SparkaTale: Read it, Write it

Alden and Angel

Alright, after one chapter my overall feeling was that there is potential here, but there is definitely some things that could be cleaned up or expanded on. See the chapter comments for grammar things. Overall I think you have a decent hero in this story. There's some mystery to Alden. He's obviously smart and not a typical teenager and I'm curious to his past and why he's just starting school. I think you could expand on his description a little bit though throughout the chapter. Some of that first day of school seemed more like a glazed over list rather than a fullbodied story. My suggestion would be to breeze through things like you did in later chapters once we have a feel for what a day at this school is like. Clearly it's not like my school due to the world you have the story set in (and I have no idea what Basic is). It would be helpful to add a little to the flow of the day, the rules of the school, the expectations the teachers have, etc. Don't bog it down with a minute by minute blow by blow but just a little more. It would also help readers understand Angel's reaction to Alden.

I would also like to have more description of what Henry looks like and how he's at the school. Is he larger, is he small, is he posing as a human? Obviously there will be more to learn about him as we learn more about Alden but having a bit more of a clear picture of him would be helpful.

Otherwise I think you have a decent start. Again, sorry this took so long to get out to you. Winters get very crazy for me so hopefully I'll be able to look at the next chapter and your other story soon.

Commented on: January 2, 2014
Alden and Angel

Sorry it took me so long to review this. Life got a little nuts. Anyways, I like to put more critiques in the chapter comments. So I'm going to just type as I read.

First thing, there is no need to use Alden's name as often as you do. Until you start adding in other male characters...IE Bryan, you can just use 'he'. It would make it flow a little better. Also, in the second paragraph you over use commas in that first and second sentence.

Another thing to improve on is the grammar with speaking. If you are going to use a speaking verb like 'he said' 'she exclaimed' Alden shouted, etc, you should use a comma at the end of the dialogue rather than a full stop with a period. An example "We should go to calc." Alden said should read "We should go to calc," Alden said. It's a minor thing but it is important just for proper formatting. This is really only a problem in the beginning. It looks like you fixed it towards the end of the chapter.

That's about it for the nuts and bolts stuff of this chapter. I

Commented on: January 2, 2014
Caring Dance

You're very good with creating a vibrant world in a very low word count. I would say that with this one more than the rest I want to know more about what's going on. It's very good.

Commented on: October 19, 2013
Caring Dance

Only grammar mistake I found was the capitalized She after the woman's thoughts in the second paragraph.

Commented on: October 19, 2013
Owen

After I posted that last comment I thought about it and I would add more description to the second bit with Joanna. All of that needs a little more explaination of what the background is and what's going on. Take a paragraph and explain the society/town and the structure. So there's humans, two shino races, and a fairy? And an Elder? Explain how they all fit through Johnithyn's observations and it will make this chapter feel fuller.

Commented on: October 18, 2013
Owen

For this chapter I noticed that you have some incorrect grammar with your dialogue. Remember, when using a speaking verb (said, groaned, even coughed) have a comma before the qoutes instead of a period. - "Half breed." A student coughed --> "Half breed," a student coughed - see the difference? that way you can use a lower cased letter after the bit of dialogue as well. This doesn't apply when you don't have a he said, she smirked, they laughed, etc. Otherwise this story is very engaging. I'm saving an overall review for when I'm done, but I'm enjoying it so far. I like that you contrast your character to the others to give us a description but I would love a little more on what he actually looks like. Also, take a little time to explain the whole difference a bit more between the shino types. I got the overall feel for it, but it doesn't hurt to add another sentence or two to just make it very clear. Obviously don't over do it, either, but since this is the first chapter its always best to get more of the basics explained early on so you don't have to do it later when things pop up.

Commented on: October 18, 2013
Owen

A short and sweet prologue. Not much to comment on since it is just that, but you did do a nice job of creating a sense of urgency. I also liked the formating you used to convey memories, thoughts, and then regular narration. It was very clear when reading. Well off to the next chapter...

Commented on: October 18, 2013
Primus

Thank you for the comment. These are all short stories (there's about five more that I don't ahve posted on here yet) that are connected. I have about half of the novel that goes with them done. Yes the masked man will be a main character in the novel along with other characters you meet in the stories. I'm glad that you liked it and I hope as I get the rest posted on here you'll start to see where they're linked.

Commented on: October 18, 2013
Innocent Suffering

I would make that massive paragraph with the incident into two at the point where Opre is starts thinking about Xena.

Commented on: October 10, 2013
The Finding

This is going to be a harsh critique, so be warned in advance. But also know I'm only giving you this critique since I think you have the skill to make this much better.

First, there was absolutely no character development or descriptions. Even in a short story you need to give your readers at least some detail so their imaginations can do the rest. At first I picture Danny to be in his twenties, then I pictured him to be in his fifties, folllowed by thirties since his daughter kept calling him daddy. It's hard to care about what happens to a character when you can't even picture them.

Second, what is "The Finding?" Is it a criminal organization? Is it based in Switzerland? Or are they a foriegn group? Why is Stacey even there to begin with? Why aren't the police involved? All of these questions can be answered in a matter of three or four sentences, thus keeping your word count low if that's the goal while providing at least a very basic background that will help readers to actually care about what's happening in the story.

Third, why would Danny believe Jen when she said she thought that the farm was the place Stacey was being held? Again, a little background (like if she was there when Stacey was captured) would help immensely with this.

Fourth, your ending was rushed. Why would the armed thugs just leave them in a "cell" that they could just run out of? Is it a game? Or are they stupid? Why would Jen be near the cell when there are armed guards around and why is she the one to try to stop them? Also what does she get out of all of this? I don't see her motivation for what she's doing and therefore it makes her role in this story really lackluster. And how did they escape from said farm, Stacey being shot and presumably bleeding with said guards, Alf, and Jen to make it the hospital?

Finally, you have one of my biggest pet peeves, which is unrealistic/poorly described injuries and wounds. So a broken arm and rib after being shot? Is the arm injury from the gunshot wound or from falling after being shot? Becuase right now I'm seeing a mechanism where the bullet has to enter the arm, strike the bone, pass through the arm, enter the thorax, strike a rib and either manage to stop at that point or pass harmlessly through her chest cavity, missing all the important vessels, lungs, heart, and spine to pass through the other side. I HAVE seen some really lucky shots, aka most people being shot in that area would have had something important hit and been in very serious condition, but never have I seen a gunshot wound that hit a rib not also hit some of the lungs causing a pneumothorax or a piece of the broken rib also causing a similar outcome.

Now your gunshot wound could happen (although it is highly unlikely that she would be "just fine" with only a broken rib and a broken arm), but to make it more plausible you really have to at least describe the scene when she gets shot so we can see what her body is doing. If Jen is on the ground because of the whole "tackling" part, I have to imagine the trajectory of the bullet is at an upwards angle. If that's the case, again Stacey would have to be standing in a completely different way than I pictured for her to have that sort of wound. Now not every reader is going to read that and call shenanigans, but you will have readers that work in law enforcement, forensics, health care, etc that will recognize when something isn't realistic and it would be the equivilant of removing the fourth wall in a play for that reader. So if you are going to have an injury, do some basic research and go for simple.

Commented on: October 10, 2013
The Finding

First off, you need to separate each different speaker into a different paragraph. This first paragraph shouldn't really even exist as it is. Actually all of your paragraphs are made up like this where you have back to back dialogue. Example? Second paragraph - She backed up into a corner with her legs crossed. "He's coming to find me. I bet he's already on his way right now." "Oh, is he?"- Have you ever seen a book written like that? The answer is no. When in doubt on how to do something correctly in terms of format, grammar, and structure pick up any novel that's not Twilight or Fifty Shades of Gray and see how it's done. I know that some people may quote artistic/creative license, but the reason ALL publishing houses follow the same basic rules is that no reader will continue a book if its difficult to follow who's speaking and what's going on. That is the biggest editing thing you cna do for this piece.

Commented on: October 10, 2013
High Stakes Chess

Watch for missing words and the things in the chapter comment. I also think if you ever go back to edit it would be worth while to slow down the whole "I read your mind thing" and let the main character notice things, describe some things, and make sense of the world. Is the "bad guy" truly trying to kill every Russian? Or was that sarcasm? That is one area where the above comment would really benefit the story.

Commented on: October 9, 2013
High Stakes Chess

The flow of your story is disrupted by places that should have commas and others that have too many. If you reread this and see where there is natural pauses when you read put a comma there and take out the ones that don't fit. It would help this to flow better and read more smoothly.

Commented on: October 9, 2013
Orpheus and Eurydice

There were a few little errors here and there in this (like a word being plural that shouldn't or an odd comma or two) but overall the writing was very clean. I wish you had given a little more description to the myth though I do like your take on it with Orpheus being a loving husband rather than some versions where he is portrayed as not having true love for Eurydice.

Commented on: October 9, 2013
The Watcher and the Bull

This was fabulous. Truly fabulous. I feel fortunitate enough to have read two great stories today, yours being one of them. Your details had this play out like a movie while the dialogue and thoughts of the characters made them come to life. Well done.

Commented on: October 9, 2013
Hyde

This was pretty good. One place I was slightly confused was where he had a young girls neck in his hands? I will admit to not reading the classic so perhaps this is from that, but if its not I would maybe give a little more or reword that section a bit just so it's a little more clear as to what happened.

Commented on: October 9, 2013
Familiar Secrets

I read this before and am not sure why I didn't comment. There were no gross errors in this piece and the story moved along well. It was never dull and didn't feel too short, which I find is a common thing with single-chapter short stories on this site. Well done.

Commented on: October 9, 2013
Difference

My biggest comment to you is the genre you have this listed under. It's not really a mystery and I would categorize it differently if I were you. Readers looking for a mystery perhaps won't read this since its in the wrong genre and readers looking for something like your piece might miss it since mystery really is a very specific genre.

Commented on: October 9, 2013
Difference

Now I am not familiar with poetry, but I wonder if there is a reason for certain words to be capitalized in the middle of the sentences? Again, I have no idea on the proper grammar in poems, but if they were in error thought I would bring it to your attention to look at.

Commented on: October 9, 2013
20 Sentences - Shattered

Beautiful writing. An idea for you (take it or leave it), do more of these, each with a different person and then write something a little longer where it all comes together? This was very very good and if I had picked this up at a book store and read it I would keep turning pages until I bought it. I would be very interested to see what you could do with this.

Commented on: October 9, 2013
The Beach Incident

Normally I wouldn't say this, but there are points in this story where you have too much description that really doesn't feel necessary. For instance the in-depth description of their clothing, including socks, just seemed too much for a short story. I would simplify this and focus more on personalities and relationships since this story really comes down to the differences between the children. In fact, it would be nice to know more about Carter a little earlier on and the others if you are keeping this as only a short story. As a first chapter of a longer story what you have works better, though you would have to do some editing to add more about the "world" you're writing in. I really enjoyed the ending of this story with Aiden and I actually hope you would consider using these characters and creating something longer. You have done a really nice job of making your main characters unique and have even put a twist on typical vampire stories. So well done.

Commented on: October 9, 2013
The Beach Incident

There are times you use parentheses that could easily be incorporated into the sentence with commas. That is probably the biggest structural thing I noticed in this piece that I would have you consider if you ever decide to edit or repost.

