Sparkatale

This story is still in the begining stages but after only reading a few chapters I can already tell It is going to be an awesome read! I cant wait for the next chapter!

Tipical zombie story line. It is well thought out. For me it needs a bit more gore and emotion to realy pack a punch.

If you like the old origanal and dark fairytales this is the story for you.

This story has a strong start and I can't wait to read more.

I like this poem! It is a bit sad but well written. I also wish it was longer. Please write more poems like this.

This starts off farlly well, I think there is room for improvement. On a positive note I can tell that you have your own story here, and I don't feel like I am reading something I have read before.

This story is well thought out and the characters are fun.

This story needs a little work on its construction, but underlining story is cute.

Warning: this story is sad. Good, but sad.

Fun and humorous with a talking coon! This Is defiantly the best beginning I have read on this website! This will be a big one in no time!

This story is very well thought out, and the perspective of the story really brings the main character to life. I’m hooked and can’t wait to read more!

I wish you luck on writing your story. I can't wait to read it when you are finished.

I'm sorry but any child who grows up with a parent with an accent knows how to replicate it. My boyfriend's mother is Korean and I can replicate it now that I have known her for a few years. Her sons can replicate it no problem in a heart beat. It is harder to mimic an accent if you don't hear it very often, but he should have heard his father's all his life.

I'm starting to wish we saw the rest of the fight. I also don't understand why they aren't telling him what he needs to know about this new world straight up. Wasn't Chris the one trying to convince his father to tell him the truth? So why doesn't he tell him the real reason they need to hide?

I was inspired to make a Ylee after reading a manga called Qwan. In it there is a tiger with the head of a man that crys like a baby to lure victims. Qwan the main character explains that demons that sound like babies are man-eaters. I wanted my demon to be more of an animal.

Ylee tend to be solitary demons, but In my story the demons are gaining strength and behaving differently than normal. I might go in to it in ether this book or Quinn's.

Most of the creatures I developed on my own but a few where inspired. Like the Ylee or the Oree in chapter 8.

I want to show growth in her character she will start of a coward than she will gather courage and confidence as the story progresses.

In my mind they are all human just some have magical ability, I'll probably call them sorcerers. There will be a few races that have traveled to this world with the mirrors that aren't human but they will be a minority. I will introduces them later in the book. I haven't read Mortal Instruments but I'll try looking it up when I get the chance.

Oh, and be carful not to make paragraphs to long. It is imitating for a reader to see, and it is easier to lose where your at when reading.

Another good chapter. I am wondering if the world they came from was that dangerous, why didn't Ryder teach his kids how to defend themselves?

I really like this chapter and I don't think I would change a thing. I do wonder how old are Chris and Quinn? Is there a reason we haven't had a lot of interaction with his character so far? I get Quinn's personality but know nothing of Chris's. I also have a lot of other questions but hopefully those will be answered in the coming chapters.

Love this chapter we are introduced to a few mystery and I feel like the storyline is really beginning to move.

I like this chapter but also find it odd and I cant help but wonder how big of a piece it plays in the over all story line.

I'm happy to hear that you like my prorogue. I also don't take offense to the twilight comparison. The Twilight book are not particularly bad. They are by no means my favorite books, and they got more of a hype than I think was really deserved,but you cant deny that the books are good and her ideas where her own. 

You can find out by reading Quinn's Duty. Or you will find out after I get my next chapter out. I'm working on it now!

I find his family’s celebration for his birthday weird.   Sure he didn’t want a big party with strangers (as a book worm I am the same) but any mom would hold a small family party with presents and a B-day cake.

Also it says Quinn screamed at him over her pizza. Should she be screaming at the dinner table? I get that your trying to give a sense of her personality but somehow I find the wording odd.

I love Quinn’s Por favor bugging, she is starting to remind me of my sister.

If the strawberry chunks in my smoothie were shaped like a bird I would have sold it on e-bay LOL just joking!

I find it interesting how he dreams about magic, heroes and wishes for an adventure of his own but the smallest thing out of the ordinary and he freaks.

