Sparkatale

For a first chapter it did everything I would want a first chapter to do. It drew me in, and it made me want more. It had a sense of something more as well. It seemed like it was inclining, but I never felt the drop.

There were a few grammatical mistakes, but I am sure once you read it over you will catch them. It was a just a verb tense here and there. I am sure once you read it out loud you will catch them.

The plot was a bit confusing, but it is only the first chapter. I am sure it will straighten itself out later. I love the whole prophecy thing. I loved it in Harry Potter and Percy Jackson, so I am sure I will love it here.

I look forward to reviewing more of your novel.

Thank you so much for your advice. I am perfectly fine with you reading a chapter a day. I am happy that an author like you is reading my book. Your book is absolutely enthralling. I love it! Still reading it at the moment. So i will comment when I'm done. Thanks again!

Thanks so much! It really means a lot that you and other people are enjoying it.

No problem. I highly enjoy it. I hope you have as much enjoyment in mine as I am in yours. :)

Overall this was a pretty good prologue. It captured my attention, and even though it was brief it did a good job of introducing the characters. They all seem unique and well thought out, and the dialogue between them felt very natural. I really like the atmosphere you’ve created, it was very mysterious and left me eager to learn more. There’s not much I can say on the plot at this point, but so far it seems like it’ll be interesting. I also like the descriptive language you used. However, sometimes I felt like they were a little list like, but that’ll just take a bit of proofreading to fix.

In terms of grammar, a number of sentences I found strangely worded or seemed to be missing something. As the other reviewer said, try reading your sentences out loud to see how they sound, it’ll make them much easier to spot that way. If you like I can go into more detail on the grammar errors, because I spotted quite a few.

Thank you, I take my pride into creating my characters with their own personalities. Also I tend to take description to the max, which I am currently working on. I'm not that great at grammar, so it would mean a lot to me, if you could help me out. Thanks again. I love your book so far. I'm going to complete it before righting my comment. P.S. I love your name and I am using it on a different story XD.

I was just wondering if this is a sort of spin-off or fan fiction type thing for Alice in Wonderland? It reminds of it. I have seen things like this in book stores, and I don't been that atrocious Twilight fan fiction called Fifty Shades of Grey. I saw this book where it was about Tiger Lily, the Native American from Peter Pan, and I heard it was good. I just wanted to let you know that if it is that sort of thing, it probably has a good chance of being published because spin-offs are becoming very popular.  I also wanted to say that the way you describe the emotions in your story are very well thought out and done very well. I could really feel the hatred, anger, and fear in this chapter. I think your descriptions of everything else are good too, but the emotional aspect stood out.

You are correct! My story is a spin-off of Alice in Wonderland. It's my favorite story in the world XD. I love to twist and change things and this was the perfect story to start off with. Thank you so much!

I wonder what happened to the queen to make her go… well, crazy XD I have a feeling Maryann won’t be in the cell for long :P Your descriptions are very good, as I said before. You’ve really created the atmosphere well, and I can definitely picture the scene well. This might just be a personal preference of mine, but sometimes I feel there’s almost too much description and not enough action. It slows the pacing down quite a bit. But like I said that’s probably a personal preference of mine, as I like faster-paced stories. Anyway, so far I like it. It reminds me of Wicked, except it’s about Alice in Wonderland instead of the Wizard of Oz. The last part of the chapter was a little confusing. I wasn’t sure how much of it was her dream, maybe you should put that part in italics so idiots like me don’t get confused :P

Errors:

“In other cells the elderly would crouch down and pray to the being they sought were higher than themselves, only to be hurt when none of their prayers came true.” Thought instead of sought.

"Yeah, but at least i'm not my mother's little pet who does everything he was told to. Only because he gets rewarded with cakes and pies.” The I should be capatalized, and the sentence is awkwardly worded. It should be something like “Yeah, but at least I’m not my mother’s little pet who does everything he was told to do just because he gets rewarded with cake and pies.”

There were a few times in this chapter where you said “was” instead of “were”. For example, this sentence: “They either died from starvation or was dragged to the guillotine for they couldn't work the way they ought to be”.  It should be “starvation or were dragged”.

Also there were some places where you read missed words like the, were, etc. Overall I think you should just read it out loud, it’ll be easier to find missing/extra words this way :) You could also show someone the chapter to proofread it, then they might find errors you’ve missed.

Lol, I've been known to over describe things, being too descriptive and I'm trying my hardest not to do so. It's very hard for me. Anyways, I'm going to do some editing when I get to the tenth chapter so I can revise. XD Thanks again for finding the errors, I'm not an editor so it is great that someone can help me out.

