Sparkatale

Ariana seems a very interesting character. I like her childlike innocence, it contrasts well with Kayla’s more heavy personality. She reminds me of a character from a favourite anime of mine :P I’m curious to learn more about her past and why she’s so afraid of the dark (I have a theory, I want to see If it’s true). I’m also looking forward to seeing how their relationship progresses :)

There were a few places in this chapter where you slipped into second person. Personally, I don’t really think it’s a problem but some people can get picky about that sort of thing, so it may be worth editing it out. Secondly it's very long, which can sometimes be intimidating. I also think you should be careful when using acronyms and slang, especially more obscure ones. I had no idea what FUBAR stood for so I had to look it up in the urban dictionary :P

Overall, a good first chapter. I’m looking forward to the rest.

Thanks for the comments! You're completely correct about the slipping into second person. It's a terrible habit that I have that has proven very difficult to break. I've been working to catch myself whenever I do it recently, but I do need to go back and edit those places.

Chapter 1 is super long, I agree. Point of interest, it was originally a third longer than it is now. I did tons of editing and trimming to get it to the length that it is now. Looking back, I've wished I could shorten it but when I try it doesn't read as well. It feels like it's missing something.

The slang bit is something I really have to work on and I have to watch myself very carefully when I'm writing. In my part of the world, we use words and phrases that aren't used many other places so I have to make sure I don't slip up and use words no one else will understand. FUBAR was one of those times I messed up. I've got family in the military so I hear that all the time and it slipped through. I need to edit that too.

I wonder how Claire died. I’m sure this will be revealed eventually :3 I admire Kayla and Ariana for riding a motorcycle (I have an irrational fear of them, you see :P). Anyway, I once again liked the interaction between the two girls. It seems very natural, and I can clearly sense the bond they’ve formed. So good job :) I’m also curious about Ariana’s past, the holes on her hand makes me think she’s been crucified or something similar, like just having nails hammered into her hands without the whole cross part >.<

One thing I find (similar to the slang thing from the chapter before) is that it’s better not to use brand names when referring to things. “She looked down at Ariana's hand again and noticed a round scar on the back of it roughly the diameter of a Sharpie”. I didn’t know what a Sharpie was, because in my country we use different brands of permanent marker (and we just call it that). I had to look it up in the urban dictionary again (it’s my best friend, really :P). It’s not that big an issue, because obviously there are differences between countries, even if they both have English as a major language. I mean, if a story’s set in America it would be weird for them to not use American terms :P Still, it’s something to consider. However, other than that, I think your language has definitely improved from the last chapter. I only spotted one place where it slipped into second person, and I’m sure if you edit at some point this can be fixed :)

I like how this chapter gives us a little more information about Kayla. I’m even more curious about how Claire died now, plus I wonder what the stupid thing Kayla did was :P I like Cooper, although he seems a little young to be a manager if he’s Kayla’s age. But that doesn’t really matter XD

I must admit, I’m not the biggest fan of that song. I’m a rock girl, myself XD It is an appropriate song, though, I think. Sorry for rambling, by the way, I tend to do that… Anyway, the dance was really sweet. It’s cute how Kayla has realised her feelings, I wonder what she’ll do now…

Thanks for the comments. By all means, ramble away! I often do the same thing! It's bad when I have to spend a few minutes editing my comments because I've gone on too long...

Yeah, Cooper really is a bit young to be a manager. I need to do some editing on that. Maybe make him a bit older or his family owns the shop or something. I'll look into it because that really doesn't fit

I'll agree that I don't like that song either, which is weird because I use it a few more times. Like you say, though, it's just so appropriate that I had to use it. I scrolled through Youtube looking for sappy songs for that chapter and nothing else fit the scene like that one did.

Aww, Ariana is really sweet. I like that she’s obviously been through a lot and yet she’s still got a good heart. It’s nice to read about a character who’s genuinely a nice person, most of the books/mangas I read have these brooding badass anti-heroes, so it’s a nice change really :P The only complaint I have so far is that their relationship is moving a little too fast for my liking (I mean it’s only been a few days and Kayla’s already got a thing for her) but that’s just a personal preference, and it doesn’t affect the story that much anyway :P

Oh, we’re finally going to find out about Kayla’s past. I’m excited :D

Yeah, Ariana's a sweetheart. That was really my vision for her. I wanted her to have a generous and giving nature, despite all she's been through. I hope I succeeded. She's definitely not a badass anti-hero, although now I'm picturing her in a chainmail bikini battling a dragon with a flaming sword. Hmm... you're giving me ideas... :P

Their relationship has moved, and continues to move over the next few chapters, far too fast. It's something I've seriously considered changing, but when I look at just how large of a rewrite I would have to do it just doesn't seem worth it.

I've come to rationalize it by thinking that because of how long Kayla as been alone and on the run, forced to abandon her family and losing Claire, she kind of has this need to love someone and Ariana is just so easy to love that it just came on more quickly. I need to go back and work that into a chapter somewhere... maybe show a bit more of Kayla's thought process on the subject. It's something to look into. Thanks! :D

I must admit, Kayla’s past was not what I expected. But that’s a good thing, I found her past really sad, plus it definitely explains a lot of her behaviour and guilt. By the way, I like how Kayla seems to be bisexual (well, I’m assuming she is considering that Dwayne was her boyfriend). Although I think gay and lesbian characters are gaining acceptance and are more often positively portrayed now than not, I feel like bisexuality is still unrepresented in modern media. And when it is there, it’s almost always not taken seriously. Sorry for rambling, I’m one of those people who is very invested in things like this :P Anyway, I like how Kayla is discovering there is more to Ariana than just a sweet, innocent little girl. I really liked how she accepted Kayla’s past, it shows her strength as a person and demonstrates how she understands people.

Thanks for the comment! Most people that read this believe that Kayla was directly responsible for Claire's death and as such has been on the run from the law, and in an early draft that was actually the case. Eventually, I decided on a more unorthodox route and instead of having her on the run from the law, she's hiding from someone who's trying to kill her. That also allows me to play on the idea that Dwayne is still out there looking for her. That constant threat of him finding her hangs over both of the girls. 

Kayla is bisexual and I agree that it is definitely underrepresented and really always has been. I made the conscious decision to made Kayla bisexual, but also to really make the whole thing kind of a non-issue. I wanted it to be there and to be seen and referenced (which Kayla does in chapter 3 when she's talking to Cooper and here again in chapter 5) but I didn't want to make a huge deal out of it and end up coming off as perhaps disrespectful. I wanted to mention it, acknowledge it, and then let it be. It's there to be seen just like any other aspect of these characters, but it never becomes a focal point of the narrative. It isn't any more important or less important than any other part of Kayla.

There's definitely more depth to Ariana than there first appears to be. She has the sweet, innocent side that she shows to the world, but underneath there's a long going on. She uses that innocence almost like a shield, a way to protect herself from what she's really feeling... if that makes sense.

Ariana has an incredibly forgiving nature. She forgives everyone, even those who aren't deserving of it. Even if someone hurts her, she'll let it go and forgive them even if she knows they'll do it again. It's beautiful, but it puts her in a position to be abused very easily.

The beginning was really funny, I was laughing out loud. I really liked Kayla’s internal conflict in this chapter. It’s sad how she’s torn between her feelings for Ariana and her love for Claire. I think you portrayed it really well, and I think that sort of thing would be very relatable for people who’ve lost someone, especially a spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend :P As they begin to move on to new partners, there’s that guilt that it means their love for the other wasn’t real, or they’re forgetting about them. Obviously it’s not true, but it’s what a lot of people go through and I think you portrayed this really well.

Ariana is just really sweet. I find her character really refreshing. Generally characters like her can seem unrealistic, but in Ariana’s case she feels like a real person, so good job :) The kisses were really cute, I’m excited to see how their relationship will grow. I’m so jealous, I wish I could see snow XD Like Kayla, I come from a place where snow is non-existent :P

Haha! I was looking for something to lighten the mood after the previous chapter and I guess that worked! It's great having a character like Ariana that I can use for comic relief. She can say anything really and it doesn't seem strange or out of place. I'm glad you find Ariana refreshing. As much as I like writing her and keeping her weirdness, I worry she might end up coming off as annoying or unrealistic.

Kayla's guilt over her feelings for Ariana is something I worked on for quite some time. She carries a lot of guilt, unnecessarily in my opinion, over a lot of things and most of them aren't her fault. She blames herself for Claire's death and moving on feels like she's betraying her. She'll struggle with that for a while.

Oh, and to be honest, I HATE snow. Where I live we see snow a couple of times each winter and only a few inches at most. At these times, my entire city shuts down. Literally, everything is closed. Meanwhile, you can easily get out and drive if you're just a little careful. It is really pretty though...

The main thing I thought of this chapter, was “well that escalated quickly”. Like I said before, I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing, it’s just my personal taste. When I write/read romances, I like them to be really slow and the characters to be really clueless, so it's probably just me :)

Anyway, I really liked the section from Ariana’s point of view. I think it really shed a lot of light on her character, as the inside her seems quite different from the one on the outside :P I was surprised she’d attempted suicide, but it makes sense. The ending scene was very heart-warming, you can definitely tell how much the two girls care for each other :D

Yep, having that happen so soon was something I never intended to happen. It was to be much later, but when I was writing this chapter it just fit. It's one of the many places this story has taken a turn and gone a different direction than I first envisioned. Don't worry, though, there's a good bit of clueless romance coming and although it isn't between Ariana and Kayla, it's definitely in there. I'll admit, I generally prefer romances to be slow myself. But for these two it felt like it should happen fast. It should be unexpected and happen in the moment. Especially for Kayla, who already wishes she hadn't waited around when Claire was still alive. I thought that she would try and see where their relationship could go while she still has time.

The part from Ariana's POV was originally completely different. The entire story was to be written entirely from Kayla's POV and never switch to Ariana's. However, when I got to this point it seemed like such a great way to explore more of Ariana without going to deep into what happened to her. Glad you liked it!

And you're right; the side of Ariana that she shows to the world is very different from the side she keeps hidden and she has very good reasons for that.

Ariana's suicide attempt was something that I knew from the beginning was part of her back story. She even very vaguely hints at it when she gives Kayla the bottle in chapter 3. I wasn't sure when I would reveal it, but when I decided to do the section from Ariana's POV, it was a good fit since I was trying to show off the darker side of side of Ariana.

Another good chapter. I sense something bad will happen soon.  There was too much humour, too much sweetness in this chapter… It’s almost too happy, like a calm before the storm XD But I suppose the end was quite sad, so maybe I’m exaggerating :P Anyway, Ariana once again shows her inner smartness. I wish I had a friend as generous as Ariana. I could definitely do with a new car :P I like Cooper, by the way. I like how he takes care of Ariana, he obviously cares a lot for her :) I’m really curious as to what happened to her, I hope we find out soon. I mean, I have an idea, but it’s not enough to satisfy my curiousity :3

P.S. That song is actually growing on me… When I was reading this I got it stuck in my head and listened to it on youtube. And then I felt all sad and emotional and listened to a bunch of other cheesy songs… You’ve corrupted me, I say! XD

Haha! Ah, the power of music! :P You're one of us now.

This was really one of those chapters that I wanted to just let the girls have a little fun. You're right that there is a storm coming pretty soon and this chapter needed to be lighter and happier to balance out some of the darkness of the next couple of chapters. Plus, chapters like this let me have fun writing Ariana. She can be hilarious to write sometimes. Oh and as a point of interest, this chapter was actually once called 'The Calm Before the Storm'.

Glad you like Cooper. He's really protective of Ariana. He thinks of her as his baby sister and he sees Kayla as someone who could put her in danger. Unfortunately, I've really underutilized him so far, but I'm starting to integrate him much more. He has a pretty major storyline coming up soonish. 

You'll find out much of Ariana's past soon, I promise. I'm sure you can guess when just by the chapter titles!

I liked the contrast between Kayla and Ariana. You flashed out both characters well, they have their own distinct personalities and the chemistry between them is just right. I find Kayla quite relatable (I'm rather into motorcycles than pink). Ari is quite intriguing - sometimes she behaves as though as she's mentally handicapped, only to sound like a perfectly normal person. Her naivety and cheerful attitude make her seem pure and innocent, like a child.

I have an impression that the girls' relationship progresses very quickly.

The first encounter was written well and Kayla's emotions are depicted nicely.

This was the best chapter so far, although I was disappointed that Dwayne's visit was just a dream. Nevertheless, there were major developments; the erotic scene was very nice. You didn't go overboard with it and it was detailed enough to describe what was going on there. It was sweet and tender, so I suppose you deserve a praise for it ;-)

So far, the story is very fluffy, but I feel that it lacks obstacles. Reading about the developing relationship between Ari and Kayla is heartwarming, but doesn't quite keep on the edge of the seat. It would be good if there were some unexpected plot twists, obstacles to overcome, misunderstandings, bloodthirsty murderers - anything that would make readers cheer for the heroine(s).

Thanks for the comments! Yeah, I know that dream sequence can be seen as disappointing to some, dream scenes often are. But who's to say? Maybe it could happen for real some day.

I'm glad you liked the erotic scene (that's really weird for me to say). I originally considered being more... graphic... with the scene, but in the end it just didn't fit. That, and I wrote most of it on a red eye flight back home from NYC and the guy sitting next to me kept reading what I was typing. It was a very uncomfortable flight.

You're quite correct that the story is very fluffy up to this point. The background threat of Dwayne possibly finding Kayla really doesn't serve as a strong, constant danger to counteract the light and fluffiness of the rest of the story. However, there is a point (and I hope this isn't too much of a spoiler) where the plot turns from being happy to dark and very dangerous and stays that way for a while. While I still keep some humor around, the story definitely takes a much darker turn later on.

Thanks again for reading!

I understand Coop's concerns. After all, Kayla is someone who appeared in Ari's life only one week ago - it's quite surprising that they already live together, buy stuff and even made it to the third base. It's impossible to get to know another person in such a short time. If I were Coop, I wouldn't trust Kayla with Ari; someone who professes love after seven days is definitely suspicious (may be a drug dealer too ;-)).

Oh, absolutely! Coop's concerns are completely valid and, were I in his position, I'd feel the exact same way he does. Ariana is like a little sister to Coop and he's extremely protective of her. The thing is, he doesn't even realize just how dangerous Kayla is. Not because she would hurt Ariana herself, but because Dwayne is still hunting her. Coop is completely right and justified in his suspicions, he just doesn't realize that the danger isn't Kayla herself, just what she could bring down on Ariana simply by association.

