Sparkatale

I'm just going to list some of the mistakes I came across, and then I'll get to the actual feedback and critique, just for simplicity's sake:

"I was always was a rather lonely person"

"In our glistening white body armor we would stood out like sore thumbs"

"Our issued armor" (you missed the D)

"As we slogged slowly through the crowded transit way I got a good long look at the massive skyscrapers with cast shadows over my entire world" Should be "which", but I also think this sentence could have used a bit more punctuation, such as commas, such as after "transit way", and after "good" and "long". Otherwise, it feels a bit like a run-on sentence.

"above us the pale moon hung low obscured slightly by the dense cloud cover above" The sentence structure needs work, and needs punctuation at the appropriate intervals.

"We paid the tab and then quickly strode off towards the building, as we drew up to the front I saw the massive sign above the entrance: Inersia Central Intelligence." The part I bolded should probably be the start of another sentence, not divided by a comma.

The italicized section (which I assume is a flashback), requires some tweaking as well; punctuation where necessary, and rather than putting sounds between stars, showing what's happening. Show vs. Tell.

Now, all that aside, I think this started off promisingly enough; it just needs some minor adjustments to tighten it up. I'm actually quite surprised that more people haven't commented; it's a shame, really, because this does look like it's going to be an interesting read.

Keep at it, and don't get discouraged; we all have to start somewhere, right? :)

Thank you for bringing these errors to my attention, they have since been corrected.

"Issue armour" refers to a type of armour in this case, rather then just armour that has been selected for distribution. It is used in a similar fashion to how I could have described it as "heavy armour" or "Specialist equipment."

Thanks for taking the time to help me review these chapters.

No trouble at all; I know how easy it is to miss these things, especially when you've combed over them so often, you become sort of desensitized to them.

And ah, I see; I started to suspect as much by the second chapter (about the Issue armour). Sorry, my bad. ^^;

I'll be sure to read more. It's been very interesting thus far, and I imagine it gets better from here.

Nicely done on the descriptions, both of the surroundings in contrast to Colonel Summers' garb, and in reference to the sounds of her armour with each movement.

Came across a typo: you put "hanger" instead of "hangar", when you were referring to the hangar bay.

Good attention to detail on the environment; you seem to have a gift for expression. :)

It's also obvious that you've put a lot of time and effort into the overall plot, the characters, and the cities.

"during the day its shadow covered the whole of Belaria, its closest neighbor, in shadow" <--Just thought I'd point out another one of those 'two sentences in one' things that crop up from time-to-time.

Aside from a few minor errors here or there, I'm genuinely interested to learn about Colonel Summers' memory loss, and to learn more about this friend her thoughts keep wandering to. You've created an engaging plot, and with the little tidbits you've given about her memories, you've got hooking down to a science. Looking forward to seeing what I'll learn in the next chapter. :)

Good attention to detail, though a bit repetitive in certain areas. It's good to see that Colonel Summers has regained a fair portion of her memory at this time (about how and why she faked her own death, and why she's being hunted down).

Nice work on the fight scene, and I particularly liked the tidbit about what Ops 9 agents really are, how they're the elite of the elite. :) You seem to have a good grasp for military hierarchy. Some sentences didn't flow as smoothly, however, or lacked punctuation in areas where it was needed, most. Use your discretion of course, when it comes to any advice given, but I'd say keep an eye on sentence structure, and on specific word use. In some cases, the simplest terms make for a bigger impact. :)

Critique aside, Ops 9: Memory has been an enjoyable read thus far, and one I intend to keep on reading. :)

Good work on this chapter's opening; the description of the environment and Summers' mental state at this time works well as a hook. :)

A bit repetitive in certain areas again though, particularly whenever Colonel Summers reiterates what she's doing or how she's feeling (for example, the amount of pain she's in, doubting she could move, anyhow, etc.) Nothing too severe, of course, but just things to look out for in the future.

