Sparkatale

A brilliant example of a well-written, well-plotted fanfiction. If you are a lover of Fable, and of the character of Reaver in particular, this story should be right up your alley. Victoria, the Hero of the story, is aghast when her brother, King Logan, sets her up to marry the successful, yet fiendish former-pirate-turned-Industrialist, Reaver. What follows is a whirlwind of drama, humour, and horror, as Victoria tries not only to wriggle out of the marriage, but save her friends in the Resistance from King Logan's wrath--and all of Albion from the dark forces that conspire against it. The action sequences are gripping, the prose is fluid and captivating, the dialogue is witty, and the characters are complex and so relatable, it's impossible not to become invested in them. Beautiful work. I cannot wait to read more. :)

Incredible prose; the descriptions are so well done, it's easy to get sucked into the story, and forget you're reading words on a screen. The environment and characters are both very imaginative, and the plot grips you from start to finish. I would definitely recommend this to anyone who enjoys a good pulse-pounding, action/adventure story.

Beautifully written, with an imaginative and engaging plot; from the first line, you had me hooked. Each chapter sheds a little more light on the characters, while still keeping the reader guessing. I would recommend the Phoenix Queen to any and all lovers of fantasy.

Excellent prose, intriguing characters, and a plotline that keeps the reader hooked, eager to learn more about this fascinating world.

Hey! It has been quite a while, hasn’t it? ^^ I’ve been doing fairly well (aside from a nasty bout of flu, currently). Any and all feedback is most welcome, so no worries there. Whatever feels right to you. :)

On the whole, I’ve actually been working on the next draft on from the one posted here, but so far have neglected to update it (mainly because I’d all but forgotten about this site next to the others I’ve posted Whispers of Nowhere to). ^^; I’ll definitely be working on posting the revised chapters over the next few days, and of course, I’ll take your suggestions into serious consideration (since I guarantee I’ve overlooked certain fixes to syntax that you yourself have caught here).

Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I really need to get back into the swing of things on here, and return the favour. ^^
 

No trouble at all. :) By all means, take the advice with a grain of salt; I'm not exactly accomplished myself, so there's no pressure. ^^; I hope some of the advice proves helpful though, in the event you take your interest in writing further.

Take care!

-Shannon-

Hi, there. :)

I saw this among the recent updates, and thought I'd take a gander.

Firstly, there are some technical aspects that need to be addressed. In some cases, the wrong type of punctuation is used, other times it is used in a spot where it isn't needed, and still in others, isn't used at all. Some of the narrative feels a bit clunky and long-winded as well. This can easily be remedied by cutting down or removing extraneous detail (i.e. details that either play little to no part in the overall story, or otherwise distract from what's currently going on), and by reworking certain sentences and paragraphs. Any extraneous detail you feel needs to be in the story can be sprinkled throughout at intervals, thus ensuring those tidbits come up at the right time while not dumping too much information on the reader. There were also typos and word omissions scattered throughout as well, many of which I'm sure you'd catch if you were to read through it, yourself.

Now, all constructive criticism aside, the premise behind the story is quite intriguing, and with some of the technical aspects polished up a bit, it would make for an enjoyable read.

I hope this helps. :)

-Shannon-

 

Thank you, I'm glad you liked it. ^.^ I hope the rest keeps you just as entertained.

Ah, I see. This is actually the first I've heard of them, but a quick search on Google confirmed they've been around for quite some time, now. Looks like you meet the criteria for the style, as well. ^^; My bad.

Hmm...this doesn't really strike me as a novel. Each chapter is a bit too short for that, not to mention it reads like a poem. It's a nice concept, don't get me wrong--but it feels like it could use expanding.

Lol! Glad I'm not the only one. ^^; Sounds like we both took on more reading than we can handle at a time (on top of everything else).

Heh, I'd noticed. Poor Jake. He just can't seem to keep it together around her. I can't imagine why... ;)

That's awesome. I'm glad your brother is able to help you with some of the orders and general jargon, and that you fill in the rest from there. You definitely keep the functions of the various forms of tech and weaponry interesting, and you're right--it's because you don't overdo it that it works. Some people get so caught up in that aspect of the writing, it winds up hitting that boring/extraneous detail area. You're not one of them. :) 

Ah, I see! Good to know it wasn't information I'd forgotten or missed. I look forward to figuring out just what Abby and Scarlett's connection is...though I imagine that will be a pretty painful reveal for Abby. ^^;

No problem. ^^ Sorry I couldn't point them out in better detail. Lol, I know what you mean; I can't think of many people who actually enjoy it, other than to improve their work. Otherwise, it's a royal pain. Heh, I'm guessing you've read through your work so many times you're just sick of it? I know that feeling, too. I love my story and characters, but too much time spent on one scene, and even the ones I most enjoyed writing start to irritate me. xD

Lol! I'll definitely be keeping my eyes open for the Centennial Eagle.

 

 

No trouble at all. ^^ Ah, yes. I think I saw that you'd mentioned it on your profile, but I wasn't sure. I'm glad to still be of help, then. I'll try to give as much input as I can without it becoming too overwhelming (I know how brutal it is to edit on the site, lol).

Take as much time as you need, I don't mind. ^^ I hope both the work on Aphelion and your edits go smoothly.

Take care! :) 

This was an excellent chapter, start to finish. I did find a couple of typos and a word omission, but nothing a quick look-through on your word processor wouldn't catch (I would have tried to quote them for you, but I notice that it jumps to the top of the chapter every time I go to type in the comment box Must be a new Spark a Tale glitch). ^^;

I love how you manage to keep the complicated details in relation to the ships and weaponry interesting. It doesn't read the least bit like a text book, but like a true story. :) The interactions between characters, the tension building up toward a major assault, and pretty much all of the details--great and small--are exceptionally well written. Looking forward to seeing whether this next battle against the Na'Vaxii goes as badly as Mosley fears, or if they come out on top, like Abby hopes.

(I also gotta say, I love the character and ship names; I feel like you're paying tribute to a fair number of sci-fi and fantasy characters, places and such through those names.)

And so we delve deeper into the plot. One of your strengths is definitely sprinkling past details throughout without making it an info dump. You also have an eye for detail. However, some of the same grammatical issues I've mentioned before are present: run-on sentences, extraneous detail that could be cut from dialogue and active descriptions, alike, a few typos...

I urge you to comb through your chapters--at your leisure, of course--to catch and correct some of these issues as you see them. As to the mention of extraneous detail: what I'm referring to is when you explain things that the readers don't actually need explained, or at least not in as many words as you wind up using.

There were a few instances like this closer to the start of the chapter and toward the halfway mark. However, things seemed a bit tighter and more polished in the latter half (though it could still use a bit of adjusting).

As to the chapter itself, I'm interested to learn just what it is that's so special about Summers, what Fenister's true objective is, and what will happen if/when Summers and Xavier meet again.

All in all,  the plot is intriguing, and I think this story has great potential--all it needs is a little TLC to get it there.

It’s taken me awhile, but I’m back to reading Ops 9. :)

I’ll start with the constructive criticism first: I feel that your work would benefit from a bit more punctuation in certain areas. Sometimes it’s something as simple as a needed comma; other times, it requires a period and the start of a fresh sentence.

For example: “Remind me why we’re in Glissaria now?” I asked(,) turning to Fenister.

Some of the dialogue seems a bit clunky and long-winded, as well. There are times when it feels like it’s giving away too much about what the characters are thinking or feeling. Let their actions speak for at least some of what’s going on; it will give readers the room necessary to imagine and figure certain things out for themselves. :)

There were a few typos as well, but I’d rather not make mention of them, here. If you’d like, I’d be more than willing to PM those details to you so that you can fix them without all and sundry seeing them in the comments section? ^^

Anyhow, onto the positive aspects of the chapter:

Though I feel it has potential for growth, your characterization work is well done, and it’s easy to become sympathetic and relate to Summers’ plight, as well as everything she’s gone through in the past. I like how you’ve slowly leaked little tidbits about her past here and there, keeping me interested and wondering what other secrets there are to uncover. I also like how she’s not just this hard, strong woman, but possesses a sense of humour as well—however wry it may be. It’s good to see a solid, well-rounded character.

You’ve also created a rich and detailed environment, and have presented the politics in a very realistic light, in a way that is both interesting and complex.
(Since I’ve seen Aphelion mentioned, that pretty much answers the question I left in regards to it. ^^; It had been so long, I’d forgotten the names of the places. Sorry about that).

And as always, I love those little flashback conversations you use. It’s a good way to sprinkle in information about Summers’ past, and it reminds me of a book series I particularly enjoyed back in high-school. :)

Minor grammatical issues aside, this is still a good story with a lot of promise.
 

Hi there, it's been awhile. ^^

I was just wondering; does this story tie in with your Ops works, or is it a separate entity?

On that subject, I fully intend to continue with Memory as soon as I can. It's been a busy...well, year.

Anyway, hope you're doing well. ^^

-Shannon-

I know I say this almost every time, but sorry for being incredibly late on the continuation of reading this. ^^;

As always, loved the attention to detail in regards to the ship, and the dialogue (especially the banter between Abby and Jake) never disappoints. Always nice to have a bit of levity in a tense situation. Whatever her relationship is to the girl, Abby is hiding it well—unless it is simply that Scarlett reminds her too much of whatever it was that happened in her past. I’m guessing the girl looks just like someone she lost, someone she was close to.

I never get tired of a good firefight. You’ve clearly done a fair bit of research, because Abby’s orders sound incredibly natural. :) Battling against the Na’Vaxii is incredibly personal for her, isn’t it? I can’t remember if it was something you touched on earlier in the story, or if it’s something you’ve been building up to with subtle tidbits here and there, but I love how she’s such a strong character, yet so very human, too. You’ve done very well giving them unique personalities, and complex feelings and motives. Characterization, character growth, and interaction are some of my favourite aspects in writing, and you deliver on all three counts.

I really like how you handled pretty much everything. I came across two errors. The first was when Scarlett asked if it was a warship, you left the “y” out of suddenly; the second was a missing end-quotation when Jake said they weren’t on a luxury cruise. ^^; Aside from that, nothing else popped out at me error-wise.
I like the sound of the fabricator system; think of all the problems that could be solved if we actually had something like that? :)

The dialogue at the end was the perfect way of wrapping up the chapter. You can practically see Abby’s resolve strengthening, and giving Scarlett both comfort and hope at the same time.

Excellent work. I’ll be sure to continue a lot faster than before. ^^
 

It's okay! ^^ I don't think your writing is terrible at all. We're all still learning, right? I bet it'll be amazing by the next draft. :)

I'll definitely be reading more of it today, so no worries. (Been managing my time a bit better, so catching up on all the stories I started reading here should go more smoothly).

 

Ah, my bad. Carey stayed with 256. Clearly I wasn't paying enough attention, there. You even said she followed her tracks back through the snow. That should have tipped me off. Sorry. ^^;

Anyway, this is definitely an interesting chapter, bringing up a whole bunch of interesting questions. I wonder what 256's history with 440 is? It sounds like something terrible must have happened (I have my suspicions it has to do with 256's powers, but I can't tell for sure). I think there might have been a few typos or word omissions, but I can't remember where they are, exactly.

The chapter was enjoyable otherwise, and I look forward to finding out more. :)

Sorry (again) for the long absence. I actually had to skim over last chapter to remember what was happening. ^^; I endeavour to stick to a more regular reading schedule with this one until I'm done. (Fingers crossed I manage).

I digress: Really liked how the first scene played out, though it did feel a bit repetitive toward the end--when Carey is thinking about how she has nowhere to go. I think it was three paragraphs in a row that essentially said the same thing, there. ^^; That aside, you set the tone really well.

As to the second scene, you might want to comb through the earlier part of it for the odd typo or tense confusion. ^^; There weren't too many--maybe two or three at most that I saw--so hopefully it won't give you too much trouble.

I actually kind of like seeing how things are changing, how Janelle in particular is shaping up. It was also good to learn some of Marvin's past; it gave a clearer perception of whether he can be trusted, or not. I vote for trusting him, by the way. ;)

Looking forward to seeing how things turn out--both for Carey now that she's taken off on 256, how 256 will take her doing this, and how things will pan out between Janelle and Samantha.

Not to mention all of the recruits. ^^;

 

Hi there, and thanks for commenting. :)

Hmm, funny. I drew from my own experiences there (waking up in the middle of the night) and there are times when my eyes need time to adjust to the shadows in my room and to make sense of the different shapes provided by my furniture. But cracking on…

I left the bit about her father’s job as a curator vague for a reason. It’s one of those things that’s intended to come up in fuller detail later, or to be left to the reader’s imagination as to what could keep him so late at the museum, otherwise.

I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to stop you right there on the gemstones. While I hardly know everything about them, I know enough that amethyst is part of the quartz family, and that the quartz family is further extended into sub-species. Don’t presume that you are the only one who’s done their research. That aside, in spite of amethyst essentially being purple quartz, I still treat quartz and amethysts as separate entities because they are distinguishable from one another. Trust me, I have well over a hundred gemstones, and more often than not, I can tell a fair number of them apart. Amethyst is by far one of the easiest. Just pointing that out.

While I appreciate your attempt to assist in improving my craft as a writer, there are certain aspects that ought to be left well enough alone—most readers wouldn’t know one way or another. Ergo, I should be permitted some creative license, here. As to the frock coat—how many 18th century frock coats do you see in our time period? Not many. You may see a fair number of modern ones, but Forneus’ would very clearly stand out in a crowd.

As to Phenex’s dialogue…I literally see no difference between mine, and the two examples you provided—save for the capitalization of the H in “he” on the last one. Otherwise, your examples are the same as mine. :/

Since this is only the second draft, I know it requires more polishing; don’t worry, I had no delusions of getting published before then. Again, thanks for your time. Take care. :)
 

Ah, good to know. :)

Thank you very much. Your speculations certainly do come in handy.

Take care.

-Shannon-

Hey, thanks for the comment. ^^

I'm actually in the midst of working on the second draft, so I appreciate you pointing out the tense inconsistencies, as well as some of the other issues (sentence structure, unnecessary word usage, etc.) Yeah, I've been told I overdo it with the commas. ^^; I'll have to rectify that.

I'm not sure whether to answer any of your speculations, or if they're meant rhetorically; but if you ever want to know something, just shoot a private message my way and I'll be sure to answer. :)

Thanks again! :)

Hey! ^^ Thanks so much for the comment.

I'm really happy to hear that you liked the balance between the fight scenes and the descriptions. I know everyone has their preferences about what's too much, not enough, or just right, but it's good to hear that it's doing well, so far. ^^ Hahaha, I won't lie; I winced when I wrote the part about his bone snapping. xD It gave me a chance to show off his healing, at least. ;)

Lol, I'm glad you really like Phenex too, and how he handled the situation--almost as if he was bored with the whole concept, and it hurt his pride to ask Forneus to take it out. xD And indeed, I know exactly what you mean. ;)

LOL! G.I. Joe reference! xD I grew up on that show when I was a kid. And yup, it should come up at some point, what they gained. Well, Forneus at any rate; you see with Gwen, some of her powers don't make themselves apparent right away...and by the time that one does, it's after the chapters I've got posted, here. ^^; I know, evil of me.

Hehehe, good to hear you liked the over-glorified fire chicken part, too. xD I think I liked that part a little too much when I wrote it.

Anyway, thanks so much for the comments, and hope to hear from you again. ^^ The first draft is nearly done, so once it is, I'll be sure to dive full-force into your works, as well. :)

 

 

 

Ah, so he's still on the train; everything from thinking he couldn't fall asleep to now wasn't real; though I still can't help thinking the dream had basis in truth--and that it had to do with Astral's past. Though why he would dream of her without knowing her is intriguing; perhaps he has psychic abilities, and passed by the area where all those terrible things happened--and maybe it was some sort of telepathic echo, for wont of a better word.

I think I'd be embarrassed too, in his situation. ^^; Pfft, I didn't think he was rude, at all. They just think so because heaven forbid someone shoot them down. If he's got work to do, he's got work to do--he doesn't have time for a bunch of chatty air-heads. :P  

I'll definitely have to pick this up again later.

Short, but interesting. Based on what you wrote--about how if he'd been paying attention, he might have realized the town had formed around him--I get the distinct impression he's somehow been thrust into a memory.

