Sparkatale

Setting aside the few grammar errors and typos that could be seen in a few chapters of this story, Tales of the Apocalypse is a pretty solid read. It attempts to show the different view points of various characters at a dire situation where most people would probably call "hell on Earth". There are diverse personalities in this read that I'd think people could at least relate to or like even one. I personally liked three people in this work so far. It pretty much jumps from one view to another, so if you're not the type who likes to suddenly be taken away from a character, then this might not be for you, but I encourage you all the same to at least try reading a few chapters.

Hey! Thank you for the feedback.

I'm glad that you like this chapter to the point that you marked it as favorite. I'm also happy that the descriptions were all right with you, because before, I had trouble writing them. Hopefully I'll be consistent with it, if not better. Also, here's to hoping the future chapters go well with you too!

Hey, Danny! I'm here to fulfill my promise like I said I would. Right, let's get straight to the review.

First thing that I want to say here is that I felt there was an overuse of the following: "-","...", and "&". I understand what you mean to convey when you use them, but seeing them repeatedly tended to draw me out of the experience as I was reading. Aside from that, I learned that it sounds much more professional if you spell things out than using symbols which takes the place of the words, so I do suggest you use "and" rather than the ampersand.

Next, some sentences seemed awkwardly phrased to me. For example, if I recall correctly, when you used "what they were driving towards" you answered a process or fact rather than a concrete place they were driving to. Again, while I understand what you meant, I felt like there was a certain lack of consistency from time to time. In line with the comment on sentences, I feel like you could break some of them off so that they won't have be as long or held together by multiple ampersands.

Technical things aside, I do find this an interesting beginning to your novel. It does give this feel where utopia doesn't seem as great as it appears. Right now, I feel like I can visualize some possible future events, which I'm not sure is a good or bad thing for you, but I appreciate how I can see the world. It does seem odd, however, that they may bite into the agreement right away.

It is true that they've lost their son and want him back, but somehow, the description of Armando seemed almost... too indifferent for my taste. If I was the parent, I would have felt a little bit more cautious, especially when he said they used machines or machinery similar to those which replicated steel. Personally, I would've been much more inclined to continue following him if he stated they performed the test biologically. Seeing the clone may have helped, but not a lot. What evidence do I have to know that the clones "work" how they're supposed to work if it seems like he's the first one to volunteer himself? The guy's still being made in a tube! Reading further, however, I realized he did say there were previous experiments, which lead me to another question: why did he not show them these experiments too?

I understand the need to make a sale of sorts so that the idea will launch, but if he is as sympathetic or empathetic as he makes himself out to be, I would have liked to be given all the details than simply finding things out for myself in a contract. I mean, if I didn't check, then I'd be surprised if one day, when my son is sick, they're at the doorstep ready to take him away due to his "defect."

Also, it did seem strange to me at how quick the persona can shift from "I want him back" to "no, he's dead" back to "alright, we have to do this." You encapsulated her feelings and confusion well, it's just that it doesn't make much sense to me as a reader. I can't fully put myself in her position or feel her as she bounces from one end to the other. I feel like there may be a better way to built it all up near the end.

Lastly, I think this works better as Chapter 1 than a prologue. From what I've heard, people usually tend to skip these and head to the "start" because these supposedly may be squeezed in somehow to the "main narrative".

I like it, I just feel like there's more ways to improve how it's told. I feel like if you revise, the world becomes way more immersive than it currently is. Best of luck, Danny, and I promise to come back to read the succeeding chapters once I have the chance to do so!

It sucks, the feeling that you're suddenly an outsider to your own group of friends but it was understandable. Marena already said so herself - they were all just shocked because they didn't really think Shay would do that. I'm happy she's there for Shay. It would make everything a little less harder to deal with. Also, as for the truth that they would have been Carriers anyway, I think it would have probably been a little easier on them because their families would have been infected too. I don't think they'd have to run away at that time - at least I think so.

