Sparkatale

I guess I'm a little inconsistent with the emphasis. I feel like italics represent a different sort of shouting than the all caps locks do -  italics are like a stern lecture in my mind - you know the person talking to you is angry or frustrated or being super sarcastic, but they aren't full on screaming yet. Caps lock SHOUTING is when someone's totally lost it and is just bellowing/shouting at the top of their lungs. 

You're pretty much on the mark for most of it. :D

Riyan does have female friends, but the first of them will show up in chapter 5.  Beryn is Mendel's cousin, but that's not entirely clear until chapter 4, which is when you'll meet him. 

I already like this narrator, with how he justifies a lot of what he does. Coming at this from a background in security and law enforcement studies, it rings very true, because that's how a good chunk of people tend to rationalize it to themselves - when they're not doing it for drug fixes or thrills. 

One comment I can make for the first couple paragraphs is already there's been quite a few run-on sentences - the one that jumped out at me the most: Scottson is the proud owner of a somewhat legally lenient pawnshop that also happens to have a chop shop in the back which makes the process of turning profit in my own line of work much easier. 

Try maybe "Scottson is the proud owner of a somewhat legally lenient pawnshop. It also happens to have a chop shop in the back, which makes the process of turning profit in my own line of work much easier." 

(I do have to giggle though - Pawn shops are ALWAYS legally lenient, whatever the proprietor of the shop says)

I should point out though, that unless your narrator has been convicted twice already of a felony, he wouldn't be facing a long prison term.... Felony grand theft prison terms in California are an average of 1 to 3 years. 

I also laughed at the sparkler thing, because we had someone attempt to do that to us (minus the bullets) while I was working mall security. 

Well, it looks like Elena is going to be an interesting problem for Mr. We Only Mine Ore Donal :P 

I am curious to see how he solves this problem. 

First question - why doesn't Feoi have a family of his own? Does he just keep a bachelor suite in his friend's house? And for that matter, how does Feoi know so much about Earth as well?  

Something that could be really interesting here is instead of Foei describing specific facts about earth, maybe he can relate a specific anecdote of an adventure he had as a youth outside.... maybe he and other young dwarfs went exploring. Maybe something funny happened on a trading expedition.  Maybe this incident is what traumatized Donal so much. :P 

Again, solidly well written from a technical standpoint, but many questions that you could really expand upon. :)

First question - why doesn't Feoi have a family of his own? Does he just keep a bachelor suite in his friend's house? And for that matter, how does Feoi know so much about Earth as well?  

Something that could be really interesting here is instead of Foei describing specific facts about earth, maybe he can relate a specific anecdote of an adventure he had as a youth outside.... maybe he and other young dwarfs went exploring. Maybe something funny happened on a trading expedition.  Maybe this incident is what traumatized Donal so much. 

Again, solidly written from a technical standpoint, but many questions that you could really expand upon. :)

Thanks for taking a look at my story :) I read through the whole of this one so far, so I'll leave my comments on all of the chapters. 

You have a very solid grasp of writing and grammar - no mistakes or typos that I could see and the flow was pretty good. 

It seemed to me though that the first two thirds of this chapter were just showing what Feoi and Donal were doing - and nothing else. This seems like a bit of waste, because you could still have that information - what they are doing plus the descriptions of the surrounding cavern, but also have dialogue that reveals more about them as characters and what their relationship is like - are they old friends who tease each other? tense co-workers? Not much is really revealed (I'm pretty sure you mentioned somewhere how long they'd known each other, but none of that really showed in how they talk to each other.) other than the fact they happen to be in the same place at the same time and they stop mining, and (with exhaustive detail) go home in a mining cart thing.   Which raises the question - why does the moving mining cart matter so much to get such lavish description and your character's relationships don't?

 I would also bring up Donal's fear of the outside world sooner, or have them talk about it some way (it would be a good way to differentiate them and establish conflict)- maybe something above ground affecting them below ground (rain flooding the tunnels? Some errant humans doing some spelunking or mining of their own?).  Maybe make Oren older and have him present in the first scene, peppering his dad and Feoi with questions and Donal's increasing frustration as a result.  You have a lot of options, so I would try exploring them.  

I would also find it more interesting if Donal's wife's resentment was fleshed out a bit more - how does she know so much about the outside world? Did she (or she and Donal, before Oren came along) go out there often? Was there something that happened that made Donal afraid?  And if she's alone at home all day, what's stopping her from heading out there on her own for walks on the mountain side without her husband's knowledge? I mean, being a stay-at-home mom is tough, but it sounds like she spent the day sewing a button and being resentful. Is there anything else she can add to the story? Maybe she made Oren curious about the outside by telling stories and Donal can be mad at her (again). "WHAT ARE YOU FILLING OUR SON'S HEAD WITH WOMAN?!"

:P Of course, all of these questions are ideas.... more to get your brain thinking than anything.