Amber Robson's Chronicles Book #1: Amber and Celebi's Adventure Through Time, a Fantasy story | SparkaTale

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Amber Robson's Chronicles Book #1: Amber and Celebi's Adventure Through Time

By: Zephyr Murphy

Status: In Progress

Summary:

(Also avaliable on FictionPress.com) The first book in the "Amber Robson's Chronicles" SparkaTale book series. From the author of "Blake and Melody's Escape." Amber Robson may seem like an ordinary Canadian actress, but when she and Kristopher McMillan are dragged back in time by an unknown creature, it is up to their friends, their family members, and themselves to get back to the present in a light hearted adventure in time periods ranging from the Civil War to the era of the dinosaurs. Features gameplay elements of the hit video game series The Legend of Zelda and is dedicated in memory of Wayne Robson.

Created: June 20, 2014 | Updated: April 17, 2015

Genre : Fantasy

Language : English

Reviews: 0 | Rating:

Comments: 2

Favorites: 2

Reads: 580

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1: Chapter 1: A Mid-Summer Incident 614
Total Wordcount: 614

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    Comments / Critiques

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      *Correction: I said the chapter was under 600 words but now that I look at it it's just a little above 600. This doesn't change what I was saying about the length earlier, but I felt like I should correct myself.

      December 16, 2014 | The Tigress

    • Chapter: 1 Reply

       

      I think this story has potential to be interesting, but there are a few things I'd like to point out:

      A few quick things to keep in mind: A character's thoughts don't go in "quotations". Italicizing them is enough- quotations are for dialogue. Each character should get their own line of dialogue- don't put the words of two or more characters in one paragraph- always start a new one for each character. This could use a little bit of proofreading, since it has a few little mistakes here and there (for example it says waking instead of walking somewhere in the beginning).

      From reading the story summary, it seems like it can be an interesting story, but it needs WAY more details. This first chapter is under 600 words and, while a story doesn't necessarily have to be long to be good, the amount of things happening in this chapter require MUCH more information (I'd say at least somewhere between 1000-2000 words). I have a pretty vivid imagination, but even I had a hard time creating the scene that you were writing in my head. We need sensory details and perhaps more dialogue.

      Also, showing something happening rather than telling it is a very effective way of catching your reader's interest and getting them involved in the story. For example instead of saying "They caught the creature." Explain HOW they caught it (especially since this is the climax of the chapter you really want to use this here more than anywhere else).

      Lastly, I was reading your story summary and I think that it would be a good idea to shorten it more to catch peoples' interest faster. It shouldn't be written like the back of a printed book, which is the vibe yours is giving me. Instead, it should be a very brief summary (really just a few sentences) about the main plot of the story. In my opinion it should start at the part that says "Amber Robson...." and end in the part that says "...era of the dinosaurs." You see, on the internet people have a lot less patience. It's not like reading a piece of paper (I believe this is actually scientifically proven). Therefore, you have to get to the point a LOT quicker or you're not going to get views.

      I hope I was able to help. :)

      December 14, 2014 | The Tigress