Sparkatale

I was really impressed with this story. I enjoyed your writing style, and found no major issues except for the occasional error. It flowed smoothly and the imagery I received from descriptions you wrote were excellent. I wasn't expecting there to be as much action as there was, which was a great thing, as it made the long chapters seem to go by quicker. Truthfully, the only restraint keeping my rating at a 5 star is the length of the chapters. Some of them were, well, incredulously long, and it's not a bad thing, but I found myself skimming more times than I should have. It just gets rather strenuous to read, especially for me, as I have slight attention issues. The story would be easier to follow as well as easier to settle into if the chapters were broken up. I also really enjoyed the characters in this story, and most of them feel very distinct and contrast one another. You seem to have a good grip on your skills as a writer as well as who your characters are, and it combines to make some great elements of a story. Also, sorry is this review is very vague, I'm used to tackling individual chapters, not stories as a whole.

A pretty solid read overall. A unique take on that of a zombie apocalypse, and although the general storyline has been used several times there's a certain approach to this story that makes it more likeable. The writing style is nice and fluid an the attempt of a large-scale telling reminds me of The Stand in some ways. The characters could use a little more to them but they still feel like real people to the reader.

This is indeed a crucial point in the story, and I'm glad you liked it, as sad as it was. Shay's reaction was rewritten multiple times.

Bodies would float after a period of time, yes, but sometimes first they sink. It is not always a sink or float situation. Shay was behaving in that way because of her immense grief, but it was a potential truth that her body could get entangled in underwater roots, rocks, or reeds and never resurface.

Sorry this took so long...

Whew, that was quite a long read. Looking at the word count of the chapters I have yet to read, the numbers are daunting. Do not worry, not a bad thing. I'm impossibly impressed by how you could write such a long thing, and even more so that you managed to hold my attention flawlessly. I'm known for concentration issues, so I would give yourself an even bigger pat on the back for that.

Your writing is simply elegant. I have found many wonderful writers on here, but you do stand out to me. Smooth and beautiful prose, but not massively wordy for a fantasy epic. It's great. You have an excellent vocabulary, and using your words you gave me visions of children trapped in a room consumed by orange flame to the murder of a king. I don't just feel like I'm reading, but as if I am there, observing the characters in their strife. (There was a whole lot of that here.)

You had a fantastic setup. I'm excited to see where this goes. I wish I could be of more use to you, but I could not find much wrong with the chapter. Emotion was there, as was the sensory writing, and the high-tension scenes. It's great.

I think this is where you left off as well.

I won't say anything about the nature of Marena's fate, because I always want you to read on, but... You've said the right answer in there somewhere. Is she saved by Shay or does she die? Well, I won't tell you!

Thank you for catching those typos, I will warn you now, these final chapters are the ones that have been edited the least, so are the roughest. You're probably going to catch a lot of those. Thanks for the comment as well.

The tone of this chapter was quite dismal, right up until the end. It seemed to be just a depiction of the normal aftermath, distraught husband and children, especially after such a brutal murder. You described that wonderfully, by the way. It was sprinkled about, graphic enough, but sparse enough it wouldn't shy the faint of heart away. At least, I don't think...

Then, we reached the end. I wondered if at first, the lines you had italicized were just his thoughts. You've proven very well Nate blames himself, he's encountering very real guilt, I like that. Then we reached that end. It was a total twist to the story, albeit, given the summary, we knew something was up. You hardly gave us any information, as you did with the last chapter, just enough for us to know there's something in Nate, and it killed his wife with his hands. That's a great concept. I'm excited to see where you take it.

I'll be reading the second chapter later tonight, I thought I had more time than I did.

From the other examples I have seen of your writing, it translates just as well to first person. I'm not much of a first person writer, so I applaud you for giving it a go, especially one that was as successful as this. I didn't find anything wrong with the way you wrote it.

As for the opening chapter, I liked it. You made it short and sweet. No excessive details, although I do feel as if we could of heard a little of his speech. At the moment, it's tricky to find ground on which to base our opinion of if he's guilty or not. If we heard some of his speech, a little more interaction, I think it would help. Nate is certainly behaving strange, which has me interested. His thought process was written well and clearly.

The ending was maybe the best part. It ended with enough suspense to propel the reader all the quicker into the next chapter. You left us with no answers, which is an excellent ploy to get us reading on. I say good job.

I will get to your story soon, I apologize for only now just responding. My life has been hectic and stressful, and I've been sick on top of that- I haven't even come online in about a month.

No, I wasn't going for a bitch with Katrina, she's more of a rebel, Shay's kind of the bitch, but to each their own. Thank you for the comment.

Ah, Rex really will come in handy. I like how you show us just how much power sorcerers have in this world without really telling us- Rex has power over the pirates due to his magic, not just because of his position in society. It's a nice world building touch.

Also, for some reason, I can't see Sadie comfortable with voyaging with pirates, given her character, but that just might be the impression I've gained off her so far.

Once explained, the spell Rex used in the bar was wicked. The ploy of one's worst nightmare coming to life is not new, but I like how you've used it here. However, the sense of the sea serpent- I feel like that's some foreshadowing. I don't think even our three wizards would be able to battle off a slimey, watery, serpentine death.

Glad they were able to make it aboard. Now that they're traveling to new lands, we should see some new characters, new developments, and new settings arise. It's a fantasy setting, so what the characters discover could really be anything. You haven't told us anything much about the land so far, so the amount of intrigue is great. Keep up the good work.

The magic was great in this chapter! However, I do feel like, when we learned about the spells and you described Jason and Sadie performing them, it was all telling, no showing. I wish we could have seen some more of what the spells did instead of simply being told. It's a great point in a story to utilize some descriptive abilities, especially as you're focusing on a key point in your story- magic. Also, a stronger imagery would suck the reader in more, and everyone already loves a good old spell.

It's great how no matter what, something's always happening in this story. It might not be a major event, but the plot or characters are developing regardless. In this chapter, both happened- we had action, magic, and development of both plot and character. Jason, at first, he had some habits that rubbed me the wrong way a little, but he's grown on me a lot. Sadie reminds me of Hermione in the sense she's a dedicated student, and gifted in her spells.

I'm guessing Rex is going to become a more primary character in the story now? I think it would be good, as he can help Sadie and Jason grow in their abilities. A mentor, if you will.

We already conversed some in PM, but thank you for the comment. I focused a lot on creating contrasting characters in this chapter, so I'm glad it showed. It's also nice to know I've written a professional-sounding story although I've never once been anything close to a professional writer. Looking forward to hearing more of your thoughts as you read on!

I apologize for you being uncomfortable, given the underage drinking. I never intended to promote it, and I'm glad you saw that I wasn't. I'm aware it might be something not all of my readers are comfortable with, but as you said, the consequences are clearly illuminated.

Katrina isn't blonde. She actually has dark reddish-brown hair. At the moment, she's not much of a primary character, but her role becomes more defined later on and it will be much easier to tell a difference between her and Kyleigh.

I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. I can see the redundancies, now that you point them out, and I can probably go back and tweak them. Don't worry about leaving empty reviews, I've never once encountered once of yours that has come close to it!

Oh, Lord of the Flies. I could not stand that book. If, one day, some reviewer compares my book to them, I'm afraid I'll have to light them on fire... Just kidding. Don't take that seriously. I do see your point, though.

Marena was in there too, probably spending time with Shay. Damn, why were my italics undone again?

Also, a suicide seat is a nickname for the front seat. It's called that because the most people to die in car accidents are sitting in the passenger seat. Marena wasn't excited, per say, but mocking, as usual.

Yes, change is coming, but I won't tell you what.

By the way, sorry I haven't replied or reviewed any of your own work. These last few days turned out to be rather stressful, and I didn't even log on to SparkA. It's my plan to try to get some in later tonight.

This chapter is all about conflicting emotions, same with a good deal of the story. Not only is there a battle for survival going on but a psychological battle as well, and it creates two different playing fields. I want it to be messy and confusing, get a grip on what the characters are feeling, as it's harder to do with a third person POV. Glad it seemed to work.

Another short response, so I'm sorry about that, but I'm in the midst of a busy period, and I'm about to blank out again for the entire weekend, so I'm not sure you'll be getting any reviews from me until next week. The end of this month is rather busy for me. I'm sorry to keep you waiting! I appreciate your feedback, as always, and I'm happy to see your enjoying the ride. Looking forward to hearing more from you.

Glad you enjoyed this chapter. This is one that always makes me nervous, as it's the first of many where the characters make decisions that could turn the readers off to them.

In the first draft, in a scene that was later cut, Jaycee slips from the room to go for a walk early in the morning and is taken by the agents. Katrina and Laylia heard her scream.

As for all your questions, just keep reading. I like to try not to spoil.

Sorry my response is pretty vague, I'm trying to get back in the writing zone at the moment. I'll try to drop in a few more reviews for HA tomorrow, or maybe tonight if my procrastination sees fitting.

Hmm, going to a stranger's house because he offered them tea and seemed nice? I assume they don't have "stranger danger" in their world. I understand the characters being young and grateful, but anyone with some common sense would be slightly cautious or suspicious of the hospitality. At least, well, because they're innocent-looking kids.

I understand now, why you had them go without much of a second thought. It was necessary to move the plot along. Sometimes certain things have to happen. I actually found the scene to be quite nice, and it's good someone will be teaching them spells. I'm also glad to see Jason warming up to the idea of magic. It's small, but good overall, character development, and you play it right.

I have a couple theories why he snapped Jason's wand, but no matter what his reason behind it was, I can guess Jason will be furious come the next chapter...

Dang, being a Mage entails some pretty cool powers. It's nice how you subtly weave these details in throughout the span of the story early on, instead of dumping them all on us or waiting until a vital point in the story to share this otherwise crucial information. You've explained Jason's reasoning behind turning down sorcery very well, but I can't think of why, really. You make it sound so cool.

Oh, the plot thickens. In the early stages of the story, I was a little curious to see where you'd take it, but I'm certainly getting a sense of what you want with your story now. I will admit, the switch from first to third person was a little confusing, but I understand why you did it. I just try to avoid POV switches, especially one from first to third person, when writing, but I think you executed it well enough.

These won't be the best reviews, I do apologize... I'm trying to read more so than critique right now.

Awesome, I'm glad you're enjoying the story so much so far. May I ask which chapter you're currently on? It would help me get a better grip on what I'm doing right where!

Also, I'll try to return your review soon, although I usually do chapter-by-chapter as I can usually get back to the user sooner, but I can easily do a full book review if you'd like me to.

Once again, thanks for the comment, and I'll try to get in two or three on HA tomorrow. I don't have anything planned, but, you know, stuff always seems to come up.

For the pain with the victims, although everyone encounters the initial pain, she was referring to what they go through as they die, which as this point, nobody knows about. So yes, the virus is meant to be kept at a sort of mysterious angle at this point in the story, don't feel bad about being confused or having negative comments about it.

Shay got up earlier then Carson to get ready for school, as most girls do. And in that statement of Marena's, it was her stating that they would have to fight for survival, likely having to kill for it, and the disease would continue to spread. Make sense?

No spoilers, you'll just have to keep reading. Otherwise, I'm glad this story provokes your thoughts as much as it does, and that you seem to enjoy it. I eagerly await your review of the next chapter, for multiple reasons..

 

Yeah, I did try to do that. Psychological elements play a big part in Carriers, and although it was subconscious at first that I incorporated those elements, looking back later I realized I very much did begin to write the five stages of grief in the characters. You see some of them go through it in other events through the story later in time- some go through many in a small span of time.

Yes, Shay's the leader. It's not really addressed until later, though. But she's certainly under the most pressure. Also, she was enlisted as the driver as she's the only one of them who's nearing her 16th birthday, thus giving her the most experience behind the wheel.

Carson and Marena butt heads. They occasionally feel like the other encroaches on their relationship with Shay, so it brings them to clash sometimes. A lot of the harsh things said in this chapter were due to the pressure and other emotions.

Yes, the story is certainly dark, and it won't get any lighter from here. Also, just feel free to review at your own pace, and I'll try to do the same.

Yes, you pronounced it right. It's a fairly popular name in the States, but it might not be all too common where you're from.

Glad to see I'm provoking your thoughts. Thanks for the comment, and sorry I took so long to respond. I kind of forgot I had a comment to respond to.

It's nice you managed to weave some humor into the first part. However, maybe instead of saying "it shocked me so much I turned into a human again" describe the pain or the other feelings of him turning back. Show, not tell. Usually, you're fine about this. Just one instance I caught.

Quick question- how would Jason know what a dinosaur is?

I take back what I said about humor in the first part, this chapter was funny throughout, as yours usually are. The idea of the creature beings ex-sorcerers was pretty cool, and I think it helped Jason get over his fear of the monsters lurking in the woods the slightest. I might be wrong, though, so I suppose I shall have to read and see.

Also, I apologize it's been such a long time since you've heard from me. I haven't been the best review partner recently, so I'm sorry for that.

I was a little confused as to why the chapters are out of order, but I was able to figure out which to read in what order quickly enough. Having difficulty with the SparkA formatting? It's a bit confusing at first, I will admit...

That aside, I was quite impressed with your writing. First person can either carry or break the story, and so far, it works incredibly well for yours. You don't fail to the paint the picture in the reader's mind, even with scenes that would probably have been easier to describe with a third person perspective. It all flows very nicely and is tied together well.

Also, a fair amount of intrigue is introduced here, and it's certainly enough to keep the readers reading anxiously all the way to the end. You described the scenes in question wickedly well, by the way, and you show more so than tell, which is a fantastic skill to have in your writing.

Also, I don't usually praise covers, but the cover of this story immediately caught my eye. Nice work so far.

Caiden's birthday was certainly heartwarming. It continues to show his childlike state and the mature, parental role Y's taken on, all while being a fun and fluffy scene. I'm not one for words like adorable or anything, but I'm sure other readers would call it that. Happy birthday to the kid.

It seems like you have a thing for ending chapters with "into the warmth of slumber" or something along those lines. It's a nice line, but after a while it can get slightly redundant if used constantly.

Wait, Caiden has aspergers? I don't recall there ever being mentioned before, and that's kind of a big deal. He does very much behave like someone with that condition, though, now that it's been brought to light.

I feel bad when he encounters his mood swings, I really do, but I relate more to Y as I'm just not much of a pitying person and I enjoy things from his POV more. I don't know if I would be able to deal with a child like Caiden as successfully and lovingly as he does.

I'm just going to review the chapters as a whole from now on, as you asked.

Second off, sorry it's been such a while since you've heard from me. I won't say that I've been particularly busy, but I haven't been frequenting SparkA that much and it kind of slipped my mind I was indebted to you, so my apologies.

In part one,  I don't think "world of dreams" needs to be capitalized.

It's nice to see some less important characters around here, and after the last chapter I can understand why you chose to make this chapter as easygoing as you did.

Damn, I'm tired, but I'll try to read one more chapter. The first part of one at least.

 

It certainly wasn't my goal to make the book anything but dark- dark gets remembered, and I'm really happy to see reading was such a rollercoaster of emotions for you. it means I did my job well. I haven't actually heard of anyone crying from my story yet (some grew close) but would you mind telling me where I brought you to tears as well as where I had you screaming in rage?

Thanks for the kind words, I'm thrilled you loved it. I'll read more of ADC soon, I'm sorry I've been a little fickle with my reviews there. Yes, there will be a sequel, and as I said, I'll post it as soon as I have a little more people awaiting it...

Shay is actually a fairly confident person, but as I read over things I realized I portrayed her to have nearly bipolar episodes, which might be a fault on my own. What you've gathered from her isn't really what I've tried to put out, but I won't spoil, so..

Hmm, most people praise the imagery in the story, so I'm kind of blindsided with this one. It might just be a collision with writing styles, as you said it's a very one-track style. I wish I had the skill to describe multiple things at once, but I can't, as I'd start rambling and would soon fill an entire page about descriptions of destruction.

A lot of people enjoy Carson. He's not always the most mature, but he knows when he needs to be.

Jess's siblings were not Carriers. They were killed because they harbored one. Yes, that's fucking sick, and it's something I personally would never do, but it's my job as an author to present even the most barbaric sides of humanity when faces with a pandemic. It gives the book an edgy and raw feeling many authors are scared to take the step to create, although I fear you're hating the story now..

Someone HAS to survive to the end, otherwise we wouldn't have a sequel...

Is it bad I'm slightly dissappointed that I didn't have a shocked, grief stricken comment after the completion of chapter 31? 

The technical, medical term for the virus is BPv-01. It's dubbed The Blue Plague.

Alas, Carriers is not really intended to be a dystopia. We face the world descending into it's end, not after, which is the common trope in today's literature.

The officers hadn't actually begun to fire yet until the very end, and there was only a single bullet. It was my intention to keep the level of gunfire very low to lead into the next chapter, when it well... won't be.

The Cassie question will indeed be answered in the next chapter.

Yes, I'm American. I won't spoil any of that for you, I'm afraid you'll just have to keep reading.

It's pretty funny when a spell goes wrong, and it's even more amusing that simply thinking of water causes that. I'm glad we were exposed to real, conscious magic in this chapter, mishaps included. Jason's going to require a lot of work before he's up to par with Sadie.

The ending was a little weird, but I'm assuming either Jason used magic to eradicate them and something happened to him as well, or the mob abducted him. But, why was an angry mob pursuing them in the first place? Sorcery is widely accepted in the town, so it certainly wouldn't be because of that..

