Sparkatale

The one critique I have of this chapter is there are times where you miss a word in a non-dialogue situation...and since that is really confusing here's an example - Made him look like the sort of guy who wanted what he wanted now... - Now having a character speak in that way, sort of choppy and brusque, is wonderful, but having the narration that way is a little offsetting to read. You can write how you want, but as a reader it made me stop reading and look at it for a moment since it doesn't follow the normal rhythm and rules of narration. Which means it took me out of the beautifully descriptive world you've created and the otherwise wonderful writing for a few seconds and interrupted the story. And to be completely honest it's things like that if they are consistently happening that make me stop reading a story and not want to pick it up again.

Well, I'm sorry if you don't find that style of narration appealing. I've already got a lot of the story written, and Paul's narrative voice is pretty consistent throughout. The basic idea is that even when it's not dialogue, he's still talking. Some things have been toned down a little as the story goes on, though. I'm glad that you liked the rest of it. Hopefully you'll keep reading and enjoy the Twists of the plot. :)

Nothing to apologize for. That's your choice as the author. Just know that it might turn some readers off rather than appealing to a broader audience. Obviously taking a different tone and narrative voice can be successful in a marketplace, like Catch-22 or even Green Grass Running Water, as different can be refreshing, but it can also be a bit of an uphill battle if you're trying to get published in the traditional way. Publishers don't like to take risks on things that they aren't sure will sell and if you have an editor reading your work and they don't enjoy it could present potential obstacles. It's just something to think about as you continue to develop your stories. And I might continue to read this. Like I said I enjoyed everything but the narrative voice in this. So I'll probably read more than the first two chapters my next rainy day.

I was drawn to this story for my first critique by the title—very intriguing.(Long dash made with ALT 0151 on the number pad). I really like how much characterization we got of Mr. Delong from telling about the wizard's tower. That was clever. [Even where real magic exists, even among people that use it and know what it can and can't do, people still resort to superstition rather than rationality to explain things that don't make all that much sense at first glance.]- That's quite an insightful observation for something that doesn't actually exist. Coming up with that is very creative. ["The Twist turns as it wills"]- Haha. The Twister is a conman. The imprisoned girl turning into an angel or something similar at the end is an interesting 'twist'. I like the narrator and am interested in continuing reading.

>Haha. The Twister is a conman. "Conman" is such an ugly word. I'm sure Paul would greatly prefer the term "social engineer." ;) Glad you enjoyed it! I hope you like the rest of the chapters too...

I want moar! not much else to say other than make sure to read my post in your thread on the forum.

I think the thing turned out really well on the whole. it could use some editing just to make it a smoother read(it's hard to tell sometimes what kind of narration you have going on or what you're referencing with the cultural stuff) but I was constantly looking forward to what came next so I hope to read more of this and any other works you write in the near future.