Sparkatale

The main character seems badass, I like badass female characters ;)  This chapter is very good at sucking readers in, it provides enough information to provide interest but at the same time keeps us guessing :D The cliffhanger at the end was very intriguing, I wonder who the leader is and how the main character knows who he is… Well, I’m assuming she knows who he is, if she recognizes his eyes. Anyway, good first chapter :D

Haha, yep Rachel is indeed a badass. Glad you like her. :)

Thanks for your first review; they truly give me a sense of fulfillment. :)

I laughed when she shot the clock. Doesn’t she know that’s a waste of money? XD I like her character so far :D

The Phantoms seem very creepy, I wonder why they want to run experiments on people? It reminds me of how the Nazis ran experiments on their captives during the Holocaust >.< Maybe it’s just to clone people so they have more man power, or maybe it’s for more creepy reasons… Ugh, makes me shiver just thinking about it.

Also a typo I picked up – ‘Instinctively, my hand pressed against the form of my fun, always ready in case it needed to be used’. I’m assuming ‘fun’ is meant to be ‘gun’ :P

Well that's an embarrassing mistake! Thanks for pointing it out. And yes; the Phantoms are cruel bastards. :D

 I love how you built up the suspense in this chapter. The Phantoms sound so creepy, although I must admit I have a soft spot for ninjas… XD I don’t really know why, but I’ve always thought they were cool.

One thing I am wondering, though, is what the main character looks like… I hope she is described soon, it would help me build a better picture in my head ^^ Or maybe she’s already been described and I somehow missed it lol.

Rachel's physical appearance is described in a later chapter. Ninjas are indeed awesome. :D

Good start. It's a prologue, not a first chapter, so the usual first chapter stuff I run over typically is hereby irrelevant. I liked the descriptions and word choice- it flowed very nicely except for in some spots where run on sentences created a little drag. I found several, more towards the beginning of the chapter than the end. A little tweaking and breakage would work well for those, it would just help repair the flow.

So far it was a nice start and has me wanting to read the first chapter, but he has his eyes? Who's eyes did this man's resemble? You might want to make that clear.

Thanks for your review, I appreciate it. Hmm, I'll see what I can do in order to make the beginning of the chapter more smooth.

As for his eyes, it's a foreshadowing. I can't simply reveal who's eyes they are otherwise that defeats the purpose of the mystery.

Makes sense. I wanted to go back and remove that after starting the first chapter where it said "six months earlier" but I guess I'll just have to read to figure it out!

We all want to do it, but who really shoots an alarm clock? I probably would if I slept with a gun on my nightstand, but still. Does she have neighbors? And if so, wouldn't they be concerned about a gunshot? Imagine her having to try to tell the police she shot her alarm clock.

As for the alarm clock deal, if there hadn't been a prologue I probably woulda nagged about this- stories that start out with the MC waking up to alarm clocks bug the hell out of me, but you did it in a unique way and it wasn't the "official" start of the story, so I'm gonna let it slide.

One last thing- we're all guilty of this, but beware that first chapter info dump. It slows things down quite a lot. But good job on the world building- it's very unique and sets up for a promising story, and feels like there's actually a real chance it could happen. Good job.

Rachel is a Seeker agent; the Seekers are like a private military organization that has authority over the law, that includes the police. As such, Rachel doesn't have to answer to any law aside from her superiors within the Seekers. As for her neighbors, well they'd have to suck it up. :P

Yes, yes YES! Finally I find a story here with explosions and shootouts. You write action scenes so well- it flows fluidly and the descriptive tone you have to your writing doesn't smother the suspense- it's still there, adding a nice touch, but it's toned back so the pace isn't interrupted. I know there wasn't much in terms of action going on here, and some more backstory (still not severe info-dumping, so good job) but it shows promise. The summary basically told me there'd be action, but now I'm just reassured.

Only complaint is watch those run on sentences- I found a smaller amount in this chapter, but there's still a few. Just a little proofreading should fix that right up.

Heh, glad you liked the action sequence. There will be more as you read along.

As for those "run on sentences" you keep on mentioning, I'm still confused as to what you mean by them. Could you provide an example so that I have a visual on what you mean?