Also, I'm very interesting in what would happen should Coop learn the truth about Kayla. There's definitely room for a story there.

First, I sense that something bad may happen soon (I hope).

Moreover, it was great to read Ari's POV - it was interesting to get an insight in her thoughts, discover how she sees the current situation and even delve into her traumatic past. Kayla's history is bad, but I have an impression, that it may turn out to be not that horrible compared to Ari's past. So, she was molested (probably it was worse than that); I'm curious who was the culprit. My first suspect is someone close to her, like father, stepfather or brother.

Haha! You're getting closer to bad things happening, I promise! :D

Ari's POV was something I heavily debated doing. I originally intended to never switch from Kayla's POV, but telling portions of the story from Ari's POV opened up so many new avenues for storytelling that I had to do it. It let me explore Ari's past before Kayla learned about it. It also allowed me to show the stark contrast between the version of herself she shows to the world and the real girl that she is inside.

Your impressions about Ariana's past is really the thing that almost kept me from including Ari's POV and nearly made me rewrite this chapter. Revealing as much of her past as I did in this chapter takes some of the power out of the actual reveal. Not a lot, because even what I do say is mostly open to interpretation. In the end, though, I'm glad I wrote it this way and will continue to switch to Ariana's POV from time to time.

It looks like my intuition was right. Ari's story turned out to be far more terrifying than I expected - I was ready for rape and beating, but what you described was inhumane (but plot wise excellent). This chapter was very dramatic and it captured 100% of my attention. Well done!

The only thing that doesn't seem quite right, is the fact that the psychiatrist told Kayla Ari's story. The doctors are supposed to keep the info on their patients secret (the exceptions are family members); it's unlikely that he would blabber everything to a girlfriend. However, I understand that without it, it would be damn hard to push the plot forward. I doubt that Ari would be willing to share her past with anyone quickly.

This was, without question, the most difficult chapter of this story to write to date. I wrote it at least five different ways before settling on one. I had Ariana telling Kayla everything, but it felt wrong. I don't think she would talk about it willingly because she never wanted Kayla to know in the first place.

I also considered having her past revealed just by telling it from Ari's POV but that still didn't solve the problem of Kayla learning the truth. It was, however, far more detailed. I was much more descriptive of what happened to Ariana. It was dark and quite frankly sadistically terrifying. That part may be used at a later time.

The only other path that seriously considered was having Ariana answer the door and talk with the doctor instead of Kayla. She would have overheard the conversation like Ari did. It would have solved the problem you mentioned about doctor-patient confidentiality, but as both Ari and the doctor would have known all the gory details, it was hard to explain everything logically without both of them talking about things they would already know.

In the end, I chose plot over realism and tossed doctor-patient confidentiality out of the window for the sake of storytelling.

Aw, it’s really cute how Ariana has stopped being as afraid of the dark. I think that was a really good way of showing how Kayla has changed her. She’s a very kind person, wanting to help all these people she doesn’t know. I fear her generosity may get her into trouble someday.

Oooo, some more info about Ariana’s past. I can tell the next chapter is going to be very informative, but now I’m almost scared to find out. Whatever happened exactly, it’s probably much worse than what I’m thinking (and what I’m thinking is pretty bad).

An error I noticed:

“She looked into the long mirror hung above the sinks. She looked almost as bad as she felt.” Well, it’s not really an error, but personally I find it repetitious and would change the “she looked” part in the second sentence to something else. Sorry, I’m picky XD

There's definitely been, and continues to be, a gradual shift in Ariana towards... normalcy. Especially her fear which starts to be lowered to a more manageable level. She'll probably never be completely normal, mainly because I think it would kill too much of her charm, but also just because too much has happened to her for her to ever fully recover.

Thanks for pointing out that error. You're not being picky at all, that line reads horribly. Working on changing that right now. Thanks!

I found it a bit strange how the doctor was telling Kayla about Ariana’s treatment, when she wasn’t even there. I mean, at first he was hesitant but then after finding out Kayla was her girlfriend he just told her everything… She could have been lying XD As he said he could get into a lot of trouble for doing that, as doctors have to keep the information confidential, and he seemed to give it up almost too easily. I would have expected him to at least confirm that Kayla was who she said she was. Anyway, aside from that complaint, this chapter was great. Very emotional, and the things that happened to Ariana were far worse than I’d imagined :( Once again I’m getting the feeling that something very bad is about to happen…

Thanks for the comment! Yeah, everyone brings up the doctor and I completely agree about that. I spent ages writing and rewriting this chapter trying to come up with a better version of that scene. I even spent hours on Google, looking for any loophole that would give the doctor reason to tell all of that to Kayla. There isn't one. My problem is I don't want Ariana present when Kayla learns the truth, but as only the doctors responsible for her care know the truth I ran into a pretty serious roadblock. There's no one else that could tell Kayla because Ariana would never do it herself. I am going to figure out a better way for that scene to work because it still bugs me. I thought about changing it so that Ariana answers the door instead of Kayla, who would then eavesdrop on the conversation like Ariana does in the current version. The only problem with that would be that both Ari and the doctor know everything and it would be hard to give a lot of detailed info without both of them explaining things that the other would know about. I don't know, I'm gonna keep working on it.

I'm glad you're getting a bad feeling about the future here. I wanted to have a subtle feeling of something terrible looming on the horizon over the next few chapters without really talking about it directly. Without giving away too much,(although just by looking at the chapter titles will give you some idea) things are about to take a darker turn.

I have to say, I saw Kayla visiting the prison the minute she stepped into that car. Also, was the Rachel Greene thing a reference to Friends? :P I found that quite funny, it made me laugh even though it was a serious moment XD Adrian’s story about religion and stuff reminded me of this Criminal Minds episode I watched once. It’s interesting how people use religion like that… I’m not even remotely religious, but it still bothers me :P Sorry for rambling, btw. He certainly is a creep, that’s for sure… The way he was talking about Ariana made me shiver, ugh. I have to disagree with Kayla, though. He should be left alive, because in my opinion life imprisonment is much worse than death… Gosh, I’m sadistic XD

The end scene with the boat was cute, though. The ominous vibes are increasing though… I’m getting very edgy, I know something is coming… XD

Yeah, it was a Friends reference. At first I put that name in as a filler until I came up with whatever name I wanted to use. Then I forgot about it and by the time I got around to proof reading and remembered it I just decided to leave it. Figured it might get a giggle out of someone and hopefully lighten up an otherwise dark chapter.

Adrian's a really messed up guy! Like you say, Kayla going to the prison was pretty obvious, but I wanted to give readers a better look at just who this man is. His use of religion as a sort of 'Get Out of Jail Free' card was something I thought he might do just to toy with Kayla, although I think part of him actually believes he's been forgiven. Of course, there's also part of him that doesn't think he did anything wrong in the first place. As I said, he's a messed up guy.

There was a version of this chapter where Adrian gave more... details of what he did to Ariana. I'm talking very graphic details, but I actually felt a little sick to my stomach writing it so much of that was cut. That... and I figured Kayla really would kill him if he said much more! XD

I agree about Kayla being wrong about killing him. There are many worse fates than death, after all. Although, if you're sadistic, I'm really in trouble because I'm pretty sure a life sentence in a medieval torture chamber is where I'd put him!

Oh no, Dwayne’s going to come for her! Although I’m scared about what he do, at the same time it’s good to have a bit of conflict. So far the story has been quite fluffy (In a dark sort of way, considering their pasts and stuff), so I like that the plot is beginning to pick up.

Overall, a good chapter. It was very sweet, but that just makes me even more nervous… Something bad is going to happen, and I feel it will be very soon O.o Particularly given the title of the next chapter ;)

I call it 'fluffy darkness' myself. This story is full of it. It's sweet, but there's this darkness that kind of hovers in the background. Well, at least that's what I've been aiming for. This chapter was the last gasp of sweetness for a while. Without giving any spoilers, bad things are clearly about to happen ;P I'm not too shy to say that I cried like a little girl while writing chapter 14. Thanks for the comment!

Wow, what a mood whiplash that was. The first half of the chapter was sweet, like previously, but the end… Well, I suspect many tears will be shed in the next chapter. Anyway, overall you’ve done a very good job at building up the anticipation and tension of Dwayne’s appearance. I’ve been expecting it for ages, but at the same time, it was still a shock XD So good job.

I have a da….ughter? Am I right, am I right? I suppose you probably can’t tell me even if I am :3 It would fit, considering they were talking about children and stuff. And considering Ariana’s past, I highly doubt her dad was that careful with the birth control, so it’s very plausible. I'm assuming if she does have a kid they got taken into custody and adopted or something. I wonder if I’m right…

Mood whiplash! That's good, I'm going to have to remember that. I need to use that somewhere XD. There will be tears, I assure you. Lots of them.

Dwayne was clearly going to show up at some point. It's pretty much a given from the very beginning that these two are going to meet and have a final showdown at some point. I'm glad it managed to come as a shock, though!

Now, now, if I told you that where would the fun be? It's kind of Ariana's last secret and she's buried it pretty deep. It won't be brought up again for a good while. Obviously these girls have more pressing matters to deal with for the time being ;P

Sorry for taking a while to get to this… I have a very scary exam this week O.o And I must admit I was kind of scared to read it… Quite rightfully so, I might add :(

Nooooooooooo, Ariana!!!! As this is the world of fiction, I’m sure she’ll survive (but probably with some sort of medical problem) but still!!!! It was so upsetting when Kayla had to pretend that Ariana meant nothing to her (I was impressed by her acting skills, btw). I kept hoping Dwayne would buy it and leave them alone, but no… What a bastard (sorry if you think that word is offensive, in my country it’s not a “serious” swear word).

Anyway, overall you did a great job building up the tension and the final moment, where Ariana got shot, even though I was expecting something bad I was still going, “Nooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!”

Oh, no worries! Good luck on that exam :D Hope you do well!

Let me first say that I'm very similar to George R. R. Martin in regards to the lives of my characters XD. None of them are ever truly safe. That's not to say Ariana dies, of course, although I seriously debated whether or not she would survive. Part of me really wanted to see what Kayla would do if Ariana died and that part put up one hell of a fight trying to win. I wasn't sure, even when I posted that chapter, whether Ariana would survive her wounds or not!

I'm glad you liked Kayla's acting talents. There was a version that led the reader into thinking that Kayla was actually serious, but I kind of hated it just a little bit so that version died tragically. Additionally, 'bastard' isn't nearly strong enough of a word to describe Dwayne XD. I'll not say what he is here, but well... yeah. I still want to go back and do a little editing to make him even worse. I love writing bad guys, but Adrian's still out there, so I have opportunities. :)

Oh, the emotions. Kayla’s reactions to everything in this chapter seemed very realistic, it was very sad. Especially her anger and guilt, I think you portrayed them very well. I’m kind of getting the feeling that she needs to start viewing Ariana a little more realistically, though. Putting her on a pedestal (calling her an angel, etc etc) like that really isn’t a good foundation for a relationship. If Ariana wakes up (and gets back to her old self) I hope she begins to view her a bit more realistically. I also liked Cooper’s reactions too, and Kayla’s conversation with her mum. Overall, you did very well with the emotions in this chapter.

Some of the medicine and procedures bugged me a little, though. I highly doubt they’d let Kayla in the room while trying to revive Ariana, generally someone would take family members/partners/friends outside (because honestly, they’d just get in the way). I also found it strange that they didn’t call security or something when Kayla was smashing everything. Medical equipment is very expensive, after all. I mean, they’d be used to angry reactions but I highly doubt they’d just leave the room and let her destroy stuff, especially if she was threatening them with a scalpel or whatever. She could get into a lot of trouble for that, but the doctors and nurses didn’t seem to care, which was strange for me. Plus, they’d never allow her to lock herself in the room with sharp instruments in such a vulnerable state. I would expect someone to be pounding on the door and trying to get in, not waiting politely outside while she’s slitting her wrists.

 Also, ten minutes without oxygen and a build up of carbon dioxide isn’t just a miracle, it’s pretty much impossible. I mean, most people can't even hold their breath for a few minutes without passing out. The brain is an incredibly active tissue, and once the neurons die they can’t regenerate (neurons in the central nervous system are some of the only cells that can’t undergo mitosis and divide). Personally I think you should make her heart beat again a little sooner, so cynics and science nerds like me don’t get annoyed :P

Thanks for the comment! I'm glad you mentioned Kayla's views of Ariana because that will turn into an important thing later on. She really is putting Ariana on a pedestal and while she is a very sweet, good person, she's still just human. Kayla's developing a bit of an unhealthy obsession with her for reasons that we'll delve into later. She's also starting to show some cracks in her mental state right about now.

Thanks for pointing out those errors. You're completely right on all accounts there. I'll definitely do some rewriting there as soon as I can. I was so focused on making sure I brought out as much of Kayla's feelings and emotions that I neglected realism. It works sometimes for the sake of storytelling, but it's far from necessary here. I'll fix it. :D 

I'll say though that Ariana being dead for as long as she was was done somewhat on purpose. I don't want to say too much because it has to do with the ending (although a few details appear in the next chapter) but there have been supernatural undertones throughout the story so far, what with the idea that fate or destiny is sort of guiding these girls along a predetermined path.

It was meant to come off as a miracle because you're right, no one could possibly survive that long without oxygen. I probably will change that too though, just so that it is a bit more logical. Thanks again! :D

Heh, I see what you meant about supernatural stuff :P Overall, a very good chapter. It was interesting to see inside Ariana’s mind. What happened to Ariana reminds me of this case we studied in my psychology elective last year… That girl was locked in a dark room too. Sorry, had a bit of a nerd moment there :P

Ugh, Ariana’s father is just… Let me just say I’m glad he’s rotting in prison (although, I have a theory that he’ll escape at some point…). Although, her mum seems pretty bad too. How could she let him do those horrible things to her daughter? Although, I’m assuming he was probably cruel to her too, and that made her compliant.

Please, by all means have nerd moments! I'm notorious for my own nerd moments, so I understand! Actually, I did quite a bit of reading on the effects of people being locked in the dark for extended periods and cherry-picked the ones for Ariana that I liked (liked here having the meaning of 'terrified me').