Commented on: October 9, 2013
My Last Day

Granted you wrote this in 9th grade, so take this comment with a grain of salt, but I have a really big issue with the whole "luckily my bother went through the window" part. Nothing lucky about that. That, actually, is more likely to end in death than remaining in the car. And from the way you described the impact it just isn't realistic. Again, a 9th grader probably wouldn't have any reason to know this so it's understandable, but for future knowledge if you are writing a car accident being ejected is definitely not the way to go if you want to live.

Commented on: October 8, 2013
My Last Day

Few spelling errors at the end.

Commented on: October 8, 2013
Out To Lunch

A few odd words here or there, or wrong tense, but nothing major. All in all nice writing.

Commented on: October 8, 2013
The Last Night

I would maybe add a few more chapters to this. It doesn't feel finished. Also I would maybe credit your friend in the summary but just have the parts that fit the story in your actual uploads. Again, that would make this a lot more polished.

Commented on: October 8, 2013
The Last Night

You're missing a few words here or there in this, but otherwise very clean writing.

Commented on: October 8, 2013
Of Love and Heartbreak

I'll be giving you a full review, but I really enjoyed some of these. Especially Painful Ignorance. That one I have lots of experience with ;) One thing I would say is perhaps do another piece or add a few of happy romances? That's just me wanting some sort of happy ending after a lot of angst, drama, and dark emotions that you write about. I would like to see what you do with a romance in the blissful parts of the relationship and then in the more comfortable stages. I think it would be a good read at least!

Commented on: October 8, 2013
Of Love and Heartbreak

I would move the note to the end of this. I think it would just fit better there for readers who read from start to finish. It would feel more natural.

Commented on: October 8, 2013
Musings In A Lounge Bar

Watch your commas. There are a few places where you have quite a few unnecessary ones. The second paragraph for example.

Commented on: October 8, 2013
The Birdsong Saga

The writing is good (beyond the comment in the chapter section), but I wonder if you meant to set this as complete? Without a summary I have no idea if this is all you meant to post from a larger story, if you got stuck, or if this is it. If the last, I would suggest giving this piece some sort of theme since there was really no decisive ending or sense of a message from it. I assume that is not the case since you have a second chapter that was never uploaded, but I would suggest putting something in the summary to tell readers that this is either only a sample from a bigger story that will someday be available or edit this to be a stand alone piece with some substance.

Commented on: September 30, 2013
The Birdsong Saga

You're making a common mistake with your dialogue grammar. If you use a speaking verb don't end with a period, use a comma. If you are using other punctuation like an exclamation or question mark then you don't need a comma. Example? - It's like the gods send rain every time im out on patrol." said Drakar --> It's like the gods send rain every time im out on patrol,"said Drakar. - â€œShall I remove the saddle as well?â€, asked Drakar --> â€œShall I remove the saddle as well?â€ asked Drakar - See the difference? Also have your punctuation inside the quotes, not outside.

Commented on: September 30, 2013
The Lay of Paul Twister

Nothing to apologize for. That's your choice as the author. Just know that it might turn some readers off rather than appealing to a broader audience. Obviously taking a different tone and narrative voice can be successful in a marketplace, like Catch-22 or even Green Grass Running Water, as different can be refreshing, but it can also be a bit of an uphill battle if you're trying to get published in the traditional way. Publishers don't like to take risks on things that they aren't sure will sell and if you have an editor reading your work and they don't enjoy it could present potential obstacles. It's just something to think about as you continue to develop your stories. And I might continue to read this. Like I said I enjoyed everything but the narrative voice in this. So I'll probably read more than the first two chapters my next rainy day.

Commented on: September 30, 2013
The Lay of Paul Twister

The one critique I have of this chapter is there are times where you miss a word in a non-dialogue situation...and since that is really confusing here's an example - Made him look like the sort of guy who wanted what he wanted now... - Now having a character speak in that way, sort of choppy and brusque, is wonderful, but having the narration that way is a little offsetting to read. You can write how you want, but as a reader it made me stop reading and look at it for a moment since it doesn't follow the normal rhythm and rules of narration. Which means it took me out of the beautifully descriptive world you've created and the otherwise wonderful writing for a few seconds and interrupted the story. And to be completely honest it's things like that if they are consistently happening that make me stop reading a story and not want to pick it up again.

Commented on: September 29, 2013
Red Rose

A very quick first chapter, but it sets things up nicely enough. Personally for me in a romance I like to know what the main characters look like. That's part of the intrigue of a traditional romance where the reader may not be so immersed in an imaginary world but are very focused on the people in the story. Kate, as of now, is without a description. I assume the girl in her dreams is not her otherwise she wouldn't be asking who she was...so it would be nice to know what Kate looks like. I know that some people will say things about artistic license and leaving things to mystery, but I feel that it just doesn't fit in this genre. If you are writing a traditional romance there will be descriptive scenes of a romantic/sexual level and for those to be affective readers need to know what your characters look like. That would be my biggest critique of the story as you have it currently posted.

Commented on: September 29, 2013
Red Rose

Your dialogue grammar is wrong. When following up a speaking bit with a speaking verb like said or replied use a comma not a period. Also there are a few odd commas here and there in this piece, especially in the first paragraph that could be taken out.

Commented on: September 29, 2013
Mine

This is cute, but there are a few places in every chapter where it seems you either forgot a word or used the wrong one. Nothing major, but I thought I would let you know if you wanted to edit. I also wouldn't mind a little more happy time between the couple. I get Derik has a horrible past and part of this story i the memories, but it seems like any of the time they spend together in the present is very much focused on negative emotions rather than the happy emotions of a relationship. I hope as you continue this story there will be some more happy things happening.

Commented on: September 28, 2013
Star's of Evoney

Agreed with A. Nonymous' review. On top of that you use the characters names a lot. A simple he and she would make it read smoother than every other sentence being Kayden. Otherwise it's a very quick start but It could definitely turn into something good.

Commented on: September 28, 2013
The Alchemy Series Bk. 1;The Chronicles of Wizardry: The Rise of Adrian, the warlock...

First off, be proud in what you've wrote and don't make apologies. We all have things to fix and work on and I think most of us realize where our stories are weak, but don't put your self-critiques out there for everyone to see since then they'll be looking for it when they read. My chapter comment goes for both of the chapters you have written so far. In terms of story, I think you have something here. I love descriptions of characters and found yours to be a little on the lean side, but it wasn't bad. All in all I would just maybe add some more description here or there to make the world a little more vivid but otherwise it was pretty good.

Commented on: September 28, 2013
The Alchemy Series Bk. 1;The Chronicles of Wizardry: The Rise of Adrian, the warlock...

A huge pet peeve of mine is overuse of the ellipses and exclamation points. You could cut back on them and we would still read it with similar pauses and emotion by the words alone. So save them for when you really need them.

Commented on: September 28, 2013
Tales of Daavas: Preview

I applaud you on trying to break the mold of most overly dramatic fantasies. I love that you put some humor in this but I'll agree with your other reviewer that it falls flat sometimes. I think either you need to split your chapters so that it doesn't drag or make sure to add some more comical quirks in here or there with the world. It would keep this really fun and very enjoyable to read. Nice start all in all.

Commented on: September 26, 2013
Tales of Daavas: Preview

In terms of grammar, both this chapter and the last one you have a few small errors with your dialogue. Don't end it with a period if you're following it with a he said, she cried, they screamed, etc. Use a comma. So "You're excused." Said Pharius becomes "You're excused," said Pharius.

Commented on: September 26, 2013
å…‰å¸‚: A land of What was Light

I really like the idea of darkness taking over a land. It's very unbalanced and destructive, giving a great conflict for your characters. My one suggestion is take what you have and expand on it. There are barely any descriptions of your characters or what the world looks like. This would greatly help with the story. There are some other things that need to be worked on as well, but I think the major point is adding more details and giving more narration so that readers have a better idea of what's going on.

Commented on: September 26, 2013
Jester

I was planning on reading this story anyways based on the cover and the summary, but when you asked for a critique I decided to dive right in. See my chapter comment for the nitty-gritty grammar things. In terms of your story, well it read quickly which is good, but it also felt a little flat. Some things were overly explained (like the prince hating parties, then commenting that he hated parties, then his parents commenting that he hated parties all within a paragraph or two) and then others felt rushed (like the stranger arriving at the end of the chapter). You have to find a balance between making it quick and easy to read and not making the story feel thin and, in turn, dull. Like Prince Leofwin. I think he could be a great character though I felt no connection with him whatsoever. I know he's handsome, rich, and hates parties. I have no information beyond that. It's hard to want to read a story if you don't feel connected to at least one character in it so you have to tell us (and fairly early on) why we should care that the prince hates parties and is handsome? Why should we care that there's a stranger in town? This is where giving more descriptions and having a little more interactions with characters or action happen is necessary. If I understood what the world was like I would be more interested to read about the prince's role in it. If I knew about the kingdom's history, beliefs, or culture I might be more curious as to who this stranger is and why people automatically are leaving him alone. So with that being said, you just need more in this chapter. I would suggest taking what you have and beefing it up a bit with some more background, details, and descriptions.

Commented on: September 26, 2013
Jester

Here are the things I caught for editing in this chapter. First, I think something happened in your first sentence there. Looks like either it was part of the paragraph below or something got cut off. Also, you started off in present tense and shifted into past. I think the past tense sounds better and is more natural to read since most books use it so maybe go that direction. Also, with thinking use the same rules as speaking with dialogue. You should also have the commas or periods inside of the quotes, not outside when your speaking.

Commented on: September 26, 2013
Sweet Cravings

Hmmm...seems my book comment didn't post? Well in either case, for the first two chapters great descriptions particularly in the parts where she was being turned and waking up in the coffin. I feel you could have added a little more to the whole "you're a vampire" conversation. As a main character, Lily is really nicely done. Thank you for making her have a sense of humor as well.

Commented on: September 25, 2013
Sweet Cravings

So look to the chapter comments for specifics, but this was pretty good. Lily can be pretty funny at times and I like that in a character. I also like your descriptions on being turned and her waking up in the coffin. There were a few spots that I think you could add a bit more detail or narration to (like the explanation of being a vampire), but otherwise this was a good start. Actually I will say that it is a lot better than most vampire stories that tend to get a little too cliche and present nothing original. So nice work.

Commented on: September 25, 2013
Sweet Cravings

Watch your tenses again. Here's one spot where you switched from past to present -Shit. Iâ€™m so confused! So confusedâ€¦ Scared. Iâ€™m scared. Iâ€™m so scared!- Unless this is her thoughts. Then I might change how you write it (IE use the single quotes, italicize it, or something to distinguish it from the normal narration).

Commented on: September 25, 2013
Sweet Cravings

Hello, saw you wanted feedback on stories so this will be the little nit-picky grammar things for this chapter. Watch your dialogue grammar. There a few places with a speaking verb where you end with a period instead of a comma. Also I caught two verb tense changes in this chapter. Minor things, but worth editing if you upload elsewhere/publish. This paragraph - I grabbed my smartphone from my purse and snapped a few photographs of the delicate sky. It took a couple of tries until I captured some decent pictures as my hand was shaking. Putting clothes on racks, folding them, and scanning them often took a toll on my hands. Theyâ€™d be OK in about ten minutes. - felt choppy to me. I wouldn't necessarily get rid of it but maybe reword it a bit or add some so it flows more smoothly.

