The Killer, a Supernatural story | SparkaTale

Sparkatale

The Killer

By: Genevieve Middleton

Status: In Progress

Summary:

Creatures live within the minds of some humans. They are determined to make their masters happy, and they will do so at any cost. Even if that means consuming them entirely.

Created: November 22, 2014 | Updated: April 18, 2017

Genre : Supernatural

Language : English

Reviews: 1 | Rating:

Comments: 55

Favorites: 8

Reads: 3376


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1: The Funeral 2248
2: Hear My Voice 1781
3: When We Were Young 1504
4: Family Drama 2665
5: Cracks 2084
6: A Broken Promise 2598
7: We Can Smile at the Old Days 1643
8: Underneath It All 3383
9: Home 3643
10: The End Begins 2607
Total Wordcount: 24156

Reviews (1)


  • Cho and Gall

    This story is a most intriguing, unique tale I've not seen described in such a way other forms of literature showcase. The characters are mostly understandable and easy, if not at rare times tough to identify with, the tale told is linear and straightforward in a near-flawless first-person narration, showing how the main character feels on the inside in a believable way, but also bears a tang of the strange and demented and that leaves a deliciously troubling, lasting impact on my psyche.

    Rating:
    February 25, 2016 Flag


Comments / Critiques


    • Chapter: 1 Reply

      I've been meaning to read this for a while, but somehow I've never managed to get around to it until now :( Anyway, since you've written this in first person I have to congratulate you for braving that method of writing. I'm usually pretty bad at it, I think, so any time I read something where it is done well it's the first thing I mention. The perspective really was good and I think you used it well to show Nate's feelings and emotions so good job there :) The flow of the story was really good and smooth too. His thoughts on everyone thinking he was the killer was heartbreaking and the entire scene in the cemetery made me feel really sad.

      The description of the murder was really good too. Awful and disturbing, obviously, but very good :P I wonder who the killer really is? I don't think Nate did it, unless he has one of the mind creatures that made him do it... Okay, it's way too early for theories xD And Brandon. I wonder why Nate was so afraid of him? Anyway, a really good start! I'm very interested to see where this goes.

       

      December 20, 2014 | Serina Harcourt


    • Reply

      Thanks so much for the comment!!! I’m glad the first person was okay haha. I’ve never written in that style before, so it was definitely unfamiliar for me. It didn’t really help that the main character is a man, and a lot older than I am… xD Lol, I created so many problems for myself.

      I say it’s never too early for theories :P Lauren’s killer is actually revealed quite early on, so in this case early theories are better.  Brandon’s role is probably more ambiguous, although in my opinion fairly obvious as well, but it’s not revealed for a while :P But, I suppose I wrote so I’ll have to see whether others think it’s obvious or not.

      December 21, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 1 Reply

      From the other examples I have seen of your writing, it translates just as well to first person. I'm not much of a first person writer, so I applaud you for giving it a go, especially one that was as successful as this. I didn't find anything wrong with the way you wrote it.

      As for the opening chapter, I liked it. You made it short and sweet. No excessive details, although I do feel as if we could of heard a little of his speech. At the moment, it's tricky to find ground on which to base our opinion of if he's guilty or not. If we heard some of his speech, a little more interaction, I think it would help. Nate is certainly behaving strange, which has me interested. His thought process was written well and clearly.

      The ending was maybe the best part. It ended with enough suspense to propel the reader all the quicker into the next chapter. You left us with no answers, which is an excellent ploy to get us reading on. I say good job.

      December 26, 2014 | A . Nonymous


    • Reply

      I'll be reading the second chapter later tonight, I thought I had more time than I did.

      December 26, 2014 | A . Nonymous


    • Reply

      Thanks for the comment! Haha, I’m glad the first person was okay. I started this when I was stuck on my other stories and thought I should try something different. You’re right, I probably should show more of his speech… I don’t know why I didn’t in the first place, actually :P I'll probably be able to get to your story tomorrow, I'm busy tonight :)

      December 27, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 2 Reply

      The tone of this chapter was quite dismal, right up until the end. It seemed to be just a depiction of the normal aftermath, distraught husband and children, especially after such a brutal murder. You described that wonderfully, by the way. It was sprinkled about, graphic enough, but sparse enough it wouldn't shy the faint of heart away. At least, I don't think...

      Then, we reached the end. I wondered if at first, the lines you had italicized were just his thoughts. You've proven very well Nate blames himself, he's encountering very real guilt, I like that. Then we reached that end. It was a total twist to the story, albeit, given the summary, we knew something was up. You hardly gave us any information, as you did with the last chapter, just enough for us to know there's something in Nate, and it killed his wife with his hands. That's a great concept. I'm excited to see where you take it.

      December 27, 2014 | A . Nonymous


    • Reply

      Thanks for the comment! I’m glad you like the ending haha. So far most people seem to assume from the first chapter that the story will be a murder mystery, so I’m always worried how people will react when her killer is actually revealed in the second chapter (although, you don’t know much about them, so I suppose it’s still a mystery :3). But, luckily people seem to have liked it the way it is and not complained, so I suppose it must be alright. Anyway, I’m happy you thought the italicised parts were his thoughts at first – that’s what Nate thinks they are, so it’s fitting :P

      December 28, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 2 Reply

      This chapter right here is exactly why I'm not supposed to read stuff when I'm home alone and sitting in the dark :P That last section was absolutely terrifying. Anyway, this chapter was really dark and gloomy (in a good way). Poor Nate is barely holding it together, it seems. Once again his emotions are very well described and heartbreaking. I really liked Nate and Max's interactions as well. I felt so sorry for little Max. Poor little boy losing his mother like that... :(

      The description of the way Nate found Lauren's head was chilling and disturbing, and combined with the ending... wow. I'm really creeped out. You weren't kidding when you said Lauren's killer is revealed early on. I wasn't expecting to find out so soon :P I was thinking a murder mystery for at least a little while, so I'm glad you went a different route and surprised me. I didn't think Nate did it either, so you surprised me twice even if it was something else using his hands to do the deed. That creature/ghost/spirit/demon whatever the heck it is is really creepy with the way it talked about making Nate happy... O.o Anyway, this chapter was a little short but very interesting. It was dark, depressing, and downright terrifying. I'm excited to see what you do with it next :)

      January 2, 2015 | Serina Harcourt


    • Reply

      Lol, it surprised me the way nearly everyone who read this thought it was going to be a murder mystery :P Originally it was going to be revealed in the first chapter, but I liked the ending of him running away from Brandon so I put it in this one instead. Still, I’m glad it was a surprise, as well as Nate (sort of) being the one to kill her.

      I’m glad Max and Nate’s interactions were good too :) I was worried about Max, because I’ve never really been around young children much. I did deliberately make him act a little younger than he is (being all clingy and stuff) since he’s very vulnerable at the moment. Anyway, I hope he’s realistic xD

      January 2, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 1 Reply

      Hmmm, is Brandon a creature living in Nate's mind? He didn't get there until the end, and Max didn't seem to react. The way he asked (quietly) about how Connor was doing made me think that, if he is the "creature," maybe he was warning him somehow. I hope Connor's okay :( Brandon actually seemed kind of sad at the end, what with his mouth wobbling and his hands in his pockets. It's strange given Nate's reaction to him, so maybe it represents his unwillingness to face the dark thoughts in his head (?)

