Sparkatale

I've said this before, but you have an amazing talent for creating an atmosphere. This story is eery, and heart breaking, leaving the reader to feel dread when Tyler is met with the threat of being left alone once more. The dialogue between characters was simple yet heartfelt, and made for a charming read. I found myself gasping at the end. I hadn't even realized I was at the end, and when I did, I wanted to read more. But I really do love the ambiguity of the ending. I think it really sets the story as a whole. In the beginning you're left confused, with a small grasp of the posibility of where he is, and in the end you're left with much the same. I really loved this story!

This ones got to be my favourite so far! Keep posting poems!

You're really great at setting an atmosphere for your poetry. I'm not good with poems, but yours is top notch in my eyes. Good job, Richard!

Have I ever told you that I love fantasy? Or Dragons for that matter? No? Because I do. It took very little for me to find your story appealing. Seriously, you have it all for me here! First off- your writing really does have a warmth to it. It gives this classic fable feel to it, only your writing is more modernized as opposed to using sentences such as 'Lo! Harken naught to blah blah blah..' (Bad example, but you get my point). The world you portrayed is vast, filled with a lot of things left to be uncovered, I'm sure of it! The names 'Gaia' and, 'Hecate' were really well put to use for countries. As (if my memory serves correctly) those are the names of earth Goddesses used in certain pantheons. I love how you've given the dragons personalities. For a second I thought they were going to be simple creatures to be tamed by humans, similar to hounds and horses.. I'm glad that's not the case! Libra is really sarcastic when speaking to Alexander, it's hilarious. Their relationship resembles that of old friends rather than rider/mount. Which seems more apropriate than the prior. I feel bad for Alexander, he must've felt so alone when his sister disappeared. Especially with his family history. There were a few (light) errors, which I'm overlooking simply because you are amongst my favourite writers on SparkaTale. From the works I've seen you produce, your writing is really up there in my eyes. Can't say things like that enough. Plus, this work is a work in progress! I'm sure you'll go back and edit once it's complete. I already had this story on my favourites list saved for a later read, and now I've finally got to reading it! It's a great story, and you can be sure I'll be waiting eagerly for your updates :)

I managed to find time to review, and I'm really happy I did! Once I started I couldn't stop. I read through all eight chapters in one sitting. The narrative of the story is told in first person, and is posed in present tense, making it a really intimate read. Throughout the story I found myself becoming angry when Lilith became angry, and happy when she was over-joyed. I can tell each chapter was carefully written. I absolutely adore Lilith's character, she is a strong-willed girl with a quick temperment! Which is exactly why her name is so fitting! If I'm correct, you had named her after the Demon, or Goddess (depending on the persons views) Lilitu, which was the first wife of Adam. If so, you captured her essence brilliantly, and brought it to life within your own version of Lilith! I would have complained about how little you described the world, but seeing as it was written in Lilith's point of view.. it's understandable. Our knowledge is limited to what she knows. Which, because of their culture, is very little. (And I'll get to that subject in a bit) Though, later on Ben gives a bit of exposition of the world when they sit around the campfire. From what I gathered, it's some post apocolyptic world. A second ice-age perhaps? The world has become such a mystery, it becomes intriguing. I can't help but want to learn more! As for their culture, it seems the age in which they live as receeded back into a time where women are not equal to men. This is a touchy subject, and you certainly wrote it very well. I can't stress enough when I say; I was balling my fists everytime Randal, or Thomas-- or any man, made a comment about women being inferior. Though their words weren't posed exactly as such, I certainly felt that's what they meant. I'm really interested to see if Kaya is indeed alive, and just how much of the world we're going to be allowed to explore. Anyways, this story is really absorbing! Therefore, it's headed straight into my favourites! Bravo!

This piece is absolutely stunning. It is both tragic and romantic. It is spectacularly written, close to how a friend would tell you one of their stories. The church was still such a prominent force back then, and you displayed just how dangerous the relationship between the main character and Jack was. You can tell just how much his loss had impacted him, as when regaling the story, it was the loss of his love that he spoke of, and not the horrors of the war that was going on. This is such a beautiful piece, and I'll be sure to be looking through more of your work.

