Sparkatale

I love your descriptions! They were wonderful, and they gave you a good sense of the surroundings. And your names are very unique, for both the people and the town!

Your prologue was written very well, and I enjoyed it! You captured me with your words and your world’s history, and I can tell that this is going to be a story that I will love, even though I’ve only read the prologue. Your ending sentence sent a shiver down my spine. I’m worried about what will happen to the town – or, I guess what had happened…

I hope this mood you’ve set will continue on throughout the story! I’ve always been fond of tales that are slightly dark and tragic, like this one seems to be so far.

Oh, though, be careful when you say ‘towards’. I almost all of the published books I’ve read, they always drop the ‘s’. I know this sounds kind of stupid, but it’s more professional if you leave off that s at the end. Unless you’re saying it in dialogue, then you can leave the s on, because nobody has perfect grammar when they speak.

Well… here’s a small mistake I saw while reading the prologue. :)

“I was here before, I know all the answers for the questions you wished to ask me during the entire voyage.” – Between before and I, where the comma is, it should be either a dash or a semicolon.

Anyways, I really like this so far! Hopefully I’ll get the time to review more than once or twice a week… It’ll be sad if I can’t. You won’t get critiques, and I won’t be able to read an awesome story. School, please don’t block SparkaTale! 

Yes, may your school and my work stay out of sabotaging our critiqe exchange.

I'm glad you liked the prologue, it's a recent addition to the story. I honestly had no idea about the word towards. Well, we learn new things every day. Thank you for spotting the mistakes for me - I'm working on it, but my English is till quite rusty.

The start of chapter one was perhaps a tad bland, but overall the mother's personality really brought me in. She reminds me a bit of my own mom, so it was a nice connection to the characters.

There were a few areas where you forgot a necessary 'the'. Not super important to know about, but it would definitely make a couple of your sentence's flow better. By the way, I love your descriptions! I think I mentioned that before, but I can't quite remember. The way you write them is beautiful and smoothe, and it's very easy to get the picture of your characters and their personality. Although a lot of people would say that this chapter has perhaps too much description in it, I feel that it fits your writing style and that having so much in there really adds on to your work.

Ooh, I really liked that part with the mirror! I wonder where her father found such a strange thing. It's unique, what had happened. I can't believe Hailey was right about it! Or, at least, I think she was. Tehe, what if the description was wrong, and it just messed with their hair. That'd be something worth comedy, but I have a feeling that this is going to be a more serious type story.

Hm. I like how you wrote out the Lady's POV and her discovery of the mirror. It was nice to see a little bit of what May has to look for in the near future!

This was a good first chapter, and the ending was terrific. I like how quickly you brought the plot into the story, and I hope this fast pace continues. It really makes the story enjoyable, and I can't wait to find out what happens in the next chapter!  

Thank you for the kind comment. I wonder if I should switch the chapter 1 and chapter 2 places.

Alright, a few things before we begin-

I'm not going to be able to offer you the best critique on plot here as I don't read fantasy, so forgive me on that. I'm also not the biggest fan of the genre, but that is by no means saying I won't like the story. I don't have an accurate enough impression yet from the prologue to say I do or don't, but I think I'm leaning towards the first.

It's just a short prologue so I can't say much, but the ending certainly shocked me. I was thought wait, he's a bad guy? Anyways, off to read the first chapter.

That was a good start, a little long, but good. The characters were fleshed out pretty well and the descriptions and flow are nice and smooth. Poor May, you really feel for her about the whole struggle with her sister, although their relationship felt very real when arguing.

As for the mirror, I like it. It's a classic cliche that's tweaked just enough so it's not cliche anymore. After May passed out I figured it was the end of it with some great cliffhanger, but I soon realized someone else is going to be effected by this mirror as well. This might just be me, but I have a feeling that the similarity in name between May and Maeywn isn't a coincidence. Overall good start and I'm looking forward to reading more.

"This has got to be some joke, she thought and waddled over to the mirror." I don't know why, and even after you described how the dress was uncomfortable on May I imagined her walking like a penguin. This is awful childish of me but I couldn't help it. xP

Before I go on, I don't know why but I loved the touch of the stars. It's a very subtle way of telling the reader that we, as well as May, have been transported not just back in time, but to another world. May's reaction to it felt very human like and real. Most people would have behaved the same, finding any way possible to confirm it was a dream when it wasn't.

After a chapter than spent most of it's time painting beautiful pictures of the new world May's stuck in and her desperation and fear, the ending felt like "Well, that escalated quickly." It's good, though- a nice lead in to the next chapter, which I'm starting to notice you have a nack for doing.

One other thing I must applaud you on is the lack of in-depth details about every little thing of the world you built as you see often in fantasy stories. Words can't even describe how happy I am about this, it's the main reason why I don't dig fantasy. I don't have any problem if you sprinke in descriptions here and there, but as long as you don't dump it on me all at once I will be very pleased. Keep up the good work!

Thanks for the reviews. I recently re-wrote the first two chapters so I'm especially happy that you noticed the things I waned people to notice.

Sorry it took so long, I haven't been home all day.

Alright, now on to the review. I like how she played them for having a concussion that deducted her memory to explain her lack of knowledge about the situation- it felt very real and something I think most people would do. Now, for the critique-

You seem to say May an awful lot, but it's not exactly a bad thing, but "May thought, May said, May did" might start to sound repetitive after a while. I once read somewhere that unless the occasion of two characters conversing you only want to use their names 3-4 times per page, instead replacing with "he" or "she." That's personally the only critique I have to offer you right now, but that's good- there's not much to pick apart in this story, which isn't a bad thing at all. It shows you have a good piece of work here.

Also, the touch at the end with Maewyn in May's body was a nice touch... Certainly promising. Will there be an entire chapter from just her POV?

Thanks for spotting importants stuff!

As for Maewyn (warning, SPOILERS) nearly 100% of the readers expect the story to progess the way along the pattern: adventures of the girl in a medieval world versus adventures of the girl in the modern world. So, Maewyn won't make an entrace. Anyway, her POV would be very brief and would spoil the major surprise which awaits May once she manages to return home.

Really sorry it's taking so long to return all the reviews, this week has ended up being a lot more hectic than I planned it to be.

Although short, I felt like this didn't have much really to do with the plot, which is my only tiny critique over this chapter. When they mentioned the child I assumed they were talking about May, but when they said he I was thrown off. It makes sense though, adding another dosage of mystery into the plot. So really there isn't even a valid thing to stress over there. ^^

The descriptions and flow of words were yet again beautifully done. That poor falcon man thing. Not sure what it's called, although I'm sure you will explain that later. Another good chapter, sorry it's taking so long to get back to you. Should free up tomorrow.

Your update of 20 something chapters made me feel bad for taking so long to review. So, here's another critique, and I hope to post a second and third soon, to make up for my absence. If the school would actually let me submit stuff on this website, then you might get more comments from me...

Oh, I like the change from chapter 1 to chapter 2. I like your use of emotions in the beginning of this chapter, and the way you described her panic was great. And now that you're putting in some more of your character's thoughts, I've found the read to be quite a bit more likeable than the last chapter! I feel that this story is one that improves the further you go into it, so it's definitely going to be hard to resist to read the rest of the chapters.

Aw, if only May got her wish – for everything to be a TV show and all that.

“If they wanted her to be a Lady, then she would act like one, why not, it’s not like she got to be on a prank show every day.” - This should probably be two separate sentences, with the second one ending with a question mark.

Ohmigosh! What a terrible ending to this chapter! What a surprise to May; it wasn't a show at all... But definitely a good hook, now I really want to read chapter 3! It seems like the plot is moving along well, and I wonder where it's going to lead... Jeez, why didn't I finish the chapter sooner? *shakes head* Ah well, I can read the next chappie now and figure out what's going to happen next.  

Ee! Finally, chapter 3.

Be careful with your use of commas. There are quite a few places where you don’t need them, and where it makes a few of the sentences choppy. Read the sentences out loud, pausing whenever you see a comma. That’s what my mom told me to do to help with pauses and all that grammatical stuff that nobody likes to do, haha.

Aw, the poor Duke, haha. Doesn’t know what’s wrong with his very, very confused daughter.

Have I told you that your descriptions are magnificent? Probably, but I have to bring it up again! The way you described the castle was amazing, and I could tell that it was beautifully structured. You seem to have a good idea of what the middle ages was like, which is nice. A lot of medieval stories that I’ve read prove that that author has no clue what they’re talking about, and I love how you actually know the terms and styles.

“The doctor said, that I should visit places, so the walk will be good for my health.” – I think you’re getting ahead of yourself here. I don’t remember the doctor saying anything of the like; just that praying was all they could do. Maybe you could go back and fix that a little bit. Or, if you’re using the words to confuse Hilda, then maybe you could make the fact more noticeable.

You know, I’ve kind of been wondering. Is there a Medieval version of her oh-so-talented sister? Hm… Sounds like a good thing to figure out. All the mysteries, all the cliffhangers. You won’t ever let me stop reading, will you?

Oh no! The mirror! You better find a good way to get May back.

Ooh, now we’re back at Baltimore… Heh, I wonder how the princess is fairing.

Oh. Well, that certainly answers that little musing. Now Hailey has to deal with being called a simpleton, and with a spoiled princess that isn’t allowed outside of the castle for fear that dirt will get on her dress. I’m not sure who I feel bad for! 

Thank you very much for the wonderful and constructive reviews. You pointed out some stuff I missed. As for comas, they're my nightmare. Unfortunately your mom's advice isn't working as in my language the puntuation is really different than in English, so sometimes I insert the coma where it really should be (only not in the language I'm writing in).

As for your question about the Medieval version of evil sister, (SPOILER ALERT),

I have other plans for the story. I never intended it to make a teen drama with choosing boyfriends and the emotions in the center of attention. It will get messy later on.

Hey, my school computer won't let me view the next chapter. :/ I don't really understand why. It blocks it for profanity... But then, I can get to the other ones just fine. *sigh* I saw your story on FictionPress, do you think I could review that chapter on that site, and then read the rest over here, unless there's another blocked chapter? (Because the school computer likes FP and doesn't block random pages like it does on Sparkatale..)

Chapter 1 - The Prolouge

I loved the beginning! I loved it! I really like science fiction and this I know will keep my interest. I can't wait to read the next chapter. You're good.

Chapter 2

Again, another good chapter. One thing though, I got confused at the beginning, but by the end I was at the edge of my seat. I can already tell this will be a good story.

Chapter 3

Wow, now you've really caught me. I love this story! I would love it if you continued to critique "A New Type of Block" for me. I need your aide.

Opening: for some reason, the repeated use of “eye” and “sea” stuck out at me and somewhat tarnished what was otherwise a poetic chapter.

 “Tell me, Nesrin, where is Kaellach?” he asked, hatred filling his voice as he said the name of the man who was his sworn enemy and who used to be his closest friend.

 You might consider preceding this passage with “spoiler” alert. If not, then consider deleting the second half of the narration. Tone and a brief description should be enough.

 Perhaps consider:

 “Tell me Nesrin, where is Kaellach?” he asked spitefully. 

A good opening, the introduction to the characters is put together well. The flit between points of view (who’s head the reader is in) was natural and not forced. A very intriguing beginning and will definitely have me reading on. 

(Returning review for Bodelia's Anguish) 

xxSxx 

Chapter 5   

This chapter is quite interesting. Your sheading light on how this castle differs from castles in modern day textbooks is quite intriguing. I wonder what happened to the real "lady" of this land?

Chapter 6

Another well written chapter. I see no grammer errors, but I'm loving how the story is progressing.

A very good opening chapter and not what I expected after the prologue, but all good. What mean parents! I really feel for May, being ignored by her family and having to watch her younger sister being the centre of attention. You have some good lines in there that show the relationships around the family. Mean mum, cowering father, brat sister and quiet daughter. At the end you really do have me feeling as though they wouldn’t miss her at all and any life is better than the one she has.

The transition between both sides of the mirror goes well and flow. I can hardly wait to see what May thinks about marrying a lord, once she has woken. I do hope we follow Lady Meawyn as well as May. Looking forward to the next chapter.

Here is a list of little nitpicking that I spotted. It’s by no means meant to be judgmental as I make lots of the same mistakes. I do have one tip. Try reading your work out loud and only read what you have written, it’s very easy to read what you know should be there and not what really is. I get my daughter to read with me, we take it in turns to read out loud, and check for mistakes. Hope you found this helpful.

“I apologize for living” and rushed to collect the package. – Missing comer

May winded, hearing her mother’s furious scream – winded? The word doesn’t seem to fit.

Why did you buy so much antiques! – buy so many - would fit better.

Her gaze slid over her husband and Hailey who was looking like an angel right now to stop on the one person who escaped her attention this morning – you may went to reconsider the punctuation in this bit, it doesn’t flow very well and I had to read it a few times to get it.

as a vision of grim future flashed in her mind – a grim future?

Hailey was the pride and joy of their family, and May was the other one, always second best. – That’s good, short but a very potent point.

Nancy Lawson planted kisses on Hailey’s both cheeks – planted kisses on both of Hailey’s cheeks.

not only it consumed over half of family’s earnings – not only did it consumed over half of family’s earnings

May looked at her sharply and grabbed Hailey’s shoulder when the younger girl was about. About to what?

a week without dinners versus an hour of effort raging in her mind.  - a week without dinners versus an hour of effort, raging in her mind.

The both girls were unpacking – Both the girls?

The weapon was orange from rust, the elaborate decorative pattern was barely visible now. - The weapon was orange from rust; the elaborate, decorative pattern was barely visible now.

She look a look at the other information – took a look?

and looked at the antique looking glass curiously. – My youngest son, when he was about 12 gave me a bit of advice, and it really really works. Try not to use the same verb or noun in a sentence – try this – and peeked at the antique looking glass curiously.  I think that gives the impression May is also a little intrigued by the looking glass.

the same brown hair. The same… only longer. – I feel these should be part of one sentence. - the same brown hair! the same… only longer.

into the unconsciousness  - into unconsciousness

being remembered by the Lady.. – two full stops J

The man to whom she would pledge loyalty and love to since infancy . – If she has been betrothed since childhood then the sentence should read - The man to whom she had pledged her loyalty and love to, since infancy.

anticipating to see the gift – not sure anticipating fits there.

but she was not here - but she was not her?

xXSXx

Thanks for the great review (especially for all the nit-picking).

It seems I managed to get across the message I wanted (May won't missed too much). As for Maewyn, it seems that every single person expects the story to be along the theme "modern girl in middle ages, girl from middle ages in modern world", so the plot won't go that way ;-)

Once again thanks for spotting all the mistakes.

The intrigue of the story seems to delve deeper with each chapter. It didn't surprise me when it was revealed she could speak and read in the native tongue, although I wasn't exactly expecting it either. It felt like a well planned point that's going to matter later on in the story- am I correct?

As for Hilda, she seems rather rude to Maewyn. You did a good job on illustrating how May's personality is different than the girl's who's body she inhabits and how it affects everyone around her. Another good chapter.

A dark magic portal to the other world. I honestly can't help but get a feeling that Maewyn and May were supposed to switch places, as if whoever landed the mirror in their hands wanted it to be so. I'm actually getting pretty in to the mystery of the story at this point- the plot is developing excellently and I quite like May as a character- she's curious, spunky and strong, which I have a feeling she's going to need later on.

Also, I forgot to mention this my last few comments but you really are an amazing writer. The descriptions are excellent, you never fail to create a mental image for the reader. You have a way with words my friend.

“May the demons rip me apart! Damn! I swear, if my father learns of this, he’ll chop my balls off so that I won’t sully my family name!” Sorry, but that made me laugh. You hardly ever hear people swear in fantasy stories, it was a pleasant, humorous surprise.

"Suddenly Levi froze, stopping the interesting display of swear words. He lifted his head and stared at May, his blue eyes wide-opened and jaw slack as he came to the realization." You said that Levi had brown eyes in the previous chapter? Was it a mistake there or here?

That poor little boy. It felt a little cliche, as you come across someone stealing it seems in almost every fantasy story, but it was a ten year old boy and they were beating him. I'm glad May stepped in.

I was under the assumption this chapter would be just a mere filler until I continued to read one. I'll just say that although violence doesn't bother me, the eating of the organs, well, did. It didn't feel... right.. but these are obviously the antagonists we're dealing with here so hopefully May will kick some cannibal ass later on.

Anyways, I found Eren to be quite adorable and likeable and I hope we hear from him more in the story. Hope the bad guys don't find him out in the woods..

Good job on the cliffhanger. It was pretty evil. I would hope you won't kill probably the most innocent character in the story, but... The more he's around in the story the more he grows on me. You've done a good job at creating a cast of likeable protagonists. They've each got different traits and each have a visual in my head, same with the supporting characters and the antagonists.

This chapter did some nice foreshadowing of things to come, and hopefully an action packed chapter to follow.

At least they let him live, although it doesn't seem like he's in much better state.

One thing I need to point out that's been bothering me the last few chapters is how you capitalize words where the characters are yelling them. It's just a personal peeve, but I prefer to use words to show instead of capitalization. I'm not sure why, it just appears kind of juvenile- I'm not calling the story that so don't take it as I'm being rude or insulting your story, because I like it. It's just a little peeve, and as my reviews aren't offering much on constructive crit I figured I'd try. There's not much I can really rag on, though.

This story certainly seems to get darker with each chapter. A second war with demons, them wiping out (and I'm guessing eating entire towns...) that's screwed up, but it's in the makings for an original story with a promise of action. Kinda dissapointed Eren didn't kick demon ass, but oh well, I'm sure it's coming eventually. Keep up the good work.

Chapter Spirited away   

I'm loving this story. Sorry I haven't commented on the other chapters prior, it's jsut so captivating and good. I LOVE IT!

I couldn't help but laugh when she cursed like that in front of Abarran. I'm sure no Lady is supposed to ever speak like that, but especially in front of her fiance. It was a good way to show May doesn't really belong in these times.

The description of the demon was fantastic, quite terrifying. Although I don't think May would care much, I have a feeling Abarran was killed back in the temple, along with the priest. The cliffhanger was brilliant, by the way. I would read and review more if my television show wasn't about to come on. I'll do so afterwords.

Well, she's certainly found herself in a sticky situation. At least Eren is there with her, and thankfully not dead. Once again the descriptions were spot on and didn't get too wordy- the flowed nicely with the story while painting a good mental image.

Otherwise I'd like to know what happened to the people back at the temple. Are they dead? Taken hostage as well? No worse for wear? I'm more concerned with what befalls May and Eren at the camp of the demons, however, and the title of the next chapter doesn't make it look very optimistic. Good work yet again.

The Checkpoint

A very good chapter, I saw a few grammer errors, but good nonetheless.

Another good chapter, but there's a few things I decided I should point out-

Eren's relevation- May didn't seem to have much, if any, reaction to the fact he was a halfbreed. He just seemed to say it and then she didn't even react. I know that if I was her her shoes and this "innocent" little boy just told me his father was a demon I would probably freak out.

actually, this was the only thing I felt like I needed to point out I guess. It angers me how the demons are disrespectful towards May and Eren, and actually, they're just kind of jerks in general. But they are, well, demons. I hope they escape quickly.

Damn, it didn't go as planned. At least he believed her, or so I think, but she possibly could have said she was going at night because she didn't want anyone to watch her. Of course, if she'd said that playing off why Eren was with her would be a little more difficult.

“I only wanted to bath. I was looking for some water, I took Eren for company,” Caught this- you meant bathe, correct? Otherwise I didn't find any errors, but I wasn't looking.

The story was pretty depressing, not sure why someone, even a demon, would tell a ten year old kid that, but I wasn't expecting Aedain to be the son of the king he talked about in his story. If the king was not a demon, then does that make Aedain a halfblood like Eren?

A very good introduction to May being in another ‘place’ I like how she thinks it’s some strange reality show and was expecting someone to jump out and hand her a prize.

The description of the garden and the bed chamber is well written and enjoyable to read. The imagery has the reader walking through the garden with May.

There are a few grammar errors and typos that a re-reading should find. 

More good imagery, the castle and its workings, and the people are all clearly  planted in my head now. Having those closest to May think she has lost her memory is an interesting twist to the chapter.

It’s good how you have Hailey understanding what has happened quicker than May. From Maewyn’s reaction, I guess she expects to be treated like the lady she is? Don’t know much of her character yet so looking forward to getting to know her, and hopefully hearing more of Hailey.

