Sparkatale

No worries! Thanks so much for the comments. I had a busy week last week as well, and it doesn't seem about to lighten up this week XD More answers coming soon!

Thanks so much for your feedback! Yes, Aoti is meant to be a bit strange, especially since it's from Ouralan's point of view and she finds him strange. Some hints will come in time :)

I'll definitely look into it. Obviously, I meant to convey that Long did something to imply that he remembered something, but in every day language when we relate an event to someone, we don't always say "My teacher said that she remembered etc etc", we often say "My teacher remembered etc etc", kind of like "You recognize me!" or "You forgot about me!". It doesn't necessarily mean that all of the sudden I'm in your brain, doing the recognizing/forgetting/remembering for you. I don't disagree that my wording can be confusing though, but one reason I wrote it like that was because it flowed more simply that way, or at least kept the rhythm of the sentence short and quick, the way I intended. "Long then said he remembered that Ouralan should rest" sounds a little too wordy and awkward, it didn't have that nice, succinct brevity. Naturally, I don't want to extend that any longer than it is with dialogue; I really want that whole scene to be mentioned and then over with. I'll think about how to clear it up without changing the effect. Thanks for pointing it out :)

Hahaha you're not the only one who's suspicious; Ouralan is too ;)

Lol they definitely do. I'll consider what to do about their interchangeability; I didn't really give any of them defining characteristics except Yu, so I'll think about it. As for Long's real motives, they're actually quite simple. You'll get a hint of it, I think, based on what he says to Ouralan in around chapter 6.

Nice! Psychopathic doctor obsessed with curbing foul language. This chapter is hilarious! It's gonna be a cool adventure, I can tell. I really enjoy everyone's reactions. I really enjoy this chapter, really. It's going to be a good time!

I do kind of wonder if the doctor shouldn't be a little more surprised by this turn of events. He almost seemed like he expected this to happen. I expect teenagers to behave like morons as much as anyone else, but I don't think I could have reasonably predicted that they would wander into the room and happen to fiddle with the touchscreen that would release the virus. I guess he could have figured out what was going on while they were freaking out about their eyes though, based on data readings and such, but he seemed a little too prepared for the speeches he gave for them to be truly impromptu. Still, whatever, I love how all these kids are freaking out, and now they have quite a problem on their hands! Mwahahahaha!

(I'm not a psychopath, really. I just like me a good adventure :P)

Wow, it's been a while since I've been in high school. I guess reading from the point of view of an adult gives me a certain bias, because I can't stop thinking about how irritating these kids would be if they were real and messing around in actual facilities. I think you captured a lot of what we despise about teenagers really well: the lack of consideration for others, the incompetence when it comes to prioritizing, and the inability to think ahead and gauge the significance of consequences. Even Shay has the typical teenage mindset, in that all she could care about was the fact that they might get in trouble and she wouldn't get her precious car, not that they might hurt themselves through their stunts, or that they might hurt someone else. And this is all very good, because the central conflict of the story is created through their shenanigans. I do feel that they kind of deserve it though, and whatever suffering happens afterwards. Shay might be the only exception, but she's the main character so she needs to be more sympathetic.

Also there's a typo: the glass structure was "ten feed wide", I think you meant "ten feet wide".

Otherwise, this chapter was very well-written, you use descriptions well and you did a remarkable job of keeping track of all the characters and making them easy to remember. Even if they're all brats with varying degrees of brattiness. Kekekekeke.

Wow, it's been a while since I've been in high school. I guess reading from the point of view of an adult gives me a certain bias, because I can't stop thinking about how irritating these kids would be if they were real and messing around in actual facilities. I think you captured a lot of what we despise about teenagers really well: the lack of consideration for others, the incompetence when it comes to prioritizing, and the inability to think ahead and gauge the significance of consequences. Even Shay has the typical teenage mindset, in that all she could care about was the fact that they might get in trouble and she wouldn't get her precious car, not that they might hurt themselves through their stunts, or that they might hurt someone else. And this is all very good, because the central conflict of the story is created through their shenanigans. I do feel that they kind of deserve it though, and whatever suffering happens afterwards. Shay might be the only exception, but she's the main character so she needs to be more sympathetic.

