Sparkatale

After reading this chapter I'm... very confused. :D
 

I get the feeling that the characters are teleporting around just like in the first chapter. I'm not sure why, but your choice of wording makes it very hard for me to understand what is actually going on. Again, you have good description, but it's still really hard for me to picture the scene.

The emotions were a little drier here than in the first chapter, and the creature that you described was confusing. I thought it was a knife they found in her uncle? And then out of nowhere it's a creature? Or perhaps I read that wrong. I must have read that wrong.

I think you should spread your character descriptions out more instead of telling us everything about a character in one paragraph all at once, and also instead of telling us their personalities you should show it through their dialogue and actions.

I am intrigued by Tommy and Ana, who seem to know something Dani doesn't. It's an interesting bit of information that makes me want to keep reading to figure out just what they had meant.

Aw thank you so much. :) While it's not without its flaws, I did work very hard on it so I'm glad that you've enjoyed it. It gives me the inspiration to continue writing!

I found a typo in the beginning so I thought I'd point it out: "her heart pumped fast as forced herself to breathe calmly."

 

And this one: "was an other adventurer"

And: "clinging to Anna’s check"

And: "his eyes lashes"

That said, I really like some of your descriptions. I particularly liked your description of the stalagmite because it was a pretty good picture you created in my head. As for the descriptions of the characters, they were a bit lengthy (not to the point where I wanted to smash my head into a rock but I feel like they could have been more spread out throughout the chapter). I myself am guilty of making my descriptions a bit too lengthy at times and I'm trying to learn how to curb that habit. When you hit the reader with too much information all at once, it confuses them. In my case, it actually made it harder for me to imagine the scene.

The positions of the characters confused me the most. I didn't know who was standing where and who was doing what. I was under the impression, for example, that Tommy was laying on... a rock... right? I'm not even sure. But then she said his hand was on her shoulder holding her back?

You did a very good job with the emotions here, I have no complaints in that area. Your choice of words was also perfect- it's a gift that I myself do not possess, so I commend you on your use of creative descriptive words.

Your characters were real and believable, and I could sympathize with them. I also like how you started the story in an intense scene, and you ended it with an intriguing end that makes you want to know more about Dani.

 

Thank you! I'm really glad you love Lilith as much as I do and that you continue to be interested in the story. I'm warning you that this story is dark so whatever comedic relief you encounter will be rare- enjoy it while you can... because this has only just begun, and there won't be room for laughs later >:)

Mwuahahahahahaha.

That said, thank you for your reviews. :) I appreciate them, and it helps me see that I'm heading in a good direction.

I just like helping other writers to be honest. I can't read someone's story once and never come back to it again, because I like to keep up with it and see where it gets better or worse. Plus I do genuinely have an interest in the storylines and plots that I read. And you know... I'm bossy and like to speak my opinion so this is an excellent way to do that and get away with it. ;D

Oh believe me... Lilith and Ben both have their quirks... but those are revealed as the story progresses. At this point in the story, Lilith is going through depression, so her feelings are actually exactly as described. She feels numb and hollow, so if you feel like there aren't enough emotions here... it's actually supposed to be that way. I promise you though that it doesn't stay that way in future chapters.

Could this apparent lack of emotion and character-depth deter some readers? Perhaps, but all I can say is she's meant to be this way, and she becomes much more likable later.

It's ironic that you mention the lack of cliffhangers because these first two chapters are really the only two that don't have a tiny hook or twist at the end. You are right about keeping the interest alive though- I do want people to keep reading. I may tweak this in the future.

Thank you. :) Ah yes I've been working hard at eliminating the awkward phrases. It seems there's always one or two left that I can't find... ugh. Pesky things.

Maybe I could expand a little bit on the feelings, but since the first chapter is already so angsty, I feel like it would be overkill to try to get super into it, especially since the overall tone of the story is going to be dark. I don't want to drown the readers in Lilith's sob story because she's already un-likable enough in the beginning. :D

Ah, I'm sorry it's hard for you to get into first person, present tense. For me it's actually the easiest way to write, and the most fun to read. But I suppose that's why we all have our own style. :)

I'm glad you found the opening to be attention grabbing. I reworded that paragraph several times since its original draft to get it to work that way. Thanks again!

If you don't intend to add the plot until later, it's not too hard of a fix. Like I said before, tweak the execution and add in things like dialogue (I know you said you didn't want that- but keep in mind that it doesn't have to be the main character's dialogue. She can overhear someone else's conversations). Adding more details and expanding on the emotions will make the chapter a lot more fun to read, and people will forget that the plot hasn't even started yet. As a matter of fact, half of the information you put in chapter one could actually be revealed in THIS chapter. That way you have more to work with, and you can lengthen it a bit.

I wouldn't warn the readers that the plot doesn't come up until chapter three... it makes them pre-judge your writing and they'll start to get impatient. Instead, make them think THIS is the plot, so they'll be caught off guard when the real story kicks in. :)

I'm so glad to hear you'll be adding that. I would look forward to reading it. :) The chapter won't be overwhelming as long as you cut out the "information dump" and find other creative ways to add it in. Believe me, a good story is in there somewhere, it's just the execution. But I think you'll get it. :D

Oh my... did you know that my next book was going to be a very similar story to this one? Holy crap... now everyone is going to think I was copying you! :D

One thing that stood out to me (it's petty and really insignificant) is the fact that you said his friend roots for the Eagles. Perhaps it's because I'm from an area that supports them, but I'm pretty sure people in NYC root for the Giants not the Eagles. I'm not a huge football fan or anything, but the rivalry is pretty huge so it's just strange how you described them as being in NYC and liking the Eagles. I could, however, be completely wrong. Like I said... I'm not a football fan.

I like how this story is developing, however I would like to see some of the less necessary scenes cut out or shortened. If it's not absolutely necessary to the story then it shouldn't be there. For the most part you don't digress too much, but you don't have to tell us every part of the day. Skip to bits and pieces of it that are interesting, the highlights.

I can say: I followed a white rabbit into a hole and landed in Wonderland.   --  Or I can say: I woke up this morning, went to school, took my art class, said hi to my friend, ate some lunch... oh, and I followed a white rabbit into a hole and landed in Wonderland.  --  The first one is fine the way it is. Taking away the extra info doesn't affect anything. :D

As always though, great job!

Haha likewise no worries. :D I have actually taken a small break on writing it in order to go back and edit a few things, so you're not too far behind. 

There's no reason to leave your story. You have a likable character and a pretty clear plot, and we're always left wondering: what's going to become of poor Percy. I love it, honestly. :)

One thing I wanted to say about this chapter is that you switch between POV's quite randomly. It's hard to follow and gets confusing. Perhaps you can do something to indicate a switch in POV like make a space or put a line? That would make it easier to keep track of.

I didn't quite understand what happened with the whole dream/not-dream thing and Arwen suddenly disappearing and all that... I feel like it could have been explained better.

Is that a cliffhanger at the end? Hm... I don't trust Nimueh. :D As you have probably guessed by now, I have no knowledge of these characters outside of this story so I don't know their legends and who they are. I may be more confused than most readers.

