Chris Ramirez: Teenage Crazy, a Comedy story | SparkaTale

Sparkatale

Chris Ramirez: Teenage Crazy

By: Kain Delo

Status: In Progress

Summary:

Chris is the average Filipino teenager living the American Dream with her Aunt Shelley in their suburban home. So of course, everything is normal. Well, except for the fact that her Home Economics teacher is a little muy loco and her fake baby daddy is driving her crazy with his bankable, messed-up life. But hey, that's crazy teenagers for you. Right ?

Created: May 23, 2014 | Updated: February 19, 2017

Genre : Comedy

Language : English

Reviews: 0 | Rating:

Comments: 37

Favorites: 2

Reads: 7859


Share this:

1: Updates 4985
2: Meet Chris 1673
3: Library Call 1483
4: Marvin Troupe 1652
5: Blood Orange Day 2024
6: Somewhat Attractive 1636
7: No Homo 1506
8: British Moondust 1704
9: Beardly Knocks 1658
10: Ovens 1747
11: Pizza is Bæ 1932
12: The Beaches 3670
13: Hail The Almighty Hedge! 2363
14: Mission: Carrie 2812
15: Mission: Carrie; The Retrieval 2388
16: The Karaoke King 3507
17: Drink n' Dye 2449
18: A Pouring Day 2768
Total Wordcount: 41957

Reviews (0)


    Comments / Critiques


      • Chapter: 2 Reply

        Sorry this is late, I've been a little busy. But I finally got the chance to comment! I really like your story. It's a bit random and silly but still believable. The interactions between characters is entertaining, and I like Chris. She seems sassy but still like a good person. So I'm going to start with the cons and then the pros, and then what I think about the story itself. Feel free to ask any questions if there's something I don't cover.

        I like the plot, if there's anything that you could improve on I think it's typos and being more descriptive. If you want me to tell you were the mistake are I don't mind, otherwise you could catch them when you do self-editing. There aren't a lot and they aren't really annoying, but little things like ending quotations in commas. Here's an example from the beginning:

        "I'm uhh... I'm errr... I'm... Chris Ramirez. The uhh... new student from A-As-Asia." I drawl out.

        It should be like, "I'm...Asia," I drawl out. =) There are a few other typos, but like I said it's no biggy.

        I know this is humor/comedy and it's more based on dialog/thoughts, but in case you were wondering it's not as detailed through the whole chapter. This means the five senses and stuff. I was confused on whether Gabrielle and Chris's aunt live in the Philippines or wherever Chris is now. Where is that, by the way? Who is Xlawsteu, and is he really a dog? I don't know, it might just be me - I get confused a lot =)

        Anyway, like I said, Chris's narration is silly but still realistic and relatable. The plot is well thought out, and it seems original to me. I like how you have short chapters, because then we readers can read it in little bits at a time and it's less overwhelming. The chapter was nice and easy to read. The humor isn't too crazy and doesn't get old.

        Ha ha, what's a baby alive? Like a live baby? One that's living and breathing? Something about that term made me laugh. I don't think I've ever heard someone say that before.

        I wonder how Chris is different, and what will make her stand out among the others. Hopefully she'll be good friends with Jason and Markus. It looks like they'll have some interesting adventures together. From the looks of it, anything can happen.

        That's about it for this chapter. I'll comment for the other chapters right now. Like I said, let me know if there's anything else you would like me to talk about, or if there's something I said that needs clarifying.

        May 25, 2014 | David Boyce


      • Reply

        One thing that shocks me the most is that you have never heard of a Baby Alive before. It's a famous toy from back in 2010 or something. It's interactive. You feed it "baby food" and change it's dirty diaper (Which actually does get dirty from the baby food.) 

        As for the poor descriptions, I would like to blame the fact that when I first started the story it was in April 2013 and I was still stuck in the "New to Writing and Confused" phase, which we all know produces "raw" works. The second chapter did not come out until October of that year, which I guess would be around the time I subsequently "improved" as my English teacher had said. I'll take note of the errors and correct them as I go along. 

        Which brings me to the next point. (I cringe at the first chapter, honestly. It somehow pains me to read it.) I guess at the time, I had no idea where I wanted the story to take place. It was between somewhere in Canada or the US. I think I wrote where it was in chapter three or four. Xlasteu is a dog Chris adopted before she moved in with her aunt. I assume he was the product of my former want to have another dog.

        Although I can't remember, I feel like I did want this story to go a certain direction at first but it seems lost in my head, forever roaming, never to be found. :3

        May 25, 2014 | Kain Delo


      • Chapter: 3 Reply

        Ha ha, I was wondering what you meant by a library call. Chris has some interesting friends. The characters and plot line are pretty original, and very enjoyable. The characters all have their different roles in the story, and are different from each other.

        I like how they make up different word and euphemistic phrases, like "oh my glob" and "holy shire." ItLog sounds like an itneresting language =) Just curious, if it's a mix of English, Italian, and Tagalog, where's the English in it's name? "It" from Italian and "Log" from Tagalog...ha ha.

        One statement I didn't get:

        "And, badum 're stuck with me whether you like it or not." Markus stated as the bell rang, signifying the start of the next class.

        Press the Ctrl and F keys at the same time and type the first few words into the box that comes up, and you'll see where that is. What do "badum" and "'re" mean?

        A little bit after that, I saw one of my pet peeves. That's the use of present-tense words like "this" (which I saw) and "now," "today," and "tonight." It seems slightly less fluent when there's present tense in a book that's written in the past tense.

        One thing I like is the way you convey the feelings and emotions of the characters. You're doing a good job of showing instead of telling, because I can tell what the relationships are between the characters without Chris having to tell me directly.

        I wonder what Brian's secret is, if it wasn't that he was playing at 11 p.m. on a school night. The people form Chris's past are starting to show themselves, and it's nice getting to know them.

        How did you think of all this? I'm not very far in the story and it's already a fairly intricate plot. Very detailed, and nicely written =)

        I'm going to end my comment here, and start on the comment for chapter three. I would be happy to answer any questions or add anything to these comments that you would like to see. 

         

        May 25, 2014 | David Boyce


      • Reply

        With ItLog, finding out where English fits is the mystery. ;) As for the Badum're thing, I corrected it. I guess it was from when I copied it from Microsoft word.

        As for thinking it all up, well, I would be lying if I said I planned everything thoroughly before writing anything and claimed that it was all purely fiction. Throughout the story, you will notice things from the real world and one of the greatest examples of that is Minecraft. The friends you read about during the skype call are based on real people I am friends with because of Minecraft. And that group conference thing at the library actually does often in my group.

        The plot is basically anything goes. Whatever I think of at the moment makes it into the cut. There is no pre-plotting, which I guess should be a no-no in writing. When I normally write a story, I think up the beginning and an end and fix in the details I want at the moment and that's it. XD

        May 25, 2014 | Kain Delo


      • Chapter: 4 Reply

        Ooh, a little bit of romance here. It was amusing when Chris said that everything was movie-esque, because she's part of a book, which is pretty much like a movie but just words instead of images and sounds. Speaking of books, does she like to read? She mentioned books a few times.

        Who does Chris look like? Someone from Markus's past? Was that part cut off, or is it supposed to be a mystery, like how her appearance changed?

        I thought I was going dyslexic when I mixed up Marvin and Markus. You used those two names in the same spot, and they look almost the same, so when you said Markus I read it as Marvin, and thought that Markus's name was changed to Marvin or something.