Commented on: September 25, 2013
Sweet Cravings

Hello, saw you wanted feedback on stories so this will be the little nit-picky grammar things for this chapter. Watch your dialogue grammar. There a few places with a speaking verb where you end with a period instead of a comma. Also I caught two verb tense changes in this chapter. Minor things, but worth editing if you upload elsewhere/publish. This paragraph - I grabbed my smartphone from my purse and snapped a few photographs of the delicate sky. It took a couple of tries until I captured some decent pictures as my hand was shaking. Putting clothes on racks, folding them, and scanning them often took a toll on my hands. Theyâ€™d be OK in about ten minutes. - felt choppy to me. I wouldn't necessarily get rid of it but maybe reword it a bit or add some so it flows more smoothly.

Commented on: September 25, 2013
Transcend [Season 1]

See my chapter comment for grammar type edits. In terms of the story and what you have, it's a start but I think you could make it even better. I got the sense that I was reading a novelized version of a magna or anime, which is wonderful since those worlds are often complex and have a great mix of realism and fantasy, drama and humor. What you need to do to make this better is to really play up those contrasts. Readers can relate to high school and the cliques while your concept of Rei-Ki is definitely fantasy. You have the serious but likable main character (Lukus) with nice cast of supporting characters who add humor (Benjamin). Yet you haven't done enough with them. The story felt flat in parts because you didn't take the time to give better character descriptions so we could connect with the characters or take the time to describe the world and how it works. There were plenty of points where you could have given us a bit of background on the world, like when they're going to school having Lukus make some sort of observation or just use the time they are walking to talk about your society (IE it was hi senior year which meant there was a lot of pressure to pick a career. Many students joined...etc etc.). Again, if readers have some superficial knowledge about what's possible in your world, when you have your main character break the mold with some sort of power or knowledge it becomes a lot more exciting. Also with that, the more detail the better. I'm not saying to describe every little movement of your character, but when first introducing someone or someplace new take a few sentences (or a paragraph is more significant) to give us some details about that person or your characters' observations about them/it. This will provide a more vivid picture of what's happening and help your readers really feel engrossed in the story. Think of all the stories you've read that you just can't put down. Chances are you can't stop reading because you feel a connection to the character, their plight, and when you're reading it you become so absorbed in the world and what's happening you don't realize you spent hours reading. That's what you want to create. It's a fine line between bogging the story down with descriptors and making it too sparse. So you have to find your balance for this story, but at the moment I think you are running on a spartan level of detail. I'm going to leave this review at that since it's getting lengthy, but if you consider what I've said here and in the chapter comments I think that this story has some real potential to be very addicting for readers.

Commented on: September 24, 2013
Transcend [Season 1]

Here is my chapter specific editing feedback. I would cut back on the multiple exclamation points and reserve that for when something really is being emphasized (if you use them at all). Also your dialogue is incorrect. When using a speaking verb after the speaking part use a comma not a period. IE - "You never get up early." Zayn replied - should look like - "You never get up early," Zayn replied. Then when you are using 'he, she, they, etc' they would be lowercased instead of capitalized. I would also cut back on the use of ellipses. Save it for when you really have significant pauses in speaking so that it stands out more to the reader. Things like exclamations, ellipses, etc are great grammar tools to emphasize what's happening but it loses that when its overdone. I feel you could have ended this chapter right before they got to the gym as well, the break felt like a natural chapter end, giving your first chapter enough information for the readers while having them want to read on to see what this Rei-Ki stuff is. Again, after the fight could be another chapter ending.

Commented on: September 24, 2013
Fantasy World

This is my favorite of your stories so far. Out of all of them I really hope that you at some point come back and make this into a longer story. There were still a few choppy sentences here or there, but nothing really major. Nice writing here and a very captivating story.

Commented on: September 22, 2013
A story about something~

Oops! That's why you shouldn't assume...I only said that since quite a few of the consist mistakes I found in your story was missed words or odd order. Like I said, they are all little things by themselves but when put together it takes away a little bit of the magic of the story. Keep writing and I think the more and more you post they will probably smooth themselves out a bit. I'll read your updates and give you some detailed pointers in a chapter comment if I see the same sort of things from the first chapter.

Commented on: September 21, 2013
Tim the Troll

Or just restructure a bit. The wordy is fine as long as it doesn't feel choppy. And again, this was only in a few spots, generally in your longer paragraphs.

Commented on: September 20, 2013
The Lady at the Lake

This story was a lot easier to read than your other one. Again, though, I'm struck with the thought that the main character is a young child since she doesn't seem to grasp the concept of death. This may not be the case, but it's what I pictured from what you wrote, and that's fine except for the note at the end. It sounds pretty good for a little kid. Maybe a second or third grader could have wrote it, but I have to imagine that they wouldn't be wondering where there mother was after a prolonged terminal illness. Again, this is just something to consider as you continue to write to think about things that could be inconsistent with the scene you've set since it will take the reader out of the world you created and make them look at it critically.

Commented on: September 20, 2013
The Lady at the Lake

Just like on my other story, consider the spacing of this one as well. I also caught a few inconsistent mistakes (like an i or missing a space between a comma), but those are the little things most of us miss from time to time.

Commented on: September 20, 2013
Butterfly's Cry

Overall there are some good points to this story and some things to consider if you plan on reposting this somewhere else or want to edit it. First the good. You had some nice images and were able to get through a lot of content in a fast-paced style that was easy to read. So that was very good. But the story just didn't work for me. There were a few errors here and there (like ambulance being capitalized, and then my chapter comment) that distracted me from reading. So it's worth cleaning it up since readers do notice when things aren't done in a normal format. Then the ending. I guess I pictured Chuo (Chou?) to be very young. Like five or six since she was questioning why she was being abused, but then you have her acting much older when she finally overpowers her dad. I will say that in my experience generally abused children are not shot but are killed by their injuries and a younger child in the situation you created would more likely run than charge at their attacker. I understand that this is fiction, but for me it took away from the story you were telling and made it feel really flat.

Commented on: September 20, 2013
Butterfly's Cry

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I assume this isn't some form of poetry. If that assumption is right, then you shouldn't have each sentence separated into its own line. Just separate them by two spaces like you would and then only start a separate line with a new paragraph. If this is poetry, ignore me since I have no knowledge of what's the correct form when it comes to that.

Commented on: September 20, 2013
A story about something~

Well I think you could have a good story here, but I have to ask...is English your native language? Just from how this read I'm assuming it's not. If that's the case, would you like some pointers on your writing since there a lot of little things you're missing that would make your story better. Let me know and I'll leave a detailed chapter comment. But that aside, try for a little more description here and there in this as well. It would brighten up the mental image you're trying to create for your readers. Also, I read your profile. I sure hope that no one on this site posts comments that are hateful and rude for the sake of being mean. Be proud in what you've posted and I hope that you can use anything I have said in this post to help you grow as a writer.

Commented on: September 20, 2013
Tim the Troll

You've got a great narrative voice. Very humorous and very nice writing. There were a few points that felt overly wordy or choppy, but that was minor. This chapter was easy to read and left me smiling...which in my opinion is the sign that you're doing something right.

Commented on: September 20, 2013
The Darkness Within

Well this would have been a great first chapter for a whole story, but as a one-shot it needs some changes. I would get rid of the Rachel bit if you're not continuing since she's not linked to Tommy or Fey in what you have posted. I think you should come back to this idea, though, after some time and give it another go. As much as stories like this keep me up at night (I'm a wimp) you have a pretty good start to what could be a very suspenseful story. So maybe put it back to in progress and just note that it's currently not being updated. It would be a shame to let a nice start like this go to waste.

Commented on: September 20, 2013
Wolves

Reviews in return are greatly welcomed though not a necessity.

Commented on: September 20, 2013
Raptor

You've got a decent start and some quality characters. Overall, you need to flesh them out a little bit more, add some more description, and clean up some of the details so we can better picture the world and your characters. The story is interesting and I like the use of birds in it. I think once you refine things a little bit (see chapter comments) the story will read easier and be even more enjoyable.

Commented on: September 20, 2013
Raptor

Right off the bat I'm going to give you a few grammar things. In your first sentence you have to capitalize I'd. Then your dialogue isn't done correctly. When you use a speaking verb after a sentence the verb or he/she/they should be lowercased (and use a comma not a period). Example? - 'Y'know...' Started Bree - should look like - "Y'know..." started Bree - Also use the double quotes not the single, unless you are writing from Eastern Europe, in which case carry on and nice job on the English. That is about the only place where using ' ' is common in literature for dialogue. Everywhere else " " is used. So save the ' ' for when there is an internal dialogue (IE thoughts) or for when an actual quote is being used in dialogue (IE "Martin Luther King Jr's speech started with 'I have a dream...'"). Sorry that that got really wordy and long, but if you're confused just pick up a novel, find some dialogue and copy the structural components. Also throughout your first chapter there are lots of "i" and not "I". Remember to capitalize I, I'll, I'd, I've. So I'll leave my critiques at that. There are a few more things to be considered, but they are minor compared to the ones listed above. I'll give you an overall comment on the book comments page about the story itself.

Commented on: September 20, 2013
Dances with Unicorns

This is very, very original and very, very well written. I think you have done a wonderful job of combining two very different story types an actually making it work. Wonderful job and I hope that you continue to post.

Commented on: September 19, 2013
Dances with Unicorns

Good chapter, but the paragraph talking about why someone would want a horn got a little choppy. Otherwise I don't have much to critique. Nice work.

Commented on: September 19, 2013
Dance of the Dark Butterflies

I really enjoyed this. The first chapter was beautifully described. The second, too, had such great, vivid descriptions it really made the world come alive. One thing I would say in way of a critique is that in the second chapter I was a little surprised that a young Yuki wouldn't realize something was terribly wrong after his father's death. Sure, he's a toddler, but after speaking to him and having a strange man appear it would be a little more realistic for him to show at least some shyness or fear. Then, I was slightly confused in the part with the black butterflies. It wasn't really clear what was happening. Was Yuki alone causing it or who was the robed man? Might be worth going back and clarifying that a bit.

Commented on: September 18, 2013
Wolves

So I'm a bit unsure how I feel about this story right now. I think the reason for this is that your first chapter does a good job of briefly introducing your world, but not enough in setting up what the potential conflict might be. In my opinion a good way to clear this up is to take a little more time on this Alpha Pair and what it means. You could introduce it earlier by having your main character think about for some reason (how nice it is to have her businesses without an alpha pair or something along those lines). Another reason for feeling a bit apathetic to the story is that I had no real connection to your main character. I actually thought it was a male character until the shop keeper/best friend called her big mamma. A bit of description of the main character would help this. Then, I might split up those two paragraphs where she's talking about her no tolerance party by putting one right after mentioning having a thief and having the other follow her friend telling her to fire that bitch. It felt too long and repetative to be right next to each other, but if you spread them out with a little dialogue I think it would work better and be a little more meaningful. Finally, I didn't understand that they were wolves until you talked about the Alpha Pair. I might start alluding to who and what these people are and how their society functions a little earlier on. It would help us flesh out your main character's character and understand the world a bit better. But the overall take away I hope you get from this is that this story is a decent skeleton so far but edit a bit, add some and take some other things away, and it could really be the full and vibrant tale that you want to tell.

