Sparkatale

You have a very interesting start to this story and a lot of potential, but there is a lot you need to do to get its quality up. In this first chapter you have the monster of a paragraph right away in the beginning. That should really be a few paragraphs and the parts in there should really be better connected. I would reread that one and edit it to make it smoother and keep it from jumping from one thought to the next. Then, I would do a little more to build up the presence of Calumn (sp). He just appears out of nowhere at a teenage party and knows Ryan's name. I think that's worthy of at least a few lines of description. During important scenes don't be afraid to describe the character's surroundings, what he's feeling (using as many of the senses as you can), and how he reacts to the man's sudden appearance. Does his intuition kick in and start to make him feel uneasy? Or is he drunk and does that dull his reactions? Whatever the case may be, add to what you've written so we can more clearly see what you were picturing when you wrote it. Then I would add more to their conversation. When I read it, it really felt like "Hello! You don't know me but I know everything about you! Guess what, you're powerful so come with me!" A little more description, a little more back and forth and bam, it suddenly doesn't feel as dull as it currently does. The same comments could go for the part right after he gets the note. Give a little more of what Ryan is thinking and feeling when he reads the note before Calumn (sp) appears again. Do that and I think you'll have a really good first chapter.

OK. Brilliant! This is so much better than the comments I got on the other site. Ok, first, what does (sp) mean? And otherwise, I will take your advice, I'll revise the chapter and make it top notch! Thank you!