Sparkatale

This is an amazing first chapter. I already feel like I have begun to understand the dwarves, particularly Donal. His care for his family is evident, and he's just the right type of grumpy father figure. I didn't quite understand the sentence about Feoi's night vision, though. Can he see in the dark? Overall, great job!

Thanks! Feoi was facing away from the minecart, which had the lantern up front, so it wasn't in his face. His eyes simply adjusted in the dark. I'll go back and clarify that.

Thanks for taking a look at my story :) I read through the whole of this one so far, so I'll leave my comments on all of the chapters. 

You have a very solid grasp of writing and grammar - no mistakes or typos that I could see and the flow was pretty good. 

It seemed to me though that the first two thirds of this chapter were just showing what Feoi and Donal were doing - and nothing else. This seems like a bit of waste, because you could still have that information - what they are doing plus the descriptions of the surrounding cavern, but also have dialogue that reveals more about them as characters and what their relationship is like - are they old friends who tease each other? tense co-workers? Not much is really revealed (I'm pretty sure you mentioned somewhere how long they'd known each other, but none of that really showed in how they talk to each other.) other than the fact they happen to be in the same place at the same time and they stop mining, and (with exhaustive detail) go home in a mining cart thing.   Which raises the question - why does the moving mining cart matter so much to get such lavish description and your character's relationships don't?

 I would also bring up Donal's fear of the outside world sooner, or have them talk about it some way (it would be a good way to differentiate them and establish conflict)- maybe something above ground affecting them below ground (rain flooding the tunnels? Some errant humans doing some spelunking or mining of their own?).  Maybe make Oren older and have him present in the first scene, peppering his dad and Feoi with questions and Donal's increasing frustration as a result.  You have a lot of options, so I would try exploring them.  

I would also find it more interesting if Donal's wife's resentment was fleshed out a bit more - how does she know so much about the outside world? Did she (or she and Donal, before Oren came along) go out there often? Was there something that happened that made Donal afraid?  And if she's alone at home all day, what's stopping her from heading out there on her own for walks on the mountain side without her husband's knowledge? I mean, being a stay-at-home mom is tough, but it sounds like she spent the day sewing a button and being resentful. Is there anything else she can add to the story? Maybe she made Oren curious about the outside by telling stories and Donal can be mad at her (again). "WHAT ARE YOU FILLING OUR SON'S HEAD WITH WOMAN?!"

:P Of course, all of these questions are ideas.... more to get your brain thinking than anything.  

First question - why doesn't Feoi have a family of his own? Does he just keep a bachelor suite in his friend's house? And for that matter, how does Feoi know so much about Earth as well?  

Something that could be really interesting here is instead of Foei describing specific facts about earth, maybe he can relate a specific anecdote of an adventure he had as a youth outside.... maybe he and other young dwarfs went exploring. Maybe something funny happened on a trading expedition.  Maybe this incident is what traumatized Donal so much. 

Again, solidly written from a technical standpoint, but many questions that you could really expand upon. :)

Okay. Thanks for commenting from a reader's point of view, it's nice to know what readers think of the story itself and how I can improve it. I can't work on it right now, but I'll fix it before I continue writing. Thanks again.

First question - why doesn't Feoi have a family of his own? Does he just keep a bachelor suite in his friend's house? And for that matter, how does Feoi know so much about Earth as well?  

Something that could be really interesting here is instead of Foei describing specific facts about earth, maybe he can relate a specific anecdote of an adventure he had as a youth outside.... maybe he and other young dwarfs went exploring. Maybe something funny happened on a trading expedition.  Maybe this incident is what traumatized Donal so much. :P 

Again, solidly well written from a technical standpoint, but many questions that you could really expand upon. :)

Well, it looks like Elena is going to be an interesting problem for Mr. We Only Mine Ore Donal :P 

I am curious to see how he solves this problem. 