I think the girl with the teddy bear might have been Astral, perhaps from the start of the story. Either way, you've set the foundation well, and it's keeping me on my toes, guessing at the possibilities of just what it is he's witnessing.

Likewise, this too was an interesting chapter, giving more of an impression as to the type of person Seth is, how he thinks, and what he feels.

But, it also goes further than that, in showing the societal issues they face in this particular world or time period.

I like the descriptions of the technology; elegant, yet simple, allowing the reader to fill in the blanks with their imagination. :)

Since this left off at a bit of a cliff-hanger, I'll just have to jump right into the next chapter. ^^

Interesting bit of introspective there; it was a nice, quiet scene, but not boring in the slightest--and it gave a clear impression of the type of person Seth is. Still, I bet there's even more him than what was shown here--more that undoubtedly follows in the next chapters (and since so many are dedicated to him, it's safe to assume he's a major player in this story).

I look forward to getting to know him and the others as the story progresses. :)

 

 

No trouble at all. :) Hopefully my feedback will be of some use, then. ^^

I'll be sure to read more over the weekend.

Sorry I haven't been back to this in a while. I'm pretty much behind on all my reading. ^^;

I like how you detail environment, but leave enough to the reader's imagination. :) I can just see that Astral and William are going to be at each other's throats, lol. I'm getting a pretty clear view of William as a character so far, and oh boy...this kid needs to be knocked down a couple of pegs. :P I bet he makes for some entertaining shenanigans, though.

I can see that Astral isn't the most subtle of people, is she? xD Nice save on Mathias' part, with Mrs. Archer. Of course, it's clear she didn't buy it, but at least the pleasantries helped...some. Lol, Mathias really is an enabler. xD

I really like the tidbits of info you sprinkle in about the economy, and the goods and services provided. This story is rich with authenticity. :) The way the society runs is also interesting, given the mixture if modern and old-fashioned themes coming together--such as the tablets they carry around, while women are basically treated like trading goods where matrimony is concerned. I pity Kendra; she must have experienced something awful in the war. I wonder what was behind the pleasantries exchanged between her and Astral? O_O Like William, I think there was more to it than it seemed. Perhaps Kendra is playing things up a bit, in the hopes of ending up with Mathias? (In retrospect, it would seem so).

I do feel a bit sorry for William; Mathias is so hard on him, and shrugs off most everything Astral does. I get it--she isn't his kid, after all, so he can only take it so far, and his stern behaviour with William is because he wants his son to do well in life--but it's still a tad unfair. Realistic, mind you; these types of things happen all the time, right? It's a good basis for their relationships--all three of them. I can see it growing a great deal from here, morphing into something else--for better or for worse.

I found there was a bit of superfluous exposition going on while they watched the vid screen--perhaps too much info jammed into one area--but once it got to the point, it had my interest. This is just my opinion, so feel free to ignore it, but maybe consider condensing that part a smidge. (I dare say the girls understand what's happening a great deal more than William does; typical pig-headed boy, that one).

I'm guessing that one part was nothing more than dream--perhaps a premonition of things to come?

Anyway, before this gets any longer--liking the feel of the story so far, and looking forward to reading more. :)

 

 

Sorry I haven't been back to this in a while. ^^; (Not a lack of interest; too many stories to catch up on at the same time).

Oh, damn. :( It figures that the rescue mission wouldn't go that smoothly. Still, I had hoped, lol. The Na'Vaxii are certainly formidable foes, indeed. Well, more than formidable; sounds like mankind scarcely stands a chance against them, even with the reverse-engineered tech. ^^; I don't doubt that the tables will be turned, somehow. :)

I thoroughly enjoyed the fire-fight between the warships, and it was a relief to see back-up come when it did--even if one of them had to retreat rather quickly, afterward. Of course, it's sad about the Achilles, but if not for their help, The Endeavour likely would have been decimated. You also did an excellent job with the terminology. I know I've said it before, but it instantly made me think of a few major and minor sci-fi movies/games/novels. :)

Nice little cliff-hanger there at the end, too. Keeping us wondering about who the girl is to Abby. ;) Hopefully they can get out of there before more Na'Vaxii warships descend on them. O_O

Anyway, enough rambling; excellent chapter, full of pulse-pounding action. Looking forward to reading more. ^^

 

 

Sounds like Carey is getting quicker on the draw--with her power, at least. :P I feel sorry for 256, but Carey made a good point--not unlike what 256 made before, too. You can't just rely on your powers; you require skill too, and when up against the enemy, they won't go easy on you. I guess they're both learning from one another. ;)

Hmm...I'm curious as to what 256 did in the past to defy the Leader? I don't think it was something you've shown in the story yet, so it'll be interesting to learn more about him and his past.

There were a couple of times (throughout that first scene) where you put "he" or "him" in reference to the Leader. Just thought I'd let you know. ^^;

I suspect she wants one of two things: 1) To be rid of Carey, because she knows she's a wild card, or 2) She hopes the mission will break her, make her more docile and less of a threat (being a rare talent that she is). I can see why 256 assumed the first; I thought it, too. I guess I'll see how it plays out. :)

When James said he had a life outside of training, you omitted a quotation mark (you know, when he's blocking Janelle on the stairs).

It's good to see you releasing a little bit of Janelle's past, here and there. Just enough to catch the reader's interest, but not so much that it overwhelms them.

Overall, it was a pretty good chapter. :)

 

It's okay, you don't have to apologize. ^^; None of us are perfect; all that matters is that you learn from the mistakes, and continue to grow as a writer. :) It's really not bad quality at all. Think of it as a precious gemstone; even in its raw state, it can be quite beautiful. It just needs a little polishing to bring out its inner shine, that's all. ^.^

Ooh, I'll definitely have to dive back in tomorrow then, and see what happens. :) I've wondered so many times whether he can be trusted or not, so hopefully whatever I find out will help me decide. xD

Best of luck with the continued edits; like I said, I'll be sure to read through it again once you're done. ^^

Hey, Genevieve! ^^

I'm really glad you enjoyed the chapter; likewise, I enjoy platonic relationships every bit as much as romantic ones, and I like exploring the various forms out there for that reason. :)

Thanks for noticing some of those rough spots. ^^; Hahaha, I see what you mean about the "own" part, and some of the unnecessary comma placement. I'll definitely have to fix those, soon.

Again, thanks so much for your comments. ^^ I really appreciate it.

I decided to keep on going, like you said. After all, I'm bound to read the story again in the future (you know, once I've caught up on the backlog of stories I still need to finish, here). ^^; Anyway, onto the commentary.

Some parts felt a tad repetitive; you mentioned a number of times that the inn's patrons were immersed in their own conversations, not paying attention, talking and laughing. These phrases in particular are the same ones that kept coming up. Certain bits of dialogue felt rushed and awkward as well; kind of like they were telling (not of the plan, but on an emotional scale) more than they should have been--especially when it could have been shown, instead. Since you're currently in the midst of a rewrite though, I don't hold it against you; early drafts are seldom perfect (and I know I've got a lot of work to do on my own project, too).

Hmm...I wonder why "Marvin" has so many aliases? I'm sure he has a good reason for it (especially if he's had trouble with the Gifted in the past).

So now Janelle has been thrown into the role of leader; I wonder how she'll make out? Probably a lot better, once some of that self-doubt ebbs away. 

I look forward to seeing how the training of the new recruits goes, and how Samantha's mission pans out--and of course, how things turn out on the Gifted's side of the story.

 

Hey, since you're doing a rewrite, would it be better to continue reading once you're done, or is it safe to keep going? ^^

I'm actually a member of that site (though I haven't logged on in some months).

*Sigh* Look, I get what you're saying, but I'm also fairly certain you've missed the point I was making (and clearly you haven't checked your inbox, either).

I'm saying there's a good way and a bad way to assist other writers with their craft--and coming across with a superior attitude isn't one of them. Which is precisely what the Grammarian in your story did at the end. That was the point I was making.

While I can appreciate the humour in this, and sympathize with the sentiment of dealing with writers who think their writing is better than it actually is (no matter how far we've come, there's always room for improvement), I find this somewhat pretentious. :/

Just my two-cent's worth; if you like giving people concrit, try to keep in mind we all have to start somewhere, and that once upon a time, you were where some of these other writers are, now.

Long story short; humility.

 

 

I really don't blame Kayo for the way he feels--as if he's a game piece--but at the same time, I see why it's necessary for him to play the role of the prince. I really can't help thinking that he really is the prince, in spite of the roundabout things that have been said indicating otherwise. For Sergio to say he looks so much like Serena--his own twin sister, someone who's face he knows so well--it indicates to me that the Divina simply told Kayo what she thought he wanted to hear...or one of those, "lies that isn't a lie, if you look at it from a certain point of view" things. (Oh hi there, Obiwan Kenobi) :P Until it comes to light, one way or another? I'm of the mind he is the prince. :)

I can also sympathize with him, what with torture being such a delicate subject. After what he endured, I don't blame him for not wanting Corrine to suffer the same, despite the fact she tried to kill him and the others.

They knew Liam, eh? :o That I didn't see coming, though I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. ^^ You really have been tying up these loose ends nicely.

One typo I came across: “It is too dangerous for here."

Anyway, this has been enjoyable. If you upload more, of course I'll continue reading, but if not, I look forward to the day you're published. ^^

 

 

I must say, I hadn't expected Brandon to actually be linked to the ghost girl. That was an interesting turn of events.

There is one thing I should point out, though; you said that he hugged both of her parents when he told them what happened, but if her father was just getting off the couch afterward--to scream at him no less, as is his right--not only could Brandon not have hugged him, I doubt the man would have let him touch him at all.

Anyway, this was a unique twist on the ghostly hitchhiker urban legend. :)

 

 

This was quite interesting. I had a feeling things weren't quite as they seemed, but even so, I didn't find the ending predictable. :) It was an interesting twist on what becomes of someone's mind when they have nothing else to preoccupy it, otherwise--or what they do have is of little to no use, as was the case, here. :P

 

 

I love how the action starts almost right at the beginning of this chapter. The fight scene between Kayo and Corrine was well done, and I had a feeling that the "assassins" that came after weren't any of Romero's. ;)

I don't know why, but even before it came up, one of my first thoughts was, "Wait, this woman (and her people) are speaking Savillan; what if they were the ones he rescued from the ship?" At least I got it half right, lol. Some of them were. Looks like you're tying up some of those loose ends nicely. ^_^

It really is good to see the others backing his decision like this; especially after everything that's happened.

I'll be reading the next chapter as soon as I can. :)

(Loved your closing statement, there). xD

I really liked this chapter. It feels like a turning point for Kayo; I really hope he can be the leader they need, even if he doesn't believe in himself. Sometimes, some of the best leaders are the ones who believe they aren't cut out for the job.

It's good to see Dom and Artemis backing him on this, too, and Lis...well, sort of, in her own way. I get the feeling the character growth doesn't just centre around Kayo in this, either; I feel they all will grow from whatever's ahead. :)

I will definitely be diving into the other chapters as soon as I can--probably more so when I'm done the first draft of my story (which is fast approaching).

Anyway, excellent work as always Catherine. ^^

Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to this. ^^;

I really feel for Carey, being stuck in an unfamiliar, unfriendly place; likewise when it comes to having dreams like that. They're some of the hardest ones to shake off.

Janelle's frustration with the mission she and Sam started is understandable; when nothing goes the way you want it to, no matter how hard you try, it's all too easy to become discouraged. I'm glad she was able to come to a conclusion though, one that hopefully will work in their favour. :) Gotta start somewhere, right?

256's belief that parents eventually grow to appreciate the fact that their children are taken away really shows how deep the Gifted's conditioning really goes. That is some top-notch brainwashing they've done there--or is that the eldest Gifted really believe it? I can see that being the case too, but I highly doubt that they're right. :P

I think, between what he "knows" from the Gifted, and what he learns from Carey, 256 has a great deal of character growth on the horizon. He's already beginning to question things that I'm willing to bet he's never considered, before. The Gifted (the head honchos, at any rate) really are horrible for putting the children and their families through this. I'm interested to see how the story progresses, and whether the fates of 256, Carey, Janelle, and Sam are intertwined...and what part Marvin truly plays.

 

 

Hey, thanks for the comment! ^^

It's good to see you checking out the works around here. Hahaha! It's alright--unless I go over one of my scenes again and again, I tend to forget certain details, too (usually if I've changed something more recently, or haven't looked at a particular scene for awhile).

I hope you enjoy it as you rediscover the storyline, and if you have any pointers, let me know. :)

I'm loving the set up of this. The opening alone instantly grabs your attention, giving you just enough of a glimpse of Conrad Justice for you to get a feel for his character. :)

The introspective about how people, over time, can sometimes resemble their spouse or their pets, and whether they could resemble their homes in the same way, was interesting. I'm prone to thinking, "yes", since your home and the things you keep in it, often reflect the kind of person you are. ;) I also liked the reference to how, when we're told not to do something, we're all the more tempted to do it.

Very nicely written, following Justice's downward spiral, and the aftermath. :)

 

Lol, I'm glad I didn't drive you too crazy with my long-running commentaries. ^^; It's good to hear you're still working away on it. It's an excellent story, and one I'll certainly be picking up as soon as it's published. :)

I'm glad that you're feeling inspired. ^.^ I'm actually a fairly new fan to his works; I read the first book before ever watching the show (just got into both last year, as a matter of fact), and then bought the five-book box-set over the holidays. Their long books, but oh my gods, is he ever amazing. No wonder it takes him so long to write for them.

Anyway, I digress! Your work is awesome, and has that sort of vibe to it, only it still maintains its own sense of style and intrigue. I'm definitely looking forward to the updates. :)

 

That was one heck of a nightmare. At first I thought it might have been Sara's, or one of the Divinae's visions...then again, even if Rose dreamt it, it could very well be some sort of warning of things to come...even if it doesn't literally play out the way she saw in her dream (it made me think of some of the visions in the Song of Ice and Fire Books).

Really well done, by the way, on showing just how shaken up Rose was by the nightmare; I think we can all relate to her, that we've all had dreams so vivid and so horrible, they stuck with us for hours after we've woken from them--sometimes even days. You've done such a beautiful job of showing the complexities of her emotions, and how even her resolve isn't unshakable.

I feel really bad for them both--Rose, because Kayo is withdrawing from her again, and Kayo, because he obviously has a great deal going on upstairs...

And now we see Rose's plan in action; that's quite a gambit on her part, storming into a tavern to try and win over others to her cause. No wonder she was so scared--such courage on her part, that in spite of her fear, she went ahead with her plan, anyway. Too bad it backfired...still though, if even a few of the tavern's patrons considered her words, it might just be kindling enough to start the fire.

Ah, so Sergio knew Kayo was in the cells, that Romero lied about him being kidnapped; I wonder who he is, and who he serves? I thought maybe he had the orphan's mark on him, but somehow, I doubt that. I get the feeling he's affiliated with someone far more powerful.

And with sadness, I realize I've run out of chapters to read.

Well, if you upload more, I will be happy to read them; likewise, when you're published, I'll gladly buy the book, as well. It's been such a pleasure reading it, such an emotional rollercoaster ride.

Take care, and hope to read more of your work again, soon. :)

I knew it wouldn't be that simple for Kayo and Rose; I'm sure he really is happy with her, but there's no doubt about what Sara says--as long as the soldiers are out there, as long as Romero remains a threat to the orphans, Kayo cannot truly be happy.

Like Rose, I have mixed feelings about Sara lying to him about the threat level...but also like Rose, I understand why she did it; because knowing won't make the situation better. All it will do is cause unnecessary panic, and likely more recklessness on Kayo's part--something that won't help anyone, in the end.

It's really good to see how much Rose is developing as a character; when I think back to how she was in the beginning, it's such a contrast to the person she's become now. Not so much though, that I can't tell it's the same person. :) She still has that fiery spirit, that ingenuity that's kept her alive, all this time. I wonder what she plans to do, and how she'll take this burden on, all on her own?

