knew about them, but I felt it was important to mention because I haven’t really highlighted the fact that he wasn’t the nicest guy around for a while. I don’t want it to seem like I’m excusing the things he did because of his sad past. Anyway, Samantha has only ever seen that side of 440, since 256 has never spoken about him to her and she’s only heard about their relationship second-hand from Carey, so she doesn’t understand why 256 is upset. Still, even if she had known she’d still be firmly on Carey’s “side”. She’s a firm believer in sisters before misters :P Anyway, I’m glad Carey’s feelings were well conveyed. She’s feeling pretty broken at this point :/ She’s been carrying the guilt of not saying anything for a long time and that’s all exploded to the forefront now she’s actually seen his reaction, and what’s more, she has no idea how she can fix it and make things right again.

Heh, I don’t think 805 would be able to manage much more than stunned silence if Hahana followed through and told him about that plan xD And since both of Maui’s sisters are actually already married and polygamy isn’t generally practiced in Zeia or on the island, Hahana’s got a very hard case to make there :P Still, I think 805 is developing a certain fondness for her (which is a good thing, because as you say he’s likely going to be stuck with her for a while :P) but his sanity would probably start to slip if he had to spend more than twenty minutes alone with her.

Well, you’re not wrong with your prediction about 805’s forest adventure being related to what was in his kitchen cabinet :P Whenever he’s being vague and acting suspicious about something, that’s usually what’s involved. Although, I wouldn’t say he was trying to find a way to make alcohol. That’s a bit beyond his culinary/general creative abilities. He was looking for a reliable black market supply nearby to the cottage they’re currently in. He doesn’t have any money though so perhaps he sold his severed heads and used the coins to buy himself some booze :P But being serious now, the idea I have in my head is that he took some of the meat Maui collected for the cottage and sold it, since meat is usually a delicacy for the nonGifted so he could sell it at a hefty price. Then he bought the alcohol with that money. What he was doing out and about is not really a big secret (hence why I just told you :P) because both the readers/characters know about his taste for the hooch (I really love that word), it’s just his way of trying to hide it and failing.

I’ll admit when I started the story I hadn’t really thought about where 256 came from, but as I kept writing I always seemed to have the Lake Village in my mind. I knew he wasn’t a farmer like Carey and it seemed right to have one of the characters actually coming from the most populated area of the island instead of them all being from, as a friend of mine often says about our city, “the arse-end of nowhere” xD As for 256’s parents dying in Janelle’s rebellion, it’s certainly possible, but their attack was directly on the Gifted’s living space and the number of civilian deaths were very limited even though so many rebels died. Still, who knows? Perhaps 256’s family were the unlucky bunch who got caught in the crossfire *evil laughter*. Still, it’s entirely possible they died in that rebellion or others – Janelle’s group is hardly the first to pass through the area, and since the Lake Village is such a large town/city (the name Lake Village simply comes from its origins as, well, a small village built next to a large lake :P) and an industrial centre of the island, it’s a favourite target of anyone looking to stir up some trouble. Still, overall, it’s more likely that 256 either won’t be able to find his parents at all or they’ll be dead by more natural means.

… And full of terrors! Sorry, I had to do that xD And sorry for taking such a long time to read this :( Anyway, overall I really enjoyed this chapter (in a sad way). Poor Snow :( I’m really worried about her, more than I was before, and that’s saying something. She seems so fragile, so close to breaking down again even though she’s trying her hardest to convince everyone, including herself, that she’s not. I don’t think she’ll attempt suicide again but even so she’s certainly in a dark place and she risks going even deeper into that.

Anyway, JTG’s message made me curious again. I didn’t really think of this when I read the last chapter – or maybe I did, I can’t quite remember :P But I’m pretty sure I didn’t. Anyway I’m wondering why JTG picked Kayla first in that message to Snow. Was it just to put a name to the threat, or is there a specific reason?

Michael continues to be a frustrating creature in this chapter :P I felt sorry for him when he was talking with Snow :( I think you portrayed his emotions and the way the guilt from his sister’s death all came to the surface. I think his conversation with Mary was the most interesting part of the chapter, although I’m not sure what to think of it. After reading that part my theory about why he raped her is the same, and at least he managed to show some remorse for what he did at last, particularly since he’d been so cold about it when talking to Emily before, but… I don’t know. For me it felt too little, too late. I’m sure he’s being sincere when he says he’s sorry, but I still can’t muster up any sympathy for him – in this regard, anyway. Like I said I felt sorry for him for most of the chapter, with Snow and his sister and all, but my sympathy for him vanished when he was talking to Mary (and then came back later). I’m also rather sceptical of his asking Mary to keep it all a secret from Snow. I mean, what does he think’s going to happen? Surely he doesn’t plan on keeping it a secret from Snow forever. I get not telling her now since she’s recovering from a suicide attempt and very vulnerable, but in the long run I don’t think keeping it a secret is a great idea. A lie like that is really not a great basis for a relationship, Michael. If that’s your plan it’s stupid one :P She’s only going to end up getting more hurt in the long run and if he really feels remorse than probably the guilt of it would compel him to tell her eventually and by then things will be a lot worse. But I suppose no matter when she finds out it’s going to hurt, so really it’s a lose-lose situation for Michael. Oh well. If his intentions do turn out to be good, then maybe he should’ve handled things better.

I liked Mary and Snow’s conversation as well. Although, I have to say, Snow’s pretty far from correct when she says being beautiful doesn’t get you anywhere :P I mean, as much as we don’t want it to be true and the world would be a much better place if it wasn’t, in my experience beauty certainly doesn’t hurt when getting you places (just look at the way Hollywood is, for example). I guess as a beautiful person Snow probably can’t see that as well as an exceptionally plain person like me can xD Still, I liked how Snow still tried to help her even though she’s dealing with so much herself. I think Mary holding her up on a pedestal probably doesn’t help much, though. I don’t know, it seems like extra pressure on Snow and she really doesn’t need that. Still, hopefully if Mary does start to gain self-confidence (and, I feel like she’s gained some already, although she’s still got a long way to go) it’ll be better for both of them.

I’m worried about this breaking and entering thing with Miranda’s parents. Although I’m excited because I feel like there might be some useful information to be found, I’m also worried. Steven really did seem overconfident and perhaps there’s a reason for that, but even so it worries me that either JTG (if she doesn’t want them snooping around there) or someone else will find them. I wonder what will happen at the warehouse (I presume that’s what Snow means. I don’t see what else it could be :P). I don’t get as much of a foreboding vibe as I do for the expedition to Miranda’s house, but even so, I’m worried something bad’s going to happen :/

I was really surprised when Sara showed up in this chapter. I fully expected Clara or Michael to be the one to find Snow first, so I like that twist. That part of the chapter was really emotional and sad :( Once again, I liked seeing a more human side to Sara (even though she’s a ghost or whatever :P) since hearing about everything else she’s done tends to make me feel negatively towards her. Anyway, it was really sad but heart-warming that she saved Snow and tried to help her. Sara’s appearance is very curious, though. I don’t think she’s a Guide like Cooper and Claire. I don’t know what she could be, but I don’t think she’s the same as them. Now I’m thinking maybe Sara is S after all, since she seems to be able to wander through Michael’s house at will and you said S was in the best position to keep an eye on Michael. But… in a way that seems almost too obvious, so maybe it isn't Sara :P Of course, the best place to hide something is in plain sight, so maybe you just want me to double-guess myself and Sara really has been S all along xD Or it could be a double-bluff and someone else entirely is S. Okay, I think I’ve confused myself enough for one night :P

Anyway, onto the main point of this chapter: I’m exceptionally glad ad relieved that Snow survived her suicide attempt. Overall, I did expect her to, but the niggling doubt in my mind meant I couldn’t rest easy on the matter xD Still, my personal feelings aside, storywise I think it was the good decision to keep her alive even though it did deprive you of a possible Ned Stark moment (I’m really starting to like that phrase :P). The story’s been so depressing and hopeless lately and killing Snow (particularly by suicide) would have made it a lot bleaker than it already is, possibly almost too bleak, although it’s hard to judge because I'm biased and want Snow to survive. I don’t think my heart could have taken it if she died :/ Sorry if that paragraph is really confusing, by the way. I’m tired xD

I liked everyone’s reactions (in a sad way, of course) to Snow’s attempted suicide. Kayla and Ariana were especially heartbreaking :( I can’t even begin to imagine what they’re going through. I thought it was very realistic how vulnerable they both seemed and how, even though they’re both so broken-hearted were able to lean on each other and give Snow support even though I’m sure they’re both feeling so helpless. It was nice of them to comfort Michael a bit, too. I felt sorry for him. I’m still looking forward greatly to the day when he receives some form of justice for his past behaviour, but even so I know how deeply he cares for Snow and how much this has shattered him like it did the others. Especially since he thinks it’s his fault. Like Ariana and Kayla said, it’s not, but I can certainly see why he thinks that way, especially after what happened to his sister, which I assume is what he was referring to at the end of that paragraph there when he said he was always too late. Although I’m sure there could be other events he’s referring to as well that I don’t know about, but no doubt that was on his mind.

Steven does seem oddly confident about breaking into the Sinclair’s house. I mean, even if the security cameras are down, anything could happen. One of Miranda’s parents could go home early, the neighbours could see them, etc. There’s still lots of potential things that could go wrong. Anyway, his confidence makes me wonder if he’s done something like this before :P Of course, I could be overthinking it and he’s just proud of himself for getting control of their security system and therefore is slightly more overconfident than he should be. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see if Steven’s got any sort of breaking and entering under his belt already xD Still, I wonder if they’ll go through with the plan now Snow is in hospital. Since they were planning to do it without her before, I feel they might, but at the same time they’re all so shattered perhaps it will be put on hold for a while. I hope they do break in sooner rather than later, though. There isn’t much they can do but keep trudging forward, even if it seems like an impossible task :/ I hope they find something to be positive about soon.

Claire’s visit was another part I really liked to read. I was pleasantly surprised she showed up, and her part in the chapter left me with lots of intriguing questions. I really wonder what’s going up in her and Cooper’s part of the world, and what it is that Fate did. Since Sara was in this chapter (and there really is no other evidence supporting this theory xD) I was thinking maybe she changed things in a way that lead to Sara dying before she’d finished all her tasks. That might not be it, but I think it’s likely that Fate’s changing of the rules had to do with her changing the fate of someone in a way that meant their tasks didn’t get completed and the world has been altered as a result, whether it’s Sara or someone else entirely. And of course, JTG’s text there at the end intrigued me too. It was more or less what I expected – as I said for the last chapter, JTG obviously doesn’t want Snow dead at this present moment, although her message was a lot more aggressive than I thought it would be xD Anyway, overall I really enjoyed (in a sad way) reading this chapter. I’m relieved that Snow is physically okay, and I’m really curious to see how her suicide attempt will continue to affect everyone, as well as how their possible break-in will go.

Thanks for the comment! I’ve already dragged on this whole deal with 440 for long enough, so I knew I couldn’t keep it out for much longer. Now I’ve finally gotten to it I can move on to the next part of the story, which is good because that has been dragged out excessively too xD Anyway, I’m glad you found 256’s reaction to the whole thing realistic. I was worried what people would think since he’s normally rather passive, so I thought they might find his anger unrealistic. But for me it just seemed to fit, as it shows just how upset he is about this.

I felt bad for Carey too, writing this :/ Still, you’re right, she certainly doesn’t get his feelings. She believes he’s just infatuated with an idealised version of her, and he definitely was at the start, but his feelings have morphed into something more substantial and real. Heheh, the name/number combination really doesn’t really meld well to a shipping name, does it xD 256’s real name sounds pretty stupid melded with Carey’s too, when I tried it out in my head. So long story short, I can’t help you there :P

I’m glad you like Sam and Carey’s friendship, too. I’ve really been enjoying writing about them, since their friendship isn’t really something I ever really thought of either xD I just kept writing and it happened :P Granted, that’s true for most of the friendships (and romances) in this story, but theirs is probably the best example. And yes, Carey and 256 certainly agree with your theory :P They will act under the assumption that that’s how her Gift works, so before long it’ll become apparent if they’re right or not. And lol, your mention of magical tears had me thinking of that scene at the end of Tangled xD  Still, a Big Book of Stealth Gifted would certainly be a useful to to have, but sadly such a thing doesn’t exist. Probably. I mean, never say never, right? xD It’s certainly not immediately available to them, anyway. They’ll have to figure things out as they go along instead :P

Heheh, well I can’t say I’m surprised that you’re surprised that Evelyn and Brooke are related. In all their previous appearances, they weren’t, so it’s a perfectly reasonable assumption to make :P Originally I’d imagined that they’d joined the rebellion around the same time and becoming close friends/surrogate families for each other from then on rather than having met before. They weren’t supposed to have much of a role in the story, other than being someone else other than Wesley for Janelle to interact with, as well adding some names to the faces of the group so they seemed more real. But when I got to this chapter I came up with a fairly elaborate backstory for them where they obviously have a much closer, familial connection. I enjoyed writing about them so much they’ll definitely have an expanded role in the future, a lot more than I ever intended them to have xD But yeah, most of the rebels certainly have a interesting story or two, and Evelyn is no exception.

And lol, I’m glad my chapter may be of use to you to get your employees to behave. That’s one use for it, I suppose. Maybe I should get my own juniors to read it too :P

Wow, this chapter was just… I really don’t know what to say at this point. It’s all so depressing :( I guess I will start at the beginning. I wonder how Jacob would react if Clara ever told him her role in his accident. I thought he might figure it out when she almost told him back at the hospital, but it doesn’t seem like it. Or maybe he has, and he’s just hiding it really well, but that seems unlikely since he hasn’t given much indication of it. That I’ve noticed, anyway :P I am pretty unobservant so it’s still possible. I feel really bad for her though :( To have that guilt eating away at her, on top of the fact that she’s starting to like the guy, but not being able to tell him what she did because otherwise JTG will do something horrible, it’s… Well, it’s a tough situation to be in, and that’s most certainly an understatement :/

Now, about the rest of the chapter. I’m lost for words :( I just… I could see where the chapter was going once Snow started drinking again, but still… It’s really upsetting to see how far Snow has sunk into depression, to the point where she’d even attempt suicide. I don’t really think she’ll die, since there still seems to be a lot for her to do, but… Who knows. You could pull a Ned on me :/ Anyway, her descent into darkness and her thought processes throughout the whole chapter seemed really realistic to me. I could feel her pain very clearly and it was difficult to read that last part because of it. Still, like I said I do think Snow will survive, maybe similar to how Ariana in The Girl and the Warehouse, where she was brought back by supernatural means, since she probably still has tasks or whatever to complete. But even if I’m right, Clara’s certainly correct that her attempt will shatter them all :/ Clara’s words really struck a cord with me in this chapter, especially when she said they needed a victory. I wholeheartedly agree with her on that front. They do need a victory, no matter how small. Especially now :( I’m not really sure what it could be, but they need something to tide them over for a while. Even if it’s just something small, something has to happen to show them that they might have the slightest chance of coming out on top, or at least not have their lives destroyed.

 As for Michael, I actually feel really sorry for him in this chapter. Even though I’m certainly not his biggest fan, it saddens me greatly to think how he’ll feel if he’s the one who finds Snow :( He seems the most likely candidate, since we know he’s obviously going to be heading back there – unless Clara somehow gets there before him. I don’t know, I just get that vibe with her being so sure something was wrong in the first part of the chapter, maybe she’ll somehow end up at Michael’s house looking for her and find her before he gets back. Although, I suppose that seems unlikely unless Michael for some reason left his front door open. I wonder what JTG will think of her suicide attempt though. Even though she told Snow to hang herself, I don’t think she’d actually want Snow to die yet – surely she still has plans for her? I guess I think if she wanted Snow dead, she would have killed her back at Halloween when she had the chance. Anyway, overall this was a really emotional, well written chapter and I’m really, really, really anxious to see what happens next.

Poor, poor Snow :( The way she’s acting and everything she’s feeling makes me want to give her a hug and never let go. You portrayed her downward spiral in a realistic and heartbreaking way and I’m really worried about her. At the moment, I really don’t see how she’s going to go on from this. So much has happened, so much heartbreak and secrets and stalking and torture, and I don’t have much hope. She’s so shattered, and even though Michael wants to help her through it, he’s only going to make it worse in the end when his secret about Mary comes to light :/ He worries me the most, I think. I do (begrudgingly :P) believe him when he says he loves Snow, but… He’s creepy xD No matter what he does, he just has that vibe.

Anyway, I’m worried about what he’s going to do in his attempts to help Snow. I don’t really see what else he could do to try and help Ariana (and by extension Snow) other than look for more magical ways. Unless he donates a fortune to some cancer research company, but that’s hardly a guarantee that she'll be saved so it doesn’t seem all that likely. I suppose he could do that on top of more magical research though. Anyway, if he does find some magical way to cure Ariana, I’m sure it won’t come free. And depending on what the consequences are, will it be worth it? Not that Ariana's life isn't worth a lot, I'm just sure Ariana herself wouldn’t want to be saved if the cost was great (like someone else dying, or something like that), so… Yeah, I don’t quite know what to expect from Michael when he says he won’t rest ‘til Snow finds peace. I’m worried because he definitely seems like the type of person who’ll do anything to accomplish his goals, no matter what it is. I was glad to see Kayla there at the end though. She reassures me that Michael will have to face some form of justice for what he’s done at some point xD I'm so vindictive :P

Anyway, I really liked reading Michael and Zoe’s conversation. I’m immensely curious about everything they talked about xD But first and foremost, I’m wondering who this Princess Sienna is. Mostly I wonder if she’s someone else in disguise… I don’t know if she’s appeared in person, but I’m definitely leaning towards her being S or something like that. I thought S might be Sara’s ghost, but then S didn’t know who JTG was and Sara did, so… That seems less likely now, although still possible since Sara could’ve just been pretending she didn’t know who JTG was. But then, I’m not sure if S is this new Princess Sienna because if she’s one of Michael’s closest allies, so why would she want Snow to stay away from him? Unless she just doesn’t want Snow to get involved in all these shenanigans for some reason, which is definitely possible. I wonder what’s up with S, actually. She hasn’t been around much at all lately. She’s obviously given up on warning Snow to stay away from Michael xD I guess she knows she’s fighting a losing battle :P Still, even though everything else in the chapter was sad, there was a whole load of new information revealed in this chapter that I hadn’t been expecting so I’m happy.

Thanks for the comment! I felt like the voice of the ordinary nonGifted person gets lost sometimes, since as you say most of the rebels have already been exposed to the cruelty of the regime firsthand. After all, they’re rebels for a reason :P Alex the Farmer (that’s what I’ve been calling him) therefore represents the ordinary nonGifted view - he doesn’t have any tragedy related to the Gifted in his life, he just does his job and he gets what he needs from it. The idea of rebels swooping in and changing everything he’s ever known scares him quite a bit. And yes, that is how you move a small mob of sheep :P You’d need cars or horses for a large group though, or it would take a very long time xD When I was at the farm they were shearing sheep so we did a lot of moving small groups around the sheep yards and at first you really feel stupid doing it but eventually you just give in and start flapping your arms and making weird noises because it’s most effective :P

As for Wesley, his thoughts are sadly fairly common among the rebels themselves. And although Wesley’s certainly not at the mutilating stage (he was very disturbed by what Henry and Co. did, and it’s part of the reason why he doesn’t really trust the rebels) but even so, it’s not a very good thought to have :/

Heheh, note writing really isn’t one of Sam’s strengths, is it xD Anyway, 256 is very disturbed by the whole thing, even though 805 himself doesn’t care that Samantha kept Michelle’s death a secret (or attempted to, anyway). And, while a part of him can sort of understand why Sam herself hid it from 805, he doesn’t understand at all why Carey would also keep it a secret, because if he’d known beforehand he would have told 805 no matter what Sam threatened him with :P As for Sam and 805, they’ve certainly taken a positive step, but who knows? Perhaps this is as far as they’ll get on the road to being something :P

As for 805, his attitude towards his uniform really isn’t the best way to look at his attitude about leaving the Gifted. 256 bases what 805 feels over what he felt when he left the Gifted, but, like many things (he’s really not that good at comparing his own situations to others in a rational way, is he xD) there’s a lot of factors he hasn’t taken into account. Like you say, 805 isn’t really the sort of person to cling to his old uniform, and by extension, his old life, the way 256 did – he’s far too practical for that. He can’t go back, and he’s very aware of it. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss his old life and feel lost about what to do now, especially since it’s much harder to start a new life at the age of 48 than it was for 256 to start one at 18. The Gifted propaganda worked a lot better on him too, the deeper layers of it, anyway. 805 does truly believe that without the Gifted his self-worth is lost, because when he was young and being told these things he didn’t have anyone who cared for him to prove it wrong. For 256 it was a slightly shallower belief because, even though their friendships didn’t end well, he had two people who cared for him deeply and who he cared for in return.

I liked what Frank and Jack said about fear in this chapter to Alex. Particularly when Jack was comforting her, that was a really sweet moment among the horror. They’re both right about fear, I think it’s definitely important in keeping someone alert and able to react to the situation, but I suppose like everything there’s a balance – if you fear too much then you’re paralysed instead. But so far, I think Alex has faced her fear quite well given the circumstances, even though she probably doesn’t feel that way. She’s doing a better job than I would be doing in that situation, anyway xD I liked her thoughts at the end as well, when they were going to the bus, where she repeated the “this is all a dream” mantra in her head. It seems a very realistic coping mechanism for her to have, even though it’s fruitless since it’s certainly not a dream. Unless you’re just trolling and the story ends with her waking up from a really bad nightmare, but somehow I doubt that will happen xD

Anyway, I liked getting to see a bit more of Frank’s character too. Although what he said to Alex was pretty creepy – I’m going to hope the girl she reminds him of his daughter/sister/niece or something to that effect :P The scene with Lily and Laine at the start was good too. Poor Laine :( Her death was very gut-wrenching. When they first appeared earlier in the chapter I thought one of them might die in the future, but I didn’t think it would happen so soon :/ I feel really sorry for Lily. She’s seen what I presume is her whole family die in front of her and the danger isn’t gone, so… Yeah, I’m curious to see what happens with her.

Your horror writing continues to be really good. I was actually really frightened when they were making their way to the bus >.< Granted, I get scared pretty easily but even so the suspense and gore of it all really got to me, so good job. Anyway, I’m glad they’re off the mountain, at least, although I don’t really expect anything to get much better for them :/ But I’m really curious to see what’s happening with the rest of the world. The broadcast at the end offered a bit of explanation, but even so, it’ll be interesting to see what happens from here.

Thanks for the comments! I’m glad Janelle is relatable. She’s dealt with a lot in her short lifetime and as a result she really lacks self-confidence. It’s a recurring problem for her throughout the story. I’m glad 256 is realistic, too. And he’s certainly got a few secrets, too xD And no worries about taking a while. It’s not like I’ve been all that punctual lately :/

Wow, so much happened in this chapter! I really like the way the plot developed in the first part and the last part especially. The conflict between the churches is the most interesting part of the story for me so I was glad to have so much happen on that front. I particularly liked the ending from Prae’s POV. It was shocking how quickly it all happened, and I really don’t have much of an idea of what will happen now. The Lord Sage seems all powerful at the moment, but I hope Prae/someone else finds some way to undermine him.

Raven and Tiberius’s reaction to her losing an eye really bugged me in this chapter. We don’t have two forward facing eyes so one is a spare, the overlap of the two fields of vision is what gives humans great depth perception. Without it, Raven would really struggle to judge distances, which is required for shooting arrows and fighting well. So I was very skeptical of the fact she was able to aim and hit the necromancer perfectly on the eye (which is a tiny target in the scheme of things) with her arrow when really she’d have to relearn how to aim a bow with her handicap. Same with her fighting and using the crossbow later, it would be a lot harder for her to land blows and fight effectively so soon after losing half her vision and her depth perception. These things bother me because there’s a lot of wasted potential for the great emotional impact her injury would have and the work she’d have to do to overcome it. There was a tiny bit, when she mentions coping with only seeing to the far right, but… Overall, she forgets about it pretty quickly and it just seems to be a passing thought.

I liked Keilum’s part of the chapter though. Your descriptions continue to be really good and reading about the way Keilum discovered his powers and the culture of the church was interesting. I feel sorry for Stag though :( Anyway, one thing I did find odd is that both Keilum and the red-haired boy were acting rather bashful and blushing when they first met each other, but then the red-haired boy just grabs his penis and starts kissing him. I feel like there needed to be a bit more there – for me it just wasn’t convincing that they’d act so quickly when they were being rather shy just before. Other than that though, I liked Keilum’s part.

Anyway, in terms of language and grammar, I think the story is a lot better than it was at the start, so good job :) You do still need to be careful of words that sound the same but are spelt different – for example, you kept writing “plain” in Raven’s section, when really it should be plane as in plane of existence. You also have a couple of instances where you’ve used colloquial language in the narrative (such as saying Raven’s ankle “killed” instead of hurt or something like that). I don’t know, maybe I’m just a snob, but it feels rather off-putting in what is otherwise a serious story to see language like that outside of dialogue. Still, overall I feel like the narrative flows much better and there are less errors than before, so there’s been a significant improvement :)

The first part of the chapter was interesting, particularly the second half. I liked seeing Raven be more effected by what she sees and experiences, even though I felt bad for her when she was retching and stuff. It definitely adds a level of realism to the way she reacts to their world. I’m worried for her and the other two now, though, although I’m hopeful that I’ll at least get to learn more about the Black from this encounter. The beginning of Raven’s part confused me a little. I didn’t really get why Tiberius sees Raven as unusual because she’s a powerful woman, when his own mother obviously breaks gender stereotypes. Even if the other girls he knows are like that, it seems a bit odd that he’s so surprised about it. Also, how did Raven know there were mermaids in the Altum River? I found that whole sequence rather strange, since she’s new to the world and everything. And where does she think fish release their wastes? The air? :P Also, I thought Tiberius’ spiel about mermaids filtering their waste through their pores so they don’t ruin the ecosystem seemed a bit complex given the level of technology/apparent environmental awareness in the story so far. Besides, if they’re a natural part of the ecosystem their excretion of wastes wouldn’t cause any harm, it’s when a species is overpopulated that it’s a problem.

I found Alicia’s part a little confusing as well. I guess I didn’t really understand the point of it, in a way. Everything turned around very quickly. I think you could improve this part by lengthening it a bit and adding more detail, because at the moment I’m struggling to see its significance and what this whole thing with the Choir Virgin is. The archbishop seemed to change his mind about Alicia a bit too quickly in my opinion, that was the main thing. Soulsiv appeared out of nowhere, too. It seems a bit coiencidental that he just happens to be in the crowd watching Alicia.

Still, that said I am interested to see what will happen now. I hope Keilum and Stag find her in time. I liked this line from Prae: “Whenever you four seem to leave my presence you are either kidnapped, tortured or arrested!” I feel bad for laughing since it’s not really funny that all this stuff is happening to them, but it’s true xD I liked that part of the chapter, although I did notice that Iuvo appeared at the start of Prae’s POV, but then at the end she said he was missing with Rory. Anyway, my brain isn’t working tonight so this comment is probably a bit short :/ Sorry for taking so long to comment, by the way. I’ve been away for a week.

Thanks for the comment! Sorry for taking ages to reply, by the way. I’ve been on a farm and although I did have internet this time it was only on my phone and I hate typing out long messages on that thing xD For my sanity’s sake I thought it best I wait to reply until now :P Anyway, I enjoyed the change in tone for this chapter too. It was nice to write something knowing that my characters are, at least for now, relatively safe. As for Janelle, her lack of confidence is  the main thing holding her back so hopefully if the mission goes well, she’ll be able to gain some. But who knows? At this point, anything could go wrong :P

As for Wesley, the island’s a pretty big place (at least for a guy searching for one person xD). I imagine it being around the size of Ireland, but then I suck at geography so I have no idea if the time it takes the characters to travel places correlates with the size of the area :P I considered waiting a bit longer before Wesley finds out about Carey, but I wanted it to happen and besides they’re going to be busy for a while so I wouldn’t have had much of a chance to make it happen later. Lol, 805 really doesn’t know how to deal with a fangirl at all, does he xD Still, it’s not something he or anyone else would come across in everyday  life, so I guess I can’t blame him for being a bit clueless about what to do :P

As for Sam, her sexuality has been something she’s found very hard to accept about herself, and she still struggles with it greatly :/ As far as she knows, she’s the only person in the world who feels the way she does. Growing up, she never knew anyone who was gay. Well, openly gay, anyway – I’m sure there would’ve been a decent number in her village who were gay/bisexual/anything else, but she didn’t know about it. Anyway, among the nonGifted, sexuality isn’t really discussed, which is why Carey doesn’t get what she means even though I’d expect anyone who read this to understand what Sam is talking about. If someone were to reveal they were gay or any other sexuality but heterosexual whilst living in the villages, the majority of villagers would see them as unnatural/disgusting/etc. etc. So yes, if she was living in general nonGifted society she’d probably be an outcast :/  That said, she is not living in general society and most of the people who’ve run away from their villages and joined rebel groups tend to be at least a few degrees left of the mainstream anyway (some of them may have even run away because they were being shunned for their sexuality), so she might find more acceptance among them if she’s ever ready to tell more people. In contrast, though, the Gifted are very sexually liberal, even though in theory they’re supposed to be celibate xD

Noooo :( :( :( I knew it was coming and I think it’s great that Ariana finally told Snow, but even so, this chapter was so depressing :( Poor Snow. I really don’t know how she’s going to deal with this, on top of everything else that’s happening. It’s the absolute last thing she needs (well, it’s the last thing anyone needs, really) but at the same time I think it’s good she finally knows. At least now she’ll have time to hopefully process what’s going to happen before it does, although I’m not sure if that will ever help. Ariana will still be gone either way :(

Anyway, the emotional impact of this chapter was really powerful and made me very teary-eyed. Snow’s anger and grief was conveyed really well and felt very real. The scene where Kayla comforted her was my favourite. Now more than ever, they’ve got to stick together and be strong, both for themselves and for Ariana as she goes through this hard time, so it was really heartwarming in a sad way to see them starting to do that.

 I don’t know what else to say. I’m too depressed L Still, I’ve been anticipating this chapter for a long time and overall I think you did a really great job with it. It was just as depressing and emotional as I expected it to be and left me with a feeling of hopelessness. Ariana’s illness seems so much more real now Snow knows, for some reason. Those final lines were really powerful too. I really liked the fact there was snowfall, as well – was that a deliberate bit of symbolism or am I just reading into things too much? xD Anyway, I’m really worried for Snow, more than ever before. I don’t see how she’s going to be able to deal with this on top of everything else. It’s just too much. 

Well it’s nice to see that one good thing came out of JTG torturing them. I was proud to see how Mary has decided not to let Michael scare her anymore. It’s something I feel would’ve been really hard for her to do, no matter what happened, so it’s good to see. She's choosing not to let him have that power over her and that requires a significant amount of courage. I wonder how long it will be before Michael and Emily’s motives are revealed though. I want to see if I’m right :P I havea feeling it'll still be a long while. Although now I've said that it'll probably be in the next couple of chapters, won't it xD Oh well, a girl can dream.

Now, as for breaking into Miranda’s parents’ house… Personally, I think it’s a good idea. After all, if they’re hiding something they’re hardly going to tell a group of teenagers, especially if they are JTG. I don’t think they are, but I’m not ruling out a connection of some kind. If anything, they’ll know about Miranda and what she was like and that’s something I really want to find out. I am curious to see how JTG will react too. I guess it depends on whether Miranda’s parents are connected to JTG or not. If they are, I’m really worried about what she might do :/ But then, if they’re not, I guess she might not care all that much. It’s hard to judge at this present point xD I really hope they do end up breaking in and learn some interesting info though. I need more :P

Aww, Fluffers :( His death was really sad for me. After all, he’s been there right from the beginning. If I’m sad I can’t imagine what Ariana’s going through, especially since her cat died on top of the fact she has to tell her daughter she herself is dying :/  I’m really scared to read the next chapter, but I’ll force myself to do it anyway because even though I know it’s going to be really depressing I need to know what happens. 

Thanks for the comment! Well, this story is set in an alternate universe, so it is in neither the past, present, nor future :P But, in terms of technology it’s set in the “past”, I suppose. The level of technology depends on where you live. The Gifted tend to have better technology, as well as the factory towns, while the farming villages and others have much less. Overall, the technology of the island doesn’t really correlate with a specific time period of Earth history, and there are various reasons why that’s the case, but it’s rather hard to say why without giving away spoilers, so I won’t say anything more on the matter xD

There are only three POV characters in the story – Janelle, 256 and Carey. Samantha has no sister, that’s Janelle. Sorry for the confusion ^^; As for Samantha, her motivation for rebelling against the Gifted is something that’s not revealed for some time. Samantha is rather closed off when it comes to her secrets (for good reason) and because she doesn’t have POV it’ll be a while before her true motivation is revealed. 

I found Alicia’s section of the chapter rather surprising. It seemed strange to me that a girl who was so badly affected by Soulsiv’s treatment of Dafeenah could be so cruel and brutal, even if the victim in question committed numerous atrocities. After all, two wrongs don’t make a right. Alicia just seemed remarkably nonchalant when she cut out the Lady Songstress’s tongue. There was one little mention of her feeling guilt but that was it, and even then she said she felt no remorse. It doesn’t seem like a normal human reaction in my opinion. Even if she ultimately believes she did the right thing, since that woman mutilated countless girls, I think it would seem more believable if even so Alicia felt some amount of remorse for mutilating her in turn like that. Not to mention I’d imagine cutting out someone’s tongue is a move that would require quite a lot of skill to do without being injured – I mean, it’s a small target, located inside an enclosed space, and the Lady Songstress was surely struggling so it seemed a bit too easy for Alicia to do in my opinion. Unless she’s had some sort of intense training with knives that I don’t know about or have forgotten.

In general, really, I’ve found that the characters from the modern world seem a little nonchalant about killing/injuring people – for example, when Raven killed that woman in prison and the guard, and Alicia in this chapter. It seems strange to me that they do it without any apparent regrets, when they’re only young and would probably have never considered killing people before. Of course, I don’t know what those trials and things they went through were like so perhaps they were severely desensitised by that, but it still seems a bit odd to me that they seem to completely lack remorse.

But, despite my rambling, I did enjoy reading about the politics in Alicia’s section (and Praecantrix’s section as well). Prae’s change in attitude towards Alicia was rather sudden, but I think that’s a good thing because it showed how much the Lord Sage’s words had affected her and how worried she is for her people. I’m also curious to see where Alicia’s journey as “Anabelle” goes. I liked Rory’s part and I enjoyed getting to see some of his powers. Your descriptions in the fight against the necromancer were really good. I expected that Bellator would have to lose his leg the moment he got hit, but even so I felt sorry for him L Still, it’s cool that they can make him a new prosthetic that easily. It was interesting to learn more about him and Constance too, as well as when the Black appeared before. I really wonder what it is. The ending was intriguing too. Are the Greymoons just presumed missing, or is there some reason, some person that deliberately reported they were dead? Overall there was a lot of interesting information gained in this chapter and a lot more questions raised, so I’m eager to read on.

One thing I noticed in this chapter was that there was a few instances where you used the wrong word in place of a similar sounding one. For example:

“The realization of female circumcision shown like headlights in her mind” – it should be shone instead of shown.

“Alicia sliced her tongue out and through it in front of her” – threw instead of through.

“as if he were more used to a thrown.” Throne instead of thrown.

Sorry for ranting so much in this chapter ^^; As usual, I’m no good at explaining myself in a short, succinct way xD 

This was another really good chapter, probably my favourite so far because so many interesting things happened. I’m really curious about this “Black” thing. It’s frightening how quickly it seemed to take over Aqua and I’m really eager to see what happens next. I wonder what exactly the Black thing is exactly. It seems like a disease, but then it has the ability to effect paper and stuff too, so I guess there must be a magical element to it too.

It was heart-warming to see Rory and Keilum reunite, even though they haven’t been separated for all that long (at least, compared to Raven). I am kind of disappointed we didn’t get to see much of Rory’s training that he spoke about, though. I thought that sounded interesting. Hopefully we see what he can do later on.

Raven’s POV was probably my favourite part of this chapter. Too Far was really interesting and the descriptions of the world were very well done. Bernard seems very mysterious as well, so I look forward to learning more about him. I wonder why he left his home to live in Too Far. I like how you have so many interesting characters with different pasts and cultures waiting to be discovered :3 It makes the story very captivating and interesting.

Your use of symbolism is good, but sometimes I feel you’re being a bit too obvious about it sometimes – personally, I think it works better if you approach symbolism with more subtlety. For example, Raven’s bow – you have Tiberius tell us it’s the symbol of Raven’s personality and list the reasons. I think it would be more impactful if you let the readers form this idea – maybe have Tiberius just think the bow is perfect for her, but not list why, because then we can look back at your description and figure out how it fits Raven ourselves. You’re good at writing your characters and conveying their personalities but I’ve noticed you do have a tendency to state what they’re like in the narrative (like the example I gave before with the fat man) when it’s not necessary.

Your descriptions are also very good and really add to the atmosphere of the story. You’ve created a very vibrant, well-crafted, unique fantasy world here and it’s a joy to read. I really liked the paragraph at the end, where you described the necromancer appearing. It was very well-crafted and creepy. One thing that bugged me, though, was the final line. Since King Yew spoke of the necromancer in Raven’s section of the chapter, and the ending was told in Rory’s section, it seemed odd for the narrative to mention that King Yew had spoken of a necromancer because none of the characters would know about that. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense, by the way. Overall this was a great chapter. I’m really worried for Alicia though, since she was left in such a bad position in the last chapter and we didn’t see her in this one :/ I’ll be nervous until I find out what happens.

Thanks for the comment! I’m glad the Leader is likeable in her own way :P If nothing else, she is the person in charge of a large group of individuals and manages to keep them for the most part in line, which is pretty deserving of respect. She’s very perceptive and Carey’s plan is a fairly obvious one and she changed her demeanour from angry and defiant in chapter 6 to compliant and interested to learn in this chapter very quickly, so the Leader does pick up on her plan rather easily. She’s not using magic :P As for Marvin, it was a bit stupid of him to tell them off for killing the two Gifted xD He’s not a fighter though, so he doesn’t always see clearly when it comes to that.

Thanks for the comment! Haha, I learnt all I know about mood whiplashing from you, so I say you still get the crown :P Lol, Samantha’s plan wasn’t the most reliable of plans, was it xD But it worked and that’s what counts. But even so, the Gifts of Earth rebelling is a positive for the rebellion, there’s no doubt about that. At the very least there’s internal rebellion in within the Gifted, at best, the Gifts of Earth may be more inclined to form an alliance with the rebels at some point in the future with the memory of this uprising still fresh in their minds.

I’m glad the deaths of 571 and the boy were moving. Because I didn’t end up killing any of the main characters (I really wanted to though – I’ll get to that later xD) I knew I’d have to kill them both :/ As for your theory, it’s a very good one :) You won’t have to wait that long before you find out if it’s right or not. Although it won’t be totally confirmed, since there’s no Big Book of Stealth Gifted for them to reference, the characters will form their own ideas fairly soon about how Carey got the powers based on the available evidence. Will they come to the same conclusion as you? I’m not sayin’ :P

Anyway, although it did end up that none of the main characters died, I was very, very, very tempted to kill 805 in this chapter. I imagined it a total Ned Stark moment – instead of just nearly being executed, he would actually have been hanged and his death would have driven the Gifts of Earth to rebel, which I thought seemed more realistic than what ended up happening. But I was faced with a dilemma because out of the four main characters present in this chapter, 805 is the one that’s probably needed alive the most right now :P If I killed him I’d have to re-plan a decent chunk of what I have for the rest of this book. I really want that stuff to happen so I was faced with choosing between my short-term happiness from having my Ned Stark moment and long-term happiness from all that stuff, and the long-term stuff won the battle :P Still, because of that I’m not all that satisfied with that scene :/ As for Hahana and Maui, don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about them xD They’ll be around again before too long :P

You’re right about why they dropped everything to begin the trial – Carey’s escape as a baby can mean two things. Firstly, that the Gifted who Assessed her as a child (as well as the rest of her siblings' Assessors) deliberately let her go free, in which case there's a traitor among the Gifted. Secondly, it could mean that Carey’s Gift somehow appeared after birth or it did exist but was hidden, which is something the Gifted have never been aware of before. That’s why the Leader and the Council are so interested to find out what happened.

As for the Leader herself, she remains mostly a mystery for this book. She has a small role but overall her impact isn’t fully felt until later on, and information about why she was chosen as Leader, the full extent of her power, etc, won’t be revealed for some time. Her Gift is revealed in the next chapter, though. Thanks so much for all the comments! :) They’re very helpful.

Most people say they like Carey and 256’s story better than Janelle and Samantha’s at the beginning, so I’m glad that someone else feels the other way around :) Admittedly, their story is a lot slower than Carey and 256’s at the start, but I’ve edited it a lot to try and remedy that, and I’m glad it seems to have worked so some extent. As for that mess up with the house, I’m not really sure how that happened xD I was editing the introduction of this chapter to add to the description, but I must have left the original line (about it being well-kept – it’s supposed to be shabby) there by mistake :P Oops. I’ll fix it, thanks.

As for Marvin agreeing to quickly, yeah I agree :/ I wrote this a long time ago and I think I meant for it to be something like he’d seen some sort of “quality” in them that convinced him to help, but reading over it seems a very wishy-washy reason to me now xD I’ll change that around too at some point. Anyway, thanks for the comment!

Thanks for the comment! 256 is a very conflicted individual. He wants to do his duty, be the best Gifted soldier he can be, but he struggles to live up to that ideal because he really doesn’t have the right sort of personality for it. Anyway, his confliction and indecisiveness is pretty much the main point of his character (in this book, anyway), so yeah xD If you don’t like him there’s not much I can do :P I don’t mind though.

As for the numbers thing, yes it is supposed to be dehumanising. It reflects the Gifted’s preference for conformity and practicality, since having their citizens designated by numbers rather than names avoids repetition which makes it a lot easier in terms of record keeping, especially since none of the islanders have surnames. Also, by shedding the names given to them at birth, they shed their first family and become one of the Gifted, which is important too. Thanks again!

I was glad to get a section from Keilum’s point of view in this chapter, so far I felt like he’d been a bit neglected compared to the other three so it’s good to see that, and now he’s also on his own I suspect it will be remedied further. Anyway, the first part of the chapter was really good, your descriptions of the torture poor Rory (and Keilum) had to endure were horrifying but gripping at the same time. Like Alicia, I must say I’m very curious about how Stag ended up being adopted by Prae, and who his real parents are. I liked that she mentioned that because it makes me think that particular mystery will be solved in the future, and I’m curious to see what it is :3 Speaking of Alicia, I’m very interested to see where her storyline will go. I wonder if she’ll develop any more magical powers as well as healing ones. Most importantly I wonder how she’ll go now she’s been captured. I’m curious to see how this Lumonite church or whatever has become so corrupted. Anyway, a large part of the section in Alicia’s POV was repeated – I guess there must have been some issues copying and pasting? Anyway I thought I’d point it out.

I thought that Soulsiv’s trial seemed a bit rushed. Just because I don’t understand why Prae has not gone to the Count about him before, if he’s that much of a pushover since he seemed to give up rather easily. I get that what happened may have triggered her into action, but considering she spoke of Soulsiv with just as much distaste prior it seemed odd to me that only just now she acts, when all it took was a short speech and a trial where no-one even seemed to have to give evidence to get him exiled. I mean, isn’t there someone protecting him? Someone making him stay in power? Because so far a lot of the authority figures have spoken of him with rightful distaste, so I guess I don’t really understand how he’s managed to stay in his position without someone actively working to keep him there. And if there is someone, where were they during the trial? It seemed a bit too convenient to me, a way to get him where the story needed him to go. I also found it strange that he found Raven so quickly. Sorry for rambling on about this, by the way. When I give constructive criticism in comments I always seem to unwittingly reveal my entire thought process xD

 Soulsiv himself I feel is a bit inconsistent – his competence at fighting and such seems to depend on what the story needs. I mean, all Raven had to do was kick him in the balls to bring him down, and since she lifted up her skirt and stuff it would have been fairly telling what she was going to do. I mean it’s a classic move (and with good reason – my martial arts instructor always says to us, ‘girls, if you get attacked, kick ‘em where it hurts’) so I think Soulsiv, as someone who probably gets into a fair number of fights, would know to protect his groin.  Anyway, despite my various gripings, I am interested to read on and see what this Land of the Fairies is like.

Anyway, in terms of writing, this chapter was well done. Like I said, your descriptions of the setting and the action are very good, but I do feel you sometimes repeat the same phrases (and it’s very hypocritical for me to say so, because God knows I do the exact same thing xD). For example, you’ve used the expression “the metallic taste of blood” multiple times throughout the story so far, among other examples. Sorry for whining so much in this comment. Like I said, half the stuff I point out is stuff I do too, so to be honest I’m probably not very credible xD

Another good chapter :) I liked the humour at the beginning of the chapter, when they were choosing what to have for breakfast :P It seemed very natural and unforced, so good job.

The prison escape was well written and exciting, although I did think it seemed a bit too easy for them to overcome the guards and release the other gang members (after all, if they could steal the keys like that why hasn’t anyone done it before) but even so I’m glad Raven escape, although I was sad she had to say goodbye to Dúnmharú :( I really like the way you conveyed Raven and Dúnmharú’s relationship. It’s heart-warming to see how they bonded so quickly and even though it’s been a short amount of time their fondness of each other seems very real, if that makes sense.

I’m a bit worried for Raven now, though. It seems strange to me that Tiberius would just offer to let her live in his house with his family like that. Maybe I’m just being too suspicious, but I have to wonder if he and his family are up to something… Anyway, I’m probably just paranoid. I think you conveyed Rory and the others’ emotions well at the ending, as they were told they’d be separated :( I feel bad for them, but at the same time I’m curious where this will lead, and where Alicia and Keilum will go. Will they be separated too, eventually? A lot of intriguing things happened in this  chapter and I don’t have much of an idea of what could happen next, so I’m eager to keep reading and find out.

 In the first paragraph you used the expression AWOL, personally, I find using acronyms like that outside of dialogue to be rather informal. When you were giving exposition about Raven’s gang, at one point you said: “Raven's new gang had like seven members including her” this would seem a lot more appropriate to me if you cut out the “like” – it would sound a lot better because it’s informal language for a third person POV story, the gang either has seven members or it doesn’t :P Plus that whole sequence of exposition struck me as a bit of an info-dump – there was no POV behind it, and you addressed the audience (saying “you”), which is something I’ve always been taught never to do when writing a story in third person.

Thanks for the feedback! I really enjoyed writing about Rosa haha. She’s a very perceptive woman xD Anyway, Gifts are not genetically inherited. There is no more chance of a Gifted person having a Gifted child than a nonGifted person, which is common knowledge on the island. They are (usually) present at birth, or rather, the Gifted can use their sensing abilities to sense that a child will be Gifted in the future because their actual powers don’t manifest until they’re 5-7 years old normally. 

Thanks for the comment! I’m glad this chapter is okay. I write by the seat of my pants for this story (Well, I do to some extent for all the stories I write, but this one even more so than the others :P) and this chapter as well as the ending were the only two events I had planned from the beginning, so I’m glad it was unexpected. As for Brandon asking for a paternity test on top of everything else Nate is dealing with, yeah it probably wasn’t the best idea on his part. He is very desperate to know though, which is the main reason he asks even though it’s not the most logical decision. I’m glad Nate’s feelings about Connor were realistic, too. I really struggled conveying their relationship. I kept trying to write scenes between Nate and Connor in multiple chapters to add to the mystery of it, but I never felt like I could pull off Nate’s regret and guilt without making it totally obvious what the problem was. Although I anticipated that most people would figure out Brandon and Lauren had an affair, I didn’t want to be completely blatant about Connor’s role in the drama. So I ended up cutting them all and settled on leaving him out of focus, but I really wish I’d managed to pull one of those scenes off :/ Oh well. Now the truth’s out I can finally add one in without having to hide xD

Sadly, the creature isn’t very logical. It’s smart enough to clean up after it murdered Lauren or make it seem like an accident for Brandon, but overall its methods are fairly crude, and it doesn’t fully consider things like arrest when killing people who’ve wronged Nate. Just like it doesn’t consider that Nate might not actually be happy when he’s forced to kill them, no matter how angry he is :/ It’s really due to a bout of unrelated good luck that Nate has managed to avoid arrest so far. He’s under a very real threat that might happen now though, even if Brandon dies (and who knows if that’ll happen? I’m leaning towards one option, but to be honest I haven’t completely decided yet xD) because although the streets were deserted when he pushed him, they were having a loud and memorable shouting match in public place just beforehand and Nate told the detective Brandon’s name, so… Yeah. The creature might have to come up with a new way to make Nate “happy” if he ends up in prison.

Anyway, something I’d like to point out is that the creature cannot take over Nate’s body whenever it wants :P At least for the moment, Nate has to be very, very angry for the creature to take over. But who knows? As it gets stronger, this might not always be the case… *evil laughter*. Thanks again for the comment.  

Another great chapter :) I was happy to learn more about how they ended up in this world and a bit more and what they’re there to do. Even though I was confused at first (and still am, to some extent) I kind of like that there’s this whole story behind how they got here that we’re slowly finding out all the pieces to. It’s an interesting way to give background information and I’m very curious to learn more. There’s a lot to be curious about, after all – I really wonder why the man wants to clear the Nox Sovereign’s name, and why the four of them specifically were sent to do it. Why them, instead of others? I’m interested to find out :)

. I’m not all that sure what I think of Soulsiv from a narrative point of view. I almost find him a bit too evil (I felt the same about the fat man in the last chapter), because I prefer villainous characters who are more morally ambiguous. But of course, that’s just my personal preference for stories, so feel free to take no notice of it. Anyway, I enjoyed reading Raven’s part of the chapter too. I really like Dúnmharú. He seems like a good person, very helpful and understanding, so I hope he sticks around. I’m not sure if he will though – I just get the feeling he’s going to die, I don’t know why :/

Something I noticed in both this chapter and the last is that you describe accents incorrectly on occasion. For example, in this chapter, you said Dúnmharú has an Irish accent, but does Ireland exist in this world? If it doesn’t (or it’s called something else) It might be better to put something like “Irish-sounding”. I thought the same in the last chapter when the old man had an Arabian accent. Also, there were a few instances where the words you used didn’t really make sense in the context. For example:

“Assaulting the family member of a Caelonian Council is a freckle away from a death penalty.” I’m not really sure why you’ve said freckle here? I looked it up on google and I couldn’t find any alternate meaning other than freckles being little brown marks on skin.

“He manhandled her, humiliating her through the crowds and to” Again, I’m not sure if humiliating is the right word here. Pulling or something like that might make more sense. These are just two examples, there were a few other instances in this chapter and the two previous where some of the words you’ve used don’t make sense in the context.

Anyway, I think I’ve whined on long enough now xD I really did like this chapter a lot, and I look forward to reading the next :)

Thanks for the comment! I’m glad the story is interesting enough for you to have so many questions :) I can’t answer most of them, cos spoilers, but I will say that the old lady Carey mentioned is telling the truth :P As for my descriptions, yeah they definitely aren’t my strong point X.X Although, the lack of detail is partially due to the fact that part of the island’s culture is that they lack extravagance and favour practicality, hence the setting is rather mundane compared to most fantasy stories so there often isn't a lot to say about it. Thanks for the feedback on that scene, too. I’ll try to make it more suspenseful :)

This chapter made me very happy xD I wasn’t expecting to find out the stuff revealed in it anytime soon so I’m pleasantly surprised. Also, I’ve been feeling rather negatively towards Sara, particularly after finding out what she did to Steven, so it was nice to have a chapter with her POV again. It was good to be reminded that even though she was very manipulative and did some really bad things, she was just a teenage girl. It was nice (although sad) to learn a tiny bit more about her father’s death as well. It really humanised her for me, as did the fact she seemed to feel remorse for killing Miranda. It was interesting to learn that she didn’t plan to kill her all along. I’ll admit, a part of me was leaning in that direction. I’m not sure, I just got that vibe, but obviously it was not the right one xD Anyway, I really wonder what Miranda did to make Sara say she deserved what she got, though. Was it just general nastiness or something specific? Or both? :P

I was happy to find out that Sara did know about JTG as well. That was something I expected, but even so it was good to have confirmation. I feel sorry for Sara, having to deal with JTG’s stalking without the support of Snow and the others for such a long time :( Still, although Snow and Co. seem convinced at the end, I’m still not really sure if JTG was the one who killed her. I mean, it’s certainly possible, even likely after this chapter, but then Sara’s ghosty thing did say that she didn’t think JTG and her killer were the same people in the last chapter. Maybe something happened with JTG that makes her think JTG wasn’t her murderer. It’s definitely possible that they’re connected though. Or maybe I’m wrong and they’re right and JTG did murder her.

I’m curious about Miranda’s parents, even more so now than I was before. I’m very suspicious of them, particularly since I found out Miranda’s stepfather is called Tony and I have a very strong distrust of people named Tony :P Anyway, I’m really looking forward to seeing how their meeting with her parents goes. At the very least, it’ll provide some interesting insights into what Miranda herself was like. I wonder who Sara was talking to after she found that note from JTG, too. At the moment I think they might be Steven, simply because he was talking to her before and it would make sense. If it is Steven, I wonder why she asked him for help and no-one else. But I’m not even close to being certain about that, because it could just as likely refer to someone else that hasn’t appeared or hasn’t had their secrets revealed yet :P Still, for now my hunch is on Steven.

And by the way, I liked the part when Sara said she’s set the world on fire for Snow xD I don’t know if it actually means anything but I thought it was a cool reference to JTG’s various shenanigans with the song.

Hey, sorry for taking a while to continue with this X.X I haven't seemed to have any free time over the past couple of days... Anyway, I really enjoyed this chapter. The story a bit difficult to follow at times, because there’s a lot of new information given at once and it’s quite hard to sift through it all and understand what’s going on, but once I read it over for a second time I could mostly grasp what was going on, although I did still get confused at parts. The part of the chapter I liked best was when they were talking to the old man in the tent. I really wonder what he means by all this son of Luna, daughter of Nox, etc. etc. stuff. I wonder if it has anything to do with how they ended up in this world in the first place, and why Stag is taking them to meet the Lunar Eclipse. The rest of this chapter was good too – at least, in a writing sense, because what happened was really sad :( I really felt for Alicia after she tried so hard to save that woman but failed. I admire her for trying, though. It’s certainly not an easy thing to stand up to people like that. She has a really good heart and because of that she’s my favourite character (at least, for the moment – it’s only the second chapter, after all xD). Anyway, the ending was intriguing as well. I’m really looking forward to see what this Lunar Eclipse woman has to say, and if she’ll shed any light on why the four of them ended up in this world and any other mysteries.

Your descriptions are really good for the most part, but there are some areas, such as when you’re describing the fat man and his actions, where I feel you’re almost describing too much. Or rather, you’re saying the same thing over and over again, but in different ways. At one point you said the fat man had an “elitist and racist attitude” which is already rather obvious, so it seemed a bit pointless to say it and you’re telling the readers how to feel about him (although you’d hope most would come to that conclusion anyway :P). I also felt some of his dialogue tags and description seemed a bit over the top – using tags such as “oinked” and “squawked”, for example. I found the whole scene hard to take seriously because of that. That’s just my opinion, though, and ultimately it’s what you decide is best.

In terms of grammar issues and stuff, the main problem I see in your writing is the switching between past and present tense, sometimes in a single sentence. In some places the dialogue was phrased awkwardly, such as here:

‘"Oh come in, come in my dears," his wise Arabian voice spoke and the three entered on command.’

It seems awkward to phrase this as though his voice is doing the speaking. The man is the one speaking, so it should be phrased: ‘“Oh come in, come in my dears,” he said in his wise Arabian voice as the three entered on command.’ Or something like that. Sorry if that’s confusing, I’m not very good at explaining myself ^^; Another thing I noticed is that there are places where you need to be more clear whom you’re referring to when you say “he” or “she”. For example, during the scene with Soulsiv, the Journeyer woman and Alicia, sometimes I couldn’t tell who you meant when you said she, which made the scene quite confusing on my first read through.

Despite all my various gripings, I did really enjoy reading this chapter. There’s a lot of intriguing information and the chapter ends in a good place, encouraging me to read on and discover who exactly this woman is and what she wants with them. Good job! :)

Thanks for commenting! :) I’m glad the story is intriguing so far. Haha, quite a lot of people have compared this story to The Hunger Games, at first, anyway xD Thanks for the feedback. It’s very helpful :) 

Thanks for the comment! I’m glad you like this chapter although personally, I don’t like it much at all :/ I had to make a lot of changes to my original plan for this chapter and the next because I realised my original vision wasn’t very plausible, but I’m not really sure if this version is all that much better. Oh well. I tried xD Anyway, I’m glad that the events of the story are surprising. I always tend to worry that my supposed plot twists are totally obvious/cliché, so I’m glad to hear at some things are unexpected :P

As for Carey’s Gift, it is harder to detect than the others. At first glance, many Gifted wouldn’t notice her Gift because the feeling they get is much less potent. But if they take the time to concentrate they will sense it, although it’s still not as strong a feeling as for other Gifts. Still, it’s unlikely she would have been missed if her powers were present as a baby, because the Assessors are specifically looking for it and so would take more care to be sure it was there or not, like 256 did.

As for 571, she’s probably as conflicted as you are ;) She’s torn between the part of her that’s a law-abiding Gifted citizen and the part that wants to rescue 805. Her attitude about the Servant is really the same as most of the Gifted, though. Servants are little more than furniture to most of them, and many are treated very cruelly by the Gifted. That’s the main reason why 805’s Servant got involved with 571’s zany scheme to rescue him, because he was one of the few Gifted to ever show her an ounce of kindness. It really saddened me to kill her :( She wasn’t going to die originally, but when I changed the chapter I didn’t feel like 571 would keep her alive since she knew too much :/ Anyway, I’ll stop there before this turns into an essay xD I could go on and on about the Servants, because to me they’re oft forgotten group by both the Gifted and the rebels that really have it the worst out of everyone. Although to be fair, the general nonGifted population and the rebels don’t usually know about the Servants, and if they do they don’t know much about their lives. Okay, I really will stop now xD Thanks again for commenting.

Overall, this was a very intriguing first chapter. I really like your dialogue, it’s very natural and even though it’s only been one chapter I feel like each character has their own distinct way of talking. That’s something I struggle with, so I admire you :) In general, I think your characterisation is really good. All the characters are interesting and have their own distinct personality. I’m really interested to see what will happen to them and how they’ll develop as the story progresses. Stag intrigues me the most. He’s got some secrets, I think xD The plot is interesting as well. I really liked the ending, with Moira’s speech to Alicia, and the way the four others were waiting for her and smiled proudly. It was a really good way to end the chapter, on a heart-warming note.

There were a few grammar issues I spotted throughout the chapter. There were a few incidences where you switched into present tense, particularly when you were trying to convey a character’s thought process, and it was quite jarring at times. Also, sometimes you don’t make it clear enough who’s speaking. For example, in this sentence: ‘He had a kind of rustic charm about him, one Raven had picked up upon, her defences were down, though the charm wasn't working on Keilum, "You haven't told us who you are."’ The whole sentence is phrased oddly (I think you should split it into two) and it’s difficult to tell who’s talking. There were a few other instances like this throughout the chapter. But overall, your writing is good. I liked the description you used, both of the setting and the characters. It’s very vibrant and you’ve done a good job of bringing the world to life.

Anyway, one other thing I think you could work on is adding more context to this chapter. I’m really confused about why the four of them are in this world in the first place, and whether they knew of its existence before, etc. I don’t know, maybe there’s more information in future chapters or it’s supposed to be a mystery, but even so I think adding in a bit more context and background to this chapter wouldn’t hurt. There’s a few hints, like mentions of Rory’s witch girlfriend and the tests they supposedly went through, but overall there isn’t much and I can’t tell if the four of them came from our world or another fantasy world. But, overall this is a good start and I’ll read the next chapter as soon as I can :) 

:’( Poor Ariana… It’s so sad to see her slowly getting sicker and sicker.  I can only imagine how horrible that must be for Kayla, to have to watch her go through this illness and be unable to help in any substantial way. I’m glad the topic of telling Snow came up again though. I was starting to wonder when it would. I’m worried about how she’ll react. Obviously in a normal situation it would be horrible for her to hear her mother’s dying, but she’s already dealing with so much… She’s so shell-shocked and broken already, I’m worried about how far she’ll fall when she learns the truth. Although I do want Kayla and Ariana to tell Snow since she deserves to know, I’m still dreading that chapter because I know how depressing it’ll be :’(

I really liked Snow and Mary’s conversation. It was heartwarming, but really sad at the same time :( I was glad to see Snow dispel Mary’s fears that her friends would turn against her, but at the same time it makes me sad that Mary seems to blame herself for disliking Michael… She shouldn’t have to find a way to be okay with him, and it saddens me that she feels that way :( Even so, it’s heartwarming that she knows Snow (and Clara and Nikki) really do love her and won’t leave her alone. I think she really needed to hear that, and hopefully it’ll help her gain some confidence as well.

Sara’s reappearance was very interesting as well. I’m really curious about what she is. She’s obviously more than a ghost, since she was able to move that drawer and everything. It seems to me like she’s a Guide, or something like it anyway. I’m not too sure, though. I mean, Guides are the only thing I know about. For all I know there’s a tonne of positions dead people can have to help the living. Perhaps Sara’s one of those, or something else entirely.

Moving on, I’m also curious about what she was looking for. My first thought is that she’s looking for the money, and since Snow took it out she can’t find it. Perhaps even though she’s a Guide/spirit/whatever she’s still working on whatever it was she was involved in before she died. Maybe she wanted the money so she could use it, but since Snow gave it back to Steven it’s not there anymore. That’s my theory for the moment, anyway xD Still, I am curious to see what they’ll find if they search through the rest of Sara’s stuff. As for Miranda’s parents, I’m curious to see how that’ll go as well. I’d never really considered them before, but Snow is right in that they could potentially be involved. And even if they’re not, they could have some interesting insights on Miranda and what Sara knew about her.  Anyway, overall this was a really good chapter and I’m really nervous to see what happens next. 

Thanks for the comment! Well, the coffee must have been working because it all made perfect sense to me xD Anyway, 256 is most certainly the idealist of the group. Slowly, but surely he is forming his own ideas about where he wants the rebellion to go and how he wants the island to be. The Gifted will always be a part of his personal identity and he really does wish for peace above all else.

256 sees 805 and Samantha as a test, I suppose you could say. If they’d instantly bonded and become a family he’d feel more reassured that if he meets his parents they’ll feel the same way. But, really it’s not very productive for him to compare his own situation to theirs, because although they are similar in the sense that they both have a Gifted/nonGifted parent/child type relationship, there really isn’t much else that’s similar between them. The roles are reversed for one, since 805’s the Gifted party instead of Sam. And as you say, they’ve got plenty more issues between them that have nothing to do with 805’s Gift. In fact, 805’s Gift doesn’t bother Samantha at all. She’d hate him just as much if he were nonGifted xD  

Lol, that’s Samantha. Keepin’ it real, yo :P Tact really isn’t one of her strong points. But hey, she’s probably getting sick of all their dithering xD I’m glad you like 256’s second-guessing and questioning of his feelings. I’m always worried people will find it annoying. As for Brooke, I’m glad she’s likeable. I enjoy the way she speaks too :P  

Although Janelle is beginning to accept Reagan’s death, it’ll be a long time before she’s truly okay with it, if she ever does move on. It’ll be very difficult for her to do so if she doesn’t find out more about Reagan’s motives, but that’s easier said than done :/ Realistically, she’s never going to find out everything. Sure, it’s entirely possible she’ll find out some things but she’ll never truly know Reagan’s personal feelings. Still, hopefully she’ll learn enough so she can either have or guess the answers she seeks.

I should probably change that to “fallen tree branch” to avoid confusion xD It’s funny you should mention Katniss, because when I was describing Brooke I had a moment where I thought: huh, she looks kind of like Katniss now I think about it. At least, they both have a long braid :P Plus I just came home from watching Mockingjay part 2 so it’s almost like fate xD

Sorry for taking so long to get to this X.X I’ve wanted to read it for ages, and I finally finished my exams yesterday so at last I’m free again <3 Anyway, this chapter just left me more confused than ever on the Michael front xD I really don’t know what to think of him right now :P I mean, he seems nice, and he seems to really care about Snow. I do believe Zoe when she says he loves her, but… He’s still creepy xD I don’t know, even without the Mary thing, he just has this vibe of creepiness. Still, at least Snow and Michael are taking their relationship slowly. That’s something, at least. In a way though, I suppose it doesn’t make much of a difference. She’s still falling for him :/

Zoe’s comments about JTG left me very curious. The fact she called JTG a him before Michael corrected her makes me wonder if that’s a hint to JTG’s true identity. After all, I wouldn’t be surprised if Zoe knew exactly who he/she was and stuff. But maybe she really did just make a mistake and you’re just trolling me xD Still, considering Zoe called them mortals and stuff perhaps that means that JTG doesn’t have any magical powers of any kind. If that’s true, it makes her even scarier, in a way, because that means she spent a lot more time and effort into everything in this chapter and the alphabet soup and just everything else than she would’ve if she was magical. But then, she could still be magical, despite what Zoe said. I mean there are some things that seem really difficult to do without magical help, so maybe JTG does have access to magical powers of some sort (and perhaps they don’t belong to her) and Zoe doesn’t know about it.

Moving, the second part of the chapter was definitely… shocking, I suppose you could say. I’m sorry, I know that was terrible xD Anyway, in all seriousness, everything that happened was horrible :( The part with Mary and Snow was really well-written and scary, and although I didn’t really expect Snow to die I was still quite relieved when she turned out to be okay. The second test was just as frightening as the first, perhaps even more so. It really proves how far JTG will go :/ And even though Clara and the rest gave in eventually, they still held out for an incredibly long time and I’m proud of them. I really hope they’ll be able to bounce back from this quickly, but it seems unlikely. JTG’s back, and as Snow said, she’s worse than ever before :/

Still, after this chapter it does seem more likely that JTG is a group of people, or one person with a group of people at her disposal, because otherwise I don’t see how she could have overcome them all like that. Also, I wonder why Steven was the only one out of the guys who got knocked out. Was it just because he was closest to the girls when they were knocked out or is there another reason? It’s very curious… I wonder why she chose Mary, too, for the first test. I mean, Snow makes sense since JTG appears to be most fixated on her, but Mary… I suppose it’s probably because Mary’s been ostracising herself from the rest of the group, and perhaps JTG wanted to test how far apart she and Snow had become over the Michael thing.

Anyway, overall this was a really good and scary chapter. I’m glad no-one died, but I’m still feeling really nervous. I hope they have some sort of victory over JTG soon, even if it’s just a small one. I mean, in the war with JTG they’re losing pretty badly, but surely there’s only one to go from here. Up! Sorry for the cheesiness, by the way xD It’s way too late for my tired brain :P

Poor Steven :( :( :( I feel so bad for him. I definitely didn’t expect Sara’s money to have come from him (or any of the gang, really), much less that she blackmailed him in such a cruel way into giving her all that. I thought she got it from selling drugs or something xD I’ve watched too much Breaking Bad, that much is clear. I really wonder what she was going to do with all that money. I really have no idea what it could’ve been for, at the moment. There’s still a lot about her that’s a complete mystery and I really hope we find out more soon, but I’m not very confident that’ll happen :P I’m sure she’ll remain a mystery for a good while longer xD

Brad’s story was sad :( It was interesting to learn more about him. I wonder what sort of stuff his mother was into – was it something fairly mundane (like drugs, which was admittedly my first reaction… Yep, way too much Breaking Bad xD) or something more magical? I found Karen rather interesting too. I’m not sure why, but she seemed fairly emphasized for a minor character (and she plays/played trombone! Tromb players unite! :P) so I’m wondering if she’ll have an important role in the future.

Noooo, Snow. Why???? :( I can’t say I didn’t expect her and Michael to become a couple sooner rather than later, but I’m really worried all the same. I just feel really sad for her, because I know she’s going to be really hurt and the more she falls for him the worse it’ll be :/ Still, at least Snow knows that Romeo and Juliet aren’t a couple to aspire too xD That’s something that doesn’t happen often enough in my opinion. Anyway, although I’m really frightened for Snow now she and Michael are officially a couple, it’s definitely an interesting turn of events and writing-wise a good decision.

Anyway, that ending was definitely the most surprising part of the chapter :P I was expecting Emilia to be involved with something nefarious, but I was more thinking she’d be part of the JTG side of things. Of course, she still could be, but I didn’t think she’d know about whatever her dad and that other guy are up to. Still, her apparent magic powers/magic lip gloss/whatever are very interesting… It’s certainly a very likely explanation for how she managed to seduce Jackson. I’m also curious because Snow said her lips tasted liked strawberries, and Kayla was always saying that Ariana smelled/tasted like strawberries… I wonder if there’s a supernatural connection there or something xD Or perhaps I’m just reading too far into things. That's probably more likely.

One thing I thought, is that Snow’s reaction to Steven telling her he was gay was a little lacking. I mean, since he said it was really hard for him to say and no-one knew about it and his parents wouldn’t understand, etc., I would expect her to reassure him about that specifically as well as Sara using his secret to blackmail him into giving her ten grand. I don’t know, for me that part just felt like something was missing.  Anyway, aside from that I thought this was a really good chapter. I wonder if Emilia and Co. will actually be able to find and kill Zoe (her name is Zoe, right? Now I think about it I’m not sure, but Zoe seems right xD). I guess Snow really must be “the one” they keep talking about for them to comment like that… I guess that’s yet another thing I have to worry about ;)

It was really nice to see Jacob go home at last. I’d almost forgotten he was still in the hospital, what with everything else that’s been going on. I feel sorry for him though, not only because he’s paralysed but because he has to go home without hi sister… :( Poor guy. As for Jacob possibly being JTG… I don’t know. I don’t think he is – I mean, I can’t really see JTG saying out loud something that could lead to Snow and Co. drawing a conclusion that they were JTG. Surely even she can’t be that much of a troll :P If JTG is a single person, then I think it’s a coincidence, but if JTG is multiple people I guess I could see Jacob being one of them. I don’t think it’s likely, but it’s possible I suppose. Especially since, it’s pretty clear (in my opinion, anyway, and I could be completely wrong xD) that JTG must have some sort of supernatural power… After all, I don’t see how else she could’ve made all the pasta into those three letters :P I mean, if she didn’t that would take her absolutely forever to do, and even then she wouldn’t be sure Snow would be the one to eat it, so some sort of supernatural ability seems undeniable now. Either that, or she has way too much time on her hands xD

Poor Mary :( I felt awful for her throughout this chapter, more so than usual. She seems so isolated and alone right now, at a time when she really needs not to feel that way, with the Michael thing and JTG stalking them. I do wonder if one of them, not Snow but hopefully Nikki or Clara, will figure out that Mary must know something about Michael that she’s not saying. Particularly given she was texted whilst trying to turn Snow away from him, if I were them I would immediately suspect it was JTG instead of Emily xD But then, who knows? They both went off to join Snow in the end, so perhaps they do just think Mary’s being irrational. I really wish someone would give her a hug :’( She really needs one, I think, but I don’t think she’s likely to get one.

Speaking of Michael, he continues to be creepy :P At least he doesn’t disappoint. I always know what to expect from him xD I’m happy Ariana showed him what he’ll be dealing with if he tries anything though. Not that I really think he’d do anything to Snow, it’s the others I’m worried about, but… Like Snow says, it makes me hopeful that if somehow Ariana and Kayla find out about JTG, their wrath will be enough to stop her xD Or at least be very helpful in stopping her.

That ending… Eeep. For some reason I’m imagining that scene for The Phantom of the Opera, where the Phantom makes the chandelier swing and stuff and then that guy gets hanged. I don’t know why that was the first thing that popped into my mind when reading what they (presumably JTG, but I’ll keep my options open) were buying xD I’m not even sure if that’s exactly how that scene went, it’s been so long since I saw the musical. Anyway, I hope nobody gets hanged.

One thing I thought was odd, was when Michael and Snow arrived at the hospital and Clara noted that Mary was glaring at him like he was pond scum. Considering what he did to her I would’ve thought she’d be more submissive, I suppose you could say. I would’ve expect her to look away and avoid looking at him, or something like that, rather than glaring at him. I don’t know, I just think that would be a more natural reaction if she’s afraid of him.

Haha, yes Thomas is fine… For now :P Victor could still be a cannibal, just give him a bit more time. Still, he is definitely right about Sam forgiving Janelle. As you say, there isn’t much she could do that would mean Sam would never ever forgive her.

For Alice, whenever Caleb or Marina goes away on a mission it may be the last time she ever sees them. She’s seen it happen with other rebels, so she feels it’s only a matter of time before one of them won’t come back. Psh, Caleb was totally telling the truth when he said he forgot something. Why would he ever lie? xD As for Ben and Lily, their married life was based off them having a child, so losing their son definitely drove a wedge between them that couldn’t be fixed :/ Still, there is a lot more to Ben’s story that hasn’t been revealed yet as well. There’s a reason why he left his village instead of just leaving his wife, and a further reason why he joined the rebels. As for Wesley, it’s not that he feels jealous/malicious or anything. He was under the impression Janelle was just like him – not really into the rebellion, just doing it because she wanted a loved one back, etc. etc. So he was surprised to learn Janelle would actually take an interest in a leadership role.

I had a fingernail ripped off once, many eons ago. It was very painful indeed :/ Of course, it was more a case of me being the accident-prone klutz I am rather than it happening during torture. Anyway, the Leader does think pretty highly of herself. Just a tad :P Still, it’s rather hard for her not to think that way, considering how she was brought up – not only was the told she was one of the elite (like the rest of the Gifted) she was told she was the one chosen to lead them. I think most people would be at least a little bit narcissistic if they grew up hearing that all the time :P

Okay, I have a solo essay to write, a group essay with a partner I have to nag into submission and a test to study for, but instead I’m going to sit here and read this chapter and procrastinate the night away. I hate myself :P

Anyway, unlike Ariana, I’m not so sure if Snow’s judgment can be trusted on the Michael front (sorry, Snow :P). I mean, I don’t think Michael’s evil (and not just because I don’t believe in that word :P) but he’s clearly capable of doing bad things to achieve his goals… And while I do semi-trust that he won’t do anything to hurt Snow, I definitely don’t trust him with anyone else xD And she has been wrong about people before (Sara – although I don’t think she was a ‘bad person’ either, she definitely wasn’t as great as Snow thought she was), so I’ll definitely be keeping a wary eye on him. Hopefully Kayla and Ariana will be too :P

Anyway Michael as usual doesn’t disappoint with his creepiness :P I really hope Snow sees sense and doesn’t rush into things with him, but… Well, let's just say I’m preparing myself for the opposite to happen. I feel really, really bad for her though, because I know how much she’ll be hurt later on when she finds out about Mary… :’( :’(  Their age difference really squicks me out too. I feel bad and judgemental but I can’t help it xD Maybe it’s because every time I think of their ten year age difference I automatically think of my eldest brother, because he’s ten years older than me. And that makes me even more creeped out by Michael than I already am, even though he bears no relation to Snow so I’m unfairly judging him in that sense. Although I don’t know. Maybe they are secretly related :P Conspiracy theories are fun.

Anyway, the ending of the chapter was probably my favourite part. Firstly, JTG has decided to involve Sophia… Eep. I hope she’ll be okay. Secondly, her text was very interesting… She makes it sound like one person killed both of them. But then that doesn’t fit with Snow and Co.’s recollection of Miranda’s death, unless Sara killed herself which I don’t really see happening. Although I could be wrong. Still, perhaps they were wrong and someone else was behind Miranda’s death…  Or maybe JTG’s just trolling and a separate person killed each of them.