I'm glad Adrian seems to disgust you! I know that's an odd thing to be happy about, but I was trying to make him as sick, twisted, and loatheable as possible without getting too gory with the details.

Ari's mother is a character that I really do need to explore more. You're right that Adrian was very cruel to her as well, which made her a lot like Ariana in her desire to please him although in her case she knew very well that what was happening was wrong. I will say that there is a very good reason why Ariana shot her mother instead of her father when she had the chance ;D

You continue to portray emotions very well. I liked how her mum felt guilty too. Also, Kayla’s grief seems realistic to me – not eating, depressed, etc. etc. It’s not over the top, but it’s not downplayed either. So good job :D

I’ve probably mentioned this before, but I like Cooper’s relationship with Ariana (and Kayla too, for that matter). I’m glad he isn’t in love with one of them, as I feel a lot of authors like to add annoying love triangles where they really shouldn’t be… Ugh, I hate those things (love triangles, I mean). Sorry for the rant xD

Oh, and a minor complaint – the hospital would have surely cleaned the blood off Ariana’s fingers. Hygiene and all that. Sorry for being so picky xD

Thanks for the comment! I'm glad you find Kayla's grief realistic. I tend to write overly dramatic at times and I find that I often have to consciously dial that back down because I've far overplayed character's emotions. This is particularly true in Kayla's case. She's supposed to overreact the things, that's part of her nature, but sometimes I go overboard XD.

I've long fought against (and pretty much defeated) the idea that Cooper could have or might have had some form of romantic feelings toward Ariana. I, too, hate love triangles so it never would have been anything like that. More of a 'I regret I never gave it a shot' type of thing. I don't know. I really prefer the brother/sister bond they have right now though.

Please, continue to be as picky as you'd like! :D Without anyone pointing out mistakes, flaw, etc, it's hard to fix them! I work on changing that when I do (yet another) editing pass. I'm terrible at editing xD.

I like Kayla’s sister. I like how she straight up said what she thought instead of dodging around the issue because of Kayla’s grieving. I think she really needed that, and it's good that somebody had the courage to do so :P I’m looking forward to seeing more of her. I found this chapter strangely humorous – like at the beginning, when Claire was yelling at Kayla. It was a nice light-hearted break from the angstiness of the previous chapters.

Anyway, this chapter had some interesting developments. I feel like now if Ariana dies Kayla might be able to live on. Although, I don’t want her to die, so I hope this doesn’t happen xD

Yeah, Kayla definitely needed someone willing to stop tiptoeing around her and tell her the truth. Sometimes that's what it takes to get through to someone and Kayla absolutely needed some cold, hard truth about how she's been acting. That's Alana, though. She's usually very... direct XD. I intentionally added some humor to this chapter because, quite frankly, I was getting depressed writing this. Everything has been dark for a while now even I needed a break from it!

Kayla has pretty drastic moods swings! One moment, like at the end of this chapter, she seems to be doing better and then she's down again and then back up. She really doesn't know what to feel most of the time. She's kind of lost right now, but I think she actually expects Ariana to die so she's beginning to prepare herself for what she feels is inevitable. Poor girl has a very pessimistic additude towards... everything really :P

Haha, I'm glad you don't want Ariana to die XD! Fun fact: I actually wrote both outcomes, one where she dies and the other where she survives. Given how much the idea of fate plays into this story, I flipped a coin to decide which one I would use :D  

Argh, another chapter passes and there’s still no information on Ariana’s fate! Oh well, it keeps me coming back for more, so it must be good writing ;-) Btw, I’m starting to think that Claire is more than just a hallucination. I mean, she seems to know things that Kayla couldn’t know, like Alana’s plans. So maybe she’s a supernatural element too? xD

I feel like now Kayla’s started to let Ariana go, she’s going to wake up :P Still, it was nice, her dream was very sad (and yet oddly heartwarming). I think you've portrayed Kayla's grief and how she's moving through it very realistically, I'm impressed :)

And it looks like Alana’s got a crush… I laughed quite a few times at that, some good humour is always nice amongst the angsty goodness :P

Haha, yes I debated for a long time just how long to let Ariana's life hang without a resolution or really even an update. If it's keeping you coming back, I guess I chose right :D 

Claire is... Claire is an enigma wrapped up in a mystery that we won't be unraveling for quite some time yet. She's involved with the ending, so I don't want to say too much about what she is or isn't. I've already probably said to much XD

Kayla is definitely coming to terms with the fact that Ariana isn't coming back at this point(that's not to say she isn't, of course!). It's good for her because she obviously doesn't handle death very well at all. I'm glad you find her grieving process realistic :D. I had quite a bit of trouble writing it. 

Oh, Alana! Yeah, she's got a crush. I get to have some fun with the two of them later on... Alana's not very good with the flirting.

Yay, she’s woken up! Although, the drama isn’t over yet… They just can’t catch a break, can they? I wonder if she’ll stay memoryless, and Kayla and her have to build their relationship again (or not, if the memoryless Ariana doesn’t want to). Interesting plot development, I’m curious to see what happens. Anyway, I really liked Ariana’s inner battle with her mind. I hope one day she will be brave enough to open the door by herself! :P

Ahem. Something I would like to point out is that I found it strange how Ariana’s brain was healing. Neurons in the central nervous system are some of the only cells in the boy that can’t regenerate. Not that there’s anything wrong with her brain healing as it’s probably because of a more supernatural reason than a medical one, but I’d expect the doctors to be really surprised, or something :P Well, more surprised than they already were.

Nope, they really can't catch a break! A series of unfortunate events might be a suitable description XD. On the memory loss bit, I knew I had to do something and not just have her wake up and be perfectly fine. I almost went with something else because memory loss was kind of predictable. Oh well. I'm glad you found it interesting :D I'll say that Ariana's inner battle might take a more outwardly course in the future... Is that a spoiler? Probably not. It probably didn't even make sense...

I'll definitely be doing some editing on this chapter when I get around to making another editing pass. I tried downplaying most of the references to the supernatural (which, yes you are correct, this is) when writing from Kayla's POV in an effort to keep it in the background as much as possible where she's concerned (Claire notwithstanding). But all it really did is make it seem as though Ariana's impossible recovery was nothing out of the ordinary when it clearly isn't. I'll get working on changing that soon. Thanks!

Claire’s a ghost! Or something like that ;) I wonder what she is. Still, none of the others seemed to notice her, so perhaps only Kayla and Ariana can, for some reason. I wonder why… Hmm, I’m intrigued ;)

I felt sorry for Ariana in this chapter. She seems like she’s trying really hard to remember, but it just isn’t working for her. Although I want her to regain her memories, I feel there’s too much pressure on her at the moment. I think at some point she’s going to snap at Kayla. Still, overall it was a very emotional chapter. I felt really sorry for Kayla too, you did well in portraying her desire for Ariana to remember everything she was, but at the same time trying not to freak her out.

Speaking of, I found memoryless Ariana very interesting. I like how she was almost a completely different person. It really shows how environment is such an important determinant of personality. Gosh, that was nerdy. Sorry :P

Everyone automatically assumes Claire is a ghost, which considering how she's represented in this chapter, is a perfectly reasonable assumption. I still can't say too much about her due to her involvement with the ending, but I will say that she isn't a ghost in the traditional sense. I'm glad she interests you, but unfortunately there won't be any real revelations about her for quite some time yet. ;)

I had entirely too much fun writing memoryless Ariana. I got to completely rework a character that I've known for a long time now and that was really exciting. I messed around with exactly how she would act for a long time. I even made a sort of Anti-Ariana at one point where she was the total opposite of the original Ariana in every way. She was really mean XD. But yeah, the version I settled on really is a completely different person and there's really none of the old Ariana left in her.

I'm glad you mentioned that Ariana is under too much pressure, because you're completely right. Kayla's putting a lot of pressure (and will continue to put even more) on her to remember and that's something that could easily blow up in her face at some point. But that's Kayla, though. She's terrible at dealing with this kind of stuff and tries to bulldoze over the problem to get the result she wants, but it never really works out way she plans :D

Hah! I was right. I knew she was going to say daughter before lol. Probably because I used a similar plot in my own story, so I’m biased :P I’m very curious to see what happens next. I wonder what happened to her. I guess she must've been adopted. Poor Ariana, her past was bad enough (bit of an understatement there), and she most likely had to give up her child too :(

Anyway, onto the rest of the chapter. I liked how Ariana slowly cracked as Kayla laid on the pressure. It was moving and sad, but yet I was also cringing as she detailed their relationship to the poor girl. I was thinking, “Noooo, Kayla, it’s too much!” Anyway, I very much enjoyed her small outburst at that point. It’s true, she’s no longer the girl Kayla knew (at least, for the moment). And then, in the second half of the chapter we can see how she’s become even more distant as the pressure to remember increases. Poor girl. Anyway, I think both of the girl’s reactions to her loss of memories were very realistic :) I have a feeling  Kayla’s going to do something drastic soon, though, if she doesn’t regain her memories…

Haha! Yep you were right! That was an incredibly disconnected payoff for that brief mention all that time ago. I don't think Kayla put it together with what Ariana was going to tell her. I don't think she even remembers the conversation. A lot's happened since then, after all XD. You'll learn a bit more about what happened in the next chapter, although not too much. It'll be a sad story for sure once its told in its entirety, but that won't happen for quite some time yet. (Blame LOST for my evil plot threads that hang for numerous chapters. That show made me into a truly infuriating writer :D)

Kayla's really going about this completely the wrong way, isn't she? That scene where she's recounting their relationship was absolutely meant to be sad and sweet and yet clearly the wrong thing for Kayla to do, so I'm very glad you were thinking 'it's too much' during that part :D I'm also glad you found their reactions realistic. I was a bit worried about that part initially due to the time jump that skips over a lot of it and I tried to make their interactions after the jump seem 'colder' than before the jump given that their obviously not getting along that well. It seems to work anyway :P

Sorry for taking so long to comment on this O.o I’m very busy at the moment, so my comments will probably be very slow :(

The part with her diary was very interesting and sad. It was nice to read about the story from Ariana’s perspective (if that makes sense). It’s sad Ariana had to give up her baby. It was the right thing to do, but still :( I wonder if at some point her adoptive parents will let her meet Ariana. I hope so, I think it would be good for her. The bit with the cat was sweet too. I wonder what will happen now. After all, memoryless Ariana isn't the happiest at the moment, and now Kayla probably wants her back even more... I still think she's going to do something drastic soon O.o

I am wondering why Ariana killed her Mum. Sure, she let her father do those things to her, and killing her meant she could escape… But I feel there is more than that.

Not to worry! My own comments are slow right now, so I completely understand. Please, never feel pressured to comment! We're not getting paid for any of this after all XD!

Anyway, yeah this chapter came to be mainly because writer's block hit me like a sledgehammer during this chapter (which was supposed to contain what takes place in chapters 24 and 25, neither of which am I satisfied with to this day) and so I took a friend's request to tell the whole story over again from Ariana's POV and the idea of 'clip show' that some TV shows are known to do when they go back and show scenes from earlier episodes and the pieces just fell into place. It also let me tell Fluffers' story, which I'd been trying to work in for a while :D

As for Ari's mother... well, I'll say only that you're right. There's more to it than that, and she might not have done it for the reasons you're thinking O.o

Wow. I guess I was right about Kayla doing something drastic. I know she really wants Ariana back, but I’m not sure if putting Ariana through this is the right thing to do. The poor girl’s been through so much already, and if it doesn’t work it’s going to make everything even worse…

Rose seems like a nice lady. I wonder if she will appear later in the story :P I always assume named characters are important, but maybe she’s just a one-off person. Anyway, it’s nice she helped Kayla even though they’d never met, although I’m not sure if what Kayla’s going to do is the right thing.

Anyway, I think there was a bit of exclamation mark abuse in some of Ari’s dialogue at the beginning :P I don’t know if it’s just me, but I always find it annoying when dialogue is full of exclamation marks. I think if we know they’re speaking intensely (from either the dialogue tag, or just the tone of what they’re saying) then it’s best to use them sparingly, you know?

By the way, I have a question: Is the title of this chapter a reference to “The rains of Castemere?” :P

Yeah, Kayla's definitely going too far with this one. In her mind, I think she believes that she's already lost Ariana anyway so if it doesn't work out she won't be any worse off than she was before. Of course, her mind doesn't always work like most people's do so she often comes up with really terrible plans :P

Rose will likely show up again in the future. I'm not sure exactly when I'll bring her back though. There's actually a brief reference to her in chapter 23 but it's so vague no one would probably ever notice it.

Thanks for pointing out the exclamation marks. I'll happily admit that I'm terrible with punctuation. I'll tidy that up a bit on my next editing pass :D And yes, the title is a The Rains of Castamere reference. I don't really want to talk about it... that episode makes me sad. Never get married in Westeros. Stupid weddings... :P 

Ariana’s back! Yay! I liked how her remembering was related to those dreams/unconscious thingies she was having before. It was a nice use of foreshadowing :P It's nice she finally found the courage to escape the room!

The bit with Cooper was heart-warming. Sorry, I’m a sucker for close platonic relationships :P I like reading about them almost as much, if not more, than romantic ones.

I felt that Ariana forgave Kayla too easily, though. I mean, for someone who went through something like that, I’d expect her to be a lot angrier at Kayla for putting her through it again. Her reaction while it was happening was very realistic and expected, but I felt she recovered a little too easily after. I don’t know, perhaps she was caught up in the moment what with realising she’d been memoryless for ages and stuff, but I feel like she still forgave Kayla too easily. It’s like their relationship went back to normal already, when I’d expect them to be a bit strained for a while. I wonder if after the initial shock and stuff she’ll be madder.

Thanks for commenting! You make a very good point about Ariana forgiving Kayla too quickly. It doesn't help that this chapter and the next were supposed to be one chapter but due to length I lopped off the upper third of chapter 25 and shifted the rest to make up all of 26. There's definitely a pretty heated fight between the two of them by the end of 26.

I didn't want Ariana to be angry with Kayla at the beginning of this one mainly because I felt that after hearing Kayla recount everything that had happened, Ariana's not the sort of person to tear into them about anything else right then. She's still upset and hurt, but like you say she's really trying to deal with the realization that it's suddenly six months later and so much has changed. That, and doesn't want to hurt Kayla when she's so happy, despite how terrible what she did was.

