Sparkatale

"the fear in my own eyes from dread that it was broken." I would suggest rewording this line, as dread isn't needed because we know he's fearing something already, but remove the word it would become grammatically incorrect. So I'd reword it.

While I'm on the subject of grammar, it's what I noticed first about your story. I don't really like to pick apart people's grammar, because, well, you want to improve your story first, but better writing will always make a better story. You have a wonderful sense of imagery, and it's done so with a good word choice, but the sentences are often ended abruptly or end where it creates a sentence fragment. There is, also, the dreaded grammar error, and it pops up rather frequently. This, alongside the often choppy sentences, interrupts what could be a smooth and wonderful flow to the story. Not to worry, for I still found myself absorbed in your story, just not as much as it could be. I do highly appreciate your imagery efforts- and believe me, it did not fall short.

"I looked at the broken skin above my nostrils from where the bone had ripped." We humans have cartilage in our noses, no bone.

You have a talent for showing, not telling. You never once told us your main character was poor, but we can tell from how you describe the bad and stale food, messy, crammed and dirty house, and the disarray of the family. Writing is a place you always want to make sure you show the reader, and not tell them, and you have this down.

"If I believed in demons he would be the first I’d suspect of being Satan’s spawn." Given the context, this was a very good line. I also chuckled a little.

The ending to this chapter was brilliant, and your skills with imagery shone through once again. I'm really loving your talent with that. Although, the final paragraph was a massive one, and I think it could be split up a little, just for a little relief on the eyes.

Overall, a good start. A lot happened, and a lot happened fast, but that's not really a bad thing. You threw your main character into an event to gain sympathy from the reader as well as propel your story into the finale of the chapter, which was a fantastic was to end. Really, the only thing you could improve upon is what I've already covered. I'll be reading more soon.

I like it! Your use of descriptive language gives it life. Although, I did notice a few things: First off, there were a couple grammatical/spelling errors (Wrong form of your, homophones, etc.), next, I noticed that a few words seemed to be missing, almost as if it skipped past a word. That's all I really saw and I'll be sure to read the next chapters when I can.

- your English is a little iffy at times and sometimes you're missing punctuations.

-you frequently switch from present (i think) tense to past tense.  I recommend writing with one form of tense.

-I recommend separating the wall of text at the end into several smaller paragraphs, that way it'll be easier to read.

but overall you have a good set up.  I think its cool how the main character has chronic comas that only his grandpa can snap him out of.

Your grammar is a little bit confusing, and sometimes you jumble up your tenses, particularly mixing the present and past tense in one sentence. It's apparent throughout this chapter but other than it I like the premise of the story.