Another strong start to an intriguing story! Right off the bat, we see the charactes experiencing something that must have been a then regular routine to them. The anxiety you projected was a constant thing throughout the entirety of the read, even when there wasn't a threat of danger, I always got a looming sense that anything could happen at any moment. It was thrilling, and nerver wracking all in one! The characters are hardened by the many losses the reader knows the readr knows they've experienced (and the count keeps piling high as you read), and can only imagine what it must have been like. Just like seasoned soldiers, they had to adapt to their surroundings. With an unthinkable situation causing realistic character progression. The gore made me cringe, the action got my blood pumping, and the deaths made my heart writhe in contrition. Your emotional delivery was unflawed, hitting home with amazing precision with each word written. 'I have to feel something, or am I just as dead as the rest of these fiends?' That one line right there had showed me exactly what the world had come to, and it was so painful to see. (The very end of the first chapter had me squealing in horror and sadness. You got me good on that one!) Your writing is descriptive, and concise. With smooth transitions that ease from word to word. I see your writing now as nothing but enjoyable. The one thing I can point out (though miniscule in size) is the tenses again. Perhaps only found once or twice. So it really doesn't take anything away from your fantastic work. It only shows the raw hide of your story, which is amazing to see. I love how you made the reader feel as though no character was safe. This reminded me so much of George R.R Martins, Game of Thrones novels (which by the way is one of my favourites.) Yours is the type of novel that is rare to find, where the outcome might not be all sunshine and rainbows, as it is the type of story where the world is mad with the primal laws of nature (survival of the fittest, anything goes, etc,etc..) it is thrilling and intense! Adore your work! Please, keep at it!

I enjoyed the chapters you've published so far. I could feel the intensity put into it every time they encountered danger. It drew me in, and I really can't wait to read more. My advice would be to use more punctuation. I find when I read books, I sometimes read out loud, and with yours I ran out of breath from the long and drawn out sentences you had. Example: "We tried the doors to find them locked so we found ourselves turning to lock the gate to the backyard and hide ourselves behind the dumpsters and cluttered remains of an attempt to escape the dead which failed in dried bloody glass and scratch marks on the gate before they were eaten and left to turn." A whole paragraph was made, and only one period could be found! Commas are our friends, they help us break from one point to another. Besides that, I really did enjoy reading this. Keep up the writing, and the intensity put into it. Cheers!

I usually tend to shy away from purely romantic novels soley because I find that they are (for the most part) cliche. As authors throw their characters into a romance right off the bat saying 'Look how in love we are only after just meeting!' Going into your story I was expecting a similar situation (I tend to be unfairly biased at times. It's a fault.), however, I was pleasantly surprised to see it was not the case! Your story focuses on a romanic love, as well as friendship/family, which I always found to be just as important, if not more so! I always felt romance authors disagreed with me, as they always introduced great characters with amazing potential. Yet, somehow, they always turned bland and easily forgettable, as they ended up being pushed to the side and forgotten by the main characters and the readers. I have to say ALL your characters have their own distinct personalities that make them three dimensional. Your visualizations are on point, guiding me by creating a clear picture. Almost like reading a movie. The romance isn't at all rushed, and the development is actually believable. This might be one of the first stories dealing in pure romance that I actually enjoy. The dynamic between the living and the dead is really interesting to read, Malcom's theory really made my head turn and got me wondering! The parts where Peter started feeling cold, made me shiver as well. I knew right away that it was Jake he was feeling, and couldn't wait for them to start interacting. I'm only nit-picking when I say this; I feel at some points your tenses became jumbled (not often enough to notice easily). Example, in chapter one you wrote: '..he responded, but the slight crack in his voice tells me that he was slightly disappointed in what he found.' Where as past tense should have been applied (as is the constant in your story): '...he responded, but the slight crack in his voice TOLD me that he was..' You can find slight mix ups like that throughout your chapters, but only if you look really hard. So it isn't an immediate issue, as your story is labelled a 'work in progress'. Besides that, great story so far! I'll be reading it from start to finish! Keep up the great writing and unique story concepts. Cheers!

Thanks, it's good to be back!

The hiatus was necessary I think, I came back back to the story with a clearer mind. There was a lot to clean up with this story, and I'm hoping I did just that! Thanks so much for checking it out again and the critique.

I'll definitely be reading more of your work as well!

Thanks so much! It's good to be writing again, too. I'm sort of delving into all the fantasy tropes to see where that takes me, and if I can expand on them at all. Your comments always mean a lot. Hope to see more of your writing as well!