Also, this Founder’s Day event thingy sounds ominous. Something tells me some shenanigans will go down there…

Thanks for the comments! Don’t worry, you’re not the first who thought she left him permantently at the end of the last chapter ^^; I really do need to make that more obvious. Thanks for pointing out the repetition and stuff too. Honestly I think I’ll just end up rewriting these early chapters (again, because I already rewrote them once but I rushed it very badly xD) eventually. So I apologize for the bad quality. I think (well, I hope) the writing gets better around chapter 17/18.

Another enjoyable chapter. I was surprised Neil could see ghosts, especially since the ghost he could see was Malcolm xD That was definitely something I didn’t expect, but in a way I felt it did come almost a little too much out of nowhere. I guess, if you plan to edit this story, you could add a bit of foreshadowing earlier in. I just felt that Malcolm’s feelings about not seeing ghosts seemed very genuine, especially that time he said “I wish someone could see me, damn it!” or something along those lines :P Sorry, I can’t be bothered looking back and seeing what the exact line was xD But then, I’m not particularly observant so perhaps there was foreshadowing and I just missed it ^^

That said, I enjoyed the way you wrote the first part of the chapter. It was exciting when they were following Neil through the streets, and the reveal certainly wasn’t disappointing. I wonder if anyone else can see ghosts… I’m curious to see what will happen next, with Naomi. Surely it will be difficult for Neil/Peter to explain that no, he’s not cheating on her, he’s meeting a ghost and drawing their designs for them xD  I'm not sure how well that'll go over, if it comes to that.

Thanks for the comment! Nate really is obsessed with Brandon being Lauren’s murderer. In his mind, Brandon being the murderer will solve all his problems – he won’t be the main suspect anymore, Lauren will be at peace, and he’ll be able to get on with his life. Since he didn’t really like Brandon all that much to begin with and he does potentially have the motive to murder her, he was an easy target for Nate’s suspicion. As you say, his belief that Brandon killed Lauren is really very irrational and isn’t getting him anywhere. I think counselling would be good for him, but in his current state of mind he’s never going to agree to it.  

As for Lauren and Brandon possibly having an affair, well I can’t say much on the matter :P But it’s a good theory and you’ll find out what really happened, regardless of what it is, very soon.

And lol, my dog is a miniature schnauzer too xD Bonnie is pretty much my dog - similar age, similar dramatic sighs, similar nose pushing antics... :P The only difference is her name - I named Bonnie after this dog at the dogs' refuge home I volunteer at who was adopted a couple of months ago. So Bonnie's really a combination of my two favourite dogs :3

I’m glad that we finally found what happened with Miranda. I wasn’t expecting the story (if it is the full story, anyway) to be revealed anytime soon, so that made me happy xD Although, it definitely raises a lot more questions. Firstly, I wonder what it was Sara knew about Miranda. I really don’t have any idea what it could be, since I don’t know much about Miranda in general… But since it made Miranda apparently go ballistic and attack her, it must’ve been something serious.

I’m curious about why JTG targeted Jackson and Steven too, assuming she is targeting the others because of the Miranda thing. Unlike Snow I think Steven was targeted for more than just him knowing too much… Surely there’s more to it than that. But then again, I really have no idea, since I don’t know any of Steven’s secrets yet xD And Jackson’s too, aside from his night with Emilia. Anyway, I hope Steven is successful with his hacking or whatever of Sara’s computer. I’m really curious to learn more about her plans and everything, so I hope there’s lots of answers to be found on it :P

Well Snow, you might be completely worryless when being massaged by Michael but I am very much creeped out xD Still, I feel really bad for her, since Michael’s one of the few people she feels she can really trust and when she finds out about Mary, her image of him will be shattered. I just hope it happens sooner rather than later, which would hopefully lessen the blow at least a little bit. But then even if Michael does tell her his secrets he’s highly unlikely to open that can of worms along with everything else he’s been hiding, so that means Mary herself will probably have to mention it (or Emily, I suppose, but that seems unlikely) which I don’t see happening for a while :/ I hope I’m wrong. I want to see Michael get his arse handed to him for that xD

Sorry for the long time between comments. My midsems are finally over so I can start reading again :3 Anyway, I’ll stop rambling. I enjoyed reading this chapter. Jake and Peter’s scenes together were sweet as always, and there was plenty to be intrigued about. Avril being able to see him is definitely something I didn’t expect… And I’m really curious to find out what Neil’s up to :P Anyone who’s out in a thunderstorm like that must have something to hide, and I’m really looking forward to reading on and seeing what his deal is.

I guess one thing I found strange is that Avril, like Peter before her, seems remarkably calm for someone who just discovered the existence of ghosts. She seems to take it in her stride quite easily which I find a bit odd :P Also, and sorry for my nerdy griping, but it irked me a little when Peter was studying DNA and photosynthesis at the same time. Those topics are quite different – I would think it would be something like, respiration and photosynthesis. Or DNA and DNA synthesis. Again, I’m sorry for being such a nerd xD

And the truth about Scarlett is finally revealed xD Her hair colour… How dare she deceive me with its redness :P Anyway I was really glad to find out the connection between her and Abby at last. I didn’t think Scarlett would be her daughter (since she mentioned her other daughters before, it didn’t seem to work), but I was kind of surprised to see she was Abby’s sister’s daughter. I was thinking cousin or little sister or something :P Which doesn’t make much sense, because age-wise niece is more plausible since there’s a large age-gap between her and Abby. But now I think about it, I have cousins who are pushing 40, so that’s a twenty year age gap between us, which is even larger xD Sorry for rambling, by the way. I’m slightly brain-dead from the endless study I’ve been doing for the past week.

Anyway, I’d be surprised if Scarlett doesn’t notice the resemblance between them, especially now she’s gone back to her natural colour. She’s smart girl. Maybe it’ll take her a while, but I’m sure she’ll notice how much she looks like Abby eventually, if she hasn’t already and has just been keeping it quiet. I wonder what she’ll do when she finds out. I guess in a way it wouldn’t change much – Scarlett’s adoptive family’s still dead and so is her birth mother (presumably). But as Abby said, it would make her even more determined to be adopted by her. But unlike Abby, I think it’s a good idea – would she really be happy, now she’s met Scarlett and formed a bond with her, watching her go off to live with a foster family where she may not be treated well? Somehow I don’t think she would.

It’s nice to see Abby becoming a little bit more… open, I suppose? I mean, she’s still pretty closed off, but it’s nice to see she’s starting to consider a relationship with Jake… I think it would be good of her to experience something like that again. And I’m sure it would make him very happy too ;) Still, I’m not really sure what will happen between them, after the end. She seems a tad annoyed with him, even though I think he spoke the truth :P Anyway, overall I really liked this chapter. I’m glad to get some answers to those questions and am curious to see what will happen now. I hope it’s nothing terrible, at least not for a while xD I don’t think my heart can take it.

I can’t say I was expecting Avril to be able to see Jake. That makes things a lot more complicated… I really have no idea why she’d be able to see him as well. I’d say the two of them have an inherited ability to see ghosts or something like then, but then as proven with Malcolm, Peter presumably can’t see any ghost but Jake, so… Who knows? It’s all very intriguing. Speaking of Malcolm, I feel really bad for him :( You did a really good job with the first part of the chapter. I could feel how crushed he was.  Anyway, the rest of the chapter was good too; Jake and Peter’s conversation about Black Butler was amusing (I have a friend who loves that amine so Peter reminded me a lot of her in this chapter xD) and as I said the ending with Avril was really intriguing. I’m looking forward to reading on.

The paragraph starting with: “If Wednesday’s weather…” was for some reason in a much smaller font that the rest of the story. I’m not sure if that’s something you did or if it was the site playing up, but I thought I’d point it out.

Thanks for the comment! Heheh, that’s funny because for me I struggled to think of what Gifts of Water would be afraid of xD I don’t really know why, because the other three were easy for me to think of :P Anyway, 805 really doesn’t remember. He wouldn’t hide something like this, not when he can see how desperate 256 is to know. I wouldn’t say it’s an 100% given he won’t remember though (if he survives, of course :P) – if he thinks about it and something happens to jog his memory, it’s possible he’ll remember it.

As for glasses and the bows and arrows, only a select few of the Gifted know about these inventions. The Council knew bows and arrows existed but the ordinary Gifted did not, that was the main problem. They were, after all, the ones who sent a letter telling the ordinary Gifted what the weapons the rebels were using were once they'd had the chance to examine them. Same with glasses, the ordinary Gifted have no use for them because none of them can read and they don’t hand out glasses for those with prematurely bad eyesight. The Council members who need glasses are not allowed to wear them in front of ordinary Gifted, just like they’re not allowed to tell the ordinary Gifted about any of the other technology the Council uses.

For a history noob like Carey reading that chapter was very disturbing, but it was my intention for it to be fairly obvious to everyone else that the Gifted were stretching the truth with their account :P Of course, it’s not completely a lie and the major events are more or less accurate. It’s the reasons behind those events and the situations the factions were in that are just a tad dramatized to make the Gifted look like the oppressed, pure-hearted group. The Queens of the Stars, whether real or not, are the objects of worship for Tarantians. Or at least they were, since the island seceded from Tarantis a long time ago so they perhaps they worship something else now, or have a modified version of their original religion :P They’re meant to have to have a “Mother Nature” vibe, which is why they’re Queens instead of Kings like I originally planned xD Anyway, although the whole island, not just the Gifted, is devoid of religion in the present, it may not have always been that way. After all, the book Carey reads only chronicles the first 200 years after the Gifted took power, and was probably written around 300-400 years into the Gifted’s reign. A lot of time has passed since then so perhaps when it written they still worshipped the Tarantian religion.

Haha, yeah overall they haven’t been very sneaky :P The Leader and Co. was onto them from almost the very beginning. As for 805 and the woman he supposedly killed, I’m not really sure if I’ll ever reveal the full truth about that. Part of it, yes, but not the whole story because 805 has kept it hidden for a reason :P

I really don’t know what to think of Michael now :P He was perfectly nice in this chapter and his concern for Snow is convincing, but… I still get a creepy vibe from him, even if I put aside the whole situation with Mary. Maybe it’s because even if Michael has the best intentions in the world, he’s still ten years older than her. I’m not totally against large gaps in relationships or something like that, but when one of the people involved is only sixteen it feels very slimy to me xD Anyway, I’m really wondering what’ll happen when Snow finds out about Mary, if she does. Surely she will, at some point, and it’s sure to knock him down a peg or two million in her mind - even if he does end up having a good reason for it. Heheh, he is a quick thinker though, I’ll give him that. But although Snow may have been convinced by his excuse for using a sword to fend off JTG, I was not convinced in the slightest :P To be fair, I do have prior knowledge, but… Eh.

Anyway, the second part of the chapter was just as interesting as the first. I’m glad there was a bit more information about Miranda… And Mary’s theory definitely raised a few good points. But, even though what she’s saying could make sense I think Sara is definitely dead. There is, in my opinion, too much evidence to think otherwise :P Now, she could still be JTG as some sort of ghost/guide thing, but like Snow I don’t think Sara would be like that. No matter what, I do think she cared about her friends and she’d never torment them like this. In my opinion she’s more likely to be S if anything, and even that I'm sceptical of. Miranda, though… I could see her being JTG, as a ghost or alive. I don’t know, just from the girls’ description of her, it seems possible. And it would make sense, especially if she is really dead because then she’d want revenge for her own death and perhaps she’s most focussed on Snow because Snow’s the current queen bee, but… I don’t know. I feel like there’s something I’m missing, and that connection to Snow doesn’t feel personal enough. Anyway, I think I’ve confused myself enough for the night xD Theory crafting is hard work.

One thing I was rather surprised about is that Snow can apparently read Latin, since it’s not a language commonly taught anymore :P

Sorry for the long time between comments. School has not been kind to me… X.X I realise I forgot to review Boy as well, even though I said I would… Sorry >.< I’ll try and get to it this week, I promise. Anyway, overall I really liked this chapter. I liked the humour of it especially – those poor tourists :P I can only imagine how weird it would be to see someone making out with apparently thin air. I’m really intrigued to see what’ll happen next, with Malcolm. Poor guy :( I didn’t really think that Peter would be able to see him, but I feel sorry for Malcolm anyway. I think Peter can see Jake for a reason, so hopefully there is someone out there who can see Malcolm.

I’m sorry to be a nerd, but there was one thing that bothered me in this chapter about Peter’s schoolwork :P It was near the beginning, when he states: “Biology was difficult enough, the complex names and theorems” Theorem is usually a term used in mathematics, etc and tends to involve equations. It’s not really something I’d generally associate with biology. Sorry again, it’s not that important, but the biology nerd inside me wouldn’t let it go :P

Another thing that surprised me was the fact there wasn’t a bus for them to catch for another 45 mins. Now, I’ve never visited New York so correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t a really busy city? I would think buses come more often than that. My city’s notorious for its bad public transport, so if I can totally imagine a bus not coming for that long here, but I always thought New York was supposed to have good public transport since it’s got such a dense population and all.

I felt so bad for Alex :( I think her emotions in this chapter were very well done, especially her reaction to the girl outside, and the part where she said she felt like a frightened little girl when she’d always considered herself one of the guys. Awww :( I think she is handling it pretty well, overall, I mean she managed to act quickly and save her father, even if she didn’t know how well it would work. The whole scene of them moving through the camp was really well done too, I was frightened the whole time for them and I’m really glad they managed to make it through to the ranger’s station. I’m not sure how safe they’ll be there but at least it’s a start.

It’s also good they’ve found a way of killing them permanently. Well, hopefully anyway :P Perhaps they will get up after a time, but I doubt it. And they appear to be blind as well, although not deaf. Because of that they remind me of the zombies in High School of the Dead. But that’s the only zombie thing I’ve ever watched, so I have no idea if those are standard zombie traits xD.

I really wonder what’s going on with the rest of the world. I hope they get off the mountain without any further issues so I can find out :P I’m not all that hopeful though… After all, a bus would make a lot of noise, so I’m sure the zombies will notice it and perhaps come after them. Although I suppose they might not stand a chance with a large metal vehicle, but whatever :P I should stop rambling… Overall, this was a good chapter, scary and emotional. I’m really anxious to see what happens next.

Thanks for the comment! I’m glad it was enjoyable to read :) Thanks for giving your input on the scene with Brandon, and pointing out that error. My intention for that scene was that Nate sort of… Freezes, I suppose, and finds himself unable to really confront him at that point even though he’s completely convinced Brandon killed her. But who knows? Maybe he’ll be brave enough next time xD Anyway, I'll take a look at it.

Wow, their relationship moved a lot faster than I expected :P It makes me even more convinced that there must have been some sort of connection between them before, for them to be holding hands all the time and dating already even though it hasn’t been very long at all. I enjoyed all their interactions in this chapter, they were sweet but surprising at the same time.

But, despite that I think that Malcolm does have a point (although he was angry when he said it, but whatever). For all Jake knows Peter could ditch him for a human boyfriend. Not that I think Peter will, or ever would, but they’ve only known each other for a day so I think that was a reasonable point for Malcolm to make. I feel really sorry for him though :( Poor guy. I hope he finds someone who can see him too.

This is a small thing, but at the beginning of the chapter I was rather confused about who’s POV I was in, since I’d been expecting it to switch back to Peter. I figured it was Jake again quickly, but still I think it would be helpful if you stated it was his POV at the top of the chapter like usual so idiots like me don’t get confused xD

Thanks for the comment! Haha, it seems you put more thought into Jody than I ever did xD Still, that said I think I could write a short story about her. Her main purpose in the story is to show how Lauren’s death and Nate’s obsession with Brandon is affecting his life, in this case, his work.

Thanks for pointing out those errors too. I’m glad you think this chapter was emotionally impacting, personally I’ve never really been all that satisfied with it…

I still kind of feel like Peter’s accepted the idea of ghosts fairly quickly. Perhaps there’s a reason in the story why this is the case, but for now I find it pretty odd that he seemed to just accept it and then invite the ghost over to his room for the night without much further questioning. Even if he’s not easily spooked, it seems a bit weird he’d accept the presence of the supernatural so easily, you know?

But, despite my griping I did enjoy the chapter. It’s nice that Peter and Jake have formed a connection so easily, and their interactions were really sweet :) You did a good job at describing Peter’s awe when he saw Jake glowing in the dark. I’m not much of a romantic (what can I say? I’m a cynical old biddy :P) but even I was like, “aww…” xD Also, I do hope Peter gets this puppy society of his going. I know if I went to their school I would join it. Doggies are the best! :3 Sorry for rambling, btw. This is why I shouldn’t comment on things late at night when I woke up at 5 to go to work…

Yay, Jake! I thought Abby was gonna leave without him xD I’m glad he’ll be there during the next part of the story, and Scarlett too. Hahaha, speaking of Scarlett she cracked me up in this chapter. Especially when she was telling Jake off towards the end. He’s not the smoothest of fellows, but still, I think he’s pretty much a lost cause in that regard so she could lay off the teasing xD It’s funny how Scarlett acts like a child sometimes (staring at the ice-cream parlour) but then acts very adulty in others, like her rather non-discreet shipping of Jake and Abby. Sorry for rambling, by the way. I woke up at 5 this morning for work so staying up late to comment on things probably wasn’t my best idea ever :P

It was interesting to see the contrast between Abby in the last chapter and Abby in this one. In this one she seems more... vulnerable, nervous, more unsure of herself. Especially when she was wearing her uniform and nervous about going shopping, it shows how long it must have been since she lived a normal life and could do things like that. I wanna give her a hug :( I hope spending time with Jake and Scarlett will allow her to live normally for a while and hopefully allow her to open herself up a little more. Some peace and quiet will do her good as well, I think. Hopefully, that’s what she gets xD I’m really looking forward to the next few chapters. Any place with more cows than people sounds like a good place to be ;) Gotta love cows.

Thanks for the comment!  See, Caleb’s not that bad xD I enjoyed writing about his and Marina’s backstory in this chapter. Caleb may not be the best at expressing compassion but he deeply cares for Marina and Alice and they love him a lot too.

As for Ben, I’m glad he was likeable. He is very down-to-earth and easy to get along with for the most part, but, like most of the characters he’s got some secrets ;) Still, I’ve grown quite fond of Janelle’s harem so it was fun to write about Ben because I correctly predicted that he’d become the newest member :P  If you’re wondering, Janelle’s harem consists of all the men people have suggested she will have romantic liaisons with in the future – the list consists of Wesley, Thomas, Caleb (tsk, Janelle. Seducing a married man :P) and now Ben, due to my sister’s reaction to this chapter xD

And hey, who said Tarantis were the bad Otherworlders? :P It all depends on how you look at it – I mean, assuming Hahana and Maui are telling the truth, they of course aren’t the biggest fans of Tarantis since their country’s under threat. But who knows? Perhaps the Zeian government has done something to offend them or something like that. Hahana and Maui, being patriotic members of the military, will gloss over it. Or maybe Tarantis just plan to invade Zeia for the Evulz :P Who knows?  

Thanks for the comment! I’m glad Nate was relatable in this chapter - I’ve never had a relationship before (ain’t got time for that), so whenever I write about characters’ relationship problems and romantic scenes I’m always worried about how realistic they are xD Thanks for pointing out the issue with the time-skip too.

Abby is a very lucky lady, that’s all I can say :P Well, in this chapter. She hasn’t been very lucky for most of the story. I’m rambling already xD Anyway, I really liked that whole scene, when Abby was being questioned by the admirals. It was very tense and I wasn’t sure what to expect until the end, but I’m glad Abby got through and even got promoted. I was proud of the way she explained her actions and then told them off for their own attitude. The speech she made was very impressive and was touching, especially the part about Scarlett. It makes me even more curious to find out what their connection is… I hope we find out soon.

Anyway, despite Abby's impressive speech, I can’t blame the admirals for being a week bit narked (I feel Scottish tonight) since, despite her best intentions, Abby’s decision to save the ship did indirectly lead to thousands of people dying in the ensuing Na’Vaxii attack, while only one was saved from the wreckage. But, obviously Abby had no way of knowing it would turn out that way. One thing I thought was a bit strange though, was how it was mentioned that there were seven admirals but only three actually spoke when they were interrogating Abby xD

Aww, Hope. I’m glad she was recognised too, even if she’s a bit nervous about it. Like Abby, I think she’ll do great, if she gets a bit more confidence. I’m really curious to see what happens next. I’m not sure where Abby’s going next or who she’ll be with on their months off, so I’m excited to find out. Unless there’s a time skip or something, in which case I suppose it won’t matter :P

Thanks for the comment! My intention with that scene was to show how desperate Nate’s become to find someone to blame for Lauren’s death – once he gets the idea that Brandon killed her it starts to consume him. He’s losing his ability to think clearly on the matter, but… now you’ve pointed it out I realise I might’ve made it too large a jump in this chapter xD He’s not quite that desperate, not yet anyway :P I’ll work on that when I’ve got the time. Thanks! :D

The fact that Jake looks exactly Peter’s daydreams of his dream guy makes me wonder if they met when he was still alive, or something like that, and had a connection. But then, surely Peter would’ve mentioned it when he saw Jake if they had met in the past. I’m also curious about Peter’s apparent bad relationship, when he mentioned Naomi or anyone else wasn’t allowed to speak his name. I liked the humour in this chapter, it was very natural (poor Avril :P) and the ending was great too. I’m happy that Peter and Jake have at last met face-to-face. I’m really curious to see what will happen, and how their relationship will develop.

Anyway, this is something I noticed, but Peter referred to autumn as well, autumn, in this sentence: “Summer was over, but I wasn’t expecting Autumn to take its place quite so quickly.” I’m not American and I’ve never been there so I correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t they usually refer to autumn as fall over there? Also, perhaps one thing I could suggest is making Peter a bit more surprised about everything that happened? I don’t know, I just got the feeling he accepted these apparent supernatural happenings without much doubt. It wasn’t a major issue, just something I noticed.

Thanks for the comment! Once again, I don’t think I’m worthy of such praise ^^;  I admire your writing too, especially your description of the characters, the setting and the overall atmosphere of your story – it’s definitely far better than mine! Anyway, I’m glad you liked the chapter. The revelation at the end is definitely a turning point for Nate. He’s certain he’s found the answer but who knows? Perhaps he’s right, or perhaps he’s wrong :P

The beginning of the chapter was very interesting. I don’t know anything about New York so it was educational for me xD Anyway, once again I really like the way you describe things and it was nice to get some details on Jake’s interests. I liked the contrast between Malcolm and Jake – specifically, how Malcolm seems a lot more comfortable being a ghost than Jake does. Sure, Malcolm has been a ghost for longer, but Jake said it had been a year so you’d think if that was the reason he’d be used to it by now. It’s all very intriguing… As was the ending scene, with Peter apparently feeling Jake’s hand as he passed through. That sequence was another one I think you described perfectly, and both the character’s actions to what happened seemed realistic. I hope Peter doesn’t start thinking he’s crazy or something like that :/

One thing I noticed is that on occasion you seem to capitalise words unnecessarily – for example, near the end you wrote:

“Is something fascinating to you, Peter?” The Professor questioned.

Since professor isn’t his name and we do know what it is, it seems odd to capatilise it. Also, earlier on, you wrote, “through the Museum’s doors” – since at this point you weren’t referring to it by its full name capitalising museum seems a bit unnecessary.

And it was interesting to get a teensy bit more info on Jake. It was kind of a sad story, though :( I don’t know why I found it so depressing even though it was ages ago and Jake doesn’t seem that caught up about it, given his apparent crush on Abby. Sentimentality strikes again… :P Heheh, Abby really will never let him forget that looking-down-her-shirt episode, will she? Anyway, that whole scene was sweet, as was the one at the bridge later, but they both made me really nervous. Everyone seems a bit too happy xD That can only spell trouble in my eyes.

Awww, Scarlett. I really hope she does get to stay with Abby, I think it would be really good for both of them – Scarlett so she can stay with someone she trusts and cares about, and Abby for those things and so she can hopefully learn to love again (I can’t believe I just used a phrase that cheesy :P). Besides, if the adoption services are anything like they are right now it’ll be very difficult for a kid her age to get adopted so she’d probably be stuck in foster care for a while :/

Lol, the Enterprise xD Even a Sci-Fi noob like me got that reference. Anyway I'm happy that Abby's recovery seems to be going smoothly, at least for now. I’m interested to see what will happen next while they’re on leave (if that ends up happening). I still feel like something bad will happen, but I guess it might not be of the Na’Vaxii variety. I’m scared >.<

Thanks for the comment! I hope you feel better :( I’m glad this chapter was good, even though it’s a bit different from the other ones xD I really wanted to introduce Lauren because then people will have an idea of what she was like, and the dynamic of their relationship as well.

Ahhh, Marina and the Diamonds <3 I’m in love with her. Originally I wrote out a lot more of the song, and no help from Google or the album was necessary  to do so xD But then I thought it would be strange for Nate to remember so many of the lyrics, so I toned it down to just the one line :P You’re right about Nate not being able to comprehend what’s happened. He’s holding onto the sliver of hope that Lauren somehow survived, despite the overwhelming evidence in front of him. Anyway, I promise it won’t be too much longer before you learn more about Brandon xD

I’m glad the murder scene was good, in a scary way. It scared me a lot too when I wrote it, although that’s not much of an achievement :P I wasn’t planning on putting that sequence into the chapter but I just kept writing and writing and somehow it happened xD Anyway, I wanted it to be a creepy turn of events, from a dream supposedly about Nate seeing the Lauren he knew to a dream about him murdering her. I apologize in advance to your brother if he gets kicked because of my story. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, I swear :P

Thanks for the comment! I was taught that since writing your dialogue with a comma like this (“Hello,” he said) means that the sentence isn’t over after the quote, capitalising the ‘he’ would be incorrect because it’s not at the beginning of a new sentence. But, when it comes to sentences like your example, I’m not really sure because exclamation marks, question marks, etc. indicate the end of a sentence. It’s all so confusing xD And don’t worry about criticising or anything. I’m a big girl, I can take it :P

As for Lauren and her never featuring in the story, let's just say you've spoken too soon ;) As for what she’s done, it really is something I expect people to figure out. I think by the time it’s revealed there should be enough hints and such for most people to at least have a hunch. At least, I hope there will be because it’s something I want people to guess :P

Thanks for the comment! This story was kind of an experiment of mine, since I’ve never really written in first person before. I’m not usually a big fan of present tense either, but for this story I felt it was a lot more effective to have it that way. It’s funny, I used to focus on mostly teenagers too, and always wrote from a girl’s POV, but now I usually like to vary the ages and genders of my main characters. It can’t because I’m getting older or something like that, I only left my teenage years a month ago xD I guess my writing tastes have changed or something. Anyway, thanks for reading. I’m glad you enjoyed the chapter :) I’m not sure if I’m deserving of such praise haha.

I instantly distrust Naomi. As a dog lover, I distrust anyone who doesn’t want to join a society dedicated to puppies :P Anyway, lame jokes aside, I really enjoyed this chapter. I like how different all the characters are from each other, and but I think you’ve written their friendships well as I could definitely feel how close they were. For some reason, Peter and Michael’s scene together really stood out, their relationship seemed realistic and just a genuinely nice friendship. Naomi and Peter’s scenes were good too, but that one resonated with me for some reason. I’m very intrigued to read on and see how Peter and Jake’s stories will intertwine… I can’t wait for them to meet :P

Anyway, here’s this chapter’s nitpicks. I think it might be better to start a new line when he’s creating the list at the beginning. The way it was written is a little hard to follow. Either that or ditch the (a) and (b) with ‘Firstly, I was able…’ and ‘Secondly, homework would be…” or something like that :)

Also, I noticed in this chapter there was a spot where you bolded something to emphasise it (“I needed someone like Matthew”). My comment from the last chapter still stands in that I think too many words are emphasised, but I also think it should be consistent so all emphasised words are italicised, or bolded, but not both. Hopefully that makes sense.

Anyway, I’d better go to bed now, it’s getting late xD I probably won’t have time to read more over the weekend, but so far I’m really enjoying this story so I’ll try and get back to it sometime early next week :)

Okay, well I thought I’d do chapter comments of this story since I haven’t read it yet, and I’ll go and give Boy a review sometime next week when I’ve had enough time to reread it :)

Anyway, the first thing I noticed about your story is how great your description is. I could really picture the scene and I think you created the atmosphere really well. Your description of the characters was really good too, and very distinct. Description is something I’ve always felt I’m weak at, so I’m impressed :)

One moment that really stood out to me was when Jake was describing how Malcolm forgot he couldn’t create anymore. The emotion in that small section was well conveyed and really made me feel for him. Overall I think you conveyed the emotions of the characters well, and their personalities too. I found the part at the end and the discussion of their purpose really interesting. I wonder why they specifically came back at ghosts, because surely not everyone does (otherwise, the city would be packed :P). I suppose it must be due to something in their past, but I’m really intrigued to find out more.

Anyway, one nitpicky thing I have is I found the italicised words a bit distracting at times. I feel like italicised words for emphasis (at least, that’s what I assume they’re for, feel free to correct me if I’m wrong) should be used sparingly. That way, the words you really want emphasised will have more effect.

Also, I’m not sure about this one because I’ve seen a lot of people on sites like this one do this, but I was always taught that a sentence of dialogue like this:

‘Not quite.” he responded with a smile.”

Should be written like this, with a comma instead of a full stop after the end of the dialogue:

“Not quite,” he responded with a smile.

Anyway like I said, although I was always taught that having a full stop there is a no-no in writing a lot of people seem to do it that way, so I’m not sure if it was just my teachers xD

I really liked how Abby insisted on making an appearance at the bridge. It was a good way of showcasing her character, since she kept going despite the fact she nearly collapsed from the effort of doing it, so she could up her crew’s morale. I think it’ll definitely be a big help for them, to see that she’s still there and fighting and they should, too xD I liked getting a bit more info about Jake too, even though it was only a tiny bit about his family all being pilots :P How dare he be normal and not have any dark secrets ;) Tsk, I expect better Jake.

It was really interesting to finally learn about One Galaxy… I didn’t really have much of an idea about what their deal was so I was happy to learn about it. I’m worried now, about Hope, Jake and Ava. I just get this feeling that somebody important will find out Abby told them about it and then they’ll all get into a lot of trouble… O.o Anyway, it was interesting how she reacted when Ava asked why Sheridan wasn’t there too. I know she might not have invited him just because she doesn’t have the type of evidence proving he’s not the operative like she had for those three, and it would be pretty bad if he was, because of his position and all, so perhaps Abby’s just being cautious, but… The way she paused and stuff when he was mentioned made it sound like she’s suspicious of him, above all the others in the ship, and I wonder why. I guess he must have done something to make her think he’s working with One Galaxy, but I don’t really know what that could be. Maybe it’s cos of all the risks he was taking and the possibility they could be tracked by the Na’Vaxii, but… I don’t know, he seemed perfectly sincere to me xD But then, maybe I’m too trusting :P

And yet again, Jake finds himself in an awkward situation. I never thought I’d see anyone (except Tony Abbott, of course ;P) with worse foot-in-mouth disease than me, but I think Jake takes that prize xD Anyway, Abby’s story was sad. Jake’s right, she really has been through too much :( Her reaction to Jake’s line at the end made me really feel for her.

Tsk, I don’t know what Alana expected when ordering from a company called Redd’s Wedding Supplies :P Let’s face it, they were doomed from the start. There’s mistakes and then there’s just being stupid ;) Aaaanyway, onto the more important stuff. There was a lot of interesting information in this chapter, starting with Zoe. I must say, out of all the people I thought might be the supernatural person Cooper was talking about, she wasn’t very high on the list. In fact, she wasn’t even on the list and I hadn’t given her a second thought at all really xD Anyway, I hope she appears soon cos witches are awesome :P

As for Brad… I’m not sure what to make of him in this chapter. He was cool in the first half, and his banter with Sophia made me laugh but was sweet and encouraging for her at the same time. But then it gets to the end and he’s talking about killing Snow. No. I won’t allow that, Brad :/ I don’t think he’s a bad person, and I think I get where he’s coming from - presumably, killing Snow will stop this dude from hurting anyone else if they’re right, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, blah blah blah… But still, I’m wary of him now. I’m with Michael on this one, just tell Snow the truth and protect her or something! Violence is not the answer :/

Moving on, I wonder who it was he and Michael were talking about, with the girl they supposedly killed before… At least, that’s what it sounded like. My thoughts jumped to Sara immediately when they started talking about it but I pretty much straight away realised it can’t be her, since before both Brad and Michael were insisting they didn’t kill her and they seemed sincere about it. Particularly Brad, and he’s the one who supposedly was involved in the girl’s death or whatever. No, I assume the girl was that Miranda (did I get the name right?) they were talking about before. I’m really curious about that, so I hope Sophia and Brad’s date is soon if that’s what he wants to tell her xD I thought it seemed like the girls were involved in her death, and they didn’t seem to associate it with Brad, so… Perhaps he framed them? Sort of? So many questions…

Thanks for the comment! Lol, anything to do with Game of Thrones is reason enough to be depressed xD Aside from Samantha he’s the other one I seriously considered making a POV character for this book, but I rejected the idea pretty quickly because otherwise Caleb and Co. would have had to appear much earlier xD Haha, I almost did have him mention Carey’s name in this chapter, but then I decided to save it for later. I felt like he might hold onto her name for a while instead of telling her everything at once. Anyway, I’m glad that the image of his parents was powerful. I wanted to show that despite Carey’s worries her parents still love her and want to see her come home safely, Gift or no.

Yeah, a rebel hideout isn’t really the place for a kid :/ Sadly for Alice it’s been like that for pretty much her whole life, even before they found the island. The sanctuaries in general aren’t very good places to raise children (unless the parents are the owners, work there, etc, and even then it’s not ideal), but in Alice’s case… Well, that’s another chapter xD As for Caleb, nah somehow I wouldn’t say teddy bear xD But, he can be compassionate and kind sometimes :P  There are a number of people he truly cares about and he does feel compassion for them in his own, deadpan way. And they’re used to the way he is so they know he means it. Psssh, what are you talking about covering? Alice wasn’t covering aaaanything, I swear. Everyone knows all that congestion from crying turns C’s into D’s ;)

Lol, Carey’s quest in life is to make sure Sam never gets a good night’s sleep :P Forget overthrowing the Gifted or going home, that’s her true goal. Anyway, I’m glad the Leader seems intimidating xD I can’t really say much about her, to be honest. She’ll be very important in next few chapters ;) As for 805, he’s really not in the best position at the moment. He’s being used and is very well aware of it, but really there is nothing he can do to make the situation better – at least, not by himself. 

Abby lives!!! Yay! :) Still, I’m worried. They said there were no side effects so far, but… I suspect these side effects could maybe show themselves in the future >.< Anyway, for now I’m happy that Abby has survived and will be back in action.

And Jake strikes again with the awkward moments xD Anyway, Abby’s story… :’( :’( I knew it was something bad,  but… To have her world destroyed, and then later the world where her daughters and ex-husband lived destroyed as well… Well, I guess that explains a lot of her actions and demeanour. The whole story was heart-breaking, and I can only imagine how the burden of it must hang over her :(

Anyway, I’m struggling to see where Scarlett fits into this. Considerng she has the same eye colour and blood type as Abby, I’m assuming they must be related, but I don’t think she’s her daughter. Not after this chapter, since it’s been shown she had two other daughters that were born when she was young, so… If she had another baby before then (since Scarlett is like 14, Abby would’ve had to be like 15 when she was born?), I don’t know why she’d get her adopted onto that ship or whatever. But then, I suppose it would depend on the circumstances. At the moment I’m leaning on the theory that Scarlett is her sister, but again I don’t see how she could have ended up on that other ship, considering Abby said the rest of her family died. Of course, she could just be saying that so Jake wouldn’t suspect anything, or Scarlett could’ve left the world before that, but… Still, that doesn’t seem quite right. So many questions… xD

Hi, sorry for not reading this before, I didn’t notice it until last week :/ Anyway, I thought this chapter was really good. I can’t say I’m familiar with a lot of zombie series but the summary seems very interesting… Also, I thought it was interesting that even though Rich died from un-zombie causes but then he was still infected anyway… I guess the pathogen must be really dangerous and airborne for that to happen O.o Anyway, overall I’m really interested to see how they will get out of this, and what’s happened to the rest of the world in their absence. It sounds very ominous so far… >.<

 I liked how you managed to introduce these characters so well, especially Alex and Rich. I think you built up the confrontation with him really well – at first, I wasn’t sure what to make of him – I didn’t expect him to die so soon and I thought he’d be part of their “team” or whatever, but at the same time he was pretty creepy… Anyway, even though I was wary of him I didn’t really expect him try and rape her, and then get killed by Sawyer (accidentally, but still ) O.o I think your description of that last scene was really great and scary. I’m a wimp when it comes to horror though xD

"So long as you're not spreading anything else” – This seemed like a strange comment for a brother to make about his sister. I’m not sure why, but even if he was worried about her, it seems odd to word it that way. I couldn’t imagine my big brothers saying things like that to me. But then, they aren’t the protective type at all so who knows what they’d say if they were xD

Thanks for the comment! Lol, I’m glad the story seems Netflixable :P Well, keep wondering how their meeting will go because you’ll find out very soon :3 Nate is really struggling with everyone thinking he’s the murderer, but in reality part of it is all in his head. Sure, there are some people who truly believe he killed her, but a decent portion don’t or are indifferent. For example, Nate is famous at the school not because the students think he murdered his wife, it’s more because they know his wife was murdered. They’re wary of him because they are wondering if he’ll break down into tears or something, rather than being afraid of a murderer. But in Nate’s paranoid mind everyone is watching him and judging him wherever he goes.

Lol, I’m glad Max is cute xD I find him rather difficult to write, so I’m really glad you think his thoughts are realistic. I can’t say I am usually around five year old boys, and I‘ve also never met any whose mother died suddenly, so makes it difficult for me to really predict how he’d act :/

Sorry for the long time between comments. I’ve been working on a farm all week and it was very tiring… xD Anyway, I really liked the interrogation scene. I felt kind of sorry for Hurst, but it was funny. Hope and Jake’s differing methods on how to interrogate Hurst were interesting, to say the least. Jake’s certainly very dramatic ;) Anyway, I really hope we find out more about Hurst’s shenanigans soon. It sounds like it’ll be something really interesting… I’m not convinced he would have given them the full story though. I don’t know. I guess it depends on how loyal he is to these people :P  

Anyway, I’m not sure why I’m only mentioning this now when I’ve been thinking it for a while, but as well as being curious about Abby’s past I’m also curious about Jake. I don’t feel like we know much about him (but for all I know, I’ve forgotten some long and dramatic confession of his backstory in a previous chapter :P) and I wonder if he has any secrets. Well, I’m sure he does, since everyone has secrets, but I wonder what they are xD

“I could go into details, but none of you would understand it anyway” this line made me laugh so loud I scared my dog. She’s a sensitive little animal sometimes :P Anyway, I really hope this experimental treatment thingy he’s got going works so Abby will live. I still fear a Ned on the horizon, but this has given me a bit of hope.

Thanks for the comment! Heheh, well I have the same problem often so I can’t blame you xD I always plan to read stories then something else comes up and I have to leave it for another day. Lol, my sister often wakes me up like that too sometimes so I was writing from personal experience xD Unfortunately, I’m very cranky when woken up from sleep so I usually have a few choice words for her :P Anyway, Carey and Samantha’s discussion of Reagan and his alliances was probably the most important bit of this chapter. It hasn’t really been touched upon much since he died, but there is a lot that doesn’t make sense about the current explanation of his situation.

Haha, well I’m not sure when I’ll be able to work in more hugs but I’ll try xD I’m glad I managed to redeem Samantha a bit in this chapter. That was really my main aim for it, to be honest. I rewrote that part many times because I felt it was really important to get it right. Anyway, it definitely is good for Carey to tell someone about her problems with her Gift, but as you say she really does need to bite the bullet and tell 256 about 440. Otherwise her guilt is only going to worsen, and the chance of him having an adverse reaction increases the longer she keeps it a secret. Let’s be honest, Carey’s got a talent at digging herself into holes :/

As for 805, more about his current situation will be revealed soon so keep feeling sorry for him xD Overall he does believe he’s made the right choices in his life, but there definitely a lot of things he regrets despite that. Michelle's a good example of that, because although he knows his choice to leave her was the right thing to do and staying with her was an impossibility, he still can't help but wish he could've stayed and had a longer and more open (as in not secret, not the other thing :P) relationship with her. As for 256, he really doesn’t have a clue about a lot of things. A normal life is not something he’s familiar with in any way, and he really doesn’t know if his feelings equal love, or how to have a relationship with someone even if they do.

Noooooooooooooooo. Why do you do this to me :,( :,( Abby… I really hope she lives. I’m hopeful since she survived through the night, but for all I know you’re just getting my hopes up so you can pull a Ned Stark on me. I’m gonna be very on edge until I read the next chapter… Anyway, overall I liked this chapter. There was lots of tension and heartwarming moments. I liked seeing Jake and Scarlett again. They’re totally best friends, no matter what they say :P Poor Jake. He seems to get caught in awkward situations very often. At least Hope was cool about it. I felt really sorry for him in this chapter :( It’s heartwarming how much he cares for Abby, even though as he mentioned they’ve only talked for like thirty minutes. Nawww.

Speaking of Jake, I’m glad he gave that paper to Abby… I’m really curious to find out what it is. I really have no idea what it could be, so that’s certainly gonna be interesting. I suppose it must relate to who Hurst is working for and his motivations, like their symbol or something, but I really don’t know what that could be. I must admit I felt a little sorry for Hurst, to be cornered like that and he seemed really frightened… Anyway, I really liked that whole sequence of events. I liked how Abby tried to turn himself and was nearly successful, but then because of one little mistake he shot her anyway. I thought that was really realistic for Hurst to freak out the way he did over the noise.

There was one thing that confused me a little. It’s about Abby’s blood type. Sorry if you already know this, but although O –ve is a rare blood type it’s the universal donor, so generally medical teams like that would ensure they have a large stock on board since it can be given to any person, no matter what their blood type is. I mean, perhaps they ran out (and since they’ve been fighting and stuff this would be a reasonable explanation) but the way the doctor says it makes it sound like they didn’t bother to have a supply on board, when I think O –ve would be the blood type they’d stock over all others even if they thought the ship wouldn’t get into any scuffles with the Na’Vaxii.

Tsk, Sheridan, don’t you know that the universally recognized distress signal is mauve, not red? Sticking with those silly human ideas… xD Anyway, this was a good chapter. I liked the action and was excited to see what the aliens looked like, since they haven’t been seen before (or maybe they have and I just don’t remember). Anyway the descriptions of them were good and scary-sounding so good job on that. I’m scared because I’m sure they’ve got something up their sleeve, and Hurst is still missing. Eep, I’m almost too afraid to read the next chapter because I’m sure something really bad’s going to happen. But I’m too curious so I know I’ll have to read it despite my fears xD

Anyway, I really liked learning a little bit of Hope’s backstory as well. It’s sad how she’s worked so hard but is barely acknowledged for it. I can relate to her because I also think I would be very scared if I was on that ship xD Although, I’d probably just hide instead of insisting I go along and stuff, so… yeah, I’m a bit of a wimp xD Still, it was cool how she found the strength deep inside her (yeah, I’m being sentimental again :P) to kill the Na'Vaxii when her friend really needed it.

Heheh, when I read the bit about Dennis sitting in a high back chair I thought, all he needs is a white cat to stroke evilly and he’s perfect xD Sorry, I have a strange mind… Anyway, it’s good that Noel got her job back. You definitely don’t want to get on the wrong side of Ariana, that’s for sure xD I do feel kind of sorry for Dennis though. I can’t tell if he’s on JTG’s side, bein threatened by her or a combination of both. Also, I was surprised to see JTG had actually contacted him. It makes me wonder who else she’s contacted… >.<

And yay, Cooper! I’ve missed him :’( When he said he had some Guide stuff to take care of I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d be guiding any of the other characters. I know it’s unlikely, but… I’m gonna be hopeful anyway that he’ll appear in the next few chapters :P Anyway, overall he definitely added some intriguing info to the mix… So, there is someone in Mistbrook Falls with the same powers. I wonder, does that mean they’ve died as well? Anyway, I’m assuming this person is JTG, since she does definitely seem to have a supernatural thingy going on, with all her stalking and moving between places like a ninja. I mean I don’t see how she could have switched between bothering Snow and Michael as well as the others at school on the same day in that weather without magical powers to assist her :P Plus all the stuff with the song leads me to believe she’s got powers. I suppose it could also be Michael, but since he came out with a sword to fight JTG away I’m more inclined to believe he’s a Buffy the Vampire Slayer like person, so he’s human with enhanced abilities and magical pheremones or something rather than someone with powers like Cooper.

I’m also curious about the fire. Maybe I’m just overly suspicious, but it seems a bit coincidental. I think maybe JTG was behind it because she wanted to get Ariana and Kayla out of town for something… Eep, now I’m really nervous to see what happens >.< I hope everyone gets out okay.

Anyway, I really liked seeing how Ariana found the warehouse and what made her want to turn it into her home. It’s really nice that there’s that connection with her grandfather, as well as it being where she first met Kayla. It’s heartwarming how connected she and the warehouse are :’). I seem to be in a sentimental mood today xD

Thanks so much for the comment! Hahaha, I must admit I’m rather fond of ellipses myself. I probably use them too much :P

Thanks for the comment! Haha, see I told you what was in 805's cabinet wasn’t very interesting, at least, it was nothing people didn’t know before xD Although who knows, perhaps 805 keeps his decapitated heads in the drawers of his bedside table. By the way, hooch is now my new favourite word. I feel sorry for blasphemy. But it served me well :P Anyway, Sam was definitely deserving of Carey’s wrath. She does have a good reason to be upset, but she shouldn’t let it get in the way of their mission the way she has been.

As for Caleb’s group surviving so long, well… To be honest very few people in the original group formed twelve years ago are still alive :/ I cut most of the explanation out, but originally Marina was going to mention this in more detail and I’ll definitely add it to a later chapter, but when she says their allies kept getting killed she means their group has been wiped out save a small number numerous times over the twelve years. So the current group of people has only really been around for a bit longer than when they found the small island, since they’ve learned to stay undercover rather than challenge the Gifted directly. It’s only recently that they actually started moving into the open again. Lol, Dragonstone xD I never thought of that when I was writing it, but perhaps there was some unconscious stuff going on. Still, I think I'll call it that to myself now, to help distinguish it from the other island xD

I must admit I enjoyed writing about Alice and remembering back to my thirteen year old days :P Anyway, I’m glad her presence means Caleb’s rebels aren’t all bad xD As for what she’s upset about… Well, let’s just say that probably won’t be revealed for a while.

I’m sorry if there’s a lot of mistakes in the comment. I have to write one-handed, since my dog is getting very offended when I stop patting her… :P Anyway, this chapter was very interesting. I wonder if Johnny has anything to do with Scarlett… I’m suspicious xD But then, I suppose if he were on that ship Abby probably would have known about him too, and it seemed like Scarlett was the only one she knew… Plus, since she and Scarlett have the same eyes she’s more likely to be related to Abby, unless he’s like Abby’s cousin or something. Still, I’m convinced he’s got something to do with their connection :P

I liked the whole sequence of events of this chapter… Especially when the Na’Vaxii left and tensions were high, because I knew they were obviously gonna do something unexpected :P I’m still curious to find out why Hurst wanted to help them. I hope later on they find the time to go through his computer and stuff like they were going to, although I suppose they’ll probably have their hands full for a while with Hurst escaping ad the Na’Vaxii boarding the ship. I have to say, those marines weren’t much use though :P Letting him escape after what, a few minutes? xD Anyway, I’m really worried to see what happens next. I’m getting bad vibes so I fear the Na’Vaxii may come out on top. I hope no-one dies, but of course I fear some are :’(

Eh, even if not doing it is worse, I still think Michael seriously lacks empathy over what he did (or appears to on the surface, anyway). Like in that chapter, when he told Emily it’s all her problem. So even if my theory is true, for me he’s still in the douchebag category. At least, for now :P For all I know he's an emotional hurricane inside about it xD

Anyway, I think Mary should at least think about it, even if she doesn’t draw any connections. I mean, there’s obviously something going on that’s a bit out of the ordinary with Sara showing up to visit the four of them, so even though she's more of a rational person it seemed strange she’d just dismiss it like that. Even considering she’s distracted with her friends disappearing and Snow being with Michael, I think she’d at least be a bit curious about what they’re saying, although she might forget about it the moment she sees Steven and Jackson or something. So I think you should have her absorb what they’re saying, even if she gets distracted right after.

Poor Mary :( I felt so bad for her when she was worrying about Snow, but she couldn’t do anything. I understand how she feels, but I really hope she does find the courage to tell someone, and soon. I have a theory about why Michael did it, and it’s kind of embarrassing if I’m wrong, but I’ll say it before I change my mind: Essentially, I think Emily asked him to have sex with Mary so she wouldn’t be a virgin anymore and would then be protected from that serial killer/demon/whatever it is that apparently killed virgin girls and stuff. But even if that’s true I still think he’s pretty douchebaggy because he could have at least tried to use those magical pheromones of his and charmed her instead of raping her. And even that would still have been a douchebaggy move, in a way, but slightly better. Anyway, I hope I don't sound really idiotic xD

Mr Winston and Mr Banks conversation was very interesting… SO I guess they’re not on Michael’s side? xD It just makes me even more worried for Snow. Whatever they need her for, it can’t be good. Or maybe they’re the good guys, in which case whatever Michael wants from her can’t be good. But, I’m more inclined to believe that these guys are up to something slightly more shifty than Michael at the moment. Anyway, I wonder if JTG separated Mary out deliberately, perhaps so she could hear what Mr Winston and Emilia’s dad was saying. I was a little surprised by her reaction to what she heard though. Really, Mary? There’s a bunch of weird things going on, possible ghosts and the like, and your conclusion over what you heard is that Mr Winston loves his cosplay? :P Or rehearsing a play, really? xD

Now, the Miranda thing… I wonder if she bares relation to Jenna :P Anyway, I wonder what happened with her. If Sara and the others were responsible for her death, then… O.o Still, I am a little confused about the other girl’s involvement. The chapter before when Mary and Nikki were talking about it, they acted like they hadn’t know Sara was the instigator before she told Mary (or Nikki, I can’t remember which one it was) but then in this chapter it seemed like they knew all along that Sara was the one responsible. Unless they’re talking about two separate things, but it didn’t seem like it.

I don’t think you need to say where Nevada is. It wasn’t super confusing that I didn’t know where it was, I just said that as a joke :P I figured it was probably a state/city. Anyway, it’s a real place and most people who read this would probably know what it is, so adding an explanation might seem a little forced. I mean, if I was going to write a story set in Fremantle, for example, I probably wouldn’t say where it is even though I’d expect few people outside of Australia (or WA, really) would know where that is.

Fine, I’m impressed that he learns all those languages :P The only language I learn is anatomy (it’s totes a language, according to my professor). Wow, they’re really going to outlaw abortion? I hate to think of all the women who’ll die using back-alley methods because of that :/                                                                                                

Sorry for taking a while. I really liked this chapter. I think it’s a really interesting concept, what with the US and Canada getting married or whatever ;) One does have to wonder what England thought of Canada being conquered, since it’s part of the Commonwealth and stuff :P Still, in a way I kind of wish there was less info included at the beginning. I’m not sure, perhaps it’s part of the satire, but I usually like it better when the exposition and stuff is integrated into the actual story. That might just be me though.

“It became the largest country in the world at 19,613,761 km², 2,515,519 km² more than Russia”.  I think this would be better if the comma after km was a dash. It looks rather confusing at the moment :P

“In an attempt at satisfying them she tried increasing rights, such as the right to bear arms, use drugs, and have an abortion.” I might be wrong about this, since I don’t know much about American/Canadian law, but don’t women already have the right to have an abortion? I mean, it might not be approved by a lot of people, but they have the legal right don’t they?

“we had gone to the old U.S. capitol,” *capital

“But it were as if these actions” *was

“We almost got there when the car broke down and the worst of places."

“Though the sky was blue it was a chilly and windy day, but maybe just because I always get cold.”

Anyway, I found Seth’s uncle very interesting… Why is he taking Seth all the way to Nevada (wherever that is :P). I wonder what he’s hiding. He reminds me a lot of Uncle Narol from Red Rising. Especially if… Actually, I probably shouldn’t say that in case you haven’t read that series and were ever planning to xD Seth himself was an cool character too. I’m very impressed at him knowing all those languages xD He seems a bit quiet, like Alan from your other story, and I’m curious to see how he develops, as well as meeting the other characters mentioned in the summary.

Well, this was definitely an interesting chapter. I hope Dan, Wendy and Adriana are okay :( I don’t think they’ll be dead (at least, Dan and Wendy won’t be. Adriana is possibly dead in my opinion) but I’m still worried. I really liked the action scene in the house. It was really well written and exciting. I liked all the details and the decisions Kozel made during the fight, but my favourite bit of that scene was when Kozel recognised the chair Dan was sitting on and his reaction to that. That was really sad/nice, and makes me even more hopeful for a bromance <3 heheheh.

It’s sad that Kozel finally meets some monsters and all they want to do (well, not Aiyx, but those other guys) is turn him into a blanket xD I thought the addition of Aiyx and the rest of the Feuig clan was cool. I must admit I’m a bit over dragons and seeing them in a fantasy story tends to invoke eye rolling for me, I like how they’re not full on dragons since they’re human shaped and stuff.

Anyway, I liked seeing more monsters, and how you highlighted the differences between them and Kozel’s clan. Still, despite the idea of making Kozel into a blanket being thrown around, I think they’re not evil, and I’m sure Kozel will be greatly affected by meeting them. I hope they choose not to make him a blanket, and then he’ll be able to see that monsters don’t have to be evil and therefore neither does he.

“I feel like a fucking stripper” How does Kozel know what a stripper is? I didn’t know monsters have strippers too :P Although I suppose they very well could. I shouldn’t judge.

“Are really that bad at throwing,”

“He climbed the counter”

“The man was trapped inside. But Kozel wouldn't risk it,” I know Kozel probably means he wouldn’t risk going back and saving the man, but I think you could say this and make it a bit clearer.

“and didn't hadn't even notice.”

 “the said simultaneously.”

Sorry if this comment is confusing/repetitive. Anyway, I noticed you wrote a new story, would you like me to read it? Anyway, overall this was a good chapter and I’m looking forward to finding out what happens to everyone. 

Lol, honestly what 805’s got in his kitchen cabinets really isn’t that exciting xD As for his parents, he is definitely stretching the truth when he says he never cared, but the way he thought of them when he was a child is very different to the way 256 feels about his. It’s partly because even though they were both raised in the Council, 805 never had anyone like 440 and 913, and he was a prodigy while 256 was the pass by the skin of his teeth sort :P But there is one, specific reason why 805 resented his parents, but it’s not something he likes to talk about so I don’t know if it will ever be revealed in the story. Lol, somehow I don’t think the Council really hosts cooking classes for the Gifted xD Besides, 805 would never see the need to go to one, because he likes his food even if no one else does :P

Sam… Yeah, she’s definitely not making the best decisions right now :/ Still, it would definitely be very difficult for her to ignore it and treat him normally until they get to a more appropriate location. She’s built him up as a demon in her head and it’s difficult for her to let go of that, even a little bit. Heheh, that’s true, it would have been a little typical if they’d had the awkward “there is only one bed, now we have to share” moment :P I didn’t really think of that, tbh. Anyway, thanks for the comment! :)

Yep, you’re secretly a Kiwi. You see, they sound like they’re saying sex when they say six (something that we regularly make fun of them with) so I am very suspicious now :P

Anyway, thanks for answering my questions. I’m glad the long chapters are okay. I keep trying to limit myself but they keep getting longer and longer xD And I’m happy Sam’s still likeable. I was worried I’d gone too far.

Thanks for the comment! Lol, it’s funny you should mention sex and six rhyming… You’re not secretly a Kiwi*, are you? I’m suspicious…

“Carey’s little boyfriend” Ouch. That’s a bit mean :P Short people have feelings too. Not that I’d know, of course, since I’m freakishly tall xD

I do have a few questions, firstly, do you think my chapters are getting too long? Secondly, what do you think of Sam’s actions in this chapter, and the ones leading up to it? Is she still likeable even though she’s been acting rather witchy?

*Kiwi is Australian for a New Zealander :P

“Michael, are you a rapist?” If only you knew, Snow. If only you knew… Not that I think he’s going to rape her. He might use his magical pheromones (either the figuratively or literally magical kind :P) to lure her into it, but I don’t think he’d rape her. Also, how did he get into her phone to read her messages? The sneaky weasel. Although, I do have a theory about what happened with Mary, which makes him seem a little less douchebaggy (but still pretty douchebaggy). I’m too afraid to say what it is though cos it would be super embarrassing if I was wrong xD

Haha, I found it funny when Michael was asking her about having two mums. Not because it was a funny conversation, but Snow’s answer was the exact same thing I say when someone asks me what it’s like being a twin :P Anyway, their interaction in this chapter was kind of creepy but nice at the same time. I really don’t know what to think of Michael, to be honest. I mean, sometimes he’s acting like a douchebag and yet he seemed pretty nice in this chapter. And it didn’t seem like he was putting it on, at least, not completely. He does seem to genuinely like Snow. As for Snow, I’m very worried about her… Even if Michael turns out to be a misunderstood guy with a heart of gold, he’s still like ten years older than her. But I suppose she’s probably still really upset about Sara and Jackson, so maybe that’s why she got attached to him so easily.

And that ending! I definitely wasn’t expecting that. I thought it would be a lot longer before JTG would go after them physically. Still, I’m not sure if JTG would have actually killed Snow… Hurt her, maybe. Scared her, definitely. But it seems to me that she likes being the creepy stalker and killing them would mean that would end pretty quickly. Unless maybe getting Michael involved stuffed things up for her, and that’s why she attacked Snow. I mean, if he is magical knight or whatever I’d assume he’s not someone you want working against you. Anyway, overall this was a really good chapter, but very scary xD I really hope nothing else terrible happens, but I feel that’s probably a wasted wish :P

Thanks for the comment! Haha, they definitely have a lot to learn from each other. Kind of like the Gifted and the nonGifted, I suppose ;)

Oops. The Leader was originally a man, but I ran into some issues later on with too many male characters so I decided to change her gender. Anyway, if you see any more he’s and him’s I’d be very grateful if you pointed them out :P

Anyway,  256 definitely has a few secrets from his past that haven’t been revealed yet. So does Janelle, actually :3

Hey, I’m finally back! I really enjoyed this chapter. I love all the detail you have, it makes it really fascinating to read. The action was great, I was on the edge of my seat the whole time reading it. It’s nice that Forneus got one of his powers back, and I must say it happened sooner than I expected :P Although I suppose there’s still a long way to go for him, since all the other artifacts are still out there.

I must say, I really like Forneus’s and Gwen’s relationship. I can’t help it, I’m a sucker for close platonic relationships xD I like them better than romantic ones, and honestly it’s nice to read a story that seems to have a relationship like that as one of the main focuses. I’m very curious about Forneus’s past with her though. He does seem to care a lot more than a normal person would, so I guess something must have happened. I have a theory, but I don’t want to say it because it’ll be embarrassing if I’m wrong xD

Here are some things I noticed:

“Closing his own eyes,” This is picky, but I feel like the word own is unnecessary since who else’s eyes would Forneus be closing in the context? :P

“Then what is it about Gwen that upsets him, so?” There shouldn’t be a comma after him.

I also found it strange when Gwen was thinking about the architecture, specifically this line: “wondering if it was neo-classical or neo-gothic”. I found it hard to believe a fifteen year old girl would know things like that (and forgive me if I got her age wrong, it’s been a while since I read this and I think she was fifteen, but I don’t quite remember xD). I mean, even if she’s more the studious type and stuff, it still seems strange to me.

“glancing back at Forneus, “But I could really use your help, right about now.” ‘But’ shouldn’t be capitalised as it isn’t a new sentence. Also, like the example above I think the comma after help isn’t in a place where someone would naturally take a breath, and it makes the dialogue seem a little unrealistic because of that. There were a few times this happened throughout the chapter, particularly in the dialogue towards the end.

Thanks for the comment! Sorry for the bad quality >.< I was reading over these chapters the other day and I’m really not sure what I was thinking when I wrote them. Oh well, that’s what editing is for xD Anyway, it won’t be long before you find out some information about Marvin.

It’s safe to keep going if that’s what you want to do :) I’m not making any major changes to the plot, and I update it so it still makes sense if someone wants to continue on. That said, if you do keep reading I apologize for the drop in the quality of the writing xD Thanks, and I’ll have finished my midsems this afternoon so I can finally get back to your story tonight :)

It’s good that both Clara and Snow now know that they’re not crazy and that Sara appearing wasn’t a dream :P I am curious what she really is. I think she’s probably a Guide or something, like Cooper and Claire. Although I suppose as Clara said a secret twin sister is always a possibility :P As for S… Now I’m thinking maybe she’s not Sara, and maybe she is Emily or something after all. Or Brad, but I think Emily’s more likely.

Noo, Snow… Don’t start feeling things for Michael.  I do think Clara is right, and she does like him, even if he’s so much older. Although I’m not convinced it’s her natural feelings, since Michael gives me supernatural vibes and maybe that’s why he was able to form a connection with her so easy. He’s got magical pheromones or something xD

Aww, Ariana told someone :( It was very sweet of her to do what she did. Although, I think she is lucky though that Noel didn’t get really offended, cos I’d imagine some people would. If Noel does get her job back I hope JTG doesn’t target Ariana too :/ I mean, even if she doesn’t know about JTG, Ariana’s still going around and potentially lifting some of JTG’s ammo, so… I hope she stays safe. I’m also getting worried because if Snow makes it out of Michael’s house alive and well I feel like Ariana’s probably going to tell her about her illness soon and I don’t know if I can cope with the sadness :(

Arrrrggghhh!!!! Nooo why does it have to rain now??? Snow :( I don’t think Michael’s going to murder her, or do anything to her (at least, he won’t personally. I can’t speak for possible supernatural beings and the like :P) but I know everything’s not going to turn out okay. Still, despite my worries about Snow’s wellbeing I am looking forward to the next chapter. No matter what happens, I’m sure there will be some solid information to be gleaned :P Well, I hope there will be anyway. I wonder what’s going to happen when the others (cough, Mary) realise Snow’s alone with him. I mean, they can’t really get to her, but… >.< Snow. Please be okay… Anyway, overall this was a really good chapter. I’m anxious to read what happens next, and I really hope nothing terrible happens, although I’m doubtful my wish will come true.

Thanks for the comment! And no worries, it's not like I've been consistent with my comments. I'll try to get to your story again soon, but I've got a lot of schoolwork at the moment so I'm not sure when I'll be able to read more >.< Anyway, Carey’s definitely not in a good position :/ I’m glad her feelings are coming through. And Janelle’s frustration as well. She definitely expected her mission to be easier than it’s turning out to be :P

I’m glad that 256’s development is beginning to be clear as well. He’s probably the character that undergoes the most change in the first part of the story, so I’m glad if that’s coming through. The Gifted are very isolated and are only shown one way of life, so for him Carey is like this exotic person with all these new ideas and because of that she fascinates him xD

Thanks for the comment! Heheh I try my best xD Conflicting emotions for the win. Anyway, Janelle is beginning to accept Reagan’s death and move past it as she makes new friends and gets on with her life, but it will be a while before she’s ready to let the shirt go, I suppose you could say :P

Well, Thomas’s Gift isn’t really her secret to tell, so even if she did trust them completely she probably wouldn’t tell Wesley and Co. about it. Most of her own group doesn’t even know about it, since some of them would have more prejudice against the Gifted than others and wouldn’t care if he was actually raised with the rest of them or not. So Thomas doesn’t really go around broadcasting it to the world :P

As for Wesley’s story, most of it is true, but there’s one part of it that isn’t. I’m not really sure when I will reveal the true story, but it probably won’t be that long. It’s not a major secret or anything, I just figured Caleb wouldn’t blab about it to everyone so all they have to go on is rumours and word of mouth, so they wouldn’t get the whole story correct xD

Lol, I don’t think 805 would quite know what to make of someone fangirling over him xD Still, I’ve missed him too. I’m happy because both he and Wesley are back in the story now. Took me long enough to get to this point xD Anyway, 805 is definitely going to take a lot of convincing if they want him to help them. I mean, theoretically he's at the best place he could be. He has power, respect from his fellow Gifts of Earth... Or does he? ;) Anyway, I don’t think Sam is really that interested in talking at the moment. She just wants to yell :P

I really liked seeing what Nikki’s family was like. Randy (that name xD) and Julia are definitely not the nicest people ever. I have a theory about them, actually… But it would be a bit embarrassing if I was wrong, so I want to wait and gather more evidence before I say what it is xD I think Mary is right though. I know it would be hard for Nikki to hear her parents say they don’t love her, if that’s what they choose to do if/when she tells them, but… Well, to be honest they don’t strike me as particularly loving in the first place so it wouldn’t make much of a difference. And this Labor Day incident, what is that? I'm very interested to find out...

Hmm, this S… Despite what Snow thinks (who knows, maybe supernatural beings just want to get with the times and decided to use mobiles :P) I think S is Sara. I mean, it sounds like her from the way she talks, and when she said “I’m the reason she’s gone” maybe it’s Sara acknowledging that her own mistakes led to her death. But then, since Sara just outright talked to Snow and the others last time, I wonder why she’d bother with all the text messages and cryptic talk instead of just saying it’s her. My other thoughts were Brad or Emily, since they see Michael and thus could keep an eye on him. Although I don’t see how Sara’s death could be their fault. Or Sophia maybe, but I don’t think she’d be so cryptic (and again, I don’t see how Sara’s death could have been her fault). Eh hem. Anyway, after that long spiel I’ve decided that after Sara Emily is the most likely candidate, because she’s telling Snow to stay away from Michael and she knows what Michael did to Mary (and presumably, other people).

Poor Clara :( It’s good in a way she stopped herself, since I don’t think telling Jacob would have protected her mother and friends from JTG at all. But then, Jacob does deserve to know so I hope she gets a JTG-threat free moment to tell him. Although, to be honest I’d be very surprised if Jacob didn’t figure out what Clara did. Surely at the very least he’d suspicious after that xD She wasn’t particularly subtle. Anyway, because of that I’m very worried for Clara, because if he did figure it out then JTG could still get very angry and hurt her :(

Noooo, Snow… Nooo, don’t go down that path. Michael may seem charming but he’s like ten years older than you and no matter what side he’s on, he’s still got some issues. I’m worried about her… I know she wants to trust her instincts, but when everyone’s telling you to stay away from this guy their opinions can’t be discounted :/ Anyway, I’m very worried about what will happen next.

Thanks for the comment! Sorry for all the mistakes in this chapter. I stayed up til like 2 a.m. to finish this (which I almost never do, cos I need my sleep or I get really grumpy) and my editing definitely suffered as a result. Or maybe I’m just making excuses for myself :P Anyway, they weren’t invisible while in the garden, but Carey kept holding their hands in case somebody came along and she had to turn them invisible again quickly. I meant to mention that, but I must have forgotten to add it in, sorry xD

I’m glad that Caleb and the rebels are perhaps not appearing to be quite so evil. Although, I think it’s rather standard behaviour to drink water instead of alcohol in the morning so I’m not sure if that’s really an indication of their goodness :P And rumours are rumours, so perhaps the story Wesley told wasn’t even true, or only part of it is. Hahahaha, Janeb/Calelle xD Somebody told me they shipped Weselle/Janley, so you can add him her growing harem as well as Caleb and Thomas.

I think you’re being a bit optimistic saying there “might be” some tension between 805 and Sam. After all, they didn’t exactly part on the best of terms :P Anyway, it was supposed to be indirectly funny so you don’t have to feel bad for laughing.

Thanks for the comment! Lol, if you ever find yourself having to strike up a conversation with a Perthian, complaining about the public transport is bound to get you a good twenty minutes xD Other possible topics include complaining about the heat and complaining about the government :P Anyway, moving on. Nate’s parents will definitely appear again, although I’m not quite sure when. But it will happen at some point.

I’m glad Nate and Lauren were cute. I was trying to make them seem like a normalish couple, in that sense, so I’m happy it worked. But yeah, Lauren’s not one to mess around with stuff like that. If she doesn’t like something, you know it.

And lol, you have no idea how much I’ve been dying to put in a Breaking Bad reference :P That’s part of why I made Nate a chemistry teacher instead of biology or physics or whatever in the first place. It was too tempting to resist.

So this Hurst… Something tells me he’s the one who sent that message :P The part with him and Jake was really tense and definitely raised a lot of questions. I have to say, he’s not the sneakiest of spies, if he really is one. I mean, is it really a good idea to have a book presumably full of stuff about your deceit and casually look through your tablet in the middle of the cafeteria? I think not. Hurst needs to up his game :P Anyway, I wonder if he’s the person Abby’s suspecting, or if she’s got it wrong (or maybe I’ve got it wrong and she’s right to think it’s someone else, or maybe we’re both wrong xD). If only she’d told Jake what was going on, he might have been like, “Hey, Hurst was acting weird earlier…”

Still, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. After all, I don’t actually remember much about Hurst, if it’s been mentioned, such as if he’s been a model officer or if he’s good with computers like Mosley said the sender must have been. I hope Abby’s right, even if it’s not Hurst and he’s just a red herring. Otherwise, I’m sure she, or someone else (Hope, maybe) will be in trouble… I’m worried for them :/

I wonder why whoever it was would send messages to the Na’Vaxii though. Maybe they’ve got some sort of deal, like the Na’Vaxii will let them live for helping them beat the humans… But then, I don’t see how anyone could actually trust them to keep their word if that were the case. Unless there’s something else at play here, like Abby seems to think. I wonder who “they” are, if they exist, and what they want. And since the transmissions didn’t reach the Na-Vaxii, maybe they weren’t actually for them and were for someone else. Sorry if this comment is confusing, by the way. I'm tired xD

Wow, I don’t even know where to start with this chapter xD So much happened, and I find myself more confused than ever, in a good way of course :P That ending… There’s definitely something going on there. I don’t think Michael is JTG (otherwise, surely he would have shown some sign of it) but maybe JTG’s stalking him too. Or maybe she’s Sara the ghost, and she’s trying to get Snow to believe it was him so she deliberately used that song knowing Michael was a fan of it. That’s my theory because that would explain the creepy radio thing if JTG were a ghost, and the text message at the end did sound a bit like JTG does (except without all the insults :P), but… I don’t think Sara would stalk them as a ghost and do things like get Clara’s mum fired. I mean, she may not have been the nicest of people sometimes but they’re her friends and she cared about them.

Anyway, moving on, this order of the Dawnguard sounds interesting. Although, I was a bit confused how Snow randomly knew about this obscure order. I mean, I know she reads a lot and stuff, but she seemed to know a lot about it :P Anyway, I’m not really sure how it fits in with what’s happened so far, but I’m curious to find out. Is Michael trying to get rid of demons or something? Maybe that’s who he and Brad are against, some demon dude :P Still, he hasn’t been mister nice guy most of the time, so it seems a bit strange. I guess I’ll just have to wait and find out :3 I also wonder why Snow was drawn to him so easily. Sure, it was probably deliberate on his part, but… He is a potential suspect, so it seemed strange. Maybe he’s using his supernatural powers or something. Or maybe he’s just a charmer when he wants to be xD

Clara’s portion was really sad :( I feel so sorry for Noel. I guess it just shows how far JTG is willing to go. I can’t believe they fired her, the douchebags at Gellar and Greene National Bank (Hmmm, I wonder where I've heard those names before :P). She should sue or something, since there’s no proof she actually did anything and it’s her livelihood at stake. Heheh, I sound like an American ;) Anyway, I’m really worried for Clara now as well. I get the feeling she’s going to try and do something drastic to stop JTG and it won’t go at all well :/

Aww but I like the cover xD Still, I can see why it might be a good idea to change it. I mean, I don’t think you’d have to change it much, just move the figures a little further apart or something. But, I have the artistic and photo-shop skills of a rock so I have no idea if that would work xD As for the summary, I think it’s alright. I mean, it doesn’t sound like the two of them will absolutely have a romantic relationship, or if they are then it doesn’t sound like it’ll be the main plot of the story. So unless the other stuff (the mysterious cult and things) have changed I don’t think you need to rewrite it.  

I liked the dialogue. It seemed realistic to me, and I didn’t find it rushed. I thought what Adriana told Kozel was pretty deep, and I think it was well written. Pain was a metaphor for his monster-ness, right? That’s what I assumed anyway xD

Well, if the hunters had a pet goat I’d have to give them the benefit of the doubt. As long as they treated the goat nicely, of course :P

Wow, I really like this chapter. It’s definitely my favourite so far. So much happened and not everything was expected, so it was very exciting to read. And there were some great bits of humour and drama and mystery all mixed up into one, which is how I like it best.  I really liked all the characters in this chapter, especially Wendy. I liked all her doubts over whether she should be leader or not, even though Dan said she’d do a good job. It was sad to see her thinking back to her parents too. I think Dan’s right about that too, since she was too busy trying to escape and stuff it makes sense she wouldn’t think about them all that much, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t care. Stay strong, Wendy, stay strong!

I wonder why Wendy and Adriana look alike. Maybe Adriana’s secretly her mum. Or maybe it’s a trait of witches and that means Wendy’s a witch too so that’s why she has this superpower to get people to do what she wants. Adriana said it wasn’t magic, but maybe she was lying. OMG, I’ve just discovered why pretty people exist. They’re all witches xD

But, I know Adriana must be a good person because she has a goat. Like owning a dog, owning a goat (or sort of being a goat in Kozel’s case) means that I must give them the benefit of the doubt. Although it was a weird goat, playing catch and stuff, but it’s still a goat so that means I like Adriana so far. And she has a TARDIS (I mean, a house that’s bigger on the inside) so that gives her points too xD Anyway, she seems like a nice person, so I hope she doesn’t turn out to be evil and is actually sending them to the camp of these cult people or something O.o I wonder what will happen next. I hope even if Adriana sent them to the right place they don’t get caught by the cult people on the way or something. That wouldn’t be good.

“more questioning than surprised.” I’m not sure if this is just me, but using the word questioning like that feels awkward.

“from Wendy assumed was a kitchen”

“with his han raised”

 “Even though the thought of her having used her magic on them scared her out of her mind.” There’s a few too many hers in this sentence for my brain to make sense of xD

“Perhaps it was the fact that she looked like a middle-aged version of her,” I think herself instead of her would sound better

“what he'd said soak in.” Isn’t the expression sink in? I’m not sure.

Still, my favourite part of all was probably at the end, when Dan and Kozel were talking. It’s nice that they’re not going to let their feelings get in the way of things. I really wonder what’s up with Dan and Wendy though. Why does Dan think it might not work between them? Maybe one of them’s in an arranged marriage or something. I don’t know why, but that’s the first thing I thought of xD I must be really old-fashioned. Still, whatever happens I hope Kozel and Dan become besties, cos that would be like the best bromance ever <3 Aside from Darrow and Sevro in Red Rising, of course. That’s the mark I expect you to rise to :P Geddit?

Anyway, I’m also excited/nervous to see what will happen when Dan finds out about Kozel’s kaipra-ness. I think Dan might try and kill him at first or something but then Wendy will reassure him Kozel’s not evil so then he won’t.