I was a little confused in the first part of the chapter, but our main character, and narrator of the story was as well, so that's alright. I think he might have used magic on the police officers, but I'm not really sure one way or the other.

I'm glad we got to a see a little darker side of this story. I think you wrote it very well, and the monsters were described beautifully. It's also strange how he dreams of being a sorcerer, but refuses to in real life. I know you explained it, but usually our subconscious is a reflection of our minds... so something in Jason wants to be a sorcerer, it's probably just incredibly suppressed.

Oo, a new character. She's opened up a new route for the story, and I can sense some possible plot lines developing out of it. I'm looking forward to reading more!

 

Holy mother of temper tantrums.

Personally, I think Y needs to be more firm with him at this point. A little damn punishment might toughen him up. Caiden is acting in a frustrating way, but I think he's irritating me more so than Y and Sarah...? After that ending, I'm not sure WHO she is, which you seem to do quite often. It's never bad to utilize a good cliffhanger opportunity.  

I understand, after the kidnapping and all, why Caiden would not want to be left along at all. From my point of view, however, as I'm a pretty heartless person, I found his constant whining and frequent crying in this chapter to be annoying, although it stayed in the realms of his childlike character. I'll give you points for making psychological effects a part here, but damn... I'm pretty sure he "latched on to" Y at least four times in this chapter.

The supernatural element in this story continues to grow, and I think, if executed properly, it could turn out pretty good. You seem to gloss over things a lot (like the angel) and I think if you explored the realms of the world the characters are in a little more the intrigue of several would increase even more.

If you couldn't tell, the critic in me is talking. I don't read books for leisure online often, so usually, I just always critique them regardless. You don't need to take anything I say to heart.

When reading a story, after the first couple comments I try not to really nag about grammar issues, but it's beginning to really divert my attention from the story when I'm correcting them in my head. (I know, I'm well aware that I'm a grammar Nazi.) Nonetheless, you have a strong imagery talent, but it's in need of an edit, because often times what you want to convey gets a little jumbled.

Meanwhile, I'm not sure what to think about this chapter as a whole. Call it a lack of intelligence, but I was occasionally confused about what was going on. Interesting plot developments, certainly, but other times I was thinking to myself, "what?"

Y still continues to be his mature, paternal and caring self, and it's great to see consistencies in his character even in times of crisis. His relationship with his brother is certainly a heartwarmer in the story.

The things you seem to like about the story will only increase, and even more so into the sequel. Thank you, by the way, for calling me an awesome writer.

No spoilers, it's a strict rule of mine. I'd love to reassure you, but I could either be lying or breaking my rule. Romance kind of takes a back seat in the story, and I wanted to show readers that it is there, although nobody is really directly focused on it at the moment.

Oh, the characters are certainly breaking, and it will become more obvious the more you progress in the story.

It had to happen sometime... Just be glad it wasn't a major character, although her death certainly evoked something out of you.

I strive to maintain realism in my stories, and eventually, they were going to run out of the luck they'd been having.

She encounters some vivid dreams, and it's likely due to the trauma and stress she's under.

I'm glad you're really feeling for the characters. Who's your favorite?

The supernatural element of this story has certainly intensified, and although it increased my intrigue... it read a little all over the place. There were strong ideas, but weaker ones woven in, and it kind of got a little messy at times. I certainly like the route this story has suddenly turned down, although I found myself a little confused this time around with the explanation. Possibly because it was done in an infodump, and Y interrupted with furious shouting.

I expected Caiden was going to be a powerful deity, but the key to saving a race is impressive. I wonder how Y is going to react to how his brother must act in the story later on.

It was refreshing to encounter a chapter from Caiden's point of view for a change. It's nice to see the childish innocence instead of the paternal worry we often read from Y's POV. I was a little surprised he was simply changed into a cat child just by the power of a wish, but the ending of the chapter revealed that a wish might not have actually been the cause.

A good cliffhanger ending.

I feel bad for the kid, but I'm kind of concerned about Y's decision. There's nothing wrong with homeschooling, but his decision seemed to be doing it for the sake of sheltering Caiden, and a little bit of keeping him to himself. I do grasp some of why he did it, but other parts seem a little sketchy to me. I still respect Y's character, and he's a far better parent than I could hope to be at his age, but his motives seemed a little crossed.

Meanwhile, poor Caiden.

Carriers is actually the first in a planned series. It's likely, around 95%, going to be a trilogy, but there's a small chance for a fourth book. So there will certainly be more books like this from me.

You're responding really well to some controversial parts of the book, some of which could really anger or turn readers off to the story, so I'm pretty thrilled about that. I haven't encountered those reactions from anyone yet so far, but I'm always expecting it.

They aren't all hopeful, some just say things for the sake of others, especially the ones who hold more power in the group. They know if the others think they're hopeful, they'll remain hopeful.

Then you'll be in for more surprises from Shay and the others down the road, then, but that's all I'll say. Although you seem to be in disbelief, it seems to be a positive reaction to what she did, no?

Haha, I wasn't really intending this to be an emotional chapter, but evoking emotions from the reader is always a good thing.

Thanks for the continued, and very positive, comments!

Whew, 60 grand a year for a 21 year old who owns a computer shop? Sure, the business continues to grow, but it's rare someone so young makes that much that quickly. That's a larger salary than a good deal of middle-aged adults make yearly.

Meanwhile, Y continues to prove himself as a mature character, and I like him for it. His brotherly relationship with Caiden is very... cute. And I stress the word, because I'm a person who seldom says cute. There's just not many words to describe it.

Well, now he's developing powers. Awesome.

You found an interesting way to explain why Caiden is the way he is, and it opens numerous routes to take this story. My interest is growing with every chapter. I'm not sure it's fair Y (that's what I'll call him) is keeping it a secret, but he has his reasons, and as they've all said, he'd make an excellent guardian. I'd trust a character with a paternal side.

Speaking of which, I'd figure the child services agent would want to go examine Y's security devices for his computer shop. I've had no personal experience with them, but I know they do their job thoroughly.   

Usually, I do pretty in-depth comments, but I'm feeling particularly exhausted tonight so I'm not sure how much depth you'll really get out of me. I might just do a light run through.

Well, what an interesting name. I'm thankful you told us how to pronounce it, otherwise I would have made a fool of myself.

I'm not going to bother typing the main character's name, but he certainly stepped into his role here. His parents were very accepting of Caiden, although they seemed to show not even the tiniest amount of shock at seeing a catboy in their kitchen. I found this a little strange, for even if I was a relaxed, accepting person like them, I would have been startled at first. Otherwise, the reactions of the characters felt natural and they interacted nicely.

Also, I really enjoy your writing style. It flows nicely, and there's a good touch of imagery and word usage. They mix together to create a very well written piece. I'm not sure I'll return all of what I owe tonight, and if I do, it won't be very long comments.

Glad the first chapter captured your interest, as it's certainly the one I'd expect to be the one readers find boring.

It's okay to be picky with my wording. It can irritate people sometimes, and I often search for repetitiveness, but I don't always catch it.

For the Katrina clinging to Owen thing, it's often a common reference that children cling to their parents in times of fear or crisis, and I chose to use a male child as my example in my wording.

I'm not sure what's the deal with the paragraphs, in all honestly. My formatting hasn't been carrying over 100% recently.

And what Carson meant by that was, if he had a handful of spit in one hand and Laylia's opinion in the other, he'd have a handful of spit. It's meant to say her opinion is irrelevant, but in a rude and sarcastic way.

I try to weave in humor whenever possible, and it usually shines in through my characters, as some of them (Carson, Katrina) aren't the most mature, and the main cast all have a knack for sarcasm. Shay has a swearing tick, and in her mind, she'd never see her teacher again, so she really couldn't care less about swearing towards her teacher. The doctor, however, certainly did so out of stress. I also wouldn't say Shay is weak, but Marena certainly has superior strength to her.

And really, talk about whatever you like.

This chapter's been up on the cutting block a few times, but it always ends up being saved. I get that it's unlike the usual chapter of this story, and I won't say anything about it being a 'calm before the storm', but sometimes a little lighter tone is good. I do need chapters to remind the readers that the characters are still kids.

Which brings me to the point on the relationship- it's a stupid decision, and the characters in this story will make plenty, especially as they are young and scared. Of course, teens will be teens and hormones can't really be pushed aside, and although relationships are probably neglected (Shay and Carson, for example. Albeit, one of them is the leader of the group.) I wouldn't really say Axel and Kyleigh are a serious thing, anyways, such as Shay and Carson or Katrina and Owen.

Not to worry about the delayed comment, either.

Hmmm, the thoughts should be in italics. There is occasionally a thought I miss, but I don't believe I missed any in this chapter. This could be a potential glitch with SparkATale- I've been noticing my Word formatting hasn't 100% been carrying over recently.

Yes, Marena said that because the rings did not appear in Cassie's eyes. I probably should have made that clearer.

Cassie, at least in my mind, was always imagined to be a kind of small girl. She is the same age as the other characters, but shorter and more petite.

Projected on the ceiling? He is on a screen in the corner, angled downwards, so gesturing in the general direction would be enough to give the characters a hint as to what they were looking at.

I'm aware there's a few places I probably should use the names of my characters, but it's become more or less a blatant habit to use them sparingly. I do know which scene you're referring to though, and I do happen to agree with you there.

I utilize internal thoughts and dialog because one, it's a good way to build character, especially for the ones that we can't get inside their heads. I've never written a chapter where my characters aren't actively thinking, and they all think differently, although some are more alike than others. I'm glad someone else appreciates a story with character depth- I find I tend to write what I search for in novels I read.

We will meet more Carriers throughout the story, so I promise there are more. That is all I'll reveal, though, as I'm rather hesitant to reveal too much. I'm aware Carriers is pretty long, and yes, a lot happens, but it's not all with the world falling into the clutches of a plague and whatnot. There's action, certainly, and lots of it, but there is also a good deal of a psychological aspect, which you'll be exposed to very soon.

Thanks for the comment again, and looking forwards to hearing more from you!

 

 

 

Not a lot really happened here- just Sadie recapping the events of the previous chapter, but we were also provided some insight to Jason from an outside force. It's a nice touch showing other perspectives on him, so we get a better grip on his character.

Really, unless this story is set in modern times, the characters speak far too, well, modern for a fantasy novel. They speak as the typical American teenager, not a young adult from the medieval period. Currently, I'm having trouble grasping the setting. Everything else is coming through to me very well, such as the characters, and how the world works, but for the time period itself I am drawing a blank. It's a little confusing.

Jason's parents were rather relaxed with the fact that Amisto was in their house, although a Mage is obviously a highly reverend position in society and it's likely they would not show any disrespect, even if he did break into their house. They were also fairly relaxed, it seemed, with the fact he was interested in creating a sorcerer out of their son. Then again, they learned of the situation towards the end of the chapter, so we might not have been given enough time to see their reactions just yet.

Everything was fine and dandy until we arrived at the kitchen scene. I'm a little confused with the world building here. Early on, I got a rather modern vibe from the text, but when he had to shout out the window for police I wasn't exactly sure. I do know this is fantasy, so you can stretch the realms of reality, but as I write this, I'm quite confused.

As for the rest of the chapter, it was amusing, but it certainly gathered my interest. I'm not one for light-hearted stories, but believe it or not I have a sense of humor, and I appreciated the comedy woven into this chapter. I failed to find any grammatical errors, which is a huge plus from my perspective.

Jason's reactions, given what little we know about him, felt natural, and seemed to stay within the realms of his character. He was having one weird morning, and he behaved naturally to it. So far, you've introduced a cast of quirky characters which seem to increase the appeal of the story. I like what you've shown so far.

First off, thanks for the comment, and I should be getting to my leg of the exchange later tonight. I tried my hardest to display the multiple personalities of my characters the best I could in this chapter, and for the most part you picked up on them. Carson's not a troublemaker, just a smartass. His mouth occasionally does get him into trouble, as does Shay's.

Shay's just kind of a negative person- yes, she certainly was upset about the field trip, and I probably should have mentioned that, but I wanted to leave some speculation to the reader.

He broke the silence, and really, the silence was beginning to make the characters uncomfortable. I can see how the earlier lines could become confusing, though.

She assumed, hearing someone new speaker, that it was a teacher, not fellow classmates. Laylia wouldn't snitch unless it worked in her favor, and in this case, it wouldn't, as she was directly involved as well.

As for the number, the world's death rate is lower than the birth rate at this point, so although people are dying, it is not at fast enough rate to balance or weigh over the births on a global scale, creating the need for... Well, you'll see in the next chapter.

The box, for the most part, was empty, and I thought I made that rather clear, but I suppose not. A lot of things in this chapter were intended to not be directly clear, because the characters were confused and curious, and I wanted the readers to be for some aspects as well, but not all. I wrote it so they could picture it clearly enough in their heads.

There's always a few typos I can't catch- it's inevitable, really. And I'm aware I use her name sparingly, but I read once that you only want to use a character's name 3-4 times per page unless interacting with another. I also do this out of preventing an old habit, for in the first draft of the story I used the names too often, and it became rather annoying.

You didn't seem picky nor negative, no worries. Looking forward to hearing more from you!

Most people probably have a hard time remembering Gifteds and their numbers, but I think I'll be okay with it. I'm better at remembering numbers than names anyways.

I can definitely sense something brewing between 256 and Carey, even if it is only at the moment a one sided force. His thought process about the dreams felt very natural, and stayed within the realms of his character. I like reading from 256's POV.

I think Carey's plan will cause tension between them, as he's already noticing a change in her. I feel like he almost picked it up a little too easily, but 256 is a rather attentive character. Hopefully the other Gifteds won't catch on.

Carey's certainly a smart character. She likely would have gotten lost or frozen to death in the wilderness, and I'm glad you had her turn around instead of push on, because if she made her own out there I might had had a little trouble believing it.

I can kind of sense a potential romance between Carey and 256. I'm always good at guessing who gets with who in stories, so that doesn't make it predictable or anything.

I noticed, when we begin Janelle's POV, you write again how winter is almost halfway over but snow is still thick on the ground. We're aware of it, as we've been told once, so maybe show, not tell, the reader the second time around. The line sounds a little redundant, nonetheless.

The argument between Samantha and Janelle was a nice touch, as I was expecting something ill to have befallen her in the mountains or a warm, sappy welcome. It creates some inner tension in the resistance, which is a promise for a future potential plot point that could be very interesting if done right. The resistance is filled with characters, and so far you've done a good job fleshing the ones we've met out. We don't know them enough to really get a solid grip on their personalities, but I like how you pay attention even to your secondary characters. It shows you put a lot of thought into your work.

 

 

 

 

"Carey smirked and turned herself invisible. 256 was taken aback, and his split second of confusion was all that Carey needed. She struck him hard in the belly, knocking the wind out of him and pushing him over.

“There. You’re dead,” Carey said triumphantly, smirking as she reappeared."

So far, probably my favorite little bit from the book. It was a creative way to throw some humor and Carey's gift together. She's a smart character, and I like her for it. Chapters with her are never dull.

Hmmm... Lake Village is the place Janelle's resistance is located, correct? If so, things are about to get interesting.

Poor Janelle. She reminds me of some people I know in my life, with her very "all work, no play" attitude, as well as a few fictional characters as well with her type of leadership. I wasn't taking sides on the argument, and I'm not sure if I should have, but the ending certainly helped give some vulnerability to a character who could use some.  

 

 

I was really impressed with Janelle's character in the beginning. We already know she is a determined character, that you have shown already, but the fact she was not deterred by the lack of attention given to her or the comments thrown her way helped show her dedication to her goal. This is an excellent thing, as it gives the reader a closer attachment to Janelle's journey and her quest against the Gifted, and I'm finding myself growing steadily more absorbed into her story than earlier.

There was some good character development in this chapter. Although Janelle may be a strong girl, she seems to lose her confidence when placed on the spot, and we watched her change this a little in this chapter. It's always nice to watch characters develop like that. I think she'll make a fine leader, although she may require some work.

Her dedication to the cause, and Samantha, is respectable. I'm enjoying the many different POVs now- I know I had a problem with them initially, but I'm starting to see how what seemed like numerous different stories will likely intertwine, and I think it's a good storytelling device.

"the fear in my own eyes from dread that it was broken." I would suggest rewording this line, as dread isn't needed because we know he's fearing something already, but remove the word it would become grammatically incorrect. So I'd reword it.

While I'm on the subject of grammar, it's what I noticed first about your story. I don't really like to pick apart people's grammar, because, well, you want to improve your story first, but better writing will always make a better story. You have a wonderful sense of imagery, and it's done so with a good word choice, but the sentences are often ended abruptly or end where it creates a sentence fragment. There is, also, the dreaded grammar error, and it pops up rather frequently. This, alongside the often choppy sentences, interrupts what could be a smooth and wonderful flow to the story. Not to worry, for I still found myself absorbed in your story, just not as much as it could be. I do highly appreciate your imagery efforts- and believe me, it did not fall short.

"I looked at the broken skin above my nostrils from where the bone had ripped." We humans have cartilage in our noses, no bone.

You have a talent for showing, not telling. You never once told us your main character was poor, but we can tell from how you describe the bad and stale food, messy, crammed and dirty house, and the disarray of the family. Writing is a place you always want to make sure you show the reader, and not tell them, and you have this down.

"If I believed in demons he would be the first I’d suspect of being Satan’s spawn." Given the context, this was a very good line. I also chuckled a little.