Hmmm... who is this mysterious Hannah person? Part of me wants to like her and think she's just being friendly, but I feel like this could be yet another trap for poor Percy. And yet, she DID attack Jessica...

Hmmmmmmmmm. This plot thickens. I see, I see.

I'm so sorry I didn't get back to this sooner. I haven't had a lot of time, but as promised I've returned with another review. If it seems kind of short, it means I was pleased. :D I don't have any immediate criticism to offer unless I want to get nit-picky. Nice job on this chapter!

 

One thing that's really bothering (and confusing) me is the similarity between Kere's and Kirio's names. Not only do both names start with a K, they both also have the "r" as well and it seems like you're going to have a lot of scenes with them together. I'd think about changing one of the names to make it less confusing. Like Tami and Tamil... that should probably be explained too, because it's implied they're not the same wolf but never really said outright. - "Kere motioned with his tail that Kere should follow" - Look even YOU got confused here, lol.

This is just me nitpicking, but when you say "lead weights" - wolves don't really know what those are. Maybe a different comparison could be used here? Maybe use a boulder. That's also heavy, but it comes from the world that the wolves live in.

Where did Kirio take Kere? It reminds me of the Moonpool from the Warriors series, which I'm assuming you've read because it's pretty hard to get into writing stories like these if you don't know that series. :D

Overall, I feel like this just needs to move slower that's all. It needs more vivid description, and more emotions. It needs more showing than telling as well.

 

"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis" is one of my favorite words too. :D However, let me point out that it's actually not a word that a doctor would use, since it's a made up word and not actually scientific. The REAL term for that lung disease is Silicosis. If you want Kelly to be more believable, I'd stick to an actual scientific word she could define. Perhaps a strange kind of phobia? Like Amathophobia- a fear of dust.

I found more spelling and grammar errors in this chapter than the last. It's still not an awful lot, but I'd proofread these because it takes the professionalism out of the story. "Granted I was in a mental institution for five years, but rationalizing that I’d lived outside of it for thirteen." This sentence is another example of a fragment with strange wording, but there were other times where you also needed and apostrophe or you made a compound word into two separate words, ect. 

At least this chapter had a (sort of) story to it. I feel like it happened too fast and it was too short. Again, I would have liked dialogue, especially since it seems this character is going to be important so he needs to be characterized more for our first impression of him. As for the main character... did anyone ever mention her name? I don't believe I've seen it anywhere. By chapter two she should have one. It makes it even harder to connect with her without one.

The beginning of the chapter was a lot like chapter one- just more information, and nothing happening. The biggest thing here that I would focus on is structure- establishing a beginning, middle, and end and getting rid of all extra information. After that comes the second biggest thing: execution. Show, don't tell. Lastly, work on the little grammatical and spelling mistakes to tighten up your writing. Once that's all been taken care of, your story will be more solid.

Adding onto my comment for chapter one now that I have more time:

One part I enjoyed was when you described the kinds of thoughts that the other criminally insane inpatients had. Again, though, this would have been much better if it had been shown, not told. For example, instead of saying: "Sometimes he dreamt about drinking the blood from his victims." You could instead have it interrupt the narration out of nowhere, and give her thoughts like: "I found myself craving the taste of blood, and out of nowhere it began to turn into an overwhelming desire. One voice in my head called out to me above all the rest. I recognized it as Blake, our resident psychopath." That's not a very good example but you catch my drift.

Overall I just feel like this chapter needs an actual story. It has no beginning, middle or end. It's just a page of information that leaves a lot of loose ends and doesn't really tie together very well. I'd also like to see dialogue. You could have easily turned this chapter into the session Kelly had with the character and you could have revealed all of that info through actions, words and thoughts as their conversation progresses.

Oh I wasn't expecting you to read everything all at once. :D Take your time with it and read what you feel like reading. I want an opinion on the story, but if you don't feel hooked also let me know. The last thing I want is for someone to be forced to read through everything.

I was in the doctor's office while reading this so let me just say... I had no trouble picturing the setting... :D

My initial reaction to this is that the author notes in the beginning may be a bit unnecessary. I feel like they would be better suited to the end. It's hard enough to get someone interested on clicking on the story to read it. You don't want to spoil that hook by slapping the reader in the face with a note instead of letting them get straight to the story. That said, the information provided is useful information to your followers. But like I said, better to leave it at the end.

It worries me that you say the plot of the story doesn't surface in the first two chapters... plus, you don't provide an adequate summary for the story in the book details. That's going to seriously interfere with the amount of interest you can get from potential readers. You have to give them a good enough summary that they'll be willing to invest in the first couple of chapters just to get to that plot. As of now, I don't feel invested in anything.

Now, onto the actual story...

You have a good opening line, and the following paragraph continues to provide a great hook. You do have one awkward sentence here however: "Filled with thoughts of people in pain, dealing with the constant cruelties of their everyday life, and I hear it all." - I believe this is a fragment. In any case, it could be worded better. I see this sprinkled throughout the rest of your writing as well. Nothing serious, but enough to obscure the meaning of some sentences.

After the "hook" it starts to get ADHD. There are thoughts all over the place. This is all information that the reader needs to know... but I feel like you're hitting me with too much all at once, and even one paragraph alone has a lot in it to digest. Also, because of this "information dump" as it is often called, you lose any tension or build-up in the beginning of the chapter. It doesn't really have momentum. Instead, I have no idea what direction it's heading in.

You do a lot of telling rather than showing. I would have liked to feel like I was in her shoes rather than watching her and trying to process the information I was reading. Sometimes your wording was redundant as well (ex. The other four were a milder version of Fred. Irrational fears of arachnids and even aluminum foil. They weren’t as funny as Fred. // I told her not to tell anyone, that I shouldn’t have even told her, but she insisted she tell someone that I wasn’t crazy. It was nice having someone believe I wasn’t crazy.).

This review sounds harsh... but there are positive things as well. Unfortunately I don't have a lot of time (I started to write this review having plenty of time and now something urgent has come up so I have to leave it halfway for now...). I'll return to finish though, and to read your other chapter as well.

 

*Correction: I said the chapter was under 600 words but now that I look at it it's just a little above 600. This doesn't change what I was saying about the length earlier, but I felt like I should correct myself.

As always, I'm so glad you liked it. :) I really hope I continue to amuse you and everyone else as I continue writing.

I won't be releasing a new chapter until the others are edited for mistakes... but I want everyone to know that the story WILL be continuing. Take this as an intermission... before the REAL fun begins... >:)

 

I think this story has potential to be interesting, but there are a few things I'd like to point out:

A few quick things to keep in mind: A character's thoughts don't go in "quotations". Italicizing them is enough- quotations are for dialogue. Each character should get their own line of dialogue- don't put the words of two or more characters in one paragraph- always start a new one for each character. This could use a little bit of proofreading, since it has a few little mistakes here and there (for example it says waking instead of walking somewhere in the beginning).