And Romero wonders why his kingdom is unhappy; he never bothers to find out what they're upset about, and once he does, he can't be bothered to care? A lousy king indeed, and one that's likely to find himself torn from his throne, at this rate. (We can only hope). I'm curious how honest Max really is, or if he too has an ulterior motive. So far, he's been too good of a servant...so I get the impression that underneath all that perfection, there might be a traitor. I could be wrong, though; he might just be that good of a servant, someone who's well equipped for his job. It'll be fun, trying to figure it out. :)

It seems even someone as far gone as Romero still has a bit of a conscience; the fact that he feels like Serena's eyes are on him when thinking of killing her son is proof of that. I've been so back and forth about it, but I really can't escape the feeling that Kayo truly is the prince; Callista's conversation with him had me all over the map, but I think she needed to be ambiguous; she didn't outright lie, but nor did she tell him the truth.

Well, I guess we'll see what happens, next.

 

 

 

You are far too good at these plot twists of yours. So, that memory that Romero couldn't hold on to...once again you have me swinging back and forth, trying to determine if Kayo was the prince or not, and I can't help thinking that the baby in Romero's memory was him. No question as to who the Crone Divina was, luckily. ;) Nifty little trick she pulled there, making him forget what he had seen.

I agree with Kayo not letting them off so easily; I know  they merely made a mistake all those years ago (when they lost his trust), and no one deserves to be raked over the coals that badly, but since they kinda just kept making those same mistakes, I can understand why he's not so quick to forgive. That said though...I do feel kind of sorry for them; for how Kayo wouldn't really talk to them, and for how Rose snapped when Lis tried to apologize. But honestly, I don't blame Rose, either--I can't. They were awful--natural human reactions aside, they were. Dom wasn't so bad, but in not curbing Lis or Artemis' outbursts toward Rose, he's just as guilty.

But like I said--they're human, and we all fuck up...so I do feel sorry for them. I hope they do something to make up for it, something that will allow Kayo and Rose to forgive them.

Oh, damn...poor Lucy. D: She's in quite a pickle now, isn't she? I wonder why she didn't tell Romero what would happen? To know exactly what would follow...then again, I suppose she didn't want Romero to hurt Angela, but unfortunately, that's more likely to happen, now that Angela's hurt him.

I don't envy Lucy what she's about to go through...

 

I like how personable Abby is with her subordinates, and that she has such a fresh, engaging way of running things. I agree with Halliwell--if they do get stranded, she'd probably be the best bet of getting them unstuck, since she's so adaptable.

Hahaha! I liked Jake's line there: "I thought you might like a distraction and losing all your money to me might’ve done it.” Cheeky, isn't he? xD

I might have guessed that it would be Endeavour that picked up on that distress signal.

Not that ship, eh? I get the feeling Abby's past somehow ties in with Freedom's Progress, though I'm not sure how. Perhaps she had lived there, once? Or perhaps it had been known as some sort of impregnable fortress to her (which clearly isn't the case)? It definitely makes me curious to see what about this ship was so special to her.

And now that I've come to the end, with Jake finding Scarlett, and comparing her eyes to Abby's, I know for certain that there was something far more personal about this ship than just its reputation.

As to how she and Abby might be related, I'm not sure--but it'll be interesting finding out. ^^

Great chapter. Looking forward to reading more.

Really liked how the chapter started out; excellent work on the dialogue (I particularly liked the military jargon) and it was nice to see you made everything quick and snappy, without sacrificing content. :)

Ah, and now we enter a new character, Scarlett; at first glance, a spoiled, sheltered girl, until you get to the heart of things; "perfect" older sibling that could do no wrong, treated like a sort of trophy by her parents for the sake of social status...fun times (though of course, I don't doubt that she's more than that to her parents, and that they love her). It's good to see that she's more than just a pretty teenaged girl--she's ambitious, and calm under pressure too, I see. :) Very refreshing. (I really like how she's so in-tune with the ship, as well).

D: Well that escalated quickly. You did really well, building the suspense in this chapter, especially whenever she had to face one of two difficult options, in a particularly dark environment. The fear of the unknown is clearly trumped by the drive for survival. Nicely done, touching on that instinct. :)

Poor Scarlett; I hope she (and whoever else may have survived) will be rescued, soon. It would be terrifying, to be stuck in a situation like that.

Definitely continuing on to the next chapter.

 

 

Hey, I'm glad you liked it. ^^ Yeah, I figured I want my antagonists to get some limelight as well in this; admittedly they don't have very much, as of yet--but I figured it would give a broader perspective of the overall plot. :) Hahaha, I wouldn't want to hang out with them on Friday night either; I like living. xD

As to Reeves' issues with Phenex--some light should be shed on that. ;)

In regards to her Ladyship's influence over Reeves...well, I think I'll leave that up to the imagination for now. Even if I have a clear idea as to how much control she has over him and why, it's interesting to see others speculate. :)

Thank you so much for the continued support and encouragement. I'm glad you've been enjoying it so far, and I hope the next couple of chapters continue to entertain. ^^

-Shannon-

 

 

And so we get to the crux of the matter; I agree with pretty much everything the Divina told Kayo; ah, so I guess it's a certainty that he's not the prince, then? Since she said the prince had his chance to return, and he never did. Still, I can't help wondering if it's just more double talk. :P I'll keep my eyes peeled on that front.

And I am so happy that someone is pointing out that no one but Romero is to blame for everyone's suffering. It's about time Kayo realized he's not responsible for all the bad happening; I kinda wish she would have at least told him who he had been, but I suppose she has a good point--what purpose would it serve, but to hurt him, more?

Ah, so Rose's necklace is actually quite valuable. I wonder who gave it to her? O_O It is rather curious...makes me think Rose is far more important than she seems to be.

I liked the song Rose sung to Kayo, and how he didn't make a big deal out of her infertility, other than to show her sympathy (assuming she might have wanted kids). At least they both seem to be of the same mind--there are enough children to care for as is, and with things being the ugly mess that they are...

Artemis and Dominic had a kid? Well, I didn't see that coming. :o That actually surprised me; I see sense in them having their son raised alongside the other orphans like that. As Kayo said--if anyone else knew the truth, he'd likely be alienated by the others, and it wouldn't be fair.

I thought Kayo's letter was very sweet. :') I'm glad it didn't make Rose angrier, as she thought.

And finally, they were able to consummate their relationship. It was very tastefully written, with just the right amount of detail while leaving the rest to imagination. It's so nice to see a chapter end on a happy note. ^^

Hi, Catherine!

Oh, I figured as much; like Rose, I've been in that situation, where I was the only one there for someone, staying up all hours of the night while they went through a rough patch, when they tried (or otherwise would have tried) to do just what Kayo did. I just get so wrapped up in the story, that it's hard for me not to get mad at Alysia in the others.

I already knew you did a spectacular job, fleshing out realistic characters, but it won't stop me getting mad at those characters--because I've seen attitudes like theirs, and in lesser situations. That said, given the amount of stress they're under, I suppose I should ease up on them, huh? ^^;

In any case, I hope you didn't take it as me criticizing your writing--if anything, my frustration with certain characters is praise to how amazingly you've done. :)

And no trouble at all! It's a pleasure, reading Orphan's Code. I'll be sad when I actually catch up to it, and have to wait for the updates. :P Really though, it's been an amazing read, and I cannot wait to see how the rest unfolds.

-Shannon-

Ugh, I would have wanted to resist Romero, too. Far too smug for his own good. Hmm...it seems Corrine is more than just a wife--if he wants her to go after Kayo, she must have quite the talent, indeed.

The emotional scene between Kayo and Rose was very well done, very touching.

*Sigh* Dammit, Rose; sadly, many people have the same attitude she's just exhibited, as the others did, when they found out the teacher raped Kayo (and not the other way around). Why people think women can't rape is beyond me, honestly; and on top of that, he was a boy, for crying out loud! Just a child...I feel so sorry for him, having to deal with that stigma, with not a soul capable of seeing through his eyes.

I'm glad Rose understands finally, though. I really do wonder if the rest of them would too, if he could tell them? He shouldn't be forced to, either; it's a painful memory as is--if they're not as understanding about it, that would mean he dredged up the past for nothing, hurt himself all over again for nothing.

Hmm, I wonder what the Divina wants to tell them? I hope it isn't something that breaks him further; Kayo needs a reprieve, and badly.

Anyway, great work as always. ^^

The moment Romero started fiddling with that knife, I just knew someone was going to get it; okay granted, it was obvious, but it kind of turned into a perverse version of "duck, duck, goose". I kept thinking, "Okay, which one of these poor bastards is going to suffer his wrath? Which one will he put the blame on (for what I think really amounts to his own incompetence, and no one else's). That poor captain. :P

It's good to see that Kayo is on the mend...even if that means him drugging a bottle of wine so that he could sneak past Dom. *Facepalms* Oh, Kayo...

I feel sorry for Dom, though I'm sure Rose will figure out that he wasn't merely "drunk".

Aww, damn it, I knew Kayo had heard her talking about the soldiers who tried to rape her. :( How could he ever think he's as bad as they are? He never would have hurt her on purpose; it usually hurts the first time, anyway. The fact that he wanted to die made me feel so bad for him.

While I understand why Alysia is so angry with him, she isn't making the situation any better; by hitting him and grabbing at him like that, she could just make his wounds worse. Her hysterics wear on me; I'm glad to see Rose step in, and protect him. After all, Kayo's feelings are also understandable; he's hurting pretty bad on the inside, in a way Lis couldn't possibly understand (she might have a chance, if she'd stop freaking out).

Good! Good on Rose; after everything that's happened, she has every right to be angry, to get it out of her system. I wonder who she punched? O_O I hope Alysia, because despite the fact that she was right (all of them quailed, seeing Kayo at his worst, and while I can understand it, she at least had the strength to be there with him) it would suck if it had been Dom or Artemis; Lis is the only one I feel really deserves it.

Yeah, I've got a mean streak, lol.

Anyway, I really love this story, and I'll definitely be reading more soon. :)

 

 

*Nods* That's a good way of looking at it. :) It keeps you motivated to continue bettering yourself as a writer.

And not a problem! ^^ It's my pleasure.

Bugger, that should have said, "I just run away with it". O_O

Lol, sorry. ^^; I keep meaning to condense, but there's always so much I want to say about what I'm reading, that I just around away with it. :P

Ah, that's good then. Sorry for pointing all that out; I wasn't sure, and I wanted to make sure that if you were doing it on your own, you wouldn't have to sift long and hard to find it all. Definitely a good thing you've got people to help you with it; I don't blame you, either...even though I haven't "technically" finished the first draft of mine, I've edited everything I have dozens of times. After awhile, you get tired of looking at the same sections. :)

In any case, I'll be sure to refrain from pointing out errors in the future, and I'll stick to commenting on the characters and story. ^^

The opening drew me in right from the start, instantly making me curious about the young girl, the sole survivor in this whole mess. It also made me very curious as to why these people were being attacked in the first place, what the war was about, and what the ooze (the demons, I assume?)  wanted.

I wonder what is different about her soul, that made the ooze recoil and die, like that? I guess I'll find out. :)

What were the odds we'd both have a character by the name of Astral? ^^; Fortunately, mine is male, and not a main character by any stretch of the imagination, so I think I'm safe (since it's probably a safe bet that you came up with yours before I came up with mine; it's only been a year since I started my story).

I really like the lore you incorporated into this, such as the purpose of the specific plants being used, as well as the mythology surrounding the role of the butterfly (as well as their more practical roles in pollination.)

You set a richly detailed environment, which is really nice to see. :)

I've come across some typos throughout, some simply present and past-tense mix-ups, like this: "She looked at the trees again, watching as the flow of energy fail to climb the network of branches". Sorry to say I don't remember what the first couple were, though I know they were very early on in the chapter. Any others I find I'll make a note of at the end of this comment.

There were also times when the structure of the sentences felt off, or like run-on sentences in the way they were constructed. For example: "Their wails of agony called out over the Memorial as the purified energy tore through at the dark spirits causing them to burn away leaving spectral ash to catch a breeze."

And, "His shoulders sagged the weight of the world having been added to his soul." (I feel like a comma should be there, after "sagged").

Maybe it's just me, but I figured I'd point it out, just in case it was something you overlooked (it is a long chapter, after all, and no matter how often we edit our work, we're bound to miss something, right?)

That aside, the writing itself is very engaging, and the story even more so. :) You've set the tone for the story really well, and the characters are interesting. It's particularly interesting to see how "take charge" Astral is in a situation, despite the fact that she's the student, and Mathias the master. Though knowing that he expects her to work through the problems on her own (how else is she going to learn?) and that he's not equipped to fight energy demons, I can see why Astral had to take point, there. I'm curious as to the effect devouring a demon might have on her; I wonder if it will make her stigma worse, and what other affect it might have on her body, as a whole?

Excellent read, overall; looking forward to reading more. :)

Anyway, onto the other typos I came across.

Typos/errors: "One day, this mimic would become her, and she would seize to exist."

"...humans who would willingly feed these entities human scarifies in exchange for their dark hearts desires.

 

 

 

Nicely done on detailing the Endeavour's interior, as well. :) Even if they aren't finished reworking her, she does sound pretty impressive.

Nice touch on the "usual branch banter" part as well; as I'm sure you know, it's pretty typical within the military. xD Sometimes it's light-hearted teasing, like what Jake intended, and sometimes it's outright snobbery--you know, just like in any other career. :P

Nicely done on detailing the hangar, as well. You do a lot better on environment than you give yourself credit for.

Hahaha! I knew Jake and Abby would meet again (what ever gave me that idea, I wonder?) I really like how she's not into all of that ridiculously pompous self-importance crap, either. It really does seem a complete waste of time, when you're thinking of the grander scheme any military outfit is intended for. There wouldn't be time for formalities on a battle field, after all.

I love the variety of your characters, as well. They all are very much individualistic, all with their own quirks, some of which are rather endearing. :P Likewise, their names, as well as the names of the ships are also quite unique; I imagine Kahoku is of Japanese descent? And Ackerson definitely sounds like a hard-ass, but given that these are big weapons they're working with, I agree with him being so anal-retentive about it. Of course, Abby has a good point; computers do fail now and then, so it's good to be able to work through these things manually, as well.

Excellent job on the explanations, by the way; for someone with limited weapons knowledge, you've done a very believable job of writing it out, and in a way that's easy for readers to understand (I'm no weapons expert either, so it's nice that you're so clear and concise).

The FTL aspect is very imaginative; I love how you've explained (through Dimitrov)  how the Translight reactor works, by encasing them within a space-time bubble, and how he even goes on to explain the downside of this method of travel; how even when he boasts its strong points, he acknowledges it falls short of the enemies' Hyper-Light capabilities and how using it makes them an easier target.

I feel a bit sorry for Dimitrov, having explained all that to two people who barely grasped it. xD Sheridan's answer made me laugh, too. I wouldn't have been able to suppress it, in Abby's situation. Lol, there is no nice way to explain to someone that you can't "dumb things down" enough for them, is there? I always try to find a way to say it, but it always comes back to that. :P

You definitely breathe life and personality into your characters, and those moments of humour really show it. :)

I dare say Abby is a great deal more interested in Jake than I previously thought; she seems to be, at any rate. Or maybe she just likes seeing him squirm a little with the lack of formalities. xD

I'm still rather curious as to what happened to her family, and just what her family consisted of...you've kept it very engaging, not revealing too much early on, and the pacing is excellent.

Looking forward to reading more. ^^

 

Thank you! ^^

It means a lot to me, knowing I've managed to keep your attention despite the amount of detail; to hear that I'm pulling it off well and keeping it interesting in the process is high praise, indeed. (Honestly, I feel like I fail in that regard pretty often myself, so I can't thank you enough for saying otherwise).

Likewise, I'm glad the fight scenes have kept your attention, as well, and that you noticed little details like Gwen appreciating such ordinary beauty (such as the architecture of the buildings) after having seen something as grand as the Spectrum. (I won't go into the reasoning behind why Gwen is so fascinated by it, as I want people to draw their own conclusions; though I bet you could hazard a guess as to why something ordinary would still hold her interest; you've been really good at reading my characters so far). ;)

Yup, one power per artifact. ^^ Lol, and my thoughts, exactly; the sooner they get them all back, the better. xD

Sadly, there's so much I haven't provided here on Spark a Tale (answers to your questions that happen in chapters after the last one i have posted). I'm debating putting more up, because I do want people to enjoy the story and give critique so that I can better my writing skill--but I'm so cautious when it comes to potential theft. D: We'll see; i may very well post more, yet.

Hey, I don't mind your rambling; it's good to know you're enjoying it. ^^ I'm also very glad you like Phenex--a lot of people aren't fond of him from the start. xD

I look forward to hearing more from you, and of course I'll continue with your work, as well.

