Sparkatale

At first I found the formatting of this story slightly confusing, but I soon got used to it. I think this is a good first chapter, it’s very mysterious and this helps to draw readers in. It seems very creepy so far, but I like that :)

I’m curious as to what the MC means when they say that they’ve had multiple names and lives. At the moment I’m kind of imagining it to mean they’ve either got multiple personalities or some fantasy element that allows them to live multiple lives or they’re immortal… Either way, I’m curious to find out :D I’m not quite sure where this story is going, but I think that’s a good thing because it keeps me guessing. Good job so far :)

The story was my attempt at a horror-romance, so if you felt that creepy vibe, then I guess I'm doing something right, haha. I try to use the formatting to show the inner workings of Iggy; I'm glad it didn't turn out too hard to handle.

I have this impression that "rebirth" or a sort "immortality" concept is in the work here. I chuckled a little as I read his conversation with himself but it is nonetheless effective! I like how you built up this chapter. The character is intriguing. I see myself checking up on this work of yours in the future fairly regularly. Good job!

I didn't get much of a creepy vibe yet, possibly because I couldn't imagine myself in Stan's position as much. Nothing is wrong with the way you wrote it though. I actually like that you went for the second person perspective - not many people actually attempt to do that because it's hard to pull off. I think you managed to do it well.

That... was unexpected. I would act like Iggy if I were in that position. I couldn't find any mistakes so far, which is great. You probably reread your work before posting it online. Voice was amusing - I could tell how he and Iggy have different tastes despite being in the same body. Keep it up.

Unexpected? :D This is the point in the story where many people stop, scrunch up their faces and drop the rest of it. I'm glad that you weren't put off!

I'm not too sure, but perhaps you deliberately chose to capitalize some words even though they're in the middle of the sentence. If ever you did, then there's no problem. I found this, by the way: "Of all the question you could ask, why that one?" isn't it supposed to be "questions"? Overall, this chapter made me curious as to who Iggy was. Personally, I begin to think that maybe he/she did start out as a girl - a sort of child with some history of abuse? Or probably one that had a sort of "perfect" life who wants to know what suffering is like. Good job so far.

Yes, the capitalization is deliberate. But thanks for pointing out the typo on 'questions'. I try to keep my work error free but one or two do slip through now and then.

Either Iggy is denying his attraction for Ash, pretending to be calculating, just so Voice would shut up or he really has no idea on what he feels for the boy. That's the impression I get, anyway. I like it so far. I wonder what happens next.

That's the whole idea of ITCOYE - it's a DIY read! Readers can read or interpret Iggy as they please, as the 'innocent' predator or the lovestruck hunter or the cynical ghoul. Iggy isn't human anyway, so human rules don't necessarily apply to him/her/it. 

I really liked the information about Iggy’s race and their history. I like how you conveyed this information, although I did find it strange that he was telling Stan all this. I’m assuming he can do something to make him not remember (or he was simply too drunk to remember what happened). As for Ash, I don’t know maybe it’s because he hasn’t appeared much yet, but I didn’t really believe Iggy when he says that he craves for him. But then it is from Iggy’s perspective so he may not be right, I don’t know… :P Anyway, I think you built up the creepiness really well, and I’m looking forward to the next chapter.

The idea was that even if Stan told anyone about Iggy (which he can't do without compromising himself), nobody would believe him because it's just too fantastic. As for Ash, Iggy is able to read minds to a certain degree, so what Iggy is saying about Ash is a result of that 'eavesdropping'. Spoiler: the next chapter takes place mostly inside somebody's head.

For some reason, I find Iggy quite endearing :P His reactions to what was happening had me giggling… I see what you mean about Iggy being able to read thoughts, now. Miss Fanne reminds me of this creepy teacher I had in primary school. I bet she had disturbing thoughts in her head too, ugh. Luckily for me, I’ll never know XD I like how you managed to make this chapter both funny and creepy at the same time :P Or I don’t know, maybe I’m just weird for finding it funny…

I'm relieved that you find it funny, and rather happy too, since I was indeed aiming for a little humour in this chapter. I was more worried, though, that the intensity of the content would put people off, and I feel very reassured after reading your comment. Thank you!

Well, judging from this chapter I guess Iggy was a girl in his/her/it’s first life. It makes sense now why he said he preferred to use a male body, maybe using a female one stirs up memories or makes him feel uncomfortable even if he doesn’t remember his previous life… :P I’m slightly confused as to what the “dad” or “Awakener” did though… Do they just search for the darkest human souls and then awaken the creature (don’t know what else to call Iggy’s kind) in their soul?