Anyway, I didn't spot anything wrong with this chapter. Great job!

I was honestly a little confused by the first sentence. Maybe "one" was supposed to be "she". I don't know. Also, there's this one that used "know" when I think you meant "now."

Well... I can't say I like how they reacted to Shay's actions, though I probably would have reacted the same as they did if I had to witness someone kill another. She sprung into action for their sakes - she's really intent on surviving this thing, whether or not her morality has to go down the drain. I just hope this doesn't make her bloodlust - which I think won't be the case but given her thinking right now... well, I wish the next batch of Carrier hunters good luck! A girl trained with a gun with be difficult to go up against - especially if you can't even touch her.

That, has got to suck... BIG TIME. Imagine the looks on their family members' faces! I could imagine mothers going crazy with some fathers wondering how to explain the situation to their other children. I really don't blame Shay for puking. That reaction from Marena too when she came to experience what Shay did - she can't really say people would just die no matter what now, can she? She understands the guilt now. I just wonder when everyone else accidentally infects other people.

Anyway, I found these: "She slid the paper forwards just as the man was reached forwards to drop a handful of change onto the countertop..." I think that the "was" isn't supposed to be there. "Time seems to pass quickly when one is zoning out of everything, must like the state Shay..." I guess "must" is a typo for "just". Then there was the part where you wrote "tiredd" than "tired" and a part where the period was replaced with a "/".

Wow. I definitely enjoyed reading this chapter - it made me see more of Shay's personality. She's struggling to keep her wits and still save every one of her friends. That's pretty awesome considering her age!

There are some places in this chapter I would personally put commas on, but that's just being me. Although, I did spot these: "Carson was still sitting shotgun beside her as he had been for two hours now, never once uttering a word." and "If you spot a group of eight teenagers, or a single young adult with odd rings around their pupils, run and report your local authorities immediately." For the first sentence, it was a little awkward for me to read, so maybe you could add words/revise it a little. For the second sentence, I think you're missing a word after "report". I believe you meant "report to".

Great job for this chapter though!

I don't think there are any mistakes in this chapter - good job! I like Marena's quick thinking. I was pretty scared at first - I thought the cops would be right behind them by the time she jumped down with the canister in hand. Good thing they weren't though. Shay's pretty shaken up right now, which I think is pretty normal considering it would be her first "kill" and probably first official step into being a sort of criminal for the police. Carson's gotten a little mature, or at least I think so. Good chapter.

This was really sweet! I'd just like to point out a few mistakes. First: “I can’t. I have to go to bed. I’ve got, um, an early start at work the tomorrow.” I think you didn't intend to put "the" there, but it could be me. Last: "They married right after they graduation." I think you meant "graduated" or "their" for this sentence.

I had the idea Francis was a ghost. I don't think anyone would just bust into an old man's home like that, haha. The description was great! I imagined the inside of the house and how it all turned to play. I'm amused Francis still acts human - or does he not know he's dead now? There are no errors I spotted. Great job!

All right... is this Sark's childhood home? I got a little confused when she thought of her family when the water was on. Anyway, I still like her character! She's really careful and aware of her surroundings. I don't think anyone would manage to bring her down easily. They'll have to go through hell before she gets caught.

Aside from that, here's a few corrections. "Sark had never been one to sew, but it could some in handy for repairs." I think you meant "come" than "some" and there was this sentence where you forgot to capitalize "Sark". Aside from that, everything else is pretty good.

Just a little correction first. I saw this: "For a moment everyone just looked at each other. Johnny pulled out the boxy black pistol but kept it pointed it at the ground." I don't think you noticed the "it" before pointed since it's a little awkward to read with pointed in between two "it".

I personally don't find the men all too suspicious as of now. They seem like high school delinquents except that they're adults. That's the impression I'm getting anyway. I want to see how Ben copes with this as well as the other people in the group.

Hi Samantha. I'm sorry this is reply is really late, but thank you for catching that mistake! I've fixed it now, though I haven't done anything yet for the latter observation. It'll come.