 

Lol, it's alright; I think I'd be in much the same state, if I had to deal with all of that (I don't like crowds at the best of times!)

That's actually pretty brilliant, and something that seems to occur often with characters, I've noticed. Not necessarily in literature, but I can think of a few fictional characters that were intended to be complete a-holes, only for them to wind up somewhere in the same vein as Abby--though for entirely different reasons, of course. So really, good call on reworking her character. ^^

Hahaha! Nothing wrong with being a nerd; sometimes you've gotta be, for this line of work. ;)

Ah, so she may very well have fulfilled her promise, after all. I can see why she might be hesitant to--it's difficult not to become attached to someone, once you've gotten intimate with them--but it's good to know that she's so well-rounded and thought-out.

Heh, why do I just have this feeling that, despite all of the crew that will be aboard and the vastness of the ship, on top of it, they'll be reunited, anyway? I can't imagine what's giving me that impression. :P

Lol, I didn't want to say it, but I was totally thinking of Kirk (from the new Star Trek movies). xD Either way though, even if it's similar, it's still entirely its own. ^^ I'm really enjoying it so far, so I'll be sure to continue. :)

 

Well, you definitely pulled it off well, using the bed-time story theme. It makes it very personable, I think. :)

Hahaha! I imagine what with it getting compared to the big sci-fi fantasies, it must have felt daunting at times. But hopefully it's also very flattering, since it isn't easy to come up with something comparable to such well-known and liked franchises. Really, I think you did brilliantly.

Ha, I actually almost forgot that she was supposed to be that far in the future (don't ask me how, you made it perfectly clear; I'm having a derp kind of day, lol), but it definitely gives it a cool, vintage feel. ^^ (Ooh, kind of like Star Lord's mixed tape from Guardians of the Galaxy, lol!)

Yeah, I had a feeling he'd turn out to be a decent guy. He has that look about him, what with him getting all flustered, and whatnot. ;)

And no problem, I was glad to have helped! ^^ (And I know what you mean; for every typo or whatever, I seem to make at least five more mistakes). xD

 

 

Well, looks like one of my earlier questions has been answered. :) And you've also answered some unspoken ones, as well--such as whether she actually intends to have anything to do with that pilot, or not. Perhaps if he returns, she might...but it seems doubtful.

I think I like Stanforth; sounds like a good man. I'd say Abby is lucky to have him on her side. I also like how you pointed out his disappointment with her cut her more than if he had yelled; it's a common theme, but one that seems to hold true.

Abby is shaping up to be a rather likable character, as well; her self-deprecation is both understandable and relatable, and because she clearly feels so guilty about the accident, it's evident that she's a good person underneath it all--and Stanforth's lecture to her (about looking around for a suitable replacement with it less than likely occurring) was well written, I felt. :)

Nice work on detailing the Endeavour and her armaments; sounds like you've got a fair bit of weapons knowledge, or at the very least, have done some serious research. ^^

Lol, oh god...I bet if Abby knew that Graham intended to have her on the Endevour...which is where Jake's squadron is intended to be...she never would have made him that offer. xD Oh, irony...you are too funny, sometimes.

LOL! I love how much Jake was panicking toward the end there, between pissing off his commanding officer and worrying about what will happen, since he was hitting on another officer who far outranked him.

You have excellent, snappy dialogue between your characters, which I appreciate immensely.

I can't wait to see how things unfold aboard the Endeavour. This is like a mash-up of Star Wars, Star Trek, and every other amazing sci-fi in-between. :) But again--with your own unique flare.

I really like how you opened this up, with the grandchild asking to hear a story they've clearly heard so many times before, yet never tire of. It has the feel of so many things I've enjoyed--from childhood favourites, to other things I've picked up along the way--yet it stands on its own. You gave a particular sci-fi theme a twist all your own, and in so doing, you hooked me. :)

Ooh...from the car crash, to the personnel files, those hooks sunk in even deeper. I'm given to wonder if the woman in the car was Abigail Laine, the one they were talking about? I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Nice touch with Abby listening to Evanescence, there. To this day I still love that song, above all their others. I gather from the fact that Abby was listening to Bring Me to Life, you have a penchant for attributing certain songs to your writing, as well? ;) (Seems to be pretty common, or so I'm learning, amongst writers and artists).

I did come across some errors: "Her thick mane of gently curly deenp brown hair fell to her waist".

Not sure if this was a matter of typo and you meant "quite" or if you omitted a word, such as, "quiet and shocked". "leaving Jake standing quiet shocked on the concourse behind her.

Anyway, that aside, I really like the feel of this so far; you've set a good stage already, keeping a good balance on the detail while allowing the reader to fill in the rest with their imagination. :) Nice set up with the characters, as well; Jake may come across as a douche, but it's clear he isn't, really--I bet he turns out to be a real sweetheart, when he stops trying to impress her.

Assuming his next mission doesn't do him in, that is. ;)

Well, I'll certainly be reading more of this. ^^

 

Every step of the way through this chapter, my heart ached for Rose, wishing and hoping Kayo would come around, remember what happened as it actually happened.

And even though it's terrible, him having to relive those memories and tell her all that happened to him, I can't help thinking he's on the road to recovery; it might be long and bumpy, but I'm glad to see he's opened up to her, there.

Hmm...now it's difficult to tell whether Kayo really is the Prince, or not (I can't remember if you actually made it clear, 100% that he was earlier on, like maybe the Divina in Romero's castle legitimately knew he was, or not). It'll be interesting, trying to figure out if he really was the prince, or not.

I'm given to wonder if Kayo did hear every word she said in her grief-filled confession...I wonder where he wandered off to? D:

I feel so awful or Rose; I know she shouldn't feel smug, knowing how bad the others feel for not actually having that much of a hand in his recovery, but after the way she's been treated (particularly by one of them) I can understand her feeling that way--and it's perfectly human of her, to be honest.

I hope things are getting better from here, because I don't know if I can take anymore sadness. xD

Okay, so Alysia doesn't have those types of feelings for Kayo? I can see why Rose thought that--I did, too. I'm glad it's not the case (according to Artemis and Dom, anyway).

I also still like Dom--I just didn't like how he was so quick to lunge at Kayo like that; such a duality, in how he loves him so much as a brother, but there was so much hatred in how he reacted at that time. I do understand why--the orphans matter to him, to them all--I'm just glad there's no reason for anyone to actually be upset with Kayo.

Lol, I had to laugh at Rose's wondering about how kids come up with such depraved stories--Nathaniel's story is sad and depraved, and the story of his little stuffed sheep sounds an awful lot like it... ;)

So. Much. Anger. I could hit Alysia...with a goddamned truck. I don't care if she was trying to make the memories less painful for Kayo...she could have told him anything else, but to say Rose pushed him down the stairs? She really is an evil cunt! >:( Just because she's too fucking blind to see further than her own nose and hates Rose, doesn't mean she had a right to drag her under the bus like that.

Okay, so I can feel some sympathy for Lis, in at least the fact that she loved Liam, and lost him to his isolation. I still can't forgive how she treats Rose, though. I really hope she gets past this attitude of hers--I feel like Kayo getting better is the only way this can come to pass. Once he's fine, what other reason can Lis really have to hate Rose? What, the fact that Kayo doesn't need her mothering him anymore, perhaps? Yeesh...people who need to be needed (and make everyone around them miserable with it) drive me insane. -_-

It's good to know Sara is close at hand, even if she can't really come up to see everyone again just yet; I'm glad she has faith in Rose, and knows she isn't really to blame for what happened.

Even with her being Divina, I'd have trouble believing the others love Rose, too. Okay, I can see Dom caring about her--he's proven it, time and again, when he's sided with her...but Artemis and Alysia have always been so damned hard on her...which yeah, can be a sign of affection, but not in the way they've displayed it--especially not Lis.

Sorry, I know I keep ranting and ragging on her, and I'm trying not to. ^^; You've made some very relatable and believable characters, so it's hard to see these things unfold without feeling something.

In short, you've done a brilliant job, as far as I'm concerned.

 

I liked Sara's philisophical conversation with the Divina, about life's hard lessons, and how pain and sadness teach us what pleasure and happiness are. :) You did superbly, explaining these things.

Ah, so now we know why he was slated to hang in the Prologue. I don't believe for a moment that he did it, either; whoever came up with must have known or suspected who he was, that he would unseat Romero from the throne. I'd say Romero was somehow responsible, but he never knew where Kayo was, and besides, he'd hoped to groom him for the job, as his heir.

I also like how you're fleshing Dom out more, too. I like him, so it's good to be able to understand a bit more about him, and his past.

...And with Kayo's awakening, a great deal of my like for Dom dissipates. Okay granted, him telling Romero anything was also part of the nightmare, thank the gods he didn't actually do it...but if he had, how can Dom really blame him? We'd all want to hold out under torture to protect the ones we love, but I fear many of us wouldn't be able to. Pain and suffering are very, very persuasive..

Okay, seriously...I want to strangle Alysia. Please, for the love of all that is right, let her b.s. come to an end. And "he's our little brother"? Oh, I believe it when Artemis says it, but Alysia's revulsion...that, I believe, is more than a sisterly or maternal bond. I think she's jealous. And meanwhile, it's Rose's quick thinking in using that kiss to get him to take the draught that helped him. They sure as hell weren't of any real help.

New plan: Kayo gets better, and he and Rose get the fuck out of dodge, because NONE OF THEM deserve Kayo. Why doesn't Rose explain why she ran from him, the whole "almost-sex caused a horrifying flashback of rape" in her mind, which caused all of this? Okay, she shouldn't have to...but every time they say it's her fault, all I can think is, "Why isn't she bringing that up? Why doesn't she get it?" How they could assume she meant for that to happen to him, regardless, is beyond me. It doesn't matter if they don't know what happened to her--they need to stop pointing the damned finger.

Okay, I'm done ranting. Just so you know (I must reiterate) it isn't you I'm frustrated with; you did an excellent job with this, to make me this mad at your characters. xD

Ooh, I like this Divina woman! She hit the nail on the head about Alysia--all her accusations about Rose being selfish, when it's really just that she can't handle looking after Kayo in this state. She said just what I've been thinking all this time...how Lis is just taking the easy route out.

That said, I do understand why Lis in the others find it so daunting...it would be horrible to watch someone you love in that condition. And again, all that said...I'm still fed up with Lis' damned attitude. "You're nothing to him, you get no say, we're his family, not you..."I could just hit her. Hard. Enough to blacken an eye or two. >:( She needs to smarten the hell up.

I can see Rose has changed a lot since she first came to live there, and not just because she's allowing Nathaniel to be so close to her. I'm curious to see how this plays out. Please be okay, Kayo...

Hmm, for once I somewhat agree with Alysia; it was never fair for Rose to assume they didn't care about Kayo. I didn't agree with them giving up on him, but it's clear they care for him, too. I don't agree with Rose, thinking she cares for him more; she cares for him equally, I'm sure, but in a different way than they do. Either way, there's a lot of raw emotion on display here, and it's really well done.

I'm still incredibly pissed off at Alysia, though; like Rose, I'm tired of her damned attitude, sick of her blaming everything on Rose. Kayo made his own choices, he knew the risks...no one but Romero is to blame for his suffering. I wish the voices would bloody well tell Sara how to cure him of the poison, instead of making everyone feel more helpless.

As much as I like Dom, he's annoyed me now, too. I understand not wanting to hear Kayo's screams, but Rose listened to it all night long...he should be there to help his brother. Then again, not everyone is that strong, I suppose. I'm glad he at least defended her against Alysia...

I was holding my breath for awhile there, when Rose was turning the knife over to Dom (and my gods, his words to Kayo...my heart was breaking, there).

And surprise, surprise, Alysia ticked me off again with her damned attitude; Sara's offering a solution--one that won't just involve Kayo existing, but actually getting better and living, and she's still being a stubborn little bitch. Arrrgh! xD Lol, sorry...she's driving me mad with her superior attitude. I think Dom is the only one I like in that trio.

I'm not saying I don't understand some of what they're feeling...I do. I get not wanting him to be potentially crippled and bed-ridden for the rest of his life...but perhaps the Divina can do more than just draw the poison out--maybe she can help them find a way to mend everything. I'm glad she's there; that oughta shut them up on the matter.

Oh, who am I kidding?

It would be remiss of me to not point out that I also somewhat agree that Rose is being selfish, yet at the same time, so are they...and really, it's not like I can blame her for what she's thinking and feeling. Damn it, he'd better wake up and get better...so he can tell Lis to stop with all of her petty little shit. :P

Yeah, this is confirmation that the story is good--it's making me bristle, lol.

Even when Lucy felt pity for Romero, about him being lonely, about his desire to step in and take the place of his friend with his wife and child, I could feel no pity for him; all I see is another entitled little shit, thinking he has a claim on someone or something, just because he desired it/them. That's all I see; what claim did he ever have to Kayo/Cael's mother? None. Even if she had loved him, that doesn't make her his property, and the same holds true for her son.

And any child he has isn't property; even if he never hurts his son physically, I can pretty much guarantee he'd treat him like a possession, not a human being.

I've no pity for him, beyond what he suffered in childhood; naturally I have even less, when he sneered about not wanting a girl. Yes, because we're so useless. -eyeroll- I gotta say, I really love Lucy's pluck; this girl's got guts, being sarcastic with him. I can't tell if it's just because how long she's been stuck with him, or if her little romp in the sack with Matthew made her bold...but I like it! :D

I pity Queen Angela; being forced to have a child with Romero, and not having the option to abort? I don't find it cold or heartless--it would be cold and heartless to expect her to have the child, to have to give it up to someone like Romero, and if he died before then, to have a constant reminder of the man you so hated; of course it's not the child's fault...no child should be held accountable for the sins of their parents--but it's also only natural, that there would be some resentment. It's a very tenuous line, that. You did an excellent job, by the way; if i ramble like this, it's because you've made things very believable and relatable.

 

 

I really, really, REALLY want to smack Alysia and Artemis.

So. Effing. Hard.

First, they round on her when Kayo gets arrested; then they say, "fine, she can go rescue him", and when she does just that...they call her selfish?

Eff them--eff them, I say! Seriously, what the hell are they on about, her being selfish?! She brought Kayo back alive...yeah, he's in awful shape, but to go full 180 on her like that? And over adding another orphan to the mix? They've never given her reason to believe another wouldn't be welcomed in the fold. If they'd ever bothered to be half as honest with her as she's been with them.

Ugh. Sorry; just really don't like their blatant hypocrisy right now. And on top of it all, suddenly Alysia is being possessive of Kayo...they all pretty much gave up on him. What right does she, or anyone else, have to be possessive of him, to be angry with Rose? What happened wasn't her fault; it was unfortunate that she'd not allowed him to make love to her, but she was like a wounded animal--all she saw was the past. It's so easy for Alysia and Artemis to blame her, but they don't know what she's been through.

I hope Kayo gets better, and that if he does, he gives them ALL the verbal lashing they deserve! Treating Rose the way they do...like a perpetual outsider. Dominic is about the only one I'm not mad at, aside from the kids.

Romero is as brutal a dictator as he needs to be, I see. It's easy to hate him, and easy to admire his efficiency. I pity the men who weren't fortunate enough to die; rotting in a cell for the rest of their lives seems far too cruel...especially when it was his ineptitude, not theirs, that led to all this madness.

Great work, and I look forward to seeing the changes you make in regard to Matthew's role in all of this. :)

Ah. Well, at least now I know what caused the explosions. ^^;

I don't know if Rose was naive to think she'd find Kayo in any other condition than what she found him in, or if it was merely desperate hope on her part--either way, it was believable; a lot of people imagine the best or the worst; there's seldom an in-between, so that was good.

I did find one error: His shirt were gone, and his boots.

I'm glad they made it out...I just hope Kayo will be okay.

I'll also be sure to keep my eyes open for the changes you spoke of at the end of the chapter.

Great writing as always, and with any luck, I'll be up to speed on the story by the end of the week. ^^

Sorry it's been so long since my last comment!

I really like the amount of attention you put into, not only the waterways Rose is sifting through, but of how she feels about it every step of the way, how she's using rational thought to chase away all of her fears--both of the water itself, and her fear of losing Kayo.

The description of the cadavers made me feel very sick...which means you brought the scene to life really well. I really like the realism in Rose's emotions for this aspect, as well, how she's at war with herself, between facing her own fears, or running from them--how she realizes she isn't as brave as she once believed, that rescuing Kayo will be much more difficult than she ever would have imagined. And still, she finds the resolve; that I admire a great deal more, than if she'd been willing to rush in, proverbial guns blazing, without fear. :)

The part in the dungeons made my heart ache; I wonder how many of those poor people were wrongly imprisoned? How many of them, had they had a fair ruler instead of Romero, would have been free, would have been with their families, their friends, living their lives, however splendid or ordinary they might have been? It's sad to think of people dying like that...forgotten in the bowels of a castle.

And that part with the woman and her son...my gods, that nearly made me cry.You did excellently, breathing emotion into it, showing just how devastated both mother and child were--the mother in a fierce, quiet sort of way, and her son in just the way any four-year-old would be, under the circumstances.

I also love how you put in some of these little details--the things we take for granted, such as knowing the flow of time, and the meaning behind words like "thank you"--and explained them in a way a child could understand. I admit, Rose was quicker to explain than I would have been--I'm so used to understanding these things, it never would have occurred to me just how to explain it to someone who doesn't. xD

Good ending to this chapter, as well; I would have expected the prisoner to do something other than what he did, but I'm glad he did what he did, instead. For one, because it's less predictable, and for two--because he undoubtedly is more concerned about getting out of there, than hurting her and Nathaniel.

Oh, man...I hope they get to Kayo, soon. I can't help thinking the tortured screams she heard might have been coming from him. I wonder what caused the explosion? Either something I forgot in the previous chapter, or something that has yet to be explained.

Either way, I'm looking forward to more. :)

 

 

 

Welcome aboard! ;)

Beautiful work on the descriptions;  the environment and the tone are well set, and the emotions of the characters are very palpable. I also like the choice of names; they're unique, not something you hear all that often (at least, not where I live, lol. Probably a fair bit more in areas like Ireland, Scotland, or Wales).

In any case, this certainly has started off really well. Looking forward to seeing what comes next. ^^

 

The Winter Queen definitely irks me, beyond all measure. Eil-Sanyi ticked me off a bit too; I get that she didn't have much of a choice, being forced into the Queen's service...but it just maddens me that, even with thoughts of her daughter, wherever she may be, she lacks the will and resolve to stand firm.

I'm not sure why it is she would depend on the Queen, in regards to her daughter--if anything, I see the Queen as a detriment to all those around her. If Eil-Sanyi were ever to be reunited with her daughter, it would likely end just as quickly by the Queen's hands.

Good chapter, by the way. If anything, it makes me thirst for the Queen's death even more.

 

Ooh, I'm really liking the concept of a semi-historical battle between the Frost Serpent and the Phoenix; I liked the little historical tidbit you gave on that matter, as well; I was actually going to ask if the Frost Serpent and Phoenix had met prior to becoming part of their hosts, or not. It seems that question has been answered.

The Winter Queen infuriates me--which, of course, means you've written her well. I hold an unfathomable amount of hate for her; for threatening the well-being of the world, of Alsatia, and of the Phoenix. I dearly hope she burns.

There are points where it feels like you're giving away a little too much info in a short span of time; such as the relationship between the Serpent and the Queen. In some cases, it's best to let their words and actions speak for themselves, of the strained relationship they have--in other words, showing vs. telling. Not to say that telling is a bad approach; it's just when it's in excess, and when it would paint a more vivid picture if shown instead, that it becomes a bit daunting. ^^;

There are also areas where you have gaps (I assume intended as scene breaks) that don't seem to be necessary, since the character POV remains the same.

That aside, you have a nice, descriptive flow, and the story itself continues to intrigue me. :)

Oh, I also came across one typo: often use it to scare Alsatia or some random scullery maid into following her every whim do matter how unreasonable it might have been.

 

 

Lol, it happens to the best of us. ^^; The chapter as a whole was good, though. :)

Sorry I haven't gotten back to this, sooner.

Anyway, I'm starting to become fond of Dr. Liebermann. He seems a very nice guy, and even though he doesn't believe Alsatia (it would be a pretty big pill to swallow for anyone) he seems to have the best of intentions.

The Winter Queen truly is a cruel, cruel woman. I look forward to seeing her burn, as I'm sure she shall. This was well written, though I did find one part a tad repetitive. ^^;

When he finally made it to the front of the line, Alsatia was attempting to lift herself out of the dent she’d created in the side of the vehicle, stumbling onto the ground and lifting herself out of the dent she’d created when she fell, too.

I think it's just the use of dent, or maybe if a bit more was thrown into this with slightly different wording all together, it would flow more smoothly.

Anyway, that's the only thing that stood out like that; I enjoyed this chapter, and look forward to more.

Ooh, with the Preface alone, you've garnered my attention--though of course, so too did your summary.

I might do it slowly (I seem to be multi-tasking, when it comes to reading), but I'll be sure to read more of this.

Hey, no worries. ^^ Take as much time as you need to.

I'm glad I'm on the right track with 256, and you're welcome. ^^ I'll be sure to read more, soon.

I'm trying to remember if you ever mentioned what Gift the Leader has, or not. Judging from what she did to Carey, I'd have to guess Air? I could be way off-base, of course, since there are other gifts outside of elemental. ^^;

I thought the Leader was being too pleasant with her beforehand--good to know there was a reason. I definitely like 256, even if he is quite meek. I see the potential for growth with him, just as surely as I see it for Carey, and for your other protagonist, Janelle.

I'm kind of wondering the same as Janelle--whether they'll wind up having to kill the doctor at some point. I don't believe he's a bad person, even if he is concealing something from them--but it's also possible for good people to do bad things, so I'm kind of going back and forth, trying to decide what I think of him.

Anyway, this was a good chapter. :)

 

Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to reading this.

Hmm...Carey seems to be restraining herself better, now. I suppose it's just as well, since opposing them outright is out of the question.

I already had a feeling 256 wasn't so bad--really just another victim, when you look at it.

Anyway, I liked this chapter; it was very insightful. I wonder how this will play out?

This was a very riveting, in-depth chapter. Knowing Romero's past in a bit more detail, I could almost feel sorry for him--but unfortunately for him, the ends do not justify the means, and I could never feel worse for anyone, than I do for Kayo right now.

I feel sorry for Lucy as well, since witnessing such brutal torture and feeling somewhat responsible for it would probably be one of the most awful things ever--next to experience the torture, itself.

You did well, as always, conveying Kayo's helplessness, that despite his agony and his pleading, he still retained the defiance he needed to keep his family safe.

I hope Lucy, and her guard friend, Matthew, can get that other prisoner's help soon, and that Kayo will be alright.

I came across one error: Romero, growing tired of his struggles, held him down him and punched him hard.

Everything else was flawless, as far as I could tell. ^^ I'll be sure to read more later.

Oh, wow....you did an amazing job on the interrogation scene. I winced a lot...and I mean a lot...every time Romero did...well, pretty much anything to Kayo. Kayo is really strong to endure just  torment. All of that pain, that agony...a lesser person would have crumbled. I love his spark; I'm envious to say I don't think I'd do as well, under the circumstances, but I can't help but be awed by his courage.

Rose's words to Dominic were cruel...I understand why she said it, why she might even believe it, but it isn't fair--and I don't believe it's true. Dominic does love Kayo, every bit as much as she does...he really does. I think after everything they've been through though, he's hit some sort of emotional wall--where hope has become a foreign concept.

I wonder if he'll follow after her, since she just verbally slapped him like that? I wonder what Sara saw, entirely? Though I suppose because the future isn't set, she couldn't be certain--it all boils down to timing, hence the urgency to go right away. I also wonder if she knows she's a Divina, too?

 

I'm loving every moment that I read this story--even the parts that hurt, because it just shows how relatable it really is; most anyone can put themselves into the shoes of one character or another, and see through their eyes. You've done beautifully with this. Can't wait to dig into the next chapter.

As always, I love your attention to detail; you do an excellent job, making your readers experience the story through all of our senses--not just with our eyes reading the words on the screen, but seeing what the characters endure, hearing what they hear, feeling what they feel--emotionally and physically--and smelling all of the aromas they smell. You breathe life into your story in a way that makes it easy to forget that one isn't in the book. :)

I'm a bit surprised with Alysia; I understood that she was upset before, but for her to be so cold about what might happen to Rose during her rescue mission? Huh, and to think I once believed Rose and Arty wouldn't get along. I guess I still understand Alysia's feelings...she and Kayo were found together, so they have a close bond...but for her to be so blinded by her pain as to condemn Rose, without understanding her side? Well, that's certainly very human of her, so I can't complain, lol. I am, however, furious with her. Rose is showing initiative, trying to help Kayo when no one else feels it's possible--and the only reason she's agreeing to Rose going is because she's mad at her.

Ha...funny the lies they fed them, the Prince "taking an arrow" in Romero's defense...anyone else who might have been watching as closely as Rose would know the truth--that Kayo attacked Romero and got beat up for it. I wonder how many others will rise to take him down?

I feel sorry for the planted assassin; I doubt he willingly let himself be killed--chances are, Romero had him hired through someone that couldn't be traced back to him. I also wonder who he slated to be executed, since Kayo was the Black Death--some other poor slob they shoved into the costume in his place, no doubt.

I like Dominic, for the record; he obviously cares for Kayo a great deal, and his heart is in the right place, wanting to protect Rose...but I am annoyed that everyone who has known him for so long is so quick to give up on him; I guess I can understand them trying to protect the rest of the orphans, but you'd think at least one of them would be willing to go with her...and honestly, I think someone might. I think someone will assist her in saving Kayo...*Crosses fingers*

I did come across a couple of typos:

He closed his eyes again; he no longer had the strength to keep him open.

...and the queen stole from her bed by the Divinæ.

Those aside, great work, and I'll be diving into the next chapter shortly. ^^

Well, looks like the fire at the orphanage is no longer a mystery--though I suppose I can't be too surprised, either. After all, who else would have so much to gain from killing a bunch of orphan children?

And I knew it! I knew Kayo had to be more than he seemed...as soon as Romero saw his face and heard his voice, the way he reacted to it...I knew it! :D Of course, this is turning out to be a not-so-great thing, since Kayo can't seem to absorb what he's being told (it is an awful lot to take in, and even if he did believe it...Romero is still responsible for every bit of suffering he's ever endured).

Oh my...I felt really bad for Rose; I get what Alysia is feeling, really, I do...I know she's just upset, that it's killing her that another person she loves so dearly might be put to death, and despite all reasoning, that it isn't really Rose's fault, I can see why she blames her. I can see why Rose blames herself, but really...no one, not one of them, is at fault...it's all just a series of unfortunate events, and the damn ring master in this tragic little circus in Romero--he is the cause for ALL of their suffering.

You did such a brilliant job, conveying their pain, there.

The last thing Romero said chills me...I can only imagine what he has in store for Kayo, now. D: The poor kid--I love his spirit, but unless he gets away from the bastard, he's sure to suffer a whole lot more than he has, already. I wonder if someone will be able to mount a rescue?

Poor Kayo...he never meant to hurt her...he didn't even do anything wrong, in all technicality. For him to be so morose is kind of heart-breaking. :( You did great there, by the way--his feelings were palpable.

Ah, haven't seen anything with Romero for awhile, now. I figured there would be some build up, here. I think Lucy is very courageous, in the face of a man so cruel and twisted by paranoia. I wonder if Romero is under the impression the Black Death and the prince are one in the same....I won't lie, it's crossed my mind that they could be. ^^ Romero is one entitled a-hole, isn't he? He makes it sound like Rel stole Serena from him, like he had an actual claim to her, in the first place--guys like him tick me off to no end--but that's what makes him such a compelling antagonist; I've seen his kind before, so I can understand him and loathe him, at the same time--and commiserate with anyone unfortunate enough to know him.

Ah, so that's what the Forbidden Day is all about. That last scene was very action-packed, and Kayo's fear and desperation basically seeped out of the computer screen, as did Rose's terror and frustration at not being able to stop him from coming to harm. I literally have to start on the next chapter now, because I can't bear not knowing how it plays out.

Since you added a Prologue, I figured I should comment on it, as well. :)

Excellent work on the opening; from the very onset, it drags you into what's going on; the fire, the smell of smoke, the fear and confusion...I can see why you added the Prologue. Even though the opening of the first chapter was handled quite well, the Prologue serves as a hook for anyone else not patient enough to see how the original opening unfolded.

This also gives a broader understanding of what happened to Kayo and the other orphans, besides what little they mention in later chapters...to actually be in their shoes as it unfolds gives an already in-depth story further depth. Not only do we get to see a glimpse of the infamous Liam, we learn a great deal more about what Kayo suffered, and what he was destined to undergo, if not for the fire.

And of course, it makes me extra curious as to what he and Liam were talking about then, what had happened...makes me eager to read on from where I left off in which hopefully I'll learn the truth. :)

 

 

 

I enjoyed the banter between Kayo and Rose, and how he explained the progression of religion beliefs (hmm, this sounds oddly familiar...monotheism moving in on polytheistic spirituality, I mean). :P I also enjoyed (as always) your attention to detail--on everything from the simplest motion to the way dialogue is spoken. I agree with Kayo's ideology, for the most part--I believe we control our own fates, no one else, so as far as characters go, he's definitely one I relate to a great deal. Honestly though, you've done an excellent job with all of them. ^^

The passion between them was amazing, and you conveyed it succinctly...especially how Rose wanted every part of herself melding with every part of Kayo--you phrased it so well, there. :)

I felt so, so sorry for Kayo when it didn't work out; awful sexual frustration aside (because that in and of itself would be bad enough) to have this happen again and again, and not know why would be awful. That said, Rose can't be blamed--after what happened to her, it might take some time for the trauma to wear off...and since no one bothered to explain to her that the first time can be painful...well, her fight and flight reaction couldn't be helped. Still, I hope they're able to resolve this. :( Things were going so well, too...*Sigh*

 

Just a couple typos: "that there were deities in charge if everything from the clouds in the sky to one flower opening every spring."

He stroked her with her fingers, gently, and with the utmost care;

I think both Kayo's reaction to finding the stolen belongings in Rose's room, and the remorse they both felt in regard to it afterward was realistic; you did an excellent job conveying the emotional complexities of both of their perspectives--and in showing how they came to understand one another's perspectives on the matter, as well.

It's good to see Kayo opening up to her the way he is, and to see Rose growing as a person--she's really begun to grasp the do's and don'ts when it comes to social behaviour.

I get this terrible feeling about the ball...it sounds nice, but I feel like Romero or his scum-sucking guards will come into it, like something awful will follow.

I did come across a couple of errors: "Look at how we treated her when we first got here (she)

"Two of the kids got really suck" (sick). Aside from that, I don't think I came across any other errors. :)

This is a very enjoyable, thought-provoking, and pulse-pounding read. I'll be continuing on in my spare time.

This was an excellent chapter.  The intimacy between them was very well done; not just in the physical sense, but emotionally as well.  Rose's confusion is understandable--I found myself a bit annoyed with Alysia and Artemis going back and forth and not providing an adequate explanation,  but that in and of itself was handled realistically, so great work all around. 

 

  It's sad that she's barren. I hope Kayo won't take it too hard...maybe there is a way around it? I mean, if he ever wanted kids...they could adopt. They're orphans, after all...the law, of course,  is a major problem,  but as long as they keep it under wraps...

Of course,  they do have bigger problems,  as has been said.

I look forward to reading more.  :)

I really liked the way you opened this chapter, showing Kayo's inner struggle; I can't help thinking that he might be the Prince...I've been wondering if it was him for a long time, but I'm still not sure. Whatever secret he's keeping from the other orphans, it must be pretty big and complicated, to have him this wound up.

I felt a great deal of sympathy for Andrew when he was recounting his and Carolyn's story; that must have been very difficult, and then to admit it to someone he's not exactly fond of. I'm glad that Rose is starting to get to know the orphans though; it should put an end to her preconceived notions of what they are, once and for all...I assume, lol. She does seem less inclined to view them as bad, as time passes, which shows she's adapting, growing as a character. :)

I was so happy to see her and Kayo wind up together at the end of the chapter, too. I know it's probably going to be rocky at times, and they might not even be officially together...but it's such a stark contrast to how things started between them. I hope they'll do well, whatever the weather. You wrote it out very realistically, with the hesitancy, the passion, the fear, the uncertainty...really well done. ^^

I think Rose is starting to adapt, starting to understand societal pleasantries. While I find some of them (in real life) to be somewhat infuriating, at least she's proving capable of learning what is and isn't alright to say. :) She'll no doubt falter every now and then, but Rome wasn't built in a day. I'm also glad Kayo is making the effort, as well.