Your character building is well done. There is plenty of information without over loading the readers.  You close the chapter with a conclusion, such as May realising she isn’t at home anymore and not dreaming. Yet  you leave enough hanging to lead into the next chapter.

Looking forward to the next chapter. 

This chapter has me wanting to throw pineapples and raspberries in a blender and try to figure out what that fruit tasted like. I'm serious, those are two of my favorite fruits. Anyways, this confirmed my fear that Aedain killed Abarran while also supporting my theory May's going to have a relationship with her guard... Crap, I forgot his name. It's been so long since I read this. x.x

"May was sleeping soundly, when she felt someone poking her." One thing I found was I'd suggest getting rid of the comma. The sentence flows a lot better that way.

Overall, another good chapter. Aedain is easily a very evil and despicable character. He was in the other chapters, but all she did was offer her some fruit. And the demons at the end, who clearly wanted to do things to poor May...

Also, her breaking down felt very real and accurate, if you get what I'm saying. I was surprised she hadn't broken already. She's a very strong protagonist, but with everything going to hell around her I'm surprised she made it this far. It shows how strong of a character she is.

I forgot about this story until it popped up on the homepage! I was a little worried you'd fallen off the face of the planet or something, lol. Glad to see you've returned with new chapters (not that I'm near reading them yet, sadly,)

The action in this chapter was fantastic. The suspense was well done, I tore through the entire thing. The description of Aedian's massacre was well done, bloody and horribly descriptive. I like it. May's reactions to everything were spot on and her tolerance shed a lot of light on her strength as a character.

One inconsistency I noticed is at the beginning, where May is first transported to this world, she points out how much longer her hair is. (I think past her chest?) Yet you said "grabbed her short hair". If she cut it or had it pulled back and I missed something, remind me?

Overall I'm excited to get back into this story and see where it goes! Sorry I forgot about it.

I figured I would review yours in a similar manner that you did mine.

Plot:

As we have not gone too deeply into the story I must make assumptions as to where it is going. If my assumptions are correct I think I will like the turn of events. Fantasy in my opinion is one of the greatest genre's because you can make everything up, and you have certainly used that to your advantage. This particular chapter reminds me of Avatar (the excellent cartoon and not the haphazard movie) with the eighty year thing. I always love it when there seems that someone is a walking history lesson. Your plot also reminds of a classic fantasy novel, and there are not that many great ones out today. This genre seems to fading quickly, and I am glad you chose it.

The idea of a final battle, the ultimate showdown has been captivating readers since the dawn of time, and this chapter accomplished it. I find the idea of a parallel universe or another world enticing, so good job there.

Characters:

As I have gone ahead and read I know that these are not your main characters, and I will comment on them in a different chapter.

Grammar/Boring Stuff:

I think you were near perfect here. I read through some of your other comments, and they seemed to have caught them all, so it would be pointless and rude of me to point it out again.

I look forward to reading more of your story.

Grammar:

checking if he packed that toothbrush indeed – after all

• change that to his

The both girls

• the is not needed

Characters:

May - She seems like the everyday misunderstood teen at first, but then you elaborate more on her character, which is good. We are then able to see that she is more than some "Bella Swan" but rather a "Clary Fray" (I am not sure if you have read either Twilight or The Mortal Instruments). A girl who is relatable. Relatable characters are the best type of characters because then the reader can truly put them selves in the place of the hero of the story.

Hailey- She is a brat. She is annoying. She makes me want to punch a wall. And that is EXCELLENT! A lot of authors are afraid to have some of their characters despised, but I think it takes true talent to make a character dislikable. You will notice that in most YA novels girls fawn over the character that is brutish and arrogant, which should never be the case. You want the reader to be on the same page as the same character. May does not hate her sister, but we can still she is not overly fond of her either.  A true testament of a good author is to make the readers feel, which you have done.

Overall a nice story so far. I particularly like the fact that it is going to a sort of medieval world because I am obsessed with that type of stuff. The setting was also done very nicely. Keep up the good work. Maybe you'll get it published one day.

Grammar:

checking if he packed that toothbrush indeed – after all

• change that to his

The both girls

• the is not needed

Characters:

May - She seems like the everyday misunderstood teen at first, but then you elaborate more on her character, which is good. We are then able to see that she is more than some "Bella Swan" but rather a "Clary Fray" (I am not sure if you have read either Twilight or The Mortal Instruments). A girl who is relatable. Relatable characters are the best type of characters because then the reader can truly put them selves in the place of the hero of the story.

Hailey- She is a brat. She is annoying. She makes me want to punch a wall. And that is EXCELLENT! A lot of authors are afraid to have some of their characters despised, but I think it takes true talent to make a character dislikable. You will notice that in most YA novels girls fawn over the character that is brutish and arrogant, which should never be the case. You want the reader to be on the same page as the same character. May does not hate her sister, but we can still she is not overly fond of her either.  A true testament of a good author is to make the readers feel, which you have done.

Overall a nice story so far. I particularly like the fact that it is going to a sort of medieval world because I am obsessed with that type of stuff. The setting was also done very nicely. Keep up the good work. Maybe you'll get it published one day.

I really love how you describe the clothes and the stars (to indicate she is in a different world/location), but I want to suggest to you to try showing more than telling. The the Chinese outfit describe it more. The touch, the look, etc. are all great things to include.

I also like how the name that they call her (I am not writing it down in fear of spelling it incorrectly) is very similar to her actual name, so the reader can get the further impression that this an alternate universe.

I love the fantasy element in your story so far. You have done a good job keeping me on my toes. I look forward to reading the rest some time.  

Overall, this was a good prologue :) I love your descriptions, they did an amazing job at painting a picture of the world you’ve created. There’s only one nitpick I have about that, there was one point where you described Nesrin’s hair as snowy white in two consecutive sentences. Personally I’d describe it in a different way in the second sentence, but like I said it’s only a very minor complaint :) The characters seem interesting, is this Zhawn guy going to be the main villain of the story? Or maybe he’s actually a good guy XD Anyway I guess I’ll find out :)

There’s not much I can say so far, as it’s very short, but it definitely perked my interest. Good job.

This chapter did a great job of introducing May and her situation. I like how she’s a normal girl, not perfect, this make her relatable to me :) Also her struggle of always being second-best to a sibling is something a lot of people, including me, go through. Her family seems very realistic, with her overbearing mother, bratty little sister and bumbling dad, it’s a common situation after all :)

The only complaint I have about this is that I think her mother’s favouritism of Hailey is a little too obvious, like when she tells May to take her sister’s example because she’s so young and smart, or offers to buy her an expensive present right in front of her other daughter. I don’t know, to me it just doesn’t sound like something someone would say, even if they thought it :P But it’s not that jarring, so I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

Anyway, the ending of the chapter with the mirror was great. Your description of what happened was very vivid, and I liked May’s reaction at the end. I’m looking forward to seeing how May copes in this parallel world or whatever it is.

At first I had a few ideas as to what you were going to do with the story.

a) Maewyn (Out of curiousity is the name Welsh? It sounds Welsh.) and May were the same people, and Maewyn was a sort of alter ego for May

b) May truly belongs to this world, and this is where she ought to have grown up in.

c) May and Maewyn have switched places

I am pleased to see you have gone with option 3 because that is refreshing. When the first two are done, they are often not done well.

This chapter had the best clarity out of all your chapters, and I enjoyed being able to see Baltimore and the other world. I love stories with other world's. Urban fantasy just seems lazy where as pure fantasy involved world building. It shows the makings of a true writer.  

So Maewyn and May have similar souls, I presume XD If they’ve switched places, I wonder how May will react to her new situation, Maewyn's life is obviously very different from hers. I wonder where the mirrors came from? I wonder if someone organised for this to happen, as otherwise it seems a little coincidental. Anyway, I think it’s good that you chose to show “the other side” of what happened, it gives a little more information on the world May is about to find herself in.

I really loved May’s reaction to finding herself in this new world, first she’s convinced it’s a dream, and then when she realises it’s not she panics, and then thinks it’s a prank show instead XD. It was very realistic, I think, so good job :)

Anyway, I love your descriptions of the world she’s in and how different it is from the normal world. Also, I like how the world had a mixture of European/Asian clothing, as that indicates she’s in a parallel world, as opposed to simply being zapped into the past or something :P I’m wondering if May will run into parallel versions of other people she knows, like her sister or something. That would be interesting.

Something minor, but I liked the Duke and the healer’s reactions to Maewyn’s “sickness”. It's realistic for a medievalish world, considering how mental illnesses and conditions like amnesia were seen back then. Although I didn’t mention this in my comment on the last chapter, I did find it strange that her father executed someone in front of her. But then it was sort of addressed in this chapter, which was good.

There were a couple of times in this chapter where I noticed some commas where placed incorrectly. For example in this sentence: “he didn’t know, what scared her more – that she saw a man executed right before her eyes or that she finally understood, what had happened to her.” The first comma after know is unnecessary, and the second should be after eyes (for some reason, most of these mistakes seemed to occur at the beginning of the chapter, I didn’t notice as many in the second half of this chapter and the previous ones). Overall there just seems to be a lot where they’re not really necessary. But that’s the only technical issue I really noticed, other than that your grammar/punctuation and that sort of stuff is very good :)

Comas are my weakness - the punctuation in my language differs from the English one and I'm still working on it. I recently did some edits (today), so I hope that a good part of the mistakes is gone now.

Thanks for the review.

I liked May’s reaction to the villager’s bowing and their general behaviour around her. I felt sorry for her, as it further cements that she’s no longer in the world she knew, plus she’s rather isolated. Anyway like I mentioned I really like your descriptions, especially of the villagers and the castle May is staying in.

Hmm, since the mirror was sent from Lord Abbran, does that mean he has some involvement in May and Maewyn’s switch? But then I suppose it could just as likely be someone else, and they just sent it under his name to avoid suspicion :P I hope she finds some other way to go back.

The end of the chapter was very interesting. I wonder what Hailey will do now she’s figured out what happened to May :P

I'm relieved you don't find the long descriptions boring ;-)

Have fun with the rest of the chapters!

This was my favorite chapter so far. I know you are thinking that's weird because the main characters were not in it, but I loved the air of mystery.This chapter tied in the other chapters without giving too much away. I am basing this off of an assumption I have about your story, so I could completely be wrong. I think that the key they are searching for is what allows traveling between the two worlds aside from the mirror.

I can't really say much on the characters other than I anticipate them to be the antagonists of this story. Perhaps I am wrong. I am often wrong. I love how the bird talked (in case you did not notice I am a huge fan of talking birds).

I'm glad you liked it. Actually, these characters will be quite involved in the story... quite a lot (I'm not going to give any spoilers, have fun reading later on).

It seems as if with every chapter I will be forced to say this is my favorite chapter, but here it is again. This is my favorite chapter. I enjoyed the view I got of the world. I love stories where we travel to a different world where we must learn the customs of the place. It's a bit like Lord of the Rings in the sense that they have their own language and culture.

I used to be a big fan of the medieval/dark ages; however, I don't remember much about them. Lately I've been more interested in the Victorian Era, but I think this is mostly because of The Infernal Devices. I think it is very important to know about the medieval ages if you are going to tell us that it is almost identical, and I feel that you are very informed on this subject.

I didn't feel any sympathy for Hilda, but my friends do tell me I am a heartless person. I am totally on May's side. Being thrust into these situations are never easy, and on top of that you are suddenly a Duke's daughter. That is hardly fair.

At first I was anticipating some romance with the mention of the son. Will we get some later on? Not necessarily with May and the son, just in general? I will admit I am partial to a little romance. But towards the middle I began to see that this is not where you were going with this at all. I love epic wars. I know this sounds awful, but my favorite parts about history classes were the wars. American history was loaded with them, and I find inspiration for writing the wars in my stories from there. The whole idea of fighting for freedom, or fighting for the better good is so ironic to me. Never have I heard of a war (okay, I am biased towards the American Revolution, and I will say that war seemed to be for the better good) that actually solved problems. I hope when the war does break it (if there is a war in your story) that you demonstrate these concepts of how war ruins one country while giving false freedom to another when in reality they have given in to their greed. Overall a very nice chapter, and I will continue reading because I can't wait to see what happens next.

As for the romance, there will be a little in the Book 1, and it will come from an unexpected source (although you might be able to guess, so far your intuition was good). There will be a war and some scheming. Like you, I'm a fan of fictional wars (not the real ones; my grandparents survived war, so I know from them what hell it is), fierce fighting and just causes that aren't so just at all.

Wow, this chapter was great. I love the mystery and intriguing nature of it. I wonder what part these characters will play in the rest of the story. I wonder what the Key this guy is talking about is for, and if it involves May in some way :P At the moment I’m kind of thinking these people will be villains, but then they could be anti-heroes working for the greater good or something :P I don’t know XD

I was very impressed by May in this chapter. I like how she’s taking her own initiative and trying to get herself out of there, instead of sitting on her butt and crying. I was impressed by how she quickly manipulated both Hilda and her father :P This chapter showed her inner strength and determination, very well done :) The information given about the world May’s found herself in was very interesting, it’s nice to have a bit more information. But at the same time you didn’t go overboard, so there’s still that air of mystery and it wasn't boring :P Also, for some reason, I find Hilda a very funny character. I was laughing a lot when she got mad at May at the end, although I feel kind of sorry for her :P

I actually wrote this comment yesterday, but it signed me out before it came on.

I really like the character of Lief? Leif (I must admit I am quite poor in spelling)? He is not the typical type of boy you see in novels. I would also like to point out I have made the assumption that he is the love interest in the story. In typical YA books these days you get two types of boys as the main guy character. Don't get me wrong I love them both, but I would like to see a change every once in a while, and your character is a prime example of that.

The two types are as follows

1. The Beautiful Tortured Soul: This boy is the kind that is snarky, incredibly good looking (the kind that draws you in), has a past that causes great trauma in his present, but he will hide it all with jokes. I will admit my favorite fictional character, who I try not obsess over, is one of these. These are the boys that used in love triangles (I hate love triangles) because that just makes their tragic lives even more so morbid.

2. The Complete Hero: These boys are the Harry Potters of YA writing. They will do everything and anything to protect the ones they love. They are rarely in use of a love triangle when it comes to be the story because that would not be very hero like of them, but they are incapable of being with their true love until the very end because they will be pushing them away every second they get to protect them.

Leif does not seem to fit into any of these categories quite yet. He might, and there is nothing wrong with that, but as of now he seems different. I feel like there are not enough novels out there showing different variation in character, and you are doing a good job of that.

For the plot, I must say I am rather excited for all the next chapter. I love this type of stuff.

Good you liked him. Actually, there is a character of type 1 in the story, but he's rather cheerful than tortured. And, he won't be very popular with the ladies ;-)

I will admit I was not getting enough of May's true color in the beginning, but now I can see them clear. In the beginning of the story because you did a great job on the emotional aspect I could only feel the bitterness in her and jealousy, but I can now feel her strength and morals. She is quite noble and brave, but not reckless, which I appreciate because most authors these days are incapable of telling the difference.

The female characters of our generation are quite boring and honestly annoying aside from a select few. I disliked Katniss Everdeen because I did not feel that she was a true hero. She was a selfish girl, but I can see that May truly does care about people other than herself, even her family, who tend to neglect her. I think that is the making of a great female hero. You will notice I did not write a main protagonist as a female because they are not as easily liked as a male, but you have done well with this.

This was a very good chapter. I wonder what May will do when she meets her “fiancé”. I’m curious about this “agreement” they speak of. I like how there are these chapters from different points of view, I think it enhances the story and gives us a bit more information about the world and what the bad guys (I’m assuming these guys are bad guys :P) are up to.

Leif seems really cute. He’s the sort of nervous, genuinely kind male character that I have a soft spot for :P One thing I found strange is how May scoffed at the idea of demons, she came into a parallel world through a magical mirror and demons are apparently too far-fetched? XD Honestly, I wasn’t sure if she was just teasing him or whether she actually thought he was silly for believing in them.

Anyway, this chapter was very intriguing. I like how May’s learning to use her situation to her advantage, it shows she’s pragmatic and able to adapt to new situations. I like this priest character, he seems to know quite a lot about the world… I bet he has a dark side :3

An error I noticed – at first the priest referred to the friend that could translate as he, but then later he referred to her as she.

Thanks for spotting that. It must have escaped my attention.

Poor Leif, he’s easily manipulated XD I was laughing out loud when May tricked him :3 This chapter showed a lot about May’s character. Once again I like how she’s out and about instead of moping around. Plus she’s not afraid to stand up for what she believes in, even if her views differ from Maewyn’s and the rest of the population and thus could potentially expose her. I really liked how she intervened with that kid, it shows that she’s a genuinely nice and caring person, especially because she could have gotten into trouble for it if her father or someone else like that found out. I really like her so far, she’s kind but she’s also smart and brave :) She’s a great heroine. Anyway, I wonder how this new character will shake up the story :3

Erik! My heart goes out to him. Throughout this chapter I felt nothing but sympathy for him. He is such a lonely boy. The feeling that you are not special to anybody is the worst feeling in the world. You have done really well telling us how lonely Erik is. I can sense he has a greater plot to play in this story (obviously you wouldn't introduce a character just like that and have him be minor). I sense a darkness with his character. I don't mean that he is evil just that evil tends to follow him around. Kind of like Harry Potter. You don't have to be a bad person to be surrounded by darkness, and I feel that is the case with Erik.

The plot in this chapter was interesting because we were able to slightly divert from the mirror storyline, which is good because subplots in the story are always great. In fact sometimes I wish the subplots in some stories played a larger role. I am not sure if this chapter is a subplot, or if it ties into it later. If this were a full length novel I would assume it is a subplot, but I don't know if that is what you intend for this story.

I really like the setting of your story. The time period type setting is my favorite. I love the ancient times To study, I mean. I would die if I had to live there, literally and figuratively.) You are doing a good job sticking to things that relate to the setting, which is always appreciated by the readers. Overall it was a nice chapter.

Are you sure, you're not a Jedi? You're good at sensing darkness. As for the subplot, Erik is very important for the main plot of the story.

Thanks for the review.

Aww, Erik is cute. I bet he’s got some sort of dark secret though, I’m curious to find out what it is. I’m assuming the pendant thingy he was carrying probably has something to do with it. Especially given his reaction to Leif, he must have been involved with some struggle with soldiers or something? I don’t know, I guess I’ll just have to wait and find out :3

Anyway, I liked how May was so concerned for Erik even though she’d only just met him, I think it further shows her good heart. It also shows how different she is from the other people in this world, because most people in an upper class/noble position wouldn’t even consider helping a poor child (well most of them wouldn’t anyway :P)

Also, I found a spot where Erik is referred to as she:

“May, on the other hand, was shocked by the thought of a child spending a night alone in the forest, even though Erik must have done it a lot if she had been a vagabond for a full two months.”

As far as the writing goes, I think this was your best yet. Your descriptions were great and overall I just really liked the stylistic choices you made with this one.

Eeek cannibals! I saw that coming when he licked his lips. Well, I guess they were technically not human as you did say they were legendary beasts, but still it was gross. I liked it. I am glad you did not try to cover away from stuff that disgusts humans. I know several people who would not have taken the risk in writing that just because most people detest it. So good for you. I like risk takers aside from authors who take a risk by killing their main characters in my opinion that is just lazy.

I also keep on forgetting to mention that I like the POV shifts normally it is hard for me to keep up with them, but you have made it very easy to follow. I will read the next chapter as soon as I am done working out.

Aw, thank you. Good that you find the POV shifts quite fluent - I used to have a bit of a problem with them and fixed it (hopefully). As for the cannibals, it's not cannibalism if you're eating another species, but, yes, it's horrible.

Have fun reading!

Oh, that was delightfully gory. Yeah, I’m just a bit creepy XD I loved your descriptions of them eating the poor soldiers, the inner gore-lover in me was very happy :P

I noticed, they said that demons have golden eyes in this chapter. And last chapter Erik was described as having golden eyes… I had a hunch when I read that part, and then I went back and found a place in chapter twelve where he was mentioned as having golden eyes. I bet that means he’s a demon, or at least a part one or something XD And then the boy they’re talking about would be him, wouldn’t it? So I think May might meet these guys very soon (or at some point anyway :P). So I’m guessing the Key thing is that pendant he’s got, or it’s at least connected to it.