 “wearing a stylish black and blue dress despite the cold.” "And it's white so it blends in with the snow,” “It's obviously black and blue, are you color blind?” Nooooooooo I just forgot about that damn dress xD As always feel free to ask questions and stuff. This comment is so crazy and weird I’m sure I’ve forgotten something.

Thanks for the comment! I didn’t see any Chihuahuas :P Personally I think Samantha would’ve hugged her back. Now, she might have punched her after, but Carey would’ve been safe initially at least :P As for 805, what do you mean you’re worried? He’s his usual happy, healthy self ;) It’s funny you should say that about the Great Hall cos that’s pretty much exactly what I pictured too. Originally there were going to be four tables (one for each Gift) instead of six, and then the Council would have their own table like the teachers did in HP. But I realised I was channeling the Great Hall so I changed it xD I should just rename the building Hogwarts, shouldn't I?

Hmm, they do seem a bit cozy :P Lol, maybe you do have trust issues. Or maybe you’re completely right to distrust her ;) As for which Other World they’re working with and what they want, that won’t be clear for a while. Probably. I actually haven’t decided when I’ll reveal it yet xD

And yes, Wesley’s finally back, and this time it’ll be for more than one chapter. I’m happy cos I’ve been looking forward to reintroducing him for ages (and 805 as well) and it was originally supposed to be much sooner, but I kept writing too much and having to split chapters up so it took me way longer than I thought it would to reach this point xD Well, Samantha and 805 look more alike than Carey and Wesley do, so I don’t think Janelle’s got much hope, unless he says something that clues her in :P Although to be fair, 256 is far more clueless than Janelle is so perhaps she'll be able to figure it out.

Yes, I do know what a pendejo is. I found out through the power of google :P Anyway, thanks for answering! I’m glad the title is okay.

Thanks for the comment! Haha, I thought most people would figure out it was him right away, so I thought there wasn’t much point dragging it out too long xD It is a bit unfortunate timing for Carey, though :P As for the Gifted possibly sensing them, they might, but there are so many people in the Council with Gifts that they wouldn’t really be able to pick 256 and Carey out of a crowd. But if they were face to face, then they might notice :P

Anyway, thanks for pointing out all my mistakes xD I’m glad the humour is okay. Usually I just make the characters do random things that I find funny, but I’m not sure if the rest of the human race does xD And hey, don’t discriminate against pendejos. They have rights. They can have romantic interests if they want to :P

I do have one question: Do you think the title of this chapter is too silly? xD I was thinking of a name for it and that just popped into my head and made me laugh for like five minutes, so I decided to just go with it. But I don’t want it to ruin the mood or something.

I don’t really have any idea what Michael’s (and Brad’s) deal is at the moment, to be honest xD Even after his talk with Emily, I can’t really think of a reason why Michael would need to rape (or just have sex with, I’m not sure if that distinction has to be there) girls like Mary. Unless he’s a supernatural being who has to repopulate his own race or something, which seems unlikely xD But maybe it’s so unlikely it’s true :P Or maybe Michael is the “he” Brad and him were talking about, only Brad doesn’t know that, and thinks he’s some third party. I wonder if it’s related to that myth, though. The one mentioned ages ago, about some dude sacrificing virgin girls or something (I can’t quite remember what it was). But then Mary wasn’t sacrificed, so maybe the thing with Michael and Emily is different, but what he and Brad were talking about is surely related to it. Still, I hope there’s some concrete information soon, I’m dying of curiousness xD

Speaking of curiousness, I really wonder what Steven’s secrets are. Somehow, I don’t think he’ll be safe from JTG even though they’re hoping she’ll leave him alone. I mean, he’s involved now so I don’t see her leaving him be, even if it’s just to threaten him so he doesn’t tell the police or something. Still, I can definitely understand Clara when she said she wished it had been Steven :( Even if he’s their friend, at least JTG wouldn’t be an unknown entity anymore. It seems to me like they’re just moving from one suspect to another but really they’re getting nowhere :/ And nooo, Snow. Don’t talk to Michael. I know you kind of have to, but he’s too creepy :( Listen to Sara and Mary. I felt really sorry for her (Mary) in this chapter. The poor girl. I wonder if JTG knows about that too. It wouldn’t surprise me.

Lol, I completely forgot Thomas showed her the book xD Oops. I should stop trying to force my bad memory onto characters. Sorry for that, and for all the other mistakes I made. [I don’t want to think about just another thing that separates me further from my family. It makes me more like them instead.] for this bit, when she said them she was referring to the Gifted, sorry it’s unclear.

And yes, the Gifted have been there for a long time :P There would actually be more than four generations of each number, they just keep those four generations. So when 256 “died” they would have thrown away the file of the 256 three generations before him in preparation for the new 256. As for how long they’ve been around, I’ll give you a hint: they didn’t start recording the years in this era with the birth of Jesus Christ.

Yes, that was 256’s plan all along and that’s why he agreed to go to the Council in the first place because he knew he’d be able to find out the town he came from there. But, the records room will still be there if he changes his mind, so not all hope is lost… Unless they get caught or something :3

As for 805’s new position, the Gifted do have a reason why they promoted him despite his failed mission and lack of loyalness (cos even though they don’t know about Thomas, Michelle, and Samantha, he’s still far too inclined to do his own thing :P). And he’s actually around 47/48, depending on what time of year he was born. The Gifted (and nonGifted as well, since they don’t have very advanced medicine) who didn’t die as infants would usually live to about their early to mid forties in times of peace, so he is still slightly older than average. The previous 256s were just an unlucky bunch who all seemed to die pretty young xD

Anyway, there is still a lot more of this story to go. For one, Cursed will probably end up a bit longer than Gifted (hopefully not too much longer though, I don’t want it to surpass fifty chapters :P) and after that there’ll be at probably one, but maybe two more stories, so… Yeah, it’s gonna go on for a while xD

I’m glad it’s okay without the supernatural stuff. I was worried since the story is labelled as supernatural so I feel like they should be there already, but it will appear later so hopefully that will be okay.

Lol, the thing with the guy’s wallet was based off something that happened when I was a kid xD Someone left the backdoor open and a robber ran through our house. He stole Mum’s handbag but her wallet fell out when he was running away, so he didn’t really steal anything important in the end :P Yeah, Nate really hasn’t thought his accusation of Brandon through very well. Going to the police with no evidence to back yourself up and confronting your suspect at his workplace really isn’t the best way to get him nailed for the crime, but Nate’s getting desperate for someone to blame everything on and isn’t thinking very rationally at the moment :/

I’m glad that Nate’s feelings as a kid seemed realistic. I honestly don’t know anyone who’s been in that situation so I was worried about that. Really there’s nothing Nate could have done to stop him from beating her, and if he had tried his father probably would have beat him too. But having to listen to it and being unable to help has haunted him a lot. Still, the woman he’s referred to as his mother in previous chapters is his biological one though, so she (and Nate) did manage to get away from him.

Awww, Snow :( I felt so sorry for her when they were going through Sara’s things. I wonder if they’ll find anything on her laptop… I’m sure there must be something on there. And Rick is definitely suspicious. I know he’s trying to make his wife feel better, but… I don’t know, Sara hasn’t been dead for that long. It isn’t that urgent that her room needs to be cleared out already. I’m also suspicious of him since JTG must have known they were listening to the radio, so if he was listening through the door… But then, if they had the window open (I can’t remember if that was mentioned or not) then they could have heard through that, so perhaps not.

But regardless of his/her identity, maybe JTG is in love with Snow or something, in a crazy, obsessive way. That’s what the song sounded like to me, anyway :P And if she did kill Sara (although I don’t think she did, but it’s possible) maybe that’s why, since Snow was in love with her. Still, I don’t know why she would terrorise her and her friends though. I mean, Snow I can understand, because she might just be crazy jealous that Snow still doesn’t care about her, but the others… I don’t know xD

So, Sara was hiding a great stack of money… I wonder what that could have been for. I highly doubt she was saving up for a house, like Snow considered. Surely she would be keeping the money in the bank, if that was the case, so it makes me think that the money was obtained illegally (or in a secret transaction, even if it wasn’t actually illegal) although like Snow I have no idea what for. The only thing I’m coming up with now is it’s some sort of drug money because having it in cash reminds me of Breaking Bad, but I doubt that’s what it is. Or maybe it is… I have no idea :P

Also, this is something I noticed in the last chapter but forgot to mention: Why did Snow call Rick Mr Blake? I mean, wouldn’t he have a different last name to Sara, since he’s not her father?

I thought the part with the candle was really sweet. I don’t know why, I just thought that was really nice thing to do, even though I highly doubt a Na’Vaxii would actually be deterred by a candle. Still, now I’m really wondering if Abby is her real mother and she was adopted or whatever. Just because when Scarlett asked her if she could live with her, she said she wouldn’t make a good mother… Not Aunt or something, mother... I don’t know xD

Well, that Braxton guy sure was a pleasant man :P Sadly, I have definitely met more than a few people like him. Still, at least he knows what he’s doing and has a good plan, although I’m sure some things will go wrong (things always go wrong ;P). And the fact that Mosley seemed willing to resort to mutiny over it means their situation must be pretty dire. I wonder if she will end up mutinying (is that a word? xD) or not. I don’t know, I feel like that’s not quite been resolved yet, so I’m curious to see what will happen. Still, I hope they get back to Earth okay, although I doubt it :/ I must say I agree with Abby when she said that she couldn’t understand why they’d been sent out on this mission before the ship was refit. That seems like a very stupid idea to me when they’re facing such dangerous enemies and are carrying that secret Arcturus thingy :P

Hmm, I didn’t think the chapter was too short. At least, I didn’t notice when I read it. But looking back I think it wouldn’t hurt to make it a little longer and expand it a bit, if you have something you want to add. I like long chapters though so I’m biased :P

As for the description, I felt it’s a little unclear – I was confused by the last part, when it’s like: “Four youth set out to find out what happened to Behrend and who is responsible” because you hadn’t mentioned that something happened to Behrend beforehand, only that the power was unreliable. I’d just say something like “However, this power proves to be unreliable when Behrend is killed/kidnapped/disappears/abducted by aliens/whatever it is” :P But other than that it was good. It seems mysterious :P

And as for the romance part, I think you should do whatever you want to do. Personally I wouldn’t really mind – I do think they would be, ahem, cute together, but I won’t cry myself to sleep if that doesn’t happen or if it does in a satirical way xD

Poor Kozel xD He can’t seem to catch a break. I felt really bad for him when they were sort of ignoring him, but I guess Wendy was probably excited to see Dan again and stuff. I still think Dan’s a good guy (I mean, he has a dog) but I wonder about him. I hope Kozel doesn’t end up feeling like he’s a third wheel to them all the time though. #TeamKozel! I’m on your side!!!! xD Anyway, I wonder if Dan really is her boyfriend or something. I mean, they didn’t say anything, but it seems that way. Unless it’s gonna be like in those movies where the dude the hero keeps seeing the heroine with turns out to actually be her brother and things are really awkward. But then I don’t think he’s her brother, since he mentioned her parents and didn’t mention sharing them. And personally I don’t hold hands with my brothers (unless I was in a super duper scary situation or something like that), or act the way they were acting :P

“All hesitation melted, and she blinked a tear out of her eye.” This wording seems awkward to me. Personally I would replace the ‘and’ with ‘as’

“The parted and Wendy”

“hopped on bear feet”

“Dan held out the stick to her” This part where Dan re-entered seemed a bit sudden, he just suddenly had some dialogue and neither Wendy nor Kozel seemed to have much of a reaction to his sudden appearance, so it seemed a bit random.

“noticing the way the weary glances they exchanged.”

I thought that it was a bit weird that Wendy didn’t explain exactly what went on in Venyera to Dan. I mean, if he was from there then wouldn’t he want to know what happened? If his dad is the mayor, then… Something could have happened to him. Maybe he was killed like the others.

Anyway, there was some very interesting developments in this chapter. I wonder why Dan suddenly started to be nice to Kozel at the end. I think it’s because Kozel said he wasn’t a hunter, and maybe before Dan thought he was a hunter since he was wearing that uniform and stuff and Dan hates hunters. Or because he felt he and Kozel were kindred spirits since they were both “accused” of being a monster (although in Kozel’s case it was true… Unless Dan is a monster that can control his form all the time. Conspiracy!!).

And I’m really curious to see what happens with Adriana too, if the woman at the end was her, or even if it wasn’t and she appears later on. I wonder what a half human, half monster will be like. Perhaps they’re the ones who can control their form all the time, or they just have a few monster features. Like in InuYasha where he only has dog ears but then gets extra strength and the benefits of being a yokai/monster. But then he was also discriminated against because he didn’t fit into either the yokai or the humans. So maybe it’ll be like that :/

Lol, there’s definitely nothing wrong with that xD Harry Potter is one of my favourite things ever, so… If anything makes you think of Harry Potter is a plus in my book. But yeah, there’s definitely a possibility they will react that way. Carey’s parents are pretty family orientated (I mean, they have eight kids :P) but at the same time the Gifted are disliked widely so they may not accept her. But then she’s also not a normal Gifted, so who knows… xD

It’s funny about the numbers thing. I thought it was totally obvious they referred birth dates and death dates of the Gifted (and yes, it is the birth year, since it’s more accurate if they were looking at the average lifespan of the Gifted or something. Plus the Gifted are born with their Gifts and if they were to be Assessed on the day they were born, they’d be found but it’s just easier for them to collect the babies all at once. So it works for their ideology too :P). It wasn’t really supposed to be a mystery, it's just to show that the Gifted keep a lot of information from the nonGifted and the Gifted, even stuff like their own time keeping system. But I’ve gotten some rather elaborate theories about what they are, which I found interesting :P Oh and 256 wasn’t lying, he really doesn’t know what they mean, he was just acting weirdly because he was conflicted about whether to look at his own file or not xD

Lol, it’s funny the way people were about 805. Most people seemed to think he would go off gallivanting to look for Michelle instead of going back to the Council, but… Yeah, he wasn’t lying when he said he was going back :P And he decided not to look for her because reasons ;) Still, even with that in mind it is odd for them to promote them, since, as 256 said, their mission kind of failed and most people don't get promotions after failing things :P But the Council have their reasons for their decisions too. Anyway I’m glad the chapter turned out okay, I’m just annoyed I couldn’t finish it where I wanted and had to add the original end to the next one :/

No, that’s exactly what Janelle was doing with Reagan’s shirt. It was made from metal, and she was separating it into its components. And Reagan himself was made of metal, so when she said it smelt just like him she meant it separated into its metallic constituents just like he did. Duh. I thought that was obvious xD As for the thing with Janelle holding back tears by looking up, I’m not sure if it’s really that effective, but it’s something people (*cough* me) do to try and stop it. Anyway, thanks for pointing out all those dumb things I did xD

I’ve never heard of someone shipping, erm, “Jamas/Thonelle” but it can be a shipping thing if you want it to be xD I mean, Reagan only died a couple of weeks ago in the story, so she’s not over him yet but eventually she’ll move on from him and go on with her life. Unless she dies too, of course… ;) But yeah, I honestly don’t plan ahead when I write romance (and if I do plan to include a romance, their relationship almost always ends up different from how I originally envisioned it) so anything’s possible, I guess. I’m sorry this story has been so romancey and emotional lately xD There should be more variation soon. The next chapter’s pretty plot-driven, I guess you could say.

Heheh, I must admit you scared me for a moment at the beginning :P I was convinced JTG was after Ariana… Anyway, it was nice to see her and Kayla again. Their conversation made me really sad though :( It must be so horrible for Ariana (and Kayla too, but I’m focusing on her at the moment), knowing she’s going to leave her wife and daughter alone. It’s too sad for me to deal with…. :'( :'( Although, this chapter did make me curious about what Kayla and Ariana will do if/when they find out about this JTG business.

I still don’t think Steven is JTG, but I’m looking forward to Snow confronting him (and I hope she's the one to do it, or is at least there if Jackson does it) because I’m curious to see what he’s hiding. I mean, everyone else has secrets, surely he has some too :P As for Emilia, I’m not sure what to make of her. I mean, her story about Jackson did seem convincing, but the way she talked about Sara, and how she deserved it… I know it was a foot in mouth moment, but still. I don’t think she killed Sara (but, that’s mainly because I’m too nervous to point the finger at someone in case I’m wrong :P) but I’m suspicious of her and her dad, since it’s weird how he apparently wanted her home so quickly and he was staring at Snow creepily before. I don’t know, it just seemed like something was going on there. Also she was late. I have a thing against lateness xD And Rick too, he’s a bit creepy in some ways. Everyone’s too suspicious! I don’t know who I should trust lol. Anyway, I’m looking forward to seeing what they’ll find in Sara’s room.

And didn’t Michael say in the last chapter that Brad didn’t like beer? But in this chapter he was drinking it (and apparently, enjoying it)…. Ooooh, I’m really scared for Snow now. I bet that was some ploy he used to talk to her, since she often hangs out at that barista place…. And then he seized the opportunity to show his inner squishy side and gain her trust…. That cunning weasel. Snow, stay safe :(

Lol, Game of Scones xD That would be an interesting TV show. When you play the Game of Scones, you either cook the perfect scone or it burns. There is no middle ground. And do cafes in America really give free biscuits??? I’m so jealous :P

I’m so curious about Scarlett and Abby. I know I’m not going to find out for ages though xD I’m really not sure how they’re related. I don’t think Abby is her mum, even though she could be, but other than that I don’t really have much idea. Maybe they’re related in some other way, like she’s her sister or something. But then, Abby was saying that people on those ships usually stay on there for generations, so I’m not sure. Unless Scarlett was adopted in or something, which I suppose is an option. I’m not sure if that would be possible though.

Aww, poor Scarlett :( I don’t think the news has really hit her yet. I wonder how she’ll react when it does, maybe she’ll be strong enough to keep going regardless.

I felt kind of sorry for all those Na’Vaxii when their ship blew up. I feel bad, since they massacre so many humans like the innocent people on that ship, but then the humans have killed a lot of them too, I guess. I’m too much of a pacifist, that’s my problem xD Anyway, Abby’s reaction (when she was like “burn…”) was interesting too, because she doesn’t seem like the sort of person to take pleasure in that kind of thing, so there must be a reason why she did.

“Abby looked Jake over, noticing his usual stiff, straight-backed stance and stern facial expression.” I found this sentence odd, since that’s not really the impression I get of Jake :P But then I remember you said he used to be a more straight-laced military guy, so perhaps this is left over from then?

Thanks for the comment. Thanks for answering my question too. I did originally envision The Killer as being more of a horror story, and perhaps it will become one later, but at this stage I think it would be better as a mystery so I probably will take the creature’s POV parts out. When I was writing chapter 4, I just felt like this one in particular would be a lot better if the readers didn’t know about Nate being the one to kill her, cos then there would be more mystery with his phone call to Frances and stuff. I might give Nigel some POVs later when it does become more horror-like but I think for now I’ll stick to Nate’s and take the other bits out :P

Anyway, something I thought I’d clear up – this line: “Besides, Lauren never thought she was better than me. I was the one who thought that, remember?” was supposed to mean that Nate was the one who thought Lauren was better than him, instead of Lauren herself. Sorry if it came across as him thinking he was the better one. I’ll try and make that clearer.

I don’t know either, that’s the problem xD I guess I’m leaning towards taking it out… After writing this chapter I was just felt like it would be better without it, since as you say it does take away from the impact of Frances asking where he was and stuff. There will be POV moments for the creature later, and I think it may be better to wait until then, but I do like the supernaturalness it adds so I’m a bit torn :/

Lol, Olivia was a lot of fun to write about :P I based her off the upper class suburban mums that populate my neighbourhood in spades. As for Brandon, there should be some new info on him quite soon… ;) In my opinion his role in the story is fairly obvious, so you may figure it out quite easily. I have no idea. It seems obvious to me, anyway, but then I wrote it so I guess that’s to be expected :P

So much mystery… :3

I must say, Emilia wasn’t what I expected. She curtsied and everything xD Anyway, I never thought she’d be so nervous, and I feel bad for saying this but one does have to wonder how she and Jackson ended up sleeping together. I mean, Emilia just doesn’t seem like she has the confidence to flirt and sleep with a popular guy like Jackson (who was dating Snow, her idol, no less) after only one night. Unless Jackson was the one initiate everything, which is totally possible, in which case it could make sense the way it is because she might’ve had a crush on him or just been super flattered he paid attention to her, but… I don’t know. I think there’s something she’s hiding, although I’m not sure what. Like maybe she’s more confident than she lets on, and she’s putting it on so Snow doesn’t get mad. I don’t know. I feel kind of bad for saying that, what if she really is just nervous? xD I’m really curious to see what happens next, anyway.

Michael… Hmm, I don’t quite know what to make of him. I feel sorry for him about his sister (if he’s telling the truth) but still, he’s creepy >.< I hope Snow sticks to Sara’s warning, no matter how nice he was acting in this chapter.

I’m worried about Kayla and Ariana now :( After what happened to Clara’s mum, and since something happened to their car… >.< I hope JTG isn’t planning something awful. Who am I kidding? Of course she is :P Anyway, I guess I was right about Snow suspecting Steven. I don’t think it’s him though. JTG would be more stealthly, surely xD Ooooh, maybe she was stalking Snow at the time and noticed Steven take out his phone and text her at that exact moment to mess with her.

This is kind of silly, but here’s my crack theory: I’ve noticed that a lot of people in this story seem to have green eyes. Sara (and her mum), Jackson, Clara… and possibly others that I’ve forgotten xD Plus Nikki has hazel, which sort of counts. I noticed that a while ago but this chapter made me realise it again since Emilia also had green eyes. I hope I don’t sound horribly racist when I say this but I don’t know any black people with green eyes. Even if she’s mixed race it seems more likely that she’d have brown or something since darker colours are dominant. Green isn’t that common of an eye colour too, at least not compared to brown and blue. I wonder if there’s some reason for the green-eyed-ness or whether it’s just a coincidence. Lol, you probably think I’m a complete idiot… xD

One thing I thought was strange that Snow found it odd she didn’t want to date anyone. To me that makes perfect sense – the girl she loved died a week ago, and she broke up with her boyfriend over the weekend. I don’t think anyone would want to date in that situation :P I guess it seems odd to me that she thought it was odd. Also, I might not be remembering this right, but I thought Mr Winston taught history. Am I just forgetful? xD And lol, at first I was confused why Snow was selecting her outfit for school, but then I remembered that most American schools don’t have uniforms, while here everyone does. At least, that's the impression I get from TV :P

Thanks for commenting! Haha, when I saw your comment I thought, who is that??? Why did some random person comment on my story??? That never happens!!! Did you change your name recently or am I just unobservant? xD And lol, 256 seems to be everyone’s favourite character. I find it funny because I was worried people would dislike him at first, since he kidnaps Carey and stuff. 

Anyway, 256’s book is magical. It can’t ever get wet, and it teleports back into his bag when he’s not using it. Duh. I thought that was obvious xD Thanks for pointing out all my many mistakes. I’ll fix them. And sorry for confusing you. Carey is avoiding telling 256 about 440 because she’s afraid of what he’ll think. That’s why she ran away from him, and why he still doesn’t know about it.

I do have a few questions: Do you think I show Carey’s perspective enough? Someone said they thought I didn’t O.o Do you think her development is okay, or is she overshadowed by the other two? Also, do you think I’m descriptive enough? I did try to be more descriptive in this chapter, but I’m not sure if I did a good job. When I read over it, I thought it wasn’t very good. Sorry for asking lots of things O.o

I’m really glad Janelle’s emotional state seems realistic. I must say, I was worried what people would think about that. I can’t say I’ve ever been in her position so I was rather nervous about it, especially in this chapter but really in all the chapters since Reagan died.

Lol, Thomas has sort of become the voice of reason :P It’s not really a role I ever intended him to have, but no one else is there with Janelle at the moment and he has the personality for it, so… xD Anyway, even if Caleb turns out to have good intentions and everything he’s told them is the truth, Janelle doesn’t know that. For all she knows he could be a complete tool, or perhaps he’s the Gifted spy himself :P So yeah, even if choosing Caleb turns out to be a good idea Janelle definitely didn’t think it through, and that’s what Thomas is trying to tell her.

Lol, I never considered it either, until on Fictionpress someone wrote after Reagan died that they thought Janelle would be pregnant. So I figured I should clear things up, and this chapter was the first where it really fit in. That same person said after this chapter that they were disappointed she didn’t get pregnant xD I suppose it would have been interesting, but rather unrealistic and cliché in my opinion since they only spent one night together and he died the next day. One accidental pregnancy is enough for Janelle, thank you :P Besides, I can’t afford to have her out of the action for a decent portion of the story xD

I didn’t think the beginning was that sudden. I liked how it was a “quiet” scene after the action of the last chapter, and I don’t think it came out of nowhere. I guess if you’re worried about it you could have a short bit explaining how they escaped, but personally I don’t think it’s necessary. I liked it the way it was, with Wendy reflecting on her remorse and wondering if it was her fault the humans had gotten killed because she didn’t like them. That seemed like a realistic thought to me. I did feel like you could draw a little individual attention to her parents, though. I mean, she saw her mother die in front of her, and who knows what happened to her dad, but she didn’t seem to care that much. Personally I’d be upset if one/both of my parents were killed like that, even if I hated humans :P I know she’s probably in shock and wants to be all stoic about it like she thinks Kozel is about losing his family to humans, but I don’t know. I would’ve liked to see them at least mentioned.

Kozel’s thoughts and struggle to maintain the bloodthirsty side of him really made me sad :( It reminded me a little of Finding Nemo, when Dory accidentally gets a blood nose and Bruce smells it and suddenly wants to eat her and Marlin even though he vowed never to eat fish. Anyway, I don’t think Kozel would ever think of killing Wendy or want to, but I’m worried something might happen that will make him lose control and then he’ll hurt her. I do hope he manages to keep himself under control though. I don’t think Wendy would suddenly start hating him or think monsters are evil if he lost control but I’m sure her opinion of them would change a little. And it would be horrible for Kozel too, knowing he had hurt her and he couldn’t control it :/

Speaking of Kozel, I liked the details you had, such as him thinking humans were weird for taking baths since they’re going to get dirty anyway, and the detailedness of all the survival skills he had.

The ending was also very intriguing. I wonder who this dude is, and how he knows Wendy. Or maybe he’s just heard of her, but then he called her a friend. I’m really not sure who he could be. Maybe he knows something about those dudes that killed everyone. Anyway, at the moment I believe he’s a good guy cos he has a dog, and I love dogs. I have to give him the benefit of the doubt because of that :P

“He let out a yelp as he did a belly flap” I’m not sure if this is a cultural thing or not but I’ve always thought the phrase was belly flop :P
 

The space battles in this chapter were so detailed and exciting. I honestly don’t know how you come up with this stuff :P I could never do it in a million years. I really need to watch and read more sci fi xD Anyway, the battles were really tense and cool.

I wonder how many people were on the Achilles :( And the other ship, although it wasn’t completely destroyed (I hope).  I feel so sorry for them, and for the people on the Freedom’s Progress. To me it just seems like they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Still, the destroying of all those ships really showed how ruthless the Na-Vaxii are, especially when they destroyed the Freedom’s Progress since it’s not even a military vessel and was destroyed to lure the Endeavour in :( Although, the conspiracy theorist in me is wondering if there’s some other reason they destroyed it, like maybe there was some dangerous weapon hidden on board or something. I’m probably completely wrong lol but I can’t help being suspicious.

Anyway, one thing I thought, if the Na’Vaxii ships are disadvantaged by having most of their weapons at the bow and the humans were using this to their advantage, why don’t they redesign them? Unless they have, and have redesigned their ships, but the ones used in this chapter were older ships or something? I don’t know. Just something I thought xD
 

Thanks so much for the comment! I think awful is putting it kindly :P I would have said Sam’s being something much worse, to be honest xD No matter what’s going on with her, there really isn’t an excuse to treat her friends that way, especially since they’ve done nothing wrong. And I’m glad you laughed at her missing when she threw her knife xD Heheh, Even if she managed to land the knife pointy-end in she really needs to work on her aim, since the back of someone’s skull really isn’t the most logical place to throw a knife :P

I’m glad both of the kids deaths’ were emotional. The main purpose of this chapter was to show how the rebellion is actually affecting the island, since the main characters have, until now, been shut up in their hideout and really have no idea what’s going on in their country. And to show that both the nonGifted and the Gifted will suffer if a full-scale war breaks out.

I’m glad you like the family stuff too, I’m happy you said that so it’s not random :) I love writing about close platonic relationships, both familial or friendly, so familial bonds always seem to come up as strong motivators for my characters xD

Sorry for taking such a long time to read this chapter O.o This week has been rather crazy. Anyway, I really liked your action scenes in this chapter. I felt they were more detailed and nerve-wracking than the previous ones, so good job. I also liked the tension you created with that guy being so unhelpful showing Kozel where the doctor’s house was. The whole time I was reading that part I felt like screaming at him to hurry up and stop complaining. I quite agreed with Kozel when he felt like punching him in the face xD Anyway, I thought that was really well written. I liked the realism of it too, especially how Kozel didn’t really seem to understand what a map was.

This is really picky of me, but my inner biology nerd has a problem with this sentence: “The chemical stung as it got on Kozel's fur”. I wouldn’t think that Kozel’s fur would be able to sting :P I think saying skin instead of fur would be better, since it would be the chemical seeping through to his skin that would cause it. But overall I still don’t see any problems with repetition.

One thing that I thought you could do is find another word for chemical. You don’t repeat it too often, it’s just for me it seems a little awkward to use, since chemical is a very broad term. Personally I would call it a tranquiliser or something like that (at least, that’s what it reminds me of, although it’s not exactly a tranquiliser).

“(He had no idea how he was able to read, but he could.)” I thought the brackets here were a bit unnecessary. I think it would be fine to just have that sentence there without the brackets.

Also, I was confused at the end as to why Kozel could control his transformation. Why could he keep his human mind then, but not before? Was it because of the chemical? I didn’t quite get that part. Sorry for being stupid xD Still, that part was interesting, and I felt sorry for Kozel when he saw what his monster self looked like. Poor guy. And he wishes he were human. I find that interesting, since Wendy said she doesn’t like humans and doesn’t seem to want to be associated with them and what they do (although, I’m not sure if she’d actually want to be a monster).

I wonder what those green arrow thingys are. I guess they probably have something to do with the mysterious cult mentioned in the summary. Still, that was definitely a surprise. Poor Joan. And Warren, if he was the hunter who got hit by the arrow. I thought it might be him, but I wasn’t sure since Kozel was just calling them all hunters. At the moment I think the arrow people are a group of humans who worship monsters or something, since they didn’t shoot Kozel. But then they might have just not gotten the opportunity to shoot Kozel, so it’s probably too early to say that yet.

Anyway, as always feel free to ask questions. I just have this feeling I missed something :P

I must admit when Snow said they were on a break the first thing I thought of was Friends :P I hope their relationship isn’t like Ross and Rachel’s, I get incredibly frustrated with all that back and forth stuff xD But I doubt it will be, and I think it’s a good idea for them. I’m really not sure what to expect. I could see them going either way, either breaking up for good or getting back together in the long run, so I’m curious to see what happens in the future. Although, I’m sure when Emilia gets introduced things will just get even more complicated xD I really hope that’s soon, I’m so curious :3

I was kind of confused when Clara said she wasn’t close to Sara, but then she said she loved her in the next sentence. I mean, personally I wouldn’t say I loved all my friends, only the ones I’m close to, so it seemed a bit weird to me. But I’m probably just an unsentimental person xD

Oh Clara, I knew it wouldn’t be that easy :/ JTG’s not going to give up that easily, you should know that. Still, it’s scary. I hope Noel gets to keep her job. Hopefully she will, since it’ll be hard for JTG to actually back up the sexual harassment claim without revealing who she is. But then who knows what tricks JTG has up her sleeve? Anyway, this definitely raises the stakes. She’s not afraid to fight dirty, that’s for sure. Putting that note on Clara’s bedside table was really creepy O.o I wonder how she got in… Anyway, overall this was a very interesting chapter. I’m really anxious to see what happens next.

Ooohhh that makes more sense. For some reason I thought the mayor was referring to trying to talk to Kozel to get info and prevent a war instead of torturing him to do it. I don’t really know why I thought that xD Anyway, there’s no need to apologize for typos, I make plenty of them too after all :P They’re not distracting. I think it’s hard for a person really notice the typos in their own stuff anyway. Or at least, I always struggle xD

Fine, I hope she WILL be okay :P Eventually.

This was a great chapter. I like how determined Wendy is xD It was also interesting when she thought: “I think I'm the only one who wants to avoid conflict” right after the mayor said he wanted to prevent a war between monsters and humans. It shows that Wendy is kind of determined to see the humans in a bad light since she ignores the mayor when he says he’s trying to prevent a war, not start one, choosing to believe she’s the only one with her ideals. Although, I suppose he still said Carac could take extreme measures if Wendy failed. I guess even if he’s not as monster-hating as the rest of them he still has that prejudice.

“wondering where she was when they had been fighting in the war” I thought this was worded weirdly. Personally I would write “wondering where she had been when they fought in the war”

"Yes, they're real. They were able to keep one in human form” When I read this sentence I was confused, because at first ‘they’ referred to monsters so I thought it meant the monsters were able to keep one in human form xD

“But first I have to think of a way to get in there, and get out him”

“I don't know anything about monster”

“The town already had enough problems” I think this should be has instead of had :)

"Unfortunately I can't refuse your offer.” This part confused me. Why can’t Warren refuse Wendy’s offer? Is it just because they’re desperate? If that’s so, I still find it a bit strange he would agree so quickly, or believe Wendy when she says she can talk to animals. I mean, reading body language is different from talking xD Plus Wendy doesn’t have any experience with monsters and their body language could be different. Anyway, I felt like he accepted her offer to help a bit too easily. Or maybe it’s part of the satire and I’m missing it again xD

Anyway, so far this story still doesn’t seem cliché to me :) I mean, I never even thought of it being like Beauty and the Beast and stories like that before you mentioned it (and it’s definitely not like Twilight, thankfully xD). I guess they do have similarities, seeing as there’s a monster/human relationship, but that’s only one aspect of the story and so far the rest seems original to me :)

I loved Kozel’s part at the end. His reaction to seeing Wendy for the first time was hilarious. Especially when he referred to her as a “young maiden” :P The rest of his part was also well written. It was very tense and heartbreaking. I feel so sorry for Kozel, especially since he knows he could hurt Wendy even though he doesn’t want to. And now she’s been hit with that tranquilizer or whatever it is and they said some of the chemicals are lethal for humans… O.o I hope she’s okay.

Snow's thoughts at the beginning about JTG were very intriguing. I must say, I hadn’t considered she could be more than one person. It’s a possibility, and could make sense if the three separate letters referred to their names, but at the moment I’m more inclined to believe it’s only one person, at least until there’s more evidence xD

I was right about Nikki! Well, sort of ;) I thought something like her having a baby was one of the only options. But I would never have guessed she’d had an abortion though, so that was a good surprise. I felt so bad for her :( I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for her to do that when she obviously didn’t want to.

Anyway, I can’t say I agree with Snow when she says Nikki’s parents would never disown her. I suppose it’s difficult for her to see, since her parents are totally loving and would never even think of disowning her, but I think in reality some parents would definitely do it if the situation arose. I don’t know much about Nikki’s parents, but if she says they would disown her I’ll believe it’s a possibility. Poor girl :( I hope I’m wrong.

The ending scene was pretty depressing as well. I did expect Jackson and Snow to break up – I didn’t really think they’d be able to get past just Snow cheating, so when it turned out Jackson had cheated too that just convinced me even more :( It’s sad, but I think it’s for the best, at least for now. I think you did a really good job of portraying their haste and desire to feel alive again, especially Snow. I wanna give her a hug :( I’m not sure if sleeping together will be good in the long run for them, though. It might make things super awkward for them when they have to work together to find JTG (well, if I were them I’d feel super awkward, but they’re not me xD).

On a side note, I hope we find out more about Emilia and the strange men staring at Snow soon xD I just remembered about those and I’m really curious :3

Thanks for the comment! Lol, Up xD To be honest when I wrote this I more had the dreams theme from Tangled in mind (how girly of me :P). But, the plot is definitely not going to be like either of those movies :P

Thanks for pointing out those typos and the stuff about the POV change. I’ll try to make the fact it’s a dream clearer.

Yes, Nate has definitely changed a lot since he met Lauren. He’s at a completely different time of his life – back then he was single, just out of university, and now he’s married with kids and responsibilities. And Lauren’s death changed him a lot too, for obvious reasons. Anyway, I’m glad that seemed to get through.

Thanks for the comment! Lol, I honestly haven’t thought about that xD I wouldn’t think they’d be able to see it. They might feel its presence or something, but they wouldn’t know what it was.

Yeah, Nate’s definitely a lot different here :P Not just because of Lauren’s death and the creature, but because he’s in a different stage of life – in this chapter he’s fresh out of university and being hit on by a girl he thinks is way out of his league. But, by the main story he’s married to her with kids, so I guess he’s more mature overall and more confident of Lauren’s feelings for him.

Anyway, this probably won’t end up being the last time Lauren appears. I don’t plan ahead much for this story but there’s things I’d like to write about that I feel are best if seen in this way, as flashbacks, so there will probably be more. And it makes sense in the story since the creature likes to poke around memories, so hopefully they won't seem random :P

Thanks for the comment! Lol, Janipoo xD If you were Australian you would have said Jazza :P You don’t like Caleb much, do you? ;) Anyway, he’s not going to pretend that Janelle giving up her rebels for him isn’t the better option for his group, since it increases his numbers and stuff and gives him more control over what happens.

Lol, well I didn’t really think about hygiene when I wrote it so girls are just as filthy as boys xD I’d imagine that they wouldn’t have as high hygiene standards as today, plus they don’t have access to a reliable source of water so it would be wasteful for Maui use some for that. Still, I should definitely make him wipe them or something. Thanks for pointing out my mistakes and repetition and stuff. And for suggesting that thing at the beginning. I always struggle to think of opening lines and stuff xD

As for more fighting, eh… I’m really not sure xD I have one of the major plotlines mapped out quite clearly in my head, but the other is much more vague at the moment so I can’t say for sure. There might be a bit of action in the next chapter, actually, now I think about it. But it wouldn’t be a huge scene. But, there will be more politics and some sneaking around and things in the near future. That’s not exactly action, but it will be a change from the drama, in a sense :/ I hope that’s okay.

As for questions, sorry if this is really weird, but what do you think are the main themes of the story? I'm just curious if people are thinking the same things I am when they read it as I am when I write it :P

I really liked the description of Kozel’s transformations. They were both really easy to picture and the first one especially was intense. And he’s a goat (sort of)! I love goats. I liked the details you had, like how his t-shirt ripped in the first transformation but he didn’t magically get it back when he changed into his human form, cos that would be weird.

I also liked your action scenes. I’m no expert and this is really hypocritical of me, but sometimes I felt like they lacked a bit of extra detail. Particularly when Kozel was slaughtering human after human – did they make some sort of noise when they died? Did they scream, yell, etc? What were did their faces look like when Kozel killed them (like, did they look surprised, terrified, etc…). As for Kozel, I felt you could describe the injuries he received more. Did the cuts bleed, and if so how much? I don’t know, these are just ideas, I just felt if you included a bit more detail it would make those scenes more exciting and intense.

 “picked up his prey's sword and swinging it in an arc” I think this should either be “picked up his prey’s sword and swung it in an arc” or “picked up his prey’s sword and began swinging it in an arc”

"Ha ha ha! You think you can beat me?" I kind of felt the “ha ha ha” distracted a little from the tension of the scene. I think it would be better to write “Ha! You think you can beat me” or just write that Kozel was laughing before :P

“the other hunters hacked at his body of smashed the pommels of their swords against his head”

“The dart had fallen off, and he didn't know how long the injection that kept him in his human form would last. He looked up, confused.” This part confused me, because when you described the dart in the first sentence it seemed like Kozel did know what was happening, but then in the next sentence he was confused as he looked up.

Anyway, about the things you were worried about. So far, I don’t think the plot is cliché or slow, although it is only the second chapter so it’s probably a little early to judge xD I didn’t notice any major repetition, but there were a couple of things:

“He hoped they hadn't really noticed the entrance to his cave” since the previous sentence mentions that they were standing outside a cave, it seems a bit repetitive to say “to his cave” at the end, since we can already infer that :)

Secondly, and this isn’t really a bad instance of repetition I just found it awkward, you repeated “not wanting” a couple of times and I thought it seemed a bit jarring. Personally I’d find another way of saying it.

Anyway, onto the characters. I guess I can’t say much about their development either at the moment since there hasn’t been much time for them to change and stuff, but so far I find them interesting and well rounded. I especially like Kozel. I felt really sorry for him when he transformed back into his human form, knowing he had killed all those people even though he never wanted to. I think you described his emotions well. To me he seems very lonely and has a defeated kind of attitude to him (even before he was defeated by the humans).

I think Wendy is well-rounded too. She reminds me of those animal rights activists in real life who insists that all the industries using animals should be shut down overnight, but they don’t really seem to consider the effect that would have on the economy and society as a whole, as well as having a poor understanding of how those industries actually treat the animals. I guess because of that, I find her to be a very human character because she definitely reminds me of a number of people I know xD And she is trying to find out about monsters, so I guess she probably won't remain ignorant for much longer. I’m really curious what will happen when she meets Kozel, and how she’ll react if he changes into his goat form.

The Arcturus device is making me nervous. They keep saying how important it is for the war, but… In stories things that important often end up failing badly xD I’m really worried for the safety of the ship and everyone on it. At the very least I think they’ll get stranded somewhere O.o

I wonder how Abby knows that ship. I guess she must have had relatives or something, to react that way. And because she and Scarlett had similar eyes… Hmmm, it’s very intriguing. I wonder how they’re related. My first thought was that Abby was actually her mother or something, but now I realise I can’t remember exactly how old Abby is so I’m not sure if that’s possible xD So I guess she could be her cousin, older sister, aunt, or maybe just a distant relative of some kind. Or maybe it’s something else entirely :P

Anyway, poor Scarlett… I felt so sorry for her, especially when she called Jake Dad… That brought a tear to my eye :’( The next chapter’s going to heartbreaking, that’s for sure. I hope she’s strong enough to deal with everything that’s happened to her. I know I wouldn’t be. But I liked seeing Jake get some action at last, in the rescue mission. He hasn’t done much yet aside from embarrass himself in front of Abby on multiple occasions xD

Thanks for the comment! Well, I see it more as Hahana and Maui withheld information rather than directly lying xD I enjoyed writing that part though and including more about Maui’s family, since there hasn’t been that much about him so far. But let’s just say there’s a reason why Maui introduced himself as Maui to Carey and Samantha, instead of saying Maui Aroha even though most people would introduce themselves with both their first and last name in that situation.

I’m glad 440 is sympathetic, even though he’s not the nicest guy ever :P I’ve always thought that it was what society (or more accurately, the Gifted) that made him what he is in the end. So, even though as 256 said he did have tendencies for violence, he was overall a good person before being punished. I watch too much Criminal Minds, that’s my problem xD Half the serial killers/rapists on that show have sympathetic backstories and it’s rubbed off on me :P As for when 256 finds out, well… Carey’s essentially digging a hole for herself here, because even if 256 understands that she killed him out of mercy, as of this chapter Carey definitively knows how important 440 was to him, and she’s deliberately not mentioning that he’s dead. As for Sam and Hahana laughing, they’re not up to anything sinister :P Hahana’s just good at getting straight-laced people to laugh xD

Heheh, it’s funny you mention President Coin. Originally Caleb was a woman, but then I realised people might assume he was going to end up like President Coin so I changed his gender to make him a bit more distinct xD But, then I was faced with a dilemma because all of the authority figures (The Leader, Marvin, 805 and Caleb) were men. I’m attached to 805 and Marvin as men (plus I can’t really change 805’s gender without doing some serious rewriting xD) so I decided to make the Leader a woman instead since she hasn’t appeared nearly as much. But yeah, they’ve all definitely lost their way a bit, especially Janelle. And she definitely should have discussed it with someone, namely Sam, since it’s not like it’s just her decision to make. And giving control to Caleb is a pretty terrible idea. After all, even if he has completely good intentions, Janelle barely knows him at this point, so she's taking a huge risk :/

Hmmm… Well, if that’s the case, perhaps you could just change the wording of that line a little. It’s just, saying “No! It’s the humans, they’re after me!” seems a little comical to me (although, it might just be me cos I’m a bit weird :P). Even if you wrote something like ‘Kozel gasped. “Humans…”’ That seems more realistic and suspenseful, but it still gives the identity of his attackers and shows that he’s likely not a human himself :P That’s my suggestion, anyway, I’m not sure if it’s a good one >.<

Well, I was confused about Wendy being a human/monster, especially when she said she hated humans. I was still kind of leaning toward her being a human (because the human on the cover looks like a woman :P)  but I only became convinced when the hunters started talking about monsters and stuff I figured if she were a monster they’d be attacking her xD With Kozel I kind of assumed he was a monster since Wendy seemed to be a human, but I was unsure until the ending.

 I hope that answered your question, I’m not sure if it did.

Overall, I thought this was a good first chapter. I think you did a good job of showing both sides of the story when it comes to animals/monsters, especially in Wendy’s part at the beginning. I think they both had good points about killing the flying fish. Even though it’s sad they have to die they are a pest and can provide food, so I can understand the hunter’s side. Anyway, I think Wendy is an interesting character so far. I kind of agree with that hunter guy, to me she seems kind of ignorant, although I’m sure her heart is in the right place. Kozel seems interesting too, although I haven’t got that much of an idea of his character yet. I’m curious to see what will happen.

I felt that the last line kind of dampened the suspense of the ending. I don’t know, it doesn’t seem like something someone would actually say when faced with a threat and it’s already pretty obvious it’s going to be humans after him. I think it would be more suspenseful to leave it out.

“and they would be expecting more of her.” I think this would sound better as “and they were expecting more of her” or something like that.

 “patted the gunne” “about to use the gunne” I noticed you used this spelling twice, is that deliberate? I can’t tell if it is or if it’s a typo xD

“He got better,” I think it would be better if you found a different way to say that he healed from his injuries :P This one sounds a bit odd to me.

"What do I do, damnit”

By the way, I really like the cover. It looks so cool! Sorry this comment is really short. It's pretty late and my tired brain can't think of anything else to say, so feel free to bombard me with questions if you want xD

Aww, I think the quality is good. Still, I admire you for learning different languages. I’m horrible at them xD Anyway, I look forward to reading the next chapter if you decide to post it in the future. I should get to Giving Grace tonight :)

Thanks so much for reading! Haha, I hope you continue to enjoy the story :)

Bob, huh? I think he’s a Nigel, personally :P Anyway, whether Bogel is a real creature or just a part of Nate’s psychosis is supposed to be ambiguous, at least for the moment xD Thanks for pointing out those mistakes.

Heheh, 200 dollars is still overly generous xD I’ve never really done any babysitting, but my friends who have were paid 50 dollars at most. Still, Nate feels the need to pay more for a couple of reasons: Firstly, Elaine isn’t a teenager, secondly Connor’s only a very young baby and therefore needs more care, and lastly because he kind of knows she won't accept it (even if he only offered her 20 bucks) but wants to express his gratitude.

I honestly don’t know how much high school teachers earn xD I don’t think they’re paid that badly, though it wouldn’t be a great amount. But, I’d imagine his parents and probably Lauren’s are helping him keep up with payments and stuff, since it’s their grandkids he’s looking after.

Yes, Lauren and Nate fought over their bedding and that’s why Nigel/Nate killed her :P He was so enraged that she’d chosen the colour purple that he lost his temper and let Nigel take over, you see. I guess he and I would never get along xD Purple’s the best colour, just sayin’.

Aaaaannnd the mystery of Gakk continues ;) I wonder if he really is a wizard, like Kalae thought at the end. That would mean he probably was the dude in the last chapter, which seemed pretty likely anyway as he said his name starts with G. Since he had a deep voice then I think Gakk is really an older wizard/technological expert disguised as a kid :P Or he could just have a deep voice, or was using a voice disguiser thingy (it’s a technical term). Anyway, I wonder what his motives are. He saved Joy from her dad, so I guess he can’t be all bad, even though he’s kind of creepy sometimes.

Speaking of Joy’s dad, I still felt like his dialogue was a little cliché and lacked emotion. Perhaps if you added a bit more emotion behind his voice (in the dialogue starting with “He has a point”) by using another dialogue tag or described what he was doing when he spoke, it might make him seem a little scarier, if that’s what you’re going for. Still, it was strange how suddenly they disappeared. My theory is that Gakk teleported him away so he couldn’t hurt Joy, rather than it not happening at all like Joy thought.

The part where Gakk appeared before Alan was intriguing too. Maybe he somehow sent Alan to whatever island he landed on. Speaking of, I wonder where that island is, and what the culture there will be like. Perhaps it will be a really patriarchal society, or alternatively one where men and women are equal. I wonder what Alan will think of that, especially if it’s patriarchal.

When Alan said “If Joy and Kalae find out that I have depression” I think it would sound more natural as “If Joy and Kalae find out that I’m depressed”

“I took out my knife just in case. In case he came back, or someone else had the same idea.” I thought the repetition of in case sounded odd. I’m not sure if it was deliberate, but it seemed awkward to me.

“sort of appears at  certain occassions.”

“I’m thinking that he may be a ghost.” At the start of this part of dialogue I was confused about who was talking :P Also, why does Kalae (I think) only suggest that Gakk was Joy’s cousin or brother? If he was a ghost, couldn’t he be her friend, or just anyone she’d lost?

“I didn’t really want to thnik”

“there were more intermediate problems”

So, Brad is Mary’s cousin. Yep, I definitely wasn’t expecting that :P It makes sense though. I wonder what he wanted from the jewellery store though. I really have no idea what it could be xD Still, I feel really sorry for Mary. I don’t think Ariana would have cared at all if she lost them (especially since Mary feels so bad about it) but I’d imagine she probably would care if she found out about her stealing new ones.

Sorry Clara, I don’t think blocking JTG’s number is going to work at all. At best she’ll just get a new number, at worst, she’ll get angry and then who knows what she’ll do :/ I don’t think JTG is Sara’s killer. I think they might be working together, but I doubt they’re the same person. I wonder, though, if Sara did a get any messages before she died. I think that could definitely be a possibility.

And Cooper! Aaahh, that part of the chapter was probably my favourite. I’ve missed him <3 I hope he shows up a lot in the future. I felt really sorry for Ariana in this chapter but I think having Cooper back occasionally will definitely help her. Especially since I don’t think she’ll ever really get to talk through her own feelings on her impending death with Kayla or Snow, so having another person there to vent to will be helpful. Especially since Cooper knows what it’s like to die, although his death was far more sudden and unexpected than Ariana’s will be.

I found it kind of sad when Cooper said that Alana never dates anyone. I know they’re going to meet gain in the afterlife or whatevs, but that still depresses me a bit :( I don’t know, I’ve always felt that it’s important to move on after loss, even if it takes a long time. Sorry for rambling.

There was one thing I found a bit odd. If Brad is Mary’s dad’s brother’s son, why don’t they have the same last name? I can’t quite remember Mary’s last name, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Reynolds. Unless Brad (or Mary, but Brad’s more likely) took his mother’s name?

Thanks for the comment! I should get to your stories soon :)

Well, I meant that he literally has a long face as opposed to a short, round one, but I should probably find a different way to say that because of the usual expression of someone having a long face :P As for Frances driving his car, I figured she stayed over at his house or something the night before and then insisted she drive because of Nate's emotional state. But I’ll add that in. Thanks for pointing those out, and the other errors as well.

I’m glad the style okay. I wrote it that way mostly because I was bored and stuck on my other stories at the time so I thought I’d try something completely different xD I decided to challenge myself so that's why I wrote it from an older, male POV. It's fun to make things hard for myself :P

As for Brandon, one of your guesses is sort-of similar to what his deal really is, but still quite different :P Anyway, it won’t be long before you find out who Lauren’s killer is.

Thanks so much for the comment! Sorry, I like those names so they're staying ;) Thanks for the advice, that part has troubled me a bit so I'm happy to hear your opinion. And no worries about taking a while, I've been away all week without internet access anyway. I'll definitely be getting back to your story soon! :)

Awww, I feel so stupid now xD Sorry, I’m really not very good at picking up satire or anything like that :P For example, I’m always that idiot who takes those fake newspaper articles people write seriously. It’s really embarrassing :P

Hmmm, it’s hard to say how I would write it. I guess I’d probably write in a subtler way, so some people would understand the point I was trying to get across, but not so dramatic that people would think the characters were acting strangely. That way you could avoid the idiots like me who take everything seriously complaining about out-of-characterness :P Or I might draw more attention to the fact they were tired and stuff, since I’ll admit I didn’t really pay much attention to that detail when I read it. But, I suppose it depends on how obvious you want it to be. Sorry if that’s not very helpful. As I said I tend to take things seriously all the time, so I’m not sure if I’m the best person to ask.

As for The Killer, I don’t really mind. I’d like to hear your thoughts on it, but if you think it’s not your thing then don’t force yourself. But if you do decide to read it, don’t be offended if I don’t reply for ages xD I’m going away tomorrow and I’m not sure how much internet access I’ll have while I’m there. I saw you have a new story too, would you like me to comment on it? Although, again I probably won't have time to read it until I get back, unless the internet access is better than I'm predicting :P

I must say, I’m offended. I’m so offended I might just stop reading this story. You see, my name also starts with a G. I’m offended by your portrayal of us as travelling wizards who may or may not be young boys named Gakk. This discrimination must stop now!

…

Yeah, I’m not very good at making jokes :P

Anyway, the mysterious wizard interests me. As I said maybe he’s Gakk, since he said his name starts with a G. Plus it said he was “small and slight” so maybe that means he’s a kid. Although, I wouldn’t think that Gakk would have that deep a voice if he was only around twelve xD I don’t know, maybe he went through puberty early or something. Plus, him being magical would explain how he randomly appearing in the library and stuff. I wonder how he got magic. I still think the storimhaib is a technology thing of some kind (or a myth) so I wonder if that dude/maybe Gakk used technology or if it was actually magic.

Whoever he was, I think he was possessing Alan or something. He was acting really weird, when he was mocking Joy and insulting God and stuff. And then after he seemed back to normal for a bit, before she ran off. Or maybe he was just in a bad mood, and that’s why he was being so mean all of a sudden :P

I thought it was a bit extreme of Joy to think that Alan was possibly trying to rape her, though. He was being mean but it’s not like he was acting sleazy or doing something to indicate that he wanted to take advantage of her in that way. But, if her father and brother abused her I guess she might be more inclined to jump to that conclusion (although, I don’t know how they abused her). Still, I thought her dad was dead or something, so that revelation was surprising. The ending where she got captured was pretty scary, but I found her dad’s words: "Finally, I've found you. You're all mine now, honey" a little cliché. I’m not really sure why, I just didn’t feel as frightened for her as I could have been because of that. I found him scarier in the first chapter in the warehouse.

I enjoyed the Queen’s POV as well. She’s very narcissistic, isn’t she? :P I was surprised her favourite captain was a man, since she seems to hate men so much. Maybe he’s her husband/boyfriend as well. Kalae had to come from somewhere, after all xD

I was surprised the psychologist person was a woman. I had just assumed they were a man (is that sexist of me? :P). Still, that part was interesting. Maybe it was a social experiment, since it seems mean to leave her as the only woman on the boat. I know I’d hate to be in that position xD Although I suppose it turned out there were islands, but it could still be an experiment.

“the Book of Quatix in my hands.” I’m not sure if this was supposed to be in all italics or not :P

“And if he was't,”

“When it dissipated a couple seconds”

“a good leader always has to play bad cop.” I’m not sure if this is just me, because I’m not that familiar with this expression, but I felt like this should be “a good leader always has to play the bad cop”

Thanks for the comment! Haha, originally I didn’t include the stuff about his son’s age in this chapter, but when I was reading it over I thought: “People are just gonna think 256 is his kid, aren’t they?” xD I didn’t want it to look like I was unoriginal and using the same plot twice so I decided to just make it obvious he wasn’t Caleb’s son from the start. Caleb’s son is a random Gifted who has never been introduced, just like 256’s parents are random people. Although, none of them may ever appear in the story (or maybe they will :3) so it might not matter. Anyway, I’m glad that Caleb and his rebels are thought-provoking. They’re supposed to be morally ambiguous, like the Gifted themselves :3 As for Caleb’s mirror being turned around, it’s just because he doesn’t like being reminded about his scars and how he got them. He’s not a vampire or something :P

I’m glad Thomas’s story was emotional. Most of the details he spoke of came from some of my many side stories, so it was fun to include them (although sad :P). Anyway, about Carey’s powers, I’ll give you a hint – there’s a few details that I deliberately left out, back when I wrote chapter fifteen, and it makes it a lot harder to guess what Carey’s deal is without them. I’m not sure whether that’ll be helpful or not xD

Lol, Sam does need to get her priorities together. Although, Hahana pretty much just invited herself and Maui along on this mission, so she didn’t have much choice but to let them come xD But yeah, everyone they run into would never have seen a black person before, so regardless of whether they’re wearing armour or not they’re going to get noticed.

The beginning part was interesting. I liked learning more about their mission. Lol, I think I’m getting used to the sci-fi because I felt like I was remembering more of the stuff than before xD

And Scarlett, gosh… Ack, I can’t imagine what that must have felt like. Anyway, her whole escape from the ship and stuff was great, really captivating. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time, and rather terrified xD I don’t know why, I just found it really scary. I don’t usually feel that way when I read things, so you must have done a good job. I like how you showed the normal, everyday dramas of her life first – her brother beig the golden child, her dream to be a navigator, gossip from her best friend… It made the rest of the sequence that much more heart-breaking. I feel really sorry for her :( Her home and everyone she knows is dead and destroyed… Still, I think she’ll be strong enough to survive. She did show a lot of strength of spirit in escaping, like when she didn’t commit suicide. Anyway, so far I like her character. I hope Abby’s ship will find her. Even if Abby said no detours at the start, I’m sure that’s what’s going to happen :P

Anyway, this was something I noticed: “A second later the dome cracked, a massive section of the dome boiled away. Chunks of the dome, some multiple kilometers long,” Here you repeated the word dome a lot :P

Thanks for the comment! Lol, my inner gender equalitist nature is trying very hard to resist ranting xD Anyway, thanks for pointing out those typos and awkward wordings.

Your comments don’t sound stupid xD They didn’t decide to wear their armour just to make Samantha smile, they wore it cos they wanted to :P Hahana just used the situation to her advantage. In reality it doesn’t really matter that the uniform will attract unwanted attention. To be frank they’re going to attract attention anyway even if they don't wear it, since they’re black (or in Hahana’s case, half black half white) and pretty much nobody on the island has ever seen a black person before. I never really thought about Carey being hesitant. You’re right, she would be. As for why they left at night, I forgot to write about this so I’ll add it in but it’s because they (meaning Sam :P) don’t really trust the other rebel group much yet and they don’t want them to know what their group is up to until they’re sure they can trust them.

256 is lucky that Carey is both an uncommon name and a unisex name. And lol, I added that part about his son’s age precisely because it looked like 256 was going to turn out to be his actual son xD I didn’t want people to think I was being unoriginal and using a similar plot point twice, so I decided to make it obvious he wasn’t :P But, if 256 had been like: "Caleb, I am your son!" he wouldn’t have killed him. There’s a difference between what Caleb says and thinks he feels and what he actually feels deep down. Regardless of what he thinks about the Gifted, his son is still his son and he probably would find it very difficult to kill him if they ever came face to face. Sorry if that doesn't make any sense, btw xD And he is pretty confident overall, he just doesn’t like being reminded of his own mutilation and the memories of when it happened.

Lol, the title… Now I’ve got Miss Atomic Bomb by The Killers stuck in my head. I don’t mind, because it’s my favourite song ever :3 I don’t know if that’s what it was a reference to, but that line is in that song so that’s what I’m thinking of.

It’s interesting that Sara appeared before Clara too. It makes me wonder who else she visited that night. Anyway, the whole funeral was very heart-wrenching. I’ve never been to one, so I don’t know if it was realistic, but it seemed like it was to me. I felt really bad for Snow, but I hope that it will help her to begin to move on now that Sara’s been buried. The scene with them looking at her dead body creeped me out a little though O.o Not that you should change it or anything, I just always feel that way about burials. Personally I think cremation is a better option, less creepy. Lol, sorry for rambling.

I’m curious about Nikki’s secret. At the moment, I see two options: either she had a baby, although I don’t see how that could have happened without her parents noticing xD Unless she was away for a long time, or something, which is totally possible, so it’s still a viable option. The second option is that she had a girlfriend, and her devout parents are super conservative and don’t approve. Those are my guesses, anyway xD I’m not sure what else it could be. Anyway, it was interesting to learn more about her, and about Clara’s mum. I found that part strangely heart-warming, when she said she wouldn’t trade her mum for anyone.

As for Mary, I must admit I was surprised that she stole from the store because she lost Ariana’s earrings. I was imagining something far more obscure lol, and I can’t believe I didn’t pick up on that :P. Still, I don’t think Zoe believed Mary, despite her thinking she did. I wouldn’t have, if I were her xD I’m certain she’s not out of the woods about it yet. She gave them back, which was the right thing to do, but it’s definitely not over.

Now the only one of the group who’s not with them is Steven. I don’t think he’s JTG, but I think they’ll suspect him next :3 The ending was creepy. I honestly have no idea who JTG could be at the moment. Is she (I’m just gonna call her a she for now, because as Mary said she does sound like a woman even though that could be a front) someone who’s already been introduced, or someone new? Lol, I guess I’ll just have to wait to find out :P

Sorry for taking so long!

I was surprised that Gwen found it unbelievable that the council created another world to serve as a prison :P I would have thought after all the things she’s witnessed and heard about so far nothing would surprise her anymore ;) Anyway, that part was very interesting. I wonder what sort of things are locked up in Nowhere. Nothing to pleasant, I assume :P Still, I definitely didn’t expect it to be a prison, so good job on that surprise ^^

I’m curious about why they’re so insistent on Gwen going – I mean, even if she was the one to release the artifacts she doesn’t have any powers or anything so theoretically they might be better off leaving her behind. I guess there must be some reason behind why she has to go along, like maybe she’s the only one who can find them because she released them or something like that. I felt really sorry for Forneus, as well. He’s probably my favourite character, so I do hope they can get his powers back :(

Overall there was a lot of exposition in this chapter, and the previous ones. I think you could do with spreading out some of the details about the world, or save them for later chapters. It would be more intriguing that way, plus I’d probably have an easier time remembering everything xD

Anyway, something I’ve noticed is that you never use the word “said”. I’ve always been told that with dialogue it’s better to let the words speak for themselves instead of using a whole lot of other tags. I’m not saying you shouldn’t use them at all, but there are a lot of places where you’ve used words like inquired, responded, guessed, etc, where a simple said would work just as well. Then it’s up to the readers to guess the purpose behind the dialogue, if that makes sense. It probably doesn't, because I'm horrible at explaining myself xD Anyway, just something I thought I’d point out ^^

Also, occasionally I feel like you’ve added unnecessary details, such as in this sentence:

 She shifted from one foot to the other, one of her nervous habits, one he was familiar with, though he couldn't quite remember the first time he'd seen her do it,

This just seemed very long and wordy to me. It’s a bit of a "show, don’t tell" thing – if Gwen keeps doing that the readers may realise it’s a nervous habit of hers, while here we’re just being told by Forneus that it is. Pus, considering there is dialogue on either side of this sentence it makes it very long and clunky. Another example is in this sentence: “though I wish it had been later, rather than sooner…” The “rather than sooner” bit is unnecessary because we can already infer that from when he says he wishes it had been later.

I think your writing is good, overall – your description is great and very detailed, easy to picture. I just think that sometimes it could do with being simpler, with less commas and more separate sentences. In my opinion it would flow better that way, but of course that might just be me ^^

Thanks for the comment! The Leader’s Gift has not been mentioned so far, but it would appear that she has an Air one :P

Thanks so much for the comment! There’s no need to apologize – I’m the one who hasn’t commented on your story for so long :( Sorry, I’m very forgetful >.< I should have some time over the next few days so I’ll do my best to get to it.

Anyway, so far it seems that you’re thinking about things the way I want people too, particularly about 256 :)

Lol, it surprised me the way nearly everyone who read this thought it was going to be a murder mystery :P Originally it was going to be revealed in the first chapter, but I liked the ending of him running away from Brandon so I put it in this one instead. Still, I’m glad it was a surprise, as well as Nate (sort of) being the one to kill her.

I’m glad Max and Nate’s interactions were good too :) I was worried about Max, because I’ve never really been around young children much. I did deliberately make him act a little younger than he is (being all clingy and stuff) since he’s very vulnerable at the moment. Anyway, I hope he’s realistic xD

The prologue was great. I love the description of the fire and their escape, and the emotions of all of the orphans were great. I think you did a great job with their characters, too – it’s only the prologue and I already feel like I’ve got a good idea of their personalities, especially Liam and Kayo.  

However, I felt the first chapter itself started a little slow. There was a lot of exposition, and usually I prefer it when chapters start with plot. But I understand it’s necessary and the prologue definitely captured my attention, so I don’t think it’s anything to worry about :) Plus the rest of the chapter made up for it. You did a wonderful job describing poor Rafael’s emotions as his friend killed him so brutally. And I think you did a great job with Romero’s emotions too, even though he’s obviously a bad guy the way you described it definitely added a human touch to him. I like that in villains, it’s boring if they’re just one-sided evil-doers ;) At the moment I’m guessing that Kayo will be the King’s son since he said he doesn’t remember where he came from and the summary says the prince escaped. Though I’m not sure how he ended up in an orphanage since at the end the baby’s still with his mother. I guess I’ll just have to read on and find out xD

In terms of technical issues there were a few minor things. I’ll point out the ones I noticed:

“He coughed, hard, as he squinted through the miasma” Personally I felt like the first two commas were unnecessary, I think the sentence would flow better if they were removed. But that’s just my opinion, of course :)

I’m surprised that, at twelve/thirteen and underfed, Kayo is nearly fully grown. Although it’s common for girls to have their growth spurts at that age boys don’t usually have them until they’re older, in their mid-teens, and won’t be fully grown for even longer after that. Sure, some people have them early, but if he’s malnourished it’s more likely he would have a late growth spurt rather than an early one. Sorry, I’m a bit of a science geek :P

“In a distant kingdom, above a city that gleamed by the shores of the sea, there sat a castle made of white stone with colored windows that gleamed like jewels in the light from within.” You’ve used the word gleamed twice which seems a little repetitive. Personally I’d find another way to say it the second time :)

“he lifted Romero’s sword from the mud.” I think this should be Rafael’s sword.

Also, this is just a pet hate of mine, but I really dislike when capital letters are used to signify someone shouting. I don’t know, to me it seems unnecessary since it’s usually pretty clear that they’re angry and reading lots of capital letters in a row can be annoying. But as I said it’s a pet hate of mine so don’t worry about changing it unless you want to :) I just thought I’d point it out anyway xD

Lol, I mustn’t have read this very thoroughly the first time because I remember wondering what was going on with the car crash, even though it was made pretty clear back in chapter two xD I think I understand now. So, something happened to Abby’s family, as alluded to in this chapter, then she got in her car and crashed into the SUV which led to the death of people. Gosh, I can't imagine how that must feel O.o On top of whatever happened, she accidently got people killed... I honestly don’t know how I missed that. Still, I wonder how her family got killed, if that’s what happened.

Poor Jake xD He can’t do anything right, can he? His behaviour around Abby is very amusing xD Still, at least he did something right at the end by her when he stopped her from having to read those papers. Lol, he’s probably my favourite character at the moment.

Wow, I must say I’m amazed by all the details in this story. Although, perhaps it’s just because I’m not used to reading lots of sci-fi, but in this chapter I felt like there was a heck of a lot of information for me to absorb in one sitting :P My small brain couldn’t quite manage it, I’m afraid. I mean, I know it’s kind of necessary to have all this info, but I’ll probably forget about most of it xD I felt very much like Sheridan and Abby when Dmitrov explained his machine thingy :P

This chapter was amazingly sad :( Shay’s emotions were just… Ugh, I can’t even describe them xD You did a great job with this chapter, I’m very impressed. I think her reaction was very realistic, especially the way she just kept on trying to get to Marena’s body, even though she was probably already dead. I wonder what will happen with their group now. One of their leaders is gone, and Marena meant more to most of them (except Laylia) than Jaycee did… I’m really curious to read on and see what happens. I feel like the story could go anywhere now.

Anyway, there was one thing that bothered me with this chapter. Wouldn’t Marena’s body have floated to the surface, unless there was something tying her down? I’m not quite sure of the science behind it, but I know dead bodies float in water (although, it might take a while for it to happen in which case it’s probably okay). Still, Shay was acting like she’d stay at the bottom of the river forever, when she’d eventually float to the surface and be found by a camper after a while.

Here’s a typo I found:

“causing ever fiber in her body”             &

Thanks for the comment! Sorry for making all those mistakes xD I’m not going to have another character’s POV. Even though it would be interesting, the story is already established as having three POVs and I feel like it would be un-formulaic to randomly start writing from a new person’s POV unless one of them dies. I like things to follow a formula :P Anyway, Samantha’s safe for the immediate future, so don't worry :P And although she does have a secret, it’s not a dark one. It’s pretty mundane, actually.

As for Thomas’s reaction, I should put more details about that… It’s something I added in at the last minute (before I just said she hadn’t told anyone) but then I realised there was no way he wouldn’t have guessed the truth xD Still, he’s a calm guy most of the time so I don’t think he would say much about it, he’d just offer to help her or something if she needed it.

Carey doesn’t want anyone to know because she still feels guilty about killing that man and injuring 256, and not telling anyone is kind of a way to pretend it didn’t happen. If they don’t know about it, she doesn’t have to face it – hence why she refuses when 256 tries to talk about it and get her to join him and Thomas when they practice.

Haha, it’s funny you should say that Caleb would have killed Reagan because originally Caleb was going to kill Reagan as well as John :P It would be rather silly of Carey and 256 to trust him at this point, since the evidence certainly isn’t in his favour xD

As for what Samantha did, I have the idea that she went back to that seaside village where they met Hahana and Maui and fumed there for a few days, thinking things over. She probably brought food/money/other supplies with her. I’m not sure why, I just picture her going there xD I also thought she might go back to her village but that's too far away.

I liked seeing the warehouse again xD I’ve missed that place… Since they’ve made it their hideout, I’m happy as I’ll probably get to see it more in the future :P

Anyway, this chapter was interesting. It’s good that the three of them have shared their secrets and are going to work together. It makes me curious if there’s anyone else JTG is bothering though. Mary’s likely, but Nikki and Steven… I’m not sure, cos I don’t know much about them :P For all I know, one of them could be JTG. I’m really looking forward to meeting Emilia too. I feel like she’s going to be very important beyond being the girl Jackson slept with.

I feel really sorry for Snow now she’s beginning to see that Sara wasn’t the same as she remembers. I can’t imagine what that feels like, especially since she’s having to deal with the pain of her death too :( I liked how Clara had a more realistic view of Sara in contrast. Sara was a good friend but still, she was manipulative. I really liked their interaction (Clara and Snow) especially when Snow told Clara about how she blacked out. I agree with Clara, I don’t think Snow would have killed Sara, no matter what. Unless she was possessed or something :P

Although, I did feel like Snow was being a bit insensitive to Jackson’s anger over Clara’s mistake. I mean, it might have been an accident but his friend is paralysed, and even if he regains some movement in his legs it’s unlikely he’ll be able to walk, at least not like he used to. I thought his anger was justified, though not very helpful as Snow said, but she didn’t have to yell at him. But, since she was angry at him anyway for sleeping with Emilia I think her yelling at him was an understandable thing for her to do. And she did apologize later so I won’t hold it against her :P

I’ll probably try to get to Under the Milky Way by the end of the week. I have to reread the first two chapters first xD

Wow, there were a lot of unexpected surprises in this chapter. Firstly, I didn’t expect Brad and Michael to be working together O.o Damn, that changes things. I believe Michael when he says he didn’t kill Sara, but I still don’t like him xD He spoke too casually about her death. I mean, he could show a little remorse over the death of a sixteen year old girl, even if she was out to prove he was evil or whatever.

It’s interesting about Mary too. She didn’t want Ariana’s gift of jewellery, which makes me think she’s feeling guilty about stealing from the jewellery store… At least, that’s my theory xD I wonder what the problem she wanted Brad to help her with is. I’m also really wondering what was going on back in chapter three or whatever number it was. Michael didn’t seem that interested in Mary, talking as though she were a hindrance, which seems weird. Now I think about it I don’t think (I could be wrong, I’m going by my fuzzy memory here) that Sara actually saw him raping her, she just saw him approach and assumed that’s what happened. Although I have no idea what else could have happened, seeing as she was naked and cried. Maybe it did happen and he’s just trying to hide it from Brad, because I assume he’d probably get pretty mad if he found out. But I don’t know. I’m confused now xD

Anyway, the second part of the chapter was even more surprising than the first. I must say, I never expected that Jackson would have cheated on her too, on the same night. I feel bad, but I find that kind of funny :P And with Emilia, that doctor’s daughter… Well, that’s going to but a hindrance on Snow’s promise to talk to her. Anyway, overall I thought that scene was well-written. I'm not really sure what will happen next between them. Before I thought Jackson might break up with Snow when she told him about Sara, but since it turns out he cheated on her too I don't know what to expect. Especially with JTG thrown into the mix O.o

I’m also glad that the bookstore was mentioned again. I had assumed that they had sold it and Ariana was a housewife or something, but I’m really glad to hear that she still owns it and keeps it going :) I don’t know why, that just made me feel warm and fuzzy.

Thanks for the comment! Lol, I’m glad you like Carey and 256’s interactions xD They’re both not the suavest of people :3 I don’t know why I get so much enjoyment over making my characters say and do stupid things. Although, half the stupid things are based on things I say – like the squishy thing :P As for Carey’s powers, the thing I mentioned in my last reply was actually moved from this one to the next, but yes it is rather odd she has so much control over them. Especially compared to someone like Thomas.

256 never spoke to Reagan, at least not on-screen (on-page? :P). They were probably introduced at some point, but they never knew each other well. For Carey Reagan was a friend, and shared her power. So yeah, she’s upset and wishing he were still alive so she could ask him if he knew anything about her newfound abilities. 256 is saddened by the sombre atmosphere and the feelings of his friends, but he’s not sad on a personal level. As for Caleb, it would be very stupid of Carey to trust him at this point :P After all, she knows basically nothing about him.

I must say I was quite worried about Janelle’s bit and what people would think about her dismissing him being a spy. I thought it seemed natural, since she’s more concerned with the fact he died and as Samantha said the evidence points to him switching to their side. Still, I was worried people would think differently xD I really love writing about close platonic relationships, and theirs is probably my favourite too :P Lol, it’s ironic that their friendship is magical when they’re the two main characters without magical powers xD

I’m pretty sure this is where I was up to. I definitely remember the last chapter, anyways :P

I love how you built up the atmosphere of this chapter. At the beginning it was a pleasant read, I enjoyed reading about their antics with the canoes and was surprised about Shay’s birthday. It seemed like another light chapter, but then when the water patrol guys appeared the tension started building. I was holding my breath by that point, hoping they wouldn’t recognise them or arrest them… Anyway, overall it was a great build up to that ending.

