Gifted, a Fantasy story | SparkaTale

Sparkatale

Gifted

By: Genevieve Middleton

Status: Completed

Summary:

On a small island isolated from the rest of the world, children are taken away from their families if they are found to possess powers, or Gifts. The Gifted form the government and are trained in combat so they can maintain control through any means necessary. This order has been maintained for over a thousand years, and is all the nonGifted and the Gifted have ever known. In a far away, isolated mountain village, a young nonGifted woman vows to overthrow the Gifted and retrieve her stolen sister. On the other side of the island in a sleepy farming town, a girl dreaming of adventure discovers she has a mysterious power that the Gifted can’t explain. As they fight the Gifted, either for revenge or freedom, they discover there is more to them than they ever thought.

Created: September 9, 2013 | Updated: August 28, 2017

Genre : Fantasy

Language : English

Reviews: 2 | Rating:

Comments: 452

Favorites: 30

Reads: 14215


Share this:

Reviews (2)


  • Aaron Ledgers

    This is an amazing read. I was hooked from the very first chapter! Five stars!

    Rating:
    April 28, 2016 Flag


  • Liz uli

    Better than the summary suggests. Has a well developed plot and meaningful dialogue and is a clean read with the occasional minor error. This is a very engaging story with characters that, though slightly confusing/complicated, are all unique and have their own distinct personality. An enrapturing tale.

    Rating:
    January 21, 2014 Flag


Comments / Critiques


  • Reply

    Finished what you have posted. This story is very intriguing for a number of reasons. First it feels very original, which is sometimes hard to find in the fantasy genre. Then 256 is a very interesting character. Unlike Janelle and Carey, he doesn't currently have an agenda. He's part of the "bad guys" (even if I'm not entirely convinced that the Gifted and this Council is bad at this point) but he obviously has an empathetic spirit. It leaves his path very open to lots of possibilities. Then there is the idea of the gifts themselves. I'm glad that you are making elemental gifts the most common and having at least one of your main characters possess that. A lot of fantasy writers that post on these sites tend to make all of their characters have either very rare or very special/strong powers. It's refreshing that 256 is, for what we know of him, normal for one of the Gifted. I really haven't been able to connect with Janelle's character yet. She seems a little flat at the moment, but that might be due to no real scenes that have tested her character and personality. Like I said in my chapter reviews I would like to see maybe longer sections from a single character's point of view since it would make it easier for us as readers to form some sort of opinion about the characters and delve a little deeper into their personalities.

    September 10, 2013 | D.M. Gergen


  • Reply

    Thank you for the comment! I appreciate your feedback ^^ I find it strange when stories have all their main characters with really rare powers too, I mean, if the powers are rare, why does everyone have them O.o

    September 10, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Reply

    The new chapters are very good in terms of the story. I still feel like there is more of a connection with the 256 and Carey storyline than Janelle. Maybe if you edit at some point add a bit to her sections earlier on just to help readers relate to her better. Also I would try to combine some of those broken up sections for the same character so it doesn't feel so choppy. Otherwise I like where this is going. It's a very good storyline overall and I still really like 256 out of your three main characters. Looking forward to the rest.

    September 11, 2013 | D.M. Gergen


  • Reply

    So  I've just been sitting here, reading through this, and I have to say I enjoy it quite a bit. I love those gifted children type story lines. I can honestly say that I hope to read more!

    November 7, 2013 | Amber Kinirsky


  • Reply

    Thankyou for the comment! I'm glad you enjoyed it :) If there's a story you'd like me to read/comment in return, just let me know.

    November 7, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Reply

    I just read everything you'd posted in one sitting... couldn't stop reading. The tensions between the different characters are perfect. As several people commented, I don't connect with Janelle as much as, say, 256. However, as the story progresses with Carey as part of Janelle's rebel group, you have the perfect opportunity to develop her character more. I can't wait to see what comes next!

    February 1, 2014 | Kobayashi Kyoko


  • Reply

    Thanks so much for reading! I hope I do not disappoint you! :)

     

    February 3, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Reply

    Hey, since you're doing a rewrite, would it be better to continue reading once you're done, or is it safe to keep going? ^^

    April 29, 2015 | Shannon Rohrer


  • Reply

    It’s safe to keep going if that’s what you want to do :) I’m not making any major changes to the plot, and I update it so it still makes sense if someone wants to continue on. That said, if you do keep reading I apologize for the drop in the quality of the writing xD Thanks, and I’ll have finished my midsems this afternoon so I can finally get back to your story tonight :)

    April 29, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 1 Reply

    When I read this it almost reminded me of the beginning of a movie with the cutting back and forth between characters. Not saying that as a bad thing, but it might be nice to focus on a single character a little longer (ie combining Carey's portions of the chapter into one section). Also in Janelle's section you have a paragraph says sword every few words. Try to find another way to say sword or what you're trying to explain so it doesn't feel so bogged down. Otherwise, nice first chapter. I'm enjoying where this is going and the whole idea of the Gifted being carted away. Adds some mystery to what they're training for and what's their purpose.

    September 10, 2013 | D.M. Gergen


  • Chapter: 7 Reply

    Here's some nit-picky editing things I caught when reading: He sat up, thin blanket falling around his waist. - feels like you're missing a word here. I would put a question mark in the sentence where he asks her about getting food. I also think you could connect the bit in the cafeteria to leading her through the halls with just an additional sentence rather than doing a full break. It would read more smoothly that way. "before rushing of to tend to one of the children." Off not of. "Stop whinging" It's whining

    September 11, 2013 | D.M. Gergen


  • Chapter: 1 Reply

    Warning: I am bluntly sarcastic and I review everything I see in the composition and concept. I will praise what I love and point out what I think needs work.

    Now then! Let's start with the biggies, shall we?

    1. The first thing I noticed upon reading this chapter was an inconsistency that stemmed from your summary, the rebellion, and what has been shown of the Gifted. First, your summary claims that this custom of taking away gifted children has been going on for thousands of years and that the rebellion has only just started after that passage of time: sadly, by only a quarter of the way through your first chapter, I'm already not buying it. Why? Hmm.
      • People's loyalty: fear can spawn bravery among some people. quite like you've shown with Janelle. If all the government has used to qwell the people's disagreement with this custom is fear for thousands of years, a rebellion would have already started. And for that matter, it would have way more than two to three supporters.
      • Assessment day: you managed to strike major inconsistency with this concept in the last few paragraphs of the chapter--gifts can appear after infanthood. A system that has been in place for thousands of years would be aware of this and would take up the practice of multiple assessments over the course of early childhood and adolescence [not to mention that adolescence is traditionally when traits such as "magic" start to appear]
      • Janelle's reasoning stems from her sister being taken, but if her sister had been taken as an infant, she probably wouldn't have been so determined. Either make it her daughter or change the system in which assessment day is run.
    2. Your rebellion, rather simply. Two people strong, huh? I sincerely don't think Janelle would have hope for a rebellion against a long standing tradition with only the help of a quiet female swordsman. Add more rebels, find more secretive hideouts, maybe even give this rebellion a history.
    3. Now about Carey and the poor family...they own a farm, yes? One, they'd have a bigger house. Two, they wouldn't hope to get the younger children apprenticeships. I don't know whether or not you have a big family but as the number of children increases, so too does the necessary income, and an already poor family isn't going to hope that the children still in school will be better off when chances are they'll have to go get jobs or help around the farm as well. It wouldn't have gotten too much better when Carey and Wesley got jobs because in all honesty, the income necessary increases with every baby born. That or the need for food does. Chances are that the farm would get much more attention with all the children coming out of school, and the three eldest wouldn't get to have jobs because they'd spend too much time tending to the crops and animals.
    4. I know that with the things I capitalize in A Dreamgiver's Tale, I shouldn't nitpick on this, but I feel that the capitalization of the word "taken" as referring to the Gifted is truly unnecessary
    5. "...what about that guy who sells rugs at the market?"<---so says Wesley. You have a small island, your setting for Carey and Wesley is obviously a small village. This vendor would have a name and Wesley would know it, no ifs ands or buts. Also, what is with the extremely large families? I get that it's an olden day setting but not every person had eight or more kids [not to mention the reason for large families back in the day was to procreate in case of disease or war, thus, dead children were much more commonplace.
    6. Muggings are common because people lose their homes if... they offend the Gifted? I'm sorry, I call bull. That's a level of corruption that would cause rebellion, not muggings. Secondly, if offending the government caused their citizens to become poor, the government would suffer as well.
    7. Your descriptions tend to pause the story. You stop the action long enough to describe what you need to and jump back in. This isn't so much bad as it is disorienting. Instead of combining your descriptions with the action, the separation means that one moment you're discussing the hard work or how Wesley and Carey don't even look like siblings, and then the next, dialogue ensues and the drama of the present is discussed. I'll admit that flashbacks necessitate a pause in the action, but sometimes [like when you stop to describe Carey and Wesley] the pause could easily meld in between the dialogue and cease to disrupt anything at all.
    8. Um, the paragraph one before Carey nearly gets kidnapped sounds like a summary and could safely be axed in its entirety. Also a few of the concepts [like the Gifted seizing crops. Seriously? Would not happen] are less then believable and might be safer to ax as well.

    Alright, so beyond what I've mentioned, this is written well. The dialogue is natural, and the concept, while similar to ones I've seen, is unique enough to float. So far, I like it, and I can't wait to read more :) 

    November 11, 2013 | Melody Hallows


  • Chapter: 1 Reply

    Wesley definitely seems attractive… Hah, sorry, it’s just that I have a killer weakness for guys with blond hair and blue eyes, teehee. It’s so cruel to take a child away from their family simply because they are “gifted”. Okay, they want to train them, fine, but make it like a special academy where they go during the day, and then come back home at night; just like a normal school you arrogant pricks! xD

    Oh snap, Carrey was actually a Gifted in disguise. How was she overlooked as a baby? Perhaps that was her ability, or maybe her powers only activate when she is in danger? Either way, the story is definitely interesting. I wonder how it will develop, especially since Carrey found out that she’s a Gifted, and those two other women want to declare war on the Gifted. So exciting!

    November 28, 2013 | Luna's Child


  • Reply

    Thank you for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed it! Haha I think Carey turning out to be Gifted is probably one of the most cliched plot twists ever, but whatever I used it :P I'll read and review your story in the morning!

    November 28, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 3 Reply

    -Well, that woman who owns the Inn certainly doesn’t take no for an answer. I’d hate to have to give in to her demands. However, it seems like she “asked” them to come to her Inn for another purpose. Could she possibly want to overthrow the Gifted as well?

    -Oh sure, when Carrey was a baby, no one sensed her powers, yet they do when she’s 18. Talk about bad luck for her. But hey, this is where the action comes in. :P Nice chapter, just not a nice outcome for Carrey, haha.

    November 28, 2013 | Luna's Child


  • Chapter: 4 Reply

    -Ugh, labelling the Gifted as merely numbers is so demoralizing; they’re still people! They’re basically raised to be emotionless human weapons. Jerks.

    -There’s some issues I’d like to address. In the part where you describe 256 tying about Carrey, you wrote: - He wasn’t meant to injure the new Gifted… - I think you meant to write: - He hadn’t meant to…

    Also, in the paragraph where 256 and Carrey are travelling to wherever they’re going, you wrote: - … although 256 had been on the receiving end of many the dirty look. – I assume you meant to write: - … 256 had been on the receiving end of the dirty look many times. – or something like that.

    Another example is in the same paragraph. You wrote: - While they were stopped… - should be – while they stopped… -

    -I admire Carrey for being so stubborn even when she was kidnapped. Also, the way she bugs 256 adds a bit of humor in an otherwise dire, and tragic situation.

    -Just a question: approximately what century does your story take place in? I got the idea that it takes place around the Renaissance period, or close to it. Anyway, another cool chapter. Now I get to enter the world of the Gifted. :D

    November 28, 2013 | Luna's Child


  • Reply

    It's not really meant to take place in any particular time period, it's a meant to be a mixture of a few different eras. Different parts of the islands are more advanced than others, but in general it meant to be a mix of medieval/Renaissance with a few Victorian elements in some of the larger villages and towns ^^ The Gifted are also slightly more advanced than the towns and villages. Thank you for commenting!

    November 28, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 1 Reply

    You provide a very clear background for the story in terms of Carey’s family, Janelle and Samantha, and the premise of the story in general, i.e. the identification of the gifted ones. By making everything explicit, you are making it easier for your readers to get into the story. However, you could also try to let the readers work out some things for themselves, e.g. from their conversation or by describing some of their inner thoughts and feelings.

    Janelle and Samantha’s desire for revenge is understandable to me, but I feel that it needs to be developed a little more to make them more relatable to readers. No doubt you’ll do so in later chapters.  

    The ending of the chapter came as a surprise, and worked well to make me want to go on reading. I just have a minor question on how Carey could kick the man from behind when he was supposed to be holding her by the throat, and so they were presumably face to face.

    Editing:

    • her brothers’ and sisters’ Assessments (missing apostrophes)
    • united in their DESIRE FOR revenge

    Like I said, if you prefer that I leave your language alone, let me know. BTW when I give editing suggestions, the capitals are to highlight the change I’m recommending, I’m not shouting. :) 

    November 29, 2013 | I hear stories in my head


  • Reply

    Thanks so much for the comment! And thanks for picking up those errors, no matter how many times I read over it I always seem to miss a few. As for your question, the man came from behind her and grabbed her around the neck (I’ll go and change it so it says neck, throat makes it seem like he’s choking her now I think about it), so her back was facing him, and she kicked him from behind ^^

    November 29, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 3 Reply

    First off, my top priority in a story is the plot. I like original, twisty plots; so far this plot is interesting enough to keep me wanting to find out more. So in this chapter, right away, Carey’s gift is identified as such. As I mentioned earlier, there are two sides to it: obviousness makes a story easy to understand, but giving clues keeps a reader mentally engaged. You might want to revise your summary as well, to indicate that perhaps Carey is a new kind of gifted person, one that doesn’t manifest her ability until well past babyhood.

    There is no earlier indication that Harold’s mother is an innkeeper, so that came rather suddenly. Perhaps you could insert a sentence somewhere in her dialogue. Probably somewhere after ‘That was not what Janelle had expected.’ Something along the lines of “I have an inn, small but very comfortable, perfect for weary travellers like you,” the woman explained. That removed some of Janelle’s doubt about why she would suddenly take in strangers into her home, and why the boy was so excited to meet travellers.

    I’d thought earlier that the gifted children were taken away to serve some unnamed tyrant, but now it seems that the Gifted themselves are the oppressors in some way (which is also not explained so far). That changes some things. For instance it makes Janelle and Samantha’s desire for revenge all the harder to get. Are they angry because the Gifted turned their siblings against them?

    Editing:

    • tearS fell from her eyes
    • like nothing WAS wrong

    November 29, 2013 | I hear stories in my head


  • Reply

    Thank you for commenting! Yes, Janelle and Samantha’s mission will not be easy to achieve :P

    December 1, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 1 Reply

    This story looked pretty interesting as well, so I decided to check it out. I'm just gonna say I'm glad I did. Although the gifted powers that center around the elements isn't the most original thing in the world, the overall plot seems pretty original and the story is well written. I mentioned in the other story of your's I've read that i like the writing style- it's nice, flows well, and has plenty of detail.

    One thing that irked me was how the POVs switched several times in the chapter without a page break or a line to show. I didn't get confused because third person POV makes POV changes easier to understand, but some might. By the way, I like Janelle's name.

    Overall it's a good start, and nice cliffhanger at the end. Looks like Carey really is gifted.

    November 30, 2013 | A . Nonymous


  • Reply

    Thank you for commenting! I'm glad you like it :D I thought I left blank line between the POV changes... I don't know I'll check. I hope it's not too confusing, I try and make it obvious whose POV it is right away. I suppose this is the first chapter, though >.< I'm glad you like Janelle's name :D

    December 1, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 3 Reply

    Eh, saw it coming. It was a pretty gut wrenching scene, however, when he dragged Carey away from the family. You could almost picture the looks on their faces. Poor Wesley will take it the worst out of anyone, I'm afraid. I've grown up knowing Lindsay as a girl's name so I keep thinking he's a girl, but that's irrelevant.

    At the moment I'm still not sure what to think about Janelle and Samantha. They don't seem to be as interesting as Carey, but that's just because not much is going on in their lives at the moment. Anyways, another good chapter, keep up the good work!

    November 30, 2013 | A . Nonymous


  • Reply

    Haha personally I've heard Lindsay as both a girl's and a boy's name, although I think I've seen it used for a boy slightly more. Honestly it doesn't really matter, he's not that important XD I like gender neutral names, Carey is also a unisex name. Janelle and Samantha don't do much for the first few chapters, I hope you find them more interesting later! :D

    December 1, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 4 Reply

    The lack of POV change made this chapter a little easier to follow, but I almost wish we'd had one. I want to know how Carey felt on the journey- and, when she was trying to escape, why wouldn't she just use her powers? I'm assuming she doesn't have much, or any, control over them, but she at least should have tried.

    256 is interesting, although it felt a little weird to have a character named by a number. I hope she gives him a name to start calling him by or something, it just feels weird. Not bad, but it's different. However sometimes different is good.

    I like this chapter, and it shows Carey is a fighter. The writing is nice and flows well, and I forgot to mention how well written the action sequence was. It all felt very real and Carey's counterattacks impressed me. Keep up the good work!

    November 30, 2013 | A . Nonymous


  • Reply

    She doesn't use her powers because when she's in a situation like that, her natural instincts are still to punch/kick/run away, etc. Even if she tried she probably wouldn't be able to XD
    Originally she was going to come up with a name to call him, but I decided against it because I thought it would get confusing (as he'd still refer to himself by his number). For all the important Gifted characters I tried to pick numbers that are easy to say and aren't too long, so I hope it isn't too weird...

    I'm also really glad you liked the action sequence, I'm not very confident about my action-scene writing skills so I feel slightly reassured now :D

    December 1, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 5 Reply

    -Just a suggestion, there are some areas where you can combine phrases together. Ex: The older man cleared his throat, filing away the form. “Well, we don’t have any of their clothes prepared at the moment, so for now you’ll have to stay in… that.” Since it’s the older man who was talking, it’s fine to place his line immediately after his description.

    Carey’s got quite the spirit; I admire her for keeping on fighting.

    December 1, 2013 | Luna's Child


  • Chapter: 7 Reply

    -I think there’s a spelling mistake in this line: “… I collapsed before we could. So stop whinging.” I believe you meant to write “whining”.

    -The Leader is one sadistic bastard. I hope he dies.

    -Marvin is indeed an elusive character. I can understand why Janelle is suspicious of him. I wonder if you’ll reveal more about Marvin as the story progresses.

    December 1, 2013 | Luna's Child


  • Reply

    Lol that's the second time I've been corrected for that word. I didn't realize whinging was a colloquial term... I thought it was used everywhere :P It's like whining but even more annoying.I suppose I should probably change it.

    December 1, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 4 Reply

    I like 256, straight off. I like that he has a conscience, and that he thinks Carey is pretty. I also like the way he talks, so reasonable and unexcitable unlike Carey. I get the impression that he's a little clueless when it comes to girls, and I have a major soft spot for that kind of male character.

    It's good that you start explaining how the Gifted are brought up by the Council to think of themselves as superior etc – it helps to clarify the divide between the gifted and ungifted. I also look forward to seeing how you intend to have 256 train this very unwilling new recruit who is as likely to stab him as learn anything from him.

    Editing:

    • acidentAlly kill them / murdering
    • no matter what Gift (not ‘not matter what’)

    December 2, 2013 | I hear stories in my head


  • Reply

    Haha yes he is completely clueless when it comes to girls XD He’s also just completely clueless about the unGifted in general. :P

    December 2, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 5 Reply

    Plot-wise, it’s rather hard to accept that the ladies would trust Marvin so easily, and that he in turn would agree to help them straightaway. I think it’s because you haven’t made it clear enough that the majority of people are against the Gifted, which would make this partnership more believable. However, the fact that Marvin has no illusions about their chances of success helps to temper this somewhat.

    On the part of Carey, I like that she’s beginning to see that the Gifted are not what she has assumed them to be, and I still like the interaction between her and 256 very much. It also seems that 256 is starting to think about his own situation due to her questions, and that could be a significant development.

    Editing: our father soon after... (missing word after ‘father’)

    December 2, 2013 | I hear stories in my head


  • Reply

    Janelle doesn’t completely trust him yet, but she was so excited that they had a plan and their mission was going somewhere that she loses some of her reason… Later she does question whether she should trust him or not. Still, I should probably make this clearer :P

    December 2, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 7 Reply

    This chapter humanises the Gifted even further, particularly 256’s memory of his teacher. The interaction between 256 and Carey is very natural. I’m glad that she’s gotten over her initial mistrust and is ‘opening up’ to him. Romance radar activated.... :D

    On Janelle/Sam’s end, the bit with Janelle not trusting Marvin is good, and it answered my earlier question on that issue, even if Marvin didn’t give any real answer. You are giving more information on the Gifted, so this is the point where you need to be careful and be consistent in your ‘facts’ or else you’d have to do major rewriting of earlier chapters later on.

    One small nitpicky thing is that you word the characters’ thoughts like dialogue. The convention is to write thoughts as reported speech, I believe, unless it’s an utterance that is unsaid. Eg instead of ‘She’s probably dehydrated,” he thought, it would be He decided / concluded / thought she was probably just dehydrated.

    Editing

    • with only A few young children
    • from the SIGHT of him

    December 3, 2013 | I hear stories in my head


  • Chapter: 8 Reply

    It’s sad that Carey still thinks of 256 as one of the enemy, as shown by her dream. Oh well, one can always hope... He’s being really nice to her, partly because he thinks that’s his job, of course, but as you indicated at the end of the chapter, perhaps also because for the first time in his life he’s feeling something for someone else.

    So Jan and Sam get a reality check (pardon the short forms, I always do that cause I can’t remember how to spell characters’ proper names). That gives your plot substance and plausibility. I haven’t really warmed up to these two characters yet. Maybe because I don’t really understand their motivation yet apart from simple revenge.

    Editing:

    • a peaceful night’s rest (missing apostrophe)
    • there are quite a few questions in dialogue that are not punctuated with ? but I didn’t point them all out here
    • “Yes you are,” she said, as if that solved it: would ‘settled’ be a better word for ‘solved’ here?

    December 3, 2013 | I hear stories in my head


  • Reply

    I’ll admit, I struggled with Janelle’s character for the earlier chapters. I think I got the hang of her character around the seventh/eighth chapter, so hopefully you will warm up to her soon! :D

    December 3, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 8 Reply

    Aww, it seems like 256 is finally experiencing human emotion. Maybe he'll eventually help Carrey is escaping, or maybe both of them will help Janelle and her group to overthrow the Gifted.

    -Just a head’s up, in the longer paragraph after Carrey’s dream you wrote: - It had been a little over her month… - It should be: - It had been a little over a month… -

    Another spelling mistake is in the second paragraph after the salesman runs off from Janelle. You wrote: - After all, the Gifted regime effected all of them.- It should be: -affected-.

    -Just a friendly advice, there were some instances in all of your chapters where you added redundant details. Ex: - Tonight, the snow that had been threatening to fall for so long finally appeared, coating the forest with a small layer of snow. – You could rewrite it as such: - Tonight, the snow that had been threatening to fall for so long finally appeared, and coated the forest with a small layer. -

    December 3, 2013 | Luna's Child


  • Reply

    Wow, I really need to edit more XD Thanks for picking up those errors!

    December 3, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 9 Reply

    -You have a spelling error in one of the paragraphs where Janelle meets her new recruits. You wrote: - That girl should not be trying leading a revolution. – It should be: - That girl should not be trying to lead a revolution. –

    -It may just be me and my ignorance, but is there a possible romance blossoming between Janelle and Samantha? I’d normally assume that they are just friends, but some of the details you wrote, such as making Janelle blush around her, leads me to suspect otherwise. If that’s not the case, then I over-think on your details too much. xD

    December 3, 2013 | Luna's Child


  • Reply

    Haha you’ll have to wait and see about Janelle and Samantha :P

    December 3, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 10 Reply

    -I didn’t mention this before, but I like the fact that you switch between points-of-views. It allows the readers a diverse understanding of the story, as well as makes it more intriguing to read.

    -It's nice to get a hint of Janelle's background; she always remained a mystery aside from her goal to over-throw the Gifted.

    -Ooh, the Gifted are being sent to get rid of the Rebellion. Let the action begin!

    December 3, 2013 | Luna's Child


  • Reply

    I’m glad you like the POV changes, I hope they’re not too confusing ^^ I try and make it obvious who’s POV it is each time.

    December 3, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 11 Reply

    -In the very first paragraph you wrote: -… enough that she’d be able to slip away when he without him noticing… - It should be: -… enough that she’d be able to slip away without him noticing… -

    -You misspelt “that” as “hat” in the part after the argument between Janelle and Samantha.

    -Hmm, Marvin's background is certainly interesting. I'm surprised he himself is not a Gifted since her parents both were. I suppose he's just an exception. However, his vagueness still makes me suspicious of him.

    December 3, 2013 | Luna's Child


  • Reply

    Marvin has no more chance of being Gifted than anyone else, even if his parents are Gifted themselves. It is not an inherited trait :P

    December 3, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 12 Reply

    -Wait, I’m confused: I thought Carrey left 256 behind. Did I misread that last chapter, or is it just assumed in this one that Carrey eventually came back?

    -I noticed you misspelt “were” as “where”; watch out for examples like that. Same thing with “their” and there”.

    -I wonder what memories 256 is desperately trying to hold in?

    December 3, 2013 | Luna's Child


  • Reply

    At the end of Carey's part in the last chapter, she decided to go back because she realised it was stupid to run away without a clear plan and with no knowledge of where she is. Sorry if that wasn't clear enough ^^

    December 3, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 13 Reply

    -Indeed, who and what are those people doing? Could it be Janelle and her Rebellion? Also, I'm beginning to think that 256 is starting to care for Carrey more than just as an attractive woman. It might even be possible that he'll fall in love with her in the future, despite that being forbidden. Only time will tell. ^_-

     

    December 3, 2013 | Luna's Child


  • Chapter: 14 Reply

    -You misspelt “she” as “se” in the part after Carrey takes 256’s sword. You also misspelt “but” as “bar” in the part where Janelle observes her recruits fighting a losing battle against the Gifted.

    -Aww, you killed off Emma! D: I actually liked her; poor girl. Well, their plan was a complete failure. I wonder how badly the Rebellion will be affected.

    December 3, 2013 | Luna's Child


  • Chapter: 15 Reply

    -Dang, so Janelle's sister ended up being her daughter. Now that's even more personal; I'd be furious if some organization took away my child.

    Ooh la la, there is DEFINITELY something going on between Janelle and Samantha.

    I enjoyed reading this story; it's on a somewhat common genre, yet it wasn't superficial. Do update soon!

    December 3, 2013 | Luna's Child


  • Reply

    I'm glad you enjoyed it so far, I hope I won't disappoint you! :)

    December 3, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 9 Reply

    There were quite a few random bits that I liked – Rosa’s interaction with her brother, Jan’s speech (Public speaking can be a very scary thing to have to do, so I think she did good!), the self-introduction scene in the basement (I found that funny, somehow; they’re off to overthrow a regime and yet there they were politely presenting themselves like at a tea party).

    I said before that I don’t get the two girls, and now in this chapter I finally start to understand Jan a little. She doesn’t believe in herself as much as others believe in her, and I can identify with that because I have been in that same situation before.

    Editing:

    • standing very close to A man (missing article)
    • weren’t exactly what she HAD imagined
    • just a few DAYS’ trip from here (missing apostrophe)
    • the basement WHERE they now stood

    December 7, 2013 | I hear stories in my head


  • Chapter: 10 Reply

    Carey’s warming up to 256, they’re gonna fall for each other… *Hums happily* Yeah, yeah, I’m a hopeless romance addict. It’s touching that 256 is more worried that she’d get hurt on the mission, rather than worrying that she’ll try to run away! Maybe this is a test of some kind by the Leader of her loyalty?

    James seems interested in Jan. Is this going to be another couple? *looks hopeful* The background info on Jan helps to develop her character even more. For one thing, it establishes that she’s a homebody not a tomboy, and makes her role as leader all the harder to take up.

    Editing: I think you mean ‘SEWING and knitting’ rather than sowing?

    December 7, 2013 | I hear stories in my head


  • Chapter: 11 Reply

    The scene in the cold was so sweet! At least Carey has the decency to feel guilty about eventually betraying 256. The way she rationalised her own turning back was kind of cute too.

    There was a lot of information given in this chapter about the Gifted, and it’s good that you did this through Marvin rather than as a ‘lecture’ style passage. Knowing Marvin’s background also helps me relate better to him, although I still can’t decide if he’s actually friend or foe to the rebels. But he definitely isn’t so one-dimensional now. 

     

    December 8, 2013 | I hear stories in my head


  • Chapter: 12 Reply

    I’m very pleased that there’s a whole chapter devoted to Carey and 256, cause they’re my favourite characters! It was great to learn something about 256’s past as well as how his feelings for Carey are developing. Your characters are rounding out nicely. The incident at the first house also provided more info on why the residents would dislike the Gifted regime, which hasn’t been that clear up to now.

    On another note, perhaps you’d like to start experimenting with ways of describing that are all your own rather than relying on stock expressions like ‘full to the brim’ and ‘stone-cold’. It’s not a pressing matter right now, but if you’re serious about honing your writing skills, I think that’s something worth working on.

    Editing:

    • SHE stood back, and 256...
    • There’RE eight of us now

    The scene in the cold was so sweet! At least Carey has the decency to feel guilty about eventually betraying 256. The way she rationalised her own turning back was kind of cute too.

    There was a lot of information given in this chapter about the Gifted, and it’s good that you did this through Marvin rather than as a ‘lecture’ style passage. Knowing Marvin’s background also helps me relate better to him, although I still can’t decide if he’s actually friend or foe to the rebels. But he definitely isn’t so one-dimensional now. 

     

    December 8, 2013 | I hear stories in my head


  • Reply

    Ah, sorry about the repeated lines at the end of my previous comment - I forgot to clear the pop up box of the previous chapter's comments before inserting the comment for this chapter.

    December 8, 2013 | I hear stories in my head


  • Chapter: 12 Reply

    I don’t know if it’s because I just don’t find Janelle very interesting, but I found the beginning part rather repetitious – there wasn’t anything new to be learned about Janelle, although we did get something about James’ background. Apart from that, it’s all been said before – she’s in it for her sister, she’s not very sociable, she doubts her leadership abilities.

    The second part was more interesting to me, but of course it had the advantage of something big happening (Carey’s escape). I also had a sudden thought about her Gift – does only what she’s wearing when she goes invisible become invisible too, or does anything that touches her disappear as well? Cause in some invisibility stories, the person has to take off his/her clothes (like that Jeff Goldblum movie), in others the clothes that he’she is wearing become invisible as well. Just wondering which type Carey is.

    December 8, 2013 | I hear stories in my head


  • Reply

    Another apology - the previous comment was meant for chapter 11. Anyway, In the Corner of Your Eye only has 10 chapters, so if you'd like to continue this exchange, would you mind doing All of Him next? I hope so. Really enjoying your story so far!

    December 8, 2013 | I hear stories in my head


  • Reply

    At the moment, only what she’s wearing will turn invisible with her. Her invisibility depends on her mind and requires her to imagine herself fading away, so anything that she views as a part of herself (in other words, her clothes) will turn invisible too. She can’t turn other things invisible, though (at least at the moment :P)

    Haha I was planning on reading another one of your stories when I finished In the Corner of Your Eye, and now I know which one you'd like :)

    December 9, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 14 Reply

    Ooh, the two arcs of your story have joined up! Your fight scenes are cool, in spite of what you said about not being good at them – you’re much better than me anyway! There was only one bit of confusion for me – the pursuer after Janelle is supposed to be a woman, right (wonder which Gifted that was?) but at one point, you used the pronoun ‘he’ (He was still after them)

    I’m not really surprised at the outcome of the rebels’ attack, and had you written them a victory, I would have been very disappointed and even annoyed at having to pull off such a huge suspension of disbelief. So I’m glad you kept it realistic, although now we’d probably get a whole cartload of self-doubting angst from Jane, won’t we? Sorry... I just don’t like Jane very much. But I want to assure you that it is through no fault of yours, it is strictly a matter of personal taste.

    December 9, 2013 | I hear stories in my head


  • Reply

    Oops, she was meant to be a woman. Originally she was a man, but I changed it. I guess I missed that spot XD I’m glad you like the action sequences, I feel a little reassured now :P I haven’t really written many action scenes before, which is why I worry about them. But I do practice martial arts so maybe that helps :P

    December 10, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 15 Reply

    The tone of your story gets much darker in this chapter. I’d had 256 pegged as an innocent who’s probably never been kissed, and now you have him hiding deep dark secrets with 440. Delicious.

    I was expecting the self-doubting from Jane, and it was fitting that it was there, but well, it wasn’t easy for me to get through it. Still, now that it’s clear that Jane is trying to rescue her own daughter and not her sister, I can fully understand her motivation. I just wish she’d grow a backbone. If I were Sam, I’d slap some sense into her head rather than babytalk her. Sorry if I sound like a total meanie.

    Editing:

    • won’t cut OFF her circulation
    • one stirred ... they quickly found ... their throat: the pronouns don’t match in this sequence

    December 9, 2013 | I hear stories in my head


  • Reply

    Haha I don’t think 256 and 440’s past is quite what you’re thinking of… :P

    I’ll admit, I think I overdid it on the angst :P I love angst too much, that’s my problem. I’ll go back and edit at some point and tone it down a bit. And I don’t think you’re a meanie, Janelle definitely needs some sense knocked into her… Although I don’t think Samantha is the one to do it ;)

    December 10, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 16 Reply

    It's ironic; in the beginning, Carey did practically everything she could to stay home, especially away from 256. Now, she considers him a friend; what a heartfelt goodbye. xD

    Nice chapter though!

    December 15, 2013 | Luna's Child


  • Chapter: 17 Reply

    Truthfully, it's stupid of Carrey to wonder into a nonGifted residence with her uniform on. I know she doesn't have other clothing to wear, but she should have planned her visit better. Update soon!

    December 15, 2013 | Luna's Child


  • Reply

    Haha yes that was not Carey's best move :P But she was so tired and hungry that she wasn't really thinking straight.

    December 15, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 17 Reply

    I really, really liked Marvin’s speech to Janelle. It wasn’t quite the smack in the head that I would like someone to give her, but it expressed my feelings exactly. It’s good for the rebels that she’s finally found her backbone, but I think she’s still too self-centred in her internal dialogue to convince me that she’s turning into a capable leader. Oh well, there’s still time for her to grow, I guess. Yes, I’m biased against Jan but that’s just how it is – you can’t have all your characters likeable to every reader. So I hope you take this positively as evidence that your writing is having a great effect on me!

    What are they going to do to 256? Oh no, I’m so worried for him!

    Editing:

    • everything that’s coming TO me
    • He other Gifted (missing word?)

    December 16, 2013 | I hear stories in my head


  • Reply

    Haha I’m glad you liked his speech. I don’t mind if you don’t like her that much, I know I can’t please everyone :P Especially with a character like her, I think she’s one of those characters who people either like or don’t like, without much middle ground :)

    BTW, I am wondering why you skipped chapter 14… I did find it weird that you commented on my side story but not that chapter, as that’s where I posted about it, so maybe it didn’t work properly? Sorry if I sound horribly pushy and mean, but I’d really like to hear your opinion on it ^^

    December 16, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Reply

    Yes, I do think that's what happened, because I distinctly remember posting a comment on chapter 14 - my broadband connection sucks. It probably swallowed my comment whole. So ok, I'll do a new one, hope I remember what I said!

    December 16, 2013 | I hear stories in my head


  • Reply

    Or it might be the site itself, cause I've been getting notifications for comments supposedly added to comments that I made, only they're for stories that I never commented on. 

    December 16, 2013 | I hear stories in my head


  • Chapter: 16 Reply

    I felt that the part on Carey asking 256 to teach her hand to hand combat was pretty rushed – you could have gotten so much more out of it, IMHO. I mean, with all that grappling and wrestling and very close contact... I’d have used it to include a few tender moments.

    I wonder what happened to 404 that made him so nasty? Or was he always nasty? If something made him that way, presumably the same thing happened to 256, but the effect on him is quite different. Why? I wonder if you’d ever tell us what it is or leave it to our (admittedly, fertile) imaginations.

    The thing that struck me most about this chapter is how it ended – so heart-wrenchingly SAD!!! And on behalf of romance-story addicts everywhere, I do present this appeal to you: please, please, let Carey and 256 end up together. Pretty please with whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles...

    December 16, 2013 | I hear stories in my head


  • Reply

    Heh, that scene was longer originally, but then I thought the whole chapter was too long so I cut it out :P Maybe I should go back and add it in… I don’t know, I’ll think about it :D Thank you for commenting!

    December 16, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 18 Reply

    The mention of the Other Worlds – is that the first one? I can’t remember reading about it earlier. If it isn’t an important detail, then I don’t think it needs to be included; it could just be assumed that 13 is unlucky in their world too.

    I liked the conversation between Carey and Michelle about if you were Gifted you’d know that. It was quite funny to me. Michelle’s story seems a little different from what you put in your collection of short stories, however. Did her mum tell her a different story then? Not a complaint, just an observation.

    I don’t know why Michelle even bothered to tell her the story, really – she could have waited for her to leave the inn and ambushed her outside with a whole posse of rebels. And then they could have taken their time interrogating the truth out of her. 

    December 30, 2013 | I hear stories in my head


  • Reply

    There have been a few other mentions of the Other Worlds, mostly in passing. There was one other significant mention of them, I think it was in chapter 10 where 256 mentions in his internal dialogue that the Gifted were told they had been blessed with powers the greatest scientists and historians in the Other Worlds couldn’t understand. They aren't that important at the moment, they might be important later (I haven't quite decided yet).

    The story Samantha told isn’t her story. That’s why at the end she says its “mostly” lies, because although it didn’t happen to her, it happened to someone else. They could have just ambushed Carey when she left, but they wanted to make sure she wasn’t a threat (they thought she probably wasn’t, but they couldn’t really take the risk). By talking to her it became apparent she wasn’t so they could take her hostage, while if she had been a threat and they’d confronted her outside she could have killed them or escaped and told the Gifted. That’s what I figured when I wrote it, anyway, either way I think it could’ve worked :P

    December 31, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Reply

    I guess I wasn't paying attention to this point on the Other Worlds - if you want it to be a significant detail then you'd need to make it stand out more, I think. Like, does everyone know of these worlds, or just the Gifted? Is it the source of the Gifts, etc...

    I understand your logic behind the ambush-after-talking, but they could equally have estimated her deadliness by trying to talk to her as she wandered through the village, or simply throwing something at her to see how she reacted. Or just spiked her sandwiches with some tasteless, odorless sleeping drug - they have their wonder doctor at hand to mix up a suitable concoction, no? Anyway, the way you wrote it was good too, but the reasoning was not obvious until you explained it. Could you make it clearer somehow, maybe by having Michelle discuss it with somebody beforehand?

    December 31, 2013 | I hear stories in my head


  • Chapter: 5 Reply

    It's been forever since I read this story- I kinda forgot about it. It took a while to remember what all had happened in the last chapters, but I found they all fell back into place quickly. One thing I'd still suggest is marking when you change POVs, it gets confusing sometimes.

    Janelle and Samantha's story finally seems to be going somewhere- I knew it was all along but now their plotline is really picking up. I have a feeling somewhere that they will all intertwine at some point or another.

    I've forgotten to mention this before, but Carey is a well-written and well fleshed out character. She's a fine heroine. (-:

    January 2, 2014 | A . Nonymous


  • Reply

    Haha no worries, I forgot about your story too XD To be honest, I don’t really want to put “Someone’s POV” because the changes happen so often and I think they interrupt the flow of the story… I don’t like reading stories that do that, if it happens all the time. Still, maybe I should swallow my pride and put them in anyway, if it’s confusing…

    I’m glad you like Carey, originally when I came up with this story she was the only POV character, so I think in the earlier chapters she stands out a lot more than the other two :P

    January 3, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 1 Reply

    Overall, the prologue was good. You flashed the character of Casey quite well and gave the basic information about the fictional world. Not much, but enough to know more or less what is going on without getting a headache. Your writing style is great - reading the chapter was a very pleasant experience. The vocabulary is diverse, the sentences nicely built, the general style isn't pompous, but natural.

    Plot and pacing

    Pacing was nice, as well as the plot - after getting properly introduced, Casey gets kidnapped and her Gift manifests. There was something unexpected, a mild cliffhanger... enough to make me read the next chapter, so the purpose of the prologue is fulfilled.

    I sense a was Gifted versus unGifted looming on the horizon and I know Casey's going on a trip very soon (unless she gets recruited by Janelle, what would be entertaining).

    Once again, you gave just the right amount of information.

    Characters

    Casey

    You portrayed her background well. Coming from a farming family with many children and having to help her parents - seems realistic. Her relations with her family member were absolutely normal and I'm glad she isn't "a tragic, misunderstood heroine", I also liked that Casey wasn't a "super mega awesome person" from the start, because it leaves a lot of room for character development. Like quite a number of people, I get annoyed when the heroine is the most beautiful, talented, clever and popular in the whole kingdom, so Casey was able to gain my sympathy very quickly.

    Janelle

    She's a little revolutionary, isn't she? I can't really say much about her right now, but she's going to stir some trouble, which sounds like fun.

    January 16, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Thank you for reading! I’m glad you like it :) I must admit I don’t know anything about farming or country life, so I’m glad you think Carey’s family life is realistic :P Haha, I hate it when the heroines (or heroes, for that matter :P) are perfect and good at everything, the story’s boring if they just do everything right all the time.

    January 16, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 3 Reply

    A really nice chapter. The pace didn't slow down and all parts kept my focus on the plot. Good job with introducing Janelle and Samantha - I like the idea of female warriors. It seems that they're still inexperienced (at least Janelle), but they'll do just fine. The scene in the inn was fine, but it was odd, that the topic of the two girls missing came up and no one except the innkeeper figured out that they're sitting right here, although it was obvious.

    Now Carey. I just knew she won't be able to escape the Assessor that easily! Anyway, the second half of the chapter made the plot pick up the pace and kept the tension up. I was rooting for Carey to escape the Assessor all the time, so I guess you did really well.

    The very ending made me dislike Carey's family though. I was a bit surprised that she wasn't able to prevent him for dragging her out, but actually it isn't that unusual if the guy is strong and trained. But, why didn't her family gang up on him? He wouldn't stand a chance. Perhaps they were afraid of the consequences, but Wesley started defending Carey, but then he just gave up.

    Anyway, I'm curious how Carey will accommodate to her new life situation. I suspect that it would be like failing 18 grades and go to school at the age of 22 with 6-year old kiddies. Well, we shall see.

     

     

    January 18, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    The main reason Carey's family didn't fight him (at least right away) is because they were still in shock over the whole thing. Also, if they had resisted, they would have been defeated by the Assessor quite easily. I can't remember if I mentioned this or not, but he is carrying a sword, plus he has his Gift, while they're unarmed and some are young children. Anyway, Carey's fight against the Assessor isn't over yet ;)

    January 18, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 4 Reply

    Why didn't anybody just shoot 256? The fire may be flashy and useful for blocking way, but it useless against arrows, especially if fired from all directions. Hmmm, just my thoughts - I have the impression that Carey's family isn't trying hard enough. About the shock, I almost shouted at the screen: "Why are you standing around? Do something!" Oh well, at least the girl got kidnapped ;-)

    256. Now this guy is making me want to strangle him. His awesome personality and his views are really repulsive. I sincerely shared Carey's hatred for him.

    Carey. I've been complaining about her family's reactions, but her behavior was just the way it should be (very realistic, nice one). She's feisty, she doesn't cry or complain and she's ready to defend her freedom. Threatening 256 with the knife instead of killing him first was a bit foolish, but I doubt, that many teenage girls would be able to murder somebody without hesitation.

    Carey's new stare-technique made me grin and root for her even more. She impressed me when she didn't waver in front of the leader. As for the future events, I have absolutely no idea how the heck 256 is supposed to train Carey without losing his life.

    All righty, summing up. This chapter was an awesome introduction of the heroine. She was likeable before, relatable, but in this chapter she showed the full extent of her character and her inner strength. I suspect she'll get involved in Janelle's resistance and, frankly, she would make an excellent member.

     

    January 18, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Well, to be fair to her family, they don’t exactly have stocks of bows and arrows hidden around their house. They’re farmers, not hunters XD But yeah, I should probably make them resist more, cos only Wesley really bothered :P

    January 18, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 5 Reply

    Well done, you showed Janelle's background story without trapping readers in a boredom trap. The retrospection was just right, not too long, but it served its purpose. About Janelle, it occurred to me that she's old. From what I figured out, "Gifted" is set in a medieval-like world and then the unmarried girls at the proud age of 20 were already considered almost old maidens ;-) But, being still unmarried wouldn't be odd if the girl didn't have a dowry and I believe that would be Janelle's situation.

    Anyway, I'm siding with the revolutionists. Gifted remind me of a bit of Church in the Middle Ages - doing nothing really productive, but robbing poor farmers of their crops.

    I was a bit surprised that Janelle and Samantha had absolutely no clue where they were going, but I guess their enthusiasm took over. I suspect they will forge contact with the real revolutionists (or build the organization themselves) and become full-fledged warriors for equality.

    Marvin has a special place in my heart as a genuinely good person.

    Now back to Carey (I was waiting to find out what trouble will she stir for 256). She's a bit foolish - she has the right idea, but she carries her plans out wrong. I'm with 256 on this one - she should really stop telling him her plans and use an element of surprise.

    Giving the newcomers numbers in place of their names reminds me of German concentration camps during the WWII. The fact, that the Council wants the Gifted to stay in their rooms and not contact each other is an unsettling hint too.

    January 20, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Yeah, she is rather foolish when she’s angry. Carey’s rather hot-blooded, so when she gets angry she tends to say things without thinking. It gets her into trouble more than a few times ;)

    Heh, Janelle’s exact age is given later. She’s 23. Although this story is set in a medievalish setting, because there’s no true middle/upper class (the Gifted are probably the closest thing, but obviously they’re far different from your average class) it’s a bit more liberal in terms of marriage and gender equality than the true medieval period. But still, Janelle’s rather old for an unmarried woman XD But then, she did have a baby sister to raise by herself, so she didn’t exactly have time to scout out future partners :3

    January 20, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Reply

    Seems legit ;-)

    I hope you don't mind me nit-picking everything I can find - that's a nasty habit of mine. Overall your story is consistent and I didn't manage to find any major plot holes (I tried, trust me).

    January 20, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    No, I don't mind at all :) I'm not a very experienced writer, so feel free to nitpick as much as you want, I definitely need it :P

    January 20, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 7 Reply

    Carey was great with her defiance as ever. I really like how stubborn and feisty she is, plus she's getting smart. The idea to get stronger first and then use the Gift of Stealth to escape was jackpot, even though it won't be that easy to execute the plan.

    What I appreciated the most, was the character development of 256. He started as a totally bad guy, his attitude towards Carey made me despise him, but gradually, he shows that there is more to him. He has his own opinions, doubt in the righteousness if the Council's actions - a little more time spent with Carey and he'll join the dark side of the Force ;-) Besides, it's good to have a male character around.

    The last part of the chapter was quite informative. It's good to know the limitations of the Gifts. So far, the plot line with Janelle is the weakest. Carey's side has a heroine with a distinctive personality, clear storyline and and interesting character of 256. In comparison, Janelle is a bit bland, although she's feisty too. Her companions aren't as thrilling as 256 - Marvin is nice, has some knowledge, but he's a goody two-shoes. Samantha is surely a mysterious one and perhaps she should be flashed out more. What is the greatest weakness, the "rebels" don't have a clear objective - they follow one clue after another, but I don't see an ultimate goal here.

    Okay, I hope I wasn't too cranky about Janelle. I suspect that the both plot lines will meet at some point and I'm really curious how will it happen.

    January 21, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Oh don’t worry, I’m perfectly aware that Janelle’s characterisation and plot are all over the place for the first part of the story. When I started this story, I had a clear idea of Carey and 256’s characters, Janelle… not so much XD Anyway, I think I got the hang of writing her about chapter 7/8 (well I hope I did :P). And Marvin has some dark secrets, don’t worry. So does Samantha. And Janelle, actually :P Aw, 256 wasn’t a completely bad guy at the start :P If he was, he would’ve just killed Wesley. He does genuinely believe that what he did was for Carey’s benefit XD

    January 21, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 8 Reply

    Carey's dream was amazing! Damn, you overdid yourself - the description of Wesley's death was simply awesomely detailed. I really was swooning over the descriptions ;-)

    I noticed that the dark side is consuming 256 even more and I love it. I was very surprised that he can't read, but that makes sense. The Gifted seem to be obsessed with maximizing the usability, so it would be pointless to teach 256 how to read and write if he doesn't need the ability for his tasks (and all dictators know that the books may be a dangerous tool).

    When Janelle struggled to do her "revolutionary" work, I made a face palm and giggled - her efforts to have people join the rebels were amusing. Well, beginnings are always hard. Usually, when the resistance is shown in books and movies, the organization is already formed, so it's interesting to read how Janelle wants to build it from the scratch.

    I have to say, that you have a realistic approach to the resistance with Janelle's group being short of money and having trouble recruiting new followers, lack of ideas how to overthrow the Gifted. It's refreshing that the quest wasn't that easy.

     

    January 21, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Hehe, for some reason I really like writing death scenes, they’re one of my favourite bits. Now what does that say about me… XD

    January 21, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 1 Reply

    I really like the concept of this story. It reminded me several things I had read, yet it was like nothing I had read. I love the way you didn't have to explain much about who the Gifted were and what this society was like, but we still just an understanding about it from how your characters reacted to things and thought about certain things. I really like it when people write stories that involve the elements. Personally I am a huge fan of water (My stars sign is a water sign. Yes, I am biased). I actually just bought a short story today that delt with the main character turning into a shadow, and Carey reminded me of him. There is so much you can do with that power, and I feel that you will use it to the greatest extent that you can.

    The plot is what intrigued me to your story first. It seems like a mix of dystopian and fantasy. Normally I cannot stand dystopian on its own. I think it is an overused, overrated genre, but the fact that this is mostly fantasy is what I love best. I am also a big fan of twins. I will admit I am not an expert on them, and my love for them does come from Fred and George Weasley. However, I do know about siblings, and you are doing a great job of writing about them. You can really tell the love Carey has for all her siblings, and the fear she has of Lindsay being taken away. Revenge oriented female protagonists are my favorite because they are literally willing to stop at nothing to get what they want.

    January 21, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Reply

    Thanks for commenting! Hehe, my favourite element is probably earth (just because I feel sorry for it, in elemental stories earth always seems to be neglected :P).

    January 21, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 3 Reply

    I was wondering if you intended this to be a full length novel? If you were I would slow down the pacing just by a tad. It's not a problem, but it is just something I would do if this were a full length novel. If it is a novella or a short story then this pacing is perfect. I do like stories that do straight into the plot, so I am not complaining. I really do like your descriptions of the setting, the emotion of the characters, and the cliff hanger at the end of great too. The characters are great too in this chapter. I am beginning to get a feel for their personality. I don't want to say that I know what they would do for certain at this point because I am only two chapters in, and obviously there will be character development. Carey does not seem like the typical main female protagonist. She does not annoy me, which is rare in my opinion. Too many other authors try to give the girls what they think they want, but in reality they just end up making me angry. However, you have made Carey a girl that is understandable and not one that is too harsh, but not one that is too soft, which I think is key. The only think I would add a little bit more is a little more showing and a little less telling. Overall this chapter was great and an enjoyable read. I will continue reading it in my spare time.

    January 22, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Reply

    Yes, I am planning on making this a full novel. In fact, it’ll probably end up being two or three. The first three chapters or so are quite fast paced (simply because it would be boring if Carey just moped around her village for ages, and anyway her main plot can’t really start until she leaves). There are three main characters in this story (the third hasn’t had a POV section yet, although this will change very soon…) and they each have an emotional journey as well as the main plot, so it will end up being rather long :P

    P.S On your comment about showing versus telling, what exactly is it that you think I tell too much of instead of show?

    January 22, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Reply

    What I meant by that is that you can do it a little more in places where you are describing her feelings. Like describe her actions of fear and worry. It's not major. Like it's fine as it is now, but I think this would just help improve it.

    January 23, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Chapter: 8 Reply

    I loved the moment when Rosa called Marvin "Patrick" and his answer - that was hilarious.

    Overall, this chapter was very excellent. The whole situation in the inn was very believable, realistic. The people reacted to Janelle's speech just as I'd expect them to react. I liked how Janelle was struggling to get and maintain their attention on what she had to say and that she didn't meet with much enthusiasm. The moment when the people started showing up in the basement was very heart-lifting, but everything came down crashing when people started asking Janelle what her plan was. And this was another thing I liked in this chapter - it was very logical. If someone wanted to talk me into overthrowing a regime, I'd expect him/her to have a plan of some sorts, at least a sketch of a plan.

    Anyway, it seems that things are starting to look better for the wannabe revolutionists. This chapter was definitely the best of Janelle's appearances for far.

    January 23, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Chapter: 10 Reply

    I'm really wondering what the Leader's true motives are. I'm worried too. Sending Carey of all people outside, to deal with the resistance movement, seems like the worst idea ever, given her Gift, past and her eagerness to escape. I don't think that the Leader is so dumb, that he has no clue about it. Quite the opposite - I suspect he has some ulterior motive. Perhaps he plans to break Carey's spirit somehow.

    The part with Janelle is a bit gloomy - I guess that the weight of the responsibility is too much for her to handle, at least alone, and she will have to understand this soon. I'm really rooting for them and I suspect, they will have new recruits (cough... Carey... cough... 256).

    I was also wondering about Janelle and Samantha. I keep getting the feeling, that there is something more than friendship between the two. Hm, I wonder if it's a false alarm or is there more to it.

    January 23, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Chapter: 4 Reply

    So basically...I ship 256 and Carey already. You did a very nice job creating the tension between them. You also did a very nice job with introducing his character to us. Maybe instead of saying flat out he thought she was pretty you could make it a little more suggestion that gives the reader the idea that he has an interest in her. Like describe how he acts rather than what he says. I don't if it is just me but actions speak louder than words. I say this only because it is fun watching readers panic over the love interests in stories when they think it is going to work out one way, but they have to anticipate it rather than get it right away.

    I really like how you characterized 256 because I feel like I know a lot about his personality because of the way he says things. He does not seem to understand human interactions. He also seems like one of those people who have a grip on what is right and what is wrong, but the struggle with following their own instinct. I always love watching those characters develop.

    I am not  very picky with style as long as it is a grammatically correct and your story so far seems to be. I will get on to the next chapter as soon as I can!

    January 23, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Reply

    Well, to be honest him calling her pretty doesn’t really mean he’s interested in her. He’s just stating a fact :P  Like, I have male friends that I think are physically attractive, but that doesn’t mean I’d consider having a relationship with them, if you know what I mean. The main reason I included that line was because I needed to awkwardly segue into explaining the Gifted’s views on love, attachment, etc. I do know what you mean, though, about actions being more important than words :P I'm planning on rewriting these earlier chapters (except the first, cos I only rewrote that a few weeks ago) soon anyway, so I'll definitely take that into account.

    January 24, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 5 Reply

    I don't really see the Gifted as evil. When I first read your summary I assumed they were the ones being oppressed because in most novels is that not the way it is? The ones that are the most different because they are "better" or "gifted" are the ones that are prosecuted, but I like how in this case it is the opposite. I feel sympathy for 256. He clearly knows more than he his letting on. Carey is a tad on the reckless side, in my opinion. I also like that whatever is on her mind, she blurts out. Of course if she continues to blurt out her plans things are not going to go too smoothly for her. 256 gained my sympathy. I  feel sorry for him, and I can't blame him for the crimes of others.

    Out of curiosity what is exactly is the relationship between Janelle and Samantha. I don't mean to make assumptions, but at times they seem like nothing more than strangers, and  then friends, and then a couple. I was just wondering what your plans with them were.  

    January 23, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Reply

    Janelle and Samantha are close friends, and they have great trust in each other. However, because they’re both so secretive (particularly Samantha) there is a bit of a rift between them sometimes.

    January 24, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 7 Reply

    “I won’t,” she said stubbornly. “I’m strong.”

    “But you’re still human.”

    ________________________________________________________________

    Those were my favorite lines because they held such meaning. Every now and then I think it is important to remind our selves that even the greatest of heroes have their limitations. And that we are all still "human" that there is not life that is worth more than another.

    We can see that 256 really does care about human life, and I think it is important because all the other Gifted seem to think that they are the "lessers", and he has his moments where he had to remind himself that that is what he is supposed to think.

    I love what you did with the powers. How they can only harm you if they touch you. It is new, and everyone has to have a weak point. It would not be a fun story if the seemed invincible because then the main protagonists would seem like they stood no chance.

    January 23, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Chapter: 8 Reply

    For the previous chapters 256 and Carey the feelings seemed one sided and in this chapter you can see Carey start to open up. Especially when she told him her name. In the world that he grew up in (I hope he gets a name soon. I feel like that would liven him up.) no one has a name, and he can tell names are special, so when Carey shares hers with him you can tell it means a lot to him.

    I feel bad for Janelle and Samantha because I think as a writer we all know that feeling just before we think we should give up. That feeling that seems to be trying to take you down with it, is quite possibly the worst feeling in the world because it makes you aware of limitations. I also wish the people in the town would understand that there is strength in numbers. Also I totally related with the weather in this. It is 21 degrees here, to put that into perspective that  is about -6 degrees for you, and I live in the south of USA (We are about to have the coldest night all year tonight.)! So I can totally relate with Samantha's and Janelle's pain.

    January 23, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Reply

    Heh, I’m glad their coldness was relatable :P I live in western australia and it’s incredibly hot and dry here, even in the winter it's still not very cold. I’ve never even seen snow, so when I wrote about it in this story I just had to fumble along with my knowledge from books and movies XD

    January 24, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 9 Reply

    At first I questioned the thought of Janelle being leader. She seems to doing things based off of emotions rather than thinking them through. I mean me saying that is like the pot calling the kettle black. My first pick would have been Samantha, but because she does not carry the aura of a leader I suppose Janelle was in fact a decent choice.

    My only complaint was that there was no 256 and Carey. This happens to me every time I read something. I get so invested in the love lives of fictional characters.

    Also I keep on forgetting to put this in my comments, but have you read Divergent? Because the relationship between 256 and Carey kind of remind of the characters in there, but of course...in case you were going to read or have not gotten to final book I'm not going to spoil it like I was about to. Let me just say I certainly hope their relationship does not end up like the one from Divergent.

    January 23, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Reply

    No I can't say I have read that book. I googled it though, it looks interesting. I might check it out later :P

    January 24, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 10 Reply

    I think it's nice how 256 is worried that Carey is not ready. It implies that he cares what happens to her. I mean this is probably the first time he has let anyone get close to him. He also does not have his heart as guarded as I thought him to have. In his situation most people would be shielding their heart like crazy, but every now and then we can see cracks in his armor. I think that is because 256 is not very sure how emotions work because he has just said yes to everything.

    Janelle is becoming a sad creature. Her heart is the most guarded. She does not want to let anyone in. When James and Emma tried to get in she wouldn't let them. It's funny how the one who had once been loved is the one with the shield, but I suppose that is because she knows the pain that it will cost her to lose the people she loves and 256 has never felt it before.

    January 23, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Chapter: 11 Reply

    I figured Marvin must have been either gifted or have had some connection with them. I thought this when he said his name was Marvin to his sister because the Gifted have numbers not names, so he must not have had a fixed name.

    Poor Carey. She almost escaped, but I also guessed that she would not. Mostly because that would mean her leaving 256, which I don't see happening. I also liked how she was careful to take care of him in a subtle way. By not taking all the provisions she was ensuring his survival. I think it is important for Carey to understand that there is good in this world of Gifted and not everything is as black and white as it may seem.

    I did not expect so much emotion from Janelle. I always see her as someone who is hard to break, but there is nothing worse than seeming someone who seems invincible break down. It makes you feel like there is nothing you can do.

    January 23, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Chapter: 12 Reply

    I really want to know what it is 256 did that he thinks he deserved whatever he got. Obviously it wasn't good. I don't sense much animosity between the two boys, but I think that is because 256 struggles to come to terms with emotions. I don't think he could identify a single one of his emotions if he tried. He is too used to doing his duty for others that he forgets that he has a duty to himself. Every now and then I will see Carey warm up to him, but then then she reverts back to being snarky towards him.

    I am glad to see that the POVs are beginning to connect. I like it when they all start to connect because after a while it is hard to keep up with story jumping around wildly. It's not too bad when it is just two or three.

    January 23, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Reply

    Thanks for all the comments! The point of views are very close to intersecting… Hint: something important may happen in chapter twelve ;)

    January 24, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 11 Reply

    I liked the descriptions of 256, Janelle and Samantha. They (the descriptions) appeared a bit late in the story, but better late than never.

    I expected Carey to come back - after all she's destined to make 256 join the dark side (at least that's my suspicion. They will find out about the resistance and then join). The whole scene of the escape was really nice, with Carey's inner turmoil. If I was her, I'd devise a way of navigating myself home, but she's a village girl - she has the excuse. About her being the village girl, I noticed she used the term: "hypothermia". The name for the condition has been devised quite recently and I doubt that the medicine in the world of the "Gifted" is developed enough for the villages to know such words (they don't even have plumbing and electricity, right). I'd refer to hypothermia as: death of cold or frozen to death.

    Marvin spilled the beans in this chapter ;-) Now I'm almost sure that Samantha is Gifted. She's far too mysterious and I get the "witch-vibes" from her. If it turned out that Marvin wasn't the one with the Gift, she might have avoided my suspicion.

    Overall, it was a fine chapter - there was a scene, which made me hold my breath, some great descriptions, revelations. Everything was there.

    January 25, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Oops, that was a dumb mistake XD The world is actually a mixture of different eras then a completely medievalish society (some of the larger towns are more like early Victorian era levels of technology, while village’s like Carey’s and Janelle’s are still pretty much medieval), but still, they definitely wouldn’t have that advanced medicine XD

    January 26, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 13 Reply

    Oh my God, has the rebellion begun? I am excited to see all the characters meet, and how they will interact with each other. Also how old are James and Emma? I was just curious about that. With Janelle it's like three steps forward and a mile back. I feel bad for her, and I have started to have assumptions about her sister. The fact that James emphasized the huge age difference between Janelle and her sister makes me think of something else. Your James is so different from my James that it is very amusing for me to read.

    Carey does not seem like the type to betray 256. I think if she does not have a romantic interest in him she still cares a great deal about him. If you are taken away from your home and there is only one person who has truly acted as your friend then you generally form an attachment. I can see that attachment between those two clearly, and I like it. I think that anticipation of them getting together is the best part. I love the anticipation in books for the characters to get together. It's so heart wrenching because you know it is going to happen but at the same time every thing that hurts them hurts the reader.

    January 25, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Reply

    James is 25 and Emma is 21. As for Carey, well… Her family and going home is more important to her than a guy she’s known for a few months :P So even though she feels sad and guilty over leaving him, that doesn’t mean she’s not willing to try it. And besides, even though if she were to escape she’d technically  be betraying him, he did kidnap her, so she doesn’t owe him anything XD

    January 25, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 12 Reply

    Great chapter.

    So far, 256 is my favorite character. I'm enjoying reading about him second-guessing all the years of brainwash, we went through. He started as a bad guy, but he's getting more and more likeable with every chapter. His infatuation with Carey is plainly amusing (I can't wait to read more about it), as well as his sudden shyness. He's definitely the most interesting person around, mainly thanks to his internal conflict between his destiny, loyalty to the Gifted and his conscience. Carey seems to be a trigger, which would help 256 find the courage to think for himself (what is he doing currently) and act according to what HE thinks is right.

    Carey's reaction to her new tasks was natural - I suppose I'd behave the same way in her situation. I'm rooting for her to keep her spirit unyielding as she did up to this point.As the rebellion is going to start in the Lake Village, the confrontation between the rebels and my favorite pair of Gifted is inevitable. Now, that will be fun.

    January 26, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Chapter: 13 Reply

    The rebels attacked! How exciting.

    Okay, let's review this chapter.

    Janelle's part was quite pessimistic, but it's perfectly in order for the leader to have doubts and fear failure. I'm a bit surprised how the other rebels can be so carefree about the mission - the future of the unGifted depends on it! (I'm with Janelle on this one) I found it a bit uncomfortable how the members of resistance were prying into Janelle's past, behaving like gossiping grannies. Somehow this made me relate to Janelle more - I understand why she's so hesitant to socialize with her fellow rebels and why she's sometimes tired of their company; I would feel that way too.

    The cliffhanger at the end of the chapter was great - I planned to read and review two chapter today, but it looks like I'll have to change my plans, because the ending made me too curious. I didn't expect Janelle to find Carey first - I thought it would be the other way round. I suspected that 256 and Carey will track the resistance down and then somehow join. However, I like to be surprised - it's more interesting this way.

    Overall, a nice chapter!

    January 26, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Chapter: 14 Reply

    I was waiting for the first confrontation between the Gifted and the rebels - battles and brawls are number one on my list of favorite moments in fantasy books.

    I absolutely loved Janelle's behavior at the beginning of the fight - she was very nervous (what was understandable) and even gave an extremely cliche "hero-speech", what made me amused. I think that the speech contained all the best lines from similar ones - "this has gone for too long", "children". However, I liked it, because I suspect that a beginner at rebelling would be tempted to come up with such a speech.

    Carey's fighting career wasn't too long, but that was expected - after all, she's a village girl after a crash-curs in fencing. And, she was unlucky enough to get in Janelle's way. Anyway, it would be unrealistic if she did well in her first real fight, so I'm glad that it ended the way it did.

    And...256! He brought some real action into the chapter with his kung-fu. The fight sequence was good and kept me on the edge of my seat. I was glad that 256 didn't hesitate to beat Janelle up (I'm not going to lie, I was cheering him on, although I wanted the rebels to win).

    As for the fight in general, it was brief, but you did well with describing the action scene. There were emotions there, nice blows and kicks. It was great to read about how the Gifts could be used in real life combat. I think Janelle was taught a painful, but much needed lesson. I feel sorry for the other rebels, but then again I remember how careless they were about this mission. Even a fool should know that if an enemy has an advantage, you MUST have a plan, a ruse.

    Summing up, great action. It was worth waiting for it.

    January 26, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    I’m glad you liked Janelle’s behaviour. When making her decisions she thinks “what would a leader do” instead of “what would I/we do”, and because of that she rushes into this rebellion and screws up rather epically XD Heh, if Carey had been up against anyone else (except Samantha and Janelle) she probably would have stood a chance. She’s unlucky in that way XD

    January 27, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 15 Reply

    Seven dead rebels and not one Gifted killed? I feel bad for Janelle - this mission was an epic failure.

    The scene where 256 was tending to Carey's wounds was very good - tender and had an obligatory amount of dirty thoughts (okay, not so dirty). The development of 256's character is progressing and I even got a fine look into his past. The boy had a rather traumatic experience, huh? Poor lad.

    The whole conversation with 440 was very tense and really interesting - I kept praying for 440 to leave Carey out of this and to just leave.

    By the way, I'm curious if 256 will get a proper name in the future (don't tell me!). Referring to him as a number  is definitely awkward. Perhaps, he'll get a name from Carey some day.

    Now to Janelle's part. In this chapter her POV was a firecracker. In the beginning, I found her POVs much less interesting than Carey's, but, fortunately, it changed. Her evolution from a feisty girl, who wants to oppose the Gifted, to the leader of the resistance is amazing. The best is that it progresses naturally. As a leader, she hit the rock bottom now, but I believe, she'll rise like a phoenix from the ashes.

    About Janelle's daughter, that was a complete surprise. Usually, I'm quite suspicious about everything and everyone, but I didn't see that coming. Good job.

     

    January 27, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Well, they did actually kill one Gifted woman (the one who was chasing Janelle and Samantha in the last chapter, Samantha killed her) but 256 doesn’t know about that yet :P It’s funny, I thought I was about as subtle as a sledgehammer about Janelle’s daughter, especially in chapter 11 it was very blatant… But only one person who’s read this actually picked up on it, so now I’m not so sure XD

    January 27, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 14 Reply

    That was a distressing chapter. I mean I knew not everyone would make it out alive, but there is always something about the kinder ones dying that touches hearts. I also think the fact that James died (I couldn't help but feel a bias towards him; even though, he was nothing like my James). The fact that Emma died was awful. To be honest I saw her death coming once you began writing about her fighting. I knew she would not be strong enough.

    256 is frightening when he wants to be. I am so used to him being the kindhearted boy one minute and then a robot following duty the next, but seeing him get violent was terrifying. The moment you see just how dangerous the kind ones really are is when you realize they are capable of total destruction, but I suppose a part of him is damaged. I think that is also what makes him so dangerous. He know that he can survive. Cassandra Clare (author of The Mortal Instruments and The Infernal Devices) put into better words. I am just paraphrasing what she said.

    Carey seems a brave. People confuse reckless with bravery, but I have noticed from the way she acts that she is brave. I generally have a negative attitude towards recklessness. Those characters just drive me up the walls because they think they are being selfish when is reality they are just acting on impulse. But I am pleased to see that Carey is still as brave as I thought she was in the beginning.

    January 27, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Reply

    Heh, yeah the kind ones are the people you need to look out for :P I don’t know if you’ve seen/read this, but the anime Rurouni Kenshin is a great example of this. Kenshin is generally passive and avoids fighting unless it will save lives, but when you hurt the people he cares about… Nothing will protect you from his rage XD

    January 27, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 16 Reply

    Wow, that was an action-packed chapter. The pacing was great, there wasn't a moment when the pace slowed down.

    The scene at the beginning, with 256 and Carey, was simply adorable - I felt really bad for 256, even though I was rooting for Carey to escape at last. You did well with portraying the emotions and the blossoming feeling in 256's heart.

    Now, Carey's escape. The moment when 440 was about to rape her was very nerve-wrecking and kept me on the edge of the seat. Once again, great action descriptions. The scene was vivid and evoked a lot of emotional response ("someone save her!"). I was holding my breath when Carey was speeding down the streets and the confrontation with 256 was an excellent climax to the frantic escape.

    The fighting sequence was good and, oh, those emotions... I half-expected 256 to go with Carey (after the struggle). I really wished he would go with her, but it would be far more interesting with them on the opposing sides. The scene was awfully dramatic (in a good way). So far, this chapter was the best.

    January 28, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Heh, I must admit I am a  bit of a drama queen XD Thanks for reading!

    January 29, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 17 Reply

    256, no! Gosh, that was horrible; poor boy. Anyway, the scene of 256 facing the consequences of his hero-like actions was damn excellent. My attention was solely on reading one paragraph after another - it was really interesting and exciting, unfortunately in a sad way. The way you portrayed 256's feelings and thoughts was fantastic. I could really relate to 256 and experience everything he does as I read the chapter. I found myself completely immersed in the chapter.

    The rest of it wasn't worse - Carey had some bad luck (although I believe it will turn out to be good luck in the end) with stumbling upon the tavern. Her way of thinking was legit; a village girl could not know how to hunt, it's understandable and it's good you made her mention that.

    Marvin voiced my thoughts on the leadership in the resistance. I felt sorry for Janelle struggling to lead and I was beginning to have enough of her mopping around (although it was very natural and justified). It seems like my wish has been granted and there will be some action in the next chapter, which will distract her from having a leader's depression.

    Now about the story in general. So far, it's an awfully good story, definitely in top five of the stories I read on the writing sites for amateurs. The pacing is good, as well as the characters. The plot is well-thought out as well and fairly interesting. It's not overly complicated, but still grants some unexpected turns of events. I had some predictions about the story, but not all of them were right (fortunately - I like surprises). At the moment, I predict that Carey will convince Janelle that they're on the same sides. Then, the next mission of the resistance will be to retrieve 256, who will become a new member of the resistance (I guess he wouldn't have a choice).

    Anyway, the story gets better with every chapter.

    January 28, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Aww, thank you :D I’m really glad you’re enjoying it, it means a lot to me. Sorry for being a bit lazy with my reviews on your story, by the way. 6 am starts at work and I are not a good mix, but I have the next few days off so hopefully I’ll be able to comment a lot more. At least, that’s my plan :)

    January 29, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 18 Reply

    You have a typo here: she's, not he's

    "Plus, if we talk to her and gain her trust first, it'll become apparent if he's a threat or not, and then we can take her hostage."

    I was a bit surprised that Janelle was sure right away that Carey is independently in the inn. I expected her to be more suspicious, especially in the light of the past events. It could have been a trap, Carey could have been a bait. I thought Janelle assumed she was okay just too soon.

    Now the part from Carey's POV was very good. It was believable, Carey's behavior was natural and justified. Samantha's story intrigued me and instilled the conviction, that she's a Gifted. I don't think it's a gift of fire though. I also have the feeling that the part about her single mother was inspired by Janelle's story. However, I'm anxious to drag her secret out, I'm sure it will prove far more interesting than Marvin's.

    One more thing came to my mind (actually it was a longer while ago) regarding Janelle and Samantha. Their hair colors, feisty spirit versus calm, deadly woman... have you watched One Piece by the chance?

     

    January 30, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Heh, honestly that part of the chapter was very lazy of me :P At some point I’ll go back and rewrite it. And I haven’t seen One Piece, although it’s one of those things I’ve always planned on watching but never got round to it.

    January 30, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 15 Reply

    Can I just start off by saying I was right! I thought Janelle was lying about her having a sister. The ages didn't add up, and when James mentioned something about it I knew something was up (always trust people named James, which is yet another bias). The poor girl lost her daughter. I can't say I know of the feeling, but a biology teacher at my school last year lost her daughter, and I could tell from the way she acted that her pain was unimaginable, and that hopefully I would never have to feel anything like that.

    So I saw Frozen a few weeks ago, and all I can say is that the quote from Olaf where is he like love is putting other's needs before  yours, and the fact that 256's first concern was not him self makes me think that this is going to be a great pair. I wonder what happened with his past. Did he fall in love before? Or was it more political?

    January 30, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Reply

    It’s funny, I thought I was really blatant about Janelle’s daughter, but so far you’re the only person who’s actually picked up on it… :P And OMG I LOVE FROZEN!!!!!!! Sorry, I’m an animation junkie :P

    January 30, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 16 Reply

    What an exciting chapter! Ugh, the feels were strong with this one. I can't believe the emotional capacity of 256. When we were first introduced to this character I knew he would grow, but I didn't know it would be this quickly or that I would like him as much as I do. He seemed like a tortured soul, and I have a small weakness for them. I can't believe he didn't go with her! I mean I can believe it, I just wish he had. I am sure they will meet again, or else this would be a very sad ending.

    I am excited to see where their story line is going. I want to know if Carey will run into the rebels again, but this time will she join them? And if and when 256 will see her again. This story is getting to its best part. I am going to go ahead and read whatever much I can today because I need to know.

    January 30, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Chapter: 17 Reply

    So Carey has made it to the rebels and Janelle is out of her funk! I am so glad that Janelle was not one of those characters that decided to punish themselves by drinking and creating scenes. I have read way to many books where that is the outcome. I am glad Janelle wallowed in self pity and blame because that is what a classic hero (I mean a hero from before the 2000s) would do. I am also glad to see that Janelle is taking control of her mission once again. It wouldn't feel right if anyone else did it.

    So I wonder what they are going to do to Carey. They are at a particularly vulnerable time in their lives, which makes me think they will react irrationally or in a sense a perfect rational sense. It is dangerous to trust, but at the same time it is necessary, and if they want to be able to take down the Gifted why not use the help of someone who knows them personally.

    January 30, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Chapter: 18 Reply

    Oh no, poor Carey! I would be kicking myself too, but I could tell that she was so eager to trust someone. Also I must commend the lies told there. Everything seemed so calculated. I don't know if I would have been able to lie like that, or if anyone would have really.

    I don't know how Carey will get out of this mess. She is not a talented fighter, and she does not seem very strong. Perhaps she should have stayed and learned a little more from 256. I hate calculating people, yet I admire them at the same time. I am paradox. I love the intelligence it took to pull that off, but at the same time I felt so bad fore Carey. However I am glad it was done with intelligence rather than fighting because novels these days always are action filled without showing it is possible to outsmart your enemy.

    January 30, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Chapter: 19 Reply

    Samantha is making me slightly mad. I still don't like the way she treated Carey, but I suppose it would have been foolish having her guard down. I loved seeing the way Carey reacted to knowing all that 256 had done for her. It was humbling moment for her, and I think she needed that.

    I also like the fact that Janelle is trying to be warmer towards other people. I hope she gets her daughter back, so maybe she can have the happiness she deserves. Your story is turning quite dark. I enjoy reading stuff of this nature not stuff where everything ends up happy. I mean I still like a happy ending, but I don't want everything to be perfect because that is unrealistic.

    January 30, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Reply

    Heh, Samantha isn’t very nice to Carey, she doesn’t like her very much. She’s even worse in the next chapter XD

    January 30, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 19 Reply

    Another fine chapter.

    Janelle and the whole resistance appeared to me far more serious than in the previous chapters. The way Janelle acts and things has changed a bit - now I can see clearly her transformation from the girl, who has no clue what to do, into a responsible leader. I liked how Carey was interrogated - Janelle and the others treated her with a certain dose of respect and kindness. I found it very different to the way, the Gifted treated 256 when it became clear that he let Carey go. The contrast is very good - it shows which cause is just.

    Carey's, Janelle's and the others' behavior was very natural. I didn't spot any inconsistencies or awkward moments, so it's fine.

    I can't wait for Samantha to reveal her secret. I know that she's Gifted (I hope I'm right), but I need a confirmation. By the way, I like that you didn't reveal it quickly like with Marvin. I was half-expecting to find out about Samantha a couple of chapters ago, but it keeps eluding. Good job with it. I think that it would be fine to let Samantha keep her secrets for about 3 chapters more.

    At the end, Janelle displayed some realistic and logical thinking when she told Carey that her village is probably spied on. That was something I would expect of a leader of resistance. Go, Janelle!

    January 30, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Hehe, there's still a few chapters to go until Samantha's secret is completely revealed :P But it will be revealed quite soon, I promise ;)

    January 30, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 20 Reply

    And it finally happened - Carey joined the rebels. I liked the way Janelle behaved; it was fun to read about that smug smirk on her face. Carey showed some brains in this chapter. Going straight to her village would be the stupidest thing to do and it's very good, she realized that. Actually, she doesn't have any choice other than join Janelle - the only other option would be hiding in the forest alone (not the best idea).

    Samantha at the end of the chapter made me gasp; she's really a dangerous one (and is Gifted for sure). I have another suspect in the rebels' ranks as well. I noticed that Carey thought that there was something disturbing in Samantha, who I believe to be Gifted. And, she saw something odd in Raegan. I guess she's sensing the Gift, the same way Assessors do when they snatch babies. Therefore, there is a spy in the resistance's ranks. Gosh, I'm wonder if I'm right.

    February 1, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Chapter: 21 Reply

    Wow, that was great. The flashback helped understand 256 a lot - it's sad that he coped with the childhood trauma with pushing the memories out of his mind. However, it's very common among people who experienced something horrible. 256 is definitely the character who got developed the most in the "Gifted". With every passing chapter with him, he appears more and more human - he has feelings, doubts. He had friends, but he lost them. I feel pity for him, but at the same time I hope that he'll use his bad experiences to make himself stronger and find the courage to do what is really right. It was very dramatic how he felt torn between his duty and his feelings for his friend, instructor and Carey. The life, he led, was quite miserable... 

    I'm curious about the mission. I suspect that in the future 256 will meet Carey (and it will surely get interesting). 805 is an intriguing man - he's a bit of an enigma. I have the feeling that he may have his own agenda, but he's really dangerous.

    Now about the Gifted in general. I like how you portrayed "the antagonists". The Gifted are not some nameless evil, but are humans, just like the rest of the population - they have the same feelings, the same thoughts (the only difference is that they're brainwashed). What Carey said in the previous chapter sums them up perfectly: "Their greatest weakness is that they're still human". I think some Gifted may even join Janelle's cause. There has to be more Gifted thinking like 256. After all, a life without any attachments, without love and friendship, is unnatural and sad. The Gifted themselves are not the bad ones, it's the regime itself that needs to be vanquished. I really root for Janelle to succeed. I wonder if she'll meet her daughter someday.

    February 1, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    I’m really glad you liked this chapter, I was afraid people wouldn’t. I showed it to my sister and she accused it of being too angsty, so I was worried XD

    February 3, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 22 Reply

    I have the impression that you're dropping more hints about Raegan in this chapter ;-) And, I suspect that the little trip won't be very safe - an ambush is practically certain.

    805 creeped me out in this chapter. I was thinking just as 256 did - first, I started seeing 805 as a man of duty who's just and good at heart. I even suspected that he may want to do some reforms within the Council and the way the Gifted are trained, the way they live. But, when he killed that poor woman in cold blood, I changed my mind about him instantly - he's a ruthless ... guy (I don't want to curse heavily). That woman was defenseless! She only wanted to get help for her baby and she died because of that? Seriously, someone has to put an end to this. I'm voting for the resistance!

    Now my impressions of the first 20 chapters of the book.

    The characters.

    Nice job with all the characters, most of them are three-dimensional and some of them even harbor a secret (Samantha, Janelle's kid). My favorite is of course 256, who is developed excellently. The female characters show great strength of spirit and are interesting. I'm impressed by Janelle's change from a feisty villager to a responsible leader of the resistance. Samantha is a female Terminator with a dark secret. Carey started out well already - her stubbornness and the determination to resist captured my heart from the beginning. First, she was a little foolish, but with time she learn how to use her brain. And that is the greatest advantage of your characters - they learn, they change, they become better instead of staying the same during the whole book. My only complaint would be the shortage of interesting male characters. 256 is excellent, but Marvin isn't that thrilling. For now, I perceive 4 people as main characters - Carey, Janelle, 256 and Samantha (although she doesn't have her own POVs, but she's interesting).

    The Plot

    No complaints here. The plot is consistent and logical. There are exciting moments, action scenes. There is drama, shocking moments, blood and even some light romance (at least 256 would want some). The events are believable and the odds are usually not in the heroes' favor.

    Pacing

    Good, I didn't feel bored yet. More, I often held my breath when clicking "next chapter".

    Overall you're writing a nice book!

    February 1, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Why can’t he be both? I feel like the smart Mexican kid (you may or may not know what that is… XD) But yeah, he is pretty ruthless. To be honest he has to be, or he never would have gotten in the position he’s in. As for the lack of interesting male characters, I hope I can remedy this soon… Reagan and 805 are both very important characters, I hope they are interesting as they appear more :P

    February 3, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 20 Reply

    So Samantha's story was true? I mean it had to be for her threaten Carey like that. I love the fact that Carey says their weakness is that they are still human. I feel she only said that because beneath 256 he was still human, and she is a little blinded by that, but I suppose that's what happens when you get close to someone.

    I don't think I like Samantha anymore, which is not a bad thing. Too many authors work on making every character too likeable. That's annoying because we are supposed to be seeing this story through someone else's eyes, and it would be unrealistic if the character liked every single person he/she came in contact with. I think you do an nice job with characterization in all your chapters. I struggle to make sure that my characters don't come off as bipolar, and to see you do it with ease makes me jealous.

    I really want 256 and Carey to meet again because I feel emotionally invested in their romance (don't judge me, but I always get too emotionally invested in fictional characters' lives). The pace is beginning to pick up like it did in the beginning because in the middle it slowed down again, and I like that because when you start off with a fast pace story you should keep it fast paced or else it just seems sloppy.

    I am going to try to comment more frequently, but school just started back up again after our week off because of snow, so we are making up a bunch of tests and things of that nature.

    February 3, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Reply

    Lol I don’t judge you. I also get really invested in things. I cried for days after my ex-favourite manga didn’t end the way I wanted it to (surprisingly, the characters I liked ended up together but the way it happened was just horrible). Ugh, I get so angry just thinking about it XD I didn’t really like love triangles before I read that thing, but now I absolutely can’t stand them :P But anyway, 256 and Carey aren’t going to meet again for quite a while (if they do at all). Sorry :3

    Heh, I like my characters to seem human. Which means some like them, some don’t. As for Samantha’s story, all will be revealed very soon… XD

    February 3, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 23 Reply

    Nice decoy. So Thomas was Gifted all along, not Samantha... Come to think of that it was a bit suspicious how Sam refused to let Janelle visit her brother. Gift of fire is quite useful when you're a blacksmith, huh?

    Now back to my favorite 256. His companion (805, right) send shiver down my spine - seriously, he creeps me out. He's so ruthless, so twisted... it got me horrified when he voiced his opinion about how disposable the unGifted are and that only punishment for them is death. It really made me worry for 256's future. He may either somehow escape 805's grasp or fall under his influence and become a cold-blooded killer himself. I know it's not exactly good, but I vote for the second option, it would be more exciting (and I often root for a villain).

    It's sad how Carey's talent seem to be useless in combat. Invisibility could come in handy during missions or assassinations (and evacuations), but not in a simple fight. Anyway, there was some nice action in her POV, some dramatic revelations and it was interesting to read.

    February 4, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Heh, it would be pretty useful if he could control it, but he can’t (that’s why his hands are all burnt) :P

    As for 805, well, that opinion isn’t really his opinion… It’s the Council’s, and he feels he has no choice but to act on it because it’s his duty. That’s why after he voices that opinion he says that it doesn’t matter what he wants, that’s the way the world is. His own views on the nonGifted are much more complex than that, which will be hinted at in the next chapter... ;) I don’t know if I made that very clear… :P

    February 4, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 21 Reply

    My heart really goes out to 256. I was wondering what had happened all those years ago and now that we know I feel like he was too caring for a group like this. He has too much heart. I was so wrong about him in the beginning. When we were first introduced I was convinced that he was stone cold and that Carey would have to coax him into being able to feel. I am quite glad to know that I was wrong. I am tired of boys who act emotionless, but when they meet a girl they suddenly have all these feelings.

    Knowing that he and 440 were that close once is unfathomable to me. It's just so painful knowing that there was one person who cared about you and now that one person hates the living daylights out of you. I am trying to decide if 440 is incorrigible. I hope he is not because I do like it when characters like his are able to see redemption.

    I am so close to actually catching up to where you are currently! I thought I was so behind because I was working on the chapter I had to put up today. I work on a schedule so every 4th and 20th of the month. I wanted to read more, but today just happened to be the 4th, so I couldn't, but I will tomorrow.

    February 4, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Reply

    Heh, I made him the way he is because I’m sick of those kind of characters. I figured everyone would expect him to be some brooding, troubled bad boy (back in chapter two, when he took her away). So when he had his POV in chapter three I made sure to show he wasn’t like that at all, and then he’s revealed to be even less and less like people would expect :P

     As for 440, he’s pretty much past the point of no return, really. His psyche is too far broken for him to go back to the way he was. That doesn’t mean he can’t achieve some form of redemption, but realistically when someone gets to that level of psychological damage there’s no going back. However, I wouldn’t say he hates 256, he just really wants to hate him :P

    February 4, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 22 Reply

    "I agree, attachments are a weakness"...ouch! A little harsh don't you think?  Of course, this is the thinking of the Gifted and not the way we are brought up to think. We are brought up to think that love salvages everything. As long as you have that you are fine, but I forget that the Gifted aren't. When 805 said he would not kill 256 for a slightest mistake I thought he was kinder than he turned out to be. I can't believe he just slit her throat, and she just wanted to help her son! The lives of these people are so sad! Your descriptions are great as usual!

    I really hope Janelle gets her daughter back, but by the looks of her recruits I can't say I am optimistic. However, I am sure they will power through. Mostly because it would be an awful story of the good guys lost. I don't read things unless they have happy endings. Anyway this was an enjoyable read and complemented my proper southern sweet tea!

     

    February 5, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Reply

    Heh, it is a little harsh. Although to be honest there is some truth to it (after all, there’s a reason why military organisations, etc etc generally have an anti-fraternization rule). If there’s someone you love, then your enemy can use them against you XD As for 805, he’s pretty ruthless when it comes to rule-breaking, but he is quite gentle at heart (very, very deep down :P).

    February 6, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 23 Reply

    I am getting very annoyed with this website! It has exited me out three times while writing this review!

    I really like 805's character because it reminds of me Ron Weasley. He was a good person, but if you take a closer look at him he was a racist. He balked at Lupin when he found out he was a werewolf, but eventually came around. He also said house elves like the conditions they are in and that they should be there, but in Deathly Hallows he talks about saving them. This shows that even good people can have bad qualities. I feel that 805 is kind of like that. He treats the Gifted with equality, but he does kill that woman.

    So Carey is becoming one my favorite characters. Mostly because I see the most character development with her. In the beginning I could not see her saving anyone, but now I can see her as some sort of revolutionary. Before I thought she was a bit selfish, but aren't we all? She is becoming selfless and more like the female characters I want to read about! Good job!

    February 6, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Reply

    Haha Ron XD I can’t say I meant 805 to remind people of him (I was more thinking of Stannis from Game of Thrones as the main inspiration for him). I laughed very hard at that :P But yeah, they are similar in that sense. The rest of their personalities, though… not so much XD Most of the characters in this story are “racist” (they’re not really different races, but it’s a similar concept) but it is quite prominent with him :P

    Anyway, I’m  glad you like Carey. Like you say, everyone is a little selfish, but I’m happy that you think her character has grown :)

    February 6, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 24 Reply

    Now that was intriguing.

    Firstly, the scene with Carey was nicely emotion-evoking. The descriptions of the aftermath of the fire and the struggle with the Gifted were well-written and detailed. 440 earned a bit of my compassion when he pleaded for 256's forgiveness - that slightly redeemed the character in my eyes. It was also merciful of Carey that she helped him meet swift end instead of watching him die while suffering. What she did, was the right thing, even though killing someone is worth praise. I also liked that she actually wanted to save him (she mentioned that he was beyond patching him up, there was no way he could have survived). It seems to me that Carey is growing up as a character in the same brutal way as Janelle.

    The brief part with Janelle spiked my suspicions about Raegan. I think it served that purpose.

    As for 256's adventure, I'm curious who the murder's victim will be. The obvious targets would be Carey's family, but it would be easy to wipe them out - as much as I feel sorry for them, they are not worth calling the best of Gifted to do the job.

    805 is constantly under suspicion. I have the impression that he'll do something totally unexpected in the future. I don't like him at all at this point - a person who is ready to cast his ideals away when the situation requires it, is a foul, conceited being. Anyway, I'm curious about him.

    February 6, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Good, your thoughts on Carey’s part of the chapter are exactly what I want people to think :) I wanted to redeem 440 a little, but I didn’t want to excuse what he’s done, because no matter what happened to him it doesn't make what he did okay :P

    As you’ll see in 256’s next POV, they’re not actually committing a murder. They’re investigating one :P

    February 7, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Reply

    No! You gave me a spoiler! Hm, I wonder who's dead then (don't tell me!).

    February 7, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Oh, sorry XD I don't think it's that much of a spoiler, is it? :3 I mean, you don't know who's dead :P

    February 7, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 24 Reply

    Once again this lovely site has logged me out just as soon as I hit post comment.

    So what I basically said before was that:

    I find 256 and Carey to be the most intriguing characters because although I don't think they are a perfect fit for each other they somehow end up completing each other, and I can't wait to see them get together. If they don't I can seem them just being friends as well.

    Well 805 has been drinking I don't really believe in the whole "drunken words are sober thoughts", but I do find it interesting that he does not hate the nongifted as I previously thought. He really does have his heart in the right place, but the only things about his character that bothers me is that he is a hypocrite. I get that we can't like every character though.

    February 8, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Reply

    Lol, that saying is utter rubbish. When someone’s drunk they say stupid things, not reveal their true thoughts XD As a teetotal girl with non-teetotal friends, trust me when I say I know this XD 805 is not drunk in this chapter (I mean, he’s been drinking but he’s obviously not drunk, he’d be a lot more clumsy and out of it if he was). It’s more that his inhibitions have been lowered slightly, so he’s more relaxed and not as uptight as usual :P And also, the idea of him drinking shows how hypocritical he is, because he’s obviously not supposed to drink when he’s working, and thus he’s breaking the rules XD

    February 8, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 25 Reply

    I sense a weird hint about Sam's dad. Just who exactly is he? I just hope that 805 isn't somehow mixed into the family drama (it would be an interesting twist though). Anyway, there's something fishy in Sam's and Tom's family. That Assessor who didn't take Tom away was suspicious too. I'm convinced that 805 may have a connection to Sam, one way or another.

    The whole chapter was nice, even though not much happened. Carey is a really good-hearted person. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't bury a guy who tried to rape me. I can't really imagine how in the earth did she manage to carry a man who was probably much heavier than her. It seemed a bit improbable for me unless Carey is jacked.

    Samantha is slowly gaining my sympathy. That cold-blooded killer image is really cool, especially when put in contrast with her kind, clumsy brother. So far Tom appears to me as a bit Bland character, but I think it's because of his helplessness and because he's surrounded by colorful ladies (Sam and Carey). I'm curious how will he be developed and what role will he play. I can't see him as a fighter, but surely he can do tons of other things in the resistance.

    February 11, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Heh, I must admit I expected people to jump to that conclusion (about Samantha and 805). After all, he’s like the only male character introduced so far in the right age bracket (except Marvin, but it would be apparent already if they had a connection). As for whether it’s true or not… Well, I’m not saying ;)

    It’s strange, originally she dragged him into the grave. When I was editing it, I changed it to her carrying him… I honestly have no idea why I did, dragging makes much more sense XD What can I say? My mind is a strange place sometimes XD

    February 11, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 25 Reply

    I really like the way you portray most of the Gifted because you show them as not exactly evil but not exactly good. I guess the word I would use is misunderstood. They seem like children. They don't really have a proper understanding of the world as well as emotions. Children feel all these things, but they don't know how to react, which is kind of how I see the gifted.

    Carey seems to be more of a rebel in this chapter. She seems to be getting along better with Samantha and the others. Before she was the outsider and now that she is more with the rebels the story really seems to pick up.

    February 11, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Reply

    Hehe, Carey’s beginning to make her way into the group ;) As for the Gifted, I don’t really believe in good and evil (at least, I don’t believe someone can be only one or the other, everyone’s a mixture of the two :3) so I try and portray them as neither.

    February 11, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 26 Reply

    I really wanted to say thank you for explaining what is going on with the rest of the world. That was one thing that really bothered me about The Hunger Games. Like did every other country have their own hunger games? Did they all die? If they are alive, why did they let stuff like this go on? I am just super happy you remembered this detail.

    I also really liked that Janelle showed weakness. It makes her seem more human and less robot. I was a little disappointed to not have any Samantha and Carey in this chapter. I really like their characters.