The ending to this chapter was brilliant, and your skills with imagery shone through once again. I'm really loving your talent with that. Although, the final paragraph was a massive one, and I think it could be split up a little, just for a little relief on the eyes.

Overall, a good start. A lot happened, and a lot happened fast, but that's not really a bad thing. You threw your main character into an event to gain sympathy from the reader as well as propel your story into the finale of the chapter, which was a fantastic was to end. Really, the only thing you could improve upon is what I've already covered. I'll be reading more soon.

 

No, it made perfect sense to me. A lot of them were attacking Laylia, probably, to find a scapegoat, because that's the natural thing to do when a tragic thing like a death happens. Although they killed her killer, Laylia was at a large fault, but the group seemed to escalate her blame. It's in Shay's background and personality to lash out regardless, and Marena, when angered, lacks as much resolve as usual, and she's making jabs in the wrong places because of it. She's sarcastic, but Marena is the character who knows her place.

I understand why it would be weird, but it wasn't supposed to be a good scene. I was going to trigger something in the reader, whether it be sadness over Jaycee's death, anger towards Laylia (or possibly the others) or something else.

Love the dream. Brilliant idea, and wickedly executed.

Poor Carey. Her homesickness is well written and shown in more ways than just her longing for home. She thinks about how they're so far away as well as the factor of the recurring nightmare, always involving members of her family.

I'll admit, I remember I wasn't that big on Jenelle and Samantha's story arc for the first couple chapters. Carey and 256's current storyline was far more interesting, but Janelle's seems to have caught up. There's a lot of interesting developments now, in both storylines, and I can sense something brewing.

Another good chapter! I've noticed this with every one of them, but the frequent and unmarked POV changes are confusing and sometimes become a little messy. I'm not really sure how to fix them, and they work, in a way, but I find it difficult to follow at times.

 

 

I think I've said before you write character's reactions in a very realistic and heartfelt way. Not only do their reactions to certain things stay in the realms of reality but they also stay in character, which is always a good thing. Carey's confusion was very easy to sense and it helped the reader feel some sympathy towards her.

I think there was some good world building in this chapter. 256 explains some things to Carey, and thus to us as well. We learn a little more about the world you've created in this chapter, and it's an interesting break. I also appreciate the fact you didn't take the route of an info-dump.

No, I get it. I've been thinking of ways I could switch it up, and I think it would be more suspenseful if I end the previous chapter with the agent grabbing Shay or something. I'll look into it, but this is the final run in that follows this formula, I'll say that.

Glad to know Carson's character development is really shining through.

I actually laughed during the scene where May explains a period to Aedain. The awkwardness was felt by the characters and readers alike, and you even managed to weave a healthy dose of humor in. Good job.

"My father told me to never trust a creature that bleeds and doesn't die." Great line. Just, great.

Of course, right when obligations come up you throw a promise of action in the next chapter my way. I hope I can get to it today sometime.

Very good, and very funny, chapter. (-;

 

I think I've mentioned this before, but you have great imagery in your writing. Not only do you utilize your power of descriptions, but you also describe sounds, smells and tastes along with sight, which is the sign of a good descriptive writer. When I read this story I truly do feel like I am right alongside May and the others.

I've got to applaud you for this chapter- most writers, male and female alike, tend to gloss over periods and character's bathroom needs in stories. I think they want to avoid the subject, as it's kind of touchy. I'm not sure where you intend to go with this, but you made a bold choice. It's something not often seen in the fantasy genre, so kudos to you there.

May also grows on me with each chapter. She's smart, and she doesn't take any- excuse my language- shit from the demons. (At least not verbally.) She's certainly in an awkward situation now, though...

 

I really do hope May escapes. Even if she doesn't make it back home, I'm just hoping she gets away from the demons. I feel like, once May and Erik have served their purpose, Aedain and Baltar will kill them, and I don't want that to happen.

Not much on terms of action happened here. It felt more like a filler than anything else, but there was a little world & character building. You mentioned earlier I'd have to read for a while longer before anything happens, so trudging along...

Ah, I see what you mean now. I suppose it wasn't the best, but they aren't famous for making good choices. :p

Spitting in the drinks would have been the most efficient way to infect the customers, so... Glad to know you laughed, that's what I was going for with this chapter. It's supposed to be light-hearted and funny.

And yeah, overall I'd say they were only there for 45 minutes or so.

First off, this chapter has an epic title.

Okay, now I know what big event should be happening soon- death and a bloody battle. If I wasn't so tired I'd probably read until I got to that battle. I suspect there will be a little more build of suspense, so I will have to wait just a few more chapters. (-;

Darn, I was hoping Leif and May would reunite. Given the circumstances I can't see her falling for him, as she'd eventually try to go back to Boston, but I never know with this story. I wasn't expecting May to stay with the demons this long ten chapters ago!

Although we don't see much of him, I like Leif, but as he's a minor character I'm concerned for his safety. But, I suppose, we'd be in an eye for an eye agreement...

 

Excellent, excellent world building. I haven't read much fantasy, but I've found that the small details show that the world the author created is very well fleshed-out and built. You have several of these sprinkled throughout the span of the story and I think it's an excellent tool, especially in a fantasy novel like this.

Not much happened on terms of action, but this chapter helped move the plot along. I'm expecting a big event soon, as you can't go long in a story like this without something major happening. No speculations as to what, just yet.

This chapter did well on terms of character and plot development. I've always liked May and her willingness to speak her mind, but it becomes more profound with each chapter as she gets bolder. It's pleasing to see her stand up to Aedain.

Speaking of whom, he's starting to raise my suspicions he's growing feelings for May, especially after the conversation about how she's pretty for a human. Not sure I'd support the relationship, but it would depend on how you go about it, if you do.

This chapter, on another, brighter note, was full of humor. I chuckled in a few places, especially where Aedain kicked Baltar into the rock. I do apologize for my sick sense of humor.

Anyways, it was good. I feel like all of the 4 are very well fleshed out and you get a good sense of them as characters the more the story continues- May is my favorite but Erik is a close second, as something about his childish innocence makes him so likeable.

Jess has a few screws missing, but she's been through a lot. (It's revealed later, I have profiles on most of my characters) She's a fun character to write.

Yes, the country's descending into anarchy rather rapidly. It's only going to go downhill as more people die, unfortunately.

Axel's character was one that was introduced later, but he's been pretty well developed in my view. He wasn't a character that's just there, so to say. He has himself a fairly big role in the story- I often think of him as the male Katrina, as their importance is rather similar.

We're nearing the end of the story, so there won't be any let ups in the pace for here. (-;

As I said before, it was only a matter of time before something like this happened. I felt like it added a certain degree of unpredictability as well as complexity to the story and I'm glad to know the readers agree.

It will certainly be a feat for the two of them to do it, but when Shay is determined, well, it takes a lot to stop her. Even if she has to get her hands bloody.

I like plot twists. There wasn't really many in the first eh, third of the book, but towards the end it's really been picking up. Certain events had to happen to move the story forwards, and Shay's fall from power was one. It had to happen. There's a quote out there that I think more authors should know about, even if it's just as sarcastic as a handful of my characters.

"Your characters are like geodes. In order to know what they're really made of, you must break them."

That's probably going to concern you about the wellbeing of my characters. There's still more to come, both good and bad. I will swear to secrecy.

Maybe I ought to reword that line. It will make sense eventually, I promise. But all those people aren't dead. That's all I'll say.

Glad to know Carson's a 'cool' character. He'd be very pleased to know he was compared to James Bond. (-;

Glad to know I conveyed what I wanted to. With a group like the Carriers not everyone is going to get along- there's bad apples and assholes. Katrina's arc is a fun one to write. I often turn to her for comic relief but I also have made sure she's matured over the span of the story, and I'm glad to know it showed.

Yes, it wasn't very nice of Shay, but she's more calculating than she is of a feeler. She sensed something brewing and went with it- it would have been clearer in her POV, but we would have missed a good chunk of the argument.

At this point I'm just leaving everyone speculating! The end should tie a good deal of the questions up, but it will also provide more ones... The characters are left guessing now and then too, don't worry.

Sorry it's taking so long to get back to Gifted! I'll try to get to it soon, but the rest of the week is looking awfully busy.

I read the first chapter, or poem, too, but I can't critique poetry. Never wrote it and hardly ever read it, so I wouldn't waste your time talking about something I know next to nothing about. I feel like it went a little over my head, too.

As for this story, well, I loved it. I always find insane characters very interesting to read about, especially ones with blood on their hands. The descriptions of what Charlotte did to the nurse and Stacy's death were very well done- gritty, dark and bloody, the exact way they should have been.

You did a really good job of writing the crazy character, especially given the circumstances of the ending. I really didn't expect that- I assumed she was just a little banged up, not a flat out schizophrenic. One of the best short stories I've read in a while!

Don't rush yourself, I'm more focused with finishing the final chapters! I think I'm still the one who's in debt, anyways. Alas, I'll have to check out the map.

Well, that was fast. I wasn't expecting that ending. This chapter started out slowly but it still managed to keep my attention. It took a little while to reveal what fate befell her uncle, but I almost wish there was a little more, well, detail to the carnage. It would help the reader get a better grasp on Dani and the other's terror, witnessing something as brutal and gory as that. It would also help the sense of terror and adrenaline when Dani dives into the water, as the reader knows what could happen to her, our main character, if she doesn't escape the creature's jaws.

From the summary I was expecting more of a psychological thriller. Turns out I was wrong, but I find this just as appealing. From the first chapter I was expecting that Dani had killed her uncle and she would blame it on some creature. Turns out there really was a creature, and that cliffhanger was excellent. I don't think you'll kill her, not just yet, but I suppose I'll have to wait and see.

Sorry it took so long to get back to you, by the way.

Has the importance of the spear been explained before? If so, I forgot, but if not, well, it might have helped the reader get a "Oh shit" moment from Zhawn's statement. Whatever this spear is, I have a feeling that if Aedain can manage to get his hands on it bad things will go down.

The sorceress, Lavena, is in May's home Dukedom, correct? I believe she was, but it's been quite a while since I've read this story. (My bad, I do apologize.)

This was a short chapter, but it did a good job of moving the plot forwards. I'm expecting something major to happen in the next five chapters or so, but I could be wrong!

By the way, the ending paragraph was spectacular. Would look excellent in a movie.

Honestly, I have such conflicting feelings about the demons. Sometimes I'm convinced Aedain and Baltar are just as evil as they're supposed to be, while other times I feel like there's a softer side. I do believe you told me that wasn't the truth somewhere along the lines, but it certainly does feel that way. Don't get me wrong, I'm no big fans of the demons (although I enjoy Baltar's humor) but I can't help but feel like they aren't all bad. You did a good job explaining Aedain's behavior and his compassion towards the other Laismarians. (hope I spelled that right.) However, this is just my personal problem as I don't think other readers are encountering this, but the conflicting feelings I'm getting about the demons are starting to nag me. I am all for complex characters, especially villians, but May's not a Laismarian yet Aedain is still quite compassionate, at least sometimes, towards her.

Otherwise I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter. There wasn't much happening action-wise, but there was some good character building as well as world building. With each chapter May grows on my even more- her character development is excellent. She's got a smart mouth on her, which is always enjoyable from a character. She's not afraid of the demons, which shows her strength as a character. However, while she's a strong leading lady, she's not cold, and is instead very warm and considerate, and you do a good job of showing it.

One of this novel's strong points is certainly the characters. Every individual one is well-developed and different, which makes for easily relatable and connectable characters. I am curious to see where the story is going at this point, as I have my suspicions. I suppose I'll just have to keep reading.

I was certainly surprised to see you'd read it all, but I'm actually quite pleased. More's coming, I promise, but, as it was with the first draft, these final chapters are giving me lots of trouble. Lots of high stakes, conversations I have to write meticulously, and the stressful job of getting the ending just right. So it could end up being a fair amount of time before there's any more up.

I believe I already mentioned how I intend to rearrange it, somehow. Been thinking about who's I can move back- I know Shay, Marena, Carson and Katrina's introductions need to remain, and I'll include little bits about the other characters. Should help bring down the overall wordcount.

I try to find those typos, but I always seem to miss a few. Quite annoying, but I'm glad I have people to catch them. If you wouldn't mind a little PMing so we can discuss how I should go about smoothing out the first two chapters, I'll shoot you one later today.

They do, but romance kind of takes a back seat in this story. There's not a lot of physical representation of their relationship in the story, as most of it is them flirting with each other via sarcastic remarks, but I try to find places to wiggle in a little physical romance between them. Shay is a very focused and determined girl- survival and leadership are her main focuses at the moment, so her relationship with Carson has been on the back burner for a while. He understands and has most of the same mindset as she does, but he also knows she needs him to keep her grounded and he'll take advantage of a situation if he can. Well, that was longer than I expected.

I try not to be 'that' author that kills off every character that forms valid emotional bonds with other characters. Well, I try not to go out of my way to. It might just be safe to say nobody's safe in this story- not because I'm an evil author but because I want it to be realistic, and given their situation (not saying this will happen in the story) Shay could be sniped in the head and be dead before she hit the ground or other major characters suffer quick, unexpected deaths. I'm not saying that's what's happening in the story, as I'm very anti-spoliers, but I also want it to be realistic, and if I'm writing a fight scene where no fatalities seems very unrealistic, a character will get the boot.

I might have cut this little bit of dialog out in editing on accident, but there should be somewhere in there where Shay asks the doctor why he's telling them all this because, like you, she doesn't think he should be, and he responds by saying "Because odds are, you'll all be dead in twenty minutes."

Sucky virus? Just wait. I'm pretty big on no spoilers, but there's an explanation coming. It's not until one of the very final chapters, but it's there. The characters begin to speculate before that so you can too. (-;

I"ll be honest, I was pretty confused when this started out. From the summary I was expecting the first chapter to open to a murder, but I didn't get that. Not a bad thing. I actually think I liked this better, as the confusion makes me want to read on to really understand what was going on. However, you mentioned several times they had diving gear on, but I was never sure if they were under water, on land, or in some kind of open-air underwater cave. I think a little specifying of that would add more clarity to the chapter. I'm guilty of it too, main character backstory in the first chapter, but it felt a little excessive here. They were necessary details to the characters I suppose, but it diverted my focus from what was going on. The way the characters interacted was very nicely done, and I could really sense Dani's reluctance and hesitation. I have a suspicion it wasn't what attacked her uncle, but who, and my guess is she committed the crime. I'd say it was a pretty good start, just a little cleaning up here and there and it will be even better.

Well, my intention wasn't supposed to make the reader feel sorry for her, but reading back over it I can easily see how it happened. Glad that Shay's bias didn't effect the readers. They still have humanity, don't worry, as they are only fifteen year old kids. They just have to lock it away to survive. Not all of them do that though, obviously. It's mostly just Shay and Marena.

 

I will try to get to your story tomorrow!

This isn't necessarily post-apocalyptic fiction. With most stories you see they started after the apocalypse while this one actually starts before... And I'm not saying it actually will end in the end of the world.

Yeah, the sender was no other was quite accidental. I do find myself guilty of repetitive words sometimes. Thanks for pointing this out!

I also understand there's an info dump, but I felt like I wanted to get all the characters out and paint a little bit of them for the reader. Some like it, some don't. I don't intend to really change it.

Thanks for the overall positive feedback and I plan on getting to yours tomorrow.

You said you wanted me to help you improve, so here goes. I do like the writing style and I know I've said that in previous comments- it's short, flows well, and is to the point, but sometimes, this chapter especially, it felt like it lacked some depth. The sentences were shorter as well as the paragraphs, and although there was description it felt a little hollow. It's a far cry from really needing improvement, I just felt like I ought to point it out.

I'm a little confused at to where Kim is right now, but that could be due to the fact it's been a while since I've read the story. I'm not sure how she ended up there or where she really even is, but it adds to the mystery of the story. I was a little disengaged up until her flashback, where you grasped my full attention. Now I really, really want to know what happened to her and how the cop is connected- (I forgot his name, I do apologize.)

Nice cliffhanger, by the way, with Ira popping in. I figured we hadn't seen the last of her anyways.

Curious to know, how much did you read? The first five are pretty shaky, and even though I just did a recent round of editing on them there's still some work to do. If you'd mind giving me a few examples of the odd wording it would help me clean it up a lot!

This is a response to both the review and comment-

I understand the character confusion. I made the more important ones have bigger roles and tried to make it show- there's a lot of side characters, but they come in handy in a story of this nature, if you know what I mean...

There's still a good deal of cleaning up to do, I'll admit. I always miss something when I edit those first 5 every time. The writing cleans up a lot after those, I promise, although I'm sure there's still something I can fix. I'm in the midst of another round of edits while I work towards writing those final chapters.

Actually, since they would have ended up as the first Carriers anyways, they probably would have. They'd still be the scapegoats and what not, it just wouldn't have happened as fast.

Yeah, really it was just a moment of "Well, somebody should have died by now. Who has no planned plotlines? Yeah her, I'll kill her." of course, I couldn't just make her drop dead in the middle of a battle. As the first Carriers death there had to be impact on both reader and characters, so I knew it would be right to expand her a little, even if it was in her final moments.

The psychology in Carriers is pretty fun to drabble in, I will admit. I've never killed anyone or been in a situation remotely like theirs, so I usually just wing it. In the first draft Shay was rather cold and started off cold, not slowly developing as time went on, but then I realized she was behaving like a sociopath and it needed to be changed!

No spoilers. I will neither confirm nor deny there's something going on under the radar.

I've spent so many hours rewriting that first line over and over again, you have no idea. I'm quite pleased to know it pulled you in!