From reading the story summary, it seems like it can be an interesting story, but it needs WAY more details. This first chapter is under 600 words and, while a story doesn't necessarily have to be long to be good, the amount of things happening in this chapter require MUCH more information (I'd say at least somewhere between 1000-2000 words). I have a pretty vivid imagination, but even I had a hard time creating the scene that you were writing in my head. We need sensory details and perhaps more dialogue.

Also, showing something happening rather than telling it is a very effective way of catching your reader's interest and getting them involved in the story. For example instead of saying "They caught the creature." Explain HOW they caught it (especially since this is the climax of the chapter you really want to use this here more than anywhere else).

Lastly, I was reading your story summary and I think that it would be a good idea to shorten it more to catch peoples' interest faster. It shouldn't be written like the back of a printed book, which is the vibe yours is giving me. Instead, it should be a very brief summary (really just a few sentences) about the main plot of the story. In my opinion it should start at the part that says "Amber Robson...." and end in the part that says "...era of the dinosaurs." You see, on the internet people have a lot less patience. It's not like reading a piece of paper (I believe this is actually scientifically proven). Therefore, you have to get to the point a LOT quicker or you're not going to get views.

I hope I was able to help. :)

I like how the character drifts in and out of sleep between someone finding her and taking her to this hospital. I would get rid of the lines that separate the first dream from reality because you don't follow the same pattern after the second dream and it  just makes it inconsistent. The paragraphs seem to be very close together, making them hard to tell apart from each other. I suggest defining them more (perhaps indenting them and setting the alignment of the text to "justify" because that normally seems to help). I hope we get to find out what happened to her that makes her end up in the hospital, and I like the character development that the dreams offer, because we can get into her head. I believe at the very end you switched the tenses, so just look out for that (although you didn't do it often) and occasionally you use some awkward wordings, but it's nothing that a quick proofread can't fix. Judging by the story details there's going to be quite a lot going on here. I'll be interested in reading more. :)

One thing I noticed about this chapter is that you said the name Alex a lot. Try switching it out with other words more often, because it becomes very repetitive.

Also, I was confused when Elizabeth was introduced. In the first sentence that you introduce her I didn't even see the part where you said there was a young woman in the room, which made me had to go back and read again. I think you should elaborate on that more and give me a more lasting first impression.

Overall I felt that the second half of the chapter was a bit rushed. I would have liked to see more details given, especially in the conversation between Elizabeth and Alex, since I thought it would have been amusing.

I like how you give away some information here though, like where rogue dragons come from, and how a rider becomes a rider. This chapter also needs some proofreading, but you still have me hooked. :)

I didn't quite understand Anira's conversation with Brice, particularly this line: "Did I just speak in baby language from so long then?"

But aside from that, cute chapter. It needs to be edited for mistakes, but I like how you are developing the relationship between Anira and Brice.

Turns out I did have some time today to read this. Yay. :)

Okay, so the first chapter is well written. The pacing is fine and so is the layout of the basic plot. There were a few grammatical errors and typos here and there, but a quick proof-reading should eliminate those. I only have two "complaints" if they can even be called that, because it's nothing major. The first is that you don't really describe the characters all that much, and when you do, the only detail you give is the age. You DID give other details in some places and that was perfect, but especially in the beginning it gets a little bit repetitive when every sentence is: "The eighteen year old said..." "The sixteen year old said..." "The twenty year old said..." I think it would be better to show us their age rather than tell it, and you don't exactly have to reveal the ages of all of the characters all at once. My second "complaint" is that there are a lot of characters, and they're all being introduced to me all at once. It makes it hard to keep track of them. Personally, I like to reveal characters one or two at a time so that you can focus on their individual development before adding more, but that's my preference. In this case you need all of the characters to be there in the scene, so I suggest dedicating one or two paragraphs to briefly go over who is who and give them each some unique quality (I say briefly because you can't describe EVERY character in intense detail or else that would be very long and boring). Overall though, I enjoyed the read. So I'm assuming she's some sort of vigilante? Reminds me of Batman... or Catwoman... :D

Aaaah ok I was confused because I thought the pup's name was Tami without the "l" at the end.

There's only one thing that I can complain about, and that's the lack of detail. I know that it's a short story, and that it's made up by a child, but to the reader it sounds a bit impersonal and it's hard to get into because I didn't quite feel immersed into the story. For example you described Maxwell as "looking evil". That could have been expanded into a more detailed explanation. But other than that, it's very cute and once again reminds me of Toy Story.

Wait, I thought Tamil had died?

Aww poor Fila. I feel so bad for her. I can't believe her siblings just killed her like that. o.o

I would do a quick proofread of this chapter also, because it wasn't bad but there were just a few little spelling mistakes here and there. I don't know where to find them if I go back to try and point them out- there weren't that many.

Poor Kere. It's always the runt of the litter that has the greatest destiny. XD

OMG HE CALLED ANIRA A TIGRESS BAHAHAHAHA. Sorry, I know this had nothing to do with me when you wrote it but I still got excited when I saw my name. 

I don't trust Brice... and it's not exactly because of this chapter. It's because of what I read in the preview of the next chapter, lol. He's so cocky, I would have punched him in Anira's place. Poor baby she's so innocent.

Again, I actually don't have the attention span this time around to get to the grammar and spelling errors (although they are noticeably getting better!) but I enjoyed this chapter and I love seeing the interactions among the characters.

Aww I love Amelia, she's so cute. ^^ Nice action in this chapter, even though it wasn't much, it was well done and I liked the interesting explanation on rogue dragons. I also thought it was interesting that dragons and their riders form a bond like that. Nice.

I found a few mistakes but nothing too serious, but since I'm actually in a little bit of a hurry right now I'll show them to you at a later time.

Woah good cliffhanger! Again, I feel bad for Percy. No one understands him, and the way he is treated is very realistic. People that deal with any kind of issues, whether they are mental or emotional, are often misunderstood and labeled as lost causes. His friend (was his name Derek? I forgot...dangit...) seems like a cool guy, just what Percy needs, although of course he seems to be a bit misguided. I want to know who this Henry guy is... fingers crossed for Percy. o.o

I just found one particular typo that bothered me: "I opened by book," (I bolded the obvious typo, no explanation needed)

I'm glad that I was able to help. :) And sweet, you certainly DID do an incredible job at making me feel things for a character I barely know. For someone like me, that's hard to achieve, since I'm pretty heartless lol. Oh yes take your time with my story as well. There are so many things to read, write, and review that I don't expect people to be able to come back right away. I'm going to read your chapter 5 now.

I have to say I like some of the humor I see in this, like Merlin's problem with the chicken poop, and when he thought of Arwen getting married to a king and said "there are fairer maidens to be had". Lol. I like Merlin a lot more now than I did in the first chapter, and I think your writing improves every time. :) The plot is moving quickly, but not too quickly, and I like that. Each chapter has something significant in it so far. Oh and I also really like Arwen. The interactions between the two, however, are what really amuse me.

Ok interesting... so she lives in another world than Dylan then? And in his dream he somehow manages to go into her world? And she seems to live in a fairytale-like land. The writing style here reminds me a lot of your other story with Merlin, as well as the choice in wording. You did a good job at describing the world, but the events were a little bit confusing to follow, particularly right after she speaks to the "drunk old man". Suddenly right after that she's going outside or something and it threw me off a little bit. I thought for a moment that she was running away from home to meet the guy the "drunk old man" had told her about. Also, I would have liked it if you would have had actual dialogue instead of just telling us what happened, but I guess you didn't want the chapter to be so long either.