Hm, you raise a good point about her following the men. As far as she is concerned, she is following them to a public setting, so very little mischief is likely to occur. However, I see what you're saying; she probably should have put up more of a resistance, or at least felt more conflicted about the whole thing. Will relook at it! Thanks a lot!

As for why Aoti Long is interested in her, there are hints later on. It doesn't really get articulated coherently until later, I think, but there are signs pointing to the very moment she caught his notice. Will only mention that much :)

Thanks a lot! Yes, in terms of mentality, Ouralan is probably in her mid-twenties, although physically to be honest I have not decided what age she should be, though it's probably younger than she acts. She is an orphan, and is forced to be precocious in order to survive without guidance and protection. This means that she has less freedom to act impulsively when others her age might do so, and she is also forced to reflect on her actions when others might rely on their parents to scold them. Another thing that sets her apart from teenage protagonists is the fact that she is working a full-time job. She is worried about survival and the stability of her future, which most teenagers don't really think about; they're thinking about their homework and their grades, the various problems between friends, and place less emphasis on long-range perspectives—not that they don't have it, but it's not on the forefront of their minds. The reason I left a lot of her attributes blank is because I wanted the readers to like Ouralan without being told that she's nice, she's funny, she's sweet, or beautiful; I wanted the readers to decide for themselves what kind of person Ouralan is based on the things she does and the way she thinks. Further, I always felt that physical beauty is one of those cheap shots that people place on their characters so that readers find them attractive, but I wanted readers to like Ouralan independently of her appearance. So in general, even I don't really know what Ouralan looks like, she mentions the vendor being pleasant to her because she might be a pretty girl, but it could easily be because of the way she carries herself and not because of her physical features; we don't know her hair color, we don't know if she's prettier than Reyne, if she's tall or short, thin or fat, or how old she is, because that's not important. Same thing for her age; it doesn't matter what age she is, because a man wouldn't fall in love with a woman because she's physically 20, he'd fall in love with her because she behaves a certain way. Anyway, I'm rambling lol, I appreciate your feedback, and I hope you keep reading! :D

Okay, good chapter again. I like that Dan's frustrated, and Jake's kind of hanging out with Emma partially to be with company that's more separate from the usual crowd he was with, just so he could escape a little. Emma's still not particularly fascinating yet, her only personality trait is that she's socially awkward without being shy, but it's making sense that Jake would like her company because her personality's so floating, which is a nice balance to his heavy thoughts. The comments I made for earlier chapters I still agree with. There might be some supernatural element with the ginger ale? I'm not convinced because there's nothing particularly outlandish yet. Still, it seems like Jake's relationship with Emma is slowly but surely progressing, and his relationships with his other friends are also changing too. Good work.

