Sparkatale

You came up with a new story - I tried commenting on your books before but I never had time to read them properly, but with this I can actually roll with the chapter updates!

First of all, and this is the same with your other novels: you're very good at writing scenes. All of the characters were believeable, you know exactly how people respond to questions and conversation and you takesimple things like body language into account as well, which a lot of writers (myself sometimes) forget to do. 

You're handling both a normal, living city and some magical elements (I've done this myself with Emi & I's Eamersdr) and you transitioned between the two very well. Again, I've seen people do this before and they can lean too much into one side of it, but with this pilot chapter it was perfectly fine. We have an antagonist, and an unexpected protector for Tina. She's obviously been drawn into something bigger than herself, and this chapter makes me want to keep reading. 

A few errors ('He was tall man...' & 'It meant almost twelve hour day...') but nothing a quick edit can't fix. I'll try my best to keep reading this, but this chapter laid great groundwork! 

Thanks for the comment! Heh, Gifted/Cursed really is a long slog to put yourself through xD I’m not sure how often this will be updated – probably pretty regularly at first, but I do intend to go back to Gifted/Cursed eventually and once I do the updates for this one will probably slow down. Still, I love urban fantasy so it’s been fun to dive into the genre for this :) Thanks so much for commenting again! I’m glad it was somewhat enjoyable :)

While it will likely never replace science fiction as my favorite genre, urban fantasy is definitely a very close second so like I said before this is right up my alley. It all begins so normal that you’d be forgiven for forgetting that there’s anything fantastical at all. I really liked the opening with Tina and her interactions with her customers. As someone who has worked in customer service, I can tell this was written by someone who has worked in customer service :P Tina is just such a normal girl and I have to say there’s a lot of relatability (No joke, I had to google to see if that was a word :P) there with her. Also, for reasons I can’t completely explain, I am somewhat suspicious of Sandwich Man. I really have no idea why as he didn’t do anything remotely suspicious, but here we are :P Speaking of suspicious things, I knew that cat was up to something the second he appeared. Although I thought he was something like a familiar or whatnot instead of a shape shifter, so that was a nice surprise. On second thought, I wonder if… nope, it’s way too early for theories. I’ll hold onto that for now and collect more information.

Crap, Tina! You’ve gone and taken the stones. Don’t you know what happened the last time people messed with magical stones? A whole lot of people dissolved into ash, that’s what! Sorry, I just watched Avengers: Infinity War and the stones in this reminded me of the Infinity Stones and… yeah, never mind. These stones here are interesting and I’m really curious to see what they are and why they’re seemingly so important that people are willing to kill for them. They’re clearly important, but why? Very curious indeed.

Anyway, enough of my aimless rambling for one night. I really enjoyed this opening chapter. There’s so much here to work with and so many places the story can go. I mean, a magical underground war hidden from the city above. Possibly discovering what else exists outside this supposed last city on Earth. And although I may well be reading far too deeply into it, you specifically mention the financial and social inequality between the inner and outer city. If that doesn’t scream ‘civil uprising’… well, then it doesn’t and I’m reading too much into it xD Either way, I’m really excited to see where you take this. It’s a very interesting start and I was drawn in immediately. Well done :) Oh, I almost forgot to ask. This wouldn’t happen to be a reworking of that magical ninja gangsters idea you mentioned, would it? It just has a feel similar to what I imagined that might be like. Just curious if you decided to do something with that or were at least inspired by it.  

Thanks for the comment! Heh, years of customer service had prepared me very well for writing this chapter xD It was fun to write about all the little quirks that come with a job like that :P Anyway, I’ll say that you were almost right about the cat being a familiar. In my original draft, that’s exactly what he was, although there was also a second cat who appeared only during the final fight who was the shapeshifter. However, I felt that it all got rather confusing and I wasn’t really all that sure about the idea of familiars anyway. They seemed a little too whimsical to fit in with the rest of the story so I decided to drop that idea. Long story short, the shapeshifter’s familiar was downgraded from a magical being to a pet and was removed from this particular chapter :P

Heh, well I can’t say I’ve seen Infinity War (Or any other MCU movie, for that matter) so any resemblance to the infinity stones is purely coincidental :P That said, though, from what I do know of the movie I don’t think the stones in this story act very similar to the infinity stones xD At the very least, they can’t be used to erase half of the world’s population. And also, I want to say without a doubt that there is absolutely a world beyond Salvos and its associated towns and farms. I’m not sure if we’ll ever delve into that (I haven’t fully decided what the scope of this story will be yet) but I don’t consider that to be a secret. As far as the people of Salvos know they are all that remains, but in reality they are the remains of one country and surely some other humans somewhere in all the other countries around the world have also survived although contact has been lost :P Still, from the point of view of the general public (and maybe the government too, who knows? :P) their city is the last of humanity. And finally, you’re right, this is the re-imagined version of the magical ninja gangsters story xD It’s quite different from the original (mostly because I was around sixteen/seventeen when I wrote it and I was really lame and pretentious back then xD) but the main idea/general feeling of the series is the same. 