      Or that guy could just be the one who killed Lauren, like maybe her ex-lover and he killed her out of jealousy but his apparent sadness is due to regret. He could be the one with a creature in his mind, and the creature "made" him kill her so he would be happy. 

      [Funerals are supposed take place]
      [I’ve manage to make it]
      [It’s not his fault He doesn’t know Lauren as I do.]
      [My lip wobbles and I have to bite my lip]

      [She is watching us, biting her lip so hard a small amount of blood is dribbling down her chin.] A lot of lips in this chapter! Just kidding, I just thought this was a bit dramatic, used a lot in your stories.

      [My stepfather is hurrying behind her, his long face uncharacteristically solemn as he nods in greeting.] A long face in uncharacteristically solemn? Sorry if I'm missing something here. I think I am xD

      [She drove this morning, but the car is mine.] It might be helpful to say why she was driving his car, for people who don't know :P Unless it was said somewhere and I just can't find it.

      I like the way you conveyed Nate's emotion in the beginning, showing instead of telling: [I smile bitterly as I notice the sun blazing down upon them. Isn’t it supposed to be raining?] You also did a good job of showing Max's feelings by describing his crying in different ways, like him howling and his tears staining his father's shirt. The story overall had good detail from his and Frances's actions such as him clinging to Nate even though he didn't usually do that in public, and Frances holding up the cars.

      I find it hard to believe that you're new to this sort of style. It worked well, and was a smart choice since the focus is on the narrators emotions. I don't know why you wrote it in the presence tense or from a male's perspective, but it's still cool that you tried something new.

      It's going to be interesting when you reveal more about what their lives are like, and how the story evolves. I assume it has a lot to do with the background of the murder and the theme of the story itself. Something tells me that it won't just be about the murder, but some bigger picture to elaborate on the creature things.

      January 21, 2015 | David Boyce


    • Reply

      Thanks for the comment! I should get to your stories soon :)

      Well, I meant that he literally has a long face as opposed to a short, round one, but I should probably find a different way to say that because of the usual expression of someone having a long face :P As for Frances driving his car, I figured she stayed over at his house or something the night before and then insisted she drive because of Nate's emotional state. But I’ll add that in. Thanks for pointing those out, and the other errors as well.

      I’m glad the style okay. I wrote it that way mostly because I was bored and stuck on my other stories at the time so I thought I’d try something completely different xD I decided to challenge myself so that's why I wrote it from an older, male POV. It's fun to make things hard for myself :P

      As for Brandon, one of your guesses is sort-of similar to what his deal really is, but still quite different :P Anyway, it won’t be long before you find out who Lauren’s killer is.

      January 23, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 3 Reply

      Oh my GOD!

      I love this story and really its sooooo twisted and i LOVE THAT!

      Can't wait to read more!!!!

      January 23, 2015 | Yee Lee Chen


    • Reply

      Thanks so much for reading! Haha, I hope you continue to enjoy the story :)

      January 27, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 2 Reply

      Noooooo :O It's frightening to know that the protagonist is also, in a way, the antagonist given that Bob - I'm calling the demon dude Bob - said that he was a part of Nate. So the vengeful thoughts are technically Nate's and he really was the one who killed Lauren, despite being upset that everyone thought/knew it was him. Maybe the Nate that's been narrating isn't an accurate portrayal of his character, and he's really a malicious person. Is Bob a personification of some sort of mental illness? Would that explain how he took away Nate's memory, and how Nate can't wake up without him? Or he could represent something abstract like temptation. revenge, or moral weakness. Two things that stood out to me was the fact that he seems like a pretty positive guy, and that it seems he isn't done with making Nate "happy."

      [I don’t know how she manages to keep her grey hair so neatly curled and resist getting spit or other bodily fluids on her freshly pressed blouse and long, black skirt.] Talking about her "resisting" getting the bodily fluids on her clothes seemed awkward to me. I would probably say "...and prevent spit or other bodily fluids from getting on..."

      [I can tell she’s desperate to ask me how the funeral went, but thankfully she’s resisting the temptation. Elaine opens the door wide so Max and I can shuffle inside.] It seemed weird that he referenced Elaine by her name in the middle of the paragraph, after he said "she" and we knew who he was talking about.

      Wow, was he really going to pay her $200? I know that's only about 158.65460891639 American dollars but still, he said he needed money being a single dad. You Australians are quite generous :P Also, would being a secondary teacher earn him enough money to get him out of his economic situation? I don't know how much they're paid where you live so that's not a rhetorical question :P

      [I don’t believe in the afterlife or anything like that, at least I wouldn’t have to suffer anymore.] I would put a "but" after the comma.

      [But I don’t blame him one bit – I blame her.] It's picky of me to say this, but italicizing "her" would make things clearer.

      [...I’ll get someone to over your classes.”]

      One thing that this story has in common with your other ones is the profoundness of the characters' emotions. I really admire how well you write them, and how they're balanced with the physical side of the story. Overall the characters are relatable and realistic but not clichéd; we don't get the feeling that we've seen it all before. Nate certainly isn't a stereotypical man, nor Bob what one would expect of a demon :P

      I also liked how there were parts that were awkward, to make it more realistic. When Elaine almost brought up Lauren's death and when Nate was crying then fell asleep in the bathroom, it made the reader go "no, don't do that" (which is a good thing, I think, since we feel a connection to them) and it also shows their humanity.

      So we know that Lauren and Nate got into a fight. It wasn't over the bedding, was it? Their backstory is intriguing, and makes me think I should reconsider how I think about the characters. Lauren hurt him, but Nate felt guilt so maybe they both did something bad.

      Brandon's role in all of this is something else that's on my mind. I don't think he and Bob are the same person, because Nate already knew Brandon but didn't recognize Bob's "voice." The faceless man was Bob, right? I wonder what he's going to do next. If Nate's the titular character, then I suppose anything could happen.

      January 27, 2015 | David Boyce


    • Reply

      Bob, huh? I think he’s a Nigel, personally :P Anyway, whether Bogel is a real creature or just a part of Nate’s psychosis is supposed to be ambiguous, at least for the moment xD Thanks for pointing out those mistakes.

      Heheh, 200 dollars is still overly generous xD I’ve never really done any babysitting, but my friends who have were paid 50 dollars at most. Still, Nate feels the need to pay more for a couple of reasons: Firstly, Elaine isn’t a teenager, secondly Connor’s only a very young baby and therefore needs more care, and lastly because he kind of knows she won't accept it (even if he only offered her 20 bucks) but wants to express his gratitude.

      I honestly don’t know how much high school teachers earn xD I don’t think they’re paid that badly, though it wouldn’t be a great amount. But, I’d imagine his parents and probably Lauren’s are helping him keep up with payments and stuff, since it’s their grandkids he’s looking after.

      Yes, Lauren and Nate fought over their bedding and that’s why Nigel/Nate killed her :P He was so enraged that she’d chosen the colour purple that he lost his temper and let Nigel take over, you see. I guess he and I would never get along xD Purple’s the best colour, just sayin’.

      January 27, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 3 Reply

      The spirit creature continues to be absolutely chilling to read about. I'm really glad you included it's POV because it adds a lot to the creepy factor. It's interesting to learn more about the creature too, what it's limitations are, that sort of thing. So, it's trying to feed Nate bad memories of Lauren in order to get stronger? Well, we don't want that, do we? :P Especially since it seems to be planning even more vicious murders of other people close to Nate. Oh, out of random curiosity, if someone were to stroll into the room while the creature was floating about disconnected from Nate, would they be able to see it? Weird question and you may not be able to tell me if it's important to the story or something. I was just wondering xD I want to know random things :P 

      The rest of the chapter made me really sad. Seeing the way Nate and Lauren met, knowing that she's doomed, was really heartbreaking. I wasn't expecting to actually meet Lauren properly since she's dead, so that was really nice. Unfortunately, I really like her :P She has all these dreams and goals, she's funny and musical and managed to completely and humorously fluster Nate, who clearly has no idea what he's doing xD Poor guy. Still, he didn't do too bad. He managed to get a coffee date, after all.

      Anyway, it was interesting to see how Nate and Lauren met. I liked Nate as he was back then. He's clearly a very different person now than he used to be. Of course, I imagine being inhabited by a mind controlling creature and finding your wife's body would no doubt do that to anyone. Anyways, another good, creepy, and heartbreaking chapter. Nice job!

      Heh, from this point forward Nate will be forever known as Mr Chemistry xD

      February 2, 2015 | Serina Harcourt


    • Reply

      Thanks for the comment! Lol, I honestly haven’t thought about that xD I wouldn’t think they’d be able to see it. They might feel its presence or something, but they wouldn’t know what it was.

      Yeah, Nate’s definitely a lot different here :P Not just because of Lauren’s death and the creature, but because he’s in a different stage of life – in this chapter he’s fresh out of university and being hit on by a girl he thinks is way out of his league. But, by the main story he’s married to her with kids, so I guess he’s more mature overall and more confident of Lauren’s feelings for him.

      Anyway, this probably won’t end up being the last time Lauren appears. I don’t plan ahead much for this story but there’s things I’d like to write about that I feel are best if seen in this way, as flashbacks, so there will probably be more. And it makes sense in the story since the creature likes to poke around memories, so hopefully they won't seem random :P

      February 3, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 3 Reply

      Wow...My mind has been just been blown. So that's the dream he was having, and how they first met. Wow. I've reached the conclusion that the brain creature guy / Bogel / Nigel is evil, since he wasn't all "Aaawwww dey so cuuuuute" when watching Nate and Lauren meet. Anyway, I think Nigel is really Lauren's ghost/soul and she was so sad that she was unable to realize her dream and made Nate kill her so that she wouldn't have to go through the shame of suicide. It would also explain why "Nigel" said that "he" loves him so much and stuff, and doesn't want him to blame himself. As for why "he's" mad at "that woman," I can't explain why she's talking about herself in the third person but maybe she's mad at herself because of all the pain she's putting him through.

      Anyway, the first sentence was good. You don't usually hear people say, "If I could yawn, I’d be yawning right now." It's just that the rest of the first paragraph was a bit redundant, since he put so much emphasis on the fact that he was powerless. Unless that was intentional :)

      Some wee typos:
      [I did teaching because nothing else you could do with chemistry really interested me.] 
      [I’ll look like an moron]
      [I just want to be with the people I love and be happy.]

      I only bring up this next point because some people (yours truly) just don't get things. So when it shifted to Nate's POV I thought it was the day after he got home from the funeral, and was confused by his change in age. Also, I was going to say, "No Nate, don't fall in love with that puta! Stay loyal to your wife!" So yeah, maybe use the past tense or say "Ten years ago" but it's not essential or anything. 

      I really like how you started with Nigel's narration (gosh he's disgusting) which makes it really suspenseful, and then you transitioned into the dream he was watching Nate experience. It's funny, because they were talking about dreams while they were in a dream. It's dreamception! :P I like that theme, and I feel like it's going to be relevant to future chapters. Hopefully this won't be an imitation the movie Up though :P

      You've been rather careful with your writing. I noticed that Nate's narration in the dream was different from the preceding ones - He's changed a lot since then, hasn't he? - but they're the same as when he was remembering Lauren, e.g. the descriptions of how beautiful she is. It was also neat how you used "sings" as her dialogue tag once, referencing the fact the she was a singer. And that ending was well done too. Why him? Very thought-provoking question. Maybe it's because of his confidence, but something tells me it's more than that.

      “’...So, Mr Chemistry. What’s your dream? And don’t say it’s me.” xD

      Sorry if I left anything out. Let me know if you have any questions.

      February 5, 2015 | David Boyce


    • Reply

      Thanks for the comment! Lol, Up xD To be honest when I wrote this I more had the dreams theme from Tangled in mind (how girly of me :P). But, the plot is definitely not going to be like either of those movies :P

      Thanks for pointing out those typos and the stuff about the POV change. I’ll try to make the fact it’s a dream clearer.

      Yes, Nate has definitely changed a lot since he met Lauren. He’s at a completely different time of his life – back then he was single, just out of university, and now he’s married with kids and responsibilities. And Lauren’s death changed him a lot too, for obvious reasons. Anyway, I’m glad that seemed to get through.

      February 5, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 4 Reply

      You know, that's actually a really interesting question. Being a lover of the supernatural, I really like having the creature's POV in there. It adds a lot of creepiness to the story that I enjoy as well. On the other hand, it would definitely be much more mysterious if we didn't know who killed Lauren especially after this chapter. Frances asking where Nate was loses it's impact since we already know where Nate was. So... that's a tough one :P I really like things as they are, but I can see the benefit of taking it out too. Ack, I'm torn on this. I guess if I just had to make a choice I would take it out just because I think the mystery and intrigue elements would be amazing if we didn't know, and the creature's POV could always come in a little later on. It all depends on what you're looking to do because to me it works well either way xD I'm useless at making decisions, if you couldn't tell :P What are you thinking about it? Obviously you're questioning it, but I mean which direction are you leaning towards?

      Anyway, to the actual chapter. I love Max there at the beginning. He's such a little boy :P He's cute. Nate thinking all of those terrible things about Lauren was really creepy. That's one place I think knowing about the creature really raises the creepiness factor. Knowing what's really happening there was absolutely spine-chilling. 