Commented on: September 17, 2013
Wolves

Here are some editing pointers. 1. I would put commas in where you're using 'baby', much like if when they were speaking and said someone's name. So "Hey baby" would read "Hey, baby". 2. You have "Inn" capitalized...unless the name of the inn is Inn I wouldn't have it in caps. 3. With dialogue if you are using a speaking verb after (he said, she said) use a comma before the quotes. So "I already have one thief to handle at the Inn." I call - should read "I already have one thief to handle at the Inn," I call. Other than that I really didn't find any huge things in terms of format, grammar, or spelling. See my book comment for overall thoughts :)

Commented on: September 17, 2013
What Awakens: S.S

This was a sad chapter. I really liked the ending though. It makes me want to read more and learn about her past!!

Commented on: September 16, 2013
Unravel

This was a nice beginning. I liked that you gave different, unique personalities to the sisters rather than having them sound the same. I also like the little twist where magic is feared. A few suggestions, first there are lots of points where what you're saying feels more like a list than a flowing story. A few connectors here or there along with some description thrown into spots would help smooth that over. Also there were a few minor typos/editing errors of the variety that spellcheck wouldn't catch. Like missing a word in a sentence, switching tenses in a sentence, or changing what you wanted to say but not deleting all of the original sentence. There aren't a lot of these, but a few did slip by so you're aware. Otherwise, like I said before, this is a good start.

Commented on: September 16, 2013
Chaotic Nights: Awakening

Interesting start to your story. Other than my chapter feedback, I would watch how many ellipses you use. Otherwise this was a good beginning.

Commented on: September 15, 2013
Chaotic Nights: Awakening

This chapter is good, but you're dialogue is not grammatically correct. I did the same thing you're doing when I first started so a lot of people I think make this mistake. Anyways, here's how it should be: If you have a speaking verb (said, exclaimed, informed, etc) following the dialogue don't use a full stop but a comma. If you don't have a speaking verb than use the full stop (period). So for example in your story "Your ... manny... has taught you politeness well... come on, it shan't take long." Junyaho informed her...should look like "... come on, it shan't take long," Junyaho informed her. If that sentence ended with a 'he informed her' then the he would be lowercase. Hope that makes sense and helps in the future chapters.

Commented on: September 15, 2013
The Emperor's Book: The Five Seals

I only read the prologue, and have to say that the writing is pretty good. There are few sentences here or there that just didn't read real easy or were formatted a little awkwardly (like the survivor's guilt and having each question in a separate paragraph), but all in all it was decent.

Commented on: September 15, 2013
Fairies

Your writing is good. Only a few little errors here or there, but nothing major. I do have a few suggestions, though, for you. The beginning of the chapter was nice since we got a good glimpse at Nia and the family dynamics. I still have no idea what she looks like, or really any of them for that matter, so that would be something to maybe add. Also, the flow of the story starts to really slow down when you get to explaining everyone's age and who lives where and why. Perhaps this is important to the story, but I think you could cut a bit of that down and simplify it a bit. Also, there's kind of a weird mixture of modern and your typical fantasy world here. For example they live in a small village, so I'm picturing huts and things, but then Nia went down a set of stairs to a kitchen. It sort of jarred me a bit since I made an assumption on what things looked like and it didn't really match. More description there is needed. Also when Nia gets mad she goes from talking like a typical fantasy novel to saying thins like "punk ass queen". Again, what is the world like? Is it modern, thus making language like that fit with the overall scene, or is it more long dresses, horses, and swords? Finally, this chapter really didn't seem to go anywhere. Yes, we know Quin is leaving, but then she meets up with someone (who is he, what does he look like?) and the chapter ends. I feel like you should have either cut it off earlier or made it longer to end at least a little more decisively.

Commented on: September 15, 2013
Tricksters

I love these characters. I have always enjoyed stories with Coyote and this one has the potential to be good. The part where Coyote was talking about how good he was in the beginning really had the tone of some other great Native American stories, but it felt like it lost that rhythmic nature and unique storytelling that I love so much with those stories. Otherwise nice start.

Commented on: September 14, 2013
Fantasie Impromptu

I like this idea. It's unique. One thing I would want is a little more description on Devon just so it's easier to picture him. Otherwise nice work so far.

Commented on: September 14, 2013
Fantasie Impromptu

I would put your Authors Note in the beginning of the chapter. Just feels more clean that way.

Commented on: September 14, 2013
The First Cut

Wow, Aria is one messed up chick. You're writing in this is good and moves along nicely. Other than my chapter comment there really weren't any huge things for you to consider for your next chapters in terms of structure. Obviously in your summary you put that Aria is a masochistic, but I hope that you give a back story to that. I'm curious as to what introduced her to that sort of life (her mom?), why she enjoys it, or if it's her way of coping with things from her past so she doesn't feel like a victim. Finally, I would put maybe something more of a warning in your summary since I can see this story potentially going into subject matter that some people won't be comfortable with. Maybe it won't, but if you intend to have her in a relationship that has some level of physical abuse in it a warning might be warranted.

Commented on: September 14, 2013
The First Cut

Here's the one major editing thing I found...Basically i think you hit enter on accident since you cut glasses off into a new paragraph: " she had dark grey hair and eyes that were so wrinkled and squinted that-if it werenâ€™t for the huge glasse s that showed the tiniest of slits in the middle-youâ€™d have to wonder how she saw at all."

Commented on: September 14, 2013
Gifted

The new chapters are very good in terms of the story. I still feel like there is more of a connection with the 256 and Carey storyline than Janelle. Maybe if you edit at some point add a bit to her sections earlier on just to help readers relate to her better. Also I would try to combine some of those broken up sections for the same character so it doesn't feel so choppy. Otherwise I like where this is going. It's a very good storyline overall and I still really like 256 out of your three main characters. Looking forward to the rest.

Commented on: September 11, 2013
Gifted

Here's some nit-picky editing things I caught when reading: He sat up, thin blanket falling around his waist. - feels like you're missing a word here. I would put a question mark in the sentence where he asks her about getting food. I also think you could connect the bit in the cafeteria to leading her through the halls with just an additional sentence rather than doing a full break. It would read more smoothly that way. "before rushing of to tend to one of the children." Off not of. "Stop whinging" It's whining

Commented on: September 11, 2013
Gifted

Finished what you have posted. This story is very intriguing for a number of reasons. First it feels very original, which is sometimes hard to find in the fantasy genre. Then 256 is a very interesting character. Unlike Janelle and Carey, he doesn't currently have an agenda. He's part of the "bad guys" (even if I'm not entirely convinced that the Gifted and this Council is bad at this point) but he obviously has an empathetic spirit. It leaves his path very open to lots of possibilities. Then there is the idea of the gifts themselves. I'm glad that you are making elemental gifts the most common and having at least one of your main characters possess that. A lot of fantasy writers that post on these sites tend to make all of their characters have either very rare or very special/strong powers. It's refreshing that 256 is, for what we know of him, normal for one of the Gifted. I really haven't been able to connect with Janelle's character yet. She seems a little flat at the moment, but that might be due to no real scenes that have tested her character and personality. Like I said in my chapter reviews I would like to see maybe longer sections from a single character's point of view since it would make it easier for us as readers to form some sort of opinion about the characters and delve a little deeper into their personalities.

Commented on: September 10, 2013
Gifted

When I read this it almost reminded me of the beginning of a movie with the cutting back and forth between characters. Not saying that as a bad thing, but it might be nice to focus on a single character a little longer (ie combining Carey's portions of the chapter into one section). Also in Janelle's section you have a paragraph says sword every few words. Try to find another way to say sword or what you're trying to explain so it doesn't feel so bogged down. Otherwise, nice first chapter. I'm enjoying where this is going and the whole idea of the Gifted being carted away. Adds some mystery to what they're training for and what's their purpose.

Commented on: September 10, 2013
Dance of the Dragon Hunter

Nice intro. Don't capitalize the T in The for the normal days. I"ll give you a more thorough review once I've finished what you've posted.

Commented on: September 10, 2013
A High School Hate Story

This was delightful! I will readily admit I'm a huge sucker for Pride and Prejudice and have read many of the spin-offs its inspired. You did a really nice job of making this seem believable for a modern world and I hope that you keep it fresh and light. Think Clueless for Emma. I think you have a great start and I'm interested to see what your modern version of Darcy will be. I'll be watching for your next chapter.

Commented on: September 9, 2013
A High School Hate Story

GEEEEE!!! I'll gush more about this in the book comments, but the only problem I have with this story thus far into reading is the first line with the "school widely". I know what you're trying to do, but it just doesn't sound right. I have no alternatives or suggestions, unfortunately, so I leave that up to you if you should agree with me. Correction, I found another little thing worth mentioning (emphasis on little). I would maybe split your first paragraph into two at the point where you have "Anyways..." after the weird family bit. Just seems like a natural break.

Commented on: September 9, 2013
Schism

Your most recent chapters really are very stimulating. It's clear you have some sort of background in the "hard" sciences which makes this really fun to read. I have no critique for you today, so sorry if you were hoping to get some. I just enjoyed this too much to really dig into any structural things.

Commented on: September 9, 2013
What Awakens: S.S

No worries! I'll read whatever you end up posting :) And I hope that the characters are Asian. There aren't enough stories with good Asian characters, or ninjas for that matter. In fact, what I really loved about this whole story is how much it reminded me of some of the good ninja animes. Seriously, there isn't enough stories like this to ever make me happy! And I suppose Chun is yours since you created him, but I'll still love him no matter what ;)

Commented on: September 8, 2013
The book traveler

Obviously, there's not much to comment on at this point since you only have your prologue posted. I like the idea of this story, but I would just warn you to be careful that this isn't too similar to the Inkheart series. Clearly you have some differences already, but that was the first thought that came to my mind after reading this.

Commented on: September 8, 2013
Words of Sight

The writing in this chapter is very good but a pet peeve of mine is having all this beautiful writing only to use "2" and "10", etc, instead of writing out two, ten, twelve...If there is a reason to use the numeric symbol of the number, great, but when you're talking about time, age, etc, write the numbers out.

Commented on: September 8, 2013
Living Through the Ghost

This was probably the best update you've had yet. Only one little thing in the first paragraph when he's talking about her thoughts being silent, feels like you missed a word, but otherwise really good. I'm really looking forward to seeing where this goes.

Commented on: September 8, 2013
The EtherRealm

Good writing and a good story. There was a missing word in the sentence when Peter gave her his phone. I'm only saying that since you asked for a critique. Otherwise my only other thing I would have to offer up is maybe more of a description of Beatrice. All in all this read really nicely and you built up the next chapter really well. So nice work.

Commented on: September 7, 2013
What Awakens: S.S

Hehehe, this was the best comment reply I have ever gotten :) I'll definitely keep reading...and I see what you're saying about Suna. The quiet, protective types are always very...well very alluring I suppose would be a good way to say it. But still, I'm going to be a Chun fangirl!!!

Commented on: September 7, 2013
Dreamwalker

There was no part that was unclear if that's what your asking. But as a reader I would love a little more detail when she's interacting with the boys. I know that there's more to this story than the romance aspect, but Jesse and Aiden are great characters and Emma is very strong. So I would love a little more detail around when their interacting. Not overdone, but some more description here or there would help with the relationship building and feeds my love of this story.