So far the plot is engaging and I'm going to keep reading. :) I want to see what happens now that these two have met.

There were just two typos that I found:

1) "Why can you not be happy for me? I have only pursued my dreams, just as you always to me to!" - Also you forgot punctuation in front of "Why" signaling that it's dialogue. XD

2) "being a one with the world"

The paragraphs seem to be spaced unevenly. Some of them have more space between them than others. Not sure if this was intentional? But it makes it look a bit sloppy, so I'd make it more consistent.

Oh and sorry if it takes me so long to review. I have a long list of people that I have to get around to, so it sometimes takes me weeks before I make one complete round. Love ya! :D

I'm sorry if I came off as mean-spirited but I have to disagree with you. That wasn't my intention at all. I did say positive things about the story as well, I just wanted to help. And it took me a very long time to write that review because I wanted to make sure it was as helpful and accurate as possible. I love Emi, she's never wronged me before. If it seems like I "tore up" her work it's because I did. I do that for everyone, not just her. :)

I didn't know that people from Canada wrote differently when it came to dialogue, nor have I ever read anything that supports what you said (I agree with you though, I think you're right. If you have proof, which you do, I'll believe it). It's just in all of my personal experience I wasn't aware of this. And actually no it wasn't obvious to me that she was Canadian but that's beside the point. I'm not writing this to argue, I'm just writing it to apologize and admit that I may have been wrong there.

As for everything else, I'm not taking it back. :D

I myself start sentences with And and other words like it. That's not what I was referring to. What I meant was that it's not the beginning of the sentence. It was a dialogue that was started, then interrupted by narrative, then continued. 

I knew his mother had died. I just didn't think the sentence itself was very clear. That's the sentence that was supposed to describe how she died, and I didn't understand it. It's fine if you did, but I didn't.

I looked up the definition of ailed before I wrote about it just to make sure I wasn't completely making something up. When I first read it it just seemed off to me so I decided to research it, so I still think it's the wrong wording.

Again, I'm glad you understood something that I didn't. That doesn't change the fact that I didn't. XD

The expression "gulped loudly" to me seemed to stand out. I didn't like the wording, and I didn't mean to say that it was a failed attempt at humor. What she wrote, I believe, wasn't an attempt at humor at all. She wrote: "Merlin gulped loudly, comically so!" - In the context of what I was reading, I failed to see how it was "comically so". I just didn't understand. She doesn't have to listen to that advice either, if she doesn't want. It was just something I found to be out of place.

I also looked up the definition of minx when I wrote about it, and writing style is one thing, but using the right words is another thing. Again, she can keep it how she wants, but I don't think it's the right word.

No need to come to the rescue. I wasn't attacking her. I don't believe in destroying other writers and crushing their hopes and dreams. I just want to be as honest as possible and tell someone when I think something is wrong. People have done it to me as well and I actually appreciate it. If the author herself feels like she's being attacked she can say the word and I'll hold back. I may not come across as "nice" to those who don't know me, but I'm no bully.

Anyway, I didn't post this to argue or anything like that. This isn't the place for it. I just didn't want anyone to think that I'm mean-spirited. Again, I apologize for sounding mean but it wasn't meant to be mean.

Wow! I really enjoyed reading this, and it made me so sad. I like the way the character allows other peoples' misfortunes to give him anxiety and that makes it impossible to escape his worries. The ending is very good as well, because it ends in a bit of a cliffhanger when the boy contemplates his death and realizes that it would be the end of his worries. Very well done. I also like how you gave the anxieties a voice of their own, as if it's another character entirely speaking to him in his mind.

Just a few things I saw that were mistakes:

1) "The boys heart jumps" - boys should be "boy's"

2) "any ways" should be "anyway"

3) "That might be you if your not careful" - "your" should be "you're"

Ah! I see. In that case it's very hard for me to understand some of the things that I read, but given that it's a sort of preview I won't complain about it. I still like the idea of it. Maybe I'm just tired right now- perhaps if I read it with a fresh mind tomorrow I'll understand more. If you're going to write a novel, I look forward to it. :)

Interesting... I have no idea what's going on, but it was interesting nonetheless! This reminds me of Toy Story. I mean, they are toys after all. Of course I'm left with a lot of questions but I have a feeling that those will (hopefully) be answered later. The story is better than I thought it would be. I was very pleasantly surprised. :) I'll keep reading more later, in my free time.

Oooh I like your introduction. This is written very well and aside from some very minor spelling errors that I've already forgotten about it has no mistakes that I can complain of. It does tend to drag on a little bit around the middle, but not because your details are excessive- your details are perfect- it's just that a few times it seemed to lose focus, but only for a few seconds before returning to the story. Anyway, I enjoy it and I really hope you're going to continue writing this because I'll read more. :)

Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it, and I'm glad that you liked the descriptions. Oh yeah and it's her mother that went missing. :)

Well whatever you decide to do with it, I'll be here to help if you ever need it in the future. :)

I'm glad I could help... don't give up on writing it though!! It just needs a fresh start that's all. I've had to write a lot of my stories from scratch all over again because they just didn't come out good. It's just part of being a writer. I will definitely read it if you give it another shot because I think it has potential to be a pretty good mystery story once the blanks are filled in. :)

First off, I have to say that I absolutely love wolves, and any story where wolves are the main characters is automatically one that I love!

There is really nothing for me to complain about after reading this first chapter. It definitely has a hook, and I love the names and personalities that you gave to the wolves. The storyline is so far intriguing, and woah that cliffhanger at the end!

I feel bad for not having much to say, but the truth is that there wasn't much to critique. I enjoyed the first chapter and didn't find any flaws worth mentioning, so I will continue reading in the future for sure!

I was going to individually point out each mistake, but I think I'll just rewrite the paragraphs with the correct grammar and punctuation so that you can see the differences. That might be easier. The stuff in bold is the stuff that I corrected.

1) As I watch my dad drive away I start to cry tears that I haven't been able to cry for days. Why do they decide to come now? I don't have a clue. But there is one thing I do know, and that is that I will be living with my friend Matt from now on. His dad is okay with it, my dad is leaving without me and doesn't care, and my mom is nowhere to be seen. Why had Matt offered for me to live with him? I don't have a clue. My friends say that he likes me but I wouldn't know. I've never had someone like me before and if they have I never knew about it. I can be kind of clueless for things like that.

2) I just stand here crying like an idiot in the front yard. My neighbor is watching through her window but trying not to be noticed. She does it all the time so none of us can figure out why she tries to hide. After a few minutes, I stop crying and head back inside. I already have all of my stuff at Matt's house. It's my house now too, I guess. Matt said he would be here in a few minutes so I go up to my room. All I want right now was to be alone.

3) It's bad enough that my mom had to leave me and now him. It's quite unbearable to lose both parents.

4) I gag, pull my shirt up, and start to breathe through it.