Overall, you did a very good job of introducing the two characters. I can distinguish between them easily. Donal seems far more cautious, very protective. Perhaps overprotective :P I think he does mean well, but I have to say I agree with Rena and Orun. After all, he can hate on humans all he wants but he should really see them with his own eyes before he judges them. I don’t have as much of an impression of Feoi, but he seems like a more carefree foil to Donal. Overall, I’m very interested to see where the plot goes :)

Now, some things to be picky about. Your dialogue is very good, very natural, but sometimes I feel you overdo it with the tags. There were very few instances where someone simply “said” something. I mean, obviously it’s good to vary it up, using different dialogue tags and adjectives, but in my opinion if overdone it distracts from the actual speech. As they say, dialogue should speak for itself :P For example:

"I want to," Orun said unnecessarily.

Okay, this is going to be a mouthful: I think the “unnecessarily” is unnecessary :P And using words like “hesitated”, “pointed out”, “stated”, etc, are good sometimes, but they should be used more sparingly. Sorry for being so picky :P

Overall, grammar and boring stuff like that was great. There was just one sentence I found a little awkward:

“Maybe we've finally...mined out all the ore in these...caves” I know he’s supposed to be breathless, but for me the pauses seem awkwardly placed. As he’s mentioned to be out of breath I don’t think it’s really necessary to include them. Maybe it’s just a personal thing, as I always think of “…” as someone’s voice trailing off, so for me it seems weird :P

Another interesting chapter. I enjoyed the interaction between Feoi and Orun. Although, I must admit I’m a little confused. Does Feoi live with Donal and his family? Like an honorary uncle or something? :P

I also found it a little strange that Orun seemed to know quite a lot about the outside world. I mean, if Donal fears going outside surely he would have told his son as little about it as possible, to prevent him from wanting to see it. Perhaps Donal wasn’t always as afraid. Maybe something happened to him, and that’s why he and his family haven’t visited the outside world in so long. Anyway, the conversation was a good way of giving information about the dwarves and the other different races. I found the evolutionary stuff interesting, about how the dwarves aren't adapted to the hot climate (sorry, I’m a bit of a science nerd) :P

Anyway, I enjoyed Feoi’s characterisation in this chapter. I like Orun, but I feel he’s a bit of a stereotypical wide-eyed, innocent and excitable child. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I guess you could say I just don’t find him that interesting. I like Feoi and Donal though, I think you’ve shown their personalities well :)

The ending part was well-written. I do found it strange that Donal wasn’t cautious enough to be looking out for danger, though. I mean, he seems very protective, surely he’d be on his guard in unfamiliar territory. I hope Orun is okay :(

Oh, and a break from past tense I noticed:

“Orun seems just as confused."

Thanks a lot for catching all those mistakes, and sorry about the low quality. I'll make sure to fix those. I hope you enjoy the story =)

Oh no, It wasn't low quality at all! I didn't mean to imply that, if I did. Did I? Anyway, it's a very good story :)

No, you didn't imply that! Sorry! I'm just being humble! =)

It’s interesting, the whole blinded by bright light thing. I never would have thought of it, but it’s definitely realistic. Anyway, it was a good way of prolonging the mystery for a bit :P I like Donal’s way of describing the world. I think you’ve done a good job of showing how he’s an outsider, not a part of Erath… Anyway, it was interesting to read.