        What dialect do you use? American English, British English? I noticed that you said "criticise" which is British British spelling (American is "criticize") but you also wrote "realize" which is American (British spelling is "realise").

        I liked the part near the end, when Markus's sister and Chris's aunt blabbed to each other for so long. That's pretty realisic =) I wonder where their parents are.

        But my favorite parts were probably when Chris and Markus talked to each other. They're a little weird, but in a lovable way. It was funny how she let that one friend pour ammonia on the other person's wound. Also when she thought he teleported when he hid in the tree.

        That's all I have to say about this chapter, unless I've missed something. It's been a pleasure reading this story, and I'll be commenting on the next few chapters when they come out.

        May 25, 2014 | David Boyce


      • Reply

        Chris is a great big bookworm. (One of the few things I really want to incorporate into most of my main characters) As for who Chris looks like, you'll find out. I haven't really worked out that part of the story because that part of the story up until the part where they get to the school roof was written in November 2013 and the rest of it was written a few days before I published it. Ehehe. XD

        In terms of the dialect, I have no idea. I sometimes accidentally mix British English with American English because in my country there's no rule against it, seeing as it isn't a dominant language here. I'll try to correct those as soon as possible.

        I can't thank you enough for the criticism. It's refreshing to know I still have to work on a lot of things. At my school, the people who read my works never have anything negative to say to I really appreciate honest reviews. Thank you!

        May 25, 2014 | Kain Delo


      • Chapter: 5 Reply

        I'm glad that you found the comments helpful. I know how frustrating it is when people pretend that your story is perfect and doesn't have any errors, though this one is still pretty great. I noticed that chapters one and three have almost the exact same word count. Was that a coincidence or are you just really good with words? Anyway, here's your comment:

        I know it's because of your hiatuses, but there were several typos, and parts that I found confusing, though I'm understanding it a lot better know. I'm sure you can catch the typos, but one of the things I don't get is whether Gabrielle lives in the Philippines or the United States. I'm guessing that it takes place in the U.S. because she mentioned "America" and that usually means the U.S. Besides that, the confusion is only because of wording, like in the first paragraph. Also when you said, "He is the guy in this." and I didn't get whether she moved out of the biker's way because she said of course she did, but then she said that if she did she would have been run over by a car.

        There was one little inconsistency, when Chris had three minutes to get to the park, but then she went back in time and suddenly had four minutes =)

        I'm pretty sure you know the difference between American, and British English, but if you're a little confused here's a site I found: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_and_British_English_spelling_differences#-re.2C_-er

        Your writing style is good, but three typos I would just like to correct (sorry if you already know these) are that God is capitalized, it's ole or ol' not 'ole, and ellipses are written with spaces in between each dot and the words on either side.  

        I like how you pay attention on the little things, like how Will slapped Chris on the cheek that Markus didn't kiss. It really adds to the humor, also the things that people don't really think about, like saying hellishly cold.

        You also have an indirect way of explaining things, like Chris's appearance and what people think of her. I don't know how to explain it much better, but basically I think you're doing a good job of showing rather than telling.

        Everything's pretty well thought-out, for a story that doesn't have pre-plotting (ha ha, I do that too).

        So I'm getting the relationship between Chris and Will. They finally see each other, and it sounds like Chris wants them to be a thing, at least friends, or at least she did before she found out that Will had a girlfriend. Poor girl. And if Lurky tells people that Chris and Will were making out, that girl's probably going to dump Chris. Then Chris and Markus might not be friends again.

        Hey, would you mind looking at The Voices of Faie? It doesn't have to be full comments, I was wondering if the humor was too weak, and if so whether I should try making it funnier (suggestions are welcome), try a different style, or just call it a regular, non-humor book. But I only want you to read it if it interests you (it's fantasy). If you don't have the time that's also understandable. Either way I'll still be commenting on your story.

        May 26, 2014 | David Boyce


      • Reply

        The word count (I felt like doing the thing) was completely coincidental and I had no idea up until you pointed it out. What I normally do is just try to reach a certain number of words, depending on how many words were there in the previous chapter. I blame my ocd for that.

        When Chris said "He is the guy in this" she was referring to the cultural norm of men waiting for girls to arrive, which was why she decided to take her time in getting to the park. Whereas with the biker, I can see what you mean. It does seem confusing. I've already replaced it with "I pushed myself to the not street side of the sidewalk and hoped for the best."

        I checked the story again and isn't really an inconsistency with the time because the walk to the park is three minutes and she had four minutes to get there but I can see how you can get confused. XD

        With the capitalization, it isn't necessary to capitalize god because it's a noun. If Chris or any of the other characters were to directly address God then I would capitalize it. ._.

        As for reading The Voices of Faie, I'm already reading. c:

        May 26, 2014 | Kain Delo


      • Chapter: 2 Reply

        Overall, I think this was a good start. I like Chris, she reminds me of a lot of people I know haha. I think you did a good job at making the characters act their age. I laughed when that girl said like about three times in one sentence :P

        Anyway, I really like the comedy in this story. It seems very natural, not forced, which is nice. Personally I’m bad at comedy, so I admire you. I wonder what shenanigans Chris will get up to with the baby alive. I remember my sister had one of those once for school. It was very annoying :P I’m curious about this dude Chris’ friend was talking about. To be honest, I was a little confused about that. So this guy also moved to wherever Chris is now, and he used to live back in the Philippines where she lived? I think you should make that a little clearer.

        I don’t know how it is where you live, but in my country a teacher would never say “ass”. They could get in trouble for using language like that. I don’t know, maybe we’re just a very formal place ;)

        Also, “cannon” as in the fandom term is spelt with one “n” only.

        May 27, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


      • Reply

        I'm so sorry (about doing the thing at the beginning) about the canon thing! I assume I was sleepy when I wrote the first chapter back in 2013. XD I think most of your questions would be answered as we delve deeper into the world of Chris.

        About the 'ass' thing. I guess I could put the blame on the original story plot which was stereotypical characters in a stereotypical world with stereotypical scenes. I am unfortunately one of those people who really like going to stereotypical places, which would explain a lot. (I'm rambling, I'm sorry.)

        Wait. You think the comedy in this was natural? Thank you! ;") I have to admit that's a first because I normally have to "force" myself to be funny. That really means a lot. I hope you read on! Thank you for reviewing!

        May 27, 2014 | Kain Delo


      • Chapter: 6 Reply

        So it looks like Lurky won't tell people about her "making out" with Will, though it's going to be crazy if word gets out of her being with Markus. Wow, you can make so much happen in 1,631 words. This story is somewhat stress-relieving, and I really enjoy reading it.

        The mistakes were mostly the same as the previous chapters, such as how you write tags ("Hello," he said not "Hello." He said). I forgot to mention (forgive me, master) that you tend to mix the present and past tenses. I don't really mind it that much, but it makes the story slightly less fluent.

        They went to the tree to hide, right? It was a bit hard to tell, because the just climbed up something, and he said they have different hiding spots in chapter three. Oh, speaking of chapter three, that message is still there at the end, if you want to remove it.

        I'm still a little curious about some of the characters and how they're related. It seems like the aunt likes talking to Chris's friends, because she read Gabrielle's Facebook message, and I think she was talking to Markus, because he said she mentioned how Chris likes those flowers. Unless that was from the aunt's conversation with Markus's sister. Anyway, if you were thinking of adding it, I would like to see what kind of person Chris's aunt is. She seems really interesting.