5) I chance looking around the corner to see who is doing this and to my surprise it is a guy in a ski mask that looks a lot like the guy that gave me a threatening note before I had ended up in a coma. The note had said: You will die a horrible death. D.B. That was months ago. (start new paragraph)

Slowly he turns around and I gasp because I know he has seen me. Without thinking I turn around and run upstairs. It's such a bad choice I realize after the guy follows me. (start new paragraph)

"Crap," I mumble under my breath. I dash into my room, close and lock the door, and I pull out my phone to call Matt.

6) I gasp and pull my shirt off and cover my mouth and nose. I then start to breathe through my shirt. Next, I walk over to my window and look out. There is a tree right outside. Maybe I can jump over to it, I think to myself.

There's more but I'll get to the rest of it later. I currently don't have a lot of time, but I hope this can help! :)

Oh I wanted to apologize real quickly about reading the wrong story- you asked for a review on the other one! My bad, but anyway now that I'm here I'm going to continue with my next comment.

Ok, I have quite a few things to say about this that may help you.

First of all, you posted this chapter twice by mistake (read chapter 1 all the way to the end and you'll see what I'm talking about). 

This chapter is really long for chapter one. The beginning of a story is supposed to capture the interest of the reader. If too much is going on then the reader gets impatient because the chapter seems to never end. If there isn't enough going on then the reader just gets bored. I think you could have broken this chapter up into two separate chapters. You could start chapter two where she leaves with Matt.

One of the biggest things I noticed was that the reactions of the characters to the events are quite unrealistic. You had a lot of nice action here and you could have capitalized on it by making your writing more emotional, more intense. If you want to write a good story, it's not just about what happens, it's about how you write it.

The following list highlights the areas where you should change the reactions of the characters or perhaps add more details: 

1) When she finds a strange man in her house her only reaction is "oh crap". I'm pretty sure that if I had received a death threat earlier and now find a strange man in my house about to set it on fire my reaction is going to be a lot bigger than "oh crap". You can make this better by adding to the sensory detail. Is she shaking? Is she nervous? Is her heart pounding in her chest? Can she hear the creaky footsteps of the man as he goes up the stairs to follow her? That sort of thing is what makes writing good.

2) I'm not sure if your character is intended to be smart or not, but if intelligence is one of her characteristics, then she is NOT going to run upstairs and lock herself in her room when someone is about to light the house on fire, lol. I mean that's just common sense.

3) Matt's reaction on the phone is rather emotionless. How would you react if someone you loved called you right now and told you that a psycho was in their house about to set it on fire? The way it was written it sounds like he's more annoyed than anything else. I don't feel the terror, the surprise.

4) One thing that I missed earlier is that your character mentions that she received the death note when she was in a coma. WHAT? Woah stop right there- why was she in a coma? For how long? You need to explain those things. It's not just something you can randomly mention in the middle of a flashback / explanation of her past. Please elaborate on this. It would be cool if you actually wrote it like a flashback where she mentally goes back in time and envisions herself in the hospital or wherever she was, looking down at that note. Describe the note- what paper was it on? Was it written in messy handwriting? That sort of thing adds to the mystery.

5) Matt keeps guns in his boots? ...Why...?

6) How old is your character? How old is Matt? You mentioned Matt's dad being ok with your character (who's name I still don't know...was it ever mentioned? I don't remember) living with them so that means he's still fairly young. So why does he have guns, why is he using them, and why does he give the main character a gun if he knows she probably won't use it or doesn't know how to?

7) Isn't it like... illegal to shoot people...? I know that its his property but still. Where I live you'd get jailed for even POINTING a gun at someone in your yard.

8) Who's the random guy in Matt's yard and why does he want to kill her? I mean he literally just came out of nowhere and he seems to know who she is... but she doesn't know who HE is? At least describe him a little bit. And again, her reaction to someone pointing a gun at her when she's already scared and has suffered so much mental and emotional trauma is pretty low-key. You need to describe what she's feeling.

9) So... she killed a guy. Without even thinking about it. Even though a few paragraphs earlier she said she couldn't stand guns and she had only had one lesson with them. This is a MAJOR shift in character that either needs to be changed or explained. Also, she said that she learned how to shoot in order to wound someone, not kill them. So why didn't she simply wound him? She was awful quick to just take his life, regardless of what his intentions were.

10) It's always a good idea to call the sheriff right after you murder someone *sarcasm* :)

11) Again, Matt's reaction to finding out that there was a strange guy in his yard that wanted to kill his friend is waaaaay too calm. Not to mention, he is now staring at a bloody dead body. In his yard. And HIS FRIEND who is now LIVING WITH HIM killed him. He needs some kind of reaction like panic, horror, worry, remorse, anger, ect.

12) She says that she couldn't take the taunting anymore. She must have a pretty short fuse because all the guy managed to say before she shot him was one line of dialogue, lol. If you want her to be driven to the point of murder because he's THAT aggravating then you need to give him more lines. Plus, how can she feel so much hatred for a person that she doesn't know? That developed out of nowhere.

So that's my take on the events of the first chapter. I think it has potential to be good but it does need work. I would rewrite it from scratch (keep this one as an outline- don't throw it away!) and make it more emotional, more intense, and make it make more sense. It should be more realistic, and if it's supposed to be that way you need to explain that in the story. I'll gladly re-read and review anything you write from this point onward. I'm always happy to help.

I also noticed quite a few grammatical mistakes. I'll make that a separate comment because this one is rather long already. Here goes...

Actually now that you put it that way I can completely understand the point of the chapter. I didn't think about it that way. And let me just clarify that it wasn't "boring" enough to make me stop reading, it just lacked the "OMG" element that most good stories begin with. This is still a good story. I don't know why but you tend to make characters that I personally find charming, both in this story and in your other one that I reviewed. I'll continue to read this one as well and keep giving you feedback. ^^ Yes, your descriptions CAN be a little bit long-winded at times but I didn't really think that this particular chapter had that issue. Anyway, none of your descriptions that I've read have been so long or pointless that I've felt the need to really point them out, but you are right- you can't please everyone. XD If you changed your style to please every single person it would no longer be your style but someone else's. I personally write primarily for myself, not for other people. If you're not happy with it in the end then there's really no point even if everyone else loves it.

Ok, so I've gotten around to start reading this! Time to review chapter one...

The introduction in the beginning was a good way to start the chapter. I think it was a good hook. I found the rest of the chapter to be kind of boring- not because of the way it was written, but just because nothing happens. For the first chapter, I think it should have a little bit more excitement. I do like how you've described the character though and that we get to learn about his family life. The ending was a good cliffhanger as well. I found a few minor typos here and there but nothing of consequence. The only true complaint I have is actually not with the story itself, but in the summary of the story provided whenever someone hovers over it. When I was newer to Sparkatale this was one of the first stories I saw but I didn't read it because I was annoyed with the summary. Because I was too impatient to read it through to the end, it wasn't until much later that I realized it wasn't complete gibberish. I think that it might be deterring a lot of people from actually reading it.