Intriguing start with great visualizations. So many questions ran through my head while reading this! The chapters are short but to the point, not dragged out and yet there's enough written to make it seem complete.

There's a few hiccups, making it a bit rough around the edges but not to the point of deterring me from reading on. 

From her memory, it seems the world she's from isn't dystopian in the least (going out to eat in restaurants with a friend seems normal), but to wake up in a place like that makes me wonder what's going on. 

Really impressive piece for 900 words.

Well done, can't wait to read more.

Cheers!

Really like this so far! I especially enjoyed the transition between narration, switching to the characters reading a story book.

It could use a bit of polishing, but all in all this is really good.

Well done!

An interesting chapter! You've painted a wonderfully rich history with great exposition. The fantasy aspect is always a plus for me. Having magic mixed with the politics of kingdoms in turmoil is always classic. I love how the sphere is so closely knitted to the world. Was the world on large mass of land before the world shattered? It reminds me of Pangaea.

Really great beginning and entertaining to read. I got a sense that this was perhaps heavily influenced by the game Dragon Age, Even if you haven't checked it out, there are still many parallels I can find here. 

There are only a few things I can point out, easily remedied by editing. 

- "They range from the simplicities of mathematical equations to the complexity of politics, for an example"  Something about the structure of this sentence doesn't sit right with me. Perhaps the last bit (for an example) is what made it seem so fragmented. 

Your sentences seemed really long winded at times. Example: 

"And so, I have endeavoured to record an accurate version of my own misadventures through the years, because despite my best interests, my actions played a rather large role in events from the year 1605, the year I turned eighteen, onwards, a majority of which were not happy events, though they were necessary." 

This is a whole paragraph made into one sentence. I'd suggest utilizing the semicolon, it works wonders. And if not, periods work just as well.

- Unnecessary words were used to fill in the blanks. Example: 

"In the years before that of 1307.."  This can be made to "The years before 1307 was full of magic" or something to that effect. I've done the same, and editing my work I've found that simple is best. I'm sure if you sit down and give yourself time to do the same you'll advance to a much further level than you already are now.

This is just something that confused me (possible because I'm slow at times). When you introduced Lysias, you referred to him as "The Renewer" (which is a really cool title by the way), whereas when you introduced his brother you gave his name right away. 

You seem to use two conjunctions at the beginning of your sentences a couple of times: 

- "But, though Lysias was defeated.."

- "But, however much the skills.."

There was also the line: "A vow that forbid every and any warden.."  I'm not sure if you meant to write forbids or forbade. 

Lastly, for all the exposition given, I'm still not sure what the Whiles is. Is this a physical realm where people go when they die? Is it similar to Erebus in Greek mythology? 

Those were only minor things, the rest was great to read. Its a really fun story, can't wait to see who this Ekaitz Daijon is and what he's about. I'm also very excited to read more about the Wardens and what they stand for.

Great start, keep at it. 

Cheers!

*Such a traumatizing event would only be so clear for him. Which is why I wrote it to be vague. 

I missed out writing half a sentence in my other reply, whoops! :D 

Thanks so much for the comment! Great piece of advice, I never really looked at the set-up as a "game plan". I always tended to just write and get the words out there. So that's actually really helpful advice! 

I'd just like to clear up one thing. The story tends to have three points of views, all told by the old woman who plays the roll of the narrator. At the time where the dragons attack the kingdom and the king, it is told from the perspective of Jarin, who is at an age where details from such a traumatizing event. So my intention was to have it vaguely written. 

Never the less, I value everything you've suggested; I'll definitely have it in the back of my mind every time I write! 

Cheers!

I just read the first two chapters, and was basically laughing so hard I cried. Seriously, one of the funniest things I've read in a while. The delivery of your jokes come out written so professionally, as if I'm actually reading a "How To" guide book, and are stated so matter-of-fact that it just adds to the humour. 

Your writing is amazing, I haven't seen any grammatical errors during my read through. The chapters weren't too long and got to the point. 

I think the title of the second chapter itself made me laugh. Did you plan it, or was the "Lesson 2 (Not Found"- along side the number of words just an insanely amazing coincidence? Either way- it was genious. 

As for the content itself, it's actually pretty interesting! Should I ever find a magic lamp I'll definitely be referring to this for help. Three wishes- it may seem like you can get a lot from it, but you never know. 

