Sparkatale

Your story is really good and it is the type of story I gravitate to. But with your story name and summary I didn't know it. Despite your cover both the name and the summary gave me the impression that this story would take place in our time period. The summary doesn't attract me at all and gives potential readers no clue what this story will be about. If you hadn't posted on Critique Me I would not have read this story braced on this summary.

Thanks so much! I know the summary kind of sucks. I hate writing them. And since if I write them, they are mainly for fictionpress. So, there is only like 180 characters allowed. I will try and write a better one. :) Thanks for the feedback. 

I really do find this one a lot better, the name is too. I do wonder if you have given me an ‘almost spoiler’.

Hey, I read your post! =)

Here's my humble opinion.

First of all, I love opening lines that throws you right into the action. Intriguing, suspense stuff. It really caught my attention, and will probably do the same to other readers!

I only noticed one or two comma splices (not including those meant to create effect) and a word that changed to past tense in the middle of the sentence. (Even though I usually don't read present tense a whole lot) A few misplaced semicolons or missing commas. (If you want, we can go through this and see if we're both on the same page!)

There are rules when punctuating dialogue in fiction I believe. Firstly, a comma should be used between the dialogue and the tag line.

"It's in my pocket," she told him. "Wait here."   (Note that the tag line is in lower case after a comma.)

Secondly, when a tag line interrupts a sentence, it should be set off by commas. "If you," she said, "would be so kind as to shut the *beep* up." (Not that the first letter of the second half is in lower case.)

If it's a new sentence, it should be upper case of course. "Don't move, assbag!" She pointed her gun at the man.

There are some other rules regarding other punctuation (question marks, exclamation marks, semicolons, dash etc) but those aren't relevant here. As long as they pertain the material within the quotation marks, it's fine.

Interior dialogue could be in italics to make it more clearly.

As I stated at first, I loved the opening. But as the story went on I started questioning some of the characters' decisions. I could never be sure if you intended it to be that way either, because you mentioned the problems yourself! (Guards wanting to move up in ranks, for instance.)

I wondered why Alexander could be so indulgent with her considering what she had done. My thought would be that thieves and starving/orphaned children were never really taken care of. I figured his first thoughts would go to his family and their safety first-hand, since she was a criminal. Stealing from the royal family no less. Why risk both his and his family's lives for a stranger?

But that was also kind of odd to me. Why would they go so far as to steal from the royal family? If there was such a shortage of food, why would the family let her in? Another hungry mouth to feed must be devastating for any family, as they didn't seem to be particularly wealthy either.

Showing such hospitality for a stranger during times like that (strengthened by the fact that her village was burnt down for no reason... cruel) would seem odd. But maybe that's their culture? I don't know.

Why would the Royal Assassin take such lengths as to chase a mere food thief across the borders? He was either well known (understandable, but maybe not the best for an assassin) or they had had a history, since she knew his name.(?)

A weird thing happened in chapter two when Alexander almost said her other name Allie instead of Ellie. Considering they had known each other for a while (even though he had been away) and that he only knew her real name from the wanted posters (if it's even in there?). I would only do that if I had known the person for a while, and then that person suddenly changed his/her name.

Was this intended? Like, I don't think they had met before, that became pretty obvious during their first meeting.

I did like the fact that Alexander came back worried and told her she had to leave. I figured he had been informed that she was still in the country or something? Or at least that they had gotten some clues about her whereabouts (I can understand though that stealing from the royal family is a huge crime here).

If everything I've mentioned so far is intentional, I'm eager to see what you have in store for us! And I'll also have to apologize. xD

The world still feels like a mystery to me, which is nice. There are lots of thing I'm curious about, and how it will unravel.

The writing is easy to follow, and I mentioned before why I had to stop a few times.

I'm sure many adventures awaits Ellie, and it seems like Alexander is planning on accompanying her for the time being. At least they 'shared' a laugh together. Eager to see what will happen next.  =)

Some of these are a result from the fact this is a collaboration. (I have approval from the other person I am writing with to post this, of course.) But, so when we changed between us sometimes we cut off things that the other person started. 

However! A lot of them, have a solution that involves her sister/sister's back story. That will come up later. So, we can fix them! Even though they are not intentional. (Though are too some extent cause we wanted the main character to seem kind of naive for not questioning these things herself.)

Thanks for letting me know. There were a couple I had caught already, others I hadn't and there are some issues like this that come later that I am aware of and trying to solve as many as I can before I post the next chapters on here.

Anyway, I don't know if I reviewed yours yet. I think I read something...but I will ASAP! :)

This was really hard to type on my phone. There should be an APP.