    February 13, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Reply

    Heh, sometimes I feel that not explaining the what happened to the rest of the world can be intriguing (not so much in something like the Hunger Games, but a favourite manga of mine called Attack on Titan does this). But in things like this there’s no reason why they wouldn’t know about it, so I enjoyed writing about it.

    I’m glad you like Janelle’s part, I must admit I struggled with it. I don’t know why, but it was very difficult to write. As for Samantha/Carey, they had the whole last chapter to themselves, it’s only fair :3

    February 13, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 26 Reply

    I adored the description of the crime scene. It was very gore, but I have a weak spot for it. I also liked the brief mention of the history of the Gifted and that there is world beyond the island (makes sense). I'm excited since I found out that a new, mysterious player joined the ranks of the troublemakers. I'm certain Janelle will come across the "Gifted-killer". My romance detectors tell me that the killer will turn out to be a dashing rogue, who'll comfort Janelle after Raegain reveals himself as a spy (quite a far-fetched theory, huh? You must chuckle while reading it).

    As for the second half of the chapter, it was good as well. I felt terribly sorry for Marvin, who took the news of Rosa's death surprisingly good. The "Malcolm" attack from Raegan was really creepy. Brief explanation: a "Malcolm" is (according to my dad) an evil guy who seduced a woman, usually someone's ex-wife, by comforting her.

    I also found it a little bit disturbing that Raegan is so good with sword already - perhaps he underwent a training already? Or... he's a killer! Hmm, that would be plausible actually. He joined a couple of weeks ago, right. It was probably not long after those Gifted at the village were killed. He could have taken them out with this new fancy weapon and wander to Janelle. However, if this theory is true, I have no clue what his motive may be.

    February 13, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Ah, gore. I love it :D :D

    Well, unless he’s got some serious teleportation skills (spoiler alert: he doesn’t :P), Reagan couldn’t really have gone from killing those two Gifted and finding Janelle’s group in only a few days XD And anyway, he would have been with Janelle’s group for a little bit before they were killed :P

    February 13, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 27 Reply

    Nice, my favorite 256 was in this chapter. I'm eagerly awaiting the moment when the Gifted will get attacked again, preferably by the mysterious murderer. 805 seems like a very bitter man - I can relate to him regarding the broken ideals. His character gained a little bit of my sympathy in this chapter. He made a human-like impression. I also loved how 3... was teasing 256 about his height. I giggled when he got called a 12-year-old girl.

    Janelle has a crush on someone... I'm waiting until it turns out that Raegan is an evil [insert a very offensive word here]. I liked her reasoning - it's good to spar with other people than Sam; I'm glad Janelle is becoming a smart girl.

    Overall, it was more of a filler chapter, but the humor (little girl) and appearance of 256 made up for the lack of action. Actually, it's good to take a break from all the drama from time to time.

    Hurry up with the next chapter ;-) Your book sucked me in. If I ever find it in a bookstore, I'll buy it.

    February 17, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Haha, 805 is definitely a bitter man. He’s very, very bitter and cynical XD Anyway, as an abnormally tall person (I’m over six feet tall and a girl) making fun of short people is one of my favourite hobbies… Heh, all of my short friends in real life must hate me :P I'm rather heightist, I suppose you could say :P

    Gosh, you don’t have much faith in Reagan, do you? XD Hehe, I’m glad you like my story :) I would definitely buy yours if I saw it in a bookstore, too ;)

    February 17, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Reply

    I don't have faith in Raegan at all - there has to be something fishy about him ;-)

    Hmm... tall girls sometimes miss on really great short guys (like my dad - he's really short). As for making fun of us, hobbits, watch out - short people may break your jaw if you make fun of them too much (once again, my peace-loving short dad). Have a nice day! I'll wait for the next chapter to read and revew.

    February 17, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Well, they’d have to reach me first ;) Sorry, that was bad XD I do agree about tall girls missing out on great short guys. I’m heightist, but not that heightist :P I have friends (who are nowhere near as tall as I am) who will absolutely refuse to go out with really nice guys just because they’re shorter than them, and it always annoys me. Although, the short guys are often the same way, only dating girls shorter than them… It is a silly world we live in, us abnormally proportioned people ;) Sorry for rambling, btw.

    February 18, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 27 Reply

    Ugh, the last chapter I will probably review for you did not answer my questions about Carey and 256! I so wanted to see them together, but I guess I will just have to wait when I decide to rejoin, if I ever do. I might just to see how it ended up for her. I also like the fact that Janelle is opening herself (just a teeny tiny bit) to a romantic interest. Personally I think she could use it in her life. God, I hope her daughter is alright. She needs family more than anyone I've ever met. I still want to see Carey and 256 end up together. Hopefully, I'll be able to one day. I am really grateful that you took the time to review my story. I wish you the best of luck in your writing career.

    February 17, 2014 | S S Desai


  • Reply

    Thank you for all the reviews, I am very grateful. I look forward to reading your story if you ever decide to come back here. Good luck with your writing career too! Sorry for not answering your questions about Carey and 256 XD

    February 17, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 28 Reply

    The dialogs in the first part of the chapter seemed a bit forced to me, as though the characters were saying monologs instead of talking with each other. Nevertheless, Thomas gained more sympathy - he stood up to Samantha and showed that he has some balls. My first impression of him was that he was an apathetic, somewhat bland character and it's nice to see him come to live like a blooming flower. Janelle took the news better than I expected, but then again her kid is Gifted, so it made a lot of sense. I suspect that the main purpose of that scene was to make Thomas more likeable and you succeeded.

    Now, my favorite 256 and his misadventures. I was delighted that there was more bloodshed and action. 805 was absolutely cool (lie Bruce Willis). 256 behaved a little like a lost boy, but it's understandable - after all he had his first serious fight in the Lake village only a couple of days ago. I wonder who the other rebels are.

    February 22, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Heh, I always enjoy writing 805’s action scenes :P And Samantha’s as well, actually, because those two are the most ruthless characters, I think, so they will kill a lot more freely… I think Samantha has a higher kill count than most of the other characters combined, but 805 is beginning to catch up to her (at least, in terms of onscreen deaths. In his whole lifetime he's probably killed way more than she has) :3 Sorry for rambling, btw.

    February 23, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 29 Reply

    Michelle? Hmm, it looks like our dear 805 has some dark, romantic secret. I wonder what Sam's mom's name was... (yes, I'm still voting for the "805 is Sam's dad" theory, at least until I get more info).

    The action was great in this chapter, I was on the edge of my seat. 3... (I don't remember the full number) behaved like a cold-blooded evil woman (I don't want to use vulgar language although she deserves it). I still can't get over how ruthless and heartless the Gifted are, or rather they are supposed to be this way.

    You're doing with 805 exactly the same thing you did with 256. He's evolving from bad to badass. I still remember that he killed that poor woman and that he's a hypocrite, but he gains some redeeming character features with every chapter. At first, I absolutely despised him, but now I'm not feeling so negatively about him - I think I may have judged him too harshly.

    February 24, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Heh, I broke my three number rule with her… I thought it was weird all the Gifted characters (the important ones, at least) had 3 digits for their numbers (I did that because they’re easy to read and say). As there’s so many of them and logically they should have higher ones, so I decided to give her a four digit number… But I think I made a mistake, when I do some rewriting later I’ll change hers to a three digit one like the rest of them XD Anyway, she's supposed to be a representation of what "normal" Gifted are like, as the other Gifted characters (256, 805 and 440) are all weird in their own way :P Sadly, ruthlessness and heartlessness often come naturally when people are raised to believe they're superior than everyone else.

    And hey, what if 805 is secretly a woman and is actually her mum? Did you ever consider that?

    ............... Sorry, I have a strange sense of humour… XD Sometimes I think I should just shut up :P

     

    February 25, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Reply

    Is Samantha's mum German then? Huh, that was cruel.

    As for 3-something-something-something, her name is incredibly difficult to remember. I barely managed to remember 256 and 805, but four digits are too much for my poor synapses. I do understand your point. It makes sense if there are more than under 1000 Gifted.

    February 25, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    I don’t know why things like that bother me, honestly XD I should’ve just stuck with minor characters having four digit names, but somewhere in my statistics obsessed brain I decided it was better for her to have one too. Oh well, I’ll change it later :3 Even I can’t remember her number sometimes, I get to a part where I’m supposed to write it and I’m like, wait what was hers? XD She won’t be allowed to join the “thirteen club”, though :3 I don’t know if you noticed (I wouldn't expect anyone to :P) but all of the Gifted characters (except 440) have numbers with digits that add up to thirteen (even Carey did when her number was 355).

    February 25, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 30 Reply

    Good job! You made Samantha much more likeable in this chapter - her concern for Janelle was heart-warming and gained my sympathy, as well as the fact that Sam uses her brain and is tomboyish. At this point of the story, she's the most relatable character for me. She became much more 3-dimensional and there's more to her than just good fighting skill and ruthlessness (and the biggest body count).

    As for the situation with Raegan, Sam voiced all my concerns and feelings, so there's not much to add. I too think that Janelle should be more careful. Raegan got a tiny bit of my pity as it seems, he had been through some rough times and has some traumatic past. However, I'm still suspicious about his true intentions. My current theory is: at one point he was caught by the Gifted and tortured (hence the traumatic experience), but he agreed to collaborate.

    Sam's tale was very entertaining. It definitely caught my interest. Oh, and it's good that Carey is making friends - it's always the best to befriend the toughest kid on the playground.

    February 26, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Heh, Samantha is probably one of the characters that has changed the most over this story so far XD I’m glad she’s relatable.

    February 27, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 31 Reply

    This chapter was mainly talk, no action, but it was enlightening. I liked when Carey asked Janelle what is she planning to do after overthrowing the Gifted. I really appreciate that you make your readers think about the bigger picture - getting rid of the current regime is only a tip of the iceberg when it comes to create a functioning society. Considering that nonGifted are ignorant about politics, models of government and history, it seems like an impossible task.

    I suspect that in the future the Council's Library will be on the rebels' list to attack next. It has been mentioned quite a number of times.

    As for the part with 256, it got me thinking and made me a bit sad. Everything indicates that with time the issue with the Gifted has been distorted and twisted. It seems like in the past the Gifted were blessing for all people, able to maybe help with farming, but with time they became power-hungry and cruel. I really wonder what's the whole history behind the Gifted. I also wonder if 256 will find his family (I suspect he won't).

    PS. If you wish to read Mystic Mirror, the corrected chapters and a new one are up.

    March 4, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Heh, overthrowing the old government is just the first step in a successful revolution ;) That’s why a lot of them fail, honestly. The only thing the revolutionists have in common is that they just want to overthrow the current king/regime/whatever, so then the citizens just end up worse off as they argue what to do next... Anarchy is not a good thing, no matter what a dumb famous movie I watched a few months ago thought…

    I was afraid there was too much dialogue in this chapter, but it was necessary so I’m glad the stuff in it was interesting! :)

    March 4, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 32 Reply

    I very much enjoyed the emotional moment with Janelle - her outburst reminded that even though she's the rebels' leader, she's still just a regular human. The contrast between her and Samantha builds nice dynamics in the story. At this point, I have the impression that Carey is more of an observer/outsider than a part of this group, but I suppose it should be this way.

    Mr 805 is surely an intriguing character. I despised him from the beginning and I find his reasoning hypocritical, but there's a depth in him. I'm anxious to find out what was the deal with Michelle and what secrets from his past he hides.

    256 is a little bleak in the recent chapters. I noticed that, like Carey in the rebels' group, 256 assumed a role of an observer. He seems less active than earlier in the story. Perhaps 805 stole his spotlight.

    March 21, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Haha, at the moment 256 is really more of an observer… I mean, for Carey she’s supposed to be an observer, an outsider, but for him… It’s been bugging me a lot when I’ve been writing these chapters, but he’s just not in a position where he has much influence on the plot :P The rebels couldn’t care less about him, TBH XD I suppose you could say this is 805’s “arc” of the story… At about chapter 32 (which I see you’ve read past) his role diminishes a bit.

    March 21, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 33 Reply

    Oh no! It's Carey's brother, right? 256 will have a tough moral choice in the next chapter. Now back to this one. 805 gets more likeable, even though he's a violent person (or that is the reason I like him more). He showed his passion for the woman he loved and that was quite a slip-up on his part. He's lucky that 334..(is that her number?) wasn't around to hear the incriminating conversation. This scene flashed out how young and naive 256 is. Didn't he know that the most important is not to get caught? Anyway, I suspect that the company of 805 will help 256 revise his view on certain matters.

    Now about Carey's part of the story. I feel proud that Janelle admitted in public that she's a mother. I have a bad feeling about Raegan - I think he genuinely likes Janelle and he feels bad because of what he's planning to do (whatever he plans). Now, about this character in general. Since Carey openly thinks there's something not right with him, it's quite safe to assume that he's a bad guy or at least you want the readers to think that. Anyway, you did a great job dropping the hints from the very beginning - ever since he appeared he was suspicious, but it wasn't overly obvious.

    I wonder what secret he hides...

    March 21, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    I’m glad you got that it was Carey’s brother. I was worried people would forget about him :P And her number is 3349, so you were close ;) I’m gonna change it anyway, so it probably doesn’t matter. And 805 is very, very lucky she didn’t hear… Unlike 256, if she told the Council they might actually listen to her :P As for Reagan, well I can’t say much ;)

    March 21, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 34 Reply

    How exciting!

    The encounter met my expectations, it was a very emotional scene. Weasley snatched my sympathy right away - he appeared as a caring and loving brother, somewhat thirsty for revenge. However, he remained likeable and his rather violent actions were justified. As for 256, the way he tried to reason with Weasley was great, but he became a bit whiny after a while. Fortunately, 805 arrived just in time to spice up the atmosphere.

    256's reaction to 805 attacking Wealey was fantastic; it made me root and cheer for the boy. I felt proud - he found the courage to do what was right and openly defy the rules, even though he was very aware of the consequences. I'm a bit worried about him now, but my faith in him rose, so I believe he'll be fine.

    Now, it's time for a crazy theory for this chapter and one before. 805 seemed a bit too relieved to see 256 alive. I know he might be emotional and feels responsible for some people, but his reaction was odd... as though it was about not almost a stranger, but someone close... like a family member... like a son? Hmm... I guess that 805 just became a suspected father for another of the characters ;-)

    March 21, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Hehe, you have no idea how long I was looking forward to writing this chapter… I’m glad it was exciting. I’m also glad that you think Wesley’s actions were justified. I thought some people might have a case of “protagonist centred morality” and dislike him because of that (even though 256 knows he deserves it…).

    Gosh, 805 certainly has a lot of secret children :P First Samantha, now 256… Well, if he does have a kid it would be only one of them (or neither of them).

    March 21, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 35 Reply

    The mystery of Raegan deepens... You tend to take readers on a rollercoaster ride regarding that character. In one chapter you drop a hint that he's suspicious as hell, only to throw in a heart-breaking story in the next one. His sad memories could make me feel sorry for him, but I suspect they might be fabricated. I don't trust that guy no matter how nice he seems.

    I hope Janelle won't get herself in trouble because of her feelings... Who am I kidding? Of course she will ;-) My theory: she'll fall in love with him, he'll reveal himself as a traitor and then she'll be heartbroken.

    Now a bit about Carey. I like how you mention awkward aspects of her talent. It seems that being invisible is cool, but I never actually considered how does it feel when you can't see the body.

    March 21, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Well, even if he is a traitor/something else he is still a person, with his own motivations for doing things… I don’t really believe in “good guys” and “bad guys” because I think there are very few people who are that simple ;) So he is quite suspicious, but at the same time he has certain motivations for everything he does :P

    As for the invisibility thing, it’s just something that bugs me about the whole power in general. Because they never really explain how the invisible person is able to pull of these amazing feats when they have no idea where their body is… I mean, with practice sure you’d probably get used to it, like if someone was blind I'm sure with some practice they could fight quite well, but at the beginning you’d have no chance ;)

    March 21, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 36 Reply

    It was great to have the opportunity to read more chapters at once. But it sucks that I've read the last one so quickly.

    This chapter was strangely heartwarming and 805 was behaving even more suspicious. I'm not very fond of the suicidal sub-plot when it comes to 256 and 805, so it made me want to smack both with a shovel. However, the bonding time was great. Those two surely have a lot in common; nevertheless 805 is behaving too affectionate, fueling my theory from my last review. I expected him to at least scold 256 for his action. Instead, he was awfully calm and kept ruffling 256's hair. If he's not his dad, it's creepy ;-)

    March 21, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Thanks for reading so many chapters! I will try to get to your story hopefully later today, but I have a lot of study to do… But then, I am an avid procrastinator ;)

    I was kind of hesitant over whether to include the suicide stuff, because it’s such a touchy subject… But it made sense to have it, so I did. I’m not sure if I pulled it off okay though, so I may take it out or at least downplay it when I get to rewriting.

    Well, 805 was angry at him (at least, for getting himself beaten up) but he was more worried, I suppose, which is why he was rather affectionate :P I probably should have made him a little angrier ;) I have lots of fun writing about 256 and 805 because they’re very similar, but at the same time they’re also very different… Anyway, as for the whole "805 is his dad" thing, biology may not play a part in it (or maybe it does, who knows XD).

    March 21, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 1 Reply

    I can't believe I'm only just now getting around to reading this! Gah, I need more free time! I keep finding things here that I really want to read! Anyway, great start! I like the plot you've got going so far. It makes me think of a sort of crossover between The Last Airbender and The Hunger Games. I'm interested to see where it goes.

    I like Carey, especially the fact that she's just a normal, everyday girl living in a crappy world with dreams of having something more. She's not starting out as a badass warrior woman with a crossbow, bent on overthrowing the Gifted. She's just an average farm girl, so good job there. Also, while I fully expected her to end up being Gifted, I didn't see it coming up so soon so you managed to surprise me with that.

    I think Janelle and Sam's (May I call her Sam?) two woman rebellion is going to need a little more support before it can get off the ground. Still, every revolution has to start somewhere, right? I'm interested to see what kind of mischief these girls will be getting into.

    March 22, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comment! :) Hehe, most of the time I get people telling me this story is like Divergent (which I hadn’t read at the time… I’ve read it now and I disagree! But I can’t tell if I’m just being resistant… XD). Hehe. And yes, feel free to call her Sam ;)

    March 23, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 3 Reply

    Okay, I've got to ask; was Harold's mother's 'Winter is coming' statement a Game of Thrones reference? Probably not, but if it was then bravo! You have excellent taste in television! Anyway, on a more chapter related note; well done on this one.

    I'm glad we got to see a little more of Janelle and Sam this time around. They seem to have an interesting dynamic between them. However, I can't say following a woman they just met to an inn filled with people was a particularly bright idea, especially since they're on the run XD. Wouldn't want to see them get caught before they can fire up their rebellion!

    Poor Carey! I figured she'd be found out by the Assessor, but I had hope! I have to say, though, she had the absolute worst timing of anyone, ever!

    March 22, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Yes, that was a GOT reference. And it worked, because winter actually is coming in the story at this point :P The opportunity was too much to resist… XD Haha, she does have bad timing… It’s all 256’s fault, really. Later he explains that he actually got lost and that’s why he arrived late… If he hadn’t she may never have been caught ;) As for Janelle and Sam, they're not exactly the most experienced of rebellors. They, like Carey, are really just ordinary villagers except with some vendetta and fighting skills at this point :3 Particularly Janelle.

    March 23, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 4 Reply

    It occurred to me in the last chapter but I forgot to mention it and then 256 thought 'When he was a child, he had been taught that he was one of the lucky ones – they were the privileged, the Gifted. They were so much better than the others.'

    The Gifted, I assume, are the ones that decided to called themselves Gifted and normal people unGifted. Not wizards, not benders, but Gifted. They're some egotistical little bastards, aren't they? XD

    Anyway, this was probably my favorite chapter thus far. Despite the fact that I didn't want to, I actually found myself liking 256. Obviously, I wasn't rooting for him at any point when Carey was trying to escape, but his desire to not harm Carey's family, the fact that he thought she was pretty, and how uncomfortable he became when she just kept staring at him brought a bit of humanity to the Gifted. Until this point I kept picturing the Gifted as evil imperious overlords who might perhaps say 'Resistance is futile' every now and again.

    I'm liking Carey more and more. It's good to see she has some fight in her. I'm pretty sure she's going to need even more now that she's going to... Gifted Hogwarts? I'm excited to see how things work out between Carey and 256 when he's trying to train her. Something tells me he's not going to have much luck!

    March 22, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    As for how the Gifted got their name, it’s a secret. But yeah, the Gifted are pretty egotistical :P Essentially what I wanted to show with this chapter is that the Gifted are really just human, underneath. They do, as 256 does, genuinely believe that what they’re doing is right. So I’m glad that seemed to resonate in this chapter…

     And it’s good that you like him. He’s the main male character, after all, so it would kinda suck if you didn’t ;)

    March 23, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 5 Reply

    Another good chapter! Carey is reckless! She really should take 256's advice and stop telling everyone her escape plans. Not that she could actually escape from the Gifted anyway, but she should still keep her mouth shut on that topic.

    I liked Marvin. He seems like a really good guy. I did find it odd that Janelle and Sam trusted him so quickly and flat out told him that they were planning to overthrow the government within minutes of meeting him. I would have been afraid he would turn me in for a reward! Although, the Gifted don't really seem like people that would go around offering rewards... Perhaps all the unGifted hate the Gifted and therefore wouldn't turn in those working against them regardless? I don't know, just something I noticed.

    Overall, great chapter. I enjoyed finding out a little more of Janelle and Sam's backstory, although now I'm really interested in learning even more of Sam's. She got secrets, I think.

    March 22, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Carey’s the sort of person who when she’s angry blurts out whatever’s on her mind. If she really wants to escape she’ll need to learn to stop doing that ;)

    As for Janelle and Sam trusting Marvin, that is expanded on more in the next chapter. In this one Janelle was really just very excited their mission was going somewhere so she was more trusting than she probably should have been. As for Sam’s backstory, there are little hints here and there but it’s quite a while until all is revealed… ;)

    March 23, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 7 Reply

    Is there any story significance to the fact that all of the Gifted's numbers thus far all equal 13? I noticed primarily because I'm fascinated by numbers and patterns like that. (My friends think I'm weird) In my own writing, I use the infamous Numbers (4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42) from the TV show Lost at any point I need to reference a number. I have no idea why I do this, but it helps me see similar patterns in other works. Now I sound crazy and I'm babbling... forget I said anything XD

    Anyway, this chapter continues to both humanize the Gifted (with 256 and his memory of his trainer) and vilify them (in the case of the Leader). I like that while 256 is clearly devoted to the cause, he's not just a mindless drone. He has feelings and opinions that are entirely his own and they don't seem to always line up with the Leader's.

    Interesting limitation to the Gifted's powers. I thought they would have to have one, otherwise Janelle and Sam's rebellion is pretty screwed. Having to be in physical contact with their target makes the Gifted seem far less powerful than they do if you think they can strike you dead from afar. If that little secret got out, it might just make some of the oppressed decide to join a fledgling rebellion.

    March 26, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Wow, you’re the first person to notice that! Here, have a cyber cookie. There’s no story significance, it’s just a little bit of symbolism. Also, thirteen is my favourite number XD I’m very nerdy when it comes to number patterns as well. As the story goes on not all of the important characters have numbers that add up to thirteen (there is one more significant character at this point that does, but he isn’t introduced for a while) but I chose all of them very carefully, particularly 256. The other number I use is the number 4, because of how it’s viewed in China (I studied Chinese for a while). Most of the important Gifted characters have numbers related to either 13 or 4. Except for 256, who has both (4 to the power of 4 is 256). Gosh, that was much longer than I meant it to be…

    Well, as they said they can set fire around you, or lock you in a room and raise the water levels, but they can’t directly harm you (i.e set you on fire or fill your lungs with water, for example). So there are ways to work around the limitations of the Gifts… But they need some limitations, otherwise the rebels wouldn’t have a chance XD

    March 26, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 37 Reply

    Exciting!

    It looks like the long-awaited reunion is about to take place really soon. I'm extremely curious what will happen once 256 meets Carey again. I honestly hope that he'll join the rebels, but something tells me it won't be as simple.

    It seems to me that Carey is beginning to get used to her new "friends". She's starting to feel less like an outsider. I doubt that she'll go back to her family. After being a member of a rebel SWAT team, living on a farm will be not very interesting. Anyway, the scene with Carey gaining info on the Gifted was well-written and fairly interesting. The pace seemed to be a bit slower, but it's okay since there was a lot happening in the previous chapters.

    The whole "Gifted-sensing" gave me an idea that sparked another theory (no, 805 has enough suspected children already). That time when Carey was under the impression that Raegan saw her... What if he didn't see her, but rather sense her? Maybe he's Gifted too, and he could sense the other Gifted? This theory has a plenty of holes in it, but it's fun to come up with such crazy stuff ;-)

    I'm waiting eagerly for the next chapter.

    March 29, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Haha, it is very long-awaited… At first I meant for this story to have about thirty chapters, then thirty-five… Now it’s probably going to be about 39-40 (because I keep having to split chapters into two, and thinking of things to add... xD).

    As for 256 possibly joining the rebels… Well, you’ll see :3

    March 30, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 8 Reply

    Very well done with Carey's dream! Wesley's death scene was exceptionally well written and while it was pretty clear it was a dream (a fact which is aided by the italic) it was still a shocking moment. I scared my sister when I shouted 'Wesley, no!' rather loudly. Good going there.

    I loved the interaction between Carey and 256. It was suitably awkward given their relationship thus far. I found myself laughing at some of his reactions. 256 isn't very good at comforting people, is he? Understandably, given the life he's had. It was interesting to learn that 256 can't read. I didn't expect that, although with the Gifted's efficient and utilitarian nature, it makes sense that he wouldn't because he doesn't need to.

    By the way; Sam and Janelle huddling under the blanket together = cute XD

    March 30, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Yeah, he’s not the best at comforting people (well, people like Carey, anyway). Hey, at least he tried xD

    As for him being unable to read, it’s more than just he doesn’t really need to, although that is part of the reason xD The Leader and the Council rely on the complete obedience of the Gifted for their regime to continue. By not educating them properly it means they won’t think for themselves as much… And also, it controls the amount of information available to them.

    Thanks for commenting! :D

    March 30, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 38 Reply

    No! That was the worst cliffhanger ever. I was waiting for this encounter for a really long time and now I have to wait longer ;-( Anyway, it was a nice way to keep the tension up.

    First of all, I was about to complain about the title of the chapter. If I remember well, there was a title like that before. However, I suspect that it might have been the chapter, where Carey and 256 part ways. If so, the similar titles would be okay and even a fine idea.

    The rebels' POV was very good - exciting, the pace was quick, there was a lot of action. Thomas strikes me as a bit whiny character - but that might be a personal preference (I prefer feisty, tough characters like Samantha). Raegan is becoming even more suspicious with every chapter, although it was strange how easily he killed that Gifted - a spy wouldn't kill his accomplices just like that. Cracks begin to show in one of my theories. Anyway, I'm still curious, what he's up to. Maybe he switched sides? And is a double agent now?

    Now about 256's POV. 3349 (did I get it right this time?) is an unbearable bxxch as always. She's really unlikable and I'll be genuinely glad when someone kills her. I'm actually relieved that 805 is injured and not armed properly - I cheer for Janelle's group a little more. Although, I don't want 805 to die before I learn about his adventurous and romantic past (and if he's someone's father).

    I'm about to blackmail you into posting the next chapter. I have so many ideas about how the encounter between Carey and 256 will look like, that I won't even start writing them down ;-) However, I believe, both will live afterwards, and perhaps will cooperate. Of course, Raegan's secret must stir some trouble too.

    April 2, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Yay I can finally post this reply!

    Sorry :P I have to make their reunion dramatic, no? The cliffhanger is necessary, I say! And yes, you are right about the chapter title. The chapter where 256 and Carey separated was called “Endings and Beginnings”, while this one is called “Beginnings and Endings”. So I wasn’t just being lazy ;)

    I hope Thomas isn't too annoying. He is quite passive person, as he grew up a recluse and isn't really used to making his own decisions.

    Heh, it was also necessary for me to injure 805 and deprive him of his favourite weapons XD If he were fighting at full strength Janelle and co. wouldn’t stand a chance against him :P Well, Samantha might, but the others… And yes, you did get her number right ;)

    April 3, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 9 Reply

    Another good chapter! I liked that this one focused solely on Janelle and Company. Their story has been a little slow moving thus far, (which, considering they are trying to overthrow an incredibly powerful enemy while having practically no resources or serious strategy, it really should be) but I was still glad to see them take center stage this time around.

    I found the events at the Rosa's inn to be very realistic. The reactions of the inn patrons were all believable and exactly how most people would respond to being asked to join a rebellion. It was good to see that Janelle did manage to inspire a few people to join her and while they might not be the A-Team when it comes to potential revolutionaries, every rebellion has to start somewhere. (James seems exceptionally proud that he's a musician XD)

    This was the first time I ever actually thought about the fact that these girls don't have any real plan to bring down the Gifted. It makes a certain degree of sense that they really wouldn't have any actual idea of how to do it yet considering that until now it was just the three of them with no supplies, allies, or even a base of operations! It should be interesting to see where their revolution goes from here.

    April 3, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comment! Yeah, Janelle’s story really does take a while to get going. Chapter 7/8 is where it starts to pick up :3 Janelle and Sam are more of the “plan as we go” people. They (like all of the nonGifted) don’t have much knowledge of government, warfare, etc. etc. so they just have to adapt and learn. Therefore a revolution is no easy task for them :P

    April 3, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 39 Reply

    This chapter made me feel as though Christmas came early this year.

    First of all, I love being right. One of my theories came true - 805 is a daddy! And Samantha's. I feel a little sorry for her - she had tough time in this chapter. I wonder, how the situation will progress from now on. Surely 805 and Sam won't be a happy family all of a sudden (maybe in the distant future). I imagine, 805 will die at some point of the story, possibly sacrificing himself.

    Anyway, the scene was epic, almost like the one in Star Wars ;-) The pace in this part of the chapter was good, the emotions depicted very well. Janelle was a fine "medium".

    Now about the second magnificent encounter. Carey's and 256's meeting was really awkward and surprisingly friendly. I expected them to be forced to fight instead of exchange news. Still, it was fun to read it; for some reason I giggled several times. 256 was extremely cute, especially when he was about to confess his love for Carey - that moment was embarrasing.

     

    April 4, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas


  • Reply

    Will I be in danger if I admit I haven’t actually seen Star Wars? xD Although, I have of course heard of that scene. Everyone knows about that ;-)

    It’s strange, I thought I was really, really, really obvious about Samantha and 805. In fact, it was such a classic twist I didn’t even try and hide it :P But so far, you seem to be the only one that picked up on it… Which I’m happy about, because I wanted people to figure it out :P Here, have a cyber cookie. It’s a yummy one, I promise.

    Anyway, they are most certainly not going to be a happy family all of a sudden ;-) After all, they really are just strangers. And Sam kind of hates him, so that puts a bit of a downer on their relationship.

    As for 256 and Carey, it’s good if you laughed :-P It was supposed to be a break from all the angstiness of the first part of the chapter (and the next one… *evil laughter*).  256 isn’t very suave, is he? xD

    April 4, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 10 Reply

    The Leader is beginning to worry me. (yeah, as though he wasn't already worrying me before!) Shipping Carey and 256 to help put down the rebellion? He's up to something dastardly, I can feel it! Although perhaps Carey will soon come across a handful of revolutionaries hiding in a basement and decide to join in?

    It's nice to see 256 is worried about Carey going on the mission as well. He really seems to care about what happens to her. I'm starting to see that he's not as much of a Gifted 'Yes Man' as I thought he was. He seems to have perhaps defied the Leader (and apparently lived to tell about it) once before. I wonder what he did?

    Part of me kind of agrees with Janelle and her desire to train hard and long hours. They're up against an army of immensely powerful people and the only weapons they possess are two swords and a bundle of sticks. But while the others, or at least James, might not be taking things as seriously as he should, Janelle's at the other end of the spectrum altogether.

    It seems like her responsibility as a leader of this revolution is starting to wear on her. I think she'll need someone to share the burden of leadership with if they're going to continue. Poor girl shouldn't have to shoulder all of that on her own. Anyway, I've rambled on long enough XD. Good chapter!

    April 7, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Heh, 256 is the type who tries really hard and wants to be a yes man, but it just never seems to work out for him xD He, like most of the characters in this story (Janelle, Marvin, Samantha…) has some secrets.

    It’s funny, the Leader’s motives for doing this are never really explained (he does have them, but… it never really comes up). Maybe I should add them in, because people keep wondering about them (there is a spot I could do that, later on). Or maybe I should leave it ambiguous, I don’t know xD

    April 7, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 11 Reply

    It was good to get some background info on Marvin! I was expecting him to say that he was Gifted himself seeing as his parents were. I had been assuming Gifts were inherited traits that were passed down through family lines. I'm still not sure if I trust him though. He's suspicious XD

    I enjoyed learning more about the Gifted and their social structure. I didn't expect any sort of hierarchy or caste system based on their respective Gifts, but I really liked it. Good job there.

    I knew Carey would try to escape the Gifted's clutches once out in the wild. I liked the way she seemed to regret leaving 256 behind. While I'm glad she stuck with 256 because I like him and the sort of love/hate relationship they seem to have going, if I had been her I'd have taken the risk and gone for it :P Anyway, good chapter. It seems like these characters are all starting move towards an encounter with each other soon!

    April 14, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    I figured it was only natural for there to be a hierachy among the Gifts ;-) I mean, surely they’d have a bit of “my powers are better than yours” competition going. The position of the Gifts of Earth is probably the most important in this story (not for quite a while, though). Well, it’s important for one character in particular… :-P

    Heh, originally I was going to make Gifts inherited, but then I figured the Council would just make the Gifted have children with each other (not that it doesn’t happen, like with Marvin, but they’re not technically supposed to xD). So I made them non-genetic, and therefore someone whose parents are Gifted have no more chance of having powers than anyone else.

    April 14, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 3 Reply

    Just one minor grammatical error. When she says "I have too.", it's supposed to be spelled "I have _to_". 'Too' means 'also' or 'as well as'. It's a common mistake, but it's one that a lot of readers will pick up on, and it makes your writing look immature and unprofessional. You have to be careful with these because spell-check sometimes doesn't pick them up. 

    Other than that, very good story, I like it so far. :)

    April 15, 2014 | Mahelsonei Sonjen


  • Reply

    Thanks for picking up that typo. I must admit I'm a very lazy editor, so I make a lot of them ;)

    April 15, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 4 Reply

    Just one minor grammatical error. When she says "I have too.", it's supposed to be spelled "I have _to_". 'Too' means 'also' or 'as well as'. It's a common mistake, but it's one that a lot of readers will pick up on, and it makes your writing look immature and unprofessional. You have to be careful with these because spell-check sometimes doesn't pick them up. 

    Other than that, very good story, I like it so far. :)

    April 15, 2014 | Mahelsonei Sonjen


  • Chapter: 4 Reply

    Okay, another weird grammar goof. You used a double negative, when 256 "Couldn't not notice." It would make a little more sense, and the story would flow a little better if you put in "Couldn't help but notice" instead. I like his characterization so far, but try to throw in a little more 'mean guy attitude' in there.   If he is a Gifted Guard, he's been brainwashed to be a total jackash, and that kind of thing doesn't go away easily.

    April 15, 2014 | Mahelsonei Sonjen


  • Reply

    Well, the Gifted aren’t really brainwashed into being jerks. They’re brainwashed into thinking they’re superior. For some, this means treating the nonGifted badly, etc, etc, for others it means treating them with respect but at the same time still seeing them as inferior. So in 256’s mind he’s ‘saving’ Carey from a life of being inferior. Not all brainwashed people are created equally, after all, and it's not always as effective on some as it is on others, because everyone has slightly different ways of reacting to such things. There are reasons (that will be revealed later) why he’s not as much of a mean guy as you’d expect. And if I made him a jerk, then he'd just be another annoying angsty young adult novel male lead :-P

    April 15, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 4 Reply

    Many the dirty look? Wha?

    A lot of dirty looks would sound much more flow-y. But still, I like 256 so far. :)

    April 15, 2014 | Mahelsonei Sonjen


  • Reply

    Heh, that’s actually a weird speech quirk of mine :-P Thanks for picking it up, as it slips through my mind when I’m editing. Thanks for the comments! :-)

    April 15, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 18 Reply

    Hey there! As promise, I have started to begin re-reading where I have left off. I feel bad for Carey having her high hopes deflate in a second. I hope nothing bad happens to her.

    April 18, 2014 | Luna's Child


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comment! I'm currently re-reading through the beginning of your story, hopefully I should reach where I was up to either tomorrow or on Monday :)

    April 18, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 19 Reply

    Carey really does seem like the type of person to think things through. I wonder if that will cost her life at one point.

    Anyways, I'm curious to find out if Carey is going to agree to help the rebellion overthrow the Gifted, and maybe even get 256 to help them out.

    April 18, 2014 | Luna's Child


  • Reply

    Hehe, well let’s just say you will find out very soon about Carey’s decisions… As for 256, he’s slightly preoccupied at the moment :3

    April 18, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 12 Reply

    Now I want to know what 256 did that he made him feel he deserved what he got. I'm guessing it was pretty bad, whatever it was. Anyway, really good chapter! 256 is without doubt my favorite character now. The banter between him and Carey tends to be hilarious even when the scene is serious and I really like that.

    Carey definitely seems to be influencing him in a positive way. He's not yet questioning his duty or his loyalty to the Gifted, but he doesn't seem to always like or approve of the things he's expected to do, which of course is a good thing. It means he's not a full on company man and could one day change his ways, particularly if he stays in Carey's company for a while longer.

    Also, the Other Worlds? Now I'm immensely curious about that. Since the story takes place on an island, I've been wondering what's going on elsewhere in the world. Now that I see there are whole other worlds out there, well... I confess myself to be intrigued!

    April 19, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Wow, you’re very observant! The Other Worlds are only really mentioned a few times in this book. They are given a brief explanation later, but other than that they remain mostly a mystery :3

    As for what 256 did, from our perspective what he did isn’t bad at all… But for the Gifted, it’s very bad xD And yes, let’s just say that Carey is definitely showing him a new perspective on life :P But the Gifted are the only life he knows, so it’ll be very difficult for him to turn his back on them even if he disagrees with what they do.

    April 20, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 13 Reply

    So, the rebellion begins! I'm very uncomfortable with this plan of Janelle's. She has very little actual leadership experience and she's taking a team of recruits to fight a squad of Gifted that was assembled specifically to hunt them down. I don't think this is going to end well for my favorite revolutionaries, but the next chapter should definitely be exciting!

    I continue to enjoy Janelle's thought process and the way she doubts herself as a leader. It's very realistic that she would have doubts and fears and even lack confidence in herself, so well done there. I am a little worried that a few of the others aren't taking all this nearly as seriously as they should. Particularly James, who even says he's only there for the adventure of it all. Despite the fact that I think he's going to get the group in trouble soon, I still like him!

    Poor Carey just can't catch a break! I actually thought she might manage to escape that time! Very good cliffhanger at the end. It made me very excited for the next chapter.

    April 24, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Hehe, it’s good if you’re worrying about Janelle’s plan :P After all, she hasn’t really thought it through that well, has she? xD Let’s just say that the next chapter is very important regarding her character development.

    And yes, Carey’s escape attempts haven’t worked out that well so far. As they say, third time’s the charm… Or maybe it isn’t ;-)

    April 24, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 1 Reply

    Hello. I like your story so far and would like to comment on your first chapter. Let me know if you are interested in trading comments/reviews.

    At first I was a little confused because of the description. I couldn't tell whether the Gifted were good or bad, or which girl Carey is. That was cleared up pretty quickly though. I know that the Gifted are born good but then captured and stuff. The whole thing with splitting Carey and Janelle is a neat idea. I wonder if they're connected somehow, in a way that will shock even your cleverest readers upon finding out, maybe near the end. Another thing I liked is how you show them thinking. While their personalities aren't fully revealed yet, your inner dialog made me feel like I already know them a little. Their thinking is a little complex too, in a good way. One girl (Carey) is worried about losing her sibling, and then it moves to another girl (Janelle) who already did. And at the end it looks like Carey herself is going to get captured.

    There a few things I'm going to be a little picky about. Some of them might be a personal thing. One is your use of the word "now" even though the book is written in the past tense (about a third way through the chapter, before Carey enters the cottage). A little bit after that, when Carey's mom thanks her, it looks like you were talking about Carey thanking herself or something because you said Carey and then "she" without talking about the mom. The same thing happened with Janelle and Samantha at the end of their part. Again, I'm just being picky - I knew what you were talking about. Lastly, the way you started and ended with Carey's half of the story makes me think that you're going to be partial to her, that maybe she's more important that Janelle. For Janelle's part, you talked about her being alone and not having any weapons, but she has a sword and it looks like they're planning a revolt or something. Sorry if this is just a misinterpretation.

    As for what I think about the characters and setting, I'm intrigued. It isn't that confusing, especially compared to some other fantasy stories, but there's still a bit of mystique. I like your plot. It's amusing and engaging. Like I said, I hope - and expect - to see more differences between Carey and Wesley. They seem to be fun-loving but serious when they need to be, and they obviously care a lot for their family. It looks like Wesley is more carefree and helpful while Carey is more adventurous, more of a daydreamer. That may be wrong, it's just my first impression. Janelle seems like a fighter, maybe vengeful and impatient. Not afraid to take risks. Samantha is obviously more mysterious.

    I hope you found this comment to be a little helpful, and that you have a lovely day =)

     

     

    April 28, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Hi! Thanks very much for reading :) I’d be happy to do a trade with you. Tell me which story you’d like me to read :)

    Thanks for the tips and stuff. I must admit I always struggle when two people of the same gender are talking, I don’t like repeating names a lot but then if I don’t it gets confusing… xD As for Janelle and the thing with the weapons, before she met Samantha she didn’t have any weapons or hope of achieving her goal. That’s what I meant anyway, I’m not sure how clear it was :P

    This story is split pretty much evenly between the main characters (who may be more than just the two girls…) but Janelle’s plot is the sort that takes a while to build up while Carey’s starts straight away. So yeah, for the first six or so chapters Carey does get a lot more action than Janelle. I also faced a dilemma with this chapter, because I wanted to start with Carey’s part (as it makes a better opening) but I also wanted to end on it because of the cliffhanger… Usually it won’t be split like that :P

    As for whether the Gifted are good or bad… Well, that’s a secret ;)

    April 29, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 3 Reply

    O_O This chapter is so suspenseful! In a good way!

    Who is Rosa? I was a little surprised when you referred to her as an innkeeper. I thoughts she was another traveler, or maybe a Gifted (sorry, I'm saying that like it's a bad word =D) in disguise. She could so easily be the latter, or maybe a nice lady. But she was so willing to be really nice to Janelle and Samantha. And she had a face that I imagined to look like this 😁 if you can see that. Very suspicious. Surely they weren't that desperate for some business. You said they had other guests. Carey being with the gifted is going to be interesting as well.

    I will nag you about a few things. In your tenth paragraph in the second sentence, you had two girls and tagged both of them as "she," which gets confusing. As you may know, and I completely agree, I am not fully qualified to talk about tags, but one problem I had when I started writing that I see here is having voices talk. The voices themselves don't talk...I don't know whether or not it's common and a lot of people say "...the voice said" etc. Just wanted to let you know. Another thing is saying a question: "'What else could it be?' he said, shrugging." I'm not sure, sorry if I'm wrong.

    A couple aspects of the chapter were a little interesting. One is the fact that you didn't say what Janelle and Samantha ate. Another is the way you said the clouds had a strange orange color. Hmmm interesting =)

    One of the good things about your chapter is the little details. I like how you talked about Rosa drinking Janelle's water, and the coins jingling in their pockets. Samantha makes the story interesting with her mysterious behavior, and I anticipate seeing some battle scenes with her and Janelle fighting. At the moment their decisions are enough. Samantha hiding in the tree, and Janelle showing herself to the innkeeper and her son. The decisions characters are making keep the story flowing.

    April 29, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Thanks for the tips again :) I think you’re right about the voice thing. I should definitely change it. Although, I’m a little confused. What do you mean by: Another thing is saying a question: "'What else could it be?' he said, shrugging." Do you just mean because I wrote said instead of asked? Sorry for being dumb :P

    As for the orange clouds, I don’t know about you but where I live the clouds always go this weird orange colour when the sun’s setting or rising :P So that was supposed to show it was the early morning (as Janelle was waking up).

    April 30, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 14 Reply

    Okay, so I held off reading this chapter because I just had a terrible feeling that it would make me sad and, naturally, it did. So, here we are XD

    Overall, I enjoyed the action scenes. They were described very well without going into far too much detail about each movement the combatants made. It was interesting to see Gifts in conjunction with the rest of the melee. Good job!

    So, on to storyline points. Carey didn't fair very well at all. It would have been odd had she been particularly successful against Janelle given that the latter has been training for a long time for this, so I liked that she failed even though she's one of my favorite characters. 

    I really felt for Janelle in this chapter. Her first attempt at open rebellion ended in complete failure and she lost a lot of good people. Hopefully she'll learn from this and come back stronger, but I have a bad feeling that this defeat might just break her spirit. I'm not sure how many fellow revolutionaries she lost, but no matter what it will surely devastating both to Janelle as the leader and to the future of the rebellion.

    Not James and Emma!!! I knew this wasn't going to end well and that people were going to die and I wasn't overly surprised that both of them died, but I was surprised at how bad I felt about it. Considering how little face time we've had with them, I didn't expect their deaths to hit me that hard. That's a sign of good writing, though! 

    May 1, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Heh, if Carey had been up against anyone else other than Janelle (or Samantha) she probably would have stood more of a chance. But, she ran into Janelle first, of course. She really doesn’t have the best luck, does she? xD

    As for James and Emma, I’m glad their deaths had an effect on you :P Their deaths are more supposed to be a reality check for Janelle, so I wasn’t expecting them to have much impact on the readers. I did try to develop them a little in the short time frame, so I’m glad it seemed to work to some extent :P It’s a shame, because I enjoyed writing about them, but they were doomed from the start so eh. Maybe I’m just evil… xD As for Janelle, her confidence is pretty much shot at the moment. Not that it really existed before, but this shattered what little she did have.

    May 2, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 4 Reply

    Hi. This was a very interesting chapter. I was wondering what would happen, and what the Gifted peeps are like. The Leader seems like a nice guy, because he was a little chill about everything, especially compared to 256, and didn't get angry. I imagined him to be a thick guy with a beard because he boomed a lot. Sorry if that's not what he looks like.

    I know that spelling and grammar are different in Australia, so I'm not going to tell you "Oh, you spelled gray wrong!" or anything. Near the middle 256 said "here" three times, as if that was all he could say. In the fourth and seventh paragraphs his thoughts were in singular quotes ('like this') though this doesn't seem to be your style.

    Enough of the negative stuff. I really enjoyed this chapter. The thoughts and dialog ("...when I discovered her") were well thought out (if that makes sense) and I liked the humor with how Nameless and Carey reacted to each other. I was wondering if she was serious when she threatened him with the butter knife. Their future interactions are going to be great. Their characterization was also great. Carey and 256 have some their similarities and differences, and complement each other nicely.

    I just noticed that the four main characters at the beginning have all four basic, stereotypical hair colors. Janelle's is orange, Samantha's is black, Carey's is brown, and Wesley's is blond. Speaking of blond, I thought blond was for guys and blonde is for girls, so it confused me when you said that Wesley had blonde hair. Unless he's really a girl. So yeah, the hair thing is interesting, because I wound up the same way in my series and the four main characters. What a coincidence! =)

     At first I thought that the Gifted (or G***** if I'm going to use it as a bad word) would be confused by Carey's stealth g***. Maybe there's something else? There's going to be more surprises. I hope Carey doesn't become corrupted by the G*****. That wouldn't be very nice of them.

