Sparkatale

Thank you once again for taking the time to review The House of Animus chapter 2. I have the prologue stored safely and I would be more than willing to let you see it. I must warn you before you read it: the prologue takes place one year before the main storyline, when Starr's true colors are shown and before the demons of Hell renounced their evil ways. I would most likely send it to you by e-mail, but I can also send the text in a message; it's your choice.

Addressing your speculation on Starr's relationships, he does hold some affection for Lucia, but in his mind it feels unrequited. The chapter 11 resolves the tension between both Starr and Lucia, as well as provide the true conflict of this story.

Regarding Shion, she is not at all a demon; simply a wolf-girl 'created' by Starr in the prologue. She does not only study demons, but all kinds of knowledge. She is the librarian of House Animus, so it's only fitting that she is a knowledge-seeker. Starr is able to fall in love with her, but his conscience prevents this because of what he did in the prologue. The reason I took down the prologueis because it would have added some adult themes to this otherwise teen-friendly story.

I cannot stress enough my appreciation for your suggestions in tidying up this story. I means a great deal to me that there is a new perspective in reading it. I hope you find the later chapters to your liking as well.

Thank you for your praise and your criticism. I appreciate your thoughts on the story's first chapter and the surprising amount of information you were able to learn. Bringing the typos to my attention really help me out, so don't worry about putting it lightly.

You are correct in assuming that Starr feels like a perfect character, but this only serves to hide a growing evil in him that is referenced in later chapters. He also has reasons of his own to be the so-called 'best master' of House Animus, so that will most likely be another defining feature to him. Starr's age is revealed in Chapter 5, but it doesn't exactly have an effect on the story; though if you still wish to know, Starr is 23 years old.

I noticed your speculation on Starr's family and I can understand why there is a desire to know. However, this is just another part of the mystery that is Starr Animus and his parents will be mentioned more from chapter 5 onwards. Please pay attention to Dante especially, since there is a unique reason he is allowed to be so informal towards Starr. Starr's parents made him who is now, so keep that in mind.

On the subject of Tienge and Shion, when I first posted this story here, it actually started with an M-rated prologue that I mentioned in the author's notes in chapter 1. The prologue is available upon request, but it is not quite necessary for the story; it only provides insight to Starr's character. Another noteworthy fact is that Starr and Lucia are the only ones involved in that experiment, so it also brings their relationship into question.

I'm glad that you enjoyed the characters in the story so far; there can only be more to add from here. You were correct in all of your assumptions, which is exactly the result I hoped for. The other characters in the story are just as memorable, so I await your observations on them as well. Be aware that Lucia is not the only woman who may/may not hold affection for Starr, since her true feelings are not yet revealed.

If you would like to know anything else about the universe or some of the characters, please send me a message and I would be happy to answer them.

First Impressions: Two chapters in and I must say, this is a very refreshing story! The first chapter gives a nice feeling of serenity that draws the reader in and almost immediately afterwards, it is demonstrated why Wendy finds humans so distasteful with the way they hunt fish. The concept initially feels common (finding the humanity in monsters), but that familiarity is what makes it easy to grasp and modify to your own style.

Characters: Shooting fish with overtly powerful firearms? I personally find that idea enjoyable, despite how cruel it may seem (instantly cooked fish is awesome!). It adds a new level of darkness other than what is normally seen in humans, and the fact that Wendy openly condemns them for it makes her all the more memorable. I like Wendy's confidence in defending her principles and I also noticed how oddly human she is, which does well for her character. She prefers to side with monsters and yet she is somewhat terrified of them; a sign of caution: a human quality we are all familiar with. At times, she is idealistic while she has her realistic moments; a complicated character that intrigues the reader.

Oddly enough, it seems that the hunter with the hand cannon is not a named character even though he is somewhat important in the first chapter. It is probable that he died, but I felt like he could have been expanded upon. The chapter 2 hunters seemed almost unrealistic if not rare, since Kozel's initiation of the fight would normally demoralize, not inspire. If their leader was such a charismatic person, then this would be more fitting. A small dialogue between the hunters could explain how they became inspired. Instead, the hunters arbitrarily gather the will to kill Kozel without any indication of fear, a trait that is more common for murderers and sociopaths.

Kozel the Kaipra (Capra?) holds much weight as well since his story introduces a different viewpoint which is always welcome, but sometimes may seem redundant, as it does here. He seems to avoid human contact, but it seems entirely possible for him to live in a human village as long as he keeps his inner demon in check. This means that the whole fight with the hunters could have been avoided and thus Kozel could be developed in a different way. The trigger for his transformations seems unknown as it's only described as 'that feeling he gets every morning', so there is some possible confusion there. The way he fights as a monster is almost condescending to the hunters, which reveals a very interesting evil side to him. When he transformed in chapter 2, 'his hand moved in slow motion', meaning he could easily move faster than humans could comprehend and not worry about injury. Yet, he fought at the same speed as the hunters; slower even, given the injuries received. So this gives one of two conclusions: 1. The hunters are physically-enhanced super soldiers (probably not) or 2. Monster Kozel is extremely arrogant (Yep). This all led me to believe that Kozel and Monster Kozel are two distinct personalities with opposing ideals.