Omg this chapter is so cute. XD I immediately loved Arwen so much. It was great when she beat Merlin with a broom! Their interactions were very amusing to watch. The only complaint I have for this chapter is that you keep switching quite randomly between Arwen's p.o.v and Arwen's p.o.v. Either do half the chapter Arwen and the other half Merlin, or honestly I'd just do the whole chapter from Arwen's perspective. Other than that this was a very amusing chapter!

I'm sorry it takes me so long to read through the chapters! I finally got around to this one and wow... so much emotion in this.

I feel so bad for Percy. He seriously needs a hug and someone to cuddle him, poor baby. I felt myself getting depressed when he came to the "realization" that no one would ever care for him, and that the invitation to the party was a possible trap. And that nightmare was intense. This was seriously awesome! I want to know what all of those emails are about...

It's meeee again. :) I'm too tired to help with grammar/spelling mistakes right now so this comment wont be a super long one. I'll just comment on the actual plot. I liked this chapter but I feel like it went kind of fast. Their relationship escalated very quickly, but I guess it does make sense when they have an emotional connection. Still, I would have liked Sylvia to be more reserved and wonder why she had a connection with a stranger before finally revealing it to him in a later chapter and THEN they bond. But this is just my opinion because I'm the kind of person that likes to build up to things rather than just have them happen. I can see that this story is long so maybe you didn't have time for all of that. XD Interesting about the mind reading with Arnel and Anira. So Arnel has a connection of some sort with both of these girls... hmmmmm... >:)

I finally found time to continue reading this. :) Great chapter! I think it could have been broken up into two different chapters but that's really just my opinion. I particularly like how you kind of jumped to the past and showed us Renee writing the letter that Alex found. I'm not sure how one is even supposed to do that correctly, because I've never read any story before where it suddenly goes from the present to the past, but it flowed rather well in my opinion. Although, I would have actually made that scene longer and ended the chapter there before giving Barrackson his own chapter and then switching back to Alex and Libra halfway. But again that's just my opinion and you did it rather well.

And as a proud grammar Nazi I will now proceed to point out some of your mistakes:

1) "Silence past between rider and beast" - Wrong form of past/passed. Should be passed. Past refers to the past. Passed refers to something that passed.

2) In a few of the paragraphs both Libra and Alex speak. Give them each their own line or dialogue.

3) "his grandparents cottage" - Should be grandparents' with an apostrophe at the end since it is possessive. In this same paragraph the "is" in "Is that way" should not be capitalized because it's not the beginning of Alex's sentence.

4) Should "Mother Nature" be capitalized? I've never seen it capitalized before, but I'm actually not sure. Just double check that.

5) "They passed away (...) took us in." This whole paragraph is fine, but you had an extra (") somewhere in the middle. Could have been a typo.

6) "loved oneson its mantel" - Typo- just needs a space.

7) "The room was barren and and" - Another typo.

8) "or a hint that Renee might of left" - Should be might have left.

9) "sleep alluded Alex" - To allude to something means to hint to something. It's a similar word to "imply". The word you're looking for is "eluded"

10) "we're trying to find a needle and in a haystack." - I think this was a typo. Get rid of the and.

11) "Libra tail" - Typo, should be Libra's tail.

No problem! I enjoyed reading it!
I have the exact same tendencies when I write so I understand completely how easy it is to get carried away! And when you read your own work so many times you become blind to mistakes, which is why reviews from a fresh pair of eyes are so important.

Ok, so here is my review for this chapter. I'm sorry I couldn't read more! It's late and I have work in the morning, but I will continue to read whenever I get opportunities.

I really like your writing style. It reminds me a lot of mine, although admittedly you are much better at using clever wording than I am. I go for a more simple, to-the-point approach, while your approach is more poetic. This might make it hard for some readers to understand what you're trying to say, although I'm not sure who your target audience is. I personally was able to understand, although I feel like a lot of your sentences were unnecessarily lengthy.

As for the plot, I can't say much since I'm only on chapter one, but your introduction of the character and his personality is very well done. I have a good sense of who Percy is and how he struggles with nightmare disorder. I do feel bad for him, and although he seems to be unlikable in his world I find him to be strangely adorable from my perspective. I can't wait to see how this story develops. :)

Here are a few mistakes that I noticed. It was nothing serious though. I bolded the mistakes in most of them for you to see.

1)  "You will needs your Parent's signatures"

2)  "it took just a number of seconds before the vicinity was emptied, everyone focusing on the next except for me, and my worried Teacher." - Did you mean to capitalize teacher? I don't think that it should be capitalized.

3) "This shouldn't have hurt as much as it should" - This sentence contradicts itself. I'm sure you meant to write "as much as it did".

4) "leaving me all along within it's four walls." - I think you meant to write "alone" and also that's the wrong form of it's/its. It should be its with no apostrophe since it is possessive.

5) "within my laptops screen" - Forgot the apostrophe there.

6) "on various different media networks" - Various and different mean the same thing so use only one of them and get rid of the other.

7) "They used obviously fake E-mail addresses, their IP addresses, however, could not be altered, nor were they hidden made dealing with them easier than I could have possibly imagined." - This whole sentence needs to be rewritten. It's a run-on and a fragment at the same time.

8) You don't need apostrophes/quotes (') when you are typing thoughts that are italicized. Only use quotes (") when speech is being said out loud. The apostrophes (') should really never be used for any kind of speech. At least, I've never seen them used in that way in something professional before.

9) A lot of your sentences are super long with several commas breaking up the sentence. I had this same problem too in my writing in the beginning and I had to go back and break everything up into shorter sentences.

Thank you for your reviews! I appreciate hearing others' thoughts on my characters and plot. Yes Lilith is selfish and overall very flawed and hypocritical. She is meant to be that way. I was really worried that the characters would come off as too sexist because in reality that's really not the point of the story and I'm not sexist myself, however that IS their culture so it has to be there since it's part of their world. Yes your questions will all hopefully be answered as the story goes on. :) Again, thank you so much!

Great first chapter! Plot wise I'm intrigued and I am going to continue reading because I think it's a great story. You got to the point of the story rather well and didn't bog me down with unnecessary details which is a common mistake. I like how you portrayed his relationship with his mother as well. However, on the side of grammar and typos, there are quite a few things I'd like to point out.