    May 2, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Heh, it is an interesting coincidence about the hair colours. Although, in this story Wesley isn’t much of a main character, and 256 has black hair like Samantha, so that ruins it :P I must say, I never knew there were specific ways of spelling blonde for girls and boys. I thought the other blond was an American spelling or something. I’ve always used blonde for both genders, but I guess I learn something new today! :)

    As for the thing about the thoughts, I wrote these chapters a while ago. I used to write thoughts that way, but then I changed it because I think the italics flow better… I rewrote the whole first chapter and I’ve gone back and edited a few of them to match with my current style, but there are quite a few places in the earlier chapters that I missed. So there will probably be a few more instances like that, sorry :P

    May 2, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 5 Reply

    Oh, that's interesting. It looks like Janelle and Samantha are going to get what they came for. I wonder how they're going to prepare. Their plan of breaking in and swinging swords can't possibly work. Maybe they're going to...hm. I think they're going to recruit a mini army or something. But if the G***** are good people, then attacking isn't such a great idea. Speaking of the G*****, something weird is going on. Nameless seems to disagree with some of their policies. I'm going to guess that the council is forcing their people to use their g***s to do bad, and the actual people aren't bad but the council is. That's my guess.

    One thing that surprised me is how Janelle and Samantha walked 100 miles in what I interpreted to be a short amount of time. I once went on a-mile hike and it took two weeks. I don't know, maybe I'm missing something. Also, when they met Marvin, he shook Samantha 0_0 "s hand, then Samantha." Could be "then Samantha's." Sorry if I seem picky. There's a few more things. One is that Janelle told Marvin that they took her sister away about five years ago, while in chapter one she told herself that the next day would be four years. Halfway through the chapter, when you switch over to Carey's perspective, you forgot to put the asterisks. Near a third of the way in the chapter, the man "said nothing" and then said, "Of course." Did you mean to say that he didn't say anything for a few seconds, like he hesitated?

    Besides that, I really liked this chapter. As much as I like the rest. Your actions and dialog are interesting, and not the kind of dialog where you know what someone is going to say before they say it - there's a little irony to keep the reader interested. I wasn't expecting Marvin to be Rosa's sister, or Samantha to speak up at his house, or Nameless (I keep forgetting his number) to show his emotions at the end like that. And it wasn't in an unrealistic way either, so great job with that. The little bits of background info on Janelle and Samantha was nice to know, including Janelle's age. I feel like I know them a little better now. I like the way you show the G*****s' characteristics in ways like their numbering system. They seem neat and organized, but they treat their own people like objects by not naming them.

    I take it that they give different sets of clothing to people of different G***s? They didn't have any stealth clothing. Maybe they aren't prepared to deal with someone of that Gift (I'm going to spell that out from now on) and I want Carey to try using it to get away. She obviously doesn't know how though.

    Sorry if this comment is too long. Do you want me to make them shorter? Is there anything you want me to add to or remove from these comments?

    May 3, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Oh, the astericks. They weren’t in the story originally, but I decided to add them in to make it easier to distinguish between the POV changes. Anyway, I added them to the first two chapters and forgot about them, so thanks for reminding me :P I’ll go add them in to the other chapters.

    And your comment size is fine, hehe.

    May 4, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 7 Reply

    I think I've said before you write character's reactions in a very realistic and heartfelt way. Not only do their reactions to certain things stay in the realms of reality but they also stay in character, which is always a good thing. Carey's confusion was very easy to sense and it helped the reader feel some sympathy towards her.

    I think there was some good world building in this chapter. 256 explains some things to Carey, and thus to us as well. We learn a little more about the world you've created in this chapter, and it's an interesting break. I also appreciate the fact you didn't take the route of an info-dump.

    May 3, 2014 | A . Nonymous


  • Reply

    Thanks for commenting!  I’m glad you like the characters reactions to things. I try and make them as realistic as possible, so I’m happy they’re convincing :D And yes, info dumps should definitely be avoided :P

    May 4, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 8 Reply

    Love the dream. Brilliant idea, and wickedly executed.

    Poor Carey. Her homesickness is well written and shown in more ways than just her longing for home. She thinks about how they're so far away as well as the factor of the recurring nightmare, always involving members of her family.

    I'll admit, I remember I wasn't that big on Jenelle and Samantha's story arc for the first couple chapters. Carey and 256's current storyline was far more interesting, but Janelle's seems to have caught up. There's a lot of interesting developments now, in both storylines, and I can sense something brewing.

    Another good chapter! I've noticed this with every one of them, but the frequent and unmarked POV changes are confusing and sometimes become a little messy. I'm not really sure how to fix them, and they work, in a way, but I find it difficult to follow at times.

     

     

    May 3, 2014 | A . Nonymous


  • Reply

    Yeah, Janelle and Samantha’s story takes a while to get going. I’ve been trying to think of a way to improve it at the beginning, but I think even if I do come up with something they’ll still have a slow start compared to Carey. Oh well. After about chapter 7/8 their story does begin to pick up.

    As for the POV changes, I think they do get better later on. After about chapter 9 I only ever wrote one or two POVs a chapter (three very, very occasionally), and I think overall they’re a lot clearer then xD I’d forgotten about this until now, but I was also going to add some astericks in a line before POV changes, so hopefully that will give some warning and make them less jarring.

    May 4, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 7 Reply

    Well, that chapter was nice and long. It looks like we have different writing styles; you seem to prefer longer chapters, longer sentences and a general absence of the word "ask" so I'll try not to bug you about that if it's a preference thing.

    I'm glad I found this story. Usually I'm pretty picky about what books I read, but Gifted is a great one. The story is well thought-out. I like how you have the little things like 256 thinking that Carey was a human and had a mind of her own. You also remember the details, like Carey wanting adventure and her uniform not having a sleeve design because the gift of stealth is a rarer gift. Your plot and writing style are to like as well.

    Just a warning, I'm going to be picky as usual here. It's a long chapter, so I must give a long review =) About Carey's uniform, you said near the end of chapter four ("The older man cleared his throat...") that they didn't have any stealth clothes prepared. I don't see how Carey's gift could have their own type of clothing without the identifying arm marking. Another little (possible) inconsistency was with the attendant in the medical ward. At first he was lazing (I didn't know that was a word, learned something new today!) when they first walked in. For some reason, giving Carey the water and soup made him busy. He was hurrying and had to tend to the children. Something I found to be strange was when on the second long paragraph this happened:

    He lead her...It had been soon after that that he had –

    "Are you just going to stand there?”

    I was proper scandalized when your - your - own third person narration was interrupted by Carey. You created her, and she interrupted you. Don't let her do that. It's not natural. If that was 256's thoughts, then I would do something like, "It had been soon after that that I had -" to directly show that he is thinking and Carey interrupts him (not you). Also, his thoughts were done 'like this" when he found out that she was hydrated. I happened to notice that the beginning of chapter three and the middle of chapter four still have some thoughts that use your old style of inner dialog, with the quotes. Near the end of the chapter, you used quotes 'like this" with the singular quotes when Marvin was talking. I was a little confused when, at the end of the second paragraph in Janelle's part, you said "They too," where I think "They had again" or something if that makes it more fluent. There were a few spelling and grammar mistakes scattered around the chapter. Sorry about all the negative stuff, the positive parts are coming.

    I'm pretty sure this was intentional, I noticed a giant character change in 256 (I can't help thinking of him as a robot because of his name). He's really in love with Carey, isn't he? He seems to be a lot nicer than before. Like, A LOT. I like him that way. If the Leader is using mind control on the gifted, then hopefully love will break him out of it. He started out a little bitter, and now he cares about Carey. There's a lot to ponder over when it comes to that boy. Hey, speaking of the Leader, what's his number? Is it 666? At first he seemed like a nice guy, but now I'm a bit disturbed by him. He's, like, evil. How dare he strangle Carey! The way he did that reminded me of Darth Vader somehow. I don't know why, I'm not even a Star Wars fan, but he used his gift to choke Carey like Vader choked that one guy. Then 256 would be a droid or something. Anyway, the Leader and 256 changed a little as their true characters are revealed or whatever, but you've done a great job of maintaining Carey's character. She's adventurous, independent, and tough. She's also smart, because what protagonist isn't, and has plans to escape even with little hope. She really misses her family, and wants to get back to them. She kind of reminds me of Janelle in that way. There's just a couple more things (sorry about the really long comment). I'm intrigued by Marvin. He knows a lot, and gives the two girls resources that they don't know, a powerful source but possibly one that could harm them. Is he gifted? Maybe 256 from the future (plot twist!) or something? If the Leader is Darth Vader, he's like a sensei or something. He's old, mysterious, and powerful. I have now idea where I'm going, that just came out of nowhere =) I also like your idea of the gifted not being able to harm someone unless they touch you. Of course, Marvin could be lying, but I think he was telling the truth. Yet another thing I thought was cool is when you used the word "coldly" when talking about the water gift guy, who used ice to trap them. Haha, cold and ice =)

     I noticed that you've took the time to do a lot of editing on the first thirty or so chapters. Nice work on that. Again, let me know if I'm not providing enough feedback in these comments and if there's more that I can add to them (or take away).

    May 5, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Haha, you’re right to be so negative. These early chapters are very lazily written, personally I cringe when I read back over them :P Still, I don’t want to do too much editing because I want to rewrite them altogether. Those chapters I edited wasn’t really editing, I was just adding astericks to make the POV changes easier to comprehend (before I hadn’t added them past the first two chapters).

    Heh, I haven’t even seen Star Wars (I know, it’s shameful…) Anyway, your theories on the Leader and Marvin were very entertaining to read :P As for 256, he’s not in love with Carey. He’s only known her for a day, and I am an avid non-believer of love at first sight (I know, I’m a cynical old lady). You can’t love someone you don’t know. Still, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for her at this point. I actually think I probably made him too aloof at the beginning - he's supposed to appear that way at first, and then sort of reveal his "true colours" but I made it too big of a change... Just one of the things I want to rewrite :P

    May 6, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 15 Reply

    Another good chapter! Not a good one for the rebellion, of course, but a good one for the readers. With seven rebels already dead to only one Gifted, my favorite rebellion isn't starting off very well.

    256's past continues to intrigue. I'm developing ideas about what he and 440 did, but I suspect I'm way off. Speaking of 440, I'll simply say that I do not like him. What he seemed to suggest 256 do to Carey gave me chills... and reminded me how the Gifted think of regular people. I must say that the conversation between those two was interesting and enlightening. Also, 256 seems to have some fight in him if he gets mad!

    Poor Janelle. I feel bad for her quite often, but never so bad as I did in this chapter. She's sunk about as low as she can after the Lake Village slaughter. She reactions to what happened and her role in it come across as very realistic in that she blames herself completely and now doubts her ability as a leader even more than she did before. Considering how slow Janelle's story began, I'm now just as interested in her and Sam's story as I am in Carey and 256's. You've really ramped up the story of the rebellion and the two girls at the forefront of it, so great job on that!

    Also, very interesting about Janelle's sister being her daughter instead. I began to suspect something like that I couple of chapters back, but I wasn't completely sure that was the way you were going with it. I see now why Janelle was so motivated to overthrow the Gifted. Now, I must learn Sam's secrets!

    May 6, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Heh, 440 is definitely not the nicest of people :P But personally, I feel sorry for him (for various reasons). Still, if you don’t like him now you’ll hate him even more after the next chapter…

    I’m trying to think of ways to make Janelle’s story more interesting at the beginning. In a way though, I think there’s only so much I can do :P Her story is the sort that builds over time, while Carey and 256’s starts straight away, so I think no matter what I do hers will always be slow compared to theirs at the beginning. Oh well. I’m glad her story is interesting.

    Haha, it’s funny I expected most people to think her sister was her daughter from the beginning, but most don’t seem to pick up on it. I suppose it’s quite unusual in a story like this for a main character to have a secret like that, so maybe that’s why. Although, this story does become quite a bit darker from now on (starting with this chapter). Anyway, here’s a cyber cookie for suspecting something! And as for Samantha, let’s just say her secrets are about to become a focus quite soon…

    May 6, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 8 Reply

    Gosh...like Carey, I've been having nightmares about that leader guy. Thanks a lot, Gen! Just kidding =) He does creep me out, though. I would be so surprised if he turns out to be a good guy. I still think he's brainwashing the Gifted. Though if he doesn't trust Carey, I'm assuming that he's a little afraid of her. Maybe he has some sort of weakness.

    My nagginess for this comment only focuses on typos and some awkward wording, because I really like your plot and characterization. I'm still seeing some present tense throughout, words such as "tonight, "this," and "now." About a third of the way, at the snowy place, Marvin bought money. Later, I was confused as to why Marvin and Samantha left but then said that they wouldn't think of it, and grinned when they saw Janelle. They hadn't heard of her plan yet. By the end of the chapter, you included yourself in the story and said "behind me."

    It's not that wording is awkward throughout. I like your writing style too. It's easy to read and the pacing was good. I noticed that you used the word "ask" with Carey and 256, so kudos on that ;)

    The characters are well written. Their thoughts and dialog seem natural. I like the way you had Janelle think of her plan. Her emotions sort of went from negative to neutral before being positive. She wasn't all, "Oh, no. We're doomed. Oh, wait. We aren't. There's hope. Yay!" Her thinking of going to Rosa was one of those "Why didn't I think of that!" moments. She's one smart carrot.

    Have I told you that I love 256? Not like love love but he's definitely my favorite character. Maybe due to the fact that he's the only boy at the moment. As a boy, just one character who's about my age and the same gender is enough, as long as he's like 256. I appreciate how you have some male characters in your story. In many stories, like my first one before I edited it, all the main characters are one gender or the other. But I digress. Where was I...oh yeah, I was talking about 256. I hope he gets a name, because he's too nice to be numbered. Maybe Carey will give him one. Maybe Bob. It's fascinating how Bob is so isolated from non-Gifted society. I wouldn't have thought about him not knowing what it's like to be on the outside, not knowing what it's like to have a family.

    As previously stated, I think your characters' thoughts are great, as well as the way you say what they're thinking. From Janelle wanting to protect the people, if they'd let her, to her feeling like she was a little girl again, to Samantha's urgency, to 256's rebeliousness in disobeying the Leader, pushing away the evil thoughts in his mind (was that the Leader?), to Carey's not wanting to go train but rather write to Wesley...and so on. I think it was neat and a little funny how she stole the Leader's paper. All these thoughts and decisions make the reader stop to think. The story is very interesting and engaging, and shows all the thought you must have put into it.

    May 7, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Not Bob! Anything but Bob! Sorry, I really hate the name Bob :P 256 does have a name, he just doesn’t know what it is (but I do! Muhahaha). After all, his parents must have called him something, before he was taken away. Although he may never find out what it is, or someone else may decide to call him something else, or he could stick to his number… I’ll give you a hint. His real name starts with a G.

    Anyway, thanks for the grammar tips again! I always try to make sure I have plenty of male/female characters. After all, if fiction is supposed to reflect real life, then they should have even numbers of girls and boys unless there’s some reason not to. At this point in the story the only main male characters are 256 and Marvin, but there are more added later. It just turned out that way, really, that there’s a lot more females than males at the start ;)

    May 8, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 9 Reply

    Heeyy what a nice chapter. I like how you had some humor:

    (“We can’t just rush into it,” Janelle said, unsure what to say. “I mean, do you even know how to fight? Do any of you?”

    The man stood proudly. “I don’t. I’m a musician!”)

    I don't think your humor made the chapter childish or anything, or ruined the emotional moments. It made things easy to read.

    There were some typos throughout, but it wasn't bothersome. One thing I keep seeing, it isn't too bothersome either, but using the present tense (i.e., "now" or "this"). Another thing is sentence tags, and saying who's talking. Repeating someone's name a lot isn't always bad. Sometimes you split someone's dialog into multiple sentences, making me think that someone else is talking. One example:

    (Janelle glared angrily at him. “We’ll see.”

    “SHUT UP!” she yelled, stamping her foot against the bench with a loud thud.

    “Sorry,” she whispered, glancing guilty at Rosa behind her.)

    I would probably just put her glaring at him in the previous paragraph, say that she turned to the people, and instead of her saying sorry say that she apologized. I guess it's a personal choice, though. Sorry if I sound picky, I just want you to benefit from these comments =/ I know a lot of these are just overlooked mistakes.

    Anyway, something else is that the characters seem to be one step ahead of the reader. Maybe it's only me being stupid, but I didn't understand why Rosa was surprised when she saw Janelle walking up toward her. She didn't know that Janelle was going to step on the bar, did she? Why did it take Janelle two tries to get the people to actually listen to her, both the drunken people in the bar and Will and Anna downstairs? At first the drunk people denied her, while Will and Anna shrugged off her seriousness. It might heelp if you have more of their thoughts, explaining their motives to act the way they did. Then it would look less like a script and more like a story, maybe with some longer paragraphs. I don't know, it could just be me =) You might want to compare my thoughts with those of your other commenters.

    One last con, and then I'll get to why I really like this chapter. I'm pretty sure it's just me, but I was a little confused with the part at the end where you transitioned from their meeting to when Janelle and Samantha were talking. It sounded like they discussed their plans in Janelle's room, which is...a bit creepy 0_0 I mean, you didn't talk about her going to bed. How did Sam get in her room...or were they sharing it? Oh well. Even if it isn't just me, I guess the vagueness reflects Janelle's feelings or something.

    Besides all that the story isn't confusing. You have a really nice plot going here. I like how you show the characters' thoughts, from Janelle being unsure and Samantha being glad to have such an amazing friend. Yeah, you did explain those clearly, but it was "proven" when Janelle told her recruits to be serious, and when she said "if" a lot in her speech, and when Samantha smiled at her. Janelle must be really special to have Samantha do that.

    It's all part of her feeling like she's a little girl again. At first she seemed rather confident, but once she and Samantha started to make decisions, she started to lose some confidence. I really like how the old man talked to her, and how she talked to the recruits. There were some good quotes in there, like James's reaction to Janelle glaring at him. It shows their personalities well. Just show the distinctions between William and Anna, and they will be quite nicely characterized. James looks like the jester, the one that keeps morale high, the old man is pensive and wise, and Rosa is nice, maybe a little/very crazy. (But in a good way...she like giving out discounts =D At first I thought she's a spy, but now she's important because she got Janelle and Samantha started. Hmm...interesting.)

    I think lack of confidence is an interesting conflict. It's what I used in my own series. I find it really weird, we both have some characters who are overly confident, and others who aren't confident enough. James represents a character of mine names Jason...how close are their names??? But I digress. The only thing keeping Janelle going, it appears, is the fact that her friends are counting on her. I really hope Samantha doesn't get herself killed. Not only would Janelle be horrified and possible not want to stop the Gifted anymore if that happens, but I would never find out the difference between Sam and Emma.

    Sorry for rambling =) I'll try to comment more often, maybe one a day.  

    May 10, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Thanks for the tips again :) And don’t worry, I don’t think your being picky at all. It’s good, because now when I go back and rewrite these chapters I’ll have these things to avoid in mind. And please, don’t feel pressured to comment more often than you do now! I’m the one who should apologize for being a slow commenter. I don’t have time tonight but I’ll try my best to read a few chapters of your story tomorrow :)

    P.S I like you profile picture! :)

    May 11, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 16 Reply

    Excellent chapter! This one hits you right in the feels at every turn! All those emotions! I was very happy to see Carey at last escape the Gifted's clutches, but also devastated that 256 didn't go with her. I was almost sure he would!

    Speaking of 256, his journey and growth throughout the story so far has been exceptionally well done! From the terrifying Assessor at the beginning, to Carey's stiff and uncompromising kidnapper, then to a sort of mentor and friend, and now the hero that let's her go despite knowing the consequences of doing so. 256's evolution continues to be one of my favorite parts of this story. I certainly hope Carey and 256 reunite at some point, but I suspect Carey is going to stumble across a certain group of revolutionaries in the near future which might put my hopes of their reunion on hold for a while.

    Also, you were correct that I dislike 440 even more now than I did before XD. Perhaps when whatever it is that 256 and 440 did is revealed (and the punishment that they each received for it) I'll have a bit more compassion for him, but for now I still want to punch him a little bit :P

     

    May 12, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    I’m glad you like 256’s evolution (or as I call it, his re-evolution). He’s definitely grown the most out of the main characters so far, I think :P Anyway, I’m happy there were a lot of feels in this chapter, that’s what I was going for ;)

    May 13, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 10 Reply

    Your characterization was really strong in this chapter. 256 (eh...G...George?) was well conveyed. He seems like a nice guy, not giving in to the Leader's influence. Unless, like you implied, the Gifted are good...then it's a bad thing. But he does seem nice. It was cool how he smiled at Carey and called her by her name rather than 355.

    So...did he try to defy the leader before? In he middle of their meeting he thought about it. It's strange, the Leader is worried about rebellion. He seems so confident, maybe it's just an outside thing.

    James and Janelle were nicely written too. James seems like he doesn't care about what other people think when making his decisions, and is very direct. His perspective is interesting, and if he's really leaving, it might be a negative loss. He was just trying to make Janelle feel better, wasn't he? He and Emma, they both cared about her (showing it in different ways, which I like) but I guess it was natural for her to be annoyed.

    Maybe James forgot that Janelle lost her sister, or didn't hear when she gave them her speech in the last chapter. I find it natural that she's being rather crabby, because she really wants to get her sister back and avenge her parents. Wait, were they taken away by the Gifted? Sorry, I keep forgetting. But yeah, she wants her sister back and James was sort of telling her to calm down, and slowing their progress. I think that he was right, but there could be some more understanding between the two. Oh, I'm not suggesting that you make it like that, by the way, just sharing my thoughts on your characters =)

    I'm seeing the difference between Carey and Janelle. At first they both seemed determined and I guess feisty. But as the story progressed Carey became more determined than before and Janelle became more doubtful, like her former self. Janelle is a bit more unsure, thinking that they won't succeed, and Carey is more confident, maybe slightly mysterious, and carries herself (ha ha, see what I did there?) as if she's saying, "I have everything planned out and nothing's going to stop me." Of course, it might just be a mask, like with the Leader. She could be a bit insecure on the inside, as seen when she was writing to her family and crying.

    Did you think I would go without saying the good and bad things about this chapter? I don't usually start with character analysis but it just came out that way. So as usual I'll be fussy first.

    I'm sorry if this is annoying you, it's the last time I'm going to say it; I find your use of the present tense a bit awkward, as well as how you write questions. Here, this, and now don't sound right, question marks are okay, and the word "asked" is too. I know I used to do that too, it's probably in Welcome to Aodel, and if so you must be really annoyed =P I'm such a hypocrite.

    Something about wording, near the beginning you said, "He could wait all night, for all she cared." You said "all" twice and...yeah...

    One thing I'm not sure about is frowning with eyebrows, which to me seems extremely weird. What, does it look like this? --> ( >=/ ) Carey was doing that to Leader guy. I think people have done that a lot in this story.

    By the end, when Emma was talking, I think you could take out the word "stuttering." It seems a little redundant, because of how she talked. Or just say "she stuttered" instead of "she said."

    About the recruits, I'm glad that they got some more and all, but another thing (I'm just being picky here) is how you ended the third paragraph of Janelle's half of the story with "But they were improving every day..." Ending the sentence with ellipses makes it look more important, like the reader should think about the message in it. First of all, it seems to me like you shouldn't need punctuation to have an impactful sentence. Second, I got the impression that Janelle's recruits were letting her down, so having that particular thought (them improving every day) seems paradoxical. I'm sure you have your reasons, though. If I may just make a teeny suggestion, it might be interesting if they were all getting better except for James, and he was too busy playing music. That could give Janelle more reasons to be annoyed by him.

    One last thing. Like in the previous chapter, at times I wasn't empathetic with the characters. What goes on in their heads and what goes on in mine aren't exactly the same. In this chapter it was only with 256 and his worrying about what the Leader was going to say to them, and when Janelle was upset with James (for the first few lines). Again, this might just be me (I get confused a lot =P) or you could be doing this to make it more intriguing. If not, what I usually do to prevent my characters from knowing more than the reader is having just a basic idea of the chapter's plot line before I write and letting it get more complicated as I go through the chapter. Then while writing I suddenly get a crazy idea in my head and think, Wow. I didn't expect that to happen. It's kind of like I'm experiencing the story from the perspective of my characters, knowing the major conflicts while unaware of what will lead to them, and it's more likely to show in the characters' reactions. It can be a little fun, but then again, this might not be the best idea if you get writer's block in the middle of your chapter, realize that things don't work because you should have planned more, or if the story doesn't come out the way you wanted it to. I guess it's a matter of weighing the advantages and disadvantages.

    There were two things that I don't feel need to be changed, but thought were funny the way they were written. The first one was when Emma blushed and you said that she went pink. It's as if boys' cheeks get red when they're embarrassed and girls' cheeks get pink =) Also, at the end it looked like Janelle called Rosa "sweetie" because of the same-gender tag thing.

    Well, this is going to be a long comment. Twice as long as the usual ones. I hope you aren't busy or anything. I haven't gotten to the good parts yet though. Like I said, I really like how you developed your characters, and the way they're weaved into each other and the plot. Their thoughts, dialog and actions are both natural and interesting. I liked how you described 256 and Carey training, and how Carey was mean but then felt bad. I thought it was a little funny when 256 accused her of cheating. I can guess what those two are going to do in the future, but it could be anything and I highly anticipate it. Janelle's future actions aren't so predictable, but her side of this chapter was nicely written because of her argument with James. It lets the reader choose a side, thinking about which one they agree with. I feel sorry for Janelle, because it's as if nobody understands her, and she seems to be negatively affected by Sam's absence.

    I noticed that there are more bigger paragraphs here, but not too many and there's still small ones. Good job on that. The pacing was pretty good.

    I realize that, although this comment was 1,319 words, there may be something that you want to know about what I think of the chapter that I haven't covered. If so, feel free to ask.

    May 12, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Wow, that was a long comment :P It makes me feel my comments are inferior in comparison haha. Would you like me to try and write longer ones?

    Janelle’s parents died around the same time her sister was born (her mother from childbirth, her father from pneumonia). So her sister was taken away after they died, leaving her alone. As for James, he is trying to help her, but he’s probably going about it the wrong way :P Thanks for all the tips again.

    Well, 256 and Janelle do know more than the readers, really :P They both have secrets and are trying to forget about them, which will be revealed later. But these secrets still affect the way they think and act, particularly (like in this chapter, and in Janelle’s case the last one) when they are reminded of them. So when they speak and think like that it’s supposed to be intriguing. In this story, Carey fills the role of the audience surrogate character, in the sense that she doesn’t know more than the readers know and has no big secrets, but the other two are more mysterious, I suppose you could say. As for the blushing thing, I never really thought of the distinction like that. I more see “pink” blushing as just a small blush while “red” blushes are reserved for when the characters are really, really embarrassed, regardless of their gender :P

    May 12, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Reply

    Your comments certainly are not inferior =) I only write longs ones because I don't want to miss anything, and tend to get carried away. (How many bad Carrie puns can I make in these comments? =P) You could try writing longer comments if you want the challenge but any length is okay as long as you say what there is to say. Otherwise there could be a lot of fluff.

    Sorry but I am not able to comment another chapter today. I have to make the edits on Welcome to Aodel according to your comments, and get to work on my new story. If you want I could start doing littler comments and getting more in, otherwise I can still give long ones. Either way is fine with me.

    May 12, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    I like your comments the way they are :) And take as long as you want, I don’t really have time at the moment to do much editing at the moment so there’s no rush.

    May 13, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 11 Reply

    Ha ha, I don't know why, but I found it a little funny when Carey was staring at 256's face, in the beginning. That and her feeling guilty must mean that she *cares* about him. That was my Carey pun. Oh, and if you just rolled your eyes, sorry, but at least I spelled her name right this time. Anyway, I'll shut up and get on to your comment;

    I really like how you have Carey's and Janelle's thoughts. One thing, I feel that Carey's (at the beginning part) could be more fluent. It seemed to me as though her thoughts were in response to your narrations. One example;

    Carey closed her eyes, taking care to slow her breathing gradually so it looked like she was falling asleep. But this soon became unnecessary, as 256 fell asleep much quicker than she thought he would. I suppose he trusts me more than I thought. This idea made her feel a little guilty, like she was using him or something. No, don’t think that. He’ll understand why I have to do this. Eventually.

    This may be a personal thing, but I would probably split up the paragraphs so your narrations and Carey's thoughts don't mix, or maybe show what exactly she was thinking, like maybe instead of the "This idea" sentence you could say, in a separate paragraph, "I can't just leave him here. It's like I'm using him." Or something like that. Then the next sentence would be in a separate paragraph too, look dialog. Because that's what it is, dialog, just inside Cary's brain.

    Another thing I found strange was that you described the appearances of 256, Janelle, and Samantha in this chapter. It seemed a bit late, since you already talked about what Janelle and Samantha looked like, and 256 has been around a lot and there were opportunities to describe him earlier.

    There were several wording and spelling errors throughout. I hope you'll forgive me if I don't tell you the exact locations, but that might tempt you to be less meticulous when you self-edit. It's not a lot and doesn't slow down the pace, so it's not too bad.

    Lastly, some of the paragraphs were pretty big, and I don't know if some people will dislike that and get slowed down. I thought it was fine though. At least you broke them up, like when Marvin was talking at the end.

    I like how Carey had to make the decision of returning to 256, even though she could have gotten freedom. That was very smart of her. All the decisions she's been having to make is a strong part of the book, making it interesting.

    Same with the relationships between the characters, such as Janelle and Samantha. Janelle should have been happy that her friend was finally back, accomplishing what she had left to do and getting her brother to help them. I guess Janelle is so stressed out from all the hard work she has to that she just snapped at her best friend. The motive for their argument how they reacted to each otherplayed, so good job on that.

    It's interesting that Janelle doesn't know much about how the world works, like gasses and stuff. Protagonists not knowing basic things like that can be easily overlooked, but you had it in here and I thought it was a nice touch.

    The hierarchy part was fascinating. It's your own unique spin on the typical four elements thing. If air is the most powerful, I guess that explains why the Leader is in a position of power. I kind of feel bad for the fire and earth giftees, because the other gifted sort of look down on them and see them as weak. Maybe that's why 256 seems so peaceful, so that he doesn't get out of control and kill himself.

    Another tasty part of this chapter was when you explained the villagers of the mountain, where Jan and Sam came from. The low survival rate was sad. I wonder what happened to Sam's family, and if her dad will be a part of the story. I don't know why I still think someone's 256 from the future...I don't even like sci fi =P I just have the feeling that it's so.

    Everything seems a bit happyish. 256 and Carey are getting along (oh, they're getting along all right), Samantha returned to find her brother and he's going to help them, the recruits are getting better, and thanks to Marvin we knew more about the gifted. That's all fine, because the story would be pretty bad if there were just gloomy parts. And Janelle did get into a fight with Samantha, so it isn't too optimistic. But I wonder if they're going to wake up..."And it was all a dream."

    That looks like all for today but I'm staying home tomorrow so I might be able to get in two more reviews then. I really like this story and look forward to reading more.

    May 14, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comment! I’m glad you liked the hierarchy thing, I thought it was only natural they’d have a “my powers are better than your powers” thing going on, so…

    And wait, does that mean you think Sam’s dad is 256 from the future? xD That’s an… interesting theory ;)

    May 15, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 17 Reply

    Poor 256! I'm really worried about the guy. I can imagine what sort of punishments the Gifted could come up with and none of them are particularly pleasant. I hope he'll be okay...

    I was glad that someone finally told Janelle what she needed to hear. I've felt sorry for Janelle since the rebel's defeat, (her reaction to that event and her continued moping and self-doubt since then was realistic, expected, and wholly justified) however I'm glad to see that she's finally getting the strength and courage to own her failures but realize that she can still be a good leader regardless. I don't think she's fully ready to resume her position, but she seems to be on her way.

    She really needed to hear what Marvin said to her. He actually expressed my own feelings on the matter quite well! I had suspected that Samantha would be the one to talk some sense into her, but I liked that Marvin did it instead. As much as I mistrusted him initially, he comes across as being very wise. I still think there's more to him than what he's revealed so far, but he seems to have both the good of Janelle and the rebellion at heart.

    I'm worried about Carey, of course. Although, I'd like to ask her why in the world she decided to waltz into an unknown building in the middle of the forest while still wearing her Gifted uniform. I'm sure it's cold outside, but she'd have been better off going in there stark naked than wearing that! She needs to have a talk with someone about thinking before she does things :D I do imagine the rebels are going to capture her now and question her. I don't see Janelle resorting to torture to get information out of her, but I'm still concerned. I hope she'll be able to convince the rebels that they are on the same side.

     

    May 15, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Well, Carey was tired, hungry and cold, so she wasn’t really thinking at her most rational level ;) Even for Carey, that is very reckless :P

    And as for 256, you should be worried… Muhahaha.

    May 15, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 12 Reply

    Well, I think 1719 (hey, that's the year I was born in!) is having an identity crisis. You seemed to think that she was a guy named 2405. I mean, having a number as a name could be considered an id crisis in itself, but still =) I'm guessing she was 2405 at first, and then you changed him/her? If so, I understand. I've done that more than once in my stories. A friend from fanfiction showed me this cool thing where if you press the Ctrl and F keys at the same time, this long skinny box comes up at the top of your window and if you type a word into it that word is highlighted every time it appears in your chapter, so you can type in the person's old name and see where you put that name to change it to the new one, and you can't miss it. I don't know if it's just on our computers (it's not a sparkatale thing, you can do it anywhere), but wanted to tell you in case you have it too. Am I making sense? Sorry for rambling. I'm talking way more than I should.

    It looks like we both type our ellipses wrong. I think you write them like. . . this, when there should be a space in between not only each period and the word after it but also the first period and the letter before it (like . . . this). I don't know, I may be wrong. Sorry for being dumb =P

    One thing I noticed, either an inconsistency or a confusion, is the number of gifted in the gifted building. Before they entered and after 1719 talked to the group of peoplefive people. Were nineteen of them not gifted or something?

    Was Carey's face literally green? Is that part of her stealth abilities XD Wait, can people actually be green in real life, like a witch??? *mind blown*

    Lastly, I was like, "Wait, what?" when 1719 asked Carey and George if they would like to know why they were sent there, even though the Leader already told them. I guess maybe she was reminding them or something, it just seemed weird to me.

    I'm really liking your air of mystery in these chapters. It isn't too confusing, because the reader is still aware of emotions, place, time, character, and that stuff. It's interesting...I really want to know the relationship between George and 440. What kind of gift does George have? Hmm.....hm. I also want to know if Carey has a contact power, where she can do something to someone when she touches them. Or maybe she's just a distance user, like the earth gifted. I'll just have to see the full potential of the powers she carries.

    Another aspect that I like is your vocabulary. I don't get the feeling of repetition, and I may be overlooking it but the chapters seem well written, with variation in word use.

    The last thing I liked is the way you focused on George's thoughts, and didn't switch between the thoughts of different characters. When you wanted to show how other characters, you revealed it through their dialog, which was also well written. The interactions between Carey and George are nice, like how she was upset  by the way villagers avoided her, and when she heard George talking to himself. Anyway, focusing on George's thoughts was more fluent the way you wrote it, so god job.

     

    May 15, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Well, you must be doing well for about 295 ;) Haha, you are right, she was originally a man (and with a different number).  Thanks for telling me that, it’ll make my life a lot easier :P As for Carey’s face being green, it’s a figure of speech, is it not? xD I guess I did kind of make it sound like her face is literally green, though.

    As for 440’s Gift (I’m assuming that’s what you meant to write, I hope I’ve made 256’s Gift obvious by now ;P), he has the Gift of Air. It’s not supposed to be a secret or anything, so I’m not giving you spoilers :P It just never came up in this chapter.

    May 16, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 13 Reply

    Oh, great. What a cliffhanger. This was a short, easy-reading chapter, so I think I'm going to give a shorter comment.

    The chapter seemed a bit repetitive because a lot of the stuff, like the way the characters think and act, has happened before. I've already seen Janelle worry about whether to go with the plan, even though the two older men disagree with it, and her being annoyed by James and Emma. Carey already tried to escape but failed, two chapters ago.

    However, this chapter wasn't useless. I learned a few things. Carey and 256 arrived a month ago, and in another month the rebels are going to attack the Lake Village. By the way, do they know about the reinforcements? It doesn't look like it. I'm a little nervous, because it looks like they're going to get killed. Especially if 440 has the Gift of air. Plus they don't seem to be taking it seriously. They lost the element of surprise, but hopefully Marvin's information will give them the upper hand.

    Anyway, I also learned in this chapter that Emma ran away for the same reason as Jan and Sam, and that James wants adventure (which is kind of ironic, because he seems to prefer staying in the inn playing music, and that isn't very adventurous). I was surprised when I found out that the story has factories and trains. This must be how Carey felt when she found out...interesting.

    I'm going to nag you about four little things. One is Richard. I don't remember you naming him, but I assume he's the old man that joined them near the end of chapter seven.

    Didn't James leave? He said near the end of chapter nine that he gave up because Janelle was a lost cause. It seemed like he was still with the movement though in this chapter, the way he talked to them.

    A tiny thing that slightly annoyed me was how James and Emma both said, "You know?" at the end of their sentences, as if Emma was copying James.

    Lastly, Janelle sipped the soup even though it was too hot. She really is a rebel.

    A lot of the things I like are from the previous chapters, like the decision-making and thoughts. You still have the interesting character relationships. Carey cares about 256 because he was nice to her, but feels a little mad at him still for taking her away in the first place. And Janelle also has a sort of love-hate relationship, with James and Emma. They annoy her, but she wants the company. I like how their feelings aren't all black and white.

    Yeah, that's about it for this comment. Let me know if you have any questions.

    May 16, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    I thought I should explain the time skips in this chapter, because I’m not sure if you fully understood them (which is my fault, this chapter is a confusing one). Janelle’s part is set at the same time chapter ten took place, in fact it was originally part of it but 256’s part was too long, so I split it up. That’s why this chapter is rather repetitive and short, because I was trying to fill space… I definitely need to fix it up :P.  Anyway, Carey’s part of this chapter is set a month after Janelle’s part. Sorry if you already got that, I just wasn’t sure and if you didn’t you’d probably be really confused at the next one :P

     As for James, he meant he was leaving the room and giving up on trying to help Janelle with her anti-socialness, not leaving the rebellion altogether :P And in a way, playing music is adventurous, because it’s illegal for the nonGifted to leave their village without permission and play in places like the inn. It’s a different kind of adventure, I suppose you could say :P Thanks for the tips again. Heh, the "you know" thing is actually a speech tic of mine (I say it all the time, you know?) xD Anyway, feel free to point it out whenever I overuse that phrase, because it probably happens a lot.

    May 17, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 18 Reply

    Okay, so it's roughly 2am and I've been awake since 6am yesterday and I'm exhausted, but I can't get to sleep so here I am. I said that so you'll know that if anything I say here makes absolutely no sense, well you know why XD

    Anyway, very good chapter. Samantha's story was intriguing and I'm not sure I believe she was lying. As Carey said, that story was well thought out. There's no way she came up with that on the fly. I'm very interested to see where that goes!

    And poor Carey! How she'll get out of this one, I have no idea. I feel like she'll have a tough time convincing the rebels that she's on their side. I still don't see the rebels resorting to torture, but I expect some sort of serious interrogation happening in the next chapter.

    One thing that I noticed was that it seemed odd that Janelle was so certain Carey was no threat very quickly. I would have thought, given recent events, that she would be overly suspicious of everyone but most particularly a Gifted girl that just strode into their secret headquarters. Not a big deal, just something that struck me as odd.

    May 17, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Haha, you’re right, it is odd. Honestly that was very lazy writing from me :P I plan on doing lots of editing to this once my exams are over, and that’s one of the first things on my list lol.

    May 19, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 14 Reply

    A Note: I think your did very well on this action scene. Emma and James dying was most unexpected, and made the fight very thrilling! Also, the fact that Janelle, Carey, and 256 are all main characters but Carey and 256 were fighting Janelle, because they were on different sides. I didn't know which one to root for, but rather hoped that Janelle managed to knock 256 down and not kill him. But then again, she was going to kill Carey, and would have if it weren't for 256. So...I guess I'm glad with the way things worked out. for those three. It was really sad when the few rebels died. The other thing was that wavering between hope and despair as at times it looked like Carey/Janelle were gaining the upper hand, then they were losing, and it switched back and forth. I thought it was realistic that they forgot what they were told, between Carey using her gift and Janelle not letting 256 touch her.

    Oh, yeah, just an aside; I think I'm going to stop using emoticons because I feel really girly. By no means is it due to hating your chapters or anything and I don't want to seem less friendly, just wanted to say that.

    Anyway, there were a few things that I would like to point out here. (Sorry if I say something stupid again.) One is when in the eleventh paragraph (begins with "okay") 1719 told the Gifted to not waste their time and just kill the rebels, but, as 440 told them to three paragraphs above that, they talked to them first.

    Secondly, now this might be really stupid of me, but I've never heard someone say, "I just mean." Just...I don't know if that was a typo, or people say that...

    One thing I forgot to ask you was what instrument James plays. It's a little detail, but one that I was curious about.

    I'm not the best at action scenes, so I apologize as I honestly couldn't find anything that was particularly bad about it. I looked over it again, and can offer you one thing, that it was night, so I think that it would quite possibly be hard for everybody to see...? Unless there were street lights or something, or maybe the fire illuminated the fight, which I would mention.

    I liked how Carey and 256 acted. Carey was nervous about fighting, because she would be fighting her own people on the side of her enemies, but didn't want the Gifted to see her hesitate. Before she could turn invisible, Janelle got to her. She had no choice but to fight.

    It was funny how Carey was insulted when 256 tried to help him, and then insulted him back. That seemed very natural.

    I'm glad 256 didn't kill himself when he set himself on fire. That part was a little tense. I wonder if he's going to have those feelings bother him after saving Carey's life and risking death for her. And I'm anxious to find out what's with him and 440.

    It was so shocking when Sam killed 1719, the sort-of leader of the town's Gifted's leader. I guess she wasn't expecting Sam to attack. I just mean, neither was I.

    Wait, did 256 mean to keep Jan alive? That's interesting. If so, maybe he was doing it for Carey, because he didn't want to hurt someone on his crush's side.

    That's it for this comment. I know you're busy, so it's understandable if you don't have the time to reply right away. Sorry if I was interrupting your work, I hope you got it all done.

    May 18, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Haha, don’t people say that all the time? Maybe it’s an Australian thing :P I know I say it all the time. Thanks for all the critiques, I must admit I never thought of that (the not being able to see thing).

    As for 256, you are right. He did keep Janelle alive deliberately, but his crush on Carey didn’t have anything to do with it :P I’m glad you noticed that, actually. It'll be important later on.

    James sings (sung?). I suppose he probably would play the lute or something while he sung too. I never really thought about it that much because he dies so early on :P

    And, no you haven’t interrupted me haha. It’s nice to have a break from work sometimes. I’ll try to review your story later tonight. I’m sorry, I’ll probably be a lot slower than before for the next few weeks, I’m a bit overwhelmed right now O.o

    May 19, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 15 Reply

    Am I supposed to understand what exactly 256 and 440 did? It seems to make 440 feel smug, and 256 thought he moved over it but is still bothered. I think it was something bad, having to do with women...but 256 is still a virgin, according to 440. And why were the two boys screaming? I don't know, if you want to tell me then fine, otherwise I'll wait.

    Sorry if this is off topic, but I would like to apologize for what I said in my last reply about your comments being more valuable. I wasn't trying to imply that they are not already. Actually, they are very special to me because they're honest and direct but fun to read, and you've made some very good points. I guess what I meant to say is that your comments are like really yummy chocolate cake. You don't want someone to feed you it all at once. Instead it's better getting it a little at a time, so you can savor it. So it's okay if you're going to be slower for the next few weeks because then I can savor your comments =)

    As for your review; I'm still liking the thoughts (in italics), because they help make things more intense and submersive. I just think they would be a bit more fluent if if they weren't almost always at the end of the paragraph they're in. This might be another personal thing, but it sort of makes a pattern of actions, thoughts, actions, etc. and it feels less natural that way. 

    I didn't think that there was much that was wrong here. Two more things, they might just be me as well. One is on the 21st paragraph, where 256 ignored 440. I was confused when 440 let him do that, not talking immediately but creeping up on him later.

    Second is when several paragraphs down, when 256 thought about how he had ruined his boots. It seemed a little irrelevant to me. Also, 256 doesn't sound like a person who would say "Damn it."

    Anyway, I liked how you dealt with the sensitive matter of sex in this chapter (440 talking to 256 about Carey, and Janelle having had a baby). Your story up until now hadn't even gone near there, so when 440 mentioned it, I was a little shocked. It helped create the mood of the chapter, and I felt a little of 256's resentment for 440. The way 256 reacted to 440's suggestion was appropriate, as you aren't making sexual misconduct sound like a good thing. The subtle way 440 mentioned it was also good. I just hope 256 isn't going to do anything to Carey that he will regret in the near future. He must not give in!

    The relationship between 256 and 440 is well thought-out and intriguing. They give the story a bit of mystery. What's also nice is the relationship between Janelle and Samantha.

    I'm glad that the girls are friends again. And the way you wrote their conversations; the narration was a bit repetitive, the way you had it, but that reflected the repetitiveness of Samantha and Marvin talking to Janelle so many times. It was nice to hear them talking, to get the chance to know what Sam was telling Jan. I agree with her and think Jan should keep leading them, because she cares so much about her rebels. Also, I'm glad that you didn't make Jan change her mind at the end of the chapter. That would have been anticipated, but instead you went with the realistic but not quite expected move. I mean, Sam persuaded me, and I thought Jan would be convinced as well. But that didn't happen. Her actual conclusion was rather thought-provoking.

    I'm ending the comment here. Don't worry about me being ahead of you on comments. Like I tried to say, it's okay if you can't get in a lot for a while. I love reading them but certainly don't mind waiting. So I can keep commenting once per day/two days, stop commenting for a while, or type up the comments but not post them until you aren't busy any more. Which would you prefer?

    May 19, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    No, you’re not supposed to know what they did yet. But I will say this: It’s not so much what they did that makes them act the way they’re acting, it’s the consequence they both received from it. And no women were involved (at least, not in that way). The stuff about sex in this chapter was a reflection on 440 himself, and what he’s become, I suppose you could say. It didn’t really have anything to do with what they did, aside from the screaming part.

    Anyway, you don’t need to worry about 256 doing something to Carey lol. He’s attracted to her, obviously, but he’s not really thinking of “that” yet… Which is partly why 440 is mocking him in this chapter, because he’s so clueless. To be honest, 440’s just slightly crazy :P As for Janelle, I’m glad you think her reaction was realistic.

    I don’t really mind what you do :) I like reading your comments, and I have enough time to read them (I just don’t feel I’ll have much time to read your chapter and give thorough comments).But I don’t mind if you want to stop and wait for me to catch up, or read ahead. Either is fine.

    May 19, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 16 Reply

    Wow. What's going to happen with Carey now? She finally escaped, but had to leave 256. I was literally crying (not really) but really this chapter was so tense and emotional. I didn't think that she would be able to escape...that was really nice of 256. He's way nicer than 440 (okay, that's an understatement). Will he regret his decisions? Will Carey find the rebels and join them? Maybe be the leader? I'm still wondering whether she has more powers that the Leader didn't tell her about, because it says in the description that she has powers even the Gifted can't explain.