The ending part with Elena and her kid was interesting too. She seems like a greedy person, but I feel she may need the money for something… Still, it wasn’t very nice of her to demand his gold, especially when it was fairly obvious he didn’t mean to cause any harm. Still, I have a feeling that Donal’s opinions of humans may not be improved after this meeting :P

Thanks a lot for your comment. I'm glad you liked it.  Yeah, it's a bit weird how they react to each other. If you have some constructive stuff to say, don't be afraid of hurting my feelings. That won't happen. Thanks for your thoughts though. I enjoy reading them =)

Overall I liked this chapter. I really liked the interaction between the two sisters. As someone who grew up with a twin sister, it reminded me of the many fights and squabbles we got in over the years… Although the girls weren’t twins, but close enough :P Now I’m reminiscing. Hehe. Sorry for rambling. Although, I was surprised to learn they were around ten years old… I think their behaviour was a little immature for that age, I’d make them a little younger (the older one about seven or eight). I wonder what Donal is planning. Will the golem do something horrible to the villagers? I hope not, most of them are innocent…

This is probably just a personal thing, but sometimes I feel some your sentences are too short. Most of them are fine, but occasionally there are lines like this:

“Chocolate ice cream, with sprinkles. Her favorite.” I think it would flow better if the full stop after sprinkles was replaced with a comma.

There was also a sequence in the middle that I found confusing. The one where it said the crowd thought Elena was acting childish for pushing Donal, but then said they would have done the same thing… I don’t know, most adults I know wouldn’t have pushed someone to the ground like that, no matter how greedy they are. I’m not sure I really understood the statement :P Sorry for being dumb.

You're not dumb. I'm just really weird =) The short sentences. I think it's an American thing. We talk like that all the time. Thanks for catching those. I'll work on making the story more clear and fluent.

Interesting chapter. I like Dhom Kichu so far, he seems to be a genuinely nice person/golem :) I really liked the part when he said that living in a stone house would be for him like a human living in a house of flesh. I have to admit, I would never have thought of that :P I wonder what other powers he has. He seems very nice. I liked how he helped Rose when her garden was destroyed, even though she was being so mean to him. Anyway, hopefully she’ll treat him more kindly from now on. Tehe, Pikachu :P Sorry, I love Pokemon (the games, that is).

One of the main critiques I have so far is that the human characters don’t really act their age. I know they’re supposed to be greedy, and greedy people are often immature, but I feel like they’re all greedy in the same way and it’s a bit unbelievable. I mean, I don’t really see much of a difference between her and Elena, they’re both demanding and unforgiving. Rose is perhaps slightly less greedy, as she didn’t demand a whole heap of gold or anything like that, but other than that my impression of them is pretty much the same. Although, I’m only halfway through the story, so perhaps I should read on first :P Also, sometimes I feel you add sentences that are a bit redundant. You describe the garden regrowing very well, but then at the end you put “The garden regrew itself”. That was already apparent, wasn’t it?

I see what you mean about being redundant. Sorry about the low quality ;) just kidding. WTA was edited, but a lot less so than my other stories. I'll change the things you pointed out, but some changes will wait until you're done reading. Part of the strange characterization is due to the story being moral/satirical. You make some great points though, like acting their age (I thought I left it out), so thanks a lot =) I'm looking forward to the rest of your comments.

Like I said before I really like the interaction between the two sisters. It feels very realistic and natural, so good job. Especially the part where Violet accused Lily of having a crush on Dhom, I laughed at that part :P I felt really sorry for Lagro. I like that he was different from the two women, he didn’t seem as young and childish acting. I felt really bad when he was talking about his sick family. Maybe it’s because I think it’s important to know why people act a certain way, and that even if they do bad things that doesn’t mean they’re bad people, necessarily… Sorry for rambling, by the way. Maybe I’m just too sentimental.

I feel like you were overusing the exclamation mark in Lagro’s dialogue. Maybe I’m just really picky, but I feel like if it’s used too much it means the sentences that really should be emphasized lose their impact. Especially when he’s using it on almost every sentence :P I think if he’s described as shouting or something like that it would be better to use mostly full stops and occasionally an exclamation mark at the end of a bit of dialogue or something. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense, by the way. It might just be me. There was also one instance about 2/3rds of the way through the chapter where “Violet” wasn’t capatalized.

Thanks for the advice on exclamation marks! I'll definitely change that! I'm glad you're seeing both the story side and the fable side! If that makes sense! I'm open to any suggestions you may have, especially on girly things like making certain parts more emotional (later on in the story)!