Gods, Artemis can be so haughty. Yeah, I'm really getting the feeling I was right before, assuming she and Rose are going to have a very tenuous relationship. I do feel bad for her...working for that hag of seamstress. No wonder Arty is so hard on Rose--maybe she's trying to protect her, in her own way, from the cruelty. Or at least, prepare her for it, give her the metaphorical armour to deal with it. I can see that being the case, as well.

she said drily to Artemis, who nodded and gave a respectful little duck of her head. “Who’s this?” the old woman demanded as she pointed to Rose. (Should be Alysia, right? Considering Artemis is back with the seamstress).

This was a good chapter; I'll be sure to read more, first chance I get. :)

I kind of felt bad for Dominic during all of this; first, because Kayo interrupted him and Artemis and kept taking his anger out on him, and then later when he was trying to be playful, Kayo wasn't in the mood for it.

That said, I feel sorry for Kayo too, and his mixed feelings are understandable; even knowing how Rose lived her life (and that's why she is the way she is, never knowing how self-centred she comes off, or how hurtful her words can be) he can't help being upset with her, either. It's only natural, because she has a habit of hitting nerves (again, not realizing it).

I think if they could teach her, if they could make her understand what she's doing wrong, and help her become a better version of herself, she and Kayo might have a shot.

I'm curious about the Isabel girl he clearly liked so much, before. I wonder what happened? It should be interesting, learning about them and their pasts a bit more. :)

Excellent chapter, all around. I only found one typo: Dominic scowled at him without a word as he finished buttoning his shirt and dug a metal flash from his rucksack.

That aside, I'll try to get another chapter or two in, before leaving to visit family this week. ^^ I hope the holidays are good to you.

I'm back. :)

Came across a couple of typos:

“All right,” she finally sad. “But no tricks.”

And then I think one of them send the soldiers after me.

Those aside...this was a really nice, calm chapter. I liked the fact that Kayo and Rose had some one-on-one time to talk, for Rose to learn things from Kayo; I was sad to see hostilities stir up again, but on a whole, things seem to be improving between them--they're no longer trying to kill each other. xD

And despite what Rose thought (about not owing him anything, least of all an apology), whatever she thought--her actions spoke otherwise. :)

I'm eager to read the next chapter. Excellent work as always, with both the characterizations, and the environment.

I'd wondered if Sara was linked to the Divinae--it would seem so. Now that Rose knows though, I can see it being difficult to keep that thought from her mind. I mean, she'd try, I'm sure...but subconsciously, it'll probably lurk there every time she sees the child. I hope she's able to keep the secret.

I'm also relieved to see things are getting better between Rose and Kayo; maybe she'll be able to forgive him, yet. Artemis doesn't seem so bad, anymore; I had my doubts about her, but I guess she's just under a lot of pressure, and with Rose being who she is...well, anyone would feel cautious, not knowing if someone is going to turn their whole world upside down, or not.

I kinda like the fact that Rose doesn't know shame like everyone else does (about being naked, or nearly naked). Kayo's reaction was amusing, lol! Pity that she does know jealous longing now, though. Artemis isn't a bad character, but I still get the sense she and Rose are going to come to logger heads over something or other.

This tale you've woven is shaping up beautifully--the conflict, the peaceful moments, the thoughts, emotions, and environment--incredible. And it seems you have hooking down to a fine art, because you left this chapter at a cliff-hanger. xD Guess I'm not stopping just yet.

(Came across a typo, here) though the statue’s eyes still glimmered in the half-light lie diamonds

 

Ah, looks like I was wrong; seems Artemis and Dominic are an item (though I think the last chapter is when that occurred to me; I forgot to mention it, lol). Pfft; Rose sure is delusional--if she doesn't care what they think, then why does she find their words so hurtful? :P Ah, that girl...she's got a lot to learn.

 

Oh my gods...I could have died, when she flared up on Kayo. I understand her anger...I really do; she was scared, and alone, and he left her to die (for all she knew). But still...I feel terrible for him, considering he only did it because he was scared, because of the people he's so desperate to protect.

 

I literally cannot stop reading--you've done such superb work on this.

 

The tension in this chapter (between Rose and Kayo) was incredibly well done; I could sympathize with both of them, yet at the same time, I wanted to give them both a firm shake.

Ah, so Kayo was the one on the ship. Lol! That's been driving me crazy; I wondered (because of the kiss he received from the woman, and how he reacted) if it was him, but I was more certain of it being the actual Black Death. You're really good at keeping readers on their toes, aren't you? :P I probably should have guessed.

Also, I really like Dominic; I'm so glad he stuck it to Rose the way he did (telling her to get off her high horse) because honestly, she needed to hear it. She acts as if she's superior to the orphans, when that's the furthest thing from the truth--she's done the same things they've done, all in the name of survival. I'm glad you made her so infuriating at points--it means her development is sure to be rewarding. :)

I also like how you have him explain why Kayo is the way he is--I suspected that, when Rose yelled at Kayo about leaving her to die in the cell (and he faltered), that he felt something at her words--so it's good to know he really did feel remorse for what he'd done.

Okay, I get that Rose has been alone for a long time, but....is she really that bloody clueless? Okay, yeah...probably. Anyone who's lived her life might be this socially challenged...but it doesn't stop me from being mad at her for daring to think herself the victim like that. Granted, she didn't understand that her words--however true--were hurtful, too much for Alysia to bear. But once she was told? She ought to have gone and apologized.

I guess she probably will, at some point; somebody's gotta teach this girl about these things called "emotions", and that other people besides her have them, too. Heh, she's kind of like a toddler, eh? Still at that self-centred, incapable of empathy stage.

Sorry, sorry...when I get mad at a character, it shows the writer has done a good job portraying them. :) I'm definitely reading more.

Rose's distrust is very natural--not because of the horrible stories she's heard about orphans, but because this is clearly the first time in her life anyone has ever done anything nice for her, without some sort of ulterior motive.

I like how you played around with the prospect of Kayo being the Black Death, only to reveal he isn't. I had wondered if he was, or if he might be his companion--but it seems he is neither. Nicely done; it's good to keep your readers guessing. ;)

The emotions are very palpable in this chapter, and you did an excellent job describing both the environment and the tone.

More importantly, you've made Rose a very believable character; her flaws are driving me right up the wall, lol! The fact that she clings to her preconceived notions makes me want to shake her--I hardly view the Black Death as a bad guy. I assume anyone he kills, he does (or rather, did) it for good reason. Anyone going against Romero is a hero in my books. I wonder if she'll come to learn that?

Hmm...I'm certain he isn't dead, though; at least not executed (not after the last scene I recall him being in). Though I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

I really liked how this chapter ended, as well; I think Rose is finally starting to understand things are never as simple as she perceives them to be. I can understand her mixed feelings toward them--especially Kayo--and I was pleasantly surprised to see Dominic show her kindness afterward.

Further speculation on my part--Artemis has a thing for Kayo, and if I had to guess, the feeling isn't mutual--if he likes anyone, it's probably Alysia. Just a guess. :P

Well, I've rambled long enough; this is an excellent read, and I'll be diving into more of it, later.

Ah, so Serena is alive? I thought that she had died for certain, that Romero may have even killed her out of passion. I see now that any speculations of her death made by others was simply that--speculation. She could still be alive.

You set the tone for this chapter really well, opening it the way you did. :)

A word seems to be omitted in this sentence: Her harsh voice, her twisted, left him shaken, unnerved;

I really like all of the little details, specifically in Romero's actions when he's kind of in a daze, going about the same business that he has for so long, and only coming out of it when required to. You have made one hell of a good antagonist--I both hate him, and admire him.

he remembered Serena in this same dress, and it was just as tantalizing on Angela, <--Earlier on in the chapter, you had Romero picking out a dress Serena had never worn, before. Hence why I'm pointing this out. ^^;

He fled right into Auna’s waiting arms, surprising the young princess with his desperation to hold be held, to love and be loved (I think you omitted "and" between "to hold" and "to be held".

I could almost feel sorry for Romero--almost. What with his sadness, his need for affection. It doesn't erase the fact that he's an a-hole for all he's done, of course--but at least you've made him believable, not just outright evil. He's human. :)

What few errors I found didn't take away from the engaging plot, nor the incredible writing. You've done a splendid job, and I'll be sure to read more. ^^

Lol, I'm glad it kept you entertained during your journey, then. ^^ I'm also glad that you see so much potential in Phenex's character development; I won't give anything away, of course. Speculation is half the fun, right? ;)

Agreed on your outlook (about Forneus' powers being taken away). It's not something they did to him directly, but what occurred the moment the artifacts were compromised. Stupid of them to have set that up, but on the plus side, they left him with some of his powers. Argh, there's so much I can't give away. xD Suffice it to say, the council as a whole isn't like that--just certain deities.

It's good to hear you've been enjoying it thus far; I hope it continues to entertain you. ^^ Thank you so much for the comments, and I hope the holidays are good to you. :)

 

 

 

 

It never once occurred to her to offer to help, but Alysia didn’t seem to mind; she hummed cheerfully as she , and seemed content in the silence. There seems to be a word omitted, there. ^^;

 

I'm trying to get a read on Artemis, and I can't help thinking that Rose is going to have a rough time with her; something about her attitude, the way she talks to her and that brief look on her face...I get the feeling Kayo's at the centre of whatever animosity Artemis has for Rose.

Well written, and very nicely done, detailing the environment (as usual).

 

 

Hmm. I'd suspected that his fall may have rattled his brains some (since when he was dragging her along, I couldn't make sense of why he was so worried about her--no one had actually known she'd helped him, after all), and it looks like my assumption was correct.

 

Excellent chapter; I could feel her despair at being left in that cold, dreary little cell after thinking she'd be rescued. True, what she thought should happen seemed outlandish, but aside from the humour I found in it, I could also understand why she felt that way.

 

Well, that's enough rambling from me; diving into the next chapter!

Another excellent, well-detailed chapter. I really like the focus you put on the girl's introspection, how she was at odds were her concern for the boy; I'm not sure, but I'm guessing he's the assassin's cohort from the previous chapter?

I also feel like I'm getting closer to the reason behind the story's title--like perhaps they belong to an organized society of orphans taking a stand against Romero--perhaps even the Prince is among them (maybe he's the one the girl's with, even).

You did a superb job, detailing the sewer...I wanted to gag at points too, just imagining the smell, or the sound of the boy gagging.

Another candle down the narrow tunnel, where gravel crunched underfoot…then another, guiding her into a crevasse at the end of what looked like a small                                   cave-in…. (I'm curious as to whether you meant to have the gap there, or not).

This story is incredible--both of your works are--and I'm really glad you uploaded more chapters. I look forward to continuing on in my free time. ^^ I really hope to see this published, and on my bookshelf one day.

 

 

This was an excellent chapter; you painted a very vivid picture of the ship burning, and of the chaos and confusion that follows--all in a very realistic light. I get the feeling I'm going to really like this assassin; sounds like a far more decent human being than Romero could ever hope to be.

The Savillan language was interesting, as well; I assume it's either Spanish or Italian, or a mixture of? (Just as I assume Courman is the common tongue, such as English?)

I'll certainly enjoy the next thirty-odd chapters you've provided, as well. ;)

 

The descriptions were very vivid, painting a very clear picture of the warship, and of the rest of the environment as well; you definitely have a knack for this kind of thing. It flows so smoothly that it's easy to get lost in the story, and forget I'm reading words on a screen. :)

When the guards were debating about the warship, two things came to mind: the guards from Pirates of the Caribbean (which made me chuckle), and the Trojan's using a wooden horse to sneak into enemy territory in the guise of a peace offering; I wasn't sure if this was the case. I'm assuming it isn't, but you really did make me wonder for a minute, there. xD

The Black Death attacking below the decks of the ship was also incredibly well done; I could see it all so clearly, and the guards' panic was my own.

I did find one typo at the end, there: you put the guard "yell" instead of "yelled", but that aside, everything was flawless as far as I could see.

This is definitely an excellent read.

Oh! Lol, I figured that's what he was doing (rummaging) I'd just never heard the term "rootling", before. Sorry, my bad. xD

 

And no trouble at all! ^^

This was a good build-up chapter: the doctor seems very pleasant, and I agree with his hesitancy to aid them; if I'd seen many others fail before because I encouraged them to undertake a dangerous task such as that, I'd feel the same way.

The girls seems to be growing as characters, too. Samantha is very blunt, but that's a good thing--it means she's less likely to lie about her intentions. She may be harsh (even without meaning to be), but she sounds loyal enough. :) It should be particularly interesting to see Janelle's character growth, since she's nowhere near as self-assured as her companion.

 

Critique:

The doctor nodded, rootling through a small drawer. (If I had to guess, you were caught between "rooting" and "rattling", there).

"Well, she was more than a sister to me. My mother died in childbirth, and my father died shortly after her that..." (It looks as though you wanted to phrase it, "died shortly after her" or "shortly after that", but once again, both came out). ^^;

 

I'm curious as to how the girls "know" the doctor is up to something; nothing about his mannerisms seemed outwardly suspicious, so I'm curious as to how they came to that conclusion. I also think the story would benefit with a bit more detail in regards to the environment--what does it look, smell, and feel like? Just some helpful tips, nothing more. :)

Lol, it's alright. :) I think we're all guilty of relying on our word processors. ^^; When you have a lot to write, it comes in handy--but sometimes it misses certain things, or tells you there are errors, when otherwise there aren't. >.< Frustrating, I know.

All told, you've done really well. :) Keep up the good work!

A very good start to this chapter, I figure. The first scene flowed very smoothly; I'm still trying to make sense of how Liebermann, despite seeing what Alsatia is capable of, still doesn't believe her story.

Ah, so Eil-Sanyi was her mother, I take it? I feel sorry for the Phoenix, given Alsatia's mercurial moods, but then again, I suppose she can't help them; some of them are brought on by being in an unfamiliar place and thus, frightened, while some...well, I'm not sure about the moments when she comes across like the Winter Queen; I'm trying to discern whether it's simply a habit she picked up, or some sort of personality affliction.

The very last part has me intrigued; I wonder if her powers are temporarily dormant, now?

Not that I expect an answer, of course. Just curiosity. :) I look forward to reading more.

 

Also: I'm thinking you must have omitted something here, but I'm not sure what you intended the Phoenix to say: "You may not see them now, but they will be clear as day to you when you truly go out to fulfill them. If nothing else, do not give up can be just because of what once was.”

 

You have a fairly good grasp for formal dialogue, and for certain turns of phrase; I particularly liked this bit, here: "No economy can rest on the backs of those who must walk upon eggshells.” It really drives the severity of the situation home. :)

 

I am very, very curious about this devious little ice-child; from what her parents were saying beforehand, I'm given to wonder if she was in a sort of coma until then: if so, I imagine when she awoke, she wasn't whoever she'd been prior to the coma. Either that, or this creature under the guise of a little girl switched places with the real girl at some point? I'm looking forward to finding out what theories are correct, and which aren't. The premise of your story is very promising. :)

 

That said...I do feel the need to offer critique, as well.

 

Typos/errors: "...for it means the murder knows of our decree and that we in this room are all in danger as well.” (I'm sure you meant to put, "murderer").

The singing stopped for a few seconds—and soon thereafter, so did the heart of the wife’s representative (shouldn't that be the representative's wife? Since the rep was just killed beforehand?)

You also might want to rein in some of your adjective and adverb usage; there are times when it is unnecessary to use them, and they tend to throw the flow of the sentence or paragraph they're in off-balance. For example, this here: He looked to her softly, but put more of his concentration into his surroundings, wondering if the Icebound Killer had run off when she began to scream. Seeing no one within the admittedly low visibility, he stepped to the little girl and kneeled down gently.

I think sentence structure might be an issue as well; some of the areas where you use more adverbs and adjectives might still work, if rearranged somewhat.

 

 

Hello, again. :)

Interesting chapter; I wonder how things will turn out for Alsatia when she talks with Liebermann in his office?