        I looked up what a torivor is on Bing (I'm still not sure =P) and a bunch of other things from your story showed up, like the Beyonders books, Minecraft, the Philippines, and Lurker (which sounds like Lurky).

        It's funny how Chris zones out and changes the topic so easily, which is definitely something I can relate to. I like how she went from Lurky to the platanus trees, and from making out to chicken. The way she described the couple also made me laugh. This is a fun, crazy story. I can only guess what will happen in the future chapters, and look forward to reading them.

        May 27, 2014 | David Boyce


      • Reply

        The comments you leave always gives me hope. Thank you. I'll try my best to make changes to the present tense words. XD Also, I checked the paragraph where they climbed up and changed it to make more sense. Thanks for pointing that out!

        Let's just say the aunt is really hip since she's only around five or six years older. Which explains just about a lot of things like her disregard for a lot of things parents care about. She cares for Chris and knows that the only way to gain her trust is to be that somebody who let's her do anything with few restrictions.

        As for torivors, they are beings from another world in Brandon Mull's book, which I made a referrence to in chapter two, I think. Lurker, if I remember correctly is the nickname for torivors and one of the main characters in the book called one of the Lurkers, Lurky. Which is where I got the name.  Markus in the first chapter resembles a Lurker because he was withdrawn in class, which gave Chris the assumption.

        The Philippines is the country where I live. And I thought the story would be a great way to show people what the country is like, which was one of the reasons I first wrote this story. I guess it made sense with the previous title of the story which was "Asian Chris: The Mom" which I had changed when I wrote chapter two because of a comment on another website that had said that the story was cheapened by the stereotypical clichés, which was basically one of the key points in the story.

        The parts where Chris gets distracted and zones out are based on my adhd. And when I was writing about the couple making out, I had no idea what making out was supposed to look like, to be honest. XD

        May 28, 2014 | Kain Delo


      • Chapter: 7 Reply

        I like the story so far. Great plot, awesome wording and an extensive vocabulary from the author. It's good. When I checked the description I thought it'd be super cliche (no offense XD) but it's not as cliche as I thought it was. It's hilarious and Chris is witty. I'm betting tons of teenagers (including me) can relate to her :)

         

         

        Now, what I don't like is I think the events are moving too fast. Trust me, this is an opinion kind of thing. I prefer slower paces in books. I think Markus for a supposed to be "lurky" guy (I'm going by my understanding in which by Chris calling him lurky she sees him as mysterious and secretive, but I'm not sure that this is your intention here), he confessed too fast to Christ. Like I said, 100% an opinion. I prefer slow-paced books, but there are always the people who love this style of book-writing.

         

         

         

        Overall, it's a good story so far with a very dedicated author who updates quickly. Loving the plot, sentence structures and characters. Looking forward to the next update~

         

        Love lots x

        May 28, 2014 | Pam Grijaldo


      • Reply

        The next update comes tomorrow, depending on when I finish it. XD I have nothing else to say except, GO GET ME FOOD, PAM.

        May 28, 2014 | Kain Delo


      • Chapter: 7 Reply

        Well. That Miss Ribe is quite a character. The way her students reacted to her was priceless, and I can't wait to see what happens in the future.  I can't say I've ever had a teacher like that here in America. Which makes me curious, you've been to the States, right? When was that?

        I found the same mistakes, like present tense, tags, and sentence structure. The plot and characters were great, though there's a few parts that I think could personally be a little clearer. Sorry if I seem a little picky.

        One of them is the beginning. I didn't understand what you meant by that (of course me not understanding something isn't saying much =P). Did the bell ring? Did they only have a minute to get to class? It looked like they were late, but I couldn't quite tell. Also, I thought they got to school early. Forgive me if I'm missing something.

        The second was how Markus grinning reminded Chris of the Philippines. You mentioned not having to be shocked by American culture, but how does a grin remind someone of that? Does he remind her of someone from back home?

        Another one was when Chris wanted to research what would happen if she mixed salicylic acid and resorcinol combined with zinc oxide and precipitated sulfur. I didn't understand at first. It might be clearer if you change "if" to "finding out whether".

        Lastly, the part with Markus's hiding spot was a bit strange for me. What did he replace the books with? By untouched did you mean unread? Is the spot an open space behind the books, and if so wouldn't someone see the dolls if they pulled away the books?

        Besides that, I still think this is a great story. You still have that way of showing not telling, and the humor is random but believable. It's hard to say which part made me laugh the most, but I thought it was really funny when Markus looked up at the sun. There's also a bit of mystery, like anything could happen or be happening, and that ending was a nice cliff hanger.

        I'm not against swearing or anything, but I noticed that you don't overuse it, and it isn't the words themselves that make things humorous but the ideas behind them.

        I wonder why Chris was fasting. Is that how she lost weight? 

        May 30, 2014 | David Boyce


      • Reply

        I've honestly never stepped foot out of my country but I thought the story would be a little bit more interesting with a "bad" teacher. XD

        In the beginning, "The classroom seemed to far away and the warning bell only rings if we have a minute left to get to class apparently because when we get there..." Chris was making an assumption that the warning bell meant a minute left to get to class and that Miss Ribe was always sassy in the mornings and all "stripper-like".

        Also, Chris was lost in thought while the couple was making out and when Markus had made her jump down from the tree, the couple was gone, hinting that time had passed. Which kinda means the couple made out a long time. Ew.

        Chris as we know, has a weird understanding of things. Markus reminding her of her old life is weird, I know. Maybe she had a classmate that had a grin almost like his. Maybe it reminded her of Xlasteu, who knows? She's weird. XD

        The shelves, they were the bottom-most, which meant they were more likely overlooked. As we know, Markus has so far revealed two hiding spots to Chris, and Markus, has that typecast knack things because he is a Lurker, according to Chris. The shelves are built to fit the books so there would be no way to know there was a hollow space behind the row of books.

        As for the humor, I'm glad it makes you laugh. I constantly sit in my computer chair, slightly rocking it as I look at the creepy pedobear coin bank behind my computer screen and slam my face into the keyboard as I decide if a thing is funny enough to become a funny thing.

        Throughout writing the story, I thought people would think I was some sort of bloody sailor, swearing and all. Since I tend to swear constantly, due to really really really  influential swearing classmates and whatnot.

        Other than incorporating in my love of books into Chris, I also incorporated in my ADHD, which would explain a lot regarding her hyperactivity and eating funks. Like me, she's a fussy eater. Since I normally have these days where I just don't feel like eating anything for an entire day because I feel like I went to an eat-all-you-can buffet the day before. You'll most likely see Chris binge eating later on.

        Chris, did not lost weight by dieting, I assure you. I cannot fathom giving my baby an eating disorder much worse than the one I have. ._.

        May 31, 2014 | Kain Delo


      • Chapter: 8 Reply

        Louie, I'm crying! This is too hilarious! How can one person come up with such a masterful story? Reading it makes my day. What was Chris saying near the end, was she swearing?

        Anyway, unfortunately I'm going to be a little picky about some things in this chapter. One thing is the typos. Look over the chapters again, watching for repeated words, typos, and sentences that could be structured better. For example, I don't think "dieded" is a word XD If you read over it again you can catch things that only you can, making sure that it came out the way you wanted it to.