I’m assuming they are in our world now and not the same one as the intro. I am also guessing Quinn is Helen but see no reason for them to have changed her name.  I love the comment on Romeo and Juliet.  I don’t see how any tragedy can be seen as a good romance.

I don’t think it is realistic for a teenage guy to go to bed straight after dinner. You might want to find something for him to do like play video games or something before bed.

I kind of with this chapter was longer. I wanted a bit more setting the stage.This is party in a magic Kingdom right? What does it look like? What is the entertainment? I think it would be interesting to experience the party a little and meet a few fairies and other mystical creatures before the party is rudely interrupted by murderers.

 

Also it doesn't make sense to me how so many people can be killed in such a short amount of time without any use of magic. It reads like he got there only moments after is started but he doesn't meet any of the perpetrators and all of the blood has already left their bodys.

Oh, and please tell me if you like my new cover or my old cover better?

I rewrote two of my chapters and plan on altering more.

Talk about a strong start! I cant wait to read more.

I agree with Yidenia Jang, you should also add moments were she momentarily forgets that her family is gone. I also think you should show how hard and awkward it can be to suddenly live with another family, even if you have known them forever.

Wow, quite a few of your paragraphs are huge imitating masses! Not at all easy or encouraging to read!

Well if you need an opinion just PM me, and if you have free time check out my work. You don't need too it is just an offer.

It's not very scary, but i like it all the same. I think you could make this into a cute childrens book.

 

9) I keep waiting for the main character grieve over the loss of her family. It just doesn't seem to come across in the writing.

10) With her having 12 friends all I am getting is  their names with no sense of who they are. I am wondering if it would be easier for you to write about them. If there were less of them. (you only need a few good characters and make them awesome for a story to come alive.)

7) Shouldn't she be grieving more in this next chapter?

8) Also isn't the lovey-dovey relationship between her and Blake a bit much, Seeing as he only just asked her out? I would think it would be a bit more awkward.

A few suggestions for if you do you plan on rewriting this story.

1) Introduce the reader to the family more before killing them off. this will give the reader a similar sense of loss.

2) is it likely that the ones breaking the news to her about her family are are friends, rather than a hospital employee or police officers?

3) I think you should introduce her friends before the accident. This may cause story to flow better and make a bit more sense

4) Also consider your wording for when she finds out about her family. While it is not bad it feels too textbook.

5) You might want to consider changing the time of Blake's confession. (Who confesses to a girl after she finds out she's lost her family in a car accident? I understand almost using the girl he likes gives them courage to. but shouldn't he waits for her to grieve first and not take advantage of her during her weakest hour? )

6) Not having a sudden confession will also open with the flow of your story.

 

The peace of this moment

In the dead the night

The noise of a gentle rain outside

My thoughts float around my mind

Where will my life take me?

What does fate have in store?

In this moment I can believe it

That my dreams will come true

Just edited and now all of the Dylans are spelled the same.

I will work that out if i get my work published as it is I tell the readers that the words are Coldplay's and not my own.

It is a typical and organized start. I do wonder if is a bit too clean for a zombie story. I mean I usually have a problem reading gore, but this doesn't really bother me.  Yes, you talk about blood and missing body parts but the way it is written is to mater the fact.  I just don't feel any horror or suspense. 

 

Things you should think about:

Do acidic perfumes really smell so bad that it makes people want to puke?

Would this mixture work? I know someone who uses soapy water to get worms to rise, mind you she uses a lot of it, so this lady's "potion" should work right?

The definition of a potion is a mixture of liquids so she isn't really using false advertisement and if it works why cant she sell it?

Yes, people can make it themselves if they now the recipe. Yet I know a store that sells BLTs and I can make that my self and they aren't doing anything wrong by selling it.

 

I really do find this one a lot better, the name is too. I do wonder if you have given me an ‘almost spoiler’.

As far as Eirnin I will broach this topic at an appropriate time in a later chapter

You have to keep in mind the while she just joined the others ave been traveling for some time.

Your story is really good and it is the type of story I gravitate to. But with your story name and summary I didn't know it. Despite your cover both the name and the summary gave me the impression that this story would take place in our time period. The summary doesn't attract me at all and gives potential readers no clue what this story will be about. If you hadn't posted on Critique Me I would not have read this story braced on this summary.