It looks like Alsatia isn't the only one that wound up leaving her world, and entering into ours. That's quite unfortunate for the people in Delhi; I don't imagine anyone would be ready for a threat level of that magnitude.

I look forward to seeing how this progresses.

I came across some typos: the crew of the Roger Gutierrez brought her more warmth than any other creatures in her life every had.

he joked to the tending paramedics, eliciting a chuckle form each of them.

Another thing I'm noticing is you seem to switch your third-person point of view around a bit; there are times when you mention Alsatia's thoughts or feelings and those of another character within the same scene; just thought I'd point it out, since it's my understanding that within a scene, it's better to stick to one character's perspective so as to avoid confusion for the reader (though I think there may be circumstances where it's doable, depending on how it's done).

Well, I'm back as I promised, and the latter half of this chapter was every bit as good as the first half. :) You capture the events and the surroundings very vividly, and your prose is very fluid.

I came across one typo, however; when the chambermaids were bathing Lucy, you put "woman" singular, rather than plural. That aside, I found no others faults with it.

I look forward to reading more.

I cannot begin to tell you how much I enjoyed this chapter; you made the emotions palpable to the point that I was actually holding my breath, while Romero interrogated the Divina. I also really liked the way you described the Divinae's powers, how it's like a vast library, in which they can see everyone writing their own stories; I thoroughly enjoyed that part, because I find sense in it--in people writing their own destinies. :)

 

I actually have read only about half the chapter (sadly, I lost track of time, and don't have time to read more until later), but I'll be sure to read more, and give you the rest of the feedback for this chapter. :) Suffice it to say I am both hooked and impressed when it comes to this story. Keep up the brilliant work!

 

No trouble at all. Glad to have been able to help. :)

This certainly gives a more definitive look at the Winter Queen, and just how cruel she truly can be. She's most definitely what you'd expect from an antagonist that's actually fulfilling the role of being evil.

I look forward to seeing how things play out. :)

However, there's also some critique to be had:

Typo(s)-- You put, "I will bifurcate you were you stand" (when it should have been "where")

"Why do you ack so recklessly" (act). Unless, of course, this was done intentionally, due to the old woman's slit throat? I can see the mispronunciation of words because of that, but given that the rest of her dialogue wasn't like that, I couldn't be sure.

I think you omitted a couple of words, here: Flange looked to his liege and stood back a few paces; even someone resistant to Di’Yisheni magic like he was powerless to prevent himself from freezing to death if the Winter Queen’s ability so wished him to. (maybe an extra "he was" after a comma break? I'm not sure).

 

 

Hello, again!

This was a good bridging chapter; it was calmer than previous ones, but it contains the feeling of something big about to happen.

I did notice a couple of errors: "...she had wrested control of the realm the progenitor realm of the Lunar Faeries from him thousands of years ago (I assume you only meant to have "she had wrested the progenitor realm" there).

And this: Wiping her long, icy-blue hair out the way (you omitted "of").

Aside from that, I saw no other errors; there are points where you use rather complicated words where a simpler will suffice, but I figure that boils down to personal preference, so I wouldn't worry about it too much, unless it becomes an issue later on.

Well, I shall read on. ^.^

 

 

 

I came across one typo: "How has she not died of hypertension yet?” the doctor questioned, the look in his face indicating had clearly not seen such a case before—then again, who had? (I'm sure you meant, "he'd").

Another excellent chapter, by the way. I think both Alsatia and the captain's reactions to the situation are believable; the wariness, the hostility, and of course, the fear and confusion.

I'm very eager to read more. :)

 

 

The chapter was a bit short, but no less enjoyable; from the descriptions of the flames surrounding Alsatia as she spoke to whom I can only assume is her future self, to the nautical jargon between the captain and his son on the ship, I thoroughly enjoyed all of it.

It's clear that it's Alsatia he's found in the boiler; I'm really curious how she'll handle being in a world that isn't her own, and how things will turn out between her, the captain, and his son.

 

 

Hello there. ^^

First of all, don't worry about the number of POV's you have in your story; it may not be incredibly common, but it has been done before, and it didn't cause any problems for the readers of those particular series. As long as it's done well, that's all that matters.

Anyway, this in an interesting premise. The Writer's POV was a bit short, but no less engaging. I get the feeling it sets the readers up for a more in-depth look at the character, later on.

 

 

Another incredible chapter. Very eloquently written, with well-flowing descriptions. :) Using the vagrants' dialogue for the purpose of moving the core plot forward was excellent, and given how some of them spoke, it provided character.

I'm very curious about this red-headed girl; I look forward to seeing what becomes of her, next. You did an excellent job, pinpointing how she felt, after killing those guards. Despite the fact that she did it out of self-defense, I think it was a very realistic view, having her feel some level of remorse for it.

I'm really looking forward to reading, further. :)

Lol, so sorry about that. XD If it's any consolation, I've had that problem many a-time with t.v. shows (The Walking Dead, in particular; never eat while watching something that gruesome. *Shudders*).

You're the second person I can recall who's pointed that out about Gwen (being braver when Forneus is around). I don't think I even intentionally made it that way, but I guess my subconscious decided she'd feel much less secure without him, there. ^^; Funny how that works, huh?

I've never read or watched The Vampire Diaries, but no judgment, here (I like L.J. Smith's The Forbidden Game Trilogy, so I imagine Vampire Diaries are just as good). I'm really glad to see you like Phenex, despite his deep-seated issues with humanity; your speculations make me happier than I can say (not everyone can see past his exterior).

As for the bit about Forneus having already undergone something difficult at the Council's hands? Well, that'll be answered, come the next chapter. ;)

Thank you so much for the feedback; I really, really appreciate it. :)

 

 

The effort certainly shows. :) Rest assured, you've done an amazing job. I look forward to seeing more.

Hi! Sorry it's taken me so long to start on this one.

I'm really enjoying it so far; you opened it up really well, and I love your attention to detail; especially the descriptions of the environment and of the characters, themselves.

Came across one error: “Romero, what the have you done?!”

My heart really ached for Rafael there, it really did. All that time, struggling to reason with Romero; I loved how he still found the strength to defy him at the end, though, that his only plea was to spare his family, and not himself.

Excellent work, all around; you conveyed the emotions so perfectly. I look forward to reading more. ^^

 

This was very vivid and imaginative. I really hope to see more in the future, but if you opt not to publish more online (which I would understand; I've only provided a small portion of my own work, myself), then I hope to one day see this published and sitting on bookstore shelves. :)

 

Excellent chapter. I love your descriptions and the dialogue, in particular. Their bond may be tenuous, but it seems to me the Phoenix does have a great deal of loyalty to her--perhaps he knows why, perhaps he doesn't, but it's clear he cares for her survival.

He must have cared for her true family a great deal. I can't wait to see how things unfurl.

I really liked the introspective between Alsatia and the Phoenix. I feel somewhat sorry for him, considering she is so distrustful--but I also understand her distrust, since she doesn't know where he comes from, and with the way she's been treated by her adoptive family.

I'm assuming the Prologue follows the sequence of events in these chapters, right? I just want to be certain; I know Alsatia intended on killing the Queen, but I wasn't certain if she actually had at that time.

Anyway, I digress; I'm really enjoying this.

Hey, no trouble at all. ^.^

Hahaha, I have that exact same problem, strangely enough; or you change the sentence structure, thinking that what you changed it to flows better, only to have someone say you should phrase it this way....which is exactly what you had before you started second-guessing yourself. XD No worries, I think it happens to everyone.

I understand, so no trouble there; read at your leisure. I know life can get pretty busy when all you want to do is read or write. :P I look forward to your feedback when you're ready to give it.

Hope you have a great weekend!

Beautifully done!

I really liked this chapter; it sucked me in, and answered a few questions; so she isn't the Phoenix, per se, but he resides within her, is some part of her--probably an extension of herself, if I had to hazard a guess.

This chapter answered quite a few of the questions that cropped up in the Prologue, and sets the stage for an epic adventure. I really look forward to reading more. :)

Very interesting concept; I like it, already (but then again, I love Phoenixes).

There are some areas where it would have benefited from the appropriate punctuation, but aside from that, I can find no fault with it.

I'm looking forward to learning more about her; about her past, and about what will become of her, now (well, what you didn't already cover in your summary, that is).

This should be interesting, indeed. :)

Hey, thanks for the comments. :)

Oh, if only fire-retardant clothing was standard, lol.

I wish I could reply more in-depth to some of your speculations, but I don't want to spoil anything; I just hope you continue to enjoy the story, and that Reeves and his Ladyship live up to your expectations in their antagonistic roles. ;)

I really appreciate you taking the time to read Whispers of Nowhere and giving the feedback and critique I need, so thanks again. :)

 

Hello, again! Sorry it's been awhile since my last comment.

Anyway, here goes:

So, the truth comes out--Fenister had her drugged, so she'd be cooperative when Andy came for her. I can't say I'd be too pleased with his methods, either, but I can't help admiring his determination in trying to keep her safe...even if it is for somewhat selfish reasons, on his part.

As always, nice work with the flashback; it gives a nice glimpse into her past, and how things have changed so drastically for her. I wonder if she'll ever be able to save Xavier, or if he's a lost cause?

Now onto the critique: There are still some areas that read like run-on sentences, or at the very least look like they'd benefit from a comma in certain spots. Example: "Regardless of where we were going(comma) I needed medical attention for the injuries or I was going to end up as a cripple for the rest of my life. (I'm also not sure the "as" really needs to be there, but it's up to you if it stays, or not.

Found typos/errors: "I tried to sleep throughout the three our ride"

"Inside a doctor of some sort had me lie down on a bed and preformed"

"The troopers walked silence casually scanning the room,"

Errors aside, I really like the way this story is playing out. :)

This is shaping up to be very interesting, indeed. I'm really curious about Ariana; she's definitely not your ordinary, everyday seventeen-year-old. I wonder why she has so much childlike wonder going on, why she can be so on-point with some things, yet so naive with others? It'll be interesting, learning what her story is.

I'm also curious to learn a bit more about Kayla, and her past.

I did come across a few errors, though; areas where you omitted a word: "Ariana likely wouldn’t know what a fuse box, much less where it could be found." (what a fuse box was, I'm guessing is what you meant to put).

"Ariana was trapped her own version of Hell." (in her own version of Hell).

And I came across one typo: "Thank you!" she exclaimed, planting a kiss on the brunette's check.

 

That said, I'll be sure to read more. :)

 

 

I actually have it saved to favourites. ^_^ I'll be reading it soon, I wager.

Hello! ^_^

I finally found time enough to get some reading in, so I thought I'd start with Endless Wonder.

I got a chuckle out of Belle's comparison to being a character in a story being led to follow a predetermined narrative. It was a very nice touch. ;)

This is well written, concise and to the point, and has made me very, very curious about both her origins, and where that vortex led to.

I look forward to reading more. :)

 

 

It's alright; I've been having the same problem (so many stories I mean to keep reading here and elsewhere, and not enough time to do it).

I'm glad you're enjoying it. Truthfully, I think Gwen handled it better than I would have, too. :P

I'm also glad that the characters and the plot have your attention; heh, most people don't like him right off the hop, so it's nice to see someone who does, despite his attitude problem with Gwen in particular, and humans in general.

It's good to hear I've kept you engaged with my descriptions, even if I feel like I have so much to work on with---well, everything. ^^; It makes me happy, either way.

Please, take as much time as you need. :) I still have yet to delve into your works (which I feel so bad about, because I keep thinking of it, but NaNo...my gods, NaNo is time consuming). I promise, I'll read yours as soon as possible. ^_^

 

Thank you again for your comments. It's made my day, really.

 

Aww, you're very welcome. ^_^ I'm glad that it helps.

This is so eloquently written! The comparisons you make while detailing all that is happening, both to the people and their environment, is astounding. The way you wrote about the flames, how you speak of them as though they were sentient--I love it! I long for the day when I can write like this, and this isn't just flattery--I am absolutely enthralled with your prose. :)

As Marli is going around the library's fourth floor, there's a section where you started to use brackets, but you didn't use the ending bracket. ^^; Just thought I'd let you know.

I also really like Marli's introspective, how you shed light on the complexities of what she's feeling; how she still cares, yet is detached, at the same time. Growing up the way she did, it isn't any wonder, really.

I could feel her rage, when Kayle's old flame thought she could just weasle her way back into his life, now that his life was so close to being at an end. I can understand her anger, even if she was in denial about her own feelings...or perhaps she just needs time to see them for what they are.

Great work, all around. I loved the attention to detail on her healing powers (I should be taking notes from you, since we're writing for the same genre. Don't worry though, I would never steal--I just lack your descriptive prowess, lol).

I can't wait to see what happens, next. I also wonder how Kamile is faring, and what became of Everan. I wonder if it's possible that he survived... :(

Honestly, your work is amazing. I really hope you get published, when this story is done. ^^ I'd buy it in a heartbeat.

 

 

 

Thank you for your comments. :)

I'm glad certain things about Whispers of Nowhere has garnered your curiosity as they have, and I appreciate your feedback. Thanks for the tips; I'll definitely take them into consideration, but you've definitely hit the nail on the head. When reading over our own work, using their names and their respective pronouns does seem repetitive. I'll try to use their titles a bit less, though I probably won't abandon them, outright. ^^; Hopefully I can master some sort of balance (some of my favourite fantasy books will use titles as well, but probably nowhere near as often as I have, so you're probably right).

Heh, as to Gwen getting sick; I was working under the premise that she hadn't eaten anything for some time, so that it would be bile (I've unfortunately done the same). Though I suppose I could tweak it, so it makes more sense. :)

Lol, glad you see the similarities as well; I think it might just be something that comes up with this particular genre of writing. We both have likely picked it up from books or other stories we enjoy, without realizing it. ^^

Anyway, I'm rambling. Thank you again for your feedback. I really do appreciate it.

You're very welcome! ^^

Ha, very true; age seldom indicates maturity level, and if I had to guess, Carey's had a rather sheltered life, so she likely isn't mentally or emotionally where other, more experienced eighteen-year-olds would be. :P

I look forward to reading more. :)

Thank you very much for your comments. I'm glad you're finding Whispers of Nowhere to be of interest. :)

If it's any consolation, my descriptions weren't like that when I started this story. ^^; Never worry about being good as me, because 1) I've still got a long way to go, and 2) You're an exceptional writer in your own right. :) We all have our strengths and weaknesses; whatever areas you feel you're lacking in, you'll overcome them, don't worry.

And no, it's quite alright, no apology necessary. I posted here for feedback, and you've been very kind with yours. :) It's definitely something I'll have to work on. ^^; Sentence structure is one of my weak areas, as it turns out, so the advice is much appreciated.

 

Some parts didn't flow as seamlessly in this chapter, or certain words were present where others would have been better suited, but overall, the chapter was well done. :)

I had a feeling 256 wouldn't be as bad a guy as Carey assumed; of course, he assumes that the Gifted are better than everyone else, but having been brought up to think that way, it's not difficult to see why. That kind of thinking will take time to change, if it ever does.

I figure we also have a similar writing style, or think along similar lines. ^^; I came across a few things that reminded me of the events in my own story; mostly in the characters' mannerisms, thought process, etc. Funny how that happens, sometimes. :)

Beautiful work on detailing the environment; I particularly liked the Council chamber, as I could see it perfectly; the distinction between their clothing was also nicely done.

I understand Carey's resistance, but at the same time, I feel her reaction to the Leader was kind of...juvenile. Which of course might be intended on your part, entirely. I just figured, what with her being eighteen, she would have done something more witty. But pay me no mind, lol. ^^; I'm just speculating, is all.

Anyway, good chapter. I'll read more, as soon as I can.

Okay, so managed to find some time to continue with this (thankfully!)

I didn't come across any errors, and the writing was pretty clean and fluid, as far as i can see. :)

I'm with Samantha--I don't trust the inn-keep one iota. Something tells me she knew they were the girls from the mountain; though whether she has good or bad intentions, I can't say. She could be testing them, for all I know, lol. I'll just have to keep reading, in order to see.

Likewise, the latter half of the chapter was also interesting. To think, Carey avoided being taken all that time--but then again, nothing had manifested before then. I wonder why it came about, now of all times? I like how you made a point to show that Carey had expected the Assessor to look quite different, probably a look befitting his station, and how he was quite different from what she'd imagined. On that note, I have a feeling it's not just as simple as bad guys and good guys; I get the feeling the Assessor is no happier about his role than anyone else is. I'm eager to see what follows.