Here's a question: For the  "five dead give-a-ways" you mentioned in the afore chapter, when it comes to being "sassily sadistic", how would you be able to tell the difference between that being the genies ruse, or just his/her actual personality? Or are they one in the same?

Great work! This is definitely a new favourite of mine. 

Okay, this is quite possibly one of the best stories I've read so far. Usually I find that reading/writing 3000+ words is a bit of a daunting task, but your writing just has such smooth transition that it doesn't feel drawn out at all. It actually felt like less than it was, I was actually a bit sad when it ended! 

Your choice of description is vivid and not repetitive in the least. Honestly, there's something really charming about your writing I can't quite place my finger on it though. I feel it might be the atmosphere, your story really has a classical feeling to it, and it works really well! 

I've only spotted a few hiccups that I think you might want to know about. Hopefully they'll help you with your editing. I know when people comment on my work and point out my mistakes it really helps me out 'cause editing is my least favourite part about writing :D

"You're late," Rught exclaimed. - This was written in past tense, whereas the rest of the story was presented in present tense. 

"Had the whole thing been a dream, or did they somehow utilize some unknown power to visit him in his subconscious? As more and more minutes begin ticking off the clock.." - There's nothing wrong with the grammar, it's just that there's a fairly large space between "his subconscious?" and "As more and more.." 

Also, there was a bit of repetitiveness when the characters spoke, as they 'declare' stuff a whole bunch :D It doesn't really hinder your story, just thought I'd point that out.

Not a whole lot to edit, which I applaud! The ending of the story is just the cherry on top, to finish off the delicious cake which is your story. I'm honestly in love with your style of writing, and I'm green with envy right now! 

This was an absolute joy to read, and I'll be sure to look deeper into your other works at a later date.

Cheers!

Thank you a thousand times over for your continually helpful comments! Please don't fell bad about pointing out any flaws in the story :D I always miss something or other when writing/editing, an extra pair of eyes is really helpful. As is your insight, and perspective on the story as a whole. 

When Dracaena found herself intrigued by the dragon statues and the hall hey guarded, yes, it was because of magic. I think it'll be better clarified in the next chapter. :) 

The story teller is pretty philosophical. I was trying to go for a 70's stoner, 'like, dude, you know? What is the concept of God and stuff?' Hahaha she's old, and old age comes hand in hand with wisdom. But that doesn't mean the wise should stop asking questions! :D

The traveller's gender is supposed to be synonymous with the reader's. So in your case, the traveller is a dude. 

Your comments are as helpful and insightful as ever. And I hope you enjoy the story. If I come up with any questions, I shall ask swiftly and without reservation :D 

Sorry, I missed some things! Part of that is due to my editing. Of course I'll go back and change it, and don't worry you don't sound repetitive at all. It must be done. :D

Huzzah for best co-authors, I return the compliments. :) 

Thank you for continuing to comment!

L'Slvre and Ira do live on opposing sides of the wall, yes. Sorry if that was unclear to you. We'll have to brainstorm on how to make that more clear. I suppose the descriptions of the land they live on wasn't indication enough? :D

Apologies for the slow-going nature in the beginning, but that was slightly my intention. Catholic mass isn't usually full festivities, and is really 'to the book' when it comes to ceremonies from what I remember. I'm not sure how to spice it up, but I'll take a look see anyhow.

I'm glad you've put two and two together, and saw the connection to their religion and Catholicism. It's what I was going for :) And yes, the Vicario is supposed to be my version of the Pope.

I'll go back and edit, thanks for letting me know about the errors! I usually miss seeing them, so it's a big help. I'll also take into account your suggestion about where to place the rumour. You're right, it does slightly give away the ending.

Thanks again!

Thanks for the comment, and the advice. It was very helpful. We've gone back to edit our work, and hope your points were corrected.

Concerning the dialog, the world created, and the culture it's based off is much different from our own. Our mannerisms wouldn't exactly coincide with what the characters were raised with. Just a little something to consider. :) 

Thanks again!  

Oh dear lord, the infamous black and blue dress debate has even made its way here, hahahaha. It is totally black and blue, I don't see how anyone can think otherwise!

Kozel's demeanour really changed from uncomfortable to nonchalant quite quickly in comparison to the previous chapter. Is it something about Adriana that puts him at ease? Dan and Kozel also seemed to become more friendly, it was actually pretty mature of them both to let things play out instead of competing for Wendy's affection. Which wasn't what I was expecting in the slightest. But I think I prefer it this way :D Dan seems like a cool guy, and Kozel could always use a good friend. Especially since I felt he and Wendy sort of became a bit distant towards each other here. Was it just me who sort of got this vibe, or was that what you were going for? 

