Sparkatale

I find your take on the definition of magic refreshing. It's something I've never seen before. I think that's what makes your story such an interesting read . I really enjoy your writing style because it feels honest. When I usually read books like this, I usually feel that the narrator feels ingenuine. I think you are on to something with this story. Good luck!

Filled with interesting yet relatable characters and a plot that seems to be unique I think we have a winner with this story. I will certainly read more when you update.

Your characters are very intriguing especially Quinn. I think the plot is great, and the idea seems very original (something that is difficult to see in today's literature). I will look forward to reading more.

The character of May and the plot are both captivating. It mixes two of my favorite things underappreciated characters and the mystical. It has a great sense of adventure. Overall it was an interesting read, and I look forward to reading the rest.

I plan on reading the rest of your story, but I wanted to get out a quick little review based off of what little I have read. I am enjoying the story so far. It is seems to divert from what we typically think of as magic, which is refreshing. I was just wondering if you had a specific age group in mind. Since I have not read much of it, I can't be sure, but I think this can be a middle grade book as well as young adult. Let me know if I am wrong. There were a few grammatical errors that I saw, but they mostly consisted with commas, so it's not noticeable. I'm also positive that if you were to publish this story, an editor will catch them. Great story and keep writing! 

Ugh, the last chapter I will probably review for you did not answer my questions about Carey and 256! I so wanted to see them together, but I guess I will just have to wait when I decide to rejoin, if I ever do. I might just to see how it ended up for her. I also like the fact that Janelle is opening herself (just a teeny tiny bit) to a romantic interest. Personally I think she could use it in her life. God, I hope her daughter is alright. She needs family more than anyone I've ever met. I still want to see Carey and 256 end up together. Hopefully, I'll be able to one day. I am really grateful that you took the time to review my story. I wish you the best of luck in your writing career.

I'll be honest, I meant to read only a chapter, yet I found myself reading up till you stopped. It was very entertaining. I loved the characterization more than anything else. Eirlee is brilliantly written as well as the rest of your characters.

Alice is just plain crazy. She is murderous, paranoid, and psychotic. Then again in the Disney version, she could have been all of that had she stayed. I really like how ruthless she is. That makes her weak, and every character needs a weakness. I think it is important to remember that mercy can be a sign of strength. There were a few spelling mistakes, but I am sure once you read through it you will catch it. I just thought, I would let you know I am leaving this site within the span of a few days. It was fun reading your story, and good luck in the business. This is probably going to the be the last chapter I can review, so goodbye for now.

I enjoyed reading this story a lot. I am just sad that I am leaving this website in a few days, and will not be able to continue it. The part with Dylan was so intriguing. I don't have a proper feel for his character yet, but I can tell that he will be a great hero one day. Your descriptions were so wonderfully enticing that I did not have a single doubt as to what the scenery looked like.

I am sad to say that this is probably the last chapter I will review before I leave this site. I just wanted to say how much fun it was reading your story, and how disappointed I am not see how things romantically play out for May. I wanted to know so badly!

This chapter was filled with wild great descriptions and emotion. I love how Aedain saved the little children. I could tell how this chapter would play out by the title. Of course, I assumed someone major would die, but that did not happen. I was wondering if it ever would because I guess it depends how you do it, but when I read things without at least one death of a major character I think the author is too afraid. Prime example of this is Twilight. If the character matters then the death has meaning, and is justifiable in writing.

I really want to see this story in print one day, and I wish you the best of luck!

I really enjoyed this chapter. Unfortunately, it looks like it will be the last one I read of this story before I quite this website and take down my story. I wanted to thank you for reading my story, and leaving reviews! On to the last review (it feels awful saying that).

Often times when I read things I get a blurry picture, but with your story it is like a movie scene. I also enjoyed the pirates. They seemed so nonchalant. I love characters like that because most characters are extremely passionate, and it can at times be off putting. They also add great comedic relief. I also liked the pirates because well...they are pirates. I'm not going to lie; I pictured Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow for a little bit.

The characterization was done really well in this chapter. There were no mood swings between characters making sure they stay in character. There are so many authors who have books filled with bipolar characters because of this.

One day I hope to read the full story, but for now I guess it is goodbye.

I am glad you thought she was strong because I feel like most people have only one definition of strength.

Thanks for reviewing! I am going to try read your last chapter before I log off for good.

I'll take care of those mistakes as soon as possible. Yeah...James is not exactly what I would call personable.

Thanks for catching those mistakes, and I'm glad you enjoyed it!

How the government works. That is what I want to know the most about. It's not like it's hard to figure out, but I just want to know more.

I think your descriptions are the best part of your story. When you write you paint a clear pictures in my head. Often times when I am reading I can get a sort of fuzzy pictures, but with your story I can imagine it exactly. I will admit part of it is because I have seen the new and the original Alice in Wonderlands, but still you do a really nice job. I also used to scoff at spin-offs because I didn't think they would ever measure up, but you are doing a good job so far. Keep it up, and I think I will see this in Barnes and Noble one day.

This was by far the best chapter I have read from you! I was so happy to finally be able to put even more pieces of the puzzle together. Lavena is completely awesome. She reminds if this character Magnus Bane (I won't get into great detail, because they just share one trait in common). I really like how the plot of this story is unlike anything I have read before, yet it seems familiar. I think that is how great stories should be because I strongly believe that each story we read is the same only with different characters (Hero's Journey, archetypes, tropes, etc. cause me to believe this). I also love how Lavena is one those characters who knows exactly what is going on, but can't say. Kind of like Dumbledore. And when these characters don't speak up it just causes a mess for everyone involved. That is always fun watching it play out.

I really liked the fact that you explained this new world just enough, so we won't be confused.

I feel like there is even more excitement coming along. This chapter was very descriptive, and it let me imagine the scenes as if I had seen them in a movie. However, I was a bit confused at times. I know this is because we start off in the world of Draida. If you started off in our world where we are familiar with everything and then the character goes off into a new world there will be confusion but as the story moves along everything is explained. I think I might have said this before, but you might want to explain the inner workings of this world more. Perhaps in the earlier chapters that way we can get a feel for the world a little bit better. I know there should always be more showing than telling, but in this case I think telling should be allowed.

I'll just go ahead and tell you your predictions are sort of close. I mean the part with Marcus sending the fachen was right, but not everyone is getting saved.

It's called Egiagor. It spells something once you unscramble it. I will later introduce the fact that they have their own language, and this means home in it, which is also a clue as to what it unscrambles to.

I was just wondering if this is a sort of spin-off or fan fiction type thing for Alice in Wonderland? It reminds of it. I have seen things like this in book stores, and I don't been that atrocious Twilight fan fiction called Fifty Shades of Grey. I saw this book where it was about Tiger Lily, the Native American from Peter Pan, and I heard it was good. I just wanted to let you know that if it is that sort of thing, it probably has a good chance of being published because spin-offs are becoming very popular.  I also wanted to say that the way you describe the emotions in your story are very well thought out and done very well. I could really feel the hatred, anger, and fear in this chapter. I think your descriptions of everything else are good too, but the emotional aspect stood out.

I really wanted to say thank you for explaining what is going on with the rest of the world. That was one thing that really bothered me about The Hunger Games. Like did every other country have their own hunger games? Did they all die? If they are alive, why did they let stuff like this go on? I am just super happy you remembered this detail.

