David Boyce | SparkaTale

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  • Last login 11/15/17
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David Boyce's Bio

I am currently taking a much-needed break from writing. Though I don't know for how long, I will go back to working on my stories and critiquing when I feel like I'm ready :)

-

Actualmente estoy tomando un descanso de escribir. No sé cuánto durará, pero regresaré a escribir Control Z cuando me sienta listo :)

 

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2 0 5 162
Control Z

4 0 40 2619
Giving Grace

2 0 28 1934
Welcome to Aodel

5 1 158 6744
Hunting Amaatlik
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Comments
  • Soggy French Fries

    i r8 8/8 m8 would read ag8n

    Commented on: February 21, 2017

  • Soggy French Fries

    Omg a sequel to muffin strangers? Hahahaha.

    Wasn't sure to whether to make this a chapter comment or a book comment since there's only one chapter so I'll leave a book review as well.

    First off: the first sentence has an adverb. Instead of saying "raining lightly" you could say "drizzling" or "showering" or something, and add some more words to make the sentence more interesting. I do like your use of onomatopoeia though.

    "a couple was wearing matching sweatshirts" You described the other sweatshirts, so why not describe what the couple's looked like?

    "Felt" is another one of those words you should avoid in writing (though I admit to using it a lot as well). Show don't tell :P

    "the Edith Stein"

    "I couldn't be bothered to learn . . . so I thought about the owner of the hoodie I was wearing." Maybe it's just me, but I thought this could use a better transition between talking about the class and talking about the hoodie.

    That next two paragraphs are beautiful though :,) But maybe replace the word "while" with "and".

    Ok in general the writing really gets better after the beginning wow

    "the theater geek that claimed" *who

    "Valentine's day. February 14th. The day people . . ." We know what Valentine's Day is lol. Also it should be in present tense.

    "My imagining or our reunion . . ." I'd take out the word "seeing" maybe replace it with "of".

    "We would share . . ." Remove the word "on".

    "But that was just . . ." Getting rid of that first sentence would give a more abrupt feeling, but it's up to you.

    With the sentence where you talk about Adam, replace "here" with "there".

    And...wait, that's it????? Well, I guess that ending was sufficient haha. The thing as a whole was well organized chronologically, and though the first two paragraphs were kinda eh (imo) the rest was great.

    I like how the character isn't perfect. She has her flaws and seems immature, but notices said flaws at the end and then becomes more mature. Somewhat. The little details too, like "Ebay-bought, 'vintage' briefcases" were really nice.

    Is there going to be another sequel? I have to know what happens next haha. Not that a sequel is needed, but the emotion in this chapter was well conveyed, to the point of being almost poetic at some points, so it would be interesting to hear more from this character. (I believe her name's Ellie?)

    Commented on: February 21, 2017

  • Chris Ramirez: Teenage Crazy

    Oops. My comment for this chapter never got sent. Sorry, I should have checked xD The chapter was just as great as the other ones. Of course it still isn't too plot-driven and relies mainly on relatability, but I found the integration of Jason's little sister very relatable. The humor isn't bad either. I've never thought about producers that way haha.

    I'm assuming these are typos but just in case:

    [...going as far as giving their children an entire wing of their house dedicated to hone their acting, singing and dancing skills...] 

    [I wonder if the dude produces really successful porn.] [Hopefully, I don't get breast cancer.] These should either be in italics or changed to the past tense.

    [There was even this one time when she worked together with Henry Christian and took my phone and threatened to get him to send mom the flirty text messages I sent to a girl I met at Starbucks if I didn't bring the both of them of them to see the local play of the The Phantom of The Opera.] This sentence's length made it a bit hard to read. I would split it up, maybe using commas. Also the second "the" should be lowercase. "The Phantom of the Opera" and If I Stay should be written like this

    [...the ruby red-lipped baby Alive...]

    [I picked up Erin's pillows incase the little snot...]

    If you want to advance the story with a more conventional plot (I don't know where you want to go) I feel like this would be a good spot for major conflict, mystery, and/or some strategic thinking on the characters' part, something to keep up the interest of readers who can't relate and don't ship. This may be a stylistic difference though, I'm sure you know what you're doing :)

    I don't think the part with the Gayle Forman books needs to be rewritten. I mean, yeah, it is kinda sexist because "gay" is in her name and Chris was making fun of him for reading it, Unless you're trying to hint that Jason really is homosexual, and that's why he hasn't asked her out yet. After the scene at the end and previous ones you'd think he would. But I don't think that part was poorly written, unless you fixed it already.

    Erin's pretty dumb for running away like that hahaha. That was... unexpected. Makes you wonder if she'll think they tricked her and try to get back at them. The last sentence makes you think too, what with her aunt's promotion celebration. The way you left it there makes it seem like something important is going to happen.

    Lastly, I like how you specify and use comparisons to paint a vivid picture, from the "Dorothy-ish" dress that was "probably the best one out of the entire lot" to the "cheeky 'Teehee' facial expression from White Chicks." But you balanced it out with less direct details like Jason taking ballet lessons and Chris's underwear.

    Hopefully that's everything from my original comment, I can't think of anything else to say. Let me know if you have any questions.

    Commented on: June 15, 2015

  • Control Z

    That definitely makes sense now, thanks. I've never written with a real-world setting before.

    Anatomy is probably a better language to learn, since science is part of the STEM (high-paying) careers. I'm not sure if they'll outlaw abortion. On the other side a lot of Americans are becoming Atheist, so maybe not.

    Commented on: May 22, 2015

  • Control Z

    Thanks for the comment! Honestly I never thought about how England would react, so thanks for the idea. I'm not sure how I'll integrate the exposition into the rest of the story and any suggestions would be appreciated, but I'll certainly get that done.

    Sorry about all those errors. I'll also try to keep better track of my documents and not be lazy. It was written in Spanish first, then English, then back to Spanish, then to English again, so... yeah. I used the comma in "19,613,761 km², 2,515,519 km² more than Russia" because in Spanish they use periods so it didn't look weird. Putting in a dash would make it look like a minus sign, so I was thinking of using the word "or."

    I don't know much about American law either. I think it depends on the state, and I automatically assumed that it'll be outlawed in the near future. Both houses have a Republican majority, and the next president will likely be Republican. Sorry about all the confusion :P

    http://www.myonlinemaps.com/nevada.php Do you think I should say where Nevada is?

    I haven't seen Red Rising, so thanks for the warning. It's always funny when people think learning a language and speaking it are the same thing :) The other day one of my friends was like, "What? So you don't speak seven languages??" I'll make sure to clarify that as well, at some point.

    Thanks again for reading, and I hope you have a great rest of your day.

    Commented on: May 21, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    It was a well written and exciting chapter, wasn't it? I totally agree with you man. Really proud. I'm thinking of printing it and hanging it up on my wall, so I can show my future grandkids. It could be a sort of heirloom or something. Then they could be as proud of me as I am of myself. 

    In all seriousness, many thanks for the comment, and I'm glad the chapter was okay. I thought you'd like the chair scene :P He needed to snap out of it somehow, so yeah. Each clan is supposed to be loosely based off of a human fault, the Feuig clan being about alcoholism and the Kaipra clan domestic abuse (I think). The humans represent xenophobia.

    You're right, the monsters wouldn't have strippers since they don't wear clothes to begin with, unless they take their fur off. That's why I made Kozel read those books in the beginning, to give him some leeway on these things. It's also supposed to make you wonder what else he's read about... 

    No, that comment was neither confusing nor repetitive! If you're willing to read Control Z in such an early stage I would appreciate it, but I don't mind waiting. It's actually the Take Two of Storimhaib I promised. Though it's a different story they both have the common theme of acceptance, take place in the future, are sci-fi/fantasy/adventure, the characters share similar personalities (one of them being a female dictator who is ironically a protagonist), and they both have a Spanish version :{D 

    Commented on: May 14, 2015

  • Zjjan Master

    Hi, I apologize for not doing much lately. I'm having a hard time understanding. I'd be happy to analyze the humor, but did you still want me to look for typos? Also, what kind of humor are you talking about?

    Commented on: May 10, 2015

  • Zjjan Master

    Hello. Before writing this review I would like to apologize if I say something you already know, or seem judging. Most of it is understandable, but would still be said differently by a native speaker. (I will be a bit picky at some parts.) I would be happy to leave comments on the story itself as well. Let me know if you have any questions.


    Description

    First, the description is harder to understand than the rest of the story, and I'm not sure what it says. Make sure to have the subject (who/what is doing something) and object (who/what the subject is doing it to/for/with,etc.) in every sentence. In many other languages word order isn't that important, but in English you'll have to be careful. Also, be clear in whether a word is a verb, noun, adjective, etc. to make it clearer, and write all verbs in the past or present tense (he did/he does).

    Chapter 1: Concepts (Origin of the Title)

    [Zjjan Master: Zjjan(za’(h)an) derived from the word sun.] I would put sun in quotes (...from the word "sun.").

    [Meaning life shine brightly to them, and it’s the name of their world. The Master is species ruling their world.] -> It's the name of their world, because life shines brightly on them like the sun. The Masters are the species ruling them.  | When possible try not to say something twice, like "their world."

    Chapter 1: Concepts (Concepts)

    [Why everything does exist? Superiors are really deserved to live? Or it’s only natural, devouring other creatures for food or fighting each other in order to live?] -> Why does anything exist? Do those who abuse their power really deserve to live, or is devouring other creatures for food or fighting each other in order to live natural? | Going back to word order, questions almost always start with an auxiliary verb (one that can't be used by itself but changes the meaning of another verb) in this case does, do, and is. Abusing your power means you're too powerful, in case you didn't know.

    [If two flesh-eaters with emotion left alive what will happen in times of starvation? Can knowledge give satisfying answer to this many question? What if senses intervene and contradict to the assumed conclusion?] -> "were left alive", "what would happen", "a satisfying answer to this question?" "intervened and contradicted it? | "it" being the answer. 

    [Does justice do suffice to maintain the current flow of life? Or it’s going to be another hindrance giving its unfair and discriminatory law.] -> take out the word "do", "Or is it", "...law?"

    [Who is really deserve to rule and to determines the equality of authority on each living things to live?] -> "Who really deserves to have control over the lives of others? | Nouns that go after "each" are always singular, so if you keep this it would be "each living thing." 

    [This, and those other many questions that are not written inside this concept, maybe or should be, and I hope that it can be express inside to this story.] -> "may be", "be expressed"

     

    Overall, I think that if you had waited maybe an hour then read what you had wrote, you would have found a lot of these mistakes. You do have great spelling and vocabulary though, and I like the way you organized this page to share your ideas and make us want to read more. 

    I hope you have found this comment to be useful. Again, let me know if you have questions or if I can help you more. With my schedule right now I hope to comment on one or two chapters every day from now on.

    Commented on: May 8, 2015

  • Cursed

    Secretly a Kiwi? xD 

    To be honest, personally, the chapter size doesn't make much of a difference. Though I usually have trouble reading large chapters like this one it was just as easy to get through as the other ones. It does feel like you're building up tension though, the way each chapter is longer than the previous one.

    Sam is not likeable and shouldn't be. I hope she dies or something...

    Just kidding. No, it's nice to have a characters like Sam and her dad who are "good guys" but hard to like or do what the reader doesn't want them to do. That's life, you know? She's a great character and makes the story even more three-dimensional. 

    Commented on: May 4, 2015

  • Cursed

    “No matter how mad she is and how many people she has to kill to do it, she wouldn’t leave us alone in here.” -That's Sam for you! :P

    I really enjoyed the way the characters interacted in this chapter, mainly in the second half. The personalities of the characters matched well with their actions, but what they did wasn't expected. Especially when Carey was digging through 805's cabinets. That was like, what? xD I wonder what was in the cupboard...And in his flask. He said in Gifted that it was just water, but from its color it's either apple juice or alcohol. Or he's a demigod and was drinking nectar.

    [Her arm twitched a few times, like she was fighting the urge to punch him.] I think the last part was unneeded, and that part would be more dramatic without it.

    [There were some differences between them, such as their skin tones, gender and age, but even so it was difficult to deny they were closely related.] This is really picky, but would these features make it harder to see they're related anyway?

    [“Um…” 256 began, trying to ignore Carey as shook her head vigorously at him.]

    [Samantha said nothing, clenching her fists in a way that made 256 unsure if she was angry at him for getting it wrong or right.

    [“We need to show us where the library is,” she declared.] *you

    [And there’s people like you that care about him on the other side.”]

    When describing the golden knobs, you can just say "knobs" instead of "golden knobs" every time, to be less repetitive.

    [The water stopped flowing and he carried the now full pot back to the fire.]
    [and as if to demonstrate he picked up the plate and pushed all the ingredients into the pot of now boiling water.]

    [In one swift movement she pulled 805’s quilt of his bed]

    But like I said, you did a really good job with the character development in this chapter. The differences between Carey and 256 were well conveyed in the end, and when she was holding his hand instead of trying to stop Sam and 805 from arguing. She seems like a "che sarà, sarà" kind of person, more in the present than 256. But she still admires 256's outlook on life and, as revealed in Chapter 13, blames herself for not being more like him. But then 256 feels the same way about her. I've got the feeling that what they do and how will change in the future due to the influence they sort of have on each other.

    It's still funny how awkward they are (in a relatable way). It makes the story a lot more realistic. I'm glad he didn't get in the bed with her, because there's too many sex scenes in this story- one too many. I mean, the word sex rhymes with "six" and has three letters. 6×3=666. ILLUMINATI CONFIRMED. Why are there so many illuminati references in this story??

    Anyway, though I've been focused on Carey and her little boyfriend 805's a cool character too. He's just as complex as he's always been if not more. He really makes you think and his actions are reasonable but unpredictable. It was really funny when he created so much tension when 256 was watching him cook xD

    I wonder how they're going to get him to join them, if at all. Also Hahana's and Maui's reactions when they found out that he won't be going with them to their home country. I almost feel sorry for them, since it's as if the others were just using them for information. 256  seems to be the only one who really thinks about their side of the deal.

    Commented on: May 3, 2015

  • The Princes and the Dragon

    Oh, so we're with the hope of meeting someone precious, eh? It feels like the secrets behind the storyteller/traveler part of the story are right under our noses but it's still so mysterious. But the old lady also seems sort of philosophical, the way she was talking about who gods go to when they need someone to guide them. In addition to exposing one of Dracaena's weaknesses it makes you think about real life, with gods representing parents and humans/elves representing children. That storyteller's pretty wise, isn't she? 

    One thing I noticed, I don't know if this is archaic, but the word "god[s]" is capitalized throughout the chapter.

    [They descended steps of shining marble towards three thrones placed regally upon a stage. Behind the thrones was a hall, guarded by two large statues of dragons with rubies as eyes. It had been carved into the wall of the temple, beckoning Dracaena with its mystery. She felt the Atarah could wait for her council then, just so she could sate her curiosity. Just what was beyond the thrones?] What about the dragons and the hall intrigued her? Was it the elven magic shown at the end? She wasn't impressed with the rest of the temple, thinking of how it was "nothing but stone". (That 's definitely something she would say though hahaha.) 

    [Though the face he showed Dracaena was anything but.]

    ['We could be of use to each other, dragon,' came Jimena's voice as she walked passed.

    I feel really bad pointing out typos since the rest of the story is so beautifully written. Not only does it sound authentic and old-fashioned but sill easy to read, but the way the storyteller talks ("But, oh!" xD) really brings life to the story. 

    Yet the true charm in this chapter, and the story as a whole, is the way there seems to be a bigger meaning to the plot as hinted at by the storyteller, like the gods thing. This makes connecting with the characters (especially the traveler) easier because we're also learning the lesson. It's deep, man.

    I found that final wording, the way she said that fear is a privilege, quite interesting. It must be some statement about how no one is perfect, and even if someone seems to be better than everybody else it's still worse because they don't know their own weaknesses. I look forward to learning more about Dracaena in the future, and how Babette managed/was willing to capture her. 

    It's also interesting that the old lady compared the traveler to Dracaena in saying, "there is a glow to you as well." Hmmm, are the two related somehow? Is the traveler female? I suppose they could live in two entirely different universes and they're relation could be indirect, or maybe it'll be revealed near the end. Either way I can't wait to see how it's all connected.

    In the mean time, it's a bit sad that Dracaena's being in human form - and sleeping for all those years - is making her mind lame. It's hard to tell who she really is, I guess. We got glimpses of a motherly figure in this chapter. Hopefully she was that kind of person the whole time and only seems bitter because of the dragons' and elves' (because we now know they hated her too) betrayal and imprisonment. The Atarah (who is unnamed as of yet, hmm) is of mixed portrayal as well, since he seems cruel but only because there's bad blood between them and he obviously loves his wife dearly. All the characters have this multi-dimensionality to them that makes them hard to figure out, but all the more intriguing. One can only guess what they'll get themselves into next. 

    Hopefully you have found this comment helpful :) Please feel free to let me know if you have questions or if there is something I can clarify on.

    Commented on: April 10, 2015

  • Cursed

    Janelle is starting to respect Caleb because he lost a child as well? Huh. I wonder if there's going to be some sort of Calelle/Janeb shipping going on here when she gets over Reagan xD Who knows, he might be trying to get Janelle to take her place back as leader of all their rebels, since he was asking her to be a deputy. I mean, he and his people are starting to seem like they aren't so bad after all. They're at an inn but everybody's drinking water so they must have self control. I'll still be keeping my eye on him though.

    The emotions in this chapter were as great as usual, but I feel like they could be even better with more solid transitions. For example: [What am I thinking? Of course she’ll be angry. This isn’t just my rebel group, and yet I threw it away. She’ll be furious. She went all the way to the Council even though it scared her, and I gave up so easily. But I can’t change it now. I made my choice and I have to live it.] This may be just the way I read it, but it's harder to believe her. Also this dialogue: [Janelle raised her eyebrows in surprise. “How did your parents meet then? Sorry, I shouldn’t ask that.”] and here: [This place is… It’s not happy. I was never truly happy here, even when I had 440 and 913. ¶ Still, there were moments when he missed his old life. Watching them all there in the dining hall, together… Sometimes he missed that feeling of unity.] However I really liked the transition at the end of Janelle's half, when she went from thinking about Caleb to thinking about herself, which in turn all neatly tied in to her inner dialogue at the beginning.

    [Wesley mumbled under his breath, looked away again. Janelle could tell he was dying to know more, but he resisted until Thomas left about ten minutes later to visit their rebel group after failing to persuade Janelle to join him.] What were they talking about in those ten minutes? Was Tom trying to convince her the whole time, with Wesley sitting doing nothing? :P

    [“Okay,” Janelle said as she strode off to talk to the next group. Caleb stepped forward, clearing his throat.] Excuse my ignorance, but I thought Janelle was the one striding off xD

    Where they still invisible in the garden? Sorry if this is a silly question; I was just confused since though Carey still had her hands on theirs Sam was getting mad at 256 for peeking over the bush.

    [The walls were a startling white, matching the couch they sat on and the wood the desk in front of them.]

    That ending though! That was definitely the best part. 805's gonna have to make a really hard decision to make, just like the other characters (all the decisions made in this story is one of the things that makes it so riveting) and 256 preparing to talk to him was very well-written. I honestly had no idea what to expect. Also, was it supposed to be a little amusing, especially with the last line? If not I feel bad for laughing haha. I probably shouldn't because there might be some tension between Sam and her dad. Hopefully they can control their emotions.

    It was nice to get some more information here, like the intra-village trading, Caleb's scars, and the Gifted exams, to keep it fresh. The way you forced us to sympathize with Caleb was just...ugh. It certainly made things more complicated :P

    I doubt 805 would be willing to leave, even though he told 256 it's not worth it to stay. I assume he might make them some diamond objects though. It'll be interesting to see the effect will be of him and Sam being together locked in the same room.

    Jan still hasn't recognized Wesley! That probably doesn't make much of a difference though, now that I think about it. What matters is that she has more or less come to terms with her having stepped down as rebel leader. It looks like she'll do the same with Reagan, eventually. That dream was really sad - having placed it at the very beginning made it easy to feel the realism - but she seems to be getting better and is content with talking with Wesley and Thomas. I'm so happy for her! :P

    Those were some pretty cliff-hangery endings. I can't wait to see how the plot evolves further, since they've finally found 805 and the rebels are leaving the inn. It'll be interesting to see what Caleb's base is like. Somehow I doubt it's a brothel :P Hopefully you have found this comment helpful, and as always let me know if you have any questions.

    Commented on: April 9, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    If you tilt your screen or look at it from a different angle it changes color, haha.

    Kozel is acting differently. I'll find a way to make that transition smoother, but I thought it would be realistic because of what Adriana told him. Also he would try impress his friends because of his loneliness at the beginning of the story.

    But yeah, Adriana did put him at ease at the beginning and Wendy and Kozel are becoming distant now. The things Adriana told them were supposed to change their behavior a bit, like how Kozel might not really like her.

    I'm glad that the ending was okay. I was worried about ending the romance so quickly but didn't want it to dominate the whole story since I usually like to write mixed-genre. It will come back later, though :P

    One of Adriana's biggest secrets is her and the goat's identities (and why it was playing catch). It will all be revealed later on. As for whether Kozel's coming with them, well, 

    Thanks for the comment, and I'm glad you liked the chapter! I look forward to hearing more from you!

    Commented on: March 29, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    Yeah, what she told him was metaphorical but she also meant it literally, I guess :P Thanks for your advice, I'll leave it the way it is then.    

    Commented on: March 28, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    Whew, what a relief. I thought people would hate this chapter because the romancish stuff is being set aside. I swear, this story seems to have a mind of its own!

    I do have a few questions. Do you think I should change the cover and description, knowing it's not going to be that kind of story? I feel like I'm deceiving readers hahaha.

    Also, should I change the dialogue? I'm glad I put it there, but at times it seemed (to me) a bit rushed and unrealistic.What do you think of it, including what Adriana told Kozel?

    Yup, pretty people are all witches xD Hmmm, if the hunters had a pet goat, would you like them too?

    Anyway thanks for reading and commenting! I'm glad you liked the chapter and hope that the others will continue to meet your satisfaction.

    Commented on: March 28, 2015

  • Cursed

    I don't think there was anything wrong with the title, hahaha. It definitely piques the reader's interest though, making us wonder who's stalking and who's talking. Of if it's like a Christmas stalking and they're talking about it.

    You don't know what a pendejo is, do you? If not it just made what you said all the better xD Well thanks for your advice, I'll try not to discriminate. 

    Commented on: March 26, 2015

  • Cursed

    You've gotta be kidding me! What if she never sees Wesley again?? If Carey had stayed instead of going on the mission with Sam and 256...xD I knew it was Wesley as soon as you described him, but the way you kept his identity unsaid for a while made it more suspenseful. I really liked Jan's conversations with him and Thomas. The way Thomas made her talk to someone was, um, endearing (?) sure endearing and the awkwardness of her talking to Wesley made what they said all the more realistic and relatable.

    The way Carey and Co. were completely surrounded by Gifted made their part really suspenseful as well, not just because of 256 but because of the fact that they were visible and others were watching them. Also because wearing a Servant's outfit wouldn't change the fact that the Gifted could still sense Carey's and 256's Gifts. They're going to get caught soon, I just know it :P

    [256 looked away from her sat down, staring at the floor just like Samantha was.] "and"

    [although there was a couple of Fire Gifted among the group.]

    [A woman with shoulder length, wavy blonde hair sat opposite.]

    [She shrugged, sliding of her chair and edging away from him.]

    The details in this chapter were just as great as in the other ones, especially when it involves a character's reaction like Carey thinking about how the food wasn't fancy but better than the cheap grainy foods her family ate, and the way the Gifts of Earth were happy that one of their kind got into the Council.  It was also cool how you implied that it had been raining when Thomas was wet and cold, without having to say so (though you did to be clear). With these details you focus on one thing at a time with smooth transitions, making them all the better. 

    Another thing I admire is the little imperfections which also make the story more realistic, not to mention more interesting and the reader may, in a way, feel better about him- or herself :P From Wesley's dirty rag (and the dramatic irony of that scene overall) to what Carey and Sam thought/said: "Should I hug her?" / “I – I’m trying to say nice things, but horrible things keep coming out instead.” These last two examples also allow us to see deeper into the characters and understand that they actually care about each other. Awwww :P

    One of his deputies, eh? I think not, Marina. They seemed a bit too cuddly for my liking. Caleb shouldn't be focused on romantic interests when in charge of a rebellion. Yeah, Janelle can get away with it but he can't because he's a pendejo. But that bartender, what was he thinking? It makes me wonder if he's going to do something  bad. The way he excused Janelle though xD Your humor is the same as it has been: enjoyable but it's more indirect, not the kind where we feel forced to laugh at it, which I find to be quite refreshing even if- no, especially if it is a little silly a times. 

    So the other world people/aliens are supplying the rebels, eh? I wonder if Hahana and Maui know about this. My guess is that they don't since they were all proud about visiting the Gifted island to earn the respect of their king. But it didn't say that they are from the same country as the ones who had dealings with the rebels, right? There could be some sort of World War or something if too many people get involved. That would be interesting. Then the Gifted might become good guys.

     

    Sorry if I missed something. As always let me know if you have any questions.

    Commented on: March 26, 2015

  • The Princes and the Dragon

    Hmmm, after finding out how powerful these elves (or Elves) really are, it makes me wonder how the humans have lived for so long in a world populated by much stronger species. The old lady must not have been exaggerating when she said that what the humans lack in strength, they make up in will. They also seem more friendly (since the sympathized with the Elven woman), possibly allowing them to make more allies than enemies. Though the Elves seem somewhat as friendly, their leader could have been tricking them and then again, they're willingly sacrificing a baby to the Dragons. I wonder if the humans do have some sort of power, since the Elf said that they were powerless when in the Elven Realm.

    I was also wondering, is there a general lack of communication between the Dragons and the Elves? The one they met mentioned that the dragons didn't ask anything of them, but Dracaena knows stuff about them and I assume the Dragons give them at least some of their powers, since their weapons had fire magic in them. It was great to get some interesting and thought-provoking information while still not feeling overloaded.

    The ending of the first paragraph was quite surprising and made me think twice about the humans' probability of surviving, as well as backing up the question of how they will do so. To bring the paragraph to its full potential I would recommend making the first few sentences more attention-getting; maybe move the fourth sentence (None can blame...) to in front of the first one, if you like how that looks :)

    [She tripped and stumbled- just barely missing the point of the Princes blades.]

    There are some sentences with a comma instead of a period or vice versa, such as: [In her arms was a babe wrapped up tightly in a bundle of blankets, she cradled it close to her chest protectively.] I don't know if this was your intent - it certainly helps the authenticity - but thought I'd tell you just in case.

    [A clear reminder to Jarin of what she truly was- an enemy who he allied himself with.] You probably know this already, but the dash should be a colon : and "who" should be "whom" because it corresponds to the stress pronoun him/her.

    [And with a squeeze of Merek and Thea's hand,]

    [They could not understand her words but they could clearly read he actions.]

    ['Shut-up, Merek!' Jarin interjected.]

    [and so she sympathized slightly with the Jarin.] This part felt like a nature documentary for some reason :D

    [With a tiny hand it waved at her as she was marched along by her Elven jailers.] I believe this should be "with".

    [She missed how it quickly reeled back into its hidey-hole, as Dracaena walked passed.] "saddened when"?

    ['What you are hearing is the choir of the Berura,' he held up his hand, muttering a light incantation before opening his palm and revealing an orb of light. Thea, and the Princes gaped in wonder.] He opened his palm? That's a bit graphic! :) Maybe "unclenched his fist" or "opened his hand" unless people do say palm.

    The little details in this chapter, like Thea thinking how slaps hurt more when strangers inflict them and the rope being made of spider silk, did a good job of spicing up the story. But I really like your description of the setting in this chapter, including the impact it had on the characters (like making them forget their fears) as well as the impacts the characters had on each other in the end, thus fluidly tying together these elements of the story.

    That ending though! I definitely wasn't expecting Dracaena to abandon them like that, though it was in her character :( Even if she didn't have her powers, she was the backbone of their group, one of the main reasons they wanted to go on the adventure in the first place. It's hard to doubt that Merek and Thea look up to her. I don't think their separation will be permanent, though, because she is part of the title and has that connection with Jarin. Then the intriguing part is how they will be united.

    Hopefully if they don't reunite any time soon they won't be too unmotivated. Thea seems to be matured a little already. She ran forward and denied the Elves, and took interest in the forest with its mothmen and beautiful laments rather than be afraid. Well, the ending shows that she and Merek still have some room to grow but they're getting somewhere, right? 

    Commented on: March 25, 2015

  • Cursed

    "Wow." - Samantha, Chapter 21. Her reaction was really realistic. I would be surprised if I were here. But what I thought was surprising was how many Gifted there have been. Thinking about how there was one named 3349 and each name has been used about four times, either they've been around for a long time (don't remember if it's been mentioned) or many have died in the recent rebellions. Or both. I don't think it's because there's a lot of Gifted at the same time because it's a small island with smallish towns and plenty of forests. Also at one point it was mentioned that they spared 256 because they were starting to run out of members. Well, either way I feel like the Gifted are bound to collapse and that this won't be the climax. They do maintain order, so surely defeating them won't be the end, right? :P However anything can happen in your stories, so I look forward to seeing what happens next.

    [She reached down and unwound the bandages covering her hands, staring at the slightly pink, still scarred skin.] You spelled "She" wrong :)

    [I don’t want to think about just another thing that separates me further from my family. It makes me more like them instead.] Forgive my ignorance, but how does it make her more like them and why did her tone change? Or is she just trying to be optimistic?

    [Although she had been able to see the blue shape Reagan while he was invisible,]

    [It was a small office, with a desk and large piles of paper stacked on the surface and in the bookcase behind it.] There was a desk stacked on the small office and in the bookcase? Sorry, it's just a personal thing but this sentence seemed a bit weird to me.

    Eyes were mentioned 8 times and eyebrows 3 times. But looking at other stories I just realized how normal that is. Huh.

    It said that Carey had never seen 256's book before, but Thomas showed her in Chapter 17: Ideals and injuries. (Yes, I know the exact chapter because I'm such a fanboy xD) 

    I liked how fuzzy our view is of Carey's parents and what kind of people they are. It must be how Carey feels, if she thinks they would think of her differently. Sure, Caleb (ugh) said he didn't particularly love his kid anymore, but he never formed a connection with him like her parents did. It's sad how this is tearing everyone apart. It kind of reminds me of the American Civil War, but instead of slavery they're fighting over the abuse of Gifts. Maybe they'll form a new country with their own ruler and everything :P

    Though I don't mind the emotional parts from before it was great to have a more action-y and intense chapter. Normally 3,816 words would be a lot for one chapter but like the others it was easy to go through it all in one sitting. I really like the details, from the front gate looking scary to Carey scuffing her boots on the stone floor, and that awkward moment when Samantha found out that the Gifted's non-Gifted children are servants. 

    It's sad that 256 never found out the number of the town he was from. That's really why he wanted to go in the first place, right?. He must be too scared. At least he was able to be there without any problems. Hopefully this will have been a big step towards being completely comfortable with being a rebel.

    You did provide comic relief though so that's good. There were humorous undertones when they dressed up as ninjas (and never took off those clothes) and when that old lady cursed loudly. The latter isn't just funny 'cause she's old, but because the title of the story is Cursed. Hahaha, nice one. Also I pictured them to be inside Costco for some reason, when they were in the records room.

    It was surprising when 805 was revealed to have been added to the council. This seems like a stupid move on the Gifted's part since he had just failed a mission and isn't exactly one of the most loyal Gifted. Not to mention he's one of the Gifts of Earth. Unless he was just pretending to be that way and really befriended 256, and the others (near the end of the prequel) to spy on them. Maybe that's why he was chosen to watch 256 when they went on that mission to investigate and stop the rebellion, and why they didn't kill 256. Also, the dates on the folders they looked at in this chapter showed that most Gifted live half as long as him (he's about 40, right?) so he should be twice as experienced and thus well respected.

    So we're only on Chapter 21 but Gifted has twice that much so it looks like you aren't even half way. Heel ya! All the more we get to read! :D It's so exciting to think about all that will happen in the next half of the story. Honestly I can't wait. Actually, I can. I don't want this series to end xD

    Commented on: March 16, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    I was disappointed myself with the length. Unfortunately if I try to make it longer I wouldn't have a good place to stop until it's like 4,500 words. Adriana will be introduced in the next chapter though. As for how she was born, I'll leave that up to you, unless I decide to explain near the end.

    Did I really say bear feet?? Sorry. Should be goat feet.

    Dan's and Wendy's relationship is a bit complex. But yeah, they do sound like hippies. Hahaha. I included him partly to add another element to the story but also because love at first sight isn't always a good thing and Kozel should get to know Wendy first. He still has a chance though!

    Wendy sort of gets what's going on, but because Kozel was at that moment a human she couldn't understand him that well. Dan and Kozel pretended to loosen up so that they wouldn't upset Wendy ;)

    Fun fact: "kozel" means "goat" in Russian and "ven(y)era" means "Venus", as in the Roman goddess of love. This takes place during the Cold War (or at least that's open for reader theory).

    Commented on: March 15, 2015

  • The Princes and the Dragon

    This is like one of those crime shows where they investigate all the suspects and everything. At the end the old lady was spewing out all those questions rapid-fire, and I got the sense that she's a bit suspicious of us. (I'm going to pretend I'm the traveler because why not.) In a previous chapter she was talking about how we aren't as mysterious as we think, so maybe she lied but was trying to get us to tell her our secrets. There could be some police officers hiding until we confess that we did something wrong. At least I don't know why else we would be keeping our secret from a harmless old lady. Hmmmm.

    [The day had passed quickly as they traversed through the ever thickening woods.] "ever-thickening"

    [She treated it more of a burden- a liability than anything.

    [They settled in to their bedrolls, too frightened to start a fire, lest bandits were drawn to the flame.] I like your use of the word lest though! 

    [For the days she spent alone in the tower, she would spend her time scraping away skin on her back and her sides- only successful in drawing blood. She could not breathe in those times. She dared not.] Why didn't she breathe, and how?

    [Would they survive if they encountered a hungry bear, or a territorial buck? And if they encountered bandits, would they be so callous as to murder children?] I would use a difference word for "encounter" to vary the diction.

    [Thea believed her mother whole heartedly none the less.] "wholeheartedly"

    ['My mother once told me that Elves are scant of dress.' Thea regaled as they stepped over fallen logs. From up ahead Merek called back:

    'Your mum is stupid.' He had been listening to their conversation as Dracaena had gone silent. She grew tired of his prattling.

    'Shut-up, Merek.' Jarin called back as he noticed Thea's eyes began to well.] It seems unnecessary to talk about her being tired of him, since the lady doesn't talk about her until a couple lines after, and you can get rid of it anyway since it's implied :)

    I feel like there could it could flow more at the beginning in between the first and second paragraphs and at the part where he was dreaming, where it switched from Jarin's perspective to Dracaena's, and then back to Jarin, as well as the transition between his dream and the next morning. It was really nice to get some of her view on things and it makes sense since they're connected and all, just took a while for me to understand what was happening.

    But damn, the amount of vocabulary I learn just from reading your story! Your writing style is good enough to know that at least most of the errors are just typos. I totally feel like I'm actually being told a story by an authentic storyteller. It still has the important aspects of a normal story, as in the way the plot is laid out and it's impact on the reader.

    I was somewhat surprised when it turned out that Dracaena dislikes being connected to Jarin. She seemed to accept it in the last chapter, but that must have been a way of getting him to join them and use him as a puppet, as mentioned before. I really like how cold she is to them (I know, right?) because it leaves room for personal development. If she knew acceptance of others and of her downfalls she would seem too perfect.

    The characterization overall progressed with the chapter at the right pace. More of their personalities were revealed so that we can relate to them, but we weren't overloaded with information about them. For example, this chapter made me see Thea in a different way.

    Though she can seem like a weak and dependent character, we can already see a lot of potential for personal growth. She shows acceptance in playing with Dracaena and Merek, responsibility in telling him not to touch his face, and intelligence in reasoning that beasts can't be reasoned with but bandits can. Also, the way she gets sad instead of angry, as opposed to all the other characters, makes her seem like a girl of character, and the way she was regaling and all makes her seem funny too. She's my favorite character now.

    Oh yeah, one thing I noticed xD It's so cute (ugh I shouldn't be saying that word) how Merek apologizes to her by giving her little things, instead of just saying "sorry." I can totally see people shipping them. #therek 

    It's cool that although this is a fantasy story, realism is aplenty here. The way they were playing at the beginning and their dialog reminds us that they're still kids, just being chaperoned by a dragon goddess.

    Though I wonder if she will be able to protect them. She wants to be back in her human form for a reason, one can assume. (That was so sad, by the way, how she was scratching herself because she felt constricted in that form. That really does sound like something a dragon would do, and the appeal to pathos really made me lighten up to her a bit.) Anyway it seems that she's the only one without a weapon. They could be in trouble when the elves are introduced in the next chapter, unless whoever's coming is literally named Danger. What a cliff hanger! I can't wait for the next chapter! (Not to rush you, though.)

    Commented on: March 14, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    Thanks for your comment. Usually my writing can be rather vague so I'm glad you were able to understand it. I mean wow, your insight is spot on. I learned a few things about my characters just be reading what you said!

    I don't know how they would be able to pack so much. I guess Kozel's size helped, though it still seems strange, haha. I'll make sure to make them almost get killed when they escape, if that makes you happy ;D Was Kozel's image really cute? I wasn't sure about that part, being a guy xD 

    Her suspicions at the beginning were just her fears, actually. Some of the hunters were keeping an eye on Wendy because of things she'd done. Also what  made Kozel go back was mainly the injection, which makes him change form at different times, though the cold could have set it off.

    It's nice to know that Kozel's and Wendy's interactions are enjoyable. Yeah, you should be excited for Dan, he and Kozel are going to be best friends. It's going to be so cute! :P

    Commented on: March 11, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    Hahaha, Team Kozel. This story was (at least originally) supposed to satirize romance, which is why some aspects might seem awkward at times given a guy wrote it. At least I felt awkward xD But yeah, everybody thinks they're really cute together so I'm not sure what to do.

    I wouldn't say he's her boyfriend...well, you'll just have to find out later :P I like how you think he's a monster. It's always fun to hear reader theories!

    Sorry about all those silly errors. Bear feet... I'll try two improve mine inglish before righting a nother chapter :D Also thanks for the other things you mentioned, I'll straighten that out as soon as possible.

    I figured talking about that happened would be too much for her to handle or something, and it would ruin the moment. I'll make that clearer, unless I should make her tell him.

    About why they were nice to each other at the end, in addition to what you said Dan wanted to seem polite in front of Wendy. Kozel was just keeping with his outwardly optimistic tendencies; the reasons for which will be explained in the next chapter. 

    I do have one more question. Ahem, *takes out sheet of paper* Does this chapter feel too short? It was only about half the usual length, and I know what I would add to it if so, but their meeting with Adriana would make it like 4,000 words so I can't include that.

    Also, does this seem like an okay story description? 

    The year is 2035, and their nation only five years old but the strongest in the world. Thanks to a a hidden power kept secret from the rest of the country, President Behrend's potential seems limitless. However this power proves to be unreliable. Four youth set out to find out what happened to Behrend and who is responsible. Mixed Genre.

    Commented on: March 10, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    Thanks for your comment! I'm glad you liked it. It feels awkward writing romance but it's fun to get out of your comfort zone.

    I really didn't think about why he would know about hot chocolate xD It's funny how nobody pointed that out. I guess he read about it in a book, and having tea at Mrs. Sutherland's confirmed his suspicions.

    Thanks again for reading, and I hope the rest of the story meets your satisfaction as well.

    Commented on: March 8, 2015

  • Cursed

    Cazzo, now I can't read this story anymore. I just...I can't even. This is even sadder than The Killer :P I want to punch Janelle in the face for trusting that Caleb guy because gah, he's such a caleb! (That's a swear word now.) I think there's a fourth group of people other than Jazza and Co. and the Gifted, and the other worlders. That putain Caleb and his accomplices are among them and seek complete control of the island. That's why he tricked Janelle into thinking that she isn't good enough, and pretended that he left her directions to his place. So maybe he isn't evil or with the Gifted, but he could still try to prevent our young heroes from being the ones who overthrow the Gifted.

    [“We have about a two hundred rebels at the moment and our numbers are growing.]  

    [Did I make the right decision? I know I can’t be the leader anymore, but why do I feel so…

    She wiped the tears from her cheeks. I can’t change it now. I’ve made my decision, and… it’s for the best. I know that. The others, they’ll understand. Eventually.] I think this should be one whole paragraph.

    [“The rest of you, meet us in the backroom tomorrow morning,” said Caleb briskly, as though all forty of them still stood before him.] This is really picky, but he said "the rest of you" but as if the other half were still there?

    ["She sank to the floor, holding her head in her hands."] Ha! Your argument is invalid. We all know Janelle has two heads and one hand. Also, [Janelle sat down properly on the floor and wiped her eyes on his shirt, noting how it still smelt just like him.] "Smelt" means "to melt or fuse (ores) in order to separate the metallic constituents."

    [A few clothes spilled out of the small travel bag next to the wardrobe, while the shirt, pants, and underwear he was wearing the day before his death were still on the floor beside his bed.] *had been wearing

    [She opened her eyes slowly, blinking at the sunlight. It was shining through the window, high and bright.] Why would the sun be up high if Caleb said they were leaving "quite early"?

    [I can't believe I... Why am I being so cruel? He's only trying to help!] Personally that part would feel better without this line.

    [That’s a lie. I know why I trust him. He killed John, although I suppose that was probably a fake name. He must be on our side to have killed a Gifted like that. And John wasn’t just one of the Gifted – he was Reagan’s killer.] The words "killed" and "killer" made this part seem a bit repetitive.

    The phrase "in her heart" was used three times.

    However these are all minor errors, and Janelle's thoughts and emotions in this chapter were amazing, both realistic and original. I don't really want to punch her :P It's nice that we know why she feels the way she does, because she didn't want to leave Reagan and she trusted Caleb since he killed John. They also had a little it of variation from her previous thoughts in other chapters to keep it flowing and her conversation with Thomas was original too.

    I also liked your details, like with Janelle thinking about Caleb's face, and the rebels sitting both in chairs and on the table when they were waiting for Janelle to speak. Does looking up really help you hold back tears? Wow. I've learned so much by reading your stories xD

    Since Steven and possibly the others thought of Jaynelle as betraying them, I wonder if they're going to join the Gifted now to get revenge on her. If not, I wonder what else they do. It's cool because they could form their own group and save the main characters later, once we readers all forget about them. Or they could just be gone forever.

    It's interesting how Thomas asked Janelle if she was pregnant, and was like, "It will be hard without Reagan, but we can do something about that." Maybe he has a crush on Jaynelle, and was hoping to help raise Jaynelle's non-existent second child as a father. Haha, is Jaymas shipping a thing?

    Anyway, it was nice to see the atmosphere lift ever so slightly (again, after she talked to Thomas *cough*) when she smiled, and kept Reagan's shirt as a reminder of their undying love. Yeah, maybe coupling her with Thomas isn't a good idea xD It was, erm, cute how Reagan wrote her that note with a smiley face on it. It's always great to know their feelings for each other are true.

    It's funny, normally I wouldn't read a story with such emotion and romancey stuff in it. I applaud you for making me step out of my comfort zone :D

    Commented on: March 7, 2015

  • The Princes and the Dragon

    What, she hopes we choose to answer her questions when the time comes?? What does that mean? I love the mystery of this story. At times it's sort of like a dream, where you know what's going on but it doesn't make total sense, leaving much to reader speculation. Normally I would find such a story hard to read but the emotional atmosphere complements it perfectly. It's so simple but so complex, the way their feelings or change in feelings can be unexpected, like Merek being in love with Dracaena and Jarin liking her at the end of the chapter, but they always match the characters' personalities well. The way Jarin was grumpy even though he's the nice guy did a good job of showing that nobody here is perfect and they all have their imperfections.

    There was just one thing I didn't quite understand: Why was little Thea happy to spend time with Dracaena, even though she heard her screaming in the cave? Unless she is also in love, though I doubt that. Sorry if I misunderstood.

    [Of course some of the information written seemed complete rubbish to him; dragons taking the forms of pigs? None sense!] Did people talk like that in the olden days, instead of saying "nonsense"? If so I wouldn't be surprised.

    [For he too, had heard the unearthly cries of the girl from within the then sunken cavern.] 

    [Once, as Prince Jarin watched Thea and the Dragon-girl (who people began calling 'Dracaena'. A joke being spread around the castle for her claims of being a dragon-which she seemed fine with as she claimed no name of her own) sweep the courtyard clean, he noticed Dracaena stop and stare up at the sky.] I would find it less awkward if you said something like, "...the Dragon-girl, who people began calling..." without the parenthesis, and later write something along the lines of "They were sleeping the courtyard clean, but he noticed Dracaena stop..." 

    [He did seem a girl desperate for gossip he admitted.] What is meant by this phrase? Also, there should be a comma after "gossip." 

    [Merek hadn't woken him in the middle of the night in years, and last time he had was because he had soiled his bed due to a nightmare. He slept in Jarin's own that night because he was too ashamed to face the servants who had to clean it.] Unless it's just the way she talks, otherwise say "the last time," "he had slept," and "he had been too ashamed."

    ['Are we to travel? Shall I pack a lunch. I really should kiss my mummy good-bye, too!'] 

    [Alright, Merek. Where do you plan to travel?'] Who said this?

    ['Do not cause such an uproar, Jarin. Honestly, you haven't been acting yourself of late. And I know it's because of Dracaena. She is no monster, and I am keen to make you see that.' Merek explained walking away from the protection Jarin offered.] It was also hard to tell who said this.

    [Or have you only gotten half way.]  

    That lady keeps getting weirder and weirder (in a good way). But I think the most well developed and interesting character is Dracaena. Not only is she also mysterious but her emotions are realistic. Her personality is multi-faceted in the way she doesn't fully respect them, at least in thinking the humans are just "little things to be played with," but was polite and has a kinder side to her as well. I like the way she talks (well, all the dialogue is beautifully written but hers especially) and her conversation with Merek, about balancing his chatter.

    Part of me hopes she becomes more humanistic in the future, because of her thoughts about the other humans, and there seems to be hope because she's willing to bring the dragons under control, which would be beneficial to the humans. But it's for her own selfish reasons and I'm not sure if she'll betray them in the future. 

    The way everybody was like, "Is she really a dragon??" at the beginning threw me off, and I admire how well you wrote that part. At first I thought it was certain but now the storyteller has opened up so many possible theories when she said that the answer will only come at the end. So I think Dracaena and the storyteller are the same person, and if not a dragon then something like Jarin's non-traditional guardian angel, because of how their lives are connected. If dragons can just turn into humans willy nilly then surely they would have mixed with the real people to spy on them and... oh wait... Maybe there are spies among them. Well, I guess I'll have to wait to see what happens. Until then!     

    Commented on: March 5, 2015

  • The Killer

    *Gasp* It's all so very clear now! Olivia's the Killer! :D I bet those "gifts" were actually bombs, and she meant to blow up the rest of the family. I could literally feel the evilness radiating from her passive aggression, and Nate could too. He said she was pretty "in a much more unnatural way" so maybe she's not even human.

    [I breathe a sigh of relief and I stand up.] 

    [I grab Connor’s bag and carry him out to the car] Did Nate stuff Connor into a bag and use it to carry him?? Holy merda. 

    [But I think I the guests would have liked to see you there.]

    [“I’m running late,” I say, which will be true if I have to help her unload a car full of gifts.] It's already true that he's running late, so I would say "and I really would be late"

    [but she doesn’t burst into tears over a phone call like this.] This is really picky, but "wouldn't" or "would never" seem more appropriate given the context.

    [to you think] I hadn't thought about taking out the part with Nigel but yeah, as much as I like dramatic irony and how you wrote from his POV, the way this story is coming out now I think it would be a lot more powerful if readers don't know that Nate really is Lauren's murderer. I feel like doing so would make it more mystery-themed, while leaving Nigel's POV in would make it more of a horror story.

    You did a great job of details and elaboration in this chapter. It's the longest so far at about 2,710 words but no more happened than in the others due to its complexity.

    Hahaha, I liked the part when he mixed up Max's and Connor's breakfast. That and the fact that Max found his dad in the bathroom really added to the emotion of the chapter, making us feel uncomfortable in a way that we felt what Nate was feeling,

    The beginning and end were well written too. The beginning with "Dad!", Lauren microwaving pasta, and the world shaking was rather disorienting. I especially like the end though, when he got everybody's attention by dropping the phone and bringing our attention to Brandon.

    I wonder why he thinks Brandon is the one who killed Lauren, what he did to make him suspicious. Frances revealed that Nate isn't the only one who's wary of him but they all still think that Nate killed her. I know they don't know for sure, since she asked him where he was that night, but he's still frighteningly close to being caught. I can't wait to see the conversation between Brandon and Nate.

    It's sad to see Nate's development as Nigel starts to take control. One of them is accusing all these people, i.e. Olive and Brandon, making them seem suspicious, so there might be lost of trust in the future. It makes me think if he'll lose trust in himself too, when Nigel makes him have all these thoughts. Both he and Lauren had their inner demons, her doing something and "ruining" his dream (I wonder what that could be?) and him somehow assuming guilt for what she did but also admitting that he thought he was better than her.

    I noticed that the thoughts Nigel had about Lauren were at times more or less those that Nate had about himself. He thought Nate would be better off without Lauren, but Nate was thinking about how she would be more so then he was if he were the one who had died. Also Nigel said that Lauren thought she was better then him when really it was the other way around. I don't know if this is intentional or what it would mean, like maybe Lauren is actually a part of him (they're the same person) that he lost/disowned? That doesn't really make sense though, does it? xD   

    Commented on: February 28, 2015

  • Chris Ramirez: Teenage Crazy

    Wow, they'd make amazing parents. I can imagine Chris putting a real baby in his underwear drawer, or Jason letting it get kidnapped by a deranged girl. She was all mad at him for losing it, but forgot that she was just as bad and begged him to keep the baby in the last chapter. I wonder how this is all going to tie in to the major plotline and the rest of the story. It will be nice to see how they turn out by the end of the story: surely mature and well-developed young peeps, having learned a valuable life lesson or two.

    [I just didn’t know who, why, where and how.]

    [wherever cave it came from]

    [the next door classroom]

    [the boss’ mid-morning snack] This should be "boss's" because "boss" isn't plural. You probably know that though :)

    [theJason Perfection’ show]

    [I was going to be late for Math if he doesn’t hurry this shit up.]

    [True to his word, Jason took me to his seven bedroom, one attic, eight bathroom, house after class to look for the missing doll.] I would also get rid of that last comma, before "house"

    [even if I was lactose intolerant]

    [I would have gladly stinked up] *stunk

    [Plus the freaking glass container, sticker and the lid.]

    [which I at first envisioned was similar] I would replace this with "as"

    [the most tricked out attic]

    [blue and green-patterned pillows]

    [i-want-to-be-your-girlfriend-and-bear-your-babies thing]

    [the out of place door]

    Sometimes "butternut" used to replace "Jason" wasn't capitalized, and there are a few clauses in the present tense which I assume are thoughts to be italicized.

    There are a few things I found confusing (sorry, it's really late xD) such as where the dream took place, though I assume it was right before Nadine's party, and why Jason dived into the bushes.

    When did they leave, was that the end of school, or a really long study period sort of thing? Also, she mentioned being late for math class but the previous class made her fall asleep and the board had triangles so I thought that was math.

    Since when was Carrie's name Carrie? When Jason said he threw her in his room and then lost her I thought he was talking about his sister Erin. Really...

    When Chris said she could pinch his ass and then pinched his cheeks, it was unclear which cheeks she was talking about :P

    I think was the way she reacted to him, like "Hold up! I’m not a vampire. So why the fuck would I be worried about a wooden stake? Riiiiight, wooden stakes are fatal because stupid humans have soft, mushy skin that can be easily penetrated. I wish we evolved into something cooler! Like turtles, but faster!" xD You also had a bit of suspense at that part, which really stood out because of the general sillyness in the rest of the story. What was your favorite part to write?

    Through the whole story you've done an amazing job at stuffing so much humor into one chapter without making it look like you're trying too hard, plus it's original and refreshing, to say the least. I wish there were more stories like this one, easy-to-read feel-good stories that read almost like a sitcom. How do you come up with all these funny things for Chris to say? Do they just pop into your head, or do you write down some complicated algebraic formulas on one of those plexiglass boards to know exactly what will make us readers laugh?

    I like the flow of this chapter. Everything that happens seems random, which adds to the humor, but you don't let things get out of control and they all have a reasonable cause-and-effect sequence, from Jason losing the doll to them having to get ready for a tea party with Erin.

    The details were great too. You said "my old Tom Sawyer costume" instead of just "a costume" and a "decoden rainbow-colored phone in my hand for a Jedi-like sword." The attic room was described as big and we know some of the furniture and Erin's room as blindingly pink, but you still left the rest to our imagination. "Showing not telling" was quite admirable as well, from Chris and Jason shaking like Chihuahuas but for different reasons and her half-begging, half-seething at Erin.

    Unfortunately I can't show this story to my friends. They would be scandalized by all the swearing xD So I really hope someone gets a second comment in so you can post the next chapter. Can't wait to see what all the drama is about.

    Commented on: February 25, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    Haha. I totally get what you mean. Thanks for waiting!

    Those hunters are such lovely people, huh? :D In addition to Kozel wanting to keep his humanistic side, he also licked his shoulder because he knew it would catch the hunter by surprise.

    I like what you said about how his strength as a human showed though he still isn't one, despite looking like one. That's not what I had in mind when I wrote that part, but I'll just use that from now on. 

    I'm glad the emotions were okay. In all honesty I don't know how the transitions would be as smooth. My first stories were humor/drama, so maybe it's experience. Or I guess we accept the mood shift because Kozel isn't human, and would surely experience feelings differently.

    There will be more elaboration on why the humans and monsters are fighting later on, as well as what they'll do about not liking who they are. Also the reason for Kozel's optimism will (hopefully) be explained in the next chapter.

    Thanks again for your comment! Wow, you're so philosophical it must have taken you quite a while to write. I look forward to hearing more from you.

    Commented on: February 24, 2015

  • The Princes and the Dragon

    I'm starting to think that whoever visited the storyteller is one of the main characters, because of their focus on the dragons. However this chapter also revealed that the traveler is looking for someone dear to them (don't think that describes the dragons) and paid the lady to tell them the story (don't know how kids would be able to do that). The old lady knows a lot more about the traveler than we  readers do, so I assume she will reveal more through her side dialogue in later chapters. Well, either that or she's just crazy. Or both. She's such an intriguing character! :P

    In the second paragraph, this might just be me but I was confused when the storyteller started talking about Thea because she never mentioned her name itself so it looked like she was saying that the mother had enlisted the grandmother's help, and I didn't know who she was talking about in the next sentence.

    [She would not be able to handle it should anything terrible befall the royal children, which she considered friends] *whom

    [the Princes could had been]

    [The innocence of children are something to be nurtured, to be sure..]

    [an eight year old child]

    [He wished it was]

    ['Merek, come on!' He grabbed his brother] Same as with the second paragraph, you didn't mention Jarin's name so even though it's obvious he's what the lady meant by "he" but it could cause confusion.

    Did the dragon creator girl stop screaming? I think she did, because that would be awkward given they talked to each other and everything, but I didn't see it mentioned.

    Lastly, when the storyteller went off topic a few times throughout the chapter and then realized, I (personally) feel like there could be more of a transition to make her realization smoother. For example, between "Oh how you make me wonder, traveller.." and "Perhaps, I shall give you what you want instead." or "As for me, I am alone in this world, but I will always have my stories." and "Forgive me, I have digressed once more." It's just my opinion though, and I don't know if that was intentional.

    I really liked the development of the characters in this chapter. Their fear has already hardened them a little, though not dramatically. Thea (how do you pronounce her name?) risked punishment to save her friends-and as you mentioned considering them her friends, in itself, was brave of her - and the storyteller also said "her band of Knights" instead of "Sir Borin's band of knights" xD That was one of my favorite parts for some reason.

    I was surprised when Merek wanted to save the dragon girl and Jarin (the one with a big heart) didn't, but now I realize that's exactly what should happen. Merek just wanted to prove himself, as said at the end, and I'm pretty sure he didn't really know that the girl's the oldest dragon alive, nevertheless not human. Jarin hesitated because dragons are his "sworn enemy," but he saved her anyway. And it wasn't for recognition, but because his heart told him to. (I don't think Merek's that bad though, he just has room for development in different places.) All three of them were very courageous in this chapter, so I don't feel as bad for wanting them to go on some really dangerous quest even though they're just kids.

    I liked the little trickling in of information in this chapter through Sir Oliver and the elves. So we know now that the elves aren't evil (they'd just refused aid as opposed to trying to kill the humans) but would help the evil dragons if it comes to it. I'm hoping they would help our protagonists since the weird girl is like a dragon goddess thing and they worship dragons.

    If the rumors about Sir Oliver are true, especially if he's half elf or something, then the elves can't be too bad- that guy seems really nice to say the least. Maybe the dragons aren't bad either, and the humans are the bad guys, or this is all just a matter of there is no bad guy and they're all fighting to protect themselves. We don't know if the dragons had a reason to attack the castle. Given this possibility I'll try not to immediately look down on any of the characters introduced later on. I think that's what Jarin will do too.

    I can't wait to read the next chapter, because Sir Borin and the dragon girl are right there, so close to each other. That's going to be fun to read :P Sorry it talk so long to comment. I've been really busy lately, and got confused as to who's turn it was. Let me know if you have any questions.

    Commented on: February 23, 2015

  • Cursed

    Hahaha. Sorry for any confusion :P 

    Looking back, Carey's been a major character in the last four chapters or so. I encourage you to focus on other characters if it's part of your plans though, because it's nice to get an impression of how the other characters see her. Carey was probably that person's favorite character.

    As such, I think it's okay if you take a break on Carey's development. Focusing on all your characters at once can overload the reader with too much information. She did have that little talk with Thomas in Chapter 17: Ideals and Injuries, about not being able to control everything in life. Thinking about it again might add a little to her development, if that's your intention.

    Your level of description is fine, though there is room for more. On one hand I feel you don't need to add to it since a lot of the story is psychological. However, if more description would help you achieve your purposes then you could describe, for example, the smell of all that smoke, or the eerie silence (sorry for sounding cliché xD) of the dead village. If I may use The Blood of Olympus as an example again, one of the things I noticed about that book is that he uses lots of similes and they seem to really add to the description of the story. 

    I hope this helped. If not I would be more than happy to explain my opinions in a different way. It feels strange answering your questions because you're such a great writer, but I'm here to help where possible :)

    Commented on: February 21, 2015

  • Cursed

    Oh Sam, look what you've done. Now Carey Bear is all grumpy too :P You know it's getting extreme when Carey thinks, or pretends to think, that Sam would kill them (well, she did ask 256 if he wanted to die xD). Maybe this is why Maui and Hahana were so happy to leave them. 256 is so calm about it though, like "I guess she has her reasons." At least someone's keeping their anger to themselves. That's one of the reasons he's my favorite character.

    Look at that cloud over there! I think it's a village! :) Odd time to be cloudwatching?

    The repetition of [valley before them] seemed a bit awkward to me. I would get rid of the second "before them."

    [as though it was]

    [hidden away inn]

    I was a bit confused, because I thought Carey was going to tell 256 that she had killed his best friend because of the last chapter. Sorry, guess that was just me :P I'm assuming that's what she wanted to talk about before leaving 256.

    ​Is 256's book waterproof? I don't remember if you mentioned the material used for the pages, but taking it out in the rain doesn't seem that logical. I assume the alley wasn't covered because he noticed that the rain had lessened. Also he never put the book away. Hopefully he didn't drop it...That would be bad :P

    [...through the village. This part of the village...]