Iggy's had multiple past lives, but he (we'll stick to that pronoun since he's in a male form) can't remember which one was the first and real live. My premise is that there is one of Iggy's kind in most if not all human beings - within the dark part of who they are, and they only need to be set free from the human host under the right conditions. The way Iggy's kind reproduce is when a mature one (a formless one) identifies a new member of the race and calls to it in the moment just after death. 

I was browsing through the comments and saw where you said you were going for a creepy feel, which I must say was certainly achieved here. The chapter does have a very creepy, eerie feel to it with enough mystery to keep the reader reading to the end. I liked how you told us very little- it kept us wandering.

The text in italics, which I assume are his thoughts, are a nice touch but as some times remove the sense of professionalism from the story. I get it is the thoughts of the character and it helps flesh them out and give us some insight to their personality, but some of the things didn't seem to really belong with the general tone of the rest of the chapter. Just me being picky, though!

Overall, I do like this. It's a promising start with enough mystery and intrigue to keep me want to reading. I'll see if I have enough time to review a few more chapters later tonight.

Yay, I did manage to sound a little creepy then! On the little things that don't quite fit, if it's in the dialogue (external or internal), then it might be because I'm not a native speaker of English, so I don't actually know how people talk 'naturally'. I speak all proper usually and you'd probably find me insufferably stuffy.

I forgot to mention this before, I like the childish tone of the Voice and to some extent Iggy as well. He sure is a master of manipulation. I felt kind of sorry for Ash, the poor guy must be confused XD I liked Iggy’s conversation with the Voice, he’s obviously in denial :3 Anyway, good chapter, I enjoyed it :)

I like how we learn more about Iggy’s kind and his previous lives, even if he can’t remember which was his original life. Iggy may not be human, but he seems to be feeling some human emotions :3 I like his jealousy.  I’m curious to see what he’ll do about this new girl, will he kill her or does she have some tricks up her sleeve :3. I notice his Voice isn’t there as often as before. Could that be suggesting he’s closer to losing his shell? I don’t know XD

I know this may not sound nice but I feel like there should be an intro before the crazy. You know set the scene a little.           

Here is what i experience as a reader.      

The beginning of reading this I like who is she talking to? Then it is explained that she talks to herself. She does the whole you do it to and i'm like, I may talk to myself but i don't have a two person conversation. Not normal. Guessing she as another personality there.           


And with this discovering and accepting of your main character I totally loose view of what's going on with the guy and I'm like wait how did we get here? great I have to go back and read it again.           


Putting so much work and thought into a book i just started reading makes me question whether I want to continue reading.

I guess you could say ITCOYE isn't a straightforward story, so probably it isn't everyone's cup of tea. The focus is on the psychological state of Iggy, or the supernatural state rather, so that's why it's written the way it is. Heads up: things get more intense after the first chapter, so...

I really like how you’ve portrayed Iggy’s conflicting feelings – I like how he’s happy to be the cause of so much pain and angst, but still he’s sad that he made Ash feel this way :P It seems like he’s beginning to feel all this human emotion that he’s unused to XD I noticed the voice appeared again once he’d been “smothered in light” – is that because he’s gotten further away from losing his shell? :P

I was very impressed by all the musical imagery and description in the bit when Iggy was inside Ash’s mind. It was really effective in conveying Ash’s emotions and dreams, and it’s so fun to read :P

 BTW, I like the pun in the title :P Puns are the best things ever.

I don’t know what Iggy is so worried about :P Obviously Ash is simply using her as a beard. But still, it was sad how he seems to think that he’s lost Ash forever. Even though he’s sort of evil, I feel sorry for him :P

A typo I noticed:

‘The first alternative appals me’. I’m assuming it’s meant to be ‘the first alternative appalls me’

Oh, that's a UK/US spelling thing. My spell check is set to UK English for some reason. Iggy is of course no longer human, but he was, once... so I dunno, maybe that makes him a lovable monster? 

That girl is crazy :P Although she hasn’t really appeared much in person, I’ll admit it was quite a shock to see her try and kill him out of the blue. It raises a question, though, about what would happen if Iggy’s shell got stabbed. I’m assuming he’d survive still, as he’s not human, but I don’t know maybe it would leave him stuck in the shell as it can’t move? Or maybe he’d just heal right away, or get a new shell, I don’t know. :P

Overall, I think you built the climax really well, I’m very interested to see how it all ends.

Yeah, humans are much scarier than Iggy. :P This was the chapter I was most worried about cause it had an action scene and I have a phobia of writing those. How'd I do?

