Sparkatale

You have a good short story there. Its a shame the small grammar mistakes and repetition of words spoils it a little. I'm sure it wouldn't take long to edit them out. Your descriptive work is great. However, to the end of the story there is a little confusion as to what was being conveyed. Well done though. I hope you write some more about this character, how did she get like that? And what happens to her after this story? xXSXx

Hi, Im new to the site and added my review to the comments by mistake! So here it is again with a rating too. Very poetic. Love the description and passion that comes out in the wording. It’s a shame it’s a complete work as there could possibly be more. But, I do see that’s the point. Hope to read some more of your work soon xXSXx

Yes it does but the formatting doesn't always transfer! 

yeah I agree, not being able to pinpoint stuff is a pain in the ass.

POV, there are ~~~ those, when I swap or should be, some of them got lost when I copied the chapters over. However, thanks for pointing it out as it is one of my downfalls. 

The dialogue is very flamboyant but fitting with the time. I sense an excitement between the men, the impending hunt is on the horizon. 

I am struggling reading the chunks of dialogue but  it's because its all perfect.... too perfect, I feel like adding a 'tallyhoo, old man!' to the end. Read your dialogue out loud. Yes, theres are a bunch of educated men but I do feel a little personalisation to the dialogue would help identify characters. 

A good prorogue, which leads the reader though interesting statistics and ideas to an invitation to open your mind and read on. However, the flow was a little stunted by the commentary style used in a few of the paragraphs.   

A great intro and good back ground. Love the descriptions too. However, I was always taught not to put 'and' and 'but' in a sentence after a comer. Yet, when I've sent my work in to different editors, some have said no, some have said yes!! It's dam confusing. I personally do not do it and find the use of it a little messy. I'm going to do more research on that one ;) 

I love the whole werewolf genre and shifters but I like the romantic idea that they are either human or animal, not a Hollywood version with lots of teeth, drool and ripping flesh. It will be interesting to find out which way yours goes. 

A very mysterious beginning to the book and good introduction to the main character. There is enough information to hint to the reader that she has run away from her past . All the while, you let the reader want for more information.

The story flows well and the dialogue is well written. I look forward to reading the next chapter. 

A good introduction to a strange world and to Ramiel. Not the usual poor little rich kid story though, which is good. I enjoyed the fast pace of this chapter. The dialogue is good and tagged sufficiently. Looking forward to the next chapter

More good imagery, the castle and its workings, and the people are all clearly  planted in my head now. Having those closest to May think she has lost her memory is an interesting twist to the chapter.

It’s good how you have Hailey understanding what has happened quicker than May. From Maewyn’s reaction, I guess she expects to be treated like the lady she is? Don’t know much of her character yet so looking forward to getting to know her, and hopefully hearing more of Hailey.

Your character building is well done. There is plenty of information without over loading the readers.  You close the chapter with a conclusion, such as May realising she isn’t at home anymore and not dreaming. Yet  you leave enough hanging to lead into the next chapter.

Looking forward to the next chapter. 

A very good introduction to May being in another ‘place’ I like how she thinks it’s some strange reality show and was expecting someone to jump out and hand her a prize.

The description of the garden and the bed chamber is well written and enjoyable to read. The imagery has the reader walking through the garden with May.

There are a few grammar errors and typos that a re-reading should find. 

Hay there,

I thought I’d commented on this chapter once but I can’t find it in the comments? So in case I didn’t really review this chapter, I will give another brief outline of what I said.

I enjoyed the storyline; it is a good beginning and introduces your main characters well. There is just a hint that this is pack life I am reading about, it’s the right amount of mystery.

However, your paragraphs are huge! Think about cutting them down, there is a little repetition on the story line but not too much. So it’s not about getting rid of information, its about spreading it out into bite sizes instead of huge mouthfuls.

I am looking forward to the next chapter, so keep up the good work. Here’s a few things I do to help me.