I can’t believe Marena is dead (if she is dead… But from the sound of that injury with the oar and the nature of this story my guess is that she will be). I thought she or Carson might die but I pictured it being at the end, not in the middle. Anyway, it’s a great (but sad) twist if she is, and I liked how you described Shay as the events unfolded, especially when she thought Marena was too strong for the water patrol guy to beat her. And the irony when she said: “I might die, right here, on a goddamn river. Nothing glorious, heroic or brave about that” right before it happened. Anyway, overall this was a great, very emotional chapter. The description of Marena’s fight was very vivid and tense and I’m holding my breath for the next chapter. I think she’s probably dead but there’s still a bit of hope inside me :(

Here’s some typos I found:

“singing the waivers under aliases”. That’s a unique method :P

“water patrol’s for reasons unknown” I don’t know, maybe this is just me, but usually I would say “unknown reasons” instead of “reasons unknown”. Although, that phrase does remind me of a song I like, and now I’ve got it stuck in my head xD Sorry for rambling.

Also, you repeated the phrase “watched helplessly” at the end, I think it would have more impact if you found a different way of saying it the second time :)

Thanks for the comment! I’m glad you like the ending haha. So far most people seem to assume from the first chapter that the story will be a murder mystery, so I’m always worried how people will react when her killer is actually revealed in the second chapter (although, you don’t know much about them, so I suppose it’s still a mystery :3). But, luckily people seem to have liked it the way it is and not complained, so I suppose it must be alright. Anyway, I’m happy you thought the italicised parts were his thoughts at first – that’s what Nate thinks they are, so it’s fitting :P

Thanks for the comment! Haha, I’m glad the first person was okay. I started this when I was stuck on my other stories and thought I should try something different. You’re right, I probably should show more of his speech… I don’t know why I didn’t in the first place, actually :P I'll probably be able to get to your story tomorrow, I'm busy tonight :)

After reading this chapter I think that the storimhaib is probably some piece of technology rather than magic, and it can be used to control people or something like that. Like some sort of thing that brainwashes people. Or maybe it’s a really powerful weapon and the people were united out of fear. I also think it might be not really there at all, and is just a myth the Queen’s ancestor made up to get people to follow her.

I do find the other characters interesting. The Queen and Gak are the two I’m wondering most about, and as I said I really like Kalae. Gak reminds me of this serial killer kid from an episode of Criminal Minds xD Not that I think he’s a serial killer, he just gives me that creepy vibe. I’m not really sure what he is, and how he fits in. I guess if the storimhaib really is magic he could be magical in some way. I think Alan and Joy are interesting too – Joy in particular, I’m not quite sure what her motives and stuff are, so I’m interested to find out what’s going on with her family and why she was stealing stuff. She seems more of a revolutionist while Alan is more down-to-earth, even though he does want gender equality and stuff. And she seems full of self-confidence, while he’s more negative and kind of cynical about things. I like the contrast between them and I think they are interesting characters :)

Lol, I didn’t even realise the cover had a face on it (does it? It looks like a face to me :P) until I enlarged it xD No, I don’t think it’s too creepy or anything.

Yay, a new chapter! :)

I was surprised to learn that Kalae is the Queen’s daughter. I seem to remember that she was described as being in her thirties (although, I might have forgotten), so I never would have guessed that because of the small age difference xD But, considering that they said in this chapter technology is only available for the rich, I suppose the Queen probably uses make-up and technology  and stuff to stay looking young. At least, that’s my theory :P Anyway, I really liked the part from Kalae's point of view, and I hope she gets more in the future. It’s sad how she has tried to impress her mother, only to never be noticed for her efforts . I think that's a relatable situation for a lot of people. She’s probably my favourite so far after this chapter xD

The journal part was super interesting as well. It’s cool how they wanted to use the islands to create a place of complete equality. I feel like an idea like that is just doomed to fail, unfortunately, and I guess it did since girls are super-powerful in Berkoz :/ It’s one of those things that would be great but could never work in real life because everyone will have prejudices about something or other xD It’s really interesting how it seems that life on the islands, and the language and the culture, were just created by scientists. It’ll be interesting to see what the other islands are like, and how different their society is from Berkoz.

“I took out the tiny green present that I was too afraid to open when it was given to me, and placed it on my lap, my head full of bittersweet emotions.” In this part I feel the emotions would be more powerful if you took out the “my head full of bittersweet emotions” part. I think his bittersweet emotions are already obvious from his dialogue, thoughts, etc, so that part is a bit unnecessary. But other than that I thought the emotions were really good. I really liked learning about Alan’s grandma and his relationship with her. She seems to be a pretty cool lady, since she gave Alan an iPod or something similar  to tell him to leave Berkoz and explore the world xD And she called him storimhaib, too. Maybe she’s one of the scientists, or I guess one of their descendants (I’m not sure how much time has passed) who’s been told about the world outside or whatever.

Also I was a bit confused when Alan thought that Joy’s dad must have left her because of how she reacted to his question about her parents. I mean, I understand why he would think that one or both of her parents left her, but how come it has to be her dad? Her mum could have been the one to leave :P

“I shrugged, not wanting her to think I was .” The last word is missing :P

I’m glad the subject of Adrian came up at last. I mean, I know it’s not something they probably mention a lot but I must admit I was curious about Snow’s opinion on it. I felt really bad for her when she was wondering if Ariana saw Adrian when she looked at her :( I can’t say I know what it’s like to be in her position, but it seemed realistic to me that she would wonder that. And it was heart-warming when Ariana corrected her too. Noooo, I don't want her to die :( I'm absolutely dreading when she has to tell Snow about that. I suspect many tissues will be required for that chapter xD

Snow’s dream was interesting too – I wonder if it has something to do with that murderer that was mentioned a while back. I hope Snow doesn’t get caught by him (if he’s still around) :( Or anyone else, for that matter.

And Sara… :( I can’t say I was expecting her to come back, even if she’s only a ghost. I wonder if she’s a guide, like Cooper and Claire. I wonder if they’ll come back at some point, actually :P They must still be around too, somewhere. Anyway, her warning about Michael was chilling. I don’t think he killed Sara (although I think he could have been involved), but he’s still creepy and surely up to something bad.

 

Thanks so much for the comment!!! I’m glad the first person was okay haha. I’ve never written in that style before, so it was definitely unfamiliar for me. It didn’t really help that the main character is a man, and a lot older than I am… xD Lol, I created so many problems for myself.

I say it’s never too early for theories :P Lauren’s killer is actually revealed quite early on, so in this case early theories are better.  Brandon’s role is probably more ambiguous, although in my opinion fairly obvious as well, but it’s not revealed for a while :P But, I suppose I wrote so I’ll have to see whether others think it’s obvious or not.

I was happy (and yet sad :P) that it was Kayla who comforted Snow after she broke down at last about Sara instead of Ariana, which is what I would have expected. So far in this story I was kind of getting the feeling that she was getting a little neglected in her role as one of Snow’s mothers, because all of the mother/daughter scenes have pretty much been with Ariana. Especially since Kayla would really be just as much her mother as Ariana is, even if they’re not related by blood. Anyway, because of that I really liked that scene, and the things Kayla told her about her coping with Claire and Ariana’s death/near-death. I think Snow will be okay too. Eventually :(

The part with Dr Banks was interesting (and yet so creepy :P) too. I wonder why all these older dudes keep checking her out. I guess they must be connected, and I don’t think they’re really looking at her “in that way” but I’m not sure what their motive is. And this Emilia… I wonder where she’ll fit into things.

Snow’s talk with Jacob was touching too. I wonder what role he will have in the story. I hope he’s a good guy, cos I like him xD It was interesting what he said about Sara, and how Snow thought it made Sara sound worse than she thought she was. I think Sara was worse than Snow thinks, because she was manipulating her too (when she told her she didn’t care if she picked Jackson), but she wasn’t a bad person overall as far as I know, and as Jacob said she did love Snow.

I liked seeing Sara’s Mum and stepdad. I like how you pointed out the contrast between Sara and Michelle, and how her stepdad wasn’t what Snow expected. But because of that I’m wondering if his niceness in this chapter was an act or something. I’m not sure because it’s not like it’s uncommon for kids to hate their stepdads, so Sara could have just called him a pompous douchebag even if he wasn’t actually one. Although, it did seem kind of suspicious that he would ask Snow to take some of Sara’s stuff. I mean, she’s only been dead for a couple of days, most people would know to wait a little longer O.o

Thanks for the comment!!! And no worries about the belatedness, I don’t mind. I’ve been hanging out with horses all week anyway so I haven’t done any writing for this story :3 Thanks for saying such nice things. I don’t think the plot line is that astonishing, though, but I’m glad you like it :)

I remember thinking when you questioned Carey’s uniqueness: It doesn’t matter cos he’s not going to be there for much longer anyway… :( But, I do have a question: Overall, what did you think of Reagan’s character? He’s probably the character who’s given me the most trouble, with all his conflicting motives. Were you sad when he died? Someone on my fictionpress account said they didn’t care that he died, which made me sad :(

Thomas’s lessons have been continuing, but there hasn’t been much opportunity for me to mention them recently. But they have still been happening and will be mentioned again soon.

My spellcheck isn't screaming at me for spelling it curiousity, so I guess it must be an Australian spelling :P Sorry, I forgot to mention that they moved to the dining room to eat. And there’s a peephole on the door to the kitchen. And the fire probably would have spread, you’re right. I always forget things like that. I did try and put more details in about the environment this time, but I’m not very good at it xD

As for Caleb, he’s never been introduced before, so I’m not sure why you’d feel a sense of déjà vu :P Although he is the reason why I changed the Leader’s gender. Originally Caleb was a woman named Cecily, but I made her have a sex change because I didn’t want people to assume she was going to be like President Coin from the Hunger Games xD But I didn’t want to make her a man originally because then all of the authority figures (the Leader, 805 and Marvin) would all be men, so I changed the Leader to a woman cos her gender doesn't matter and made Caleb a man :P And in hindsight I think he's better as a man anyway.

Anyway, sorry for the insanely long reply (and I’m not saying that your comment was insanely long, it was a very nice length long). And sorry for rambling xD

Lol, perhaps you did mention grief counsellors :P It wouldn't be the first time I've missed something completely ;)

Awww Kayla :( I’m really not looking forward to Snow finding out about Ariana, my heart is already suffering too much. I think her feelings are really well portrayed and realistic. It’s heart-breaking how part of her wishes Ariana were already dead, but it seems like something someone in that situation would actually feel. I’d say I hope that some supernatural force will save Ariana again, but I doubt it :/ After all, in the last book Destiny or someone said Ariana’s life was her own now, so unless something new comes up I don’t see her getting saved. I’m gonna be so upset when she dies…

I have a feeling that Jackson’s going to find out about her and Sara before Snow can tell him :/ Things never work out the way people want, so… I’m sure he will find out that way instead of Snow telling him herself. Unless he is JTG. But I don’t think he is, because they sound like a girl. Especially the text Snow got about Sara, it sounded to me like something a girl would say, so I think they’re probably a girl. But then, maybe they are a man and are just covering it up by posing as a girl xD

I doubt Mary and Brad are actually going out. I mean when she got POV before it sounded as though no-one had ever been interested in her “in that way” or whatever :P Plus the way Brad spoke of her before it didn’t sound like she was his girlfriend. Still, they’re relationship is intriguing. I wonder how they came to know each other, and what their plan was. I still think they stole from the jewellery store, but I don’t know why on Earth they would have done it xD I guess I’ll just have to wait and find out… And if she did get a message from JTG, I wonder what it was about. Perhaps about Michael, since she didn’t want people to find out about what he’d done to her.

And that teacher. He was creepy, the way he stared at Snow. I know he stared at other people, but I’m sure he’ll be important somehow. Maybe the people he stopped at were all the other characters involved in whatever the hell is going on here xD Creepy. And I wonder why the old teacher retired… :P

There was one thing I found odd – I don’t know how American schools work but when a kid died at my high school we had an assembly about it and the kids in his year were all offered grief counselling. I thought it was odd that the school administration itself didn’t seem to have much acknowledgement of her death, as the students just went to class like normal.

Thanks for commenting! I’m glad that the characters are interesting :)

Lol, rootling is a word xD It means something similar to rummaging. It’s probably an Australian term or something, that’s happened to me a few times :P Anyway, thanks for the critique! :D

Well, there really isn’t much I can say about Carey’s use of fire :P It’s probably quite different from what you’re thinking, but that’ll be mentioned in the next chapter. As for 256 believing in 805, that’s the way he is – in situations like this 256 has to see the best in people, no matter what. 805 is no exception xD Besides, as he said 805’s behaviour in Gifted convinced him :P Plus, he has other reasons for wanting 805 and Sam to become best buddies, but those won’t really be mentioned for a while.

I’m glad Reagan’s death was emotional. I found it easier to write than Marvin’s (not because I didn’t like him, but Reagan’s death is 100% necessary while Marvin’s wasn’t so I knew I couldn't back out of it) but it was still sad for me :( Anyway, his motives and whose side he was one will probably be unclear for a while xD Overall he’s probably the character I struggled with the most when writing, so I hope that overall his arc of the story paid off.

Lol, Caleb does have some explaining to do regarding the slaughtering of the Gifted.  But, he could still be a nice person. After all, he can’t really control what his rebels do when he’s not there… Or can he? :P
 

I really liked the way you described the car chase scene. I’m not an expert or anything but it seemed realistic and was exciting. I like all the detail :)
Carol’s behaviour as Callie was funny :P I like how Logan thought something was up, I would have been kinda disappointed in him if he hadn’t. The ending with Trevor was interesting too. I guess he must be connected or working for the shadow rider, although it’s not him…
Also that sign – “Bridge out ahead” doesn’t seem like something they would write on a sign (it’s too colloquial). I think something like “Bridge closed ahead” would be more realistic. I also felt like writing “loooooong” in the narrative is a little strange for a story in third person ^^ I think it would be better to just write long, or say very long to indicate the same thing :P I think it would sound better that way.
The main grammar problem I’m still noticing is that sometimes you don’t have full stops where they should be. If you have an action and then dialogue, like in this sentence:
Edith slouched back into her seat “Am I alive?”
Because the dialogue is a separate sentence, there should be a full stop after seat so it becomes:
Edith slouched back into her seat. “Am I alive?”
Sorry if I mentioned this before, by the way. I don’t remember if I did or not xD
 

Oooh that was interesting. JTG… At the moment all I’m thinking of is Pretty Little Liars xD To be fair I only ever read the first three books or something, but whoever they are they remind me of A (It was A, right? It’s been ages since I read them and I never watched the show :3). Still, they have to be someone at the school, to know that Clara was talking to Jackson at that moment. Nikki was suspicious in this chapter, but I don’t think it’s her – I don’t see how she could have sent that text to Clara without her noticing, considering they were right next to each other :P So I suspect she’s a red herring, but who really knows… xD

Anyway, I was definitely surprised about Mary and Brad :P I wonder how they know each other. Obviously they’re up to something, but I believe Brad (and by extension Mary) when he says he wasn’t involved in Sara’s murder. But they are definitely involved in something... ooooOOOhhhh! Maybe they were the ones who broke into the jewellery store! That would explain Brad’s “they don’t know anything! Keep quiet!” or whatever it was from the last chapter. I don’t know what they could have stolen from the jewellery store and what why it’s useful to them, but that’s my theory at the moment :3 Or perhaps just Brad stole the stuff (cos his dialogue seemed to imply that Mary might think he had actually killed Sara, which wouldn’t have happened if they’d been together stealing jewellery) but he stole stuff for her too. Lol, sorry for rambling xD

Oh no, you’ve deduced my plan to murder you! Damn, it was going so well… xD

I’ve debated many times whether to make Samantha a POV character or not. I seriously considered making her one in this story, but I decided against it because I thought it would disrupt the gender ratio and because I thought four POVs would be hard to follow when they switch around so often :/ So I decided against it. But, when writing chapters like this I regret my decision xD Although she’d never admit, she really is quite terrified about having to face him. Especially if it’s in a situation where she has to ask for his help instead of yell abuse/kill him :P

I’m glad the part with Janelle and Reagan was okay. I was worried about the romance stuff, cos I’m not very good at writing it. And lol, I never would have taken that as anything but emotional if you hadn’t said it :P

As for Janelle’s possible death, I can’t really say anything, can I? :3 I will say this: I’ve been looking forward (in a kind of sad way) to writing the next (possibly two, if it gets too long and I have to split it xD) chapter for a long time. It’s definitely a turning point for his story, anyway.

Thanks for the comment! When I was writing it I thought it seemed a little disjointed, that’s why I don’t like it that much :/ Plus, I’m not very good at writing romance so I struggled a bit with the part with Janelle and Reagan.

I must admit I never really thought of why Carey would think of 805 xD I just thought because she actually spoke to him for a bit at the end of Gifted she’d be more inclined to realise it could be him than Janelle would, but I didn’t really think of it beyond that. It doesn't make that much sense but I guess Carey is just expecting the worst xD Anyway, thanks for pointing out, I’ll fix it :P

I kind of saw Janelle turning her back on John because she was going to run back to the brothel, but then she didn’t get to because of the wall being in the way. But I did describe her as stepping around him like she was walking so I should change it to make her seem less of an idiot. As for the holding the spear further away thing, I never thought of that :P That does make sense. Physics was never my strong point xD

The Gifted probably would have a different fighting style from the rebels. I guess they do because they (usually) rely more on their powers than their physical fighting skills, but I haven’t thought about it much honestly :/ I think fighting style would really depend on the person, though, more than anything else. I do try and do that by giving the characters different favourite weapons and stuff, mostly because I thought it would be boring if they all used swords all the time xD

Lol, sensitive, girly boys. That’s a pretty accurate description. At least they aren’t all bishies :P I’m glad you think it appeals to both genders. Personally I like series that mix action, romance, drama, humour, etc. the best so I try to make there something of everything in my story.

Your sister’s name is Carey????? That’s so cool :P I don’t know any Careys in real life.

Ahh, the feels when Ariana was talking about Cooper… :’( :’( Aww. Still, I enjoyed that part. I hope Snow cries soon, Sara’s death obviously hasn’t really hit her yet and I think crying about something like that can be a little therapeutic in a way.  I’m curious what will happen to their group without Sara, though – I think a secrets and stuff are revealed they will drift apart, even if they make friends again later. At the moment, I’m suspicious of Nikki. I bet she’s got some big secret. I’m not going to accuse her of being Sara’s killer though. Yet xD I’ll probably accuse everyone at some point, to be honest :P

The last part, with Brad…  That was definitely interesting :P I wonder who he’s talking to, and what they want… Creepy. I still don’t think he killed Sara (surely he’s not that dumb to leave his knife there) but I guess he must still be up to something. Plus the way at the end of their conversation, when whoever it was accused him of being insensitive, makes me think their plan or whatever is not directly involved with Sara’s death. Surely they wouldn’t say something like that if they were, they wouldn’t care if it was insensitive or not xD  Buuut I suppose it’s definitely still possible they were involved in some way. Gosh, that was longer than I intended it to be xD

Something I found strange was when Brad described Sophia as a “lovely blonde woman” when she’s about to arrest him. It seemed odd because of that, even if it’s the truth xD

Lol, I had to read that first paragraph a few times before I got it xD And you’re not being negative. Sorry for the bad quality of this chapter. And the next one as well, cos I don’t like it :/

Anyway, I like Carey (why is she a bear? xD) just fine :P It’s Carey that doesn’t like Carey very much.  Same as I don’t really think those things about 256 (I mean, sure he’s a nice guy overall but he just spent a week ignoring her for a pretty pathetic reason :P) but Carey does. As for the other things you pointed out, I’ll fix them (hopefully :P).

Thanks so much for commenting!!! :D :D :D I’m really glad it was more believable. I tried to make it more subtle and explain more, so I’m glad it worked. I’m also glad you liked the dream (yes, it was new :P). It was something I didn’t even plan to put in, I was just rewriting the chapter and then it happened xD

Lol, so far nobody has noticed her using that name xD I’m not sure if you remember this but once in one of my comments on your story I mentioned I’d done something similar to you mentioning Snow’s name in a subtle way, this is what I was referring to, although it’s far less subtle :P I figured when coming up with fake names on the spot, people tend to use names of people they know, and  Sam’s not going to use any of the other rebel’s names, so her name is the other choice she had. Carey actually uses her mother’s name as well, although that hasn’t been mentioned otherwise xD

 There actually was a reference to her knife in the original, but it was much more subtle (she asked to borrow Janelle’s knife, even though Janelle notes she’s already got one). But since she doesn’t talk to Janelle first anymore, I had to change it so she uses her own knife.

And thanks for pointing out that repetition. I don’t know what happened there :P

Lol, is it weird that I’m happy you’re on edge about this story? xD

Teenage relationship drama xD I don’t know why, but I cracked up when I read that. That’s a pretty good description of it, to be honest. Anyway, I’m glad that part was okay :P They’re both pretty much clueless about relationships and stuff, so yeah they pretty much have no idea how to handle what happened.

 I’m glad that Carey’s thoughts about her family and Wesley were okay. I feel bad because she’s kind of been a bit in the background for the last few chapters or so, seeing as Janelle and 256 have both had pretty important stuff happening with them. But there are big things coming up for Carey, so I hope it won’t matter that much >.< She really is quite an insecure person, honestly. She tries to act tough to cover it up, but self-esteem definitely isn’t one of her strengths :/ As for Wesley, I can’t say much… :P

I’m happy that 256’s decision was good too. I thought most people would expect him to say no, but he feels that by going to the Council he’ll be able to decide once and for all whether he really does want to help the rebels or not. There is also another big reason why he wants to go back, but that’s probably not something people will expect :3

Lol, now I’m imagining what 805’s face would be if he saw someone doing a happy dance about him. I don’t think he’d quite know what to make of it xD

Snow :’( I don’t believe she killed Sara, but it was so heart-wrenching to see her consider that. Unless she was being controlled by some supernatural thingy or something, then I could see them using Snow to kill her but she wouldn’t have been herself, so… I don’t think she would have willingly killed Sara. Unless Sara is actually an evil mastermind and revealed her evil plan to Snow while she was drugged or under supernatural stuff and then Snow was forced to kill her to save the world :P But, somehow that seems unlikely ;) I don’t really have much of an idea about who the killer is at the moment. Everyone seems suspicious!

One thing I thought, would Sophia be questioning Snow? They’re family, so… Wouldn’t there be some thing about not being able to question people you know? I know doctors aren't supposed to treat people they know, so I thought it would be the same. Although, I suppose since they’re in a small town there isn’t much choice so Sophia would have to do it.

I also thought it was strange that Michael wasn’t a suspect. It was his house so I would have thought that would automatically make him at least need to be questioned, even if there was no evidence he’d actually done it. Although, I suppose he probably was but it wasn’t shown. I feel kind of sorry for Brad xD Obviously he didn’t really do it, although I suppose he might have been involved. I mean, who’s dumb enough to kill someone using their own knife and leaving fingerprints on it? xD Besides, he seemed mysterious and stuff, so I think he has some other secret but I don’t see why he’d kill Sara.

Sorry for taking longer that I said to get to this! Anyway, onto my comment.

This was a really entertaining read. I can definitely tell how much thought and effort you’ve put into creating the world and it’s really a pleasure to read about it.

I love your details, especially Jeremiah’s thought processes (like when he was hunting the deer, I liked how you described what he was doing and how he did it). They just add that extra level to the story, I feel, and it shows that you’ve put thought into it and know what you’re talking about. I also like the details about Bravo (like, him only cantering because of the heavy deer on his back). It was good later on as well, when Jeremiah was alternating between riding him and giving him a rest. I find a lot of horses in stories are portrayed as being able to run endlessly without getting tired, so I was happy to see you paid attention to that detail.

The main complaint I have is that this chapter was very long. Maybe I just have a short attention span (that's likely :P) but a lot was going on and I feel like I probably didn’t absorb it all as well as I should have. It probably doesn’t help that it’s really late at night as I’m writing this xD But there were a lot of characters and places mentioned, and I feel it would be easier to remember them all if it was split up a little. The other complaint I have is the lack of girl characters (I don’t know why, it just kind of stood out to me. I guess cos I'm a girl :P) but obviously this is the first chapter and there could very well be more later.

 I think the summary could use some simplifying as well – when I read it most of the names didn’t mean much to me, so it kind of went over my head. It’s not that important as it’s just a summary, but I think simplifying it a little for the idiots like me might help attract more readers. For example, it probably isn’t necessary to list all the civilisations by name, since they’ll come up in the story.

There were a few grammar/spelling errors, but they weren’t that big a deal. I think you’ll probably be able to fix them easily if you edit at some point.

Anyway, overall this was a great read! I look forward to the next chapter! :D

I really liked your descriptions in this chapter. They were nicely detailed and created a very clear picture. Ocassionally sometimes things you write seem a little redundant, because they are already obvious – for example, when you said: “and then the voice went silent.” That was already clear. But that’s just me nitpicking xD

Anyway, this chapter had lots of interesting developments. I really liked Zet ‘Thurr, he definitely wasn’t what I expected at all. Anyway, if the next chapter’s from his point of view it’s bound to be interesting ;)

The demon woman was intriguing, too – I wonder if she’s connected to the woman in the last chapter, or perhaps she had some role in his death. I don’t have much of an idea at the moment, so I’m excited to read on :3

Nooo, Sara! I was expecting it but still :( That whole scene was really well written and horrible. Even though I didn’t really like Sara that much (especially after what you told me after the last chapter) it was still very tragic. It was so suspenseful when Snow woke, up, because I knew someone (probably Sara) was going to be dead and then… I felt so sorry for Snow as well. Her Mum’s dying, her girlfriend/best friend is dead… The next chapter is going to be one big load of feels :(

It looks like Sara drugged Snow, but… I’m sure she probably did it to protect her or something. I mean, she seemed way too nervous after not to have. But then, she is pretty cunning, so perhaps her being nervous means she didn’t do it xD

Now, onto some theories… After this chapter, Steven seems a likely culprit. He’s too smooth. In fact, he’s almost too likely so maybe not (I’m just gonna end up saying that about everyone, aren’t I? xD). Even though Michael continues to behave suspiciously I still don’t believe it was him. I mean, he doesn’t strike me as the sharpest tool in the shed but I don’t think he’d be stupid enough to kill a girl in his own house, since he’s probably going to be a suspect because of that anyway. I do think he has a role, somehow, but… I don’t think he killed her.

Anyway, the scene with Kayla and Ariana also tugged at the heartstrings. So I was right… But that doesn’t make me happy :( Poor Ariana. I think she’ll cope, though. She’s strong. Kayla I’m probably more worried about, actually. I don’t think she’ll cope well at all with Ariana’s illness.

And I think I understand why the wording of what I said before is funny – is it because this chapter is called “That Night?” :P

I was glad to see Snow feeling more guilty in this chapter. I feel much more sympathy for her now, while when I read the last chapter I didn’t really feel sorry for her at all. Her guilt almost seemed too sudden after the last chapter, but I see you’ve been doing lots of editing so I think that’s probably because I’ve been caught between edits :P

Ahem, sorry for complaining again (I’m still gonna say that, cos I feel bad) but in this chapter it was Clara and Nicki I was confused by. They both seemed pretty excited about Sara and Snow, which makes sense since they’ve known they are in love and stuff, but Jackson is their friend too, isn’t he? Surely at least one of them would express disapproval, even if it was only a little bit. Still, that part was kind of funny :P It didn’t take long for them to stuff up and reveal themselves, that’s for sure. Sara isn’t very stealthy xD

Speaking of Sara, I’m getting more worried for her… I wonder who she was talking to, and what she’s planning.  I know she’s probably doing something good, but I’m sure things aren’t going to end well for her. I felt sorry for Snow as well, seeing as Sara is hiding it from her. I wonder how Snow will react if Sara gets killed. It makes me sad to think of it :(

Nooooo, I’m almost certain about Ariana now. I mean, it seemed like maybe they were going to break up, but I don’t see that happening. Illness is more likely, I think. You're making my heart break :(

This chapter was very interesting. I like Forneus and Phenex’s characters, and how they differ. I think you’ve done a good job at showing that. I wonder why Phenex dislikes humans so much. I’m sure there’s a reason for it, like perhaps humans killed someone he loved or something like that or treated him badly for some reason. Anyway, there was a lot of things to be curious about in this chapter, about Gwen’s role as a guardian of the artifacts in particular. I’m looking forward to the next one!

Haha, I’m beginning to see what you mean when you said on your comment for my story that there were things I’d written that reminded you of events in your own writing. I’m getting that feeling now xD We must have similar thoughts :P

At the beginning – I find it strange that Gwen calls what she’s coughing up bile. She would only throw up bile if she’s already emptied her stomach, so… Unless her stomach was empty (which it wouldn’t be if she’d just started retching), she’d be throwing up vomit first. Sorry about that, I’m a bit of a biology geek.

In this chapter (and the others, but mostly this one) I felt like you were referring to the characters by their descriptions too much (the teen, human firebird, the daemon, auburn-haired man, etc). I’ve noticed a lot of writers on sites like this tend to do this. But most published books I’ve read don’t do it, they mostly refer to the characters by name or by he/she/etc, and I think it really does make the writing smoother. I know it can seem repetitive when you’re reading over your stuff and they're referred to by name a lot, I used to use their descriptions a lot as well but I’m trying to phase it out of my writing. It’s because I realised that when I’m reading stories I honestly don’t notice it if the names keep getting repeated even when two people of the same gender are talking, and I don’t think many other people do either. I find it more natural that way as well, but of course that’s my opinion :)

I like the banter between the main character and the God or whatever it is :P I think it’s a very unique way to tell the story, and entertaining. Anyway, I enjoyed this chapter. I like hearing about Char. And the woman, she was very interesting…  Her sudden change in emotion was a bit confusing though. She seemed pretty confident, but then she suddenly broke down in tears which I thought was a bit random.

Also, something I noticed in this chapter is that you seemed to switch between past tense and present tense a couple of times when he was telling the story. I think it’s better to stick to one or the other.

Here’s some typos and wording mistakes I found:

“That guy were referring to is Char, and I met on my travels across the Meridian Sea." This should be something like: “that guy we’re referring to is Char, whom I met on my travels across the Meridian sea.”

“shield on his back that I've never seen before” I’d instead of I’ve

“the best to describe it would be…” should be: “the best way to describe it would be

This was a sweet chapter. I liked the information about how Caiden ended up with cat ears and a tail. I hope the main character does tell Caiden about it eventually, though. I mean, it is his business, after all. But I can see why he’d want to hide it from Caiden so I think it’s realistic.

One thing I thought was odd, was when the social worker or whatever was telling him that Caiden would be adopted by his parents if he was younger than he is. Since he’s older, I don’t see why the social worker would bother to mention it as it’s not relevant. Instead you could just say something like, “since you’re twenty you’re old enough to adopt him yourself” without going into much detail.

I also found it odd when one of the reasons his parents gave for him being a good guardian for Caiden was because he was adorable. That just seemed like a strange thing to say given the context, but it might just be me.

Aaaannnd Gakk appears again. I’m really curious about what his role will be. All those weird vibes Joy keeps getting makes me wary of him. Maybe he’s the storimhaib, and he’s secretly Alan’s brother/cousin and his grandma got them mixed up xD Or he could just be the storimhaib and be unrelated to Alan. I bet he’s going to sneak away with them when they go to wherever they need to go on their mission. Still, he’s definitely magical or something like that, for him to be able to know where Joy was going and get into the bookcase or whatever unnoticed. Unless he’s just been following them all the time, which is pretty creepy, but then how would he get in the library and the house they’ve been staying in unnoticed? I suppose he’s pretty stealthy, but… Hmm, something doesn’t seem right.

Still, the journal was also super interesting. That was probably my favourite part xD I thought it was really cool how they actually live in the future, on these mysterious islands. I wonder what they needed a psychologist for. And how that dude reacted when he found out the islands were real xD Still, it makes me more curious about Gakk, seeing as he just happened to give her the book with this cool info in it. I’m definitely very excited to find out more, as you can probably tell from all the incessant rambling xD

There wasn’t much I found wrong with this chapter, aside from some typos and stuff. There was one thing, and this is really nerdy of me, I’m sorry xD It’s probably okay to leave it since Joy might not know better, but I couldn’t resist pointing it out: At one point you referred to Kalae’s rabbit as a “dog-sized rodent”. Rabbits are not rodents, they’re lagomorphs.

Anyway, here are the typos and stuff I found:

“ and feel asleep right away.” I think it should be fell

“Is Quatix the Queen's ancestor who his the magic”

“I though girls don't care about boys”

And, as usual feel free to ask questions. I was so excited about my theories about the world and Gakk that I probably forgot something xD

I wouldn’t say there’s necessarily anything else that went on with Janelle and Alex. Sorry if that’s a spoiler, but… yeah. It’s just that, Alex himself is told from a very biased point of view. I’m not saying he’s an amazing person, because what he did was very cruel, but he’s not a monster either. He was very young himself, and when he got in too deep (oh, that pun xD) he got scared and bowed out when he should have taken responsibility. I think he did feel remorse for what he did (hence why he gave Janelle the money that time) but he was very much in denial about it. Who knows? Perhaps, as he saw his daughter grow up from afar he might have changed his mind about the whole thing, or perhaps he would have remained in denial forever. But seeing as she was taken away the opportunity never really arose. Sorry for the rambling, by the way.  

As for Janelle, yeah. Because of what happened with Alex she doesn’t have a lot of confidence about relationships, and the fact that Reagan is so secretive really doesn’t help :(

And you’re not nitpicking lol. I was worried about that myself, honestly. It is supposed to be a spur of the moment decision for him, but I when I read over it I thought, I’m not sure if he’s really ready for it yet... Still, I’d hardly say he’s a card-carrying rebel now, and when he calms down a bit he does feel a bit of remorse, so I hope his decision will seem less sudden as the story goes on. Kissing Carey just sent him over the edge, I think xD These feelings have been building up in him, even if he didn’t really admit it before (like, how he’s been really happy to learn how to read/write even though that’s forbidden too). So once kisses her, something he never ever thought he’d have the courage to do, something just snaps inside him xD But, I think I definitely need to work on that, because as I said it did bother me when I wrote it.

And you should be worried… *evil laughter*

I really hope you’re not a psychic and I don’t really have to wait for thirteen years for GRRM to finish the A Song of Ice and Fire series :P Although I suppose it’s a very real possibility, isn’t it xD

There were a few things I found odd. Firstly, I didn’t really understand why Sara and Snow would have sex… I mean, I know they love each other and stuff and are super attracted to each other, but they’re only sixteen, and (presumably) virgins. Plus, Sara seemed pretty awkward about her feelings when she was telling her so it seemed strange to me that they’d have sex straight away in their relationship. I mean, Kayla and Ariana’s relationship moved quickly, but then that fit the way they fell in love, while Snow and Sara have known each other for a long time so they don’t really have that whirlwind romance feeling that Kayla and Ariana had. But you’d know better than me :P I’m probably just prude.

I also felt that Snow wasn’t showing the guilt that a normal person would. Especially if she’s supposed to be a kind person, I’d expect her to be A LOT more guilty. Like later, when she was cuddling up to Sara – if I were her I’d be staying far away, no matter how much I wanted to. I know Snow’s not me, but she showed more guilt before she cheated on him than after it happened which seems weird. It seemed to me that she didn’t care about Jackson and his feelings much at all, just that she herself would suffer from losing him. And, I never got the feeling that she was that type of person, so it seemed strange to me. I did feel like she was in denial about the full weight what she’d done, but I think making her show a little more guilt wouldn’t hurt. It would make her a bit more sympathetic, because at the moment I must say I’m having a hard time feeling sorry for her and her dilemma. But then, I usually feel that way about love triangles no matter what so I’m not exactly an unbiased observer xD Sorry for all the complaining and ranting, by the way  O.o I’ll move on.

Haha, it was funny when Ariana was just like “you slept with Sara”. That would definitely make for an awkward family breakfast xD She still seems kind of sad, though. Nooooo don’t be dying Ariana! I hope I’m wrong :(

The tale about the serial killer was interesting too. Even though it happened long ago, I’m sure it will be relevant… I’m not sure how though :P I think the killer was a supernatural entity of some sort so maybe it will come back at some point… I don’t think they’ll be the killer, though. I think that will be a human being, even though no one’s actually died yet so it’ll be a while before I can start guessing who did it xD And this party sounds ominous. I think someone’s not going to make it out of that night alive… >.<

Sorry for taking longer than I said before to get to this, I’ve been busier than I thought xD Anyway, this was really intriguing. I was surprised the main character died. When I read the first paragraph and got to the end I was like, “woah. Was not expecting that!” Anyway, it’s interesting. I wonder who killed him, and why. Anyway, overall I think this was a good start. The ending where he was talking to the voice was great. Kind of creepy, too, when he/she was saying how they ran the world and everything :P Anyway, I’m definitely interested to read more! :)  

There were a few things I thought could be improved. But they are only my opinion and therefore feel free to ignore me xD I think it would be more intriguing if you left out the stuff at the beginning saying that the italics were the voice of a God. It’s obvious it’s some unknown entity, so if you left that out the reader could come to the conclusion that they’re some sort of God themselves, you know?

Just some nitpicking of mine, but one of my pet peeves in stories is when words are capitalised to show someone is shouting. I don’t know, I just find it a bit unprofessional. I think an exclamation mark and appropriate dialogue tags are enough. The other thing I thought should be included is the main character’s name. Your author’s note says his name is the same as yours, but I still think it should be mentioned in the actual story somewhere :)

This was an intriguing start. I liked how the main character (I can’t spell his name :P) and his parents accepted Caiden without much drama. I feel like most stories would have gone down that route so that makes yours unique!

One formatting problem I noticed is that there’s no need to put quotation marks around his thoughts. You can just write the words in italics and leave them out. I also felt like the transition between when the main character finds Caiden and when he’s explaining his mission was a little confusing. It felt like an info dump, so I think it would be better if you could incorporate it into the story (where they’re actually talking and doing stuff) instead of having it as a random sequence in between the two parts about him and Caiden. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense, by the way. I’m not very good at explaining stuff. I also think you should put neko in italics, since it’s a foreign word, and perhaps include a definition at the start or end of the story because not all of your readers will be familiar with the Japanese language and know what it means.

Anyway, besides my griping I did find that sequence interesting. I’m not really a religious person or anything so reading a story where the main character is on a mission from the Lord is a new experience for me. I wonder, if he says his mission is to help the dead children, is Caiden dead? He seems pretty alive, but maybe he’s actually a ghost. Anyway, there’s a lot to be curious about!

And I forgot. 256 does have a name, the one his parents came him. That's the one that starts with a G, so if the rebels were to give him a name it would be different. The other main Gifted have names too, although theirs will never be revealed cos they're either dead or don't care to find out. xD I had fun picking them. I tried to pick the names that suited them the least, except for 256's xD Sorry for rambling again.

The thing with a village was a mistake, it should be either from the village or back to the brothel :P Thanks for pointing that out. Haha, I made her say handsome because I thought it would be funny. It’s supposed to be another awkward thing she says, because she’s talking about Alex at first but then switches to talking about herself without thinking it over :P I’m glad you like the awkwardness and stuttering and stuff, I’m always worried people will get annoyed by that xD I’m glad it’s relatable, I find it relatable too. And thanks for pointing out those other errors too. I’ve been really lazy with editing lately, I’m like five chapters behind lol.

I always laugh at romantic moments in books and movies so I can’t blame you for that xD Especially in 256 and Carey’s part, because I wanted it to seem awkward to highlight 256’s inexperience.

The gust of wind thing was something I changed at the last minute. I wrote that part where he is cutting his hair and stuff first and originally that scene occurred in the backroom of the brothel (where Reagan and Janelle were, except at a different time obviously :P). So he just threw his hair into the fireplace before burning the uniform himself. But then I changed it to his room when I wrote the part with Carey, and I only noticed I’d still left in the fireplace when I’d finished writing the chapter and it would be weird for him to have one in his room xD So yeah, I didn’t think that one through very well.

And I am building up to something…. *evil laughter* The reason these chapters have been long is because there’s this event that I’ve been planning for a long time, and I’ve pushed it back a lot already so I don’t want to push it back any more in terms of chapter numbers, and the chapters have lengthened as a result. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense.

My favourite part to write was probably the last part. I was like “my baby is growing up! I’m so proud!” xD But yeah, I’m glad it seemed sudden yet realistic because it was very much a spur of the moment decision for him.

And sorry for all the rambling xD

Lol, I know nothing about the different religions so I wouldn’t pay that much attention to me not knowing that it was because of them hating magic haha :P I can’t account for the religious people, but as an atheist I have never felt offended or anything by the story. I haven’t thought, “OMG, he’s writing about religion! BLASPHEMY!!!!!!”  I think it’s good that you included it, because as you say it’s an important part of different cultures and stuff.

Sorry if I don’t get the satire and stuff all the time, by the way xD I’m one of those people who will read a satirical article and think it’s real until someone’s like, “No, you idiot. It’s a joke!”

The beginning was interesting. I felt really sorry for Clara. I hope she at least confesses to someone what she did, even if she never turns herself into the police or whatever. Maybe if she tells Jacob himself or something, that could help. Still, it’s upsetting how she’s felt the need to change herself to fit in. But it seemed realistic, I certainly know a lot of people who've done that O.o The bit with Mary and Sara was sad too - I was thinking: "Nooo.... Go to the hospital, girl. Get that dude put in jail". But it was realistic that she didn't, because of the trauma and everything. I want to give her a hug :(

I’m not sure why, but I don’t really like Sara that much compared to the others. She just… I honestly can’t explain it xD  I don’t dislike her, but I just get this vibe. I guess I’m like Clara, I just feel I can’t trust her somehow.

I’m kind of confused about Snow’s dilemma with Sara. She keeps saying that she doesn’t want to admit her feelings or whatever, but it seems to me that she does know. Maybe she hasn’t told anyone, but she’s certainly admitted them to herself. Still, poor Jackson. I want to hug him, cos I know he’s either going to get dumped or cheated on. Or both. This is why I don’t like love triangles lol. I always just end up pitying the third wheel.

Oh no, I bet something’s wrong with Ariana. Is that the thing? She was talking about how short life is and stuff, and her regrets... And she was telling Snow that she loved her. That’s classic terminal disease stuff. Nooooo, I’m really sad now :’( :’( :’(

I wonder what the Queen wants the storimhaib for. Maybe she feels her influence over her people is fading, so she wants to use it to control them or whatever like her great-great-great grandmother did. That’s what my theory is at the moment.

Ooohhh so Alan’s grandma calls him storimhaib. Maybe she’s secretly a magic person, and he inherited their powers. So when they find the storimhaib, he will be the only one able to use it or something. Or maybe he is actually the storimhaib! And they’ll go searching all over the world, and then Joy or someone will be like, “Alan, it’s you!” xD Still, I bet they’re not going to do research even if there is only two of them. I’m excited to see what happens as they sail off or whatever to find it.

I liked Kalae :P She reminded me of Riza Hawkeye from FMA. I don’t really know why, as they don’t act alike. Maybe because she’s a female soldier, and seems badass. I liked her and the taxi driver’s feud, it was very entertaining xD I wonder if she’ll warm up to them. I bet she will. That will be heart-warming if it happens. I can imagine it now, she’ll save their life or something, and then they’ll be like, “So you do care about us!” and she’ll be like “Nooooo. I don’t!” But they’ll all know she’s lying. Gosh, I’m sorry about that. I don’t know what’s wrong with me today xD

This is just me and my ignorance but I didn’t really get this. “There were a lot of murmurs among the guests. A lot of Berkozans were Catholic.” Why does them being Catholic mean they are murmuring?

This is picky, but would Joy’s coat fit Alan? I mean, I’m not sure how tall they are (I can’t remember if you mentioned it), but boys are usually taller so wouldn’t it be a bit small? Although I suppose if he doesn’t button it up it would be okay. Lol, sorry for rambling.

And this is even more picky. They must really hate horses in Berkoz to have a small, brown horse pulling the taxi that can carry a decent number of people :P They should have a big, strong horse pulling it, especially if it is actually a car and made of metal. In fact, they should probably have multiple horses. Unless the horse is a magic horse, which is possible xD

Also, I forgot to mention this in my comment for the last chapter, but thanks for putting a pronunciation guide up :)

Wow, this was great! I love how you’ve introduced your characters. I can clearly see how different they are. I think Gwen’s reaction to everything that was happening was great, too. You’ve definitely captured my interest! I like the contrast between Forneus and Phenex. There’s a lot to be curious about – I wonder what the significance of those artifacts is, and who they were talking about at the end.

Once again I really have to praise your descriptions. I can only wish I’ll ever be as good at you!  It’s really easy to picture your story, and it’s so vivid and wonderfully described.

One thing I found odd about the formatting – I didn’t really see the point of having a break after Forneus appeared. It’s not like a separate chapter, and there’s no time skip, so it seemed a bit pointless in my mind to have a gap there. But, I’m sure you have your reasons for it! ^^

I’m sorry for repeating myself, but I still get the feeling that a lot of the sentences are too long. I don’t know, and feel free to ignore me, but I really feel like the story would flow better if they were a bit shorter >.< I mean, some of them take up nearly an entire paragraph by themselves and could easily be split up a bit. I won’t complain about it anymore though.

Thanks for reading, I hope you continue to enjoy the story. If you'd like, I can read one of your stories in return. Let me know which one you'd like! :)

Thanks for the comments! I’m glad you found these chapters interesting ^^ I’m also really happy you liked my descriptions, as they definitely aren’t my strong point.

 Haha, Carey’s resistance was pretty juvenile. I know plenty of eighteen year olds who are more childish than that though xD  I think maturity really does depend on the person, to be honest :P

Thanks again! :D

Hey, sorry for taking so long to get to this! Anyway, it was definitely very interesting. I wonder who the girl is, and why he was watching her or whatever. I suppose she’s probably the protagonist mentioned in the summary, but there’s still a lot to be curious about. Anyway, overall it was a good introduction to the story in only a small amount of words, so well done :)

Your writing style is good. Your descriptions are great, very vivid and captivating. At times it seemed a little repetitive though, especially at the beginning.

There was also a recurring problem I noticed – most of your sentences are very long and wordy. You’ve got about four commas in some of them when they’re really unnecessary, and it disrupts the flow of the story a bit. I’m very guilty of overly long sentences so this is very hypocritical of me, but I think you should break some of them up. But that’s just my opinion so feel free to ignore it!

There were a few errors I noticed as well:

“He had just finishing his hourly log,” finished instead of finishing

“a rush of air ghosting passed his lips” Past instead of passed. I had to read this phrase a few times to make sense of it – I’m still not really sure what it means, to be honest. It seems a strange choice of words.

Yes, 256 is left-handed. I am too, actually! :) I've always written him that way, so he uses the southpaw stance when he's fighting and favours his left arm. But I wouldn't expect anyone to notice those minor details :P It makes it easier for me, because he's the one who does the most hand to hand fighting so I can imagine and write it much easier than when I write about the other characters fighting xD

I'm glad what Thomas did to teach him seemed okay. I'll admit I remember almost nothing about learning to write (expect that I used to struggle to figure out how to write the letters because all of the teachers were right-handed) so I wasn't really sure what to make him do at first xD It took me nearly an hour to figure out that he would probably start with the alphabet :P I think it really is very easy to take learning to read/write for granted in first world countries - here almost everyone knows how to do it from a young age, so it's hard to see how much of a difference it can make for someone. It definitely opens up a lot of doors for him.

Oh no, you’ve figured it all out. I might as well stop writing the story now :P

I’m not really sure how it works, all I know is that I fell down the stairs after bashing into someone like that once :P I don't really know how it happened, to be honest. Lol, sorry about the constant “I mean”. It’s a verbal tic of mine, so I always put it into dialogue without thinking xD I should probably be more careful with stuff like that…

Haha, a love letter xD That’s totally been 256’s secret plan all along. Anyway, I’m glad that the thing with him learning to read was okay. I was trying to remember when I learnt to read/write, but my memories are very fuzzy, so... The only thing I remember is how I often wrote my letters backwards because I’m also left-handed and my teachers were not :P Or maybe that was just me. Anyway, apart from that I made most of it up, and I wasn’t sure if that’s what someone would actually do to teach someone.

As for Hahana’s name, I wanted her and Maui to have foreign-sounding names so I googled “Maori names” (because I really like that language) and then picked ones I liked. I didn’t intentionally pick it to sound like “ha ha ha” :P Anyway, that’s why Zeia is called Zeia, as a small nod to New Zealand. Although it’s nothing like New Zealand, because last time I checked they are certainly not a desert country lol. That’s more like Australia xD

Lol, you don’t talk too much xD I do have a question: Do you think I should split this chapter into two? When I was writing it I kind of felt like there was too much crammed into it, but… I don’t want to push stuff back any further, so I kept it as one. Should I change it or is it okay?

I'm slightly brain dead at the moment but I'll do my best to write a coherent comment xD

Gosh, that was horrible. Poor Mary :( Michael is just… Ugh, words cannot describe how creepy he is. I hope he gets what he deserves at some point. And Emily too. Although her words did make me curious, when she as saying stuff like “you don’t understand” to Sara. I mean, it’s no excuse for what she did but I am wondering what’s going on. Anyway, that part of the chapter was definitely written well - it was horrifying and creepy and nerve wracking when Sara was recording and stuff.

The last few lines made me nervous for Sara as well. I was like: “Oh Sara, don’t tempt fate…” Although I still think she will be the one to die, I doubt Michael will do it after he’s said that. He’s a creep, that he most certainly proved in this chapter, but if Sara dies he’s far too obvious a choice for the killer. Although I have no doubt he’ll be involved somehow. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see though… xD

Anyway, I liked Snow’s part at the beginning as well. There were more mood whiplashes in this chapter, that's for sure :P It’s nice to see Alana and Sophia again. Now I see why Sophia will have a role in this story, since she’s a detective xD One thing I thought was odd – wouldn’t Sophia have kept her old last name? I mean, she was pretty old when she was orphaned, so… I feel like if I were in her position, I would have kept my old last name. But that’s probably just me.

Yay, I finally have time to read this :D This chapter was definitely the best so far. There was a lot of stuff to be curious about - I wonder why the Queen wants them to steal magic, and why she chose people who don’t like her and the way she rules the country to do it. I suppose she must have her reasons :P The ending as definitely very interesting though - she's definitely a cunning one, that Queen. I’m excited for the next chapter to see what happens.

Gakk is interesting too – I wonder if he’ll follow Joy or something and sneak onto a ship or whatever with them when they go off to find magic if they go on a ship. I feel kind of wary about him – I’m not sure why, I just get a strange vibe from him. Especially when he was slashing the knife around, that made me nervous for some reason. But I'm probably being overly suspicious. But then Joy said she thought he was a bit "off" so maybe I'm not xD

I also liked Joy and Alan’s meeting too – I laughed when she said: "You just looked like such an interesting person, I had to come over and say hi.” I don’t know why I just found that funny :P Still, I’m glad they made friends and stuff. I wonder what will happen in the future. I did find it strange when the Queen was like: “Aww you two are so cute together”. That sounds like something a thirteen year old girl would say lol, not a woman in her thirties :P I think she’d be more subtle, like maybe give them a pointed look or something. But then, I’m not over thirty so I wouldn’t know.

Your descriptions in this chapter were very good, especially of all the different foods and of the castle as well. Although sometimes I found the sentences to be a little short and a little repetitive, as you were using the same thing to describe the first part of sentences, like here: “No buildings or anything. No snow though.” But overall they were really good.

I was also a little confused when Joy was talking about her future: “Either I would be a silly competitive woman who always tried to prove my superiority over men, or someone who just sat there and didn't interact with any guys.” I was kind of confused that she thought those were her only two options. I mean, surely most of the people in Berkoz don’t act like the people on the mountain were acting. People have parents and stuff, so boys and girls must get along sometimes. I don’t know why, that part just confused me.  I don’t think I really got the significance of that scene. But I’m kind of braindead at the moment so that’s probably why :P

Thanks so much for the comments! And you don’t have to worry about discouraging me. I’m a big girl, I can take it :P Thanks for pointing out those things. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the story :) I'll try and read a story of yours in return, although i have exams right now so it probably won't be for at least a week.

Hmmm… It’s hard to say when I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, but I suppose you should put the history where it makes sense to put it – I don’t think you need to put it right from the beginning or anything, but if you put little bits here and there then the flow would be spared :P But, as I said it’s hard to judge at this point. Anyway I’d definitely be interested to read about it.

I guess stuff about the pronunciation would be good, but I don’t think it’s necessary to put translations, especially when the character doesn’t understand. Cos even if Alan or someone can’t speak it, he’d probably know what it sounded like or whatever. I liked how you’ve done it so far, where some sentences were translated (like with Joy’s bit) but then not the parts in Alan’s because he didn’t understand. But, even if I don’t understand it could be useful to know how to pronounce it so I can imagine what the characters sound like and stuff.

Sorry for taking ages to read this O.o And I’m sorry if this comment is really confusing or something, I’m tired xD

Anyway, I really liked this chapter. The beginning was really interesting, and revealed quite a lot about Alan. It’s kind of sad how he’s confused by his purpose in life and stuff. I liked it because it seemed realistic that someone his age would be confused about that kind of stuff. Hopefully the mission or whatever will help him. I also found it interesting because I’ve never been to a church in my life, so it was interesting to see what it’s like. Although I suppose a Berkozan (is that right?) church would be different from a real life one.  

I wonder what it was that made them choose Joy and Alan and (presumably) others. I mean, it said they were recommended by people and stuff, but there must be something that connects them. Maybe it’s the fact they both have feelings of rebellion and dislike the Queen, but then it would be strange for her to pick them for that reason :P Unless she’s secretly a rebel herself. Anyway, I’m really excited to see what she’s like and if there are any other people chosen. The letter said there was a “handful” chosen, so  think there will be more than the two of them.

I felt the thing with the letter in Alan's part was a little random. At first I thought I’d somehow missed a big scene where he was given the letter, and I went to check the beginning and the last chapter too, but there was nothing. I think there should be a scene where he gets given it or something instead of just him remembering he had it. I know Joy got one too so that’s likely what happened to him, but still, when I read that part before I got to hers I was really confused xD Also, why would the Queen entrust her male servant who hates her to write an important letter? Wouldn’t she get someone she knew and trusted? I did find that funny though :P When I read it I was going to complain that the Queen would never write a letter like that and then the soldier guy was like “the servant wrote it” :P Heheheh.

This is really picky, but if Alan was couldn’t understand the Rúsdkotl that Father Aenig was speaking, then how was he able to accurately hear the words he was using? When I hear a language I don’t understand I know I can’t hear the words that well, it all just blends into one :P But, as I said that’s really picky of me so it’s probably not worth changing or anything.

Here are some strange things I found:

“I hesitating, hoping”.

“What made you think that?" I don’t know if this is just me but given the context of the conversation I think “what makes you think that?” would be better.

“thinking about what my purpose was in life.” This seemed a little awkward to me, I think it would sound better if it was something like “wondering what my purpose was in life”. But that might just be me and my weirdness.

And feel free to ask questions and stuff. I always forget to say that :P

This was a very interesting chapter. Michael seems very creepy, and I wonder what Sara’s plan is… I’m sure it will go wrong, but still. It’s all very intriguing. Anyway, I’m certain that some interesting things will be happening at this party :P

Perhaps it’s just her low self-esteem or something, but Mary doesn’t sound like the sort of person who’d fade away (judging by her appearance). I mean, black hair and grey eyes… That’s quite a striking combination, especially since black hair really isn’t all that common for Caucasian people (I’m assuming she’s Caucasian :P). Anyway, even if she’s short and stocky or plain looking you’d think that would make her stand out just a little bit :P Or maybe I just really like that combination lol.

Anyway, overall I liked Mary. I liked her more than Sara, cos I thought she seemed a little arrogant at times. Not that I didn’t like her, I just liked Mary more :P And I felt sorry for her (Sara). Although, I was a little confused about her family’s situation. I mean, she said she hated her mum and stepdad and that her house was full of misery, but what about her brother? She seemed to like him, so her family life can’t be 100% miserable. I was kind of confused about that :P

After the last part, I think Sara’s probably going to be the one to be murdered. After all, she’s obviously poking into things, that’s a pretty dangerous thing to do… I think Mary is also a possibility, but at the moment my bet’s on Sara.

By the way, I might be wrong, but wasn’t one of Kayla’s friends called Nikki as well?

Overall, I really enjoyed this. The characters are interesting, although we don’t know much about them yet. I wonder how Alan/Max and Joy are going to meet (if they do. I’m assuming they do :P). I’m really curious about what Joy was doing stealing weapons or whatever. And when she said she’d done it before, that was interesting. Plus she seems to have rebellious views, since she doesn’t hate boys and instead gives them bread when they’re starving. Anyway, I’m excited to learn more and about them, and the world. I really liked the description in this chapter, and the small sprinkles of information about Berkoz when Alan was in the classroom. I wonder who those people were that made everyone speak English… xD

I thought it was funny when Alan said that most of the kids only know swear words of the Berkozan language. And it’s realistic, too, the sort of thing I can imagine really happening in that situation lol. It’s kind of sad that their language is becoming more unknown, but that’s realistic too in conquered nations or whatever, if that's what they are.

I also thought it was kind of cool (well, not cool for Alan and the other guys, but you know what I mean) that in their society males are the ones who are looked down upon, even though traditionally it’s females who are the more powerless ones or whatever. I wonder if in the rest of the world sees men as more powerful, or whether they are more equal. I think it would be interesting if they saw men as more powerful, to see what the characters would think if they went there.

One thing that confused me, was when Alan said: “Another wave of nausea swept over me.” He hadn’t mentioned feeling nauseous before, only yawning and nearly falling asleep, so I don’t know where the other waves of nausea were :P

Also, why didn’t anyone try and stop him when he left the classroom? Wasn’t he supposed to be learning? If I were his teacher I would have gone, “get back here, ya rascal” or words to that effect :P I know he did it quietly but surely someone would have noticed. Or Mr Draver would be (even if it was just a little) mad at him when he came to find him later.

Here were a few weird wordings I noticed: “White moonlight and the soft orange glow of the candles lighting up the classroom” and “Everybody else was seemed eager to learn”. Oh, and when Joy was grabbed by the man at first I thought it was her saying “who are you” so when she spoke next I got a bit confused.

Overall I thought this was a really interesting first chapter. I think you did a good job of introducing the characters (the ones we didn’t know already :P). I especially liked Clara, and I felt really bad for her (as well as Jacob) at the end. I can only imagine how much guilt she’s probably feeling. Still, hopefully his condition isn’t permanent. But I have a feeling it probably will be.

Brad also really intrigued me. I can tell he’s probably going to be important later, so I wonder what his role will be. I bet he’ll be a suspect in the murder or something, but he won’t have actually done it. Oh! Or maybe he’s a guide or something, like Rose :P That might be a bit far-fetched of a guess from the few lines about him there has been so far, but whatevs :P

Something I wondered when I was reading this chapter was whether Snow knows about Adrian. I don’t know, it didn’t come up so I was curious :P I wonder how you’d bring up something like that in a conversation.

One thing I thought seemed odd, was that Snow refers to both Kayla and Ariana Mum. Wouldn’t that get confusing? Personally if I were her I’d call one Mama or something :P But I don’t actually know anyone with two mothers, so I really have no idea what someone would do in that situation, plus I'm an easily confused person :P

Another thing. I like Snow, but… She seems almost too perfect, in a way. Beautiful, smart, modest… And she’s nice too, and non-judgemental or whatever. Plus she has a nice family and they’re super rich and everything. And she’s probably going to be the centre of a love triangle as well. I don’t know, perhaps that was intentional, seeing as the summary says her life is perfect, but I don’t really find her that relatable because of that.

Hahahahahahhahhahahahahahaha: “You know nothing, Snow” xD xD xD

Samantha asks if Carey’s feeling unwell because, when she saw the shiny blue Reagan (which was earlier that day), she was acting weird then. Samantha asked her if she was feeling okay back in chapter 7, and now that she’s come back after her chitchat with Reagan (which Samantha thought was her going back to the brothel cos she was sick) but still acting weird she asks if she’s okay again. But that was quite a few chapters ago, so I should probably make it clearer, along with the setting and stuff :P

Well, I didn’t deliberately make Reagan telling Janelle about Samantha’s thing an attempt to win her over, but it does kind of seem like that now I think about it… Heheh. That would be a bit douchebaggy of him :P I should definitely change that. And Samantha is acting a tad jealous, isn’t she… xD

And you’re not exactly “supposed” to know what 256 is upset about, but… To be honest, there isn’t really anything in particular :P Carey’s confused because she doesn’t fully understand the impact leaving the Gifted has had on him – she thinks he should be happy, because he’s free now or whatever, and she doesn’t get why he would be as upset about it as he is. Plus, she’s kind of used to being the centre of his attention, so when he acts more distant like he did she thinks something is wrong. But it was kind of mean of him to slam the door in her face :P

Aww, now I’ll never get to know what happened to the characters :( Still, I look forward to reading your new story.

So much has happened it’s hard to believe only a year has passed in the story :P At the start, they were both alone and hiding from something, but now… As I said before I really admire the development of both Kayla and Ariana. I also like how believable their love and romance and stuff was. I think a lot of people like me struggle with that, and I’ve certainly read many books where I didn’t find the character’s love convincing, but in this story I was convinced from the beginning even if I thought they were moving too fast at the start :P I guess now I’ve read to the end that doesn’t bother me that much, because it worked so well.

Anyway, overall I thought this chapter was a good end to the story. The final scene with Snow (both the person and the, er… weather condition :P) was really nice and heart-warming, and a really nice place to end the story. After all the sad stuff that’s happened, it’s nice to end on a happy note.

There was something I found odd in this chapter, though. Maybe it’s just me and my accent, but the way I’d say titular and, er, tit, don’t sound very similar :P I found it kind of weird that Kayla was talking about that, even though they sound different when said aloud. If she’d written it down, I could understand… I don’t really know why I found that weird, but I did :P It’s probably just me xD

Anyway, I’m really looking forward to reading the sequel, and curious about what will happen. I hope there’s more about the supernatural stuff, I’m really interested in that, as well as seeing what the characters get up to :3

I’m not sure how I really felt about this chapter. I mean, it was sweet, and provokes thoughts about an interesting “what if” situation… But that was kind of overshadowed because I spent most of the time feeling sorry for Alana. I mean, in this chapter, there were things that Cooper said that made me feel like she was some sort of consolation prize to Ariana. Like when he said “I could have had the hot redhead” (I know that was a joke, but still…) or when talking about why he was glad he never told Ariana before he talked about not wanting to change what Kayla and Ariana have but he didn’t mention Alana… And in that other chapter too, where he gave Ariana that necklace even though he was meant to give it to the girl he was going to marry.

Anyway, I guess I’m confused about how I’m meant to feel about this. Don't get me wrong, I thought it was nice and the bittersweet feeling was really well portrayed, I just felt uncomfortable about it because of the stuff I mentioned. Sorry for being, annoying, by the way. Perhaps I’m being too narrow-minded >.<

I like that Ariana is going to run his bookstore. Not only because it keeps his memory alive, but it gives Ariana something to do other than raising Snow. I think she’d be really good at it too.

Also, this is something that I’ve thought of a few times but keep forgetting to mention: Why is Cooper’s bookstore called Detroit Books? I mean, to me that seems more like small country town thing to name a store after the place… I certainly have never heard of anywhere called “Perth books” where I live :P Naming it after the suburb or street I could understand, but not the whole city. Surely there are heaps of bookstores in Detroit (although I wouldn’t know :P). I don’t know, that struck me as odd. Sorry again for complaining so much.

Thanks for the comment! And don’t worry about taking a while. And thanks for pointing out those things. I was being really lazy when I wrote this chapter…. (Excuses, excuses) ;)

I wouldn’t say Carey nearly cut his throat :P She threatened him because he scared her, but I doubt she would have gone through with it. And Reagan did know about her Gift before this chapter. I don’t think I ever wrote him finding out about it, but I guess someone must have told him :P Or maybe he saw a shiny blue Carey before that time in the forest and figured it out for himself. Maybe I should add someone telling him in when I get to rewriting that part of Gifted, that could be some good foreshadowing.

As for Janelle, she’s upset about Marvin’s death. There was supposed to be a thing about it at the end of the chapter from her POV, but it didn’t fit so I worked it into the next one… Anyway, that’s probably why the timing at the ending is confusing O.o Thomas is upset too, and that’s partly why he overreacted so much when that innkeeper was being rude.

Anyway, with 913 (I assume that’s who you meant by water lady even though she has an Air Gift :P) it’s similar to 805 and Michelle – as far as 256 knows, she is alive, but considering it’s been a long time since they saw each other she could very well have died since then. But, perhaps she is still alive... xD

I’m glad both Ariana and Kayla lived. I thought they would, but there was still that tension… Anyway, the first part of this chapter was really sad. Cooper :’( I thought it was interesting the way Alana had a similar reaction to his death that Kayla had when she thought Ariana was going to die… I guess she and Kayla have quite a bit in common :P I really liked that part when they were talking, because it showed how much Kayla has grown since then. Same with what Destiny was saying about how she tried to talk down Tricia, instead of kill her. I didn’t really think of that at the time, but she was right. Overall I think you really have done a great job with Ariana and Kayla’s development in this story, and it’s probably my favourite part.

Anyway onto the supernatural stuff! I think it’s a cool idea, with everybody having something they have to do before they die. And the guides too. I never would have thought Rose was dead lol. I thought there might be something supernatural about her, since she kept conveniently showing up but that I never would have guessed There’s still so much I want to know about Destiny and Fate, but I feel like I’m going to have to wait to the sequel to find out if I ever do :P I was especially interested when Destiny said Kayla and Snow would have stuff to do still… Particularly Kayla, since you’d think she’d be done already… I guess Ariana changing her attitude must be involved somehow, and I’m really interested to see what will happen.

One thing I thought, was that this chapter was very long and I think it might have been more suspenseful if you split it up. Because at the start, I was really sad over Cooper’s death and everything, and there were all the characters’ reactions to that which were really heartbreaking (especially Alana’s). But then by the end of the chapter he appeared again, even if it was as a guide… I don’t know, I feel like his reappearance would have more impact if it happened in a separate chapter to the one where you find out he’s dead. I’m not really sure why, tbh :P

Thanks for the comment! Haha, I wouldn’t count on him figuring it out any time soon :P He’s nowhere near savvy enough for that.

Anyway, I’m glad that Janelle’s feelings about his death were okay in this chapter >.< I was mostly worried that people would think I forgot about him if it wasn’t in the last one, but I suppose it doesn’t really matter if it’s in this one. But yeah, Janelle has changed a lot since then… And particularly since Marvin was the one to help her get out of that moping phase it would almost be an insult to his memory if she broke down like that again :P

Lol, I had to throw in that line :P It was too ironic to resist…

Argh, you did again! But worse this time!

So, both Kayla and Ariana were possibly fatally injured… At the moment I think Ariana’s definitely going to live (cos her injuries are more plausibly survivable) and Kayla… I think she’ll live, but I think there’s more of a chance she’ll die. I’m sure at least one will live, if not both, and my bet is Ariana. Anyway, the whole chapter was so tense and emotional, especially the ending. I was nearly in tears at the ending (and I’m not usually a crier when I read stuff, so that’s a very big feat).

And Cooper, no! :’( :’( :’( He’s the only one I’m certain is dead after the chapter. I mean, he was shot in the chest, and was still… He’s definitely dead, and it’s so unexpected... I’m so depressed! I think Ariana’s going to live, so I wonder how she’ll cope with his loss. And Alana, of course. Whatever happens, I’m sure these last few chapters are going to be depressing. And if Kayla/Ariana dies as well… I’m definitely not prepared for the feels :’(

Anyway, Tricia’s identity was certainly a surprise. I must admit I had completely forgotten about her… Still, it’s interesting how all the events are connected. I’d never imagined that Dwayne would still have an effect on the story all these chapters after his death, but now this has happened. I felt kind of sorry for her, even though I hate her now for possibly killing them.

Although I admire Kayla for trying to talk Tricia down, some of the things she said definitely weren’t the brightest. I mean, a girl comes after you wanting revenge for the murder of her boyfriend, it’s probably not best to tell her about what a monster he was (even if it’s true, it’s not like she was going to believe her) >.< But then, I don’t really know what else Kayla could have said to convince her, so I think it was realistic that she would say those things. I guess she just had to take the chance to see if Tricia would respond, but she didn’t… :(

Ahhhhh! What a mood whiplash again! You seem really good at those :P The first chapter was so sweet, so happy, just like the last one… I was expecting something bad to happen before the end, but I never thought it would be in this chapter (although, admittedly the title was rather ominous :P). The happy speeches and dances and everything lulled me into a false sense of security, I guess :P

Anyway, as I said the ending was definitely unexpected and intriguing. Who is this girl, and why does she apparently hate Kayla so much? I’m so afraid for both of them, but I have a feeling they’ll both make it out alive, somehow. I don’t know why, I just get that feeling :P

One thing I found odd, was that it didn’t seem to take Penny much to start to forgive Byron. I mean, sorry for using my own experience or whatever, but my parents are divorced (and they ended on pretty bad terms, probably worse than Penny and Byron, but still) and it would take A LOT more time for my mum to forgive my dad then it took for Penny to forgive him. I mean, I could understand Penny forgiving and seeing him as a good person or whatever him eventually, but I found it strange when she was telling him he just made mistakes and stuff now. Sure maybe after a long time, and a bit more motive, I could see it, but right now… I don’t know, I just think she would need more to start forgiving him than just seeing him walk the girls down the aisle whatever. My brother even got married and my parents could barely stand to look at each other at his wedding, so…

 I’m sorry for ranting and being annoying, by the way. It was way longer than I meant it to be :P As I said I’m kind of biased, so my opinion probably isn’t that valid… Both of the girls’ (Alana and Kayla) reactions and opinions about their father I found realistic though. I like how they differ, too.

Haha, sorry for rushing you… Take as much time as you want :) I don’t really mind about the drafts. I’ll read them if you post them, but if you want to change it or whatever then I’ll read it later :D

And I don’t think there was anything immature in the last two chapters.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Sorry, couldn’t help myself xD Anyway, this chapter was great. The wedding as a whole was great, very romantic and satisfying after all the girls have been through. It definitely gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside, that’s for sure ;)

Firstly, Cooper and Ariana's moment at the beginning. That was definitely one of my favourite bits. I don't know why, because my brothers don't really act like that, but Cooper reminds me of them :P  I felt kind of bad for Alana though, that she didn't get the necklace he was supposed to be saving for his wife lol.

Kayla’s dad showing up was sweet. Kinda cliché cos he showed up just in time and walked them down the aisle or whatever, but it was the good kind of cliché, if you know what I mean :P I’m glad he did appear. It’s nice that he’s been given a second chance from Kayla.

And of course, their vows. I’m not the most sentimental of people but those definitely brought a tear to my eye ;) I find that a lot of people (including myself, most definitely) really struggle to make characters say romantic things and actually seem convincing and like something someone could actually say, and I think you did a really good job. Their vows were very touching and realistic, as was them kissing each other multiple times before they were meant to :P

It was kind of funny at the end when Penny wasn’t sure what to say. That’s something I never would have thought about, haha. I guess wife and wife does sound a bit weird. There's too much repetition, so saying that they’re wed is probably better :P

Hehe, even though I knew it was unlikely I was still half expecting someone to die for the whole wedding :P I’ve obviously been reading/watching too much GoT…

I think this was a good epilogue. I’m kind of sad that Xavier and Jason weren’t in it, but then I suppose Jason’s still probably healing :P

Overall I have really enjoyed this book. I think it’s definitely better written than Hunting Amaatlik (and that one was really good to begin with). There were lots of interesting plot developments, and the development of the characters (Sadie and Bianca in particular) was great too. The main thing I could suggest for this chapter is to maybe make it a bit longer? As I said I was kinda disappointed not to see Jason and Xavier, but perhaps you’re waiting till the next book for a reason, and if so feel free to ignore me :P

I felt really sorry for Sadie. And Amisto’s dead… I know he probably died of old age, but it’s still sad. I liked him :( I hope they manage to get back to their time, but I have a feeling that they won’t. I wonder what happened to Xavier and Jason’s parents. They might not be dead, but their sons have been missing for so long… There are so many questions, like who killed Jason (surely it wasn’t just Alex…) that still haven’t been answered, and I’m really excited to find out more.

This chapter left me with a bit of a depressed feel (not in a bad way). I really want to know what’s going to happen next, but I have no more to read! :( Are you gonna post the next one soon, or…?

Personally I don’t like this chapter very much… Mostly because there was originally a part from Janelle’s POV which dealt with her feelings over Marvin’s death, but 256 and Carey’s parts just got so long that I thought it just didn’t fit… I’m going to work it into the next chapter, but I’m worried that it should be in this chapter… O.o

Hahahaha that was the best quote ever! Now I feel sad… Sirius :’(

Haha, I was right about Calvin! Well, sort of :P He didn’t die, but he’s been separated from them… Poor guy, he just can’t catch a break. I wonder what will happen now he’s separated from them. Maybe the next book will be about finding Calvin instead of Jason :P And I was right about Joe/Sotekh too. I guess he really is Sadie’s dad…

And Sadie’s mum! I like the symbolism with the mask and stuff (if that was symbolism. It seemed like it :P). It’s sad how she’s been corrupted by Death or whatever, even though she saved Sadie before and obviously cared about her. I thought it was kind of mean of Death to just make Sadie’s dad an orisk for apparently not loving her enough. I mean he was killed before, so he didn’t get a chance to sacrifice his life for her or whatever. But then, I suppose it was good in a way because then he didn’t get corrupted and was still himself andl loved Sadie when she showed up later.

Still, I’m kind of glad in a way that Sadie’s mum was mean and telling her that she was saying it wasn’t fair that Sadie got to live. I mean, it would have been totally cliché if she’d been like, “OMG, Sadie!!! I love you so much and I’ll never leave you!!! Please, have your friend back with no cost whatsoever!” The way it was way more interesting.  Still, I hope she appears again (and Sotekh too) and gets away from Death so she can be the person she was that loved Sadie and saved her life. When she managed to be separate a few times during their fight, she seemed like a nice person.

Anyway, I’m really curious what’s going to happen now. Jason will be back, but in a bad condition… I’m happy they managed to save him, even though the costs were pretty high. And going back forty years in the future is definitely going to be interesting O.o I guess they’ll all be like Bianca in a way now, with all their friends and family dead/old.

Overall I really liked this chapter, and I think it was a great climax with for the story. There were lots of tense moment, some shocking things (Sadie’s mum) and more psychological turmoil. Maybe Death and Amaatlik are connected, cos they were both messing with Sadie’s mind. Overall I think you’ve done a good job with the climax of the story, and I’m really curious to see how it will all end :)

I found it odd when Sadie’s mum said that when she and her father had found out Sadie was born… Wouldn’t she already know, seeing as she kind of had to be present? xD I think it would be better to say that she found out she was pregnant or that Sadie was going to be born or something. Or just said “after you were born we were afraid for you”.

Also, when Xavier was counting steps he skipped from 1239 to 1345 in what I thought was a short space of time :P Either he’s a ninja or maybe it was just a typo and meant to be 1245?

I really want to read the next chapter, but I’ve got class in like ten minutes O.o I’ll definitely read it when I get home tonight! Anyway, that was a lot of rambling, but I’ve probably missed out lots of stuff… Feel free to ask any questions!

Haha, it’s funny you should mention George R. R. Martin… Pretty much the whole time I was writing this chapter and the ones preceding it, I was split 50/50 on whether to kill Marvin… His death wasn’t 100% necessary for the story to continue, so it was really difficult for me to kill him. I kept trying to think of ways to get out of it, but then I thought that if I didn’t kill him George R. R. Martin would think me weak if he in some alternate universe ever read this story :P And so, I made my choice…

O.o I just realised that GRRM and I have the same initials. Except my middle name doesn’t start with an R, but both of my sisters have names starting with R… Lol, that’s a funny coincidence. Sorry for rambling, by the way. I'll get back on topic.

