Day and Age, a Drama story | SparkaTale

Sparkatale

Day and Age

By: Genevieve Middleton

Status: In Progress

Summary:

After the death of his twin brother, Jake Walker struggles with the idea of going back to school and continuing his life where it left off. But at his lowest moment he meets a strange girl with long white hair, a meeting that will throw him into a world he was previously unaware of. How will he cope with this situation when he can barely manage life as it is? Drama story with supernatural elements.

Created: November 18, 2013 | Updated: July 23, 2015

Genre : Drama

Language : English

Reviews: 0 | Rating:

Comments: 73

Favorites: 10

Reads: 2368


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    • Reply

      I'm starting to get worried about Emma. She's always so tired all the time. That can't be good. Add to that a creepy man staring at her and something tells me she's about to start having some trouble come her way. Glad to see she still loves birds though! :P

      I liked Jake a lot in this chapter. He's utterly clueless when it comes to Emma (and girls in general, really I think) but he's really sweet. I liked his attempt to protect Emma, even if he was just trying to bluff his way out of the situation.

      He also seems to be realizing that he should stop comparing himself to Michael. That's really good for him and a great start on his path to healing and beginning to lead his own life. He needs to realize that he's just as good of a person as Michael was, and he seems to be heading in that direction.

       

      February 22, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


    • Reply

      I think saying he's clueless is a bit generous for him, honestly XD To him, girls are almost like an alien species ;) Thanks for reading! :)

      February 23, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 2 Reply

      That was certainly sad. But me in a dismal mood. Anyways, for a first chapter this did a good job of introducing the main characters and their plight (at least some of it) in a small word count. (Compared to other first chapters I've read around here, that it.)

      The flow is nice and the paragraphs aren't hideously long or unbearably short, they find a nice medium. I actually quite like your writing style! I felt really bad for Jake, he isn't handling this well, but the fact he sees his twin every time he looks in a mirror isn't much better.

      Also, not sure why, but when the mysterious white-haired girl asked him if he liked ducks I laughed. Not sure why, but I did.

      One thing I'm going to nag about here, and it's really small, but he says how he runs to the bridge over the river, then a few paragraphs later mentions how there's no water. So it would be a riverbed, then. Just my griping, but otherwise there's nothing really worth editing or nagging about. Keep up the good work.

      November 19, 2013 | A . Nonymous


    • Reply

      Thanks so much for the comment! Haha it's good you laughed at the duck thing I wanted her to say something completely ridiculous and out of the blue, so I went with the first thing that popped into my head :P

      November 20, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 2 Reply

      I like this story so far. I'm not realy sure were your goining with it but I like that.

       

      As for the weird girl. Im not sure if her character leaves enough of an impretion. Her part dosn't fit with the chapter, and not in a good way that stands out.

      November 20, 2013 | Heather O'toole /Davies


    • Reply

      Thanks for the comment! I'm glad you enjoyed it ^^ Haha I didn't want to make a big deal out of her for this chap, I just wanted her part to be a little quirky diversion :3 I'll try and make her leave more of an impression in future chapters ^^

      November 20, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 3 Reply

       

      Personally after this chapter I'm starting to think the white-haired girl, or Emma, is really just someone obsessed with birds. She asked him about ducks in the first chapter and now she almost has an emotional breakdown because one died- or, she can read thoughts of dying things, but the MC wasn't't dying, so... As of right now I'm kind of drawing a blank on her besides my bird fetish theory.

      The scene between him and the counselor felt really real, and yet again manages to tug at the heart strings. I've been reading too many novels that involve cancer recently- none of them are happy ones. The part where he mentioned how there's always someone to blame really did feel like a trial an everyday person would go through- it's the natural reaction to find someone to put blame upon when something as tragic as losing a sibling happens. So good job there.

      Overall, I'm still not entirely sure what direction the story is taking, but I'm planning on continuing to read along anyways.

      November 25, 2013 | A . Nonymous


    • Reply

      Haha bird fetish XD That is definitely the secret to her weirdness :P But she would've reacted similarly if it had been a dog or a cat,except maybe not quite as dramatically... Thank you for reading!

      November 25, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 2 Reply

      -Just some advice: you used the pronoun “you” when addressing the readers. It’s not a crime, but from what my English teachers have always taught me, a writer should never address the readers directly. So instead of writing: - It had been six weeks since they’d been forced to be here, and most had the spent the summer the way you did when you lived in Perth…. – write it as this: - … and most had spent the summer the way people would when living in Perth… -

      -It’s sad that Jake lost his twin brother; I can’t even imagine the pain he must have been going through, losing his other half. Reminds me of when Fred died in Harry Potter. Also, that white-haired girl reminds me of Luna Lovegood. I take it that some of elements in your first chapter were inspired from Harry Potter, right? If not, well it reminds me anways. xD

      -Nice first chapter. You really added the element of grief well, yet with a hint of humor as well, (the weird girl.) I’m looking forward to seeing how the relationship between Jake and the white-haired girl develops.

      November 28, 2013 | Luna's Child


    • Reply

      Haha thanks for pointing that out, it's a bad habit of mine XD

      It's funny, I showed this story to a friend of mine and she said the exact same thing, that the girl reminded her of Luna. I didn't realize until then, I must have been unconsciously channeling her... XD

      This chapter was actually inspired by one of my favorite animes, Clannad. The way they meet is similar to how the two characters meet in that anime. Except I think it's even weirder in this story, because she just randomly appears for no apparent reason :P

      November 28, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 3 Reply

      -I'm like Jake because I too am a quiet and shy person; I don't like telling people about my problems, not even my own parents. Alas, we find out the strange girl's name: Emma. It seems to suit her oddly enough. Anyways, I enjoyed your story so far, and I encourage you to keep on updating it. :)

      November 28, 2013 | Luna's Child


    • Chapter: 4 Reply

      Cool, this story was finally updated.

      Not much happened in this chapter, which I feel like is kinda the case with this story. Although enough happens to keep the reader reading to the end of the chapter and click to go to the next chapter, there isn't much really enthralling or super- captivating that happened in any chapters. So, basically, not much really happens. But so far you seem to have focused on character development, which isn't bad, but I'd like to see a little more happen, ya know?

      Speaking of character development and fleshing out characters, this chapter did an excellent job of that. We already have a pretty good feel for the MC, Jack, and his actions, beliefs, personality and struggle, but this was good at fleshing out the others, specifically his I'm guessing soon-to-be love interest. She's quite the interesting character.

      Writing still remains excellent, flows smoothly and no visible errors. Keep up the good work! ^^

      December 21, 2013 | A . Nonymous


    • Reply

      Heh, I found this chapter really difficult to write for some reason (I don’t know why, once I actually sat down and started it was easy :P). I’ve been avoiding it for nearly a month XD I’m sorry this story has been a little slow so far, I’ll try and make more happen :D

      December 21, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 2 Reply

      I've only read the first chapter so far, will go on to read the rest, but I thought I'd just comment on each chapter before giving an overall comment on what you have so far.

      I really like your writing style. I would personally get rid of all the contractions in the narrative, because the narrative should be a little more proper, I feel, than the dialogue, and the narrator isn't talking TO the reader, so it's just what I would do, however this is definitely not a major issue. Overall, your writing quality is excellent, and the flow is very good. You really set the tone and keep it consistent; I can feel Jake's depression and his struggle to behave normally for the sake of his loved ones, and I am very aware of that hole in his heart, the absence of a companion that had once been substantially there. You convey emotion very well, and I can really believe in Jake.

      I would add some things in this first chapter. I find adding things to be easier than changing things, and I don't think you need to change things (maybe this wording and that wording, but those are so minor, I'm not even sure I'd worry about them) The thing I feel might be missing that could really add a great deal to your chapter and really set up for the rest of Jake's emotional journey, is if you talk a little more about his brother. Right now, it's all about Jake, Jake missing this brother of his. I don't know this brother though, so I don't really share his grief, you know? We don't even know his name until the end of the chapter, so for most of the chapter Michael's this nameless entity that Jake is missing for some reason. I mean, yes, he's Jake's twin, we're assuming that they're close, but I feel like that's a problem: you're forcing readers to assume. What if Michael's a complete brat? What if he and Jake are like those twins in "Jacob that I Loved" where one of the twins got overlooked and the other one got spoiled? You mentioned in your profile that you'd like to portray twins the way you feel they actually are: individuals with their own hopes and dreams. Were there any aspirations Michael had, that the cancer took from him? What kind of person is Jake missing? What kind of person are all his friends missing? It would be nice to include something as Jake is missing his brother. Maybe in the beginning of the chapter, he is talking to his brother and having some kind of brother and brother scene, and then suddenly he wakes up. For a few seconds, he's at peace, because he thinks things are the way they are before. But then he realizes that it's all a dream, his brother had died a month ago. In a few lines, you show us Michael as he was before, and you emphasize his loss when Jake realizes that in the real world he doesn't have Michael anymore. You can also add a narrative explaining how Michael contributed to the group of friends in the past. Was he the guy that kept cracking terrible jokes that everyone found funny anyway? Was he the reliable bookworm that everyone turned to for support? Was he the kid that everyone took care of because they all felt responsible for him? Just a few lines would give that section more substance than "there were four of us, now there are three".