On the point of platonic relationships and friendships, I couldn't agree more! I'm a sucker for them too. I usually don't write them very often because I've found that if I make it the central focus it doesn't go well for me, but I love reading about them.

Gosh, that was a long chapter :P But, I can’t really think of a good place to split it, so I think it’s fine the way it is. But some people do have a problem with long chapters, so I guess it’s good to be aware of it. Still, the first part of the chapter until there fight was nice and humorous – after the darkness and sadness of the past chapters, it’s nice to get a bit of solid comedy again ;) The stuff with Alana and Cooper was cute too. It was interesting when he said that he’d once liked Ariana. I suppose it makes sense, but I like the platonic relationship they have now ;)

Anyway, the beginning was sweet and the emotions nice. I’m glad they fought, though. It adds more realism to the story, plus the things they argued about were things I’ve been concerned about (Kayla putting Ariana on a pedestal). I felt perhaps Ariana forgave her too easily (she said she didn’t, but it seemed to me she did :P), but then she is a forgiving person, and it would probably be hard not to after the big speech she gave ;)

Cultural differences are interesting. Where I come from damn isn’t considered a swear word at all (at least, not among most young people). But then Kayla was saying that Ariana swore because she said it :P I guess it must be a much worse word in America. Sorry for rambling, by the way.

Also, I’ve noticed this a few times now, but there are some places where you end dialogue “like this,” at the end of a sentence, when it should be “like this.” With a full stop instead of a comma as the sentence ends. It’s not a big deal, just something I’ve noticed happening a few times.

Yeah, this chapter is very long. I went way over my 6500 word limit on this one :P I've thought about splitting it up, but like you said there's not really a good point to do so. Once I'm finished with the story, I'll likely try to find a good point to split it because it bugs me that it's so long. I even dread doing an editing pass on it XD

Ariana is very forgiving so yeah, Kayla's speech definitely softened her a bit. Deep down, she's still hurt but she has her reasons for letting Kayla off the hook so easily which she'll talk about in the next chapter. She's still going to carry what Kayla did around with her for a good while though, even if she seems perfectly happy on the outside. It changed her view of their relationship and of Kayla herself and not in a positive way. She sees how cruel Kayla could be in certain circumstances now.

'Damn' would probably be considered a very light swear word over here, depending on where in the country you're from. I'm from New York and pretty much nothing's off limits up here, but I've got friends in the south and down there things must be a little different because apparently its not as acceptable there. Kayla was surprised just because it was Ariana that said it. If it had been anyone else she wouldn't have been but since Ariana's... well, she's Ariana, it came as a bit of a shock. I might change it so she says something else. No F-bombs because again she's Ariana, but I've got options :P

Also, thanks for pointing out the comma/period issue. I'll be sure to correct that in my next editing pass and I'll watch out for in the future. Thanks!

So I got up to this chapter. I like your writing style and the story definitely caught my interest. I loved the way you kept good grammar and your spelling was pretty awesome. I really cannot stand reading stories where the people were too lazy to fix their mistakes and they just put it out there. I feel putting a story out there is a representation of myself, and I would never not edit my story cause for me that would be embarrassing for people to see my mistakes, and I can relate on how annoy it is to look past those stupid mistakes that take ten minutes to fix, and half of them can be done on auto correct. The only thing I am sorry to say I didnt enjoy was the clichedness of the story. I mean I know nothing can truly be original anymore but some of those scenes you wrote were pretty sappy. Other than that excellent job it held my interest and i liked the way you wrote it. I wish you luck with this story. :)

-Steph

Thanks for commenting! You're completely right about the sappiness of the early chapters. Others have said the same thing. It's really sweet and cute and fluffy and while you'll start to see some dark things have happened as these girl's back stories are revealed, there's really no conflict or threat to either of them for quite some time. Later on, though, it doesn't get very dark indeed and there's much less sappiness, I promise :D I promise, I'll get back to yours tomorrow. I'll have some free time and I'll be able to get to several of the stories I'm trying to read.

It’s very late here, so I apologize in advance if this comment doesn’t make much sense :P

Hah, Rose! That’s interesting that she is the same person as the nurse Ariana knew. In my country we would say that she got “Perthed” :P Although, it didn’t happen in Perth, but whatever. Either way, it’s still a small world ;) I hope she appears again (I think I said that before :P) because she was cool. I wonder how Ariana and Kayla’s relationship will be different from now on. Even though Ariana has forgiven Kayla, she has definitely revealed her “dark side” and I’m curious to see how things will change.

I wonder if, or when, Ariana will visit her father. I have to say, I’d be very interested to see how that played out. Ariana may not think she’s that brave, but I think if she keeps building up her courage she’d be able to do it.

In this chapter (and part of the previous one) I felt like the characters were monologuing instead of actually talking at some point. I mean, the speeches they give are very romantic or meaningful depending on the situation, but they don’t really seem like they are actually sitting there saying these things to someone else, if you know what I mean. Maybe you could break them up somehow with some sort of action or movement in between the paragraphs of dialogue. Even something as simple as clearing throats, fidgeting, the sort of things people do when they talk, may help. Otherwise, the story just stands still while the characters deliver these big speeches. Sorry if that doesn't make sense, by the way. As I said I'm very tired :P

Also, in this chapter they kept switching between Dr Pinder and Dr Bradley. I honestly can’t remember what his name was from the last time he appeared, so I was getting a bit confused :P

Haha, yep it's a small world! (Or is it? O.o) I was going to call this chapter 'Six Degrees of Separation' just because of that but it was such a small part of the chapter that I decided against it. Rose will definitely be back at some point, but I'm not sure when. I've got some ideas, but nothing concrete yet.

Their relationship, for the time being, will mostly be as it was. It's more that Ariana now knows exactly what Kayla is capable of and she has to come to grips with Kayla's dark side and find a way to prepare for the day it comes out again. There is definitely still a part of Ariana that's mad at Kayla and there will be times that she reminds Kayla just how badly she hurt her.  

I think it's pretty clear that Ariana will have to come face to face with her father at some point. I'll not say how that will come about, or when, but obviously it has to eventually. It'll be an interesting meeting, I'll just leave it at that. 

Thanks for mentioning the bit about monologuing! That's an issue I have whenever I have one character speaking without anyone else talking for a while. I never know what reads better; just letting them keep talking or break it up in some way. If I break it up, it seems to lose a little of the impact in some way and yet like you say, if they just keep talking it reads like a monologue. I'll work on breaking it up soon and see if it helps. By the way, everything you said made perfect sense :D

On the Dr Pinder/Dr. Bradley bit; his name is Bradley Pinder (I really should mention his full name again in this chapter because he hasn't been seen since chapter 10). It was something I introducing back in chapter 23 in Ari's diary. I thought she would have some sort of nickname for him that no one else called him (Kay-Kay, for example). So, she calls him Dr Bradley while Kayla and his colleagues at work call him Dr Pinder as their relationship is more professional while Ari's is closer and more friendly. I should probably change it or somehow mention that only Ari calls him that so people know what's going on :D

Something I found a bit odd, was when Ariana is described as holding “Fluffers the Cat”. For one thing, I don’t really see why Cat is capitalised, and we already know Fluffers is a cat :P Anyway, it seemed a bit weird ;) And this might be an American-British English thing, but I have always spelt it “nightie” and I noticed you spelt it “nighty”. I find language differences interesting. Like in this chapter, with cotton candy. In Australia we call it fairy floss. Anyway, I thought I’d point the nightie thing out, although it might not be wrong :P Sorry for being such a nerd :P

I wonder why Ariana is scared of clowns. Is she scared of them because of the same reason I’m scared of them (they’re really creepy :P) or is there some other reason? xD

Anyway, I’m very intrigued at the moment because I don’t really have any idea of where this story is going to go at this point (which is a good thing. I like surprises). The only thing I’m certain is going to happen is Ariana meeting her father, as I said for the last chapter. But will they meet at the jail? Will he escape? I have no idea :P Although, Ariana and Kayla are going to go travelling, I guess, that’s something. I wonder where else they’ll go after San Diego (where is that, by the way? I mean, I know it’s in America, but where?). They should come to Australia ;) Still, I’m again getting the feeling that something bad is going to happen soon. They’re far too happy :P

Never apologize for being a nerd :P You're talking to the girl who has attended Comic-Con dressed up as 7 of 9 from Star Trek. I never once apologized. (I probably should have, but that's neither here nor there.)

Seriously though, the Fluffers the Cat thing... it's not something I do intentionally. I keep catching myself doing it and I always change it whenever I see it, but for whatever reason I keep doing it. An odd writing quirk I have I guess :D As for nighty/nightie, I actually Googled it beforehand because I'd seen it written both ways and wasn't sure which was correct. Suffice to say, I'm still not sure which one is right :P I flipped a coin and 'nighty' won. Nightie looks better though, so I may change it. By the way; I'm now referring to cotton candy only as fairy floss from this point forward XD

Ari's scared of clowns because, yes, they're extremely creepy :D I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds them disturbing.

I'm glad you don't know where the story is going, because that's exactly what I was aiming for with the next several chapters. I was essentially freeform writing with no real direction or goal in mind, I know that sounds terribly lazy but when something big does happen I want it to be a shock and a completely unexpected surprise that comes out of nowhere. I don't want anyone to see it coming :P Also, just because they're happy doesn't automatically mean something bad is about to happen! Admittedly, it usually does happen to these girls, but keep hope alive :D

Almost forgot! San Diego is California's southernmost city. It's almost on the US-Mexico border. I've been down there a couple of times in the summer and it's so nice! It has a small town feel in a way even though its a good sized city. It's a very good change of pace from the way things are up here in NYC :D 

Ahhh, I hate guns too!! xD I could definitely relate to Ari in this chapter :P Although my fear doesn’t stem from being shot by one, but still. Her thought process about it was interesting, though. I think it’s good if she’s able to gain a little confidence that way.

It’s interesting how Ariana had never seen the ocean. I never would have thought of that, because like Kayla I grew up with the beach close by, so it seems so normal to me :P But it got me thinking, of how endless it really can seem. You’re turning me into a philosopher! xD Still, I’m excited for the next few chapters. New York is one of those cities on my Places to Travel list, so it should be fun :3 I still have the feeling like anything could happen in this story from now on, so I'm excited.

If you don't like guns, you wouldn't want to stop by my uncle's house. He's got an arsenal, literally XD He has over 200 guns and a whole room dedicated to them! Although, if the zombies rise, aliens invade, or the British decide to come for their back taxes I know exactly where to go :P With Ariana though, yeah she's got a couple of good reasons to fear them, although learning how to shoot might help her out some day.

I'm the same way about the ocean! It's kind of always present here so I've never had that 'Wow!' moment of seeing it the first time. By the way, I like making people think about things! Philosophy was always one of my favorite subjects. Don't get me started on it though, I'll go on and on and on XD.

And you should definitely come to New York! If you can stand the crowds and have a good sense of direction, you'll love it :P I'm still happy you've got a feeling that anything can happen, because that was what I wanted!

I can’t say I’m an expert on New York, but Kayla and Ariana sure did seem to see a lot of museums and stuff in one day :P I don’t know about the geography of these places or how long it takes to visit them, but that struck me as odd. Or maybe I’m just lazy and could never do so many things in one day without collapsing :P

Ariana's reaction to seeing the September 11 memorial was sad. It's not really something I think of often, because we have our own memorial days and stuff for different things, but it definitely seemed fitting for her to have such a reaction. She's a very empathetic person, isn't she?

And Claire’s back! That part was definitely the most interesting bit of the chapter ;) I wonder what she is, a ghost? Or an angel, or something :P I wonder if she’ll appear again, maybe to Kayla next time.

I’m curious if Ariana will meet her daughter again. Part of me thinks she will, just to see if she’s okay and anything. I don’t think she’ll ever get to live with her or anything, as she’s been adopted. But I do hope that, if she wants to, the girl’s parents will let her meet Ariana. But then a part of me thinks she won’t, and Ariana will just be left to wonder what happened to her. I hope she does get to meet her, so she knows she’s okay an being treated well and stuff.

They did do quite a lot, but it's definitely possible to do it all. Coney Island and the aquarium are literally right next to each other and the two museums they went to are both in Central Park so they're easily within walking distance. The only thing that would take time would be traveling from Coney Island to Central Park, which depending on traffic shouldn't even take an hour. I'll stop now before I start giving you turn-by-turn directions :P

It's not surprising at all that you don't think of 9/11 that often. I watched those buildings collapse out of my living room window and I don't even think about it that often anymore. I almost cut that part honestly, because I thought it might come off as offensive to some but I really liked Ariana's reaction to it and so I ended up keeping it. Thankfully, no one's said it's inappropriate yet and I hope no one finds it so.

There's just nothing I can say about Claire that's not a spoiler XD. I suppose I can say that she will return again in the future and you will, eventually, learn what she is.

As for Ari's daughter, (her name has already been mentioned by the way, although so far no one I've asked has caught it until they get to the chapter later on where Ariana reveals it :P) again anything I say would be a spoiler. I guess I can say that anything is possible and the outcome of that storyline may, or may not, come as a surprise. Wow, that was cryptic wasn't it? XD  

Wow, that was really scary! I mean,  figured it was a dream straight away, but still… The suddenness of it all shocked me. Anyway, you did a great job of conveying Ariana’s fear and dread of her father finding her. I wonder how they’ll eventually meet. I don’t think he’ll escape (at least, I hope he doesn’t). I think, when Ariana’s ready she’ll go and visit him in prison. I’d like it that way, I think, because then she’ll be able to confront him on her own terms.

Some of her father’s  dialogue though – I don’t know, they seemed almost cartoon villain-like, if you know what I mean. For me they detracted from the fear for a bit, because they sounded like something straight out of a crime show. Like this one: “I like these titties”. This is just my personal opinion though – it was still creepy, and I’m sure that it would have been more effective for others.