Commented on: September 7, 2013
What Awakens: S.S

I love stories that aren't constantly blondes with blue eyes and brunettes with intense green eyes, etc. I think you did really well making this wholly your own and not falling into the normal cliches. One area of improvement is that there are spots where whatever is happening is written more like a list than a narrative story. Like when she was going through the line in the first chapter. Like I said in my chapter comment that's a place for a little more description. It would also help the story find a more consistent pacing. Otherwise I enjoyed this and love your characters. Chun is my favorite :)

Commented on: September 7, 2013
What Awakens: S.S

This is a fun story but it got a little confusing at the concert right before they start to fight. I would maybe explain what's happening a little bit more in that spot and then also when the band first comes on stage. A little more description too would be wonderful.

Commented on: September 7, 2013
Dreamwalker

Well that was faster than I expected! I am getting really interested in the whole dream idea and what she's seeing. I'm also really interested in exactly who Jesse and Aiden are. Just like my last comments, the only real improvement I could see is just a little more detail overall, but otherwise this was a very fun read.

Commented on: September 7, 2013
Dreamwalker

The little edits were good. But I will go all fangirl on you right now and say that the only thing that would make this lovely saturday better would be chapter 3 :) Hope you have some time to post soon.

Commented on: September 7, 2013
Desert Princess

A few little errors here and there with the new chapters, but this story is really getting very good. I hope that you are able to update soon!

Commented on: September 7, 2013
Insanity's Diary

I'm not sure what you're going for in this story but it reminds me of a few different suicide notes I've seen from schizophrenics. The ruminating thoughts, the conversations that are one-sided and bizarre, even the dark, capitol letters here and there. So if you are trying to portray mental illness you have done a wonderful job.

Commented on: September 6, 2013
Feather's Flight

Nice Haiku.

Commented on: September 6, 2013
Shadows of Freedom

Again, I liked this, but it would be wonderful if you placed all your poems together under one title. Especially since they aren't monstrous. I think you would get more readers that way as well.

Commented on: September 6, 2013
Seek

I liked this, but I would love to see more of your work. Have you considered creating a collection under one title of your work?

Commented on: September 6, 2013
The Dreams of an Astronaut

Not a bad story, but the formatting made it difficult to read. Sentences would be cut off in the middle and finished in a paragraph below. Something worth looking into fixing.

Commented on: September 5, 2013
The Devil's Advocate

Very good! I love the use of biblical and greek terms in this. Makes my little theologian heart sing :)

Commented on: September 5, 2013
The Nerd And Her Traveling Notebook

This is wonderful. Few little areas to clean up if you ever edit. The first being when the teacher comes to her desk. There's an odd sentence that follows, the next is when she looks at the boy of interest. Might be worth checking out. Finally, yes ma'am, unless mam is a common term from wherever you're writing from. Otherwise I hope that you continue to write this. It has the potentially to be quite funny I think.

Commented on: September 5, 2013
Hey Me

I was going to read this on Readwave, but I'm glad you posted it on here as well. This was very good. I know it was for a writing challenge, but it would be fun to have you continue this and write from the point of view of your future self, almost like what you think is going to happen. Just an idea :)

Commented on: September 5, 2013
Bloody Mess

A good start and original enough. I'm very interested in knowing what sort of power this king has and what power your character has considering he can't destroy her.

Commented on: September 4, 2013
Bloody Mess

My first comment on reading this chapter is get rid of the 3rd person POV. We know it's third person by reading it. There's no need to have that in there. Then, when you flip over to the first person point of view either make it a completely new chapter or use a break like a ~ before starting the new paragraph. It cleans up the look of your piece and makes it feel more professional.

Commented on: September 4, 2013
Dreamwalker

I just reread this and it is a LOT better than I remember. Maybe you didn't change it, but I don't remember this amount of detail the first time you wrote. Either way (whether you edited or I just was in some sort of weird coma when last reading it) this remains one of my guilty pleasures on this site.

Commented on: September 4, 2013
Desert Princess

Overall this is moving along nicely. Edit a few of the speaking parts so it's a little more clear who's talking and watch the time jumps as mentioned in the chapter reviews, but otherwise very good start.

Commented on: September 4, 2013
Desert Princess

Really enjoying this story. There is a little bit of confusion on who is speaking when they first sit by the river. You put in an "I retort" when it seems that it should be Kamenwati saying it. Might be worth looking into. Otherwise this is wonderful and I'll be watching for updates.

Commented on: September 4, 2013
Desert Princess

I was slightly confused when you went from Auset dancing to practice for the wedding to the wedding itself. I feel like a sentence to connect the two sections is needed.

Commented on: September 4, 2013
Desert Princess

This chapter was a nice glimpse into Auset's life. There were a few bumpy sentences that could be smoothed over, but otherwise your writing was very clean.

Commented on: September 4, 2013
Desert Princess

This was a great start. I really don't know much about Egyptian mythology, culture, etc, but you did very well in not making it too complex for beginners like myself. And I'm very interested in seeing what a daughter of the god of death will turn out like.

Commented on: September 4, 2013
Dear Me

And I just bought your novel. Looking forward to reading it!

Commented on: September 3, 2013
Dear Me

I don't mind the fine tooth comb. No matter how much you edit it seems like you miss things or people reading from a different light pick out different things. One thing I've learned about having anything posted on a public forum is you can't have thin skin. And I'm female...as my silly little attempts at romance might suggest ;) Thank you for the compliment. As I've said before, you're very good too!

Commented on: September 3, 2013
The Tall Man

OK THAT IS NUTS. I truly thought you had seen the movie...seriously it's called Tall Man. Check it out. I'll change your review then to reflect that since the main negative was not giving credit to that work...

Commented on: September 3, 2013
Cast Out

Hahaha, well I will say that I do lots of things I hate seeing when I read other stories, so yes, I'll agree with you 100% that's a long chapter and I could probably cut it down. With that out of the way, thank you for the review. I'll defend the weird hair color since it serves a purpose. It's minor at this point but does play a bit of a larger role later on (at least how I have it outlined). For the cliche foster parents...well yes, you are right. It is cliche. There is a plot point with that as well, but I get what you're saying where it might get me into trouble. I hope that if you keep reading you'll let me know if I start straying into that territory. As of now, chapter 3 or 4 really lays everything out in black in white. But maybe I'll put it in earlier. Again, thank you for the review and the criticism. I'll try to smooth out the typos, be a little more concise, and hopefully keep this original!! Looking forward to reading more Carriers soon :)

Commented on: September 2, 2013
Hybrid

Just finished chapter one. This very very original and very entertaining. The only suggestions I would have is maybe editing the bit where Nyx explains shades (it was a bit long and wordy) and then do the same about her being a hybrid. I think the amount of information you gave was good, but maybe try to make it more concise? That is if you ever are going to repost this somewhere else or publish. Otherwise I love the details you provided. I could picture the room, the characters, and the overall flow of the world. Nice work.

Commented on: September 2, 2013
Hybrid

This prologue is perfect! For being so short it really got me excited to read more. Here's hoping the rest is as good.

Commented on: September 2, 2013
The Tall Man

I read this after the great review you received and had to admit that I was a little disappointed that you didn't make this more original. Granted, it's not exactly like the movie, but I was expecting something completely different that was your own creation. You write well, but you need to be careful that you're not crossing boundaries with copyrights. If this is meant to be a fanfiction I would label it as such in your summary. Other than that, I would also suggest making a few sentences out of that long one in your first paragraph.

Commented on: September 2, 2013
The Rush Hour

Again, very well written as your other pieces on here. A few minor editing things in terms of the spacing between paragraphs not being uniform throughout the piece and three paragraphs in a row starting with your characters name. Otherwise very well done.

Commented on: September 2, 2013
Hiring Season

Chapter two was really funny. I loved it. I would maybe put some of your sentences together into bigger paragraphs, but I didn't notice really anything else in terms of editing. Nice work. Hopefully will read chapter 3 soon :)

Commented on: September 1, 2013
My Dream

This story had good writing with only one point where I was slightly confused as to what was going on (when you first destroyed the government and the cell's creature). I was a little surprised by this, though, since from your summary I was expecting something else. Unless this was all just a dream...but either way, if you continue with this storyline I would love to know more details of what was happening, what the power is, what the virus is, what's the motives of this cell, etc.

Commented on: September 1, 2013
Ascension

I'm not sure what to make of this story yet. It's decent writing, but the eye thing at the end was slightly confusing. Also, I didn't really get a full sense of Vienn or the other characters yet. A little more added to this chapter might make that a little better.

Commented on: August 31, 2013
Dear Me

Most of what I've posted here is first drafts of things so they are rough. I do have something a little more finalized that I'm in the process of editing so maybe when that's done I'll give you a shout. Feel free to read any of the things I have up on this site and tear it apart if you're in the mood :) I'll keep my eyes out for your upload on amazon.

Commented on: August 31, 2013
The Cryptic

The summary for this story made me want to read it, but there are some things you could do to make it a better read. First, make sure you are using proper grammar and capitalize the starts of every sentence and every I. There were a lot of "i did this" sort of thing in the story, so be sure that when you proof read you keep a lot out from ones you missed. Also there were a few points where you had a period in the sentence that seemed like you might have just hit it on accident. A minor editing mistake that can be easily fixed with another read through. Finally, some of your dialogue was done wrong. You have a period in the quotes followed by a comma outside of them. Use the period only if there is no speaking verb to follow (like said) and use a comma inside the quotes if there is. So instead of this: "This is a model sentence.", said Jim, it should be "This is a model sentence," said Jim. Next, I wouldn't use the caplocks for shouting. I had a very good mentor tell me that you should use descriptors in the sentence so we know she is shouting, say that she is shouting, or if you really want to emphasize it, use italics. Capitals should be reserved for extreme cases. At first I wasn't sure about that, but if you start looking at books you read you'll that's what a majority of authors do. So just a thought with that, do what you think is best. Finally, I think you could have put a little more into the end of this chapter. She just got stabbed by her parents. Use some details and description to give us a full sense of everything that she's feeling from pain, fear, confusion, anger, survival instincts, etc. Rather than just having her say "My dad just stabbed me!!!" describe it a little more. What does the pain feel like? How is her body reacting? etc. It will make this part of the story more powerful.

Commented on: August 31, 2013
The Keeper Chronicles: Hunt for the Blood Queen

I agree that it's not vital to the story but I liked it there. It felt natural to have it there and it helped me to connect to Velry's character. So I would leave it for now. Especially since my first reaction was "my word, her poor parents have now lost everyone..." it makes what happened to her even more tragic if she ends up returning home.

Commented on: August 31, 2013
Glitched

The story itself was very good, but there were a few things that made it a little difficult to read. First, use " " when talking not ' '. It took me a minute to realize the main character wasn't thinking or reliving a memory but was in the here and now. Next, a few of those stand-alone sentences could be put into a paragraph. It would make some of the more important points stand out more when you have it alone in its own paragraph. Then, I never got a real sense who the characters are. Not necessarily this is Jack and Diane and they are twenty-nine, but more how to picture them when I was reading. At first I just made my own assumptions, but then at the end when the jumper ended up being female it really threw me off since I was picturing a man. I would maybe think about either giving them some descriptions or leave it completely vague through the end so it doesn't shock the reader out of whatever assumptions they made on who these characters are.

