Status: In Progress
Summary:
Created: December 6, 2013 | Updated: February 12, 2014
Genre : Adventure
Language : English
Reviews: 4 | Rating:
Favorites: 4
Reads: 1782
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Reviews (4)
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Sometimes a bit difficult to read, but overall it's a decent story with a clear plot and nice characters.
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December 21, 2013 Flag
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It's a pretty decent story so far. The first chapter is good and has some solid characterization. The second chapter introduces us to a lot of minor characters - wondering what role all those people will play in the story. Of course, time will tell. Good start overall.
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December 14, 2013 Flag
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Okay, I'm liking this so far. It seems 'manly' enough, and it's not quite difficult to write in the feel of the opposite sex. I've written several stories at a young age and current, that take place from a female POV It's more or less the was the character thinks, men tend to make more rash decisions, and believe things way off a scale. Women tend to be a bit ore logical and slow down to think things over. In my character Christines case, she dosen't believe that she can see the dead, even after proof of it. P.s I found the rating button!
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December 9, 2013 Flag
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Omg! This is so sad. :( Is this an original piece of writing or based on something? Either way, its a brilliantly written first chapter which clearly tells you what the characters are like :D I only have one other question: Is this based on the Crusades? I'm currently learning about them in my History class & you mentioned Jerusalem which was an important place in the time of the crusades.
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December 7, 2013 Flag
Comments / Critiques
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Thank-you for your Review Marcel Ryde.
Yes this is an original. It is also the second based in the same world. My other book is further along than this one if you want to see a little of Talamh, although he will be traveling to another part of it.
No this will not be based off of the Crusades. I did chose Viva La Vida for the irony. As Quinn will become the "sword and shield" for the future king of Talamh.
December 7, 2013 | Heather O'toole /Davies
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You made a point to mention that you had done what they call a "poor man's copyright" to protect your work. Are you aware that the Coldplay song lyrics you used are also protected by copyright? It's illegal to use them without permission.
December 14, 2013 | Dave Robertson
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I will work that out if i get my work published as it is I tell the readers that the words are Coldplay's and not my own.
December 15, 2013 | Heather O'toole /Davies
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Just edited and now all of the Dylans are spelled the same.
December 16, 2013 | Heather O'toole /Davies
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Chapter: 3 Reply
The summary at the beginning of the background information is efficient, but it sounds rather impersonal to me. It’d have been nice if you could have presented it as a conversation between Alastar and Quinn, and describe Quinn’s reactions to the information that he’s given. Would it be a ‘duh?’ or a ‘wicked!’? I like Quinn’s warm relationship with his mother – it’s a nice change from the angsty interaction that you get between teenagers and their parents in many stories.
In your introduction you said that this story can be read together with Tripped. Well, I’m doing that, and I have to tell you that I had an ‘almost spoiler’ moment – the bit in Tripped when Dakota finds out about the prince of Talamh is exactly what the beginning of this chapter is about. It wasn’t a major issue in this instance, but probably you should bear in mind that if you’re running both stories at the same time, you have to be extra careful with the spoilers.
Editing:
- why am I up at five (missing ‘I’)
- a simple white apron. Her blond hair (run-on sentences)
PS I like Coldplay.
December 10, 2013 | I hear stories in my head
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Chapter: 3 Reply
Whoopsie, I think I attached both comments to the same chapter. Sorry, I'm not very techy. Anyway, the last comment was for chp 1, this one below is for chp 2.
The remark on the benefits of being popular – I found it funny; way to go, Captain Obvious! I actually like reading the two stories side by side – it’s interesting to see this scene from Quinn’s POV after reading it from Dakota’s. I write from the perspective of a male character sometimes (except nearly all my stories are in the first person), so it’s interesting for me to see how someone else approaches it.
When I have more information about Quinn, his reaction of getting mad over the year book photo doesn’t seem so arrogant anymore (which was what I felt the first time round). That goes to show how important it is for a character to be fully developed so that the reader can interpret him/her better. Of course I also realise that Quinn’s story will separate from Dakota’s after the next chapter cause he is presumably not going to get captured by slavers, but while it lasts, it’s a fun read!
Editing:
- feel arms wrap around me from behind
- How many times do I have to tell her
- Brittney whined
- those were the most miserable
- Her plan is obvious to me
- Loren, one of Brittney’s friends
... Sorry, there were more but I stopped after this one, cause I wanted to concentrate on the story.
December 10, 2013 | I hear stories in my head
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As far as corrections, the other reader caught most of them except that you spell one person's name Dilan, Dillan and Dylan in different places.
December 14, 2013 | Dave Robertson
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Chapter: 2 Reply
I’ve never really seen Quinn used as a boy’s name before, so I keep thinking he’s a girl and getting confused XD Oh well, I’ll get used to it :P Anyway, good first chapter. I’m curious to find out what happened to Quinn’s father, or why he left. Also, I hope once Quinn goes to Talamh he meets his uncle, I want to see what he is like.
“BOOMB and now my life will never be the same.” I think there’s an extra b on the end of boom.
December 18, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton
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Chapter: 3 Reply
Interesting chapter. I felt sorry for Kota at the end. Hmmm, I wonder what sort of martial arts Quinn uses. I learn martial arts myself, so I’m curious about these things :P
Here’s some editing things I picked up:
‘“Oh, come on Britt when will you ever take the hint?” Dylan Asks her.’ The “Asks” should not be capitalized.
“I follow him gabbing myself some pepperoni pizza to eat,” Missing r in grabbing
“I look at Britt and see her weal turning.” Wheel not weal
Also, there were a few times in this chapter where “martial” was spelt as “marshal”
December 18, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton
