Genevieve Middleton | SparkaTale

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  • Last login 09/13/17
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Genevieve Middleton's Bio

Hello. My name is Genevieve, but I'm almost always called Gen because people are too lazy to say Genevieve. Personally, I have no preference so call me whatever you want. But not Genny. I hate Genny :P

There's nothing interesting about me to say. I'm very boring. But I am always happy to do review exchanges or just comment on someone else's work, so feel free to ask me. I'm usually pretty good about returning them unless you catch me during exam season.

 

Books

8 1 55 2859
The Killer

10 0 155 15481
Cursed

10 0 73 2138
Day and Age

9 2 5 464
Unwelcome Visitors

30 2 452 13943
Gifted
Poems
Genevieve Middleton has not written any poems yet.
Reviews
  • Boy

    Rating:
    Overall this is a very good story. The characters are all distinct from each other and well rounded. You wrote their romance very convincingly, even though things moved so quickly it worked really well for the story. I had an idea of what would happen, but even so the turn of events was heartbreaking. The latest chapter (chapter 7, at the moment :P) was really well done too. I feel so sorry for Erin (and Tyler, of course) – I’m eager to read on and see what happens. The ending was very intriguing, to say the least… One thing I thought you could do to improve the story was to describe a bit more of the crash. It doesn’t quite seem shocking enough written the way it was. Adding a bit more detail - Erin seeing the truck about to hit them, or not seeing it and feeling the truck slam into them suddenly, the noise it made… Details like that would make the scene a lot more impactful, especially when it’s such an important event. I also felt (and this may just be me) that occasionally the dialogue seems a little… Unnatural? Most of it’s good and believable, but there were a few occasions where I felt Tyler and Erin said things to each other that just didn’t seem like something people would say. But then, maybe it’s just me, because admittedly Australians have a rather crass way of talking xD But overall, this story is really good and definitely worth reading. If I could I’d rate it 4.5 stars. Sorry if this review isn’t very helpful – I’ve never written one before so I’m not really sure what to write about xD If you have any questions, just PM me and I’ll be happy to answer them.

    Reviewed on: August 26, 2015

Comments
  • Snowfall

    Well, I might have to take back what I said about the last chapter being the best of this series so far, because this one tops it. I mean, that ending. Need I say more? :P Even though Steven’s been my prime JTG suspect for quite a while now, a part of me never thought I’d actually be right, so I’m happy xD And I feel bad for feeling happy, since obviously Steven being JTG is a huge betrayal for all of them, plus he’s pointing a gun at Clara and all, but I can’t help myself :P Anyway, I think the whole lead up to the reveal, with the intermixing of Clara and Snow’s POV, was really well done. I was a bit confused at first when Clara’s part of the story was in italics, since you’ve never done that before, but I got over it pretty quickly and I think the way you interwove the two scenes at the end really added to the suspense and eventual reveal. I’m really excited to see what happens next, and what will be revealed. One thing I’m very curious about is why Steven targeted Jackson. I mean, I have an idea of his motives for targeting the girls (although I think it’s very likely there’s more to it than I know right now), but Jackson… I don’t have any idea what he could’ve done to be stalked this way. I feel bad for him regardless, since out of all of them Jackson was probably the closest to Steven so I feel like this will hit him the hardest, presuming he survives (he’s still my no. 1 suspect to die). I’m not sure Steven is the one who tried to kill Sara, though. He seems a clear choice, since we know he was at that party and obviously he was stalking her beforehand, but I feel like it might’ve been someone involved with Tony and Co. who stabbed her rather than JTG. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that I wouldn’t be surprised if Steven confesses to her ‘murder’ in the near future, but I also wouldn’t be surprised if he says it wasn’t him because I don’t feel like it’s JTG’s style to kill her in that way. He’s gone to all this effort to arrange this confrontation with Clara and Co. in private, making sure they know it was him after all this time. In comparison, attempting to kill Sara by stabbing her in the back so she never knows it was him seems a bit odd. But then, maybe the impersonalness of stabbing her in the back is what made him want a proper confrontation this time around, so like I said I still wouldn’t be surprised if it turns out he tried to kill her after all. Sorry about that confusing mess of an explanation xD Anyway, overall I think you did a really good job building the suspense up to this reveal. Even though I’d already been very suspicious of Steven, it was still surprising and made me want to go back and read parts of the story with JTG’s identity in mind. For example, that phone convo Sara had right before she dies makes so much more sense now :P And the phone thing too, which I admit I’d forgotten about until Snow mentioned it in this chapter.

    Anyway, moving on from that, I should go back to the beginning. It was really interesting to read how Sara managed to survive, as well as learn more about this plot involving Tony and Co. and her dad. I hadn’t really given much thought to Sara’s dad before, and was surprised to learn he was a member of the Dawnguard too. I was also surprised to learn the reason Sara was working against Michael at the beginning was because she thought he was JTG. I’d always assumed it was because she mistakenly thought he was involved with Sebastian. Or, as I knew him back then, the virgin-killing serial killer/demon :P Anyway, because of that, her whole plan to drug Snow to see if Michael would molest her surprised me greatly, because it’s something I never considered at all. Regardless, I really felt for Snow during that scene :/ Whether Sara planned on letting Michael the Molester (if he was a supervillain, that would be his name :P) hurt Snow or not, the fact she’d even consider stooping that low is very telling. Of course, I do believe Sara when she says she’s sorry and that she’s changed, but even so, it’s a terrible thing for Snow to hear especially after Michael’s betrayal. And now she’s got Steven’s deceit to deal with too :/ Anyway, overall this was another really great chapter. So many interesting and surprising things were revealed and once again I find myself very eager to read what happens next :)

    Commented on: September 13, 2017

  • Snowfall

    Wow, this chapter is probably my favourite of the whole story so far. So many things were revealed and I didn’t expect to find out so much at once at any point in the near future, so I’m happy xD Firstly, I was right about why Michael raped Mary! That makes me happy because now even if I am horrendously wrong about every other theory I can say that I at least got one thing right :P Anyway, I was glad to get answers at last about Michael, and the information about Stonehaven, Sebastian, etc. etc. was all really interesting. I was surprised that Michael and Co. actually know what the demon’s human form is called, I thought the “He” they kept referring to was someone in disguise in the town. It’s interesting to learn what the thralls are too, and that they’re innocent. So I guess all those guys who kept staring at Snow weirdly are probably under his spell. But Emilia, though… I’m not sure about her, since before Zoe said she was stronger than most thralls. Perhaps she isn’t under his spell (or at least, not completely) and is working with him for her own reasons, whatever they may be.

    Anyway, moving on to all the info revealed about Stonehaven/the Dawnguard. There was so much to take in but I found it all really interesting and I look forward to seeing more, of Stonehaven especially. I like how you weaved the fantasy stuff into real-world history with the library of Alexandria. There was a lot of information to disperse and you did it well, having Snow there to question and comment so it didn’t turn into a very long-winded monologue for Michael. Although, the information was so interesting I probably wouldn’t have cared if that was the case, but still xD Anyway, I’m curious about Snow’s seemingly extra-magical gift, even though Michael claims she has no magic blood. I’m wondering if he’s actually wrong about that, and she does have some magic in her family tree somewhere. Or maybe, like he thinks, she is something else entirely. Either way, I’m curious to find out. And I feel kind of mean for saying this, but I’m glad that Snow and Michael are (for now) broken up. If they hadn’t it would have seemed very out of place, because regardless of his intentions, as Snow says he still raped Mary and lied to both of them. She’s exactly right, regardless of why he and Emily could have told Mary everything from the beginning and then let her make her own choice. Still, despite the fact I feel their break-up had to happen I think you really handled the emotions well throughout that scene and I felt really sorry for both of them. More for Snow than Michael, but I did feel a bit of pity for him as well even though he has no-one to blame but himself.

    Finally, I can say with great certainty that I absolutely did not expect Sara to show up there at the end, and alive to boot. When she appeared before, I fully thought she was some variation on a Guide. And even if I had suspected that she somehow survived, I would never would have expected her to be hiding out at Michael’s. I suppose this means she was “S” after all. Still, if Sara didn’t die, then who/what was the doppelganger in her coffin? My first thought was that it could be a magically enhanced replica of her body, created by Michael or maybe Zoe. Or maybe Sara has a secret evil/not so evil twin :P Still, I’m curious as to how Michael came to be harbouring her in his mansion. Clearly someone wanted to kill Sara, and presumably they were convinced that they did so. And although she could very well be bluffing, considering that JTG has referred to Sara as being dead in the past I’m wondering if this is something even she didn’t know about. Anyway, overall, like I said before this was a really good chapter. There was so much information revealed, so much I didn’t expect, and I’m really eager to see what happens next and how it effects all the other plotlines going on right now. I mean, when Clara gets around to calling/visiting Snow and telling her about JTG, how will she act now she knows Sara is still alive? Regardless, I’m going to be waiting very eagerly for the next chapter.

    Commented on: September 2, 2017

  • Snowfall

    Hehe, well in this chapter you certainly showed your talent at mood whiplashing xD It was a nice moment between Jacob and Clara, filled with hope and optimism that he might recover, only for Clara to suddenly get that call and have her life (as well as her friends) plunged into possible doom in the very next moment. I’m very nervous but curious to see what happens with JTG. I’m worried for all of them, but I’m still excited to see what happens because it feels like we’ll finally get a lot of answers I’ve been waiting for a long time for – who JTG is, and what her motives against the group are., etc And I’ll quietly hope everyone gets out of this encounter unscathed, but somehow I just don’t see that happening :/ Anyway, I’ve already read the next chapter so I know what happens with Snow finally finding out about Michael raping Mary, so I’ll save my thoughts about that until the next comment. Originally, I was going to say how curious I was to read the next chapter and see what her reaction is, and that I was mad at you for teasing me again without providing the answers xD Still, I think you built up to that final line well, leaving us in suspense for a while before revealing that Snow did indeed watch the video and needs answers.

    I was surprised to see Divinity and Sienna at the end there, even though it was only for a moment. I fully didn’t expect them to appear until later on. I’m a little confused, though, since I thought Divinity was the entire country/continent/world, etc, rather than one city. But I guess that was just me jumping to conclusions xD Still, I’m curious about where this city and Sienna’s world are. Is it a parallel world, or is it on Earth but hidden from view like Stonehaven? I think a parallel world is more likely, but even so, I’m curious to learn more about it. Sienna isn’t what I expected either. I don’t know why, but even though I knew almost nothing about her I always imagined her as a brunette xD Still, she seems interesting and I’m really curious to see what happens in this possible war between the coven and Michael/Sienna and Co.

    Anyway, overall, this was a very good chapter. You’re doing a really good job at building this climax and juggling the three storylines at once: JTG’s game, Snow and Michael’s confrontation, and the possible war with the coven. I’m impressed at the way they are all coming together and I can’t even tell what I’m most eager to read about. 

    Commented on: September 2, 2017

  • Snowfall

    Okay, you need to stop doing this to me. I am but a poor maiden who cannot take this cruel teasing anymore xD Finally, Snow is sent something that will change things forever between her and Michael and yet of course I have to wait until a future chapter to find out :P Although who knows? Perhaps the video is something else entirely and has nothing to do with the Michael and Mary thing at all and I’m being trolled even more than I realise :P Still, despite her interrupting Snow seeing that video, I liked the short scene between Ariana and Snow, although of course it was very sad :( It highlighted something I hadn’t really thought about, which is that even if the JTG situation/Michael’s war or whatever it is that’s coming gets resolved peacefully, there’s still a lot of things in Snow’s life that won’t be resolved – like Ariana’s impending illness and death, and the emotional effect all of the current events will have on them.

    Anyway, onto Steven’s findings. To say I’m nervous about this is an understatement. He’s still the person I’m most suspicious of, and if I’m right, then I’m extremely worried for Jackson. Particularly since at the moment I feel like Jackson is the most expendable of the gang (although of course I don’t really know enough to form a proper assessment on this) so if anyone dies in the next few chapters my bet’s on him. Anyway, it just seems like if he is JTG, he’s practically controlling where they go right now (whilst not giving them too much info, like an exact location, which would seem suspicious) which fits perfectly to her M.O.. But of course, if JTG isn’t Steven then she’s probably just using the fact he’s been trying to track her to get them in the right place. So in that case, he’d be her pawn rather than the instigator. Either way, I’m scared :P

    The ending with Gwen was surprising, to say the very least. I wasn’t expecting to find out more about her so soon, so that made me happy. First, I’m rather ashamed to admit I never considered that Gwen was a werewolf (Sorry, moonlight intolerant :P). Here I was, all convinced she was a chimera-like person infused with a dog’s DNA or something like that, and yet I never considered werewolf, which is such a fantasy classic. Duh Gen :P And secondly, I never considered Gwen being Michael’s sister, or even remotely related to him at all, so that was a big surprise. I’m curious to see how Snow and the gang react to that if/when they find out about that. And also, I liked the extra information given about the Coven, and Michael’s family too. I wonder how his father died, though. I don’t know, I feel like that will be important. Missing parents are always important! :P Ahem. I may have been watching too many movies xD Perhaps he just died of something completely natural. Anyway, I want to learn more about Gwen and Michael’s mother, too. I wonder why Gwen doesn’t like her. I mean, it sounds to me like she sacrificed a lot to keep Gwen safe from the Coven and their dad, but then Gwen says she hates her. Is she just being a rebellious teenager, or is there something else going on that I don’t know about? Or both? :P I guess I will just have to wait to find out. Anyway, overall this was a really good chapter. There were a lot of interesting relevations and characters going places and given the last few paragraph’s from Snow’s POV I can tell it’s going to be a race to the finish from here. I can only sit here and hope in vain that everyone gets out of the next few chapters unscathed.

    Anyway, before I go, Stark Outfitting and Winter Gear xD That’s a name that’s up there with Game of Scones :P The residents of Mistbrook Falls are clearly GoT fans xD Speaking of, I watched the season 7 finale earlier today. I won’t say anything in case you haven’t seen it yet, but eeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!!! :P

    Commented on: August 28, 2017

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! Heh, I can’t say that the tension in the first part of the chapter was deliberate xD I didn’t even consider that Theresa might sell them out. Although, in my mind it’s not something she would ever do, since she’s a strong supporter of the rebellion and far from a fan of the Gifted in general. She’s seen them use their powers and strength to do a lot of bad things and hurt the people close to her time and time again. Still, obviously I haven’t really touched upon this so I can see why you thought she might sell them out. Luckily for them, she (and everyone else in the brothel) didn’t :P

    As for Sam, although she knows that Hahana is right and Janelle didn’t mean to hurt her, she does still feel slightly betrayed by her actions. Like you say, she threw away something they’d worked so hard for, something they’d been thinking of and trying to do for almost five years at that point. Their united desire to overthrow the Gifted is what formed the basis of their friendship in the first place. So long story short, Sam’s pretty bummed about it :P Anyway, I’m glad I got to write that scene with her and Hahana. Originally I was going to write about her feelings over Janelle leaving in Carey’s POV (and thus the equivalent version of that conversation happened with Carey instead) but I just didn’t feel like Sam would open up so quickly about this with Carey and the whole tone of the scene would have been a lot more bitter and confrontational than it ended up being with Hahana. As for Maui, he and Jorah are rather alike in this regard, aren’t they :/ A support group might do them both some good :P

    Heh, 256 knew the game was up the minute Sam accused him of listening in xD Besides which, he’s an honest person whose guilty conscience was working in overdrive during that scene :P Anyway, 256 knows that 440 changed after he was punished and he had some idea of what he was really like – after all, although he didn’t know 440 actually did try to rape Carey, he threatened to at one point beforehand. Still, he never truly believed 440 would actually go through with it, so to find out he did is rather shocking and will certainly change things. And I assume the peephole is still there :P I can’t say I’ve really thought about it since that chapter it featured in, but I don’t think anyone would have been bothered to remove it xD

    Commented on: August 4, 2017

  • Snowfall

    Well, I must say I’m exceptionally glad that both Snow and Rachel survived their inevitable fall :P You had me pretty worried after the last chapter (and the title of this one :P) so I went in expecting the worst. Anyway, I’m happy they managed to both come out of this relatively unharmed. You did a really good job of maintaining the tension throughout the chapter, and because of that I didn’t feel like Snow was truly safe right until the very end. I have to say, though, Snow should consider a career as an actress xD She makes a good JTG :P Anyway, I was very worried throughout that period of time, wondering if Rachel would buy her act or not. I liked how she kind of remained on the fence about it the whole time, sort of convinced but at the same time, never truly sure. It was more interesting than if she’d seen through it, or if she’d been completely convinced right away.

    Anyway, I liked the characterisation of Rachel in this chapter. I like her a lot. I’m not really sure why, because even though she was nice at the end, she spent the first half of the chapter holding Snow at gunpoint and then tackled her off a cliff :P Maybe it’s because she has the same name as my twin so I keep thinking of her even though they’re nothing alike xD Plus, I’m not the biggest fan of heights either so I was definitely feeling for her when she and Snow were hanging on that branch. Anyway, I find her a really interesting character and I was happy to see that she and Snow managed to end their confrontation peacefully at the end. It wasn’t what I expected, and it was nice to see Snow with a bit of hope, too. I still can’t completely rule Rachel out as JTG (or part of the team, at least) but at this point I’d be extremely surprised if she turned out to be involved.

    I have to say, I was quite surprised that Snow told Rachel about Tony and Miranda. I mean, it makes perfect sense she would tell her (especially considering her JTG guise) but it’s just not something I really thought of, for some reason. But regardless, I felt very sorry for Rachel during that scene :/ I can only imagine how horrible to learn something like that had happened right under your nose. I’m also very curious to see what Rachel will do now she knows the truth. It doesn’t sound like she’s going to tell the police (not yet, anyway) and I’m not sure what else she could be planning right now. I’m also curious about all that surveillance equipment too, and how it will impact the story from now. Surely Snow and Co. will use it at some point, given that Rachel offered it up in this chapter. I hope they’ll be able to use it to somehow get JTG on camera and therefore figure out who she is, but… Well, considering JTG knew exactly where Rachel and Snow were and even threw them that rope, it’s clear she was somehow watching them and probably followed them back to Michael’s house. Therefore she probably knows about that conversation too, so she might be able to use it to get them focusing on the wrong person again or something like that :/

    Anyway, all this new information about Tony, Sara’s stepdad and what they were doing on Labour Day was very interesting too. I’m really curious to find out what happened because right now I’m really finding it difficult to piece together. It seems likely now that Tony was planning to kill Miranda that night, regardless of whether he actually ended up being involved with her murder or not. But how that relates to whatever he was doing with Rick is unclear, if they are related at all. This chapter raised so many questions and I’m really looking forward to seeing what the answers are, because at the moment I’m not having much success forming any legitimate theories :P Anyway, overall this was a really tense, well-written chapter with lots of new mysteries. I’m eager to read the next chapter and see what happens next.

    Commented on: July 26, 2017

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! Aww, I’m sorry to hear things have gotten worse with your grandmother :/ I hope things will start to get better soon, but it all sounds rather omninous :( Anyway, I’m no good at navigating either. I did orienteering once with Girl Guides, many years ago, and let’s just say I did not do well :P It’s always bugged me how little time my characters spend getting lost when they’re going places, because I know if they were real they would, but I don’t have time for that so some of them became SuperNavigators xD Heh, well I’m glad you don’t recall Sam ever calling 805 by his number, because it’s something I have tried hard not to make her do up until now. I know I slipped up at least once which I have since corrected, but it took me a while after posting to notice it. And I wouldn’t be surprised if there are more instances I haven’t found yet :P Anyway, I didn’t really plan on breaking that trend with this chapter, but when I was writing it just seemed natural for her to say his number at last. I guess their trip to the graveyard affected Sam more than I originally thought it would xD

    The info about the Leader in this chapter is something I’ve been trying to squeeze in for a while. It’s not really essential to know all this right now, but I didn’t want to delay it any further since I know I won’t have room for it anywhere else in Cursed xD Anyway, originally I wanted 256 to have POV in this chapter and thus his reasons for deciding to leave with Carey and the gang were explained in more detail. But since I went with Carey’s POV in the end, that part was cut and therefore his decision does seem very sudden as a result :/.Still, in future POVs 256 will reflect on why he decided to leave instead of staying with his family so I hope that will make up for it. It’s not a supposed to be a major spoiler and I could go into it right now, but I’m lazy and I suppose if I did it would make that future chapter a bit more boring for you if you’ve already heard his reasons xD As for 805, if he had a clear idea of where he could go and what to do next I think he would leave them. But he just doesn’t have that so he’s resigned himself to staying with the gang, at least for now. Part of it is due to his Gifted upbringing; he’s always been told where to go and what he’s supposed to be doing, and now he’s on his own he doesn’t have any idea where to start. And of course, he’s fonder of their little gang than he cares to admit :P Sam does come under that umbrella, of course, but he’s not staying specifically because of her (sorry xD).

    Oh, I see. You’re one of those people :P When I was writing that scene I was definitely channelling the innkeeper rather than Janelle xD Too many times has a customer at work presented me with a handful of 5 cent coins I am then expected to count. Pretty much everything he said to Janelle is what goes through my mind whenever that happens. Although unlike him, I don’t voice my contempt out loud and just stew in silence :P  Hehe, well I still think you’re just as good at mood whiplashing so I insist the crown stays shared xD Anyway, I’m glad Janelle ad Ben’s scene was good, and that the reveal at the end was surprising. Their whole scene contained a lot of things I’ve been itching to mention for some time – namely, the stuff about Ben’s past and sexuality and of course, the Reagan thing :P Still, I’m not completely happy with the way it turned out, particularly the way I revealed he’s bisexual – having him slip up on the gender pronouns just seems rather cliché to me :/ I tried to write it more in the subtext originally but it just seemed really unnatural and not obvious enough that way. And short of having him actually admit it outright (which he’s not going to do considering A) he and his boyfriend were run out of town for their relationship, and B) in this world even someone he likes and trusts like Janelle probably has a very heteronormative view of society), there wasn’t much else I could do :/ Still, I’m glad you enjoyed the chapter and I hope it isn’t too bad overall. There was a lot to cram in and I ended up not going into as much depth about certain things as I’d like to have, so it all seems rather forced to me. And the fact this chapter was a product of months of dithering and changing and general frustration didn’t help either. I think I ended up scrapping what I had and starting from scratch around 4 times. But in the end, I’m just happy I finally managed to get through it and post something. Now I can move on xD

    Commented on: July 18, 2017

  • Snowfall

    Steven’s plan of backtracking JTG’s texts has me worried. I’m still rather suspicious of him, and if I’m right and he is JTG then this can only lead to something bad for the rest of the gang. I mean, assuming that theory is correct, he could pretend to be successful and “find” where she was when she sent the texts, or something like that. Then say he tells them a particular place in the town was where she often texted from, he could send them there and place a trap as a part of his plan for them. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense, by the way. It’s getting late and I’m running on 5 hours of sleep as it is xD Anyway, if I’m wrong and he isn’t JTG then of course as he pointed out I highly doubt she’ll appreciate them trying to track her. And since we know she’s capable of murder, I’m more than a little worried about what she will do.

    It was interesting to see how Mary has changed since Michael told her the truth and she found out magic is real. It was quite surprising, too – I mean, it’s hard to tell since we only really have their dialogue to go on, but it seems like a perception filter or something like that has been lifted in her mind, if she’s suddenly able to see a whole other world outside his window. At least, that’s what it sounded like. Maybe she only saw something small, it’s hard to tell at this point :P Anyway, I’m glad she told Michael that he should tell Snow about it directly. I mean, she’s completely right, whatever it is Snow will be much more willing to forgive if it comes from Michael himself instead of someone else. But still, I just get the feeling that this is not what will end up happening. I feel like JTG or someone else will get there first before Michael has a chance to tell her, and if that happens I’m not sure if she will forgive him at all. Which may be a good or a bad thing, I’m not sure yet :P

    Anyway, as for that ending, I was certainly surprised to see Rachel enter the scene so soon, and in such a dramatic way too :P I knew she’d show up eventually to try and get revenge for Miranda, but I thought it wouldn’t be for a while. Still, not only am I very worried for Snow, I’m really curious to see what happens next and if she falls for Snow’s façade. It’s a clever ruse to pretend she’s JTG to gain Rachel’s trust (or her fear :P) so if she can pull it off convincingly I can see this possibly ending in a positive outcome. But then, we still know next to nothing about Rachel so it’s hard to tell if she will fall for it or realise Snow is lying. Either way, considering their location I really hope Snowfall doesn’t become a literal title :( And assuming Snow does make it out alive, I hope the situation ends with a positive outcome in some way, since the group needs that more than ever right now. And I hope that Rachel doesn’t die either, because since I’m 95% sure she isn’t secretly JTG I don’t think she’s a bad person. As far as I know, she just wants justice for her daughter. But I don’t know, I just get the feeling that one of them won’t survive and if that happens my bet would be that she is the one who falls of the cliff/gets shot. Anyway, regardless I’m definitely going to be very worried for Snow and a little bit for Rachel until the next chapter.

    And lastly, I applaud your chapter title :P Now I have Victorious stuck in my head, but that’s ok because it’s such a great song xD

    Commented on: July 3, 2017

  • Snowfall

    Sorry for taking a long time to read this :/ I haven’t been felling very well these past few weeks. Anyway, I must say you scared me quite a bit coming into this with that chapter title :P Which was undoubtedly your intention, but still xD I’m exceptionally glad that nobody died. I was quite certain that Jackson wouldn’t make it or would be worse injured than he was, but in this case I’m glad to be wrong. I really liked the way you kept the tension up throughout this entire chapter. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time, certain that something really bad would happen and that Jackson/Snow and later Mary/Michael would be badly injured/killed. It was only at the end I could breathe a sigh of relief, but of course, by then there was so much else to think about. I wonder what JTG was referring to at the end. I don’t have much of an idea how Tony could be involved – after all, Sara was the one to push her, the girls saw it so unless he’s got some shape-shifting power I don’t know about I don’t see how he could be involved in that :P I guess whatever it was must have happened just before, but I haven’t got much of an idea of what it could be. Anything I think of just doesn’t seem very likely. Still, the way JTG worded that message makes me even more convinced that she and Tony have been in cahoots (my new favourite word :P) before, aside from JTG simply sending him and Rachel that photo. I mean, she says “don’t forget” – surely she must have told him something to forget before :P Otherwise, that’s just unreasonable xD Of course, it’s not like reasonable is a word that describes JTG, but eh, it could mean something. I should stop rambling now, shouldn’t I? :P

    Anyway, I should get this out of the way before I change my mind: Michael’s pretty badass xD Still, I’m a bit annoyed at you because I was getting super excited during the part with Michael and Mary, thinking he’d tell her why he raped her and I’d find out if I was right but then you go around and make him tell her off-page :P Still, now that she knows I don’t think it will be too long until the audience finds out, so I guess I’ll just have to exercise some more patience xD Anyway, speaking of that scene in general, I was quite surprised that Michael did tell her. It’s not something I ever really thought would happen – I thought the first person to find out would be Snow when JTG/someone else revealed it to her behind his back. Now, that could still happen, of course, but (depending on what it is) it’ll certainly be interesting to see what Mary says if Snow asks her about it. Anyway, it’s good he did tell her, because as they both said I think she certainly deserves to know why. Still, overall I think he’s handled the whole situation badly regardless of what he did in this chapter, but I’ll reserve further judgment for now until I hear his reasons.

    Anyway, I found Tony and Snow’s conversations interesting (and tense) in this chapter. Particularly the part near the end when she thought she’d found a way to talk him down through their shared pain. I was a little sceptical when he was answering her and seeming to sympathise her since it was such a change from before, so I wasn’t too surprised when he revealed he was faking it. Still, those scars are surely real, so I’m curious what the story behind them is. Particularly considering the way he spoke about rape to Snow beforehand – his emotions then seemed real to me. Maybe he was raped and that’s what drove him to attempt suicide? That seems like the most likely scenario to me at the moment, but it could easily be something else since it’s not like I have all the information. Anyway, overall this was a really tense and thought-provoking chapter. I really want to find out what happens next, especially with Mary now she knows the truth – unless Michael lied, but I don’t think he would have. Anyway, I’m so sorry again for being so late with this >.<

    Commented on: May 27, 2017

  • Stories from the Island

    Thanks for the comment! And you didn’t forget, 913’s death has never been mentioned in the main story :P 256 has always thought of her as being alive because he’s never seen any evidence to suggest otherwise. But now he knows 440 died while they were apart he’ll probably start to consider the possibility that she’s died too while before it wouldn’t have even crossed his mind. Still, in all likeliness he’ll never find out the truth, but the Council would have a record of her death hidden away somewhere so it’s not impossible that he’ll find out one day.  Anyway, although 913 certainly does think killing herself will keep 256 safe since she’d no longer be around to “tempt” him back into attachedness (and we all know how well that worked for him :P), I wouldn’t say that she didn’t want to die. I mean, to have thoughts like that – that someone would be better off if you died, whether it’s true or not – I don’t think anyone could have a thought like that and follow through with suicide if they truly wanted to keep on living. It’s a combination, I suppose, of both the despair and psychological damage her punishment left as well as her desire to protect 256 that led to her decision.

    As for the Leader, he certainly is very different from the present holder of that title :P I think diplomatic is a very good word to describe him. His more rational attitude is partly because he’s older and has a lot more experience under his belt than the current Leader. By this story, he’s been Leader for over thirty years and would stay in power for another ten up until his death. The present Leader has only been in the position for two years and is currently in charge of a Council made up of people who are at least 25+ years older than her (she’s 23). And although this hasn’t been mentioned yet, she’s also the first female Leader, so she feels like she has a lot to prove. Anyway, I’ll shut up about her now because I find her fascinating and I’ll reveal way too much if I keep going the way I am :P

    Heh, douche is exactly the right word to call 4450. He certainly deserves it, but if anyone accused him of being a rapist he’d be mortally offended. To him, Servants are not real people and unfortunately he’s not the only one with that opinion :/ Focussing on the Council + the Leader since they’re the ones with personal Servants, I’d say around ¾ of them (including both Leaders) have the basic morality to, you know, not rape their Servants on a regular basis. They’d use them for cleaning, cooking, etc., but not that. Still, there’s still a sizable amount of Council members and ordinary Gifted who do, and there’s no law saying they can’t so they get away scot-free most of the time :/ Anyway, I don’t blame you for feeling a little sorry for 4450 for having to remember the image or her body for the rest of his life – I do too, since it’s not something I’d wish on anyone. Still, better him than anyone else, that’s what I think. 

    Commented on: April 19, 2017

  • Snowfall

    Well, this was certainly an interesting (and frightening :/) chapter :P Brad’s opinions about Snow at the beginning worried me a little. I mean, I can understand why he sees Snow as a threat, if the person they keep talking about really does need her for his diabolical plan. And although it pains me greatly to say it, if killing Snow would help save the other 7 billion people in the world (or even more than that, since this is technically the future :P) then I’d have to support him. But since Zoe said it wouldn’t make a difference (and she’s clearly a far more neutral party than dear old Michael) then I can’t see any reason to justify kill Snow. I hope the fact she’s dismissed the idea will deter Brad, but… I don’t know. I just get this vibe that if the situation becomes even worse – say if Zoe dies, which is the main scenario I’m imagining right now - then he might try it anyway in desperation.

    It was sad to see the reaction of all the girls’ to Sara’s files :/ Even though they knew (or had strong inklings) about what Sara was really like, it’s got to be hard to hear something like that. I’m not entirely convinced that JTG isn’t the one behind those files, though. After all, she’s obviously been on Sara’s computer if she was able to make it burn-out when they managed to get into it. That said, it doesn’t make much sense that JTG would change the contents of the laptop if she didn’t intend them to have access in the first place, so I think it’s more likely Sara really was the one who wrote them. Still, I’ll keep that thought in the back of my mind, just in case. I mean, it seems like something Sara would write, but… I don’t know. I guess it’s her thoughts about Snow that make me think JTG might have had a role. I do believe that Sara loved Snow, and her words on her specifically seemed a bit harsh, I suppose. Anyway, moving on. It’s interesting that Sara seemed to think Nikki was the one most likely to be JTG. I guess out of the four girls I’d pick her too, mostly because she’s the one we get the least perspective from so it’s harder to rule her out :P Still, even saying that, she’s not high on my list of suspicions. If I were to pick someone out of the inner group to be JTG, my money’s on Steven. I’ve been a little suspicious of him for a while now but after the computer blew up in the last chapter my suspicion has grown since it would have been pretty easy for him to set that up himself and feign anger when it happened. I wouldn’t say I’m dead sure about it, not at all, but… I don’t know. I get a vibe :P A small one, but it’s definitely there.

    Anyway, moving on from my ramblings, Clara’s part of the chapter raised a few questions too. I’m quite curious about Gwen the dog girl :P Her animal-like qualities reminds me of the chimeras from the manga version of Fullmetal Alchemist, although I doubt that’s what influenced you xD Anyway, right now I’m wondering if she actually is a magical person infused with the behaviour/mannerisms of a dog or if that’s just the way she is :P Regardless, I’m curious to see what her role will be. Anyway, the part with Clara and Jacob was both heartwarming and sad at the same time. I was kind of disappointed she didn’t tell him what had happened. Of course, I understand completely why she didn’t – after all, JTG’s shown she’s perfectly willing to kill so Clara’s rightfully not going to take her threat lightly, but… I don’t know. It just makes me sad, I suppose, for both of them. Jacob’s going to find out eventually and it’s going to be so much worse now that they’ve confessed their feelings to each other :/

    Well, that confrontation with Tony at the end went about as well as I expected :/ I believe Tony when he says he’s not JTG. I never really thought he was (Rachel, though, I can’t rule out). Still, I don’t altogether believe him when he says he doesn’t know who JTG is, or his claim that they haven’t been working together and he and Rachel have been completely unsuccessful in their attempts to spy on the girls. I think it’s possible they’ve been working together more than he’s implying. Or he could be telling the complete truth, I don’t really know :P Anyway, regardless of JTG’s role I’m very worried about Jackson and Snow right now :/ I have no idea how they’re going to get out of this one. I’m slightly more worried about Jackson, since at this point he seems more expendable than Snow so I think he’s more likely to get killed/injured. Still, hopefully once they tell him the others are ready and waiting to send the video on Tony will reconsider, since having murder on his head as well as statutory rape will only tarnish his chances even more. But who knows, really, Tony seems pretty desperate right now >.< I’m going to be very worried until the next chapter, that’s for sure.

    Commented on: April 14, 2017

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! And don’t you know breaking hearts is the most fun a person can have in life :P Muahahaha. Ahem. Anyway, I’m glad you thought this chapter was well-written and that the fighting was interesting. I’ve never really written something like this before, where it’s just fight after fight after fight for a long stretch. It took its toll on me, and I wasn’t altogether sure that it stayed interesting. I try to vary things as much as I can (hence why Janelle happened to run into the only two Gifted who weren’t Gifts of Air :P) and make people use different weapons, so I’m glad it was effective. Anyway, I guess Janelle’s problem is that she’s expecting the worst without hoping for the best at all :P She finds it impossible to see a situation where they’ll come out on top, and that, like Ben/you point out, is pretty bad for morale all round. Heh, Benelle works quite well as a shipping name, doesn’t it xD It helps when they have letters in common in convenient places :P Still, Janelle certainly has quite a way to go before she’s ready for another relationship. She’s still not over Reagan and even is she was at peace with his death, letting someone else in would mean potentially losing them in the same way she lost him. And who knows? Maybe she’ll lose Ben too and they’ll never get to talk at all ;)

    I always knew that Brooke would die in this fight. Ever since she and Evelyn entered the story, I knew I would kill one of them and I knew it would be Brooke. I did try and throw the scent of her a little, by making Janelle and Wesley talk about Carey. I mean, whenever someone says “I’ll see you when I get back” or “you’ll see her when you get back” that person’s going to die, right? :P I guess my attempts were fruitless though, cos you figured out it would be Evelyn/Brooke anyway xD Anyway, Brooke’s death will certainly effect them all, even the ones who didn’t know her all that well. I guess none of them ever expected her to die. Even without realising it, they sort of felt she had this… Immunity, I suppose, because of her age. But no, she’s just as likely to die as anyone else – maybe more than anybody, actually, since she’s young and therefore not as strong physically as the older characters. But now they’ll realise more than ever that they are fighting a war where the innocent will be caught in the middle, where fourteen year old girls and any other vulnerable people are just as in danger as everyone else.

    By the rebel’s standards, this battle was technically a victory despite the massive casualties. They did do what they set out to do, after all – they killed quite a number of Gifted and made a point. But I suppose what this chapter aims to point out is that the rebels can train and fight as hard as they can but they’ll always be at a disadvantage because the Gifted are simply better prepared; they’re better trained and they have powers the rebels don’t. Being a ragtag bunch of misfits can only get you so far :P I can’t say much else than that because it’ll be addressed in later chapters, but the rebels will be at the end of the line very soon if things keep going the way they have.

    Commented on: March 14, 2017

  • Snowfall

    Well, I’m glad Snow finally remembered the morning-after pill. Better late (but not too late :P) than never, I guess xD Anyway, I really liked the scene in the pharmacy. I was excited to see Rose again, not to mention the reappearance of Snow’s future daughter :P Still, her appearance was rather worrying. I’m not sure if I believe her time-travelling excuse. She could be saying it to throw Snow of the scent. Perhaps she’s a guide, like Rose, which means she might be dead in the future and that’s what she was upset about. But I don’t think that’s very likely, since it seemed like whatever made her sad wasn’t to do with herself being dead or injured. Still, I wouldn’t rule it out. But if she really is a time-traveller and if it did happen to someone else, than what and who was she so sad about? She said it wasn’t Snow, and the only other people I know she would know are Michael, and maybe Kayla (I assume the first Ariana will already be dead by then, unless a miracle happens). But focusing on Michael, you’d think if he were dead then the second Ariana would be visiting him rather than Snow. Unless she just popped in to perk Snow up before going home after spending time with him :P Anyway, her visit led to a lot of new mysteries and I’m curious to see if she’ll appear again.

    Poor Sophia :( I hadn’t really thought of Mike’s (the first one :P) death in a while so it was good to be reminded of him. But it was very sad to see how Snow’s drinking, driving and suicide attempt affected her because it’s something you didn’t touch on when it originally happened. Snow’s thoughts about her selfishness were also really sad to read. I don’t think she’s selfish for not thinking of how her actions affect others 24/7. I mean, it’s practically impossible for someone to constantly consider others every single time they do something, especially if they, as Sophia said, have just been through emotional trauma like Snow finding out her Mum is dying. Even the most selfless person in the world could overlook someone’s feelings in that situation.

    I have a feeling that Clara’s secret is not going to be secret for much longer. JTG or no, she just seems to be reaching her breaking point. What with Jacob talking about his chair and how it’s affected him, not to mention him wanting to meet her the next day, it just feels like she won’t be able to keep it a secret. If she does tell him, I wonder what JTG will do. I guess it will depend on how Jacob reacts, I suppose, but I’m sure JTG won’t be happy either way. Or maybe I’m completely wrong and she goes to meet him without any mention of her role in his accident :P Anyway, overall I really liked that part of the chapter. It was really sweet to see the trust Jacob and Clara have developed. It was interesting (and sad) to see his thoughts on how the accident affected him too. I’m glad he’s managed to come to terms with it, at least partly. I mean, even if he does manage to gain back enough function to walk again, he’s probably never going to go back completely to what it was like before – at least, it would be very unlikely. Anyway, I’m really looking forward to seeing what happens when he and Clara meet up. Even if she doesn’t end up telling him, I get the feeling something will happen.

    Well, of course they don’t get access to everything on Sara’s computer :P I really should have expected that, but for some reason I didn’t xD Damn JTG/Sara for covering their tracks. At least they have a line of files, right? :P Particularly since one of those files provides the evidence they need against Tony. Still, that’s only one video. I want to see what else was in that line of files xD Anyway, I wonder why Miranda wanted to destroy Tony. I mean, clearly he’s lacking a decent moral code, but I wonder what it is she wanted that destroying him could achieve. I’m really excited but nervous to see what happens next. I’m worried about Snow’s plan. I don’t think Tony will be all that convinced not to sell them out with their secrets even if they act like they don’t care and he’s brought down with it, either from the police or his wife finding out about his affair with Miranda. I mean, for Clara, Snow, and Mary, jailtime could be involved. Still, I agree that they’ve got to do something, so I guess it’s worth a shot. But I’m still not as convinced as they are that Tony (and Rachel) are the only people involved as JTG. I mean, for Tony at least, if he has a successful career surely he doesn’t have time to stalk a group of teenagers and send them texts that relate to what they’re doing right then. Sure, Rachel could be doing it – I can’t remember if you mentioned a job for her – but even so, that’s a lot of kids to cover at once for one person :P I still feel like there’s someone else, maybe even just a (possibly magical) lackey, who’s involved.

    Wow, Emilia’s much more badass than I thought. At least, I think it was her fighting Zoe at the end. I don’t quite remember what she looks like, but it sounded like her to me. Still, I’ll be super embarrassed if it turns out it’s not actually her after I’ve said all this xD I’m not an idiot, honest. I just seem like one :P I wonder if she really is dead after that. I guess we’ll find out soon, but I feel kind of sorry for her if she is even though she’d be perfectly happy for Zoe to be dead. Anyway, I’m excited now because it seems like some of the magical stuff in this story won’t stay secret for much longer xD I’m looking forward to meeting this infamous coven, and Sienna if she appears this early (which judging from your earlier comments I’m guessing not), Still, something’s certainly going to happen very soon.

    Commented on: February 21, 2017

  • Stories from the Island

    Thanks for the comment! I’m really glad you liked this chapter :) To say I had trouble writing it is an understatement :P Romance really isn’t one of my strong suits, and I made it 10 times harder for myself by using a male POV. Most of the scribblings I already had for this chapter were from Michelle’s POV, but I knew if I was going to post it I’d change it to 805’s since he’s the one who’s still alive in the main story. Hopefully he was convincing :P Anyway, I don’t think Romeo and Juliet is that bad a comparison to make – I mean, they’re not exactly alike (at least, I hope they’re not :P) but they certainly have the classic star-crossed lovers thing going for them. As for the woman in his dream, both his mother and his trainer are good guesses. I mean, although yes he’s never met his mother the woman in his dream could simply be how he imagines her to be. And obviously his trainer is someone he’s actually met so that’s certainly a possibility too. Anyway, I’m not sure if I’ll ever reveal who she is so keep forming theories :P I’d like to, but unless I decide to write another side story about it (which I don’t plan to at the moment) she probably won’t come up because it’s not something 805 likes to mention at all. So unless someone catches him drunk again there’s not much chance that he’ll talk about her :P

    Anyway, 805 at 22 is certainly very different to 47/48 year old 805. A lot of his bitterness and his generally cynical view of the Gifted/nonGifted divide stems from how his and Michelle’s relationship ended, so at this point he has yet to really develop that until he gets back to the Council and has to deal with the loneliness of their separation. He’s not particularly optimistic and he’s obviously dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts by this point of his life, but he still has a certain naivety, I suppose, which he’s lost almost completely later on. Anyway, you’re right that Michelle did want to tell him she was pregnant initially, and that she fears what he would have done if he knew. I’m glad that got through, because it’s something I feared was lost when I switched it from her POV to 805’s. Anyway, thanks again for the comment! Heh, that does sound like something fangirls would say, doesn’t it :P And hey, maybe you and Hahana aren’t the only ones. Present day 805 is rather famous among the Gifted, particularly the Gifts of Earth, so he may have some more there xD

    Commented on: February 6, 2017

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! I’m glad you liked Janelle’s part of the chapter :) I’m not the best at action and stuff so I’m glad it seemed okay. Particularly the earth prison, because I realised the Gifts of Earth in this story haven’t really shown much of their actual earth-manipulating (I will not say bending. I will not even though its so tempting :P) powers, so I decided to add that in. Anyway, Janelle feels pretty much exactly the same about Lena. She knows it’s hardly practical to bring a pregnant girl along and that she could be a huge liability depending on how their mission goes. But she believes after her and Wesley’s involvement in Alex’s death she can’t really refuse Lena’s wish. Still, she’s thrown a spanner in the works for me because I never intended to have them bring her along :P Killing Alex was a rather spur of the moment decision, and Lena was never going to appear in person originally and her existence in the story would have purely been Alex mentioning her when he met Janelle. But once she was appeared in person I really liked her and I felt like she wouldn't want to stay in the village so I had to make her join them. Heh, quite a battle looming… Well, I hope there will be xD I’ll do my best, but I’m not much of a strategist (there’s a reason I don’t play chess or games of that ilk :P) so I’m rather nervous about how it will turn out. There won’t be a Vale Ex Machina, I can promise you that, but there's a sizable chance it will end up being just as lame xD

    Anyway, you’re right, 256 probably wouldn’t have survived if he hadn’t been Gifted. The medical Servants are far better trained than the average nonGifted doctor and their facilities are better too. And even before he reached the Council, 913 (as his Assessor) was a Gift of Air, so she would have used her Gift on their journey Council to keep him breathing. So long story short, 256 owes his life to her and the Gifted society in general. Anyway, I’m glad you liked his and David’s interactions in this chapter. Throughout this chapter, despite 256’s worries about his parents rejecting his Gift, etc., in the end he’s the only one holding himself back from having a proper relationship with his father and the rest of his family. He does realise that at the end though, that although they might not be truly a family straight away but they could in the future if he puts in the effort to get to know them. David’s already there, ready to learn more about him and the world he’s lived in for nineteen years, while 256 is the uncertain one until he makes that realisation. As for Sarah, yeah the whole situation is very upsetting for her :/ She does believe David’s explanation of why he never told her and she knows he genuinely thought 256 died. But at the same time, it’s a pretty huge secret that he’s been hiding since they met so she definitely feels betrayed by it.

    Hahaha, well while that Star Wars reference certainly wasn’t intentional when I initially noticed this chapter, I noticed it during editing it and considered cutting it before deciding it was too funny to take out :P So it’s semi-intentional, I suppose xD

    Commented on: January 26, 2017

  • Copies of Copies

    I thought the beginning of the chapter – with Ian escaping from his trap and finding himself in this new, strange place that was nothing like he’d been told – was very well done. It was really interesting to read that whole section (actually, the whole chapter, really), and the way you wrote it was very intriguing – the descriptions were good, and you revealed bits of information gradually in a way that made it very interesting to read. Anyway, the fact the soldiers were out and about without any protective gear kind of proves (at least, until further information is available) that the world outside is certainly more inhabitable than they have been told inside. Like Ian, I’m also curious about this “Sector 7” business and the other sectors mentioned – like him, I assume it means more domes. I’m really curious of how the world came to be this way. If the outside is in fact inhabitable, why have they locked everyone away in these cities? It’s all very intriguing and I’m really looking forward to learning more :)

    Anyway, the second half of the chapter, with Ian being captured by Hayley (or her doppelganger, since she doesn’t appear to recognise him) was just as interesting as the first. I’m really curious to see what’s going to happen now he’s been captured by this group of, I assume, rebels of some description. I’m guessing they are clones of the same people Hayley and Co. were cloned from, hence why she looks and sounds like her (excepting her different injuries or disfigurement or whatever it is) and Ian mentioned he vaguely recognised some of the others, so it would make sense. Still, if I’m right, why were they made and how did they escape? I’m definitely keen to find out.

    “and of course his amigo assured him he wasn’t” – once again, I found the use of the word amigo rather strange in this context :P

    In the sentence beginning with “Once I was able to…” near the beginning, you repeated the phrase I was able twice. The repetition sounds a little awkward to read.

    And in regards to your reply to my last comment, I really like that you’ve made Ian leave the dome so quickly, so I don’t think him going outside so early on in the story is anything for you to worry about :) It surprised me, sure, but it was a good surprise, and it means the story is moving forward rather than dragging out, as it might have done if you’d delayed his leaving. Anyway, overall this was another great chapter, definitely my favourite so far. Good work! :)

    Commented on: January 8, 2017

  • Stories from the Island

    Thanks for the comment! I’m glad you liked this story. When I first started writing Gifted I never gave the Servants much thought. They were simply a device I used to explain what happens if the Gifted have children and how the Council/other Gifted headquarters are kept running, but my fascination with them has grown exponentially as I’ve kept writing. They really are slaves in everything but name and even the “good” Gifted are at best uncomfortably dismissive of the way Servants are treated. Like 256 (until recently), they don’t like it, but they choose to ignore it because it makes them feel uncomfortable rather than confront the way Servants are treated. 805, on the other hand, does confront it a bit on a personal level only, but… Well, that’s another story :P

    Anyway, the Servant in this story is a medical Servant, and they are in general treated slightly (emphasis on slightly :P) better than the rest of the Servants because the Gifted are aware they have vital skills that the rest don’t. Supervising medical Servant trainees is a job the Gifted have to do (especially when they’re in the library) but it’s pretty much the most hated job in the Council so whoever has to do it usually feels like they’ve pulled the short straw :P Heh, well I’d like to say that there’s a secret hidden meaning behind the Gift of Fire saying sorry to the Servant. But that would just be a desperate attempt to protect my reputation, because in reality it's just me making a dumb mistake xD You’re right, he really shouldn’t be so polite to the Servant, it was a silly error on my part. I’ll change it :P

    Well, not everything has to end tragically, does it? Just most things :P Heh, although I’m sure there are a lot of Rosas on the island, this one grew up to be the Rosa you’re thinking of. And as for the Servant, well, he grew up to be someone rather important, too ;)

    Commented on: January 8, 2017

  • Stories from the Island

    Thanks for the comment! I’m glad that Janelle’s childness was convincing :P I tried my best, but I wasn’t very convinced I’d done a good job at it. Anyway, she certainly is very different from the way she ends up in the future. She had a normal, rather sheltered childhood for the most part, with loving parents and lots of friends despite her worries in this story that no-one would like her :P Anyway, it wasn’t until later in life that things started to go wrong for her, so she’s a lot more jaded in the main story than she used to be.

     Heh, I have to say out of all the characters I’ve ever created Gina is probably my least favourite so I don’t blame you at all for wanting to punch her :P Anyway, her opinion about Michelle is not an uncommon one in their village :( She had to put up with a lot of crap from the other villagers, and you’re right that it’s mostly because her children have different fathers – but that’s not the reason for Amy’s treatment of Sam. The reason Amy acts the way she does around Samantha is because she has known, almost since she was born, who Sam’s father is. Michelle never told her about her relationship with 805 but she figured it out later on because of various reasons that would take an incredibly long time to explain properly :P Anyway, she guessed her father is Gifted and that’s what makes her wary of Samantha. For the villagers the Gifted are seen as almost non-human a lot of the time, so the idea that a Gifted and a nonGifted could conceive a child is rather mind-boggling for them.

    As for Janelle and Alex, similarly to Janelle and Sam/Thomas, they met when they were young (it’s a small village so it’s pretty much inevitable :P) but they didn’t form a significant relationship until they were much older.  Haha, John really shouldn't say things like that, should he :P Still, in the end he didn't die in a mining accident so somehow he managed to avoid the jinxing magic. I need to find out his secret :P Anyway, thanks again for the comment :)

    Commented on: January 3, 2017

  • Copies of Copies

    This was another interesting chapter, and it ended on quite the cliffhanger too :P I can’t say I was expecting Ian to end up on the outside so soon – I did think it would happen eventually, but not right now so I was surprised. At least the environment (so far) seems to be less hostile than Ian thought. Still, I’m really interested to see what he finds out there. I’m nervous for him, too. After all, something made those soldiers come back in such a bad shape, and they had armour and weapons :/ I’m worried for him. Anyway, back-tracking a bit, I liked the whole build up to Ian being stranded on the outside too. You’ve really built up a lot of intrigue with martial law being instigated and some of the synthetics getting recalled. There’s so much happening we don’t understand and I’m really eager to find out more, so good job :)

    “My amigo added, his rifle never trained away from me” I think amigo is a rather strange word to use in this situation. I don’t know, maybe things are different for you but in my country amigo is more used as a friendly term. Plus it’s not a word usually used at all (in English-speaking countries, anyway) except in jest – although maybe that’s just Australia :P Still, it’s a word I more think of as referring to friends but in this situation it’s a soldier pointing a gun at Ian, so it seemed a bit odd. There was also a moment you slipped into present tense, with this line: “He still hasn’t opened up to me about what they did in there…” I think it would sound better if you wrote hadn’t instead of hasn’t. Anyway, despite these nitpicks, this was a very well-written chapter. Everything flowed smoothly and built up to that ending, making me really excited to see what happens next.

    Commented on: December 29, 2016

  • Copies of Copies

    Sorry again for taking such a long time between comments. One of these days I’ll get myself organised, I promise :P Anyway, this chapter was really good, probably my favourite so far. I’m really curious about what happened to those soldiers, especially if they don’t usually come back in such a state. I guess something must have changed, but it’s hard to form many theories when I don’t yet know what’s out there in the first place :P Anyway, you described the scene where they were moving through the city really well. I don’t know if you’ve seen/read Attack on Titan but I couldn’t help but think of the Survey Corps coming back from a mission all wounded when the soldiers were going to the city centre.

    Anyway, the part with the protester during the Mayor’s speech was really good too. It really shone a light on how their society is in general about people speaking out against the government, and the treatment of synthetics in general. During the protester’s arrest I could really feel Ian’s helplessness, the way he wants to speak up and say something about how they are really treated, but at the same time he knows exactly what will happen if he does so he has no choice but to stay quiet. You captured that feeling really well, particularly with the officer from earlier right there behind Ian.

    I thought you were a little repetitive in the Mayor’s speech, particularly this line: “tore our beautiful planet to shreds, breaking her into pieces” – you’re basically saying the same thing twice here, so I think you could drop the phrase after the comma and it would still make sense. There was another moment in his speech that had a similar problem – when the Mayor says “Now, escort him out of here, get him out of my sight”. Once again, you’re saying the same thing twice, I think it would flw better if you just wrote “Now escort him out of here” or “Now get him out of my sight”. It’s not a big issue - when I point out things like this it shows how I’m grasping at straws to provide some constructive criticism - but I thought I’d mention it anyway.

    ““How – How dare you?” he finally spoke”- Considering that just before that you said the mayor was not the least bit frightened by what happened, I thought it was a bit odd that he stammered with his speech. But like I said, I’m really grasping at straws here :P

    Commented on: December 28, 2016

  • Snowfall

    Aww, thanks! Merry Christmas to you too :) And haha you’re not early at all for me, it’s 5 minutes from Christmas right now, so that’s pretty good timing in my opinion :P

    Commented on: December 24, 2016

  • Snowfall

    Sorry for taking ages to comment on this :/ I just seem to be unable to organise myself lately. Anyway, after the first part of the chapter I’m really wondering what JTG’s plans for Sophia are. I mean, alerting Sophia to her presence just doesn’t seem that smart if her aim is to kill/capture/torture the girls some more, since last time I checked those things are illegal :P But Sophia’s pondering in this chapter made me wonder if there’s more to Miranda’s death than is currently known. Maybe she actually survived the fall and someone finished her off when she was injured. That seems most likely to me, since I think the girls (and Sara too) would have noticed if someone else pushed Miranda too. I know JTG is probably lying to Sophia and just saying Sara and Miranda were killed by the same person to capture her interest, but still, it feels like there’s something missing from the info we currently know about that night.

    Anyway, I thought you wrote “the morning after” part of the chapter well. I liked Snow’s worry that she might not have satisfied Michael due to her inexperience. She’s been dealing with so much lately and those feelings really reminded me that she, despite acting mature most of the time, is only sixteen. And of course, that thought led to the inevitable gain of a few creepiness points for Michael :P As for Snow’s pregnancy scare, I’ll admit I’m a little apprehensive about it. Simply because I’m not quite sure where you’re going to go with it and once again I feel teenage pregnancy is another thing that can be either done right or very wrong. Still, if you do go down that path I’m sure you’ll write it well, but I’m very scarred from other stories :P Anyway, I liked the connection between the dream Snow had and that scene. That dream has helped her get going, but considering her current state of mind it would be one of the absolute last things she needs right now. And also, I’m not sure how relevant this is but I was a little confused that neither Snow nor Michael seemed to consider the morning-after pill :P Unless they don’t have it in USA or something, which seems unlikely to me. But then, I have no idea at all what your pharmacies are stocked with xD

    Anyway, I really liked the part where Zoe showed up in the warehouse. There was a lot of intriguing information to be gained in that section, although I’m not quite sure what to make it. Firstly, Newcastle Academy of the Arcane, he says. Sorry Michael, I think you meant Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry :P You can’t hide from me. Anyway, all these mentionings of Sienna really intrigue me. I hope she appears in the story soon, although I have a feeling you’re going to make me wait a long time xD I still think she’s a viable candidate for S. But then, if she is Michael’s cousin and presumably they have a good relationship it seems a bit mean of her to tell Snow to stay away from him, but there could be some other reason why she doesn't want them together even if she and Michael are close. I’m also wondering what this Alexandria he wants to keep the Coven from is. When he said Alexandria the first thing I thought of was the city in Egypt. Somehow, I don’t think that’s what he’s talking about :P At least, I don’t see how Michael could protect that city when he’s on the other side of the world xD My next thought was that Alexandria is the kingdom that Sienna rules.

    I’m glad that Snow finally got to talk with Dr Pinder. I’m happy that it made her feel better and Dr Pinder certainly gave her some really good pieces of advice. I was rather surprised that he realised something (i.e. JTG) is going on, considering that no-one else has realised that without being told. He’s a smart cookie, that one :P I also liked that we got to learn a little more about Ariana’s time there too. Yay, Pookie is safe :) I don’t know what I expected, but I certainly didn’t expect Ariana and Co. to take him in. It seems obvious now it’s happened, but the thought never crossed my mind before xD At least JTG let him go to a good family, even if she was probably just using him to freak Snow without having some kinder, cat loving motive hidden beneath her craziness :P

    And by the way, thanks to you I’m gonna have Bad Blood stuck in my head for the rest of the night (well, morning, since it's almost 1 o'clock) and possibly tomorrow/today :P Although I do like that song, but I'll get sick of it after the first few hours xD

    Commented on: December 22, 2016

  • Copies of Copies

    Hey, sorry for taking a while to reply. The boredom thing does make a lot more sense now you’ve explained it to me. I guess it might be good to make it a bit clearer that it’s Ian’s interpretation, but at the same time, it might just be me who didn’t get it :P So I guess maybe you could see if anyone else gets confused like I did and then change it if that happens? Either way, I think it’ll be fine :)

    Commented on: December 14, 2016

  • Copies of Copies

    Sorry for taking so long to get back to this. When I started reading this story I meant to comment regularly, but somehow over the past 1 1/2 weeks things have just kept popping up -.- Anyway I really liked the scene in the café – in a sad way, of course, considering what happened :/ Poor Ian. You really described his emotions throughout that scene very well. It also did a really good job at further expanding on the way synthetics are seen in their society, like anyone who’s seen as “different”, they are shunted out :/ Oh, and I forgot to mention this in my previous comments, but your reply reminded me of this - I think you did a really good job with Ian’s emotions in the last chapter regarding his parents comparing him to the previous Ian. I can really relate to him about that, because I’m an identical twin myself. Although for me it’s not my parents who do that, but even so I think you captured his feelings about that very well.

    The ending of the chapter with Hayley was very well written too, and very ominous. I’m really curious to find out what happens in Fibrtech once they are taken there. Not to mention, Hayley’s illness seems very… Well, it seems like something strange is going on, for it to worsen so suddenly just before Aaron and Ian get there. You’ve done a really good job at building up the suspense and mystery of it all, and I’m really curious to see what happens to Hayley. I hope she’s ok :/

    One thing I thought was a little strange was Ian’s explanation of how the third world war occurred. I don’t know, maybe I’m looking too far into this at this point - after all, there’s no way of knowing that what Ian learns in school is actually correct – perhaps they don’t want people knowing the real reason why it happened. But assuming the textbook he’s learning from is correct, the explanation seems… Rather lacking, I suppose. I mean, the nations were bored? I think if a nuclear war happens it will be because of tensions between countries boiling over. The rest of that bit of exposition – when Ian says he doesn’t think they ever thought of the consequences of their actions – that was good, but the boredom comment seemed a bit lacking to me. Like I said, this might not be relevant if Ian simply doesn’t have the real info available, but if it is the story’s explanation for how the world ended up the way it did, it seems a little simplistic. Sorry for rambling on about this, by the way. I’m no good at explaining myself succinctly.

    Anyway, other than that, I really enjoyed this chapter. It was very well written and there’s a lot of suspense so I’m really curious to see what happens next. Hopefully I’ll be able to comment quicker next time.

    Commented on: December 11, 2016

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! I’m really glad you like all the personal storylines in this book :) I’ve always worried that I include too much personal drama, rather than focusing more the overarching plot all the time, because that’s what most fantasy stories seem to do. But I agree that characters are the most important part of a story and without some sort of personal drama I just can’t get invested, whether it’s my own stories or others. As for 805, well, I wouldn’t say he’s okay. Alive and functioning, yes, but okay? Not really :/ Still, you’re right, at least he has Hahana around to entertain him xD She’s probably one of the most kind characters in this story, and she’s very perceptive too. She knows she can make people laugh and feel better so she always tries her best to do so if the need arises.

    Heheh, I’m rather ashamed to admit that the real reason Michelle’s grave was so plain was because I couldn’t be bothered thinking of anything meaningful to put on it :P 805’s words on the subject are really just me trying to justify my laziness xD Still, I do think it fits with Samantha’s personality and the general culture of the island to have just the basics written on her headstone. They have very little extravagance, so straightforward and simple is pretty much the way everything is done there :P Anyway, in regards to 805 and Sam’s relationship, Samantha really has let a lot of her anger towards him go although I don’t think she’s realised that herself yet. She’s no closer to forgiving him, but she’s certainly not as furious at him as she was. And it’s not even because their relationship has improved significantly, it’s simply because keeping an anger like that going for so long is exhausting. Especially since they are (for the moment) constantly in each other’s presence. As for Alex, I’ve wanted to include him for a long time. In fact, he’s the main reason (along with 256’s family) that I made them take this detour in the first place xD He’s a very interesting character for me because he’s so integral to Janelle’s story and the way she is now, but so far he’s only appeared in her (and Samantha’s, to a lesser extent) narration. Still, Alexander has certainly changed a lot since he dumped Janelle and their daughter. It makes sense, after all, he’s now in his mid-twenties rather than being a teenager. But does that mean he’s become a better person who’s willing to own up and apologize profusely for what he did? That’s a question for another day xD

    Hehe, don’t feel comfortable for too long :P 256 may have found his family but who knows? Maybe I’ll kill them all off in the next chapter just for funsies :P Anyway, the difference in David and Sarah’s reactions will make a lot more sense in the near future, as will David’s comments about thinking 256 would die. You’re right that there’s no reason for him to think that 256 was more likely to die because he was Gifted - in fact, the Gifted children are if anything more likely to survive than nonGifted, since they’re generally better fed and the Gifted have better medical care available too. Anyway, I can’t believe it’s been so long since I said that xD It makes me feel old :P Heheh, I’m not very familiar with the Arthurian legend so I had no idea there was a Sir Gareth. I did know that Gareth is thought to mean gentle, though. I wouldn’t say I chose the name Gareth with that in mind - not initially, anyway. When I was thinking up names Gareth just popped into my head and it seemed to fit. I decided pretty quickly to go with it and after that I looked up its meaning out of curiosity, which only further cemented my decision :P By the way, I couldn’t resist the temptation to look up Gareth in the urban dictionary and let me say it scarred me for life xD Anyway, you should keep calling 256 256 for the moment. I don’t want to say much on the matter because it’s going to be rather important later on. His name/number preference will be made clear soon, I promise :P 

    Commented on: December 8, 2016

  • Copies of Copies

    My favourite part of this chapter was probably the beginning, when Ian is explaining his “birth” – you did a really good job at describing that. I really like how you showed the contrast between Ian’s feelings and that of his parents. They see him as the same as the son they lost, but, although they have the same DNA, he’s not the same person. He doesn’t have the same memories, or the same way of acting about things, even though everyone expects him to. I really liked the scene where Ian admitted he was thinking of changing his name. It did a really good job of establishing Ian’s character and his way of seeing the world – in fact, the whole chapter was really good at that. You established the synthetic’s place in society well, and once again you didn’t force-feed us the information about this, it happened naturally so we can see the way they are treated ourselves rather than just being told about it.

    In addition to that, this chapter continues to provide a lot of intrigue – there’s so much about this world we (and the characters) don’t know. I’m really interested to read on and see what will happen in the future. So far you’ve established the setting well and it really has a great dystopian feel to it. Good job! :)

    One thing that confused me a little was the logistics of the number of people like Ian at the school. If they are cloned from students who’ve died, 100 out of 1000 seems a lot. Unless the school is in Sunnydale :P Sorry about my bad jokes… I don't even know if you've watched Buffy xD Anyway, I might just be missing something – maybe not all of them are clones of teenagers who’ve died, in which case, feel free to ignore me :P

    Commented on: November 29, 2016

  • Copies of Copies

    Hey! I started reading this story a while back and really liked it, but I was too busy at the time to comment. Now school’s over for the year I thought I’d come back and give you some comments as well as read the rest of the story, since I only read around the first 5/6 chapters before. Anyway, I think this was a really good introduction to the story. You don’t force information down our throats, everything we need to know at this present moment of time is given in an organic (heh) way. Plus, there’s still a lot of mystery surrounding Fibrtech and everything else to make me really intrigued to read on. I also think you wrote the characters really well, too. Catherine’s desire to get her son back, her doubts about the process and especially the way she reacted to the contract referring to the clones as products, etc. was really moving. Not to mention, all the stuff about Fibrtech taking away malfunctioning products sounds very ominous… Needless to say, this was a really intriguing chapter and a great start to the story. There’s a lot of mystery and intrigue, the characters are good, and I’m intrigued to read on and see what happens next.

    One thing I noticed, is right in the first paragraph of the story, Catherine says she isn’t sure if she’s ready, but then just a couple of sentences later she says she is ready. At least, that’s what I took from it, and it might be just me, but I found the line a little confusing because of that. Still, aside from that, I didn’t find any other errors.

    As for the ampersands, which I see you’ve already gotten a lot of comments about, I wouldn’t say they bother me (I don’t really notice when I’m focused on reading) but I do find your use of them… Odd, I suppose, because I can’t think of any published books off the top of my head that use them instead of just writing 'and'. Is there a particular reason why you chose to use them?

    Commented on: November 29, 2016

  • Snowfall

    Sorry for taking such a long time to get to this, and for being later than I said I would be :/Anyway, the beginning of the chapter was really sad to read. I can see why Ariana thinks their sheltering of Snow lead to all her suffering now, but I think I agree with Kayla more.  I mean, what are they supposed to do? Murder someone so she’s experienced loss? That seems a bit extreme :P Anyway, I guess I’m not so sure that anything they  could’ve done would have made any difference in the end. Even if she’d been less naïve about the way the world is, with all the stuff Snow’s been through… I don’t know if anyone could have been ready to deal with all that; sheltered or not. It’s just not something people are ever prepared for, I suppose. Because of that, I think Ariana’s being way too hard on herself, but like I said, I understand why she might feel that way :/ Anyway,I can’t say I expected Snow to dye her hair xD I’ll admit I was thinking along the lines of some kind of fancy lingerie when Snow said she wanted to try something in the last chapter. I did think it was weird she’d change into said lingerie before dinner rather than after, so the real explanation for what she was doing made a lot more sense than that theory xD Anyway, as I said, the hair dying thing was a bit of a surprise for me. It’s something I never really thought of happening, because… I don’t know. I just never really thought about it, I guess :P Anyway, I hope the change will be a good one for her. It seems to have helped already, after all. I wonder what everyone else will have to say about it when they return to Mistbrook Falls :P

    The part with Mary in the graveyard was really sad :( Poor Mary. I’m really curious about what happened on Labour Day, and who it is she’s talking about that she had feelings for that Sara exploited. I wonder if it’s someone we know, but if it is so far I’m drawing blanks over who it could possibly be. It was also interesting to meet Rachel at last. Although, one of my sisters’ name is Rachel (although she spells it differently) and I kept thinking of her which threw me off a bit :P Anyway, sjhe does certainly seem to have more of the temperament I imagined JTG to have than Tony. She’s more vengeful, I suppose, and seems more rash from what little we’ve seen of her. Still, even if she and Tony are part of the JTG machine, I feel like there’s something missing, or someone, I suppose. I don’t think the two of them could’ve done everything by themselves - I mean, who took the photo of Sara pushing Miranda in the first place? That’s the first thing I thought of. I feel like there has to be someone else involved, perhaps someone slightly closer to the group… And the Miranda thing doesn’t explain why JTG went after Jackson, and later Steven as well. Sure, they might’ve done something to Miranda/Rachel/Tony as well, but… I don’t know. It just feels like there has to be another party involved in it all.

    Anyway, onto the last part of the chapter. I can’t say I wasn’t expecting it :P I’m always apprehensive when reading sex scenes in stories (particularly on amateur sites like this one) because I feel like they’re hard to get right without making it too cheesy or gross in some way, and few people do in my opinion. Of course, not that I’d do any better if I tried to write one, so I shouldn’t judge :P Anyway, I think you wrote that part of the chapter well. Aside from the general squickiness Michael gives off (sorry, Michael :P You will never win) I thought it was sweet, and I liked how you contrasted their levels of experiencedness (it’s a word) – that made it more interesting, in my opinion. Still, for some reason the ending made me worried. I feel like something bad is about to happen. Snow’s too happy :P Anyway, overall this was a good chapter. There were lots of interesting things to happen and I’m anxious to see what happens next.

    Commented on: October 15, 2016

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! And I’m sorry to hear you’ve been sick :/ Anyway, looks like I’m not the only one who noticed the 210,000 words thing :P I thought that was pretty cool too. It was completely unintentional xD Anyway, I would’ve thought Ennis’s identity is fairly clear given some other things Scott says - and who I named Ennis after, of course xD So probably whatever you’re thinking is correct if you have a similar train of thought to me :P Let’s just say that Scott and his stepsister - well, they’re not really stepsiblings but I don’t know what else to call their relationship :P Anyway, whatever he and Samantha are, they have more in common than they realise. And it certainly was very difficult for Michelle, Thomas, and Sam to a lesser extent, to hide him away for so long. Thomas didn’t like it for obvious reasons, while Michelle had to live with the guilt of forcing her son to remain under house arrest until she died :/ Anyway, despite their misgivings all three of them knew it was necessary to keep him hidden, so they kept going because the alternative was him getting caught and all of them, including 805 (although only Michelle knew about that part :P) getting killed for hiding him.

    Speaking of 805, the info about Thomas is something I’ve been wanting to include for a very long time, but I’ve never found the space/time for it until now. I’m glad I finally managed to squeeze it in :P Anyway, he’s definitely not the only Gifted to have hated growing up in the Council. It’s a very lonely place, and although if asked most of them would never admit it (805 certainly wouldn’t, if he were sober :P) a lot of Gifted are plagued with similar feelings :/ Anyway, you’re right to be worried about him. 805’s certainly not in a good place and hasn’t been for a long time. Being a puppet of the Council and knowing they’d try and kill him eventually was a heavy burden for him to begin with, and things have gotten steadily worse for him since then. He’s very good at hiding it when he’s not completely sloshed, and overall he’s been sliding further and further into depression (and alcoholism) since they left the Council :(

     Heheh, I was thinking of a bitchy character named Polly from a TV show when I wrote this chapter – Orange is the New Black, if you’re wondering. I never really minor characters after anyone but for some reason this chapter ended up with both Ennis and Polly named after fictional characters :P Anyway, she did what she felt she had to do and she never thought Alex would be killed like that. And to be honest, he wouldn’t have been if the girl hadn’t freaked out. The two older Gifted are none too pleased with her killing a villager, especially since it’s in an area with rebels running around wreaking havoc :P It’s the last thing they need. Anyway, to be honest I didn’t really expect Alex to be killed so quickly either xD I didn’t imagine he’d be killed at all, but then I got the idea for this chapter and it just happened.  Heh, well I can’t say I remembered that speech Dumbledore gave when I wrote this chapter :P Maybe I was channelling him unconsciously, since it really does sound very similar. Anyway, thanks again for the comment! I hope you’re feeling better :)

    Commented on: September 19, 2016

  • Under the Milky Way: Repulse Prelude

    It was really sad to see Scarlett break down at last about losing her world and family :( Especially when she spoke of her mum and the regret she feels that she didn’t say goodbye properly to her. Still, despite what Abby thinks, I believe she did the best job she could do at comforting Scarlett. I mean, it’s an impossible situation, really. No matter what Abby or anyone else said, all that hurt’s still going to be there underneath. The only thing that’ll lessen that is time, and a lot of it. I think Abby showed Scarlett she understands how she feels and, most importantly, she’s not alone, which is probably the best thing for her right now. On other things, I’ curious to see what will happen with her and Abby. Will Abby tell her about their connection, or will Scarlett figure it out for herself since they look so alike? I hope I don’t have to wait too long to find out, but somehow I get the feeling that’s wishful thinking on my part :P I’m sure the mystery will be kept for a little while long, at least.

    I liked (in a sad way) the part where Abby explained what happened on Earth after Episky’s destruction to Jake. Even though we knew parts of it already and had a general gist of what happened, it’s still really sad to hear the full story from Abby herself :( It’s a terrible burden to live with, knowing her actions led to the deaths of three innocent people. Still, although obviously she’ll probably never put it behind her completely, I do hope she stops blaming herself quite so much. I mean, she is right in that at the end of the day it was her decisions and her actions that led to their deaths, but even so, what she was dealing with… Well, I think the vast majority of people would go off the rails too in a situation like that.  

    Anyway, that ending scene was really well written and makes me very curious to see what will happen next. The Na’Vaxii destroyed that planet so easily it really makes me wonder why they never attacked one of the inner colonies before now. If they had the power, why didn't they do it before? What changed. It's all so curious xD Anyway, overall that whole sequence was very gripping and ominous and I’m really curious to see what happens next and how Abby, Jake, Scarlett and Co. will (I assume :P) be involved.

    And this was just something I noticed, but at one point in this chapter you described Scarlett as a redhead. I wasn’t sure if this was accidental or whether she dyed her hair back again after getting rid of the redness in the last chapter :P

    Commented on: August 28, 2016

  • Snowfall

    Heheh, I’ll admit I’d never heard of a wendigo until I read this chapter and had to google it to see if it was a real myth or if Brad was just making it up xD Still, considering the (somewhat limited) info we have so much about what Brad and Michael do in their spare time, I’m inclined to believe he’s telling the truth even if Sophia doesn’t believe him :P Anyway, overall I really liked that first point of the chapter. It was a surprise for me - I had expected them to get away before Sophia got there and she’d discover the room with all the photos on her own, but this turn of events is much more interesting. I certainly didn’t expect Tony to show up and cover for them, that’s for sure. It raises a lot of interesting questions. But as for him being JTG, eh… I’m still not convinced, even though Clara and Co. seem to be :P I guess Tony probably knows who she is (or at  least, he’s in contact with her, but perhaps she hasn’t revealed her identity), but… I don’t know. He seems too sane xD Of course, if he is the real JTG then that may just be a front, but I still feel like there’s someone else too, at least. Someone behind the scenes, who’s more… Well, less mature, I suppose, although that’s not really the right word. I guess with the tone of JTG’s texts, her reaction to Clara deleting her number, Snow’s suicide attempt and the whole Halloween thing I imagined her being more volatile, even though obviously she’s still good at covering her tracks (Dennis :’( RIP). I don’t get that impression from Tony, although he hasn’t exactly appeared much and if he’s really smart he could be putting on that volatile persona to cover his tracks… Plus the phrase JTG wasn’t actually used so I’m inclined to believe he’s not her, although it’s certainly possible that they’re in contact with each other. And I wouldn’t rule out him being responsible, either directly or indirectly, for Sara’s murder given the views he expressed in this chapter. But long story short, I have no idea what to think :P Anyway, now that I’ve sufficiently confused myself, I’ll proceed xD

    I liked the tension throughout the group’s confrontation with Tony. He’s a creepy guy, that’s for sure. I’m inclined to believe that video was real, since he had that look of fear when they brought it up (although perhaps he’s just that good of an actor) and I’m curious to see what comes of it, particularly since Sophia is determined to find out what’s going on. I do think Jackson did the right thing by confronting him – I mean, what else could they do, really? But I am worried about the repercussions. Even if the video is real, I’m sure Tony +/- JTG won’t go down that easily. They must have something up their sleeves for him to be so calm about everything :P Anyway, I liked the scene at Clara’s house, particularly the end when Jackson and Snow talked. As someone who’s been continuously on the wrong end of unrequited love I was definitely feeling for Jackson in that part. I’m sorry Snow, I know you mean well but ‘I’ll always love you’ and ‘I want you to find that to’, does not reassure. Not at all :P But I do I feel sorry for Snow too, especially since she’s already dealing with so much. Anyway, this isn’t really related to this chapter per se but I’m curious what will happen with him and Snow if it does turn around that Emilia used magical pheromones to seduce him like that time she kissed Snow. I hadn’t really thought about that for a while, but when I was reading this chapter it popped into my head again. I wonder how they’d both react to that revelation if it turns out to be true.

    “And I don’t just say that to make myself look any less like the cradle-robbing pervert I appear to be” that line made me laugh more than it should have :P Anyway, I was glad to see Snow so happy to be back in the warehouse. Of course, she’s still dealing with everything else under the surface but it’s better than nothing. I’m curious to see what happens next at the warehouse – Although I feel like I have a pretty good idea already, but I don’t want to say in case I’m wrong xD Anyway, Snow’s dream - If that’s what it was – dead people come and go all the time in this story so I wouldn’t rule out Snow’s time-travelling daughter from the future inhabiting her mind or something :P Anyway, I thought her dream was well-written, and it was nice to get a bit of hope for the future too. I’m guessing the name of the girl would be Ariana :P That was the first thing that popped into my head, anyway, considering how she acted, but maybe I’m completely wrong and it’s Sara or something xD Still, I’m glad that Snow’s found something to hold onto, something to make her think that they might get through everything with some possibility for a normal life. Although personally I still feel slightly squicked out when Michael’s talking about starting a family in the future with his currently sixteen year old girlfriend. Sorry, Michael :P No matter how mature she acts, it’s still on the creepy side for me :P

    And RIP Dennis :( I was surprised that JTG made his death seem natural by using his allergy. It makes perfect sense that she’d do that, but still, for some reason I was expecting a bloody murder. I hope Pookie (that’s my name for his cat. I don’t know why) finds a home…

    Commented on: August 23, 2016

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! I wanted to keep 256’s feelings on the matter with Carey a bit of a mystery for a while. I’m not really sure why :P It just seemed like the right thing to do. Anyway, he’s certainly very hurt by her actions and he doesn’t understand at all why she’d chose to keep 440’s death a secret for so long, but he’s not angry. As you say, it's just not in his nature to get really furious about something, even if it upsets him as much as Carey's betrayal does. And you’re right that 256 is in no way at fault for 440’s actions, despite what he thinks. In the end, 440 made his own choices and that darker side to him was always there, under the surface. Besides, as you say even if 256 had reached out to him after their punishment, it may not have made a difference. 440 was already pretty far gone by then :/ He may have been able to delay 440’s downward spiral for a little while, if that, but overall it wouldn’t be enough to undo what had already been done.

    I’m glad you thought the suspense was okay during 256’s raid of the Gifted house. I wouldn’t say it’s one of my strong points so I’m glad what I did manage was effective :P Anyway, the Servants have the worst of the lot without question. They are (in general) given safer, more secure living environments and are better fed than a lot of the nonGifted, but even so, they are allowed no individual identity and are raised and conditioned into slavery. And that’s not even getting into the frequently cruel and dismissive treatment of Servants by the Gifted, which is pretty much a normalised part of their society. Let’s just say there’s a reason why the personal Servant assigned to 805 when he was a fake Council member was a young, pretty female instead of an older male like the one in this chapter.

    256 hasn’t really considered the fact that his family could very well have moved away, or one or both of his parents could be dead. He’s got an image of what his family should be like and is so focused on actually finding them that there’s a lot of factors he hasn’t really considered. It’s been nineteen years since that record was made, after all. Anything could have happened since then :/ Still, finding out where his parents at least used to be will certainly be helpful, and there’s still a fair chance one or both of them are still there even after all these years. Perhaps he'll get lucky, and they'll either still be there or there'll be a clear trail to follow.

    Commented on: August 1, 2016

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment, and no worries for taking a while. I’m currently at Sydney Airport waiting to go home, so I’ve been rather busy myself this past week :P Anyway, Brooke’s at that age that if she sees two single people talking and enjoying each other’s company she automatically assumes there’s something going on between them. At least, that’s the way my group was at school when we were her age, I don’t know about anyone else :P Still, despite Brooke’s hopes and dreams, Janelle is certainly a long way off from another relationship. Her previous two have both ended very badly in different ways, so she’s not exactly jumping to get into another one, even if she did have strong feelings for someone. But, despite that, she and Ben certainly have a connection. Whether that connection is romantic or platonic? Who knows! I don’t :P Still, Janelle feels like he’s the one who understands her best right now, although of course she could be completely wrong about that and he could be using her for some devious plan.

    Janelle (and everyone else who knows about the Gifted in their group) will always be cautious about telling anyone about Carey, 256 and Thomas’s Gifts. Understandably it’s a sore spot for many of the rebels, and even though she knows Henry was the one behind the Gifted mutilation she’s cautious. And who knows? Perhaps they lied about Henry and he was acting on higher orders :P Or maybe they were telling the truth and he is solely to blame. I’m just putting it out there xD Anyway, she knows how much danger they could be in if anyone finds out. After all, even if Caleb, Marina, Ben and all the other leaders don’t care the ordinary foot soldiers of the rebellion could find out through the grapevine and they pose just as much of a threat. And wow, you like Caleb? Mission accomplished! It was a hard road… ;)

    Anyway, Ben certainly still has a few mysteries to unravel (he’s rather like Reagan in that regard xD), and there’s a lot of information he’s left out of his story. As for the Gifted attacking the inn, there very well could be a specific reason why, but I will say there doesn’t necessarily have to be one. The Gifted are all different in terms of their strictness towards the nonGifted – some (most) will happily allow them to have their inns, brothels, etc, anything that’s against the law (mostly because they can then use the goods and services provided in such places :P) but others are much stricter and will alert the Council that the place exists which leads to a group being ordered to shut the place down, i.e. destroy it. Of course, like I said, that doesn’t mean there wasn’t a specific reason why Ben’s inn was destroyed – like he said, even the more tolerant Gifted will destroy places if they think there are rebels in the area, or other reasons that mean they want to get rid of the joint xD I’m sorry if that’s really rambley and confusing, by the way. I’m tired, and I’ve got a 5 hour flight to look forward to :P Thanks again for the comment!

    Commented on: July 25, 2016

  • Snowfall

    I’m glad Snow agreed to see a specialist, even though she only seems to agree to please her parents.  I think it could definitely be very helpful for her, especially if it’s Dr Pinder (I assume that’s who Ariana meant). I mean, he and his team pulled Ariana herself out of a very dark place (bit of an understatement there) so I’m hopeful that they will be able to help Snow as well if given the chance. It’s sure to take time, but even so, hopefully some therapy will help her accept Ariana’s inevitable death or at least be at semi-peace with it.

    Still, the break in part of the chapter was definitely my favourite part. It was well written, lots of suspense and there was lots of interesting information to be gained. That video of Tony and Miranda was quite a surprise. I can’t say I was expecting Miranda’s secret to be anything like that – I presume this is the secret that Sara knew about Miranda, at least part of it anyway. It’s interesting that both Sara and Miranda used their desks (in slightly different ways though) to hide things. Also, I’m definitely rather suspicious of Steven at this point. He just seems way to confident and jokey about the whole thing :P Either he’s been watching way too many crime shows (which is admittedly a possibility – those things are addictive) or he’s done something like this before – and if so, what?

    As for Miranda’s parents being JTG, personally I’m less convinced than Clara and the gang that they are in fact her. No just because of that last scene, I was rather unsure before then, but that just confirmed it for me. Obviously JTG wants them to suspect Miranda’s parents… But why? Does she just want to keep the eyes off her? Or is there some other reason? I mean, surely they must know about JTG and they’re most likely on her side (after all, if they didn’t know who she is, I have a hard time believing that they didn’t notice a secret, encrypted room in their house that she hid there. Unless JTG is even more of a ninja than she seems :P). Additionally, like Clara thought, it is very strange that Tony doesn’t have a password on his computer which contained his case files and potentially other incriminating information. Maybe JTG wanted them to find out that information for some reason and set it all up, although I don’t know why. Perhaps she wants to get Rachel and Tony arrested as well. I mean, even if Clara and Co. get charged with breaking and entering there’s certainly evidence in their house that they’ve been stalking the girls/may be suspects in Sara’s murder. Perhaps Tony’s computer has some other incriminating evidence that JTG planted to pin the blame on them or something.

    I feel bad for saying this, but in some ways, I kind of hope they get caught by Sophia. I’m really curious to see what Sophia’s reaction would be if she gets there and realises her younger cousin’s friends are the masterminds behind the burglary. But regardless, even if Clara and Co. manage to escape by the time Sophia gets there, the door to the JTG room will presumably still be open. Unless JTG is a super ninja and goes to close it in the short space of time between them leaving and Sophia arriving, which seems a little impossible even for her. Still, presuming Sophia does get to see that room, I’m interested to see what she will make of it and how things will change as a result.

    I love Dennis’s cat :P So appropriate for him. Anyway, RIP Dennis L Perhaps that’s premature of me to say and next chapter he’ll still be alive and kicking, but I felt like a “Dennis is dying” moment. If she kills the cat I’ll never forgive her. Not that she was particularly forgivable before, having stalked a group of teenagers and likely killed Dennis, among other things, but whatever. Anyway, overall this was a really good chapter, with lots of intrigue and interesting development. I really want to see what happens when Sophia arrives at Miranda’s parents’ house, even if Clara and the gang are still there.Sorry for rambling so much, by the way. Once again, I have to get up at 5 tomorrow morning but I've still managed to stay up far too late considering that :P

    Commented on: July 9, 2016

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! Heh, personally I think Samrey sounds slightly better than Camantha xD And hey, if you want to ship them go ahead,  I don’t care :P Anything could happen, that’s what I say. Anyway, it was important to me to include the stuff with Samantha reminding Carey of 440’s less than honourable actions – not because it really changes much, even if 256 knew about them, but I felt it was important to mention because I haven’t really highlighted the fact that he wasn’t the nicest guy around for a while. I don’t want it to seem like I’m excusing the things he did because of his sad past. Anyway, Samantha has only ever seen that side of 440, since 256 has never spoken about him to her and she’s only heard about their relationship second-hand from Carey, so she doesn’t understand why 256 is upset. Still, even if she had known she’d still be firmly on Carey’s “side”. She’s a firm believer in sisters before misters :P Anyway, I’m glad Carey’s feelings were well conveyed. She’s feeling pretty broken at this point :/ She’s been carrying the guilt of not saying anything for a long time and that’s all exploded to the forefront now she’s actually seen his reaction, and what’s more, she has no idea how she can fix it and make things right again.

    Heh, I don’t think 805 would be able to manage much more than stunned silence if Hahana followed through and told him about that plan xD And since both of Maui’s sisters are actually already married and polygamy isn’t generally practiced in Zeia or on the island, Hahana’s got a very hard case to make there :P Still, I think 805 is developing a certain fondness for her (which is a good thing, because as you say he’s likely going to be stuck with her for a while :P) but his sanity would probably start to slip if he had to spend more than twenty minutes alone with her.

    Well, you’re not wrong with your prediction about 805’s forest adventure being related to what was in his kitchen cabinet :P Whenever he’s being vague and acting suspicious about something, that’s usually what’s involved. Although, I wouldn’t say he was trying to find a way to make alcohol. That’s a bit beyond his culinary/general creative abilities. He was looking for a reliable black market supply nearby to the cottage they’re currently in. He doesn’t have any money though so perhaps he sold his severed heads and used the coins to buy himself some booze :P But being serious now, the idea I have in my head is that he took some of the meat Maui collected for the cottage and sold it, since meat is usually a delicacy for the nonGifted so he could sell it at a hefty price. Then he bought the alcohol with that money. What he was doing out and about is not really a big secret (hence why I just told you :P) because both the readers/characters know about his taste for the hooch (I really love that word), it’s just his way of trying to hide it and failing.

    I’ll admit when I started the story I hadn’t really thought about where 256 came from, but as I kept writing I always seemed to have the Lake Village in my mind. I knew he wasn’t a farmer like Carey and it seemed right to have one of the characters actually coming from the most populated area of the island instead of them all being from, as a friend of mine often says about our city, “the arse-end of nowhere” xD As for 256’s parents dying in Janelle’s rebellion, it’s certainly possible, but their attack was directly on the Gifted’s living space and the number of civilian deaths were very limited even though so many rebels died. Still, who knows? Perhaps 256’s family were the unlucky bunch who got caught in the crossfire *evil laughter*. Still, it’s entirely possible they died in that rebellion or others – Janelle’s group is hardly the first to pass through the area, and since the Lake Village is such a large town/city (the name Lake Village simply comes from its origins as, well, a small village built next to a large lake :P) and an industrial centre of the island, it’s a favourite target of anyone looking to stir up some trouble. Still, overall, it’s more likely that 256 either won’t be able to find his parents at all or they’ll be dead by more natural means.

    Commented on: June 29, 2016

  • Snowfall

    … And full of terrors! Sorry, I had to do that xD And sorry for taking such a long time to read this :( Anyway, overall I really enjoyed this chapter (in a sad way). Poor Snow :( I’m really worried about her, more than I was before, and that’s saying something. She seems so fragile, so close to breaking down again even though she’s trying her hardest to convince everyone, including herself, that she’s not. I don’t think she’ll attempt suicide again but even so she’s certainly in a dark place and she risks going even deeper into that.

    Anyway, JTG’s message made me curious again. I didn’t really think of this when I read the last chapter – or maybe I did, I can’t quite remember :P But I’m pretty sure I didn’t. Anyway I’m wondering why JTG picked Kayla first in that message to Snow. Was it just to put a name to the threat, or is there a specific reason?

    Michael continues to be a frustrating creature in this chapter :P I felt sorry for him when he was talking with Snow :( I think you portrayed his emotions and the way the guilt from his sister’s death all came to the surface. I think his conversation with Mary was the most interesting part of the chapter, although I’m not sure what to think of it. After reading that part my theory about why he raped her is the same, and at least he managed to show some remorse for what he did at last, particularly since he’d been so cold about it when talking to Emily before, but… I don’t know. For me it felt too little, too late. I’m sure he’s being sincere when he says he’s sorry, but I still can’t muster up any sympathy for him – in this regard, anyway. Like I said I felt sorry for him for most of the chapter, with Snow and his sister and all, but my sympathy for him vanished when he was talking to Mary (and then came back later). I’m also rather sceptical of his asking Mary to keep it all a secret from Snow. I mean, what does he think’s going to happen? Surely he doesn’t plan on keeping it a secret from Snow forever. I get not telling her now since she’s recovering from a suicide attempt and very vulnerable, but in the long run I don’t think keeping it a secret is a great idea. A lie like that is really not a great basis for a relationship, Michael. If that’s your plan it’s stupid one :P She’s only going to end up getting more hurt in the long run and if he really feels remorse than probably the guilt of it would compel him to tell her eventually and by then things will be a lot worse. But I suppose no matter when she finds out it’s going to hurt, so really it’s a lose-lose situation for Michael. Oh well. If his intentions do turn out to be good, then maybe he should’ve handled things better.

    I liked Mary and Snow’s conversation as well. Although, I have to say, Snow’s pretty far from correct when she says being beautiful doesn’t get you anywhere :P I mean, as much as we don’t want it to be true and the world would be a much better place if it wasn’t, in my experience beauty certainly doesn’t hurt when getting you places (just look at the way Hollywood is, for example). I guess as a beautiful person Snow probably can’t see that as well as an exceptionally plain person like me can xD Still, I liked how Snow still tried to help her even though she’s dealing with so much herself. I think Mary holding her up on a pedestal probably doesn’t help much, though. I don’t know, it seems like extra pressure on Snow and she really doesn’t need that. Still, hopefully if Mary does start to gain self-confidence (and, I feel like she’s gained some already, although she’s still got a long way to go) it’ll be better for both of them.

    I’m worried about this breaking and entering thing with Miranda’s parents. Although I’m excited because I feel like there might be some useful information to be found, I’m also worried. Steven really did seem overconfident and perhaps there’s a reason for that, but even so it worries me that either JTG (if she doesn’t want them snooping around there) or someone else will find them. I wonder what will happen at the warehouse (I presume that’s what Snow means. I don’t see what else it could be :P). I don’t get as much of a foreboding vibe as I do for the expedition to Miranda’s house, but even so, I’m worried something bad’s going to happen :/

    Commented on: June 21, 2016

  • Snowfall

    I was really surprised when Sara showed up in this chapter. I fully expected Clara or Michael to be the one to find Snow first, so I like that twist. That part of the chapter was really emotional and sad :( Once again, I liked seeing a more human side to Sara (even though she’s a ghost or whatever :P) since hearing about everything else she’s done tends to make me feel negatively towards her. Anyway, it was really sad but heart-warming that she saved Snow and tried to help her. Sara’s appearance is very curious, though. I don’t think she’s a Guide like Cooper and Claire. I don’t know what she could be, but I don’t think she’s the same as them. Now I’m thinking maybe Sara is S after all, since she seems to be able to wander through Michael’s house at will and you said S was in the best position to keep an eye on Michael. But… in a way that seems almost too obvious, so maybe it isn't Sara :P Of course, the best place to hide something is in plain sight, so maybe you just want me to double-guess myself and Sara really has been S all along xD Or it could be a double-bluff and someone else entirely is S. Okay, I think I’ve confused myself enough for one night :P

    Anyway, onto the main point of this chapter: I’m exceptionally glad ad relieved that Snow survived her suicide attempt. Overall, I did expect her to, but the niggling doubt in my mind meant I couldn’t rest easy on the matter xD Still, my personal feelings aside, storywise I think it was the good decision to keep her alive even though it did deprive you of a possible Ned Stark moment (I’m really starting to like that phrase :P). The story’s been so depressing and hopeless lately and killing Snow (particularly by suicide) would have made it a lot bleaker than it already is, possibly almost too bleak, although it’s hard to judge because I'm biased and want Snow to survive. I don’t think my heart could have taken it if she died :/ Sorry if that paragraph is really confusing, by the way. I’m tired xD

    I liked everyone’s reactions (in a sad way, of course) to Snow’s attempted suicide. Kayla and Ariana were especially heartbreaking :( I can’t even begin to imagine what they’re going through. I thought it was very realistic how vulnerable they both seemed and how, even though they’re both so broken-hearted were able to lean on each other and give Snow support even though I’m sure they’re both feeling so helpless. It was nice of them to comfort Michael a bit, too. I felt sorry for him. I’m still looking forward greatly to the day when he receives some form of justice for his past behaviour, but even so I know how deeply he cares for Snow and how much this has shattered him like it did the others. Especially since he thinks it’s his fault. Like Ariana and Kayla said, it’s not, but I can certainly see why he thinks that way, especially after what happened to his sister, which I assume is what he was referring to at the end of that paragraph there when he said he was always too late. Although I’m sure there could be other events he’s referring to as well that I don’t know about, but no doubt that was on his mind.

    Steven does seem oddly confident about breaking into the Sinclair’s house. I mean, even if the security cameras are down, anything could happen. One of Miranda’s parents could go home early, the neighbours could see them, etc. There’s still lots of potential things that could go wrong. Anyway, his confidence makes me wonder if he’s done something like this before :P Of course, I could be overthinking it and he’s just proud of himself for getting control of their security system and therefore is slightly more overconfident than he should be. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see if Steven’s got any sort of breaking and entering under his belt already xD Still, I wonder if they’ll go through with the plan now Snow is in hospital. Since they were planning to do it without her before, I feel they might, but at the same time they’re all so shattered perhaps it will be put on hold for a while. I hope they do break in sooner rather than later, though. There isn’t much they can do but keep trudging forward, even if it seems like an impossible task :/ I hope they find something to be positive about soon.

    Claire’s visit was another part I really liked to read. I was pleasantly surprised she showed up, and her part in the chapter left me with lots of intriguing questions. I really wonder what’s going up in her and Cooper’s part of the world, and what it is that Fate did. Since Sara was in this chapter (and there really is no other evidence supporting this theory xD) I was thinking maybe she changed things in a way that lead to Sara dying before she’d finished all her tasks. That might not be it, but I think it’s likely that Fate’s changing of the rules had to do with her changing the fate of someone in a way that meant their tasks didn’t get completed and the world has been altered as a result, whether it’s Sara or someone else entirely. And of course, JTG’s text there at the end intrigued me too. It was more or less what I expected – as I said for the last chapter, JTG obviously doesn’t want Snow dead at this present moment, although her message was a lot more aggressive than I thought it would be xD Anyway, overall I really enjoyed (in a sad way) reading this chapter. I’m relieved that Snow is physically okay, and I’m really curious to see how her suicide attempt will continue to affect everyone, as well as how their possible break-in will go.

    Commented on: April 28, 2016

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! I’ve already dragged on this whole deal with 440 for long enough, so I knew I couldn’t keep it out for much longer. Now I’ve finally gotten to it I can move on to the next part of the story, which is good because that has been dragged out excessively too xD Anyway, I’m glad you found 256’s reaction to the whole thing realistic. I was worried what people would think since he’s normally rather passive, so I thought they might find his anger unrealistic. But for me it just seemed to fit, as it shows just how upset he is about this.

    I felt bad for Carey too, writing this :/ Still, you’re right, she certainly doesn’t get his feelings. She believes he’s just infatuated with an idealised version of her, and he definitely was at the start, but his feelings have morphed into something more substantial and real. Heheh, the name/number combination really doesn’t really meld well to a shipping name, does it xD 256’s real name sounds pretty stupid melded with Carey’s too, when I tried it out in my head. So long story short, I can’t help you there :P

    I’m glad you like Sam and Carey’s friendship, too. I’ve really been enjoying writing about them, since their friendship isn’t really something I ever really thought of either xD I just kept writing and it happened :P Granted, that’s true for most of the friendships (and romances) in this story, but theirs is probably the best example. And yes, Carey and 256 certainly agree with your theory :P They will act under the assumption that that’s how her Gift works, so before long it’ll become apparent if they’re right or not. And lol, your mention of magical tears had me thinking of that scene at the end of Tangled xD  Still, a Big Book of Stealth Gifted would certainly be a useful to to have, but sadly such a thing doesn’t exist. Probably. I mean, never say never, right? xD It’s certainly not immediately available to them, anyway. They’ll have to figure things out as they go along instead :P

    Heheh, well I can’t say I’m surprised that you’re surprised that Evelyn and Brooke are related. In all their previous appearances, they weren’t, so it’s a perfectly reasonable assumption to make :P Originally I’d imagined that they’d joined the rebellion around the same time and becoming close friends/surrogate families for each other from then on rather than having met before. They weren’t supposed to have much of a role in the story, other than being someone else other than Wesley for Janelle to interact with, as well adding some names to the faces of the group so they seemed more real. But when I got to this chapter I came up with a fairly elaborate backstory for them where they obviously have a much closer, familial connection. I enjoyed writing about them so much they’ll definitely have an expanded role in the future, a lot more than I ever intended them to have xD But yeah, most of the rebels certainly have a interesting story or two, and Evelyn is no exception.

    And lol, I’m glad my chapter may be of use to you to get your employees to behave. That’s one use for it, I suppose. Maybe I should get my own juniors to read it too :P

    Commented on: March 31, 2016

  • Snowfall

    Wow, this chapter was just… I really don’t know what to say at this point. It’s all so depressing :( I guess I will start at the beginning. I wonder how Jacob would react if Clara ever told him her role in his accident. I thought he might figure it out when she almost told him back at the hospital, but it doesn’t seem like it. Or maybe he has, and he’s just hiding it really well, but that seems unlikely since he hasn’t given much indication of it. That I’ve noticed, anyway :P I am pretty unobservant so it’s still possible. I feel really bad for her though :( To have that guilt eating away at her, on top of the fact that she’s starting to like the guy, but not being able to tell him what she did because otherwise JTG will do something horrible, it’s… Well, it’s a tough situation to be in, and that’s most certainly an understatement :/

    Now, about the rest of the chapter. I’m lost for words :( I just… I could see where the chapter was going once Snow started drinking again, but still… It’s really upsetting to see how far Snow has sunk into depression, to the point where she’d even attempt suicide. I don’t really think she’ll die, since there still seems to be a lot for her to do, but… Who knows. You could pull a Ned on me :/ Anyway, her descent into darkness and her thought processes throughout the whole chapter seemed really realistic to me. I could feel her pain very clearly and it was difficult to read that last part because of it. Still, like I said I do think Snow will survive, maybe similar to how Ariana in The Girl and the Warehouse, where she was brought back by supernatural means, since she probably still has tasks or whatever to complete. But even if I’m right, Clara’s certainly correct that her attempt will shatter them all :/ Clara’s words really struck a cord with me in this chapter, especially when she said they needed a victory. I wholeheartedly agree with her on that front. They do need a victory, no matter how small. Especially now :( I’m not really sure what it could be, but they need something to tide them over for a while. Even if it’s just something small, something has to happen to show them that they might have the slightest chance of coming out on top, or at least not have their lives destroyed.

     As for Michael, I actually feel really sorry for him in this chapter. Even though I’m certainly not his biggest fan, it saddens me greatly to think how he’ll feel if he’s the one who finds Snow :( He seems the most likely candidate, since we know he’s obviously going to be heading back there – unless Clara somehow gets there before him. I don’t know, I just get that vibe with her being so sure something was wrong in the first part of the chapter, maybe she’ll somehow end up at Michael’s house looking for her and find her before he gets back. Although, I suppose that seems unlikely unless Michael for some reason left his front door open. I wonder what JTG will think of her suicide attempt though. Even though she told Snow to hang herself, I don’t think she’d actually want Snow to die yet – surely she still has plans for her? I guess I think if she wanted Snow dead, she would have killed her back at Halloween when she had the chance. Anyway, overall this was a really emotional, well written chapter and I’m really, really, really anxious to see what happens next.

    Commented on: March 19, 2016

  • Snowfall

    Poor, poor Snow :( The way she’s acting and everything she’s feeling makes me want to give her a hug and never let go. You portrayed her downward spiral in a realistic and heartbreaking way and I’m really worried about her. At the moment, I really don’t see how she’s going to go on from this. So much has happened, so much heartbreak and secrets and stalking and torture, and I don’t have much hope. She’s so shattered, and even though Michael wants to help her through it, he’s only going to make it worse in the end when his secret about Mary comes to light :/ He worries me the most, I think. I do (begrudgingly :P) believe him when he says he loves Snow, but… He’s creepy xD No matter what he does, he just has that vibe.

    Anyway, I’m worried about what he’s going to do in his attempts to help Snow. I don’t really see what else he could do to try and help Ariana (and by extension Snow) other than look for more magical ways. Unless he donates a fortune to some cancer research company, but that’s hardly a guarantee that she'll be saved so it doesn’t seem all that likely. I suppose he could do that on top of more magical research though. Anyway, if he does find some magical way to cure Ariana, I’m sure it won’t come free. And depending on what the consequences are, will it be worth it? Not that Ariana's life isn't worth a lot, I'm just sure Ariana herself wouldn’t want to be saved if the cost was great (like someone else dying, or something like that), so… Yeah, I don’t quite know what to expect from Michael when he says he won’t rest ‘til Snow finds peace. I’m worried because he definitely seems like the type of person who’ll do anything to accomplish his goals, no matter what it is. I was glad to see Kayla there at the end though. She reassures me that Michael will have to face some form of justice for what he’s done at some point xD I'm so vindictive :P

    Anyway, I really liked reading Michael and Zoe’s conversation. I’m immensely curious about everything they talked about xD But first and foremost, I’m wondering who this Princess Sienna is. Mostly I wonder if she’s someone else in disguise… I don’t know if she’s appeared in person, but I’m definitely leaning towards her being S or something like that. I thought S might be Sara’s ghost, but then S didn’t know who JTG was and Sara did, so… That seems less likely now, although still possible since Sara could’ve just been pretending she didn’t know who JTG was. But then, I’m not sure if S is this new Princess Sienna because if she’s one of Michael’s closest allies, so why would she want Snow to stay away from him? Unless she just doesn’t want Snow to get involved in all these shenanigans for some reason, which is definitely possible. I wonder what’s up with S, actually. She hasn’t been around much at all lately. She’s obviously given up on warning Snow to stay away from Michael xD I guess she knows she’s fighting a losing battle :P Still, even though everything else in the chapter was sad, there was a whole load of new information revealed in this chapter that I hadn’t been expecting so I’m happy.

    Commented on: February 29, 2016

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! I felt like the voice of the ordinary nonGifted person gets lost sometimes, since as you say most of the rebels have already been exposed to the cruelty of the regime firsthand. After all, they’re rebels for a reason :P Alex the Farmer (that’s what I’ve been calling him) therefore represents the ordinary nonGifted view - he doesn’t have any tragedy related to the Gifted in his life, he just does his job and he gets what he needs from it. The idea of rebels swooping in and changing everything he’s ever known scares him quite a bit. And yes, that is how you move a small mob of sheep :P You’d need cars or horses for a large group though, or it would take a very long time xD When I was at the farm they were shearing sheep so we did a lot of moving small groups around the sheep yards and at first you really feel stupid doing it but eventually you just give in and start flapping your arms and making weird noises because it’s most effective :P

    As for Wesley, his thoughts are sadly fairly common among the rebels themselves. And although Wesley’s certainly not at the mutilating stage (he was very disturbed by what Henry and Co. did, and it’s part of the reason why he doesn’t really trust the rebels) but even so, it’s not a very good thought to have :/

    Heheh, note writing really isn’t one of Sam’s strengths, is it xD Anyway, 256 is very disturbed by the whole thing, even though 805 himself doesn’t care that Samantha kept Michelle’s death a secret (or attempted to, anyway). And, while a part of him can sort of understand why Sam herself hid it from 805, he doesn’t understand at all why Carey would also keep it a secret, because if he’d known beforehand he would have told 805 no matter what Sam threatened him with :P As for Sam and 805, they’ve certainly taken a positive step, but who knows? Perhaps this is as far as they’ll get on the road to being something :P

    As for 805, his attitude towards his uniform really isn’t the best way to look at his attitude about leaving the Gifted. 256 bases what 805 feels over what he felt when he left the Gifted, but, like many things (he’s really not that good at comparing his own situations to others in a rational way, is he xD) there’s a lot of factors he hasn’t taken into account. Like you say, 805 isn’t really the sort of person to cling to his old uniform, and by extension, his old life, the way 256 did – he’s far too practical for that. He can’t go back, and he’s very aware of it. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss his old life and feel lost about what to do now, especially since it’s much harder to start a new life at the age of 48 than it was for 256 to start one at 18. The Gifted propaganda worked a lot better on him too, the deeper layers of it, anyway. 805 does truly believe that without the Gifted his self-worth is lost, because when he was young and being told these things he didn’t have anyone who cared for him to prove it wrong. For 256 it was a slightly shallower belief because, even though their friendships didn’t end well, he had two people who cared for him deeply and who he cared for in return.

    Commented on: February 22, 2016

  • State of Decay: The Day the World Died

    I liked what Frank and Jack said about fear in this chapter to Alex. Particularly when Jack was comforting her, that was a really sweet moment among the horror. They’re both right about fear, I think it’s definitely important in keeping someone alert and able to react to the situation, but I suppose like everything there’s a balance – if you fear too much then you’re paralysed instead. But so far, I think Alex has faced her fear quite well given the circumstances, even though she probably doesn’t feel that way. She’s doing a better job than I would be doing in that situation, anyway xD I liked her thoughts at the end as well, when they were going to the bus, where she repeated the “this is all a dream” mantra in her head. It seems a very realistic coping mechanism for her to have, even though it’s fruitless since it’s certainly not a dream. Unless you’re just trolling and the story ends with her waking up from a really bad nightmare, but somehow I doubt that will happen xD

    Anyway, I liked getting to see a bit more of Frank’s character too. Although what he said to Alex was pretty creepy – I’m going to hope the girl she reminds him of his daughter/sister/niece or something to that effect :P The scene with Lily and Laine at the start was good too. Poor Laine :( Her death was very gut-wrenching. When they first appeared earlier in the chapter I thought one of them might die in the future, but I didn’t think it would happen so soon :/ I feel really sorry for Lily. She’s seen what I presume is her whole family die in front of her and the danger isn’t gone, so… Yeah, I’m curious to see what happens with her.

    Your horror writing continues to be really good. I was actually really frightened when they were making their way to the bus >.< Granted, I get scared pretty easily but even so the suspense and gore of it all really got to me, so good job. Anyway, I’m glad they’re off the mountain, at least, although I don’t really expect anything to get much better for them :/ But I’m really curious to see what’s happening with the rest of the world. The broadcast at the end offered a bit of explanation, but even so, it’ll be interesting to see what happens from here.

    Commented on: February 18, 2016

  • Gifted

    Thanks for the comments! I’m glad Janelle is relatable. She’s dealt with a lot in her short lifetime and as a result she really lacks self-confidence. It’s a recurring problem for her throughout the story. I’m glad 256 is realistic, too. And he’s certainly got a few secrets, too xD And no worries about taking a while. It’s not like I’ve been all that punctual lately :/

    Commented on: February 17, 2016

  • Toto Caelo: The Beginning

    Wow, so much happened in this chapter! I really like the way the plot developed in the first part and the last part especially. The conflict between the churches is the most interesting part of the story for me so I was glad to have so much happen on that front. I particularly liked the ending from Prae’s POV. It was shocking how quickly it all happened, and I really don’t have much of an idea of what will happen now. The Lord Sage seems all powerful at the moment, but I hope Prae/someone else finds some way to undermine him.

    Raven and Tiberius’s reaction to her losing an eye really bugged me in this chapter. We don’t have two forward facing eyes so one is a spare, the overlap of the two fields of vision is what gives humans great depth perception. Without it, Raven would really struggle to judge distances, which is required for shooting arrows and fighting well. So I was very skeptical of the fact she was able to aim and hit the necromancer perfectly on the eye (which is a tiny target in the scheme of things) with her arrow when really she’d have to relearn how to aim a bow with her handicap. Same with her fighting and using the crossbow later, it would be a lot harder for her to land blows and fight effectively so soon after losing half her vision and her depth perception. These things bother me because there’s a lot of wasted potential for the great emotional impact her injury would have and the work she’d have to do to overcome it. There was a tiny bit, when she mentions coping with only seeing to the far right, but… Overall, she forgets about it pretty quickly and it just seems to be a passing thought.

    I liked Keilum’s part of the chapter though. Your descriptions continue to be really good and reading about the way Keilum discovered his powers and the culture of the church was interesting. I feel sorry for Stag though :( Anyway, one thing I did find odd is that both Keilum and the red-haired boy were acting rather bashful and blushing when they first met each other, but then the red-haired boy just grabs his penis and starts kissing him. I feel like there needed to be a bit more there – for me it just wasn’t convincing that they’d act so quickly when they were being rather shy just before. Other than that though, I liked Keilum’s part.

    Anyway, in terms of language and grammar, I think the story is a lot better than it was at the start, so good job :) You do still need to be careful of words that sound the same but are spelt different – for example, you kept writing “plain” in Raven’s section, when really it should be plane as in plane of existence. You also have a couple of instances where you’ve used colloquial language in the narrative (such as saying Raven’s ankle “killed” instead of hurt or something like that). I don’t know, maybe I’m just a snob, but it feels rather off-putting in what is otherwise a serious story to see language like that outside of dialogue. Still, overall I feel like the narrative flows much better and there are less errors than before, so there’s been a significant improvement :)

    Commented on: February 9, 2016

  • Toto Caelo: The Beginning

    The first part of the chapter was interesting, particularly the second half. I liked seeing Raven be more effected by what she sees and experiences, even though I felt bad for her when she was retching and stuff. It definitely adds a level of realism to the way she reacts to their world. I’m worried for her and the other two now, though, although I’m hopeful that I’ll at least get to learn more about the Black from this encounter. The beginning of Raven’s part confused me a little. I didn’t really get why Tiberius sees Raven as unusual because she’s a powerful woman, when his own mother obviously breaks gender stereotypes. Even if the other girls he knows are like that, it seems a bit odd that he’s so surprised about it. Also, how did Raven know there were mermaids in the Altum River? I found that whole sequence rather strange, since she’s new to the world and everything. And where does she think fish release their wastes? The air? :P Also, I thought Tiberius’ spiel about mermaids filtering their waste through their pores so they don’t ruin the ecosystem seemed a bit complex given the level of technology/apparent environmental awareness in the story so far. Besides, if they’re a natural part of the ecosystem their excretion of wastes wouldn’t cause any harm, it’s when a species is overpopulated that it’s a problem.

    I found Alicia’s part a little confusing as well. I guess I didn’t really understand the point of it, in a way. Everything turned around very quickly. I think you could improve this part by lengthening it a bit and adding more detail, because at the moment I’m struggling to see its significance and what this whole thing with the Choir Virgin is. The archbishop seemed to change his mind about Alicia a bit too quickly in my opinion, that was the main thing. Soulsiv appeared out of nowhere, too. It seems a bit coiencidental that he just happens to be in the crowd watching Alicia.

    Still, that said I am interested to see what will happen now. I hope Keilum and Stag find her in time. I liked this line from Prae: “Whenever you four seem to leave my presence you are either kidnapped, tortured or arrested!” I feel bad for laughing since it’s not really funny that all this stuff is happening to them, but it’s true xD I liked that part of the chapter, although I did notice that Iuvo appeared at the start of Prae’s POV, but then at the end she said he was missing with Rory. Anyway, my brain isn’t working tonight so this comment is probably a bit short :/ Sorry for taking so long to comment, by the way. I’ve been away for a week.

    Commented on: February 1, 2016

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! Sorry for taking ages to reply, by the way. I’ve been on a farm and although I did have internet this time it was only on my phone and I hate typing out long messages on that thing xD For my sanity’s sake I thought it best I wait to reply until now :P Anyway, I enjoyed the change in tone for this chapter too. It was nice to write something knowing that my characters are, at least for now, relatively safe. As for Janelle, her lack of confidence is  the main thing holding her back so hopefully if the mission goes well, she’ll be able to gain some. But who knows? At this point, anything could go wrong :P

    As for Wesley, the island’s a pretty big place (at least for a guy searching for one person xD). I imagine it being around the size of Ireland, but then I suck at geography so I have no idea if the time it takes the characters to travel places correlates with the size of the area :P I considered waiting a bit longer before Wesley finds out about Carey, but I wanted it to happen and besides they’re going to be busy for a while so I wouldn’t have had much of a chance to make it happen later. Lol, 805 really doesn’t know how to deal with a fangirl at all, does he xD Still, it’s not something he or anyone else would come across in everyday  life, so I guess I can’t blame him for being a bit clueless about what to do :P

    As for Sam, her sexuality has been something she’s found very hard to accept about herself, and she still struggles with it greatly :/ As far as she knows, she’s the only person in the world who feels the way she does. Growing up, she never knew anyone who was gay. Well, openly gay, anyway – I’m sure there would’ve been a decent number in her village who were gay/bisexual/anything else, but she didn’t know about it. Anyway, among the nonGifted, sexuality isn’t really discussed, which is why Carey doesn’t get what she means even though I’d expect anyone who read this to understand what Sam is talking about. If someone were to reveal they were gay or any other sexuality but heterosexual whilst living in the villages, the majority of villagers would see them as unnatural/disgusting/etc. etc. So yes, if she was living in general nonGifted society she’d probably be an outcast :/  That said, she is not living in general society and most of the people who’ve run away from their villages and joined rebel groups tend to be at least a few degrees left of the mainstream anyway (some of them may have even run away because they were being shunned for their sexuality), so she might find more acceptance among them if she’s ever ready to tell more people. In contrast, though, the Gifted are very sexually liberal, even though in theory they’re supposed to be celibate xD

    Commented on: January 29, 2016

  • Snowfall

    Noooo :( :( :( I knew it was coming and I think it’s great that Ariana finally told Snow, but even so, this chapter was so depressing :( Poor Snow. I really don’t know how she’s going to deal with this, on top of everything else that’s happening. It’s the absolute last thing she needs (well, it’s the last thing anyone needs, really) but at the same time I think it’s good she finally knows. At least now she’ll have time to hopefully process what’s going to happen before it does, although I’m not sure if that will ever help. Ariana will still be gone either way :(

    Anyway, the emotional impact of this chapter was really powerful and made me very teary-eyed. Snow’s anger and grief was conveyed really well and felt very real. The scene where Kayla comforted her was my favourite. Now more than ever, they’ve got to stick together and be strong, both for themselves and for Ariana as she goes through this hard time, so it was really heartwarming in a sad way to see them starting to do that.

     I don’t know what else to say. I’m too depressed L Still, I’ve been anticipating this chapter for a long time and overall I think you did a really great job with it. It was just as depressing and emotional as I expected it to be and left me with a feeling of hopelessness. Ariana’s illness seems so much more real now Snow knows, for some reason. Those final lines were really powerful too. I really liked the fact there was snowfall, as well – was that a deliberate bit of symbolism or am I just reading into things too much? xD Anyway, I’m really worried for Snow, more than ever before. I don’t see how she’s going to be able to deal with this on top of everything else. It’s just too much. 

    Commented on: January 22, 2016

  • Snowfall

    Well it’s nice to see that one good thing came out of JTG torturing them. I was proud to see how Mary has decided not to let Michael scare her anymore. It’s something I feel would’ve been really hard for her to do, no matter what happened, so it’s good to see. She's choosing not to let him have that power over her and that requires a significant amount of courage. I wonder how long it will be before Michael and Emily’s motives are revealed though. I want to see if I’m right :P I havea feeling it'll still be a long while. Although now I've said that it'll probably be in the next couple of chapters, won't it xD Oh well, a girl can dream.

    Now, as for breaking into Miranda’s parents’ house… Personally, I think it’s a good idea. After all, if they’re hiding something they’re hardly going to tell a group of teenagers, especially if they are JTG. I don’t think they are, but I’m not ruling out a connection of some kind. If anything, they’ll know about Miranda and what she was like and that’s something I really want to find out. I am curious to see how JTG will react too. I guess it depends on whether Miranda’s parents are connected to JTG or not. If they are, I’m really worried about what she might do :/ But then, if they’re not, I guess she might not care all that much. It’s hard to judge at this present point xD I really hope they do end up breaking in and learn some interesting info though. I need more :P

    Aww, Fluffers :( His death was really sad for me. After all, he’s been there right from the beginning. If I’m sad I can’t imagine what Ariana’s going through, especially since her cat died on top of the fact she has to tell her daughter she herself is dying :/  I’m really scared to read the next chapter, but I’ll force myself to do it anyway because even though I know it’s going to be really depressing I need to know what happens. 

    Commented on: January 22, 2016

  • Gifted

    Thanks for the comment! Well, this story is set in an alternate universe, so it is in neither the past, present, nor future :P But, in terms of technology it’s set in the “past”, I suppose. The level of technology depends on where you live. The Gifted tend to have better technology, as well as the factory towns, while the farming villages and others have much less. Overall, the technology of the island doesn’t really correlate with a specific time period of Earth history, and there are various reasons why that’s the case, but it’s rather hard to say why without giving away spoilers, so I won’t say anything more on the matter xD

    There are only three POV characters in the story – Janelle, 256 and Carey. Samantha has no sister, that’s Janelle. Sorry for the confusion ^^; As for Samantha, her motivation for rebelling against the Gifted is something that’s not revealed for some time. Samantha is rather closed off when it comes to her secrets (for good reason) and because she doesn’t have POV it’ll be a while before her true motivation is revealed. 

    Commented on: January 21, 2016

  • Toto Caelo: The Beginning

    I found Alicia’s section of the chapter rather surprising. It seemed strange to me that a girl who was so badly affected by Soulsiv’s treatment of Dafeenah could be so cruel and brutal, even if the victim in question committed numerous atrocities. After all, two wrongs don’t make a right. Alicia just seemed remarkably nonchalant when she cut out the Lady Songstress’s tongue. There was one little mention of her feeling guilt but that was it, and even then she said she felt no remorse. It doesn’t seem like a normal human reaction in my opinion. Even if she ultimately believes she did the right thing, since that woman mutilated countless girls, I think it would seem more believable if even so Alicia felt some amount of remorse for mutilating her in turn like that. Not to mention I’d imagine cutting out someone’s tongue is a move that would require quite a lot of skill to do without being injured – I mean, it’s a small target, located inside an enclosed space, and the Lady Songstress was surely struggling so it seemed a bit too easy for Alicia to do in my opinion. Unless she’s had some sort of intense training with knives that I don’t know about or have forgotten.

    In general, really, I’ve found that the characters from the modern world seem a little nonchalant about killing/injuring people – for example, when Raven killed that woman in prison and the guard, and Alicia in this chapter. It seems strange to me that they do it without any apparent regrets, when they’re only young and would probably have never considered killing people before. Of course, I don’t know what those trials and things they went through were like so perhaps they were severely desensitised by that, but it still seems a bit odd to me that they seem to completely lack remorse.

    But, despite my rambling, I did enjoy reading about the politics in Alicia’s section (and Praecantrix’s section as well). Prae’s change in attitude towards Alicia was rather sudden, but I think that’s a good thing because it showed how much the Lord Sage’s words had affected her and how worried she is for her people. I’m also curious to see where Alicia’s journey as “Anabelle” goes. I liked Rory’s part and I enjoyed getting to see some of his powers. Your descriptions in the fight against the necromancer were really good. I expected that Bellator would have to lose his leg the moment he got hit, but even so I felt sorry for him L Still, it’s cool that they can make him a new prosthetic that easily. It was interesting to learn more about him and Constance too, as well as when the Black appeared before. I really wonder what it is. The ending was intriguing too. Are the Greymoons just presumed missing, or is there some reason, some person that deliberately reported they were dead? Overall there was a lot of interesting information gained in this chapter and a lot more questions raised, so I’m eager to read on.

    One thing I noticed in this chapter was that there was a few instances where you used the wrong word in place of a similar sounding one. For example:

    “The realization of female circumcision shown like headlights in her mind” – it should be shone instead of shown.

    “Alicia sliced her tongue out and through it in front of her” – threw instead of through.

    “as if he were more used to a thrown.” Throne instead of thrown.

    Sorry for ranting so much in this chapter ^^; As usual, I’m no good at explaining myself in a short, succinct way xD 

    Commented on: January 18, 2016

  • Toto Caelo: The Beginning

    This was another really good chapter, probably my favourite so far because so many interesting things happened. I’m really curious about this “Black” thing. It’s frightening how quickly it seemed to take over Aqua and I’m really eager to see what happens next. I wonder what exactly the Black thing is exactly. It seems like a disease, but then it has the ability to effect paper and stuff too, so I guess there must be a magical element to it too.

    It was heart-warming to see Rory and Keilum reunite, even though they haven’t been separated for all that long (at least, compared to Raven). I am kind of disappointed we didn’t get to see much of Rory’s training that he spoke about, though. I thought that sounded interesting. Hopefully we see what he can do later on.

    Raven’s POV was probably my favourite part of this chapter. Too Far was really interesting and the descriptions of the world were very well done. Bernard seems very mysterious as well, so I look forward to learning more about him. I wonder why he left his home to live in Too Far. I like how you have so many interesting characters with different pasts and cultures waiting to be discovered :3 It makes the story very captivating and interesting.

    Your use of symbolism is good, but sometimes I feel you’re being a bit too obvious about it sometimes – personally, I think it works better if you approach symbolism with more subtlety. For example, Raven’s bow – you have Tiberius tell us it’s the symbol of Raven’s personality and list the reasons. I think it would be more impactful if you let the readers form this idea – maybe have Tiberius just think the bow is perfect for her, but not list why, because then we can look back at your description and figure out how it fits Raven ourselves. You’re good at writing your characters and conveying their personalities but I’ve noticed you do have a tendency to state what they’re like in the narrative (like the example I gave before with the fat man) when it’s not necessary.

    Your descriptions are also very good and really add to the atmosphere of the story. You’ve created a very vibrant, well-crafted, unique fantasy world here and it’s a joy to read. I really liked the paragraph at the end, where you described the necromancer appearing. It was very well-crafted and creepy. One thing that bugged me, though, was the final line. Since King Yew spoke of the necromancer in Raven’s section of the chapter, and the ending was told in Rory’s section, it seemed odd for the narrative to mention that King Yew had spoken of a necromancer because none of the characters would know about that. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense, by the way. Overall this was a great chapter. I’m really worried for Alicia though, since she was left in such a bad position in the last chapter and we didn’t see her in this one :/ I’ll be nervous until I find out what happens.

    Commented on: January 17, 2016

  • Gifted

    Thanks for the comment! I’m glad the Leader is likeable in her own way :P If nothing else, she is the person in charge of a large group of individuals and manages to keep them for the most part in line, which is pretty deserving of respect. She’s very perceptive and Carey’s plan is a fairly obvious one and she changed her demeanour from angry and defiant in chapter 6 to compliant and interested to learn in this chapter very quickly, so the Leader does pick up on her plan rather easily. She’s not using magic :P As for Marvin, it was a bit stupid of him to tell them off for killing the two Gifted xD He’s not a fighter though, so he doesn’t always see clearly when it comes to that.

    Commented on: January 17, 2016

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! Haha, I learnt all I know about mood whiplashing from you, so I say you still get the crown :P Lol, Samantha’s plan wasn’t the most reliable of plans, was it xD But it worked and that’s what counts. But even so, the Gifts of Earth rebelling is a positive for the rebellion, there’s no doubt about that. At the very least there’s internal rebellion in within the Gifted, at best, the Gifts of Earth may be more inclined to form an alliance with the rebels at some point in the future with the memory of this uprising still fresh in their minds.

    I’m glad the deaths of 571 and the boy were moving. Because I didn’t end up killing any of the main characters (I really wanted to though – I’ll get to that later xD) I knew I’d have to kill them both :/ As for your theory, it’s a very good one :) You won’t have to wait that long before you find out if it’s right or not. Although it won’t be totally confirmed, since there’s no Big Book of Stealth Gifted for them to reference, the characters will form their own ideas fairly soon about how Carey got the powers based on the available evidence. Will they come to the same conclusion as you? I’m not sayin’ :P

    Anyway, although it did end up that none of the main characters died, I was very, very, very tempted to kill 805 in this chapter. I imagined it a total Ned Stark moment – instead of just nearly being executed, he would actually have been hanged and his death would have driven the Gifts of Earth to rebel, which I thought seemed more realistic than what ended up happening. But I was faced with a dilemma because out of the four main characters present in this chapter, 805 is the one that’s probably needed alive the most right now :P If I killed him I’d have to re-plan a decent chunk of what I have for the rest of this book. I really want that stuff to happen so I was faced with choosing between my short-term happiness from having my Ned Stark moment and long-term happiness from all that stuff, and the long-term stuff won the battle :P Still, because of that I’m not all that satisfied with that scene :/ As for Hahana and Maui, don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about them xD They’ll be around again before too long :P

    Commented on: January 17, 2016

  • Gifted

    You’re right about why they dropped everything to begin the trial – Carey’s escape as a baby can mean two things. Firstly, that the Gifted who Assessed her as a child (as well as the rest of her siblings' Assessors) deliberately let her go free, in which case there's a traitor among the Gifted. Secondly, it could mean that Carey’s Gift somehow appeared after birth or it did exist but was hidden, which is something the Gifted have never been aware of before. That’s why the Leader and the Council are so interested to find out what happened.

    As for the Leader herself, she remains mostly a mystery for this book. She has a small role but overall her impact isn’t fully felt until later on, and information about why she was chosen as Leader, the full extent of her power, etc, won’t be revealed for some time. Her Gift is revealed in the next chapter, though. Thanks so much for all the comments! :) They’re very helpful.

    Commented on: January 14, 2016

  • Gifted

    Most people say they like Carey and 256’s story better than Janelle and Samantha’s at the beginning, so I’m glad that someone else feels the other way around :) Admittedly, their story is a lot slower than Carey and 256’s at the start, but I’ve edited it a lot to try and remedy that, and I’m glad it seems to have worked so some extent. As for that mess up with the house, I’m not really sure how that happened xD I was editing the introduction of this chapter to add to the description, but I must have left the original line (about it being well-kept – it’s supposed to be shabby) there by mistake :P Oops. I’ll fix it, thanks.

    As for Marvin agreeing to quickly, yeah I agree :/ I wrote this a long time ago and I think I meant for it to be something like he’d seen some sort of “quality” in them that convinced him to help, but reading over it seems a very wishy-washy reason to me now xD I’ll change that around too at some point. Anyway, thanks for the comment!

    Commented on: January 14, 2016

  • Gifted

    Thanks for the comment! 256 is a very conflicted individual. He wants to do his duty, be the best Gifted soldier he can be, but he struggles to live up to that ideal because he really doesn’t have the right sort of personality for it. Anyway, his confliction and indecisiveness is pretty much the main point of his character (in this book, anyway), so yeah xD If you don’t like him there’s not much I can do :P I don’t mind though.

    As for the numbers thing, yes it is supposed to be dehumanising. It reflects the Gifted’s preference for conformity and practicality, since having their citizens designated by numbers rather than names avoids repetition which makes it a lot easier in terms of record keeping, especially since none of the islanders have surnames. Also, by shedding the names given to them at birth, they shed their first family and become one of the Gifted, which is important too. Thanks again!

    Commented on: January 14, 2016

  • Toto Caelo: The Beginning

    I was glad to get a section from Keilum’s point of view in this chapter, so far I felt like he’d been a bit neglected compared to the other three so it’s good to see that, and now he’s also on his own I suspect it will be remedied further. Anyway, the first part of the chapter was really good, your descriptions of the torture poor Rory (and Keilum) had to endure were horrifying but gripping at the same time. Like Alicia, I must say I’m very curious about how Stag ended up being adopted by Prae, and who his real parents are. I liked that she mentioned that because it makes me think that particular mystery will be solved in the future, and I’m curious to see what it is :3 Speaking of Alicia, I’m very interested to see where her storyline will go. I wonder if she’ll develop any more magical powers as well as healing ones. Most importantly I wonder how she’ll go now she’s been captured. I’m curious to see how this Lumonite church or whatever has become so corrupted. Anyway, a large part of the section in Alicia’s POV was repeated – I guess there must have been some issues copying and pasting? Anyway I thought I’d point it out.

    I thought that Soulsiv’s trial seemed a bit rushed. Just because I don’t understand why Prae has not gone to the Count about him before, if he’s that much of a pushover since he seemed to give up rather easily. I get that what happened may have triggered her into action, but considering she spoke of Soulsiv with just as much distaste prior it seemed odd to me that only just now she acts, when all it took was a short speech and a trial where no-one even seemed to have to give evidence to get him exiled. I mean, isn’t there someone protecting him? Someone making him stay in power? Because so far a lot of the authority figures have spoken of him with rightful distaste, so I guess I don’t really understand how he’s managed to stay in his position without someone actively working to keep him there. And if there is someone, where were they during the trial? It seemed a bit too convenient to me, a way to get him where the story needed him to go. I also found it strange that he found Raven so quickly. Sorry for rambling on about this, by the way. When I give constructive criticism in comments I always seem to unwittingly reveal my entire thought process xD

     Soulsiv himself I feel is a bit inconsistent – his competence at fighting and such seems to depend on what the story needs. I mean, all Raven had to do was kick him in the balls to bring him down, and since she lifted up her skirt and stuff it would have been fairly telling what she was going to do. I mean it’s a classic move (and with good reason – my martial arts instructor always says to us, ‘girls, if you get attacked, kick ‘em where it hurts’) so I think Soulsiv, as someone who probably gets into a fair number of fights, would know to protect his groin.  Anyway, despite my various gripings, I am interested to read on and see what this Land of the Fairies is like.

    Anyway, in terms of writing, this chapter was well done. Like I said, your descriptions of the setting and the action are very good, but I do feel you sometimes repeat the same phrases (and it’s very hypocritical for me to say so, because God knows I do the exact same thing xD). For example, you’ve used the expression “the metallic taste of blood” multiple times throughout the story so far, among other examples. Sorry for whining so much in this comment. Like I said, half the stuff I point out is stuff I do too, so to be honest I’m probably not very credible xD

    Commented on: January 12, 2016

  • Toto Caelo: The Beginning

    Another good chapter :) I liked the humour at the beginning of the chapter, when they were choosing what to have for breakfast :P It seemed very natural and unforced, so good job.

    The prison escape was well written and exciting, although I did think it seemed a bit too easy for them to overcome the guards and release the other gang members (after all, if they could steal the keys like that why hasn’t anyone done it before) but even so I’m glad Raven escape, although I was sad she had to say goodbye to Dúnmharú :( I really like the way you conveyed Raven and Dúnmharú’s relationship. It’s heart-warming to see how they bonded so quickly and even though it’s been a short amount of time their fondness of each other seems very real, if that makes sense.

    I’m a bit worried for Raven now, though. It seems strange to me that Tiberius would just offer to let her live in his house with his family like that. Maybe I’m just being too suspicious, but I have to wonder if he and his family are up to something… Anyway, I’m probably just paranoid. I think you conveyed Rory and the others’ emotions well at the ending, as they were told they’d be separated :( I feel bad for them, but at the same time I’m curious where this will lead, and where Alicia and Keilum will go. Will they be separated too, eventually? A lot of intriguing things happened in this  chapter and I don’t have much of an idea of what could happen next, so I’m eager to keep reading and find out.

     In the first paragraph you used the expression AWOL, personally, I find using acronyms like that outside of dialogue to be rather informal. When you were giving exposition about Raven’s gang, at one point you said: “Raven's new gang had like seven members including her” this would seem a lot more appropriate to me if you cut out the “like” – it would sound a lot better because it’s informal language for a third person POV story, the gang either has seven members or it doesn’t :P Plus that whole sequence of exposition struck me as a bit of an info-dump – there was no POV behind it, and you addressed the audience (saying “you”), which is something I’ve always been taught never to do when writing a story in third person.

    Commented on: January 10, 2016

  • Gifted

    Thanks for the feedback! I really enjoyed writing about Rosa haha. She’s a very perceptive woman xD Anyway, Gifts are not genetically inherited. There is no more chance of a Gifted person having a Gifted child than a nonGifted person, which is common knowledge on the island. They are (usually) present at birth, or rather, the Gifted can use their sensing abilities to sense that a child will be Gifted in the future because their actual powers don’t manifest until they’re 5-7 years old normally. 

    Commented on: January 8, 2016

  • The Killer

    Thanks for the comment! I’m glad this chapter is okay. I write by the seat of my pants for this story (Well, I do to some extent for all the stories I write, but this one even more so than the others :P) and this chapter as well as the ending were the only two events I had planned from the beginning, so I’m glad it was unexpected. As for Brandon asking for a paternity test on top of everything else Nate is dealing with, yeah it probably wasn’t the best idea on his part. He is very desperate to know though, which is the main reason he asks even though it’s not the most logical decision. I’m glad Nate’s feelings about Connor were realistic, too. I really struggled conveying their relationship. I kept trying to write scenes between Nate and Connor in multiple chapters to add to the mystery of it, but I never felt like I could pull off Nate’s regret and guilt without making it totally obvious what the problem was. Although I anticipated that most people would figure out Brandon and Lauren had an affair, I didn’t want to be completely blatant about Connor’s role in the drama. So I ended up cutting them all and settled on leaving him out of focus, but I really wish I’d managed to pull one of those scenes off :/ Oh well. Now the truth’s out I can finally add one in without having to hide xD

    Sadly, the creature isn’t very logical. It’s smart enough to clean up after it murdered Lauren or make it seem like an accident for Brandon, but overall its methods are fairly crude, and it doesn’t fully consider things like arrest when killing people who’ve wronged Nate. Just like it doesn’t consider that Nate might not actually be happy when he’s forced to kill them, no matter how angry he is :/ It’s really due to a bout of unrelated good luck that Nate has managed to avoid arrest so far. He’s under a very real threat that might happen now though, even if Brandon dies (and who knows if that’ll happen? I’m leaning towards one option, but to be honest I haven’t completely decided yet xD) because although the streets were deserted when he pushed him, they were having a loud and memorable shouting match in public place just beforehand and Nate told the detective Brandon’s name, so… Yeah. The creature might have to come up with a new way to make Nate “happy” if he ends up in prison.

    Anyway, something I’d like to point out is that the creature cannot take over Nate’s body whenever it wants :P At least for the moment, Nate has to be very, very angry for the creature to take over. But who knows? As it gets stronger, this might not always be the case… *evil laughter*. Thanks again for the comment.  

    Commented on: January 8, 2016

  • Toto Caelo: The Beginning

    Another great chapter :) I was happy to learn more about how they ended up in this world and a bit more and what they’re there to do. Even though I was confused at first (and still am, to some extent) I kind of like that there’s this whole story behind how they got here that we’re slowly finding out all the pieces to. It’s an interesting way to give background information and I’m very curious to learn more. There’s a lot to be curious about, after all – I really wonder why the man wants to clear the Nox Sovereign’s name, and why the four of them specifically were sent to do it. Why them, instead of others? I’m interested to find out :)

    . I’m not all that sure what I think of Soulsiv from a narrative point of view. I almost find him a bit too evil (I felt the same about the fat man in the last chapter), because I prefer villainous characters who are more morally ambiguous. But of course, that’s just my personal preference for stories, so feel free to take no notice of it. Anyway, I enjoyed reading Raven’s part of the chapter too. I really like Dúnmharú. He seems like a good person, very helpful and understanding, so I hope he sticks around. I’m not sure if he will though – I just get the feeling he’s going to die, I don’t know why :/

    Something I noticed in both this chapter and the last is that you describe accents incorrectly on occasion. For example, in this chapter, you said Dúnmharú has an Irish accent, but does Ireland exist in this world? If it doesn’t (or it’s called something else) It might be better to put something like “Irish-sounding”. I thought the same in the last chapter when the old man had an Arabian accent. Also, there were a few instances where the words you used didn’t really make sense in the context. For example:

    “Assaulting the family member of a Caelonian Council is a freckle away from a death penalty.” I’m not really sure why you’ve said freckle here? I looked it up on google and I couldn’t find any alternate meaning other than freckles being little brown marks on skin.

    “He manhandled her, humiliating her through the crowds and to” Again, I’m not sure if humiliating is the right word here. Pulling or something like that might make more sense. These are just two examples, there were a few other instances in this chapter and the two previous where some of the words you’ve used don’t make sense in the context.

    Anyway, I think I’ve whined on long enough now xD I really did like this chapter a lot, and I look forward to reading the next :)

    Commented on: January 6, 2016

  • Gifted

    Thanks for the comment! I’m glad the story is interesting enough for you to have so many questions :) I can’t answer most of them, cos spoilers, but I will say that the old lady Carey mentioned is telling the truth :P As for my descriptions, yeah they definitely aren’t my strong point X.X Although, the lack of detail is partially due to the fact that part of the island’s culture is that they lack extravagance and favour practicality, hence the setting is rather mundane compared to most fantasy stories so there often isn't a lot to say about it. Thanks for the feedback on that scene, too. I’ll try to make it more suspenseful :)

    Commented on: January 6, 2016

  • Snowfall

    This chapter made me very happy xD I wasn’t expecting to find out the stuff revealed in it anytime soon so I’m pleasantly surprised. Also, I’ve been feeling rather negatively towards Sara, particularly after finding out what she did to Steven, so it was nice to have a chapter with her POV again. It was good to be reminded that even though she was very manipulative and did some really bad things, she was just a teenage girl. It was nice (although sad) to learn a tiny bit more about her father’s death as well. It really humanised her for me, as did the fact she seemed to feel remorse for killing Miranda. It was interesting to learn that she didn’t plan to kill her all along. I’ll admit, a part of me was leaning in that direction. I’m not sure, I just got that vibe, but obviously it was not the right one xD Anyway, I really wonder what Miranda did to make Sara say she deserved what she got, though. Was it just general nastiness or something specific? Or both? :P

    I was happy to find out that Sara did know about JTG as well. That was something I expected, but even so it was good to have confirmation. I feel sorry for Sara, having to deal with JTG’s stalking without the support of Snow and the others for such a long time :( Still, although Snow and Co. seem convinced at the end, I’m still not really sure if JTG was the one who killed her. I mean, it’s certainly possible, even likely after this chapter, but then Sara’s ghosty thing did say that she didn’t think JTG and her killer were the same people in the last chapter. Maybe something happened with JTG that makes her think JTG wasn’t her murderer. It’s definitely possible that they’re connected though. Or maybe I’m wrong and they’re right and JTG did murder her.