        I personally thought the beginning of the chapter could use a bit more detail and a slower pace. I wasn't feeling Chris's excitement (thought maybe because I'm a boy). Also, were they eating inside or out? It looked like they were eating inside, but then how did they hear the people in the kitchen? Don't take those parts out though, they were funny =)

        Words aren't usually bolded in stories, I don't know if you want to make that italicized or something. Some people think it's distracting.

        I also like the part with the birds at Moondust (I don't think that's italicized or "quoted") but when they flew away, it looked like they were still there, until they flew away again. Was it that only some of them left at first?

        I'm sure you know a lot about American culture, but let me know if you have any questions. I would like to point a couple things out. One thing is that we don't say "bloody" as a word synonymous with "freaking." Also, I don't know if this is a British thing, but in the United States we get our drinks before our food and we don't call napkins "tissues." 

        I respect the way you make everything humorous. A lot of it is from your vocabulary and references, but also similes and exaggeration. You make little things really dramatic, but in a good way, like at the end. The part where the waitress fled from Chris was great, and it's nice that you continued to show Chris's picky diet through how she reacted to Markus ordering for her.

        That's all for this comment. Let me know if there's anything else you would like me to cover, or if you have any questions/concerns about the chapter. And, by the way, what did you think of The Voices of Faie? I now know calling that humor is despicable, especially after reading your story. But I would like to know what people think of it as a whole. If you have the time, and if the VoF doesn't disgust you, I would appreciate some comments =)

        June 1, 2014 | David Boyce


      • Reply

        I am so sorry about the typos. XD I must admit I was rushing to finish that one. As for swearing, did you mean "Oh pag-ibig na ito! Pwes! Hindi na ako magdusa pa!" It's Tagalog, which I am now forced to use more often, and it means, "Oh love like this! I don't have to suffer anymore!" Which is just a raw translation of it. It's actually funny in Tagalog. I'll try making an audio clip of me saying it in the way I thought Chris would say it in the future. XD

        I'll those when I get back from this annoying family vacation thing. ._. And, dieded, albeit being an imaginary word, is something I can imagine Chris actually saying. 

        They were eating outside and let's just say that Marie and Gaston were in separate parts of the house doing god knows what. (Probably baking) And if you listen to the intro song of Belle in Beauty and the Beast, you'll realize something familiar. Hahahahahaha.

        About that... well, I guess was aiming for really stressing the words, I'll edit that too when I can. And with the birds, I have no idea. XD

        With concerns with vocabulary, I guess it's because Chris, like me, is new to the American culture. But... now that I think about it, that's a great way to develop Markus' character and make him more important! Thanks for that! ;)

        Also, I'm reading ToF and in no way is the humor despicable! Just because I have a different way of making people laugh doesn't mean it's despicable. The story may not give out as many intervals of laughter as mine but when it made me laugh, it made me laugh. Which is something most people have trouble doing because somehow, I'm so blasé about everything. XD

        Also, question: Would you like to see Chris speaking more ridiculous Tagalog phrases?

        June 1, 2014 | Kain Delo


      • Reply

        In answer to your question, sure =) I'm glad you like the VoF.

        June 1, 2014 | David Boyce


      • Chapter: 2 Reply

        Hi there. I'm finally reviewing, I'm so sorry that it took so long. Ok, so far I'm enjoying your story and I really do like it. First off, until about half way through this chapter did I realize that Chris was a girl. (Honestly I thought it was a guy.) So, the way you use dialogue sometime you forget, I assume forget, ""'s. It is really confusing as I'm reading. The use of curse words is over done and just aggravating. Authors who use curse words often over use them   . Oh, a teacher cannot curse at a student by law. It would be really hard for a teacher to curse  in a normal school, even harder in such a strict school. 

        June 3, 2014 | Stevie Chandler


      • Chapter: 3 Reply

        Hi there. I'm finally reviewing, I'm so sorry that it took so long. Ok, so far I'm enjoying your story and I really do like it. First off, until about half way through this chapter did I realize that Chris was a girl. (Honestly I thought it was a guy.) So, the way you use dialogue sometime you forget, I assume forget, ""'s. It is really confusing as I'm reading. The use of curse words is over done and just aggravating. Authors who use curse words often over use them   . Oh, a teacher cannot curse at a student by law. It would be really hard for a teacher to curse  in a normal school, even harder in such a strict school.  The references to pop culture and tv, games, shows is starting to get on my nerves. To be honest, I've never read a story that's been published with so many references. I feel like you are putting to much of yourself into this. Like Chris the character. She seems too fake. 

        June 3, 2014 | Stevie Chandler


      • Chapter: 3 Reply

        Hi there. I'm finally reviewing, I'm so sorry that it took so long. Ok, so far I'm enjoying your story and I really do like it. First off, until about half way through this chapter did I realize that Chris was a girl. (Honestly I thought it was a guy.) So, the way you use dialogue sometime you forget, I assume forget, ""'s. It is really confusing as I'm reading. The use of curse words is over done and just aggravating. Authors who use curse words often over use them   . Oh, a teacher cannot curse at a student by law. It would be really hard for a teacher to curse  in a normal school, even harder in such a strict school.  The references to pop culture and tv, games, shows is starting to get on my nerves. To be honest, I've never read a story that's been published with so many references. I feel like you are putting to much of yourself into this. Like Chris the character. She seems too fake. Ahh the classic who's she going to end up with. 

        June 3, 2014 | Stevie Chandler


      • Reply

        Thanks for commenting! I'm about to finish the first chapter of yours. I'm sorry it took a while. 

        Finally, criticism! Oh bittersweet criticism! Ye has come! Anyway, enough of that.

        I must admit that that was unedited since I wrote it back in 2013. The references were disgusting and abused. And there is no excuse for the cursing except maybe for Chris trying to express herself. XD I get that cursing teachers are illegal and all but I thought it would add flair to the story. 

        June 5, 2014 | Kain Delo


      • Chapter: 9 Reply

        Sorry about the late comment! I had a lot of homework again. Hey, speaking of being late, how was Chris late for her birth? Wasn't she right there...you know...? In America, we are never ever late for our births  =V

        Okay, there's a few things I would like to point out. One is the study period that's longer than an hour. Wow...Is study period that long in the Philippines? Here it's only half an hour, and not right after lunch. Though I don't know how other American schools work.

        The second part is when you said "I took his doll and took mine from his, and traded." I assume you meant that she picked up Marvin's doll and he picked up hers, and then they switched so that they had the right ones, but at first I was a little confused.

        One thing that confused me, what does "popping the p" mean? Is that like making a p sound? And what does "having you into oblivion" mean?

        This next one might be a stylistic thing, but I'm used to using, and seeing, the question mark before the exclamation point, like ?! because doing this !? to me looks like you're asking a question about an exclamation. But if that's what you're used to, I'm not going to tell you to change your ways =)

        Lastly, I'm not sure what Markus and Chris did with their dolls before going to the really weird group of people. Did they put them in their lockers or something? Or did they still have them, just Chris didn't mention it?

        This chapter was just as good as the rest. It's well written; I didn't see any repetition or overused words. It's pretty detailed too. And again, Chris compared herself to a movie character, which is kind of funny because she's in a story. I thought it was funny how Markus knew her combination but she didn't.