I’m also curious about that song Ariana was singing. Is that the same one as she sung before? I wonder what significance it has. And after you said that her daughter's name has already been revealed I was like, "noooo, how did I miss it?" I even looked back through some of the chapters, but I couldn't find it :P

I've been considering changing some of Adrian's dialogue for a while now. At first I thought, given that it is a dream, Ariana's subconscious might make him even more villainous and evil than he really is. Adrian was never like that when he had her locked in the closet. He didn't say things like that to her and he never would. He always said sweet and loving things, despite what he was doing to her. I wrote it that way originally, but for a dream it felt wrong somehow. I may tone it down a little though, because like you say it probably would raise the fear factor if he seemed more realistic :D

The song is the same one she sang before. She knows she heard it as a child and really wants to remember it because her mother sang it to her. I don't expect anyone to guess what song it is as it's pretty obscure XD The reference to Ariana's daughter's name is likewise obscure. I'd be really surprised if anyone caught it because Ariana sounds like she's talking about something else entirely when she says it. That's the only hint you get :P

Well, I can’t say I expected that ;) What a mood whiplash from the last chapter! Anyway, I think you set it up very well, with Ariana wishing she could live in a house and have a family, and then Kayla asks her to marry her and thus give her the family she wishes for. D’awww…

Some things I found odd – mainly Kayla’s mum asking Kayla when she was going to make an honest woman of Ariana. For one thing that seems a like a very old-fashioned term, not really what I'd imagine someone saying anymore. Also, Kayla’s only 20 – I’m 19, and if I came home and told my mum I wanted to get married she’d be like “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU????” :P Obviously her mum isn’t like mine, but I wouldn’t expect her to ask her 20 year old daughter when she was planning on proposing to her girlfriend, although I can see her being happy if Kayla announced she was going to do so. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense, by the way.

I wonder what it was that Claire tried to tell her. Could it have something to do with whatever she is now? Maybe she was a guardian angel or whatever even then :P I liked learning more about her too, as it gives us more insight on such an important relationship in Kayla’s life. I could definitely feel her sorrow, so good job.

And something random, but San Diego reminds me of my city a bit – a quiet city, and near the beach! xD I think that helped me get into the mood of the chapter.

Overall, anyway, it was a very emotional and romantic scene – a little cheesy for my liking, but that’s not a bad thing. Engagement scenes are always a little cheesy ;)

“helped heft a bag of potatoes into the panty.” I don’t usually point out typos but this one I thought I probably should :P

Aww, now I have no more chapters to read… I await the next one eagerly :D

Haha, Kayla's mom is inspired somewhat by my mom and she's pretty old-school in that regard! She's asked that same question of anyone I've ever dated. She claims she's joking but personally I think she wishes we lived in a time when people married off their daughters when they're twelve XD. But yeah, Penny wasn't seriously suggesting Kayla should propose when she asked that. She was poking fun at Kayla and didn't really expect her to say she was already planning on doing it. She just didn't have time to say anything because Ariana interrupted them. They'll have a talk in the next chapter about whether or not Kayla's really ready for that kind of commitment.

Yeah, the whole point of going to Kayla's hometown was to show a lot more of her life. It was a great opportunity to talk more about Claire and their relationship in detail. You'll meet more of Kayla's friends in the next chapter. They're a little wild, but they're fun :P As for the engagement scene, yeah it's cheesy. I actually toned it down from the first version I wrote. It was so sweet it was positively nauseating XD.

San Diego really is a nice place and the total opposite of my city. I've only been there once, but honestly I didn't want to come home XD. I'm glad it reminds you of home though! The only place that reminds me of home is Coruscant from Star Wars...

And hey... maybe Penny has a unique way of storing her potatoes. Using a pantry for that is so out of date XD. I almost want to keep that typo in. That's really funny! Anyway, you've caught up to me! Blame Pretty Little Liars for my slow writing of late :P I'm binge watching season 2 at the moment and I can't stop myself. 

Oh no! I hope her dad hasn’t escaped. That was what first came to mind, but that seems a little cliché, so I have a feeling it’ll be something different. Anyway, whatever it is Ari is sure to have a confrontation with him soon. It’s much sooner than I was expecting, so you definitely managed to surprise me ;)

Anyway, once again the mood whiplash was great. You seem to be really good at doing that :P The rest of the chapter (particularly the bit with Kayla’s friends) was funny and light, it got a bit more serious with Ariana’s chat with Penny and then that ending :P

But, it bothered me a little the way they were talking about Kayla’s dad. I don’t know, it seemed strange that he should shoulder all of the blame for Claire’s murder and the stuff that happened. Sure, he did play a part in it, but Kayla still made those decisions. I also found it odd how Ariana told Penny her story so quickly. I don’t know, I would expect her to be more guarded about it. I mean, she didn’t tell Kayla, she found out because of doctor Pinder. But overall I liked their conversation. It solved some of the issues I had with the last one, where it seemed like her mum was completely all for it :P Her comments in this chapter were more what I’d expect :P

Thanks for the comment! With Ariana telling her story so quickly, I was going for the idea that she is coming to terms with it more than she ever has before. She's opening up more and healing but I agree that it happens way too fast. I think I overdid it :P I'll edited that bit when I get the chance. Maybe include her thought process as she decides to tell her story or something. I'll work on it.

You're absolutely right that Kayla's dad (Who, by the way, I've just realized has never had his name mentioned in this) isn't solely responsible for what happened to Claire and by extension Ariana. He's partly to blame, clearly, but as you say Kayla is responsible for involving Dwayne. Kayla blames herself already, but from Penny's point of view Kayla's dad was the adult in the situation and so she puts the blame for everything squarely on him. As far as she's concerned, he involved their daughter in a very dangerous situation that had already split up their marriage and a girl was killed because of it. Penny's incredibly biased in this :P Ariana, being Ariana, tries to give him the benefit of the doubt, but Penny won't even let her finish. The poor woman is holding on to a lot of grudges and I'd really like to see them resolved some day.

I'm glad your first thought was that Adrian had escaped XD I wasn't necessarily trying to make readers think that, but I'm glad you did. You're right that having him escape would be horribly cliché and having him come after Ariana would feel like a rehash of Dwayne hunting down Kayla. I like to do the unexpected thing and keep people guessing, which is why I'm also glad I surprised you with the ending :P Originally there was to be at least one more chapter (and perhaps another that would have been a flashback to Kayla's time on the run before she met Ariana) before Ariana got that call but I started thinking if I held that back much longer people might start expecting something big was coming :D

Well, that was definitely interesting ;) I’m really glad that he didn’t escape lol. As you said, it would have felt like a rehash of Dwayne, and very cliché. Having him be terminally ill is much more interesting… I’m certain Ariana will agree to get the operation. After all, she’s a forgiving person, and she still loves him despite what he’s done. Although I’m like Kayla, glad that he’s possibly dying, I think Ariana’s reaction to this whole situation was very realistic.

I was kind of confused as to why Ariana, Kayla and a few other people were the only ones on the plane. Maybe it’s because I’m from a small city with a small airport, but aren't flights in the middle of the night almost as full as ones in the day, at least in my experience? I also felt the doctor’s interaction with Ariana was a little weird. I know Adrian’s a patient of his and therefore he wants to get him the best treatment possible, but the way he asked Ariana to do the surgery you’d think he didn’t know what Adrian had done to her, even though he said he did. Maybe he’s just not very empathetic :P

See, now you've got me thinking. I've only flown twice late at night like that and both times the plane was nearly empty. The first time for a few minutes I was the only passenger on the plane! I was concerned they'd bump me to another flight to save the fuel. Other people came onboard though, but now I want to know what happens if only one person buys a ticket for a particular flight. I'm getting too far off topic. I digress. Honestly though, I just assumed that all late-night flights were like that :P

That doctor isn't empathetic at all XD He's pretty much solely focused on taking care of his patients and curing them. He doesn't really care that much how Ariana feels about Adrian. As far as he's concerned a life is a life and Ariana can help save Adrian's. Feelings and emotions don't matter so much to him. You'll see a bit more of that later on as well.

I'm glad you found Ariana's reaction realistic. It was tough and I wasn't sure exactly how she would respond to the situation. That's actually what I eventually went with. She doesn't know how to feel about Adrian's illness and there's a part of her (a part she's not yet willing to speak about) that would probably be happy if Adrian died since, if he did, she would be free.

Overall this was a very emotional chapter. It was a great that Ari managed to be brave enough to open the door, and burn down the house. The ending reminded me of this manga I read (although, the reason why the characters burnt down their house was very different). Still, hopefully now she’ll have the strength to face Adrian. I’m still certain she’ll have the operation, but I’m very interested to see what happens when they meet.

And Snow! That makes sense now ;) That was definitely not what I’d expected her name to be, but it was a good surprise and definitely seems like something Ari would name her daughter. I’m sure she’ll meet her at some point, although I don’t think they’ll get to live together. It’s sad about Ari’s mother too, but it makes sense that she would want to die. There were so many feels :P

Although, I’m surprised that Ariana’s hands don’t seem to have any permanent damage aside from scars. I mean, getting your fingers broken at a young age can be quite harmful, because you're still growing and all that. I’m sorry for being such a nerd, by the way… It’s one of those things that bugs me in stories, when medicine and science isn’t accurate. But most people probably wouldn’t care, so feel free to ignore me :P

Thanks for commenting! Fun fact about burning down the house: Originally I thought Ariana might turn it into an orphanage or a shelter for battered women or something. I was never sure exactly what it would be. However, my friend who likes to lay on my bed listening to music while I'm writing was playing Ellie Goulding's 'Burn' while I was writing this chapter :P The rest, as they say, is history. Going home though absolutely gave Ariana a lot more strength and courage than she had. Whether it's enough to finally come face to face with her worst nightmare is something she'll be finding out before too long.

Yeah, Ariana wasn't lying when she said she was thinking about Snow :P I didn't expect anyone to think twice about her saying that back in chapter 30. It's good to have a character that says random things from time to time. I can hide things in her dialog and no one notices (Just a note, that's the only time I've done this. One of my friends went back and started questioning everything weird Ariana ever said, looking for clues XD)

I'm not ashamed to admit that I spent months thinking up Snow's name XD I knew it had to be something out of the ordinary, but nothing too crazy. Snow ended up just fitting so well. Like you said, it's something Ariana would name her daughter. As for them meeting or Ariana perhaps getting her daughter back... I've made no firm decision on that yet. I'm actually at the point now where I've got to make a choice and I don't know which way I'm going to go yet. On one hand, I'd love to see Snow come and live with Ari and Kayla and yet there would be something bittersweet about Ari watching Snow play at a park with her adoptive family from afar, just glad to know that she's safe and happy. It may be time to flip a coin again and let fate decide :P

You're right about Ari's hands. I hadn't thought of that. I'll add it to the list of things I'll be going back and changing once I'm finished with the story. And as I've said before, never apologize for being a nerd :P All of my writing before Warehouse has always been science fiction. You should see my browser history... I've done way too much Googling to make sure my science is accurate, or at least makes sense in a futuristic world. Hey, at least I learn stuff!

Lol, I definitely would never have picked up on that ;) I just thought she was lying so Kayla didn’t worry, but I went back and reread that part and was like, “oh… that makes much more sense” xD I just realised I did something similar in my own story, which no one has picked up on yet… heh heh heh. I’ll tell you what it is when you read past the chapter where I can without giving spoilers ;) Still, I love little things like that. I call them "reread bonuses" :P

Haha, this is why I'm glad my mum is a doctor xD I ask her some of the weirdest questions about medicine and stuff for my stories :P I have a bit of medical knowledge myself, but I'm only a beginner (and I know much more about animals, not humans :P)

That reminds me for some reason, are there any other stories of yours you would like me to read? I'm going back to school soon, so I need something to fuel my procrastination ;)

See, now I'm going to pick apart every line of dialog trying to find what you're talking about :P I guarantee I'll miss it completely. I'm pretty hopeless when it comes to noticing things that actually matter!

I'll admit that I don't know very much at all about medical things (animals or humans). Google and WebMD are my best friends in that regard :P I haven't got any family or friends in that field either, so I'm dependent on the internet (and we all know how reliable that is XD). Everyone I know either has boring or really strange jobs that are completely useless for writing :P

You're talking to the queen of procrastination XD. Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? As for what else you can read... well, I'm not actively working on Endless Wonder (it's written in first person and I have to be in a particular mood to force myself to write that way...) Under the Milky Way I do work on much more often, but it's pretty hardcore science-fiction and isn't for everyone. That's not to say there aren't interesting characters with relatable problems in there, but you'll have to work your way past a space battle or two to get to them :P If you don't mind reading about warp drives and spaceships, by all means please give it a shot. It's in a constant state of editing and pretty much nothing is set in stone so I always like to get people's opinions on it.

I was glad that Ariana told Cooper about her past. I must admit I’d forgotten that he didn’t know :P His reaction was how I would expect, just like Ariana said. I’m excited for the next chapter. I wonder what her dad will say. He’ll probably still show no remorse, like when Kayla met him that time. I’d be very surprised if he suddenly had a change of heart :P Still, I wonder what Ariana will say to him, I have no idea.

And poor Mike! To be honest, I’m not sure if this is a good development, though, storywise. I can tell Sophia’s probably going go live with them, but… I don’t know. It seems a bit… I’m not sure how to explain it, but it seems like you’re killing off poor old Mike just so Ariana and Kayla can have a kid. I don’t know why, but it makes me a bit uncomfortable. I’m sorry if I’m wrong, by the way.

Haha, actually I had to stop and think whether he knew already or not myself! I had him showing up at the hospital and then I remembered that he still didn't know about any of it :P As for Adrian, I did give serious thought to him having a change of heart. I won't spoil anything except to say that this confrontation between the two of them is a little on the short side, but it's not their last.

I'll definitely agree that on the surface it does appear that Mike died just so the girls can adopt Sophia. It's the obvious way that storyline would go and you're not the first person to say that about that part :P Let's just say that I don't usually go the obvious route if I can avoid it :D Sophia also has a role in the sequel and it hinges on Mike being dead. I think that was cryptic enough xD

As for Mike's death, I really hated to kill him but he's survived far longer than he was ever supposed to. Originally, he was to die in the apartment fire. In that situation, the girls would have absolutely ended up adopting Sophia. Then I planned on killing him when Dwayne found them. I don't know what would have happened to Sophia in that case. Kayla was in no place to take care of her, clearly. Poor Mike, though, he really was doomed from the beginning.

Haha, that was satisfying. Adrian definitely deserved that knee to the groin ;) It’s nice to see Ariana finally being brave enough to stand up to her father. It’s good that she’s not as scared, and is able to deny him what he wants. Even by doing the transplant and saving his life she’s defying him, because he said he didn’t want her to. I felt proud of her :P

Like I thought, Adrian hasn’t changed one bit, but Ariana has. I hope that if he survives and they meet again one day, she’s able to be as strong as she was in this chapter. Anyway, overall I’ve really enjoyed Ariana’s transformation, particularly since she got her memories back. She may think she isn’t brave, but she has managed to use a bad experience (bit of an understatement there :P) to make herself grow and change for the better. Most people would retreat into their own shells if something like what happened to her happened to them, but Ariana’s managed to get through it. I admire her.