1) "Far from in fact, he absolutely abhorred violence." - I think you meant to write "Far from it, in fact.", 2) "Suffice it to say, anyone who dealt with situations using violence, Merlin found to be little more than ogres fresh from their mothers womb." - This is a bit of an awkward sentence. I would reword it this way: "Suffice it to say, anyone who dealt with situations using violence was little more than an ogre fresh from its mother's womb to Merlin.", 3) "His mother always was a dreamer. Looking out to the skies as she would fetch water from the well." - This would work best as one sentence with a comma in between., 4) 'One day, an angel will fall from the heavens,' she would tell him, 'And he will lead you to your destiny, my boy.' - Since this is dialogue it should have these quotations (") instead of just an apostrophe ('). Also "and" should not be capitalized since it is not the beginning of her sentence but merely a continuation of what she was saying before, 5) "One can only imagine, just how devastated he was on that morn', when he found her laying beneath the blue sky with a smile on her face. He had bet she was waiting for an angel." - The commas in the first sentence are unnecessary and actually disturb the flow of the sentence. The second sentence is a little awkward and could be worded differently, more like: She had been waiting on an angel, he bet. Also this paragraph is a bit vague. I'm assuming it meant that his mother died, but there needs to be something else here to make it clearer. Perhaps in the first sentence you could add something like "he found her laying cold and still beneath the blue sky with a smile on her face.", 6) "His simple life becoming, a bit simpler without his beloved mother." - Get rid of the comma, 7) "He wasn't sure if he was relieved, or if he missed them. As they served a reminder of his mother and her theoretic musings." - This should all be one sentence with a comma in between, 8) "Until, that night." - Again with that darn comma. :) It needs to go, 9) "Where the muddy skies laid over head, and a silent rumble could be heard in the distance." - That's not really a full sentence. If you get rid of "Where" it would be a complete sentence. As it is, it's a fragment. Overhead is one word, not two. Also, at the end of this paragraph you used a semicolon (;) instead of a colon (:). It should be a colon. Semicolons are used in place of a comma when you want to merge two related sentences together (I wouldn't even use them at all if you're not familiar with their correct usage as they can be tricky and usually unnecessary anyway)., 10) "the silhouette of three shapely woman could be made out." - There are three women, not one woman., 11) "They bore no clothing, instead vines were tangled about them, and the petals of flowers could barely be seen in their hair." - This is an example of where you could have used a semicolon and it would have worked well. I'd either use a semicolon or a hyphen here- "They bore no clothing; instead vines were tangled about them, and the petals of flowers could barely be seen in their hair.", 12) "Merlin squinted to try to make out who they were, though, even if he saw them, he had a sure feeling he'd not know who they were." - This sentence is pretty long. I think it can either be reworded or made into two sentences. Ex: Merlin squinted to try to make out who they were, though he doubted he'd recognize them anyway. OR Merlin squinted to try to make out who they were. Even if he saw them, though, he had a sure feeling he wouldn't know who they were., 13) Again, every time someone is speaking you need to put quotation marks (") instead of apostrophes ('), 14) "he asked. And he was again taken to thinking back on his mother, who spoke of a higher power, seeking his attention." - Capitalize "he" and merge these two sentences together, putting a comma after "asked", 15) Capitalize the words that come after the dialogue because it's a new sentence every time, 16) The word "hesitance" should be "hesitation", 17) "Merlin tugged on the collar of his tunic, looking everywhere but them." - Should be "everywhere but at them.", And the sentence after that one has a comma that should not be there at the end, 18) You used woman again instead of women right after this paragraph, 19) "The one on the right, had black hair, braided to the side, and down her left shoulder." - Get rid of the comma after "right", 20) "If they weren't ailed by their state of dress (or lack of there of) neither would he be" - The word "ailed" means sickened but in a literal sense. It should only be used to convey the idea that someone is actually sick with an ailment (or disease). Also there cannot be a "lack there of" of their "state of dress". I know what you were trying to say, but it really makes a lot more sense if you just put it in a much simpler way. It should be something like this: "If they weren't affected by their lack of clothing than neither would he.", 21) "Merlin gulped loudly, comically so! He hand't exactly ever had a courageous bone in his body. However in that moment, he felt there was no reason to need be brave. So, he walked forward, stopping to stare down at the lake before him." - I... have no idea what you were trying to say here lol. In the vernacular form of English, here's what my brain was able to translate: "Merlin gulped loudly in a funny way. He had never had a courageous bone in his body. But in that moment he didn't think there was a need to be brave so he walked forward, stopping to stare down at the lake before him." When I think of the word "gulp" I don't really think you can do that loudly, also if you're describing him as cowardly in that moment I would use adjectives like "quietly" and "nervously" ect. I also don't know why it's funny that he "gulped loudly", 22) "he had not sunk into the water. He gaped as he stood, the water rippling beneath his foot." - I'm not entirely sure but I think that this is in the wrong tense. It should be: he did not sink into the water. As for that second sentence, I think it should be "feet" not "foot". Either you meant to write "feet" and it's just a typo, or you actually meant to write "foot", but I got the sense that he was already standing in the water, not just dipping one of his feet in, 23) "they too, were standing upon the lake, just as he." - "he" should be "him" and "as" should be "like", 24) In the sentence after that, "was stood afore them" should be "stood afore them". I personally would change "afore" to "before" also, because you want it to match the rest of your writing and this really stands out in a distracting way, 25) You used the phrase "sneaky little minx" to describe Merlin's mother. Minx means a cunning or flirtatious woman. I don't think Merlin's mother was a cunning or flirtatious woman, and even if she was I don't see how foretelling that Merlin would be led to some great destiny makes her a minx., 26) "someones blood" should be "someone's blood" because the word "someone's" is possessive, 27) When the three women are accepting Merlin's undertaking of this task he is given, their separate dialogues should be in different paragraphs. Two or more characters should never have a line of dialogue in the same paragraph.

Overall try to keep your writing style consistent. You tried to make it sound old-fashioned in some areas but I think it would be more successful if you stick with what you know and what your readers are going to understand. Also, watch your use of commas. You use too many of them sometimes. A comma is used to tell a reader when to take a breath. Read your sentences out loud and pause after every comma. You'll start to notice that your sentences aren't flowing very well because you're pausing too often. For example, read, this sentence, out loud, and, you'll see, that, there are way, too many, commas in it. Quite a few of your sentences are like this.

I hope I could help with this review! The plot itself is great so keep it up in that area! As for grammar and wording, it needs some fine-tuning, but you seem to have stepped out of your comfort zone and went out of your way to use descriptive words that are uncommon- that's always a good thing to try to do! It certainly wasn't written in a boring, repetitive way. It was colorful as it should be. BUT perhaps it was a bit too colorful sometimes. It can be compared to a canvas. You need to know which colors to use where to create a beautiful painting. If you just splash all of the colors onto the canvas haphazardly it's not really going to do anything but create a giant blob. So just keep that in mind for the future. (by the way your story isn't a giant blob, it was just a comparison lol)

Oh my goodness I love this! I love the little prologue in the beginning- it caught my attention for sure, and even though it's very short I have to say that our glimpse into Renee's relationship with her dragon Aries was quite adorable and made them both automatically real characters with their own individual personalities. Your explanation of the Guilds was perfect- not too much and not too little- and I could understand it very easily. You had a good flow, which is a hard thing to achieve, so good job on this as well. You used great adjectives and nouns that matched the individual personalities of the characters they applied to which made them unique and easily distinguishable from each other. The plot is great and you left us with the perfect amount of suspense to want to continue reading. I actually wanted to read this anyway before you asked me for a review, because I had read the summary in the past and thought I would like this story. I was right! I only had time for chapter one today, but I will continue reading and reviewing for sure.