        I wonder what else her aunt told people, and if Chris is going to tell her aunt's friends things about her aunt...oh, and I also wonder who owns the bag, and how those people thought of such a challenge. By the way Markus was talking, I think they're going to be nice people.

        Did you read Junie B. Jones when you were a kid? I remember reading it when I was little, and this book kind of reminds me of that book, but it's like a version for teenagers.

        June 6, 2014 | David Boyce


      • Reply

        I most certainly have no idea what I was aiming for when I wrote that Chris was late for her birth. I guess she was making a point that she was never late to school. I can't remember. XD

        In regards to study periods, we don't have them here. A lot of the American stuff I write is based on google searches and questions I ask my friends. Let's just say the school is cool like that. ._.

        Popping the 'p' is an expression I read a lot on fanfictions. I assumed it was a normal thing. As for "having you to oblivion", it was a typo I made. It's actually "hating you to oblivion." I've changed it, nonetheless. And I have no idea where their dolls went. I might have forgotten about them while I was engrossed on who the purple bag should belong to. (Spoiler alert: I still have no idea.) 

        Her aunt is just plain awesome although I doubt Chris does that since I would assume that her aunt made a point to just embarrass Chris to an extent where she wouldn't seek out revenge like a psychopath. Haha. *nervous laughter*

        Nope, I have not heard of "Junie B. Jones" up until you mentioned it. And I googled it and the way it was written does sort of make Chris seem like Junie B and I find that really flattering from some reason. 

        I'm glad you think that the chapter was detailed. I tried my hardest to give more description, which is something I really lack. XD I guess after the tenth chapter, updates will get slower and slower because school over here starts on June 9th, which is in three days. ._. 

        June 6, 2014 | Kain Delo


      • Chapter: 10 Reply

        Thanks a lot xD Apparently I was reading this chapter with a ridiculous grin on my face and my older sister was like, "Wtf are you doing, Tibby??" But this is seriously one of the funniest things I've ever read. It makes such great use of randomness, exaggeration, mischief and relatability. I also noticed all the satire and symbolism you put into your work, which makes me appreciate it all the more.

        If there's anything wrong with this chapter (at least the way I see it) is that times it was a little confusing, though it's mainly due to not having read the previous chapter in a while. I was wondering what she was talking about and what the italics were lol. But then I read the whole thing again and remembered that she was talking to that weird group which Markus was acquaintanced with. When she said, "Beso! That's what we call a cheek-to-cheek greeting!" was that was out loud or just her thoughts?

        Besides that, all I noticed was that Chris was worried about Cesson going into a phone even though it had a lock on it. Also I still see typos and tense confusion as well as the dialogue written as their own sentences as opposed to attached to their dialogue tages (e.g. "You don't sound too good, Chris..." He said."). Wow, Markus is God! xD Understandable mistakes though. Sorry that I didn't have much to niggle about.

        I thought the whole thing was hilarious, but my favorite part was probably her reaction when she found out that there were two Owens/Owenses. Was that kawaii anime guy Owen? That part was funny too, the way Chris was thinking about how she would pay a lot of money to see someone adjust their glasses and have the light reflect on them. What was your favorite part about writing the chapter?

        Though the way you split the chapter in two confused me at first and could use a brief explanation it was nicely done. I guess Chris was confused too since she was sick and tired. I love your wording too, and the way you convey Chris's thoughts. Like I said it's relatable even from a boy's perspective.

        Would it be easier to write if I told you little bit about American culture like with the schools? I don't mean to insult your intelligence, just in case there's anything you don't know about.

        October 19, 2014 | David Boyce


      • Reply

        Oh god. You don't know how much that means to me! Ever since I posted the chapter I was anxiously waiting for your review because damn man, you're honest and I seriously didn't trust the opinion of the people who read it while it was being written. 

        Actually, the confusion would be both our faults. XD I felt like the story was inconsistent because of the fact that it was written between a lapse of four months and written in chunks. Hahaha. With the phone thing, I assume it's just Chris being paranoid or maybe Cesson may have known the password. We'll never know.

        It was hilarious? Really? I thought it was really mellow because the first person who read it said it felt calm and that Chris used 'fuck' too much. Hahaha. My baby got the overuse of 'fuck' from me. XD

        Most of the anime references I admit were really funny but only because I was thinking of a college friend who photoshopped a series of pictures to make it look like he did the glasses thing. The result was epic. 

        I guess my favorite part were the jokes and I actually thought I should just reveal who owned the bag in this chapter but I got to the ending of the chapter with her not saying sorry and I was like, 'ehhhh. daz enough.' Like, the story normally revolves around the joke. Literally every chapter I've written so far is based off of one of the jokes in each chapter. ._. 

        But the part that I really had fun writing about was when she was reaching for the bowl of soup and she thought of 'boy'. Like, no boy in specific but just 'boy'.  XD And I also liked the 'Shit. One shit. Two shit. Eight shit. Sixty-nine shit. I'm shit. ' because it just felt really funny.

        That italic flashbacks weren't supposed to symbolize her being sick but thanks, I think the story made more sense in my head when you said that. Hahahaha. 

        I'm pretty surprised you think it's relatable from even a boy's perspective. Hahaha. I would say I tried really hard to make it like that but that would be lying. I'm just going to be honest and say that the way Chris thinks or her line of thought, really, is a lot like mine. But maybe that's just because I was raised to be one of the guys. Hahahaha.

        One thing I should warn you about is that the story is going to get weirder after I introduce a few more characters. And also that most of these characters are going to be male. Hopefully. Hahahha.

        I would honestly really like any help you could give me. XD My friends over there are either busy or are homeschooled so... XD I guess I'll hit you up if I got any questions.

        October 20, 2014 | Kain Delo


      • Chapter: 11 Reply

        Aww, what a touching chapter. And there goes my manliness xD It was nice to see Christy-Anne Q. Ramirez's "soft side" (though that's probably an exaggeration) through her relationships with Brian and Aunt Shelley. I don't know, she's always been a loveable character with her sort-of tomboyish personality and all but something about this chapter made me like her even more. Like reading about her happiness made me feel happy.

        Please forgive my denseness, but I didn't really get that Chinese joke :O Was the punchline that Brian didn't have another year in school, or was there something else to it that as a maputi (iz dat reit?) I missed? Anyway that's the only one of your jokes I didn't get and think hilarious so I thought I'd mention it.

        After reading the chapter l (that's a lowercase L) have a good sense of time, but while reading it was a bit confusing. At first I thought it was in the afternoon even though it was midnight. Also Chris and her dear auntie managed to warp time somehow because they slept until afternoon, then they went back in time to when they ordered the pizza xD Nicely written, just the order things were said that confused me.

        I like how, while Chris's main appeal was different in this chapter, you still had some of your ingenious humor. I think my favorite part was when you compared the aunt's snoring to a bird chirping with a worm stuck in its throat xD Also sexual references tend to make me nervous but I couldn't help giggling when she talked about being physically active =P

        I also like how you're specific, like saying "sexy Bamboo leather Gucci" instead of purse and "Mean Girls 2"/"Mean Girls" instead of just movie. Also how you use comparisons as in the hyperbole of the aunt's desk having more paperwork then the United Nations and her scream hurting Chris more than "the screaming conversation of Gaston and Mary." It's cool how the style of your story is so informal and fun to read but there's all these literary touches to it.