Thank you for correcting me in both Chapter 2 and Chapter 3! I didn't spot those when I read through it again before I posted it here. As for someone being a demon... we'll see! It could have been a terrified man's metaphor. We'll find out in future chapters.

Hi Dave. Thank you for catching those mistakes! I've just finished correcting them.

Alright, I'll start with a few things I spotted. In the first paragraph, last sentence, you accidentally put two punctuation marks, a comma and a period, together. Then when Shay and Cassie were talking, I think it's supposed to be "to" than "too". Somewhere in the middle, when something (I think it were bullets are before the grenade) was near her or passed her overhead, you used "she" when I think it was "her".

Anndd... Cassie is dead. Oh man. I don't think Noah would last that long either. I don't think there's any way the men would let him off alive. I even have this bad feeling that they might torture him in place of Shay because two of their men are wounded. I just hope this doesn't toy with their sanity that much.

A few quick observations. You had a typo somewhere when Shay saw her dad again when you typed "the," when I think you meant "them". Also, when you described how Noah went on a coughing fit, I think "bought" might have been "bout" instead. Those are the only two things I've noticed on this chapter.

I have a feeling that Cassie would end up running up to the officers, trying to dodge their bullets and infect them all and possibly take the bullet for anyone else in the group, especially when she sees Noah lying on the asphalt. I think that in the next chapter, I might see Cassie's good-bye. Fingers are crossed that she gets to live a little bit longer though!

Hey there. I'll point out some things I spotted first. Somewhere in the first part, when they were talking about the population, you accidentally wrote "million" instead of "billion". Then there's a typo near the end where you use "once" than "one". I know there's one more I spotted awhile ago that's somewhere in the middle but I can't seem to spot it right now. It was somewhere in the middle near a line that's italicized. I'll get back to you about it when I see it again.

That aside, I really like how you detail your work. I get to imagine the panic that's happening as well as the tension the main characters are feeling. It's well-thought out.

Wow. That has got to suck for Cassie. Knowing you have an ultimatum sucks - much more now that the doc had to clarify that she'd die before actually managing to spread the virus like wild fire. Poor Cassie.

Anyway, I found a few errors. The first one is in this sentence: "It was, well, not ready to be released when one of triggered infection." I think you missed a "you" here before the word "triggered". The second is this: "Although he was usually friendly, she’d found he could but just as ruthless with her words as she could." I'm not entirely sure, since I got a little confused with this line, but I think you meant something like "Although he was usually friendly, she’d found he could be just as ruthless with his words as she could."

That's it basically. I like how this chapter turned out. Shay and the others are terrified out of their wits - I know I would if I was in their position! And you made us see a little bit more of Carson and everyone else. Good job.

I... I wasn't expecting that at all. I didn't think Ash would join his ranks - I only had the tiny idea that he wouldn't mind seeing the true Iggy! Well, this took me by surprise. Honestly though, Clare was creepy. She struck me as a psychopath and probably a potential serial killer. I could imagine their headlines if Iggy hadn't killed her: "Another man found dead in his bedroom - tied to his bed with sheets and blood soaking his clothes." Well... maybe she could have changed for the better? That girl knows how to wield a knife!

Overall, this was an interesting read with it's own twists and turns that I didn't see coming. I just hope that in Ash's future, he wouldn't have to go into battle with a berserk female, who perhaps would be a rebirth of a certain psychopath.

And the rivals face each other off. I get the feeling that maybe I was wrong in a previous comment of what I thought would come. Maybe Iggy wouldn't sacrifice himself. Maybe he'll win this and end up running away from what he thought would have been his. I like how this story is up to the reader to guess on what happens at the end. I personally think it could go either way right now. Good job!

And the truth finally comes out. Honestly though, I have this feeling that it isn't as bad as he thinks it is. He doesn't really know Ash has to tell him yet. Maybe there's still hope (or maybe I'm the one hoping because this is getting cute). As usual, I haven't spotted a mistake on this chapter.