I think I get it from his inner conversations. Both of his voices seems GIRL to me.

Wow His character has a strong "Girl" vibe to him. Everything I read screams girl.

I haven't the slightest Idea what is going on here but it is a good type of confusion because I want to know more!

Now I am loving this beginning! Although something tells me this is going to be a tragedy. I can't find a thing I would change.

I liked this chapter but it feels like something is missing and I can't put together what.

I like it. Did you mean two post it up twice?

I love the hole shell idea, and how the main character talks about herself like shes a parasite. I think that this story is progressing really slowly.

With chapter three I'm back to not really knowing what is going on. It is sill very interesting though and I love the idea of seeing how another person sees you. I do wonder if you could do more with that.

I love chapter two !! It is easier to follow than chapter one. From reading this i can't help but wonder if you are a Dexter fan.

This book needs a summery to lure people to it. I would also like to know more about where this story is headed.

 

Also you should really think about breaking up your huge paragraphs.  They are huge and imitating!

Over all the first chapter is well written and has a cool ending with the rats but I wonder where they went in the second chapter. It has me confused. I'm not sure if there is enough here to keep the average reader reading more.

I know this may not sound nice but I feel like there should be an intro before the crazy. You know set the scene a little.           

 

Here is what i experience as a reader.      

 

The beginning of reading this I like who is she talking to? Then it is explained that she talks to herself. She does the whole you do it to and i'm like, I may talk to myself but i don't have a two person conversation. Not normal. Guessing she as another personality there.           


And with this discovering and accepting of your main character I totally loose view of what's going on with the guy and I'm like wait how did we get here? great I have to go back and read it again.           


Putting so much work and thought into a book i just started reading makes me question whether I want to continue reading.

Although not the story line I typically look for this story seems well thought out and the characters are fun. I can't really  find anything I would change.

Thank-you for your Review Marcel Ryde.

 

Yes this is an original. It is also the second based in the same world. My other book is further along than this one if you want  to see a little of Talamh, although he will be traveling to another part of it.

 

No this will not be based off of the Crusades. I did chose Viva La Vida for the irony. As Quinn will become the "sword and shield" for the future king of Talamh.

I think you should consider more what writing perspective you are coming from.

 

I also think you should set the scene more, you story move so fast.It hard for me to describe but for some reason this doesn't capture me. Its like your telling me your story when I want to get lost an see it. You need to work on showing it more? not sure if that will make since to you or not.

I really like your story so far but really S.O.G.?? The Super Organization of Good? Is that really the best name you could come up with? I would seriously consider changing the name!

Your story was okay, it moves a bet to fast for me and I was a bet distracted by your word choice in the beginning. Do you know how much of your sentences of yours starts with they and this? Just saying . . .

I really think you should work on your summary. The one you have is way too vague.  

I like the concept of your story although it is a little darker than what I normally read. You really capture the old fairytale writing style.

The flow of the first couple paragraphs was a little choppy but the flow smoothed out as the story progressed. I think you should separate some of the bigger paragraphs into smaller ones to make them easier to read.

Well I not really sure what is going on, but I think that is your intention. I have to say the beginning is very exciting. I see nothing I would change in this chapter.

Another good beginning! The only thing I could suggest to improve it would be to give a bit more of a description of the elf village, just for curiosities sake.

I like this story so far. I'm not realy sure were your goining with it but I like that.

 

As for the weird girl. Im not sure if her character leaves enough of an impretion. Her part dosn't fit with the chapter, and not in a good way that stands out.

LOL Quinn will only apear in the first two chapters of this book. At the hall of mirrors where she finds herself into the other world he whent through a diferent mirror.

I wan't him to apear flawless in her eyes at first because she dosnt realy know Quinn she just watches him.

 

This book is about Kota's growth.

I plan the second book of this series to me of the same time span in his point of veiw. With this reader will learn about the true Quinn.

In my third book I will begin mixing their storys and begin their romance.