Yes, the main 3 are Shay, Marena and Carson. They go on to be referred to as the 'Big 3" later on (you can probably guess why) but Katrina, is, well, I've always called her a 'primary supporting character.' Her role blooms over the course of the story, as do a few of the other characters'.

I'm happy to know this chapter's pulled you in, as I think it's rather boring. Had to get the necessaries out of the way, you know? Nonetheless, I'm looking forward to your next reviews. (-:

Currently trapped in the icy grasps of winter, the opening paragraph increased my lust for warmer weather even more. It was beautifully written and really made me imagine it was green grass and blue skies outside instead of clumps of snow and clouds. Only a few more months, right?

Since I'm on the subject of it now, I might as well point out how wonderful your writing is. There's a wonderful flow and a rich vocabulary to it- I love them both. Some of your descriptions were simply excellent. Some people say that some things are useless to describe, but I didn't get a sense of that here. Everything you described fit together in the flow of the story in one way or another.

Meanwhile, not much in terms of plot or story introduction happened. However, I like the sisterly relationship you created between Rory and Aveya. It felt very real and helped the reader begin to grow attached to the characters. It's still too early to really decide, but I liked both of them, even if we haven't had much introduction just yet.

Lastly, you can feel the panic start to set in towards the end. That would be expected with a wonderful descriptive style, as I've pointed out that you have, but I just wanted to compliment you on it! I had a feeling something bad was going to happen, and the ending certainly confirmed it. I'm not a big fantasy buff (honestly I'm only a fan of LOTR, Game of Thrones, and Mal's Mystic Mirror) but sometimes I find fantasy I like, and so far this one has an amazing amount of potential to be one of them.

I tried to add that in, show that even though they've been forced into this situation they do sometimes still act their age and made dumb decisions.

Thank you on the compliment, by the way. I'm not going to say anything about your prediction, however. No spoilers!

Is the title supposed to be 'Frozed' or is that a typo? I clicked the story expecting to find bad grammar and spelling errors. I found none, instead the exact opposite, but it kind of sends a wrong message?

Anyways, on to the review. People will say to avoid wordiness. I disagree. Stephen King has a rather wordy writing style and he's one of the most celebrated authors out there. (Also a personal favorite)  and I think it helps your writing. You have an excellent word choice and that first paragraph was wonderful. The text blocks can get a little large, but I've seen worse! I actually quite enjoy your writing style.

A lot of mystery here. I will admit, I was confused in a few parts, but I believe that was your intention as our narrator is as well. I might just be incapable of following the story. Who knows. I felt like I could really feel what she could, the freezing cold on her body and the air around her. Three points for excellent descriptive writing. I usually struggle to enjoy a story with little descriptive tone and just kind of a 'bleh' tone.

I couldn't find any errors, but I wasn't really looking necessarily. If the flow is smooth I don't usually go through text with a fine-toothed comb because usually, once errors are fixed, the flow's a lot smoother. I'm not sure if this is a one shot or not, but if it is than an excellent job to you. I don't think it is, however, and I'll be waiting for the next installment.

Really, my only complaint with this chapter is what I said before. The flow is very choppy and awkward, run on sentences the main fault. I already suggested how to fix it last review so I'll save the space.

So, she has a name. I was expecting something more unique besides Lauren, but honestly it feels like it works for the story. Simple name, complex character? It's too early to tell Lauren's depth, but I'm just throwing things out there.

Her reaction to Andy felt very realistic. If I was in her situation and he hadn't proved  himself as a friend I'd run just like she did. She seems pretty quick thinking and smart and I like that in a character.

However, I'm not sure how I feel about Andy. A lot of their dialog was kind of awkward. Not sure if it was your intention or just the way it turned out but it read kind of forced, like neither of them wanted to speak or were sure what to say but you wrote them in anyways. I can already kind of predict he will be the love interest, but as long as you create them to be complex characters with a not-so-cliche romance I will have zero complaints. (-:

"I clutched the hilt of my katana sword tighter and slowly peered out from my hiding spot behind the counter of the run down-gas station" It should be run-down, not down-gas station.

""Shit," I silently whispered taking in the three figures slowly shuffling about the empty shelves and garbage strewn about on the floor." I'd put a comma after whispered.

One thing I noticed is there's a lot of run on sentences. I'd suggest sprinkling commas, putting periods or cutting out some parts to help the flow and narrative voice of the story.

The action scene where she fought the zombies was nicely done. A katana is certainly the ultimate zombie killing weapon. They were a little choppy, yes, but that's mostly what I pointed out with the problems with flow and what not. I felt like it could have been gorier, given it's a zombie story, but I'm just being picky. Only so much you can do with a PG-13 rating. (Not that I haven't described brains more than a couple times or anything) but her reactions felt very real. I don't know her name, or if it's even a she (but I'm assuming so by the introduction to the male character) and she feels rather capable.

As for the boy, well, I have an irk with him. You see this often in stories centered for teen audiences- green eyes. Not hazel or muddle, green. Especially in the love interest. It's just a little pet peeve of mine, but legit green eyes are actually really, really uncommon.

Overall it's a good start to a promising story. It's got some issues but really it's nothing a good proofread won't smooth over.

Well, guess my premonition was wrong. They're just douchebags.   Oh yikes, the last chapter. The hardest part is easily the final line. :p

Okay, I think this I where I left off. I skimmed the last few chapters to check and I think this is it. It felt a little familiar at first but I know I haven't read that ending.

That was a pretty fast-paced way for me to get back into this story. I actually made progress on writing for the first time in a while so I've been more focused on that, but I keep forgetting I owe you like a bajillion reviews. I'm determined to finish this, don't worry! :D

Now, I don't know why but I'm starting to get attatched to the demons. Like, I don't feel as if they're all that bad. Baltar cracks me up sometimes and Aedain has his moments where you go "hmm, is he really as bad as we think?"

I also think the new May shone through a little in this chapter. Her development as a character has been a little rough picking up on but it's still noticeable, and that's a good thing. She's certainly become a stronger leading lady than she started out as, mentally and physically. She's an interesting character.

I think I've said this before, but I love the way you write, especially in fast paced scenes!

Sorry, that's all for tonight, but I think I ought to go to bed early for once in my life. I've been such a grouch recently. Good work, as always. ~

That's true, and really they were just being stupid kids. There's always going to be a little bit that's their fault, though.

It's revealed in chapter 23. Her theory, that is. No confirmation she's actually right! (-;

For a first big project this was actually pretty good.

Punctuation can be difficult to grasp at first, so I'll remember to point out errors when I see them. ^^

I also forgot to mention Sophie's inner turmoil was done very well. You could really sense her panic and fright as she wondered if they'd ever come for her.

 

Watch the paragraph size, the first one was a massive block of text. Remember what I said about new speaker, too. That would certainly help cut that monster in half.

"She slowly brought her right knee to her chest. As she felt it gently collide with her chest, a sigh escaped her lips." use of chest twice so close sounds slightly repetitive.

After reading this chapter I was thrown off by how large the text seemed and the lack of paragraphs. There seemed to be some, yes, but for the most part I felt like I was reading one big block of text. It was hard to find my place if I looked away from the screen for a few moments.

The descriptions were very, very nice. You've done a nice job setting the foundation for the world Sophie's found herself in. That was certainly my favorite part of this chapter.

As like last time my main complaints are the choppiness, no punctuation after speaker and kind of amateur tone to the writing. God, saying amateur tone sounded harsh as hell. Don't take it like that because I'm not saying the writing is bad. You have good descriptions and a pretty strong use of words but the choppiness hinders it's overall appeal. This is nothing editing can't fix though, don't worry!

 

Something I noticed first off- When you end a section of dialog you don't put a period or comma. Even if it is not the technical end of the sentence it is the end of the character speaking, so make sure to have those.

'I hope this all goes she plan' Was this her thought process? And I'm assuming she was not the correct word to be there. Or did you mean planned? It would become grammatically correct then.

Note- whenever a new speaker is speaking there should be a new paragraph. You seem to have done this most of the time but I think I found one occurrence where there should be a new paragraph, as she speaks aloud-

Once she had finished her meal, she made her way to her bedroom. Her eyes glanced over to the backpack that she was about the prepare. 'I hope this all goes she plan'. She crouched down and pulled it towards her. Everything she thought she would need was stashed away under her bed. She crawled towards her bed and lay down on her stomach, careful not to make a noise in case the others became suspicious. She felt around until her hands brushed against a box. 'Ah-ha!' She dragged the box from out under the bed. Opening the box, she ticked off each item in her head. 'Wire cutters, check. Water, check. Torch, check. Jacket, check. Okay, that's it' She smirked as she placed them all in the backpack.

I'd start a new paragraph where she exclaimed "Ah-ha!"

As for writing style, I think it could be smoothed out with a beta reader. It's often a choppy and rough pace, especially with the lack of punctuation after speech. It kept distracting me from the text. There's several minor grammatical errors and overall voice of the story that I do think a beta reader, or just heavy editing could nip in the bud. If you'd like me to I suppose I could read it over, but I'm in the midst of editing my own work. PM me about it.

The ending was a nice cliffhanger although I hardly knew she'd been transported to the other world at all. Maybe add in a little more description, not tell, but show the reader she's been teleported to another world.

I'd also reccommend smoothing out the dialog, as although I liked the interactions with the characters some of the things they said read awkwardly. It's too early for anything to be OOC so it just felt awkward and choppy, if you see what I'm saying. Most of the issues I had with this text is the flow, and, as I said, it can be corrected easily.

Overall I do think that with some hard editing this can be turned into a really strong piece. A lot of times first drafts are rough, it's perfectly fine to require editing. I've edited every chapter of my work so many times and rewritten just as many! It's too early for me to really get a sense of the characters and setting and decide if I like it or not, but the summary does have promise in it.

 

I like to do that, put in a break after a couple fast-paced chapters. I usually focus more on character development\interactions in said chapters, which is probably why people are starting to notice Katrina more now.

They were in the wrong place but shouldn't have been there... There was equal fault on both sides, really.

Yes, the human brain is rather fascinating. There's PLENTY of conflicting morals here and down the road, don't worry, you'll be satisfied. (-:

Glad to know you like Katrina, too! She's an excellent source of comic relief.

Eek. I figured they'd be in shock for a while, really. She was just freaking out over infecting a person then killed three. She doesn't get a lust for blood, no, she just does what she has to do survive. She's rather determined.

 

Most of the character's siblings would be old enough to understand except maybe Carson, Marena and Katrina's, but we don't really know much about them or what becomes of their families back home... Yet. It's in the works, just not maybe in this book.

But I'm glad to know I'm doing something right with the turmoil after infection. Never experienced anything remotely close to it so I was totally winging it.

I'm actually right in the midst of editing this chapter. I'm just doing basic edits on the older chapters to keep them up to date! So thanks for catching those.

And yeah, none of them, especially Shay, are in a good mental state at the moment.

Shay and Owen have both been grazed my bullets before. Not the most serious injuries but it still counts. Even a non-fatal gunshot wound could mean death for the characters as the risk of infection stands, and at the current place in the story there wasn't really a place for me to kill anyone off. I can understand why it seems easy, but this is really only the second gunfight. When Shay killed the agents she had the element of surprise, and that was an aspect going into this.

Most of it's just luck, believe me... Crap, that was basically a spoiler.

And yes, bottomless weapons drive me insane sometimes. It's a real struggle in gunfights, especially heavy ones like the one in this chapter. A real person would run out of ammo at some point!

There's two- Shay crashed the old one and Marena & company was going to get a new one.

The first part of this chapter did an excellent job setting the tone of the world. The reader really gets a sense of the brutal and harsh environment the characters live in. I do believe this is a retelling of Alice in Wonderland although I'm not sure, correct me if I'm wrong. If it is, however, it's a very, very unique twist on it. The story, although it had it's fair share of dark undertones, wasn't as up-in-your face about it as this one is. That's not a bad thing. I like dark stories. (Not that I'm a sadist or anything, but you get the point.)

I like Maryann so far. This chapter did make it a little bit to get a sense of who she was, but it's only the first chapter- you always get to know the characters better as the story goes along. The ending with the rabbit did feel like deja vu with Alice in Wonderland, which is why I believe it's a retelling. I think you said that somewhere anyways, forget my stupid memory.

Overall I'd say this story has a promising start. It has a well balanced dose of characters, plot, writing ability and a new twist on a classic tale- what's not to enjoy?

 

Sorry I've taken so long to drop in and give you a review- I got busy and I will admit it slipped my mind. I do recognize this chapter, and now that I think about it I've read it before, I just haven't left a review. I broke the oath in my profile. :/

Anyways, I try not to make too many assumptions from a prologue. They can either be really good or really bad no matter the quality of the actual story. I can say, however, this was a nicely done prologue. It had the elements you'd expect to find- a little introduction to the world, a few characters, and other minor details sprinkled in.

I don't have anything to really say about the writing either. The flow and tone is nice and smooth. I do, however, want to recommend checking where you put your commas. I found several instances where they weren't really necessary and interrupted the sentence flow. What I do when there's a sentence I'm trying to decide needs a comma or not I'll read it aloud to see if it sounds funny. In most cases here, though, they were just necessary.

 

Ah, the story would have been over right there if the cops had been behind them! Shay's going through a little bit of emotional turmoil right now, and Carson really is mature, he just often chooses not to be, so to say.

Thanks for catching the typo.

No, the plan wasn't to blow up the building. It was just to detonate the grenade somewhere as a distraction so they could go in and get the truck. I thought I'd made that clear!

Also, it's fine that you forgot about it. I've forgotten some stories I have yet to review, shamefully.

Always nice to know I made someone happy. (-:

Anyways, I often look over typos when critiquing\reviewing because frankly those aren't as important as the actual story substance to me, and although I appreciate it when people catch my typos I prefer comments on the story, characters, ect instead of my clumsy fingers. However, if you'd like me to point out the typos, just say so!

I like our main character. She's strong and capable yet still showed a lot of humanity and vulnerability. She also had some snark to her, which certainly helped make her feel like a real teenage girl.

Not much really happened after she took out those zombies at the 7-11 but it was a nice start. It did the job of providing the necessary framework to the world and the main character.

Nice cliffhanger, by the way.

First off, I want to give you a virtual high five for using that quote from Stephen King. He will forever be one of my favorite authors.

Next, although this was short, I must say the paragraph about the noises of human existence was excellent. I've taken walks in the middle of the night before- I can assume that would be a little like the quiet of an apocalypse.

It's early on but I like your descriptions and writing style very much. It's certainly a promising start and I'm off to read the first official chapter.

Yeah, grief can do things to a person and I'm glad I was able to show how it's effecting her.

As for Carson I won't say anything as to his fate or why they took him. No spoilers. (-;

Glad you enjoyed it! I'm looking forward to hearing your response on the rest! (-:

This chapter was something I've been looking for for a while now! There was a healthy dose of the fantasy aspect- the descriptions of Lavena healing the man and the wounds he suffered were on point. There was a good amount of worldbuilding in this chapter too and I like that. One of the things that turn me off to most fantasy stories are the info dumps and I've found your story doesn't do that- it's a huge relief. It makes it much more readable for someone who's not a big fantasy buff.

Ah, right, Levi's name was changed to Leif. It took me a moment to recall who he was.

A question I do have, though, and a question that I think will drive a lot of the story forward, is now that the mirror is shattered how will May and Maewyn return to their respectful places? Will they ever? I'm not going to get into my crackpot theories just yet, but it certainly increased my intrigue in the world you've created.

I've picked up on it before, but now that there is the taunting from Lavena and the other demon (his name keeps slipping my mind when it comes time to write it) I'm starting to predict May and Aedain will end up together. I assumed her and Levi would but the more I think about it the more it seems like he has a soft spot for her, and soft spots always lead for romance. I'm not sure I'd be a big fan of the coupling but it would depend on how you write it, if it even happens. I'm one for crackpot theories.

Lavena's ability to transform was a nice touch and I found Baltar (I remembered his name!) and his attempts at flirting with her quite hilarious. I'm not sure if this was the intent but I found this chapter funny and rather light-hearted. It was a nice change in tone.

 

Interesting. Not much, to me, really happened in this chapter until the last little bit. I'm not sure if I just read over it (I often do) but I missed the reason why they started galloping through the swamp like Madmen. I know something came crashing through the trees... But what? I might have just looked it over.

The descriptions of the chase were nicely done, however.

Now that the truth that they can turn into dragons is out there it seems like it's happening rather frequently now for demons who took all this time revealing it to them. However I do think it had something to do with the river so I won't complain.

The cliff hanger was nicely done, by the way.

What's a fantasy novel without a dragon? The fact that his actual form is a dragon is quite possibly one of the most creative ideas I've seen in fantasy stories that have to do with dragons- you don't see a dragon able to transform into human form that often. The description of his transformation was brief but incredibly well done at the same time- it sounds rather sadistical of me but I could practically hear the snap of his bones. Yikes...

May's turning in to a fine heroine. She's worrying about the people and their innocence, something a true protagonist would do. She's determined and smart and I've come to quite like her. Erik was originally my favorite character but May's since taken his place.

Overall it was a nice chapter, and until Aedain told May she was going to see the witch I assumed they were referring to May, and that she was a witch and it would be a big plot twist. I can say I'm a little disappointed but I have a premonition May is a lot more special than you've let on to.

Ah, a place without taxes. We all wish we could live there.