Oh no, I’m worried. The black dot on Dhom’s hand reminds me of necrosis in humans. Does that mean he’s going to die, or something like that? O.o I’m so worried for him! Anyway, this was a very sad chapter. I think you conveyed Violet’s emotions well, and the scene where Dhom used his gem to create a projection or whatever of her father was very touching. But, I felt it was a little lacking - I know this is a fable and thus the characterisation isn’t the same as a normal story. Even so, I think you’ve really missed out on adding another layer to Rose’s character, here. I mean, the woman’s husband just died. If their dad was such a magnificent person, there must be a reason why he loved Rose, and this would be a good way to show it. Anyway, I think it would be nice to show the whole family’s reaction, not just Violet’s. Of course, this could be in future chapters, and if it is feel free to ignore my whinging. Anyway, it’s not that the emotional stuff you have in this chapter is bad, or anything. It’s good, but I think there’s a potential for so much more.

Anyway, some errors I noticed.

This sentence “sized log. Lily pouted.” I think the first part must have been deleted somehow? Also, at the start you were using “30”, “29”, “28” etc. but then you suddenly switched to writing the whole word (thirty).

Oh no, looks like I was right. I have a feeling I know how this story will end, now :( I wonder how Dhom will use up his last gem. It was interesting, how Orun lost his sight completely from looking at the sun. I wasn’t expecting that, I thought he was just temporarily blinded because he was unused to the light outside, I didn’t think it would be permanent. I wonder what the humans did to Orun’s grandfather. I guess they probably killed him, or something like that.

Anyway, I noticed an inconsistency. In this chapter, Dhom said none of the humans had thanked him for helping him. But Lagro thanked him a few chapters ago, if I remember correctly. Anyway, at the moment I feel like this story is a little too black and white – the dwarves (+ Lily and Violet and Dhom) are “good”, and everyone else is “bad”. That might just be my own tastes, though. I can’t help but wonder why “bad” people in stories are bad. I guess I’d like to see the villagers have a few redeeming qualities, because at the moment they seem a little one-dimensional. In the summary, it says this is a fable about dealing with problematic people. I think that one way of doing that is to try and understand why people are acting the way they are, and I think it would be good if you showed that. However, I know this is a short story and I’m probably being overly analytical, so feel free to ignore my ramblings :P

Hello, thanks a lot for the comments. Sorry for replying late, I just got home.

Anyway, I won't ignore anything you say because your critiques are very important to me. I appreciate the thoughtful input you provided. Rose's reaction is...kind of in the next chapter, I think. I won't change things right now, so let me know then if it doesn't work right or if I should put it in sooner, in Chapter 7. Also, just a warning...that chapter isn't any happier than the last two =(

So what I was thinking for the lesson of the fable is that Donal and Dhom both represent two ways of dealing with people who annoy you. I attempt to explain more at the end. That's another thing that may or may not work well, and I'm going to ask for your opinion on that when you comment on the last chapter.

No! I knew it was going to happen, but still… :’( I wonder how Lily got poisoned. I doubt it will ever be revealed, but I’m curious :3 Anyway, I was happy with the bit at the beginning, with Rose. It’s nice to see how she truly cares for her children. It’s interesting, how Dhom doesn’t seem to have much knowledge of human behaviour. Of course she cares for her kids! It seems to me that Rose has been through a lot, and she puts on this exterior so she doesn’t hurt inside as much… Sorry if I’m being too analytical, btw. I can’t help but feel sorry for her (maybe cos she’s a single mum now, or because I’m a girl… I don’t know :P). Personally I’d exaggerate that scene even more, but I don’t think it’s necessary or anything. I just like drama too much :P Anyway, overall the emotional stuff was good. I like the bond between the girls and Dhom, it’s very heart-warming (or heart-wrenching, as in this chapter!)