I wonder, how did he get into her room? XD He definitely has some sort of power, I think. I still think he must secretly be a demon, maybe that’s how he got up there. Anyway, I like May and Erik’s relationship, it’s very sweet. I like how May has sort of become a big sister for him. Hilda is mean, she brought Leif into May’s room and then gets mad at him for staring at her? She could have made him wait outside, or something. Her logic is flawless :P

Again, I find it a bit strange that May tells Leif off for believing in demons. I mean, she did come to this world through a magical portal, it just seems strange to me that she’s so insistent that they don’t exist. I don’t know, I just think if she’s in this new world, she’d be a little more open-minded to such things existing :P Especially when she knows there must be some form of magic in the world, because that's how she got there in the first place.

Hilda is acting according to women's logic ;-)

As for May's lack of faith in demons, let just this be an irony...

You've left it off at another cliff hanger I see. I think Erik is some sort of a magical creature or he at least posses some form of magic. The way he was able to get into the house and May's room also the fact that he was living alone in the woods makes me think he either had a magical protector or he himself was able to protect himself.

I really want to know the reasons all the Dukes are warring. I guess I will have to keep on reading to find out. I am currently really into this stuff because I just finished watching my favorite show, Reign, which is about Mary Queen of Scotts. So I was able to truly stay in the world you have created. I am pleased with where this story seems to be going. It is one of those books where everything I want happens, or at least it seems that way, and sometimes we just need those books in our lives.

The war is coming, don't worry. It's currently in the stage of plotting (you should come across some chapters with that soon enough).

As for Erik, there is something wrong with him. You're right to suspect him.

Oh no, Erik! I’m so worried for him :( I did find it a bit strange that the men said they couldn’t smell him anymore, I mean, he’s right above them and wouldn’t his scent be on the tree or something? XD Still, I think if they’re in a forest they’d consider he might’ve climbed a tree :3 I wonder what they want to find him for, and what the key thing they were looking for does. Maybe it has something to do with the mirror, or perhaps it’s something completely unrelated to that. Anyway, your descriptions are great as usual, Erik’s food made me hungry :P

Oh no, Erik! Don't let him die! I hate it when children die (I mean I can't talk considering my prologue...).

                “It disappeared. Again,” the first voice muttered. “The brat is sly.”

The fact that they said "it" makes me think that they are either objectifying Erik or he is not human because it would never refer to a human. I was wondering who exactly his new friends was. At first I thought it was May because he mentioned the meat being something worthy of their table, but for some reason I don't think May is the friend. For one he would have referred to her by name and May does not seem like the type to give him raw meat for him to cook by himself. I mean no sensible person would allow a child to play with fire by himself. Just a few thoughts.

Also I was wondering why does May not arrange some sort of living space for Erik. I know he said that he was worried that everyone around him dies, but I thought May would persist.

So the prologue is finally starting to make sense. At first I tried to connect it to the story, but it seemed a little distant; although, well written. I now see where it fits in. On a side note I really really really hope there is not love triangle! I wonder how you are going to handle the romance aspect of this story because if May is to go home then will her love come with her or will he stay in the world he belongs, or will May stay? It does not seem like she has much to go home to. Whatever the case I am sure you will do the end justice to May's story. I feel bad for May being forced to marry someone she does not know. Her fiance seems like a jerk, yet at the same time I feel that he will change at the story continues, which is why I think there might be a love triangle. I am praying that there is not one.

Thank you for reading and commenting, you're the best!

As for the romance and love-triangles, you're in for surprise ;-)

Actually, when I was reading your comment, I was cackling (I know, that was mean). I suppose you have to keep reading, I don't want to spoil this for you.

So Erik is part demon? That's a plot twist. I mean I knew he was not perfectly human, but I did not see part demon coming. I read another story where a girl was part demon and part something else, and she reminds me a little bit of Erik (only in the sense that they are both good people with dark blood in them). I think it is interesting that Erik is a good person, but still had demon blood in him. I think it is a good representation of how there is demon in all of us, but we should be fighting them off.

Why do I get the feeling that not only is Erik in trouble, but May is now also in trouble? I think they are going to go a capture her. Of course, I could be wrong. I really like the shifting POVs because I think only a very talked writer can make it feel like it connects. I tend not to write in shifting POVs because I think it is hard to do, and I personally enjoy just writing from one character POV, but you have done a good job with it. 

So May is in a spot of trouble. I am warming up to Abrran. At first I thought he was like one of those preppy private school boys, but that fact that is brave does ease some of my initial dislike towards him (also the fact that he is handsome, but that makes me sound shallow). The demons were excellently portrayed. You can really sense the fear these people have of them. I really like how you have created your own sort of culture. Also I did not expect demons hurting people at a temple. I always thought those were sacred sort of places the demons could not enter. The fact that your demons can makes them seem that much more terrifying.

Yup, the demons are scary guys.

As for Abrran, he's a good man, although a bit pampered.

Thanks for reviewing!

Chapter six was just as great as the rest. I think I'll start with the negative things to end on a more positive note.

In the first paragraph, you talked about how the the castle was a complex, and housed hundreds or thousands of people. I personally didn't get how May could tell how many people lived in it. You might want to say "by the looks of it" or something similar. It's a bit hard to visualize the castle. From what I understand, the castle is really a giant wall and a pyramid-like formation inside, with the upper class on top, barracks on the middle level, and middle class on the bottom. Then on the outside there's the lower class people in the village.

Secondly, Hilda. In the previous chapter you described her in a way that made me see her as getting old but still pretty. However, in this chapter you called her an old crone. Technically the word "crone" is correct, but it doesn't sound right for a noblewoman.

Grammar: You don't need commas before "that" and "which". It sometimes helps me to say it out loud if I'm not sure how to say something, but not with an accent because that can make you put commas where you shouldn't.

I really like the idea of making it a mix of different cultures, not just European, Scandinavian or Oriental but all of them. The castle is also pretty cool. You did a good job of paying attention to detail, describing certain parts of the castle and the villagers. The overall concept makes things really interesting, and you ended the chapter off really well.

Thanks for the feedback. Your critique was really helpful (you pointed out some stuff, I neglected a bit). I'm glad you liked the chapters so far. Have fun with the rest of them.

This chapter was rather sad and confusing, though it tells a lot about the plot. I like your idea of different clans and how they're related. I assume "the child" is Kaellach's son? It sounds like they're all on the same side but don't get along very well. This chapter definitely raised a lot of curiosity. Well done.

This chapter may be a little confusing, but everything will become more or less clear in a couple of chapters.

It's hard to say what would be realistic because we don't know what it's like to be in another world with magic and stuff, but May's thoughts seem very reasonable. She's worrying about returning home without getting decapitated, and thinks about the differences from her own world. She doesn't think about what's on anybody else's mind until the end, presumably because Hilda's behavior changed from annoying to sad. I like that, because it shows her character. May's excitement about reading isn't surprising, given the scene in chapter two. I would like some description of the library though, besides books and scrolls on dusty shelves. The hallways could also use a bit more detail. This might seem stupid, but what color is that stone that makes up the castle? Is it simple or complicated in design, are the corridors straight or curvy, wide or narrow? These are small things, but help immerse the reader in the story. It was good that you had plenty of thoughts and ideas, including some from Hilda to show what she's thinking about. May's decision to look in the library, and then pretend to pray at the temple so that she could find out about the mirror, is very clever. This story gets better the more I read.

Hmm... Actually, I love writing the descriptions and I'd like to include more of them. However, I needed to keep the first 18 chapters as short as possible, because I was afraid I'd lose readers' interest before the really interesting development in the plot comes.

Poor, poor May. I’d die if someone made me wear a corset XD I felt sorry for her in the situation she’s in too, having to pretend to be a graceful lady and having to fool her fiancé who she’s never met. She’s a pretty good actress, anyway, she seemed to convince him :P But then maybe he already knows its not her... Sorry, I have this theory that he has a secret evil side, or at least some dark secrets. But then I suspect almost every character of such things, so that’s probably not that accurate XD

I really liked the mystery in this chapter, what with people disappearing in Abrran’s kingdom, something mysterious happening eighty years ago… I’m really curious to find out what it is. Judging by their conversation, I’m assuming it involves demons of some kind. I’m scared now, I bet the news the priest has is a trap… It’s way too early in the story for her to go home yet XD That’s how I judge these things, you see.

And you're right to be suspicious. Soon a bunch of "things" will happen (finally the story is getting to the point). It would be a lousy story if May got home in chapter no 17 without any problems, right?

Yay I was right! I’m doing a happy dance right now. I thought Erik was a demon (or at least a part one). It reminds me of Inuyasha (I don’t know if you’ve seen that anime, but I love it). Just like Inuyasha, Erik was shunned for his demon blood by humans :( I was surprised he didn’t know though, I thought he did know he was a demon (or half-demon) and was just keeping it a secret from May :P

Oh no, sounds like they’re going to kidnap, or at least attempt to kidnap May and use her to make Erik help them/tell them stuff or whatever it is they want him to do. I feel sorry for her, but at the same time I’m excited. This should be an interesting development.

Yes, you were right about Erik (and he didn't know about his demonic part of heritage). If I remember well, chapter 18 is a turning point for May - have fun with it!

At least Erik and May have each other. In a situation like this I would like to have someone around me that I know. I wonder why May was captured. Your story is like a bit of fantasy, mystery, and some form of science fiction. I love have you combine genres and not just stick to elements of one because that does not make for an interesting tale.

I am beginning to wonder what is May's role in all of this. Why is she so special that the demons had to capture her. Was it just because Erik said her name? Or is there a greater role for May in this? I believe May was selected for a reason. Your story is one that makes me question if it is the journey that makes the story or if it is the character? You have combined both of those things and it is impossible to see any other character taking May's place.

Sorry, I haven't commented in a while. I've just had several school related things. AP Calculus and AP Computer Science have been domineering my life at the moment. I plan on reading more because I do believe we will have a day off of school because of the weather, and I plan on using that time to read more of your story.

It's the change that makes the story (and awesome quest to save the world). Being in the Callesmere changes May, but her character will trigger changes in some characters and events as well.

The part in the garden was really funny, I laughed out loud and I don’t often do that when I read things :P Poor Abrran. He does seem like a nice guy, even if he makes May feel awkward. And he’s brave too, considering what happened near the end. It’s hard to tell if he really died or not, as his death wasn’t described, but I’ll assume he’s dead until proven otherwise. However, in a fantasy story you never really know, so I won’t rule out the possibility that he’s still alive, although I think it’s unlikely :P If he is alive, I still think he’s got some dark secret XD

Anyway, your description of the demon was fantastic. It was very scary, you did a great job of building the atmosphere. This was a great chapter, and it seems like it’ll be a big turning point for the story. I’m excited to see what happens next.

The scene with Abrran was supposed to give a final laugh before the crappy events that came later on ;-) I'm glad it worked.

Wow, this chapter was very interesting! Though I'm slightly confused (I know, I get confused a lot =P ) about why it's called A Crack in the Wall and the concept of the Barrier Stone seems a little vague. How is it in the center of the spell? Did you mean for the advisor to say "it's amazing *how*"? Otherwise your description of the stones is really cool, and so are Royse and his advisor. Their relationship and what they talk about is intriguing. Nice way of introducing characters and setting up the plot.

The chapters with the "advisor" (the ones in Orvik) are supposed to be a bit confusing in the beginning. Later on everything will become clear.

In a galaxy/universe far, far away, where the Europeans discovered America in the Middle Ages, where Native Americans speak Irish and are evil, where princesses make deals with fat priests... At least that's my view of the story. Whether or not it is, I can't help thinking how this feels more like a bestselling, "Now in major motion picture!" book than one you can find online for free. I love Leif and the priest. They definitely aren't your stereotypical warrior and priest. Another informative yet pleasant chapter, too, adding more to the plot. It's pretty funny how May kept talking about the demons and the evil language, even though she was told that doing so brought her bad luck. Good old dramatic irony. I do have some questions. Near the end you mentioned mysterious fog. What's that? I've never heard of someone saying that something is both dusty and dirty. Dust is from not being dusted, dirt is from being outside =)

Thanks for the dust hint.

You cracked my Da Vinci code with the summary ;-) That's more or less (rather more) the idea of the setting! Just wait till the subplot of fight for freedom emerges and the set will be complete...

Yet another amazing chapter. Pros and cons. You seem to really like commas =) they don't go before words like "that", "which" , and "who". You also called Erik "the little girl" and "she" a few times. The transition from naughty May at the beginning to generous May at the end was a bit strange. I like the characters and their different reactions to May (as well as her reactions to them). Your describing different senses besides sight makes the chapter more vivid. Oh, and a couple things I forgot to say for chapter eight. A couple is two, but you said "a couple of nobles" when you were talking about more than two. And...wait, that's just one thing. Nice chapter.

Thanks for the review and grammar hints. As for ErikÄ…s suspicious gender, his character was originally a girl and you found a remnant of that (thanks).

Congrats on making the most shippable characters. I don't know if I am just a crazy fangirl and want to ship the main character with everyone possible, but I think I know where the romance is heading with your story. I don't want to say it out loud in case I am wrong.

Also I thought it weird that May blamed Erik at first; even though, it was his fault. I am just so used to the heroes of the story taking all the blame on themselves. It was refreshing change to see the hero seem more like a normal human being and not being above the high morality standard that most of them set. 

The little bit about Erik's origins were very intriguing. I do wish you had gone more into it. No matter I am sure you will in further chapters. I read a book once where there main character was part demon, and she was intelligent and kind and everything you would not expect kind of like Erik. He clearly is more human than demon, which is nice because most people would make him the bad guy.

I will be able to read a lot more of your story today and tomorrow because we are out for snow!

Thanks for reviewing! I can sense that your favorite character is Aedain, isn't he? Oh, he's such a bad boy ;-)

As for blaming Erik instead of herself, I thought that would be only natural - people do that a lot (unless you're a Superman). Once again, your reviews make me smile, so please keep writing them. After all, you have a couple of funny chapters ahead (I have a dark sense of humor sometimes).

Ugh, Aedain is creepy >.< I felt really sorry and scared for May, so good job. That said, I am curious to find out more about him. I have a feeling he’s got an inner squishy side or a dark and troubled past of some kind :P Or maybe that’s just my weird thinking.

I think May’s reactions to everything that was going on were very realistic. Especially when she fell off the horse and panicked, I think you described her fear very well. I could really feel her emotions throughout the whole chapter.  At least she has Erik for company now :D Oh, and something random, but Aedain’s horse sounds cute in an ugly sort of way. Sorry, I love animals :P

Squishy side? I like that expression ;-)

As for Meirch (the horse), he's supposed to be a nice, adorable horse-like beast. And being ugly doesn't mean the animal can't be cute - my tortoise is cute although he's hideous (and is an old pervert).

I’m really curious as to what Aedain’s true motives for May are. I mean, I think he wants to use her to make Erik help him, but I just feel like there’s more to it than that… It seems a little coincidental that May and Maewyn looked in the mirror at the same time. But then I don’t really think that was Aedain’s doing, so maybe someone else wants to use her for something too. I suppose all will be revealed at some point :P I bet something horrible happened to Aedain in his past, for him to hate humans so much. Although I suppose humans probably have ostracised demons and stuff, so maybe that’s why, but I feel there’s something personal to it. Maybe someone close to him was killed by humans :P Still, his squishy side (sorry, that’s what I like to call it XD) is becoming more apparent with the way he treated Erik at the end.

I liked how May was suspicious that Erik was a demon before it was confirmed to her. I think it shows that she’s smart, and I liked how she protected Erik from the demons even though she didn’t stand a chance against them. It sheds a lot of light on her character, she’s brave and caring, and obviously copes well under pressure. Even when he threatened her, she didn’t stand down. I liked her before, but this chapter made me like her even more. She’s my favourite character so far :P

Your intuition is as good as ever. Aedain will spill the beans about the reason he hates humans in due time ;-)

I'm glad that May is likable.

Good chapter.

I knew it would be harder than that for her to escape. Maybe I’m weird for laughing in an intense situation, but I found May’s attempts to cover up their escape to Aedain very funny :P Once again I really like how courageous and brave May is, she’s not afraid to stand up to him and say what she thinks. I wonder what Aedain’s plans for this mysterious eclipse are :P

Also, you’re doing a very good job of expanding on and developing Aedain’s character. His inner squishiness is further revealed, but at the same time he still seems evil and dangerous. I bet at some point he will call her by her actual name and it will be heartwarming :P I must admit I’m not really a fan of the “badboy with a hidden heart” type of characters, but Aedain is growing on me. What I don’t like about them is mostly that the heroine swoons over them and completely glosses over their creepiness, but May isn’t doing that so he doesn’t annoy me like it they usually do. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense :D

Actually, I'm not a fan of those kinds of relationships either, although I find the "evil" male characters attractive. Every time I see a heroine swooning over a "dark guy with the past", I think: "Are you out of your mind?! He'll make you a bunch of kids, there will be domestic violence and he'll end up being heavy drinker!"

Thanks for reviewing!

Oh, this chapter was very heartwarming! Though as a boy I'm a bit suspicious of Erik. He seems too...cute...to be true. Is he Kaellach's son, or a demon? Are there different clans mixed in together, or are they all part of a clan? In the previous chapter you said they went to the temple, but then they somehow got to a tavern. And you said "the May" =) The argument with Erik was interesting, I can't wait to found out more about him. 

You're right to be suspicious of Erik.

As always, you're great for spotting the typos - thanks.

As someone who suffers from second hand embarrassment this chapter had be blushing like crazy. It was extremely uncomfortable for May, thus making it extremely uncomfortable for me. I was reading this chapter with my face hidden between my hands. My parents are looking at me weird because of this. 

I assumed they would not get away because of my suspicions I was not entirely surprised that Aedain caught up with them. I mean he is a demon, and I always figured demons had superior use of the five senses. Also I feel that May is brave, and strong hearted. I just don't know or think she is physically, which puts her at a distinct disadvantage against these demons. It also makes me think that to get away she is going to have to out smart them. I hope you don't have her rescued by a prince or something. That would be so typical. I have never read a book or story where the character makes an escape because of brilliance, and I want to see that. I look forward to reading your next chapter.

Oh, what a praise! And about the prince - no prince will save May; she'll have to save her own butt. My basic idea for this character was to make her overcome the obstacles using her brains as she lacks physical strength or magical powers.

I knew it! Before the story ended I guessed he was the king's son. I am glad that you did that because that showed that Aedain is capable of loving. Erik have nightmares is so sad because you can't escape them. You can't control what happens in your brain even when you are awake or at least I can't.

I love the fact that Aedian gave into what Erik wanted proving that this kid is adorable. When you first introduced the character of Erik I prayed that you would not create another Prim (Katniss's sister from The Hunger Games). The characters are both soft hearted but there seems to be something more to Erik's character than there was in Prim's. I like round characters better than flat. I know it is necessary for there is to be some flat characters in every story, but I am glad that most of yours are round.

Thank you very much! I like rounded characters too - the pieces of cardoard are just not that entertaining ;-)

Gosh, that was graphic 0_0 I don't like those guys very much. Oh no, Erik is a demon. Are they all parts of clans, or is that just demons? And how did the sergeant remember being decapitated? Are the demons part of the native people? I recognized that "evil language". You don't have to answer these questions if they would spoil it, I'm just sharing my thoughts. What an interesting chapter.

Soon one of the demons will explain everything clearly. But you're right about the demons being the native people (the evil Indians). As for the clans, demons have clans, humans have dukedoms.

Wow, how can they be so stupid? May doesn't notice that Erik is EVIL (hey, those two kinda sound alike) and they don't realize that she's from another world. Very suspenseful - you wonder when they will notice. Is Leif a demon too? He got some negative attention from Erik, and sensed the horses like Erik did. And does Erik's talisman have mind control powers or something? I like the way you talk, too: referring to eyes as orbs and saying that Hilda's back was so straight that it looked as though she swallowed a stick. Is that how you talk in Polish? I've never heard someone talk like that before. It's a little awkward, but makes the story more fun to read. The only grammar mistake I found is when you said "they have walked". Using "have" as a verb is for the present tense. For the past tense, you would say "had". You probably knew that though. I like how the chapter was less serious, and including a little humor.

Thanks for spotting the mistake (damn, you're useful). As for the sticks, yes, that's an expression used in Polish ;-) Sometimes I smuggle some of those.

I guess it isn't much of a spoiler to tell you that Leif isn't a demon. He didn't sense the horses; he was simply splayed on the ground with his ear near to it - he heard them.

I'm glad you liked the humor.