He leaned down beside my ear, “I’m asking you to take a guess operative, I’m sure your well trained brain can manage that for yes?” he whispered, openly threatening. <--I'm guessing a word was omitted there, but I'm not sure what you wanted him to say. Some of his other dialogue seems a little too forthcoming; he's giving too much away in a short amount of time, but if the character was intended to be long-winded in that manner, I won't say more--other than to break some of the dialogue up a bit with punctuation; some of the time, it reads a bit like a run-on sentence. Again, feel free to use your discretion, when it comes to advice; I'm just telling you what I see from a reader's perspective.

However, with critique I always find something worthy of praise, and honestly, you have quite the gift of phrase; certain paragraphs flow beautifully, and give a very clear perception of Colonel Summers' tone, personality, and the like. :)

I also liked how the fight ended between her and the Aphelian; I'm curious to learn more about this Fenister person that saved her. The flashback was also interesting; makes me wonder if the captain in the flashback was Fenister, or if the flashbacks are merely intended to highlight the events of the current chapter, or the one to come.

All in all, this is a good story; very imaginative and engaging.

“And that’s why we made she he stayed alive; so we could keep you. You two are a package deal, Command always knew that and they used that against you.” (Should be "sure")

I heard the pattering of rain ahead of us; we were close to the exit. We rushed down the hallway and burst of the grey building onto a field of ice; (I think you omitted "out", here).

“Since they stepped onto Obituan soil Inersian.” The lead trooper said coldly. (I feel as though a comma should be between "soil" and "Inersian". There aren't too many, but there are few areas throughout the chapter that either require punctuation, or have the a period when they ought to have, say, a question mark--mostly toward the beginning, I noticed).

Aside from those few things I mentioned, this chapter was an enjoyable read; the banter between Summers and Fenister was entertaining, and I really do like how you put these brief snippets from the past at the end of your chapters, giving the readers a glimpse into the characters' pasts. :)

Well, Fenister and Gillian do have a history after all, so I tried to make that as clear as possible without giving too much of it away at once.

The flashbacks are a tool and motif if this miniseries I guess; stuff that isn't related to the immediate plot but is important for providing context for what characters say and do are used strategically to help the story along. 

If anything ever comes up as strange or perhaps in need of further explanation it's probably because Ops 9: Inersia was actually written before Memory (Hence its completion), so something like the Thopters may have been described there instead, but that's a different story entirely. Anyway I really appreciate the time you've taken to proofread my work, it's been very helpful to me.

I think the use of flashbacks in that manner is quite clever, and it does move the core story forward, which is great. Not many people can utilize it that efficiently, but you pulled it off quite well.

And no trouble at all. ^^ You're story has great potential, and is something I'd love to see published. :) Likewise, thank you for the help you've given me. I appreciate your candidness.

Hello, again! Sorry it's been awhile since my last comment.

Anyway, here goes:

So, the truth comes out--Fenister had her drugged, so she'd be cooperative when Andy came for her. I can't say I'd be too pleased with his methods, either, but I can't help admiring his determination in trying to keep her safe...even if it is for somewhat selfish reasons, on his part.

As always, nice work with the flashback; it gives a nice glimpse into her past, and how things have changed so drastically for her. I wonder if she'll ever be able to save Xavier, or if he's a lost cause?

Now onto the critique: There are still some areas that read like run-on sentences, or at the very least look like they'd benefit from a comma in certain spots. Example: "Regardless of where we were going(comma) I needed medical attention for the injuries or I was going to end up as a cripple for the rest of my life. (I'm also not sure the "as" really needs to be there, but it's up to you if it stays, or not.

Found typos/errors: "I tried to sleep throughout the three our ride"

"Inside a doctor of some sort had me lie down on a bed and preformed"

"The troopers walked silence casually scanning the room,"

Errors aside, I really like the way this story is playing out. :)

Don't worry about it; I only got around to finishing up with the latest chapter of your book that I'd been working on because of a bout of insomnia as well. Life gets in the way of casual stuff like reading and writing, so I get that you have other things to be doing. I'm pretty busy myself as a University student, especially with winter finals approaching but I'll do my best to try and get another chapter or two in between all that studying.

