Sparkatale

My word, that was wonderful. I counted four little errors in the entire piece...and those were just minor ones where a word felt slightly awkward in the sentence. This had just the right amount of action, background, and a gloriously perfect amount of detail. My word, I'm gushing. This was very, very good. I am very much looking forward to updates.

The second chapter is as good as the first. I really have nothing to critique in this other than maybe...just maybe...two sentences that felt a little off (one of them was about her brothers being snake bit). This is seriously wonderful and like my last comment, I can't wait for another update.

Thanks! It means a lot that you're enjoying the story. I'll definitely go back in and reexamine the brother section. To be quite honest, I'm thinking about removing all mention just for the fact it's not vital to the story. I was just trying to provide more background to Velry, but I feel like the entire mention feels out of place, not just the phrasing. What do you think?

I agree that it's not vital to the story but I liked it there. It felt natural to have it there and it helped me to connect to Velry's character. So I would leave it for now. Especially since my first reaction was "my word, her poor parents have now lost everyone..." it makes what happened to her even more tragic if she ends up returning home.

Alright, I just got done with chapter one of your story. I have to say that I'm impressed. You have put a lot of thought into your world and what goes into it. Rarely do I find unpublished authors who have fully worked out the lore to their story before writing it, which is an impressive foresight on your part. That being said I have mixed feelings on one part, which is the transitions between how she arrived there and her time spent there. That doesn't mean it's bad, but I'm not used to that kind of transition. It was implemented well enough though and I like that you kept it focused on one character the entire chapter, too often do I see three character transitions in one chapter. I have one or two things to nitpick about, one of which being just a few typos that I spotted, but that's forgivable. I mean c'mon, we're still human. Though the other one I would nitpick is swearing. Now I'm not the kind of guy who goes "No swearing is the devil and you should never do it!" That's just not me. Though there was a point, I believe it was "You piece of shit bastard" was the exact quote. In a fantasy setting swearing is fine if you understand the swears that were used during the period it is supposedly set in. To me that quote is probably about as far away as you could get before it gets into something that would break the immersion of the reader. So my suggestion for chapter one so far is to be careful when you drop a swear word because that might give the reader pause. Now then, about the writing itself. I quite enjoyed it, you have a way with setting up tension in a scene. I had a bit of a flashback moment with your demon-type monsters when you revealed them at first, haha. It almost felt like I had spotted my vampire again, but great minds think alike I suppose. Overall I had fun reading chapter one and I look forward to the other chapters.

Thanks for critique. Honestly, the swearing bit was added to give contrast between Niek and Velry, one prim and proper, the other a lit firecracker. I suppose there could be better ways to approach the juxtaposition, but it's also part of Niek's character. I'll mull over some options to make it the flow continue and not bog down on words not fitting for the period.

So far, as it stands, the swearing is fine in all honesty. But it's something to be aware about because a lot of swear words as we know them today -didn't exist-. So if someone drops some modern slang it'll break the immersion. Just something to be wary about, nothing really needing too much changing.

Alright. Thanks for the insight!

Alright sorry for the wait. I just got done with chapter two, read it, liked it. So far this is looking to be really interesting, I enjoyed the part where Niek got angry when her supposed "heresy" was called into question. If I have one suggestion it might be, so far, to try and keep Niek's emotions a little less...fickle I believe the word is? So far she's a good character but I might work to try and keep her emotions a little less up and down, unless of course that is something that is going to be called into question later. In which case I would say keep it up and really focus on a lack of control of her emotions. Otherwise this was a good chapter and I'm looking forward to more.