    I’m curious about Miranda’s parents, even more so now than I was before. I’m very suspicious of them, particularly since I found out Miranda’s stepfather is called Tony and I have a very strong distrust of people named Tony :P Anyway, I’m really looking forward to seeing how their meeting with her parents goes. At the very least, it’ll provide some interesting insights into what Miranda herself was like. I wonder who Sara was talking to after she found that note from JTG, too. At the moment I think they might be Steven, simply because he was talking to her before and it would make sense. If it is Steven, I wonder why she asked him for help and no-one else. But I’m not even close to being certain about that, because it could just as likely refer to someone else that hasn’t appeared or hasn’t had their secrets revealed yet :P Still, for now my hunch is on Steven.

    And by the way, I liked the part when Sara said she’s set the world on fire for Snow xD I don’t know if it actually means anything but I thought it was a cool reference to JTG’s various shenanigans with the song.

    Commented on: January 4, 2016

  • Toto Caelo: The Beginning

    Hey, sorry for taking a while to continue with this X.X I haven't seemed to have any free time over the past couple of days... Anyway, I really enjoyed this chapter. The story a bit difficult to follow at times, because there’s a lot of new information given at once and it’s quite hard to sift through it all and understand what’s going on, but once I read it over for a second time I could mostly grasp what was going on, although I did still get confused at parts. The part of the chapter I liked best was when they were talking to the old man in the tent. I really wonder what he means by all this son of Luna, daughter of Nox, etc. etc. stuff. I wonder if it has anything to do with how they ended up in this world in the first place, and why Stag is taking them to meet the Lunar Eclipse. The rest of this chapter was good too – at least, in a writing sense, because what happened was really sad :( I really felt for Alicia after she tried so hard to save that woman but failed. I admire her for trying, though. It’s certainly not an easy thing to stand up to people like that. She has a really good heart and because of that she’s my favourite character (at least, for the moment – it’s only the second chapter, after all xD). Anyway, the ending was intriguing as well. I’m really looking forward to see what this Lunar Eclipse woman has to say, and if she’ll shed any light on why the four of them ended up in this world and any other mysteries.

    Your descriptions are really good for the most part, but there are some areas, such as when you’re describing the fat man and his actions, where I feel you’re almost describing too much. Or rather, you’re saying the same thing over and over again, but in different ways. At one point you said the fat man had an “elitist and racist attitude” which is already rather obvious, so it seemed a bit pointless to say it and you’re telling the readers how to feel about him (although you’d hope most would come to that conclusion anyway :P). I also felt some of his dialogue tags and description seemed a bit over the top – using tags such as “oinked” and “squawked”, for example. I found the whole scene hard to take seriously because of that. That’s just my opinion, though, and ultimately it’s what you decide is best.

    In terms of grammar issues and stuff, the main problem I see in your writing is the switching between past and present tense, sometimes in a single sentence. In some places the dialogue was phrased awkwardly, such as here:

    ‘"Oh come in, come in my dears," his wise Arabian voice spoke and the three entered on command.’

    It seems awkward to phrase this as though his voice is doing the speaking. The man is the one speaking, so it should be phrased: ‘“Oh come in, come in my dears,” he said in his wise Arabian voice as the three entered on command.’ Or something like that. Sorry if that’s confusing, I’m not very good at explaining myself ^^; Another thing I noticed is that there are places where you need to be more clear whom you’re referring to when you say “he” or “she”. For example, during the scene with Soulsiv, the Journeyer woman and Alicia, sometimes I couldn’t tell who you meant when you said she, which made the scene quite confusing on my first read through.

    Despite all my various gripings, I did really enjoy reading this chapter. There’s a lot of intriguing information and the chapter ends in a good place, encouraging me to read on and discover who exactly this woman is and what she wants with them. Good job! :)

    Commented on: January 3, 2016

  • Gifted

    Thanks for commenting! :) I’m glad the story is intriguing so far. Haha, quite a lot of people have compared this story to The Hunger Games, at first, anyway xD Thanks for the feedback. It’s very helpful :) 

    Commented on: January 2, 2016

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! I’m glad you like this chapter although personally, I don’t like it much at all :/ I had to make a lot of changes to my original plan for this chapter and the next because I realised my original vision wasn’t very plausible, but I’m not really sure if this version is all that much better. Oh well. I tried xD Anyway, I’m glad that the events of the story are surprising. I always tend to worry that my supposed plot twists are totally obvious/cliché, so I’m glad to hear at some things are unexpected :P

    As for Carey’s Gift, it is harder to detect than the others. At first glance, many Gifted wouldn’t notice her Gift because the feeling they get is much less potent. But if they take the time to concentrate they will sense it, although it’s still not as strong a feeling as for other Gifts. Still, it’s unlikely she would have been missed if her powers were present as a baby, because the Assessors are specifically looking for it and so would take more care to be sure it was there or not, like 256 did.

    As for 571, she’s probably as conflicted as you are ;) She’s torn between the part of her that’s a law-abiding Gifted citizen and the part that wants to rescue 805. Her attitude about the Servant is really the same as most of the Gifted, though. Servants are little more than furniture to most of them, and many are treated very cruelly by the Gifted. That’s the main reason why 805’s Servant got involved with 571’s zany scheme to rescue him, because he was one of the few Gifted to ever show her an ounce of kindness. It really saddened me to kill her :( She wasn’t going to die originally, but when I changed the chapter I didn’t feel like 571 would keep her alive since she knew too much :/ Anyway, I’ll stop there before this turns into an essay xD I could go on and on about the Servants, because to me they’re oft forgotten group by both the Gifted and the rebels that really have it the worst out of everyone. Although to be fair, the general nonGifted population and the rebels don’t usually know about the Servants, and if they do they don’t know much about their lives. Okay, I really will stop now xD Thanks again for commenting.

    Commented on: December 30, 2015

  • Toto Caelo: The Beginning

    Overall, this was a very intriguing first chapter. I really like your dialogue, it’s very natural and even though it’s only been one chapter I feel like each character has their own distinct way of talking. That’s something I struggle with, so I admire you :) In general, I think your characterisation is really good. All the characters are interesting and have their own distinct personality. I’m really interested to see what will happen to them and how they’ll develop as the story progresses. Stag intrigues me the most. He’s got some secrets, I think xD The plot is interesting as well. I really liked the ending, with Moira’s speech to Alicia, and the way the four others were waiting for her and smiled proudly. It was a really good way to end the chapter, on a heart-warming note.

    There were a few grammar issues I spotted throughout the chapter. There were a few incidences where you switched into present tense, particularly when you were trying to convey a character’s thought process, and it was quite jarring at times. Also, sometimes you don’t make it clear enough who’s speaking. For example, in this sentence: ‘He had a kind of rustic charm about him, one Raven had picked up upon, her defences were down, though the charm wasn't working on Keilum, "You haven't told us who you are."’ The whole sentence is phrased oddly (I think you should split it into two) and it’s difficult to tell who’s talking. There were a few other instances like this throughout the chapter. But overall, your writing is good. I liked the description you used, both of the setting and the characters. It’s very vibrant and you’ve done a good job of bringing the world to life.

    Anyway, one other thing I think you could work on is adding more context to this chapter. I’m really confused about why the four of them are in this world in the first place, and whether they knew of its existence before, etc. I don’t know, maybe there’s more information in future chapters or it’s supposed to be a mystery, but even so I think adding in a bit more context and background to this chapter wouldn’t hurt. There’s a few hints, like mentions of Rory’s witch girlfriend and the tests they supposedly went through, but overall there isn’t much and I can’t tell if the four of them came from our world or another fantasy world. But, overall this is a good start and I’ll read the next chapter as soon as I can :) 

    Commented on: December 29, 2015

  • Snowfall

    :’( Poor Ariana… It’s so sad to see her slowly getting sicker and sicker.  I can only imagine how horrible that must be for Kayla, to have to watch her go through this illness and be unable to help in any substantial way. I’m glad the topic of telling Snow came up again though. I was starting to wonder when it would. I’m worried about how she’ll react. Obviously in a normal situation it would be horrible for her to hear her mother’s dying, but she’s already dealing with so much… She’s so shell-shocked and broken already, I’m worried about how far she’ll fall when she learns the truth. Although I do want Kayla and Ariana to tell Snow since she deserves to know, I’m still dreading that chapter because I know how depressing it’ll be :’(

    I really liked Snow and Mary’s conversation. It was heartwarming, but really sad at the same time :( I was glad to see Snow dispel Mary’s fears that her friends would turn against her, but at the same time it makes me sad that Mary seems to blame herself for disliking Michael… She shouldn’t have to find a way to be okay with him, and it saddens me that she feels that way :( Even so, it’s heartwarming that she knows Snow (and Clara and Nikki) really do love her and won’t leave her alone. I think she really needed to hear that, and hopefully it’ll help her gain some confidence as well.

    Sara’s reappearance was very interesting as well. I’m really curious about what she is. She’s obviously more than a ghost, since she was able to move that drawer and everything. It seems to me like she’s a Guide, or something like it anyway. I’m not too sure, though. I mean, Guides are the only thing I know about. For all I know there’s a tonne of positions dead people can have to help the living. Perhaps Sara’s one of those, or something else entirely.

    Moving on, I’m also curious about what she was looking for. My first thought is that she’s looking for the money, and since Snow took it out she can’t find it. Perhaps even though she’s a Guide/spirit/whatever she’s still working on whatever it was she was involved in before she died. Maybe she wanted the money so she could use it, but since Snow gave it back to Steven it’s not there anymore. That’s my theory for the moment, anyway xD Still, I am curious to see what they’ll find if they search through the rest of Sara’s stuff. As for Miranda’s parents, I’m curious to see how that’ll go as well. I’d never really considered them before, but Snow is right in that they could potentially be involved. And even if they’re not, they could have some interesting insights on Miranda and what Sara knew about her.  Anyway, overall this was a really good chapter and I’m really nervous to see what happens next. 

    Commented on: December 10, 2015

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! Well, the coffee must have been working because it all made perfect sense to me xD Anyway, 256 is most certainly the idealist of the group. Slowly, but surely he is forming his own ideas about where he wants the rebellion to go and how he wants the island to be. The Gifted will always be a part of his personal identity and he really does wish for peace above all else.

    256 sees 805 and Samantha as a test, I suppose you could say. If they’d instantly bonded and become a family he’d feel more reassured that if he meets his parents they’ll feel the same way. But, really it’s not very productive for him to compare his own situation to theirs, because although they are similar in the sense that they both have a Gifted/nonGifted parent/child type relationship, there really isn’t much else that’s similar between them. The roles are reversed for one, since 805’s the Gifted party instead of Sam. And as you say, they’ve got plenty more issues between them that have nothing to do with 805’s Gift. In fact, 805’s Gift doesn’t bother Samantha at all. She’d hate him just as much if he were nonGifted xD  

    Lol, that’s Samantha. Keepin’ it real, yo :P Tact really isn’t one of her strong points. But hey, she’s probably getting sick of all their dithering xD I’m glad you like 256’s second-guessing and questioning of his feelings. I’m always worried people will find it annoying. As for Brooke, I’m glad she’s likeable. I enjoy the way she speaks too :P  

    Although Janelle is beginning to accept Reagan’s death, it’ll be a long time before she’s truly okay with it, if she ever does move on. It’ll be very difficult for her to do so if she doesn’t find out more about Reagan’s motives, but that’s easier said than done :/ Realistically, she’s never going to find out everything. Sure, it’s entirely possible she’ll find out some things but she’ll never truly know Reagan’s personal feelings. Still, hopefully she’ll learn enough so she can either have or guess the answers she seeks.

    I should probably change that to “fallen tree branch” to avoid confusion xD It’s funny you should mention Katniss, because when I was describing Brooke I had a moment where I thought: huh, she looks kind of like Katniss now I think about it. At least, they both have a long braid :P Plus I just came home from watching Mockingjay part 2 so it’s almost like fate xD

    Commented on: December 9, 2015

  • Snowfall

    Sorry for taking so long to get to this X.X I’ve wanted to read it for ages, and I finally finished my exams yesterday so at last I’m free again <3 Anyway, this chapter just left me more confused than ever on the Michael front xD I really don’t know what to think of him right now :P I mean, he seems nice, and he seems to really care about Snow. I do believe Zoe when she says he loves her, but… He’s still creepy xD I don’t know, even without the Mary thing, he just has this vibe of creepiness. Still, at least Snow and Michael are taking their relationship slowly. That’s something, at least. In a way though, I suppose it doesn’t make much of a difference. She’s still falling for him :/

    Zoe’s comments about JTG left me very curious. The fact she called JTG a him before Michael corrected her makes me wonder if that’s a hint to JTG’s true identity. After all, I wouldn’t be surprised if Zoe knew exactly who he/she was and stuff. But maybe she really did just make a mistake and you’re just trolling me xD Still, considering Zoe called them mortals and stuff perhaps that means that JTG doesn’t have any magical powers of any kind. If that’s true, it makes her even scarier, in a way, because that means she spent a lot more time and effort into everything in this chapter and the alphabet soup and just everything else than she would’ve if she was magical. But then, she could still be magical, despite what Zoe said. I mean there are some things that seem really difficult to do without magical help, so maybe JTG does have access to magical powers of some sort (and perhaps they don’t belong to her) and Zoe doesn’t know about it.

    Moving, the second part of the chapter was definitely… shocking, I suppose you could say. I’m sorry, I know that was terrible xD Anyway, in all seriousness, everything that happened was horrible :( The part with Mary and Snow was really well-written and scary, and although I didn’t really expect Snow to die I was still quite relieved when she turned out to be okay. The second test was just as frightening as the first, perhaps even more so. It really proves how far JTG will go :/ And even though Clara and the rest gave in eventually, they still held out for an incredibly long time and I’m proud of them. I really hope they’ll be able to bounce back from this quickly, but it seems unlikely. JTG’s back, and as Snow said, she’s worse than ever before :/

    Still, after this chapter it does seem more likely that JTG is a group of people, or one person with a group of people at her disposal, because otherwise I don’t see how she could have overcome them all like that. Also, I wonder why Steven was the only one out of the guys who got knocked out. Was it just because he was closest to the girls when they were knocked out or is there another reason? It’s very curious… I wonder why she chose Mary, too, for the first test. I mean, Snow makes sense since JTG appears to be most fixated on her, but Mary… I suppose it’s probably because Mary’s been ostracising herself from the rest of the group, and perhaps JTG wanted to test how far apart she and Snow had become over the Michael thing.

    Anyway, overall this was a really good and scary chapter. I’m glad no-one died, but I’m still feeling really nervous. I hope they have some sort of victory over JTG soon, even if it’s just a small one. I mean, in the war with JTG they’re losing pretty badly, but surely there’s only one to go from here. Up! Sorry for the cheesiness, by the way xD It’s way too late for my tired brain :P

    Commented on: November 20, 2015

  • Snowfall

    Poor Steven :( :( :( I feel so bad for him. I definitely didn’t expect Sara’s money to have come from him (or any of the gang, really), much less that she blackmailed him in such a cruel way into giving her all that. I thought she got it from selling drugs or something xD I’ve watched too much Breaking Bad, that much is clear. I really wonder what she was going to do with all that money. I really have no idea what it could’ve been for, at the moment. There’s still a lot about her that’s a complete mystery and I really hope we find out more soon, but I’m not very confident that’ll happen :P I’m sure she’ll remain a mystery for a good while longer xD

    Brad’s story was sad :( It was interesting to learn more about him. I wonder what sort of stuff his mother was into – was it something fairly mundane (like drugs, which was admittedly my first reaction… Yep, way too much Breaking Bad xD) or something more magical? I found Karen rather interesting too. I’m not sure why, but she seemed fairly emphasized for a minor character (and she plays/played trombone! Tromb players unite! :P) so I’m wondering if she’ll have an important role in the future.

    Noooo, Snow. Why???? :( I can’t say I didn’t expect her and Michael to become a couple sooner rather than later, but I’m really worried all the same. I just feel really sad for her, because I know she’s going to be really hurt and the more she falls for him the worse it’ll be :/ Still, at least Snow knows that Romeo and Juliet aren’t a couple to aspire too xD That’s something that doesn’t happen often enough in my opinion. Anyway, although I’m really frightened for Snow now she and Michael are officially a couple, it’s definitely an interesting turn of events and writing-wise a good decision.

    Anyway, that ending was definitely the most surprising part of the chapter :P I was expecting Emilia to be involved with something nefarious, but I was more thinking she’d be part of the JTG side of things. Of course, she still could be, but I didn’t think she’d know about whatever her dad and that other guy are up to. Still, her apparent magic powers/magic lip gloss/whatever are very interesting… It’s certainly a very likely explanation for how she managed to seduce Jackson. I’m also curious because Snow said her lips tasted liked strawberries, and Kayla was always saying that Ariana smelled/tasted like strawberries… I wonder if there’s a supernatural connection there or something xD Or perhaps I’m just reading too far into things. That's probably more likely.

    One thing I thought, is that Snow’s reaction to Steven telling her he was gay was a little lacking. I mean, since he said it was really hard for him to say and no-one knew about it and his parents wouldn’t understand, etc., I would expect her to reassure him about that specifically as well as Sara using his secret to blackmail him into giving her ten grand. I don’t know, for me that part just felt like something was missing.  Anyway, aside from that I thought this was a really good chapter. I wonder if Emilia and Co. will actually be able to find and kill Zoe (her name is Zoe, right? Now I think about it I’m not sure, but Zoe seems right xD). I guess Snow really must be “the one” they keep talking about for them to comment like that… I guess that’s yet another thing I have to worry about ;)

    Commented on: November 1, 2015

  • Snowfall

    It was really nice to see Jacob go home at last. I’d almost forgotten he was still in the hospital, what with everything else that’s been going on. I feel sorry for him though, not only because he’s paralysed but because he has to go home without hi sister… :( Poor guy. As for Jacob possibly being JTG… I don’t know. I don’t think he is – I mean, I can’t really see JTG saying out loud something that could lead to Snow and Co. drawing a conclusion that they were JTG. Surely even she can’t be that much of a troll :P If JTG is a single person, then I think it’s a coincidence, but if JTG is multiple people I guess I could see Jacob being one of them. I don’t think it’s likely, but it’s possible I suppose. Especially since, it’s pretty clear (in my opinion, anyway, and I could be completely wrong xD) that JTG must have some sort of supernatural power… After all, I don’t see how else she could’ve made all the pasta into those three letters :P I mean, if she didn’t that would take her absolutely forever to do, and even then she wouldn’t be sure Snow would be the one to eat it, so some sort of supernatural ability seems undeniable now. Either that, or she has way too much time on her hands xD

    Poor Mary :( I felt awful for her throughout this chapter, more so than usual. She seems so isolated and alone right now, at a time when she really needs not to feel that way, with the Michael thing and JTG stalking them. I do wonder if one of them, not Snow but hopefully Nikki or Clara, will figure out that Mary must know something about Michael that she’s not saying. Particularly given she was texted whilst trying to turn Snow away from him, if I were them I would immediately suspect it was JTG instead of Emily xD But then, who knows? They both went off to join Snow in the end, so perhaps they do just think Mary’s being irrational. I really wish someone would give her a hug :’( She really needs one, I think, but I don’t think she’s likely to get one.

    Speaking of Michael, he continues to be creepy :P At least he doesn’t disappoint. I always know what to expect from him xD I’m happy Ariana showed him what he’ll be dealing with if he tries anything though. Not that I really think he’d do anything to Snow, it’s the others I’m worried about, but… Like Snow says, it makes me hopeful that if somehow Ariana and Kayla find out about JTG, their wrath will be enough to stop her xD Or at least be very helpful in stopping her.

    That ending… Eeep. For some reason I’m imagining that scene for The Phantom of the Opera, where the Phantom makes the chandelier swing and stuff and then that guy gets hanged. I don’t know why that was the first thing that popped into my mind when reading what they (presumably JTG, but I’ll keep my options open) were buying xD I’m not even sure if that’s exactly how that scene went, it’s been so long since I saw the musical. Anyway, I hope nobody gets hanged.

    One thing I thought was odd, was when Michael and Snow arrived at the hospital and Clara noted that Mary was glaring at him like he was pond scum. Considering what he did to her I would’ve thought she’d be more submissive, I suppose you could say. I would’ve expect her to look away and avoid looking at him, or something like that, rather than glaring at him. I don’t know, I just think that would be a more natural reaction if she’s afraid of him.

    Commented on: October 22, 2015

  • Cursed

    Haha, yes Thomas is fine… For now :P Victor could still be a cannibal, just give him a bit more time. Still, he is definitely right about Sam forgiving Janelle. As you say, there isn’t much she could do that would mean Sam would never ever forgive her.

    For Alice, whenever Caleb or Marina goes away on a mission it may be the last time she ever sees them. She’s seen it happen with other rebels, so she feels it’s only a matter of time before one of them won’t come back. Psh, Caleb was totally telling the truth when he said he forgot something. Why would he ever lie? xD As for Ben and Lily, their married life was based off them having a child, so losing their son definitely drove a wedge between them that couldn’t be fixed :/ Still, there is a lot more to Ben’s story that hasn’t been revealed yet as well. There’s a reason why he left his village instead of just leaving his wife, and a further reason why he joined the rebels. As for Wesley, it’s not that he feels jealous/malicious or anything. He was under the impression Janelle was just like him – not really into the rebellion, just doing it because she wanted a loved one back, etc. etc. So he was surprised to learn Janelle would actually take an interest in a leadership role.

    I had a fingernail ripped off once, many eons ago. It was very painful indeed :/ Of course, it was more a case of me being the accident-prone klutz I am rather than it happening during torture. Anyway, the Leader does think pretty highly of herself. Just a tad :P Still, it’s rather hard for her not to think that way, considering how she was brought up – not only was the told she was one of the elite (like the rest of the Gifted) she was told she was the one chosen to lead them. I think most people would be at least a little bit narcissistic if they grew up hearing that all the time :P

    Commented on: October 3, 2015

  • Snowfall

    Okay, I have a solo essay to write, a group essay with a partner I have to nag into submission and a test to study for, but instead I’m going to sit here and read this chapter and procrastinate the night away. I hate myself :P

    Anyway, unlike Ariana, I’m not so sure if Snow’s judgment can be trusted on the Michael front (sorry, Snow :P). I mean, I don’t think Michael’s evil (and not just because I don’t believe in that word :P) but he’s clearly capable of doing bad things to achieve his goals… And while I do semi-trust that he won’t do anything to hurt Snow, I definitely don’t trust him with anyone else xD And she has been wrong about people before (Sara – although I don’t think she was a ‘bad person’ either, she definitely wasn’t as great as Snow thought she was), so I’ll definitely be keeping a wary eye on him. Hopefully Kayla and Ariana will be too :P

    Anyway Michael as usual doesn’t disappoint with his creepiness :P I really hope Snow sees sense and doesn’t rush into things with him, but… Well, let's just say I’m preparing myself for the opposite to happen. I feel really, really bad for her though, because I know how much she’ll be hurt later on when she finds out about Mary… :’( :’(  Their age difference really squicks me out too. I feel bad and judgemental but I can’t help it xD Maybe it’s because every time I think of their ten year age difference I automatically think of my eldest brother, because he’s ten years older than me. And that makes me even more creeped out by Michael than I already am, even though he bears no relation to Snow so I’m unfairly judging him in that sense. Although I don’t know. Maybe they are secretly related :P Conspiracy theories are fun.

    Anyway, the ending of the chapter was probably my favourite part. Firstly, JTG has decided to involve Sophia… Eep. I hope she’ll be okay. Secondly, her text was very interesting… She makes it sound like one person killed both of them. But then that doesn’t fit with Snow and Co.’s recollection of Miranda’s death, unless Sara killed herself which I don’t really see happening. Although I could be wrong. Still, perhaps they were wrong and someone else was behind Miranda’s death…  Or maybe JTG’s just trolling and a separate person killed each of them.

    Also, this Founder’s Day event thingy sounds ominous. Something tells me some shenanigans will go down there…

    Commented on: September 29, 2015

  • Gifted

    Thanks for the comments! Don’t worry, you’re not the first who thought she left him permantently at the end of the last chapter ^^; I really do need to make that more obvious. Thanks for pointing out the repetition and stuff too. Honestly I think I’ll just end up rewriting these early chapters (again, because I already rewrote them once but I rushed it very badly xD) eventually. So I apologize for the bad quality. I think (well, I hope) the writing gets better around chapter 17/18.

    Commented on: September 27, 2015

  • In Love With Air

    Another enjoyable chapter. I was surprised Neil could see ghosts, especially since the ghost he could see was Malcolm xD That was definitely something I didn’t expect, but in a way I felt it did come almost a little too much out of nowhere. I guess, if you plan to edit this story, you could add a bit of foreshadowing earlier in. I just felt that Malcolm’s feelings about not seeing ghosts seemed very genuine, especially that time he said “I wish someone could see me, damn it!” or something along those lines :P Sorry, I can’t be bothered looking back and seeing what the exact line was xD But then, I’m not particularly observant so perhaps there was foreshadowing and I just missed it ^^

    That said, I enjoyed the way you wrote the first part of the chapter. It was exciting when they were following Neil through the streets, and the reveal certainly wasn’t disappointing. I wonder if anyone else can see ghosts… I’m curious to see what will happen next, with Naomi. Surely it will be difficult for Neil/Peter to explain that no, he’s not cheating on her, he’s meeting a ghost and drawing their designs for them xD  I'm not sure how well that'll go over, if it comes to that.

    Commented on: September 25, 2015

  • The Killer

    Thanks for the comment! Nate really is obsessed with Brandon being Lauren’s murderer. In his mind, Brandon being the murderer will solve all his problems – he won’t be the main suspect anymore, Lauren will be at peace, and he’ll be able to get on with his life. Since he didn’t really like Brandon all that much to begin with and he does potentially have the motive to murder her, he was an easy target for Nate’s suspicion. As you say, his belief that Brandon killed Lauren is really very irrational and isn’t getting him anywhere. I think counselling would be good for him, but in his current state of mind he’s never going to agree to it.  

    As for Lauren and Brandon possibly having an affair, well I can’t say much on the matter :P But it’s a good theory and you’ll find out what really happened, regardless of what it is, very soon.

    And lol, my dog is a miniature schnauzer too xD Bonnie is pretty much my dog - similar age, similar dramatic sighs, similar nose pushing antics... :P The only difference is her name - I named Bonnie after this dog at the dogs' refuge home I volunteer at who was adopted a couple of months ago. So Bonnie's really a combination of my two favourite dogs :3

    Commented on: September 23, 2015

  • Snowfall

    I’m glad that we finally found what happened with Miranda. I wasn’t expecting the story (if it is the full story, anyway) to be revealed anytime soon, so that made me happy xD Although, it definitely raises a lot more questions. Firstly, I wonder what it was Sara knew about Miranda. I really don’t have any idea what it could be, since I don’t know much about Miranda in general… But since it made Miranda apparently go ballistic and attack her, it must’ve been something serious.

    I’m curious about why JTG targeted Jackson and Steven too, assuming she is targeting the others because of the Miranda thing. Unlike Snow I think Steven was targeted for more than just him knowing too much… Surely there’s more to it than that. But then again, I really have no idea, since I don’t know any of Steven’s secrets yet xD And Jackson’s too, aside from his night with Emilia. Anyway, I hope Steven is successful with his hacking or whatever of Sara’s computer. I’m really curious to learn more about her plans and everything, so I hope there’s lots of answers to be found on it :P

    Well Snow, you might be completely worryless when being massaged by Michael but I am very much creeped out xD Still, I feel really bad for her, since Michael’s one of the few people she feels she can really trust and when she finds out about Mary, her image of him will be shattered. I just hope it happens sooner rather than later, which would hopefully lessen the blow at least a little bit. But then even if Michael does tell her his secrets he’s highly unlikely to open that can of worms along with everything else he’s been hiding, so that means Mary herself will probably have to mention it (or Emily, I suppose, but that seems unlikely) which I don’t see happening for a while :/ I hope I’m wrong. I want to see Michael get his arse handed to him for that xD

    Commented on: September 22, 2015

  • In Love With Air

    Sorry for the long time between comments. My midsems are finally over so I can start reading again :3 Anyway, I’ll stop rambling. I enjoyed reading this chapter. Jake and Peter’s scenes together were sweet as always, and there was plenty to be intrigued about. Avril being able to see him is definitely something I didn’t expect… And I’m really curious to find out what Neil’s up to :P Anyone who’s out in a thunderstorm like that must have something to hide, and I’m really looking forward to reading on and seeing what his deal is.

    I guess one thing I found strange is that Avril, like Peter before her, seems remarkably calm for someone who just discovered the existence of ghosts. She seems to take it in her stride quite easily which I find a bit odd :P Also, and sorry for my nerdy griping, but it irked me a little when Peter was studying DNA and photosynthesis at the same time. Those topics are quite different – I would think it would be something like, respiration and photosynthesis. Or DNA and DNA synthesis. Again, I’m sorry for being such a nerd xD

    Commented on: September 19, 2015

  • Under the Milky Way: Repulse Prelude

    And the truth about Scarlett is finally revealed xD Her hair colour… How dare she deceive me with its redness :P Anyway I was really glad to find out the connection between her and Abby at last. I didn’t think Scarlett would be her daughter (since she mentioned her other daughters before, it didn’t seem to work), but I was kind of surprised to see she was Abby’s sister’s daughter. I was thinking cousin or little sister or something :P Which doesn’t make much sense, because age-wise niece is more plausible since there’s a large age-gap between her and Abby. But now I think about it, I have cousins who are pushing 40, so that’s a twenty year age gap between us, which is even larger xD Sorry for rambling, by the way. I’m slightly brain-dead from the endless study I’ve been doing for the past week.

    Anyway, I’d be surprised if Scarlett doesn’t notice the resemblance between them, especially now she’s gone back to her natural colour. She’s smart girl. Maybe it’ll take her a while, but I’m sure she’ll notice how much she looks like Abby eventually, if she hasn’t already and has just been keeping it quiet. I wonder what she’ll do when she finds out. I guess in a way it wouldn’t change much – Scarlett’s adoptive family’s still dead and so is her birth mother (presumably). But as Abby said, it would make her even more determined to be adopted by her. But unlike Abby, I think it’s a good idea – would she really be happy, now she’s met Scarlett and formed a bond with her, watching her go off to live with a foster family where she may not be treated well? Somehow I don’t think she would.

    It’s nice to see Abby becoming a little bit more… open, I suppose? I mean, she’s still pretty closed off, but it’s nice to see she’s starting to consider a relationship with Jake… I think it would be good of her to experience something like that again. And I’m sure it would make him very happy too ;) Still, I’m not really sure what will happen between them, after the end. She seems a tad annoyed with him, even though I think he spoke the truth :P Anyway, overall I really liked this chapter. I’m glad to get some answers to those questions and am curious to see what will happen now. I hope it’s nothing terrible, at least not for a while xD I don’t think my heart can take it.

    Commented on: September 12, 2015

  • In Love With Air

    I can’t say I was expecting Avril to be able to see Jake. That makes things a lot more complicated… I really have no idea why she’d be able to see him as well. I’d say the two of them have an inherited ability to see ghosts or something like then, but then as proven with Malcolm, Peter presumably can’t see any ghost but Jake, so… Who knows? It’s all very intriguing. Speaking of Malcolm, I feel really bad for him :( You did a really good job with the first part of the chapter. I could feel how crushed he was.  Anyway, the rest of the chapter was good too; Jake and Peter’s conversation about Black Butler was amusing (I have a friend who loves that amine so Peter reminded me a lot of her in this chapter xD) and as I said the ending with Avril was really intriguing. I’m looking forward to reading on.

    The paragraph starting with: “If Wednesday’s weather…” was for some reason in a much smaller font that the rest of the story. I’m not sure if that’s something you did or if it was the site playing up, but I thought I’d point it out.

    Commented on: September 4, 2015

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! Heheh, that’s funny because for me I struggled to think of what Gifts of Water would be afraid of xD I don’t really know why, because the other three were easy for me to think of :P Anyway, 805 really doesn’t remember. He wouldn’t hide something like this, not when he can see how desperate 256 is to know. I wouldn’t say it’s an 100% given he won’t remember though (if he survives, of course :P) – if he thinks about it and something happens to jog his memory, it’s possible he’ll remember it.

    As for glasses and the bows and arrows, only a select few of the Gifted know about these inventions. The Council knew bows and arrows existed but the ordinary Gifted did not, that was the main problem. They were, after all, the ones who sent a letter telling the ordinary Gifted what the weapons the rebels were using were once they'd had the chance to examine them. Same with glasses, the ordinary Gifted have no use for them because none of them can read and they don’t hand out glasses for those with prematurely bad eyesight. The Council members who need glasses are not allowed to wear them in front of ordinary Gifted, just like they’re not allowed to tell the ordinary Gifted about any of the other technology the Council uses.

    For a history noob like Carey reading that chapter was very disturbing, but it was my intention for it to be fairly obvious to everyone else that the Gifted were stretching the truth with their account :P Of course, it’s not completely a lie and the major events are more or less accurate. It’s the reasons behind those events and the situations the factions were in that are just a tad dramatized to make the Gifted look like the oppressed, pure-hearted group. The Queens of the Stars, whether real or not, are the objects of worship for Tarantians. Or at least they were, since the island seceded from Tarantis a long time ago so they perhaps they worship something else now, or have a modified version of their original religion :P They’re meant to have to have a “Mother Nature” vibe, which is why they’re Queens instead of Kings like I originally planned xD Anyway, although the whole island, not just the Gifted, is devoid of religion in the present, it may not have always been that way. After all, the book Carey reads only chronicles the first 200 years after the Gifted took power, and was probably written around 300-400 years into the Gifted’s reign. A lot of time has passed since then so perhaps when it written they still worshipped the Tarantian religion.

    Haha, yeah overall they haven’t been very sneaky :P The Leader and Co. was onto them from almost the very beginning. As for 805 and the woman he supposedly killed, I’m not really sure if I’ll ever reveal the full truth about that. Part of it, yes, but not the whole story because 805 has kept it hidden for a reason :P

    Commented on: August 31, 2015

  • Snowfall

    I really don’t know what to think of Michael now :P He was perfectly nice in this chapter and his concern for Snow is convincing, but… I still get a creepy vibe from him, even if I put aside the whole situation with Mary. Maybe it’s because even if Michael has the best intentions in the world, he’s still ten years older than her. I’m not totally against large gaps in relationships or something like that, but when one of the people involved is only sixteen it feels very slimy to me xD Anyway, I’m really wondering what’ll happen when Snow finds out about Mary, if she does. Surely she will, at some point, and it’s sure to knock him down a peg or two million in her mind - even if he does end up having a good reason for it. Heheh, he is a quick thinker though, I’ll give him that. But although Snow may have been convinced by his excuse for using a sword to fend off JTG, I was not convinced in the slightest :P To be fair, I do have prior knowledge, but… Eh.

    Anyway, the second part of the chapter was just as interesting as the first. I’m glad there was a bit more information about Miranda… And Mary’s theory definitely raised a few good points. But, even though what she’s saying could make sense I think Sara is definitely dead. There is, in my opinion, too much evidence to think otherwise :P Now, she could still be JTG as some sort of ghost/guide thing, but like Snow I don’t think Sara would be like that. No matter what, I do think she cared about her friends and she’d never torment them like this. In my opinion she’s more likely to be S if anything, and even that I'm sceptical of. Miranda, though… I could see her being JTG, as a ghost or alive. I don’t know, just from the girls’ description of her, it seems possible. And it would make sense, especially if she is really dead because then she’d want revenge for her own death and perhaps she’s most focussed on Snow because Snow’s the current queen bee, but… I don’t know. I feel like there’s something I’m missing, and that connection to Snow doesn’t feel personal enough. Anyway, I think I’ve confused myself enough for the night xD Theory crafting is hard work.

    One thing I was rather surprised about is that Snow can apparently read Latin, since it’s not a language commonly taught anymore :P

    Commented on: August 25, 2015

  • In Love With Air

    Sorry for the long time between comments. School has not been kind to me… X.X I realise I forgot to review Boy as well, even though I said I would… Sorry >.< I’ll try and get to it this week, I promise. Anyway, overall I really liked this chapter. I liked the humour of it especially – those poor tourists :P I can only imagine how weird it would be to see someone making out with apparently thin air. I’m really intrigued to see what’ll happen next, with Malcolm. Poor guy :( I didn’t really think that Peter would be able to see him, but I feel sorry for Malcolm anyway. I think Peter can see Jake for a reason, so hopefully there is someone out there who can see Malcolm.

    I’m sorry to be a nerd, but there was one thing that bothered me in this chapter about Peter’s schoolwork :P It was near the beginning, when he states: “Biology was difficult enough, the complex names and theorems” Theorem is usually a term used in mathematics, etc and tends to involve equations. It’s not really something I’d generally associate with biology. Sorry again, it’s not that important, but the biology nerd inside me wouldn’t let it go :P

    Another thing that surprised me was the fact there wasn’t a bus for them to catch for another 45 mins. Now, I’ve never visited New York so correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t a really busy city? I would think buses come more often than that. My city’s notorious for its bad public transport, so if I can totally imagine a bus not coming for that long here, but I always thought New York was supposed to have good public transport since it’s got such a dense population and all.

    Commented on: August 24, 2015

  • State of Decay: The Day the World Died

    I felt so bad for Alex :( I think her emotions in this chapter were very well done, especially her reaction to the girl outside, and the part where she said she felt like a frightened little girl when she’d always considered herself one of the guys. Awww :( I think she is handling it pretty well, overall, I mean she managed to act quickly and save her father, even if she didn’t know how well it would work. The whole scene of them moving through the camp was really well done too, I was frightened the whole time for them and I’m really glad they managed to make it through to the ranger’s station. I’m not sure how safe they’ll be there but at least it’s a start.

    It’s also good they’ve found a way of killing them permanently. Well, hopefully anyway :P Perhaps they will get up after a time, but I doubt it. And they appear to be blind as well, although not deaf. Because of that they remind me of the zombies in High School of the Dead. But that’s the only zombie thing I’ve ever watched, so I have no idea if those are standard zombie traits xD.

    I really wonder what’s going on with the rest of the world. I hope they get off the mountain without any further issues so I can find out :P I’m not all that hopeful though… After all, a bus would make a lot of noise, so I’m sure the zombies will notice it and perhaps come after them. Although I suppose they might not stand a chance with a large metal vehicle, but whatever :P I should stop rambling… Overall, this was a good chapter, scary and emotional. I’m really anxious to see what happens next.

    Commented on: August 20, 2015

  • The Killer

    Thanks for the comment! I’m glad it was enjoyable to read :) Thanks for giving your input on the scene with Brandon, and pointing out that error. My intention for that scene was that Nate sort of… Freezes, I suppose, and finds himself unable to really confront him at that point even though he’s completely convinced Brandon killed her. But who knows? Maybe he’ll be brave enough next time xD Anyway, I'll take a look at it.

    Commented on: August 20, 2015

  • In Love With Air

    Wow, their relationship moved a lot faster than I expected :P It makes me even more convinced that there must have been some sort of connection between them before, for them to be holding hands all the time and dating already even though it hasn’t been very long at all. I enjoyed all their interactions in this chapter, they were sweet but surprising at the same time.

    But, despite that I think that Malcolm does have a point (although he was angry when he said it, but whatever). For all Jake knows Peter could ditch him for a human boyfriend. Not that I think Peter will, or ever would, but they’ve only known each other for a day so I think that was a reasonable point for Malcolm to make. I feel really sorry for him though :( Poor guy. I hope he finds someone who can see him too.

    This is a small thing, but at the beginning of the chapter I was rather confused about who’s POV I was in, since I’d been expecting it to switch back to Peter. I figured it was Jake again quickly, but still I think it would be helpful if you stated it was his POV at the top of the chapter like usual so idiots like me don’t get confused xD

    Commented on: August 19, 2015

  • The Killer

    Thanks for the comment! Haha, it seems you put more thought into Jody than I ever did xD Still, that said I think I could write a short story about her. Her main purpose in the story is to show how Lauren’s death and Nate’s obsession with Brandon is affecting his life, in this case, his work.

    Thanks for pointing out those errors too. I’m glad you think this chapter was emotionally impacting, personally I’ve never really been all that satisfied with it…

    Commented on: August 16, 2015

  • In Love With Air

    I still kind of feel like Peter’s accepted the idea of ghosts fairly quickly. Perhaps there’s a reason in the story why this is the case, but for now I find it pretty odd that he seemed to just accept it and then invite the ghost over to his room for the night without much further questioning. Even if he’s not easily spooked, it seems a bit weird he’d accept the presence of the supernatural so easily, you know?

    But, despite my griping I did enjoy the chapter. It’s nice that Peter and Jake have formed a connection so easily, and their interactions were really sweet :) You did a good job at describing Peter’s awe when he saw Jake glowing in the dark. I’m not much of a romantic (what can I say? I’m a cynical old biddy :P) but even I was like, “aww…” xD Also, I do hope Peter gets this puppy society of his going. I know if I went to their school I would join it. Doggies are the best! :3 Sorry for rambling, btw. This is why I shouldn’t comment on things late at night when I woke up at 5 to go to work…

    Commented on: August 15, 2015

  • Under the Milky Way: Repulse Prelude

    Yay, Jake! I thought Abby was gonna leave without him xD I’m glad he’ll be there during the next part of the story, and Scarlett too. Hahaha, speaking of Scarlett she cracked me up in this chapter. Especially when she was telling Jake off towards the end. He’s not the smoothest of fellows, but still, I think he’s pretty much a lost cause in that regard so she could lay off the teasing xD It’s funny how Scarlett acts like a child sometimes (staring at the ice-cream parlour) but then acts very adulty in others, like her rather non-discreet shipping of Jake and Abby. Sorry for rambling, by the way. I woke up at 5 this morning for work so staying up late to comment on things probably wasn’t my best idea ever :P

    It was interesting to see the contrast between Abby in the last chapter and Abby in this one. In this one she seems more... vulnerable, nervous, more unsure of herself. Especially when she was wearing her uniform and nervous about going shopping, it shows how long it must have been since she lived a normal life and could do things like that. I wanna give her a hug :( I hope spending time with Jake and Scarlett will allow her to live normally for a while and hopefully allow her to open herself up a little more. Some peace and quiet will do her good as well, I think. Hopefully, that’s what she gets xD I’m really looking forward to the next few chapters. Any place with more cows than people sounds like a good place to be ;) Gotta love cows.

    Commented on: August 15, 2015

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment!  See, Caleb’s not that bad xD I enjoyed writing about his and Marina’s backstory in this chapter. Caleb may not be the best at expressing compassion but he deeply cares for Marina and Alice and they love him a lot too.

    As for Ben, I’m glad he was likeable. He is very down-to-earth and easy to get along with for the most part, but, like most of the characters he’s got some secrets ;) Still, I’ve grown quite fond of Janelle’s harem so it was fun to write about Ben because I correctly predicted that he’d become the newest member :P  If you’re wondering, Janelle’s harem consists of all the men people have suggested she will have romantic liaisons with in the future – the list consists of Wesley, Thomas, Caleb (tsk, Janelle. Seducing a married man :P) and now Ben, due to my sister’s reaction to this chapter xD

    And hey, who said Tarantis were the bad Otherworlders? :P It all depends on how you look at it – I mean, assuming Hahana and Maui are telling the truth, they of course aren’t the biggest fans of Tarantis since their country’s under threat. But who knows? Perhaps the Zeian government has done something to offend them or something like that. Hahana and Maui, being patriotic members of the military, will gloss over it. Or maybe Tarantis just plan to invade Zeia for the Evulz :P Who knows?  

    Commented on: August 14, 2015

  • The Killer

    Thanks for the comment! I’m glad Nate was relatable in this chapter - I’ve never had a relationship before (ain’t got time for that), so whenever I write about characters’ relationship problems and romantic scenes I’m always worried about how realistic they are xD Thanks for pointing out the issue with the time-skip too.

    Commented on: August 13, 2015

  • Under the Milky Way: Repulse Prelude

    Abby is a very lucky lady, that’s all I can say :P Well, in this chapter. She hasn’t been very lucky for most of the story. I’m rambling already xD Anyway, I really liked that whole scene, when Abby was being questioned by the admirals. It was very tense and I wasn’t sure what to expect until the end, but I’m glad Abby got through and even got promoted. I was proud of the way she explained her actions and then told them off for their own attitude. The speech she made was very impressive and was touching, especially the part about Scarlett. It makes me even more curious to find out what their connection is… I hope we find out soon.

    Anyway, despite Abby's impressive speech, I can’t blame the admirals for being a week bit narked (I feel Scottish tonight) since, despite her best intentions, Abby’s decision to save the ship did indirectly lead to thousands of people dying in the ensuing Na’Vaxii attack, while only one was saved from the wreckage. But, obviously Abby had no way of knowing it would turn out that way. One thing I thought was a bit strange though, was how it was mentioned that there were seven admirals but only three actually spoke when they were interrogating Abby xD

    Aww, Hope. I’m glad she was recognised too, even if she’s a bit nervous about it. Like Abby, I think she’ll do great, if she gets a bit more confidence. I’m really curious to see what happens next. I’m not sure where Abby’s going next or who she’ll be with on their months off, so I’m excited to find out. Unless there’s a time skip or something, in which case I suppose it won’t matter :P

    Commented on: August 12, 2015

  • The Killer

    Thanks for the comment! My intention with that scene was to show how desperate Nate’s become to find someone to blame for Lauren’s death – once he gets the idea that Brandon killed her it starts to consume him. He’s losing his ability to think clearly on the matter, but… now you’ve pointed it out I realise I might’ve made it too large a jump in this chapter xD He’s not quite that desperate, not yet anyway :P I’ll work on that when I’ve got the time. Thanks! :D

    Commented on: August 12, 2015

  • In Love With Air

    The fact that Jake looks exactly Peter’s daydreams of his dream guy makes me wonder if they met when he was still alive, or something like that, and had a connection. But then, surely Peter would’ve mentioned it when he saw Jake if they had met in the past. I’m also curious about Peter’s apparent bad relationship, when he mentioned Naomi or anyone else wasn’t allowed to speak his name. I liked the humour in this chapter, it was very natural (poor Avril :P) and the ending was great too. I’m happy that Peter and Jake have at last met face-to-face. I’m really curious to see what will happen, and how their relationship will develop.

    Anyway, this is something I noticed, but Peter referred to autumn as well, autumn, in this sentence: “Summer was over, but I wasn’t expecting Autumn to take its place quite so quickly.” I’m not American and I’ve never been there so I correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t they usually refer to autumn as fall over there? Also, perhaps one thing I could suggest is making Peter a bit more surprised about everything that happened? I don’t know, I just got the feeling he accepted these apparent supernatural happenings without much doubt. It wasn’t a major issue, just something I noticed.

    Commented on: August 10, 2015

  • The Killer

    Thanks for the comment! Once again, I don’t think I’m worthy of such praise ^^;  I admire your writing too, especially your description of the characters, the setting and the overall atmosphere of your story – it’s definitely far better than mine! Anyway, I’m glad you liked the chapter. The revelation at the end is definitely a turning point for Nate. He’s certain he’s found the answer but who knows? Perhaps he’s right, or perhaps he’s wrong :P

    Commented on: August 7, 2015

  • In Love With Air

    The beginning of the chapter was very interesting. I don’t know anything about New York so it was educational for me xD Anyway, once again I really like the way you describe things and it was nice to get some details on Jake’s interests. I liked the contrast between Malcolm and Jake – specifically, how Malcolm seems a lot more comfortable being a ghost than Jake does. Sure, Malcolm has been a ghost for longer, but Jake said it had been a year so you’d think if that was the reason he’d be used to it by now. It’s all very intriguing… As was the ending scene, with Peter apparently feeling Jake’s hand as he passed through. That sequence was another one I think you described perfectly, and both the character’s actions to what happened seemed realistic. I hope Peter doesn’t start thinking he’s crazy or something like that :/

    One thing I noticed is that on occasion you seem to capitalise words unnecessarily – for example, near the end you wrote:

    “Is something fascinating to you, Peter?” The Professor questioned.

    Since professor isn’t his name and we do know what it is, it seems odd to capatilise it. Also, earlier on, you wrote, “through the Museum’s doors” – since at this point you weren’t referring to it by its full name capitalising museum seems a bit unnecessary.

    Commented on: August 4, 2015

  • Under the Milky Way: Repulse Prelude

    And it was interesting to get a teensy bit more info on Jake. It was kind of a sad story, though :( I don’t know why I found it so depressing even though it was ages ago and Jake doesn’t seem that caught up about it, given his apparent crush on Abby. Sentimentality strikes again… :P Heheh, Abby really will never let him forget that looking-down-her-shirt episode, will she? Anyway, that whole scene was sweet, as was the one at the bridge later, but they both made me really nervous. Everyone seems a bit too happy xD That can only spell trouble in my eyes.

    Awww, Scarlett. I really hope she does get to stay with Abby, I think it would be really good for both of them – Scarlett so she can stay with someone she trusts and cares about, and Abby for those things and so she can hopefully learn to love again (I can’t believe I just used a phrase that cheesy :P). Besides, if the adoption services are anything like they are right now it’ll be very difficult for a kid her age to get adopted so she’d probably be stuck in foster care for a while :/

    Lol, the Enterprise xD Even a Sci-Fi noob like me got that reference. Anyway I'm happy that Abby's recovery seems to be going smoothly, at least for now. I’m interested to see what will happen next while they’re on leave (if that ends up happening). I still feel like something bad will happen, but I guess it might not be of the Na’Vaxii variety. I’m scared >.<

    Commented on: August 4, 2015

  • The Killer

    Thanks for the comment! I hope you feel better :( I’m glad this chapter was good, even though it’s a bit different from the other ones xD I really wanted to introduce Lauren because then people will have an idea of what she was like, and the dynamic of their relationship as well.

    Commented on: August 4, 2015

  • The Killer

    Ahhh, Marina and the Diamonds <3 I’m in love with her. Originally I wrote out a lot more of the song, and no help from Google or the album was necessary  to do so xD But then I thought it would be strange for Nate to remember so many of the lyrics, so I toned it down to just the one line :P You’re right about Nate not being able to comprehend what’s happened. He’s holding onto the sliver of hope that Lauren somehow survived, despite the overwhelming evidence in front of him. Anyway, I promise it won’t be too much longer before you learn more about Brandon xD

    I’m glad the murder scene was good, in a scary way. It scared me a lot too when I wrote it, although that’s not much of an achievement :P I wasn’t planning on putting that sequence into the chapter but I just kept writing and writing and somehow it happened xD Anyway, I wanted it to be a creepy turn of events, from a dream supposedly about Nate seeing the Lauren he knew to a dream about him murdering her. I apologize in advance to your brother if he gets kicked because of my story. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, I swear :P

    Commented on: August 2, 2015

  • The Killer

    Thanks for the comment! I was taught that since writing your dialogue with a comma like this (“Hello,” he said) means that the sentence isn’t over after the quote, capitalising the ‘he’ would be incorrect because it’s not at the beginning of a new sentence. But, when it comes to sentences like your example, I’m not really sure because exclamation marks, question marks, etc. indicate the end of a sentence. It’s all so confusing xD And don’t worry about criticising or anything. I’m a big girl, I can take it :P

    As for Lauren and her never featuring in the story, let's just say you've spoken too soon ;) As for what she’s done, it really is something I expect people to figure out. I think by the time it’s revealed there should be enough hints and such for most people to at least have a hunch. At least, I hope there will be because it’s something I want people to guess :P

    Commented on: August 1, 2015

  • The Killer

    Thanks for the comment! This story was kind of an experiment of mine, since I’ve never really written in first person before. I’m not usually a big fan of present tense either, but for this story I felt it was a lot more effective to have it that way. It’s funny, I used to focus on mostly teenagers too, and always wrote from a girl’s POV, but now I usually like to vary the ages and genders of my main characters. It can’t because I’m getting older or something like that, I only left my teenage years a month ago xD I guess my writing tastes have changed or something. Anyway, thanks for reading. I’m glad you enjoyed the chapter :) I’m not sure if I’m deserving of such praise haha.

    Commented on: August 1, 2015

  • In Love With Air

    I instantly distrust Naomi. As a dog lover, I distrust anyone who doesn’t want to join a society dedicated to puppies :P Anyway, lame jokes aside, I really enjoyed this chapter. I like how different all the characters are from each other, and but I think you’ve written their friendships well as I could definitely feel how close they were. For some reason, Peter and Michael’s scene together really stood out, their relationship seemed realistic and just a genuinely nice friendship. Naomi and Peter’s scenes were good too, but that one resonated with me for some reason. I’m very intrigued to read on and see how Peter and Jake’s stories will intertwine… I can’t wait for them to meet :P

    Anyway, here’s this chapter’s nitpicks. I think it might be better to start a new line when he’s creating the list at the beginning. The way it was written is a little hard to follow. Either that or ditch the (a) and (b) with ‘Firstly, I was able…’ and ‘Secondly, homework would be…” or something like that :)

    Also, I noticed in this chapter there was a spot where you bolded something to emphasise it (“I needed someone like Matthew”). My comment from the last chapter still stands in that I think too many words are emphasised, but I also think it should be consistent so all emphasised words are italicised, or bolded, but not both. Hopefully that makes sense.

    Anyway, I’d better go to bed now, it’s getting late xD I probably won’t have time to read more over the weekend, but so far I’m really enjoying this story so I’ll try and get back to it sometime early next week :)

    Commented on: July 31, 2015

  • In Love With Air

    Okay, well I thought I’d do chapter comments of this story since I haven’t read it yet, and I’ll go and give Boy a review sometime next week when I’ve had enough time to reread it :)

    Anyway, the first thing I noticed about your story is how great your description is. I could really picture the scene and I think you created the atmosphere really well. Your description of the characters was really good too, and very distinct. Description is something I’ve always felt I’m weak at, so I’m impressed :)

    One moment that really stood out to me was when Jake was describing how Malcolm forgot he couldn’t create anymore. The emotion in that small section was well conveyed and really made me feel for him. Overall I think you conveyed the emotions of the characters well, and their personalities too. I found the part at the end and the discussion of their purpose really interesting. I wonder why they specifically came back at ghosts, because surely not everyone does (otherwise, the city would be packed :P). I suppose it must be due to something in their past, but I’m really intrigued to find out more.

    Anyway, one nitpicky thing I have is I found the italicised words a bit distracting at times. I feel like italicised words for emphasis (at least, that’s what I assume they’re for, feel free to correct me if I’m wrong) should be used sparingly. That way, the words you really want emphasised will have more effect.

    Also, I’m not sure about this one because I’ve seen a lot of people on sites like this one do this, but I was always taught that a sentence of dialogue like this:

    ‘Not quite.” he responded with a smile.”

    Should be written like this, with a comma instead of a full stop after the end of the dialogue:

    “Not quite,” he responded with a smile.

    Anyway like I said, although I was always taught that having a full stop there is a no-no in writing a lot of people seem to do it that way, so I’m not sure if it was just my teachers xD

    Commented on: July 31, 2015

  • Under the Milky Way: Repulse Prelude

    I really liked how Abby insisted on making an appearance at the bridge. It was a good way of showcasing her character, since she kept going despite the fact she nearly collapsed from the effort of doing it, so she could up her crew’s morale. I think it’ll definitely be a big help for them, to see that she’s still there and fighting and they should, too xD I liked getting a bit more info about Jake too, even though it was only a tiny bit about his family all being pilots :P How dare he be normal and not have any dark secrets ;) Tsk, I expect better Jake.

    It was really interesting to finally learn about One Galaxy… I didn’t really have much of an idea about what their deal was so I was happy to learn about it. I’m worried now, about Hope, Jake and Ava. I just get this feeling that somebody important will find out Abby told them about it and then they’ll all get into a lot of trouble… O.o Anyway, it was interesting how she reacted when Ava asked why Sheridan wasn’t there too. I know she might not have invited him just because she doesn’t have the type of evidence proving he’s not the operative like she had for those three, and it would be pretty bad if he was, because of his position and all, so perhaps Abby’s just being cautious, but… The way she paused and stuff when he was mentioned made it sound like she’s suspicious of him, above all the others in the ship, and I wonder why. I guess he must have done something to make her think he’s working with One Galaxy, but I don’t really know what that could be. Maybe it’s cos of all the risks he was taking and the possibility they could be tracked by the Na’Vaxii, but… I don’t know, he seemed perfectly sincere to me xD But then, maybe I’m too trusting :P

    And yet again, Jake finds himself in an awkward situation. I never thought I’d see anyone (except Tony Abbott, of course ;P) with worse foot-in-mouth disease than me, but I think Jake takes that prize xD Anyway, Abby’s story was sad. Jake’s right, she really has been through too much :( Her reaction to Jake’s line at the end made me really feel for her.

    Commented on: July 26, 2015

  • Snowfall

    Tsk, I don’t know what Alana expected when ordering from a company called Redd’s Wedding Supplies :P Let’s face it, they were doomed from the start. There’s mistakes and then there’s just being stupid ;) Aaaanyway, onto the more important stuff. There was a lot of interesting information in this chapter, starting with Zoe. I must say, out of all the people I thought might be the supernatural person Cooper was talking about, she wasn’t very high on the list. In fact, she wasn’t even on the list and I hadn’t given her a second thought at all really xD Anyway, I hope she appears soon cos witches are awesome :P

    As for Brad… I’m not sure what to make of him in this chapter. He was cool in the first half, and his banter with Sophia made me laugh but was sweet and encouraging for her at the same time. But then it gets to the end and he’s talking about killing Snow. No. I won’t allow that, Brad :/ I don’t think he’s a bad person, and I think I get where he’s coming from - presumably, killing Snow will stop this dude from hurting anyone else if they’re right, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, blah blah blah… But still, I’m wary of him now. I’m with Michael on this one, just tell Snow the truth and protect her or something! Violence is not the answer :/

    Moving on, I wonder who it was he and Michael were talking about, with the girl they supposedly killed before… At least, that’s what it sounded like. My thoughts jumped to Sara immediately when they started talking about it but I pretty much straight away realised it can’t be her, since before both Brad and Michael were insisting they didn’t kill her and they seemed sincere about it. Particularly Brad, and he’s the one who supposedly was involved in the girl’s death or whatever. No, I assume the girl was that Miranda (did I get the name right?) they were talking about before. I’m really curious about that, so I hope Sophia and Brad’s date is soon if that’s what he wants to tell her xD I thought it seemed like the girls were involved in her death, and they didn’t seem to associate it with Brad, so… Perhaps he framed them? Sort of? So many questions…

    Commented on: July 24, 2015

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! Lol, anything to do with Game of Thrones is reason enough to be depressed xD Aside from Samantha he’s the other one I seriously considered making a POV character for this book, but I rejected the idea pretty quickly because otherwise Caleb and Co. would have had to appear much earlier xD Haha, I almost did have him mention Carey’s name in this chapter, but then I decided to save it for later. I felt like he might hold onto her name for a while instead of telling her everything at once. Anyway, I’m glad that the image of his parents was powerful. I wanted to show that despite Carey’s worries her parents still love her and want to see her come home safely, Gift or no.

    Yeah, a rebel hideout isn’t really the place for a kid :/ Sadly for Alice it’s been like that for pretty much her whole life, even before they found the island. The sanctuaries in general aren’t very good places to raise children (unless the parents are the owners, work there, etc, and even then it’s not ideal), but in Alice’s case… Well, that’s another chapter xD As for Caleb, nah somehow I wouldn’t say teddy bear xD But, he can be compassionate and kind sometimes :P  There are a number of people he truly cares about and he does feel compassion for them in his own, deadpan way. And they’re used to the way he is so they know he means it. Psssh, what are you talking about covering? Alice wasn’t covering aaaanything, I swear. Everyone knows all that congestion from crying turns C’s into D’s ;)

    Lol, Carey’s quest in life is to make sure Sam never gets a good night’s sleep :P Forget overthrowing the Gifted or going home, that’s her true goal. Anyway, I’m glad the Leader seems intimidating xD I can’t really say much about her, to be honest. She’ll be very important in next few chapters ;) As for 805, he’s really not in the best position at the moment. He’s being used and is very well aware of it, but really there is nothing he can do to make the situation better – at least, not by himself. 

    Commented on: July 22, 2015

  • Under the Milky Way: Repulse Prelude

    Abby lives!!! Yay! :) Still, I’m worried. They said there were no side effects so far, but… I suspect these side effects could maybe show themselves in the future >.< Anyway, for now I’m happy that Abby has survived and will be back in action.

    And Jake strikes again with the awkward moments xD Anyway, Abby’s story… :’( :’( I knew it was something bad,  but… To have her world destroyed, and then later the world where her daughters and ex-husband lived destroyed as well… Well, I guess that explains a lot of her actions and demeanour. The whole story was heart-breaking, and I can only imagine how the burden of it must hang over her :(

    Anyway, I’m struggling to see where Scarlett fits into this. Considerng she has the same eye colour and blood type as Abby, I’m assuming they must be related, but I don’t think she’s her daughter. Not after this chapter, since it’s been shown she had two other daughters that were born when she was young, so… If she had another baby before then (since Scarlett is like 14, Abby would’ve had to be like 15 when she was born?), I don’t know why she’d get her adopted onto that ship or whatever. But then, I suppose it would depend on the circumstances. At the moment I’m leaning on the theory that Scarlett is her sister, but again I don’t see how she could have ended up on that other ship, considering Abby said the rest of her family died. Of course, she could just be saying that so Jake wouldn’t suspect anything, or Scarlett could’ve left the world before that, but… Still, that doesn’t seem quite right. So many questions… xD

    Commented on: July 19, 2015

  • State of Decay: The Day the World Died

    Hi, sorry for not reading this before, I didn’t notice it until last week :/ Anyway, I thought this chapter was really good. I can’t say I’m familiar with a lot of zombie series but the summary seems very interesting… Also, I thought it was interesting that even though Rich died from un-zombie causes but then he was still infected anyway… I guess the pathogen must be really dangerous and airborne for that to happen O.o Anyway, overall I’m really interested to see how they will get out of this, and what’s happened to the rest of the world in their absence. It sounds very ominous so far… >.<

     I liked how you managed to introduce these characters so well, especially Alex and Rich. I think you built up the confrontation with him really well – at first, I wasn’t sure what to make of him – I didn’t expect him to die so soon and I thought he’d be part of their “team” or whatever, but at the same time he was pretty creepy… Anyway, even though I was wary of him I didn’t really expect him try and rape her, and then get killed by Sawyer (accidentally, but still ) O.o I think your description of that last scene was really great and scary. I’m a wimp when it comes to horror though xD

    "So long as you're not spreading anything else” – This seemed like a strange comment for a brother to make about his sister. I’m not sure why, but even if he was worried about her, it seems odd to word it that way. I couldn’t imagine my big brothers saying things like that to me. But then, they aren’t the protective type at all so who knows what they’d say if they were xD

    Commented on: July 15, 2015

  • The Killer

    Thanks for the comment! Lol, I’m glad the story seems Netflixable :P Well, keep wondering how their meeting will go because you’ll find out very soon :3 Nate is really struggling with everyone thinking he’s the murderer, but in reality part of it is all in his head. Sure, there are some people who truly believe he killed her, but a decent portion don’t or are indifferent. For example, Nate is famous at the school not because the students think he murdered his wife, it’s more because they know his wife was murdered. They’re wary of him because they are wondering if he’ll break down into tears or something, rather than being afraid of a murderer. But in Nate’s paranoid mind everyone is watching him and judging him wherever he goes.

    Lol, I’m glad Max is cute xD I find him rather difficult to write, so I’m really glad you think his thoughts are realistic. I can’t say I am usually around five year old boys, and I‘ve also never met any whose mother died suddenly, so makes it difficult for me to really predict how he’d act :/

    Commented on: July 15, 2015

  • Under the Milky Way: Repulse Prelude

    Sorry for the long time between comments. I’ve been working on a farm all week and it was very tiring… xD Anyway, I really liked the interrogation scene. I felt kind of sorry for Hurst, but it was funny. Hope and Jake’s differing methods on how to interrogate Hurst were interesting, to say the least. Jake’s certainly very dramatic ;) Anyway, I really hope we find out more about Hurst’s shenanigans soon. It sounds like it’ll be something really interesting… I’m not convinced he would have given them the full story though. I don’t know. I guess it depends on how loyal he is to these people :P  

    Anyway, I’m not sure why I’m only mentioning this now when I’ve been thinking it for a while, but as well as being curious about Abby’s past I’m also curious about Jake. I don’t feel like we know much about him (but for all I know, I’ve forgotten some long and dramatic confession of his backstory in a previous chapter :P) and I wonder if he has any secrets. Well, I’m sure he does, since everyone has secrets, but I wonder what they are xD

    “I could go into details, but none of you would understand it anyway” this line made me laugh so loud I scared my dog. She’s a sensitive little animal sometimes :P Anyway, I really hope this experimental treatment thingy he’s got going works so Abby will live. I still fear a Ned on the horizon, but this has given me a bit of hope.

    Commented on: July 12, 2015

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! Heheh, well I have the same problem often so I can’t blame you xD I always plan to read stories then something else comes up and I have to leave it for another day. Lol, my sister often wakes me up like that too sometimes so I was writing from personal experience xD Unfortunately, I’m very cranky when woken up from sleep so I usually have a few choice words for her :P Anyway, Carey and Samantha’s discussion of Reagan and his alliances was probably the most important bit of this chapter. It hasn’t really been touched upon much since he died, but there is a lot that doesn’t make sense about the current explanation of his situation.

    Haha, well I’m not sure when I’ll be able to work in more hugs but I’ll try xD I’m glad I managed to redeem Samantha a bit in this chapter. That was really my main aim for it, to be honest. I rewrote that part many times because I felt it was really important to get it right. Anyway, it definitely is good for Carey to tell someone about her problems with her Gift, but as you say she really does need to bite the bullet and tell 256 about 440. Otherwise her guilt is only going to worsen, and the chance of him having an adverse reaction increases the longer she keeps it a secret. Let’s be honest, Carey’s got a talent at digging herself into holes :/

    As for 805, more about his current situation will be revealed soon so keep feeling sorry for him xD Overall he does believe he’s made the right choices in his life, but there definitely a lot of things he regrets despite that. Michelle's a good example of that, because although he knows his choice to leave her was the right thing to do and staying with her was an impossibility, he still can't help but wish he could've stayed and had a longer and more open (as in not secret, not the other thing :P) relationship with her. As for 256, he really doesn’t have a clue about a lot of things. A normal life is not something he’s familiar with in any way, and he really doesn’t know if his feelings equal love, or how to have a relationship with someone even if they do.

    Commented on: July 7, 2015

  • Under the Milky Way: Repulse Prelude

    Noooooooooooooooo. Why do you do this to me :,( :,( Abby… I really hope she lives. I’m hopeful since she survived through the night, but for all I know you’re just getting my hopes up so you can pull a Ned Stark on me. I’m gonna be very on edge until I read the next chapter… Anyway, overall I liked this chapter. There was lots of tension and heartwarming moments. I liked seeing Jake and Scarlett again. They’re totally best friends, no matter what they say :P Poor Jake. He seems to get caught in awkward situations very often. At least Hope was cool about it. I felt really sorry for him in this chapter :( It’s heartwarming how much he cares for Abby, even though as he mentioned they’ve only talked for like thirty minutes. Nawww.

    Speaking of Jake, I’m glad he gave that paper to Abby… I’m really curious to find out what it is. I really have no idea what it could be, so that’s certainly gonna be interesting. I suppose it must relate to who Hurst is working for and his motivations, like their symbol or something, but I really don’t know what that could be. I must admit I felt a little sorry for Hurst, to be cornered like that and he seemed really frightened… Anyway, I really liked that whole sequence of events. I liked how Abby tried to turn himself and was nearly successful, but then because of one little mistake he shot her anyway. I thought that was really realistic for Hurst to freak out the way he did over the noise.

    There was one thing that confused me a little. It’s about Abby’s blood type. Sorry if you already know this, but although O –ve is a rare blood type it’s the universal donor, so generally medical teams like that would ensure they have a large stock on board since it can be given to any person, no matter what their blood type is. I mean, perhaps they ran out (and since they’ve been fighting and stuff this would be a reasonable explanation) but the way the doctor says it makes it sound like they didn’t bother to have a supply on board, when I think O –ve would be the blood type they’d stock over all others even if they thought the ship wouldn’t get into any scuffles with the Na’Vaxii.

    Commented on: July 3, 2015

  • Under the Milky Way: Repulse Prelude

    Tsk, Sheridan, don’t you know that the universally recognized distress signal is mauve, not red? Sticking with those silly human ideas… xD Anyway, this was a good chapter. I liked the action and was excited to see what the aliens looked like, since they haven’t been seen before (or maybe they have and I just don’t remember). Anyway the descriptions of them were good and scary-sounding so good job on that. I’m scared because I’m sure they’ve got something up their sleeve, and Hurst is still missing. Eep, I’m almost too afraid to read the next chapter because I’m sure something really bad’s going to happen. But I’m too curious so I know I’ll have to read it despite my fears xD

    Anyway, I really liked learning a little bit of Hope’s backstory as well. It’s sad how she’s worked so hard but is barely acknowledged for it. I can relate to her because I also think I would be very scared if I was on that ship xD Although, I’d probably just hide instead of insisting I go along and stuff, so… yeah, I’m a bit of a wimp xD Still, it was cool how she found the strength deep inside her (yeah, I’m being sentimental again :P) to kill the Na'Vaxii when her friend really needed it.