I also really liked that Janelle showed weakness. It makes her seem more human and less robot. I was a little disappointed to not have any Samantha and Carey in this chapter. I really like their characters.

I like the fact that you use creatures that are not as common like werewolves and vampires. It makes the story unique.

There was one grammatical error that seemed to really catch my eye for some reason

You don’t own neither Erik nor me

I would suggest writing it like. You don't own either Erik or me. Or You own neither Erik nor me. I was just trying to keep the wording similar, but the problem is that it is awkwardly worded. You also said May pretended to be tired. I think you did a pretty good job of explaining that, so you don't really need to say that. That's what I mean by tell less and show more. Other than that this was a good chapter. I loved Aedain and May tension in this chapter. It was so entertaining to read about the exchange between them. I also like Baltar's attitude. The kind where he thinks he is better than he really is. Those characters always make a great comedic relief as they tend to act like fools.

Thanks so much! It really means a lot that you and other people are enjoying it.

Wait is Rex a good guy or a bad? Why would he snap Jason's wand in half? I like the humor in this chapter. It seemed like the type of thing Americans would find hysterical. This was a light chapter, which I think people underestimate the power of. Everyone always says that books needs to have some dark topic when it comes to YA at almost all times, but I am glad to see you are defying the norm. The norm is getting overused anyway. I mean I can predict most books because they are all the same with different characters. So good job on that.

I think analysis would be fine. J.K. Rowling's books are stacked in children's because she started off that way. She did a nice job of sort of blending the two. I like Cassandra Clare, who is YA, but I don't love her. The Mortal Instruments, this is just my opinion, were not great. They were good, but not classic worthy like a lot of children's authors. The Infernal Devices were just a rewrite of A Tale of Two Cities. I just see a lot of YA author taking a lot of crap.

Thanks for the high praise, but my story is not where I want it to be. I still have to finish writing it, and then editing is going to be a major pain! Considering we just have two weeks of school of because of snow I am not complaining. Earlier they even gave as us a cold day. There was no snow; it was just really cold. This is the way Atlanta works.

For a first chapter it did everything I would want a first chapter to do. It drew me in, and it made me want more. It had a sense of something more as well. It seemed like it was inclining, but I never felt the drop.

There were a few grammatical mistakes, but I am sure once you read it over you will catch them. It was a just a verb tense here and there. I am sure once you read it out loud you will catch them.

The plot was a bit confusing, but it is only the first chapter. I am sure it will straighten itself out later. I love the whole prophecy thing. I loved it in Harry Potter and Percy Jackson, so I am sure I will love it here.

I look forward to reviewing more of your novel.

I really think you did a good job with emotions in this chapter. We could see that she was frightened. I find her a bit reckless more than brave.

I really wanted it to get in a review today before the power goes out, which is expected. Everything here has iced over. Canadians are even having trouble driving here. Mostly because they say our ice is stickier because we are warmer. About 116,000 people in Georiga have lost their power because of trees falling over, and we have a lot of trees in our backyard. If I can't get on tumblr, I think I will explode. So on to the review.

I feel like Aedain is a little bipolar. He seems too be warming up one minute and then the next he goes back to being a jerk. Normally bipolar characters bother because that makes me think the author does not know how to characterize, but I have read your previous chapters, so I am well aware you know how to. I think Aedain is just supposed to be like that. If you only one character like that it really adds to the story because that makes him complicated instead of sloppy. I really enjoyed this chapter plot wise. I am excited to meet this witch person and now more about her.  

While I still have power, which is expected to go out (116,000 people in Georgia have already lost power), I should get to reviewing. Even though there is only an inch of snow right now they expect three inches later on. Most of the things have already iced over. We have a lot of trees in our backyard, so if the trees fall they will take out our power and crush our house which has almost an entire side made of glass...

I love it when we get to learn more about the back stories of characters. I think Amisto has an interesting past. And I always love the whole chosen one thing. I guess that is why I prefer things with prophecies and such. I really love the whole switching POVs thing because that gives us a chance to see the lives and inner workings of another characters mind instead of just one. I really love character driven things, so when I get to see more character related things I really enjoy the read. 

The reason I want it to be a children's piece is because by crazy chance this gets published, I don't want my name to be associated with the YA authors because they don't have a lot of respect. They focus too much on romance, and every time I read a YA book I really only care about how their love lives end up. When you look at children's writers you have names like J.K. Rowling, C.S. Lewis, and Ronald Dhal. When I read their work I care about the things the authors want me to care about.

I really like the way you portray most of the Gifted because you show them as not exactly evil but not exactly good. I guess the word I would use is misunderstood. They seem like children. They don't really have a proper understanding of the world as well as emotions. Children feel all these things, but they don't know how to react, which is kind of how I see the gifted.

Carey seems to be more of a rebel in this chapter. She seems to be getting along better with Samantha and the others. Before she was the outsider and now that she is more with the rebels the story really seems to pick up.

So Aedain turns into a dragon, that is pretty awesome. This chapter also had a little bit of humor, which is useful in your story because as I said before that your story is very plot oriented and there is something new every chapter. I know you said you didn't want it to be too long, but I am sure people wouldn't mind if it is a great story.

It does not surprise me that Aedain has many enemies. I mean he is about as nice as hugging a cactus. I like the little exchange between Baltar and May because that makes Baltar seem more humanlike. Aedain still seems like an alien to me. I like him, but he is not as relatable as Baltar.

You used pretty twice in the beginning. It just doesn't sound as nice, but I suppose that is how most teenagers think.

This chapter reminded me a bit of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. With the little dwarves that thought they were super cool and then they turned out to be just midget creatures. The kangaroos were like that. They were cooler as dinosaurs, but then I guess for comic relief you had to make them be kangaroos.

I am really looking forward to see Jason and Micheal's friendship unveil. They seem like they would be awesome sorcerer buddies together. It was a little confusing in the middle with how they looked because you did a little more telling than showing.

When I change things James is going to have to find a different way to get to the library because he won't be able to drive seeing as his age will change. The only reason I knew ravens could mimic humans was because of Edgar Allen Poe. Thanks for the review.

I think I'll have to change 90% of story seeing as I am changing genres. Some of the jokes I had planned like one involving Oedipus are not going to cut it as well. Their personalities are going to have to change. I mean the basic plot of the story will stay the same and most of the events will stay the same, but quite a bit will have to change.

Poor Jason being captured! I read one of the comments that says Jason drops dead all of a sudden, so I am trying not get too emotionally attached to him. At first I thought there would be a Bianca/Jason romance, but now I don't think so. I am also curious if it would have worked out because Jason did not seem very interested. Do you plan on adding romance in this? I was just curious because I'll be honest most YA books out in stores has taught me that the only good part of the story is the romance. I am glad that I actually care about the plot in your story for a change, but when you go to Barnes and Noble all you see is them advertising the love triangles and romance aspect of the story. It is sickening. So good job in making me care about other things.

There is a huge snow storm that is supposed to go through Atlanta, and we were all warned that it might take out power, so I don't know when I might get internet again.

I really like how you go straight into the plot. I am curious as to what exactly are their race. Are they warlocks? This chapter sort of gave me a Mortal Instruments vibe. If you haven't read the books I do recommend the prequel series to it.

Thanks, I am trying to get it up soon. I realized my problem is that I feel like starting over too many times, so I am just going to plunder through this and then get to the editing stage where I can change the story from YA to children's like it was intended to.