A good chapter as usual, though the confusion about Emma persists. I'm going to pick on her somewhat for this comment, because she's been bothering me a little since the last chapter (disclaimers: this is just my opinion, and I'm not as vehement about it as I'm going to sound later, because I am interested in finding out who she is and I think you are doing a good job of keeping me guessing, I just feel like I need a few more crumbs to really feel invested). I'm getting the sense after reading this chapter that you kept her quiet and mute in the last chapter because she was grieving or anxious about failing to save the bird, but if so, it didn't really come across very well for me, if felt more to me like her head was as silent as her tongue, because all she did was stare, there was no emotion or feeling behind her gaze the way the narrative described her. I know she was crying and and stuff, but the narrative's portrayal of her was a bit choppy to me. Maybe in the last chapter, add some more descriptions? I dunno XD Anyway, about this chapter: the scene with Jake and Emma in the coffee shop didn't seem like it reached its full potential, maybe because I'm a girl and if I were grieving for a lost sibling, a person as tangential as Emma would irritate me more than anything. She says certain things that seem kind of silly; "I think you're lonely", well isn't she a Sherlock? The guy did just lose his twin, the narrative explains that the whole school had held some kind of memorial and was treating him like a china doll. If she's part of the school than she should know about this. I'm not sure she currently is part of the school, but Jake is assuming she is, and even if he has an easy temper, I don't see him being particularly impressed by that bit of deduction, it's not the most intelligent remark for her to make. I'm also not sure I like her statement that loneliness gets easier, that you get used to it. I don't know what the purpose of that statement is, because it doesn't actually sound all that comforting, since it implies that Jake will forever be lonely. The quote's actual meaning is a little shallow, like a platitude. Of course, I might be nitpicking, but to be honest I don't really find Emma particularly attractive so far. There wasn't really anything particularly enticing about her yet, she gives me inconsistent vibes and talks a little like she has disorganized schizophrenia, which is fine, I guess, it's only chapter 3, but I have a hard time believing someone like Jake would be in the mood to put up with her idiosyncrasies when there's nothing about her that seems particularly resonating. I saw in some of the comments that you mentioned you had some difficulty writing this chapter, and other readers have observed that very little has actually happened in terms of plot; it's all setting up so far, and you're doing that very well, but in this chapter, particularly this scene, I think something needs to happen, and what needs to happen is that we should catch a glimpse of Emma underneath her exterior. I think she might need to say something or do something that has a profound meaning to Jake in this chapter, something a little more substantial than "all life is important, that is why I stopped you", because that sounds a little forced to me and not particularly enlightening, plus it's something any dumb stranger would say, not necessarily someone special to Jake, the way you clearly want Emma to be. You can have her being very weird and mysterious throughout the rest of their discourse in this scene, but I think there should be one thing that she says which is is very reflective of the core of who she is and the values she abides by, kind of like a brief window to the real Emma, so Jake and the readers catch a glimpse of her true nature (more profound than just her sounding sharp when she asked Jake 'what difference does it make'; it's great that she apparently has a backbone, but so do I, and I'm nothing like Emma, so it doesn't really show us who she is), before it seals up and she becomes Luna Lovegood again. It would be tantalizing, I think, and would be sort of like letting something glitter in a box and then closing it, so viewers would be like "Oh! Is that a jewel? What was that?" but they're not sure. However, they're hooked now, and they want to know what it is. I don't know. Right now, she's very insubstantial, kind of airheaded. I'm currently not convinced that she doesn't have some sort of mental disability, and I think some kind of clue would be very appropriate in this scene.

Please don't feel bad, I do want to learn more, because you do a good job of suggesting that there's more to Emma than meets the eye. I just feel that there's a timing to these things, and if you stretch the question marks out for too long, she'll really start looking like someone with mental retardation instead of whatever you want her to be, and I feel that about now is when you should probably toss us a few hints. Maybe even later, I haven't read the next chapter yet, but I think this part is especially good because otherwise nothing really happened at this coffee shop, when something really should; I mean, it is their first date of sorts, so it should be more significant than it is right now.

Also, really nitpicky this time, but something I forgot to mention in chapter 1: albinos can have blue eyes. In fact, albinos can have dark hair and dark skin, because it's actually defined by the presence of eye disease, not skin, and the thing that doctors look at is a layer within the eye called the retinal pigmented layer, which is what absorbs the light within your eyeball so that they don't reflect back and forth like a room full of mirrors and cause a huge glare. This layer, however, is not the same thing as the iris, which is what gives your eyes their color, plus there are varying degrees of severity in this illness. There are actually a lot of blue-eyed albinos, and even brown-eyed albinos (light brown). I've seen some of them. So Emma could still be an albino. The way you can differentiate is by the fact that she doesn't wear huge, grandma glasses. Albinism is an illness that causes poor vision, and in general albinos have a hard time seeing and reading stuff. If your eyes are fine, you can be as bleached as you want, you're not an albino. If your eyes are reflecting light everywhere, you can be as tan and dark as you want, you're still an albino. It's alright for Jake to believe she isn't an albino just because she didn't have red eyes, but I couldn't resist pointing that out, because the narrative made it sound like you didn't know either. Sorry, really nerdy XD

Overall, I like where your story is going. I have yet to see any supernatural elements, but no hurry on that count. Will keep reading :)

Cool, I'm seeing more of Michael, though I stand by my opinion that you should have more of him in chapter one. I know you might feel that he's in chapter 2 and that's enough, but I feel that your first chapter is more important than your second chapter, and as an important figure in the book, Michael should have a bigger presence there.

Otherwise, I like this chapter. I think you continue to portray Jake realistically, and all the people in his life are believable. I have only one thing to point to that had me a little skeptical; that counselor scene felt a little short, I feel for a teenage boy, the counselor should have to work a little harder before Jake starts feeling better, but this is not a major event in your story, so I'm not going to harp on it that much.