        The way you wrote the scene where Chris woke up was also amazing. Not only was it original just like the rest of the story but it makes the reader go, "What the fudge is she doing???" xD

        Also I don't know if I've said this before but the way you name your chapters is awesome.

        Are you a Percy Jackson fan, or do they really have blue lemonade in the Philippines? What does it taste like? =P

        Aunt Shelley really does seem like a cool person. Is she based off of the aunt you told me about? Anyway I like her, just like all the other characters in the story.

        Thanks for the dedication at the end. I'm glad I've been some help =) Let me know if you have any questions.

        October 27, 2014 | David Boyce


      • Reply

        Hahahah. Don't worry Thirdy, your manliness will come back eventually. Did the chapter make you girly fangirl happy or just happy? XD

        Yeah, you got it. He's a senior and Chris was also supposed to be a senior if she stayed. (Luckily she didn't. Or else we wouldn't be talking about this.) Hahahah. Maputi or not, you just got owned by a story. 

        I don't think they went back in time to order pizza. XD What does your country not have a 24/7 pizza place like we do? Omg, has the Philippines finally 1up'd the US of A? No way! Jkjk. XD

        I'm glad you like the analogy I gave with her aunts snoring. XD I based her snoring on the snoring of a guy friend during Red Cross Camp. (I recorded it on my phone. He wasn't amused. I play it a lot to piss him off)

        The informal/literary touches thing should be attributed to my journalism teachers. XD

        I'm glad you like the way I name my chapters. It takes a lot of critical thinking to pick the perfect joke/referrence to make the titles. XD

        Both man. BOOOOTH. I'm a PJO fan AND we have blue lemonade. It tastes like regular lemonade, but it's blue. :P

        Yes, Aunt Shelley is based on that aunt. Ahahahahahaha. I've got a pretty big pool of people's personalities to base my characters off of. Everyone I'm friends with or related to, in one way or another, is weird and effed up. XD

        You're welcome. Although, you deserve it! There were some points where I'd be stuck and something you'd say would just get me going again. XD hahaha

        October 27, 2014 | Kain Delo


      • Chapter: 12 Reply

        I'm so sorry this comment is late. I wrote one the other day and I'm sure I sent it, but something must have happened. Anyway, I really like how this chapter allowed the reader to look at it with one of many different emotions; one person could go "Awwww they're so cute!" while another could go "Hahahahaha they're so stupid, what is she doing?" or maybe "It's a trap! Chris, nooooo!" I, personally, reacted mainly with curiosity. It's always fun to see where Chris's quaint whimsicality will take her next.

        I do have some things to nitpick about. First of all, this part I didn't quite understand: [...all the diet sodas and pizza and then the lechon, oh right, I don't live there anymore, the roasted pig leftovers from the last time we felt like having a girls night.] It might be clearer to idiot Americans like me if you break it up into multiple sentences =P

        Also, I felt that the pacing in between these two paragraphs was a little fast, but probably because it's like the third time I've read it:

        ["Yeah? It's Chris." I answered, not bothering to check who it was that was calling me and not caring because who in their right minds would call me?

        I could hear breathing on the other side of the line. Oh noes! Don't tell me it's one of those '7 Days' things. Or worse! It might be a telemarketer preparing to dive into a long speech about why I should buy their fish pen. I don't need a fish pen in my life! And even more, I don't need a freaky nutter calling me in the afternoon!]

        Here's a question without a question mark: [How the hell does he know that.]

        [Honestly, if I looked any harder, I would have seen the billions of germs crawling everywhere, including my nose.] This hyperbole was funny, it just seemed awkward since saying that there's germs everywhere implies that the car was dirty. Also, it reads as if you're saying that Chris's nose is a germ xD I would say "on my nose." It's definitely an understandable typo though.

        I'm still seeing quotations as their own sentences, with periods instead of commas and the first word of their tags capitalized: [“Somewhere. Just be patient.” He replied as he started the car.] {"Somewhere. Just be patient," he replied as he started the car.} Is that an official thing where you live? I just want to make sure because I was taught to only do it the other way.

        Every time you use an apostrophe to make a word plural, a puppy dies xD Marvin's should be Marvins, Frappuccino's should be Frappuccinos, and Xiao Kai's should be Xiao Kais, again unless you guys in the Philippines are like us Americans and use your own grammar.

        The "d" in McDonalds is capitalized, like the G in my last name :)

        Since the chapter didn't work out as you planned, are you going to take out the part where Jason said that he was going to teach her how to America?

        Lastly, the chapter title is misleading, since there's only one beach to my understanding.

        But wow, this chapter was pretty long and probably the most submersive as of yet. I really admire your use of detail, evident in Chris's (usually exaggerated) reactions to her environment and your use of abstract language such as "DSC-RX1r" instead of "camera" and "Nissan Navara" rather than "car."

        Another thing I like is how your humor and style of narration is varied throughout, from the amazing first sentence to that mysterious end where they were about to go to the labyrinth. Parts of the story are references to Chris's life back in the Philippines like when she thought about how Brian always got scrapes, some of it's her way of going about her current life in America like when she was choosing her clothes. Some of her thoughts are embellished consternations such as when she asked if Amber is a Marvin and worried about the consequences, while other thoughts are silly little ones like imagining a leprechaun chasing them and remarking that one of their pictures made it look like they were kissing. Overall there is a lot of flow and every turn in the plot is delightfully unexpected.

        It's cool how you make numerous allusions in your story, such as American and Filipino culture, Barney, Sempai and Kohai, and Minecraft ("Achievement get!"). The way you rely on multiple types of humor such as these allusions, randomness (the good kind), mischief, wit, and exaggeration makes this story all the better.

        Before I end this comment, I do have one question. Are Markus, Jason, and Aunt Shelley white, or Filipino, or what? I like how you leave a lot up to the reader to imagine for him- or herself, I'm just curious about this one thing =P

        Hopefully I haven't talked too much xD Let me know if I missed anything, or if you have any questions.

        December 16, 2014 | David Boyce


      • Reply

        I would be lying if I didn't say I was getting worried. I've been really dependant on your reviews. Like, I wouldn't properly start typing a chapter until I'd read your review for the most recent one. Honest!

        I've taken note of some of your concerns and have made a few changes and stuff. But the germs thing though...

        It's like one thing I can't change because technically speaking, billions of germs are literally crawling around your body right now. We just can't see 'em, and that was what Chris meant. That would also mean that what a human being would perceive as perpetually clean would still be littered with germs, no matter what.

        I blame microsoft word for being a meanie and auto-correcting my writing without my consent! I am totally not liable! Really! ._. But the uncapitalized 'd' in McDonalds, you can blame me for. I'm used to typing out, "Mcdo", which is what we call it here, since that's where my friends and I sometimes eat when we feel like it. 

        I'm not sure about the 'How to America' thing anymore. I just wasn't feeling it after I wrote the chapter. It didn't fit anymore.Hahahaha. I guess we'll see. That would have been fun though! Maybe next time.

        Oh the title doesn't mean the beach they were at! It's supposed to be a play on how 'beach' sounds a lot like 'bitch' and you know, Amber being one of them beaches. XD I kid.