So we got to know a little more about the mirror in this chapter, which was nice. I want to know more about these two worlds. Are they like parelel worlds, or are they more hidden worlds within our own. Your description in the beginning was really nice, not that it wasn't nice all around, it was just nicer in the beginning.

Plot wise the story always seems to always introduce new elements to me. It's nice, but sometimes I think you might want to add a little fluff. I struggle with this too. I don't add enough fluff, so it just seems like the plot of overloaded at times. Perhaps you could add little bits of conversation with May and Aedian. A lot of authors will add stuff that has nothing to do with the plot just to deviate, so the reader doesn't feel overwhelmed.

Other than that this was a good chapter. I am going to try to get in a few more chapters today because we are getting yet another snow storm! Last time it was 1.5 inches, and they shut down ATLANTA for a week! It was just silly to be honest, and this time we are expected to get 3 inches. They have already canceled school for the rest of the week. This gives me time to read more, and we have an expected power outage because of that...

I really like your description of Quinn and how Dakota feels about him because I think it is super realistic. Most teenage girls do talk and think like this. The only thing I would recommend is perhaps showing more than telling.

I am so glad I finally know what he wants! Of course what he wants is to kill humans so...there's that. I really like Baltar. He seems like the quarterback in every high school. Someone who can't resist bragging about themselves, so they end up being easily manipulated.

I also really like how Baltar genuinely does not want May and Erik to die. I think he is forming/formed a sort of friendship with May. I can't wait to see Aedian show more compassion, which is what I think I will see in your next chapter. I mean he isn't going to kill them halfway through.

I was also really interested in their history. I wish I could have seen more of it. I think it is interesting how we portray them to be evil, but at the same time we hurt them. It is a mutual cycle I guess.

I really liked this chapter because I got a lot more of the humor in this one than the others. It was not too heavy to the point where it was distracting. It was a perfect touch.

I also like how your story has this feel of dystopian mixed in with the fantasy. As someone who is not a fan of dystopian I like the elements of it that you have mixed.

I can't tell if Bianca and Jason are really siblings or if this is going to be a romantic relationship. If you have read The Mortal Instruments you will know why I am weary about this...(It had an interesting twist at the end of the first book, which was quite disturbing).

It got taken over in the prologue. Ryker did when they were children, but as they got older he became engrosse with his...law stuff.

Chris is 21 and Quinn is going to be 15 soon. We get a better feel for Chris later on, but we won't for Quinn until the next book.

Thanks! I took Spanish for six years, but that's it. I think all I know now is "Yo quiero Taco Bell". Very useful in life. When I copy and paste things it changes the format for me. YA is young adult, and I have noticed that not many people are respectful of it unless you write dystopian. I also really wanted it to be a children's book, but people talked me out of it. I think the main thing is to power through the first draft and then edit. Every author has said that 90% of their first draft has changed, and I didn't want to be one of those people, but it looks like I will be. Out of curiosity are you American? I was just wondering because the times you comment are strange in my time zone.

I'm glad you like James, but I have just been told that he is too girly...I also am making major changes to the story, but I will tell you what they are later, so you don't have to start over. One of the biggest ones is that this no longer going to YA. I don't want to be associated with that genre.

I really like the descriptions in the prologue. It is short and does not give too much away about the story. In a sense it kind of reminds me a bit of Twilight's prologue (I do not mean that in a bad way). I just meant that it was in the plot style of Twilight. Like we could see the future. As there is not much to the prologue I can't make any assumptions yet, but I will read more so I can say something about the characters and the plot and the setting.

Once again this lovely site has logged me out just as soon as I hit post comment.

So what I basically said before was that:

I find 256 and Carey to be the most intriguing characters because although I don't think they are a perfect fit for each other they somehow end up completing each other, and I can't wait to see them get together. If they don't I can seem them just being friends as well.

Well 805 has been drinking I don't really believe in the whole "drunken words are sober thoughts", but I do find it interesting that he does not hate the nongifted as I previously thought. He really does have his heart in the right place, but the only things about his character that bothers me is that he is a hypocrite. I get that we can't like every character though.

I think this was a very good chapter. I do have a few recommendations for you though. One would be slow down the pacing and explain a little bit of the world. I can tell it is very different from America or most other places in the world. I just don't completely understand it. I mean it is in the beginning chapters, and I have not read more, so I don't know if you explain what it is in different chapters. If you do just ignore this comment.

So the things I liked about it was Michael's character. He seems like a Ron Weasley type guy. He is one those people who are always second best or feel that they are always second best, but fail to see that they can amount to more. I think that character is very relatable especially to the people on this site. Because when you want to be a writer you never feel like anything is good enough. At least I am like that.

Wow, so that's how the war breaks out! This is sort of Helen of Troy like only Helen really did run off with someone else, and that caused a ten year war where as May was kidnapped and someone is framing her. This was a very short chapter, but I feel like it was to the point. There was no excessive content to keep the story going. I feel like there aren't that many stories out there where things are just short and to the point.

I still fail to see Zhawn's motivation. Once we see the motivation of the character I feel like it takes away his awfulness. That is just something I have observed with most characters. Of course there are exceptions like Voldemort. I do want to know what makes Zhawn want to start this war.

I'm so glad you found that interesting because that is what I am trying to go for. There are so many people like that. They all want the heroism with the struggle.

Quinn is not Helen. She is their daughter. We will meet Helen in the future though.

There is magic used of course. He also spent a great deal of time helping his wife and niece escape, but this is a prologue, so I couldn't got too great in detail about the setting because you will get a better feel for it once the main character of the story is able to return.

The fachen is not original actually. It is in Irish mythology. They are known to give heart attacks on sight. I just couldn't take credit for it.

Unfortunately, James is a bit too much like me. He has a tendency to jump to conclusions. In chapter 4 most will be explained about his heritage.

Thanks for reviewing. Everyone always thinks Ryker is the main character. I can't wait to find out what you think the real main character.

The fachen is an Irish monster, and I wasn't sure if it was frightening enough. Also I was wondering what you thought of James as a narrator. He seems like a reliable narrator, but there are times when I want people to see that he is just a kid and not entirely reliable.

I think it is a very interesting plot line and your main character is fascinating. I do have a suggestion. If you are planning on making this a full length novel, you might want to slow down the pacing. Everything was happening very quickly. It was entertaining and well written, but a bit confusing (as first chapters often are) mostly because of the pacing. There were a few grammatical errors, but I'm sure if you read through it again you would catch them. They also weren't that big of a deal that they would make me cringe. Overall it looks like a good first chapter to a good book. I look forward to reading more.

I think I will read a chapter a day, which is what I am doing for a few others because it is just easiest to do it that way.

I am getting very annoyed with this website! It has exited me out three times while writing this review!

I really like 805's character because it reminds of me Ron Weasley. He was a good person, but if you take a closer look at him he was a racist. He balked at Lupin when he found out he was a werewolf, but eventually came around. He also said house elves like the conditions they are in and that they should be there, but in Deathly Hallows he talks about saving them. This shows that even good people can have bad qualities. I feel that 805 is kind of like that. He treats the Gifted with equality, but he does kill that woman.

So Carey is becoming one my favorite characters. Mostly because I see the most character development with her. In the beginning I could not see her saving anyone, but now I can see her as some sort of revolutionary. Before I thought she was a bit selfish, but aren't we all? She is becoming selfless and more like the female characters I want to read about! Good job!