      Another thing I would add is, presumably the family struggled when Michael was undergoing chemotherapy or whatever cancer treatment he was having. Michael would have been suffering, either from the treatment or from the cancer itself. Depending on how abruptly he died, maybe Jake is still in shock. He can't believe that one moment Michael was alive and making fun of him, and the next moment Michael was diagnosed with cancer, and then following that, Michael is gone, all without giving Jake time to wrap his mind around anything. Or maybe Michael fought a long, hard battle, and Jake feels angry because even after working so hard, trying so hard, it was all in vain. These thoughts would be very prominent in surviving members; it's not just the death and loss itself. When you die from a car accident, it's just the death, because it's so random and there was no time to react. Death from illness is a process, and this process hurts as much as the loss itself. Michael's fight against cancer, whether brief or prolonged, should be at the forefront of Jake's thoughts, easily alongside his memories of before and his struggle to handle his friends right now. I would definitely insert them starting in this chapter (I don't know if you've inserted them in the ones following, but they should be there from the beginning). Not long and winding narratives, but they should pop up once in a while, and it would help to give a quick explanation in the beginning as to what kind of cancer Michael was plagued with, how long he had been treated for, etc.

      Overall, I think your story is very well-written, and I look forward to seeing more. I can't comment on the girl, since she's just weird right now. I mean, I'm curious, but other than that, there's not much to say. I'll leave that for later chapters :)

      January 6, 2014 | Yidenia Jang


    • Reply

      Thanks for commenting! I was actually thinking of either adding a prologue or just adding to the first chapter already, but now you’ve said you’d like to know more about Michael I definitely will :)

      January 6, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 3 Reply

      Cool, I'm seeing more of Michael, though I stand by my opinion that you should have more of him in chapter one. I know you might feel that he's in chapter 2 and that's enough, but I feel that your first chapter is more important than your second chapter, and as an important figure in the book, Michael should have a bigger presence there.

      Otherwise, I like this chapter. I think you continue to portray Jake realistically, and all the people in his life are believable. I have only one thing to point to that had me a little skeptical; that counselor scene felt a little short, I feel for a teenage boy, the counselor should have to work a little harder before Jake starts feeling better, but this is not a major event in your story, so I'm not going to harp on it that much.

      I'm more confused than intrigued about Emma at this point; she kind of devolved from Luna Lovegood to a catatonic. There's a certain vapid quality to her in this chapter, but I'm not sure if that's what you wanted or necessarily a bad thing. Just throwing it out there, just in case.

      Will keep reading :)

      January 6, 2014 | Yidenia Jang


    • Chapter: 4 Reply

      A good chapter as usual, though the confusion about Emma persists. I'm going to pick on her somewhat for this comment, because she's been bothering me a little since the last chapter (disclaimers: this is just my opinion, and I'm not as vehement about it as I'm going to sound later, because I am interested in finding out who she is and I think you are doing a good job of keeping me guessing, I just feel like I need a few more crumbs to really feel invested). I'm getting the sense after reading this chapter that you kept her quiet and mute in the last chapter because she was grieving or anxious about failing to save the bird, but if so, it didn't really come across very well for me, if felt more to me like her head was as silent as her tongue, because all she did was stare, there was no emotion or feeling behind her gaze the way the narrative described her. I know she was crying and and stuff, but the narrative's portrayal of her was a bit choppy to me. Maybe in the last chapter, add some more descriptions? I dunno XD Anyway, about this chapter: the scene with Jake and Emma in the coffee shop didn't seem like it reached its full potential, maybe because I'm a girl and if I were grieving for a lost sibling, a person as tangential as Emma would irritate me more than anything. She says certain things that seem kind of silly; "I think you're lonely", well isn't she a Sherlock? The guy did just lose his twin, the narrative explains that the whole school had held some kind of memorial and was treating him like a china doll. If she's part of the school than she should know about this. I'm not sure she currently is part of the school, but Jake is assuming she is, and even if he has an easy temper, I don't see him being particularly impressed by that bit of deduction, it's not the most intelligent remark for her to make. I'm also not sure I like her statement that loneliness gets easier, that you get used to it. I don't know what the purpose of that statement is, because it doesn't actually sound all that comforting, since it implies that Jake will forever be lonely. The quote's actual meaning is a little shallow, like a platitude. Of course, I might be nitpicking, but to be honest I don't really find Emma particularly attractive so far. There wasn't really anything particularly enticing about her yet, she gives me inconsistent vibes and talks a little like she has disorganized schizophrenia, which is fine, I guess, it's only chapter 3, but I have a hard time believing someone like Jake would be in the mood to put up with her idiosyncrasies when there's nothing about her that seems particularly resonating. I saw in some of the comments that you mentioned you had some difficulty writing this chapter, and other readers have observed that very little has actually happened in terms of plot; it's all setting up so far, and you're doing that very well, but in this chapter, particularly this scene, I think something needs to happen, and what needs to happen is that we should catch a glimpse of Emma underneath her exterior. I think she might need to say something or do something that has a profound meaning to Jake in this chapter, something a little more substantial than "all life is important, that is why I stopped you", because that sounds a little forced to me and not particularly enlightening, plus it's something any dumb stranger would say, not necessarily someone special to Jake, the way you clearly want Emma to be. You can have her being very weird and mysterious throughout the rest of their discourse in this scene, but I think there should be one thing that she says which is is very reflective of the core of who she is and the values she abides by, kind of like a brief window to the real Emma, so Jake and the readers catch a glimpse of her true nature (more profound than just her sounding sharp when she asked Jake 'what difference does it make'; it's great that she apparently has a backbone, but so do I, and I'm nothing like Emma, so it doesn't really show us who she is), before it seals up and she becomes Luna Lovegood again. It would be tantalizing, I think, and would be sort of like letting something glitter in a box and then closing it, so viewers would be like "Oh! Is that a jewel? What was that?" but they're not sure. However, they're hooked now, and they want to know what it is. I don't know. Right now, she's very insubstantial, kind of airheaded. I'm currently not convinced that she doesn't have some sort of mental disability, and I think some kind of clue would be very appropriate in this scene.

      Please don't feel bad, I do want to learn more, because you do a good job of suggesting that there's more to Emma than meets the eye. I just feel that there's a timing to these things, and if you stretch the question marks out for too long, she'll really start looking like someone with mental retardation instead of whatever you want her to be, and I feel that about now is when you should probably toss us a few hints. Maybe even later, I haven't read the next chapter yet, but I think this part is especially good because otherwise nothing really happened at this coffee shop, when something really should; I mean, it is their first date of sorts, so it should be more significant than it is right now.

      Also, really nitpicky this time, but something I forgot to mention in chapter 1: albinos can have blue eyes. In fact, albinos can have dark hair and dark skin, because it's actually defined by the presence of eye disease, not skin, and the thing that doctors look at is a layer within the eye called the retinal pigmented layer, which is what absorbs the light within your eyeball so that they don't reflect back and forth like a room full of mirrors and cause a huge glare. This layer, however, is not the same thing as the iris, which is what gives your eyes their color, plus there are varying degrees of severity in this illness. There are actually a lot of blue-eyed albinos, and even brown-eyed albinos (light brown). I've seen some of them. So Emma could still be an albino. The way you can differentiate is by the fact that she doesn't wear huge, grandma glasses. Albinism is an illness that causes poor vision, and in general albinos have a hard time seeing and reading stuff. If your eyes are fine, you can be as bleached as you want, you're not an albino. If your eyes are reflecting light everywhere, you can be as tan and dark as you want, you're still an albino. It's alright for Jake to believe she isn't an albino just because she didn't have red eyes, but I couldn't resist pointing that out, because the narrative made it sound like you didn't know either. Sorry, really nerdy XD

      Overall, I like where your story is going. I have yet to see any supernatural elements, but no hurry on that count. Will keep reading :)

      January 6, 2014 | Yidenia Jang


    • Reply

      Heh, I must admit I didn’t know that :P I’m studying veterinary medicine at university, but we’ve only really done structure and function so far cos I’ve only just finished my first year. So I don’t know much about diseases and conditions yet :P Oh well, Jake wouldn’t know any better so I’ll keep it the way it is.