Commented on: August 31, 2013
The Keeper Chronicles: Hunt for the Blood Queen

The second chapter is as good as the first. I really have nothing to critique in this other than maybe...just maybe...two sentences that felt a little off (one of them was about her brothers being snake bit). This is seriously wonderful and like my last comment, I can't wait for another update.

Commented on: August 31, 2013
Dear Me

I would prefer to support a self-publishing author rather than demand a free copy. It wouldn't be a bad idea to post a link to the book somewhere in the description. If this site allows that. I know at some point they are talking about allowing authors to set prices for their stories on here, so that may be a conflict of interest. But again, if it's already published I would love to support your effort and then review it on Amazon when I'm done.

Commented on: August 30, 2013
Dear Me

Well the little bit I read was very good. It would have been better had you submitted this as separate chapters instead of such a mammoth of a post.

Commented on: August 30, 2013
Hiring Season

This is really fun. I only have time right now to read the first chapter, but I intend to finish this. One thing to work on for future chapters is keeping your tenses all the same. There were maybe two or three points where you had a sentence in present tense while the rest was in past tense. I would also maybe take a little more time getting Chase's reaction before the other person appears demanding he find's winter's replacement. Maybe let him work a little and have her come at the end of the day. Then it wouldn't feel so rushed.

Commented on: August 29, 2013
Seven Days

Just finished it. Other than my critique above I only found a handful of little grammatical errors/awkward sentences. So very good. I really enjoyed this.

Commented on: August 29, 2013
Seven Days

This is good writing. The first chapter had enough in it where I wanted to keep reading and see what was going to happen. One editing thing would be to put some of those stand-alone sentences into an actual paragraph. There were many that should be in a paragraph and the few that were powerful enough of a statement to be a stand alone paragraph by itself would then be better emphasized.

Commented on: August 29, 2013
The Grounders

I wasn't able to really read this story since whatever program you originally wrote it on cut off half the words when you pasted it onto this site's text box for chapter uploads. Take a peek at the story and you'll see what I mean. Not sure how to fix this other than manually going in and fixing it.

Commented on: August 29, 2013
Should Have Been Mine

Have you considered making this into a larger piece? I think you could really do something interesting with having your character follow her former lover as a spirit. Even if it's just a short story or series, I think it would be wonderful.

Commented on: August 29, 2013
The Animals Know

This is a fun idea. I like your militant society that persecutes the strong instead of the weak. Overall the writing is decent. There are a few spots where the dialogue feels a little flat or a sentence is a bit choppy, but it's not overwhelming. So all in all I think you have a very nice beginning to your story and hope that you continue to develop this.

Commented on: August 29, 2013
The Keeper Chronicles: Hunt for the Blood Queen

My word, that was wonderful. I counted four little errors in the entire piece...and those were just minor ones where a word felt slightly awkward in the sentence. This had just the right amount of action, background, and a gloriously perfect amount of detail. My word, I'm gushing. This was very, very good. I am very much looking forward to updates.

Commented on: August 29, 2013
Cast Out

Thank you for catching the typos. I always think I get all of them but a few seemed to slip through. I'll go back and try to edit. Also, do you think that there needs to be more of an explanation in this first chapter of what's going on? Was there anything that you felt just didn't work or needed some more umph to it to make sense? Thanks for taking the time to read this and write a review. It is very very appreciated.

Commented on: August 28, 2013
Millennium Trinity

You have a very interesting start to this story and a lot of potential, but there is a lot you need to do to get its quality up. In this first chapter you have the monster of a paragraph right away in the beginning. That should really be a few paragraphs and the parts in there should really be better connected. I would reread that one and edit it to make it smoother and keep it from jumping from one thought to the next. Then, I would do a little more to build up the presence of Calumn (sp). He just appears out of nowhere at a teenage party and knows Ryan's name. I think that's worthy of at least a few lines of description. During important scenes don't be afraid to describe the character's surroundings, what he's feeling (using as many of the senses as you can), and how he reacts to the man's sudden appearance. Does his intuition kick in and start to make him feel uneasy? Or is he drunk and does that dull his reactions? Whatever the case may be, add to what you've written so we can more clearly see what you were picturing when you wrote it. Then I would add more to their conversation. When I read it, it really felt like "Hello! You don't know me but I know everything about you! Guess what, you're powerful so come with me!" A little more description, a little more back and forth and bam, it suddenly doesn't feel as dull as it currently does. The same comments could go for the part right after he gets the note. Give a little more of what Ryan is thinking and feeling when he reads the note before Calumn (sp) appears again. Do that and I think you'll have a really good first chapter.

Commented on: August 28, 2013
Word Thief

I've only read the prologue so far, so take that into account when you read this critique. First of all your dialogue isn't done correctly. You need punctuation at the end of the quotes. If it's followed by a speaking verb, like said for example, use a comma and then your end quote. If it's followed by a stand alone sentence then use a period. Example "Goodbye little 'un," he said...(Sorry if I didn't get your wording quite right). Next, I understand that this is your story and you can do what you want, but the concept of sending a baby off due to a planet exploding just feels too much like Superman. Like I said I haven't finished reading the story yet, but if there was some way you could get your character off the planet in some different way or write it with something a little more unique I think it would keep your readers from stopping after that first post. Those would be my only suggestions in order to improve this.

Commented on: August 28, 2013
Schism

Just finished the rest. I really enjoyed reading this though I feel it would be better labeled as a science fiction over fantasy. My main critique is that I know absolutely nothing about your character's appearance...or name for that matter. Heck, for the majority of the story I didn't even know if your character was a boy or a girl since 'dude' and 'man' could apply to either depending on how their said (and for Harding, I wouldn't be surprised if he used both with females). Otherwise the story really is engaging.

Commented on: August 28, 2013
Schism

Read through chapter 2 so far. I really liked the quotes you started with. It was a nice way to introduce some things into the story without having your character spell them out. I also love the description of drowning. Though there was a point in there where you talked about the bubbles always doing something (I can't remember the exact line) but it made it sound like your main character had almost drown a few times. I would cut out the 'always' in that sentence. The only other suggestions I have is that you add the same level of description from the start of the story to the end part where they are on the train and maybe give us an idea of how much time has passed since the drowning incident and the present.

Commented on: August 28, 2013
Stranger of the Mercy-Dale (old ver.)

So is this complete? If so, when you have it changed I'll review it too so you have a star rating. Yes, I know how hard writing in another language can be. I just moved to a different country and it's a struggle some days.

Commented on: August 28, 2013
Is This The End?

I was a little confused by the hyperlinks in your chapter...are we suppose to use them to see what you're talking about? Also be careful of your tenses. You have a few flip flops from past to present. Otherwise Rasine seems like an intense sort of girl. It will be interesting to see how she handles the outbreak you talk about in your summary.

Commented on: August 27, 2013
Another World

I like your main character, she has some sass to her. You also did well giving us some nice details while keeping the story moving. But after reading the first chapter a few things popped out to me as needing a little more attention. The first is that massive opening paragraph. It could definitely be split into two, maybe even three separate paragraphs. Next, I'm a stickler for being anatomically correct when it comes to wounds, fighting, and anything regarding the human body. So in the little flashback to where she's fighting and getting jabbed in the kidneys he would have to be hitting her in the back since they are a retroperitoneal organ. Maybe that is what he was doing, but from how I pictured it they were facing each other, she struck, he returned with a jab, and then blocked her next punch. I would change kidneys to stomach. Sorry if that seems overly picky but again being anatomically correct is a pet peeve of mine. Also watch using a period to end your speaking bits when they are followed up with a "I said, she whispered, he barked, etc. Use a comma in those instances. Finally, I would put another space between your paragraphs so it's a little easier to read. Otherwise, the first chapter was an entertaining read.

Commented on: August 27, 2013
Hobbes City

I have only read the first chapter but you've done a really nice job with the dialogue. There wasn't too much I can say in way of a critique with this chapter. It's written well and works as a nice introduction.

Commented on: August 27, 2013
Isopeak Red

Wow. That was very good storytelling. Your narrative voice is perfect for this genre and the intensity you built up in Cyrus' panic was perfect. There are a few awkward sentences mixed throughout the piece (the second paragraph, a little bit when she's digging in her closet, etc), but that would just take a little editing to fix. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the story and believe me I am VERY critical of mystery novels and if their deaths, forensics, and casework is at all based in reality. But this chapter was wonderful besides those few spots. Wonderful job.

Commented on: August 27, 2013
Stranger of the Mercy-Dale (old ver.)

This was a very action packed chapter. You kept it interesting and moving though I would suggest adding a little more detail to a few sections. The first is when he goes to the bar and the magic weaver mayor guy starts throwing stones. It didn't make complete sense to me and could use another sentence or two linking that to when he leaves his home after seeing his wife with another man. The same goes for when he confronts the man (sorry, the names are too hard to remember how to spell them for the sake of the comment). I assume you'll be putting more information on exactly what's going on in the world you've created in the next chapter, but it wouldn't be a bad idea to have a little more on that in this first chapter as well. It would just clarify what sort of situation the main character is in. Otherwise I enjoyed this story. It looks like a action-filled, bloody type of fantasy which is always a great break from the more romance-based fantasies. Nice work.

Commented on: August 27, 2013
Changes Are Bound To Happen

I am really enjoying the flash-back concept. It's fun the way you're having them in each chapter. Again, just a few sentences that didn't make much sense, but nothing that really made it hard to follow what was happening in the story. Also, you talk about "the old man" taking her phone...if its her dad you might want to say "her old man". Her old man conveys a family type relationship, the old man made me think of some creepy guy keeping her captive in her house.

Commented on: August 27, 2013
Changes Are Bound To Happen

Just read the first chapter. All in all it's pretty good writing. There was one sentence about the Jennifers that was a little confusing, but other than that it was clear and easy to follow. One thing that did throw me a bit was a kid in elementary school talking about how their classmates talk about perverted stuff. Maybe I'm just too old, but that seems more like a middle school sort of thing to say. Just maybe a thought for changing either their age to be just a bit older or the dialogue to be a bit more like a 10 year old...unless I'm outdated. Then ignore that comment :)

Commented on: August 27, 2013
Ops 9 - Memory

A very good opening chapter. I like Gillian's voice in this. She's a great example of a very strong female and her cynicism fits in well. The ending also made me wish that you had another chapter up now, so nice work in getting it so the reader doesn't want to set your story down. The only thing I caught in terms of editing is that occasionally you use a period in your dialogue rather than a comma when going into a "he said, she said" type sentence. Nothing major and you didn't do it consistently, so I assume it just missed proof reading. Otherwise this was very well written. Well done.

Commented on: August 26, 2013
Living Through the Ghost

I can tell you already that there is a huge difference between this one and the last. And again, I don't want that to make it seem like the last one was bad. The story was really good, but just had a few things to flesh out a bit more. This one, though, has already really shown your skills and kept true to the way you tell your stories. You really are good at keeping the story flowing without it getting bogged down in tiny little facts (something I'm horrible at). So keep it up. I'll be looking for the next chapter :)

Commented on: August 26, 2013
Dragon's Maze

Just finished chapter 1. This was a very clean story with really good writing. There were only maybe two typos I caught, but considering that you probably don't have a professional editor I would say that's pretty dang good. I really liked the amount of detail you gave us and how you described Devi and her life, though I would love to know more about the dragons. Obviously this isn't "our" world since she's thinking about dragons as if they are around and real. I'm sure, though, that it will come more in the later chapters. One thing I would watch is that a few paragraphs felt a little choppy. Nothing wrong with them, just a matter of flow. Otherwise very nice work.