    Commented on: July 2, 2015

  • Snowfall

    Heheh, when I read the bit about Dennis sitting in a high back chair I thought, all he needs is a white cat to stroke evilly and he’s perfect xD Sorry, I have a strange mind… Anyway, it’s good that Noel got her job back. You definitely don’t want to get on the wrong side of Ariana, that’s for sure xD I do feel kind of sorry for Dennis though. I can’t tell if he’s on JTG’s side, bein threatened by her or a combination of both. Also, I was surprised to see JTG had actually contacted him. It makes me wonder who else she’s contacted… >.<

    And yay, Cooper! I’ve missed him :’( When he said he had some Guide stuff to take care of I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d be guiding any of the other characters. I know it’s unlikely, but… I’m gonna be hopeful anyway that he’ll appear in the next few chapters :P Anyway, overall he definitely added some intriguing info to the mix… So, there is someone in Mistbrook Falls with the same powers. I wonder, does that mean they’ve died as well? Anyway, I’m assuming this person is JTG, since she does definitely seem to have a supernatural thingy going on, with all her stalking and moving between places like a ninja. I mean I don’t see how she could have switched between bothering Snow and Michael as well as the others at school on the same day in that weather without magical powers to assist her :P Plus all the stuff with the song leads me to believe she’s got powers. I suppose it could also be Michael, but since he came out with a sword to fight JTG away I’m more inclined to believe he’s a Buffy the Vampire Slayer like person, so he’s human with enhanced abilities and magical pheremones or something rather than someone with powers like Cooper.

    I’m also curious about the fire. Maybe I’m just overly suspicious, but it seems a bit coincidental. I think maybe JTG was behind it because she wanted to get Ariana and Kayla out of town for something… Eep, now I’m really nervous to see what happens >.< I hope everyone gets out okay.

    Anyway, I really liked seeing how Ariana found the warehouse and what made her want to turn it into her home. It’s really nice that there’s that connection with her grandfather, as well as it being where she first met Kayla. It’s heartwarming how connected she and the warehouse are :’). I seem to be in a sentimental mood today xD

    Commented on: July 1, 2015

  • The Killer

    Thanks so much for the comment! Hahaha, I must admit I’m rather fond of ellipses myself. I probably use them too much :P

    Commented on: June 30, 2015

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! Haha, see I told you what was in 805's cabinet wasn’t very interesting, at least, it was nothing people didn’t know before xD Although who knows, perhaps 805 keeps his decapitated heads in the drawers of his bedside table. By the way, hooch is now my new favourite word. I feel sorry for blasphemy. But it served me well :P Anyway, Sam was definitely deserving of Carey’s wrath. She does have a good reason to be upset, but she shouldn’t let it get in the way of their mission the way she has been.

    As for Caleb’s group surviving so long, well… To be honest very few people in the original group formed twelve years ago are still alive :/ I cut most of the explanation out, but originally Marina was going to mention this in more detail and I’ll definitely add it to a later chapter, but when she says their allies kept getting killed she means their group has been wiped out save a small number numerous times over the twelve years. So the current group of people has only really been around for a bit longer than when they found the small island, since they’ve learned to stay undercover rather than challenge the Gifted directly. It’s only recently that they actually started moving into the open again. Lol, Dragonstone xD I never thought of that when I was writing it, but perhaps there was some unconscious stuff going on. Still, I think I'll call it that to myself now, to help distinguish it from the other island xD

    I must admit I enjoyed writing about Alice and remembering back to my thirteen year old days :P Anyway, I’m glad her presence means Caleb’s rebels aren’t all bad xD As for what she’s upset about… Well, let’s just say that probably won’t be revealed for a while.

    Commented on: June 28, 2015

  • Under the Milky Way: Repulse Prelude

    I’m sorry if there’s a lot of mistakes in the comment. I have to write one-handed, since my dog is getting very offended when I stop patting her… :P Anyway, this chapter was very interesting. I wonder if Johnny has anything to do with Scarlett… I’m suspicious xD But then, I suppose if he were on that ship Abby probably would have known about him too, and it seemed like Scarlett was the only one she knew… Plus, since she and Scarlett have the same eyes she’s more likely to be related to Abby, unless he’s like Abby’s cousin or something. Still, I’m convinced he’s got something to do with their connection :P

    I liked the whole sequence of events of this chapter… Especially when the Na’Vaxii left and tensions were high, because I knew they were obviously gonna do something unexpected :P I’m still curious to find out why Hurst wanted to help them. I hope later on they find the time to go through his computer and stuff like they were going to, although I suppose they’ll probably have their hands full for a while with Hurst escaping ad the Na’Vaxii boarding the ship. I have to say, those marines weren’t much use though :P Letting him escape after what, a few minutes? xD Anyway, I’m really worried to see what happens next. I’m getting bad vibes so I fear the Na’Vaxii may come out on top. I hope no-one dies, but of course I fear some are :’(

    Commented on: June 22, 2015

  • Snowfall

    Eh, even if not doing it is worse, I still think Michael seriously lacks empathy over what he did (or appears to on the surface, anyway). Like in that chapter, when he told Emily it’s all her problem. So even if my theory is true, for me he’s still in the douchebag category. At least, for now :P For all I know he's an emotional hurricane inside about it xD

    Anyway, I think Mary should at least think about it, even if she doesn’t draw any connections. I mean, there’s obviously something going on that’s a bit out of the ordinary with Sara showing up to visit the four of them, so even though she's more of a rational person it seemed strange she’d just dismiss it like that. Even considering she’s distracted with her friends disappearing and Snow being with Michael, I think she’d at least be a bit curious about what they’re saying, although she might forget about it the moment she sees Steven and Jackson or something. So I think you should have her absorb what they’re saying, even if she gets distracted right after.

    Commented on: May 23, 2015

  • Snowfall

    Poor Mary :( I felt so bad for her when she was worrying about Snow, but she couldn’t do anything. I understand how she feels, but I really hope she does find the courage to tell someone, and soon. I have a theory about why Michael did it, and it’s kind of embarrassing if I’m wrong, but I’ll say it before I change my mind: Essentially, I think Emily asked him to have sex with Mary so she wouldn’t be a virgin anymore and would then be protected from that serial killer/demon/whatever it is that apparently killed virgin girls and stuff. But even if that’s true I still think he’s pretty douchebaggy because he could have at least tried to use those magical pheromones of his and charmed her instead of raping her. And even that would still have been a douchebaggy move, in a way, but slightly better. Anyway, I hope I don't sound really idiotic xD

    Mr Winston and Mr Banks conversation was very interesting… SO I guess they’re not on Michael’s side? xD It just makes me even more worried for Snow. Whatever they need her for, it can’t be good. Or maybe they’re the good guys, in which case whatever Michael wants from her can’t be good. But, I’m more inclined to believe that these guys are up to something slightly more shifty than Michael at the moment. Anyway, I wonder if JTG separated Mary out deliberately, perhaps so she could hear what Mr Winston and Emilia’s dad was saying. I was a little surprised by her reaction to what she heard though. Really, Mary? There’s a bunch of weird things going on, possible ghosts and the like, and your conclusion over what you heard is that Mr Winston loves his cosplay? :P Or rehearsing a play, really? xD

    Now, the Miranda thing… I wonder if she bares relation to Jenna :P Anyway, I wonder what happened with her. If Sara and the others were responsible for her death, then… O.o Still, I am a little confused about the other girl’s involvement. The chapter before when Mary and Nikki were talking about it, they acted like they hadn’t know Sara was the instigator before she told Mary (or Nikki, I can’t remember which one it was) but then in this chapter it seemed like they knew all along that Sara was the one responsible. Unless they’re talking about two separate things, but it didn’t seem like it.

    Commented on: May 22, 2015

  • Control Z

    I don’t think you need to say where Nevada is. It wasn’t super confusing that I didn’t know where it was, I just said that as a joke :P I figured it was probably a state/city. Anyway, it’s a real place and most people who read this would probably know what it is, so adding an explanation might seem a little forced. I mean, if I was going to write a story set in Fremantle, for example, I probably wouldn’t say where it is even though I’d expect few people outside of Australia (or WA, really) would know where that is.

    Fine, I’m impressed that he learns all those languages :P The only language I learn is anatomy (it’s totes a language, according to my professor). Wow, they’re really going to outlaw abortion? I hate to think of all the women who’ll die using back-alley methods because of that :/                                                                                                

    Commented on: May 22, 2015

  • Control Z

    Sorry for taking a while. I really liked this chapter. I think it’s a really interesting concept, what with the US and Canada getting married or whatever ;) One does have to wonder what England thought of Canada being conquered, since it’s part of the Commonwealth and stuff :P Still, in a way I kind of wish there was less info included at the beginning. I’m not sure, perhaps it’s part of the satire, but I usually like it better when the exposition and stuff is integrated into the actual story. That might just be me though.

    “It became the largest country in the world at 19,613,761 km², 2,515,519 km² more than Russia”.  I think this would be better if the comma after km was a dash. It looks rather confusing at the moment :P

    “In an attempt at satisfying them she tried increasing rights, such as the right to bear arms, use drugs, and have an abortion.” I might be wrong about this, since I don’t know much about American/Canadian law, but don’t women already have the right to have an abortion? I mean, it might not be approved by a lot of people, but they have the legal right don’t they?

    “we had gone to the old U.S. capitol,” *capital

    “But it were as if these actions” *was

    “We almost got there when the car broke down and the worst of places."

    “Though the sky was blue it was a chilly and windy day, but maybe just because I always get cold.”

    Anyway, I found Seth’s uncle very interesting… Why is he taking Seth all the way to Nevada (wherever that is :P). I wonder what he’s hiding. He reminds me a lot of Uncle Narol from Red Rising. Especially if… Actually, I probably shouldn’t say that in case you haven’t read that series and were ever planning to xD Seth himself was an cool character too. I’m very impressed at him knowing all those languages xD He seems a bit quiet, like Alan from your other story, and I’m curious to see how he develops, as well as meeting the other characters mentioned in the summary.

    Commented on: May 21, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    Well, this was definitely an interesting chapter. I hope Dan, Wendy and Adriana are okay :( I don’t think they’ll be dead (at least, Dan and Wendy won’t be. Adriana is possibly dead in my opinion) but I’m still worried. I really liked the action scene in the house. It was really well written and exciting. I liked all the details and the decisions Kozel made during the fight, but my favourite bit of that scene was when Kozel recognised the chair Dan was sitting on and his reaction to that. That was really sad/nice, and makes me even more hopeful for a bromance <3 heheheh.

    It’s sad that Kozel finally meets some monsters and all they want to do (well, not Aiyx, but those other guys) is turn him into a blanket xD I thought the addition of Aiyx and the rest of the Feuig clan was cool. I must admit I’m a bit over dragons and seeing them in a fantasy story tends to invoke eye rolling for me, I like how they’re not full on dragons since they’re human shaped and stuff.

    Anyway, I liked seeing more monsters, and how you highlighted the differences between them and Kozel’s clan. Still, despite the idea of making Kozel into a blanket being thrown around, I think they’re not evil, and I’m sure Kozel will be greatly affected by meeting them. I hope they choose not to make him a blanket, and then he’ll be able to see that monsters don’t have to be evil and therefore neither does he.

    “I feel like a fucking stripper” How does Kozel know what a stripper is? I didn’t know monsters have strippers too :P Although I suppose they very well could. I shouldn’t judge.

    “Are really that bad at throwing,”

    “He climbed the counter”

    “The man was trapped inside. But Kozel wouldn't risk it,” I know Kozel probably means he wouldn’t risk going back and saving the man, but I think you could say this and make it a bit clearer.

    “and didn't hadn't even notice.”

     “the said simultaneously.”

    Sorry if this comment is confusing/repetitive. Anyway, I noticed you wrote a new story, would you like me to read it? Anyway, overall this was a good chapter and I’m looking forward to finding out what happens to everyone. 

    Commented on: May 14, 2015

  • Cursed

    Lol, honestly what 805’s got in his kitchen cabinets really isn’t that exciting xD As for his parents, he is definitely stretching the truth when he says he never cared, but the way he thought of them when he was a child is very different to the way 256 feels about his. It’s partly because even though they were both raised in the Council, 805 never had anyone like 440 and 913, and he was a prodigy while 256 was the pass by the skin of his teeth sort :P But there is one, specific reason why 805 resented his parents, but it’s not something he likes to talk about so I don’t know if it will ever be revealed in the story. Lol, somehow I don’t think the Council really hosts cooking classes for the Gifted xD Besides, 805 would never see the need to go to one, because he likes his food even if no one else does :P

    Sam… Yeah, she’s definitely not making the best decisions right now :/ Still, it would definitely be very difficult for her to ignore it and treat him normally until they get to a more appropriate location. She’s built him up as a demon in her head and it’s difficult for her to let go of that, even a little bit. Heheh, that’s true, it would have been a little typical if they’d had the awkward “there is only one bed, now we have to share” moment :P I didn’t really think of that, tbh. Anyway, thanks for the comment! :)

    Commented on: May 6, 2015

  • Cursed

    Yep, you’re secretly a Kiwi. You see, they sound like they’re saying sex when they say six (something that we regularly make fun of them with) so I am very suspicious now :P

    Anyway, thanks for answering my questions. I’m glad the long chapters are okay. I keep trying to limit myself but they keep getting longer and longer xD And I’m happy Sam’s still likeable. I was worried I’d gone too far.

    Commented on: May 5, 2015

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! Lol, it’s funny you should mention sex and six rhyming… You’re not secretly a Kiwi*, are you? I’m suspicious…

    “Carey’s little boyfriend” Ouch. That’s a bit mean :P Short people have feelings too. Not that I’d know, of course, since I’m freakishly tall xD

    I do have a few questions, firstly, do you think my chapters are getting too long? Secondly, what do you think of Sam’s actions in this chapter, and the ones leading up to it? Is she still likeable even though she’s been acting rather witchy?

    *Kiwi is Australian for a New Zealander :P

    Commented on: May 4, 2015

  • Snowfall

    “Michael, are you a rapist?” If only you knew, Snow. If only you knew… Not that I think he’s going to rape her. He might use his magical pheromones (either the figuratively or literally magical kind :P) to lure her into it, but I don’t think he’d rape her. Also, how did he get into her phone to read her messages? The sneaky weasel. Although, I do have a theory about what happened with Mary, which makes him seem a little less douchebaggy (but still pretty douchebaggy). I’m too afraid to say what it is though cos it would be super embarrassing if I was wrong xD

    Haha, I found it funny when Michael was asking her about having two mums. Not because it was a funny conversation, but Snow’s answer was the exact same thing I say when someone asks me what it’s like being a twin :P Anyway, their interaction in this chapter was kind of creepy but nice at the same time. I really don’t know what to think of Michael, to be honest. I mean, sometimes he’s acting like a douchebag and yet he seemed pretty nice in this chapter. And it didn’t seem like he was putting it on, at least, not completely. He does seem to genuinely like Snow. As for Snow, I’m very worried about her… Even if Michael turns out to be a misunderstood guy with a heart of gold, he’s still like ten years older than her. But I suppose she’s probably still really upset about Sara and Jackson, so maybe that’s why she got attached to him so easily.

    And that ending! I definitely wasn’t expecting that. I thought it would be a lot longer before JTG would go after them physically. Still, I’m not sure if JTG would have actually killed Snow… Hurt her, maybe. Scared her, definitely. But it seems to me that she likes being the creepy stalker and killing them would mean that would end pretty quickly. Unless maybe getting Michael involved stuffed things up for her, and that’s why she attacked Snow. I mean, if he is magical knight or whatever I’d assume he’s not someone you want working against you. Anyway, overall this was a really good chapter, but very scary xD I really hope nothing else terrible happens, but I feel that’s probably a wasted wish :P

    Commented on: May 3, 2015

  • Gifted

    Thanks for the comment! Haha, they definitely have a lot to learn from each other. Kind of like the Gifted and the nonGifted, I suppose ;)

    Oops. The Leader was originally a man, but I ran into some issues later on with too many male characters so I decided to change her gender. Anyway, if you see any more he’s and him’s I’d be very grateful if you pointed them out :P

    Anyway,  256 definitely has a few secrets from his past that haven’t been revealed yet. So does Janelle, actually :3

    Commented on: May 2, 2015

  • Whispers of Nowhere

    Hey, I’m finally back! I really enjoyed this chapter. I love all the detail you have, it makes it really fascinating to read. The action was great, I was on the edge of my seat the whole time reading it. It’s nice that Forneus got one of his powers back, and I must say it happened sooner than I expected :P Although I suppose there’s still a long way to go for him, since all the other artifacts are still out there.

    I must say, I really like Forneus’s and Gwen’s relationship. I can’t help it, I’m a sucker for close platonic relationships xD I like them better than romantic ones, and honestly it’s nice to read a story that seems to have a relationship like that as one of the main focuses. I’m very curious about Forneus’s past with her though. He does seem to care a lot more than a normal person would, so I guess something must have happened. I have a theory, but I don’t want to say it because it’ll be embarrassing if I’m wrong xD

    Here are some things I noticed:

    “Closing his own eyes,” This is picky, but I feel like the word own is unnecessary since who else’s eyes would Forneus be closing in the context? :P

    “Then what is it about Gwen that upsets him, so?” There shouldn’t be a comma after him.

    I also found it strange when Gwen was thinking about the architecture, specifically this line: “wondering if it was neo-classical or neo-gothic”. I found it hard to believe a fifteen year old girl would know things like that (and forgive me if I got her age wrong, it’s been a while since I read this and I think she was fifteen, but I don’t quite remember xD). I mean, even if she’s more the studious type and stuff, it still seems strange to me.

    “glancing back at Forneus, “But I could really use your help, right about now.” ‘But’ shouldn’t be capitalised as it isn’t a new sentence. Also, like the example above I think the comma after help isn’t in a place where someone would naturally take a breath, and it makes the dialogue seem a little unrealistic because of that. There were a few times this happened throughout the chapter, particularly in the dialogue towards the end.

    Commented on: April 30, 2015

  • Gifted

    Thanks for the comment! Sorry for the bad quality >.< I was reading over these chapters the other day and I’m really not sure what I was thinking when I wrote them. Oh well, that’s what editing is for xD Anyway, it won’t be long before you find out some information about Marvin.

    Commented on: April 30, 2015

  • Gifted

    It’s safe to keep going if that’s what you want to do :) I’m not making any major changes to the plot, and I update it so it still makes sense if someone wants to continue on. That said, if you do keep reading I apologize for the drop in the quality of the writing xD Thanks, and I’ll have finished my midsems this afternoon so I can finally get back to your story tonight :)

    Commented on: April 29, 2015

  • Snowfall

    It’s good that both Clara and Snow now know that they’re not crazy and that Sara appearing wasn’t a dream :P I am curious what she really is. I think she’s probably a Guide or something, like Cooper and Claire. Although I suppose as Clara said a secret twin sister is always a possibility :P As for S… Now I’m thinking maybe she’s not Sara, and maybe she is Emily or something after all. Or Brad, but I think Emily’s more likely.

    Noo, Snow… Don’t start feeling things for Michael.  I do think Clara is right, and she does like him, even if he’s so much older. Although I’m not convinced it’s her natural feelings, since Michael gives me supernatural vibes and maybe that’s why he was able to form a connection with her so easy. He’s got magical pheromones or something xD

    Aww, Ariana told someone :( It was very sweet of her to do what she did. Although, I think she is lucky though that Noel didn’t get really offended, cos I’d imagine some people would. If Noel does get her job back I hope JTG doesn’t target Ariana too :/ I mean, even if she doesn’t know about JTG, Ariana’s still going around and potentially lifting some of JTG’s ammo, so… I hope she stays safe. I’m also getting worried because if Snow makes it out of Michael’s house alive and well I feel like Ariana’s probably going to tell her about her illness soon and I don’t know if I can cope with the sadness :(

    Arrrrggghhh!!!! Nooo why does it have to rain now??? Snow :( I don’t think Michael’s going to murder her, or do anything to her (at least, he won’t personally. I can’t speak for possible supernatural beings and the like :P) but I know everything’s not going to turn out okay. Still, despite my worries about Snow’s wellbeing I am looking forward to the next chapter. No matter what happens, I’m sure there will be some solid information to be gleaned :P Well, I hope there will be anyway. I wonder what’s going to happen when the others (cough, Mary) realise Snow’s alone with him. I mean, they can’t really get to her, but… >.< Snow. Please be okay… Anyway, overall this was a really good chapter. I’m anxious to read what happens next, and I really hope nothing terrible happens, although I’m doubtful my wish will come true.

    Commented on: April 20, 2015

  • Gifted

    Thanks for the comment! And no worries, it's not like I've been consistent with my comments. I'll try to get to your story again soon, but I've got a lot of schoolwork at the moment so I'm not sure when I'll be able to read more >.< Anyway, Carey’s definitely not in a good position :/ I’m glad her feelings are coming through. And Janelle’s frustration as well. She definitely expected her mission to be easier than it’s turning out to be :P

    I’m glad that 256’s development is beginning to be clear as well. He’s probably the character that undergoes the most change in the first part of the story, so I’m glad if that’s coming through. The Gifted are very isolated and are only shown one way of life, so for him Carey is like this exotic person with all these new ideas and because of that she fascinates him xD

    Commented on: April 16, 2015

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! Heheh I try my best xD Conflicting emotions for the win. Anyway, Janelle is beginning to accept Reagan’s death and move past it as she makes new friends and gets on with her life, but it will be a while before she’s ready to let the shirt go, I suppose you could say :P

    Well, Thomas’s Gift isn’t really her secret to tell, so even if she did trust them completely she probably wouldn’t tell Wesley and Co. about it. Most of her own group doesn’t even know about it, since some of them would have more prejudice against the Gifted than others and wouldn’t care if he was actually raised with the rest of them or not. So Thomas doesn’t really go around broadcasting it to the world :P

    As for Wesley’s story, most of it is true, but there’s one part of it that isn’t. I’m not really sure when I will reveal the true story, but it probably won’t be that long. It’s not a major secret or anything, I just figured Caleb wouldn’t blab about it to everyone so all they have to go on is rumours and word of mouth, so they wouldn’t get the whole story correct xD

    Lol, I don’t think 805 would quite know what to make of someone fangirling over him xD Still, I’ve missed him too. I’m happy because both he and Wesley are back in the story now. Took me long enough to get to this point xD Anyway, 805 is definitely going to take a lot of convincing if they want him to help them. I mean, theoretically he's at the best place he could be. He has power, respect from his fellow Gifts of Earth... Or does he? ;) Anyway, I don’t think Sam is really that interested in talking at the moment. She just wants to yell :P

    Commented on: April 11, 2015

  • Snowfall

    I really liked seeing what Nikki’s family was like. Randy (that name xD) and Julia are definitely not the nicest people ever. I have a theory about them, actually… But it would be a bit embarrassing if I was wrong, so I want to wait and gather more evidence before I say what it is xD I think Mary is right though. I know it would be hard for Nikki to hear her parents say they don’t love her, if that’s what they choose to do if/when she tells them, but… Well, to be honest they don’t strike me as particularly loving in the first place so it wouldn’t make much of a difference. And this Labor Day incident, what is that? I'm very interested to find out...

    Hmm, this S… Despite what Snow thinks (who knows, maybe supernatural beings just want to get with the times and decided to use mobiles :P) I think S is Sara. I mean, it sounds like her from the way she talks, and when she said “I’m the reason she’s gone” maybe it’s Sara acknowledging that her own mistakes led to her death. But then, since Sara just outright talked to Snow and the others last time, I wonder why she’d bother with all the text messages and cryptic talk instead of just saying it’s her. My other thoughts were Brad or Emily, since they see Michael and thus could keep an eye on him. Although I don’t see how Sara’s death could be their fault. Or Sophia maybe, but I don’t think she’d be so cryptic (and again, I don’t see how Sara’s death could have been her fault). Eh hem. Anyway, after that long spiel I’ve decided that after Sara Emily is the most likely candidate, because she’s telling Snow to stay away from Michael and she knows what Michael did to Mary (and presumably, other people).

    Poor Clara :( It’s good in a way she stopped herself, since I don’t think telling Jacob would have protected her mother and friends from JTG at all. But then, Jacob does deserve to know so I hope she gets a JTG-threat free moment to tell him. Although, to be honest I’d be very surprised if Jacob didn’t figure out what Clara did. Surely at the very least he’d suspicious after that xD She wasn’t particularly subtle. Anyway, because of that I’m very worried for Clara, because if he did figure it out then JTG could still get very angry and hurt her :(

    Noooo, Snow… Nooo, don’t go down that path. Michael may seem charming but he’s like ten years older than you and no matter what side he’s on, he’s still got some issues. I’m worried about her… I know she wants to trust her instincts, but when everyone’s telling you to stay away from this guy their opinions can’t be discounted :/ Anyway, I’m very worried about what will happen next.

    Commented on: April 10, 2015

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! Sorry for all the mistakes in this chapter. I stayed up til like 2 a.m. to finish this (which I almost never do, cos I need my sleep or I get really grumpy) and my editing definitely suffered as a result. Or maybe I’m just making excuses for myself :P Anyway, they weren’t invisible while in the garden, but Carey kept holding their hands in case somebody came along and she had to turn them invisible again quickly. I meant to mention that, but I must have forgotten to add it in, sorry xD

    I’m glad that Caleb and the rebels are perhaps not appearing to be quite so evil. Although, I think it’s rather standard behaviour to drink water instead of alcohol in the morning so I’m not sure if that’s really an indication of their goodness :P And rumours are rumours, so perhaps the story Wesley told wasn’t even true, or only part of it is. Hahahaha, Janeb/Calelle xD Somebody told me they shipped Weselle/Janley, so you can add him her growing harem as well as Caleb and Thomas.

    I think you’re being a bit optimistic saying there “might be” some tension between 805 and Sam. After all, they didn’t exactly part on the best of terms :P Anyway, it was supposed to be indirectly funny so you don’t have to feel bad for laughing.

    Commented on: April 9, 2015

  • The Killer

    Thanks for the comment! Lol, if you ever find yourself having to strike up a conversation with a Perthian, complaining about the public transport is bound to get you a good twenty minutes xD Other possible topics include complaining about the heat and complaining about the government :P Anyway, moving on. Nate’s parents will definitely appear again, although I’m not quite sure when. But it will happen at some point.

    I’m glad Nate and Lauren were cute. I was trying to make them seem like a normalish couple, in that sense, so I’m happy it worked. But yeah, Lauren’s not one to mess around with stuff like that. If she doesn’t like something, you know it.

    And lol, you have no idea how much I’ve been dying to put in a Breaking Bad reference :P That’s part of why I made Nate a chemistry teacher instead of biology or physics or whatever in the first place. It was too tempting to resist.

    Commented on: April 8, 2015

  • Under the Milky Way: Repulse Prelude

    So this Hurst… Something tells me he’s the one who sent that message :P The part with him and Jake was really tense and definitely raised a lot of questions. I have to say, he’s not the sneakiest of spies, if he really is one. I mean, is it really a good idea to have a book presumably full of stuff about your deceit and casually look through your tablet in the middle of the cafeteria? I think not. Hurst needs to up his game :P Anyway, I wonder if he’s the person Abby’s suspecting, or if she’s got it wrong (or maybe I’ve got it wrong and she’s right to think it’s someone else, or maybe we’re both wrong xD). If only she’d told Jake what was going on, he might have been like, “Hey, Hurst was acting weird earlier…”

    Still, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. After all, I don’t actually remember much about Hurst, if it’s been mentioned, such as if he’s been a model officer or if he’s good with computers like Mosley said the sender must have been. I hope Abby’s right, even if it’s not Hurst and he’s just a red herring. Otherwise, I’m sure she, or someone else (Hope, maybe) will be in trouble… I’m worried for them :/

    I wonder why whoever it was would send messages to the Na’Vaxii though. Maybe they’ve got some sort of deal, like the Na’Vaxii will let them live for helping them beat the humans… But then, I don’t see how anyone could actually trust them to keep their word if that were the case. Unless there’s something else at play here, like Abby seems to think. I wonder who “they” are, if they exist, and what they want. And since the transmissions didn’t reach the Na-Vaxii, maybe they weren’t actually for them and were for someone else. Sorry if this comment is confusing, by the way. I'm tired xD

    Commented on: April 6, 2015

  • Snowfall

    Wow, I don’t even know where to start with this chapter xD So much happened, and I find myself more confused than ever, in a good way of course :P That ending… There’s definitely something going on there. I don’t think Michael is JTG (otherwise, surely he would have shown some sign of it) but maybe JTG’s stalking him too. Or maybe she’s Sara the ghost, and she’s trying to get Snow to believe it was him so she deliberately used that song knowing Michael was a fan of it. That’s my theory because that would explain the creepy radio thing if JTG were a ghost, and the text message at the end did sound a bit like JTG does (except without all the insults :P), but… I don’t think Sara would stalk them as a ghost and do things like get Clara’s mum fired. I mean, she may not have been the nicest of people sometimes but they’re her friends and she cared about them.

    Anyway, moving on, this order of the Dawnguard sounds interesting. Although, I was a bit confused how Snow randomly knew about this obscure order. I mean, I know she reads a lot and stuff, but she seemed to know a lot about it :P Anyway, I’m not really sure how it fits in with what’s happened so far, but I’m curious to find out. Is Michael trying to get rid of demons or something? Maybe that’s who he and Brad are against, some demon dude :P Still, he hasn’t been mister nice guy most of the time, so it seems a bit strange. I guess I’ll just have to wait and find out :3 I also wonder why Snow was drawn to him so easily. Sure, it was probably deliberate on his part, but… He is a potential suspect, so it seemed strange. Maybe he’s using his supernatural powers or something. Or maybe he’s just a charmer when he wants to be xD

    Clara’s portion was really sad :( I feel so sorry for Noel. I guess it just shows how far JTG is willing to go. I can’t believe they fired her, the douchebags at Gellar and Greene National Bank (Hmmm, I wonder where I've heard those names before :P). She should sue or something, since there’s no proof she actually did anything and it’s her livelihood at stake. Heheh, I sound like an American ;) Anyway, I’m really worried for Clara now as well. I get the feeling she’s going to try and do something drastic to stop JTG and it won’t go at all well :/

    Commented on: March 31, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    Aww but I like the cover xD Still, I can see why it might be a good idea to change it. I mean, I don’t think you’d have to change it much, just move the figures a little further apart or something. But, I have the artistic and photo-shop skills of a rock so I have no idea if that would work xD As for the summary, I think it’s alright. I mean, it doesn’t sound like the two of them will absolutely have a romantic relationship, or if they are then it doesn’t sound like it’ll be the main plot of the story. So unless the other stuff (the mysterious cult and things) have changed I don’t think you need to rewrite it.  

    I liked the dialogue. It seemed realistic to me, and I didn’t find it rushed. I thought what Adriana told Kozel was pretty deep, and I think it was well written. Pain was a metaphor for his monster-ness, right? That’s what I assumed anyway xD

    Well, if the hunters had a pet goat I’d have to give them the benefit of the doubt. As long as they treated the goat nicely, of course :P

    Commented on: March 28, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    Wow, I really like this chapter. It’s definitely my favourite so far. So much happened and not everything was expected, so it was very exciting to read. And there were some great bits of humour and drama and mystery all mixed up into one, which is how I like it best.  I really liked all the characters in this chapter, especially Wendy. I liked all her doubts over whether she should be leader or not, even though Dan said she’d do a good job. It was sad to see her thinking back to her parents too. I think Dan’s right about that too, since she was too busy trying to escape and stuff it makes sense she wouldn’t think about them all that much, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t care. Stay strong, Wendy, stay strong!

    I wonder why Wendy and Adriana look alike. Maybe Adriana’s secretly her mum. Or maybe it’s a trait of witches and that means Wendy’s a witch too so that’s why she has this superpower to get people to do what she wants. Adriana said it wasn’t magic, but maybe she was lying. OMG, I’ve just discovered why pretty people exist. They’re all witches xD

    But, I know Adriana must be a good person because she has a goat. Like owning a dog, owning a goat (or sort of being a goat in Kozel’s case) means that I must give them the benefit of the doubt. Although it was a weird goat, playing catch and stuff, but it’s still a goat so that means I like Adriana so far. And she has a TARDIS (I mean, a house that’s bigger on the inside) so that gives her points too xD Anyway, she seems like a nice person, so I hope she doesn’t turn out to be evil and is actually sending them to the camp of these cult people or something O.o I wonder what will happen next. I hope even if Adriana sent them to the right place they don’t get caught by the cult people on the way or something. That wouldn’t be good.

    “more questioning than surprised.” I’m not sure if this is just me, but using the word questioning like that feels awkward.

    “from Wendy assumed was a kitchen”

    “with his han raised”

     “Even though the thought of her having used her magic on them scared her out of her mind.” There’s a few too many hers in this sentence for my brain to make sense of xD

    “Perhaps it was the fact that she looked like a middle-aged version of her,” I think herself instead of her would sound better

    “what he'd said soak in.” Isn’t the expression sink in? I’m not sure.

    Still, my favourite part of all was probably at the end, when Dan and Kozel were talking. It’s nice that they’re not going to let their feelings get in the way of things. I really wonder what’s up with Dan and Wendy though. Why does Dan think it might not work between them? Maybe one of them’s in an arranged marriage or something. I don’t know why, but that’s the first thing I thought of xD I must be really old-fashioned. Still, whatever happens I hope Kozel and Dan become besties, cos that would be like the best bromance ever <3 Aside from Darrow and Sevro in Red Rising, of course. That’s the mark I expect you to rise to :P Geddit?

    Anyway, I’m also excited/nervous to see what will happen when Dan finds out about Kozel’s kaipra-ness. I think Dan might try and kill him at first or something but then Wendy will reassure him Kozel’s not evil so then he won’t.

     “wearing a stylish black and blue dress despite the cold.” "And it's white so it blends in with the snow,” “It's obviously black and blue, are you color blind?” Nooooooooo I just forgot about that damn dress xD As always feel free to ask questions and stuff. This comment is so crazy and weird I’m sure I’ve forgotten something.

    Commented on: March 27, 2015

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! I didn’t see any Chihuahuas :P Personally I think Samantha would’ve hugged her back. Now, she might have punched her after, but Carey would’ve been safe initially at least :P As for 805, what do you mean you’re worried? He’s his usual happy, healthy self ;) It’s funny you should say that about the Great Hall cos that’s pretty much exactly what I pictured too. Originally there were going to be four tables (one for each Gift) instead of six, and then the Council would have their own table like the teachers did in HP. But I realised I was channeling the Great Hall so I changed it xD I should just rename the building Hogwarts, shouldn't I?

    Hmm, they do seem a bit cozy :P Lol, maybe you do have trust issues. Or maybe you’re completely right to distrust her ;) As for which Other World they’re working with and what they want, that won’t be clear for a while. Probably. I actually haven’t decided when I’ll reveal it yet xD

    And yes, Wesley’s finally back, and this time it’ll be for more than one chapter. I’m happy cos I’ve been looking forward to reintroducing him for ages (and 805 as well) and it was originally supposed to be much sooner, but I kept writing too much and having to split chapters up so it took me way longer than I thought it would to reach this point xD Well, Samantha and 805 look more alike than Carey and Wesley do, so I don’t think Janelle’s got much hope, unless he says something that clues her in :P Although to be fair, 256 is far more clueless than Janelle is so perhaps she'll be able to figure it out.

    Commented on: March 26, 2015

  • Cursed

    Yes, I do know what a pendejo is. I found out through the power of google :P Anyway, thanks for answering! I’m glad the title is okay.

    Commented on: March 26, 2015

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! Haha, I thought most people would figure out it was him right away, so I thought there wasn’t much point dragging it out too long xD It is a bit unfortunate timing for Carey, though :P As for the Gifted possibly sensing them, they might, but there are so many people in the Council with Gifts that they wouldn’t really be able to pick 256 and Carey out of a crowd. But if they were face to face, then they might notice :P

    Anyway, thanks for pointing out all my mistakes xD I’m glad the humour is okay. Usually I just make the characters do random things that I find funny, but I’m not sure if the rest of the human race does xD And hey, don’t discriminate against pendejos. They have rights. They can have romantic interests if they want to :P

    I do have one question: Do you think the title of this chapter is too silly? xD I was thinking of a name for it and that just popped into my head and made me laugh for like five minutes, so I decided to just go with it. But I don’t want it to ruin the mood or something.

    Commented on: March 26, 2015

  • Snowfall

    I don’t really have any idea what Michael’s (and Brad’s) deal is at the moment, to be honest xD Even after his talk with Emily, I can’t really think of a reason why Michael would need to rape (or just have sex with, I’m not sure if that distinction has to be there) girls like Mary. Unless he’s a supernatural being who has to repopulate his own race or something, which seems unlikely xD But maybe it’s so unlikely it’s true :P Or maybe Michael is the “he” Brad and him were talking about, only Brad doesn’t know that, and thinks he’s some third party. I wonder if it’s related to that myth, though. The one mentioned ages ago, about some dude sacrificing virgin girls or something (I can’t quite remember what it was). But then Mary wasn’t sacrificed, so maybe the thing with Michael and Emily is different, but what he and Brad were talking about is surely related to it. Still, I hope there’s some concrete information soon, I’m dying of curiousness xD

    Speaking of curiousness, I really wonder what Steven’s secrets are. Somehow, I don’t think he’ll be safe from JTG even though they’re hoping she’ll leave him alone. I mean, he’s involved now so I don’t see her leaving him be, even if it’s just to threaten him so he doesn’t tell the police or something. Still, I can definitely understand Clara when she said she wished it had been Steven :( Even if he’s their friend, at least JTG wouldn’t be an unknown entity anymore. It seems to me like they’re just moving from one suspect to another but really they’re getting nowhere :/ And nooo, Snow. Don’t talk to Michael. I know you kind of have to, but he’s too creepy :( Listen to Sara and Mary. I felt really sorry for her (Mary) in this chapter. The poor girl. I wonder if JTG knows about that too. It wouldn’t surprise me.

    Commented on: March 24, 2015

  • Cursed

    Lol, I completely forgot Thomas showed her the book xD Oops. I should stop trying to force my bad memory onto characters. Sorry for that, and for all the other mistakes I made. [I don’t want to think about just another thing that separates me further from my family. It makes me more like them instead.] for this bit, when she said them she was referring to the Gifted, sorry it’s unclear.

    And yes, the Gifted have been there for a long time :P There would actually be more than four generations of each number, they just keep those four generations. So when 256 “died” they would have thrown away the file of the 256 three generations before him in preparation for the new 256. As for how long they’ve been around, I’ll give you a hint: they didn’t start recording the years in this era with the birth of Jesus Christ.

    Yes, that was 256’s plan all along and that’s why he agreed to go to the Council in the first place because he knew he’d be able to find out the town he came from there. But, the records room will still be there if he changes his mind, so not all hope is lost… Unless they get caught or something :3

    As for 805’s new position, the Gifted do have a reason why they promoted him despite his failed mission and lack of loyalness (cos even though they don’t know about Thomas, Michelle, and Samantha, he’s still far too inclined to do his own thing :P). And he’s actually around 47/48, depending on what time of year he was born. The Gifted (and nonGifted as well, since they don’t have very advanced medicine) who didn’t die as infants would usually live to about their early to mid forties in times of peace, so he is still slightly older than average. The previous 256s were just an unlucky bunch who all seemed to die pretty young xD

    Anyway, there is still a lot more of this story to go. For one, Cursed will probably end up a bit longer than Gifted (hopefully not too much longer though, I don’t want it to surpass fifty chapters :P) and after that there’ll be at probably one, but maybe two more stories, so… Yeah, it’s gonna go on for a while xD

    Commented on: March 16, 2015

  • The Killer

    I’m glad it’s okay without the supernatural stuff. I was worried since the story is labelled as supernatural so I feel like they should be there already, but it will appear later so hopefully that will be okay.

    Lol, the thing with the guy’s wallet was based off something that happened when I was a kid xD Someone left the backdoor open and a robber ran through our house. He stole Mum’s handbag but her wallet fell out when he was running away, so he didn’t really steal anything important in the end :P Yeah, Nate really hasn’t thought his accusation of Brandon through very well. Going to the police with no evidence to back yourself up and confronting your suspect at his workplace really isn’t the best way to get him nailed for the crime, but Nate’s getting desperate for someone to blame everything on and isn’t thinking very rationally at the moment :/

    I’m glad that Nate’s feelings as a kid seemed realistic. I honestly don’t know anyone who’s been in that situation so I was worried about that. Really there’s nothing Nate could have done to stop him from beating her, and if he had tried his father probably would have beat him too. But having to listen to it and being unable to help has haunted him a lot. Still, the woman he’s referred to as his mother in previous chapters is his biological one though, so she (and Nate) did manage to get away from him.

    Commented on: March 15, 2015

  • Snowfall

    Awww, Snow :( I felt so sorry for her when they were going through Sara’s things. I wonder if they’ll find anything on her laptop… I’m sure there must be something on there. And Rick is definitely suspicious. I know he’s trying to make his wife feel better, but… I don’t know, Sara hasn’t been dead for that long. It isn’t that urgent that her room needs to be cleared out already. I’m also suspicious of him since JTG must have known they were listening to the radio, so if he was listening through the door… But then, if they had the window open (I can’t remember if that was mentioned or not) then they could have heard through that, so perhaps not.

    But regardless of his/her identity, maybe JTG is in love with Snow or something, in a crazy, obsessive way. That’s what the song sounded like to me, anyway :P And if she did kill Sara (although I don’t think she did, but it’s possible) maybe that’s why, since Snow was in love with her. Still, I don’t know why she would terrorise her and her friends though. I mean, Snow I can understand, because she might just be crazy jealous that Snow still doesn’t care about her, but the others… I don’t know xD

    So, Sara was hiding a great stack of money… I wonder what that could have been for. I highly doubt she was saving up for a house, like Snow considered. Surely she would be keeping the money in the bank, if that was the case, so it makes me think that the money was obtained illegally (or in a secret transaction, even if it wasn’t actually illegal) although like Snow I have no idea what for. The only thing I’m coming up with now is it’s some sort of drug money because having it in cash reminds me of Breaking Bad, but I doubt that’s what it is. Or maybe it is… I have no idea :P

    Also, this is something I noticed in the last chapter but forgot to mention: Why did Snow call Rick Mr Blake? I mean, wouldn’t he have a different last name to Sara, since he’s not her father?

    Commented on: March 13, 2015

  • Under the Milky Way: Repulse Prelude

    I thought the part with the candle was really sweet. I don’t know why, I just thought that was really nice thing to do, even though I highly doubt a Na’Vaxii would actually be deterred by a candle. Still, now I’m really wondering if Abby is her real mother and she was adopted or whatever. Just because when Scarlett asked her if she could live with her, she said she wouldn’t make a good mother… Not Aunt or something, mother... I don’t know xD

    Well, that Braxton guy sure was a pleasant man :P Sadly, I have definitely met more than a few people like him. Still, at least he knows what he’s doing and has a good plan, although I’m sure some things will go wrong (things always go wrong ;P). And the fact that Mosley seemed willing to resort to mutiny over it means their situation must be pretty dire. I wonder if she will end up mutinying (is that a word? xD) or not. I don’t know, I feel like that’s not quite been resolved yet, so I’m curious to see what will happen. Still, I hope they get back to Earth okay, although I doubt it :/ I must say I agree with Abby when she said that she couldn’t understand why they’d been sent out on this mission before the ship was refit. That seems like a very stupid idea to me when they’re facing such dangerous enemies and are carrying that secret Arcturus thingy :P

    Commented on: March 11, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    Hmm, I didn’t think the chapter was too short. At least, I didn’t notice when I read it. But looking back I think it wouldn’t hurt to make it a little longer and expand it a bit, if you have something you want to add. I like long chapters though so I’m biased :P

    As for the description, I felt it’s a little unclear – I was confused by the last part, when it’s like: “Four youth set out to find out what happened to Behrend and who is responsible” because you hadn’t mentioned that something happened to Behrend beforehand, only that the power was unreliable. I’d just say something like “However, this power proves to be unreliable when Behrend is killed/kidnapped/disappears/abducted by aliens/whatever it is” :P But other than that it was good. It seems mysterious :P

    And as for the romance part, I think you should do whatever you want to do. Personally I wouldn’t really mind – I do think they would be, ahem, cute together, but I won’t cry myself to sleep if that doesn’t happen or if it does in a satirical way xD

    Commented on: March 11, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    Poor Kozel xD He can’t seem to catch a break. I felt really bad for him when they were sort of ignoring him, but I guess Wendy was probably excited to see Dan again and stuff. I still think Dan’s a good guy (I mean, he has a dog) but I wonder about him. I hope Kozel doesn’t end up feeling like he’s a third wheel to them all the time though. #TeamKozel! I’m on your side!!!! xD Anyway, I wonder if Dan really is her boyfriend or something. I mean, they didn’t say anything, but it seems that way. Unless it’s gonna be like in those movies where the dude the hero keeps seeing the heroine with turns out to actually be her brother and things are really awkward. But then I don’t think he’s her brother, since he mentioned her parents and didn’t mention sharing them. And personally I don’t hold hands with my brothers (unless I was in a super duper scary situation or something like that), or act the way they were acting :P

    “All hesitation melted, and she blinked a tear out of her eye.” This wording seems awkward to me. Personally I would replace the ‘and’ with ‘as’

    “The parted and Wendy”

    “hopped on bear feet”

    “Dan held out the stick to her” This part where Dan re-entered seemed a bit sudden, he just suddenly had some dialogue and neither Wendy nor Kozel seemed to have much of a reaction to his sudden appearance, so it seemed a bit random.

    “noticing the way the weary glances they exchanged.”

    I thought that it was a bit weird that Wendy didn’t explain exactly what went on in Venyera to Dan. I mean, if he was from there then wouldn’t he want to know what happened? If his dad is the mayor, then… Something could have happened to him. Maybe he was killed like the others.

    Anyway, there was some very interesting developments in this chapter. I wonder why Dan suddenly started to be nice to Kozel at the end. I think it’s because Kozel said he wasn’t a hunter, and maybe before Dan thought he was a hunter since he was wearing that uniform and stuff and Dan hates hunters. Or because he felt he and Kozel were kindred spirits since they were both “accused” of being a monster (although in Kozel’s case it was true… Unless Dan is a monster that can control his form all the time. Conspiracy!!).

    And I’m really curious to see what happens with Adriana too, if the woman at the end was her, or even if it wasn’t and she appears later on. I wonder what a half human, half monster will be like. Perhaps they’re the ones who can control their form all the time, or they just have a few monster features. Like in InuYasha where he only has dog ears but then gets extra strength and the benefits of being a yokai/monster. But then he was also discriminated against because he didn’t fit into either the yokai or the humans. So maybe it’ll be like that :/

    Commented on: March 10, 2015

  • Cursed

    Lol, there’s definitely nothing wrong with that xD Harry Potter is one of my favourite things ever, so… If anything makes you think of Harry Potter is a plus in my book. But yeah, there’s definitely a possibility they will react that way. Carey’s parents are pretty family orientated (I mean, they have eight kids :P) but at the same time the Gifted are disliked widely so they may not accept her. But then she’s also not a normal Gifted, so who knows… xD

    It’s funny about the numbers thing. I thought it was totally obvious they referred birth dates and death dates of the Gifted (and yes, it is the birth year, since it’s more accurate if they were looking at the average lifespan of the Gifted or something. Plus the Gifted are born with their Gifts and if they were to be Assessed on the day they were born, they’d be found but it’s just easier for them to collect the babies all at once. So it works for their ideology too :P). It wasn’t really supposed to be a mystery, it's just to show that the Gifted keep a lot of information from the nonGifted and the Gifted, even stuff like their own time keeping system. But I’ve gotten some rather elaborate theories about what they are, which I found interesting :P Oh and 256 wasn’t lying, he really doesn’t know what they mean, he was just acting weirdly because he was conflicted about whether to look at his own file or not xD

    Lol, it’s funny the way people were about 805. Most people seemed to think he would go off gallivanting to look for Michelle instead of going back to the Council, but… Yeah, he wasn’t lying when he said he was going back :P And he decided not to look for her because reasons ;) Still, even with that in mind it is odd for them to promote them, since, as 256 said, their mission kind of failed and most people don't get promotions after failing things :P But the Council have their reasons for their decisions too. Anyway I’m glad the chapter turned out okay, I’m just annoyed I couldn’t finish it where I wanted and had to add the original end to the next one :/

    Commented on: March 7, 2015

  • Cursed

    No, that’s exactly what Janelle was doing with Reagan’s shirt. It was made from metal, and she was separating it into its components. And Reagan himself was made of metal, so when she said it smelt just like him she meant it separated into its metallic constituents just like he did. Duh. I thought that was obvious xD As for the thing with Janelle holding back tears by looking up, I’m not sure if it’s really that effective, but it’s something people (*cough* me) do to try and stop it. Anyway, thanks for pointing out all those dumb things I did xD

    I’ve never heard of someone shipping, erm, “Jamas/Thonelle” but it can be a shipping thing if you want it to be xD I mean, Reagan only died a couple of weeks ago in the story, so she’s not over him yet but eventually she’ll move on from him and go on with her life. Unless she dies too, of course… ;) But yeah, I honestly don’t plan ahead when I write romance (and if I do plan to include a romance, their relationship almost always ends up different from how I originally envisioned it) so anything’s possible, I guess. I’m sorry this story has been so romancey and emotional lately xD There should be more variation soon. The next chapter’s pretty plot-driven, I guess you could say.

    Commented on: March 7, 2015

  • Snowfall

    Heheh, I must admit you scared me for a moment at the beginning :P I was convinced JTG was after Ariana… Anyway, it was nice to see her and Kayla again. Their conversation made me really sad though :( It must be so horrible for Ariana (and Kayla too, but I’m focusing on her at the moment), knowing she’s going to leave her wife and daughter alone. It’s too sad for me to deal with…. :'( :'( Although, this chapter did make me curious about what Kayla and Ariana will do if/when they find out about this JTG business.

    I still don’t think Steven is JTG, but I’m looking forward to Snow confronting him (and I hope she's the one to do it, or is at least there if Jackson does it) because I’m curious to see what he’s hiding. I mean, everyone else has secrets, surely he has some too :P As for Emilia, I’m not sure what to make of her. I mean, her story about Jackson did seem convincing, but the way she talked about Sara, and how she deserved it… I know it was a foot in mouth moment, but still. I don’t think she killed Sara (but, that’s mainly because I’m too nervous to point the finger at someone in case I’m wrong :P) but I’m suspicious of her and her dad, since it’s weird how he apparently wanted her home so quickly and he was staring at Snow creepily before. I don’t know, it just seemed like something was going on there. Also she was late. I have a thing against lateness xD And Rick too, he’s a bit creepy in some ways. Everyone’s too suspicious! I don’t know who I should trust lol. Anyway, I’m looking forward to seeing what they’ll find in Sara’s room.

    And didn’t Michael say in the last chapter that Brad didn’t like beer? But in this chapter he was drinking it (and apparently, enjoying it)…. Ooooh, I’m really scared for Snow now. I bet that was some ploy he used to talk to her, since she often hangs out at that barista place…. And then he seized the opportunity to show his inner squishy side and gain her trust…. That cunning weasel. Snow, stay safe :(

    Lol, Game of Scones xD That would be an interesting TV show. When you play the Game of Scones, you either cook the perfect scone or it burns. There is no middle ground. And do cafes in America really give free biscuits??? I’m so jealous :P

    Commented on: March 5, 2015

  • Under the Milky Way: Repulse Prelude

    I’m so curious about Scarlett and Abby. I know I’m not going to find out for ages though xD I’m really not sure how they’re related. I don’t think Abby is her mum, even though she could be, but other than that I don’t really have much idea. Maybe they’re related in some other way, like she’s her sister or something. But then, Abby was saying that people on those ships usually stay on there for generations, so I’m not sure. Unless Scarlett was adopted in or something, which I suppose is an option. I’m not sure if that would be possible though.

    Aww, poor Scarlett :( I don’t think the news has really hit her yet. I wonder how she’ll react when it does, maybe she’ll be strong enough to keep going regardless.

    I felt kind of sorry for all those Na’Vaxii when their ship blew up. I feel bad, since they massacre so many humans like the innocent people on that ship, but then the humans have killed a lot of them too, I guess. I’m too much of a pacifist, that’s my problem xD Anyway, Abby’s reaction (when she was like “burn…”) was interesting too, because she doesn’t seem like the sort of person to take pleasure in that kind of thing, so there must be a reason why she did.

    “Abby looked Jake over, noticing his usual stiff, straight-backed stance and stern facial expression.” I found this sentence odd, since that’s not really the impression I get of Jake :P But then I remember you said he used to be a more straight-laced military guy, so perhaps this is left over from then?

    Commented on: March 1, 2015

  • The Killer

    Thanks for the comment. Thanks for answering my question too. I did originally envision The Killer as being more of a horror story, and perhaps it will become one later, but at this stage I think it would be better as a mystery so I probably will take the creature’s POV parts out. When I was writing chapter 4, I just felt like this one in particular would be a lot better if the readers didn’t know about Nate being the one to kill her, cos then there would be more mystery with his phone call to Frances and stuff. I might give Nigel some POVs later when it does become more horror-like but I think for now I’ll stick to Nate’s and take the other bits out :P

    Anyway, something I thought I’d clear up – this line: “Besides, Lauren never thought she was better than me. I was the one who thought that, remember?” was supposed to mean that Nate was the one who thought Lauren was better than him, instead of Lauren herself. Sorry if it came across as him thinking he was the better one. I’ll try and make that clearer.

    Commented on: February 28, 2015

  • The Killer

    I don’t know either, that’s the problem xD I guess I’m leaning towards taking it out… After writing this chapter I was just felt like it would be better without it, since as you say it does take away from the impact of Frances asking where he was and stuff. There will be POV moments for the creature later, and I think it may be better to wait until then, but I do like the supernaturalness it adds so I’m a bit torn :/

    Lol, Olivia was a lot of fun to write about :P I based her off the upper class suburban mums that populate my neighbourhood in spades. As for Brandon, there should be some new info on him quite soon… ;) In my opinion his role in the story is fairly obvious, so you may figure it out quite easily. I have no idea. It seems obvious to me, anyway, but then I wrote it so I guess that’s to be expected :P

    Commented on: February 28, 2015

  • Snowfall

    So much mystery… :3

    I must say, Emilia wasn’t what I expected. She curtsied and everything xD Anyway, I never thought she’d be so nervous, and I feel bad for saying this but one does have to wonder how she and Jackson ended up sleeping together. I mean, Emilia just doesn’t seem like she has the confidence to flirt and sleep with a popular guy like Jackson (who was dating Snow, her idol, no less) after only one night. Unless Jackson was the one initiate everything, which is totally possible, in which case it could make sense the way it is because she might’ve had a crush on him or just been super flattered he paid attention to her, but… I don’t know. I think there’s something she’s hiding, although I’m not sure what. Like maybe she’s more confident than she lets on, and she’s putting it on so Snow doesn’t get mad. I don’t know. I feel kind of bad for saying that, what if she really is just nervous? xD I’m really curious to see what happens next, anyway.

    Michael… Hmm, I don’t quite know what to make of him. I feel sorry for him about his sister (if he’s telling the truth) but still, he’s creepy >.< I hope Snow sticks to Sara’s warning, no matter how nice he was acting in this chapter.

    I’m worried about Kayla and Ariana now :( After what happened to Clara’s mum, and since something happened to their car… >.< I hope JTG isn’t planning something awful. Who am I kidding? Of course she is :P Anyway, I guess I was right about Snow suspecting Steven. I don’t think it’s him though. JTG would be more stealthly, surely xD Ooooh, maybe she was stalking Snow at the time and noticed Steven take out his phone and text her at that exact moment to mess with her.

    This is kind of silly, but here’s my crack theory: I’ve noticed that a lot of people in this story seem to have green eyes. Sara (and her mum), Jackson, Clara… and possibly others that I’ve forgotten xD Plus Nikki has hazel, which sort of counts. I noticed that a while ago but this chapter made me realise it again since Emilia also had green eyes. I hope I don’t sound horribly racist when I say this but I don’t know any black people with green eyes. Even if she’s mixed race it seems more likely that she’d have brown or something since darker colours are dominant. Green isn’t that common of an eye colour too, at least not compared to brown and blue. I wonder if there’s some reason for the green-eyed-ness or whether it’s just a coincidence. Lol, you probably think I’m a complete idiot… xD

    One thing I thought was strange that Snow found it odd she didn’t want to date anyone. To me that makes perfect sense – the girl she loved died a week ago, and she broke up with her boyfriend over the weekend. I don’t think anyone would want to date in that situation :P I guess it seems odd to me that she thought it was odd. Also, I might not be remembering this right, but I thought Mr Winston taught history. Am I just forgetful? xD And lol, at first I was confused why Snow was selecting her outfit for school, but then I remembered that most American schools don’t have uniforms, while here everyone does. At least, that's the impression I get from TV :P

    Commented on: February 26, 2015

  • Cursed

    Thanks for commenting! Haha, when I saw your comment I thought, who is that??? Why did some random person comment on my story??? That never happens!!! Did you change your name recently or am I just unobservant? xD And lol, 256 seems to be everyone’s favourite character. I find it funny because I was worried people would dislike him at first, since he kidnaps Carey and stuff. 

    Anyway, 256’s book is magical. It can’t ever get wet, and it teleports back into his bag when he’s not using it. Duh. I thought that was obvious xD Thanks for pointing out all my many mistakes. I’ll fix them. And sorry for confusing you. Carey is avoiding telling 256 about 440 because she’s afraid of what he’ll think. That’s why she ran away from him, and why he still doesn’t know about it.

    I do have a few questions: Do you think I show Carey’s perspective enough? Someone said they thought I didn’t O.o Do you think her development is okay, or is she overshadowed by the other two? Also, do you think I’m descriptive enough? I did try to be more descriptive in this chapter, but I’m not sure if I did a good job. When I read over it, I thought it wasn’t very good. Sorry for asking lots of things O.o

    Commented on: February 21, 2015

  • Cursed

    I’m really glad Janelle’s emotional state seems realistic. I must say, I was worried what people would think about that. I can’t say I’ve ever been in her position so I was rather nervous about it, especially in this chapter but really in all the chapters since Reagan died.

    Lol, Thomas has sort of become the voice of reason :P It’s not really a role I ever intended him to have, but no one else is there with Janelle at the moment and he has the personality for it, so… xD Anyway, even if Caleb turns out to have good intentions and everything he’s told them is the truth, Janelle doesn’t know that. For all she knows he could be a complete tool, or perhaps he’s the Gifted spy himself :P So yeah, even if choosing Caleb turns out to be a good idea Janelle definitely didn’t think it through, and that’s what Thomas is trying to tell her.

    Lol, I never considered it either, until on Fictionpress someone wrote after Reagan died that they thought Janelle would be pregnant. So I figured I should clear things up, and this chapter was the first where it really fit in. That same person said after this chapter that they were disappointed she didn’t get pregnant xD I suppose it would have been interesting, but rather unrealistic and cliché in my opinion since they only spent one night together and he died the next day. One accidental pregnancy is enough for Janelle, thank you :P Besides, I can’t afford to have her out of the action for a decent portion of the story xD

    Commented on: February 19, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    I didn’t think the beginning was that sudden. I liked how it was a “quiet” scene after the action of the last chapter, and I don’t think it came out of nowhere. I guess if you’re worried about it you could have a short bit explaining how they escaped, but personally I don’t think it’s necessary. I liked it the way it was, with Wendy reflecting on her remorse and wondering if it was her fault the humans had gotten killed because she didn’t like them. That seemed like a realistic thought to me. I did feel like you could draw a little individual attention to her parents, though. I mean, she saw her mother die in front of her, and who knows what happened to her dad, but she didn’t seem to care that much. Personally I’d be upset if one/both of my parents were killed like that, even if I hated humans :P I know she’s probably in shock and wants to be all stoic about it like she thinks Kozel is about losing his family to humans, but I don’t know. I would’ve liked to see them at least mentioned.

    Kozel’s thoughts and struggle to maintain the bloodthirsty side of him really made me sad :( It reminded me a little of Finding Nemo, when Dory accidentally gets a blood nose and Bruce smells it and suddenly wants to eat her and Marlin even though he vowed never to eat fish. Anyway, I don’t think Kozel would ever think of killing Wendy or want to, but I’m worried something might happen that will make him lose control and then he’ll hurt her. I do hope he manages to keep himself under control though. I don’t think Wendy would suddenly start hating him or think monsters are evil if he lost control but I’m sure her opinion of them would change a little. And it would be horrible for Kozel too, knowing he had hurt her and he couldn’t control it :/

    Speaking of Kozel, I liked the details you had, such as him thinking humans were weird for taking baths since they’re going to get dirty anyway, and the detailedness of all the survival skills he had.

    The ending was also very intriguing. I wonder who this dude is, and how he knows Wendy. Or maybe he’s just heard of her, but then he called her a friend. I’m really not sure who he could be. Maybe he knows something about those dudes that killed everyone. Anyway, at the moment I believe he’s a good guy cos he has a dog, and I love dogs. I have to give him the benefit of the doubt because of that :P

    “He let out a yelp as he did a belly flap” I’m not sure if this is a cultural thing or not but I’ve always thought the phrase was belly flop :P
     

    Commented on: February 19, 2015

  • Under the Milky Way: Repulse Prelude

    The space battles in this chapter were so detailed and exciting. I honestly don’t know how you come up with this stuff :P I could never do it in a million years. I really need to watch and read more sci fi xD Anyway, the battles were really tense and cool.

    I wonder how many people were on the Achilles :( And the other ship, although it wasn’t completely destroyed (I hope).  I feel so sorry for them, and for the people on the Freedom’s Progress. To me it just seems like they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Still, the destroying of all those ships really showed how ruthless the Na-Vaxii are, especially when they destroyed the Freedom’s Progress since it’s not even a military vessel and was destroyed to lure the Endeavour in :( Although, the conspiracy theorist in me is wondering if there’s some other reason they destroyed it, like maybe there was some dangerous weapon hidden on board or something. I’m probably completely wrong lol but I can’t help being suspicious.

    Anyway, one thing I thought, if the Na’Vaxii ships are disadvantaged by having most of their weapons at the bow and the humans were using this to their advantage, why don’t they redesign them? Unless they have, and have redesigned their ships, but the ones used in this chapter were older ships or something? I don’t know. Just something I thought xD
     

    Commented on: February 17, 2015

  • Cursed

    Thanks so much for the comment! I think awful is putting it kindly :P I would have said Sam’s being something much worse, to be honest xD No matter what’s going on with her, there really isn’t an excuse to treat her friends that way, especially since they’ve done nothing wrong. And I’m glad you laughed at her missing when she threw her knife xD Heheh, Even if she managed to land the knife pointy-end in she really needs to work on her aim, since the back of someone’s skull really isn’t the most logical place to throw a knife :P

    I’m glad both of the kids deaths’ were emotional. The main purpose of this chapter was to show how the rebellion is actually affecting the island, since the main characters have, until now, been shut up in their hideout and really have no idea what’s going on in their country. And to show that both the nonGifted and the Gifted will suffer if a full-scale war breaks out.

    I’m glad you like the family stuff too, I’m happy you said that so it’s not random :) I love writing about close platonic relationships, both familial or friendly, so familial bonds always seem to come up as strong motivators for my characters xD

    Commented on: February 14, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    Sorry for taking such a long time to read this chapter O.o This week has been rather crazy. Anyway, I really liked your action scenes in this chapter. I felt they were more detailed and nerve-wracking than the previous ones, so good job. I also liked the tension you created with that guy being so unhelpful showing Kozel where the doctor’s house was. The whole time I was reading that part I felt like screaming at him to hurry up and stop complaining. I quite agreed with Kozel when he felt like punching him in the face xD Anyway, I thought that was really well written. I liked the realism of it too, especially how Kozel didn’t really seem to understand what a map was.

    This is really picky of me, but my inner biology nerd has a problem with this sentence: “The chemical stung as it got on Kozel's fur”. I wouldn’t think that Kozel’s fur would be able to sting :P I think saying skin instead of fur would be better, since it would be the chemical seeping through to his skin that would cause it. But overall I still don’t see any problems with repetition.

    One thing that I thought you could do is find another word for chemical. You don’t repeat it too often, it’s just for me it seems a little awkward to use, since chemical is a very broad term. Personally I would call it a tranquiliser or something like that (at least, that’s what it reminds me of, although it’s not exactly a tranquiliser).

    “(He had no idea how he was able to read, but he could.)” I thought the brackets here were a bit unnecessary. I think it would be fine to just have that sentence there without the brackets.

    Also, I was confused at the end as to why Kozel could control his transformation. Why could he keep his human mind then, but not before? Was it because of the chemical? I didn’t quite get that part. Sorry for being stupid xD Still, that part was interesting, and I felt sorry for Kozel when he saw what his monster self looked like. Poor guy. And he wishes he were human. I find that interesting, since Wendy said she doesn’t like humans and doesn’t seem to want to be associated with them and what they do (although, I’m not sure if she’d actually want to be a monster).

    I wonder what those green arrow thingys are. I guess they probably have something to do with the mysterious cult mentioned in the summary. Still, that was definitely a surprise. Poor Joan. And Warren, if he was the hunter who got hit by the arrow. I thought it might be him, but I wasn’t sure since Kozel was just calling them all hunters. At the moment I think the arrow people are a group of humans who worship monsters or something, since they didn’t shoot Kozel. But then they might have just not gotten the opportunity to shoot Kozel, so it’s probably too early to say that yet.

    Anyway, as always feel free to ask questions. I just have this feeling I missed something :P

    Commented on: February 13, 2015

  • Snowfall

    I must admit when Snow said they were on a break the first thing I thought of was Friends :P I hope their relationship isn’t like Ross and Rachel’s, I get incredibly frustrated with all that back and forth stuff xD But I doubt it will be, and I think it’s a good idea for them. I’m really not sure what to expect. I could see them going either way, either breaking up for good or getting back together in the long run, so I’m curious to see what happens in the future. Although, I’m sure when Emilia gets introduced things will just get even more complicated xD I really hope that’s soon, I’m so curious :3

    I was kind of confused when Clara said she wasn’t close to Sara, but then she said she loved her in the next sentence. I mean, personally I wouldn’t say I loved all my friends, only the ones I’m close to, so it seemed a bit weird to me. But I’m probably just an unsentimental person xD

    Oh Clara, I knew it wouldn’t be that easy :/ JTG’s not going to give up that easily, you should know that. Still, it’s scary. I hope Noel gets to keep her job. Hopefully she will, since it’ll be hard for JTG to actually back up the sexual harassment claim without revealing who she is. But then who knows what tricks JTG has up her sleeve? Anyway, this definitely raises the stakes. She’s not afraid to fight dirty, that’s for sure. Putting that note on Clara’s bedside table was really creepy O.o I wonder how she got in… Anyway, overall this was a very interesting chapter. I’m really anxious to see what happens next.

    Commented on: February 13, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    Ooohhh that makes more sense. For some reason I thought the mayor was referring to trying to talk to Kozel to get info and prevent a war instead of torturing him to do it. I don’t really know why I thought that xD Anyway, there’s no need to apologize for typos, I make plenty of them too after all :P They’re not distracting. I think it’s hard for a person really notice the typos in their own stuff anyway. Or at least, I always struggle xD

    Fine, I hope she WILL be okay :P Eventually.

    Commented on: February 6, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    This was a great chapter. I like how determined Wendy is xD It was also interesting when she thought: “I think I'm the only one who wants to avoid conflict” right after the mayor said he wanted to prevent a war between monsters and humans. It shows that Wendy is kind of determined to see the humans in a bad light since she ignores the mayor when he says he’s trying to prevent a war, not start one, choosing to believe she’s the only one with her ideals. Although, I suppose he still said Carac could take extreme measures if Wendy failed. I guess even if he’s not as monster-hating as the rest of them he still has that prejudice.

    “wondering where she was when they had been fighting in the war” I thought this was worded weirdly. Personally I would write “wondering where she had been when they fought in the war”

    "Yes, they're real. They were able to keep one in human form” When I read this sentence I was confused, because at first ‘they’ referred to monsters so I thought it meant the monsters were able to keep one in human form xD

    “But first I have to think of a way to get in there, and get out him”

    “I don't know anything about monster”

    “The town already had enough problems” I think this should be has instead of had :)

    "Unfortunately I can't refuse your offer.” This part confused me. Why can’t Warren refuse Wendy’s offer? Is it just because they’re desperate? If that’s so, I still find it a bit strange he would agree so quickly, or believe Wendy when she says she can talk to animals. I mean, reading body language is different from talking xD Plus Wendy doesn’t have any experience with monsters and their body language could be different. Anyway, I felt like he accepted her offer to help a bit too easily. Or maybe it’s part of the satire and I’m missing it again xD

    Anyway, so far this story still doesn’t seem cliché to me :) I mean, I never even thought of it being like Beauty and the Beast and stories like that before you mentioned it (and it’s definitely not like Twilight, thankfully xD). I guess they do have similarities, seeing as there’s a monster/human relationship, but that’s only one aspect of the story and so far the rest seems original to me :)

    I loved Kozel’s part at the end. His reaction to seeing Wendy for the first time was hilarious. Especially when he referred to her as a “young maiden” :P The rest of his part was also well written. It was very tense and heartbreaking. I feel so sorry for Kozel, especially since he knows he could hurt Wendy even though he doesn’t want to. And now she’s been hit with that tranquilizer or whatever it is and they said some of the chemicals are lethal for humans… O.o I hope she’s okay.

    Commented on: February 6, 2015

  • Snowfall

    Snow's thoughts at the beginning about JTG were very intriguing. I must say, I hadn’t considered she could be more than one person. It’s a possibility, and could make sense if the three separate letters referred to their names, but at the moment I’m more inclined to believe it’s only one person, at least until there’s more evidence xD

    I was right about Nikki! Well, sort of ;) I thought something like her having a baby was one of the only options. But I would never have guessed she’d had an abortion though, so that was a good surprise. I felt so bad for her :( I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for her to do that when she obviously didn’t want to.

    Anyway, I can’t say I agree with Snow when she says Nikki’s parents would never disown her. I suppose it’s difficult for her to see, since her parents are totally loving and would never even think of disowning her, but I think in reality some parents would definitely do it if the situation arose. I don’t know much about Nikki’s parents, but if she says they would disown her I’ll believe it’s a possibility. Poor girl :( I hope I’m wrong.