      Emma’s line about how loneliness gets easier – It’s kinda hard to explain without giving away spoilers, but essentially she doesn’t really understand that loneliness can be temporary, which is why she tells him that in an effort to comfort him. So that line was supposed to imply that she’s been lonely her whole life, while Jake has never really been lonely until now. As for the supernatural stuff, all in good time :)

      January 6, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 5 Reply

      Okay, good chapter again. I like that Dan's frustrated, and Jake's kind of hanging out with Emma partially to be with company that's more separate from the usual crowd he was with, just so he could escape a little. Emma's still not particularly fascinating yet, her only personality trait is that she's socially awkward without being shy, but it's making sense that Jake would like her company because her personality's so floating, which is a nice balance to his heavy thoughts. The comments I made for earlier chapters I still agree with. There might be some supernatural element with the ginger ale? I'm not convinced because there's nothing particularly outlandish yet. Still, it seems like Jake's relationship with Emma is slowly but surely progressing, and his relationships with his other friends are also changing too. Good work.

      January 6, 2014 | Yidenia Jang


    • Chapter: 2 Reply

      That was really good. You have a great setup and introduction with really revealing back story other than Jake's brother's death. This chapter has that hook, just enough to make me want to keep reading. 

      I'm interested in this mysterious girl as well. That duck line was such a sudden change of pace that for a minute I thought there was a missing paragraph or something. I guess the question now is, does she like ducks?

      Anyway, good work so far. Looking forward to reading more.

      January 9, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


    • Reply

      Thankyou for reading and reviewing! I wanted the bit with the girl to be really random and out of the blue, I hope I succeeded :)

      January 9, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 3 Reply

      I'm really liking this so far. I'm even more intrigued by Emma now than I was before. She's strange, but she seems like she knows a lot more about everything than she's letting on. She also seems really sweet. Her concern for the poor bird, despite being such an insignificant creature, made me really like her. She appears to have a love for life in all its forms.

      I also liked the counseling session. Jake seemed really believable there and I wouldn't mind seeing more of Sarah in the future. I liked her even though she may not play a huge role.

      I did feel that the scene itself was a little short and Jake stating that he felt better after only one short session felt a little off, but otherwise that's my only nitpick. Still, the scene was excellently written and it actually made me sad.

      January 14, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


    • Reply

      When he says he “feels a little better”, it’s more referring to how he feels like a load is off his chest after talking about it with her. So it’s more like a temporary feeling of peace, as opposed to him actually feeling better about brother’s death, because obviously it's gonna take more than one session to help him with that :P That’s more what I was going for, but I guess it probably isn’t that clear. I’ll definitely reword it :P Thank you for commenting :)

      January 14, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 6 Reply

      Okay, so I broke down and read the last few chapters in one sitting. I was trying to pace myself, but finally said screw it and finished it up. I shouldn't have because now I'm sitting on a cliffhanger that has me very interested indeed.

      I'm wondering what Emma did to Jake, because it seems clear that she had something to do with him fainting. I have a whole list of ideas as to what the short 'dream' could have been but I'll spare you having to read that and just wait to find out if I'm completely wrong.

      I'm also intrigued by Emma's interest in drinks. Her reaction when the shop didn't have her mint chocolate milk seemed like more than simple disappointment. And her getting the ginger beer seemingly by magic was interesting. Is there, perhaps, a magical quality to the ginger beer? Or was it really ginger beer at all? Maybe a drink from... wherever it is that Emma's from that she knew would help him? Ugh... now I'm rambling. Anyway, good work. Looking forward to your next update! 

       

      January 20, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


    • Reply

      Well, I think what Emma did is pretty obvious from his recollection of the events, so what you’re thinking is probably correct :P Thanks for reading!

      January 20, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 7 Reply

      Aha! My guess was right, even if as you say it was rather obvious.

      I liked the interaction between Jake and his mother in this chapter. It seemed very real, very genuine that she would react, or perhaps overreact, to even the slightest sign of sickness in Jake, considering what happened to Michael. Good work there.

      I felt bad for Emma when she said Jake was the only friend she ever had. Poor girl... kind of makes you want to give her a hug :P Anyway, nice work. Looking forward to learning more about Emma, because I don't have the slightest clue of what she could be.

      January 28, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


    • Reply

      I’m glad you found his mum’s reaction realistic :D That was one of my main aims for this chapter and the story in general, to make the characters reactions to things as believable as possible, so it makes me happy that you think it was realistic :D

      January 29, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 8 Reply

      Good chapter. I liked the way you described Jake's memories as a long corridor with locked doors. That was a really interesting way to visualize a person's memories.

      I really thought we were going to learn much more about Emma in this chapter since Jake was beginning to see that she wasn't just a normal girl, but nope :P She goes and wipes his memory! It's good writing, of course Never reveal your secrets too early, but we were so close it seemed! Ah well, it keeps me coming back for more!

      January 31, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


    • Chapter: 1 Reply

      My first impressions: everything progressed really fast, the pacing was really fast and some details were vague because of that (what was the diagnosis), but I liked the sudden turn of events. I'm not a person who's into drama books, but the first chapter awoke my interest - I wonder how will the situation develop. Will the hero of the book be legless? Or will he die, leaving his brother? (I don't remember the summary). Overall, the prolog wasn't boring and was quite nice!

      Another thing I liked, was that there wasn't a single redundant paragraph. Each of them was spiked with info about the plot or the character development.

      The characters got flashed out pretty well considering that it was done in only one chapter - I'm able to distinguish the twins by their own character traits, they're not bland. I liked how you mentioned Jake's shyness through bringing up the dating issue and the suspicions of gayness. Michael's plans for the future, hopes and dreams helped me relate to him quickly. Honestly, I'm impressed that you managed to introduce the characters properly in such a short time.

      February 10, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


    • Reply

      Ah, I forgot to mention his diagnosis! Geez, that’s a fail XD It’s mentioned in the other chapters, but I should definitely add it into this one XD He has bone cancer.

      Anyway, this story is not a straight up drama story, it’s actually got a bit of supernatural/mystery thrown in (probably not in the way you expect though after reading the prologue) XD But I thought drama was a better reflection of the plot as a whole, so I labelled it as that instead of supernatural.

      Thanks so much for reviewing! :D :D

      February 10, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 2 Reply

      Interesting!

      I feel that your portrayal of Jake's grief is good. I got the sense of loss Jake is going through. I liked that Jake didn't ramble on his internal pain for too long - it would make the chapter boring (but it was perfect).

      I almost wish that Jake were dead instead of Michael. Michael was a confident, likeable one whereas Jake seemed... weak. He was described as a shy and vulnerable person. I wasn't sympathizing with him, I felt only pity. However, it's great since you have the endless possibilities how to develop the character who's almost on ameba level at the beginning. If his adventures make him a courageous, confident man, his transformation would be twice as profound than if it happened to his brother.

      The mysterious girl intrigued me. Her appearance was brief, but long enough to leave a good impression and questions in my head. I guess she's not a human - otherwise she would have died after jumping off that fence. Her questions about the ducks were odd. I can't wait to find out who she is. Or rather what she is.

      February 11, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


    • Reply

      It’s actually a good thing you wish Jake had died instead of Michael, because that’s how he feels himself ;) As for the girl, well, she jumped off the fence towards Jake, not away from him, meaning she jumped onto the bridge. So it’s not that much of a feat XD

      February 11, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 3 Reply

      I liked how Jake was coping with Michael's death. I found dying hair and scratching his face much more entertaining than crying in the corner. It must have been hard for him to see a reflection so alike to his brother in the mirror. Poor guy. His parents seemed to me not really supportive (I guess they are depressed by the loss of their child) and were quite dry to Jake when they saw his dyed hair.