The second half of the chapter I liked a lot better than the first. The moment she began discussing that someone knew about the portal my attention, which had begun to wander, was pulled back in. I'm still curious about how that mirror works and how May was able to go through it. It's a fantasy story, I know there's more to it than she simply fell through. (-;

Short, but a good chapter. It doesn't seem like it but it helped move the plot along and increase the amount of intrigue.

(Sorry, that's all for tonight. Still sick, I should probably be hitting the hay earlier than I am. :P)

It's a little bit of an info dump chapter but I found I quite liked it. It does a good deal of fleshing out the world of the Callesmere empire and the history behind it. The little deal about edible grass was a nice little touch of world building. One thing I must point out though is that grass here in our world is edible too- yes, I know, I've tried, and it tastes terrible. So although it was a nice touch it's not too much different than the world of our own, but it's grass for God's sake, I should shut my mouth.

You've done a nice job fleshing out the demons. Aedain and Baltar are easy to tell apart with their personalities and the things they say. Their plan to kill every last man in the world is certainly ambitious and bloodthirsy but after seeing what they are capable of doing I'm not surprised. I have a feeling the Sapphire pendant will have a huge role in the story later on.

Oh no, no, no Marena will never be replaced, not in Shay's heart or my mind. Alexandria isn't of much use in this book but in the sequel I've started work on (it's slow right now) she's a more important character. See her as Jaycee's replacement, not Marena's, because that's really what she is. She grows a quick connection with Laylia. Marena will not be replaced.

Shay isn't much of a selfless character, really, at least she didn't start out as one. She was cocky (still is) pretty arrogant, sarcastic and selfish. She had the general mindset of a 'Queen Bee', so to say, but yes she has matured and she's become more of a considerate leader than one who just bosses around. She still does plenty of that, though. (-;

This chapter was difficult for me to write. I've kept the killings sparse so far but I'm surprised you didn't expect a main character to die, given the circumstances of the plot. I didn't want to kill her and I didn't just kill her to kill her- her death pushes a lot of things forward, including a good amount of character development. And sure, the shock factor and plot twist was considered when I did it, too...

Yes, I am that evil. It hasn't shown yet really, but although I am attached to some of my characters nobody is safe because that's how it would be in the Carriers situation- reality just comes in, stomps some ass and leaves. I'm not saying this is something I'd ever do but someone might snipe Shay right in the head or Katrina and Owen might be in the wrong place when a grenade goes off. (Those were examples of what if's, they don't happen.) It's more of a realistic kind of thing to keep characters dying because in their situation there would be a good deal of death.

They have ammo!

And now that I think about it Marena and Shay are like Spock and Kirk. They have a fun relationship to write, the two of them. They're both a lot alike yet have a massive amount of differences, too. Makes for plenty of funny dialog.

One thing I notice, and this isn't necessarily a bad thing, is that your chapters are short. This, however, might just be from personal style as most of my chapters are over 2,000 words. I have no problem with short chapters- they're easier to read and a lot quicker, too.

I will admit I was a little surprised and disappointed by the POV change. The cliffhanger ending of chapter one had me curious to know who this 'shady character' was and we haven't found out. Jasper's narrative voice isn't as strong as Zarfira's but I can tell they have drastically different personalities, so it's a nice start in term of characters.

Yet again I have to complement the writing style- the flow, word choice and descriptions are all perfect.

Keep it up, post more soon!

For a first chapter it does what it needs to do- introduce the characters, create a narrative voice and give the reader a little feel of the world. You have a unique and tasteful choice of wording and dialog tags- I quite like it. It adds to the story's overall appeal.

Zafhira has a nice narrative voice and her relationship with Fergie was a nice touch.

Not much happened and a little short but overall it's a good start.

This is probably the best entertainment for sleep deprived minds. The scene with the grandmother was um, well, interesting, and I'd be cautious of my grandmother as well if she said things like that.

However, as I do usually try to provide constructive criticism in my reviews, I would suggest a fair amount of editing. Storyline and content are fine (no lack in humor) but there's lots of choppy sentences and paragraphs\lines that read funny. Scenes seem to jump around a lot, too, I'd recommend some bridging! I'm not going to be overly picky unless you'd like me to.

The action in this was quite chaotic, but nice, in a way.. It's not random and devoid of humor like a few other stories I've read so far in the 'humor' category, so kudos to you there.

And come on, laser chickens.

Popped up on random story and frankly I couldn't resist. It's 3:30 am and I'm procrastinating but who cares, you can't turn down an invitation to read a story about chickens with lasers.

Not much to really complain about. I'm never super picky with grammar and spelling when it's a humor story even though I should be, but it's a good start. Felt a little random with all the yelling and such, it felt slightly out of place to me but I'm not entirely processing everything right!

I'm going to keep reading!

No spoilers, no spoilers...

There's not official bounty hunters, but there are several people who would want the money and I'd assume would become as ruthless. The agents will eventually figure out to ditch the work ethic, I promise.

I've been told this chapter helps flesh out the characters as well, so I have mixed feelings. I've considered cutting it more than once.

I can understand why it would affect the characters, especially Axel, but none of the characters we heard from really had any emotional connection to Jaycee. There wasn't much romance, honestly, but alas I'm not sure what I wanted to gain from this chapter. I can see how it's odd. It was kind of a fleshing out chapter, but the only characters we saw who need more fleshing out is Kyleigh and Owen.

Yes, it was kind of a wake up call more so than an earth-shaking loss, but I suppose it was that for Laylia.

Glad to know you like Axel! Like Carson he's quite a fun character to write, and as their best friends it's always easy to add some comic relief with them.

Short, but it certainly made the plot thicken.

the only thing that bothered me was in the first paragraph when you said "and his heart died again." I thought the Duke was actually dead, and that is probably what other readers might take from that line.

I have a feeling this hooded figure is an antagonist I was talking about in my last review. We may know him already or we may not- I'm expecting a plot twist at this point, because when he told the Duke May ordered the killing it was a 'oh no he didn't!" moment, so to say. (-:

Evil cliffhanger, by the way. Very nicely done.

 

This was where I was. I certainly remember reading those graphic and wonderful descriptions of the attacker's deaths, so I know I must be here. It's annoying that these reviews vanished, I can go back and add them if you'd like.

Sorry it took so long, continued to feel under the weather and with a foot of snow on the ground outside I hardly got around to doing anything. I'm rather swamped with reviews I need to return.

the battle descriptions are graphic and wonderful. Just gonna say. It annoys me when stories gloss over the carnage of battle and this one certainly does it. Excellent. (God, that made me sound like a sicko.)

Okay, so the stone burned Aedain's flesh... There's a few things I'm thinking right now about what exactly it is and what exactly Erik is too. It's hard to not like the little guy.

Aedain's treatment of May seems to be changing rather fast. I'm not sure how long they've been in each other's company but it doesn't seem long enough for him to be showing even the slightest bit of compassion yet- he's a demon, and an evil one at that. Although after this chapter I'm not so sure he's entirley evil, which may be a good or bad thing story wise. It's not a bad thing to have a clear protagonist and antagonist but the demons have been made out to be the antagonists so far so it feels a little out of character. I'm getting more of a blood-thirsty cruel vibe from them, not evil.

 

Yes, I could assume you saw it coming. Honestly I didn't think of Noah's fate. I would assume they'd move him to a hospital, as he was infected, but who knows. Never really thought about it.

 

Oh, you like snipers, do you?

Wait, just wait...

Although the timing of his confession certainly felt off, and it would have much rather worked the night before (then again he was focused on comforting Shay) it seemed right to me because he's in the situation where he might have to kill again, so it hits him there. See what I'm saying?

Axel, like Shay, is a pretty hot-headed guy, so it wouldn't be like him to just sit there. He probably goes through the quickest development of any of the characters, actually.

 

Thanks for catching the typos, there always seems to be a few I look over. Not gonna say anything about Cassie though.

That's quite a logical fear, actually.

Yes, the chapter is long. I'm quite guilty of having long chapters. I do see how the characters can blend together, but it gets easier the further you go in the story.

THAT'S WHAT I FORGOT TO PUT IN.

I seriously want to hit myself right now- I knew I was forgetting something when I made chapter 24 so short. The Hooters ordeal wasn't supposed to be this random thing they selected to do to infect people. It was a revenge tactic, so to say, on Jaycee's death. They had someone taken away from them so they decided to take back. It's complicated, but it isn't something they're going to make a regular use of doing.

Well, know I know what I forgot. *Bangs head against desk.*

Yes, I think we all know people we'd like to use a virus like that on. I'm someone who hates spoilers so I'll try not to say much, but we do find out the truth towards the end- three chapters from the end, to be exact.

Shay had a handle on her emotions this time, thankfully. She was also a little curious, anyways.

Well, I didn't really intend for this chapter to be depressing, but reading over it I suppose it really was. I don't want to say much but this is only the beginning of a rather bleak segment of the book. Alas, the scene between Shay and Carson seemed to have served its purpose. Yay.

And no, the next chapter really isn't too terribly sad, but I might go back and revise it, it depends on how well it's recieved.

Ah, so Ira's a demon... It makes a lot of sense to me now.

I was a little confused at first at what was going on, I can't really explain why. The chapters feel a little short to me but I write rather long ones so it's a matter of style, nothing wrong with it. I usually prefer to read shorter chapters anyways!

Not much really happened in this chapter, honestly, but the cliffhanger was a good one. This chapter ended in a similar way to the last, with a bang. The mystery is picking up- good job so far.

One small error- hemorrhage was spelled wrong.

I didn't find any errors except I don't think 'Casanova' would be capitalized, as it's not an official name. I use it more in the sense of an adjective, which wouldn't be capitalized. Not sure, I suppose it could be.

I like the flow- some might find it confusing with the constant switching from dream to reality then back again but I found it was usually rather easy to follow and understand. I didn't quite grasp Corin's connection to Kim just yet but I'm sure it will all be revealed in due time.

Overall good chapter, not much I can really complain about\suggest changing.

There's always a few errors I don't catch, so thanks for that.

Also, thanks for the kind words so far. I tend to pay extra attention to the details in my writing, as I like a well-detailed and descriptive story!

Yeah, the little bit we see of Cassie really isn't in an uplifting manner.

Thanks for catching those errors, by the way. I'm trying to get caught up on reviews while trying to finish chapter 23 because it's been so terribly long since I posted.

 

Yeah, romance kinda takes a back seat. I mean, get to chapter 15, you'll be satisfied (hopefully).

I thought I did mention her having difficulty running but maybe not, I'll go back and check it.    

I cut out a scene where Katrina was deployed to a gas station with Kyleigh by Shay and Marena to get makeup shortly after their arrival in the first motel they ever stayed at. Although Shay told them it was for disguise purposes she really just didn't want to be around Carson without makeup on, I remember. So yes, they stole a lot very early on.

You learn about the theory next chapter! I'm trying to finish but I'm still stuck on it. I hope I'll be done soon.

Thanks for all the reviews, by the way! Glad to know you're back. (-:

The ranks will be thinned, I promise...

I didn't expect Jaycee's death to have too much impact but it seemed rather minimal on you. It's probably because she got little screen time.

Yes, Shay's first loss of a charge. Although it's not the first crisis she's had to deal with really, when you look at it, it is the first time she's had to deal with the death of someone that followed and trusted her. I'm glad to know she's got good depth, but do the others as well? I'm speaking mostly of Marena, Carson and Katrina, as I kinda know the other characters don't have much. I have a feel for all the character except Owen really, but he's vital to the plot later on so he is here for a reason.

Well, there's a few action\fight scenes left in the story and none of them are actually Cops vs Carriers. There's the Government Agents, who haven't really had a fight with solely them against our protagonists. That was kind of a given though, as the Government's really the ones after them, it's just the cops they keep running into. I hope the upcoming fight scenes thrill you like the others did!

It's coming, I promise! (In chapter 23) but it's coming!

Yeah, Carson's no sissy but he's not kind of cold or low on empathy like Shay and Marena. He struggled grasping it more than they did and I can also say we get to learn why in chapter 23 (his conversation with Shay is actually what I'm stuck on.) So yes, he's not a weak character, but like Katrina took more time to adapt to the idea they have to kill\fight to survive themselves.

Nobody has died yet? Also, all 8 of them are still here.

And yes, Marena has a theory, and she tells Shay in chapter 23, which I'm stuck on. I've edited all the way to chapter 36 but 23 is giving me troubles.

Weren't you rooting for them already, lol? Anyways, I would tell you but I know how much I hate spoilers so I'll refrain, but if they all die would there really be much of a story? Actually, yeah, there would be, so don't take anything I say to heart!

Glad to know you like Katrina! She's a fun character to write and if Shay, Carson and Marena, the usual smartasses aren't around Katrina is always fun to bring in for comic relief.

Wait, I'm a little confused. You said Shay's become a cold blooded killer then said you liked her...? Little confused. I mean, I'm happy to know she's a rather likeable and strong character because I worry people won't like her because of her coldness\murderous behaviors.

I tried to bring Katrina in earlier a little more but she's a character that really sees some drastic growth over the story. There's the other four, Owen, Kyleigh, Laylia and Jaycee who are all different but Owen and Jaycee are rather quiet. Laylia hasn't had much to do with the story yet but she does later.

And you don't get official knowledge until almost the end, but characters speculate.

Hey, your back!

Anyways, I'm not really sure. Thought I did cover her pain? He didn't break it but the beginning of chapter 16 covers her rather bloody nose. I might say he landed off to the side a little or something, leaving her with a bruise Shay could notice later or something. I'm going back and finding little inconsistencies when I'm done with the rewrite so thanks for spotting this.

Thanks for the praise on the pacing, by the way!

It's fine, I actually really appreciate how you find little things like this for me to fix. Yeah, I can see why you wouldn't really like this chapter- there's not much really going on, it's just a big info dump \ buildup. It's understandable.

I'll try to review some more of your stuff soon, but as I said to another reviewer I'm way over my head right now in a lot of stuff. I'm not sure I'll be able to get to it for a while.

Well, wasn't really going for funny, but funny never hurts right? And don't worry, I wasn't accusing you of being a psychopath.

He was surprised, but he was more angry and concerned about the fact they were a bunch of teenagers and would more than likely be killed. Then again, he might know more than they do (and the reader does) at this point.

 

Sorry it took so long to respond to this, life's gotten rather busy lately and I've hardly had time to drop by.

I'm not sure why Shay wouldn't have that mindset, really. She might be the main character and main protagonist but she's not without her flaws and one of them is being pretty self-centered. However I see where your coming from about the whole MC needing to be specific part so I understand and won't try to state anything else because I agree.

Maybe they did deserve it? I wouldn't say they did but they sure as hell deserved to be punished!

Anyways, thanks for the review and I hope to have your story reviewed by Tuesday at the latest, but I'm kind of over my head in a lot of things right now. Sorry for the inconvenince. 

Well, I mean, I try to keep her swearing down as much as I can for a character with a swearing tick. She kind of picks up using profanities after the first few chapters, I think I was doing it as an effort to keep from turning people off from the story by the swearing. Not sure, you made a good point though.

Yeah, I'm going back through the first, eh, 6 or so and checking the weird sentence wordings. Those are the chapters I believe would be the most prone to have several, as you're finding a lot. (Thanks for that, by the way, I'm a fast reader so I tend to over look things quite often.)

Raised language bit- Never thought of that, but it would probably be Kyleigh who asked because most of the other characters can grasp the 'big' words, so to say. :P

Thanks for catching all the weird errors\sentences!

Oops, not the valley girl. I'll have to go and fix that.

Shay and Carson are both the sarcastic, smart-ass, snarky type. The scene there was a little spat between them, but neither were really unhappy with the other. I think there's a few scenes where they insult each other or make sarcastic remarks at the other's expense, but it's really their relationship and their own weird, not-exactly-ritual way of flirting. She really does care about him and he cares about her, and they do show it, but there's not really many opportunities for romance in the situation they're about to get thrown in to.

Owen and Carson- Carson's hair isn't shaggy and long, and I think what you're mentioning is that Shay mentioned how he was in need of a haircut but she liked his hair a little longer anyways. He has short hair. And while they both have large eyes, I pictured Owen's as being bigger.

The box deal- it would probably actually be Marena suggesting they go back and Shay and Carson convincing her otherwise, as they were both bored out of their minds. Shay also has a misled sense of curiosity, so despite the trouble she knew they were in she'd still want to explore.

Actually, yeah. I like the idea of ending it with "Releasing virus." :D The next chapter starts out with the pain, actually.

It's explained in the next chapter.

And yeah, that's probably true for a while. We see more of Katrina A LOT throughout the rest of the story- starting at chapter 16, mostly. Jaycee, Owen and Kyleigh are kind of the supporting characters and Laylia is between secondary and supporting. They do all have screen time though.

I just noticed I spelled relatable wrong in my last comment. oops. Wasn't paying attention, arguing with a friend over something. Although the negative, heartbroken feel is kind of a downer this is probably relatable to almost every single person who reads it in one way or another. There's all little bits and pieces we can pick out and relate to in this one and the last. so far I'm enjoying these and how beautifully they're written.

I didn't find any errors this time, and the last one was just small and hardly worth nagging over. So far I'm very impressed.

Damn, that was, wow. Kinda sums up love pretty well and the depressed feelings and utter brokenness it causes. Well done. I liked how it was impossible to tell if the narrator was a male or female- it was nice to see how it could go either way, as these types of feelings both genders usually go through.

I found one little error- instead of having "I know" you had "I now."