There were a few times in this chapter, especially at the beginning where I think you repeated Aedain’s name too much, there were a lot of times where I think I would’ve been better to say “he” instead :P

Poor Erik, nightmares at are the worst :P I found it really funny when Erik was sitting next to Aedain and asking him to tell him a story, that kid’s got some guts :P And his reaction was priceless too. But maybe I just have a strange sense of humour (which is very likely) :P Aedain’s story was really sad, I had a tear in my eye when I read it. Sorry, I’m very emotional :P I knew there was some reason he didn’t like humans! I feel sorry for him, having to witness that when he was only young… I hope he grows to realise that not all humans are bad (just like not all demons are bad XD)

Great! That was the reaction I was aiming for! Life was tough for Aedain - just imagine spending eighty years with Baltar as a nanny. I would become an alcohol addict ;-)

Once again, thank you for reviewing!

That fruit sounds tasty :P I like small details like this that really show how different the world is from where May is, it’s a good reminder that she’s an outsider to this world. I must say, Baltar is an idiot, I was almost internally face palming at him so easily being taken in by May’s compliments, although I was also cheering her on XD

Aedain’s behaviour in this chapter scared me. When he commented on her body it sent a shiver down my spine. I suppose despite his inner squishiness, he’s still an evilish demon :P I liked May’s behaviour, though, it seemed very realistic that she broke down and cried after everything that happened. It seemed very justified and natural, so good job. In fact, I think it even shows her strength as a character, that she’s lasted this long without breaking down. I know I definitely would have cried long, long ago XD Good cliffhanger, too, I hope May’s okay >.<

Thank you for the comment.

Ku ku ku, someone appreciated the emotional scene - May may be a tough girl, but she's still human, right? As for Aedain, his inner squishiness is overwhelmed by "evil-coolness" I guess ;-)

Very mysterious. I thought Erik was bad, but those demons are after him so surely he isn't? My assumption is that those people were his clan, and the female person was his mom. He said he was an orphan, but wasn't that sad about it so it looks like he's lying. If they are his family, would he have fangs too? I guess they didn't grow in yet. This must be why destruction follows him wherever he goes. Your repetition of words such as "brat" gets annoying, but it isn't too bad because it makes the bad guys look like the annoying ones. In the third paragraph, you said "skill matching this of..." instead of "that of". Otherwise nice chapter.

What a terrible chapter! I can't believe you even...!!! Just kidding, this one was just as nice as the other ones. I'm not sure whether the Karhadon crest has a black fish (as said in chapter 14) or a red fish (as said in this chapter) but the other details were very good, like Abrran combing his hair and the duke's pushing his cup away and then pouring too much. I liked hearing their conversation, and seeing how May reacted when they made her leave. The end, with the letter, was especially cool. Like May, I'm anxious to see what'll happen.

Damn, you're good with spotting the details. Thanks for the entire crest and special little thanks for this crest!

Your characterization in this one was great. I am slightly annoyed with sparkatale because it logged me out when I had already finished writing out a review for chapter 23 and 24. Back to the characterization. So May is more determined than ever. She has a strict idea of how people should be treated and the fact that Aedian is not treating her like a person pisses her off and she tells him so.

I still finding it surprising that Erik, a little boy, can care so much, but I think it is more realistic. As children I think we care more about the world and others  than we do as adults or teenagers. We begin to zero in on the people we know personally and care about. There was a book trailer for Clockwork Princess (I think you should really look into that series) and in the end the main character goes "If you could save the ones you love by damning the world would you do it? I would." I've never heard truer words in my life.

Answering to the question, I would let the world burn if only my loves ones were safe (I know it's selfish, but I suspect that majority of people would do so).

It's crappy when you have to write a review twice - my heart goes out to you and I'm thanking you for the review double!

I don't get why this is called Demon Blood. It's still a nice chapter though. Pros and cons - The first chapter was a bit strange. "the chest," "reminding...[him?]," and "the supper" is what I mean. Also, I'm not sure whether you're aware of this, but it says the chapter name twice. And Erik's legs were wobbling under him even though he was sitting. =)

Is it just me, or does this chapter seem a lot like the movie "Lilo and Stitch", but with demons instead of aliens? Regardless, Erik's captors are very mysterious but too mysterious, and I'm really anxious to see what they're up to. I think I like Erik a lot more now that I know he's not with the demons, but is just a mutt. He's also very interesting.

The chapter is called Demon Blood, because, as Baltar points out, Erik is half-demon.

I never watched Lilo and Stich; what are the similarities?

As always, thanks for the review and pointing out the inconsistencies. Legs shouldn't wobble when you sit...

Aw, poor Abrran. I expected him to be dead, but still, I feel sorry for the poor guy. I had a theory that if Abrran was dead they’d believe it was a deliberate attempt by Maewyn and her father, and now I’m slightly more confident about it.  I think this Zhawn guy will convince Abrran’s father that Maewyn’s father or someone else deliberately got him killed, and then they will go to war or at least stop their alliance.

 I wonder what this spear does, but at the moment I hope Aedian finds it instead of this guy, he seems evil :P But then Aedian’s pretty bad too, so maybe I should hope that no one finds it XD I’m worried now though, May and the others will probably find themselves in danger soon…

Your predictions about the political repercussions of Abrran's "accident" are correct ;-)

I'm glad Zhawn seems evil - villains should be evil right?

As for the Spear, yes, no matter who finds it, people will be screwed.

Oh, those demons were horrible. I know exactly what they wanted with May, the creeps >.< I found it funny, those demons thought they’d found something to use against Aedain, but he just didn’t care. Or maybe I just have a weird sense of humour :P

Your descriptions of Aedain killing those demons were very well done, very gory XD But I love it (the gore, I mean). His murder of the lizard demons flowed very well, and it was very gripping and exciting. As May realised at the end of the chapter, he is truly a dangerous person. It’s good for the readers to realise this too, it shows us that despite his secret squishy side Aedain is still someone to be feared, someone she needs to escape from.

Oh, and here’s an error I found:

   “Aedain, however, didn’t stop. He smirked, what scared the girl out of her wits.” It should be which instead of what.

I'm glad that the murder of the lizard demon went well ;-)

You grasped the merit of the scene - my idea was to show how dangerous and ruthless Aedain is.

Yay, more gore :D The events of this chapter and the last must have been very confronting for May, considering where she came from and such. I admire her for being quite strong throughout, I know I’d probably be screaming in fear or curling up in a ball or something :P

I’m curious about the nature of this pendant. I’m pretty sure it’s the Key they keep talking about, but at the moment I don’t have enough information to draw an opinion on what it actually does ;) I mean, it seems to absorb people's fear, or something like that… And it burns demons, I’m guessing? That would make sense why there’s a guardian for it, if pure demons can’t touch it (I’m assuming Erik can because he’s got human blood). But I can’t really decide how it’s relevant yet. It reminds me a bit of the shikon jewel from InuYasha, although its effects seem to be different. Oh well, I’m sure all will be revealed at some point :P

Aedain’s squishy side is further developed. It’s funny how he goes from being a grumpy demon one minute to actually appearing to care about his hostages the next :P I found his attempts to apologize and stuff very funny.

Ah, the squishy stuff.

May is a brave girl, huh? I think that I'd vomit after seeing legs fly by or something like that... Or maybe not.

As for the pendant, it's supposed to be a magical Key, so I can't really reveal all the information, especially that it will become relevant in the future. And Erik can touch it safely, because he's the Guardian.

Poor Royse. Losing a child is definitely one of the most horrible things that can happen to a person :( I felt really bad for him, Zhawn really is evil for taking advantage of his grief. I was thinking “No!! Don’t listen to him!!!” XD I sense a war on the horizon… Exactly what Zhawn wants, sadly. He's very cunning.

That was low of Zhawn, but he's the villain. He has to do malicious, manipulative stuff ;-) Thank you for reviewing, your reviews make my day!

I think I am going to try to comment on a chapter a day, but I might miss a few because school started back up after the snow fiasco Atlanta just witnessed (it was super embarrassing considering the Weather Channel is located in Atlanta and the governor claims we did not see the snow coming when they warned us a week in advance...Somehow Georgia even had 5 fatalities because of the snow) Well onto the story:

I like how you tied Zhawn into this. He seems horrible. I mean who feels no pain in their child's death. All the sympathy I once felt for Aeidan (I know it's spelled wrong...my computer refuses to cooperate today) has gone down the rabbit hole. I know it is in both their natures to be on the violent side, but when I see violence without motivation I sort of turn cold towards them.

Grammatically I did not see anything too striking that had to be addressed.

The plot is thickening, and I need to know how all of this ties together! I keep on waiting and thinking this is the chapter where it is going to happen, and it ties some stuff together, but then more new stuff in introduced, so now I have to worry about that.

Please give me some of kind of sign and say that May ends up Aiedan. Like I know I just said I don't like him, but I like it when the awful character changes to be a better person because of love. It just makes me so happy to see things like that. I know that is in most YA books, but rarely have I seen it done well. Like that is why I hate love triangles because they are just not done well. I like the ideas that you present in your story, and I think it is tale that can teach young children a thing or two.

Snow fiasco? Don't worry, we have snow fiasco every year.

I know that sympathy for Aedain rides the rollercoaster ;-) As for the signal about the possible romance, it would spoil the plot. I can say this about May and her romancing - it won't happen overnight and super-quickly. Plus, she's not really a victim of a Stockholm syndrome... But I sense some suspicious stuff in a few chapters.

Of all the chapter's I've read so far, this is my favorite. I like how you show what's going on in May's mind, like being annoyed by Abrran but also kind of shy, deciding that she needed him if she wanted to go to the temple, and relating to movies she saw on the Middle Ages. The little details were also very immersive - May swearing in front of Abrran, the mule, describing Aedain and his horse, etc. These and the plot made this chapter a satisfying read. As for the plot itself, May's previous conflicts were fair enough, but finally! She finds the real action! I like the way Arnstein and Abrran defended her, because it shows that Arnstein isn't really that lazy and Abrran isn't so snobbish.

In response to your question, Lilo and Stitch is some movie my sister was watching about a little alien (like Erik) who means well but is very destructive and two other aliens hunt him down (like Baltar and Aedain).

Lastly, this isn't that related and you probably don't care, but I think that one of the things that makes a book good is letting the reader make their own theories and assumptions on what will happen. If you want to know mine (again, probably not)...I would personally but I know you haven't finished your book yet.

Would you like me to keep commenting for every chapter or once every few? Either way is fine with me, but I figure you have your preference.

I'd like the comments for every chapter if that's not a problem for you. I simply love reading feedback (helps fix stuff) and as for the predictions, don't hesitate to write about your theories. The plot is safe - I have everything planned out and right now I'm filling the holes.

This chapter contained some really interesting information. The stuff Baltar told May about demons and such was really interesting, and you managed to convey all this information without making it boring. So good job there :) The destruction of the Laismaran’s culture reminds me of what happened to the Native Americans, and more importantly (for me, at least, because it involves my own country) to the Aboriginals in Australia. I wonder, was this deliberate? XD Maybe I’m just thinking too far into this :P I don’t know much about the native Americans but I know a lot of Aboriginal culture and language, etc. etc. was lost when the Europeans invaded. Sorry for rambling, by the way, I just find it really fascinating XD

So a bit more of Aedain’s plan is revealed XD I’m assuming the key will help him find the dragonslayer spear, or something like that. Or maybe it gives the spear its full power? I’m curious to find out :P

Some errors I found:

“May also made a discovery that grass in the world of the Callesmere Empire was edible, but it tasted awfully” should be awful instead of awfully.

Also, there were a few times towards the end of the chapter where Erik’s name was italicised. I’m not sure if that was deliberate or not? Because I can’t really think of why it would be… XD

Oh, the editing glitch. Thanks for spotting all those things. As for the inspiration for the history of the Laismarans, everybody seems to interpret it their own way - American people think it's like the native Americans, you thought of the Aborigens. Actually, such things happens every time an invader takes over a piece of land. I was using Celts for reference material.

Oooh witches! Sorry, I have a thing for them :P So Lavena is the woman who could translate the scroll, I assume? I have a feeling she’s going to try and find May after she returns and finds the priest dead, which will be interesting. I have a feeling that eventually (not for a long time though) she’ll be able to help May find her way home, or at least give her some information. Maybe she'll do some investigating of the mirror and find out who sent it (there's no way it could've been a coincidence :P)

Once again your intuition is correct! And yes, witches are fun and I had a great time writing about Lavena.

Looks like the 'unfriendly' visitor, has reared it's ugly head. That's has to be an embarrassing situation.

This was a nice filler chapter. It was good to get inside May's head a little more and get to see some more of the human village. It's also a pleasure to see Aedain softer side.

I do have a question though; I noticed that in the middle, a couple of your paragraphs are left aligned and not indented, I was wondering if it was meant to be that way or not? The only other thing I would point out is at the end, when May and Aedain are speaking. The last set of dialogue isn't spaced between each other. Other then that, it was a good chapter. Good Job!

(P.S. I'm still going to review the last couple of chapters before this, just wanted to do this one first since it was right there.)

Thanks for the review and notifying me about the editing glitches!

I really like how you have portrayed Aedain. Most authors would have him immediately acting as if he was already head over heels in love with May. I am glad that we got to see that he is not acting like that. If you are going to make a May and Aedain relationship I recommend adding more subtle hints. I got a few from this chapter, and I know that it is not the focus of the story, but I have noticed most teenagers (I know it's sad) like to focus on the romance aspect of it all. They live for the anticipation of the couple getting together, and endure the pain the character takes in the name of love (I am no exception to this).

A suggestion I would make is maybe show as a little of Maewyn (I don't know how to spell her name). I think it would be an interesting look as to how she is doing, but if it is not part of how you pictured the plot than ignore this advice. I was just curious as to how things were going back in our world, so I thought maybe some other people were too.

Thanks for reviewing. As for May and Aedain, their "relationship" is already planned out. Don't worry - there won't be sudden love confessions and Stockholm syndrom in attack ;-)

About Maewyn, I'm not mentioning her for a reason - later on it will turn out why (if I told you now it would be a major spoiler).

 Aaahhh, so Aedain is Kaellach's son. Looking back on the first chapter, I was reminded that Zhawn has gold eyes too, but he and Nesrin acted as though he isn't in the same clan. This means that all demons have gold eyes, or not just Kaellach's clan...right? I still want to know who Nesrin is.

This chapter was very suspenseful. May kept talking to Aedain even though he was warning her. That seems a bit unrealistic, but her other reactions were pretty good. I know Kaellach needs her alive so he can use her to make Erik obey him. Speaking of Erik, his relationship with May just got really complicated...

My theory is that Leif will try to save May and they fall in love (you said she prefers modest and sensitive guys, and Leif seems to fit that description) so he goes with her when she returns to Earth. However, his opposite is Hailey's boyfriend and the boyfriend gets sent to the Callesmere world, and the adventure starts all over again...=) Sorry if I just butchered your plot, but that's it.

Nesrin is one of the most mysterious characters, I think.

As for your predictions, I enjoy reading them! Please keep predicting ;-) I'm not going to tell you if you're right - that would spoil all of the fun.

After this chapter I think Lavena will meet the group sooner than I originally thought ;) Although I suppose they have to find each other first, as she’s left, so it may be longer than I’m expecting :P I liked the part where May was thinking about her family. To be honest I’d almost forgotten about them, so it was a good way of reminding me XD Awesome descriptions again, the dragon sounded so cool :P

Oh, dragons. Best things ever XD I must admit I didn’t expect his demon form to be a dragon, I imagined it as some sort of feathery monster (I don’t know why, honestly, there’s no indication that was the case :P).

An error I found:

“She ran to him, not wanting to make him waiting” it should be wait instead of waiting.

Thanks for spotting the error.

Dragons are cool, aren't they? Somehow when they appear in the story, they make stuff more epic ;-) I have a dragon-weakness...

I like how Aedain and May are beginning to understand each other. I’m hoping their relationship remains a platonic one (though I wouldn’t be surprised if Aedain falls in love with her, I don’t want May to fall in love with him… As I said before, I really don’t like those types of relationships). But if it does turn romantic (which I find unlikely, at least at the moment) I’ll cope XD

Oh Aedain, if you want someone to help you trashing their house is not the best idea XD I found that scene funny, for some reason, and May’s reaction to it was priceless as well. It was silly of him, because now May’s got the scroll in her possession. Although I suppose it doesn’t matter to him, but it may affect his plans in the future :3 Still, he really needs to get anger management lessons or something, if he hadn’t been so agro he might have found some information on where she’d gone XD

Errors:

“She felt more secure to have Aedain with herself” her instead of herself.

Aedain could use his brain more sometimes... As for the possible romantic relationship, you're the first one who doesn't like an idea of getting together with a violent murderer ;-) Male readers think a bit like you, but most girls are swooning over the brutal men (such thinking may be dangerous in the future, I guess) ;-)

Anyway, thank you very much for the great reviews!

I am glad we got to see more Aedain's sweet side. We rarely get to see that. I mean we glimmers of it, but we got to see more if it here. I am glad that this was not long and drawn out as most people would try to make it. This was an interesting take on May and Aedain (I have pretty much determined in my mind that they are my OTP for this story).

I am sad we didn't have much Erik in it, but the parts that he was there helped move the plot along. You repeatedly mentioned a key and a gate in other chapters, but never told us what they were. Naturally we are all curious, and I beginning to think that the pendant has a lot to do with that.

Baltar is one of my favorite characters because he seems the most haughty out of all of them. I don't know why I gravitate towards those characters, but I just do.

Sorry, if it seems that I am always commented on characters. As I have grown older I have gravitated towards stories where it is more character driven than plot, and I find that your story is fits into that category.

On a side note, if you have time could you possibly look at my story? I updated it yesterday.

Oh, damn. Actually, I wanted to make MM a story where the plot plays an important role, but with flashed out characters ;-( Anyway, thanks for reviewing. Keep voting on May/Aedain pairing (he, he).

Lol, Baltar is like that uncle or grandfather, who just says whatever on his mind, with no filter whatsoever. He's becoming on of my favorite characters.

I'm glad you had the chapter with the Laismaran children. I know in previous chapters, its been expressed that humans and Laismaran, hate each other, but it's another thing to see it in action. I'm starting to see why Aedain wants to go with his plan. I like that you also showed Aedain softer side then too. It's a side we haven't had a real chance to see yet.

I really can't wait to see how all this is going to play out in the end. I did notice some small things in the chapters, just some words omitted here and there and some tiny grammar mistakes.

All in all, really great set of chapters and I can't wait to see what happens next!

I must say, this chapter was rather interesting. While their thoughts and actions were a little repetitive, I like how May tried to think of an explanation for everything rather than just except them as they were. The beginning was very emotional, but the end was a little suspicious, where the demons weren't being harsh to them. While you obviously put a lot of thought in your story, it looks as though you don't look over it when you're done. Though I shouldn't complain, because I do the same. =) The only inconsistency I could find was that Aedain's vambraces changed from steel in the last chapter to leather in this chapter. You forgot to mention that he has magic vambraces.

Thanks for spotting the inconsistencies. Sometimes I'm so focused on the plot that I forget the small details.

This was where I was. I certainly remember reading those graphic and wonderful descriptions of the attacker's deaths, so I know I must be here. It's annoying that these reviews vanished, I can go back and add them if you'd like.

Sorry it took so long, continued to feel under the weather and with a foot of snow on the ground outside I hardly got around to doing anything. I'm rather swamped with reviews I need to return.

the battle descriptions are graphic and wonderful. Just gonna say. It annoys me when stories gloss over the carnage of battle and this one certainly does it. Excellent. (God, that made me sound like a sicko.)

Okay, so the stone burned Aedain's flesh... There's a few things I'm thinking right now about what exactly it is and what exactly Erik is too. It's hard to not like the little guy.

Aedain's treatment of May seems to be changing rather fast. I'm not sure how long they've been in each other's company but it doesn't seem long enough for him to be showing even the slightest bit of compassion yet- he's a demon, and an evil one at that. Although after this chapter I'm not so sure he's entirley evil, which may be a good or bad thing story wise. It's not a bad thing to have a clear protagonist and antagonist but the demons have been made out to be the antagonists so far so it feels a little out of character. I'm getting more of a blood-thirsty cruel vibe from them, not evil.

Thanks for the review. About the reviews that vanished, leave them be - I know it's too frustrating to be forced to go over the same stuff over and over again. So please just review the next chapters.

As for the demons, they have some surprises in stock (I'm not going to spoil).