      So the girl's name is Emma. In this chapter I had an impression that she may be a socially awkward and not talkative human. Maybe is a being that has a mission of some sorts, like saving poor, tortured souls like Jake ;-)

      February 11, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


    • Reply

      Heh, his parents are more supportive later. At the moment they’re just kind of unsure what to say to him :P

      February 11, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 9 Reply

      Good chapter again. It was really sad that no one acknowledged Jake's birthday. It's understandable, given the circumstances and Jake obviously didn't want to think about it anyway, but still very sad.

      I loved Dan in this chapter. The way he attempts to encourage Jake to pursue Emma, despite Jake's embarrassment, was really good.

      It was good to see a little of Emma's home life and meet her foster family. Like Jake, I'm wondering why she was fostered and additionally I'm wondering just how much they know about Emma and what she can do.

      The introduction of Hannah as Emma's foster sister I especially liked. Hannah seems to be the polar opposite of Emma in that she's very forward and talkative, whereas Emma is shy and socially awkward. There's a really great contrast with these two characters. Keep up the good work! :D

       

      February 11, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


    • Reply

      Heh, Jake’s the kind of guy who needs someone to push him cos he’ll never do anything about it on his own ;) I’m glad you like Hannah. She’s a fun character to write, although I feel a bit sorry for her XD

      February 11, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 4 Reply

      You seem to handle writing about the emotions very well. Jake's inner turmoil is completely believable for me. It isn't exaggerated to the point I would roll my eyes (like I did when I watched an excellent comedy about sparkling vampires) and not omitted - that would make Jake look like a person with a serious personality disorder. The way he grieves is optimal.

      Emma is surely a weird person and something tells me that her place of origin may not be on earth (or it may be Russia - it's the place that defies all logic). I'd like to know more of them, as the hints you drop so far are very tiny. So... I think she's a guardian of life or something like that. Maybe she'll team up with Jake and they shall become like Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask... All right, I'm getting carried away, so I'll just read the next chapter.

      February 12, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


    • Chapter: 5 Reply

      Wow, that was a divine trick, Emma performed, and a very useful one. It's a bit funny how the first magical trick was creating ginger beer. It's a power all university students would like to possess ;-)

      Anyway, I found a clue! At least, I hope it's a valid clue. When Emma was talking about Bridget, she hesitated before saying that she's her mother. Therefore, Bridget isn't her real mother - she's only her guardian (like vampires need some old guy to do the chores during the day). My newest theory is that Emma is an angel - it would fit the "magical, saving life creature".

      February 12, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


    • Reply

      Well, although she could create real beer and make university students everywhere her best friends, ginger beer isn’t actually real beer :P It’s a fizzy drink, but us Australians like to pretend we’re drinking beer when we’re not so that’s what we call it (I think another word is ginger ale). Otherwise she could get Jake into serious trouble for drinking at a school event XD

      Thanks for the comment! :)

      February 12, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Reply

      Alcohol-free beer? What a bummer. You see, I come from a country where you drink vodka on proms (of course in secret from the teachers, but I know that they drink their own vodka in secret from students) ;-) Emma would have to learn new tricks, I guess.

      February 12, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


    • Reply

      Haha they're really really strict about that over here. At my school ball the teachers actually had breathalisers (I have no idea how to spell that XD) and used them on anyone who looked the slightest bit tipsy. But hey, that's what the after parties are for (not for me, though. I was too nerdy XD)

      February 13, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 6 Reply

      More paranormal situations. To be honest, right now I have no theories to share. Emma seems to be a versatile sorceress - beer summoning, body-switching... there are a lot of possibilities. I can't wait until Jake figures out who exactly is she.

      What confused me a little, are the time skips you're making without any warning. In the previous chapter Emma came to qive the money back, as though the plot from the chapter before was continuing, but all of a sudden it turned out that she and Jake met multiple times. The time skip in this chapter was a little baffling too.

       

      February 12, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


    • Reply

      Heh, I should have been clearer with my time skips. Between chapter 3 and chapter 4 there was a time skip of about a month. So they met a few times in the month that past. But I was lazy and didn’t mention it like I should have, aside from a few hints when they were talking about the money :3 Then in between this chapter and the last there was a few days.

      February 12, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 7 Reply

      Great! Finally, there's a bigger development in the magical department, although I'm still at loss who or what Emma is. I feel that the next chapter will shed some more light on this matter.

      The part of the chapter until Emma visited was a bit unentertaining for me - I found it too gloomy, depressing and filled with to much drama for my taste (I'm not a fan of drama and romantic comedies, I have a bit of a boyish taste in literature and cinematography). After Emma appeared color filled the story and it suddenly began much more appealing. When Emma said that the white streak in Jake's hair is the proof that he'll die, I gasped. The talk between them was quite disturbing. I'm not entirely sure how Emma wants to fix her mistake (by talking to Jake in his head), but I'll be patient and just read the next chapter.

      February 12, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


    • Chapter: 8 Reply

      First all, Jake's parents. They're redeemed in my eyes. My first impression of them was rather poor - I thought they were expressing not enough love toward Jake, they were dry. However, in this chapter and the previous one, they acted like normal, loving parents would. Jake's dad came to wake him up when he had a nightmare, mother was worried sick when Jake got fever. The hospital scene only confirmed that the relationship between Jake and his parents is healthy and positive.

      The part with Jake visiting his memories was bizarre, but I suspect that it would be an excellent therapy for him. I'm sure that he'll be back in that corridor soon.

      Emma is still an enigma - how did she get her powers? is she really a young girl? She mentioned before that first the hair go white, then eyes tun blue and you die. It's pretty obvious that Emma is already past stage two what means that her body is reaching its expiration date. I wonder if it's her first body - she has the power to switch bodies at will, right? She may inhabit bodies like a parasite? Hmm... Whatever you do, don't give me spoilers.

      February 12, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


    • Reply

      At the beginning I figured his parents were a little at loss as to what to say to him (especially as they were dealing with their own grief as well), but they do truly care about him a lot. I have to say, that thing with the memories was probably one of the strangest things I’ve ever written :P As for Emma, you'll just have to wait and see ;)

      February 12, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 9 Reply

      It looks like I may be right that Emma's body is expiring. I'm glad that I guessed that Bridget isn't her real mother - I caught the hint you threw.

      Jake is a bit annoying with his constant bickering how awesome Michael was in comparison to himself, but that's the important core of his insecurity. I noticed that slowly, he discovers how to lead his life on his own, without his brother's support - hopefully he'll gain some more confidence in the future.

      Now my impressions of all the chapters I've read so far. First, I warn you that the drama stories are not my thing. I prefer epic fantasy or books set in medieval times (swords and blood) to the ones that transpire in the modern world.

      I can't help but compare this book to "Gifted" - and "Gifted" wins for me. The pacing in "Day and Age" is slow and in some places my enthusiasm for reading diminished. I suppose it's because the story is character-orientated instead of set on the plot. There is a lot of inner turmoil going on and this is not my thing, so my complaining may be not objective. I felt the spike of tension only once - when Emma told Jake he's dying. I guess the suspect isn't brought out enough.

      As for the characters and your portrayal of emotions, even though I'm not fully into it, I'm impressed. You've made Jake thoughts and behavior believable. The hero of the story is definitely no piece of cardboard. I hope that he'll experience a spiritual journey and will be able to grab hold of his own life. I'll wait for the next chapters eagerly.

      February 12, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


    • Reply

      Haha, honestly he is very annoying :P Like in this chapter, he’s complaining how Michael is better looking than him. Sure, charm and demeanour do factor in, but dude, you’re identical twins XD There can’t be that much of a difference between you, seriously. It's the same thing when he says that he's not the sort of guy girls like (while Michael apparently was) and then this girl is fawning over him in this chapter. So yeah, his insecurities are pretty irrational, that's what I wanted to show in this chapter :P

      Thanks for all the comments! :)

      February 12, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 10 Reply

      I wonder if the issue with the predatory man will be important later in the story (I suspect that it will be).

      Sarah told Jake an important and very obvious thing - I wish he would stop comparing himself to Michael at last and start living his own life. I know it's a very cruel thing to say, but I think that Michael's death may be a good thing for Jake - he has a chance to free himself from the shadow of his "better" brother. Actually, I noticed progress already. Jake managed to think of a character trait that was better than Michael's and that's a start.

