Sparkatale

This is a very good first chapter. I think it did a great job of introducing the main character and the setting. I like your writing style, it flows well and is nice and descriptive.

So far I like Ouralan, she seems reasonable and mature. Most of the stories I’ve read here have teenagers as the main characters, and although her age isn’t really mentioned I imagine her in her twenties or so. Anyway, if she is a teenager she doesn’t act like it. Obviously there’s nothing wrong with teenagers as main characters, but still, it’s a nice change :) Aoti seems interesting too, I’m wondering why he came to their shop in the first place.

I also really like the language you used, I like that it’s kinda old timey but not enough that it’s annoying. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t like reading stories that overuse old fashioned language to the extent that it’s just unrealistic even for the time period it’s set in. That doesn’t make sense, but oh well. I should really stop rambling :P

Thanks a lot! Yes, in terms of mentality, Ouralan is probably in her mid-twenties, although physically to be honest I have not decided what age she should be, though it's probably younger than she acts. She is an orphan, and is forced to be precocious in order to survive without guidance and protection. This means that she has less freedom to act impulsively when others her age might do so, and she is also forced to reflect on her actions when others might rely on their parents to scold them. Another thing that sets her apart from teenage protagonists is the fact that she is working a full-time job. She is worried about survival and the stability of her future, which most teenagers don't really think about; they're thinking about their homework and their grades, the various problems between friends, and place less emphasis on long-range perspectives—not that they don't have it, but it's not on the forefront of their minds. The reason I left a lot of her attributes blank is because I wanted the readers to like Ouralan without being told that she's nice, she's funny, she's sweet, or beautiful; I wanted the readers to decide for themselves what kind of person Ouralan is based on the things she does and the way she thinks. Further, I always felt that physical beauty is one of those cheap shots that people place on their characters so that readers find them attractive, but I wanted readers to like Ouralan independently of her appearance. So in general, even I don't really know what Ouralan looks like, she mentions the vendor being pleasant to her because she might be a pretty girl, but it could easily be because of the way she carries herself and not because of her physical features; we don't know her hair color, we don't know if she's prettier than Reyne, if she's tall or short, thin or fat, or how old she is, because that's not important. Same thing for her age; it doesn't matter what age she is, because a man wouldn't fall in love with a woman because she's physically 20, he'd fall in love with her because she behaves a certain way. Anyway, I'm rambling lol, I appreciate your feedback, and I hope you keep reading! :D

This chapter made me like Ouralan even more. I like that she has a caring nature, but part of me is getting worried for her when she thinks of helping the vendor because of what the summary said >.< I do think she went along with the four men a little two easily, I know it said she felt it was difficult to protest, but still, I think she could’ve resisted a little more. I mean she has no idea what these men are like, even Long who she’s at least met before :P But I don’t know, maybe she’ll protest more in the next chapter.

I’m curious why this man has taken an interest in her. I mean, he could have just liked her from the time they met previously, but I think it may be more than that… In this chapter we find out more about Ouralan’s past. I’m wondering if he knows something about her missing family and where she came from, and therefore he knew who she was and possibly deliberately planned to meet her. But I’m just guessing ;)

Hm, you raise a good point about her following the men. As far as she is concerned, she is following them to a public setting, so very little mischief is likely to occur. However, I see what you're saying; she probably should have put up more of a resistance, or at least felt more conflicted about the whole thing. Will relook at it! Thanks a lot!

As for why Aoti Long is interested in her, there are hints later on. It doesn't really get articulated coherently until later, I think, but there are signs pointing to the very moment she caught his notice. Will only mention that much :)

I felt sorry for Ouralan in this chapter, she seemed to feel like a fish out of water :P I like how she’s cautious about the whole situation, she has no illusions about the class situation and such, once more I think this shows her maturity.

I must admit I kept mixing Sen, Yu and Min up. But then, I think if they are important in this story after this chapter, they’ll probably become more distinct and then I’ll be able to remember who they all are easier XD And if they’re not in the story after this chapter, then it probably doesn’t even matter at all. So I don’t think it’s anything to worry about.

As for Long, I don’t really have much of an opinion on him yet :P He seems like a nice guy, but who really knows at this point. I’m still thinking he might have a connection to her parents, or something like that, and that’s why he’s interested in her. I mean, the other three didn’t seem to question why he’d taken this lower class girl along with them, so I think they may have some knowledge about why he did so.

Lol they definitely do. I'll consider what to do about their interchangeability; I didn't really give any of them defining characteristics except Yu, so I'll think about it. As for Long's real motives, they're actually quite simple. You'll get a hint of it, I think, based on what he says to Ouralan in around chapter 6.