      Well, Olivia's a delight, isn't she? :P I'm really curious about her. She seems suspicious xD She's always perfectly put together and she's just too nice, even if she was being passive-aggressive. Hmm... maybe she has a creature of her own? Eh, I'm reaching now xD But Frances, I must say I never saw that coming. So I'm guessing the creature made Nate think he was with Frances that night so he wouldn't remember killing Lauren? Why did she cover for him if she knew he wasn't with her? If the police find out, she'll be in a lot of trouble. Oooh, maybe she has a creature and the creatures are working together! Okay, I'm sorry, I'll stop xD 

      I was wondering when we'd come back to Brandon. Who is this guy? What did he do to rattle Nate so badly? Whatever he did, it's enough to make Nate seem pretty confident in accusing him. I'm really excited to hopefully learn more about him soon. Anyway, overall another good chapter that's given me lots to think about. I still don't know for sure what I'd do about the creature's POV :/ Honestly, I'd probably be asking the same question in your place xD  

       

      February 27, 2015 | Serina Harcourt


    • Reply

      I don’t know either, that’s the problem xD I guess I’m leaning towards taking it out… After writing this chapter I was just felt like it would be better without it, since as you say it does take away from the impact of Frances asking where he was and stuff. There will be POV moments for the creature later, and I think it may be better to wait until then, but I do like the supernaturalness it adds so I’m a bit torn :/

      Lol, Olivia was a lot of fun to write about :P I based her off the upper class suburban mums that populate my neighbourhood in spades. As for Brandon, there should be some new info on him quite soon… ;) In my opinion his role in the story is fairly obvious, so you may figure it out quite easily. I have no idea. It seems obvious to me, anyway, but then I wrote it so I guess that’s to be expected :P

      February 28, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 4 Reply

      *Gasp* It's all so very clear now! Olivia's the Killer! :D I bet those "gifts" were actually bombs, and she meant to blow up the rest of the family. I could literally feel the evilness radiating from her passive aggression, and Nate could too. He said she was pretty "in a much more unnatural way" so maybe she's not even human.

      [I breathe a sigh of relief and I stand up.] 

      [I grab Connor’s bag and carry him out to the car] Did Nate stuff Connor into a bag and use it to carry him?? Holy merda. 

      [But I think I the guests would have liked to see you there.]

      [“I’m running late,” I say, which will be true if I have to help her unload a car full of gifts.] It's already true that he's running late, so I would say "and I really would be late"

      [but she doesn’t burst into tears over a phone call like this.] This is really picky, but "wouldn't" or "would never" seem more appropriate given the context.

      [to you think] I hadn't thought about taking out the part with Nigel but yeah, as much as I like dramatic irony and how you wrote from his POV, the way this story is coming out now I think it would be a lot more powerful if readers don't know that Nate really is Lauren's murderer. I feel like doing so would make it more mystery-themed, while leaving Nigel's POV in would make it more of a horror story.

      You did a great job of details and elaboration in this chapter. It's the longest so far at about 2,710 words but no more happened than in the others due to its complexity.

      Hahaha, I liked the part when he mixed up Max's and Connor's breakfast. That and the fact that Max found his dad in the bathroom really added to the emotion of the chapter, making us feel uncomfortable in a way that we felt what Nate was feeling,

      The beginning and end were well written too. The beginning with "Dad!", Lauren microwaving pasta, and the world shaking was rather disorienting. I especially like the end though, when he got everybody's attention by dropping the phone and bringing our attention to Brandon.

      I wonder why he thinks Brandon is the one who killed Lauren, what he did to make him suspicious. Frances revealed that Nate isn't the only one who's wary of him but they all still think that Nate killed her. I know they don't know for sure, since she asked him where he was that night, but he's still frighteningly close to being caught. I can't wait to see the conversation between Brandon and Nate.

      It's sad to see Nate's development as Nigel starts to take control. One of them is accusing all these people, i.e. Olive and Brandon, making them seem suspicious, so there might be lost of trust in the future. It makes me think if he'll lose trust in himself too, when Nigel makes him have all these thoughts. Both he and Lauren had their inner demons, her doing something and "ruining" his dream (I wonder what that could be?) and him somehow assuming guilt for what she did but also admitting that he thought he was better than her.

      I noticed that the thoughts Nigel had about Lauren were at times more or less those that Nate had about himself. He thought Nate would be better off without Lauren, but Nate was thinking about how she would be more so then he was if he were the one who had died. Also Nigel said that Lauren thought she was better then him when really it was the other way around. I don't know if this is intentional or what it would mean, like maybe Lauren is actually a part of him (they're the same person) that he lost/disowned? That doesn't really make sense though, does it? xD   

      February 28, 2015 | David Boyce


    • Reply

      Thanks for the comment. Thanks for answering my question too. I did originally envision The Killer as being more of a horror story, and perhaps it will become one later, but at this stage I think it would be better as a mystery so I probably will take the creature’s POV parts out. When I was writing chapter 4, I just felt like this one in particular would be a lot better if the readers didn’t know about Nate being the one to kill her, cos then there would be more mystery with his phone call to Frances and stuff. I might give Nigel some POVs later when it does become more horror-like but I think for now I’ll stick to Nate’s and take the other bits out :P

      Anyway, something I thought I’d clear up – this line: “Besides, Lauren never thought she was better than me. I was the one who thought that, remember?” was supposed to mean that Nate was the one who thought Lauren was better than him, instead of Lauren herself. Sorry if it came across as him thinking he was the better one. I’ll try and make that clearer.

      February 28, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 5 Reply

      So I went back and reread from the beginning and I must say that I really do like it without the supernatural bits. Even knowing what's really going on, there's a good sense of mystery and suspense in there that flows really well from chapter to chapter. I'll miss the supernatural stuff for sure, but it's a nice change in my opinion.

      I really enjoyed the blend of humor (Nate's thoughts on the poor guy with his wallet and the two receptionists. My parent's apartment building had a receptionist just like that :P) and everything else that Nate's dealing with in this chapter. Oh, Nate, that wasn't the best idea going to the police with absolutely no evidence other than your own suspicions. Especially not when you already look very guilty. Still, I guess he had to if he thinks he could have done it. I'm so curious about whatever it is about Brandon that makes Nate think he would murder Lauren, and why would that make Nate look even more guilty? Ah, the questions keep building xD 

      Nate's memories about his parents were really sad :( Whether it actually happened or is pieced together from multiple times as Nate thinks, it's terrible. It's interesting that Nate feels that he couldn't protect his mother. He was only a little boy, but I did find it realistic that he would feel that way. Kids tend to think that way, I've found, so good job on that. I wonder what ever happened to his parents? Oh, I don't like this new idea of Nate's to confront Brandon. There's no way that can go well. Oh, Max :((( That little boy can make me more sad than anything else. I hope he'll be okay, but he's so young and a loss like that at that age... I'm really worried for him.

      March 15, 2015 | Serina Harcourt


    • Reply

      I’m glad it’s okay without the supernatural stuff. I was worried since the story is labelled as supernatural so I feel like they should be there already, but it will appear later so hopefully that will be okay.

      Lol, the thing with the guy’s wallet was based off something that happened when I was a kid xD Someone left the backdoor open and a robber ran through our house. He stole Mum’s handbag but her wallet fell out when he was running away, so he didn’t really steal anything important in the end :P Yeah, Nate really hasn’t thought his accusation of Brandon through very well. Going to the police with no evidence to back yourself up and confronting your suspect at his workplace really isn’t the best way to get him nailed for the crime, but Nate’s getting desperate for someone to blame everything on and isn’t thinking very rationally at the moment :/

      I’m glad that Nate’s feelings as a kid seemed realistic. I honestly don’t know anyone who’s been in that situation so I was worried about that. Really there’s nothing Nate could have done to stop him from beating her, and if he had tried his father probably would have beat him too. But having to listen to it and being unable to help has haunted him a lot. Still, the woman he’s referred to as his mother in previous chapters is his biological one though, so she (and Nate) did manage to get away from him.