    The ending scene was pretty depressing as well. I did expect Jackson and Snow to break up – I didn’t really think they’d be able to get past just Snow cheating, so when it turned out Jackson had cheated too that just convinced me even more :( It’s sad, but I think it’s for the best, at least for now. I think you did a really good job of portraying their haste and desire to feel alive again, especially Snow. I wanna give her a hug :( I’m not sure if sleeping together will be good in the long run for them, though. It might make things super awkward for them when they have to work together to find JTG (well, if I were them I’d feel super awkward, but they’re not me xD).

    On a side note, I hope we find out more about Emilia and the strange men staring at Snow soon xD I just remembered about those and I’m really curious :3

    Commented on: February 5, 2015

  • The Killer

    Thanks for the comment! Lol, Up xD To be honest when I wrote this I more had the dreams theme from Tangled in mind (how girly of me :P). But, the plot is definitely not going to be like either of those movies :P

    Thanks for pointing out those typos and the stuff about the POV change. I’ll try to make the fact it’s a dream clearer.

    Yes, Nate has definitely changed a lot since he met Lauren. He’s at a completely different time of his life – back then he was single, just out of university, and now he’s married with kids and responsibilities. And Lauren’s death changed him a lot too, for obvious reasons. Anyway, I’m glad that seemed to get through.

    Commented on: February 5, 2015

  • The Killer

    Thanks for the comment! Lol, I honestly haven’t thought about that xD I wouldn’t think they’d be able to see it. They might feel its presence or something, but they wouldn’t know what it was.

    Yeah, Nate’s definitely a lot different here :P Not just because of Lauren’s death and the creature, but because he’s in a different stage of life – in this chapter he’s fresh out of university and being hit on by a girl he thinks is way out of his league. But, by the main story he’s married to her with kids, so I guess he’s more mature overall and more confident of Lauren’s feelings for him.

    Anyway, this probably won’t end up being the last time Lauren appears. I don’t plan ahead much for this story but there’s things I’d like to write about that I feel are best if seen in this way, as flashbacks, so there will probably be more. And it makes sense in the story since the creature likes to poke around memories, so hopefully they won't seem random :P

    Commented on: February 3, 2015

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! Lol, Janipoo xD If you were Australian you would have said Jazza :P You don’t like Caleb much, do you? ;) Anyway, he’s not going to pretend that Janelle giving up her rebels for him isn’t the better option for his group, since it increases his numbers and stuff and gives him more control over what happens.

    Lol, well I didn’t really think about hygiene when I wrote it so girls are just as filthy as boys xD I’d imagine that they wouldn’t have as high hygiene standards as today, plus they don’t have access to a reliable source of water so it would be wasteful for Maui use some for that. Still, I should definitely make him wipe them or something. Thanks for pointing out my mistakes and repetition and stuff. And for suggesting that thing at the beginning. I always struggle to think of opening lines and stuff xD

    As for more fighting, eh… I’m really not sure xD I have one of the major plotlines mapped out quite clearly in my head, but the other is much more vague at the moment so I can’t say for sure. There might be a bit of action in the next chapter, actually, now I think about it. But it wouldn’t be a huge scene. But, there will be more politics and some sneaking around and things in the near future. That’s not exactly action, but it will be a change from the drama, in a sense :/ I hope that’s okay.

    As for questions, sorry if this is really weird, but what do you think are the main themes of the story? I'm just curious if people are thinking the same things I am when they read it as I am when I write it :P

    Commented on: February 1, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    I really liked the description of Kozel’s transformations. They were both really easy to picture and the first one especially was intense. And he’s a goat (sort of)! I love goats. I liked the details you had, like how his t-shirt ripped in the first transformation but he didn’t magically get it back when he changed into his human form, cos that would be weird.

    I also liked your action scenes. I’m no expert and this is really hypocritical of me, but sometimes I felt like they lacked a bit of extra detail. Particularly when Kozel was slaughtering human after human – did they make some sort of noise when they died? Did they scream, yell, etc? What were did their faces look like when Kozel killed them (like, did they look surprised, terrified, etc…). As for Kozel, I felt you could describe the injuries he received more. Did the cuts bleed, and if so how much? I don’t know, these are just ideas, I just felt if you included a bit more detail it would make those scenes more exciting and intense.

     “picked up his prey's sword and swinging it in an arc” I think this should either be “picked up his prey’s sword and swung it in an arc” or “picked up his prey’s sword and began swinging it in an arc”

    "Ha ha ha! You think you can beat me?" I kind of felt the “ha ha ha” distracted a little from the tension of the scene. I think it would be better to write “Ha! You think you can beat me” or just write that Kozel was laughing before :P

    “the other hunters hacked at his body of smashed the pommels of their swords against his head”

    “The dart had fallen off, and he didn't know how long the injection that kept him in his human form would last. He looked up, confused.” This part confused me, because when you described the dart in the first sentence it seemed like Kozel did know what was happening, but then in the next sentence he was confused as he looked up.

    Anyway, about the things you were worried about. So far, I don’t think the plot is cliché or slow, although it is only the second chapter so it’s probably a little early to judge xD I didn’t notice any major repetition, but there were a couple of things:

    “He hoped they hadn't really noticed the entrance to his cave” since the previous sentence mentions that they were standing outside a cave, it seems a bit repetitive to say “to his cave” at the end, since we can already infer that :)

    Secondly, and this isn’t really a bad instance of repetition I just found it awkward, you repeated “not wanting” a couple of times and I thought it seemed a bit jarring. Personally I’d find another way of saying it.

    Anyway, onto the characters. I guess I can’t say much about their development either at the moment since there hasn’t been much time for them to change and stuff, but so far I find them interesting and well rounded. I especially like Kozel. I felt really sorry for him when he transformed back into his human form, knowing he had killed all those people even though he never wanted to. I think you described his emotions well. To me he seems very lonely and has a defeated kind of attitude to him (even before he was defeated by the humans).

    I think Wendy is well-rounded too. She reminds me of those animal rights activists in real life who insists that all the industries using animals should be shut down overnight, but they don’t really seem to consider the effect that would have on the economy and society as a whole, as well as having a poor understanding of how those industries actually treat the animals. I guess because of that, I find her to be a very human character because she definitely reminds me of a number of people I know xD And she is trying to find out about monsters, so I guess she probably won't remain ignorant for much longer. I’m really curious what will happen when she meets Kozel, and how she’ll react if he changes into his goat form.

    Commented on: February 1, 2015

  • Under the Milky Way: Repulse Prelude

    The Arcturus device is making me nervous. They keep saying how important it is for the war, but… In stories things that important often end up failing badly xD I’m really worried for the safety of the ship and everyone on it. At the very least I think they’ll get stranded somewhere O.o

    I wonder how Abby knows that ship. I guess she must have had relatives or something, to react that way. And because she and Scarlett had similar eyes… Hmmm, it’s very intriguing. I wonder how they’re related. My first thought was that Abby was actually her mother or something, but now I realise I can’t remember exactly how old Abby is so I’m not sure if that’s possible xD So I guess she could be her cousin, older sister, aunt, or maybe just a distant relative of some kind. Or maybe it’s something else entirely :P

    Anyway, poor Scarlett… I felt so sorry for her, especially when she called Jake Dad… That brought a tear to my eye :’( The next chapter’s going to heartbreaking, that’s for sure. I hope she’s strong enough to deal with everything that’s happened to her. I know I wouldn’t be. But I liked seeing Jake get some action at last, in the rescue mission. He hasn’t done much yet aside from embarrass himself in front of Abby on multiple occasions xD

    Commented on: January 31, 2015

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! Well, I see it more as Hahana and Maui withheld information rather than directly lying xD I enjoyed writing that part though and including more about Maui’s family, since there hasn’t been that much about him so far. But let’s just say there’s a reason why Maui introduced himself as Maui to Carey and Samantha, instead of saying Maui Aroha even though most people would introduce themselves with both their first and last name in that situation.

    I’m glad 440 is sympathetic, even though he’s not the nicest guy ever :P I’ve always thought that it was what society (or more accurately, the Gifted) that made him what he is in the end. So, even though as 256 said he did have tendencies for violence, he was overall a good person before being punished. I watch too much Criminal Minds, that’s my problem xD Half the serial killers/rapists on that show have sympathetic backstories and it’s rubbed off on me :P As for when 256 finds out, well… Carey’s essentially digging a hole for herself here, because even if 256 understands that she killed him out of mercy, as of this chapter Carey definitively knows how important 440 was to him, and she’s deliberately not mentioning that he’s dead. As for Sam and Hahana laughing, they’re not up to anything sinister :P Hahana’s just good at getting straight-laced people to laugh xD

    Heheh, it’s funny you mention President Coin. Originally Caleb was a woman, but then I realised people might assume he was going to end up like President Coin so I changed his gender to make him a bit more distinct xD But, then I was faced with a dilemma because all of the authority figures (The Leader, Marvin, 805 and Caleb) were men. I’m attached to 805 and Marvin as men (plus I can’t really change 805’s gender without doing some serious rewriting xD) so I decided to make the Leader a woman instead since she hasn’t appeared nearly as much. But yeah, they’ve all definitely lost their way a bit, especially Janelle. And she definitely should have discussed it with someone, namely Sam, since it’s not like it’s just her decision to make. And giving control to Caleb is a pretty terrible idea. After all, even if he has completely good intentions, Janelle barely knows him at this point, so she's taking a huge risk :/

    Commented on: January 30, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    Hmmm… Well, if that’s the case, perhaps you could just change the wording of that line a little. It’s just, saying “No! It’s the humans, they’re after me!” seems a little comical to me (although, it might just be me cos I’m a bit weird :P). Even if you wrote something like ‘Kozel gasped. “Humans…”’ That seems more realistic and suspenseful, but it still gives the identity of his attackers and shows that he’s likely not a human himself :P That’s my suggestion, anyway, I’m not sure if it’s a good one >.<

    Well, I was confused about Wendy being a human/monster, especially when she said she hated humans. I was still kind of leaning toward her being a human (because the human on the cover looks like a woman :P)  but I only became convinced when the hunters started talking about monsters and stuff I figured if she were a monster they’d be attacking her xD With Kozel I kind of assumed he was a monster since Wendy seemed to be a human, but I was unsure until the ending.

     I hope that answered your question, I’m not sure if it did.

    Commented on: January 28, 2015

  • Giving Grace

    Overall, I thought this was a good first chapter. I think you did a good job of showing both sides of the story when it comes to animals/monsters, especially in Wendy’s part at the beginning. I think they both had good points about killing the flying fish. Even though it’s sad they have to die they are a pest and can provide food, so I can understand the hunter’s side. Anyway, I think Wendy is an interesting character so far. I kind of agree with that hunter guy, to me she seems kind of ignorant, although I’m sure her heart is in the right place. Kozel seems interesting too, although I haven’t got that much of an idea of his character yet. I’m curious to see what will happen.

    I felt that the last line kind of dampened the suspense of the ending. I don’t know, it doesn’t seem like something someone would actually say when faced with a threat and it’s already pretty obvious it’s going to be humans after him. I think it would be more suspenseful to leave it out.

    “and they would be expecting more of her.” I think this would sound better as “and they were expecting more of her” or something like that.

     “patted the gunne” “about to use the gunne” I noticed you used this spelling twice, is that deliberate? I can’t tell if it is or if it’s a typo xD

    “He got better,” I think it would be better if you found a different way to say that he healed from his injuries :P This one sounds a bit odd to me.

    "What do I do, damnit”

    By the way, I really like the cover. It looks so cool! Sorry this comment is really short. It's pretty late and my tired brain can't think of anything else to say, so feel free to bombard me with questions if you want xD

    Commented on: January 27, 2015

  • Storimhaib

    Aww, I think the quality is good. Still, I admire you for learning different languages. I’m horrible at them xD Anyway, I look forward to reading the next chapter if you decide to post it in the future. I should get to Giving Grace tonight :)

    Commented on: January 27, 2015

  • The Killer

    Thanks so much for reading! Haha, I hope you continue to enjoy the story :)

    Commented on: January 27, 2015

  • The Killer

    Bob, huh? I think he’s a Nigel, personally :P Anyway, whether Bogel is a real creature or just a part of Nate’s psychosis is supposed to be ambiguous, at least for the moment xD Thanks for pointing out those mistakes.

    Heheh, 200 dollars is still overly generous xD I’ve never really done any babysitting, but my friends who have were paid 50 dollars at most. Still, Nate feels the need to pay more for a couple of reasons: Firstly, Elaine isn’t a teenager, secondly Connor’s only a very young baby and therefore needs more care, and lastly because he kind of knows she won't accept it (even if he only offered her 20 bucks) but wants to express his gratitude.

    I honestly don’t know how much high school teachers earn xD I don’t think they’re paid that badly, though it wouldn’t be a great amount. But, I’d imagine his parents and probably Lauren’s are helping him keep up with payments and stuff, since it’s their grandkids he’s looking after.

    Yes, Lauren and Nate fought over their bedding and that’s why Nigel/Nate killed her :P He was so enraged that she’d chosen the colour purple that he lost his temper and let Nigel take over, you see. I guess he and I would never get along xD Purple’s the best colour, just sayin’.

    Commented on: January 27, 2015

  • Storimhaib

    Aaaaannnd the mystery of Gakk continues ;) I wonder if he really is a wizard, like Kalae thought at the end. That would mean he probably was the dude in the last chapter, which seemed pretty likely anyway as he said his name starts with G. Since he had a deep voice then I think Gakk is really an older wizard/technological expert disguised as a kid :P Or he could just have a deep voice, or was using a voice disguiser thingy (it’s a technical term). Anyway, I wonder what his motives are. He saved Joy from her dad, so I guess he can’t be all bad, even though he’s kind of creepy sometimes.

    Speaking of Joy’s dad, I still felt like his dialogue was a little cliché and lacked emotion. Perhaps if you added a bit more emotion behind his voice (in the dialogue starting with “He has a point”) by using another dialogue tag or described what he was doing when he spoke, it might make him seem a little scarier, if that’s what you’re going for. Still, it was strange how suddenly they disappeared. My theory is that Gakk teleported him away so he couldn’t hurt Joy, rather than it not happening at all like Joy thought.

    The part where Gakk appeared before Alan was intriguing too. Maybe he somehow sent Alan to whatever island he landed on. Speaking of, I wonder where that island is, and what the culture there will be like. Perhaps it will be a really patriarchal society, or alternatively one where men and women are equal. I wonder what Alan will think of that, especially if it’s patriarchal.

    When Alan said “If Joy and Kalae find out that I have depression” I think it would sound more natural as “If Joy and Kalae find out that I’m depressed”

    “I took out my knife just in case. In case he came back, or someone else had the same idea.” I thought the repetition of in case sounded odd. I’m not sure if it was deliberate, but it seemed awkward to me.

    “sort of appears at  certain occassions.”

    “I’m thinking that he may be a ghost.” At the start of this part of dialogue I was confused about who was talking :P Also, why does Kalae (I think) only suggest that Gakk was Joy’s cousin or brother? If he was a ghost, couldn’t he be her friend, or just anyone she’d lost?

    “I didn’t really want to thnik”

    “there were more intermediate problems”

    Commented on: January 26, 2015

  • Snowfall

    So, Brad is Mary’s cousin. Yep, I definitely wasn’t expecting that :P It makes sense though. I wonder what he wanted from the jewellery store though. I really have no idea what it could be xD Still, I feel really sorry for Mary. I don’t think Ariana would have cared at all if she lost them (especially since Mary feels so bad about it) but I’d imagine she probably would care if she found out about her stealing new ones.

    Sorry Clara, I don’t think blocking JTG’s number is going to work at all. At best she’ll just get a new number, at worst, she’ll get angry and then who knows what she’ll do :/ I don’t think JTG is Sara’s killer. I think they might be working together, but I doubt they’re the same person. I wonder, though, if Sara did a get any messages before she died. I think that could definitely be a possibility.

    And Cooper! Aaahh, that part of the chapter was probably my favourite. I’ve missed him <3 I hope he shows up a lot in the future. I felt really sorry for Ariana in this chapter but I think having Cooper back occasionally will definitely help her. Especially since I don’t think she’ll ever really get to talk through her own feelings on her impending death with Kayla or Snow, so having another person there to vent to will be helpful. Especially since Cooper knows what it’s like to die, although his death was far more sudden and unexpected than Ariana’s will be.

    I found it kind of sad when Cooper said that Alana never dates anyone. I know they’re going to meet gain in the afterlife or whatevs, but that still depresses me a bit :( I don’t know, I’ve always felt that it’s important to move on after loss, even if it takes a long time. Sorry for rambling.

    There was one thing I found a bit odd. If Brad is Mary’s dad’s brother’s son, why don’t they have the same last name? I can’t quite remember Mary’s last name, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Reynolds. Unless Brad (or Mary, but Brad’s more likely) took his mother’s name?

    Commented on: January 26, 2015

  • The Killer

    Thanks for the comment! I should get to your stories soon :)

    Well, I meant that he literally has a long face as opposed to a short, round one, but I should probably find a different way to say that because of the usual expression of someone having a long face :P As for Frances driving his car, I figured she stayed over at his house or something the night before and then insisted she drive because of Nate's emotional state. But I’ll add that in. Thanks for pointing those out, and the other errors as well.

    I’m glad the style okay. I wrote it that way mostly because I was bored and stuck on my other stories at the time so I thought I’d try something completely different xD I decided to challenge myself so that's why I wrote it from an older, male POV. It's fun to make things hard for myself :P

    As for Brandon, one of your guesses is sort-of similar to what his deal really is, but still quite different :P Anyway, it won’t be long before you find out who Lauren’s killer is.

    Commented on: January 23, 2015

  • Gifted

    Thanks so much for the comment! Sorry, I like those names so they're staying ;) Thanks for the advice, that part has troubled me a bit so I'm happy to hear your opinion. And no worries about taking a while, I've been away all week without internet access anyway. I'll definitely be getting back to your story soon! :)

    Commented on: January 23, 2015

  • Storimhaib

    Awww, I feel so stupid now xD Sorry, I’m really not very good at picking up satire or anything like that :P For example, I’m always that idiot who takes those fake newspaper articles people write seriously. It’s really embarrassing :P

    Hmmm, it’s hard to say how I would write it. I guess I’d probably write in a subtler way, so some people would understand the point I was trying to get across, but not so dramatic that people would think the characters were acting strangely. That way you could avoid the idiots like me who take everything seriously complaining about out-of-characterness :P Or I might draw more attention to the fact they were tired and stuff, since I’ll admit I didn’t really pay much attention to that detail when I read it. But, I suppose it depends on how obvious you want it to be. Sorry if that’s not very helpful. As I said I tend to take things seriously all the time, so I’m not sure if I’m the best person to ask.

    As for The Killer, I don’t really mind. I’d like to hear your thoughts on it, but if you think it’s not your thing then don’t force yourself. But if you do decide to read it, don’t be offended if I don’t reply for ages xD I’m going away tomorrow and I’m not sure how much internet access I’ll have while I’m there. I saw you have a new story too, would you like me to comment on it? Although, again I probably won't have time to read it until I get back, unless the internet access is better than I'm predicting :P

    Commented on: January 14, 2015

  • Storimhaib

    I must say, I’m offended. I’m so offended I might just stop reading this story. You see, my name also starts with a G. I’m offended by your portrayal of us as travelling wizards who may or may not be young boys named Gakk. This discrimination must stop now!

    Yeah, I’m not very good at making jokes :P

    Anyway, the mysterious wizard interests me. As I said maybe he’s Gakk, since he said his name starts with a G. Plus it said he was “small and slight” so maybe that means he’s a kid. Although, I wouldn’t think that Gakk would have that deep a voice if he was only around twelve xD I don’t know, maybe he went through puberty early or something. Plus, him being magical would explain how he randomly appearing in the library and stuff. I wonder how he got magic. I still think the storimhaib is a technology thing of some kind (or a myth) so I wonder if that dude/maybe Gakk used technology or if it was actually magic.

    Whoever he was, I think he was possessing Alan or something. He was acting really weird, when he was mocking Joy and insulting God and stuff. And then after he seemed back to normal for a bit, before she ran off. Or maybe he was just in a bad mood, and that’s why he was being so mean all of a sudden :P

    I thought it was a bit extreme of Joy to think that Alan was possibly trying to rape her, though. He was being mean but it’s not like he was acting sleazy or doing something to indicate that he wanted to take advantage of her in that way. But, if her father and brother abused her I guess she might be more inclined to jump to that conclusion (although, I don’t know how they abused her). Still, I thought her dad was dead or something, so that revelation was surprising. The ending where she got captured was pretty scary, but I found her dad’s words: "Finally, I've found you. You're all mine now, honey" a little cliché. I’m not really sure why, I just didn’t feel as frightened for her as I could have been because of that. I found him scarier in the first chapter in the warehouse.

    I enjoyed the Queen’s POV as well. She’s very narcissistic, isn’t she? :P I was surprised her favourite captain was a man, since she seems to hate men so much. Maybe he’s her husband/boyfriend as well. Kalae had to come from somewhere, after all xD

    I was surprised the psychologist person was a woman. I had just assumed they were a man (is that sexist of me? :P). Still, that part was interesting. Maybe it was a social experiment, since it seems mean to leave her as the only woman on the boat. I know I’d hate to be in that position xD Although I suppose it turned out there were islands, but it could still be an experiment.

    “the Book of Quatix in my hands.” I’m not sure if this was supposed to be in all italics or not :P

    “And if he was't,”

    “When it dissipated a couple seconds”

    “a good leader always has to play bad cop.” I’m not sure if this is just me, because I’m not that familiar with this expression, but I felt like this should be “a good leader always has to play the bad cop”

    Commented on: January 14, 2015

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! Haha, originally I didn’t include the stuff about his son’s age in this chapter, but when I was reading it over I thought: “People are just gonna think 256 is his kid, aren’t they?” xD I didn’t want it to look like I was unoriginal and using the same plot twice so I decided to just make it obvious he wasn’t Caleb’s son from the start. Caleb’s son is a random Gifted who has never been introduced, just like 256’s parents are random people. Although, none of them may ever appear in the story (or maybe they will :3) so it might not matter. Anyway, I’m glad that Caleb and his rebels are thought-provoking. They’re supposed to be morally ambiguous, like the Gifted themselves :3 As for Caleb’s mirror being turned around, it’s just because he doesn’t like being reminded about his scars and how he got them. He’s not a vampire or something :P

    I’m glad Thomas’s story was emotional. Most of the details he spoke of came from some of my many side stories, so it was fun to include them (although sad :P). Anyway, about Carey’s powers, I’ll give you a hint – there’s a few details that I deliberately left out, back when I wrote chapter fifteen, and it makes it a lot harder to guess what Carey’s deal is without them. I’m not sure whether that’ll be helpful or not xD

    Lol, Sam does need to get her priorities together. Although, Hahana pretty much just invited herself and Maui along on this mission, so she didn’t have much choice but to let them come xD But yeah, everyone they run into would never have seen a black person before, so regardless of whether they’re wearing armour or not they’re going to get noticed.

    Commented on: January 13, 2015

  • Under the Milky Way: Repulse Prelude

    The beginning part was interesting. I liked learning more about their mission. Lol, I think I’m getting used to the sci-fi because I felt like I was remembering more of the stuff than before xD

    And Scarlett, gosh… Ack, I can’t imagine what that must have felt like. Anyway, her whole escape from the ship and stuff was great, really captivating. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time, and rather terrified xD I don’t know why, I just found it really scary. I don’t usually feel that way when I read things, so you must have done a good job. I like how you showed the normal, everyday dramas of her life first – her brother beig the golden child, her dream to be a navigator, gossip from her best friend… It made the rest of the sequence that much more heart-breaking. I feel really sorry for her :( Her home and everyone she knows is dead and destroyed… Still, I think she’ll be strong enough to survive. She did show a lot of strength of spirit in escaping, like when she didn’t commit suicide. Anyway, so far I like her character. I hope Abby’s ship will find her. Even if Abby said no detours at the start, I’m sure that’s what’s going to happen :P

    Anyway, this was something I noticed: “A second later the dome cracked, a massive section of the dome boiled away. Chunks of the dome, some multiple kilometers long,” Here you repeated the word dome a lot :P

    Commented on: January 12, 2015

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! Lol, my inner gender equalitist nature is trying very hard to resist ranting xD Anyway, thanks for pointing out those typos and awkward wordings.

    Your comments don’t sound stupid xD They didn’t decide to wear their armour just to make Samantha smile, they wore it cos they wanted to :P Hahana just used the situation to her advantage. In reality it doesn’t really matter that the uniform will attract unwanted attention. To be frank they’re going to attract attention anyway even if they don't wear it, since they’re black (or in Hahana’s case, half black half white) and pretty much nobody on the island has ever seen a black person before. I never really thought about Carey being hesitant. You’re right, she would be. As for why they left at night, I forgot to write about this so I’ll add it in but it’s because they (meaning Sam :P) don’t really trust the other rebel group much yet and they don’t want them to know what their group is up to until they’re sure they can trust them.

    256 is lucky that Carey is both an uncommon name and a unisex name. And lol, I added that part about his son’s age precisely because it looked like 256 was going to turn out to be his actual son xD I didn’t want people to think I was being unoriginal and using a similar plot point twice, so I decided to make it obvious he wasn’t :P But, if 256 had been like: "Caleb, I am your son!" he wouldn’t have killed him. There’s a difference between what Caleb says and thinks he feels and what he actually feels deep down. Regardless of what he thinks about the Gifted, his son is still his son and he probably would find it very difficult to kill him if they ever came face to face. Sorry if that doesn't make any sense, btw xD And he is pretty confident overall, he just doesn’t like being reminded of his own mutilation and the memories of when it happened.

    Commented on: January 11, 2015

  • Snowfall

    Lol, the title… Now I’ve got Miss Atomic Bomb by The Killers stuck in my head. I don’t mind, because it’s my favourite song ever :3 I don’t know if that’s what it was a reference to, but that line is in that song so that’s what I’m thinking of.

    It’s interesting that Sara appeared before Clara too. It makes me wonder who else she visited that night. Anyway, the whole funeral was very heart-wrenching. I’ve never been to one, so I don’t know if it was realistic, but it seemed like it was to me. I felt really bad for Snow, but I hope that it will help her to begin to move on now that Sara’s been buried. The scene with them looking at her dead body creeped me out a little though O.o Not that you should change it or anything, I just always feel that way about burials. Personally I think cremation is a better option, less creepy. Lol, sorry for rambling.

    I’m curious about Nikki’s secret. At the moment, I see two options: either she had a baby, although I don’t see how that could have happened without her parents noticing xD Unless she was away for a long time, or something, which is totally possible, so it’s still a viable option. The second option is that she had a girlfriend, and her devout parents are super conservative and don’t approve. Those are my guesses, anyway xD I’m not sure what else it could be. Anyway, it was interesting to learn more about her, and about Clara’s mum. I found that part strangely heart-warming, when she said she wouldn’t trade her mum for anyone.

    As for Mary, I must admit I was surprised that she stole from the store because she lost Ariana’s earrings. I was imagining something far more obscure lol, and I can’t believe I didn’t pick up on that :P. Still, I don’t think Zoe believed Mary, despite her thinking she did. I wouldn’t have, if I were her xD I’m certain she’s not out of the woods about it yet. She gave them back, which was the right thing to do, but it’s definitely not over.

    Now the only one of the group who’s not with them is Steven. I don’t think he’s JTG, but I think they’ll suspect him next :3 The ending was creepy. I honestly have no idea who JTG could be at the moment. Is she (I’m just gonna call her a she for now, because as Mary said she does sound like a woman even though that could be a front) someone who’s already been introduced, or someone new? Lol, I guess I’ll just have to wait to find out :P

    Commented on: January 9, 2015

  • Whispers of Nowhere

    Sorry for taking so long!

    I was surprised that Gwen found it unbelievable that the council created another world to serve as a prison :P I would have thought after all the things she’s witnessed and heard about so far nothing would surprise her anymore ;) Anyway, that part was very interesting. I wonder what sort of things are locked up in Nowhere. Nothing to pleasant, I assume :P Still, I definitely didn’t expect it to be a prison, so good job on that surprise ^^

    I’m curious about why they’re so insistent on Gwen going – I mean, even if she was the one to release the artifacts she doesn’t have any powers or anything so theoretically they might be better off leaving her behind. I guess there must be some reason behind why she has to go along, like maybe she’s the only one who can find them because she released them or something like that. I felt really sorry for Forneus, as well. He’s probably my favourite character, so I do hope they can get his powers back :(

    Overall there was a lot of exposition in this chapter, and the previous ones. I think you could do with spreading out some of the details about the world, or save them for later chapters. It would be more intriguing that way, plus I’d probably have an easier time remembering everything xD

    Anyway, something I’ve noticed is that you never use the word “said”. I’ve always been told that with dialogue it’s better to let the words speak for themselves instead of using a whole lot of other tags. I’m not saying you shouldn’t use them at all, but there are a lot of places where you’ve used words like inquired, responded, guessed, etc, where a simple said would work just as well. Then it’s up to the readers to guess the purpose behind the dialogue, if that makes sense. It probably doesn't, because I'm horrible at explaining myself xD Anyway, just something I thought I’d point out ^^

    Also, occasionally I feel like you’ve added unnecessary details, such as in this sentence:

     She shifted from one foot to the other, one of her nervous habits, one he was familiar with, though he couldn't quite remember the first time he'd seen her do it,

    This just seemed very long and wordy to me. It’s a bit of a "show, don’t tell" thing – if Gwen keeps doing that the readers may realise it’s a nervous habit of hers, while here we’re just being told by Forneus that it is. Pus, considering there is dialogue on either side of this sentence it makes it very long and clunky. Another example is in this sentence: “though I wish it had been later, rather than sooner…” The “rather than sooner” bit is unnecessary because we can already infer that from when he says he wishes it had been later.

    I think your writing is good, overall – your description is great and very detailed, easy to picture. I just think that sometimes it could do with being simpler, with less commas and more separate sentences. In my opinion it would flow better that way, but of course that might just be me ^^

    Commented on: January 8, 2015

  • Gifted

    Thanks for the comment! The Leader’s Gift has not been mentioned so far, but it would appear that she has an Air one :P

    Commented on: January 4, 2015

  • Gifted

    Thanks so much for the comment! There’s no need to apologize – I’m the one who hasn’t commented on your story for so long :( Sorry, I’m very forgetful >.< I should have some time over the next few days so I’ll do my best to get to it.

    Anyway, so far it seems that you’re thinking about things the way I want people too, particularly about 256 :)

    Commented on: January 4, 2015

  • The Killer

    Lol, it surprised me the way nearly everyone who read this thought it was going to be a murder mystery :P Originally it was going to be revealed in the first chapter, but I liked the ending of him running away from Brandon so I put it in this one instead. Still, I’m glad it was a surprise, as well as Nate (sort of) being the one to kill her.

    I’m glad Max and Nate’s interactions were good too :) I was worried about Max, because I’ve never really been around young children much. I did deliberately make him act a little younger than he is (being all clingy and stuff) since he’s very vulnerable at the moment. Anyway, I hope he’s realistic xD

    Commented on: January 2, 2015

  • The Orphan's Code

    The prologue was great. I love the description of the fire and their escape, and the emotions of all of the orphans were great. I think you did a great job with their characters, too – it’s only the prologue and I already feel like I’ve got a good idea of their personalities, especially Liam and Kayo.  

    However, I felt the first chapter itself started a little slow. There was a lot of exposition, and usually I prefer it when chapters start with plot. But I understand it’s necessary and the prologue definitely captured my attention, so I don’t think it’s anything to worry about :) Plus the rest of the chapter made up for it. You did a wonderful job describing poor Rafael’s emotions as his friend killed him so brutally. And I think you did a great job with Romero’s emotions too, even though he’s obviously a bad guy the way you described it definitely added a human touch to him. I like that in villains, it’s boring if they’re just one-sided evil-doers ;) At the moment I’m guessing that Kayo will be the King’s son since he said he doesn’t remember where he came from and the summary says the prince escaped. Though I’m not sure how he ended up in an orphanage since at the end the baby’s still with his mother. I guess I’ll just have to read on and find out xD

    In terms of technical issues there were a few minor things. I’ll point out the ones I noticed:

    “He coughed, hard, as he squinted through the miasma” Personally I felt like the first two commas were unnecessary, I think the sentence would flow better if they were removed. But that’s just my opinion, of course :)

    I’m surprised that, at twelve/thirteen and underfed, Kayo is nearly fully grown. Although it’s common for girls to have their growth spurts at that age boys don’t usually have them until they’re older, in their mid-teens, and won’t be fully grown for even longer after that. Sure, some people have them early, but if he’s malnourished it’s more likely he would have a late growth spurt rather than an early one. Sorry, I’m a bit of a science geek :P

    “In a distant kingdom, above a city that gleamed by the shores of the sea, there sat a castle made of white stone with colored windows that gleamed like jewels in the light from within.” You’ve used the word gleamed twice which seems a little repetitive. Personally I’d find another way to say it the second time :)

    “he lifted Romero’s sword from the mud.” I think this should be Rafael’s sword.

    Also, this is just a pet hate of mine, but I really dislike when capital letters are used to signify someone shouting. I don’t know, to me it seems unnecessary since it’s usually pretty clear that they’re angry and reading lots of capital letters in a row can be annoying. But as I said it’s a pet hate of mine so don’t worry about changing it unless you want to :) I just thought I’d point it out anyway xD

    Commented on: January 2, 2015

  • Under the Milky Way: Repulse Prelude

    Lol, I mustn’t have read this very thoroughly the first time because I remember wondering what was going on with the car crash, even though it was made pretty clear back in chapter two xD I think I understand now. So, something happened to Abby’s family, as alluded to in this chapter, then she got in her car and crashed into the SUV which led to the death of people. Gosh, I can't imagine how that must feel O.o On top of whatever happened, she accidently got people killed... I honestly don’t know how I missed that. Still, I wonder how her family got killed, if that’s what happened.

    Poor Jake xD He can’t do anything right, can he? His behaviour around Abby is very amusing xD Still, at least he did something right at the end by her when he stopped her from having to read those papers. Lol, he’s probably my favourite character at the moment.

    Wow, I must say I’m amazed by all the details in this story. Although, perhaps it’s just because I’m not used to reading lots of sci-fi, but in this chapter I felt like there was a heck of a lot of information for me to absorb in one sitting :P My small brain couldn’t quite manage it, I’m afraid. I mean, I know it’s kind of necessary to have all this info, but I’ll probably forget about most of it xD I felt very much like Sheridan and Abby when Dmitrov explained his machine thingy :P

    Commented on: January 2, 2015

  • Carriers

    This chapter was amazingly sad :( Shay’s emotions were just… Ugh, I can’t even describe them xD You did a great job with this chapter, I’m very impressed. I think her reaction was very realistic, especially the way she just kept on trying to get to Marena’s body, even though she was probably already dead. I wonder what will happen with their group now. One of their leaders is gone, and Marena meant more to most of them (except Laylia) than Jaycee did… I’m really curious to read on and see what happens. I feel like the story could go anywhere now.

    Anyway, there was one thing that bothered me with this chapter. Wouldn’t Marena’s body have floated to the surface, unless there was something tying her down? I’m not quite sure of the science behind it, but I know dead bodies float in water (although, it might take a while for it to happen in which case it’s probably okay). Still, Shay was acting like she’d stay at the bottom of the river forever, when she’d eventually float to the surface and be found by a camper after a while.

    Here’s a typo I found:

    “causing ever fiber in her body”             &

    Commented on: January 2, 2015

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! Sorry for making all those mistakes xD I’m not going to have another character’s POV. Even though it would be interesting, the story is already established as having three POVs and I feel like it would be un-formulaic to randomly start writing from a new person’s POV unless one of them dies. I like things to follow a formula :P Anyway, Samantha’s safe for the immediate future, so don't worry :P And although she does have a secret, it’s not a dark one. It’s pretty mundane, actually.

    As for Thomas’s reaction, I should put more details about that… It’s something I added in at the last minute (before I just said she hadn’t told anyone) but then I realised there was no way he wouldn’t have guessed the truth xD Still, he’s a calm guy most of the time so I don’t think he would say much about it, he’d just offer to help her or something if she needed it.

    Carey doesn’t want anyone to know because she still feels guilty about killing that man and injuring 256, and not telling anyone is kind of a way to pretend it didn’t happen. If they don’t know about it, she doesn’t have to face it – hence why she refuses when 256 tries to talk about it and get her to join him and Thomas when they practice.

    Haha, it’s funny you should say that Caleb would have killed Reagan because originally Caleb was going to kill Reagan as well as John :P It would be rather silly of Carey and 256 to trust him at this point, since the evidence certainly isn’t in his favour xD

    As for what Samantha did, I have the idea that she went back to that seaside village where they met Hahana and Maui and fumed there for a few days, thinking things over. She probably brought food/money/other supplies with her. I’m not sure why, I just picture her going there xD I also thought she might go back to her village but that's too far away.

    Commented on: December 30, 2014

  • Snowfall

    I liked seeing the warehouse again xD I’ve missed that place… Since they’ve made it their hideout, I’m happy as I’ll probably get to see it more in the future :P

    Anyway, this chapter was interesting. It’s good that the three of them have shared their secrets and are going to work together. It makes me curious if there’s anyone else JTG is bothering though. Mary’s likely, but Nikki and Steven… I’m not sure, cos I don’t know much about them :P For all I know, one of them could be JTG. I’m really looking forward to meeting Emilia too. I feel like she’s going to be very important beyond being the girl Jackson slept with.

    I feel really sorry for Snow now she’s beginning to see that Sara wasn’t the same as she remembers. I can’t imagine what that feels like, especially since she’s having to deal with the pain of her death too :( I liked how Clara had a more realistic view of Sara in contrast. Sara was a good friend but still, she was manipulative. I really liked their interaction (Clara and Snow) especially when Snow told Clara about how she blacked out. I agree with Clara, I don’t think Snow would have killed Sara, no matter what. Unless she was possessed or something :P

    Although, I did feel like Snow was being a bit insensitive to Jackson’s anger over Clara’s mistake. I mean, it might have been an accident but his friend is paralysed, and even if he regains some movement in his legs it’s unlikely he’ll be able to walk, at least not like he used to. I thought his anger was justified, though not very helpful as Snow said, but she didn’t have to yell at him. But, since she was angry at him anyway for sleeping with Emilia I think her yelling at him was an understandable thing for her to do. And she did apologize later so I won’t hold it against her :P

    I’ll probably try to get to Under the Milky Way by the end of the week. I have to reread the first two chapters first xD

    Commented on: December 29, 2014

  • Snowfall

    Wow, there were a lot of unexpected surprises in this chapter. Firstly, I didn’t expect Brad and Michael to be working together O.o Damn, that changes things. I believe Michael when he says he didn’t kill Sara, but I still don’t like him xD He spoke too casually about her death. I mean, he could show a little remorse over the death of a sixteen year old girl, even if she was out to prove he was evil or whatever.

    It’s interesting about Mary too. She didn’t want Ariana’s gift of jewellery, which makes me think she’s feeling guilty about stealing from the jewellery store… At least, that’s my theory xD I wonder what the problem she wanted Brad to help her with is. I’m also really wondering what was going on back in chapter three or whatever number it was. Michael didn’t seem that interested in Mary, talking as though she were a hindrance, which seems weird. Now I think about it I don’t think (I could be wrong, I’m going by my fuzzy memory here) that Sara actually saw him raping her, she just saw him approach and assumed that’s what happened. Although I have no idea what else could have happened, seeing as she was naked and cried. Maybe it did happen and he’s just trying to hide it from Brad, because I assume he’d probably get pretty mad if he found out. But I don’t know. I’m confused now xD

    Anyway, the second part of the chapter was even more surprising than the first. I must say, I never expected that Jackson would have cheated on her too, on the same night. I feel bad, but I find that kind of funny :P And with Emilia, that doctor’s daughter… Well, that’s going to but a hindrance on Snow’s promise to talk to her. Anyway, overall I thought that scene was well-written. I'm not really sure what will happen next between them. Before I thought Jackson might break up with Snow when she told him about Sara, but since it turns out he cheated on her too I don't know what to expect. Especially with JTG thrown into the mix O.o

    I’m also glad that the bookstore was mentioned again. I had assumed that they had sold it and Ariana was a housewife or something, but I’m really glad to hear that she still owns it and keeps it going :) I don’t know why, that just made me feel warm and fuzzy.

    Commented on: December 29, 2014

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! Lol, I’m glad you like Carey and 256’s interactions xD They’re both not the suavest of people :3 I don’t know why I get so much enjoyment over making my characters say and do stupid things. Although, half the stupid things are based on things I say – like the squishy thing :P As for Carey’s powers, the thing I mentioned in my last reply was actually moved from this one to the next, but yes it is rather odd she has so much control over them. Especially compared to someone like Thomas.

    256 never spoke to Reagan, at least not on-screen (on-page? :P). They were probably introduced at some point, but they never knew each other well. For Carey Reagan was a friend, and shared her power. So yeah, she’s upset and wishing he were still alive so she could ask him if he knew anything about her newfound abilities. 256 is saddened by the sombre atmosphere and the feelings of his friends, but he’s not sad on a personal level. As for Caleb, it would be very stupid of Carey to trust him at this point :P After all, she knows basically nothing about him.

    I must say I was quite worried about Janelle’s bit and what people would think about her dismissing him being a spy. I thought it seemed natural, since she’s more concerned with the fact he died and as Samantha said the evidence points to him switching to their side. Still, I was worried people would think differently xD I really love writing about close platonic relationships, and theirs is probably my favourite too :P Lol, it’s ironic that their friendship is magical when they’re the two main characters without magical powers xD

    Commented on: December 29, 2014

  • Carriers

    I’m pretty sure this is where I was up to. I definitely remember the last chapter, anyways :P

    I love how you built up the atmosphere of this chapter. At the beginning it was a pleasant read, I enjoyed reading about their antics with the canoes and was surprised about Shay’s birthday. It seemed like another light chapter, but then when the water patrol guys appeared the tension started building. I was holding my breath by that point, hoping they wouldn’t recognise them or arrest them… Anyway, overall it was a great build up to that ending.

    I can’t believe Marena is dead (if she is dead… But from the sound of that injury with the oar and the nature of this story my guess is that she will be). I thought she or Carson might die but I pictured it being at the end, not in the middle. Anyway, it’s a great (but sad) twist if she is, and I liked how you described Shay as the events unfolded, especially when she thought Marena was too strong for the water patrol guy to beat her. And the irony when she said: “I might die, right here, on a goddamn river. Nothing glorious, heroic or brave about that” right before it happened. Anyway, overall this was a great, very emotional chapter. The description of Marena’s fight was very vivid and tense and I’m holding my breath for the next chapter. I think she’s probably dead but there’s still a bit of hope inside me :(

    Here’s some typos I found:

    “singing the waivers under aliases”. That’s a unique method :P

    “water patrol’s for reasons unknown” I don’t know, maybe this is just me, but usually I would say “unknown reasons” instead of “reasons unknown”. Although, that phrase does remind me of a song I like, and now I’ve got it stuck in my head xD Sorry for rambling.

    Also, you repeated the phrase “watched helplessly” at the end, I think it would have more impact if you found a different way of saying it the second time :)

    Commented on: December 28, 2014

  • The Killer

    Thanks for the comment! I’m glad you like the ending haha. So far most people seem to assume from the first chapter that the story will be a murder mystery, so I’m always worried how people will react when her killer is actually revealed in the second chapter (although, you don’t know much about them, so I suppose it’s still a mystery :3). But, luckily people seem to have liked it the way it is and not complained, so I suppose it must be alright. Anyway, I’m happy you thought the italicised parts were his thoughts at first – that’s what Nate thinks they are, so it’s fitting :P

    Commented on: December 28, 2014

  • The Killer

    Thanks for the comment! Haha, I’m glad the first person was okay. I started this when I was stuck on my other stories and thought I should try something different. You’re right, I probably should show more of his speech… I don’t know why I didn’t in the first place, actually :P I'll probably be able to get to your story tomorrow, I'm busy tonight :)

    Commented on: December 27, 2014

  • Storimhaib

    After reading this chapter I think that the storimhaib is probably some piece of technology rather than magic, and it can be used to control people or something like that. Like some sort of thing that brainwashes people. Or maybe it’s a really powerful weapon and the people were united out of fear. I also think it might be not really there at all, and is just a myth the Queen’s ancestor made up to get people to follow her.

    I do find the other characters interesting. The Queen and Gak are the two I’m wondering most about, and as I said I really like Kalae. Gak reminds me of this serial killer kid from an episode of Criminal Minds xD Not that I think he’s a serial killer, he just gives me that creepy vibe. I’m not really sure what he is, and how he fits in. I guess if the storimhaib really is magic he could be magical in some way. I think Alan and Joy are interesting too – Joy in particular, I’m not quite sure what her motives and stuff are, so I’m interested to find out what’s going on with her family and why she was stealing stuff. She seems more of a revolutionist while Alan is more down-to-earth, even though he does want gender equality and stuff. And she seems full of self-confidence, while he’s more negative and kind of cynical about things. I like the contrast between them and I think they are interesting characters :)

    Lol, I didn’t even realise the cover had a face on it (does it? It looks like a face to me :P) until I enlarged it xD No, I don’t think it’s too creepy or anything.

    Commented on: December 23, 2014

  • Storimhaib

    Yay, a new chapter! :)

    I was surprised to learn that Kalae is the Queen’s daughter. I seem to remember that she was described as being in her thirties (although, I might have forgotten), so I never would have guessed that because of the small age difference xD But, considering that they said in this chapter technology is only available for the rich, I suppose the Queen probably uses make-up and technology  and stuff to stay looking young. At least, that’s my theory :P Anyway, I really liked the part from Kalae's point of view, and I hope she gets more in the future. It’s sad how she has tried to impress her mother, only to never be noticed for her efforts . I think that's a relatable situation for a lot of people. She’s probably my favourite so far after this chapter xD

    The journal part was super interesting as well. It’s cool how they wanted to use the islands to create a place of complete equality. I feel like an idea like that is just doomed to fail, unfortunately, and I guess it did since girls are super-powerful in Berkoz :/ It’s one of those things that would be great but could never work in real life because everyone will have prejudices about something or other xD It’s really interesting how it seems that life on the islands, and the language and the culture, were just created by scientists. It’ll be interesting to see what the other islands are like, and how different their society is from Berkoz.

    “I took out the tiny green present that I was too afraid to open when it was given to me, and placed it on my lap, my head full of bittersweet emotions.” In this part I feel the emotions would be more powerful if you took out the “my head full of bittersweet emotions” part. I think his bittersweet emotions are already obvious from his dialogue, thoughts, etc, so that part is a bit unnecessary. But other than that I thought the emotions were really good. I really liked learning about Alan’s grandma and his relationship with her. She seems to be a pretty cool lady, since she gave Alan an iPod or something similar  to tell him to leave Berkoz and explore the world xD And she called him storimhaib, too. Maybe she’s one of the scientists, or I guess one of their descendants (I’m not sure how much time has passed) who’s been told about the world outside or whatever.

    Also I was a bit confused when Alan thought that Joy’s dad must have left her because of how she reacted to his question about her parents. I mean, I understand why he would think that one or both of her parents left her, but how come it has to be her dad? Her mum could have been the one to leave :P

    “I shrugged, not wanting her to think I was .” The last word is missing :P

    Commented on: December 22, 2014

  • Snowfall

    I’m glad the subject of Adrian came up at last. I mean, I know it’s not something they probably mention a lot but I must admit I was curious about Snow’s opinion on it. I felt really bad for her when she was wondering if Ariana saw Adrian when she looked at her :( I can’t say I know what it’s like to be in her position, but it seemed realistic to me that she would wonder that. And it was heart-warming when Ariana corrected her too. Noooo, I don't want her to die :( I'm absolutely dreading when she has to tell Snow about that. I suspect many tissues will be required for that chapter xD

    Snow’s dream was interesting too – I wonder if it has something to do with that murderer that was mentioned a while back. I hope Snow doesn’t get caught by him (if he’s still around) :( Or anyone else, for that matter.

    And Sara… :( I can’t say I was expecting her to come back, even if she’s only a ghost. I wonder if she’s a guide, like Cooper and Claire. I wonder if they’ll come back at some point, actually :P They must still be around too, somewhere. Anyway, her warning about Michael was chilling. I don’t think he killed Sara (although I think he could have been involved), but he’s still creepy and surely up to something bad.

     

    Commented on: December 22, 2014

  • The Killer

    Thanks so much for the comment!!! I’m glad the first person was okay haha. I’ve never written in that style before, so it was definitely unfamiliar for me. It didn’t really help that the main character is a man, and a lot older than I am… xD Lol, I created so many problems for myself.

    I say it’s never too early for theories :P Lauren’s killer is actually revealed quite early on, so in this case early theories are better.  Brandon’s role is probably more ambiguous, although in my opinion fairly obvious as well, but it’s not revealed for a while :P But, I suppose I wrote so I’ll have to see whether others think it’s obvious or not.

    Commented on: December 21, 2014

  • Snowfall

    I was happy (and yet sad :P) that it was Kayla who comforted Snow after she broke down at last about Sara instead of Ariana, which is what I would have expected. So far in this story I was kind of getting the feeling that she was getting a little neglected in her role as one of Snow’s mothers, because all of the mother/daughter scenes have pretty much been with Ariana. Especially since Kayla would really be just as much her mother as Ariana is, even if they’re not related by blood. Anyway, because of that I really liked that scene, and the things Kayla told her about her coping with Claire and Ariana’s death/near-death. I think Snow will be okay too. Eventually :(

    The part with Dr Banks was interesting (and yet so creepy :P) too. I wonder why all these older dudes keep checking her out. I guess they must be connected, and I don’t think they’re really looking at her “in that way” but I’m not sure what their motive is. And this Emilia… I wonder where she’ll fit into things.

    Snow’s talk with Jacob was touching too. I wonder what role he will have in the story. I hope he’s a good guy, cos I like him xD It was interesting what he said about Sara, and how Snow thought it made Sara sound worse than she thought she was. I think Sara was worse than Snow thinks, because she was manipulating her too (when she told her she didn’t care if she picked Jackson), but she wasn’t a bad person overall as far as I know, and as Jacob said she did love Snow.

    I liked seeing Sara’s Mum and stepdad. I like how you pointed out the contrast between Sara and Michelle, and how her stepdad wasn’t what Snow expected. But because of that I’m wondering if his niceness in this chapter was an act or something. I’m not sure because it’s not like it’s uncommon for kids to hate their stepdads, so Sara could have just called him a pompous douchebag even if he wasn’t actually one. Although, it did seem kind of suspicious that he would ask Snow to take some of Sara’s stuff. I mean, she’s only been dead for a couple of days, most people would know to wait a little longer O.o

    Commented on: December 19, 2014

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment!!! And no worries about the belatedness, I don’t mind. I’ve been hanging out with horses all week anyway so I haven’t done any writing for this story :3 Thanks for saying such nice things. I don’t think the plot line is that astonishing, though, but I’m glad you like it :)

    I remember thinking when you questioned Carey’s uniqueness: It doesn’t matter cos he’s not going to be there for much longer anyway… :( But, I do have a question: Overall, what did you think of Reagan’s character? He’s probably the character who’s given me the most trouble, with all his conflicting motives. Were you sad when he died? Someone on my fictionpress account said they didn’t care that he died, which made me sad :(

    Thomas’s lessons have been continuing, but there hasn’t been much opportunity for me to mention them recently. But they have still been happening and will be mentioned again soon.

    My spellcheck isn't screaming at me for spelling it curiousity, so I guess it must be an Australian spelling :P Sorry, I forgot to mention that they moved to the dining room to eat. And there’s a peephole on the door to the kitchen. And the fire probably would have spread, you’re right. I always forget things like that. I did try and put more details in about the environment this time, but I’m not very good at it xD

    As for Caleb, he’s never been introduced before, so I’m not sure why you’d feel a sense of déjà vu :P Although he is the reason why I changed the Leader’s gender. Originally Caleb was a woman named Cecily, but I made her have a sex change because I didn’t want people to assume she was going to be like President Coin from the Hunger Games xD But I didn’t want to make her a man originally because then all of the authority figures (the Leader, 805 and Marvin) would all be men, so I changed the Leader to a woman cos her gender doesn't matter and made Caleb a man :P And in hindsight I think he's better as a man anyway.

    Anyway, sorry for the insanely long reply (and I’m not saying that your comment was insanely long, it was a very nice length long). And sorry for rambling xD

    Commented on: December 18, 2014

  • Snowfall

    Lol, perhaps you did mention grief counsellors :P It wouldn't be the first time I've missed something completely ;)

    Commented on: December 15, 2014

  • Snowfall

    Awww Kayla :( I’m really not looking forward to Snow finding out about Ariana, my heart is already suffering too much. I think her feelings are really well portrayed and realistic. It’s heart-breaking how part of her wishes Ariana were already dead, but it seems like something someone in that situation would actually feel. I’d say I hope that some supernatural force will save Ariana again, but I doubt it :/ After all, in the last book Destiny or someone said Ariana’s life was her own now, so unless something new comes up I don’t see her getting saved. I’m gonna be so upset when she dies…


    I have a feeling that Jackson’s going to find out about her and Sara before Snow can tell him :/ Things never work out the way people want, so… I’m sure he will find out that way instead of Snow telling him herself. Unless he is JTG. But I don’t think he is, because they sound like a girl. Especially the text Snow got about Sara, it sounded to me like something a girl would say, so I think they’re probably a girl. But then, maybe they are a man and are just covering it up by posing as a girl xD


    I doubt Mary and Brad are actually going out. I mean when she got POV before it sounded as though no-one had ever been interested in her “in that way” or whatever :P Plus the way Brad spoke of her before it didn’t sound like she was his girlfriend. Still, they’re relationship is intriguing. I wonder how they came to know each other, and what their plan was. I still think they stole from the jewellery store, but I don’t know why on Earth they would have done it xD I guess I’ll just have to wait and find out… And if she did get a message from JTG, I wonder what it was about. Perhaps about Michael, since she didn’t want people to find out about what he’d done to her.


    And that teacher. He was creepy, the way he stared at Snow. I know he stared at other people, but I’m sure he’ll be important somehow. Maybe the people he stopped at were all the other characters involved in whatever the hell is going on here xD Creepy. And I wonder why the old teacher retired… :P


    There was one thing I found odd – I don’t know how American schools work but when a kid died at my high school we had an assembly about it and the kids in his year were all offered grief counselling. I thought it was odd that the school administration itself didn’t seem to have much acknowledgement of her death, as the students just went to class like normal.

    Commented on: December 15, 2014

  • Gifted

    Thanks for commenting! I’m glad that the characters are interesting :)


    Lol, rootling is a word xD It means something similar to rummaging. It’s probably an Australian term or something, that’s happened to me a few times :P Anyway, thanks for the critique! :D

    Commented on: December 12, 2014

  • Cursed

    Well, there really isn’t much I can say about Carey’s use of fire :P It’s probably quite different from what you’re thinking, but that’ll be mentioned in the next chapter. As for 256 believing in 805, that’s the way he is – in situations like this 256 has to see the best in people, no matter what. 805 is no exception xD Besides, as he said 805’s behaviour in Gifted convinced him :P Plus, he has other reasons for wanting 805 and Sam to become best buddies, but those won’t really be mentioned for a while.


    I’m glad Reagan’s death was emotional. I found it easier to write than Marvin’s (not because I didn’t like him, but Reagan’s death is 100% necessary while Marvin’s wasn’t so I knew I couldn't back out of it) but it was still sad for me :( Anyway, his motives and whose side he was one will probably be unclear for a while xD Overall he’s probably the character I struggled with the most when writing, so I hope that overall his arc of the story paid off.


    Lol, Caleb does have some explaining to do regarding the slaughtering of the Gifted.  But, he could still be a nice person. After all, he can’t really control what his rebels do when he’s not there… Or can he? :P
     

    Commented on: December 11, 2014

  • Callie Cameron - Country Chaos

    I really liked the way you described the car chase scene. I’m not an expert or anything but it seemed realistic and was exciting. I like all the detail :)
    Carol’s behaviour as Callie was funny :P I like how Logan thought something was up, I would have been kinda disappointed in him if he hadn’t. The ending with Trevor was interesting too. I guess he must be connected or working for the shadow rider, although it’s not him…
    Also that sign – “Bridge out ahead” doesn’t seem like something they would write on a sign (it’s too colloquial). I think something like “Bridge closed ahead” would be more realistic. I also felt like writing “loooooong” in the narrative is a little strange for a story in third person ^^ I think it would be better to just write long, or say very long to indicate the same thing :P I think it would sound better that way.
    The main grammar problem I’m still noticing is that sometimes you don’t have full stops where they should be. If you have an action and then dialogue, like in this sentence:
    Edith slouched back into her seat “Am I alive?”
    Because the dialogue is a separate sentence, there should be a full stop after seat so it becomes:
    Edith slouched back into her seat. “Am I alive?”
    Sorry if I mentioned this before, by the way. I don’t remember if I did or not xD
     

    Commented on: December 11, 2014

  • Snowfall

    Oooh that was interesting. JTG… At the moment all I’m thinking of is Pretty Little Liars xD To be fair I only ever read the first three books or something, but whoever they are they remind me of A (It was A, right? It’s been ages since I read them and I never watched the show :3). Still, they have to be someone at the school, to know that Clara was talking to Jackson at that moment. Nikki was suspicious in this chapter, but I don’t think it’s her – I don’t see how she could have sent that text to Clara without her noticing, considering they were right next to each other :P So I suspect she’s a red herring, but who really knows… xD


    Anyway, I was definitely surprised about Mary and Brad :P I wonder how they know each other. Obviously they’re up to something, but I believe Brad (and by extension Mary) when he says he wasn’t involved in Sara’s murder. But they are definitely involved in something... ooooOOOhhhh! Maybe they were the ones who broke into the jewellery store! That would explain Brad’s “they don’t know anything! Keep quiet!” or whatever it was from the last chapter. I don’t know what they could have stolen from the jewellery store and what why it’s useful to them, but that’s my theory at the moment :3 Or perhaps just Brad stole the stuff (cos his dialogue seemed to imply that Mary might think he had actually killed Sara, which wouldn’t have happened if they’d been together stealing jewellery) but he stole stuff for her too. Lol, sorry for rambling xD

    Commented on: December 9, 2014

  • Cursed

    Oh no, you’ve deduced my plan to murder you! Damn, it was going so well… xD

    I’ve debated many times whether to make Samantha a POV character or not. I seriously considered making her one in this story, but I decided against it because I thought it would disrupt the gender ratio and because I thought four POVs would be hard to follow when they switch around so often :/ So I decided against it. But, when writing chapters like this I regret my decision xD Although she’d never admit, she really is quite terrified about having to face him. Especially if it’s in a situation where she has to ask for his help instead of yell abuse/kill him :P

    I’m glad the part with Janelle and Reagan was okay. I was worried about the romance stuff, cos I’m not very good at writing it. And lol, I never would have taken that as anything but emotional if you hadn’t said it :P

    As for Janelle’s possible death, I can’t really say anything, can I? :3 I will say this: I’ve been looking forward (in a kind of sad way) to writing the next (possibly two, if it gets too long and I have to split it xD) chapter for a long time. It’s definitely a turning point for his story, anyway.

    Commented on: December 8, 2014

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! When I was writing it I thought it seemed a little disjointed, that’s why I don’t like it that much :/ Plus, I’m not very good at writing romance so I struggled a bit with the part with Janelle and Reagan.

    I must admit I never really thought of why Carey would think of 805 xD I just thought because she actually spoke to him for a bit at the end of Gifted she’d be more inclined to realise it could be him than Janelle would, but I didn’t really think of it beyond that. It doesn't make that much sense but I guess Carey is just expecting the worst xD Anyway, thanks for pointing out, I’ll fix it :P

    I kind of saw Janelle turning her back on John because she was going to run back to the brothel, but then she didn’t get to because of the wall being in the way. But I did describe her as stepping around him like she was walking so I should change it to make her seem less of an idiot. As for the holding the spear further away thing, I never thought of that :P That does make sense. Physics was never my strong point xD

    The Gifted probably would have a different fighting style from the rebels. I guess they do because they (usually) rely more on their powers than their physical fighting skills, but I haven’t thought about it much honestly :/ I think fighting style would really depend on the person, though, more than anything else. I do try and do that by giving the characters different favourite weapons and stuff, mostly because I thought it would be boring if they all used swords all the time xD

    Lol, sensitive, girly boys. That’s a pretty accurate description. At least they aren’t all bishies :P I’m glad you think it appeals to both genders. Personally I like series that mix action, romance, drama, humour, etc. the best so I try to make there something of everything in my story.

    Your sister’s name is Carey????? That’s so cool :P I don’t know any Careys in real life.

    Commented on: December 7, 2014

  • Snowfall

    Ahh, the feels when Ariana was talking about Cooper… :’( :’( Aww. Still, I enjoyed that part. I hope Snow cries soon, Sara’s death obviously hasn’t really hit her yet and I think crying about something like that can be a little therapeutic in a way.  I’m curious what will happen to their group without Sara, though – I think a secrets and stuff are revealed they will drift apart, even if they make friends again later. At the moment, I’m suspicious of Nikki. I bet she’s got some big secret. I’m not going to accuse her of being Sara’s killer though. Yet xD I’ll probably accuse everyone at some point, to be honest :P

    The last part, with Brad…  That was definitely interesting :P I wonder who he’s talking to, and what they want… Creepy. I still don’t think he killed Sara (surely he’s not that dumb to leave his knife there) but I guess he must still be up to something. Plus the way at the end of their conversation, when whoever it was accused him of being insensitive, makes me think their plan or whatever is not directly involved with Sara’s death. Surely they wouldn’t say something like that if they were, they wouldn’t care if it was insensitive or not xD  Buuut I suppose it’s definitely still possible they were involved in some way. Gosh, that was longer than I intended it to be xD

    Something I found strange was when Brad described Sophia as a “lovely blonde woman” when she’s about to arrest him. It seemed odd because of that, even if it’s the truth xD

    Commented on: December 5, 2014

  • Cursed

    Lol, I had to read that first paragraph a few times before I got it xD And you’re not being negative. Sorry for the bad quality of this chapter. And the next one as well, cos I don’t like it :/

    Anyway, I like Carey (why is she a bear? xD) just fine :P It’s Carey that doesn’t like Carey very much.  Same as I don’t really think those things about 256 (I mean, sure he’s a nice guy overall but he just spent a week ignoring her for a pretty pathetic reason :P) but Carey does. As for the other things you pointed out, I’ll fix them (hopefully :P).

    Commented on: December 5, 2014

  • Gifted

    Thanks so much for commenting!!! :D :D :D I’m really glad it was more believable. I tried to make it more subtle and explain more, so I’m glad it worked. I’m also glad you liked the dream (yes, it was new :P). It was something I didn’t even plan to put in, I was just rewriting the chapter and then it happened xD

    Lol, so far nobody has noticed her using that name xD I’m not sure if you remember this but once in one of my comments on your story I mentioned I’d done something similar to you mentioning Snow’s name in a subtle way, this is what I was referring to, although it’s far less subtle :P I figured when coming up with fake names on the spot, people tend to use names of people they know, and  Sam’s not going to use any of the other rebel’s names, so her name is the other choice she had. Carey actually uses her mother’s name as well, although that hasn’t been mentioned otherwise xD

     There actually was a reference to her knife in the original, but it was much more subtle (she asked to borrow Janelle’s knife, even though Janelle notes she’s already got one). But since she doesn’t talk to Janelle first anymore, I had to change it so she uses her own knife.

    And thanks for pointing out that repetition. I don’t know what happened there :P

    Commented on: December 4, 2014

  • Cursed

    Lol, is it weird that I’m happy you’re on edge about this story? xD

    Teenage relationship drama xD I don’t know why, but I cracked up when I read that. That’s a pretty good description of it, to be honest. Anyway, I’m glad that part was okay :P They’re both pretty much clueless about relationships and stuff, so yeah they pretty much have no idea how to handle what happened.

     I’m glad that Carey’s thoughts about her family and Wesley were okay. I feel bad because she’s kind of been a bit in the background for the last few chapters or so, seeing as Janelle and 256 have both had pretty important stuff happening with them. But there are big things coming up for Carey, so I hope it won’t matter that much >.< She really is quite an insecure person, honestly. She tries to act tough to cover it up, but self-esteem definitely isn’t one of her strengths :/ As for Wesley, I can’t say much… :P

    I’m happy that 256’s decision was good too. I thought most people would expect him to say no, but he feels that by going to the Council he’ll be able to decide once and for all whether he really does want to help the rebels or not. There is also another big reason why he wants to go back, but that’s probably not something people will expect :3

    Lol, now I’m imagining what 805’s face would be if he saw someone doing a happy dance about him. I don’t think he’d quite know what to make of it xD

    Commented on: December 1, 2014

  • Snowfall

    Snow :’( I don’t believe she killed Sara, but it was so heart-wrenching to see her consider that. Unless she was being controlled by some supernatural thingy or something, then I could see them using Snow to kill her but she wouldn’t have been herself, so… I don’t think she would have willingly killed Sara. Unless Sara is actually an evil mastermind and revealed her evil plan to Snow while she was drugged or under supernatural stuff and then Snow was forced to kill her to save the world :P But, somehow that seems unlikely ;) I don’t really have much of an idea about who the killer is at the moment. Everyone seems suspicious!

    One thing I thought, would Sophia be questioning Snow? They’re family, so… Wouldn’t there be some thing about not being able to question people you know? I know doctors aren't supposed to treat people they know, so I thought it would be the same. Although, I suppose since they’re in a small town there isn’t much choice so Sophia would have to do it.

    I also thought it was strange that Michael wasn’t a suspect. It was his house so I would have thought that would automatically make him at least need to be questioned, even if there was no evidence he’d actually done it. Although, I suppose he probably was but it wasn’t shown. I feel kind of sorry for Brad xD Obviously he didn’t really do it, although I suppose he might have been involved. I mean, who’s dumb enough to kill someone using their own knife and leaving fingerprints on it? xD Besides, he seemed mysterious and stuff, so I think he has some other secret but I don’t see why he’d kill Sara.

    Commented on: November 27, 2014

  • Jeremiah: War of the Black Horse Masters

    Sorry for taking longer that I said to get to this! Anyway, onto my comment.

    This was a really entertaining read. I can definitely tell how much thought and effort you’ve put into creating the world and it’s really a pleasure to read about it.

    I love your details, especially Jeremiah’s thought processes (like when he was hunting the deer, I liked how you described what he was doing and how he did it). They just add that extra level to the story, I feel, and it shows that you’ve put thought into it and know what you’re talking about. I also like the details about Bravo (like, him only cantering because of the heavy deer on his back). It was good later on as well, when Jeremiah was alternating between riding him and giving him a rest. I find a lot of horses in stories are portrayed as being able to run endlessly without getting tired, so I was happy to see you paid attention to that detail.

    The main complaint I have is that this chapter was very long. Maybe I just have a short attention span (that's likely :P) but a lot was going on and I feel like I probably didn’t absorb it all as well as I should have. It probably doesn’t help that it’s really late at night as I’m writing this xD But there were a lot of characters and places mentioned, and I feel it would be easier to remember them all if it was split up a little. The other complaint I have is the lack of girl characters (I don’t know why, it just kind of stood out to me. I guess cos I'm a girl :P) but obviously this is the first chapter and there could very well be more later.

     I think the summary could use some simplifying as well – when I read it most of the names didn’t mean much to me, so it kind of went over my head. It’s not that important as it’s just a summary, but I think simplifying it a little for the idiots like me might help attract more readers. For example, it probably isn’t necessary to list all the civilisations by name, since they’ll come up in the story.

    There were a few grammar/spelling errors, but they weren’t that big a deal. I think you’ll probably be able to fix them easily if you edit at some point.

    Anyway, overall this was a great read! I look forward to the next chapter! :D

    Commented on: November 24, 2014

  • Rise of Decay

    I really liked your descriptions in this chapter. They were nicely detailed and created a very clear picture. Ocassionally sometimes things you write seem a little redundant, because they are already obvious – for example, when you said: “and then the voice went silent.” That was already clear. But that’s just me nitpicking xD

    Anyway, this chapter had lots of interesting developments. I really liked Zet ‘Thurr, he definitely wasn’t what I expected at all. Anyway, if the next chapter’s from his point of view it’s bound to be interesting ;)

    The demon woman was intriguing, too – I wonder if she’s connected to the woman in the last chapter, or perhaps she had some role in his death. I don’t have much of an idea at the moment, so I’m excited to read on :3

    Commented on: November 23, 2014

  • Snowfall

    Nooo, Sara! I was expecting it but still :( That whole scene was really well written and horrible. Even though I didn’t really like Sara that much (especially after what you told me after the last chapter) it was still very tragic. It was so suspenseful when Snow woke, up, because I knew someone (probably Sara) was going to be dead and then… I felt so sorry for Snow as well. Her Mum’s dying, her girlfriend/best friend is dead… The next chapter is going to be one big load of feels :(

    It looks like Sara drugged Snow, but… I’m sure she probably did it to protect her or something. I mean, she seemed way too nervous after not to have. But then, she is pretty cunning, so perhaps her being nervous means she didn’t do it xD

    Now, onto some theories… After this chapter, Steven seems a likely culprit. He’s too smooth. In fact, he’s almost too likely so maybe not (I’m just gonna end up saying that about everyone, aren’t I? xD). Even though Michael continues to behave suspiciously I still don’t believe it was him. I mean, he doesn’t strike me as the sharpest tool in the shed but I don’t think he’d be stupid enough to kill a girl in his own house, since he’s probably going to be a suspect because of that anyway. I do think he has a role, somehow, but… I don’t think he killed her.

    Anyway, the scene with Kayla and Ariana also tugged at the heartstrings. So I was right… But that doesn’t make me happy :( Poor Ariana. I think she’ll cope, though. She’s strong. Kayla I’m probably more worried about, actually. I don’t think she’ll cope well at all with Ariana’s illness.