Just a few mistakes I found: 1) "Aries expression did not waver"- Should be Aries' with an apostrophe I believe since it's possessive, 2) "Renee Enceladus was the what was known as the Adonis (leader) of the Northern Guild. - I believe you meant to type "Renee Enceladus was what was known as the Adonis (leader) of the Northern Guild.", 3) The young woman was well liked and seemed rather joyful and full of life, but slowly and gradually the young leader grew more serious and unhappy. She spent more time in her office then out among her people until finally one day, she left." - The word "young" is used twice in the first sentence. It's not a big deal but it might sound better if you used another word like youthful or inexperienced for one of them just so that it's not a repetitive adjective. Also, in that second sentence you used the wrong form of than/then. It should be "than"., 4) "Being leader has been quite difficult for Alexander; he was never one to lead people, rather, he preferred to stay away from people all together." - Altogether is actually the word you want for this sentence., 5) "He would assist with some classes then secluded himself in the library." - Secluded should be seclude., 6) "Mrs. Lennox voice tore through his thoughts."- Mr's Lennox's voice needs an apostrophe because again it's possessive., 7) "he dog-eared the page he was one and set the book down." - One should be on. Also, in this same paragraph you have Mrs. Lennox's dialogue as well as Alexander's. Never put the dialogue of two or more characters in the same paragraph. Each character gets their own paragraph of dialogue., 8) "Alexander couldn't of agreed more with her." - Should be "couldn't have" instead of "couldn't of"., 9) "Alexander bide Mrs. Lennox farewell then strode out of the library." - Should be bid not bide., 10) "Once he reached the top, he found Barrackson inspecting the rows of bookshelves that lines the room." - You changed the tense at the end - "lines" should be "lined" in order to fit the rest of the sentence. Also in the sentence after this one you wrote book shelves as two separate words instead of as a compound word "bookshelves", which is what it should be., 11) "I think what I have to tell you and make up for the interruption." - Did you mean to say "what I have to tell you may make up for the interruption"?, 12) "Barrackson back his hands behind his back and strode over to the oak desk that dominated most of the room." - There's a typo here. I think you meant to say "clasped his hands behind his back" or something along those lines, 13) "A second reason being is that this looks a bit suspicious." - "being" should be removed from this sentence, 14) "he gave up on sleeping all together and got up." - Again, altogether is the correct word to use here, 15) Watchtower/s is a compound word, 16) "Who's going to takeover once your gone?" - Take over is two separate words, and the correct form of your/you're to use here is "you're"., 17) "Alexander tromped over to the one of the two windows in the room" - Should be "to one of the two windows", you have an extra "the" there., 18) "If you want to leave," The Rider spoke. "To search for your sister then go ahead. I can't stop you." - "To" shouldn't be capitalized because it's not the beginning of his sentence. Also, I think you can get rid of "The Rider spoke" in between because it gives the speech an awkward flow. We know that Barrackson is speaking without you having to say that- that much is pretty clear so it's not necessary anyway, 19) "venture forth into the night sky" - You switched the tense again. It should be "ventured"., 20) "Good luck my friend." - If it's Barrackson's thoughts inside his head then I suggest you italicize it. I knew what it was when I read it, but italicizing it really makes it clear that it's a thought, not something that the narrator is saying. With the way that it's written, it sounds like the narrator himself is saying it. Also, if the chapter is written from Alex's perspective, he wouldn't know what Barrackson is thinking, so it doesn't make sense to even put in Barrackson's private thoughts. The chapter isn't written from Barrackson's p.o.v. If your narrator is omniscient, meaning that the reader has access to ALL of the characters and their thoughts, then you need to specifiy those are Barrackson's thoughts. In which case it should be written something like this: Good luck my friend, he thought to himself.

Nice cliffhanger on this chapter! I'm starting to see why Pauly doesn't like his parents, although of course much more explanation has to be done- can't wait to see more of their story as the plot goes on.

Hmm, interesting chapter. I can see the plot coming together nicely and as before, I continue to be intrigued. Nice job. :)

I wanted to help you out with a few mistakes that I saw here and in the first chapter but I'll pm you the list. It's just to help you spot some grammatical and spelling errors as well as suggestions on how to word things better (which is just a matter of opinion, you don't have to change anything if you don't want to- it is YOUR story after all).

Hope I can help! And as always, I will continue to read this.

Some thing that I wanted to mention is that your story summary is suuuuuuuper long. I suggest shortening it so that people will actually read it. It doesn't matter how good it is, most people don't have the attention span to read a really long summary. They just want to know what the story is about so they can make a quick decision on whether or not they want to read it. I had no idea what this story was about when I clicked on it because I read the first three lines of the summary and lost my attention span lol.

Sorry it took me so long to get to this! You had asked me to check out your story before and I hadn't had the time.

I just read chapter one and only focused on the actual story and characters for now more than anything else, although I do have a few comments about the writing itself.

First of all this is (from my own experience, anyway) a pretty unique and interesting plot. You created a world that has a life and culture of its own (That's something that I, unfortunately, do not have much of a gift for so I admire that). I find the bonding thing to be very interesting, as well as Decans and Decias, the dark powers, the powers that they all seem to be born with, and the curses that the children have on them. It makes me want to read more to find out what happens.

The characters themselves are alright. The main character seems to be pretty laid-back and almost lazy, childish even, but then at the end he does show that he's noble to a certain extent. His characterization I like so far. I can see many opportunities in this story for him to develop, and that's good. All of the other characters didn't really get many chances to demonstrate who they are, but that doesn't matter. I can get a sense for all of them and I can tell them apart easily in my mind, and I remember them all.

The actual narrative comes off as a bit immature. I'm not sure if that was your intention, since the main character seems to be made purposely that way, but sometimes it's a little bit hard to get through for me (that's just an opinion though since I'm used to reading more serious things). The writing was a little weak in some spots but overall I wasn't beating my head against a wall so that's not terrible. I think that my interest in the plot itself was what kept me going. I believe I spotted a few spelling errors (I may be wrong I just don't remember). My biggest complaint is that you have a tendency of putting commas where there should be periods. A lot of your sentences should actually be two different ones. Also, the very first line in the chapter doesn't seem to make sense to me. The explanation of the bonding in the beginning is off topic since the rest of the chapter doesn't really have anything to do with it. It didn't bother me THAT much, but maybe you could move that explanation to later on in the chapter when they are actually talking about the bonding, and you can take a break from the dialogue to insert that in there as a little side explanation from the narrator.

I'm definitely interested in the story though and I'll keep reading!

It's not too often that I find a story that I really can get into, flows well, has little to no spelling/grammar mistakes, and strong emotions that I can feel. Your story has all of these things, and I really like your writing style. :)

I particularly liked the way the story told itself. You didn't bombard me with useless details and information, a mistake that many people make in the first chapter of a story because they think the reader has to know EVERYTHING. You gave enough detail that I knew what was going on, and it didn't distract from the main point of the chapter: that Pauly is dealing with the loss of his brother, and that for some reason his parents are horrible people.

I didn't exactly look for mistakes in the writing when I was reading through because my first glance at every story is mostly focused on the plot and the characters, but I did notice that you had dialogue from different characters in the same paragraph at times. Although it wasn't confusing and I knew who was talking, each new dialogue should be on its own line.

I hope you keep writing because I'd love to follow this story!