It’s taken me awhile, but I’m back to reading Ops 9. :)

I’ll start with the constructive criticism first: I feel that your work would benefit from a bit more punctuation in certain areas. Sometimes it’s something as simple as a needed comma; other times, it requires a period and the start of a fresh sentence.

For example: “Remind me why we’re in Glissaria now?” I asked(,) turning to Fenister.

Some of the dialogue seems a bit clunky and long-winded, as well. There are times when it feels like it’s giving away too much about what the characters are thinking or feeling. Let their actions speak for at least some of what’s going on; it will give readers the room necessary to imagine and figure certain things out for themselves. :)

There were a few typos as well, but I’d rather not make mention of them, here. If you’d like, I’d be more than willing to PM those details to you so that you can fix them without all and sundry seeing them in the comments section? ^^

Anyhow, onto the positive aspects of the chapter:

Though I feel it has potential for growth, your characterization work is well done, and it’s easy to become sympathetic and relate to Summers’ plight, as well as everything she’s gone through in the past. I like how you’ve slowly leaked little tidbits about her past here and there, keeping me interested and wondering what other secrets there are to uncover. I also like how she’s not just this hard, strong woman, but possesses a sense of humour as well—however wry it may be. It’s good to see a solid, well-rounded character.

You’ve also created a rich and detailed environment, and have presented the politics in a very realistic light, in a way that is both interesting and complex.
(Since I’ve seen Aphelion mentioned, that pretty much answers the question I left in regards to it. ^^; It had been so long, I’d forgotten the names of the places. Sorry about that).

And as always, I love those little flashback conversations you use. It’s a good way to sprinkle in information about Summers’ past, and it reminds me of a book series I particularly enjoyed back in high-school. :)

Minor grammatical issues aside, this is still a good story with a lot of promise.
 

Hi, welcome back,

For starters, thanks a lot for all the feedback. At this present time I've currently halted any forward progress with Ops 9: Memory here, to make an attempt to finish the first draft of my main novel (Project: Aphelion).

That isn't to say that what you're doing here isn't helpful. As you may have surmised Ops 9 is related to that particular project,and even if I'm not progressing this particular plot past the point to which it has currently been developed the exercise of going back to edit is obviously critical for building writing skills.

I'll keep your input in mind as I go back to make revisions in both of these novels. I myself have been rather busy in this past period, but if I have a spare moment I'll be sure to get back to you and return the favour with a review on your work.

I wish you the best of luck!

-Regards

No trouble at all. ^^ Ah, yes. I think I saw that you'd mentioned it on your profile, but I wasn't sure. I'm glad to still be of help, then. I'll try to give as much input as I can without it becoming too overwhelming (I know how brutal it is to edit on the site, lol).

Take as much time as you need, I don't mind. ^^ I hope both the work on Aphelion and your edits go smoothly.

Take care! :) 

And so we delve deeper into the plot. One of your strengths is definitely sprinkling past details throughout without making it an info dump. You also have an eye for detail. However, some of the same grammatical issues I've mentioned before are present: run-on sentences, extraneous detail that could be cut from dialogue and active descriptions, alike, a few typos...

I urge you to comb through your chapters--at your leisure, of course--to catch and correct some of these issues as you see them. As to the mention of extraneous detail: what I'm referring to is when you explain things that the readers don't actually need explained, or at least not in as many words as you wind up using.

There were a few instances like this closer to the start of the chapter and toward the halfway mark. However, things seemed a bit tighter and more polished in the latter half (though it could still use a bit of adjusting).

As to the chapter itself, I'm interested to learn just what it is that's so special about Summers, what Fenister's true objective is, and what will happen if/when Summers and Xavier meet again.

All in all,  the plot is intriguing, and I think this story has great potential--all it needs is a little TLC to get it there.