      March 15, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Reply

      Oh my God, that actually happened?! Well, that's a great example of drawing on your life experiences for inspiration :P Geez, that must have been one heck of day.

      March 15, 2015 | Serina Harcourt


    • Chapter: 6 Reply

      I love never knowing at the start of each chapter whether we’re going to be in the past or the present. It’s fun not knowing what to expect and which version of Nate we’ll be getting. I couldn’t help but laugh at Nate’s thoughts on Perth public transportation system xD But really, Nate? You didn’t pick up your girlfriend for your date? Okay, man… strike one :P Anyway, I enjoyed the glimpse of Nate’s parents and hope to see more of them at some point, particularly Nate’s dad. It takes a special kind of person to accept another man’s son as his own the way Dale seems to have. Nate makes a good point that bringing up the topic of his father would be a difficult thing to do, and especially to your girlfriend. Ah, somehow I would have guessed that Nate would be been a complete wreck when meeting Lauren’s parents :P Poor guy. Oh well, at least Lauren made a good first impression. Lol “I think Mum’s already started planning our wedding.” Ellen sounds like my mother xD

      I’ve got to say, Nate and Lauren are entirely too cute together, what with her spinning around under Nate’s arm and stuff. The whole scene in the parking lot was really sweet, especially when Nate said he loved her. The hopeless romantic in me said ‘Awwww’ :P Of course, it serves to make Lauren’s untimely demise all that much more tragic :( You managed to make me happy and all romantic and really sad all at the same time, so good job!

      Oh, Nate… let’s not go down this road. You’re happy and in love, and she loves you. Don’t go questioning stuff or doubting her or yourself. Oh, you’re going to do it anyway? Oh, alright fine :P I was really happy to see Lauren take a direct, no nonsense approach to Nate’s doubts. Although, I can completely understand where he’s coming from, I’m glad Lauren was very upfront about her feelings on the matter. She seems like a girl that isn’t going to beat around the bush about anything. I’d say I hope Nate keeps his promise, but… well, the chapter title… :P Anyway, overall I really liked this chapter. It’s definitely one of my favorites so far, aided by an expertly placed Breaking Bad reference xD I’m really interested to find out what happens next.

      April 8, 2015 | Serina Harcourt


    • Reply

      Thanks for the comment! Lol, if you ever find yourself having to strike up a conversation with a Perthian, complaining about the public transport is bound to get you a good twenty minutes xD Other possible topics include complaining about the heat and complaining about the government :P Anyway, moving on. Nate’s parents will definitely appear again, although I’m not quite sure when. But it will happen at some point.

      I’m glad Nate and Lauren were cute. I was trying to make them seem like a normalish couple, in that sense, so I’m happy it worked. But yeah, Lauren’s not one to mess around with stuff like that. If she doesn’t like something, you know it.

      And lol, you have no idea how much I’ve been dying to put in a Breaking Bad reference :P That’s part of why I made Nate a chemistry teacher instead of biology or physics or whatever in the first place. It was too tempting to resist.

      April 8, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 1 Reply

      I really like that you use em-dashes to show the interruptions of his mental narration. It makes for great pacing. That, and I have a thing for em-dashes—my typographical crush... Them, and ellipses.

      June 30, 2015 | Evelyn Doyle


    • Reply

      Thanks so much for the comment! Hahaha, I must admit I’m rather fond of ellipses myself. I probably use them too much :P

      June 30, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 7 Reply

      If ever there was a book I wish was a Netflix series so I could binge watch it, it's this one. At the end of a chapter, I'm constantly left wanting more xD Of course, that means you're doing it right. Anyway, I'm immensely curious how Nate's meeting with Brandon is going to go. I doubt it will go well, but who knows? Brandon obviously won't confess, so I'm not at all sure what's going to happen but it should be interesting.

      I feel awful for Nate :( I mean I've always felt awful for Nate, but in this chapter especially. I can't imagine how terrible it must be to have everyone you know believe you're a murderer. To know you didn't do something, and to have all of your friends, family, even your students think you did would really suck. I may have said so before, but I love the subtle hints of what's really going on in Nate's mind. I mean, I know parts of what's up having read it before you changed things, but I'm trying to read it as though I don't know anything. Anyway, those little almost schizophrenic moments with him hearing voices saying he hated Lauren are a great addition. It gives the whole thing a rather spooky feel since clearly something is up with Nate. That final line is really chilling.

      The part with Max was so sweet and sad. Max is absolutely the cutest little boy ever xD I just love him. I laughed entirely too long at "I'm ugly" xD Them looking at the photos was really sad, but I was happy to see both of them laughing, even if only for a moment. It seemed very realistic that Max would see his parents fighting and wonder if they loved each other. How the minds of babes work :P Anyway, another good chapter and I can't wait to see what happens with Brandon when Nate meets up with him. Please don't do anything stupid, Nate. I don't know much about Brandon, but he worries me. A lot.   

      July 14, 2015 | Serina Harcourt


    • Reply

      Thanks for the comment! Lol, I’m glad the story seems Netflixable :P Well, keep wondering how their meeting will go because you’ll find out very soon :3 Nate is really struggling with everyone thinking he’s the murderer, but in reality part of it is all in his head. Sure, there are some people who truly believe he killed her, but a decent portion don’t or are indifferent. For example, Nate is famous at the school not because the students think he murdered his wife, it’s more because they know his wife was murdered. They’re wary of him because they are wondering if he’ll break down into tears or something, rather than being afraid of a murderer. But in Nate’s paranoid mind everyone is watching him and judging him wherever he goes.

      Lol, I’m glad Max is cute xD I find him rather difficult to write, so I’m really glad you think his thoughts are realistic. I can’t say I am usually around five year old boys, and I‘ve also never met any whose mother died suddenly, so makes it difficult for me to really predict how he’d act :/

      July 15, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 1 Reply

      Well I have a free night, I have nothing on my agenda other than editing my own story, and reviewing and reading others, so I'll read as much of The Killer as I can. If this chapter was any indication, it won't be a laborious read. 

      I noticed that your stories gained quite a lot of readers and reads, and it's not hard to see why. Your writing style is fantastic - I'm not normally a fan of present tense in stories but I couldn't imagine this written in any other way - and your ability of portraying emotion is incredible. While I focus on characters roughly in their teenage years, you branch out with various demographics, parents and relatives and children. The funeral, and the loss of a character before the story even begins, was beautifully done. I also noticed towards the end, the sentence The real Lauren, and The funeral woman, which gives me the impression that she wasn't as perfect as she was made out to be, like there was friction among both her and Nate before the tragic event...

      There's not a flaw that I can pick out - it read as professionally as established authors. Well done, now onwards...