I am glad we got to see more Aedain's sweet side. We rarely get to see that. I mean we glimmers of it, but we got to see more if it here. I am glad that this was not long and drawn out as most people would try to make it. This was an interesting take on May and Aedain (I have pretty much determined in my mind that they are my OTP for this story).

I am sad we didn't have much Erik in it, but the parts that he was there helped move the plot along. You repeatedly mentioned a key and a gate in other chapters, but never told us what they were. Naturally we are all curious, and I beginning to think that the pendant has a lot to do with that.

Baltar is one of my favorite characters because he seems the most haughty out of all of them. I don't know why I gravitate towards those characters, but I just do.

Sorry, if it seems that I am always commented on characters. As I have grown older I have gravitated towards stories where it is more character driven than plot, and I find that your story is fits into that category.

On a side note, if you have time could you possibly look at my story? I updated it yesterday.

"I agree, attachments are a weakness"...ouch! A little harsh don't you think?  Of course, this is the thinking of the Gifted and not the way we are brought up to think. We are brought up to think that love salvages everything. As long as you have that you are fine, but I forget that the Gifted aren't. When 805 said he would not kill 256 for a slightest mistake I thought he was kinder than he turned out to be. I can't believe he just slit her throat, and she just wanted to help her son! The lives of these people are so sad! Your descriptions are great as usual!

I really hope Janelle gets her daughter back, but by the looks of her recruits I can't say I am optimistic. However, I am sure they will power through. Mostly because it would be an awful story of the good guys lost. I don't read things unless they have happy endings. Anyway this was an enjoyable read and complemented my proper southern sweet tea!

 

My heart really goes out to 256. I was wondering what had happened all those years ago and now that we know I feel like he was too caring for a group like this. He has too much heart. I was so wrong about him in the beginning. When we were first introduced I was convinced that he was stone cold and that Carey would have to coax him into being able to feel. I am quite glad to know that I was wrong. I am tired of boys who act emotionless, but when they meet a girl they suddenly have all these feelings.

Knowing that he and 440 were that close once is unfathomable to me. It's just so painful knowing that there was one person who cared about you and now that one person hates the living daylights out of you. I am trying to decide if 440 is incorrigible. I hope he is not because I do like it when characters like his are able to see redemption.

I am so close to actually catching up to where you are currently! I thought I was so behind because I was working on the chapter I had to put up today. I work on a schedule so every 4th and 20th of the month. I wanted to read more, but today just happened to be the 4th, so I couldn't, but I will tomorrow.

I really like how you have portrayed Aedain. Most authors would have him immediately acting as if he was already head over heels in love with May. I am glad that we got to see that he is not acting like that. If you are going to make a May and Aedain relationship I recommend adding more subtle hints. I got a few from this chapter, and I know that it is not the focus of the story, but I have noticed most teenagers (I know it's sad) like to focus on the romance aspect of it all. They live for the anticipation of the couple getting together, and endure the pain the character takes in the name of love (I am no exception to this).

A suggestion I would make is maybe show as a little of Maewyn (I don't know how to spell her name). I think it would be an interesting look as to how she is doing, but if it is not part of how you pictured the plot than ignore this advice. I was just curious as to how things were going back in our world, so I thought maybe some other people were too.

So Samantha's story was true? I mean it had to be for her threaten Carey like that. I love the fact that Carey says their weakness is that they are still human. I feel she only said that because beneath 256 he was still human, and she is a little blinded by that, but I suppose that's what happens when you get close to someone.

I don't think I like Samantha anymore, which is not a bad thing. Too many authors work on making every character too likeable. That's annoying because we are supposed to be seeing this story through someone else's eyes, and it would be unrealistic if the character liked every single person he/she came in contact with. I think you do an nice job with characterization in all your chapters. I struggle to make sure that my characters don't come off as bipolar, and to see you do it with ease makes me jealous.

I really want 256 and Carey to meet again because I feel emotionally invested in their romance (don't judge me, but I always get too emotionally invested in fictional characters' lives). The pace is beginning to pick up like it did in the beginning because in the middle it slowed down again, and I like that because when you start off with a fast pace story you should keep it fast paced or else it just seems sloppy.

I am going to try to comment more frequently, but school just started back up again after our week off because of snow, so we are making up a bunch of tests and things of that nature.

I think I am going to try to comment on a chapter a day, but I might miss a few because school started back up after the snow fiasco Atlanta just witnessed (it was super embarrassing considering the Weather Channel is located in Atlanta and the governor claims we did not see the snow coming when they warned us a week in advance...Somehow Georgia even had 5 fatalities because of the snow) Well onto the story:

I like how you tied Zhawn into this. He seems horrible. I mean who feels no pain in their child's death. All the sympathy I once felt for Aeidan (I know it's spelled wrong...my computer refuses to cooperate today) has gone down the rabbit hole. I know it is in both their natures to be on the violent side, but when I see violence without motivation I sort of turn cold towards them.

Grammatically I did not see anything too striking that had to be addressed.

The plot is thickening, and I need to know how all of this ties together! I keep on waiting and thinking this is the chapter where it is going to happen, and it ties some stuff together, but then more new stuff in introduced, so now I have to worry about that.

Please give me some of kind of sign and say that May ends up Aiedan. Like I know I just said I don't like him, but I like it when the awful character changes to be a better person because of love. It just makes me so happy to see things like that. I know that is in most YA books, but rarely have I seen it done well. Like that is why I hate love triangles because they are just not done well. I like the ideas that you present in your story, and I think it is tale that can teach young children a thing or two.

Although I am not done I am enjoying this read. The character are intriguing as well as the plot. I wonder what happened to Quinn.

Your characterization in this one was great. I am slightly annoyed with sparkatale because it logged me out when I had already finished writing out a review for chapter 23 and 24. Back to the characterization. So May is more determined than ever. She has a strict idea of how people should be treated and the fact that Aedian is not treating her like a person pisses her off and she tells him so.

I still finding it surprising that Erik, a little boy, can care so much, but I think it is more realistic. As children I think we care more about the world and others  than we do as adults or teenagers. We begin to zero in on the people we know personally and care about. There was a book trailer for Clockwork Princess (I think you should really look into that series) and in the end the main character goes "If you could save the ones you love by damning the world would you do it? I would." I've never heard truer words in my life.

Samantha is making me slightly mad. I still don't like the way she treated Carey, but I suppose it would have been foolish having her guard down. I loved seeing the way Carey reacted to knowing all that 256 had done for her. It was humbling moment for her, and I think she needed that.

I also like the fact that Janelle is trying to be warmer towards other people. I hope she gets her daughter back, so maybe she can have the happiness she deserves. Your story is turning quite dark. I enjoy reading stuff of this nature not stuff where everything ends up happy. I mean I still like a happy ending, but I don't want everything to be perfect because that is unrealistic.

Oh no, poor Carey! I would be kicking myself too, but I could tell that she was so eager to trust someone. Also I must commend the lies told there. Everything seemed so calculated. I don't know if I would have been able to lie like that, or if anyone would have really.

I don't know how Carey will get out of this mess. She is not a talented fighter, and she does not seem very strong. Perhaps she should have stayed and learned a little more from 256. I hate calculating people, yet I admire them at the same time. I am paradox. I love the intelligence it took to pull that off, but at the same time I felt so bad fore Carey. However I am glad it was done with intelligence rather than fighting because novels these days always are action filled without showing it is possible to outsmart your enemy.