Anyway, when I started to write this story it was soon after I  marathoned all seven seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer for the first time. So when I created Marvin, Giles was definitely a major influence :P Anyway, I’m glad that his death had an effect on you, and that you thought it was a good decision writing-wise. On my fictionpress account I think one of my reviewers thought I’d just killed him off for the shock factor… Which isn’t true at all, and hopefully the next chapter will clear things up for them O.o

Gifted was pretty light in terms of deaths of major characters, I don’t really know why. It just kind of ended up that way that the only important characters who died were the semi-villainous ones (3349, 440) and the sacrificial lambs whose deaths were planned before their debut (James, Emma, Rosa). But there will be a lot more deaths of major, established characters from now on. Anyway, be afraid. Be very afraid :P

I’m busy with school plus I'm really stuck on the next chapter, so it’s probably going to be a while until I can post it… As for reading more of my stories, don’t worry about it. The only other stories I have are short ones anyway :P

Hi, sorry for the long time between comments. I probably should be able to comment more midway through next week, after my test. Tonight procrastination has gotten the better of me, so here I am :P

Anyway, I really liked the bit where Kayla decided to forgive her dad, and her reasons for why she wanted to. I hope he does show up for their wedding, I’m sure it will be heart-warming. I must say, I’m curious to see what he’s like… I really hope they can make up, because aside from Cooper there aren’t really any positive regular male characters in the story (I mean, Dr Pinder and others are nice guys but they don’t appear much).

I liked Kayla's thoughts about getting married too, and her fear at failing at (and being a mum too). I hope Kayla can surprise herself and do well at both of those things.

At this moment, I’m really not sure what to expect. After Game of Thrones I half expect something bad to happen at their wedding, a death or two maybe, but then that’s probably too obvious :P So I think they’ll probably get married first, and then something bad will happen. Overall I really liked this chapter. I enjoyed the humour with all of Kayla’s friends, and I’m definitely looking forward to the next one.

Sorry for the long time in between comments. I’m not an expert or anything, but I thought the fight scenes in this chapter were really well written and exciting. I especially liked the part where Bianca was using water magic, that was really cool. I like how you shared all the awesome moments among the main characters, so Sadie, Xavier and Bianca have all gotten their fights and done good things to help them through. And Skylos as well, but those guys have done more in my opinion :P Anyway, I’m glad that you spread things around instead of having just one dominate, as they all have their strengths and weaknesses.

Oh, and I really like Bianca’s development in this book. I think you did that really well, and this chapter definitely showed how far she has come. And this chapter reminded me, since Xavier mentioned it… I wonder if we’ll find out what’s up with Alex and if he was really the one who wanted to kill Jason and stuff in this book. I mean, there’s only two chapters left, it doesn’t seem enough time… I’m really curious about that, but I don’t mind waiting to find out :P

One bit of the fight that I think could use a bit more description was  when Mirg was hit by Xavier’s dart gun or whatever – I know it’s probably meant to be unclear what happens until they notice the dart in his chest, but I feel you could have described it better than just him raising his eyebrows and falling to his knees. Especially because raising eyebrows isn’t usually something that I usually associate with someone being shot, so when I first read that line I thought he was about to make a sarcastic quip or something :P Perhaps you could describe the sound of the dart hitting him, or something like that  :P I think it would be more dramatic that way.

Also, I know this was probably part of the humour, but I don’t see how someone could mistake blood for red water :P I mean, blood is way thicker and not clear at all. Also, considering about 80% of blood is water she would probably have still been able to control it, so it still could have been blood even though Sadie was like, "it must be water". Sorry for being so nerdy, by the way :P

Haha, I can’t really say why I changed the Leader’s gender yet. It’s not that big a deal, but I feel I should probably wait :3 Luckily she/he hadn’t appeared much yet, so even though it was tedious to change it there wasn’t too much that I had to do.

Surprisingly no one seemed to guess that he had the Gift of Stealth. A lot of people thought he was Gifted, which didn’t surprise me, but no one ever seemed to raise that possibility :P Carey has lost her originality but (hopefully) it won’t matter so much… Reagan is really important to the plot of this book, although hopefully not in a way people would expect. Anyway, he’s definitely the character who gives me the most headaches, so I hope I can pull off his role okay :P

Wooo! Go Sadie! I was happy that she got to do some fighting, in this chapter and the last. The main complaint I have about her sword fighting scene was that it was kind of short, but the rest of the chapter was really interesting so it’s not that big a deal. I just like action and blood :P

I must admit I’d forgotten completely about the orisk who called Sadie a princess. And now he seems awfully concerned for her wellbeing, more so than any of the others. Maybe they’re related. Maybe he’s her dad or something and was a human once, and that’s why he called her princess (because of that thing where apparently dads call their daughters princesses, although I can’t say I’ve ever experienced it myself :P). If so, I wonder why he left her alone if he seems to care about her. But then, I’m more inclined to think he’s using the royalty term for the word, so maybe not. Or maybe he is, and he’s secretly a king or something. Anyway, sorry for rambling.

It made me feel sad when Sadie was holding onto the journal to remember Jason. Even when she was fighting, she kept hold of it. That made me feel really sorry for Sadie, and I really hope they can get Jason back without many issues.

But, I doubt it will happen that easily. If they get Jason back, something has to be given up, most likely Calvin’s life. I don’t hate Calvin at all, I just feel like he’s definitely going to die at some point so I’m avoiding getting too attached to him :P I feel sorry for him and want him to escape from the pearl and live, but I don’t think he’s going to :P

I wonder why he has a last name though. But then, his name is different sounding, so perhaps he’s from another country where they have last names. Or maybe everyone in the underworld has them, I don’t know :P

“looked up at me and beamed” Here Xavier’s name is missing.

Heheh… To be honest I made those names up on the spot :P Although Zeia does have a bit of thought behind it – I wanted them to have foreign sounding names, and I’ve always really liked the Maori language, so I gave them Maori names… Although the country itself is not based of New Zealand in any way (it’s certainly not a desert :P) the name Zeia is kind of a nod to that. But Tarantis I just made up, without much thought :P

Lol, It’s kind of sad that a nice and happy 805 is weird :P Although, if he was going to be nice and happy he’d show it in a very different way.

And Reagan can never catch a break, can he? xD

Lol, a town with a name like Mistbrook Falls you just know something’s up there :P No matter how much real estate agents lampshade it, there must be something sinister lurking in that town :P

Haha, it’s funny how Kayla’s going to write this book. I wonder if she will get it published someday ;) Anyway, I like that they decided to buy the house. I never really thought about it, but a warehouse really isn’t that safe a place for a kid :P And if they have a new house, then they can get a fresh start or whatever. I don’t know much about Detroit but I guess that probably isn’t the safest city either.  

One thing that confused me was why Ariana wanted to lay his ashes there. I mean, it seemed like she had never been there before, and neither had he as far as I know, so it’s not a place of significance to him… And if she just wanted to scatter his ashes somewhere peaceful, how would she have found out about it? Did she just google suitable ashes laying spots? :P

Anyway, things are just too happy at the moment. They’ve got Snow back, Adrian’s dead, they’re planning their future. Something’s going to happen soon, I can feel it :P

I liked this chapter a lot. You always seem to think of the most original things, I’m always surprised haha. Like in this chapter with cool racing bunny things :P I’m kind of sad though, because there’s only 4 chapters left after this one.

I liked that Sadie was the one to save them this time. Giving the bunnies wings was a cool idea, and effective. She’s my favourite character still. I guess after her it’s Xavier. Or Bianca. I can’t choose xD I think all your characters are well thought out and original, and their interactions are always fun to read about. I’m super excited to see what happens next.

I’m also curious how the pearl thingy works. Is it like a wand, because she was able to use magic with it? I feel bad for Calvin (not that I didn’t before) if he’s stuck in a wand-like thingy again. Hopefully he can get out of this one as well, if he doesn’t sacrifice his life to save Jason. Anyway, I like how Bianca was all protective of it, that was a good detail considering she’s the only one who knows that Calvin’s in there.

Something that confused me: I know it was a joke, but when Xavier guessed the distance of the skeletons: “37 feet, 9 inches, 3 centimeters and a millimeter.” It confused me that you switched between the metric and the imperial system, because 3 centimetres is more than an inch anyway so why wouldn’t he just say an extra inch? :P I also found it strange when Sadie said the bunnies were “living organisms”. I think it would be more natural for her to say they were animals.

I was also kind of confused about Bianca’s brochure. Wouldn’t she have been there thirty years ago, no thirteen? Or did she just say thirteen because it’s unlucky (although, it’s my lucky number :P)

Here is some strange wording I found: “We spit it out of our mouths and brushed it off our bodies.” You changed tenses in this sentence.

I’m glad that Hahana and Maui captured your heart easily. Particularly Maui. I must talk a lot, because I really struggled with his characterisation when he can’t talk much :P Still, I had a good time writing about them.

Anyway, thanks for the comment! The next chapter was an… interesting one to write, shall we say :P

Hehe, I looked it up. It is a really pretty song, but so sad.... It reminds me of this song I sung in choir once many eons ago. I feel depressed now. Still, definitely appropriate.

I really liked Ariana and Adrian’s goodbye. I’m not entirely sure if he understands what he did was wrong, but it did seem like he understood that he had hurt her… When he said he didn’t want to talk about it and stuff. I guess that even though he’s kind of crazy, he still does have feelings and stuff. I think that’s good, because it would have been so much easier to just make him completely and utterly evil up until his last moments, but I like it better when villains have depth. So good job :D

Anyway, despite that I’m glad he died. I think Ariana’s reaction to the whole thing was realistic – she wanted to see him before he died and say goodbye, but at the same time I think her relief and gladness over his death was realistic. Now she can get on with her life and be a mother to Snow without having the fear of him doing something to her (Snow) hanging over her.

I’m kind of sad I couldn’t hear the melody when Ariana was singing :P Is it a real song, or a made up one? I can’t say I recognise the lyrics. Still, it was nice that she finally managed to remember it when the moment counted.

I’m interested now, about the Jason/Rusdeq. Well, I was interested before but now I’m even more interested :P I mean, Bianca said that they couldn’t grab people, but he grabbed Xavier… Perhaps they have just gotten stronger, or maybe it was something else. I don’t think it was the real Jason, but maybe it’s some other sort of magical thing. Or maybe I’m reading too much into things haha.

Aww, it was so sad when Sadie and Co. found about Jason being dead. Still, it was nice of them to have a friendship moment and continue on their journey anyway. I wonder when they’ll find out about Calvin too, cos Bianca didn’t mention him. I still think he’s going to sacrifice himself or die somehow. I really don’t know why I’m so convinced :P

But I’m kind of confused about the whole Jason being alive/dead thing. I mean, whether he’s really alive or dead… He’s still trapped in the underworld, so does it make a difference? I suppose it might be harder for them to get him back if he’s dead, but it would probably still be hard if he’s really alive anyway. I guess I’m kind of confused about what the rules are.

Also, why was Skylos sleeping? Did he just get there really early or something before the rest of them? :P It seemed weird to me that he would randomly go to sleep in the middle of their mission. I don't know why, I just found that strange.

I didn’t enjoy this chapter as much as the last two, but I did still like it even though not much happened overall. It felt like a breather chapter, with more emotional stuff in it what with Jason’s death being revealed and stuff. I think there might be action or some other sort of psychological drama in it, so I’m excited. I wonder what they’ll be doing in a desert lol.

It was hard for me to kill him… I couldn’t decide whether to do it or not, because it’s not 100% necessary for the story, but it would be a lot better story-wise if he did... I was really torn between killing him or not, but then I thought: “Come on Gen. George RR Martin would think you weak!” :P Anyway, that’s where I got the thing about him scraping his throat from – I don’t know if people really do that in real life, as I can’t say I have much experience in that area, but it happened in one of the GoT books when someone died… And I swear I saw it on a crime show one time too :P

As for Thomas’s coat, I kind of thought he’d wear one simply out of habit. I mean, when he was growing up he and his mum wouldn’t have had much idea about his powers, so she probably would have made him wear one when he went outside because she didn't realise that it didn’t bother him. Plus by having one and wearing it when it’s cold outside he wouldn’t draw attention to himself. But as for the other things you mentioned… I don’t know what was going on with those haha :P Particularly with the young Gifted.

I do use symbolism, but I can’t say that Thomas’s hammer was one of them :P If anything the Gifted are the communist ones, because of the way they run the country.

Sorry for the long time in between comments, I’ve had a bit of a hectic week O.o

This was a really good chapter. I was so excited for a moment, when “Jason” appeared… I guess I should have known it was a trick lol. I felt really sorry for Xavier when he figured it out though. Those rusdeqs are mean.  And then they transformed into Bianca as well, which is creepy. I mean, maybe they’ll never find each other again… I wonder what happened to the others, I hope they’re all okay.

But they were cool monsters though. They kind of reminded me of the weeping angels from Doctor Who, except they’re the opposite because the rusdeqs can only kill people when they see them while the weeping angels can only kill them when they can’t see them. But I got the same creepy vibe I get from them lol, maybe because of the creeping up behind you thing they've both got going on. Sorry for rambling, btw. I really like all of the magic creatures and stuff you have in this story, I always get excited when there’s something new, like in this chapter.

Something I found odd was this sentence when they were talking about walking in a line and walking side by side: “That's so stupid," I told him. I covered my face in embarrassment”. Not only is Sadie a him again, but I don’t understand why Xavier is embarrassed, because the idea he was suggesting was a better one. Perhaps Sadie would be covering her face because she was embarrassed by her idea, but I don’t know why Xavier would be. Sorry if I didn’t explain that properly, by the way.

I was also kind of confused about some of Xavier’s reactions to “Jason”. Mostly when he was like, “you were here safe and sound the whole time????” I don’t know if you’d really call the city a safe and sound place to be lol, considering the rusdeqs and stuff. I mean, it took them a long time to get there, so if Jason was really stuck there it would still be a bad place to be. Anyway, because of that I was kind of confused when he was getting all angry at him.

Awwww that was so cute! I think you did a good job of making Snow act like a two year old – I find that a lot of kids in books always seem much older than they’re meant to be, but her simple way of saying things and the unicorn and everything. It’s sweet that she and Ariana bonded so easily, particularly after she was so worried. I liked Ariana’s reaction to everything, especially when she was crying when she saw and hugged Snow for the first time. That seemed very realistic, and overall it was really heart-warming.

It’s nice that Snow and Kayla were able to bond a bit too, considering that she’s going to be Snow’s mum too. Hehe, it’s funny that she called the unicorn Mikayla. That’s not that common of a name :P

But Snow seems a bit like a “perfect daughter” in a way – smart, cute, and even friendly and playful. I mean, she’s only two and appeared for a chapter so it’s probably too early to judge, but it just seems a bit… I don’t know xD

Anyway, the ending definitely caught my attention. So, Adrian is going to die. I suppose in a way it’s kind of disappointing considering Ariana had that operation and everything to save him, but at the same time I guess it’s kind of a good thing. I wonder what will happen when they meet again. I don’t think Adrian will ever feel bad about what he did, or anything, but I’m curious :P I really don’t know what to expect, but I’m sure it’ll be interesting.

Lol, well I’m about to do my scary test in less than an hour so I should be able to comment more now too :P I’ll probably do another comment tonight, or during my farm safety lecture this afternoon if I get really bored (which is pretty likely :P). Sorry for not commenting in ages.

So far this chapter and the next have probably been the ones I enjoyed writing the most of this story. Originally I had them both just speaking English or whatever, but then I realised it was weird that they could… xD Anyway, there’s some more stuff about the language thing in the next chapter. Anyway, I’m glad it was enjoyable.

It’s mainly Carey’s part of the chapter that I don’t really like. I don’t know, I just feel like these chapters were fillers, because her plot can’t really start until the next one.

As for Samantha, she’s upset about a number of things. She’s upset about Thomas, of course, and meeting 805 affected her more than she’d ever admit :P But, there is something else in particular that she’s upset about, which is probably more obscure… I’m actually curious to see if anyone will figure it out.

Well, that definitely wasn’t what I was expecting for the next challenge :P Haha, it’s kind of funny how they passed the test because they were too busy arguing to notice it was happening. There was a bit of repetition in some of the descriptions though. For example, you said the word “blood” a lot when Bianca was describing the swamp.

 But despite that I really did like the descriptions in this chapter. Like the bone trees, and the blood lake. It sure sounded creepy, I don’t know how they managed to get through it without freaking out :P But I’m excited to see what happens next, and what will happen when they get to this city the croc guy spoke of. Maybe it’ll be full of dead people, and Jason will be there. But that’s probably too soon to find him, so I guess he probably won’t be. Sorry for rambling, by the way.

Haha, I like how Bianca called Jason a damsel in distress and she was the prince rescuing him :P Although, I did think that since there are three of them (Xavier, Skylos and Sadie) they should be referred to as steeds instead of steed, that seemed awkward.

I was also kind of confused when Sadie was like “there are five challenges” and Bianca corrected her. I don’t think it’s the sort of thing Sadie would forget, and I remember Bianca telling her before.

I was also kind of confused when Xavier randomly took his clothes off. I’m assuming he didn’t take all of them off, cos later they said he was in his underwear, but when it happened that line made me go “what?” for a second :P

And there were a few more places where the start of a sentence seemed to be missing:

“walked forward, occasionally giving me”

“chat. Sadie, go ahead.”

“scratched her head.”

I’m excited to see them get Snow back. I wonder what she will be like. Is she bubbly and outgoing? Or shy? I’m excited to find out.

I liked Ariana’s doubt about whether she’ll be a good mum or not. Especially after having that dream, it seemed a natural reaction. I mean, not only has she been through a lot, she’s pretty young, so her reaction to the news about Snow seemed very natural. But I agree with Kayla, no one could be better than her.

Anyway, I’m getting an ominous feeling again. Everything seems too happy :P They’re getting married, they’ve found Snow… I don’t know, maybe I’m just too suspicious, but I feel like something big and scary is going to happen at the end of the story. Congratulations on completing it, btw. I’ll do my best to catch up soon, although I probably won’t get much of a chance to in the next week or so.

About Reagan and his powers, well… I really can’t say much about it. He’s very important to the plot of this story, but (hopefully) not in the way anyone would expect. But, even though Carey has lost some of her originalness the point of this chapter is to show that she’s not the only one, and that’s important. But, Reagan is definitely the character who gives me the most headaches (because he’s difficult to write), so I hope his part is okay.

As for the internal organs thing, now I think about it he probably would know what a liver is :P I mean, I’m sure he’s probably mentioned lungs, hearts, stomachs and possibly brains before… I should apologize to him for thinking he’s stupider than he really is :P

And thanks for pointing out repetition and stuff. Some things are deliberate (like Hahana puffing out her chest, because it’s a habit so she does it a lot) but I should probably find different ways of saying things (like proudly).

Haha, after changing the Leader’s gender I must say I admire you for changing Sadie’s gender :P I mean, she hadn’t appeared much yet but I still found it so tedious going back and changing all the he’s to she’s, changing her appearance slightly and some of her speech, etc. And I only had a few chapters to do lol. But, I can’t say why I changed her gender yet.

I’m glad you like this chapter. Personally I really dislike it (at least, Carey’s part) and the next one :P I don’t know why, it just bugs me.

And yes, Carey’s idea really isn’t her best :P But, she’s not really thinking rationally at the moment. I’m glad her guilt and emotions were okay, that’s what I was mostly worrying about.

Lol, Secretly Gifted List… I wonder who else is on that list :P Anyway, the circumstances of 256’s miraculous survival (and who’s responsible) won’t be revealed for quite some time. So that’s plenty of time to theorize :P

This chapter has to be one of my favourites. I really enjoyed all the fights and humorous things (like Xavier and his banana :P) It was cool to see that Bianca has a feisty side, and to see how she’s toughened up since her ordeal in the ocean. I did think it was kind of weird that she suddenly slapped Sadie. I mean, I might be wrong, but Sadie didn’t seem to say anything deserving of being slapped :P

But I can forgive her, because she was so badass fighting Mirg. As mean as this sounds, I’m glad she got some injuries, as it makes the fight more intense. I think you did a good job of describing it, and the stakes were high the whole time so it was exciting. I hope Sadie gets some cool moments later on, too, because she was mostly observing in this chapter while Bianca, and also Xavier and Skylos fought. But I’m sure she will.

The ending was very intriguing. So all dead people have to go through this, huh? I thought it was only people like them, who aren’t really dead, but I guess I was wrong. It’s good if Bianca remembers things, because then she might be able to use her knowledge in the future challenges to help them out. I’m really curious what they’ll find at the end, and if Jason will be there. I’m also wondering what happens to those who don’t pass all the challenges.

There was a bit of repetition – you said trident quite a lot of times when they were fighting, but other than that I didn’t notice anything in particular.  

And I wouldn’t say that I dislike Calvin, it’s just I’m convinced he’s going to die :P Like when I watch Game of Thrones, I never dare to let myself get too attached to any of the characters, cos lots of them will end up dying. But, now I’ve said that Calvin will probably survive the whole book, and the series, and end up happily married like in those cheesy manga epilogues :P Can fidis get married? I don’t see why not. If not, I want to protest for fidi rights. Sorry, I should really stop writing comments when I’m really tired :P

I must admit, I’m really not the biggest fan of flashbacks. The other chapter you had I liked, because it was told in an interesting way that was new when it was in Ariana's diary. But in this one it was just the same as before, so it seemed repetitive. I mean, this stuff happened earlier in this book, so I didn’t really need to be reminded of it. Maybe if this was a sequel and the flashbacks were from the first book, but... I don't know, I just feel like they were unnecessary. But as I said I’m not a flashbacks person, so other readers might not be bothered.

Anyway, despite that, I found this chapter very interesting. Particularly about Snow – I must admit I never thought of something like that. Ariana’s grandfather was a cunning man, huh :P It was interesting to see how Kayla’s worried about being a mum if they do take Snow back. I think she’d be a good mother, too, but in a different way that Ariana. But that’s a good thing, because then Snow can gain the best from both of them. I’m excited for the next chapter, I wonder how Ariana will react to the news. I think she’ll be scared at first, but eventually she’ll realise she’s ready and take her daughter back.

Heh heh, I’ve been studying anatomy all day and I must admit when Ariana said Kayla needed to “broaden her palate” I was momentarily confused. I was like, how can she broaden her soft and hard palates? And then I realised… xD

I wonder what Xavier, Sadie and Skylos will think when Bianca tells them about Jason. I was surprised they met up so soon, I thought Bianca would be wandering around by herself for a few chapters. But, I like it better this way, and I wonder what these challenges will be. It was funny when Xavier was like, “Bianca gave us her girly love”. That made me laugh, but I’m not sure why.

It was heart-warming when Bianca and Sadie made friends properly. It’s nice that they were able to forgive each other, and hopefully they’ll be able to bring Jason back from the dead now using the power of friendship or something :P Either that or Calvin. I don’t know why, I just have a feeling he’s going to die. Even though that’s probably a bit morbid.

Haha, Xavier says he doesn’t read the mind of women. But, I’m pretty sure he read the mind of Sadie before. I know that’s probably because she used to be a boy, but I think it would be funny if you left it the way it is (although, I guess not funny for Sadie :P).

Oh, I just had a thought. Mary. Marisca. Maybe they’re the same person! Skylos said she was the most powerful witch in the ocean. Maybe she can turn into a clam, and works as a sea witch on the side of being the setahr of Draida.

I must admit I was surprised when Bianca mentioned that she had dyslexia, for two reasons: Firstly, I thought she’s been mentioned writing (and reading) before, and secondly I’m surprised that she knows what it is :P I mean, dyslexia hasn’t been recognised as a learning disorder for that long. Before the late 1800s people would probably just think someone with dyslexia was stupid. But I know this isn’t a super realistic story, so it’s fine if you want to keep it in, I just thought I’d point it out anyway.

I also found it strange that Xavier referred to the pearl as a disco ball, when pearls don’t really look like disco balls.  Unless they have different, cool pearl-looking disco balls in Mericia :P

Originally there was going to be more of a time skip, but it didn’t work very well. I was worried about this chapter, so I’m glad it ended up being okay.

I tried to make his survival as ambiguous as possible, but I thought even so most people would think he was still alive. But, he really should have died, as the ending suggested.

Haha, that dream was definitely freaky :P It’s supposed to show that 256 really has no idea what parents are like.

913 was out of character in the dream, but not as much as 805 was. Mostly because she actually was like a mother figure to 256, while 805 isn’t really a father figure, so he’s more out of character :P

As for Reagan, everyone always wonders about him but I can never say anything… xD He’s definitely the character who gives me the most headaches, though, but he’s very important to the plot in this book, so I hope I can pull it off okay.

Thank you for saying such nice things :) I don’t really think it’s as good as you say. I’m really not sure if I’ll try and get it published. Not just because I'm not really sure if it’s good enough, but because I’ve still got like four and a half years of study left, so I'm not sure if I have the time. But I’ve only done like 14 chapters of editing so far, so maybe I’ll see how I feel when I’m done.  

I must admit I didn’t really think about 256 possibly being seen by the Gifted :P He sleeps in his uniform because he’s become rather attached to it. He was on the second storey, so they might not have seen him, but I guess Janelle and Co. would probably be more careful xD

I’m glad you noticed Hahana’s (and Maui’s) way of talking. If figured they wouldn’t really use things like contractions, as they’re more something a native speaker would use, while someone learning a second language usually speaks quite formally. And I figured that brothel probably wasn’t a word her Mum taught her :P And Hahana making Maui carry her stuff isn’t a cultural thing, she’s just like that xD

I’m happy you liked his dream, too. I thought it might be too weird lol. Anyway about 256’s parents – although I think it’s quite obvious that he will try and find his parents one day, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they will appear :P Or maybe they will, who knows? His parents would probably be forty-something, so they could likely be dead, as this is an old timey setting and it’s a much bigger deal for them to live to be forty or older than for us. As for the rebels, I wouldn’t say he dislikes them, but he is kind of indifferent to them at the moment (because he’s more focussed on the Gifted).

As for Carey drinking at the tender age of 19, in Australia the drinking age is 18, not 21. So she’s being perfectly legal in my eyes :P

Well, that was definitely an interesting chapter. I like how originally it’s like, she’s dreaming of having a normal life with her dad… But then she’s pregnant, and in love with him instead of just familial love. I think it makes sense, though, because Ariana wouldn’t know what an ordinary father/daughter relationship is like, so it’s like she’s imagining a happy version of what she’s used to. Anyway, I thought that was clever :P

The ending of her dream was really well written, too. It’s scary, to think what would have happened if Snow had been born when she was still in her house. And I wonder what would have happened to Ariana, too. I wouldn’t think that Adrian would kill her, but if when Snow grew up a bit he moved onto her, what would have happened to her? It’s scary to think of…

I laughed when Ariana tricked Kayla, though :P Hehe, that’s definitely payback for locking her in the closet. So, Cooper and Alana are going to adopt Sophia. I wonder how she’ll  be involved in the sequel, because at the moment I honestly have no idea :P

I really enjoyed the action in this chapter. It was a cool idea, drowning (?) the mermen in air. The whole using your heart thing was kind of cheesy, but in a good way, and it was a great way of showing Bianca's character development. Also, I really liked the line: “Don't love people just to be romantic. Love them because you really care.” I don’t know why I liked it so much, I’m a sap like that :P

Poor Calvin, trapped in an object again. Although, that pearl is magical, isn’t it? Hopefully that means he’ll at least get some magic powers or something like before until he can be freed. I don’t know how the pearl works, so he might not be able to I guess. Their talk about Amaatlik left me wondering. I bet at some point he’ll be released somehow and come for them for revenge or something. I’d like that to happen, because he was a cool villain.

One thing that confused me though, is why Selena would kill herself and become a banshee just to help Bianca. I mean, it seems a little extreme. Doesn’t she have a survival instinct? And she never struck me as suicidal.

But, despite that, I’m excited. I hope Bianca meets up with the others soon. I wonder what will happen when they meet. I think it will probably be heartwarming. I’m also wondering what’s going to happen, and how they’re going to save Jason if he’s already dead. I still think Calvin might sacrifice himself or something like that, but would he be able to if he’s still stuck in that pearl? I don’t know :P

This is picky wording thing, but when Calvin said the spear wouldn’t kill you unless it broke your flesh… I know he meant a deep stab wound or whatever, but Bianca’s flesh was broken when she got cut, so technically she would have died too.

When Bianca was talking about what the heart is for, the phrase “or something like that” was repeated twice in a row. You also repeated the word glow and variations of it in the paragraph where she was trapping him in the pearl. And when Selena was behind the seaweed, the word seaweed was repeated quite a lot of times too.

Thanks for reading this story :D I’m glad it was enjoyable. And I’m really glad that you liked the last line :P It’s something I decided on when I was only halfway through writing this story, so I’m glad it’s effective and fitting. I wanted it to end with the three main characters together properly for the first time (even if 256 is on the verge of death), seeing as they were all separate at the beginning. I wanted to end on the idea that even though they’ve faced so many hardships already and passed this hurdle, the fight is far from over.

Anyway, at the moment I’m thinking this series will be at least three books. But, it could easily be longer than that, depending on how things go. I even know what the title of the last one (if the third ends up being the last one) will be even though I’m only a few chapters into the second one so far :P

And yes, Michelle is dead. I considered changing it to make her alive (because I felt so mean lol) but then I decided it makes much more sense story wise if she’s dead. It would have been interesting if 805 had stayed with them, but… He really needed to go for plot reasons :P

I found it funny when Xavier was pleased that Sadie didn’t hate him :P That and him smiling at her (even if she thought it was creepy) makes me think they’re going to be  couple someday. It was funny when Xavier was like “Are you in love with Bianca? Nooo, she’s Jason’s!”

I liked how Xavier mentioned the other zombies going back to being dead, but Bianca was still alive, because it was something I was wondering before. Perhaps Sadie is right, and she’s still alive because the zombies were only raised using less powerful magic or something.

I wonder what will happen when they’re in the underworld. Maybe they’ll see that orisk again, and he’ll say why he called Sadie a princess. I hope that gets explained in this book, although who knows? Perhaps I won’t get to find out for ages :P

I was kind of confused when Sadie was comparing Jason to Xavier. Especially when she said that he never seemed afraid. He seemed quite afraid a few times in HA, even if he was being influenced by Amaatlik or whatever.

Also, why would Skylos leave their bodies in the middle of the sea on a boat? Even if they don’t come across a ship or anything, what if there was a huge storm and the boat sunk? Wouldn’t it be better to leave them somewhere on land or something? :P

I know Noah’s part in this story probably isn’t over, but for now I feel like this whole part with him (the last Xavier/Sadie chapter, and this one) was a bit lacking. I’m wondering if that’s really it for this book, unless he appears later, but I don’t think he will. Maybe it’s because he appeared so suddenly without any warning, so if you fix that it might be alright. I mean, it just seemed like him and Nomilis (especially the sword, because she just got destroyed while I’m sure Noah will appear again at some point, just not in this book) were more important, considering there was that chapter in HA. But now Nomilis is gone so suddenly, so I’m confused.

To be honest I had no idea Thomas was going to lose his hand until this chapter either. He was only going to lose a finger, but I just started writing and it happened… Heh heh.  And then I made him lose his left hand, but changed it to his right because it would have a bigger impact for him :P I’m such a cruel person.

As for Carey, you’re right. Because she’s driven  by grief/rage, she’s not focussing so much on moving and getting it right, just relying on instinct like she would if she were visible. For her there’s no real trick to fighting while invisible, she just kind of has to get used to it and then she’ll be able to fight as she would if she were visible.

I felt like Calvin’s emotions were a bit forced in this chapter. Like when he yells at Bianca: “HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? GO AWAY!" I would think it was pretty obvious that Bianca doesn’t know that Jason really is dead, so it seemed a bit of an overreaction. But, I suppose he’s upset about Jason, so he’s not thinking rationally. He and Jason must have been closer than I thought, because he reacted a lot more to his death than I thought he would. That’s not a criticism, by the way, just an observation.

Also when he said “Our dear Jason is no longer with us”. For some reason that seemed odd to me, not like something someone would say (unless they were a funeral director or something :P). I also thought it seemed rather dramatic when Bianca (briefly) wanted to commit suicide. I don’t know, she just didn’t seem the sort of person who would think of that, you know? At least, not out of the blue like that. I know I’ve used suicide in my own stories, so this is probably hypocritical of me, but it seemed a bit out of place in this chapter.

Anyway, it’s sad that Jason is officially dead. I think they’ll still be able to bring him back. Maybe one of them will have to sacrifice their life. Right now my bet’s on Calvin. Or maybe if Alex has a change of heart, he will :P But I doubt that.

I really liked the bit with the water magic. It’s interesting that there are lots of different types of magic. And if Bianca does learn how to use water magic really well, then that will set her apart from Jason/Sadie, etc who are using normal(?) magic. Anyway, I thought Bianca’s thought processes and stuff when she was learning it were well done. It’s good that she managed to control her emotions, and hopefully let go of some of her anger.

Wow, that was very intriguing. And unexpected – So, there is some supernatural force bearing down on them. The girl was really creepy, especially her weird rhyme. I don’t think Kayla will die, but… Who knows? And then there were the other things she said… I guess she’s “fate” or “destiny or whatever. But, why is she so fixated with them? There’s so many people in the world, after all :P Anyway, this chapter is definitely one of the best so far. I’m excited to see what happens, now that the supernatural stuff has really become apparent. Even if she says not to, I'm sure Kayla will try and fight her anyway. And she should.

As for Claire, it was interesting to see more about her too. So, she is real, but not a ghost like I thought (at least, she’s not only a ghost, she’s some sort of guide thing).

I wonder what’s behind her veil. I think that underneath she’ll either be really grotesque looking, or maybe she’ll be someone that Kayla/Ariana knows.

This chapter was confusing. It was good, but I feel like there wasn’t enough of a connection with the last one. When I first read it I was like, “what? I thought Xavier and Sadie were in Draida chasing Alex” and now suddenly they’re in Barcos chatting with Noah? I don’t know, it almost felt like there was something missing. I’m confused why they went to Noah, and how Sadie knew that it was him that wrote in the book. Like I said, it was like a chapter had been missed out. I even went and reread a few of the last Xavier/Sadie chapters, in case I’d missed something, but there wasn’t really anything.

Anyway, once I kind of got over my initial confusion I enjoyed this chapter. So Noah and Nomilis were the ones who wrote in that book in HA… Huh, can’t say I expected that :P I thought it was probably Mary, seeing as it wasn’t Bianca like I originally thought. Hah, but I was right about Mary being the setahr! I wonder why she is being all mysterious, and contacting them through dreams or whatever but not appearing in person.

 I wonder if Xavier can really read minds, or if he’s just good at guessing what people are thinking. I suspect it is the latter :P After Sadie, he’s probably my second favourite. His POVs are always entertaining, like in this chapter when he was like, “You’re thinking about how awesome I am”.

When Noah was making the list of people who could help them, he said that a hellhound was the fourth person who could help, but he had only said two other people, Mary and Amisto :P

There were a few times in this chapter where the first part of a sentence got cut off. “scratched her head.” And here: “laughed. ‘What's next, the king of Mericia?’”And here:  “looked like she was ready to give up”

“I had to read his mind.” Xavier called Sadie a he.

Lol, at least when it’s a number they might just have thought you lost at the lottery or something :P

I’m glad you felt some compassion for 3349 :P 256, 805 and even 440 are all oddballs, so she’s supposed to be like a representation of what ordinary Gifted are like. Even though she’s closed off and cold, she, like the rest of the Gifted really is just human underneath.

As for 256, I think he really has been thinking about this for a while. Carey’s more like the trigger, but his views on the Gifted have been changing for quite some time.

I liked the details in this chapter, like when Bianca corrected herself when saying air. I think that’s something a lot of people would have forgotten about. I also liked how Bianca described herself when she was in Selena’s body, when her hair was waving around in the water and stuff.

And Calvin’s back! That was definitely surprising lol. He has very good timing, saving Bianca like that. Although I’m not sure if he’ll actually appear in person. I mean, Selena left, so maybe he did too :P I guess I’ll just have to find out. Speaking of Selena, I’m kind of sad she’s gone. I liked her, even if it turns out she was jealous all along. I hope she appears again.

I liked the action, and how Selena used crabs and swordfish as weapons :P That made me laugh. I like how Yozka figured it out, too, even though it was bad for them lol. It would have been boring if he had been really easily defeated :P

Anyway, there are still a few places where I think you could combine the sentences and it would flow better. Like here: “Yozka's grin widened. He leaned forward. His tail swished excitedly, drawing bubbles.” Considering it’s the same person doing the actions, you could probably combine the sentences without much trouble, and it would seem less jerky that way. It doesn’t happen that often, but there are a few places.

Also, there was a bit of repetition sometimes. Like when Bianca and Serena were swapping bodies, you said “sense” or a variation on the word a lot :P And Selena called Calvin Calvin, even though before she was calling him Okeanos.

Here’s a typo I noticed: “An occasional few casted curious glances at Yozka”.  Also here: “They looked around for her, thinking maybe she had gotten into the crowd” It’s kinda like the suspicious thing in the last chapter, as how would Bianca know what they were thinking.

And the quality of these chapters has been good, by the way. But, if you want me to wait a while before commenting again I can. Otherwise I can probably start commenting more frequently again, my busy period is (momentarily) over.

Lol, Kayla strikes again with the famous character name disguise. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t Spencer Hastings one of the girls from Pretty Little Liars? I only ever read one of the books and never watched the show, so I’m not quite sure :P

And Rose! Well, I assume it was Rose, because she didn’t actually say who it was :P Maybe she’s like Claire, some sort of supernatural being. But then, I don’t think Rose is dead. But maybe she doesn’t have to be. It’ll be funny if it wasn’t Rose :P

Anyway, this was a really interesting chapter. I liked getting to see more of Kayla’s past. The part where she had the dream about Ariana was particularly interesting. I guess it was their destiny to meet or whatever :P I mean, it feels like all of the events, were just leading to her going to Detroit and meeting Ariana. Like when she found that map, or when Rose told her about it… It’s kind of spooky. I bet there’s some supernaturally stuff going on there.

I also thought it was interesting to see “pre-Ariana” Kayla again. It really highlights how much she’s changed, and for the better too. By the way, I’m curious, how long is this story going to be, about?

Thanks for the comment! I’m glad the humour was okay. I enjoyed writing this chapter, and I’m glad their characterisation was clear. I don’t know, maybe I talk too much, because I was struggling to convey Maui’s character when he can’t talk much to them :P I don’t really have any particular inspiration for them, at least, not a conscious one lol.

You’re right about that sentence. As for the diamond, I’ve actually thought about that before. Diamonds are brittle, but I think the size does play a part, so it might not shatter, but I’m really not sure. It’s been ages since I did chemistry lol. But in this story the diamonds are magical so maybe they’re not as brittle as usual :P

 As for Hahana and Maui’s weapons, they aren’t royalty, but they were sent to the island by royalty so they were given special weapons. When they were just in the military they would have had ordinary weapons. As for Maui (and Hahana, because she’s quite skilled too) being defeated easily, I figured it was because they was surprised by Carey’s invisibility. Maui and Hahana don’t have much experience with actual missions and fighting, so when she did something unexpected like that it caught them off guard.

As for the Leader and Wesley, they both have a role in this story… But it might be a while before they appear :P

I’m glad Samantha’s emotions were good. Even though she’s kind of cynical and acts like she’s above those pesky things called emotions, this chapter was supposed to show how she really is quite insecure on the inside. Even though she acts like she thinks her dad is an evil bastard for leaving and she never needed him at all, a part of the reason why she hates him so much is because he wasn’t there to love her.

I think the truth is probably better too. Although, I think it’s better to wait until the kid is old enough to understand, because otherwise they might think that it was their fault. Although, in Michelle’s case, the situation was rather complicated.

As for 805, although he didn’t “know” (I think that’s pretty obvious from his behaviour, so it’s not a spoiler or anything :P) I think he always knew it was a possibility even if he didn’t want to admit it. I mean, he’s not dumb, he knows what the possible consequences of his actions were :P As for him doing something, well… I don’t know what he could have done, he doesn’t have any money or anything lol. He could make them a lifetime’s supply of sparkly kitchenware xD

As for his grass, it’s because he’s badly injured physically and mentally unstable at that present point :P But, the same thing wouldn’t happen with other Gifts. His Gift is about life or whatever so he can grow stuff using his life, or blood. Other Gifts lose control in other ways :P

Lol, I like how 256 gets awesome points for failing at things :P Heh heh, there’s still a few more cliffhangers before the end of the story. I can't resist it: *evil laughter*

I guess I was right about adoption. Although I didn’t know that lesbian couples can’t adopt, that’s not very nice. But I suppose with their pasts it probably wouldn’t make a difference even if one was a guy :P I wonder what it is that Kayla found out about Snow… I’d say it would be something like she was in an accident and got a disability or something, but then Kayla said she was healthy, so… I really don’t have any idea :P The way Kayla said it made it seem like it was something bad, but… If she’s healthy and happy, how bad could it be? xD

Huh, I can’t say I expected Cooper and Alana to (possibly) adopt Sophia. I suppose their pasts are a lot more adoption friendly. Although they’re still pretty young, which might give them some trouble. But I suppose Sophia’s older, so maybe that will mean their age doesn’t matter so much (but, I know nearly nothing about adoption and how it works, really :P)

And Frozen. Good choice, I must say :P

Sorry it’s been a while since I last commented O.o

I’m worried for Bianca after reading this chapter, because Xavier said that dead people don’t come back to life for very long… But then, Jason died/nearly died to bring her back to life, so maybe it isn’t the same as these zombies or whatever they are, because I assume for them it was only a temporary thing.

I’d forgotten about the new setahr. I think she’s Mary, because she was all mysterious and must be powerful to enter people’s dreams and whatnot. Although, I wonder why Amisto said that they couldn’t see her/him. If there were zombies everywhere in Draida, wouldn’t that be something that they were interested in? I mean, I know they were focused on Jason, but they’re probably connected, so… I’m a bit confused as to what a setahr actually does :P

And lastly I’m really wondering about Alex. Now he’s changed the way he looks… Maybe he’s actually a different person, and that’s why he acts differently and has gone evil or whatever. Still, if it is really him making the decisions, I wonder why he wanted to kill Jason. I know Jason annoyed him that one time, but still. It’s a bit extreme to nearly get him killed. Or maybe he’s telling the truth, and he really did only mean to give him a strength potion, but that seems unlikely.

“He started to close the door before realizing that it made him look suspicious” I know this is picky, but how did Xavier know that Alex closed the door because it made him look suspicious? xD I know it’s probably because he looked like he did, or gave some indication, but that bugged me for some reason.

“I looked him in the eyes” “I patted him reassuringly” Xavier called Sadie a him… And Amisto did too: "Calm down, boy.”

Lol, I’m glad their reunion was good xD I felt so much pressure, because people had been looking forward to it for a long time, and I thought people would expect them to have a dramatic mid battle meeting or something like that instead of what it was. 256 isn’t the suavest of people, is he? :P Let’s just say there’s going to be quite a few more cliffhangers before this story ends, sorry *evil laughter*

When I was writing about Samantha and 805 I was like, “this is really obvious, isn’t it?”, so I just decided it wasn’t worth making a big effort to hide it :P Hence all the hints and the lack of red herrings. Although I did seem to manage some unintentional ones – a lot of people were convinced 805 was 256’s dad, which I found rather interesting :P Anyway, that’s the main reason I revealed it the minute they met, instead of dragging it out, because it’s more supposed to be about how it effects the characters instead of the shock factor, although it’s always a plus to have that too :P But surprisingly less people have figured it out than I thought would.

I think pissed is an appropriate word ;) And yeah, they’re not going to have any “sweet” moments for a while, if they ever do at all :P Samantha kind of hates him, and they’re not the most touchy-feely people anyway (particularly Samantha, and 805 isn’t unless he knows them well).

I wonder what you’ll think of the next chapter. Quite a lot of stuff happens in that one, so I’m always nervous about it. I’m glad you liked the title thing too. Sorry these comments are short, I have to go to work very soon :P

They have planned this attack better than the last one, but who knows? Anything could go wrong :P

Heh, I felt kind of mean deliberately injuring 805 but it had to be done :P Otherwise, Janelle and Co. (except maybe Samantha) wouldn’t stand much of a chance against him ;)

It was nice (well, it was sad, but you know what I mean :P) to see Kayla’s more vulnerable side in this chapter. Plus it really highlighted the role reversal in their relationship – at the beginning of the story, Ariana was the more vulnerable one, but now they both seem about the same, sometimes vulnerable, sometimes not. It's good, as it means they're on more equal ground now.

Anyway, I’m wondering what’s going to happen. Will Sophia be adopted by Ariana and Kayla? I don't know, as I said before it seems so obvious... Now I think about it, adoption agencies (at least, if they’re anything like they are here) are pretty strict… With Ariana’s past and stuff, would they let her adopt? I’m not sure :P

Sorry for being slow with my comments lately, by the way. I’m rather busy with tests and assignments at this present moment in time.

It’s sad how Bianca seems to have lost most of her hope and optimism and stuff in such a short space of time. She did need a wake-up call, but... I hope she’ll gain some of her trustingness back, as not trusting anyone is as bad as trusting everyone. She and Sadie really need to find that happy medium ;)

Anyway, I don’t think this chapter was confusing, at least not to me. Are the alternate interpretations meant to be about Yozka’s motivation? I’m not really sure if he was telling the truth, and whether he really is doing this for Bianca’s good or whatever. Sure, it teaches her a lesson, but why would he help her? I suppose he might have an ulterior motive, but I’m not sure what it is if he does have one :P

Surely a week must have passed by now, so maybe Jason really is dead :( But, I’m sure they’ll be able to get him back somehow, even though they’ll probably have to make a sacrifice of some sort to save him. But then, they would probably have to do that even if he was still alive. I hope Bianca can get herself out of this situation and meet up with Xavier and Sadie, so they can save him together. I’m not certain if Bianca “loves” Jason (because, I think love is a strong word and she doesn’t know him well enough, plus magic could still be involved), but she does care about him and stuff so I hope she realises it wasn’t her fault he “died”.

 “I am stripping you of your innocence” xD I don’t know, perhaps I just have a really dirty mind, but I found that line hilarious and creepy. I know that’s not what he meant (or did he? Probably not :P) but I must say that line made me go, “woooooaaaahh” and freaked me out a bit, for Bianca’s sake. And he’d taken her to his house, and stuff… I think I watch too many crime shows :P

The emotions in this chapter were good, but I think you could add more and it would be really effective. It’s little details (like the ones you did have, such as her covering her face with her hands), but if some more were inserted between Bianca’s thoughts and things her revelations could be more powerful. I mean, how does she express her emotions, if that makes sense? It would make things seem less abrupt, if you know what I mean. I’m sorry, I’m bad at explaining it.

There was some repetition when Bianca was saying how everything was her fault, she said they had a week to save Jason twice in a very short space of time.

 “I closed me eyes in frustration” Bianca was talking like Skylos for a bit :P

Lol, 805’s kind of an oddball sometimes. If he doesn’t like someone than he’s really mean and cold, but if he likes them he’s almost overly affectionate :P I like writing about him and 256, because although they are different in many ways there’s also similarities between. There relationship, along with Samantha + Janelle and Wesley + Carey, are among my favourite platonic relationships to write about in this story.

Sam definitely would not have reacted well if Carey had told her about Janelle and Reagan. She probably would have threatened him, or even punched him or something :P I think she needs to take some anger management classes…

Thanks for the comment! Haha, the thing about invisibility is something that has always bugged me about that power. I think I’m too literal minded :P

As for Reagan, keep guessing :P It’ll be quite a long time before his secrets and stuff are revealed.

I liked the humour in this chapter. I was totally convinced for a minute that Xavier had found a magical banana, but then it was just Sadie… I felt kind of stupid for falling for it :P Although, I’m glad he found her quickly so they can get on with rescuing Bianca ;) I liked seeing how Sadie does actually care about Bianca again. I hope if they save Bianca she’ll open up more to her, and Jason too if they find him. I feel kind of sorry for her (but, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to :P) when she says stuff like “I can't do anything right”, even though that’s a bit of an exaggeration. Maybe that’s because I think I can relate to her, as I often feel like that too.

I liked the ending too. I get the feeling something exciting is going to happen soon, perhaps something completely unexpected. But I’m not sure if I’m supposed to know what they’re going to do, because I don’t :P Am I just stupid, or is it supposed to be ambiguous?

Anyway, something I thought could perhaps use more detail, was when Sadie slapped him. I know Xavier’s blaming himself and stuff, but he didn’t seem to notice at all, just continuing on as if he was just replying to her speech. Maybe just make him comment on how his cheek hurts, or something? I don’t know, just a thought.

 “clenched her fist” Another spot I found where the first word/few words seemed to missing.

 Anyway, I probably won’t be able to comment again until at least this weekend. I’m kind of stressed out at the moment.

Lol, J K Rowling… I don’t think I’m quite at her standard, somehow ;) Anyway, thanks for the kind comments, I’m glad the plot is interesting.

Well, they did go to the village for a mission (to get supplies). But it’s not particularly dangerous, and they weren’t planning on having to fight someone, so even though they still had a job to do it was relaxing and allowed them to get away from the rebellion for a bit. Maybe I should call it a job or something instead, to distinguish it from their usual missions :P

I’m glad the details were okay, even though there were some things (like their clothes) that I forgot about. I tried to be more descriptive than usual in this chapter, but I don’t think I’m very good at it :P The woman’s weapon was essentially a spear with a steel blade on the pointy end, but Carey has never seen a spear like that before so she keeps calling it a stick :P And the man’s was a bow, with the jewels and stuff. As for his hair, I did make that a bit confusing. He has long hair for a guy, but his hair is still in short braid in comparison to say, Carey’s hair (if she braided it).  

It’s interesting how Bianca is beginning to question her love for Jason. I wonder if she was magically influenced, like he was, or whether she did fall in love with him at first sight or whatevs. I think there’s probably magic involved, being the cynical old lady I am :P Still, even if she doesn’t “love” him, I think she does care about him a lot (like Sadie does).

I feel sorry for her at the end – her trusting nature finally got her in trouble, which it was going to eventually :P I liked those mermaids, I’m kinda sad they were bad guys. But at the same time, I admire her strength, because she didn’t seem too caught up by it and told Xavier what to do calmly. I hope she can learn from her mistakes, but not go all cynical like Sadie ;)

It seems to me like they keep getting close to finding Calvin, but then something always stops them. I wonder if they’ll eventually find him, and what will happen. I think it will be something exciting. It’s sad if he really is in a bad mood because he misses Jason.

The mermaid they were talking to kept switching between being called Selena and Serena.

I also found it odd when Selena/Serena referred to Calvin as Calvin, when she had just not known who they were talking to until they said his real name. I would have thought she would have called him Okeanos here: “Calvin isn't the most approachable guy." Plus for the rest of the chapter she kept calling him Okeanos, except that one spot.

And I’m sorry for being really nerdy, but a leafy sea dragon is not a seahorse. They are in the same family as seahorses, but it is its own, separate genus and isn’t a species of seahorse.  And as Selena/Serena is a mermaid and lives underwater, she should know her marine creatures :P Also, I think this chapter could use a bit more description – the description you did have was good, but I would have liked some more about the underwater world and what the mermaids looked like too.

“Do you know who you're talking back?" This sentence confused me. Is it supposed to be talking about? xD And Bianca called Sadie a him: "Get him!"

There was repetition of the word “write” in the first paragraph. I think, overall you don’t have that much repetition (there’s no phrases you seem to repeat a lot or anything) but sometimes you’ll say the same thing in a single paragraph without using another word to describe it.

I also kind of found it strange, when Sadie said “I know I don’t show it, but I care about her. She and Jason would make a great couple”. It’s not the fact she says she cares about her, it’s the part where she says she and Jason would make a great couple. I don’t know why this bugged me, it just seemed a really odd thing to say lol. Couldn’t she think of another reason she cares about Bianca? xD

Also when Liz said: “She's a young woman. We tend to get all worked up about that kind of thing," It sounds like she’s excluding Sadie, even though she is also a young woman.

Huh, I see why Liz was all of a sudden wanting to poison a random kid now. So she was testing Sadie, the cunning woman. I’m not being sarcastic, by the way. For some reason that sentence sound sarcastic when I read it in my head, but it’s not. I like how she was offering Sadie advice, and I wonder if she'll ever figure out the moral of the story she told her and act on it ;)

I’m still very curious about what role Noah will play in the story. I don’t think he’ll be a villain, but I’m not quite sure how he will be a hero, either. I wonder how long I’ll have to wait to find out ;) I don’t think his role will be revealed for a while. Still, I hope he visits Liz at some point, so she can see he’s okay.

Also,, it’s nice to see how Sadie has changed after the thing with Dorian. She seems more trusting, even if she hasn’t realised it, like when she ate the cake despite her doubts. And how she apologized to Liz, too.

It’s sad that Emma has become estranged from her parents. I hope one day their relationship will go back to normal (I like heartwarming, cheesy stuff like that ;P). I mean, I can’t really blame them – Emma’s job is surely dangerous, so any parent would worry about their daughter’s wellbeing. Still, I hope they’re able to see that it’s what she wants to do.

Aw, so he was dead. My theories of kidnapping and rescues are crushed… xD Still, Emma’s reaction to his death was so sad and emotional :( Sorry, I’m a bit of a sap… Anyway, General Wanat seems a bit creepy… I guess he’s going to stir up some trouble later. Perhaps he has something to do with the diamond thief.

There were a few more instances of repetition – when Emma was examining his body, you said “couldn’t” a lot. It’s not a big deal or anything (neither was the stuff I pointed out in the last chapter) but it would help to improve the flow of the story a bit, because for me repeated words are distracting. Also, you never say the word “said” in your dialogue – of course, variation is good, but dialogue should be able to speak for itself, and saying said once in a while is simpler.

There were a few instances of repetition (for example, you said that she “didn’t see eye to eye” with someone twice in one paragraph). Also, when General McLean greeted the two detectives – I think you should either make him call them by their last names or their first names, it feels more natural that way, far more like what someone would say. Their full names are given in the very next sentence, so it’s unnecessary.

Although I enjoyed finding out more about Emma, I feel like you were “telling” us a little too much about her lone wolf status and general personality when the General was thinking about her. I’d much rather be able to figure this out from her actions, if you know what I mean. Also, it was kind of creepy, when a man I presumed to be a lot older was talking about how beautiful she was and wondering how she was single… I know it probably wasn’t intentional, but it made me blink :P

Still, I like the plot so far. I definitely didn’t expect him to get killed/captured (there’s no body yet, so he could very well be alive! ;P). It’s a bit of a common genre (teen detective) but so far there’s been enough to convince me that you’ll have your own, original take on the formula. I like Emma, although we haven’t seen much of her yet she seems like an interesting character. So far I’m enjoying it and looking forward to reading more :)

As for Wesley, I’m glad he’s likeable. I was worried people would hate him for being mean to 256 :P But, as you said as far as Wesley knows 256 could have done a number of unsavoury things to her.

As for her son, I forgot about him until I went back to rewrite that chapter Then I was like, oh yeah, him… xD I’ll try and remember him this time as I go through ;) I’ll probably end up killing him in the fire, which is kinda sad for him. Poor kid.

Oh, and I forgot to say. The reason why I dislike this chapter (and the last one), at least Carey’s portions, is because… Nothing much happens in them, and I don’t like including filler, but Carey’s plot doesn’t start properly until the next chapter (which I hope is interesting) because of timing and stuff. Plus I just feel like the chapters don’t fit together well. I guess it’s not that there’s any particular event that I don’t like, I just… I don’t know :P I feel slightly reassured, but they still bug me a lot. Oh well.

Samantha calls him Alexander because that is his name :P Only Janelle calls him Alex. At least, that’s been my intention – I may have accidently made Carey or someone call him Alex before, but it’s supposed to be only Janelle.  As for Reagan, he didn’t know about Alex specifically, but he knows she has a kid so when Samantha mentions a dude using her (having just accused him of doing the same thing) it isn’t hard for him to figure out who he is. Lol, and he’s definitely not a very nice person, that Alex :P I vote we both kill him.

And although I don’t usually like correcting theories, I have to say that Samantha isn’t in love with Thomas :P I’m not promoting incest. Samantha is more attached to him than usual because she sees it as her responsibility to keep him safe and stuff. Plus she didn’t really have any friends aside from her family. You’re not really “supposed” to know what Reagan meant (but, I expect some people to figure it out. I’m not saying you’re stupid or anything for not, it’s more of a “life experience” thing :P). Carey assumes she’s crying because of Thomas again, but really she’s not (at least, not completely).

And about Carey thinking 256 is still alive – even though Marvin told her he was dying, she is just trying to convince herself he was wrong. In her heart, she “knows” he’s dead (even though he isn’t). As for 256, hmm… He was pretty confused in this chapter. I don’t think he’s really thinking about where she is right now, he just thinks: Carey's gone, I’m alone :P But, I should make his opinions about Carey at this present moment clearer, even if he’s confused :P

Thanks for the comment! Haha, you're definitely not the first person to compare this story to the Hunger Games ;) People also compare it to Divergent and Avatar the Last Airbender. I'll try and comment on your story in return later, when I have time.

This chapter makes me think that the girl in the car accident was someone else, not her, because she said she was grieving. Unless she was driving, and whoever else was in the car died, I could see that too :P In fact, I think that could be it, or something to that effect.

Anyway, this is something I’ve noticed but keep forgetting to mention about this story and the other one as well. Most of your characters (at least, the main ones) are all very pretty/handsome/beautiful, etc. I don’t know, I think I’m just weird, but I think having someone be beautiful kind of loses its impact if everyone is a knockout, you know? Plus for me having characters be plain or even just on the good looking side of average makes them more relatable. And then when you have a character who is supposed to be exceptionally beautiful, it’s more noticeable. It’s a small thing, but I thought I’d mention it anyway.

I also find it odd that Jake didn’t recognise Abigail straight away, when surely not much time had passed. He seemed pretty impressed with her in the last chapter, so I found that a bit strange.

I’m curious about their mission, too. I’m still a bit lost with the sci-fi stuff, but that’s more because I’m unused to reading sci-fi than any fault in the story, so feel free to correct me if I get something wrong :P It seems very odd that the Command would send them on an apparently very important mission in an old, rundown spaceship. I guess they must have a reason for it, but for the life of me I don’t know what it could be ;) Plus, they sent Abby, even though she’s a deserter or whatever. I sense a conspiracy! ;)

Haha, that was satisfying. Adrian definitely deserved that knee to the groin ;) It’s nice to see Ariana finally being brave enough to stand up to her father. It’s good that she’s not as scared, and is able to deny him what he wants. Even by doing the transplant and saving his life she’s defying him, because he said he didn’t want her to. I felt proud of her :P

Like I thought, Adrian hasn’t changed one bit, but Ariana has. I hope that if he survives and they meet again one day, she’s able to be as strong as she was in this chapter. Anyway, overall I’ve really enjoyed Ariana’s transformation, particularly since she got her memories back. She may think she isn’t brave, but she has managed to use a bad experience (bit of an understatement there :P) to make herself grow and change for the better. Most people would retreat into their own shells if something like what happened to her happened to them, but Ariana’s managed to get through it. I admire her.

Xavier’s POV was very entertaining, particularly his crush on Bianca. Sorry, Xavier, I don’t think you have a chance ;) I think you do a good job of making your characters have distinct personalities, and even if you didn’t say who’s POV the chapter was from it’s easy to tell from their narration (unless it’s a character who’s never had a POV chapter before :P). I wonder why he doesn’t know magic. Maybe he’s just really bad at it or something :P But then, none of the other characters are total experts, so I don’t know why he would be embarrassed about that, which he seemed to be. But then, I suppose he doesn’t know that :P

I feel sorry for Bianca, because it was (at least, as far as she knows) her nephew who was behind Jason’s death/near death. I really wonder what Alex’s motivation is (if he isn’t being possessed, which I still think is likely). He seemed like an okay guy before. Still, I wonder if they’ll get to fight some zombies at some point. That would be cool :P

Anyway, there wasn’t really much I could find to nitpick about, but there is one thing that confused me – how did Xavier’s parents know what was going on in Draida? I got the impression that all the towns were kind of separated, but do they have some sort of communication between them?

And Bianca called Sadie a he here: “He didn't want to join me anymore though. He thinks everyone is an evil monster and said that I was too trusting." Xavier did too: "Who is he? I'll kick him for you,”

If 3349 had been there, 805 would be in big trouble :P He might have a chance of lying his way out of it (because, he has a lot more respect in the Council than she does) but even if he managed to escape punishment he’d lose a lot of his power.

As for Wesley, he hasn’t been sitting on his butt since Carey was taken away ;) I’ve tried really hard to make sure people remember him, because I feared they might forget as he hasn’t appeared since the beginning.

And you’re right about Janelle. Quite a few people have mentioned that :P I didn’t think of it when I wrote it, but it seems obvious now. I must not have a very strategic mind.

Same with 3349’s number – I think it’s difficult to remember because there’s four digits instead of three. I don’t want to change her number, because it’s weird if they all have three as theoretically there would be more than 1000 Gifted. But a lot of people have commented her number is hard to remember, so I think I’ll probably have to change it :P I’ll probably drop one of the threes or something. And that way her number could fit in with my 4/13 obsession, as 3+4+9=16 :P

I like the details in this chapter. Like Sadie, I had forgotten completely about Amy and how Sadie was going to teach her magic :P I really liked how you mentioned that. Also how Dorian’s house was run-down and not well looked after compared to the rest of Odom – I think that was a very good way of showing his character. I liked your descriptions of the frog too.

However, Sadie’s change of heart was seemed a bit sudden to me. She sure had a lot of revelations in one chapter, and I wasn’t sure if it was a completely natural transition. I mean, it made sense for her to realise how she’d been mean to everyone and stuff from seeing how Dorian was the same, but… I don’t know, she only spoke to him for a short while, but at the end she said she had a lot in common with him, as if they knew each other really well. I mean, on the surface, sure, they’re similar, but who knows? His situation could be completely different from hers. Maybe if you lengthened this chapter a bit, it might help. In a way I felt like her epiphany lacked depth, and there wasn’t enough reasons for her to have one, if that makes sense.

Some of the things confused me too – although Amisto was helpful in helping her get a house and stuff, why did he make her live alone when she got older? She would still have been only a kid… I mean, if they didn’t get on or something I can understand him not wanting them to live together, but Sadie said he wouldn’t let her live with anyone else either. That’s not very nice :P I mean, she should be grateful to him for helping her, but making her live alone was kind of mean. Particularly if she thinks no one wants to live with her.

Overall I kind of got the impression she was being too hard on herself, acting like she’s the worst person in the world when to me she just seems really lonely. I mean, sure, she’s treated some people badly and isn’t very humble, but then there isn’t many people in the world who haven’t done things like that :P Even Jason, who she was saying is the greatest person ever and stuff, was kinda mean to Alex in Hunting Amaatlik :P I hope Sadie will be able to become proper friends with Bianca now, and start to trust people a bit more.

 “some guy who lives alone”

Thanks for the comment! Carey’s POV in this chapter (and the one after) is rather… dodgy. I’ve rewritten her part in this chapter like four times already, but it still doesn’t seem right. Same with the next one. I’m really nervous about that one, actually. It’s because her plot is waiting for something to happen, but it can’t happen yet, and I keep changing my mind about what should happen in the meantime. Anyway, I apologize in advance for the poor quality of Carey’s part in the next chapter (and this one too :P).

Anyway, Samantha when said she’s good at being insensitive she wasn’t bragging about it. It’s more like she’s acknowledging it’s something she does, but she isn’t happy about it. If that makes sense.

I was glad that Ariana told Cooper about her past. I must admit I’d forgotten that he didn’t know :P His reaction was how I would expect, just like Ariana said. I’m excited for the next chapter. I wonder what her dad will say. He’ll probably still show no remorse, like when Kayla met him that time. I’d be very surprised if he suddenly had a change of heart :P Still, I wonder what Ariana will say to him, I have no idea.

And poor Mike! To be honest, I’m not sure if this is a good development, though, storywise. I can tell Sophia’s probably going go live with them, but… I don’t know. It seems a bit… I’m not sure how to explain it, but it seems like you’re killing off poor old Mike just so Ariana and Kayla can have a kid. I don’t know why, but it makes me a bit uncomfortable. I’m sorry if I’m wrong, by the way.

Yay, Xavier’s back! I really like his character, and I found it funny when he corrected Bianca about his age :P I’m excited, because hopefully they’ll be able to find Calvin and then he can help them find and save Jason. Speaking of Jason, I wonder what’s happening to him. Is he dead, or a ghost, or whatever? Somehow I think I probably won’t find out for a while ;)

It was interesting to learn more about the world the story is set in (Mericia, Kanuda, Wesico… Somehow those sound vaguely familiar :P). I’m wondering about the last names thing. Who has last names? Is it the nobility only, like in the past? But then there’s been no indication of a “traditional” nobility so far, but then Xavier and Bianca know what they are then somebody must have them :P If Sadie really is royalty then maybe she actually does have a last name.

It was funny when Bianca said pigs were pink. I’ve seen a fair amount of pigs in my time, and a lot of them aren’t very pink at all. They’re a variety of colours, some of them are even more brown or black. Sorry for being such an animal nerd. Anyway, in the paragraph where Bianca was talking about animals, the word “animal” was used a lot in a short space of time. Like I did just then. And also, a group of chickens is called a flock, not a herd :P Bianca might not know this, but I think flock is a pretty common word, so… xD

I found it odd when Bianca said she was not practicing magic as a ghost, but… didn’t she use magic before? I can’t quite remember, but I have a vague memory of her using it while still a ghost.

Anyway, about the pacing – I think it has picked up again in the last few chapters. There have been some interesting developments, like in the last chapter with Sadie’s parents and this one with Xavier returning. It was mainly the chapters when they first got to Odom that were a little slow, but it was only for a few chapters.I don’t think it’s a major concern, just perhaps there should be less of a drop in pace between the chapter with the orisk and Liz’s chapter.

I’m curious about this Bruce guy. I don’t think he’s the shadow rider, it’s too early in the story for his identity to be revealed ;) And it would be a bit obvious. But perhaps he knows something about who he is. I wonder what will happen when Carol comes to cover for Lilly Ann :P I’m curious to see her in person.

When  you’re using numbers in a story, it’s best to be consistent. In this chapter you used both “2” and “two” in a short space of time. I think it’s better to use the word for small numbers, although if it’s a large one like 100 or something using the number is okay. Anyway, whichever you use should be consistent.

Anyway, like before your grammar has improved a lot :) You’re still missing a few full stops where they should be in dialogue, but aside from that there’s not recurring errors. Anyway, make sure when you have someone speaking like this:

"It's a 69 GTO convertible." Lilly Ann responded "That thing's got CI barrel engine."

There should be a full stop after responded, as a new sentence is started.

On paper Samantha might seem like a good leader, because she’s obviously tough and determined. But, there’s more to being a leader than being strong, and she really can't inspire anyone to do anything, while Janelle is more relatable, I suppose you could say :P As for 805, you find out a bit of his secrets in the next few chapters :P

Actually, I’m really looking forward to seeing what you think of the next chapter and the one after (for various reasons). The chapter after the next was one I was looking forward to writing for ages :P So yes, something big is going to happen very soon… But it’s probably not what you’re expecting :3

She’s sharing a bed with them because there’s only three beds in the house. Thomas and 256 are occupying two of them, and Samantha refuses to leave Thomas. So Janelle, despite the awkwardness, has to share with Marvin and Reagan (or now, just Marvin). That’s mentioned in the next chapter.

I agree, the thing with the right hand is confusing. I should definitely reword it, or something. I’ll figure it out :P

Anyway, Carey and Samantha were definitely being jerks in this chapter. They’re both really upset, and they’re not thinking rationally.

And I’m glad you liked the kiss lol. I’m not very good at writing romance (at least, not kiss scenes and stuff like that. I think I’m okay at the emotions), so I’m happy it’s okay and the emotions and symbolism got through. I do have a question – originally I was going to make this happen at the end of Gifted,under different circumstances, obviously, but other than that it was the same. But there wasn’t really room, so I cut it out… When I was writing this chapter I was really unsure if it fits here. Do you think it’s okay or should I move it back?

I’m glad you liked Janelle’s characterisation. I tried hard to subvert expectations of the three main characters based on their character types, so I’m glad Janelle’s is working, and her hair is kind of medium length :P 256 is supposed to subvert the typical male lead of young adult novels, where they’re always brooding, angsty bad boys who are all tall and handsome and stuff. So I made him young looking and short and not really a bad boy at all :P And Carey, too, because she’s the “tough and feisty” female main character but at the same time, deep down she really wants people to like her. Although I’m not sure if that worked.

Sorry for rambling, btw, and making you read this really long reply :P

Oh, that was interesting. I’m glad we finally got to find out what happened to Sadie’s family. Well, sort of :P I thought they’d died or something, but they actually left her… I wonder where they are now, and if that orisk knew them (and how he knew them :P). It’s sad she thought that Jason would be disgusted if he found out about her situation, even though he obviously wouldn't.

The thing with Dorian seemed a bit random. I wonder if it will have some significance later in the story, and if Sadie will go through with the magic cake thing. I also found it odd that Liz would suggest something like that, but then the characters thought it was strange too so I think it must be important later on.

I have a few questions about this chapter though – how young was Sadie when her parents left? Because, if she only has one memory of her parents she must have been very young. Kids that young can’t really look after themselves that well, even if they have an adult checking up on them occasionally and providing them with food, etc, I don’t really see how a young kid could manage completely on their own for so long. Or did Amisto actually stay and look after her for a while? Or someone else? It seems strange that he’d just leave her alone to fend for herself.

I also found it a bit strange that Liz kicked Sadie out of the house. Even if she was on Bianca’s side, she didn’t seem like the sort of person who’d kick someone out and make them sleep outside. I mean, what if Sadie was mugged or something, or got lost? She is in an unfamiliar town, after all.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, DORIAN?" More capitals… I’m sorry, I know I’m weird :P Oh, and Sadie is a him: “Make him stop!"

Btw, I posted up the first two chapters of the sequel to Gifted, if you’d like to read it.

Haha, up until now Janelle really hasn’t given any thought as to what they’re going to do after :P The nonGifted have no knowledge of government, so it will be difficult for them.

As for the history of the Gifted and the island… There isn’t really much about that in this book, but there may be some in the sequel :P But there is a reason why they are known as “Gifted” instead of something else.

I like the details, like Bianca calling the wick a string thingy in the wax of a candle :P I like it because it shows the characters don’t know everything. I found it funny when Sadie corrected Bianca when she said they were on a mission, even though it really doesn’t make all that much of a difference :P Also when she corrected her when Bianca said Jason was her boyfriend. I like how this story doesn’t have any love triangle drama or anything like that. I bet a lot of people expect when there’s two girls and one guy as main characters for there to be one, but I’m really, really, really glad there isn’t, because love triangles are annoying :P Sorry for rambling, by the way.

I felt very sorry for Liz in this chapter. She seems so lonely. I hope her son and husband come back home someday, or she goes and meets them. I wonder why they never visited her.

Anyway, in this chapter I felt again that some sentences should be combined. Not so much because they’re too short this time, but because I think it would make more sense. Like this one:

 “I guess there were a lot of scholars in Odom, or maybe they just liked a good story. There were a lot of people at the library.” I think it would make more sense if they were combined, as the first sentence is the reason why there are a lot more people. Or they could be reversed, either will do :P Sorry if that doesn’t make sense, by the way.

Anyway, during the part with Andrew when he turned into a woman, I was a little confused as to who was who when you were using “she”. In that part I think you should probably use their names more. There was one point when I thought it sounded like Sadie talking, but Andrew had been called she in the previous line so I got confused :P

Haha, I found it interesting when they were surprised there was a little boy in the library. Maybe I just live in  really booky (it’s totally a word :P) place, because there’s always heaps of kids at my local library when I go there :P Anyway, it sounded like a cool place. I hope they manage to find some more information about Jason.

There were a few more spots in this chapter where the first part of a sentence at the start of the paragraph was lost. It seems to happen quite often, so maybe it’s something to do with this site.

“Sadie gave me his warning look, as if he was saying,”

Thanks for the comment! Haha, those errors are so embarrassing… I’ll fix them :P

I’m glad the psychological stuff is good. And 256 and Jake do have quite a few similarities :P I think that’s because I’m honestly not that great at writing from a male character’s perspective, so they always seem to end up being really girly :P

I can’t say I’ve ever read/watched much sci-fi (although I am a massive Doctor Who fan, but then that’s like the sci-fi thing everyone has seen, along with Star Wars :P). There’s no real reason, I just never really got into it. So I’m going to apologize in advance if I get confused about things easily :P Anyway, I really enjoyed reading it, it was like a new experience for me.

The “bedtime story” opening seemed a little cliché, but it provided a lot of interesting information. The interaction between the child and her grandma was entertaining and made the information easier to process. And the part where the kid was like, “you sound like an opening monologue!” Well… xD

 One thing I found funny, is that Abigail was listening to a song made recently in our time, but this story is in the future so wouldn’t it have been long forgotten, and they would have new songs to listen to instead? I mean, she could be a fan of the classics, but I’m not sure if that song is popular enough to have survived over a thousand years :P

Haha. It’s funny how Abigail has the same last name as Ariana :P I have a habit of reusing last names in my stories as well :P I wonder what happened to her. Maybe she was the girl in the car crash, or perhaps it was someone she knew and they died. So far she seems very mysterious :P

I also liked Jake. It’s funny how dorky he was when talking to Abby at first. I like dorky characters best, so he captured my sympathy instantly at that moment :P I wonder what his mission is. Somehow I get the feeling it’s the same one those dudes decided Abby would command ;) I guess it probably has something to do with the Arcturus project the grandma talked about in the prologue.

I still think Alex was being possessed or something, and that’s why he gave Jason that potion. I know he was annoyed at Jason when he was mean to him in his shop, but getting him to kill/nearly kill himself by bringing Bianca back is a bit extreme :P Plus his sudden Brotishness makes me think it wasn’t really the same guy from the last book.

The pace of these last two chapters seemed a little slow compared to the rest of the story so far, but I think something big is about to happen so it’s probably okay. I’m anxiously awaiting what happens next, because I feel like it’ll be something completely unexpected. It’s funny how they were using the book to help them. I wonder if they’ll read about that chapter where Jason annoyed Alex and suspect him. Sadie might, but I don’t think Bianca will :P

I found it a bit strange that Sadie didn’t seem to question who Mary was and why she told Bianca to go to Odom. Overall she seemed pretty chill about it, but I thought when she found out that some stranger sent them to Odom she would be as untrusting as usual. I mean, she seemed to be a bit suspicious, like at the end when Bianca asked her if she trusted Mary and she said no, but not like she had before.

It was also weird when Bianca said, “you know what Mary said…” to Sadie. Before she thought it was best not to tell Sadie about Mary, but now she’s saying things like that as if she’s forgotten completely that she wasn't going to tell her.

I also found it odd when Sadie said “We’re magic”. You’d think she would say, “we know magic” or something like that. I’m not sure how sorcerers see themselves, maybe they think they are the magic, but I thought I’d point it out anyway :P

I’m glad Noah was mentioned again. I feel kind of sorry for Liz, left all alone in Odom. She seems like a nice lady. I wonder why he never visited her. That seems a bit mean :P I’m really curious about how he’s going to be involved in the story. At the moment I think he’ll probably be one of the good guys, although I could also see him turning out to be a villain. It’s good that Sadie and Bianca made it to Odom. I felt kind of sorry for Sadie, when she wasn’t talking and stuff. I’m really looking forward to what happens next, because I don’t have much of an idea.