One thing I found strange is that if the Head Warrior was trying to keep what this meeting was about a secret (because he said it isn’t safe to talk there) why didn’t he just send a messenger instead? Because then they wouldn’t even know he’d been there :P But I don’t know, maybe I’m over-thinking it… XD Apart from that I think this was a good chapter, it built up more of the mystery. I’m wondering why the Phantoms blew the place up, could it be that there was something important hidden there? Very exciting :)

Sending a messenger would be too risky because the Seekers are paranoid that the Phantoms put spies in their organization. It was in the Head Warrior's interest that he came personally to speak with Rachel.

This chapter was very interesting. I’m curious about when the Head Warrior said that the “You and I both know just how deep your roots with the Seekers go.” I’m guessing that must be something different to what we’ve been told already about her past, because her family's deaths were more to do with the Phantoms than the Seekers… very intriguing ^^

Oh, and a typo: “You and know both know just how deep your roots with the Seekers go." I’m assuming that’s meant to be “You and I” :P

Oh dear, I thought I caught all of the typos. -.-

Thanks for pointing it out.

I like the way you talk about words in the starting, like they are living things. You repeat the same motif at the end of the chapter, which is also a nice touch. However, I don’t quite understand the last phrase on the leader’s eyes, because you had already mentioned earlier that he had electric blue eyes.

Language-wise, there are a few word choices that I find out of place, namely

    ‘couldn’t resist shivering’ – I associate ‘couldn’t resist’ with something tempting; would ‘couldn’t help shivering’ or ‘couldn’t hold back a shiver’ be more consistent with the shiver?

    blaring lights – blazing lights?

    loud drop sound – loud drip(ping) sound?

Thanks for your review; I really appreciate it when readers take the time to not only read my work, but also to give me feedback on them.

What you will understand later on is that certain Phantom agents have the ability to switch between their "visions". So, they can go from electric-blue to whatever their natural eye-colors are. As for your suggestion of changing certain words, I believe that's a good advice to follow. I'll make the changes ASAP.

Awww my country is foolish XD Although to be honest I think the Australians would probably follow the US or UK into war, even if they aren’t that involved… We are definitely a “follower”. But it’s such a minor detail it doesn’t really matter :P

I hope this Guardian means that another regular character will be introduced, although I’m unsure whether they “survey from afar” or not :P I hope they don't or if they do they still make regular appearances. Again, I’m wondering what her “deep and personal ties to the seekers” are. Overall a very good chapter, I’m excited to see what happens next! :D

That's true, considering that's what happened during the two world wars, but I decided to make Australia more independent.

Eh, everything will be revealed in good time. :P

Hmmm, I wonder what the ring is for? Is it a message sent by the Phantoms, or the Guardian? I’m excited to find out. I really liked your action sequence, it was very well written.

Yay new character! I found it weird he was wearing such strange clothes, though. I suppose he wants to protect his identity, but I thought the Guardian would wear more normal clothes so he’d blend in and wouldn’t stand out so much. That's what they always do in cop shows when their undercover, I assumed they would be like that :P But if he’s sneaking around, it probably doesn’t matter what he wears :D

True, but Guardians typically avoid people. :P

Again, all will be revealed in good time. xD

 I get the feeling that Rachel and the Guardian have met before (even if she may not realize it yet). He seems too courteous and familiar, but maybe I’m just too suspicious, he could just be a nice guy XD

‘Hmm, sexy, I randomly thought’. I think when writing in first person its best not to say ‘I thought’ like that, at the end of the phrase. Simply saying ‘it sounded sexy’ or something like that would be better, as it just seems out of place to write it like this when the story’s in first person :P I noticed this a few times in the other chapters as well. But I don’t know, maybe that’s just me XD

I liked the information about Rachel’s family, especially about the necklace. I’m a very emotional person, I could feel a tear in my eye XD I wonder who she promised not to cut her hair to…

Her motorbike sounds so cool :P The plot is gaining momentum, I’m expecting something big to happen at this musical event :3

One thing I noticed, a couple of times with your dialogue you wrote something like: "The Phantoms." I mumbled.

It should be a comma after the dialogue instead of a full stop: “The Phantoms,” I mumbled.