      I noticed difference in Jake's behavior. He seems to have a proper friendly relationship with Dan now. He seems to be less shy and more sociable too.

      As for Emma, I sense some awkward romance on the horizon...

      February 22, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


    • Reply

      Jake is definitely much less shy than he used to be ;) He’s beginning to evolve from being “shy to everyone” to only “shy to everyone he doesn’t know” :P

      February 23, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 1 Reply

      I only managed to read the prologue tonight. I'll be doing chapter-by-chapter comments as I go along. ;)

      I chose this one because I love sibling-centric stories, and this had an interesting premise. I'm curious to meet the the white haired girl mentioned in your summary as well as see what supernatural elements will come to play.

      Now, coming into this, I was a little confused. The prologue is set up like we're following Michael's story and not Jake's. I know we're only highlighting what happened to Michael, but I don't feel I've connected to Jake at all at this point. He's put on the backburner. I don't even know what's going through his head upon discovering his brother has cancer. But since Michael is the sole focus of this chapter, I have to wonder if we're really seeing the last of him. Since I've gotten such a close glimpse of his character, I'm bummed to have to leave him. He seems to care a great deal about Jake, and I like that. I look forward to getting to know Jake a little bit better, though.

      March 9, 2014 | Leigha David


    • Reply

      Originally when I wrote this story there was no prologue. I added it in specifically because people commented that there wasn’t enough about Michael. I was going to write it from Jake’s POV, but the rest of the story is from Jake’s so I thought why not write it from his brother’s POV? XD So yeah, Jake isn’t really the focus of this chapter… He will be in the future though, I promise :) Thanks for commenting!

      March 10, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 1 Reply

      It's funny how almost all your characters are boys, even though you're a girl =V Oh well, I'm sure it will even out with that white-haired girl and others. I highly respect how you're writing a story with main characters of the opposite gender. Like I said, Hunting Amaatlik used to be basically all guy characters. Anyway, sorry for rambling =P

      There were several places where you said Michael instead of Sadie =P Just kidding. Hmm, this story also had a sixteen-year-old character named Michael. Makes me wonder...Sorry. As I wasn't saying, Michael is obviously a role model or something for Jake. I'm guessing that he isn't the most social person, but way more so than his brother. However, the way he and Jake were singularized (is that a word?) as "the twins" I'm guessing they have a lot in common. Their appearance(s) for one thing. Something I would like to know about. What do they look like?

      Jake seems like a weak, useless person. And I shouldn't be saying that because I can definitely relate to him. What are his strengths? I know this is how you showed his reliance on Michael, but as far as I know there isn't much reason for them to be so close. Michael does so much for Jake, and all Jake does for him is be annoying. Sorry if I seem judgemental, that's just the way it seems. I expect to see more of Jake's good qualities, hopefully he'll be more useful.

      I don't mean to be rude when I say this, but it was awkward to me when the two boys hugged, held hands, and cried. Sorry for relating to myself, but *cough* I'm not gay or anything, but I'm not particularly manly, and even I wouldn't do any of that to my twin brother (yes, I have a twin brother). We hug, but not other guys, and we cry but not near other people. Though it's hard to say what I would do in such a horrible situation...probably try easing the pain by talking about random things, like the stories we're writing or some crazy TV show. Other than that he seems pretty realistic though.

      The pace was pretty fast, which was good because of the tension and the fact that it's a prolog. It was kind of like a memory of Michael's. It was made suspenseful partly due to the foreshadowing when we learned that Michael had an aching leg, and knew that he's going to die eventually. And the emotion was good too. The fact that Jake depends on Michael makes it sadder and more complicated, as well as Michael knowing that he would have prevented it easily if he had told someone about the pain.

      Just because I'm a humor writer doesn't mean I can't enjoy a story like this. I'm liking it already; it's well-written and the plot is attention-getting. Sorry I haven't gotten to it sooner. If you would like me to review it I plan to do so once a day, if not then at least a few chapters per week.

      July 2, 2014 | David Boyce


    • Reply

      I’m sorry if I offended you by saying you might not like it. I just say that when people want to read this story because I know a lot of people who don’t like depressing drama stuff, and I don’t want people to feel obligated to read it. Anyway, feel free to review at any pace you like :) I’m still the one who’s behind, so there’s no rush or anything.

      I don’t think it’s that weird that they hugged and stuff, although I probably was a bit excessive :P But I tend to be excessive about drama in general, no matter whether the characters are boys or girls. Anyway, Michael did just find out he had cancer, so I don’t think it’s that weird that they’d hug and cry (holding hands was over the top though)…  I actually have a lot of guy friends (and most of them aren’t gay) who hug each other. They hug each other more than I hug my girl friends :P But, even in saying that, please let me know if the characters (particularly Jake) are too girly. I mean, he’s not supposed to be the manliest guy in the world, but I probably step over the line at times.

      As for their appearances, that is given in chapter one. I wrote this prologue after I wrote the first chapter, and so I didn’t describe them because it’s in the next one :P They are identical twins, which is why they’re singularised (my spellcheck says that's a word) by the school.

      July 2, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 2 Reply

      Yes! Jake has more characterization than in the last chapter! I understand that the focus was on Michael then, and now it's on Jake. Anyway, now I have a pretty good grip of all the main characters. Unless that term also applies to the girl and others. I wonder who the girl is. Maybe she's Michael's ghost, or a guardian angel or something.

      I understand if some boys hug each other and stuff. Maybe I'm just a cruel, heartless fiend who has no sense of affection. I don't want to be niggly about things that I find strange about Jake, or things that make him seem "girly." I can't relate to the situation he's in.

      [a few hours later] I can't think of anything to complain about, except for one thing: The story is original, and I can assume it will get to be more so. It's just that a lot was expected, like him not being able to keep his emotions in, almost committing suicide, and being stopped by Dan. I don't know, it might just be me, but I think the story could benefit from more surprising events that make the reader do a double take and wonder if they read it write.

      Overall I really liked this chapter. The beginning and end were particularly done well, because of how you worded it. I like how he has different thoughts, like being peaceful in the morning, then shocked when he thinks he sees his brother, then upset, and depressed, and angry, etc. because this way he isn't monotonous. The whole time I was wondering whether he was going to break, even though I knew he was going to eventually.

      I was a bit confused about some things, but that's because of the different culture. It confused me that summer ends in February there, and Jake saying canteen instead of cafeteria (that's a cafeteria, right?). Do you think there's anything I need to know to better understand the story?

      Hmm...I was discussing this with someone else and it made me curious, did you use the five stages of grief in your story? I don't know how realistic Jake's actions are on terms of his reactions to Michael's death, I was just wondering.

      I wonder what Jake's going to do in the future. He promised he wouldn't try jumping, so I assume that's out of the question. I guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out, and I look forward to doing so!

      July 4, 2014 | David Boyce


    • Reply

      A canteen isn’t actually the same as a cafeteria, most schools don’t have an equivalent of a cafeteria. At least, mine didn’t :P. It’s similar and you can buy food from there, but there’s no tables or anything. In Australian schools we eat outside, as it almost never rains (at least, in Perth it doesn’t), and most people bring their lunch from home. The only thing I think that you do need to know is the types of subjects you can do. There’s TEE subjects, which are done by students aiming to get into university, and non-TEE subjects, which are done by students who want to do apprenticeships, or  go to TAFE (I don’t know what the equivalent of that is in America), and that sort of thing.

      No, I don’t use the five stages of grief. Mostly because they’re  I think they're too generalised – I’ve read a lot of biographies and stuff about grief (don’t judge me, I find psychology interesting :P) and almost all of them bash the five stages of grief, saying they’re inaccurate because grief and how it happens varies from person to person. I think they are good as a basic model, but I haven’t ever deliberately referenced them when writing this story. Most people who’ve commented on this say they find Jake’s reaction realistic, so hopefully it’s okay.

      I understand what you mean about the expectedness (it's a word now) of this story :P The first three chapters or so are pretty generic. It gets a bit weirder after chapter four, so I hope there’ll be more unexpected events after that :P

      July 4, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 3 Reply

      After reading this chapter, my mind was literally blown. Yes, literally. You must really find psychology interesting if you could come up with someone as brilliant as Sarah. This chapter definitely had a lot less expectedness than the previous two, and I really enjoyed reading it.