    I could only find two negative things for this chapter. I was confused when Carey thought that 256 would kill her. I just mean, sure, she thought he had to, but they're friends. Also, 440 said that he wouldn't kill her, but then he said that he would. and then he told her to keep it a secret. I think I might have misinterpreted that part.

    I was a little confused at this part;

    256 stepped out from behind a tree. His black hair was disheveled, his uniform covered in dust. But that was nothing compared to his dark brown eyes, not a hint of emotion reflected in them.

    What did you mean by, "But that was nothing"?

    There are two things that I forgot to talk about in the last reviews. I liked how in chapter 12 you used Janelle's and 256's height as a factor for their fight. It was interesting how Janelle was used to fighting someone who was taller than her, but 256 made it hard for her because he's short too. I also liked how Janelle in chapter 13 was upset about not knowing the rebels' names, because the Gifted don't use their names. It's like she felt like a Gifted person or something.

    You've been doing a great job of paying attention to detail, like how much heat 256 can tolerate and Carey tiring. The thing where she has to be invisible to not make any noise was interesting. I liked your action scenes, where Carey fought 440 and 256.

    Let me know if there's anything that you want my thoughts on, something I haven't covered, and I would be happy to answer any questions you may have.

    By the way, when did you change your last name? Are you a spy?

    May 20, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Thanks for commenting! Heh, I never thought of that (about Carey thinking that 256 would kill her). It does seem strange :P Anyway, 440 meant he wouldn’t kill her at first, he’d just use his Air powers to stop her from struggling while he did certain things to her, and then after he’d kill her. Therefore, what he’d done would be their secret (because he’s only supposed to kill her for disobeying the Gifted).  

    Yes, I am a spy! Muhahahaha. No, I changed it a few days ago lol.

    May 21, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 17 Reply

    Is that what 256 and 440 did in the past, let someone go? Will 256 get the punishment that they got before? If 440 felt a wee bit sorry for him (he was looking down as 256 begged him for help) then it must be a really harsh punishment. I hope 256 will be okay. It was nice of him to let Carey go. Maybe she'll help the rebels or something. Oh, and that ending. I HAVE to find out what happens. So I'm going to read the next chapter right after finishing this comment. Carey, 256, and Janelle, they're all good guys but each one is technically an enemy of the other two. I really like what you have going here. Excellent plot.

    I'm still having a hard time finding things I don't like in these chapters, even after looking back on it a few times. I don't want to leave you without any criticism, though, so I'm going to say a few things that confused me in this chapter. I apologize if I'm just being stupid or over-analytical.

    One, it could just be a little thing, is that 2405 was at first disapproving of 256 and his actions. You said that there was not a hint of emotion in her voice. It seemed like nobody really had any sympathy for 256. But then 2405 was smiling sadly, and 440 looked like he was struggling to agree with 2405. I mean, 440's a molester, why would he care so much about 256? It seemed like he didn't really like him.

    Another thing is 440 not being punished. He let Carey go too, maybe not intentionally but he did. And the others knew it. Wouldn't they be suspicious of him too? They accepted the fact of her overcoming him (an air Giftee nonetheless).

    The last thing is really picky. Near the end Janelle tried to disguise the hesitation in her voice, in the paragraph that began with, "We – we have to keep going..." I feel that disguising hesitation is a bit impossible, because pausing is obvious. Did you mean to say disguise the doubt in her voice? Or do people disguise hesitation in their voices in Australia? I guess that's another cultural thing.

    Like in the other chapters, this one has great thoughts and dialog. It all seems natural, but not necessarily expected. 256's reaction and Marvin's talk with Janelle were nicely done. It's interesting how the rebels wanting to see her finally got Janelle off the bed and change her mind. And 256 obviously is worried about his punishment, and doesn't want to go through it, even though he seemed brave before.

    I liked your idea of sedating 256. The people also had the Gift of fire, so they couldn't get burned by 256 but cut off his air supply with smoke.

    Your transitions were nice too, not with the space between paragraphs but with the change of emotions between the characters, especially with Janelle.

    Okay, that's it for this chapter. But I'm going to move on to the next chapter right away because I really want to know what happens next. Until then.

    May 21, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Molesters have feelings too :P 440’s feelings towards 256 are quite complicated. Anyway, the main reason they’re not punishing 440, is that he didn’t really show any prior attachment to Carey, while 256 did because he’s bad at hiding his feelings. But, you are right. That probably is too simple :P

    And no, you’re never being stupid or over-analytical! The pickier you are, the better for me haha :P

    May 21, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 17 Reply

    Nooo that's just as much of a cliffhanger! Anyway, I knew it! I knew Samantha was Gifted. Well, I guessed it. She's hiding something from Janelle, and is so confident. And it would make sense, if 256 and 440 freed her in the past. Or maybe just 440...Now I'm just confused. Is she gifted? Couldn't she have used her Gift of fire during the fight? And what was in her dagger pouch? Your plot is so brilliant. You obviously put a lot of thought into it.

    I'm really sorry, but I still can't find as much to dislike about these chapters. I've been focusing so much on the story itself. I feel really bad, like my comments are less valuable. I do have a few things to point out, but like I said, if you have any questions, even about an earlier chapter, feel free to ask.

    Anyway, one thing is how Janelle and Samantha expected to gain Carey's trust. She's a Gifted, and could have harmed them. Why would any normal Gifted trust a villager? I mean, they were suspicious of her.

    Some of the things I've said in earlier comments, like spelling typos and the thoughts thing, should be considered for all the chapters when you self-edit. They aren't a big thing, but can be found in several chapters.

    I don't really like Samantha that much. She seems too perfect. Beautiful, smart, wise, really cares about her friends...and she's gifted? Eh...I'm sure you have her weaknesses, I would like to know them. Sorry, I just hate perfect people.

    One more thing as I desperately look for things to nag about. The story generally doesn't appeal to all five senses, and this could be a minor thing, but at times you may want to think more about how the characters react to their environment, and how it effects them. Kind of like how well they can see in the dark.

    Is there a spy in the inn? Rosa or Samantha would make great spies. Rosa seems too nice, and Samantha is likely Gifted. And what was that exchange between Samantha and Rosa before Rosa got them the sandwiches? Was Rosa going to poison Carey, because she wore the Gifted uniform, and Sam warned her not to?

    It really messed with my mind when Samantha said that she used to live in village 13, and wandered from sanctuary to sanctuary. Just like that old lady previously mentioned earlier in the chapter and and in chapter 1.

    Poor Carey, she's Gifted, so the others are scared of her, but the Gifted hate her for running away. How would her family react if she returns?

    I thought it was a little funny when they all turned their heads toward Carey, and Janelle thought they could be less obvious. It's nice how you pay attention to little things like that.

    Yeah, that's just about all I have to say. Are you sure this is the first draft? Surely not, it's so good. I really like this story. Unfortunately I can't read another chapter today. It's been a pleasure, and I hope you have a nice day/ night's sleep. 

    May 21, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    About Samantha, that’s actually good if you feel that way about her. She’s supposed to appear this kind of perfect, cool person, and then starting from now on her various flaws and insecurities will begin to be revealed. The biggest one has already been touched upon, but not really mentioned much. I’ll give you a hint – the statement, “really cares for her friends” is wrong. There’s just one letter that needs to be removed before it’s correct :P

    Thanks for the comments! You flatter me haha. Anyway, I’ll do my best to get to your story tonight. I’m staying home tomorrow, so if not I’ll definitely comment then! :)

    May 21, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 19 Reply

    So "really cares for her friends" is wrong and I have to take out a letter? What, does she really care for her fiends? Oh no, she's a demon!!! Just kidding, I get it. Janelle's her only friend, which is sad and curious. I can't wait to find out about her past - her real one. Also, is her brother Thomas an earth Gifted? That could be how he makes the swords, and maybe he points his ring finger so he doesn't accidentally use his Gift somehow? Of course, the earth Gifted can't use their powers on contact, so I don't know how that would work.

    When looking over your chapters, remember to check for past things, like thoughts and spelling. I think you've used American spelling once or twice, as in "realize" instead of "realise." (Ha ha, my spell check says that realise isn't a word.) Of course you can do the Ctrl+F thing to see where.

    I'm definitely not trying to imply anything when I ask this, but do you read your chapters back before publishing them? I've been trying to get into that habit because it reveals a lot of mistakes that you didn't notice when writing. Also, there are some things that only you can catch, because you know how exactly you want the story to go and it might not look the way you want it, but people who comment on it won't be able to tell.

    Another thing is sometimes it's hard to tell who's talking. This is one example, again you can find it by pressing the Ctrl and F keys and typing it in:

    She smirked as she saw the vein in Janelle’s forehead pulsing. “Fine, it was me. Happy now? And I would have killed you too, but one of the other Gifted attacked me before I could.”

    The main person doing something is Carey, but the dialog was Janelle's. It wasn't that confusing, just slowed down the pace a bit.

    I think the thing with Reagan was interesting, and the way he acted made me laugh. I don't really like how Janelle's reaction to him was portrayed. It seemed a little strange to me how Janelle was suspicious but didn't do anything, thinking she was just being suspicious. I don't know, I just think that she would be more careful. I thought she was being paranoid too (being suspicious of someone just because they're enthusiastic) but it doesn't seem like her. I don't know, maybe it's just me.

    I wasn't feeling Janelle's impatience when she talked to Carey for the second time, at the end. At first she seemed emotionless, maybe curious, and then she was being nice, and then trying to stay calm.

    I thought that everything else was well done though. Janelle made a great point at the end. I hadn't thought of the Gifted going to her village. I like how Samantha and Janelle treated Carey differently, so that there was a difference between them. Samelle seemed more vicious, like she wanted to get revenge on Carey or something. Janantha was impatient, but tried hard to hide it because she wanted to gain Carey's trust. And yes, I misspelled their names on purpose. Anyway, the things they said and how they said it was interesting.

    I'm glad you talked about Thomas. I wanted to know more about him, and he sounds like an interesting figure. It adds to the mystery of everything, because we still don't know much about him, and his finger is weird. He wears gloves, too.

    Don't ask why, maybe because of the way things worked out in the chapter, but I'm expecting them to all wake up, and it will have been a dream. Maybe it's something like Sword Art Online with that ALfheim thing where they have different magic powers, but it isn't real. That's my crazy theory for this chapter =P

    I wish I could read more today but I can only fit in one comment. I'll be looking forward to reading another chapter tomorrow.

    May 22, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comment. I do read over my stuff, I’m just a really bad editor xD Annoyingly, my spell check says that “realise” and words like that are spelt wrong too. Well, it used to, when I wrote this chapter. It took me a long time to realise (ha) that I could just change the language on my computer to Australian English… I’m not very smart xD

    May 22, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 20 Reply

    "What a strange dagger she had." How? Was it a dagger that her brother made her? Using his GIFT? Wow, if they're both Gifted...anybody could be gifted, really. Maybe every single person on the small island isolated from the rest of the world has one, and it's just more obvious in some of them. The civilians, as with Carey and maybe Samantha/Thomas, could have Gifts but even the Gifted can't detect it, so on Assessment day they aren't taken. Or the Gifted could know about it, and only take the ones who obviously have one. And their goal would be to keep things under control, maybe things would get bloody and stuff if normal people realized they had Gifts and got into fights.

    Something I thought was a little weak was the emotion change. Maybe it's because I'm a boy and we boys are so apathetic, but the way Carey and Janelle just burst out crying (Carey in the previous chapter) seemed not random but dramatic. You might not want to put thoughts in there, because it was from Carey's perspective. But Janelle seems like a sort of privatish person, not someone who would cry in front of someone who resented her. Or were those fake tears? The rest of their emotions were good.

    The time is a bit confusing. At first I thought it was night, then late morning (They gave Carey breakfast in the late morning? That's late!), and after that it was in the afternoon. I wonder if one of them has the Gift of Time.

    I would like to know what Carey thinks of the other rebels after she met them. Surely she's hoping that she can get along with her new allies, or maybe seeing which ones she could trust more, maybe they're still a little suspicious of her, and she reacts somehow. Oh yeah, everybody but Samantha seemed suddenly excited about having a rogue Gifted on their side, while before they were more serious.

    Though I guess Janelle is happy about it because, if the Gifted are still human on the inside, then her daughter wasn't turned into a cruel, heartless person like the Gifted are always thought to be.

    It's nice how you remember little things, like Carey needing to change and a wooden sword, and her thought process up to the point of her making her decision. It was funny how she was being bitter towards Janelle, criticizing her and giving her dirty looks. Also the way she thought Janelle was smug, even though she was happy. Unless she really was smug. Was she?

    I was a little confused when you said that they went upstairs to the first floor. In Australia do you count the ground floor and first floor as two different floors? How strange.

    Wait, was Samantha's story true, if she threatened Carey at the end? Before she said it was partially false, a story from her village. That sounds like that one old lady that Carey met. Did Samantha and Carey both come from Village 13? I wonder if they're related somehow. It occurred to me that Carey didn't tell them her names.

    This is a bit unrelated, but I wonder what would have happened if 256 told the Gifted that he let Carey go so that she wouldn't tempt him to feel unnecessary and distracting emotions (love).

    That's it for today. I hope you've found this comment helpful.

     

    May 23, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comment! It was very helpful haha. After my exams are over and I begin my rewrites, your comments will be very valuable (not that they aren’t now). Sorry for the confusion regarding time. I’m not very good at keeping those sort of things consistent, as you’ve probably noticed ;) Janelle is excited and a little smug because she feels like she did something right (after all their failures) by convincing Carey to help them. Marvin isn’t that excited, and Reagan’s just an excitable person ;)

    And yes, we do name the floors like that. It depends where you go, but most places will call the ground floor “ground floor” and the floor above it “first floor”. Other places will call the ground floor the first floor. We’re weird like that. It’s like with American/British English, neither is “officially” used, although British is more common. As long as you’re consistent, you can use either. Sorry for rambling, btw.

    Hah, I don’t think the Gifted would have believed him if he’d said that, even if he was a good liar. They’d say he shouldn’t have been tempted in the first place :P

    May 24, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 21 Reply

    Until the end when 256 thought about being someone's son or brother, I thought he was in love with 913 and 440 (in a romantic way), and I was going to say that it didn't make sense that he would love all three of them, or that he would love another boy if he loved two girls. Anyway, it's crazy how the Gifted disapprove of family relationships as well as romantic ones...I wonder what their motive is. Distracting emotions doesn't seem like a fair excuse, because it's only distracting when people like 256 are tortured and forced to spend time alone thinking about where their loyalties lie. Then again, I don't know what it was like before the Gifted made that rule, so maybe I can't judge them.

    You're writing is good overall, though there is the problem of repetition. People are always referred to as he, she, the older man, or the older woman, the latter two being more common than one might think. Also, type in "after all" in that word search thing (Ctrl+F) and you'll see that you used it like "...after all. After all..."

    I was confused at the beginning, when 256 was having that dream/memory about when he met 440 (though I really liked reading it). Also at the end, when 256 had those thoughts. I thought that it was the seven-year-old 256 thinking, not the eighteen-year-old one. Also, "See you later" seemed like a weird three words to seal his fate. It should be obvious that they would see each other, and saying that didn't make them brothers.

    At about two thirds of the way down (type in chances) the Leader talked about how 256 got a third chance. Wouldn't it be his fourth? After 913 he got his second chance, third one with 440, and...unless it's the third because he wasn't punished with 913.

    You did a good job of conveying the emotions here. It was funny how 440 was being both mean and nice to 256 at the same time. His feelings really are ambivalent.

    I also liked 256's thoughts, and how you wrote them. It was obvious that he's split between two personalities, the "rational" one and a humanitarian one. It's sad how he's going to forget about the people he loves just so he can fit in with the other Gifted. It was a hard decision for him though, and he doesn't completely want to do it, so I'm thinking that he won't really forget. He didn't forget before, and it's not in his personality. You know what they say, people never change. He has a purpose and life, and I think he will be crucial when they bring down the Gifted. He is a main character after all, so hopefully he doesn't become corrupted like 440.

    It was interesting how they spared 256 because of the small amount of Gifted on the island. Maybe that's one of their weaknesses. The rebels might be weaker, but might easily outnumber them. If I have my history facts right, kind of like Russia in the world wars.

    Another thing is how there are numerous rebellions. They're all run by Janelle's group, right? I wonder if they're accomplishing anything besides getting support, and why they're attacking the larger villages where there's more Gifted.

    There are two more things I would like to say, two things I'm a little curious about. One is what the Gifted do if they don't find out their Gift until they're five to seven years old. Do they learn swordplay, unarmed combat, history? Are they just looked after, like little kids in a daycare, not learning much of anything?

    The last thing before finishing this comment is that I wonder what it would be like if one of the Gifted were seen with a pet, and what their opinion on that is. 256 has been a son, a brother, friend, a lover...but not a pet owner. Hm...

    May 24, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    The Gifted are taught how to fight before they get their Gifts with their trainers. After their powers appear they train in sword fighting and stuff for half the day, and the second half they spend learning their Gifts with the rest of their group. They don’t learn much history about the island, they don’t learn to read and write. Their access to knowledge is almost completely limited, because that way they will remain obedient. It’s important to remember that people like 256 (and 440, although the punishment worked on him) are an oddity, most of the Gifted kind of retreat into their own shell at an early age. Sorry if I’m boring you, by the way. I find psychology really interesting.

     Anyway, they don’t count 913 because he was only seven, and even the Gifted know that given the way their training system works a kid forming an attachment to their trainer is kind of natural. It’s the trainer’s job to kind of distance them, especially as they get older, but 913 was too “motherly” to him and therefore she was punished for it while he wasn’t. Anyway, being a pet owner would be the worst! They’d kill him for it for sure! :P

    Sorry about all the repetition. It’s a bad habit of mine. I’m warning you now, there’s going to be a lot more, because I tend to refer to 805 as “older man” a lot. It’s because whenever I have the Gifted talking to each other I always feel weird repeating their numbers too much (they sound like robots lol). Speaking of 805, I have a question for you: What is your opinion on him at this point? I know he’s barely appeared, but I’d really like to know your first impression (because I guarantee it will probably change after the next chapter :P).

    Sorry for the really long reply, by the way.

    May 25, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Reply

    Ha ha, don't be sorry. As for my first impression on 805, I can't say much, but he seems like a smart man, maybe one of those people who are nice to others but believe that they're smarter than them. Because of the third to last paragraph, I'm thinking that 256 will look up to him as a sort of role model, like he'll see the older man as what he should be like.

    I'm really sorry, but I forgot to say that in the sixth paragraph up, 805 said that he would kill 256 if he made a mistake, but wouldn't punish him for the slightest mistake. I think that could be re-worded. But I liked how 256 was embarrassed by how an Earth Gift had to carry him, that was a little funny.

    May 25, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Thanks for answering my question :)Here is something I forgot to mention in my last reply: The rebellions the Leader spoke of are not run by Janelle's group. They're uprisings in the Northern villages that were sparked by Janelle's rebellion. In effect Jan's group have started a chain reaction, even though they failed so miserably. Another psychological phenomenon often observed in the real world (Sorry I'm such a nerd xD).

    May 25, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 19 Reply

    Hey, sorry it's taken me so long to get back to this. I had a really strange week... Anyway, another good chapter. I must say that this chapter is making me suspicious of everyone XD! Samantha; who I'm starting to truly believe wasn't lying with her story before. Reagan; who seems oddly... I don't know. Something's off about him. I think I would have felt that way even if Janelle hadn't been suspicious of him. And, of course, there's Thomas. He seems like he'll be an interesting character. His introduction added a bit more mystery to the story, which to me one can never have enough of :D

    I've got to say, I really liked Janelle in this chapter. She seems to be trying to become a real leader now, so that's good. Telling Carey that her village is likely being watched showed that she's thinking logically. That's exactly the sort of thinking she'll need to lead the rebellion.

    Carey's interrogation was also quite well done. I'm interested to see if Carey will join the rebels (assuming she can convince them she's not an evil Gifted spy) or if she'll ignore Janelle's warning and try to return home regardless.

    May 25, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Haha no problem. I’ll probably be pretty slow on my comments for the next few weeks, I’ve got exams very soon O.o

    Oh, how I love mystery ;) I tend to make most of my characters have a mysterious secret or two or a million :P The foreshadowing, the hints, the payoff when their secrets are revealed… I love picking up little details when I read stuff (or adding them in, if I'm writing) and then forming crazy theories. I love to read/write stuff like that :P

    May 26, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 22 Reply

    Oh, yeah. My opinion of 805 did change in this chapter. He's not very nice to people...when he killed that woman I thought she was Janelle disguised as a normal villager, and I was like, "Noooo! Janelle!!!" Anyway, I guess I was right about him thinking he's superior. Well, I still think he does, anyway, because he thinks he can rule the Gifted better than the council already does. I think I believed that he was nice to others because he's like 256 from the future and the older man sees himself in 256, so of course he's nice-ish to him. I knew it! I knew that someone is 256 from the future! #256fromthefuture! ;) Just kidding. He seemed pretty powerful though, for an earth Gifted, the way he created that little earthquake. I guess his perceived weakness is in comparison to the other Gifted, or maybe the other earth Gifted are just weaker than that. Does he really read 256's mind or is it because he was in a similar position at his age, and can relate?

    I personally thought that the first paragraph was a little fast-paced and confusing, though I suppose that's how 256 felt, if that's what you were going for.

    Also, the repetition isn't too common and it doesn't bother me, but to point out another example, 256 has been holding his hand in his heads I mean his head in his hands, several times now. Oh, and it was awkward when Janelle asked them if they'd found somewhere, instead of whether they'd found a place to use as a sanctuary. Is that another weird Australian thing?

    About what you said in your last reply, it's interesting how the Gifted don't learn history, and how they retreat into their own shells, and even if attachments were legal they still wouldn't even think about it. It's going to be a huge mess if 805 starts seeing 256 as a son, like that one trainer lady...maybe that's why he wouldn't kill 256 for making a mistake.

    Samantha and Carey interest me too. And Reagan. They were all disturbed, and Janelle couldn't figure out why. When Carey grabbed her sleeve, and wanted to ask the older woman something, that was strange...

    Ha, I like your word choice in general. I've learned several words by reading your story, like niggle in this chapter.

    I thought it was smart how they sorted out the groups that would move to the new sanctuary. I can see why Janelle would want to be last, grouping people the way she did, and why Samantha and Marvin would make corrections. It's a good thing Marvin is with them. It seems like he is gaining more of Janelle's trust now, because they're all friendly and stuff.

    Another thing to like here is details like Reagan's smiles seeming forced, and Janelle thinking that the Gifteds' lives would be more extravagant. Even more stuff to make the story really engaging.

    I might get in to comments tomorrow, if I have the time. Good luck on your exams, and stay beautiful.

    May 25, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    805 is very strong for an Earth Gifted, but most of them would be able to cause a small earthquake like that. Earth Gifts are seen as weak because they’re not very practical in battle, but it still depends on the person and how they use the powers available to them. And he can’t really read his mind, don't worry :P He doesn’t have “The Gift of Thoughts” or something :P

    And yes, that is something we say here. It isn’t that weird, is it? xD Niggle is an awesome word! Its one of my favourites (blasphemy is number one, although I don't really use it in my writing). Anyway, thanks for the luck. I need it xD

    May 26, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 23 Reply

    Oh, I thought 805 and 256 were going to Rosa's inn. They were almost there, 256 wondered where they were going and then it switched to Carey's perspective. So where are they going? 805 is a really weird person, maybe he's taking 256 somewhere he wants to take him. Like maybe it's not a council-given mission but a private one. 805 seems like a loner, which is perfectly understandable since he has the Gift of earth. I get what he meant by being a hypocrite. He sort of wants to do the right thing, but...I don't know, it's like he thinks that it's impossible to be a good person in their world, especially in the position he's in as a Gifted, and doesn't want to push it. But I think he's a good person underneath, because not only did he hesitate before killing the villager lady and do it quickly but it looked like the Leader punished him a lot for doing good things, judging from that one paragraph near the end of 256's half of the chapter. Maybe it will be the other way around, where 805 won't "help" 256 with being more loyal, but 256 could get the two of them to join the rebels like Carey did.

    I'm going to be a picky Tiburon here, there are a couple kind-of inconsistencies. It's just that 256 forgot to put his gray uniform jacket back on and 805 left their bags behind. At least you didn't mention it.

    I wonder how many times Carey is going to think I am the sky, the ground, the air...I am nothing. If she thinks that every time she uses her power, that phrase is going to get stuck in my head. It does make me a little curious though. If she's all those things, does she have the Gifts of air, earth, and air too? Maybe fire?

    Another repetitive statement is making tears fall on people. Carey must have the Gift of water, because she was making it rain on Rosa. Is that an anime thing? Also in that one chapter when someone's tears were forming small puddles. Ha ha, hilarious.

    A couple times I feel like you put commas where there could be periods, such as this part near the end:

    “Thomas!” Samantha yelled, apparently she’d heard the commotion.

    I know you non-Americans hate short sentences, but if you would like my humble opinion, I would make that a period. At least put "...apparently having heard".

    On the bright side, I really like your emotions in this chapter. They were fascinating but realistic - I like how Carey still felt bad for 440 when his arm got cut off.

    Oh yeah, speaking of that, there were a lot of surprised in this chapter, too. Even the ones that I expected were pulled off well. 440's arm getting cut off is one. Also seeing into 805's mind a little, the Gifted getting raided, Rosa perishing and Carey being able to turn other people invisible. And Thomas having the Gift of fire, that was quite shocking. Carey's and Thomas's powers open up more possibilities for the future, building up their arsenal. It's too bad they lost a lot of people though...

    I wonder if the Gifted have other people, like 256 and 805, who are defiant of the Council and the way things work. That could be another hidden weakness. Sorry if I've already said that before.

    It looks like I'll get in another comment later today, I have to know what happens next.

    May 26, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comments! I have a Night Of Freedom tonight, so hopefully I’ll get the time to comment on at least two chapters :) Sorry for being so slow!

    Anyway, thank you for pointing out my inconsistences. Carey does say that statement quite a lot (but she does vary it up a bit!). Haha, when I was writing this I didn’t plan on  cutting off his arm and killing (I can say that now, because you’ve read the next chapter) 440, but then I realised that I didn’t really have any plans for him and I was going to kill him later anyway (but at a much later point). And then I came up with this death scene for him… hehe.

    As for the Gifted, well, it’s highly unlikely that 256 and 805 are the only ones who are defiant :P

    May 26, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 24 Reply

    Wow, I'm only about halfway and so much has happened. There was just that one repetitive chapter, besides that you haven't really put in any fluff, if you get what I mean. Every chapter has its purpose. 805 keeps demonstrating his contradiction but in different, curious ways. In this chapter I learned that they were going to/went to a farming village, to invest a murder or something. Was there a rebellion there and a Gifted got killed? Well, I also learned that Janelle got to the new sanctuary safely, and that Reagan has a past with his mom and the new sanctuary owner. 440 was sorry for his actions, and Carey made her first kill.

    My favorite part though was probably the part with the girl, near the end. Ha ha, “It’s – it’s okay Mister Gifted. I can carry it myself, I’m strong.” I think you do a really good job at making people talk realistically based on the age, gender, position, etc. Something I really need to work on, as you'll find out.

    All the things I'm going to nag about for this chapter are about being consistent and stuff. The first one is how Carey told Thomas that she'd seen his hands before. That Carey would say that out loud seemed a little awkward to me, or maybe random, I don't know why.

    The second one is how Carey looked away from 440, but their eyes met. Also, how did their eyes meet twice without someone looking away after the first time? Also, I'm not sure, but I think you're describing people looking at each other the same way every time: His/her (color/dark/light) eyes met his/hers.

    Speaking of 440's eyes, did Samantha close them? It said Carey was "watching her close his glassy eyes."

    In Janelle's perspective, correct me if I'm wrong, but it seemed as though you were showing Theresa's thoughts. Up until then you were consistent with only showing the thoughts of the main character that was being focused on, which was at that time Janelle. Also, it seemed strange when Janelle stuttered in her mind, at the end of her part.

    Okay, two more negative things, then I'll stop niggling* and continue with the comment. The part when 805 was careless enough to lose the map was surprising and slightly amusing, though one little thing is that he could show his not being bothered by in in ways other than having him shrug.

    The last one is parenthesis (do Ctrl+F). Somebody once told me that writing them is a story is informal, and that in a more serious story writing it as a separate sentence is preferred.

    Carey killing 440 was a nice element to the story. I wonder if it will make her hesitant in the future, or maybe broaden her beliefs of Gifted humanity. Maybe she'll "accidentally" loose her sword, kind of how 805 lost his map, so that she won't be able to kill others.

    This might sound stupid, but can Carey attack while she's visible, or can she not concentrate on both at the same time? It's hard to tell whether she's getting stronger, but if she is, being able to fight while invisible will make her a powerful opponent.

    I like your transitions. The down inn to Janelle wondering about the others is a great way of pulling off dramatic irony. We know what happens, but see the characters who don't.

    The characters and their personalities are undeviating (looking for a synonym of consistent), their actions seem natural and they stick with their given personalities. For example, Carey might want to appear tough, but is caring on the inside, and wants people to like her. This was shown in various ways, such as being upset how children don't like her, refusing to see 256 as an enemy, and being upset when non-Gifted are untrusting near her.

    I suppose 805 is in some ways similar, that ole gentle demon, because he wants to follow the Gifted but will do nice things as long as he can, until others stop him. His character must have been hard for you to characterize, because his thoughts are very complex. He's pretty original; not really a bad guy, not quite a good guy.

    And you don't forget what they look like, shown when that Gifted lady thought 256 was 15 years old.

    I found it funny when Carey thought that Samantha and Thomas were in love. Another bit of dramatic irony, as well as 256 thinking that 805 was never punished before though he clearly was. Right? He said in chapter one that the only person who could hurt him had done so a million times.

    Was 805 drinking? Is that why he's so weird? I didn't get that part when 256 smelled his flask.

    Lastly, I wonder what Carey's sleeves would look like if the Gift of stealth had a pattern, and what the other Gifts are. Will it be mentioned later on?

    May 26, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Haha, this story really doesn’t have much filler in it at all :P I try and make each chapter have  purpose, because I feel in a story like this filler is distracting. There’s one other chapter which is very repetitive, I’ll warn you now. It’s chapter 25.

    I didn’t mean to show Theresa’s thoughts, but I might have accidently haha. I’ll check it out. As for Carey, at the moment she can only attack while visible. Her weapons turn invisible with her, but she’s not coordinated enough at the moment to attack when she can’t see herself. But as she trains, she’ll get better… There’s actually a little bit of info about the Gifts and the island in the chapter after the next. But overall, there isn’t much info about the history of the island and the other Gifts (in this book, anyway).

    Oh, and 805’s never been punished (at least, not by the Leader). When he said that one person had hurt him a thousand times, he was referring to himself. The Council would never trust him if he had been punished. And yes, he was drinking. It’s his way of coping with the pressure he’s under. But, he’s not drunk or anything. He’d be a lot more out of it if he was :P It’s funny, you’re the second person to say that it must be hard to characterise 805. I actually find him really easy to characterise :P

    May 26, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 25 Reply

    It was nice to hear Samantha's and Thomas's story. Not a lot happened in this chapter, but I learned some very tasty information. I like how the characters are so similar but so different. It was an interesting when you compared 440 and Thomas to Wesley. The similarities between Thomas and Carey interested me too. I wonder when I'll find out how Carey got away from the assessors for eighteen years, and how Samantha's dagger looks weird. That was never explained.

    I think the strongest part of your story is the thoughts and emotions of your characters. They are complex but easy to understand, and quite original. If anything I get confused at times about why the characters feel the way they do, or maybe they seem to be very temperamental and their emotions change quickly. It might just be me, but it happens, especially with Carey. The way she suddenly thought that the Gifted were on the good side, and that they (the rebels) were doing the wrong thing, was surprising. She then dismissed the notion just as quickly. Like I said, it might just be stupid ole me, but it's as though some of her emotions are hidden from the reader as we don't always understand why she thinks the say she does. This makes it harder to empathize with her. I'm not saying that whatever goes on in her mind is unrealistic, I'm sure you put a lot of thought and reason into it, but I feel that there could be smoother transitions in between her different thoughts to make them more understandable. For the most part though, their feelings were well conveyed, such as the way Samantha and Thomas acted to each other, and how Caret felt awkward about invading their privacy.

    There are two little things I would like to point out. One is how Thomas didn't put on his gloves right away, but left them off for a while when he talked to Carey. And I thought he burned them when he summoned fire at the inn, when facing 440.

    The second thing is that cliched expression of people shivering even though they aren't cold. You've used that a few times now, like at the end of this chapter. It doesn't make me cringe or anything, but it's something to look out for.

    I know I say this all the time, but your story is so well thought-out and unique. I liked Thomas's story, and everything is similar but different to everything else, if that makes sense. I think it's good that you don't have a pattern for the chapters, like the first half is always about the rebels and the other half is about the Gifted. It makes the chapter more fluent, I suppose, and you don't know what/who it will be about until you get to the end. My favorite part in this chapter, or what I think is the best, was when Sam consoled Carey near the beginning and a little bit at the end. That was some nice words of encouragement.

     

    May 27, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Thanks for commenting! I’m sorry if Carey’s thoughts in this chapter were confusing. It was supposed to be about her realising that the world isn’t as black and white as she’d thought, not that she’d suddenly switched to thinking the Gifted were right :P It’s just something I find interesting. In wars or whatever, each side is doing what they think is right, and the other side is wrong… But, how do we know who’s really good, if both sides are convinced they’re doing what’s right? After all, evil is a concept, not a reality! Sorry for sounding like a nerd… Hehe. Anyway, I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear enough.

    As for the stuff about the Carey and Samantha’s knife… Well, those plot threads will be left hanging for quite a while ;) They may not even be in this book, hehe. Or maybe they are? xD Anyway, I hope you’ll enjoy the next chapter, which has the first real sprinkle of information about the history of the island and the Gifted.

    May 28, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 20 Reply

    And so Carey officially joins the rebels! Yay! I'm far more excited about that than I probably should be but that's okay. Now, if only they could plot some sort of daring rescue mission to spring 256 from what I can't help but imagine is the Gifted version of Azkaban from Harry Potter, I'd be immensely happy XD.

    Joking aside, I greatly enjoyed this chapter. I was glad to see Carey finally realize that getting back home won't be as easy as she's been thinking. I was worried that she would try to get to her village regardless of what Janelle said (Carey hasn't always made the wisest of choices, after all). It was good to see that she made really the only choice she could have made and joined the rebellion. Well, I suppose she could have chosen to live alone like a hermit in a cave up in the mountains, but what would that accomplish?

    I'm still suspicious of Reagan. He's too excited to be there and too happy to meet random people. That, and I'm automatically wary of overzealous huggers XD. If he's some sort of Gifted spy, then he's the worst (or maybe the best O.o) spy ever. I don't know, but I think he's up to something.

    And Samantha! Okay, so I didn't buy that her story was mostly lies like she claimed, but I didn't expect her to confront Carey like that! I fully believe she's Gifted now... or maybe Thomas is and the story was about him? Sam's protecting him? Maybe they're both Gifted! Okay, I've got to lay off the conspiracy theories... but hey, you're definitely making me think!

    May 31, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Thanks for commenting! Hehe, Samantha’s secrets will be revealed in time. I will say that she definitely made a major blunder in telling Carey that story :3 Silly, silly Samantha. And hey, there’s nothing wrong with being excited. It’s pretty exciting, I suppose ;)

    June 1, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 26 Reply

    Yay, information! It's hard to believe they don't know about bows and arrows. I guess it does make sense though because they're just a tiny island isolated from the rest of the world. Hmm...I wonder what the rest of the weapons are. Maybe Sam's dagger is one, because of Carey's reaction to it. You only mentioned her regarding the dagger, so that must be the only outside weapon the rebels have. Though there must be more to those of the Other Worlds than their weapons. Are they even human? It looked like one of the otherworldly rebels ripped that woman's leg off. Does everything take place in the Middle Ages?

    This was a long chapter, and I read over everything twice so I have plenty of things that I'm going to niggle about. Oh, it looks like niggle isn't an American word because my spell check says it doesn't exist. But I digress. Sorry if I say something stupid, but this is what I found:

    In the paragraph starting with "805 paused, biting..." you accidentally got in two people's dialog.

    I couldn't tell if, later on, 3349 was surprised or suspicious, or maybe she transitioned from being surprised to then being suspicious.

    I don't know if this is particularly a bad thing, but sometimes you don't really mention things that happen, such as change in where the characters are. In the paragraph that started with "256 nodded" it looked like the stairs were connected to the room with the bodies (I don't know if that's true or not) and also like the beds were right at the top of the stairs.

    Some things you do mention but they don't need to be said, like "805 ignored her complaints" and "he seemed rather energetic."

    I'm not seeing "you know" anymore, but it looks like you say the word "seem" a lot, but I can't complain because I think I say that a lot too. Another thing we both say a lot is "a little" and "just" though I didn't notice that until I did the Ctrl+F thing and saw the number of matches, so while some might be annoyed I personally don't see it as a bad thing because it isn't that noticeable. Another thing I saw was "it's fine" or "I'm fine."

    In one of the paragraphs beginning with "It's fine," when 805 read the letter, I didn't get what happened when 256 looked at 3349 and she shrugged. Was he wondering if she could read?

    A couple things about what the characters know. How did 256 know about the Other Worlds if the Gifted aren't taught about history? Or is it common knowledge? And what was the significance in 805 knowing about the Gift of Stealth? Why did it make 256 a little nervous?

    When Janelle finished training the recruits, she thought about how Reagan having more strength and stamina but less agility and accuracy. Then you said that he was as agile as Janelle. Did he get better, or was that a typo or something?

    Is there a specific term for someone who has a Gift? I find it pretty weird how they say "I am a Gift of Water" as if they're the Gifts themselves, which to me sounds a little conceited. Though I'm probably just being picky. I saw it in the beginning part, by the way.

    However, I find everything to be not only intriguing but realistic. Your characters aren't perfect, even Samantha has her flaws now. (I realize that being perfect is in itself a flaw, partly because it makes everybody hate you.) 805 can read, but not very well, and it looks like he feels the same emotions as 256. It raises the question of whether all Gifted have nightmares. Do they react to them like 805 and 256 did, or do they shrug them off? Also, the characters show their imperfection and emotion by crying and wanting privacy, like with 805, Marvin and Janelle. And not only is the way they react to things nicely written, but they all react in different ways because they have different personalities.

    I'm a boy, so I'm not going to say, "Awwww, Reagan is so sweet! He's make an excellent boyfriend for Janelle!" Though his actions were a nice element to the story. I think he just wanted to do the nice thing, and is awkward near other people, not quite knowing what to do. He obviously isn't all smiley and carefree on the inside, and it was nice to see him do something that showed how much he cared about others, and how he can be serious.

    Another thing I like is the details, like how it was hot, and how those details effect the characters, such Janelle wanting to train them anyway because she didn't want to waste time. I also like the way 805 described what a bow and arrow are. It was accurate but understandable considering they had never seen one.

    This is more of a funny thing than an annoying one, but it's as if everybody but Reagan doesn't know to knock on doors before entering someone else's room. Or maybe it's a Gifted thing, I'm not sure, but it makes me laugh whenever that happens.

    It's peculiar how they think of the other islands as other worlds. They must be very different. The outsiders feared the Gifted, but it must be the other way around as well if they don't make contact. It's interesting that the Gifted used to be more powerful. What made them weaker? If they got weaker, maybe the outsiders did too. It's just that they have different weapons. Maybe it's a perspective thing...I'm thinking that the outsiders are stronger physically, but the Gifted are stronger "magically." But they (and me) refer to the outsider as one group. Are the other worlds all similar, or do they have differences among themselves? I guess they could all be similar, if the Gifted Island is "isolated from the rest of the world" as stated in your description. Saying "the rest" makes it seem like Gifted is odd and different from everybody else.

    I wonder if Reagan is 256 from the future, because he has emotions but hides them. Or maybe that little girl from that other chapter is 256 from the past, because 805 was nice to her.

    Wow...more than a thousand words. Sorry for rambling. I don't want to waste your time or pressure you by making you have to edit so much at once. If you want I could write up the comments and gradually give you them later, once you've finished editing. Either way is fine with me. When will you be done with your exams?

    May 31, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    This story doesn’t really take place in any specific era. I suppose it’s probably closest to the middle ages, but then they also have later inventions (like trains) in some areas. It’s fantasy, so I can do what I want! ;) Within reason, anyway. It’s kind of supposed to be like Russia in the 1800s/early 1900s (I’m trying to remember high school history dates and failing…), where certain areas of the country were really poor and backwards in terms of technology while the larger towns were more advanced.

     The Other Worlds are common knowledge (to the Gifted, at least). Pretty much what 256 is what an average Gifted person knows: that they exist, and they apparently fear the Gifted. And there isn’t a word for individual Gifted. Calling themselves a “Gift of Something” may be conceited, but they aren’t the most humble of folk, are they? :3

    I have over two weeks left of exams, but all my hard ones are over in a little over a week. So by then, I probably still won’t be doing much editing but I will have time to comment more. Don’t worry, you’re never wasting my time :) I really don’t mind if you comment now or save them for later. It doesn’t make much of a difference to me, and I’m not feeling pressured or anything. And niggle isn’t a word in America? Blasphemy! xD Woohoo, two of my favourite words so close together…

    June 1, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 27 Reply

    I think the conversations in this chapter were the best part. Seriously, they could have given me some better looking companions." Also when she accused him of cheating when he evaporated her water. Perfect. Yeah, also when Janelle and Reagan were accidentally making out. The story is a nice read, even though there's serious things going on.

    There won't be a long list of complaints for this comment. The first thing is how you break up your sentences, like in "805 laughed when he saw 256 looking at it suspiciously, the light-hearted sound didn’t suit him." I don't know if that's another cultural, but I thought it would sound more fluent with an "and" or splitting it up into two different sentences. Also, there were a few typos, like "accidently" (is that wrong?) and "reallised" (with two ls).

    Also, how long had it been since Marvin found out about Rosa? Wasn't it earlier that day? How did he get stubble and baggy eyes? I think I'm missing something there.

    Are words like servant supposed to be capitalized? It's not like it's a title, like Servant Carey. Like prime minister or president, it's otherwise lowercase. Unlike that's another style thing.

    I was a little surprised when I found out that 3349 (I'm going to call her Bob because I know you hate that name and she's a witch) well she dyed her eyes blue. In the previous chapter Bob had green eyes. I understand that her eyes glow blue when she uses her Gift (or, is she is a Gift of Water, when she uses herself). But you might want to say "her green eyes glowed blue" or something.

    The way Marvin and and 805 were so direct to Janelle and 256, I thought that was a little unrealistic, because up until then they were more mature, though I suppose my word isn't completely reliable seeing as I'm not an "older man" and I can't relate to them, maybe older men are like that. Also, it was nice seeing into their minds and knowing what they're thinking about, and their dialogs are important parts to the chapter. Maybe if there's a way to make their transition between mature and depressed more gradual, like perhaps they hesitate, or try to hold their tears in. Of course, this is just my opinion, maybe I feel this way because, like I said, I'm a boy and I'm not so familiar with how all this emotional stuff works.

    I like your idea of basing the Gifted island off of Russia. Seems pretty original to me. Though Russia isn't a small island isolated from the rest of the world. It's a pretty big land-locked country, and borders many other nations :V

    I also liked how 256 voiced his thoughts without knowing when he said/thought, "Why can't I forget?" They must be really tired from all their nightmares. Again, more nicely paying attention to details and realism.

    Another example was when 805 pointed out that 256 wouldn't be able to block arrows with fire, though he and Bob would be able to block them with ice and earth. And then when 256 thought that using earth would be slower than using ice, but wouldn't care because he likely isn't afraid of dying. Those are some good details.

    It's obvious that 805, very much unlike 3349, really cares about 256. I hope 3349 doesn't tell the council or anything. Where were the other two Gifted? Were they the servants? Hopefully they don't tell the council either.

    I think they're going to tell the Council, right before they find the otherworldly rebels, and 805 will get caught but 256 runs away and find the rebels (Janelle's rebels) and things get really, really complicated. Then they will try going to the other worlds for help, knowing there's nothing they can do on the Gifted island. I'm going to call it New Russia from now on, because "the Gifted island" seems weird for some reason, unless you have a preferred name.

    June 1, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    “Servants” refers to the servants the Gifted have. It’s capitalised because Servants don’t have names or numbers, so it’s essentially their title. Haha, I wouldn’t say the island is “based” of Russia, more like very very loosely inspired by it. When I was writing it was more of a “hey, this sort of reminds me of Russia” thing, instead of deliberate xD Because in some ways, like the ones you mentioned, it isn’t like Russia at all ;)

    Oh, and Janelle and Reagan weren’t making out lol. Doesn’t making out mean kissing (which they didn’t do, they were just in an awkward position)? Or does it mean something different in the US? xD As for Marvin finding out about Rosa, that was the previous day. It happened in the afternoon, Janelle went back to her room, the thing with Reagan in the last chapter happened, and then she slept until morning. She went to see him the next evening.

    Oh, and I have a question for you: is 3349’s number really hard to remember? Because some of my previous commenters have complained that it’s really hard to remember, being four numbers. I’m not sure if I should change it, because realistically most of them would have four or five numbers, and I didn’t want all of the Gifted characters to have three numbers… Do you think I should change it to a three digit number?

    June 2, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Reply

    No, making out doesn't mean something different in the US. I was just exaggerating. As for 3349, I wrote her name down, so it's hard to tell whether her name is hard to remember. I don't think it would be but if she's a main character from now on then making her name just three letters might be a good idea. 

    June 2, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Chapter: 28 Reply

    Yes, action! I can't wait for some more action scenes in the future, because you do a really good job at those. So it looks like the otherworldlies are human, or at least they look like it. I thought they would be some crazy creature, if they tore off that one Gift's leg off. (They call themselves gifts.) Where will 805, 256, and 3349 end up? What will they do? What a riveting tale!

    A lot of my nigglings (oh, niggle isn't a word but niggling is) sorry a lot them are previously covered, like present tense words (this, now) and people changing their emotions, beliefs and opinions too quickly. Samantha, I'm talking about you! *cough cough* Besides that, I have a few things to point out:

    I was a little confused when Thomas said, "No, they'll just kill me like everyone else." How did that comfort Sam? Did he mean that the Gifted wouldn't torture him?

    Another thing he said, it wasn't confusing but he said the word "decisions" two times in a row. I would take out the second one.

    When Samantha said that she was a hypocrite, it made me question everything. Maybe she's somehow related to 805. They're both hypocrites. But then Carey's apparently one too, so maybe they're all related. 805 could be a combination of Samantha and Carey from the future. Maybe that's what all Gifted are, just two people in one, from the future. That's why they don't have names, because 805's name would be Samanthrey or Carantha, or Sacarmeyantha or something weird like that, and they want to spare themselves the embarrassment by using nicknames that are numbers. That was sarcasm, by the way. I'm not that stupid...

    At the end of the chapter, 3349 in addition to 805 smiled at 256, and I found it weird that 3349 - sorry, Bob - would smile. At all. She just doesn't seem like that kind of person. I thought she would maybe complain that the fire would use up their air supply, shortening the amount of time that they could stay in the underground air bubble (which was a cool idea) and that she would suggest they run blindly without the fire.

    It seems that people cry a lot in your book. I'm not going to say that it's because almost all of them are girls, some guys have been crying too. Anyway, it's not that bad. The characters have their different ways of dealing with sadness other than crying, like how Marvin retreated into his room, Janelle/256 trying to sleep, and 805 drinking and doing chores.