One litter error is nothing to fret about. I think that, although short, it was a very fine short story, The emotions were captured on key and overall very relateable.

I forgot about this story until it popped up on the homepage! I was a little worried you'd fallen off the face of the planet or something, lol. Glad to see you've returned with new chapters (not that I'm near reading them yet, sadly,)

The action in this chapter was fantastic. The suspense was well done, I tore through the entire thing. The description of Aedian's massacre was well done, bloody and horribly descriptive. I like it. May's reactions to everything were spot on and her tolerance shed a lot of light on her strength as a character.

One inconsistency I noticed is at the beginning, where May is first transported to this world, she points out how much longer her hair is. (I think past her chest?) Yet you said "grabbed her short hair". If she cut it or had it pulled back and I missed something, remind me?

Overall I'm excited to get back into this story and see where it goes! Sorry I forgot about it.

It's been forever since I read this story- I kinda forgot about it. It took a while to remember what all had happened in the last chapters, but I found they all fell back into place quickly. One thing I'd still suggest is marking when you change POVs, it gets confusing sometimes.

Janelle and Samantha's story finally seems to be going somewhere- I knew it was all along but now their plotline is really picking up. I have a feeling somewhere that they will all intertwine at some point or another.

I've forgotten to mention this before, but Carey is a well-written and well fleshed out character. She's a fine heroine. (-:

When I saw your post and saw the word rewriting, it immediately became a red flag. Rewriting is that thing that everyone has a certain disdain for, yet we all do it and in several cases it's necessary to improve a story- I'm amidst the process of rewriting now and it's a drag, so I wanted to see if there really was a need for rewriting.

You mentioned this was a few years old, correct? Dated material is usually not an accurate representation of your up-to date skill, and that there is usually a sign you should rewrite. And well, to put it frankly, rewriting might be a good idea.

Plot- the plot doesn't need to be changed. It's been done before, but in every story like it there's differences. There are several things I'd suggest changing, but I'll address them below.

Things that stood out to me that I'd suggest reworking-

First off, there's lots of grammar and punctuation issues. I believe it's safe to assume there wouldn't be these errors if you wrote it again, as mentioned, it's dated material so I won't really cover this. This would be my main reason for doing a total rewrite, honestly. The other things are just inconsistencies and issues I'd suggest changing\tweaking.

The crash scene- Honestly, as the event that sets Aishling's journey on a roll, it was brief and anti-climatic. Of course she blacks out, but it was so quick it had little effect on the reader.

Dialog- Actually another main reason why I would suggest rewriting. The dialog was awkward in places, choppy in others and just kind of bland overall. Little personality was seen from any of the characters- they all seemed to share one voice and most seemed to have brown hair. I couldn't picture most of them and they were just indistinct. The characters themselves need a little more fleshing out as well as dialog. You seem to use the tag said and no other words for vocalization, and it just feels repetitive. Kind of relates to the grammar part.

Overall, yeah, rewriting would do this story wonders. I do think it has potential and I like the mystery the summary seems to hint at, but there's lots of things that need to be fixed. I hope I didn't sound too harsh because I didn't want to come across that way! I'll read the other chapters if you like and point out more that should be addressed while rewriting, but tell me if I need to watch how harsh I may come across. I know what it's like to have dated material- I was shocked to see how much my writing grew over a few years. I have faith the rewritten edition will be much smoother!

Cool, this story was finally updated.

Not much happened in this chapter, which I feel like is kinda the case with this story. Although enough happens to keep the reader reading to the end of the chapter and click to go to the next chapter, there isn't much really enthralling or super- captivating that happened in any chapters. So, basically, not much really happens. But so far you seem to have focused on character development, which isn't bad, but I'd like to see a little more happen, ya know?

Speaking of character development and fleshing out characters, this chapter did an excellent job of that. We already have a pretty good feel for the MC, Jack, and his actions, beliefs, personality and struggle, but this was good at fleshing out the others, specifically his I'm guessing soon-to-be love interest. She's quite the interesting character.

Writing still remains excellent, flows smoothly and no visible errors. Keep up the good work! ^^

I always thought it was used as ladder, not latter. I've seen it used that way in most books I've read, but I'm taking your from Australia (correct me if I'm wrong) so there might be a difference.

Yeah, you can't just skip over the mental state she's in, as well as the others. It helps illustrate their still a bunch of scared teenagers fighting for survival.

Sounds like you created a being right out of a Supernatural episode or a Steven King story.. I did actually look over my shoulder once because it's dark and the heater made a weird noise. Curse the cold weather.

   Anyways, I found I didn't have nearly as much problem with the inner voice as last time. Honestly, I'm not even sure why it bothered me in the first chapter.

You have easily achieved and gone above the creepy goal you were searching for, hands down. Your writing style also assisted the material of the story in added creepiness- you have a certain poetic prose, and you know when to use descriptions and what words to use when. It's very nicely written. Overall, well done.

Thanks for catching typos- I never seem to catch them all. ^^

Yes, I do have some pretty long chapters, but I also have some short ones later on in the story. I appreciate the comment!

Well, I was wrong. I didn't even think about it. But you can't exactly arrest someone for lying... But she was scamming and loitering, which is illegal, so yes, she could be arrested on that account.

There's a typo in the title, in case you didn't know.

Right, so a few little things to watch for. I didn't find grammar errors\typos but there were a handful of sentences that read funny.

"Her eyes smarted, but later she would realize it was worth it." Her eyes smarted? Wait, what?

"Her eyes stared at Cassie, and Cassie shivered." It feels repetitive to use her name twice with only one word between. I'd just use 'she' if i was you. I read somewhere you were only supposed to use the same character's name, with the exception of dialogue\interactions with others, three or four times per page.

And my guess would be because there were no worms coming from the pot.

Overall, I'm pretty impressed this is the writing of an eleven year old girl. You have a very mature style and it's better than some of the works of older people I've read (not exactly on this site) So cookie for you.

Thanks for the review, I can understand with it not being the story line you look for as I've read your works\bio, but I'm appreciative you took the time to read. Hope you decide to stop by and read some more later.

Eh, I'm aware the chapter's kind of lagging, I've been trying to see if there's anything I could trim up.

Yes, it is a lot of people, which is why.. Oh, well, you find out next chapter. I'll stay quiet.

Those are the 3 main characters, but there's some fairly important SCs as well that you should eventually get to know. ^^

As for just letting them go like that, it's not like he could keep them and just have them not spread it at all in there. The cops would come inside, most likely, and they'd have a better chance at escape outside, I'd think.

It doesn't matter what you think of the doctor, this is his only part in the story. Yes, that was kind of his attitude about it, but he knows they won't just go and spread it because they're human, and it's morally wrong. Of course, there's no promises for later...

Anyways, thanks for catching a few typos and little things I need to fix!

No matter how many times I read over, I never seem to be able to catch all the typos! Thank you for your review, and I hope you drop by and read more in the future. (There probably will be typos.)

Well, them putting their guns down the first time was a trick. I think they were exploring the option of a peaceful end, but Shay made it apparent early on that wasn't happening, same with Carson and Marena. Yes, although they were taken out as some would say easy on terms trained agents vs fifteen year old girl, Shay did miss and not get where she was aiming several times.

Also, yes, she has realized it, and glad you like it. This chapter always worried me- it seems like the place where people might start to dislike her, as she just killed three people. But it's for survival.

It is a very frightening reality, yes, and I feel like it adds a certain fear factor to the story, from the POV of the characters and the readers themselves. The characters are always afraid they'll touch someone and ultimately kill them (now this may change.... *wink wink*)

And glad I was able to pull it the broadcast. I tried to remember how some went when there were the outbreaks of Swine Flu, Bird Flu, Influenza, ect.

The countdowns and what not felt more like something that actually would be in an area like that- I wasn't necessarily thinking about the suspense aspect, but I could see what I could tweak to address what you pointed out.

I don't mind if you point out language mistakes, I often find I need someone to help me pick out the typos I miss. (There's a lot more than I thought)

Sorry it took so long to respond, things got busy.

Eh, I see how it can be depressing... It was just kind of a way to illuminate the bleak reality of their new situation- and it's only going to go downhill.

 

As for the broadcast, hmmm. I think either the doctor told them or one of the officers noticed.

I was browsing through the comments and saw where you said you were going for a creepy feel, which I must say was certainly achieved here. The chapter does have a very creepy, eerie feel to it with enough mystery to keep the reader reading to the end. I liked how you told us very little- it kept us wandering.

The text in italics, which I assume are his thoughts, are a nice touch but as some times remove the sense of professionalism from the story. I get it is the thoughts of the character and it helps flesh them out and give us some insight to their personality, but some of the things didn't seem to really belong with the general tone of the rest of the chapter. Just me being picky, though!

Overall, I do like this. It's a promising start with enough mystery and intrigue to keep me want to reading. I'll see if I have enough time to review a few more chapters later tonight.

The lack of POV change made this chapter a little easier to follow, but I almost wish we'd had one. I want to know how Carey felt on the journey- and, when she was trying to escape, why wouldn't she just use her powers? I'm assuming she doesn't have much, or any, control over them, but she at least should have tried.

256 is interesting, although it felt a little weird to have a character named by a number. I hope she gives him a name to start calling him by or something, it just feels weird. Not bad, but it's different. However sometimes different is good.

I like this chapter, and it shows Carey is a fighter. The writing is nice and flows well, and I forgot to mention how well written the action sequence was. It all felt very real and Carey's counterattacks impressed me. Keep up the good work!

Eh, saw it coming. It was a pretty gut wrenching scene, however, when he dragged Carey away from the family. You could almost picture the looks on their faces. Poor Wesley will take it the worst out of anyone, I'm afraid. I've grown up knowing Lindsay as a girl's name so I keep thinking he's a girl, but that's irrelevant.

At the moment I'm still not sure what to think about Janelle and Samantha. They don't seem to be as interesting as Carey, but that's just because not much is going on in their lives at the moment. Anyways, another good chapter, keep up the good work!

This story looked pretty interesting as well, so I decided to check it out. I'm just gonna say I'm glad I did. Although the gifted powers that center around the elements isn't the most original thing in the world, the overall plot seems pretty original and the story is well written. I mentioned in the other story of your's I've read that i like the writing style- it's nice, flows well, and has plenty of detail.

One thing that irked me was how the POVs switched several times in the chapter without a page break or a line to show. I didn't get confused because third person POV makes POV changes easier to understand, but some might. By the way, I like Janelle's name.

Overall it's a good start, and nice cliffhanger at the end. Looks like Carey really is gifted.

Nice tension and buildup to the end. It was a little confusing, but the POV was confused so I feel as if that was the intention. If it was, good job making us feel what the character was feeling.

As it was rather short I feel like there's not much I can say, but I think it was a well paced chapter that easily has the reader wanting to learn more. You didn't tell, or show, but foreshadowed for things to come. I want to know more about Kim and Ira and their past- good job so far.

Uh, you find out later on, but on average 7 days. It varies depending on the age of the victim.

As for the truck, yes, it was a little strange, but I never gave much thought about it really. I think Carson made a remark on how it looked like it was just some crazy guy ready for doomsday. I might have to figure out a way to make it more believeable, lol. It does seem kind of far fetched. :p

Haha, reviews can be difficult at times. I didn't want to spoil her fate but I think everyone could see it coming.

And Shay kind of already had an idea, but she's rather stubborn and hard-headed, so witnessing her death was like the extra kick.

I think I just realized this is Pokemon fanfiction. Eh, sorry.

As from reading over your bio, I think this is a fanfiction oneshot? Maybe? Possibly? Not sure which fandom it is so I'm not sure if you own the characters or not, but even if you don't you brought a certain life to them that's refreshing to see. Each one felt different and had distinct personality traits that were well written out- you did a lot of showing, not telling, which is always good.

Although rather short, it flowed nicely with a rich choice of words that led up to the kiss at the end. One thing I found odd was how she explained her entire back story on social awkwardness, but I don't know the character so it might be something she does. (If this is a fanfiction.)

Makes sense. I wanted to go back and remove that after starting the first chapter where it said "six months earlier" but I guess I'll just have to read to figure it out!

Yes, yes YES! Finally I find a story here with explosions and shootouts. You write action scenes so well- it flows fluidly and the descriptive tone you have to your writing doesn't smother the suspense- it's still there, adding a nice touch, but it's toned back so the pace isn't interrupted. I know there wasn't much in terms of action going on here, and some more backstory (still not severe info-dumping, so good job) but it shows promise. The summary basically told me there'd be action, but now I'm just reassured.

Only complaint is watch those run on sentences- I found a smaller amount in this chapter, but there's still a few. Just a little proofreading should fix that right up.

We all want to do it, but who really shoots an alarm clock? I probably would if I slept with a gun on my nightstand, but still. Does she have neighbors? And if so, wouldn't they be concerned about a gunshot? Imagine her having to try to tell the police she shot her alarm clock.

As for the alarm clock deal, if there hadn't been a prologue I probably woulda nagged about this- stories that start out with the MC waking up to alarm clocks bug the hell out of me, but you did it in a unique way and it wasn't the "official" start of the story, so I'm gonna let it slide.

One last thing- we're all guilty of this, but beware that first chapter info dump. It slows things down quite a lot. But good job on the world building- it's very unique and sets up for a promising story, and feels like there's actually a real chance it could happen. Good job.

Good start. It's a prologue, not a first chapter, so the usual first chapter stuff I run over typically is hereby irrelevant. I liked the descriptions and word choice- it flowed very nicely except for in some spots where run on sentences created a little drag. I found several, more towards the beginning of the chapter than the end. A little tweaking and breakage would work well for those, it would just help repair the flow.

So far it was a nice start and has me wanting to read the first chapter, but he has his eyes? Who's eyes did this man's resemble? You might want to make that clear.

It was sad? I didn't intend it to be- it was more so a kind of foreshadowing to showing Shay's gonna have to step up to survive, and her father was kind of giving her a tool to help her. No person wants to willingly send their kid into a death trap, which is essentially what she's walking into.

No spoiler alerts for Cassie... Just read on, you'll find her fate soon.

Hmmm... Never really thought of that. When I wrote it I figured it was something along the lines of the government didn't know but the police were somehow notified. I kind of left it open, like, maybe the doctor called them in before giving them all the information? Or something like that. Maybe I should go back and look over that.

 

Personally after this chapter I'm starting to think the white-haired girl, or Emma, is really just someone obsessed with birds. She asked him about ducks in the first chapter and now she almost has an emotional breakdown because one died- or, she can read thoughts of dying things, but the MC wasn't't dying, so... As of right now I'm kind of drawing a blank on her besides my bird fetish theory.

The scene between him and the counselor felt really real, and yet again manages to tug at the heart strings. I've been reading too many novels that involve cancer recently- none of them are happy ones. The part where he mentioned how there's always someone to blame really did feel like a trial an everyday person would go through- it's the natural reaction to find someone to put blame upon when something as tragic as losing a sibling happens. So good job there.

Overall, I'm still not entirely sure what direction the story is taking, but I'm planning on continuing to read along anyways.

I like the little ending, how it explains how quickly it spread. The symptoms part was also good, showing how quickly the chaos grew and how difficult it would be to pinpoint any certain disease or virus (even though this is unknown) to a patient. If it takes ten to twelve hours then why, in the first chapter, did the Doctor fall and die almost immediately? I might assume he was already infected before arriving...

Well, although it's only two chapters in, I like this. I usually like zombie stories or apocalypse stories in general because with them comes a certain promise for action I can't turn down. I like the direction this is heading in.

Keep it up.

 

As someone who's seem probably every mainstream zombie movie\show, it gets hard for anything of the genre to feel original after a while, but every story always has a different approach to the other. I appreciate the ones based more around a viral type thing, because personally I find that more believable. One thing that I found odd was how it killed him so quickly, but at the same time I found myself liking it- it's the little thing I mentioned earlier how every zombie story is different. The almost immediate death is a factor I've yet to see.

I very much like your writing style- it's descriptive, fluid, and paints a good picture. I couldn't find any grammar or spelling errors and the word choice was spot on, so cookie for you. Only question I really have at the moment is why did he willingly release the zombie virus, especially on himself? I'm assuming we'll learn more of it later.

Keep up the good work!

 

We find out the reason why those 8 survived towards the end of the story. I decided to not reveal it until towards the end to keep the reader as well as the characters guessing.

Thanks for the review, if there any other work of yours you'd like me to check out?

We find out the reason why those 8 survived towards the end of the story. I decided to not reveal it until towards the end to keep the reader as well as the characters guessing.

Thanks for the review, if there any other work of yours you'd like me to check out?

Glad to know you liked the characters, and I guess it isn't a total bad thing because the first 3 mentioned are the main 3. It's good to know the supporting cast as well, as some are more important than others, but they become more distinct throughout the story.

As for the field trip, they would allow them to go to a place as the CDC as long as it was guided and they were far away from anything that could harm them. Obivously that's why the group had to sneak away. That's why there was the tour guide and teachers with him- as long as they stayed on a certain path it wouldn't be exactly dangerous.

Your paragraphs are formatted weird. I think it might be a glitch or something, but all those excessive spaces made it a lot longer and scrolling more frequent, which I found interrupted the flow of the story a lot. Also, the length of the paragraphs seemed odd, how they wold jump to long to one line and back again.

Griping about the paragraphs aside, I only recently started watching Supernatural (when there's several boxes of pizza and an excuse to not write essays involved I couldn't turn it down) but I know enough to understand what going's on and who Sam and Dean and the others (that aren't OCs) are. You did a nice job maintaining the Supernatural vibe and the personality of the characters.

