Sparkatale

OK, so I've finally sat down and had enough time to read your work - sorry for taking so long - so it'll probably be a weekly thing, so bare with me! ^^'

The first thing I noticed was 643 herself, especially the thoughts she repeated in her head. Be strong. Be ten times stronger than they’ve ever been. Only then will you be enough. Immediately she feels thought-out and fleshed-out, in how she thinks, her actions (fighting back a smirk, asking her potential killer about denying her accusation with her voice a fraction lower) and what she says.

You also have no qualms with starting out strong, with two prisoners being hanged in this chapter. It seems like a world where this is the norm, as some of the council and even some of the youngsters never even flinched. It says a lot about the world they're in.

Just one thing really;  I noticed - for me, anyway - the description of the uniforms. I feel like the average person wouldn't necessarily notice how every single person wore a double breasted jacket with three bronze buttons on either side of the chest, Perhaps it would be better if 643 noticed these details when the Head Councilman - or a single person -  approached her? Again, if these are the sort of things you do notice yourself, then disregard this note!

Still, it's a strong opening chapter, creating intrigue and not giving away too much information! It's quite good, and invites the reader to read more to get some answers - so job well done!

 

Thanks so much for the comment! I’m glad you liked this prologue :) It’s a new addition to the story, one I wrote a couple of months ago. I added it because I thought the story needed a stronger beginning, and I also wanted readers to have more of an idea of the Gifted’s lifestyle and way of life from the start. Not to mention, well… I like writing about 643/The Leader xD Just so you know, future chapters will pretty much exclusively refer to her as The Leader, because it’s considered very rude for ordinary Gifted plebs to call her by her number :P

Thanks for the critiques too. Gifted is in desperate need of a rewrite that I have been procrastinating for a long time haha, so don’t be afraid to tell me anything you think needs to be changed in the coming chapters :P Thanks again :) And don’t worry, take all the time you need to read. It’s not like I’ve been very punctual with my reviews for your stories :/ Sorry for not getting to the last chapter of This is Why I’m Afraid like I said I would -.- I will definitely get to it later tonight, and I’d like to read In Love With Air too. It feels very familiar to me and I’m sure I read the previous version, but I can’t remember if I left comments on it before. Still, I look forward to revisiting it!

P.S. Sorry in advance if you notice some inconsistencies between this chapter and the rest of Gifted. There are a lot of small details I plan to change when my endless procrastination finally stops. I just wrote the prologue with those changes in mind, but the rest of the story will still have them there. For example the name of the Gifted's headquarters is called the Fortress in this chapter but it used to be called the Council as well. I changed it because I felt it was too confusing to differentiate between the building called the Council and the Council of people who advise the Leader :P

As someone who has read Gifted through 3 times, this new opening is certainly a very strong change of tone from the original version. That opening with Carey and Wesley talking in the field is a great introduction to one of our heroes, but this does an excellent job of introducing our villains. I remember thinking at the end of the first chapter when I initially read it that the Gifted felt almost like boogymen that steal children away. We knew next to nothing about them. With this, we learn quite a lot about them from the start which I think is good. While I suppose it does lose some of that “who the hell are these mysterious people” vibe, it adds far more than it takes away. We get to see and understand just how awful the Gifted can be and we see it from the jump. It makes them feel quite a bit more threatening, knowing upfront what they’re capable of. I imagine it would make those early confrontations with the Gifted feel all the more tense, knowing what the Gifted do to those that oppose them.

I also liked seeing this from the Gifted’s prospective instead of say the rebels. While opening a book from the viewpoint of the villains is pretty rare in my experience, it does help with one of my favorite aspects of the series; the Gifted aren’t pure evil. They’re very gray. In fact, one could almost be forgiven for not even knowing that the Gifted are supposed to be the antagonists of the series without the benefit of having read this before. Obviously by the end there anyone would start to question that, but still it’s good writing. This intro does a great job at humanizing the Gifted as well, which to me is great because I find the more I can identify with the villains, the more I enjoy the conflict with them. I mean, 481 comes across as a man that’s out there doing his job hunting down a traitor to the country, not some villainous assassin.

