Sparkatale

Sorry for taking longer that I said to get to this! Anyway, onto my comment.

This was a really entertaining read. I can definitely tell how much thought and effort you’ve put into creating the world and it’s really a pleasure to read about it.

I love your details, especially Jeremiah’s thought processes (like when he was hunting the deer, I liked how you described what he was doing and how he did it). They just add that extra level to the story, I feel, and it shows that you’ve put thought into it and know what you’re talking about. I also like the details about Bravo (like, him only cantering because of the heavy deer on his back). It was good later on as well, when Jeremiah was alternating between riding him and giving him a rest. I find a lot of horses in stories are portrayed as being able to run endlessly without getting tired, so I was happy to see you paid attention to that detail.

The main complaint I have is that this chapter was very long. Maybe I just have a short attention span (that's likely :P) but a lot was going on and I feel like I probably didn’t absorb it all as well as I should have. It probably doesn’t help that it’s really late at night as I’m writing this xD But there were a lot of characters and places mentioned, and I feel it would be easier to remember them all if it was split up a little. The other complaint I have is the lack of girl characters (I don’t know why, it just kind of stood out to me. I guess cos I'm a girl :P) but obviously this is the first chapter and there could very well be more later.

 I think the summary could use some simplifying as well – when I read it most of the names didn’t mean much to me, so it kind of went over my head. It’s not that important as it’s just a summary, but I think simplifying it a little for the idiots like me might help attract more readers. For example, it probably isn’t necessary to list all the civilisations by name, since they’ll come up in the story.

There were a few grammar/spelling errors, but they weren’t that big a deal. I think you’ll probably be able to fix them easily if you edit at some point.

Anyway, overall this was a great read! I look forward to the next chapter! :D