      I noticed some similarities between this story and Gifted. Jake sort of has the appearance of Carey, with the tan skin and brown hair, but I see him as being tied personality-wise to 256. Sarah could represent 805. Both Jake and 256 talked about how they didn't want to forget, 256 not wanting to forget about Carey. Sarah and 805 told the teens in their respective stories that they weren't supposed to forget. Interesting.

      Unfortunately I do have more negative things to talk about, but they aren't all necessarily bad things. One is something I don't get. In the beginning when Jake put the bandage on his face, you talked about him not wanting his parents to see that he was scratching himself. How would they not notice when they saw the bandage, or would they think he got injured in some other way?

      Fine, I'll admit it. I have problems with Jake's "mum." Two in fact. First of all, it should only be capitalized if you can replace "mum" with her actual name. Let's say that her name is Bob. You wouldn't say "his Mum" but rather "his mum" because you wouldn't say "his Bob." Also, this might be a personal thing, but I wouldn't say mum/mom in formal writing.

      It's a bit thought-provoking that Emily and Emma have such similar names. I figure Emily won't be mentioned again, though it was still slightly confusing.

      Speaking of Emma, the fact that she doesn't speak often makes me wonder what her voice is like. It's a little thing, but I thought I would say that.

      Everybody in this story is SO FREAKING NICE is a mean person too much to ask for? Someone to add to the drama? It might be me, and maybe there's a bad person somewhere (like a protagonist). I'm just saying. Sorry if I sounded harsh.

      Ha ha, so far in every other paragraph there has been exactly one swear word. I don't know what you have going on there, or whether you remember. Also, there was a time where you combined two paragraphs.

      But as I said, you must have put a lot of thought and research into this, especially the dialog. And Jake's actions are really specific. His question was so interesting, when he asked Sarah about who to blame. It was a nice detail that she couldn't answer, and I like how she told him that. She's a nice lady.

      If what you said is true, and people react to grief in different ways (I'm no psychology expert), then I don't think I can say whether he and the other boys are acting realistically, but so far no concerns there.

      Besides being Michael or an angel, I'm thinking that Emma is either a ghost or a bird person. A ghost because she tried stopping both Jake and the magpie from dying, is almost albino, and acts mysteriously. A bird person because she was deeply concerned for the magpie and likes ducks, also because she seems shy. Unless, similar to Jake, she just likes animals, and the only animals in Perth are ducks and magpies. But then there's also the fact that she wore the school uniform and had a backpack and musical instrument.

      Gosh, sorry for saying so much. I'll shut up. G'day =P

      July 6, 2014 | David Boyce


    • Reply

      Thanks for the comment! :) About the thing with the bandage, he already had scratches on his face from before, but he didn’t want his parents to know that he reopened them. So when they see the bandage they will think it is for the old scratches, and therefore he covers up the fact that he scratched himself again. It won’t work for that long, but that’s why he does it :P

      As for the niceness of people, well… A lot of people (like Dan and Jake’s parents) are kind of tiptoeing around him at the moment. There isn’t exactly any outright mean people in this story (well, there are, but not for a while) but a few characters have their moments quite soon. I don’t know whether that’s enough or not :P And you’re not too harsh. Although I’m not sure what you mean about swear words lol. I checked it over and I couldn’t find any, aside from Michael swearing in the prologue.

      G’Day! I feel like such a stereotypical person saying that :P

      July 7, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 4 Reply

      Emma's a bit of an odd ball. I think I can relate to her the most =P No, she's strange in a good way. Her back story is highly anticipated. Maybe she lost someone, like Jake, because she's lonely and thinks all life is important. I wonder if she's tied to Jake somehow, and is her whiteness signifies something. Is she human? Also the way she held the milk box (ew, mint-chocolate milk?) was interesting. I'm assuming she kept it because it symbolizes her coffee date with Jake and is like a memento. I like how she was standing on the steps, and everybody else was trying to get around her.

      What did Jake mean when he told Michael's ghost that he only makes things worse, talking about social situations? I mean, he made his friend smile out of gladness. I might have missed something there.

      Jake thanked Emma a lot, I don't know whether that was intentional. He must be really grateful for her and her actions. But he was still toying with the idea of suicide, as shown before she asked him if he was lonely.

      Like in Gifted, the thought processes and all the psychology going on is fascinating. I really enjoy reading Jake's thoughts as the way he reacts to the world around him and his brother's death is compelling. If anything they seem a bit scattered at times, like at the end, when you talk about multiple things at once like how he was lonely, and Emma was also, and he enjoyed being with her. Sorry if I'm not making sense.

      I can't wait to see what happens next. I'm assuming this story is called Day and Age for a reason. Perchance time travel is involved. But that's more sci-fi than supernatural, so maybe it's just about time. Eh.

      Emma was looking at the Swan River. Swan's are birds (no kidding), like magpies and ducks. I'm even more convinced that Emma has something to do with birds.

      July 8, 2014 | David Boyce


    • Reply

      Jake thinks he makes everything worse in social situations, and although he isn’t the most charismatic of bunnies he isn’t that bad, like in this chapter when he managed to make Dan and Emma happier. When he says things like that it’s supposed to show his low self-esteem.

      This is kind of embarrassing to admit, but I actually got the title of this story from the name of an album by my favourite band :P I’m really bad at coming up with titles. Gifted was supposed to be a temporary title, but I grew to like it so I never ended up changing it :P Same with this story – I was struggling to think of a name, and I was listening to the band at the time. So then I thought, what about Day and Age? That fits. I was going to change it, but I never got round to it… xD

      July 9, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 5 Reply

      It was nice to get a taste of Jake's awkwardness. Up until now, we only knew because Jake and Michael thought about it, but in this chapter it was shown through his interactions with Sarah, Dan, and Emma. I felt for him when that happened, when he felt angry at Sarah, guilty for yelling at Dan, and awkward when staring at Emma and having those weird conversations. I also can't help feeling sorry for him, because he's starting to be separated from those he loves. Though he doesn't love Emma (yet) so maybe they aren't splitting apart.

      Jake told Sarah that Michael wasn't "anything of those things." Was that him being awkward or is it a typo?

      I was wondering why you didn't say the name of the drink that Jake and Emma were talking about. Ginger beer, right? It seemed strange, but was there a reason for it? Also how the cafes (I'm too lazy to put in the accent for the e) don't have names. Not necessary, and you don't want to sidetrack, but it might be a nice detail.

      Something else was how Jake had that conversation in his head, and it was in italics, but you wrote it like you normally would. I don't know if that's how it should be written, but it was weird to me.

      Lastly, Jake was confused several times in this chapter. It shows something about his personality, but you could use other words like puzzled or not understanding.

      I talked about how there's no mean people, but maybe that person is Jake. Great plot twist! Well, he was kind of unintentionally mean when he yelled at Sarah and acted self-absorbed about missing Michael even though everybody else felt the same pain. He thought that nobody else cared about losing Michael, like his parents at the wedding and their friends at the party. It's cool that the protagonist isn't a completely great person, because he has room to grow. It's been almost three months since he lost Michael. That was nicely revealed when Emma talked about how they had been out multiple times. And when Dan said it at the ball.

      You also conveyed Jake's personality well through his losing weight and cutting his wrists. I realized that cutting his face is like him cutting Michael's face because they look so much alike, and hating his own appearance is like hating Michael's appearance. Maybe that's another reason he changed to his wrists.

      It feels like Jake and we are going to find out Emma's story any second now. She, like, teleported to that cafe (again too lazy) to get that ginger beer. I wonder if she's embarrassed by her powers, because of the way she acted. Also, if she likes the color white, and if she's related to birds, I wonder if she has white poop. Sorry, that was probably inappropriate.

      There was no swearing in this chapter, breaking the rule of one word per every other chapter. That isn't very fluent so maybe you should make someone swear in this chapter. It could be Sarah, swearing as Jake leaves her room.

      Sorry for babbling. One last thing: Shall I comment daily or every other day?

      July 10, 2014 | David Boyce


    • Reply

      You do find out some stuff about her quite soon, but there’s still a lot more that won’t be revealed for some time :P

      As for things like the names of cafés (huh, my computer does it automatically) Jake isn’t really paying attention to what they’re called when he chooses them, because he only cares that no one he knows is there :P Although, I don’t know why I didn’t say what the drink was originally. That’s a bit odd.