I know you said you wanted to flesh out the Leader more, so I’m glad to see her appearing in the prologue. I’ve always found the character very interesting, despite how little we’ve actually seen of her so I was excited to see her in this context. Again, we’re seeing her from the perspective of one of her own people instead of someone to whom obviously she is a powerful and dangerous adversary and it gives her a much different feel because of that. Previously, she’s come across as quite scary and intimidating. Here, shes… well, she’s still scary and intimidating :P But she’s also obviously quite driven and a true believer in Gifted superiority. I can’t wait to learn more about her. And again, I like that she comes across so gray instead of obviously the bad guy. It makes her far more interesting to me that way. You can almost see things from her point of view, in a way.

But anyway, this really is a great (re)start to this series. I enjoyed the darker opening compared to the original and getting to see a lot more about the Gifted from the opening. You’ve also got some tantalizing hints of mystery with the wind both guiding 481 there at one point and again at the end when he hears the singing. And of course the blue eyed girl as well! So I do hope we get to see more of 481 and the rest of the crew in the future. But yeah, I’m excited to see what all you have planned! Oh, also when we get into the story proper with chapters I’ve already read and commented on before, don’t hesitate to point out any areas you’d specifically like to get feedback on. Obviously I won’t be able to do what I often do and theorize on what’s likely to happen next since, well, I already know xD So I’m more than happy to focus on whatever topics and sections you’d like me to. Hope you’re doing well and I’m looking forward to seeing what the next chapter brings :)

Thanks for the comment! I’m glad you liked this chapter. I was keen to give more insight into the Gifted and their ideology etc from the start, but I was worried they would come across as too empathetic, but hopefully with the end of the chapter that won’t happen :P Otherwise, we won’t get a close insight into them until 256 gets his POV so I’m glad you thought t was a good introduction.

I’m glad you like the grey aspect to the Gifted too. That’s always been very important to me to portray. I mean, the Gifted may be the ones to take away babies etc but they were the very people taken from their families at such a young age, so it’s in many ways a vicious cycle for them. The Leader in particular, as you say, is very devoted to the Gifted ideals, and I’m excited to get to explore her perspective more, although she will probably remain mostly a mystery until later on. But I do plan on giving her a little more page-time this time around :P

As for 481, he was meant to just appear in this prologue, but idk xD I enjoyed writing him so maybe he will pop up later on. Not sure where I will squeeze him in but I’ll try and find a way somehow :P I am planning to fully rewrite most of the story from scratch (although obviously plot-wise it will still be mostly the same beats), probably with a single POV per chapter each time, unless the characters are in the same location. I think particularly Janelle’s characterisation is something I would like feedback on because it will be changed the most out of the main characters. Oh, and one thing I will definitely be changing starting the next chapter is that Wesley will have a different name, which isn’t going to be confusing for us at all xD I haven’t fully decided if I will stick with it but I have been using William for now. I'm changing it because I felt overly self-conscious about the fact he and Carey’s names rhyme :P It’s more than a little annoying to call him by a new name when I’ve known him as Wesley for so long, but I hope I’ll get used to it eventually.

Thanks again for the comment and I will hopefully get to your chapters/PM soon. There’s a long weekend this week so I should have time then at the latest. For some reason, we celebrate the Queen’s birthday in September even though I’m pretty sure it’s actually in April, and also she shouldn’t be our Queen, but I won’t get into my “Australia should become a republic” tangent right now :P

Oh! I see that this is being re-written! I was reading it casually before the website outage from a few months back, great to see that you're getting back into it again!

Much like the other comment, the thing I immediately noticed and appreciated was the POV of the Gifted towards the start of the project, where it wasn't in the previous draft of the story. I remember the Leader, and it's great to see some back-story behind this character. What intrigued me was the fact that she was only Leader for two months on this assignment, obviously ruffling a few feathers along the way I see ^^' 

The hunt for a supposed traitor was impactful, considering her reasons for being in the village. You also do a great job of showing the distrust between Gifted and nonGifted in the way the Leader addresses the crowd, and especially in how 481 did what was done to the nonGifted man. Obvious animosity, but really well done!

One error I spotted - nothing a simple edit won't fix - he a gust of wind blew past him ... but flawless otherwise. I'm looking forward to the rest of the project!

Thanks for the comment! It’s been a long road haha. I haven’t written this story properly for close to a year, so I’m glad to get back into it, although it’s still pretty slow for me I suppose. I decided to rewrite it because I wrote the original a long time ago and I cringe so much when I read over it now xD

Anyway, I’m glad you liked the changes. I always enjoy writing from the Gifted’s POV so it was fun to include this. The Leader remains mostly a mystery for the first part of the story, but I always find her enjoyable to write. Thanks again for the comment :)