      July 31, 2015 | Danny Power


    • Reply

      Thanks for the comment! This story was kind of an experiment of mine, since I’ve never really written in first person before. I’m not usually a big fan of present tense either, but for this story I felt it was a lot more effective to have it that way. It’s funny, I used to focus on mostly teenagers too, and always wrote from a girl’s POV, but now I usually like to vary the ages and genders of my main characters. It can’t because I’m getting older or something like that, I only left my teenage years a month ago xD I guess my writing tastes have changed or something. Anyway, thanks for reading. I’m glad you enjoyed the chapter :) I’m not sure if I’m deserving of such praise haha.

      August 1, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 2 Reply

      Again, I can't help but admire the way you added so much feeling into your chapters. It's quite difficult for writers to do this - I've had my criticisms over lack of it in the past, but the way you write the characters, of Elaine and Nate, their dialog, his son. Something as trivial as making a child sleep in his own bed after what had happened to Lauren...

      While on that subject, Lauren is really turning into an enigma, even though she will never feature in the story. I'm curious as to what she had done, though I have my theories.

      Something I picked up on, however (and I'm not sure whether this matters or not.) was that you don't capitalize the first word after a quote? 

      Example: ("That's not fair!" he said.)
      As opposed to: ("That's not fair!" He said.)

      Is there a right way to do that? I had always thought that you had to capitalize the first word after a quote if said quote was at the beginning of the line. 

      But please don't think of that as criticism, merely a curiosity. I can assure you that your chapter was beautifully written, with more than enough vulnerability, horror, and emotion to keep the reader interested!

      August 1, 2015 | Danny Power


    • Reply

      Thanks for the comment! I was taught that since writing your dialogue with a comma like this (“Hello,” he said) means that the sentence isn’t over after the quote, capitalising the ‘he’ would be incorrect because it’s not at the beginning of a new sentence. But, when it comes to sentences like your example, I’m not really sure because exclamation marks, question marks, etc. indicate the end of a sentence. It’s all so confusing xD And don’t worry about criticising or anything. I’m a big girl, I can take it :P

      As for Lauren and her never featuring in the story, let's just say you've spoken too soon ;) As for what she’s done, it really is something I expect people to figure out. I think by the time it’s revealed there should be enough hints and such for most people to at least have a hunch. At least, I hope there will be because it’s something I want people to guess :P

      August 1, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 8 Reply

      Okay, I've really got to stop reading this in the dark, by myself :P And this time I'm not even in the comfort of my own home where I can read it while hidden under by favorite blanket. Instead, I've got this creepy mirror across the hotel room that I keep seeing scary shapes in out of the corner of my eye. Anyway, to start with you win points for using a Marina and the Diamonds song. Good choice there xD. This chapter is positively chilling and (at least to a wimp like me) terrifying. The scene with Nate finding Lauren's severed head was really unnerving. I knew, going into it, what he was going to find but you still managed to fill me with suspense nonetheless. I liked Nate's reaction to his gruesome discovery (is that a horrible thing to say?) It was interesting that he's calling emergency services even though its quite clear there's nothing paramedics could do. As though his mind can't completely comprehend what's happened, which it probably can't at the moment. While I've never found the severed head of a loved one, that sort of response seemed realistic.

      Oh, Nate... Nate, Nate, Nate, why didn't you go through with it? I was really hoping he would because then I would hopefully know more things about Brandon, who's still pretty much a complete unknown. Ah well, I can wait. I'm really curious as to whether or not it was Nate's lack of courage or something else that just wouldn't let him say anything.

      The description of the murder at the end was very well done and really scary. That's the kind of horror that I find the scariest. Something as simple and straightforward (on the surface) as an attack with a knife managed to really freak me out. With Nate not being able to control his own actions, to his attempted suicide afterward. The scene was just downright unnerving. I liked the way you turned a sweet, romantic moment into a violent, bloody betrayal. Even knowing things that I shouldn't now know, the whole thing was very surprising and I really didn't see it coming at all. By the way, my brother has a tendency to sneak up behind me and hug me like that (well, you know, not exactly like that, but you get my meaning :P) If I freak out and kick him in the groin the next time he does it, I'm making him read this so he'll understand my reaction xD Anyway, this was, overall, one of my favorite chapters so far. It was perfectly terrifying and intriguing at the same time. I'll be looking forward to the next one as I really have no idea whatsoever what could come next.

      August 1, 2015 | Serina Harcourt


    • Reply

      Ahhh, Marina and the Diamonds <3 I’m in love with her. Originally I wrote out a lot more of the song, and no help from Google or the album was necessary  to do so xD But then I thought it would be strange for Nate to remember so many of the lyrics, so I toned it down to just the one line :P You’re right about Nate not being able to comprehend what’s happened. He’s holding onto the sliver of hope that Lauren somehow survived, despite the overwhelming evidence in front of him. Anyway, I promise it won’t be too much longer before you learn more about Brandon xD

      I’m glad the murder scene was good, in a scary way. It scared me a lot too when I wrote it, although that’s not much of an achievement :P I wasn’t planning on putting that sequence into the chapter but I just kept writing and writing and somehow it happened xD Anyway, I wanted it to be a creepy turn of events, from a dream supposedly about Nate seeing the Lauren he knew to a dream about him murdering her. I apologize in advance to your brother if he gets kicked because of my story. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, I swear :P

      August 2, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 3 Reply

      Apologies for not adding my two cents yesterday - I've come down with the flu - but I feel better enough to respond now...in bed...with hot chocolate and Nutella sandwiches. I am adulting right! #Here'sToNeverGrowingUp

      This chapter was lovely. In contrast to its predecessors, this nostalgic conversation really introduces us to Lauren when I was certain we would only deal with the aftermath of what happened to her. I can picture the scene, and picture it perfectly. You may claim to have a bit of trouble with both this present tense of writing and older protagonists, but it's all natural and believable from where I'm sitting. 

      I could see your default setting for writing about teenage protagonists shine through this chapter (and that made me laugh) in the way Nate was trying to find a seat with the regular crowd, and pondering why a girl would choose him over anyone else. It was sweet! 

      But of course, the future is anything but...

      August 3, 2015 | Danny Power


    • Reply

      Thanks for the comment! I hope you feel better :( I’m glad this chapter was good, even though it’s a bit different from the other ones xD I really wanted to introduce Lauren because then people will have an idea of what she was like, and the dynamic of their relationship as well.

      August 4, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 4 Reply

      I really don't want to sound repetitive here, but I'm falling for your writing style more and more with each chapter. It's the kind of style - description, character development and growth, dialog et al - that I always hoped to achieve, but when I compare our writing it always feels like you have roughly 5% more of everything. I like that - it gives me a benchmark to aim for! 

      Back to your chapter, you combine several things easily - the struggles of single parenthood, of being suspected of murder, the revelation at the final sentence, (which I know will extend further in the next chapter.) but it was what was running through Nate's mind...it seemed so out of character for him...that wasn't his real inner voice was it...is something supernatural at play here?...