    While the characters' thoughts may seem realistic at times, like I said, I think it's just the way you convey them. They're natural, and interesting. The dialog is really good too, especially Samantha's.

    Their ideas are good too. I liked how you ended Janelle's part. Their thought processes were kind of like a cliff hanger but not a disappointing one, if you know what I mean.

    The way Bob blocked the air was suspenseful, and 805 standing in the way of the arrow was surprising, and very attention-getting. Was that because he isn't afraid of death, or was he protecting the others?

    Oh, and I wonder how everyone else is reacting or will react to the foreign rebels. It's going to be interesting if the New Russian rebels meet the foreign ones. I guess it depends on what the foreign rebels are doing near the Gifted. Why would they attack the Gifted? What is their motive? All is very mysterious.

    June 2, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Haha, have you seen Game of Thrones? And I do mean the show specifically, because I can’t remember if this happened in the book or not, but there was this scene where this person got their limbs ripped off by a mob (I won’t say who in case you haven’t seen it and were going to). That’s where I got the idea of ripping the woman’s leg off. When humans are angry they will do scary things… xD Sorry for rambling, btw.

    Anyway, what Thomas said wasn’t supposed to comfort her, he was just pointing out that there’s no point her forcing him to stay hidden from everyone anymore. The reason he stayed hidden was so the Gifted didn’t find him and kill him/take him away, but now that they’re rebels that will happen regardless of his powers. And you’re right, I do make my characters cry too much. I never realised before lol. I’ll have to go and fix that, because it is odd… And to me your theory sounds pretty convincing ;)

    3349 may not be very nice, but she’s not a complete robot :P It’s funny that you mentioned the thing with the fire. I guess it’s a bit of irony, because they’re all happy and think 256 is helping them, when really he’s just making things worse because they’ll run out of air quicker… But, they don’t know anything about science and stuff, so… xD

    June 3, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 21 Reply

    Great chapter! I'm glad to see 256 again. While I enjoyed following Carey/Janelle's story without any breaks for a while there, I've missed the guy. The flashback at the beginning was excellent. It was good to learn more about 256's past and it helped me understand him better. It's terrible what happened to him and it makes me hate the Gifted regime even more.

    805 seems very interesting. From what little I've seen of him I kind of like him. (Which is probably a terrible mistake because that likely means he'll turn out to be an evil, ruthless toolbag XD) Perhaps if he earns a seat on the Council he'll become the source of an internal uprising within the Gifted what with the way those with the Gift of Earth are treated. I'm reaching again... I've got to stop that.

    Anyway, overall a very good chapter. I'm looking forward to finding out what mission 805 and 256 are going on. I'm pretty sure its not going to be to do anything good...

    June 5, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Thanks for commenting! Let’s just say your opinion of 805 will probably change rather soon… xD But hey, that could be in a good way. Or a bad way. Muhahahahaha.

    June 6, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 29 Reply

    If 805 has to kill 256 next time he hesitates to kill, maybe he's more attached to the boy. The only thing I don't understand is why anyone should kill him. I mean, wasn't it liking people that got him in trouble before, not having mercy on them? Sorry if that's not the case. But I wonder what will happen if 256 has to kill 850, if he finds out that the older man is attached to a michelle (I like how 256 didn't know that's a name).

    I couldn't find a lot of things to complain about. One is about how "256 gasped when he saw the state of him." Closed eyes and a pale face isn't very surprising. I did get the idea that 256 was overreacting, especially when 3349 (her name's not hard to remember) rolled her eyes at him, but that part was a little confusing in my humble opinion.

    What was the setting like? I know there were trees, but surely not a lot because they were out in the open and had a fire going. Was the ground dirt, grass, both? Was the terrain flat or hilly? This might not matter, but it has to do with the way characters are affected by their environment.

    The last thing is when 256 imagined that the rebel he was about to kill was Carey. That was a good idea, but I think you could have described it less directly, in more than a single sentence, like maybe he thought that he was suddenly looking at Carey, something like that.

    I liked how you made the bow people bad at hand-to-hand combat. It's reasonable, because they seem used to being more sniper-like. Of course, that lady wasn't stupid, and did fight back, eventually gaining the upper hand in her brawl with 256.

    It was funny how 256 reacted to the thought of washing off in the stream with 3349, and it was nice that you didn't directly say what face he made. I think he was thinking about being in water, though, rather than washing with her. It was also nice to know that little detail about him, how he was nervous in water since his Gift appeared, and struggled at first. I wonder if it's actually a weakness of his, like maybe being wet weakens him. If so, then maybe all the Gifts have a weakness like that.

    I wasn't disappointed with your action scene. It was very tense and well-written, like your other ones. I was surprised when 3349 and the rebel almost killed 256. The action in this chapter wasn't that long, so I'm thinking that it's going to help build up tension to a bigger one.

    3349's eyes were green in her chapter, so I'm assuming the blue dye washed off.

    If the rebels knew that an earth Gifted tunneled underground, then they obviously have knowledge of the Gifted. I guess they already know about how the Gifted are weaker now then they were before. It's pretty bad, because the Gifted don't seem to know much about the otherworld people. 

    Can 3349 dry things? It doesn't look like it. She didn't dry their supplies, or herself when she finished washing in the stream. Maybe she just likes the feel of water on her skin, like the exact opposite of 256. Also, how can Gifts of water make ice from water in the air? Are Gifts in general capable of changing the temperature of their chosen element, to change states of matter?

    That just made me have a thought...What would it be like if two people of the same Gift and the same skill level fought each other? Would they just keep moving the fire/water/air/earth around until they got bored...?

    When that one rebel in the previous chapter was mad at 805 for killing his comrades, I thought that maybe they're more human than the Gifted. But then again, they mutilated those two Gifted, and that lady rebel was going to kill 256 even though she thought he was a kid. But then again, she was only going to kill him because he was a Gifted. They must have a grudge on the Gifted. It makes me wonder what they think/will think of the non-Gifted in New Russia, like the villagers and the native rebels. This is just a guess, but to me they seem like the type of people who either love or abhor you.

    I just had another thought. I think Sam's dagger was a diamond one, like the kind earth Gifts make.

    Sorry about the delay in comments. I was pretty busy, but I'm done with what I was doing so I plan to be commenting daily from now on. 

    June 5, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    256’s punishments were for liking people, but showing mercy is something else he’s not meant to do (at least, not to rebels killing the Gifted. If he was hesitant about killing a villager, or something, it wouldn’t be so bad). It doesn’t matter what he does, if he breaks the rules he’s supposed to be killed. And he wouldn’t technically be obligated to kill 805 if he found out, because he’s never been punished before so instead he’d be obligated to dob on him and get him in big trouble :P Although, the Council would have to believe him...

    About the pale face thing, if the guy’s fainted he’s going to be very, very pale and probably rather sweaty as well. Perhaps I should describe him more… Plus, 805’s a very tall, strong man so seeing someone like that collapse from exhaustion is rather unusual. Anyway, 256 was overreacting, but it wasn’t completely out of the blue.

    Hmm, now I think of it she should have been able to dry things. Oops. I’ll fix that :P Although, she probably does like being wet, so she won’t dry herself after that.

    June 6, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 9 Reply

    I was really impressed with Janelle's character in the beginning. We already know she is a determined character, that you have shown already, but the fact she was not deterred by the lack of attention given to her or the comments thrown her way helped show her dedication to her goal. This is an excellent thing, as it gives the reader a closer attachment to Janelle's journey and her quest against the Gifted, and I'm finding myself growing steadily more absorbed into her story than earlier.

    There was some good character development in this chapter. Although Janelle may be a strong girl, she seems to lose her confidence when placed on the spot, and we watched her change this a little in this chapter. It's always nice to watch characters develop like that. I think she'll make a fine leader, although she may require some work.

    Her dedication to the cause, and Samantha, is respectable. I'm enjoying the many different POVs now- I know I had a problem with them initially, but I'm starting to see how what seemed like numerous different stories will likely intertwine, and I think it's a good storytelling device.

    June 6, 2014 | A . Nonymous


  • Chapter: 10 Reply

    "Carey smirked and turned herself invisible. 256 was taken aback, and his split second of confusion was all that Carey needed. She struck him hard in the belly, knocking the wind out of him and pushing him over.

    “There. You’re dead,” Carey said triumphantly, smirking as she reappeared."

    So far, probably my favorite little bit from the book. It was a creative way to throw some humor and Carey's gift together. She's a smart character, and I like her for it. Chapters with her are never dull.

    Hmmm... Lake Village is the place Janelle's resistance is located, correct? If so, things are about to get interesting.

    Poor Janelle. She reminds me of some people I know in my life, with her very "all work, no play" attitude, as well as a few fictional characters as well with her type of leadership. I wasn't taking sides on the argument, and I'm not sure if I should have, but the ending certainly helped give some vulnerability to a character who could use some.  

     

     

    June 6, 2014 | A . Nonymous


  • Chapter: 11 Reply

    Carey's certainly a smart character. She likely would have gotten lost or frozen to death in the wilderness, and I'm glad you had her turn around instead of push on, because if she made her own out there I might had had a little trouble believing it.

    I can kind of sense a potential romance between Carey and 256. I'm always good at guessing who gets with who in stories, so that doesn't make it predictable or anything.

    I noticed, when we begin Janelle's POV, you write again how winter is almost halfway over but snow is still thick on the ground. We're aware of it, as we've been told once, so maybe show, not tell, the reader the second time around. The line sounds a little redundant, nonetheless.

    The argument between Samantha and Janelle was a nice touch, as I was expecting something ill to have befallen her in the mountains or a warm, sappy welcome. It creates some inner tension in the resistance, which is a promise for a future potential plot point that could be very interesting if done right. The resistance is filled with characters, and so far you've done a good job fleshing the ones we've met out. We don't know them enough to really get a solid grip on their personalities, but I like how you pay attention even to your secondary characters. It shows you put a lot of thought into your work.

     

     

     

     

    June 6, 2014 | A . Nonymous


  • Chapter: 12 Reply

    Most people probably have a hard time remembering Gifteds and their numbers, but I think I'll be okay with it. I'm better at remembering numbers than names anyways.

    I can definitely sense something brewing between 256 and Carey, even if it is only at the moment a one sided force. His thought process about the dreams felt very natural, and stayed within the realms of his character. I like reading from 256's POV.

    I think Carey's plan will cause tension between them, as he's already noticing a change in her. I feel like he almost picked it up a little too easily, but 256 is a rather attentive character. Hopefully the other Gifteds won't catch on.

    June 6, 2014 | A . Nonymous


  • Reply

    Thanks for all the comments! Haha, I can’t say you’re the first to think that Carey and 256 will end up together… Most people who read this story expect them to :P But I won’t give spoilers. Thanks for the points about the redundancy in the previous chapter. I’m glad the POV changes are better now. And I'm happy you liked the humour, I don't think I'm very good at it so I'm glad that particular moment worked haha.

    June 7, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 30 Reply

    Another amazing chapter. This is probably one of my favorites. There were a lot of thoughts and emotions, and a bit of mystery. It also built upon the main characters' personalities, so I feel more connected to them now. I agree with Samantha; Reagan seems suspicious. He knew that Janelle heard her, maybe he knew it when he was saying those things. It could have all been planned, his talking to Theresa, as a way of his gaining Janelle's sympathy That shouldn't be too hard because Janelle seems like a pretty sympathetic person. She must really care about her friends and recruits, and feel responsible for even their emotional wellbeing, the way he reacted to everybody being weird. Maybe she's easily manipulated. Sam also cares about others, but seems more physically protective because she's really muscular and when she's upset she doesn't get upset but threatens to kill the people that upset her.

     I know I've made some stupid points before, sorry if I keep doing that. Feel free to ignore something or wait to see if others say something similar. Anyway, first of all - I think that, in addition to crying, people seem to sigh a lot, and doing things with others' shoulders (like squeezing them). Though I understand that people do these things a lot, and using a certain word many times can be good if it symbolizes something. Repetition generally isn't a problem in your story, but it does occur at times.

    If you're worried about this, I think the details are good, but sometimes you tell instead of showing, for example "he looked suspicious" or "he looked confused." You could also say "he eyed him from a distance" or "he cocked his head" or something like that.

    Another thing was Samantha's talk with Carey. I like how it was broken up, and even though it had information I've read before it was told in a way that made me really interested, and there was some original info, like how Janelle's and Sam's families met. I thought it was a little strange how Sam was supposed to talk about Janelle, but started on the subject of herself, and how she was so different. But she didn't admit that she was getting off track until a couple paragraphs after, where I didn't feel as though she was getting off track. But besides that, I think the rest was well written, and flowed nicely. It's interesting that Sam thinks Janelle is in love with Reagan, and related it to Janelle's past experience and those with her own mom's two husbands.

    Sorry, one last niggling. When you said, "But now she felt similar to the way she had when she’d first joined the rebels as she watched the three of them walking ahead of her – like an outsider" at the end of the chapter, because of the wording it looked like you were saying that the three rebels were an outsider rather than Carey, because the rebels were the last thing you mentioned. You most likely get it, but I would switch the phrase around, so that it says, "As she watched the three of them walking ahead of her, she then felt similar to the way she had when she'd first joined the rebels - like an outsider."

    The thoughts and emotions were played off really well. It was easy to get immersed in this chapter, and all that went on in the characters' heads was realistic as well as sort of complex but very easy to understand.

    Also, I'm satisfied with the turn of events. They weren't idealistic. Sam is still worried and Carey still feels like an outsider. But I know more about the characters, and Sam is opening herself up more, which is probably what she needs so that people can understand her. It's nice that the characters all care about each other, even though there's still some insecurities. I remember how bitter they were when Carey first met them, in Rosa's inn.

    The last thing that I would like to say before ending this comment is a comparison. Have you watched Avatar: The Last Airbender, maybe when you where younger? I haven't heard of it in a while, but this story sort of reminded me of it. There's a bunch of people who either have control of an element or don't.

     

    June 7, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    No, your points are never stupid! I’m sorry if I ever implied that… I do have a habit of accidently insulting people O.o I didn’t mean to, anyway. All your points are very valuable!

    I’ve seen an episode here and there of Avatar, but I was never a big fan of it or anything :P I did enjoy the few episodes I watched, but for some reason I just didn’t watch it regularly. I think someone else once compared this story to that before, which I suppose makes sense :P A few people have also compared this to Divergent… I read Divergent because of that, and I don’t really see the similarity, aside from dystopian themes and all that. Sorry for rambling, btw.

    June 7, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 31 Reply

    Great! This is another one of my favorite chapters! I haven't really given much thought to stuff like what the rebels are going to do after, and what 256's parents are thinking. The chapter also did a good job at provoking thoughts as to what I would do in such a situation. There were a lot of thought processes going on, and different things that the characters could say/ways that they could say them.

    I only have a few small things to complain about. Nothing big. One thing is that I'm a little confused about Janelle and Carey. Is Janelle in love with Reagan? When I said that I say stupid things, it's not you, I just think that I should get these things, like whether Jan has a soft spot for the guy. Maybe I'm just tired =P Anyway, why was Carey mad at Janelle? Is it because Janelle looked to be in love with Reagan (she hugged him)? Janelle really understands her, and while she didn't exactly say it right she tried to make the younger woman/girl feel better. Carey felt sorry for walking away from the older woman in the previous chapter. I'm sure there's some sort of psychological thing going on there, and I really enjoyed reading the talk between Janelle and Carey. I just don't get it...

    Something else I didn't understand is why Reagan got them berries, and why they all ate them even though they could have been poisonous. Just because nothing happened right away doesn't mean the berries were safe. And they already had food.

    There was at least one typo, in 256's third paragraph: Won’t they be more inclined to come after us when they see what we killed their friends?

    The last thing: How did 805's plant stand out against the dark forest floor? Weren't there already plants?

    I still like the idea that earth Gifts can create plants. It's one of those things that makes me wonder if the other Gifts have powers that I don't know about. Who knows, maybe they can sort of reverse their powers. Maybe 256 can turn down the temperature as well and freeze objects, or Carey will be able to see things/people more easily, like in the dark.

    I like how people aren't perfect. I'm practically screaming at Carey to forgive Janelle, and it would be nice if Jan knew how to talk to Carey. But nothing is perfect, so it adds a bit of realism, I suppose.

    I also like the dialog. The way Marvin said, "It's okay, Janelle" was unexpected, and I felt Janelle's surprise. It was funny when Carey said, "Well, you shouldn't have insulted me in the first place. Then you'd have nothing to apologize for" and when 3349 said, "The old geezer needs his beauty sleep."

    I don't know if I said this, but a few chapters ago during the fight with the foreign rebels I like how you conveyed the difference in killing style between 3349, 805, and 256: 3349 ripped their guts out, 805 was a quick painless kill, and 256 imagined that he was about to kill Carey.

    As for the way Marvin wasn't all sad when he was with Janelle and Carey, I think it's because they make him feel useful, because they need him to defeat the Gifted. He was all depressed before, and Janelle was still worried about him, but he came back to the fire smiling. By the way, why do they have fires if people could see them? If the Gifted were to see Janelle and the others, they could get into trouble. The same if 256, 805, and 3349 are seen by the foreign people (because in that one chapter, I think two chapters ago, they had a fire).

    Huh, the way 256 talked to himself at the end, like two people arguing to each other, he kind of reminded me of Gollum from The Hobbit (is he from The Hobbit?) And they're both short too. I hope 256 doesn't find any rings.

    Oh, and I never thanked you. Well, thanks for getting me back into reading again =) Ever since I started writing, I stopped reading, but since I started reading Gifted I've been motivated to do both.

    June 8, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Well, I wouldn’t say she’s in love with him (I think love is too strong a word) but she’s got a “thing” for him, I suppose you could say. And it’s confusing for her, too, because of what happened before. As for Carey, she’s not really mad at her for anything in particular, it’s because she feels like an outsider and doesn’t like it when Janelle is obviously trying so hard to be “buddies”. She wasn’t like that before at the sanctuary because her friends (Samantha and Thomas) were there, but now she’s in a bad mood. What can I say? She’s such a teenager :P I think I just insulted myself and all teenagers. Sorry :P

    As for the grass thing… You’re right, I should probably make him grow some pretty flowers or something (how manly of him :P). That would be more distinctive. I keep forgetting that this story is supposed to be in a European like setting, because for me a forest floor means sticks, dirt and the occasional grey shrubbery. Or nothing at all. :P

    Hehe, I should be the one thanking you. I’ve been really stressed out this weekends, and your reviews have been something to look forward to :) I’m sorry for being slow again. I know you said it doesn’t matter, but still I hope I’ll be able to review more regularly towards the end of this week.

    June 8, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 32 Reply

    I'm not going to say that this is another one of my favorite chapters, because I'm likely going to be thinking that for the rest of the story. I liked it from the beginning, but for some reason it seems to have gotten even better or something since Carey and Janelle started interacting more. I'm glad you included Carey's perspective in this chapter. It was nice to know what she was thinking, and that she wasn't completely mad at Janelle. I was surprised - in a good way - when I found out that Janelle had been having that same conversation with Carey so many times ("She asks me that every time").

    One oddity I found was how that one Gift at the beginning was so friendly towards 805. He seemed to care about the older man, even though Gifts aren't to do such a thing. I know he's important to the council, but surely they still wouldn't care if he died, right? 3349 didn't care. I mean...That argument was invalid. I just think that Gift could have been more indifferent, at least hiding his relief. And why was he nervous when showing 805 the bodies of the Servants? 

    space indent like with this paragraph, and I wouldn't use a question mark and an exclamation point right next to each other?! in more formal writing, but that might just be me.

    I really like your details. Like I've said, there could at times be more about how the environment affects the characters, but I understand that this chapter is more of a psychological one. I like how Marvin, as a lowly Servant, didn't even have a number as a name when he was with the Gifted. Also when Carey bit her lip and drew blood. That was pretty detailed.

    The emotions are also good in this chapter. They're realistic, entertaining/engaging, and make you think, "Wow! She did not just say that!" Girls can be so complicated and sensitive, if Janelle and Carey were boys they would have just laughed at each other really loudly and went along with everything. But that wouldn't be nearly as interesting.

    805 has been really fond  of 256 lately. He reminds me of Marvin. Maybe 805 is Marvin from an alternate universe. A universe where Marvin stayed with the Gifted, and when his parents died their powers were passed down to him, so he became Gifted (a Gift of earth). And Reagan is so nice to Janelle. Maybe he's her daughter from the future, and it turned out that (s)he wasn't really a daughter.

    Haha, the last thing I have to say is that when you wrote, "He shook his head, cutting her off" I thought you said "...cutting hers off" as in Marvin cut off Carey's head. I gasped out loud, and everybody was staring at me 0_o

    June 9, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comment! Your right, that dude should probably be more indifferent to 805. He is glad he’s alive, though. When 3349 said she didn’t care if he died, that was because at that point it was an “me or him” thing, because if they stayed and waited for him to recover the rebels could find them. With this guy, he would’ve gotten in trouble if the Council found out he’d died (even though they wouldn’t really have anything to do with his “death”, they still would not have been happy). Still, I should definitely make his relief more internal :P As for him being nervous about showing them the Servants, I don’t know. Maybe he’s young and not as accustomed to dealing with dead people :P

    And that certainly would have been a plot twist if Marvin cut off her head :P

    June 9, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 33 Reply

    What a plot twist! Wesley and 256, who would've guessed? I wonder what they're feeling right now. I hope Wesley doesn't die. 256 might have to kill him...How did Wesley join the rebels? I like how you put in the detail of his arm shaking while he held the bow. It showed that the foreign people recruited him, and likely other villagers- maybe that's why the rebels they fought didn't put up as much of a fight as expected. Or maybe the foreign people never came to the Gifted island at all...But then that leaves the question of how the archer rebels got their hands on some bows. I'll have to read on to see what happened.

    Of course, Reagan is also interesting. Is he Alex, but had his name and appearance changed because abandoning Janelle made him unpopular? Maybe he didn't recognize her, but did when he heard about her having a kid. And that could be why he looked guilty near the end of Carey's POV. It's funny that he knows people find him annoying. Maybe he's super-nice because he feels guilty about leaving Janelle all those years ago. That is, if he really is Alex.

    When Carey thought, Maybe he's from a farming village, too... it made me think that this piece of information is significant. He almost reminded me of Wesley with his short hair and tan skin, but of course he has short hair while Wesley's is long, and they have different eyes. And Wesley was at that inn, with Wesley.

    I was a little confused with that part at the end of his conversation with Carey. He wanted to say something to Carey, and changing his mind is understandable, but I thought that was a bit too quickly. I would make him hesitate after Carey said yes.  

    Another repetition thing is people having strained/weak smiles =} I see that a lot now.

    Some thing that I've talked about before; 3349 dyed her eyes blue again. Unless that was her getting ready to use her Gift. Also, 805 changed character rather quickly when that rebel leader mocked him about his michelle. He soon sighed and calmed down after being all deranged and everything.

    But I really like how 256 didn't think, Oh, maybe that's what a michelle is! You didn't have him make the connection but left that to us readers, using dramatic irony. It was realistic because 256 didn't know that Michelle is a name.

    Something else I like is how you had that "Hi!" inserted into the dialog between Janelle and Carey. It was a little silly and conveyed Reagan's character well.

    I'm glad you had some fighting here, as well as some more psychological stuff. You had your characters get a lot done here. Janelle was successful, 256 and the gang found that one place, and Reagan and Wesley are big parts of the story, giving it a nice element of mystery. 

    Was it wise for Janelle to openly give out the location of their sanctuary, as well as say that they were going to attack that industrial town? There could be spies, people who tell the council secrets to earn favor. Maybe Janelle is actually on the Gifted side, and when they're about to win she will expose her true self.

    Michelle intrigues me. Is she Gifted? Was she captured by the rebels somehow, and that's what the message was about? And did she have kids with 805? Then the two of them could be anyone! Maybe Michelle is 256 from the future. Or maybe they're 256's parents...oh!

    Yeah, one last thing. Didn't Rosa have a son? Yeah, in chapter two, that boy was like, "Maaa!" What ever happened to him?

    June 10, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Haha, you have no idea how long I was looking forward to writing this chapter (and the next). I’m glad you got it was Wesley, I was worried people would forget about him :P

    Well, if Reagan was Alex he probably would’ve recognised Janelle :P I mean, he didn't accidently dump her, he knowingly did, so it would be weird for him not to recognise her. Plus he doesn’t really have access to plastic surgery ;) But now I think about it, it does seem strange for Janelle to give out their location like that :P

     As for 3349, I think her eyes are actually meant to be blue lol. I kept forgetting what eye colour she was supposed to have, but I’m pretty sure she sticks with blue from now on :P Oops. I'm not the most consistent of people. It’s the same for Rosa’s son, it’s funny you mentioned that… I completely forgot about him as well, and by the time I remembered it was too late to start making him appear again :P So he disappeared into the night. Perhaps he’s off fighting crime or doing something cool.

    June 10, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 22 Reply

    Another good chapter! I see what you meant about my opinion of 805 changing soon. It most certainly did in this chapter and now I'm not sure what to make of him. He seems to be a person looking to make reforms in the Gifted regime and relax some of their more extreme laws on one hand, but then he murders a defenseless girl who was only trying to save her child. And then how he seems to be able to read 256's mind as well... I'm gonna have to think about this for a while, try to sort it out.  He's quite the interesting character, that's for sure.

    I must say that I'm developing a bit of a girl crush on Janelle XD. She's really turned into a responsible leader. She's taking the revolution seriously and seems to be making wise choices. While I'm pretty sure this road trip isn't going to end well for her, she's still becoming the leader the rebellion needs and I'm proud of her :D

    Reagan continues to make me uncomfortable. I just can't figure him out. There were clearly more hints about him in this chapter, but I still can't fathom a guess at what he's up to. I suppose he could be completely innocent and up to nothing at all. He's just that happy to be there. That'd be a nice plot twist, actually, if a bit anti-climactic.

    Oh and by the way, you've given me my new favorite word: Niggle. XD! Before today I can safely say I've never heard it before, but now I have no choice but to add it to my daily speech. My previous favorite word (medulla oblongata, don't ask...) was a bit hard to say in normal everyday conversations. And that was far more than you needed to know... I'm gonna stop now...

    June 10, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Why has nobody ever heard of niggle? It’s an awesome word! ;) Although, medulla oblongata is an interesting word/phrase too. Personally my favourite word at the moment is “blasphemy”. It's fun to yell "BLASPHEMY!!!!" At the end of a sentence :P

    June 11, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 34 Reply

    Holy cow, this chapter was amazing! I see why you were waiting so long to write it. I read it twice because the emotion in here was so powerful. The characters did a lot, yet it still left some questions at the end. I wonder if 256 won't care about Carey anymore, because it seemed like he came to the conclusion that caring for people just brings pain to everybody. I can't wait to see his further thoughts. And 805 was so relieved when he found that 256 wasn't dead yet, but now he'll feel pressured to kill 256, because he let Wesley go...and he said that next time it happened he'd have to kill him. I love what you have here! Maybe 805 will do the same thing as when 256 had to let Carey go. 256 would run away and join Wesley like Carey joined Janelle's rebels.

    The beginning was nicely written and very poetic, but I felt that 256 wouldn't think something like that. I mean, yeah, I don't know all that goes on in his mind. I just thought it didn't seem 256-ish.

    Stuttering is a realistic aspect of the story, except for maybe the stuttering thoughts (I - I knew...). I can't say I can relate to that. Maybe ellipses...but not stuttering. Also, it seems like the characters only stutter on the first two words per quote, but never in the middle of sentences or near the end of one of their paragraphs of dialog. It would be nice to see that.

    Oh, and there seems to be, pardon my language, a lot of bastards in your story =P Just another thing you say a lot that seems slightly repetitive. I'm sure there's other things people can yell to expose their anger.

    And the tears again. Not only did you use that word eight times, but when you said, "He felt a tear splash on his face, but it wasn't his own" I was confused as to how his own tear would splash on his own face. Tears must be reckless on that island of theirs. Maybe you could take out the word "splash" in that quote.

    In other news, the actions and reactions of 256, 805, and Wesley were natural, and made for a great read. Why did Wesley cry, and why didn't he kill 256? I'm guessing he thinks of killing the same way as 256. Maybe he was upset that 256 didn't know where Carey was, and came to realization that vengeance wouldn't bring Carey back.

    the story, your dialog, thoughts and emotions (well, 256's and Wesley's) in this chapter did change a little (in the same chapter). But it was more fluent than usual, and the transitions were smoother and more reasonable, so good job on that.

    I like how you showed Wesley. He was training with the rebels, obviously, and looker more like a man than a boy. But he was still insecure on the inside, shown when he was crying and couldn't kill 256. Again, I can't help wondering what's going on.

    If only Carey had been there with the two boys. That would ruin the story, but I'm thinking of what it would be like; her brother and the friend who saved her life twice, fighting. That would be awkward. And if she was invisible, unable to move or do anything because 256 would have to kill her.

    Oh, and since Wesley's left, and if the Gifted are watching, what's going to happen to the family? Will Wesley go back to him? Keep looking for Carey? That is, if he believed 256 when he said she escaped. And did his opinion change when 256 let him go?

     

     

    June 10, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Are you trying to silence 256’s creative spirit???? Shame on you! :P Just kidding, I get it.

    As for Wesley not being able to kill him, it’s partly because at that point he was just lying there and taking it. I can’t say I’ve ever killed someone, but I think it would be difficult for most people to do it if the person was just sitting there :P If they’re fighting back and stuff, it’s a “kill them or they kill you” situation instead. Although, that’s only part of the reason. Hmm, it would have been interesting if Carey had been there. Now I’m wondering what would’ve happened.

    June 11, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 35 Reply

    Well that was an interesting chapter. It answered some questions and posed some new ones. Reagan is still a mysterious figure, and I wonder who he really is, why everybody gets a bad vibe from him. Why does he have to smile? He must be Gifted or something if he was able to escape the Gifted back when he was younger and notice invisible Carey. And why did he look guilty in that other chapter?

    One thing I found strange was how you said, "It was strange, really." That seems a bit informal to me, not something you'd find in a third person story.

    And after that sentence, "In the months following the rebellion at the Lake Village, Janelle had slowly forgotten why she’d been so nervous to be the leader of their group in the first place." Did she? Correct me if I'm wrong, but o me it looked like she was always a little nervous.

    I thought that it was a nice detail when Janelle was surprised that Reagan knew she wanted to get her daughter back. But Janelle didn't mention a daughter, she just said that she lost a child. Unless she said it in one of her other speeches.

    Another thing was when Janelle said, "Well, I thought she might've been, but I wasn't wasn't sure." Not that I'm an expert on natural dialog, but I found it strange how she didn't answer his question about why she would be worried of him judging her.

    I'm not to sure about what was happening with Gifting being in a brothel. Isn't that kind of thing against their beliefs? Also, Carey was going to fulfill her promise to Samantha. Did that mean keeping an eye of them? For some horrid reason, when I first read it (I read every chapter twice) I thought she was going to kill Reagan for appealing to Janelle. Well, it sure made everything dramatic.

    I like your characterization. Like 805, Reagan is a complicated character, but I can actually sort of understand him, or at least some parts, so it's more mysterious than confusing. The thoughts and actions for your characters in general are elaborate and captivating. Of course, your plot line is just as good. It's also complex in a good way.

    I don't know how many times I've said this, sorry for being repetitive, but dramatic irony is a strong point in this story. Two examples in this chapter are when Carey thought that Wesley hated her for being Gifted, which obviously isn't the case, and Janelle not knowing that she's a great leader. I don't think it's the same thing, but when Carey saw her and Reagan kissing, I really liked that part.

    It's hard to say who my favorite character is. I can't relate to Reagan, but that's only because he's being all mysterious. He's one of my favorites because he puts other people first, trying to make them feel better even though he has so many worries of his own. Of course, he could always be evil, but...hopefully he isn't. I think I relate to 256 because we're both boys and his thoughts are clear.

    I wonder what other Gifts there are that haven't been revealed yet. It's fun to think of what they could be. Maybe some include shapeshifitng, or making people fall in love with you, something like that. Do you have a favorite character? And if you could have any Gift, what would it be? I think I would be a Gift of Earth because they're like alchemists as they can turn graphite into diamonds. Being able to make things would be cool too.

    June 12, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comment! Carey did mean keep an eye on him, not kill him :P That would be mean. Anyway, as for Janelle not being nervous, I probably used the wrong word there. I was trying to say that she’d forgotten about the endless self-doubt and stuff, although she does still feel it she doesn’t focus on it all the time. Also that she’s stopped thinking “what would a leader do?” and instead thinking “what would I do?” So I guess she is still nervous at times, but she’s not letting her nervousness lead her to making stupid decisions anymore. Probably I shouldn’t say she’s forgotten, that’s not right :P It's more like she's not letting it bother her as much anymore.

    As for the Gifted visiting brothels, it’s not against their beliefs. They’re not supposed to form attachments, but the Council doesn’t care what else they do :P But, it does depend on the person. Some of the Gifted will take “no attachments” to mean complete abstinence, while others don’t. Plus, their lifestyle is quite stressful, so… they need some way to let of steam, and many of them would visit brothels (or just do it with each other) to do that.

    Hmmm… I like the main characters equally, but I suppose Wesley is probably my favourite secondary character. Twin power! I think I’d like Earth powers too (because I feel sorry for Earth powers, they’re always so neglected in elemental stories… xD). Although, having Fire powers would be good to because then I wouldn't have to suffer through my city's heat, as I'd be immune :P

    June 12, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 36 Reply

    Awww, there's only seven chapters left after this one. You have a sequel, right? I find it hard to believe that the rest of the story will take place in only 26,300 words, that I'm already 83% finished. The rest will probably be really dramatic and fast-paced. I look forward to reading up to the end and seeing what happens, but I almost don't want it to come.

    One thing that I didn't get was how 805's bandage seemingly wasn't bleeding through until 256 looked at him. Surely if the bloody patch was growing then 805 would have noticed it by then, and wouldn't it have just bled on the fresh one?

    Early on in the chapter 256 felt his nose and it didn't seem to hurt. But later he touched it and it hurt a lot.

    Also, does Thomas make weapons like a normal blacksmith? How did he make them so fast? At first I thought he used his fire powers, but now I'm not sure. Unless he can withstand higher temperatures, making the metal melt faster. But then why would Samantha and Carey be with him while he was forging? They must have been really close if they could have a conversation, and if Thomas was able to hug her.

    I found it strange how Samantha responded to Carey saying that Reagan shouldn't have been able to see her, saying "Yes, it's impossible..." How would she know? Perhaps they weren't being literal, because obviously something happened. Other than this you've been doing a pretty good job at being reasonable with how much people know.

    As far as time goes, I'm a bit disoriented. They went to a second inn? Hadn't they spoken at another inn by the end of the last chapter? Was that inn a third one, and by second you meant the second they went to after Marvin lead the new recruits to the brothel? They got ten supporters from the first one, five more in the next and then another twelve. Janelle wanted twenty though. And they're already going to the South-East village with the factory? Day or night is another thing that I would like to have a general awareness of.

    Learning that 805 used to cut himself wasn't much of a surprise, due to his drinking and not being afraid of death. But it did show how 805 sympathizes with 256, and their thoughts were pulled off nicely.

    I like how you described 256's nose, and Thomas's eyes. It was also nice how you talked about how 805's burns were what made him clumsy. Though I would think that his movements were because of him having to use his left arm. It was also a good detail when 256 mentioned that he didn't even know what love is. The dialog was good as usual, and I particularly liked how Thomas said that not everybody is deceitful, and that conversation in general.

    It's funny how 256 and 440 have two different ideas of behaving badly when it comes to love, in a way. 440 was telling 256 to rape her or whatever, but he was upset just because he loved Carey but she didn't love him back.

    Another curious thing is how 256 was, in his words, too much of a coward  to kill himself, and he had to let someone else (like Wesley or 805) do it for him. I can't say I've thought of that before, someone wanting to die but not willing to kill themselves. I guess he doesn't want to disappoint 805 by taking his own life, because without Michelle, 256 is the only one 805 has.

    I wonder if the Leader paired 256 with Carey and 805 on purpose. Maybe he's where 805 wants to be, against Gifted beliefs and in a high position of authority. And he's trying to slowly erode the Gifted, or take part in its downfall, by helping those three secretly and discreetly.

    Hehe, I was just thinking of how Samantha would have reacted if Carey told her that Janelle and Reagan kissed...She probably would have killed him. That's what she said, right?  

    June 13, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comment! Yes, I have a sequel. Well, I haven’t written it yet, because I want to fix this one up first, but I plan on writing it.

    Well, I find that people will often say “that’s impossible!” when faced with something they thought couldn’t happen (even if it’s staring them right in the face :P). So although Samantha says “yes, that’s impossible”, she doesn’t completely believe it, hence why her voice trails off as she’s obviously still thinking about it. As for 805’s bandage, it was quite  thick one so it hadn’t bled through until then, but it was probably close to clotting when he changed it so it wouldn’t bleed through again. And yes, they did visit 3 inns. They aren’t taking the new recruits with them, they are there to provide a base if they fail. The ones who’ve been there for a while will go.

    Lol, Samantha probably wouldn’t have killed him. Yelled at him, maybe, probably threaten him. I mean, she says she’d kill him, but she probably wouldn’t actually go that far unless he did something really bad :P

    June 14, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 37 Reply

    The shining light on the horizon: "That's a ball of fire." Yeah, a ball of fire called the sun =P What a surprising ending, 256 noticed the sun's existence! Yes, that's impossible... Just kidding. That was the signal, right? I wonder if 805 and 256 know that and will alert the others. Or they could just go about their daily lives. How will the Gifted stand a chance? There's five of them, and two are 805 and 256. The latter two are very strong (the killed the rebels that a Gift of Air couldn't kill) but...I don't know, it's in that position again where the good guys are fighting each other. Maybe the archer rebels are going to join them...maybe Wesley's going to join the fight to save Carey's life, dying in the process. That would be very stereotypical and I hope it doesn't happen.  

    I forgot, it was nerve-wrecking when, in the last chapter, 805 said that 3349 went to a brothel. Was that the one Janelle and Co. went to, the one owned by Theresa? Or are there a bunch of those things?

    Also, since I'm on the topic of previous chapters, you forgot to remove the notes in chapters one and twelve, if you wanted to take those down.

    My criticisms for today are about wording. The first thing is from the beginning. I don't know why it upsets me, but when you said "She'd been very nervous all week, and Carey had to admit she felt the same" it was as if you were going into both of their thoughts at the same time, and it looked like Carey read Janelle's mind to find out that she was nervous. I'm know the older woman showed it, but for some reason I think it would be more fluent if you said that.

    There were a few cases of repetition, such as saying "herself" in the sentence starting with "However, despite her efforts..." and at the part where you said "life again."

    Another awkward phrase was when you said, "Now she realised that life could never truly exist." Does that seem strange reading it by itself? You meant "that" as in opposite of "this" and could say "that such a life" to make it clearer.

    After Carey escaped, you said Thomas'. According to one of my writing books, since "Thomas" isn't plural, you keep the s at the end to make it Thomas's.

    Lastly, I felt that it went by pretty fast in some parts. Overall, the story has good pacing, but it's weird when Carey thinks something like Where are they? Oh wait, there they are, over there. It might just be me, but I think there could be a better transition between looking for the Gifted House/the Gifted themselves and then finding them.

    Besides that it's pretty realistic, like when Carey was nervous about people seeing her, even though she was invisible. I could feel her tension, and when she managed to get out the house undetected, I was like, "Yeah! Way to go Carey! Woot!" That's an exaggeration, but...you get it.

    I like your details such as Carey slipping as she tried to get through the window. Her thought processes were good too, particularly her reactions to seeing the mutilated Gifted. She thought that even for them it was cruel treatment, and for a second believed that it was Janelle's doing. Maybe she still doesn't completely trust Janelle, thought they seem to be more friendly now.

    It's strange, I wonder how she felt the Gifted for the first time. Maybe it isn't something that you learn, but an ability you get when your Gift becomes stronger and used more. Or perhaps dead Gifted are easier to sense than live Gifted.

    Another strange thing (I'm not criticizing, by the way, just thinking) is how there was a Gift of Earth with two Air ones. I would think that maybe the Air Gifted wouldn't want to be in the presence of Earth Gifted. Of course, the other Gifted were there before. I wonder what their Gifts were.

    Where's Michelle? Is she 805's age? Gifted? I hope we get to meet her. That would be very interesting. Wait, she's still alive, right? 805 said that the Council will never find her, so I assume she's somewhere, alive, but he also said "who she was" so maybe she changed or something? I'm open to the possibility that she's a figment of the older man's imagination. Or maybe you're Michelle 0_0 

    June 14, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comment! I didn’t really think about it, but presumably it was a different brothel. They’d be scattered all over the island.

    As for Michelle, as far as 805 knows, she’s alive. But he hasn’t seen her in a long time, so that’s why he spoke of her in past tense a couple of times. And no, I’m not Michelle :P That would be a tad creepy if I was. Ew :P

    The heirachy between the Gifted isn’t that bad :P Gifts of Air are perfectly willing to work with Gifts of Earth, but they are more likely to be in positions of power and would probably look down on them a lot. And there’s six of them, altogether – the three Gifted from the village, 805, 256 and 3349 (she didn’t leave them, she just kind of strode on ahead by herself, but they were still travelling together).

    June 15, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 38 Reply

    "Grab as much as you can carry," Carey said. I love it. Was that pun intentional? Anyway, I think I know who Michelle is. Is she that old wanderer lady from chapter one? Of course, I have the sense that we haven't seen her yet because 805 said that only he knows about her. The lady I mentioned did get caught. Will you mention Michelle by the end of the story, or is it going to forever be an enigma like what's so special about Samantha's dagger?

    Just a little disclaimer: I'm going to be a little picky in this comment. It was a great chapter, but when I reread it I found more things to talk about that usual. As always some of them might just be me and my weird way of seeing things, but I want to let you know of everything I took note of just in case.

    You said that the factory supplied the whole town with jobs. How did Carey know that? I may be wrong, but isn't the purpose of a factory to need less workers, because of the machines and stuff? Though even then I suppose a factory in Gifted would be different from one in real life.

    The action scene was slightly confusing. How did Reagan do a backflipair if he was on the ground? Also, you said that he landed on his feet neatly, but he hurt his feet doing so due to the impact. When the Gifted man "lowered himself carefully" I didn't understand what you were talking about. Was he crouching? And why was Carey so shocked by the fact that Reagan wasn't upset about killing someone? He kind of saved her life, and killed the man quickly like the way 805 kills people. I understand that Carey was terrorized when she had to kill 440, and Reagan not being affected is related to how he seems to have fought before joining them, but I think that you should give Carey more reason to be surprised by Reagan not getting upset. Maybe if he smiled after doing it, or something like that.

    After the fight, I was at first confused as to what Carey and Reagan were talking about. I know they decided that Reagan was to go to Marvin while Carey went to help Janelle and the others. Maybe I was reading it too fast, which is often the reason for me being confused about things, but they kept talking about going and staying. Carey told him to stay and said that he couldn't go anywhere, so I thought she was going to leave him there alone.

    There were a few typos and wording that I found a little awkward. One example is when you said, "They walked as fast as he could." I assume you meant that they were walking at Reagan's pace, but it looks like a typo where you were trying to say "as fast as they could." Also, some paragraphs are indented by one space.

    The last thing that I'm going to niggle about is when 3349 said, “Now you’ve got that sorted out, can we decide what we’re actually going to do?” They already knew what they were doing, 805 was going to the house while the younger Gifted searched the village. She should probably say something along the lines of "how we're going to divide the work."

    I'm not going to focus very much on the good things of the chapter, because I"m sure you know what they are. But I think the best part of this chapter is getting the right feeling out of it, and including the little details like Thomas's bandage falling to the ground and Reagan cutting his hand on the glass. It's pretty dramatic and suspenseful but still natural. The characters fit well into the story, and I'm always wondering what they're going to do in the near future. Their mental processes are pulled off well too.

    I like how you're focuses on the main characters. You don't pull too much attention to people like 3349 or Will and Ana.

    The next chapter is going to be interesting, to say the least. Carey and 256 can stay there and do whatever, or join the action in the Gifted House. And if they stay there, they have so many options as to what they do. Neither of them has the heart to kill, but that's what they're supposed to do to each other. If I were 256 I would probably knock her out and hide her, and if I were Carey I would turn myself and him invisible so nobody would see us.

    And I can't wait to see what's been going on in the house. They both heard shouts from inside, and that one Gift of Air escaped. Hopefully 3349 didn't get to the House as well. Probably not, because while she doesn't want to obey 805's orders, she knows that she has too, and he told them to stay out of the House.

    I think that's all I have to say. As always let me know if there's something else you would like me to talk about, such as my reaction to something.

    June 15, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comment! And don’t worry about being picky, it’s good. Although I am a little confused. In the action scene with Reagan and the Gifted dude, the guy lifted him off the ground… They were fighting in the air, was that not clear? Hence why Reagan landed on his feet but still hurt his ankle (because he fell from a great height) and the Gifted man lowered himself to the ground (with his Air powers). I thought I mentioned that, but maybe not… Oops. As for the factory, considering that it wouldn’t have been a very advanced factory (only early-industrial revolution level of technology) it still would have required a number of workers.

    As for Michelle, you sort of find out who she is. And that lady was old when Carey was like, five, and 805 is only forty-seven (I don’t think I’ve mentioned his exact age, but that’s what it is). So back then he would have been thirty-something. I’m too lazy to do the maths :P Anyway, if she were that lady he must really like older women :P

    June 15, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Reply

    Oh, he's only forty-seven??? I thought he was sixty or something. As for them fighting in mid-air, that could be a bit clearer but yeah, you did indeed say that the Gifted man had him captive in mid-air. Sorry. I'm still a little confused about how Reagan did the mid-air backflip after he was thrown to the ground. I don't know, maybe I'm just overthinking it. 

    What do you mean "Gifted dude"? Is that your American impersonation? =P

    I've read the next chapter (37:Fights and Feelings, I'm about to comment) and found out who Michelle is...wow. Despite all my crazy "maybe he's actually him" theories, I wouldn't have expected that. Good job! 

     

    June 15, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Lol, didn’t 256 say he looked to be in his mid to late forties or something? :P He probably only said it once, though, so I can see how you thought he was older. I don’t know about America but here it’s very rude to ask someone a lot older than you how old they are, which is the main reason why his exact age wasn’t revealed. 256 is too polite to go, ‘um, how old are you?’ :P Plus because of his lifestyle he’s undergone a bit of premature aging and tires more easily than you’d expect for a 47 year old.

    Well, he did the backflip as he fell to the ground from mid-air, so he didn’t fall on his head :P He wasn’t already on the ground when he did it. I’ll make that clearer.

    It’s funny, I expected everyone to figure out who Michelle is, but so far only one person did… I thought it was really obvious (but then, I wrote it :P). I guess I was wrong lol.

    And Australians say dude too ;) Here, it’s seen as synonymous with “man” or “guy” at least by young people.

    June 15, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 39 Reply

    Well, I guess Michelle and Sam's dagger aren't enigmas anymore. It's a good thing that only one person guessed it right, because then it's more unexpected. The whole thing crazy...so is 805 going to join the rebels now, is Samantha going to kill him...then what would 256 do? It's one of those surprises where the clues are right under your nose, i.e. Samantha and 805 looking alike, her having a strange dagger while 805 makes strange daggers, and 805 abandoning Michelle. Now I'm wondering if 256 is related to them because of his black hair.