Sorry for being so picky :P And sorry for being so slow with the comments, I've been super busy these past few days O.o

I’m wondering why the Guardian has a fake name, but Agents like Rachel don’t. Is it just part of their job, or is there a reason behind it? XD

Yeah, they’ve definitely met before. He was just too hurt when she suggested they hadn’t XD

Oooh exciting, the musical event is here :D Masquerade balls are so cool! This chapter reminded me of a similar scene in a favourite manga of mine (well, it used to be a favourite of mine before it ended horribly :P). I wonder who the stranger at the end is? I’d say he was the Guardian but then you’d think she’d have recognized his voice, so I’m intrigued…

Ugh, Martin Hill seems like a creep. I still think the Tracker guy is the Guardian, maybe he can change his voice? I don’t know :P

"Now where's his mighty steed? I thought humorously." Again I don’t think it’s necessary to put “I thought” at the end of this sentence. As the story’s in first person, I think you can just leave it as "Now where's his mighty steed?"

I’m guessing Rachel was drugged, which is why she acted that way? She seems to have the symptoms, the tiredness, etc :P

One thing, I did find it strange that she said she didn’t bring her gun. I mean, she could have carried it in her bag or something, and you’d think she’d make sure to take it if she was going on a Seeker mission.

BTW, I like that Rachel seems to like classical music. I’m a classical music fan myself, you see :P

I think the Head Warrior calling Hill a scumbag was a little unprofessional, even if it’s the truth. It just doesn’t seem a likely thing for a man in his position to say to his subordinates. In my country that would definitely be frowned upon, but I don’t know things in America could be different :P Despite that, this chapter was interesting, I’m excited to see how all these new characters will change things up ^^

A typo I noticed: “I vaguely wondered was it was with men and masks.” It should be “I vaguely wondered what it was with men and masks.”

Why do some of the agents hide their identities (like the Guardian, Fear, Predator, and I’m assuming Gizmo) while others don’t? I mean, if it’s to protect them from assassination attempts or something why don’t all of the agents have code names?

Now I’m thinking that Delta’s father was that guy from the prologue, it would make sense since she said she recognized that guy’s eyes and she was commenting on Delta’s in this chapter.

Predator’s story was so sad :( I don’t see why they took his whole arm off, though, I mean if cloning were possible it would only require one or two cells (sorry, I’m a biology geek). Maybe they just wanted to be extra mean to him :P Anyway nice cliffhanger at the end, I’m excited to see what happens next :)

Awww poor Delta, I feel sorry for him. I’m sure the person he freed is a clone of his mother instead of the real one, as it seems a bit coincidental for him to suddenly find her like that. Especially in the middle of the enemy's territory :P I’m sure it was a trick of the Phantoms :( Rachel is right to be suspicious.

Hey, sorry for the EXTREMELY late reply. I've been incredibly busy. I've read all of your reviews, and have made some adjustments. Also, I changed some details in the chapters, so if you're still interested in reading them, I recommend reading my story all over again. xD

I haven't forgotten your story. I'll take a look at Gifted when I'm on Easter break which is next week.

Toodles!

Hi! Welcome back :) I’ll try and get back to reading your story sometime in the next few weeks, I’ve got a few big and scary exams coming up so I’m very busy at the moment, but I’m an avid procrastinator so I’m sure I’ll find some time for it :3 Plus, I owe a few people reviews as well, but I’ll definitely get back to it sometime soon :)

Sure thing. I've got midterms in the meantime, so boooo!!!!!!!!!!!! Dx

Toodles!

Oh, I’m excited to learn more about this Phantom woman. I hope she will show another side to the Phantoms, or at least provide some more hints about their plans/motivations, etc :P I wonder how she and Predator know each other (I mean, I assume they were captured together, but I wonder what happened between them).

Overall, good chapter. The action scenes were exciting and well-written. I like Fear so far, he seems cool.

I really love the dynamic the group has :-) It seems very natural and friendly to me. Even though they haven’t all known each other for that long, they seem to care a lot for each other’s safety. The moments between Delta and Rachel were sweet too. I have a feeling something is going to happen between them quite soon ;-)

​​Interesting first chapter; sorry about the bold Comment, I'm on a tablet...but I will red more when I can.

Thanks a lot! This is actually the unedited manuscript of my novel, so it's not the best quality. I aught to edit it when I have time. Also, thanks for the follow; I hope you enjoy my work.

Not sure if you read my comment, but I entered my novel in a contest, and I need all the likes that I can get. Would you please support my work by checking out the following link and click on the heart-shaped button on the bottom of the page? Once that's done, would you please share the link with your friends and family asking them to do the same? I don't mean to impose, but I desperately want to win! The contest ends on June 7th.

http://www.inkitt.com/stories/22483

I'd greatly appreciate your help.