      August 7, 2015 | Danny Power


    • Reply

      Thanks for the comment! Once again, I don’t think I’m worthy of such praise ^^;  I admire your writing too, especially your description of the characters, the setting and the overall atmosphere of your story – it’s definitely far better than mine! Anyway, I’m glad you liked the chapter. The revelation at the end is definitely a turning point for Nate. He’s certain he’s found the answer but who knows? Perhaps he’s right, or perhaps he’s wrong :P

      August 7, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 5 Reply

      Another impressive chapter, honestly. 

      You'll have already known what I'm going to say before I say it: Excellent description, believable dialog, and the very end of this chapter ended on an incredible note, really tucks at the strings. I admire Nate for continuing his life as normally as he can for the sake of his child! 

      But something irks me here. It's nothing to do with what you wrote...just the conversation between Nate and the Detective...I don't know. It seemed - and this is only a personal opinion of mine which others can disagree with - a little bit out of character for him to try and convince the Officer that Brandon was the killer and fully expected him to believe his claim and start persecuting him immediately. I just feel that Nate was smarter than that, because even though I could understand the epiphany one must feel - especially one where you find out who your wife's killer is - there was absolutely zero evidence to support this. If I wrote this, I would have omitted that conversation entirely, perhaps had Nate waiting in the receptionist hall and realize his lack of evidence while the fellow before him dragged on and on, instead forming a plan to set an appointment with Brandon directly etc. 

      But that's absolutely not a real critique. This chapter is still impressive! I've created much worse! ^^'

      August 12, 2015 | Danny Power


    • Reply

      Thanks for the comment! My intention with that scene was to show how desperate Nate’s become to find someone to blame for Lauren’s death – once he gets the idea that Brandon killed her it starts to consume him. He’s losing his ability to think clearly on the matter, but… now you’ve pointed it out I realise I might’ve made it too large a jump in this chapter xD He’s not quite that desperate, not yet anyway :P I’ll work on that when I’ve got the time. Thanks! :D

      August 12, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Reply

      I don't think it's really anything worth editing to be honest - I think I was just caught by surprise as to how desperate Nate had become, because I've seen this struggling man staying sane for the sake of his children in the lead-up to this...see this could be just me at the end of the day ^^' 

      All you really need to do is just add a sentence or two: (I knew it was stupid. I knew that he would never believe my claim if there was no evidence attached to it. I shouldn't have been here, clutching at straws, but his name resounded in my head again and again, mocking me...) or something along those lines. Even then, you don't need to edit it at all, get another opinion on this ^^

      August 13, 2015 | Danny Power


    • Chapter: 6 Reply

      Another flashback, and this chapter moved in quite an unexpected turn for me. 
      I can relate to Nate here. I've been in relationships where I had always thought the other party was much better than I was (and I'm currently in a relationship with this incredible fellow and I'm trying not to do that) but my god Lauren showed a different side to her, like she was holding all of that emotion in and couldn't take any more. That surprised me...and it set the tone for what apparently happened between them before the real incident occurred

      I guess the only thing I would recommend here would be to add a * inbetween both Lauren and Nate heading to his apartment, and Nate waking up, simply to show that time had passed. I had to read that section again because it took me a second to realize a time-skip had happened ^^'

      August 13, 2015 | Danny Power


    • Reply

      Thanks for the comment! I’m glad Nate was relatable in this chapter - I’ve never had a relationship before (ain’t got time for that), so whenever I write about characters’ relationship problems and romantic scenes I’m always worried about how realistic they are xD Thanks for pointing out the issue with the time-skip too.

      August 13, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 7 Reply

      So this chapter deals with anticipation, rather than any action, so it feels like a penultimate chapter (good thing, builds up the ol' tension) Props for adding in more detail regarding other characters such as Jody. I feel that even though she appears for only a few sentences, I imagined how her day - her life - was going by the time she and her friends left the room. She could feature her own little story...but one novel at a time ^^' 

      What I'm increasingly seeing in your work is your ability to create genuinely - heartwrenching moments, such as Nate and Max looking over old photographs. Lauren doesn't feature directly in this work so far, but thanks to flashbacks and how Nate discusses her, we have a pretty good idea of what she was like. (both pros and cons to her character) 

      And Nate's inner voice (I hated her) makes me pretty sure that it is a separate entity...in fact I have my own theory as to how this story will go...

      Just one or two little errors here (nothing of huge significance, I'm sure you've seen 10x the number on my stories) such as Her killer will finally be put behind bars and I'll free to mourn Lauren... when I'm sure you intended to use the word be as well. Also, But you didn't just fight occasionally, you fought for a reason, don't you...a mixup of tenses here. Nothing a round of editing won't fix! 

      But I can't get over the emotional impact of your chapters, seriously, well done!

      August 16, 2015 | Danny Power


    • Reply

      Thanks for the comment! Haha, it seems you put more thought into Jody than I ever did xD Still, that said I think I could write a short story about her. Her main purpose in the story is to show how Lauren’s death and Nate’s obsession with Brandon is affecting his life, in this case, his work.

      Thanks for pointing out those errors too. I’m glad you think this chapter was emotionally impacting, personally I’ve never really been all that satisfied with it…

      August 16, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 8 Reply

      Well this was the last chapter in this work (so far) and I must say it makes for one interesting read - especially towards the end of this chapter. I deduced what was going to happen a little bit beforehand, going by the blurb of this book, and I'm pretty sure it's not just Nate's imagination. If that's the case...it'll be interesting to see how he escapes this perdicament...if he even can...

      The scene with Brandon, though... I don't know. Again, it was written perfectly, the dialog was believable, I had a vivid sense of what was going on and what was being pictured... but after the previous chapter, I would have included some sort of argument. Now again, this is just my analysis and you could have 20 other people who would disagree with me, but for Nate to have such a fixation that Brandon's the killer - almost irrationally so - and yet do nothing when given the chance...again, I'm not sure about that. 

      I found one more tiny error here, ( I try to smile but I don't seem to in control of my own body...) when there should be a be thrown in there as well, but that's literally it. Everything else was superb! I really enjoyed reading this, and I now consider you my benchmark when writing in future =D

      August 20, 2015 | Danny Power


    • Reply

      Thanks for the comment! I’m glad it was enjoyable to read :) Thanks for giving your input on the scene with Brandon, and pointing out that error. My intention for that scene was that Nate sort of… Freezes, I suppose, and finds himself unable to really confront him at that point even though he’s completely convinced Brandon killed her. But who knows? Maybe he’ll be brave enough next time xD Anyway, I'll take a look at it.

      August 20, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 9 Reply

      It figures the one time I read this surrounded by other people in a brightly lit environment, it isn't scary :P I have the worst timing ever. Anyway, it was really nice to meet Nate's parents in the present. I was glad his dad encouraged Nate to visit a counselor. He may not think he needs counseling, but it couldn't hurt him at this point. On the other hand, maybe it could hurt him a lot. Still, Nate seems to be beginning to crack. He's so focused on punishing Brandon, so sure that he's the one that killed Lauren almost to the point of irrationality. He's becoming obsessed with Brandon and as much as I wanted Nate to go through with confronting him... he's not grieving. He's just wasting away, exhausted and miserable while clinging to the idea of revenge. Counseling could help him start to move on, if nothing else for the sake of his children.

