Sparkatale

What a gruesome man the guy in the lab is. The heartless, clinical scientist is a common character in sci-fi but this one...shudder. He just told Cassie she would die with absolutely no emotion. Of course, the others didn't seem that upset by her plight either, concentrating on themselves. But it felt natural, like that's what most people would do in a a similar situation. I wonder if there would be a way to tell how Shay is feeling without using the word 'pain' so much. It registered with me on its third appearance in just the first two chapters. [A look of stress plagued his face, hovering over the aged man like a dark storm cloud.]- I love this line. Hovering just seems to have so many meanings in this case. It suggests something ominous, alludes to the virus in the air itself and, of course, in a way he's hovering over them right now on the screen that they have to look up to see. [She wanted to hear was much as she could]- I believe that should be 'as' instead of 'was' [she’d found he could but just as ruthless with her words as she could.]- Should that be 'be' instead of 'but'? I think that the disgruntled employee isn't so much that as a person with a conscience. It will be interesting to see if he becomes an ally.

[wafting smell of waffles.] You had me with this phrase. I love good alliteration. [upmost caution,]- That should be utmost. [flickered from she to Carson and back again]- I found a couple of mistakes in objective and subjective pronouns. Here it would be 'her' rather than 'she'. You have a real talent for description. Do you use photos of people as the basis for your characters? [The deeper her and her friends traveled into the CDC]- This one would be 'she'. An original beginning to a story. It's very visual and most of the characters were easy to keep in order because you'd characterized them and their relationships really well.

Thanks for the critique. I thought that the names Noah and Ham in the second sentence was enough indication of the subject matter. Yes, Yahweh is historically the name that Old Testament people had for their god and I've always thought it was cool. The biblical story is so vague and thin, I'm excited about putting some meat on its bones.

I was drawn to this story for my first critique by the title—very intriguing.(Long dash made with ALT 0151 on the number pad). I really like how much characterization we got of Mr. Delong from telling about the wizard's tower. That was clever. [Even where real magic exists, even among people that use it and know what it can and can't do, people still resort to superstition rather than rationality to explain things that don't make all that much sense at first glance.]- That's quite an insightful observation for something that doesn't actually exist. Coming up with that is very creative. ["The Twist turns as it wills"]- Haha. The Twister is a conman. The imprisoned girl turning into an angel or something similar at the end is an interesting 'twist'. I like the narrator and am interested in continuing reading.