There's grammar errors and run on sentences in several places, I would recommend some proofreading and revision to catch\fix those. This was rather long for a first chapter, but it felt like not much happened, in truth. I will admit to skimming in a few places.

Overall it's a good start, so keep up the good work.

"Three mocha-lattes and two banana splits later, and I am still in the dumps."
 - " Even after three mocha lattes and two banana splits I'm still in the dumps."

 

I'm not going to nag about the whole "transformation over the summer" cliche because I think about everybody goes through one, and you just have the characters talk about it then immediatley skip to them driving off. I feel like there should have at least been something on them picking out new clothes for Dakota.

"Teehee!" A loud giggle catches my attention. I would suggest cutting out the teehee and just leaving it as "A loud giggle catches my attention." It seems kind of goofy like this, if you get what I'm saying?

When Quinn is writing the symbols and chanting I find it weird Kota isn't questioning if he's doing a satanic ritual or something. If i had been in her shoes that most likely would have been the first thought running through my head, or that it was some kind of cult. Her curiosity certainly does get the better of her in this case.

I will admit, I skipped over the part that was in the intro. Read it and reviewed already. I'm not going to suggest cutting the blurb from either chapter because it stands fine as is.

Nice descriptions of the world on the other side of the mirror, and the paragraph about the foods she was craving was perfectly relatable to about every person in the entire world, so good job there. The cliffhanger at the end there was good, but I've noticed all 3 of the chapters I've read so far end with something along the lines of "why me." They aren't always saying those exact words, but it can be based back to that. So I'd suggest tweaking and rewording just so it doesn't get repetitive.

Overall another good chapter, but the same grammar, spelling, spacing and punctuation errors as last time rise again. Nothing really worth nagging over because fixing errors doesn't help the story quality get better, just the grammar quality- I promise you I won't nag on it much, just some good proofreading will fix it.

That was certainly sad. But me in a dismal mood. Anyways, for a first chapter this did a good job of introducing the main characters and their plight (at least some of it) in a small word count. (Compared to other first chapters I've read around here, that it.)

The flow is nice and the paragraphs aren't hideously long or unbearably short, they find a nice medium. I actually quite like your writing style! I felt really bad for Jake, he isn't handling this well, but the fact he sees his twin every time he looks in a mirror isn't much better.

Also, not sure why, but when the mysterious white-haired girl asked him if he liked ducks I laughed. Not sure why, but I did.

One thing I'm going to nag about here, and it's really small, but he says how he runs to the bridge over the river, then a few paragraphs later mentions how there's no water. So it would be a riverbed, then. Just my griping, but otherwise there's nothing really worth editing or nagging about. Keep up the good work.

Oh, the dreaded alarm clock opening. It's perfectly relatable scenario yet I've found it's rather cliche, and in almost every teen fiction story you come across on the internet. I might suggest changing this, but changing opening are hard, so really it's alright where it is.

The transition from her wondering about what her Gram wants to discuss with her to directly floundering over a hot guy feels weird, and even though there's the page break I would suggest a little bridge between the two, like you know, her riding the bus and suffering through the day all summed up in a paragraph or so. Also, how would she know he has a sexy six pack? I'm sorry, but this just kinda irks me. I can tell he's going to be the main protagonist and all, and i get she's fawning over him, but he was described as basically a Gary-Stu. I'd suggest giving him flaws, like you know, he's short, his 'curly red hair' is too curly, or his nose has been broken so many times from football it's crooked. Little things like that. Give him more of a personality.

"The she-devil ‘Brittney worship me Carson’ tries to cling to Quinn like a leach." *leech. And I had to read over this line a few times to make sense of it. Also, when the MC calls Brittney a bimbo, I get it's from her perspective and all, but the way she worded it just sounded harsh. I'm also sick of the cliche where the girl who has the MC's crush is described as a bimbo.

Atleast Dakota doesn't seem like a mary-sue. You described her and gave her accurate flaws (physically.) No problem with that.

"Am I really so forgettable." There should be a question mark instead of a period there, but I also can't get over how unlikely this really is. No matter how invisible the student, they will always be in the yearbook- there's a list of students! Unless someone decided not to put Dakota in the yearbook she would have been there, but, from what you shadowed on, we are supposed to believe it's because nobody knows she exists besides Ann.

The whole exchange at the end confused me. I'd suggest starting a new paragraph every time there's a new speaker and making it more clear who's talking.

Overall, I really liked the direction the intro and preface were taking, but it feels like this chapter just threw me backwards. I get it, it's a first chapter and I know what they're meant to do, and it isn't bad by any means, but there's several things that could be fixed to make it better. There's a lot of grammar, prose, spacing and punctuation errors that I, as a grammar nazi, struggled to look past, but when I review I don't like to gripe about errors because what's so useful about that? I'd just suggest lots of proofreading to fix that.

I hope this really didn't sound too harsh- I don't dislike your story and I don't think it's bad or poor quality at all. I would suggest editing though, but what I saw here won't keep me from reading on, as I like the premise and the first 2 little blurbs were promising.

Okay, here's a little run over of the first two little intro chapters.

I noticed in the summary you put 'savige' instead of 'savage.' Just pointing it out. ^^

"I am overcome with the urge to touch it. I reach forward to touch it." It feels like the word touch was repeated here and it made the sentence feel awkward. It felt like it was too soon to use the word again. I'd suggest wording it more along the lines of "I am overcome with the urge to touch it. I reach forward, intending to feel just what's there." Or something like that.

For the preface I can't say much, but I'd suggest rewording the last paragraph. The way you wrote 'just my luck' just felt a little choppy and off. Nothing wrong with it, I'd just recommend some rewording. ^^

 

Off to read the actual chapters now.

So, I'm guessing when someone falls unconscious in the dream world they go back to reality? This is a cool idea though, has a little bit of an Alice in Wonderland feel to it with the owl and the descriptions of the very dream-like nature. By the way, the descriptions were wonderful and very well done and don't interrupt with the flow of the story.

Is Aisling's skin gray in the dream world, or is it really gray in reality as well? That paragraph explaining it kind of confused me and threw me off. I like her character however and I'd like to get to know more about why she's sad and lonely, and as for Cyrus he made it seem far to easy to discover her emotions. However, he was "the same." The way you have people exit from the dream world was also a nice touch.

So far this is really good, not much happens but it sets up a window for a lot more to come. Keep up the good work!

I think oh my wow is a good thing, correct? Anyways, I understand what you mean. I've spent countless hours browsing through stories that are just awful. It gets harder and harder to find good stories in any genre as the more tween girls realize they can write stories about them and their favorite boyband...

Nonetheless, I'm glad you enjoyed this and found the characters each different in their own way. Looking forward to more comments from you!

I was just actually watching South Park a little while ago, so not hearing cusswords and racist jokes or even encountering Cartman at all felt a little weird, but this story isn't trying to capture the same essence the show does- I figured that out pretty fast.

The situations all felt pretty real, and each character has a different problem. It also feld odd to me that Stan and Kyle grew apart, but I once lost a friend because of the same reason Kyle did too. Butters has never struck me as a cross dresser, but for this story I think it works.

I noticed a few grammar and capitalization errors, but it's nothing I feel worth nagging about. Overall I like this, and I've never read South Park fiction before but it feels very original. Good job and keep up the good work.

This chapter has me wanting to throw pineapples and raspberries in a blender and try to figure out what that fruit tasted like. I'm serious, those are two of my favorite fruits. Anyways, this confirmed my fear that Aedain killed Abarran while also supporting my theory May's going to have a relationship with her guard... Crap, I forgot his name. It's been so long since I read this. x.x

"May was sleeping soundly, when she felt someone poking her." One thing I found was I'd suggest getting rid of the comma. The sentence flows a lot better that way.

Overall, another good chapter. Aedain is easily a very evil and despicable character. He was in the other chapters, but all she did was offer her some fruit. And the demons at the end, who clearly wanted to do things to poor May...

Also, her breaking down felt very real and accurate, if you get what I'm saying. I was surprised she hadn't broken already. She's a very strong protagonist, but with everything going to hell around her I'm surprised she made it this far. It shows how strong of a character she is.

I've got to ask, as the summary was pretty vague, where exactly is the story going? I haven't picked up that much plot yet, just mostly centered around Anthony and Minty's life.What his mother said was rather cruel and insensitive and I felt bad for Mint. I'm glad she came around though.

Is her artistic ability increased by the chemicals mentioned in the previous chapter? I do believe that's the case, but if not it might seem just a tad far fetched. :p

"I nod and hug my mother again before she leaves my apartment. As I sit on the couch and begin to watch TV a smile creeps onto my face. My mother’s a tough cookie, but even Mint managed to break her in half and reveal her soft, loving center." That was a really, really good analogy there. Here's a soft, warm cookie for you.

After the rather long first chapter this short one was a nice break. It feels a little short to give much of a comment on, but the chemical meltdown creating mutants is certainly a new take. I must ask, even though the dog was supposed to become enhanced after the chemicals, painting? But it's the future and I don't know enough about the world building yet to really gripe.

Damn, it didn't go as planned. At least he believed her, or so I think, but she possibly could have said she was going at night because she didn't want anyone to watch her. Of course, if she'd said that playing off why Eren was with her would be a little more difficult.

“I only wanted to bath. I was looking for some water, I took Eren for company,” Caught this- you meant bathe, correct? Otherwise I didn't find any errors, but I wasn't looking.

The story was pretty depressing, not sure why someone, even a demon, would tell a ten year old kid that, but I wasn't expecting Aedain to be the son of the king he talked about in his story. If the king was not a demon, then does that make Aedain a halfblood like Eren?

Another good chapter, but there's a few things I decided I should point out-

Eren's relevation- May didn't seem to have much, if any, reaction to the fact he was a halfbreed. He just seemed to say it and then she didn't even react. I know that if I was her her shoes and this "innocent" little boy just told me his father was a demon I would probably freak out.

actually, this was the only thing I felt like I needed to point out I guess. It angers me how the demons are disrespectful towards May and Eren, and actually, they're just kind of jerks in general. But they are, well, demons. I hope they escape quickly.

Sometimes short chapters are a nice break. Coming off of reading a story where there's almost never a short chapter this was a nice, humorous break. I read a story once, not on here, that reminds me of this one. Kind of random, felt sometimes a little too random, but still made you laugh because it had you saying "what the fuck?" That was a zombie apocalypse story. This one's different, and doesn't feel as random and strange as that one was.

Same little things to nitpick and complain about as the last chapter- in some places it seems short and choppy, interrupting the overall flow of the story. Also, the use of capitalized words is a little pet peeve of mine. I know you used it to show a character shouting or put emphasis on something, but you don't exactly have to do that when you could just use words to describe them shouting instead of capitalizing it. It's just me, but I feel like it looks sort of juvenile.

"Kaeron walked over and squatted in front of her, pulling the woolen sock from her mouth. Meanwhile, the previous guard and a second just entering gave a warning yelp." Wait, what? I'd recommend rewording or clarification here.

"But perhaps, this human thief was simply… demented.

The girl watched him as he contemplated her words.

"I'm not afraid of death, you know," she said, trying to fill up his silence.

Insert observations.

He still did not respond; it was aggravating.

"Hello? You dead?"she questioned. When he didn't respond, she spouted: "Blegh, you're so boring!"

Insert boring monologue.

The minutes that passed by were monotonous. She had run out of ideas as to what he was thinking.

"Fine! Fine! I'll tell you my name!" the girl cried, vulnerable to boredom. "It's Erilee.""

This felt really choppy, and there's not really any need to make a new paragraph when a new character doesn't speak. It interrupted the flow you had going for the story.

Otherwise, I think I'm going to like this story. A drnk girl steals an elf prince's horse. Sounds like the Hangover with a fantasy twist. The summary however is rather vague, and doesn't really shed any light on the humor or the plot really that we unearthed in the first chapter. (Good job with the humor, by the way. I laughed at several of her remarks.) Sometimes the story felt choppy, but otherwise it was a good start.

Well, she's certainly found herself in a sticky situation. At least Eren is there with her, and thankfully not dead. Once again the descriptions were spot on and didn't get too wordy- the flowed nicely with the story while painting a good mental image.

Otherwise I'd like to know what happened to the people back at the temple. Are they dead? Taken hostage as well? No worse for wear? I'm more concerned with what befalls May and Eren at the camp of the demons, however, and the title of the next chapter doesn't make it look very optimistic. Good work yet again.

I couldn't help but laugh when she cursed like that in front of Abarran. I'm sure no Lady is supposed to ever speak like that, but especially in front of her fiance. It was a good way to show May doesn't really belong in these times.

The description of the demon was fantastic, quite terrifying. Although I don't think May would care much, I have a feeling Abarran was killed back in the temple, along with the priest. The cliffhanger was brilliant, by the way. I would read and review more if my television show wasn't about to come on. I'll do so afterwords.

Shay and Marena have this kind of contrast that makes their relationship even more fun to write. However, the people didn't know this- as the broadcast the previous night stated they don't know much.

It seems like most people would know the reference though, or at least I thought. You might live in a different place than I do, but here it seems like everyone and their dog has read the Hunger Games. I can understand where you're coming from, though.

Nice to know I'm not as awful at writing romance as initially thought. Thanks for that. I may or may not be dissapointing you when I say this, but the romance kind of is on a backburner in the story. It's there, but it's not overpowering as you often see in YA fiction these days.

Some chapters feel dull to me, but it's nice to know not everyone agrees with me. Sometimes I write chapters that all that might go on is arguing or a small little bit of plot development, but I guess it works!

Well.. It's not that they aren't lacking balls, so to say, but more like they still have more humanity. Carson is, I will confirm, the next person to step up when needed, but him and Owen aren't like Shay and Marena. At the moment he's just laying back because it's his personality- he's only mature when required, and although he's sarcastic and cocky he can be like the others, but he hasn't been in the line of fire just yet, so to say. Same with Owen.

Otherwise, I'm glad you've liked it so far.

Well, I'll admit, I was almost discouraged to read this after looking at the length of the first chapter. Almost ten thousand words. That was pretty much my main buff that I came across with this chapter- it felt like it could have worked better broken up into two or three, possibly four depending on what you figured worked best as the author instead of one daunting piece of text. It gave off a one-shot vibe. Also, it could possibly be an info dump, getting out a lot of the story to come in chapter one.

Now, on the the things I did like. Anthony's narrative is very witty, and who doesn't love a witty character? The setting is nice and well-described, but in some places, as in the description of the cat-woman felt a little off. It seemed strange he waited a few paragraphs after meeting her to describe her.

I found myself getting lost in a few places, but that might also be due to the fact it's almost 2 am and I'm having trouble focusing. This can probably be related back to the long length of the chapter.

Overall, this was more than enough to get me to keep reading. It's a little strange, but I like it and Anthony's POV is certainly fun to read from. Sorry if this felt a little negative and grumpy because that wasn't my intent, you did a good job. Keep it up. ~

At least they let him live, although it doesn't seem like he's in much better state.

One thing I need to point out that's been bothering me the last few chapters is how you capitalize words where the characters are yelling them. It's just a personal peeve, but I prefer to use words to show instead of capitalization. I'm not sure why, it just appears kind of juvenile- I'm not calling the story that so don't take it as I'm being rude or insulting your story, because I like it. It's just a little peeve, and as my reviews aren't offering much on constructive crit I figured I'd try. There's not much I can really rag on, though.

This story certainly seems to get darker with each chapter. A second war with demons, them wiping out (and I'm guessing eating entire towns...) that's screwed up, but it's in the makings for an original story with a promise of action. Kinda dissapointed Eren didn't kick demon ass, but oh well, I'm sure it's coming eventually. Keep up the good work.

Good job on the cliffhanger. It was pretty evil. I would hope you won't kill probably the most innocent character in the story, but... The more he's around in the story the more he grows on me. You've done a good job at creating a cast of likeable protagonists. They've each got different traits and each have a visual in my head, same with the supporting characters and the antagonists.

This chapter did some nice foreshadowing of things to come, and hopefully an action packed chapter to follow.

I was under the assumption this chapter would be just a mere filler until I continued to read one. I'll just say that although violence doesn't bother me, the eating of the organs, well, did. It didn't feel... right.. but these are obviously the antagonists we're dealing with here so hopefully May will kick some cannibal ass later on.

Anyways, I found Eren to be quite adorable and likeable and I hope we hear from him more in the story. Hope the bad guys don't find him out in the woods..

“May the demons rip me apart! Damn! I swear, if my father learns of this, he’ll chop my balls off so that I won’t sully my family name!” Sorry, but that made me laugh. You hardly ever hear people swear in fantasy stories, it was a pleasant, humorous surprise.

"Suddenly Levi froze, stopping the interesting display of swear words. He lifted his head and stared at May, his blue eyes wide-opened and jaw slack as he came to the realization." You said that Levi had brown eyes in the previous chapter? Was it a mistake there or here?

That poor little boy. It felt a little cliche, as you come across someone stealing it seems in almost every fantasy story, but it was a ten year old boy and they were beating him. I'm glad May stepped in.

 

A dark magic portal to the other world. I honestly can't help but get a feeling that Maewyn and May were supposed to switch places, as if whoever landed the mirror in their hands wanted it to be so. I'm actually getting pretty in to the mystery of the story at this point- the plot is developing excellently and I quite like May as a character- she's curious, spunky and strong, which I have a feeling she's going to need later on.