    And I think I understand why the wording of what I said before is funny – is it because this chapter is called “That Night?” :P

    Commented on: November 23, 2014

  • Snowfall

    I was glad to see Snow feeling more guilty in this chapter. I feel much more sympathy for her now, while when I read the last chapter I didn’t really feel sorry for her at all. Her guilt almost seemed too sudden after the last chapter, but I see you’ve been doing lots of editing so I think that’s probably because I’ve been caught between edits :P

    Ahem, sorry for complaining again (I’m still gonna say that, cos I feel bad) but in this chapter it was Clara and Nicki I was confused by. They both seemed pretty excited about Sara and Snow, which makes sense since they’ve known they are in love and stuff, but Jackson is their friend too, isn’t he? Surely at least one of them would express disapproval, even if it was only a little bit. Still, that part was kind of funny :P It didn’t take long for them to stuff up and reveal themselves, that’s for sure. Sara isn’t very stealthy xD

    Speaking of Sara, I’m getting more worried for her… I wonder who she was talking to, and what she’s planning.  I know she’s probably doing something good, but I’m sure things aren’t going to end well for her. I felt sorry for Snow as well, seeing as Sara is hiding it from her. I wonder how Snow will react if Sara gets killed. It makes me sad to think of it :(

    Nooooo, I’m almost certain about Ariana now. I mean, it seemed like maybe they were going to break up, but I don’t see that happening. Illness is more likely, I think. You're making my heart break :(

    Commented on: November 18, 2014

  • Whispers of Nowhere

    This chapter was very interesting. I like Forneus and Phenex’s characters, and how they differ. I think you’ve done a good job at showing that. I wonder why Phenex dislikes humans so much. I’m sure there’s a reason for it, like perhaps humans killed someone he loved or something like that or treated him badly for some reason. Anyway, there was a lot of things to be curious about in this chapter, about Gwen’s role as a guardian of the artifacts in particular. I’m looking forward to the next one!

    Haha, I’m beginning to see what you mean when you said on your comment for my story that there were things I’d written that reminded you of events in your own writing. I’m getting that feeling now xD We must have similar thoughts :P

    At the beginning – I find it strange that Gwen calls what she’s coughing up bile. She would only throw up bile if she’s already emptied her stomach, so… Unless her stomach was empty (which it wouldn’t be if she’d just started retching), she’d be throwing up vomit first. Sorry about that, I’m a bit of a biology geek.

    In this chapter (and the others, but mostly this one) I felt like you were referring to the characters by their descriptions too much (the teen, human firebird, the daemon, auburn-haired man, etc). I’ve noticed a lot of writers on sites like this tend to do this. But most published books I’ve read don’t do it, they mostly refer to the characters by name or by he/she/etc, and I think it really does make the writing smoother. I know it can seem repetitive when you’re reading over your stuff and they're referred to by name a lot, I used to use their descriptions a lot as well but I’m trying to phase it out of my writing. It’s because I realised that when I’m reading stories I honestly don’t notice it if the names keep getting repeated even when two people of the same gender are talking, and I don’t think many other people do either. I find it more natural that way as well, but of course that’s my opinion :)

    Commented on: November 18, 2014

  • Rise of Decay

    I like the banter between the main character and the God or whatever it is :P I think it’s a very unique way to tell the story, and entertaining. Anyway, I enjoyed this chapter. I like hearing about Char. And the woman, she was very interesting…  Her sudden change in emotion was a bit confusing though. She seemed pretty confident, but then she suddenly broke down in tears which I thought was a bit random.

    Also, something I noticed in this chapter is that you seemed to switch between past tense and present tense a couple of times when he was telling the story. I think it’s better to stick to one or the other.

    Here’s some typos and wording mistakes I found:

    “That guy were referring to is Char, and I met on my travels across the Meridian Sea." This should be something like: “that guy we’re referring to is Char, whom I met on my travels across the Meridian sea.”

    “shield on his back that I've never seen before” I’d instead of I’ve

    “the best to describe it would be…” should be: “the best way to describe it would be

    Commented on: November 17, 2014

  • A Different Child

    This was a sweet chapter. I liked the information about how Caiden ended up with cat ears and a tail. I hope the main character does tell Caiden about it eventually, though. I mean, it is his business, after all. But I can see why he’d want to hide it from Caiden so I think it’s realistic.

    One thing I thought was odd, was when the social worker or whatever was telling him that Caiden would be adopted by his parents if he was younger than he is. Since he’s older, I don’t see why the social worker would bother to mention it as it’s not relevant. Instead you could just say something like, “since you’re twenty you’re old enough to adopt him yourself” without going into much detail.

    I also found it odd when one of the reasons his parents gave for him being a good guardian for Caiden was because he was adorable. That just seemed like a strange thing to say given the context, but it might just be me.

    Commented on: November 17, 2014

  • Storimhaib

    Aaaannnd Gakk appears again. I’m really curious about what his role will be. All those weird vibes Joy keeps getting makes me wary of him. Maybe he’s the storimhaib, and he’s secretly Alan’s brother/cousin and his grandma got them mixed up xD Or he could just be the storimhaib and be unrelated to Alan. I bet he’s going to sneak away with them when they go to wherever they need to go on their mission. Still, he’s definitely magical or something like that, for him to be able to know where Joy was going and get into the bookcase or whatever unnoticed. Unless he’s just been following them all the time, which is pretty creepy, but then how would he get in the library and the house they’ve been staying in unnoticed? I suppose he’s pretty stealthy, but… Hmm, something doesn’t seem right.

    Still, the journal was also super interesting. That was probably my favourite part xD I thought it was really cool how they actually live in the future, on these mysterious islands. I wonder what they needed a psychologist for. And how that dude reacted when he found out the islands were real xD Still, it makes me more curious about Gakk, seeing as he just happened to give her the book with this cool info in it. I’m definitely very excited to find out more, as you can probably tell from all the incessant rambling xD

    There wasn’t much I found wrong with this chapter, aside from some typos and stuff. There was one thing, and this is really nerdy of me, I’m sorry xD It’s probably okay to leave it since Joy might not know better, but I couldn’t resist pointing it out: At one point you referred to Kalae’s rabbit as a “dog-sized rodent”. Rabbits are not rodents, they’re lagomorphs.

    Anyway, here are the typos and stuff I found:

    “ and feel asleep right away.” I think it should be fell

    “Is Quatix the Queen's ancestor who his the magic”

    “I though girls don't care about boys”

    And, as usual feel free to ask questions. I was so excited about my theories about the world and Gakk that I probably forgot something xD

    Commented on: November 17, 2014

  • Cursed

    I wouldn’t say there’s necessarily anything else that went on with Janelle and Alex. Sorry if that’s a spoiler, but… yeah. It’s just that, Alex himself is told from a very biased point of view. I’m not saying he’s an amazing person, because what he did was very cruel, but he’s not a monster either. He was very young himself, and when he got in too deep (oh, that pun xD) he got scared and bowed out when he should have taken responsibility. I think he did feel remorse for what he did (hence why he gave Janelle the money that time) but he was very much in denial about it. Who knows? Perhaps, as he saw his daughter grow up from afar he might have changed his mind about the whole thing, or perhaps he would have remained in denial forever. But seeing as she was taken away the opportunity never really arose. Sorry for the rambling, by the way.  

    As for Janelle, yeah. Because of what happened with Alex she doesn’t have a lot of confidence about relationships, and the fact that Reagan is so secretive really doesn’t help :(

    And you’re not nitpicking lol. I was worried about that myself, honestly. It is supposed to be a spur of the moment decision for him, but I when I read over it I thought, I’m not sure if he’s really ready for it yet... Still, I’d hardly say he’s a card-carrying rebel now, and when he calms down a bit he does feel a bit of remorse, so I hope his decision will seem less sudden as the story goes on. Kissing Carey just sent him over the edge, I think xD These feelings have been building up in him, even if he didn’t really admit it before (like, how he’s been really happy to learn how to read/write even though that’s forbidden too). So once kisses her, something he never ever thought he’d have the courage to do, something just snaps inside him xD But, I think I definitely need to work on that, because as I said it did bother me when I wrote it.

    And you should be worried… *evil laughter*

    Commented on: November 16, 2014

  • Snowfall

    I really hope you’re not a psychic and I don’t really have to wait for thirteen years for GRRM to finish the A Song of Ice and Fire series :P Although I suppose it’s a very real possibility, isn’t it xD

    There were a few things I found odd. Firstly, I didn’t really understand why Sara and Snow would have sex… I mean, I know they love each other and stuff and are super attracted to each other, but they’re only sixteen, and (presumably) virgins. Plus, Sara seemed pretty awkward about her feelings when she was telling her so it seemed strange to me that they’d have sex straight away in their relationship. I mean, Kayla and Ariana’s relationship moved quickly, but then that fit the way they fell in love, while Snow and Sara have known each other for a long time so they don’t really have that whirlwind romance feeling that Kayla and Ariana had. But you’d know better than me :P I’m probably just prude.

    I also felt that Snow wasn’t showing the guilt that a normal person would. Especially if she’s supposed to be a kind person, I’d expect her to be A LOT more guilty. Like later, when she was cuddling up to Sara – if I were her I’d be staying far away, no matter how much I wanted to. I know Snow’s not me, but she showed more guilt before she cheated on him than after it happened which seems weird. It seemed to me that she didn’t care about Jackson and his feelings much at all, just that she herself would suffer from losing him. And, I never got the feeling that she was that type of person, so it seemed strange to me. I did feel like she was in denial about the full weight what she’d done, but I think making her show a little more guilt wouldn’t hurt. It would make her a bit more sympathetic, because at the moment I must say I’m having a hard time feeling sorry for her and her dilemma. But then, I usually feel that way about love triangles no matter what so I’m not exactly an unbiased observer xD Sorry for all the complaining and ranting, by the way  O.o I’ll move on.

    Haha, it was funny when Ariana was just like “you slept with Sara”. That would definitely make for an awkward family breakfast xD She still seems kind of sad, though. Nooooo don’t be dying Ariana! I hope I’m wrong :(

    The tale about the serial killer was interesting too. Even though it happened long ago, I’m sure it will be relevant… I’m not sure how though :P I think the killer was a supernatural entity of some sort so maybe it will come back at some point… I don’t think they’ll be the killer, though. I think that will be a human being, even though no one’s actually died yet so it’ll be a while before I can start guessing who did it xD And this party sounds ominous. I think someone’s not going to make it out of that night alive… >.<

    Commented on: November 15, 2014

  • Rise of Decay

    Sorry for taking longer than I said before to get to this, I’ve been busier than I thought xD Anyway, this was really intriguing. I was surprised the main character died. When I read the first paragraph and got to the end I was like, “woah. Was not expecting that!” Anyway, it’s interesting. I wonder who killed him, and why. Anyway, overall I think this was a good start. The ending where he was talking to the voice was great. Kind of creepy, too, when he/she was saying how they ran the world and everything :P Anyway, I’m definitely interested to read more! :)  

    There were a few things I thought could be improved. But they are only my opinion and therefore feel free to ignore me xD I think it would be more intriguing if you left out the stuff at the beginning saying that the italics were the voice of a God. It’s obvious it’s some unknown entity, so if you left that out the reader could come to the conclusion that they’re some sort of God themselves, you know?

    Just some nitpicking of mine, but one of my pet peeves in stories is when words are capitalised to show someone is shouting. I don’t know, I just find it a bit unprofessional. I think an exclamation mark and appropriate dialogue tags are enough. The other thing I thought should be included is the main character’s name. Your author’s note says his name is the same as yours, but I still think it should be mentioned in the actual story somewhere :)

    Commented on: November 15, 2014

  • A Different Child

    This was an intriguing start. I liked how the main character (I can’t spell his name :P) and his parents accepted Caiden without much drama. I feel like most stories would have gone down that route so that makes yours unique!

    One formatting problem I noticed is that there’s no need to put quotation marks around his thoughts. You can just write the words in italics and leave them out. I also felt like the transition between when the main character finds Caiden and when he’s explaining his mission was a little confusing. It felt like an info dump, so I think it would be better if you could incorporate it into the story (where they’re actually talking and doing stuff) instead of having it as a random sequence in between the two parts about him and Caiden. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense, by the way. I’m not very good at explaining stuff. I also think you should put neko in italics, since it’s a foreign word, and perhaps include a definition at the start or end of the story because not all of your readers will be familiar with the Japanese language and know what it means.

    Anyway, besides my griping I did find that sequence interesting. I’m not really a religious person or anything so reading a story where the main character is on a mission from the Lord is a new experience for me. I wonder, if he says his mission is to help the dead children, is Caiden dead? He seems pretty alive, but maybe he’s actually a ghost. Anyway, there’s a lot to be curious about!

    Commented on: November 15, 2014

  • Cursed

    And I forgot. 256 does have a name, the one his parents came him. That's the one that starts with a G, so if the rebels were to give him a name it would be different. The other main Gifted have names too, although theirs will never be revealed cos they're either dead or don't care to find out. xD I had fun picking them. I tried to pick the names that suited them the least, except for 256's xD Sorry for rambling again.

    Commented on: November 15, 2014

  • Cursed

    The thing with a village was a mistake, it should be either from the village or back to the brothel :P Thanks for pointing that out. Haha, I made her say handsome because I thought it would be funny. It’s supposed to be another awkward thing she says, because she’s talking about Alex at first but then switches to talking about herself without thinking it over :P I’m glad you like the awkwardness and stuttering and stuff, I’m always worried people will get annoyed by that xD I’m glad it’s relatable, I find it relatable too. And thanks for pointing out those other errors too. I’ve been really lazy with editing lately, I’m like five chapters behind lol.

    I always laugh at romantic moments in books and movies so I can’t blame you for that xD Especially in 256 and Carey’s part, because I wanted it to seem awkward to highlight 256’s inexperience.

    The gust of wind thing was something I changed at the last minute. I wrote that part where he is cutting his hair and stuff first and originally that scene occurred in the backroom of the brothel (where Reagan and Janelle were, except at a different time obviously :P). So he just threw his hair into the fireplace before burning the uniform himself. But then I changed it to his room when I wrote the part with Carey, and I only noticed I’d still left in the fireplace when I’d finished writing the chapter and it would be weird for him to have one in his room xD So yeah, I didn’t think that one through very well.

    And I am building up to something…. *evil laughter* The reason these chapters have been long is because there’s this event that I’ve been planning for a long time, and I’ve pushed it back a lot already so I don’t want to push it back any more in terms of chapter numbers, and the chapters have lengthened as a result. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense.

    My favourite part to write was probably the last part. I was like “my baby is growing up! I’m so proud!” xD But yeah, I’m glad it seemed sudden yet realistic because it was very much a spur of the moment decision for him.

    And sorry for all the rambling xD

    Commented on: November 15, 2014

  • Storimhaib

    Lol, I know nothing about the different religions so I wouldn’t pay that much attention to me not knowing that it was because of them hating magic haha :P I can’t account for the religious people, but as an atheist I have never felt offended or anything by the story. I haven’t thought, “OMG, he’s writing about religion! BLASPHEMY!!!!!!”  I think it’s good that you included it, because as you say it’s an important part of different cultures and stuff.

    Sorry if I don’t get the satire and stuff all the time, by the way xD I’m one of those people who will read a satirical article and think it’s real until someone’s like, “No, you idiot. It’s a joke!”

    Commented on: November 14, 2014

  • Snowfall

    The beginning was interesting. I felt really sorry for Clara. I hope she at least confesses to someone what she did, even if she never turns herself into the police or whatever. Maybe if she tells Jacob himself or something, that could help. Still, it’s upsetting how she’s felt the need to change herself to fit in. But it seemed realistic, I certainly know a lot of people who've done that O.o The bit with Mary and Sara was sad too - I was thinking: "Nooo.... Go to the hospital, girl. Get that dude put in jail". But it was realistic that she didn't, because of the trauma and everything. I want to give her a hug :(

    I’m not sure why, but I don’t really like Sara that much compared to the others. She just… I honestly can’t explain it xD  I don’t dislike her, but I just get this vibe. I guess I’m like Clara, I just feel I can’t trust her somehow.

    I’m kind of confused about Snow’s dilemma with Sara. She keeps saying that she doesn’t want to admit her feelings or whatever, but it seems to me that she does know. Maybe she hasn’t told anyone, but she’s certainly admitted them to herself. Still, poor Jackson. I want to hug him, cos I know he’s either going to get dumped or cheated on. Or both. This is why I don’t like love triangles lol. I always just end up pitying the third wheel.

    Oh no, I bet something’s wrong with Ariana. Is that the thing? She was talking about how short life is and stuff, and her regrets... And she was telling Snow that she loved her. That’s classic terminal disease stuff. Nooooo, I’m really sad now :’( :’( :’(

    Commented on: November 14, 2014

  • Storimhaib

    I wonder what the Queen wants the storimhaib for. Maybe she feels her influence over her people is fading, so she wants to use it to control them or whatever like her great-great-great grandmother did. That’s what my theory is at the moment.

    Ooohhh so Alan’s grandma calls him storimhaib. Maybe she’s secretly a magic person, and he inherited their powers. So when they find the storimhaib, he will be the only one able to use it or something. Or maybe he is actually the storimhaib! And they’ll go searching all over the world, and then Joy or someone will be like, “Alan, it’s you!” xD Still, I bet they’re not going to do research even if there is only two of them. I’m excited to see what happens as they sail off or whatever to find it.

    I liked Kalae :P She reminded me of Riza Hawkeye from FMA. I don’t really know why, as they don’t act alike. Maybe because she’s a female soldier, and seems badass. I liked her and the taxi driver’s feud, it was very entertaining xD I wonder if she’ll warm up to them. I bet she will. That will be heart-warming if it happens. I can imagine it now, she’ll save their life or something, and then they’ll be like, “So you do care about us!” and she’ll be like “Nooooo. I don’t!” But they’ll all know she’s lying. Gosh, I’m sorry about that. I don’t know what’s wrong with me today xD

    This is just me and my ignorance but I didn’t really get this. “There were a lot of murmurs among the guests. A lot of Berkozans were Catholic.” Why does them being Catholic mean they are murmuring?

    This is picky, but would Joy’s coat fit Alan? I mean, I’m not sure how tall they are (I can’t remember if you mentioned it), but boys are usually taller so wouldn’t it be a bit small? Although I suppose if he doesn’t button it up it would be okay. Lol, sorry for rambling.

    And this is even more picky. They must really hate horses in Berkoz to have a small, brown horse pulling the taxi that can carry a decent number of people :P They should have a big, strong horse pulling it, especially if it is actually a car and made of metal. In fact, they should probably have multiple horses. Unless the horse is a magic horse, which is possible xD

    Also, I forgot to mention this in my comment for the last chapter, but thanks for putting a pronunciation guide up :)

    Commented on: November 14, 2014

  • Whispers of Nowhere

    Wow, this was great! I love how you’ve introduced your characters. I can clearly see how different they are. I think Gwen’s reaction to everything that was happening was great, too. You’ve definitely captured my interest! I like the contrast between Forneus and Phenex. There’s a lot to be curious about – I wonder what the significance of those artifacts is, and who they were talking about at the end.

    Once again I really have to praise your descriptions. I can only wish I’ll ever be as good at you!  It’s really easy to picture your story, and it’s so vivid and wonderfully described.

    One thing I found odd about the formatting – I didn’t really see the point of having a break after Forneus appeared. It’s not like a separate chapter, and there’s no time skip, so it seemed a bit pointless in my mind to have a gap there. But, I’m sure you have your reasons for it! ^^

    I’m sorry for repeating myself, but I still get the feeling that a lot of the sentences are too long. I don’t know, and feel free to ignore me, but I really feel like the story would flow better if they were a bit shorter >.< I mean, some of them take up nearly an entire paragraph by themselves and could easily be split up a bit. I won’t complain about it anymore though.

    Commented on: November 14, 2014

  • Gifted

    Thanks for reading, I hope you continue to enjoy the story. If you'd like, I can read one of your stories in return. Let me know which one you'd like! :)

    Commented on: November 13, 2014

  • Gifted

    Thanks for the comments! I’m glad you found these chapters interesting ^^ I’m also really happy you liked my descriptions, as they definitely aren’t my strong point.

     Haha, Carey’s resistance was pretty juvenile. I know plenty of eighteen year olds who are more childish than that though xD  I think maturity really does depend on the person, to be honest :P

    Thanks again! :D

    Commented on: November 13, 2014

  • Whispers of Nowhere

    Hey, sorry for taking so long to get to this! Anyway, it was definitely very interesting. I wonder who the girl is, and why he was watching her or whatever. I suppose she’s probably the protagonist mentioned in the summary, but there’s still a lot to be curious about. Anyway, overall it was a good introduction to the story in only a small amount of words, so well done :)

    Your writing style is good. Your descriptions are great, very vivid and captivating. At times it seemed a little repetitive though, especially at the beginning.

    There was also a recurring problem I noticed – most of your sentences are very long and wordy. You’ve got about four commas in some of them when they’re really unnecessary, and it disrupts the flow of the story a bit. I’m very guilty of overly long sentences so this is very hypocritical of me, but I think you should break some of them up. But that’s just my opinion so feel free to ignore it!

    There were a few errors I noticed as well:

    “He had just finishing his hourly log,” finished instead of finishing

    “a rush of air ghosting passed his lips” Past instead of passed. I had to read this phrase a few times to make sense of it – I’m still not really sure what it means, to be honest. It seems a strange choice of words.

    Commented on: November 12, 2014

  • Cursed

    Yes, 256 is left-handed. I am too, actually! :) I've always written him that way, so he uses the southpaw stance when he's fighting and favours his left arm. But I wouldn't expect anyone to notice those minor details :P It makes it easier for me, because he's the one who does the most hand to hand fighting so I can imagine and write it much easier than when I write about the other characters fighting xD

    I'm glad what Thomas did to teach him seemed okay. I'll admit I remember almost nothing about learning to write (expect that I used to struggle to figure out how to write the letters because all of the teachers were right-handed) so I wasn't really sure what to make him do at first xD It took me nearly an hour to figure out that he would probably start with the alphabet :P I think it really is very easy to take learning to read/write for granted in first world countries - here almost everyone knows how to do it from a young age, so it's hard to see how much of a difference it can make for someone. It definitely opens up a lot of doors for him.

    Commented on: November 12, 2014

  • Cursed

    Oh no, you’ve figured it all out. I might as well stop writing the story now :P

    I’m not really sure how it works, all I know is that I fell down the stairs after bashing into someone like that once :P I don't really know how it happened, to be honest. Lol, sorry about the constant “I mean”. It’s a verbal tic of mine, so I always put it into dialogue without thinking xD I should probably be more careful with stuff like that…

    Haha, a love letter xD That’s totally been 256’s secret plan all along. Anyway, I’m glad that the thing with him learning to read was okay. I was trying to remember when I learnt to read/write, but my memories are very fuzzy, so... The only thing I remember is how I often wrote my letters backwards because I’m also left-handed and my teachers were not :P Or maybe that was just me. Anyway, apart from that I made most of it up, and I wasn’t sure if that’s what someone would actually do to teach someone.

    As for Hahana’s name, I wanted her and Maui to have foreign-sounding names so I googled “Maori names” (because I really like that language) and then picked ones I liked. I didn’t intentionally pick it to sound like “ha ha ha” :P Anyway, that’s why Zeia is called Zeia, as a small nod to New Zealand. Although it’s nothing like New Zealand, because last time I checked they are certainly not a desert country lol. That’s more like Australia xD

    Lol, you don’t talk too much xD I do have a question: Do you think I should split this chapter into two? When I was writing it I kind of felt like there was too much crammed into it, but… I don’t want to push stuff back any further, so I kept it as one. Should I change it or is it okay?

    Commented on: November 11, 2014

  • Snowfall

    I'm slightly brain dead at the moment but I'll do my best to write a coherent comment xD

    Gosh, that was horrible. Poor Mary :( Michael is just… Ugh, words cannot describe how creepy he is. I hope he gets what he deserves at some point. And Emily too. Although her words did make me curious, when she as saying stuff like “you don’t understand” to Sara. I mean, it’s no excuse for what she did but I am wondering what’s going on. Anyway, that part of the chapter was definitely written well - it was horrifying and creepy and nerve wracking when Sara was recording and stuff.

    The last few lines made me nervous for Sara as well. I was like: “Oh Sara, don’t tempt fate…” Although I still think she will be the one to die, I doubt Michael will do it after he’s said that. He’s a creep, that he most certainly proved in this chapter, but if Sara dies he’s far too obvious a choice for the killer. Although I have no doubt he’ll be involved somehow. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see though… xD

    Anyway, I liked Snow’s part at the beginning as well. There were more mood whiplashes in this chapter, that's for sure :P It’s nice to see Alana and Sophia again. Now I see why Sophia will have a role in this story, since she’s a detective xD One thing I thought was odd – wouldn’t Sophia have kept her old last name? I mean, she was pretty old when she was orphaned, so… I feel like if I were in her position, I would have kept my old last name. But that’s probably just me.

    Commented on: November 6, 2014

  • Storimhaib

    Yay, I finally have time to read this :D This chapter was definitely the best so far. There was a lot of stuff to be curious about - I wonder why the Queen wants them to steal magic, and why she chose people who don’t like her and the way she rules the country to do it. I suppose she must have her reasons :P The ending as definitely very interesting though - she's definitely a cunning one, that Queen. I’m excited for the next chapter to see what happens.

    Gakk is interesting too – I wonder if he’ll follow Joy or something and sneak onto a ship or whatever with them when they go off to find magic if they go on a ship. I feel kind of wary about him – I’m not sure why, I just get a strange vibe from him. Especially when he was slashing the knife around, that made me nervous for some reason. But I'm probably being overly suspicious. But then Joy said she thought he was a bit "off" so maybe I'm not xD

    I also liked Joy and Alan’s meeting too – I laughed when she said: "You just looked like such an interesting person, I had to come over and say hi.” I don’t know why I just found that funny :P Still, I’m glad they made friends and stuff. I wonder what will happen in the future. I did find it strange when the Queen was like: “Aww you two are so cute together”. That sounds like something a thirteen year old girl would say lol, not a woman in her thirties :P I think she’d be more subtle, like maybe give them a pointed look or something. But then, I’m not over thirty so I wouldn’t know.

    Your descriptions in this chapter were very good, especially of all the different foods and of the castle as well. Although sometimes I found the sentences to be a little short and a little repetitive, as you were using the same thing to describe the first part of sentences, like here: “No buildings or anything. No snow though.” But overall they were really good.

    I was also a little confused when Joy was talking about her future: “Either I would be a silly competitive woman who always tried to prove my superiority over men, or someone who just sat there and didn't interact with any guys.” I was kind of confused that she thought those were her only two options. I mean, surely most of the people in Berkoz don’t act like the people on the mountain were acting. People have parents and stuff, so boys and girls must get along sometimes. I don’t know why, that part just confused me.  I don’t think I really got the significance of that scene. But I’m kind of braindead at the moment so that’s probably why :P

    Commented on: November 6, 2014

  • Gifted

    Thanks so much for the comments! And you don’t have to worry about discouraging me. I’m a big girl, I can take it :P Thanks for pointing out those things. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the story :) I'll try and read a story of yours in return, although i have exams right now so it probably won't be for at least a week.

    Commented on: October 30, 2014

  • Storimhaib

    Hmmm… It’s hard to say when I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, but I suppose you should put the history where it makes sense to put it – I don’t think you need to put it right from the beginning or anything, but if you put little bits here and there then the flow would be spared :P But, as I said it’s hard to judge at this point. Anyway I’d definitely be interested to read about it.

    I guess stuff about the pronunciation would be good, but I don’t think it’s necessary to put translations, especially when the character doesn’t understand. Cos even if Alan or someone can’t speak it, he’d probably know what it sounded like or whatever. I liked how you’ve done it so far, where some sentences were translated (like with Joy’s bit) but then not the parts in Alan’s because he didn’t understand. But, even if I don’t understand it could be useful to know how to pronounce it so I can imagine what the characters sound like and stuff.

    Commented on: October 25, 2014

  • Storimhaib

    Sorry for taking ages to read this O.o And I’m sorry if this comment is really confusing or something, I’m tired xD

    Anyway, I really liked this chapter. The beginning was really interesting, and revealed quite a lot about Alan. It’s kind of sad how he’s confused by his purpose in life and stuff. I liked it because it seemed realistic that someone his age would be confused about that kind of stuff. Hopefully the mission or whatever will help him. I also found it interesting because I’ve never been to a church in my life, so it was interesting to see what it’s like. Although I suppose a Berkozan (is that right?) church would be different from a real life one.  

    I wonder what it was that made them choose Joy and Alan and (presumably) others. I mean, it said they were recommended by people and stuff, but there must be something that connects them. Maybe it’s the fact they both have feelings of rebellion and dislike the Queen, but then it would be strange for her to pick them for that reason :P Unless she’s secretly a rebel herself. Anyway, I’m really excited to see what she’s like and if there are any other people chosen. The letter said there was a “handful” chosen, so  think there will be more than the two of them.

    I felt the thing with the letter in Alan's part was a little random. At first I thought I’d somehow missed a big scene where he was given the letter, and I went to check the beginning and the last chapter too, but there was nothing. I think there should be a scene where he gets given it or something instead of just him remembering he had it. I know Joy got one too so that’s likely what happened to him, but still, when I read that part before I got to hers I was really confused xD Also, why would the Queen entrust her male servant who hates her to write an important letter? Wouldn’t she get someone she knew and trusted? I did find that funny though :P When I read it I was going to complain that the Queen would never write a letter like that and then the soldier guy was like “the servant wrote it” :P Heheheh.

    This is really picky, but if Alan was couldn’t understand the Rúsdkotl that Father Aenig was speaking, then how was he able to accurately hear the words he was using? When I hear a language I don’t understand I know I can’t hear the words that well, it all just blends into one :P But, as I said that’s really picky of me so it’s probably not worth changing or anything.

    Here are some strange things I found:

    “I hesitating, hoping”.

    “What made you think that?" I don’t know if this is just me but given the context of the conversation I think “what makes you think that?” would be better.

    “thinking about what my purpose was in life.” This seemed a little awkward to me, I think it would sound better if it was something like “wondering what my purpose was in life”. But that might just be me and my weirdness.

    And feel free to ask questions and stuff. I always forget to say that :P

    Commented on: October 24, 2014

  • Snowfall

    This was a very interesting chapter. Michael seems very creepy, and I wonder what Sara’s plan is… I’m sure it will go wrong, but still. It’s all very intriguing. Anyway, I’m certain that some interesting things will be happening at this party :P

    Perhaps it’s just her low self-esteem or something, but Mary doesn’t sound like the sort of person who’d fade away (judging by her appearance). I mean, black hair and grey eyes… That’s quite a striking combination, especially since black hair really isn’t all that common for Caucasian people (I’m assuming she’s Caucasian :P). Anyway, even if she’s short and stocky or plain looking you’d think that would make her stand out just a little bit :P Or maybe I just really like that combination lol.

    Anyway, overall I liked Mary. I liked her more than Sara, cos I thought she seemed a little arrogant at times. Not that I didn’t like her, I just liked Mary more :P And I felt sorry for her (Sara). Although, I was a little confused about her family’s situation. I mean, she said she hated her mum and stepdad and that her house was full of misery, but what about her brother? She seemed to like him, so her family life can’t be 100% miserable. I was kind of confused about that :P

    After the last part, I think Sara’s probably going to be the one to be murdered. After all, she’s obviously poking into things, that’s a pretty dangerous thing to do… I think Mary is also a possibility, but at the moment my bet’s on Sara.

    By the way, I might be wrong, but wasn’t one of Kayla’s friends called Nikki as well?

    Commented on: October 16, 2014

  • Storimhaib

    Overall, I really enjoyed this. The characters are interesting, although we don’t know much about them yet. I wonder how Alan/Max and Joy are going to meet (if they do. I’m assuming they do :P). I’m really curious about what Joy was doing stealing weapons or whatever. And when she said she’d done it before, that was interesting. Plus she seems to have rebellious views, since she doesn’t hate boys and instead gives them bread when they’re starving. Anyway, I’m excited to learn more and about them, and the world. I really liked the description in this chapter, and the small sprinkles of information about Berkoz when Alan was in the classroom. I wonder who those people were that made everyone speak English… xD

    I thought it was funny when Alan said that most of the kids only know swear words of the Berkozan language. And it’s realistic, too, the sort of thing I can imagine really happening in that situation lol. It’s kind of sad that their language is becoming more unknown, but that’s realistic too in conquered nations or whatever, if that's what they are.

    I also thought it was kind of cool (well, not cool for Alan and the other guys, but you know what I mean) that in their society males are the ones who are looked down upon, even though traditionally it’s females who are the more powerless ones or whatever. I wonder if in the rest of the world sees men as more powerful, or whether they are more equal. I think it would be interesting if they saw men as more powerful, to see what the characters would think if they went there.

    One thing that confused me, was when Alan said: “Another wave of nausea swept over me.” He hadn’t mentioned feeling nauseous before, only yawning and nearly falling asleep, so I don’t know where the other waves of nausea were :P

    Also, why didn’t anyone try and stop him when he left the classroom? Wasn’t he supposed to be learning? If I were his teacher I would have gone, “get back here, ya rascal” or words to that effect :P I know he did it quietly but surely someone would have noticed. Or Mr Draver would be (even if it was just a little) mad at him when he came to find him later.

    Here were a few weird wordings I noticed: “White moonlight and the soft orange glow of the candles lighting up the classroom” and “Everybody else was seemed eager to learn”. Oh, and when Joy was grabbed by the man at first I thought it was her saying “who are you” so when she spoke next I got a bit confused.

    Commented on: October 15, 2014

  • Snowfall

    Overall I thought this was a really interesting first chapter. I think you did a good job of introducing the characters (the ones we didn’t know already :P). I especially liked Clara, and I felt really bad for her (as well as Jacob) at the end. I can only imagine how much guilt she’s probably feeling. Still, hopefully his condition isn’t permanent. But I have a feeling it probably will be.

    Brad also really intrigued me. I can tell he’s probably going to be important later, so I wonder what his role will be. I bet he’ll be a suspect in the murder or something, but he won’t have actually done it. Oh! Or maybe he’s a guide or something, like Rose :P That might be a bit far-fetched of a guess from the few lines about him there has been so far, but whatevs :P

    Something I wondered when I was reading this chapter was whether Snow knows about Adrian. I don’t know, it didn’t come up so I was curious :P I wonder how you’d bring up something like that in a conversation.

    One thing I thought seemed odd, was that Snow refers to both Kayla and Ariana Mum. Wouldn’t that get confusing? Personally if I were her I’d call one Mama or something :P But I don’t actually know anyone with two mothers, so I really have no idea what someone would do in that situation, plus I'm an easily confused person :P

    Another thing. I like Snow, but… She seems almost too perfect, in a way. Beautiful, smart, modest… And she’s nice too, and non-judgemental or whatever. Plus she has a nice family and they’re super rich and everything. And she’s probably going to be the centre of a love triangle as well. I don’t know, perhaps that was intentional, seeing as the summary says her life is perfect, but I don’t really find her that relatable because of that.

    Hahahahahahhahhahahahahahaha: “You know nothing, Snow” xD xD xD

    Commented on: October 10, 2014

  • Cursed

    Samantha asks if Carey’s feeling unwell because, when she saw the shiny blue Reagan (which was earlier that day), she was acting weird then. Samantha asked her if she was feeling okay back in chapter 7, and now that she’s come back after her chitchat with Reagan (which Samantha thought was her going back to the brothel cos she was sick) but still acting weird she asks if she’s okay again. But that was quite a few chapters ago, so I should probably make it clearer, along with the setting and stuff :P

    Well, I didn’t deliberately make Reagan telling Janelle about Samantha’s thing an attempt to win her over, but it does kind of seem like that now I think about it… Heheh. That would be a bit douchebaggy of him :P I should definitely change that. And Samantha is acting a tad jealous, isn’t she… xD

    And you’re not exactly “supposed” to know what 256 is upset about, but… To be honest, there isn’t really anything in particular :P Carey’s confused because she doesn’t fully understand the impact leaving the Gifted has had on him – she thinks he should be happy, because he’s free now or whatever, and she doesn’t get why he would be as upset about it as he is. Plus, she’s kind of used to being the centre of his attention, so when he acts more distant like he did she thinks something is wrong. But it was kind of mean of him to slam the door in her face :P

    Aww, now I’ll never get to know what happened to the characters :( Still, I look forward to reading your new story.

    Commented on: October 8, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    So much has happened it’s hard to believe only a year has passed in the story :P At the start, they were both alone and hiding from something, but now… As I said before I really admire the development of both Kayla and Ariana. I also like how believable their love and romance and stuff was. I think a lot of people like me struggle with that, and I’ve certainly read many books where I didn’t find the character’s love convincing, but in this story I was convinced from the beginning even if I thought they were moving too fast at the start :P I guess now I’ve read to the end that doesn’t bother me that much, because it worked so well.

    Anyway, overall I thought this chapter was a good end to the story. The final scene with Snow (both the person and the, er… weather condition :P) was really nice and heart-warming, and a really nice place to end the story. After all the sad stuff that’s happened, it’s nice to end on a happy note.

    There was something I found odd in this chapter, though. Maybe it’s just me and my accent, but the way I’d say titular and, er, tit, don’t sound very similar :P I found it kind of weird that Kayla was talking about that, even though they sound different when said aloud. If she’d written it down, I could understand… I don’t really know why I found that weird, but I did :P It’s probably just me xD

    Anyway, I’m really looking forward to reading the sequel, and curious about what will happen. I hope there’s more about the supernatural stuff, I’m really interested in that, as well as seeing what the characters get up to :3

    Commented on: October 5, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    I’m not sure how I really felt about this chapter. I mean, it was sweet, and provokes thoughts about an interesting “what if” situation… But that was kind of overshadowed because I spent most of the time feeling sorry for Alana. I mean, in this chapter, there were things that Cooper said that made me feel like she was some sort of consolation prize to Ariana. Like when he said “I could have had the hot redhead” (I know that was a joke, but still…) or when talking about why he was glad he never told Ariana before he talked about not wanting to change what Kayla and Ariana have but he didn’t mention Alana… And in that other chapter too, where he gave Ariana that necklace even though he was meant to give it to the girl he was going to marry.

    Anyway, I guess I’m confused about how I’m meant to feel about this. Don't get me wrong, I thought it was nice and the bittersweet feeling was really well portrayed, I just felt uncomfortable about it because of the stuff I mentioned. Sorry for being, annoying, by the way. Perhaps I’m being too narrow-minded >.<

    I like that Ariana is going to run his bookstore. Not only because it keeps his memory alive, but it gives Ariana something to do other than raising Snow. I think she’d be really good at it too.

    Also, this is something that I’ve thought of a few times but keep forgetting to mention: Why is Cooper’s bookstore called Detroit Books? I mean, to me that seems more like small country town thing to name a store after the place… I certainly have never heard of anywhere called “Perth books” where I live :P Naming it after the suburb or street I could understand, but not the whole city. Surely there are heaps of bookstores in Detroit (although I wouldn’t know :P). I don’t know, that struck me as odd. Sorry again for complaining so much.

    Commented on: October 5, 2014

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! And don’t worry about taking a while. And thanks for pointing out those things. I was being really lazy when I wrote this chapter…. (Excuses, excuses) ;)

    I wouldn’t say Carey nearly cut his throat :P She threatened him because he scared her, but I doubt she would have gone through with it. And Reagan did know about her Gift before this chapter. I don’t think I ever wrote him finding out about it, but I guess someone must have told him :P Or maybe he saw a shiny blue Carey before that time in the forest and figured it out for himself. Maybe I should add someone telling him in when I get to rewriting that part of Gifted, that could be some good foreshadowing.

    As for Janelle, she’s upset about Marvin’s death. There was supposed to be a thing about it at the end of the chapter from her POV, but it didn’t fit so I worked it into the next one… Anyway, that’s probably why the timing at the ending is confusing O.o Thomas is upset too, and that’s partly why he overreacted so much when that innkeeper was being rude.

    Anyway, with 913 (I assume that’s who you meant by water lady even though she has an Air Gift :P) it’s similar to 805 and Michelle – as far as 256 knows, she is alive, but considering it’s been a long time since they saw each other she could very well have died since then. But, perhaps she is still alive... xD

    Commented on: October 5, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    I’m glad both Ariana and Kayla lived. I thought they would, but there was still that tension… Anyway, the first part of this chapter was really sad. Cooper :’( I thought it was interesting the way Alana had a similar reaction to his death that Kayla had when she thought Ariana was going to die… I guess she and Kayla have quite a bit in common :P I really liked that part when they were talking, because it showed how much Kayla has grown since then. Same with what Destiny was saying about how she tried to talk down Tricia, instead of kill her. I didn’t really think of that at the time, but she was right. Overall I think you really have done a great job with Ariana and Kayla’s development in this story, and it’s probably my favourite part.

    Anyway onto the supernatural stuff! I think it’s a cool idea, with everybody having something they have to do before they die. And the guides too. I never would have thought Rose was dead lol. I thought there might be something supernatural about her, since she kept conveniently showing up but that I never would have guessed There’s still so much I want to know about Destiny and Fate, but I feel like I’m going to have to wait to the sequel to find out if I ever do :P I was especially interested when Destiny said Kayla and Snow would have stuff to do still… Particularly Kayla, since you’d think she’d be done already… I guess Ariana changing her attitude must be involved somehow, and I’m really interested to see what will happen.

    One thing I thought, was that this chapter was very long and I think it might have been more suspenseful if you split it up. Because at the start, I was really sad over Cooper’s death and everything, and there were all the characters’ reactions to that which were really heartbreaking (especially Alana’s). But then by the end of the chapter he appeared again, even if it was as a guide… I don’t know, I feel like his reappearance would have more impact if it happened in a separate chapter to the one where you find out he’s dead. I’m not really sure why, tbh :P

    Commented on: October 2, 2014

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! Haha, I wouldn’t count on him figuring it out any time soon :P He’s nowhere near savvy enough for that.

    Anyway, I’m glad that Janelle’s feelings about his death were okay in this chapter >.< I was mostly worried that people would think I forgot about him if it wasn’t in the last one, but I suppose it doesn’t really matter if it’s in this one. But yeah, Janelle has changed a lot since then… And particularly since Marvin was the one to help her get out of that moping phase it would almost be an insult to his memory if she broke down like that again :P

    Lol, I had to throw in that line :P It was too ironic to resist…

    Commented on: September 29, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    Argh, you did again! But worse this time!

    So, both Kayla and Ariana were possibly fatally injured… At the moment I think Ariana’s definitely going to live (cos her injuries are more plausibly survivable) and Kayla… I think she’ll live, but I think there’s more of a chance she’ll die. I’m sure at least one will live, if not both, and my bet is Ariana. Anyway, the whole chapter was so tense and emotional, especially the ending. I was nearly in tears at the ending (and I’m not usually a crier when I read stuff, so that’s a very big feat).

    And Cooper, no! :’( :’( :’( He’s the only one I’m certain is dead after the chapter. I mean, he was shot in the chest, and was still… He’s definitely dead, and it’s so unexpected... I’m so depressed! I think Ariana’s going to live, so I wonder how she’ll cope with his loss. And Alana, of course. Whatever happens, I’m sure these last few chapters are going to be depressing. And if Kayla/Ariana dies as well… I’m definitely not prepared for the feels :’(

    Anyway, Tricia’s identity was certainly a surprise. I must admit I had completely forgotten about her… Still, it’s interesting how all the events are connected. I’d never imagined that Dwayne would still have an effect on the story all these chapters after his death, but now this has happened. I felt kind of sorry for her, even though I hate her now for possibly killing them.

    Although I admire Kayla for trying to talk Tricia down, some of the things she said definitely weren’t the brightest. I mean, a girl comes after you wanting revenge for the murder of her boyfriend, it’s probably not best to tell her about what a monster he was (even if it’s true, it’s not like she was going to believe her) >.< But then, I don’t really know what else Kayla could have said to convince her, so I think it was realistic that she would say those things. I guess she just had to take the chance to see if Tricia would respond, but she didn’t… :(

    Commented on: September 27, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    Ahhhhh! What a mood whiplash again! You seem really good at those :P The first chapter was so sweet, so happy, just like the last one… I was expecting something bad to happen before the end, but I never thought it would be in this chapter (although, admittedly the title was rather ominous :P). The happy speeches and dances and everything lulled me into a false sense of security, I guess :P

    Anyway, as I said the ending was definitely unexpected and intriguing. Who is this girl, and why does she apparently hate Kayla so much? I’m so afraid for both of them, but I have a feeling they’ll both make it out alive, somehow. I don’t know why, I just get that feeling :P

    One thing I found odd, was that it didn’t seem to take Penny much to start to forgive Byron. I mean, sorry for using my own experience or whatever, but my parents are divorced (and they ended on pretty bad terms, probably worse than Penny and Byron, but still) and it would take A LOT more time for my mum to forgive my dad then it took for Penny to forgive him. I mean, I could understand Penny forgiving and seeing him as a good person or whatever him eventually, but I found it strange when she was telling him he just made mistakes and stuff now. Sure maybe after a long time, and a bit more motive, I could see it, but right now… I don’t know, I just think she would need more to start forgiving him than just seeing him walk the girls down the aisle whatever. My brother even got married and my parents could barely stand to look at each other at his wedding, so…

     I’m sorry for ranting and being annoying, by the way. It was way longer than I meant it to be :P As I said I’m kind of biased, so my opinion probably isn’t that valid… Both of the girls’ (Alana and Kayla) reactions and opinions about their father I found realistic though. I like how they differ, too.

    Commented on: September 27, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Haha, sorry for rushing you… Take as much time as you want :) I don’t really mind about the drafts. I’ll read them if you post them, but if you want to change it or whatever then I’ll read it later :D

    And I don’t think there was anything immature in the last two chapters.

    Commented on: September 25, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

    Sorry, couldn’t help myself xD Anyway, this chapter was great. The wedding as a whole was great, very romantic and satisfying after all the girls have been through. It definitely gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside, that’s for sure ;)

    Firstly, Cooper and Ariana's moment at the beginning. That was definitely one of my favourite bits. I don't know why, because my brothers don't really act like that, but Cooper reminds me of them :P  I felt kind of bad for Alana though, that she didn't get the necklace he was supposed to be saving for his wife lol.

    Kayla’s dad showing up was sweet. Kinda cliché cos he showed up just in time and walked them down the aisle or whatever, but it was the good kind of cliché, if you know what I mean :P I’m glad he did appear. It’s nice that he’s been given a second chance from Kayla.

    And of course, their vows. I’m not the most sentimental of people but those definitely brought a tear to my eye ;) I find that a lot of people (including myself, most definitely) really struggle to make characters say romantic things and actually seem convincing and like something someone could actually say, and I think you did a really good job. Their vows were very touching and realistic, as was them kissing each other multiple times before they were meant to :P

    It was kind of funny at the end when Penny wasn’t sure what to say. That’s something I never would have thought about, haha. I guess wife and wife does sound a bit weird. There's too much repetition, so saying that they’re wed is probably better :P

    Hehe, even though I knew it was unlikely I was still half expecting someone to die for the whole wedding :P I’ve obviously been reading/watching too much GoT…

    Commented on: September 24, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I think this was a good epilogue. I’m kind of sad that Xavier and Jason weren’t in it, but then I suppose Jason’s still probably healing :P

    Overall I have really enjoyed this book. I think it’s definitely better written than Hunting Amaatlik (and that one was really good to begin with). There were lots of interesting plot developments, and the development of the characters (Sadie and Bianca in particular) was great too. The main thing I could suggest for this chapter is to maybe make it a bit longer? As I said I was kinda disappointed not to see Jason and Xavier, but perhaps you’re waiting till the next book for a reason, and if so feel free to ignore me :P

    I felt really sorry for Sadie. And Amisto’s dead… I know he probably died of old age, but it’s still sad. I liked him :( I hope they manage to get back to their time, but I have a feeling that they won’t. I wonder what happened to Xavier and Jason’s parents. They might not be dead, but their sons have been missing for so long… There are so many questions, like who killed Jason (surely it wasn’t just Alex…) that still haven’t been answered, and I’m really excited to find out more.

    This chapter left me with a bit of a depressed feel (not in a bad way). I really want to know what’s going to happen next, but I have no more to read! :( Are you gonna post the next one soon, or…?

    Commented on: September 24, 2014

  • Cursed

    Personally I don’t like this chapter very much… Mostly because there was originally a part from Janelle’s POV which dealt with her feelings over Marvin’s death, but 256 and Carey’s parts just got so long that I thought it just didn’t fit… I’m going to work it into the next chapter, but I’m worried that it should be in this chapter… O.o

    Hahahaha that was the best quote ever! Now I feel sad… Sirius :’(

    Commented on: September 24, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Haha, I was right about Calvin! Well, sort of :P He didn’t die, but he’s been separated from them… Poor guy, he just can’t catch a break. I wonder what will happen now he’s separated from them. Maybe the next book will be about finding Calvin instead of Jason :P And I was right about Joe/Sotekh too. I guess he really is Sadie’s dad…

    And Sadie’s mum! I like the symbolism with the mask and stuff (if that was symbolism. It seemed like it :P). It’s sad how she’s been corrupted by Death or whatever, even though she saved Sadie before and obviously cared about her. I thought it was kind of mean of Death to just make Sadie’s dad an orisk for apparently not loving her enough. I mean he was killed before, so he didn’t get a chance to sacrifice his life for her or whatever. But then, I suppose it was good in a way because then he didn’t get corrupted and was still himself andl loved Sadie when she showed up later.

    Still, I’m kind of glad in a way that Sadie’s mum was mean and telling her that she was saying it wasn’t fair that Sadie got to live. I mean, it would have been totally cliché if she’d been like, “OMG, Sadie!!! I love you so much and I’ll never leave you!!! Please, have your friend back with no cost whatsoever!” The way it was way more interesting.  Still, I hope she appears again (and Sotekh too) and gets away from Death so she can be the person she was that loved Sadie and saved her life. When she managed to be separate a few times during their fight, she seemed like a nice person.

    Anyway, I’m really curious what’s going to happen now. Jason will be back, but in a bad condition… I’m happy they managed to save him, even though the costs were pretty high. And going back forty years in the future is definitely going to be interesting O.o I guess they’ll all be like Bianca in a way now, with all their friends and family dead/old.

    Overall I really liked this chapter, and I think it was a great climax with for the story. There were lots of tense moment, some shocking things (Sadie’s mum) and more psychological turmoil. Maybe Death and Amaatlik are connected, cos they were both messing with Sadie’s mind. Overall I think you’ve done a good job with the climax of the story, and I’m really curious to see how it will all end :)

    I found it odd when Sadie’s mum said that when she and her father had found out Sadie was born… Wouldn’t she already know, seeing as she kind of had to be present? xD I think it would be better to say that she found out she was pregnant or that Sadie was going to be born or something. Or just said “after you were born we were afraid for you”.

    Also, when Xavier was counting steps he skipped from 1239 to 1345 in what I thought was a short space of time :P Either he’s a ninja or maybe it was just a typo and meant to be 1245?

    I really want to read the next chapter, but I’ve got class in like ten minutes O.o I’ll definitely read it when I get home tonight! Anyway, that was a lot of rambling, but I’ve probably missed out lots of stuff… Feel free to ask any questions!

    Commented on: September 23, 2014

  • Cursed

    Haha, it’s funny you should mention George R. R. Martin… Pretty much the whole time I was writing this chapter and the ones preceding it, I was split 50/50 on whether to kill Marvin… His death wasn’t 100% necessary for the story to continue, so it was really difficult for me to kill him. I kept trying to think of ways to get out of it, but then I thought that if I didn’t kill him George R. R. Martin would think me weak if he in some alternate universe ever read this story :P And so, I made my choice…

    O.o I just realised that GRRM and I have the same initials. Except my middle name doesn’t start with an R, but both of my sisters have names starting with R… Lol, that’s a funny coincidence. Sorry for rambling, by the way. I'll get back on topic.

    Anyway, when I started to write this story it was soon after I  marathoned all seven seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer for the first time. So when I created Marvin, Giles was definitely a major influence :P Anyway, I’m glad that his death had an effect on you, and that you thought it was a good decision writing-wise. On my fictionpress account I think one of my reviewers thought I’d just killed him off for the shock factor… Which isn’t true at all, and hopefully the next chapter will clear things up for them O.o

    Gifted was pretty light in terms of deaths of major characters, I don’t really know why. It just kind of ended up that way that the only important characters who died were the semi-villainous ones (3349, 440) and the sacrificial lambs whose deaths were planned before their debut (James, Emma, Rosa). But there will be a lot more deaths of major, established characters from now on. Anyway, be afraid. Be very afraid :P

    I’m busy with school plus I'm really stuck on the next chapter, so it’s probably going to be a while until I can post it… As for reading more of my stories, don’t worry about it. The only other stories I have are short ones anyway :P

    Commented on: September 20, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    Hi, sorry for the long time between comments. I probably should be able to comment more midway through next week, after my test. Tonight procrastination has gotten the better of me, so here I am :P

    Anyway, I really liked the bit where Kayla decided to forgive her dad, and her reasons for why she wanted to. I hope he does show up for their wedding, I’m sure it will be heart-warming. I must say, I’m curious to see what he’s like… I really hope they can make up, because aside from Cooper there aren’t really any positive regular male characters in the story (I mean, Dr Pinder and others are nice guys but they don’t appear much).

    I liked Kayla's thoughts about getting married too, and her fear at failing at (and being a mum too). I hope Kayla can surprise herself and do well at both of those things.

    At this moment, I’m really not sure what to expect. After Game of Thrones I half expect something bad to happen at their wedding, a death or two maybe, but then that’s probably too obvious :P So I think they’ll probably get married first, and then something bad will happen. Overall I really liked this chapter. I enjoyed the humour with all of Kayla’s friends, and I’m definitely looking forward to the next one.

    Commented on: September 18, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Sorry for the long time in between comments. I’m not an expert or anything, but I thought the fight scenes in this chapter were really well written and exciting. I especially liked the part where Bianca was using water magic, that was really cool. I like how you shared all the awesome moments among the main characters, so Sadie, Xavier and Bianca have all gotten their fights and done good things to help them through. And Skylos as well, but those guys have done more in my opinion :P Anyway, I’m glad that you spread things around instead of having just one dominate, as they all have their strengths and weaknesses.

    Oh, and I really like Bianca’s development in this book. I think you did that really well, and this chapter definitely showed how far she has come. And this chapter reminded me, since Xavier mentioned it… I wonder if we’ll find out what’s up with Alex and if he was really the one who wanted to kill Jason and stuff in this book. I mean, there’s only two chapters left, it doesn’t seem enough time… I’m really curious about that, but I don’t mind waiting to find out :P

    One bit of the fight that I think could use a bit more description was  when Mirg was hit by Xavier’s dart gun or whatever – I know it’s probably meant to be unclear what happens until they notice the dart in his chest, but I feel you could have described it better than just him raising his eyebrows and falling to his knees. Especially because raising eyebrows isn’t usually something that I usually associate with someone being shot, so when I first read that line I thought he was about to make a sarcastic quip or something :P Perhaps you could describe the sound of the dart hitting him, or something like that  :P I think it would be more dramatic that way.

    Also, I know this was probably part of the humour, but I don’t see how someone could mistake blood for red water :P I mean, blood is way thicker and not clear at all. Also, considering about 80% of blood is water she would probably have still been able to control it, so it still could have been blood even though Sadie was like, "it must be water". Sorry for being so nerdy, by the way :P

    Commented on: September 18, 2014

  • Cursed

    Haha, I can’t really say why I changed the Leader’s gender yet. It’s not that big a deal, but I feel I should probably wait :3 Luckily she/he hadn’t appeared much yet, so even though it was tedious to change it there wasn’t too much that I had to do.

    Surprisingly no one seemed to guess that he had the Gift of Stealth. A lot of people thought he was Gifted, which didn’t surprise me, but no one ever seemed to raise that possibility :P Carey has lost her originality but (hopefully) it won’t matter so much… Reagan is really important to the plot of this book, although hopefully not in a way people would expect. Anyway, he’s definitely the character who gives me the most headaches, so I hope I can pull off his role okay :P

    Commented on: September 15, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Wooo! Go Sadie! I was happy that she got to do some fighting, in this chapter and the last. The main complaint I have about her sword fighting scene was that it was kind of short, but the rest of the chapter was really interesting so it’s not that big a deal. I just like action and blood :P

    I must admit I’d forgotten completely about the orisk who called Sadie a princess. And now he seems awfully concerned for her wellbeing, more so than any of the others. Maybe they’re related. Maybe he’s her dad or something and was a human once, and that’s why he called her princess (because of that thing where apparently dads call their daughters princesses, although I can’t say I’ve ever experienced it myself :P). If so, I wonder why he left her alone if he seems to care about her. But then, I’m more inclined to think he’s using the royalty term for the word, so maybe not. Or maybe he is, and he’s secretly a king or something. Anyway, sorry for rambling.

    It made me feel sad when Sadie was holding onto the journal to remember Jason. Even when she was fighting, she kept hold of it. That made me feel really sorry for Sadie, and I really hope they can get Jason back without many issues.

    But, I doubt it will happen that easily. If they get Jason back, something has to be given up, most likely Calvin’s life. I don’t hate Calvin at all, I just feel like he’s definitely going to die at some point so I’m avoiding getting too attached to him :P I feel sorry for him and want him to escape from the pearl and live, but I don’t think he’s going to :P

    I wonder why he has a last name though. But then, his name is different sounding, so perhaps he’s from another country where they have last names. Or maybe everyone in the underworld has them, I don’t know :P

    “looked up at me and beamed” Here Xavier’s name is missing.

    Commented on: September 13, 2014

  • Cursed

    Heheh… To be honest I made those names up on the spot :P Although Zeia does have a bit of thought behind it – I wanted them to have foreign sounding names, and I’ve always really liked the Maori language, so I gave them Maori names… Although the country itself is not based of New Zealand in any way (it’s certainly not a desert :P) the name Zeia is kind of a nod to that. But Tarantis I just made up, without much thought :P

    Lol, It’s kind of sad that a nice and happy 805 is weird :P Although, if he was going to be nice and happy he’d show it in a very different way.

    And Reagan can never catch a break, can he? xD

    Commented on: September 12, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    Lol, a town with a name like Mistbrook Falls you just know something’s up there :P No matter how much real estate agents lampshade it, there must be something sinister lurking in that town :P

    Haha, it’s funny how Kayla’s going to write this book. I wonder if she will get it published someday ;) Anyway, I like that they decided to buy the house. I never really thought about it, but a warehouse really isn’t that safe a place for a kid :P And if they have a new house, then they can get a fresh start or whatever. I don’t know much about Detroit but I guess that probably isn’t the safest city either.  

    One thing that confused me was why Ariana wanted to lay his ashes there. I mean, it seemed like she had never been there before, and neither had he as far as I know, so it’s not a place of significance to him… And if she just wanted to scatter his ashes somewhere peaceful, how would she have found out about it? Did she just google suitable ashes laying spots? :P

    Anyway, things are just too happy at the moment. They’ve got Snow back, Adrian’s dead, they’re planning their future. Something’s going to happen soon, I can feel it :P

    Commented on: September 11, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I liked this chapter a lot. You always seem to think of the most original things, I’m always surprised haha. Like in this chapter with cool racing bunny things :P I’m kind of sad though, because there’s only 4 chapters left after this one.

    I liked that Sadie was the one to save them this time. Giving the bunnies wings was a cool idea, and effective. She’s my favourite character still. I guess after her it’s Xavier. Or Bianca. I can’t choose xD I think all your characters are well thought out and original, and their interactions are always fun to read about. I’m super excited to see what happens next.

    I’m also curious how the pearl thingy works. Is it like a wand, because she was able to use magic with it? I feel bad for Calvin (not that I didn’t before) if he’s stuck in a wand-like thingy again. Hopefully he can get out of this one as well, if he doesn’t sacrifice his life to save Jason. Anyway, I like how Bianca was all protective of it, that was a good detail considering she’s the only one who knows that Calvin’s in there.

    Something that confused me: I know it was a joke, but when Xavier guessed the distance of the skeletons: “37 feet, 9 inches, 3 centimeters and a millimeter.” It confused me that you switched between the metric and the imperial system, because 3 centimetres is more than an inch anyway so why wouldn’t he just say an extra inch? :P I also found it strange when Sadie said the bunnies were “living organisms”. I think it would be more natural for her to say they were animals.

    I was also kind of confused about Bianca’s brochure. Wouldn’t she have been there thirty years ago, no thirteen? Or did she just say thirteen because it’s unlucky (although, it’s my lucky number :P)

    Here is some strange wording I found: “We spit it out of our mouths and brushed it off our bodies.” You changed tenses in this sentence.

    Commented on: September 10, 2014

  • Cursed

    I’m glad that Hahana and Maui captured your heart easily. Particularly Maui. I must talk a lot, because I really struggled with his characterisation when he can’t talk much :P Still, I had a good time writing about them.

    Anyway, thanks for the comment! The next chapter was an… interesting one to write, shall we say :P

    Commented on: September 8, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    Hehe, I looked it up. It is a really pretty song, but so sad.... It reminds me of this song I sung in choir once many eons ago. I feel depressed now. Still, definitely appropriate.

    Commented on: September 8, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    I really liked Ariana and Adrian’s goodbye. I’m not entirely sure if he understands what he did was wrong, but it did seem like he understood that he had hurt her… When he said he didn’t want to talk about it and stuff. I guess that even though he’s kind of crazy, he still does have feelings and stuff. I think that’s good, because it would have been so much easier to just make him completely and utterly evil up until his last moments, but I like it better when villains have depth. So good job :D

    Anyway, despite that I’m glad he died. I think Ariana’s reaction to the whole thing was realistic – she wanted to see him before he died and say goodbye, but at the same time I think her relief and gladness over his death was realistic. Now she can get on with her life and be a mother to Snow without having the fear of him doing something to her (Snow) hanging over her.

    I’m kind of sad I couldn’t hear the melody when Ariana was singing :P Is it a real song, or a made up one? I can’t say I recognise the lyrics. Still, it was nice that she finally managed to remember it when the moment counted.

    Commented on: September 7, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I’m interested now, about the Jason/Rusdeq. Well, I was interested before but now I’m even more interested :P I mean, Bianca said that they couldn’t grab people, but he grabbed Xavier… Perhaps they have just gotten stronger, or maybe it was something else. I don’t think it was the real Jason, but maybe it’s some other sort of magical thing. Or maybe I’m reading too much into things haha.

    Aww, it was so sad when Sadie and Co. found about Jason being dead. Still, it was nice of them to have a friendship moment and continue on their journey anyway. I wonder when they’ll find out about Calvin too, cos Bianca didn’t mention him. I still think he’s going to sacrifice himself or die somehow. I really don’t know why I’m so convinced :P

    But I’m kind of confused about the whole Jason being alive/dead thing. I mean, whether he’s really alive or dead… He’s still trapped in the underworld, so does it make a difference? I suppose it might be harder for them to get him back if he’s dead, but it would probably still be hard if he’s really alive anyway. I guess I’m kind of confused about what the rules are.

    Also, why was Skylos sleeping? Did he just get there really early or something before the rest of them? :P It seemed weird to me that he would randomly go to sleep in the middle of their mission. I don't know why, I just found that strange.

    I didn’t enjoy this chapter as much as the last two, but I did still like it even though not much happened overall. It felt like a breather chapter, with more emotional stuff in it what with Jason’s death being revealed and stuff. I think there might be action or some other sort of psychological drama in it, so I’m excited. I wonder what they’ll be doing in a desert lol.

    Commented on: September 7, 2014

  • Cursed

    It was hard for me to kill him… I couldn’t decide whether to do it or not, because it’s not 100% necessary for the story, but it would be a lot better story-wise if he did... I was really torn between killing him or not, but then I thought: “Come on Gen. George RR Martin would think you weak!” :P Anyway, that’s where I got the thing about him scraping his throat from – I don’t know if people really do that in real life, as I can’t say I have much experience in that area, but it happened in one of the GoT books when someone died… And I swear I saw it on a crime show one time too :P

    As for Thomas’s coat, I kind of thought he’d wear one simply out of habit. I mean, when he was growing up he and his mum wouldn’t have had much idea about his powers, so she probably would have made him wear one when he went outside because she didn't realise that it didn’t bother him. Plus by having one and wearing it when it’s cold outside he wouldn’t draw attention to himself. But as for the other things you mentioned… I don’t know what was going on with those haha :P Particularly with the young Gifted.

    I do use symbolism, but I can’t say that Thomas’s hammer was one of them :P If anything the Gifted are the communist ones, because of the way they run the country.

    Commented on: September 7, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Sorry for the long time in between comments, I’ve had a bit of a hectic week O.o

    This was a really good chapter. I was so excited for a moment, when “Jason” appeared… I guess I should have known it was a trick lol. I felt really sorry for Xavier when he figured it out though. Those rusdeqs are mean.  And then they transformed into Bianca as well, which is creepy. I mean, maybe they’ll never find each other again… I wonder what happened to the others, I hope they’re all okay.

    But they were cool monsters though. They kind of reminded me of the weeping angels from Doctor Who, except they’re the opposite because the rusdeqs can only kill people when they see them while the weeping angels can only kill them when they can’t see them. But I got the same creepy vibe I get from them lol, maybe because of the creeping up behind you thing they've both got going on. Sorry for rambling, btw. I really like all of the magic creatures and stuff you have in this story, I always get excited when there’s something new, like in this chapter.

    Something I found odd was this sentence when they were talking about walking in a line and walking side by side: “That's so stupid," I told him. I covered my face in embarrassment”. Not only is Sadie a him again, but I don’t understand why Xavier is embarrassed, because the idea he was suggesting was a better one. Perhaps Sadie would be covering her face because she was embarrassed by her idea, but I don’t know why Xavier would be. Sorry if I didn’t explain that properly, by the way.

    I was also kind of confused about some of Xavier’s reactions to “Jason”. Mostly when he was like, “you were here safe and sound the whole time????” I don’t know if you’d really call the city a safe and sound place to be lol, considering the rusdeqs and stuff. I mean, it took them a long time to get there, so if Jason was really stuck there it would still be a bad place to be. Anyway, because of that I was kind of confused when he was getting all angry at him.

    Commented on: September 5, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    Awwww that was so cute! I think you did a good job of making Snow act like a two year old – I find that a lot of kids in books always seem much older than they’re meant to be, but her simple way of saying things and the unicorn and everything. It’s sweet that she and Ariana bonded so easily, particularly after she was so worried. I liked Ariana’s reaction to everything, especially when she was crying when she saw and hugged Snow for the first time. That seemed very realistic, and overall it was really heart-warming.

    It’s nice that Snow and Kayla were able to bond a bit too, considering that she’s going to be Snow’s mum too. Hehe, it’s funny that she called the unicorn Mikayla. That’s not that common of a name :P

    But Snow seems a bit like a “perfect daughter” in a way – smart, cute, and even friendly and playful. I mean, she’s only two and appeared for a chapter so it’s probably too early to judge, but it just seems a bit… I don’t know xD

    Anyway, the ending definitely caught my attention. So, Adrian is going to die. I suppose in a way it’s kind of disappointing considering Ariana had that operation and everything to save him, but at the same time I guess it’s kind of a good thing. I wonder what will happen when they meet again. I don’t think Adrian will ever feel bad about what he did, or anything, but I’m curious :P I really don’t know what to expect, but I’m sure it’ll be interesting.

    Commented on: September 5, 2014

  • Cursed

    Lol, well I’m about to do my scary test in less than an hour so I should be able to comment more now too :P I’ll probably do another comment tonight, or during my farm safety lecture this afternoon if I get really bored (which is pretty likely :P). Sorry for not commenting in ages.

    So far this chapter and the next have probably been the ones I enjoyed writing the most of this story. Originally I had them both just speaking English or whatever, but then I realised it was weird that they could… xD Anyway, there’s some more stuff about the language thing in the next chapter. Anyway, I’m glad it was enjoyable.

    Commented on: September 4, 2014

  • Cursed

    It’s mainly Carey’s part of the chapter that I don’t really like. I don’t know, I just feel like these chapters were fillers, because her plot can’t really start until the next one.

    As for Samantha, she’s upset about a number of things. She’s upset about Thomas, of course, and meeting 805 affected her more than she’d ever admit :P But, there is something else in particular that she’s upset about, which is probably more obscure… I’m actually curious to see if anyone will figure it out.

    Commented on: August 31, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Well, that definitely wasn’t what I was expecting for the next challenge :P Haha, it’s kind of funny how they passed the test because they were too busy arguing to notice it was happening. There was a bit of repetition in some of the descriptions though. For example, you said the word “blood” a lot when Bianca was describing the swamp.

     But despite that I really did like the descriptions in this chapter. Like the bone trees, and the blood lake. It sure sounded creepy, I don’t know how they managed to get through it without freaking out :P But I’m excited to see what happens next, and what will happen when they get to this city the croc guy spoke of. Maybe it’ll be full of dead people, and Jason will be there. But that’s probably too soon to find him, so I guess he probably won’t be. Sorry for rambling, by the way.

    Haha, I like how Bianca called Jason a damsel in distress and she was the prince rescuing him :P Although, I did think that since there are three of them (Xavier, Skylos and Sadie) they should be referred to as steeds instead of steed, that seemed awkward.

    I was also kind of confused when Sadie was like “there are five challenges” and Bianca corrected her. I don’t think it’s the sort of thing Sadie would forget, and I remember Bianca telling her before.

    I was also kind of confused when Xavier randomly took his clothes off. I’m assuming he didn’t take all of them off, cos later they said he was in his underwear, but when it happened that line made me go “what?” for a second :P

    And there were a few more places where the start of a sentence seemed to be missing:

    “walked forward, occasionally giving me”

    “chat. Sadie, go ahead.”

    “scratched her head.”

    Commented on: August 30, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    I’m excited to see them get Snow back. I wonder what she will be like. Is she bubbly and outgoing? Or shy? I’m excited to find out.

    I liked Ariana’s doubt about whether she’ll be a good mum or not. Especially after having that dream, it seemed a natural reaction. I mean, not only has she been through a lot, she’s pretty young, so her reaction to the news about Snow seemed very natural. But I agree with Kayla, no one could be better than her.

    Anyway, I’m getting an ominous feeling again. Everything seems too happy :P They’re getting married, they’ve found Snow… I don’t know, maybe I’m just too suspicious, but I feel like something big and scary is going to happen at the end of the story. Congratulations on completing it, btw. I’ll do my best to catch up soon, although I probably won’t get much of a chance to in the next week or so.

