Sparkatale

Sorry for taking longer than I said before to get to this, I’ve been busier than I thought xD Anyway, this was really intriguing. I was surprised the main character died. When I read the first paragraph and got to the end I was like, “woah. Was not expecting that!” Anyway, it’s interesting. I wonder who killed him, and why. Anyway, overall I think this was a good start. The ending where he was talking to the voice was great. Kind of creepy, too, when he/she was saying how they ran the world and everything :P Anyway, I’m definitely interested to read more! :)  

There were a few things I thought could be improved. But they are only my opinion and therefore feel free to ignore me xD I think it would be more intriguing if you left out the stuff at the beginning saying that the italics were the voice of a God. It’s obvious it’s some unknown entity, so if you left that out the reader could come to the conclusion that they’re some sort of God themselves, you know?

Just some nitpicking of mine, but one of my pet peeves in stories is when words are capitalised to show someone is shouting. I don’t know, I just find it a bit unprofessional. I think an exclamation mark and appropriate dialogue tags are enough. The other thing I thought should be included is the main character’s name. Your author’s note says his name is the same as yours, but I still think it should be mentioned in the actual story somewhere :)

You're absolutely right about letting the reader think he/she was a god since that's what I was trying for, but I wasn't sure how to go about that. From your comment, it looked like the way I used it worked, so thank you for your input there! I'll definitely change the format for shouting though, since I do agree with you about the all-caps seeming unprofessional. What you also said about the protagonist's name is also correct, since I'm at that point where most readers tend to ignore my notes and go right into the chapter. Thank you for your comment, it really helps me to look at this story from a different perspective!

I like the banter between the main character and the God or whatever it is :P I think it’s a very unique way to tell the story, and entertaining. Anyway, I enjoyed this chapter. I like hearing about Char. And the woman, she was very interesting…  Her sudden change in emotion was a bit confusing though. She seemed pretty confident, but then she suddenly broke down in tears which I thought was a bit random.

Also, something I noticed in this chapter is that you seemed to switch between past tense and present tense a couple of times when he was telling the story. I think it’s better to stick to one or the other.

Here’s some typos and wording mistakes I found:

“That guy were referring to is Char, and I met on my travels across the Meridian Sea." This should be something like: “that guy we’re referring to is Char, whom I met on my travels across the Meridian sea.”

“shield on his back that I've never seen before” I’d instead of I’ve

“the best to describe it would be…” should be: “the best way to describe it would be

Thank you for the input for chapter 2. Since it was one of my earlier chapters, when this story was more or less a concept, I may have missed several typos so thanks for pointing them out. Regarding the young girl in the story, there's a reason she cries so easily, which will be revealed in a *much* later chapter when her character is more-developed. I try to keep the whole story in past tense except for moments when it is more effective in the present, so I can understand your confusion there. Please keep reading if you enjoy, but I won't be upset if you have other things to do.

Opening: The first paragraph flows really well and there’s almost an ironic beauty to that first sentence that really captured my attention. But honestly, the way you ended that first opening paragraph was even better. I did a double take and had to re-read it to make sure I’d read it correctly. Not because it was hard to understand, just because I didn’t expect the main character to be dead right up front. At least in the sense of him not being a vampire etc. He’s not a vampire right?

Formatting: Your paragraphs are gigantic. I know a true paragraph is five to ten sentences, but on the net those sentences can get smashed together and it looks like just a large block of text. This can be a little intimidating at times. Your second paragraph alone made me hesitate and it didn’t matter that the first paragraph was amazing either. I was tempted to skim, I didn’t, but other readers might just leave.

Your opening is strong enough that it might not happen, but I wouldn’t chance it. As I continued reading I did notice in that second paragraph that some of the contents of that paragraph didn’t belong with what was written previously. One minute you’re talking about the inside and how he wanted his room to be, the next we’re outside. Too quick of a jump for readers, especially when it’s all mashed into one very large paragraph. My suggestion, break down your paragraphs.

Characters: Heart and Soul are swords, but it seems you’ve made them characters none-the-less. Personified swords is a pretty interesting twist. The main character seems to think they talk to him in battle so either they are actually alive, or the MC is going crazy. This would be understandable considering it sounds like he’s a dedicated soldier, dedicated enough to name his favorite swords.

Ending: Towards the end of the first section I started getting a little confused. I’m not sure what the set-up of his room has to do with a sword going through his heart. Is that your way of making him ‘get lost’ in the moment of being murdered on the battle field? If that’s the case, I would suggest possibly moving the killing scene up... more towards the beginning. Of course, this is just my opinion. I think it would read better if it were that way.

Enjoyment: If I had to rate my enjoyment based on this first chapter I’d give it a 5 out of 10. I’m sorry for the low score (don’t be down hearted, I give everyone a low score - *_-) Why did I give it a low score? It’s not because of your sentence structures, those were good, but you jump around so much in this chapter that it’s really hard to keep track. I have this problem myself, I struggle with it every time I write a chapter. I have so many ideas that I want to get out and the writing is only there for a little bit, so I totally understand.

My suggestion would be to outline the major points you want to portray in this chapter and keep them in chronological order. You also might want to consider using more transitional words or phrases to take you from one spot to another. It makes for a smoother transition from topic to topic. I hope I helped. And remember these suggestions are just that, suggestions. Just one person’s perspective after all.

Thank you for reviewing the first chapter. I'm glad you enjoyed the first paragraph since that one was meant to preview the true message of the story. I'm also aware now after looking it over myself that I did put some unnecessary details in that I would have never built upon later, so I'll be sure to edit those out for something else. In time, I plan to revamp the whole story for better clarity and more detail, but for now I need to continue working until the ending is made. I do admit that I tend to make long-winded paragraphs, but usually I don't notice how it would look to other readers. Having your view on it really helps, so I'll see what I can do in the eventual revamp of this chapter as well as a few others I wasn't entirely satisfied with. The characters that were introduced in this chapter were intentionally semi-ambiguous, mostly so that I could have several different plot points to work with. The small twists I put in are my own way of saying "Why not?", so there will be a lot of unexpected things happening in later chapters, just so you're prepared.

I really liked your descriptions in this chapter. They were nicely detailed and created a very clear picture. Ocassionally sometimes things you write seem a little redundant, because they are already obvious – for example, when you said: “and then the voice went silent.” That was already clear. But that’s just me nitpicking xD

Anyway, this chapter had lots of interesting developments. I really liked Zet ‘Thurr, he definitely wasn’t what I expected at all. Anyway, if the next chapter’s from his point of view it’s bound to be interesting ;)

The demon woman was intriguing, too – I wonder if she’s connected to the woman in the last chapter, or perhaps she had some role in his death. I don’t have much of an idea at the moment, so I’m excited to read on :3

Zet'Therr is one of my more interesting characters solely because of his 'I'm above everything' kind of attitude. The next chapter you're bound to like because it shows more of his human side, so he's not just some angry, ill-mannered demon, but a hardworking leader. You were also right about the demon lady; she does have something to do with that girl from the last chapter, but it won't be revealed until either chapter 5 or 6. Also, that skeleton that is with Drake right now, it's going to be important later on, so pay some attention to it in the later chapters.