Also, I forgot to mention this my last few comments but you really are an amazing writer. The descriptions are excellent, you never fail to create a mental image for the reader. You have a way with words my friend.

The intrigue of the story seems to delve deeper with each chapter. It didn't surprise me when it was revealed she could speak and read in the native tongue, although I wasn't exactly expecting it either. It felt like a well planned point that's going to matter later on in the story- am I correct?

As for Hilda, she seems rather rude to Maewyn. You did a good job on illustrating how May's personality is different than the girl's who's body she inhabits and how it affects everyone around her. Another good chapter.

you have no idea how scared I was the readers would hate Shay after this chapter, but I'm glad you don't. She is a strong character, but she's also never exactly been a warm person- she's always lacked empathy, so to say, but she has morals- or did. But she knows that if her and her friends aren't dying then these people have to. I'm glad you liked the chapter.

I think I already mentioned they don't actually die fast- it's just immediatley upon infection they go into brutal coughing that lasts about a minute, but then they seem fine.

And would you mind explaining how it's very American..lol? Sounds odd, so to say.

Carson's kind of silly, but he knows when to boost up his maturity. Also, I've always noticed people's eyes. That's what I tend to notice first about someone, actually. The sunglasses is certainly something they should do, but I hate to say in their panic they don't ever think about it until we're almost done with the story. Thanks for the positive feedback again, I'll do my best to review at least four chapters of Mystic Mirror tomorrow.

Actually, it's just the infection point that happens directly after. You don't know this yet but find out I think in around chapter 17 that the virus takes one week to kill- the patient's reaction just happens directly after and ends about a minute or so later. I once thought about having them drop dead, and although scary it seemed a little unrealistic. Thanks for the comment again, and I'm so sorry I've been lacking in my reviews of Mystic Mirror. When I come home I tend to just crash and I forget about everything I'm supposed to do.

Really sorry it's taking so long to return all the reviews, this week has ended up being a lot more hectic than I planned it to be.

Although short, I felt like this didn't have much really to do with the plot, which is my only tiny critique over this chapter. When they mentioned the child I assumed they were talking about May, but when they said he I was thrown off. It makes sense though, adding another dosage of mystery into the plot. So really there isn't even a valid thing to stress over there. ^^

The descriptions and flow of words were yet again beautifully done. That poor falcon man thing. Not sure what it's called, although I'm sure you will explain that later. Another good chapter, sorry it's taking so long to get back to you. Should free up tomorrow.

Sorry it took so long, I haven't been home all day.

 

Alright, now on to the review. I like how she played them for having a concussion that deducted her memory to explain her lack of knowledge about the situation- it felt very real and something I think most people would do. Now, for the critique-

You seem to say May an awful lot, but it's not exactly a bad thing, but "May thought, May said, May did" might start to sound repetitive after a while. I once read somewhere that unless the occasion of two characters conversing you only want to use their names 3-4 times per page, instead replacing with "he" or "she." That's personally the only critique I have to offer you right now, but that's good- there's not much to pick apart in this story, which isn't a bad thing at all. It shows you have a good piece of work here.

Also, the touch at the end with Maewyn in May's body was a nice touch... Certainly promising. Will there be an entire chapter from just her POV?

Thank you yet again for the kind comment. If you don't mind me asking, when did they pause to gossip about their friends again? I skimmed the chapter and found a few places it might have been taken as that way.

I see the problem's since been solved, but before I would simply copy and paste my work from word. I would have to go through and reapply things like bold text and whatnot, but I never seemed to find a problem with it. It should be fixed now!

"This has got to be some joke, she thought and waddled over to the mirror." I don't know why, and even after you described how the dress was uncomfortable on May I imagined her walking like a penguin. This is awful childish of me but I couldn't help it. xP

Before I go on, I don't know why but I loved the touch of the stars. It's a very subtle way of telling the reader that we, as well as May, have been transported not just back in time, but to another world. May's reaction to it felt very human like and real. Most people would have behaved the same, finding any way possible to confirm it was a dream when it wasn't.

After a chapter than spent most of it's time painting beautiful pictures of the new world May's stuck in and her desperation and fear, the ending felt like "Well, that escalated quickly." It's good, though- a nice lead in to the next chapter, which I'm starting to notice you have a nack for doing.

One other thing I must applaud you on is the lack of in-depth details about every little thing of the world you built as you see often in fantasy stories. Words can't even describe how happy I am about this, it's the main reason why I don't dig fantasy. I don't have any problem if you sprinke in descriptions here and there, but as long as you don't dump it on me all at once I will be very pleased. Keep up the good work!

That was a good start, a little long, but good. The characters were fleshed out pretty well and the descriptions and flow are nice and smooth. Poor May, you really feel for her about the whole struggle with her sister, although their relationship felt very real when arguing.

As for the mirror, I like it. It's a classic cliche that's tweaked just enough so it's not cliche anymore. After May passed out I figured it was the end of it with some great cliffhanger, but I soon realized someone else is going to be effected by this mirror as well. This might just be me, but I have a feeling that the similarity in name between May and Maeywn isn't a coincidence. Overall good start and I'm looking forward to reading more.

Alright, a few things before we begin-

I'm not going to be able to offer you the best critique on plot here as I don't read fantasy, so forgive me on that. I'm also not the biggest fan of the genre, but that is by no means saying I won't like the story. I don't have an accurate enough impression yet from the prologue to say I do or don't, but I think I'm leaning towards the first.

It's just a short prologue so I can't say much, but the ending certainly shocked me. I was thought wait, he's a bad guy? Anyways, off to read the first chapter.

This was where I expected it to pick up for most people. I too find the first few a little boring, but the next few are pretty much like this one, except the stakes are raised quite a lot. I'm happy to know my MC is likeable, and I'm actually glad she comes off as confident, she's supposed to. It sounds a little weird coming from me, but her character's rather cocky and confident, but she uses it to drive her. Cassie's thinking in the heat of the moment, and that's a unique take I never considered. Hmm, I never thought of this. With the stakes I might actually suspect they would, especially if someone working inside the CDC had tipped them off- I'm not saying that happened, as I never gave it much thought. Your reviews are provoking a lot of thought with my work, thank you! And I feel rather honored you gave up shopping to read.

I see. Well, it wasn't exactly like it was a super top-secret, as it wasn't planned to be released there, or have the workers be exposed. I can see how this could be viewed as a plot hole, but I'm kind of at a blank on how to tweak it without stretching disbelief even more than I already have. Also, it was never specified if a keycode lock wasn't there- Katrina did slip in as the worker slipped out and Cassie let them in. I can understand all the things you pointed out and will consider ways to adress them.

 

I'll try to review Mystic Mirror tonight, but I ended up being out later than I thought. I'll do my best to respond to the rest of the commentsyou left me and head over to review your work. (:

Well, the doctor saw it as they needed to be informed of what they're capable of, or what they have to do. The ladder is a little darker, and they won't walk into it with open arms so it doesn't really work, but it's how he saw things. I can say he didn't tell them everything- they find out bits and pieces through the span of the story.

 

Yeah, I will have to agree with you that the length of the first chapter is something that does appear a little daunting, and not much happens the first chapter. I never thought of it as cliche before, but I could see how it cab easily be. I spent most of my time introducing and fleshing out my characters, which I'm glad you enjoyed, but I can see how they might interrupt the flow. The first thhree- Shay, Carson and Marena are pretty much the 3 main characters, so as long as you remember them I guess I still succeeded. Each character has screen time, but we don't see much of it here. And there's 8, I suppose counting Cassie there is nine, but she doesn't become one of the main group the story follows.

overall, thank you very much for your comment! I'll try to return the favor later today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oops, thanks for catching those few things. I type quite fast but never seem to notice those tiny little errors when proofreading. I could try to reword that paragraph, use different words that still have the same basis meaning. I never really considered the disgruntled employee being someone with a conscience, but hmm.. Anyways, thank you for the comment!

This chapter did pretty much everything you'd expect a first chapter to do- cover the setting, introduce the characters, and foreshadow events to come, so on terms of content it was good. It felt a little wordy at times, but it worked towards the overall appeal of your story, it just felt like it could have been simpler at times. That's the only real complaint I have. The ending worked well to set up the next chapter, it definitely would have kept the reader turning pages. One thing, though- the opening line "A girl in a high school uniform stared at the sign of a well-established facility." I'm not sure why, but it just didn't feel like it worked, so to say. The first couple sentences should pull the reader in, but this one didn't really work for me. I kept reading none the less and wasn't disappointing, but it just didn't feel like it worked to me- it kinda felt like a sentence fragment. Anyways, enough rambling- there really isn't much wrong with the piece here, it just feels kinda long. Otherwise I will probably be dropping back in to read more, as it's unique and something I've never read before. Also, the PsiCo thing made me laugh. Nice touch there.~

This chapter was longer and did a fairly good job with fleshing out the characters a little more, but the time jump threw me off at first. I can understand why you did this to help move the story along quicker, so I won't really even nag about that. ""My father is a righteous man," Ham growled to himself, as salty rivers of sweat ran over his skin, tenderizing and priming it for the sun's daily roasting." I loved this line- excellent choice of words and usage of imagery. I like your writing style- it's short, yet elegant and descriptive. Keep it up.

I see, thanks for pointing this out. And thank you! And no I don't use pictures, I just have a very strong mental image of my characters, so I guess you could say it's a picture in a way!

It took me about three paragraphs for me to figure out this was a retelling of Noah's Ark... that's kind of shameful. I think the piece is good, but I can't make any judgements on character just yet as it was a mere 510 word introduction, and unless this is one of those retellings-with-a-twist I already know where this is going. However, that's not a bad thing, as you're a good writer and you've proven you have the capability through the introduction, so keep it up there. One question I must ask, is Yahweh God? I can't ever remember him being referred to that.

Okay, so I before I get to the nitty gritty grammar errors, I'll do a runby of what works in this story's favor. The writing was nice and descriptive and the story's plotline sounds fairly original, but as far as the first chapter goes that's really about it. I just found it difficult to get past the grammar and spelling errors because the sentence fragments and other aspects made for a shaky read. For example- "Kayden missed the country area he had grown up in for one specific reason. Reason being cause he could sit in the open fields in the night air" When you put a period there it inturrputs the flow, and the sentences would have sounded better as one. For example- "Kayden missed the country area he'd grown up in for one specific reason- he could sit in the open fields in the night air." You have sentences like this a lot and there's a few typos that can be fixed with proofreading, like you said "rapid" instead of "rabid" when describing the animal across his neck. I hope this wasn't too harsh, because honestly I like the story and it has a lot of potential, but tweaking and editing would really harness more of that. ^^

Alright, so, to start off, that first paragraph was beautiful. Actually, the entire chapter was beautiful in it's own right- the sense of writing style here is descriptive, poetic and elegant, but the first paragraph was a flippin' amazing start to a story. Zombie stories are starting to get really overused these days, but this one has a twist that I'm confident with saying has never been used before. (Also, the description of the zombie was excellent.) The world seems fairly well-built with the lack of the typical "zombie story with an effort to make original" kind of vibe. We've seen it all done on the Walking Dead- except for unicorns and humans who hunt them. That's different, so five points for originality. I couldn't find any errors here and the flow was nice and smooth. The ending sentence was almost as strong as the starting one. You're an amazing writer- keep it up.

Some of the paragraphs got super long, to start things out. I feel like sentences and words could have been shaved off to reduce size or have the entire hulk of it split to ease the eyes. That was pretty much the major physical issue I had with the story, otherwise it was nice. There's a few little things that could use some attention\editing. I really had no idea the main character was a female, or a werewolf, until it was stated. I appreciate that you are showing it instead of telling, but well, quite frankly, it would work better if you told. And the MC's name is a bit much, but as long as she keeps going by Trea I don't really have a problem with it. Also, I didn't get a mental image of any of the characters although I got a good image of what you were trying to describe on everything else, so good job. The characters however just felt like wisps of smoke in my mind. The writing is fluid and flows nicely- you're a good writer and this is a document with a lot of potential and it already has a fair amount, there's just a few things that need tweaking\editing to make it all the better. Hope this helped.

Alright, so this a prologue so I can't really say much about the story just yet. First thing is, the imagery is very nice and your writing is very fluid, which is a huge booster for me- I can't read stories without sufficient imagery. Now, it's fantasy, and I've always just had a buff with it I can't get over and I don't know what it is, but this one doesn't feel as heavy with the magical fairies and stuff. The plot actually seems pretty new, you seem to see the same thing with fantasy stories a lot that you haven't done. I applaud fantasy writers for their world building, but when they take 200 pages explaining the world, well, I don't, but thankfully you didn't do this. There were a few errors, mostly capitalization. I noticed a few times where the beginning of a sentence weren't capitalized or "I" wasn't. Otherwise, good work, and I'll read more soon!

Ah, thanks. Well, I can't really say that there won't be a lot of violence, but it kind of tones down after chapter 6 for a while. I hear this a lot about all the people being thrown in, but with the pacing of the story I really can't introduce them in any other way- they all had to be in that box at the same time, you know? Glad to know it got your interest and looking forward to more feedback from you. I will warn you in advance, chapters 4, 5, 6 are all chapters that contain violence. -A. Nonymous (Will return the favor when I get time.)

Ah, I see what you mean. Like I said, I've just seen it done piss poorly on Wattpad so I was a little apprehensive about it, but I think you'll be able to smooth out the creases because well, we're dealing with a demon here. It still feels original, I didn't mean to come across as everything was massively cliche. And alright, I'll accept the hair color bit. I had a feeling it was important to the story. And alright, looking forward to the feedback. (:

Yikes, that was a long first chapter, and I'll admit it felt a little daunting to read. Of course, I'm also guilty of long first chapters so just ignore that. I'm sorry it took a while to return the feedback, life got a little busy. The premise is original enough, even though I'm not entirely sure just what's going on. I'm thinking Korrin is a devil or demon, but I can't decide which. Otherwise I like her character, but the only thing that bugs me is her hair color- I mean, that's going to evoke stares. She could have just told her new foster mother that it was hair dye... There's a few typos, but as Niek Morenta pointed out it simply seems like you got to typing too fast and just left out a word. I understand what's going on in the story, but there's the only little abusive foster parent cliche that bugs me. After being a wattpader for a few years, I've seen all the cliches and I just can't get past them- however, the story's original and I have faith in your writing skill to make it work. Just watch it, that's all. Looking forward to reading the future chapters.

Thank you! I'm not sure how you can be amazed by the story after the first chapter as it's the one that bugs me the most personally, but thank you for saying it's a great story. I do believe you can comment again when you finish all five chapters currently posted- I'll be looking forward to what you have to say. (:

Well... Wow. The Reapers certainly sound promising as a source of action\death in the story. It's cruel what they did to those people, but honestly, the summary got me giddy. Just saying, the promise of death means the promise of action in a story, and I like a book with good action. You're actually a really good writer. I could understand why what little you have has taken years- it's perfected down to the smallest detail. I actually didn't find any proofreading errors, which I must applaud you, because no matter how many times I proofread there's always an error I don't catch. I like the plot, it seems pretty original. Lynn's premise is promising. Her emotions are very clearly drawn in the story, which I like. One thing that threw me off was when the guy who's name starts with a C (God, I already forgot. So sorry.) Explains the Reapers, he repeats it in perfect word for word as he did the first time, and Lynn replies the exact same. It made me think I'd somehow scrolled back to the previous place in the story, so I would suggest some revision here. Also, one last thing- the dialogue could use a little tweaking. Sometimes when there would be a "blablabla." She said, it would flow better as "blablabla," she said, just so it doesn't come across as choppy. I'll happily read more when you get more out there- just hope I can do chapter by chapter then. -A.Nonymous

A lot of things about this first chapter don't make sense. "Give me another chance ghosts!" "I've been a good person please!" There's no need to end the quotation marks after ghosts and begin them again at I've, it is still the character (Shakespeare talking.) Every time someone speaks there's a new paragraph, but it seems like the issue is only in the first paragraph here. I was confused honestly, the first paragraph was incredibly difficult to comprehend mostly due to the scenery. When he's waking up I feel like his surroundings could have been described better, i.e "He awoke to find it had been yet another nightmare. Something however was off about the room her found himself in. There was no sunlight permeating through the windows, nor were there any statues he had decorating his room. He quickly realized this was not the place he went to sleep in." Or something like that. The dialogue was something else that was just iffy to me. You do a good job of introduced the characters as well as a new paragraph for every time they speak, but every line doesn't need a "character a said". If there is only two or three characters included in the convo it isn't exactly necessary to make clear by name who's speaking each time. Seeing their names over and over can be a little painful, so I would suggest just using "he" or "she" when in a two way dialogue, because we know who's speaking, and in 3 person it is a little more difficult to do but using their names every time can get iffy. Then, as I continued to read on, I just thought.... What. Yoda, harry Potter? I'm not sure what to think right now. I will give you twenty points for creativity, as this story really does have a lot of that. I'm not sure what the plot is, but I'm starting to think it's several fictional characters from different book universes unite to save Shakespere? That's ought to become chaotic, but should be a pretty fun read. Just clean up the sentence fragments and shaky dialogue which could easily be tweaked with proofreading. That's my only buff with this. -A. Nonymous

It's a habit. I keep forgetting that I DIDN'T put a period there, so it becomes sort of an accident. I don't think I do this continuously throughout the story but I will check. No matter how many times I read over there seems to always be a typo I don't catch. I'm glad you like the idea and hope you continue to read- I'll continue to check for the errors you pointed out.