Sometimes, I feel like your transitions between things are a bit abrupt. Like when Liz was thinking of how Noah and Larry disappeared, and all she had left was memories, and then suddenly she was like, ‘Well, it was time to start dinner’. I think that could be a bit more fluent, maybe describing something that made her remember about dinner.

I also felt this chapter could use more description. Particularly the first part, without Sadie and Bianca, as there wasn’t much going on. I think it could add to the sadness of Liz being all alone if you described more about her house, or just something to add to the atmosphere.

Also, there was a spot where Liz called Sadie and Bianca “you guys” which for me seemed an odd thing for her to say. But I did like the way you indirectly described her age, when she struggled to get up. I also liked how even though both Bianca and Sadie remained un-named for a large portion of the conversation with Liz, your characterisation was good so it was easy to tell who was who.

Anyway, I have to go back to school tomorrow so my comments will probably become slower again, but I should still be able to comment at least once every other day for the foreseeable future, although I’ll probably get busier later in the semester. I'll be able to comment again tomorrow though :)

Samantha’s one of those characters that people either like a lot or don’t like at all. She’s meant to be kind of intimidating and perfect (in terms of looks and strength and stuff), but then inside she’s still a person.  Anyway, I’m glad she’s likable :P I’ve considered making her a POV character a few times (after all her secrets are revealed) but I didn’t want to upset the gender ratio so I decided against it :P

Hehe, I must say I never thought of that… Now I’ll never be able to edit that scene without cracking up xD

Thanks for the comment! Yeah, Bridget and Hannah are blondes. They’re not related to Emma, so they don’t have white hair too :P I’m confused, did I not say that they were her foster family? I thought I did, but some things you said (like saying that Emma and Hannah are quiet and energetic siblings, plus being confused if they had the same hair as her) made me think that maybe I forgot to mention it. Sorry if I did forget.

And Americans call biscuits cookies, not the other way around!! :P And I wouldn’t call that a tea party lol. They were just sitting down and drinking tea. That's pretty standard behaviour for most people here.

Anyway, Jake and Dan were walking at first, but then they sat down and got up again to say hi to Emma and Co. They weren’t walking on their butts :P We don’t do that, we ride on kangaroos instead. Duh :P

And Michael was the “leader” of their group or whatever. Dan’s not as shy as Jake, but not as outgoing as Michael. He acts differently in this chapter, because earlier he was kind of tiptoeing around Jake and now they’re on equal grounds again after all the shenanigans of the last few chapters.

Lol, I definitely would never have picked up on that ;) I just thought she was lying so Kayla didn’t worry, but I went back and reread that part and was like, “oh… that makes much more sense” xD I just realised I did something similar in my own story, which no one has picked up on yet… heh heh heh. I’ll tell you what it is when you read past the chapter where I can without giving spoilers ;) Still, I love little things like that. I call them "reread bonuses" :P

Haha, this is why I'm glad my mum is a doctor xD I ask her some of the weirdest questions about medicine and stuff for my stories :P I have a bit of medical knowledge myself, but I'm only a beginner (and I know much more about animals, not humans :P)

That reminds me for some reason, are there any other stories of yours you would like me to read? I'm going back to school soon, so I need something to fuel my procrastination ;)

No, that does make sense, and it is unfair. I was just a bit confused that he would say that, because Bianca didn’t give any indication that she’d be angry. Sorry if that's confusing :P And sorry for the late reply.

Hmm, that was an interesting chapter. I wonder why the orisk/Joe called Sadie a princess. Perhaps it has something to do with her missing family? I guess it must :P I wonder who they are. Still, it’s good for Bianca and Sadie, as they can now use Sadie’s, er, connections to get to Odom :P

It was very amusing too. I liked the part when Bianca tried to get him to talk about himself, but he only told her a very short story :P I don’t really mention this much, but I do really like the humour in this story. I think the humour bits are well written, because they fit into the rest of the story but at the same time they don't lessen the more emotional/serious parts.

I was a bit confused, though. Why did Joe think that sparing Sadie would make Bianca angry towards the end? I mean, wouldn’t she be happy if she was spared? They’re not really friends but I wouldn’t think that would make her angry.

Oh, and there were some more capitals: “DO YOU UNDERSTAND”. Sorry, it just bugs me… xD Also, in this chapter there was a paragraph that I think should have been split up, because you switched between dialogue and action a few times. It started with “Do not mock me”

And another gender thingy: “She cleared his throat”

Overall this was a very emotional chapter. It was a great that Ari managed to be brave enough to open the door, and burn down the house. The ending reminded me of this manga I read (although, the reason why the characters burnt down their house was very different). Still, hopefully now she’ll have the strength to face Adrian. I’m still certain she’ll have the operation, but I’m very interested to see what happens when they meet.

And Snow! That makes sense now ;) That was definitely not what I’d expected her name to be, but it was a good surprise and definitely seems like something Ari would name her daughter. I’m sure she’ll meet her at some point, although I don’t think they’ll get to live together. It’s sad about Ari’s mother too, but it makes sense that she would want to die. There were so many feels :P

Although, I’m surprised that Ariana’s hands don’t seem to have any permanent damage aside from scars. I mean, getting your fingers broken at a young age can be quite harmful, because you're still growing and all that. I’m sorry for being such a nerd, by the way… It’s one of those things that bugs me in stories, when medicine and science isn’t accurate. But most people probably wouldn’t care, so feel free to ignore me :P

Although Sadie’s an extreme example, I think it would be good for Bianca to learn the consequences of trusting everyone too easily. I have a feeling this might happen with Mary. Perhaps when they get to Odom it’ll be a trap, or something. Although they have to survive their encounter with the orisk, first :P

Oh, and something I didn’t realise before but I have now. What if Mary was talking about Calvin (the serpent) in the last chapter and she was the one who spoke to him in his mind in the last book? They were female, if I remember correctly…  Oh, she’s even more suspicious now. I’m certain they’re heading into a trap :P

And I wonder where Skylos went. I’m sure he survived, but… Maybe he was captured, or something. Still, I wonder how he got his hands on an orisk. I hope it’s a good one, but I bet it isn’t. Maybe Calvin or someone will come and save them. Or if the orisk is good, it might help them find Odom.

Their situation on the boat kind of reminds me of Life of Pi. Except there’s two of them, and instead of a tiger there’s an orisk. Okay, it’s nothing like Life of Pi, but for some reason this chapter reminded me of it :P Sorry for rambling…

I found it odd that Bianca didn’t seem to realise the bones could be from an orisk straight away. I mean, if she knew an orisk was a gold skeleton guy, wouldn’t she see a large bunch of gold bones and think, “maybe this is an orisk?” I don’t know, maybe I’m weird, but I thought that was strange.

And how did all of those cans fit on the boat? I kind of imagined it as a small boat, and some bones can get pretty long… Like the femur, or humerus (sorry for being so nerdy…) So the cans must have been quite big. Unless he was tiny? xD Or maybe the bag was magically bottomless, or something. Sorry for reading too much into things, by the way :P I should probably stop saying the first things that pop into my head… xD

Anyway, here’s some weird wording: “It was getting late, the sun low on the rosy horizon to be replaced by the moon and stars.” I feel like there’s a word missing here somewhere :P

Oh, I wonder who that woman is. Perhaps she’s the one possessing Alex (because I think he was possessed, and that’s why he gave Jason that super strong love potion, if it was a love potion :P). It’s interesting if she says she can only visit people’s dreams… It’s hard to know if that body is her usual form, and therefore she’s somehow connected to Jason’s love potion thing, or if she changes form and Bianca imagines her as that woman because she saw her before when Jason used her as an illusion or whatever.

But then, Mary was also helpful and nice, giving Bianca advice on how to get Sadie to trust people and everything… Maybe she’s actually a good guy. But then why was she there before? xD Still, I think Bianca, like Jason before, is perhaps a bit naïve. I mean, she didn’t seem suspicious at all about Mary, even though she just happened to be the woman Jason used in an illusion the night he died/nearly died.

I was kind of confused by the ending. Sadie told Bianca they were in the middle of nowhere, like she didn’t already know. But earlier in the chapter she said they were drifting around in the middle of nowhere. I mean, it makes sense that she might not have realised how this would affect her plan, but for me it felt like it was supposed to be some new revelation for the reader but we already knew. Sorry if I’m wrong :P

I guess the shadow rider must have some history with Lilly Ann’s relatives. Perhaps they wronged his family in the past? But I have a feeling it was probably  misunderstanding or something :P Anyway, I’m glad that Lilly Ann was okay, and managed to get back up after falling off that cliff :P

In this chapter I got the feeling that Logan might already know that Lilly Ann and Callie are the same person :P It might just be me reading too much into things… xD

And again there were a few times when you switched between dialogue and action multiple times in a paragraph (I realise when I wrote about this before I put chapter instead of paragraph… that was a fail on my part xD). As I said it’s easier to read if you split it up.

Hey, sorry for taking a while again :P

The story about Tenanna’s mother was sad. I like how you’ve added some depth to the characters. I’m sure she’s connected to the shadow rider in some way, although I’m not sure how :P

Anyway, I really liked this chapter. It seemed like a nice, light chapter with some comedy and romance until that ending ;) I’m sure Lilly Ann will be okay, but I bet it was the shadow rider’s work, making her fall off. Somehow they must have figured out she was Callie…

Also, when you said this: “try and replace the voice that was left” the expression is void, not voice. Once again your grammar has improved. You still miss some full stops in your dialogue, like here:

"Tell me about it." Lilly Ann agreed "Seems sad."

There should be a full stop after agreed, because she’s starting a new sentence in her dialogue.

And like I said, it’s all good about the comments :)

Thanks for the comment! Emma was dragging him along. I thought I mentioned that, but I’ll make it clearer :P And the door was open like the others, but it does sound like it was closed, so I’ll make that clearer too.

And you’re wrong. That was totally deliberate. Jake and Michael had a baby using some weird supernatural thing that will be revealed later. Duh :P

Anyway, Jake is the main character (obviously :P) but the story is kind of driven by Emma and her supernaturalness if that makes sense :P I’m sorry if it doesn’t, but I don’t know how else to phrase it without giving spoilers.

Thanks for the comment! :) I was quite nervous about this chapter, so your comments have reassured me :P I considered having more of a timeskip, but it just didn’t work, so I’m happy it’s okay.

Thanks for the comment! Haha, if 256 was back at the Council they’d (probably) let him go for that. It’s difficult for them because they need the threat of death/punishment to keep the Gifted obedient, but at the same time they have limited numbers (even without the rebels killing them, there's only so many Gifted born each year :P). But at the same time they probably wouldn’t object if 3349 had killed him, because to them he’s a liability.

Well, that was definitely interesting ;) I’m really glad that he didn’t escape lol. As you said, it would have felt like a rehash of Dwayne, and very cliché. Having him be terminally ill is much more interesting… I’m certain Ariana will agree to get the operation. After all, she’s a forgiving person, and she still loves him despite what he’s done. Although I’m like Kayla, glad that he’s possibly dying, I think Ariana’s reaction to this whole situation was very realistic.

I was kind of confused as to why Ariana, Kayla and a few other people were the only ones on the plane. Maybe it’s because I’m from a small city with a small airport, but aren't flights in the middle of the night almost as full as ones in the day, at least in my experience? I also felt the doctor’s interaction with Ariana was a little weird. I know Adrian’s a patient of his and therefore he wants to get him the best treatment possible, but the way he asked Ariana to do the surgery you’d think he didn’t know what Adrian had done to her, even though he said he did. Maybe he’s just not very empathetic :P

Bianca seemed a lot more mature in this chapter. Perhaps it’s because she’s getting used to being alive again after being a ghost for so long. Anyway, it was nice to see her and Sadie (sort of) getting along at last. Sadie’s story was so sad. It’s good, in a way, because I feel like her actions in killing Rudolph make more sense now (before I was confused why she killed him herself). But still, I agree with Bianca. She definitely needs to talk about it some more, and get it off her chest. And someone needs to give her a hug :P I wonder who Bianca was talking about when she said there was someone she shouldn’t have trusted. Maybe it was that guy, from chapter one, who spoke to her when she first became a ghost. The one with the mask.

Maybe the pirates are secretly sorcerers as well, and that’s why their ship didn’t sink even though it was metal and the captain somehow survived being scorched by Skylos. Either that or they’re magical beings in disguise, or maybe it’s a ghost ship. But then they wouldn’t be able to leave the place of their death… And last chapter, they weren’t on their ship. Or were they? I can’t remember xD

Haha. I like how you remember the details, like Bianca and Sadie not being very experienced and therefore not being able to rely on magic (in this case teleporting) to get out of the situation. It makes the story much more interesting and chapters like this more tense. Also, it was funny, when Bianca was going to save them dramatically but then it failed :P I laughed then, and when the captain told Bianca he’d save her if she would be his wife, and her reaction to it.

I found it a bit odd when Bianca said “If you don’t believe in Skylos”. It sounds like he’s some sort of mystical figure or something when she phrases it like that :P Sorry if that’s really picky.

And something I thought was a little cliché, was when Sadie stared at her hands as if there was blood on them. There’s nothing wrong with saying it, and I’ve probably wrote something similar at some point so this is hypocritical of me, but I think you could write something more original. Sorry again if that’s really picky. I really liked this chapter, so there wasn’t much I could find wrong with it :)

Haha, that’s not racist. I don’t know about America, but almost everyone I know who is of Asian descent but born in Australia have both an English name and an Asian name. For example, my best friend has a Chinese first name which is her “official” name, but everyone calls her Jane (that’s not her real English name, because I don’t think she’d appreciate me putting it on the internet :P). I don’t really know why, but that’s what they all seem to do, so I gave Dan an Caucasian sounding name :P If his last name is ever mentioned, which it probably will be in the future, it’ll be a Chinese one.

I don’t remember you ever calling Jake Jason before, don’t worry :P And if Sarah swore at Jake she’d probably get fired ;)

Emma talking about Jake’s mind being fragile will (hopefully) make more sense later. She’s not calling him stupid :P  

Anyway, I’ll try and mention them changing location and stuff. For now, I’ll say Jake was still all weak and stuff after fainting, so he didn’t notice them moving :P

Haha, that’s not racist. I don’t know about America, but almost everyone I know who is of Asian descent but born in Australia have both an English name and an Asian name. For example, one of my best friends has a Asian first name which is her “official” name, but everyone calls her Jane (that’s not her real English name, because I don’t think she’d appreciate me putting it on the internet :P). I don’t really know why, but that’s what they all seem to do, so I gave Dan an Caucasian sounding name :P If his last name is ever mentioned, which it probably will be in the future, it’ll be a Chinese one.

I don’t remember you ever calling Jake Jason before, don’t worry :P And if Sarah swore at Jake she’d probably get fired ;)

Emma talking about Jake’s mind being fragile will (hopefully) make more sense later. She’s not calling him stupid :P  

Anyway, I’ll try and mention them changing location and stuff. For now, I’ll say Jake was still all weak and stuff after fainting, so he didn’t notice them moving :P

I liked the whole drama with Anthony – First he seemed like a good guy, then those pirates said he was one, so I was like, “oh no, he’s bad!” but then he was Skylos :P You definitely kept me guessing with this chapter. Anyway, I think that Skylos is genuinely on their side. I mean, he helped then escape and got them to a ship, so unless he’s got some really complicated plan that seems pretty genuine to me. I wonder why he decided to disguise himself as a human instead of just staying as a dog, or just telling them it was him :P And why he asked them questions about being sorcerers :P

And Noah was mentioned again. I wonder where he went, and whether or not he’ll show up in this book. It is a series, so perhaps he won’t be important for a while… But I am really curious about that sword. I also felt sorry for Sadie, when the captain was saying that Jason slayed Amaatlik single-handedly. I mean, sure he fought him by himself (until Skylos turned up) but Sadie still played a part in the mission :P It’s sad that she never gets recognition for things.

I like the contrast between Sadie and Bianca, like in the last book between Sadie and Jason. Bianca seems a bit naïve at times, but she seems like a sweet person, while Sadie is much more cynical. I hope they’ll become friends eventually.

There was some description I thought was missing. When Skylos breathed fire on the pirates, how did they react? Did he kill them, or did they escape? For some reason I found that odd, because surely there would be something happening that Bianca would feel worth mentioning in her narration :P

Something else I’ve noticed  – like guys, the characters seem to say stuff a lot. I think for the teenage characters it’s realistic, cos us teenagers are too lazy to think of proper names for things, but adults I think would say the proper name. Like this example: You know,” 'cause it had a lot of stuff onboard.” I think Anthony/Skylos would say either what it was or “cargo” or something :P

“face reddened” another place where the first part of the sentence seems to be cut off. This happens quite often, so maybe it’s something to do with the site?

“Sadie thought it was stupid, but I forced him.” That’s mean of Bianca, calling Sadie a him :P and this line too: “She took out his wand.”

Oh no! I hope her dad hasn’t escaped. That was what first came to mind, but that seems a little cliché, so I have a feeling it’ll be something different. Anyway, whatever it is Ari is sure to have a confrontation with him soon. It’s much sooner than I was expecting, so you definitely managed to surprise me ;)

Anyway, once again the mood whiplash was great. You seem to be really good at doing that :P The rest of the chapter (particularly the bit with Kayla’s friends) was funny and light, it got a bit more serious with Ariana’s chat with Penny and then that ending :P

But, it bothered me a little the way they were talking about Kayla’s dad. I don’t know, it seemed strange that he should shoulder all of the blame for Claire’s murder and the stuff that happened. Sure, he did play a part in it, but Kayla still made those decisions. I also found it odd how Ariana told Penny her story so quickly. I don’t know, I would expect her to be more guarded about it. I mean, she didn’t tell Kayla, she found out because of doctor Pinder. But overall I liked their conversation. It solved some of the issues I had with the last one, where it seemed like her mum was completely all for it :P Her comments in this chapter were more what I’d expect :P

I found this chapter both sad and oddly humorous :P It was sad because of how cynical Sadie has become. She definitely wasn’t that bad before, even though she was always more distrusting. Like when she was listing the people that she trusted but wronged her, and mentioned that time Alexander attacked them when they were stranded, but he didn’t really trick them because he thought they were demons or whatever. I think this shows that she’s kind of being selectively oblivious, because it’s not really an example but she used it anyway. Sorry if I’m being over analytical, or if I’m rambling too much :P

But it was also funny,  especially at the end when Sadie was like, “who said I trusted Calvin?” That made me laugh, for some reason. Maybe it’s because I was thinking, “not again, Sadie, not again” :P And when she was so insistent that Skylos was going to betray them, even though he didn’t do anything yet.

Anyway (we do say that a lot :P) I’m looking forward to seeing Calvin again. I wonder what he’s been doing since the last one, and how long it will be until they find him. I also wonder when Xavier will appear again (I’m assuming he will at some point) and when that Noah guy will become important.  I thought he’d play an important role in the sequel, but he hasn’t appeared yet. Of course, there’s still over thirty chapters, so there’s a lot of time for him to appear if he’s going to :P

 ‘Then I'll find my key and unlock the door." I heard him walk away from he door.’ Firstly I think he should be the, and this seems a bit repetitive to me. Sorry if that’s really picky, I think I’m probably one of the only people who gets bothered by only two consecutive sentences ending the same way. Anyway (we do say that a lot :P) I think the second sentence could be ended after walk away. Again I’m not sure why this bothers me, but it does :P

Also, sometimes in this chapter I felt you said the character’s names a bit too much, especially in places where there were multiple characters mentioned. I know it’s so you can tell who they’re talking about, but there were some places where I thought “he” or “she” would have been fine and you could still tell who was being referred to. Like here: “Not that I wanted to take Skylos along, or Bianca, but Jason was somehow her friend too, and apparently Skylos knew how to get to Calvin's home.” I think the second Skylos could just be he, as it’s easy to tell who it’s about. And it would feel less cluttered.

By the way, I’m sorry if this comment is really scatterbrained and crazy, I’m a bit tired :P

Thanks for the comment. I’m glad you liked the bit with Jake’s, er, dud :P You’re not being picky, I should definitely rephrase that bit. And the dreamy stuff too :P I’ll find something else to say.

Hehe, I should put a full stop after the E, but I always forget, and my computer doesn’t autocorrect it for me :P We did have to leave our bags outside, because they didn’t want us to steal stuff in there :P You’re supposed to take your valuables with you when you leave your backpack outside. Then all there is to steal is school books :P They also have security cameras. But things still get stolen. My sister once left her wallet in her bag and it was stolen and dumped in a bin (but they found it).

And no, it’s okay. You already commented on all of the chapters of the first one, plus you’re reading this one too, and I don’t want it to take up too much of your time :) I’m probably going to post up the sequel sometime this week anyway, as I’m not making any major plot point changes. I was going to wait until I’d rewritten more, but I got bored :P

This was a very interesting chapter. I’m happy Skylos is back. He’ll definitely make an interesting addition to their group :P I feel kind of sorry for Sadie, but I guess she’ll just have to put up with him being there even if she doesn’t trust him.

I liked how Sadie thought it was Bianca who had given him the love potion, because I think it would be the natural conclusion someone would come to, even though she didn’t actually do anything. I wonder if she’ll resent Bianca, even though she said she didn’t, as she seems to see it as Bianca’s fault regardless.

Anyway, I wonder why Jason disappeared. I guess whoever was behind it (I still think Alex was possessed or something) must need him for something. But if he’s dead/dying I don’t see how he could be much use to them. Although, as a ghost Bianca could use spells, so maybe if he’s a ghost he’ll still have magic powers too, and they want to use him because he’s so powerful or whatever. And if he wasn’t quite dead yet they could have moved him so he’d die wherever they took him and be forced to stay there. But I am a little confused at his current status – in the last chapter Sadie said he wasn’t dead yet, but this chapter they were talking as if he had died already… Did Bianca just assume he died, or do they know he had?

I was also kind of confused when Sadie said that Bianca should know that hellhounds don’t have the power to control people because she’s a zombie… I know she probably said that to annoy her, but I don’t really understand how a zombie would know that better than a non-zombie :P Sorry for being dumb.

Also, something I found odd – why did Sadie and Bianca just leave Jason at the cemetery? I know Sadie said that they didn’t want to drag him, but it seems strange… I think it would make more sense for them to move him to a safe place instead of just leaving him there for a while.

In this chapter Bianca didn’t seem that concerned that Jason was dead/dying. I mean, she mentioned it a few times and felt sad, but other than that she seemed okay. But I think she’s probably a bit confused readjusting to life as a living person, and maybe that’s why. I think Sadie’s reaction was more what I’d expected. But as I said I think Bianca’s probably in shock. I also found it odd when Bianca called Sadie dude.– it doesn’t seem like something a girl would say in the situation. I think she’d just say her name.

“gave me a look as if to say,” There were some words missing from the start of this sentence. And in this one too: “clenched her fists, looking very determined”. And here: “eyes glowed.”

No, Jason! I hope Sadie and Bianca can save him… I think that Sadie’s reaction to his sickness was realistic and sad :( Especially when she kept trying to reassure herself that it was a dream, that seems like something people would do. The story definitely took a darker turn in this chapter. I wonder if someone was possessing Alex to give Jason that potion. He could have just been giving him a love potion to make Bianca feel better, but if it’s so strong that Jason will nearly get himself killed trying to revive her maybe it’s different from normal. I mean, Alex seems like an okay guy, even though he hasn’t appeared that much. And surely he wouldn’t go that far from that one time Jason was mean to him at the magic shop. Plus in the last book I don’t remember any mention of his Britishness/Brotishness, so maybe that’s some clue that he’s being possessed or controlled or something :P Or it could just not have been mentioned… Hehe.

But at least Bianca isn’t a ghost anymore, which is good for her. I wonder how she’ll readjust to life as a living person. It’s kind of sad, because everyone she knows would be so much older/dead… I think she’ll be really confused or something. She did seem a bit confused at the end of the chapter. She must feel pretty guilty too, seeing as Jason did that to bring her back (even if he was being controlled). Anyway, she’s not going to be very happy with Alex when she finds out… xD I felt sorry for Sadie though, when Bianca called her Jason’s sidekick and got her name wrong :P

Anyway, something I’ve noticed happening a few times. Sometimes a character will announce they’re going to do something in their dialogue, and then you’ll include a line straight after saying they did it, like in this chapter: ‘“But I'll keep watching Jason." He kept watching Jason.’  I’m not sure if it’s meant to be part of the humour, but to me it feels a bit repetitive (particularly when it happens multiple times).

 And also with this description: “Maybe it was the fact that he was still breathing. But his skin was really pale. He looked really sick.” I think it would be better to further describe his appearance and condition, instead of just saying that he looked sick.

And something I found a bit odd, was that Sadie was apparently able to dig through to Bianca’s coffin without a shovel or something… Those holes are pretty deep, and digging with her bare hands would be very difficult, because there’d be a very large amount of dirt. At the very least I'd expect her to mention how her hands were aching or something :P

You do find out some stuff about her quite soon, but there’s still a lot more that won’t be revealed for some time :P

As for things like the names of cafés (huh, my computer does it automatically) Jake isn’t really paying attention to what they’re called when he chooses them, because he only cares that no one he knows is there :P Although, I don’t know why I didn’t say what the drink was originally. That’s a bit odd.

And  I can’t say I’ve ever given much thought to the colour of Emma’s poop :P Or anyone else’s xD

Anyway, I don’t mind how often you review. This story is on hiatus at the moment (I’ll get back to it at some point, but right now I’m more focussed on rewriting Gifted and writing the sequel), so there’s no rush or anything. Sorry for being unhelpful :P

I’m really glad you like the action scenes, because I’m not very confident about them… I’ve never really written action before I wrote this story, so it’s really reassuring :) Anyway, the next chapter has quite a lot of action too, so I hope you enjoy it!

And I did have no idea who Jack Bauer was :P I googled him though, he sounds cool :P Although he doesn’t really look like I imagine 805 to look (his hair is too light!). Hehe. When I wrote this, I was thinking, ‘256 you’re just making this situation worse, but it’s kind of funny because you think you’re making it better…’ I have a strange sense of humour :P

And I’m glad you appreciate Samantha’s inner squishiness. That’s what I call it when a character has a tough, cold exterior and then has this secret squishy side… I don’t know why I call it squishiness, but I do :P

I really liked this chapter. I like how you defied my expectations about what being under the love potion would be like. I just assumed that from Jason’s point of view he’d be like a mindless drone, but actually the real Jason stayed awake, even though he couldn’t do anything except think. The way you wrote it was definitely better than I’d expected, it was more original and it was very entertaining to read about him arguing with himself :P This is probably my favourite chapter so far in this book.

I wonder if Bianca’s feelings for Jason are genuine (as in, she really did love him at first sight) or if there’s some magical thing influencing her too. I mean, obviously Amaatlik wasn’t messing with her mind (or she would have stopped liking him). But then, she is a pretty naïve person, so it makes some sense that she would fall in love with him so quickly, or at least think she loves him anyway. She reminds me of Anna from Frozen (except, Jason isn’t… well, I won’t say, in case you haven’t seen it :P). Still, it’s kind of sad if Jason thinks love is stupid now. Although I don’t think he was being that serious :P

I can’t say I’m an expert at viewing ants up close, but I think he seemed to see a lot more of the ant than I’d imagine someone could. I mean, they’re still pretty small. If Jason was lying on the ground, even with his eyes open, if the ants were that close to his would probably be pretty blurry. It’s not like he was looking at it with a magnifying glass or anything, it was his normal vision, so I don’t see how he could see its eyes and jaws and stuff, unless they have super big ants in Draida. Sorry if that’s really picky. I couldn’t find much else odd about this chapter, so I thought I’d point it out :P

And the reference to Romeo and Juliet – another real life thing, but I don’t think this one is as strange because all the countries are based of real ones there could be a version of Shakespeare somewhere too ;)

Also, at one point you referred to Jason as Alex: “Alex 2 resumed walking.”

I liked how you explained how Bianca was able to go to the island in the last book even though she’s a ghost, and therefore shouldn’t be able to leave her death place. It shows you pay attention to detail. I’m also glad she figured out that Jason was bewitched, even though it probably won’t matter as she went unconscious right after. I felt kind of sorry for her the whole chapter, as she likes him but he’s only acting that way because of the spell. So far I like her character – she seems like a nice person overall, and a little naïve. I like naïve characters, because it’s always interesting to see how they develop and lose their naiveness (unless they don’t xD). I still don’t think you’re sexist, by the way :P I’m impressed because in two POV chapters you’ve introduced her character really well.

Anyway, this chapter was very enjoyable. Some of Jason’s romantic ideas were cringe-worthy (in a good way, because it was funny :P), like the B + J thing. The part with the monsters was funny too, since they almost gave away their weakness. It was an interesting weakness, too. I can’t say I’ve ever heard of monsters being weak to candles before :P

Still, Jason’s powers interested me. I don’t know if the love potion influences him or something, but he seemed very powerful even though Amisto has taken back his magic. I’m sad though because I know I won’t find out why he's so powerful for ages… Oh well. There’s lots of time to form theories! I wonder how his attempt to revive Bianca will go. I have a feeling it will go badly (at least, for him), considering I know he must do a spell that goes horribly wrong at some point from the summary :P

Anyway, some repetition I’ve noticed about this story in general – people tend to say “guys” and “you guys” a lot. I know it’s a common collective term, but it seems like everyone says it all the time, no matter their age, gender, etc. Bianca sure said it a lot when referring to Figaro and Izzy :P She could say, “you two” or something as well. She also wanted to give her cats milk. Giving milk to cats is bad for them because they’re lactose intolerant. I know Bianca probably wouldn’t know about this so it’s okay for her to think that, but the animal nerd within me couldn’t resist pointing it out :P

I also found it strange how Bianca guessed that the candle delivery person was 26. I feel like most people would guess something more vague than that (like, mid twenties).

“We looked all over for Figaro and Izzy, but couldn't find them. We looked everywhere for them, and double-checked more than once.” Another repetitive description.

Well, I can’t say I expected that ;) What a mood whiplash from the last chapter! Anyway, I think you set it up very well, with Ariana wishing she could live in a house and have a family, and then Kayla asks her to marry her and thus give her the family she wishes for. D’awww…

Some things I found odd – mainly Kayla’s mum asking Kayla when she was going to make an honest woman of Ariana. For one thing that seems a like a very old-fashioned term, not really what I'd imagine someone saying anymore. Also, Kayla’s only 20 – I’m 19, and if I came home and told my mum I wanted to get married she’d be like “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU????” :P Obviously her mum isn’t like mine, but I wouldn’t expect her to ask her 20 year old daughter when she was planning on proposing to her girlfriend, although I can see her being happy if Kayla announced she was going to do so. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense, by the way.

I wonder what it was that Claire tried to tell her. Could it have something to do with whatever she is now? Maybe she was a guardian angel or whatever even then :P I liked learning more about her too, as it gives us more insight on such an important relationship in Kayla’s life. I could definitely feel her sorrow, so good job.

And something random, but San Diego reminds me of my city a bit – a quiet city, and near the beach! xD I think that helped me get into the mood of the chapter.

Overall, anyway, it was a very emotional and romantic scene – a little cheesy for my liking, but that’s not a bad thing. Engagement scenes are always a little cheesy ;)

“helped heft a bag of potatoes into the panty.” I don’t usually point out typos but this one I thought I probably should :P

Aww, now I have no more chapters to read… I await the next one eagerly :D

Wow, that was really scary! I mean,  figured it was a dream straight away, but still… The suddenness of it all shocked me. Anyway, you did a great job of conveying Ariana’s fear and dread of her father finding her. I wonder how they’ll eventually meet. I don’t think he’ll escape (at least, I hope he doesn’t). I think, when Ariana’s ready she’ll go and visit him in prison. I’d like it that way, I think, because then she’ll be able to confront him on her own terms.

Some of her father’s  dialogue though – I don’t know, they seemed almost cartoon villain-like, if you know what I mean. For me they detracted from the fear for a bit, because they sounded like something straight out of a crime show. Like this one: “I like these titties”. This is just my personal opinion though – it was still creepy, and I’m sure that it would have been more effective for others.

I’m also curious about that song Ariana was singing. Is that the same one as she sung before? I wonder what significance it has. And after you said that her daughter's name has already been revealed I was like, "noooo, how did I miss it?" I even looked back through some of the chapters, but I couldn't find it :P

Jake thinks he makes everything worse in social situations, and although he isn’t the most charismatic of bunnies he isn’t that bad, like in this chapter when he managed to make Dan and Emma happier. When he says things like that it’s supposed to show his low self-esteem.

This is kind of embarrassing to admit, but I actually got the title of this story from the name of an album by my favourite band :P I’m really bad at coming up with titles. Gifted was supposed to be a temporary title, but I grew to like it so I never ended up changing it :P Same with this story – I was struggling to think of a name, and I was listening to the band at the time. So then I thought, what about Day and Age? That fits. I was going to change it, but I never got round to it… xD

Thanks for reading! I'm glad it was enjoyable :) If you'd like me to read something in return, feel free to PM me.

Sadie, yay! My favourite character is back! Now I’ve got that moment of happiness out of way, I’ll say that this chapter was definitely much gloomier than the last two. I felt really sorry for Sadie at the beginning, when she’s sitting alone with the ducks while Jason was with his family and chatting to his mum in the last chapter. I wonder where she lives, if she has no family. Maybe an orphanage or something? I don't know :P

I’m glad that Sadie mentioned some of the things I was wondering about (like where Xavier and Calvin went :P). It’s good because it means these will probably be addressed at some point, so I’m excited to find out.

Oh, and I forgot to mention this earlier, but I’m still wondering who the new setahr is. I mean, I thought it was Bianca, but she didn’t mention it at all in her POV chapter and Amisto had no idea who Bianca was in this chapter, and surely he would remember her if she was the setahr. Although, does he know who the new setahr is? He said their identity was a secret, but I think he just meant from everyone else.By the way, what is the difference between a setahr and a head mage? I forgot :P

I am a bit confused about how magic works again, though. I know that Sadie and Jason have lost their magic because Amisto only gave them his power to borrow, but hadn’t Sadie learnt some magic before they started their mission? How does learning magic work?

Anyway, there was another redundant description in this chapter: ‘“As you can see, it is very much transparent. And useful for telling the future." It was transparent.’ We already know it’s transparent from the dialogue, so it doesn’t really need to be added onto the end.

“Now what can I help you with, my boy?” Amisto referred to Sadie as a boy. That’s not very nice of him :P

And a typo I spotted: “I tried to remember when I casted spells”

It was nice to see Jason again. It may just be me, but he definitely seems to have gained a lot of confidence since the end of Hunting Amaatlik. Probably because Amaatlik isn’t amplifying his feelings of hopelessness anymore or something. Still, it’s a great way to show how much their missions and adventures have changed them. I wonder how Sadie has changed, and I look forward to finding out if she has.

Anyway, this chapter was as humorous as the last one (well, except for Bianca’s sad backstory). I’m interested to see how this love potion thing works out ;) I feel a bit sorry for Bianca though. Surely she’s going to be upset if Jason acts like he loves her but then it’s only because of a potion. I don’t think Alex has really thought this one through if he’s trying to make her feel better or something :P But at the same time, I’m anxious because I’m waiting for something bad to happen to Jason like it says in the summary. I have a feeling the story is going to be really light and humorous until then, and then it’ll become darker again. Anyway, I’m curious to see what happens :P

I was a bit confused when they were talking about Amisto taking away their magic – the way you wrote it made it sound like Sadie was the only one to lose her powers, but then Jason said he wanted Amisto to teach him, magic, so… “As soon as the mission was over, the old man took back his magic and Sadie couldn't really cast any spells. Anymore.” Should it be “Sadie and I” or something? :P

I noticed there was a lot of repetition of the word “magic” and “magical” and “magically” at some parts in this chapter :P I know it’s a story with, well, magic, but perhaps you could find another way to say it? xD

I found it a little strange when Alex referred to his mum as, well, mum in his dialogue :P I know it’s because he’s from “Broton” but it struck me as odd, because if it’s written from Jason’s POV wouldn’t he write mom instead? I know it might just be my accent and all, but to me British people sound more like they're saying "mom" than American people do lol. Sorry if that's confusing...

And that reminds me - If Scotia is the equivalent to Scotland, and Welas is Wales, Broton should be some replacement for England instead of Britain. Britain refers to Scotland, Wales and England together, but they were talking as if Broton/Britain is the country in South of Scotia/Scotland and north of Welas/Wales even though it's not. I know this is fantasy so perhaps Broton is referring to strictly England in this story, but still it bugged me :P

Also, I was confused when Jason said he and Alex had blue eyes. I don’t really remember much about their appearances, but I swear I read Jason having green eyes somewhere. Am I just going crazy? :P

I can’t say I’m an expert on New York, but Kayla and Ariana sure did seem to see a lot of museums and stuff in one day :P I don’t know about the geography of these places or how long it takes to visit them, but that struck me as odd. Or maybe I’m just lazy and could never do so many things in one day without collapsing :P

Ariana's reaction to seeing the September 11 memorial was sad. It's not really something I think of often, because we have our own memorial days and stuff for different things, but it definitely seemed fitting for her to have such a reaction. She's a very empathetic person, isn't she?

And Claire’s back! That part was definitely the most interesting bit of the chapter ;) I wonder what she is, a ghost? Or an angel, or something :P I wonder if she’ll appear again, maybe to Kayla next time.

I’m curious if Ariana will meet her daughter again. Part of me thinks she will, just to see if she’s okay and anything. I don’t think she’ll ever get to live with her or anything, as she’s been adopted. But I do hope that, if she wants to, the girl’s parents will let her meet Ariana. But then a part of me thinks she won’t, and Ariana will just be left to wonder what happened to her. I hope she does get to meet her, so she knows she’s okay an being treated well and stuff.

Ahhh, I hate guns too!! xD I could definitely relate to Ari in this chapter :P Although my fear doesn’t stem from being shot by one, but still. Her thought process about it was interesting, though. I think it’s good if she’s able to gain a little confidence that way.

It’s interesting how Ariana had never seen the ocean. I never would have thought of that, because like Kayla I grew up with the beach close by, so it seems so normal to me :P But it got me thinking, of how endless it really can seem. You’re turning me into a philosopher! xD Still, I’m excited for the next few chapters. New York is one of those cities on my Places to Travel list, so it should be fun :3 I still have the feeling like anything could happen in this story from now on, so I'm excited.

Thanks for the comment! :) About the thing with the bandage, he already had scratches on his face from before, but he didn’t want his parents to know that he reopened them. So when they see the bandage they will think it is for the old scratches, and therefore he covers up the fact that he scratched himself again. It won’t work for that long, but that’s why he does it :P

As for the niceness of people, well… A lot of people (like Dan and Jake’s parents) are kind of tiptoeing around him at the moment. There isn’t exactly any outright mean people in this story (well, there are, but not for a while) but a few characters have their moments quite soon. I don’t know whether that’s enough or not :P And you’re not too harsh. Although I’m not sure what you mean about swear words lol. I checked it over and I couldn’t find any, aside from Michael swearing in the prologue.

G’Day! I feel like such a stereotypical person saying that :P

Perhaps something to improve on, more in your descriptive sections, is to make the sentences longer. When you were describing the villains there were a few instances where I thought you could combine two sentences together. I feel it just flows better that way.

I have a theory about who the masked girl is, but I don’t want to say in case I’m wrong. I always feel that way with mysteries, I like guessing but I don’t like admitting my theories in case I’m completely on the wrong track xD Anyway, I liked your action scenes, they were well written and exciting.

Overall, your grammar and spelling seemed to improve a lot with this chapter. There were still a few errors, but overall there was vast improvement! Well done :)

And it’s my pleasure with the comments :)

Hi, sorry it’s been a while since I last commented. Once again, I really loved your characterisation in this chapter. I think all your characters have distinct personalities, and their dialogue is really fun to read and natural. And it adds a lot of humour, too – I found Tennana’s showing off hilarious :P Especially the stuff about the cars. What’s a four year old going to do with car lol ;)

Anyway, the plot is definitely still interesting, don’t worry ;) I don’t really have any idea what the shadow rider’s going to do next, so you’re definitely keeping me in suspense. I don’t read/write mystery stories often, but I think you’re doing a good job.

I like the romance in this chapter too. Not over the top, but just enough to get readers wanting more ;) That’s the kind of romance I like to read.

Something I noticed – at times, you seem to switch between dialogue and action multiple times in one chapter. This can be quite confusing to read, so it’s best to split it up. As for grammar, you’re still making a few mistakes with your dialogue structure – if you have action before dialogue, there should be a full stop before the quotation marks. I noticed quite a few places where they weren’t there.

So, Bianca is a ghost! But I’m not really sure how ghosts work in this story. I mean, Bianca obviously doesn’t age, but she does eat, like she did in this chapter. And how come Alex, Jason, Sadie, etc. have been able to see her but the people at the funeral weren’t? Does she become more human like over time? :P

Anyway, I liked the humour at the beginning of the chapter. Like when Bianca called Jason her future boyfriend, that made me laugh :P It’s funny how Bianca is technically Alex’s aunt. I’m curious about what happened to make Jason not like Bianca anymore, or just to avoid her if he does still like her. Perhaps Amaatlik had something to do with the love at first sight thing using his mind control powers, and now he’s gone Jason no longer loves her. Or maybe it’s something like he’s realised how much danger he could put her in after the dream and fight with Amaatlik, so he’s doing that thing heroes in movies do where they break up (or ignore) the heroine for their own protection. I hope that doesn’t happen, and I doubt it will because it would be very cheesy ;)

Anyway, overall I think this was a good introduction to Bianca’s character. She feels much more like a real person now, but it’s understandable that she hasn’t really until now because she didn’t really do much in the first book.  I really enjoyed finding out more about her, and I’m looking forward to more POV sections from her in the future.

There were a few more redundant descriptions in this chapter. Like this one: “He desperately checked Bianca's breathing and pulse. He kept checking.” It sounds repetitive as well, and we already know he’s checking her pulse so it seems unnecessary to me :P

During some of the dialogue when Bianca was dying, it felt a little emotionless. I think perhaps you should describe her and mum’s actions more. Like, what did Bianca’s mum do when she said “No, it can’ be.” – Did she cry, did she shake her head? It would make it feel less like normal dialogue when her daughter’s lying there, dead.

Something random: when her parents said “she was the best daughter ever” at her funeral  - to me it seems like something adults wouldn’t say at a funeral. I’d imagine them saying, “she was the best daughter we could ever ask for” or something like that. I don’t know, it sounds more grown up :P Not that I really know, because I’m young, but still.

Haha, sorry about all the height jokes in this story… I’m almost six feet tall, so I can’t help but make fun of short people. It’s like a compulsion… My real life short friends must hate me, because I tease them a lot.

And yes, 805 is bitter. Just a little bit :P As for Reagan, I can't say much... xD

A canteen isn’t actually the same as a cafeteria, most schools don’t have an equivalent of a cafeteria. At least, mine didn’t :P. It’s similar and you can buy food from there, but there’s no tables or anything. In Australian schools we eat outside, as it almost never rains (at least, in Perth it doesn’t), and most people bring their lunch from home. The only thing I think that you do need to know is the types of subjects you can do. There’s TEE subjects, which are done by students aiming to get into university, and non-TEE subjects, which are done by students who want to do apprenticeships, or  go to TAFE (I don’t know what the equivalent of that is in America), and that sort of thing.

No, I don’t use the five stages of grief. Mostly because they’re  I think they're too generalised – I’ve read a lot of biographies and stuff about grief (don’t judge me, I find psychology interesting :P) and almost all of them bash the five stages of grief, saying they’re inaccurate because grief and how it happens varies from person to person. I think they are good as a basic model, but I haven’t ever deliberately referenced them when writing this story. Most people who’ve commented on this say they find Jake’s reaction realistic, so hopefully it’s okay.

I understand what you mean about the expectedness (it's a word now) of this story :P The first three chapters or so are pretty generic. It gets a bit weirder after chapter four, so I hope there’ll be more unexpected events after that :P

Sorry for the late reply. As for which two chapters… Hmm, well if you put it between chapter 24 and 25 then you could have some suspense about the dark shape before revealing it was Calvin, or perhaps between chapter 25 and 26 – either way the fight with Amaatlik will then be right after the two nightmare chapters, which is where the tension was the highest. Anyway, those are two spots I can think of, but you might think something else is better. But perhaps you should see how more people react to it – I mean, I might find it a bit out of place there but they might find it more suspenseful like you thought :P

And I don’t think your sexist, by the way. I’m sorry if I implied that, I didn’t mean to.

I was surprised there wasn’t much mention about how Sadie had been tricked by Amaatlik into thinking that Jason and co. were evil. I mean, it almost seemed like she forgot about it. I’m sure it will be mentioned later on, but perhaps even a small mention in this chapter would be good.

As for the new setahr, I’m certain it’s Bianca ;) After all, she’s probably the one who wrote that letter, and she’s a sorceress too… And her brother was the setahr, so it fits that she’d want to take over for him. But she’s likely a ghost or something, so that could complicate things just a bit :P

Anyway, overall this was a good epilogue. It seemed very peaceful after the last few chapters, and it’s heart-warming to see how Draida’s citizens celebrated their victory. I was scared for a moment when no one was there (yeah, you got me ;P), but then they were so it was good. It felt like a good ending, the fighting was over and it was nice and peaceful, but there are still some questions left unanswered to keep me reading the series.

Now for the stuff about the story overall: I really enjoyed this story. The last ten chapters or so were especially good. I think you built the climax well (aside from that chapter with Noah, that seemed odd to me). Amaatlik was an interesting villain, and I liked how he influenced their minds and stuff instead of being physically strong, as it sets him apart from most villains. Overall I really enjoyed his character, and I hope it’s not completely over for him ;)

The other characters are good too. You did a good job in making Sadie and Jason distinct from each other, and they were both good characters in their own right. The secondary characters are mostly interesting too. I really like Skylos and Xavier best out of them, I hope they have larger roles in the sequel.

 Maybe someone I’d like to see have more of a role is Bianca, because she comes off as a bit of a designated love interest at the moment. This is because she doesn’t really have much of a role aside from being Jason’s crush, and to be honest his crush on her isn’t really that convincing. I don’t mean just because it’s love at first sight – I’m willing to accept that, but people keep saying Jason loves Bianca or whatever and he’ll blush a bit when she’s around but he doesn’t really mention her very often, although he did a few times in chapter 29. It's like, I'm being told that Jason has a crush on Bianca, but I'm really not being shown enough evidence. I know there isn't much romance in this story and that doesn't bother me or anything, but if it's meant to be a part of his motivation then I think it's important. But you said she has a larger role in the sequel, and I think she’s the new setahr, so hopefully this will be remedied then. I'm also looking forward to seeing her character aside from being Jason's love interest.

 About action and stuff – there isn’t much physical fighting, and I talked about the fight scene in my last comment in terms of what was good/bad about it. I don’t think you really need more action than you’ve got. I mean, Amaatlik’s mind games and stuff provides tension and is exciting even if there isn’t much physical fighting.

And finally, the plot. Overall, I think you had an interesting storyline. The twists were good, like Rex being good and Skylos appearing at the end. Sometimes I found it a little confusing, but that’s probably because I’m not that smart :P Plus there's lots of things I'm curious about - Jason's powers, Sadie's family, Bianca, Noah...

Anyway, I’m definitely excited for the sequel! Although, it’s not like I’ll have to wait long, because I’ll probably start it tomorrow. But until then, I’ll be excited for the sequel! xD Feel free to ask me anything, because I’m sure there’s things I’ve forgotten.

Skylos is back! I have to say, I wasn’t expecting that ;) Still, that was definitely the highlight of the fight against Amaatlik – something unexpected, and it definitely made the fight more exciting. I like how an event from earlier on becomes important to the final battle. At the time I thought it was a standalone scene, but now I see that it must have been planned carefully. I’m happy that Skylos is on their side, although I’m sure Sadie will probably be suspicious :P

I liked how you had Amaatlik’s story again. It was good to be reminded of it :P I was kind of sad that Amaatlik as a wand turned into a tree. For a while I thought he’d become kind of like Calvin was, which would be entertaining. But I suppose if he had stayed a wand that might be too dangerous – after all, he’d gain a lot of power that way. Still, I hope we haven’t seen the last of him, because he was a cool character. I’m curious about Jason’s powers. After all, he didn’t even know that spell, and just shouted a random word, but it worked. I really wonder why he’s so powerful, even though I know this probably won’t be revealed for a long time. Oh well, gives me a lot of time to speculate, which is fun :3

Aw, Xavier has parents… My theories are crushed! xD I was certain he was young Alex’s son… Oh well, it’s good for him that he found them :P

Anyway, the fight scenes were good (although brief). Some of the “action words” were a bit repetitive. You said attacked or attack quite a lot. And you used the word sword often – I like to substitute it for “blade” or “weapon” because I’ve had that problem too. I got told off for it once ;) Still, I enjoyed the scenes, because they were very different from the usual “final battle” scenes. I think they fit the tone of the story well, and there was humour throughout but it didn’t seem out of place or anything.

Perhaps one thing that did disappoint me is that Amaatlik seemed to be finished off rather easily – Jason didn’t even get injured! But, I think in a way this fits because Amaatlik’s forte is manipulating minds, and he’s not that physically menacing, really. But still, it might make the final fight a little more tense if there seemed to be higher stakes. Even in the sword fighting – if Jason is bad at using a sword, and Amaatlik is good or just better than him, I’d expect him to at least get a cut or something :P Of course, these are just suggestions, and the scenes were good.

And Sadie’s role does make sense. When I read it I just thought, “oh, I guess I was wrong. Sadie did believe the dream that Jason and the others are evil”. I reread that other chapter, and I’m embarrassed that I missed it, because it was pretty obvious :P I was tired, that must be it. Totally! xD Nah, I’m just stupid…

 One thing that did disappoint me though is that Sadie only made a very brief appearance. I had expected her to play more of a role in the climax (even if it was on the villain’s side). I don’t know, I feel like this has a bit of wasted potential – Sadie thinking they are all evil and fighting against them could have been really interesting to read. Maybe it’s just because she’s my favourite character, and I’m disappointed Jason got all the action ;) But I have a feeling this will probably be an important part of her character development in the sequel. I think she’ll be upset that Amaatlik managed to trick her, and she’ll be sad that Jason had to do it by himself without her help, even though they set off on the mission together.

Also, there was a line that confused me from the letter: In your nightmare you saw that Sadie was attacked by imps. This really did happen. But he is out there, and if you can find him, he will join you. Is this supposed to be referring to Sadie? I wasn’t sure, because they all said “he” but perhaps you missed the whole line when changing her gender because I don’t see who else it could be about :P Also, this quote which is referring to Sadie: “made him think we were evil.”

Oh, and I found another evilly: “He laughed evilly to himself”

I’m suspicious of Noah because he thought of naming his sword Bob, but he settled on a different name so I suppose I can forgive him. Still, I’m curious how he’ll play a role in the future. Perhaps he’ll join their “team” at some point, or maybe he’ll be a villain (that would be a twist ;P). It’s interesting to see how Amaatlik’s powers have been effecting others too. At least, that’s what I’m assuming was happening as he said his men had been more aggressive lately :P Or maybe it’s something else, because of the purple stars thing, as I haven't heard of that before (at least, not in my memory, which is pretty bad, so...)

 Something I was a little confused about – A couple of times you seemed to say  Noah was falling on a brush, going through a brush… At first I thought it was just a typo for bush, but then it happened twice. Is that a language difference thing or is it just the same typo twice? :P

I found in the very first paragraph that birds/bird was said 4 times :P It was a bit repetitive. And Joseph spoke desperately a number of times :P Also, do they have Easter in this world? Noah mentioned the Easter bunny :3 Like the Jekyll and Hyde thing I don’t think it has to be taken out if you don’t want it to, but I thought I’d point it out in case you did.

In a way, I feel like introducing Noah at this point is a little anti-climatic. I feel like for the last few chapters you’ve been building up the tension really well, but this chapter just threw me off course. I don’t feel as if I enjoyed it as much as I would have if it was in another place – the stuff happening in the chapter wasn’t boring, but I’m more interested in Sadie and Jason and Amaatlik, so it was a bit tedious to read… I know it’s probably going to be important later on, in the sequel maybe, but it seemed out of place. Of course, that is just my opinion, and you probably intended it to be this way. So feel free to ignore it if you think this is the best place for it.

Oh and about the short/long sentences thing – I know what you mean about long sentences being for more formal writing and short sentences being more informal. I think most of the sentences are okay the length they are, because the story is often light-hearted and informal. It’s just during the more emotional bits that I think longer ones would be better, like in the last chapter. But I am biased because I like long sentences :P

It’s ironic, that Sadie said “I’m sorry if the last chapter depressed you”, when this chapter depressed me more than that one did :P I think that’s because I relate more to Sadie. I want to give her a hug, :P I’m really curious about her family. I know you said that it won’t be until the sequel, but I’m curious already… xD Oh well, I’ll just have to wait. I was glad she figured out it was a dream, because I thought for a while she wasn’t going to and I was going, “Sadie, no!!! You’re smarter than this!” xD

The end made me feel sad too. Somebody needs to give Sadie a hug, so she knows she’s not alone. Still, even if Sadie does decide to try and defeat Amaatlik by herself, I’m sure she’ll probably be stopped by Jason or realise she needs Jason or something. And then they'll defeat Amaatlik using the Power of Friendship and all that :P Or maybe she'll decide not to go after him, and then Jason will convince her to defeat Amaatlik with him.

I thought it was a bit weird when Amaatlik went: “Some call me Kiltaama”. I mean, nobody’s ever called him that before, so for me it seemed random :P And again there were quite a few places where I feel like the sentences could be combined together. I mean, for me it just makes the emotion feel more real (I have no idea why :P) when the sentences are longer and sort of flow together. Sadie’s dream made me sad, but sometimes I found the short sentences a bit distracting. Sorry if I’m just weird.

Yes, there really is a journal like that ;) It’s the same in that they write things in it and it writes back. I'm surprised nobody's mentioned it, because it was pretty much the first thing I thought of when they found the book lol. I’m sorry, by the way. I didn’t realise you hadn’t read it, so I gave you a spoiler by saying who the diary belonged to… If you ever read Harry Potter, make sure you forget what I just told you :P I have the same thing happen to me, although not with Harry Potter. I might have told you this, but my story gets compared to Divergent a lot, which I’d never even heard of before :P

Amaatlik’s powers are cool. Even though he’s a small, less powerful demon, and probably isn’t very strong physically (unless he was telling the truth when he says he’s gotten a lot stronger, I wasn’t sure if he was bluffing or not), his main powers are obviously with the mind, like the illusions he created in this chapter. I like how so far this story has had more of a “mind battle” than a physical battle. Of course, I am expecting there to be some sort of fight between Sadie, Jason and Amaatlik, but so far the mind battle and fighting amongst themselves has been interesting too. I don’t think it matters there hasn’t been much action so far, because all the possessions and fighting and confusion has been suspenseful enough :P

I’m a bit disappointed we didn’t get a description of Amaatlik, though ;) I know Jason’s to sickened to describe him, but that makes me very curious haha. Oh well, I’ll just have to imagine it myself if he never gets described.

“defeating an ancient monster, i.e. me?” It seems strange that someone would say i.e in speech, especially an ancient demon like Amaatlik :P Perhaps he should say “like me” instead or something. Also, at one point Amaatlik was described as saying something “evilly”. I think I remember you using that word a few times before to describe someone’s speech, and I don’t think it’s a very good descriptive word to use, as we don’t need to be told someone is evil :P

 “They are very resourceful boys.” Sadie is counted as a boy again :P

I don’t think Calvin is evil – I think he’s either being controlled by Amaatlik (as he said before that Amaatlik could not use mind control on humans, only suggest things, but Calvin isn’t a human) or Calvin was captured with Xavier and it’s Amaatlik or one of his minions in disguise. After all, he’s been pretty nice and friendly to Jason so far, so why would he suddenly abandon him? xD

I thought it was a bit mean of Jason to hit Sadie in the face with a book (not a criticism, by the way, just an observation). It seems like he and Sadie have the opposite problem – Jason can sometimes be overly trusting, but Sadie probably doesn’t trust and accept help enough. I think I can relate more to Sadie in this aspect, as I’m a suspicious person :3

The thing with the book was also very curious. I must admit, I’m getting a bad feeling about it, mostly because it reminds me of Voldemort’s diary from Harry Potter ;) It seems all to convenient for them to come across this house with wands and food and stuff to let them rest up before going off to defeat Amaatlik. But then, I don’t see how it could be a trick, so perhaps it really was someone wanting to help them :P Maybe I should take Jason’s advice and be more trusting ;)

When the writing was in italics I was getting a bit confused as to who was writing what. Perhaps you could distinguish between Jason’s writing and the book’s writing somehow, maybe by bolding or underlining one of them or something like that.

When Sadie said: "Dude, say something! Anything!" I feel that “dude” is something a girl wouldn’t say in that situation. I mean, sure they might use that word in every day speech (I know I do :P), but not when his life hangs in the balance. I think she should just say “Jason” instead. I also found it strange how, at first she distrusted the book, but then she decided to trust it because it told her to trust it? I’m not sure if I really understood that part, because it seems odd.

I was also a bit confused as to why Jason sunk so easily to the bottom of the ocean. Humans usually float in water, because of buoyancy and all that (people drown because they can’t keep their head up, but they still stay near the surface).

“After looking in the hole, he pulled out a giant pepperoni pizza that shouldn't have fit in the hole” I felt the use of “the hole” twice was repetitious :P

I’m sorry if I offended you by saying you might not like it. I just say that when people want to read this story because I know a lot of people who don’t like depressing drama stuff, and I don’t want people to feel obligated to read it. Anyway, feel free to review at any pace you like :) I’m still the one who’s behind, so there’s no rush or anything.

I don’t think it’s that weird that they hugged and stuff, although I probably was a bit excessive :P But I tend to be excessive about drama in general, no matter whether the characters are boys or girls. Anyway, Michael did just find out he had cancer, so I don’t think it’s that weird that they’d hug and cry (holding hands was over the top though)…  I actually have a lot of guy friends (and most of them aren’t gay) who hug each other. They hug each other more than I hug my girl friends :P But, even in saying that, please let me know if the characters (particularly Jake) are too girly. I mean, he’s not supposed to be the manliest guy in the world, but I probably step over the line at times.

As for their appearances, that is given in chapter one. I wrote this prologue after I wrote the first chapter, and so I didn’t describe them because it’s in the next one :P They are identical twins, which is why they’re singularised (my spellcheck says that's a word) by the school.

I don’t think it matters if there are a few references to real life. I mean, this isn’t a super serious realistic story, and I haven’t noticed that many so far, so I don’t think you need to take them out. It’s kind of like the breaking the fourth wall stuff when the characters talk about the story, it’s not realistic but it’s funny to read :P

And Calvin could have changed into a mermaid like he did in that other chapter to write it :P

I found the Mwah ha ha at the end of the letter funny :P Such villainous stuff :P And “my useless adversaries” too. Hehe.

I also found it interesting when Sadie and Jason were talking about how being sorcerers changed them, and how they never fought before becoming sorcerers. I mean, Amaatlik may have had something to do with the extent they fought but as they said the thoughts were already there. I wonder if they’ll begin to resent their decision. I think it’s interesting, because learning magic is always seen as really cool and fun (like in Harry Potter), but I like how you’re showing the bad side of it, as missions can be scary and it’s changed them so they fight a lot more. I wonder if someone will decide to give up magic in the future or something like that (even if it’s temporary).

Anyway, I wonder what the chocolate Jason ate will do. Maybe he’ll gain some cool but temporary powers.

I hope Calvin and Xavier are okay. I wonder how they got themselves captured by Amaatlik, if they did. I mean, wouldn’t he have taken Jason and Sadie too, because then he wouldn’t have to worry about them coming after him if they were already under his control and kept captive wherever Xavier and Calvin are. Maybe they went somewhere by themselves, and that’s how he was able to catch them (they went swimming in the ocean or something?). Unless that note really was something Calvin had written to make Xavier less scared, like Jason had thought (but, I thought it was just wishful thinking or something :P). But then the dark shape at the end could be Calvin, so perhaps it really was something he’d written. Sorry for making you read through my weird thought processes, by the way :P

Sadie repeated the phrase “last night” twice in some dialogue. First she said, “dream last night,” then Jason said something, and then she said “screaming and kissing for hours last night”. This might just be me and my weirdness, but I found it repetitive. I think the second one can be taken out.

 Also, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t Jekyll spelt this way instead of “Jeckle”? :P And how would Jason know about Jekyll and Hyde anyway? Does that story exist in their world too? xD

Something I found a bit odd, was when Ariana is described as holding “Fluffers the Cat”. For one thing, I don’t really see why Cat is capitalised, and we already know Fluffers is a cat :P Anyway, it seemed a bit weird ;) And this might be an American-British English thing, but I have always spelt it “nightie” and I noticed you spelt it “nighty”. I find language differences interesting. Like in this chapter, with cotton candy. In Australia we call it fairy floss. Anyway, I thought I’d point the nightie thing out, although it might not be wrong :P Sorry for being such a nerd :P

I wonder why Ariana is scared of clowns. Is she scared of them because of the same reason I’m scared of them (they’re really creepy :P) or is there some other reason? xD

Anyway, I’m very intrigued at the moment because I don’t really have any idea of where this story is going to go at this point (which is a good thing. I like surprises). The only thing I’m certain is going to happen is Ariana meeting her father, as I said for the last chapter. But will they meet at the jail? Will he escape? I have no idea :P Although, Ariana and Kayla are going to go travelling, I guess, that’s something. I wonder where else they’ll go after San Diego (where is that, by the way? I mean, I know it’s in America, but where?). They should come to Australia ;) Still, I’m again getting the feeling that something bad is going to happen soon. They’re far too happy :P

It’s good they’ve finally realised something is up. So Bob/Francis/possibly Amaatlik have been influencing their thoughts… I think that they’re deliberately playing on their fears and annoyances with each other so they won’t be able to work together and defeat Amaatlik. Hopefully now they’ve realised that they’ll be able to resist, and possibly get back on good terms so they can defeat him together.  But, I doubt it will really be that simple ;) I’m sure the villains have more tricks up their sleeves. Anyway I’m excited now, because Amaatlik is surely going to appear soon (if he hasn’t already as Francis/Bob).

Although, I wonder who Calvin’s mind person was, the female one. I have a feeling that thread may be left hanging until the sequel/future sequels.

Also, I thought Calvin was very good in this chapter. He was disagreeing and having his own opinion and stuff, which is a lot different from before when he was kind of like Jason’s sidekick wand friend :P He’s definitely a lot more distinctive now. Xavier’s comments were funny too – he seemed to be the only sane one of the group in this chapter when they were all arguing. I like that even though he’s only been in a couple of chapters, he already feels like part of the group and fits into the story well.

I also liked the details you had in this chapter, like Sadie saying she had never really been in water before. That’s something I never would have thought of :P

 I found it confusing at the beginning, when Calvin told Sadie not to talk or breathe underwater, but then she did anyway with no ill effects. I know he used a spell on her or whatever, but it confused me a little when I read it :P Also, something that I haven’t mentioned for a long time, but I still feel like you should write said more, instead of lots of other dialogue tags. Sorry for being picky :P I’m having trouble finding things to be picky about in these chapters.

I also found it a little strange in this chapter, when Jason accused Sadie of killing Rudolph, and she acted like she did it deliberately. I don’t know, to me it doesn’t seem like something she’d do, even if he was evil. I thought she was being influenced by Francis, but now I’m confused :P

This was a really good chapter, definitely one of my favourites (if not my favourite) so far. The second half was especially good. The action stuff was  fast paced and exciting. I’m not that much of an expert, but it seemed good to me. And Jason knowing mind magic was interesting too. As for Xavier, I think he’s Alex’s (the younger one) son, and he ran away from Draida to try and find his parents. Although, I don’t know if his wife went with him, as she wasn’t stuck on that island… Unless she died or something. Or maybe his parents are unrelated, who knows :P Still, the ending made me scared for Sadie and Calvin. I’m sure they’re still alive (Calvin is a fidi, after all), but it’s still nerve-wrecking :P

Anyway, this chapter makes me think that Bianca must be a ghost. It was either that or accidental time traveller ;) Rudolph said a ghost wouldn’t know that they were a ghost, and she doesn’t seem to understand what happened, so maybe she died soon after Rex left. I wonder how she died, if she did.

But I don’t think Jason is really a ghost. I mean, he could be, but I think that Francis guy just made that up to convince Sadie to leave them behind. And he bled when that guard hurt him, so… Still, his reactions to finding out he might be were funny :P Particularly when he said his parents were going to kill him :P

I doubt Sadie would have tried to kill Rudolph (and Jason, but she thought he was already dead). It doesn’t seem at all like her. I mean, I think she meant to lock them away, but not starve them of air. Francis/Bob definitely had something to do with that, and then by saving Jason they have gained his trust and turned him against Sadie. Very crafty :P

 Ugh, Bob. Anyone named Bob is a horrible person (sorry if you know someone called Bob. I have a strange prejudice against that name…) Although I don’t think his name is really Bob, as I think Francis and him are the same person (or in league with each other) and using a fake names. I think they’re either working for or are Amaatlik. Still, the fact he though Bob was an appropriate choice tells me a lot about his character. Gosh, you must think I’m the weirdest person ever :P

When someone is sleeping ((or in hibernation) a decent amount of oxygen is still required. Sure, you need less, but it wouldn’t be enough of a significant difference for Jason to somehow survive when the room has been starved of air. Of course, magic is involved, so it could have erased his need to breathe or something, I just think that Rudolph comparing it to sleep and hibernation was odd.

And when you described Jason seeing Sadie in the mirror, first you said she was in Draida but then it changed to her being in the poor section of Barcos. That confused me a little :P

“before they hurted her” hurt not hurted :P

When Jason says to Sadie "I thought I know you!" For me that sounds weird. I think it would be better I thought I knew you, even though that’s in past tense it sounds more correct and what someone would say.

Anyway, lots of stuff happened in this chapter, and if there's anything I haven't covered feel free to ask :) And sorry if this comment is really scatter-brained, I'm rather tired :P

Sorry this comment is so late. I’ve been a bit sick these past few days :( Anyway, I’ll try and do at least three tonight to make up for it.

Reading from Calvin’s POV was interesting. I do feel like I understand him better as an individual now, especially as he was separate from Jason and had his own issues (when he was thinking of being powerless). Although, this is something I’m wondering about. Life as a wand doesn’t seem that much different from his life as a Fidi. I mean, he can turn back into a Fidi, and he can choose to go into wand form… And he has cool powers now. Does his master (Jason) have the power to force him to obey, and that’s why it’s a punishment? Sorry for being dumb :P You’ve probably already mentioned that or something, but I forgot.

Anyway, overall I think this chapter did do a good job of developing Calvin beyond being Jason’s wand/friend. Perhaps you could add a bit more, but if he’s supposed to be a mystery or whatever until later, then I don’t think it’s a really big issue or anything. Maybe you could give a few more hints and stuff earlier on, though, and develop him a little more gradually. But as I said it's nothing major.

Xavier is interesting too. I wonder if he’ll become a sorcerer too.  He knows Merlin, so maybe he’s already interested in learning magic. That explains his interest in Calvin too. I wonder what part he will play in the story. At the moment I don’t really have any ideas :P Although, if he knows Merlin does that mean he knows Rex too? Or did they meet after he left?

So, Rex’s dog is a sorcerer too or whatever… I wonder if he’s a human turned dog or if he’s really a dog like Skylos. It’s kind of sad that he has to live by himself now that Rex is stuck on that island. Although, I wonder why he asked them to leave suddenly. And it was right after Xavier asked him what happened… Hmm, suspicious :P Or maybe he just doesn’t like to be reminded of what happened to Rex.

"But I used a homing spell and it lead me here.” It should be led instead of lead :P And I know I haven’t mentioned this in a while, but in this chapter there were another couple of places where you switched between dialogue and action without changing the paragraph. Oh, and there was a sentence of full capitals again: “WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?” (sorry, it bugs me more than it should :P)

It’s very late here, so I apologize in advance if this comment doesn’t make much sense :P

Hah, Rose! That’s interesting that she is the same person as the nurse Ariana knew. In my country we would say that she got “Perthed” :P Although, it didn’t happen in Perth, but whatever. Either way, it’s still a small world ;) I hope she appears again (I think I said that before :P) because she was cool. I wonder how Ariana and Kayla’s relationship will be different from now on. Even though Ariana has forgiven Kayla, she has definitely revealed her “dark side” and I’m curious to see how things will change.

I wonder if, or when, Ariana will visit her father. I have to say, I’d be very interested to see how that played out. Ariana may not think she’s that brave, but I think if she keeps building up her courage she’d be able to do it.

In this chapter (and part of the previous one) I felt like the characters were monologuing instead of actually talking at some point. I mean, the speeches they give are very romantic or meaningful depending on the situation, but they don’t really seem like they are actually sitting there saying these things to someone else, if you know what I mean. Maybe you could break them up somehow with some sort of action or movement in between the paragraphs of dialogue. Even something as simple as clearing throats, fidgeting, the sort of things people do when they talk, may help. Otherwise, the story just stands still while the characters deliver these big speeches. Sorry if that doesn't make sense, by the way. As I said I'm very tired :P

Also, in this chapter they kept switching between Dr Pinder and Dr Bradley. I honestly can’t remember what his name was from the last time he appeared, so I was getting a bit confused :P

Hmm, that was interesting. I’m not sure whether to believe Francis or not when he says that Rudolph is a bad guy and Jason is a ghost. I did find it a bit odd that Sadie believed him so easily, though. I mean, Francis didn’t even tell her how Jason died (if he did, as I’m not convinced he’s actually dead). Sadie up until now seemed pretty smart, but she believed some guy who she was previously told was evil that her best friend is apparently a ghost very, very easily. Perhaps you should change it so she takes more convincing? I mean, later after Calvin questions her she says it was because of Rudolph’s candle breaking and because Jason had been acting weird, but for me it still seems odd. Maybe make her question Francis, and then think about those things before deciding to trust him.

Speaking of Calvin, I’m a little suspicious of him now (sorry for being such a suspicious person). I mean, at first he questioned Sadie trusting Francis and I was like, “yeah, go Calvin!” but then he says she should have trusted him after all… I don’t know, I have a feeling he’s planning something. I don’t really have any idea what it could be, or if it's good or bad, but something :P

I liked the humour in this chapter as well, with the guards. It was funny how they remembered who they were. I admire your use of humour, it seems very natural and not out of place, even though the rest of the chapter was quite serious.

Anyway, the end was definitely interesting. Sadie and Jason are finally separated (I’ve been anticipating that for a while). I wonder what will happen now. I think Sadie is going to be led into a trap by Amaatlik, and then Jason and Rudolph (if he’s a good guy) will have to find her and then they’ll fight him.

This is something I’ve noticed a couple of times. Sometimes you have really short sentences (like two or three words) that I think could easily be merged with the sentence before it. Particularly around dialogue.  Like this one: “Jason said. He laughed.” I think you could easily change that to “Jason said, laughing” and for me it would flow better that way, as the second sentence is a bit unnecessary. But it’s a very minor complaint, I was just struggling to find things to nitpick about in this chapter other than the Sadie thing so I thought I’d mention it :P

Haha, last time someone assumed they were committing murder (instead of just investigating it) I told them the truth and then they were like, “No, you gave me a spoiler!” But I don’t think it really was one, because I didn’t say who died or anything xD Oh well.

I did actually consider making the Other Worlds the modern day world, but I figured they’d be too powerful that way and would’ve just curb-stomped the Gifted long ago ;)

I enjoyed the swimming lesson in the first half of the chapter. Calvin sure is a nice guy/fidi. I get a kind of “big brother” vibe from him. At least, he reminds me of my brothers. But they can’t transform into sea creatures (how disappointing).

 Although, I feel he needs a bit more “individual” characterisation, if that makes sense. It probably doesn’t, because I made it up ;) I mean, so far he’s done nice things for Jason, but I don’t really know much about him individually. I mean, what are his motivations, what was his life like, that sort of thing. I feel at the moment he needs a bit more development beyond him being nice and a friend to Jason. Of course, this could very well be in future chapters, so I’ll keep reading on to find out more about him ;)

Anyway, the ending part definitely caught my attention. I guess Jason must have been possessed or something, to poison Sadie without remembering it. Perhaps it was by the same person who spoke to Sadie in the last chapter. Whoever it is, they must want to drive Jason and Sadie apart. At least, that’s what I think, after last chapter and this one. Or they might just want to kill her. That too :P

I’ve been thinking about what you said. I’ve enjoyed all of the chapters I’ve read so far.  Some I’ve liked more than others, obviously, but there’s none that I’ve disliked completely. The main thing I think should be taken out or reworked is perhaps the thing with the cave when they were stranded on that island. I know it’s not meant to have any significance to the plot, and you said was supposed to show their disorientation, but when I read it I was more confused than anything. It seemed a bit random. I think it’s a good idea, but perhaps it should be reworked somehow so idiots like me don’t get confused :P Anyway, I haven’t really noticed something I thought was filler. At least, not bad filler. Most of the filler you do have (like the swimming lesson in this chapter) had character development so it’s good. There hasn’t been much action so far, but I’ll wait until I’ve read further before commenting about that. After all, Amaatlik hasn’t even appeared yet :P

Haha, Carey’s reaction to his death is a bit odd. She’s feeling really guilty and upset, so she’s sort of dissociated him from the boy that tried to rape and murder her. It helps that he’s around her age, and has a bit of physical resemblance to her brother, so she’s sort of imagining it happening to him or herself. Plus he just gave her that speech, so... xD

Lol, I have to say I expected people to think that 805 was somehow connected to them… But I’m not saying whether it’s true or not ;)

Thanks for the comment! It’s good, your reaction to 440’s death is what I was aiming for. I didn’t want to excuse what he’d done, but at the same time I did want to redeem him a little. He’s quite a tragic character, really. I mean, he did get tortured and see his best friend be tortured in front of him, that’s enough to make most people go crazy. And while 256 made himself forget to cope with it, 440 took a… different route, shall we say.

As for 805, the Gifted would definitely not approve of him drinking :P Another example of how he’s a hypocrite, as he’s breaking the rules but at the same time he punishes rule-breakers.

Anyway, let’s just say that the murder they spoke of is not quite what you’re thinking… I’d say but last time I got in trouble for giving someone a spoiler (even though I don’t really think it’s spoiler). Anyway, it'll make more sense why 805 is afraid in chapter 24 ;)

There were some interesting developments in this chapter. The shadow rider is interesting – I wonder what his motivation is, and who he is for that matter. I have a feeling he may turn out to be someone close to them. Anyway, this chapter was very interesting, I enjoyed it.

A first I found it strange that Lily Ann was able to guess the man’s exact height and weight so easily, but later when the other characters questioned her observational skills too I realised that it was a good way of showing her “double life” haha. I guess she must be pretty observant, being a crime-fighting teenager and all ;)

Although, I found it a bit strange that they actually rode their horses to Sadie’s house instead of walking/driving. Do people really do that? I have no idea, because I’m a city girl, but I thought I’d mention it anyway :3

There were still some grammar errors in this chapter, mostly the same dialogue stuff I talked about with the last one. Here’s something I thought I’d point out: “dark blue shudders” I think in this context it should be shutters, not shudders.