I think your descriptions are the best part of your story. When you write you paint a clear pictures in my head. Often times when I am reading I can get a sort of fuzzy pictures, but with your story I can imagine it exactly. I will admit part of it is because I have seen the new and the original Alice in Wonderlands, but still you do a really nice job. I also used to scoff at spin-offs because I didn't think they would ever measure up, but you are doing a good job so far. Keep it up, and I think I will see this in Barnes and Noble one day.

Thank you! I work really hard into making this story enjoyable for those who like a good book. You flatter me! XD I'm not even done with this book yet and you think its going to be in Barnes and Noble, thanks for the huge compliment. :3

There was a lot more action in this chapter, a big improvement on the last two. There was still a lot of description, but it wasn’t unbalanced like the previous ones so I really enjoyed it. It’s my favourite of the chapters so far :)

I’m getting more of a feel of Maryann’s character, so far she seems smart and resourceful, two of my favourite traits for heroines ;) And she’s kind too. The action scenes were really well-written, I was on the edge of my seat reading them. I’m really curious how their world ended up this way. I hope we meet the Queen soon, I want to see her and Maryann interact. Anyway, I look forward to learning more about this mysterious prophecy… XD

Grammar/writing Stuff:

“Klink! The sound of rusted metal hitting the ground bounced off the walls and into Maryann's ears.” This might just be a personal pet peeve of mine, but I feel it’s unnecessary to say “klink” at the beginning. For me, it just sounds a little cheesy and it would make perfect sense if it’s left out.

“It fumbled at first, but she soon got a firm enough hold that she can slip it through it's designated hole.” “It’s” is short for “it is”. So when you write it’s, think, does it make sense? “through it is designated hole” does not, therefore the apostrophe should not be there, thus it should be: “through its designated hole”.

Also, Rudy was spelled inconsistently throughout the chapter. Occasionally it was Rudi, other times Rudy.

Sometimes, your dialogue is structured incorrectly. It should be ‘“Hello,” she said.’ Sometimes you structured it ‘”Hello.” She said.’ However I think this is more of a proofreading error, as most of the time it was structured correctly.

Overall, I think your grammar has improved a lot over these first three chapters. Good job :)  

Well, the Queen is definitely crazy. I certainly don’t blame Maryann for rebelling against her. Your descriptions are great again, I’m a huge fan of gore, so I really liked the descriptions of the decapitated heads and stuff. Yeah, I’m a bit creepy ;) I’m still wondering if something drove the Queen crazy or if she was always crazy XD I’m rooting for Maryann to defeat her! :)

Grammar/writing stuff:

“Meanwhile, with in the palace's wall” within is one word.

There was a few parts where you shifted into first person. If this is supposed to be the Queen’s thoughts, it’s better to put it into italics to differentiate it from the narrative.

“Or will he be in the mote?" Do you mean mote as in the water surrounding a castle? Because that is spelled moat, mote means something quite different :P

In some of the queen’s dialogue I felt you were overusing exclamation marks (!). If you say “shouted” as the dialogue tag we already know she’s speaking angrily and loudly, therefore I don’t feel it’s necessary. Exclamation marks should be used sparingly, you know? ;)

Sorry for taking a while to do these reviews, btw. I work on the weekends so I’m almost always too busy to read and comment on things for those two days O.o I hope to catch up to where you’re up to tomorrow! :)

lol its fine :3 Thanks though. I'm not telling you how she got crazy. You actually won't know until the last book of the series XD

Alice is just plain crazy. She is murderous, paranoid, and psychotic. Then again in the Disney version, she could have been all of that had she stayed. I really like how ruthless she is. That makes her weak, and every character needs a weakness. I think it is important to remember that mercy can be a sign of strength. There were a few spelling mistakes, but I am sure once you read through it you will catch it. I just thought, I would let you know I am leaving this site within the span of a few days. It was fun reading your story, and good luck in the business. This is probably going to the be the last chapter I can review, so goodbye for now.

Aw bye. It's been great having you review my book. Thanks again!

I like the confidence Maryann has, when she spoke to the villagers. She has the makings of a great leader. I found it strange when the guard called the Queen “your viciousness” I would’ve thought she’d have punished him for calling him that. But she is crazy, so… XD At the moment I predict that Maryann and her group will try and find Queen Scarlet and get her to help them overthrow the queen.

