Sparkatale

Ok, I have quite a few things to say about this that may help you.

First of all, you posted this chapter twice by mistake (read chapter 1 all the way to the end and you'll see what I'm talking about). 

This chapter is really long for chapter one. The beginning of a story is supposed to capture the interest of the reader. If too much is going on then the reader gets impatient because the chapter seems to never end. If there isn't enough going on then the reader just gets bored. I think you could have broken this chapter up into two separate chapters. You could start chapter two where she leaves with Matt.

One of the biggest things I noticed was that the reactions of the characters to the events are quite unrealistic. You had a lot of nice action here and you could have capitalized on it by making your writing more emotional, more intense. If you want to write a good story, it's not just about what happens, it's about how you write it.

The following list highlights the areas where you should change the reactions of the characters or perhaps add more details: 

1) When she finds a strange man in her house her only reaction is "oh crap". I'm pretty sure that if I had received a death threat earlier and now find a strange man in my house about to set it on fire my reaction is going to be a lot bigger than "oh crap". You can make this better by adding to the sensory detail. Is she shaking? Is she nervous? Is her heart pounding in her chest? Can she hear the creaky footsteps of the man as he goes up the stairs to follow her? That sort of thing is what makes writing good.

2) I'm not sure if your character is intended to be smart or not, but if intelligence is one of her characteristics, then she is NOT going to run upstairs and lock herself in her room when someone is about to light the house on fire, lol. I mean that's just common sense.

3) Matt's reaction on the phone is rather emotionless. How would you react if someone you loved called you right now and told you that a psycho was in their house about to set it on fire? The way it was written it sounds like he's more annoyed than anything else. I don't feel the terror, the surprise.

4) One thing that I missed earlier is that your character mentions that she received the death note when she was in a coma. WHAT? Woah stop right there- why was she in a coma? For how long? You need to explain those things. It's not just something you can randomly mention in the middle of a flashback / explanation of her past. Please elaborate on this. It would be cool if you actually wrote it like a flashback where she mentally goes back in time and envisions herself in the hospital or wherever she was, looking down at that note. Describe the note- what paper was it on? Was it written in messy handwriting? That sort of thing adds to the mystery.

5) Matt keeps guns in his boots? ...Why...?

6) How old is your character? How old is Matt? You mentioned Matt's dad being ok with your character (who's name I still don't know...was it ever mentioned? I don't remember) living with them so that means he's still fairly young. So why does he have guns, why is he using them, and why does he give the main character a gun if he knows she probably won't use it or doesn't know how to?

7) Isn't it like... illegal to shoot people...? I know that its his property but still. Where I live you'd get jailed for even POINTING a gun at someone in your yard.

8) Who's the random guy in Matt's yard and why does he want to kill her? I mean he literally just came out of nowhere and he seems to know who she is... but she doesn't know who HE is? At least describe him a little bit. And again, her reaction to someone pointing a gun at her when she's already scared and has suffered so much mental and emotional trauma is pretty low-key. You need to describe what she's feeling.

9) So... she killed a guy. Without even thinking about it. Even though a few paragraphs earlier she said she couldn't stand guns and she had only had one lesson with them. This is a MAJOR shift in character that either needs to be changed or explained. Also, she said that she learned how to shoot in order to wound someone, not kill them. So why didn't she simply wound him? She was awful quick to just take his life, regardless of what his intentions were.

10) It's always a good idea to call the sheriff right after you murder someone *sarcasm* :)

11) Again, Matt's reaction to finding out that there was a strange guy in his yard that wanted to kill his friend is waaaaay too calm. Not to mention, he is now staring at a bloody dead body. In his yard. And HIS FRIEND who is now LIVING WITH HIM killed him. He needs some kind of reaction like panic, horror, worry, remorse, anger, ect.

12) She says that she couldn't take the taunting anymore. She must have a pretty short fuse because all the guy managed to say before she shot him was one line of dialogue, lol. If you want her to be driven to the point of murder because he's THAT aggravating then you need to give him more lines. Plus, how can she feel so much hatred for a person that she doesn't know? That developed out of nowhere.

So that's my take on the events of the first chapter. I think it has potential to be good but it does need work. I would rewrite it from scratch (keep this one as an outline- don't throw it away!) and make it more emotional, more intense, and make it make more sense. It should be more realistic, and if it's supposed to be that way you need to explain that in the story. I'll gladly re-read and review anything you write from this point onward. I'm always happy to help.

I also noticed quite a few grammatical mistakes. I'll make that a separate comment because this one is rather long already. Here goes...

Thank you for reading my story and from what you said it sounds like i really need o re think this story completely. IF this chapter doesn't make any sense, then the next nine surely are not going to make any sense then. I might as well not bother writing this one because it would be to much of a hassle to try to completely redo the whole story have going. Thank you for your input though! I'm also busy with college so, that is the main reason, I probably won't redo this one. Thanks again!!!!

I'm glad I could help... don't give up on writing it though!! It just needs a fresh start that's all. I've had to write a lot of my stories from scratch all over again because they just didn't come out good. It's just part of being a writer. I will definitely read it if you give it another shot because I think it has potential to be a pretty good mystery story once the blanks are filled in. :)

Well whatever you decide to do with it, I'll be here to help if you ever need it in the future. :)

I was going to individually point out each mistake, but I think I'll just rewrite the paragraphs with the correct grammar and punctuation so that you can see the differences. That might be easier. The stuff in bold is the stuff that I corrected.

1) As I watch my dad drive away I start to cry tears that I haven't been able to cry for days. Why do they decide to come now? I don't have a clue. But there is one thing I do know, and that is that I will be living with my friend Matt from now on. His dad is okay with it, my dad is leaving without me and doesn't care, and my mom is nowhere to be seen. Why had Matt offered for me to live with him? I don't have a clue. My friends say that he likes me but I wouldn't know. I've never had someone like me before and if they have I never knew about it. I can be kind of clueless for things like that.

2) I just stand here crying like an idiot in the front yard. My neighbor is watching through her window but trying not to be noticed. She does it all the time so none of us can figure out why she tries to hide. After a few minutes, I stop crying and head back inside. I already have all of my stuff at Matt's house. It's my house now too, I guess. Matt said he would be here in a few minutes so I go up to my room. All I want right now was to be alone.

3) It's bad enough that my mom had to leave me and now him. It's quite unbearable to lose both parents.

4) I gag, pull my shirt up, and start to breathe through it.

5) I chance looking around the corner to see who is doing this and to my surprise it is a guy in a ski mask that looks a lot like the guy that gave me a threatening note before I had ended up in a coma. The note had said: You will die a horrible death. D.B. That was months ago. (start new paragraph)

Slowly he turns around and I gasp because I know he has seen me. Without thinking I turn around and run upstairs. It's such a bad choice I realize after the guy follows me. (start new paragraph)

"Crap," I mumble under my breath. I dash into my room, close and lock the door, and I pull out my phone to call Matt.

6) I gasp and pull my shirt off and cover my mouth and nose. I then start to breathe through my shirt. Next, I walk over to my window and look out. There is a tree right outside. Maybe I can jump over to it, I think to myself.

There's more but I'll get to the rest of it later. I currently don't have a lot of time, but I hope this can help! :)