Adriana is.. different from what I imagined. I think in my mind, I was sticking to the 'old hag' stereo type. I mean, she's got the hermit part down. All she needed was a mole and green skin :D But no, she's a real beauty queen, albeit a bit strange.. Is there any particular reason as to why she looks like Wendy? Or is it coincidence? For some reason, from all the magic she displayed, I feel like she might have (if she can) changed her appearance to mess with them a bit. Heck, I would! Especially living as a hermit, you've got to take your entertainment where you can.

What up with her goat? How the heck did she teach it to fetch? I mean, cute! The image I got was super cute! I'd like a goat who cant fetch, too! But.. what? I suppose that's not so strange in comparison of the other things she can do. Like magically bring them into a sauna, and change them out of their clothes. That last part is a bit unnerving.. I'd feel a bit violated :P She seems powerful to say the least, and well informed of their situation. 

They were all pretty suspicious of Adriana, and rightfully so! She's pretty secretive in a very open and inviting way.. But for some reason, what ever secrets she has, I feel she doesn't keep them to harm. She seems like a warm person, kind and helpful. Especially since you've hinted what she knows seems like heavy stuff. 'She wanted to share more secrets with them but, to maintain their sanity, kept them to herself.'  I shivered there, and because I'm just curious by nature, I kind of wish she risked their sanity ;(I need to know, damn it all! But, like I said: she seems kind. She doesn't strike me as the type to intentionally set out and harm.

I hope Wendy doesn't get herself too down with thinking about what Adriana said. Maybe manipulation wasn't the best choice of words on Adriana's part.. I'd have said charm. And Wendy certainly is a charmer! Similar to Adriana, Wendy might 'manipulate' unintentionally. However, if there's one thing I've learned in all my twenty years of living, it's that things never remain unchanged. Wendy (if she so chooses) can always become a person that she chooses to be, and not what some witch in the wilds perceived her as.. though she does have pretty sharp powers of perception! 

Dan and Kozel are now bros, somewhat. I hope it lasts, I like myself some good bromances. I wonder what they're going to decide to do now though. It seems like a big decision. Do they take Adriana's advice and head towards Serdtsa? Will Kozel join them? Since Wendy is now the leader, and also having doubts concerning Kozel, will she allow him to join them? D; (Please say yes) 

Anyways, great chapter! Full of your trademark humour and a great deal of mystery. Loved it, great job!

Oh god, 'the Jarin', that definitely sounds like a nature documentary, you're right. hahahaha I was going to write 'the prince' but instead it came out as you see. Thanks again for the comment/suggestions. I need to set a time where I just sit down with my work and edit the ever living crap out of it. :P 

I'm glad I've made some character progression with Thea, there will be more to come for all characters. And yes, don't you worry about Dracaena leaving the kids, she'll make her way back to them. 

 

Thank you so much! I'm glad you've enjoyed what we've written so far! 

I'll be sure to go back and edit as soon as I can. We appreciate your comment, and hope that the further chapters impress you just the same! :)

Oh, this chapter was short and sweet! Got through it fairly quickly, I wish there was more :( Especially since the mention of Adriana. If she is the product of man and monster, then she has captured most of my interest without even showing up! I'm wondering if how she came to be. Was there actually a human and monster that fell in love and squeezed her out? Or.. could she have been made in a different way? I'm thinking since they are advanced in some areas, would it be a completely ridiculous notion that some crazy scientist spliced the DNA of the two opposing sides and created her? Or could it have been by magic? Aghh, I just don't know. There are so many possibilities in this world, it makes every question an adventure! 

Just one typo I found: 'He hopped around on bear feet.' But you're so good at writing, if it's you, I'll believe that bear feet is real :D

So, Dan. He sure is suspicious. Either he has great intuition and can spot a monster easily or he's just like that by nature. At least where Wendy is concerned. Speaking of: Are they a thing? They sure seemed touchy-feely here, and Kozel's presence went almost completely unnoticed. See, here's my issue: I love Kozel. I love Kozel and Wendy. Seeing them interact makes me get all warm and fuzzy, so naturally I want them to always be together. Catch my drift? So if Dan enters this equation, Kozel+Wendy won't equal anything. It's like dividing by zero >:( 

Sigh, but I can see his perks. I mean this guy is nice, he seems charming and friendly, and seems as equally passionate as Wendy. Not to mention he has a dog- a husky no less! As they were reminiscing of the 'good ol' days', the only image I had of them protesting was the hippy era. Where they placed flowers into the barrels of a gun, and afterwards went to enjoy each others company at Woodstock. It made me laugh.