I have this feeling that Iggy would sacrifice himself in the future for Ash's sake. As much as what he's doing is opposed to what I think his nature is, he's still doing it just because Ash is apparently going a little loco. I wonder if they'll really just disappear? Maybe there's hope somewhere that he'd be bound to Ash in the future. Well, I'll find out soon enough when I finish reading this story. I didn't spot any errors.

Last meal before shedding Iggy? I doubt that! Haha, for me, Iggy really is feeling jealous because Ash seems into the girl. Iggy is pretty much growing to become the prey for me instead of Ash. I find Ash as the predator these days - he's definitely got Iggy on his toes. Good chapter!

I've spotted quite a few typos. To help you out, there's this sentence somewhere at the beginning that uses "meet" when I think you meant "met"; near the ending when she saw Brad kissing Amy, you used "their" when I think you meant "there". Then there's this sentence: "Though, it is not spot I had ever been before." I think you didn't notice the lack of "a". I would recommend you proof read this chapter, perhaps ask a friend to read over you work? I know that sometimes it's easy to miss because as the writers, we know what word we want next, so we might easily place in those words though they aren't written on the document. If you don't want a friend to read though, then I suggest you give yourself maybe a few hours break from the document before going back to it and read it from the top - it should be easier to spot mistakes by then.

That aside, I like how as a child, she was already aware of how people were treating her and her mother. Some people would generally tend to ignore these things, as far as I know anyway. She knows herself - that's she's changed and she knew why she did. This is a pretty good intro to this story.

I'm not sure but was Reggie bitten? Or was the pain just the hands of the zombie holding on to it's food? Anyway, I spotted two typos. The first was when Reggie was at the front door saying that it was him. The "it" was capitalized in that sentence when I don't think it should be. The second one was the word "bandana". Instead, what was written was "bandanna" with the second n. Aside from that, I haven't spotted much else. Good job so far.

That revenge wasn't exactly what I thought. I don't know... I was thinking she would actually do something worse to piss them off, but it seems Sark still has her principles despite what the group did to her. Overall, I like how sneaky she was. I could imagine the group waking up the next morning with a major hangover staring at the flames and notice how the equipment they stole weren't there. I see migraines in their future, haha.

So Omar went a little insane. I understand the other adults' point of view though - Omar was digging up their holes because he kept on ringing the big bell and that noise would attract the zombies. I was frustrated, somewhat, because I thought Omar would act like Margaret - sort of like a father figure to those still alive instead of having a break down. It's understandable though - when the world you know suddenly changed and that everyone that you've seen turned to the undead, then you would really want to be saved, even if you don't exactly know what to do.

I'm surprised he could sense how big the human was. Anyway, this was an interesting chapter. At least I know a zombie's perspective now for this story - trying to feed the hunger that can never be satiated. This reminds me of a Greek myth, except there, the man ended up eating himself when he couldn't sell his daughter anymore.

Phew! I was scared that those two would do something to Sark. I'm just glad the woman appeared when she did, even if they did take what she had. Well, at least Sark has something up her sleeves! She could really protect herself - heck, even with two guys trying to look cool, shivering behind her. I really want to see her in future chapters, along with Nurse Hall and maybe even Logan's team! I wonder if there's a chance of them meeting in the future?

 I spotted a punctuation mistake here: "These boys had lost so much already, and now this,". You probably pressed on the comma by mistake.

That has got to suck - losing a person you were already able to hold, even for just a little while. I don't think anyone would be able to live with that right away - I would feel bad for quite a while, anyway. I'm a little worried though. Based on my knowledge on pickers, if they don't take care of where they step, they might get cut by something in the trash and it could lead to infection and some, to death. I'm worried that since they were running, that maybe they didn't notice if they sustained any injuries. I just hope that if they survive the zombies, then no illness kills them off instead.