So Carey has made it to the rebels and Janelle is out of her funk! I am so glad that Janelle was not one of those characters that decided to punish themselves by drinking and creating scenes. I have read way to many books where that is the outcome. I am glad Janelle wallowed in self pity and blame because that is what a classic hero (I mean a hero from before the 2000s) would do. I am also glad to see that Janelle is taking control of her mission once again. It wouldn't feel right if anyone else did it.

So I wonder what they are going to do to Carey. They are at a particularly vulnerable time in their lives, which makes me think they will react irrationally or in a sense a perfect rational sense. It is dangerous to trust, but at the same time it is necessary, and if they want to be able to take down the Gifted why not use the help of someone who knows them personally.

What an exciting chapter! Ugh, the feels were strong with this one. I can't believe the emotional capacity of 256. When we were first introduced to this character I knew he would grow, but I didn't know it would be this quickly or that I would like him as much as I do. He seemed like a tortured soul, and I have a small weakness for them. I can't believe he didn't go with her! I mean I can believe it, I just wish he had. I am sure they will meet again, or else this would be a very sad ending.

I am excited to see where their story line is going. I want to know if Carey will run into the rebels again, but this time will she join them? And if and when 256 will see her again. This story is getting to its best part. I am going to go ahead and read whatever much I can today because I need to know.

Can I just start off by saying I was right! I thought Janelle was lying about her having a sister. The ages didn't add up, and when James mentioned something about it I knew something was up (always trust people named James, which is yet another bias). The poor girl lost her daughter. I can't say I know of the feeling, but a biology teacher at my school last year lost her daughter, and I could tell from the way she acted that her pain was unimaginable, and that hopefully I would never have to feel anything like that.

So I saw Frozen a few weeks ago, and all I can say is that the quote from Olaf where is he like love is putting other's needs before  yours, and the fact that 256's first concern was not him self makes me think that this is going to be a great pair. I wonder what happened with his past. Did he fall in love before? Or was it more political?

I knew it! Before the story ended I guessed he was the king's son. I am glad that you did that because that showed that Aedain is capable of loving. Erik have nightmares is so sad because you can't escape them. You can't control what happens in your brain even when you are awake or at least I can't.

I love the fact that Aedian gave into what Erik wanted proving that this kid is adorable. When you first introduced the character of Erik I prayed that you would not create another Prim (Katniss's sister from The Hunger Games). The characters are both soft hearted but there seems to be something more to Erik's character than there was in Prim's. I like round characters better than flat. I know it is necessary for there is to be some flat characters in every story, but I am glad that most of yours are round.

As someone who suffers from second hand embarrassment this chapter had be blushing like crazy. It was extremely uncomfortable for May, thus making it extremely uncomfortable for me. I was reading this chapter with my face hidden between my hands. My parents are looking at me weird because of this. 

I assumed they would not get away because of my suspicions I was not entirely surprised that Aedain caught up with them. I mean he is a demon, and I always figured demons had superior use of the five senses. Also I feel that May is brave, and strong hearted. I just don't know or think she is physically, which puts her at a distinct disadvantage against these demons. It also makes me think that to get away she is going to have to out smart them. I hope you don't have her rescued by a prince or something. That would be so typical. I have never read a book or story where the character makes an escape because of brilliance, and I want to see that. I look forward to reading your next chapter.

Congrats on making the most shippable characters. I don't know if I am just a crazy fangirl and want to ship the main character with everyone possible, but I think I know where the romance is heading with your story. I don't want to say it out loud in case I am wrong.

Also I thought it weird that May blamed Erik at first; even though, it was his fault. I am just so used to the heroes of the story taking all the blame on themselves. It was refreshing change to see the hero seem more like a normal human being and not being above the high morality standard that most of them set. 

The little bit about Erik's origins were very intriguing. I do wish you had gone more into it. No matter I am sure you will in further chapters. I read a book once where there main character was part demon, and she was intelligent and kind and everything you would not expect kind of like Erik. He clearly is more human than demon, which is nice because most people would make him the bad guy.

I will be able to read a lot more of your story today and tomorrow because we are out for snow!

That was a distressing chapter. I mean I knew not everyone would make it out alive, but there is always something about the kinder ones dying that touches hearts. I also think the fact that James died (I couldn't help but feel a bias towards him; even though, he was nothing like my James). The fact that Emma died was awful. To be honest I saw her death coming once you began writing about her fighting. I knew she would not be strong enough.

256 is frightening when he wants to be. I am so used to him being the kindhearted boy one minute and then a robot following duty the next, but seeing him get violent was terrifying. The moment you see just how dangerous the kind ones really are is when you realize they are capable of total destruction, but I suppose a part of him is damaged. I think that is also what makes him so dangerous. He know that he can survive. Cassandra Clare (author of The Mortal Instruments and The Infernal Devices) put into better words. I am just paraphrasing what she said.

Carey seems a brave. People confuse reckless with bravery, but I have noticed from the way she acts that she is brave. I generally have a negative attitude towards recklessness. Those characters just drive me up the walls because they think they are being selfish when is reality they are just acting on impulse. But I am pleased to see that Carey is still as brave as I thought she was in the beginning.

At least Erik and May have each other. In a situation like this I would like to have someone around me that I know. I wonder why May was captured. Your story is like a bit of fantasy, mystery, and some form of science fiction. I love have you combine genres and not just stick to elements of one because that does not make for an interesting tale.

I am beginning to wonder what is May's role in all of this. Why is she so special that the demons had to capture her. Was it just because Erik said her name? Or is there a greater role for May in this? I believe May was selected for a reason. Your story is one that makes me question if it is the journey that makes the story or if it is the character? You have combined both of those things and it is impossible to see any other character taking May's place.

Sorry, I haven't commented in a while. I've just had several school related things. AP Calculus and AP Computer Science have been domineering my life at the moment. I plan on reading more because I do believe we will have a day off of school because of the weather, and I plan on using that time to read more of your story.

One of your guesses is correct about what happened to the book. Thanks for commenting. Don't worry you have time till I post the next chapter, which will come out on the 4th of February (I post of the 4th and 20th of every month).

Oh my God, has the rebellion begun? I am excited to see all the characters meet, and how they will interact with each other. Also how old are James and Emma? I was just curious about that. With Janelle it's like three steps forward and a mile back. I feel bad for her, and I have started to have assumptions about her sister. The fact that James emphasized the huge age difference between Janelle and her sister makes me think of something else. Your James is so different from my James that it is very amusing for me to read.

Carey does not seem like the type to betray 256. I think if she does not have a romantic interest in him she still cares a great deal about him. If you are taken away from your home and there is only one person who has truly acted as your friend then you generally form an attachment. I can see that attachment between those two clearly, and I like it. I think that anticipation of them getting together is the best part. I love the anticipation in books for the characters to get together. It's so heart wrenching because you know it is going to happen but at the same time every thing that hurts them hurts the reader.

So May is in a spot of trouble. I am warming up to Abrran. At first I thought he was like one of those preppy private school boys, but that fact that is brave does ease some of my initial dislike towards him (also the fact that he is handsome, but that makes me sound shallow). The demons were excellently portrayed. You can really sense the fear these people have of them. I really like how you have created your own sort of culture. Also I did not expect demons hurting people at a temple. I always thought those were sacred sort of places the demons could not enter. The fact that your demons can makes them seem that much more terrifying.

