Sparkatale

Okay, here I go with critiquing our work! I'll try to remain as unbiased as possible, I promise. 

(Quick side note, the opening is so amazing to me. Maybe when we finish writing, you can turn that into something on its own.)

Paragraph 4, Line 7: Changing the word from here, to there. As it is past tense in which the story is being told.

Paragraph 23, ling 6: Dylan is describing his favourite authors and their works. Christopher Paolini- who wrote Ergaon, and Stephen King- who wrote a number of fantastic works (11/22/63 being my favourite) but it was George R.R Martin who had wrote the GoT series. 

And the following paragraph; when speaking of his mother, Dylan surmises that his mother is working on a project that is close to a deadline : 'a project must be due soon' - this is spoken in present tense, which could be that he is thinking it, and not describing it. In which case the phrase should be the start of a new paragraph and typed in italics. Or, it should be scripted in past tense: 'a project must have been due soon' 

When Dylan is describing his reoccurring dream; 'I've always had the same dream, and tonight was no exception.' Tonight should be changed to that night. Just to keep it all constant. 

Okay, for the most part, I think we did pretty well (considering it was unedited).  

I love Dylan, he's so easy to connect to. Especially as a lover of fantasy. He's got this way about him-- where he cares about things, but doesn't really want to, you know what I mean?

I can't wait till he breaks free, and actually gets excited about something, and not be judged by his enthusiasm towards it.

Speaking of, I just realized how much I actually dislike Aunt Josephine. She's so critical of Dylan (more so than anyone else) she actually irks me. Which is a good thing! If someone can invoke that emotion out of the person who's reading, then that means the character is well written! 

Alright, I guess it's time to dissect my own work.. Keep in mind- I'm going to be writing this completely unfiltered, so I'm sorry if my thoughts come out in a jumbled mess.

So, right off the bat, I cringed at how I started the chapter. I'm not sure if I was to forthright in trying to convey that she was from a different world. Or maybe I'm just being far too picky, I don't know. Tell me what you think.

First paragraph, line 2: I think I could make this into two sentences, rather than it dragging out; 'I had been instructed to meditate by the fire of my mentors home, how was I to do so, if he and his granddaughter refused to bless me with the silence I required?' Maybe we could change it to - 'I had been instructed to meditate by the fire of my mentors home. How was I to do so, if he and his granddaughter refused to bless me with the silence I required?'  I don't know.. looking at it now, they both seem a bit off to me.

Below the third paragraph I had written: 'I really have had enough of this' which is written in present tense. Of course, I give advice at writing, and yet I don't practice what I preach. It should be made in italics to show it is her thought process. If not, it should be changed to past tense. 'I really had enough of them.' or something to that affect.

Alright with the the dialogue.. I think I can make it flow smoother. It was : 'Why can you not be happy for me? I have only just pursued my dreams, just as you have always told me to do!' I used the word just twice, and placed them very close together. It made the sentence come off as repetitive. So maybe we can change it to : 'Why can you not be happy for me? I have only pursued my dreams, just as you always to me to!' I also got rid of a bit of unnecessary words, I think it works better this way.

Paragraph 7, line 5: I used the word my twice. 'It had been my my mother..' (I laughed at myself when I read that)

Paragraph 12, line 1: I made the sentence sound completely repetitive (again)- 'We shared a look, he had looked quite bemused.' Perhaps we can change it to- 'We shared a look, a bemused expression riddled his usually jovial face.' 

Paragraph 14, line 3: I'm thinking we get rid of the and  in the sentence- 'But the sounds of pleading could be heard, >and< they had sounded much closer than before.'

Paragraph 17, line 2: 'It hadn't been realized by me, just how cold it had become.' Something about how I phrased that seems off. We could try- 'I hadn't realized how cold it had become.' pretty simple. 

Anyways that's all I could find for now. I'll go over it again, just to make sure.

Honestly, where would I be without you? Your submitting chapters and editing them? You need a trophy, I'm genuinely serious!