      And  I can’t say I’ve ever given much thought to the colour of Emma’s poop :P Or anyone else’s xD

      Anyway, I don’t mind how often you review. This story is on hiatus at the moment (I’ll get back to it at some point, but right now I’m more focussed on rewriting Gifted and writing the sequel), so there’s no rush or anything. Sorry for being unhelpful :P

      July 11, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 6 Reply

      After reading this chapter I was like, wow. This is awesome. Especially the end. It was very dramatic and a lot more original than the beginning. I love it. Oops, sorry, I forgot you don't like short sentences.

      Anyway (two of us say that word too much), the part with Jake's dud (mom=mum, dad=dud) was interesting. It added a little depth and character to the story. I thought that, in the paragraph where you talked about him could be a bit better though, maybe with a better transition between Jake going to the bathroom and and saying that the dud was always a rather jovial man. I feel picky saying this, and I likely am just being picky because his loss of joviality (holy fish, that's a word???) was due to the seriousness of the situation. But it might seem more fluent if you said something like, "Before Michael died, his father was always a rather jovial man..." Sorry for talking too much.

      One more thing: Emma is dreamy a lot. That and she does things dreamily. I know that's what Jake said to himself, and I'm not trying to plagiarize his thoughts or anything, but you use those two words a lot. Is that intentional? Seriously, I guess you could be suggesting that she has something to do with dreams. Maybe Emma isn't real or something, and those who felt the loss of Michael are experiencing some sort of...yeah. That and there's no synonyms of "dreamily" on thesaurus.com, and the synonyms for "dreamy" are pretty weird.

      Sorry for rambling, ugh. When Jake had that dream at the beginning, it reminded me of how Sarah asked in the previous chapter about Michael's bad qualities. Michael seemed a little mean in the dream, pushing away from Jake and calling him stupid. Maybe Jake thought of him as perfect before he died, but afterwards he felt like Michael left him, or could have done more to prevent his own death, and started to see the darker side of his brother. I don't know if that's right, but it's so...deep. I feel sorry for Jake if he has to see his brother that way. I like how you focus on Jake, and give us peeps at the feelings of other characters but only small ones. It's much more easy to read about a single main character at a time when there's so much emotion.

      I was confused when Jake left his bag outside before going into the library. Why? Did you have to do that at your school? Wouldn't the bags (backpacks?) get stolen? Also, why do a lot of people write, for example, P.E without a second dot at the end of the E? Sorry for asking so many questions, I'm just wondering. 

      But I digress. So, Emma and Jake switched bodies? Then Emma could be any random person. Maybe Emma isn't really anybody, but a body that multiple people occupy. Like Michael. In the dream, Jake was like, "I thought you were dead!" and Michael was like, "No. Why would I be dead?" Of course that doesn't completely make sense because her personality is different.

      I'm trying to think about what else Emma could be *gears turning* I haven't guessed that she's an alien. I don't know...

      Okay, one last thing and I'll shut up. Sorry for talking so much. Do you want me to comment on the edited version of Gifted or something? I was going to read it again anyway. Just wondering.

      July 12, 2014 | David Boyce


    • Reply

      Thanks for the comment. I’m glad you liked the bit with Jake’s, er, dud :P You’re not being picky, I should definitely rephrase that bit. And the dreamy stuff too :P I’ll find something else to say.

      Hehe, I should put a full stop after the E, but I always forget, and my computer doesn’t autocorrect it for me :P We did have to leave our bags outside, because they didn’t want us to steal stuff in there :P You’re supposed to take your valuables with you when you leave your backpack outside. Then all there is to steal is school books :P They also have security cameras. But things still get stolen. My sister once left her wallet in her bag and it was stolen and dumped in a bin (but they found it).

      And no, it’s okay. You already commented on all of the chapters of the first one, plus you’re reading this one too, and I don’t want it to take up too much of your time :) I’m probably going to post up the sequel sometime this week anyway, as I’m not making any major plot point changes. I was going to wait until I’d rewritten more, but I got bored :P

      July 13, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 7 Reply

      Whaaaaaaaa??? This chapter was so weird! In a good way. So...yeah, I'm starting to see the supernatural part. Don't think I can relate to Emma anymore XD That was a joke by the way, I don't relate to her.

      It's weird, Emma is obviously supernatural. I think Jake (Have I called him Jason before? Sorry if I did.) ahem Jake and Dan are too, because they teleported to the nurse's office. It's a little thing, but I find it strange when you don't mention people changing location, even though it's obvious. Sorry if that's picky.

      This is also picky, but something that's a bit overused (in my humble opinion) by many authors: people clutching things so hard that their fingers turn white, as Jake's moum with the steering wheel. I can't say I haven't done that myself, but thought I would point that out.

      The doctor dude had his title written out as "Dr" without the dot. I don't know if that's a typo or if some people write it out like that. Also, someone once said to not ever use bolded text except with a title, like with Emma's thoughts in Jake's mind. Wait! I know, it's hard to tell who's thought is who's in such a case. But I personally felt that it was easy to tell given what they said. Jake wouldn't tell Emma to calm down, or apologize for letting Emma do whatever she was doing.

      One last niggling. This story isn't very realistic. If it takes place in Australia, wouldn't they be speaking Australian instead of English? =V

      I'm not going to go into great detail as to why I like this chapter so much. It's mainly how it's realism and pays attention to detail but is very original. (It's getting more and more original every chapter.) I like how you pay attention to things like Jake's loss of weight, and his thoughts are natural. It's also very dramatic and tense. The way Jake's sweat was "dripping from every pore of his body" and Emma's tears falling on him made it interesting, to say the least. It was nice too, because Jake and Dan got to talk things out and feel better.

      Yup, this is an odd chapter and there was exactly one swear word. I'm telling you, if you make Sarah swear at Jake in chapter five (labeled chapter four, the pedestal one) then I think there will be one swear word in every chapter =P She could say, "Get back you little bastard!" and shake her fist at him. It would add even more to the drama =P

      I was surprised to learn that Dan was Asian. Not to be racist or anything, but the name Dan sounds white. It was a nice way to indirectly describe your characters though. 

      "Your body can't handle my mind, my power...It's too fragile." That was a bit conceited of Emma. Did she call Jake stupid? XD Anyway, it shows that she recognizes that she's "special" and knows about her power. Though how she got it is still a mystery. She could have been born the way she is, or maybe someone with the power switched bodies with her like she did with Jake. It also shows that what she has is more of a gift than a curse (this all reminds me of Gifted) or at least she sees it that way. I can't wait to see what's so special about her. So far all I know is that she turns people the color of bird poop =P

      The way Jake keeps fainting, I'm thinking he's some kind of pokemon. It makes me wonder how much he's going to do that in the future. Another sign of weakness, it is.

      Oh yeah. I was going to comment on Jake's temperature (39,39.5) and say, "Blasphemy! That's not hot, it's inhumanly freezing!" I thought you got it wrong for a second, but then remembered that you Australians use Celsius =v

      July 14, 2014 | David Boyce


    • Reply

      Haha, that’s not racist. I don’t know about America, but almost everyone I know who is of Asian descent but born in Australia have both an English name and an Asian name. For example, my best friend has a Chinese first name which is her “official” name, but everyone calls her Jane (that’s not her real English name, because I don’t think she’d appreciate me putting it on the internet :P). I don’t really know why, but that’s what they all seem to do, so I gave Dan an Caucasian sounding name :P If his last name is ever mentioned, which it probably will be in the future, it’ll be a Chinese one.

      I don’t remember you ever calling Jake Jason before, don’t worry :P And if Sarah swore at Jake she’d probably get fired ;)

      Emma talking about Jake’s mind being fragile will (hopefully) make more sense later. She’s not calling him stupid :P  

      Anyway, I’ll try and mention them changing location and stuff. For now, I’ll say Jake was still all weak and stuff after fainting, so he didn’t notice them moving :P

      July 14, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 7 Reply

      Haha, that’s not racist. I don’t know about America, but almost everyone I know who is of Asian descent but born in Australia have both an English name and an Asian name. For example, one of my best friends has a Asian first name which is her “official” name, but everyone calls her Jane (that’s not her real English name, because I don’t think she’d appreciate me putting it on the internet :P). I don’t really know why, but that’s what they all seem to do, so I gave Dan an Caucasian sounding name :P If his last name is ever mentioned, which it probably will be in the future, it’ll be a Chinese one.

