Sparkatale

I really like the premise of your story. The pacing is good in terms of main plot development, and I'm interested in seeing what happens next. I especially like that you take your time introducing the idea that Auset's father is a god to her. It's never good to rush a story.

I do think that you could tell the story more effectively if you made some adjustments. One thing I would change is the tense. I've never seen published works use all present tense, though it could be because I've conveniently missed all of them. Nevertheless, I do think it's also a good idea to use past tense because your story is set in Ancient Egypt, and the fact that it took place long ago also contributes a great deal to the impact of the story on readers. People like me check out your book because we're interested in something that took place in the past. Having everything in present tense kind of clashes with the overall feeling. I would change everything to past tense, unless you really think it's important for everything to be in present tense.

I've also noticed that you included a lot of references to Egyptian culture. You definitely should do that to keep the reader situated in the setting, but I feel that a lot of times you actually interrupt the flow of the story, especially since you tend to just place an asterisk and compel readers to stop reading, scroll down to your footnotes, and figure out why you felt it was important to place an asterisk there. Usually, I feel like you have a reference just for the sake of having one, and I could go through all the chapters without looking at your asterisks at all and miss nothing. When I'm reading your story, I'm not interested in seeing all these names and weird people. I'm interested in what Auset is doing, and how the actions of those around her might affect her. The identity of the particular statue she hid behind, or the god that her cousin's betrothed worshipped, does little to contribute to the development of your characters and even weakens the strength of your story because this clutters up your novel with empty names that do little other than show that you've googled a lot for your book. What I would do is remove all of the asterisks and place the contents of the footnotes within the narrative itself. Auset knows this culture, as do all the characters, so it's not like you could reveal much through conversations between characters, but there is no reason she has to assume that the person she's telling the story to, the reader, knows everything that is going on. You can make the narrator take the time to explain the references through prose, or insert hints in dialogue that are not necessarily coherent explanations, but enough for a reader to piece things together. If it feels awkward to insert explanations within the text, you probably shouldn't include that reference. I think if you go through the story like this, you would remove a lot of distracting material and the story would be much easier to read.

I know this is kind of a lot. Writing is hard work. I'm a writer myself, and I can't even say whether the suggestions I made are good, but I do know that for my own stories I've revised and rewritten and revamped. It's all really normal, and I know even the pros usually have very different early drafts of their work. Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace took him like 20 years to write or something, his poor wife had to rewrite his drafts for him and spent 10 years doing just that. At least in this day and age we have the copy and paste function XD

Well, first, thank-you very much for taking the time to read, evaluate, and so carefully review Desert Princess; I'm also very glad you enjoy the idea for it.

You are probably right with all the astericks; this story is also on another site, fictionpress.com, where such author's notes and definitions are pretty commonplace, at least so far as I've seen. I probably don't need all of those, especially not the name meanings (that's just something I have a great interest in, but I do understand how it might be unnecessary) though I think perhaps some should stay, perhaps as, like you said, footnotes or a glossary at either the beginning or end of the book.

As for the present tense: I do see what you mean, about the connection between the past tense and things that have happened in the past. I don't usually do many works IN the present tense, I just thought I would try my hand at it in this story (though now I suppose I should have done a story set in modern times), but I have always seen and heard and read that a writer must keep the tense the same from when she/he has started it, excluding, I suppose, flashbacks. I do apologize if it bothers you that much; I'll think about revising that part, but I feel the tense, if I have, presumably, used it correctly and consistent all throughout the story, is fine as it is.

I will greatly consider revising what I have due to your suggestions, and again I thank you for feeling enough about Auset and her world to help set it straight. I might not get to it soon, but I will look into it. Thank-you.

Best wishes,

Elizabeth M.