• Read your own work out loud – even get someone to follow the words, often you will read what should be written not what is written.
• Read and re-read before posting, each time you do I bet there is at least one thing you find out of place, whether it be a missing comer or misspetl word due to a typo, it will be there. (Yes I did that on purpose)
• Get someone else to proof read for you. I’m lucky to have three daughters, two read the story line, and one checks my grammar and stuff.
• And last but most important, enjoy your own work. If you feel it getting you down, step away and have a rest, do something else, like read a different genre.  

xXSXx

A very good opening chapter and not what I expected after the prologue, but all good. What mean parents! I really feel for May, being ignored by her family and having to watch her younger sister being the centre of attention. You have some good lines in there that show the relationships around the family. Mean mum, cowering father, brat sister and quiet daughter. At the end you really do have me feeling as though they wouldn’t miss her at all and any life is better than the one she has.

The transition between both sides of the mirror goes well and flow. I can hardly wait to see what May thinks about marrying a lord, once she has woken. I do hope we follow Lady Meawyn as well as May. Looking forward to the next chapter.

Here is a list of little nitpicking that I spotted. It’s by no means meant to be judgmental as I make lots of the same mistakes. I do have one tip. Try reading your work out loud and only read what you have written, it’s very easy to read what you know should be there and not what really is. I get my daughter to read with me, we take it in turns to read out loud, and check for mistakes. Hope you found this helpful.

“I apologize for living” and rushed to collect the package. – Missing comer

May winded, hearing her mother’s furious scream – winded? The word doesn’t seem to fit.

Why did you buy so much antiques! – buy so many - would fit better.

Her gaze slid over her husband and Hailey who was looking like an angel right now to stop on the one person who escaped her attention this morning – you may went to reconsider the punctuation in this bit, it doesn’t flow very well and I had to read it a few times to get it.

as a vision of grim future flashed in her mind – a grim future?

Hailey was the pride and joy of their family, and May was the other one, always second best. – That’s good, short but a very potent point.

Nancy Lawson planted kisses on Hailey’s both cheeks – planted kisses on both of Hailey’s cheeks.

not only it consumed over half of family’s earnings – not only did it consumed over half of family’s earnings

May looked at her sharply and grabbed Hailey’s shoulder when the younger girl was about. About to what?

a week without dinners versus an hour of effort raging in her mind.  - a week without dinners versus an hour of effort, raging in her mind.

The both girls were unpacking – Both the girls?

The weapon was orange from rust, the elaborate decorative pattern was barely visible now. - The weapon was orange from rust; the elaborate, decorative pattern was barely visible now.

She look a look at the other information – took a look?

and looked at the antique looking glass curiously. – My youngest son, when he was about 12 gave me a bit of advice, and it really really works. Try not to use the same verb or noun in a sentence – try this – and peeked at the antique looking glass curiously.  I think that gives the impression May is also a little intrigued by the looking glass.

the same brown hair. The same… only longer. – I feel these should be part of one sentence. - the same brown hair! the same… only longer.

into the unconsciousness  - into unconsciousness

being remembered by the Lady.. – two full stops J

The man to whom she would pledge loyalty and love to since infancy . – If she has been betrothed since childhood then the sentence should read - The man to whom she had pledged her loyalty and love to, since infancy.

anticipating to see the gift – not sure anticipating fits there.

but she was not here - but she was not her?

 

xXSXx

I noticed the formatting prob too, and couldnt sort it out! 

The next story, Dark Magic Rising is in progress. I have loads started and will eventualy work through them all ;) 

 

I am looking forward tor eading more of your work. just short on time at the mo

Just the prolog upto now but will get into it soon :) 

It is the start of my work on a world called Alhanassa. It did start off as a prolog but it got a bit long for that :) 

Thanks for that. The world created for The Tales of Alhanassa is very female orientated. It all came from how humanity treat women, now but mostly within our own history! I hope it empowers women and not make them think I hate men cos I don't. Especially my hubby :) 

A good opening, the introduction to the characters is put together well. The flit between points of view (who’s head the reader is in) was natural and not forced. A very intriguing beginning and will definitely have me reading on. 

(Returning review for Bodelia's Anguish) 

xxSxx 

Very poetic. Love the description and passion that comes out in the wording. It’s a shame it’s a complete work as there could possibly be more. But, I do see that’s the point. Hope to read some more of your work soon

 

xXSXx