Setting: There does not seem to be much of a 'clear' setting in the traditional way. The setting is mostly described using the Chekhov method which states: "If it is not essential, don't include it." This is a good thing, since it leaves much to the imagination (better or worse) and it does not bore the reader with longwinded details.

Faults, Flaws, Things-Not-So-Good: There are a few grammatical errors I found while reading:

Chapter 1, Paragraph 1: 'townsmen' should be 'townspeople' for a less chauvinistic term.

Just at the end of Wendy's section: "Wendy and her new rival lowered their heads, but because of what he said." There is no contradictory statement, so the 'but' is not needed.

When Kozel makes fire, he uses oranges? Maybe this is something in-universe, but it just seems odd to me.

Chapter 2, the fight scene has this: "...the other hunters hacked at his body of smashed the pommels of their swords against his head." There seems to be some missing words in this sentence.

Final Remarks: Good story so far in the first two chapters. Your style is simple to read and the dialogue is structured like modern interactions, so it is very relateable. Some focus is needed here and there, but rereading the story should make it easy enough to identify. I look forward to reading what happens next after the third and fourth chapters!

Zet'Therr is one of my more interesting characters solely because of his 'I'm above everything' kind of attitude. The next chapter you're bound to like because it shows more of his human side, so he's not just some angry, ill-mannered demon, but a hardworking leader. You were also right about the demon lady; she does have something to do with that girl from the last chapter, but it won't be revealed until either chapter 5 or 6. Also, that skeleton that is with Drake right now, it's going to be important later on, so pay some attention to it in the later chapters.

Thank you for reviewing the first chapter. I'm glad you enjoyed the first paragraph since that one was meant to preview the true message of the story. I'm also aware now after looking it over myself that I did put some unnecessary details in that I would have never built upon later, so I'll be sure to edit those out for something else. In time, I plan to revamp the whole story for better clarity and more detail, but for now I need to continue working until the ending is made. I do admit that I tend to make long-winded paragraphs, but usually I don't notice how it would look to other readers. Having your view on it really helps, so I'll see what I can do in the eventual revamp of this chapter as well as a few others I wasn't entirely satisfied with. The characters that were introduced in this chapter were intentionally semi-ambiguous, mostly so that I could have several different plot points to work with. The small twists I put in are my own way of saying "Why not?", so there will be a lot of unexpected things happening in later chapters, just so you're prepared.

Wonderful read, that first chapter!

Chapter one easily got me interested in the story since it's not every novel that includes a telepathic protagonist. I enjoyed reading about Kelly's time with the telepath since you did an great job at depicting that last spark of hope within one's own madness. The 'nine evils' as they were called were memorable characters without a doubt since they all represented some part of human evils. The name evils kept my attention since they were people that had purpose, and not just insanity. Fred and Hannah were my favorites, although Emma was up there with her 'alien ways'. My favorite part was the 'true first session' with Kelly when the telepath asked about her parents. The way you conveyed the parents' feelings was very simple, but left a powerful message about how humans will go to great lengths to destroy that which does not fit their definition of 'normal'. I may be wrong or I may be right, but that's the impression I got.

Now, onto the less-cheerful part of the review...

One of the problems I had with the chapter was not enough background. I understand that this story is focused on the telepath and her life, but it wouldn't have hurt to add a little more detail about the nine evils, just so that reader can really immerse him/herself into the mindset and maybe understand the characters better. Some characters like Fred and Hannah have the potential to be much more aside from their reasons for being in the hospital, so you should consider that as well. A consistent problem I had was the odd grammar scattered throughout the chapter. I was able to read it clearly, but there were places that had a few out-of-place words, such as "I would die in this mental institution. Either from the tests and experiments or as an old lady. I'd given in." These three phrase could be combined into one sentence since as of now, they seem a bit choppy. I also found that the chapter seemed to move a bit fast, shifting from one situation to another without anything really sinking into the reader's mind. Even if it was to match the manic setting of the psychiatric hospital, it seemed to move too fast for me to really dive right into the telepath's point of view. Also, you should consider using different fonts to differentiate between the telepath's thoughts and the voices since it may cause a bit of confusion for the reader.

The Verdict!?

I thoroughly enjoyed starting this story. It has the potential to be something great in the future, so please keep going with it!

Thank you for the input for chapter 2. Since it was one of my earlier chapters, when this story was more or less a concept, I may have missed several typos so thanks for pointing them out. Regarding the young girl in the story, there's a reason she cries so easily, which will be revealed in a *much* later chapter when her character is more-developed. I try to keep the whole story in past tense except for moments when it is more effective in the present, so I can understand your confusion there. Please keep reading if you enjoy, but I won't be upset if you have other things to do.

You're absolutely right about letting the reader think he/she was a god since that's what I was trying for, but I wasn't sure how to go about that. From your comment, it looked like the way I used it worked, so thank you for your input there! I'll definitely change the format for shouting though, since I do agree with you about the all-caps seeming unprofessional. What you also said about the protagonist's name is also correct, since I'm at that point where most readers tend to ignore my notes and go right into the chapter. Thank you for your comment, it really helps me to look at this story from a different perspective!