It a good thing you don’t have to write from experience isn’t it

I love your story so far. I'm not sure if i could change anything about it! I LOVE the covering his sent with dung part!! LOL Sorry I cant think of more to say but this is really good.

I love your story so far. I'm not sure if i could change anything about it! I LOVE the covering his sent with dung part!! LOL

Yes this could be fun. I work on those changes later.

You are being overly critical with yourself you must stop that!

I'll think about it but, for me my loud alarm clock makes every thing fade into the back ground, when I wake up all I want to do is shut it off. Should I have her wake from the dream first and have the alarm clock go of after she is already awake?

Ooo I like the

'My foot catches and for a few heartstopping moments I try to regain my balance.' part I think i will make that change.

Oh feel free to keep puting in you sugestions, I  can not promiseto use them but they could give me Ideas.

I find reading your versons of my story fun to read, but I will not be changing it. Your words for some reason don't fit my character as I see her in my mind. Somthing about them is to strong at this point of my story I see her as smart but weak.

I will consider your thoughts about listing in the details. I have a hard time with describing the physical descriptions of the main character. I can't promise I will change it but I try rewriting it a few ways and see what works best for me. As for her coming off a little mean, I kind of want that for my story. I don't want my character to be to perfect, I want her to be jealous, angry, manipulative, and judgmental from time to time. Not on an extreme level but enough for the reader to see she is human  with flaws, making human mistakes.

Sorry for confusing you but the preface Is the real start of the story.

Because It wasn't capturing the atention it needed and I didn't know how to change it. I made this intro to hopefuly captrue readers and warn of copycats. The 'T.V. is actuly a preveiw of chapter two.

There should be a Warning label on stories this sad!!

 

Your story is well written and I don’t see anything you need to do to improve it.

 (Besides a happy ending)

 

As good as this is I don’t like it. God, I hate sad stories!

Love the sibling relationship, but I don’t find your first few chapter particularly interesting.It is amusing yes, but I am not really excited with it.

 

I’m not sure how you would fix this or even if you should. I had a hard time with the first few chapters of Harry Potter to but it worked for the story and the rest of the book was awesome

You could expand this and use more detals regarding smell, pain, sounds to make this story to come to life. But I'm not sure I want it more real.

This story comes close to home to me, my great grandma lived in germany during the war and her sister was killed by a right in front of her during a bomb raid.

I think some things don't need to be too realistic and storys like this are one of them,

Loving the raccoon! So far your story is awesome! I do not love the main character to the same extent as the coon but really who can beat a talking animal?

 

So far I can’t think of anything you need to do improve. Your characters are coming to life to me. Your beginning captures attention and is well thought out. You have lively details and fun ideas.

 

With these three chapters you are hitting the nail on the head for me! I can’t wait to read your next chapter!

Wow, depressing!! Is this story complete? You have in progress marked on your page but the “The End” at the end of your chapter leads me to believe it is complete.

 

 I think this story could use a bit more impact at the beginning. If this was a meal it is PB&J with a baked Alaska.  The PB&J is good but it doesn’t really leave an impact.

 

You should start off with the event that led to this depressive episode. Not looking back on the event, but with it happening and then move on to this.

Just my thoughts

Wow, you are depressing aren't you. I think you write well but your subject matter is not my cup of tea.

 

To improve your writing you should cut this down in smaller paragraphs so it is easier to process.

 

Also a lot of your words are vague; you should add more specific details and colors, smells, noises to really bring this to life.

I like your first chapter, and your concept. Hope I get to read the next chapter soon!

It's a really good start, I look forward to reading the next chapter.

What a powerfull and sad beginning I can't wait for the next chapter!

Well theng arn't looking good for the royal family of Jorhdyn. Cant wait to read the next chapter.

Wow, this is good! I hope she escapes, because It doesn't look good for her. Can't help but wonder if her dad payed the ransom.

I hope you write more chapters, I can already tell I'm going to like your story!

I'm gessing Areeva is from our world. The begining could be a bit more exciting but over all I like it and look forward to the next chapter.

I like your story a lot so far. I cant wait to see what you post next!

I like your Idea and hope you keep with it! I would love to read more.