So Erik is part demon? That's a plot twist. I mean I knew he was not perfectly human, but I did not see part demon coming. I read another story where a girl was part demon and part something else, and she reminds me a little bit of Erik (only in the sense that they are both good people with dark blood in them). I think it is interesting that Erik is a good person, but still had demon blood in him. I think it is a good representation of how there is demon in all of us, but we should be fighting them off.

Why do I get the feeling that not only is Erik in trouble, but May is now also in trouble? I think they are going to go a capture her. Of course, I could be wrong. I really like the shifting POVs because I think only a very talked writer can make it feel like it connects. I tend not to write in shifting POVs because I think it is hard to do, and I personally enjoy just writing from one character POV, but you have done a good job with it. 

So the prologue is finally starting to make sense. At first I tried to connect it to the story, but it seemed a little distant; although, well written. I now see where it fits in. On a side note I really really really hope there is not love triangle! I wonder how you are going to handle the romance aspect of this story because if May is to go home then will her love come with her or will he stay in the world he belongs, or will May stay? It does not seem like she has much to go home to. Whatever the case I am sure you will do the end justice to May's story. I feel bad for May being forced to marry someone she does not know. Her fiance seems like a jerk, yet at the same time I feel that he will change at the story continues, which is why I think there might be a love triangle. I am praying that there is not one.

Oh no, Erik! Don't let him die! I hate it when children die (I mean I can't talk considering my prologue...).

                “It disappeared. Again,” the first voice muttered. “The brat is sly.”

The fact that they said "it" makes me think that they are either objectifying Erik or he is not human because it would never refer to a human. I was wondering who exactly his new friends was. At first I thought it was May because he mentioned the meat being something worthy of their table, but for some reason I don't think May is the friend. For one he would have referred to her by name and May does not seem like the type to give him raw meat for him to cook by himself. I mean no sensible person would allow a child to play with fire by himself. Just a few thoughts.

Also I was wondering why does May not arrange some sort of living space for Erik. I know he said that he was worried that everyone around him dies, but I thought May would persist.

I'm glad you found it realistic. I don't like it when the character does something that is totally out character.

You've left it off at another cliff hanger I see. I think Erik is some sort of a magical creature or he at least posses some form of magic. The way he was able to get into the house and May's room also the fact that he was living alone in the woods makes me think he either had a magical protector or he himself was able to protect himself.

I really want to know the reasons all the Dukes are warring. I guess I will have to keep on reading to find out. I am currently really into this stuff because I just finished watching my favorite show, Reign, which is about Mary Queen of Scotts. So I was able to truly stay in the world you have created. I am pleased with where this story seems to be going. It is one of those books where everything I want happens, or at least it seems that way, and sometimes we just need those books in our lives.

That was the point. James is supposed to think he is normal, but he obviously not. The look is actually supposed to be very rare even from where he is from. But I will admit I have seen quite a few people with that hair color. I think it is trend in the south, but the color is died, which is where I got the color from.

After reading your review and comment you made me keep on smiling all day. Thank you!

I really want to know what it is 256 did that he thinks he deserved whatever he got. Obviously it wasn't good. I don't sense much animosity between the two boys, but I think that is because 256 struggles to come to terms with emotions. I don't think he could identify a single one of his emotions if he tried. He is too used to doing his duty for others that he forgets that he has a duty to himself. Every now and then I will see Carey warm up to him, but then then she reverts back to being snarky towards him.

I am glad to see that the POVs are beginning to connect. I like it when they all start to connect because after a while it is hard to keep up with story jumping around wildly. It's not too bad when it is just two or three.

I figured Marvin must have been either gifted or have had some connection with them. I thought this when he said his name was Marvin to his sister because the Gifted have numbers not names, so he must not have had a fixed name.

Poor Carey. She almost escaped, but I also guessed that she would not. Mostly because that would mean her leaving 256, which I don't see happening. I also liked how she was careful to take care of him in a subtle way. By not taking all the provisions she was ensuring his survival. I think it is important for Carey to understand that there is good in this world of Gifted and not everything is as black and white as it may seem.

I did not expect so much emotion from Janelle. I always see her as someone who is hard to break, but there is nothing worse than seeming someone who seems invincible break down. It makes you feel like there is nothing you can do.

I think it's nice how 256 is worried that Carey is not ready. It implies that he cares what happens to her. I mean this is probably the first time he has let anyone get close to him. He also does not have his heart as guarded as I thought him to have. In his situation most people would be shielding their heart like crazy, but every now and then we can see cracks in his armor. I think that is because 256 is not very sure how emotions work because he has just said yes to everything.

Janelle is becoming a sad creature. Her heart is the most guarded. She does not want to let anyone in. When James and Emma tried to get in she wouldn't let them. It's funny how the one who had once been loved is the one with the shield, but I suppose that is because she knows the pain that it will cost her to lose the people she loves and 256 has never felt it before.

At first I questioned the thought of Janelle being leader. She seems to doing things based off of emotions rather than thinking them through. I mean me saying that is like the pot calling the kettle black. My first pick would have been Samantha, but because she does not carry the aura of a leader I suppose Janelle was in fact a decent choice.

My only complaint was that there was no 256 and Carey. This happens to me every time I read something. I get so invested in the love lives of fictional characters.

Also I keep on forgetting to put this in my comments, but have you read Divergent? Because the relationship between 256 and Carey kind of remind of the characters in there, but of course...in case you were going to read or have not gotten to final book I'm not going to spoil it like I was about to. Let me just say I certainly hope their relationship does not end up like the one from Divergent.

For the previous chapters 256 and Carey the feelings seemed one sided and in this chapter you can see Carey start to open up. Especially when she told him her name. In the world that he grew up in (I hope he gets a name soon. I feel like that would liven him up.) no one has a name, and he can tell names are special, so when Carey shares hers with him you can tell it means a lot to him.

I feel bad for Janelle and Samantha because I think as a writer we all know that feeling just before we think we should give up. That feeling that seems to be trying to take you down with it, is quite possibly the worst feeling in the world because it makes you aware of limitations. I also wish the people in the town would understand that there is strength in numbers. Also I totally related with the weather in this. It is 21 degrees here, to put that into perspective that  is about -6 degrees for you, and I live in the south of USA (We are about to have the coldest night all year tonight.)! So I can totally relate with Samantha's and Janelle's pain.

“I won’t,” she said stubbornly. “I’m strong.”

“But you’re still human.”

________________________________________________________________

Those were my favorite lines because they held such meaning. Every now and then I think it is important to remind our selves that even the greatest of heroes have their limitations. And that we are all still "human" that there is not life that is worth more than another.

We can see that 256 really does care about human life, and I think it is important because all the other Gifted seem to think that they are the "lessers", and he has his moments where he had to remind himself that that is what he is supposed to think.

I love what you did with the powers. How they can only harm you if they touch you. It is new, and everyone has to have a weak point. It would not be a fun story if the seemed invincible because then the main protagonists would seem like they stood no chance.

I don't really see the Gifted as evil. When I first read your summary I assumed they were the ones being oppressed because in most novels is that not the way it is? The ones that are the most different because they are "better" or "gifted" are the ones that are prosecuted, but I like how in this case it is the opposite. I feel sympathy for 256. He clearly knows more than he his letting on. Carey is a tad on the reckless side, in my opinion. I also like that whatever is on her mind, she blurts out. Of course if she continues to blurt out her plans things are not going to go too smoothly for her. 256 gained my sympathy. I  feel sorry for him, and I can't blame him for the crimes of others.