Well, I'm glad you found it satisfying :P Adrian definitely deserved the knee to the groin. She was going to pepper spray him a little bit, but it seemed a little excessive. I've got to say that despite how excited I was to finally write this chapter, I was just as nervous about it because I wasn't at all sure how Ariana would react to meeting Adrian. In the end I went with the idea that she was more afraid of the memories she has of Adrian than of the man that actually exists now. She just had to realize that in order to finally free herself from him... that and injure his manhood a bit XD Also, half of the reason she still agreed to do the transplant after what Adrian tried to do to her really was because he doesn't want her to save him. It's like you said, one more way to defy him.

Ariana really has changed a lot. Sometimes I miss the old kooky, goofy Ariana because she was a ton of fun to write and I don't get to be as silly with her now. Still, she had to grow and change as the story progressed. Like you said, she's changed quite a bit since she got her memories back and now that she's faced down her father she'll change even more. She has this sort of confidence in herself and she's much less afraid from here on out and that lets her make some pretty tough decisions a little later on.

It was nice (well, it was sad, but you know what I mean :P) to see Kayla’s more vulnerable side in this chapter. Plus it really highlighted the role reversal in their relationship – at the beginning of the story, Ariana was the more vulnerable one, but now they both seem about the same, sometimes vulnerable, sometimes not. It's good, as it means they're on more equal ground now.

Anyway, I’m wondering what’s going to happen. Will Sophia be adopted by Ariana and Kayla? I don't know, as I said before it seems so obvious... Now I think about it, adoption agencies (at least, if they’re anything like they are here) are pretty strict… With Ariana’s past and stuff, would they let her adopt? I’m not sure :P

Sorry for being slow with my comments lately, by the way. I’m rather busy with tests and assignments at this present moment in time.

I absolutely know what you mean :P There definitely has been a role reversal with these two and really, that was the basic idea that I had when I started this thing. Two people who are at two completely opposite extremes. Ari's vulnerable, childlike and scared while Kayla is tough, cold and keeps her emotions closed off. The idea was that over the course of the story they would take on certain characteristics of each other and by the end sort of become whole again. I really hope that makes sense XD

Adoption agencies are pretty strict here too.The girls would run into quite a bit of difficulty trying to adopt Sophia, no question. There would be some legal trouble as well, actually. Without saying too much I hope, Sophia has a pretty important storyline in the sequel that really requires Mike's death. It does not require her to be adopted by Ariana and Kayla, however. That's not to say she isn't or that she is, but it would be very obvious and expected if she were.

As always, there's no reason to be sorry for being a little slow on comments. Schooling should always come first! Unless you're an easily distracted, lazy procrastinator like me :P Even then it should still come first... you just might having trouble putting it first XD

I guess I was right about adoption. Although I didn’t know that lesbian couples can’t adopt, that’s not very nice. But I suppose with their pasts it probably wouldn’t make a difference even if one was a guy :P I wonder what it is that Kayla found out about Snow… I’d say it would be something like she was in an accident and got a disability or something, but then Kayla said she was healthy, so… I really don’t have any idea :P The way Kayla said it made it seem like it was something bad, but… If she’s healthy and happy, how bad could it be? xD

Huh, I can’t say I expected Cooper and Alana to (possibly) adopt Sophia. I suppose their pasts are a lot more adoption friendly. Although they’re still pretty young, which might give them some trouble. But I suppose Sophia’s older, so maybe that will mean their age doesn’t matter so much (but, I know nearly nothing about adoption and how it works, really :P)

And Frozen. Good choice, I must say :P

Haha, I didn't know much about adoption either. Once again, I had to do a large amount of Googling and what I learned is that adoption is more confusing than quantum physics xD Laws vary by state, so what's legal here in New York may not be legal in Michigan. For example, same-sex couples can joint adopt in NY but not in Michigan. Of course, there's also the fact that these girls live in an old warehouse... not exactly the safest place for a child :P

Coop and Alana's pasts are certainly more adoption friendly. From what I understand, they would have too many complications. Again, that's from what I understand :P

As for what Kayla knows about Snow... well, I can't really say anything without spoilers and since what happened to her is one of only a few more mysteries left to be revealed before the end, I don't want to spoil it :P I suppose I can say that Kayla is more worried about Ari's reaction to what she knows and not necessarily that something terrible happened to Snow.

And I do love Frozen. I've seen that movie entirely too many times. Ariana quotes (unintentionally on my part, believe it or not) a line from Let It Go back in chapter... 32 I think? Penny says they should spent the winter in California and Ariana says 'The cold never bothered me anyway' :P

Lol, Kayla strikes again with the famous character name disguise. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t Spencer Hastings one of the girls from Pretty Little Liars? I only ever read one of the books and never watched the show, so I’m not quite sure :P

And Rose! Well, I assume it was Rose, because she didn’t actually say who it was :P Maybe she’s like Claire, some sort of supernatural being. But then, I don’t think Rose is dead. But maybe she doesn’t have to be. It’ll be funny if it wasn’t Rose :P

Anyway, this was a really interesting chapter. I liked getting to see more of Kayla’s past. The part where she had the dream about Ariana was particularly interesting. I guess it was their destiny to meet or whatever :P I mean, it feels like all of the events, were just leading to her going to Detroit and meeting Ariana. Like when she found that map, or when Rose told her about it… It’s kind of spooky. I bet there’s some supernaturally stuff going on there.

I also thought it was interesting to see “pre-Ariana” Kayla again. It really highlights how much she’s changed, and for the better too. By the way, I’m curious, how long is this story going to be, about?

Thanks for the comment! The plan, currently is about 10 more chapters. I've limited myself to 60 chapters, but I really plan on wrapping everything up before then. That's actually why this chapter just sort of randomly appeared from nowhere. I've been sitting on it for ages, ever since the idea of a prequel about Kayla's life before Claire's murder and her time on the run got shelved. I knew I wanted to fit it in somewhere, but I'm quickly running out of space :P

Pre-Ariana Kayla is always interesting to write. She was a very different person back then, but it's usually Ariana who gets noticed more as a character that's changed a lot, for obvious reasons. Kayla's change is much more subtle, but its there. As for whether or not it was their destiny to meet, or if that woman was Rose... well, you'll be finding out all about that soon enough.

However, don't underestimate the possibility that Kayla just happens to have odd encounters with elderly women when she needs advice and direction xD Of course, who's to say supernatural beings have to be dead people? Maybe Rose was never a human but a supernatural being all along? Or she could be dead, but chose to hide in plain sight afterwards and started working undercover as a nurse. Heh... now I've just made it even more confusing :P

You're right about Spencer! Although, oddly I've only ever watched the show and haven't read the books. She's my favorite of the four girls, mainly because the actress who plays her happens to be a massive GoT fan :P Kayla really needs to get someone else to make her fake IDs. Whoever's doing them now obviously watches too much TV...

Wow, that was very intriguing. And unexpected – So, there is some supernatural force bearing down on them. The girl was really creepy, especially her weird rhyme. I don’t think Kayla will die, but… Who knows? And then there were the other things she said… I guess she’s “fate” or “destiny or whatever. But, why is she so fixated with them? There’s so many people in the world, after all :P Anyway, this chapter is definitely one of the best so far. I’m excited to see what happens, now that the supernatural stuff has really become apparent. Even if she says not to, I'm sure Kayla will try and fight her anyway. And she should.

As for Claire, it was interesting to see more about her too. So, she is real, but not a ghost like I thought (at least, she’s not only a ghost, she’s some sort of guide thing).

I wonder what’s behind her veil. I think that underneath she’ll either be really grotesque looking, or maybe she’ll be someone that Kayla/Ariana knows.

Thanks for commenting! I'm glad you enjoyed this one. This chapter (and the next one) are chapters that I get a little anxious about when people read. I've never been completely happy with it, although I'm not sure why :P It just reads weird to me. I also had to be super careful with what I had the girl say because I very nearly spoiled the ending, the sequel, and what all the supernatural stuff is :P Luckily, I write three or four chapters in advance of what I put out for people to read so I caught myself before I really messed up XD

It's weird, there's not much I can really say about this chapter without giving spoilers. I suppose I should mention that the girl isn't necessarily focused on Ariana and Kayla. There are plenty of other people she's involved with too. Geez, I can't even properly explain that without spoilers!

And it really would be like Kayla to fight some strange, supernatural being XD Not sure if she'd win, but she would absolutely fight. That's what she knows how to do. Gosh, there's something I'd so like to say about that, but I can't do it. Not yet :P

Well, that was definitely an interesting chapter. I like how originally it’s like, she’s dreaming of having a normal life with her dad… But then she’s pregnant, and in love with him instead of just familial love. I think it makes sense, though, because Ariana wouldn’t know what an ordinary father/daughter relationship is like, so it’s like she’s imagining a happy version of what she’s used to. Anyway, I thought that was clever :P

The ending of her dream was really well written, too. It’s scary, to think what would have happened if Snow had been born when she was still in her house. And I wonder what would have happened to Ariana, too. I wouldn’t think that Adrian would kill her, but if when Snow grew up a bit he moved onto her, what would have happened to her? It’s scary to think of…

I laughed when Ariana tricked Kayla, though :P Hehe, that’s definitely payback for locking her in the closet. So, Cooper and Alana are going to adopt Sophia. I wonder how she’ll  be involved in the sequel, because at the moment I honestly have no idea :P

Thanks for the comment :) I'm glad you like this one because I've always been a little nervous about it. You're exactly right about Ariana; she's really dreaming about what she thought was a perfect life. She thought that would be a happy father/daughter relationship as that's the only thing she ever knew. I'm also glad the transition from a nice, normal family moment to... well, not a normal family moment worked out. It's a sort of gradual descent from sweet to creepy :P

The thought of what would have happened to Snow is what inspired this whole chapter. I'd never really given it much thought before, but yeah it wouldn't have been good for Snow had she been born there. I don't really know what would have happened. I'd like to think Ariana would have somehow found the strength to fight back and stand up for her daughter unlike her own mother who just stood back and let it happen.

Yeah, Ariana tricking Kayla was too much fun to resist xD It was mean but I though; yeah, Ariana would so do that. As for Sophia, well it'd be pretty tough for anyone to accurately guess what she'll be doing :P I don't plan on her being a POV character at the moment (that could change) but she certainly has a role to play.

I must admit, I’m really not the biggest fan of flashbacks. The other chapter you had I liked, because it was told in an interesting way that was new when it was in Ariana's diary. But in this one it was just the same as before, so it seemed repetitive. I mean, this stuff happened earlier in this book, so I didn’t really need to be reminded of it. Maybe if this was a sequel and the flashbacks were from the first book, but... I don't know, I just feel like they were unnecessary. But as I said I’m not a flashbacks person, so other readers might not be bothered.

Anyway, despite that, I found this chapter very interesting. Particularly about Snow – I must admit I never thought of something like that. Ariana’s grandfather was a cunning man, huh :P It was interesting to see how Kayla’s worried about being a mum if they do take Snow back. I think she’d be a good mother, too, but in a different way that Ariana. But that’s a good thing, because then Snow can gain the best from both of them. I’m excited for the next chapter, I wonder how Ariana will react to the news. I think she’ll be scared at first, but eventually she’ll realise she’s ready and take her daughter back.

Heh heh, I’ve been studying anatomy all day and I must admit when Ariana said Kayla needed to “broaden her palate” I was momentarily confused. I was like, how can she broaden her soft and hard palates? And then I realised… xD

The flashbacks are absolutely unnecessary, I agree. I honestly hate this chapter and it wouldn't even exist had the ability to write not been struck from my brain for about a month :P Seriously, for the life of me I couldn't get this chapter to flow. What happens in the next chapter was supposed to happen in this chapter, but I couldn't get it to work how I wanted. So, in desperation being well over my (admittedly self-imposed) schedule the idea of a flashback chapter came to be. I used parts of the story I'd written back at a time when I could at least halfway string sentences together in a cohesive fashion to pretty much convey what Kayla's feeling and thinking at the time :P  Eventually, once I'm ever satisfied with chapter 44 because I'm still not, I plan to merge these two and remove the flashbacks altogether.

Ariana's grandfather was very cunning indeed. He had a lot of faith in her and he set things up, fully believing that one day Ariana would be ready and would want her daughter back. As for Kayla, yeah I think she's make a good mother too and definitely different than Ariana. I think more than anything she's afraid of the unknown. She's never been a mother, so she's afraid she'll fail at it. If she tried, I think she'd come to see that she does in fact have pretty strong maternal instincts. As for Ariana... well, you'll just have to wait and see :D

Lol hard and soft palates! If Kayla can do that, she might need to see a doctor because that's not good xD That wouldn't even be a useful superpower.

I’m excited to see them get Snow back. I wonder what she will be like. Is she bubbly and outgoing? Or shy? I’m excited to find out.

I liked Ariana’s doubt about whether she’ll be a good mum or not. Especially after having that dream, it seemed a natural reaction. I mean, not only has she been through a lot, she’s pretty young, so her reaction to the news about Snow seemed very natural. But I agree with Kayla, no one could be better than her.

Anyway, I’m getting an ominous feeling again. Everything seems too happy :P They’re getting married, they’ve found Snow… I don’t know, maybe I’m just too suspicious, but I feel like something big and scary is going to happen at the end of the story. Congratulations on completing it, btw. I’ll do my best to catch up soon, although I probably won’t get much of a chance to in the next week or so.

I'm glad you liked Ariana's reaction to learning about Snow. I'm always a little worried about that part. I wasn't entirely sure how she would respond, so I'm glad its okay and seems natural. As for Snow, it was a lot of fun figuring out what kind of personality she would have. While she doesn't really play a huge role in this, (she's two, how could she?) she definitely has her moments.

I don't think it would be a spoiler for me to say that there are a couple more mood whiplashes before the end :P Still, I have to let them be happy eventually... or do I? *Insert evil laugh here* And please, there's no rush to catch up :) Believe me, I understand being busy. After this weekend, I'll barely have time to breathe properly for a while xD. Never agree to be in someone's wedding, I say. You're essentially loaning them your life until its over. That's actually why I doubled down and got those last few chapters finished this week.