I have made the changes you requested, they were completely honest and I actually respect how you were unbiased towards your own work as well! I'm going to start writing my chapter, and uploading yours in the meantime!

Okay, before I go off on a tangent here- can I just express how much I liked this chapter? Cause I really did. I got all excited when Dylan returned to Rongholdst for a second time. I also really liked his friend, Jacob! I laughed when he teased Dylan about his sketches. Anyways, here I go!

Paragraph 4: It's only one line, but maybe that should be moved down to when Dylan actually reaches the school. That way he can go on to describe as to why it indeed was a curious school.

Paragraph 10, line 2: 'I fought to stay awake, promised myself that tonight..' maybe to make it flow smoother, we could try changing it to 'I fought to stay awake, promising myself that I would get catch an early night..'

Paragraph 10, line 7: 'Jacob and I go way back.' I'm not sure if I'm right here, as the suggestion I'm about to write, and the way you have phrased it both seem correct to me. But here's my what I think it should be changed to- 'Jacob and I went way back.' as you can see, it's the tenses that have changed. But I'm not sure if Dylan is still friends with Jacob to date or not. Or if that matters? I think I'm confusing myself, moving on!

Paragraph 14, line 7: this one is such a minor issue, but might as well mention it, since I need to be precise when editing. 'frustrated, i crumpled up the offending..' Basically the F in frustrated needs to be capitalized, as well as I.

Paragraph 43, line 3: '...catching on something, I mustn't be able to witness..' I'm thinking of tweaking that to read- '...catching on something, I couldn't have witnessed..' Just a thought.

I'm really surprised at how few mistakes we have, usually I come out with a lot when working on my own individual stories. I think we have a good duo going on here! 

Of course we have very little mistakes, have you seen our collective individual work? We should be multi-million selling babes right now!

I shall edit my chapter when I have the new one completed. It's already 2000 words in and I have yet to write about the third encounter in Rongholdst, so It's probably going to be a long one - 4000 words is my estimation thus far. 

I've added someone into the story who is very minor, but will add a sense of mystery into the mix, you'll see soon enough (as well as our readers, you lucky things you!)

It's so true! 

I can't wait to read it, I'm dying to know what's going to happen next. I'm as in the dark about it as the next person! The longer the better, I say! Can't wait to meet the character!

I'm just going to jump right into the edit on my chapter.

That is one long sentence in the second paragraph! Even if I put commas, I think it would look more presentable if we broke it down into smaller portions; 'I was merely a girl of ten at the time, one could only imagine how truly scarring that could be. Especially when ones own mother would approach, and be sure to tell you that much of the same would be expected of you.' That seems better placed to me, then what I had  put down.

Paragraph 9, line 1: 'a curse for madness..' I should have made that in italics, as it was her thinking it. I'm really bad at managing that in my writing. 

Paragraph 13, line 1: 'It had soon been made clear to me what he had miffed him so.' Huh??? I don't think it quite came out as I intended for it to.  'It had soon been made clear as to what had miffed him so.' That seems so much better.

Paragraph 15, line 2: I had written- 'I had always fancied meeting astatyr, even befriending thinking of befriending it long before..' Oh lord have mercy. I need to learn how to form a coherent sentence. This should be changed to- ' I had always fancied meeting a satyr, even hoping to befriend one...' 

Paragraph 41, line 1: 'Power or no, Pixies curses were a powerful thing.' Sounds repetitive (as is my forte). Could change it to; 'Power, or no. Pixie curses were a force to behold.'

Paragraph 42, line 1: I forgot to do italics again, for her thoughts. Silly me. And in line 4, I made a typo; '....only evidence of out tumble' meant to type our tumble.

Bleh, I'm going to challenge myself next chapter I write. I'll try to keep a minimum of five mistakes!

I wouldn't worry about all of the mistakes. I'm making many more than you have, and everyone does it before the magic that is editing washes over everything and makes it better!

I have performed the surgical maneuvers, your chapter made it through perfectly fine! I really appreciate you taking the time to do this!