        I'm glad you like the extra detail. I extensively google something if I want to be *really* specific. XD

        Aunt Shelley is Filipino. Markus and Jason are white. Will is Filipino. I am Filipino. You are white. :3

        December 16, 2014 | Kain Delo


      • Chapter: 13 Reply

        Wow, I honestly thought Jason was going to take advantage of Chris. I still wonder if he's going to do something to embarrass her. Probably not, since her suspicion seemed to be due to her imagination and if he wanted to he already had multiple chances. I'm still not shipping anyone with Chris, because I'm a boy :P Their conversations are still very amusing though.

        My first complaint I mean suggestion is to italicize the text messages written by Naddy and Chris, since they weren't saying anything out loud.

        I don't mean to insult your intelligence, but there are a few things that I've noticed before, such as with the dialog tags: [“Really?” He responded.] You don't need "He responded" here because we know that it was Jason; Chris's dialog was the one right before that one. Also "he" should be lowercase since Jason isn't God, and "responded" isn't a verb that I would associate with a question. Secondly, letters don't have quotes around them and plural nouns never use apostrophes.

        There was this one phrase that I didn't understand: [Thankfully, they were only undressed, where they needed to be undressed to do the do.]

        Lastly, I have some questions for you. WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT OF THE MURDER? Do you know what your purpose, argument and audience are? Ideally who should we readers be, and what do you want us to walk away with? Sometimes I wonder if this story is supposed to be some kind of allegory, because there isn't really much of a conflict. It reads sort of more like a TV show than a book because of that, also because the chapters in a way seem independent of each other.

        How did you want the chapter to end? I could almost tell that it had a mind of its own because of how there didn't seem to be a climactic moment, there was suspense and mystery but it sort of just dissolved. Happens with me all the time haha xD

        What was your inspiration for the Labyrinth? Is that a real thing, where you have to find your way through and they won't let you out until you get the Y? Why a Y? xD Anyway it was a very interesting part of the chapter.

        This chapter also was an excellent source of your trademark humor. Chris's wild imagination and side-track thoughts always catch me by surprise, and her interactions with the other characters are priceless.

        I like your use of vernacular when Naddy was texting Chris, and the difference between the way everybody talks. The characters all have their separate personalities that make them distinguishable.

        My favorite part was probably the end dialog between Jason and Chris, when they were leaving the Labyrinth. What was your favorite part to write?

        December 29, 2014 | David Boyce


      • Reply

        Hahaha. I ship Chris with anyone. She's just one of those characters you'll literally even ship with grass. Like Draco Malfoy from Harry Potter. He's been shipped with so many people and things it's impossible to keep up. XD

        With that complaint, I have to say sorry. I was rushing to post the chapter up so when I copy pasted it to Sparkatale, I totally forgot to read through it. Mostly because it was really late (or early) on Christmas eve and ekk, I was sleepy. XD

        Oh. Thoooose. I guess it's just me being a little careful. It was one of the problems I had when I first started writing. I lacked those a lot. I literally assumed people would understand who was saying what back then. I guess I'm still a little wary of that. Hahaha.

        With capitalization issues, I was sort of taught that after an ending of a sentence, the next letter, regardless of any quotation marks and such, would be capitalized but I'll check that out. XD

        Oh. Chris was just looking for a way to describe them having sex, to say it bluntly. [Thankfully, they were only undressed, where they needed to be undressed to do the do.] = The only articles of clothing was removed were the articled that restricted intimate activity. XD I changed it though. To make it more clear and probably more funny. Hahahah

        I was in my room, arranging my bookshelf and scratching the band aid on my chin, which is why I have a scratch outlining the band aid. That was where I was on the night of the murder. XD

        Yeah, I totally get your point. Again it's just me being an old cow making sure I don't go back my former writing ways. For this one, it's the pace of the story. The conflict doesn't really start for a while and I'm just building it up, I guess. My former stories (Ones that I have burned and sacrificed to my dogs) were all to fast-paced and left little for character development so I guess I've been counteracting that urge by writing at a very slow pace. 

        I wanted it to end with "Your words hurt, Chris. They hurt me where Urinary Tract Infection hurts." since it doesn't sound funny but at the same time it makes you want to laugh because he's trying so desperately to joke around. 

        I had imagined Jason to always be this jock guy who was just that. I never thought that he'd become this guy that just gets Chris. I guess we'll see where this story goes.

         The labyrinth only exists in my mind. Hahaha. I got the idea from a title of a long forgotten story I wrote and didn't finish. It was supposed to be this group of teenagers finding a labyrinth under their school, Yangtze Preparatory, which is actually where Experimental sprouted from. You could say that this unfinished story started an entire chain of stories at ultimately led to the creation of CRSM. XD

        The Y was a punny inside joke that makes me laugh every time. It's a Y because Y=Why as in 'Y the hell are they looking for a why.' It's like that algebraic math joke about X. I thought it was really funny so I made my own version. Hahahahhaa

        Your favorite part was the one that went right with the chapter. It's sort of word-for-word from my plot outline. Behind the story plot, you have that conversation. There was one quote that I really wanted to put in but it didn't really fit. It related to Chris' classmate and was supposed to be another thing that he said. 

        "If you're ready to love someone, look for someone." It's so not funny it's actually funny and makes me laugh for some reason.

        My favorite would totally be the part where Chris yells "Megatron!" It's so random and weird you'd never expect it. I actually got while I was watching a NigaHiga video on Youtube where Sean creeps up on Greg with a Transformers mask on, I think. Hahahah.

        December 30, 2014 | Kain Delo


      • Chapter: 14 Reply

        Wow, they'd make amazing parents. I can imagine Chris putting a real baby in his underwear drawer, or Jason letting it get kidnapped by a deranged girl. She was all mad at him for losing it, but forgot that she was just as bad and begged him to keep the baby in the last chapter. I wonder how this is all going to tie in to the major plotline and the rest of the story. It will be nice to see how they turn out by the end of the story: surely mature and well-developed young peeps, having learned a valuable life lesson or two.

        [I just didn’t know who, why, where and how.]

        [wherever cave it came from]

        [the next door classroom]

        [the boss’ mid-morning snack] This should be "boss's" because "boss" isn't plural. You probably know that though :)

        [theJason Perfection’ show]

        [I was going to be late for Math if he doesn’t hurry this shit up.]

        [True to his word, Jason took me to his seven bedroom, one attic, eight bathroom, house after class to look for the missing doll.] I would also get rid of that last comma, before "house"

        [even if I was lactose intolerant]

        [I would have gladly stinked up] *stunk

        [Plus the freaking glass container, sticker and the lid.]

        [which I at first envisioned was similar] I would replace this with "as"

        [the most tricked out attic]

        [blue and green-patterned pillows]

        [i-want-to-be-your-girlfriend-and-bear-your-babies thing]

        [the out of place door]

        Sometimes "butternut" used to replace "Jason" wasn't capitalized, and there are a few clauses in the present tense which I assume are thoughts to be italicized.

        There are a few things I found confusing (sorry, it's really late xD) such as where the dream took place, though I assume it was right before Nadine's party, and why Jason dived into the bushes.

        When did they leave, was that the end of school, or a really long study period sort of thing? Also, she mentioned being late for math class but the previous class made her fall asleep and the board had triangles so I thought that was math.

        Since when was Carrie's name Carrie? When Jason said he threw her in his room and then lost her I thought he was talking about his sister Erin. Really...