I'm more confused than intrigued about Emma at this point; she kind of devolved from Luna Lovegood to a catatonic. There's a certain vapid quality to her in this chapter, but I'm not sure if that's what you wanted or necessarily a bad thing. Just throwing it out there, just in case.

Will keep reading :)

I've only read the first chapter so far, will go on to read the rest, but I thought I'd just comment on each chapter before giving an overall comment on what you have so far.

I really like your writing style. I would personally get rid of all the contractions in the narrative, because the narrative should be a little more proper, I feel, than the dialogue, and the narrator isn't talking TO the reader, so it's just what I would do, however this is definitely not a major issue. Overall, your writing quality is excellent, and the flow is very good. You really set the tone and keep it consistent; I can feel Jake's depression and his struggle to behave normally for the sake of his loved ones, and I am very aware of that hole in his heart, the absence of a companion that had once been substantially there. You convey emotion very well, and I can really believe in Jake.

I would add some things in this first chapter. I find adding things to be easier than changing things, and I don't think you need to change things (maybe this wording and that wording, but those are so minor, I'm not even sure I'd worry about them) The thing I feel might be missing that could really add a great deal to your chapter and really set up for the rest of Jake's emotional journey, is if you talk a little more about his brother. Right now, it's all about Jake, Jake missing this brother of his. I don't know this brother though, so I don't really share his grief, you know? We don't even know his name until the end of the chapter, so for most of the chapter Michael's this nameless entity that Jake is missing for some reason. I mean, yes, he's Jake's twin, we're assuming that they're close, but I feel like that's a problem: you're forcing readers to assume. What if Michael's a complete brat? What if he and Jake are like those twins in "Jacob that I Loved" where one of the twins got overlooked and the other one got spoiled? You mentioned in your profile that you'd like to portray twins the way you feel they actually are: individuals with their own hopes and dreams. Were there any aspirations Michael had, that the cancer took from him? What kind of person is Jake missing? What kind of person are all his friends missing? It would be nice to include something as Jake is missing his brother. Maybe in the beginning of the chapter, he is talking to his brother and having some kind of brother and brother scene, and then suddenly he wakes up. For a few seconds, he's at peace, because he thinks things are the way they are before. But then he realizes that it's all a dream, his brother had died a month ago. In a few lines, you show us Michael as he was before, and you emphasize his loss when Jake realizes that in the real world he doesn't have Michael anymore. You can also add a narrative explaining how Michael contributed to the group of friends in the past. Was he the guy that kept cracking terrible jokes that everyone found funny anyway? Was he the reliable bookworm that everyone turned to for support? Was he the kid that everyone took care of because they all felt responsible for him? Just a few lines would give that section more substance than "there were four of us, now there are three".

Another thing I would add is, presumably the family struggled when Michael was undergoing chemotherapy or whatever cancer treatment he was having. Michael would have been suffering, either from the treatment or from the cancer itself. Depending on how abruptly he died, maybe Jake is still in shock. He can't believe that one moment Michael was alive and making fun of him, and the next moment Michael was diagnosed with cancer, and then following that, Michael is gone, all without giving Jake time to wrap his mind around anything. Or maybe Michael fought a long, hard battle, and Jake feels angry because even after working so hard, trying so hard, it was all in vain. These thoughts would be very prominent in surviving members; it's not just the death and loss itself. When you die from a car accident, it's just the death, because it's so random and there was no time to react. Death from illness is a process, and this process hurts as much as the loss itself. Michael's fight against cancer, whether brief or prolonged, should be at the forefront of Jake's thoughts, easily alongside his memories of before and his struggle to handle his friends right now. I would definitely insert them starting in this chapter (I don't know if you've inserted them in the ones following, but they should be there from the beginning). Not long and winding narratives, but they should pop up once in a while, and it would help to give a quick explanation in the beginning as to what kind of cancer Michael was plagued with, how long he had been treated for, etc.

Overall, I think your story is very well-written, and I look forward to seeing more. I can't comment on the girl, since she's just weird right now. I mean, I'm curious, but other than that, there's not much to say. I'll leave that for later chapters :)

Also, I do have trouble with summaries, lol. When the story progresses enough, if I'm happy to take suggestions (It's a little early right now since the story has not reached all the milestones). I'm also working on a cover, this one is more of a temp, lolz. Thanks for noticing though!