As for the last paragraph, it was cool how someone suddenly comes in to save the man who wanted to save others. What goes around, comes around? Haha.

 I found a type in this sentence: "Several of the zombies tok off after him, though a few stopped near the road, ..." where "took" is missing a letter. Also, I'm not sure if you did it purposely, but somewhere in the middle, the format is different. The line spacing seems bigger than the rest. It's the part where Johnny taps the zombies.

Aside from that, I initially thought Johnny self-sacrificed himself for the others. It's good to see he's still alive and that this group managed to stick together no matter how much of strangers they are to one another. I wonder if the description of the native flowers at the end of this chapter would describe this bunch. I wonder if they'll be able to survive on almost nothing and still be who they are at the end.

So, I found this: "He thought about being pulled down, unable to breath, unable to fight." I think you meant to use the word "breathe".

I found this chapter a little slow for my taste, but that's just my opinion. I get this feeling that if the zombies weren't going to get Jack, he'd have turned into a zombie in, say, eight to twelve hours because of how his vision was described towards the end.

I noticed that you forgot to capitalize a few names like Johnson's and Logan's name. Aside from that, I didn't find any other mistakes. I like how Vincent pretty much knows his stuff - I guess this is because he's a horror fan so he has more knowledge on how to deal with things like these. I'm glad to see Nurse Hall and the others are safe - good thing the others listened to her. Too bad for those zombies in their scrub suits though, I'm guessing those are the ones who didn't want to listen to Nurse Hall.

As for Johnson, I can understand his grief upon seeing a work buddy sprawled out like that, knowing he's going to be undead yet denying the truth. I think anyone would feel that way when they see someone they know in that kind of miserable condition. Then he's guilty and ashamed - which is fine. He's just human after all with his own pains and fears. Keep it up!

I wouldn't be surprised if Drummond suddenly comes back to grab and bite Vincent. It sucks finding out that you most likely are joining the horde you were initially trying to fight. On the other hand, I can see how this virus could wipe out the city. I wonder how Nurse Hall and the others are. By the way, what's PCP? I enjoy these hospital chapters. 

Nurse Hall is good at handling things - even though she was still unsure of what's happening, she knew very well things weren't how they were supposed to be. She tried saving whoever she could in the way she knew how. I hope I get to see more of her soon.

I don't think I saw any awkward sentences nor grammar mistakes. Good job. I like how the outbreak seemed to be a pandemic of the flu or strokes. I also like how the people don't immediately turn into the undead, since the usual things I notice these days with these types of stories is that the infection spreads rapidly - infected one minute to brain eating zombies the next. I enjoy reading this so far!

This is a pretty good opening, although it reminds me of a franchise I follow which is Resident Evil. I guess it's because the opening of Resident Evil: Degeneration and this is at an airport with the people panicking.

Anyway, I'm curious as to how Nils actually managed to bypass the security while he had the viral agent - then again, they may have passed it off as cologne like a detail here said (although I know liquids of any kind aren't allowed either). Then I found this: "He couldn’t something so deadly over to God-knows-who. " I found it a little awkward. I think a word is missing? Or perhaps I missed something. Also, I saw that you wrote "breath" whereas I think you meant "breathe".

Overall, you've written it well. I was able to feel something was wrong with Nils before you've exposed that he was infected. Keep it up!

I have this odd feeling that Alexander's family already knows who Allie is even if she changed her name to Elizabeth. The last few lines, especially the one about Sylvester, were the ones that made me suspicious. As to how you structured your sentences, I imagined the setting as somehow medieval/age of wars and revolutions, or the time when monarchs were at the peak since I found the language a little "formal" in a sense. Overall though, I don't think I spotted grammar mistakes in this chapter. Good job.

Just a few corrections first. I found this: "Welcome Sargent Smartass". The correct spelling should be "Sergeant". I also found this typo: "It was maybe ten feed wide and ten feet long, the ceiling of glass maybe nine feet above the floor." Instead of "feed" I believe you wanted to use "feet". Aside from that, I don't think I can point out other corrections that weren't already mentioned by a previous comment.

