Sparkatale

This was fantastic! You opened it with action, right off the hop, instantly hooking me into reading on. From the moment she's running in the woods, to the chapter's end, I haven't stopped trying to figure out just who Marli is, and where she comes from--or perhaps, when?

The flow of your writing is superb; there isn't a single fault I can find with it. Your characters are intriguing, and the plot has my full interest.

Exceptional work, by far. :)

Beautifully done; this was very richly detailed in the history of Ametris, and read very fluidly. I guess it is safe to assume that the twins know that Marli knows them for what they are, judging by Everan's silent appeal to keep their secret.

Hmm...she almost said something other than Ametris at one point; great job on hooking your readers further; you give us just enough to keep us wanting more. :)

Until next time,

-Shannon-

Hello, again!

I came across one typo: you put "principal",  instead of "principle", toward the beginning of the chapter.

I love all of the little details you put in; for instance, how you put in when Kamile  has a nightmare and Everan is awake, he's able to actually see what she's dreaming about. It was a nice touch. :)

I can sympathize with Everan's feelings, about sheltering Kamile while at the same time knowing she needs to grow up and learn the truth. Of course, he leans a lot more toward the former, which makes him out to be a little too over-protective of his sister...but then again, it's more than just to protect her, isn't it? He's afraid of being abandoned, when all is said and done. I feel bad for him, really--but, not unlike his sister, he needs to face facts, too.

Good prose, well done on environment, as well as dialogue. Looking forward to reading more. ^_^

Found one minor error; looks like two different ways of phrasing one of your sentences wanted to come out at once. You put, "I thought you Ametrisans didn't have believe in royalty." Just thought I'd let you know, so you could fix it. ^^

As to the content of the chapter itself? Thoroughly enjoyable, well-paced, and well-written dialogue. :) I'm eager to learn more about who Marli is, where she came from, and to see how all of the main characters develop, as the story progresses.

This was a really good look at the dynamic relationship between Kamile and Everan, showing just how deep their bonds go, between being twins, and the sad life they've led.

I also like how you described Dwarves as being quite different than what most people imagine them as; it's a refreshing twist. :)

You did an excellent job conveying Everan's grief and anger, over his and Kamile's adoptive mother leaving them; you also did excellently with Marli, explaining to him the honour of true family comes from more than just being bound by blood, alone. It's something I agree with, wholeheartedly.

I came across another error: "following the little tug in his mind that told her where, and how far away, Kamilé was."

Nothing major, of course; it happens to everyone. :)

All in all, a beautifully done chapter; my heart aches for the twins, but it's good to see that, despite how vehement he was about it when Marli suggested it, Everan is willing to give Kamile some leeway in the decision-making process. I wonder if Pilori really does have a good reason?

Anyway, excellent work. ^^

You clearly put a lot of work into this, it's obvious as soon as you glance at the first sentence, the way you introduce different tongues of languages, the sheer length of this chapter alone. It's interesting, intriguing,  a story that makes me want to read more. The conversations are natural and flowing, the surroundings are described perfectly. 

This is great!

Hi Danny,

Thanks so much for your review. You have no idea how much it means to me that people are reading my stories and liking them :) Hope you enjoy the rest! I will be sure to keep them coming. 

Thanks, 

Catherine

Beautifully done; the story is unfolding nicely, as are the characters. Even with so much being said of Marli's past, there's still a lot left unsaid, which leaves me craving more. It makes me very curious to see why she led such a hard life, why she had to do the things that she did back in her city.

You convey character's emotions quite well, such as the conversation between Marli and Carn; the dialogue was excellent, as always, and as far as I can see, your prose is flawless. ^_^ So, there might be a budding romance there too, I see. I'm interested to see how this plays out.

Very beautifully written; I love the attention to detail on the merpeople's appearances, both before and after their transformation, as well as the purpose of the magical bracelets they possess. Very cool, indeed. :)

I also really like how some of their legends parallel our own, yet different; different names for civilizations and people, different twists for how things came about, etc. In doing this, you have made their world both relatable to the reader, yet refreshing.

I really like Italis; whether things get better or worse for the twins, I feel he's a trustworthy character who means them well.

Oh, before I forget--I also love your description of the world tree, and the crescent-shaped cliff it holds together with its roots; I could picture it all so clearly, the water falling off of the edge, the roots that form pathways. ^^ Keep up the amazing work!

Really, really loved this chapter. Everan's emotional state in regards to Pilori is very relatable, but so too is Kamile's willingness to forgive and forget.

I particularly like the part where Marli is explaining to Kayle about the moon, the stars, the world of the gods, and phoenixes! Gods, I love phoenixes, but you put a fresh, bright new twist on their rebirth process, which is always nice to see (since there really isn't much covered on them in mythology to begin with).

I really do hope to see your story published; it's a very enjoyable read, and I can't imagine it needing too much fixing beforehand. Excellent, excellent work. :)

Thank you Shannon! And thanks for catching those spelling/grammar errors earlier. They have been fixed :) I appreciate your help so much. 

Catherine

No worries, I'm glad I could be of some help. ^_^

I looks forward to reading more.

Love the way you opened up this chapter. At one point, you referred to the dwarves as being much too small and loud for the room, but I'm guessing you meant "much too big", given how you've made them large, and the context of the sentence that follows (which suggests it would be all too easy for them to break something).

Just thought I'd point that out. ^^;

That one, tiny error aside, this was beautifully written; the descriptions, everything form the environment, to the people, to the moods---was perfect. I feel so badly for Everan, what with him feeling like he's holding Kamile back, like he'll never be loved as she is.

The premise behind your story is fascinating, and I look forward to learning more about the Heart of Ametris, and why it affected the people the way it did. :) Great work, all around.

Incredible!

Beautiful writing, as always; excellent prose, great detail on the environment, and you did an amazing job on...well, everything! :)

This was a brilliant chapter, and incredibly heart-wrenching. I didn't see it coming to this, at all. I really look forward to reading more, and seeing how things turn out.

This is so eloquently written! The comparisons you make while detailing all that is happening, both to the people and their environment, is astounding. The way you wrote about the flames, how you speak of them as though they were sentient--I love it! I long for the day when I can write like this, and this isn't just flattery--I am absolutely enthralled with your prose. :)

As Marli is going around the library's fourth floor, there's a section where you started to use brackets, but you didn't use the ending bracket. ^^; Just thought I'd let you know.

I also really like Marli's introspective, how you shed light on the complexities of what she's feeling; how she still cares, yet is detached, at the same time. Growing up the way she did, it isn't any wonder, really.

I could feel her rage, when Kayle's old flame thought she could just weasle her way back into his life, now that his life was so close to being at an end. I can understand her anger, even if she was in denial about her own feelings...or perhaps she just needs time to see them for what they are.

Great work, all around. I loved the attention to detail on her healing powers (I should be taking notes from you, since we're writing for the same genre. Don't worry though, I would never steal--I just lack your descriptive prowess, lol).

I can't wait to see what happens, next. I also wonder how Kamile is faring, and what became of Everan. I wonder if it's possible that he survived... :(

Honestly, your work is amazing. I really hope you get published, when this story is done. ^^ I'd buy it in a heartbeat.

Once again, Shannon, your comment has made my day. Thank you so much for catching these little things! And for reading in general! Some days that's the only thing that keeps me motivated to keep writing :)

Aww, you're very welcome. ^_^ I'm glad that it helps.

And by the way, I have a second book up on Sparkatale if I'm ever taking too long on Ametris :) It's of more or less the same genre. 

I actually have it saved to favourites. ^_^ I'll be reading it soon, I wager.