Grammar/writing stuff:

Again, there was few times in this chapter where you slipped into first person. If these are supposed to be thoughts it’s better to put them in italics or something else to distinguish them from the narrative.

Also, you should create a new paragraph when you shift point of views. There was one point where it switched from Maryann’s group deciding on a name straight to the knights telling the queen what had happened with her daughter. Also the part that was her dream, it would be better to start a new paragraph because it can get very confusing.

“His name was Lewis, and he is the new Captain of the Guard” You need to be careful with your tenses. The “is” in the second half of the sentence should be “was” as well. Throughout the story you keep switching between past and present tense, it’s best to stick to one (at least, in the narrative. You can be more varied in thoughts and dialogue).

Thanks. Yeah, I know, I need to figure it out, and I'm not the best editor. I'm going to edit back after I do 10 chapters.

I had to admit, I didn’t expect that. I thought Scarlet would be hiding somewhere in wonderland, not in the modern world :P It’s a good idea though, Alice can’t find her there ;) Maybe Maryann will travel to our world to find her, that would be interesting. That’s my theory, anyway.

Grammar/Writing Stuff:

“She responded with a very light chuckle of humor” There’s nothing wrong with this, exactly, but adding “of humor” at the end seems a bit redundant, as chuckles are usually done out of laughter :P If it was an evil chuckle, yeah I might write more to indicate it, but when it’s like this it seems unnecessary. Sorry, I’m really picky :P

Your grammar has really improved since the first chapter, there are still a few instances where you switch between tenses and a couple of weirdly worded sentences, but otherwise it’s improved a lot :)

Realistically I highly doubt their battle could have no casualties. I mean, they’re rebels versing trained soldiers, surely at least some would die. Considering the people they’re versing must have some sort of training if they’re the Queen’s soldiers, they should be a lot harder to kill. I can understand Maryann killing them, as she seems to have had some sort of training, but the other villagers, escaped prisoners, etc. etc. would struggle. So the outcome seems a little far-fetched to me. How big was this battle, exactly? It’s early in the story still, but at a the moment I feel their rebellion is going a little too well. I mean, Maryann’s already a competent leader, they seem to be ninjas in combat (sorry, I have weird expressions for things :P) that’s quite a lot in a short time. I’d like to see a little more struggle and build up, as I think the realism this would bring adds to a story and makes the events believable. Right now I just find it too farfetched.

Maryann’s nightmare was very enlightening. It’s strange how the Queen suddenly turned like that, the poor girl must’ve been terrified.

I like Jude, I look forward to seeing what role he plays in the future ;) As a biology nerd, I must point something out. For a blind guy he doesn’t act very… blind XD He doesn’t seem to have trouble finding things, like how he seemed to know where Maryann was even though he didn’t have anyone leading him or a cane or something to show him the way. And you describe him as looking at her through his foggy eyes, if you’re blind you wouldn’t be able to tell exactly where someone is (well, you could hear them, but that doesn’t show them exactly where their eyes/face are, so why they may look in someone’s general direction often their eyes would be unfocussed). Speaking of, I wonder how he got blinded. Was he born blind or did something make him that way?

Sorry I’m complaining a lot, by the way. I’m very tired today XD

Grammar/Writing Stuff:

 ‘ "Well it's not fun to be a target of anything, but I was lucky that Maryann had my back. You looked pretty good out there yourself,"he commented with a lopsided smile. "A natural with a sword I must say," he chuckled.’ It sounds a bit weird when there’s two dialogue tags in the same sentence. The “he chuckled” on the end is unnecessary.    

Also, sometimes you mix up words, like moat/mote in the other chapter. In this one I noticed you spelt it “chain male” instead of “chainmail”. It can be tricky, as they sound the same, but the meaning is very different so it’s important to get it right :P

Lol yeah, I understand so at the moment I'm actually redoing this chapter XD. Besides that thanks. The next two or more chapters will be up soon. :3

Comment for the second version of chapter seven:

This was much better :) Firstly, I loved your descriptions of the battle. I have a strange liking for gore, so I enjoyed reading it. I liked how they weren’t as successful as before, it adds some realism to the story. It was good that Maryann was upset, as it really shows how human she is even though she projects the image of a leader. Jude was also a much more convincing blind guy :P

Grammar/Writing stuff:

In the opening paragraph you used Luke’s name too many times. It would flow better if you used “he” after the first time. Also, in some of the descriptions you use the same word for something too many times in a single paragraph. For example, the word sword – I’d vary this by occasionally referring to it as a blade, weapon, etc.

