Sparkatale

That was a beautiful, tragic read! I loved your use of words, and the phrases of oblivion and pain that you used to symbolize the people's dissipating hope. You captured the mood and world perfectly, and in so few words. A great piece that many should read.

Hey, my school computer won't let me view the next chapter. :/ I don't really understand why. It blocks it for profanity... But then, I can get to the other ones just fine. *sigh* I saw your story on FictionPress, do you think I could review that chapter on that site, and then read the rest over here, unless there's another blocked chapter? (Because the school computer likes FP and doesn't block random pages like it does on Sparkatale..)

Haha, finally I made somebody laugh XD Although it wasn't quite intended in this chapter... whoops. And yeah, I'll review again soon! So sorry for taking so long. 

I was wondering how many people would notice my obsession with A names in this story. Actually, all of the names were given to me in a strange nightmare-ish like dream that happened while I was awake, so my mind probably just planned it that way. Fun Fact: Anton's name is short for Antonio, which means Flower.

Hope you enjoy the chapters that are to come. And thank you thank you thank you for your critiques and comments. I feel bad for taking so long to get mine out to you... I'll try and get some more reading done tomorrow!

The replied are kind of... sporatic. Sorry. I keep getting points placed in the wrong comments. Whoops.

Anyways, yeah, RPG's do have a big part in the plot. You'll find that out in chapter 12 or 13. I forgot which chapter I put the big reveal in.

A lot of people comment on how I did the thief's POV... Maybe I should just change it, haha. It might make the chapters a little more enjoyable. I guess I just had it like that to hide whether the thief was good or bad. 

I'm glad to know that it was somewhat amusing, though I'm sorry about the confusion. The thief just has a way of making everything difficult to understand for the reader. Once I'm done with this draft, I'll go over it and make sure to have it be easier to understand.

And about Ada and Rosalie... I can see your point. I guess that will be another thing to go over when I re-write.

Thanks for yet another comment!

I actually just redid the prologue, as it was written quite a while ago. I'm not really sure which one is better, but it's nice to know that the idea was at least interesting. Thank you for your critique!

Ee! Finally, chapter 3.

Be careful with your use of commas. There are quite a few places where you don’t need them, and where it makes a few of the sentences choppy. Read the sentences out loud, pausing whenever you see a comma. That’s what my mom told me to do to help with pauses and all that grammatical stuff that nobody likes to do, haha.

Aw, the poor Duke, haha. Doesn’t know what’s wrong with his very, very confused daughter.

Have I told you that your descriptions are magnificent? Probably, but I have to bring it up again! The way you described the castle was amazing, and I could tell that it was beautifully structured. You seem to have a good idea of what the middle ages was like, which is nice. A lot of medieval stories that I’ve read prove that that author has no clue what they’re talking about, and I love how you actually know the terms and styles.

“The doctor said, that I should visit places, so the walk will be good for my health.” – I think you’re getting ahead of yourself here. I don’t remember the doctor saying anything of the like; just that praying was all they could do. Maybe you could go back and fix that a little bit. Or, if you’re using the words to confuse Hilda, then maybe you could make the fact more noticeable.

You know, I’ve kind of been wondering. Is there a Medieval version of her oh-so-talented sister? Hm… Sounds like a good thing to figure out. All the mysteries, all the cliffhangers. You won’t ever let me stop reading, will you?

Oh no! The mirror! You better find a good way to get May back.

Ooh, now we’re back at Baltimore… Heh, I wonder how the princess is fairing.

Oh. Well, that certainly answers that little musing. Now Hailey has to deal with being called a simpleton, and with a spoiled princess that isn’t allowed outside of the castle for fear that dirt will get on her dress. I’m not sure who I feel bad for! 

Your update of 20 something chapters made me feel bad for taking so long to review. So, here's another critique, and I hope to post a second and third soon, to make up for my absence. If the school would actually let me submit stuff on this website, then you might get more comments from me...