So again, it was another really solid chapter. I also want to apologize if this comment trails off or deosn't make sense, I'm exhausted from a six-day working period xD

What really stood out for me was the way you describe the environment itself, especially the full-length windows with the view of the inner city. You're balancing the magicial and realistic aspects of the world very well, you get a real sense of the social divide, and you touch on the outside world briefly, but you bring it back to Tina and Morgan and the city itself, especially with that car chase at the end of the chapter.

Another positive is the dialogue, and you combine witty and humorous statements  - like Morgan pointing out Tina's name tag when she asked how he knew her name - to more pressing statements about the stones and the danger her life is in.

I loved Diana. as a supporting character she adds a lot during her debut. I can't wait to see what more of a role she plays as the story progresses.

Morgan was written pretty well. explained the threat prety well, and he balances humor with seriousness and plays off of Diana. He also comes across as a powerful shape-shifter... I mean, he turned into an Eagle! I wonder what scope his powers are and if there are limitations, and if the antagonists have the same breath of abilities.

One thing I found was the issue of Tina losing a lot of blood, something which Morgan stated. I know that magic is involved, but usually loss of blood requires a blood transfusion. Considering Morgan is a shapeshifter, was there magic involved in restoring this blood? It just bothered me a tiny bit in what was otherwise a really good chapter!

I also want to apologize for the spelling mistakes in my last comment...again, tired xD

Thanks so much for the comment! Heh, I didn’t realise this when I wrote it, but the way Diana and Morgan talk to each other is a lot like my sister and I :P When I read over it I was like, “Huh. Their pet names for each other are idiot and dumbass too” xD Anyway, Diana is the third most important character after Tina and Morgan, so we’ll certainly be seeing a lot more of her in the near future.

As for the blood transfusion thing, that’s an interesting question you raise. Brace yourself, I’m about to go full on biology nerd on you xD In reality, Tina probably would not have received a blood transfusion even if she had been taken to hospital. Morgan did not transfuse his blood with magic, he sealed her thoracic cavity and also stopped the bleeding from continuing any further. Healing magic is a different area of study to shape-shifting, and one that Morgan’s not very practiced at, so when he says she “lost a lot of blood” it’s his objective opinion and he’s not very accurate. That said, she did lose a decent amount (I mean, she was stabbed :P) and would have probably benefited from some IV isotonic fluids, but blood transfusions are usually only used as a last resort due to the limited supply and risk of transfusion reactions. So if Tina was still losing blood or if she was showing severe clinical signs of hypovolaemia such as collapsing every time she stood up, mental obtundation, etc, she may have needed one definitely to survive. But as it stands her clinical signs are relatively mild and she only collapses after trying to run (which can happen even when you donate blood) so she can get away without having one done. The main thing that was going to kill her was the pneumothorax caused by the puncture wounds in her chest – hence why Morgan sealed the chest cavity. Anyway, that ended up way longer than I intended it to be, I just find stuff like this really interesting xD I Sorry for wasting your time! :P

Oh, and there's no need to apologise for spelling mistakes. I didn't even notice that many anyway, and besides, I make enough of them myself without even being tired xD I hope you're getting a decent amount of rest now after working for so long! :)

That... is fair enough xD

Once you explain it like that, it makes sense because the first thing I thought about when it comes to loss of blood was blood transfusions, and that was really the only thing that irked me in an otherwise great chapter which introduced Diana ( I actually laughed when I read your comment about the inspiration of Diana and Morgan's dialogue) I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

This chapter is an excellent follow up to the opening one. We get a broader sense of the world and the plot without too much being explained and I liked that. We’re being eased into all of this and I think that’s a great way of introducing everything. At no point am I being overwhelmed with information. I definitely need to take lessons from you in that regard :P I find it interesting that Tina believes the world outside of Salvos to be a quote ‘nuclear wasteland’ however we know from the summary that it was magic that destroyed the world. That’s interesting because it seems to imply that the non-magical population has somehow been convinced that some sort of nuclear apocalypse has taken place. This raises all sorts of questions to add to the ones I had from the previous chapter. Sorry, none of that has anything to do with this chapter. World-building stuff just fascinates me :P