Short, but it certainly made the plot thicken.

the only thing that bothered me was in the first paragraph when you said "and his heart died again." I thought the Duke was actually dead, and that is probably what other readers might take from that line.

I have a feeling this hooded figure is an antagonist I was talking about in my last review. We may know him already or we may not- I'm expecting a plot twist at this point, because when he told the Duke May ordered the killing it was a 'oh no he didn't!" moment, so to say. (-:

Evil cliffhanger, by the way. Very nicely done.

That phrase with the heart is a saying from my country - I'll change it.

As for the antagonist, I'm not sure if you caught a glimpse of him in the prolog. I introduced some changes to the story and added a couple of scenes with him.

Good chapter. I must say, Baltar is definitely my favourite character after May :P I like his more light-hearted attitude, it provides comic relief like in this chapter and it’s a good contrast to the brooding Aedain :P I was laughing a lot, I always find situations like this hilarious. Especially because they were looking for Lavena, she was right here and they didn’t even realise :P I really like her as well, although my opinion may be biased because she’s a witch and I love them. Anyway, I like her wit and intelligence.

Oh Aedain, he’s fighting a losing battle :P I feel sorry for him. I’d still prefer if their relationship remained platonic, but I sense a bit of unrequited love on the horizon XD

Gosh, you're the first person who declared the sympathy for Baltar ;-)

Wow, so that's how the war breaks out! This is sort of Helen of Troy like only Helen really did run off with someone else, and that caused a ten year war where as May was kidnapped and someone is framing her. This was a very short chapter, but I feel like it was to the point. There was no excessive content to keep the story going. I feel like there aren't that many stories out there where things are just short and to the point.

I still fail to see Zhawn's motivation. Once we see the motivation of the character I feel like it takes away his awfulness. That is just something I have observed with most characters. Of course there are exceptions like Voldemort. I do want to know what makes Zhawn want to start this war.

Hm... Actually, Zhawn's true motivation will be explained in the last chapter of the book (which is already written), but some hints will be dropped from time to time.

As for the short chapters, originally they were parts of bigger ones, but I figured out it would be easier for people to read the story this way.

Once again, thanks for reviewing. Have fun with the next chapters. Thinking of motivation, in the next chapter Aedain's motivation will be revealed.

the way you talk, right? It's very important. Also, I like how May and Aedain talked to each other. Their dialogue was very interesting. I was a little confused when you talking about how the  moon's light was blindingly bright until you mentioned there being two. The end was also kind of unclear. Why did the girl [;)] keep the ruined clothes? How did she use them as a pillow and wrap them around Erik? Was he positioned under her head? It didn't help that you have tons of typos. You seem to love them. For example, you forgot to italicize May's thoughts near the end. Still a good chapter though.

Does the girl have her own magic? Some kind of mind control? It seemed to me as though she was making the demons be nice to them, such as letting them camp for the night and bathe even though they tried to escape when they could have just killed them them being May and Erik but instead Aedain spared them and it's as if May was controlling his mind so yeah. I also had the strange thought of Hailey's opposite being Aedain, I don't know why. Maewyn doesn't have a sister, so my suspicion has been raised.

I don't love the typos, I just make mistakes in a foreign language I don't use often.

As for the ruined clothes, I'm sure you'd keep yours ruined clothes too if the alternative was running around naked for god knows how many days ;-) It's only logical.

About the demons being overly and suspiciously nice, it was made clear in the previous chapter that May and Erik are their hostages (or rather May is, as Aedain needs Erik's help). It would be stupid to kill the hostages too early.

Thanks for the review!

I am so glad I finally know what he wants! Of course what he wants is to kill humans so...there's that. I really like Baltar. He seems like the quarterback in every high school. Someone who can't resist bragging about themselves, so they end up being easily manipulated.

I also really like how Baltar genuinely does not want May and Erik to die. I think he is forming/formed a sort of friendship with May. I can't wait to see Aedian show more compassion, which is what I think I will see in your next chapter. I mean he isn't going to kill them halfway through.

I was also really interested in their history. I wish I could have seen more of it. I think it is interesting how we portray them to be evil, but at the same time we hurt them. It is a mutual cycle I guess.

Later on, the demons' part will play a bigger part in the story. I hope that the explanation of Aedain's motives didn't come too late in the story. The impression of Baltar you got is exactly the one I was aiming for ;-)

Haha, "And I only know the ones where brave dragons slay evil humans." -awkward- I liked the way you provided more information through Aedain's thoughts and his story. That was very natural. It was also good how he spoke of the king as if Kaellach                Was a human and humans are the creatures, and how you broke it up so that it wasn't just one giant paragraph. The only things(s) I can think of are, grammatically, quotes within other quotes are in singular marks, like "He said, 'No one can escape (their) fate.'" That's the other thing:I'm sure you know this, but some words don't have an article, like fate. It could also be "No one can escape fate." 

As always, thanks for the tip on grammar - honestly, I was not sure about the quotes within quotes (is it inception?). I'm glad that you liked this chapter and noticed that the text is broken into paragraphs. I wanted to avoid the boring, huge block of text, so I'm glad it worked out.

Thanks for the review!

Leif! I was wondering what became of him XD I don’t know why his reasoning was desperate, though, it sounds perfectly logical to me. After all, why would he kill all the others and then take her alive if he had no other plans for her? :P But then I suppose he could’ve just been “saving her for later” or something (at least, in their opinions, because that’s not the case).

Anyway, I’m really curious about who sent the mirror and such. I don’t think it would be that Zhawn guy, I can’t really think of what he’d gain from switching them, so I think someone else must’ve done it… And they must have influence over the other world too, for May and Maewyn to both get a mirror at the same time. I’m sure this woman will at least try to help May return to her world, but I’m not sure if she’ll be successful or not… Anyway, I’m curious to find out :3

Hm... About the mirror, initially, I was planning on letting this plot line remain unsolved. However, it seems that almost everyone, who's great enough to review (thank youuuu), focuses on the mirror. I decided to explain this, but not till book 2.

Good chapter. Aedain’s squishiness is further developed, but he still remains grumpy XD Still, it was really good how he saved those children, it shows he does have a heart and cares for his people, even if he hates humans :P

I like how you portray the relationship between humans and demons: there are good demons, bad demons, good humans and bad humans. Both races are conditioned to hate each other, which sadly reflects in real life as well. I wonder how these children ended up in a human village. Perhaps they are half-demons like Erik? But then they had a demon form so I don’t think they are :P

Errors:

“I would love to see you trying,” try instead of trying.

Great, your conclusions are exactly what I wanted to convey.

As for your question about the demon children, it will be answered in the next chapter - everything is explained there.

Thanks for reviewing!

So we got to know a little more about the mirror in this chapter, which was nice. I want to know more about these two worlds. Are they like parelel worlds, or are they more hidden worlds within our own. Your description in the beginning was really nice, not that it wasn't nice all around, it was just nicer in the beginning.

Plot wise the story always seems to always introduce new elements to me. It's nice, but sometimes I think you might want to add a little fluff. I struggle with this too. I don't add enough fluff, so it just seems like the plot of overloaded at times. Perhaps you could add little bits of conversation with May and Aedian. A lot of authors will add stuff that has nothing to do with the plot just to deviate, so the reader doesn't feel overwhelmed.

Other than that this was a good chapter. I am going to try to get in a few more chapters today because we are getting yet another snow storm! Last time it was 1.5 inches, and they shut down ATLANTA for a week! It was just silly to be honest, and this time we are expected to get 3 inches. They have already canceled school for the rest of the week. This gives me time to read more, and we have an expected power outage because of that...

I'm aware that the story would use a bit more filler sometimes, but on the other hand I have a freaking long and winding plot to execute. Yesterday, I made some calculations and came to the conclusion that I'll have to get rid of the fluff-arc that was supposed to happen right before the ending - the book would be too long. As for the descriptions, perhaps I should add them here and there.

Thanks for reviewing! May the storms be away from you!

It's a little bit of an info dump chapter but I found I quite liked it. It does a good deal of fleshing out the world of the Callesmere empire and the history behind it. The little deal about edible grass was a nice little touch of world building. One thing I must point out though is that grass here in our world is edible too- yes, I know, I've tried, and it tastes terrible. So although it was a nice touch it's not too much different than the world of our own, but it's grass for God's sake, I should shut my mouth.

You've done a nice job fleshing out the demons. Aedain and Baltar are easy to tell apart with their personalities and the things they say. Their plan to kill every last man in the world is certainly ambitious and bloodthirsy but after seeing what they are capable of doing I'm not surprised. I have a feeling the Sapphire pendant will have a huge role in the story later on.

Yes, it was an info dump ;-( However, it had to be done eventually. As for the Sapphire Pendant, after all it's the Key, so it play an important role later on.

Humans don't digest grass well... and it tastes awful. I guess that everyone tried eating it at some point in their lives.

Ah, a place without taxes. We all wish we could live there.

The second half of the chapter I liked a lot better than the first. The moment she began discussing that someone knew about the portal my attention, which had begun to wander, was pulled back in. I'm still curious about how that mirror works and how May was able to go through it. It's a fantasy story, I know there's more to it than she simply fell through. (-;

Short, but a good chapter. It doesn't seem like it but it helped move the plot along and increase the amount of intrigue.

(Sorry, that's all for tonight. Still sick, I should probably be hitting the hay earlier than I am. :P)

Maybe some things happen without reason? Hm... a place without taxes would be nice. In my country they eat half of the earnings.

WOW❗❗❗ What a cliff-hanger ending. I like how you made May cry. I didn't realize that she hasn't done that yet. It was very emotional, and I'm sadistic too so I like crying (no not really, but it did make things interesting). It was very...heartwarming...that Baltar was being nice to May...I suppose. I don't want to seem weird liking touching moments while I'm a boy. I see what you did there though. The beginning was very realistic, with the girl =) struggling to get up. By now it's pretty obvious that they need a way to escape or they will perish. It makes me wonder if Erik will save them somehow, because he's part demon. I rate this chapter four pig noses out of five 🐽🐽🐽🐽/🐽🐽🐽🐽🐽 because it was a nice chapter, a lot of character-character actions and reactions, but the part where Aedain was staring at her body made me feel awkward and you called May an idiot woman. Usually character thoughts are in italics or written as the character talking to themself. If you don't agree that's fine. Just saying.  

The part with the staring was meant to make either awkward (if you're a boy) or terrified and wanting to grab pepper spray (if you're a girl). As for the POV, I didn't put it in italics, because I'd have to put about 1/4 of the next chapters in italics. That would be odd...

And if you don't cut the crap with the girl, I swear, I'll find you and whack you with my super-heavy frying pan. I'll fix the girl-stuff later.

Have a nice day and thanks for reviewing.

I like stories with lots of conflicting morals, it’s boring if there’s a clear cut “bad group” and “good group” :P  So I’m really glad of the way you portrayed the humans and demons. I really want them to realise that they’re the same underneath, and their races shouldn’t matter, but somehow I doubt this will happen in the near future XD

 I’m sure deep down Aedain really loved his father (unless he did something to him, but I don’t think he did), he’s just angry because of how he trusted easily and they betrayed him. Also I have a feeling Aedain’s mission will be slowed down by these two children, so it’s nice to see how he cares for them despite this.

Errors:

“Laismarans who spend most of their lives cannot be affected by infections from water; it heals their wounds.” This sentence seems weirdly worded to me. Personally I’d word it: “Laismarans who spend most of their lives in water cannot be affected by infections from it, instead it heals their wounds”. Or something like that :P

Thanks for the grammar tip.

As for good-bad guys, I'm a Star Wars fan, so I believe that every villain is someone's father and isn't really that bad (dangerous thinking). I also never liked the setting where someone is clearly good and the villain is evil, because he's diabolical.

Thanks for the review!

Ooooh, I had a feeling this would happen. I thought Zhawn would decide to use Aedain’s mission to his advantage, and I was right. After all, he’s already found the Guardian and the Key, ad if Zhawn were to try and take them from him Erik could get killed in the process which wouldn’t do him any good XD

Oh, so Nesrin has icy powers. That’s so cool, I now imagine her as Elsa from Frozen (I have a thing for animated movies… XD). Anyway, I’ll be serious now XD I wonder what happened to her in the past, she’s a very interesting character. She’s not a demon, obviously, but she must be some other sort of magical being or witch or something cool  :P

That was "un-cool" of Zhawn, was it? As for Nesrin, guessing what she is and how she came to existence is a hint for the core of Zhawn's evil plan ;-)

Well, that was… not really my thing, so I won’t say much on it XD I don’t know if it’s just me (after all, my opinions on this sort of thing aren’t really that of a normal girl’s XD) but I found the bit where Aedain was commenting on her body really creepy, it sent a shiver down my spine.

Errors:

“More, there was a half-naked man lazing on top of her!” lying instead of lazing.

“The demon could not notice, that her wet sleeveless dress clung to her body, exposing her tempting shapes as she was climbing on her toes to hang the laundry, she just did.” A bit of awkward wording here. There’s a few unnecessary commas and the first bit is a little strange. It should be something like: “The demon couldn’t help but notice that her wet sleeveless dress clung to her body, exposing her tempting shapes as she climbed on her toes to hang the laundry she just did”.

Gosh, if Aedain creeps you now, you might want to read the future chapters while hidden under a safe blanket ;-) Actually, when I think more about it, it's disturbing that a hundred year old guy has such thought about a 17-year old girl. Hmm... it sounds criminal.

Thanks for the review and for pointing out the mistakes. Have fun with the next chapter (it's about magical stuff).

Ohhh. Royse's advisor is Zhawn! Oh my goodness! The Irish Native Americans are within them! I'm glad that you included Zhawn in the story again. I was wondering where he fits in. It also makes me wonder what kind of person he his. Surely he's evil, but he hates Aedain, so maybe he will be key to the girl's escape. And no, I'm not making fun of you. I actually forgot May's name. Speaking of the girl, her chapters weren't bad but a chapter focusing on other characters was nice. It makes everything less monotonous and keeps everything flowing. Didn't Zhawn die, in Aedain's story? Or was it his fate that he lived? You didn't say what happened then,which makes me think that it is the same Zhawn. Unless there's a lot of Zhawns. In my intermediate family I'm the only one who isn't named Zhawn so I can relate =D. And Nesrin. She is very mysterious. I wonder what Zhawn will do to her. I'm just going to insert a "Poor Royse, Abrran died!" here.

I rate this chapter five puffer fish out of five 🐡🐡🐡🐡🐡/🐡🐡🐡🐡🐡 because it was short but important. I can feel the Team Zhawn versus Team Aedain. Both are evil but they hate each other, so it seems reasonable to hope that one kills the other and then there's only one evil demon to take care of.

According to Aedain's story (and everyone's story as well), Zhawn was killed by Aedain's daddy. And yes, it's the same Zhawn and he popped out of nowhere or some mysterious reasons.

It's funny how Americans think that the Laismarans-humans story was inspired by their history. Actually, a girl from Australia thought that I was basing it off Aborigens ;-)

So Aedain turns into a dragon, that is pretty awesome. This chapter also had a little bit of humor, which is useful in your story because as I said before that your story is very plot oriented and there is something new every chapter. I know you said you didn't want it to be too long, but I am sure people wouldn't mind if it is a great story.

It does not surprise me that Aedain has many enemies. I mean he is about as nice as hugging a cactus. I like the little exchange between Baltar and May because that makes Baltar seem more humanlike. Aedain still seems like an alien to me. I like him, but he is not as relatable as Baltar.

Aedain is as relatable as cactus ;-) I loved the comparison. Actually, Aedain is an alien - he's a member of a native species from another planet...

I'm glad that you liked the little filler before the "witch-arc"

I like how you connected “magical” things in our world with this one. I don’t know why, but I really like it when fantasy stories do this XD The information about the portals and how they connected our world to theirs was really interesting, I like reading about the mythology and history of the Callesmere Empire :P

Anyway, the plot is moving along nicely. Aedain once again creeped me out, he really sends a shiver down my spine XD I really hope May and Erik escape from him soon, I don’t know how much longer May will manage to stay alive if they don’t… I think he’s getting dangerously close to killing her (or attempting something…  else XD) I really hope she manages to go home, but at the same time I don't think she will for a while (or if she does manage it, she'll have to come back for some reason).

You know, I'm going to smack you in the head for that intuition of yours ;-)

And thanks for the review. I'm glad you didn't find the portal part too overwhelming - I was worried that it would be like serving my readers a very boring physics lecture.

I really like Nesrin. She’s so cool and manipulative, I like “villains” like her. I’m not really sure if she’s truly villainous yet though :P I hope she’ll defect to the good guys at some point, but at this point in the story I don’t think that’ll happen any time soon :P Oh no, the war has started. Even though I saw this coming, it’s still quite scary >.< At the moment, I’m kind of thinking that Zhawn’s plan is to use all the dying humans to create something, like in Full Metal Alchemist, but I won’t say more about that in case you haven’t read that manga and were planning too XD

Aw, poor Leif. It was really cute when he said/thought May had stolen his heart.  I’m rooting for you! Yeah, I may have a soft spot for lovable dorky male characters :P

Errors:

There were a lot of times throughout this chapter that Leif was called Levi (I read that note when it was still up, I’m assuming you missed changing his name in these places XD)

Thanks for giving me heads about about that Leif-Levi thing.

As for FMA, I haven't read the mange yet. Damn, you made me wonder what they're making out of the dead people. Anyway, I'm not going to give spoilers.

Thanks for the review!

I really wanted it to get in a review today before the power goes out, which is expected. Everything here has iced over. Canadians are even having trouble driving here. Mostly because they say our ice is stickier because we are warmer. About 116,000 people in Georiga have lost their power because of trees falling over, and we have a lot of trees in our backyard. If I can't get on tumblr, I think I will explode. So on to the review.

I feel like Aedain is a little bipolar. He seems too be warming up one minute and then the next he goes back to being a jerk. Normally bipolar characters bother because that makes me think the author does not know how to characterize, but I have read your previous chapters, so I am well aware you know how to. I think Aedain is just supposed to be like that. If you only one character like that it really adds to the story because that makes him complicated instead of sloppy. I really enjoyed this chapter plot wise. I am excited to meet this witch person and now more about her.  

At least you can build a snowman ;-)

I know that Aedain is a bit bi-polar (and sociopathic probably too). I wanted to make his and May's relation a roller coaster ride - when it gets fluffy and mushy, bam! He'll twist her neck. Hmm, that was probably a bad example.

Thank you very much for the review!

What's a fantasy novel without a dragon? The fact that his actual form is a dragon is quite possibly one of the most creative ideas I've seen in fantasy stories that have to do with dragons- you don't see a dragon able to transform into human form that often. The description of his transformation was brief but incredibly well done at the same time- it sounds rather sadistical of me but I could practically hear the snap of his bones. Yikes...

May's turning in to a fine heroine. She's worrying about the people and their innocence, something a true protagonist would do. She's determined and smart and I've come to quite like her. Erik was originally my favorite character but May's since taken his place.

Overall it was a nice chapter, and until Aedain told May she was going to see the witch I assumed they were referring to May, and that she was a witch and it would be a big plot twist. I can say I'm a little disappointed but I have a premonition May is a lot more special than you've let on to.

I have a weak spot for dragons ;-) (and dinosaurs)

As for May, yes, she's incredibly special, but not exactly in the way expected in fantasy novels.

Interesting. Not much, to me, really happened in this chapter until the last little bit. I'm not sure if I just read over it (I often do) but I missed the reason why they started galloping through the swamp like Madmen. I know something came crashing through the trees... But what? I might have just looked it over.

The descriptions of the chase were nicely done, however.

Now that the truth that they can turn into dragons is out there it seems like it's happening rather frequently now for demons who took all this time revealing it to them. However I do think it had something to do with the river so I won't complain.

The cliff hanger was nicely done, by the way.

They're regret this turning into dragons soon enough - there's reason why they weren't doing it before. As for why are they galloping, you obviously missed the part where they began following the witch's trail.

I've picked up on it before, but now that there is the taunting from Lavena and the other demon (his name keeps slipping my mind when it comes time to write it) I'm starting to predict May and Aedain will end up together. I assumed her and Levi would but the more I think about it the more it seems like he has a soft spot for her, and soft spots always lead for romance. I'm not sure I'd be a big fan of the coupling but it would depend on how you write it, if it even happens. I'm one for crackpot theories.

Lavena's ability to transform was a nice touch and I found Baltar (I remembered his name!) and his attempts at flirting with her quite hilarious. I'm not sure if this was the intent but I found this chapter funny and rather light-hearted. It was a nice change in tone.