    I don't have a lot of things to be picky about this time. The first one is Janelle closing the Gifted woman's eyes. You've done that before...why...why? What is the purpose in closing a dead person's eyes? I know you've got that from somewhere, but I've never heard of it before.

    I'm not an expert on battle scenes, but I do have two suggestions. The scene with Janelle and 805 was awesome, for the same reasons as that one in the Lake Village. Two good guys were against each other, it was wavering between hope and doubt, you kept in mind factors such as strength and speed, etc. But I would like a more detailed description of the room, so that it's easier to imagine the scene and take into account how their environment affects them. What is the lighting? Is there any furniture that might get in the way, and how big is the room? Also, some of the fights are short, like the one with the Gifted lady Janelle killed and the one in the last chapter. I guess it's okay, because they weren't major fights, just thought I'd say that.

    It's funny how Janelle thought of diamond as a "strange substance." It's another realism thing, because in that setting you can't expect her to be familiar with diamonds.

    I like how you didn't reveal that the man Janelle met was 805 until a few paragraphs after. It made things a little bit more suspenseful, if that makes sense. Of course, not that it needed to be more suspenseful. That scene was already pretty attention-getting.

    The thoughts are, as in with the rest of the story, natural and nicely done. It's also how you provoke certain thoughts of your characters. It made things interesting how, as Carey noticed, 256 took a broken nose (and burned 805) to keep Carey's brother alive, while she killed his friend. Of course, they weren't very good friends to each other, and Carey simply put him out of his misery, but it was a good thought.

    I wonder how 3349 saw her when she was invisible, at the end. Kind of like Reagan. I can't think of any reason as to why they might be able to see her.

    I just realized that James and Reagan are so alike. Maybe Reagan is James's ghost or something, and he didn't really get away from that brothel where his mom "worked." Maybe that's how he could see Carey...maybe 3349 is a ghost too.

    June 15, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Well, 256 may have black hair, but he’s not exactly “exceptionally tall”, is he? ;) Sorry this story is such a soap opera :P

    I’m surprised you don’t know about the closing a dead person’s eyes thing. It’s a cliché in every movie ever when someone dies :P It’s supposed to be if their eyes are closed they could just be sleeping, instead of staring off into space. I suppose it’s supposed to symbolize someone putting the other person at peace. And when 3349 saw Carey, she’d turned herself visible again because she’d thought they’d all left. I’ll make that clearer.

    June 15, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Reply

    Oh, I'm sorry! I thought it said "turned herself invisible again." You don't have to make that clearer. I don't know why I keep reading things wrong =P

    I forgot to say that, if I were Carey, I might go look for 256, 805, Samantha and Janelle, to try and prevent someone from dying. You know, rather than go back to the other rebels. It just seems like a more realistic decision to me.

    Okay, that closing eyes thing makes sense now =)

    June 15, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Chapter: 40 Reply

    That ending! I thought "Swallowed him whole" was kind of stereotypical, but also dramatic and I HAVE TO KEEP READING, WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO 256??? Sorry, I know you hate caps lock 0=) There's only, what, three chapters left? I already can't wait until the sequel. This should be made into a movie or something. 256 is surely my favorite character, as he always has been. It was so funny when he punched 805 but hurt his hand in the process, and tried intimidating the older man.

    I don't have a lot of negative things. One is repetition, more words/phrases that you seem to use a lot. It isn't that noticeable at first glance, but being aware of them would make it (even) more graceful. (I'm looking for a word synonymous with fluent.) The first thing is ending a sentence with "really." Janelle didn't know why, really. The second one is "but they both knew it was a lie." You could replace that with "but she didn't even convince herself" or something. Also, if I had a dollar for every time someone's hair fell in their eyes, I don't know how many I'd have, but it seems to happen often as well. I.e. with Sam and 256.

    You said you aren't that good at description, but I don't think it's as necessary due to all the psychological stuff. Though I would like you to describe the crowd more. Were they just running around shouting, or was there anything in particular that they did? How did they react to Janelle, if at all? Of course they didn't know she's the rebel leader...and I wonder if any of the other rebels (with the bows) were there, taking advantage of the Gifted deaths. 

    I like how in this chapter you showed how the characters were affected by their environment. You kept in mind that Sam and 805 were tall, so they should have been easy to see, while 256 had trouble because he was short. At first I thought that the villagers kidnapping him was unrealistic, but then that one guy was like, "Nay, he be just a wee lad!" That's not what he said, I forget the actual words. But it's interesting and realistic how the villagers were more aggressive because they thought he was a kid, even though he was Gifted.

    Haha, "I like...I like shoes." I'm so uncool...

    I have a question: Why was 256 so insistent that 805 stay in the village? His not listening to the older man didn't confuse me, but wasn't the mission kind of ruined? And surely 256 would have lost confidence in 805 after seeing him like that. He didn't really have a lot in the first place, asking 805 if he was sure whether he wanted to go in the House alone. But I'm sure you have your reasons. Anyway, 805's going to be really upset when he finds out that Michelle died. She died, right? Sorry, I have really bad memory =P I hope he doesn't kill himself.

    It's fascinating that 805's blood made plants sprout from the ground. Why didn't it do that before? Was it his blood? That would be interesting. The bow rebels would probably murder Gifted and sell the blood for its magical properties.

    June 16, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    He wanted him to stay because even though, yes, their mission has failed, someone still had to say to sort it out. And he’s the one with the highest authority, so… Plus, 256 didn’t know (until 805 told him) that the other Gifted were dead, so he wanted him to help them. Even though 805 is injured and stuff, and won’t be much help with the fighting side of things, he’s still the leader or whatever and he’s the one who’s supposed to make the decisions. Plus him leaving means he can never go back to the Gifted, so 256 didn’t want him to make such a rash decision without thinking it through.

    It was his blood that made the grass grow. It grows for three reasons: one, he’s older and therefore he doesn’t have as much control over his Gift, two, he’s injured (physically) and worn out, and finally he’s all over the place emotionally and Gifts require a lot of concentration to control. Anyway, the fact that it didn’t happen before is supposed to show what a bad shape he’s in :P

    And yes, Michelle is dead. She died of cancer or something (I can't even remember what I kill my own characters with...) 805 is not going to be the happiest of chappies when he finds out :P I’m such an evil person…

    It’ll be quite a long time before I start the sequel, sorry :P There’s too much I want to fix up with this one first. Anyway, have fun with the rest of the chapters. Muhahahahahaha.

    June 17, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Reply

    Oh, and something I forgot to say. Do you think that 805’s reaction to what happened (with Samantha) was realistic? Because my sister told me she thought he should be angry at Michelle for not telling him, but I wasn’t sure… When I wrote it I figured he wouldn’t be angry because he doesn’t really think he missed out on anything, as being Gifted he never would have thought of having a family and stuff like that. So instead he’s more upset and guilty because he knows that babies cost money and stuff, which she didn’t have much of… That’s what I thought, but when she said that it made me unsure >.< Do you think the way I wrote it was realistic, or should I change it to make him angrier?

    June 17, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Reply

    Sorry about the late reply. It's hard to say. To me, 805's reaction was realistic; he's obviously a self-accusatory kind of guy, and I don't think he would get mad at Michelle. I mean, he chose to sleep with her, so he took the risk. Was your sister referencing the part where that one rebel scolded 805? He was angry then, and I guess he could get angry at Samantha the way he did at that one guy. He doesn't really have any emotional connection to his daughter. But he got mad at that rebel because he threatened Michelle, so I think either way could work. 

    June 17, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Chapter: 41 Reply

    You've got to be kidding. That was probably the biggest cliff hanger ever...I'm definitely reading the next chapter after this. It was very dramatic. When 256 tried to console 3349, I thought Wow..this is so girly. But kind of funny. I'm glad 3349 didn't hug him or anything, and that they didn't make up. The way you have it was so much more interesting. 256 isn't going to die, is he? He's one of the main character, and my favorite! If he dies, it will feel like I died =o

    I keep forgetting to ask you why the bad guys let the good guys talk before fighting. And why they give speeches in the middle of fights. 3349 could have killed 256 while he was doing things with Carey. It's also the other way around, Carey could have knocked her out while the older woman was giving her that speech.

    One more repetitive thing, slightly cliché, is "...where his/her head had just been seconds previously" as in narrowly avoided a weapon. You didn't need that phrase to create the tension.

    It was strange to me when 256 told Carey that she was wet. I figure it's like that "Yes, it's impossible!" thing, and you said "as if he'd just noticed," but then Carey was sure that her clothes were clinging to her. Wouldn't she feel it? Sorry, I don't know why I found this to be awkward. I guess it adds to the awkwardness of Carey and 256 liking each other.

    I have some questions about 256's and 3349's powers. Why didn't the fire wall tire him out? Did it go away anyway once his focus was on 3349? And how was 3349 able to summon that much water from the air?

    One last thing: The part where Carey got out through the window was nice, but I would have gotten a better sense of terror if she hadn't tried to go through the window before it froze. I figured she would be able to try again before she did. If you hadn't mentioned the window the first time, I would have forgotten about it and thought Oh no, how is she going to get out?

    The ending was great though. I hope you don't kill 256 off, but that was unexpected (in a good way). And it was interesting how he didn't want to die anymore while he was dying. It's like a war story, where someone says that they were excited to join the war but on the battlefield they weren't so sure anymore. I know I said that 3349 looking like she was going to surrender was girly, but it helped with that hope/despair thing. It looked like 256 was going to win, then it looked like he was going to die, and so on.

    I wonder if 3349 has a weak spot. She was literally crying in front of her enemy, talking about how she didn't want to be a nobody. Nice bit of satire there...exposes the things people will do to fit in. I forget, how old was 3349? Was she 256's age or older?

    It was surprising when 256 caught 3349's sword. Can people really do that or is 256 just awesome like that? The characters in this story are all so skilled. At least they don't have guns, then it would be a different story. Ok, I'm going to read on now. 

    June 17, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    I don’t think 256 ever wanted to die. At least, not really. It’s more like he thought he deserved to die. It’s interesting, actually, I read somewhere that a large percentage of people who’ve attempted suicide (can’t remember the number) say that once they’d actually started to die, they realised they didn’t want to anymore. And you’re right about the wet thing :P It is oddly phrased.

    256 wasn’t casting the fire wall long enough to tire him out :P And 3349... I don't think I ever mentioned her age, either. She's older than 256, probably in her mid twenties. As for her water, yeah, I’ll admit I stretched the willing suspension of disbelief there… :P But it was cool, so I wanted her to do it. She was badly affected by it, which is part of the reason why she waited for 256 to overcome her and stab him with the knife instead of deliberately try and kill him outright, because she knew he’d beat her when she was tired. Same with the sword catching thing. It is possible to do, but I don’t think anyone would actually try it in real life because it’s really risky. But it happened in my favourite manga, so whatever! :P

    It is a bit girly of him, but the part with him trying to talk to her is important. 3349 is supposed to represent the normal Gifted person, and that moment of vulnerability is meant to show that, underneath even the most detached of them, they still have fears and insecurities like everyone else. And 256 knows he won’t be able to kill her deep down, so he tries to talk to her instead, but it doesn’t work.

    June 18, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 42 Reply

    Yup, I have to read the next chapter now. Not much really happened in those 3,063 words. Carey killed 3349, ran to the rebel house, and they went back to 256. But that's a broad summary, it was very emotional and exciting. This isn't a bad thing, but it all came by so fast, because a lot of things I expected to happen didn't. I thought they were going to overthrow the Gifted, for one, but also get Carey back to her family. Reagan's secret wasn't exposed, and 256 and Carey didn't kiss passionately in the moonlight. (if 256 lives, hopefully that doesn't happen). I further anticipate the sequel but will wait for it patiently. After all, great art can't be rushed.

    As I said, I like your descriptions of the people and their actions. But what were they doing, exactly? Why were they outside, especially with that giant ring of fire?

    There were a few typos. For example, when 805 walked over to Carey, it said, "'Here,' someone placed a hand on her shoulder." That should be a period instead of a comma, because putting a hand on someone's shoulder isn't a synonym for "said."

    When Reagan said that the blood on his hands wasn't his, I don't know why but I thought it was the blood of the Gifted he killed. It confused me when Janelle asked whether he was okay. Um, no, that guy was not okay.

    At first I didn't understand why Janelle left with Carey and Marvin, and why Marvin swore out loud when he saw 256. There wasn't really a need for Janelle to go with them and she left Reagan alone in the house (unless the other rebels were there). Swearing didn't seem like something Marvin would do, and it certainly didn't help anything. Why would he care about a Gifted boy?

    But then I realized that Janelle need to go so the perspective wouldn't change and so you could have her doubt at the end of the chapter. And swearing showed that Marvin thought he might not be able to fix 256, adding to the tension.

    Another thing that added to the tension was Carey not rushing to the house to get Marvin. It makes you go "Come on, girl! Your friend needs saving!"

    Poor 256. If he survives, which he better, it's going to be strange. I bet he and 805 are going to join the rebels. And then the other rebels will join them. Maybe they'll take over that village. I wonder what future awaits them. 256 will probably be afraid to fight in the future, and Janelle might have a different perspective on the Gifted. How will Thomas go about doing things without a right hand and little of his left one? Surely he won't use his Gift anymore. Hmm, can you use a Gift without hands? And he probably won't be able to be a blacksmith without his right hand, and Samantha's going to be even more protective.

    June 17, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    I must admit, I’m rather offended that you think I could write something so cheesy (256 and Carey kissing passionately in the moonlight) ;) The “Are you okay?” thing is similar to the “that’s impossible!” I think people feel obligated to say it, even though the person is obviously not fine. Maybe it’s a girl thing.

    June 18, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 23 Reply

    Wow, so much happened in this chapter! Starting with 805, I'm still not sure what to make of him. I want to hate him for being a ruthless killer that murders innocent women, and yet after learning a bit more about him I can sort of see where he's coming from. In his mind, he's just doing his job. He may not like it, he may not want to do it but that's the world he lives in. He's just following the orders of his superiors and the rules laid down by the Council. That's not to say I suddenly like him or that I think he's any less of a jerk :P I just understand him a bit better.

    It was rather unsettling to see how he felt about the nonGifted though. He does seem to buy into the idea that the Gifted are superior to everyone else, especially when he said that the only punishment for the nonGifted is death while this is untrue for the Gifted. 805 is one complex guy.

    On Carey's side of things is obviously where the action happens in this chapter. Once again you've broken my heart with a truly tragic death. Rest in peace, Rosa. You will be missed. :( Thomas turning out to be Gifted instead of Samantha was a nice twist (although Sam could obviously still be Gifted too). At the very least the rebels have two Gifted on the team now, although I'm assuming Thomas isn't very good at controlling his abilities what with his hands being the way they are.

    It was also interesting to learn that Carey can turn other people invisible as well. Since other Gifted can create walls of ice and fire, could Carey perhaps make a bubble of invisibility? I'm envisioning her turning a rebel army invisible and sneaking them into the Gifted headquarters. Anyway, a very good chapter overall. The action scenes were very well done and there's a lot of good new information to be gleaned. Looking forward to seeing what happens next!

    June 17, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comment! :) Well, those views on the nonGifted aren’t really his views, necessarily – it’s the same thing, they are the Council’s views, and he feels he has no choice but to obey them and believe them because he’s Gifted. His own personal views on the nonGifted are… rather complicated, shall we say :P Quite a lot of people have commented on that, so I should make it clearer. And you're right about Thomas, he doesn't have much control over his powers. I felt bad killing Rosa, but it had to be done :(

    Teehee. Ice and fire :P I’m not sure if that was intentional… xD

    June 18, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Reply

    Wow, I wasn't even thinking about that when I was typing that comment!  Good catch, though! :D I must have Game of Thrones on the brain or something :P

    June 18, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Chapter: 43 Reply

    Gosh, I can't believe this is the end of the story. What do you mean, "I hope it was enjoyable"? It felt like an actual published book that you'd pay for, not one you'd read for free online. If this has been your first draft then your final one is going to be even more awesome. The end closed off the story well as everybody was focused on the future.

    I don't know if this is necessarily a bad thing, but this last chapter did seem gloomy. Obviously this isn't a children's story and there's a sequel, so the characters aren't supposed to live happily ever after. But it seemed as though everybody was upset about the way things turned out, except maybe Janelle. And she only smiled due to the thought of fighting more, which to me was ironic because of all they've been through. The turn of events weren't as satisfying as I thought they would be. Don't get me wrong- while this isn't my favorite chapter, it's not that I don't like it. I'm just saying that it felt a little dark and abruptly ending. Ma

    In the sixth paragraph, was Samantha stroking Thomas's amputated hand? That's pretty creepy. Or did you mean to say his left one?

    You started a sentence with "that's right" just past halfway through the chapter, and I thought that was a bit too informal for third person narration.

    One last bit of repetition, it seems as though you use the word "heart" whenever someone kills another person. It's not terribly annoying, but something to keep in mind if that kind of thing bothers you.

    Carey seemed rude when she blurted out "How is he?" when they were talking about Thomas. He said he was fine, but still. Because of your word choice I assume you meant to show her that way. She must really like 256.

    "That's a nice number." XD That line made me laugh. I like how you have the characters say awkward things, because it makes them appear more human and serves as comedic relief.

    I said that things felt gloomy, but certainly not in a dull way. You pulled the emotion off really well, especially Carey sitting next to 256. You set it up really well, creating past events that affect the characters' thoughts. And it was natural, so it was easy to feel like I was in the story myself.  

    The best part is probably seeing how the characters react to each other. Their relationships are complex, like how they're all good guys but their dislike for each other went from Carey disagreeing with Janelle, to Samantha hating her dad, to the Gifted hating everybody. And they have conflicting emotions, like 256 not knowing whether to stay with the Gifted or be with Carey. While the ending felt abrupt on terms of physical events, it wrapped up the emotional parts quite nicely. Samantha didn't have to worry about her dad's presence because he left, Carey and 256 know that they like each other and 256 finally gets to be with her. They're all together, and aren't so sure about the future but Janelle is confident.

    I forgot that a Gifted person let Michelle keep Thomas. So everything started when 805 was that person, huh? It's amazing how all the characters are related.

    I wonder why 805 said, "I'm sorry about your hand" and "I should have..." Did he have something to do with it? Could he have fixed his hand or something?

    If 256 dies, it's going to be pretty disappointing. You used the word "lifeless" twice, which could be a hint that he's going to die. Oh no.

    I wonder if we're going to meet Amy in the sequel, or if she never appears like Michelle. That would make things interesting. I would hope to hear more about the other worlds too, and Wesley.

    That's pretty much it for this comment. I've really enjoyed reading Gifted. Let me know if you have any questions or concerns. Would you like me to review another one of your stories?

    June 17, 2014 | David Boyce


  • Reply

    Thank you for reading :) I’m glad it was enjoyable. I’ve never written an ending for a story before (not for a long story, anyway), so I don’t really know if I did it right.

    Oops, she was supposed to be stroking his left hand. Originally it was his left hand that was amputated, but then I decided to be extra mean and made it his right instead. I must have missed that spot when I changed it. The thing with 805 and Thomas’s hand is probably a lot simpler than you’re thinking :P He was going to say: “I should have warned her…” because he didn’t think of it when they were together, and he knew something like that could happen if he turned out to be a fire Gifted. Sorry if that’s a spoiler, or anything. It’s not very important, and probably won't be mentioned again :P

    As for reading another one of my stories, I don’t really mind :) The only other long story I have is Day and Age, but it’s rather… Well, let’s just say it’s not for everyone. It’s quite depressing and gloomy, particularly at the beginning. Plus it’s pretty much a full on drama story, with a bit of supernatural/mystery thrown in. You can read it if you want to, but you might not like it. And I won’t be offended or anything if you don’t.

    June 18, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 24 Reply

    Although I didn't expect to feel this way, 440 was redeemed somewhat in this chapter. The way he begged for 256's forgiveness in his final moments really revealed so much of the boy he once was. It doesn't excuse the things he did, but I do feel a little bit of compassion for him now at the very least. Well done. As for Carey, she made the right decision in ending 440's suffering. She could have easily left him there to die, but instead took the merciful route and I liked that.

    It's also interesting to note that Carey sees Samantha and Thomas as lovers...

    805 continues to be a very interesting, albeit infuriatingly confusing character (that's a good thing in my opinion, by the way). For the life of me I cannot figure him out. He's drinking on the job, which I'm pretty sure the Gifted wouldn't approve of and he was positively sweet to the little nonGifted girl. (I was drinking orange juice when I got to the 'Mister Gifted' part. I laughed quite a lot and... let's just say complications arose :P) Then he goes on to say that he'll cast his ideals aside the second the Gifted give him orders. The guy is definitely a hypocrite, but hey, at least he admits it.

    And to wrap up, naturally I must mention that cliffhanger. With 805 and 256 seemingly out to do murder, I'm suddenly very uncomfortable as to the safety of some of my favorite characters. It is odd though that 805 was afraid. He had no problem killing that woman in the forest, so why should he be worried now? Very curious indeed :D

    June 24, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comment! It’s good, your reaction to 440’s death is what I was aiming for. I didn’t want to excuse what he’d done, but at the same time I did want to redeem him a little. He’s quite a tragic character, really. I mean, he did get tortured and see his best friend be tortured in front of him, that’s enough to make most people go crazy. And while 256 made himself forget to cope with it, 440 took a… different route, shall we say.

    As for 805, the Gifted would definitely not approve of him drinking :P Another example of how he’s a hypocrite, as he’s breaking the rules but at the same time he punishes rule-breakers.

    Anyway, let’s just say that the murder they spoke of is not quite what you’re thinking… I’d say but last time I got in trouble for giving someone a spoiler (even though I don’t really think it’s spoiler). Anyway, it'll make more sense why 805 is afraid in chapter 24 ;)

    June 24, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 25 Reply

    This is a prime example of the fact that not much has to happen in a chapter to make it a very interesting read. Carey's reaction to 440's death and her role in it surprised me, I must say. I can't say I'd be all that inclined to bury the man who one tried to rape and murder me. However, I can see how Carey would be effected by killing 440. Regardless of what he did, she killed him. That would have to take a powerful emotional toll on her.

    It was very good to see Carey and Sam getting along for once. I've always liked Sam, but she was irritating me a little when she was being so mean to Carey, even if she did have her reasons. I enjoyed getting the details of Samantha's mysterious secrets at last. Of course, doing so just opened up new mysteries. Something is clearly going on with Sam and Thomas's family. I want to think that 805 might somehow be involved with them. Perhaps he was the Assessor that didn't take Thomas? Eh... it's a stretch, I suppose, but my mind works that way :P

    June 24, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Haha, Carey’s reaction to his death is a bit odd. She’s feeling really guilty and upset, so she’s sort of dissociated him from the boy that tried to rape and murder her. It helps that he’s around her age, and has a bit of physical resemblance to her brother, so she’s sort of imagining it happening to him or herself. Plus he just gave her that speech, so... xD

    Lol, I have to say I expected people to think that 805 was somehow connected to them… But I’m not saying whether it’s true or not ;)

    June 24, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 26 Reply

    While I wouldn't have considered that a spoiler at all, it definitely not what I was thinking on the murder aspect. I was fully expecting some sort of assassination or something. I'm very glad it didn't go that way. It was interesting to learn a bit more about the Other Worlds. At the first mention of the strange weapons and the descriptions of the wounds they caused I half expected them to be modern day firearms and that the Other Worlds might be real world countries. This was immediately shot down by the reveal that the weapons were arrows. I never considered arrows because I had always assumed that bows and arrows were already around on the island. I makes sense as the Gifted would see no need for them, but it was a nice surprise nonetheless.

    As for Janelle's portion of the chapter, let's just say Reagan continues to creep me out and I'm not really sure why. He seems like a nice guy, but he worries me. Especially now that he's so skilled with a sword. Where'd he learn those skills? I briefly thought he might but the Gifted murderer, but I don't think the timelines line up for that to work. He would have already been with the rebels by the time the murders took place. Regardless, I don't trust him. :P

    Overall, a very good chapter. Anxiously awaiting a Janelle/Sam/Carey reunion :D

    June 26, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Haha, last time someone assumed they were committing murder (instead of just investigating it) I told them the truth and then they were like, “No, you gave me a spoiler!” But I don’t think it really was one, because I didn’t say who died or anything xD Oh well.

    I did actually consider making the Other Worlds the modern day world, but I figured they’d be too powerful that way and would’ve just curb-stomped the Gifted long ago ;)

    June 26, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 27 Reply

    805 is a very bitter guy, isn't he? He clearly has his reasons for being that way, though. I must say he was actually likable in this chapter! I never know which version of him I'm going to get, so to see him as he is in this chapter was really good. He's relatable, in a way, what with his shattered hopes and ideals. He also seems to care for 256... well, at least a little bit :P

    3349 definitely brought some humor to the chapter. She teased 256 about his height (Being 5 foot 1 myself, I understand his pain as my friends tease me all the time XD) and telling him he looked like a 12 year old girl were both greats lines from her. She's mean but I can't help but like her :D

    And it seems Janelle might just have a little bit of a crush on Reagan. I'm not exactly comfortable with that. We're still not trusting him over here, by the way XD

    July 4, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Haha, sorry about all the height jokes in this story… I’m almost six feet tall, so I can’t help but make fun of short people. It’s like a compulsion… My real life short friends must hate me, because I tease them a lot.

    And yes, 805 is bitter. Just a little bit :P As for Reagan, I can't say much... xD

    July 4, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 1 Reply

    This chapter really caught my attention. After reading the summary, then reading this, I am glad I decided to. Your vocabulary and use of description is astounding and I can't wait to read on to the next chapters.

    Keep it up!

    July 8, 2014 | Branson Denero


  • Reply

    Thanks for reading! I'm glad it was enjoyable :) If you'd like me to read something in return, feel free to PM me.

    July 8, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 28 Reply

    Yay, more action! I absolutely love your actions scenes, they're very well done. 805 is a pretty awesome fighter. He's like the Jack Bauer of the Gifted world. (I apologize in advance if you have no idea who that is XD) It was nice to see 256 come up with the escape plan, although I did want to warn him that lighting a fire in an enclosed space with little oxygen isn't the best idea. If only the Gifted knew science...

    I'm suddenly curious if the rebels who attacked them are Otherworlders (I don't know what to call them :P) or if they're just villagers who have gotten their hands on Other World weapons. If it is, in fact, an Other World invasion I would have expected them to arrive in force. Perhaps these people are just a scouting party? Although if they were sent to survey the Gifted and report back, they probably wouldn't be wantonly murdering the Gifted. Now I've poked a hole in my own theory. I'm going to stop now.

    On the rebellion's side of things, it was great to finally see the gang back together again! It was good to see a new, softer side to Samantha during her conversation with Carey. She's always so hard and cold and seeing that she does have a compassionate part of herself underneath the tough exterior is nice. Janelle, meanwhile, took the news about Thomas quite well. I half expected some tension between them after Sam kept that secret from her for so long. I'm glad it didn't go that way, and it's actually understandable seeing that Janelle's daughter is Gifted. It makes sense that she'd understand where Samantha was coming from when she decided to keep her secrets.

     

    July 10, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    I’m really glad you like the action scenes, because I’m not very confident about them… I’ve never really written action before I wrote this story, so it’s really reassuring :) Anyway, the next chapter has quite a lot of action too, so I hope you enjoy it!

    And I did have no idea who Jack Bauer was :P I googled him though, he sounds cool :P Although he doesn’t really look like I imagine 805 to look (his hair is too light!). Hehe. When I wrote this, I was thinking, ‘256 you’re just making this situation worse, but it’s kind of funny because you think you’re making it better…’ I have a strange sense of humour :P

    And I’m glad you appreciate Samantha’s inner squishiness. That’s what I call it when a character has a tough, cold exterior and then has this secret squishy side… I don’t know why I call it squishiness, but I do :P

    July 10, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 29 Reply

    More great action in this chapter! Again, the fight scenes were very exciting and kept me riveted until the end. I thought for a moment there 256 might kill that rebel woman. I'm very glad he didn't have to, though. It was interesting that he imagined her being Carey there for a minute...

    Michelle, hmm? Very interesting. 805 clearly has something to hide although I'm not sure what that might be. My first thought is that she could be his current/former wife/girlfriend. Or perhaps she's his daughter? Either way, it likely wouldn't do for the Gifted to find out about her.

    I'd like to take a brief moment to say that 3379 is a (insert foul name of your choice here). She's great to have in a fight, but otherwise... She's a cold, cruel, ruthless woman. She also makes me question the overall wisdom of the Gifted's disobey-and-die policy when she says she should just kill 256 right then. I mean, sure 256 might not be overly useful in a fight and yes he's made mistakes and broken rules, but when you're up against an enemy like these new rebels, it probably isn't the best time to start killing your own team :P

    Overall, a great chapter. I'm excited to see what happens next :D

    July 15, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comment! Haha, if 256 was back at the Council they’d (probably) let him go for that. It’s difficult for them because they need the threat of death/punishment to keep the Gifted obedient, but at the same time they have limited numbers (even without the rebels killing them, there's only so many Gifted born each year :P). But at the same time they probably wouldn’t object if 3349 had killed him, because to them he’s a liability.

    July 15, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 30 Reply

    Aww, Sam! She was kind of sweet in this chapter, in her very own Samantha-ish way. She's always been one of my favorite characters, even if she wasn't all that likable. After this chapter she's definitely shifted into the likable category. She seems to be opening up a bit now. I really like her relationship with Carey. They compliment each other really well and I enjoyed their conversation.

    I'm also completely with her on Reagan. He earned a bit of sympathy in this chapter. He's clearly had a hard time of it, but I still don't trust him at all. I'm very suspicious of him and I don't think he's there with good intentions. I'd love to be proven wrong, but I still think he's up to no good :P

    Also, there's something about Janelle looking through a peephole in a door in a brothel that made me giggle when I read about it XD There's my sense of humor for you...

    July 19, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Samantha’s one of those characters that people either like a lot or don’t like at all. She’s meant to be kind of intimidating and perfect (in terms of looks and strength and stuff), but then inside she’s still a person.  Anyway, I’m glad she’s likable :P I’ve considered making her a POV character a few times (after all her secrets are revealed) but I didn’t want to upset the gender ratio so I decided against it :P

    Hehe, I must say I never thought of that… Now I’ll never be able to edit that scene without cracking up xD

    July 20, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 31 Reply

    I was very glad to see Janelle thinking about what would happen should her rebellion actually succeed at overthrowing the Gifted. Their focus so far has only been to take down the regime (which is completely understandable at this point as they really haven't been at this all that long) but she definitely needs to start thinking about the future. If the Gifted collapse, what would the nonGifted do? Does Janelle even want a leadership role in a new government? There's a lot for the rebels to consider and bringing down the Gifted without some form of plan for what happens after that might just be worse than the situation they're in now.

    The conversation between 805 and 256 really made me start to think more about the history of the Gifted. I think I once mentioned how I thought the Gifted called themselves Gifted because they were incredibly egotistic. While the present day Gifted clearly still are highly egotistical, I'm starting to wonder more and more about how it all began. Perhaps the Gifted weren't always the awful people they are now and at one point it was considered a good thing (by everyone) to have a Gift. I don't know, just thinking out loud :P Anyway, overall a very informative and thought-provoking chapter that kept my attention all the way through :)

    July 23, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Haha, up until now Janelle really hasn’t given any thought as to what they’re going to do after :P The nonGifted have no knowledge of government, so it will be difficult for them.

    As for the history of the Gifted and the island… There isn’t really much about that in this book, but there may be some in the sequel :P But there is a reason why they are known as “Gifted” instead of something else.

    July 24, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 32 Reply

    So it's after midnight, I'm extremely sleepy and just finished binge-watching the last ten episodes of the fourth season of Pretty Little Liars. I'm prefacing this comment with this information so if I say anything stupid, you know why :P

    805 continues to intrigue me. He's a deep and complex guy. Hypocritical to the extreme, but I keep liking him more and more. He's clearly got secrets, pretty big ones by the sound of things. I'm excited to see what he's hiding, because I don't really have any idea.

    As for Janelle and Carey, I really liked the scene with both of them. Carey's not the most sensitive of people, is she? I was surprised she told Janelle about Samantha's suspicions so quickly. She should really start thinking before she speaks :P I do hope Carey didn't completely destroy Janelle's confidence. Now isn't the time to crush her spirit!

    It was interesting that Carey thought Sam should be the rebel's leader instead of Janelle. It's true that to most people, Sam is the obvious choice. She's the warrior, she's the one that people would look up to but she doesn't have that charisma that a leader needs to inspire their troops... especially when they're up against these kinds of odds. Janelle seems to have that spark, even if she doesn't always believe in herself. She's not the necessarily the best tactical thinker or fighter, but she's a really good leader and that's important.

    Overall, a good solid chapter. I get the feeling something big is about to happen soon!

    July 26, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    On paper Samantha might seem like a good leader, because she’s obviously tough and determined. But, there’s more to being a leader than being strong, and she really can't inspire anyone to do anything, while Janelle is more relatable, I suppose you could say :P As for 805, you find out a bit of his secrets in the next few chapters :P

    Actually, I’m really looking forward to seeing what you think of the next chapter and the one after (for various reasons). The chapter after the next was one I was looking forward to writing for ages :P So yes, something big is going to happen very soon… But it’s probably not what you’re expecting :3

    July 27, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 33 Reply

    Oh, wow! Yeah, that's not good. Of all the people 256 could've run into and it had to be Wesley. I expected him to pop back into the story at some point, but I figured it would be in Carey's portion, not 256's so nice twist there. I also never suspected he'd be working with these rebels. You definitely managed to surprise me, so good job :D I'm curious to see how 256 is going to respond to this situation, and also how Wesley ended up with the Bow and Arrow Rebels.

    I really think I'm going to stop trying to figure Reagan out and just wait until it's revealed. I've considered so many different things he could be up to and I just can't figure it out. After this chapter, I've started thinking that maybe he's not actually a bad guy, but he's being forced to work against Team Janelle (There are two separate rebel groups now. I've got to call them something to distinguish them :P) by the Gifted or maybe even those new rebels. Reagan seems to actually care for Janelle and his guilt look in this chapter... I don't know XD

    Again, the action in this chapter was great. 805 can be quite brutal when he needs to be. I've got to say, he's pretty lucky 256 was the only other Gifted around during the conversation about Michelle. I can see 3349 learning about that one. That'd go over really well, I'm sure. She'd likely go straight to the council with that tidbit of info. Speaking of 3349, for the life of me I can't figure out why her number is so hard for me to remember. I haven't had a problem with any of the other character's numbers so far, but I seem to have a mental blockage when it comes to her. There's even two threes in her number for goodness sake! You'd think that would make it easier for me XD

    One nitpicky thing I noticed that I thought I'd mention: Janelle, during her speech which overall was quite well done, told the inn at large the target of the rebel attack, a timeframe for it to occur, the general location of her base and the strength of her forces. If the Gifted had any spies there, the rebels are in a lot of trouble now XD It wasn't the wisest decision in my admittedly far too strategic mind (I can't get anyone to play chess with me... :P) but it does make sense that she would want to show any potential followers that she does have a group of fighters and a plan. I don't know, it was just something I thought I'd mention. Personally, it's not really worth worrying about changing it.

    Overall, a great and exciting chapter. It definitely got me excited for the next one. I can't wait to see what happens between 256 and Wesley!

     

    July 29, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    If 3349 had been there, 805 would be in big trouble :P He might have a chance of lying his way out of it (because, he has a lot more respect in the Council than she does) but even if he managed to escape punishment he’d lose a lot of his power.

    As for Wesley, he hasn’t been sitting on his butt since Carey was taken away ;) I’ve tried really hard to make sure people remember him, because I feared they might forget as he hasn’t appeared since the beginning.

    And you’re right about Janelle. Quite a few people have mentioned that :P I didn’t think of it when I wrote it, but it seems obvious now. I must not have a very strategic mind.

    Same with 3349’s number – I think it’s difficult to remember because there’s four digits instead of three. I don’t want to change her number, because it’s weird if they all have three as theoretically there would be more than 1000 Gifted. But a lot of people have commented her number is hard to remember, so I think I’ll probably have to change it :P I’ll probably drop one of the threes or something. And that way her number could fit in with my 4/13 obsession, as 3+4+9=16 :P

    July 29, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 1 Reply

    I felt a sort of Hunger Games like vibe come off of it when i read the summary but in more of a supernatural way, if that made any sense. The plot really intrigues me so I may just have to read further into this. Btw, this is my first comment on a story since I started using this account, so you're lucky. Anyways, i was really confused when you kept mentioning Lindsey as a he because I have always thought it was a girls name. Well that serves me right I guess >.<

    Anyways, I really like it so far. I wish you luck on revamping

    July 30, 2014 | Lizzie Striker


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comment! Haha, you're definitely not the first person to compare this story to the Hunger Games ;) People also compare it to Divergent and Avatar the Last Airbender. I'll try and comment on your story in return later, when I have time.

    July 30, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 34 Reply

    Wow, that was one heck of a chapter! I was a little worried when I saw the title there, I'll admit :P This chapter was very emotional all the way through. Wesley reacted exactly as I suspected he would. To him, this is the guy who kidnapped his sister and did heaven only know what to her. He's just being a protective brother and despite the fact that I'm always cheering for 256, I can't fault Wesley for doing what he did. He's still a likeable character regardless and everything he did was believable and completely justified in my opinion.

    256 meanwhile earned some more points from me when he stopped 805 from attacking Wesley. He knowingly broke the rules and showed mercy to a rebel. 805 told him he would have to kill him if he made any more mistakes, and I do believe this counts as a pretty big mistake in the Gifted's eyes. That took a lot of courage and while I don't actually think 805 is going to kill him I am a bit worried about 256 right now.

    One other thing that's completely unrelated to this chapter but since you brought back Wesley it made me think of it. Didn't Rosa have a son at one point? Whatever happened to the little guy? Did he die in the fire? He just sort of disappeared ages ago and I haven't really thought about him since.

    July 31, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    As for Wesley, I’m glad he’s likeable. I was worried people would hate him for being mean to 256 :P But, as you said as far as Wesley knows 256 could have done a number of unsavoury things to her.

    As for her son, I forgot about him until I went back to rewrite that chapter Then I was like, oh yeah, him… xD I’ll try and remember him this time as I go through ;) I’ll probably end up killing him in the fire, which is kinda sad for him. Poor kid.

    July 31, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 35 Reply

    You managed to make me feel sympathetic toward Reagan with the story about his mother, but only a few paragraphs later made me more suspicious of him than I've ever been! Overall, I'm not 100% sure I believe his story. Although, part of me thinks he's telling the truth, but is leaving something out. I still can't figure him out, but I definitely don't trust him. :P

    I used to think he was secretly Gifted, but I left that idea behind a while ago. Now, though, I'm thinking maybe he's immune to the Gifted's powers somehow so that's how he knew Carey was there. It might also explain how he was able to escape the attack on his home when no one else did. Either that, or he is Gifted and his power is the ability to see people with the Gift of Stealth... which would be a pretty useless power if that's all it can do so yeah... I don't think that's it xD

    I've never really thought about how odd it would feel to be invisible. I guess I've always assumed that invisible people could still somehow see themselves or something. In Carey's case, it would have to be extremely disorienting to try to fight or do much of anything when she can't see herself!

    August 4, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comment! Haha, the thing about invisibility is something that has always bugged me about that power. I think I’m too literal minded :P

    As for Reagan, keep guessing :P It’ll be quite a long time before his secrets and stuff are revealed.

    August 4, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 36 Reply

    805 was practically affectionate in this chapter! It was a little strange, the way he acted with 256 but it was good all the same. Plenty of great male bonding in that part. I'm really enjoying these two more and more. They have a very interesting dynamic between them that's really fun to read about.

    I suddenly get the feeling the the brothel 3379 is going to is the same one the rebels are using as a base. I suspect she's going to stumble upon the rebel's hideout. The entire rebellion comes to an end because one Gifted girl can't keep her pants on :P

    I wonder what Sam's reaction would have been if Carey had told her she had spotted Janelle and Reagan kissing. I imagine that confrontation would have been... heated to say the least. Also, I'm not sure Sam thinks Reagan seeing Carey was impossible at all. Perhaps Reagan was just really good at pretending tried to get a reaction from him.

    I'm very curious as the plans Janelle has for Carey and Thomas. It should be very exciting!

    August 4, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Lol, 805’s kind of an oddball sometimes. If he doesn’t like someone than he’s really mean and cold, but if he likes them he’s almost overly affectionate :P I like writing about him and 256, because although they are different in many ways there’s also similarities between. There relationship, along with Samantha + Janelle and Wesley + Carey, are among my favourite platonic relationships to write about in this story.

    Sam definitely would not have reacted well if Carey had told her about Janelle and Reagan. She probably would have threatened him, or even punched him or something :P I think she needs to take some anger management classes…

    August 4, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 37 Reply

    Might there be a Carey/256 reunion in the near future? I think so. I'm not sure it'll be a happy reunion, but a reunion nonetheless. I'm a bit worried now that all the characters seem to be on a collision course with each other. I really like 256 and 805, but obviously they and Team Janelle are enemies. I'm really excited about the coming chapters, but I'm also terrified :P

    I do hope this attack goes better than the rebel's last. I've been looking forward to their next act of open rebellion for a while now and at the very least this one seems far better planned than the Lake Village. I suppose it's a good thing 805 is wounded. I'm not sure how well the rebels would fair against him at full strength.

    It was interesting to see Carey thinking about going home. I can easily see how she might not want to go back to her old life now that she's had a taste of freedom. Her life now may be dangerous, but at least she's having the adventures she used to dream about.

    Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next chapter. I expect it will be bad (in a good way :P) I'm foreseeing at least a death or two soon. I don't know who exactly, but I can feel it coming.

     

     

    August 9, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    They have planned this attack better than the last one, but who knows? Anything could go wrong :P

    Heh, I felt kind of mean deliberately injuring 805 but it had to be done :P Otherwise, Janelle and Co. (except maybe Samantha) wouldn’t stand much of a chance against him ;)

    August 9, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 38 Reply

    I would just like to say that if I ever discover who it was who came up with cliffhangers, I'm going to send them a very strongly worded letter :P

    Anyway, starting off, lots of great action in here. The fight between Carey/Reagan and the Gifted man was very well done and exciting. This fight also made me question a few of my theories regarding Reagan since he's actively killing Gifted now. Of course, it could be that it was all a setup and Reagan killed the Gifted man to further solidify his position within the rebel's ranks. Now I'm getting a little too deep into this... I swear, I'm going to go crazy trying to figure him out XD

    As for the Carey/256 reunion... I'm still not sure how this is going to go. I don't think either one of them will attack the other, but 805/3349/Janelle/Sam etc might be a little more inclined to do so. Of course, personally I'm hoping 256 sees the light and joins Carey and the rebellion, but I don't think that'll happen right away.

    Anyway, I'm going to keep this comment short because I'm going to try to squeeze in the next chapter even though I really don't have time :P I likely won't be able to leave a comment on it until tonight/tomorrow, but I know I can't go into work today with that cliffhanger dangling over my head.

    Oh, but one other thing! I like the clever way you named this chapter. Taking the name of the chapter when 256 and Carey last saw each other and flipping it for their reunion was pretty crafty :D

    August 9, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    I wonder what you’ll think of the next chapter. Quite a lot of stuff happens in that one, so I’m always nervous about it. I’m glad you liked the title thing too. Sorry these comments are short, I have to go to work very soon :P

    August 9, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 39 Reply

    Huh, well you certainly weren't joking when you said a lot happens in this chapter! First of all, a moment of silence for Will and Anna. Much like James and Emma, they didn't really have big roles in the story, but they were pillars of the rebellion. They've been around since almost the beginning. I'll miss them.

    Now, for the big stuff. 256 and Carey's reunion was absolutely perfect. I had a number of ideas as to how it might go, but I didn't suspect a friendly, awkward meeting in the middle of the street. I loved it. 256 was uncomfortably cute too. 'I really like shoes.' Best line ever XD. It was almost too nice, though... that worries me because now I'm thinking something terrible is going to happen.

    So 805 is Sam's dad, huh? I kinda thought that might be it at one point, especially once 805 started talking about his past with Michelle. They look alike and Sam's got that dagger while 805 is always making daggers. I sort of wrote that theory off because I thought it was too obvious :P The clues really were there all along and regardless of my earlier suspicions, I was surprised by this and that made me happy. My mind's going a little wild with theories as to where this could go. Samantha is clearly, and please excuse the term, pissed. There aren't going to be any sweet father/daughter moments anytime soon, I don't think.

    I swear, you and your cliffhangers :P Obviously that's 3349 Carey ran into. I feel like Carey's not going to come out on the winning side in this fight somehow. My bad feeling from her and 256's meeting coming true already?

    Anyway, overall an excellent chapter. One of my favorites so far! I'm sad, there's only four chapters left.

    August 10, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Lol, I’m glad their reunion was good xD I felt so much pressure, because people had been looking forward to it for a long time, and I thought people would expect them to have a dramatic mid battle meeting or something like that instead of what it was. 256 isn’t the suavest of people, is he? :P Let’s just say there’s going to be quite a few more cliffhangers before this story ends, sorry *evil laughter*

    When I was writing about Samantha and 805 I was like, “this is really obvious, isn’t it?”, so I just decided it wasn’t worth making a big effort to hide it :P Hence all the hints and the lack of red herrings. Although I did seem to manage some unintentional ones – a lot of people were convinced 805 was 256’s dad, which I found rather interesting :P Anyway, that’s the main reason I revealed it the minute they met, instead of dragging it out, because it’s more supposed to be about how it effects the characters instead of the shock factor, although it’s always a plus to have that too :P But surprisingly less people have figured it out than I thought would.

    I think pissed is an appropriate word ;) And yeah, they’re not going to have any “sweet” moments for a while, if they ever do at all :P Samantha kind of hates him, and they’re not the most touchy-feely people anyway (particularly Samantha, and 805 isn’t unless he knows them well).

    August 10, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 40 Reply

    Gah! Another cliffhanger. Curses :P I liked seeing so much emotion from Sam. I really felt bad for the poor girl, especially when she's telling Janelle the story about just wanting her dad when she was younger. While I'm glad Sam didn't catch him (that kind of encounter wouldn't have helped either of them) I do hope at some point they have a chance to talk (or yell, probably, in Samantha's case) about things in the future. Maybe Sam can get some answers or at the very least closure.

    I get what Janelle was saying when she said that she would lie to Amy if she ever asked about her dad, but personally I've always thought that an ugly truth is preferable to a pretty lie. Especially, as in Sam's case, she realized the truth anyway. Although, despite what Sam thinks, I don't believe 805 knew about her at all. He seems like the type of person that, had he known, he would have done something to help them even if he couldn't be there himself.

    Speaking of 805, I'm guessing the reason his blood is making grass grow is because he's pretty badly wounded and can't fully control his Gift? If so, I'd hate to be around a Gift of Fire or Water when they're injured :P

    256 might just have become my favorite character. I'm so uncool easily takes the prize of second best line ever, with first prize still going to 'I like shoes'. Also, he punched 805 in the face! Okay, sure, his attempts to intimidate 805 into staying and restoring order failed spectacularly, but just because he tried he earns a few extra Awesome Points from me.

    In closing, I'm going to be absently chanting 'Please don't let Carey drown' under my breath until I can read the next chapter :P

    August 13, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    I’m glad Samantha’s emotions were good. Even though she’s kind of cynical and acts like she’s above those pesky things called emotions, this chapter was supposed to show how she really is quite insecure on the inside. Even though she acts like she thinks her dad is an evil bastard for leaving and she never needed him at all, a part of the reason why she hates him so much is because he wasn’t there to love her.