I know short sentences are your style, and I’m biased because I’m a long-sentence person, but sometimes I just feel like the really short ones interrupt the flow of the story.  Like this sequence: “A red light turned on in her head. It came to her. What Dhom had in mind.” I feel like this would flow better if the last two were combined somehow. Also, this sentence: “They waited for the groaning of Dhom's stone body to get up from the ground.” I think you were going to say something about Dhom’s groaning to stop, but then changed it to him getting up halfway through :P Also this: “She was laying on the bed, on her side, staring straight at Dhom with blood-shot.” I think eyes is missing. And finally: “’How dare you call my daughter a she?’ Rose seethed.” Calling her a ‘she’ would be normal, wouldn’t it? ;)

Anyway, something I found a bit strange – it was an emotional moment and all, but I found it strange that a young girl would hold a knife against her throat like that. Most kids I know aren’t that self-sacrificing, if you know what I mean. The pleads are good, but I don’t think killing herself in exchange would cross her mind. Perhaps just make her struggle and yell instead? That seems more like something a kid would do :P

Ha ha, I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote the chapter. I hope a lot of the  were just typos. Does the text ever delete itself when you write? Happens all the time for me, I think that's what some of it was =/ Sorry about that. Thanks for catching all those errors. I'll have to see some other opinions before I change everything you said, but you made some very good points.

I'm glad the emotional stuff worked out, because as a boy I expected all that to be really bad.

I noticed that you've done a longer comment, thanks for that =) If you can't make them very long in the future that's okay though because I always write in short chapters. Are we going to keep trading reviews? Just one more chapter for Welcome To Aodel. I guess it partly depends on whether or not Hunting Amaatlik is too weird for you =)

Ha, how dare you call my daughter a she??? =D 

I’d like to keep trading :) I can read that story once I’ve finished this one. And nothing is too weird for me! ;)

Coming into this, I was slightly confused. Lily says she is sixteen, so there must have been a timeskip… But then, if they’d only just now left Aodel, wouldn’t Dhom’s footprints have long since faded away? Surely it rained at least once in the time that passed, or even if it didn’t the wind would have blown sand over his footprints, that sort of thing... Or was there a timeskip earlier, and I just didn’t realise it? Sorry for being dumb :P

As for the morals, I think I understand Dhom’s method of dealing with annoying people – being nice to them, even though they’re annoying you. Being “the better person”. I think you conveyed that one well. But, I’m a little confused about Donal’s. Is it guilt-tripping them? xD I’m not sure :P Anyway, overall it was a good ending. Kind of sad, but at the same time satisfying. I like how Lily, Violet and Orun all left the place they were confined to, and can now go and explore the rest of the world… Hopefully they’ll find some nice people, somewhere.

Overall, this was a good fable. I enjoyed reading it. I think overall you conveyed the message well, although as I said I was a bit confused about Donal's part. Feel free to ask me questions, if you have them.

And Dan Delion. Amazing pun ;) Anyway, I have a really busy weekend, so I probably won’t be able to comment for the next few days O.o Still, I’ll try to get to at least one chapter of Hunting Amaatlik. Sorry for being slow!

I'm glad you enjoyed the story =D I appreciate how you take note of the little things that people usually miss, like the short sentences. As for Donal's method, you got it right. He wanted to put the villagers on a guilt trip. I'll make that clearer, as well as the timeskip and footprints. I can't think of any questions. Your reviews have been clear and thorough, and I'll have other people commenting to hear from different perspectives.

Ha ha, I'm the one who's slow =) And I'm not even busy, just lazy...not that I don't want to read your story, I've been waiting to all day but keep getting distracted. I'm about to write my next comment on Gifted, and hopefully I'll get a second one done later tonight. Don't worry if you can't get in a comment before the weekend, I understand if you have things to do. And maybe those few days will give me the chance to write more for my new story, so I'm not complaining.