Sorry I've taken so long to drop in and give you a review- I got busy and I will admit it slipped my mind. I do recognize this chapter, and now that I think about it I've read it before, I just haven't left a review. I broke the oath in my profile. :/

Anyways, I try not to make too many assumptions from a prologue. They can either be really good or really bad no matter the quality of the actual story. I can say, however, this was a nicely done prologue. It had the elements you'd expect to find- a little introduction to the world, a few characters, and other minor details sprinkled in.

I don't have anything to really say about the writing either. The flow and tone is nice and smooth. I do, however, want to recommend checking where you put your commas. I found several instances where they weren't really necessary and interrupted the sentence flow. What I do when there's a sentence I'm trying to decide needs a comma or not I'll read it aloud to see if it sounds funny. In most cases here, though, they were just necessary.

You're fine. I'm a bit behind on mine as well, I have got school kicking in. Thanks a lot though for reading my story thus far. 

The first part of this chapter did an excellent job setting the tone of the world. The reader really gets a sense of the brutal and harsh environment the characters live in. I do believe this is a retelling of Alice in Wonderland although I'm not sure, correct me if I'm wrong. If it is, however, it's a very, very unique twist on it. The story, although it had it's fair share of dark undertones, wasn't as up-in-your face about it as this one is. That's not a bad thing. I like dark stories. (Not that I'm a sadist or anything, but you get the point.)

I like Maryann so far. This chapter did make it a little bit to get a sense of who she was, but it's only the first chapter- you always get to know the characters better as the story goes along. The ending with the rabbit did feel like deja vu with Alice in Wonderland, which is why I believe it's a retelling. I think you said that somewhere anyways, forget my stupid memory.

Overall I'd say this story has a promising start. It has a well balanced dose of characters, plot, writing ability and a new twist on a classic tale- what's not to enjoy?

First of all, yes it is a retelling of Alice in Wonderland but in my own weird and unique twist. It will have it's fair share of dark and kind of gorey scenes, though, that's what I like about stories. Not to mention there will be love, humor, and most importantly action. So I'm thankful that you like it. Thanks again :)

I like Rudi. I’m not big a fan of talking animal characters, but as this is a story based off Alice in Wonderland I’ll make an exception ;) Plus, she’s resourceful and smart, which helps. Her battle with the snake was very well written, I was on the edge of my seat reading it :) I’m so afraid for her, I hope she’s okay. Hopefully her kidnapper doesn’t hurt her… :(

Grammar/writing stuff:

“Now at the entrance of the camp. she turned to look at it.” There should be a comma instead of a full stop after camp.

“The stream was moving pretty fast, for she spotted leaves that went down the stream pretty fast.” This is a bit repetitive. Personally I’d find another way to say the leaves were moving fast in the second part of the sentence.

Overall, your grammar improved greatly with this chapter, so well done :) I was very impressed.

I remember wondering what happened to Maryann’s father, so I’m glad his fate was shown in this chapter. Poor guy XD Celia seems like an interesting addition to the characters, I wonder what sort of trouble she will stir for Maryann… XD I'm sure they will cross paths at some point.

Grammar/writing stuff:

“Her fingers wrapping around the dome and picking him up as she did so.” The “and” is unnecessary, plus the tenses are a bit weird. It should be something like “Her fingers wrapped around the dome, picking him up as she did so.”

“How dare she thought that a mere pile of rocks can hold back my might army” Think instead of thought, as the sentence is in past tense.

Sorry for taking a while to get to this. I’ve been rather swamped with midsems these past few weeks O.o

I found it a little strange that Rudi didn’t resist much when the girls were playing with her and switching her between the dishes. You’d think she’d be trying to escape, or something. Unless she was restrained somehow and I missed it? Anyway, other than that, good chapter. Swift and Fang seem like interesting characters, I wonder what part they will play in the story from now on.

Grammar/Writing stuff:

“With that in mind, the sun peeked out from behind a passing cloud, into Rudi’s eyes” the second comma is unnecessary. It can be hard sometimes to know where the right place to put a comma in. Read it out loud and think, does it sound okay with a breath here?

“He soon plopped it on her little head and the feather draped down and into her face.” It should be “onto” instead of “and into”

“Up close, he looked rather handsome. Except for his fuzzy black ears and piercing green cat eyes”. A sentence like this could easily be combined into one. It flows better that way and wouldn’t seem as choppy if you replaced the full stop with a comma (after handsome).

Also, sometimes you haven’t capitalised their names.