    I think the truth is probably better too. Although, I think it’s better to wait until the kid is old enough to understand, because otherwise they might think that it was their fault. Although, in Michelle’s case, the situation was rather complicated.

    As for 805, although he didn’t “know” (I think that’s pretty obvious from his behaviour, so it’s not a spoiler or anything :P) I think he always knew it was a possibility even if he didn’t want to admit it. I mean, he’s not dumb, he knows what the possible consequences of his actions were :P As for him doing something, well… I don’t know what he could have done, he doesn’t have any money or anything lol. He could make them a lifetime’s supply of sparkly kitchenware xD

    As for his grass, it’s because he’s badly injured physically and mentally unstable at that present point :P But, the same thing wouldn’t happen with other Gifts. His Gift is about life or whatever so he can grow stuff using his life, or blood. Other Gifts lose control in other ways :P

    Lol, I like how 256 gets awesome points for failing at things :P Heh heh, there’s still a few more cliffhangers before the end of the story. I can't resist it: *evil laughter*

    August 13, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 41 Reply

    Before I begin I would like to point out that if while riding the subway filled with morning commuters, a small, short brunette with an oversized purse and an Ipad suddenly shouts out quite loudly in the otherwise peaceful train car 'Nooooo! 256!' those aforementioned commuters will give her strange looks for the rest of the journey. I'm not joking, that's a true story. Also, I'm not going to read anymore on the way to work.

    These last few chapters have all been very good, but this one might be my favorite. The confrontation and resulting fight between 3349 and Carey was very exciting. I was kind of hoping that, while invisible, Carey would just slip across the room and stab 3349 just a little bit. Ah well, maybe next time :P

    I've got to say though, this is the first time I've felt anything positive for 3349. She's always been a very cold woman (pun not intended) and I've never liked her. The part when 256 was trying to talk 3349 down and she opened up just a little and showed a hint of emotion was a really touching moment.

    I hate her again, obviously, given that she went and stabbed 256, but in that moment I felt that I understood her a bit more. She really is only what the Gifted have made her and underneath all of the 'we're Gifted so we're better than everyone' propaganda that she's been taught, really she just wants to belong. To not, as she says, be nothing. Being Gifted, to her at least, is better than being nothing. It also serves as a great reminder that the Gifted, whatever else they are, they're still human.

    As for 256, the hopeless romantic in me loved him in this chapter :P He admits, both openly to 3349 and to himself, that he loves Carey. He willing gives up his whole world, everything he's ever known, for a girl. He's even willing to die for her. He knew the risk he was taking by trying to save her and he did it regardless. Anyway, a great dramatic chapter! I'm going to have to spend the rest of the day worrying about 256 :P

    August 15, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Lol, at least when it’s a number they might just have thought you lost at the lottery or something :P

    I’m glad you felt some compassion for 3349 :P 256, 805 and even 440 are all oddballs, so she’s supposed to be like a representation of what ordinary Gifted are like. Even though she’s closed off and cold, she, like the rest of the Gifted really is just human underneath.

    As for 256, I think he really has been thinking about this for a while. Carey’s more like the trigger, but his views on the Gifted have been changing for quite some time.

    August 15, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 42 Reply

    I hate to say it but I cheered a little when Carey stabbed 3349. Although it would have been nice to see her get a chance at redemption after seeing her open up a little in the last chapter, that scene was quite satisfying so I don't even care :P I was also glad to see that Carey was able to do what she needed to do, especially since she's had trouble in the past when it comes to killing people. It was clearly a 'kill or be killed' moment and she did what she had to without fretting over it. Hopefully that makes her that much stronger in the future.

    It was also interesting that she had no trouble running or fighting while she was invisible. I'm going to assume either grief or downright rage just made her react on instinct. She wasn't focused on trying to move or fight, she just did it naturally. Maybe that's the key?

    Poor Thomas! I didn't expect him to lose his hand like that. I can't imagine what that's like, especially for someone like Thomas whose profession pretty much depended on his hands. I would assume that outcome will weigh pretty heavily on Sam and Janelle as well.

    As for 256, I'm really hoping he pulls through. I imagine he will, but who knows? I must say I liked Carey's reaction when she found him. It was quite emotional and believable. I do hope he'll be okay, but with only one chapter left somehow I feel I'll have to wait until I get to the sequel to get an answer. Anyway, overall a very good penultimate chapter. I can't believe there's only one left!   

    August 18, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    To be honest I had no idea Thomas was going to lose his hand until this chapter either. He was only going to lose a finger, but I just started writing and it happened… Heh heh.  And then I made him lose his left hand, but changed it to his right because it would have a bigger impact for him :P I’m such a cruel person.

    As for Carey, you’re right. Because she’s driven  by grief/rage, she’s not focussing so much on moving and getting it right, just relying on instinct like she would if she were visible. For her there’s no real trick to fighting while invisible, she just kind of has to get used to it and then she’ll be able to fight as she would if she were visible.

    August 19, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 43 Reply

    When I first set out to read this, I had a pretty clear idea of where I thought it would go. I assumed that by the end the Gifted would be overthrown, Janelle's rebellion would take power, Carey and 256 would fall in love, and a time of peace would come to the island. I'm very happy that none of those things happened :P The pacing is really one of my favorite things about this story. It's very realistic. The rebels have only just achieved their first victory over the Gifted, even if its just a minor one. There's still a long way for them to go.

    I think I mentioned early on that Janelle and Sam's part of the story starts off a little slow compared to Carey's. However, at that point I was still under the impression that by the end the Gifted would be defeated. Now that I've finished the story, I actually think it works really well. The storylines all built up and maintained a consistent and good pace right up to the end.

    Speaking of the ending, I've got to say it almost feels more like the beginning of something instead of the end. There's no real resolution to any of the storylines and this chapter really makes me what to keep reading straight into the sequel. I don't know how many sequels you have planned, but it feels as though this is something that could continue on and turn into a series. The story could go anywhere from here and I'm excited to get to the next story.

    As for the characters in this chapter, I really liked all of their reactions to the things that were happening. Janelle has become a remarkably good leader. I like that she's putting the good of her revolution ahead of her friend's opinions of her. She's looking at the big picture and thinking of 256 as a hostage and a potential gold mine of information should he survive (please, please survive...). I'm really proud of her, especially looking back at how far she's come since the beginning. She's not the same girl she was when it was just her and Sam hiding in the woods. She's a leader and if she asked me to join her rebellion, I'd follow her.

    I was hoping 805 would stick around, but I suspected he would leave. He's not going to suddenly become all paternal and start doting on his daughter (Not that Sam would be all that open to that at the moment anyway). Although, I'm not sure I believe him when he says he's going back to the Council. I suspect he's still going to try to find Michelle and that won't end well once he finds out she's dead. (She is dead, right? After I typed that I realized I honestly couldn't remember for sure if she was, but I'm pretty sure she is.)

    Carey's emotions were very well done. If 256 dies, I'm not sure how she'll handle it. She's a tough, feisty girl but she really cares about him. I liked her optimism that he would be okay. She was desperate and grasping at whatever good news she could. That's important, she needs to stay strong for him. I really hope she can.

    Overall, this was an excellent closing chapter. It's an ending, but also a beginning. It's not a happy chapter, nor are any of the characters looking hopefully towards the future, but seem resigned to the fact that this is where they are now; especially Janelle. I really loved her final line. 'We'll keep on fighting.' It's not hopeful, it's really the only thing they can do and a very fitting statement to end the story on.

    I must say that I've enjoyed this story from beginning to end. There's plenty of great action and intriguing mysteries. The characters are all interesting find ways of being relatable despite the fantasy world they live in. The storyline is exciting and kept my attention all the way through. I don't really have any true negatives to point out. There are spelling and grammatical errors here and there, but everyone makes those so I usually don't mention them at all.

    So, great work! I'm really excited to get to the sequel and see what happens next. By the way, if I'm ever unpacking boxes at the bookstore I work at and find a copy of this, I'm mailing it to you to have it signed :P

     

     

    August 21, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Thanks for reading this story :D I’m glad it was enjoyable. And I’m really glad that you liked the last line :P It’s something I decided on when I was only halfway through writing this story, so I’m glad it’s effective and fitting. I wanted it to end with the three main characters together properly for the first time (even if 256 is on the verge of death), seeing as they were all separate at the beginning. I wanted to end on the idea that even though they’ve faced so many hardships already and passed this hurdle, the fight is far from over.

    Anyway, at the moment I’m thinking this series will be at least three books. But, it could easily be longer than that, depending on how things go. I even know what the title of the last one (if the third ends up being the last one) will be even though I’m only a few chapters into the second one so far :P

    And yes, Michelle is dead. I considered changing it to make her alive (because I felt so mean lol) but then I decided it makes much more sense story wise if she’s dead. It would have been interesting if 805 had stayed with them, but… He really needed to go for plot reasons :P

    August 21, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 1 Reply

    There's one point where you seemed to have gone from Carey's POV, to Wesley's, when he was noticing her eyes, so much like his own; since the first part of the chapter is from Carey's POV, it's safe to assume she wouldn't know what Wes was taking notice of. Just a little tip.

    The pacing also seems a bit off, like things are being dealt with too quickly, such as the dialogue between Carey and her brother, and the dialogue between Janelle and Samantha.

    Overall though, I think the premise behind your story is interesting, and holds a good deal of promise. :) I'm curious to see how things pan out for Carey's youngest brother, and to see how Janelle's quest for revenge turns out.

    October 29, 2014 | Shannon Rohrer


  • Chapter: 2 Reply

    At the start of the chapter when you put, "She and Samantha", it's probably best to put, "Janelle and Samantha", since it is the opening sentence of the chapter (and to prevent readers from being confused, if they weren't able to read the chapters back-to-back.)

    The pacing is still a bit off in this chapter, a little too quick at certain points; the environment could do with a little more detail, but both of these are pretty minor fixes, so it shouldn't pose too much of a problem.

    My intention isn't to discourage you, so I hope I haven't been; I'm just trying to help, if I can. Otherwise, I really do like the concept of this story, and I'm eager to start the next chapter, and see just what is happening to Carey. :)

     

    October 29, 2014 | Shannon Rohrer


  • Reply

    Thanks so much for the comments! And you don’t have to worry about discouraging me. I’m a big girl, I can take it :P Thanks for pointing out those things. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the story :) I'll try and read a story of yours in return, although i have exams right now so it probably won't be for at least a week.

    October 30, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Reply

    That's good to hear; it sounds like you have more maturity than some older writers do, in that case. Some don't take well to critique. ^^;

    You'll definitely hear more from me, and no worries; if you read my story, great! If you're unable to, I understand. :) Life is busy all around, lol.

    Take care!

    -Shannon-

    October 30, 2014 | Shannon Rohrer


  • Chapter: 3 Reply

    Okay, so managed to find some time to continue with this (thankfully!)

    I didn't come across any errors, and the writing was pretty clean and fluid, as far as i can see. :)

    I'm with Samantha--I don't trust the inn-keep one iota. Something tells me she knew they were the girls from the mountain; though whether she has good or bad intentions, I can't say. She could be testing them, for all I know, lol. I'll just have to keep reading, in order to see.

    Likewise, the latter half of the chapter was also interesting. To think, Carey avoided being taken all that time--but then again, nothing had manifested before then. I wonder why it came about, now of all times? I like how you made a point to show that Carey had expected the Assessor to look quite different, probably a look befitting his station, and how he was quite different from what she'd imagined. On that note, I have a feeling it's not just as simple as bad guys and good guys; I get the feeling the Assessor is no happier about his role than anyone else is. I'm eager to see what follows.

    November 13, 2014 | Shannon Rohrer


  • Chapter: 4 Reply

    Some parts didn't flow as seamlessly in this chapter, or certain words were present where others would have been better suited, but overall, the chapter was well done. :)

    I had a feeling 256 wouldn't be as bad a guy as Carey assumed; of course, he assumes that the Gifted are better than everyone else, but having been brought up to think that way, it's not difficult to see why. That kind of thinking will take time to change, if it ever does.

    I figure we also have a similar writing style, or think along similar lines. ^^; I came across a few things that reminded me of the events in my own story; mostly in the characters' mannerisms, thought process, etc. Funny how that happens, sometimes. :)

    Beautiful work on detailing the environment; I particularly liked the Council chamber, as I could see it perfectly; the distinction between their clothing was also nicely done.

    I understand Carey's resistance, but at the same time, I feel her reaction to the Leader was kind of...juvenile. Which of course might be intended on your part, entirely. I just figured, what with her being eighteen, she would have done something more witty. But pay me no mind, lol. ^^; I'm just speculating, is all.

    Anyway, good chapter. I'll read more, as soon as I can.

    November 13, 2014 | Shannon Rohrer


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comments! I’m glad you found these chapters interesting ^^ I’m also really happy you liked my descriptions, as they definitely aren’t my strong point.

     Haha, Carey’s resistance was pretty juvenile. I know plenty of eighteen year olds who are more childish than that though xD  I think maturity really does depend on the person, to be honest :P

    Thanks again! :D

    November 13, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Reply

    You're very welcome! ^^

    Ha, very true; age seldom indicates maturity level, and if I had to guess, Carey's had a rather sheltered life, so she likely isn't mentally or emotionally where other, more experienced eighteen-year-olds would be. :P

    I look forward to reading more. :)

    November 14, 2014 | Shannon Rohrer


  • Chapter: 1 Reply

    Chapter 1

     
    A wonderful start. I'm loving this story. It's dark and I don't like how the Gifted just still people from their homes because they're different...that's wrong and I do hope they're overthrown!

    November 13, 2014 | Stacey Luster


  • Reply

    Thanks for reading, I hope you continue to enjoy the story. If you'd like, I can read one of your stories in return. Let me know which one you'd like! :)

    November 13, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 19 Reply

    Hey, I finally got around to reading those chapters. It was nice to go back and relive this part of the story again and see how far these characters have come. It also reminded me just how bad my long-term memory is :P So, if I talk about anything that wasn't changed but was in there the first time I read it, well... sorry xD I just means my memory sucks, but I liked it enough to mention it.

    Anyway, starting with chapter 17, I don't remember Janelle having that dream the first time around and I didn't mention it in my original comment, so I thought I'd talk about that. It's a good addition because it serves to show just how much the failure at the Lake Village and losing her people broke her. Her thoughts about how Amy might hate her for her failure was really sad. Her conversation with Marvin seemed longer and more in depth as well and I liked the way he made her question who else among them would take over if she stepped down. I know none of that was what you asked me to read these for, but still :P One thing I did notice was at the beginning of that part during Janelle's dream it says 'It had been over a week since their failed rebellion, and she had not left this bed since' and then after she wakes up you sort of repeat yourself by saying 'It had been a week since their fight at the Lake Village, but she had not left this room since'. It seemed redundant to have that mentioned twice.     

    With chapter 18, I really enjoyed the changes to Carey and Sam's... er, I mean Amber and Michelle's (I never noticed Sam's choice of that name before :P) conversation. It was interesting to read it with the knowledge of what comes next and knowing what Sam's story is really about. The reference to Sam's dagger was new as well, was it not? I liked the changes to the ending as well. I think it was a good call to change that like you did. I liked the original too, but giving that little hint with Carey thinking that Sam was lying was a nice touch.

    But enough with my rambling, I should get to what you actually asked me about :P I think you did a really good job making it feel much more believable in regards to the way the rebels react to Carey. Janelle and Sam make some good statements and observations about Carey now and how she's clearly not a normal Gifted person. Lol 'She’s obviously far less intelligent than the rest of them too' Sam's got some really zippy one-liners, doesn't she xD But yeah, it's way more believable now I think. If I were reading it for the first time, I wouldn't have any issue with their reactions at all. Even by the end they still don't seem to completely trust her. Janelle is still wondering if she can trust what Carey's told them so far.

    Anyway, if you have any questions, want me to give my thoughts on something I didn't, or want me to read more chapter please don't hesitate to ask :)

    December 3, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Reply

    Thanks so much for commenting!!! :D :D :D I’m really glad it was more believable. I tried to make it more subtle and explain more, so I’m glad it worked. I’m also glad you liked the dream (yes, it was new :P). It was something I didn’t even plan to put in, I was just rewriting the chapter and then it happened xD

    Lol, so far nobody has noticed her using that name xD I’m not sure if you remember this but once in one of my comments on your story I mentioned I’d done something similar to you mentioning Snow’s name in a subtle way, this is what I was referring to, although it’s far less subtle :P I figured when coming up with fake names on the spot, people tend to use names of people they know, and  Sam’s not going to use any of the other rebel’s names, so her name is the other choice she had. Carey actually uses her mother’s name as well, although that hasn’t been mentioned otherwise xD

     There actually was a reference to her knife in the original, but it was much more subtle (she asked to borrow Janelle’s knife, even though Janelle notes she’s already got one). But since she doesn’t talk to Janelle first anymore, I had to change it so she uses her own knife.

    And thanks for pointing out that repetition. I don’t know what happened there :P

    December 4, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Reply

    So that's what you meant by that. Yeah, I remember you saying that and I was on the lookout for it for a while, but it eventually slipped my mind :P I never picked up on that one. It's interesting that they both chose to use their mother's names in the same conversation xD

    Oh, yeah. I actually do remember Sam asking Janelle to use her knife. I'd forgotten about that. That's what happens when I try to do stuff like this at 1am :P My crazy schedule this week has forced me to do things at extremely odd hours that I really shouldn't be doing xD

    December 4, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


  • Chapter: 5 Reply

    This was a good build-up chapter: the doctor seems very pleasant, and I agree with his hesitancy to aid them; if I'd seen many others fail before because I encouraged them to undertake a dangerous task such as that, I'd feel the same way.

    The girls seems to be growing as characters, too. Samantha is very blunt, but that's a good thing--it means she's less likely to lie about her intentions. She may be harsh (even without meaning to be), but she sounds loyal enough. :) It should be particularly interesting to see Janelle's character growth, since she's nowhere near as self-assured as her companion.

     

    Critique:

    The doctor nodded, rootling through a small drawer. (If I had to guess, you were caught between "rooting" and "rattling", there).

    "Well, she was more than a sister to me. My mother died in childbirth, and my father died shortly after her that..." (It looks as though you wanted to phrase it, "died shortly after her" or "shortly after that", but once again, both came out). ^^;

     

    I'm curious as to how the girls "know" the doctor is up to something; nothing about his mannerisms seemed outwardly suspicious, so I'm curious as to how they came to that conclusion. I also think the story would benefit with a bit more detail in regards to the environment--what does it look, smell, and feel like? Just some helpful tips, nothing more. :)

    December 11, 2014 | Shannon Rohrer


  • Reply

    Thanks for commenting! I’m glad that the characters are interesting :)


    Lol, rootling is a word xD It means something similar to rummaging. It’s probably an Australian term or something, that’s happened to me a few times :P Anyway, thanks for the critique! :D

    December 12, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Reply

    Oh! Lol, I figured that's what he was doing (rummaging) I'd just never heard the term "rootling", before. Sorry, my bad. xD

     

    And no trouble at all! ^^

    December 12, 2014 | Shannon Rohrer


  • Chapter: 6 Reply

    Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to reading this.

    Hmm...Carey seems to be restraining herself better, now. I suppose it's just as well, since opposing them outright is out of the question.

    I already had a feeling 256 wasn't so bad--really just another victim, when you look at it.

    Anyway, I liked this chapter; it was very insightful. I wonder how this will play out?

    January 4, 2015 | Shannon Rohrer


  • Reply

    Thanks so much for the comment! There’s no need to apologize – I’m the one who hasn’t commented on your story for so long :( Sorry, I’m very forgetful >.< I should have some time over the next few days so I’ll do my best to get to it.

    Anyway, so far it seems that you’re thinking about things the way I want people too, particularly about 256 :)

    January 4, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Reply

    Hey, no worries. ^^ Take as much time as you need to.

    I'm glad I'm on the right track with 256, and you're welcome. ^^ I'll be sure to read more, soon.

    January 4, 2015 | Shannon Rohrer


  • Chapter: 7 Reply

    I'm trying to remember if you ever mentioned what Gift the Leader has, or not. Judging from what she did to Carey, I'd have to guess Air? I could be way off-base, of course, since there are other gifts outside of elemental. ^^;

    I thought the Leader was being too pleasant with her beforehand--good to know there was a reason. I definitely like 256, even if he is quite meek. I see the potential for growth with him, just as surely as I see it for Carey, and for your other protagonist, Janelle.

    I'm kind of wondering the same as Janelle--whether they'll wind up having to kill the doctor at some point. I don't believe he's a bad person, even if he is concealing something from them--but it's also possible for good people to do bad things, so I'm kind of going back and forth, trying to decide what I think of him.

    Anyway, this was a good chapter. :)

     

    January 4, 2015 | Shannon Rohrer


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comment! The Leader’s Gift has not been mentioned so far, but it would appear that she has an Air one :P

    January 4, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 1 Reply

    I am very intrigued by this story so far! I love seeing it from the two different character's point of view (Janelle and what's her name) and two different locations. Gives a little bit of mystery without being too overbearing. I really only noticed a couple of technical issues. Like when Janelle is being followed by the Gifted person, and she's thinking how annoying he is, but it doesn't matter because she really is going home--that whole thing is just unnecessary, I'd cut all of it out. It leaves a little more mystery and intrigue to just have her say she's going home and have her go to this place. Also, I hate the names Janelle, Samantha, and Lindsay (girl or boy), but that is just my opinion >.< Great work! I will keep reading and commenting :) 

    January 19, 2015 | Catherine Rose Hillin


  • Reply

    Thanks so much for the comment! Sorry, I like those names so they're staying ;) Thanks for the advice, that part has troubled me a bit so I'm happy to hear your opinion. And no worries about taking a while, I've been away all week without internet access anyway. I'll definitely be getting back to your story soon! :)

    January 23, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 8 Reply

    Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to this. ^^;

    I really feel for Carey, being stuck in an unfamiliar, unfriendly place; likewise when it comes to having dreams like that. They're some of the hardest ones to shake off.

    Janelle's frustration with the mission she and Sam started is understandable; when nothing goes the way you want it to, no matter how hard you try, it's all too easy to become discouraged. I'm glad she was able to come to a conclusion though, one that hopefully will work in their favour. :) Gotta start somewhere, right?

    256's belief that parents eventually grow to appreciate the fact that their children are taken away really shows how deep the Gifted's conditioning really goes. That is some top-notch brainwashing they've done there--or is that the eldest Gifted really believe it? I can see that being the case too, but I highly doubt that they're right. :P

    I think, between what he "knows" from the Gifted, and what he learns from Carey, 256 has a great deal of character growth on the horizon. He's already beginning to question things that I'm willing to bet he's never considered, before. The Gifted (the head honchos, at any rate) really are horrible for putting the children and their families through this. I'm interested to see how the story progresses, and whether the fates of 256, Carey, Janelle, and Sam are intertwined...and what part Marvin truly plays.

     

     

    April 14, 2015 | Shannon Rohrer


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comment! And no worries, it's not like I've been consistent with my comments. I'll try to get to your story again soon, but I've got a lot of schoolwork at the moment so I'm not sure when I'll be able to read more >.< Anyway, Carey’s definitely not in a good position :/ I’m glad her feelings are coming through. And Janelle’s frustration as well. She definitely expected her mission to be easier than it’s turning out to be :P

    I’m glad that 256’s development is beginning to be clear as well. He’s probably the character that undergoes the most change in the first part of the story, so I’m glad if that’s coming through. The Gifted are very isolated and are only shown one way of life, so for him Carey is like this exotic person with all these new ideas and because of that she fascinates him xD

    April 16, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 9 Reply

    I decided to keep on going, like you said. After all, I'm bound to read the story again in the future (you know, once I've caught up on the backlog of stories I still need to finish, here). ^^; Anyway, onto the commentary.

    Some parts felt a tad repetitive; you mentioned a number of times that the inn's patrons were immersed in their own conversations, not paying attention, talking and laughing. These phrases in particular are the same ones that kept coming up. Certain bits of dialogue felt rushed and awkward as well; kind of like they were telling (not of the plan, but on an emotional scale) more than they should have been--especially when it could have been shown, instead. Since you're currently in the midst of a rewrite though, I don't hold it against you; early drafts are seldom perfect (and I know I've got a lot of work to do on my own project, too).

    Hmm...I wonder why "Marvin" has so many aliases? I'm sure he has a good reason for it (especially if he's had trouble with the Gifted in the past).

    So now Janelle has been thrown into the role of leader; I wonder how she'll make out? Probably a lot better, once some of that self-doubt ebbs away. 

    I look forward to seeing how the training of the new recruits goes, and how Samantha's mission pans out--and of course, how things turn out on the Gifted's side of the story.

     

    April 30, 2015 | Shannon Rohrer


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comment! Sorry for the bad quality >.< I was reading over these chapters the other day and I’m really not sure what I was thinking when I wrote them. Oh well, that’s what editing is for xD Anyway, it won’t be long before you find out some information about Marvin.

    April 30, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Reply

    It's okay, you don't have to apologize. ^^; None of us are perfect; all that matters is that you learn from the mistakes, and continue to grow as a writer. :) It's really not bad quality at all. Think of it as a precious gemstone; even in its raw state, it can be quite beautiful. It just needs a little polishing to bring out its inner shine, that's all. ^.^

    Ooh, I'll definitely have to dive back in tomorrow then, and see what happens. :) I've wondered so many times whether he can be trusted or not, so hopefully whatever I find out will help me decide. xD

    Best of luck with the continued edits; like I said, I'll be sure to read through it again once you're done. ^^

    April 30, 2015 | Shannon Rohrer


  • Chapter: 10 Reply

    Sounds like Carey is getting quicker on the draw--with her power, at least. :P I feel sorry for 256, but Carey made a good point--not unlike what 256 made before, too. You can't just rely on your powers; you require skill too, and when up against the enemy, they won't go easy on you. I guess they're both learning from one another. ;)

    Hmm...I'm curious as to what 256 did in the past to defy the Leader? I don't think it was something you've shown in the story yet, so it'll be interesting to learn more about him and his past.

    There were a couple of times (throughout that first scene) where you put "he" or "him" in reference to the Leader. Just thought I'd let you know. ^^;

    I suspect she wants one of two things: 1) To be rid of Carey, because she knows she's a wild card, or 2) She hopes the mission will break her, make her more docile and less of a threat (being a rare talent that she is). I can see why 256 assumed the first; I thought it, too. I guess I'll see how it plays out. :)

    When James said he had a life outside of training, you omitted a quotation mark (you know, when he's blocking Janelle on the stairs).

    It's good to see you releasing a little bit of Janelle's past, here and there. Just enough to catch the reader's interest, but not so much that it overwhelms them.

    Overall, it was a pretty good chapter. :)

     

    May 2, 2015 | Shannon Rohrer


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comment! Haha, they definitely have a lot to learn from each other. Kind of like the Gifted and the nonGifted, I suppose ;)

    Oops. The Leader was originally a man, but I ran into some issues later on with too many male characters so I decided to change her gender. Anyway, if you see any more he’s and him’s I’d be very grateful if you pointed them out :P

    Anyway,  256 definitely has a few secrets from his past that haven’t been revealed yet. So does Janelle, actually :3

    May 2, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 11 Reply

    Sorry (again) for the long absence. I actually had to skim over last chapter to remember what was happening. ^^; I endeavour to stick to a more regular reading schedule with this one until I'm done. (Fingers crossed I manage).

    I digress: Really liked how the first scene played out, though it did feel a bit repetitive toward the end--when Carey is thinking about how she has nowhere to go. I think it was three paragraphs in a row that essentially said the same thing, there. ^^; That aside, you set the tone really well.

    As to the second scene, you might want to comb through the earlier part of it for the odd typo or tense confusion. ^^; There weren't too many--maybe two or three at most that I saw--so hopefully it won't give you too much trouble.

    I actually kind of like seeing how things are changing, how Janelle in particular is shaping up. It was also good to learn some of Marvin's past; it gave a clearer perception of whether he can be trusted, or not. I vote for trusting him, by the way. ;)

    Looking forward to seeing how things turn out--both for Carey now that she's taken off on 256, how 256 will take her doing this, and how things will pan out between Janelle and Samantha.

    Not to mention all of the recruits. ^^;

     

    September 25, 2015 | Shannon Rohrer


  • Chapter: 12 Reply

    Ah, my bad. Carey stayed with 256. Clearly I wasn't paying enough attention, there. You even said she followed her tracks back through the snow. That should have tipped me off. Sorry. ^^;

    Anyway, this is definitely an interesting chapter, bringing up a whole bunch of interesting questions. I wonder what 256's history with 440 is? It sounds like something terrible must have happened (I have my suspicions it has to do with 256's powers, but I can't tell for sure). I think there might have been a few typos or word omissions, but I can't remember where they are, exactly.

    The chapter was enjoyable otherwise, and I look forward to finding out more. :)

    September 25, 2015 | Shannon Rohrer


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comments! Don’t worry, you’re not the first who thought she left him permantently at the end of the last chapter ^^; I really do need to make that more obvious. Thanks for pointing out the repetition and stuff too. Honestly I think I’ll just end up rewriting these early chapters (again, because I already rewrote them once but I rushed it very badly xD) eventually. So I apologize for the bad quality. I think (well, I hope) the writing gets better around chapter 17/18.

    September 27, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Reply

    It's okay! ^^ I don't think your writing is terrible at all. We're all still learning, right? I bet it'll be amazing by the next draft. :)

    I'll definitely be reading more of it today, so no worries. (Been managing my time a bit better, so catching up on all the stories I started reading here should go more smoothly).

     

    September 27, 2015 | Shannon Rohrer


  • Chapter: 1 Reply

    Overall it is a very intriguing chapter. It reminds of the Hunger Games for some reason with the worrying and mysterious 'Gifted'. There's a definite sense of fear you have crafted and it responds well with a reader (me). 

    I like how you have divided up the chapter from two different perspectives, it's a nice change and keeps readers on their toes. My only critique would be to make the change from one perspective to another more definitive and clear. 

    I'm already nervous for Lindsay,like yikes. You build upon that sense of worry well, though it can be built upon to make it almost a suffocating paranoia and Carey's denial all the more intense. A lot of questions about the Gifted and how they choose others is quite intriguing for a first chapter.

    Janelle is interesting, her circumstance is interesting and I'm really curious to know how it develops for her, so I will keep reading. I enjoy revenge/rebellion plots. Her relationship with Samantha is also curious  "Partners, definitely... we both have the same goal, but are we friends? It's so hard to tell with Samantha."

    Things that can worked upon is creating the atmosphere and a greater of being submerged fully in the stories and characters. I'm sure you'll prove me wrong in later chapters though. Also, dialog is sometimes difficult to follow and because of the lack of detail, it makes tricky to understand the tone of some conversations. 

    Hope this helps!! 

    December 31, 2015 | deactivated account


  • Reply

    Thanks for commenting! :) I’m glad the story is intriguing so far. Haha, quite a lot of people have compared this story to The Hunger Games, at first, anyway xD Thanks for the feedback. It’s very helpful :) 

    January 2, 2016 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 2 Reply

    (sorry for not getting back to you, I was away for a few days :L) This chapter was very gripping, it sets the atmosphere for the next one very effectively. I wonder what Janelle and Samantha will find now that they're free? I hope Carey and Wesley decide to go and they all meet up, that would be cool. It feels as though this is meant to happen.

    I always ask questions cause I am really curious :L Was the old lady telling the truth? Does Janelle have a crush on Samantha's older brother? Why has she forgotten his name? Is this the last we shall see of them both? This is what makes me want to keep reading and you craft this sense of mystery, apprehension and anxiousness very well! 

    I'm happy to read that there was some development on the Gifts and the Gifted. The mention of the Gift of Water and the old lady's stories of poisoned air and flames and then Carey just materializes places. I have so many questions! How and why didn't the gifted spot this? Does this mean Lindsay is safe? Carey will have to break out now! For a second chapter, things are really interesting and I only want to keep reading! 

    My only criticism would be content; descriptions of people and places to be more detailed and creating a greater sense of atmosphere. I didn't connect with Carey's fear when she was being attacked or feel the emptiness of the dark village. Build suspense, the use of the wind blowing did this, but Carey's anecdote of her father telling her the "monsters are only in her head" killed this sense of fear and suspense. And then, out of nowhere BAM knife at her neck.

    That would be my only critique. Overall, a very enticing second chapter and I can't wait to read the next :D

    January 4, 2016 | deactivated account


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comment! I’m glad the story is interesting enough for you to have so many questions :) I can’t answer most of them, cos spoilers, but I will say that the old lady Carey mentioned is telling the truth :P As for my descriptions, yeah they definitely aren’t my strong point X.X Although, the lack of detail is partially due to the fact that part of the island’s culture is that they lack extravagance and favour practicality, hence the setting is rather mundane compared to most fantasy stories so there often isn't a lot to say about it. Thanks for the feedback on that scene, too. I’ll try to make it more suspenseful :)

    January 6, 2016 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 3 Reply

    Hey, sorry for not getting back to you but I really  wanted to get chapter 22 finished :L that's done now so I was able to reread this and give a proper review. 

    Again, overall, your chapters are excellent. You craft characters very well and portray their thoughts well. I like how Samantha is an enigma to Janelle, I want to know her motives and reasoning. I really enjoyed Janelle's perspective, especially the strange woman Rosa. I was automatically suspicious of her, she seemed to eager and... weird? It bordered on physical when she insisted 'aggressively'. She must know more than she's letting on and the letter? How does she know of the girl's motives? Is she friend or foe? This was my favourite bit of the chapter for me, definitely, well done! :D

    Carey's perspective I enjoyed because it gave more information about the Gifted but it leaves a lot of questions. Do 'gifts' manifest at random points or are they just a genetic feature? If they're the latter, how come Carey wasn't caught before when her other siblings were being assessed? Are there others like her? Is there a secret army of gifted fighting the gifted in the woods? So many questions, which I like because I want them answered. 

    The only critique I have is descriptions, to feel that sense of submersion within the story (which is very original and has great characters). Also evoking a greater sense of fear and suspense with the Assessor scene and the build up to it. Small details like the day went by so slowly for Carey or really quickly because of her nerves really make it seem more 'real'.

    Overall excellent chapter and I'm very curious as to how these stories will progress or overlap and intertwine. Yay! :D

    January 7, 2016 | deactivated account


  • Reply

    Thanks for the feedback! I really enjoyed writing about Rosa haha. She’s a very perceptive woman xD Anyway, Gifts are not genetically inherited. There is no more chance of a Gifted person having a Gifted child than a nonGifted person, which is common knowledge on the island. They are (usually) present at birth, or rather, the Gifted can use their sensing abilities to sense that a child will be Gifted in the future because their actual powers don’t manifest until they’re 5-7 years old normally. 

    January 8, 2016 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 4 Reply

    There is so much in this chapter omg??? I loved it, personally. I'm imagining the Council as a very futuristic but everything is controlled by magic sort of place, like final fantasy or something. It v original. I still can't shake the Hunger Games vibe of fear and submission, but that only makes the story more compelling for me. 

    256 seems meak. He seems beaten and lost. I'm not gonna lie, he seems to be at a crossroads stuck between deciding to go for his conscience or the way of the Council. This indecisiveness in him makes me dislike him :L sorry. 

    I was slightly confused at the start in regards to who was speaking. It just started, but I got the swing of it eventually. Some paragraphs where difficult to read with the constant repeating of 256 instead of a name, it got quiet confusing. That would be my only problem. The use of numbers and titles rather than names makes me struggle to connect with the character and creates a sense of dehumanisation. Which is maybe what you were going for? If so, good job :L 

    I'm glad we got to see more of the Gifted and their elitist ways. The Leader seems to be cold and detached it makes her seem really intimidating. I like that. I'm intrigued as to what the hierarchy is. Is it a monarchy? Are they democratically voted? Is it a dictatorship? Are those with the Gift of Air higher than those with the Gift of Fire? If so. who has the best gift then? Do the Servants have powers? If so, why are they servants? Can one work there way up to be on the council? From servant to assessor to council member? I'm so curious about the world. Though now I fear for Carey, like zoinks. 

    Overall, another enticing chapter, well done!! 

    January 13, 2016 | deactivated account


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comment! 256 is a very conflicted individual. He wants to do his duty, be the best Gifted soldier he can be, but he struggles to live up to that ideal because he really doesn’t have the right sort of personality for it. Anyway, his confliction and indecisiveness is pretty much the main point of his character (in this book, anyway), so yeah xD If you don’t like him there’s not much I can do :P I don’t mind though.

    As for the numbers thing, yes it is supposed to be dehumanising. It reflects the Gifted’s preference for conformity and practicality, since having their citizens designated by numbers rather than names avoids repetition which makes it a lot easier in terms of record keeping, especially since none of the islanders have surnames. Also, by shedding the names given to them at birth, they shed their first family and become one of the Gifted, which is important too. Thanks again!

    January 14, 2016 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 5 Reply

    Janelle and Samantha are my favourites. I really liked this chapter as well, the descriptions at the start were really good and I could picture the lake and the city quite clearly.

    Though I got slightly confused cause you say '...they stood outside the door to the doctor's house. It was a large well-kept looking building,' then you go on to say 'they at last found themselves at the doorstep of a fairly shabby-looking home.' 

    Another issue I had was how Samantha got Mervin to agree to help them. I mean, if Mervin had saw all these men and women with past ambitions to over a millennia old regime and doesn't want to see more lives wasted, he wouldn't want to see two young girls die. And yet all it took was for Samantha to be all mysterious and vouch for Janelle to convince him. It seems pretty unrealistic. A suggestion would be to have Samantha lie about some sob story and how she doesn't want any mother to feel how she did idk :L 

    I really enjoyed reading Samantha's exchange with Janelle on being average but special. It was sweet. It felt quite genuine and made Samantha more 'human' if that makes sense? It showed a vulnerable side to her, and it responds well. I also like to think Janelle has a slight crush on Samantha, she comments on how beautiful she is often. 

    Overall, it was another excellent chapter, aside from some small issues, I really enjoyed reading it and seeing a more soft side to Samantha :) 

    January 13, 2016 | deactivated account


  • Reply

    Most people say they like Carey and 256’s story better than Janelle and Samantha’s at the beginning, so I’m glad that someone else feels the other way around :) Admittedly, their story is a lot slower than Carey and 256’s at the start, but I’ve edited it a lot to try and remedy that, and I’m glad it seems to have worked so some extent. As for that mess up with the house, I’m not really sure how that happened xD I was editing the introduction of this chapter to add to the description, but I must have left the original line (about it being well-kept – it’s supposed to be shabby) there by mistake :P Oops. I’ll fix it, thanks.

    As for Marvin agreeing to quickly, yeah I agree :/ I wrote this a long time ago and I think I meant for it to be something like he’d seen some sort of “quality” in them that convinced him to help, but reading over it seems a very wishy-washy reason to me now xD I’ll change that around too at some point. Anyway, thanks for the comment!

    January 14, 2016 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 6 Reply

    I liked this chapter again, there seemed to be some feeling of warmth between 256 and Carey. He seems so wore down by the Council and quite broken? I feel quite sad for him. I really like Carey cause she is just so defiant. 

    The leader is the head bitch in charge and I respect that. She really makes her council members cower, there's something about her that is so compelling. I wonder how powerful she is? 

    The trial seemed... off to me. It seemed unrealistic that the Council was just able to drop everything and begin a trial. Maybe it's because this is such a rare instance? That's most likely it. Also, why the Leader took an interest in her? Is this all because Carey's an anomaly? Did her Gift of Stealth allow her to hide from the assessor when she was born? Surely there were others who could have hid from the Council and then been caught? 

    Description of things could be improved, just to feel more immersed in the story. 

    I like how this chapter ended. There was something harrowing about it. I feel as though 256 has tried to get out before? Or voiced certain opinions of freedom that caused him to be punished and that's why he is so crestfallen. Overall, another interesting chapter and I want to know how their stories progress :L 

    January 13, 2016 | deactivated account


  • Reply

    You’re right about why they dropped everything to begin the trial – Carey’s escape as a baby can mean two things. Firstly, that the Gifted who Assessed her as a child (as well as the rest of her siblings' Assessors) deliberately let her go free, in which case there's a traitor among the Gifted. Secondly, it could mean that Carey’s Gift somehow appeared after birth or it did exist but was hidden, which is something the Gifted have never been aware of before. That’s why the Leader and the Council are so interested to find out what happened.

    As for the Leader herself, she remains mostly a mystery for this book. She has a small role but overall her impact isn’t fully felt until later on, and information about why she was chosen as Leader, the full extent of her power, etc, won’t be revealed for some time. Her Gift is revealed in the next chapter, though. Thanks so much for all the comments! :) They’re very helpful.

    January 14, 2016 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 7 Reply

    Another excellent chapter! Your style here is fast paced and I love that. I wish I could do it cause it takes me 30 years to get to a point aha :L I like how we got to know more about 256's past and his demons with his mentor 913. It makes him seem more human and more relatable. I like him a little more than I did a few chapters ago :L he seems genuinely kind, though in the world of the Gifted seems to be a bad personality. I hope he stands up for himself :L 

    I still have this odd respect for the Leader. She's just so compelling and enrapturing, even though she seems like a bit of a psychopath choking Carey like that. Yikes. I do wonder how she just magically knew Carey's thought process? It seems a bit unrealistic that she just knew. Maybe it was a fear tactic to completely remove any thoughts in her heads of it? Idk maybe I'm just too perceptive. 

    Marvin is odd? Why was he annoyed that they killed the Gifted? I mean what did he expect :L? I'm glad the question of his reasoning behind overthrowing the Gifted has been addressed. I mean, no one likes living in an authoritarian, elitist dictatorship, but people have been content for a 1000 years. He seems so nonchalant about the whole thing. It makes me suspicious of him. Also why hasn't just told Janelle and Sam about the Gifted and their secrets? 

    A lot of questions that I want answered so I'll keep reading. I couldn't find much issue other than the detail of prose. Other than that, I really enjoyed reading it and will continue :) 

    January 16, 2016 | deactivated account


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comment! I’m glad the Leader is likeable in her own way :P If nothing else, she is the person in charge of a large group of individuals and manages to keep them for the most part in line, which is pretty deserving of respect. She’s very perceptive and Carey’s plan is a fairly obvious one and she changed her demeanour from angry and defiant in chapter 6 to compliant and interested to learn in this chapter very quickly, so the Leader does pick up on her plan rather easily. She’s not using magic :P As for Marvin, it was a bit stupid of him to tell them off for killing the two Gifted xD He’s not a fighter though, so he doesn’t always see clearly when it comes to that.

    January 17, 2016 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 8 Reply

    Hey, sorry for not getting back sooner, I've been slightly preoccupied :L but no worry. Before I begin, I want to know what time period this is set in? Whether it is past or future? Just out of curiosity. 

    I like how you showed Carey beginning to unravel slightly at being imprisoned by the gifted. It makes her ordeal more believable, and the nightmare she is having is quite graphic. Personally, if I kept dreaming my family was dead I would begin to lose hope, but I hope Carey doesn't go that way. I admire her spark. 

    Janelle made me laugh, she is so tactless. She is honestly about as subtle as a brick. She doesn't know or read people that well,but maybe she'll improve on that :L I also am really curious about the 'Sancturies' and what they are and who they harbour. There's mystery there.

    It was nice to see Samantha more animated. To see some passion in her, it makes her seem less glacial. It also makes me wonder her motivation for wanting to overthrow the Gifted. Maybe it has something to do with her sister? That revelation gave her substance and more depth as a character and I'm excited to see how she progresses. 

    256's confliction of loyalties is bothersome sometimes. One foot with the Gifted, the other with Carey; mind vs heart. This, though it makes me dislike him, makes him more believable as a character to have some inner turmoil. Surely he's not the only one who thinks like this? My only criticism on this section of the chapter was when he asked how the nonGifted react once their children have been taken. Carey only said about some people being sad in a field, which wouldn't be that moving. 256 is brainwashed, so he would have to hear something really gripping and quite tragic in order to brush off 18 years of propaganda. 

    Overall, another excellent chapter. I'm really beginning to get involved in this story now. My one note of advice would be, since there are four POVs, would be to make the distinction more obvious that ".......". That's just my opinion, disregard it if you wish :L 

    January 21, 2016 | deactivated account


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comment! Well, this story is set in an alternate universe, so it is in neither the past, present, nor future :P But, in terms of technology it’s set in the “past”, I suppose. The level of technology depends on where you live. The Gifted tend to have better technology, as well as the factory towns, while the farming villages and others have much less. Overall, the technology of the island doesn’t really correlate with a specific time period of Earth history, and there are various reasons why that’s the case, but it’s rather hard to say why without giving away spoilers, so I won’t say anything more on the matter xD

    There are only three POV characters in the story – Janelle, 256 and Carey. Samantha has no sister, that’s Janelle. Sorry for the confusion ^^; As for Samantha, her motivation for rebelling against the Gifted is something that’s not revealed for some time. Samantha is rather closed off when it comes to her secrets (for good reason) and because she doesn’t have POV it’ll be a while before her true motivation is revealed. 

    January 21, 2016 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 9 Reply

    I loved this chapter, it was so wholesome and sweet and had humour in it. A few times I got slightly confused towards the end, just with some pronouns between Janelle and Samantha, but other than that it was excellent.

    I also liked how things are beginning to develop for them (finally!) The few followers they have in this little tavern basement seems the perfect starting point for them. I liked how you conveyed Janelle's anxiety towards the situation, I could picture it perfectly in my head and her self doubt makes the situation more believable. 

    Rosa seems so driven and interesting, and also quite quirky. I'm still curious about Marvin and Rosa and their past. I like the mystery surrounding them. It was another captivating chapter, despite not a lot of action happening in it, it was like character development which I appreciate nonetheless :L (again sorry for not getting back to you x_x) 

    February 16, 2016 | deactivated account


  • Chapter: 10 Reply

    Another brilliant chapter! I liked this one because of the narrative hook it ends on; Carey going to the rebel base and Janelle's revelation that her being an orphan is her fault!! I mean let me breathe!

    Carey and 256 are awesome. I'm warming up to 256 more, he is genuinely worried for Carey's sake and that's nice to see. Carey seems to be getting on with him to. I'm really curious about him now, he is unlike most of the other Gifted and he constantly hints as some dire event that caused him to defy the Leader and the death of his trainer. I think that may be the cause of his nervous disposition? I'm really curious about him, he seems like a realistic character :) 

    My mouth legit fell open when the Leader told Carey and 256 to go on the mission to the Lake Village. I mean... what sort of tea is she serving? I want to know her intentions but I CAN'T! Does she want Carey dead? Does she want to see if she'd run away? She couldn't want her dead because her Gift is so rare or does she just want to see if an action setting will trigger its power? I guess I'll find out :L 

    (Again the only issue I have is the ******** as a point of changing POV, sometimes I don't notice it and Janelle is talking with the leader :L) 

    I really like Janelle's section as well. I am a sucker for personal character development. Her drive is admirable and I can commend it and its also v relatable for me cause I have a habit of hiding my feelings :L I just hope the stress of the situation and leadership doesn't have to hard a tole on her :L 

    February 16, 2016 | deactivated account


  • Reply

    Thanks for the comments! I’m glad Janelle is relatable. She’s dealt with a lot in her short lifetime and as a result she really lacks self-confidence. It’s a recurring problem for her throughout the story. I’m glad 256 is realistic, too. And he’s certainly got a few secrets, too xD And no worries about taking a while. It’s not like I’ve been all that punctual lately :/

    February 17, 2016 | Genevieve Middleton


  • Chapter: 1 Reply

    Wow... damn, I just read this whole story.I am genuinely in love with it.

    April 28, 2016 | Aaron Ledgers