Yes, this chapter was supposed to be funny - after all some grimly sadistic events are ahead. As for possible romance, I won't give you any spoilers; keep coming up with the theories ;-)

This chapter was something I've been looking for for a while now! There was a healthy dose of the fantasy aspect- the descriptions of Lavena healing the man and the wounds he suffered were on point. There was a good amount of worldbuilding in this chapter too and I like that. One of the things that turn me off to most fantasy stories are the info dumps and I've found your story doesn't do that- it's a huge relief. It makes it much more readable for someone who's not a big fantasy buff.

Ah, right, Levi's name was changed to Leif. It took me a moment to recall who he was.

A question I do have, though, and a question that I think will drive a lot of the story forward, is now that the mirror is shattered how will May and Maewyn return to their respectful places? Will they ever? I'm not going to get into my crackpot theories just yet, but it certainly increased my intrigue in the world you've created.

As for the mirror thing, I won't spoil the plot for you. It's going to be an interesting development in the future and I'm not that mean to take the surprise away from you.

Nice to meet more Irish Native *Polishes*. I was interested when you said, "..they weren't doing quite as fine job at pretending to be humans as Aedain and Baltar did." It makes me wonder if all the demons have different forms. Are there monsters from Polish mythology in the story? Is there such a thing? Anyway, the sway of the plot was very skillful, with moments of hope and moments of "yup, she's dead..." especially at the end.

I'm not sure which of the typos are simply mistakes and which are things you don't know how to say. If the latter, you can always ask someone or get a style book. They weren't that bad though.

Thanks for not overdoing the swearing. I don't mind if there's a little like in here, but it's always annoying when people think they're funny because they know what swear words are. You could probably describe the gore a little less though. You don't need to constantly remind us that there's guts lying on the ground. I know you're trying to make it impacting, so at least give a warning saying that chapter 25 has gore in it. There could be squeamish people reading. I just realized...poor Erik! I rate this chapter four knives out of five 🔪🔪🔪🔪/🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪. Good job.

Gore stays ;-) It may be good to add a warning though - thanks for the advice. As for heavy swearing, I know what you mean. Once I read the first chapter of a book where the 50 % of dialogs consisted of "f" word; it was very tiring.

Thanks for the review. Perhaps I should get a style book, but I need to buy a washing machine first ;-)

Zhawn doesn't seem so strong anymore. His followers obviously weren't good enough. The dialogue between Larry (I named the reptile guy Larry, hope you don't mind) and Aedain was interesting. The demons of course think they're better than everybody else, even each other. That gives me reason to think that Aedain and Baltar have a weakness.

Though why didn't Larry just hit them during the fight? Do the other ones not have that really cool lightning power? In the last chapter you said that Aedain didn't need May, but he keeps doing these nice things to her. And somehow, for some reason, Erik slipped off the saddle after Aedain gave him his pendant back. Aedain had to put him back on Meirch.

I keep forgetting to tell you about repeated words. To some people it doesn't matter, but if it does to you, I hear "cursed inwardly" and "damn" a lot. Nothing big, just wanted to let you know.

This chapter's rating is five poodles out of five 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩/🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩 because it wasn't awkward and I liked the ending.

Thanks for spotting that inconsistency with Erik for me - it totally made no sense. As for Larry (I love the name), only he had the awesome powers (but they were no good anyway). About his fighting strategy, obviously he wasn't not only dumber than Aedain, but also beat Baltar in a stupidity contest - and that says a lot.

If you're still confused about Aedain's behavior (the girls already detected it), remember how five-year-olds behave when they like someone (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) and apply it to a sadistic psychopath.

Thanks for reviewing!

Baltar really isn’t the brightest, is he? Even though he’s a bit of an idiot, I like him. He’s good comic relief ;) I like how he embarrassed Aedain, his reaction was priceless XD

 Also, something random, but I like how May knows her own strength. She’s not stupid to try and take on Aedain physically, so she takes him on with her brains instead (which, I have to say, are considerably more developed than his XD). I hope her brain power will win over his strength!

Also, I like the contrast between how Aedain treats May and Erik as compared to the two demon children. It’s funny, he’s perfectly nice and caring towards them, but then he’s so mean and grumpy towards May XD He definitely hates humans a lot, that’s for sure :3

The demons aren't smart, are they? I guess Zhawn is the smartest of them all. However, considering that they live way longer than humans, they would be too dangerous if they were too inteligent ;-)

I really like how May had this opportunity to escape but decided not to because of Erik. It shows she has a good heart :) I think she should go back and steal the barrier stone, use it to repel Aedain and Baltar and then she and Erik can escape. But then I suppose they’d put the village in danger by doing that, so maybe it’s not the best plan…

I have to say, I don’t think I’ve ever read a fantasy story (in fact, I haven’t read many stories with this in general) where a girl actually gets a period. Or is mentioned to get one, anyway :P I’m wondering if it’s somehow relevant to the plot, because otherwise I don’t really see the point of mentioning it, especially as it was so emphasized. Maybe the barrier stone did something magical to make it happen (I doubt it, but hey it could be XD).  I guess demons like Aedain must have a very different reproductive system for him to not know what it was (unless he’s just oblivious to things like this, which I wouldn’t put past him). But then, they must be sort of similar for them to be able to have half-breeds like Erik (yeah, I may be a bit of a biology nerd. Just a bit XD).

Errors:

“she purchased some bread and was already on her back into Aedain’s clutches.” It should be “her way back” instead of “her back”

Thanks for spotting the missing word. I won't have May on her back near Aedain - that would be unsightly.

As for the Barrier Stone, no, it doesn't cause period. I inserted this as a comic relief and because only once I came across such trivial stuff being mentioned in a fantasy book ;-) As for Aedain being so oblivious, what are you expecting from a guy who was raised by Baltar?

And... thanks for commenting! I'm always looking forward to your reviews.

Actually, now I think about it I can think of a fantasy story where that happened... And it's one of my favourites, too, I can't believe I forgot about it XD

There was one grammatical error that seemed to really catch my eye for some reason

You don’t own neither Erik nor me

I would suggest writing it like. You don't own either Erik or me. Or You own neither Erik nor me. I was just trying to keep the wording similar, but the problem is that it is awkwardly worded. You also said May pretended to be tired. I think you did a pretty good job of explaining that, so you don't really need to say that. That's what I mean by tell less and show more. Other than that this was a good chapter. I loved Aedain and May tension in this chapter. It was so entertaining to read about the exchange between them. I also like Baltar's attitude. The kind where he thinks he is better than he really is. Those characters always make a great comedic relief as they tend to act like fools.

Thanks for spotting the awkward wording.

Baltar is a fool, isn't he? But he makes May's captivity more entertaining at least ;-)

Ohhh...8'( this was so sad. Poor Royse. I wonder what Zhawn's intentions are. He failed...what, 80 years ago? By the way, you don't have to spell out numbers greater that nine. Just a side note. You don't have to if you don't want to. Just like May didn't want Abrran to die. That was very witty, what Zhawn did there. Saying that she wanted him to die and loved Aedain. I bet the dukedoms are going to get angry at each other and fight even more, the alliance between Thoen and Royse broken. The end was shocking - does Royse know he's a demon? I know Zhawn hates humans. He definately has his evil plans. Is the barrier stone involved? I noticed that you haven't mentioned it lately.

I give this chapter five kisses out of five 💋💋💋💋💋/💋💋💋💋💋 because again I didn't like the gore but that's more of a personal thing. This is yet another chapter that adds more to the plot, keeps the story flowing.

P.S.:Your FictionPress account is under the name "Gosia89" and you say, I quote, "Hello, my name is unpronounceable for most of humankind, but fortunately it can be shortened to Gosia." Yeah, the 89 makes it incredibly hard to pronounce. =D

My full name - Małgorzata. Have fun trying to pronounce that and I'll get popcorn.

And sending kisses is creepy ;-)

As for the number thing, I knew that, but it doesn't look too elegant if they're not spelled out. About the political situation, you're on the right track. Thanks for reviewing!

I like how the demons aren't completely evil, and Baltar isn't completely stupid. Nice way of keeping your characters balanced and original. This chapter was amazing, it was nice to hear more about the story and learn about the demons. It makes me wonder if not all demons are evil, sorry if I said that before. I do know I talked about how they see themselves as humans, it's even more obvious here. The story is also interesting in that it shows how the strong ones aren't always the winners. Though how humans got magic and an omnipotent spear...and where they came from is still unanswered. There's still a little mystery in the story, reason to read it and find out more.

I have a different theory. Now it seems like the Laismarans resemble the Irish and the humans are like the English, I don't remember what time period that was.

I rate this chapter five mushrooms out of five 🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄/🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄because it is very well-written. As you've probably discovered, typos (like Keallach instead of Kaellach, spilling beans instead of spilling the beans, putting emphasis on Erik a couple times at the end of the chapter, etc.) don't influence the rating.

Gosh, I'm beginning to think that some angel visited you and spilled the beans ;-) You hit jackpot with the theory with Celts and Anglo-Saxons - that was the inspiration for me. Your other suspicions are going in the right direction too.

As for the cursive thing, is you spot it again, please give me a heads up. Thanks for commenting.

I think the lightness of the first part of the chapter was really good in contrast to the other half. I’m really scared for May and Erik, I’m sure Aedain will notice they’re missing and come after them… He was almost too squishy and timid in the first part, I bet he’s going to do something super creepy or murderous at some point (maybe when he notices they’re gone XD). I hope they find their way to the swamp before that happens.

The bald eagle – that was Lavena’s familiar, wasn’t it (I have a horrible memory, honestly). It looks like she’s found May and Aedain rather quickly… I think it was her that sent the mysterious figure as a decoy so that they could escape. I mean, it could be Zhawn, but that seems a little coincidental… Lavena’s magic/influence is more likely :P And Baltar should really grow some brains, honestly. He might as well have let them escape XD

Errors:

“The situation was… awkward, so say the least.” To instead of so.

“Women bleed once time.” The “once time” part of the sentence doesn’t really make sense. Personally I’d say, “women bleed occasionally” or “women bleed every so often” :P

“Not only he didn’t make a move to haul her by her wrist or arm, but also kept a considerable distance between them.” This sentence is awkwardly worded. It would be better like this: “Not only did he not make a move to haul her by her wrist or arm, he also kept a considerable distance between them.”

Thank you for the lovely review (and tracking down the mistakes).

That was a silly chapter, with lots of squishiness. I have a question about Aedain's character? In general, what do you think of him? Is he evil? Would you miss him if he died?

I do like Aedain (I know I call him creepy and murderous a lot, but it’s in a good way :P). I don’t think he’s evil, I mean he obviously does care about his race very much (like when he helps those children) although he hates humans :P I think you’ve done a good job at developing him (although I didn’t mention this before I did find it sweet when he was so worried that May had been “injured”). As for if he died… Yeah, I’d probably be sad. Not as sad as if Baltar, Erik, May, Lavena or Leif died but I would miss him :P

Yay, yet another character. I'll have to start taking notes on all these people and things. Was Sigurd in the story before? I don't remember him. Sorry if he was.

I'm glad to have met Arnstein's friend. Lavena's a good guy (lady) right? She seems like it. Arnstein trusted her. I wonder if she'll be able to help them with the problem of the demons. Though you said witches are believed  to be descendants of the demons, so I don't know why she would want to betray them.

I rate this chapter four stars out of five ⭐⭐⭐⭐/⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ because it was a very nice chapter but I would like some description on what the village looks like, just a little. The familiar too, I don't know what you meant by a chicken readied for dinner. If you want to concentrate more on the plot then ignore this, I just don't want to say that every chapter is perfect and rate it 5/5.

Thanks for the review.

Lavena is a good lady-guy. She helps humans for the same reason why some of the Germans were hiding Jews in their closets during the World War (plus she's part human too).

You're right about the descriptions - thanks for the tip.

This was by far the best chapter I have read from you! I was so happy to finally be able to put even more pieces of the puzzle together. Lavena is completely awesome. She reminds if this character Magnus Bane (I won't get into great detail, because they just share one trait in common). I really like how the plot of this story is unlike anything I have read before, yet it seems familiar. I think that is how great stories should be because I strongly believe that each story we read is the same only with different characters (Hero's Journey, archetypes, tropes, etc. cause me to believe this). I also love how Lavena is one those characters who knows exactly what is going on, but can't say. Kind of like Dumbledore. And when these characters don't speak up it just causes a mess for everyone involved. That is always fun watching it play out.

It's really difficult to come up with something absolutely original these days - every possible idea seems to be already discovered (and if you think it isn't, it just means you haven't done a thorough research).

I'm glad you liked Lavena - she'll have some badass scenes later on.

Of course. You can't have a fantasy story without a dragon =). So that's what Baltar and Aedain really are. Nice. There were a lot of typos, but besides that there wasn't much wrong with the story. Except maybe Aedain interrupting Baltar and May. I didn't really feel it, because of the way you ended their quotes. "Just about the witch..." with ellipses makes it seem as though Baltar was drifting off, not continuing his sentence but not being interrupted. However, "Just about the witch-" with a hyphen makes the sentence seem to stop more suddenly. It might also help if you got rid of the attribution (Baltar said). I liked how you talked about the second moon having different phases and not being visible that night, and the days being longer. The unique lunar and solar cycles are a neat addition to the story. I also think that May's thoughts are very natural - thinking about home, being worried about her family, and still trying to escape.

I rate this chapter five Skyloses out of five 🐺🐺🐺🐺🐺/🐺🐺🐺🐺🐺 because their conversation was fun to read and it was nice to know what Aedain's true form is.

Thanks for giving me Skyloses! You know what I like...

Thank you for the enlightening advice on grammar - I'll have a bit of editing, but I'm glad I'll be able to make the story look a bit better.

And dragons are cool, aren't they? Just like dinosaurs.

I must admit I found this chapter a little confusing. I kept forgetting where all the places were, but that’s more my own stupidity and bad memory than anything you’ve done in your writing :P I really like reading strategies and plans, so I liked the chapter despite my confusion.  Leif’s plan seems like a good one, but I’m worried. It almost seems too simple, I’m scared something bad will happen… In fact, I’m certain something will bad will happen :P

Speaking of Leif, I loved him in this chapter. He shows that he is quite smart and calculating with his strategical planning, while before he seemed like a nice guy but quite easily manipulated :P

Sure, something bad WILL happen. Otherwise it would be boring.

As for the places, it's not your fault you don't remember all the places. I need to upload the map (yup, there's a map) - even I get confused about all the rivers, mountains and generally what is where.

Something random, but I like how the horses were in this chapter. It always annoys me in fantasy stories when horses are seen as these super strong, brave animals, when actually they do get tired and are scared quite easily. So I had a bit of a “happy nerd moment” when May mentioned her horse tiring. And I found it really sad when May had to kill it, but she did the right thing, as the poor animal was suffering. Speaking of, I really loved May’s actions in this chapter. She was really brave and kept her head in the tense situation.

So, it looks like Lavena was the cause of the mysterious figure like I thought. She must be very powerful to create an illusion like that to fool Aedain. I’m worried for May, it won’t take Aedain long to find her… I hope she reaches Lavena first.

I thought it was cute when May let Erik fly on the bird before her. One thing I’d suggest (not for this chapter, but the previous ones) is to maybe have more scenes between them when they’re held captive. I can tell they have a close relationship, but personally I’d like to maybe see a little more “bonding time” :P

Errors: 

“Not only the opportunity to escape presented itself,” it should be “Not only had the opportunity to escape presented itself”

“but the truth was, that she was scared out of her wits.” It should be “but the truth was, she was scared out of her wits”

Thanks for the review. I'm glad you found May's behavior all right.

About the bonding time, I have the same opinion, but don't have enough place to squeeze such scenes in (I want the book to be of a publishable size).

Tall trees and fertile soil. Yup, you only find that in fairy tales. I liked your shark reference near the middle of the story, we don't get mentioned often in stories, so that was refreshing. I also liked May's reaction to riding Aedain, and his reaction to her reaction. It's pretty hard to make a shark smile, because of the weird mouth shape, but somehow you did it. The only thing I don't get is the tower. Is it one big hunk of stone? How did the vines make a whole, and why - isn't there a door? What is the design? Oh well. It's a tower and can do whatever it wants.

I rate this chapter four snails out of five 🐌🐌🐌🐌/🐌🐌🐌🐌🐌 because I have some questions but it was very well-written. I like your descriptions, like May getting off of Meirch and them crossing the river.

Got it! I need to fix the description of the tower (it's not made of stone, it's made of plants) and I shall proceed to do so in the due time. I'm happy about your reaction to Aedain's reaction to May's reaction ;-)

It looks like May might be going home soon… I think she will get to go home, but she won’t stay for very long. After all, there’s too much for her to do in the Callesmere Empire yet :P As for why she won’t stay long, I can’t think of a reason yet ;) Maybe she just choses to go back, I don’t know.

I wonder what Erik will think when he finds out that May is not from his world. I suppose in a way it will make them similar, as he is a half-demon and thus can’t truly belong with either the humans or demons, while she simply isn’t from the world in general. I think they will form a stronger bond because of this.

Errors:

“Erik squeezed his eyes shut when the balding eagle suddenly doved, landing” dove not doved.

“batting his almost featherless frantically, the bird struggled not to crash.” I think the word wings is missing here ;)

“She had orchestrated their escape, and she even sacrificed her own sake for Erik’s safety” life would be a better word than sake here. Even though she may not die, and therefore isn't quite sacrificing her life, sake doesn't really make sense.

Hmm... your intuition is far too good. You'll find the reason soon enough.

As for Erik-May bonding, with Aedain breathing down their necks, it would be hardly any time for it.

Thank you for reviewing and for spotting the mistakes.

I am sad to say that this is probably the last chapter I will review before I leave this site. I just wanted to say how much fun it was reading your story, and how disappointed I am not see how things romantically play out for May. I wanted to know so badly!

This chapter was filled with wild great descriptions and emotion. I love how Aedain saved the little children. I could tell how this chapter would play out by the title. Of course, I assumed someone major would die, but that did not happen. I was wondering if it ever would because I guess it depends how you do it, but when I read things without at least one death of a major character I think the author is too afraid. Prime example of this is Twilight. If the character matters then the death has meaning, and is justifiable in writing.

I really want to see this story in print one day, and I wish you the best of luck!

It's a shame you're leaving the site. It was fun reading your story and getting your reviews on mine.

As for the poor romantic development and everybody still alive, you've read only half of the book - the good part is later on ;-) Even the villain didn't have his chance to make an official appearance. Well, I'm not going to betray who will die (and don't you compare me to Twilight). Perhaps some day you'll read the book ;-)

Good luck with your story. Once again, it was good to have you here.

I found the part where Aedain was annoyed at May’s ungratefulness very funny. Mostly because he thinks she’s ungrateful for escaping from him even though he kept her alive, but he doesn’t seem to realise that maybe she’d have been more grateful if he didn’t kidnap her in the first place XD And then he tells her he won’t forgive her, but why would she want his forgiveness? XD He really doesn’t understand humans, that’s for sure. Anyway, his and May’s confrontation was very scary. I was so frightened for May the whole time, jumping on the edge of my seat and thinking, ‘noooo, don’t hurt her, don’t hurt her!’ XD I loved her defiance, when she spat at him I cheered. Those women were so cool, I was cheering for them too. Anyway, overall this was a great chapter. The action was very well written and exciting, I was holding my breath the whole time :)

Errors:

“its flakes spread wide, what meant she was on the right way.” Which instead of what.

“The clenched her teeth and got up” I’m assuming that’s she instead of the ;)

“RUN DEAD AHEAD, GIRL!” This would make more sense if it was “run straight ahead”

Yes, Aedain doesn't get certain things ;-)

Good that you found the chase scary - that's exactly what I was aiming for. May was feisty indeed - she even stabbed the [insert a vulgar word describing Aedain]. Anyway, have fun with the next chapters, they will be action-packed and full of surprises.

Thanks for commenting; it's always nice to wake up and read your reviews in the morning.

Your descriptions of May going through the mirror were great, and the threat of Aedain getting inside really kept the tension high :P Lavena is a cunning woman, without that pendant both Aedain and Zhawn can’t find the spear. I hadn’t really thought about that (about May’s presence in the world being a danger). I highly doubt she knows how to make anything that could be a threat, but I suppose Lavena doesn’t know that for sure ;) Anyway, this is an interesting turn of events. I wonder what will make May want to return to the world (or what will make her return, if she doesn’t have a choice :P)

Errors:

“blood was sipping from her injured shoulder” seeping instead of sipping.