Commented on: August 26, 2013
The fall of man, the rise of heroes

This is a good start. You have a nice idea here that could really be good but it was a little difficult to read due to the formatting. I would suggest separating your paragraphs with another space just so it's not so cramped. It would make it a little easier to read and not look so jumbled. I hope you continue this since I'm interested to see what being a champion entails :)

Commented on: August 26, 2013
Carriers

This is a great idea for a story. Obviously this is not a zombie novel, but I really am a fan of the whole "patient zero" concept. A few things to consider for your writing in general: 1. There were lots of points where you used a capitalized first letter after the dialogue when it should have been lower case. Picky, I know, but as a reader it catches my eye and makes me stop reading since it doesn't look right. An example would be the first bit of speaking with the "Shay, you have ten minutes..." Her mom - It should be 'her mom'. 2. There are a few spots where the word choice was just a little off. There's no good way to fix this other than reading it over and over and over and reading it slowly since you know what you want it to say and that will make your mind automatically miss some things that should be edited (hence the reason publishing houses have professional editors). Just one example so you know what I'm talking about is when Shay leans against the wall at the CDC and is "gazing on..." the 'on' just doesn't sound right. Again, a picky comment but something to consider. 3. A few little typos (ie Feed instead of feet) that spell check won't catch. Other than that this was an engaging first chapter. The idea of the story really intrigues me. So very good job of getting your readers sucked in.

Commented on: August 26, 2013
A Demon's Fate

This is very dark. You have a very intelligent way of writing but there are a few sentences here or there that don't make much sense. Otherwise it was a great first chapter. If you had the second one up I would be reading it immediately.

Commented on: August 25, 2013
Cor Fortium

Your descriptions are superb. This is one of the few stories I read on here that doesn't just breeze over the details of people and locations. On top of that, you had a nice rhythm to your storytelling. Nice work.

Commented on: August 25, 2013
Two Broken

This was impressive. Powerful with a sad undertone to it. I really enjoyed it. It would be wonderful if you found a way to connect them a bit more into a sequence (like your summary says you might do), but even just as little bits and pieces I really enjoyed this.

Commented on: August 25, 2013
Living Through the Ghost

I like that you have Jayce narrating this time. It's a fun switch up. Also your descriptions and details are much, much better in these two chapters. Your summary of the last book was very good and thorough and the second chapter left me smiling. Looks like Simon might be out of the picture at least for now :)

Commented on: August 25, 2013
First Contact

I will be the first to admit I'm not a huge fan of present tense for a story, but you did it well. The first chapter is a little too short to get a good read on where you're taking this story but it was a nice introduction into the world and some of the characters. So nice start.

Commented on: August 25, 2013
The Host

I'll be doing a review of this as well, but I would rather put critiques in the comment section rather than a review. I'm going to start with some things that as a reader threw me off/just didn't work as well as it could have and put the rest in the review. My very first thing is the very first sentence. Pulchritudinous. That is a mouthful and not a very common word. I know when I have talked with people in the "business" of novels they often say stay away from words like that since a majority of people won't know what it is and it will turn them off. Next, I would split up your paragraphs with who is speaking. That second paragraph is massive. It would be easier to read if you broke it up a bit. Also it would allow you get away with not always saying Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie every other sentence since we would know she is the one talking and making comments or doing things by the format of the paragraph. Also with your dialogue if you are using a speaking verb like said, exclaimed, murmured, etc you don't put a full stop in the quotes. Example "Here's some food." Said Stephanie should look like "Here's some food," said Stephanie. So use a comma when you are going to be using the speaking verbs. Otherwise, aside from the above, I really enjoyed this. I have never read any Stephanie Meyers so I can't comment if this was anything like her story, but the bit at the end all made it worthwhile.

Commented on: August 25, 2013
Dreamwalker

Yea, chapter two!! I don't know what it is, but I'm kinda rooting for Jesse. Don't get me wrong, Aidan is all sorts of yumminess, but there is that bad boy thing which I'm sure will have a nice past to back it up. One thing I will say in way of a critique is that prior to the audition scene some of the classroom interactions felt a little flat. I think a nice way to spice it up would be to use Aidan's entrance with Jules as an opportunity to give us a little more of a reaction from Emma. Like the sort of 'their eyes met, hearts thumping, pulses racing, blushes building, etc, etc' descriptions. I think something along those lines would add a bit more to the front of the chapter and give your readers yet another opportunity to build-up some sort of opinion on the boys.

Commented on: August 25, 2013
Becky Black and the Magica

Just finished the first chapter. Overall it was pretty good. One thing I would be careful of is how similar some things are to the first chapter of Harry Potter. Obviously your story is different, but if you were in the mindset of getting this published somewhere you would probably have to tweak it a bit so it wasn't as close as what it is. Other than that I think you have a nice start to the story. I'm interested to see what sort of person Rebecca will turn out to be.

Commented on: August 25, 2013
Desert Heart

This was great. I really wish there was another chapter. Looking foward to the next.

Commented on: August 25, 2013
The Taken

Chapter three had a really nice bit of description about the Shire and the States, but I almost feel it could have come earlier in the story. Maybe chapter two? Also a little section linking the paragraph about the gifts to the next one would be good. I had to read if twice to understand what was happening. The final few paragraphs a nice and vivid. A good bit of detail there. But again I'll say that if you put a little more description into chapter one and two about what's going on the whole drama of three would seem greater/more significant. Just a thought.

Commented on: August 25, 2013
The Taken

Chapter two was even better than the first. One suggestion would give us a little more information on what exactly they're doing there. I get that it's a lab and that they are testing children but does Rye have any idea why? And what kind of tests? It would just add to the overall suspense that you create at the end of the chapter when she and Sam are taken away.

Commented on: August 25, 2013
The Taken

The first chapter is really good in that it makes me want to know more of what's going on. Where is she? Why does she have to stay five more years? Who is Lucifer and Nanni to her? etc, etc. It's very engaging. One thing to watch for is your tenses. There weren't many issues with this, but I did find a few spots where you flipped from past tense to present. So just be careful when you post other chapters to watch for it.

Commented on: August 25, 2013
Dreamwalker

I really liked this story. Aiden and Jesse are straight up babes while Emma is that perfect mix of adorable and sassy. Good characters with this one and really good writing. Hope that you continue to update.

Commented on: August 24, 2013
Ghost of Days Gone By

Not a problem. Like I said, I really am enjoying reading this, but there are just some glitches that come with the first few drafts. Once you see where there are some inconstancies you can fix them for future postings/publication. On that note, I think you can do the whole Anna memory thing a lot earlier on. Like my one comment above where she seemed to just know things. If you have her question how she even knew to ask that it sets the stage for what's going on at the end. I would also watch this whole loss of powers talk. You keep mentioning it in the late 20's for chapters despite everyone around her knowing she saw at least one ghost and is having these dreams. Maybe she's not in her full power, but that doesn't seem very "normal human" to me. Almost finished now with the story, so I'll give you a final review and rate it once I'm done. Hopefully you'll get more reads of this since it is a captivating storyline.

Commented on: August 23, 2013
Ghost of Days Gone By

Where are Emma's parents? Why haven't the doctors contacted them especially since I can imagine that a 15 year old girl doesn't have her own insurance? HIPPA only goes so far when a minor is involved in some sort of attack...where are the police? Even if Emma lied and said that she fell or something to break her leg I'm not convinced that she's that good at lying and any medical personnel would be forced to report to the county at the very least some sort of suspected abuse as a mandated reporter (since lying about being beaten is a trademark of abuse...whereas lying about being beaten by a stranger would be, well, odd in real life). So again, no parents, no police, no adults...Where are Mason's parents for that matter? Why is he in charge of everything even if he's the highest rank? He is still a child. Details, my friend. More details to make this more plausible.

Commented on: August 23, 2013
Ghost of Days Gone By

In chapter 25. What's the timeline here? Because from what I got it's been a month? Maybe a little bit more? These are some intense friendships that have been built in that time to be throwing the L word around like that. Perhaps my perspective on this is biased from where I grew up, but I don't even say I love you to my best friend of 25 + years. This might make a little more sense if you actually gave readers more information on these hunters and what they could do/who they are. As of now they are three people with guns. Scary, yes, but just three people against a dozen? Maybe more? Plus this government they are supposedly working for? That's a whole lot of fear for three people. And a whole lot of "Let's make sure everyone knows that I love them because today might be my last" sort of exchanges. Again, add some detail, description, and background to help make this make sense.

Commented on: August 23, 2013
Ghost of Days Gone By

Another thing to clarify is Anna's memory. In the start of the story she is delightfully clueless of what her dad is doing almost right in front of her in terms of his job...despite being 15, which is a little insane considering they lived in haunted houses. Now though in chapter 22 she isn't remember things or is questioning her life? Ummm....why? There is no place in the story where she either starts doubting her memories/past or she losses her memories. Also, why hasn't she tried to contact her father more? OR ask her mother? Where the hell is her mother? And why isn't she around, like ever? Why doesn't she seem to care that her daughter whom it seems she only sees once a year is living with her again? Unless Anna means nothing to her and only her husband is important to her. Bad mother of the year award. Also, everyone seems pretty worried about Anna. They know who/what she is and are looking out for her and no one else finds this strange? Not even Seth, who by the story's admission has no powers, isn't curious as to why Mason, Simon, Emma, Bethany, etc are freaking out at points over a girl they met only a few days ago? Sorry if these comments are getting a little harsh. You have a great idea here, but it needs to be smoothed out a bit. I really like this story and would love to see it flawless.

Commented on: August 23, 2013
Ghost of Days Gone By

Chapter 21 now. This comment might be irrelevant if later chapters show there's a reason for this, but there are sure an awfully lot of electric green eyes and emerald eyes, etc. If this is a trait amongst the gifted, awesome. I'm sure it will be explained later. If not, you might want to think about changing some of the coloring of the characters since green is not that common of an eye color and for the majority of characters to have it isn't very realistic. Another thing worth clarifying is this whole Armory place. The "club" made it seem like it was at the school...not sure where you grew up but my high school definitely didn't have a shooting range despite being in a very hunting oriented community. So a little clarification on if this is a school organization or not, how it's related to the government, and who the hell these hunters are (are they enemies of the American Government that is in control of this division of gifted human beings??). I just say that last bit to point out that if we are talking actual American/Federal government having control of a group of people/employing them I would assume anyone that "hunts" them would be an enemy to said government...thus an enemy to America. It opens a whole can of worms of are these hunters other gifted people from, say, Russia or China? Are they some sort of anarchy group or rebels hoping to injure the government? Or are they a group of people who somehow learned other people have special powers, hate those special people, and kill them like terrorist/racist groups do without knowing that secretly they are working for the government. And wouldn't the government then protect these gifted people who surely must be an asset, thus making groups of hunters a very unlikely thing to be hanging around a hub of gifted activity? That's at least what popped into my head when I read the last two chapters and its the sort of thing that would make me set this book down to be honest. I get that fantasy novels are, well, fantasy but there has to be a level of logic on what's happening especially when it comes to potential enemies. To me, if these people are so gifted, can tell the future, know all there is to know about someone, etc, AND they worked for the government, well the men and women in power would stand to gain an awful lot by keeping the gifted people alive and eliminating any group that wanted to see them dead. More explanation and detail is needed to make this seem plausible and thus add to the story.