Well, I think your action scene was good and flowed well, but honestly I don't think I'm that good at writing them myself so my opinion probably isn't that valid :P

I really like how you showed that the girl was a human, as it shows how the creatures like Iggy may be dark themselves but they’re nothing without the evilness humans can have :D I must admit from the moment Ash appeared in this chapter I realized he was about to die, although I didn’t realize he was one of Iggy’s kind and that he’d awaken them, that was a good twist :)

I really enjoyed this story, it’s different from what I usually read but in a good way. I think it’s very original, but as I said I don’t read much of the horror genre so I don’t know XD

One minor complaint, I don’t think Ash would be able to talk if he’d been stabbed in the throat. But then if he didn’t talk that part of the chapter would lose its effect, so I should stop whinging :P

I love chapter two !! It is easier to follow than chapter one. From reading this i can't help but wonder if you are a Dexter fan.

Yes, I AM a Dexter fan, but of the books not the TV series. I wasn't trying to do a Dexter here, though. I was just trying to show how Iggy isn't, well, human. 

With chapter three I'm back to not really knowing what is going on. It is sill very interesting though and I love the idea of seeing how another person sees you. I do wonder if you could do more with that.

I love the hole shell idea, and how the main character talks about herself like shes a parasite. I think that this story is progressing really slowly.

The last chapter was supposed to show how Voice (as the last remainder of whom Iggy used to be) is very different and distinct from who Iggy is now (he can't remember his origins). This chapter, I try to show what he is - something dark, born of human nature but not human anymore.

BTW Iggy is technically neither a she nor a he but an it but I use 'he' to refer to him because he is presently in a male form.

Wow His character has a strong "Girl" vibe to him. Everything I read screams girl.

I think I get it from his inner conversations. Both of his voices seems GIRL to me.

I liked this chapter but it feels like something is missing and I can't put together what.

Sounds like you created a being right out of a Supernatural episode or a Steven King story.. I did actually look over my shoulder once because it's dark and the heater made a weird noise. Curse the cold weather.

   Anyways, I found I didn't have nearly as much problem with the inner voice as last time. Honestly, I'm not even sure why it bothered me in the first chapter.

You have easily achieved and gone above the creepy goal you were searching for, hands down. Your writing style also assisted the material of the story in added creepiness- you have a certain poetic prose, and you know when to use descriptions and what words to use when. It's very nicely written. Overall, well done.

I'm captivated so far. I want to know more about what Iggy is. I will use 'he' as a personal pronoun since it seems like Iggy doesn't really have a permanent gender. 

I am also interested in learning about his age and back story. Like, where are his parents, if they raised him where did they go, if they didn't how did he find out what he was. Also, how do these creatures change bodies? 

I also really like The Voice. Not in a way that would mean I desire any interaction with it, but I do find it funny. 

I like where you are going so far with this. Though, I do find it a little confusing. Sometimes he is narrating, sometimes he is talking to himself, and sometimes he is talking to The Voice. The Voice is in italics, which is helpful. But, maybe you could put the parts where he is talking to The Voice in bold. 

I don't know if anyone else has had this issue. 

Also, you described Ash. But I don't remember too much about Iggy besides him being a kind of "good boy" type. Perhaps, you could expand on that if you don't already. 

Last meal before shedding Iggy? I doubt that! Haha, for me, Iggy really is feeling jealous because Ash seems into the girl. Iggy is pretty much growing to become the prey for me instead of Ash. I find Ash as the predator these days - he's definitely got Iggy on his toes. Good chapter!

I have this feeling that Iggy would sacrifice himself in the future for Ash's sake. As much as what he's doing is opposed to what I think his nature is, he's still doing it just because Ash is apparently going a little loco. I wonder if they'll really just disappear? Maybe there's hope somewhere that he'd be bound to Ash in the future. Well, I'll find out soon enough when I finish reading this story. I didn't spot any errors.

And the truth finally comes out. Honestly though, I have this feeling that it isn't as bad as he thinks it is. He doesn't really know Ash has to tell him yet. Maybe there's still hope (or maybe I'm the one hoping because this is getting cute). As usual, I haven't spotted a mistake on this chapter.

And the rivals face each other off. I get the feeling that maybe I was wrong in a previous comment of what I thought would come. Maybe Iggy wouldn't sacrifice himself. Maybe he'll win this and end up running away from what he thought would have been his. I like how this story is up to the reader to guess on what happens at the end. I personally think it could go either way right now. Good job!

I... I wasn't expecting that at all. I didn't think Ash would join his ranks - I only had the tiny idea that he wouldn't mind seeing the true Iggy! Well, this took me by surprise. Honestly though, Clare was creepy. She struck me as a psychopath and probably a potential serial killer. I could imagine their headlines if Iggy hadn't killed her: "Another man found dead in his bedroom - tied to his bed with sheets and blood soaking his clothes." Well... maybe she could have changed for the better? That girl knows how to wield a knife!

Overall, this was an interesting read with it's own twists and turns that I didn't see coming. I just hope that in Ash's future, he wouldn't have to go into battle with a berserk female, who perhaps would be a rebirth of a certain psychopath.