“She failed the Erik.” Something like “She had failed Erik” would be better.

Hailey and May’s reunion was really sweet. Even though they’re not the closest of sisters (at least, they didn’t seem to be in the first chapter :P) in this one you could tell they love each other very much. I’m all emotional now (close sibling/family relationships are like my favourite kind :P). Anyway, I liked May's reactions to appearing in her world again, how she felt a little like an outsider, as she’s changed but nothing else has.

So, Maewyn’s dead. I have to admit, I didn’t expect that. To be honest, I haven't really given her much thought since the earlier chapters :P It makes sense, though, the poor girl was trapped in this world with no knowledge of technology, no wonder she got herself hit by a truck. I feel so sorry for May’s parents :( This definitely complicates things for May, now she can never really live in her world unless they somehow find out about what happened (and believe her, which is another thing altogether). I guess she has to go back, really.

Errors:

“it was the first time from a really long time since she was bathing in hot water.” In instead of from.

“So, how was on the other side?” It should be “So, how was it on the other side”

  Oh no, Lavena said that the portal cannot be opened without the key, but what if May somehow manages to open it from the other side? That could bring it back into the Callesmere empire and then Aedain/Zhawn will be able to get the spear. So it’s hidden in our world, that’s interesting. I suppose no one would ever think of looking for it there.

Does Zhawn have a group of elementally powered minions? :P First ice, now fire... I wonder what else his minions have. I must admit I’m not a fan of the “single-minded twin villains” but still I’m looking forward to their fight. I can’t help it, as a twin I’m biased to dislike them :P Aedain’s definitely underestimating them, I think. He should really be more cautious, especially when he’s injured. I have a feeling he will have a hard time defeating these two ;)

You're supposed to dislike the twins, so feel free to do it ;-) As for them, calling them "persons" would be rather far fetched - unlike Nesrin, they don't have much of a personality.

Thanks for all the wonderful reviews and sorry that it took me so long to get back to you and review your books.

Ah, underestimating your opponents can get you into serious trouble, I'm afraid. Aedain has too much pride, that's his problem XD At the moment, I'm leaning towards a "Aedain isn't really dead/will be revived" theory. It could be a "showing how badass Zhawn is by killing another badass character" thing, but he was injured, so... Surely he's got to have a decent fight with Zhawn first XD Therefore, I doubt he is dead, or at least he won't stay dead for long. This is a fantasy, after all. Anything can happen ;)

The action scenes were really well written and exciting. I must admit there was a tear in my eye when Aedain stopped them from hurting Baltar (I'm a sap when it comes to things like that XD). It's nice to see that he does truly care for him, even if he finds him annoying sometimes.

Zhawn's appearance is creepy, he reminds me of Shishio from Rurouni Kenshin, although he was covered in bandages. I wonder how he managed to survive.

You're absolutely right that pride was Aedain's problem. As for your theory about him being somehow alive, I'm not going to give any spoilers, just like with Maewyn. I'm glad you found saving Baltar heartwarming - I have weakness to such stuff too ;-) I absolutely adore when someone sacrifices himself, preferably redeeming their character in the process (like Darth Vader).

Thanks for the reviews and have fun with the next chapters. There are twenty or thirty more left.

So the spear has been found! I guess it was hidden in the modern world after all ;) It’s kind of sad that the spear has to be returned to the Callesmere Empire, where Zhawn is sure to get his hands on it at some point. Overall this was a very well-written chapter, your descriptions were amazing as usual and the plot just keeps getting better :)

And May is returning… The end with her sister was very emotional, well done. I really like Hailey, although she doesn’t appear much. She isn’t the stereotypical “favoured little sister” she has more personality than that :P There is definitely something fishy about those mirrors. It just can’t be a coincidence that May ended up falling through.

Errors:

“She touched the chain again, but the artifact shocked her again, this time it was even more painfully.” It should be something like “she touched the chain again, bit the artefact shocked her again and this time it was even more painful.”

Yup, the mirrors are fishy. Watch out when you're brushing your teeth ;-)

I'm glad you liked Hailey - I thought that even a pampered little sister is still a sister. It would be unnaturally cold-hearted of her if she didn't miss May at all.

Thank you for reviewing!

No, May, no! Don’t give the creepy fire dude the spear! Even though I was face palming when this happened, it is good for her to make mistakes like this, as it shows that she’s human and therefore not perfect.

Hah, I knew he wasn’t dead XD I’m doing a happy dance right now. I’m happy May decided to keep him alive, even though he hasn’t been the nicest to her XD She has a good heart, and she’s smart too. I have a feeling these are going to form “the most unlikely alliance”, if the title of the next chapter is anything to go by ;)

Errors:

“With a huge gush from his right shoulder all the way to his left hip it was a miracle Aedain was still alive.” Gash instead of gush

“All right, the most work was done.” This would be better as “All right, most of the work was done.”

You're not wrong about the alliance. As for the fire dude and May handing the Spear to him, it isn't really that stupid. When a guy points his gun at you and tells you to give him your wallet, you give him the damn wallet.

Thanks again for commenting and for spotting the mistakes for me. Gosh, you're catching up with the reading. I suppose I should hurry up and upload more chapters (I have about twenty more already done).

May and Aedain’s interactions were very funny in this chapter, good job with them ;) I’m looking forward to seeing how they attempt to get along… It’s going to be interesting, that’s for sure.

I really liked May in this chapter, she knows just how to manipulate him when she called him a coward and crushed his pride. Way to hit Aedain’s sore spot there :P And telling him about the spear was good too. Anyway, with May’s brains and Aedain’s strength, they are sure to make a good team (although I doubt either of them will be happy about that :P)

Errors:

“Apparently, the enemy of the deceased King Kaellach took too much pleasure in genocide than he should” I think it would be better to say “took much more pleasure”

Nesrin is so cool!!!! (excuse the bad pun).

This was definitely one of the more intriguing chapters. Who is this mysterious “Him”? Nesrin’s homeland sounds like a creepy place. I wonder what these souls are for. This is really reminding me of FMA at the moment, so my main theory of what they’re being used for relates to that… I won’t say until I get some more info :P

Errors:

“Both gave Nesrin the identical mocking smirks.” It should be “both gave Nesrin identical mocking smirks”

I'm glad you're cool with Nesrin (ah, those bad puns).

As for your theory, I won't tell you if you're right, because I haven't watched FMA.

Very good chapter, and while I didn't expect such a drastic departure from the prologue it wasn't a bad thing. In fact, I quite liked it. I can empathize with May to a degree, especially in regards to her overbearing mother. I actually felt quite bad for the poor girl by the end. 

I enjoyed the part with the mirror. Pretty surprising that Hailey was right about it and since May's dad specifically told her to unpack everything, I'm curious if he knew what the mirror would do to her. I know I'm probably reaching there :P

Nice work so far! Will keep reading!

Thanks for the lovely review.

I'm glad you liked the protagonist. I'll surely pick up reading your book where I left, after I finish "Mystic Mirror" (I'm writing the last two chapters now).

I think it was a good idea to have Hailey be captured by Zhawn – it just gives May another extra bit of motivation ;) There was lots of interesting information in this chapter, I think it did a good job of shedding some more light on Aedain’s character. I feel sorry for him. After all, his father was a nice guy, kind to humans, and look where that got him… I don’t blame Aedain for hating humans as much as he does, but I hope he realises there are good humans as well as bad ones. I think it’ll be a while before he does, though, if he even does at all ;) I’m also curious about Zhawn’s rebellion… I hope we get more info on his motivations soon :P

Errors:

“May gritted her teeth, noticing that due the daydreaming she slowed down and made a decision to focus on getting to her sister rather than on her worries.” It should be “due to daydreaming”

Oh, so Aedain’s lost the use of his left arm… That’s an interesting development, even if it’s only temporary (but who knows, maybe it will be permanent…). I guess it will depend on the extent of his healing abilities – maybe there are some injuries that even demons can’t fully recover from. Poor guy, everything’s just going wrong for him lately XD

Anyway, I liked the bit where he was thinking of how he respected May… It’s a good sign of his character development, and maybe he’ll begin to realise humans aren’t all that bad.  I sense a bit of (hopefully, for me anyway XD) unrequited love on the horizon… I’d still rather their relationship remain platonic (at least, from May’s POV) but I am beginning to warm up to the idea if that is what you’re intending… XD Sorry, I know I’m not really a normal girl about this sort of thing :P

Errors:

“Thinking of exhausting, May began to feel the fatigue”. This sentence is a bit confusing. I think it might sound better if it was something like: “Speaking of exhausting, May began to feel fatigued”.

Interesting, so Nesrin and the others were humans originally… I have a feeling Nesrin is going to defect to the “good guys” at some point. Or rather, I hope she does, because she’s cool (sorry again with the puns) and she’d be an interesting ally…

My guess is that Zhawn is using the souls to help himself gain lots of power, or something… But then they said it didn’t work for demons, and he’s a demon. But maybe there’s a different mechanism or something. Anyway I think he survived using a large number of souls, either that or someone revived him but he has to collect lots of souls in return to repay his debt… I have lots of ideas at the moment, honestly ;) Still, he’s a creep. That poor baby…

It was cute when Baltar wanted to protect Erik… I like him, he has a heart. It’s sad that he thinks Aedain is dead, but I don’t think he’ll find out his fate for a while.

Gosh, I’m worried for Hailey… Perhaps the next time May sees her, she won’t recognise her. I wonder what powers she’ll get, if they do go ahead and transform her...

Thanks for the reviews.

As for Zhawn, one of your theories is actually quite close to the truth.

I'm glad you thought that introducing Hailey to the story was a good call - I had tons of doubts about this. It does give May a stronger motivation though.

About the possible romantic plot between May and Aedain, my lips are sealed ;-) Perhaps if he didn't gave her the splendid first impression as a psychopath with an intention to commit a genocide on an entire human race, he would have some chance for romance. Oh well, Aedain is definitely about to have even more hard time later on.

Okay, I think this I where I left off. I skimmed the last few chapters to check and I think this is it. It felt a little familiar at first but I know I haven't read that ending.

That was a pretty fast-paced way for me to get back into this story. I actually made progress on writing for the first time in a while so I've been more focused on that, but I keep forgetting I owe you like a bajillion reviews. I'm determined to finish this, don't worry! :D

Now, I don't know why but I'm starting to get attatched to the demons. Like, I don't feel as if they're all that bad. Baltar cracks me up sometimes and Aedain has his moments where you go "hmm, is he really as bad as we think?"

I also think the new May shone through a little in this chapter. Her development as a character has been a little rough picking up on but it's still noticeable, and that's a good thing. She's certainly become a stronger leading lady than she started out as, mentally and physically. She's an interesting character.

I think I've said this before, but I love the way you write, especially in fast paced scenes!

Sorry, that's all for tonight, but I think I ought to go to bed early for once in my life. I've been such a grouch recently. Good work, as always. ~

Thanks for the review! No worries about owing me a bunch of those - I understand that when you're focused on your writing, the world could collapse around you and you would hardly notice ;-) Now, seriously, I'm currently busy with the last chapter and I'm behind on reading your chapters as well.

I'm like that you like the demons, even though they're a pair of nasty douche bags. I'm also glad that you noticed the evolution of May's character.

Once again, thanks for the review. Read again when you'll have time.

Well, guess my premonition was wrong. They're just douchebags.   Oh yikes, the last chapter. The hardest part is easily the final line. :p

What a nice chapter. I haven't read Mystic Mirror in a while, but it wasn't too hard to understand. I was waiting for Aedain to see through Lavena's ruse. He's kind of stupid, not even thinking about the possibility of her being his prey. I really liked your dialogue, it was very interesting seeing the way they react to each other. May keeps pushing it, and Aedain doesn't want to kill her because he's in love. I thought Baltar liked May too but I guess he's completely interested in May now. And Erik just watched them. I wonder what would have happened if May had said his name. Is he famous or something?

Grammatically, a little look-over wouldn't hurt. There are a few typos and awkward phrasing. I'm wondering what happened to the balding eagle (nice play on words) because he wasn't mentioned. Other than that, like I said, the dialogue is amusing. I also like the way Baltar and Lavena are thinking. Very clever.

That's about it. Thanks for the reading experience. Peace =D

Thanks for the review. It's a very belated thanks.

The balding eagle will return.

And you're right about Aedain's intelligence - he's not the smartest around (and Baltar is a complete idiot). Having both muscles and brains would be too much for those two ;-)

Ah, so Maewyn must be May in an alternate universe then. This should be good! I'm quite interested to see how Maewyn will react to being tossed into our modern world, especially since she's clearly a noble lady and May is... well, not.

Also, something makes me feel as though these mirrors aren't just showing up at the exact same time in these women's lives by accident. I'm thinking someone somewhere is pulling the strings to set this up.

I love your descriptions in this chapter (and overall as well). The way you describe the scenes, particularly the garden, is very well written and really helps bring the reader in and make them feel as though they're really there.

I also liked May's reaction to finding herself in this strange world. She quickly goes from a dream, to Narnia, and then to a TV prank show! Love it!

Honestly, I have such conflicting feelings about the demons. Sometimes I'm convinced Aedain and Baltar are just as evil as they're supposed to be, while other times I feel like there's a softer side. I do believe you told me that wasn't the truth somewhere along the lines, but it certainly does feel that way. Don't get me wrong, I'm no big fans of the demons (although I enjoy Baltar's humor) but I can't help but feel like they aren't all bad. You did a good job explaining Aedain's behavior and his compassion towards the other Laismarians. (hope I spelled that right.) However, this is just my personal problem as I don't think other readers are encountering this, but the conflicting feelings I'm getting about the demons are starting to nag me. I am all for complex characters, especially villians, but May's not a Laismarian yet Aedain is still quite compassionate, at least sometimes, towards her.

Otherwise I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter. There wasn't much happening action-wise, but there was some good character building as well as world building. With each chapter May grows on my even more- her character development is excellent. She's got a smart mouth on her, which is always enjoyable from a character. She's not afraid of the demons, which shows her strength as a character. However, while she's a strong leading lady, she's not cold, and is instead very warm and considerate, and you do a good job of showing it.

One of this novel's strong points is certainly the characters. Every individual one is well-developed and different, which makes for easily relatable and connectable characters. I am curious to see where the story is going at this point, as I have my suspicions. I suppose I'll just have to keep reading.

Thank you for the lovely review.

As for the demons, your reaction to them is right. They are somewhere between ordinary douche bags and evil incarnated. They have a just cause, but not from the humans' point of view. I'm glad that they didn't come out as two pieces of cardboard.

Has the importance of the spear been explained before? If so, I forgot, but if not, well, it might have helped the reader get a "Oh shit" moment from Zhawn's statement. Whatever this spear is, I have a feeling that if Aedain can manage to get his hands on it bad things will go down.

The sorceress, Lavena, is in May's home Dukedom, correct? I believe she was, but it's been quite a while since I've read this story. (My bad, I do apologize.)

This was a short chapter, but it did a good job of moving the plot forwards. I'm expecting something major to happen in the next five chapters or so, but I could be wrong!

By the way, the ending paragraph was spectacular. Would look excellent in a movie.

As for the Spear, all that has been explained so far, is that it's awesome and powerful (and everybody wants it). The details are vague at this point of the plot.

About the geography,

Lavena's home is situated at the border of three Dukedoms: Farn (May's current home), Dulheim and Rimmisth. Unfortunately, there are a bunch of details and I didn't get the opportunity to upload the map (yes, there is one). Without it, navigating through the Callesmere Empire may get confusing.

Thanks for the reviews. I'll try to get to Carriers as soon as possible - I saw you added ten chapters or so. I'm trying to make my way through the reviews I owe.

Don't rush yourself, I'm more focused with finishing the final chapters! I think I'm still the one who's in debt, anyways. Alas, I'll have to check out the map.

Oh, Aedain’s definitely got a thing for May... If it wasn’t obvious before, it is now ;) I feel kind of sorry for him, as it would definitely take a lot (and I mean a LOT) for her to like him back. Poor guy. I feel bad for him, but at the same time he kind of deserves it.

I liked the conversation with Herdis and the others. I wonder what May will do now that she has a part in the starting of this war (well, it was Aedain, but she probably thinks some of the fault is her own).

Oh no, the ending… I wonder who it was that made Leif scared for May’s life. I guess she’s about to find herself in a lot more trouble… XD I think perhaps they are all about to be captured and used as souls for Zhawn to do whatever it is he’s planning to do. That could explain why they only let a certain number through at a time.

Errors:

“The incredibly heavy iron door was wide opened”. Open instead of opened.

“he looked quite innocent for a man who didn’t even wink before killing people.” Blink instead of wink.

Thanks for the review!

It's pretty obvious at this point that Aedain has a crush on the heroine, huh? You're right, it would take him an awful lot to squeeze some love out of May - I'm not a fan of Stockholm syndrome. Perhaps if he haven't tried to choke her to death...

Anyway, thanks again and have fun discovering what trouble May got herself into.

Ooohhh Leif so loves May. I can't wait to see how they react when they find out the truth. Only Lavena knows. I wonder if she would have tried taking her if she were to go back in time to when she saw her. 

A few errors. You often use "the" when referring to body parts when it should be "his." His hair. I didn't get it when you said that the man's flesh was black but his skin was red. Keep in mind that flesh is meat, on the inside, and you said the wound was shallow. You called Lavena "he" once at the beginning and again at the end, which I find rather rude. You used the present tense, one time getting the present and past perfect (has/had done) mixed up. Because you are writing in the past tense, you should say had. You Also said "the Thoen" once.

I apologize if this comment seems a little negative, I really did enjoy the chapter. I liked the beginning, the way you said it made it really interesting. The way you kept the chapter going was pretty fluent, it was awkward at times and a little fast-paced but it was easy reading. I didn't get confused once, and I get confused a lot. Not with your story but in general. It's pretty clear, and I feel for the characters. Duke Thoen seemed especially realistic as his concern for May is obvious.

Thanks for the review!

I never get upset when you point out the grammatical shortcomings, so don't stop doing that please - it's a great help.

Leif's affection is pretty obvious, isn't it?

(the flash/skin is black when there is necrosis)

I liked your description of the battle at the start. It was rather gory, but I like that… I think your portrayal of war is quite realistic, it seemed very believable. Especially the part where the soldiers weren't quite sure who they were killing when they're all covered in blood :P Once again I find all the different kingdoms confusing, but that might just be me XD I can remember Farn and Karhadon, but the others… I still feel sorry for Royse about his son, but at the same time I think he’s an idiot. Surely he should know that Zhawn is not to be trusted! XD I hope Duke Thoen and the others can stop him before it’s too late…

Thanks for commenting.

I wish there was an option to add a high resolution image, because it's only natural that you're confused about the dukedoms. Without the map before my eyes, I would be confused as hell too ;-)

Wow, this chapter sure did give a different perspective. Up until now I hadn't thought of the demons in child form. 

I forgot to tell you that, in the last chapter, you said how did he look instead of what did he look like. For this chapter, there were a few more mistakes. Do you know what an attribution is? It's telling who said a quote, like she said in "Hello," she said. That's where most of your errors seem to be. You don't need to say that May was talking to Baltar when she called him by name. "She tried speaking" seems awkward to me. You could say  something like, "...she said, trying to speak..." instead. I'm not too sure about this, but "...said firmly and set his gaze..." would sound better (in my opinion) if you broke it up: "...said firmly. He set his gaze on Aedain's back." I've never seen "hissed out," usually it's just hissed. Same with "hold his eyes," where I would say "keep his eyes." Open, that is. Angered mobs would be "angry mobs." You said form instead of from and "a quite a" instead of "quite a." Sort of near the end you said, "Over the time distance..." or something like that. It took me a while to realize that you meant, "Over time the distance between..." You used time in the same sentence, which sounded repetitive, and you also said now. "Now," like "has seen," is using the present tense. It should be past tense. I would say, "The girl - wait no, MAY ;) - tried to catch up." Lastly..."a stare reserved for worms." That's another Polish expression, right? I've been looking for those since I found the first one. I've never heard someone say that before, so it was pretty amusing. -------:) That's a worm, I'd like to see how you stare at it. 

Gosh, it took me a while to do all the edits, you suggested. You were quite nit-picky, even for you (thanks!).