Anyway, I fully expected Sandwich Man to be Tina’s masked rescuer. He had to most attention brought to him in the last chapter, so I never thought it might be Mint Guy instead. If that was your intention, well done! If not, well done anyway because it makes for a great little mini twist if you followed the same line of thought I did. I still feel like Sandwich Man is involved somehow, but perhaps I’m being too judgmental and he’s just a completely normal guy who enjoys sandwiches :P Knowing so little about this world I’m not completely sure I trust Morgan just yet, I mean he seems like a decent guy and he did rescue Tina but I’m still a little hesitant. He does have a pet cat though, so he gets points for that and for choosing an adorable name as well xD He also wins badass points for turning into a freaking eagle there at the end :P

I really like how Tina processes everything that’s happening and how she handles it all. While it isn’t how I personally react to things, I thought Tina’s way of responding to the revelation of magic was fantastically done and it adds a lot to the character by showing that she believes in facts and things she can see, feel, and touch. Now that she’s seen magic, she believes it’s real even if she doesn’t understand it. I thought that was a really cool way to handle it and it’s not typical to this genre so I liked that.  

We only get a brief glimpse of Diana, but based on her conversations with Morgan you’ve clearly been listening in on me and my brother :P We love each other to death but we’ve had conversations like that one at the end a thousand times xD I can’t wait to meet Diana properly because she seems like a fun character that will compliment Morgan quite well. I like her already.

Anyway, overall (I swear, I use that word in every damn comment. I need to expand my vocabulary :P) this was a really great second chapter. I enjoyed getting to learn a little more about magic and Morgan’s people. I think you’re doing a good job introducing us to this world and I’m looking forward to seeing what comes next. Wherever Morgan and Tina land, it should be interesting!

Thanks for the comment :) Heh, I really took the easy way out with this story by making Tina a Naïve Newcomer xD It makes it a lot easier to dish out small bits of exposition at a time when using that trope, as opposed to having the story told from the point of view of characters who know everything already. When I first started sharing my writing I got told off for info-dumping on a regular basis, so it’s something I have had beaten out of me over time :P As for the nuclear wasteland thing, I won’t say anything on the matter. How the world ended isn’t a major spoiler as the mages + their allies are aware of the truth. It will probably be revealed in the relatively near future, but it’s fun to keep it a mystery for now anyway xD

Haha, Sandwich Man was most certainly intended to be a diversion so I’m glad it worked xD When I first wrote that café scene, Mint Guy/Morgan was the only customer present and his sequence was a little longer too. However, I felt that it was way too obvious he was important to the story so Sandwich Man and Chai Girl (to a lesser extent) were born to throw people off the scent xD I even named the chapter after the three of them to lean into it :P Still, I ended up really liking Sandwich Man and his sequence in the chapter, so at one point I did consider giving him a larger role in the story. I won’t say what my final decision was :P Perhaps he is involved with the main plot, or perhaps he’s just an ordinary guy who loves his sandwiches xD

Haha, it’s funny you say that about Diana and Morgan reminding you of yourself and your brother because when I was reading over this story before posting it I realised how much their relationship resembles that of my twin sister and myself xD I guess that really tells you what sort of relationship they have :P 

Anyway, thanks again for the comment. Oh, and congratulations , by the way!!! :D :D :D I won’t say anything here, but I presume you will know what I mean :P

Haha, well thank you very much :) I'm trying stupidly hard not to just squeal in delight all the time :P I had no idea how much I wanted it until it happened, and now... I'm just really really happy. We both are :) And so is my mom. This is a dream come true for her xD

It's a very interesting third chapter, that's for sure.

Even from the first paragraph you can see how good you are with descriptions; you give a very vivid sense of just how hard Tina has to work to hold onto Morgan, and I liked the physical introduction of Diana. Again I like their dynamic, and I agree with her: if Morgan left the damn stones in the vault none of this would have happened! xD

You also mention that these are a very specific type of stoens, and that there are hundreds more that perform different functions. This is really interesting and I want to know how shapeshifting factors into all of this.

Just two tiny errors that can be fixed with some light editing ( The bag of slipped through her fingers and fell... & Tina collapsed not the concrete...)

One thing I would point out though, is that the city in this chapter seems a little empty. I undersand that it's the middle of the night but it felt like almost every single person was indoors and oblivious to what was going on, save for the protagonists and antagonists. I'd mention that even adding a line or two throughout the chapter - like when the fireball was launched at Morgan, did anybody see it? Record it? Were their homes impacted by it? Something like that!