    [nonGifted]

    [glancing nervously had Samantha]

    I liked the part near the beginning when you said, "since they said goodbye to Hahana and Maui the previous day." Though it was obvious that they couldn't go to the council, that threw me off for some reason (in an attention-getting way). 

    You details with 256 were also really good, such as him wincing as the rain hit him. I'd forgotten he doesn't like water. Also when he asked who/what had burned down the village, as if he were in denial of the Gifted's maliciousness. This also seems to be reflected in the way he sort of doesn't want to go back to his parents, even though such feelings are also due to what Caleb told him. I mean, he did put the book away after having that thought.

    However it was very clever of him to learn to read the word "village" and the numbers so he could find the records for where he came from. I hope he does find his parents, so he can see that they do love him. (You said Caleb doesn't really hate his son, so I have hope :P)

    It's really sickening that the Gifted would send a thirteen-year-old to help burn down a town of mostly innocent people, then abandoned her and their other their injured comrades. That doesn't really help their record. It seems to have made a mark on 256, maybe it'll make him be more certain about running away to his parents. It also affected the girl, it seems, since while she did want them to come back she was willing to hold his hand and shuddered when she described what happened. Maybe more of the Gifted will join the rebels if the council keeps being this oppressive.

    The way all those people came out of nowhere really added to the tension and action of the chapter. It definitely wasn't ruined by that battle scene, which was short but made use of every word and well written. 

    "...the boy’s ashes, which looked exactly the same as the girl’s before. In death there was no way of knowing they had come from such different worlds." Awwww. Yet another reason 256 is my favorite.

    I'm going to shut up now because I'm almost at 666 words xD Let me know if you have any questions.

    Commented on: February 21, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    Thanks for your comment! I just realized that there's too many guys in this story, the same problem I had with Hunting Amaatlik. To make up for it, a friend suggested that I make Kozel female (like Sadie) and he could have a "special" relationship with Wendy, and someone else told me to make one of the hunters a transgender. Anyway, I apologize for being sexist :P

    I'm glad the details and realism were okay. I actually re-read the chapter like seven times and fixed a lot of mistakes, so it's embarrassing that I said belly flap and didn't make Wendy think of her parents xD Thanks for pointing that out. 

    Haha, I like your Nemo analogy. It'll be interesting to hear your reactions to Kozel's and that guy's actions in the near future.  

    Commented on: February 19, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    Thank you for taking the time to comment even though you're busy. I really appreciate it :)

    Oh, the part with his fur stinging was satire. It's supposed to criticize the way people think fur has pain receptors xD In all honesty I didn't think of that, thanks for pointing it out! I'll fix the other things you mentioned as well.

    I figured Kozel would be able to keep his human mind because after eating and stuff he had a more sable mental state, and the pain from scratching himself would form a connection between his conscience and body.   

    I like how you made the connection between Kozel's wanting to be a human and Wendy's not liking humans. That's going to be important for the future xD

    Hmmm, I can't think of any questions. I'm just worried about the suddenness of the next chapter, particularly the beginning. Something about it seems unrealistic :P Please let me know next time you comment hahahaha.

    Commented on: February 15, 2015

  • The Princes and the Dragon

    Weeeeeell, that was unexpected. I couldn't stop laughing at the last part (Can you guess what she was, dear traveller? Yes, you know well. She was a dragon.) It sort of reminded me of Dora the Explorer for some reason xD Judging from the description on your profile, we can conclude that she's going to go on a quest with them because she's on their side. I wonder if Merek is going to think that he tamed her, given his personality. I can't wait to find out more about the dragon's background and how her relationships with the princes come to be. 

    [You're up I see, no, no, do not fret, traveller.]

    [he had somehow talked Merek in returning with him.] *talked Merek into?

    [They let out a yell, that echoed deep into the cavern.]

    [a fear inducing snarl.]

    I like how the way Jarin and Merek interact with each other was expanded upon, shown in a different way through Merek's teasing of Jarin but the older brother's use of a "silver tongue" to make a comeback and trick Merek, as well as Merek's purposely getting a better weapon that him. They're very...brotherly!

    Your details were great in this chapter. Not much happened, but it's all fitted into 1,825 words. The cave and the dragon girl were particularly descriptive, from the "hollow gazes of the skulls of the dead...haunted forever by whatever it was that had rendered them lifeless" to the way the girl "sat up with alarming speed. So fast were her movements that should they have blinked, they would have never seen her move! Nor heard her for that matter, for she was quite silent."  

    Another thing your chapter does well is maintain the balance of originality and realisticness. The way it's all written the way it would be said (by an old storyteller) is a really nice touch, and whenever I read about the two brothers I can't help thinking about how much they resemble my brother and I when we were that age :)

    So did the old lady put us to sleep with that tea?? And she offered us another cup??? Hmmmm I'm a bit suspicious of her now. I think she likes Jarin though, because of the way she described him (with the silver tongue and taking in burdens upon himself).

    I wonder why the dragon was all happy when they entered the cave. Maybe she likes Jarin too, and was happy he returned. If not I bet she will, since he was worried about her dying and only took a dagger instead of a sword to defend himself. It's strange though, since her babies killed his father, so . . . yeah, it'll be quite interesting to see how it all turns out!

    Commented on: February 13, 2015

  • The House of Animus

    "Please don't wait that long unless you're a masochist." -quote of the year

    That prologue intrigues me greatly, and I would like to read it if you still have it on you. Starr certainly has complicated relationships with these girls. In the last chapter we learned that he has feelings for Lucia, but here he said things like "Did you even try to stop her, May?" and he always tells Lucia that he won't go with her to the services. It makes me wonder how Animus feels about demons. The way he's having Shion study demons makes me think that he doesn't understand them that well, so he probably finds it hard to see them as equal to humans. That may be why all his servants are humans. You said that he has this secret evilness inside him; my guess is that he's going to do something bad to the demons. Though is Shion a demon, because of that experiment? Is that why Starr doesn't love her?

    [“How many times have I reminded you that it is not necessary to call me by my title? Just calling me by my name is acceptable.”] It looks like Starr was the one saying this. To avoid confusion, I would make Lucia perform some action before saying this.

    I feel as though Starr's agreement to go to the function was rather quick. You could use that part of the chapter to give some more detail as to why Starr doesn't like going to functions with her, and maybe give some more insight to their relationship. (I didn't really learn anything new from their interactions, unless I missed something.) 

    [...see you again, Starr...I would love to share a dance with you, Dr. Animus...] Personally, it seemed awkward that she talked to Starr informally but then used a more formal title.

    [“Do you want...more education?”] [“Y-Yes...”] This wish of Shion's was quickly ignored; It could have been taken out and have made no difference. Unless, of course, Starr was so happy with her wish and that's why he kissed her.

    As for interest, this chapter gets a ten out of ten. Things sure did escalate quickly! I certainly didn't expect Shion to be in love with Starr, though it does explain why she's been so obedient this far. The fight between her and May was amusing as well. The diversity of your characters carried on from the previous chapter, and the fact that May actually got into a fight with Shion just because she's a wolf-girl shows that anything could happen, though not without reason.

    I'm excited to see what this function is all about. I wonder why Lucia is going there, and why she wants an escort. It will probably bring out some more of their personalities, as it already has: we now that Starr likes to be with others. 

    I really like your detail in this chapter, from May's ears drooping to their kiss at the end (of which I applaud you for making it not cliché) it was very easy to form a mental image of what was going on. The way they talk is another thing I like about this story. I can't explain it, but I'd imagine them talking in an accent or in a very formal voice. It adds to the overall originality. What they say, like Shion wanting Starr to decide what they did next, also makes their dialogue quite fun to read.

    That's all I can think of to say for this chapter. If there's something I've forgotten or you have any questions let me know so I can give you a full review. But before I finish, would it be easier if I organized my comments like yours, with First Impressions, Characters, Setting, Faults, and Final Remarks? 

    Commented on: February 7, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    Thank you, thank you very much. Wendy is indeed determined. What I meant to imply was that the hunters wouldn't be able to prevent war just by torturing Kozel, as that would only make tensions worse. But yeah, she is pretty cynical about everything :P

    I'm so sorry about all those typos. Hopefully they aren't too distracting. I do go over the chapters when I'm done, but I'm still terrible at reading xD You have no idea how grateful I am that you pointed those out!

    Warren definitely should have been more hesitant, even though they really wanted to get some information out of Kozel. Haha, thanks for the thought. I wish I could say that part were satirical.

    I'm glad the story isn't that cliché. It's easier to be original with a really weird story like HA but for this one it's harder to tell.

    Of course Wendy isn't okay, she just got shot :P

    Commented on: February 6, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    Thanks for your comments! I'm so glad you like the story :) 

    The heartlessness of the hunters like Carac was intentional, as part of the satire and symbolism of the story. Also, as you said, I figured it would be realistic given they're always fighting monsters. 

    Yeah, I should change the thought he has when he changes back into a human. Don't think that's the first thing he'd worry about. Thanks for finding that one typo, too.

    Warren has a soft spot for her ;) There'll be more elaboration on that in a few chapters. I'm glad Wendy was relatable. It would be strange if she weren't, because of how extreme she can be. 

    Okay, it's official. The mayor is now to be called Papa xD

    I like to base my stories off of a world that reflects what ours would look like but with limited technology, so they are advanced in areas like medicine.

    Thanks again for reading and commenting. I look forward to hearing more from you!

    Commented on: February 6, 2015

  • The Killer

    Wow...My mind has been just been blown. So that's the dream he was having, and how they first met. Wow. I've reached the conclusion that the brain creature guy / Bogel / Nigel is evil, since he wasn't all "Aaawwww dey so cuuuuute" when watching Nate and Lauren meet. Anyway, I think Nigel is really Lauren's ghost/soul and she was so sad that she was unable to realize her dream and made Nate kill her so that she wouldn't have to go through the shame of suicide. It would also explain why "Nigel" said that "he" loves him so much and stuff, and doesn't want him to blame himself. As for why "he's" mad at "that woman," I can't explain why she's talking about herself in the third person but maybe she's mad at herself because of all the pain she's putting him through.

    Anyway, the first sentence was good. You don't usually hear people say, "If I could yawn, I’d be yawning right now." It's just that the rest of the first paragraph was a bit redundant, since he put so much emphasis on the fact that he was powerless. Unless that was intentional :)

    Some wee typos:
    [I did teaching because nothing else you could do with chemistry really interested me.] 
    [I’ll look like an moron]
    [I just want to be with the people I love and be happy.]

    I only bring up this next point because some people (yours truly) just don't get things. So when it shifted to Nate's POV I thought it was the day after he got home from the funeral, and was confused by his change in age. Also, I was going to say, "No Nate, don't fall in love with that puta! Stay loyal to your wife!" So yeah, maybe use the past tense or say "Ten years ago" but it's not essential or anything. 

    I really like how you started with Nigel's narration (gosh he's disgusting) which makes it really suspenseful, and then you transitioned into the dream he was watching Nate experience. It's funny, because they were talking about dreams while they were in a dream. It's dreamception! :P I like that theme, and I feel like it's going to be relevant to future chapters. Hopefully this won't be an imitation the movie Up though :P

    You've been rather careful with your writing. I noticed that Nate's narration in the dream was different from the preceding ones - He's changed a lot since then, hasn't he? - but they're the same as when he was remembering Lauren, e.g. the descriptions of how beautiful she is. It was also neat how you used "sings" as her dialogue tag once, referencing the fact the she was a singer. And that ending was well done too. Why him? Very thought-provoking question. Maybe it's because of his confidence, but something tells me it's more than that.

    “’...So, Mr Chemistry. What’s your dream? And don’t say it’s me.” xD

    Sorry if I left anything out. Let me know if you have any questions.

    Commented on: February 5, 2015

  • The Princes and the Dragon

    Hmmm that storyteller and his/her tea. I wonder if they're trying to poison us, or whoever they're talking to, since they were insisting. It's also interesting why they're so interesting in the person. I like how you made them react to the traveler's actions. (No? Now, now, there's no reason to be rude.) I wonder what was done that was rude...

    [his brothers hand] [The sound of the girls cries was far to high,]

    [All About Dragons] 

    [She had not understood the meaning of the word] - It wasn't that clear what "the word" is, maybe try "the word 'woo'" 

    [It was graciously received, and quite princely of him. Thea could see the makings of a great king in him.] - Watch out for sentences that end in the same words. Also, I thought Thea was in love with Prince Merek, since she decided they needed a princess and that he would make a good king. And, correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't Jarin be the king since he's older?

    [by the mere presence of her company.]

    [Thea the banshee] I think Banshee should be capitalized.

    [he had never heard on]

    [He rubbed his nose, that was still sore from crashing into the crystal.] - "which"

    [and so,] [ you remind me ] - The first words of these two quotes near the end should be capitalized.

    I was a bit confused when Prince Jarin suddenly wanted to see the girl again, even though he decided that her laugh was spine-chilling. He also was reminded of how he got hurt their, and the only reason he had for wanting to go back was how the cave was so shiny. Unless the obscurity was intentional, why did he really want to go? Was it curiosity, did he think that the girl might have something to tell him about dragons? How did his thoughts transition from dragons to her?

    However, the idea behind the ending was really intriguing. Jarin must want to be like a character from one of his stories, going on an adventure despite his fear. His decision to go back was really unexpected; I thought he's go back with some knights or with one of his new weapons (oh yeah, what types of weapons did they give him?) or maybe the girl would come to him. I get that feeling that he's going to die, though it obviously won't happen, so I can't wait to see what happens when he goes back.

    Jarin seems like an intelligent, open-minded individual since he considered the possibility that dragons and the cave girl aren't actually evil, and asked himself such philosophical questions. He also seems to have a big heart because of the way he thanked his father-in-law and in contrast with his brother, who was really mean to Thea. His preference to books over weapons make me think that he won't want to kill when they embark on their journey. Maybe he'll even spare the life of the dragon who killed his father. The narrator's statement that nobody knows who he is interested me. Since he was one of the first characters introduced we were made to think that he's normal, so that was unexpected as well and very mysterious.

    Prince Merek will probably be less likely to let his curiosity and character get in the way of their quest, though he may not be as clever as his brother. It was quite impressive of him when he helped his friend up after they were playing. They both have room for improvement, but it's clear that they already have it in them. It will be a pleasure to see their personal development as they go on their journey, and see what they learn along the way.

    The world they live in is quite different from our own, how they give little kids alcohol and weapons, and have a young boy's birthday full of drunk people and children running around causing havoc. Maybe the princes would be safer hunting the dragons ;) It all ties back to Jarin's thoughts about how maybe the dragons have souls and people don't. I wonder if he's right.

    One of the reasons I really liked this chapter is that it was really original, especially more than the previous one. While the idea of dragons and avenging loved ones is overused, you've put your own twist on it through parts like the weird girl, and the dragons possibly being the good guys. The originality was also due to the details such as Thea's insight on the word "woo" and the feast in general. You did an amazing job at not only capturing the mind of the narrator, but of little kids in general and how they interact with their environment. Their actions were very amusing and relatable.

    As for organization, I like your way of making some paragraphs bigger and some small to keep the pace steady. This chapter, like the previous one, was easy to read. The chapters' short length is another plus because readers are less likely to have to stop reading in the middle of a chapter, and you aren't loading us with tons of information.

    Commented on: February 4, 2015

  • Cursed

    Come on man, I want blood!! Just kidding, politics and sneaking around will do just as well. Of course you're the only person who knows where exactly you want to go with your story, so you'd be the best at making that decision.

    I don't think that's a weird question; main themes are very important to a story :) Let's see...I guess one could be about conflict and how there's no "good guy" because the Gifted are just trying to maintain order and some rebels are mutilating the Gifted. By the same sense it could also be about discrimination or equality because of what the Gifted and non-Gifted think of each other, even though there's people like 256 and 805 who are different. Samantha and Jazza bring up ideas of self confidence, Carey of social anxiety, and 256 of depression (?). It could also be about change, because of the effects their quest had on them (like when Carey was worrying about her family being afraid of her. Taking into account the titles, I also think that it could be about what we make of our strengths and weaknesses. Sorry if my interpretation is off, that's how I see it.

    Commented on: February 1, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    Kozel loves you too xD Thanks for your advice concerning the battle scenes, I wouldn't have thought of that. Also for all the other stuff. Sorry about all those careless mistakes. I'm trying to do a better job at self-editing :P

    It's such a relief that the characters are okay so far. I was worried that people wouldn't understand them because of the satire (which I have yet to master). The reason it sort of feels cliché is because I don't know if it's too similar to The Beauty and the Beast of Twilight with the monster-human relationship and all. 

     

     

     

    Commented on: February 1, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    Thank you for your insight and criticism. I'm glad you liked the story. Though I have yet to master satire, I know that exaggeration is an important point so that was intentional. However you have a point; I will make it more realistic so that it isn't too out of hand.

    The hunter's name and a description will be provided in the next chapter, though they aren't too important to the story. 

    By "that feeling he gets every morning" I meant to imply that he's a human at night and has his true form during the day, thus every morning he turns from a human into a kaipra, and it's something he can't control. I'll have to make that clearer, as well as why Kozel thought the oranges were balls of fire. (He'd never seen them before, and his years of seclusion had driven him insane.)

    Thanks again for your comment, I look forward to hearing more from you!

    Commented on: February 1, 2015

  • The House of Animus

    This is one of those stories that you could read over and over without getting tired of it. Though we can already see a plot and conflict, this chapter had a light, carefree atmosphere and was overall very easy to read, and your style compliments the plot perfectly. We already have a sense of the characters' personalities and of the world they live in, and it was mostly introduced indirectly through dialogue so it didn't feel like we're being loaded with a ton of information. The author's notes and subtitles also went well with the story in giving it a more informal feeling.

    Before I begin with the more negative points, I would like to apologize if I seem harsh, or unintentionally insult your intelligence in correcting typos. It would be very hypocritical of me to judge you for making mistakes xD Feel free to take anything you don't agree with, with a grain of salt.

    The first point is from the description: [The fun days at his mansion are also joined by the daughter of Lucifer, her maid, a lusty succubus, and a cat-girl from Japan.] - It looks like "her maid" and "a lusty succubus" are two different people, so it should say "the daughter of Lucifer; her maid, a lusty succubus; and a cat-girl from Japan."

    [I've know her for many years, ever since our childhood where I mistook her for a human before I learned of her heritage.] - "...,when I mistook her for a human before learning of her heritage."

    [reminding me that breakfast was ready at the usual time of 9:00 AM.] - "would be ready"

    [I mean what was father thinking?] - "I mean, what was Father thinking?"

    [I was jealous of his freedom and care-free life.] - This was implied by the dialogue, so you might want to delete it or say something we don't already know.

    [I make it a point] [this morning isn't any different]/[today is no different] - repetition is the only problem here

    [He waves it off, focusing on his relaxation at the moment.] - This sentence seemed awkward to me, and it should be "waved."

    [“This is where we must part. Good luck on your research today Shion..] [“No, it's not that Master..."] [“Yes Master.”] - To avoid confusion, you could put commas before names and titles ("today, Shion") (that, Master) (Yes, Master).

    I don't know if the way you write quotes is a difference in style, but I was always taught to count dialogue tags as in the same sentence as the dialogue. For example, [“Master, it is time for you to wake up! There is so much to do today, you must not forget your duties to Miss Lucia now.” A maid tells me.] should look like "...now," a maid tells me."

    In case you didn't know, you can find these quotes by pressing the "Ctrl" and "F" keys at the same time.

    One thing that isn't really a fault for this chapter but a comment nonetheless, is that Starr seems like one of those "perfect" characters with little to no faults or room for personal improvement. It may be a stylistic choice or perhaps he does faults and we simply have yet to see them, but I thought I'd mention it.

    However I will also include your portrayal of Dr. Animus as a positive point, since you did a good job of naturally showing what kind of person he is. Since "a white dress shirt, a light blue tie, gray dress pants, and my personal suit jacket with the House Animus emblem sewn onto the upper sleeves" is just his informal, everyday clothes, he comes off as someone who is very professional and serious about his work. We also know that he has manners, based on how he ate, and likes all his servants equally. He seems humble too, given he said that he doesn't like making big entrances. If he does have faults it will be interesting to see what they are, which adds to the aspect of mystery.

    I wonder where Starr's family is. He mentioned his dad once, but the servants are all practically worshipping him as their master, so his father must not be around, either he's dead or it's Starr's mansion. It also brings up the question of how old Starr is.

    Something else that keeps us readers interested (unless I'm just clueless) is whether Starr is the one who raped Tienge and Shion and turned them into cat girls, since the description says that they were created through his life's work. But Tienge implied that they didn't know who did it...

    Each of the characters has their own personality: Dante seems a bit cheeky and at times immature, but gets the job done when needed. Tienge talks before she thinks, and it's as if her ears and tail made her more animalistic. But Shion is more like Starr, except that she looks a bit cynical from how she scolds Tienge. It'll be interesting to read about the others and see how they interact with each other. Also, what kind of babies Starr and Lucia would make together ;)

    That's all I have to say for this comment. Let me know if you have any questions, or if I can clarify anything. 

     

    Commented on: January 31, 2015

  • Cursed

    Awww, why did Janelle have to do so a thing :( That stupid Caleb, I bet it was his plan all along. He didn't do anything to stop her but rather was like, "Yeah, that's a great idea, Janipoo." Surely the only way for her to get her confidence back is to see that she can do well as a leader, and has, but she won't make that realization if she stops leading the rebels. Maybe Caleb is really a double agent working for the Gifted, and meant to weaken the rebels by removing Janelle from power. What's more, when Carey and Co. come back, all the others will have left the brothel since Jan's rebels are going with Caleb's. Oops. If I were a character in this story I would throttle that son of a 

    This is going to sound really fussy or irrelevant of me, not to mention hypocritical, but the first paragraph might look better if it's shorter and evokes more emotion. I've been reading The Blood of Olympus lately and he starts chapters with one-sentence paragraphs like "Two minutes wasn't nearly enough time." and "Piper couldn't believe how hard it was to find deadly poison." both of which make readers think, "What???" Also, did anything in particular happen at the inn as a result of standing out? (Notwithstanding, the ending was, by contrast, most unexpected and well played with Janelle relinquishing control and all. It must have taken a lot of willpower for you to write that.)

    I'm a bit suspicious of Maui. He didn't wash his hands before or after handling the rabbit's guts, and he touched Hahana after doing so! Then, he left the raw meat in a bag so it could rot. (I don't think a fox stealing it would be their only problem.) I am deeply offended by your portrayal of us men as filthy creatures :P Though I'm not that sure as to their level of hygiene awareness so sorry if this sounds weird.

    I noticed that attention is often brought to the characters' eyes. I don't know if that's intentional, but wanted to mention in case it isn't.

    [“Yeah,” Carey said, coughing as her stomach gave a loud rumble. Hahana’s expression softened slightly.

    “Perhaps I went too far,” she said at a normal volume; it was almost like a whisper for her. “I feel I should not have mentioned her parents.”] It looks like Carey's stomach is what made her realize that.

    [...dumping some more wood on their small fire and increasing the intensity of the flames.] Correct me if I'm wrong (it's your story), would 256 be able to rekindle the fire with his Gift? Where did they get the wood?

    [“But what about –“
    “I’m disbanding our group,” she said quietly, so none of the recruits attempting to listen in could hear. “I won’t be the leader of them anymore. You will be.”] This is just one paragraph. I think you pressed shift and enter at the same time.

    So Maui's royalty, eh? If there's anything that I've learned from being American, it's that politicians are evil. KILL MAUI EVISCERATE HIM HE ONLY CARES ABOUT HIMSELF unless he was just trying to impress Samantha, and that's why they lied (maybe the lie was that he was a noble's son, and Hahana didn't want him to talk about it because she didn't want him to dishonest), in which case never mind. I can actually relate to him, because he reminds me of when I'm trying to speak French xD

    I like how you controlled the pacing. It seems to be slowing (there were some long sentences, repeated info, etc.) as if portraying the fact that the rebels seem to be losing power and hope. 

    The realism in your characters' reasoning and dialogue was great, and everybody was in character. Two hundred fifty-six (you're supposed to spell out numbers at the beginning of a sentence) seems more mature compared to Carey, who was crying and ran away, so I'm thinking that he might be starting to accept his condition, though not completely of course. Or maybe he was just tired. It was also realistic of Carey to feel the guilt and indecision she's feeling, and to worry about people (256) not liking her. The contrast between Hahana and Samantha continued to agree with their characters, and was quite entertaining to read about :P

    For some reason I liked this quote: [“Did you sleep well?” he asked casually, as though they had just happened to bump into each other instead of him dragging her out of bed at the insistence they spend some time together.] I was hoping that Thomas's idea would work, and it's touching that he cares about Janelle. The way he was redirecting her guilt before trying to cheer her up was clever. Caleb, on the other hand, doesn't seem to care much. He was insensitive enough to ask Thomas how he got injured (and wasn't that an intense moment!) and I find it hard to trust him. Janelle should just kill him and give control to someone she knows she can trust.

    When do you plan to make them do some more fighting? Sorry if this sounds really boyish, but there's been a lot of emotion and though it's written well you're good at writing battle scenes too, plus it would vary the plot a little bit. When Samantha got all angry at Hahana and Maui and picked up her sword, I thought there would be a little action but no xD Anyway, it's just a thought.

    Gosh, I'm so sorry for rambling :P Let me know if you have any questions.

    Commented on: January 31, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    Thanks for the comment! I'm glad you liked the chapter and its characters. I was going to make the hunter meaner, but didn't want to seem cynical or anything, so I made some of them nice, though they all still have room for personal development. I also didn't want it to seem that one-sided.

    One thing that I could be clear about is that Kozel actually thought the oranges were fire. Though you're right, even if he did know what oranges were he probably wouldn't eat them due to his preference for meat.

    There will be a tiny bit of romance in the story, but I wanted to introduce it later on since I don't believe in love at first sight. 

    Thanks again for your insight and praise! I feel a lot more confident in the story now :)

    Commented on: January 31, 2015

  • The Princes and the Dragon

    Wow, your use of vernacular in this chapter was astounding! Where did you learn to talk like that? You have great diction, and I really liked how you employed subtle humor through the narrator's word choice and exclamation marks. It's cool how the whole story is told by a character, actually making the reader part of it. I wonder who the narrator is, and if she's part of the story. Since they said, "unfortunately, it was not so" I'm assuming that they didn't make the story up, and that it actually happened in the world he or she lives in.

    I would like to apologize beforehand I seem picky in my criticism, or insulting of your intelligence. I'm not sure whether what I'm about to mention are stylistic choices, the way you like to write, or just typos, in which case feel free to take anything with a grain of salt :)

    [I was advised you would have arrived today.] "Advised" doesn't seem like a fitting word. I would use "told (that)."

    [The Princes and the dragon] 

    [For I must warn you, the tale might be long. Our tale starts in the ashes of chaos...] Repetition of "tale" made this stand out for some reason.

    [the cobblestone panels that made the floor] I would say "made up" here.

    [Finally. they had reached a tomb.]

    [anymore time]

    [So suddenly his Queen mother had almost tipped over and fell flat on her face!] "fallen"

    [The prince, (who wanted very much to sit, even if the floor was muddy) had clung to the skirts of his mother.] This part might look better if you take out the parenthesis and add a comma after "muddy" or use dashes, and replaced "had clung" with "clang."

    [Should that had happened,] I would say "Should this happen". Also, what was being referred to here?

    [That was long ago. If one were to keep count, it would be roughly ten years to the day Jarin had awoken on his fourteenth birthday. His mother had long since perished. She had caught a deathly flu, and in her sleep she found she could no longer fight to breathe. And so she stopped. Just like that. Once he, his mother, and Sir Borin had fled to the kingdom of his uncle. His mother had remarried, and they had another son together: Merek. He was four years younger than Jarin, and much more brazen in character.] Maybe say that his mother died after talking about them moving to the other kingdom, to avoid confusion.

    [Where as Prince Jarin...] "Whereas"

    [...droned out ramblings.] "droned-out"

    [...pushed passed the crying girl,] [Prince Jarin walked passed the younger girl.] "past" 

    [His brother did not reply, he only urged his brother forward.] the repetition of "his brother" stood out as well, maybe replace the second one with "him"

    [Once her eyes opened (which were very sharp eyes. Sharper than the point of a blade)] I would say something like "Once her eyes opened-very sharp eyes, sharper than the point of a blade-they could see..."

    Those quotes are in chronological order, but of course to find them more quickly you can always press the "Ctrl" and "F" keys.

    The dialogue was a bit different from what I usually see. Unless the rules are different where you live, It should be double quotes (" instead of ') with a comma at the end if you're using a dialogue tag (he said, she cried, etc.) and the first letter of the next sentence capitalized.

    In the paragraph that started with "The Prince, who was merely a boy..." had a lot of verbs in the past perfect tense (had wanted, had tried, had reached, had stopped, had almost tripped) when, to me, it would make more sense to take out "had."

    Lastly, I really liked your description at the end and beginning, but if you could add some more of the secret passage that would be cool. 

    Again, I apologize if I seem rather negative. I wanted to point those out because I know self-editing can be a pain :P

    However, as I said I really admire your use of diction and the way you talked the way the narrator would. The narrator himself/herself (are they male or female?) was a nice touch, and I like how you wrote their words in italics to distinguish them from story they're telling.

    Another thing that added to the quality of your chapter was how you used similes and metaphors, such as comparing the dragons to eagles/demons, the orb to a lily, and the girl's eyes to blades. 

    It's good that the emotion in this chapter was plentiful, but you didn't force it on your readers, if that makes sense. When the knights were fighting even though they knew they'd die, Jarin looked back to see ashes were his father had been standing, and when he saw his mother crying, you just said that he was too young to feel as sad as the others, so we naturally feel his sadness for him.

    The chapter itself was well organized. It started with a intro that made us wonder who the narrator was talking to and why as well as an intense beginning, and the end was intriguing but too much of a cliff hanger. You used your 2,292 words well; the pacing couldn't be better, and not too much happened but I'm already immersed in the story. The characters made decisions, which is always good because it makes readers think and get more involved. Speaking of the characters, they're another good part of this chapter because they're all unique, and we already have a sense of their personalities so it's easier to put ourselves in their shoes.

    That's it for this comment. Sorry for talking so much xD Let me know if you have any questions, or if I can elaborate on anything.

    Commented on: January 30, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    Yeah, I just wanted to know if their identities were unclear, which will hopefully make sense in the next few chapters. If it doesn't I can always change it. Thanks for your input :) Your suggestion sounds a lot better than the way it is now, so I'll go with that.

    Also two other things I'd worried about and would like feedback on, in addition to slowness and bad character development, is repetition and the whole plot being cliché. If so I apologize beforehand. I'll try to fix it but I'm not quite sure how :P

     

    Commented on: January 28, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    Thanks for the comment! I'm glad it wasn't one-sided. There isn't supposed to be a "good side," kind of like in Gifted, so I want readers to choose which one you're on if either.

    I see what you mean about the last line. The only reason I'm unsure about removing it is because my purpose actually wasn't to be suspenseful, but to show that he's a monster, as supposed to a human that gets turned into a monster later on. Sorry if that makes sense. I don't know how obvious that is, but yeah :P I was trying to make readers originally think that he's human and Wendy a monster, for certain reasons. What are your thoughts on the matter?

    I agree with everything else you said though. As for "gunne," I told you my English sucks :P Just kidding, it's supposed to be another word for "hand cannon." I'll remove it to avoid further confusion.

    Thanks! Originally when I photoshopped the cover Kozel looked like a mouse with a unicorn horn xD 

     

    I don't really have any questions other than the one, though overall I'm worried about whether the plot is too slow and the character development unclear or unnatural, particularly Kozel's.

    Commented on: January 27, 2015

  • The Killer

    Noooooo :O It's frightening to know that the protagonist is also, in a way, the antagonist given that Bob - I'm calling the demon dude Bob - said that he was a part of Nate. So the vengeful thoughts are technically Nate's and he really was the one who killed Lauren, despite being upset that everyone thought/knew it was him. Maybe the Nate that's been narrating isn't an accurate portrayal of his character, and he's really a malicious person. Is Bob a personification of some sort of mental illness? Would that explain how he took away Nate's memory, and how Nate can't wake up without him? Or he could represent something abstract like temptation. revenge, or moral weakness. Two things that stood out to me was the fact that he seems like a pretty positive guy, and that it seems he isn't done with making Nate "happy."

    [I don’t know how she manages to keep her grey hair so neatly curled and resist getting spit or other bodily fluids on her freshly pressed blouse and long, black skirt.] Talking about her "resisting" getting the bodily fluids on her clothes seemed awkward to me. I would probably say "...and prevent spit or other bodily fluids from getting on..."

    [I can tell she’s desperate to ask me how the funeral went, but thankfully she’s resisting the temptation. Elaine opens the door wide so Max and I can shuffle inside.] It seemed weird that he referenced Elaine by her name in the middle of the paragraph, after he said "she" and we knew who he was talking about.

    Wow, was he really going to pay her $200? I know that's only about 158.65460891639 American dollars but still, he said he needed money being a single dad. You Australians are quite generous :P Also, would being a secondary teacher earn him enough money to get him out of his economic situation? I don't know how much they're paid where you live so that's not a rhetorical question :P

    [I don’t believe in the afterlife or anything like that, at least I wouldn’t have to suffer anymore.] I would put a "but" after the comma.

    [But I don’t blame him one bit – I blame her.] It's picky of me to say this, but italicizing "her" would make things clearer.

    [...I’ll get someone to over your classes.”]

    One thing that this story has in common with your other ones is the profoundness of the characters' emotions. I really admire how well you write them, and how they're balanced with the physical side of the story. Overall the characters are relatable and realistic but not clichéd; we don't get the feeling that we've seen it all before. Nate certainly isn't a stereotypical man, nor Bob what one would expect of a demon :P

    I also liked how there were parts that were awkward, to make it more realistic. When Elaine almost brought up Lauren's death and when Nate was crying then fell asleep in the bathroom, it made the reader go "no, don't do that" (which is a good thing, I think, since we feel a connection to them) and it also shows their humanity.

    So we know that Lauren and Nate got into a fight. It wasn't over the bedding, was it? Their backstory is intriguing, and makes me think I should reconsider how I think about the characters. Lauren hurt him, but Nate felt guilt so maybe they both did something bad.

    Brandon's role in all of this is something else that's on my mind. I don't think he and Bob are the same person, because Nate already knew Brandon but didn't recognize Bob's "voice." The faceless man was Bob, right? I wonder what he's going to do next. If Nate's the titular character, then I suppose anything could happen.

    Commented on: January 27, 2015

  • Storimhaib

    I'm glad you think Gakk is interesting :P He's my favorite character to write about because of the mystery aspect and his flexibility. Thanks for telling me how to fix the part with Joy's father. I'll make the changes you mentioned.

    Sorry about all the mistakes. The quality of this story isn't nearly as good as I want it to be, so I'm debating between making major changes and just deleting the whole thing because I don't want you to have to keep reading it like this. Either way I won't be adding a new chapter for a while.

    Improving my English will be something else to work on, so I'd probably take a break anyway. I've been really busy studying Spanish and French in school and it's been harder to express myself in English xD 

    Thanks for your comment! I'll get back to reading The Killer when I get the chance.

     

    Commented on: January 26, 2015

  • The Killer

    Hmmm, is Brandon a creature living in Nate's mind? He didn't get there until the end, and Max didn't seem to react. The way he asked (quietly) about how Connor was doing made me think that, if he is the "creature," maybe he was warning him somehow. I hope Connor's okay :( Brandon actually seemed kind of sad at the end, what with his mouth wobbling and his hands in his pockets. It's strange given Nate's reaction to him, so maybe it represents his unwillingness to face the dark thoughts in his head (?)

    Or that guy could just be the one who killed Lauren, like maybe her ex-lover and he killed her out of jealousy but his apparent sadness is due to regret. He could be the one with a creature in his mind, and the creature "made" him kill her so he would be happy. 

    [Funerals are supposed take place]
    [I’ve manage to make it]
    [It’s not his fault He doesn’t know Lauren as I do.]
    [My lip wobbles and I have to bite my lip]

    [She is watching us, biting her lip so hard a small amount of blood is dribbling down her chin.] A lot of lips in this chapter! Just kidding, I just thought this was a bit dramatic, used a lot in your stories.

    [My stepfather is hurrying behind her, his long face uncharacteristically solemn as he nods in greeting.] A long face in uncharacteristically solemn? Sorry if I'm missing something here. I think I am xD

    [She drove this morning, but the car is mine.] It might be helpful to say why she was driving his car, for people who don't know :P Unless it was said somewhere and I just can't find it.

    I like the way you conveyed Nate's emotion in the beginning, showing instead of telling: [I smile bitterly as I notice the sun blazing down upon them. Isn’t it supposed to be raining?] You also did a good job of showing Max's feelings by describing his crying in different ways, like him howling and his tears staining his father's shirt. The story overall had good detail from his and Frances's actions such as him clinging to Nate even though he didn't usually do that in public, and Frances holding up the cars.

    I find it hard to believe that you're new to this sort of style. It worked well, and was a smart choice since the focus is on the narrators emotions. I don't know why you wrote it in the presence tense or from a male's perspective, but it's still cool that you tried something new.

    It's going to be interesting when you reveal more about what their lives are like, and how the story evolves. I assume it has a lot to do with the background of the murder and the theme of the story itself. Something tells me that it won't just be about the murder, but some bigger picture to elaborate on the creature things.

    Commented on: January 21, 2015

  • Storimhaib

    There's nothing to worry about- a lot of really intelligent people don't get satire. Not that I'm so smart, but I only understand how it works because I learned about it in school. It was love at first sight :P

    Yeah, I suppose I could make it a bit more subtle and their fatigue less so. Thank you for advising me to take the risk. I know you don't write satire, but your opinion as that of an experienced writer is still highly valued. 

    It would be a pleasure to keep reading The Killer. I'm not forcing myself to do anything- I was already going to read it anyway but now I know to make it more of a priority. Besides, I like trying new things, which is why I'm writing Giving Grace :P My newest story is very different from those I've written so far given it's already a lot more mature and the humor darker than usual. As such I'm going to ask you the same, to not force yourself to read it if it makes you feel uncomfortable or if you are uninterested.

    Thanks for letting me know about your trip. I hope you have fun! :D

     

    Commented on: January 14, 2015

  • Storimhaib

    Thanks for commenting! I almost thought you were being serious for a second there :P Sorry about all the errors, I'm really bad at self-editing. Well, reading in general xD

    Do you think I should make it less dramatic? I was afraid that people would still take it seriously or simply not get it if their actions weren't exaggerated. Alan's actions were supposed to criticize the stereotype of men being inconsiderate and stupid/oblivious, while Joy's were supposed to represent the stereotype of distrust and sensitivity/overreaction. (The chapter was of course also supposed to be about religious people, atheists, and government :P) I wanted to convey these stereotypes as ridiculous, which they are. What they did in the chapter, except for the end, was supposed to be make it more of a side chapter than anything. Plus, she said they were tired and emotional from their previous talk, so I figured they would at least be at least a little out of character.

    The point you made about her favorite captain being a man was a good one; I hadn't thought about that. Besides the possibility of him being her husband, I guess some men would be more submissive and loyal than women in their world, as lower-class citizens. I totally agree with everything else you said though.

    Hahaha. No, thinking the psychologist is male isn't sexist of you- I may have briefly described her as a male and then changed it or something. However I find it ironic since you like psychology and you're female :P

    I do have a couple of questions for you:

    First of all, how would you have written this chapter? I trust what you've already said and know that it's mine, but I still feel like I'm missing something. Would you still have made it more or less dramatic?

    Secondly, I noticed that you've started writing another story. Though The Killer doesn't seem like exactly my cup of tea and I probably wouldn't give better critiques than Serina or A. Nonymous, the description and end of the first chapter (where I read up to) intrigued me, to say the least. If you'd like another perspective on the story I would be more than happy to critique it. That wasn't a question but oh well :P

    Commented on: January 14, 2015

  • Cursed

    Aww...this story is sadder than Day and Age. I'm glad there's characters like Thomas and Hahana to lighten the mood. From Thomas talking about how he can't completely control the bad things in his life to Hahana making Sam smile, this chapter was party depressing and partly heartbreaking. Chingados, I'm a straight guy I shouldn't be saying that xD Anyway, this is definitely for people who are socially permitted to show feelings a very emotionally captivating chapter, the atmosphere of which was exquisitely conveyed.   

    I only saw two tiny typos, at least I think they're typos: [He stood up abruptly, grabbing his bag before.] You can either say "grabbing his bag first"/"after grabbing his bag" or switch the clauses. [256 shoved a few spare clothes into his bag.] I don't know whether it's correct, but I would say "some spare clothes" or "a few spare articles of clothing",

    [“What was that about?” Samantha muttered, staring after them. Her eyebrows were still knotted when she turned back and noticed Carey in front of her.

    Carey cleared her throat, running her hand through her hair. “I – I’m sorry for slapping you. I was mad, because you went away and then Reagan… Anyway, it was wrong of me.”

    “It’s fine,” Samantha said stiffly; the smile had faded from her face. “I – I shouldn’t have left. It was childish of me. Anyway, we’d better go.”]

    The above quote seemed awkwardly quick, which could have been becaase of their social awkwardness or insincerity but otherwise the way it was written stood out to me.

    There were a few other things that stood out and I personally didn't get, so I'm sorry if my comments sound stupid. Why did they leave at night? Also, Hahana and Maui came out with their armor knowing that it would attract unwanted attention but didn't take it off after making Sam smile. Was there a reason for that? My last point is that Carey so willingly tried to summon a fireball at the end, even though she probably would have burned herself and the others like last time. I know that she needed to see whether she still had her Gift, but I think she would have at least hesitated or something before doing so.

    I love the whole story but I think this is one of the best chapters because it's good about having the characters get things done while not overloading the readers with information, having parts like Carey agreeing to ask 256 for help controlling her and then apparently losing her new Gift that make significant and lasting changes to the plot and provoke interest. Overall the events made the chapter unique compared to the other ones, and I didn't get the feeling that I had read it all before. 

    I wonder if Carey really lost her Gift, and whether Reagan took it away from her somehow. Probably not, since she said that she didn't have any problems since that one incident. It would be so horrible if they got to the Council and she suddenly lost her Gift of Stealth xD Hopefully she gets it back, because then she would be more powerful, but then again it would also make 256 and Thomas less unique. We'll see!

    Hahaha when 256 said her name was Carey xD The part when he was talking to Caleb was tense, because I thought the older man would find out and kill him or something, 256 kept slipping. It makes me wonder whether using Carey's name will get the real Carey in trouble somehow. And I honestly thought he was going to be 256's dad! That would have been awkward. It was nice to learn about Caleb a little bit, such as the fact that he seems to hate all Gifted, even his son, and he must not have a lot of confidence since he turned his mirror around. The irony in the way he talked to 256 about his feelings for the Gifted was sad but in a way entertaining, and it'll obviously affect the way 256 feels about the mission.

    Commented on: January 11, 2015

  • Chris Ramirez: Teenage Crazy

    Wow, I honestly thought Jason was going to take advantage of Chris. I still wonder if he's going to do something to embarrass her. Probably not, since her suspicion seemed to be due to her imagination and if he wanted to he already had multiple chances. I'm still not shipping anyone with Chris, because I'm a boy :P Their conversations are still very amusing though.

    My first complaint I mean suggestion is to italicize the text messages written by Naddy and Chris, since they weren't saying anything out loud.

    I don't mean to insult your intelligence, but there are a few things that I've noticed before, such as with the dialog tags: [“Really?” He responded.] You don't need "He responded" here because we know that it was Jason; Chris's dialog was the one right before that one. Also "he" should be lowercase since Jason isn't God, and "responded" isn't a verb that I would associate with a question. Secondly, letters don't have quotes around them and plural nouns never use apostrophes.

    There was this one phrase that I didn't understand: [Thankfully, they were only undressed, where they needed to be undressed to do the do.]

    Lastly, I have some questions for you. WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT OF THE MURDER? Do you know what your purpose, argument and audience are? Ideally who should we readers be, and what do you want us to walk away with? Sometimes I wonder if this story is supposed to be some kind of allegory, because there isn't really much of a conflict. It reads sort of more like a TV show than a book because of that, also because the chapters in a way seem independent of each other.

    How did you want the chapter to end? I could almost tell that it had a mind of its own because of how there didn't seem to be a climactic moment, there was suspense and mystery but it sort of just dissolved. Happens with me all the time haha xD

    What was your inspiration for the Labyrinth? Is that a real thing, where you have to find your way through and they won't let you out until you get the Y? Why a Y? xD Anyway it was a very interesting part of the chapter.

    This chapter also was an excellent source of your trademark humor. Chris's wild imagination and side-track thoughts always catch me by surprise, and her interactions with the other characters are priceless.

    I like your use of vernacular when Naddy was texting Chris, and the difference between the way everybody talks. The characters all have their separate personalities that make them distinguishable.

    My favorite part was probably the end dialog between Jason and Chris, when they were leaving the Labyrinth. What was your favorite part to write?

    Commented on: December 29, 2014

  • Cursed

    On one side it seems as though nothing major happened, but I'm comparing it to the previous events of Reagan dying and Carey finding out about her new Gift. This chapter was still so full of emotion so it feels like a cool-down. I like how you included comic relief like when 256 called Carey squishy because the atmosphere is otherwise rather sad :( Similarly to 256 and Carey I find it hard to trust Caleb because I get the impression that he was trying to demonize Reagan :P It's understandable since they were enemies, but the rebels are really cruel to the Gifted. I assume that if John hadn't killed Reagan, Caleb would've.

    I apologize as my critique is going to be a bit picky. First, about the following quote: [Since then he had only seen Janelle a few times.] I would say "256" instead of "he" since it looked it was talking about Reagan.

    Also, I would like to know more about Thomas' reaction to finding out about Carey's Gift of Fire, if it isn't unimportant right now. Did he just tell them that he knew, and that's it? Also, this is just out of curiosity, but why does Carey not want them to know? She was really valuable to them before, but now she's even more important.

    [“Thanks,” she muttered when he finished dressing her hand. Carey pulled it away and flexed her fingers while he set to work on her other hand. Her movements were still stiff, but were slowly getting better.] Carey could be replaced with "she" and it would still make sense. I just thought it looked weird there.

    [..ripping of the bandage around his palm]

    [almost empty bottle]

    [I wish I was cooler…]

    [“Where have you been?” she demanded, using far more colourful language than he cared to repeat.] Sorry if this is super-niggly; I read it as if "Where have you been?" were the colorful language :P

    Samantha's leaving confused me. At first when I read about it at the beginning I thought she left because of Reagan's death rather than after her fight with Janelle, so when Carey said "Reagan's dead!" it was a bit puzzling. For me :P Also, I wonder what Sam was doing for a week all by herself, and how she survived, though that probably isn't important to the plot.

    [..but Carey had other ideas.] This part seems unnecessary since she shows that she has other ideas when she slaps Sam. (She's pretty mad at her, huh?)

    Lastly, are you going to write chapters from Sam's point of view and maybe those of other important characters? It could be refreshing to see the story through someone else's eyes besides Carey's, 256's or Janelle's. After this chapter I'm just worried that you have it this way because Sam's going to die, or has some dark secret.

    But this chapter had as much detail as the rest. I really admire the way you wrote the awkward dialog between Carey and 256, and the way you portrayed Janelle's feelings. The emotions in the chapter were incredibly immersive. There were little bursts of suspense like Carey heating up the room and the tension between Sam and Janelle when Sam said that there were things that she couldn't tell Janelle, and Jan thought that Sam doesn't trust her. These moments did a good job of developing the flow of the chapter. The physical details were great too, like when you described how Carey and 256 tended to each other's wounds.

    Another thing is the complexity of the characters' emotions and the situations they're in. 256 is getting more and more like a rebel and less like the Gifted he once was, but meeting Caleb might make him revert back to his old ideologies. I don't think he'll ever go back completely though since his parents aren't Gifted, and he clearly wants proof that parents care about their Gifted children. 

    Sam was also less obedient, but now is trying to be more supportive since Janelle is really fragile and probably doesn't have the emotional strength to keep leading them. Jan also seems to be getting bitter not only because of what Sam said before but because the people she loves apparently don't trust her.

    Carey seems to be getting angrier at Sam since she probably could have stopped Reagan's death (which has different meaning to different characters) and her feelings are probably also based off of her previous thoughts that Samantha is perfect at everything. Thomas, on the other hand, for some reason seems to be content all the time so I wonder if the others will rely on him for emotional support.

    It's fun to experience the contrast between Carey and 256, from the difference in how carefully they undid the bandages to how direct they are in talking to people. They do have some things in common though, like their Gift of Fire and loveable awkwardness. Also their relationship is so different from Sam's and Janelle's. I can't wait to see how all their relationships come out throughout the rest of the story and how they relate to the plot.

    Commented on: December 29, 2014

  • Storimhaib

    Thank you for your thoughts on storimhaib and the characters, I'm glad you find them interesting. The way you see some of them is slightly different from the way I do, however that's exactly what I was hoping for so that's all good. I meant to infer that Joy stole things not only to be rebellious but also to help the other orphans who couldn't look for themselves as well as she could. That isn't as important to the plot as her family, though (*wink wink*) :P

    Yeah, it's a face xD Someone was making videos of themselves laughing creepily on my phone, so I photoshopped them as the cover.

     

     

    Commented on: December 23, 2014

  • Storimhaib

    Thanks for the comment! Honestly I forgot about the Queen's young age xD Thanks a lot for your theory, I think I'll just go with that if you don't mind. Otherwise I'm glad you liked that part.

    That part with Alan does look a bit awkward, thanks for pointing that out. As for Joy's dad leaving them, Alan knew because when he said that divorces happen a lot, it's usually the father who leaves them. Due to the culture they start to dislike the "superior" women after getting married. It's supposed to be part of the satire. I'll be clearer about that though.

    I do have a couple of questions. First of all, what are your thoughts about storimhaib (what it is and its use, for example) and the others characters shown so far? If one of the characters doesn't evoke interest then I'll have to start thinking about changing them. My second question is whether you think the cover is too disturbing xD It is related to the story, but I'm not sure I want to creep people out :P

    Commented on: December 22, 2014

  • Cursed

    I'll admit, I was a bit disappointed when Reagan died :( I didn't relate to him but he was always trying to help people, plus he did show guilt and true love so only a Gifted wouldn't care that he died. His character was well thought-out and very involved with the plot so I'm assuming his death was necessary and can't hold anything against you.

    By the way, I like your new profile picture :P

     

    Commented on: December 18, 2014

  • Cursed

    This is literally the most astonishing plotline I've ever seen. Although I had already though that Reagan was a spy and that Carey had more than just the Gift of Stealth, I wasn't thinking about it. The details and how they manifested made this chapter wonderfully intense and without a doubt my favorite.

    I wonder if there's any more invisible people. With the tragic passing of Reagan, and with the revealing of her second Gift, Carey seems a lot more unique and powerful now. The fact that 256 burnt himself when he absorbed her fire and how she hurt herself makes me think that her Gift of Fire is extremely potent. The question is whether she has all the Gifts (as implied when she used to go all "I'm fire, wind, water, earth, I'm everything") or maybe absorbed 256's powers as if she were Kirby. Also, it must have appeared or arisen suddenly because I'm sure that otherwise 256 would have sensed it earlier.

    Another thing that I was thinking about is the others' reactions. It was really cute - I mean nice *cough cough* - when 256 hugged and consoled her. I think that Sam's going to react the same way she reacted to Thomas, since he has a similar situation with an uncontrolled Gift of Fire and all. By the way, how's it going with Thomas and his lessons? Since you haven't mentioned it much, my assumption is that it's going to reveal itself when they need it to.

    One thing that confused my a tiny bit was this part: [She opened her mouth to respond, but she was distracted by noises coming from the kitchen. Her curiousity getting the better of her, she stood up and peered through the peephole.] Is "curiousity" the Australian spelling? =P And the thing that confused me was, weren't they already in the kitchen? I wasn't aware they were sitting down? What peephole? Sorry if I sound like and idiot xD

    When Carey was making fire appear everywhere, wouldn't it have spread since there were grass and trees nearby? And what was 256 doing when that man ran toward her?

    The last thing is just a typo: [“You’re going to be okay,” she said, her voice cracking as she could as his shaking increased.]

    I can't believe Reagan died. Maybe it was for the best, since he was a spy, but the way he reacted when they told him that John was hunting her down and when he heard her scream, surely his love for her was sincere. Maybe he never really was a spy, and joined the rebels because he hated the Gifted who were using him. The worrying thing now is that literally anybody could be a spy, since Reagan and John were able to get in. The rebels are looking pretty weak. But who knows, maybe they'll join the Southern Rebellion.

    As for that Caleb guy, was he introduced before? I got a sense of déjà vu when I read about him. Anyway, I trust him because Wesley was part of the archer rebels. It'll be interesting hearing his story, and maybe Wesley and Carey will meet up again. I hope that happens because then Wesley would be all "we still love you, Carey" and she'll feel better. Then her worries will be less selfish, and there will be something happy for once ;)

    I really liked your fight scenes, though. The first one wasn't that long but it was a lot less important that the one with John, Janelle and Reagan, which was longer and nicely detailed. Reagan and Janelle had only a knife to fight, and no one was unscathed.

    You've done a really great job at paying attention to detail and realism. There are some strange parts like the ones I mentioned, but I can tell you put a ton of time and thought into the chapter. From the oats spilling and the excess of honey in the beginning to 256's hand feeling cold because Carey had the Gift of Fire too and Caleb's face closer to the end, it was very realistic.

    Please forgive my belatedness, I really wanted to read this chapter but I've been really busy lately and it always takes my a long time to comment. Let me know if you have any questions.

    Commented on: December 17, 2014

  • Chris Ramirez: Teenage Crazy

    I'm so sorry this comment is late. I wrote one the other day and I'm sure I sent it, but something must have happened. Anyway, I really like how this chapter allowed the reader to look at it with one of many different emotions; one person could go "Awwww they're so cute!" while another could go "Hahahahaha they're so stupid, what is she doing?" or maybe "It's a trap! Chris, nooooo!" I, personally, reacted mainly with curiosity. It's always fun to see where Chris's quaint whimsicality will take her next.

    I do have some things to nitpick about. First of all, this part I didn't quite understand: [...all the diet sodas and pizza and then the lechon, oh right, I don't live there anymore, the roasted pig leftovers from the last time we felt like having a girls night.] It might be clearer to idiot Americans like me if you break it up into multiple sentences =P

    Also, I felt that the pacing in between these two paragraphs was a little fast, but probably because it's like the third time I've read it:

    ["Yeah? It's Chris." I answered, not bothering to check who it was that was calling me and not caring because who in their right minds would call me?

    I could hear breathing on the other side of the line. Oh noes! Don't tell me it's one of those '7 Days' things. Or worse! It might be a telemarketer preparing to dive into a long speech about why I should buy their fish pen. I don't need a fish pen in my life! And even more, I don't need a freaky nutter calling me in the afternoon!]

    Here's a question without a question mark: [How the hell does he know that.]

    [Honestly, if I looked any harder, I would have seen the billions of germs crawling everywhere, including my nose.] This hyperbole was funny, it just seemed awkward since saying that there's germs everywhere implies that the car was dirty. Also, it reads as if you're saying that Chris's nose is a germ xD I would say "on my nose." It's definitely an understandable typo though.

    I'm still seeing quotations as their own sentences, with periods instead of commas and the first word of their tags capitalized: [“Somewhere. Just be patient.” He replied as he started the car.] {"Somewhere. Just be patient," he replied as he started the car.} Is that an official thing where you live? I just want to make sure because I was taught to only do it the other way.

    Every time you use an apostrophe to make a word plural, a puppy dies xD Marvin's should be Marvins, Frappuccino's should be Frappuccinos, and Xiao Kai's should be Xiao Kais, again unless you guys in the Philippines are like us Americans and use your own grammar.

    The "d" in McDonalds is capitalized, like the G in my last name :)

    Since the chapter didn't work out as you planned, are you going to take out the part where Jason said that he was going to teach her how to America?

    Lastly, the chapter title is misleading, since there's only one beach to my understanding.

    But wow, this chapter was pretty long and probably the most submersive as of yet. I really admire your use of detail, evident in Chris's (usually exaggerated) reactions to her environment and your use of abstract language such as "DSC-RX1r" instead of "camera" and "Nissan Navara" rather than "car."

    Another thing I like is how your humor and style of narration is varied throughout, from the amazing first sentence to that mysterious end where they were about to go to the labyrinth. Parts of the story are references to Chris's life back in the Philippines like when she thought about how Brian always got scrapes, some of it's her way of going about her current life in America like when she was choosing her clothes. Some of her thoughts are embellished consternations such as when she asked if Amber is a Marvin and worried about the consequences, while other thoughts are silly little ones like imagining a leprechaun chasing them and remarking that one of their pictures made it look like they were kissing. Overall there is a lot of flow and every turn in the plot is delightfully unexpected.

    It's cool how you make numerous allusions in your story, such as American and Filipino culture, Barney, Sempai and Kohai, and Minecraft ("Achievement get!"). The way you rely on multiple types of humor such as these allusions, randomness (the good kind), mischief, wit, and exaggeration makes this story all the better.

    Before I end this comment, I do have one question. Are Markus, Jason, and Aunt Shelley white, or Filipino, or what? I like how you leave a lot up to the reader to imagine for him- or herself, I'm just curious about this one thing =P

    Hopefully I haven't talked too much xD Let me know if I missed anything, or if you have any questions.

    Commented on: December 16, 2014

  • Cursed

    Ô_Ô

    This chapter is surely the most surprising I've ever read. Seriously, I would pay a million bucks to see this as a movie. How hard was it for you to write all this? Sure, I think I can see why you don't like the chapter, but the story at least made it one of my favorites. I like the way it was developed, and especially the ending.

    So what were your concerns with this chapter? I have a few comments, though they don't take away from the chapter's quality and I'm partially just being picky. The first one is why Carey was so insistent on making sure that 805 was the one 256 was talking about, and how she knew. It definitely helped create the emotional mood, but it would be nice to know why exactly she acted the way she did :) Other than that the emotions were great.

    There were a few parts that I felt broke the tone a little bit, though like I said I'm being picky:

    [“Okay,” he mumbled, staring at his boots as though they were the most fascinating pair of footwear on the Island.] This sentence felt too long for some reason. I guess it slowed the pacing down in that scene a bit too much.

    [Unlike 256, she did not go to pick it up.] I'm not sure why this sentence stood out to me and I'm being super picky here. To me it seemed awkward and unnecessary, but don't feel like you have to take it out.

    [...Even if I’m angry at first, or something… I won’t stop.”] Janelle's use of the word "something" is understandable since it at times seems to be a verbal tic or something, however it in a way made her words seem less sincere, if that makes sense.

    The last thing that I`m going to be fussy about is the ending, which raised two questions. So Janelle looked away from the guy who was obviously up to no good, when she shouldn't have kept her eyes off him. Why? Also, why did he keep the spear just a few inches away from her face when doing so would cause the thrust to have little momentum, when drawing it back would be more effective? Here's an illustration if it helps 😈-->👱

    This isn't really a criticism but a thought: Do the Gifted and the rebels have different fighting styles? You did a good job with the battle scenes, it's just a factor to consider.

    You did a really good job developing the characters and their thoughts in this chapter. Though it was confusing when Larry I mean Carey spoke up at the meeting, everybody else's actions seemed perfectly natural, even Sam's. 256's feelings probably got worse since he can't back out of it now, and he found out that his former role model "abandoned" his family. Janelle is dealing with the feelings of upsetting Samantha and the thought of "lording" (nice word choice) over everyone, and her trust in Reagan grew. Carey's still dealing with her relationship with 256 (which is still amusing). Hahana is really excited because she thinks 805 will serve her king...xD Anyway great character development.