    Commented on: August 29, 2014

  • Cursed

    About Reagan and his powers, well… I really can’t say much about it. He’s very important to the plot of this story, but (hopefully) not in the way anyone would expect. But, even though Carey has lost some of her originalness the point of this chapter is to show that she’s not the only one, and that’s important. But, Reagan is definitely the character who gives me the most headaches (because he’s difficult to write), so I hope his part is okay.

    As for the internal organs thing, now I think about it he probably would know what a liver is :P I mean, I’m sure he’s probably mentioned lungs, hearts, stomachs and possibly brains before… I should apologize to him for thinking he’s stupider than he really is :P

    And thanks for pointing out repetition and stuff. Some things are deliberate (like Hahana puffing out her chest, because it’s a habit so she does it a lot) but I should probably find different ways of saying things (like proudly).

    Haha, after changing the Leader’s gender I must say I admire you for changing Sadie’s gender :P I mean, she hadn’t appeared much yet but I still found it so tedious going back and changing all the he’s to she’s, changing her appearance slightly and some of her speech, etc. And I only had a few chapters to do lol. But, I can’t say why I changed her gender yet.

    Commented on: August 29, 2014

  • Cursed

    I’m glad you like this chapter. Personally I really dislike it (at least, Carey’s part) and the next one :P I don’t know why, it just bugs me.

    And yes, Carey’s idea really isn’t her best :P But, she’s not really thinking rationally at the moment. I’m glad her guilt and emotions were okay, that’s what I was mostly worrying about.

    Lol, Secretly Gifted List… I wonder who else is on that list :P Anyway, the circumstances of 256’s miraculous survival (and who’s responsible) won’t be revealed for quite some time. So that’s plenty of time to theorize :P

    Commented on: August 27, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    This chapter has to be one of my favourites. I really enjoyed all the fights and humorous things (like Xavier and his banana :P) It was cool to see that Bianca has a feisty side, and to see how she’s toughened up since her ordeal in the ocean. I did think it was kind of weird that she suddenly slapped Sadie. I mean, I might be wrong, but Sadie didn’t seem to say anything deserving of being slapped :P

    But I can forgive her, because she was so badass fighting Mirg. As mean as this sounds, I’m glad she got some injuries, as it makes the fight more intense. I think you did a good job of describing it, and the stakes were high the whole time so it was exciting. I hope Sadie gets some cool moments later on, too, because she was mostly observing in this chapter while Bianca, and also Xavier and Skylos fought. But I’m sure she will.

    The ending was very intriguing. So all dead people have to go through this, huh? I thought it was only people like them, who aren’t really dead, but I guess I was wrong. It’s good if Bianca remembers things, because then she might be able to use her knowledge in the future challenges to help them out. I’m really curious what they’ll find at the end, and if Jason will be there. I’m also wondering what happens to those who don’t pass all the challenges.

    There was a bit of repetition – you said trident quite a lot of times when they were fighting, but other than that I didn’t notice anything in particular.  

    And I wouldn’t say that I dislike Calvin, it’s just I’m convinced he’s going to die :P Like when I watch Game of Thrones, I never dare to let myself get too attached to any of the characters, cos lots of them will end up dying. But, now I’ve said that Calvin will probably survive the whole book, and the series, and end up happily married like in those cheesy manga epilogues :P Can fidis get married? I don’t see why not. If not, I want to protest for fidi rights. Sorry, I should really stop writing comments when I’m really tired :P

    Commented on: August 26, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    I must admit, I’m really not the biggest fan of flashbacks. The other chapter you had I liked, because it was told in an interesting way that was new when it was in Ariana's diary. But in this one it was just the same as before, so it seemed repetitive. I mean, this stuff happened earlier in this book, so I didn’t really need to be reminded of it. Maybe if this was a sequel and the flashbacks were from the first book, but... I don't know, I just feel like they were unnecessary. But as I said I’m not a flashbacks person, so other readers might not be bothered.

    Anyway, despite that, I found this chapter very interesting. Particularly about Snow – I must admit I never thought of something like that. Ariana’s grandfather was a cunning man, huh :P It was interesting to see how Kayla’s worried about being a mum if they do take Snow back. I think she’d be a good mother, too, but in a different way that Ariana. But that’s a good thing, because then Snow can gain the best from both of them. I’m excited for the next chapter, I wonder how Ariana will react to the news. I think she’ll be scared at first, but eventually she’ll realise she’s ready and take her daughter back.

    Heh heh, I’ve been studying anatomy all day and I must admit when Ariana said Kayla needed to “broaden her palate” I was momentarily confused. I was like, how can she broaden her soft and hard palates? And then I realised… xD

    Commented on: August 25, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I wonder what Xavier, Sadie and Skylos will think when Bianca tells them about Jason. I was surprised they met up so soon, I thought Bianca would be wandering around by herself for a few chapters. But, I like it better this way, and I wonder what these challenges will be. It was funny when Xavier was like, “Bianca gave us her girly love”. That made me laugh, but I’m not sure why.

    It was heart-warming when Bianca and Sadie made friends properly. It’s nice that they were able to forgive each other, and hopefully they’ll be able to bring Jason back from the dead now using the power of friendship or something :P Either that or Calvin. I don’t know why, I just have a feeling he’s going to die. Even though that’s probably a bit morbid.

    Haha, Xavier says he doesn’t read the mind of women. But, I’m pretty sure he read the mind of Sadie before. I know that’s probably because she used to be a boy, but I think it would be funny if you left it the way it is (although, I guess not funny for Sadie :P).

    Oh, I just had a thought. Mary. Marisca. Maybe they’re the same person! Skylos said she was the most powerful witch in the ocean. Maybe she can turn into a clam, and works as a sea witch on the side of being the setahr of Draida.

    I must admit I was surprised when Bianca mentioned that she had dyslexia, for two reasons: Firstly, I thought she’s been mentioned writing (and reading) before, and secondly I’m surprised that she knows what it is :P I mean, dyslexia hasn’t been recognised as a learning disorder for that long. Before the late 1800s people would probably just think someone with dyslexia was stupid. But I know this isn’t a super realistic story, so it’s fine if you want to keep it in, I just thought I’d point it out anyway.

    I also found it strange that Xavier referred to the pearl as a disco ball, when pearls don’t really look like disco balls.  Unless they have different, cool pearl-looking disco balls in Mericia :P

    Commented on: August 25, 2014

  • Cursed

    Originally there was going to be more of a time skip, but it didn’t work very well. I was worried about this chapter, so I’m glad it ended up being okay.

    I tried to make his survival as ambiguous as possible, but I thought even so most people would think he was still alive. But, he really should have died, as the ending suggested.

    Commented on: August 24, 2014

  • Cursed

    Haha, that dream was definitely freaky :P It’s supposed to show that 256 really has no idea what parents are like.

    913 was out of character in the dream, but not as much as 805 was. Mostly because she actually was like a mother figure to 256, while 805 isn’t really a father figure, so he’s more out of character :P

    As for Reagan, everyone always wonders about him but I can never say anything… xD He’s definitely the character who gives me the most headaches, though, but he’s very important to the plot in this book, so I hope I can pull it off okay.

    Commented on: August 24, 2014

  • Cursed

    Thank you for saying such nice things :) I don’t really think it’s as good as you say. I’m really not sure if I’ll try and get it published. Not just because I'm not really sure if it’s good enough, but because I’ve still got like four and a half years of study left, so I'm not sure if I have the time. But I’ve only done like 14 chapters of editing so far, so maybe I’ll see how I feel when I’m done.  

    I must admit I didn’t really think about 256 possibly being seen by the Gifted :P He sleeps in his uniform because he’s become rather attached to it. He was on the second storey, so they might not have seen him, but I guess Janelle and Co. would probably be more careful xD

    I’m glad you noticed Hahana’s (and Maui’s) way of talking. If figured they wouldn’t really use things like contractions, as they’re more something a native speaker would use, while someone learning a second language usually speaks quite formally. And I figured that brothel probably wasn’t a word her Mum taught her :P And Hahana making Maui carry her stuff isn’t a cultural thing, she’s just like that xD

    I’m happy you liked his dream, too. I thought it might be too weird lol. Anyway about 256’s parents – although I think it’s quite obvious that he will try and find his parents one day, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they will appear :P Or maybe they will, who knows? His parents would probably be forty-something, so they could likely be dead, as this is an old timey setting and it’s a much bigger deal for them to live to be forty or older than for us. As for the rebels, I wouldn’t say he dislikes them, but he is kind of indifferent to them at the moment (because he’s more focussed on the Gifted).

    As for Carey drinking at the tender age of 19, in Australia the drinking age is 18, not 21. So she’s being perfectly legal in my eyes :P

    Commented on: August 24, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    Well, that was definitely an interesting chapter. I like how originally it’s like, she’s dreaming of having a normal life with her dad… But then she’s pregnant, and in love with him instead of just familial love. I think it makes sense, though, because Ariana wouldn’t know what an ordinary father/daughter relationship is like, so it’s like she’s imagining a happy version of what she’s used to. Anyway, I thought that was clever :P

    The ending of her dream was really well written, too. It’s scary, to think what would have happened if Snow had been born when she was still in her house. And I wonder what would have happened to Ariana, too. I wouldn’t think that Adrian would kill her, but if when Snow grew up a bit he moved onto her, what would have happened to her? It’s scary to think of…

    I laughed when Ariana tricked Kayla, though :P Hehe, that’s definitely payback for locking her in the closet. So, Cooper and Alana are going to adopt Sophia. I wonder how she’ll  be involved in the sequel, because at the moment I honestly have no idea :P

    Commented on: August 22, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I really enjoyed the action in this chapter. It was a cool idea, drowning (?) the mermen in air. The whole using your heart thing was kind of cheesy, but in a good way, and it was a great way of showing Bianca's character development. Also, I really liked the line: “Don't love people just to be romantic. Love them because you really care.” I don’t know why I liked it so much, I’m a sap like that :P

    Poor Calvin, trapped in an object again. Although, that pearl is magical, isn’t it? Hopefully that means he’ll at least get some magic powers or something like before until he can be freed. I don’t know how the pearl works, so he might not be able to I guess. Their talk about Amaatlik left me wondering. I bet at some point he’ll be released somehow and come for them for revenge or something. I’d like that to happen, because he was a cool villain.

    One thing that confused me though, is why Selena would kill herself and become a banshee just to help Bianca. I mean, it seems a little extreme. Doesn’t she have a survival instinct? And she never struck me as suicidal.

    But, despite that, I’m excited. I hope Bianca meets up with the others soon. I wonder what will happen when they meet. I think it will probably be heartwarming. I’m also wondering what’s going to happen, and how they’re going to save Jason if he’s already dead. I still think Calvin might sacrifice himself or something like that, but would he be able to if he’s still stuck in that pearl? I don’t know :P

    This is picky wording thing, but when Calvin said the spear wouldn’t kill you unless it broke your flesh… I know he meant a deep stab wound or whatever, but Bianca’s flesh was broken when she got cut, so technically she would have died too.

    When Bianca was talking about what the heart is for, the phrase “or something like that” was repeated twice in a row. You also repeated the word glow and variations of it in the paragraph where she was trapping him in the pearl. And when Selena was behind the seaweed, the word seaweed was repeated quite a lot of times too.

    Commented on: August 22, 2014

  • Gifted

    Thanks for reading this story :D I’m glad it was enjoyable. And I’m really glad that you liked the last line :P It’s something I decided on when I was only halfway through writing this story, so I’m glad it’s effective and fitting. I wanted it to end with the three main characters together properly for the first time (even if 256 is on the verge of death), seeing as they were all separate at the beginning. I wanted to end on the idea that even though they’ve faced so many hardships already and passed this hurdle, the fight is far from over.

    Anyway, at the moment I’m thinking this series will be at least three books. But, it could easily be longer than that, depending on how things go. I even know what the title of the last one (if the third ends up being the last one) will be even though I’m only a few chapters into the second one so far :P

    And yes, Michelle is dead. I considered changing it to make her alive (because I felt so mean lol) but then I decided it makes much more sense story wise if she’s dead. It would have been interesting if 805 had stayed with them, but… He really needed to go for plot reasons :P

    Commented on: August 21, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I found it funny when Xavier was pleased that Sadie didn’t hate him :P That and him smiling at her (even if she thought it was creepy) makes me think they’re going to be  couple someday. It was funny when Xavier was like “Are you in love with Bianca? Nooo, she’s Jason’s!”

    I liked how Xavier mentioned the other zombies going back to being dead, but Bianca was still alive, because it was something I was wondering before. Perhaps Sadie is right, and she’s still alive because the zombies were only raised using less powerful magic or something.

    I wonder what will happen when they’re in the underworld. Maybe they’ll see that orisk again, and he’ll say why he called Sadie a princess. I hope that gets explained in this book, although who knows? Perhaps I won’t get to find out for ages :P

    I was kind of confused when Sadie was comparing Jason to Xavier. Especially when she said that he never seemed afraid. He seemed quite afraid a few times in HA, even if he was being influenced by Amaatlik or whatever.

    Also, why would Skylos leave their bodies in the middle of the sea on a boat? Even if they don’t come across a ship or anything, what if there was a huge storm and the boat sunk? Wouldn’t it be better to leave them somewhere on land or something? :P

    I know Noah’s part in this story probably isn’t over, but for now I feel like this whole part with him (the last Xavier/Sadie chapter, and this one) was a bit lacking. I’m wondering if that’s really it for this book, unless he appears later, but I don’t think he will. Maybe it’s because he appeared so suddenly without any warning, so if you fix that it might be alright. I mean, it just seemed like him and Nomilis (especially the sword, because she just got destroyed while I’m sure Noah will appear again at some point, just not in this book) were more important, considering there was that chapter in HA. But now Nomilis is gone so suddenly, so I’m confused.

    Commented on: August 20, 2014

  • Gifted

    To be honest I had no idea Thomas was going to lose his hand until this chapter either. He was only going to lose a finger, but I just started writing and it happened… Heh heh.  And then I made him lose his left hand, but changed it to his right because it would have a bigger impact for him :P I’m such a cruel person.

    As for Carey, you’re right. Because she’s driven  by grief/rage, she’s not focussing so much on moving and getting it right, just relying on instinct like she would if she were visible. For her there’s no real trick to fighting while invisible, she just kind of has to get used to it and then she’ll be able to fight as she would if she were visible.

    Commented on: August 19, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I felt like Calvin’s emotions were a bit forced in this chapter. Like when he yells at Bianca: “HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? GO AWAY!" I would think it was pretty obvious that Bianca doesn’t know that Jason really is dead, so it seemed a bit of an overreaction. But, I suppose he’s upset about Jason, so he’s not thinking rationally. He and Jason must have been closer than I thought, because he reacted a lot more to his death than I thought he would. That’s not a criticism, by the way, just an observation.

    Also when he said “Our dear Jason is no longer with us”. For some reason that seemed odd to me, not like something someone would say (unless they were a funeral director or something :P). I also thought it seemed rather dramatic when Bianca (briefly) wanted to commit suicide. I don’t know, she just didn’t seem the sort of person who would think of that, you know? At least, not out of the blue like that. I know I’ve used suicide in my own stories, so this is probably hypocritical of me, but it seemed a bit out of place in this chapter.

    Anyway, it’s sad that Jason is officially dead. I think they’ll still be able to bring him back. Maybe one of them will have to sacrifice their life. Right now my bet’s on Calvin. Or maybe if Alex has a change of heart, he will :P But I doubt that.

    I really liked the bit with the water magic. It’s interesting that there are lots of different types of magic. And if Bianca does learn how to use water magic really well, then that will set her apart from Jason/Sadie, etc who are using normal(?) magic. Anyway, I thought Bianca’s thought processes and stuff when she was learning it were well done. It’s good that she managed to control her emotions, and hopefully let go of some of her anger.

    Commented on: August 18, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    Wow, that was very intriguing. And unexpected – So, there is some supernatural force bearing down on them. The girl was really creepy, especially her weird rhyme. I don’t think Kayla will die, but… Who knows? And then there were the other things she said… I guess she’s “fate” or “destiny or whatever. But, why is she so fixated with them? There’s so many people in the world, after all :P Anyway, this chapter is definitely one of the best so far. I’m excited to see what happens, now that the supernatural stuff has really become apparent. Even if she says not to, I'm sure Kayla will try and fight her anyway. And she should.

    As for Claire, it was interesting to see more about her too. So, she is real, but not a ghost like I thought (at least, she’s not only a ghost, she’s some sort of guide thing).

    I wonder what’s behind her veil. I think that underneath she’ll either be really grotesque looking, or maybe she’ll be someone that Kayla/Ariana knows.

    Commented on: August 17, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    This chapter was confusing. It was good, but I feel like there wasn’t enough of a connection with the last one. When I first read it I was like, “what? I thought Xavier and Sadie were in Draida chasing Alex” and now suddenly they’re in Barcos chatting with Noah? I don’t know, it almost felt like there was something missing. I’m confused why they went to Noah, and how Sadie knew that it was him that wrote in the book. Like I said, it was like a chapter had been missed out. I even went and reread a few of the last Xavier/Sadie chapters, in case I’d missed something, but there wasn’t really anything.

    Anyway, once I kind of got over my initial confusion I enjoyed this chapter. So Noah and Nomilis were the ones who wrote in that book in HA… Huh, can’t say I expected that :P I thought it was probably Mary, seeing as it wasn’t Bianca like I originally thought. Hah, but I was right about Mary being the setahr! I wonder why she is being all mysterious, and contacting them through dreams or whatever but not appearing in person.

     I wonder if Xavier can really read minds, or if he’s just good at guessing what people are thinking. I suspect it is the latter :P After Sadie, he’s probably my second favourite. His POVs are always entertaining, like in this chapter when he was like, “You’re thinking about how awesome I am”.

    When Noah was making the list of people who could help them, he said that a hellhound was the fourth person who could help, but he had only said two other people, Mary and Amisto :P

    There were a few times in this chapter where the first part of a sentence got cut off. “scratched her head.” And here: “laughed. ‘What's next, the king of Mericia?’”And here:  “looked like she was ready to give up”

    “I had to read his mind.” Xavier called Sadie a he.

    Commented on: August 16, 2014

  • Gifted

    Lol, at least when it’s a number they might just have thought you lost at the lottery or something :P

    I’m glad you felt some compassion for 3349 :P 256, 805 and even 440 are all oddballs, so she’s supposed to be like a representation of what ordinary Gifted are like. Even though she’s closed off and cold, she, like the rest of the Gifted really is just human underneath.

    As for 256, I think he really has been thinking about this for a while. Carey’s more like the trigger, but his views on the Gifted have been changing for quite some time.

    Commented on: August 15, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I liked the details in this chapter, like when Bianca corrected herself when saying air. I think that’s something a lot of people would have forgotten about. I also liked how Bianca described herself when she was in Selena’s body, when her hair was waving around in the water and stuff.

    And Calvin’s back! That was definitely surprising lol. He has very good timing, saving Bianca like that. Although I’m not sure if he’ll actually appear in person. I mean, Selena left, so maybe he did too :P I guess I’ll just have to find out. Speaking of Selena, I’m kind of sad she’s gone. I liked her, even if it turns out she was jealous all along. I hope she appears again.

    I liked the action, and how Selena used crabs and swordfish as weapons :P That made me laugh. I like how Yozka figured it out, too, even though it was bad for them lol. It would have been boring if he had been really easily defeated :P

    Anyway, there are still a few places where I think you could combine the sentences and it would flow better. Like here: “Yozka's grin widened. He leaned forward. His tail swished excitedly, drawing bubbles.” Considering it’s the same person doing the actions, you could probably combine the sentences without much trouble, and it would seem less jerky that way. It doesn’t happen that often, but there are a few places.

    Also, there was a bit of repetition sometimes. Like when Bianca and Serena were swapping bodies, you said “sense” or a variation on the word a lot :P And Selena called Calvin Calvin, even though before she was calling him Okeanos.

    Here’s a typo I noticed: “An occasional few casted curious glances at Yozka”.  Also here: “They looked around for her, thinking maybe she had gotten into the crowd” It’s kinda like the suspicious thing in the last chapter, as how would Bianca know what they were thinking.

    And the quality of these chapters has been good, by the way. But, if you want me to wait a while before commenting again I can. Otherwise I can probably start commenting more frequently again, my busy period is (momentarily) over.

    Commented on: August 15, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    Lol, Kayla strikes again with the famous character name disguise. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t Spencer Hastings one of the girls from Pretty Little Liars? I only ever read one of the books and never watched the show, so I’m not quite sure :P

    And Rose! Well, I assume it was Rose, because she didn’t actually say who it was :P Maybe she’s like Claire, some sort of supernatural being. But then, I don’t think Rose is dead. But maybe she doesn’t have to be. It’ll be funny if it wasn’t Rose :P

    Anyway, this was a really interesting chapter. I liked getting to see more of Kayla’s past. The part where she had the dream about Ariana was particularly interesting. I guess it was their destiny to meet or whatever :P I mean, it feels like all of the events, were just leading to her going to Detroit and meeting Ariana. Like when she found that map, or when Rose told her about it… It’s kind of spooky. I bet there’s some supernaturally stuff going on there.

    I also thought it was interesting to see “pre-Ariana” Kayla again. It really highlights how much she’s changed, and for the better too. By the way, I’m curious, how long is this story going to be, about?

    Commented on: August 15, 2014

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! I’m glad the humour was okay. I enjoyed writing this chapter, and I’m glad their characterisation was clear. I don’t know, maybe I talk too much, because I was struggling to convey Maui’s character when he can’t talk much to them :P I don’t really have any particular inspiration for them, at least, not a conscious one lol.

    You’re right about that sentence. As for the diamond, I’ve actually thought about that before. Diamonds are brittle, but I think the size does play a part, so it might not shatter, but I’m really not sure. It’s been ages since I did chemistry lol. But in this story the diamonds are magical so maybe they’re not as brittle as usual :P

     As for Hahana and Maui’s weapons, they aren’t royalty, but they were sent to the island by royalty so they were given special weapons. When they were just in the military they would have had ordinary weapons. As for Maui (and Hahana, because she’s quite skilled too) being defeated easily, I figured it was because they was surprised by Carey’s invisibility. Maui and Hahana don’t have much experience with actual missions and fighting, so when she did something unexpected like that it caught them off guard.

    As for the Leader and Wesley, they both have a role in this story… But it might be a while before they appear :P

    Commented on: August 14, 2014

  • Gifted

    I’m glad Samantha’s emotions were good. Even though she’s kind of cynical and acts like she’s above those pesky things called emotions, this chapter was supposed to show how she really is quite insecure on the inside. Even though she acts like she thinks her dad is an evil bastard for leaving and she never needed him at all, a part of the reason why she hates him so much is because he wasn’t there to love her.

    I think the truth is probably better too. Although, I think it’s better to wait until the kid is old enough to understand, because otherwise they might think that it was their fault. Although, in Michelle’s case, the situation was rather complicated.

    As for 805, although he didn’t “know” (I think that’s pretty obvious from his behaviour, so it’s not a spoiler or anything :P) I think he always knew it was a possibility even if he didn’t want to admit it. I mean, he’s not dumb, he knows what the possible consequences of his actions were :P As for him doing something, well… I don’t know what he could have done, he doesn’t have any money or anything lol. He could make them a lifetime’s supply of sparkly kitchenware xD

    As for his grass, it’s because he’s badly injured physically and mentally unstable at that present point :P But, the same thing wouldn’t happen with other Gifts. His Gift is about life or whatever so he can grow stuff using his life, or blood. Other Gifts lose control in other ways :P

    Lol, I like how 256 gets awesome points for failing at things :P Heh heh, there’s still a few more cliffhangers before the end of the story. I can't resist it: *evil laughter*

    Commented on: August 13, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    I guess I was right about adoption. Although I didn’t know that lesbian couples can’t adopt, that’s not very nice. But I suppose with their pasts it probably wouldn’t make a difference even if one was a guy :P I wonder what it is that Kayla found out about Snow… I’d say it would be something like she was in an accident and got a disability or something, but then Kayla said she was healthy, so… I really don’t have any idea :P The way Kayla said it made it seem like it was something bad, but… If she’s healthy and happy, how bad could it be? xD

    Huh, I can’t say I expected Cooper and Alana to (possibly) adopt Sophia. I suppose their pasts are a lot more adoption friendly. Although they’re still pretty young, which might give them some trouble. But I suppose Sophia’s older, so maybe that will mean their age doesn’t matter so much (but, I know nearly nothing about adoption and how it works, really :P)

    And Frozen. Good choice, I must say :P

    Commented on: August 12, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Sorry it’s been a while since I last commented O.o

    I’m worried for Bianca after reading this chapter, because Xavier said that dead people don’t come back to life for very long… But then, Jason died/nearly died to bring her back to life, so maybe it isn’t the same as these zombies or whatever they are, because I assume for them it was only a temporary thing.

    I’d forgotten about the new setahr. I think she’s Mary, because she was all mysterious and must be powerful to enter people’s dreams and whatnot. Although, I wonder why Amisto said that they couldn’t see her/him. If there were zombies everywhere in Draida, wouldn’t that be something that they were interested in? I mean, I know they were focused on Jason, but they’re probably connected, so… I’m a bit confused as to what a setahr actually does :P

    And lastly I’m really wondering about Alex. Now he’s changed the way he looks… Maybe he’s actually a different person, and that’s why he acts differently and has gone evil or whatever. Still, if it is really him making the decisions, I wonder why he wanted to kill Jason. I know Jason annoyed him that one time, but still. It’s a bit extreme to nearly get him killed. Or maybe he’s telling the truth, and he really did only mean to give him a strength potion, but that seems unlikely.

    “He started to close the door before realizing that it made him look suspicious” I know this is picky, but how did Xavier know that Alex closed the door because it made him look suspicious? xD I know it’s probably because he looked like he did, or gave some indication, but that bugged me for some reason.

    “I looked him in the eyes” “I patted him reassuringly” Xavier called Sadie a him… And Amisto did too: "Calm down, boy.”

    Commented on: August 11, 2014

  • Gifted

    Lol, I’m glad their reunion was good xD I felt so much pressure, because people had been looking forward to it for a long time, and I thought people would expect them to have a dramatic mid battle meeting or something like that instead of what it was. 256 isn’t the suavest of people, is he? :P Let’s just say there’s going to be quite a few more cliffhangers before this story ends, sorry *evil laughter*

    When I was writing about Samantha and 805 I was like, “this is really obvious, isn’t it?”, so I just decided it wasn’t worth making a big effort to hide it :P Hence all the hints and the lack of red herrings. Although I did seem to manage some unintentional ones – a lot of people were convinced 805 was 256’s dad, which I found rather interesting :P Anyway, that’s the main reason I revealed it the minute they met, instead of dragging it out, because it’s more supposed to be about how it effects the characters instead of the shock factor, although it’s always a plus to have that too :P But surprisingly less people have figured it out than I thought would.

    I think pissed is an appropriate word ;) And yeah, they’re not going to have any “sweet” moments for a while, if they ever do at all :P Samantha kind of hates him, and they’re not the most touchy-feely people anyway (particularly Samantha, and 805 isn’t unless he knows them well).

    Commented on: August 10, 2014

  • Gifted

    I wonder what you’ll think of the next chapter. Quite a lot of stuff happens in that one, so I’m always nervous about it. I’m glad you liked the title thing too. Sorry these comments are short, I have to go to work very soon :P

    Commented on: August 9, 2014

  • Gifted

    They have planned this attack better than the last one, but who knows? Anything could go wrong :P

    Heh, I felt kind of mean deliberately injuring 805 but it had to be done :P Otherwise, Janelle and Co. (except maybe Samantha) wouldn’t stand much of a chance against him ;)

    Commented on: August 9, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    It was nice (well, it was sad, but you know what I mean :P) to see Kayla’s more vulnerable side in this chapter. Plus it really highlighted the role reversal in their relationship – at the beginning of the story, Ariana was the more vulnerable one, but now they both seem about the same, sometimes vulnerable, sometimes not. It's good, as it means they're on more equal ground now.

    Anyway, I’m wondering what’s going to happen. Will Sophia be adopted by Ariana and Kayla? I don't know, as I said before it seems so obvious... Now I think about it, adoption agencies (at least, if they’re anything like they are here) are pretty strict… With Ariana’s past and stuff, would they let her adopt? I’m not sure :P

    Sorry for being slow with my comments lately, by the way. I’m rather busy with tests and assignments at this present moment in time.

    Commented on: August 7, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    It’s sad how Bianca seems to have lost most of her hope and optimism and stuff in such a short space of time. She did need a wake-up call, but... I hope she’ll gain some of her trustingness back, as not trusting anyone is as bad as trusting everyone. She and Sadie really need to find that happy medium ;)

    Anyway, I don’t think this chapter was confusing, at least not to me. Are the alternate interpretations meant to be about Yozka’s motivation? I’m not really sure if he was telling the truth, and whether he really is doing this for Bianca’s good or whatever. Sure, it teaches her a lesson, but why would he help her? I suppose he might have an ulterior motive, but I’m not sure what it is if he does have one :P

    Surely a week must have passed by now, so maybe Jason really is dead :( But, I’m sure they’ll be able to get him back somehow, even though they’ll probably have to make a sacrifice of some sort to save him. But then, they would probably have to do that even if he was still alive. I hope Bianca can get herself out of this situation and meet up with Xavier and Sadie, so they can save him together. I’m not certain if Bianca “loves” Jason (because, I think love is a strong word and she doesn’t know him well enough, plus magic could still be involved), but she does care about him and stuff so I hope she realises it wasn’t her fault he “died”.

     “I am stripping you of your innocence” xD I don’t know, perhaps I just have a really dirty mind, but I found that line hilarious and creepy. I know that’s not what he meant (or did he? Probably not :P) but I must say that line made me go, “woooooaaaahh” and freaked me out a bit, for Bianca’s sake. And he’d taken her to his house, and stuff… I think I watch too many crime shows :P

    The emotions in this chapter were good, but I think you could add more and it would be really effective. It’s little details (like the ones you did have, such as her covering her face with her hands), but if some more were inserted between Bianca’s thoughts and things her revelations could be more powerful. I mean, how does she express her emotions, if that makes sense? It would make things seem less abrupt, if you know what I mean. I’m sorry, I’m bad at explaining it.

    There was some repetition when Bianca was saying how everything was her fault, she said they had a week to save Jason twice in a very short space of time.

     “I closed me eyes in frustration” Bianca was talking like Skylos for a bit :P

    Commented on: August 7, 2014

  • Gifted

    Lol, 805’s kind of an oddball sometimes. If he doesn’t like someone than he’s really mean and cold, but if he likes them he’s almost overly affectionate :P I like writing about him and 256, because although they are different in many ways there’s also similarities between. There relationship, along with Samantha + Janelle and Wesley + Carey, are among my favourite platonic relationships to write about in this story.

    Sam definitely would not have reacted well if Carey had told her about Janelle and Reagan. She probably would have threatened him, or even punched him or something :P I think she needs to take some anger management classes…

    Commented on: August 4, 2014

  • Gifted

    Thanks for the comment! Haha, the thing about invisibility is something that has always bugged me about that power. I think I’m too literal minded :P

    As for Reagan, keep guessing :P It’ll be quite a long time before his secrets and stuff are revealed.

    Commented on: August 4, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I liked the humour in this chapter. I was totally convinced for a minute that Xavier had found a magical banana, but then it was just Sadie… I felt kind of stupid for falling for it :P Although, I’m glad he found her quickly so they can get on with rescuing Bianca ;) I liked seeing how Sadie does actually care about Bianca again. I hope if they save Bianca she’ll open up more to her, and Jason too if they find him. I feel kind of sorry for her (but, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to :P) when she says stuff like “I can't do anything right”, even though that’s a bit of an exaggeration. Maybe that’s because I think I can relate to her, as I often feel like that too.

    I liked the ending too. I get the feeling something exciting is going to happen soon, perhaps something completely unexpected. But I’m not sure if I’m supposed to know what they’re going to do, because I don’t :P Am I just stupid, or is it supposed to be ambiguous?

    Anyway, something I thought could perhaps use more detail, was when Sadie slapped him. I know Xavier’s blaming himself and stuff, but he didn’t seem to notice at all, just continuing on as if he was just replying to her speech. Maybe just make him comment on how his cheek hurts, or something? I don’t know, just a thought.

     “clenched her fist” Another spot I found where the first word/few words seemed to missing.

     Anyway, I probably won’t be able to comment again until at least this weekend. I’m kind of stressed out at the moment.

    Commented on: August 4, 2014

  • Cursed

    Lol, J K Rowling… I don’t think I’m quite at her standard, somehow ;) Anyway, thanks for the kind comments, I’m glad the plot is interesting.

    Well, they did go to the village for a mission (to get supplies). But it’s not particularly dangerous, and they weren’t planning on having to fight someone, so even though they still had a job to do it was relaxing and allowed them to get away from the rebellion for a bit. Maybe I should call it a job or something instead, to distinguish it from their usual missions :P

    I’m glad the details were okay, even though there were some things (like their clothes) that I forgot about. I tried to be more descriptive than usual in this chapter, but I don’t think I’m very good at it :P The woman’s weapon was essentially a spear with a steel blade on the pointy end, but Carey has never seen a spear like that before so she keeps calling it a stick :P And the man’s was a bow, with the jewels and stuff. As for his hair, I did make that a bit confusing. He has long hair for a guy, but his hair is still in short braid in comparison to say, Carey’s hair (if she braided it).  

    Commented on: August 3, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    It’s interesting how Bianca is beginning to question her love for Jason. I wonder if she was magically influenced, like he was, or whether she did fall in love with him at first sight or whatevs. I think there’s probably magic involved, being the cynical old lady I am :P Still, even if she doesn’t “love” him, I think she does care about him a lot (like Sadie does).

    I feel sorry for her at the end – her trusting nature finally got her in trouble, which it was going to eventually :P I liked those mermaids, I’m kinda sad they were bad guys. But at the same time, I admire her strength, because she didn’t seem too caught up by it and told Xavier what to do calmly. I hope she can learn from her mistakes, but not go all cynical like Sadie ;)

    It seems to me like they keep getting close to finding Calvin, but then something always stops them. I wonder if they’ll eventually find him, and what will happen. I think it will be something exciting. It’s sad if he really is in a bad mood because he misses Jason.

    The mermaid they were talking to kept switching between being called Selena and Serena.

    I also found it odd when Selena/Serena referred to Calvin as Calvin, when she had just not known who they were talking to until they said his real name. I would have thought she would have called him Okeanos here: “Calvin isn't the most approachable guy." Plus for the rest of the chapter she kept calling him Okeanos, except that one spot.

    And I’m sorry for being really nerdy, but a leafy sea dragon is not a seahorse. They are in the same family as seahorses, but it is its own, separate genus and isn’t a species of seahorse.  And as Selena/Serena is a mermaid and lives underwater, she should know her marine creatures :P Also, I think this chapter could use a bit more description – the description you did have was good, but I would have liked some more about the underwater world and what the mermaids looked like too.

    “Do you know who you're talking back?" This sentence confused me. Is it supposed to be talking about? xD And Bianca called Sadie a him: "Get him!"

    Commented on: August 2, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    There was repetition of the word “write” in the first paragraph. I think, overall you don’t have that much repetition (there’s no phrases you seem to repeat a lot or anything) but sometimes you’ll say the same thing in a single paragraph without using another word to describe it.

    I also kind of found it strange, when Sadie said “I know I don’t show it, but I care about her. She and Jason would make a great couple”. It’s not the fact she says she cares about her, it’s the part where she says she and Jason would make a great couple. I don’t know why this bugged me, it just seemed a really odd thing to say lol. Couldn’t she think of another reason she cares about Bianca? xD

    Also when Liz said: “She's a young woman. We tend to get all worked up about that kind of thing," It sounds like she’s excluding Sadie, even though she is also a young woman.

    Huh, I see why Liz was all of a sudden wanting to poison a random kid now. So she was testing Sadie, the cunning woman. I’m not being sarcastic, by the way. For some reason that sentence sound sarcastic when I read it in my head, but it’s not. I like how she was offering Sadie advice, and I wonder if she'll ever figure out the moral of the story she told her and act on it ;)

    I’m still very curious about what role Noah will play in the story. I don’t think he’ll be a villain, but I’m not quite sure how he will be a hero, either. I wonder how long I’ll have to wait to find out ;) I don’t think his role will be revealed for a while. Still, I hope he visits Liz at some point, so she can see he’s okay.

    Also,, it’s nice to see how Sadie has changed after the thing with Dorian. She seems more trusting, even if she hasn’t realised it, like when she ate the cake despite her doubts. And how she apologized to Liz, too.

    Commented on: August 1, 2014

  • The Diamond Thief

    It’s sad that Emma has become estranged from her parents. I hope one day their relationship will go back to normal (I like heartwarming, cheesy stuff like that ;P). I mean, I can’t really blame them – Emma’s job is surely dangerous, so any parent would worry about their daughter’s wellbeing. Still, I hope they’re able to see that it’s what she wants to do.

    Aw, so he was dead. My theories of kidnapping and rescues are crushed… xD Still, Emma’s reaction to his death was so sad and emotional :( Sorry, I’m a bit of a sap… Anyway, General Wanat seems a bit creepy… I guess he’s going to stir up some trouble later. Perhaps he has something to do with the diamond thief.

    There were a few more instances of repetition – when Emma was examining his body, you said “couldn’t” a lot. It’s not a big deal or anything (neither was the stuff I pointed out in the last chapter) but it would help to improve the flow of the story a bit, because for me repeated words are distracting. Also, you never say the word “said” in your dialogue – of course, variation is good, but dialogue should be able to speak for itself, and saying said once in a while is simpler.

    Commented on: August 1, 2014

  • The Diamond Thief

    There were a few instances of repetition (for example, you said that she “didn’t see eye to eye” with someone twice in one paragraph). Also, when General McLean greeted the two detectives – I think you should either make him call them by their last names or their first names, it feels more natural that way, far more like what someone would say. Their full names are given in the very next sentence, so it’s unnecessary.

    Although I enjoyed finding out more about Emma, I feel like you were “telling” us a little too much about her lone wolf status and general personality when the General was thinking about her. I’d much rather be able to figure this out from her actions, if you know what I mean. Also, it was kind of creepy, when a man I presumed to be a lot older was talking about how beautiful she was and wondering how she was single… I know it probably wasn’t intentional, but it made me blink :P

    Still, I like the plot so far. I definitely didn’t expect him to get killed/captured (there’s no body yet, so he could very well be alive! ;P). It’s a bit of a common genre (teen detective) but so far there’s been enough to convince me that you’ll have your own, original take on the formula. I like Emma, although we haven’t seen much of her yet she seems like an interesting character. So far I’m enjoying it and looking forward to reading more :)

    Commented on: August 1, 2014

  • Gifted

    As for Wesley, I’m glad he’s likeable. I was worried people would hate him for being mean to 256 :P But, as you said as far as Wesley knows 256 could have done a number of unsavoury things to her.

    As for her son, I forgot about him until I went back to rewrite that chapter Then I was like, oh yeah, him… xD I’ll try and remember him this time as I go through ;) I’ll probably end up killing him in the fire, which is kinda sad for him. Poor kid.

    Commented on: July 31, 2014

  • Cursed

    Oh, and I forgot to say. The reason why I dislike this chapter (and the last one), at least Carey’s portions, is because… Nothing much happens in them, and I don’t like including filler, but Carey’s plot doesn’t start properly until the next chapter (which I hope is interesting) because of timing and stuff. Plus I just feel like the chapters don’t fit together well. I guess it’s not that there’s any particular event that I don’t like, I just… I don’t know :P I feel slightly reassured, but they still bug me a lot. Oh well.

    Commented on: July 31, 2014

  • Cursed

    Samantha calls him Alexander because that is his name :P Only Janelle calls him Alex. At least, that’s been my intention – I may have accidently made Carey or someone call him Alex before, but it’s supposed to be only Janelle.  As for Reagan, he didn’t know about Alex specifically, but he knows she has a kid so when Samantha mentions a dude using her (having just accused him of doing the same thing) it isn’t hard for him to figure out who he is. Lol, and he’s definitely not a very nice person, that Alex :P I vote we both kill him.

    And although I don’t usually like correcting theories, I have to say that Samantha isn’t in love with Thomas :P I’m not promoting incest. Samantha is more attached to him than usual because she sees it as her responsibility to keep him safe and stuff. Plus she didn’t really have any friends aside from her family. You’re not really “supposed” to know what Reagan meant (but, I expect some people to figure it out. I’m not saying you’re stupid or anything for not, it’s more of a “life experience” thing :P). Carey assumes she’s crying because of Thomas again, but really she’s not (at least, not completely).

    And about Carey thinking 256 is still alive – even though Marvin told her he was dying, she is just trying to convince herself he was wrong. In her heart, she “knows” he’s dead (even though he isn’t). As for 256, hmm… He was pretty confused in this chapter. I don’t think he’s really thinking about where she is right now, he just thinks: Carey's gone, I’m alone :P But, I should make his opinions about Carey at this present moment clearer, even if he’s confused :P

    Commented on: July 31, 2014

  • Gifted

    Thanks for the comment! Haha, you're definitely not the first person to compare this story to the Hunger Games ;) People also compare it to Divergent and Avatar the Last Airbender. I'll try and comment on your story in return later, when I have time.

    Commented on: July 30, 2014

  • Under the Milky Way: Repulse Prelude

    This chapter makes me think that the girl in the car accident was someone else, not her, because she said she was grieving. Unless she was driving, and whoever else was in the car died, I could see that too :P In fact, I think that could be it, or something to that effect.

    Anyway, this is something I’ve noticed but keep forgetting to mention about this story and the other one as well. Most of your characters (at least, the main ones) are all very pretty/handsome/beautiful, etc. I don’t know, I think I’m just weird, but I think having someone be beautiful kind of loses its impact if everyone is a knockout, you know? Plus for me having characters be plain or even just on the good looking side of average makes them more relatable. And then when you have a character who is supposed to be exceptionally beautiful, it’s more noticeable. It’s a small thing, but I thought I’d mention it anyway.

    I also find it odd that Jake didn’t recognise Abigail straight away, when surely not much time had passed. He seemed pretty impressed with her in the last chapter, so I found that a bit strange.

    I’m curious about their mission, too. I’m still a bit lost with the sci-fi stuff, but that’s more because I’m unused to reading sci-fi than any fault in the story, so feel free to correct me if I get something wrong :P It seems very odd that the Command would send them on an apparently very important mission in an old, rundown spaceship. I guess they must have a reason for it, but for the life of me I don’t know what it could be ;) Plus, they sent Abby, even though she’s a deserter or whatever. I sense a conspiracy! ;)

    Commented on: July 30, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    Haha, that was satisfying. Adrian definitely deserved that knee to the groin ;) It’s nice to see Ariana finally being brave enough to stand up to her father. It’s good that she’s not as scared, and is able to deny him what he wants. Even by doing the transplant and saving his life she’s defying him, because he said he didn’t want her to. I felt proud of her :P

    Like I thought, Adrian hasn’t changed one bit, but Ariana has. I hope that if he survives and they meet again one day, she’s able to be as strong as she was in this chapter. Anyway, overall I’ve really enjoyed Ariana’s transformation, particularly since she got her memories back. She may think she isn’t brave, but she has managed to use a bad experience (bit of an understatement there :P) to make herself grow and change for the better. Most people would retreat into their own shells if something like what happened to her happened to them, but Ariana’s managed to get through it. I admire her.

    Commented on: July 30, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Xavier’s POV was very entertaining, particularly his crush on Bianca. Sorry, Xavier, I don’t think you have a chance ;) I think you do a good job of making your characters have distinct personalities, and even if you didn’t say who’s POV the chapter was from it’s easy to tell from their narration (unless it’s a character who’s never had a POV chapter before :P). I wonder why he doesn’t know magic. Maybe he’s just really bad at it or something :P But then, none of the other characters are total experts, so I don’t know why he would be embarrassed about that, which he seemed to be. But then, I suppose he doesn’t know that :P

    I feel sorry for Bianca, because it was (at least, as far as she knows) her nephew who was behind Jason’s death/near death. I really wonder what Alex’s motivation is (if he isn’t being possessed, which I still think is likely). He seemed like an okay guy before. Still, I wonder if they’ll get to fight some zombies at some point. That would be cool :P

    Anyway, there wasn’t really much I could find to nitpick about, but there is one thing that confused me – how did Xavier’s parents know what was going on in Draida? I got the impression that all the towns were kind of separated, but do they have some sort of communication between them?

    And Bianca called Sadie a he here: “He didn't want to join me anymore though. He thinks everyone is an evil monster and said that I was too trusting." Xavier did too: "Who is he? I'll kick him for you,”

    Commented on: July 30, 2014

  • Gifted

    If 3349 had been there, 805 would be in big trouble :P He might have a chance of lying his way out of it (because, he has a lot more respect in the Council than she does) but even if he managed to escape punishment he’d lose a lot of his power.

    As for Wesley, he hasn’t been sitting on his butt since Carey was taken away ;) I’ve tried really hard to make sure people remember him, because I feared they might forget as he hasn’t appeared since the beginning.

    And you’re right about Janelle. Quite a few people have mentioned that :P I didn’t think of it when I wrote it, but it seems obvious now. I must not have a very strategic mind.

    Same with 3349’s number – I think it’s difficult to remember because there’s four digits instead of three. I don’t want to change her number, because it’s weird if they all have three as theoretically there would be more than 1000 Gifted. But a lot of people have commented her number is hard to remember, so I think I’ll probably have to change it :P I’ll probably drop one of the threes or something. And that way her number could fit in with my 4/13 obsession, as 3+4+9=16 :P

    Commented on: July 29, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I like the details in this chapter. Like Sadie, I had forgotten completely about Amy and how Sadie was going to teach her magic :P I really liked how you mentioned that. Also how Dorian’s house was run-down and not well looked after compared to the rest of Odom – I think that was a very good way of showing his character. I liked your descriptions of the frog too.

    However, Sadie’s change of heart was seemed a bit sudden to me. She sure had a lot of revelations in one chapter, and I wasn’t sure if it was a completely natural transition. I mean, it made sense for her to realise how she’d been mean to everyone and stuff from seeing how Dorian was the same, but… I don’t know, she only spoke to him for a short while, but at the end she said she had a lot in common with him, as if they knew each other really well. I mean, on the surface, sure, they’re similar, but who knows? His situation could be completely different from hers. Maybe if you lengthened this chapter a bit, it might help. In a way I felt like her epiphany lacked depth, and there wasn’t enough reasons for her to have one, if that makes sense.

    Some of the things confused me too – although Amisto was helpful in helping her get a house and stuff, why did he make her live alone when she got older? She would still have been only a kid… I mean, if they didn’t get on or something I can understand him not wanting them to live together, but Sadie said he wouldn’t let her live with anyone else either. That’s not very nice :P I mean, she should be grateful to him for helping her, but making her live alone was kind of mean. Particularly if she thinks no one wants to live with her.

    Overall I kind of got the impression she was being too hard on herself, acting like she’s the worst person in the world when to me she just seems really lonely. I mean, sure, she’s treated some people badly and isn’t very humble, but then there isn’t many people in the world who haven’t done things like that :P Even Jason, who she was saying is the greatest person ever and stuff, was kinda mean to Alex in Hunting Amaatlik :P I hope Sadie will be able to become proper friends with Bianca now, and start to trust people a bit more.

     “some guy who lives alone”

    Commented on: July 29, 2014

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! Carey’s POV in this chapter (and the one after) is rather… dodgy. I’ve rewritten her part in this chapter like four times already, but it still doesn’t seem right. Same with the next one. I’m really nervous about that one, actually. It’s because her plot is waiting for something to happen, but it can’t happen yet, and I keep changing my mind about what should happen in the meantime. Anyway, I apologize in advance for the poor quality of Carey’s part in the next chapter (and this one too :P).

    Anyway, Samantha when said she’s good at being insensitive she wasn’t bragging about it. It’s more like she’s acknowledging it’s something she does, but she isn’t happy about it. If that makes sense.

    Commented on: July 28, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    I was glad that Ariana told Cooper about her past. I must admit I’d forgotten that he didn’t know :P His reaction was how I would expect, just like Ariana said. I’m excited for the next chapter. I wonder what her dad will say. He’ll probably still show no remorse, like when Kayla met him that time. I’d be very surprised if he suddenly had a change of heart :P Still, I wonder what Ariana will say to him, I have no idea.

    And poor Mike! To be honest, I’m not sure if this is a good development, though, storywise. I can tell Sophia’s probably going go live with them, but… I don’t know. It seems a bit… I’m not sure how to explain it, but it seems like you’re killing off poor old Mike just so Ariana and Kayla can have a kid. I don’t know why, but it makes me a bit uncomfortable. I’m sorry if I’m wrong, by the way.

    Commented on: July 27, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Yay, Xavier’s back! I really like his character, and I found it funny when he corrected Bianca about his age :P I’m excited, because hopefully they’ll be able to find Calvin and then he can help them find and save Jason. Speaking of Jason, I wonder what’s happening to him. Is he dead, or a ghost, or whatever? Somehow I think I probably won’t find out for a while ;)

    It was interesting to learn more about the world the story is set in (Mericia, Kanuda, Wesico… Somehow those sound vaguely familiar :P). I’m wondering about the last names thing. Who has last names? Is it the nobility only, like in the past? But then there’s been no indication of a “traditional” nobility so far, but then Xavier and Bianca know what they are then somebody must have them :P If Sadie really is royalty then maybe she actually does have a last name.

    It was funny when Bianca said pigs were pink. I’ve seen a fair amount of pigs in my time, and a lot of them aren’t very pink at all. They’re a variety of colours, some of them are even more brown or black. Sorry for being such an animal nerd. Anyway, in the paragraph where Bianca was talking about animals, the word “animal” was used a lot in a short space of time. Like I did just then. And also, a group of chickens is called a flock, not a herd :P Bianca might not know this, but I think flock is a pretty common word, so… xD

    I found it odd when Bianca said she was not practicing magic as a ghost, but… didn’t she use magic before? I can’t quite remember, but I have a vague memory of her using it while still a ghost.

    Anyway, about the pacing – I think it has picked up again in the last few chapters. There have been some interesting developments, like in the last chapter with Sadie’s parents and this one with Xavier returning. It was mainly the chapters when they first got to Odom that were a little slow, but it was only for a few chapters.I don’t think it’s a major concern, just perhaps there should be less of a drop in pace between the chapter with the orisk and Liz’s chapter.

    Commented on: July 27, 2014

  • Callie Cameron - Country Chaos

    I’m curious about this Bruce guy. I don’t think he’s the shadow rider, it’s too early in the story for his identity to be revealed ;) And it would be a bit obvious. But perhaps he knows something about who he is. I wonder what will happen when Carol comes to cover for Lilly Ann :P I’m curious to see her in person.

    When  you’re using numbers in a story, it’s best to be consistent. In this chapter you used both “2” and “two” in a short space of time. I think it’s better to use the word for small numbers, although if it’s a large one like 100 or something using the number is okay. Anyway, whichever you use should be consistent.

    Anyway, like before your grammar has improved a lot :) You’re still missing a few full stops where they should be in dialogue, but aside from that there’s not recurring errors. Anyway, make sure when you have someone speaking like this:

    "It's a 69 GTO convertible." Lilly Ann responded "That thing's got CI barrel engine."

    There should be a full stop after responded, as a new sentence is started.

    Commented on: July 27, 2014

  • Gifted

    On paper Samantha might seem like a good leader, because she’s obviously tough and determined. But, there’s more to being a leader than being strong, and she really can't inspire anyone to do anything, while Janelle is more relatable, I suppose you could say :P As for 805, you find out a bit of his secrets in the next few chapters :P

    Actually, I’m really looking forward to seeing what you think of the next chapter and the one after (for various reasons). The chapter after the next was one I was looking forward to writing for ages :P So yes, something big is going to happen very soon… But it’s probably not what you’re expecting :3

    Commented on: July 27, 2014

  • Cursed

    She’s sharing a bed with them because there’s only three beds in the house. Thomas and 256 are occupying two of them, and Samantha refuses to leave Thomas. So Janelle, despite the awkwardness, has to share with Marvin and Reagan (or now, just Marvin). That’s mentioned in the next chapter.

    I agree, the thing with the right hand is confusing. I should definitely reword it, or something. I’ll figure it out :P

    Anyway, Carey and Samantha were definitely being jerks in this chapter. They’re both really upset, and they’re not thinking rationally.

    And I’m glad you liked the kiss lol. I’m not very good at writing romance (at least, not kiss scenes and stuff like that. I think I’m okay at the emotions), so I’m happy it’s okay and the emotions and symbolism got through. I do have a question – originally I was going to make this happen at the end of Gifted,under different circumstances, obviously, but other than that it was the same. But there wasn’t really room, so I cut it out… When I was writing this chapter I was really unsure if it fits here. Do you think it’s okay or should I move it back?

    I’m glad you liked Janelle’s characterisation. I tried hard to subvert expectations of the three main characters based on their character types, so I’m glad Janelle’s is working, and her hair is kind of medium length :P 256 is supposed to subvert the typical male lead of young adult novels, where they’re always brooding, angsty bad boys who are all tall and handsome and stuff. So I made him young looking and short and not really a bad boy at all :P And Carey, too, because she’s the “tough and feisty” female main character but at the same time, deep down she really wants people to like her. Although I’m not sure if that worked.

    Sorry for rambling, btw, and making you read this really long reply :P

    Commented on: July 26, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Oh, that was interesting. I’m glad we finally got to find out what happened to Sadie’s family. Well, sort of :P I thought they’d died or something, but they actually left her… I wonder where they are now, and if that orisk knew them (and how he knew them :P). It’s sad she thought that Jason would be disgusted if he found out about her situation, even though he obviously wouldn't.

    The thing with Dorian seemed a bit random. I wonder if it will have some significance later in the story, and if Sadie will go through with the magic cake thing. I also found it odd that Liz would suggest something like that, but then the characters thought it was strange too so I think it must be important later on.

    I have a few questions about this chapter though – how young was Sadie when her parents left? Because, if she only has one memory of her parents she must have been very young. Kids that young can’t really look after themselves that well, even if they have an adult checking up on them occasionally and providing them with food, etc, I don’t really see how a young kid could manage completely on their own for so long. Or did Amisto actually stay and look after her for a while? Or someone else? It seems strange that he’d just leave her alone to fend for herself.

    I also found it a bit strange that Liz kicked Sadie out of the house. Even if she was on Bianca’s side, she didn’t seem like the sort of person who’d kick someone out and make them sleep outside. I mean, what if Sadie was mugged or something, or got lost? She is in an unfamiliar town, after all.

    "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, DORIAN?" More capitals… I’m sorry, I know I’m weird :P Oh, and Sadie is a him: “Make him stop!"

    Btw, I posted up the first two chapters of the sequel to Gifted, if you’d like to read it.

    Commented on: July 25, 2014

  • Gifted

    Haha, up until now Janelle really hasn’t given any thought as to what they’re going to do after :P The nonGifted have no knowledge of government, so it will be difficult for them.

    As for the history of the Gifted and the island… There isn’t really much about that in this book, but there may be some in the sequel :P But there is a reason why they are known as “Gifted” instead of something else.

    Commented on: July 24, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I like the details, like Bianca calling the wick a string thingy in the wax of a candle :P I like it because it shows the characters don’t know everything. I found it funny when Sadie corrected Bianca when she said they were on a mission, even though it really doesn’t make all that much of a difference :P Also when she corrected her when Bianca said Jason was her boyfriend. I like how this story doesn’t have any love triangle drama or anything like that. I bet a lot of people expect when there’s two girls and one guy as main characters for there to be one, but I’m really, really, really glad there isn’t, because love triangles are annoying :P Sorry for rambling, by the way.

    I felt very sorry for Liz in this chapter. She seems so lonely. I hope her son and husband come back home someday, or she goes and meets them. I wonder why they never visited her.

    Anyway, in this chapter I felt again that some sentences should be combined. Not so much because they’re too short this time, but because I think it would make more sense. Like this one:

     “I guess there were a lot of scholars in Odom, or maybe they just liked a good story. There were a lot of people at the library.” I think it would make more sense if they were combined, as the first sentence is the reason why there are a lot more people. Or they could be reversed, either will do :P Sorry if that doesn’t make sense, by the way.

    Anyway, during the part with Andrew when he turned into a woman, I was a little confused as to who was who when you were using “she”. In that part I think you should probably use their names more. There was one point when I thought it sounded like Sadie talking, but Andrew had been called she in the previous line so I got confused :P

    Haha, I found it interesting when they were surprised there was a little boy in the library. Maybe I just live in  really booky (it’s totally a word :P) place, because there’s always heaps of kids at my local library when I go there :P Anyway, it sounded like a cool place. I hope they manage to find some more information about Jason.

    There were a few more spots in this chapter where the first part of a sentence at the start of the paragraph was lost. It seems to happen quite often, so maybe it’s something to do with this site.

    “Sadie gave me his warning look, as if he was saying,”

    Commented on: July 23, 2014

  • Day and Age

    Thanks for the comment! Haha, those errors are so embarrassing… I’ll fix them :P

    I’m glad the psychological stuff is good. And 256 and Jake do have quite a few similarities :P I think that’s because I’m honestly not that great at writing from a male character’s perspective, so they always seem to end up being really girly :P

    Commented on: July 22, 2014

  • Under the Milky Way: Repulse Prelude

    I can’t say I’ve ever read/watched much sci-fi (although I am a massive Doctor Who fan, but then that’s like the sci-fi thing everyone has seen, along with Star Wars :P). There’s no real reason, I just never really got into it. So I’m going to apologize in advance if I get confused about things easily :P Anyway, I really enjoyed reading it, it was like a new experience for me.

    The “bedtime story” opening seemed a little cliché, but it provided a lot of interesting information. The interaction between the child and her grandma was entertaining and made the information easier to process. And the part where the kid was like, “you sound like an opening monologue!” Well… xD

     One thing I found funny, is that Abigail was listening to a song made recently in our time, but this story is in the future so wouldn’t it have been long forgotten, and they would have new songs to listen to instead? I mean, she could be a fan of the classics, but I’m not sure if that song is popular enough to have survived over a thousand years :P

    Haha. It’s funny how Abigail has the same last name as Ariana :P I have a habit of reusing last names in my stories as well :P I wonder what happened to her. Maybe she was the girl in the car crash, or perhaps it was someone she knew and they died. So far she seems very mysterious :P

    I also liked Jake. It’s funny how dorky he was when talking to Abby at first. I like dorky characters best, so he captured my sympathy instantly at that moment :P I wonder what his mission is. Somehow I get the feeling it’s the same one those dudes decided Abby would command ;) I guess it probably has something to do with the Arcturus project the grandma talked about in the prologue.

    Commented on: July 21, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I still think Alex was being possessed or something, and that’s why he gave Jason that potion. I know he was annoyed at Jason when he was mean to him in his shop, but getting him to kill/nearly kill himself by bringing Bianca back is a bit extreme :P Plus his sudden Brotishness makes me think it wasn’t really the same guy from the last book.

    The pace of these last two chapters seemed a little slow compared to the rest of the story so far, but I think something big is about to happen so it’s probably okay. I’m anxiously awaiting what happens next, because I feel like it’ll be something completely unexpected. It’s funny how they were using the book to help them. I wonder if they’ll read about that chapter where Jason annoyed Alex and suspect him. Sadie might, but I don’t think Bianca will :P

    I found it a bit strange that Sadie didn’t seem to question who Mary was and why she told Bianca to go to Odom. Overall she seemed pretty chill about it, but I thought when she found out that some stranger sent them to Odom she would be as untrusting as usual. I mean, she seemed to be a bit suspicious, like at the end when Bianca asked her if she trusted Mary and she said no, but not like she had before.

    It was also weird when Bianca said, “you know what Mary said…” to Sadie. Before she thought it was best not to tell Sadie about Mary, but now she’s saying things like that as if she’s forgotten completely that she wasn't going to tell her.

    I also found it odd when Sadie said “We’re magic”. You’d think she would say, “we know magic” or something like that. I’m not sure how sorcerers see themselves, maybe they think they are the magic, but I thought I’d point it out anyway :P

    Commented on: July 21, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I’m glad Noah was mentioned again. I feel kind of sorry for Liz, left all alone in Odom. She seems like a nice lady. I wonder why he never visited her. That seems a bit mean :P I’m really curious about how he’s going to be involved in the story. At the moment I think he’ll probably be one of the good guys, although I could also see him turning out to be a villain. It’s good that Sadie and Bianca made it to Odom. I felt kind of sorry for Sadie, when she wasn’t talking and stuff. I’m really looking forward to what happens next, because I don’t have much of an idea.

    Sometimes, I feel like your transitions between things are a bit abrupt. Like when Liz was thinking of how Noah and Larry disappeared, and all she had left was memories, and then suddenly she was like, ‘Well, it was time to start dinner’. I think that could be a bit more fluent, maybe describing something that made her remember about dinner.

    I also felt this chapter could use more description. Particularly the first part, without Sadie and Bianca, as there wasn’t much going on. I think it could add to the sadness of Liz being all alone if you described more about her house, or just something to add to the atmosphere.

    Also, there was a spot where Liz called Sadie and Bianca “you guys” which for me seemed an odd thing for her to say. But I did like the way you indirectly described her age, when she struggled to get up. I also liked how even though both Bianca and Sadie remained un-named for a large portion of the conversation with Liz, your characterisation was good so it was easy to tell who was who.

    Anyway, I have to go back to school tomorrow so my comments will probably become slower again, but I should still be able to comment at least once every other day for the foreseeable future, although I’ll probably get busier later in the semester. I'll be able to comment again tomorrow though :)

    Commented on: July 20, 2014

  • Gifted

    Samantha’s one of those characters that people either like a lot or don’t like at all. She’s meant to be kind of intimidating and perfect (in terms of looks and strength and stuff), but then inside she’s still a person.  Anyway, I’m glad she’s likable :P I’ve considered making her a POV character a few times (after all her secrets are revealed) but I didn’t want to upset the gender ratio so I decided against it :P

    Hehe, I must say I never thought of that… Now I’ll never be able to edit that scene without cracking up xD

    Commented on: July 20, 2014

  • Day and Age

    Thanks for the comment! Yeah, Bridget and Hannah are blondes. They’re not related to Emma, so they don’t have white hair too :P I’m confused, did I not say that they were her foster family? I thought I did, but some things you said (like saying that Emma and Hannah are quiet and energetic siblings, plus being confused if they had the same hair as her) made me think that maybe I forgot to mention it. Sorry if I did forget.

    And Americans call biscuits cookies, not the other way around!! :P And I wouldn’t call that a tea party lol. They were just sitting down and drinking tea. That's pretty standard behaviour for most people here.

    Anyway, Jake and Dan were walking at first, but then they sat down and got up again to say hi to Emma and Co. They weren’t walking on their butts :P We don’t do that, we ride on kangaroos instead. Duh :P

    And Michael was the “leader” of their group or whatever. Dan’s not as shy as Jake, but not as outgoing as Michael. He acts differently in this chapter, because earlier he was kind of tiptoeing around Jake and now they’re on equal grounds again after all the shenanigans of the last few chapters.

    Commented on: July 19, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    Lol, I definitely would never have picked up on that ;) I just thought she was lying so Kayla didn’t worry, but I went back and reread that part and was like, “oh… that makes much more sense” xD I just realised I did something similar in my own story, which no one has picked up on yet… heh heh heh. I’ll tell you what it is when you read past the chapter where I can without giving spoilers ;) Still, I love little things like that. I call them "reread bonuses" :P

    Haha, this is why I'm glad my mum is a doctor xD I ask her some of the weirdest questions about medicine and stuff for my stories :P I have a bit of medical knowledge myself, but I'm only a beginner (and I know much more about animals, not humans :P)

    That reminds me for some reason, are there any other stories of yours you would like me to read? I'm going back to school soon, so I need something to fuel my procrastination ;)

    Commented on: July 18, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    No, that does make sense, and it is unfair. I was just a bit confused that he would say that, because Bianca didn’t give any indication that she’d be angry. Sorry if that's confusing :P And sorry for the late reply.

    Commented on: July 18, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Hmm, that was an interesting chapter. I wonder why the orisk/Joe called Sadie a princess. Perhaps it has something to do with her missing family? I guess it must :P I wonder who they are. Still, it’s good for Bianca and Sadie, as they can now use Sadie’s, er, connections to get to Odom :P

    It was very amusing too. I liked the part when Bianca tried to get him to talk about himself, but he only told her a very short story :P I don’t really mention this much, but I do really like the humour in this story. I think the humour bits are well written, because they fit into the rest of the story but at the same time they don't lessen the more emotional/serious parts.

    I was a bit confused, though. Why did Joe think that sparing Sadie would make Bianca angry towards the end? I mean, wouldn’t she be happy if she was spared? They’re not really friends but I wouldn’t think that would make her angry.

    Oh, and there were some more capitals: “DO YOU UNDERSTAND”. Sorry, it just bugs me… xD Also, in this chapter there was a paragraph that I think should have been split up, because you switched between dialogue and action a few times. It started with “Do not mock me”

    And another gender thingy: “She cleared his throat”

    Commented on: July 18, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    Overall this was a very emotional chapter. It was a great that Ari managed to be brave enough to open the door, and burn down the house. The ending reminded me of this manga I read (although, the reason why the characters burnt down their house was very different). Still, hopefully now she’ll have the strength to face Adrian. I’m still certain she’ll have the operation, but I’m very interested to see what happens when they meet.

    And Snow! That makes sense now ;) That was definitely not what I’d expected her name to be, but it was a good surprise and definitely seems like something Ari would name her daughter. I’m sure she’ll meet her at some point, although I don’t think they’ll get to live together. It’s sad about Ari’s mother too, but it makes sense that she would want to die. There were so many feels :P

    Although, I’m surprised that Ariana’s hands don’t seem to have any permanent damage aside from scars. I mean, getting your fingers broken at a young age can be quite harmful, because you're still growing and all that. I’m sorry for being such a nerd, by the way… It’s one of those things that bugs me in stories, when medicine and science isn’t accurate. But most people probably wouldn’t care, so feel free to ignore me :P

    Commented on: July 18, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Although Sadie’s an extreme example, I think it would be good for Bianca to learn the consequences of trusting everyone too easily. I have a feeling this might happen with Mary. Perhaps when they get to Odom it’ll be a trap, or something. Although they have to survive their encounter with the orisk, first :P

    Oh, and something I didn’t realise before but I have now. What if Mary was talking about Calvin (the serpent) in the last chapter and she was the one who spoke to him in his mind in the last book? They were female, if I remember correctly…  Oh, she’s even more suspicious now. I’m certain they’re heading into a trap :P

    And I wonder where Skylos went. I’m sure he survived, but… Maybe he was captured, or something. Still, I wonder how he got his hands on an orisk. I hope it’s a good one, but I bet it isn’t. Maybe Calvin or someone will come and save them. Or if the orisk is good, it might help them find Odom.

    Their situation on the boat kind of reminds me of Life of Pi. Except there’s two of them, and instead of a tiger there’s an orisk. Okay, it’s nothing like Life of Pi, but for some reason this chapter reminded me of it :P Sorry for rambling…

    I found it odd that Bianca didn’t seem to realise the bones could be from an orisk straight away. I mean, if she knew an orisk was a gold skeleton guy, wouldn’t she see a large bunch of gold bones and think, “maybe this is an orisk?” I don’t know, maybe I’m weird, but I thought that was strange.

    And how did all of those cans fit on the boat? I kind of imagined it as a small boat, and some bones can get pretty long… Like the femur, or humerus (sorry for being so nerdy…) So the cans must have been quite big. Unless he was tiny? xD Or maybe the bag was magically bottomless, or something. Sorry for reading too much into things, by the way :P I should probably stop saying the first things that pop into my head… xD

    Anyway, here’s some weird wording: “It was getting late, the sun low on the rosy horizon to be replaced by the moon and stars.” I feel like there’s a word missing here somewhere :P

    Commented on: July 17, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Oh, I wonder who that woman is. Perhaps she’s the one possessing Alex (because I think he was possessed, and that’s why he gave Jason that super strong love potion, if it was a love potion :P). It’s interesting if she says she can only visit people’s dreams… It’s hard to know if that body is her usual form, and therefore she’s somehow connected to Jason’s love potion thing, or if she changes form and Bianca imagines her as that woman because she saw her before when Jason used her as an illusion or whatever.

    But then, Mary was also helpful and nice, giving Bianca advice on how to get Sadie to trust people and everything… Maybe she’s actually a good guy. But then why was she there before? xD Still, I think Bianca, like Jason before, is perhaps a bit naïve. I mean, she didn’t seem suspicious at all about Mary, even though she just happened to be the woman Jason used in an illusion the night he died/nearly died.

    I was kind of confused by the ending. Sadie told Bianca they were in the middle of nowhere, like she didn’t already know. But earlier in the chapter she said they were drifting around in the middle of nowhere. I mean, it makes sense that she might not have realised how this would affect her plan, but for me it felt like it was supposed to be some new revelation for the reader but we already knew. Sorry if I’m wrong :P

    Commented on: July 17, 2014

  • Callie Cameron - Country Chaos

    I guess the shadow rider must have some history with Lilly Ann’s relatives. Perhaps they wronged his family in the past? But I have a feeling it was probably  misunderstanding or something :P Anyway, I’m glad that Lilly Ann was okay, and managed to get back up after falling off that cliff :P

    In this chapter I got the feeling that Logan might already know that Lilly Ann and Callie are the same person :P It might just be me reading too much into things… xD

    And again there were a few times when you switched between dialogue and action multiple times in a paragraph (I realise when I wrote about this before I put chapter instead of paragraph… that was a fail on my part xD). As I said it’s easier to read if you split it up.

    Commented on: July 17, 2014

  • Callie Cameron - Country Chaos

    Hey, sorry for taking a while again :P

    The story about Tenanna’s mother was sad. I like how you’ve added some depth to the characters. I’m sure she’s connected to the shadow rider in some way, although I’m not sure how :P

    Anyway, I really liked this chapter. It seemed like a nice, light chapter with some comedy and romance until that ending ;) I’m sure Lilly Ann will be okay, but I bet it was the shadow rider’s work, making her fall off. Somehow they must have figured out she was Callie…

    Also, when you said this: “try and replace the voice that was left” the expression is void, not voice. Once again your grammar has improved. You still miss some full stops in your dialogue, like here:

    "Tell me about it." Lilly Ann agreed "Seems sad."