Ok, so I've gotten around to start reading this! Time to review chapter one...

The introduction in the beginning was a good way to start the chapter. I think it was a good hook. I found the rest of the chapter to be kind of boring- not because of the way it was written, but just because nothing happens. For the first chapter, I think it should have a little bit more excitement. I do like how you've described the character though and that we get to learn about his family life. The ending was a good cliffhanger as well. I found a few minor typos here and there but nothing of consequence. The only true complaint I have is actually not with the story itself, but in the summary of the story provided whenever someone hovers over it. When I was newer to Sparkatale this was one of the first stories I saw but I didn't read it because I was annoyed with the summary. Because I was too impatient to read it through to the end, it wasn't until much later that I realized it wasn't complete gibberish. I think that it might be deterring a lot of people from actually reading it.

Your a very avid reviewer, and you know what you're talking about and come up with constructive criticism - we could do with ten more of you!
The introduction was preliminary because Emi and I came up with chapters before Nanowrimo actually started, so we just filled that in so a summary would exist - honestly I had forgotten about it until you reminded me. Thank you for that, it has been changed!

I can understand the 'boredom' aspect you're referring to in the opening chapter (my chapter, too) but I can add that this chapter (along with Chapter 2 and Sylvia) was deliberately lacking excitement in order to show the reader how mundane Dylan's life was inside New York - and that the only excitement he can find within the city was within the confines of a fantasy novel. (Sylvia's opening chapter showcases her life within Rongholdst before any event begins, following in the same vein of yearning for more excitement.) It's also funny that your comment about describing Dylan clashes with an earlier review which claimed I described him a bit too much - Can't please everyone huh? ^^'

But thank you for your review and thank you for taking the time to read this story!

Actually now that you put it that way I can completely understand the point of the chapter. I didn't think about it that way. And let me just clarify that it wasn't "boring" enough to make me stop reading, it just lacked the "OMG" element that most good stories begin with. This is still a good story. I don't know why but you tend to make characters that I personally find charming, both in this story and in your other one that I reviewed. I'll continue to read this one as well and keep giving you feedback. ^^ Yes, your descriptions CAN be a little bit long-winded at times but I didn't really think that this particular chapter had that issue. Anyway, none of your descriptions that I've read have been so long or pointless that I've felt the need to really point them out, but you are right- you can't please everyone. XD If you changed your style to please every single person it would no longer be your style but someone else's. I personally write primarily for myself, not for other people. If you're not happy with it in the end then there's really no point even if everyone else loves it.

Ok interesting... so she lives in another world than Dylan then? And in his dream he somehow manages to go into her world? And she seems to live in a fairytale-like land. The writing style here reminds me a lot of your other story with Merlin, as well as the choice in wording. You did a good job at describing the world, but the events were a little bit confusing to follow, particularly right after she speaks to the "drunk old man". Suddenly right after that she's going outside or something and it threw me off a little bit. I thought for a moment that she was running away from home to meet the guy the "drunk old man" had told her about. Also, I would have liked it if you would have had actual dialogue instead of just telling us what happened, but I guess you didn't want the chapter to be so long either.

So far the plot is engaging and I'm going to keep reading. :) I want to see what happens now that these two have met.

There were just two typos that I found:

1) "Why can you not be happy for me? I have only pursued my dreams, just as you always to me to!" - Also you forgot punctuation in front of "Why" signaling that it's dialogue. XD

2) "being a one with the world"

The paragraphs seem to be spaced unevenly. Some of them have more space between them than others. Not sure if this was intentional? But it makes it look a bit sloppy, so I'd make it more consistent.

Oh and sorry if it takes me so long to review. I have a long list of people that I have to get around to, so it sometimes takes me weeks before I make one complete round. Love ya! :D

Thank you for your review on the second chapter! 

I didn't have time to visit Sparkatale recently due to other commitments, but I'll make sure to fix the typos and uneven spacing asap! This was Emi's chapter so in the other regards of your review I'll leave her to decide whether to change the dialog or not.