Out of curiosity what is exactly is the relationship between Janelle and Samantha. I don't mean to make assumptions, but at times they seem like nothing more than strangers, and  then friends, and then a couple. I was just wondering what your plans with them were.  

So basically...I ship 256 and Carey already. You did a very nice job creating the tension between them. You also did a very nice job with introducing his character to us. Maybe instead of saying flat out he thought she was pretty you could make it a little more suggestion that gives the reader the idea that he has an interest in her. Like describe how he acts rather than what he says. I don't if it is just me but actions speak louder than words. I say this only because it is fun watching readers panic over the love interests in stories when they think it is going to work out one way, but they have to anticipate it rather than get it right away.

I really like how you characterized 256 because I feel like I know a lot about his personality because of the way he says things. He does not seem to understand human interactions. He also seems like one of those people who have a grip on what is right and what is wrong, but the struggle with following their own instinct. I always love watching those characters develop.

I am not  very picky with style as long as it is a grammatically correct and your story so far seems to be. I will get on to the next chapter as soon as I can!

As far as the writing goes, I think this was your best yet. Your descriptions were great and overall I just really liked the stylistic choices you made with this one.

Eeek cannibals! I saw that coming when he licked his lips. Well, I guess they were technically not human as you did say they were legendary beasts, but still it was gross. I liked it. I am glad you did not try to cover away from stuff that disgusts humans. I know several people who would not have taken the risk in writing that just because most people detest it. So good for you. I like risk takers aside from authors who take a risk by killing their main characters in my opinion that is just lazy.

I also keep on forgetting to mention that I like the POV shifts normally it is hard for me to keep up with them, but you have made it very easy to follow. I will read the next chapter as soon as I am done working out.

What I meant by that is that you can do it a little more in places where you are describing her feelings. Like describe her actions of fear and worry. It's not major. Like it's fine as it is now, but I think this would just help improve it.

Yeah, I'm going to go and change the name thing before I start looking for a publisher, but thanks for the advice and the nice review. You are correct in that Ryker is not a lawyer and you are also correct in that the main parts of the story will be in the other world.

I was wondering if you intended this to be a full length novel? If you were I would slow down the pacing just by a tad. It's not a problem, but it is just something I would do if this were a full length novel. If it is a novella or a short story then this pacing is perfect. I do like stories that do straight into the plot, so I am not complaining. I really do like your descriptions of the setting, the emotion of the characters, and the cliff hanger at the end of great too. The characters are great too in this chapter. I am beginning to get a feel for their personality. I don't want to say that I know what they would do for certain at this point because I am only two chapters in, and obviously there will be character development. Carey does not seem like the typical main female protagonist. She does not annoy me, which is rare in my opinion. Too many other authors try to give the girls what they think they want, but in reality they just end up making me angry. However, you have made Carey a girl that is understandable and not one that is too harsh, but not one that is too soft, which I think is key. The only think I would add a little bit more is a little more showing and a little less telling. Overall this chapter was great and an enjoyable read. I will continue reading it in my spare time.

Erik! My heart goes out to him. Throughout this chapter I felt nothing but sympathy for him. He is such a lonely boy. The feeling that you are not special to anybody is the worst feeling in the world. You have done really well telling us how lonely Erik is. I can sense he has a greater plot to play in this story (obviously you wouldn't introduce a character just like that and have him be minor). I sense a darkness with his character. I don't mean that he is evil just that evil tends to follow him around. Kind of like Harry Potter. You don't have to be a bad person to be surrounded by darkness, and I feel that is the case with Erik.

The plot in this chapter was interesting because we were able to slightly divert from the mirror storyline, which is good because subplots in the story are always great. In fact sometimes I wish the subplots in some stories played a larger role. I am not sure if this chapter is a subplot, or if it ties into it later. If this were a full length novel I would assume it is a subplot, but I don't know if that is what you intend for this story.

I really like the setting of your story. The time period type setting is my favorite. I love the ancient times To study, I mean. I would die if I had to live there, literally and figuratively.) You are doing a good job sticking to things that relate to the setting, which is always appreciated by the readers. Overall it was a nice chapter.

Thanks for the review. I'll work on fixing the things you pointed out.

I really like the concept of this story. It reminded me several things I had read, yet it was like nothing I had read. I love the way you didn't have to explain much about who the Gifted were and what this society was like, but we still just an understanding about it from how your characters reacted to things and thought about certain things. I really like it when people write stories that involve the elements. Personally I am a huge fan of water (My stars sign is a water sign. Yes, I am biased). I actually just bought a short story today that delt with the main character turning into a shadow, and Carey reminded me of him. There is so much you can do with that power, and I feel that you will use it to the greatest extent that you can.

The plot is what intrigued me to your story first. It seems like a mix of dystopian and fantasy. Normally I cannot stand dystopian on its own. I think it is an overused, overrated genre, but the fact that this is mostly fantasy is what I love best. I am also a big fan of twins. I will admit I am not an expert on them, and my love for them does come from Fred and George Weasley. However, I do know about siblings, and you are doing a great job of writing about them. You can really tell the love Carey has for all her siblings, and the fear she has of Lindsay being taken away. Revenge oriented female protagonists are my favorite because they are literally willing to stop at nothing to get what they want.

I will admit I was not getting enough of May's true color in the beginning, but now I can see them clear. In the beginning of the story because you did a great job on the emotional aspect I could only feel the bitterness in her and jealousy, but I can now feel her strength and morals. She is quite noble and brave, but not reckless, which I appreciate because most authors these days are incapable of telling the difference.

The female characters of our generation are quite boring and honestly annoying aside from a select few. I disliked Katniss Everdeen because I did not feel that she was a true hero. She was a selfish girl, but I can see that May truly does care about people other than herself, even her family, who tend to neglect her. I think that is the making of a great female hero. You will notice I did not write a main protagonist as a female because they are not as easily liked as a male, but you have done well with this.

I actually wrote this comment yesterday, but it signed me out before it came on.

I really like the character of Lief? Leif (I must admit I am quite poor in spelling)? He is not the typical type of boy you see in novels. I would also like to point out I have made the assumption that he is the love interest in the story. In typical YA books these days you get two types of boys as the main guy character. Don't get me wrong I love them both, but I would like to see a change every once in a while, and your character is a prime example of that.

The two types are as follows

1. The Beautiful Tortured Soul: This boy is the kind that is snarky, incredibly good looking (the kind that draws you in), has a past that causes great trauma in his present, but he will hide it all with jokes. I will admit my favorite fictional character, who I try not obsess over, is one of these. These are the boys that used in love triangles (I hate love triangles) because that just makes their tragic lives even more so morbid.

2. The Complete Hero: These boys are the Harry Potters of YA writing. They will do everything and anything to protect the ones they love. They are rarely in use of a love triangle when it comes to be the story because that would not be very hero like of them, but they are incapable of being with their true love until the very end because they will be pushing them away every second they get to protect them.

Leif does not seem to fit into any of these categories quite yet. He might, and there is nothing wrong with that, but as of now he seems different. I feel like there are not enough novels out there showing different variation in character, and you are doing a good job of that.

For the plot, I must say I am rather excited for all the next chapter. I love this type of stuff.