        When Chris said she could pinch his ass and then pinched his cheeks, it was unclear which cheeks she was talking about :P

        I think was the way she reacted to him, like "Hold up! I’m not a vampire. So why the fuck would I be worried about a wooden stake? Riiiiight, wooden stakes are fatal because stupid humans have soft, mushy skin that can be easily penetrated. I wish we evolved into something cooler! Like turtles, but faster!" xD You also had a bit of suspense at that part, which really stood out because of the general sillyness in the rest of the story. What was your favorite part to write?

        Through the whole story you've done an amazing job at stuffing so much humor into one chapter without making it look like you're trying too hard, plus it's original and refreshing, to say the least. I wish there were more stories like this one, easy-to-read feel-good stories that read almost like a sitcom. How do you come up with all these funny things for Chris to say? Do they just pop into your head, or do you write down some complicated algebraic formulas on one of those plexiglass boards to know exactly what will make us readers laugh?

        I like the flow of this chapter. Everything that happens seems random, which adds to the humor, but you don't let things get out of control and they all have a reasonable cause-and-effect sequence, from Jason losing the doll to them having to get ready for a tea party with Erin.

        The details were great too. You said "my old Tom Sawyer costume" instead of just "a costume" and a "decoden rainbow-colored phone in my hand for a Jedi-like sword." The attic room was described as big and we know some of the furniture and Erin's room as blindingly pink, but you still left the rest to our imagination. "Showing not telling" was quite admirable as well, from Chris and Jason shaking like Chihuahuas but for different reasons and her half-begging, half-seething at Erin.

        Unfortunately I can't show this story to my friends. They would be scandalized by all the swearing xD So I really hope someone gets a second comment in so you can post the next chapter. Can't wait to see what all the drama is about.

        February 25, 2015 | David Boyce


      • Reply

        The sarcasm in that first sentence was amazing and was probably the cherry on top of an awesome day for me. Oh my god. I guess the chapter does make you wonder how they're going to deal with actual kids. Heh. I didn't plan on it seeming like that but good enough! I had to stop myself from laughing out loud at your assumption of the ending though. They're teenagers, something that isn't learning a valuable lesson is more bound to happen. (Not baby making tho. That's eh.)

        Thank you for pointing those errors out! I was high on determination to finish everything before Valentines day and all that and I couldn't really edit it. I fixed the errors and tweaked a lot of the stuff you wrote about. Again, thank you.

        It was the end of school. If I remember correctly, school there ends at three, which is insanely early compared to the fact that school here ends at five in the afternoon and sometimes, when you've got work to do, six or seven in the evening. XD

        Math. In the first part, she was referring to Geometry class and in the second one, she was referring to Trigonometry. Over here, we have to math classes. (Right now, it's Advanced Algebra and Calculus. I cry.)

        Carrie's name was mentioned in the chapter where they were first asked to pair up and do parenting exercises in Miss Ribe's class. I can't remember which chapter but it was mentioned. Her original name is Cassie and then I changed it to Carrie after a while because of Ansel Elgort. XD

        Changed the ass to cheeks although, butts are sometimes referred to as ass cheeks and I just thought about that now I understand why you were confused. XD

        There wasn't really a favorite part in the story that I relatively liked because they were all really normal for Chris and nothing just... stood out. But chapter fourteen, though, has one awesome part that I really loved writing. (I'm halfway done with it. Bahahahaha)

        Hey, if you want more Chris-like stories, I recommend reading Patricke or Fortune Cookie Monday. Those are like my funniest so far. XD

        I guess I come up with everything Chris says the same way I come up with things to say. I can't say that they just pop into my head because I normally have to do a ton of goofing off during the writing process to be able to make funny stuff happen. Like, in the Labyrinth chapter, I was watching a ton of videos on YouTube. 

        I'm glad you see it as random and not really well-orchestrated in a way that makes it feel inauthentic. I was worried the chapter came off like that. XD

        Chris describing Erin's room as blindingly pink was golden. And not just because it's a girl saying it but because too much pink actually blinds. It happened once. XD

        I guess you'll have to. :P Chapter fourteen is really normal so far and finally, social media will be part of it and you'll be seeing a lot of selfies happening. Also White Chicks, apparently. XD

        February 25, 2015 | Kain Delo


      • Chapter: 15 Reply

        Oops. My comment for this chapter never got sent. Sorry, I should have checked xD The chapter was just as great as the other ones. Of course it still isn't too plot-driven and relies mainly on relatability, but I found the integration of Jason's little sister very relatable. The humor isn't bad either. I've never thought about producers that way haha.

        I'm assuming these are typos but just in case:

        [...going as far as giving their children an entire wing of their house dedicated to hone their acting, singing and dancing skills...] 

        [I wonder if the dude produces really successful porn.] [Hopefully, I don't get breast cancer.] These should either be in italics or changed to the past tense.

        [There was even this one time when she worked together with Henry Christian and took my phone and threatened to get him to send mom the flirty text messages I sent to a girl I met at Starbucks if I didn't bring the both of them of them to see the local play of the The Phantom of The Opera.] This sentence's length made it a bit hard to read. I would split it up, maybe using commas. Also the second "the" should be lowercase. "The Phantom of the Opera" and If I Stay should be written like this

        [...the ruby red-lipped baby Alive...]

        [I picked up Erin's pillows incase the little snot...]

        If you want to advance the story with a more conventional plot (I don't know where you want to go) I feel like this would be a good spot for major conflict, mystery, and/or some strategic thinking on the characters' part, something to keep up the interest of readers who can't relate and don't ship. This may be a stylistic difference though, I'm sure you know what you're doing :)

        I don't think the part with the Gayle Forman books needs to be rewritten. I mean, yeah, it is kinda sexist because "gay" is in her name and Chris was making fun of him for reading it, Unless you're trying to hint that Jason really is homosexual, and that's why he hasn't asked her out yet. After the scene at the end and previous ones you'd think he would. But I don't think that part was poorly written, unless you fixed it already.

        Erin's pretty dumb for running away like that hahaha. That was... unexpected. Makes you wonder if she'll think they tricked her and try to get back at them. The last sentence makes you think too, what with her aunt's promotion celebration. The way you left it there makes it seem like something important is going to happen.

        Lastly, I like how you specify and use comparisons to paint a vivid picture, from the "Dorothy-ish" dress that was "probably the best one out of the entire lot" to the "cheeky 'Teehee' facial expression from White Chicks." But you balanced it out with less direct details like Jason taking ballet lessons and Chris's underwear.

        Hopefully that's everything from my original comment, I can't think of anything else to say. Let me know if you have any questions.

        June 15, 2015 | David Boyce


      • Reply

        I'm happy you think it's just as great as the other chapters because I really felt like this chapter was really cheapened by a lot of the references and it lacked a lot of Chris factor for me and I was so close to just not publishing it.

        As regards to some of the errors I've made, I'll try to look over the chapter again and correct them when I have the time (which is pretty rare nowadays.)

        To the plot, I can't really say much about it but it has finally been broken down and written so I guess you should expect something to finally happen. And the part with Erin abandoning them for Phineas and Ferb was not exactly what I had in mind when I first started typing because I had already gotten to typing Chris and Jason dressing up and preparing for it and then when I stopped writing for two months, I realized that it was possibly the most annoying thing that could happen to them. Now, I'm not going to say if something's going to happen in this chapter or the next but something is going to happen. It's only a matter of when it'll happen. :)

        Fun Fact: When Jason stopped taking ballet, his mom made him do Interpretative Dance. 

        June 17, 2015 | Kain Delo