As for the stare reserved for worms, it's not a Polish expression. It's supposed to be funny.

Fortunately I get to review twice today. If it didn't take so long I would have read the whole thing by now. Knowing your love of blood and gore, I thought that someone was going to rip Aedain's heart out or something. Now I feel bad...he isn't that bad.   Kind of. 

At the end Baltar said that Aedain cares about all demons, but he killed the falcon demon in chapter 7 and expressed his disgust toward that clan. Another thing is those attributions. You said, "'We are 

going back to the river,' Aedain 

glanced at the mermaid children." Glancing isn't a synonym for said so the comma should be a period. And you called the baby an it. Many times. That's...pretty sad, actually. And you mentioned it drowning. Can it, even though he's a mermaid? Or should I say, merboy? 

I really like how you have the two sides, human and demon. I know that in WW1 the demons will gain their independence and the south part will become the Republic of Callesmere, and the humans will go back to wherever  they came from (don't think you've mentioned that). I feel like a human when I'm reading this, it is so captivating. 

P.s.: Sorry if the wording and paragraphs look funny, I'm typing this on my phone.

Fish and marine mammals are capable of drowning.

I'm glad that someone is enjoying the political aspect of the story instead of the kissy-stuff. Maybe the demons will recreate their country after over 100 years of not existing on the map (like my country).

And, of course, thank you for reviewing.

Oh no, she's going to get the Duke! And Leif! Is Nesrin some kind of snow witch? I'm wondering whether she's good or bad. Then again I'm thinking that way about a lot of people. Except for May, of course.

First of all, "news" is like "water" in that both aren't measured like, "Hey, look! I have three news and nine waters!" They are both treated as singular words. "s wrath" should say "wasn't good" since news is one collection things that are new and water is a collection of water molecules. Am I making sense? If not don't be afraid to tell me or ask questions. In the next sentence you said "back from" when it should be "back to." You also said "the Karhadon's haven." You don't need "the" because you said "Karhadon's." Million in "she whispered before turning into million snowflakes that glided toward the sky." should be "into a million snowflakes..."

This was yet another interesting chapter. Short but informative, it keeps the plot flexible but stable (like the U.S. constitution) in that the chapters are related but give different views/perspectives of the story and its characters. It's a lot less boring this way, nice job.

All hail the reviewer (that is thank you for the review).

You don't have to explain thoroughly all of the mistakes. Most of them are familiar to me and are a product of slipping concentration on writing, not lack of knowledge. I appreciate it though - you enlightened me about quite a number of things (like the girl-problem).

This chapter was very good. I’m very interested where Aedain and Leif’s alliance of sorts… I found their interaction in the chapter funny, for some reason… I don’t know, but I’m interested to see more :3 I liked May’s defiance at the end, too. I really like her spirit and courage, hopefully she continues to make those soldiers annoyed, when she wakes up, at least :P

“He wondered why did Karhadonian soldiers kidnap civilians, what purpose was in this madness.” This sentence is a bit strangely worded. It should be something like “He wondered why did the Karhadonian soldiers kidnap civilians, what purpose was in this madness?”

“Cry? This woman never cries” That instead of this.

Good, that scene was supposed to be funny (sort of), even though Aedain was snacking on poor kidnapped guys. Have fun with reading the rest of the chapters.

Thanks for reviewing!

Chapter 62:

I'm still loving this book. I can't wait to read more.

Thanks for the kid comment. The rest of the chapters will be uploaded slowly but surely (at least once a week, probably more often).

That was so sad :( I like Baltar and Lavena, so I hope they’re still alive… But I doubt it. I think at least one of them will truly be dead. It was heart-wrenching how they sacrificed their lives (or freedom if they don’t die) so Erik could escape.

Nesrin continues to intrigue me. I’m certain she’ll turn against Zhawn at some point, and I’m really interested to see how it happens. Maybe she will talk to May at some point, and they may agree to work together... I don't know :P

I was confused by the Duke acting so kind to May, when he thinks she got his son killed deliberately. At first I thought it must be some strange ruse to get her inside so he could kill her himself for revenge or something. I suppose that could still be true, but I must say I didn’t expect him to still have Abbran’s bones all gross and decayed. Maybe the murder of his son drove him insane with grief, or maybe Zhawn did something to him…

“His stomach growled, demanding nutrition, but he ignored the all too known melody.” “All too familiar” instead of “all too known” would be better here.

“Erik nodded and took a look at the muscled biceps”. It should be “his muscular biceps” instead of “the muscled biceps”. Also, I find it strange he is saying muscled biceps, when the biceps are a muscle… I think it would be better to say “upper arm” or something like that :P

Thanks for reviewing (again)!

I pity Baltar and Lavena too... Blatar isn't that bad, huh?

As for Nesrin, you might be right about her (or not).

Duke Royse is pretty insane. Well, he wasn't a reasonable man from the beginning. After all, he let Zhawn into his castle.

That was a nice bit of foreshadowing you have there. At the ending, I mean. And everywhere else. Aedain was so trying to impress May by ripping his shirt off and throwing her. I'm guessing. Now that she thinks he's hot, it's going to get pretty awkward.

I'm no going to say much for the errors, I don't want to offend you again by saying things you already know. Just know that some of the things I told you before are here too, and there are some more typos.

I'm not sure how realistic it is that May is experiencing some sort of...up-and-down thing. One moment she's happy, then she's mad, and happy again, then mad, and so on. She seems to enjoy it at times. Although it isn't too bad because the story is less grim. It just has a changing tone.

I like the way you described their thoughts, while it was awkward that makes it more colorful and understandable. I also like how you made the chapter a bit different - a lot of them have May and Aedain arguing, and doing awkward things - by making the others notice and May thinking that Aedain is good-looking.

You made a map, right? I think you should post a "video" of it YouTube and add the link to the book details page or something like that. Just suggesting.

Is there anything else that you would like to see in these reviews?

Thanks for the review!

You're right, Aedain is trying hard to impress May with his abs (and it's apparently working).

As for the map, I'm still counting on the site's administrators and I hope to upload it in the future. Without it, it may get a little confusing.

I enjoyed you pointing out the mistakes - not necessarily giving very long lectures, but at least mentioning what kind of mishaps and typos you noticed.

Well, both Aedain and May have been both foolish and smart. Anything could happen. I'm waiting for Aedain to say something along the lines of, "No! I love you, woman! Will you marry me?" and May will kill him. Then a bunch of leprechauns take May back home (with Erik), but Baltar is with them, enraged by the death of his only friend and ready to avenge him. Then the stage is set for the sequel... o_o

I find all (some of) these terms slightly confusing, I thought Aedain was looking for the Spear, and the key was for that. How do the mirror (the one that died, thanks to Maewyn's clumsy maid) and the portals relate? Wasn't the scroll about...never mind. I'm probably just being stupid again.

This chapter was very action-packed, and the decisions made like May throwing the scroll in the fire were very clever. Also the little things, like "calmly devoured," "you know what people do in bushes," and Erik's hog. Nice chapter.

I like your idea for the plot. Are you a seer perhaps?

About the confusing magical stuff, it will become very clear in chapter no 51, so please hang on!

Thank you for reviewing, by the way. I'll get to NC in a while.

I knew it! I knew it was Nesrin! She and and Zhawn are such evil geniuses! They hate everybody, right? No? He hates Kaellach and Aedain, but they're demons and hate humans. Well...Nesrin isn't a demon, is she? She has blue eyes. Is she...I don't know if I've said this before, but I think she's Erik's mother. Gosh, I keep forgetting what you say...I need to take notes...

For errors, there aren't many. I had a hard time picturing the throne room. How many people were there, how big it was, why Leif was there in the first place. How much time had passed since his last reference, in the other chapter? You made it seem like it had been quite a while.

I liked this chapter for the same reasons as the last one: all the thoughts going through everybody's heads, and the decisions being made. It was also easy to read.

Erik's mother is dead - he's an orphan (but that was in the beginning of the book). 

Thanks for the review! (if you have some grammar mistakes to point out, don't be shy)

Do my eyes deceive me? Did Aedain smile happily? I guess he really isn't all bad, though still pretty evil. And Baltar, I'm starting to think that he's actually on the humans' side. He doesn't get along well with Aedain but he does with May, and was talking to Aedain about a tough enemy. He looks to me like a double agent. And he's older than Aedain if I interpreted things right. Otherwise they're like a family, with Aedain being the dad, Baltar the mom, Erik the son, and the girl the daughter.

I know you probably are aware of this and they are just typos, but I wanted to say a few things. One is the difference between rise and raise. Rise is to raise yourself, like sitting up, and to raise is like saying to lift. You said persons once. Lastly, this (?!) a question mark and an exclamation mark, together, don't usually go together in formal writing, just like multiple ones (!!!) (???) so when you get this book published you might want to remove one.

I don't get how someone can be "napping while walking" (middle of story, "Aedain glanced at...") unless you're talking about sleepwalking or walking tiredly/drunkenly.

Your plot is really well thought out, just as in the rest of the story. Every event leads logically into the next one, and aren't too predictable. I like how there are still subtle funny parts in the story. Call me weird, but I kind of laughed a little when Aedain was holding May by the wrist because in my mind's eye it looked like they were holding hands. Baltar's dialog is also pretty funny.

Thanks for the review. The grammar tips were helpful.

Baltar as a double agent? Hmm... Not a bad idea.

About napping while walking? You never did that? It looks like a classic zombie walk. You need to have a good sense of balance and be extremely tired.

I'm glad you found that almost-holding-hands situation funny; I was targeting such reaction.

No comment for the ending... 0_()

There isn't much to say. The chapters get better and better, May is making more choices, and gives it thought so the reader can think about what they read do in her place. Should she stay? Should she take the stone with her and see what happens if she touched Aedain with it? Warn the people? Very nice.

Other thoughts: I'm wondering how rare these barrier stones are. I didn't expect there to be one in the middle on nowhere. And Aedain was woried about her, which was interesting. He must still love her.

Oh, at first I thought she just left him there. I thought she was going to find a safe place for Erik to stay, because she did tell him so. She's a lying ************************.

About the thing at the beginning, I don't know if it's because I'm a boy or where I live...that was pretty awkward. Looking back I don't feel as uncomfortable as I did then, but it was really unexpected. In America 16 is too young to discuss/read about stuff like that...a lot of people my age and younger do, but it's still taboo. I don't know how it is in your country. I'm not saying you should get rid of it, it was an interesting idea, but like I said. It wouldn't hurt to warn us about the more mature topics. Maybe in the description, you could say something like, "Rated T for blood, gore, and suggestive themes," or something like that. I don't personally have any problems with it (anymore), but if my parents found out they probably wouldn't let me read this book anymore. So yeah...

Besides, there a few other things I found. On terms of repetition (it's not just me yay), you talk about Aedain "gracing" May with different looks, quite often. That's all that I could find though.

Aedain talked about his father. I wonder if he still feels a little love for him. At first I thought the guy who sold the horses was mute, thought I guess it's just shock because he was able to speak a little.  I like that, because a lot of books make people talk way more than they should. It's really unrealistic. Gratz, you appeals to those of us who are speechless at times.

... <--- (that's what it looks like)

You might want me to say, "Wait! Gosia, what'll happen to the demons???" Well, I just did. In case you didn't get that, I'll ask it again. Actually, no. I won't. I guess that's all for the review.

Um... I didn't think that the suggestive topic from this chapter is that much of taboo for teenagers, since it's more about human biology (like giving birth) than indiscreet baby-making activities. Girls are familiar with it when they are quite young. I remember it being taught in biology class when I was about 12, so I figured out boys won't view it as a taboo either. However, it's only fair that I issue a warning for all who don't want to read about the wonders of female body.

Thinking of warnings, feel yourself warned about the chapters called "Captured" and the ones that follow it. There will be plenty of blood and violent scenes later on (death scenes).

As for Aedain's dad, almost everyone like their dads, at least a little.

Like I said, I'm not personally offended or anything. I'm just saying that some people might be. Thanks for the warning though.

Hmmm, I’m assuming the woman at the end was Nesrin? I don’t see who else it could be ;) What will she do, when she finds Erik has touched the spear? I think she’ll try and protect him from Zhawn’s wrath. I could be wrong, but I think I am biased because I really want her to defect to their side xD. She’s cool (the puns again, sorry I can’t help myself :P) and I want to learn more about her and how she and the other two came into existence.

“Maybe he was still a child, but even he knew what that meant” a better way to word this would be “He might still be a child, but even he knew what that meant”

You really root for Nesrin to abandon the dark side, don't you? She's a nice person, I admit ;-) But I think that of all my characters, I even like Zhawn and sometimes root for him (not too much though, I've got to remember he's the villain).

Thanks for commenting!

Of course I do! She’s awesome not to. See, I resisted the puns that time ;) She and May are tied for my favourite characters.

Gosh, Royse has certainly got a few screws loose. I thought of him as a bit of an idiot before, for trusting Zhawn, but now I see he’s just a bit crazy :P Anyway, I like how May thought of her sister when faced with her impending death. It shows that she’s good-hearted and selfless.

As for Aedain, I wonder how long it will take him to realise that he’s in love with May. I mean, he’s been yammering on about the spear for God knows how many chapters and here he is potentially giving it up to save her? That dude’s got it bad ;) I feel bad for him, but at the same time he deserves it :P

And gosh, Aedain’s very protective of his sword, isn’t he? xD Sorry, I have a very dirty mind… I see double entendres everywhere. I cracked up for like five minutes while reading that… I’m very mature, I’m sure you can tell.

 “the signs of upcoming war, which would swallow Karhadon.” I think this would be better phrased “the signs of an upcoming war which would swallow Karhadon.”

Great! You noticed how awfully nice May is (I'm happy because I added this part recently).

As for Aedain realizing anything, I wouldn't count on him doing that quickly - thinking is not his forte, as you may have noticed ;-)

I get what you mean about the innuendos - I have the same problem sometimes and I find it rather positive. At least I have more reasons to laugh.

Again, thanks for reviewing.

This was quite a nice little chapter. It was interesting, and inspires a little thought. Why was Royse making ships? Why don't they just try to reinforce the treaty, go on some sort of diplomatic mission? Why does Royse want to fight? I'm guessing that Zhawn and Nesrin had something to do with this. They might have even overthrown Royse (sorry if that's not what happened).

The chapter was very easy to understand too, even for a half-brained fish like myself. I know what Farn, Karhadon and Dulgard are and their relationships.

It must be hard for Duke Thoen and Leif to go through with all this when they could try to get May. I wonder what they will think when they find out that she's from the real world.

Oh no. Aedain's going to kill May. His reactions were pretty realistic, not giving up in trying to defeat the illusion thing. One thing I found weird is his calling Baltar a dragon, while he previously told May that he preferred the word Leismaran. It's interesting though that Baltar helped him realize that it was an illusion. If not, Aedain probably would have chased it all day. While Baltar let May and Erik escape, he got Aedain to go look for May. Like I keep saying, this story is so well thought out.

May still has a lot of decisions to make, from letting Erik ride the balding eagle to killing the horse. This is great, because it's more engaging and interesting.

On terms of typos, there were several but I can tell that they are just typos. Some are problems with articles (some plant, the Riada Swamp), misspelling (dulheinm) and tense (you could fly). There are more, those are just examples. Otherwise it is well written.

The thing about being a Laismaran and dragon is comparable to you being a human and an American. You can be both at the same time (probably).

And thanks for commenting.

This chapter cleared up a little. It looks like the different characters weren't on the same page. Erik knows more than I thought, and of course Lavena knows a lot, but they don't know everything. The conversation was put together well, and I could feel the emotions. I would be confused too if I found out that my friend was an alien, which is surely how Erik must be feeling.

I would like to know what happened to the balding eagle (let's call him Alex) after he crash-landed. They completely ignored him. And if Alex was smart enough to track May down and wait until she was away from Aedain, why was he okay with taking Erik instead? Maybe he could tell that Erik had information to tell Lavena.

They're so close to realizing that May was from the world beyond the veil. I hope to get a better idea of how they describe it. A "dark, mythical land" is interesting.

Wow. This chapter was really dramatic, it was nice to see some action. There were moments of hope but also moments of doubt, and the events overall were captivating. The little details like her almost getting caught in the spirits' friendly fire and their being able to wound him were nice touches. The way she thought that the clearing would be safe (when she first entered) was nice too.

I was surprised to find out that Aedain was actually going to spare May. Of course, he didn't know that she lied to him. But still, it made me wonder what outcomes would have resulted if the characters had acted differently.  

I forgot to ask how May's leg didn't break when the horse fell on her. She is really good at moving and thinking quickly despite all her injuries. That didn't distract from the story though, I'm sure you have your reasons.

Thanks for all the reviews.

As for May not breaking her leg, there was a lot of mud. Besides, you don't get your bones shattered every time when a horse chooses to squash your leg under its body. I used to ride when I was younger, so I know from my personal experience. I got tramped on several times and fell off more them 20 times, but it's not like with the guy who played Superman and then suddenly was paralyzed. In other words, that stunt has been tried out by yours truly ;-)

The story keeps getting better and better. I knew Erik was going to be left behind, but I still had hope. It's going to get really complicated now. She'll have to get back somehow to save Erik, right? I guess now Aedain can't do much, since she has the pendant. Though he could still try. And is Maewyn still in the house?

Your descriptions are good, and I like how you described the teleportation. Getting caught in the Veil is a fascinating concept.

Something I don't understand is whether the tower is made of vines only on the walls, or on the floors too. The ceiling of the underground cellar was stone. For errors, they're the same ones as before. An inconsistency is American/British English. Gray and 'til are American, while grey and till are British. It's not that important, but I felt like I should tell you. You seem to use more American English, so I would go with that. Also because Americans are awesome.

Oh, one more thing. Near the middle you said, "There was magic at work here" at the paragraph that started with "May jumped." Not only should it be "there," but there being magic was kind of obvious. It was a little funny though, so if that's what you intended you could leave it.

Thanks for spotting the mistakes. I use American English, but since it was British English, I was familiar with in my childhood, I tend to mix them sometimes (unfortunately). If you find any other glitch like that, feel free to tell me the difference, because I might just not know which form to use.

So far the mood for the story hasn't been too happy or sad, but this chapter is probably the sadest. She finally got home, but Erik will probably die and her family thought she did. How could things ever be right again? It seems like the story is about over, but there's still at least 16 chapters left.

The way May and Hailey acted seemed pretty realistic. I guess Hailey didn't faint because she was prepared. She's still in character, but shows her love for May. It would be interesting if Maewyn had survived. I kind of feel sorry for her, because her family said that she was very nice.

A couple things were slightly awkward. One is calling a cross a sacred weapon near the beginning. Not sure whether we're thinking of the same kind of cross. Also, it was a bit cliche at parts, like, "She looked almost like before now, as though nothing had changed. Perhaps it was so on the outside, but May felt that inside she wasn’t the same girl anymore. Oh well. The book wouldn't be as moving if you hadn't said that =)

I think I'm addicted to this story. I can't stop reading. Sadly I might not be able to read very much this week because of school, but I'll read when I can. Seriously, this book is better than some published ones I've read.

Oh no, you got addicted! Well, it's better to get addicted to books than drugs or alcohol ;-)

Thanks for the kind praise and the review. Some of the stuff is pretty cliche, I admit, but it's the best way to squeeze some tears from the girls. For some reason, we like those over-used patterns.

I'm also glad you found the interaction between the sisters believable.

Another good chapter. I enjoyed the action scenes, they were very well written and exciting. It was very heart-warming how Aedain risked his life to save May. He’s definitely changed a lot over the course of the story, that’s for sure ;)

To be honest, I find Leif’s character a little… bland, I suppose you could say. At the moment he kind of reminds me of those dudes from fairy tales who love the princess and want to save her for no apparent reason. At the beginning of the story when he appeared I felt he had more personality. I enjoy his interaction with Aedain but I’m not really getting much of a feel for his character aside from his love for May and his bravery. I mean, there’s plenty of time for him to be developed, but right now I feel he pales in comparison to Aedain in terms of character development and stuff. At the moment, I actually like Aedain more than him, which for me is very weird (I tend to like the "nice guy" over the "bad boy"). Maybe it’s just because we don’t know much about him yet. Don’t get me wrong, I do like him but I feel like he’s kind of just there at the moment. Sorry for being whiny!

“At fist sparkle of happiness appeared in his eyes, but soon vanished.” There’s a typo on first, and it should be “at first a sparkle”

Also, there were a few times early in the chapter where some random words were italicised.