 

I like how you describe. I can really imagine the setting and the events taking place in my mind. The characters also had their own set of voices which makes it easier to know who is saying what. This is a strong beginning to your story. Initially, I thought it was pretty long, but the longer I read, I noticed I didn't mind. Keep up the good work!

Oh, no. Things like that barely put me off. It makes a read more interesting. I mean, it's quite possible that there are people like that. It is pretty uncommon that someone would use a those types of characters since there is a risk to turn off potential followers but it's that risk that could make people remember you as unique.

Either Iggy is denying his attraction for Ash, pretending to be calculating, just so Voice would shut up or he really has no idea on what he feels for the boy. That's the impression I get, anyway. I like it so far. I wonder what happens next.

I'm not too sure, but perhaps you deliberately chose to capitalize some words even though they're in the middle of the sentence. If ever you did, then there's no problem. I found this, by the way: "Of all the question you could ask, why that one?" isn't it supposed to be "questions"? Overall, this chapter made me curious as to who Iggy was. Personally, I begin to think that maybe he/she did start out as a girl - a sort of child with some history of abuse? Or probably one that had a sort of "perfect" life who wants to know what suffering is like. Good job so far.

That... was unexpected. I would act like Iggy if I were in that position. I couldn't find any mistakes so far, which is great. You probably reread your work before posting it online. Voice was amusing - I could tell how he and Iggy have different tastes despite being in the same body. Keep it up.

I didn't get much of a creepy vibe yet, possibly because I couldn't imagine myself in Stan's position as much. Nothing is wrong with the way you wrote it though. I actually like that you went for the second person perspective - not many people actually attempt to do that because it's hard to pull off. I think you managed to do it well.

Actually, I still don't have that much to say since it's still just the intro. I just noticed a typo in your first sentence which read "Dakota follows Quinn into another world. A savage world very differnt from ours." I believe it should have been "different" instead. So far so good. This story has taken my attention.

I have this impression that "rebirth" or a sort "immortality" concept is in the work here. I chuckled a little as I read his conversation with himself but it is nonetheless effective! I like how you built up this chapter. The character is intriguing. I see myself checking up on this work of yours in the future fairly regularly. Good job!

I'm a little confused here. Since when did Nessa know that the guy's name was Duncan? I might've missed something. Aside from that, I can see a few missing words, unless "Asylum" is actually a name of a place. I noticed a sentence somewhere with an extra "the" - you might want to check that out.

It's just a suggestion, but maybe you can add an extra line before every sentence that you indent? It just looks a little thick to me is all, but you don't have to do it. For this chapter, I'm curious as to how she knew his name, like I said earlier. Again, description was nice and I just think you should proofread your chapters more. As writers, we tend to overlook our mistakes since our brain knows which word should come next, hence we may have trouble spotting errors in one go. Maybe asking a friend to read would help. Keep writing!

Hi! From what I can see, there are some mistakes on punctuation. There's quite a few places I could spot that would need a comma and the like. There are some typos too, like "withim" and "infrotn". I also spotted sentence which used "plane" whereas I think you meant "plain". I see potential for Immortals - you just have to proofread your story for any mistakes. On the positive note, I like how you describe. I could imagine the sunset and feel some sympathy for Nessa. It's got to be hard seeing a loved one's grave. Overall, just be a little more careful. Continue writing!

Hi! Well, I personally found that their relationship moved on quickly - from strangers at the beginning to sweethearts at the end of the chapter. Also, I noticed there are a few punctuation and capitalization mistakes. I found this sentence as well: "It was described by every girl as the party of the century because it was held by Ash who was the apple of their eyes was." I think you didn't notice the previous was. All those aside, I think it's pretty realistic - how the characters are acting, especially since they're teens. It's pretty easy to relate to May as to how she acts around her crush and when he confessed to her.