    I really liked the comic relief with Hahana:

    [“But… 805’s not… I don’t think he’ll agree to help you,” 256 muttered.

    Hahana dismissed his doubts with a wave of her hand. “I will persuade him. It will be easy.”]

    It really makes me wonder how she'd react if they can't get a Gifted/Cursed person. Hopefully they don't become bad guys. Given their knowledge and enthusiasm they make useful allies. I bet it'll be hard finding 805, if he's looking for his deceased wife. He could be anywhere, or might have killed himself if he realized what happened.

    One thing you do that a lot of people don't is make your series easily appeal to both genders through a combination of action and badass tomboys (for the boys) and sensitive, girly boys and sex I mean romance (for the girls). Great job! =P

    My assumption is that Reagan can either shapeshift or control other people's bodies. The way Thomas tried to comfort Sam reminded me of Reagan. I know Reagan said he would talk to Sam, implying he hadn't yet, but maybe he's just covering up. And when he told Janelle that he had to fix things first, then she's understand. Maybe he set her encounter with John so that he could save her, so that she'd associate her discovery of his Gift with something good instead of something bad. Surely she can't die...CAN SHE???

    Anyway, when I said Carey bear in the last comment I was referencing care bears xD Haha don't ask =P I like playing with her name because my sister's name is Carey. 

    Commented on: December 7, 2014

  • Cursed

    Whoa! 256 is going to help them break in! I can't believe it. This is terrible. We all know that Janelle is really the Gifted leader (because the Leader's a female now) and that the Gifted are really aliens with their unique powers and the people from the other worlds are really the Gifted, so technically they're breaking into an alien base and are going to get abducted. Otherwise, yeah I liked 256's part =P

    A few wordings that I thought were awkward, though that may be what you're going for or I'm just being stupid:

    [He was so caring, compassionate, and kind. Carey was none of those things.] You don't like Carey bear, do you?

    [“Um… hi,” he said, smiling sheepishly and averting his gaze.] her* :)

    [..so she sat on her bed and drew her knees all the way into her chest.] That must have been painful.

    [Carey stood up rather quickly, deciding she probably wasn’t welcome with whatever it was Janelle wanted from him.]  [“It looks fine… Not that you look fine though. Except you do. I mean, you don’t.”] There wasn't anything wrong with these - I was laughing a bit too much when I read the second one - it just seems that you could include how Carey came to the conclusion that she wasn't welcome, and why she said that 256 didn't look fine. If that makes sense.

    [Carey grabbed a rock beside her, willing it to fade into nothingness like the rock in Reagan’s hand had the previous week. To her great surprise, it worked.] How did it surprise her if she'd turned her friends invisible before?

    One last thing is that pretty much every character seems to be having problems with confidence. I understand if that's going to be part of the theme, otherwise I feel that it takes away from their uniqueness a little bit. It would be interesting to see one person be all confident and stuff.

    Sorry if I seem a bit negative =P I did like 256's thought process in this chapter, how he feels the urge to support his friends even though he still feels connected to the Gifted. He's taken another huge step towards being a fully fledged rebel, after writing and changing his hair and clothes. I wonder if he's going to change his name, too.

    Carey's part was great too. It's so sad that she thinks her parents won't like her, and that she didn't think much about them. I can't blame her, because she's living an entirely different life right now. It was cool when she made the rock invisible, though. You're a wizard, Carey! Hopefully she can teach herself.

    You mostly created amusement and empathy in this chapter, but the part with Reagan made me even more curious about who he really is. If he's not free, why would he feel se constrained? My guess is that he's a spy, like the Leader's son or something, and feels really guilty.

    Commented on: December 4, 2014

  • Storimhaib

    What? Rabbits aren't rodents?? Wow. I'll make her say "dog-sized lagomorph" or animal or something xD Sorry about all the typos, and thank for pointing them out.

    I'm glad you like the journal part. That was probably my favorite part to write xD I already know what I'm going to do with the history and Gakk so I really enjoy hearing your guesses on what the truth is. I actually got my inspiration for Gakk from this creepy little boy who was staring at people when I went out the other day xD I was originally going to put the islands in the Bermuda triangle but thought that would be too close to land, so I moved it to a more spacious area.

    I know there's stuff in the story that's similar to the Sorcerers of Draida series and Welcome to Aodel. All that's partly coincidental, and partly to see if anyone notices. I'm not trying to be weird or lazy =P

    Hmmm I can't think of any questions, but I'll let you know when I think of some so thanks for offering. Sorry this reply was late, I've had my hands full these past few days. 

    Commented on: November 19, 2014

  • Black Allure:The Beginning

    I like how Arnel isn't the stereotypical heroic, macho male protagonist. His big heart is going to get in the way of their plans though, so hopefully they can still defeat the dark powers, I wonder where the notes are from if the dark powers wouldn't be so direct. If they really are changing their strategies, they might take Arnel and Anira by surprise.

    I do have a few things to nag about. One is the mixture of tenses; some verbs are in the present, and some are in the past.

    Sometimes there's commas where periods should be, like in ["Can we go out?" I asked, I had no intention of gaining anyone's attention.]

    Whenever it's stated that someone is interrupted [I protested but she cut me short.] and [I stopped short because she embraced me in a tight hug.] I personally feel as though it's a bit unnecessary, since you can tell by the dash. Another thing that was used a lot was dialog tags, like "I asked" and "she said" though I'm probably just being picky. 

    I saw the typos "worser" (worse) and "your" (you're). When Arnel said that Sylvia had pity herself, that part stood out to me since that tends to have a negative connotation, and Arnel wasn't being critical of her.

    The last thing is that there's no like button on Sparkatale :) I assume that's from another site?

    Anyway, sorry if I sounded really cynical. I actually really liked this chapter. The forming of the friendship between Arnel and Sylvia was very interesting to read about, and is very important to the plot.

    I like the way they talk, too. It's a bit different due to word choice, less contractions, and directness, but their style isn't incorrect. Is English not your first language, or are you just really good at vernacular? Or both?

    The chapter preview near the end was a neat idea too. I wonder who Brice will be, and how he's related to the plot. It'll also be good to see things from Anira's perspective.

    It's cool how Anira and Arnel have telepathy. I look forward to seeing what other powers Arnel has, and how he'll use them, and get a better sense of how all the characters are related. Arnel compared Sylvia to Anira more than once, making me wonder if Sylvia's related to Anira too, somehow.

    Let me know if you have any questions, or if there's something I haven't covered. Hopefully you've found this comment helpful :)

    Commented on: November 15, 2014

  • Cursed

    Yes! Way to go, 256!! I'm so happy for him =P I wonder what it's gonna be like for him from now on, if he's really over being a rebel. Also I wonder if Janelle made Carey go to see 256, since the older woman was worried about him. Hopefully not, because it was sweet of her to do what she did. I wonder if they're going to give 256 a name, too. I believe you said he does have one, and it starts with a g? Anyway, Janelle told Reagan about Alex! That was pretty intense, because I didn't know how he'd react. These events were a bit repetitive, but that's okay since the ends of each half were so intriguing and unexpected, plus they developed the relationship between Janelle and Reagan and changed 256 so much. I feel bad for laughing at the romantic parts, though I can't help being a boy =P

    I have a bit more to talk about, though I still enjoyed this chapter just as much as the other ones if not more. In the first paragraph I was confused, partly because of the word "village," because I forgot the brothel was in a village. Unless you meant from the village, and were talking about the one they raided. Also, in the third sentence, it looked like you were talking about Samantha even though you were talking about Janelle. I would say "brothel" instead of village and say that Janelle gave control over to Samantha. Though I'm just being picky.

    Something that seemed odd was when Janelle said "He was handsome handsome, while I'm... not." I think maybe "good looking" would be a good gender neutral word ;)

    Later when it said "Her tone was bitter" I thought that was a bit obvious and could be taken out to get the best out of that moment, which was otherwise really good.

    Another thing that confused me was "She swallowed despite the lump in his throat." Why was there a lump in Reagan's throat, and how does it influence her swallowing? xD Also the second paragraph also started with "She swallowed" which seemed repetitive. You can do that Ctrl+F thing to find those.

    When Janelle was telling her story, her paragraphs were each started and ended with quotes, though there should only be quotes at the beginning of each paragraph and only at the end of the last paragraph of her dialog. There was one paragraph that didn't have quotes at the beginning where it should have.

    I don't know if this is just me, but when Reagan "apparently" pretended that he couldn't hear Janelle the word "apparently" seemed strange to me. The sentence would sound perfectly good without it, or you could say "as if pretending."

    Near the end, it said "of" instead of "off" at "take of."

    Carey's dark hair falling over her shoulders was mentioned twice in this chapter, which also seemed repetitive. Though it's funny, because she reminded me of that scary ghost girl with hair covering her face. Haha, get it? Scary, Carey? No? Ok =P

    Sorry for being so negative this comment. There's a lot to love in this chapter too. One aspect that keeps standing out to me, as I've probably said before, is your great use of irony to evoke an emotional reaction, like characters wondering about things we already know and 256 making that decision at the end. His choice, by the way, was very sudden, but the way you wrote that part it was not only realistic but dramatic in a good way. I think that was my favorite part.

    Another thing I like is the characters' awkwardness. Not only does it make them more realistic and make us feel sorry for them, but it makes them more relatable on my part xD Stumbling on words and doing weird things isn't that common in stories, so it's also something unique about yours.

    All the decision-making enhances the story too, because it makes the reader think about what they would do and stimulate such thought processes that make the story even more interesting. Janelle's decision to tell her story to Reagan and make out with him, and 256's decision to change both physically and mentally, are some of the major decisions made that did a really good job of this. That's something I need to do more often, so I admire you for incorporating them into your story so well.

    Your descriptions were pretty good too, like when you described their positions when talking and especially with 256's part, and when he got ink on Carey's face. I couldn't help thinking though, it was very convenient that there just so happened to be a gust of wind to blow his hair away xD Not realistic, but it made me laugh for some reason.

    I wonder who that guy was that Reagan seemed to know. Maybe Reagan knew Alex and Janelle when they lived at the village, and that guy was Alex, and Reagan recognized him.

    Also I wonder what he meant when he said that he knew what it's like to find out someone he thought cared about him was actually using him. He isn't talking about Jan, is he?? I have no idea who or what he could be talking about, so I'm all the more interested in finding out.

    I noticed that the chapters have been getting longer and longer, which is totally fine - I don't even notice it when reading - but it makes me wonder if you're doing it to build up to the climax, or some important, exciting point in the story. What was your favorite part in writing this chapter?

    Commented on: November 14, 2014

  • Storimhaib

    Haha the book would so much better if you wrote it xD I love your theories!

    As for their murmuring, until you commented on it I was sure magic is against Catholicism, but now I don't know =P That's why they were murmuring, because they wouldn't say that they found magic as it's supposed to be against their beliefs.

    I would just like to clarify that by I don't mean to criticize religion/atheism or make anybody uncomfortable. I only included it because it's part of culture/society (the story's central theme, and I thought it's realistic given Berkoz's history) and I wanted to make a point about stereotypes, since it's a satire-ish story. It's also supposed to make people wonder whether the magic really exists, so that the story isn't too concrete.

    Great point about the coat! I did mention that Alan is bigger than her, but in the first chapter she noted that the coat was big on her, because I figured she'd have stolen it from a full-grown adult or something. Though I obviously wouldn't expect you to remember that.

    The horses probably would be bigger, or there would be more. When I wrote it I assumed they wouldn't need to be that big since the engine and stuff would have been taken out, but then again you know a lot more about animals than I do xD I'll definitely make him bigger and stronger.

    Thanks for your insightful comments. I'm glad you found the guide helpful. I'll start reading the new chapter for Cursed right away.

     

     

     

    Commented on: November 14, 2014

  • Cursed

    When I read the chapter, I thought it was okay on terms of length and bandwidth even though it's your longest chapter so far. 256 fell down the stairs and went to his writing lesson. Janelle talked to Zeia and Maui. Event-wise not that much happened, looking back on it, though it felt like more because of all the characters' thoughts. So I personally wouldn't split the chapter into two. I hope this helped =)

    Commented on: November 12, 2014

  • Cursed

    ["...great misfortune,” she said, grinning.] A bit sadistic, isn't she? =P

    [“Anyway, that is what we need you to do,” Hahana declared.] A bit bossy, isn't she? =P

    [...barged into the room as Janelle looked up, dragging Samantha behind her.] A bit violent, isn't she? =P

    Plus, "Hahana" contains three syllables. The chic has eyes. ILLUMINATI CONFIRMED. The island of the Gifted is obviously in great danger. The Gifted and the rebels must join forces in order to defeat the Zeians and the Tarantisians, and any other countries that are spying on them. In addition, it was inferred that Wesley was the brunette's brother, but maybe he isn't since we found him with the archer rebels. I can't trust anyone anymore.

    Anyway, I couldn't find much here to criticize, so I'm going to be a little picky. The first point is more of a cause of confusion: How is it that 256 knocked into Carey, but he was the one who got hurt? Wouldn't Carey have fallen if she was in front? Sorry if this sounds stupid, just...I don't know xD

    A couple parts that I thought were a little awkward were when it read "'Um,' Janelle said" twice on the second half. Also when Julia thought "What's Zeia?" but asked the question "But why?" right after. But as I said, I'm just being picky.

    At one point there were two people's quotes in one paragraph: [“Is it you?” she said breathlessly, rushing over and grabbing her hands. Janelle blinked, unsure what to say. “Err…”]

    Lastly, I noticed that "I mean" is repeated often, not in this chapter but in general.

    Haha I bet you couldn't write a poor-quality chapter if you tried. I really liked the way you lead Julia's train of thought, where she decided to break into the Gifted Library. Not only was it clever, but it means a few things to the future of the story. Reagan's probably gonna have to reveal his Gift, since he's so much better than Carey. Maybe he could even use his Gift to turn parts of walls invisible to see through them, like x-ray vision. Anyway, Julia's decision could be bad if Hahana and Maui are really spies, and they're using them to get information. Also the unexpectedness of it all raised the suspense a lot, and I can't wait to see what happens next.

    You've done a good job with the emotions too. It's really sad that 256 longs to be with the Gifted again, even though they're the enemy. I almost want him to join them again! It was also sad when you used the words "to his dismay" when Carey wanted to talk to him. But I understand how it was because he didn't know what to say. Hopefully their relationship gets better soon. I bet he wants to write a love letter to her, huh? Maybe that's why he was so intent on getting lessons xD

    Sam was pretty intense too, when she grabbed Thomas's arm because it was shaking, and Hahana when she was honoring Janelle. By the way, how did you come up with Hahana's name? I always see it as "ha ha ha" and think someone's laughing =P Well besides that the characterization in this story makes everything interesting.

    It was fascinating to see how Thomas taught 256 how to read and write. It's not something we, or I, think about often. I wonder what his intentions are, and how he'll teach Thomas how to use his Gift.

    I wonder how 256 would react if he heard the Zeians say that the Gifted are really Cursed. That could either help his indecision, or make it worse.

    I likes the bits of information at the end, when they were talking about Zeia and Julia's reactions, and when Janelle and Sam talked about how they met. They've come a lot way since they first met! =P

    Let me know if you have any questions. I hope I didn't talk too much 0_o

    Commented on: November 11, 2014

  • Storimhaib

    I'm glad you liked it =D Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. Also thanks for being honest and thoughtful in your commentary.

    Haha one thing I should be more clear about is that a lot of the stuff in Storimhaib is supposed to be social commentary, like a satire about culture and greed, which hopefully explains why Joy felt like she had to be like the rest of the girls and saw things in black and white. Unless there's a better way to portray that, which there probably is xD Sorry for confusing you.

    I'll fix those sentences and make Queen Isabelle say something more mature. That's going to save me a lot of embarrassment, so thanks! Please let me know in future comments of any ways I can make Joy's narration more girl-ish. Also if you have any theories, as the writer I would love to hear them.

    Commented on: November 6, 2014

  • Black Allure:The Beginning

    What an ending! I can't wait to read the next chapter. Unfortunately I won't be able to read this story as often as I planned to but I'm still into it.

    First of all, I felt as though the pacing was a bit fast at times, like at the beginning of Sylvia's POV when she finished talking to her friends and Arnel immediately started talking to her.

    It's an understandeable mistake, but you don't need to say that Sylvia felt guilty if she says sorry right after. That was at the end of the story.

    We might think that all caps are exciting and show excitement, but I got told off many times for it because some people think it's like yelling. To show emphasis without this happening you could also bold and/or italicize words like in your dedication (that was sweet of you though), the POV and Chapter titles, and the author's note. I would only capitalize the first letters of "Sacaro High School" and use double (") quotes.

    I would also write out the notes that Arnel and Sylvia were exchanging in italics, just to be clear as to what's what, and I would write "Mr." and "Ms." both with spaces in between the title and their last name.

    However I like how you described Arnel and Anira in this chapter. It's nice to get a good mental picture of them. I also liked how your characters have somewhat complicated relationships, like the way Brittany and Hannah reacted to Sylvia, and the whole thing with Aunt Barbara.

    I wonder if Anira and Arnel are really distant cousins. It would be pretty sad, since she's his servant and technically she would have some royal blood, right?

    Also, I'm sorry if it's said this already but where on Earth (I mean that literally xD) does Sylvia live? I know it's not the U.S. since she called math "maths" and seemed to imply that math is usually fun in other classes. The time period would be nice to know too.

    It's interesting that Arnel disobeyed his parents and tried driving. He seems to be a sweet person but at the same time a bit of a rebel. I can't wait to see how the characters develop over the course of the story.

    I hope this comment has been helpful, let me know if you have any questions.

     

     

    Commented on: November 5, 2014

  • Chris Ramirez: Teenage Crazy

    Aww, what a touching chapter. And there goes my manliness xD It was nice to see Christy-Anne Q. Ramirez's "soft side" (though that's probably an exaggeration) through her relationships with Brian and Aunt Shelley. I don't know, she's always been a loveable character with her sort-of tomboyish personality and all but something about this chapter made me like her even more. Like reading about her happiness made me feel happy.

    Please forgive my denseness, but I didn't really get that Chinese joke :O Was the punchline that Brian didn't have another year in school, or was there something else to it that as a maputi (iz dat reit?) I missed? Anyway that's the only one of your jokes I didn't get and think hilarious so I thought I'd mention it.

    After reading the chapter l (that's a lowercase L) have a good sense of time, but while reading it was a bit confusing. At first I thought it was in the afternoon even though it was midnight. Also Chris and her dear auntie managed to warp time somehow because they slept until afternoon, then they went back in time to when they ordered the pizza xD Nicely written, just the order things were said that confused me.

    I like how, while Chris's main appeal was different in this chapter, you still had some of your ingenious humor. I think my favorite part was when you compared the aunt's snoring to a bird chirping with a worm stuck in its throat xD Also sexual references tend to make me nervous but I couldn't help giggling when she talked about being physically active =P

    I also like how you're specific, like saying "sexy Bamboo leather Gucci" instead of purse and "Mean Girls 2"/"Mean Girls" instead of just movie. Also how you use comparisons as in the hyperbole of the aunt's desk having more paperwork then the United Nations and her scream hurting Chris more than "the screaming conversation of Gaston and Mary." It's cool how the style of your story is so informal and fun to read but there's all these literary touches to it.

    The way you wrote the scene where Chris woke up was also amazing. Not only was it original just like the rest of the story but it makes the reader go, "What the fudge is she doing???" xD

    Also I don't know if I've said this before but the way you name your chapters is awesome.

    Are you a Percy Jackson fan, or do they really have blue lemonade in the Philippines? What does it taste like? =P

    Aunt Shelley really does seem like a cool person. Is she based off of the aunt you told me about? Anyway I like her, just like all the other characters in the story.

    Thanks for the dedication at the end. I'm glad I've been some help =) Let me know if you have any questions.

    Commented on: October 27, 2014

  • Black Allure:The Beginning

    I'm definitely reading this =D It has some common fantasy aspects but with its own twist on it. I like how you sprinkled in information about Hemrica through thoughts and dialogue, and left out a few things to look forward to like their physical descriptions and powers. Some description of the room they were in would be helpful to visualize it more easily and there were some typos, but besides that I can't think of anything to criticize.

    I really liked the ending, how Arnel said he wouldn't go. It was very surprising, and shows his feminism. It's going to be really interesting to see the development of him and his siblings throughout the story, and their reactions to life on Earth.

    Commented on: October 26, 2014

  • Storimhaib

    Thanks for the comment! Don't worry if it's been a while, I know you're busy and appreciate the time you put into commenting =D

    I'm glad you like it. I was worried that some people would criticize the realism as through identity crisis and religion since the Queen's looking for magic, so... xD I'm also glad that you think the story itself is interesting.

    You're not being picky at all, haha. Sorry it was so confusing =P As for Alan understanding Aenig, it's because in church they say certain things at every mass so he was able to just find out later. I'll mention that somewhere.

    I would like to ask for your advice on a few things, thank you for offering =) First of all, when should I talk about the history of Beroz? It sort of has to do with the cultural side of the story, but I don't want to ruin the flow. Also, do you think I should have them learn a little bit of Rúsdkotl like with the pronunciation and stuff, or leave it up to the reader's interpretation? Should I include translations?

    Commented on: October 24, 2014

  • Chris Ramirez: Teenage Crazy

    Thanks a lot xD Apparently I was reading this chapter with a ridiculous grin on my face and my older sister was like, "Wtf are you doing, Tibby??" But this is seriously one of the funniest things I've ever read. It makes such great use of randomness, exaggeration, mischief and relatability. I also noticed all the satire and symbolism you put into your work, which makes me appreciate it all the more.

    If there's anything wrong with this chapter (at least the way I see it) is that times it was a little confusing, though it's mainly due to not having read the previous chapter in a while. I was wondering what she was talking about and what the italics were lol. But then I read the whole thing again and remembered that she was talking to that weird group which Markus was acquaintanced with. When she said, "Beso! That's what we call a cheek-to-cheek greeting!" was that was out loud or just her thoughts?

    Besides that, all I noticed was that Chris was worried about Cesson going into a phone even though it had a lock on it. Also I still see typos and tense confusion as well as the dialogue written as their own sentences as opposed to attached to their dialogue tages (e.g. "You don't sound too good, Chris..." He said."). Wow, Markus is God! xD Understandable mistakes though. Sorry that I didn't have much to niggle about.

    I thought the whole thing was hilarious, but my favorite part was probably her reaction when she found out that there were two Owens/Owenses. Was that kawaii anime guy Owen? That part was funny too, the way Chris was thinking about how she would pay a lot of money to see someone adjust their glasses and have the light reflect on them. What was your favorite part about writing the chapter?

    Though the way you split the chapter in two confused me at first and could use a brief explanation it was nicely done. I guess Chris was confused too since she was sick and tired. I love your wording too, and the way you convey Chris's thoughts. Like I said it's relatable even from a boy's perspective.

    Would it be easier to write if I told you little bit about American culture like with the schools? I don't mean to insult your intelligence, just in case there's anything you don't know about.

    Commented on: October 19, 2014

  • Storimhaib

    Thanks, I"m glad you liked it! It's not as humor-based as Hunting Amaatlik but it'll definitely have a little humor.

    Woah your name's seriously Joy? 0_o

    Commented on: October 19, 2014

  • Storimhaib

    Thanks for taking the time to comment! I'm glad you liked it. I haven't written in a while, so I was a bit worried about the quality.

    Your perception of Joy is the way I wanted people to see her, so that's good. She was really just trying to steal food, and grabbed the weapons/other stuff out of fright. I'll add more details further on, but didn't want to load readers with a ton of info on the first chapter.

    Yup, culture is supposed to be important in this story. Please let me know if the words in Rusdkotl gets annoying, I'll try not to write too much of it at once.

    Haha, yeah it's so cool that males are looked down upon xD I can't wait to hear your future reactions, your comments are always as fun to read as they are helpful.

    Sorry if I confused you, I meant to say a wave of fatigue. Thanks for the tips on wording, I probably wouldn't have caught that =P As for why Alan left the classroom, that's part of the culture. The thought is that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink; in other words, you can't force a student to learn. At least that's their mentality. I'll make that clearer.

    Commented on: October 15, 2014

  • Cursed

    What a great chapter! Quite sad to say the least, but pleasant nonetheless. I like the themes (if that's what they are) of having friends who don't trust you with their secrets, and the loss of someone/something you relied on so heavily. There is a lot to be admired in this story, especially the way it's developed.

    Please forgive me if I say something stupid, like wondering why Samantha was upset in the last chapter =P Anyway, I don't have many negative things to say for this chapter. The first thing is a sense of setting at the beginning. I know it isn't essential to what was happening, and they were in a room of the brothel at night, but at first it was as if they were by a campfire during the afternoon. Also, the first line suggested that Carey wasn't feeling well, which doesn't match the rest of the story, unless she said that to explain why she was staring at the fire.

    Another case of repetition is people (namely Reagan) being about to say something but then change their mind. But like the other things repeated, it could be intentional as it creates a sense of unmet anticipation where we readers expected Reagan to tell Janelle about his Present, but he didn't.

    I thought it was a little awkward when Reagan told Janelle that Sam was dealing with something. Did you do that on purpose, making it so that he was trying to impress Janelle before telling her about his Gift (as it seemed like he was about to)? Obviously you know a lot more about psychology than I do, I just wanted to point that out.

    Speaking of that Sam chic, this is just a theory, but is she secretly jealous of Janelle and her relationship with Reagan? I was wondering how he could ease tensions between him and Sam like that...But yeah, he and Janelle are so a thing now ;) And it was hilarious when Jan was like "Are you sure you aren't Gifted?" xD And also 256 thinking that he recognized Sam. That was very clever!

    I was expecting Carey to slip and tell Ms. Sam about Mr. Reagan's Gift, or at least give her subtle clues. I really want them to find out =P He could be so useful to their cause, especially if he helps Carey. The scene where Samantha told Carey that she's bad at making friends was powerful too. The way it was set up and written, I could clearly feel the guilt, awkwardness, and sorrow that the characters were feeling.

    Another part that emotionally stood out to me was the irony when Carey expected to see Marvin but never did. The previous sentence made it even more impactful: "A niggling doubt in the back of her mind told Carey there was something wrong, but she was too excited to care."

    Am I supposed to know what 256 is upset about? I'm only asking because, due to Carey's confusion, I'm assuming that it's more than the fact that he's now half Gifted and half rebel. The way he hugged Carey but then slammed the door in her face was rather surprising, so there must be a lot on his mind. He needs to cheer up soon, and Janelle too. They can't conquer the Gifted or find 805 and hand him over to the Other World people in this state.

    This is just an aside, but unfortunately I do not plan to continue the Sorcerers of Draida series any time soon since it's all based on the poorly written first book. Instead I'll be starting a new, sort of similar book/series which will be a lot more pre-developed. Hopefully it'll be as good as yours.

    Commented on: October 8, 2014

  • Cursed

    Sorry it took so long for me to comment! I've been dying to read this chapter...and I wasn't disappointed =D 256 has really thought this through. It's going to be really interesting to see what he does in the future, especially when he meets up with Carey xD I guess I can't blame him for not wanting to overthrow the Gifted. The stuff he told Thomas was common sense, but the way he said it made it really fascinating. Their conversation in general was nice to read, because it showed their personalities well and their was a lot of emotion, even from Thomas though the focus seemed to be on 256, which was cool. Is that water lady he loved really still alive? It might be fun to meet her. Too bad 256 thought 440 was alive too...

    I hate to niggle, but as a critic I must be strong ;) Two reoccurring actions in this series: loss of confidence, stabbing one's own hand until they bleed, and staring at someone else's eyes. The first one isn't really a problem, the second and third it's not really that bad. Just wanted to make sure you're aware. 

    There's two Australian phrases in this chapter that as an American I don't understand: "as before as before" and to be "able sleep." Some wording that I thought was awkward, but didn't notice until I read it a second time: You repeated "beside" with Carey bear and Reagan, and the innkeeper's strange look could be more descriptive, unless you want to leave exactly what kind of face he gave to the reader's imagination.

    I just realized, that's how Reagan escaped that brothel when he was little, he used his Gift! I can't believe I didn't think of that. Though while his part of the chapter was very good too, I'm a bit confused. Did he know about Carey's Gift? She spoke as though he did. Sorry for not remembering. His emotions were understandable though. It's sad that he's been sad all that time, and his smile was fake. It was funny how direst Carey was with him, but I really want her to ask him for help, because then he won't be "better" than her, but will feel better about being Gifted. Maybe things will change if he saves her live using his Gift or something.

    I wrote "side" in my notes but I have no idea what that means...so the last negative thing I have to say is the end part confused me too, particularly the flow of time when Thomas hesitated to control the fire ball and I couldn't tell if it was night, and turned to day.

    But Thomas is going to learn how to use his Gift! That was surprising. It's going to open up so many possibilities, and I can't wait to read ahead. Hopefully everybody's going to get a lot stronger, physically and mentally.

    Was Janelle upset about something? Thomas was really upset when the innkeeper was rude to her (the part when 256 cooled him down was pretty interesting) and at the end she had red baggy eyes. I wonder if she's still under the stress of being a leader.

    Yeah, also there were a lot of surprises in this chapter. Carey almost cut Reagan's throat, he probably would have let her (?) because he didn't resist, and he's actually having confidence issues. But I must not let my guard down, because his possibility of being some sort of spy is getting greater since he's earned Carey's sympathy. So much mystery! I can't wait to read the next chapter!

    Commented on: October 4, 2014

  • Carriers

    I'm glad I finally got the chance to read this chapter. It was so intense and suspenseful, and I kept thinking that one of them was going to die. I wonder how they're going to do things from now on. They probably won't decide to risk going in a public place again, but that seems impossible. Hopefully Shay and Carson will meet up with the others easily so they can be reunited again.

    I still feel bad saying bad things abut this story, but there are a few of suggestions I have. I really like the emotions in this chapter, like how even Carson and the police officer were scared. Most of the time you do a good job at showing instead of telling, but there were some spots like with Carson and the officer that could be described less directly (in my opinion). You could also make it part of Shay's thoughts, so it would look more natural.

    Two other things that I thought were a bit direct and unnecessary was, like with the theoretical storm threatening to break "and at that moment, it did" and when Shay was waiting for the bullet "that never came." I'm sure other people would be fine with them, it just bothered me because it was obvious that the storm broke and that the bullet didn't come.

    I like the little details, like Shay rather being shot and dying instantly than suffering for days under a tree and waiting for Carson to be all romantic and say that he loved her. Also when she thought of licking Carson's hand, that made me laugh and served as comic relief. It's nice to get into the characters' heads and hear their thoughts like that, especially when they're weird.

    The end was cool too, where Shay was sorry about the cop's death even though he wanted to kill them. It's like she came to the realization that there's no bad guys, just two sides fighting for their own safety. I wonder if this will impact Shay's future decisions the plotline.

    Commented on: September 28, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Thanks for all your comments! Sorry there's no more to read, since that was the end of the series xD In truth I don't know when I'll get the next book out. I have the whole series roughly planned out and know what's going to happen, but I still have a lot editing to do, and owe you an Anonymous reviews. I'll get to it as soon as I can. I've already written rough drafts for the first three chapters, which I call "deleted scenes" because they're too depressing and I couldn't work with them, but I could publish them if you want.

    Commented on: September 24, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Sorry about the late reply. I'm glad you liked it! I tried to make Death/Sadie's mom seem sort of neutral, not really evil but not good. And yes, it would be very cliché if the antagonist said "omg" xD That would be awesome.

    But Xavier is a ninja. That was weird...and Sadie's mom "finding out" that Sadie was born haha.

    I can't really think of any questions, maybe if any of it seemed immature for whatever reason. Also I wouldn't be offended in the least if you saw a way to make something better on terms of quality.

    Commented on: September 24, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Thanks for the comment! I'm glad the fighting was good with the equal roles and all that. I was worried that it would seem a bit too cliched. I'll change the part when Mirg gets defeated, that was a bit weird.

    In Draida, water is thick and opaque like blood, so what Sadie said was appropriate =P Thanks for telling me. That wouldn't have crossed my mind xD

    Commented on: September 18, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    If you like this paragraph, hopefully the climax will be interesting. Most of your questions will be answered by then, like who Joe is and whether they'll sacrifice Calvin. If you like blood you'll definitely like the next chapter ;) I'll make that one fight scene longer.

    Thanks for the comment princess xD There isn't much to say in response to your thoughts and anticipations without spoiling things but they're really fun to read. I look forward to your future comments!

    Commented on: September 13, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I'm glad you liked it! Your praise means a lot to me. I hope the rest of the chapters are just as enjoyable.

    Marisca's pearl is like a wand/talisman. It's nice that you feel bad for Calvin, I thought you hated him xD Most of my female readers do, maybe because he's not as cute and silly as the other guys ;) The male ones like him though.

    Three centimeters are more than an inch? I've been lied to this whole time! Well I'm glad I have a smart person to point out all these mistakes lol. Thirteen is your lucky number??? Bianca would love to be you (though you're right, she should have said thirty).

    Thanks for taking the time to read and comment! I really appreciate it! 

    Commented on: September 10, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Sadly, that was an actual rusdeq. Bianca was a dummy for not knowing they can grab you. I like your thinking though.

    The characters aren't supposed to get the whole deal with Jason being alive or dead either. In real life, we don't always fully understand the problems we're faced with, and I wanted to reflect that in the story. So...yeah. Sorry if you were confused. I'll find a way to let readers know that it's intentional.

    I wrote this book so long ago, I wish I remember why Skylos was sleeping xD That was pretty weird. I think it was just part of the humor. The mood is supposed to be more dark, but there's bits of humor as comic relief.

    This was the chapter in which Michael turned over a new leaf and metamorphosed into Sadie, so hopefully there will be no more gender mix-ups.

    Commented on: September 7, 2014

  • Cursed

    Yay! If only you could see your stories the way I do. This chapter was amazing! It must have been really hard for you to kill Marvin off like that. I was like "Noooo Marvinnnn" well anyway that will definitely change the way Janelle and Co. runs in the future since he was such a good advisor, and if 256's injuries worsen then he's pretty much skrewed =/ His death was pulled off really well not just because of its impact on them, but the way Janelle is reacting to it. Accepting one's mistakes seems to be a big theme in these stories, which I think is original and cool. Also Marvin's death was unexpected because I thought he was a Gift of Water, and would reveal this later on.

    The fighting scenes were really cool, but I have a few suggestions (which is incredibly hypocritical of me lol). One is to remind us of the setting (their house and the rooms in it) and what Gifts the Gifted had so that we readers can sort of foresee how the battle's going to be and incorporate different aspects like how the environment will affect them. What Gift did that one woman have?

    Another suggestion is the tone. For the most part you did a marvelous job at invoking emotion, one tine thing that stood out to me though was when Janelle said "arsehole." I don't know why, but her euphemism made me laugh even though it was a serious scene. It might just be one of those personal things though. Also you can replace phrases like "said desperately" (256 talking to the Gifted woman) with words like "begged," "pleaded," or "insisted" to help bring the scene to its full potential.

    Another teeny thing that stuck out to me was how the young Gift dude was described as "barely a teenager" but you described him as a man...?

    Why did Marvin scratch his throat when he was being choked? Is that an actual thing that people do? Sorry for being stupid =P

    My last niggling is why Thomas would have a coat if he doesn't feel cold. Besides that though, I like you paying attention to detail and the effects his Gift has on his body, also when his hand was warm when he helped Janelle up. I guess his Gift isn't totally useless then. And he's so strong, wow!

    You also used Thomas to season your story a bit by making him do interesting things, like surprising Janelle by popping up out of nowhere at the beginning, smile and joke a little after killing that guy even though it disturbed him, and swearing before going back to 256. They were nice touches to the story.

    I know there's a lot of deep psychological themes here, but do you also use symbolism in your works? Like Thomas's hammer? Is he a Communist? 0_0 No seriously. The young Gifted, the one who got away, I'm wondering if that symbolizes something, and if his escape will mean something in the future. Also 256's thoughts near the end, so it looks like he finally detached himself from the Gifted, he told himself he doesn't want to be part of them anymore. That was as unexpected as Marvin's death, and without a doubt the good kind of unexpectedness. He's obviously still having an identity crisis though, and it makes me wonder what he will see himself as further on, and if he still loves Carey. He didn't think about her much in this chapter.

    Commented on: September 6, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    It's nice to hear from you again =D Thanks a lot for your time, it's much appreciated. Though I understand if you can't comment as often as before.

    I'm glad you liked the chapter. This was another fun chapter to write, like pretty much all the other Underworld chapters. I like your comparison to the weeping angels. Lol the rambling's not a problem xD

    Xavier being embarrassed by Sadie's bad plan, that's either that's an American thing or a boy thing... No you're right, that was pretty weird. And the part with Jason being safe doesn't make any sense at all, sorry about that.

    Hope your week gets better! I look forward to reading some more of Gifted, when you get the time to write another chapter.

    Commented on: September 5, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Sorry if the repetition of blood was gross. It was kind of intentional, to set the atmosphere, and a possible foreshadow that there will be bloodshed in future chapters. Also there aren't many synonyms for blood...are there? =P Oh, wait, there's nine apparently: juice, clot, hemoglobin, cruor, vital fluid, claret, gore, plasma, and sanguine fluid.

    The descriptions were fun to write, so I'm glad they were good.

    The steed thing was weird, and when Sadie forgot how many challenges there were. Thanks for pointing that out. Xavier didn't take off his own clothes, he took of Skylos's clothes. Gosh, pay more attention xD Actually he was about to jump in the lake (to gain Bianca's and Sadie's respect) and didn't want his clothes to get all bloody. Sorry if that was awkward =P

    Commented on: August 30, 2014

  • Cursed

    That ending! For some reason I though it was a bit clichéd, but perfect! So Mr. Reagan is a ghost too. I knew it (sorta) but that was definitely a surprise. To be honest I'm a little mixed about it at this point because Carey lost her originality, and she's less op than Reagan because not only can he be invisible but he's also way better at swordfighting and talking to people (like with Sam at the end of the last chapter). But I'll just have to see =) Haha I'm just thinking back to that moment when Reagan caught Carey spying on him and Janelle, when they kissed. The surprise he must have felt when he just saw a glowing blue figure standing there staring at him xD I wonder why he's so embarrased to have the Gift of Stealth and won't tell Janelle.

    Maybe there's a whole bunch of Stealth Gifts. My little Gifted theory is that all the Gifted dudes started out as clans each having just one of a Gift type, and they fought each other but realized that the Air Gifts are superior so they teamed up and dominated the normal people. But I wonder why they're so mean. Hm. I wanted to look it up on the Gifted wiki but the two Gifted wikis I found aren't about your book. Bummer. You should start one =P

    Anyway, now I shall get to my guilty nitpicking. First of all, I may be wrong, but would 256 realistically know how internal organs work but not know what a liver is? The rest of the detail in that scene, and the rest of the chapter, was great and realistic, I just thought that part was strange.

    Another thing that just felt peculiar to me was how at both the end of the first part and the beginning of the second part someone was running and yelling a name (Marvin calling Janelle and Hahana calling Maui). Does that make sense? The parallelism just stood out awkwardly, it might just be me though.

    Some repetition: Hahana likes to "puff out her chest proudly" and say/do things proudly. That was throughout the story, not just this chapter.

    But no matter how many errors there are, you sense of humor is to die for. I like how it's more natural and adult-like than mine. Mostly it's the awkward moments between Janelle and 256. They do things that I definitely wouldn't do if I were them, but are very much reasonable, so I guess irony is your strength. Like when Janelle was all teary and like, "256, you're not nothing." Not only is that stereotypical, but a double negative too. Also all the observations they were making. And these two quotes:

    [“Anyway, where did you learn to fight, Samantha?” she asked, grinning. “You are very good, I noticed that when you nearly killed me.”] Lol she was pretty enthusiastic about that.

    ["And then, on my fifteenth birthday, my mother gave me a sword she made."] Not something you hear everyday =P

    I also admire the way your dialogue is natural and flows nicely. The topics of your characters' conversations change gradually and are natural, plus there's all the thoughts and actions mixed in. I will always applaud the way you use psychology and emotions in your stories, mainly 256 in this chapter but also when we learned a little bit about Hahana and Maui. Your details were really good too.

    So the Gifted found them, eh? Well, what a pickle they're gonna be in during the next chapter. I wonder what would happen of they decided to let 256 join them again, because that water chic (I forget her name) was slaughtered by the Carey before she could tell them about what he did. And then 256 would tell the Gifted about Janelle and Co. and the things he learned while they where caring for him =P

    So you turned the Leader into a lady? xD I wonder if she's Carey from the future...He/she will be a very fun addition to the future of the story, because as the main Gifted he's pretty important.

    The roles of Hahana, Maui, and Regan also intrigue me. We now know a lot more about them, and I can't wait to find out how they're going to take part in the rebellion.

    Commented on: August 28, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I"m glad you enjoyed it! These chapters were fun to write, so hopefully they're just as fun to read =P It was weird that Bianca slapped her. I guess it was because she seemed to think Sadie thought she trusted Mirg. I better make that more clear xD

    Nope, Sadie will never get any cool moments. She's just the redhead that watched everybody do all the work. You'll just have to wait to see whether I'm lying =P

    Haha I wonder if there will ever be a chapter without repetition. Well I'm working on it!

    Yeah fidis can get married! His parents appeared near the end of book one. But protest anyway, I'd like to see how that turns out xD Thanks for the comment!

    Commented on: August 27, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Thanks for the comment! Lol "girly love," "heartwarming" and "power of friendship" xD Though I guess that isn't too far from the truth ha ha. You don't really like Calvin, do you? ;)

    He did read Sadie's mind, yeah...I'll leave it in then. Glad you thought it was funny =)

    You're a genius! Nobody else noticed the difference between Mary and Marisca. Good eye.

    You make a really good point with the dyslexia, but I think I'll keep it in. Not because of the story's unrealism but because of something I should make clearer. HA and NC weren't supposed to be based off of the olden days but more like modern time but with magic instead of technology. I tried to give hints of Bianca's dyslexia, like her reading the book upside down in the library. Though I should probably work these things out a little bit more =P

    Yeah, pearls don't really look like disco balls. Don't know how Xavier would even know what a disco ball is lol.

    Commented on: August 25, 2014

  • Cursed

    This is in all honesty one of the best series I've ever read, and I wouldn't say that if it wasn't true. I can't wait for the movie to come out. Are you going to get Gifted published, once you're finished editing? The story is very original and captivating, and your knowledge of psychology is a big plus. There's also humor here and there, like in this chapter when 913 and 805 were like "There is so much love in our hearts!!!" and stared at 256 smiling at him creepily, and when Hahana asked what a brothel is. Also when she made Maui carry her stuff, though that's probably a cultural thing.  

    I feel so bad saying anything negative about this story, but there are a few things I must be niggly about and confess. One is 913's repetition of the word "silly" though she only said it three times.

    Something else was when 256 said, "But...why?" after Thomas told him why he never was in the Council. I understand that this part was supposed to be awkward, it's just that it looked like he was asking why there were only one or two Gifted in the village and the last thing he said was "But...how?" I don't know if that was intentional, just thought I'd point that out.

    My last criticism is that 256 was sleeping in his uniform, right next to an open window and there were Gifts patrolling outside. Or at least that's the way it seemed to me. Wouldn't the Gifts have seen him? Wouldn't the rebels be more careful? And even if the window was closed at first, why would 256 open it? Unless it was tinted or something =P

    I really like the dream part at the beginning. For a second I was actually thinking that everything else was all a dream and those were his real parents xD What a plot twist that would be! It also made me think about what 256's parents are/were like. Do you plan to introduce them? The way he was all sweaty waking up and thought he was still drowning, that was a really nice touch too. Realistic and interesting.

    I like how you show 256's being embarrassed by love. When his "parents" in the dream were slobbering all over each other (kissing) and when Thomas asked him if he loves Carey, he obviously felt awkward. The Gifted dude within him is still strong, even though he would make a better rebel. Though, like you said, there's no good and bad sides. Does he dislike the rebels? I know he doesn't totally trust them but it's hard to tell, though I'm probably just being stupid. Or maybe he doesn't feel anything towards them?

    It was wise of Thomas, when he said he was glad that he didn't join the council, to not tell 256 that the Gifted were evil but rather that he wouldn't have met his friends. If he bashed the Gifted that definitely would have broken any trust between the two. The things they tell 256 seem to have an effect on him, even though he wasn't assured by Janelle and Thomas when they said that parents love their Gifted children. I wonder how they'll persuade him to support their cause and help him get over his broken identity as one of the Gifted.

    Hahana and Maui are a good addition to the story. They're unique characters, and change the story a little bit. I like your use of vernacular, like how they don't use contractions and even Hahana gets confused sometimes, like with the brothel. I'm trying to imagine what Carey told Reagan near the end: "Yeah, we tried to kill each other and Samantha almost ripped their guts out but then we were like let's be friends! Yay, we're helping each other out now!" That's not how it went. But, now that I'm thinking about it, I don't want to let my guard down. Hahana and Maui could be hired by the Gifted as spies. Gosh, that would be terrible! 0_0 There's been a lot of surprises in this book, so anything could happen. Like Carey drinking beer (even though she's only 19?) and Samantha being pacified by Reagan. Definitely looking forward to the next chapter! =)

    So Genna, where's the rest of your commentators? They're really missing out!

    Commented on: August 23, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I'm glad you liked it =) Yeah it was pretty cheesy lol. Only because she mentioned love =P

    The pearl was magical, yes. I don't know how it works either. And Selena, yeah. I don't think it's so much she was suicidal, but maybe she just got herself killed, like for helping a human. Though I'm assuming she said she sacrificed herself maybe so Bianca would like her...?

    Oops, more repetition. Thanks for telling me, and for the rest of the comment. I look forward to hearing more from you in the future!

    Commented on: August 22, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Oops, did Xavier ask Sadie (Michael) if she's in love with Bianca? That's not appropriate =P thanks for pointing that out.

    This story is definitely structured improperly, partly because of my changing ideas as I wrote it. Some of the things won't be explained before the sequel, others will. If I continue the series, it might take a while to make it so NC and HA make a lot more sense.

    Commented on: August 20, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    They were acting really crazily, and that was more or less intentional. I'm not very good at drama xD Thanks for the comment! I'll make the changes you mentioned, as soon as I get the chance to edit.

    Commented on: August 18, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Thanks for the comment! Yeah, this was one of the chapters I really wanted to fix but couldn't yesterday. The rest should make sense, they just get a bit over the top in my opinion. I'll do my best to go over them today, but my schedule's been changing so I can't make any promises =/

    That thing with the four people could help was confusing, I would like to clear up that their king was the third person. Yes, Noah planned on getting him to help ;)

     

    Commented on: August 16, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Thanks for the comment! I'm glad you liked it, and that it worked out okay. It's nice of you to get attached to Selena, haha. I'll fix the things you mentioned, of course.

    I'm sorry for not improving the chapters, I never found the time to do so. I realized that I also wouldn't be able to make them much better =P I'll likely have the time and do as much as I can today. I enjoy reading your comments, and if you're enjoying the story then please feel free to start commenting more freely.

    Commented on: August 15, 2014

  • Cursed

    I finally get to read some more, wooo! Sorry I haven't commented in a while. There was humor in this chapter, and it was executed very nicely. You don't usually rely on humor, and you're less direct about it, so when you do include humor it's all the better. I was laughing my head off at various parts of the book, specifically when Janelle was reaching for 256's knee xD I'm glad that you still use logic and reasoning, like Carey helping Maui learn because she's a native speaker, and the humor doesn't get in the way of that.

    There's one thing that I thought was worded strangely but made me laugh. When, in the beginning, Samantha pushed her knife into Hahana's neck. You could also say that she pushed it against her neck. Also, if it's made of diamond, wouldn't it have shattered by now? That's not a rhetorical question, I'm actually wondering.

    Carey has a second Gift. Aye, that she does, and I was very surprised when I found out. But alas, it appears that her second Gift is not the most useful and will not help her as they fight the Gifted. When she used her Gift of Tea to make the cups appear...I mean, it was like "Would you like some tea? Okay, here you go." It made me wonder how many other Gifts she has.

    How did Hahana and Maui get those fancy beautiful bejeweled weapons if they're poor? They said they came from a poor country. Are they royal or something?

    But like I said, the humor in this chapter was so good I was grinning the whole way. Hahana's characterization was great, she seems pretty dramatic, like when she was "worshipping" Samantha, and then looked and Carey and was like, "Eh, you're better than nothing." By the way, I like how she differs from Maui. It seems to me that she is more devoted to their mission, but he's nicer and more laid back, though they are both devoted and nice, and obviously close. What was your inspiration for them? The way things are written also makes it funny, and the dramatic irony such as when Hahana thought that they could just walk over to the Gifted and ask them for help. It makes me wonder what would happen...xD And Samantha wanting to kill the Zeians. That was crazy, but Sam will always be Sam lol.

    Like Carey, I wonder how Maui was defeated so easily even though he has good military skills. Maybe he's just good compared to his fellow Zeians. They were worried about "threat of invasion." Or maybe he's just in love with them or something. He was looking at Samantha with interest in the last chapter and in this one.

    It was wise of Janelly to tell 256 about her daughter. I can't wait to see the effect it has on the lad. Hopefully he'll be less upset, and will help dem rebels. Also the fact that there's another Fire Gift in the house.

    So they need a Gift of Earth that would be willing to help them, eh? It's funny, because they have two Fire Gifted on their side and a Water Gifted (if Marvin is, though surely 256 would have sensed it?) but no Earth Gifts. Oh, wait. 805. Well, I wonder how that will work out for them.

    So Hahana's mom was from the Gifted island! How did that happen? There's a lot more to things than one would think. I wonder how those archer rebels tie into things. Wesley isn't from the Other Worlds, and he was one of them. Also, the Gifted Leader's action is due. He just seemed like an important character. Wesley too, of course.

    Commented on: August 14, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I'm really sorry it's so confusing. It was all written very strangely. I believe Xavier was lying when he talked about the zombies because he's like that, and Amisto doesn't want Sadie to know who the setahr is, which isn't revealed. I have a lot of editing to do. That thing about looking suspicious makes sense, too.

    Thanks a lot for the comment! Don't worry about not commenting in a while, I know you're very busy. Also, if you want to wait before commenting again I can probably make the quality of the next chapters a lot better.

     

    Commented on: August 11, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Originality is sometimes a problem, especially when there's similarities to Harry Potter- which is completely coincidental because I never read/watched it. Please let me know if it seems like I'm copying, and I apologize if anything's really weird.

    It's nice to know that you're liking the story, and I look forward to your future reviews. 

     

    Commented on: August 7, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Thanks for the comment. I'm glad you enjoyed the magic, even though it could be more descriptive. I see what you mean by that.

    I tried not to have any filler in the story, so it's good that it worked. Though at times parts of the plot seem loosely related, so that may be a concern. I'm also glad that Jason has grown on you.

     

    Commented on: August 7, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Nice to hear from you again =) The alternate interpretations were meant to be about what he did to Bianca, actually. What he said about stripping her of her innocence was completely unintentional, though it could help back up one of the possibilities so thanks for pointing that out.

    That's a nice way of thinking about Bianca's relationship with Jason.

    what you said about the emotions made sense. As always that's one of my primary concerns, so thanks a lot for the advice. Ha ha, that eyes thing is so embarrassing.

    Commented on: August 7, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    I'm pleased that you liked the story, even though it's a bit too random at times =P Thanks a lot for taking the time to read and comment, and I look forward to hearing what you think of the future!

    Commented on: August 6, 2014

  • Carriers

    Well that was definitely an intriguing chapter. To be honest I was a bit uncomfortable at first, but that made it more immersive. And it's not like you were promoting teenage drinking as the consequences are/will be pretty clear. Overall I really liked the chapter and thought that it was written well. It was unique in comparison to the other ones as there was a new setting and new thoughts/actions. There were more errors than usual, but probably because you were focused on the plot and I'm sure you would be able to fix them when editing. I'll go over some though so the review doesn't seem empty. I apologize beforehand if I'm being picky or weird.

    The first thing I thought was strange, though it may just be me, was how Shay "playfully" punched Carson. The word choice just didn't seem to match the tone of the surrounding text as she was pretty mad at Carson.

    Sometimes it seemed like parts of the chapter were redundant, though it isn't really a stylistic problem. One example is when Carson put emphasis on the word "awful," which is repetitive because the word was italicized.

    Another part was when it talked about how Shay messed with her hair, and then Carson told her not to, and after that it said that he noticed he was messing with her hair. We were informed of what she was doing three times, and it wasn't that big of a deal-you worded it differently-but if you just have Carson's dialogue it would be less repetitious and stronger.

    At the end a similar but different scene occurred, where Shay thought, Because she thinks it's funny, and right after that the girl said funny as well ("Wow, you're sooooo funny"). It's like she read Shay's mind, kind of awkward.

    The last redundant part that I found was the last sentence: "Chaos erupted moments after." It's kind of obvious, and the way I see it omitting that statement could make the end seem more abrupt and dramatic.

    I'm starting to get confused between Katrina and Kyleigh. Katrina's the wild one and Kyleigh's sensitive, though maybe it's because both their names start with the letter k, as well as their both being blonde and more playful than intelligent. This is just me, I'm not good with names, so I would only consider this if other people are confused as well.

    Now what I'm about to say isn't really criticism but more of an observation. Most of the story seems formal but at times the narration seems to be slightly from the perspective of Shay, and I don't know if this is a typical thing. At times there are a few direct observations, opinions, questions, swearing, and words in the future tense, that aren't inside quotes or italics. It isn't really bad, because it makes the reader feel more immersed and adds to the humor, but I thought I would let you know just in case.

    While there are errors the rest of the story, which is most of it, seems carefully written, and the plot line carefully thought through. Not only is it realistic, but it is also benefited by the little strategic things like Shay staying in the state because, while it would be better to get as far away from the cops as possible, she wanted to stay in familiar territory. The whole chapter was pretty original, or at least it had an original touch to common things, and the end was very tense. I was like, No, Shay! Don't drink! Don't fight with Carson, don't hit the girl, no!!! Oh, you did it anyway... Well, yeah.

    That's it for this review. Let me know if there's something I missed or if you have any questions.

    Commented on: August 4, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Well...you're not stupid, the story is ambiguous. But not intentionally. A lot of people who read it don't really get either that they can't save Bianca, and likely won't- because they knew that she would want them to save Jason first. I didn't want to say that directly so that it would be more dramatic, but it looks like I'll have to. But yeah, they do wish that they could save Bianca, it's not like they don't want to.

    Xavier didn't know that Sadie slapped him until she told him later. And he didn't know who clenched Sadie's fist, so he left that part blank =P Thanks for pointing those out, and letting me know the chapter was misleading. I'm glad you like the humor.

    Don't worry about the break in commenting. I hope you feel better :)

    Commented on: August 4, 2014

  • Carriers

    Since the next chapter is longer I'll only manage to fit in one review tonight, but I'll do another one in the morning. Anyway, this one seemed like one that won't be very significant to the overall plot, unless there was something subtle, or actions will be referred back to later. The action did make it interesting, as well as the fact that she infected two other people and the police are after them, even though it's nothing much new.

    One thing I don't completely get is why Marena was so excited that her best friend was injured, and what she meant by "suicide seat." Her excitement made me think back to the beginning, where you explained that Shay is turning into a warrior and how she wasn't the only one who was changing. It reminds me of Lord of the Flies somehow, I guess because they're kids and getting sort of wild though they aren't that wild yet in Carriers.

    This is another chapter where the italics were undone, so all the thoughts are in regular script, if you were not aware of that.

    Also, I was a bit surprised to find that Marena was also in the bathroom. It's a minor thing, but made me wonder if I skipped something.

    I like the way you showed the girls' anger towards them. Only a really furious person would charge at someone with a gun and yell at them the way she did. Your description is also really good, and the conversation Shay had with Carson, especially when she said that they were avoiding her like the plague. Another thing I like is how your action scenes have a mental aspect as well, so that they're not just punching and shooting each other but we also get to see what's going on in their minds, particularly Shay.

    I anticipate a lot of change over the following chapters. It looks like some of it is slower, some really fast. I wonder how much the other characters will be involved, and if any will die off, and what they will deal with in the future, though I'll have to read on to find out.

    Commented on: August 4, 2014

  • Cursed

    Holy cows! Sometimes I wonder if you're really J. K. Rowling or something, this is such an amazing story and it's written so well. The plot is especially cool. So Gifts are really curses/Curses? 256 was right when he thought that, huh.

    It's bizarre that the man and woman were looking for "Cursed" people. It looks like they're on the Gifted's side, if they were looking for them and apparently adore them or something, though I guess they could be with the rebels.

    Yeah, it looks like there's all sorts of people visiting the Gifted island, unless the two people are in the same group as the one Wesley joined. Maybe they're fighting the other foreign guys, and want to help the Gifted defeat them.

    I wonder what makes them Cursed, both on terms of who Cursed them and what's bad about being Gifted/Cursed. Maybe it's a Curse because it's making them fight each other the way they are and the government is all corrupted.

    So Samantha and Carey went to the oceanside village as a mission, but also to take a break? At first I saw it as just a mission, and was confused as to why Reagan and Carey made Samantha go, and why she would want to go (even though she didn't). That might just be me, though. If not maybe you could illustrate it as more of a leisure thing earlier on, because whenever I think of their missions I think of something serious. But, like I said, it might just be me.

    What made her think of 256 at the beach? Did he just pop up in her head? Was it her loneliness? Also, I would like to know whether Carey put her shoes back on and what the time gap is between this chapter and the last one.

    The detail was good in this chapter overall, though I'm not sure what the weapons look like. Are they just a sharpened stick and a bow, both with red jewels in them? What kind of clothing did the man and woman wear? And the man's hair was long but tied back in a short braid, I'm not sure how that works. Lastly, what was the loud thud Carey heard? Was that an arrow?

    I like how you think of pretty much everything. It seems like common sense, but all the things the characters do, like leaving their weapons to avoid suspicion and Carey not rushing into their abandoned house shelter, could be easily overlooked. It's nice detail, too. Carey's not using her Gift instinctively was another one.

    It was nice to meet some characters with a different culture, and Carey's reactions were interesting. You wrote that part nicely. I can't wait to see what other new things they experience in the future, but of course I don't mind waiting if chapter uploads are slow.

    Commented on: August 3, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I tried to make Bianca's wake-up moment sort of complicated, hopefully it's realistic and not confusing. The chapter after the next one, 24, may be very confusing because it's supposed to be interpretable in different ways, so please let me know what you think when you get to that chapter.

    Huh, as a stereotypically stupid American I never knew a leafy sea dragon wasn't a sea horse =P Well, you learn something new everyday. Thanks for that information, and the rest of the comment.

    Commented on: August 2, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Yeah, NC is so messed up XD Sadie's secretly a romantic, but everybody thinks she's a boy named Michael. And she was writing a lot in the beginning. I'm glad it's understandable, despite those mistakes. Thanks for the comment, I look forward to seeing more in the future. 

    Commented on: August 1, 2014

  • Cursed

    That was another good chapter, I don't see what you were worried about it. Though you may have changed things when you edited it twice the other day. Carey's half here was definitely focused on Samantha.

    The only thing I'm wondering is why Miss Carey would still cling on to the hope that 256 would still be alive even though Marvin told her that he would for sure perish. I would just take that part out, because why would he empty Carey's bucket like that if he was going to heal him anyway? Or did he get the idea later, when he read the book? I guess that's the answer...

    But it still makes me wonder how Carey knew that he was wrong, and that 256 wouldn't die. Is that what you said the problem with the chapter was? I suppose Carey could convince herself that Marvin couldn't be certain that he would die. Sorry if I'm missing something and you have a solid reason for her thinking the way she did.