    There should be a full stop after agreed, because she’s starting a new sentence in her dialogue.

    And like I said, it’s all good about the comments :)

    Commented on: July 17, 2014

  • Day and Age

    Thanks for the comment! Emma was dragging him along. I thought I mentioned that, but I’ll make it clearer :P And the door was open like the others, but it does sound like it was closed, so I’ll make that clearer too.

    And you’re wrong. That was totally deliberate. Jake and Michael had a baby using some weird supernatural thing that will be revealed later. Duh :P

    Anyway, Jake is the main character (obviously :P) but the story is kind of driven by Emma and her supernaturalness if that makes sense :P I’m sorry if it doesn’t, but I don’t know how else to phrase it without giving spoilers.

    Commented on: July 17, 2014

  • Cursed

    Thanks for the comment! :) I was quite nervous about this chapter, so your comments have reassured me :P I considered having more of a timeskip, but it just didn’t work, so I’m happy it’s okay.

    Commented on: July 15, 2014

  • Gifted

    Thanks for the comment! Haha, if 256 was back at the Council they’d (probably) let him go for that. It’s difficult for them because they need the threat of death/punishment to keep the Gifted obedient, but at the same time they have limited numbers (even without the rebels killing them, there's only so many Gifted born each year :P). But at the same time they probably wouldn’t object if 3349 had killed him, because to them he’s a liability.

    Commented on: July 15, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    Well, that was definitely interesting ;) I’m really glad that he didn’t escape lol. As you said, it would have felt like a rehash of Dwayne, and very cliché. Having him be terminally ill is much more interesting… I’m certain Ariana will agree to get the operation. After all, she’s a forgiving person, and she still loves him despite what he’s done. Although I’m like Kayla, glad that he’s possibly dying, I think Ariana’s reaction to this whole situation was very realistic.

    I was kind of confused as to why Ariana, Kayla and a few other people were the only ones on the plane. Maybe it’s because I’m from a small city with a small airport, but aren't flights in the middle of the night almost as full as ones in the day, at least in my experience? I also felt the doctor’s interaction with Ariana was a little weird. I know Adrian’s a patient of his and therefore he wants to get him the best treatment possible, but the way he asked Ariana to do the surgery you’d think he didn’t know what Adrian had done to her, even though he said he did. Maybe he’s just not very empathetic :P

    Commented on: July 15, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Bianca seemed a lot more mature in this chapter. Perhaps it’s because she’s getting used to being alive again after being a ghost for so long. Anyway, it was nice to see her and Sadie (sort of) getting along at last. Sadie’s story was so sad. It’s good, in a way, because I feel like her actions in killing Rudolph make more sense now (before I was confused why she killed him herself). But still, I agree with Bianca. She definitely needs to talk about it some more, and get it off her chest. And someone needs to give her a hug :P I wonder who Bianca was talking about when she said there was someone she shouldn’t have trusted. Maybe it was that guy, from chapter one, who spoke to her when she first became a ghost. The one with the mask.

    Maybe the pirates are secretly sorcerers as well, and that’s why their ship didn’t sink even though it was metal and the captain somehow survived being scorched by Skylos. Either that or they’re magical beings in disguise, or maybe it’s a ghost ship. But then they wouldn’t be able to leave the place of their death… And last chapter, they weren’t on their ship. Or were they? I can’t remember xD

    Haha. I like how you remember the details, like Bianca and Sadie not being very experienced and therefore not being able to rely on magic (in this case teleporting) to get out of the situation. It makes the story much more interesting and chapters like this more tense. Also, it was funny, when Bianca was going to save them dramatically but then it failed :P I laughed then, and when the captain told Bianca he’d save her if she would be his wife, and her reaction to it.

    I found it a bit odd when Bianca said “If you don’t believe in Skylos”. It sounds like he’s some sort of mystical figure or something when she phrases it like that :P Sorry if that’s really picky.

    And something I thought was a little cliché, was when Sadie stared at her hands as if there was blood on them. There’s nothing wrong with saying it, and I’ve probably wrote something similar at some point so this is hypocritical of me, but I think you could write something more original. Sorry again if that’s really picky. I really liked this chapter, so there wasn’t much I could find wrong with it :)

    Commented on: July 15, 2014

  • Day and Age

    Haha, that’s not racist. I don’t know about America, but almost everyone I know who is of Asian descent but born in Australia have both an English name and an Asian name. For example, my best friend has a Chinese first name which is her “official” name, but everyone calls her Jane (that’s not her real English name, because I don’t think she’d appreciate me putting it on the internet :P). I don’t really know why, but that’s what they all seem to do, so I gave Dan an Caucasian sounding name :P If his last name is ever mentioned, which it probably will be in the future, it’ll be a Chinese one.

    I don’t remember you ever calling Jake Jason before, don’t worry :P And if Sarah swore at Jake she’d probably get fired ;)

    Emma talking about Jake’s mind being fragile will (hopefully) make more sense later. She’s not calling him stupid :P  

    Anyway, I’ll try and mention them changing location and stuff. For now, I’ll say Jake was still all weak and stuff after fainting, so he didn’t notice them moving :P

    Commented on: July 14, 2014

  • Day and Age

    Haha, that’s not racist. I don’t know about America, but almost everyone I know who is of Asian descent but born in Australia have both an English name and an Asian name. For example, one of my best friends has a Asian first name which is her “official” name, but everyone calls her Jane (that’s not her real English name, because I don’t think she’d appreciate me putting it on the internet :P). I don’t really know why, but that’s what they all seem to do, so I gave Dan an Caucasian sounding name :P If his last name is ever mentioned, which it probably will be in the future, it’ll be a Chinese one.

    I don’t remember you ever calling Jake Jason before, don’t worry :P And if Sarah swore at Jake she’d probably get fired ;)

    Emma talking about Jake’s mind being fragile will (hopefully) make more sense later. She’s not calling him stupid :P  

    Anyway, I’ll try and mention them changing location and stuff. For now, I’ll say Jake was still all weak and stuff after fainting, so he didn’t notice them moving :P

    Commented on: July 14, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I liked the whole drama with Anthony – First he seemed like a good guy, then those pirates said he was one, so I was like, “oh no, he’s bad!” but then he was Skylos :P You definitely kept me guessing with this chapter. Anyway, I think that Skylos is genuinely on their side. I mean, he helped then escape and got them to a ship, so unless he’s got some really complicated plan that seems pretty genuine to me. I wonder why he decided to disguise himself as a human instead of just staying as a dog, or just telling them it was him :P And why he asked them questions about being sorcerers :P

    And Noah was mentioned again. I wonder where he went, and whether or not he’ll show up in this book. It is a series, so perhaps he won’t be important for a while… But I am really curious about that sword. I also felt sorry for Sadie, when the captain was saying that Jason slayed Amaatlik single-handedly. I mean, sure he fought him by himself (until Skylos turned up) but Sadie still played a part in the mission :P It’s sad that she never gets recognition for things.

    I like the contrast between Sadie and Bianca, like in the last book between Sadie and Jason. Bianca seems a bit naïve at times, but she seems like a sweet person, while Sadie is much more cynical. I hope they’ll become friends eventually.

    There was some description I thought was missing. When Skylos breathed fire on the pirates, how did they react? Did he kill them, or did they escape? For some reason I found that odd, because surely there would be something happening that Bianca would feel worth mentioning in her narration :P

    Something else I’ve noticed  – like guys, the characters seem to say stuff a lot. I think for the teenage characters it’s realistic, cos us teenagers are too lazy to think of proper names for things, but adults I think would say the proper name. Like this example: You know,” 'cause it had a lot of stuff onboard.” I think Anthony/Skylos would say either what it was or “cargo” or something :P

    “face reddened” another place where the first part of the sentence seems to be cut off. This happens quite often, so maybe it’s something to do with the site?

    “Sadie thought it was stupid, but I forced him.” That’s mean of Bianca, calling Sadie a him :P and this line too: “She took out his wand.”

    Commented on: July 14, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    Oh no! I hope her dad hasn’t escaped. That was what first came to mind, but that seems a little cliché, so I have a feeling it’ll be something different. Anyway, whatever it is Ari is sure to have a confrontation with him soon. It’s much sooner than I was expecting, so you definitely managed to surprise me ;)

    Anyway, once again the mood whiplash was great. You seem to be really good at doing that :P The rest of the chapter (particularly the bit with Kayla’s friends) was funny and light, it got a bit more serious with Ariana’s chat with Penny and then that ending :P

    But, it bothered me a little the way they were talking about Kayla’s dad. I don’t know, it seemed strange that he should shoulder all of the blame for Claire’s murder and the stuff that happened. Sure, he did play a part in it, but Kayla still made those decisions. I also found it odd how Ariana told Penny her story so quickly. I don’t know, I would expect her to be more guarded about it. I mean, she didn’t tell Kayla, she found out because of doctor Pinder. But overall I liked their conversation. It solved some of the issues I had with the last one, where it seemed like her mum was completely all for it :P Her comments in this chapter were more what I’d expect :P

    Commented on: July 13, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I found this chapter both sad and oddly humorous :P It was sad because of how cynical Sadie has become. She definitely wasn’t that bad before, even though she was always more distrusting. Like when she was listing the people that she trusted but wronged her, and mentioned that time Alexander attacked them when they were stranded, but he didn’t really trick them because he thought they were demons or whatever. I think this shows that she’s kind of being selectively oblivious, because it’s not really an example but she used it anyway. Sorry if I’m being over analytical, or if I’m rambling too much :P

    But it was also funny,  especially at the end when Sadie was like, “who said I trusted Calvin?” That made me laugh, for some reason. Maybe it’s because I was thinking, “not again, Sadie, not again” :P And when she was so insistent that Skylos was going to betray them, even though he didn’t do anything yet.

    Anyway (we do say that a lot :P) I’m looking forward to seeing Calvin again. I wonder what he’s been doing since the last one, and how long it will be until they find him. I also wonder when Xavier will appear again (I’m assuming he will at some point) and when that Noah guy will become important.  I thought he’d play an important role in the sequel, but he hasn’t appeared yet. Of course, there’s still over thirty chapters, so there’s a lot of time for him to appear if he’s going to :P

     ‘Then I'll find my key and unlock the door." I heard him walk away from he door.’ Firstly I think he should be the, and this seems a bit repetitive to me. Sorry if that’s really picky, I think I’m probably one of the only people who gets bothered by only two consecutive sentences ending the same way. Anyway (we do say that a lot :P) I think the second sentence could be ended after walk away. Again I’m not sure why this bothers me, but it does :P

    Also, sometimes in this chapter I felt you said the character’s names a bit too much, especially in places where there were multiple characters mentioned. I know it’s so you can tell who they’re talking about, but there were some places where I thought “he” or “she” would have been fine and you could still tell who was being referred to. Like here: “Not that I wanted to take Skylos along, or Bianca, but Jason was somehow her friend too, and apparently Skylos knew how to get to Calvin's home.” I think the second Skylos could just be he, as it’s easy to tell who it’s about. And it would feel less cluttered.

    By the way, I’m sorry if this comment is really scatterbrained and crazy, I’m a bit tired :P

    Commented on: July 13, 2014

  • Day and Age

    Thanks for the comment. I’m glad you liked the bit with Jake’s, er, dud :P You’re not being picky, I should definitely rephrase that bit. And the dreamy stuff too :P I’ll find something else to say.

    Hehe, I should put a full stop after the E, but I always forget, and my computer doesn’t autocorrect it for me :P We did have to leave our bags outside, because they didn’t want us to steal stuff in there :P You’re supposed to take your valuables with you when you leave your backpack outside. Then all there is to steal is school books :P They also have security cameras. But things still get stolen. My sister once left her wallet in her bag and it was stolen and dumped in a bin (but they found it).

    And no, it’s okay. You already commented on all of the chapters of the first one, plus you’re reading this one too, and I don’t want it to take up too much of your time :) I’m probably going to post up the sequel sometime this week anyway, as I’m not making any major plot point changes. I was going to wait until I’d rewritten more, but I got bored :P

    Commented on: July 13, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    This was a very interesting chapter. I’m happy Skylos is back. He’ll definitely make an interesting addition to their group :P I feel kind of sorry for Sadie, but I guess she’ll just have to put up with him being there even if she doesn’t trust him.

    I liked how Sadie thought it was Bianca who had given him the love potion, because I think it would be the natural conclusion someone would come to, even though she didn’t actually do anything. I wonder if she’ll resent Bianca, even though she said she didn’t, as she seems to see it as Bianca’s fault regardless.

    Anyway, I wonder why Jason disappeared. I guess whoever was behind it (I still think Alex was possessed or something) must need him for something. But if he’s dead/dying I don’t see how he could be much use to them. Although, as a ghost Bianca could use spells, so maybe if he’s a ghost he’ll still have magic powers too, and they want to use him because he’s so powerful or whatever. And if he wasn’t quite dead yet they could have moved him so he’d die wherever they took him and be forced to stay there. But I am a little confused at his current status – in the last chapter Sadie said he wasn’t dead yet, but this chapter they were talking as if he had died already… Did Bianca just assume he died, or do they know he had?

    I was also kind of confused when Sadie said that Bianca should know that hellhounds don’t have the power to control people because she’s a zombie… I know she probably said that to annoy her, but I don’t really understand how a zombie would know that better than a non-zombie :P Sorry for being dumb.

    Also, something I found odd – why did Sadie and Bianca just leave Jason at the cemetery? I know Sadie said that they didn’t want to drag him, but it seems strange… I think it would make more sense for them to move him to a safe place instead of just leaving him there for a while.

    In this chapter Bianca didn’t seem that concerned that Jason was dead/dying. I mean, she mentioned it a few times and felt sad, but other than that she seemed okay. But I think she’s probably a bit confused readjusting to life as a living person, and maybe that’s why. I think Sadie’s reaction was more what I’d expected. But as I said I think Bianca’s probably in shock. I also found it odd when Bianca called Sadie dude.– it doesn’t seem like something a girl would say in the situation. I think she’d just say her name.

    “gave me a look as if to say,” There were some words missing from the start of this sentence. And in this one too: “clenched her fists, looking very determined”. And here: “eyes glowed.”

    Commented on: July 11, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    No, Jason! I hope Sadie and Bianca can save him… I think that Sadie’s reaction to his sickness was realistic and sad :( Especially when she kept trying to reassure herself that it was a dream, that seems like something people would do. The story definitely took a darker turn in this chapter. I wonder if someone was possessing Alex to give Jason that potion. He could have just been giving him a love potion to make Bianca feel better, but if it’s so strong that Jason will nearly get himself killed trying to revive her maybe it’s different from normal. I mean, Alex seems like an okay guy, even though he hasn’t appeared that much. And surely he wouldn’t go that far from that one time Jason was mean to him at the magic shop. Plus in the last book I don’t remember any mention of his Britishness/Brotishness, so maybe that’s some clue that he’s being possessed or controlled or something :P Or it could just not have been mentioned… Hehe.

    But at least Bianca isn’t a ghost anymore, which is good for her. I wonder how she’ll readjust to life as a living person. It’s kind of sad, because everyone she knows would be so much older/dead… I think she’ll be really confused or something. She did seem a bit confused at the end of the chapter. She must feel pretty guilty too, seeing as Jason did that to bring her back (even if he was being controlled). Anyway, she’s not going to be very happy with Alex when she finds out… xD I felt sorry for Sadie though, when Bianca called her Jason’s sidekick and got her name wrong :P

    Anyway, something I’ve noticed happening a few times. Sometimes a character will announce they’re going to do something in their dialogue, and then you’ll include a line straight after saying they did it, like in this chapter: ‘“But I'll keep watching Jason." He kept watching Jason.’  I’m not sure if it’s meant to be part of the humour, but to me it feels a bit repetitive (particularly when it happens multiple times).

     And also with this description: “Maybe it was the fact that he was still breathing. But his skin was really pale. He looked really sick.” I think it would be better to further describe his appearance and condition, instead of just saying that he looked sick.

    And something I found a bit odd, was that Sadie was apparently able to dig through to Bianca’s coffin without a shovel or something… Those holes are pretty deep, and digging with her bare hands would be very difficult, because there’d be a very large amount of dirt. At the very least I'd expect her to mention how her hands were aching or something :P

    Commented on: July 11, 2014

  • Day and Age

    You do find out some stuff about her quite soon, but there’s still a lot more that won’t be revealed for some time :P

    As for things like the names of cafés (huh, my computer does it automatically) Jake isn’t really paying attention to what they’re called when he chooses them, because he only cares that no one he knows is there :P Although, I don’t know why I didn’t say what the drink was originally. That’s a bit odd.

    And  I can’t say I’ve ever given much thought to the colour of Emma’s poop :P Or anyone else’s xD

    Anyway, I don’t mind how often you review. This story is on hiatus at the moment (I’ll get back to it at some point, but right now I’m more focussed on rewriting Gifted and writing the sequel), so there’s no rush or anything. Sorry for being unhelpful :P

    Commented on: July 11, 2014

  • Gifted

    I’m really glad you like the action scenes, because I’m not very confident about them… I’ve never really written action before I wrote this story, so it’s really reassuring :) Anyway, the next chapter has quite a lot of action too, so I hope you enjoy it!

    And I did have no idea who Jack Bauer was :P I googled him though, he sounds cool :P Although he doesn’t really look like I imagine 805 to look (his hair is too light!). Hehe. When I wrote this, I was thinking, ‘256 you’re just making this situation worse, but it’s kind of funny because you think you’re making it better…’ I have a strange sense of humour :P

    And I’m glad you appreciate Samantha’s inner squishiness. That’s what I call it when a character has a tough, cold exterior and then has this secret squishy side… I don’t know why I call it squishiness, but I do :P

    Commented on: July 10, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I really liked this chapter. I like how you defied my expectations about what being under the love potion would be like. I just assumed that from Jason’s point of view he’d be like a mindless drone, but actually the real Jason stayed awake, even though he couldn’t do anything except think. The way you wrote it was definitely better than I’d expected, it was more original and it was very entertaining to read about him arguing with himself :P This is probably my favourite chapter so far in this book.

    I wonder if Bianca’s feelings for Jason are genuine (as in, she really did love him at first sight) or if there’s some magical thing influencing her too. I mean, obviously Amaatlik wasn’t messing with her mind (or she would have stopped liking him). But then, she is a pretty naïve person, so it makes some sense that she would fall in love with him so quickly, or at least think she loves him anyway. She reminds me of Anna from Frozen (except, Jason isn’t… well, I won’t say, in case you haven’t seen it :P). Still, it’s kind of sad if Jason thinks love is stupid now. Although I don’t think he was being that serious :P

    I can’t say I’m an expert at viewing ants up close, but I think he seemed to see a lot more of the ant than I’d imagine someone could. I mean, they’re still pretty small. If Jason was lying on the ground, even with his eyes open, if the ants were that close to his would probably be pretty blurry. It’s not like he was looking at it with a magnifying glass or anything, it was his normal vision, so I don’t see how he could see its eyes and jaws and stuff, unless they have super big ants in Draida. Sorry if that’s really picky. I couldn’t find much else odd about this chapter, so I thought I’d point it out :P

    And the reference to Romeo and Juliet – another real life thing, but I don’t think this one is as strange because all the countries are based of real ones there could be a version of Shakespeare somewhere too ;)

    Also, at one point you referred to Jason as Alex: “Alex 2 resumed walking.”

    Commented on: July 9, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I liked how you explained how Bianca was able to go to the island in the last book even though she’s a ghost, and therefore shouldn’t be able to leave her death place. It shows you pay attention to detail. I’m also glad she figured out that Jason was bewitched, even though it probably won’t matter as she went unconscious right after. I felt kind of sorry for her the whole chapter, as she likes him but he’s only acting that way because of the spell. So far I like her character – she seems like a nice person overall, and a little naïve. I like naïve characters, because it’s always interesting to see how they develop and lose their naiveness (unless they don’t xD). I still don’t think you’re sexist, by the way :P I’m impressed because in two POV chapters you’ve introduced her character really well.

    Anyway, this chapter was very enjoyable. Some of Jason’s romantic ideas were cringe-worthy (in a good way, because it was funny :P), like the B + J thing. The part with the monsters was funny too, since they almost gave away their weakness. It was an interesting weakness, too. I can’t say I’ve ever heard of monsters being weak to candles before :P

    Still, Jason’s powers interested me. I don’t know if the love potion influences him or something, but he seemed very powerful even though Amisto has taken back his magic. I’m sad though because I know I won’t find out why he's so powerful for ages… Oh well. There’s lots of time to form theories! I wonder how his attempt to revive Bianca will go. I have a feeling it will go badly (at least, for him), considering I know he must do a spell that goes horribly wrong at some point from the summary :P

    Anyway, some repetition I’ve noticed about this story in general – people tend to say “guys” and “you guys” a lot. I know it’s a common collective term, but it seems like everyone says it all the time, no matter their age, gender, etc. Bianca sure said it a lot when referring to Figaro and Izzy :P She could say, “you two” or something as well. She also wanted to give her cats milk. Giving milk to cats is bad for them because they’re lactose intolerant. I know Bianca probably wouldn’t know about this so it’s okay for her to think that, but the animal nerd within me couldn’t resist pointing it out :P

    I also found it strange how Bianca guessed that the candle delivery person was 26. I feel like most people would guess something more vague than that (like, mid twenties).

    “We looked all over for Figaro and Izzy, but couldn't find them. We looked everywhere for them, and double-checked more than once.” Another repetitive description.

    Commented on: July 9, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    Well, I can’t say I expected that ;) What a mood whiplash from the last chapter! Anyway, I think you set it up very well, with Ariana wishing she could live in a house and have a family, and then Kayla asks her to marry her and thus give her the family she wishes for. D’awww…

    Some things I found odd – mainly Kayla’s mum asking Kayla when she was going to make an honest woman of Ariana. For one thing that seems a like a very old-fashioned term, not really what I'd imagine someone saying anymore. Also, Kayla’s only 20 – I’m 19, and if I came home and told my mum I wanted to get married she’d be like “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU????” :P Obviously her mum isn’t like mine, but I wouldn’t expect her to ask her 20 year old daughter when she was planning on proposing to her girlfriend, although I can see her being happy if Kayla announced she was going to do so. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense, by the way.

    I wonder what it was that Claire tried to tell her. Could it have something to do with whatever she is now? Maybe she was a guardian angel or whatever even then :P I liked learning more about her too, as it gives us more insight on such an important relationship in Kayla’s life. I could definitely feel her sorrow, so good job.

    And something random, but San Diego reminds me of my city a bit – a quiet city, and near the beach! xD I think that helped me get into the mood of the chapter.

    Overall, anyway, it was a very emotional and romantic scene – a little cheesy for my liking, but that’s not a bad thing. Engagement scenes are always a little cheesy ;)

    “helped heft a bag of potatoes into the panty.” I don’t usually point out typos but this one I thought I probably should :P

    Aww, now I have no more chapters to read… I await the next one eagerly :D

    Commented on: July 9, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    Wow, that was really scary! I mean,  figured it was a dream straight away, but still… The suddenness of it all shocked me. Anyway, you did a great job of conveying Ariana’s fear and dread of her father finding her. I wonder how they’ll eventually meet. I don’t think he’ll escape (at least, I hope he doesn’t). I think, when Ariana’s ready she’ll go and visit him in prison. I’d like it that way, I think, because then she’ll be able to confront him on her own terms.

    Some of her father’s  dialogue though – I don’t know, they seemed almost cartoon villain-like, if you know what I mean. For me they detracted from the fear for a bit, because they sounded like something straight out of a crime show. Like this one: “I like these titties”. This is just my personal opinion though – it was still creepy, and I’m sure that it would have been more effective for others.

    I’m also curious about that song Ariana was singing. Is that the same one as she sung before? I wonder what significance it has. And after you said that her daughter's name has already been revealed I was like, "noooo, how did I miss it?" I even looked back through some of the chapters, but I couldn't find it :P

    Commented on: July 9, 2014

  • Day and Age

    Jake thinks he makes everything worse in social situations, and although he isn’t the most charismatic of bunnies he isn’t that bad, like in this chapter when he managed to make Dan and Emma happier. When he says things like that it’s supposed to show his low self-esteem.

    This is kind of embarrassing to admit, but I actually got the title of this story from the name of an album by my favourite band :P I’m really bad at coming up with titles. Gifted was supposed to be a temporary title, but I grew to like it so I never ended up changing it :P Same with this story – I was struggling to think of a name, and I was listening to the band at the time. So then I thought, what about Day and Age? That fits. I was going to change it, but I never got round to it… xD

    Commented on: July 9, 2014

  • Gifted

    Thanks for reading! I'm glad it was enjoyable :) If you'd like me to read something in return, feel free to PM me.

    Commented on: July 8, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Sadie, yay! My favourite character is back! Now I’ve got that moment of happiness out of way, I’ll say that this chapter was definitely much gloomier than the last two. I felt really sorry for Sadie at the beginning, when she’s sitting alone with the ducks while Jason was with his family and chatting to his mum in the last chapter. I wonder where she lives, if she has no family. Maybe an orphanage or something? I don't know :P

    I’m glad that Sadie mentioned some of the things I was wondering about (like where Xavier and Calvin went :P). It’s good because it means these will probably be addressed at some point, so I’m excited to find out.

    Oh, and I forgot to mention this earlier, but I’m still wondering who the new setahr is. I mean, I thought it was Bianca, but she didn’t mention it at all in her POV chapter and Amisto had no idea who Bianca was in this chapter, and surely he would remember her if she was the setahr. Although, does he know who the new setahr is? He said their identity was a secret, but I think he just meant from everyone else.By the way, what is the difference between a setahr and a head mage? I forgot :P

    I am a bit confused about how magic works again, though. I know that Sadie and Jason have lost their magic because Amisto only gave them his power to borrow, but hadn’t Sadie learnt some magic before they started their mission? How does learning magic work?

    Anyway, there was another redundant description in this chapter: ‘“As you can see, it is very much transparent. And useful for telling the future." It was transparent.’ We already know it’s transparent from the dialogue, so it doesn’t really need to be added onto the end.

    “Now what can I help you with, my boy?” Amisto referred to Sadie as a boy. That’s not very nice of him :P

    And a typo I spotted: “I tried to remember when I casted spells”

    Commented on: July 7, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    It was nice to see Jason again. It may just be me, but he definitely seems to have gained a lot of confidence since the end of Hunting Amaatlik. Probably because Amaatlik isn’t amplifying his feelings of hopelessness anymore or something. Still, it’s a great way to show how much their missions and adventures have changed them. I wonder how Sadie has changed, and I look forward to finding out if she has.

    Anyway, this chapter was as humorous as the last one (well, except for Bianca’s sad backstory). I’m interested to see how this love potion thing works out ;) I feel a bit sorry for Bianca though. Surely she’s going to be upset if Jason acts like he loves her but then it’s only because of a potion. I don’t think Alex has really thought this one through if he’s trying to make her feel better or something :P But at the same time, I’m anxious because I’m waiting for something bad to happen to Jason like it says in the summary. I have a feeling the story is going to be really light and humorous until then, and then it’ll become darker again. Anyway, I’m curious to see what happens :P

    I was a bit confused when they were talking about Amisto taking away their magic – the way you wrote it made it sound like Sadie was the only one to lose her powers, but then Jason said he wanted Amisto to teach him, magic, so… “As soon as the mission was over, the old man took back his magic and Sadie couldn't really cast any spells. Anymore.” Should it be “Sadie and I” or something? :P

    I noticed there was a lot of repetition of the word “magic” and “magical” and “magically” at some parts in this chapter :P I know it’s a story with, well, magic, but perhaps you could find another way to say it? xD

    I found it a little strange when Alex referred to his mum as, well, mum in his dialogue :P I know it’s because he’s from “Broton” but it struck me as odd, because if it’s written from Jason’s POV wouldn’t he write mom instead? I know it might just be my accent and all, but to me British people sound more like they're saying "mom" than American people do lol. Sorry if that's confusing...

    And that reminds me - If Scotia is the equivalent to Scotland, and Welas is Wales, Broton should be some replacement for England instead of Britain. Britain refers to Scotland, Wales and England together, but they were talking as if Broton/Britain is the country in South of Scotia/Scotland and north of Welas/Wales even though it's not. I know this is fantasy so perhaps Broton is referring to strictly England in this story, but still it bugged me :P

    Also, I was confused when Jason said he and Alex had blue eyes. I don’t really remember much about their appearances, but I swear I read Jason having green eyes somewhere. Am I just going crazy? :P

    Commented on: July 7, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    I can’t say I’m an expert on New York, but Kayla and Ariana sure did seem to see a lot of museums and stuff in one day :P I don’t know about the geography of these places or how long it takes to visit them, but that struck me as odd. Or maybe I’m just lazy and could never do so many things in one day without collapsing :P

    Ariana's reaction to seeing the September 11 memorial was sad. It's not really something I think of often, because we have our own memorial days and stuff for different things, but it definitely seemed fitting for her to have such a reaction. She's a very empathetic person, isn't she?

    And Claire’s back! That part was definitely the most interesting bit of the chapter ;) I wonder what she is, a ghost? Or an angel, or something :P I wonder if she’ll appear again, maybe to Kayla next time.

    I’m curious if Ariana will meet her daughter again. Part of me thinks she will, just to see if she’s okay and anything. I don’t think she’ll ever get to live with her or anything, as she’s been adopted. But I do hope that, if she wants to, the girl’s parents will let her meet Ariana. But then a part of me thinks she won’t, and Ariana will just be left to wonder what happened to her. I hope she does get to meet her, so she knows she’s okay an being treated well and stuff.

    Commented on: July 7, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    Ahhh, I hate guns too!! xD I could definitely relate to Ari in this chapter :P Although my fear doesn’t stem from being shot by one, but still. Her thought process about it was interesting, though. I think it’s good if she’s able to gain a little confidence that way.

    It’s interesting how Ariana had never seen the ocean. I never would have thought of that, because like Kayla I grew up with the beach close by, so it seems so normal to me :P But it got me thinking, of how endless it really can seem. You’re turning me into a philosopher! xD Still, I’m excited for the next few chapters. New York is one of those cities on my Places to Travel list, so it should be fun :3 I still have the feeling like anything could happen in this story from now on, so I'm excited.

    Commented on: July 7, 2014

  • Day and Age

    Thanks for the comment! :) About the thing with the bandage, he already had scratches on his face from before, but he didn’t want his parents to know that he reopened them. So when they see the bandage they will think it is for the old scratches, and therefore he covers up the fact that he scratched himself again. It won’t work for that long, but that’s why he does it :P

    As for the niceness of people, well… A lot of people (like Dan and Jake’s parents) are kind of tiptoeing around him at the moment. There isn’t exactly any outright mean people in this story (well, there are, but not for a while) but a few characters have their moments quite soon. I don’t know whether that’s enough or not :P And you’re not too harsh. Although I’m not sure what you mean about swear words lol. I checked it over and I couldn’t find any, aside from Michael swearing in the prologue.

    G’Day! I feel like such a stereotypical person saying that :P

    Commented on: July 7, 2014

  • Callie Cameron - Country Chaos

    Perhaps something to improve on, more in your descriptive sections, is to make the sentences longer. When you were describing the villains there were a few instances where I thought you could combine two sentences together. I feel it just flows better that way.

    I have a theory about who the masked girl is, but I don’t want to say in case I’m wrong. I always feel that way with mysteries, I like guessing but I don’t like admitting my theories in case I’m completely on the wrong track xD Anyway, I liked your action scenes, they were well written and exciting.

    Overall, your grammar and spelling seemed to improve a lot with this chapter. There were still a few errors, but overall there was vast improvement! Well done :)

    And it’s my pleasure with the comments :)

    Commented on: July 7, 2014

  • Callie Cameron - Country Chaos

    Hi, sorry it’s been a while since I last commented. Once again, I really loved your characterisation in this chapter. I think all your characters have distinct personalities, and their dialogue is really fun to read and natural. And it adds a lot of humour, too – I found Tennana’s showing off hilarious :P Especially the stuff about the cars. What’s a four year old going to do with car lol ;)

    Anyway, the plot is definitely still interesting, don’t worry ;) I don’t really have any idea what the shadow rider’s going to do next, so you’re definitely keeping me in suspense. I don’t read/write mystery stories often, but I think you’re doing a good job.

    I like the romance in this chapter too. Not over the top, but just enough to get readers wanting more ;) That’s the kind of romance I like to read.

    Something I noticed – at times, you seem to switch between dialogue and action multiple times in one chapter. This can be quite confusing to read, so it’s best to split it up. As for grammar, you’re still making a few mistakes with your dialogue structure – if you have action before dialogue, there should be a full stop before the quotation marks. I noticed quite a few places where they weren’t there.

    Commented on: July 6, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    So, Bianca is a ghost! But I’m not really sure how ghosts work in this story. I mean, Bianca obviously doesn’t age, but she does eat, like she did in this chapter. And how come Alex, Jason, Sadie, etc. have been able to see her but the people at the funeral weren’t? Does she become more human like over time? :P

    Anyway, I liked the humour at the beginning of the chapter. Like when Bianca called Jason her future boyfriend, that made me laugh :P It’s funny how Bianca is technically Alex’s aunt. I’m curious about what happened to make Jason not like Bianca anymore, or just to avoid her if he does still like her. Perhaps Amaatlik had something to do with the love at first sight thing using his mind control powers, and now he’s gone Jason no longer loves her. Or maybe it’s something like he’s realised how much danger he could put her in after the dream and fight with Amaatlik, so he’s doing that thing heroes in movies do where they break up (or ignore) the heroine for their own protection. I hope that doesn’t happen, and I doubt it will because it would be very cheesy ;)

    Anyway, overall I think this was a good introduction to Bianca’s character. She feels much more like a real person now, but it’s understandable that she hasn’t really until now because she didn’t really do much in the first book.  I really enjoyed finding out more about her, and I’m looking forward to more POV sections from her in the future.

    There were a few more redundant descriptions in this chapter. Like this one: “He desperately checked Bianca's breathing and pulse. He kept checking.” It sounds repetitive as well, and we already know he’s checking her pulse so it seems unnecessary to me :P

    During some of the dialogue when Bianca was dying, it felt a little emotionless. I think perhaps you should describe her and mum’s actions more. Like, what did Bianca’s mum do when she said “No, it can’ be.” – Did she cry, did she shake her head? It would make it feel less like normal dialogue when her daughter’s lying there, dead.

    Something random: when her parents said “she was the best daughter ever” at her funeral  - to me it seems like something adults wouldn’t say at a funeral. I’d imagine them saying, “she was the best daughter we could ever ask for” or something like that. I don’t know, it sounds more grown up :P Not that I really know, because I’m young, but still.

    Commented on: July 6, 2014

  • Gifted

    Haha, sorry about all the height jokes in this story… I’m almost six feet tall, so I can’t help but make fun of short people. It’s like a compulsion… My real life short friends must hate me, because I tease them a lot.

    And yes, 805 is bitter. Just a little bit :P As for Reagan, I can't say much... xD

    Commented on: July 4, 2014

  • Day and Age

    A canteen isn’t actually the same as a cafeteria, most schools don’t have an equivalent of a cafeteria. At least, mine didn’t :P. It’s similar and you can buy food from there, but there’s no tables or anything. In Australian schools we eat outside, as it almost never rains (at least, in Perth it doesn’t), and most people bring their lunch from home. The only thing I think that you do need to know is the types of subjects you can do. There’s TEE subjects, which are done by students aiming to get into university, and non-TEE subjects, which are done by students who want to do apprenticeships, or  go to TAFE (I don’t know what the equivalent of that is in America), and that sort of thing.

    No, I don’t use the five stages of grief. Mostly because they’re  I think they're too generalised – I’ve read a lot of biographies and stuff about grief (don’t judge me, I find psychology interesting :P) and almost all of them bash the five stages of grief, saying they’re inaccurate because grief and how it happens varies from person to person. I think they are good as a basic model, but I haven’t ever deliberately referenced them when writing this story. Most people who’ve commented on this say they find Jake’s reaction realistic, so hopefully it’s okay.

    I understand what you mean about the expectedness (it's a word now) of this story :P The first three chapters or so are pretty generic. It gets a bit weirder after chapter four, so I hope there’ll be more unexpected events after that :P

    Commented on: July 4, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Sorry for the late reply. As for which two chapters… Hmm, well if you put it between chapter 24 and 25 then you could have some suspense about the dark shape before revealing it was Calvin, or perhaps between chapter 25 and 26 – either way the fight with Amaatlik will then be right after the two nightmare chapters, which is where the tension was the highest. Anyway, those are two spots I can think of, but you might think something else is better. But perhaps you should see how more people react to it – I mean, I might find it a bit out of place there but they might find it more suspenseful like you thought :P

    And I don’t think your sexist, by the way. I’m sorry if I implied that, I didn’t mean to.

    Commented on: July 4, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    I was surprised there wasn’t much mention about how Sadie had been tricked by Amaatlik into thinking that Jason and co. were evil. I mean, it almost seemed like she forgot about it. I’m sure it will be mentioned later on, but perhaps even a small mention in this chapter would be good.

    As for the new setahr, I’m certain it’s Bianca ;) After all, she’s probably the one who wrote that letter, and she’s a sorceress too… And her brother was the setahr, so it fits that she’d want to take over for him. But she’s likely a ghost or something, so that could complicate things just a bit :P

    Anyway, overall this was a good epilogue. It seemed very peaceful after the last few chapters, and it’s heart-warming to see how Draida’s citizens celebrated their victory. I was scared for a moment when no one was there (yeah, you got me ;P), but then they were so it was good. It felt like a good ending, the fighting was over and it was nice and peaceful, but there are still some questions left unanswered to keep me reading the series.

    Now for the stuff about the story overall: I really enjoyed this story. The last ten chapters or so were especially good. I think you built the climax well (aside from that chapter with Noah, that seemed odd to me). Amaatlik was an interesting villain, and I liked how he influenced their minds and stuff instead of being physically strong, as it sets him apart from most villains. Overall I really enjoyed his character, and I hope it’s not completely over for him ;)

    The other characters are good too. You did a good job in making Sadie and Jason distinct from each other, and they were both good characters in their own right. The secondary characters are mostly interesting too. I really like Skylos and Xavier best out of them, I hope they have larger roles in the sequel.

     Maybe someone I’d like to see have more of a role is Bianca, because she comes off as a bit of a designated love interest at the moment. This is because she doesn’t really have much of a role aside from being Jason’s crush, and to be honest his crush on her isn’t really that convincing. I don’t mean just because it’s love at first sight – I’m willing to accept that, but people keep saying Jason loves Bianca or whatever and he’ll blush a bit when she’s around but he doesn’t really mention her very often, although he did a few times in chapter 29. It's like, I'm being told that Jason has a crush on Bianca, but I'm really not being shown enough evidence. I know there isn't much romance in this story and that doesn't bother me or anything, but if it's meant to be a part of his motivation then I think it's important. But you said she has a larger role in the sequel, and I think she’s the new setahr, so hopefully this will be remedied then. I'm also looking forward to seeing her character aside from being Jason's love interest.

     About action and stuff – there isn’t much physical fighting, and I talked about the fight scene in my last comment in terms of what was good/bad about it. I don’t think you really need more action than you’ve got. I mean, Amaatlik’s mind games and stuff provides tension and is exciting even if there isn’t much physical fighting.

    And finally, the plot. Overall, I think you had an interesting storyline. The twists were good, like Rex being good and Skylos appearing at the end. Sometimes I found it a little confusing, but that’s probably because I’m not that smart :P Plus there's lots of things I'm curious about - Jason's powers, Sadie's family, Bianca, Noah...

    Anyway, I’m definitely excited for the sequel! Although, it’s not like I’ll have to wait long, because I’ll probably start it tomorrow. But until then, I’ll be excited for the sequel! xD Feel free to ask me anything, because I’m sure there’s things I’ve forgotten.

    Commented on: July 4, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Skylos is back! I have to say, I wasn’t expecting that ;) Still, that was definitely the highlight of the fight against Amaatlik – something unexpected, and it definitely made the fight more exciting. I like how an event from earlier on becomes important to the final battle. At the time I thought it was a standalone scene, but now I see that it must have been planned carefully. I’m happy that Skylos is on their side, although I’m sure Sadie will probably be suspicious :P

    I liked how you had Amaatlik’s story again. It was good to be reminded of it :P I was kind of sad that Amaatlik as a wand turned into a tree. For a while I thought he’d become kind of like Calvin was, which would be entertaining. But I suppose if he had stayed a wand that might be too dangerous – after all, he’d gain a lot of power that way. Still, I hope we haven’t seen the last of him, because he was a cool character. I’m curious about Jason’s powers. After all, he didn’t even know that spell, and just shouted a random word, but it worked. I really wonder why he’s so powerful, even though I know this probably won’t be revealed for a long time. Oh well, gives me a lot of time to speculate, which is fun :3

    Aw, Xavier has parents… My theories are crushed! xD I was certain he was young Alex’s son… Oh well, it’s good for him that he found them :P

    Anyway, the fight scenes were good (although brief). Some of the “action words” were a bit repetitive. You said attacked or attack quite a lot. And you used the word sword often – I like to substitute it for “blade” or “weapon” because I’ve had that problem too. I got told off for it once ;) Still, I enjoyed the scenes, because they were very different from the usual “final battle” scenes. I think they fit the tone of the story well, and there was humour throughout but it didn’t seem out of place or anything.

    Perhaps one thing that did disappoint me is that Amaatlik seemed to be finished off rather easily – Jason didn’t even get injured! But, I think in a way this fits because Amaatlik’s forte is manipulating minds, and he’s not that physically menacing, really. But still, it might make the final fight a little more tense if there seemed to be higher stakes. Even in the sword fighting – if Jason is bad at using a sword, and Amaatlik is good or just better than him, I’d expect him to at least get a cut or something :P Of course, these are just suggestions, and the scenes were good.

    And Sadie’s role does make sense. When I read it I just thought, “oh, I guess I was wrong. Sadie did believe the dream that Jason and the others are evil”. I reread that other chapter, and I’m embarrassed that I missed it, because it was pretty obvious :P I was tired, that must be it. Totally! xD Nah, I’m just stupid…

     One thing that did disappoint me though is that Sadie only made a very brief appearance. I had expected her to play more of a role in the climax (even if it was on the villain’s side). I don’t know, I feel like this has a bit of wasted potential – Sadie thinking they are all evil and fighting against them could have been really interesting to read. Maybe it’s just because she’s my favourite character, and I’m disappointed Jason got all the action ;) But I have a feeling this will probably be an important part of her character development in the sequel. I think she’ll be upset that Amaatlik managed to trick her, and she’ll be sad that Jason had to do it by himself without her help, even though they set off on the mission together.

    Also, there was a line that confused me from the letter: In your nightmare you saw that Sadie was attacked by imps. This really did happen. But he is out there, and if you can find him, he will join you. Is this supposed to be referring to Sadie? I wasn’t sure, because they all said “he” but perhaps you missed the whole line when changing her gender because I don’t see who else it could be about :P Also, this quote which is referring to Sadie: “made him think we were evil.”

    Oh, and I found another evilly: “He laughed evilly to himself”

    Commented on: July 4, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    I’m suspicious of Noah because he thought of naming his sword Bob, but he settled on a different name so I suppose I can forgive him. Still, I’m curious how he’ll play a role in the future. Perhaps he’ll join their “team” at some point, or maybe he’ll be a villain (that would be a twist ;P). It’s interesting to see how Amaatlik’s powers have been effecting others too. At least, that’s what I’m assuming was happening as he said his men had been more aggressive lately :P Or maybe it’s something else, because of the purple stars thing, as I haven't heard of that before (at least, not in my memory, which is pretty bad, so...)

     Something I was a little confused about – A couple of times you seemed to say  Noah was falling on a brush, going through a brush… At first I thought it was just a typo for bush, but then it happened twice. Is that a language difference thing or is it just the same typo twice? :P

    I found in the very first paragraph that birds/bird was said 4 times :P It was a bit repetitive. And Joseph spoke desperately a number of times :P Also, do they have Easter in this world? Noah mentioned the Easter bunny :3 Like the Jekyll and Hyde thing I don’t think it has to be taken out if you don’t want it to, but I thought I’d point it out in case you did.

    In a way, I feel like introducing Noah at this point is a little anti-climatic. I feel like for the last few chapters you’ve been building up the tension really well, but this chapter just threw me off course. I don’t feel as if I enjoyed it as much as I would have if it was in another place – the stuff happening in the chapter wasn’t boring, but I’m more interested in Sadie and Jason and Amaatlik, so it was a bit tedious to read… I know it’s probably going to be important later on, in the sequel maybe, but it seemed out of place. Of course, that is just my opinion, and you probably intended it to be this way. So feel free to ignore it if you think this is the best place for it.

    Oh and about the short/long sentences thing – I know what you mean about long sentences being for more formal writing and short sentences being more informal. I think most of the sentences are okay the length they are, because the story is often light-hearted and informal. It’s just during the more emotional bits that I think longer ones would be better, like in the last chapter. But I am biased because I like long sentences :P

    Commented on: July 4, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    It’s ironic, that Sadie said “I’m sorry if the last chapter depressed you”, when this chapter depressed me more than that one did :P I think that’s because I relate more to Sadie. I want to give her a hug, :P I’m really curious about her family. I know you said that it won’t be until the sequel, but I’m curious already… xD Oh well, I’ll just have to wait. I was glad she figured out it was a dream, because I thought for a while she wasn’t going to and I was going, “Sadie, no!!! You’re smarter than this!” xD

    The end made me feel sad too. Somebody needs to give Sadie a hug, so she knows she’s not alone. Still, even if Sadie does decide to try and defeat Amaatlik by herself, I’m sure she’ll probably be stopped by Jason or realise she needs Jason or something. And then they'll defeat Amaatlik using the Power of Friendship and all that :P Or maybe she'll decide not to go after him, and then Jason will convince her to defeat Amaatlik with him.

    I thought it was a bit weird when Amaatlik went: “Some call me Kiltaama”. I mean, nobody’s ever called him that before, so for me it seemed random :P And again there were quite a few places where I feel like the sentences could be combined together. I mean, for me it just makes the emotion feel more real (I have no idea why :P) when the sentences are longer and sort of flow together. Sadie’s dream made me sad, but sometimes I found the short sentences a bit distracting. Sorry if I’m just weird.

    Commented on: July 3, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Yes, there really is a journal like that ;) It’s the same in that they write things in it and it writes back. I'm surprised nobody's mentioned it, because it was pretty much the first thing I thought of when they found the book lol. I’m sorry, by the way. I didn’t realise you hadn’t read it, so I gave you a spoiler by saying who the diary belonged to… If you ever read Harry Potter, make sure you forget what I just told you :P I have the same thing happen to me, although not with Harry Potter. I might have told you this, but my story gets compared to Divergent a lot, which I’d never even heard of before :P

    Commented on: July 2, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Amaatlik’s powers are cool. Even though he’s a small, less powerful demon, and probably isn’t very strong physically (unless he was telling the truth when he says he’s gotten a lot stronger, I wasn’t sure if he was bluffing or not), his main powers are obviously with the mind, like the illusions he created in this chapter. I like how so far this story has had more of a “mind battle” than a physical battle. Of course, I am expecting there to be some sort of fight between Sadie, Jason and Amaatlik, but so far the mind battle and fighting amongst themselves has been interesting too. I don’t think it matters there hasn’t been much action so far, because all the possessions and fighting and confusion has been suspenseful enough :P

    I’m a bit disappointed we didn’t get a description of Amaatlik, though ;) I know Jason’s to sickened to describe him, but that makes me very curious haha. Oh well, I’ll just have to imagine it myself if he never gets described.

    “defeating an ancient monster, i.e. me?” It seems strange that someone would say i.e in speech, especially an ancient demon like Amaatlik :P Perhaps he should say “like me” instead or something. Also, at one point Amaatlik was described as saying something “evilly”. I think I remember you using that word a few times before to describe someone’s speech, and I don’t think it’s a very good descriptive word to use, as we don’t need to be told someone is evil :P

     “They are very resourceful boys.” Sadie is counted as a boy again :P

    Commented on: July 2, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    I don’t think Calvin is evil – I think he’s either being controlled by Amaatlik (as he said before that Amaatlik could not use mind control on humans, only suggest things, but Calvin isn’t a human) or Calvin was captured with Xavier and it’s Amaatlik or one of his minions in disguise. After all, he’s been pretty nice and friendly to Jason so far, so why would he suddenly abandon him? xD

    I thought it was a bit mean of Jason to hit Sadie in the face with a book (not a criticism, by the way, just an observation). It seems like he and Sadie have the opposite problem – Jason can sometimes be overly trusting, but Sadie probably doesn’t trust and accept help enough. I think I can relate more to Sadie in this aspect, as I’m a suspicious person :3

    The thing with the book was also very curious. I must admit, I’m getting a bad feeling about it, mostly because it reminds me of Voldemort’s diary from Harry Potter ;) It seems all to convenient for them to come across this house with wands and food and stuff to let them rest up before going off to defeat Amaatlik. But then, I don’t see how it could be a trick, so perhaps it really was someone wanting to help them :P Maybe I should take Jason’s advice and be more trusting ;)

    When the writing was in italics I was getting a bit confused as to who was writing what. Perhaps you could distinguish between Jason’s writing and the book’s writing somehow, maybe by bolding or underlining one of them or something like that.

    When Sadie said: "Dude, say something! Anything!" I feel that “dude” is something a girl wouldn’t say in that situation. I mean, sure they might use that word in every day speech (I know I do :P), but not when his life hangs in the balance. I think she should just say “Jason” instead. I also found it strange how, at first she distrusted the book, but then she decided to trust it because it told her to trust it? I’m not sure if I really understood that part, because it seems odd.

    I was also a bit confused as to why Jason sunk so easily to the bottom of the ocean. Humans usually float in water, because of buoyancy and all that (people drown because they can’t keep their head up, but they still stay near the surface).

    “After looking in the hole, he pulled out a giant pepperoni pizza that shouldn't have fit in the hole” I felt the use of “the hole” twice was repetitious :P

    Commented on: July 2, 2014

  • Day and Age

    I’m sorry if I offended you by saying you might not like it. I just say that when people want to read this story because I know a lot of people who don’t like depressing drama stuff, and I don’t want people to feel obligated to read it. Anyway, feel free to review at any pace you like :) I’m still the one who’s behind, so there’s no rush or anything.

    I don’t think it’s that weird that they hugged and stuff, although I probably was a bit excessive :P But I tend to be excessive about drama in general, no matter whether the characters are boys or girls. Anyway, Michael did just find out he had cancer, so I don’t think it’s that weird that they’d hug and cry (holding hands was over the top though)…  I actually have a lot of guy friends (and most of them aren’t gay) who hug each other. They hug each other more than I hug my girl friends :P But, even in saying that, please let me know if the characters (particularly Jake) are too girly. I mean, he’s not supposed to be the manliest guy in the world, but I probably step over the line at times.

    As for their appearances, that is given in chapter one. I wrote this prologue after I wrote the first chapter, and so I didn’t describe them because it’s in the next one :P They are identical twins, which is why they’re singularised (my spellcheck says that's a word) by the school.

    Commented on: July 2, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    I don’t think it matters if there are a few references to real life. I mean, this isn’t a super serious realistic story, and I haven’t noticed that many so far, so I don’t think you need to take them out. It’s kind of like the breaking the fourth wall stuff when the characters talk about the story, it’s not realistic but it’s funny to read :P

    And Calvin could have changed into a mermaid like he did in that other chapter to write it :P

    Commented on: July 1, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    I found the Mwah ha ha at the end of the letter funny :P Such villainous stuff :P And “my useless adversaries” too. Hehe.

    I also found it interesting when Sadie and Jason were talking about how being sorcerers changed them, and how they never fought before becoming sorcerers. I mean, Amaatlik may have had something to do with the extent they fought but as they said the thoughts were already there. I wonder if they’ll begin to resent their decision. I think it’s interesting, because learning magic is always seen as really cool and fun (like in Harry Potter), but I like how you’re showing the bad side of it, as missions can be scary and it’s changed them so they fight a lot more. I wonder if someone will decide to give up magic in the future or something like that (even if it’s temporary).

    Anyway, I wonder what the chocolate Jason ate will do. Maybe he’ll gain some cool but temporary powers.

    I hope Calvin and Xavier are okay. I wonder how they got themselves captured by Amaatlik, if they did. I mean, wouldn’t he have taken Jason and Sadie too, because then he wouldn’t have to worry about them coming after him if they were already under his control and kept captive wherever Xavier and Calvin are. Maybe they went somewhere by themselves, and that’s how he was able to catch them (they went swimming in the ocean or something?). Unless that note really was something Calvin had written to make Xavier less scared, like Jason had thought (but, I thought it was just wishful thinking or something :P). But then the dark shape at the end could be Calvin, so perhaps it really was something he’d written. Sorry for making you read through my weird thought processes, by the way :P

    Sadie repeated the phrase “last night” twice in some dialogue. First she said, “dream last night,” then Jason said something, and then she said “screaming and kissing for hours last night”. This might just be me and my weirdness, but I found it repetitive. I think the second one can be taken out.

     Also, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t Jekyll spelt this way instead of “Jeckle”? :P And how would Jason know about Jekyll and Hyde anyway? Does that story exist in their world too? xD

    Commented on: July 1, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    Something I found a bit odd, was when Ariana is described as holding “Fluffers the Cat”. For one thing, I don’t really see why Cat is capitalised, and we already know Fluffers is a cat :P Anyway, it seemed a bit weird ;) And this might be an American-British English thing, but I have always spelt it “nightie” and I noticed you spelt it “nighty”. I find language differences interesting. Like in this chapter, with cotton candy. In Australia we call it fairy floss. Anyway, I thought I’d point the nightie thing out, although it might not be wrong :P Sorry for being such a nerd :P

    I wonder why Ariana is scared of clowns. Is she scared of them because of the same reason I’m scared of them (they’re really creepy :P) or is there some other reason? xD

    Anyway, I’m very intrigued at the moment because I don’t really have any idea of where this story is going to go at this point (which is a good thing. I like surprises). The only thing I’m certain is going to happen is Ariana meeting her father, as I said for the last chapter. But will they meet at the jail? Will he escape? I have no idea :P Although, Ariana and Kayla are going to go travelling, I guess, that’s something. I wonder where else they’ll go after San Diego (where is that, by the way? I mean, I know it’s in America, but where?). They should come to Australia ;) Still, I’m again getting the feeling that something bad is going to happen soon. They’re far too happy :P

    Commented on: June 30, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    It’s good they’ve finally realised something is up. So Bob/Francis/possibly Amaatlik have been influencing their thoughts… I think that they’re deliberately playing on their fears and annoyances with each other so they won’t be able to work together and defeat Amaatlik. Hopefully now they’ve realised that they’ll be able to resist, and possibly get back on good terms so they can defeat him together.  But, I doubt it will really be that simple ;) I’m sure the villains have more tricks up their sleeves. Anyway I’m excited now, because Amaatlik is surely going to appear soon (if he hasn’t already as Francis/Bob).

    Although, I wonder who Calvin’s mind person was, the female one. I have a feeling that thread may be left hanging until the sequel/future sequels.

    Also, I thought Calvin was very good in this chapter. He was disagreeing and having his own opinion and stuff, which is a lot different from before when he was kind of like Jason’s sidekick wand friend :P He’s definitely a lot more distinctive now. Xavier’s comments were funny too – he seemed to be the only sane one of the group in this chapter when they were all arguing. I like that even though he’s only been in a couple of chapters, he already feels like part of the group and fits into the story well.

    I also liked the details you had in this chapter, like Sadie saying she had never really been in water before. That’s something I never would have thought of :P

     I found it confusing at the beginning, when Calvin told Sadie not to talk or breathe underwater, but then she did anyway with no ill effects. I know he used a spell on her or whatever, but it confused me a little when I read it :P Also, something that I haven’t mentioned for a long time, but I still feel like you should write said more, instead of lots of other dialogue tags. Sorry for being picky :P I’m having trouble finding things to be picky about in these chapters.

    I also found it a little strange in this chapter, when Jason accused Sadie of killing Rudolph, and she acted like she did it deliberately. I don’t know, to me it doesn’t seem like something she’d do, even if he was evil. I thought she was being influenced by Francis, but now I’m confused :P

    Commented on: June 30, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    This was a really good chapter, definitely one of my favourites (if not my favourite) so far. The second half was especially good. The action stuff was  fast paced and exciting. I’m not that much of an expert, but it seemed good to me. And Jason knowing mind magic was interesting too. As for Xavier, I think he’s Alex’s (the younger one) son, and he ran away from Draida to try and find his parents. Although, I don’t know if his wife went with him, as she wasn’t stuck on that island… Unless she died or something. Or maybe his parents are unrelated, who knows :P Still, the ending made me scared for Sadie and Calvin. I’m sure they’re still alive (Calvin is a fidi, after all), but it’s still nerve-wrecking :P

    Anyway, this chapter makes me think that Bianca must be a ghost. It was either that or accidental time traveller ;) Rudolph said a ghost wouldn’t know that they were a ghost, and she doesn’t seem to understand what happened, so maybe she died soon after Rex left. I wonder how she died, if she did.

    But I don’t think Jason is really a ghost. I mean, he could be, but I think that Francis guy just made that up to convince Sadie to leave them behind. And he bled when that guard hurt him, so… Still, his reactions to finding out he might be were funny :P Particularly when he said his parents were going to kill him :P

    I doubt Sadie would have tried to kill Rudolph (and Jason, but she thought he was already dead). It doesn’t seem at all like her. I mean, I think she meant to lock them away, but not starve them of air. Francis/Bob definitely had something to do with that, and then by saving Jason they have gained his trust and turned him against Sadie. Very crafty :P

     Ugh, Bob. Anyone named Bob is a horrible person (sorry if you know someone called Bob. I have a strange prejudice against that name…) Although I don’t think his name is really Bob, as I think Francis and him are the same person (or in league with each other) and using a fake names. I think they’re either working for or are Amaatlik. Still, the fact he though Bob was an appropriate choice tells me a lot about his character. Gosh, you must think I’m the weirdest person ever :P

    When someone is sleeping ((or in hibernation) a decent amount of oxygen is still required. Sure, you need less, but it wouldn’t be enough of a significant difference for Jason to somehow survive when the room has been starved of air. Of course, magic is involved, so it could have erased his need to breathe or something, I just think that Rudolph comparing it to sleep and hibernation was odd.

    And when you described Jason seeing Sadie in the mirror, first you said she was in Draida but then it changed to her being in the poor section of Barcos. That confused me a little :P

    “before they hurted her” hurt not hurted :P

    When Jason says to Sadie "I thought I know you!" For me that sounds weird. I think it would be better I thought I knew you, even though that’s in past tense it sounds more correct and what someone would say.

    Anyway, lots of stuff happened in this chapter, and if there's anything I haven't covered feel free to ask :) And sorry if this comment is really scatter-brained, I'm rather tired :P

    Commented on: June 30, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Sorry this comment is so late. I’ve been a bit sick these past few days :( Anyway, I’ll try and do at least three tonight to make up for it.

    Reading from Calvin’s POV was interesting. I do feel like I understand him better as an individual now, especially as he was separate from Jason and had his own issues (when he was thinking of being powerless). Although, this is something I’m wondering about. Life as a wand doesn’t seem that much different from his life as a Fidi. I mean, he can turn back into a Fidi, and he can choose to go into wand form… And he has cool powers now. Does his master (Jason) have the power to force him to obey, and that’s why it’s a punishment? Sorry for being dumb :P You’ve probably already mentioned that or something, but I forgot.

    Anyway, overall I think this chapter did do a good job of developing Calvin beyond being Jason’s wand/friend. Perhaps you could add a bit more, but if he’s supposed to be a mystery or whatever until later, then I don’t think it’s a really big issue or anything. Maybe you could give a few more hints and stuff earlier on, though, and develop him a little more gradually. But as I said it's nothing major.

    Xavier is interesting too. I wonder if he’ll become a sorcerer too.  He knows Merlin, so maybe he’s already interested in learning magic. That explains his interest in Calvin too. I wonder what part he will play in the story. At the moment I don’t really have any ideas :P Although, if he knows Merlin does that mean he knows Rex too? Or did they meet after he left?

    So, Rex’s dog is a sorcerer too or whatever… I wonder if he’s a human turned dog or if he’s really a dog like Skylos. It’s kind of sad that he has to live by himself now that Rex is stuck on that island. Although, I wonder why he asked them to leave suddenly. And it was right after Xavier asked him what happened… Hmm, suspicious :P Or maybe he just doesn’t like to be reminded of what happened to Rex.

    "But I used a homing spell and it lead me here.” It should be led instead of lead :P And I know I haven’t mentioned this in a while, but in this chapter there were another couple of places where you switched between dialogue and action without changing the paragraph. Oh, and there was a sentence of full capitals again: “WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?” (sorry, it bugs me more than it should :P)

    Commented on: June 30, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    It’s very late here, so I apologize in advance if this comment doesn’t make much sense :P

    Hah, Rose! That’s interesting that she is the same person as the nurse Ariana knew. In my country we would say that she got “Perthed” :P Although, it didn’t happen in Perth, but whatever. Either way, it’s still a small world ;) I hope she appears again (I think I said that before :P) because she was cool. I wonder how Ariana and Kayla’s relationship will be different from now on. Even though Ariana has forgiven Kayla, she has definitely revealed her “dark side” and I’m curious to see how things will change.

    I wonder if, or when, Ariana will visit her father. I have to say, I’d be very interested to see how that played out. Ariana may not think she’s that brave, but I think if she keeps building up her courage she’d be able to do it.

    In this chapter (and part of the previous one) I felt like the characters were monologuing instead of actually talking at some point. I mean, the speeches they give are very romantic or meaningful depending on the situation, but they don’t really seem like they are actually sitting there saying these things to someone else, if you know what I mean. Maybe you could break them up somehow with some sort of action or movement in between the paragraphs of dialogue. Even something as simple as clearing throats, fidgeting, the sort of things people do when they talk, may help. Otherwise, the story just stands still while the characters deliver these big speeches. Sorry if that doesn't make sense, by the way. As I said I'm very tired :P

    Also, in this chapter they kept switching between Dr Pinder and Dr Bradley. I honestly can’t remember what his name was from the last time he appeared, so I was getting a bit confused :P

    Commented on: June 27, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Hmm, that was interesting. I’m not sure whether to believe Francis or not when he says that Rudolph is a bad guy and Jason is a ghost. I did find it a bit odd that Sadie believed him so easily, though. I mean, Francis didn’t even tell her how Jason died (if he did, as I’m not convinced he’s actually dead). Sadie up until now seemed pretty smart, but she believed some guy who she was previously told was evil that her best friend is apparently a ghost very, very easily. Perhaps you should change it so she takes more convincing? I mean, later after Calvin questions her she says it was because of Rudolph’s candle breaking and because Jason had been acting weird, but for me it still seems odd. Maybe make her question Francis, and then think about those things before deciding to trust him.

    Speaking of Calvin, I’m a little suspicious of him now (sorry for being such a suspicious person). I mean, at first he questioned Sadie trusting Francis and I was like, “yeah, go Calvin!” but then he says she should have trusted him after all… I don’t know, I have a feeling he’s planning something. I don’t really have any idea what it could be, or if it's good or bad, but something :P

    I liked the humour in this chapter as well, with the guards. It was funny how they remembered who they were. I admire your use of humour, it seems very natural and not out of place, even though the rest of the chapter was quite serious.

    Anyway, the end was definitely interesting. Sadie and Jason are finally separated (I’ve been anticipating that for a while). I wonder what will happen now. I think Sadie is going to be led into a trap by Amaatlik, and then Jason and Rudolph (if he’s a good guy) will have to find her and then they’ll fight him.

    This is something I’ve noticed a couple of times. Sometimes you have really short sentences (like two or three words) that I think could easily be merged with the sentence before it. Particularly around dialogue.  Like this one: “Jason said. He laughed.” I think you could easily change that to “Jason said, laughing” and for me it would flow better that way, as the second sentence is a bit unnecessary. But it’s a very minor complaint, I was just struggling to find things to nitpick about in this chapter other than the Sadie thing so I thought I’d mention it :P

    Commented on: June 26, 2014

  • Gifted

    Haha, last time someone assumed they were committing murder (instead of just investigating it) I told them the truth and then they were like, “No, you gave me a spoiler!” But I don’t think it really was one, because I didn’t say who died or anything xD Oh well.

    I did actually consider making the Other Worlds the modern day world, but I figured they’d be too powerful that way and would’ve just curb-stomped the Gifted long ago ;)

    Commented on: June 26, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    I enjoyed the swimming lesson in the first half of the chapter. Calvin sure is a nice guy/fidi. I get a kind of “big brother” vibe from him. At least, he reminds me of my brothers. But they can’t transform into sea creatures (how disappointing).

     Although, I feel he needs a bit more “individual” characterisation, if that makes sense. It probably doesn’t, because I made it up ;) I mean, so far he’s done nice things for Jason, but I don’t really know much about him individually. I mean, what are his motivations, what was his life like, that sort of thing. I feel at the moment he needs a bit more development beyond him being nice and a friend to Jason. Of course, this could very well be in future chapters, so I’ll keep reading on to find out more about him ;)

    Anyway, the ending part definitely caught my attention. I guess Jason must have been possessed or something, to poison Sadie without remembering it. Perhaps it was by the same person who spoke to Sadie in the last chapter. Whoever it is, they must want to drive Jason and Sadie apart. At least, that’s what I think, after last chapter and this one. Or they might just want to kill her. That too :P

    I’ve been thinking about what you said. I’ve enjoyed all of the chapters I’ve read so far.  Some I’ve liked more than others, obviously, but there’s none that I’ve disliked completely. The main thing I think should be taken out or reworked is perhaps the thing with the cave when they were stranded on that island. I know it’s not meant to have any significance to the plot, and you said was supposed to show their disorientation, but when I read it I was more confused than anything. It seemed a bit random. I think it’s a good idea, but perhaps it should be reworked somehow so idiots like me don’t get confused :P Anyway, I haven’t really noticed something I thought was filler. At least, not bad filler. Most of the filler you do have (like the swimming lesson in this chapter) had character development so it’s good. There hasn’t been much action so far, but I’ll wait until I’ve read further before commenting about that. After all, Amaatlik hasn’t even appeared yet :P

    Commented on: June 25, 2014

  • Gifted

    Haha, Carey’s reaction to his death is a bit odd. She’s feeling really guilty and upset, so she’s sort of dissociated him from the boy that tried to rape and murder her. It helps that he’s around her age, and has a bit of physical resemblance to her brother, so she’s sort of imagining it happening to him or herself. Plus he just gave her that speech, so... xD

    Lol, I have to say I expected people to think that 805 was somehow connected to them… But I’m not saying whether it’s true or not ;)

    Commented on: June 24, 2014

  • Gifted

    Thanks for the comment! It’s good, your reaction to 440’s death is what I was aiming for. I didn’t want to excuse what he’d done, but at the same time I did want to redeem him a little. He’s quite a tragic character, really. I mean, he did get tortured and see his best friend be tortured in front of him, that’s enough to make most people go crazy. And while 256 made himself forget to cope with it, 440 took a… different route, shall we say.

    As for 805, the Gifted would definitely not approve of him drinking :P Another example of how he’s a hypocrite, as he’s breaking the rules but at the same time he punishes rule-breakers.

    Anyway, let’s just say that the murder they spoke of is not quite what you’re thinking… I’d say but last time I got in trouble for giving someone a spoiler (even though I don’t really think it’s spoiler). Anyway, it'll make more sense why 805 is afraid in chapter 24 ;)

    Commented on: June 24, 2014

  • Callie Cameron - Country Chaos

    There were some interesting developments in this chapter. The shadow rider is interesting – I wonder what his motivation is, and who he is for that matter. I have a feeling he may turn out to be someone close to them. Anyway, this chapter was very interesting, I enjoyed it.

    A first I found it strange that Lily Ann was able to guess the man’s exact height and weight so easily, but later when the other characters questioned her observational skills too I realised that it was a good way of showing her “double life” haha. I guess she must be pretty observant, being a crime-fighting teenager and all ;)

    Although, I found it a bit strange that they actually rode their horses to Sadie’s house instead of walking/driving. Do people really do that? I have no idea, because I’m a city girl, but I thought I’d mention it anyway :3

    There were still some grammar errors in this chapter, mostly the same dialogue stuff I talked about with the last one. Here’s something I thought I’d point out: “dark blue shudders” I think in this context it should be shutters, not shudders.

    And I smell a romance on the horizon… xD

    Commented on: June 24, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Oh! I bet it’s Amaatlik! The voice that was talking to Sadie, I mean. Wait, I change my mind. That seems almost too obvious. Now I’m thinking it’s probably someone else, although they could be working for him or something. Or maybe someone completely unrelated :P I think maybe the person is implanting thoughts in Sadie’s head, getting her and Jason to fight because he knows that together they will have a chance of stopping Amaatlik, while if they’re alone they won’t. That’s my theory, anyway :P And now that Sadie’s alone, they’ll try and get her to help them or something, and turn her against Jason completely. Wow, that was more complicated then I intended it to be :P Sorry for making you read all my weird speculations… xD

    Ruldoph is interesting too. I highly doubt he was just passing by, he must have searched for Sadie for a reason… I don’t really have any theories about him at the moment :P I’ll have to keep thinking.

    Also, I was kind of confused when Sadie said that Jason was doing this to save Bianca… At first I thought she was just saying it out of anger, but then he didn’t deny it, so now I’m confused. I mean, sure, he seemed to have a crush on her, but if your intention is for him to be actually in love with her or something then his feelings seem a little forced. Because all the references to him being in love with her I thought were just Sadie and stuff teasing him, until this chapter when I thought, ‘Wait, he’s really in love with her? What?’ I mean, he barely even mentions her in his narrations. I know I’m a cynical old lady (who’s trapped in a young body) but I need more to convince me :P Particularly if it’s meant to be an important part of his motivation.

    This sentence bugged me a little: “That was three ways to go; north, east, and west.” I think “there were” would be better here :P

    I know I haven’t really been saying this, but feel free to ask me any question you’d like. I just remembered and thought I should say that :P

    Commented on: June 24, 2014