Thanks so much for your feedback! I'm glad you liked Ouralan. The four gentlemen are a little hard to keep track of, I'll take a look and see how to clear that up a bit. Thanks again for your comments!

I think the idea of following someone's journey following a life-changing disaster is an idea worth pursuing, but there are a few things you can work on to improve your story, though these depend on what message you are trying to convey. It looks like the basic theme of your story is how love and friendship can ease one's passage through loss and hardship, so my suggestions are with that assumption in mind.

As a reader, I would like to get to know Aishling before her accident. What were her circumstances? What was her relationship with her mother and Shane? It's not fair to assume that everyone's relationship is the same; the pain I might feel at the loss of my mother is different from the pain that you feel, because our mothers are not the same, even if they are both mothers to us. I think in the beginning, as you're introducing Aishling, it would be very good to first portray the interactions she has with her mother, as this can really change the impact of their loss. Maybe she always had an uneasy relationship with her mother, and just prior to the accident, was starting to bond more when all of the sudden, that opportunity is lost. That would be very different from if she and her mother always got along, because in that case, regret would not be one of the consequences; she would not blame herself for being a bad daughter, or a difficult child, or for not trying hard enough to understand her mother. Same with all of her friends; just who was Blake to Aishling before the accident? Did they already have the beginnings of a relationship, or was it a one-sided attraction? This is something that you can add, because the accident is supposed to create a change in Aishling's life, and these details will give readers a sense of just what that change is.

I would also delay Blake's admission of his attraction to Aishling. People react differently to situations based on their innate personalities, but unless they have mental disorders, they should generally behave within a limited range. Your Aishling is a teenage girl who has just lost both her mother and her brother, and is currently very injured. I highly doubt that she's in any state of mind to consider being anyone's girlfriend, and I can tell you that personally, if someone chose the moment I just learned I've lost my family and I've been in a 3 day coma with a concussion, broken ribs, and fractured limbs, to tell me that he liked me and wanted me to be his girlfriend, I would punch him in the face and tell him to stay the hell away from me and never come near. Why would a truly considerate guy overwhelm someone like that? She's in her weakest state, she's just woken up to a world that's gone upside down, she can't afford to care about anything else at the moment other than oh god, her mom just died, her brother just died and she's all alone in the world, what is she going to do how is she going live everything's going to be different and harder and maybe impossible, and now he's forcing her to pay attention to HIM? Is he trying to take advantage of her? That moment should not be about what he wants. He wants her to be his girlfriend, that's great. If he really cares about her, he can wait until she feels calmer, which should happen at least when she leaves the hospital and is settled for a while. If a man loves a woman, he should know that some moments should be all about her. Aishling has just woken up from a coma. The hours after that, the DAYS after that, should be all about her, her state of mind, her well-being. They should not be about his feelings and whether she returns them.I would wait a very long time before he comes forward with that sentiment. This does not mean that he should not be there. I would just have him doing considerate things for her and being there for her without requiring her to accept the role of his girlfriend. In essence, he should be her boyfriend without requiring her to be his girlfriend, at least in the beginning. This way, part of your story arc can involve Aishling discovering or rediscovering her feelings for Blake as she recovers from the trauma.