If Kozel does have a crush on Wendy, (which to me, seems like he does) I can only pray that there is still hope for him. I mean, even if Wendy called it weird, a person like Adriana is a possibility. This means that a human/monster pairing is possible if they give it a chance. Maybe Kozel can sway her on that decision, unless he finds it weird too :( Which then would cause me to weep for my ship has sunk and split like the titanic. I feel like him thinking that the sandwich didn't taste as good was him experiencing the bitterness of a romantic triangle. The night before it was sweetened with the thought of just him and Wendy, but then it lost that taste as soon as Dan shoved him out. 

Is Wendy aware of Kozel's feelings? Was she aware that her words hurt him? She must've known something as she asked him to tell her if she said something to offend him. 'Oh, I'm such an idiot.' Is that her implying she knows there's a bit of bad blood brewing between Dan and Kozel? I'm a bit unsure why she thought that. Also- huzzah for unintentional alliterations: Bad blood brewing. :D

'Dan being the reliable friend that he was, had brought a boat.' Of course he did. This guy can do no wrong, can he? He's so perfect- I hate it. It's tearing my loyalties to Kozel. 

Also, why was it he had suddenly changed his tune, and became friendly towards Kozel? I don't trust this. 

I hope we get to meet Adriana next chapter!! 

 

I should very well hope you see yourself as the traveller :D That's what I was going for anyways. And who knows about the old story-teller? She could be working different angles here; an all knowing hermit teasingly implying things, to an wistful old woman holding onto sentimentality that come in the form of stories. 

Sorry for all the typo's and errors D: I'm like an over-eager puppy when I write, and can't slow down to check if I did things right hahaha, in my mind everything must get out ASAP. I need to slow down a bit when it comes to that. Thanks for putting up with it, and thanks again for showing me where I went wrong :) 

I agree with you, at times certain things jumped and felt a bit choppy. I've tried to make it flow better, but I'm still not happy with it. I'll be coming back to those parts and see just how I can improve it. Believe you me, I will have this story primmed and polished by the end. 

The part where Dracaena 'dared not breathe' was meant to be taken more lightly hahaha. Almost like a panic attack and you become short of breath, so you think you've stopped breathing. Well, I could have added a bit more description there. 

I'm glad little Thea has managed to plant a seed of admiration in your heart. She's one of my favourites too, I'll have you know!

And pshaw! Who says you can't call things cute? I found it more bratty of Merek than anything, but I can see how it would look cute too x). And oh my. A Thea/Merek ship! That's awesome hahahahaha that's too great. I don't know- should Therek be a thing? 

 

Thanks, I'm glad I was able to draw you in with the emotional aspect. It's usually pretty hard to delve into and convey what the characters are feeling in certain situations, so I'm glad that turned out alright. 

I'm very happy you're enjoying Dracaena. I was a bit iffy on how she came out, I thought people might have found her bland, but I'm glad that's not the case! 

Yes, Jarin is a bit of a grumpy-head when he's deprived of sleep. Though he has that luxury as a royal. Notice how Thea just shrugged it off like it was a thing expected? :P Oh, Princes can be the spoiled sort at times, despite all their chivalry.

As for Thea wanting to be near Dracaena, well in my mind I just pictured her excited having a new girl to play with. There are definitely other girls she could latch onto, but I just didn't imagine Thea really connecting with any of them. So I guess the prospect of someone new was just something she relished. 

I really like all the speculations and theories you've come up with. A part of me just wants to spill all the secrets, but in the end that wouldn't be much fun, would it? :P 

So wait, there's no clue as to who attacked the town? Darn it! Who was sniping people with these magic arrows? Was it one person who was the culprit, or a whole group? If it was one person, then damn they're skilled! I also like how you've included magic in the story. I'm calling it that because that's what they referred it to, unless it's some sort of technology that's in this world? After all, they seemed well advanced when it comes to medicinal studies, and nutrition. What other sciences are they advanced in, I wonder?