At first I was anticipating some romance with the mention of the son. Will we get some later on? Not necessarily with May and the son, just in general? I will admit I am partial to a little romance. But towards the middle I began to see that this is not where you were going with this at all. I love epic wars. I know this sounds awful, but my favorite parts about history classes were the wars. American history was loaded with them, and I find inspiration for writing the wars in my stories from there. The whole idea of fighting for freedom, or fighting for the better good is so ironic to me. Never have I heard of a war (okay, I am biased towards the American Revolution, and I will say that war seemed to be for the better good) that actually solved problems. I hope when the war does break it (if there is a war in your story) that you demonstrate these concepts of how war ruins one country while giving false freedom to another when in reality they have given in to their greed. Overall a very nice chapter, and I will continue reading because I can't wait to see what happens next.

It seems as if with every chapter I will be forced to say this is my favorite chapter, but here it is again. This is my favorite chapter. I enjoyed the view I got of the world. I love stories where we travel to a different world where we must learn the customs of the place. It's a bit like Lord of the Rings in the sense that they have their own language and culture.

I used to be a big fan of the medieval/dark ages; however, I don't remember much about them. Lately I've been more interested in the Victorian Era, but I think this is mostly because of The Infernal Devices. I think it is very important to know about the medieval ages if you are going to tell us that it is almost identical, and I feel that you are very informed on this subject.

I didn't feel any sympathy for Hilda, but my friends do tell me I am a heartless person. I am totally on May's side. Being thrust into these situations are never easy, and on top of that you are suddenly a Duke's daughter. That is hardly fair.

This was my favorite chapter so far. I know you are thinking that's weird because the main characters were not in it, but I loved the air of mystery.This chapter tied in the other chapters without giving too much away. I am basing this off of an assumption I have about your story, so I could completely be wrong. I think that the key they are searching for is what allows traveling between the two worlds aside from the mirror.

I can't really say much on the characters other than I anticipate them to be the antagonists of this story. Perhaps I am wrong. I am often wrong. I love how the bird talked (in case you did not notice I am a huge fan of talking birds).

I was going to make him fail the test, but then I realized his life is going to be very unpleasant, and I should give him at least this. Thanks for reviewing.

At first I had a few ideas as to what you were going to do with the story.

a) Maewyn (Out of curiousity is the name Welsh? It sounds Welsh.) and May were the same people, and Maewyn was a sort of alter ego for May

b) May truly belongs to this world, and this is where she ought to have grown up in.

c) May and Maewyn have switched places

I am pleased to see you have gone with option 3 because that is refreshing. When the first two are done, they are often not done well.

This chapter had the best clarity out of all your chapters, and I enjoyed being able to see Baltimore and the other world. I love stories with other world's. Urban fantasy just seems lazy where as pure fantasy involved world building. It shows the makings of a true writer.  

Once again thanks for reviewing my work. I look forward to reading more of your work.

I am really glad that you took the time to go in depth with your views. I am thrilled that you like it. I plan on putting up the next chapter on the twentieth.

I really love how you describe the clothes and the stars (to indicate she is in a different world/location), but I want to suggest to you to try showing more than telling. The the Chinese outfit describe it more. The touch, the look, etc. are all great things to include.

I also like how the name that they call her (I am not writing it down in fear of spelling it incorrectly) is very similar to her actual name, so the reader can get the further impression that this an alternate universe.

I love the fantasy element in your story so far. You have done a good job keeping me on my toes. I look forward to reading the rest some time.  

Grammar:

checking if he packed that toothbrush indeed – after all

• change that to his

The both girls

• the is not needed

Characters:

May - She seems like the everyday misunderstood teen at first, but then you elaborate more on her character, which is good. We are then able to see that she is more than some "Bella Swan" but rather a "Clary Fray" (I am not sure if you have read either Twilight or The Mortal Instruments). A girl who is relatable. Relatable characters are the best type of characters because then the reader can truly put them selves in the place of the hero of the story.

Hailey- She is a brat. She is annoying. She makes me want to punch a wall. And that is EXCELLENT! A lot of authors are afraid to have some of their characters despised, but I think it takes true talent to make a character dislikable. You will notice that in most YA novels girls fawn over the character that is brutish and arrogant, which should never be the case. You want the reader to be on the same page as the same character. May does not hate her sister, but we can still she is not overly fond of her either.  A true testament of a good author is to make the readers feel, which you have done.

Overall a nice story so far. I particularly like the fact that it is going to a sort of medieval world because I am obsessed with that type of stuff. The setting was also done very nicely. Keep up the good work. Maybe you'll get it published one day.

Grammar:

checking if he packed that toothbrush indeed – after all

• change that to his

The both girls

• the is not needed

Characters:

May - She seems like the everyday misunderstood teen at first, but then you elaborate more on her character, which is good. We are then able to see that she is more than some "Bella Swan" but rather a "Clary Fray" (I am not sure if you have read either Twilight or The Mortal Instruments). A girl who is relatable. Relatable characters are the best type of characters because then the reader can truly put them selves in the place of the hero of the story.

Hailey- She is a brat. She is annoying. She makes me want to punch a wall. And that is EXCELLENT! A lot of authors are afraid to have some of their characters despised, but I think it takes true talent to make a character dislikable. You will notice that in most YA novels girls fawn over the character that is brutish and arrogant, which should never be the case. You want the reader to be on the same page as the same character. May does not hate her sister, but we can still she is not overly fond of her either.  A true testament of a good author is to make the readers feel, which you have done.

Overall a nice story so far. I particularly like the fact that it is going to a sort of medieval world because I am obsessed with that type of stuff. The setting was also done very nicely. Keep up the good work. Maybe you'll get it published one day.

I figured I would review yours in a similar manner that you did mine.

Plot:

As we have not gone too deeply into the story I must make assumptions as to where it is going. If my assumptions are correct I think I will like the turn of events. Fantasy in my opinion is one of the greatest genre's because you can make everything up, and you have certainly used that to your advantage. This particular chapter reminds me of Avatar (the excellent cartoon and not the haphazard movie) with the eighty year thing. I always love it when there seems that someone is a walking history lesson. Your plot also reminds of a classic fantasy novel, and there are not that many great ones out today. This genre seems to fading quickly, and I am glad you chose it.

The idea of a final battle, the ultimate showdown has been captivating readers since the dawn of time, and this chapter accomplished it. I find the idea of a parallel universe or another world enticing, so good job there.

Characters:

As I have gone ahead and read I know that these are not your main characters, and I will comment on them in a different chapter.

Grammar/Boring Stuff:

I think you were near perfect here. I read through some of your other comments, and they seemed to have caught them all, so it would be pointless and rude of me to point it out again.

I look forward to reading more of your story.

 

I am so glad you liked it. It's always nice to hear people say nice things about your work. I also really appreciate the fact that you commented. It seems as if no one was taking notice of my story, and the fact that you did truly did make my day.

I really appreciate the fact that you took time to read my story and leave a comment. Your words truly did encourage me to continue the story, which one day I hope will be a full length novel.

I really enjoyed reading your story. I particularly liked the characterization you used. I think the books/stories I have liked best are due to the characters, and your characters are great.

I thought the solution was very clever. It is the simpler things we tend to over look. I appreciated the fact that I had to spend some time to figure it out, which I do not have to do often.

I really enjoyed this chapter, and I am looking forward to the next one. I have been struggling to find quality content, but then I stumbled across your story. I will surely be looking for the next chapter when you should release it.