And I smell a romance on the horizon… xD

Oh! I bet it’s Amaatlik! The voice that was talking to Sadie, I mean. Wait, I change my mind. That seems almost too obvious. Now I’m thinking it’s probably someone else, although they could be working for him or something. Or maybe someone completely unrelated :P I think maybe the person is implanting thoughts in Sadie’s head, getting her and Jason to fight because he knows that together they will have a chance of stopping Amaatlik, while if they’re alone they won’t. That’s my theory, anyway :P And now that Sadie’s alone, they’ll try and get her to help them or something, and turn her against Jason completely. Wow, that was more complicated then I intended it to be :P Sorry for making you read all my weird speculations… xD

Ruldoph is interesting too. I highly doubt he was just passing by, he must have searched for Sadie for a reason… I don’t really have any theories about him at the moment :P I’ll have to keep thinking.

Also, I was kind of confused when Sadie said that Jason was doing this to save Bianca… At first I thought she was just saying it out of anger, but then he didn’t deny it, so now I’m confused. I mean, sure, he seemed to have a crush on her, but if your intention is for him to be actually in love with her or something then his feelings seem a little forced. Because all the references to him being in love with her I thought were just Sadie and stuff teasing him, until this chapter when I thought, ‘Wait, he’s really in love with her? What?’ I mean, he barely even mentions her in his narrations. I know I’m a cynical old lady (who’s trapped in a young body) but I need more to convince me :P Particularly if it’s meant to be an important part of his motivation.

This sentence bugged me a little: “That was three ways to go; north, east, and west.” I think “there were” would be better here :P

I know I haven’t really been saying this, but feel free to ask me any question you’d like. I just remembered and thought I should say that :P

The part with the abrol was kind of sad. At first I was thinking, aww, what a nice talking tree! He’s right, monsters aren’t so bad! Although some of the things he was saying did seem suspicious (particularly about the potions). Still, I thought he was a nice guy/tree. And then Sadie revealed his deception…  xD I don’t think Jason really needs to grow up that much though. I think it is true that not all monsters are bad. Perhaps he does need to be more suspicious and less naïve (because he did trust that tree pretty easily) as some people/monsters are “bad”, but his mindset that not all of them are is correct in my opinion :P I mean, what Sadie said about monsters – that it’s rare to find one that will help you without expecting anything in return – is true about humans as well :P I know I certainly don’t know a lot of people who will do something nice just for the heck of it. Perhaps someone will point this out at some point… Maybe Amaatlik when he finally appears. I don’t know :P

I found it strange in this chapter when Jason thought that Sadie really was saying those things about them dying and stuff. I mean, I know he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed at times, but surely he’d suspect it wasn’t her? He knows her pretty well, so you’d think he’d realise that wasn’t something she’d say. Plus he should know that in that forest things like that can happen, even though Sadie said there were no monsters awake at that time. Unless that was some trick of the forest, making him feel more hopeless than usual or something. Anyway, I just found that a bit odd that he was so convinced she was actually saying it.

I know I’m a bit of a hypocrite for saying this, but there was something I thought should be capitalised: As fon is an acronym for Forest of Nightmares, it should be in capitals, shouldn’t it?

Oh, that was interesting. It’s good to get a glimpse of what is going on in the rest of the country. The Carriers are very isolated from normal society, after all, and I was wondering how they were coping with the plague elsewhere. I think it was very good of you to include this, it really adds an ominous tone knowing how much their bounties are and the state the rest of the world is in O.o Even if the plague is somehow stopped, the world will never go back to the way it used to be.

P.S about Graceyn’s name – I can’t say I’ve ever heard it before, is it pronounced “Grace – en?”

Gosh, that was a long chapter :P But, I can’t really think of a good place to split it, so I think it’s fine the way it is. But some people do have a problem with long chapters, so I guess it’s good to be aware of it. Still, the first part of the chapter until there fight was nice and humorous – after the darkness and sadness of the past chapters, it’s nice to get a bit of solid comedy again ;) The stuff with Alana and Cooper was cute too. It was interesting when he said that he’d once liked Ariana. I suppose it makes sense, but I like the platonic relationship they have now ;)

Anyway, the beginning was sweet and the emotions nice. I’m glad they fought, though. It adds more realism to the story, plus the things they argued about were things I’ve been concerned about (Kayla putting Ariana on a pedestal). I felt perhaps Ariana forgave her too easily (she said she didn’t, but it seemed to me she did :P), but then she is a forgiving person, and it would probably be hard not to after the big speech she gave ;)

Cultural differences are interesting. Where I come from damn isn’t considered a swear word at all (at least, not among most young people). But then Kayla was saying that Ariana swore because she said it :P I guess it must be a much worse word in America. Sorry for rambling, by the way.

Also, I’ve noticed this a few times now, but there are some places where you end dialogue “like this,” at the end of a sentence, when it should be “like this.” With a full stop instead of a comma as the sentence ends. It’s not a big deal, just something I’ve noticed happening a few times.

The scene with the magic shop was cool. I was imagining the shop from Buffy, and then Alex , was Giles :P Even though he’s younger than Giles… Hehe. Still, I felt sorry for him. Jason wasn’t being very nice. He needs to learn to respect his elders! :P The thing where Jason scared Sadie was interesting. I wonder how he learnt to make his face disappear like that. I also admire you for making up your own currency (well, I’m assuming it’s made up, as I’ve never heard it before :P). I’ve always been far too lazy to do that, so I just avoid mentioning it :P Anyway, it’s a good detail because it adds to the world and makes it seem natural.

Still, I’m excited. I wonder where their quest to find AMAATLIK (Hah!) will lead them. I’m excited, I’m hoping to see some cool action scenes. And after what you said about AMAATLIK I’m excited to meet him too.

Anyway, some of Amisto’s dialogue in this chapter I felt made him sound too young. I’m not sure how old he is (I kind of imagine him in his thirties or forties), but some of the things he says just don’t sound like something an adult would say. Kind of like Rex, but you said he wanted to seem young, so… Most of the time it’s alright, there were just a few places that I thought sounded odd, like this sentence: “You guys can get that stuff at your houses”. I don’t really see adults saying “you guys” and “that stuff”, as it sounds to teenagerish :P

Also, it did seem strange to me when Jason swore (not a serious swear word, but it seemed weird for him to say it). I never really saw him as the sort of person to swear. At least, before he said substitute words (like fudge). But then, he was acting differently in this chapter, so perhaps that was part of it.

This sentence I found to be strangely worded: “That's for half off anything in the store, so it'll be 18 docha." I think you could just say that Amisto gets everything for half the price, or something. The first part sounds weird to me :P

“Well. It looks like the boys are in good hands,” Sadie is counted as a boy again :P

The beginning with Jason’s parents was kind of funny but a bit sad at the same time :P I feel bad that they don’t know about what Jason was doing. It makes me think, what if he had died, and they never would have seen him again? Still, his excuse to them was funny :P They must have been really relieved to fall for that ;)

I liked the part where Sadie and Jason didn’t seem to know what last names are. It seems realistic, if no one they know has last names. Although I never really thought about it, it is interesting that they don’t. Perhaps it’s like in the past when only the rich people have last names, if that butler guy knew about them and seemed to look down on them for not having them. Anyway, I like details like that. I also liked the details about Draida itself, like how it’s uniformly arranged.

I liked the story of how they met. I was wondering about that, actually :P The part where she was choosing between an imp or a unicorn was funny. Unicorns can be pretty cool. They could probably kill someone with that horn :P Still, the story was intriguing. I wonder how Jason ended up there. Was he just passing by, or was there some reason why he was the one to save Sadie?

There were a few times in this chapter where it seemed the formatting hadn’t transferred over properly or something, as a few paragraphs started halfway through a sentence. I have noticed this happening before (I can’t remember if I pointed it out or not) but in this chapter there were quite a few spots where it happened.

Although, I found some of Jason’s reluctance in this chapter and the last a bit strange. It just seemed a bit out of the blue to me. Sure, they had some scary moments on their mission, but overall he didn’t seem that scared or anything. And then in this chapter, he’s speaking all negatively and doubting them again. I think maybe you should make him be a bit more doubtful beforehand, or something. His change in attitude isn’t unrealistic, or anything, I just feel like it’s a bit sudden, because he seemed perfectly fine about it a few chapters ago. He’s been building up his confidence and now it’s all suddenly gone again, and there wasn’t a very clear transition. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense, by the way. I’m not quite sure how to explain it.

“Michael opened the gate”

“Michael and Tyler followed him.”

“She realized that Seth and Tyler had come back for him,” Sadie is a him again :P And here: “Instead of her friends, he saw”

Ahhhh, have I been spelling his name wrong this whole time??? That’s so embarrassing… xD And no, it’s not too long to wait to find out about Sadie and Bianca. It’s fun to speculate anyway :3

Hey, sorry for taking such a long time to get to this. I really like the dialogue you have. It seems very natural, and I can clearly get an idea of every character’s personality. The idea is interesting, a little familiar but I’m sure you’ll add your own twists as the story goes on. I really like the way you contrasted Lily Ann and Edith. I’m looking forward to seeing them interact more in the future, they seem like a fun pair ;) Your descriptions of the characters were good too, I could form a clear picture of them in my heads. That’s something I struggle with, descriptions, so I admire you :)

There were quite a few grammar errors and such scattered throughout the chapter. I’ll point out a couple of the recurring ones. Firstly, dialogue should be formatted: “Like this,” she said. With a comma after the dialogue, not a full stop. It’s something minor but distracts people like me when reading :P Also, a few times the sentence before the dialogue didn’t have a full stop where it should have. Anyway, these errors can just be solved by reading through and editing, it’s not a major issue.

Secondly, and this is more of a wording thing, I feel it is a little unnecessary to state someone’s age when they’re introduced. There’s nothing exactly wrong with it, but there are better ways to let the readers know of a character’s age. Like at the beginning, you introduce the main character as “Eighteen year old Lily Ann” but later you give her age anyway, so I think you could easily take it out.

And there is a plot hole I’d like to address. If Callie has taken out criminals all over the world, how hasn’t her family found out about her? I mean, to travel to another country or even another city would take hours, so unless she has some sort of extra-curricular that she can pretend to be going on trips with or whatever they’re sure to notice. Even then, it would be suspicious. But maybe I'm reading too far into it :P

My theory is that Bianca is a ghost (she wasn’t eating anything, so maybe she doesn’t need to because she’s dead!). I’m curious about Sadie’s family. I don’t remember them being mentioned at the start like Jason’s was. Does she have one, or is she an orphan or something like that?

I’m waiting for her to explode and yell at Jason. She seems to be getting even more jealous. I feel kind of bad for him (Jason) as he didn’t really do anything wrong, but at the same time I can understand her jealousy :P It’s always annoying when you do so much hard work but someone else does better without really trying. Still, I was proud of her in this chapter – Jason may have more talent, but she seems to know how to use her brains more, and the speech she gave was good. I’m assuming she is to be the new setahr? Or at least that’s Amisto’s plan. I wonder what she’ll do about that… I fear it may go to her head :P

It’s nice that Amaatlik was mentioned again, too. I wonder what he’s been doing for so long. I’m assuming he was behind the magical force that prevented Rex (I’m going to call him that still to distinguish him from the other Alex) from leaving Barcos.

I was kind of confused by Alex and Bianca’s reaction to Rex being left on the island. They were acting like he died, or something, and calling it a sacrifice. I mean, the dude’s a sorcerer. Surely there are other ways to leave, and he’s still alive and kicking :P I just found that a bit odd.

Also something I’ve been noticing, there isn’t much description of the characters themselves. Honestly I can’t remember much about what they look like. The only thing I remember is that Sadie has red hair and Jason has brown :P It’s not that big a deal, but maybe you could add a bit more description of them here and there.

“It had been like this for 30 years, and I never noticed.” Well, she wasn’t alive for the first fourteen or so years, so it would be strange if she’d noticed in the time before that :P I think it would be better if she said “it had been like this for my whole life” or something like that.

 “They ran away from the crazy boy that was me.” Sadie is referring to herself as a boy :P

 Anyway, I’m finally finished with everything, so I should be able to comment at least once a day now. Thanks for being so patient.

Oh, so Rex is Alex. Now I know that, I can see the hints. Their names, for one :P I have to say I wasn’t expecting that, so good job. I thought he was evil! Although, I suppose he still could be ;) He did keep all the food to himself, that was pretty mean. I’m a horrible person, I know. But why didn’t he tell them he was Alex in the first place? He must be hiding from something… Maybe Amaaltik knows who he is, or something, so he hid. Anyway, I wonder what will happen now they’ve found the Alexes.

If Rex is Alex, and Alex is Bianca’s brother, and she said Jason looked like him… I don’t think he’s his father/grandfather, because Jason had a dad at the beginning (unless he’s adopted or something, but so far I don’t think there’s any evidence that points to this). Is he his reincarnation? I don’t know xD Besides, I think to be a reincarnation the original has to be dead, and he’s not. Perhaps it’s just a coincidence. Or maybe not, I have no idea.

 I wonder why Bianca is still young though. Maybe she’s actually dead, and is a ghost? Or she could have time travelled somehow without realising it. Still, it was nice to see her again.

Something I noticed, an inconsistency – in the last chapter, Sadie spoke about how she’d missed getting to talk to Alex (the younger one). But in this chapter, when Jason mentioned it, it said that both Rex/Alex and Sadie were confused, and that he hadn’t mentioned it to either of them. Also, if Bianca thinks her brother left a few years ago, and Rex said she should be 46 now, meaning she was sixteen when she left doesn’t that mean she should think she is eighteen/nineteen or something? Because she said she'd only lived for sixteen years. Or, the other way around, he actually left when she was around thirteen/fourteen?

And after this line: Okay, at this point I really want to wake up from this crazy dream, I thought. There was a sentence that I think must have been cut off, or something.

“He was something I wanted to deal with.” I think someone would be better here. And this line: “their amulets could teleport people once.” I think you forgot to put multiple or lots of people or something like that :P

“I picked up my wand and ran after him”. Here you referred to Sadie as a him. Also: “Michael gasped”

I liked Sadie in this chapter. I don’t think she’s my favourite character just because she’s the only girl (aside from Bianca, but she only appeared for a short time), I like how she’s sensible and cautious. It’s a good contrast to Jason. It was funny how the three of them (Rex, Calvin and Jason) were fighting like children. They should know better :P I still don’t trust Rex. I mean, he must be pretty dumb to just drop Jason like that, and then not even think to check he was following. Surely he has an ulterior motive!!! Hehe, maybe I’m just a suspicious person :P I wonder where their bag went… Did they drop it in the sea, or did someone steal it?

The bit with the cave was interesting too. I am sure they will go back there in the future… Maybe it leads to a magical world or something, and Rex knew that. Maybe only really experienced sorcerers can access it or something like that. Or maybe that’s to do with his secret. Hmmm…

There were some wordings that I found strange (just like the sentence I just wrote :P). One is when “I put my hand to my mouth, shocked” I think probably over, instead of to, would be better. And this one: “I glared at him and he became silent.” I think fell silent sounds better. Also when you described their feet as squishing in the puddle. It sounds strange, perhaps you could say they made squishing noises or something like that? Because when I first read that I was a little confused :P But then, I’m easily confused, so… xD

Also, a lot of time you describe someone as “seeming” something (He seemed confused, he seemed almost jealous, etc). I think it would be better to describe them. Sometimes I don’t think it’s really necessary (the jealous one) because from Rex’s dialogue it’s easy to see he’s jealous, if you know what I mean.

 “until Jason and Michael came” :)

P.S. what does “Okeanos” mean? Is that a word from this story or is it just a word I don’t know? :P For some reason, I am curious…

Thanks for the comment! :) Well, those views on the nonGifted aren’t really his views, necessarily – it’s the same thing, they are the Council’s views, and he feels he has no choice but to obey them and believe them because he’s Gifted. His own personal views on the nonGifted are… rather complicated, shall we say :P Quite a lot of people have commented on that, so I should make it clearer. And you're right about Thomas, he doesn't have much control over his powers. I felt bad killing Rosa, but it had to be done :(

Teehee. Ice and fire :P I’m not sure if that was intentional… xD

Thank you for reading :) I’m glad it was enjoyable. I’ve never written an ending for a story before (not for a long story, anyway), so I don’t really know if I did it right.

Oops, she was supposed to be stroking his left hand. Originally it was his left hand that was amputated, but then I decided to be extra mean and made it his right instead. I must have missed that spot when I changed it. The thing with 805 and Thomas’s hand is probably a lot simpler than you’re thinking :P He was going to say: “I should have warned her…” because he didn’t think of it when they were together, and he knew something like that could happen if he turned out to be a fire Gifted. Sorry if that’s a spoiler, or anything. It’s not very important, and probably won't be mentioned again :P

As for reading another one of my stories, I don’t really mind :) The only other long story I have is Day and Age, but it’s rather… Well, let’s just say it’s not for everyone. It’s quite depressing and gloomy, particularly at the beginning. Plus it’s pretty much a full on drama story, with a bit of supernatural/mystery thrown in. You can read it if you want to, but you might not like it. And I won’t be offended or anything if you don’t.

I must admit, I’m rather offended that you think I could write something so cheesy (256 and Carey kissing passionately in the moonlight) ;) The “Are you okay?” thing is similar to the “that’s impossible!” I think people feel obligated to say it, even though the person is obviously not fine. Maybe it’s a girl thing.

I don’t think 256 ever wanted to die. At least, not really. It’s more like he thought he deserved to die. It’s interesting, actually, I read somewhere that a large percentage of people who’ve attempted suicide (can’t remember the number) say that once they’d actually started to die, they realised they didn’t want to anymore. And you’re right about the wet thing :P It is oddly phrased.

256 wasn’t casting the fire wall long enough to tire him out :P And 3349... I don't think I ever mentioned her age, either. She's older than 256, probably in her mid twenties. As for her water, yeah, I’ll admit I stretched the willing suspension of disbelief there… :P But it was cool, so I wanted her to do it. She was badly affected by it, which is part of the reason why she waited for 256 to overcome her and stab him with the knife instead of deliberately try and kill him outright, because she knew he’d beat her when she was tired. Same with the sword catching thing. It is possible to do, but I don’t think anyone would actually try it in real life because it’s really risky. But it happened in my favourite manga, so whatever! :P

It is a bit girly of him, but the part with him trying to talk to her is important. 3349 is supposed to represent the normal Gifted person, and that moment of vulnerability is meant to show that, underneath even the most detached of them, they still have fears and insecurities like everyone else. And 256 knows he won’t be able to kill her deep down, so he tries to talk to her instead, but it doesn’t work.

Oh, and something I forgot to say. Do you think that 805’s reaction to what happened (with Samantha) was realistic? Because my sister told me she thought he should be angry at Michelle for not telling him, but I wasn’t sure… When I wrote it I figured he wouldn’t be angry because he doesn’t really think he missed out on anything, as being Gifted he never would have thought of having a family and stuff like that. So instead he’s more upset and guilty because he knows that babies cost money and stuff, which she didn’t have much of… That’s what I thought, but when she said that it made me unsure >.< Do you think the way I wrote it was realistic, or should I change it to make him angrier?

He wanted him to stay because even though, yes, their mission has failed, someone still had to say to sort it out. And he’s the one with the highest authority, so… Plus, 256 didn’t know (until 805 told him) that the other Gifted were dead, so he wanted him to help them. Even though 805 is injured and stuff, and won’t be much help with the fighting side of things, he’s still the leader or whatever and he’s the one who’s supposed to make the decisions. Plus him leaving means he can never go back to the Gifted, so 256 didn’t want him to make such a rash decision without thinking it through.

It was his blood that made the grass grow. It grows for three reasons: one, he’s older and therefore he doesn’t have as much control over his Gift, two, he’s injured (physically) and worn out, and finally he’s all over the place emotionally and Gifts require a lot of concentration to control. Anyway, the fact that it didn’t happen before is supposed to show what a bad shape he’s in :P

And yes, Michelle is dead. She died of cancer or something (I can't even remember what I kill my own characters with...) 805 is not going to be the happiest of chappies when he finds out :P I’m such an evil person…

It’ll be quite a long time before I start the sequel, sorry :P There’s too much I want to fix up with this one first. Anyway, have fun with the rest of the chapters. Muhahahahahaha.

Ariana’s back! Yay! I liked how her remembering was related to those dreams/unconscious thingies she was having before. It was a nice use of foreshadowing :P It's nice she finally found the courage to escape the room!

The bit with Cooper was heart-warming. Sorry, I’m a sucker for close platonic relationships :P I like reading about them almost as much, if not more, than romantic ones.

I felt that Ariana forgave Kayla too easily, though. I mean, for someone who went through something like that, I’d expect her to be a lot angrier at Kayla for putting her through it again. Her reaction while it was happening was very realistic and expected, but I felt she recovered a little too easily after. I don’t know, perhaps she was caught up in the moment what with realising she’d been memoryless for ages and stuff, but I feel like she still forgave Kayla too easily. It’s like their relationship went back to normal already, when I’d expect them to be a bit strained for a while. I wonder if after the initial shock and stuff she’ll be madder.

Aww, Calvin is nice. I wonder what his name is (if fidis have names. They are a different race, so maybe they don’t, but surely they can’t all call each other fidi :P) It was interesting to learn more about them.

It was nice to see Jason teach Rex a lesson! I’m still suspicious of him :P I mean, I know he was trying to teach Jason and all that, but surely he could’ve checked to see if Jason could swim first. That’s just common sense! He’s got a big secret, I can tell. I wonder what it is, and how long I have to wait to find out about it. Or maybe he doesn’t have a secret at all, and you’re laughing at me :P Jason must be really, really good at magic, if he was able to fool Rex like that (because, if he’s an old, experienced guy who’s really good at magic, it must have been a very good illusion for him to fall for it). I wonder, does he just have a natural talent, or is there some reason why he’s so good? Or both? xD

I liked your descriptions in this chapter. I know I’m really bad at descriptions and stuff, so I’m not in much of a position to complain, but there was still one thing I thought you could add – at the beginning, when they were flying, wouldn’t it be really cold and windy? I think it would be a good way of showing Jason’s fear, if you described how it felt to be carried in the air and looking down to see the ocean below or whatever.

I saw another line with lots of capitals: “WHAT THE FUDGE…” There’s nothing wrong with using capitals like this, but as I said before I think it seems unnecessary and distracting when you’ve already said he’s shouting :P Hehe, that line was funny though. Jason reminds me of my sister when he says “fudge” instead of swearing :P She does that too, except she says “fish”. I don’t really know why. Sorry for rambling…

“It seemed terrible to be a piece of wood, nevertheless a stick.” This might just be me, but I felt this line was a little awkward. I think “never mind” instead of “nevertheless” would be better here.

“flying towards Michael” :P

Well, 256 may have black hair, but he’s not exactly “exceptionally tall”, is he? ;) Sorry this story is such a soap opera :P

I’m surprised you don’t know about the closing a dead person’s eyes thing. It’s a cliché in every movie ever when someone dies :P It’s supposed to be if their eyes are closed they could just be sleeping, instead of staring off into space. I suppose it’s supposed to symbolize someone putting the other person at peace. And when 3349 saw Carey, she’d turned herself visible again because she’d thought they’d all left. I’ll make that clearer.

Lol, didn’t 256 say he looked to be in his mid to late forties or something? :P He probably only said it once, though, so I can see how you thought he was older. I don’t know about America but here it’s very rude to ask someone a lot older than you how old they are, which is the main reason why his exact age wasn’t revealed. 256 is too polite to go, ‘um, how old are you?’ :P Plus because of his lifestyle he’s undergone a bit of premature aging and tires more easily than you’d expect for a 47 year old.

Well, he did the backflip as he fell to the ground from mid-air, so he didn’t fall on his head :P He wasn’t already on the ground when he did it. I’ll make that clearer.

It’s funny, I expected everyone to figure out who Michelle is, but so far only one person did… I thought it was really obvious (but then, I wrote it :P). I guess I was wrong lol.

And Australians say dude too ;) Here, it’s seen as synonymous with “man” or “guy” at least by young people.

Thanks for the comment! And don’t worry about being picky, it’s good. Although I am a little confused. In the action scene with Reagan and the Gifted dude, the guy lifted him off the ground… They were fighting in the air, was that not clear? Hence why Reagan landed on his feet but still hurt his ankle (because he fell from a great height) and the Gifted man lowered himself to the ground (with his Air powers). I thought I mentioned that, but maybe not… Oops. As for the factory, considering that it wouldn’t have been a very advanced factory (only early-industrial revolution level of technology) it still would have required a number of workers.

As for Michelle, you sort of find out who she is. And that lady was old when Carey was like, five, and 805 is only forty-seven (I don’t think I’ve mentioned his exact age, but that’s what it is). So back then he would have been thirty-something. I’m too lazy to do the maths :P Anyway, if she were that lady he must really like older women :P

Thanks for the comment! I didn’t really think about it, but presumably it was a different brothel. They’d be scattered all over the island.

As for Michelle, as far as 805 knows, she’s alive. But he hasn’t seen her in a long time, so that’s why he spoke of her in past tense a couple of times. And no, I’m not Michelle :P That would be a tad creepy if I was. Ew :P

The heirachy between the Gifted isn’t that bad :P Gifts of Air are perfectly willing to work with Gifts of Earth, but they are more likely to be in positions of power and would probably look down on them a lot. And there’s six of them, altogether – the three Gifted from the village, 805, 256 and 3349 (she didn’t leave them, she just kind of strode on ahead by herself, but they were still travelling together).

Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Skylos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the rest of the dogs!!!! :’( :’( Rex is mean. I know they were planning on betraying them or something, but I don’t care. They were dogs, so they were instantly cool. I hope they’re not really dead. This is fantasy, after all. There’s always a chance they’ve survived somehow. And they didn’t die “on page” (I don’t know what else to call it :P) so hopefully they’re still alive. Besides, he had a flashback and everything. He must be important :P

I wonder what Sadie and Jason will think of Rex leaving the dogs like that. Were they in on his plan? I doubt it. Still, he’s even more suspicious now. I thought it was weird at first how he showed them his magic so easily, and I was going to comment on it, but then the rest of the chapter happened, so… xD I think they’re going to be upset. Maybe doubt him. I’m mean, aren’t I :P I can’t help it, anyone who hurts dogs can’t be a good person. Even if the dogs were planning on killing them… But they were dogs, so I instantly forgive them. If you haven’t guessed, I love dogs.

Something I found confusing – if Skylos was on a separate part of the ship from the sorcerers (at least I thought he was on a separate path), how did he know they were talking about their day? :P Unless he just assumed, which I suppose he might have.

Also, this is something small, but I found it weird they were saying “kilometres” and “metres” instead of feet and yards or whatever. I think it would make them sound more piratey. When they said metres it threw me off a little, maybe because I think the terms sound too modern. I’m not exactly sure when this is set, but for me it seems like the dog pirates would use the old fashioned terms instead, even if Jason/Sadie don’t. If that makes sense. Which I’m not sure if it does. Sorry for rambling.

“The boys started to use magic” Here is a spot where Jason and Sadie are called boys :P

Thanks for the comment! Yes, I have a sequel. Well, I haven’t written it yet, because I want to fix this one up first, but I plan on writing it.

Well, I find that people will often say “that’s impossible!” when faced with something they thought couldn’t happen (even if it’s staring them right in the face :P). So although Samantha says “yes, that’s impossible”, she doesn’t completely believe it, hence why her voice trails off as she’s obviously still thinking about it. As for 805’s bandage, it was quite  thick one so it hadn’t bled through until then, but it was probably close to clotting when he changed it so it wouldn’t bleed through again. And yes, they did visit 3 inns. They aren’t taking the new recruits with them, they are there to provide a base if they fail. The ones who’ve been there for a while will go.

Lol, Samantha probably wouldn’t have killed him. Yelled at him, maybe, probably threaten him. I mean, she says she’d kill him, but she probably wouldn’t actually go that far unless he did something really bad :P

Thanks for the comment! Carey did mean keep an eye on him, not kill him :P That would be mean. Anyway, as for Janelle not being nervous, I probably used the wrong word there. I was trying to say that she’d forgotten about the endless self-doubt and stuff, although she does still feel it she doesn’t focus on it all the time. Also that she’s stopped thinking “what would a leader do?” and instead thinking “what would I do?” So I guess she is still nervous at times, but she’s not letting her nervousness lead her to making stupid decisions anymore. Probably I shouldn’t say she’s forgotten, that’s not right :P It's more like she's not letting it bother her as much anymore.

As for the Gifted visiting brothels, it’s not against their beliefs. They’re not supposed to form attachments, but the Council doesn’t care what else they do :P But, it does depend on the person. Some of the Gifted will take “no attachments” to mean complete abstinence, while others don’t. Plus, their lifestyle is quite stressful, so… they need some way to let of steam, and many of them would visit brothels (or just do it with each other) to do that.

Hmmm… I like the main characters equally, but I suppose Wesley is probably my favourite secondary character. Twin power! I think I’d like Earth powers too (because I feel sorry for Earth powers, they’re always so neglected in elemental stories… xD). Although, having Fire powers would be good to because then I wouldn't have to suffer through my city's heat, as I'd be immune :P

The pirates were very entertaining. I liked how stereotypically they talked, some people think “Stereotypes are always bad!!!” but in this case I think it added to the humour. Especially the way Skylos was using all those cliché pirate words: “Argh”, “ye”, etc :P It made me feel like he was from Pirates of the Caribbean or something :P And then they were dogs! I love dogs.

Anyway, I still feel like the story lacks description in it. I know this is probably hypocritical of me, as description is definitely one of my weakest points as a writer, but still I thought I’d mention it anyway :P The chapter with Rex’s house was very descriptive and cool-sounding. And the description of Rex turning into a serpent and the tavern scene in general was good. But in this chapter I was really wondering what the pirate ship looked like, and there was only a few lines… I think when you do add in description, it’s good, but maybe you should add more?

Wait, since when were we going to go with pirates? I’m not sure of this line is supposed to be italics or not. I mean, since the story is first person there’s really no need, and nothing has been italicised like that before, so maybe it was a mistake or a formatting problem. Anyway, I thought I’d point it out :P

So far Sadie is my favourite character. I like how she seems sensible and cautious, plus she’s a hard worker. I like Jason as well, he’s entertaining :P And Skylos is definitely a memorable character too ;) As for Rex, he’s too suspicious to be my favourite, but he’s a good character. I found it funny when Sadie insisted they were too young to go into the tavern. Most teenagers I know would be eager to do something like that, especially because it’s against the rules :P She’s very well-behaved. Still, I think she’ll begin to resent Jason at some point, as she mentioned how it was weird he’s so good already.

I sense a hint about Fidi. So the serpent sinks ships, huh…. They’re on a ship right now… I have a feeling they’re going to get into some trouble soon :P

Sorry for taking a while to get back to this, I’ve been quite busy lately. Anyway, I liked the way the kids were acting. Once again this was a lighter chapter, I suppose you could say. It felt almost too light - I feel like something really bad is going to happen soon. This chapter was too peaceful, it’s like the calm before the storm :P Still, it was a good way to get in some humour. I laughed a few times when they were pulling Shay out of the truck. But, at the same time I feel like the weight of Jaycee’s death is hanging over them, with her grave in the background while they’re talking. I think her death has affected them more than they think, even though none of them were her friend.

I did find it some of the relationship stuff a bit weird in this chapter. I don’t really see Axel and Kyleigh deciding to have a relationship or whatever when so much is going on around them. It seems a bit out of the blue to me. Especially from Axel’s point of view, as he only just joined them and killed someone and stuff. It might just be me, but that seemed a little weird. I think in a situation like the one they’re in couples are more likely to grow apart, then anything. Not that it’s unrealistic if they don’t, but I find it a little hard to believe that two people would suddenly become a couple like that, so soon after everything that has happened.

Wow. I guess I was right about Kayla doing something drastic. I know she really wants Ariana back, but I’m not sure if putting Ariana through this is the right thing to do. The poor girl’s been through so much already, and if it doesn’t work it’s going to make everything even worse…

Rose seems like a nice lady. I wonder if she will appear later in the story :P I always assume named characters are important, but maybe she’s just a one-off person. Anyway, it’s nice she helped Kayla even though they’d never met, although I’m not sure if what Kayla’s going to do is the right thing.

Anyway, I think there was a bit of exclamation mark abuse in some of Ari’s dialogue at the beginning :P I don’t know if it’s just me, but I always find it annoying when dialogue is full of exclamation marks. I think if we know they’re speaking intensely (from either the dialogue tag, or just the tone of what they’re saying) then it’s best to use them sparingly, you know?

By the way, I have a question: Is the title of this chapter a reference to “The rains of Castemere?” :P

Rex still seems suspicious to me. I don’t know why, I just get that vibe from him :P I wonder why he wants to seem young. Maybe he’s under a curse, and is really young on the inside. Or maybe he wants to live forever or something. The bit with Alex was interesting too. I wonder what he’s doing on that island in the middle of nowhere, and why he left. Perhaps he left to find Amaaltik. Speaking of Amaaltik, I wonder when he will appear in the story. Maybe Alex is Jason from the future (hah) because they look so alike. Then “his” family would be Jason’s family, and that’s how he could tell them he’d be home soon :P Oh, now I have a new theory. Maybe Rex is Alex from the future (Alex laughed, and before Jason said that Rex laughed a lot), and then Alex is Jason from the future!

The part with Calvin was certainly random. But a good random, don’t worry :P I would have expected more of a reaction from Jason, though. He seemed to just think, “oh look, my wand's a crab now”. Wasn’t he freaked out at least a little bit when his wand turned into a crab? I know I would be :P Although, I suppose if you live in a magical world these things would seem normal, so maybe not. And his wand did something crazy, like Rex said it would if they said the wrong name, so that means Alex probably isn’t “Alex II”. He must just be the original! Or something else... xD

 It was interesting how Jason was so good at magic already. I wonder if Sadie will be jealous in the future, because she obviously studies hard  and stuff but Jason must have a natural gift or something. Especially when Rex kept praising him like that, I know if I were her I'd feel a bit left out. I think it would be interesting if that does happen, but I think it won't be for a while if it does.

Again, I think that you should split up some of the dialogue. I don’t know if it’s just me, but it seems awkward when the dialogue and action are constantly switching without a new paragraph. It doesn’t happen all the time, but there are quite a few places.

Also, I feel like everything in this chapter happened really, really fast. I was kind of confused about a lot of things. I had to read some bits over quite a few times to understand what was going on. I think maybe the transitions with the dream and even the scene with the theives before it could be a little clearer. It was a little too much “And then this happened” if you know what I mean. And I know this is humour and sometimes not realistic, but I doubt real thieves would just come up to someone and announce they’re going to rob them. They’d be a little more subtle, surely :P

And I found a spot where I think a word is missing: “looked at me.” I think Sadie is missing.

Sorry for taking so long to get back to this. I’ve finished all my hard exams now, so I’ll be able to comment more frequently now :) Probably not every night for the next week or so, but after that I will.

Are you trying to silence 256’s creative spirit???? Shame on you! :P Just kidding, I get it.

As for Wesley not being able to kill him, it’s partly because at that point he was just lying there and taking it. I can’t say I’ve ever killed someone, but I think it would be difficult for most people to do it if the person was just sitting there :P If they’re fighting back and stuff, it’s a “kill them or they kill you” situation instead. Although, that’s only part of the reason. Hmm, it would have been interesting if Carey had been there. Now I’m wondering what would’ve happened.

Why has nobody ever heard of niggle? It’s an awesome word! ;) Although, medulla oblongata is an interesting word/phrase too. Personally my favourite word at the moment is “blasphemy”. It's fun to yell "BLASPHEMY!!!!" At the end of a sentence :P

Haha, you have no idea how long I was looking forward to writing this chapter (and the next). I’m glad you got it was Wesley, I was worried people would forget about him :P

Well, if Reagan was Alex he probably would’ve recognised Janelle :P I mean, he didn't accidently dump her, he knowingly did, so it would be weird for him not to recognise her. Plus he doesn’t really have access to plastic surgery ;) But now I think about it, it does seem strange for Janelle to give out their location like that :P

 As for 3349, I think her eyes are actually meant to be blue lol. I kept forgetting what eye colour she was supposed to have, but I’m pretty sure she sticks with blue from now on :P Oops. I'm not the most consistent of people. It’s the same for Rosa’s son, it’s funny you mentioned that… I completely forgot about him as well, and by the time I remembered it was too late to start making him appear again :P So he disappeared into the night. Perhaps he’s off fighting crime or doing something cool.

Thanks for the comment! Your right, that dude should probably be more indifferent to 805. He is glad he’s alive, though. When 3349 said she didn’t care if he died, that was because at that point it was an “me or him” thing, because if they stayed and waited for him to recover the rebels could find them. With this guy, he would’ve gotten in trouble if the Council found out he’d died (even though they wouldn’t really have anything to do with his “death”, they still would not have been happy). Still, I should definitely make his relief more internal :P As for him being nervous about showing them the Servants, I don’t know. Maybe he’s young and not as accustomed to dealing with dead people :P

And that certainly would have been a plot twist if Marvin cut off her head :P

Well, I wouldn’t say she’s in love with him (I think love is too strong a word) but she’s got a “thing” for him, I suppose you could say. And it’s confusing for her, too, because of what happened before. As for Carey, she’s not really mad at her for anything in particular, it’s because she feels like an outsider and doesn’t like it when Janelle is obviously trying so hard to be “buddies”. She wasn’t like that before at the sanctuary because her friends (Samantha and Thomas) were there, but now she’s in a bad mood. What can I say? She’s such a teenager :P I think I just insulted myself and all teenagers. Sorry :P

As for the grass thing… You’re right, I should probably make him grow some pretty flowers or something (how manly of him :P). That would be more distinctive. I keep forgetting that this story is supposed to be in a European like setting, because for me a forest floor means sticks, dirt and the occasional grey shrubbery. Or nothing at all. :P

Hehe, I should be the one thanking you. I’ve been really stressed out this weekends, and your reviews have been something to look forward to :) I’m sorry for being slow again. I know you said it doesn’t matter, but still I hope I’ll be able to review more regularly towards the end of this week.

Thanks for all the comments! Haha, I can’t say you’re the first to think that Carey and 256 will end up together… Most people who read this story expect them to :P But I won’t give spoilers. Thanks for the points about the redundancy in the previous chapter. I’m glad the POV changes are better now. And I'm happy you liked the humour, I don't think I'm very good at it so I'm glad that particular moment worked haha.

No, your points are never stupid! I’m sorry if I ever implied that… I do have a habit of accidently insulting people O.o I didn’t mean to, anyway. All your points are very valuable!

I’ve seen an episode here and there of Avatar, but I was never a big fan of it or anything :P I did enjoy the few episodes I watched, but for some reason I just didn’t watch it regularly. I think someone else once compared this story to that before, which I suppose makes sense :P A few people have also compared this to Divergent… I read Divergent because of that, and I don’t really see the similarity, aside from dystopian themes and all that. Sorry for rambling, btw.

256’s punishments were for liking people, but showing mercy is something else he’s not meant to do (at least, not to rebels killing the Gifted. If he was hesitant about killing a villager, or something, it wouldn’t be so bad). It doesn’t matter what he does, if he breaks the rules he’s supposed to be killed. And he wouldn’t technically be obligated to kill 805 if he found out, because he’s never been punished before so instead he’d be obligated to dob on him and get him in big trouble :P Although, the Council would have to believe him...

About the pale face thing, if the guy’s fainted he’s going to be very, very pale and probably rather sweaty as well. Perhaps I should describe him more… Plus, 805’s a very tall, strong man so seeing someone like that collapse from exhaustion is rather unusual. Anyway, 256 was overreacting, but it wasn’t completely out of the blue.

Hmm, now I think of it she should have been able to dry things. Oops. I’ll fix that :P Although, she probably does like being wet, so she won’t dry herself after that.

Thanks for commenting! Let’s just say your opinion of 805 will probably change rather soon… xD But hey, that could be in a good way. Or a bad way. Muhahahahaha.

Haha, have you seen Game of Thrones? And I do mean the show specifically, because I can’t remember if this happened in the book or not, but there was this scene where this person got their limbs ripped off by a mob (I won’t say who in case you haven’t seen it and were going to). That’s where I got the idea of ripping the woman’s leg off. When humans are angry they will do scary things… xD Sorry for rambling, btw.

Anyway, what Thomas said wasn’t supposed to comfort her, he was just pointing out that there’s no point her forcing him to stay hidden from everyone anymore. The reason he stayed hidden was so the Gifted didn’t find him and kill him/take him away, but now that they’re rebels that will happen regardless of his powers. And you’re right, I do make my characters cry too much. I never realised before lol. I’ll have to go and fix that, because it is odd… And to me your theory sounds pretty convincing ;)

3349 may not be very nice, but she’s not a complete robot :P It’s funny that you mentioned the thing with the fire. I guess it’s a bit of irony, because they’re all happy and think 256 is helping them, when really he’s just making things worse because they’ll run out of air quicker… But, they don’t know anything about science and stuff, so… xD

I really liked the information about how magic works in this chapter. Although, I found it strange when he said he was telling them the history of magic. He lied, because he talked about the different types of magic, not the history ;) Still, it was interesting to see how there are different types, and how they work. I wonder if they’ll ever get to use any of the other types of magic. I’m sure they will at some point :P

I really liked your descriptions in this chapter. Especially Rex's house. It was very interesting the way you described his house as having “multiple personalities”. I’m not being sarcastic, by the way, if that sentence sounds sarcastic. I think it’s a good way of conveying his eccentricness (it’s totally a word :P). At least, I get the impression he’s a little eccentric so far ;)

I am suspicious of him, though. He seems too good to be true – Sadie and Jason just happen to come across a cool old guy who can teach them magic? Plus, he was cunning enough to trick them into using magic… Also, he snapped Jason’s wand in half! How mean of him. Although, I’m assuming he did so because it was a bad wand or something, but still, he could have elaborated first :P Sorry, I’m a very suspicious person. I feel like he has lots of secrets, or is secretly working against them or something. Or maybe he’s just a nice guy and I’m overreacting xD

There were a few times, like in the paragraph starting with: "I'm not senile” where you kept switching between dialogue and action without starting a new line. I think it would be better to split it up a bit, it would make it flow better that way, particularly when there’s quite a descriptive sequence like in that example.

Also, on the subject of Rex – I feel like the way he talks is a bit too young sounding. There wasn’t much of a change between Sadie and Jason’s way of talking and his, and I feel there should be. Like when he kept referring to Sadie and Jason as “you guys” – it doesn’t seem to be something an old guy would say. Not that I’d really know, being neither a guy nor old, but I got that impression. Anyway, I’d suggest maybe making him say something like “you kids” instead, as that kind of establishes the age difference between them, while “you guys” makes it sound like he’s a teenager/young adult :P I think he did say you kids once or twice, but he seemed to say you guys a lot.

Oh, and I found a spot where Sadie and Jason are referred to as boys: "Hey boys, tea is ready.”

Also this sentence: "Um... Ben and Bob,palmed.” It seems to be missing some words.

“Servants” refers to the servants the Gifted have. It’s capitalised because Servants don’t have names or numbers, so it’s essentially their title. Haha, I wouldn’t say the island is “based” of Russia, more like very very loosely inspired by it. When I was writing it was more of a “hey, this sort of reminds me of Russia” thing, instead of deliberate xD Because in some ways, like the ones you mentioned, it isn’t like Russia at all ;)

Oh, and Janelle and Reagan weren’t making out lol. Doesn’t making out mean kissing (which they didn’t do, they were just in an awkward position)? Or does it mean something different in the US? xD As for Marvin finding out about Rosa, that was the previous day. It happened in the afternoon, Janelle went back to her room, the thing with Reagan in the last chapter happened, and then she slept until morning. She went to see him the next evening.

Oh, and I have a question for you: is 3349’s number really hard to remember? Because some of my previous commenters have complained that it’s really hard to remember, being four numbers. I’m not sure if I should change it, because realistically most of them would have four or five numbers, and I didn’t want all of the Gifted characters to have three numbers… Do you think I should change it to a three digit number?

Thanks for commenting! Hehe, Samantha’s secrets will be revealed in time. I will say that she definitely made a major blunder in telling Carey that story :3 Silly, silly Samantha. And hey, there’s nothing wrong with being excited. It’s pretty exciting, I suppose ;)

This story doesn’t really take place in any specific era. I suppose it’s probably closest to the middle ages, but then they also have later inventions (like trains) in some areas. It’s fantasy, so I can do what I want! ;) Within reason, anyway. It’s kind of supposed to be like Russia in the 1800s/early 1900s (I’m trying to remember high school history dates and failing…), where certain areas of the country were really poor and backwards in terms of technology while the larger towns were more advanced.

 The Other Worlds are common knowledge (to the Gifted, at least). Pretty much what 256 is what an average Gifted person knows: that they exist, and they apparently fear the Gifted. And there isn’t a word for individual Gifted. Calling themselves a “Gift of Something” may be conceited, but they aren’t the most humble of folk, are they? :3

I have over two weeks left of exams, but all my hard ones are over in a little over a week. So by then, I probably still won’t be doing much editing but I will have time to comment more. Don’t worry, you’re never wasting my time :) I really don’t mind if you comment now or save them for later. It doesn’t make much of a difference to me, and I’m not feeling pressured or anything. And niggle isn’t a word in America? Blasphemy! xD Woohoo, two of my favourite words so close together…

Sorry for taking so long to comment on this O.o I’m very busy at the moment, so my comments will probably be very slow :(

The part with her diary was very interesting and sad. It was nice to read about the story from Ariana’s perspective (if that makes sense). It’s sad Ariana had to give up her baby. It was the right thing to do, but still :( I wonder if at some point her adoptive parents will let her meet Ariana. I hope so, I think it would be good for her. The bit with the cat was sweet too. I wonder what will happen now. After all, memoryless Ariana isn't the happiest at the moment, and now Kayla probably wants her back even more... I still think she's going to do something drastic soon O.o

I am wondering why Ariana killed her Mum. Sure, she let her father do those things to her, and killing her meant she could escape… But I feel there is more than that.

The bit with Alex and Amisto interested me. He says he had a wife and two kids, which I suppose could be Bianca and her brother (although, if it were, they said he disappeared thirty years ago, and she was a teenager…). I still think she’s a time traveller or something. Maybe she’s the one who disappeared, in his childhood, before this happened! She jumped in the TARDIS and explored time and space, but somehow got her memory wiped and returned to Earth with no knowledge of it… xD That way he could just be a lot older than her, like 5-10 years, if he had kids.

Anyway, cool, a prophecy of sorts. Reminds me of Harry Potter, hehe.  I wonder why he thinks that Jason is “the one?” Surely there were a lot of boys born fifteen years after that flashback. Or perhaps she was referring to the exact date, and Jason was the only one born on that day. Although, I suppose Bianca said that Alex and Jason looked alike, so perhaps he is his reincarnation or something, and that's why Amisto's convinced he's the one. Anyway, I’m very interested… I like all the mystery you’ve added :3

In the parts where Amisto “telepathed” to the police – I feel it might be more fluent if you wrote what he said in italics or quotation marks or something. For me it seemed awkward, and hard to tell what exactly they were saying to each other in their heads because it didn’t stand out from the rest of the narrative. Perhaps italics would be best, as that would distinguish it from normal speech?

I also found this sentence confusing: “You've read up to chapter eight,” No I haven’t xD Perhaps this chapter was moved, and you didn’t change that line? Also there were quite a few bits of dialogue in this chapter where there was a full stop after the dialogue instead of a comma: “Like this.” He said. Anyway, I also found the beginning of the flashback a little confusing at first. It wasn’t too bad, and I soon realised what was going on, so I think it’s alright.

Thanks for commenting! I’m sorry if Carey’s thoughts in this chapter were confusing. It was supposed to be about her realising that the world isn’t as black and white as she’d thought, not that she’d suddenly switched to thinking the Gifted were right :P It’s just something I find interesting. In wars or whatever, each side is doing what they think is right, and the other side is wrong… But, how do we know who’s really good, if both sides are convinced they’re doing what’s right? After all, evil is a concept, not a reality! Sorry for sounding like a nerd… Hehe. Anyway, I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear enough.

As for the stuff about the Carey and Samantha’s knife… Well, those plot threads will be left hanging for quite a while ;) They may not even be in this book, hehe. Or maybe they are? xD Anyway, I hope you’ll enjoy the next chapter, which has the first real sprinkle of information about the history of the island and the Gifted.

This was a good chapter. Jason has some brains! I was rather confused during the challenge bit, but he explained it all later so it’s all good. The bit at the end was heart-warming, when Jason managed to defeat the monster and free the sorcerers from their furry states. It’s nice he’s gained some confidence. Hopefully he’ll be more positive about the whole magic-learning experience now ;) I like the randomness of this story, if that makes sense. One minute, Jason’s a frog, the next minute he’s back to being human… And then kangaroos! It’s amusing to read :P

I found some of the transitions, particularly in the challenge part, a little awkward. Personally I think it would be better to write a few sentences detailing a time change instead of just writing *A FEW MINUTES LATER*. It just seems more professional that way, you know? Plus, that way the narration isn’t interrupted. There was also another instance in this chapter where a sentence was all in capitals: “WE BECAME KANGAROOS…”

Speaking of the kangaroos, I thought that part was funny. I think my inner patriot was secretly pleased that they were kangaroos instead of dinosaurs. Anyway it was unexpected, which was nice. Although dinosaurs would have been cool, too ;)

Overall, I’m excited to read more. I feel like this story could go in a variety of directions, so I’m looking forward to seeing what happens. I wonder what awaits them at Port Barcos…

The stuff about Alex was interesting. Unlike Jason, I am sure that Alexander the sorcerer and Alex, Bianca’s brother are the same person. Perhaps Bianca is from the past, and that’s why he disappeared so long ago! Maybe she accidently transported herself into the future, and doesn’t know it? Hehe. More crazy theories!

I’m beginning to see more of a difference between Sadie and Jason, which I like. Sadie is more calm, I think, and she’s a lot more confident. Jason’s more childish, while Sadie’s the mature one :P In this chapter I think you did a good job of contrasting their personalities. I have a much clearer idea of Sadie’s character now. I liked the bit where she was sort of teasing/asking Jason about Bianca. It seemed like a girly thing to do. I’m not sure if you’re worried about this, but I think you’re doing a good job of writing from a girl’s perspective, if you are.

Anyway, here are some cookies about emotions. Most of the time, your emotions are quite good. But there were a few times in this chapter where you said things like “Jason seemed ashamed” and “that seemed to make Jason angry”. I think it would be better to describe via his actions how Jason feels, you know? Most of the time you do that, but for those two phrases I felt it should have been more descriptive. There was a bit of repetition in the first paragraph too, when you started two sentences in a row with “he”. Sorry if that’s really picky of me.

I’m very curious about how magic works in Draida/the rest of the world. Can anyone use magic, or are only certain people able to? Is it really just as easy as picking up any old stick and saying a magic word? I’m interested to find out ;)

Sorry again for being so slow.

Overall, I think this was a good start. I like Chris, she reminds me of a lot of people I know haha. I think you did a good job at making the characters act their age. I laughed when that girl said like about three times in one sentence :P

Anyway, I really like the comedy in this story. It seems very natural, not forced, which is nice. Personally I’m bad at comedy, so I admire you. I wonder what shenanigans Chris will get up to with the baby alive. I remember my sister had one of those once for school. It was very annoying :P I’m curious about this dude Chris’ friend was talking about. To be honest, I was a little confused about that. So this guy also moved to wherever Chris is now, and he used to live back in the Philippines where she lived? I think you should make that a little clearer.

I don’t know how it is where you live, but in my country a teacher would never say “ass”. They could get in trouble for using language like that. I don’t know, maybe we’re just a very formal place ;)

Also, “cannon” as in the fandom term is spelt with one “n” only.

Haha, this story really doesn’t have much filler in it at all :P I try and make each chapter have  purpose, because I feel in a story like this filler is distracting. There’s one other chapter which is very repetitive, I’ll warn you now. It’s chapter 25.

I didn’t mean to show Theresa’s thoughts, but I might have accidently haha. I’ll check it out. As for Carey, at the moment she can only attack while visible. Her weapons turn invisible with her, but she’s not coordinated enough at the moment to attack when she can’t see herself. But as she trains, she’ll get better… There’s actually a little bit of info about the Gifts and the island in the chapter after the next. But overall, there isn’t much info about the history of the island and the other Gifts (in this book, anyway).

Oh, and 805’s never been punished (at least, not by the Leader). When he said that one person had hurt him a thousand times, he was referring to himself. The Council would never trust him if he had been punished. And yes, he was drinking. It’s his way of coping with the pressure he’s under. But, he’s not drunk or anything. He’d be a lot more out of it if he was :P It’s funny, you’re the second person to say that it must be hard to characterise 805. I actually find him really easy to characterise :P

Thanks for the comments! I have a Night Of Freedom tonight, so hopefully I’ll get the time to comment on at least two chapters :) Sorry for being so slow!

Anyway, thank you for pointing out my inconsistences. Carey does say that statement quite a lot (but she does vary it up a bit!). Haha, when I was writing this I didn’t plan on  cutting off his arm and killing (I can say that now, because you’ve read the next chapter) 440, but then I realised that I didn’t really have any plans for him and I was going to kill him later anyway (but at a much later point). And then I came up with this death scene for him… hehe.

As for the Gifted, well, it’s highly unlikely that 256 and 805 are the only ones who are defiant :P

805 is very strong for an Earth Gifted, but most of them would be able to cause a small earthquake like that. Earth Gifts are seen as weak because they’re not very practical in battle, but it still depends on the person and how they use the powers available to them. And he can’t really read his mind, don't worry :P He doesn’t have “The Gift of Thoughts” or something :P

And yes, that is something we say here. It isn’t that weird, is it? xD Niggle is an awesome word! Its one of my favourites (blasphemy is number one, although I don't really use it in my writing). Anyway, thanks for the luck. I need it xD

Thanks for the comment! I'm glad the suspense worked haha :)

Haha no problem. I’ll probably be pretty slow on my comments for the next few weeks, I’ve got exams very soon O.o

Oh, how I love mystery ;) I tend to make most of my characters have a mysterious secret or two or a million :P The foreshadowing, the hints, the payoff when their secrets are revealed… I love picking up little details when I read stuff (or adding them in, if I'm writing) and then forming crazy theories. I love to read/write stuff like that :P

Thanks for answering my question :)Here is something I forgot to mention in my last reply: The rebellions the Leader spoke of are not run by Janelle's group. They're uprisings in the Northern villages that were sparked by Janelle's rebellion. In effect Jan's group have started a chain reaction, even though they failed so miserably. Another psychological phenomenon often observed in the real world (Sorry I'm such a nerd xD).

The Gifted are taught how to fight before they get their Gifts with their trainers. After their powers appear they train in sword fighting and stuff for half the day, and the second half they spend learning their Gifts with the rest of their group. They don’t learn much history about the island, they don’t learn to read and write. Their access to knowledge is almost completely limited, because that way they will remain obedient. It’s important to remember that people like 256 (and 440, although the punishment worked on him) are an oddity, most of the Gifted kind of retreat into their own shell at an early age. Sorry if I’m boring you, by the way. I find psychology really interesting.

 Anyway, they don’t count 913 because he was only seven, and even the Gifted know that given the way their training system works a kid forming an attachment to their trainer is kind of natural. It’s the trainer’s job to kind of distance them, especially as they get older, but 913 was too “motherly” to him and therefore she was punished for it while he wasn’t. Anyway, being a pet owner would be the worst! They’d kill him for it for sure! :P

Sorry about all the repetition. It’s a bad habit of mine. I’m warning you now, there’s going to be a lot more, because I tend to refer to 805 as “older man” a lot. It’s because whenever I have the Gifted talking to each other I always feel weird repeating their numbers too much (they sound like robots lol). Speaking of 805, I have a question for you: What is your opinion on him at this point? I know he’s barely appeared, but I’d really like to know your first impression (because I guarantee it will probably change after the next chapter :P).

Sorry for the really long reply, by the way.

Thanks for the comment! It was very helpful haha. After my exams are over and I begin my rewrites, your comments will be very valuable (not that they aren’t now). Sorry for the confusion regarding time. I’m not very good at keeping those sort of things consistent, as you’ve probably noticed ;) Janelle is excited and a little smug because she feels like she did something right (after all their failures) by convincing Carey to help them. Marvin isn’t that excited, and Reagan’s just an excitable person ;)

And yes, we do name the floors like that. It depends where you go, but most places will call the ground floor “ground floor” and the floor above it “first floor”. Other places will call the ground floor the first floor. We’re weird like that. It’s like with American/British English, neither is “officially” used, although British is more common. As long as you’re consistent, you can use either. Sorry for rambling, btw.

Hah, I don’t think the Gifted would have believed him if he’d said that, even if he was a good liar. They’d say he shouldn’t have been tempted in the first place :P

Thanks for the comment. I do read over my stuff, I’m just a really bad editor xD Annoyingly, my spell check says that “realise” and words like that are spelt wrong too. Well, it used to, when I wrote this chapter. It took me a long time to realise (ha) that I could just change the language on my computer to Australian English… I’m not very smart xD

I like Jason’s thought processes. They’re amusing to read. Like when he ate the apple, and thought everything was an illusion. Anyway, I’m excited. I wonder how Amaaltik will be involved with the story. Perhaps he kidnapped Bianca’s brother, or something… Or maybe he is her brother! Conspiracy theories are fun ;) Anyway, it’s sad that Jason believes he will fail as a sorcerer, and that’s why he doesn’t want to become one. I guess Sadie was right, he does have self-confidence issues :( I wonder what's in the bag Bianca gave him.

I also like how we're beginning to get a bit more info on the world of the story. Like with the forest of nightmares thing, and the thing about how nobody has pets because they always wander off and get killed. I like the details like that. I notice this story has less detail in terms of description and stuff than the other one, but you said this was your first book so that makes sense.

I have to say, I found the bit with Bianca a little creepy. I mean, she seems to like Jason (If that’s why she was upset that he was going to find her brother with Sadie, another girl). But the first thing she says upon seeing him is that he reminds her of her brother… xD I don’t know, for me that seems weird.

“They were not typical ally cats.” Isn’t that word spelt “alley”? Speaking of, the cats were cute <3 I wanted to pat them. I have a slight obsession with animals… Dogs are my favourite, but I like cats too. Oops, that’s probably getting a bit off topic. Sorry if that was a really girly thing to say :P

So far, I’m enjoying the plot. Not much has happened, but it feels original and the narration is nice and light. I tend to read more heavier, darker stories, and I’m really enjoying how this story seems to be different from that (Although, it’s too early to say really ;P). At the moment I feel like the story could take a wide variety of directions, and I’m excited to see what happens.

I found it funny when Jason’s mum scolded his father for interrupting Sadie, but then interrupted her herself :P And then they just kept interrupting her, for the rest of the chapter :P Hehe. Sadie still hasn’t left much of an impression on me, but the focus of these two chapters was on Jason, so I don’t think that’s due to any fault on your part.

I might have mentioned this before but sometimes I find some of the phrases a little redundant. Like saying the couple Sadie bumped into were walking in the opposite direction. I mean, that’s something I can assume for myself, if you know what I mean. I think the writing would be more fluent without the unnecessary phrases. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense, by the way. And this is definitely just a petty thing of mine, but I really don’t like when words are written in capitals LIKE THIS to make someone shout or speak loudly. For me it just seems a bit amateurish, if you know what I mean. Personally I think it’s just better to say in the narration that they're speaking loudly or something instead. But as I said, it’s probably just me :P

Oh, and this sentence: “I'm sorry if the story went off at a crazy start, boys are like that.” I think this was a place you missed when changing her gender?

About Samantha, that’s actually good if you feel that way about her. She’s supposed to appear this kind of perfect, cool person, and then starting from now on her various flaws and insecurities will begin to be revealed. The biggest one has already been touched upon, but not really mentioned much. I’ll give you a hint – the statement, “really cares for her friends” is wrong. There’s just one letter that needs to be removed before it’s correct :P

Thanks for the comments! You flatter me haha. Anyway, I’ll do my best to get to your story tonight. I’m staying home tomorrow, so if not I’ll definitely comment then! :)

Molesters have feelings too :P 440’s feelings towards 256 are quite complicated. Anyway, the main reason they’re not punishing 440, is that he didn’t really show any prior attachment to Carey, while 256 did because he’s bad at hiding his feelings. But, you are right. That probably is too simple :P

And no, you’re never being stupid or over-analytical! The pickier you are, the better for me haha :P

Thanks for commenting! Heh, I never thought of that (about Carey thinking that 256 would kill her). It does seem strange :P Anyway, 440 meant he wouldn’t kill her at first, he’d just use his Air powers to stop her from struggling while he did certain things to her, and then after he’d kill her. Therefore, what he’d done would be their secret (because he’s only supposed to kill her for disobeying the Gifted).  

Yes, I am a spy! Muhahahaha. No, I changed it a few days ago lol.

No, you’re not supposed to know what they did yet. But I will say this: It’s not so much what they did that makes them act the way they’re acting, it’s the consequence they both received from it. And no women were involved (at least, not in that way). The stuff about sex in this chapter was a reflection on 440 himself, and what he’s become, I suppose you could say. It didn’t really have anything to do with what they did, aside from the screaming part.

Anyway, you don’t need to worry about 256 doing something to Carey lol. He’s attracted to her, obviously, but he’s not really thinking of “that” yet… Which is partly why 440 is mocking him in this chapter, because he’s so clueless. To be honest, 440’s just slightly crazy :P As for Janelle, I’m glad you think her reaction was realistic.

I don’t really mind what you do :) I like reading your comments, and I have enough time to read them (I just don’t feel I’ll have much time to read your chapter and give thorough comments).But I don’t mind if you want to stop and wait for me to catch up, or read ahead. Either is fine.

Hah! I was right. I knew she was going to say daughter before lol. Probably because I used a similar plot in my own story, so I’m biased :P I’m very curious to see what happens next. I wonder what happened to her. I guess she must've been adopted. Poor Ariana, her past was bad enough (bit of an understatement there), and she most likely had to give up her child too :(

Anyway, onto the rest of the chapter. I liked how Ariana slowly cracked as Kayla laid on the pressure. It was moving and sad, but yet I was also cringing as she detailed their relationship to the poor girl. I was thinking, “Noooo, Kayla, it’s too much!” Anyway, I very much enjoyed her small outburst at that point. It’s true, she’s no longer the girl Kayla knew (at least, for the moment). And then, in the second half of the chapter we can see how she’s become even more distant as the pressure to remember increases. Poor girl. Anyway, I think both of the girl’s reactions to her loss of memories were very realistic :) I have a feeling  Kayla’s going to do something drastic soon, though, if she doesn’t regain her memories…

The story in the prologue intrigued me. The tale of Amaaltik sounds interesting. I wonder how Amaaltik plans to absorb the sun’s power (yeah, I’m already assuming it was more than just a myth, judging by the title ;P). Or perhaps, he plans to do something completely different, and the story is a myth that has become twisted over time. Maybe he’s secretly a good guy. Maybe he’s…. Yeah, I’m tired :P

Anyway, I found the writing style a little jerky, particularly in the prologue part. There was a bit of repetition in places, for example, you called Jason “the boy” twice in a short space of time, personally I’d just use him for the second one (I think it’s the fifth paragraph). Another thing was in the mother’s dialogue as she was telling the story. She interrupted her own dialogue with brackets. I don’t think they’re really necessary, plus people don’t really speak in brackets, if that makes sense. I think that line could easily be made into a separate sentence, without the brackets.

I felt the writing got better in the first chapter part, though. Maybe it’s because of Jason’s narration, it was very light and refreshing to read. I think your writing really complements the tone of the story, if that makes sense. I liked the introduction of the plot – the guy just randomly appearing in his kitchen was funny. I wonder why he wants Jason and Sadie to be sorcerers. Is it just a coincidence, or is there something about them that influenced his choice?

I also liked Jason’s reaction to the whole thing, it was amusing to read. So far I like Jason. He reminds me of himself, especially the part where he said he doesn’t stay mad at people for very long. Overall, he seems pretty chill. Sadie hasn’t appeared enough for me to form an opinion on her. Still, I’m interested to see where this goes.

Sorry if this comment is confusing and weird, by the way. I’m very tired :P

Haha, don’t people say that all the time? Maybe it’s an Australian thing :P I know I say it all the time. Thanks for all the critiques, I must admit I never thought of that (the not being able to see thing).

As for 256, you are right. He did keep Janelle alive deliberately, but his crush on Carey didn’t have anything to do with it :P I’m glad you noticed that, actually. It'll be important later on.

James sings (sung?). I suppose he probably would play the lute or something while he sung too. I never really thought about it that much because he dies so early on :P

And, no you haven’t interrupted me haha. It’s nice to have a break from work sometimes. I’ll try to review your story later tonight. I’m sorry, I’ll probably be a lot slower than before for the next few weeks, I’m a bit overwhelmed right now O.o

Haha, you’re right, it is odd. Honestly that was very lazy writing from me :P I plan on doing lots of editing to this once my exams are over, and that’s one of the first things on my list lol.

I thought I should explain the time skips in this chapter, because I’m not sure if you fully understood them (which is my fault, this chapter is a confusing one). Janelle’s part is set at the same time chapter ten took place, in fact it was originally part of it but 256’s part was too long, so I split it up. That’s why this chapter is rather repetitive and short, because I was trying to fill space… I definitely need to fix it up :P.  Anyway, Carey’s part of this chapter is set a month after Janelle’s part. Sorry if you already got that, I just wasn’t sure and if you didn’t you’d probably be really confused at the next one :P

 As for James, he meant he was leaving the room and giving up on trying to help Janelle with her anti-socialness, not leaving the rebellion altogether :P And in a way, playing music is adventurous, because it’s illegal for the nonGifted to leave their village without permission and play in places like the inn. It’s a different kind of adventure, I suppose you could say :P Thanks for the tips again. Heh, the "you know" thing is actually a speech tic of mine (I say it all the time, you know?) xD Anyway, feel free to point it out whenever I overuse that phrase, because it probably happens a lot.

Well, you must be doing well for about 295 ;) Haha, you are right, she was originally a man (and with a different number).  Thanks for telling me that, it’ll make my life a lot easier :P As for Carey’s face being green, it’s a figure of speech, is it not? xD I guess I did kind of make it sound like her face is literally green, though.

As for 440’s Gift (I’m assuming that’s what you meant to write, I hope I’ve made 256’s Gift obvious by now ;P), he has the Gift of Air. It’s not supposed to be a secret or anything, so I’m not giving you spoilers :P It just never came up in this chapter.

Coming into this, I was slightly confused. Lily says she is sixteen, so there must have been a timeskip… But then, if they’d only just now left Aodel, wouldn’t Dhom’s footprints have long since faded away? Surely it rained at least once in the time that passed, or even if it didn’t the wind would have blown sand over his footprints, that sort of thing... Or was there a timeskip earlier, and I just didn’t realise it? Sorry for being dumb :P

As for the morals, I think I understand Dhom’s method of dealing with annoying people – being nice to them, even though they’re annoying you. Being “the better person”. I think you conveyed that one well. But, I’m a little confused about Donal’s. Is it guilt-tripping them? xD I’m not sure :P Anyway, overall it was a good ending. Kind of sad, but at the same time satisfying. I like how Lily, Violet and Orun all left the place they were confined to, and can now go and explore the rest of the world… Hopefully they’ll find some nice people, somewhere.

Overall, this was a good fable. I enjoyed reading it. I think overall you conveyed the message well, although as I said I was a bit confused about Donal's part. Feel free to ask me questions, if you have them.

And Dan Delion. Amazing pun ;) Anyway, I have a really busy weekend, so I probably won’t be able to comment for the next few days O.o Still, I’ll try to get to at least one chapter of Hunting Amaatlik. Sorry for being slow!

Well, Carey was tired, hungry and cold, so she wasn’t really thinking at her most rational level ;) Even for Carey, that is very reckless :P

And as for 256, you should be worried… Muhahaha.

Thanks for the comment! I’m glad you liked the hierarchy thing, I thought it was only natural they’d have a “my powers are better than your powers” thing going on, so…

And wait, does that mean you think Sam’s dad is 256 from the future? xD That’s an… interesting theory ;)

Claire’s a ghost! Or something like that ;) I wonder what she is. Still, none of the others seemed to notice her, so perhaps only Kayla and Ariana can, for some reason. I wonder why… Hmm, I’m intrigued ;)

I felt sorry for Ariana in this chapter. She seems like she’s trying really hard to remember, but it just isn’t working for her. Although I want her to regain her memories, I feel there’s too much pressure on her at the moment. I think at some point she’s going to snap at Kayla. Still, overall it was a very emotional chapter. I felt really sorry for Kayla too, you did well in portraying her desire for Ariana to remember everything she was, but at the same time trying not to freak her out.

Speaking of, I found memoryless Ariana very interesting. I like how she was almost a completely different person. It really shows how environment is such an important determinant of personality. Gosh, that was nerdy. Sorry :P

I’d like to keep trading :) I can read that story once I’ve finished this one. And nothing is too weird for me! ;)

No! I knew it was going to happen, but still… :’( I wonder how Lily got poisoned. I doubt it will ever be revealed, but I’m curious :3 Anyway, I was happy with the bit at the beginning, with Rose. It’s nice to see how she truly cares for her children. It’s interesting, how Dhom doesn’t seem to have much knowledge of human behaviour. Of course she cares for her kids! It seems to me that Rose has been through a lot, and she puts on this exterior so she doesn’t hurt inside as much… Sorry if I’m being too analytical, btw. I can’t help but feel sorry for her (maybe cos she’s a single mum now, or because I’m a girl… I don’t know :P). Personally I’d exaggerate that scene even more, but I don’t think it’s necessary or anything. I just like drama too much :P Anyway, overall the emotional stuff was good. I like the bond between the girls and Dhom, it’s very heart-warming (or heart-wrenching, as in this chapter!)

I know short sentences are your style, and I’m biased because I’m a long-sentence person, but sometimes I just feel like the really short ones interrupt the flow of the story.  Like this sequence: “A red light turned on in her head. It came to her. What Dhom had in mind.” I feel like this would flow better if the last two were combined somehow. Also, this sentence: “They waited for the groaning of Dhom's stone body to get up from the ground.” I think you were going to say something about Dhom’s groaning to stop, but then changed it to him getting up halfway through :P Also this: “She was laying on the bed, on her side, staring straight at Dhom with blood-shot.” I think eyes is missing. And finally: “’How dare you call my daughter a she?’ Rose seethed.” Calling her a ‘she’ would be normal, wouldn’t it? ;)

Anyway, something I found a bit strange – it was an emotional moment and all, but I found it strange that a young girl would hold a knife against her throat like that. Most kids I know aren’t that self-sacrificing, if you know what I mean. The pleads are good, but I don’t think killing herself in exchange would cross her mind. Perhaps just make her struggle and yell instead? That seems more like something a kid would do :P

I like your comments the way they are :) And take as long as you want, I don’t really have time at the moment to do much editing at the moment so there’s no rush.

I’m glad you like 256’s evolution (or as I call it, his re-evolution). He’s definitely grown the most out of the main characters so far, I think :P Anyway, I’m happy there were a lot of feels in this chapter, that’s what I was going for ;)

Wow, that was a long comment :P It makes me feel my comments are inferior in comparison haha. Would you like me to try and write longer ones?

Janelle’s parents died around the same time her sister was born (her mother from childbirth, her father from pneumonia). So her sister was taken away after they died, leaving her alone. As for James, he is trying to help her, but he’s probably going about it the wrong way :P Thanks for all the tips again.

Well, 256 and Janelle do know more than the readers, really :P They both have secrets and are trying to forget about them, which will be revealed later. But these secrets still affect the way they think and act, particularly (like in this chapter, and in Janelle’s case the last one) when they are reminded of them. So when they speak and think like that it’s supposed to be intriguing. In this story, Carey fills the role of the audience surrogate character, in the sense that she doesn’t know more than the readers know and has no big secrets, but the other two are more mysterious, I suppose you could say. As for the blushing thing, I never really thought of the distinction like that. I more see “pink” blushing as just a small blush while “red” blushes are reserved for when the characters are really, really embarrassed, regardless of their gender :P

Hey! I thought I’d review this chapter again, considering so much has been added to it since I read the first one. Anyway, my comments on the first part of the chapter still stand, here are my comments on the second part:

This was a very intriguing chapter. I, like Junseh, am wondering how this man knows her Mum. I have some suspicions… Still, I need more info before I can form an opinion. Anyway, I found this chapter strangely amusing. It was a little confusing, but in a good way, as Junseh seemed to be confused so it’s like I’m feeling what she’s feeling… Sorry for rambling, by the way. I tend to do that.

Anyway, there were a few instances that I thought were a bit repetitious. Like this line, at the beginning of the second half:

“Junseh tied her hair in a ponytail and tied a handkerchief over her head.” Personally I’d use another word, maybe wrapped, in place of the second tied. There were a few sequences like this throughout the chapter. Sorry if I’m being really picky!

Overall, a good chapter. It was sad, and to be honest I’d forgotten they still had Jaycee’s body with them, until now ;) I like how even though none of them (except Laylia) knew Jaycee, but her death has affected them all the same. Anyway, it was a really good scene overall – the grave digging and the speeches were good, and I think your descriptive writing at the start was very good for setting the atmosphere :)

One thing I didn’t like, though, were the digs the kids were making at Laylia during the service. I mean, what they were saying was right, it was her fault, but for me it just seemed unrealistic that people would make those sort of comments during a semi-funeral. I know they don’t like Laylia and a lot of them aren’t particularly empathetic, but even so I think people just wouldn’t make jabs like that in this situation. For me I found that a bit awkward. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense, by the way. I’m not sure if I explained myself correctly.

Oh no, looks like I was right. I have a feeling I know how this story will end, now :( I wonder how Dhom will use up his last gem. It was interesting, how Orun lost his sight completely from looking at the sun. I wasn’t expecting that, I thought he was just temporarily blinded because he was unused to the light outside, I didn’t think it would be permanent. I wonder what the humans did to Orun’s grandfather. I guess they probably killed him, or something like that.

Anyway, I noticed an inconsistency. In this chapter, Dhom said none of the humans had thanked him for helping him. But Lagro thanked him a few chapters ago, if I remember correctly. Anyway, at the moment I feel like this story is a little too black and white – the dwarves (+ Lily and Violet and Dhom) are “good”, and everyone else is “bad”. That might just be my own tastes, though. I can’t help but wonder why “bad” people in stories are bad. I guess I’d like to see the villagers have a few redeeming qualities, because at the moment they seem a little one-dimensional. In the summary, it says this is a fable about dealing with problematic people. I think that one way of doing that is to try and understand why people are acting the way they are, and I think it would be good if you showed that. However, I know this is a short story and I’m probably being overly analytical, so feel free to ignore my ramblings :P

Oh no, I’m worried. The black dot on Dhom’s hand reminds me of necrosis in humans. Does that mean he’s going to die, or something like that? O.o I’m so worried for him! Anyway, this was a very sad chapter. I think you conveyed Violet’s emotions well, and the scene where Dhom used his gem to create a projection or whatever of her father was very touching. But, I felt it was a little lacking - I know this is a fable and thus the characterisation isn’t the same as a normal story. Even so, I think you’ve really missed out on adding another layer to Rose’s character, here. I mean, the woman’s husband just died. If their dad was such a magnificent person, there must be a reason why he loved Rose, and this would be a good way to show it. Anyway, I think it would be nice to show the whole family’s reaction, not just Violet’s. Of course, this could be in future chapters, and if it is feel free to ignore my whinging. Anyway, it’s not that the emotional stuff you have in this chapter is bad, or anything. It’s good, but I think there’s a potential for so much more.

Anyway, some errors I noticed.

This sentence “sized log. Lily pouted.” I think the first part must have been deleted somehow? Also, at the start you were using “30”, “29”, “28” etc. but then you suddenly switched to writing the whole word (thirty).