Awwww that was so cute! I think you did a good job of making Snow act like a two year old – I find that a lot of kids in books always seem much older than they’re meant to be, but her simple way of saying things and the unicorn and everything. It’s sweet that she and Ariana bonded so easily, particularly after she was so worried. I liked Ariana’s reaction to everything, especially when she was crying when she saw and hugged Snow for the first time. That seemed very realistic, and overall it was really heart-warming.

It’s nice that Snow and Kayla were able to bond a bit too, considering that she’s going to be Snow’s mum too. Hehe, it’s funny that she called the unicorn Mikayla. That’s not that common of a name :P

But Snow seems a bit like a “perfect daughter” in a way – smart, cute, and even friendly and playful. I mean, she’s only two and appeared for a chapter so it’s probably too early to judge, but it just seems a bit… I don’t know xD

Anyway, the ending definitely caught my attention. So, Adrian is going to die. I suppose in a way it’s kind of disappointing considering Ariana had that operation and everything to save him, but at the same time I guess it’s kind of a good thing. I wonder what will happen when they meet again. I don’t think Adrian will ever feel bad about what he did, or anything, but I’m curious :P I really don’t know what to expect, but I’m sure it’ll be interesting.

I'm really glad you like this one. This chapter is one of my favorites, although when I was writing it I was terrified that I was going to mess it up :P This chapter really had to work out. It's the payoff to Ariana having a daughter, something that was hinted at back in chapter 13, so yeah that was pretty scary. It was Snow, actually, that scared me so much. I discovered that I'm truly horrible at writing children. Like you say, kids often end up seeming older than they're supposed to be and Snow was the same way at first. It took longer than I care to admit to get her acting and sounding her age xD

I'm glad Ariana's reactions were realistic. She actually came together pretty easily. I knew pretty much how I wanted her to react and it flowed really easily. Fun fact about the unicorn; when I was a little kid I actually had a toy unicorn that I named Mikayla. I have no idea where I got that name from, but yeah I sure did. Naturally, I had to slip that in xD And no, Kayla herself is not named after said toy unicorn :P

Snow really does come off as the perfect daughter. I think that's partly due to the difficulty I had in writing her, but I rationalize it by saying that she's on her best behavior since she's meeting her mom for the first time. I imagine she's like every other two year old otherwise. (A holy terror if my nephew is any indication :P)

As for Adrian, yeah it's a bit disappointing. I don't want to spoil their meeting by saying too much so I'll say that at the very least there will be some closure to that part of Ariana's storyline that I couldn't see happening if he had lived :) 

I really liked Ariana and Adrian’s goodbye. I’m not entirely sure if he understands what he did was wrong, but it did seem like he understood that he had hurt her… When he said he didn’t want to talk about it and stuff. I guess that even though he’s kind of crazy, he still does have feelings and stuff. I think that’s good, because it would have been so much easier to just make him completely and utterly evil up until his last moments, but I like it better when villains have depth. So good job :D

Anyway, despite that I’m glad he died. I think Ariana’s reaction to the whole thing was realistic – she wanted to see him before he died and say goodbye, but at the same time I think her relief and gladness over his death was realistic. Now she can get on with her life and be a mother to Snow without having the fear of him doing something to her (Snow) hanging over her.

I’m kind of sad I couldn’t hear the melody when Ariana was singing :P Is it a real song, or a made up one? I can’t say I recognise the lyrics. Still, it was nice that she finally managed to remember it when the moment counted.

Haha, no that song isn't a made up one. I'm not nearly that creative :P In the Pines (which is also known by a couple other titles) is an American folk song written sometime in the late 1800s. It's been recorded and re-recorded a bunch of times and the lyrics aren't always the same either. Nirvana even did their own rendition of it. If you want to hear the version I used just Youtube 'In the pines walking dead'. It's a very obscure song, so I don't actually expect anybody to recognize it xD

As for Adrian... he definitely realizes that he hurt her, but no he still doesn't think what he did was wrong. I did consider letting him remain evil to the end because I didn't want there to be any sense of redemption for him (and, as you say, it would have been so easy to do :P) Redeeming him in any way just felt really wrong. But I did think he would feel something at least a little bit fatherly towards her in that moment. I think, in his own really twisted way, he does love her and he is proud of who she's become.

Ariana's reaction was a last second idea that came to me as I was writing the chapter :P Originally, she was going to be pretty devastated about it. Given that she's always said that he's her dad and she still loves him I just figured that's how she react. But the idea that she would really just be more relieved than anything because she knows that she and her daughter are safe seemed to work so much better. I'm really glad it was realistic because I'm always a little worried that it's somewhat out of character for her.

Hehe, I looked it up. It is a really pretty song, but so sad.... It reminds me of this song I sung in choir once many eons ago. I feel depressed now. Still, definitely appropriate.

Lol, a town with a name like Mistbrook Falls you just know something’s up there :P No matter how much real estate agents lampshade it, there must be something sinister lurking in that town :P

Haha, it’s funny how Kayla’s going to write this book. I wonder if she will get it published someday ;) Anyway, I like that they decided to buy the house. I never really thought about it, but a warehouse really isn’t that safe a place for a kid :P And if they have a new house, then they can get a fresh start or whatever. I don’t know much about Detroit but I guess that probably isn’t the safest city either.  

One thing that confused me was why Ariana wanted to lay his ashes there. I mean, it seemed like she had never been there before, and neither had he as far as I know, so it’s not a place of significance to him… And if she just wanted to scatter his ashes somewhere peaceful, how would she have found out about it? Did she just google suitable ashes laying spots? :P

Anyway, things are just too happy at the moment. They’ve got Snow back, Adrian’s dead, they’re planning their future. Something’s going to happen soon, I can feel it :P

Haha, yeah Mistbrook Falls is a pretty creepy name for an equally creepy town. I spent more time than I should have coming up with that name :P It’s an old town, established well before the American Civil War. All the buildings are built in the style of that era, so it has an innate creepiness that comes out more once we start spending more time there. At the moment, though, there isn’t really anything too grim happening there. Of course, that doesn’t mean something sinister couldn’t spring up in the future, right?

Ariana just wanted to spread his ashes somewhere peaceful as she has no idea what places meant something to him. I really should have mentioned how Ariana found Mistbrook Falls, though. I’m glad you pointed that out. The town itself was a late addition (originally I had them staying at the warehouse pretty much permanently but a small town setting worked better for various future plot points) and never really gave much thought to how Ariana might have heard of it. I’ll need to change that. Coop does say he knows about a restaurant there so I suppose he’ll be the one to tell her about it.

As for Kayla writing the book, I suppose I technically broke the fourth wall there just a little bit :P I break it a lot later on simply for the sake of a joke, but I found it funny so I did it anyway :) And why can’t they be happy for once? Something terrible doesn’t have to happen, right? This story could just wind down nicely with everyone happy and healthy… right? Although, there is a wedding coming up soon. Hmm… maybe I should instruct the band to play a rousing chorus of The Rains of Castamere? XD

Hi, sorry for the long time between comments. I probably should be able to comment more midway through next week, after my test. Tonight procrastination has gotten the better of me, so here I am :P

Anyway, I really liked the bit where Kayla decided to forgive her dad, and her reasons for why she wanted to. I hope he does show up for their wedding, I’m sure it will be heart-warming. I must say, I’m curious to see what he’s like… I really hope they can make up, because aside from Cooper there aren’t really any positive regular male characters in the story (I mean, Dr Pinder and others are nice guys but they don’t appear much).

I liked Kayla's thoughts about getting married too, and her fear at failing at (and being a mum too). I hope Kayla can surprise herself and do well at both of those things.

At this moment, I’m really not sure what to expect. After Game of Thrones I half expect something bad to happen at their wedding, a death or two maybe, but then that’s probably too obvious :P So I think they’ll probably get married first, and then something bad will happen. Overall I really liked this chapter. I enjoyed the humour with all of Kayla’s friends, and I’m definitely looking forward to the next one.

Procrastinators unite... tomorrow! :P As always, no worries about taking a while. It's not going anywhere :)

Kayla's dad was an extremely late introduction into this. I had no intentions of him showing up until I got to the end of this chapter, so it feels a little rushed to me but oh well :P The thing with her dad is that so far he's only been shown from the point of view of Kayla and Penny, both of whom have reasons to think of him in a very negative light. Personally, I don't think of him as a bad guy, just someone who made some really bad choices. Does he regret them? Is he sorry? Well... you'll have to wait and see :P

I'm glad you liked Kayla's fears about getting married. I was a bit worried about that (Kayla's fears, not getting married XD) I wasn't entirely sure how she would feel about it all, so I hope it's believable.

I did give serious thought to going full on Red Wedding on them in the next chapter :P Did I do it? I don't want to say. It would spoil a turn of events I hope no one's expecting.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Sorry, couldn’t help myself xD Anyway, this chapter was great. The wedding as a whole was great, very romantic and satisfying after all the girls have been through. It definitely gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside, that’s for sure ;)

Firstly, Cooper and Ariana's moment at the beginning. That was definitely one of my favourite bits. I don't know why, because my brothers don't really act like that, but Cooper reminds me of them :P  I felt kind of bad for Alana though, that she didn't get the necklace he was supposed to be saving for his wife lol.

Kayla’s dad showing up was sweet. Kinda cliché cos he showed up just in time and walked them down the aisle or whatever, but it was the good kind of cliché, if you know what I mean :P I’m glad he did appear. It’s nice that he’s been given a second chance from Kayla.

And of course, their vows. I’m not the most sentimental of people but those definitely brought a tear to my eye ;) I find that a lot of people (including myself, most definitely) really struggle to make characters say romantic things and actually seem convincing and like something someone could actually say, and I think you did a really good job. Their vows were very touching and realistic, as was them kissing each other multiple times before they were meant to :P

It was kind of funny at the end when Penny wasn’t sure what to say. That’s something I never would have thought about, haha. I guess wife and wife does sound a bit weird. There's too much repetition, so saying that they’re wed is probably better :P

Hehe, even though I knew it was unlikely I was still half expecting someone to die for the whole wedding :P I’ve obviously been reading/watching too much GoT…

Thanks for the comment! I'm glad you liked this one because it's one of my favorites. I'll admit to anyone that I'm a hopeless romantic and I always love a good wedding. That's the main reason why I decided against my own version of the Red Wedding :P I really wanted them to have their day. For a lot of girls, their wedding is something they've been looking forward to since they were little. I wanted to let them have that special time. I figured I could always destroy their lives the day after or something xD

I did feel a little bad about giving that necklace to Ariana instead of Alana. She doesn't need to know about that. Shhhh! :P That whole scene was a late addition, actually. I can't exactly explain quite yet why I added it. There's a reason, but it would be a spoiler to talk about it. Anyway, I'm glad you liked it :) Coop's not anything like my brother either. Mine doesn't have a sentimental bone in his body :P Don't tell him I said that.

With Kayla's dad, I originally had him walking in at some point during the wedding and sitting down in the back. I ended up changing it to this way, knowing it would be cliché but I liked it too much to care xD 

As for their vows... there's a kind of funny story there because I too have difficult with romantic scenes sometimes. Both of their vows were pieced together by me and my best friend sitting up on the roof of my building and acting that scene out. We recorded everything we said and then took the best parts and constructed their vows. It definitely helps with realism, being able to play off the reactions of another person. We've actually done that a couple of times. It helps me when I'm stuck on a scene :P

Penny wasn't sure what to say because I wasn't sure what to say xD I got to that part was like huh... how would this go exactly? I had to do some Googling to find alternatives and then figured it'd be funny to toss my own confusion in there :P

Ahhhhh! What a mood whiplash again! You seem really good at those :P The first chapter was so sweet, so happy, just like the last one… I was expecting something bad to happen before the end, but I never thought it would be in this chapter (although, admittedly the title was rather ominous :P). The happy speeches and dances and everything lulled me into a false sense of security, I guess :P

Anyway, as I said the ending was definitely unexpected and intriguing. Who is this girl, and why does she apparently hate Kayla so much? I’m so afraid for both of them, but I have a feeling they’ll both make it out alive, somehow. I don’t know why, I just get that feeling :P

One thing I found odd, was that it didn’t seem to take Penny much to start to forgive Byron. I mean, sorry for using my own experience or whatever, but my parents are divorced (and they ended on pretty bad terms, probably worse than Penny and Byron, but still) and it would take A LOT more time for my mum to forgive my dad then it took for Penny to forgive him. I mean, I could understand Penny forgiving and seeing him as a good person or whatever him eventually, but I found it strange when she was telling him he just made mistakes and stuff now. Sure maybe after a long time, and a bit more motive, I could see it, but right now… I don’t know, I just think she would need more to start forgiving him than just seeing him walk the girls down the aisle whatever. My brother even got married and my parents could barely stand to look at each other at his wedding, so…

 I’m sorry for ranting and being annoying, by the way. It was way longer than I meant it to be :P As I said I’m kind of biased, so my opinion probably isn’t that valid… Both of the girls’ (Alana and Kayla) reactions and opinions about their father I found realistic though. I like how they differ, too.

Haha, yes the mood whiplashes! I can't get enough of those. It was obviously this, and the next chapter, that was going to take place during the wedding. Since you've already read the next one I can say that it clearly could have been my own Red Wedding :P It's a pretty straight shot through to the end from this point. If I'd pushed the bad thing happening back any further and I'd never have been able to squeeze everything in :)

I actually had to go back and re-read this chapter (It's been a while since I wrote it) to remember exactly what Penny says to Byron. My intention was to say that Penny understands why Byron did what he did, but doesn't necessarily forgive him for it yet. Reading it back, I agree that it doesn't come off that way at all. I really should change that. Whether or not she fully forgives him by the end is somewhat open to interpretation. I don't ever officially say whether or not they manage to heal their relationship.

And please, you're definitely not annoying :D I'm always happy to hear any and all opinions and views and each is just as valid as the next. So don't ever hold back any criticisms. I need to hear them because they really help me improve. Thanks for commenting!

Argh, you did again! But worse this time!

So, both Kayla and Ariana were possibly fatally injured… At the moment I think Ariana’s definitely going to live (cos her injuries are more plausibly survivable) and Kayla… I think she’ll live, but I think there’s more of a chance she’ll die. I’m sure at least one will live, if not both, and my bet is Ariana. Anyway, the whole chapter was so tense and emotional, especially the ending. I was nearly in tears at the ending (and I’m not usually a crier when I read stuff, so that’s a very big feat).