      After this chapter I can only assume that Lauren and Brandon may have had some sort of affair. Just based on the way Nate and Frances were talking, that's what it sounds like. It wasn't what I was expecting, but it does make sense. Assuming that's what happened, I'm really curious how it came about. Lauren and Nate seem so happy in the flashbacks of them. So many questions, oh so many questions xD Nate seems to partially blame himself, so what did he do? Or perhaps what didn't he do that made Lauren go looking somewhere else? Or was Lauren just disloyal? No, that doesn't seem right. Yeah, so many questions :P

      So Fran knows there's some missing time in Nate's story. That's not good news for Nate. All that would need to be done would be to look at the time of Nate calling the paramedics with the estimated time he left Frances (and she obviously knows when that was) and suddenly his alibi could have a pretty big hole in it. Anyway, while this chapter wasn't scary, it was definitely interesting and emotional. I'm really worried for Nate now and I still have absolutely no idea what's going to happen next. Nate's next meeting with Brandon should be interesting and I'm really curious if Nate will actually go through with confronting him next time.

      Aww, Bonnie. We had a miniature schnauzer when I was a kid. Oh, memories :P

      September 22, 2015 | Serina Harcourt


    • Reply

      Thanks for the comment! Nate really is obsessed with Brandon being Lauren’s murderer. In his mind, Brandon being the murderer will solve all his problems – he won’t be the main suspect anymore, Lauren will be at peace, and he’ll be able to get on with his life. Since he didn’t really like Brandon all that much to begin with and he does potentially have the motive to murder her, he was an easy target for Nate’s suspicion. As you say, his belief that Brandon killed Lauren is really very irrational and isn’t getting him anywhere. I think counselling would be good for him, but in his current state of mind he’s never going to agree to it.  

      As for Lauren and Brandon possibly having an affair, well I can’t say much on the matter :P But it’s a good theory and you’ll find out what really happened, regardless of what it is, very soon.

      And lol, my dog is a miniature schnauzer too xD Bonnie is pretty much my dog - similar age, similar dramatic sighs, similar nose pushing antics... :P The only difference is her name - I named Bonnie after this dog at the dogs' refuge home I volunteer at who was adopted a couple of months ago. So Bonnie's really a combination of my two favourite dogs :3

      September 23, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton


    • Chapter: 10 Reply

      Well, damn. I really don't know what else to say after this chapter :P The awaited confrontation happens at last and it didn't end at all the way I had been expecting. I don't know quite what I really was expecting, but it wasn't like this. That's not at all a bad thing because I really like this direction. I had been expecting Nate to be hesitant and beat around the bush a bit trying to get Brandon to confess. I was really surprised he went straight in with accusations even if I can't blame him. It was probably the wrong approach, but then in this instance there really was no right approach since Brandon isn't going to go confessing to a crime he knows he didn't commit. Really, I think Nate's methods and his reactions were really well done and realistic. He's fully convinced Brandon murdered his wife and were I in his place I'd have done the same thing.

      So Lauren and Brandon really did have an affair then. Poor Nate :( I feel even worse for him now. And for Brandon to ask for a paternity test on top of it all? That's a bit of a low blow after everything Nate's been through. I'm somewhat surprised Nate didn't just punch Brandon in the face after that. The part about Connor was especially heartbreaking even if I can understand Nate's way of thinking :( If nothing else, perhaps a paternity test (if I works out in Nate's favor) might help him stop seeing Brandon in Connor.

      Really, Nate? That's the plan? Just push him in front of a car? How many times do I have to tell you, if you're going to kill someone make absolutely sure they're dead before you walk away. Otherwise, your victim can tell the authorities who attempted to murder them. There are rules to this sort of thing, man :P This thing that's controlling Nate is getting more and more frightening by the chapter. That it can just take over seemingly whenever it feels like it and making Nate do things is just... well, it's just downright creepy. Spine tingling might be more appropriate, actually. The way Nate is forced to watch it unfold, unable to stop himself make it that much worse. Not being able to control yourself while you're forced to do horrific things? Yeah, that's going my list of worse nightmares.  

      I'm really concerned that Nate is going to be arrested for this business with Brandon. He was hardly subtle and if Brandon survives he'll be in a lot of trouble even if its not his fault. Although honestly, the world would probably be a lot safer if Nate was locked up since he's murdering people on occasion. I'm suddenly very curious what the creature would do if Nate were arrested? I mean, their purpose is seemingly to make their masters happy (I'm not entirely convinced they don't have other motives) so if that's the case... what would it do if Nate were imprisoned? How would it make Nate happy? He would undoubtedly want to be free, so would it try to break him out? Eh, it's too late at night for theories. I'm too sleepy and my brain isn't working :P Anyway, this was a great, surprising chapter and I genuinely have no idea what could possibly be coming next. I'm excited to see what it is.

      January 7, 2016 | Serina Harcourt


    • Reply

      Thanks for the comment! I’m glad this chapter is okay. I write by the seat of my pants for this story (Well, I do to some extent for all the stories I write, but this one even more so than the others :P) and this chapter as well as the ending were the only two events I had planned from the beginning, so I’m glad it was unexpected. As for Brandon asking for a paternity test on top of everything else Nate is dealing with, yeah it probably wasn’t the best idea on his part. He is very desperate to know though, which is the main reason he asks even though it’s not the most logical decision. I’m glad Nate’s feelings about Connor were realistic, too. I really struggled conveying their relationship. I kept trying to write scenes between Nate and Connor in multiple chapters to add to the mystery of it, but I never felt like I could pull off Nate’s regret and guilt without making it totally obvious what the problem was. Although I anticipated that most people would figure out Brandon and Lauren had an affair, I didn’t want to be completely blatant about Connor’s role in the drama. So I ended up cutting them all and settled on leaving him out of focus, but I really wish I’d managed to pull one of those scenes off :/ Oh well. Now the truth’s out I can finally add one in without having to hide xD

      Sadly, the creature isn’t very logical. It’s smart enough to clean up after it murdered Lauren or make it seem like an accident for Brandon, but overall its methods are fairly crude, and it doesn’t fully consider things like arrest when killing people who’ve wronged Nate. Just like it doesn’t consider that Nate might not actually be happy when he’s forced to kill them, no matter how angry he is :/ It’s really due to a bout of unrelated good luck that Nate has managed to avoid arrest so far. He’s under a very real threat that might happen now though, even if Brandon dies (and who knows if that’ll happen? I’m leaning towards one option, but to be honest I haven’t completely decided yet xD) because although the streets were deserted when he pushed him, they were having a loud and memorable shouting match in public place just beforehand and Nate told the detective Brandon’s name, so… Yeah. The creature might have to come up with a new way to make Nate “happy” if he ends up in prison.

      Anyway, something I’d like to point out is that the creature cannot take over Nate’s body whenever it wants :P At least for the moment, Nate has to be very, very angry for the creature to take over. But who knows? As it gets stronger, this might not always be the case… *evil laughter*. Thanks again for the comment.  

      January 8, 2016 | Genevieve Middleton