Commented on: August 23, 2013
Ghost of Days Gone By

Oh, and just one more thought on Mason. I didn't like how he gave away what he can do so readily. If he really does like to control people using what he knows against him it would be more realistic that he makes Anna think he could know EVERYTHING without limitations. Again, something that later another character or event could prove wrong...just a thought.

Commented on: August 23, 2013
Ghost of Days Gone By

Alright, in chapter 15 now so you have an idea of where I'm at for reference. The story is moving along nicely, but a few things bugged me. The first was that although Anna had no idea about her gift or that there were other gifts in the world she sometimes asks questions using terms never once mentioned before. Like being Shadow kissed. I could see maybe she got something from one of the books she read or maybe overheard her father saying something, but it would be good to take the time an add a sentence or two where she recalls knowing something about this. Otherwise make her completely ignorant. As a reader not knowing what powers are possible in the world you've created it would also benefit me to know more about them. One idea (take or leave it) would be to have Alexander give her a full run down on what the world is really like and what kind of powers he had seen. That way the readers will have an idea of what's going on when new things come up and it will make sense for Anna to have the knowledge as well. My next comment would be Mason. Mason, Mason, Mason. He sounds yummy in a potential love triangle role..which, sidebar, seems to be a little Alexander, Mason, Simon right now, so maybe a love square?..anyways he seemed a little unrealistic. Not in his power. I like the idea that he just knows things, but the way he acts. It might be that the part introducing him was sort of rushed in that there wasn't much detail added with their conversation that's making me feel this way...idk. What I do know is that him walking in, spouting off a whole bunch of stuff, and immediately trying to manipulate Anna with threats just didn't work. I think it could work since have unlimited access to information would be a very corrupting sort of power and I'm sure that he never has had to be sneaky about blackmailing people, but you need more information around this. Let Anna give us her thoughts. Maybe have her get some sort of warning from Alexander at some point before this about how some powers make people act horribly (i.e. Mason threatening to essentially embarrass Anna to get her to comply...before even asking nicely...). I think if there was a little more build up, a little more information, and some descriptions/details added between the conversations this wouldn't be an issue. Also, Anna at times seems very smart and intuitive with her comments yet can't even recognize that Alexander is probably a dead relative of Simon? I might be making a bad assumption with that since it hasn't been revealed, but it seems that's where you're going. I love strong, smart, female characters so it would be nice for her to connect the dots a little bit more or at least have suspicions about this crazy new world that has suddenly taken over what she thought she knew. This is also a nice way to get information to readers without spoon-feeding us explanations. A little speculation here, a few reflections there, and bam the readers suddenly know more about your universe and how things work so you're free to let the magic happen. Finally, I know I said this above, but I'll say it again since it's worth mentioning: Don't use speaking verbs after every single line of dialogue. I know you want to put in the body language their using so we can picture it, but sometimes it's unnecessary and slows down the pace of the story. Use it when you need the emphasis, but often the conversation is written well enough without all the sighs, nods, shrugs, rolling eyes, etc that I am already picturing it and the tone that goes along with the gesture. Be confident in your dialogue that you don't feel you have to bog it down with excessive he saids, she saids, she sighed, she commented intelligently, she expressed curiously, etc. If you want a good example to get an idea look up any classic novel and find a bit of conversation and really focus on how the author gets the emotions of the conversation through to the reader without writing it out in black and white. So that's it for now. Again, hopefully you'll find these comments helpful if you ever feel like trying to publish.

Commented on: August 23, 2013
Ghost of Days Gone By

Two things maybe worth looking into if you're planning on editing this story ever for future postings/publications; 1. Don't feel you need to always say who's saying what if two characters are going back and forth. I've noticed that a lot in chapter 2 and 3. 2. In the third chapter you have Anna telling Emma and Bethany about a storm...that happened in their own town? I might have missed it but wouldn't they know all about the storm and remember it if people's homes were destroyed? Maybe edit it so Anna is recalling the details of the storm for the readers benefit but then when talking just talks about Seth. Just a thought. Otherwise, still a very good story.

Commented on: August 22, 2013
Ghost of Days Gone By

This is very good. I'm going to wait until I finish it to review it, but after the first chapter I'm a little surprised that no one else has read this. I like the possibilities this story has...and the delicious looking ghost ;)

Commented on: August 22, 2013
Encounter

Thank you! If you end up reading more, let me know if there is anything you would fix or change. Hopefully I'll have a few more chapters up soon.

Commented on: August 22, 2013
Encounter

Thank you! If you keep reading let me know if it does end up getting cliche.

Commented on: August 22, 2013
Better Half of Us

A good beginning. I hope you expand more on the the Dark and Light concept and give us more background as the story progresses.

Commented on: August 22, 2013
The Others

This is really good. Like very good. It would be something that I would see in a book store, read the first chapter, and probably buy. Obviously there are a few format things from taking this from your FictionPress account and putting it on here, but that would be the only complaint. I hope you write another story soon.

Commented on: August 22, 2013
Protector of Hearts, Guardian of Light

Each chapter gets progressively better. Keep working on this. I think it will end up being a very good story.

Commented on: August 22, 2013
Why Me?

This is so witty, I love it. I've only gotten through the first chapter, but your narrative voice has my grinning like an idiot at my computer screen. Loving it.

Commented on: August 22, 2013
Dead Sands

You set up your story pretty well. I liked the intro where you explained all the Egyptian mythology since I would have had no clue otherwise. One thing to watch for is using the wrong word (ie nationally rather than nationality). Those little things won't get picked up by spell check but end up making a reader focus on that little mistake more than what's being said. Just a suggestion. Otherwise, this was a very clean, edited piece and I'll be watching for the next chapter.

Commented on: August 22, 2013
Anansi and the Bone Thief

This took a turn I didn't expect. At first it was so humorous and light and then it got really, really dark. Is this just a prologue with more chapters to follow or is it a stand alone piece? Overall, I would say you've got a talent for doing the unexpected.

Commented on: August 22, 2013
Xanthos and the Soul Demon

I really enjoyed reading this since it reminded me of how myths were told in the old story books I read as a child. It made me smile the entire time I was reading it. One thing that would make it easier to read is if instead of blocking off sections into big paragraphs, use a more typical format where you have new paragraphs with each new speaker. At times I had to reread sections since I mistakenly thought someone else was talking and the dialogue didn't make sense for that character to be saying it. That would be my only suggestion for this. Otherwise nice work.

Commented on: August 22, 2013
Life of Death

Well the story really sucked you in, that's for sure. You did a very nice job of making Lynne's emotions feel real. That's not something a lot of people can do easily, but with everything I read there was some underlying feeling that came off clear as day. So that's very very good. One thing that kept catching my eye in terms of fixes is some dialogue writing. For example you're writing things like this: "Have a nice day." She said. It should be structured like this: "Have a nice day," she said. Don't use a period in when you're going to be putting a speaking verb in. Use a comma. Another thing worth looking at is putting some of those single sentences with the dialogue into a paragraph from. This is just for the part where one person is speaking and Lynne, for example, doesn't answer but does some sort of action in response, like sighing. That can be in the same paragraph (i.e. "Blah blah blah," Danny said, causing Lynne to sigh in frustration). Obviously write it your way, but something along those lines. It would make those sections easier to read. Otherwise, I think you have a nice start. Don't give up on this one and keep working on it. It's got potential.

Commented on: August 21, 2013
Insignificant

You have a lot of great things going with this. It actually wasn't what I was expecting, though that's a good thing. The only real suggestion I have is to maybe read it aloud one time since there are a few spots here or there that don't flow as smoothly as the rest of the story. Obviously none of us catch everything with proof reading, but that's probably the only thing I noticed. Otherwise this was delightfully unexpected :)

Commented on: August 21, 2013
Alyss of Wonderland

Alright, it read a lot easier than your other story I have commented on. I would say that there are a few spots where you have single lines as separate paragraphs that could probably be combined, but otherwise nothing really to say in terms of structure. I liked the beginning of this story a lot. It really created a nice creepy feeling that had tragedy written all over it. I feel like some of the dialogue could be a little more powerful (especially with the Cheshire Cat in the first chapter), but I'm not sure how you would do that. Maybe a little more emotional descriptions or something. Otherwise, good start!

Commented on: August 21, 2013
Gray of Twilight

Since you asked for comments I'm going to make this thorough. I'll start by saying you have a decent foundation for a story that I could see myself really enjoying on one of those perfect rainy afternoons where all you want to do is snuggle up with a book. But that being said there are improvements you can make. First, I would like to say your opening paragraph is a bit hard to follow. Yes, it has great information about the town and helps us orient ourselves to the story, but it was choppy. I would maybe look into editing that one, restructuring, etc. For example, the bit about Twilight Falls might be a bit better if you start Gray out in the town so you would have a reason to fully describe it. Then It would be easy to picture what was going on. That would also give you a chance to describe Gray earlier than the part where she sticks her head into her dad's study. Next, don't be afraid of a little more description. I know traditionally young adult novels generally are pretty light on the description but knowing what Elaine looks like, or her dad, would be a nice touch. Your dialogue is fun to read, but don't feel like you need to put a speaking verb (i.e. he said, she said, etc) after every one. The exchange between her and her father for example could go back in forth after you established who was speaking without all of that. I know it's tempting to write in every little emotion, but often we can get a sense for it by the words themselves. Another handy little trick is instead of using a speaking verb and then saying something like Gray said annoyed, describe it. For example: Gray frowned, her eyes rolling after her father spoke. "Blah blah blah blah." Look at some of your favorite books for examples of what they do and try to imitate. It can be helpful just to break the habit. One thing I think you could have done is made this chapter two separate chapters. If you add some more girth to the first bit, you can start the second chapter with the Grey seeing her dad really being in love. It just caught me off guard when she ran off and then suddenly came back and everything was great and a few weeks later. I would maybe talk about what she did in Twilight Falls when she ran off, what did she think about, who did she talk to. That would also help us know more about the town. Then don't rush her meeting the love interest. When she bumps into him don't just breeze over his description. He's the thing that your readers are going to swoon over (I assume) so give us something worth swooning over!! Not saying to make Gray fall in love immediately like a horrible Bella and Edward thing, but at least let us know why he'll be worth the attention later on. So there you have it. That's my long critique. Hopefully it's not a ton of things that won't be helpful. Like I said this has a decent skeleton that just needs a little more meat to it. Looking forward to the next chapter.

Commented on: August 21, 2013
FReEdOM

Excellent. I'll keep reading as you post!

Commented on: August 21, 2013
FReEdOM

I like the idea of this story, but you have some editing to do before it's really good. Mainly some grammar things that end up distracting from the story rather than helping it read easily. I think this would be amazing with a little more detail added and editing of the first chapter.

Commented on: August 21, 2013
The Fallen

You write beautifully and set a very dark but very good tone for your story. I'm looking forward to seeing more.

Commented on: August 21, 2013

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