Hi, there!

Thank you for the comment, and for pointing out the "finishing" problem. I don't know how I missed that one, but I imagine the amount of times I've changed that particular sentence might have something to do with it. ^^; 

I appreciate your feedback, and I'll definitely be taking  your advice into consideration. In regards to passed/past, though; I think it's a regional thing. Where I come from, "past" has to do with the passage of time, where as "passed" has to do with movement. But, I have noticed "past" can be used for either or, so I'll take it into consideration, as well.

Also, sorry I haven't gotten back to you on your work; with NaNo going on, I've barely had time for much else. I'll be sure to get to it the first chance I get, though. :)

 

Again, thank you!

I think the use of flashbacks in that manner is quite clever, and it does move the core story forward, which is great. Not many people can utilize it that efficiently, but you pulled it off quite well.

And no trouble at all. ^^ You're story has great potential, and is something I'd love to see published. :) Likewise, thank you for the help you've given me. I appreciate your candidness.

Thank you for your comments, and your continued interest in the story. As soon as I have time, I'll definitely clean up some of the clunky, more repetitive areas. Thank you for pointing them out, as well. :)

“And that’s why we made she he stayed alive; so we could keep you. You two are a package deal, Command always knew that and they used that against you.” (Should be "sure")

I heard the pattering of rain ahead of us; we were close to the exit. We rushed down the hallway and burst of the grey building onto a field of ice; (I think you omitted "out", here).

“Since they stepped onto Obituan soil Inersian.” The lead trooper said coldly. (I feel as though a comma should be between "soil" and "Inersian". There aren't too many, but there are few areas throughout the chapter that either require punctuation, or have the a period when they ought to have, say, a question mark--mostly toward the beginning, I noticed).

Aside from those few things I mentioned, this chapter was an enjoyable read; the banter between Summers and Fenister was entertaining, and I really do like how you put these brief snippets from the past at the end of your chapters, giving the readers a glimpse into the characters' pasts. :)

 

 

Incredible!

Beautiful writing, as always; excellent prose, great detail on the environment, and you did an amazing job on...well, everything! :)

This was a brilliant chapter, and incredibly heart-wrenching. I didn't see it coming to this, at all. I really look forward to reading more, and seeing how things turn out.

Love the way you opened up this chapter. At one point, you referred to the dwarves as being much too small and loud for the room, but I'm guessing you meant "much too big", given how you've made them large, and the context of the sentence that follows (which suggests it would be all too easy for them to break something).

Just thought I'd point that out. ^^;

That one, tiny error aside, this was beautifully written; the descriptions, everything form the environment, to the people, to the moods---was perfect. I feel so badly for Everan, what with him feeling like he's holding Kamile back, like he'll never be loved as she is.

The premise behind your story is fascinating, and I look forward to learning more about the Heart of Ametris, and why it affected the people the way it did. :) Great work, all around.

Good work on this chapter's opening; the description of the environment and Summers' mental state at this time works well as a hook. :)

A bit repetitive in certain areas again though, particularly whenever Colonel Summers reiterates what she's doing or how she's feeling (for example, the amount of pain she's in, doubting she could move, anyhow, etc.) Nothing too severe, of course, but just things to look out for in the future.

He leaned down beside my ear, “I’m asking you to take a guess operative, I’m sure your well trained brain can manage that for yes?” he whispered, openly threatening. <--I'm guessing a word was omitted there, but I'm not sure what you wanted him to say. Some of his other dialogue seems a little too forthcoming; he's giving too much away in a short amount of time, but if the character was intended to be long-winded in that manner, I won't say more--other than to break some of the dialogue up a bit with punctuation; some of the time, it reads a bit like a run-on sentence. Again, feel free to use your discretion, when it comes to advice; I'm just telling you what I see from a reader's perspective.

However, with critique I always find something worthy of praise, and honestly, you have quite the gift of phrase; certain paragraphs flow beautifully, and give a very clear perception of Colonel Summers' tone, personality, and the like. :)

I also liked how the fight ended between her and the Aphelian; I'm curious to learn more about this Fenister person that saved her. The flashback was also interesting; makes me wonder if the captain in the flashback was Fenister, or if the flashbacks are merely intended to highlight the events of the current chapter, or the one to come.

All in all, this is a good story; very imaginative and engaging.

 

 

 

 

 

Good attention to detail, though a bit repetitive in certain areas. It's good to see that Colonel Summers has regained a fair portion of her memory at this time (about how and why she faked her own death, and why she's being hunted down).

Nice work on the fight scene, and I particularly liked the tidbit about what Ops 9 agents really are, how they're the elite of the elite. :) You seem to have a good grasp for military hierarchy. Some sentences didn't flow as smoothly, however, or lacked punctuation in areas where it was needed, most. Use your discretion of course, when it comes to any advice given, but I'd say keep an eye on sentence structure, and on specific word use. In some cases, the simplest terms make for a bigger impact. :)

Critique aside, Ops 9: Memory has been an enjoyable read thus far, and one I intend to keep on reading. :)

 

 

 

 

First, thank you for your continued interest in this story; the fact that you're taking the time to speculate is heartening. :) So thank you.

I think there must be some confusion though, so I suppose I should clarify a few things. ^^; Forneus didn't bump into Gwen--rather, he was viewing her and the artifacts on a series of magical surveillance screens. But yes, you're correct in your assumption that she was the one he saw. :)

Yup, Phenex is one of their operatives. Yeah, I know what you mean about the human firebird parts, and all. I'm still trying to work around it, or find a more fluid designation. If I only referred to him by his name, or by "He", it would get pretty confusing, since he and Forneus are often around at the same time. ^^; Still, I'll work on that. I appreciate the honesty.

As to Phenex's hostility--one of your earlier assessments (in a previous comment) about being impatient and reckless (his connection with fire) is correct; his past, though not revealed yet in any of the chapters, definitely plays a big part in his attitude. I know, he's being kind of a jerk. :P

Sorry I haven't been able to give you more feedback on your own works. I promise the first chance I get, I will. I've just been busy with NaNoWriMo (my first time doing it), but I'll make it a point to read more of your story this week.

Thank you so much again, for taking the time to read and comment on Whispers of Nowhere. :)

Thank you for the comment. ^_^

I don't want to give too much away, but let's just say it has more to do with Phenex having confidence in Forneus personally being able to handle whatever comes his way, than in anything else. :)

The next chapter should answer a few of your questions, but if you ever have more, feel free to ask. Also, in regards to Phenex, his true form is that of an actual phoenix, but due to certain reasons (that I think are vaguely mentioned in the next chapter), he takes on a human guise. Just thought I'd clear that up. ^^

Anyway, thanks again!

-Shannon-

 

No trouble at all; I know how easy it is to miss these things, especially when you've combed over them so often, you become sort of desensitized to them.

And ah, I see; I started to suspect as much by the second chapter (about the Issue armour). Sorry, my bad. ^^;

I'll be sure to read more. It's been very interesting thus far, and I imagine it gets better from here.

Actually, he's not supposed to be a sailor; when I said navy frock coat, I probably should have thrown in "blue". I was only referring to the colour. ^^;

Thanks for bringing that to my attention, as well as some of the other less fluid areas; I'll certainly adjust what I can.

Your input is much appreciated. ^_^ Thank you very much.

-Shannon-

Nicely done on the descriptions, both of the surroundings in contrast to Colonel Summers' garb, and in reference to the sounds of her armour with each movement.

Came across a typo: you put "hanger" instead of "hangar", when you were referring to the hangar bay.

Good attention to detail on the environment; you seem to have a gift for expression. :)

It's also obvious that you've put a lot of time and effort into the overall plot, the characters, and the cities.

"during the day its shadow covered the whole of Belaria, its closest neighbor, in shadow" <--Just thought I'd point out another one of those 'two sentences in one' things that crop up from time-to-time.

Aside from a few minor errors here or there, I'm genuinely interested to learn about Colonel Summers' memory loss, and to learn more about this friend her thoughts keep wandering to. You've created an engaging plot, and with the little tidbits you've given about her memories, you've got hooking down to a science. Looking forward to seeing what I'll learn in the next chapter. :)

 

 

Thanks for commenting!

I fixed the part you mentioned, since the phrasing did seem a bit off (it's been bugging me for awhile), so thank you for pointing it out. ^^

No pressure of course, but if you do read more, critique is most welcome. :)

I'm just going to list some of the mistakes I came across, and then I'll get to the actual feedback and critique, just for simplicity's sake:

"I was always was a rather lonely person"

"In our glistening white body armor we would stood out like sore thumbs"

"Our issued armor" (you missed the D)

"As we slogged slowly through the crowded transit way I got a good long look at the massive skyscrapers with cast shadows over my entire world" Should be "which", but I also think this sentence could have used a bit more punctuation, such as commas, such as after "transit way", and after "good" and "long". Otherwise, it feels a bit like a run-on sentence.

"above us the pale moon hung low obscured slightly by the dense cloud cover above" The sentence structure needs work, and needs punctuation at the appropriate intervals.

"We paid the tab and then quickly strode off towards the building, as we drew up to the front I saw the massive sign above the entrance: Inersia Central Intelligence." The part I bolded should probably be the start of another sentence, not divided by a comma.

The italicized section (which I assume is a flashback), requires some tweaking as well; punctuation where necessary, and rather than putting sounds between stars, showing what's happening. Show vs. Tell.

 

Now, all that aside, I think this started off promisingly enough; it just needs some minor adjustments to tighten it up. I'm actually quite surprised that more people haven't commented; it's a shame, really, because this does look like it's going to be an interesting read.

Keep at it, and don't get discouraged; we all have to start somewhere, right? :)

 

 

 

 

That's good to hear; it sounds like you have more maturity than some older writers do, in that case. Some don't take well to critique. ^^;

You'll definitely hear more from me, and no worries; if you read my story, great! If you're unable to, I understand. :) Life is busy all around, lol.

Take care!

-Shannon-

Thank you very much! I'm glad that I've managed to catch your attention with the Prologue, alone.

If there's anything you feel I can expand upon, please feel free to let me know. I'm eager for any advice that will help me improve as a writer. ^_^

 

Thanks again!

-Shannon-

At the start of the chapter when you put, "She and Samantha", it's probably best to put, "Janelle and Samantha", since it is the opening sentence of the chapter (and to prevent readers from being confused, if they weren't able to read the chapters back-to-back.)

The pacing is still a bit off in this chapter, a little too quick at certain points; the environment could do with a little more detail, but both of these are pretty minor fixes, so it shouldn't pose too much of a problem.

My intention isn't to discourage you, so I hope I haven't been; I'm just trying to help, if I can. Otherwise, I really do like the concept of this story, and I'm eager to start the next chapter, and see just what is happening to Carey. :)

 

There's one point where you seemed to have gone from Carey's POV, to Wesley's, when he was noticing her eyes, so much like his own; since the first part of the chapter is from Carey's POV, it's safe to assume she wouldn't know what Wes was taking notice of. Just a little tip.

The pacing also seems a bit off, like things are being dealt with too quickly, such as the dialogue between Carey and her brother, and the dialogue between Janelle and Samantha.

Overall though, I think the premise behind your story is interesting, and holds a good deal of promise. :) I'm curious to see how things pan out for Carey's youngest brother, and to see how Janelle's quest for revenge turns out.

No worries, I'm glad I could be of some help. ^_^

I looks forward to reading more.

 

Really, really loved this chapter. Everan's emotional state in regards to Pilori is very relatable, but so too is Kamile's willingness to forgive and forget.

I particularly like the part where Marli is explaining to Kayle about the moon, the stars, the world of the gods, and phoenixes! Gods, I love phoenixes, but you put a fresh, bright new twist on their rebirth process, which is always nice to see (since there really isn't much covered on them in mythology to begin with).

I really do hope to see your story published; it's a very enjoyable read, and I can't imagine it needing too much fixing beforehand. Excellent, excellent work. :)

 

 

Very beautifully written; I love the attention to detail on the merpeople's appearances, both before and after their transformation, as well as the purpose of the magical bracelets they possess. Very cool, indeed. :)

I also really like how some of their legends parallel our own, yet different; different names for civilizations and people, different twists for how things came about, etc. In doing this, you have made their world both relatable to the reader, yet refreshing.

I really like Italis; whether things get better or worse for the twins, I feel he's a trustworthy character who means them well.

Oh, before I forget--I also love your description of the world tree, and the crescent-shaped cliff it holds together with its roots; I could picture it all so clearly, the water falling off of the edge, the roots that form pathways. ^^ Keep up the amazing work!

Hello, Catherine!

You're very welcome! Don't worry, I'll review each and every chapter, and I will be completely honest with every one of them. :)

I wish you all the best in getting published; when the day comes, I will gladly add Ametris to my bookshelf. ^_^

Take care!

-Shannon-

Beautifully done; the story is unfolding nicely, as are the characters. Even with so much being said of Marli's past, there's still a lot left unsaid, which leaves me craving more. It makes me very curious to see why she led such a hard life, why she had to do the things that she did back in her city.

 

You convey character's emotions quite well, such as the conversation between Marli and Carn; the dialogue was excellent, as always, and as far as I can see, your prose is flawless. ^_^ So, there might be a budding romance there too, I see. I'm interested to see how this plays out.

This was a really good look at the dynamic relationship between Kamile and Everan, showing just how deep their bonds go, between being twins, and the sad life they've led.

I also like how you described Dwarves as being quite different than what most people imagine them as; it's a refreshing twist. :)

You did an excellent job conveying Everan's grief and anger, over his and Kamile's adoptive mother leaving them; you also did excellently with Marli, explaining to him the honour of true family comes from more than just being bound by blood, alone. It's something I agree with, wholeheartedly.

I came across another error: "following the little tug in his mind that told her where, and how far away, Kamilé was."

Nothing major, of course; it happens to everyone. :)

All in all, a beautifully done chapter; my heart aches for the twins, but it's good to see that, despite how vehement he was about it when Marli suggested it, Everan is willing to give Kamile some leeway in the decision-making process. I wonder if Pilori really does have a good reason?

Anyway, excellent work. ^^

 

 

Found one minor error; looks like two different ways of phrasing one of your sentences wanted to come out at once. You put, "I thought you Ametrisans didn't have believe in royalty." Just thought I'd let you know, so you could fix it. ^^

 

As to the content of the chapter itself? Thoroughly enjoyable, well-paced, and well-written dialogue. :) I'm eager to learn more about who Marli is, where she came from, and to see how all of the main characters develop, as the story progresses.

 

 

Hello, again!

I came across one typo: you put "principal",  instead of "principle", toward the beginning of the chapter.

I love all of the little details you put in; for instance, how you put in when Kamile  has a nightmare and Everan is awake, he's able to actually see what she's dreaming about. It was a nice touch. :)

I can sympathize with Everan's feelings, about sheltering Kamile while at the same time knowing she needs to grow up and learn the truth. Of course, he leans a lot more toward the former, which makes him out to be a little too over-protective of his sister...but then again, it's more than just to protect her, isn't it? He's afraid of being abandoned, when all is said and done. I feel bad for him, really--but, not unlike his sister, he needs to face facts, too.

Good prose, well done on environment, as well as dialogue. Looking forward to reading more. ^_^

 

Beautifully done; this was very richly detailed in the history of Ametris, and read very fluidly. I guess it is safe to assume that the twins know that Marli knows them for what they are, judging by Everan's silent appeal to keep their secret.

Hmm...she almost said something other than Ametris at one point; great job on hooking your readers further; you give us just enough to keep us wanting more. :)

Until next time,

-Shannon-

This was fantastic! You opened it with action, right off the hop, instantly hooking me into reading on. From the moment she's running in the woods, to the chapter's end, I haven't stopped trying to figure out just who Marli is, and where she comes from--or perhaps, when?

The flow of your writing is superb; there isn't a single fault I can find with it. Your characters are intriguing, and the plot has my full interest.

Exceptional work, by far. :)

Hello, there! ^_^

I've just started reading your book, "Ametris", and I must say, you're an incredibly gifted writer. I'll be sure to review each chapter as I finish it. One day I hope to see your work published; your world and your characters are very imaginative. :)

All the best!

-Shannon-