    Something else is what 256 is thinking of Carey. I'm not trying to criticize, but it might be nice to have a better grip of what he thinks of Carey and the position that she's in. He at first thought they were lying when they talked about Carey, then he was disgusted for caring about her, then he was upset about her being "gone." Where did he think she was? Yeah, she was away, but...huh. I don't know, I guess he was confused at the time, and not thinking clearly, so this is just a little suggestion.

    Samantha's scene was great (holy cow, she punched the Reagan!) but I'm going to raise some points there too. She mentioned Alex. How would Reagan know who he was, or did he learn Janelle's story somehow? Or was she sort of speaking her thoughts? I was also confused about why shy would say the more formal "Alexander" instead of just "Alex." Darn, that Alex. He abandoned Janelle, got Jason killed...We have to do something about that guy. Are you going to kill him off or should I? =P

    Yeah, also, was I supposed to get what Reagan was talking about before Sam gave him a punch? I feel like I should, because he was like "I've seen the way you blah blah blah" and I'm guessing that Sam is in love with her bro Tom. She was upset after Reagan mentioned something about her and love, and Carey was like, "She must be upset about Thomas." Also, she was really concerned for Thomas and stuff, and normal siblings don't care that much about each other.

    Anyway, two more details that I want to niggle about. One is why Carey ripped off her sleeve for Reagan's nose. I understand that she wants people to like her, and doing something for him isn't the problem. It's just, how much clothes would she have? And it gets cold where they live, so...yeah.

    The last thing is a repetition thing, and that's characters devouring their nails (though you say "bite" or "nibble"). Both Carey and 256 in this chapter, and at least Jake in Day and Age.

    Your feelings and dialog were very natural though, and fun to read. I like how you included little, realistic details, like 256 going, "She thinks I have a number...I mean a name." You also did a good job at describing indirectly, like when he thought, Why is she looking me at that?

    It's interesting how the different rogue Gifted have different ways of thinking about it. Thomas is like, Oh, whatever, I can't let this Gift ruin my life, and he's pretty cheerful. At least he was, before Sam left. Carey and 256 both felt like they lost something, but 256 was more self-sorry and it was a personal loss, while Carey sorta felt sorry for everybody else as well, thinking that they would hate her, because of their different personalities and backgrounds. And Marvin...I don't know how he feels, but I don't think he's too upset about leaving the Gifted because he was young. But he remembers what life there was like by the looks of it, and I'm guessing that he might refuse to fight the Gifted if he relates to them more, like he did with 256. Of course, that's only possible if he's really a Gift of Water, but it's pretty much the only possibility.

    I wonder, if he really was a Gift and not a servant, how he got away from the Gifted peoples. Maybe he...uh...killed them. Or maybe the story was actually pretty similar to the one he told Jan, with Rosa saving him.

    proud Samantha. Something is bothering her, surely it's more than Thomas's injury because he's healing. And Thomas was upset as well. I wonder why, it's all very mysterious.

    Reagan has always been mysterious. I think he's holding back anger or some other nasty emotion, because of his hurtful comment to Samantha paired with a calm nature. I wonder if he and Samantha knew each other in the past.  

    Sorry for talking so much, there was a lot to comment about. If you're still having doubts about this chapter and the previous one or have questions let me know.

    Commented on: July 31, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Thanks for the comment! Ha ha, it will be interesting if it suddenly becomes a zombie apocalypse story. Then Bianca would be fighting herself. I think.

    The towns aren't really separated. I'm assuming you got that impression because Draida used to be separated due to the Forrest of Nightmares, but it was un-cursed and people can go to and from now. I'll make that clearer in the story.

     

     

     

    Commented on: July 30, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    This is the chapter I was worried about. Sorry if you didn't like it. Sadie was supposed to have a different impression on the reader, coming off as more of a mean person, though she was a male character when I wrote that part. I really dislike the chapter but want to see what you think after reading a few more of her chapters, and to get some more opinions, before making major changes.

    I don't know why Sadie's realization was so sudden, or why Amisto made her live alone. There isn't a lot of realism in this story, unfortunately. I'm thinking that Sadie ran away, or living with him for too long was dangerous or something.

     

    Commented on: July 29, 2014

  • Cursed

    I love it! There's so much emotion and drama, and you pulled it off well. I bet that Marvin guy is a Gift of Water. So smart, aren't I? It's so exciting, and I can't wait to see what happens next. The ending was very cliffhanger-y, and the halfway point too...like, wow.

    Most of my criticisms are about wording. One is you talked about Carey and the word and proving twice at the beginning.

    I've talked about this before, but transitions between settings is still a minor problem, like when Carey's bed was seemingly right at the top of the stairs. But while I've seen it happen several times in your stories it isn't a typical occurrence, and I'm not sure whether it's really that bad.

    Carey biting her lip and the metallic taste of blood filling her mouth, I think you've already described that several times. I've seen that a lot in other books too.

    Two things that Samantha and Carey said that seemed strange: when Samantha said that she's good at being insensitive, and when Carey said "It was." Samantha's phrase was awkward because it doesn't seem like something to brag about, and Carey's because, while I knew that she was talking about 256's "death" being her fault, it somehow looked like she was talking about something else...if that makes sense. I guess their dialogue is more natural if that's what you were doing, but thought that I should mention it. There are more, little errors like those ones that I didn't mention, but if you want me to point them out for this chapter and from now on I would be happy to.

    The scene with Carey and Samantha was good and I could feel their emotion easily, but it felt fast paced and brief. Normally I would think that it was just me, but I usually read as slow as a snail. The sentences were long, so maybe if there was more description in that scene. Unless it was supposed to be brisk like that. I don't know, because I'm not you. Or you could get rid of the first part when Carey thought about how Thomas was going to live, but 256 would "certainly" die, so that when she thought about it again in the inn it could be more impactful.

    But! I just uttered about description. Your description before the part where Carey got mad at Samantha had really good description. I really liked, for example, how you described Samantha's beer and Carey's beef stew. You used personization, simile etc. and yeah. Not that the rest of your descriptions aren't good, but I particularly liked that part for some reason.

    It was funny when Ronald Reagan jumped up on Carey and Samantha like that ("Hi!"), like he did in Gifted. You did a good job of keeping everybody in character, like with their habits.

    Whenever Carey Bear thinks about whether 256 is alive, I just want to shout, "HE'S ALIVE, CHILL OUT DUDE!" at her in an Australian accent. Though it would be sad if he died before they meet up. I doubt that though. Maybe they're going to have a romantic moment, like Janelle and Reagan.

    And Carey briefly started to lose her suspicious in Reagan, when she was like, maybe he isn't that bad after all, huh. Kind of like Janelle, and maybe Marvin. He's gaining more and more of their trust, and if he's evil then it's going to hit them harder than it would have before. I'm wondering if anybody has connections to the other, foreign rebel group, like Wesley. Oh! Wesley! He makes me wonder too.

    My last observation is that Marvin and Janelle look like they're going to be gentle with 256, because Marvin could relate to him and Janelle felt sorry for him, not wanting to be cruel like the Gifted. And 256 is likely going to be retreative (disclaimer: retreative is not a word) because he was scared of them. I wonder how he'll act, and what the characters will do in the future. Also what the rebels will encounter on their way to their base, if they encounter anything.

    Commented on: July 27, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    The last name thing was a joke, I honestly I didn't think about it being only for nobility. But, you'll see.

    Those weird things Bianca said are embarrassing. Did I really say herd of chickens? XD I guess it adds to her character though.

    You're right, she did practice magic as a ghost. I don't know why she said that.

    Thanks a lot for the comment. Let me know what you think of the next chapter when you read it (please), I'm kind of doubting that one =P

     

    Commented on: July 27, 2014

  • Cursed

    Sorry about the late reply. Is the chapter number in Gifted important? In HA and NC the numbers both signify something from the story, and I don't know if the number 43 means something in Gifted. Besides that, your story is pretty long, but one more chapter wouldn't make much of a difference in my opinion. If you want a happier, more energetic ending to Gifted I would recommend moving this chapter back. However, one thing to consider is that this is also a good first chapter. It does a good job at pulling the reader in, not only because of the emotion but you had a good beginning: both intriguing and giving us a good sense of the situation she was in.  So if you want to move this chapter back, it might be good to have something similar in the new first chapter for Cursed.

    Ha ha, rambling. Whenever you say that I think you're implying that I talk too much XD Sorry if that's the case. If not, I really don't mind if your replies are long.

    Commented on: July 26, 2014

  • Cursed

    That ending. It was like, he's so going to die. Wait...never mind. False alarm. It's all good. It was pretty crazy, but I like that you made Janelle say, "He doesn't look like he's dying to me." Those words made me think Wait, what? and slowed things down a little bit so that the scene, and its change in mood, wasn't too rushed. Anyway, I'm glad 256 is going to live. If he is. I shouldn't make quick assumptions. This chapter was a very pleasant read after the gloomy ending to Gifted, even though the girls were getting in their silly little scrabble. Reagan'll fix that somehow like he promised. They're getting stronger, and at the moment it looks like everybody's going to be okay.  Though, like I said, things might change later on so I better not jynx it.

    Onto your comment: One thing confused me was how, in the beginning, Janelle felt guilty for illegal possession of a right hand =B :

    “'Hi,' she said awkwardly, waving. She withdrew her hand quickly, realising she probably shouldn’t show off the fact she still had a right hand."

    After reading it a few more times, I know it was because Thomas lost his own right hand, but that was really weird to me at first. Though it may just be me.

    Why is she sharing a bed with Marvin and Reagan? Wouldn't she share it with Samantha? You know, someone who's the same gender so it isn't awkward? Or am I missing something here? (That's probably the case.)

    My last niggling for this chapter is stating the obvious, or things that are simply already known. It most certainly isn't a common problem problem for you, at least not a noticeable one, but when Janelle thought, "He wanted to tell me something then, too" It seemed redundant, and when you leave things like that unsaid it makes us come to the conclusion to ourselves. The story is more powerful that way. But like I said, it isn't a worry throughout. Parts like the one with right hands was a bit confusing for me at first, but did a good job at showing and not telling.

    I like your attention to detail, including but not limited to Thomas apologizing to Janelle for her having to see his stump, and Regan limping (I forgot about his foot).

    Reagan and Janelle kissing...that was probably my favorite part XD As a boy I'm not very romantic; it was more the element of surprise that got me, and what their kiss symbolizes. Janelle finally let go of her suspicion and trusts him now. It was a little funny when Reagan was like, "What, didn't you want me to kiss you?" I like his characterization, because he could be either friendly or wanting to take advantage of Janelle, it's hard to tell. Or maybe he's 256 from the future =P

    I also like Janelle's characterization. She isn't your typical kickass female leader from the movies, with an emotionless/apathetic personality, an abundance of confidence, and short hair. At least I don't think Janelle has short hair. But she's less tomboyish than fictional female leaders that I can think of. She's kind of soft. Buuuuut she does have inner courage because otherwise she wouldn't have been able to made the decision of sending her friends away from their injured loved ones, Thomas and 256.

    I think that it was really jerky of Samantha and Carey to be nasty at Janelle, and feel sorry for the rebel leader. It wasn't her fault that they had to leave a little bit earlier than planned. Though I did think for a second that Janelle would kill 256, the way she said that he would lengthen Janelle and Marvin's stay if he got better. Don't think Carey would want to leave him in her hands.

    I wonder what Reagan wanted to tell Janelle twice but immediately changed his mind on both times. Maybe he wanted to tell her that he's actually the Gifted leader, and was manipulating her so that he could gain control of the rebels and defeat them from the inside out, but loves her so he wants to spare her while he slaughters all the other rebels.

    And 256's recovery was odd. It's like he was hydrated by a Gift of Water or something. I don't know how else he could have gotten better so quickly. Maybe he's secretly a sponge in human form and just soaked up some cold water to hydrate and cool down. Maybe Carey got it for him.

    Commented on: July 25, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    You raised some interesting questions. Yeah, looking back, this chapter doesn't really make that much sense. I'll try to clarify some things:

    Meeting Dorian was random, like pretty much the rest of the story. But he is kind of important, but I don't know if his role is too weird. I don't want to spoil anything though. I also realize that it was weird of Liz to suggest poisoning him, that's part of it.

    Amisto watched Sadie full time first, I think she was a few years old, and when she got older he only checked on her occasionally. As shown in parts like when Sadie broke his crystal ball at the beginning, they're close but tend to fight a lot.

    Liz kicking Sadie out of the house was more than a bit strange. And dangerous. I don't remember why I made that happen. Maybe she sent her into the backyard, or just told her to leave the room and Sadie misinterpreted it.

     Oh yay, the sequel to Gifted! I'll start reading it tonight.

    Commented on: July 25, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Yeah, a love triangle would be very annoying. Almost as annoying as that sentence I wrote, with a lot of people in the library. Ho ho ho (that was hearty laughter). I'll change the other things too.

    I'm assuming the reason they were surprised that there was a kid in the library was because everybody else was older. I'm not sure whether the library would have a lot of kid books. But I'll say that when I edit.

    Thanks a lot for the comment, it was thorough as always. I look forward to your next one in two days or so. Hopefully you like that chapter.

     

    Commented on: July 23, 2014

  • Day and Age

    The man and woman who were staring at them made this chapter very intriguing. My guess is that they're 1)Emma's real parents, 2)Dan's friends which he hired to stalk them, 3)government agents who know Emma's secret, or 4)Jake and Emma from the future. Sorry, I had to say that last one.

    I noticed that a few times in the chapter two paragraphs were combined, however that may have happened.

    One thing that happens often, and may or may not be intentional, is people not noticing things, not understanding, and being confused, particularly Emma. If that was intentional, it does show her naivete and dreaminess.

    This chapter had some rough transitions, like in between the walk with Dan and Jake's apology to Sarah. It isn't that bad, but it might help if you said "after school" or something to make the transitions smoother.

    Sorry if this seems picky, but when the man was staring at Emma, it looked like you said that he was smiling predatory, and "predatory" isn't an adverb, though I'm just being silly if you said that he was being predatory.

    Besides that, the characters' emotions are shown well. You did a god job with showing and not telling, like when Hannah was upset that she couldn't go to the zoo. The way you described her reaction was nicely written and made me laugh.

    I know I say this all the time, but the psychological portion of the story is amazing. Sarah always makes me shake my head in wonder, and Jake's thoughts are both realistic and original. He still kind of reminds me of 256 from Gifted, but he's his own character. I'm glad to start seeing some of his strengths, one being that he is good in school. His lack of self esteem reveals why you didn't familiarize us with his strengths earlier on.

    The chapter had a happier tone for the most part. Dan's arrangement to get them to go on a little date at the zoo lightened the mood, and Jake had some gloomy thoughts but also some good ones, and he's back with Sarah. I sort of feel happy for him.

    There's a lot of mystery too, like with the man. The fact that Jake ran into him (literally) but didn't get to straighten things out made it all the more dramatic. And that lady too...what's up with her, huh?

    Commented on: July 21, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Sorry about the late reply, and for not commenting on Day and Age. I've been rather busy lately.

    Yeah, I've been told that the pace is kind of slow. I'm not sure whether what will happen soon is something big...I don't have a very good sense of bigity. Could you please let me know after a few chapters? =P

    Sadie's weird, so as to why she didn't question who Mary was, well. I thought she did so I guess I'll have to change that. She was suspicious but didn't want to upset Bianca, I guess, because they have to work together. I should make that clearer and work it out some more.

    It was also weird that Bianca talked about Mary. Gosh, this story is so weird, isn't it? It was just a slip of the tongue, though I could fix that too. And you're right, they aren't really magical.

     

     

     

    Commented on: July 21, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I see what you mean about the transitions. She was trying to distract herself from painful memories, but it could be more fluent and realistic. More descriptions would be good too, and "you guys" probably is an odd thing for her to say. I'm glad that didn't distract from the storyline too much.

    Have fun in school, and good luck getting back in the swing of things. I look forward to your future comments =)

     

    Commented on: July 20, 2014

  • Day and Age

    Aaahhhh so he didn't remember that whole experience. I like that, because it makes me wonder how things are going to go back to being all supernatural and stuff. I thought she was going to switch bodies with Dan for a second. Maybe...oh! Maybe she's being weakened, like with the heavy bags. Healing Jake could have weakened her. That's my guess. I wonder why she was so nervous.

    One thing that befuddled me was Hannah and Bridget, when they were first introduced. I wasn't sure whether they had white hair too (it's blonde, right?) and some physical descriptions might go nicely there. Also, the words "other girl" confused me because that was the first time you mentioned Hannah in this chapter, so I thought Bridget was the one who looked a few years younger than Emma. I had to read that several times to understand what you really meant.

    I didn't really get the part before that, because it looked like they were walking after lunch, but then they got up to walk over to Emma's family. Were they walking on their bottoms? Is that how you do things in Australia? I know some people walk like that here in America. It really gets on my nerves, grr.

    One other thing I don't really understand, though I think I was just reading it wrong. Was Dan the leader of their little trio, or was it Michael? I couldn't quite tell when you explained that, in this chapter or the first one.

    There was no swearing in this chapter, even though it was an odd one. I expected Jake to spit out his tea and say something like, "Ugh! This tea tastes like sh*t!" Wait, are there tea parties in Australia too? And you call cookies biscuits?

    I like how you convey Jake's character. It's very realistic, like when he said that he didn't want to interrupt the women. By golly, you write your characters so well! I also like the little details, like them getting the same things for presents but Michael getting blue ones and Jake getting something of another random color, and Jake saying that he was sixteen when he had just turned seventeen. And there was humor too, like when Dan was teasing Jake about his relationship with...um...what's her name again? Oh yeah, Emma. His relationship with her. I like how you have some comedic relief so that it isn't gloomy for the whole story. And it didn't clash with the negativeness either.

    It hasn't been revealed whether Bridget knows about Emma's powers. I don't think she does, because I don't think they would have been so trusting of Jake and Dan. If they knew surely they would be more protective.

    It's interesting, it seems to me like Hannah is to Emma what Michael was to Jake, the energetic sibling of a quieter, more awkward one. Though Hannah and Emma aren't twins.

    Commented on: July 19, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Thanks for the comment! I'm glad the humor works out. I was so embarrassed before it made me cringe looking back at it.

    Sorry for missing all those errors. I mean, I left them all in there so my chapter wouldn't be too perfect =P Yeah, totally. And Sadie was without a doubt clearing Joe's throat.

    Speaking of the Sadie, her life spared wouldn't make Bianca mad in itself, but it was kind of unfair to her that Joe would let Sadie go just because she talked to him, while Bianca didn't get to talk. I think, or something like that. Also, both girls think that they have more motivation to save Jason than the other, and therefore are more important in their quest. Does that make sense or should I make it more straightforward?

    Commented on: July 18, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Did I forget to say that the bones were really small? They grew as the orisk formed. That's how they could fit. Though I don't know why Bianca didn't recognize it. I guess it looked like Skylos had taken some bones (because he's a dog) and kept them as treasure, gilding them to make them more special or something like that.

    You aren't reading too much into things, I'm glad your comments are thorough (and fun to read). You've mentioned a lot things that nobody else did. I dismissed some but most are understandable. Thanks for the comments, and have a good day.

    Commented on: July 17, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Looking back, I wonder if I ever revealed who Mary is. Oops. I'm pretty sure I partly did. I'm going to shut up because I don't want to spoil anything.

    I hadn't thought of the ending that way, huh. I guess it does look strange, like  Sadie's saying something something the reader didn't know. It was supposed to be a presentation of conflict or whatever. Though the use of "middle of nowhere" twice probably threw you off, so I can't blame anyone for finding that weird.

    Commented on: July 17, 2014

  • Day and Age

    Um...okay. This was a rather quaint chapter. Emma is no longer dreamy and passive like she was before. When she slapped Jake/Jacob and screamed at him, I was like...woah, what was she eating? Taught me not to judge an Emma by its cover. Somehow I feel like she's going to turn into the main character, because she's the one that made a mistake (switching bodies with Jake) and is trying to save him. Or did she save him already? Anyway, it's kind of like The Great Gatsby if it's from the perspective of someone (Nick/Jake) who isn't the main character (Gatsby/Emma) though I'm guessing Jake is still the main character.

    Near the beginning, it seemed a bit typical when Jake shivered out of fear. I don't mean to be all naggy, but do people do that in real life? This isn't against you, but I don't recall reading about a character in any story shivering out of only fear and not cold, as opposed to both...eh.

    I don't know if I was reading this wrong or what, but I was confused about a few things. At first I didn't get that Jake turned around after going to the door of his first memory, because he went to the end and he was like, Maybe there's something farther down. Something I still don't understand is what Emma was talking about, what Jake had to forget. Them switching bodies, right? And that memory's door was open, for some reason I thought it was closed, even though Jake said they were all open... Oh, and how did the fact that Emma ran faster allow them to get to the one door sooner than Jake would have if he tried going there alone? Did she drag him, carry him, pull him in a sled?

    Anyway, holy ship! Jake and Michael had a baby! What a plot twist! "He smiled as he remembered that scene, similar to the many, many fights he and Michael had had during their child." I think you meant to say childhood.

    Besides that I think the corridor thing was a very neat and interesting idea. It was cool how the doors represented memories, and some were locked because he couldn't remember what happened, and some were open because the memories were easy to recall. I bet there was a whole lot more symbolization in it that I missed, like why they were fast. I also liked your simile with the brain and the fan.

    It's funny, if I were Jake I probably would have fallen back asleep. It's good you were smart enough to make him not do that, because it would indeed scare his parents. You do a good job at paying attention to detail.

    One last thought. If Emma obliterated the door that had that memory, and the white streak of hair went away, did she make it so that the switching body thing never happened? Ooohhh fancy. You're a wizard, Emma!

    Commented on: July 17, 2014

  • Carriers

    I'm glad that I finally got to read this story some more. I would read more than this one little chapter if I had time. It was an enjoyable read, like a cooldown and collection of thoughts from the previous chapter.

    It was curious how Shay has clashing emotions, that part of her knew she wasn't a killer but she still wasn't convinced. I liked that, though it was confusing at times (for me), such as in the second paragraph. It felt like the different sentences had a tone separate from the rest, if that makes sense. In the first sentence it talked about how she didn't have mercy, but that she needed to kill the three men. Then the second sentence talked about how she was emotionless, which I thought was a bad thing because she didn't feel sorry for them. And then it talked about how the other Carriers were in awe...? Sorry if I'm talking nonsense, but if you want to show her mental strife it wasn't that clear to me, at first. Then again, that's probably how Shay felt (confused) so if that's what you're going for, cool.

    Another part I would change though: "Tension was still rigid in the air- she could sense their trust had been bruised, but bruises fade." I would make the last three words in a separate sentence, because they sort of contradict the tone of the rest of the sentence.

    I take back what I said about descriptions; you have a really good way of wording things, which I admire. There were three little things though that I would like to mention. One is that in the second paragraph you said "then" and "than" in the same sentence, in a way that I found awkward. It might seem less so if you say something like, "It was a different story now."

    In the fourth paragraph (starting with "She took in...") you wrote "hazel" twice and Marena said "owe you a thank you," both of which sounded peculiar.

    Besides that, it was very well worded. I like how you described what a killer is. The whole thing was carefully thought out as well, as shown at the end. I wouldn't have thought about why they chose Kansas would be the starting point of the plague, even though it was an international project (which makes me wonder if the scientists belong to any particular organization[s] though it probably isn't very relevant).

    It really does suck for them that they would have had to be Carriers anyway, because the blue plague would have come to them through an infected person. So many what-if questions come to mind, which helps to make it all the more engaging.

    Commented on: July 16, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    In the last chapter they were on the docks. I'll consider making that clearer.

    You're a sadist for laughing at their demise XD I guess it's not the most immersive chapter =P Maybe it's my writing style, and me trying to write something serious.

    Ha ha, the way Bianca phrased that it did look like Skylos was a god or something. And it's hard not to be cliche when you're talking about hands, huh? Thanks for mentioning those errors. I checked the chapters and fixed a lot of things so they would be of better quality when you read them, but like I said I'm pretty bad at self editing, so... =V

    Commented on: July 15, 2014

  • Day and Age

    Whaaaaaaaa??? This chapter was so weird! In a good way. So...yeah, I'm starting to see the supernatural part. Don't think I can relate to Emma anymore XD That was a joke by the way, I don't relate to her.

    It's weird, Emma is obviously supernatural. I think Jake (Have I called him Jason before? Sorry if I did.) ahem Jake and Dan are too, because they teleported to the nurse's office. It's a little thing, but I find it strange when you don't mention people changing location, even though it's obvious. Sorry if that's picky.

    This is also picky, but something that's a bit overused (in my humble opinion) by many authors: people clutching things so hard that their fingers turn white, as Jake's moum with the steering wheel. I can't say I haven't done that myself, but thought I would point that out.

    The doctor dude had his title written out as "Dr" without the dot. I don't know if that's a typo or if some people write it out like that. Also, someone once said to not ever use bolded text except with a title, like with Emma's thoughts in Jake's mind. Wait! I know, it's hard to tell who's thought is who's in such a case. But I personally felt that it was easy to tell given what they said. Jake wouldn't tell Emma to calm down, or apologize for letting Emma do whatever she was doing.

    One last niggling. This story isn't very realistic. If it takes place in Australia, wouldn't they be speaking Australian instead of English? =V

    I'm not going to go into great detail as to why I like this chapter so much. It's mainly how it's realism and pays attention to detail but is very original. (It's getting more and more original every chapter.) I like how you pay attention to things like Jake's loss of weight, and his thoughts are natural. It's also very dramatic and tense. The way Jake's sweat was "dripping from every pore of his body" and Emma's tears falling on him made it interesting, to say the least. It was nice too, because Jake and Dan got to talk things out and feel better.

    Yup, this is an odd chapter and there was exactly one swear word. I'm telling you, if you make Sarah swear at Jake in chapter five (labeled chapter four, the pedestal one) then I think there will be one swear word in every chapter =P She could say, "Get back you little bastard!" and shake her fist at him. It would add even more to the drama =P

    I was surprised to learn that Dan was Asian. Not to be racist or anything, but the name Dan sounds white. It was a nice way to indirectly describe your characters though. 

    "Your body can't handle my mind, my power...It's too fragile." That was a bit conceited of Emma. Did she call Jake stupid? XD Anyway, it shows that she recognizes that she's "special" and knows about her power. Though how she got it is still a mystery. She could have been born the way she is, or maybe someone with the power switched bodies with her like she did with Jake. It also shows that what she has is more of a gift than a curse (this all reminds me of Gifted) or at least she sees it that way. I can't wait to see what's so special about her. So far all I know is that she turns people the color of bird poop =P

    The way Jake keeps fainting, I'm thinking he's some kind of pokemon. It makes me wonder how much he's going to do that in the future. Another sign of weakness, it is.

    Oh yeah. I was going to comment on Jake's temperature (39,39.5) and say, "Blasphemy! That's not hot, it's inhumanly freezing!" I thought you got it wrong for a second, but then remembered that you Australians use Celsius =v

    Commented on: July 14, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I'm glad you liked it. I don't want to say much because I don't want to spoil anything, sorry if I did that before.

    I also apologize for all the missing names, descriptions, and realism. I'm about to self-edit, hopefully I'll catch a lot of mistakes in future chapters.

    Thanks a lot for reading, I'll get to a chapter of Day and Age later tonight.

    Commented on: July 14, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Sadie does act different after losing Jason. I guess what she said didn't really make much sense. Also, I'm nowhere near as good as you are at psychological stuff so let me know if something isn't realistic. That and you know more about girls than I do =P

    Thanks for telling me about the repetition. That does seem a little annoying.

    You're not being over-analytical or rambling. And definitely not scatter-brained, as saying "anyway" so many times makes every comment look organized XD

     

    Commented on: July 13, 2014

  • Kingdom Shifters

    The skipping around is really confusing. It has this sort of exciting, fast-paced feel to it, I guess.

    I can't believe I forgot about the book circle =P Since there's two more people now, do you still want to do that, and we could do our comments/reviews then?  

    Commented on: July 13, 2014

  • Day and Age

    After reading this chapter I was like, wow. This is awesome. Especially the end. It was very dramatic and a lot more original than the beginning. I love it. Oops, sorry, I forgot you don't like short sentences.

    Anyway (two of us say that word too much), the part with Jake's dud (mom=mum, dad=dud) was interesting. It added a little depth and character to the story. I thought that, in the paragraph where you talked about him could be a bit better though, maybe with a better transition between Jake going to the bathroom and and saying that the dud was always a rather jovial man. I feel picky saying this, and I likely am just being picky because his loss of joviality (holy fish, that's a word???) was due to the seriousness of the situation. But it might seem more fluent if you said something like, "Before Michael died, his father was always a rather jovial man..." Sorry for talking too much.

    One more thing: Emma is dreamy a lot. That and she does things dreamily. I know that's what Jake said to himself, and I'm not trying to plagiarize his thoughts or anything, but you use those two words a lot. Is that intentional? Seriously, I guess you could be suggesting that she has something to do with dreams. Maybe Emma isn't real or something, and those who felt the loss of Michael are experiencing some sort of...yeah. That and there's no synonyms of "dreamily" on thesaurus.com, and the synonyms for "dreamy" are pretty weird.

    Sorry for rambling, ugh. When Jake had that dream at the beginning, it reminded me of how Sarah asked in the previous chapter about Michael's bad qualities. Michael seemed a little mean in the dream, pushing away from Jake and calling him stupid. Maybe Jake thought of him as perfect before he died, but afterwards he felt like Michael left him, or could have done more to prevent his own death, and started to see the darker side of his brother. I don't know if that's right, but it's so...deep. I feel sorry for Jake if he has to see his brother that way. I like how you focus on Jake, and give us peeps at the feelings of other characters but only small ones. It's much more easy to read about a single main character at a time when there's so much emotion.

    I was confused when Jake left his bag outside before going into the library. Why? Did you have to do that at your school? Wouldn't the bags (backpacks?) get stolen? Also, why do a lot of people write, for example, P.E without a second dot at the end of the E? Sorry for asking so many questions, I'm just wondering. 

    But I digress. So, Emma and Jake switched bodies? Then Emma could be any random person. Maybe Emma isn't really anybody, but a body that multiple people occupy. Like Michael. In the dream, Jake was like, "I thought you were dead!" and Michael was like, "No. Why would I be dead?" Of course that doesn't completely make sense because her personality is different.

    I'm trying to think about what else Emma could be *gears turning* I haven't guessed that she's an alien. I don't know...

    Okay, one last thing and I'll shut up. Sorry for talking so much. Do you want me to comment on the edited version of Gifted or something? I was going to read it again anyway. Just wondering.

    Commented on: July 12, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    They don't know whether he died, but it sure looks that way for them. It's not supposed to be clear whether he's alive or not.

    When you say that you're dumb, are you being sarcastic? XD I was confused too, at first, and I was the one who wrote that. Hellhounds are related to the underworld and the dead, as are zombies/ghosts, so they have that in common and are expected to know stuff about each other. At least that was Sadie's logic.

    They probably would move Jason over to a safe place, yeah. That certainly makes a lot more sense. Their actions could be a lot more realistic too. Thanks for telling me.

    Commented on: July 11, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Sorry the story is a lot darker than HA. I used the humor as not just a genre, but as a way of conveying emotion. There's still a little bit of humor though.

    I see what you mean about the descriptions. The repetitiveness might have been part of the humor, but I might get rid of it. This chapter isn't a very good place for humor, and it isn't that funny.

    I think the ground was loosened by Jason's spell or something. I'll mention that. 

     

    Commented on: July 11, 2014

  • Day and Age

    It was nice to get a taste of Jake's awkwardness. Up until now, we only knew because Jake and Michael thought about it, but in this chapter it was shown through his interactions with Sarah, Dan, and Emma. I felt for him when that happened, when he felt angry at Sarah, guilty for yelling at Dan, and awkward when staring at Emma and having those weird conversations. I also can't help feeling sorry for him, because he's starting to be separated from those he loves. Though he doesn't love Emma (yet) so maybe they aren't splitting apart.

    Jake told Sarah that Michael wasn't "anything of those things." Was that him being awkward or is it a typo?

    I was wondering why you didn't say the name of the drink that Jake and Emma were talking about. Ginger beer, right? It seemed strange, but was there a reason for it? Also how the cafes (I'm too lazy to put in the accent for the e) don't have names. Not necessary, and you don't want to sidetrack, but it might be a nice detail.

    Something else was how Jake had that conversation in his head, and it was in italics, but you wrote it like you normally would. I don't know if that's how it should be written, but it was weird to me.

    Lastly, Jake was confused several times in this chapter. It shows something about his personality, but you could use other words like puzzled or not understanding.

    I talked about how there's no mean people, but maybe that person is Jake. Great plot twist! Well, he was kind of unintentionally mean when he yelled at Sarah and acted self-absorbed about missing Michael even though everybody else felt the same pain. He thought that nobody else cared about losing Michael, like his parents at the wedding and their friends at the party. It's cool that the protagonist isn't a completely great person, because he has room to grow. It's been almost three months since he lost Michael. That was nicely revealed when Emma talked about how they had been out multiple times. And when Dan said it at the ball.

    You also conveyed Jake's personality well through his losing weight and cutting his wrists. I realized that cutting his face is like him cutting Michael's face because they look so much alike, and hating his own appearance is like hating Michael's appearance. Maybe that's another reason he changed to his wrists.

    It feels like Jake and we are going to find out Emma's story any second now. She, like, teleported to that cafe (again too lazy) to get that ginger beer. I wonder if she's embarrassed by her powers, because of the way she acted. Also, if she likes the color white, and if she's related to birds, I wonder if she has white poop. Sorry, that was probably inappropriate.

    There was no swearing in this chapter, breaking the rule of one word per every other chapter. That isn't very fluent so maybe you should make someone swear in this chapter. It could be Sarah, swearing as Jake leaves her room.

    Sorry for babbling. One last thing: Shall I comment daily or every other day?

    Commented on: July 10, 2014

  • Kingdom Shifters

    I love your descriptions in this story. It paints a clear image in my head, and is also easy to read. You seem like someone who is really good with their words.

    It's hard to tell whether Kyto and Porfiro are human. It hasn't been revealed yet if humans have unnaturally colored hair and can use elemental powers. Not necessarily a bad thing, as it's all part of the atmosphere of mystery. The next chapter is longer so I hope some of the things are cleared up then. Also, I wonder what the two guys were doing on that beach. I imagine they traveled there, because they thought the water looked weird so it must have been foreign to them. That and they're fighting people, ready to take on the dark wyverns (not sure whether that, and "wings," should be capitalized).

    In the first paragraph, it should be "maroon-colored hair" with the hyphen in between.

    The beginning of the second paragraph should say "'A bit, yes,' replied Porfiro..." with a comma and lowercase r.

    I just realized how few chapters this story has, so it would be unfair for you if we do chapter-for-chapter reviews =P You don't have to review if you don't want to.

    Commented on: July 10, 2014

  • Kingdom Shifters

    Oh, the wraiths have their own kingdom? Or did wraiths claim it? This story has a mysterious feel to it. I also wonder who the main characters will be and when they will show up.

    The Lone seems old and weak now, because you described his fingers as brittle, but it's obvious that he's still in power. My guess is that he's like a skeleton or something. I wonder if he's finally going to help get rid of the Corrupt Ones, or if he's making the humans do it themselves.

    So far the way you describe the Lone is pretty cool. It's interesting how it can see farther than a human can, and the description of its robes was nice.

    I think the semi colon in the second paragraph could be turned into a comma. In the cyborg's dialogue, the h should be lowercase because it's a continuation of what he was saying before he hesitated. I think you would put ellipses there too.

    Starting new paragraphs at the start of someone's dialogue would break it up nicely, and maybe the Lone's thoughts at the end. Speaking of its thoughts, I would make them in italics, but I don't know if that's necessary.

    So far this story is really interesting =) I'm going to read one more chapter today because they've been rather small.

    Commented on: July 10, 2014

  • Kingdom Shifters

    What an interesting prologue. I like how you made it nice and short, so we readers don't feel overwhelmed. As for the plot so far, it isn't the most original one but it seems creative enough. I wonder about some of the terms you used, like the Lone, halflings and the powered, also what life is like in the Seventh Universe.

    "Every human, halfling, powered, and electronic feared for their safety and lives" (2). This makes it seem like they all have more than one life =) Unless they're all cats, I would change it to "All the humans, halfings, powered, and electronics feared for their safety and their lives."

    "The Lone, was what it called itself, and it declared itself to be a savior, king, the one" (2). It might look better if you put the word "which" before "was" as well as take out "and it." Maybe say "a king."

    Commented on: July 10, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Oh...yeah xD Thanks for telling me, and for reading! Do you want to trade critiques, or are we just gonna read each other's stories? Which one of yours should I read?

    Commented on: July 9, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Aw, you flatter me xD I'm glad you liked the chapter. It was one of my favorite to write.

    It's interesting how you related my story to Frozen xD I've never thought about it that way. Bianca does resemble Ana, and Jason that other guy.

    That ant thing is pretty weird. I never thought about it like that. Maybe the potion improved his eyesight, or he was dribbling and some of the potion splashed on the ants making them bigger.

    Ha ha, Alex 2. Thanks for catching that.

     

    Commented on: July 9, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I'm really glad you like the chapter, and Bianca's character. Someone said she was stupid, and I felt kind of guilty.

    The potion did make Jason stronger. Alex wasn't completely lying when he gave him it.

    I don't know why so many people say "you guys," I don't even say it much. Thanks for letting me know about the repetition.

    Bianca guessing her age does seem weird. That might have been part of the humor because nobody else mentioned it. I'll see what others think. 

    Commented on: July 9, 2014

  • Day and Age

    Emma's a bit of an odd ball. I think I can relate to her the most =P No, she's strange in a good way. Her back story is highly anticipated. Maybe she lost someone, like Jake, because she's lonely and thinks all life is important. I wonder if she's tied to Jake somehow, and is her whiteness signifies something. Is she human? Also the way she held the milk box (ew, mint-chocolate milk?) was interesting. I'm assuming she kept it because it symbolizes her coffee date with Jake and is like a memento. I like how she was standing on the steps, and everybody else was trying to get around her.

    What did Jake mean when he told Michael's ghost that he only makes things worse, talking about social situations? I mean, he made his friend smile out of gladness. I might have missed something there.

    Jake thanked Emma a lot, I don't know whether that was intentional. He must be really grateful for her and her actions. But he was still toying with the idea of suicide, as shown before she asked him if he was lonely.

    Like in Gifted, the thought processes and all the psychology going on is fascinating. I really enjoy reading Jake's thoughts as the way he reacts to the world around him and his brother's death is compelling. If anything they seem a bit scattered at times, like at the end, when you talk about multiple things at once like how he was lonely, and Emma was also, and he enjoyed being with her. Sorry if I'm not making sense.

    I can't wait to see what happens next. I'm assuming this story is called Day and Age for a reason. Perchance time travel is involved. But that's more sci-fi than supernatural, so maybe it's just about time. Eh.

    Emma was looking at the Swan River. Swan's are birds (no kidding), like magpies and ducks. I'm even more convinced that Emma has something to do with birds.

    Commented on: July 8, 2014

  • Carriers

    This chapter was awesome! I can only assume that it will change the way the rest of the story works. Shay's friends are all horrified of her because she killed three people, so there will probably be a lot of tension. And when everybody finds out about that a fifteen-year-old girl single-handedly killed three government agents, people will likely fear them more. People won't hesitate to kill them like the agents did, and will work harder to do so.

    I'm not feeling very cynical about the chapter. Just something that was a little vague: How did the agents take Jaycee, and why only her? How did Katrina, Laylia, and Marena know about it?

    Regardless of what I've said previously, you do a really good job at descriptions. I have yet to be confused again. I also like the details, such as Shay struggling to get out of bed. It made things interesting, maybe a bit realistic and even funny.

    The plot was well done. It was good that Shay didn't kill all three guys at once. Well, not good for her, but it was good for the story as it kept the tension in the air. I thought one of the Carriers was going to get shot and die, like they did in Shay's dream at the end. The second guy almost got Shay, and Carson had a close call with the last one. I like how one of the agents said that he didn't need to touch Shay to hurt her, when Carson told them not to touch her. The fact that they were going to kill him first to torture her added a lot to the emotion.

    My guess is that they won't be able to make many stops anymore, only when they really need to. I thought they were out of money, but then Katrina had that twenty dollars I wonder how she got it, and if Laylia's really going to use it for herself instead of for the whole group. Like Shay thought, they're family now. Them betting on Shay and Carson was pretty funny, but such behavior could tear them apart in the future. I'm not asking for spoilers, by the way, just revealing my thoughts on the chapter. As always let me know if there's something I haven't covered or if you have any questions. 

    Commented on: July 8, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Strange, your comment didn't show up through my inbox. Anyway, I thought you said Sadie is your favorite color =P The chapter was darker as a reflection of her personality. I tried doing that for the rest of the characters' narrations, hopefully it worked.

    Sorry if things are really confusing. I might put in something to remind readers. The setahr knows all the different types of magic, while the Head Mage focuses on just one (Amisto on mind magic). And while the Head Mage is like the mayor or something, the setahr is a people's person. He raises the town's spirit on times of trouble, helps them with their problems, and goes on the really dangerous quests/missions. The new setahr is mentioned, kind of indirectly, and you meet them sort of...but they don't play that big of a role once you find out who they are.

    Sadie had learn magic before, yes, and you see her using it later on. Though a lot of it was Amisto's as he lent some to her as well. I should probably go into more detail about what learning magic is like, because I never really thought about it.

    In America, some transparent balls aren't transparent, men call girls "my boy," and we say casted. Since I"m lying, thanks for catching those. 

     

     

     

    Commented on: July 7, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Love is probably more related in this story. But I wouldn't say it's a love story. It's nice to know the plot is interesting.

    It should indeed say "Sadie and I." Amisto was providing power to both of them, and stopped after they finished the mission.

    I guess Jason likes saying magic. Though I agree, that is way too many times that I said magic.

    From an American perspective, British people definitely say mum, and we hear it that way. And Jason lives in the country based off of America. It's interesting that you see it that way.

    I don't know why Broton is it's own country. I think I was 16 or something when I wrote this...like HA, it was written a while ago. The Broton thing bugs me too. Something else is that in HA I mentioned real-life countries, as a reference, so that'll be a pain to fix =V All the countries are made up, but based off of real ones.

    Jason should have blue eyes, sorry if I said they were green.

    Commented on: July 7, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Thanks for the comments. Don't worry, I don't think that they're of bad quality. Maybe it will be easier as you read on, if that makes sense. Feel free to say whatever you like. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapters, and that it brings up some thoughts.

    I see what you mean about the point of view, and the protagonists' lack of awareness. It was a little silly of them to do that. I'll see if I can work it better.

    Thanks again for reviewing, I appreciate the time you put aside to do so.  

     

    Commented on: July 6, 2014

  • Day and Age

    After reading this chapter, my mind was literally blown. Yes, literally. You must really find psychology interesting if you could come up with someone as brilliant as Sarah. This chapter definitely had a lot less expectedness than the previous two, and I really enjoyed reading it.

    I noticed some similarities between this story and Gifted. Jake sort of has the appearance of Carey, with the tan skin and brown hair, but I see him as being tied personality-wise to 256. Sarah could represent 805. Both Jake and 256 talked about how they didn't want to forget, 256 not wanting to forget about Carey. Sarah and 805 told the teens in their respective stories that they weren't supposed to forget. Interesting.

    Unfortunately I do have more negative things to talk about, but they aren't all necessarily bad things. One is something I don't get. In the beginning when Jake put the bandage on his face, you talked about him not wanting his parents to see that he was scratching himself. How would they not notice when they saw the bandage, or would they think he got injured in some other way?

    Fine, I'll admit it. I have problems with Jake's "mum." Two in fact. First of all, it should only be capitalized if you can replace "mum" with her actual name. Let's say that her name is Bob. You wouldn't say "his Mum" but rather "his mum" because you wouldn't say "his Bob." Also, this might be a personal thing, but I wouldn't say mum/mom in formal writing.

    It's a bit thought-provoking that Emily and Emma have such similar names. I figure Emily won't be mentioned again, though it was still slightly confusing.

    Speaking of Emma, the fact that she doesn't speak often makes me wonder what her voice is like. It's a little thing, but I thought I would say that.

    Everybody in this story is SO FREAKING NICE is a mean person too much to ask for? Someone to add to the drama? It might be me, and maybe there's a bad person somewhere (like a protagonist). I'm just saying. Sorry if I sounded harsh.

    Ha ha, so far in every other paragraph there has been exactly one swear word. I don't know what you have going on there, or whether you remember. Also, there was a time where you combined two paragraphs.

    But as I said, you must have put a lot of thought and research into this, especially the dialog. And Jake's actions are really specific. His question was so interesting, when he asked Sarah about who to blame. It was a nice detail that she couldn't answer, and I like how she told him that. She's a nice lady.

    If what you said is true, and people react to grief in different ways (I'm no psychology expert), then I don't think I can say whether he and the other boys are acting realistically, but so far no concerns there.

    Besides being Michael or an angel, I'm thinking that Emma is either a ghost or a bird person. A ghost because she tried stopping both Jake and the magpie from dying, is almost albino, and acts mysteriously. A bird person because she was deeply concerned for the magpie and likes ducks, also because she seems shy. Unless, similar to Jake, she just likes animals, and the only animals in Perth are ducks and magpies. But then there's also the fact that she wore the school uniform and had a backpack and musical instrument.

    Gosh, sorry for saying so much. I'll shut up. G'day =P

    Commented on: July 6, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    It's funny, I didn't think about how they couldn't see her at the funeral. I guess she controls who sees her or something. As a ghost she does eat and feel pain, because she got the privilege of staying at the relative place of her death (or places where people teleport her, like with the amulets). I should probably mention that.  

    Thanks for the feedback on wording and all that. It's something I wish would be mentioned more, because having it in the story can be pretty embarrassing.

    I'm glad you liked the chapter. I can't wait to see what you think of the rest.

    Commented on: July 6, 2014

  • Carriers

    That ending! "May God be with you." It's like they're blessing the enemy. Because of the ransom and everything it's getting harder and harder for our young heroes as they escape impending doom. This chapter is so far my favorite, because a lot happened (especially compared to the rest of the story) and the scenes were very gripping. The suspense was built up well, from the bathroom scene to the part with the part at the motel. It slowed down a bit when it turned to the part with the news, but it was still good.

    I have a few negative comments, but they're mostly me being confused about something, or a misunderstanding. One is Shay's thinking about how she didn't know the pain that their victims went through. If I remember correctly, which I do, they felt the pain when coming into contact with the virus. Unless...was that a different feeling?

    For some reason I was under the assumption that the infected die in only a few minutes or so, but I guess not. There must be a lot that I, as the reader, do not know yet on terms of what it's like to be infected. I wonder how long it takes before they die, and if there's any other symptoms. This made me think, how did they get the virus in the first place if it isn't airborne, and they weren't touched or anything?

    There were two phrases that confused me, such as this one: “'People are going to die whether we like it or not,'” Marena spoke up, her gaze on the vehicles that sped past on the interstate. '” It almost sounds contradictory, talking about how they're going to die but also making sure they don't die. I think the wording could be different. Also when Shay said, “If you got up at five every morning you’d understand.” She got up early but Carson didn't?

    I like how you included comedic relief again, like with the lady at the motel and how you said that the reporter stuffed the microphone into the doctor's face. It wasn't too direct, so it wasn't out of place in a story as dark as this one.

    You do a good job at making things naturally imperfect. It would have been upsetting if they found a nicer motel to stay at, or if they hadn't infected two people. Also the way Shay almost shot the lady when she was only firing a warning shot.

    There's a lot of surprises too. I thought Shay was going to kill the lady at the motel, her pulling out the gun was insane and unforeseen. I didn't think that she and Marena would infect two more, and that so many people would already have the virus in them.

    I'm curious about what Shay and her friends are going to do without the thirty dollars and two pennies. (That was a great detail, by the way.) Something tells me that they're going to turn in the less pleasant ones, like Katrina and Laylia, in order to get enough money. Betrayal would be an interesting aspect, I don't know how cliched that is. Maybe there's going to be a sort of haven for all the Carriers, like a base where they can hide and be safe from everybody else. I don't see how the main characters can survive the way they are for too long. 

    Commented on: July 4, 2014

  • Day and Age

    Yes! Jake has more characterization than in the last chapter! I understand that the focus was on Michael then, and now it's on Jake. Anyway, now I have a pretty good grip of all the main characters. Unless that term also applies to the girl and others. I wonder who the girl is. Maybe she's Michael's ghost, or a guardian angel or something.

    I understand if some boys hug each other and stuff. Maybe I'm just a cruel, heartless fiend who has no sense of affection. I don't want to be niggly about things that I find strange about Jake, or things that make him seem "girly." I can't relate to the situation he's in.

    [a few hours later] I can't think of anything to complain about, except for one thing: The story is original, and I can assume it will get to be more so. It's just that a lot was expected, like him not being able to keep his emotions in, almost committing suicide, and being stopped by Dan. I don't know, it might just be me, but I think the story could benefit from more surprising events that make the reader do a double take and wonder if they read it write.

    Overall I really liked this chapter. The beginning and end were particularly done well, because of how you worded it. I like how he has different thoughts, like being peaceful in the morning, then shocked when he thinks he sees his brother, then upset, and depressed, and angry, etc. because this way he isn't monotonous. The whole time I was wondering whether he was going to break, even though I knew he was going to eventually.

    I was a bit confused about some things, but that's because of the different culture. It confused me that summer ends in February there, and Jake saying canteen instead of cafeteria (that's a cafeteria, right?). Do you think there's anything I need to know to better understand the story?

    Hmm...I was discussing this with someone else and it made me curious, did you use the five stages of grief in your story? I don't know how realistic Jake's actions are on terms of his reactions to Michael's death, I was just wondering.

    I wonder what Jake's going to do in the future. He promised he wouldn't try jumping, so I assume that's out of the question. I guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out, and I look forward to doing so!

    Commented on: July 4, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    No, you weren't the only person who thought it was out of place. I want to change it. Thanks for the suggestion.

    Sorry, I wasn't implying that you implied anything. I was talking about Bianca's character, and a reader's first impression of her - which you have yet to make =P

    Commented on: July 4, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Haha, Jason and Co. Yeah, he should start his own company. When I edit the chapter I'll include something about Sadie's being brain-controlled (if that's a word). I figured she was extremely embarrassed about everything and didn't want to mention it.

    I'm glad the end was heart-warming. Hopefully it wasn't so heart-warming that you got heart burn.

    Calvin, Xavier, and Bianca were very important characters. Unfortunately they all die in the next book. It's called The Necromancer's Curse. No, I won't spoil anything for you. Sorry...I had to say that. Anyway, speaking of Bianca...You're right; I should mention her relationship with Jason more. Also, she's an odd character, and because I had more experience with writing when I developed her, she learns and changes throughout the story like all characters should (there's a lot of change from now on). So please don't call me sexist. You'll see what I'm talking about. I don't want to spoil it.

    What do you mean, the sequel? You still have one chapter to read. Chapter 31. I'd get to it if I were you ;)

    Commented on: July 4, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    I'm glad you liked having Amaatlik's story again. I was wondering whether repeating it was a good idea.

    I'll make Jason get injured in the fight, and tell him it was your idea. He probably won't be very happy with that though. And sorry about all the repetition.

    You're not stupid. I'm just really confusing. Sadie's position isn't that clear, especially in these chapters. Her inactivity is to make her stay jealous at Jason, because he has all that power and gets most of the attention.

     

    Commented on: July 4, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Wow, you've been busy =) Thanks for all the comments! I looked at the chapter and I don't know what brush is. I think it's like shrubbery or something...Yeah, I'm just as confused as you are. And there were a lot of birds =P I'll make the bird thing less repetitive.

    I thought the chapter would be more suspenseful the way it is, but obviously not =V Where do you think I should move it too, like in between what two chapters?

     

     

    Commented on: July 4, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Oh no. I thought it was understandable that Sadie didn't...Tell me if Sadie's role in the next chapter doesn't make sense. (I hope I'm not spoiling anything by saying that.)

    Amaatlik's Kiltaama joke was to make him seem apathetic, because he was joking around in such a sad chapter. Glad the emotion worked, by the way.

    Though I will make the sentences longer. It's strange, because in the book I'm writing right now all the sentences are the opposite; way to long. I think it's a matter of formality, where more less formal books have shorter sentences and vice versa. But I may be wrong. Either way I'll make those sentences longer if they're distracting, so thanks for pointing that out.

    Commented on: July 3, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    I'm glad the mental fighting worked. I'll wait to see what you think of the actual physical fights. They tend to be rather strange, in my opinion, though it might just be me.

    Repetition is both one of my biggest pet peeves and my biggest weaknesses, which probably isn't very fair. "Evilly" and "i.e." are things that show up too often in my stories when they shouldn't at all. Thanks for finding those, and let me know if you see them again.   

    Commented on: July 2, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    No, Calvin isn't evil. I'm not spoiling anything when I say this, but that was the magic of the Sea of Despair, which they just so happened to be in. It made them all sad and stuff. I don't know how clear that was, but I'll make a note or something.

    Is there really a similar journal in Harry Potter? I keep accidentally putting in references from it that I haven't even heard of, because I didn't read the books or watch the movies =P As for the writing, bolding and underlining is a good idea, but I think I'd rather put a symbol in front of Jason's messages (>). And she didn't fully trust the book. You'll have to wait for the next chapter or the one after that. Their being influenced by magic may need to be clearer and more natural.

    How Jason sunk is a mystery. I know that them humans make a habit of floating in water, so blame it on the magic of the Sea of Despair. I'll fix that, and the awkward wording.

    Commented on: July 2, 2014

  • Day and Age

    It's funny how almost all your characters are boys, even though you're a girl =V Oh well, I'm sure it will even out with that white-haired girl and others. I highly respect how you're writing a story with main characters of the opposite gender. Like I said, Hunting Amaatlik used to be basically all guy characters. Anyway, sorry for rambling =P

    There were several places where you said Michael instead of Sadie =P Just kidding. Hmm, this story also had a sixteen-year-old character named Michael. Makes me wonder...Sorry. As I wasn't saying, Michael is obviously a role model or something for Jake. I'm guessing that he isn't the most social person, but way more so than his brother. However, the way he and Jake were singularized (is that a word?) as "the twins" I'm guessing they have a lot in common. Their appearance(s) for one thing. Something I would like to know about. What do they look like?

    Jake seems like a weak, useless person. And I shouldn't be saying that because I can definitely relate to him. What are his strengths? I know this is how you showed his reliance on Michael, but as far as I know there isn't much reason for them to be so close. Michael does so much for Jake, and all Jake does for him is be annoying. Sorry if I seem judgemental, that's just the way it seems. I expect to see more of Jake's good qualities, hopefully he'll be more useful.

    I don't mean to be rude when I say this, but it was awkward to me when the two boys hugged, held hands, and cried. Sorry for relating to myself, but *cough* I'm not gay or anything, but I'm not particularly manly, and even I wouldn't do any of that to my twin brother (yes, I have a twin brother). We hug, but not other guys, and we cry but not near other people. Though it's hard to say what I would do in such a horrible situation...probably try easing the pain by talking about random things, like the stories we're writing or some crazy TV show. Other than that he seems pretty realistic though.

    The pace was pretty fast, which was good because of the tension and the fact that it's a prolog. It was kind of like a memory of Michael's. It was made suspenseful partly due to the foreshadowing when we learned that Michael had an aching leg, and knew that he's going to die eventually. And the emotion was good too. The fact that Jake depends on Michael makes it sadder and more complicated, as well as Michael knowing that he would have prevented it easily if he had told someone about the pain.

    Just because I'm a humor writer doesn't mean I can't enjoy a story like this. I'm liking it already; it's well-written and the plot is attention-getting. Sorry I haven't gotten to it sooner. If you would like me to review it I plan to do so once a day, if not then at least a few chapters per week.

    Commented on: July 2, 2014

  • Carriers

    What a captivating chapter. It's easy to empathize with the characters and understand their emotions. Did you incorporate the five stages of grief? It looks like they're at the denial/anger stages, and are reacting similarly but differently. I don't know if this is right, but it seems like Shay is under the most stress, maybe since she's like the leader, because some of Carson's and Marena's anger was directed at each other. I wonder how the experiences will change, and whether their relationships with each other change.

    Before I get on to my review, I would like to apologize if my comments contradict what other people say, or if they seem strange. Your descriptions are good. It's just the positions of everything in relation to the rest of the story, if that makes sense. Please take my remarks with a grain as salt, if you aren't already, as I am just one person.

    One thing is the ending. It was great and made me think a little, because the good guys are technically bad guys. I just feel as though it could be more fluently connected to the end of the previous paragraph, like maybe if you had it as Shay's thoughts. That might just be me, though.

    There's a couple things that I was confused about (which isn't saying much, I get confused a lot). Why did they make Shay drive? Was she the only one who knew how or something? And she was injured from being shot, and traumatized after they had to set the city on fire. (I was surprised that it wasn't on the emergency broadcast, thought I'm sure there's a reason for that. I don't know much about emergency broadcasts.)

    Also, this is a minor thing but I thought I would mention it. I heard that if a guy like Carson can't have a healthy relationship with his girlfriend if he's mean to her friends, such as Shay's friend Marena. I don't know, maybe it isn't as much of a healthy relationship, or maybe it isn't always true.

    I like how you put the truck in the story. They have an arsenal of supplies to use, so we readers look forward to seeing how they will be able to solve various problems in the future. It's nice how their supply wasn't too useful, as they only had some bandages and painkillers.

    You do a good job at detailing, like Shay wanting to talk to someone and her trouble driving (not wanting to look at Carson, and having to pull over near the end). Things like the dried blood looking gross and the radio's noises are a nice touch too.

    While this story is rather dark, it's also interesting. There is a lot of emotion, and while not much really happened overall it feels like it. We now know that everybody's going to be after them now because they hate the eight teenagers. That'll surely continue to impact them mentally.

    I think that's all I have to say for this chapter. If there's something I haven't covered let me know. Also, would you like me to review at my own pace, maybe a few per week, or wait until you get some of your reviews in? I don't want to make you feel overwhelmed or guilty by getting ahead in our trade, but if you don't mind I could review more often.

    Commented on: July 1, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Say as much as you want; it's not like you're going off on a tangent or anything, and it shows that you're thinking about the story and that the plot line is interesting. Well, that and how you said that it was interesting. I just realized, Calvin couldn't have written the note because he doesn't have hands. Hm...

    Yeah, tell Jekyll I'm sorry for misspelling his name. I don't know why I put in so many references to real life. Should I take them all out, like the Jekyll and Hyde thing?

     

    Commented on: July 1, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    It looks like the ending will be a bit unexpected, I hope it is, and in a good way. Like the rest of the story it's a bit weird. And a lot of things, like Calvin's "mind person," aren't explained until the sequel. I think The Necromancer's Curse might be more straightforward, sorry for not explaining a lot of stuff.

    It's nice to know Calvin and Xavier were written well and interesting. I think Xavier, like Skylos, is a usual girls' favorite character, while Jason and Amaatlik are for us guys.

    Looking back, it is rather peculiar that Sadie didn't even cough or anything =V She's such a weirdo. The tags is/are something else to change.

    Sadie did deliberately try killing Rudolph. People do crazy things when confused and stressed. How it affects her in the future is the catch. Though I could probably give her more of a motive.

     

     

    Commented on: June 30, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    No sympathy for Rudolph, the innocent old man who selflessly sacrificed himself to save Jason? ;) Nope? I should be clearer in showing that Rudolph was the one who saved Jason. Bob just made it look like he had something to do with it, though he gained Jason's trust.

    Sadie killing him isn't like her, but that's actually what I intended. Hopefully the story isn't too weird. I'm trying to make the reader (i.e. you) feel the way the characters are feeling; sort of confused and disoriented, knowing nothing is as it seems. It's making them, mostly Sadie, do weird things =P

    Tiburon's only my pen name, my real name is Bob. That hurt my feelings ='''''( Just kidding, my name isn't Bob. I don't think there's any more Bobs in the whole series, but don't take my word for it.

    Sorry about all the confusion. It was magical hibernation, and Sadie wasn't in Draida. I don't know why it says that...And the misspellings. Lol, hurted. Thanks for catching those.

    I like hearing your thoughts about the chapter. I'm glad you liked it =)

    Commented on: June 30, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    I don't think I went into much detail about why Calvin's wand thing is punishment. After Rex captured him, he couldn't turn back into a fidi on his own free will. So yeah, whoever is the master (Jason now) controls him.

    Merlin's connection to Rex is like that of Calvin and Jason. He's an animal that can talk and has magic powers (basically a familiar). He wanted to help them, but made them leave because he was still getting over the loss of his master and didn't want to be reminded.

    It's nice to know how I can make the chapter better. It looks like I have a couple things to clear up, and I'll fix those wording things. Thanks for the comment! I hope you're feeling better, or get well soon!

     

    Commented on: June 30, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    I'm glad the humor was executed nicely, and that I usually do a good job of showing and telling. I'll fix that one part about changing back into a human.

    Unfortunately this story isn't the most realistic ones, even for fantasy/humor, so I don't know how Jason would be familiar with dinosaurs. That's a good point. He mentions a lot of things that he shouldn't know about, so let me know when it happens again. Chapter seven does that for sure.

    Don't feel bad about not getting in a lot of reviews. You're busy, and we didn't make any agreement as to how often we would review. I appreciate the time you take out of your busy schedule to read my story and comment.

    Thanks for the review, I hope you have a nice day.

    Commented on: June 29, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    I have the tendency to make even my smartest characters stupid =P Thanks for telling me, I find it to be one of the hardest things to catch when self editing (if it's possible). I'll make the sentences longer too. At least the humor worked out, I'm glad you liked it =D

    It's good that you're suspicious. Then you won't be surprised that Amaatlik is actually Jason's mom. Oh no, did I just spoil the big plot twist?! Just kidding. I hope you like the next chapter. It's a bit unique, and may or may not be done well enough because of what I mean by "unique."

    Commented on: June 26, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Thanks a lot for the comment, and your thoughtfulness. I'll change the cave scene and Calvin could use some more individual characterization...

    Oh fish...you learn a bit about him soon but, the way I see it, he doesn't fully expose himself until the third story because the rest of the series is slightly darker that HA, and Calvin's inner thoughts are pretty dark. Let me know (please) if the next several chapters aren't enough insight on him, and if so I'll see how I can make it better. 

    I'm glad you're liking the story! Usually my sense of humor is too weird for some people =p And thanks for answering my questions. I look forward to your future comments. 

     

     

    Commented on: June 25, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    No, I love hearing your weird speculations, comparing them to how the story actually goes. 

    Jason had a crush on Bianca the whole time, as she had a crush on him. He denied it at first, because he thinks love at first sight is stupid (as do I) but things are going on in his brain. Who knows, maybe their love was influenced by magic? Any relationship could be. But I should drop hints to show that he does like her, so thanks.

    I can't think of any questions, just a concerns which regard the story as a whole: whether there should be more action, and if you see any filler. Also, could you please let me know if a chapter isn't enjoyable? I will consider any suggestions on how to make it better. 

    Commented on: June 24, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    The forest did make Jason feel more hopeless, and while he sometimes "pretends" to be stupid, it also took away a bit of his common sense. But you're right, I should show the characters' reasons for thinking and acting the way they do, such as Jason's gullibility. Even though they're magically influenced, it should seem more natural. Thanks a lot for pointing that out!

    I'm not saying whether all monsters are evil in this story because that's pretty much the conflict. A lot of the conflict in this story and in the first half of the sequel is more mental than physical. Let me know if it doesn't work out well that way...but yeah, that's how it is at the moment.

    I'll capitalize FON. Strange, it almost looks like "fun" but the Forest of Nightmares isn't very fun. I honestly just noticed that.

    Commented on: June 23, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    You shouldn't type in all caps like that, it seems immature ;) Just kidding. Amaaltik will be glad to know you can finally spell his name right =P

    Yeah, that's my made-up currency. I think it's only mentioned one other time though. Glad it's a nice detail.

    Oh no, battle scenes...I forgot to include battle scenes. Well, not really, but...darn. You'll see what I mean.

    Thanks for letting me know about Amisto. That's what I was talking about when I said I'm bad at making people talk realistically. There's three other characters that I'm worried about, see if you can guess which ones they are.

    It is strange that Jason swore, but he's a strange boy. He does tend to get into trouble a lot, and part of it is his language. I'll look over my word choice when self editing.

    Commented on: June 22, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Thanks for the comment, and sorry for replying late.

    I'll make the transition into Jason's doubt more smooth. I should explain that it's partly because of Amaatlik and...well...maybe it'll become clearer near the end of the story, maybe it will just get more confusing. I guess sometimes Jason is overly confident, and other times he's the exact opposite. Bianca was a bit of an incentive on his quest to find Alex but after it she didn't look up to him anymore, so he lost his confidence. Does that make sense?

    Sorry about all those mistakes! I suck at self editing =V I'll look over the chapters again and hopefully fix all those typos. Thanks for catching all those parts about Michael.

    Commented on: June 21, 2014

  • Carriers

    Oh, that's how they were going to escape. Just charge through the traffic, and set fire to the city. I like how you built up the action and tension. First they were at the lab, thinking that all the talk about deadly diseases was boring. Now they're dodging bullets, and everybody's going to hate them. As I hoped, while not much happened this chapter has its differences from the previous ones as different things happened (like the fire) and new thoughts were provoked (like Carson being really protective and Shay doubting things).

    This might just be me, but I'm still having a hard time forming a mental picture of everything in my head. It's hard to tell sometimes whether they're facing the police or the other way, how much distance there is between them, and what the visibility is like/what they see.

    A lot of the story seems single-minded and focused on one thing at a time. This isn't necessarily bad, but in real life multiple actions happen at once. People do things while stuff is happening both in the background and nearby. This might help make if feel more natural (not that it doesn't already) and help with the visualization.

    I noticed that you used the presence tense in some places, with words like "now" and "this." It might be a thing lots of writers do, but I think it's more fluent if the whole thing is in one tense.

    Besides that, everything was well-written. For the same reasons as I've previously stated, such as pace and wording. You've also used simile ("The realization hit her like a speeding train") and metaphor ("Blood was a mustang in her veins as she ran"). I haven't been confused again so far as everything is pretty clear.

    That was a great ending, and I like the emotion in this chapter. Shay doesn't seem like a very confident person, which may affect her decision making in the future. But my guess is that she'll be the most humane, because she felt really guilty about shooting the cops and everything.

    I wonder who called the cops, and why. My guess is that there's someone among the scientists who developed the Blue Plague that is against the whole program, and is working to stop it.

    Another thing I'm thinking about is how they'll know when the population is down to the proper level. Maybe the technology is really advanced, and they have that capability. Otherwise the Carriers all over the world could accidentally wipe out way more than intended. And I'm already thinking about what will happen after the population goes down. Will it just go up again, will they kill the Carriers, take the virus out of their system?

    When Shay asked Carson about x-ray vision, it made me wonder whether the virus actually gave them powers. As a fantasy writer I'm kind of hoping it did, but this isn't fantasy. Besides, it would probably just be more endurance or speed, anyway.

    I'm thinking that my favorite character's going to be Katrina or Carson. Probably Carson, because we're the same gender. I like how he's both mature and has a sense of humor.

    Commented on: June 20, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    The stories behind what Bianca is and Sadie's family won't be revealed until the sequel. Sorry if that's too long. For some reason I like to make all my girls mysterious and my boys more straightforward.

    Yay, you spelled Amaatlik right ;) I can't wait to see your reaction to him. He's one of my favorite characters for several reasons, even though he's evil.

    There's definitely a love-hate relationship between Jason and Sadie. I'm glad that it's interesting, and hopefully it doesn't get too complicated.

    Alex and Bianca were upset because not only did they lose the single relative they were in touch with, but Rex was the setahr, and you know how people react to the loss of their setahr. I understand where you're going though, and if someone else agrees I'll make their reactions more realistic.

    About the descriptions, I'll keep that in mind. I feel weird focusing on my characters' physical appearances but if they're needed then so be it.

    No, Sadie's actually a thirty-year-old boy. I meant to put in the parts about her not noticing the town being that way for thirty years, and her calling herself a boy. Oops, did I just spoil that for you? =P Just kidding. Thanks a lot for letting me know of those errors.

    One thing I'm concerned about, for future comments, is information that doesn't need to be in the story, and things that I mentioned at one point but were never referred to/should have been kept in mind later in the story. I'd also like to know whether it's much of a deal. One example is a power that Jason has, which for some reason went away at the end of the story.

    Congratulations on finishing your exams! I look forward to daily comments from you.

    Commented on: June 20, 2014

  • Carriers

    Yeah, that sure is going to make it harder for them. I wonder how they're going to get things done, and I can't even think of any possibilities. They're going to have one heck of a time if they're avoiding officers for a good portion of the story. It's going to need a lot of variety too, something about each chapter that keeps it interesting. I can't wait to see what awaits the characters in the future, and the experiences they'll have.

    I had a hard time visualizing the setting. Sorry if I just wasn't paying attention, and it didn't ruin the story, but all I know is that it was hot, and there were concrete buildings. There's a bridge somewhere. Is it a city or suburbs, how many cars where there, and much space do they have? That kind of thing. Also, at some parts I had trouble with the relative distance and position between different people and objects. Feel free to ignore this suggestion if it's just me.

    I found it strange how you mentioned the noise of the gun when Marena fired it, but not the times before that.

    At the ending, that last statement seemed redundant, and I feel that it would be better as one of Shay's thoughts.

    While it was hard to picture things, I like your details such as the smell of Cassie's blood and the knockback of the gun. It's also good that the characters got hurt in the scramble. Otherwise the fight would have been dramatic at first but gradually get boring. And like the previous chapters, you do a really good job at keeping the pace where it should be.

    So Marena's father is a police officer too? Maybe he's going to be among the police that are about to shoot them, though that would be wishful thinking. I suppose another possibility is that some officers could be hesitant to wrangle with the Carriers, because they wouldn't want to risk getting infected. Of course, none of them would want to infect anyone, even one of their enemies. But they'll have eventually, won't they? It's going to be pretty crazy, and I look forward to reading more.

    Commented on: June 19, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Wow. All this talk about Bianca and the Alexes is getting even me confused. Sorry if it's twisting your brain a bit too much. No, she is supposed to be sixteen. You make a really good point, but because of who Bianca is and her story, she's the same age as the boys. I mean Jason and Sadie =P

    I can't believe how I keep missing that, even in my comment replies. Though I'm glad I changed it because I didn't want to seem sexist.

    Thanks for the advise on wording. I don't know when I'll edit again, but when I do I'll change those. 

     

     

     

    Commented on: June 19, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    The cave was just to show how disoriented they were. I was trying to help create a sense of hopelessness. It doesn't have any significance beyond that,

    I'm glad the only main female character (at this point) is a good one. It's strange, in Hunting Amaatlik there's a lot of guys, and in Necromancer's Curse a lot of them are female.

    Yeah, squishing feet does sound rather peculiar. I'll change those awkward wordings when I self-edit again.

    Okeanos isn't a word known to the characters, but if you want to know that's Calvin's fidi name.

    Commented on: June 19, 2014

  • Carriers

    It's not every day your father points a gun at you. This isn't the most realistic story, but then again it's dystopian so I guess anything could happen. It was also very suspenseful, and I like how the characters reacted to the conflict.

    You mentioned the "Blue Plague" a few times, even though it was just called BPV-01. Am I missing something or did you change it to make it sound more sci-fi? 

    The word "barked" was used quite a few times, which is understandable but using synonyms would make it better-sounding. Yelled, scolded, et cetera.

    If I were one of the infected kids, I would probably look away from the cops so that they wouldn't see the gold rings around my eyes. And I know the other students aren't important, but I wonder what they were doing when a bunch of police officers broke in. Did they just stare, or what? And were there people outside, watching the police fire at nine kids?

    The ending was great, but a little confusing. How did the officers not hit any of them? I guess they could be like Mister Patrick Claire and not want to kill poor helpless kids, therefore intentionally missing. But Shay thought that they would want to kill them, so the thought might have crossed her mind.

    How's Cassie going to sacrifice herself? Weren't they about to run past the cars? Or am I supposed to wait until the next chapter?

    Something I really like in stories is dramatic irony. It's was intense, waiting for the cops to know what we readers know- that Shay and her friends were infected. You executed the suspense really well, especially when Shay was counting. Not much has happened physically in this chapter but I'm content because of all that happened in their minds. It's a mental roller coaster the whole way through.

    Shay's dad is a really nice person. I wonder if he's going to get punished for letting his daughter and her fellow Carriers escape. Maybe this is going to be like the Red Scare or the Salem Witch trials (you're American, right?) where everybody is accusing each other, even friends and family. I have a feeling that it's going to tear the whole nation apart, doing much more damage than the deaths of several billion people. If such a thing is possible. I still can't say who my favorite character is yet. Too bad there's only one major male character so far, which is Carson.

    Commented on: June 18, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Thanks for the comment, but especially mentioning the mob. I don't remember what that was supposed to be, likely some of Amisto's soldiers as opposed to civilians. I'll have to change that, once I get to do some more self-editing. 

    Sorry I haven't gotten to your story in a while. I'll get one in tonight, and plan on commenting daily from now on since school's out and I only have one story to comment on at the moment.

    Commented on: June 18, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    I'm glad the story is interesting. Hopefully it isn't too confusing, but so far you get the parts with Jason and Bianca.

    One thing I'm slightly concerned about is changing ideas, like if something interesting happened but doesn't get mentioned later on in the story, so please let me know if such a conflict occurs.

    Thanks for the comment!

    Commented on: June 18, 2014

  • Gifted

    Gosh, I can't believe this is the end of the story. What do you mean, "I hope it was enjoyable"? It felt like an actual published book that you'd pay for, not one you'd read for free online. If this has been your first draft then your final one is going to be even more awesome. The end closed off the story well as everybody was focused on the future.

    I don't know if this is necessarily a bad thing, but this last chapter did seem gloomy. Obviously this isn't a children's story and there's a sequel, so the characters aren't supposed to live happily ever after. But it seemed as though everybody was upset about the way things turned out, except maybe Janelle. And she only smiled due to the thought of fighting more, which to me was ironic because of all they've been through. The turn of events weren't as satisfying as I thought they would be. Don't get me wrong- while this isn't my favorite chapter, it's not that I don't like it. I'm just saying that it felt a little dark and abruptly ending. Ma

    In the sixth paragraph, was Samantha stroking Thomas's amputated hand? That's pretty creepy. Or did you mean to say his left one?

    You started a sentence with "that's right" just past halfway through the chapter, and I thought that was a bit too informal for third person narration.

    One last bit of repetition, it seems as though you use the word "heart" whenever someone kills another person. It's not terribly annoying, but something to keep in mind if that kind of thing bothers you.

    Carey seemed rude when she blurted out "How is he?" when they were talking about Thomas. He said he was fine, but still. Because of your word choice I assume you meant to show her that way. She must really like 256.

    "That's a nice number." XD That line made me laugh. I like how you have the characters say awkward things, because it makes them appear more human and serves as comedic relief.

    I said that things felt gloomy, but certainly not in a dull way. You pulled the emotion off really well, especially Carey sitting next to 256. You set it up really well, creating past events that affect the characters' thoughts. And it was natural, so it was easy to feel like I was in the story myself.  

    The best part is probably seeing how the characters react to each other. Their relationships are complex, like how they're all good guys but their dislike for each other went from Carey disagreeing with Janelle, to Samantha hating her dad, to the Gifted hating everybody. And they have conflicting emotions, like 256 not knowing whether to stay with the Gifted or be with Carey. While the ending felt abrupt on terms of physical events, it wrapped up the emotional parts quite nicely. Samantha didn't have to worry about her dad's presence because he left, Carey and 256 know that they like each other and 256 finally gets to be with her. They're all together, and aren't so sure about the future but Janelle is confident.

    I forgot that a Gifted person let Michelle keep Thomas. So everything started when 805 was that person, huh? It's amazing how all the characters are related.

    I wonder why 805 said, "I'm sorry about your hand" and "I should have..." Did he have something to do with it? Could he have fixed his hand or something?

    If 256 dies, it's going to be pretty disappointing. You used the word "lifeless" twice, which could be a hint that he's going to die. Oh no.

    I wonder if we're going to meet Amy in the sequel, or if she never appears like Michelle. That would make things interesting. I would hope to hear more about the other worlds too, and Wesley.

    That's pretty much it for this comment. I've really enjoyed reading Gifted. Let me know if you have any questions or concerns. Would you like me to review another one of your stories?

    Commented on: June 17, 2014

  • Gifted

    Yup, I have to read the next chapter now. Not much really happened in those 3,063 words. Carey killed 3349, ran to the rebel house, and they went back to 256. But that's a broad summary, it was very emotional and exciting. This isn't a bad thing, but it all came by so fast, because a lot of things I expected to happen didn't. I thought they were going to overthrow the Gifted, for one, but also get Carey back to her family. Reagan's secret wasn't exposed, and 256 and Carey didn't kiss passionately in the moonlight. (if 256 lives, hopefully that doesn't happen). I further anticipate the sequel but will wait for it patiently. After all, great art can't be rushed.

    As I said, I like your descriptions of the people and their actions. But what were they doing, exactly? Why were they outside, especially with that giant ring of fire?

    There were a few typos. For example, when 805 walked over to Carey, it said, "'Here,' someone placed a hand on her shoulder." That should be a period instead of a comma, because putting a hand on someone's shoulder isn't a synonym for "said."

    When Reagan said that the blood on his hands wasn't his, I don't know why but I thought it was the blood of the Gifted he killed. It confused me when Janelle asked whether he was okay. Um, no, that guy was not okay.

    At first I didn't understand why Janelle left with Carey and Marvin, and why Marvin swore out loud when he saw 256. There wasn't really a need for Janelle to go with them and she left Reagan alone in the house (unless the other rebels were there). Swearing didn't seem like something Marvin would do, and it certainly didn't help anything. Why would he care about a Gifted boy?

    But then I realized that Janelle need to go so the perspective wouldn't change and so you could have her doubt at the end of the chapter. And swearing showed that Marvin thought he might not be able to fix 256, adding to the tension.

    Another thing that added to the tension was Carey not rushing to the house to get Marvin. It makes you go "Come on, girl! Your friend needs saving!"

    Poor 256. If he survives, which he better, it's going to be strange. I bet he and 805 are going to join the rebels. And then the other rebels will join them. Maybe they'll take over that village. I wonder what future awaits them. 256 will probably be afraid to fight in the future, and Janelle might have a different perspective on the Gifted. How will Thomas go about doing things without a right hand and little of his left one? Surely he won't use his Gift anymore. Hmm, can you use a Gift without hands? And he probably won't be able to be a blacksmith without his right hand, and Samantha's going to be even more protective.

    Commented on: June 17, 2014

  • Gifted

    You've got to be kidding. That was probably the biggest cliff hanger ever...I'm definitely reading the next chapter after this. It was very dramatic. When 256 tried to console 3349, I thought Wow..this is so girly. But kind of funny. I'm glad 3349 didn't hug him or anything, and that they didn't make up. The way you have it was so much more interesting. 256 isn't going to die, is he? He's one of the main character, and my favorite! If he dies, it will feel like I died =o

    I keep forgetting to ask you why the bad guys let the good guys talk before fighting. And why they give speeches in the middle of fights. 3349 could have killed 256 while he was doing things with Carey. It's also the other way around, Carey could have knocked her out while the older woman was giving her that speech.

    One more repetitive thing, slightly cliché, is "...where his/her head had just been seconds previously" as in narrowly avoided a weapon. You didn't need that phrase to create the tension.

    It was strange to me when 256 told Carey that she was wet. I figure it's like that "Yes, it's impossible!" thing, and you said "as if he'd just noticed," but then Carey was sure that her clothes were clinging to her. Wouldn't she feel it? Sorry, I don't know why I found this to be awkward. I guess it adds to the awkwardness of Carey and 256 liking each other.

    I have some questions about 256's and 3349's powers. Why didn't the fire wall tire him out? Did it go away anyway once his focus was on 3349? And how was 3349 able to summon that much water from the air?

    One last thing: The part where Carey got out through the window was nice, but I would have gotten a better sense of terror if she hadn't tried to go through the window before it froze. I figured she would be able to try again before she did. If you hadn't mentioned the window the first time, I would have forgotten about it and thought Oh no, how is she going to get out?

    The ending was great though. I hope you don't kill 256 off, but that was unexpected (in a good way). And it was interesting how he didn't want to die anymore while he was dying. It's like a war story, where someone says that they were excited to join the war but on the battlefield they weren't so sure anymore. I know I said that 3349 looking like she was going to surrender was girly, but it helped with that hope/despair thing. It looked like 256 was going to win, then it looked like he was going to die, and so on.

    I wonder if 3349 has a weak spot. She was literally crying in front of her enemy, talking about how she didn't want to be a nobody. Nice bit of satire there...exposes the things people will do to fit in. I forget, how old was 3349? Was she 256's age or older?

    It was surprising when 256 caught 3349's sword. Can people really do that or is 256 just awesome like that? The characters in this story are all so skilled. At least they don't have guns, then it would be a different story. Ok, I'm going to read on now. 

    Commented on: June 17, 2014

  • Gifted

    Sorry about the late reply. It's hard to say. To me, 805's reaction was realistic; he's obviously a self-accusatory kind of guy, and I don't think he would get mad at Michelle. I mean, he chose to sleep with her, so he took the risk. Was your sister referencing the part where that one rebel scolded 805? He was angry then, and I guess he could get angry at Samantha the way he did at that one guy. He doesn't really have any emotional connection to his daughter. But he got mad at that rebel because he threatened Michelle, so I think either way could work. 

    Commented on: June 17, 2014

  • Gifted

    That ending! I thought "Swallowed him whole" was kind of stereotypical, but also dramatic and I HAVE TO KEEP READING, WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO 256??? Sorry, I know you hate caps lock 0=) There's only, what, three chapters left? I already can't wait until the sequel. This should be made into a movie or something. 256 is surely my favorite character, as he always has been. It was so funny when he punched 805 but hurt his hand in the process, and tried intimidating the older man.

    I don't have a lot of negative things. One is repetition, more words/phrases that you seem to use a lot. It isn't that noticeable at first glance, but being aware of them would make it (even) more graceful. (I'm looking for a word synonymous with fluent.) The first thing is ending a sentence with "really." Janelle didn't know why, really. The second one is "but they both knew it was a lie." You could replace that with "but she didn't even convince herself" or something. Also, if I had a dollar for every time someone's hair fell in their eyes, I don't know how many I'd have, but it seems to happen often as well. I.e. with Sam and 256.

    You said you aren't that good at description, but I don't think it's as necessary due to all the psychological stuff. Though I would like you to describe the crowd more. Were they just running around shouting, or was there anything in particular that they did? How did they react to Janelle, if at all? Of course they didn't know she's the rebel leader...and I wonder if any of the other rebels (with the bows) were there, taking advantage of the Gifted deaths. 

    I like how in this chapter you showed how the characters were affected by their environment. You kept in mind that Sam and 805 were tall, so they should have been easy to see, while 256 had trouble because he was short. At first I thought that the villagers kidnapping him was unrealistic, but then that one guy was like, "Nay, he be just a wee lad!" That's not what he said, I forget the actual words. But it's interesting and realistic how the villagers were more aggressive because they thought he was a kid, even though he was Gifted.

    Haha, "I like...I like shoes." I'm so uncool...

    I have a question: Why was 256 so insistent that 805 stay in the village? His not listening to the older man didn't confuse me, but wasn't the mission kind of ruined? And surely 256 would have lost confidence in 805 after seeing him like that. He didn't really have a lot in the first place, asking 805 if he was sure whether he wanted to go in the House alone. But I'm sure you have your reasons. Anyway, 805's going to be really upset when he finds out that Michelle died. She died, right? Sorry, I have really bad memory =P I hope he doesn't kill himself.

    It's fascinating that 805's blood made plants sprout from the ground. Why didn't it do that before? Was it his blood? That would be interesting. The bow rebels would probably murder Gifted and sell the blood for its magical properties.

    Commented on: June 16, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Thanks for the comment! I'm glad you like Calvin, some people thought he wasn't interesting enough. I have a personality for him but let me know if it should be more developed. And he does have a name. You find out what it is later on. I think the next chapter.

    Yeah, Rex has a secret. I'm glad nobody's figured it out on their own yet. It should be exposed in a couple chapters or so. And the reason Jason is so good at magic is a secret too, I'm not sure when you'll find out. I gave a few clues to both their secrets, but that's all I should say because I don't want to spoil it. 

    Oh fish, I missed a Michael =P I'll definitely make the beginning more descriptive and change the all caps. Haha, about that one sentence, "nevertheless" isn't the only awkward part about it. 

    Commented on: June 16, 2014

  • Gifted

    Oh, I'm sorry! I thought it said "turned herself invisible again." You don't have to make that clearer. I don't know why I keep reading things wrong =P

    I forgot to say that, if I were Carey, I might go look for 256, 805, Samantha and Janelle, to try and prevent someone from dying. You know, rather than go back to the other rebels. It just seems like a more realistic decision to me.

    Okay, that closing eyes thing makes sense now =)

    Commented on: June 15, 2014

  • Gifted

    Well, I guess Michelle and Sam's dagger aren't enigmas anymore. It's a good thing that only one person guessed it right, because then it's more unexpected. The whole thing crazy...so is 805 going to join the rebels now, is Samantha going to kill him...then what would 256 do? It's one of those surprises where the clues are right under your nose, i.e. Samantha and 805 looking alike, her having a strange dagger while 805 makes strange daggers, and 805 abandoning Michelle. Now I'm wondering if 256 is related to them because of his black hair.

    I don't have a lot of things to be picky about this time. The first one is Janelle closing the Gifted woman's eyes. You've done that before...why...why? What is the purpose in closing a dead person's eyes? I know you've got that from somewhere, but I've never heard of it before.

    I'm not an expert on battle scenes, but I do have two suggestions. The scene with Janelle and 805 was awesome, for the same reasons as that one in the Lake Village. Two good guys were against each other, it was wavering between hope and doubt, you kept in mind factors such as strength and speed, etc. But I would like a more detailed description of the room, so that it's easier to imagine the scene and take into account how their environment affects them. What is the lighting? Is there any furniture that might get in the way, and how big is the room? Also, some of the fights are short, like the one with the Gifted lady Janelle killed and the one in the last chapter. I guess it's okay, because they weren't major fights, just thought I'd say that.

    It's funny how Janelle thought of diamond as a "strange substance." It's another realism thing, because in that setting you can't expect her to be familiar with diamonds.

    I like how you didn't reveal that the man Janelle met was 805 until a few paragraphs after. It made things a little bit more suspenseful, if that makes sense. Of course, not that it needed to be more suspenseful. That scene was already pretty attention-getting.

    The thoughts are, as in with the rest of the story, natural and nicely done. It's also how you provoke certain thoughts of your characters. It made things interesting how, as Carey noticed, 256 took a broken nose (and burned 805) to keep Carey's brother alive, while she killed his friend. Of course, they weren't very good friends to each other, and Carey simply put him out of his misery, but it was a good thought.

    I wonder how 3349 saw her when she was invisible, at the end. Kind of like Reagan. I can't think of any reason as to why they might be able to see her.

    I just realized that James and Reagan are so alike. Maybe Reagan is James's ghost or something, and he didn't really get away from that brothel where his mom "worked." Maybe that's how he could see Carey...maybe 3349 is a ghost too.

    Commented on: June 15, 2014

  • Gifted

    Oh, he's only forty-seven??? I thought he was sixty or something. As for them fighting in mid-air, that could be a bit clearer but yeah, you did indeed say that the Gifted man had him captive in mid-air. Sorry. I'm still a little confused about how Reagan did the mid-air backflip after he was thrown to the ground. I don't know, maybe I'm just overthinking it. 

    What do you mean "Gifted dude"? Is that your American impersonation? =P

    I've read the next chapter (37:Fights and Feelings, I'm about to comment) and found out who Michelle is...wow. Despite all my crazy "maybe he's actually him" theories, I wouldn't have expected that. Good job! 

     

    Commented on: June 15, 2014

  • Gifted

    "Grab as much as you can carry," Carey said. I love it. Was that pun intentional? Anyway, I think I know who Michelle is. Is she that old wanderer lady from chapter one? Of course, I have the sense that we haven't seen her yet because 805 said that only he knows about her. The lady I mentioned did get caught. Will you mention Michelle by the end of the story, or is it going to forever be an enigma like what's so special about Samantha's dagger?

    Just a little disclaimer: I'm going to be a little picky in this comment. It was a great chapter, but when I reread it I found more things to talk about that usual. As always some of them might just be me and my weird way of seeing things, but I want to let you know of everything I took note of just in case.

    You said that the factory supplied the whole town with jobs. How did Carey know that? I may be wrong, but isn't the purpose of a factory to need less workers, because of the machines and stuff? Though even then I suppose a factory in Gifted would be different from one in real life.

    The action scene was slightly confusing. How did Reagan do a backflipair if he was on the ground? Also, you said that he landed on his feet neatly, but he hurt his feet doing so due to the impact. When the Gifted man "lowered himself carefully" I didn't understand what you were talking about. Was he crouching? And why was Carey so shocked by the fact that Reagan wasn't upset about killing someone? He kind of saved her life, and killed the man quickly like the way 805 kills people. I understand that Carey was terrorized when she had to kill 440, and Reagan not being affected is related to how he seems to have fought before joining them, but I think that you should give Carey more reason to be surprised by Reagan not getting upset. Maybe if he smiled after doing it, or something like that.

    After the fight, I was at first confused as to what Carey and Reagan were talking about. I know they decided that Reagan was to go to Marvin while Carey went to help Janelle and the others. Maybe I was reading it too fast, which is often the reason for me being confused about things, but they kept talking about going and staying. Carey told him to stay and said that he couldn't go anywhere, so I thought she was going to leave him there alone.

    There were a few typos and wording that I found a little awkward. One example is when you said, "They walked as fast as he could." I assume you meant that they were walking at Reagan's pace, but it looks like a typo where you were trying to say "as fast as they could." Also, some paragraphs are indented by one space.

    The last thing that I'm going to niggle about is when 3349 said, “Now you’ve got that sorted out, can we decide what we’re actually going to do?” They already knew what they were doing, 805 was going to the house while the younger Gifted searched the village. She should probably say something along the lines of "how we're going to divide the work."

    I'm not going to focus very much on the good things of the chapter, because I"m sure you know what they are. But I think the best part of this chapter is getting the right feeling out of it, and including the little details like Thomas's bandage falling to the ground and Reagan cutting his hand on the glass. It's pretty dramatic and suspenseful but still natural. The characters fit well into the story, and I'm always wondering what they're going to do in the near future. Their mental processes are pulled off well too.

    I like how you're focuses on the main characters. You don't pull too much attention to people like 3349 or Will and Ana.

    The next chapter is going to be interesting, to say the least. Carey and 256 can stay there and do whatever, or join the action in the Gifted House. And if they stay there, they have so many options as to what they do. Neither of them has the heart to kill, but that's what they're supposed to do to each other. If I were 256 I would probably knock her out and hide her, and if I were Carey I would turn myself and him invisible so nobody would see us.

    And I can't wait to see what's been going on in the house. They both heard shouts from inside, and that one Gift of Air escaped. Hopefully 3349 didn't get to the House as well. Probably not, because while she doesn't want to obey 805's orders, she knows that she has too, and he told them to stay out of the House.

    I think that's all I have to say. As always let me know if there's something else you would like me to talk about, such as my reaction to something.

    Commented on: June 15, 2014

  • Gifted

    The shining light on the horizon: "That's a ball of fire." Yeah, a ball of fire called the sun =P What a surprising ending, 256 noticed the sun's existence! Yes, that's impossible... Just kidding. That was the signal, right? I wonder if 805 and 256 know that and will alert the others. Or they could just go about their daily lives. How will the Gifted stand a chance? There's five of them, and two are 805 and 256. The latter two are very strong (the killed the rebels that a Gift of Air couldn't kill) but...I don't know, it's in that position again where the good guys are fighting each other. Maybe the archer rebels are going to join them...maybe Wesley's going to join the fight to save Carey's life, dying in the process. That would be very stereotypical and I hope it doesn't happen.  

    I forgot, it was nerve-wrecking when, in the last chapter, 805 said that 3349 went to a brothel. Was that the one Janelle and Co. went to, the one owned by Theresa? Or are there a bunch of those things?

    Also, since I'm on the topic of previous chapters, you forgot to remove the notes in chapters one and twelve, if you wanted to take those down.

    My criticisms for today are about wording. The first thing is from the beginning. I don't know why it upsets me, but when you said "She'd been very nervous all week, and Carey had to admit she felt the same" it was as if you were going into both of their thoughts at the same time, and it looked like Carey read Janelle's mind to find out that she was nervous. I'm know the older woman showed it, but for some reason I think it would be more fluent if you said that.

    There were a few cases of repetition, such as saying "herself" in the sentence starting with "However, despite her efforts..." and at the part where you said "life again."

    Another awkward phrase was when you said, "Now she realised that life could never truly exist." Does that seem strange reading it by itself? You meant "that" as in opposite of "this" and could say "that such a life" to make it clearer.

    After Carey escaped, you said Thomas'. According to one of my writing books, since "Thomas" isn't plural, you keep the s at the end to make it Thomas's.

    Lastly, I felt that it went by pretty fast in some parts. Overall, the story has good pacing, but it's weird when Carey thinks something like Where are they? Oh wait, there they are, over there. It might just be me, but I think there could be a better transition between looking for the Gifted House/the Gifted themselves and then finding them.

    Besides that it's pretty realistic, like when Carey was nervous about people seeing her, even though she was invisible. I could feel her tension, and when she managed to get out the house undetected, I was like, "Yeah! Way to go Carey! Woot!" That's an exaggeration, but...you get it.

    I like your details such as Carey slipping as she tried to get through the window. Her thought processes were good too, particularly her reactions to seeing the mutilated Gifted. She thought that even for them it was cruel treatment, and for a second believed that it was Janelle's doing. Maybe she still doesn't completely trust Janelle, thought they seem to be more friendly now.

    It's strange, I wonder how she felt the Gifted for the first time. Maybe it isn't something that you learn, but an ability you get when your Gift becomes stronger and used more. Or perhaps dead Gifted are easier to sense than live Gifted.

    Another strange thing (I'm not criticizing, by the way, just thinking) is how there was a Gift of Earth with two Air ones. I would think that maybe the Air Gifted wouldn't want to be in the presence of Earth Gifted. Of course, the other Gifted were there before. I wonder what their Gifts were.

    Where's Michelle? Is she 805's age? Gifted? I hope we get to meet her. That would be very interesting. Wait, she's still alive, right? 805 said that the Council will never find her, so I assume she's somewhere, alive, but he also said "who she was" so maybe she changed or something? I'm open to the possibility that she's a figment of the older man's imagination. Or maybe you're Michelle 0_0 

    Commented on: June 14, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    It's funny how all my commenters on Sparkatale react the way you did and is pro-Skylos, while people who read it in real life are totally different. My girlfriend was like, "They deserve to die, they're evil!" and a friend thought that Rex should have killed them more brutally. I'll have to see whether A. Nonymous breaks that quality. It's really fun to find out the different ways people react to stuff like that.

    Thanks a lot for the comment. You have a really good eye for catching things, and it's nice to hear your opinion on the story. If they held another Oscars for commenting, I'm sure you'd have a fair chance at winning =P 

    Commented on: June 14, 2014

  • Gifted

    Awww, there's only seven chapters left after this one. You have a sequel, right? I find it hard to believe that the rest of the story will take place in only 26,300 words, that I'm already 83% finished. The rest will probably be really dramatic and fast-paced. I look forward to reading up to the end and seeing what happens, but I almost don't want it to come.

    One thing that I didn't get was how 805's bandage seemingly wasn't bleeding through until 256 looked at him. Surely if the bloody patch was growing then 805 would have noticed it by then, and wouldn't it have just bled on the fresh one?

    Early on in the chapter 256 felt his nose and it didn't seem to hurt. But later he touched it and it hurt a lot.

    Also, does Thomas make weapons like a normal blacksmith? How did he make them so fast? At first I thought he used his fire powers, but now I'm not sure. Unless he can withstand higher temperatures, making the metal melt faster. But then why would Samantha and Carey be with him while he was forging? They must have been really close if they could have a conversation, and if Thomas was able to hug her.

    I found it strange how Samantha responded to Carey saying that Reagan shouldn't have been able to see her, saying "Yes, it's impossible..." How would she know? Perhaps they weren't being literal, because obviously something happened. Other than this you've been doing a pretty good job at being reasonable with how much people know.

    As far as time goes, I'm a bit disoriented. They went to a second inn? Hadn't they spoken at another inn by the end of the last chapter? Was that inn a third one, and by second you meant the second they went to after Marvin lead the new recruits to the brothel? They got ten supporters from the first one, five more in the next and then another twelve. Janelle wanted twenty though. And they're already going to the South-East village with the factory? Day or night is another thing that I would like to have a general awareness of.

    Learning that 805 used to cut himself wasn't much of a surprise, due to his drinking and not being afraid of death. But it did show how 805 sympathizes with 256, and their thoughts were pulled off nicely.

    I like how you described 256's nose, and Thomas's eyes. It was also nice how you talked about how 805's burns were what made him clumsy. Though I would think that his movements were because of him having to use his left arm. It was also a good detail when 256 mentioned that he didn't even know what love is. The dialog was good as usual, and I particularly liked how Thomas said that not everybody is deceitful, and that conversation in general.

    It's funny how 256 and 440 have two different ideas of behaving badly when it comes to love, in a way. 440 was telling 256 to rape her or whatever, but he was upset just because he loved Carey but she didn't love him back.

    Another curious thing is how 256 was, in his words, too much of a coward  to kill himself, and he had to let someone else (like Wesley or 805) do it for him. I can't say I've thought of that before, someone wanting to die but not willing to kill themselves. I guess he doesn't want to disappoint 805 by taking his own life, because without Michelle, 256 is the only one 805 has.

    I wonder if the Leader paired 256 with Carey and 805 on purpose. Maybe he's where 805 wants to be, against Gifted beliefs and in a high position of authority. And he's trying to slowly erode the Gifted, or take part in its downfall, by helping those three secretly and discreetly.

    Hehe, I was just thinking of how Samantha would have reacted if Carey told her that Janelle and Reagan kissed...She probably would have killed him. That's what she said, right?  

    Commented on: June 13, 2014

  • Carriers

    What a dramatic ending. I certainly wasn't expecting something like that. I wonder what Shay's dad is going to be like. The story overall is exciting and there's plenty surprises. I'm not really a sci fi person but the story is still enjoyable because of the plot.

    I may be picky to say this, so feel free to take my complaints with a grain of salt, but my main concern for this chapter is wording. There were a few repetitive parts, like when you talked about "taking the words right out of her mouth." I like that expression, but you used it in the last chapter. Since it isn't used commonly (as far as I know) I would use it more sparingly.

    In the paragraph starting with "So if we..." you said that the doctor was grinning, and it could be more fluent if you didn't use the word "grin" in the same sentence.

    In another paragraph, starting with "I hope you..." the word "truth" was used twice.

    This is probably especially picky, but you said "flight or fight" instead of "fight or flight" once and when you said "Katrina was clinging to Owen like a child to his father's leg" it made me wonder whether Katrina was clinging to Owens leg, and why you said "he."

    The last thing is that some of your paragraphs are indented while others aren't. I choose not to indent them because they have spaces in between them but indenting them seems to be your style. Just make sure that the indents are the same number of spaces.

    This isn't a complaint, but what did Carson mean when he said, “Hey Laylia, if I put your opinion in one hand and spit in the other what do I get?”

    I like your use of humor in the chapter. It isn't overdone, but manages to make it so that the story isn't too dark. It didn't seem realistic to me when Shay openly swore at her teacher, or when the doctor swore (because he told them to watch their language) but it's probably just the stress of the situation they were in, or something else.

    The way Marena reacted was interesting. It added to the drama and intensity, and showed a bit of her character. I like how, while you do sometimes directly describe the Carriers' personalities, you're indirectly showing us what each of them are like through their actions. It's nice to know things like how Kyleigh isn't very fit and would slow them down, while Carson is the fastest, and how Shay isn't very strong. It helps the reader analyze the characters and see how they will fare in the future.

    I don't have a lot of analysis right now, because I still don't know a lot about the characters. Let me know if there's anything in particular you would like me to talk about, like my opinion on something.

    Commented on: June 12, 2014

  • Gifted

    Well that was an interesting chapter. It answered some questions and posed some new ones. Reagan is still a mysterious figure, and I wonder who he really is, why everybody gets a bad vibe from him. Why does he have to smile? He must be Gifted or something if he was able to escape the Gifted back when he was younger and notice invisible Carey. And why did he look guilty in that other chapter?

    One thing I found strange was how you said, "It was strange, really." That seems a bit informal to me, not something you'd find in a third person story.

    And after that sentence, "In the months following the rebellion at the Lake Village, Janelle had slowly forgotten why she’d been so nervous to be the leader of their group in the first place." Did she? Correct me if I'm wrong, but o me it looked like she was always a little nervous.

    I thought that it was a nice detail when Janelle was surprised that Reagan knew she wanted to get her daughter back. But Janelle didn't mention a daughter, she just said that she lost a child. Unless she said it in one of her other speeches.

    Another thing was when Janelle said, "Well, I thought she might've been, but I wasn't wasn't sure." Not that I'm an expert on natural dialog, but I found it strange how she didn't answer his question about why she would be worried of him judging her.

    I'm not to sure about what was happening with Gifting being in a brothel. Isn't that kind of thing against their beliefs? Also, Carey was going to fulfill her promise to Samantha. Did that mean keeping an eye of them? For some horrid reason, when I first read it (I read every chapter twice) I thought she was going to kill Reagan for appealing to Janelle. Well, it sure made everything dramatic.

    I like your characterization. Like 805, Reagan is a complicated character, but I can actually sort of understand him, or at least some parts, so it's more mysterious than confusing. The thoughts and actions for your characters in general are elaborate and captivating. Of course, your plot line is just as good. It's also complex in a good way.

    I don't know how many times I've said this, sorry for being repetitive, but dramatic irony is a strong point in this story. Two examples in this chapter are when Carey thought that Wesley hated her for being Gifted, which obviously isn't the case, and Janelle not knowing that she's a great leader. I don't think it's the same thing, but when Carey saw her and Reagan kissing, I really liked that part.

    It's hard to say who my favorite character is. I can't relate to Reagan, but that's only because he's being all mysterious. He's one of my favorites because he puts other people first, trying to make them feel better even though he has so many worries of his own. Of course, he could always be evil, but...hopefully he isn't. I think I relate to 256 because we're both boys and his thoughts are clear.

    I wonder what other Gifts there are that haven't been revealed yet. It's fun to think of what they could be. Maybe some include shapeshifitng, or making people fall in love with you, something like that. Do you have a favorite character? And if you could have any Gift, what would it be? I think I would be a Gift of Earth because they're like alchemists as they can turn graphite into diamonds. Being able to make things would be cool too.

    Commented on: June 12, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Lol, you're suspicious of an elderly man but not a pirate XD I'm glad you liked the pirates. It's nice to know the characters are interesting.

    Hmm...I haven't thought about using italics in first person perspective. Thanks for telling me. I'll definitely change that, and make it more descriptive.

    I would say more but that might spoil what happens in the next chapter. I hope you enjoy.

     

    Commented on: June 11, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    I like the way you think :) Thanks for not sugarcoating it. I'll make those changes when I can. I've always been too vague, especially writing essays in school. You're getting closer to the halfway point and the quality should (hopefully) be better then because I wrote more slowly and carefully. I'm glad it's still interesting though. 

    Congratulations on finishing all your hard exams! I look forward to hearing more from you in the future. 

    Commented on: June 11, 2014

  • Carriers

    What a great chapter! It was really intense, and even though this is just the second chapter it worked because of the way you built up to it. It wasn't confusing either. The plot is intriguing, it makes me want to know what will happen next. That scientist guy was pretty creepy, and his actions posed a lot of questions, answering a lot of them. But I'm still wondering what they will do, and how you're going to take up the space of the story. And Poor Cassie...what's going to happen to her?

    As I said, this wasn't confusing, though I won't leave you without some suggestions. The first one concerns your fourth paragraph. You talked about Cassie's eyes as well as Katrina's, which is likely something I would do as well but it could sound better if you only mentioned Katrina's eyes.

    Something that didn't quite catch was why Marena said, "Cassie is fine!" even though nobody mentioned her. What happened, and why would she say that? Was it because her eyes had changed color instead of getting rings?

    Speaking of Cassie, another thing that didn't make sense to me was "Cassie's small little hand." Besides being repetitive, why is her hand particularly small? I got the impression that she's a little kid, but surely that isn't the case.

    When the man gestured to the wall behind them, I found that unrealistic because he was projected on the ceiling of the glass box, and due to his being 2-D how could he point without making it look like he was pointing upward? I would make him say, "Behind you."

    I know you said that you don't like using "she" a lot, but I still felt that you could have used it at least once more in this chapter, when you were talking about Cassie crying. the next sentence said she, so for a second I thought you were talking about Cassie, but you were talking about Shay.

    I noticed that the thoughts in this chapter weren't in italics like they were in the last chapter.

    The internal dialog is good. It seems like a lot of people don't put in a lot of thoughts into their stories, and I like it when it's there. I like your characters' thoughts and dialog, because they're reasonable but not predictable.

    Everything was pretty well thought-out, too. It's good that you thought of why they didn't just use airborne viruses. The way it affects people in three ways was interesting and original. I look forward to finding out a bit more of how everything works, like how many people are involved in this population control project and how many Carriers there are. I think the plot and characters are going to be the best part, because they're very creative.

    On terms of what will happen in the future, it looks like anything could happen. You said there's action in here, and the man told them to not die while infecting others. Are they going to go along with it, and try infecting the population? I wonder how they would do it, and what would happen if they don't. I'm guessing there will be other people to act as Carriers, but they won't have much choice because the disease spreads through touch. Judging by the description I'm guessing that people are going to be hunting them down. It must be a grand adventure if it takes up such a long story.

    You know what would be really bad? If a grand majority of the population, like 95%, are immune or Carriers themselves. Then all the struggles will have been for nothing.

    Commented on: June 10, 2014

  • Gifted

    Holy cow, this chapter was amazing! I see why you were waiting so long to write it. I read it twice because the emotion in here was so powerful. The characters did a lot, yet it still left some questions at the end. I wonder if 256 won't care about Carey anymore, because it seemed like he came to the conclusion that caring for people just brings pain to everybody. I can't wait to see his further thoughts. And 805 was so relieved when he found that 256 wasn't dead yet, but now he'll feel pressured to kill 256, because he let Wesley go...and he said that next time it happened he'd have to kill him. I love what you have here! Maybe 805 will do the same thing as when 256 had to let Carey go. 256 would run away and join Wesley like Carey joined Janelle's rebels.

    The beginning was nicely written and very poetic, but I felt that 256 wouldn't think something like that. I mean, yeah, I don't know all that goes on in his mind. I just thought it didn't seem 256-ish.

    Stuttering is a realistic aspect of the story, except for maybe the stuttering thoughts (I - I knew...). I can't say I can relate to that. Maybe ellipses...but not stuttering. Also, it seems like the characters only stutter on the first two words per quote, but never in the middle of sentences or near the end of one of their paragraphs of dialog. It would be nice to see that.

    Oh, and there seems to be, pardon my language, a lot of bastards in your story =P Just another thing you say a lot that seems slightly repetitive. I'm sure there's other things people can yell to expose their anger.

    And the tears again. Not only did you use that word eight times, but when you said, "He felt a tear splash on his face, but it wasn't his own" I was confused as to how his own tear would splash on his own face. Tears must be reckless on that island of theirs. Maybe you could take out the word "splash" in that quote.

    In other news, the actions and reactions of 256, 805, and Wesley were natural, and made for a great read. Why did Wesley cry, and why didn't he kill 256? I'm guessing he thinks of killing the same way as 256. Maybe he was upset that 256 didn't know where Carey was, and came to realization that vengeance wouldn't bring Carey back.

    the story, your dialog, thoughts and emotions (well, 256's and Wesley's) in this chapter did change a little (in the same chapter). But it was more fluent than usual, and the transitions were smoother and more reasonable, so good job on that.

    I like how you showed Wesley. He was training with the rebels, obviously, and looker more like a man than a boy. But he was still insecure on the inside, shown when he was crying and couldn't kill 256. Again, I can't help wondering what's going on.

    If only Carey had been there with the two boys. That would ruin the story, but I'm thinking of what it would be like; her brother and the friend who saved her life twice, fighting. That would be awkward. And if she was invisible, unable to move or do anything because 256 would have to kill her.

    Oh, and since Wesley's left, and if the Gifted are watching, what's going to happen to the family? Will Wesley go back to him? Keep looking for Carey? That is, if he believed 256 when he said she escaped. And did his opinion change when 256 let him go?

     

     

    Commented on: June 10, 2014

  • Gifted

    What a plot twist! Wesley and 256, who would've guessed? I wonder what they're feeling right now. I hope Wesley doesn't die. 256 might have to kill him...How did Wesley join the rebels? I like how you put in the detail of his arm shaking while he held the bow. It showed that the foreign people recruited him, and likely other villagers- maybe that's why the rebels they fought didn't put up as much of a fight as expected. Or maybe the foreign people never came to the Gifted island at all...But then that leaves the question of how the archer rebels got their hands on some bows. I'll have to read on to see what happened.

    Of course, Reagan is also interesting. Is he Alex, but had his name and appearance changed because abandoning Janelle made him unpopular? Maybe he didn't recognize her, but did when he heard about her having a kid. And that could be why he looked guilty near the end of Carey's POV. It's funny that he knows people find him annoying. Maybe he's super-nice because he feels guilty about leaving Janelle all those years ago. That is, if he really is Alex.

    When Carey thought, Maybe he's from a farming village, too... it made me think that this piece of information is significant. He almost reminded me of Wesley with his short hair and tan skin, but of course he has short hair while Wesley's is long, and they have different eyes. And Wesley was at that inn, with Wesley.

    I was a little confused with that part at the end of his conversation with Carey. He wanted to say something to Carey, and changing his mind is understandable, but I thought that was a bit too quickly. I would make him hesitate after Carey said yes.  

    Another repetition thing is people having strained/weak smiles =} I see that a lot now.

    Some thing that I've talked about before; 3349 dyed her eyes blue again. Unless that was her getting ready to use her Gift. Also, 805 changed character rather quickly when that rebel leader mocked him about his michelle. He soon sighed and calmed down after being all deranged and everything.

    But I really like how 256 didn't think, Oh, maybe that's what a michelle is! You didn't have him make the connection but left that to us readers, using dramatic irony. It was realistic because 256 didn't know that Michelle is a name.

    Something else I like is how you had that "Hi!" inserted into the dialog between Janelle and Carey. It was a little silly and conveyed Reagan's character well.

    I'm glad you had some fighting here, as well as some more psychological stuff. You had your characters get a lot done here. Janelle was successful, 256 and the gang found that one place, and Reagan and Wesley are big parts of the story, giving it a nice element of mystery. 

    Was it wise for Janelle to openly give out the location of their sanctuary, as well as say that they were going to attack that industrial town? There could be spies, people who tell the council secrets to earn favor. Maybe Janelle is actually on the Gifted side, and when they're about to win she will expose her true self.

    Michelle intrigues me. Is she Gifted? Was she captured by the rebels somehow, and that's what the message was about? And did she have kids with 805? Then the two of them could be anyone! Maybe Michelle is 256 from the future. Or maybe they're 256's parents...oh!

    Yeah, one last thing. Didn't Rosa have a son? Yeah, in chapter two, that boy was like, "Maaa!" What ever happened to him?

    Commented on: June 10, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Again, I apologize if everything was really confusing. I sacrificed realism for humor, which probably wasn't the best idea because it seems to be distorting the story. I was confused when you said that Jason's parents were relaxed, though it probably looks that way due to my attempt at making the scene humorous. 

    I'm glad that you like the humor, and that the story interests you. Let me know if the story becomes too weird. It doesn't really get a more serious tone until the halfway point. This is just a warning, but if silly unrealistic nonsense isn't your thing, then you might not like chapters five and seven. 

    Commented on: June 9, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Thanks a lot for the comment! Sorry if the story is a bit too strange. It was my first, I wrote it a long time ago (longer than the date on the details page). The story doesn't take place in any particular time period. I guess it's sort of like modern day but instead of technology they have magic. 

     

    Commented on: June 9, 2014

  • Gifted

    I'm not going to say that this is another one of my favorite chapters, because I'm likely going to be thinking that for the rest of the story. I liked it from the beginning, but for some reason it seems to have gotten even better or something since Carey and Janelle started interacting more. I'm glad you included Carey's perspective in this chapter. It was nice to know what she was thinking, and that she wasn't completely mad at Janelle. I was surprised - in a good way - when I found out that Janelle had been having that same conversation with Carey so many times ("She asks me that every time").

    One oddity I found was how that one Gift at the beginning was so friendly towards 805. He seemed to care about the older man, even though Gifts aren't to do such a thing. I know he's important to the council, but surely they still wouldn't care if he died, right? 3349 didn't care. I mean...That argument was invalid. I just think that Gift could have been more indifferent, at least hiding his relief. And why was he nervous when showing 805 the bodies of the Servants? 

    space indent like with this paragraph, and I wouldn't use a question mark and an exclamation point right next to each other?! in more formal writing, but that might just be me.

    I really like your details. Like I've said, there could at times be more about how the environment affects the characters, but I understand that this chapter is more of a psychological one. I like how Marvin, as a lowly Servant, didn't even have a number as a name when he was with the Gifted. Also when Carey bit her lip and drew blood. That was pretty detailed.

    The emotions are also good in this chapter. They're realistic, entertaining/engaging, and make you think, "Wow! She did not just say that!" Girls can be so complicated and sensitive, if Janelle and Carey were boys they would have just laughed at each other really loudly and went along with everything. But that wouldn't be nearly as interesting.

    805 has been really fond  of 256 lately. He reminds me of Marvin. Maybe 805 is Marvin from an alternate universe. A universe where Marvin stayed with the Gifted, and when his parents died their powers were passed down to him, so he became Gifted (a Gift of earth). And Reagan is so nice to Janelle. Maybe he's her daughter from the future, and it turned out that (s)he wasn't really a daughter.

    Haha, the last thing I have to say is that when you wrote, "He shook his head, cutting her off" I thought you said "...cutting hers off" as in Marvin cut off Carey's head. I gasped out loud, and everybody was staring at me 0_o

    Commented on: June 9, 2014

  • Gifted

    Great! This is another one of my favorite chapters! I haven't really given much thought to stuff like what the rebels are going to do after, and what 256's parents are thinking. The chapter also did a good job at provoking thoughts as to what I would do in such a situation. There were a lot of thought processes going on, and different things that the characters could say/ways that they could say them.

    I only have a few small things to complain about. Nothing big. One thing is that I'm a little confused about Janelle and Carey. Is Janelle in love with Reagan? When I said that I say stupid things, it's not you, I just think that I should get these things, like whether Jan has a soft spot for the guy. Maybe I'm just tired =P Anyway, why was Carey mad at Janelle? Is it because Janelle looked to be in love with Reagan (she hugged him)? Janelle really understands her, and while she didn't exactly say it right she tried to make the younger woman/girl feel better. Carey felt sorry for walking away from the older woman in the previous chapter. I'm sure there's some sort of psychological thing going on there, and I really enjoyed reading the talk between Janelle and Carey. I just don't get it...

    Something else I didn't understand is why Reagan got them berries, and why they all ate them even though they could have been poisonous. Just because nothing happened right away doesn't mean the berries were safe. And they already had food.

    There was at least one typo, in 256's third paragraph: Won’t they be more inclined to come after us when they see what we killed their friends?

    The last thing: How did 805's plant stand out against the dark forest floor? Weren't there already plants?

    I still like the idea that earth Gifts can create plants. It's one of those things that makes me wonder if the other Gifts have powers that I don't know about. Who knows, maybe they can sort of reverse their powers. Maybe 256 can turn down the temperature as well and freeze objects, or Carey will be able to see things/people more easily, like in the dark.

    I like how people aren't perfect. I'm practically screaming at Carey to forgive Janelle, and it would be nice if Jan knew how to talk to Carey. But nothing is perfect, so it adds a bit of realism, I suppose.

    I also like the dialog. The way Marvin said, "It's okay, Janelle" was unexpected, and I felt Janelle's surprise. It was funny when Carey said, "Well, you shouldn't have insulted me in the first place. Then you'd have nothing to apologize for" and when 3349 said, "The old geezer needs his beauty sleep."

    I don't know if I said this, but a few chapters ago during the fight with the foreign rebels I like how you conveyed the difference in killing style between 3349, 805, and 256: 3349 ripped their guts out, 805 was a quick painless kill, and 256 imagined that he was about to kill Carey.

    As for the way Marvin wasn't all sad when he was with Janelle and Carey, I think it's because they make him feel useful, because they need him to defeat the Gifted. He was all depressed before, and Janelle was still worried about him, but he came back to the fire smiling. By the way, why do they have fires if people could see them? If the Gifted were to see Janelle and the others, they could get into trouble. The same if 256, 805, and 3349 are seen by the foreign people (because in that one chapter, I think two chapters ago, they had a fire).

    Huh, the way 256 talked to himself at the end, like two people arguing to each other, he kind of reminded me of Gollum from The Hobbit (is he from The Hobbit?) And they're both short too. I hope 256 doesn't find any rings.

    Oh, and I never thanked you. Well, thanks for getting me back into reading again =) Ever since I started writing, I stopped reading, but since I started reading Gifted I've been motivated to do both.

    Commented on: June 8, 2014

  • Carriers

    Haha, Katrina's great. Her very..."interesting" personality really stood out against the boring guide. I can't tell what all the characters are like yet, but it already looks like they'll have their different personalities. Kyleigh was a little rude at times, like when she pushed Jaycee near the end, but she seems like a sensitive type. You said that Carson wasn't a troublemaker, but he looked like one. I think Shay is like the leader, because she was sort of the most responsible person there, and when she told the others to stop looking at her they did so.

    Overall, I think this chapter was very well-written and you have an original plot. I really enjoyed reading. It was rather confusing at first, but I read it again and it makes sense now. I'll go over some the things that confused me, but I recommend that, if you haven't already, read the whole chapter again because you know what you wanted to convey. That way you can clarify and fix typos. Anyway, here's my review, sorry if I sound picky:

    The first thing was at the beginning, with Shay looking at herself in the mirror. What was she upset about? Was it the fact that she was going to go to...wherever they went? Some kind of sciencey place. Why did they go on a field trip there? 

    After Shay read Katrina's second text, I didn't get that she was the one who whistled. It was probably confusing partly because Carson was then whistling after that. Oh yeah, speaking of that, you said "Thankfully Carson struck up a tune" but I didn't get why anyone would be thankful if he was whistling so badly. (Press the Ctrl and F keys at the same time and type in those words to see where it was.)

    Also, I didn't understand why she thought she was going to be busted when the group saw Laylia and Jaycee soon after that. Are they the type of people who would tell their teacher, or at least is Laylia like that?

    When Shay answered Marena ("That's definitely her, Marena.") I was confused about that because she answered it late, and it wasn't related to what Cassie was saying. I would probably say "Shay said belatedly" at the end of that quote, or something similar.

    After she said that, they saw the ever-growing number 10,234,044,098. But if it was ever-growing, how could it be a single number? And if it's the population number, wouldn't people be dying, decreasing it too?

    I would personally like a more detailed description of the glass structure. At first I thought it was a little display case with some kind of diseased specimen in it, not a proximately six foot tall glass box that they could walk in. What was inside, besides the screen?

    There were some typos, like when Carson said "weren't" instead of "aren't" near the end. Some of the paragraphs were indented strangely, and most of the dialog was written with a period at the end, like ["Uh, no." She said] as opposed to ["Uh, no," she said]. One last thing that made me confused was how you used Shay's name sparingly, calling her "she" more often, even if there were other female characters.

    Again, I apologize if I seem really picky or negative. I like the story already and, like I said, it's well-written and original. You have some good vocabulary, and I don't think there was any repetition. Besides what I talked about, I don't know how to describe it but I like the way you described everything. One example is when you said "She carried a look of displeasure" in the second paragraph, while the name of the story is Carriers. I like how you only have Shay's thoughts, and not anyone else's. It made the chapter more fluent.

    Also when they heard the touchscreen and thought there was a woman behind them. There was a good amount of tension as I wondered what would happen, and whether they would get caught. There was some humor too, like with Marena's Sergeant Smartass coment, so it wasn't too tense.

    I liked the beginning. It was attention-getting and thought-provoking, but you didn't dump too much on the reader. And the ending was nice too. A cliff hanger, making me wonder what the heck a BPv-01 is and how it will infect them, but it wasn't overly dramatic.

    That's all for this comment. Let me know if I can clarify on anything, or if you have any questions. I could also try making my comments shorter, if you want. Hope you found this helpful.

     

    Commented on: June 7, 2014

  • Gifted

    Another amazing chapter. This is probably one of my favorites. There were a lot of thoughts and emotions, and a bit of mystery. It also built upon the main characters' personalities, so I feel more connected to them now. I agree with Samantha; Reagan seems suspicious. He knew that Janelle heard her, maybe he knew it when he was saying those things. It could have all been planned, his talking to Theresa, as a way of his gaining Janelle's sympathy That shouldn't be too hard because Janelle seems like a pretty sympathetic person. She must really care about her friends and recruits, and feel responsible for even their emotional wellbeing, the way he reacted to everybody being weird. Maybe she's easily manipulated. Sam also cares about others, but seems more physically protective because she's really muscular and when she's upset she doesn't get upset but threatens to kill the people that upset her.

     I know I've made some stupid points before, sorry if I keep doing that. Feel free to ignore something or wait to see if others say something similar. Anyway, first of all - I think that, in addition to crying, people seem to sigh a lot, and doing things with others' shoulders (like squeezing them). Though I understand that people do these things a lot, and using a certain word many times can be good if it symbolizes something. Repetition generally isn't a problem in your story, but it does occur at times.

    If you're worried about this, I think the details are good, but sometimes you tell instead of showing, for example "he looked suspicious" or "he looked confused." You could also say "he eyed him from a distance" or "he cocked his head" or something like that.

    Another thing was Samantha's talk with Carey. I like how it was broken up, and even though it had information I've read before it was told in a way that made me really interested, and there was some original info, like how Janelle's and Sam's families met. I thought it was a little strange how Sam was supposed to talk about Janelle, but started on the subject of herself, and how she was so different. But she didn't admit that she was getting off track until a couple paragraphs after, where I didn't feel as though she was getting off track. But besides that, I think the rest was well written, and flowed nicely. It's interesting that Sam thinks Janelle is in love with Reagan, and related it to Janelle's past experience and those with her own mom's two husbands.

    Sorry, one last niggling. When you said, "But now she felt similar to the way she had when she’d first joined the rebels as she watched the three of them walking ahead of her – like an outsider" at the end of the chapter, because of the wording it looked like you were saying that the three rebels were an outsider rather than Carey, because the rebels were the last thing you mentioned. You most likely get it, but I would switch the phrase around, so that it says, "As she watched the three of them walking ahead of her, she then felt similar to the way she had when she'd first joined the rebels - like an outsider."

    The thoughts and emotions were played off really well. It was easy to get immersed in this chapter, and all that went on in the characters' heads was realistic as well as sort of complex but very easy to understand.

    Also, I'm satisfied with the turn of events. They weren't idealistic. Sam is still worried and Carey still feels like an outsider. But I know more about the characters, and Sam is opening herself up more, which is probably what she needs so that people can understand her. It's nice that the characters all care about each other, even though there's still some insecurities. I remember how bitter they were when Carey first met them, in Rosa's inn.

    The last thing that I would like to say before ending this comment is a comparison. Have you watched Avatar: The Last Airbender, maybe when you where younger? I haven't heard of it in a while, but this story sort of reminded me of it. There's a bunch of people who either have control of an element or don't.

     

    Commented on: June 7, 2014

  • Chris Ramirez: Teenage Crazy

    Sorry about the late comment! I had a lot of homework again. Hey, speaking of being late, how was Chris late for her birth? Wasn't she right there...you know...? In America, we are never ever late for our births  =V

    Okay, there's a few things I would like to point out. One is the study period that's longer than an hour. Wow...Is study period that long in the Philippines? Here it's only half an hour, and not right after lunch. Though I don't know how other American schools work.

    The second part is when you said "I took his doll and took mine from his, and traded." I assume you meant that she picked up Marvin's doll and he picked up hers, and then they switched so that they had the right ones, but at first I was a little confused.

    One thing that confused me, what does "popping the p" mean? Is that like making a p sound? And what does "having you into oblivion" mean?

    This next one might be a stylistic thing, but I'm used to using, and seeing, the question mark before the exclamation point, like ?! because doing this !? to me looks like you're asking a question about an exclamation. But if that's what you're used to, I'm not going to tell you to change your ways =)

    Lastly, I'm not sure what Markus and Chris did with their dolls before going to the really weird group of people. Did they put them in their lockers or something? Or did they still have them, just Chris didn't mention it?

    This chapter was just as good as the rest. It's well written; I didn't see any repetition or overused words. It's pretty detailed too. And again, Chris compared herself to a movie character, which is kind of funny because she's in a story. I thought it was funny how Markus knew her combination but she didn't.

    I wonder what else her aunt told people, and if Chris is going to tell her aunt's friends things about her aunt...oh, and I also wonder who owns the bag, and how those people thought of such a challenge. By the way Markus was talking, I think they're going to be nice people.

    Did you read Junie B. Jones when you were a kid? I remember reading it when I was little, and this book kind of reminds me of that book, but it's like a version for teenagers.

    Commented on: June 6, 2014

  • Gifted

    If 805 has to kill 256 next time he hesitates to kill, maybe he's more attached to the boy. The only thing I don't understand is why anyone should kill him. I mean, wasn't it liking people that got him in trouble before, not having mercy on them? Sorry if that's not the case. But I wonder what will happen if 256 has to kill 850, if he finds out that the older man is attached to a michelle (I like how 256 didn't know that's a name).

    I couldn't find a lot of things to complain about. One is about how "256 gasped when he saw the state of him." Closed eyes and a pale face isn't very surprising. I did get the idea that 256 was overreacting, especially when 3349 (her name's not hard to remember) rolled her eyes at him, but that part was a little confusing in my humble opinion.

    What was the setting like? I know there were trees, but surely not a lot because they were out in the open and had a fire going. Was the ground dirt, grass, both? Was the terrain flat or hilly? This might not matter, but it has to do with the way characters are affected by their environment.

    The last thing is when 256 imagined that the rebel he was about to kill was Carey. That was a good idea, but I think you could have described it less directly, in more than a single sentence, like maybe he thought that he was suddenly looking at Carey, something like that.

    I liked how you made the bow people bad at hand-to-hand combat. It's reasonable, because they seem used to being more sniper-like. Of course, that lady wasn't stupid, and did fight back, eventually gaining the upper hand in her brawl with 256.

    It was funny how 256 reacted to the thought of washing off in the stream with 3349, and it was nice that you didn't directly say what face he made. I think he was thinking about being in water, though, rather than washing with her. It was also nice to know that little detail about him, how he was nervous in water since his Gift appeared, and struggled at first. I wonder if it's actually a weakness of his, like maybe being wet weakens him. If so, then maybe all the Gifts have a weakness like that.

    I wasn't disappointed with your action scene. It was very tense and well-written, like your other ones. I was surprised when 3349 and the rebel almost killed 256. The action in this chapter wasn't that long, so I'm thinking that it's going to help build up tension to a bigger one.

    3349's eyes were green in her chapter, so I'm assuming the blue dye washed off.

    If the rebels knew that an earth Gifted tunneled underground, then they obviously have knowledge of the Gifted. I guess they already know about how the Gifted are weaker now then they were before. It's pretty bad, because the Gifted don't seem to know much about the otherworld people. 

    Can 3349 dry things? It doesn't look like it. She didn't dry their supplies, or herself when she finished washing in the stream. Maybe she just likes the feel of water on her skin, like the exact opposite of 256. Also, how can Gifts of water make ice from water in the air? Are Gifts in general capable of changing the temperature of their chosen element, to change states of matter?

    That just made me have a thought...What would it be like if two people of the same Gift and the same skill level fought each other? Would they just keep moving the fire/water/air/earth around until they got bored...?

    When that one rebel in the previous chapter was mad at 805 for killing his comrades, I thought that maybe they're more human than the Gifted. But then again, they mutilated those two Gifted, and that lady rebel was going to kill 256 even though she thought he was a kid. But then again, she was only going to kill him because he was a Gifted. They must have a grudge on the Gifted. It makes me wonder what they think/will think of the non-Gifted in New Russia, like the villagers and the native rebels. This is just a guess, but to me they seem like the type of people who either love or abhor you.

    I just had another thought. I think Sam's dagger was a diamond one, like the kind earth Gifts make.

    Sorry about the delay in comments. I was pretty busy, but I'm done with what I was doing so I plan to be commenting daily from now on. 

    Commented on: June 5, 2014

  • Gifted

    Yes, action! I can't wait for some more action scenes in the future, because you do a really good job at those. So it looks like the otherworldlies are human, or at least they look like it. I thought they would be some crazy creature, if they tore off that one Gift's leg off. (They call themselves gifts.) Where will 805, 256, and 3349 end up? What will they do? What a riveting tale!

    A lot of my nigglings (oh, niggle isn't a word but niggling is) sorry a lot them are previously covered, like present tense words (this, now) and people changing their emotions, beliefs and opinions too quickly. Samantha, I'm talking about you! *cough cough* Besides that, I have a few things to point out:

    I was a little confused when Thomas said, "No, they'll just kill me like everyone else." How did that comfort Sam? Did he mean that the Gifted wouldn't torture him?

    Another thing he said, it wasn't confusing but he said the word "decisions" two times in a row. I would take out the second one.

    When Samantha said that she was a hypocrite, it made me question everything. Maybe she's somehow related to 805. They're both hypocrites. But then Carey's apparently one too, so maybe they're all related. 805 could be a combination of Samantha and Carey from the future. Maybe that's what all Gifted are, just two people in one, from the future. That's why they don't have names, because 805's name would be Samanthrey or Carantha, or Sacarmeyantha or something weird like that, and they want to spare themselves the embarrassment by using nicknames that are numbers. That was sarcasm, by the way. I'm not that stupid...

    At the end of the chapter, 3349 in addition to 805 smiled at 256, and I found it weird that 3349 - sorry, Bob - would smile. At all. She just doesn't seem like that kind of person. I thought she would maybe complain that the fire would use up their air supply, shortening the amount of time that they could stay in the underground air bubble (which was a cool idea) and that she would suggest they run blindly without the fire.

    It seems that people cry a lot in your book. I'm not going to say that it's because almost all of them are girls, some guys have been crying too. Anyway, it's not that bad. The characters have their different ways of dealing with sadness other than crying, like how Marvin retreated into his room, Janelle/256 trying to sleep, and 805 drinking and doing chores.

    While the characters' thoughts may seem realistic at times, like I said, I think it's just the way you convey them. They're natural, and interesting. The dialog is really good too, especially Samantha's.

    Their ideas are good too. I liked how you ended Janelle's part. Their thought processes were kind of like a cliff hanger but not a disappointing one, if you know what I mean.

    The way Bob blocked the air was suspenseful, and 805 standing in the way of the arrow was surprising, and very attention-getting. Was that because he isn't afraid of death, or was he protecting the others?

    Oh, and I wonder how everyone else is reacting or will react to the foreign rebels. It's going to be interesting if the New Russian rebels meet the foreign ones. I guess it depends on what the foreign rebels are doing near the Gifted. Why would they attack the Gifted? What is their motive? All is very mysterious.

    Commented on: June 2, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Sorry about the really bad chapter. Hopefully it wasn't too weird. I had a really strange mind back then o_0

    I forget why he didn't get to mentioning history. I haven't really gone into that, even through the end of The Necromancer's Curse. There will be bits and pieces of information scattered around the whole story, like different spells and stuff.

    Rex talking like a young person is part of his being eccentric. He wants to be young again - you'll find out exactly why later on - and that's how I chose to convey it. When I said that I'm really bad at the way different people talk, this is what I meant. Just a warning, there's also a British guy, and Irish guy, and a pirate (of course Britain and Ireland don't exist because it doesn't take place in the real world). I have no idea why I did this to myself and you readers...

    Anyway, thanks a lot for pointing out all those mistakes, I'll make sure to fix them.

    Commented on: June 2, 2014

  • Gifted

    No, making out doesn't mean something different in the US. I was just exaggerating. As for 3349, I wrote her name down, so it's hard to tell whether her name is hard to remember. I don't think it would be but if she's a main character from now on then making her name just three letters might be a good idea. 

    Commented on: June 2, 2014

  • Chris Ramirez: Teenage Crazy

    In answer to your question, sure =) I'm glad you like the VoF.

    Commented on: June 1, 2014

  • Chris Ramirez: Teenage Crazy

    Louie, I'm crying! This is too hilarious! How can one person come up with such a masterful story? Reading it makes my day. What was Chris saying near the end, was she swearing?

    Anyway, unfortunately I'm going to be a little picky about some things in this chapter. One thing is the typos. Look over the chapters again, watching for repeated words, typos, and sentences that could be structured better. For example, I don't think "dieded" is a word XD If you read over it again you can catch things that only you can, making sure that it came out the way you wanted it to.

    I personally thought the beginning of the chapter could use a bit more detail and a slower pace. I wasn't feeling Chris's excitement (thought maybe because I'm a boy). Also, were they eating inside or out? It looked like they were eating inside, but then how did they hear the people in the kitchen? Don't take those parts out though, they were funny =)

    Words aren't usually bolded in stories, I don't know if you want to make that italicized or something. Some people think it's distracting.

    I also like the part with the birds at Moondust (I don't think that's italicized or "quoted") but when they flew away, it looked like they were still there, until they flew away again. Was it that only some of them left at first?

    I'm sure you know a lot about American culture, but let me know if you have any questions. I would like to point a couple things out. One thing is that we don't say "bloody" as a word synonymous with "freaking." Also, I don't know if this is a British thing, but in the United States we get our drinks before our food and we don't call napkins "tissues." 

    I respect the way you make everything humorous. A lot of it is from your vocabulary and references, but also similes and exaggeration. You make little things really dramatic, but in a good way, like at the end. The part where the waitress fled from Chris was great, and it's nice that you continued to show Chris's picky diet through how she reacted to Markus ordering for her.

    That's all for this comment. Let me know if there's anything else you would like me to cover, or if you have any questions/concerns about the chapter. And, by the way, what did you think of The Voices of Faie? I now know calling that humor is despicable, especially after reading your story. But I would like to know what people think of it as a whole. If you have the time, and if the VoF doesn't disgust you, I would appreciate some comments =)

    Commented on: June 1, 2014

  • Gifted

    I think the conversations in this chapter were the best part. Seriously, they could have given me some better looking companions." Also when she accused him of cheating when he evaporated her water. Perfect. Yeah, also when Janelle and Reagan were accidentally making out. The story is a nice read, even though there's serious things going on.

    There won't be a long list of complaints for this comment. The first thing is how you break up your sentences, like in "805 laughed when he saw 256 looking at it suspiciously, the light-hearted sound didn’t suit him." I don't know if that's another cultural, but I thought it would sound more fluent with an "and" or splitting it up into two different sentences. Also, there were a few typos, like "accidently" (is that wrong?) and "reallised" (with two ls).

    Also, how long had it been since Marvin found out about Rosa? Wasn't it earlier that day? How did he get stubble and baggy eyes? I think I'm missing something there.

    Are words like servant supposed to be capitalized? It's not like it's a title, like Servant Carey. Like prime minister or president, it's otherwise lowercase. Unlike that's another style thing.

    I was a little surprised when I found out that 3349 (I'm going to call her Bob because I know you hate that name and she's a witch) well she dyed her eyes blue. In the previous chapter Bob had green eyes. I understand that her eyes glow blue when she uses her Gift (or, is she is a Gift of Water, when she uses herself). But you might want to say "her green eyes glowed blue" or something.

    The way Marvin and and 805 were so direct to Janelle and 256, I thought that was a little unrealistic, because up until then they were more mature, though I suppose my word isn't completely reliable seeing as I'm not an "older man" and I can't relate to them, maybe older men are like that. Also, it was nice seeing into their minds and knowing what they're thinking about, and their dialogs are important parts to the chapter. Maybe if there's a way to make their transition between mature and depressed more gradual, like perhaps they hesitate, or try to hold their tears in. Of course, this is just my opinion, maybe I feel this way because, like I said, I'm a boy and I'm not so familiar with how all this emotional stuff works.

    I like your idea of basing the Gifted island off of Russia. Seems pretty original to me. Though Russia isn't a small island isolated from the rest of the world. It's a pretty big land-locked country, and borders many other nations :V

    I also liked how 256 voiced his thoughts without knowing when he said/thought, "Why can't I forget?" They must be really tired from all their nightmares. Again, more nicely paying attention to details and realism.

    Another example was when 805 pointed out that 256 wouldn't be able to block arrows with fire, though he and Bob would be able to block them with ice and earth. And then when 256 thought that using earth would be slower than using ice, but wouldn't care because he likely isn't afraid of dying. Those are some good details.

    It's obvious that 805, very much unlike 3349, really cares about 256. I hope 3349 doesn't tell the council or anything. Where were the other two Gifted? Were they the servants? Hopefully they don't tell the council either.

    I think they're going to tell the Council, right before they find the otherworldly rebels, and 805 will get caught but 256 runs away and find the rebels (Janelle's rebels) and things get really, really complicated. Then they will try going to the other worlds for help, knowing there's nothing they can do on the Gifted island. I'm going to call it New Russia from now on, because "the Gifted island" seems weird for some reason, unless you have a preferred name.

    Commented on: June 1, 2014

  • Gifted

    Yay, information! It's hard to believe they don't know about bows and arrows. I guess it does make sense though because they're just a tiny island isolated from the rest of the world. Hmm...I wonder what the rest of the weapons are. Maybe Sam's dagger is one, because of Carey's reaction to it. You only mentioned her regarding the dagger, so that must be the only outside weapon the rebels have. Though there must be more to those of the Other Worlds than their weapons. Are they even human? It looked like one of the otherworldly rebels ripped that woman's leg off. Does everything take place in the Middle Ages?

    This was a long chapter, and I read over everything twice so I have plenty of things that I'm going to niggle about. Oh, it looks like niggle isn't an American word because my spell check says it doesn't exist. But I digress. Sorry if I say something stupid, but this is what I found:

    In the paragraph starting with "805 paused, biting..." you accidentally got in two people's dialog.

    I couldn't tell if, later on, 3349 was surprised or suspicious, or maybe she transitioned from being surprised to then being suspicious.

    I don't know if this is particularly a bad thing, but sometimes you don't really mention things that happen, such as change in where the characters are. In the paragraph that started with "256 nodded" it looked like the stairs were connected to the room with the bodies (I don't know if that's true or not) and also like the beds were right at the top of the stairs.

    Some things you do mention but they don't need to be said, like "805 ignored her complaints" and "he seemed rather energetic."

    I'm not seeing "you know" anymore, but it looks like you say the word "seem" a lot, but I can't complain because I think I say that a lot too. Another thing we both say a lot is "a little" and "just" though I didn't notice that until I did the Ctrl+F thing and saw the number of matches, so while some might be annoyed I personally don't see it as a bad thing because it isn't that noticeable. Another thing I saw was "it's fine" or "I'm fine."

    In one of the paragraphs beginning with "It's fine," when 805 read the letter, I didn't get what happened when 256 looked at 3349 and she shrugged. Was he wondering if she could read?

    A couple things about what the characters know. How did 256 know about the Other Worlds if the Gifted aren't taught about history? Or is it common knowledge? And what was the significance in 805 knowing about the Gift of Stealth? Why did it make 256 a little nervous?

    When Janelle finished training the recruits, she thought about how Reagan having more strength and stamina but less agility and accuracy. Then you said that he was as agile as Janelle. Did he get better, or was that a typo or something?

    Is there a specific term for someone who has a Gift? I find it pretty weird how they say "I am a Gift of Water" as if they're the Gifts themselves, which to me sounds a little conceited. Though I'm probably just being picky. I saw it in the beginning part, by the way.

    However, I find everything to be not only intriguing but realistic. Your characters aren't perfect, even Samantha has her flaws now. (I realize that being perfect is in itself a flaw, partly because it makes everybody hate you.) 805 can read, but not very well, and it looks like he feels the same emotions as 256. It raises the question of whether all Gifted have nightmares. Do they react to them like 805 and 256 did, or do they shrug them off? Also, the characters show their imperfection and emotion by crying and wanting privacy, like with 805, Marvin and Janelle. And not only is the way they react to things nicely written, but they all react in different ways because they have different personalities.

    I'm a boy, so I'm not going to say, "Awwww, Reagan is so sweet! He's make an excellent boyfriend for Janelle!" Though his actions were a nice element to the story. I think he just wanted to do the nice thing, and is awkward near other people, not quite knowing what to do. He obviously isn't all smiley and carefree on the inside, and it was nice to see him do something that showed how much he cared about others, and how he can be serious.

    Another thing I like is the details, like how it was hot, and how those details effect the characters, such Janelle wanting to train them anyway because she didn't want to waste time. I also like the way 805 described what a bow and arrow are. It was accurate but understandable considering they had never seen one.

    This is more of a funny thing than an annoying one, but it's as if everybody but Reagan doesn't know to knock on doors before entering someone else's room. Or maybe it's a Gifted thing, I'm not sure, but it makes me laugh whenever that happens.

    It's peculiar how they think of the other islands as other worlds. They must be very different. The outsiders feared the Gifted, but it must be the other way around as well if they don't make contact. It's interesting that the Gifted used to be more powerful. What made them weaker? If they got weaker, maybe the outsiders did too. It's just that they have different weapons. Maybe it's a perspective thing...I'm thinking that the outsiders are stronger physically, but the Gifted are stronger "magically." But they (and me) refer to the outsider as one group. Are the other worlds all similar, or do they have differences among themselves? I guess they could all be similar, if the Gifted Island is "isolated from the rest of the world" as stated in your description. Saying "the rest" makes it seem like Gifted is odd and different from everybody else.

    I wonder if Reagan is 256 from the future, because he has emotions but hides them. Or maybe that little girl from that other chapter is 256 from the past, because 805 was nice to her.

    Wow...more than a thousand words. Sorry for rambling. I don't want to waste your time or pressure you by making you have to edit so much at once. If you want I could write up the comments and gradually give you them later, once you've finished editing. Either way is fine with me. When will you be done with your exams?

    Commented on: May 31, 2014

  • Chris Ramirez: Teenage Crazy

    Well. That Miss Ribe is quite a character. The way her students reacted to her was priceless, and I can't wait to see what happens in the future.  I can't say I've ever had a teacher like that here in America. Which makes me curious, you've been to the States, right? When was that?

    I found the same mistakes, like present tense, tags, and sentence structure. The plot and characters were great, though there's a few parts that I think could personally be a little clearer. Sorry if I seem a little picky.

    One of them is the beginning. I didn't understand what you meant by that (of course me not understanding something isn't saying much =P). Did the bell ring? Did they only have a minute to get to class? It looked like they were late, but I couldn't quite tell. Also, I thought they got to school early. Forgive me if I'm missing something.

    The second was how Markus grinning reminded Chris of the Philippines. You mentioned not having to be shocked by American culture, but how does a grin remind someone of that? Does he remind her of someone from back home?

    Another one was when Chris wanted to research what would happen if she mixed salicylic acid and resorcinol combined with zinc oxide and precipitated sulfur. I didn't understand at first. It might be clearer if you change "if" to "finding out whether".

    Lastly, the part with Markus's hiding spot was a bit strange for me. What did he replace the books with? By untouched did you mean unread? Is the spot an open space behind the books, and if so wouldn't someone see the dolls if they pulled away the books?

    Besides that, I still think this is a great story. You still have that way of showing not telling, and the humor is random but believable. It's hard to say which part made me laugh the most, but I thought it was really funny when Markus looked up at the sun. There's also a bit of mystery, like anything could happen or be happening, and that ending was a nice cliff hanger.

    I'm not against swearing or anything, but I noticed that you don't overuse it, and it isn't the words themselves that make things humorous but the ideas behind them.

    I wonder why Chris was fasting. Is that how she lost weight? 

    Commented on: May 30, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Thanks for taking the time to comment, I really appreciate it! Don't worry about being slow, I really don't mind.

    Your theories are fun to read. I'm glad you like the mysterious part to it, and thanks for catching those things. I'll change it when I can.

    Oh, and that was an excellent sentence, by the way. Way better than mine: Eventually, Christabel Stevenson's attractive Australian rhinoceros, Maximilian, annoyingly disappears altogether.

    Commented on: May 29, 2014

  • Chris Ramirez: Teenage Crazy

    So it looks like Lurky won't tell people about her "making out" with Will, though it's going to be crazy if word gets out of her being with Markus. Wow, you can make so much happen in 1,631 words. This story is somewhat stress-relieving, and I really enjoy reading it.

    The mistakes were mostly the same as the previous chapters, such as how you write tags ("Hello," he said not "Hello." He said). I forgot to mention (forgive me, master) that you tend to mix the present and past tenses. I don't really mind it that much, but it makes the story slightly less fluent.

    They went to the tree to hide, right? It was a bit hard to tell, because the just climbed up something, and he said they have different hiding spots in chapter three. Oh, speaking of chapter three, that message is still there at the end, if you want to remove it.

    I'm still a little curious about some of the characters and how they're related. It seems like the aunt likes talking to Chris's friends, because she read Gabrielle's Facebook message, and I think she was talking to Markus, because he said she mentioned how Chris likes those flowers. Unless that was from the aunt's conversation with Markus's sister. Anyway, if you were thinking of adding it, I would like to see what kind of person Chris's aunt is. She seems really interesting.

    I looked up what a torivor is on Bing (I'm still not sure =P) and a bunch of other things from your story showed up, like the Beyonders books, Minecraft, the Philippines, and Lurker (which sounds like Lurky).

    It's funny how Chris zones out and changes the topic so easily, which is definitely something I can relate to. I like how she went from Lurky to the platanus trees, and from making out to chicken. The way she described the couple also made me laugh. This is a fun, crazy story. I can only guess what will happen in the future chapters, and look forward to reading them.

    Commented on: May 27, 2014

  • Gifted

    It was nice to hear Samantha's and Thomas's story. Not a lot happened in this chapter, but I learned some very tasty information. I like how the characters are so similar but so different. It was an interesting when you compared 440 and Thomas to Wesley. The similarities between Thomas and Carey interested me too. I wonder when I'll find out how Carey got away from the assessors for eighteen years, and how Samantha's dagger looks weird. That was never explained.

    I think the strongest part of your story is the thoughts and emotions of your characters. They are complex but easy to understand, and quite original. If anything I get confused at times about why the characters feel the way they do, or maybe they seem to be very temperamental and their emotions change quickly. It might just be me, but it happens, especially with Carey. The way she suddenly thought that the Gifted were on the good side, and that they (the rebels) were doing the wrong thing, was surprising. She then dismissed the notion just as quickly. Like I said, it might just be stupid ole me, but it's as though some of her emotions are hidden from the reader as we don't always understand why she thinks the say she does. This makes it harder to empathize with her. I'm not saying that whatever goes on in her mind is unrealistic, I'm sure you put a lot of thought and reason into it, but I feel that there could be smoother transitions in between her different thoughts to make them more understandable. For the most part though, their feelings were well conveyed, such as the way Samantha and Thomas acted to each other, and how Caret felt awkward about invading their privacy.

    There are two little things I would like to point out. One is how Thomas didn't put on his gloves right away, but left them off for a while when he talked to Carey. And I thought he burned them when he summoned fire at the inn, when facing 440.

    The second thing is that cliched expression of people shivering even though they aren't cold. You've used that a few times now, like at the end of this chapter. It doesn't make me cringe or anything, but it's something to look out for.

    I know I say this all the time, but your story is so well thought-out and unique. I liked Thomas's story, and everything is similar but different to everything else, if that makes sense. I think it's good that you don't have a pattern for the chapters, like the first half is always about the rebels and the other half is about the Gifted. It makes the chapter more fluent, I suppose, and you don't know what/who it will be about until you get to the end. My favorite part in this chapter, or what I think is the best, was when Sam consoled Carey near the beginning and a little bit at the end. That was some nice words of encouragement.

     

    Commented on: May 27, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Hopefully the randomness doesn't get old over time. The whole plot is sort of like that, though this chapter was the worst one. It made me cringe when I read over it during self-editing =)

    I'm definitely with you on the transitions and all caps. I don't think I did that too often in the rest of the chapters, but I'll skim through them and see.

    Thanks for the comments. I don't mind your being slow, because it's not like you can help it and the comments a very helpful.

    Commented on: May 27, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Thanks a lot for being picky! I did a ton of changes when self-editing but missed a lot of things, because I was concentrated on turning Michael into Sadie. Sorry if everything seems childish and stupid, I think I was taking it too far with the humor.

    I'm glad the girly narration thing was working out. It's probably just because Michael wasn't necessarily boyish though, so I'm still a little worried about that in the future.

    You'll learn more about magic in chapter seven. One thing I should have made clear in chapter one is that anyone can learn magic, which is why Amisto recruited Sadie and Jason. As for how easy it is...that's the tricky part.

    Commented on: May 27, 2014

  • Gifted

    Wow, I'm only about halfway and so much has happened. There was just that one repetitive chapter, besides that you haven't really put in any fluff, if you get what I mean. Every chapter has its purpose. 805 keeps demonstrating his contradiction but in different, curious ways. In this chapter I learned that they were going to/went to a farming village, to invest a murder or something. Was there a rebellion there and a Gifted got killed? Well, I also learned that Janelle got to the new sanctuary safely, and that Reagan has a past with his mom and the new sanctuary owner. 440 was sorry for his actions, and Carey made her first kill.

    My favorite part though was probably the part with the girl, near the end. Ha ha, “It’s – it’s okay Mister Gifted. I can carry it myself, I’m strong.” I think you do a really good job at making people talk realistically based on the age, gender, position, etc. Something I really need to work on, as you'll find out.

    All the things I'm going to nag about for this chapter are about being consistent and stuff. The first one is how Carey told Thomas that she'd seen his hands before. That Carey would say that out loud seemed a little awkward to me, or maybe random, I don't know why.

    The second one is how Carey looked away from 440, but their eyes met. Also, how did their eyes meet twice without someone looking away after the first time? Also, I'm not sure, but I think you're describing people looking at each other the same way every time: His/her (color/dark/light) eyes met his/hers.

    Speaking of 440's eyes, did Samantha close them? It said Carey was "watching her close his glassy eyes."

    In Janelle's perspective, correct me if I'm wrong, but it seemed as though you were showing Theresa's thoughts. Up until then you were consistent with only showing the thoughts of the main character that was being focused on, which was at that time Janelle. Also, it seemed strange when Janelle stuttered in her mind, at the end of her part.

    Okay, two more negative things, then I'll stop niggling* and continue with the comment. The part when 805 was careless enough to lose the map was surprising and slightly amusing, though one little thing is that he could show his not being bothered by in in ways other than having him shrug.

    The last one is parenthesis (do Ctrl+F). Somebody once told me that writing them is a story is informal, and that in a more serious story writing it as a separate sentence is preferred.

    Carey killing 440 was a nice element to the story. I wonder if it will make her hesitant in the future, or maybe broaden her beliefs of Gifted humanity. Maybe she'll "accidentally" loose her sword, kind of how 805 lost his map, so that she won't be able to kill others.

    This might sound stupid, but can Carey attack while she's visible, or can she not concentrate on both at the same time? It's hard to tell whether she's getting stronger, but if she is, being able to fight while invisible will make her a powerful opponent.

    I like your transitions. The down inn to Janelle wondering about the others is a great way of pulling off dramatic irony. We know what happens, but see the characters who don't.

    The characters and their personalities are undeviating (looking for a synonym of consistent), their actions seem natural and they stick with their given personalities. For example, Carey might want to appear tough, but is caring on the inside, and wants people to like her. This was shown in various ways, such as being upset how children don't like her, refusing to see 256 as an enemy, and being upset when non-Gifted are untrusting near her.

    I suppose 805 is in some ways similar, that ole gentle demon, because he wants to follow the Gifted but will do nice things as long as he can, until others stop him. His character must have been hard for you to characterize, because his thoughts are very complex. He's pretty original; not really a bad guy, not quite a good guy.

    And you don't forget what they look like, shown when that Gifted lady thought 256 was 15 years old.

    I found it funny when Carey thought that Samantha and Thomas were in love. Another bit of dramatic irony, as well as 256 thinking that 805 was never punished before though he clearly was. Right? He said in chapter one that the only person who could hurt him had done so a million times.

    Was 805 drinking? Is that why he's so weird? I didn't get that part when 256 smelled his flask.

    Lastly, I wonder what Carey's sleeves would look like if the Gift of stealth had a pattern, and what the other Gifts are. Will it be mentioned later on?

    Commented on: May 26, 2014

  • Chris Ramirez: Teenage Crazy

    I'm glad that you found the comments helpful. I know how frustrating it is when people pretend that your story is perfect and doesn't have any errors, though this one is still pretty great. I noticed that chapters one and three have almost the exact same word count. Was that a coincidence or are you just really good with words? Anyway, here's your comment:

    I know it's because of your hiatuses, but there were several typos, and parts that I found confusing, though I'm understanding it a lot better know. I'm sure you can catch the typos, but one of the things I don't get is whether Gabrielle lives in the Philippines or the United States. I'm guessing that it takes place in the U.S. because she mentioned "America" and that usually means the U.S. Besides that, the confusion is only because of wording, like in the first paragraph. Also when you said, "He is the guy in this." and I didn't get whether she moved out of the biker's way because she said of course she did, but then she said that if she did she would have been run over by a car.

    There was one little inconsistency, when Chris had three minutes to get to the park, but then she went back in time and suddenly had four minutes =)

    I'm pretty sure you know the difference between American, and British English, but if you're a little confused here's a site I found: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_and_British_English_spelling_differences#-re.2C_-er

    Your writing style is good, but three typos I would just like to correct (sorry if you already know these) are that God is capitalized, it's ole or ol' not 'ole, and ellipses are written with spaces in between each dot and the words on either side.  

    I like how you pay attention on the little things, like how Will slapped Chris on the cheek that Markus didn't kiss. It really adds to the humor, also the things that people don't really think about, like saying hellishly cold.

    You also have an indirect way of explaining things, like Chris's appearance and what people think of her. I don't know how to explain it much better, but basically I think you're doing a good job of showing rather than telling.

    Everything's pretty well thought-out, for a story that doesn't have pre-plotting (ha ha, I do that too).

    So I'm getting the relationship between Chris and Will. They finally see each other, and it sounds like Chris wants them to be a thing, at least friends, or at least she did before she found out that Will had a girlfriend. Poor girl. And if Lurky tells people that Chris and Will were making out, that girl's probably going to dump Chris. Then Chris and Markus might not be friends again.

    Hey, would you mind looking at The Voices of Faie? It doesn't have to be full comments, I was wondering if the humor was too weak, and if so whether I should try making it funnier (suggestions are welcome), try a different style, or just call it a regular, non-humor book. But I only want you to read it if it interests you (it's fantasy). If you don't have the time that's also understandable. Either way I'll still be commenting on your story.

    Commented on: May 26, 2014

  • Gifted

    Oh, I thought 805 and 256 were going to Rosa's inn. They were almost there, 256 wondered where they were going and then it switched to Carey's perspective. So where are they going? 805 is a really weird person, maybe he's taking 256 somewhere he wants to take him. Like maybe it's not a council-given mission but a private one. 805 seems like a loner, which is perfectly understandable since he has the Gift of earth. I get what he meant by being a hypocrite. He sort of wants to do the right thing, but...I don't know, it's like he thinks that it's impossible to be a good person in their world, especially in the position he's in as a Gifted, and doesn't want to push it. But I think he's a good person underneath, because not only did he hesitate before killing the villager lady and do it quickly but it looked like the Leader punished him a lot for doing good things, judging from that one paragraph near the end of 256's half of the chapter. Maybe it will be the other way around, where 805 won't "help" 256 with being more loyal, but 256 could get the two of them to join the rebels like Carey did.

    I'm going to be a picky Tiburon here, there are a couple kind-of inconsistencies. It's just that 256 forgot to put his gray uniform jacket back on and 805 left their bags behind. At least you didn't mention it.

    I wonder how many times Carey is going to think I am the sky, the ground, the air...I am nothing. If she thinks that every time she uses her power, that phrase is going to get stuck in my head. It does make me a little curious though. If she's all those things, does she have the Gifts of air, earth, and air too? Maybe fire?

    Another repetitive statement is making tears fall on people. Carey must have the Gift of water, because she was making it rain on Rosa. Is that an anime thing? Also in that one chapter when someone's tears were forming small puddles. Ha ha, hilarious.

    A couple times I feel like you put commas where there could be periods, such as this part near the end:

    “Thomas!” Samantha yelled, apparently she’d heard the commotion.

    I know you non-Americans hate short sentences, but if you would like my humble opinion, I would make that a period. At least put "...apparently having heard".

    On the bright side, I really like your emotions in this chapter. They were fascinating but realistic - I like how Carey still felt bad for 440 when his arm got cut off.

    Oh yeah, speaking of that, there were a lot of surprised in this chapter, too. Even the ones that I expected were pulled off well. 440's arm getting cut off is one. Also seeing into 805's mind a little, the Gifted getting raided, Rosa perishing and Carey being able to turn other people invisible. And Thomas having the Gift of fire, that was quite shocking. Carey's and Thomas's powers open up more possibilities for the future, building up their arsenal. It's too bad they lost a lot of people though...

    I wonder if the Gifted have other people, like 256 and 805, who are defiant of the Council and the way things work. That could be another hidden weakness. Sorry if I've already said that before.

    It looks like I'll get in another comment later today, I have to know what happens next.

    Commented on: May 26, 2014

  • Gifted

    Oh, yeah. My opinion of 805 did change in this chapter. He's not very nice to people...when he killed that woman I thought she was Janelle disguised as a normal villager, and I was like, "Noooo! Janelle!!!" Anyway, I guess I was right about him thinking he's superior. Well, I still think he does, anyway, because he thinks he can rule the Gifted better than the council already does. I think I believed that he was nice to others because he's like 256 from the future and the older man sees himself in 256, so of course he's nice-ish to him. I knew it! I knew that someone is 256 from the future! #256fromthefuture! ;) Just kidding. He seemed pretty powerful though, for an earth Gifted, the way he created that little earthquake. I guess his perceived weakness is in comparison to the other Gifted, or maybe the other earth Gifted are just weaker than that. Does he really read 256's mind or is it because he was in a similar position at his age, and can relate?

    I personally thought that the first paragraph was a little fast-paced and confusing, though I suppose that's how 256 felt, if that's what you were going for.

    Also, the repetition isn't too common and it doesn't bother me, but to point out another example, 256 has been holding his hand in his heads I mean his head in his hands, several times now. Oh, and it was awkward when Janelle asked them if they'd found somewhere, instead of whether they'd found a place to use as a sanctuary. Is that another weird Australian thing?

    About what you said in your last reply, it's interesting how the Gifted don't learn history, and how they retreat into their own shells, and even if attachments were legal they still wouldn't even think about it. It's going to be a huge mess if 805 starts seeing 256 as a son, like that one trainer lady...maybe that's why he wouldn't kill 256 for making a mistake.

    Samantha and Carey interest me too. And Reagan. They were all disturbed, and Janelle couldn't figure out why. When Carey grabbed her sleeve, and wanted to ask the older woman something, that was strange...

    Ha, I like your word choice in general. I've learned several words by reading your story, like niggle in this chapter.

    I thought it was smart how they sorted out the groups that would move to the new sanctuary. I can see why Janelle would want to be last, grouping people the way she did, and why Samantha and Marvin would make corrections. It's a good thing Marvin is with them. It seems like he is gaining more of Janelle's trust now, because they're all friendly and stuff.

    Another thing to like here is details like Reagan's smiles seeming forced, and Janelle thinking that the Gifteds' lives would be more extravagant. Even more stuff to make the story really engaging.

    I might get in to comments tomorrow, if I have the time. Good luck on your exams, and stay beautiful.

    Commented on: May 25, 2014

  • Chris Ramirez: Teenage Crazy

    Ooh, a little bit of romance here. It was amusing when Chris said that everything was movie-esque, because she's part of a book, which is pretty much like a movie but just words instead of images and sounds. Speaking of books, does she like to read? She mentioned books a few times.

    Who does Chris look like? Someone from Markus's past? Was that part cut off, or is it supposed to be a mystery, like how her appearance changed?

    I thought I was going dyslexic when I mixed up Marvin and Markus. You used those two names in the same spot, and they look almost the same, so when you said Markus I read it as Marvin, and thought that Markus's name was changed to Marvin or something.

    What dialect do you use? American English, British English? I noticed that you said "criticise" which is British British spelling (American is "criticize") but you also wrote "realize" which is American (British spelling is "realise").

    I liked the part near the end, when Markus's sister and Chris's aunt blabbed to each other for so long. That's pretty realisic =) I wonder where their parents are.

    But my favorite parts were probably when Chris and Markus talked to each other. They're a little weird, but in a lovable way. It was funny how she let that one friend pour ammonia on the other person's wound. Also when she thought he teleported when he hid in the tree.

    That's all I have to say about this chapter, unless I've missed something. It's been a pleasure reading this story, and I'll be commenting on the next few chapters when they come out.

    Commented on: May 25, 2014

  • Chris Ramirez: Teenage Crazy

    Ha ha, I was wondering what you meant by a library call. Chris has some interesting friends. The characters and plot line are pretty original, and very enjoyable. The characters all have their different roles in the story, and are different from each other.

    I like how they make up different word and euphemistic phrases, like "oh my glob" and "holy shire." ItLog sounds like an itneresting language =) Just curious, if it's a mix of English, Italian, and Tagalog, where's the English in it's name? "It" from Italian and "Log" from Tagalog...ha ha.

    One statement I didn't get:

    "And, badum 're stuck with me whether you like it or not." Markus stated as the bell rang, signifying the start of the next class.

    Press the Ctrl and F keys at the same time and type the first few words into the box that comes up, and you'll see where that is. What do "badum" and "'re" mean?

    A little bit after that, I saw one of my pet peeves. That's the use of present-tense words like "this" (which I saw) and "now," "today," and "tonight." It seems slightly less fluent when there's present tense in a book that's written in the past tense.

    One thing I like is the way you convey the feelings and emotions of the characters. You're doing a good job of showing instead of telling, because I can tell what the relationships are between the characters without Chris having to tell me directly.

    I wonder what Brian's secret is, if it wasn't that he was playing at 11 p.m. on a school night. The people form Chris's past are starting to show themselves, and it's nice getting to know them.

    How did you think of all this? I'm not very far in the story and it's already a fairly intricate plot. Very detailed, and nicely written =)

    I'm going to end my comment here, and start on the comment for chapter three. I would be happy to answer any questions or add anything to these comments that you would like to see. 

     

    Commented on: May 25, 2014

  • Chris Ramirez: Teenage Crazy

    Sorry this is late, I've been a little busy. But I finally got the chance to comment! I really like your story. It's a bit random and silly but still believable. The interactions between characters is entertaining, and I like Chris. She seems sassy but still like a good person. So I'm going to start with the cons and then the pros, and then what I think about the story itself. Feel free to ask any questions if there's something I don't cover.

    I like the plot, if there's anything that you could improve on I think it's typos and being more descriptive. If you want me to tell you were the mistake are I don't mind, otherwise you could catch them when you do self-editing. There aren't a lot and they aren't really annoying, but little things like ending quotations in commas. Here's an example from the beginning:

    "I'm uhh... I'm errr... I'm... Chris Ramirez. The uhh... new student from A-As-Asia." I drawl out.

    It should be like, "I'm...Asia," I drawl out. =) There are a few other typos, but like I said it's no biggy.

    I know this is humor/comedy and it's more based on dialog/thoughts, but in case you were wondering it's not as detailed through the whole chapter. This means the five senses and stuff. I was confused on whether Gabrielle and Chris's aunt live in the Philippines or wherever Chris is now. Where is that, by the way? Who is Xlawsteu, and is he really a dog? I don't know, it might just be me - I get confused a lot =)

    Anyway, like I said, Chris's narration is silly but still realistic and relatable. The plot is well thought out, and it seems original to me. I like how you have short chapters, because then we readers can read it in little bits at a time and it's less overwhelming. The chapter was nice and easy to read. The humor isn't too crazy and doesn't get old.

    Ha ha, what's a baby alive? Like a live baby? One that's living and breathing? Something about that term made me laugh. I don't think I've ever heard someone say that before.

    I wonder how Chris is different, and what will make her stand out among the others. Hopefully she'll be good friends with Jason and Markus. It looks like they'll have some interesting adventures together. From the looks of it, anything can happen.

    That's about it for this chapter. I'll comment for the other chapters right now. Like I said, let me know if there's anything else you would like me to talk about, or if there's something I said that needs clarifying.

    Commented on: May 25, 2014

  • Gifted

    Ha ha, don't be sorry. As for my first impression on 805, I can't say much, but he seems like a smart man, maybe one of those people who are nice to others but believe that they're smarter than them. Because of the third to last paragraph, I'm thinking that 256 will look up to him as a sort of role model, like he'll see the older man as what he should be like.

    I'm really sorry, but I forgot to say that in the sixth paragraph up, 805 said that he would kill 256 if he made a mistake, but wouldn't punish him for the slightest mistake. I think that could be re-worded. But I liked how 256 was embarrassed by how an Earth Gift had to carry him, that was a little funny.

    Commented on: May 25, 2014

  • Gifted

    Until the end when 256 thought about being someone's son or brother, I thought he was in love with 913 and 440 (in a romantic way), and I was going to say that it didn't make sense that he would love all three of them, or that he would love another boy if he loved two girls. Anyway, it's crazy how the Gifted disapprove of family relationships as well as romantic ones...I wonder what their motive is. Distracting emotions doesn't seem like a fair excuse, because it's only distracting when people like 256 are tortured and forced to spend time alone thinking about where their loyalties lie. Then again, I don't know what it was like before the Gifted made that rule, so maybe I can't judge them.

    You're writing is good overall, though there is the problem of repetition. People are always referred to as he, she, the older man, or the older woman, the latter two being more common than one might think. Also, type in "after all" in that word search thing (Ctrl+F) and you'll see that you used it like "...after all. After all..."

    I was confused at the beginning, when 256 was having that dream/memory about when he met 440 (though I really liked reading it). Also at the end, when 256 had those thoughts. I thought that it was the seven-year-old 256 thinking, not the eighteen-year-old one. Also, "See you later" seemed like a weird three words to seal his fate. It should be obvious that they would see each other, and saying that didn't make them brothers.

    At about two thirds of the way down (type in chances) the Leader talked about how 256 got a third chance. Wouldn't it be his fourth? After 913 he got his second chance, third one with 440, and...unless it's the third because he wasn't punished with 913.

    You did a good job of conveying the emotions here. It was funny how 440 was being both mean and nice to 256 at the same time. His feelings really are ambivalent.

    I also liked 256's thoughts, and how you wrote them. It was obvious that he's split between two personalities, the "rational" one and a humanitarian one. It's sad how he's going to forget about the people he loves just so he can fit in with the other Gifted. It was a hard decision for him though, and he doesn't completely want to do it, so I'm thinking that he won't really forget. He didn't forget before, and it's not in his personality. You know what they say, people never change. He has a purpose and life, and I think he will be crucial when they bring down the Gifted. He is a main character after all, so hopefully he doesn't become corrupted like 440.

    It was interesting how they spared 256 because of the small amount of Gifted on the island. Maybe that's one of their weaknesses. The rebels might be weaker, but might easily outnumber them. If I have my history facts right, kind of like Russia in the world wars.

    Another thing is how there are numerous rebellions. They're all run by Janelle's group, right? I wonder if they're accomplishing anything besides getting support, and why they're attacking the larger villages where there's more Gifted.

    There are two more things I would like to say, two things I'm a little curious about. One is what the Gifted do if they don't find out their Gift until they're five to seven years old. Do they learn swordplay, unarmed combat, history? Are they just looked after, like little kids in a daycare, not learning much of anything?

    The last thing before finishing this comment is that I wonder what it would be like if one of the Gifted were seen with a pet, and what their opinion on that is. 256 has been a son, a brother, friend, a lover...but not a pet owner. Hm...

    Commented on: May 24, 2014

  • Gifted

    "What a strange dagger she had." How? Was it a dagger that her brother made her? Using his GIFT? Wow, if they're both Gifted...anybody could be gifted, really. Maybe every single person on the small island isolated from the rest of the world has one, and it's just more obvious in some of them. The civilians, as with Carey and maybe Samantha/Thomas, could have Gifts but even the Gifted can't detect it, so on Assessment day they aren't taken. Or the Gifted could know about it, and only take the ones who obviously have one. And their goal would be to keep things under control, maybe things would get bloody and stuff if normal people realized they had Gifts and got into fights.

    Something I thought was a little weak was the emotion change. Maybe it's because I'm a boy and we boys are so apathetic, but the way Carey and Janelle just burst out crying (Carey in the previous chapter) seemed not random but dramatic. You might not want to put thoughts in there, because it was from Carey's perspective. But Janelle seems like a sort of privatish person, not someone who would cry in front of someone who resented her. Or were those fake tears? The rest of their emotions were good.

    The time is a bit confusing. At first I thought it was night, then late morning (They gave Carey breakfast in the late morning? That's late!), and after that it was in the afternoon. I wonder if one of them has the Gift of Time.

    I would like to know what Carey thinks of the other rebels after she met them. Surely she's hoping that she can get along with her new allies, or maybe seeing which ones she could trust more, maybe they're still a little suspicious of her, and she reacts somehow. Oh yeah, everybody but Samantha seemed suddenly excited about having a rogue Gifted on their side, while before they were more serious.

    Though I guess Janelle is happy about it because, if the Gifted are still human on the inside, then her daughter wasn't turned into a cruel, heartless person like the Gifted are always thought to be.

    It's nice how you remember little things, like Carey needing to change and a wooden sword, and her thought process up to the point of her making her decision. It was funny how she was being bitter towards Janelle, criticizing her and giving her dirty looks. Also the way she thought Janelle was smug, even though she was happy. Unless she really was smug. Was she?

    I was a little confused when you said that they went upstairs to the first floor. In Australia do you count the ground floor and first floor as two different floors? How strange.

    Wait, was Samantha's story true, if she threatened Carey at the end? Before she said it was partially false, a story from her village. That sounds like that one old lady that Carey met. Did Samantha and Carey both come from Village 13? I wonder if they're related somehow. It occurred to me that Carey didn't tell them her names.

    This is a bit unrelated, but I wonder what would have happened if 256 told the Gifted that he let Carey go so that she wouldn't tempt him to feel unnecessary and distracting emotions (love).

    That's it for today. I hope you've found this comment helpful.

     

    Commented on: May 23, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Ha ha, I love your conspiracy theories. Oh, and thanks for catching the thing about alley cats. You're very attentive. I'll have to fix that, and make things more detailed, when I do some editing.

    Commented on: May 22, 2014

  • Gifted

    So "really cares for her friends" is wrong and I have to take out a letter? What, does she really care for her fiends? Oh no, she's a demon!!! Just kidding, I get it. Janelle's her only friend, which is sad and curious. I can't wait to find out about her past - her real one. Also, is her brother Thomas an earth Gifted? That could be how he makes the swords, and maybe he points his ring finger so he doesn't accidentally use his Gift somehow? Of course, the earth Gifted can't use their powers on contact, so I don't know how that would work.

    When looking over your chapters, remember to check for past things, like thoughts and spelling. I think you've used American spelling once or twice, as in "realize" instead of "realise." (Ha ha, my spell check says that realise isn't a word.) Of course you can do the Ctrl+F thing to see where.

    I'm definitely not trying to imply anything when I ask this, but do you read your chapters back before publishing them? I've been trying to get into that habit because it reveals a lot of mistakes that you didn't notice when writing. Also, there are some things that only you can catch, because you know how exactly you want the story to go and it might not look the way you want it, but people who comment on it won't be able to tell.

    Another thing is sometimes it's hard to tell who's talking. This is one example, again you can find it by pressing the Ctrl and F keys and typing it in:

    She smirked as she saw the vein in Janelle’s forehead pulsing. “Fine, it was me. Happy now? And I would have killed you too, but one of the other Gifted attacked me before I could.”

    The main person doing something is Carey, but the dialog was Janelle's. It wasn't that confusing, just slowed down the pace a bit.

    I think the thing with Reagan was interesting, and the way he acted made me laugh. I don't really like how Janelle's reaction to him was portrayed. It seemed a little strange to me how Janelle was suspicious but didn't do anything, thinking she was just being suspicious. I don't know, I just think that she would be more careful. I thought she was being paranoid too (being suspicious of someone just because they're enthusiastic) but it doesn't seem like her. I don't know, maybe it's just me.

    I wasn't feeling Janelle's impatience when she talked to Carey for the second time, at the end. At first she seemed emotionless, maybe curious, and then she was being nice, and then trying to stay calm.

    I thought that everything else was well done though. Janelle made a great point at the end. I hadn't thought of the Gifted going to her village. I like how Samantha and Janelle treated Carey differently, so that there was a difference between them. Samelle seemed more vicious, like she wanted to get revenge on Carey or something. Janantha was impatient, but tried hard to hide it because she wanted to gain Carey's trust. And yes, I misspelled their names on purpose. Anyway, the things they said and how they said it was interesting.

    I'm glad you talked about Thomas. I wanted to know more about him, and he sounds like an interesting figure. It adds to the mystery of everything, because we still don't know much about him, and his finger is weird. He wears gloves, too.

    Don't ask why, maybe because of the way things worked out in the chapter, but I'm expecting them to all wake up, and it will have been a dream. Maybe it's something like Sword Art Online with that ALfheim thing where they have different magic powers, but it isn't real. That's my crazy theory for this chapter =P

    I wish I could read more today but I can only fit in one comment. I'll be looking forward to reading another chapter tomorrow.

    Commented on: May 22, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Jason doesn't have a mum. He has a mom....Just kidding. Thanks for taking the time to read a chapter. I'm glad you're liking it so far. It's "nice and light" throughout the story, but gets a little darker at the middle.

    When Sadie said "I'm sorry if the story..." she was talking about Jason. I'm not sure how much you'll get out of her on terms of her personality. She's more important in book two, but her personality develops in this book too, just more slowly than Jason's. If you think she should be developed more quickly, I'll take that into consideration.

    I get what you mean about ALL CAPS. It does seem a little annoying and disrespectful. The redundancy makes sense too. Thanks a lot for catching all these little things.

    Commented on: May 22, 2014

  • Gifted

    Nooo that's just as much of a cliffhanger! Anyway, I knew it! I knew Samantha was Gifted. Well, I guessed it. She's hiding something from Janelle, and is so confident. And it would make sense, if 256 and 440 freed her in the past. Or maybe just 440...Now I'm just confused. Is she gifted? Couldn't she have used her Gift of fire during the fight? And what was in her dagger pouch? Your plot is so brilliant. You obviously put a lot of thought into it.

    I'm really sorry, but I still can't find as much to dislike about these chapters. I've been focusing so much on the story itself. I feel really bad, like my comments are less valuable. I do have a few things to point out, but like I said, if you have any questions, even about an earlier chapter, feel free to ask.

    Anyway, one thing is how Janelle and Samantha expected to gain Carey's trust. She's a Gifted, and could have harmed them. Why would any normal Gifted trust a villager? I mean, they were suspicious of her.

    Some of the things I've said in earlier comments, like spelling typos and the thoughts thing, should be considered for all the chapters when you self-edit. They aren't a big thing, but can be found in several chapters.

    I don't really like Samantha that much. She seems too perfect. Beautiful, smart, wise, really cares about her friends...and she's gifted? Eh...I'm sure you have her weaknesses, I would like to know them. Sorry, I just hate perfect people.

    One more thing as I desperately look for things to nag about. The story generally doesn't appeal to all five senses, and this could be a minor thing, but at times you may want to think more about how the characters react to their environment, and how it effects them. Kind of like how well they can see in the dark.

    Is there a spy in the inn? Rosa or Samantha would make great spies. Rosa seems too nice, and Samantha is likely Gifted. And what was that exchange between Samantha and Rosa before Rosa got them the sandwiches? Was Rosa going to poison Carey, because she wore the Gifted uniform, and Sam warned her not to?

    It really messed with my mind when Samantha said that she used to live in village 13, and wandered from sanctuary to sanctuary. Just like that old lady previously mentioned earlier in the chapter and and in chapter 1.

    Poor Carey, she's Gifted, so the others are scared of her, but the Gifted hate her for running away. How would her family react if she returns?

    I thought it was a little funny when they all turned their heads toward Carey, and Janelle thought they could be less obvious. It's nice how you pay attention to little things like that.

    Yeah, that's just about all I have to say. Are you sure this is the first draft? Surely not, it's so good. I really like this story. Unfortunately I can't read another chapter today. It's been a pleasure, and I hope you have a nice day/ night's sleep. 

    Commented on: May 21, 2014

  • Gifted

    Is that what 256 and 440 did in the past, let someone go? Will 256 get the punishment that they got before? If 440 felt a wee bit sorry for him (he was looking down as 256 begged him for help) then it must be a really harsh punishment. I hope 256 will be okay. It was nice of him to let Carey go. Maybe she'll help the rebels or something. Oh, and that ending. I HAVE to find out what happens. So I'm going to read the next chapter right after finishing this comment. Carey, 256, and Janelle, they're all good guys but each one is technically an enemy of the other two. I really like what you have going here. Excellent plot.

    I'm still having a hard time finding things I don't like in these chapters, even after looking back on it a few times. I don't want to leave you without any criticism, though, so I'm going to say a few things that confused me in this chapter. I apologize if I'm just being stupid or over-analytical.

    One, it could just be a little thing, is that 2405 was at first disapproving of 256 and his actions. You said that there was not a hint of emotion in her voice. It seemed like nobody really had any sympathy for 256. But then 2405 was smiling sadly, and 440 looked like he was struggling to agree with 2405. I mean, 440's a molester, why would he care so much about 256? It seemed like he didn't really like him.

    Another thing is 440 not being punished. He let Carey go too, maybe not intentionally but he did. And the others knew it. Wouldn't they be suspicious of him too? They accepted the fact of her overcoming him (an air Giftee nonetheless).

    The last thing is really picky. Near the end Janelle tried to disguise the hesitation in her voice, in the paragraph that began with, "We – we have to keep going..." I feel that disguising hesitation is a bit impossible, because pausing is obvious. Did you mean to say disguise the doubt in her voice? Or do people disguise hesitation in their voices in Australia? I guess that's another cultural thing.

    Like in the other chapters, this one has great thoughts and dialog. It all seems natural, but not necessarily expected. 256's reaction and Marvin's talk with Janelle were nicely done. It's interesting how the rebels wanting to see her finally got Janelle off the bed and change her mind. And 256 obviously is worried about his punishment, and doesn't want to go through it, even though he seemed brave before.

    I liked your idea of sedating 256. The people also had the Gift of fire, so they couldn't get burned by 256 but cut off his air supply with smoke.

    Your transitions were nice too, not with the space between paragraphs but with the change of emotions between the characters, especially with Janelle.

    Okay, that's it for this chapter. But I'm going to move on to the next chapter right away because I really want to know what happens next. Until then.

    Commented on: May 21, 2014

  • Gifted

    Wow. What's going to happen with Carey now? She finally escaped, but had to leave 256. I was literally crying (not really) but really this chapter was so tense and emotional. I didn't think that she would be able to escape...that was really nice of 256. He's way nicer than 440 (okay, that's an understatement). Will he regret his decisions? Will Carey find the rebels and join them? Maybe be the leader? I'm still wondering whether she has more powers that the Leader didn't tell her about, because it says in the description that she has powers even the Gifted can't explain.

    I could only find two negative things for this chapter. I was confused when Carey thought that 256 would kill her. I just mean, sure, she thought he had to, but they're friends. Also, 440 said that he wouldn't kill her, but then he said that he would. and then he told her to keep it a secret. I think I might have misinterpreted that part.

    I was a little confused at this part;

    256 stepped out from behind a tree. His black hair was disheveled, his uniform covered in dust. But that was nothing compared to his dark brown eyes, not a hint of emotion reflected in them.

    What did you mean by, "But that was nothing"?

    There are two things that I forgot to talk about in the last reviews. I liked how in chapter 12 you used Janelle's and 256's height as a factor for their fight. It was interesting how Janelle was used to fighting someone who was taller than her, but 256 made it hard for her because he's short too. I also liked how Janelle in chapter 13 was upset about not knowing the rebels' names, because the Gifted don't use their names. It's like she felt like a Gifted person or something.

    You've been doing a great job of paying attention to detail, like how much heat 256 can tolerate and Carey tiring. The thing where she has to be invisible to not make any noise was interesting. I liked your action scenes, where Carey fought 440 and 256.

    Let me know if there's anything that you want my thoughts on, something I haven't covered, and I would be happy to answer any questions you may have.

    By the way, when did you change your last name? Are you a spy?

    Commented on: May 20, 2014

  • Gifted

    Am I supposed to understand what exactly 256 and 440 did? It seems to make 440 feel smug, and 256 thought he moved over it but is still bothered. I think it was something bad, having to do with women...but 256 is still a virgin, according to 440. And why were the two boys screaming? I don't know, if you want to tell me then fine, otherwise I'll wait.

    Sorry if this is off topic, but I would like to apologize for what I said in my last reply about your comments being more valuable. I wasn't trying to imply that they are not already. Actually, they are very special to me because they're honest and direct but fun to read, and you've made some very good points. I guess what I meant to say is that your comments are like really yummy chocolate cake. You don't want someone to feed you it all at once. Instead it's better getting it a little at a time, so you can savor it. So it's okay if you're going to be slower for the next few weeks because then I can savor your comments =)

    As for your review; I'm still liking the thoughts (in italics), because they help make things more intense and submersive. I just think they would be a bit more fluent if if they weren't almost always at the end of the paragraph they're in. This might be another personal thing, but it sort of makes a pattern of actions, thoughts, actions, etc. and it feels less natural that way. 

    I didn't think that there was much that was wrong here. Two more things, they might just be me as well. One is on the 21st paragraph, where 256 ignored 440. I was confused when 440 let him do that, not talking immediately but creeping up on him later.

    Second is when several paragraphs down, when 256 thought about how he had ruined his boots. It seemed a little irrelevant to me. Also, 256 doesn't sound like a person who would say "Damn it."

    Anyway, I liked how you dealt with the sensitive matter of sex in this chapter (440 talking to 256 about Carey, and Janelle having had a baby). Your story up until now hadn't even gone near there, so when 440 mentioned it, I was a little shocked. It helped create the mood of the chapter, and I felt a little of 256's resentment for 440. The way 256 reacted to 440's suggestion was appropriate, as you aren't making sexual misconduct sound like a good thing. The subtle way 440 mentioned it was also good. I just hope 256 isn't going to do anything to Carey that he will regret in the near future. He must not give in!

    The relationship between 256 and 440 is well thought-out and intriguing. They give the story a bit of mystery. What's also nice is the relationship between Janelle and Samantha.

    I'm glad that the girls are friends again. And the way you wrote their conversations; the narration was a bit repetitive, the way you had it, but that reflected the repetitiveness of Samantha and Marvin talking to Janelle so many times. It was nice to hear them talking, to get the chance to know what Sam was telling Jan. I agree with her and think Jan should keep leading them, because she cares so much about her rebels. Also, I'm glad that you didn't make Jan change her mind at the end of the chapter. That would have been anticipated, but instead you went with the realistic but not quite expected move. I mean, Sam persuaded me, and I thought Jan would be convinced as well. But that didn't happen. Her actual conclusion was rather thought-provoking.

    I'm ending the comment here. Don't worry about me being ahead of you on comments. Like I tried to say, it's okay if you can't get in a lot for a while. I love reading them but certainly don't mind waiting. So I can keep commenting once per day/two days, stop commenting for a while, or type up the comments but not post them until you aren't busy any more. Which would you prefer?

    Commented on: May 19, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Thanks a lot for the comment, and sorry you had to read it so late. I looked over the whole thing a couple weeks ago and did a lot of editing, but missed some stuff, like the prolog. HA was my first book so it's kind of weird. 

    One thing that might be confusing is that Sadie used to be a boy named Michael. I wanted to make the story more gender-neutral and changed him, but there might still be parts where it says "Michael" instead of "Sadie." Please let me know if that happens, or if she seems too masculine. Or if someone calls her and Jason "you boys." 

    Don't worry if you're going to be slower for a while. Your comments will be more valuable that way, and like I said, I will have more time to work on Voices of Faie. 

     

    Commented on: May 19, 2014

  • Gifted

    A Note: I think your did very well on this action scene. Emma and James dying was most unexpected, and made the fight very thrilling! Also, the fact that Janelle, Carey, and 256 are all main characters but Carey and 256 were fighting Janelle, because they were on different sides. I didn't know which one to root for, but rather hoped that Janelle managed to knock 256 down and not kill him. But then again, she was going to kill Carey, and would have if it weren't for 256. So...I guess I'm glad with the way things worked out. for those three. It was really sad when the few rebels died. The other thing was that wavering between hope and despair as at times it looked like Carey/Janelle were gaining the upper hand, then they were losing, and it switched back and forth. I thought it was realistic that they forgot what they were told, between Carey using her gift and Janelle not letting 256 touch her.

    Oh, yeah, just an aside; I think I'm going to stop using emoticons because I feel really girly. By no means is it due to hating your chapters or anything and I don't want to seem less friendly, just wanted to say that.

    Anyway, there were a few things that I would like to point out here. (Sorry if I say something stupid again.) One is when in the eleventh paragraph (begins with "okay") 1719 told the Gifted to not waste their time and just kill the rebels, but, as 440 told them to three paragraphs above that, they talked to them first.

    Secondly, now this might be really stupid of me, but I've never heard someone say, "I just mean." Just...I don't know if that was a typo, or people say that...

    One thing I forgot to ask you was what instrument James plays. It's a little detail, but one that I was curious about.

    I'm not the best at action scenes, so I apologize as I honestly couldn't find anything that was particularly bad about it. I looked over it again, and can offer you one thing, that it was night, so I think that it would quite possibly be hard for everybody to see...? Unless there were street lights or something, or maybe the fire illuminated the fight, which I would mention.

    I liked how Carey and 256 acted. Carey was nervous about fighting, because she would be fighting her own people on the side of her enemies, but didn't want the Gifted to see her hesitate. Before she could turn invisible, Janelle got to her. She had no choice but to fight.

    It was funny how Carey was insulted when 256 tried to help him, and then insulted him back. That seemed very natural.

    I'm glad 256 didn't kill himself when he set himself on fire. That part was a little tense. I wonder if he's going to have those feelings bother him after saving Carey's life and risking death for her. And I'm anxious to find out what's with him and 440.

    It was so shocking when Sam killed 1719, the sort-of leader of the town's Gifted's leader. I guess she wasn't expecting Sam to attack. I just mean, neither was I.

    Wait, did 256 mean to keep Jan alive? That's interesting. If so, maybe he was doing it for Carey, because he didn't want to hurt someone on his crush's side.

    That's it for this comment. I know you're busy, so it's understandable if you don't have the time to reply right away. Sorry if I was interrupting your work, I hope you got it all done.

    Commented on: May 18, 2014

  • Gifted

    Oh, great. What a cliffhanger. This was a short, easy-reading chapter, so I think I'm going to give a shorter comment.

    The chapter seemed a bit repetitive because a lot of the stuff, like the way the characters think and act, has happened before. I've already seen Janelle worry about whether to go with the plan, even though the two older men disagree with it, and her being annoyed by James and Emma. Carey already tried to escape but failed, two chapters ago.

    However, this chapter wasn't useless. I learned a few things. Carey and 256 arrived a month ago, and in another month the rebels are going to attack the Lake Village. By the way, do they know about the reinforcements? It doesn't look like it. I'm a little nervous, because it looks like they're going to get killed. Especially if 440 has the Gift of air. Plus they don't seem to be taking it seriously. They lost the element of surprise, but hopefully Marvin's information will give them the upper hand.

    Anyway, I also learned in this chapter that Emma ran away for the same reason as Jan and Sam, and that James wants adventure (which is kind of ironic, because he seems to prefer staying in the inn playing music, and that isn't very adventurous). I was surprised when I found out that the story has factories and trains. This must be how Carey felt when she found out...interesting.

    I'm going to nag you about four little things. One is Richard. I don't remember you naming him, but I assume he's the old man that joined them near the end of chapter seven.

    Didn't James leave? He said near the end of chapter nine that he gave up because Janelle was a lost cause. It seemed like he was still with the movement though in this chapter, the way he talked to them.

    A tiny thing that slightly annoyed me was how James and Emma both said, "You know?" at the end of their sentences, as if Emma was copying James.

    Lastly, Janelle sipped the soup even though it was too hot. She really is a rebel.

    A lot of the things I like are from the previous chapters, like the decision-making and thoughts. You still have the interesting character relationships. Carey cares about 256 because he was nice to her, but feels a little mad at him still for taking her away in the first place. And Janelle also has a sort of love-hate relationship, with James and Emma. They annoy her, but she wants the company. I like how their feelings aren't all black and white.

    Yeah, that's about it for this comment. Let me know if you have any questions.

    Commented on: May 16, 2014

  • Gifted

    Well, I think 1719 (hey, that's the year I was born in!) is having an identity crisis. You seemed to think that she was a guy named 2405. I mean, having a number as a name could be considered an id crisis in itself, but still =) I'm guessing she was 2405 at first, and then you changed him/her? If so, I understand. I've done that more than once in my stories. A friend from fanfiction showed me this cool thing where if you press the Ctrl and F keys at the same time, this long skinny box comes up at the top of your window and if you type a word into it that word is highlighted every time it appears in your chapter, so you can type in the person's old name and see where you put that name to change it to the new one, and you can't miss it. I don't know if it's just on our computers (it's not a sparkatale thing, you can do it anywhere), but wanted to tell you in case you have it too. Am I making sense? Sorry for rambling. I'm talking way more than I should.

    It looks like we both type our ellipses wrong. I think you write them like. . . this, when there should be a space in between not only each period and the word after it but also the first period and the letter before it (like . . . this). I don't know, I may be wrong. Sorry for being dumb =P

    One thing I noticed, either an inconsistency or a confusion, is the number of gifted in the gifted building. Before they entered and after 1719 talked to the group of peoplefive people. Were nineteen of them not gifted or something?

    Was Carey's face literally green? Is that part of her stealth abilities XD Wait, can people actually be green in real life, like a witch??? *mind blown*

    Lastly, I was like, "Wait, what?" when 1719 asked Carey and George if they would like to know why they were sent there, even though the Leader already told them. I guess maybe she was reminding them or something, it just seemed weird to me.

    I'm really liking your air of mystery in these chapters. It isn't too confusing, because the reader is still aware of emotions, place, time, character, and that stuff. It's interesting...I really want to know the relationship between George and 440. What kind of gift does George have? Hmm.....hm. I also want to know if Carey has a contact power, where she can do something to someone when she touches them. Or maybe she's just a distance user, like the earth gifted. I'll just have to see the full potential of the powers she carries.

    Another aspect that I like is your vocabulary. I don't get the feeling of repetition, and I may be overlooking it but the chapters seem well written, with variation in word use.

    The last thing I liked is the way you focused on George's thoughts, and didn't switch between the thoughts of different characters. When you wanted to show how other characters, you revealed it through their dialog, which was also well written. The interactions between Carey and George are nice, like how she was upset  by the way villagers avoided her, and when she heard George talking to himself. Anyway, focusing on George's thoughts was more fluent the way you wrote it, so god job.

     

    Commented on: May 15, 2014

  • Welcome to Aodel

    I'm glad you enjoyed the story =D I appreciate how you take note of the little things that people usually miss, like the short sentences. As for Donal's method, you got it right. He wanted to put the villagers on a guilt trip. I'll make that clearer, as well as the timeskip and footprints. I can't think of any questions. Your reviews have been clear and thorough, and I'll have other people commenting to hear from different perspectives.

    Ha ha, I'm the one who's slow =) And I'm not even busy, just lazy...not that I don't want to read your story, I've been waiting to all day but keep getting distracted. I'm about to write my next comment on Gifted, and hopefully I'll get a second one done later tonight. Don't worry if you can't get in a comment before the weekend, I understand if you have things to do. And maybe those few days will give me the chance to write more for my new story, so I'm not complaining.

    Commented on: May 15, 2014

  • Gifted

    Ha ha, I don't know why, but I found it a little funny when Carey was staring at 256's face, in the beginning. That and her feeling guilty must mean that she *cares* about him. That was my Carey pun. Oh, and if you just rolled your eyes, sorry, but at least I spelled her name right this time. Anyway, I'll shut up and get on to your comment;

    I really like how you have Carey's and Janelle's thoughts. One thing, I feel that Carey's (at the beginning part) could be more fluent. It seemed to me as though her thoughts were in response to your narrations. One example;

    Carey closed her eyes, taking care to slow her breathing gradually so it looked like she was falling asleep. But this soon became unnecessary, as 256 fell asleep much quicker than she thought he would. I suppose he trusts me more than I thought. This idea made her feel a little guilty, like she was using him or something. No, don’t think that. He’ll understand why I have to do this. Eventually.

    This may be a personal thing, but I would probably split up the paragraphs so your narrations and Carey's thoughts don't mix, or maybe show what exactly she was thinking, like maybe instead of the "This idea" sentence you could say, in a separate paragraph, "I can't just leave him here. It's like I'm using him." Or something like that. Then the next sentence would be in a separate paragraph too, look dialog. Because that's what it is, dialog, just inside Cary's brain.

    Another thing I found strange was that you described the appearances of 256, Janelle, and Samantha in this chapter. It seemed a bit late, since you already talked about what Janelle and Samantha looked like, and 256 has been around a lot and there were opportunities to describe him earlier.

    There were several wording and spelling errors throughout. I hope you'll forgive me if I don't tell you the exact locations, but that might tempt you to be less meticulous when you self-edit. It's not a lot and doesn't slow down the pace, so it's not too bad.

    Lastly, some of the paragraphs were pretty big, and I don't know if some people will dislike that and get slowed down. I thought it was fine though. At least you broke them up, like when Marvin was talking at the end.

    I like how Carey had to make the decision of returning to 256, even though she could have gotten freedom. That was very smart of her. All the decisions she's been having to make is a strong part of the book, making it interesting.

    Same with the relationships between the characters, such as Janelle and Samantha. Janelle should have been happy that her friend was finally back, accomplishing what she had left to do and getting her brother to help them. I guess Janelle is so stressed out from all the hard work she has to that she just snapped at her best friend. The motive for their argument how they reacted to each otherplayed, so good job on that.

    It's interesting that Janelle doesn't know much about how the world works, like gasses and stuff. Protagonists not knowing basic things like that can be easily overlooked, but you had it in here and I thought it was a nice touch.

    The hierarchy part was fascinating. It's your own unique spin on the typical four elements thing. If air is the most powerful, I guess that explains why the Leader is in a position of power. I kind of feel bad for the fire and earth giftees, because the other gifted sort of look down on them and see them as weak. Maybe that's why 256 seems so peaceful, so that he doesn't get out of control and kill himself.

    Another tasty part of this chapter was when you explained the villagers of the mountain, where Jan and Sam came from. The low survival rate was sad. I wonder what happened to Sam's family, and if her dad will be a part of the story. I don't know why I still think someone's 256 from the future...I don't even like sci fi =P I just have the feeling that it's so.

    Everything seems a bit happyish. 256 and Carey are getting along (oh, they're getting along all right), Samantha returned to find her brother and he's going to help them, the recruits are getting better, and thanks to Marvin we knew more about the gifted. That's all fine, because the story would be pretty bad if there were just gloomy parts. And Janelle did get into a fight with Samantha, so it isn't too optimistic. But I wonder if they're going to wake up..."And it was all a dream."

    That looks like all for today but I'm staying home tomorrow so I might be able to get in two more reviews then. I really like this story and look forward to reading more.

    Commented on: May 14, 2014

  • Welcome to Aodel

    Ha ha, I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote the chapter. I hope a lot of the  were just typos. Does the text ever delete itself when you write? Happens all the time for me, I think that's what some of it was =/ Sorry about that. Thanks for catching all those errors. I'll have to see some other opinions before I change everything you said, but you made some very good points.

    I'm glad the emotional stuff worked out, because as a boy I expected all that to be really bad.

    I noticed that you've done a longer comment, thanks for that =) If you can't make them very long in the future that's okay though because I always write in short chapters. Are we going to keep trading reviews? Just one more chapter for Welcome To Aodel. I guess it partly depends on whether or not Hunting Amaatlik is too weird for you =)

    Ha, how dare you call my daughter a she??? =D 

     

    Commented on: May 13, 2014

  • Gifted

    Your comments certainly are not inferior =) I only write longs ones because I don't want to miss anything, and tend to get carried away. (How many bad Carrie puns can I make in these comments? =P) You could try writing longer comments if you want the challenge but any length is okay as long as you say what there is to say. Otherwise there could be a lot of fluff.

    Sorry but I am not able to comment another chapter today. I have to make the edits on Welcome to Aodel according to your comments, and get to work on my new story. If you want I could start doing littler comments and getting more in, otherwise I can still give long ones. Either way is fine with me.

    Commented on: May 12, 2014

  • Gifted

    Your characterization was really strong in this chapter. 256 (eh...G...George?) was well conveyed. He seems like a nice guy, not giving in to the Leader's influence. Unless, like you implied, the Gifted are good...then it's a bad thing. But he does seem nice. It was cool how he smiled at Carey and called her by her name rather than 355.

    So...did he try to defy the leader before? In he middle of their meeting he thought about it. It's strange, the Leader is worried about rebellion. He seems so confident, maybe it's just an outside thing.

    James and Janelle were nicely written too. James seems like he doesn't care about what other people think when making his decisions, and is very direct. His perspective is interesting, and if he's really leaving, it might be a negative loss. He was just trying to make Janelle feel better, wasn't he? He and Emma, they both cared about her (showing it in different ways, which I like) but I guess it was natural for her to be annoyed.

    Maybe James forgot that Janelle lost her sister, or didn't hear when she gave them her speech in the last chapter. I find it natural that she's being rather crabby, because she really wants to get her sister back and avenge her parents. Wait, were they taken away by the Gifted? Sorry, I keep forgetting. But yeah, she wants her sister back and James was sort of telling her to calm down, and slowing their progress. I think that he was right, but there could be some more understanding between the two. Oh, I'm not suggesting that you make it like that, by the way, just sharing my thoughts on your characters =)

    I'm seeing the difference between Carey and Janelle. At first they both seemed determined and I guess feisty. But as the story progressed Carey became more determined than before and Janelle became more doubtful, like her former self. Janelle is a bit more unsure, thinking that they won't succeed, and Carey is more confident, maybe slightly mysterious, and carries herself (ha ha, see what I did there?) as if she's saying, "I have everything planned out and nothing's going to stop me." Of course, it might just be a mask, like with the Leader. She could be a bit insecure on the inside, as seen when she was writing to her family and crying.

    Did you think I would go without saying the good and bad things about this chapter? I don't usually start with character analysis but it just came out that way. So as usual I'll be fussy first.

    I'm sorry if this is annoying you, it's the last time I'm going to say it; I find your use of the present tense a bit awkward, as well as how you write questions. Here, this, and now don't sound right, question marks are okay, and the word "asked" is too. I know I used to do that too, it's probably in Welcome to Aodel, and if so you must be really annoyed =P I'm such a hypocrite.

    Something about wording, near the beginning you said, "He could wait all night, for all she cared." You said "all" twice and...yeah...

    One thing I'm not sure about is frowning with eyebrows, which to me seems extremely weird. What, does it look like this? --> ( >=/ ) Carey was doing that to Leader guy. I think people have done that a lot in this story.

    By the end, when Emma was talking, I think you could take out the word "stuttering." It seems a little redundant, because of how she talked. Or just say "she stuttered" instead of "she said."

    About the recruits, I'm glad that they got some more and all, but another thing (I'm just being picky here) is how you ended the third paragraph of Janelle's half of the story with "But they were improving every day..." Ending the sentence with ellipses makes it look more important, like the reader should think about the message in it. First of all, it seems to me like you shouldn't need punctuation to have an impactful sentence. Second, I got the impression that Janelle's recruits were letting her down, so having that particular thought (them improving every day) seems paradoxical. I'm sure you have your reasons, though. If I may just make a teeny suggestion, it might be interesting if they were all getting better except for James, and he was too busy playing music. That could give Janelle more reasons to be annoyed by him.

    One last thing. Like in the previous chapter, at times I wasn't empathetic with the characters. What goes on in their heads and what goes on in mine aren't exactly the same. In this chapter it was only with 256 and his worrying about what the Leader was going to say to them, and when Janelle was upset with James (for the first few lines). Again, this might just be me (I get confused a lot =P) or you could be doing this to make it more intriguing. If not, what I usually do to prevent my characters from knowing more than the reader is having just a basic idea of the chapter's plot line before I write and letting it get more complicated as I go through the chapter. Then while writing I suddenly get a crazy idea in my head and think, Wow. I didn't expect that to happen. It's kind of like I'm experiencing the story from the perspective of my characters, knowing the major conflicts while unaware of what will lead to them, and it's more likely to show in the characters' reactions. It can be a little fun, but then again, this might not be the best idea if you get writer's block in the middle of your chapter, realize that things don't work because you should have planned more, or if the story doesn't come out the way you wanted it to. I guess it's a matter of weighing the advantages and disadvantages.

    There were two things that I don't feel need to be changed, but thought were funny the way they were written. The first one was when Emma blushed and you said that she went pink. It's as if boys' cheeks get red when they're embarrassed and girls' cheeks get pink =) Also, at the end it looked like Janelle called Rosa "sweetie" because of the same-gender tag thing.

    Well, this is going to be a long comment. Twice as long as the usual ones. I hope you aren't busy or anything. I haven't gotten to the good parts yet though. Like I said, I really like how you developed your characters, and the way they're weaved into each other and the plot. Their thoughts, dialog and actions are both natural and interesting. I liked how you described 256 and Carey training, and how Carey was mean but then felt bad. I thought it was a little funny when 256 accused her of cheating. I can guess what those two are going to do in the future, but it could be anything and I highly anticipate it. Janelle's future actions aren't so predictable, but her side of this chapter was nicely written because of her argument with James. It lets the reader choose a side, thinking about which one they agree with. I feel sorry for Janelle, because it's as if nobody understands her, and she seems to be negatively affected by Sam's absence.

    I noticed that there are more bigger paragraphs here, but not too many and there's still small ones. Good job on that. The pacing was pretty good.

    I realize that, although this comment was 1,319 words, there may be something that you want to know about what I think of the chapter that I haven't covered. If so, feel free to ask.

    Commented on: May 12, 2014

  • Welcome to Aodel

    Hello, thanks a lot for the comments. Sorry for replying late, I just got home.

    Anyway, I won't ignore anything you say because your critiques are very important to me. I appreciate the thoughtful input you provided. Rose's reaction is...kind of in the next chapter, I think. I won't change things right now, so let me know then if it doesn't work right or if I should put it in sooner, in Chapter 7. Also, just a warning...that chapter isn't any happier than the last two =(

    So what I was thinking for the lesson of the fable is that Donal and Dhom both represent two ways of dealing with people who annoy you. I attempt to explain more at the end. That's another thing that may or may not work well, and I'm going to ask for your opinion on that when you comment on the last chapter.

    Commented on: May 12, 2014

  • Gifted

    Heeyy what a nice chapter. I like how you had some humor:

    (“We can’t just rush into it,” Janelle said, unsure what to say. “I mean, do you even know how to fight? Do any of you?”

    The man stood proudly. “I don’t. I’m a musician!”)

    I don't think your humor made the chapter childish or anything, or ruined the emotional moments. It made things easy to read.

    There were some typos throughout, but it wasn't bothersome. One thing I keep seeing, it isn't too bothersome either, but using the present tense (i.e., "now" or "this"). Another thing is sentence tags, and saying who's talking. Repeating someone's name a lot isn't always bad. Sometimes you split someone's dialog into multiple sentences, making me think that someone else is talking. One example:

    (Janelle glared angrily at him. “We’ll see.”

    “SHUT UP!” she yelled, stamping her foot against the bench with a loud thud.

    “Sorry,” she whispered, glancing guilty at Rosa behind her.)

    I would probably just put her glaring at him in the previous paragraph, say that she turned to the people, and instead of her saying sorry say that she apologized. I guess it's a personal choice, though. Sorry if I sound picky, I just want you to benefit from these comments =/ I know a lot of these are just overlooked mistakes.

    Anyway, something else is that the characters seem to be one step ahead of the reader. Maybe it's only me being stupid, but I didn't understand why Rosa was surprised when she saw Janelle walking up toward her. She didn't know that Janelle was going to step on the bar, did she? Why did it take Janelle two tries to get the people to actually listen to her, both the drunken people in the bar and Will and Anna downstairs? At first the drunk people denied her, while Will and Anna shrugged off her seriousness. It might heelp if you have more of their thoughts, explaining their motives to act the way they did. Then it would look less like a script and more like a story, maybe with some longer paragraphs. I don't know, it could just be me =) You might want to compare my thoughts with those of your other commenters.

    One last con, and then I'll get to why I really like this chapter. I'm pretty sure it's just me, but I was a little confused with the part at the end where you transitioned from their meeting to when Janelle and Samantha were talking. It sounded like they discussed their plans in Janelle's room, which is...a bit creepy 0_0 I mean, you didn't talk about her going to bed. How did Sam get in her room...or were they sharing it? Oh well. Even if it isn't just me, I guess the vagueness reflects Janelle's feelings or something.

    Besides all that the story isn't confusing. You have a really nice plot going here. I like how you show the characters' thoughts, from Janelle being unsure and Samantha being glad to have such an amazing friend. Yeah, you did explain those clearly, but it was "proven" when Janelle told her recruits to be serious, and when she said "if" a lot in her speech, and when Samantha smiled at her. Janelle must be really special to have Samantha do that.

    It's all part of her feeling like she's a little girl again. At first she seemed rather confident, but once she and Samantha started to make decisions, she started to lose some confidence. I really like how the old man talked to her, and how she talked to the recruits. There were some good quotes in there, like James's reaction to Janelle glaring at him. It shows their personalities well. Just show the distinctions between William and Anna, and they will be quite nicely characterized. James looks like the jester, the one that keeps morale high, the old man is pensive and wise, and Rosa is nice, maybe a little/very crazy. (But in a good way...she like giving out discounts =D At first I thought she's a spy, but now she's important because she got Janelle and Samantha started. Hmm...interesting.)

    I think lack of confidence is an interesting conflict. It's what I used in my own series. I find it really weird, we both have some characters who are overly confident, and others who aren't confident enough. James represents a character of mine names Jason...how close are their names??? But I digress. The only thing keeping Janelle going, it appears, is the fact that her friends are counting on her. I really hope Samantha doesn't get herself killed. Not only would Janelle be horrified and possible not want to stop the Gifted anymore if that happens, but I would never find out the difference between Sam and Emma.

    Sorry for rambling =) I'll try to comment more often, maybe one a day.  

    Commented on: May 10, 2014

  • Welcome to Aodel

    Thanks for the advice on exclamation marks! I'll definitely change that! I'm glad you're seeing both the story side and the fable side! If that makes sense! I'm open to any suggestions you may have, especially on girly things like making certain parts more emotional (later on in the story)!

    Commented on: May 9, 2014

  • Gifted

    Gosh...like Carey, I've been having nightmares about that leader guy. Thanks a lot, Gen! Just kidding =) He does creep me out, though. I would be so surprised if he turns out to be a good guy. I still think he's brainwashing the Gifted. Though if he doesn't trust Carey, I'm assuming that he's a little afraid of her. Maybe he has some sort of weakness.

    My nagginess for this comment only focuses on typos and some awkward wording, because I really like your plot and characterization. I'm still seeing some present tense throughout, words such as "tonight, "this," and "now." About a third of the way, at the snowy place, Marvin bought money. Later, I was confused as to why Marvin and Samantha left but then said that they wouldn't think of it, and grinned when they saw Janelle. They hadn't heard of her plan yet. By the end of the chapter, you included yourself in the story and said "behind me."

    It's not that wording is awkward throughout. I like your writing style too. It's easy to read and the pacing was good. I noticed that you used the word "ask" with Carey and 256, so kudos on that ;)

    The characters are well written. Their thoughts and dialog seem natural. I like the way you had Janelle think of her plan. Her emotions sort of went from negative to neutral before being positive. She wasn't all, "Oh, no. We're doomed. Oh, wait. We aren't. There's hope. Yay!" Her thinking of going to Rosa was one of those "Why didn't I think of that!" moments. She's one smart carrot.

    Have I told you that I love 256? Not like love love but he's definitely my favorite character. Maybe due to the fact that he's the only boy at the moment. As a boy, just one character who's about my age and the same gender is enough, as long as he's like 256. I appreciate how you have some male characters in your story. In many stories, like my first one before I edited it, all the main characters are one gender or the other. But I digress. Where was I...oh yeah, I was talking about 256. I hope he gets a name, because he's too nice to be numbered. Maybe Carey will give him one. Maybe Bob. It's fascinating how Bob is so isolated from non-Gifted society. I wouldn't have thought about him not knowing what it's like to be on the outside, not knowing what it's like to have a family.

    As previously stated, I think your characters' thoughts are great, as well as the way you say what they're thinking. From Janelle wanting to protect the people, if they'd let her, to her feeling like she was a little girl again, to Samantha's urgency, to 256's rebeliousness in disobeying the Leader, pushing away the evil thoughts in his mind (was that the Leader?), to Carey's not wanting to go train but rather write to Wesley...and so on. I think it was neat and a little funny how she stole the Leader's paper. All these thoughts and decisions make the reader stop to think. The story is very interesting and engaging, and shows all the thought you must have put into it.

    Commented on: May 7, 2014

  • Nocturnal

    You're welcome =)

    You've got the basic idea of a comment trade right. I comment on every chapter for your story and you do the same for one of mine, or it could also go by word count. If you're interested, look on my profile and see if you would like to read Hunting Amaatlik or Welcome to Aodel (the others are sequels). If not, I wouldn't be offended and could still comment on your story though the comments would be less in-depth. 

    So what's the trailer you made on YouTube? I looked up "Nocturnal book trailer" and the only one I found was by someone named Scott Sigler. Is that you? 0_0

    Commented on: May 7, 2014

  • Welcome to Aodel

    I see what you mean about being redundant. Sorry about the low quality ;) just kidding. WTA was edited, but a lot less so than my other stories. I'll change the things you pointed out, but some changes will wait until you're done reading. Part of the strange characterization is due to the story being moral/satirical. You make some great points though, like acting their age (I thought I left it out), so thanks a lot =) I'm looking forward to the rest of your comments.

     

    Commented on: May 6, 2014

  • Gifted

    Well, that chapter was nice and long. It looks like we have different writing styles; you seem to prefer longer chapters, longer sentences and a general absence of the word "ask" so I'll try not to bug you about that if it's a preference thing.

    I'm glad I found this story. Usually I'm pretty picky about what books I read, but Gifted is a great one. The story is well thought-out. I like how you have the little things like 256 thinking that Carey was a human and had a mind of her own. You also remember the details, like Carey wanting adventure and her uniform not having a sleeve design because the gift of stealth is a rarer gift. Your plot and writing style are to like as well.

    Just a warning, I'm going to be picky as usual here. It's a long chapter, so I must give a long review =) About Carey's uniform, you said near the end of chapter four ("The older man cleared his throat...") that they didn't have any stealth clothes prepared. I don't see how Carey's gift could have their own type of clothing without the identifying arm marking. Another little (possible) inconsistency was with the attendant in the medical ward. At first he was lazing (I didn't know that was a word, learned something new today!) when they first walked in. For some reason, giving Carey the water and soup made him busy. He was hurrying and had to tend to the children. Something I found to be strange was when on the second long paragraph this happened:

    He lead her...It had been soon after that that he had –

    "Are you just going to stand there?”

    I was proper scandalized when your - your - own third person narration was interrupted by Carey. You created her, and she interrupted you. Don't let her do that. It's not natural. If that was 256's thoughts, then I would do something like, "It had been soon after that that I had -" to directly show that he is thinking and Carey interrupts him (not you). Also, his thoughts were done 'like this" when he found out that she was hydrated. I happened to notice that the beginning of chapter three and the middle of chapter four still have some thoughts that use your old style of inner dialog, with the quotes. Near the end of the chapter, you used quotes 'like this" with the singular quotes when Marvin was talking. I was a little confused when, at the end of the second paragraph in Janelle's part, you said "They too," where I think "They had again" or something if that makes it more fluent. There were a few spelling and grammar mistakes scattered around the chapter. Sorry about all the negative stuff, the positive parts are coming.

    I'm pretty sure this was intentional, I noticed a giant character change in 256 (I can't help thinking of him as a robot because of his name). He's really in love with Carey, isn't he? He seems to be a lot nicer than before. Like, A LOT. I like him that way. If the Leader is using mind control on the gifted, then hopefully love will break him out of it. He started out a little bitter, and now he cares about Carey. There's a lot to ponder over when it comes to that boy. Hey, speaking of the Leader, what's his number? Is it 666? At first he seemed like a nice guy, but now I'm a bit disturbed by him. He's, like, evil. How dare he strangle Carey! The way he did that reminded me of Darth Vader somehow. I don't know why, I'm not even a Star Wars fan, but he used his gift to choke Carey like Vader choked that one guy. Then 256 would be a droid or something. Anyway, the Leader and 256 changed a little as their true characters are revealed or whatever, but you've done a great job of maintaining Carey's character. She's adventurous, independent, and tough. She's also smart, because what protagonist isn't, and has plans to escape even with little hope. She really misses her family, and wants to get back to them. She kind of reminds me of Janelle in that way. There's just a couple more things (sorry about the really long comment). I'm intrigued by Marvin. He knows a lot, and gives the two girls resources that they don't know, a powerful source but possibly one that could harm them. Is he gifted? Maybe 256 from the future (plot twist!) or something? If the Leader is Darth Vader, he's like a sensei or something. He's old, mysterious, and powerful. I have now idea where I'm going, that just came out of nowhere =) I also like your idea of the gifted not being able to harm someone unless they touch you. Of course, Marvin could be lying, but I think he was telling the truth. Yet another thing I thought was cool is when you used the word "coldly" when talking about the water gift guy, who used ice to trap them. Haha, cold and ice =)

     I noticed that you've took the time to do a lot of editing on the first thirty or so chapters. Nice work on that. Again, let me know if I'm not providing enough feedback in these comments and if there's more that I can add to them (or take away).

    Commented on: May 5, 2014

  • Welcome to Aodel

    You're not dumb. I'm just really weird =) The short sentences. I think it's an American thing. We talk like that all the time. Thanks for catching those. I'll work on making the story more clear and fluent.

    Commented on: May 4, 2014

  • Gifted

    Oh, that's interesting. It looks like Janelle and Samantha are going to get what they came for. I wonder how they're going to prepare. Their plan of breaking in and swinging swords can't possibly work. Maybe they're going to...hm. I think they're going to recruit a mini army or something. But if the G***** are good people, then attacking isn't such a great idea. Speaking of the G*****, something weird is going on. Nameless seems to disagree with some of their policies. I'm going to guess that the council is forcing their people to use their g***s to do bad, and the actual people aren't bad but the council is. That's my guess.

    One thing that surprised me is how Janelle and Samantha walked 100 miles in what I interpreted to be a short amount of time. I once went on a-mile hike and it took two weeks. I don't know, maybe I'm missing something. Also, when they met Marvin, he shook Samantha 0_0 "s hand, then Samantha." Could be "then Samantha's." Sorry if I seem picky. There's a few more things. One is that Janelle told Marvin that they took her sister away about five years ago, while in chapter one she told herself that the next day would be four years. Halfway through the chapter, when you switch over to Carey's perspective, you forgot to put the asterisks. Near a third of the way in the chapter, the man "said nothing" and then said, "Of course." Did you mean to say that he didn't say anything for a few seconds, like he hesitated?

    Besides that, I really liked this chapter. As much as I like the rest. Your actions and dialog are interesting, and not the kind of dialog where you know what someone is going to say before they say it - there's a little irony to keep the reader interested. I wasn't expecting Marvin to be Rosa's sister, or Samantha to speak up at his house, or Nameless (I keep forgetting his number) to show his emotions at the end like that. And it wasn't in an unrealistic way either, so great job with that. The little bits of background info on Janelle and Samantha was nice to know, including Janelle's age. I feel like I know them a little better now. I like the way you show the G*****s' characteristics in ways like their numbering system. They seem neat and organized, but they treat their own people like objects by not naming them.

    I take it that they give different sets of clothing to people of different G***s? They didn't have any stealth clothing. Maybe they aren't prepared to deal with someone of that Gift (I'm going to spell that out from now on) and I want Carey to try using it to get away. She obviously doesn't know how though.

    Sorry if this comment is too long. Do you want me to make them shorter? Is there anything you want me to add to or remove from these comments?

    Commented on: May 3, 2014

  • Gifted

    Hi. This was a very interesting chapter. I was wondering what would happen, and what the Gifted peeps are like. The Leader seems like a nice guy, because he was a little chill about everything, especially compared to 256, and didn't get angry. I imagined him to be a thick guy with a beard because he boomed a lot. Sorry if that's not what he looks like.

    I know that spelling and grammar are different in Australia, so I'm not going to tell you "Oh, you spelled gray wrong!" or anything. Near the middle 256 said "here" three times, as if that was all he could say. In the fourth and seventh paragraphs his thoughts were in singular quotes ('like this') though this doesn't seem to be your style.

    Enough of the negative stuff. I really enjoyed this chapter. The thoughts and dialog ("...when I discovered her") were well thought out (if that makes sense) and I liked the humor with how Nameless and Carey reacted to each other. I was wondering if she was serious when she threatened him with the butter knife. Their future interactions are going to be great. Their characterization was also great. Carey and 256 have some their similarities and differences, and complement each other nicely.

    I just noticed that the four main characters at the beginning have all four basic, stereotypical hair colors. Janelle's is orange, Samantha's is black, Carey's is brown, and Wesley's is blond. Speaking of blond, I thought blond was for guys and blonde is for girls, so it confused me when you said that Wesley had blonde hair. Unless he's really a girl. So yeah, the hair thing is interesting, because I wound up the same way in my series and the four main characters. What a coincidence! =)

     At first I thought that the Gifted (or G***** if I'm going to use it as a bad word) would be confused by Carey's stealth g***. Maybe there's something else? There's going to be more surprises. I hope Carey doesn't become corrupted by the G*****. That wouldn't be very nice of them.

    Commented on: May 2, 2014

  • Welcome to Aodel

    Thanks a lot for your comment. I'm glad you liked it.  Yeah, it's a bit weird how they react to each other. If you have some constructive stuff to say, don't be afraid of hurting my feelings. That won't happen. Thanks for your thoughts though. I enjoy reading them =)

    Commented on: May 1, 2014

  • Welcome to Aodel

    No, you didn't imply that! Sorry! I'm just being humble! =)

     

    Commented on: April 29, 2014

  • Gifted

    O_O This chapter is so suspenseful! In a good way!

    Who is Rosa? I was a little surprised when you referred to her as an innkeeper. I thoughts she was another traveler, or maybe a Gifted (sorry, I'm saying that like it's a bad word =D) in disguise. She could so easily be the latter, or maybe a nice lady. But she was so willing to be really nice to Janelle and Samantha. And she had a face that I imagined to look like this 😁 if you can see that. Very suspicious. Surely they weren't that desperate for some business. You said they had other guests. Carey being with the gifted is going to be interesting as well.

    I will nag you about a few things. In your tenth paragraph in the second sentence, you had two girls and tagged both of them as "she," which gets confusing. As you may know, and I completely agree, I am not fully qualified to talk about tags, but one problem I had when I started writing that I see here is having voices talk. The voices themselves don't talk...I don't know whether or not it's common and a lot of people say "...the voice said" etc. Just wanted to let you know. Another thing is saying a question: "'What else could it be?' he said, shrugging." I'm not sure, sorry if I'm wrong.

    A couple aspects of the chapter were a little interesting. One is the fact that you didn't say what Janelle and Samantha ate. Another is the way you said the clouds had a strange orange color. Hmmm interesting =)

    One of the good things about your chapter is the little details. I like how you talked about Rosa drinking Janelle's water, and the coins jingling in their pockets. Samantha makes the story interesting with her mysterious behavior, and I anticipate seeing some battle scenes with her and Janelle fighting. At the moment their decisions are enough. Samantha hiding in the tree, and Janelle showing herself to the innkeeper and her son. The decisions characters are making keep the story flowing.

    Commented on: April 29, 2014

  • Welcome to Aodel

    Thanks a lot for catching all those mistakes, and sorry about the low quality. I'll make sure to fix those. I hope you enjoy the story =)

    Commented on: April 29, 2014

  • Nocturnal

    Hello. I thought I would check your book out because it sounded interesting, and I rather like it. I've only read the first chapter, but I'll read more when I get the time. I'm going to start off with the cons and then go to the pros:

    I don't personally find anything wrong with the plot line, if anything the only things wrong are syntax and the length of the chapter. I don't know if this is just me, but I don't like long first chapters. It feels a little overwhelming. Like I said, this could just be me, but I would split the chapter into two halves; right at the half way point, where you have the three asterisks. Besides that, there are some typos with spelling and grammar throughout the chapter. A few words were omitted, and punctuation near dialog looks sort of funny in some paragraphs, like at times you put a comma instead of a period. The thoughts written right after dialog seemed a little less fluent at times, but that might just be me being picky too. I would be happy to explain further, otherwise I think you would understand if you looked over the chapter again.

    Enough with the negative stuff. As previously stated, I really like your plot. It was both funny and mysterious. Not in a crazy, overly dramatic way, but in a way that made the story comfortable, with a good pace. The characters are great too. Nina seems lovable enough, and I could easily sympathize with her. I didn't see any breaks in character. Her little brother was funny too. The way Nina talks about the different characters, showing how she reacts to them, was great and helped reveal her character. I found her thoughts in general to be very enjoyable. It was more of a mental experience than a physical, and it must have taken you a lot of thought and time to write this. The beginning was a good one. I'm glad you said that she didn't understand, and talked about sleeping in a sauna. It said indirectly that everything was just a dream. The humor was yet another strong point here. Lastly, I noticed the pictures in your album of your three main characters. How did you do that? Are you really good at photo stuff or something? They look really cool =)

    I hope you find this comment helpful. I'll be following your story. Let me know if you would like to trade comments or something. Other than that, I hope you have a lovely day =)

    Commented on: April 29, 2014

  • Gifted

    Hello. I like your story so far and would like to comment on your first chapter. Let me know if you are interested in trading comments/reviews.

    At first I was a little confused because of the description. I couldn't tell whether the Gifted were good or bad, or which girl Carey is. That was cleared up pretty quickly though. I know that the Gifted are born good but then captured and stuff. The whole thing with splitting Carey and Janelle is a neat idea. I wonder if they're connected somehow, in a way that will shock even your cleverest readers upon finding out, maybe near the end. Another thing I liked is how you show them thinking. While their personalities aren't fully revealed yet, your inner dialog made me feel like I already know them a little. Their thinking is a little complex too, in a good way. One girl (Carey) is worried about losing her sibling, and then it moves to another girl (Janelle) who already did. And at the end it looks like Carey herself is going to get captured.

    There a few things I'm going to be a little picky about. Some of them might be a personal thing. One is your use of the word "now" even though the book is written in the past tense (about a third way through the chapter, before Carey enters the cottage). A little bit after that, when Carey's mom thanks her, it looks like you were talking about Carey thanking herself or something because you said Carey and then "she" without talking about the mom. The same thing happened with Janelle and Samantha at the end of their part. Again, I'm just being picky - I knew what you were talking about. Lastly, the way you started and ended with Carey's half of the story makes me think that you're going to be partial to her, that maybe she's more important that Janelle. For Janelle's part, you talked about her being alone and not having any weapons, but she has a sword and it looks like they're planning a revolt or something. Sorry if this is just a misinterpretation.

    As for what I think about the characters and setting, I'm intrigued. It isn't that confusing, especially compared to some other fantasy stories, but there's still a bit of mystique. I like your plot. It's amusing and engaging. Like I said, I hope - and expect - to see more differences between Carey and Wesley. They seem to be fun-loving but serious when they need to be, and they obviously care a lot for their family. It looks like Wesley is more carefree and helpful while Carey is more adventurous, more of a daydreamer. That may be wrong, it's just my first impression. Janelle seems like a fighter, maybe vengeful and impatient. Not afraid to take risks. Samantha is obviously more mysterious.

    I hope you found this comment to be a little helpful, and that you have a lovely day =)

     

     

    Commented on: April 28, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    I wondered what was going to happen in this chapter. I thought they were metaphorical clouds, like someone's really sad or something. It's funny how she was upset about how hard it was to keep walking when the clouds came and they had to run. And before that, If only they had some mode of transportation...oh, hey! There's a boat! XD

    The chapter was great, and the errors throughout didn't effect the reading experience. It looked like you were in a rush, they were mistakes that I'm pretty sure you could fix them if you look it over. One is repetition, as in "Still half-asleep, she looked up to see what woke her up" (near the middle). This is probably just a pet peeve, but taking out the second "up" could make it sound more fluent. It would be nice to see another description of Aedain's arm other than a "bloody pulp." And...you see, panna (sorry if that doesn't mean what I think it means), words in foreign languages, except for names of course, are italicized. That includes your "Damainte boireann" near the middle. It should be "Damainte boireann." Wait, how many languages do you speak anyway???

    May is so balanced. She can be annoying and selfish, but also caring and thoughtful. If she was perfect, I would have put on my disappointed face. And Aedain isn't completely evil. He respects May, and wasn't completely mean to her. The two are still a little in love, huh? It'll be awkward if Leif finds them. I like the way you make things flow. They do seem (un)lucky at times the way things turn out, like the clouds and the boat, but they still make decisions. Deciding to use the boat and the horse were decisions, as opposed to May and Aedain "going with the flow" if you know what I mean.

    Commented on: April 11, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Very nice chapter. It was a little repetitive, but not like the chapter in my story in that I learned a little from this one, and hadn't thought of why he was called a prince but didn't rule. It was also shorter and a nice reminder of Aedain's situation.

    Forgive me for being picky, I'm going to point out a few typos I saw. A couple of paragraphs weren't indented, one in the middle and another near the end. You've misspelled "Kaellach" a few times throughout the story, so I would right-click it and add it to your dictionary. That way you know you misspelled it when the red line appears. Another thing is putting commas before "that" or where "that" would be, as in "The situation, she got herself and Hailey into, looked hopeless but hope kept her going." I wouldn't put a comma there. Same thing in "One cannot be a king, if there is no kingdom to rule anymore.” in front of the "if."

    I still enjoy the way Aedain and May react to each other. They definitely remind me of Squidward and Spongebob, where Aedain is grumpy and May annoying. If only Aedain knew that she cared about him, and if May knew she was annoying him. Mixing in her curiosity and anger was nice, because it made her look less like a sponge and more like a human. And you held on to her not being good at orientation - the part when she couldn't go north was hilarious XD It was a little random when Aedain pointed his middle finger at her, but not in a bad way. Speaking of Aedain, I feel a little sorry for him. An "everybody lived happily ever after" ending would be slightly disappointing, but I hope he gets his power and respect back.

    Commented on: April 10, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Thanks a lot for the comments. I'm glad you like the way it turned out. Your comments about the characters inspired me a little, before I wasn't sure how to make Bianca grow up. You seem to like mermaids, so I decided to involve them somehow. Sorry your theory was wrong - I heard women like to be right ;) just kidding. I'll try not to make the story too confusing and ironic, and Xavier will stay. Noah will be mentioned again too...in fact, you just gave me a great idea.

    I'll go back to reviewing MM and write some more chapters for NC. Thanks again for the comments!

    Commented on: April 10, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Nesrin is as mysterious as usual. This provides both answers and questions. Here's my thoughts based on the information you gave, sorry if I've gotten this wrong:

    It seems to me as though she's a third party, not human but not Laismaran. She's good, but being controlled by Zhawn (again this is just my guess). You said something about being away from "Him," and I don't know who else that could be. It looks like she's having different thoughts. She doesn't like her brothers because they're killers, didn't help get Aedain, and acted shocked when she saw the spear. But she was rough with Hailey, and seems like a cold person. Is it just me, or does she comb her hair a lot? I wonder if she's insecure, or nervous or something.

    As for typos, the only one I could find is that say one third one of the paragraphs isn't indented.

    I don't know if I said this before, but Hailey not being able to speak Laismaran and them not being able to speak English, but May speaking both at the same time, is a great idea. There's also a little bit of everything in here. Some romance, action, mystery; there's something for everybody.

    Is the spear supposed to look like a black hole, but in the shape of a spear? How come May and Hailey didn't notice? Unless it looked normal in the normal world as a disguise. Like I said, very mysterious. =)

    Commented on: April 7, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    It's good that Aedain didn't kill May. It's going to be interesting, seeing how they interact. Also, I hope Leif finds her. They would make a good pair (leifshipping).

    Some typos include: about a third of the way, in the "May rolled her eyes" paragraph, you said "We have somehow to free them" instead of "We have to free them somehow." In the second sentence of the second part, you said "was stretching" where I would put "stretched" because it's not like the camp was in the process of stretching, thought that may be a personal thing. In the second sentence of the next paragraph, I think that should be "best of the best."

    The conversation between May and Aedain was witty. I particularly liked it when May said, “It was either that or her life, and I treasure her life just as much as you treasure yours,” near the end of the first part of the chapter. It was very brave of her to speak up to him, and the thoughts going on in their minds were great. The flow is good too. Problems get solved, and more add up. May got back to Callesmere, but Hailey was kidnapped. She got Aedain to help him, but he's going to get the spear when they're done and most likely kill her when he does. The Farnians are about to raid the Karhadons but it sounds like there could be a mistake somehow.

    I keep forgetting that Zhawn has the spear. Maybe he's going to use it on the soldiers to mess with them. Or maybe not. Only time will tell =)

    Commented on: April 7, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Well, looks like May fudged up yet again. Because of her, Hailey was kidnapped. And Aedain is probably going to eat her. She's smart and dumb at the same time. I guess I'm glad, though, because without her stupidity I wouldn't have been able to read this amazing story.

    One thing I don't understand...about three fourths into the story, in and a little after the paragraph beginning with "May was breathing..." the girl put her hand to her mouth twice without lowing it. I don't know if it fell off and she put it to her mouth again, or maybe she put both of her hands on both of her mouths...or maybe it's some kind of paradoxical effect of traveling through the void. Either way, you also seemed to like stressing that her hands were shaking. Five paragraphs from that, you said "an evidence" instead of just "evidence."

    Besides that I really enjoyed the chapter. The tension isn't broken because May keeps having to make tough choices. Fixing Aedain was definitely hard. There's also moments of doubt. What would have happened if they tried using the spear? Would they really have been unable to hit the flaming guy? I also feel like I'm in May's place, which is strange because I'm a boy (kind of like you and Michael) but that's always good. I like getting in people's skin.

    And what is Zhawn going to do with Hailey? Is he going to use her as a piñata, stuffing her with candy and hitting her until it comes out? Is he going to turn her into one of those fire guys? Hmm...Hailey as a guy. I wonder if they were women turned into men by Zhawn. If he does it to her, their parents wouldn't be too happy about that when they get home.

    One question I have is whether the Laismarrans (sorry if I spelled that wrong) are actually demons, as in monsters that were born to be evil and can only think those negative emotions.

    Lastly, congratulations on finishing the book. You obviously worked very hard on it. =)

     

    Commented on: April 7, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you with the joke. As for the reviews/comments, I will do as much as you want. I'm going to read the whole thing anyway, so I don't mind leaving them. I assumed that me reviewing isn't that important because you have a lot of people reviewing your story.

    I don't think we made any plans as to how many chapters we would do, so it's your choice. Any number is fine by me. If you really want to (only if you want to) you could review Welcome to Aodel while you're waiting, and those would count as some of the reviews. If not I plan to add another chapter to NC every day. If you want to stop reviewing that's also okay.

     

    Commented on: April 6, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Haha, polishing. Because you're Polish =) We don't use mops, at least my family doesn't. We use swiffers, these sticks with wipes on the ends. Don't think we polish either...our floors are very dirty. Also, I forgot to remind you that "two am" (at the beginning of chapter 51) is grammatically incorrect. It should be 2 a.m. or 2 AM, and writing out o'clock or the colon (2:00) is incorrect because you're supposed to use as little figures as possible, according to my journalism teacher.

     

    Commented on: April 6, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    "'What the heck do you want from me?' May asked the gem, but it was silent, as expected from a stone." I was hoping it would talk back to her, maybe in a British accent =)

    What a moving chapter. It's amazing how much May and Hailey show their love for each other now. Maybe we should all get teleported to another dimension. Then the world would be a better place because we would all love each other.

    There are a few more mistakes here than usual, and I would like to discuss a few if you don't mind. One is your use of "here comes nothing," instead of "here goes (goes) nothing." Others are "her both hands" instead of "both (of) her hands" and confusing "of" and "off."

    Like I said, this chapter has a lot of emotion, in a good way. There's still moments of decision, where the reader can go, "I wouldn't have done that if I were him/her," or "Wow. She's a smart chic." Figuring out that the amulet was guiding her was smart. Either that or I'm stupid. The Spear being inside the statue was also a great idea.

    I am curious as to whether May will be able to wield the spear, because it's six feet and pretty heavy. Maybe she could give it to Erik, because he's a lot stronger than she is. Or Lavena. Oh, and something else. Why was May mopping? I only see mops in public places, like schools or fast food restaurants. Grabbing a mop and doing some cleaning in the middle of the night seems pretty random. Or maybe it's just me being stupid again =)

    I'll get another chapter done on NC tonight, or in the morning at your time. Sorry again about the wait.

    Commented on: April 5, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Ooohh okay then. I didn't expect that to happen to Aedain. It makes me wonder what the plot is going to be like from now on...he was the main antagonist, and he just...kicked the bucket. Or rather, Zhawn put the bucket on his foot (if that makes sense). Speaking of Zhawn, I also didn't expect him to be deformed. Yeah, I know; he was almost killed by Kaellach. I just didn't see him that way. I don't know why.

    One thing that seemed strange to me was that Aedain tried using fire on creatures of fire. Did he really think that would work? Why did he try it again?

    Besides that I like how he didn't give up, and the fighting was entertaining and well written.

    Commented on: April 5, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    What a cliffhanger. You keep making Aedain's role switch between hunter and prey, which I like. There aren't straightforward good/evil affiliation. Everybody has his/her own goals and motivations, and things that they will sacrifice to accomplish their goals. Aedain wants to save the demons, but is willing to kill all the humans. Zhawn and his followers want to kill him, but only because they are enemies. And May might seem like she would try to help save the humans, but it seems like she mostly just cared about the people she met, and getting back home. Nobody is perfect, and it fits well in this story.

    I wonder is the Spear is something from our world (the world beyond the Veil). A machine gun, perhaps? Some sort of lightsaber? I hope it's something really cool.

    Lastly, I'm glad Erik is developing his demon senses, but I hope you don't use that excuse to show that someone is coming, or that they're evil. I'm personally fine with it right here, but sometimes it's better to show than to tell. That way it feels more like we're actually in the moment and not being told the story by a real person (you). Of course you know that already, and it's annoying that I'm telling you this. Just like it's annoying when we say exactly what happens without letting the reader figure it our themselves =)

    It's not a big deal, the rest of the chapter isn't like that. The story and the writing are both great and I can't wait to keep reading.

    Commented on: April 4, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I'm glad you like it. Sorry about the low quality at some parts, I've been a little busy lately. I'll fix them later and keep writing next week, during the school break (you might call it holiday, Americans call it break).


    I told you in the last reply that the ocean is to the west, but that's a lie. It's actually to the east.


    One thing I would especially like your opinion on is whether or not I should make NC and the next three books (it's going to be about 6 books long including HA) about individual mini-adventures or all four main characters together for the whole of all four books. I was originally thinking about having them together because it could get boring with each one having their own story. The problem is that it could get tiring if I try it with narrations from all the different characters, and having them all work together while not being partial. I recently found a way to make it so they can each have a story focused mainly on them. All four will be in all four books, but not doing much in all but their own. I'm still hesitant as, like I said, this way things could get boring. Let me know which way you would prefer, of which one you think would be better for the story, unless you think they could both work.


    Thanks for the review, I'll get back to reading yours soon when I have some free time.

    Commented on: April 3, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    So far the mood for the story hasn't been too happy or sad, but this chapter is probably the sadest. She finally got home, but Erik will probably die and her family thought she did. How could things ever be right again? It seems like the story is about over, but there's still at least 16 chapters left.

    The way May and Hailey acted seemed pretty realistic. I guess Hailey didn't faint because she was prepared. She's still in character, but shows her love for May. It would be interesting if Maewyn had survived. I kind of feel sorry for her, because her family said that she was very nice.

    A couple things were slightly awkward. One is calling a cross a sacred weapon near the beginning. Not sure whether we're thinking of the same kind of cross. Also, it was a bit cliche at parts, like, "She looked almost like before now, as though nothing had changed. Perhaps it was so on the outside, but May felt that inside she wasn’t the same girl anymore. Oh well. The book wouldn't be as moving if you hadn't said that =)

    I think I'm addicted to this story. I can't stop reading. Sadly I might not be able to read very much this week because of school, but I'll read when I can. Seriously, this book is better than some published ones I've read.

    Commented on: March 30, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    The story keeps getting better and better. I knew Erik was going to be left behind, but I still had hope. It's going to get really complicated now. She'll have to get back somehow to save Erik, right? I guess now Aedain can't do much, since she has the pendant. Though he could still try. And is Maewyn still in the house?

    Your descriptions are good, and I like how you described the teleportation. Getting caught in the Veil is a fascinating concept.

