Soggy French Fries, a Romance story | SparkaTale

Sparkatale

Soggy French Fries

By: Kain Delo

Status: Completed

Summary:

I sat near the window overlooking the docking bay with my soggy fries, hoping to catch a glimpse of his stupid undercut hairstyle that looked stupidly amazing on him. (A short sequel to Muffin Strangers)

Created: February 13, 2017 | Updated: February 17, 2017

Genre : Romance

Language : English

Reviews: 0 | Rating:

Comments: 2

Favorites: 0

Reads: 69


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1: The Only Chapter 1424
Total Wordcount: 1424

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      i r8 8/8 m8 would read ag8n

      February 21, 2017 | David Boyce


    • Chapter: 1 Reply

      Omg a sequel to muffin strangers? Hahahaha.

      Wasn't sure to whether to make this a chapter comment or a book comment since there's only one chapter so I'll leave a book review as well.

      First off: the first sentence has an adverb. Instead of saying "raining lightly" you could say "drizzling" or "showering" or something, and add some more words to make the sentence more interesting. I do like your use of onomatopoeia though.

      "a couple was wearing matching sweatshirts" You described the other sweatshirts, so why not describe what the couple's looked like?

      "Felt" is another one of those words you should avoid in writing (though I admit to using it a lot as well). Show don't tell :P

      "the Edith Stein"

      "I couldn't be bothered to learn . . . so I thought about the owner of the hoodie I was wearing." Maybe it's just me, but I thought this could use a better transition between talking about the class and talking about the hoodie.

      That next two paragraphs are beautiful though :,) But maybe replace the word "while" with "and".

      Ok in general the writing really gets better after the beginning wow

      "the theater geek that claimed" *who

      "Valentine's day. February 14th. The day people . . ." We know what Valentine's Day is lol. Also it should be in present tense.

      "My imagining or our reunion . . ." I'd take out the word "seeing" maybe replace it with "of".

      "We would share . . ." Remove the word "on".

      "But that was just . . ." Getting rid of that first sentence would give a more abrupt feeling, but it's up to you.

      With the sentence where you talk about Adam, replace "here" with "there".

      And...wait, that's it????? Well, I guess that ending was sufficient haha. The thing as a whole was well organized chronologically, and though the first two paragraphs were kinda eh (imo) the rest was great.

      I like how the character isn't perfect. She has her flaws and seems immature, but notices said flaws at the end and then becomes more mature. Somewhat. The little details too, like "Ebay-bought, 'vintage' briefcases" were really nice.

      Is there going to be another sequel? I have to know what happens next haha. Not that a sequel is needed, but the emotion in this chapter was well conveyed, to the point of being almost poetic at some points, so it would be interesting to hear more from this character. (I believe her name's Ellie?)

      February 21, 2017 | David Boyce