Also Emi, I'm very sorry for not being online recently, my laptop is kaputt and my tablet won't send PMs ( utterly frustrating) ! 

I'm going to upload both chapters now, and begin writing le finale! 

No problem, Danny! Take your time, and good-luck writing your chapter! Can't wait to see the finished product :)

Okay...so I'm attempting to write this.. 

But this writer's block is just so...=/

So i'm 1600 words in...but this wonderful tablet will.not.send.private.messages and I can't even *frustration*

Thanks, Tigress! I'll go back and try to change some things to make it less confusing there, and I'll also see how I can throw some more dialogue into the mix! :) 

Back on the editing scene, I'll do my best! Though I do tend to overlook a lot of things, so you might want to do a once over just to see if I missed anything, or if I got something wrong.

Also, before I start; Looking back on this, I never really realized how blindly we went into this. (Not saying it as a bad thing, because it was fun!) I mean we outlined the plot, but the way we developed it was completely winged. I loved doing the chapter by chapter thing, cause we were always throwing surprises at each other, and I think that's what made writing with you especially enjoyable! But that's enough rambling, I'll jump into the boring part: Editing- yuck!

'..and began to reminisce the dream I had last night.' this could be changed to 'the night before', or, 'the night prior'. 

'By the time Josephine and I saw him last week..' similar to the change above 'last week' can be changed to 'the week prior', or whatever you decide on. Something to that effect.

'...embracing Josephine and shaking my hand, a regular ritual by now.' I say.. maybe scratch the now part and change it to then, or just remove the last two words all together? Your choice! 

'He recognized her more and more now.' This sentence might be changed to 'He had been recognizing her more and more.' 

'But I knew now that the gesture was just an act.' this one is easily changeable as well :D with a simple swap of the word now for then.

'..capable of doing things for himself- at least for now.' maybe change it to 'at least for a time.' or something better than you can come up with. I'm searching my mind for suggestions, but I'm a bit slow today. So, sorry for my lack of helpfulness!

'Maybe it was a bad idea to come here.' perhaps you can change that to 'maybe it had been a bad idea to go and visit after all.'  

'She was already here.' just put a little t in front of here. :)

I think another reason why I'm bad at giving suggestions for changing sentences is mainly because I don't want to alter the voice of the writer. So I leave a bad suggestion and hope they come up with something better (which I know they will) and have it written in their own voice.

I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record! Just trying to help. I'll tear my own writing limb from limb I swear. But you know, your writing is spot on for the most part! I saw virtually no other errors in it. You're a marvellous writer, and I'm a fan as you already know! And this was also the introduction to my favourite character in the entire story. So, hooray!

Actually, while you've said that...I kinda forgot that we charged into this completely blind and just threw up surprises and sub-plots! It certainly looks a whole lot more concrete then it must have appeared when we were overcoming our respective writer's blocks and telling each other not to critique our work too much!

I will perform the necessary surgeries, and don't worry about the commas! 

Cringe, cringe, cringe. Do you ever do that when reading your own writing? Might be just me.. Anyway, here I go!

'My short temper, was explained..' Me and these damn commas have this long going affair. I love them so much I sometimes put them where they're not needed. So expect a lot of my editing to be the removal of said perpetrators!

'It turned into something of a game. Like cat and mouse..' I was thinking of joining these sentences.. something like: 'It turned into something of a game, like cat and mouse chasing one another.' or it could be conjoined with the following sentence: 'Like cat and mouse- chasing one another; I, however, had quite enough of playing.' Whichever you think is best.

'I ducked and weaved, under fallen branches of the..' the comma..! I have a problem. I need to go to commas anonymous!

'I could only roll my eyes, as I pushed my way inside.' comma.

'Her silky golden hair was let loose, and brought forward upon her shoulder.' I feel like going on a crusade against my usage of the little devils. Not that I'm removing all of them! Only the ones that seem to disrupt the flow of the sentence- like the one mentioned. 

'I had minded her going through..' If I could make the request of italicizing the word had.. just to emphasize it a bit. :)

 'I could not understand the taste he, and Medea had acquired.' Comma.

'...never something of interest to me, that was Medea's fancy.'  I'm wondering about this sentence. I'm not sure if it's correct or not. Perhaps changing it to: '..those were things Medea fancied.' instead would be better. Again, I'm not the best at editing.

'She placed her mugwort tea upon the rickety old round table, that was of poor make..' Comma can go.

'It wobbled with the added weight, and I became fearful..' I'm thinking of altering the sentence to: 'It wobbled with the added weight; I became fearful..'

'He staggered over, panting heavily, and paying little mind to us.' Just remove the second comma. I think..

'Shouldn't you be searchin' for whoever you're supposed to be searchin' fer?' I really seem to go all over with how Arlen speaks. To keep it constant: 'Shouldn't ye' be searchin' fer whoever yer supposed to be searchin' fer?' (Side note: the way he speaks reminds me of a pirate LOl) 

'Then where is he, you sorry lout?' change the you to ye, as Arlen loves to keep his words as informal as possible. :)

'I secretly promised myself, for when next we met, I would..' Remove the first comma.

'At some points, my face would..' Comma.

'I was fond of my master, and assimilated..' Comma.

'And was wondering if you would aid me, by using a..' Comma.

'What? You could not use such a simple spell yourself?' Arlen.. choose and stick to a way to speak: 'What? Ye' couldn't use such a simple spell yerself?' 

'He would have far less wrinkles if he did not frown so much..' This should be italicized. 

'It was a small blessing, considering the circumstances.' Comma. 

'For added emphasis, I puffed myself up by placing  my hands upon my hips, and sucking in a breath.' I'm going to say change that to 'For added emphasis: I puffed myself up by placing my hands on my hips while sucking in a breath.' 

'Every time he appeared, his presence only grew stronger.' Comma.

'A bit of pity took root within me, as he genuinely seemed lost.' This could be changed to 'Pity had begun to take root within as he genuinely seemed lost.' 

'And so, to alleviate..' I'm just going to say remove the words and so. 

'...and with a stern look, I advised..' Comma.

'The light of the sun shone down upon us, with the clear skies hanging over head.The light of the sun had made the..' I made this sentence awkwardly repetitive.. The second sentence could be rewritten to: 'that very light had made..' or 'The suns rays had made..' 

'My cries fell upon deaf ears..' I used the word cried in the sentence prior to this one- which again, makes this one seem a bit repetitive. So we could try: 'My protesting(or protest) fell upon..' 

'Soundeg quite chipper than before while ooking about.' Major typo's there! I meant to write type sounding and looking. How did I end up with that? While we're on this sentence anyway, I'd like to rewrite it to: 'Sounding quite chipper- more so than before, while looking about..' 

Anywho, I think that's enough editing for me today. I take so long doing it, and I really do find it boring-- but necessary of course! I'll continue later! :D

Oh my... did you know that my next book was going to be a very similar story to this one? Holy crap... now everyone is going to think I was copying you! :D

One thing that stood out to me (it's petty and really insignificant) is the fact that you said his friend roots for the Eagles. Perhaps it's because I'm from an area that supports them, but I'm pretty sure people in NYC root for the Giants not the Eagles. I'm not a huge football fan or anything, but the rivalry is pretty huge so it's just strange how you described them as being in NYC and liking the Eagles. I could, however, be completely wrong. Like I said... I'm not a football fan.

I like how this story is developing, however I would like to see some of the less necessary scenes cut out or shortened. If it's not absolutely necessary to the story then it shouldn't be there. For the most part you don't digress too much, but you don't have to tell us every part of the day. Skip to bits and pieces of it that are interesting, the highlights.

I can say: I followed a white rabbit into a hole and landed in Wonderland.   --  Or I can say: I woke up this morning, went to school, took my art class, said hi to my friend, ate some lunch... oh, and I followed a white rabbit into a hole and landed in Wonderland.  --  The first one is fine the way it is. Taking away the extra info doesn't affect anything. :D

As always though, great job!