      I don’t remember you ever calling Jake Jason before, don’t worry :P And if Sarah swore at Jake she’d probably get fired ;)

      Emma talking about Jake’s mind being fragile will (hopefully) make more sense later. She’s not calling him stupid :P  

      Anyway, I’ll try and mention them changing location and stuff. For now, I’ll say Jake was still all weak and stuff after fainting, so he didn’t notice them moving :P

      July 14, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 8 Reply

      Um...okay. This was a rather quaint chapter. Emma is no longer dreamy and passive like she was before. When she slapped Jake/Jacob and screamed at him, I was like...woah, what was she eating? Taught me not to judge an Emma by its cover. Somehow I feel like she's going to turn into the main character, because she's the one that made a mistake (switching bodies with Jake) and is trying to save him. Or did she save him already? Anyway, it's kind of like The Great Gatsby if it's from the perspective of someone (Nick/Jake) who isn't the main character (Gatsby/Emma) though I'm guessing Jake is still the main character.

      Near the beginning, it seemed a bit typical when Jake shivered out of fear. I don't mean to be all naggy, but do people do that in real life? This isn't against you, but I don't recall reading about a character in any story shivering out of only fear and not cold, as opposed to both...eh.

      I don't know if I was reading this wrong or what, but I was confused about a few things. At first I didn't get that Jake turned around after going to the door of his first memory, because he went to the end and he was like, Maybe there's something farther down. Something I still don't understand is what Emma was talking about, what Jake had to forget. Them switching bodies, right? And that memory's door was open, for some reason I thought it was closed, even though Jake said they were all open... Oh, and how did the fact that Emma ran faster allow them to get to the one door sooner than Jake would have if he tried going there alone? Did she drag him, carry him, pull him in a sled?

      Anyway, holy ship! Jake and Michael had a baby! What a plot twist! "He smiled as he remembered that scene, similar to the many, many fights he and Michael had had during their child." I think you meant to say childhood.

      Besides that I think the corridor thing was a very neat and interesting idea. It was cool how the doors represented memories, and some were locked because he couldn't remember what happened, and some were open because the memories were easy to recall. I bet there was a whole lot more symbolization in it that I missed, like why they were fast. I also liked your simile with the brain and the fan.

      It's funny, if I were Jake I probably would have fallen back asleep. It's good you were smart enough to make him not do that, because it would indeed scare his parents. You do a good job at paying attention to detail.

      One last thought. If Emma obliterated the door that had that memory, and the white streak of hair went away, did she make it so that the switching body thing never happened? Ooohhh fancy. You're a wizard, Emma!

      July 17, 2014 | David Boyce


    • Reply

      Thanks for the comment! Emma was dragging him along. I thought I mentioned that, but I’ll make it clearer :P And the door was open like the others, but it does sound like it was closed, so I’ll make that clearer too.

      And you’re wrong. That was totally deliberate. Jake and Michael had a baby using some weird supernatural thing that will be revealed later. Duh :P

      Anyway, Jake is the main character (obviously :P) but the story is kind of driven by Emma and her supernaturalness if that makes sense :P I’m sorry if it doesn’t, but I don’t know how else to phrase it without giving spoilers.

      July 17, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 9 Reply

      Aaahhhh so he didn't remember that whole experience. I like that, because it makes me wonder how things are going to go back to being all supernatural and stuff. I thought she was going to switch bodies with Dan for a second. Maybe...oh! Maybe she's being weakened, like with the heavy bags. Healing Jake could have weakened her. That's my guess. I wonder why she was so nervous.

      One thing that befuddled me was Hannah and Bridget, when they were first introduced. I wasn't sure whether they had white hair too (it's blonde, right?) and some physical descriptions might go nicely there. Also, the words "other girl" confused me because that was the first time you mentioned Hannah in this chapter, so I thought Bridget was the one who looked a few years younger than Emma. I had to read that several times to understand what you really meant.

      I didn't really get the part before that, because it looked like they were walking after lunch, but then they got up to walk over to Emma's family. Were they walking on their bottoms? Is that how you do things in Australia? I know some people walk like that here in America. It really gets on my nerves, grr.

      One other thing I don't really understand, though I think I was just reading it wrong. Was Dan the leader of their little trio, or was it Michael? I couldn't quite tell when you explained that, in this chapter or the first one.

      There was no swearing in this chapter, even though it was an odd one. I expected Jake to spit out his tea and say something like, "Ugh! This tea tastes like sh*t!" Wait, are there tea parties in Australia too? And you call cookies biscuits?

      I like how you convey Jake's character. It's very realistic, like when he said that he didn't want to interrupt the women. By golly, you write your characters so well! I also like the little details, like them getting the same things for presents but Michael getting blue ones and Jake getting something of another random color, and Jake saying that he was sixteen when he had just turned seventeen. And there was humor too, like when Dan was teasing Jake about his relationship with...um...what's her name again? Oh yeah, Emma. His relationship with her. I like how you have some comedic relief so that it isn't gloomy for the whole story. And it didn't clash with the negativeness either.

      It hasn't been revealed whether Bridget knows about Emma's powers. I don't think she does, because I don't think they would have been so trusting of Jake and Dan. If they knew surely they would be more protective.

      It's interesting, it seems to me like Hannah is to Emma what Michael was to Jake, the energetic sibling of a quieter, more awkward one. Though Hannah and Emma aren't twins.

      July 19, 2014 | David Boyce


    • Reply

      Thanks for the comment! Yeah, Bridget and Hannah are blondes. They’re not related to Emma, so they don’t have white hair too :P I’m confused, did I not say that they were her foster family? I thought I did, but some things you said (like saying that Emma and Hannah are quiet and energetic siblings, plus being confused if they had the same hair as her) made me think that maybe I forgot to mention it. Sorry if I did forget.

      And Americans call biscuits cookies, not the other way around!! :P And I wouldn’t call that a tea party lol. They were just sitting down and drinking tea. That's pretty standard behaviour for most people here.

      Anyway, Jake and Dan were walking at first, but then they sat down and got up again to say hi to Emma and Co. They weren’t walking on their butts :P We don’t do that, we ride on kangaroos instead. Duh :P

      And Michael was the “leader” of their group or whatever. Dan’s not as shy as Jake, but not as outgoing as Michael. He acts differently in this chapter, because earlier he was kind of tiptoeing around Jake and now they’re on equal grounds again after all the shenanigans of the last few chapters.

      July 19, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 10 Reply

      The man and woman who were staring at them made this chapter very intriguing. My guess is that they're 1)Emma's real parents, 2)Dan's friends which he hired to stalk them, 3)government agents who know Emma's secret, or 4)Jake and Emma from the future. Sorry, I had to say that last one.

      I noticed that a few times in the chapter two paragraphs were combined, however that may have happened.

      One thing that happens often, and may or may not be intentional, is people not noticing things, not understanding, and being confused, particularly Emma. If that was intentional, it does show her naivete and dreaminess.

      This chapter had some rough transitions, like in between the walk with Dan and Jake's apology to Sarah. It isn't that bad, but it might help if you said "after school" or something to make the transitions smoother.

      Sorry if this seems picky, but when the man was staring at Emma, it looked like you said that he was smiling predatory, and "predatory" isn't an adverb, though I'm just being silly if you said that he was being predatory.

      Besides that, the characters' emotions are shown well. You did a god job with showing and not telling, like when Hannah was upset that she couldn't go to the zoo. The way you described her reaction was nicely written and made me laugh.

      I know I say this all the time, but the psychological portion of the story is amazing. Sarah always makes me shake my head in wonder, and Jake's thoughts are both realistic and original. He still kind of reminds me of 256 from Gifted, but he's his own character. I'm glad to start seeing some of his strengths, one being that he is good in school. His lack of self esteem reveals why you didn't familiarize us with his strengths earlier on.

      The chapter had a happier tone for the most part. Dan's arrangement to get them to go on a little date at the zoo lightened the mood, and Jake had some gloomy thoughts but also some good ones, and he's back with Sarah. I sort of feel happy for him.

      There's a lot of mystery too, like with the man. The fact that Jake ran into him (literally) but didn't get to straighten things out made it all the more dramatic. And that lady too...what's up with her, huh?

      July 21, 2014 | David Boyce


    • Reply

      Thanks for the comment! Haha, those errors are so embarrassing… I’ll fix them :P

      I’m glad the psychological stuff is good. And 256 and Jake do have quite a few similarities :P I think that’s because I’m honestly not that great at writing from a male character’s perspective, so they always seem to end up being really girly :P

      July 22, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton