Sparkatale

Something I noticed first off- When you end a section of dialog you don't put a period or comma. Even if it is not the technical end of the sentence it is the end of the character speaking, so make sure to have those.

'I hope this all goes she plan' Was this her thought process? And I'm assuming she was not the correct word to be there. Or did you mean planned? It would become grammatically correct then.

Note- whenever a new speaker is speaking there should be a new paragraph. You seem to have done this most of the time but I think I found one occurrence where there should be a new paragraph, as she speaks aloud-

Once she had finished her meal, she made her way to her bedroom. Her eyes glanced over to the backpack that she was about the prepare. 'I hope this all goes she plan'. She crouched down and pulled it towards her. Everything she thought she would need was stashed away under her bed. She crawled towards her bed and lay down on her stomach, careful not to make a noise in case the others became suspicious. She felt around until her hands brushed against a box. 'Ah-ha!' She dragged the box from out under the bed. Opening the box, she ticked off each item in her head. 'Wire cutters, check. Water, check. Torch, check. Jacket, check. Okay, that's it' She smirked as she placed them all in the backpack.

I'd start a new paragraph where she exclaimed "Ah-ha!"

As for writing style, I think it could be smoothed out with a beta reader. It's often a choppy and rough pace, especially with the lack of punctuation after speech. It kept distracting me from the text. There's several minor grammatical errors and overall voice of the story that I do think a beta reader, or just heavy editing could nip in the bud. If you'd like me to I suppose I could read it over, but I'm in the midst of editing my own work. PM me about it.

The ending was a nice cliffhanger although I hardly knew she'd been transported to the other world at all. Maybe add in a little more description, not tell, but show the reader she's been teleported to another world.

I'd also reccommend smoothing out the dialog, as although I liked the interactions with the characters some of the things they said read awkwardly. It's too early for anything to be OOC so it just felt awkward and choppy, if you see what I'm saying. Most of the issues I had with this text is the flow, and, as I said, it can be corrected easily.

Overall I do think that with some hard editing this can be turned into a really strong piece. A lot of times first drafts are rough, it's perfectly fine to require editing. I've edited every chapter of my work so many times and rewritten just as many! It's too early for me to really get a sense of the characters and setting and decide if I like it or not, but the summary does have promise in it.

Punctuation is not my strong point so thank you for pointing out the mistake. I appreciate it. It was supposed to be her thought process but I am unsure as to how to write it in. I also have no idea how I wrote she instead of to. I suppose it's one of those things you don't notice when you read your own writing. As I read it back, I do notice there is a lack of description for the world she is in now.

As for the block of text. I hadn't actually noticed how large it is until now. I will read it over and see what can be changed in terms of the dialog, If I'm honest, I was expecting a lot more to be wrong with it as it is my first big project.

For a first big project this was actually pretty good.

Punctuation can be difficult to grasp at first, so I'll remember to point out errors when I see them. ^^

Watch the paragraph size, the first one was a massive block of text. Remember what I said about new speaker, too. That would certainly help cut that monster in half.

"She slowly brought her right knee to her chest. As she felt it gently collide with her chest, a sigh escaped her lips." use of chest twice so close sounds slightly repetitive.

After reading this chapter I was thrown off by how large the text seemed and the lack of paragraphs. There seemed to be some, yes, but for the most part I felt like I was reading one big block of text. It was hard to find my place if I looked away from the screen for a few moments.

The descriptions were very, very nice. You've done a nice job setting the foundation for the world Sophie's found herself in. That was certainly my favorite part of this chapter.

As like last time my main complaints are the choppiness, no punctuation after speaker and kind of amateur tone to the writing. God, saying amateur tone sounded harsh as hell. Don't take it like that because I'm not saying the writing is bad. You have good descriptions and a pretty strong use of words but the choppiness hinders it's overall appeal. This is nothing editing can't fix though, don't worry!

I will read that part again to see where it can be chopped up into smaller parts. My paragraphs never seem so large as I type it up. I guess I don't notice while I'm too busy thinking. Those two lines do seem rather repetitive now that you have pointed it out to me. I will fix that.

Again, punctuation isn't my strong point but I doubt it will be so bad as I progress and learn. You telling me what is wrong with my punctuation really helps me to learn so I thank you.

I also forgot to mention Sophie's inner turmoil was done very well. You could really sense her panic and fright as she wondered if they'd ever come for her.