You could be right about NYC and their football allegiances - I literally have no idea about American Football and I was watching a game with my brother where the Eagles were playing and I just nabbed them! If it turns out you are right I will change it for the sake of accuracy!

And you may have a good point when it comes to digressing. I'll admit I haven't spotted it until you mentioned it, so I'll take it on board and see what I can do! Thank you for your honesty and for your continued interest in my stories (I feel like it's slightly unfair that you review multiple stories of mine while I cannot find the time to view yours - that will change tonight! ^^')

I just like helping other writers to be honest. I can't read someone's story once and never come back to it again, because I like to keep up with it and see where it gets better or worse. Plus I do genuinely have an interest in the storylines and plots that I read. And you know... I'm bossy and like to speak my opinion so this is an excellent way to do that and get away with it. ;D

I've had this on my list of things to read on this site for a while, and now I'm finally going to start reading it. ^-^ Quick question though, if I wanted to start reading this series, would I read this one first or.. I saw a 'prequel' one. Do I start there? @-@ 

Anyway here's my two cents on the first chapter~

The beginning is good for the most part. It's a bit slow but I guess day-to-day life is like that. The opening paragraph itself is was a great way to nab a readers attention, especially one's who take a shining to fantasy. I think it was also a good portrayal of just what it was that interests the main character.

For some reason when I was reading through I picked up a Wizard of Oz kind of feel. Like the beginning, where the main character is going through his daily routine that would all be in black and white. And as soon as he goes into his dream world everything floods in color. "Well, Toto.. looks like we're not in Kansas anymore.." 

Anyway, it was bit slow at parts but it picked up pretty quickly. By the end of the chapter I wanted to read more. And I will, as soon as I finish the rounds of reviewing other books ^-^  

Hello!
Thank you for taking the time for reviewing!
To answer your first question, I would read this novel first and then head towards the prequel, or the sequel that is being planned by my lovely co-author (due sometime soon) - think of it like 'Lord of The Rings' and 'The Hobbit' as I'm trying to make both stories separate from each other yet set in the same world. The prequel is set almost a thousand years previous so it will have no real connection to any of the characters in this novel. 

Relating to your review itself, I deliberately made this chapter slightly mundane to reflect Dylan's boredom with everyday life - hopefully in the later chapters it will speed up much more quickly as the adventure kicks off. I was actually glad you mentioned 'The Wizard of Oz'. I didn't spot the similarities until now but now that I had I can definitely see the resemblance. 

Take your time with reviewing by the way, I can appreciate that this is not the only story within this entire website xD Thank you again for your review!

In the fourth paragraph, it's remarked "More misery resulted" and this just seems like a really awkward sentence. Could use "I felt sorrow" or something similar that would denote it is how the character is feeling at least. (Something more personal I suppose?)

The sixth (maybe) paragraph, "inside its allocated shelf" seems odd. Could replace with "returned to it's rightful place" or a similar phrase. Librarian isn't a name (and is only really a job title) so you don't need to capitalize it. "chorus of pedestrians" is another awkward phrase, and you seem to be a fan of searching for words that are either out of place or just "unique" (a word or phrase that someone wouldn't normally use). This is common in "amateur" (for lack of a better word) writers as they like the words they might normally use are too normal or plain. This is a fallacy, as readers might not be able to identify with the writing properly if every second phrase they see is unusual and out of place. That's only my opinion though, I don't want to transform your story into my own :p "Everyone kept to their social classes," is a misleading phrase for our main character to use, as a "social class" is generally a large group of people, such as lower class middle class etc. which would make the landscape a bit less "barren" for our MC. Different word choice here, I'd suggest.

I'm going to leave this comment as is, on this note, as I'm getting a little nitpicky. I will continue reading the chapter, and I think the story is very good so far, but I'd suggest wandering through a little more (or I will myself at a later time) to try and catch more of these "unusual" phrases :)