I like how there was a bit of guilt clouding Wendy's mind, gives her a bit more dimension than she originally had (not saying she wasn't well rounded or anything, she was). You never realize how much you care until it's too late. Wondering what specifically she was referring to? The hunters she claimed to hate? The citizens she detached herself from? Her parents who were taken from her? At any rate, whatever it was (or if it was all those things) it really seems this is the start for some great character development for her. Even though she scorns humans, she still seemed to have some undertones of their teachings; flinching every time Kozel seemed to come off as threatening.  Especially that one sentence you wrote She understood that he was different from the monster of her nightmares, and would never actually hurt her. Despite her outspoken ways, and her preechings when defending monsters, she has actually also feared them secretly- if only a little. There was also the part where she was surprised at how craft savvy Kozel turned out to be when setting up camp. Did a part of her also believe that monsters were a bit less intelligent than their human counter-parts? She also acknowledged this, which was good. It showed she wasn't oblivious to her prejudice. It's interesting, and very believable. 

I'm actually also a bit surprised at how much Wendy and Kozel were able to pack when escaping; packs full of supplies, some winter outfits (though still not warm enough), even blankets and food. Not to mention they escaped relatively unscathed. Though, it's something that can be easily over-looked, especially since we got a great image of Kozel in a green hat and blue back pack. You got countless Aw's from me here. x) 

I was wondering why Wendy thought that anyone who yet lived would think her a traitor? Would it be because of Kozel? Sorry I'm a bit fuzzy in understanding why. I mean he was imprisoned, and escaped, but would they know Wendy left with him? Besides that wouldn't they have bigger problems by looking into who it was who decided to open fire in town? Unless they suspect it was Kozel's doing.

I laughed pretty hard when Kozel suddenly seemed an expert when setting up their make-shift camp. In the first chapter he tried feeding oranges to the fire he had and managed to smother it. So there was a big contrast there. Though, I do suppose he could have been delirious from hunger and fatigue. Also, he must have had some skill if he survived in the wilderness alone for as long as he did, so it makes sense. 

Kozel really did take everything in stride. As Wendy said, he must've been used to things like that happening more than her. And it really helped Wendy keep a level head on the situation, though I can only imagine how long it'll be till the pain of what happens catches up with her. She lost her parents, after all.. and even if they didn't always understand her, they loved her as best they could. At least that's what I got out of their relationship, surely that must have accounted for something? It'll be absolutely heart breaking to see Wendy in shambles, especially since she seems like such an emotionally strong character. That is assuming it happens. 

I really liked how casual their conversation was, as though they've known each other for a while. With constant teasing, and a bit of sarcasm. They really just rolled with it, and really do suit each other. I enjoyed seeing Kozel pine over Wendy, as they travelled. Making sure she was following him, and serving her a warm drink. He's so cute hahaha. 

I was afraid Kozel would fall prey to his natural instincts for a moment, and hurt Wendy. I'm really starting to get a "beauty and the beast" vibe here.. though perhaps it was implied before, it's only just starting to sink in for me. The other times must have flown right over my head x). I was holding my breath till the line "Sorry, Wendy, but I'm not going to take my pants off in front of you.." came up. Humour is always a good subterfuge for hiding other emotions. Even if he wasn't intentionally going for that. It was nice to see that even when suppressing his rage, he was worried about hurting her. That was touching. 

His attempt at bathing was so pathetic hahaha, it truly was a sad attempt. But oh-so very entertaining. What was it that made Kozel revert into his human form? The cold? 

I'm excited for the new character you've introduced. Is he going to a constant companion to Wendy and Kozel? 

As always, your writing is a thing of inspiration. Your humour is enjoyable, the dialogue is natural. I love it. Keep up the good work! 

Sorry for the lateness of my comment as well. I've already finished reading all the chapters you have out, I just couldn't find it in me to sit down and focus on writing out a decent/passable comment. My mind has been scattered and I didn't want to litter your story with incoherent thoughts. :D

I was a bit panicky at first when Wendy was shot, and Kozel sustained his injuries while gaining a few minor ones in the process. Courtesy of the hunters. Sigh, the brutes.. Their confrontation was a great way to show how strongly Kozel wanted to try and retain that kind nature he has(rather than explode and letting his instincts take over) By voluntarily licking the chemical off his fur and reverting in form. I'm guessing not all kaipra's are as well mannered as he is.