    Something I don't understand is whether the tower is made of vines only on the walls, or on the floors too. The ceiling of the underground cellar was stone. For errors, they're the same ones as before. An inconsistency is American/British English. Gray and 'til are American, while grey and till are British. It's not that important, but I felt like I should tell you. You seem to use more American English, so I would go with that. Also because Americans are awesome.

    Oh, one more thing. Near the middle you said, "There was magic at work here" at the paragraph that started with "May jumped." Not only should it be "there," but there being magic was kind of obvious. It was a little funny though, so if that's what you intended you could leave it.

    Commented on: March 30, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Wow. This chapter was really dramatic, it was nice to see some action. There were moments of hope but also moments of doubt, and the events overall were captivating. The little details like her almost getting caught in the spirits' friendly fire and their being able to wound him were nice touches. The way she thought that the clearing would be safe (when she first entered) was nice too.

    I was surprised to find out that Aedain was actually going to spare May. Of course, he didn't know that she lied to him. But still, it made me wonder what outcomes would have resulted if the characters had acted differently.  

    I forgot to ask how May's leg didn't break when the horse fell on her. She is really good at moving and thinking quickly despite all her injuries. That didn't distract from the story though, I'm sure you have your reasons.

    Commented on: March 30, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    This chapter cleared up a little. It looks like the different characters weren't on the same page. Erik knows more than I thought, and of course Lavena knows a lot, but they don't know everything. The conversation was put together well, and I could feel the emotions. I would be confused too if I found out that my friend was an alien, which is surely how Erik must be feeling.

    I would like to know what happened to the balding eagle (let's call him Alex) after he crash-landed. They completely ignored him. And if Alex was smart enough to track May down and wait until she was away from Aedain, why was he okay with taking Erik instead? Maybe he could tell that Erik had information to tell Lavena.

    They're so close to realizing that May was from the world beyond the veil. I hope to get a better idea of how they describe it. A "dark, mythical land" is interesting.

    Commented on: March 30, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Oh no. Aedain's going to kill May. His reactions were pretty realistic, not giving up in trying to defeat the illusion thing. One thing I found weird is his calling Baltar a dragon, while he previously told May that he preferred the word Leismaran. It's interesting though that Baltar helped him realize that it was an illusion. If not, Aedain probably would have chased it all day. While Baltar let May and Erik escape, he got Aedain to go look for May. Like I keep saying, this story is so well thought out.

    May still has a lot of decisions to make, from letting Erik ride the balding eagle to killing the horse. This is great, because it's more engaging and interesting.

    On terms of typos, there were several but I can tell that they are just typos. Some are problems with articles (some plant, the Riada Swamp), misspelling (dulheinm) and tense (you could fly). There are more, those are just examples. Otherwise it is well written.

     

    Commented on: March 30, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    This was quite a nice little chapter. It was interesting, and inspires a little thought. Why was Royse making ships? Why don't they just try to reinforce the treaty, go on some sort of diplomatic mission? Why does Royse want to fight? I'm guessing that Zhawn and Nesrin had something to do with this. They might have even overthrown Royse (sorry if that's not what happened).

    The chapter was very easy to understand too, even for a half-brained fish like myself. I know what Farn, Karhadon and Dulgard are and their relationships.

    It must be hard for Duke Thoen and Leif to go through with all this when they could try to get May. I wonder what they will think when they find out that she's from the real world.

    Commented on: March 30, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I'm glad you like the chapters, and that you're thinking the way I want the reader to think (miiind controoool). I should clear up that I used "the middle of nowhere" figuratively. They drifted away from Port Barcos and where in the middle of the ocean to the west of Barcos.

    I'll take your suggestion for that other chapter, I wasn't sure whether or not I should keep it.

    Thanks a lot for the review, I hope you have a lovely day.

    Commented on: March 30, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    You were a little harsh, but not in a completely bad way =) While I am writing for confidence, I hate it when people say that books are perfect. It's like suggesting that the books so terrible that he or she feels bad and must comfort the author. Or maybe I have a lot of imagination. I know this chapter is pretty bad. Thanks for being honest.

    I don't remember why I wrote the chapter this way, it was a long time ago. The chapters were supposed to be an exact number like in Hunting Amaatlik, but that obviously won't happen. So it wasn't a filler, I try to respect the reader =)

    Suggestions are still welcome if you would like to offer some.

    Commented on: March 29, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Like I said, I'm not personally offended or anything. I'm just saying that some people might be. Thanks for the warning though.

    Commented on: March 29, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Oh, at first I thought she just left him there. I thought she was going to find a safe place for Erik to stay, because she did tell him so. She's a lying ************************.

    About the thing at the beginning, I don't know if it's because I'm a boy or where I live...that was pretty awkward. Looking back I don't feel as uncomfortable as I did then, but it was really unexpected. In America 16 is too young to discuss/read about stuff like that...a lot of people my age and younger do, but it's still taboo. I don't know how it is in your country. I'm not saying you should get rid of it, it was an interesting idea, but like I said. It wouldn't hurt to warn us about the more mature topics. Maybe in the description, you could say something like, "Rated T for blood, gore, and suggestive themes," or something like that. I don't personally have any problems with it (anymore), but if my parents found out they probably wouldn't let me read this book anymore. So yeah...

    Besides, there a few other things I found. On terms of repetition (it's not just me yay), you talk about Aedain "gracing" May with different looks, quite often. That's all that I could find though.

    Aedain talked about his father. I wonder if he still feels a little love for him. At first I thought the guy who sold the horses was mute, thought I guess it's just shock because he was able to speak a little.  I like that, because a lot of books make people talk way more than they should. It's really unrealistic. Gratz, you appeals to those of us who are speechless at times.

    ... <--- (that's what it looks like)

    You might want me to say, "Wait! Gosia, what'll happen to the demons???" Well, I just did. In case you didn't get that, I'll ask it again. Actually, no. I won't. I guess that's all for the review.

    Commented on: March 28, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    No comment for the ending... 0_()

    There isn't much to say. The chapters get better and better, May is making more choices, and gives it thought so the reader can think about what they read do in her place. Should she stay? Should she take the stone with her and see what happens if she touched Aedain with it? Warn the people? Very nice.

    Other thoughts: I'm wondering how rare these barrier stones are. I didn't expect there to be one in the middle on nowhere. And Aedain was woried about her, which was interesting. He must still love her.

    Commented on: March 28, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Do my eyes deceive me? Did Aedain smile happily? I guess he really isn't all bad, though still pretty evil. And Baltar, I'm starting to think that he's actually on the humans' side. He doesn't get along well with Aedain but he does with May, and was talking to Aedain about a tough enemy. He looks to me like a double agent. And he's older than Aedain if I interpreted things right. Otherwise they're like a family, with Aedain being the dad, Baltar the mom, Erik the son, and the girl the daughter.

    I know you probably are aware of this and they are just typos, but I wanted to say a few things. One is the difference between rise and raise. Rise is to raise yourself, like sitting up, and to raise is like saying to lift. You said persons once. Lastly, this (?!) a question mark and an exclamation mark, together, don't usually go together in formal writing, just like multiple ones (!!!) (???) so when you get this book published you might want to remove one.

    I don't get how someone can be "napping while walking" (middle of story, "Aedain glanced at...") unless you're talking about sleepwalking or walking tiredly/drunkenly.

    Your plot is really well thought out, just as in the rest of the story. Every event leads logically into the next one, and aren't too predictable. I like how there are still subtle funny parts in the story. Call me weird, but I kind of laughed a little when Aedain was holding May by the wrist because in my mind's eye it looked like they were holding hands. Baltar's dialog is also pretty funny.

    Commented on: March 28, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    I knew it! I knew it was Nesrin! She and and Zhawn are such evil geniuses! They hate everybody, right? No? He hates Kaellach and Aedain, but they're demons and hate humans. Well...Nesrin isn't a demon, is she? She has blue eyes. Is she...I don't know if I've said this before, but I think she's Erik's mother. Gosh, I keep forgetting what you say...I need to take notes...

    For errors, there aren't many. I had a hard time picturing the throne room. How many people were there, how big it was, why Leif was there in the first place. How much time had passed since his last reference, in the other chapter? You made it seem like it had been quite a while.

    I liked this chapter for the same reasons as the last one: all the thoughts going through everybody's heads, and the decisions being made. It was also easy to read.

    Commented on: March 28, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I do admit that I have problems with repetition, as shown in the last chapter and in the description. I'm glad you like Skylos being reintroduced.

    You'll see why the ritual was easy for Jason later in the series (he used duct tape) and I figured that Bianca would be a little...dumb...due to just being risen from the dead and facing the shock of her possible future boyfriend dying. I'm sorry if you think this is sexist or something (because she's the only girl), I'm not trying to be =)

    Like I said, if you have any tips or suggestions let me know and also if you don't like a chapter. I value honesty over sugarcoating.

    Thanks a lot for the reviews and have a nice day.

     

     

    Commented on: March 28, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Well, both Aedain and May have been both foolish and smart. Anything could happen. I'm waiting for Aedain to say something along the lines of, "No! I love you, woman! Will you marry me?" and May will kill him. Then a bunch of leprechauns take May back home (with Erik), but Baltar is with them, enraged by the death of his only friend and ready to avenge him. Then the stage is set for the sequel... o_o

    I find all (some of) these terms slightly confusing, I thought Aedain was looking for the Spear, and the key was for that. How do the mirror (the one that died, thanks to Maewyn's clumsy maid) and the portals relate? Wasn't the scroll about...never mind. I'm probably just being stupid again.

    This chapter was very action-packed, and the decisions made like May throwing the scroll in the fire were very clever. Also the little things, like "calmly devoured," "you know what people do in bushes," and Erik's hog. Nice chapter.

     

     

     

     

     

    Commented on: March 28, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    That was a nice bit of foreshadowing you have there. At the ending, I mean. And everywhere else. Aedain was so trying to impress May by ripping his shirt off and throwing her. I'm guessing. Now that she thinks he's hot, it's going to get pretty awkward.

    I'm no going to say much for the errors, I don't want to offend you again by saying things you already know. Just know that some of the things I told you before are here too, and there are some more typos.

    I'm not sure how realistic it is that May is experiencing some sort of...up-and-down thing. One moment she's happy, then she's mad, and happy again, then mad, and so on. She seems to enjoy it at times. Although it isn't too bad because the story is less grim. It just has a changing tone.

    I like the way you described their thoughts, while it was awkward that makes it more colorful and understandable. I also like how you made the chapter a bit different - a lot of them have May and Aedain arguing, and doing awkward things - by making the others notice and May thinking that Aedain is good-looking.

    You made a map, right? I think you should post a "video" of it YouTube and add the link to the book details page or something like that. Just suggesting.

    Is there anything else that you would like to see in these reviews?

    Commented on: March 28, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Looks like I have a lot of editing to do! =) I'll have to remove a lot of the references in there. I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote these chapters. Thanks a lot for the reviews, I'm glad I have someone to point out all those embarrassing mistakes.

    Commented on: March 27, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Oh no, she's going to get the Duke! And Leif! Is Nesrin some kind of snow witch? I'm wondering whether she's good or bad. Then again I'm thinking that way about a lot of people. Except for May, of course.

    First of all, "news" is like "water" in that both aren't measured like, "Hey, look! I have three news and nine waters!" They are both treated as singular words. "s wrath" should say "wasn't good" since news is one collection things that are new and water is a collection of water molecules. Am I making sense? If not don't be afraid to tell me or ask questions. In the next sentence you said "back from" when it should be "back to." You also said "the Karhadon's haven." You don't need "the" because you said "Karhadon's." Million in "she whispered before turning into million snowflakes that glided toward the sky." should be "into a million snowflakes..."

    This was yet another interesting chapter. Short but informative, it keeps the plot flexible but stable (like the U.S. constitution) in that the chapters are related but give different views/perspectives of the story and its characters. It's a lot less boring this way, nice job.

    Commented on: March 24, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Fortunately I get to review twice today. If it didn't take so long I would have read the whole thing by now. Knowing your love of blood and gore, I thought that someone was going to rip Aedain's heart out or something. Now I feel bad...he isn't that bad.   Kind of. 

    At the end Baltar said that Aedain cares about all demons, but he killed the falcon demon in chapter 7 and expressed his disgust toward that clan. Another thing is those attributions. You said, "'We are 

     

     

     

     

     

     

    going back to the river,' Aedain 

    glanced at the mermaid children." Glancing isn't a synonym for said so the comma should be a period. And you called the baby an it. Many times. That's...pretty sad, actually. And you mentioned it drowning. Can it, even though he's a mermaid? Or should I say, merboy

    I really like how you have the two sides, human and demon. I know that in WW1 the demons will gain their independence and the south part will become the Republic of Callesmere, and the humans will go back to wherever  they came from (don't think you've mentioned that). I feel like a human when I'm reading this, it is so captivating. 

    P.s.: Sorry if the wording and paragraphs look funny, I'm typing this on my phone.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Commented on: March 23, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Wow, this chapter sure did give a different perspective. Up until now I hadn't thought of the demons in child form. 

    I forgot to tell you that, in the last chapter, you said how did he look instead of what did he look like. For this chapter, there were a few more mistakes. Do you know what an attribution is? It's telling who said a quote, like she said in "Hello," she said. That's where most of your errors seem to be. You don't need to say that May was talking to Baltar when she called him by name. "She tried speaking" seems awkward to me. You could say  something like, "...she said, trying to speak..." instead. I'm not too sure about this, but "...said firmly and set his gaze..." would sound better (in my opinion) if you broke it up: "...said firmly. He set his gaze on Aedain's back." I've never seen "hissed out," usually it's just hissed. Same with "hold his eyes," where I would say "keep his eyes." Open, that is. Angered mobs would be "angry mobs." You said form instead of from and "a quite a" instead of "quite a." Sort of near the end you said, "Over the time distance..." or something like that. It took me a while to realize that you meant, "Over time the distance between..." You used time in the same sentence, which sounded repetitive, and you also said now. "Now," like "has seen," is using the present tense. It should be past tense. I would say, "The girl - wait no, MAY ;) - tried to catch up." Lastly..."a stare reserved for worms." That's another Polish expression, right? I've been looking for those since I found the first one. I've never heard someone say that before, so it was pretty amusing. -------:) That's a worm, I'd like to see how you stare at it. 

     

    Commented on: March 23, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Ooohhh Leif so loves May. I can't wait to see how they react when they find out the truth. Only Lavena knows. I wonder if she would have tried taking her if she were to go back in time to when she saw her. 

    A few errors. You often use "the" when referring to body parts when it should be "his." His hair. I didn't get it when you said that the man's flesh was black but his skin was red. Keep in mind that flesh is meat, on the inside, and you said the wound was shallow. You called Lavena "he" once at the beginning and again at the end, which I find rather rude. You used the present tense, one time getting the present and past perfect (has/had done) mixed up. Because you are writing in the past tense, you should say had. You Also said "the Thoen" once.

    I apologize if this comment seems a little negative, I really did enjoy the chapter. I liked the beginning, the way you said it made it really interesting. The way you kept the chapter going was pretty fluent, it was awkward at times and a little fast-paced but it was easy reading. I didn't get confused once, and I get confused a lot. Not with your story but in general. It's pretty clear, and I feel for the characters. Duke Thoen seemed especially realistic as his concern for May is obvious.

     

     

    Commented on: March 22, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    It's nice to hear from you again =) Thanks for the reviews. You sure did put a lot of thought into them.

    Yeah, Bianca isn't very realistically characterized...probably because I'm not a girl. Or a human at all. So if you have any tips let me know.

    Just a warning, the next two chapters are reversed. Knowing that won't spoil anything, it's just to avoid confusion. You'll see what I mean.

    I'll get back to reading your story now. Thanks again =)

    Commented on: March 22, 2014

  • The Legacy

    Hello. My name is Tiburon and I would like to comment on your story. It seems very interesting but I'm having trouble understanding it due to the wording. Is English your second language? What other languages do you speak? Anyway, here's the typos I noticed. I might have missed some. I apologize if these are just typos, but just in case:

    One thing is verbs. You add an S for the third person singular, meaning someone is doing it but not the person who's talking and not the person you're talking to. Only one person, and it can also be a thing. You only do this for the present tense. If you're speaking in the past, never use the S. The switch between present and past was a little confusing here.

    There were also parts where you added S to verbs that shouldn't have it. Necks should be neck and waters should be water, unless you are talking about bodies of water like oceans or lakes. Water is a substance, it isn't measured with a number. You treat it like a singular noun, without the S.

    The dialogue was rather weird because of the way you wrote it. It should be like this: She said, "Hello." Or: "Hello," she said. Notice how the first letter is capitalized (H not h) and there is no period (.) at the end, even if you say, "Hello!"

    In memories 003, Endrw (cool name, not sure how to pronounce it) swore, and you said f*** but for all the other swear words you spelled them out. Either way is fine, but keeping it the same way throughout is preferable.

    I've never heard of the word posses. I've never heard someone say vice as short for vice president, but maybe I have. Neither do I hear sleepers or flesh. Usually people only say flesh when talking about zombies eating people. Sacks(near the beginning) should be socks. There shouldn't be a dash in metallic-pipe or in no-accessories, and pants in yellow color should be yellow pants. Gaze on should be gazed at. When talking about an index finger or right hand, you can just say finger or hand because which one is already implied.

    With numbers, you spell out one through nine. When talking about feet, it should be five feet and eight inches rather than 5'8ft. That would be 5'8'' anyway.

    Something that even we native speakers have problems with is not writing like we talk. Writing out gonna instead of going to and using two exclamation points !! isn't proper.

    Do you know what articles are? I assume you do, if not they're the, a, and an. I didn't know that until just recently. You said "a claps" when you could have said "applause" and "the outside" when "the" should be taken out.

    Again, I'm sorry if you already knew this and these were just typos. I just wanted to be sure. If you didn't know, I appreciate all the work you put into writing all this out. I don't mind reading the rest if you want me to. It sounds really interesting. You might have to explain it a little though. Bye! =)

    Commented on: March 9, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    What a nice chapter. I haven't read Mystic Mirror in a while, but it wasn't too hard to understand. I was waiting for Aedain to see through Lavena's ruse. He's kind of stupid, not even thinking about the possibility of her being his prey. I really liked your dialogue, it was very interesting seeing the way they react to each other. May keeps pushing it, and Aedain doesn't want to kill her because he's in love. I thought Baltar liked May too but I guess he's completely interested in May now. And Erik just watched them. I wonder what would have happened if May had said his name. Is he famous or something?

    Grammatically, a little look-over wouldn't hurt. There are a few typos and awkward phrasing. I'm wondering what happened to the balding eagle (nice play on words) because he wasn't mentioned. Other than that, like I said, the dialogue is amusing. I also like the way Baltar and Lavena are thinking. Very clever.

    That's about it. Thanks for the reading experience. Peace =D

     

     

    Commented on: March 8, 2014

  • EndGame

    I like the way you split up the chapters. It has a strong beginning and end. I also like how you introduced the characters and described "Dom," it was very natural. He seems like a humble boy, someone who wouldn't be afraid to say that he was crying so it wasn't cheesy. It seems a little cliched at times (they need each other, have little hope but fight anyway in respect for those who are dead) and repetitive (saying how they were all alone, and were horrified by the fact that they were killing things that were once human) and there were some typos but it was well-written. They make an interesting group, and I wonder what adventures they'll have further on.

    Like I said, I'll read the whole thing but if you don't want me to comment on it because of my perspective (someone who has never read a zombie apocalypse or horror story) that's fine, otherwise I would be happy to.

    Commented on: February 24, 2014

  • EndGame

    Hello. I've never read a zombie apocalypse story before, but this one seems very interesting. The Necrons don't sound like your average zombie. I only read up to the part when he finished talking about their encounter with the one in the stadium, because I can't read the whole thing at once. You might want to break it up into chapters of about 2,000 words each. I'll keep reading though because I like your story. As for your comment:

    I think you had a really strong beginning. It started off with a nice quote and then some action, not boring at all. I also like the way he said the first several paragraphs like a story, where everything was fast-paced and the only quotes were from that one Necron. I can't speak for other people, but it makes me feel like I know a little background info. Not too much, not too little. This makes me expect good detail and a slower pace later on, with more quotes from the main characters, to distinguish his explanation for the first two quotes from the actual story. Hopefully his name gets mentioned. Peeking ahead I think it's Dominic. Lastly, another strength is how you did your "show, don't tell" by not directly saying that the evacuation was at the stadium or that his brother's name is Justin.

    I can't really say many of the weaknesses because I haven't read past the intro (besides the huge chunk of words) but some more physical descriptions would be useful. You described what the Necrons look like and the streets littered with the slain, but there's also the main characters and the other senses: smell, taste, hearing, and touch.

    Like I said, this is an interesting story and I'll read the rest when I get the chance.

     

     

    Commented on: February 22, 2014

  • Lords of Kaigande

    Just like the last chapter, this one was a little confusing but I think I got it. The story seems to be based off of the Middle East, and maybe some other, similar cultures. I like how you have both magic and telepathy, calling telepathy Listening makes it all the more original. It seems as though she's really powerful, stronger than Jem and Tieryn, but has a hard time controlling it. At first I thought she was having mood swings or something, it was pretty strange but fascinating. She really likes to say "gods above" I wonder if she's crazy =). The different personalities are also interesting, as well as mysterious. I can't tell whether they're serious or just testing her. Looks like she has a lot ahead of her. Still don't know what riverborn means. Nice chapter, like I said it shows a lot of creativity.

     

    Commented on: February 20, 2014

  • Lords of Kaigande

    Yet another nice chapter. There's a lot to take in, you obviously put a lot of thought into it. I am a little confused though. I'm not sure whether I've got this right, but the way I see it is that Riyan is 26 years old now, and teaches Machiology, whatever that is. Her best friend is Mendel (the love-hate relationship between them is obvious). She seems to have a lot on her mind, doing considerable research on something called Shamin's Gates in some place called Shamin for four months, but she got too obsessed with it so now she has to teach Advanced Practical Magic. I kind of feel sorry for her, because it seems as though nobody takes her seriously. Mendel and her boss Reg listen, but they always make fun of her. She doesn't seem to have any friends who are actually girls, unless you count Reg's daughter Arin. As for who's who, I know that Riyan is the main character. Mendel is the king's son, and his siblings I assume are Maira, an older sister, and Beryn, a younger brother. It seems to me as though their roles are that Maira wants to marry before Mendel to become queen and have power, while he wants Beryn to marry Leonora del Caprioni so he doesn't have to. Mendel also has an uncle, and I'm guessing he lost his mom because of the watch thing. Reg is Riyan's boss, and Reg's boss is Dean Harami, I think. I would like to know what being a river-born magician means.

    This is the way I see it, I might have missed something and I figure some of my assumptions are wrong, and that I'm missing some important things.

     

     

    Commented on: February 19, 2014

  • Welcome to Aodel

    Okay. Thanks for commenting from a reader's point of view, it's nice to know what readers think of the story itself and how I can improve it. I can't work on it right now, but I'll fix it before I continue writing. Thanks again.

    Commented on: February 19, 2014

  • Lords of Kaigande

    Hello. I really like your story. At first I thought it was confusing, but that's nothing new for prologues. I can already tell that it's going to be an amazing and original story, with lovable characters. Now for the pros and cons, feel free to ignore the ones you disagree with:

    This story was very well-written in terms of style (the way I see it, I might have missed some stuff) but there were some typos. Just to give examples from the first paragraph, you said anxiously twice in the same sentence and forgot the dash in half-open. Later on you put emphasis in all caps instead of italics (unless that's how you do it in Canada). I personally was shocked at how Galen and Teacher Varsi swore in front of a little kid, though I guess it makes things more interesting. That's about all I can think of for the prologue, though I would like to say that the description seems rather long and overly packed with info to me.

    I really liked how you started the story. With a quote, and minor conflict. It was very attention-getting. The way you said what kind of day it was and a general idea of what Riyan's parants look like was nice. Their argument was just the right length, not confusingly short but not so long that it was annoying. Like I said, there is a sense of originality in here, like Teacher being an actual title and it being in some sort of mix between High Fantasy (kings and princes) and Urban Fantasy (I saw something about cars). The characters are relatable but appear to have your own twist on them, which shows in the plot line. It's interesting how this was entertaining but you still have that moral part to it, where they talk about how "Names don't count, so long as you work hard."

    Keep in mind that this comment is from the perspective of a fish who writes humor, so I don't blame you if what I said confuses you. However, if you find this useful, I would be happy to comment on the rest.

     

     

     

     

    Commented on: February 18, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Thanks a lot for the review, I'm glad you liked the chapter. Bye.

     

    Commented on: February 17, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Tall trees and fertile soil. Yup, you only find that in fairy tales. I liked your shark reference near the middle of the story, we don't get mentioned often in stories, so that was refreshing. I also liked May's reaction to riding Aedain, and his reaction to her reaction. It's pretty hard to make a shark smile, because of the weird mouth shape, but somehow you did it. The only thing I don't get is the tower. Is it one big hunk of stone? How did the vines make a whole, and why - isn't there a door? What is the design? Oh well. It's a tower and can do whatever it wants.

    I rate this chapter four snails out of five 🐌🐌🐌🐌/🐌🐌🐌🐌🐌 because I have some questions but it was very well-written. I like your descriptions, like May getting off of Meirch and them crossing the river.

     

    Commented on: February 17, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    I don't know if you've ever written humor, but I find it rather hard to maintain it while still keeping a solid plot. Writing in first person, writing how 16-year-olds would describe things but still being descriptive, is also hard. For me =). Thanks a lot for the review, and not being afraid to tell me what's wrong but still saying what's good about it. I wrote this book a long time ago, before the date it says on the page (November 1).

    About Noah, I know his chapter is a bit strange. He does appear later. It has to do with the last few chapters, but that's all I will say.

    I couldn't find the Christmas and Thanksgiving references, but I'm sure they're there. As for the broken Greek, I did that on purpose. The countries in the series are based off of real-life countries. One of them is Greken-Rom, based off of ancient Greece and Rome. The series' languages are also based off of the real thing, but not completely. Kind of like how most of the spells are based off of Rusdkotl.

    I won't try to defend myself on the other things you've said. You make a good point, and I'll take a break from Welcome to Aodel to fix those. I'll fix the awkwardness, and make Calvin and Bianca better characters. And put in more action.

    Thanks for the reviews and have a nice day. <--- I haven't said that very much, have I? Sorry about that. We don't say stuff like that very much where I live (at least we teenagers don't) I guess because it's implied. Also I don't want to say "nice day" if you're reading this at nighttime =)

    Commented on: February 16, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Of course. You can't have a fantasy story without a dragon =). So that's what Baltar and Aedain really are. Nice. There were a lot of typos, but besides that there wasn't much wrong with the story. Except maybe Aedain interrupting Baltar and May. I didn't really feel it, because of the way you ended their quotes. "Just about the witch..." with ellipses makes it seem as though Baltar was drifting off, not continuing his sentence but not being interrupted. However, "Just about the witch-" with a hyphen makes the sentence seem to stop more suddenly. It might also help if you got rid of the attribution (Baltar said). I liked how you talked about the second moon having different phases and not being visible that night, and the days being longer. The unique lunar and solar cycles are a neat addition to the story. I also think that May's thoughts are very natural - thinking about home, being worried about her family, and still trying to escape.

    I rate this chapter five Skyloses out of five 🐺🐺🐺🐺🐺/🐺🐺🐺🐺🐺 because their conversation was fun to read and it was nice to know what Aedain's true form is.

    Commented on: February 14, 2014

  • Kingdom of the Ravens

    This chapter answered some questions, but it was a little confusing too. You said that James was looking at Helen's eyes, but after looking back I realized that you meant to talk about the raven symbol on the door handle. There were plenty of typos, like saying that Helen glided to a coach (couch), and the last sentence was kind of obvious. That was a little awkward, as well as "James then realized they actually were discussing the weather" and "You know Merlin created this land." How did James know that Merlin created Egiagor? Otherwise I like your characterization of James. He seems pretty confused, but isn't going totally crazy because he's read a lot of fantasy books before. He doesn't seem to know how to talk to people though. I wonder if that's going to get him into trouble.

     

    Commented on: February 14, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Okay, thanks. I was trying to show the confusion that Jason and Michael were feeling but I'll do that. Is there anything in particular you don't understand?

    Commented on: February 14, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Yay, yet another character. I'll have to start taking notes on all these people and things. Was Sigurd in the story before? I don't remember him. Sorry if he was.

    I'm glad to have met Arnstein's friend. Lavena's a good guy (lady) right? She seems like it. Arnstein trusted her. I wonder if she'll be able to help them with the problem of the demons. Though you said witches are believed  to be descendants of the demons, so I don't know why she would want to betray them.

    I rate this chapter four stars out of five ⭐⭐⭐⭐/⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ because it was a very nice chapter but I would like some description on what the village looks like, just a little. The familiar too, I don't know what you meant by a chicken readied for dinner. If you want to concentrate more on the plot then ignore this, I just don't want to say that every chapter is perfect and rate it 5/5.

     

     

    Commented on: February 14, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    I like how the demons aren't completely evil, and Baltar isn't completely stupid. Nice way of keeping your characters balanced and original. This chapter was amazing, it was nice to hear more about the story and learn about the demons. It makes me wonder if not all demons are evil, sorry if I said that before. I do know I talked about how they see themselves as humans, it's even more obvious here. The story is also interesting in that it shows how the strong ones aren't always the winners. Though how humans got magic and an omnipotent spear...and where they came from is still unanswered. There's still a little mystery in the story, reason to read it and find out more.

    I have a different theory. Now it seems like the Laismarans resemble the Irish and the humans are like the English, I don't remember what time period that was.

    I rate this chapter five mushrooms out of five 🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄/🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄because it is very well-written. As you've probably discovered, typos (like Keallach instead of Kaellach, spilling beans instead of spilling the beans, putting emphasis on Erik a couple times at the end of the chapter, etc.) don't influence the rating.

     

     

    Commented on: February 13, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Ohhh...8'( this was so sad. Poor Royse. I wonder what Zhawn's intentions are. He failed...what, 80 years ago? By the way, you don't have to spell out numbers greater that nine. Just a side note. You don't have to if you don't want to. Just like May didn't want Abrran to die. That was very witty, what Zhawn did there. Saying that she wanted him to die and loved Aedain. I bet the dukedoms are going to get angry at each other and fight even more, the alliance between Thoen and Royse broken. The end was shocking - does Royse know he's a demon? I know Zhawn hates humans. He definately has his evil plans. Is the barrier stone involved? I noticed that you haven't mentioned it lately.

    I give this chapter five kisses out of five 💋💋💋💋💋/💋💋💋💋💋 because again I didn't like the gore but that's more of a personal thing. This is yet another chapter that adds more to the plot, keeps the story flowing.

    P.S.:Your FictionPress account is under the name "Gosia89" and you say, I quote, "Hello, my name is unpronounceable for most of humankind, but fortunately it can be shortened to Gosia." Yeah, the 89 makes it incredibly hard to pronounce. =D

    Commented on: February 13, 2014

  • Kingdom of the Ravens

    So they crossed over to Egiagor. I liked the realism and thoughtfulness you put into this chapter. Usually a protagonist like James would be polite and wouldn't go through the phases of accepting that he did. This and the gradual introduction of the plot (James didn't visit Egiagor right away is what I mean) made it a nice change. The world is interesting, and I look forward to future surprises. Your details, like them having a British-like accent and drawing blood to go between the two worlds, made it more fun to read. The parts where you talked about his dreams, but not in the figurative way, and the end where he wasn't so excited to go on an adventure anymore were quite high-quality.

    You have some editing for this chapter, there's some syntax errors. Some things I wanted to say were that we as Americans spell it "gray" and not "grey" and 's (apostrophe + s) isn't used to make things plural, so it would be "fachens" rather than "fachen's" like "TVs" rather than "TV's."

     

     

    Commented on: February 13, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    I'm glad you liked it. Whenever I make things dark it seems sarcastic, like "jk, not really" and a little offensive. Thanks for the review, you seem to know your books very well.

     

    Commented on: February 13, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Haha =) Yup, these last few chapters are really cheesy. Told tell anyone, but... *looks around* these were kind of space-fillers, I guess I wanted them in but really they're more to have exactly 30 chapters and about 60k words. I'm just going to spoil it for you and say that the ultimate twist is in the last chapter where Amaatlik kills them and then destroys the world. Oops, sorry! ;)

    Thanks for the review. I'll definitely keep that in mind, and see how I can strengthen chapter 27.

     

    Commented on: February 13, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Zhawn doesn't seem so strong anymore. His followers obviously weren't good enough. The dialogue between Larry (I named the reptile guy Larry, hope you don't mind) and Aedain was interesting. The demons of course think they're better than everybody else, even each other. That gives me reason to think that Aedain and Baltar have a weakness.

    Though why didn't Larry just hit them during the fight? Do the other ones not have that really cool lightning power? In the last chapter you said that Aedain didn't need May, but he keeps doing these nice things to her. And somehow, for some reason, Erik slipped off the saddle after Aedain gave him his pendant back. Aedain had to put him back on Meirch.

    I keep forgetting to tell you about repeated words. To some people it doesn't matter, but if it does to you, I hear "cursed inwardly" and "damn" a lot. Nothing big, just wanted to let you know.

    This chapter's rating is five poodles out of five 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩/🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩 because it wasn't awkward and I liked the ending.

    Commented on: February 12, 2014

  • Ensis

    Oh, there's another chapter. Sorry. It's nice how the chapter was through Richard's point of view. The thoughts were very child-like, but you still made it a most enjoyable chapter. I particularly liked the part about little Richard thinking that he was dreaming, and how you described it as horrible, secret fear. It's interesting how he's very polite. A lot of six-year-olds are monsters. If there's anything else you would like to see in these comments, like analysis/interpretation or suggestions, let me know.  

     

    Commented on: February 12, 2014

  • Kingdom of the Ravens

    I don't mean to argue, but some would consider J.K. Rowling and Cassandra Clare young adult authors. Some are kind of in between. Sorry if I'm annoying you, just wanted to say that. Your review:

    There was a lot of emotion in this chapter. Very nice way of showing rather than telling. I have a hard time telling what time of day it is (in general, not just this chapter) and the last paragraph was a bit long, but it didn't distract too much from the story. It was clever how James thought of "fight or flight" by looking at the bird =).

    If there's anything in particular that you would like in these reviews (rating, interpretation, analysis, suggestions, etc.) let me know.  

     

     

    Commented on: February 12, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Nice to meet more Irish Native *Polishes*. I was interested when you said, "..they weren't doing quite as fine job at pretending to be humans as Aedain and Baltar did." It makes me wonder if all the demons have different forms. Are there monsters from Polish mythology in the story? Is there such a thing? Anyway, the sway of the plot was very skillful, with moments of hope and moments of "yup, she's dead..." especially at the end.

    I'm not sure which of the typos are simply mistakes and which are things you don't know how to say. If the latter, you can always ask someone or get a style book. They weren't that bad though.

    Thanks for not overdoing the swearing. I don't mind if there's a little like in here, but it's always annoying when people think they're funny because they know what swear words are. You could probably describe the gore a little less though. You don't need to constantly remind us that there's guts lying on the ground. I know you're trying to make it impacting, so at least give a warning saying that chapter 25 has gore in it. There could be squeamish people reading. I just realized...poor Erik! I rate this chapter four knives out of five 🔪🔪🔪🔪/🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪. Good job.

     

     

    Commented on: February 12, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    So you'll have reviewed 24 chapters and I'll have reviewed 26. Sounds fair to me. How many chapters on this next "reviewing spree"?

     

    Commented on: February 12, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Thanks! I hope you continue to like it, besides really bad humor Hunting Amaatlik focuses on the characters a lot. Definitely not as good as your story though.

    I'm sorry about your snow problem back east. Feel free to hate me for living in the southwest, where we have no snow. And tell your glass house not to die for me.

    Commented on: February 12, 2014

  • Kingdom of the Ravens

    This story's emotion was very convincing, and making this a kids' story would, in my opinion, ruin that. If you can't decide between child and teen then I think you should do both. This is a very special story and I would hate for you to change it completely without keeping the original. Of course, I know it's your choice. Just saying. I apologize, for I am not fully aware of your reasons for changing it or not changing it. Either way, here's my review for the chapter:

    This was kind of like a dream. Wild, full of details, and it feels like it's actually happening. I had a hard time understanding why James wanted to kill Nightingale and felt that mix of emotions, but the whole mystery is very stimulating. You might want to shorten some of the sentences and parargaphs, they tended to get a little long. Nice chapter overall, I'm really enjoying this story.

     

    Commented on: February 11, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Ohhh. Royse's advisor is Zhawn! Oh my goodness! The Irish Native Americans are within them! I'm glad that you included Zhawn in the story again. I was wondering where he fits in. It also makes me wonder what kind of person he his. Surely he's evil, but he hates Aedain, so maybe he will be key to the girl's escape. And no, I'm not making fun of you. I actually forgot May's name. Speaking of the girl, her chapters weren't bad but a chapter focusing on other characters was nice. It makes everything less monotonous and keeps everything flowing. Didn't Zhawn die, in Aedain's story? Or was it his fate that he lived? You didn't say what happened then,which makes me think that it is the same Zhawn. Unless there's a lot of Zhawns. In my intermediate family I'm the only one who isn't named Zhawn so I can relate =D. And Nesrin. She is very mysterious. I wonder what Zhawn will do to her. I'm just going to insert a "Poor Royse, Abrran died!" here.

    I rate this chapter five puffer fish out of five 🐡🐡🐡🐡🐡/🐡🐡🐡🐡🐡 because it was short but important. I can feel the Team Zhawn versus Team Aedain. Both are evil but they hate each other, so it seems reasonable to hope that one kills the other and then there's only one evil demon to take care of.

    Commented on: February 11, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Well, looks like you've been rather busy. Thanks a lot for all the comments. I appreciate the thought that you put into all of them. It's really nice to come home from a busy day at school and read what you've said. I'm glad you like the story.

    Commented on: February 11, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Thanks. I apologize if the story is too crazy, I don't know what was on my mind when I wrote that chapter. 

    Commented on: February 11, 2014

  • Kingdom of the Ravens

    I'm surprised that James hasn't fainted, but the reaction you have is just as good. I feel sorry for him.

    You're going to think I'm stupid, but when I read the part about Ravens talking I couldn't resist looking them up to see what that was all about =). Well, very engaging.

    Mostly you're very descriptive, but at some parts it seems to skip time, like James not driving to the library and parking there, which you didn't mention. It's a little thing, I found it slightly awkward but that's probably just a pet peeve. Nice chapter, I'm glad for the opportunity to read it.

     

    Commented on: February 10, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    WOW❗❗❗ What a cliff-hanger ending. I like how you made May cry. I didn't realize that she hasn't done that yet. It was very emotional, and I'm sadistic too so I like crying (no not really, but it did make things interesting). It was very...heartwarming...that Baltar was being nice to May...I suppose. I don't want to seem weird liking touching moments while I'm a boy. I see what you did there though. The beginning was very realistic, with the girl =) struggling to get up. By now it's pretty obvious that they need a way to escape or they will perish. It makes me wonder if Erik will save them somehow, because he's part demon. I rate this chapter four pig noses out of five 🐽🐽🐽🐽/🐽🐽🐽🐽🐽 because it was a nice chapter, a lot of character-character actions and reactions, but the part where Aedain was staring at her body made me feel awkward and you called May an idiot woman. Usually character thoughts are in italics or written as the character talking to themself. If you don't agree that's fine. Just saying.  

     

     

     

    Commented on: February 10, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Haha, ignore Wyrwas. You can love Jason if you want. This story does involve a little romance, but it's based off of humor and maybe a little mystery. I'm glad you like it.

    Best wishes for you and your fellow Atlantans. Stay safe in all that snow.

     

    Commented on: February 10, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Glad you enjoyed it. I like your thinking, you really like Skylos, huh? 

    Commented on: February 10, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Haha, "And I only know the ones where brave dragons slay evil humans." -awkward- I liked the way you provided more information through Aedain's thoughts and his story. That was very natural. It was also good how he spoke of the king as if Kaellach                Was a human and humans are the creatures, and how you broke it up so that it wasn't just one giant paragraph. The only things(s) I can think of are, grammatically, quotes within other quotes are in singular marks, like "He said, 'No one can escape (their) fate.'" That's the other thing:I'm sure you know this, but some words don't have an article, like fate. It could also be "No one can escape fate." 

    Commented on: February 9, 2014

  • Kingdom of the Ravens

    Yup, James is definitely crazy. The way you described everything was very thought-provoking. There were some errors, mostly un-separated sentences. I don't see how a black light could be blinding, but then again I've never actually seen one, I don't think. Again your details are very flavorful. I couldn't stop laughing when you said, "Looks over his shoulder a lot, not sure if he is being safe or if he thinks he is in a Bond movie."

     

    Commented on: February 9, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Haha, I know what you mean. I tried not to make the story too cliche. It does have a lot of twists and strange parts. It also gets less about a dystopian government and more about the relationships between the characters. It seems to work better with humor than seriousness, whenever something bad happens it turns out all wrong. I'm trying to get a good mix.

     

    Commented on: February 9, 2014

  • Ensis

    I like how this chapter shows that Dylan is an actual person with actual thoughts. It's still a little confusing though. My understanding is that Dylan has to do something until two years that will save his little sister and the kingdom, and he doesn't want to do it but nobody cares. Is his mom the queen? If so, where's the king? What is so special about turning 16 if he's been doing this silent vigil thing for a while? What was he doing in the courtroom? You said that he pledged to do it, but also spoke of it as a prophecy, something he was born to do. Nothing against the way you've laid this out. I'm just a stupid little fishy and tend to go for more direct plots. Your characters, while a little abstract in my eyes, were rather interesting. It's funny how Belle tried to mimic the ladies and how they were all talking over each other.

     

     

     

    Commented on: February 9, 2014

  • Welcome to Aodel

    Thanks! Feoi was facing away from the minecart, which had the lantern up front, so it wasn't in his face. His eyes simply adjusted in the dark. I'll go back and clarify that.

     

    Commented on: February 9, 2014

  • Kingdom of the Ravens

    Oh, you think I live in an aquarium, do you? How degrading! I occupy international waters, thank you very much. I am not American, or any other nationality because I don't live on land. I do live in the pacific time zone. I know what you mean about changing your story a lot. Believe it or not, I've changed my story many times. It will change again because good ideas keep coming, replacing not-so-good ideas that are there. The more I write, the better feeling I have for my characters, and the more they change. Just to give you a warning, when you change the beginning, the rest of your story will likely change as well. People might say things that are out of character, or you will have taken something out because it seems weird, but then remember that it's an important part to the story. Note taking helps you remember what to keep and what to not keep, and it's always good to ask this when people give you comments. Lastly, it's also good to think about why people do or do not like certain aspects of your story, considering what kind of stories they usually like to read, their gender/age, etc. If you use "Copy and paste from Word" it should keep the formatting. Hope this helps.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Commented on: February 9, 2014

  • Ensis

    When I first read this chapter, it felt formal and adult-like. I don't know why, maybe it was the vocabulary, or the way the adults seemed more important and how you described Richard's naievete. I'm not saying that I think it's a bad or good thing, that's just the way I see it, though I liked when you described Richard's thoughts. They were very fun to read and brought back memories of when I was a little boy. The scene at the end with the cookie made me laugh. Your plot line is nice, and the only thing I can think of is that personally I would like some physical descriptions, of Ensis and the Hendersons.

     

    Commented on: February 8, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Thanks! =D I'm sorry about all the people dying in this book (Skylos, Bianca, Jason, and...) oh gosh, I feel bad about that smiley face now. Remember that the sequel is called Necromancer's Curse. Haha, Michael not going to resurrect Jason. Not to give away any hints.

     

    Commented on: February 8, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    (Forgive me for the long comment chain.) Are you saying that I should re-write it? The lesson was supposed to show some of Calvin's character, and the mood change is supposed to reflect their thoughts. They, particularly Michael, will think that their experiences with magic ruined their lives and changed them forever, for the worse. The negative mood reflects that - but Jason will always try to be funny, even in bad times, because I don't want to mess up the humor of the story. If you think I should rewrite everything, though, I'll consider it. 

    Commented on: February 8, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Have you ever heard of love at first sight? Look it up if you want to. It's stupid, but it happens. Brace yourself.

    In all honesty, what do you think of the book at this point? Is there anything in particular that I could do to make it better? If you can't take this story anymore, I started a new one, Welcome to Aodel.

    Commented on: February 8, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    the way you talk, right? It's very important. Also, I like how May and Aedain talked to each other. Their dialogue was very interesting. I was a little confused when you talking about how the  moon's light was blindingly bright until you mentioned there being two. The end was also kind of unclear. Why did the girl [;)] keep the ruined clothes? How did she use them as a pillow and wrap them around Erik? Was he positioned under her head? It didn't help that you have tons of typos. You seem to love them. For example, you forgot to italicize May's thoughts near the end. Still a good chapter though.

    Does the girl have her own magic? Some kind of mind control? It seemed to me as though she was making the demons be nice to them, such as letting them camp for the night and bathe even though they tried to escape when they could have just killed them them being May and Erik but instead Aedain spared them and it's as if May was controlling his mind so yeah. I also had the strange thought of Hailey's opposite being Aedain, I don't know why. Maewyn doesn't have a sister, so my suspicion has been raised.

    Commented on: February 8, 2014

  • Kingdom of the Ravens

    This chapter was just as good. I can definitely relate to James (as such I don't think he's girly at all), and Quinn reminds me of my own little sister. Your details made the chapter all the more immersive. The humor is just right, not too bland like most fantasy books but not too direct like mine. Like I said, words that aren't English like "por favor" are italicized. There were some grammar mistakes, but they weren't that bad. Going over your chapter when you're done writing it, or forcing a friend/family member to look over it, does a lot. Do you speak a second language? I'm just curious, because you seem to have that sort of style in your writing, or is that just me being stupid? Lastly, what's the YA?

     

    Commented on: February 8, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Thanks, I'm glad you found a favorite character. As for the details, you learn a little bit about it in each chapter, at least further on. The pacing and detail are supposed to represent Jason's and Michael's thoughts, but you have a point. If there's anything you really want to know, maybe it would make the story more enjoyable, please tell me. 

    Commented on: February 8, 2014

  • Kingdom of the Ravens

    Hey, your characterization is awesome. I love all your characters, and I can relate to James. It was a little confusing, particularly at the beginning. It took me a while to understand what was happening. It was also a little weird when you mentioned how his dad has an English accent. I like to call the rest of the book mysterious though, because the little details made it fun to read. There were some grammar mistakes but they aren't that bad.

    Commented on: February 8, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    So is J.R.R. because she didn't sue me. =D

    Commented on: February 6, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Since scary trees with faces are not made up, I kept him but now he's called an abrol, from the Spanish word "árbol" meaning "tree." Happy now?

    Commented on: February 6, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Woah, woah. Calm down Gosia. =) I didn't know that thing about the ents. You see, when I was little I used to play this online game called Runescape, and I don't remember much but I do remember it including ents in that context, so I assumed that it was an actual mythological creature. Thanks for letting me know, I'll change it right now as I don't want this to be a fanfiction.

    Commented on: February 6, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    I must say, this chapter was rather interesting. While their thoughts and actions were a little repetitive, I like how May tried to think of an explanation for everything rather than just except them as they were. The beginning was very emotional, but the end was a little suspicious, where the demons weren't being harsh to them. While you obviously put a lot of thought in your story, it looks as though you don't look over it when you're done. Though I shouldn't complain, because I do the same. =) The only inconsistency I could find was that Aedain's vambraces changed from steel in the last chapter to leather in this chapter. You forgot to mention that he has magic vambraces.

     

    Commented on: February 6, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Thanks! It does get a bit weird, and not too serious until the middle. I'll keep your comments in mind when I start editing. One chapter a day seems fine.

    Commented on: February 6, 2014

  • Kingdom of the Ravens

    Nice chapter! The beginning wasn't as interesting as it could be ( I would probably start it with a quote, but that's just my opinion), but it wasn't boring. The exposition wasn't too short, and I already feel as though I already know the characters a little. It was nice of you to not make us attached to Ryker's family before they were slain. Usually words in foreign languages, like your spell "sasalt," are written in italics (sasalt). There were a few minor grammar errors such as saying "Sarah" twice in the same sentence. Other than that, I enjoyed the prologue and look forward to reading the rest.

     

    Commented on: February 6, 2014

  • Ensis

    I like your start. Very mysterious. The way you described Ensis's beaches and Dylan's obsession with the number nine made me immediately interested. The way you called his leather jacket dark was effective, hinting at his emotions. His effect on the others and the way they react (they are so curious that they bribe the castle guards for information) is very interesting, and adds a little flavor to the story. I'm not sure how descriptive you wanted to be on terms of what the island looks like beyond what is on your cover picture, I can't tell whether it's an island or some kind of coastal settlement. Is it a settlement? How is there a castle on a beach? If you want to keep it vague and mysterious that also works, I'm just saying.

     

    Commented on: February 5, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

     Aaahhh, so Aedain is Kaellach's son. Looking back on the first chapter, I was reminded that Zhawn has gold eyes too, but he and Nesrin acted as though he isn't in the same clan. This means that all demons have gold eyes, or not just Kaellach's clan...right? I still want to know who Nesrin is.

    This chapter was very suspenseful. May kept talking to Aedain even though he was warning her. That seems a bit unrealistic, but her other reactions were pretty good. I know Kaellach needs her alive so he can use her to make Erik obey him. Speaking of Erik, his relationship with May just got really complicated...

    My theory is that Leif will try to save May and they fall in love (you said she prefers modest and sensitive guys, and Leif seems to fit that description) so he goes with her when she returns to Earth. However, his opposite is Hailey's boyfriend and the boyfriend gets sent to the Callesmere world, and the adventure starts all over again...=) Sorry if I just butchered your plot, but that's it.

    Commented on: February 4, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Thanks, I'm glad you like it! Again, I'm sorry about all the masculineness in the story, it was ignorant of me to not include any girls. Though I guess Jason does act like a girl sometimes, and Bianca replaces him in the sequel.

    If there's anything that I can clear up or do to make the story better, please let me know. Thanks again for taking the time to review "Hunting Amaatlik", I know you're trading reviews with other people.

    Commented on: February 4, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Of all the chapter's I've read so far, this is my favorite. I like how you show what's going on in May's mind, like being annoyed by Abrran but also kind of shy, deciding that she needed him if she wanted to go to the temple, and relating to movies she saw on the Middle Ages. The little details were also very immersive - May swearing in front of Abrran, the mule, describing Aedain and his horse, etc. These and the plot made this chapter a satisfying read. As for the plot itself, May's previous conflicts were fair enough, but finally! She finds the real action! I like the way Arnstein and Abrran defended her, because it shows that Arnstein isn't really that lazy and Abrran isn't so snobbish.

    In response to your question, Lilo and Stitch is some movie my sister was watching about a little alien (like Erik) who means well but is very destructive and two other aliens hunt him down (like Baltar and Aedain).

    Lastly, this isn't that related and you probably don't care, but I think that one of the things that makes a book good is letting the reader make their own theories and assumptions on what will happen. If you want to know mine (again, probably not)...I would personally but I know you haven't finished your book yet.

    Would you like me to keep commenting for every chapter or once every few? Either way is fine with me, but I figure you have your preference.

     

     

    Commented on: February 3, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    I don't get why this is called Demon Blood. It's still a nice chapter though. Pros and cons - The first chapter was a bit strange. "the chest," "reminding...[him?]," and "the supper" is what I mean. Also, I'm not sure whether you're aware of this, but it says the chapter name twice. And Erik's legs were wobbling under him even though he was sitting. =)

    Is it just me, or does this chapter seem a lot like the movie "Lilo and Stitch", but with demons instead of aliens? Regardless, Erik's captors are very mysterious but too mysterious, and I'm really anxious to see what they're up to. I think I like Erik a lot more now that I know he's not with the demons, but is just a mutt. He's also very interesting.

     

    Commented on: February 2, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    What a terrible chapter! I can't believe you even...!!! Just kidding, this one was just as nice as the other ones. I'm not sure whether the Karhadon crest has a black fish (as said in chapter 14) or a red fish (as said in this chapter) but the other details were very good, like Abrran combing his hair and the duke's pushing his cup away and then pouring too much. I liked hearing their conversation, and seeing how May reacted when they made her leave. The end, with the letter, was especially cool. Like May, I'm anxious to see what'll happen.

    Commented on: February 1, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Very mysterious. I thought Erik was bad, but those demons are after him so surely he isn't? My assumption is that those people were his clan, and the female person was his mom. He said he was an orphan, but wasn't that sad about it so it looks like he's lying. If they are his family, would he have fangs too? I guess they didn't grow in yet. This must be why destruction follows him wherever he goes. Your repetition of words such as "brat" gets annoying, but it isn't too bad because it makes the bad guys look like the annoying ones. In the third paragraph, you said "skill matching this of..." instead of "that of". Otherwise nice chapter.

     

    Commented on: February 1, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Thanks, I hope that their differences make the story more interesting in the future. The mood of the story changes a little from that point, where Jason will still try to make you laugh but Michael will try to keep the story serious and less random.

    Do you think that I should add some female characters? Bianca plays a larger role in the sequel, but I didn't notice that almost all of the characters in "Hunting Amaatlik" are male, unless you count Calvin as genderless. I'm sorry if this is really awkward for you... ;D

    Glad you're enjoying it. Good day.

    Commented on: February 1, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Wow, how can they be so stupid? May doesn't notice that Erik is EVIL (hey, those two kinda sound alike) and they don't realize that she's from another world. Very suspenseful - you wonder when they will notice. Is Leif a demon too? He got some negative attention from Erik, and sensed the horses like Erik did. And does Erik's talisman have mind control powers or something? I like the way you talk, too: referring to eyes as orbs and saying that Hilda's back was so straight that it looked as though she swallowed a stick. Is that how you talk in Polish? I've never heard someone talk like that before. It's a little awkward, but makes the story more fun to read. The only grammar mistake I found is when you said "they have walked". Using "have" as a verb is for the present tense. For the past tense, you would say "had". You probably knew that though. I like how the chapter was less serious, and including a little humor.

     

     

     

    Commented on: January 30, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Gosh, that was graphic 0_0 I don't like those guys very much. Oh no, Erik is a demon. Are they all parts of clans, or is that just demons? And how did the sergeant remember being decapitated? Are the demons part of the native people? I recognized that "evil language". You don't have to answer these questions if they would spoil it, I'm just sharing my thoughts. What an interesting chapter.

    Commented on: January 30, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Oh, this chapter was very heartwarming! Though as a boy I'm a bit suspicious of Erik. He seems too...cute...to be true. Is he Kaellach's son, or a demon? Are there different clans mixed in together, or are they all part of a clan? In the previous chapter you said they went to the temple, but then they somehow got to a tavern. And you said "the May" =) The argument with Erik was interesting, I can't wait to found out more about him. 

    Commented on: January 30, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Thanks, that's the kind of comment I like most - your thoughts on the story and its characters. There are a couple things I'm curious about though: 1) What do you think of Calvin? and 2) Who is your favorite character?

    It's nice that you noticed how there's some characters whose names sound like Amaatlik. The story has so far been mostly humor-based, but there are some more subtle hints and stuff. I appreciate your interest in the story.

    Commented on: January 29, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Yet another amazing chapter. Pros and cons. You seem to really like commas =) they don't go before words like "that", "which" , and "who". You also called Erik "the little girl" and "she" a few times. The transition from naughty May at the beginning to generous May at the end was a bit strange. I like the characters and their different reactions to May (as well as her reactions to them). Your describing different senses besides sight makes the chapter more vivid. Oh, and a couple things I forgot to say for chapter eight. A couple is two, but you said "a couple of nobles" when you were talking about more than two. And...wait, that's just one thing. Nice chapter.

     

    Commented on: January 28, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    In a galaxy/universe far, far away, where the Europeans discovered America in the Middle Ages, where Native Americans speak Irish and are evil, where princesses make deals with fat priests... At least that's my view of the story. Whether or not it is, I can't help thinking how this feels more like a bestselling, "Now in major motion picture!" book than one you can find online for free. I love Leif and the priest. They definitely aren't your stereotypical warrior and priest. Another informative yet pleasant chapter, too, adding more to the plot. It's pretty funny how May kept talking about the demons and the evil language, even though she was told that doing so brought her bad luck. Good old dramatic irony. I do have some questions. Near the end you mentioned mysterious fog. What's that? I've never heard of someone saying that something is both dusty and dirty. Dust is from not being dusted, dirt is from being outside =)

     

     

    Commented on: January 27, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Wow, this chapter was very interesting! Though I'm slightly confused (I know, I get confused a lot =P ) about why it's called A Crack in the Wall and the concept of the Barrier Stone seems a little vague. How is it in the center of the spell? Did you mean for the advisor to say "it's amazing *how*"? Otherwise your description of the stones is really cool, and so are Royse and his advisor. Their relationship and what they talk about is intriguing. Nice way of introducing characters and setting up the plot.

    Commented on: January 27, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    It's hard to say what would be realistic because we don't know what it's like to be in another world with magic and stuff, but May's thoughts seem very reasonable. She's worrying about returning home without getting decapitated, and thinks about the differences from her own world. She doesn't think about what's on anybody else's mind until the end, presumably because Hilda's behavior changed from annoying to sad. I like that, because it shows her character. May's excitement about reading isn't surprising, given the scene in chapter two. I would like some description of the library though, besides books and scrolls on dusty shelves. The hallways could also use a bit more detail. This might seem stupid, but what color is that stone that makes up the castle? Is it simple or complicated in design, are the corridors straight or curvy, wide or narrow? These are small things, but help immerse the reader in the story. It was good that you had plenty of thoughts and ideas, including some from Hilda to show what she's thinking about. May's decision to look in the library, and then pretend to pray at the temple so that she could find out about the mirror, is very clever. This story gets better the more I read.

    Commented on: January 26, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    This chapter was rather sad and confusing, though it tells a lot about the plot. I like your idea of different clans and how they're related. I assume "the child" is Kaellach's son? It sounds like they're all on the same side but don't get along very well. This chapter definitely raised a lot of curiosity. Well done.

     

    Commented on: January 26, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Thanks a lot for the very insightful comments. About Skylos's POV, there will be other narrations from less important characters. You probably don't want me to tell you whether he appears later in the book, because that could spoil things. As for the confusion and surprises, I was trying to make it so that the reader feels what Michael and Jason are feeling. They don't get how some of the stuff works either, and see things in a sort of childish way. Let me know whether it's working. Please. I'm going to read your book now, I need to catch up. =)

    Commented on: January 26, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Chapter six was just as great as the rest. I think I'll start with the negative things to end on a more positive note.

    In the first paragraph, you talked about how the the castle was a complex, and housed hundreds or thousands of people. I personally didn't get how May could tell how many people lived in it. You might want to say "by the looks of it" or something similar. It's a bit hard to visualize the castle. From what I understand, the castle is really a giant wall and a pyramid-like formation inside, with the upper class on top, barracks on the middle level, and middle class on the bottom. Then on the outside there's the lower class people in the village.

    Secondly, Hilda. In the previous chapter you described her in a way that made me see her as getting old but still pretty. However, in this chapter you called her an old crone. Technically the word "crone" is correct, but it doesn't sound right for a noblewoman.

    Grammar: You don't need commas before "that" and "which". It sometimes helps me to say it out loud if I'm not sure how to say something, but not with an accent because that can make you put commas where you shouldn't.

    I really like the idea of making it a mix of different cultures, not just European, Scandinavian or Oriental but all of them. The castle is also pretty cool. You did a good job of paying attention to detail, describing certain parts of the castle and the villagers. The overall concept makes things really interesting, and you ended the chapter off really well.

    Commented on: January 25, 2014