And Cooper, no! :’( :’( :’( He’s the only one I’m certain is dead after the chapter. I mean, he was shot in the chest, and was still… He’s definitely dead, and it’s so unexpected... I’m so depressed! I think Ariana’s going to live, so I wonder how she’ll cope with his loss. And Alana, of course. Whatever happens, I’m sure these last few chapters are going to be depressing. And if Kayla/Ariana dies as well… I’m definitely not prepared for the feels :’(

Anyway, Tricia’s identity was certainly a surprise. I must admit I had completely forgotten about her… Still, it’s interesting how all the events are connected. I’d never imagined that Dwayne would still have an effect on the story all these chapters after his death, but now this has happened. I felt kind of sorry for her, even though I hate her now for possibly killing them.

Although I admire Kayla for trying to talk Tricia down, some of the things she said definitely weren’t the brightest. I mean, a girl comes after you wanting revenge for the murder of her boyfriend, it’s probably not best to tell her about what a monster he was (even if it’s true, it’s not like she was going to believe her) >.< But then, I don’t really know what else Kayla could have said to convince her, so I think it was realistic that she would say those things. I guess she just had to take the chance to see if Tricia would respond, but she didn’t… :(

So yeah, this chapter. I wanted to go so many different directions with this one and when I sat down to write it I had no idea which way to go :P I knew that, regardless of what else happened, we would be losing some characters. People were going to die in this chapter and absolutely no one was safe. I actually intentionally left the ending rather vague so I could kill any or all of them in the next chapter if I chose to. I'm glad it was emotional for you. Sorry I made you cry, but I was absolutely sobbing the whole time I was writing. I get a little too invested sometimes xD.

Since you're so certain about Cooper, then it's hardly a spoiler to say that yes, he is dead. He's been one of my favorite characters since his introduction and I really feel like I underused him. He didn't get a lot of page time in this and I wish I'd given him more. I'm glad it was unexpected, though. It's been planned for a really long time. No matter what else happened, Cooper was doomed in this chapter. He was out no matter what unfortunately :(

As for Tricia, yeah I didn't expect anyone to remember her. She was mentioned literally once before this back in chapter 12 so if anyone did I would be very surprised :P And yeah, so many things are connected in this. Threads from a long time ago are just now paying off.

Yeah, everyone thinks Kayla's personal backstory ended when Dwayne died. So far, no one's ever mentioned that they thought something like that might pop up again for her. I'm really happy you felt sorry for Tricia, even though she did these terrible things. I was aiming for that. She was meant to be an Anti-Kayla, an alternate version of what Kayla did to Dwayne and his brother. Tricia felt just as justified as Kayla did when she killed all those people.

As for Kayla's attempt to talk Tricia down, that was done somewhat intentionally. Kayla has always been bad with words. She's... blunt. She didn't know what to say, so she just said the first thing that came to her mind even though it wasn't all that smart. She just knew she had to say something to try and stop this girl, especially once Ariana came in.

I’m glad both Ariana and Kayla lived. I thought they would, but there was still that tension… Anyway, the first part of this chapter was really sad. Cooper :’( I thought it was interesting the way Alana had a similar reaction to his death that Kayla had when she thought Ariana was going to die… I guess she and Kayla have quite a bit in common :P I really liked that part when they were talking, because it showed how much Kayla has grown since then. Same with what Destiny was saying about how she tried to talk down Tricia, instead of kill her. I didn’t really think of that at the time, but she was right. Overall I think you really have done a great job with Ariana and Kayla’s development in this story, and it’s probably my favourite part.

Anyway onto the supernatural stuff! I think it’s a cool idea, with everybody having something they have to do before they die. And the guides too. I never would have thought Rose was dead lol. I thought there might be something supernatural about her, since she kept conveniently showing up but that I never would have guessed There’s still so much I want to know about Destiny and Fate, but I feel like I’m going to have to wait to the sequel to find out if I ever do :P I was especially interested when Destiny said Kayla and Snow would have stuff to do still… Particularly Kayla, since you’d think she’d be done already… I guess Ariana changing her attitude must be involved somehow, and I’m really interested to see what will happen.

One thing I thought, was that this chapter was very long and I think it might have been more suspenseful if you split it up. Because at the start, I was really sad over Cooper’s death and everything, and there were all the characters’ reactions to that which were really heartbreaking (especially Alana’s). But then by the end of the chapter he appeared again, even if it was as a guide… I don’t know, I feel like his reappearance would have more impact if it happened in a separate chapter to the one where you find out he’s dead. I’m not really sure why, tbh :P

Thanks for commenting! Kayla survived only just by the skin of her teeth. Since Ariana survived her gunshot wound I never thought I would kill either of them but as this chapter got closer and closer, I did give serious thought to letting Kayla die. Had I not had an idea for the sequel that needed her to be alive, well, she probably wouldn't be. As for Ariana, she was pretty safe even if I did have this wild idea to let both of them die and tell the last couple of chapters from Snow's POV. However, when I proposed this idea to a friend, she said and I quote: 'Are you stupid? That's the most retarded idea you've ever had. Don't do that.' Clearly, I didn't do that :P

Kayla's growth is often overshadowed by Ariana's, for obvious reasons. But yeah, she's come a long way since Ariana was shot and that growth will play a pretty significant role in the Kayla's part of the sequel. Anyway, I'm really glad you enjoyed the girls' development. It was one of the main points of this whole thing, essentially taking two people and having what is broken in one of them be whole in the other and them slowly finding a way to heal each other.

The supernatural stuff. This is the part I'm extremely nervous about whenever someone reads this chapter, because if the supernatural bits don't make any sense then the whole thing sort of falls apart. The whole idea came about due to a debate I had with some friends about why we exist. Is there a God? What's the meaning of life? That sort of thing. Yeah, we talk about stuff like that a bit too much actually xD I'm glad you still have questions about Fate and Destiny. I tried to explain the supernatural stuff but still leave a few unanswered questions as well. I'm not sure I'll ever reveal everything about them since I'm of the opinion that the best mysteries are never fully solved, but I imagine we'll see them again someday even if it isn't any time soon. 

Originally, Kayla was going to be done as well as Ariana. That's the idea I had that saved her :P Snow's just three, so she has all sorts of things she has to do and I'll say only that Kayla is involved with that somehow.

I actually agree with you that this chapter should be split up. I think it's either the third or fourth longest of the whole thing and it really does take away a lot of the emotional impact of Cooper's death having him pop back into the story so quickly. I already want to split 26 and 27 definitely and maybe 11. 43 is going to be merged with 44 and those flashbacks removed so I'll add this one to the list when I go back to make those changes. I'm thinking of doing the split at the break when I switch from Kayla's POV to Ariana's because I don't want to break up the conversation about the supernatural stuff and make an already potentially confusing explanation that much more confusing xD

I’m not sure how I really felt about this chapter. I mean, it was sweet, and provokes thoughts about an interesting “what if” situation… But that was kind of overshadowed because I spent most of the time feeling sorry for Alana. I mean, in this chapter, there were things that Cooper said that made me feel like she was some sort of consolation prize to Ariana. Like when he said “I could have had the hot redhead” (I know that was a joke, but still…) or when talking about why he was glad he never told Ariana before he talked about not wanting to change what Kayla and Ariana have but he didn’t mention Alana… And in that other chapter too, where he gave Ariana that necklace even though he was meant to give it to the girl he was going to marry.

Anyway, I guess I’m confused about how I’m meant to feel about this. Don't get me wrong, I thought it was nice and the bittersweet feeling was really well portrayed, I just felt uncomfortable about it because of the stuff I mentioned. Sorry for being, annoying, by the way. Perhaps I’m being too narrow-minded >.<

I like that Ariana is going to run his bookstore. Not only because it keeps his memory alive, but it gives Ariana something to do other than raising Snow. I think she’d be really good at it too.

Also, this is something that I’ve thought of a few times but keep forgetting to mention: Why is Cooper’s bookstore called Detroit Books? I mean, to me that seems more like small country town thing to name a store after the place… I certainly have never heard of anywhere called “Perth books” where I live :P Naming it after the suburb or street I could understand, but not the whole city. Surely there are heaps of bookstores in Detroit (although I wouldn’t know :P). I don’t know, that struck me as odd. Sorry again for complaining so much.

Yeah, I definitely wasn't aiming for Cooper to appear as though he thinks of Alana as a consolation prize :P I was trying to focus so much on the two of them that I neglected Alana completely. That wasn't the plan at all. My thought at the time was more that Cooper knows he won't see Ariana again for a very long time, possibly forever, and he's trying to make sure she understands exactly how he felt and the reasons why he never said anything to her. Rereading it though, it really does make him sound like he didn't really care all that much for Alana and that's not good. I'll definitely be adding this to my list of changes that I need to make :)

As for the name of Cooper's bookstore, it was named after a local bookstore called Manhattan Books. Of course Manhattan is a borough, not the whole city, so... yeah, not the best idea :P I might change it to Westside Books or maybe Rivertown Books. Those are both areas of Detroit that are extremely close to where I envisioned the store being anyway and close to the spot I picked out for the warehouse so that would work great and sound much better.

And by the way, I don't think you're complaining at all. You're pointing out flaws or things that sound weird and that's always helpful so thanks! :D 

So much has happened it’s hard to believe only a year has passed in the story :P At the start, they were both alone and hiding from something, but now… As I said before I really admire the development of both Kayla and Ariana. I also like how believable their love and romance and stuff was. I think a lot of people like me struggle with that, and I’ve certainly read many books where I didn’t find the character’s love convincing, but in this story I was convinced from the beginning even if I thought they were moving too fast at the start :P I guess now I’ve read to the end that doesn’t bother me that much, because it worked so well.

Anyway, overall I thought this chapter was a good end to the story. The final scene with Snow (both the person and the, er… weather condition :P) was really nice and heart-warming, and a really nice place to end the story. After all the sad stuff that’s happened, it’s nice to end on a happy note.

There was something I found odd in this chapter, though. Maybe it’s just me and my accent, but the way I’d say titular and, er, tit, don’t sound very similar :P I found it kind of weird that Kayla was talking about that, even though they sound different when said aloud. If she’d written it down, I could understand… I don’t really know why I found that weird, but I did :P It’s probably just me xD

Anyway, I’m really looking forward to reading the sequel, and curious about what will happen. I hope there’s more about the supernatural stuff, I’m really interested in that, as well as seeing what the characters get up to :3

Haha, yeah it's only been a year. That was kind of the plan, actually. My working title was 'A Year in the Life' because the story was to take place over the course of one year, beginning and ending on the same date. These girls had a busy year xD

I'm glad you liked the romance aspect of the story. At its core, that's what 'Warehouse' is, really. It's a love story and if their relationship wasn't believable, that would be pretty bad :P So, any time anyone approves of the romantic part I feel pretty good. I do still think the beginning moves a bit too fast, but despite a handful of attempts to change those early chapters, nothing ever came of it that I liked. So, it will likely stay as it is unless I get in a really creative mood :P

The final scene has been around for a really long time. That's yet another reason why I'm glad I let both of them live because I got to keep my ending. I wanted to throw back to the last few lines of the first chapter and that only works if both Kayla and Ariana are alive. And yeah, it's also a happy ending which would have felt a bit off if either or both of the girls had died. I did consider, briefly, having that last scene from Snow's POV. She gets POV scenes in sequel, so I thought it would be a good time to transition to that, but... eh, I changed my mind. I started with Kayla and so I ended with her as well. 

It's interesting about titular because over here they sound exactly the same :P Well, at least they do here. We've got dozens of accents all over the country, so who knows what it sounds like anywhere else xD It wouldn't surprise me at all if we're saying it wrong over here in America. We have a tendency to make the English language much more difficult that it needs to be :P

There will absolutely be more about the supernatural bits in the sequel and maybe some new supernatural stuff as well O.o The sequel is definitely a change of pace from this one and the supernatural will eventually play a larger and more lengthy role than it has before.

Anyway, thanks for reading and commenting :D Glad you enjoyed it and I'm looking forward to hearing what you think about the sequel.

This is shaping up to be very interesting, indeed. I'm really curious about Ariana; she's definitely not your ordinary, everyday seventeen-year-old. I wonder why she has so much childlike wonder going on, why she can be so on-point with some things, yet so naive with others? It'll be interesting, learning what her story is.

I'm also curious to learn a bit more about Kayla, and her past.

I did come across a few errors, though; areas where you omitted a word: "Ariana likely wouldn’t know what a fuse box, much less where it could be found." (what a fuse box was, I'm guessing is what you meant to put).

"Ariana was trapped her own version of Hell." (in her own version of Hell).

And I came across one typo: "Thank you!" she exclaimed, planting a kiss on the brunette's check.

That said, I'll be sure to read more. :)

Hey, thanks for the comment :) It's been a while since anyone's commented on the very first chapter, so I'm feeling all nostalgic now. Ariana is an enigma wrapped up in a mystery for a while, I like to say. She's definitely not an ordinary seventeen-year-old, that's for sure :P 

Thanks for pointing out those errors, I'll be sure to fix them. I swear every time I look over this chapter and think I've caught any and all mistakes more of them end up popping up xD There's a conspiracy, I say! Anyway, thanks again for commenting. I'll be getting back to Whispers of Nowhere as soon as I can. I'm doing a lot of traveling over the next few days so it might be as late as Monday :(

Hey, no trouble at all. ^.^

Hahaha, I have that exact same problem, strangely enough; or you change the sentence structure, thinking that what you changed it to flows better, only to have someone say you should phrase it this way....which is exactly what you had before you started second-guessing yourself. XD No worries, I think it happens to everyone.

I understand, so no trouble there; read at your leisure. I know life can get pretty busy when all you want to do is read or write. :P I look forward to your feedback when you're ready to give it.

Hope you have a great weekend!

I liked this story. I would have never thought of seeing a story like this. Will plan to read more

Hi there! Thanks so much for reading this :) I'm sorry for taking so long to reply. I'm not usually this late in doing so. I'm pretty much always late. Seriously, ask anyone, I'm almost always late with replies but this is a bit much. Anyway, thanks again for reading this. If there's anything of yours in particular that you would like me to comment on, please let me know and I'll be sure to do so :)