Thanks for the tips again :) And don’t worry, I don’t think your being picky at all. It’s good, because now when I go back and rewrite these chapters I’ll have these things to avoid in mind. And please, don’t feel pressured to comment more often than you do now! I’m the one who should apologize for being a slow commenter. I don’t have time tonight but I’ll try my best to read a few chapters of your story tomorrow :)

P.S I like you profile picture! :)

Thanks for reading! To be honest I’m more focused on my other stories right now, but if I ever decide to work on this one again I’ll keep your comments in mind :D

Like I said before I really like the interaction between the two sisters. It feels very realistic and natural, so good job. Especially the part where Violet accused Lily of having a crush on Dhom, I laughed at that part :P I felt really sorry for Lagro. I like that he was different from the two women, he didn’t seem as young and childish acting. I felt really bad when he was talking about his sick family. Maybe it’s because I think it’s important to know why people act a certain way, and that even if they do bad things that doesn’t mean they’re bad people, necessarily… Sorry for rambling, by the way. Maybe I’m just too sentimental.

I feel like you were overusing the exclamation mark in Lagro’s dialogue. Maybe I’m just really picky, but I feel like if it’s used too much it means the sentences that really should be emphasized lose their impact. Especially when he’s using it on almost every sentence :P I think if he’s described as shouting or something like that it would be better to use mostly full stops and occasionally an exclamation mark at the end of a bit of dialogue or something. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense, by the way. It might just be me. There was also one instance about 2/3rds of the way through the chapter where “Violet” wasn’t capatalized.

I must admit coming into this story I expected it to be about a pseudo-medieval society. I read “royalty” and that’s the first thing I think of ;) I was pleasantly surprised when it turned out that the story turned out to be set in a futuristic (I’m assuming it is, anyway) society. Anyway, good job for defying my expectations! I think your story will be more original this way. I like the main character so far, and although the chapter was quite short I think you did a good job of introducing her.

Now, one of the first things I noticed about this story is that you’ve given us a truck-load of information about their society, how it works, the tier system, etc in a very short space of time. I think it might be better to ease into it a little. Instead of just explaining everything in the narration perhaps include a bit of action or whatever that conveys this information in a less direct way. The chapter is only just a thousand words, perhaps expanding it a bit so all the information doesn’t seem as upfront would be better.

Yay, she’s woken up! Although, the drama isn’t over yet… They just can’t catch a break, can they? I wonder if she’ll stay memoryless, and Kayla and her have to build their relationship again (or not, if the memoryless Ariana doesn’t want to). Interesting plot development, I’m curious to see what happens. Anyway, I really liked Ariana’s inner battle with her mind. I hope one day she will be brave enough to open the door by herself! :P

Ahem. Something I would like to point out is that I found it strange how Ariana’s brain was healing. Neurons in the central nervous system are some of the only cells in the boy that can’t regenerate. Not that there’s anything wrong with her brain healing as it’s probably because of a more supernatural reason than a medical one, but I’d expect the doctors to be really surprised, or something :P Well, more surprised than they already were.

Not Bob! Anything but Bob! Sorry, I really hate the name Bob :P 256 does have a name, he just doesn’t know what it is (but I do! Muhahaha). After all, his parents must have called him something, before he was taken away. Although he may never find out what it is, or someone else may decide to call him something else, or he could stick to his number… I’ll give you a hint. His real name starts with a G.

Anyway, thanks for the grammar tips again! I always try to make sure I have plenty of male/female characters. After all, if fiction is supposed to reflect real life, then they should have even numbers of girls and boys unless there’s some reason not to. At this point in the story the only main male characters are 256 and Marvin, but there are more added later. It just turned out that way, really, that there’s a lot more females than males at the start ;)

Interesting chapter. I like Dhom Kichu so far, he seems to be a genuinely nice person/golem :) I really liked the part when he said that living in a stone house would be for him like a human living in a house of flesh. I have to admit, I would never have thought of that :P I wonder what other powers he has. He seems very nice. I liked how he helped Rose when her garden was destroyed, even though she was being so mean to him. Anyway, hopefully she’ll treat him more kindly from now on. Tehe, Pikachu :P Sorry, I love Pokemon (the games, that is).

One of the main critiques I have so far is that the human characters don’t really act their age. I know they’re supposed to be greedy, and greedy people are often immature, but I feel like they’re all greedy in the same way and it’s a bit unbelievable. I mean, I don’t really see much of a difference between her and Elena, they’re both demanding and unforgiving. Rose is perhaps slightly less greedy, as she didn’t demand a whole heap of gold or anything like that, but other than that my impression of them is pretty much the same. Although, I’m only halfway through the story, so perhaps I should read on first :P Also, sometimes I feel you add sentences that are a bit redundant. You describe the garden regrowing very well, but then at the end you put “The garden regrew itself”. That was already apparent, wasn’t it?

Heh, 440 is definitely not the nicest of people :P But personally, I feel sorry for him (for various reasons). Still, if you don’t like him now you’ll hate him even more after the next chapter…

I’m trying to think of ways to make Janelle’s story more interesting at the beginning. In a way though, I think there’s only so much I can do :P Her story is the sort that builds over time, while Carey and 256’s starts straight away, so I think no matter what I do hers will always be slow compared to theirs at the beginning. Oh well. I’m glad her story is interesting.

Haha, it’s funny I expected most people to think her sister was her daughter from the beginning, but most don’t seem to pick up on it. I suppose it’s quite unusual in a story like this for a main character to have a secret like that, so maybe that’s why. Although, this story does become quite a bit darker from now on (starting with this chapter). Anyway, here’s a cyber cookie for suspecting something! And as for Samantha, let’s just say her secrets are about to become a focus quite soon…

Haha, you’re right to be so negative. These early chapters are very lazily written, personally I cringe when I read back over them :P Still, I don’t want to do too much editing because I want to rewrite them altogether. Those chapters I edited wasn’t really editing, I was just adding astericks to make the POV changes easier to comprehend (before I hadn’t added them past the first two chapters).

Heh, I haven’t even seen Star Wars (I know, it’s shameful…) Anyway, your theories on the Leader and Marvin were very entertaining to read :P As for 256, he’s not in love with Carey. He’s only known her for a day, and I am an avid non-believer of love at first sight (I know, I’m a cynical old lady). You can’t love someone you don’t know. Still, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for her at this point. I actually think I probably made him too aloof at the beginning - he's supposed to appear that way at first, and then sort of reveal his "true colours" but I made it too big of a change... Just one of the things I want to rewrite :P

Argh, another chapter passes and there’s still no information on Ariana’s fate! Oh well, it keeps me coming back for more, so it must be good writing ;-) Btw, I’m starting to think that Claire is more than just a hallucination. I mean, she seems to know things that Kayla couldn’t know, like Alana’s plans. So maybe she’s a supernatural element too? xD

I feel like now Kayla’s started to let Ariana go, she’s going to wake up :P Still, it was nice, her dream was very sad (and yet oddly heartwarming). I think you've portrayed Kayla's grief and how she's moving through it very realistically, I'm impressed :)

And it looks like Alana’s got a crush… I laughed quite a few times at that, some good humour is always nice amongst the angsty goodness :P

Overall I liked this chapter. I really liked the interaction between the two sisters. As someone who grew up with a twin sister, it reminded me of the many fights and squabbles we got in over the years… Although the girls weren’t twins, but close enough :P Now I’m reminiscing. Hehe. Sorry for rambling. Although, I was surprised to learn they were around ten years old… I think their behaviour was a little immature for that age, I’d make them a little younger (the older one about seven or eight). I wonder what Donal is planning. Will the golem do something horrible to the villagers? I hope not, most of them are innocent…

This is probably just a personal thing, but sometimes I feel some your sentences are too short. Most of them are fine, but occasionally there are lines like this:

“Chocolate ice cream, with sprinkles. Her favorite.” I think it would flow better if the full stop after sprinkles was replaced with a comma.

There was also a sequence in the middle that I found confusing. The one where it said the crowd thought Elena was acting childish for pushing Donal, but then said they would have done the same thing… I don’t know, most adults I know wouldn’t have pushed someone to the ground like that, no matter how greedy they are. I’m not sure I really understood the statement :P Sorry for being dumb.

Yeah, Janelle and Samantha’s story takes a while to get going. I’ve been trying to think of a way to improve it at the beginning, but I think even if I do come up with something they’ll still have a slow start compared to Carey. Oh well. After about chapter 7/8 their story does begin to pick up.

As for the POV changes, I think they do get better later on. After about chapter 9 I only ever wrote one or two POVs a chapter (three very, very occasionally), and I think overall they’re a lot clearer then xD I’d forgotten about this until now, but I was also going to add some astericks in a line before POV changes, so hopefully that will give some warning and make them less jarring.

Thanks for commenting!  I’m glad you like the characters reactions to things. I try and make them as realistic as possible, so I’m happy they’re convincing :D And yes, info dumps should definitely be avoided :P

Oh, the astericks. They weren’t in the story originally, but I decided to add them in to make it easier to distinguish between the POV changes. Anyway, I added them to the first two chapters and forgot about them, so thanks for reminding me :P I’ll go add them in to the other chapters.

And your comment size is fine, hehe.

Heh, it is an interesting coincidence about the hair colours. Although, in this story Wesley isn’t much of a main character, and 256 has black hair like Samantha, so that ruins it :P I must say, I never knew there were specific ways of spelling blonde for girls and boys. I thought the other blond was an American spelling or something. I’ve always used blonde for both genders, but I guess I learn something new today! :)

As for the thing about the thoughts, I wrote these chapters a while ago. I used to write thoughts that way, but then I changed it because I think the italics flow better… I rewrote the whole first chapter and I’ve gone back and edited a few of them to match with my current style, but there are quite a few places in the earlier chapters that I missed. So there will probably be a few more instances like that, sorry :P

Heh, if Carey had been up against anyone else other than Janelle (or Samantha) she probably would have stood more of a chance. But, she ran into Janelle first, of course. She really doesn’t have the best luck, does she? xD

As for James and Emma, I’m glad their deaths had an effect on you :P Their deaths are more supposed to be a reality check for Janelle, so I wasn’t expecting them to have much impact on the readers. I did try to develop them a little in the short time frame, so I’m glad it seemed to work to some extent :P It’s a shame, because I enjoyed writing about them, but they were doomed from the start so eh. Maybe I’m just evil… xD As for Janelle, her confidence is pretty much shot at the moment. Not that it really existed before, but this shattered what little she did have.

It’s interesting, the whole blinded by bright light thing. I never would have thought of it, but it’s definitely realistic. Anyway, it was a good way of prolonging the mystery for a bit :P I like Donal’s way of describing the world. I think you’ve done a good job of showing how he’s an outsider, not a part of Erath… Anyway, it was interesting to read.

The ending part with Elena and her kid was interesting too. She seems like a greedy person, but I feel she may need the money for something… Still, it wasn’t very nice of her to demand his gold, especially when it was fairly obvious he didn’t mean to cause any harm. Still, I have a feeling that Donal’s opinions of humans may not be improved after this meeting :P

Thanks for the tips again :) I think you’re right about the voice thing. I should definitely change it. Although, I’m a little confused. What do you mean by: Another thing is saying a question: "'What else could it be?' he said, shrugging." Do you just mean because I wrote said instead of asked? Sorry for being dumb :P

As for the orange clouds, I don’t know about you but where I live the clouds always go this weird orange colour when the sun’s setting or rising :P So that was supposed to show it was the early morning (as Janelle was waking up).

Oh no, It wasn't low quality at all! I didn't mean to imply that, if I did. Did I? Anyway, it's a very good story :)

Another interesting chapter. I enjoyed the interaction between Feoi and Orun. Although, I must admit I’m a little confused. Does Feoi live with Donal and his family? Like an honorary uncle or something? :P

I also found it a little strange that Orun seemed to know quite a lot about the outside world. I mean, if Donal fears going outside surely he would have told his son as little about it as possible, to prevent him from wanting to see it. Perhaps Donal wasn’t always as afraid. Maybe something happened to him, and that’s why he and his family haven’t visited the outside world in so long. Anyway, the conversation was a good way of giving information about the dwarves and the other different races. I found the evolutionary stuff interesting, about how the dwarves aren't adapted to the hot climate (sorry, I’m a bit of a science nerd) :P

Anyway, I enjoyed Feoi’s characterisation in this chapter. I like Orun, but I feel he’s a bit of a stereotypical wide-eyed, innocent and excitable child. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I guess you could say I just don’t find him that interesting. I like Feoi and Donal though, I think you’ve shown their personalities well :)

The ending part was well-written. I do found it strange that Donal wasn’t cautious enough to be looking out for danger, though. I mean, he seems very protective, surely he’d be on his guard in unfamiliar territory. I hope Orun is okay :(

Oh, and a break from past tense I noticed:

“Orun seems just as confused."

Overall, you did a very good job of introducing the two characters. I can distinguish between them easily. Donal seems far more cautious, very protective. Perhaps overprotective :P I think he does mean well, but I have to say I agree with Rena and Orun. After all, he can hate on humans all he wants but he should really see them with his own eyes before he judges them. I don’t have as much of an impression of Feoi, but he seems like a more carefree foil to Donal. Overall, I’m very interested to see where the plot goes :)

Now, some things to be picky about. Your dialogue is very good, very natural, but sometimes I feel you overdo it with the tags. There were very few instances where someone simply “said” something. I mean, obviously it’s good to vary it up, using different dialogue tags and adjectives, but in my opinion if overdone it distracts from the actual speech. As they say, dialogue should speak for itself :P For example:

"I want to," Orun said unnecessarily.

Okay, this is going to be a mouthful: I think the “unnecessarily” is unnecessary :P And using words like “hesitated”, “pointed out”, “stated”, etc, are good sometimes, but they should be used more sparingly. Sorry for being so picky :P

Overall, grammar and boring stuff like that was great. There was just one sentence I found a little awkward:

“Maybe we've finally...mined out all the ore in these...caves” I know he’s supposed to be breathless, but for me the pauses seem awkwardly placed. As he’s mentioned to be out of breath I don’t think it’s really necessary to include them. Maybe it’s just a personal thing, as I always think of “…” as someone’s voice trailing off, so for me it seems weird :P

Hi! Thanks very much for reading :) I’d be happy to do a trade with you. Tell me which story you’d like me to read :)

Thanks for the tips and stuff. I must admit I always struggle when two people of the same gender are talking, I don’t like repeating names a lot but then if I don’t it gets confusing… xD As for Janelle and the thing with the weapons, before she met Samantha she didn’t have any weapons or hope of achieving her goal. That’s what I meant anyway, I’m not sure how clear it was :P

This story is split pretty much evenly between the main characters (who may be more than just the two girls…) but Janelle’s plot is the sort that takes a while to build up while Carey’s starts straight away. So yeah, for the first six or so chapters Carey does get a lot more action than Janelle. I also faced a dilemma with this chapter, because I wanted to start with Carey’s part (as it makes a better opening) but I also wanted to end on it because of the cliffhanger… Usually it won’t be split like that :P

As for whether the Gifted are good or bad… Well, that’s a secret ;)

I like Kayla’s sister. I like how she straight up said what she thought instead of dodging around the issue because of Kayla’s grieving. I think she really needed that, and it's good that somebody had the courage to do so :P I’m looking forward to seeing more of her. I found this chapter strangely humorous – like at the beginning, when Claire was yelling at Kayla. It was a nice light-hearted break from the angstiness of the previous chapters.

Anyway, this chapter had some interesting developments. I feel like now if Ariana dies Kayla might be able to live on. Although, I don’t want her to die, so I hope this doesn’t happen xD

Hehe, it’s good if you’re worrying about Janelle’s plan :P After all, she hasn’t really thought it through that well, has she? xD Let’s just say that the next chapter is very important regarding her character development.

And yes, Carey’s escape attempts haven’t worked out that well so far. As they say, third time’s the charm… Or maybe it isn’t ;-)

You continue to portray emotions very well. I liked how her mum felt guilty too. Also, Kayla’s grief seems realistic to me – not eating, depressed, etc. etc. It’s not over the top, but it’s not downplayed either. So good job :D

I’ve probably mentioned this before, but I like Cooper’s relationship with Ariana (and Kayla too, for that matter). I’m glad he isn’t in love with one of them, as I feel a lot of authors like to add annoying love triangles where they really shouldn’t be… Ugh, I hate those things (love triangles, I mean). Sorry for the rant xD

Oh, and a minor complaint – the hospital would have surely cleaned the blood off Ariana’s fingers. Hygiene and all that. Sorry for being so picky xD

I liked Carson’s breakdown in this chapter. It’s good because it contrasts with Marena and Shay’s “do anything to survive” . To be honest I’ve more been seeing him as an extension of Shay rather than his own character for most of the story so far, but now he’s definitely beginning to stand out by himself, in this chapter especially :-)

Sorry if I’m being whiny about this, but I think the agents/cops are being a bit slow on the uptake about their group. I mean, they are trained in combat, I presume, and yet they’ve only managed to kill one of them so far while the kids have killed/badly injured the vast majority of them :P By now they really should have learnt to use the element of surprise, instead of just barging into the place or talking directly to one of them as the agent did to Shay last chapter. For me, it’s a little unbelievable.

I really love the dynamic the group has :-) It seems very natural and friendly to me. Even though they haven’t all known each other for that long, they seem to care a lot for each other’s safety. The moments between Delta and Rachel were sweet too. I have a feeling something is going to happen between them quite soon ;-)

Oh, I’m excited to learn more about this Phantom woman. I hope she will show another side to the Phantoms, or at least provide some more hints about their plans/motivations, etc :P I wonder how she and Predator know each other (I mean, I assume they were captured together, but I wonder what happened between them).

Overall, good chapter. The action scenes were exciting and well-written. I like Fear so far, he seems cool.

Wow, you’re very observant! The Other Worlds are only really mentioned a few times in this book. They are given a brief explanation later, but other than that they remain mostly a mystery :3

As for what 256 did, from our perspective what he did isn’t bad at all… But for the Gifted, it’s very bad xD And yes, let’s just say that Carey is definitely showing him a new perspective on life :P But the Gifted are the only life he knows, so it’ll be very difficult for him to turn his back on them even if he disagrees with what they do.

Heh, I see what you meant about supernatural stuff :P Overall, a very good chapter. It was interesting to see inside Ariana’s mind. What happened to Ariana reminds me of this case we studied in my psychology elective last year… That girl was locked in a dark room too. Sorry, had a bit of a nerd moment there :P

Ugh, Ariana’s father is just… Let me just say I’m glad he’s rotting in prison (although, I have a theory that he’ll escape at some point…). Although, her mum seems pretty bad too. How could she let him do those horrible things to her daughter? Although, I’m assuming he was probably cruel to her too, and that made her compliant.

Hehe, well let’s just say you will find out very soon about Carey’s decisions… As for 256, he’s slightly preoccupied at the moment :3

Thanks for the comment! I'm currently re-reading through the beginning of your story, hopefully I should reach where I was up to either tomorrow or on Monday :)

Sorry for taking a while to get to this. I’ve been rather swamped with midsems these past few weeks O.o

I found it a little strange that Rudi didn’t resist much when the girls were playing with her and switching her between the dishes. You’d think she’d be trying to escape, or something. Unless she was restrained somehow and I missed it? Anyway, other than that, good chapter. Swift and Fang seem like interesting characters, I wonder what part they will play in the story from now on.

Grammar/Writing stuff:

“With that in mind, the sun peeked out from behind a passing cloud, into Rudi’s eyes” the second comma is unnecessary. It can be hard sometimes to know where the right place to put a comma in. Read it out loud and think, does it sound okay with a breath here?

“He soon plopped it on her little head and the feather draped down and into her face.” It should be “onto” instead of “and into”

“Up close, he looked rather handsome. Except for his fuzzy black ears and piercing green cat eyes”. A sentence like this could easily be combined into one. It flows better that way and wouldn’t seem as choppy if you replaced the full stop with a comma (after handsome).

Also, sometimes you haven’t capitalised their names.

Hah, so Zhawn does have a dead wife/girlfriend! And Aedain’s dad killed her and their kid… Or perhaps some other shenanigans happened, and he wasn’t the one to do it? My theory is that she’s a human and they had some sort of star-crossed lovers  scenario going on. Anyway, I suppose his plan is to make whoever brought him back to life bring her back to life, using lots of human souls as payment.

Anyway, about the story overall. It’s definitely the best I’ve read on this site, there were no bits I found boring or dragged out. The plot is well thought out and interesting, I think you’ve added just the right amount of mystery for me to want to read on :P The characters are good too, not amazing but then they aren’t the focus on this story. Overall I think Aedain was developed best, although May was developed well too. She and Nesrin are my favourites xD

 If there’s one thing I think you could improve that’s adding more “bonding time” between certain characters. I think May and Erik should have more interaction while they’re kidnapped, as May seems very protective of him but I don’t think we’ve seen enough of their relationship. Also I think it would be nice for May and Leif to have more interaction at the beginning, because to me his revelation that he’s in love with her seemed a little out of the blue, as he doesn’t really know her that well (of course, that could be what you’re intending). But I understand it’s difficult with a story this long xD

Hmm, the effects of the spear sure are interesting… I knew it couldn’t be useless! Still, instead of just being a weapon of mass destruction, it can possess people (humans? Perhaps it only works on them…) and make them go evil… Hmmm, I’m intrigued.

So, Nesrin saved Zhawn. Damn, looks like she’s not switching sides anytime soon… It will happen eventually, I’m sure of it! xD Hehe, I can dream…

The moment when Hailey and May met was very heart-warming. Aedain’s jealously was hilarious, I look forward to his horror when he realises he’s in love with her (it will surely be a hilarious moment). Anyway, I’m sad I only have one chapter left.

“Her fair hair was tangled, the pretty face smeared with dirt, and the clothing wrinkled, but it was Hailey.” It should be “her pretty face” and “her clothing”.

Baltar’s love for Aedain is really touching. Demons must have a high tolerance for pain, for him to not seem too bothered by cutting through nerves and all that. I remember I watched this movie once where this dude cut off his own arm, and cutting through the nerves was absolute agony for him. Sorry for rambling, by the way, I find these things interesting… Yeah, I’m a bit weird.

Anyway, as usual I have nothing but praise for your action scenes. I like the fights are numerous, but not repetitive, which is something I think some writers (including myself) struggle with. But you manage to make each fight unique and interesting. Here, a cyber cookie for you.

Oh Zhawn, you shouldn’t have gone after May, now Aedain will want to kill you even more. I wonder why he was sad before trying to kill her. Perhaps she reminds him of someone… A wife or daughter perhaps? Maybe he had a human wife, and Aedain’s dad killed her? Some sort of star-crossed lovers scenario xD

I think Aedain was a cat in a past life. He sure nearly dies a lot xD

“However, when Baltar pulled, they began like weak strings.” Broke instead of began

“Can’t we somehow lift it?” This would be better as “Can’t we lift it somehow?”

“Massaging the sore arm, May lifted her head to gaze upon the battle site.” It should be “massaging her”

“I thought he would let go off Zhawn.” Of not off

I must admit I laughed when Erik accidently revealed his triumph in stealing the spear to Aedain and Zhawn xD I guess he was just sick of being ignored whenever he tried to tell May, huh?

Still, I think there must be some way to access the spear’s true power. After all, it’d be a little anti-climactic if it were completely useless xD Anyway, the dragon battle was awesome. I found Zhawn really cool, how he used Aedain’s weaknesses against him. He sure knows what he’s doing xD It was nice to see Aedain protect the humans. Perhaps one day he’ll do so out of just a wish to protect them, instead of just because of his love for May (not that there’s anything wrong with that either).

Still, you’re definitely building the climax of the story well. I hope to read the rest of the story tonight, unless I fall asleep halfway through, which is possible. I’m like a zombie right now xD

Well, that was definitely intriguing. I wonder who that woman is. She was cool, very badass. At first I thought she might be an elemental power, except her power is water, but then she was a demon so I guess not. She has black hair, and Aedain has black hair, if I remember correctly (yeah, that’s all the evidence I have for this theory xD) so maybe they’re related? But then, he probably would have recognised her. Woohoo, crazy theories are fun.

I also liked May’s reaction to Lavena’s death. It seemed realistic, and I liked how she was more shocked than anything. I forgot to mention this in my last comment, but in a way it was a smart thing to have Lavena die... After all, now we can't find out from her about May's importance to keeping everyone alive, like she was talking about a few chapters ago. Damn, you're prolonging the mystery... xD

“Its blade reflected the run rays.” This should be “Its blade reflected the sun’s rays.”

“Were’s Baltar?” Where instead of were.

Lavena, no!!!!!!! I have to admit I thought her death was the most likely to happen (either her or Baltar was my prediction, but he’s not looking to be in very good shape so who knows it could be both of them), but it was depressing anyway :( Still, her sacrifice was touching, and the description of her spell was very cool. I also found it very funny how Aedain was praising his own genius one minute and then it was shoved in his face the next xD He still has a lot to learn, doesn’t he?

In terms of grammar and stuff, there were quite a lot of unnecessary commas in this chapter, more than usual. For example in this sentence: “The dragon prince smirked, when he saw one of his enemies stumble back, with his footprint on the forehead”, the first comma is unnecessary.

Also, I found this a little strange. “pressing his paralyzed left hand to the aching shoulder.” If Aedain’s arm is paralysed, then how can he raise it to press his shoulder? Shouldn’t he not be able to move it at all, or is it just partly paralysed?

Sorry for taking a while to get to this, btw. I’ve had a lot of tests and exams these past two weeks O.o But they’re over now, yay! Well, over for now… xD

Heh, that’s actually a weird speech quirk of mine :-P Thanks for picking it up, as it slips through my mind when I’m editing. Thanks for the comments! :-)

Well, the Gifted aren’t really brainwashed into being jerks. They’re brainwashed into thinking they’re superior. For some, this means treating the nonGifted badly, etc, etc, for others it means treating them with respect but at the same time still seeing them as inferior. So in 256’s mind he’s ‘saving’ Carey from a life of being inferior. Not all brainwashed people are created equally, after all, and it's not always as effective on some as it is on others, because everyone has slightly different ways of reacting to such things. There are reasons (that will be revealed later) why he’s not as much of a mean guy as you’d expect. And if I made him a jerk, then he'd just be another annoying angsty young adult novel male lead :-P

Thanks for picking up that typo. I must admit I'm a very lazy editor, so I make a lot of them ;)

I figured it was only natural for there to be a hierachy among the Gifts ;-) I mean, surely they’d have a bit of “my powers are better than yours” competition going. The position of the Gifts of Earth is probably the most important in this story (not for quite a while, though). Well, it’s important for one character in particular… :-P

Heh, originally I was going to make Gifts inherited, but then I figured the Council would just make the Gifted have children with each other (not that it doesn’t happen, like with Marvin, but they’re not technically supposed to xD). So I made them non-genetic, and therefore someone whose parents are Gifted have no more chance of having powers than anyone else.

Oh, the emotions. Kayla’s reactions to everything in this chapter seemed very realistic, it was very sad. Especially her anger and guilt, I think you portrayed them very well. I’m kind of getting the feeling that she needs to start viewing Ariana a little more realistically, though. Putting her on a pedestal (calling her an angel, etc etc) like that really isn’t a good foundation for a relationship. If Ariana wakes up (and gets back to her old self) I hope she begins to view her a bit more realistically. I also liked Cooper’s reactions too, and Kayla’s conversation with her mum. Overall, you did very well with the emotions in this chapter.

Some of the medicine and procedures bugged me a little, though. I highly doubt they’d let Kayla in the room while trying to revive Ariana, generally someone would take family members/partners/friends outside (because honestly, they’d just get in the way). I also found it strange that they didn’t call security or something when Kayla was smashing everything. Medical equipment is very expensive, after all. I mean, they’d be used to angry reactions but I highly doubt they’d just leave the room and let her destroy stuff, especially if she was threatening them with a scalpel or whatever. She could get into a lot of trouble for that, but the doctors and nurses didn’t seem to care, which was strange for me. Plus, they’d never allow her to lock herself in the room with sharp instruments in such a vulnerable state. I would expect someone to be pounding on the door and trying to get in, not waiting politely outside while she’s slitting her wrists.

 Also, ten minutes without oxygen and a build up of carbon dioxide isn’t just a miracle, it’s pretty much impossible. I mean, most people can't even hold their breath for a few minutes without passing out. The brain is an incredibly active tissue, and once the neurons die they can’t regenerate (neurons in the central nervous system are some of the only cells that can’t undergo mitosis and divide). Personally I think you should make her heart beat again a little sooner, so cynics and science nerds like me don’t get annoyed :P

Oh, sorry I phrased that wrong. Spitting in the drinks was a good idea and a good way to infect people, I just meant that infecting a whole bunch of people from the same restaurant using that method wasn’t a very good idea :P

This chapter was a nice break from the heaviness of the previous ones. I actually laughed a couple of times through the chapter ;) I don’t think spitting in people’s drinks was a very good idea, though, as it’ll just draw attention to them and further fuel the theory that they’re nothing but cold-blooded murderers. But then, it’s good in a way because it would be boring if they made really smart decisions all the time :P

Although, I did find it strange that none of the customers seemed to notice that the waitresses had all been replaced. Places like that would tend to have regulars, so I would expect somebody to notice. But then, I suppose they weren’t there for that long before the agent found them, so maybe someone would have noticed given time.

I wonder what Lavena wants the spear for… Her talk to May intrigued me. Perhaps she had something to do with the whole mirror thing. But then, she tried to get May to go home, so… Maybe that was an attempt to get her to a safe place? But then, why did she come through in the first place? Hmm, so many theories.

Aedain really isn’t that smart, he seemed surprised when May told him the twins’ weakness. They’re fire powered, so it makes seems logical to me xD

I found it a little strange that Aedain mentioned hitting his solar plexus. Most people I know don’t have that much knowledge of anatomy :P The expression used when hit in the solar plexus is “having the wind knocked out of you”, but most people wouldn’t know what it was that made it happen, they’d just assume they were hit in the stomach. so I’d expect Aedain to say something like “he felt the foot collide with his stomach, knocking the wind out of him.”

“They lounged forward, flanking him.” Lunged instead of lounged.

“as his bruised lugs were surrounded by shattered ribs” typo on lungs

“even if he managed to defeat the duo and Zhawn, what was questionable.” Which instead of what.

“and the riders were persons he knew very well” people instead of persons.

Heh, 256 is the type who tries really hard and wants to be a yes man, but it just never seems to work out for him xD He, like most of the characters in this story (Janelle, Marvin, Samantha…) has some secrets.

It’s funny, the Leader’s motives for doing this are never really explained (he does have them, but… it never really comes up). Maybe I should add them in, because people keep wondering about them (there is a spot I could do that, later on). Or maybe I should leave it ambiguous, I don’t know xD

Yay, Erik is back! I enjoyed reading about him again. So the spear Zhawn has is fake… Hmm, I wonder how he’s going to react when he finds out about that ;) Surely he will not be very happy. Still, I wonder if Erik will develop any more demony powers as the story goes on. I found it strange at the end that nobody went, “Hey Erik, what’s that huge great thing you have?” Surely at least one of the would have noticed, even though they were slightly preoccupied ;)

I felt really sorry for Duke Thoen in this chapter. I wonder what he’ll do when he finds out the real Maewyn is dead.

“He ducked in the last moment before a lucky arrow flew right through the place, he was standing just split second ago.” The comma is unnecessary.

“Thanks,” Erik breathed out, hardly believing that it worked out.” It should be “it had worked” instead of “it worked out”

“Take that damn weapons away!” those instead of that.

 “Duke Thoen stared at his subordinate as though Leif ate a pile of suspicious mushrooms.” This would be better as “Duke Thoen stared at his subordinate as though Leif had eaten a pile of suspicious mushrooms.”

Sorry for taking a while to get to this… I have a very scary exam this week O.o And I must admit I was kind of scared to read it… Quite rightfully so, I might add :(

Nooooooooooo, Ariana!!!! As this is the world of fiction, I’m sure she’ll survive (but probably with some sort of medical problem) but still!!!! It was so upsetting when Kayla had to pretend that Ariana meant nothing to her (I was impressed by her acting skills, btw). I kept hoping Dwayne would buy it and leave them alone, but no… What a bastard (sorry if you think that word is offensive, in my country it’s not a “serious” swear word).

Anyway, overall you did a great job building up the tension and the final moment, where Ariana got shot, even though I was expecting something bad I was still going, “Nooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!”

Hi! Welcome back :) I’ll try and get back to reading your story sometime in the next few weeks, I’ve got a few big and scary exams coming up so I’m very busy at the moment, but I’m an avid procrastinator so I’m sure I’ll find some time for it :3 Plus, I owe a few people reviews as well, but I’ll definitely get back to it sometime soon :)

Yay, more action. I think I’ve probably already mentioned this, but your action scenes are fantastic ;) I’m always on the edge of my seat reading them. Leif, Baltar and Lavena are so badass. And May with the frying pan! That reminded me of Tangled ;) Sorry, I really love animated movies… Particularly Disney ones :P

It was very entertaining reading about their cool moves. I also liked the humour in this chapter – I laughed out loud at May’s insulting of Leif and Baltar’s manliness. Anyway, very exciting. If I didn’t have a stupid anatomy exam to study for, I’d read the rest of the chapters now.

“The fluent moves and well-aimed strikes betrayed great talent,” This would probably be better as “His fluent moves and well-aimed strikes betrayed great talent”

“As wonderful the Dining Hall looked” This should be “as wonderful as the Dining Hall looked”

“he spent over eighty years with Aedain,” it should be “he had spent”

Will I be in danger if I admit I haven’t actually seen Star Wars? xD Although, I have of course heard of that scene. Everyone knows about that ;-)

It’s strange, I thought I was really, really, really obvious about Samantha and 805. In fact, it was such a classic twist I didn’t even try and hide it :P But so far, you seem to be the only one that picked up on it… Which I’m happy about, because I wanted people to figure it out :P Here, have a cyber cookie. It’s a yummy one, I promise.

Anyway, they are most certainly not going to be a happy family all of a sudden ;-) After all, they really are just strangers. And Sam kind of hates him, so that puts a bit of a downer on their relationship.

As for 256 and Carey, it’s good if you laughed :-P It was supposed to be a break from all the angstiness of the first part of the chapter (and the next one… *evil laughter*).  256 isn’t very suave, is he? xD

Thanks for the comment! Yeah, Janelle’s story really does take a while to get going. Chapter 7/8 is where it starts to pick up :3 Janelle and Sam are more of the “plan as we go” people. They (like all of the nonGifted) don’t have much knowledge of government, warfare, etc. etc. so they just have to adapt and learn. Therefore a revolution is no easy task for them :P

No, Aedain! I don’t think he’ll die, considering he’s almost died twice now and thus his death wouldn’t be as much of a surprise… Sorry, I’m very statistically minded xD But at the same time, I don’t see how he’s going to get out of this, so I’m worried for him. Maybe he’ll die and get the “Zhawn treatment” somehow :P Yay, crazy theories are fun.

I really want to learn why Zhawn rebelled now. It seems like it will be something surprising. I must admit, I don’t have much of an idea of why he did it :P

Speaking of, I wonder what happened to Erik. I fear he may be dead, as Zhawn has the spear now, but before Erik had touched it. I’m so worried for him :(

“It seems you won’t escape the death this time.” This should be “It seems you won’t escape death this time”

 

Yay I can finally post this reply!

Sorry :P I have to make their reunion dramatic, no? The cliffhanger is necessary, I say! And yes, you are right about the chapter title. The chapter where 256 and Carey separated was called “Endings and Beginnings”, while this one is called “Beginnings and Endings”. So I wasn’t just being lazy ;)

I hope Thomas isn't too annoying. He is quite passive person, as he grew up a recluse and isn't really used to making his own decisions.

Heh, it was also necessary for me to injure 805 and deprive him of his favourite weapons XD If he were fighting at full strength Janelle and co. wouldn’t stand a chance against him :P Well, Samantha might, but the others… And yes, you did get her number right ;)

Hmmm, Asgaror. I wonder what that place is like :P I assume that’s where Hailey and the others are being taken. I looked up Asgard, as I’d never heard of it… I sounds interesting, and filled me with new theories about Nesrin and Zhawn and his plans. Speaking of Nesrin, she was cool like usual. It was really awesome to see what she can do with her icy powers. I liked their meeting. It was very well written and exciting. I hope they will meet again someday, and Nesrin will join them… It has to happen! XD

I really liked May’s spirit in this chapter, her quick thinking impressed me. I like how she’s not a “super duper strong woman”. I have lots of friends who say that apparently someone can’t be a “strong heroine” without being physically strong… It annoys me, because I think someone’s strength is a lot more than just their physical capabilities. So I like how May is a strong heroine without being physically that strong, if that makes sense… XD

And yay, Baltar and Lavena are alive! His reaction to finding out Aedain is most likely alive was sweet. I hope they can save him in time.

“Aedain borrowed me these swords and I want to return them to him as soon as possible.” This should be “Aedain lent me these swords”

“Nice try, dear, but can’t destroy ice with metal” this should be “Nice try, dear, but you can’t destroy ice with metal”

“May took a step backwards, when the white-haired woman glided toward her, rustling her ethereal robe.” This would be better as “May took a step backwards as the white-haired woman glided towards her, rustling her ethereal robe.”

Woohoo! Nesrin likes the puns too! Oh, I’m so excited. Go, May, go! Convince Nesrin to join you! I’m really looking forward to seeing what happens with them.

The talk of Baltar and Lavena in this chapter made me sad. I hope they’re alive… If they’re dead I wonder what May will do when she finds out. And Aedain, too, I wonder what he'll do if Baltar dies (I'm 100% sure Aedain's still alive).

“Leif always appeared to be a nice, cheerful boy and now a completely different person seemed to stand before her.” This would be better as “Leif had always appeared to be a nice, cheerful boy, and now a completely different person seemed to stand before her.”

“as blood in their veins froze” it should be “as the blood in their veins froze”

Another good chapter. I enjoyed the action scenes, they were very well written and exciting. It was very heart-warming how Aedain risked his life to save May. He’s definitely changed a lot over the course of the story, that’s for sure ;)

To be honest, I find Leif’s character a little… bland, I suppose you could say. At the moment he kind of reminds me of those dudes from fairy tales who love the princess and want to save her for no apparent reason. At the beginning of the story when he appeared I felt he had more personality. I enjoy his interaction with Aedain but I’m not really getting much of a feel for his character aside from his love for May and his bravery. I mean, there’s plenty of time for him to be developed, but right now I feel he pales in comparison to Aedain in terms of character development and stuff. At the moment, I actually like Aedain more than him, which for me is very weird (I tend to like the "nice guy" over the "bad boy"). Maybe it’s just because we don’t know much about him yet. Don’t get me wrong, I do like him but I feel like he’s kind of just there at the moment. Sorry for being whiny!

“At fist sparkle of happiness appeared in his eyes, but soon vanished.” There’s a typo on first, and it should be “at first a sparkle”

Also, there were a few times early in the chapter where some random words were italicised.

Yeah, he’s not the best at comforting people (well, people like Carey, anyway). Hey, at least he tried xD

As for him being unable to read, it’s more than just he doesn’t really need to, although that is part of the reason xD The Leader and the Council rely on the complete obedience of the Gifted for their regime to continue. By not educating them properly it means they won’t think for themselves as much… And also, it controls the amount of information available to them.

Thanks for commenting! :D

Of course I do! She’s awesome not to. See, I resisted the puns that time ;) She and May are tied for my favourite characters.

Haha, it is very long-awaited… At first I meant for this story to have about thirty chapters, then thirty-five… Now it’s probably going to be about 39-40 (because I keep having to split chapters into two, and thinking of things to add... xD).

As for 256 possibly joining the rebels… Well, you’ll see :3

Wow, what a mood whiplash that was. The first half of the chapter was sweet, like previously, but the end… Well, I suspect many tears will be shed in the next chapter. Anyway, overall you’ve done a very good job at building up the anticipation and tension of Dwayne’s appearance. I’ve been expecting it for ages, but at the same time, it was still a shock XD So good job.

I have a da….ughter? Am I right, am I right? I suppose you probably can’t tell me even if I am :3 It would fit, considering they were talking about children and stuff. And considering Ariana’s past, I highly doubt her dad was that careful with the birth control, so it’s very plausible. I'm assuming if she does have a kid they got taken into custody and adopted or something. I wonder if I’m right…

Gosh, Royse has certainly got a few screws loose. I thought of him as a bit of an idiot before, for trusting Zhawn, but now I see he’s just a bit crazy :P Anyway, I like how May thought of her sister when faced with her impending death. It shows that she’s good-hearted and selfless.

As for Aedain, I wonder how long it will take him to realise that he’s in love with May. I mean, he’s been yammering on about the spear for God knows how many chapters and here he is potentially giving it up to save her? That dude’s got it bad ;) I feel bad for him, but at the same time he deserves it :P

And gosh, Aedain’s very protective of his sword, isn’t he? xD Sorry, I have a very dirty mind… I see double entendres everywhere. I cracked up for like five minutes while reading that… I’m very mature, I’m sure you can tell.

 “the signs of upcoming war, which would swallow Karhadon.” I think this would be better phrased “the signs of an upcoming war which would swallow Karhadon.”

Hmmm, I’m assuming the woman at the end was Nesrin? I don’t see who else it could be ;) What will she do, when she finds Erik has touched the spear? I think she’ll try and protect him from Zhawn’s wrath. I could be wrong, but I think I am biased because I really want her to defect to their side xD. She’s cool (the puns again, sorry I can’t help myself :P) and I want to learn more about her and how she and the other two came into existence.

“Maybe he was still a child, but even he knew what that meant” a better way to word this would be “He might still be a child, but even he knew what that meant”

Oh no, Dwayne’s going to come for her! Although I’m scared about what he do, at the same time it’s good to have a bit of conflict. So far the story has been quite fluffy (In a dark sort of way, considering their pasts and stuff), so I like that the plot is beginning to pick up.

Overall, a good chapter. It was very sweet, but that just makes me even more nervous… Something bad is going to happen, and I feel it will be very soon O.o Particularly given the title of the next chapter ;)

That was so sad :( I like Baltar and Lavena, so I hope they’re still alive… But I doubt it. I think at least one of them will truly be dead. It was heart-wrenching how they sacrificed their lives (or freedom if they don’t die) so Erik could escape.

Nesrin continues to intrigue me. I’m certain she’ll turn against Zhawn at some point, and I’m really interested to see how it happens. Maybe she will talk to May at some point, and they may agree to work together... I don't know :P

I was confused by the Duke acting so kind to May, when he thinks she got his son killed deliberately. At first I thought it must be some strange ruse to get her inside so he could kill her himself for revenge or something. I suppose that could still be true, but I must say I didn’t expect him to still have Abbran’s bones all gross and decayed. Maybe the murder of his son drove him insane with grief, or maybe Zhawn did something to him…

“His stomach growled, demanding nutrition, but he ignored the all too known melody.” “All too familiar” instead of “all too known” would be better here.

“Erik nodded and took a look at the muscled biceps”. It should be “his muscular biceps” instead of “the muscled biceps”. Also, I find it strange he is saying muscled biceps, when the biceps are a muscle… I think it would be better to say “upper arm” or something like that :P

Hehe, don’t worry about it. I have a whole bunch of tests and exams coming up, so I probably won’t be able to do much commenting for a while anyway :)

Wow, you’re the first person to notice that! Here, have a cyber cookie. There’s no story significance, it’s just a little bit of symbolism. Also, thirteen is my favourite number XD I’m very nerdy when it comes to number patterns as well. As the story goes on not all of the important characters have numbers that add up to thirteen (there is one more significant character at this point that does, but he isn’t introduced for a while) but I chose all of them very carefully, particularly 256. The other number I use is the number 4, because of how it’s viewed in China (I studied Chinese for a while). Most of the important Gifted characters have numbers related to either 13 or 4. Except for 256, who has both (4 to the power of 4 is 256). Gosh, that was much longer than I meant it to be…

Well, as they said they can set fire around you, or lock you in a room and raise the water levels, but they can’t directly harm you (i.e set you on fire or fill your lungs with water, for example). So there are ways to work around the limitations of the Gifts… But they need some limitations, otherwise the rebels wouldn’t have a chance XD

I can’t say I find Marena’s theory about the virus killing stupid people that likely, as I can’t really see how a virus could work like that… Old and weak people I can understand, simply because they wouldn’t have the immune system to deal with it. Besides, like Shay I’m sceptical because not all of their group strike me as the sharpest tools in the shed :P

There’s definitely something up with the virus, though. Especially because they all knew each other, and the Axel who also knew them became a Carrier too… But then, Cassie and that guy (can’t remember his name, her boyfriend) were infected, and they knew them… Hmm, but aside from that I can’t really think of something they all have in common :P

I have to say, I saw Kayla visiting the prison the minute she stepped into that car. Also, was the Rachel Greene thing a reference to Friends? :P I found that quite funny, it made me laugh even though it was a serious moment XD Adrian’s story about religion and stuff reminded me of this Criminal Minds episode I watched once. It’s interesting how people use religion like that… I’m not even remotely religious, but it still bothers me :P Sorry for rambling, btw. He certainly is a creep, that’s for sure… The way he was talking about Ariana made me shiver, ugh. I have to disagree with Kayla, though. He should be left alive, because in my opinion life imprisonment is much worse than death… Gosh, I’m sadistic XD

The end scene with the boat was cute, though. The ominous vibes are increasing though… I’m getting very edgy, I know something is coming… XD

This chapter was very good. I’m very interested where Aedain and Leif’s alliance of sorts… I found their interaction in the chapter funny, for some reason… I don’t know, but I’m interested to see more :3 I liked May’s defiance at the end, too. I really like her spirit and courage, hopefully she continues to make those soldiers annoyed, when she wakes up, at least :P

“He wondered why did Karhadonian soldiers kidnap civilians, what purpose was in this madness.” This sentence is a bit strangely worded. It should be something like “He wondered why did the Karhadonian soldiers kidnap civilians, what purpose was in this madness?”

“Cry? This woman never cries” That instead of this.

I found it a bit strange how the doctor was telling Kayla about Ariana’s treatment, when she wasn’t even there. I mean, at first he was hesitant but then after finding out Kayla was her girlfriend he just told her everything… She could have been lying XD As he said he could get into a lot of trouble for doing that, as doctors have to keep the information confidential, and he seemed to give it up almost too easily. I would have expected him to at least confirm that Kayla was who she said she was. Anyway, aside from that complaint, this chapter was great. Very emotional, and the things that happened to Ariana were far worse than I’d imagined :( Once again I’m getting the feeling that something very bad is about to happen…

I liked your description of the battle at the start. It was rather gory, but I like that… I think your portrayal of war is quite realistic, it seemed very believable. Especially the part where the soldiers weren't quite sure who they were killing when they're all covered in blood :P Once again I find all the different kingdoms confusing, but that might just be me XD I can remember Farn and Karhadon, but the others… I still feel sorry for Royse about his son, but at the same time I think he’s an idiot. Surely he should know that Zhawn is not to be trusted! XD I hope Duke Thoen and the others can stop him before it’s too late…

Carey’s the sort of person who when she’s angry blurts out whatever’s on her mind. If she really wants to escape she’ll need to learn to stop doing that ;)

As for Janelle and Sam trusting Marvin, that is expanded on more in the next chapter. In this one Janelle was really just very excited their mission was going somewhere so she was more trusting than she probably should have been. As for Sam’s backstory, there are little hints here and there but it’s quite a while until all is revealed… ;)

As for how the Gifted got their name, it’s a secret. But yeah, the Gifted are pretty egotistical :P Essentially what I wanted to show with this chapter is that the Gifted are really just human, underneath. They do, as 256 does, genuinely believe that what they’re doing is right. So I’m glad that seemed to resonate in this chapter…

 And it’s good that you like him. He’s the main male character, after all, so it would kinda suck if you didn’t ;)

Yes, that was a GOT reference. And it worked, because winter actually is coming in the story at this point :P The opportunity was too much to resist… XD Haha, she does have bad timing… It’s all 256’s fault, really. Later he explains that he actually got lost and that’s why he arrived late… If he hadn’t she may never have been caught ;) As for Janelle and Sam, they're not exactly the most experienced of rebellors. They, like Carey, are really just ordinary villagers except with some vendetta and fighting skills at this point :3 Particularly Janelle.

Thanks for the comment! :) Hehe, most of the time I get people telling me this story is like Divergent (which I hadn’t read at the time… I’ve read it now and I disagree! But I can’t tell if I’m just being resistant… XD). Hehe. And yes, feel free to call her Sam ;)

Oh, Aedain’s definitely got a thing for May... If it wasn’t obvious before, it is now ;) I feel kind of sorry for him, as it would definitely take a lot (and I mean a LOT) for her to like him back. Poor guy. I feel bad for him, but at the same time he kind of deserves it.

I liked the conversation with Herdis and the others. I wonder what May will do now that she has a part in the starting of this war (well, it was Aedain, but she probably thinks some of the fault is her own).

Oh no, the ending… I wonder who it was that made Leif scared for May’s life. I guess she’s about to find herself in a lot more trouble… XD I think perhaps they are all about to be captured and used as souls for Zhawn to do whatever it is he’s planning to do. That could explain why they only let a certain number through at a time.

Errors:

“The incredibly heavy iron door was wide opened”. Open instead of opened.

“he looked quite innocent for a man who didn’t even wink before killing people.” Blink instead of wink.

Thanks for reading so many chapters! I will try to get to your story hopefully later today, but I have a lot of study to do… But then, I am an avid procrastinator ;)

I was kind of hesitant over whether to include the suicide stuff, because it’s such a touchy subject… But it made sense to have it, so I did. I’m not sure if I pulled it off okay though, so I may take it out or at least downplay it when I get to rewriting.

Well, 805 was angry at him (at least, for getting himself beaten up) but he was more worried, I suppose, which is why he was rather affectionate :P I probably should have made him a little angrier ;) I have lots of fun writing about 256 and 805 because they’re very similar, but at the same time they’re also very different… Anyway, as for the whole "805 is his dad" thing, biology may not play a part in it (or maybe it does, who knows XD).

Well, even if he is a traitor/something else he is still a person, with his own motivations for doing things… I don’t really believe in “good guys” and “bad guys” because I think there are very few people who are that simple ;) So he is quite suspicious, but at the same time he has certain motivations for everything he does :P

As for the invisibility thing, it’s just something that bugs me about the whole power in general. Because they never really explain how the invisible person is able to pull of these amazing feats when they have no idea where their body is… I mean, with practice sure you’d probably get used to it, like if someone was blind I'm sure with some practice they could fight quite well, but at the beginning you’d have no chance ;)

Hehe, you have no idea how long I was looking forward to writing this chapter… I’m glad it was exciting. I’m also glad that you think Wesley’s actions were justified. I thought some people might have a case of “protagonist centred morality” and dislike him because of that (even though 256 knows he deserves it…).

Gosh, 805 certainly has a lot of secret children :P First Samantha, now 256… Well, if he does have a kid it would be only one of them (or neither of them).

I’m glad you got that it was Carey’s brother. I was worried people would forget about him :P And her number is 3349, so you were close ;) I’m gonna change it anyway, so it probably doesn’t matter. And 805 is very, very lucky she didn’t hear… Unlike 256, if she told the Council they might actually listen to her :P As for Reagan, well I can’t say much ;)

Haha, at the moment 256 is really more of an observer… I mean, for Carey she’s supposed to be an observer, an outsider, but for him… It’s been bugging me a lot when I’ve been writing these chapters, but he’s just not in a position where he has much influence on the plot :P The rebels couldn’t care less about him, TBH XD I suppose you could say this is 805’s “arc” of the story… At about chapter 32 (which I see you’ve read past) his role diminishes a bit.

I wonder how Shay will act as a leader from now on when one of them has been killed. I’m glad they took her body with them, it was heart-warming. Sorry, I’m a very emotional person, if you haven’t figured that out yet XD

I’m fearing for Carson’s safety right now. I think either he or Marena will die at some point in the story, as either of their deaths would have a profound effect on Shay. At the moment my bet’s on him, because, well… The minute anyone says “I love you” in a story like this, they’re doomed! xD At least, that’s what always seems to happen, who knows you could surprise me :3 Anyway, the scene between them was sweet, appropriate for the situation but depressing at the same time. Before I wasn’t really that convinced that they actually liked each other, but this chapter has pretty much cleared that up.

It’s funny, when reading the last chapter I was really pissed off at Laylia but now I can’t help but feel sorry for her. I guess that means you must be a great writer ;) I found her reaction to Jaycee’s death and realising what she’d done very sad and realistic. I wonder how she'll act now that she essentially got her friend killed...

I liked the reactions of the other group members as well, even though none of them knew Jaycee well she is one of their group, and so her death means a lot to them… I think it shows their humanity in a way.

I think you did a really good job of expanding a little on Jaycee’s character before her death. I mean, she hasn’t really played that large a role in the story, but it was nice to get a bit of a feel of her character before she died. I felt really bad for her. It’s a good way of making us see her death through Shay’s eyes – she didn’t really know this girl, as the readers don’t, but no doubt her death will have an effect on her anyway.

Laylia sure is an idiot. Still, I’m curious to see what effect this will have on her, as she essentially got Jaycee killed. And the sad thing is, people like her really do exist O.o Still, I’m glad someone died. There was only so long they could go with just good luck, after all ;)

Firstly, your descriptions are amazing :) You’ve created a very vibrant world, I could picture it very easily in my mind. I think this chapter also did a good job of introducing the characters and their background. I really like the relationship Rory and Aveya have. Close sibling relationships are one of my favourite types of relationships, and I think you portrayed it very well. You also did a good job of building up the mystery and keeping the tension high in the last part of the chapter. I wonder why their sister disappeared… Perhaps this creepy man had something to do with it.

Okay, there’s definitely something up with this Carrier business. If I wasn’t certain before, I definitely am now :P Not only do eight out of nine of the originals become Carriers, now Axel, who they knew before, is also a Carrier? That’s way too coincidental… I’m really looking forward to finding out more about how this virus works and what makes someone more susceptible to becoming a Carrier instead of just being infected. Or immune, for that matter.

I liked how Axel reacted to seeing what Shay and the others had done. It’s a good way to emphasize how much the group has changed (especially Shay) and also provides a bit of perspective on how the “ordinary people” would feel about the group of Carriers. Even though they’re fighting for their lives, people will still see what they’re doing and automatically assume they’re killers at heart. As I said before, I find psychology and stuff really interesting, so all these conflicting morals are very satisfying for me :3

Originally when I wrote this story there was no prologue. I added it in specifically because people commented that there wasn’t enough about Michael. I was going to write it from Jake’s POV, but the rest of the story is from Jake’s so I thought why not write it from his brother’s POV? XD So yeah, Jake isn’t really the focus of this chapter… He will be in the future though, I promise :) Thanks for commenting!

Ah, teenagers. Getting into bar fights in the most inconvenient of situations :P I was internally face palming for most of that bit, but it was good. Emotions were running high, and it seems like the impulsive thing a teenager would do ;)

  Also, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but your descriptions are amazing. Shay’s dream was really, really good, I shivered while reading it. I really like how you’ve portrayed her reaction to the whole situation. Her fears and doubt seem very realistic to me, although I can’t say I’ve ever been in a situation like it XD I’m getting ominous vibes though, I have a fear the Carriers may suffer their first loss very soon…

Interesting, so Nesrin and the others were humans originally… I have a feeling Nesrin is going to defect to the “good guys” at some point. Or rather, I hope she does, because she’s cool (sorry again with the puns) and she’d be an interesting ally…

My guess is that Zhawn is using the souls to help himself gain lots of power, or something… But then they said it didn’t work for demons, and he’s a demon. But maybe there’s a different mechanism or something. Anyway I think he survived using a large number of souls, either that or someone revived him but he has to collect lots of souls in return to repay his debt… I have lots of ideas at the moment, honestly ;) Still, he’s a creep. That poor baby…

It was cute when Baltar wanted to protect Erik… I like him, he has a heart. It’s sad that he thinks Aedain is dead, but I don’t think he’ll find out his fate for a while.

Gosh, I’m worried for Hailey… Perhaps the next time May sees her, she won’t recognise her. I wonder what powers she’ll get, if they do go ahead and transform her...

Oh, so Aedain’s lost the use of his left arm… That’s an interesting development, even if it’s only temporary (but who knows, maybe it will be permanent…). I guess it will depend on the extent of his healing abilities – maybe there are some injuries that even demons can’t fully recover from. Poor guy, everything’s just going wrong for him lately XD

Anyway, I liked the bit where he was thinking of how he respected May… It’s a good sign of his character development, and maybe he’ll begin to realise humans aren’t all that bad.  I sense a bit of (hopefully, for me anyway XD) unrequited love on the horizon… I’d still rather their relationship remain platonic (at least, from May’s POV) but I am beginning to warm up to the idea if that is what you’re intending… XD Sorry, I know I’m not really a normal girl about this sort of thing :P

Errors:

“Thinking of exhausting, May began to feel the fatigue”. This sentence is a bit confusing. I think it might sound better if it was something like: “Speaking of exhausting, May began to feel fatigued”.

I think it was a good idea to have Hailey be captured by Zhawn – it just gives May another extra bit of motivation ;) There was lots of interesting information in this chapter, I think it did a good job of shedding some more light on Aedain’s character. I feel sorry for him. After all, his father was a nice guy, kind to humans, and look where that got him… I don’t blame Aedain for hating humans as much as he does, but I hope he realises there are good humans as well as bad ones. I think it’ll be a while before he does, though, if he even does at all ;) I’m also curious about Zhawn’s rebellion… I hope we get more info on his motivations soon :P

Errors:

“May gritted her teeth, noticing that due the daydreaming she slowed down and made a decision to focus on getting to her sister rather than on her worries.” It should be “due to daydreaming”

Heh, overthrowing the old government is just the first step in a successful revolution ;) That’s why a lot of them fail, honestly. The only thing the revolutionists have in common is that they just want to overthrow the current king/regime/whatever, so then the citizens just end up worse off as they argue what to do next... Anarchy is not a good thing, no matter what a dumb famous movie I watched a few months ago thought…

I was afraid there was too much dialogue in this chapter, but it was necessary so I’m glad the stuff in it was interesting! :)

I remember wondering what happened to Maryann’s father, so I’m glad his fate was shown in this chapter. Poor guy XD Celia seems like an interesting addition to the characters, I wonder what sort of trouble she will stir for Maryann… XD I'm sure they will cross paths at some point.

Grammar/writing stuff:

“Her fingers wrapping around the dome and picking him up as she did so.” The “and” is unnecessary, plus the tenses are a bit weird. It should be something like “Her fingers wrapped around the dome, picking him up as she did so.”

“How dare she thought that a mere pile of rocks can hold back my might army” Think instead of thought, as the sentence is in past tense.

I liked this chapter a lot. It was another ‘quiet’, less actiony chapter, but there was lots of interesting plot developments. I remember wondering why so many of them survived back at the beginning, so I’m happy that there will be a reason behind it… At first I thought they might’ve been given a different strain of the virus, or something, but then they’d pass on that strain so that couldn’t really work… XD Anyway, I’m curious to find out. I wonder what Marena’s theory is, I hope it will be revealed soon... But I have a feeling you might drag it out for a while for the supense XD Oh well, that'll make it even more exciting when we do find out :3

Still, although some of the fault is their own, mucking around on a field trip doesn't really equate to being made the carriers for an apocalyptic virus and being hunted down by everyone for something they didn't mean to be involved in :P

This was a really good chapter. It was a nice, quiet break from the action heavy previous ones, plus it had some good humour in it (Katrina is very funny :P)

I really liked what Shay wrote, too. It’s very upsetting that they’re being made scapegoats for this whole dilemma, even though they were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sadly I don’t think the rest of the world will ever realise this, so they’ll just have to keep fighting ;)

I like how Katrina is playing a more important role. She seems like an interesting character and I’m looking forward to seeing more of her ;) After all, it can’t just be Shay, Marena and Carson getting all the action.

Also something random, but I really like stories with lots of conflicting morals and inner turmoil, so this chapter made me happy. I don’t know why, but there’s just something fascinating about the way people’s minds work. Like how in this story, people think “oh, I’ll never kill anyone” or “I’ll never steal” but then they have to for survival… It’s interesting how quickly things can change given the circumstances. Sorry, I’m a bit of a nerd XD Feel free to ignore my random musings.

An error I noticed: “Katrina replied, hissing out the final three words as if she was bitter towards his decision to do so.” I think it’s meant to be “her decision”?

I like Rudi. I’m not big a fan of talking animal characters, but as this is a story based off Alice in Wonderland I’ll make an exception ;) Plus, she’s resourceful and smart, which helps. Her battle with the snake was very well written, I was on the edge of my seat reading it :) I’m so afraid for her, I hope she’s okay. Hopefully her kidnapper doesn’t hurt her… :(

Grammar/writing stuff:

“Now at the entrance of the camp. she turned to look at it.” There should be a comma instead of a full stop after camp.

“The stream was moving pretty fast, for she spotted leaves that went down the stream pretty fast.” This is a bit repetitive. Personally I’d find another way to say the leaves were moving fast in the second part of the sentence.

Overall, your grammar improved greatly with this chapter, so well done :) I was very impressed.

Heh, Samantha is probably one of the characters that has changed the most over this story so far XD I’m glad she’s relatable.

Something random, but I like how Katrina actually ran out of bullets instead of having bottomless guns like in a lot of action movies :P Anyway, now I see what you meant about the truck… It was clear in this chapter. So they were trying to get a new one, not get the old one back (I’d completely forgotten they crashed it).

I think I might have mentioned this before, but I find some of the fights with the cops a little too easy. I mean, they’re really well written and exciting, but I just find it strange how they managed to kill/injure them all in this chapter without even one of them getting shot. I know they might be hesitant to shoot kids, but after they’ve knocked off a couple of them you’d think the cops would be a little more… Well, you’d think they’d actually manage to shoot at least one of them, even if it isn’t fatal :P

I thought they had the truck with them, though. I mean, Shay was sleeping in it, wasn't she? Or is there another one that I forgot about? :P It has been a long time since I read this, so I might be forgetting something...

I really like the short, direct sentences you used. As someone who’s sentences are often very long and weird, it was impressive to see :P I can’t say much about the plot yet, honestly I’m a little confused, but I think that was intended. Overall you built up the mystery and caught my attention, which was good.

This is really, really, really picky, but the way you construct your dialogue is a little wrong.

 “You’re pretty heavy, even though you look slim.” She chuckled. “I had to haul you out of that mess.”

 There should be a comma after slim, not a full stop, and ‘she’ should not be capitalized. I think it flows better that way. Sorry again, but it bugged me XD

Nesrin is so cool!!!! (excuse the bad pun).

This was definitely one of the more intriguing chapters. Who is this mysterious “Him”? Nesrin’s homeland sounds like a creepy place. I wonder what these souls are for. This is really reminding me of FMA at the moment, so my main theory of what they’re being used for relates to that… I won’t say until I get some more info :P

Errors:

“Both gave Nesrin the identical mocking smirks.” It should be “both gave Nesrin identical mocking smirks”

May and Aedain’s interactions were very funny in this chapter, good job with them ;) I’m looking forward to seeing how they attempt to get along… It’s going to be interesting, that’s for sure.

I really liked May in this chapter, she knows just how to manipulate him when she called him a coward and crushed his pride. Way to hit Aedain’s sore spot there :P And telling him about the spear was good too. Anyway, with May’s brains and Aedain’s strength, they are sure to make a good team (although I doubt either of them will be happy about that :P)

Errors:

“Apparently, the enemy of the deceased King Kaellach took too much pleasure in genocide than he should” I think it would be better to say “took much more pleasure”

Thanks for pointing out the errors. I remember I wrote this story at two in the morning, so my editing skills weren't the best at the time... :P

Thanks for the comment! Heh, he hasn't realised he's dead yet, which is why he acts to humanish... :P

I don’t know why things like that bother me, honestly XD I should’ve just stuck with minor characters having four digit names, but somewhere in my statistics obsessed brain I decided it was better for her to have one too. Oh well, I’ll change it later :3 Even I can’t remember her number sometimes, I get to a part where I’m supposed to write it and I’m like, wait what was hers? XD She won’t be allowed to join the “thirteen club”, though :3 I don’t know if you noticed (I wouldn't expect anyone to :P) but all of the Gifted characters (except 440) have numbers with digits that add up to thirteen (even Carey did when her number was 355).

Sorry for not commenting on this story for ages, I must admit I forgot about it :P It didn’t take me long to remember what had happened, so that was good.

Shay’s dream was really well written, good job :) Your descriptions were really good, and it was a good way of showing her fears and insecurities over what could happen to them.

I really liked the part from Marena’s point of view. It was interesting to read, I hope she has more in the future ;) She’s really cool. At the moment, I can’t decide if I like her or Shay more, so they are my tied favourite characters :3 I found their plan a little illogical, though – if they planned to blow up the building, wouldn’t that just draw more attention to themselves? I was a little confused about that part, honestly :P I’m not sure if I understood it correctly.

Oh, and an error I noticed: “she beginning to space out from tiredness” began instead of beginning.

Heh, I broke my three number rule with her… I thought it was weird all the Gifted characters (the important ones, at least) had 3 digits for their numbers (I did that because they’re easy to read and say). As there’s so many of them and logically they should have higher ones, so I decided to give her a four digit number… But I think I made a mistake, when I do some rewriting later I’ll change hers to a three digit one like the rest of them XD Anyway, she's supposed to be a representation of what "normal" Gifted are like, as the other Gifted characters (256, 805 and 440) are all weird in their own way :P Sadly, ruthlessness and heartlessness often come naturally when people are raised to believe they're superior than everyone else.

And hey, what if 805 is secretly a woman and is actually her mum? Did you ever consider that?

............... Sorry, I have a strange sense of humour… XD Sometimes I think I should just shut up :P

 

Aw, it’s really cute how Ariana has stopped being as afraid of the dark. I think that was a really good way of showing how Kayla has changed her. She’s a very kind person, wanting to help all these people she doesn’t know. I fear her generosity may get her into trouble someday.

Oooo, some more info about Ariana’s past. I can tell the next chapter is going to be very informative, but now I’m almost scared to find out. Whatever happened exactly, it’s probably much worse than what I’m thinking (and what I’m thinking is pretty bad).

An error I noticed:

“She looked into the long mirror hung above the sinks. She looked almost as bad as she felt.” Well, it’s not really an error, but personally I find it repetitious and would change the “she looked” part in the second sentence to something else. Sorry, I’m picky XD

No, May, no! Don’t give the creepy fire dude the spear! Even though I was face palming when this happened, it is good for her to make mistakes like this, as it shows that she’s human and therefore not perfect.

Hah, I knew he wasn’t dead XD I’m doing a happy dance right now. I’m happy May decided to keep him alive, even though he hasn’t been the nicest to her XD She has a good heart, and she’s smart too. I have a feeling these are going to form “the most unlikely alliance”, if the title of the next chapter is anything to go by ;)

Errors:

“With a huge gush from his right shoulder all the way to his left hip it was a miracle Aedain was still alive.” Gash instead of gush

“All right, the most work was done.” This would be better as “All right, most of the work was done.”

So the spear has been found! I guess it was hidden in the modern world after all ;) It’s kind of sad that the spear has to be returned to the Callesmere Empire, where Zhawn is sure to get his hands on it at some point. Overall this was a very well-written chapter, your descriptions were amazing as usual and the plot just keeps getting better :)

And May is returning… The end with her sister was very emotional, well done. I really like Hailey, although she doesn’t appear much. She isn’t the stereotypical “favoured little sister” she has more personality than that :P There is definitely something fishy about those mirrors. It just can’t be a coincidence that May ended up falling through.

Errors:

“She touched the chain again, but the artifact shocked her again, this time it was even more painfully.” It should be something like “she touched the chain again, bit the artefact shocked her again and this time it was even more painful.”

I think saying he's clueless is a bit generous for him, honestly XD To him, girls are almost like an alien species ;) Thanks for reading! :)

Jake is definitely much less shy than he used to be ;) He’s beginning to evolve from being “shy to everyone” to only “shy to everyone he doesn’t know” :P

Heh, I always enjoy writing 805’s action scenes :P And Samantha’s as well, actually, because those two are the most ruthless characters, I think, so they will kill a lot more freely… I think Samantha has a higher kill count than most of the other characters combined, but 805 is beginning to catch up to her (at least, in terms of onscreen deaths. In his whole lifetime he's probably killed way more than she has) :3 Sorry for rambling, btw.

Comment for the second version of chapter seven:

This was much better :) Firstly, I loved your descriptions of the battle. I have a strange liking for gore, so I enjoyed reading it. I liked how they weren’t as successful as before, it adds some realism to the story. It was good that Maryann was upset, as it really shows how human she is even though she projects the image of a leader. Jude was also a much more convincing blind guy :P

Grammar/Writing stuff:

In the opening paragraph you used Luke’s name too many times. It would flow better if you used “he” after the first time. Also, in some of the descriptions you use the same word for something too many times in a single paragraph. For example, the word sword – I’d vary this by occasionally referring to it as a blade, weapon, etc.

Ah, underestimating your opponents can get you into serious trouble, I'm afraid. Aedain has too much pride, that's his problem XD At the moment, I'm leaning towards a "Aedain isn't really dead/will be revived" theory. It could be a "showing how badass Zhawn is by killing another badass character" thing, but he was injured, so... Surely he's got to have a decent fight with Zhawn first XD Therefore, I doubt he is dead, or at least he won't stay dead for long. This is a fantasy, after all. Anything can happen ;)

The action scenes were really well written and exciting. I must admit there was a tear in my eye when Aedain stopped them from hurting Baltar (I'm a sap when it comes to things like that XD). It's nice to see that he does truly care for him, even if he finds him annoying sometimes.

Zhawn's appearance is creepy, he reminds me of Shishio from Rurouni Kenshin, although he was covered in bandages. I wonder how he managed to survive.

  Oh no, Lavena said that the portal cannot be opened without the key, but what if May somehow manages to open it from the other side? That could bring it back into the Callesmere empire and then Aedain/Zhawn will be able to get the spear. So it’s hidden in our world, that’s interesting. I suppose no one would ever think of looking for it there.

Does Zhawn have a group of elementally powered minions? :P First ice, now fire... I wonder what else his minions have. I must admit I’m not a fan of the “single-minded twin villains” but still I’m looking forward to their fight. I can’t help it, as a twin I’m biased to dislike them :P Aedain’s definitely underestimating them, I think. He should really be more cautious, especially when he’s injured. I have a feeling he will have a hard time defeating these two ;)

Hailey and May’s reunion was really sweet. Even though they’re not the closest of sisters (at least, they didn’t seem to be in the first chapter :P) in this one you could tell they love each other very much. I’m all emotional now (close sibling/family relationships are like my favourite kind :P). Anyway, I liked May's reactions to appearing in her world again, how she felt a little like an outsider, as she’s changed but nothing else has.

So, Maewyn’s dead. I have to admit, I didn’t expect that. To be honest, I haven't really given her much thought since the earlier chapters :P It makes sense, though, the poor girl was trapped in this world with no knowledge of technology, no wonder she got herself hit by a truck. I feel so sorry for May’s parents :( This definitely complicates things for May, now she can never really live in her world unless they somehow find out about what happened (and believe her, which is another thing altogether). I guess she has to go back, really.

Errors:

“it was the first time from a really long time since she was bathing in hot water.” In instead of from.

“So, how was on the other side?” It should be “So, how was it on the other side”

Realistically I highly doubt their battle could have no casualties. I mean, they’re rebels versing trained soldiers, surely at least some would die. Considering the people they’re versing must have some sort of training if they’re the Queen’s soldiers, they should be a lot harder to kill. I can understand Maryann killing them, as she seems to have had some sort of training, but the other villagers, escaped prisoners, etc. etc. would struggle. So the outcome seems a little far-fetched to me. How big was this battle, exactly? It’s early in the story still, but at a the moment I feel their rebellion is going a little too well. I mean, Maryann’s already a competent leader, they seem to be ninjas in combat (sorry, I have weird expressions for things :P) that’s quite a lot in a short time. I’d like to see a little more struggle and build up, as I think the realism this would bring adds to a story and makes the events believable. Right now I just find it too farfetched.

Maryann’s nightmare was very enlightening. It’s strange how the Queen suddenly turned like that, the poor girl must’ve been terrified.

I like Jude, I look forward to seeing what role he plays in the future ;) As a biology nerd, I must point something out. For a blind guy he doesn’t act very… blind XD He doesn’t seem to have trouble finding things, like how he seemed to know where Maryann was even though he didn’t have anyone leading him or a cane or something to show him the way. And you describe him as looking at her through his foggy eyes, if you’re blind you wouldn’t be able to tell exactly where someone is (well, you could hear them, but that doesn’t show them exactly where their eyes/face are, so why they may look in someone’s general direction often their eyes would be unfocussed). Speaking of, I wonder how he got blinded. Was he born blind or did something make him that way?

Sorry I’m complaining a lot, by the way. I’m very tired today XD

Grammar/Writing Stuff:

 ‘ "Well it's not fun to be a target of anything, but I was lucky that Maryann had my back. You looked pretty good out there yourself,"he commented with a lopsided smile. "A natural with a sword I must say," he chuckled.’ It sounds a bit weird when there’s two dialogue tags in the same sentence. The “he chuckled” on the end is unnecessary.    

Also, sometimes you mix up words, like moat/mote in the other chapter. In this one I noticed you spelt it “chain male” instead of “chainmail”. It can be tricky, as they sound the same, but the meaning is very different so it’s important to get it right :P

I had to admit, I didn’t expect that. I thought Scarlet would be hiding somewhere in wonderland, not in the modern world :P It’s a good idea though, Alice can’t find her there ;) Maybe Maryann will travel to our world to find her, that would be interesting. That’s my theory, anyway.

Grammar/Writing Stuff:

“She responded with a very light chuckle of humor” There’s nothing wrong with this, exactly, but adding “of humor” at the end seems a bit redundant, as chuckles are usually done out of laughter :P If it was an evil chuckle, yeah I might write more to indicate it, but when it’s like this it seems unnecessary. Sorry, I’m really picky :P

Your grammar has really improved since the first chapter, there are still a few instances where you switch between tenses and a couple of weirdly worded sentences, but otherwise it’s improved a lot :)

Your descriptions of May going through the mirror were great, and the threat of Aedain getting inside really kept the tension high :P Lavena is a cunning woman, without that pendant both Aedain and Zhawn can’t find the spear. I hadn’t really thought about that (about May’s presence in the world being a danger). I highly doubt she knows how to make anything that could be a threat, but I suppose Lavena doesn’t know that for sure ;) Anyway, this is an interesting turn of events. I wonder what will make May want to return to the world (or what will make her return, if she doesn’t have a choice :P)

Errors:

“blood was sipping from her injured shoulder” seeping instead of sipping.

“She failed the Erik.” Something like “She had failed Erik” would be better.

I like the confidence Maryann has, when she spoke to the villagers. She has the makings of a great leader. I found it strange when the guard called the Queen “your viciousness” I would’ve thought she’d have punished him for calling him that. But she is crazy, so… XD At the moment I predict that Maryann and her group will try and find Queen Scarlet and get her to help them overthrow the queen.

Grammar/writing stuff:

Again, there was few times in this chapter where you slipped into first person. If these are supposed to be thoughts it’s better to put them in italics or something else to distinguish them from the narrative.

Also, you should create a new paragraph when you shift point of views. There was one point where it switched from Maryann’s group deciding on a name straight to the knights telling the queen what had happened with her daughter. Also the part that was her dream, it would be better to start a new paragraph because it can get very confusing.

“His name was Lewis, and he is the new Captain of the Guard” You need to be careful with your tenses. The “is” in the second half of the sentence should be “was” as well. Throughout the story you keep switching between past and present tense, it’s best to stick to one (at least, in the narrative. You can be more varied in thoughts and dialogue).