On that note, I think Aishling should have a much harder time coping with the disaster. She seemed almost normal within minutes of being told that she's going to live with someone and was even worried about such things as homework and school. If I just lost my family, homework's not exactly my primary concern. I'd spend at least 2 hours coming to terms with the fact that my mom and my brother are gone, when the last thing I remembered was laughing with them in our car. All the emotional supports, the people who knew me best, all of that, I no longer have. That's a pretty devastating loss. I would not care about school. I would take that out. You were also addressing what would happen to Aishling, which is good. However, you had Dean telling Aishling that she could live with his family like he's saying she could sit next to him on the bus. I don't think this is entirely realistic. First of all, think about the last time you welcomed an orphaned child into your home. If your family was one of those people who adopted, then you'd know just how much thought has to go into making the decision to welcome a little stranger into your family. If you've never done it, consider why you haven't. This isn't a light decision. Dean can be casual about it, if he wants Aishling to feel as comfortable about it as possible, but he should not say it like he expects Aishling to agree, because maybe Aishling won't. Therefore, I would make him more cautious, more timid and shy when presenting the idea. Further, Aishling should NOT feel comfortable with it. She should feel like an intrusion, and should feel reluctant even if she ultimately agrees because she knows she has little choice otherwise, and she should feel guilty, like a burden, and largely unwanted, because the only people who wanted her are now gone. This should be a very difficult moment for your characters, and I think you can delve into that aspect of her thoughts as she comes to terms with it. In addition, you had Aishling going about her business afterwards, coping with her treatment, and some hints that someone rammed her car on purpose. I don't think that latter point is necessary; the accident is hard enough, there doesn't need to be a conspiracy. She has to go through things like funeral-planning, learning her way around this new house with its new members, forming relationships with Dean's family, dealing with pity from friends, and then dealing with stupid homework, which she should not be interested in at all, but other people should be pressing this on her. She should be doing poorly in school, because she can't concentrate since she's depressed. She should be having difficulty socializing with friends, because they all have families and she doesn't anymore, she's a charity case. You can also explore how this is difficult for her friends as well. Some people don't actually care about her, and this incident reveals their true colors. Others do, but her altered behavior worries them and occasionally frustrates them, because they all wish there were this magic cure that would make her normal and happy again, when this just doesn't exist.

You can go a long way with your idea, but if I were to condense my suggestions into one point, it would be, take your sweet time with everything. Take your time building Aishling's life before the accident, and take your time really milking that angst after the accident. And then when she takes control of her life again with the help of friends and love-interest, the triumph would be all the more prominent, because you really allowed the story to simmer in the dark before bringing your characters up again.

Sorry, I know this is a lot. I think you can do it though. Hopefully you find these suggestions valid and helpful :)

I really like the premise of your story. The pacing is good in terms of main plot development, and I'm interested in seeing what happens next. I especially like that you take your time introducing the idea that Auset's father is a god to her. It's never good to rush a story.

I do think that you could tell the story more effectively if you made some adjustments. One thing I would change is the tense. I've never seen published works use all present tense, though it could be because I've conveniently missed all of them. Nevertheless, I do think it's also a good idea to use past tense because your story is set in Ancient Egypt, and the fact that it took place long ago also contributes a great deal to the impact of the story on readers. People like me check out your book because we're interested in something that took place in the past. Having everything in present tense kind of clashes with the overall feeling. I would change everything to past tense, unless you really think it's important for everything to be in present tense.

I've also noticed that you included a lot of references to Egyptian culture. You definitely should do that to keep the reader situated in the setting, but I feel that a lot of times you actually interrupt the flow of the story, especially since you tend to just place an asterisk and compel readers to stop reading, scroll down to your footnotes, and figure out why you felt it was important to place an asterisk there. Usually, I feel like you have a reference just for the sake of having one, and I could go through all the chapters without looking at your asterisks at all and miss nothing. When I'm reading your story, I'm not interested in seeing all these names and weird people. I'm interested in what Auset is doing, and how the actions of those around her might affect her. The identity of the particular statue she hid behind, or the god that her cousin's betrothed worshipped, does little to contribute to the development of your characters and even weakens the strength of your story because this clutters up your novel with empty names that do little other than show that you've googled a lot for your book. What I would do is remove all of the asterisks and place the contents of the footnotes within the narrative itself. Auset knows this culture, as do all the characters, so it's not like you could reveal much through conversations between characters, but there is no reason she has to assume that the person she's telling the story to, the reader, knows everything that is going on. You can make the narrator take the time to explain the references through prose, or insert hints in dialogue that are not necessarily coherent explanations, but enough for a reader to piece things together. If it feels awkward to insert explanations within the text, you probably shouldn't include that reference. I think if you go through the story like this, you would remove a lot of distracting material and the story would be much easier to read.

I know this is kind of a lot. Writing is hard work. I'm a writer myself, and I can't even say whether the suggestions I made are good, but I do know that for my own stories I've revised and rewritten and revamped. It's all really normal, and I know even the pros usually have very different early drafts of their work. Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace took him like 20 years to write or something, his poor wife had to rewrite his drafts for him and spent 10 years doing just that. At least in this day and age we have the copy and paste function XD