Another good chapter :) The conversation between Ouralan and the others at the beginning of the chapter was good, I think, as it showed how Ouralan’s caring nature is different from others in her position. Even though she’s really not in the position to help the others, at least not easily, she still wants to anyway… Sadly that will get her into trouble :(

 This story is getting very interesting, I wonder what will happen now Ouralan has found this girl. Obviously something’s going to happen that gets her into trouble, at the moment I can’t really think of anything that could do so. I suppose there must be something about this girl, I’m looking forward to finding out. I must admit I’m still rather suspicious of Long, he seems almost too caring for someone in his position :P

Hahaha you're not the only one who's suspicious; Ouralan is too ;)

Interesting chapter :) I liked the way you portrayed the connection Long and Ouralan have, it seemed believable and I’m interested to see how their relationship will progress from here. I have a feeling Ouralan is going to keep trying to help the vendor, even though he told her not to. Perhaps this is what will lead to the crime described in the summary?

There was a moment in this chapter where it almost seemed to go into Long’s point of view for a couple of sentences:

“They fell silent again, and stayed until the sun set, when Long remembered that Ouralan should rest and he should be heading back. They bid each other farewell. Long took one last look at the place, before stepping out.”

Technically it could still be seen as being in Ouralan’s point of view, but when I first read it I got confused. Personally I would reword it a little or even show him remembering in some dialogue. It’s not that big an issue, but it did interrupt the flow of the story a bit for me :P

I'll definitely look into it. Obviously, I meant to convey that Long did something to imply that he remembered something, but in every day language when we relate an event to someone, we don't always say "My teacher said that she remembered etc etc", we often say "My teacher remembered etc etc", kind of like "You recognize me!" or "You forgot about me!". It doesn't necessarily mean that all of the sudden I'm in your brain, doing the recognizing/forgetting/remembering for you. I don't disagree that my wording can be confusing though, but one reason I wrote it like that was because it flowed more simply that way, or at least kept the rhythm of the sentence short and quick, the way I intended. "Long then said he remembered that Ouralan should rest" sounds a little too wordy and awkward, it didn't have that nice, succinct brevity. Naturally, I don't want to extend that any longer than it is with dialogue; I really want that whole scene to be mentioned and then over with. I'll think about how to clear it up without changing the effect. Thanks for pointing it out :)

I like it, and I'll read the rest and enjoy the rest of the story^^

I thought chapter one did a great job of introducing the main character and showing us the setting. Really a good start.

I really enjoyed this chapter. It did a good job of introducing readers to the setting and characters. I love your writing style too. It's different, but really good.

I'm finding myself intrigued by these characters, particularly Aoti who seems very interesting and just a tiny bit... I'm not sure if creepy is the right word. Something just seems off about him. I'll keep reading and see if I'm completely misjudging him.

Thanks so much for your feedback! Yes, Aoti is meant to be a bit strange, especially since it's from Ouralan's point of view and she finds him strange. Some hints will come in time :)

I wonder if Reyne knows something about Long, something to make her suspicious of him. Either that or she just assumed they were having an affair and was worried that Ouralan would end up like the woman she (Ouralan) spoke of a couple of chapters ago… Or both XD Also, something random, but I like the way the girl behaves in this story. It seems that whenever I read a story on sites like this where young children are present they behave like cutesy balls of fluff. It’s nice to see a child that acts a little more realistically XD Speaking of her I’m curious to see what her effect on the story will be, I’m assuming looking after her will lead Ouralan into trouble of some sort :( I’m so worried for her!

After reading this chapter, I’m assuming that Long knew Ouralan before she lost her memory (If that’s what happened, I was a little confused by that). For him to be so concerned over her wellbeing, he must have met her before.

Ohh, from reading this chapter and the last I’m kinda thinking Reyne’s father wants her to marry Long… I could be completely wrong, lol, but it’s fun to speculate about these things :3 Cuddles is a ridiculous name, but it’s definitely the sort of thing Ouralan would come up with. I wonder what her real name is.

All these noble people seem very interested in Ouralan. It could be that they’re just interested in her because Long told them about her, or maybe they met her before or know something about her past as well (at least, that’s what I’m assuming Long knows). Or maybe they’re just nice people :3

Sorry for taking so long to read through this story, I’ve been really stressed out this past week O.o

No worries! Thanks so much for the comments. I had a busy week last week as well, and it doesn't seem about to lighten up this week XD More answers coming soon!

Another good chapter :) Hmm, Long is a mystery… I must admit I didn’t see that coming, I more saw him as a “non-action guy”. Anyway, I think it adds another layer to his character, before he just seemed like a genuinely nice, albeit mysterious, rich guy, but now it seems he’s got some dark secrets as well. I wonder what he’s running from. At the moment I’m kind of thinking he’s just sick of the pressure that comes with being a noble person, or something like that.

 I also like how you showed the contrast between Long and Ouralan, how she’s rather idealistic and naïve, at least about people’s capacity for kindness, but he’s more world-weary and cynical. It makes me more interested to see how their relationship will progress despite these differences :)