Oh, I like the change from chapter 1 to chapter 2. I like your use of emotions in the beginning of this chapter, and the way you described her panic was great. And now that you're putting in some more of your character's thoughts, I've found the read to be quite a bit more likeable than the last chapter! I feel that this story is one that improves the further you go into it, so it's definitely going to be hard to resist to read the rest of the chapters.

Aw, if only May got her wish – for everything to be a TV show and all that.

“If they wanted her to be a Lady, then she would act like one, why not, it’s not like she got to be on a prank show every day.” - This should probably be two separate sentences, with the second one ending with a question mark.

Ohmigosh! What a terrible ending to this chapter! What a surprise to May; it wasn't a show at all... But definitely a good hook, now I really want to read chapter 3! It seems like the plot is moving along well, and I wonder where it's going to lead... Jeez, why didn't I finish the chapter sooner? *shakes head* Ah well, I can read the next chappie now and figure out what's going to happen next.  

The start of chapter one was perhaps a tad bland, but overall the mother's personality really brought me in. She reminds me a bit of my own mom, so it was a nice connection to the characters.

There were a few areas where you forgot a necessary 'the'. Not super important to know about, but it would definitely make a couple of your sentence's flow better. By the way, I love your descriptions! I think I mentioned that before, but I can't quite remember. The way you write them is beautiful and smoothe, and it's very easy to get the picture of your characters and their personality. Although a lot of people would say that this chapter has perhaps too much description in it, I feel that it fits your writing style and that having so much in there really adds on to your work.

Ooh, I really liked that part with the mirror! I wonder where her father found such a strange thing. It's unique, what had happened. I can't believe Hailey was right about it! Or, at least, I think she was. Tehe, what if the description was wrong, and it just messed with their hair. That'd be something worth comedy, but I have a feeling that this is going to be a more serious type story.

Hm. I like how you wrote out the Lady's POV and her discovery of the mirror. It was nice to see a little bit of what May has to look for in the near future!

This was a good first chapter, and the ending was terrific. I like how quickly you brought the plot into the story, and I hope this fast pace continues. It really makes the story enjoyable, and I can't wait to find out what happens in the next chapter!  

I love your descriptions! They were wonderful, and they gave you a good sense of the surroundings. And your names are very unique, for both the people and the town!

Your prologue was written very well, and I enjoyed it! You captured me with your words and your world’s history, and I can tell that this is going to be a story that I will love, even though I’ve only read the prologue. Your ending sentence sent a shiver down my spine. I’m worried about what will happen to the town – or, I guess what had happened…

I hope this mood you’ve set will continue on throughout the story! I’ve always been fond of tales that are slightly dark and tragic, like this one seems to be so far.

Oh, though, be careful when you say ‘towards’. I almost all of the published books I’ve read, they always drop the ‘s’. I know this sounds kind of stupid, but it’s more professional if you leave off that s at the end. Unless you’re saying it in dialogue, then you can leave the s on, because nobody has perfect grammar when they speak.

Well… here’s a small mistake I saw while reading the prologue. :)

“I was here before, I know all the answers for the questions you wished to ask me during the entire voyage.” – Between before and I, where the comma is, it should be either a dash or a semicolon.

Anyways, I really like this so far! Hopefully I’ll get the time to review more than once or twice a week… It’ll be sad if I can’t. You won’t get critiques, and I won’t be able to read an awesome story. School, please don’t block SparkaTale! 

After reading chapter one, I realized that I love your description of hell so far, haha. The molten river does have a sense of beauty in it. Though, where did that guy get the smokes? Seems like it would be hard to find one of the afterlife... Anyways! I think I'm gonna continue this, as it seems to have an interesting concept, and the mystery in your story so far makes me wonder what's going to happen next. Though, one thing I would like to point out, is that maybe you could add in a little bit of emotion. Is Leah scared? Does she recognize the guy, and is that why she could talk to him so easily and believe him? Other than that, this was truly brilliant. You've got yourself a follower!

I really like how you've set up your world in the first chapter! Very easy to understand and enjoy, and you didn't go and info dump your readers. The world is still left in a bit of mystery, and I love how you did that! Truly beautiful. You've found yourself a follower!