Just another tiny thing, you mention covered in black quite a lot when describing their clothes, maybe a bit more description; were their sleeves lined with gold? Did they wear any jewellery? etc

It's still a really good chapter which introduced us more into the story arc, and I'm really beginning to get invested in this story. You - as well as Serina Harcourt - are actually giving me a few pointers for my own writing, so thank you! ^^

Thanks for the comment! Heh, Morgan really is to blame for everything that’s happened so far :P Anyway, I’m glad you liked this chapter and thanks for pointing out the thing with the city seeming too empty. I always struggle when I write action scenes to include details about the environment, so thanks for drawing my attention to it in this case. As for their clothes, I do imagine them literally all wearing black from head to toe, with no other distinguishing features :P They’re all wearing bodysuit-esque outfits to conceal their identities. Still, I’ll try and find another way to describe it so it doesn’t seem so repetitive! Thanks again :D

I actually really enjoy the story so far, and I will tackle Cursed at some stage in the future xD

I also misspelt stones, because I'm an idiot xD

I’ve got to say, this is probably my favorite chapter to date. Okay, I know there’s only three chapters so far, but the point still stands :P As usual, you continue to impress with your action sequences. The attempted aerial getaway at the beginning was tense and exciting as they’re dodging literal fire while they try to escape. That scene was really well done and I though you did a great job detailing Tina’s desperate attempts to cling to Morgan and helping him avoid the attacks. Then of course we have Tina’s great escape from the murder hobo (don’t ask, that’s what Claire called him :P) there towards the end. Really well done on both accounts.

I still really like the fact that we don’t know anything except what Tina’s being exposed to. We’re being spoon-fed information in little pieces and you’re never sure when they’re coming or how much is completely accurate given that while I like Morgan a lot, I’m still not sure I completely trust him. He seems like a perfectly upstanding fellow, but who knows?

I’ve got to admit, you managed to trick me for a minute there. I thought at first that the stones could only be used by mages, so I assumed Tina must be one since she turned into a bird and all. But it appears to be that the stones themselves provide the magic. That’s quite an interesting turn of events from what I’d been thinking. Unless Tina really is a mage and this is all a diversion. But you wouldn’t do something so sneaky to me, would you? :P And the stones are shapeshifting stones! That’s not what I was expecting, so that’s really cool. I was expecting them to be some sort of magical WMD, so I like that they’re something completely different. I’m really curious now why the Rexes never wanted them until now. Do they need them for some sort of evil plot? Hmm, curious. That also brings up another interesting point. We’re not at all sure that the Rexes are, in fact, any better or worse than the Devons. We don’t really know the first thing about either of these families, and Morgan himself said his own family would murder Tina just for knowing about the stones so I’m hesitant to judge the Rexes too harshly at this point. It’d be an interesting twist if the Devons actually ended up being the villains but I’m not too sure they will. It’s interesting to think about though.

But anyways, overall (seriously, what other word could I use?) this was a fantastic chapter with lots of new information and plenty of action. I can’t wait to see what happened next and what Morgan and Diana’s father has to say about the loss of the stones. I’m also really interested what Tina’s mom will say if she finds out her daughter was a bird.

 Also, I freaking love Diana. Nothing more need be said xD

Oh, also again, congrats on everything you've got going right now! I don't want to air your business on a public forum, but I just wanted to say that I hope you're happy and excited! :D

Thanks for the comment! Haha, murder hobo xD I love it. Anyway, I’m glad you liked this chapter :) I always find action-heavy chapters very difficult to write so I’m glad it came across well. As for trusting the Devons, the only real reason we have to trust them is they’re the side out protagonist has accidentally fallen in league with. Even Morgan himself – even if he’s a very nice person, he could still be involved in some hella shady stuff xD

And although this will be made clear in the next chapter anyway, I thought I’d mention it: Morgan and Diana are not blood-related :P Morgan is part of the Devon clan/group/whatever you want to call it, but he is not part of the biological Devon family. When Morgan says his family would kill Tina if they found out what she knew, he’s referring to his “gang family” (for lack of a better term, but this is where the gangsters part comes into it I suppose xD) rather than just his actual relatives. The Devon clan is made up of a few different families and Morgan comes from one of the other ones, while Diana is the daughter of the leader of their clan and thus actually has the surname Devon :P The Rex clan has a different structure, but the same can be said for them in that not all of their members will be part of the Rex family. 

Oh and thanks! Right now I’m more nervous than excited, but I’m trying my best xD