When the tables turned and he 'took care of' the hunter- that really surprised me. He's surprisingly resilient in his human form, even when injured! But I suppose that's just a true reminder that he isn't truly human, even if he may look it. 

The inner romantic in me loves how he pushed away his regret and let himself prioritize Wendy's well-being above all else. Even though I they just met, and romantic development takes time- well realistic ones do anyhow. I just had to melt for a split second before reminding myself that Wendy needed help. 

The bit with Kozel asking for directions was hilarious. Seriously, I was snorting. Un-lady like, I know. But god damn, that was funny.

Despite the humour, you really do tackle a bit of tragedy head on, don't you? The fact that Kozel wants to be something he's not is a bit heartbreaking. It must be terrible for him to hate the skin he's in. If only he realized that it was because of who- and what he is, that he was able to meet Wendy. And that just might be a good thing. It was clearly shown in the chapters prior as well, that Wendy quite dislikes her own kind. They are similar, but I'm wondering if there's a difference in perspectives? Kozel seems to hate himself rather than his own kind. Whereas Wendy seems to hate her kind rather than herself. Either way, I think they can find some sort of answer to their sorrows by interacting more with each other. Maybe learn how to love the things they can't change. 

Another contrasting characteristic between the two seems to be that Kozel- despite all he's been through, still holds quite the optimistic outlook! I liked how he looked down at Wendy and says: Surely not all humans are like this. 

You have a great way at shifting the mood of the story, I swear. One moment it's comedic, other times it's a bit philosophical- or sad. I swear, you made it all transition so smoothly and instantly. How the heck do you do it?? *hiding inner jealousy.

"We don't want your cookies" This line.. I can't. It just through me off because, in my head,  I was kind of urging Kozel to get to the doctor quickly, and when he finally did that was the answer he got. I laughed too hard at that. It was great, what made it better was it had been Wendy's father who said it! hahahaha

I'm glad Joan was praising and thanking Kozel- even though they don't know that he was the monster the hunters were after, I still think he deserves some sort of recognition. Step into the lime-light for a second, Koz. You're a great guy, no matter what they tell you! :D

Now, I doubt that (despite what Joan says) the humans are completely innocent. Am I wrong here? It can't be completely black and white- nothing ever is! Who knows who actually instigated the war, or if that even mattered? Whoever started it, the other side chose to retaliate with the same brutality the first party threatened them with. What was that classing saying? Two wrongs don't make a right (unless we're doing math here with double negatives leading to positives). But of course, Joan and the rest of the citizens are privy to only so much information, I'm sure. They must eat up anything their leaders tell them, taking it all at face value. 

And the ending.. I did not see that coming if I'm being honest. Joan D; She was such a sweetheart. It all happened so fast, but I guess terrible things tend to come in quick succession!

There was just one part that seemed in need of a quick touch-up:

"She's going to be alright. But it isn't monsters to be concerned for humans.." It feels as though a word is missing here. "But it isn't like monsters to be concerned for humans.." Or something like that :D

Once again, another great chapter creating the foundation to what I know will turn out to be a great story. (Sorry if this seems more like rambling than it is helpful!) 

Oh my god, I do hope you'll forgive me for using all caps here but.. : HAHAHAHAHA! It does remind me of Dora the Explorer now that you mentioned it! 

"Can you tell what it is? Say dragon! Muy bueno- very good!" That's aces right there.

I'm glad the relationship between Merek and Jarin is realistic. I have brothers too, so  I kind of drew inspiration from that. But I can never achieve the 'bro' status they have together. So I tried to mimic it as best I could in my writing. I'm glad it worked out :'). 

Thanks again for pointing out the mistakes. I went back to edit the chapters, but I can still see quite a few hiccups! 

I'm really glad the narrator is making you question things. That's what I was kind of aiming for. Throughout the whole story she's supposed to be wondering about the reader (you), and I was hoping the readers would do quite the same.

As for the dragon girl, well.. I'll leave the mystery to unravel itself as the story progresses. :D 

As always, thanks for the comment and the input! Much appreciated!

I just realized (embarrassingly enough) I misspelled Aidan's name wrong twice last comment even though it was in the title. Hehe.. my bad :P

It's great that you have the plot mapped out! Even though when I worked with you on our collab, it was fun figuring out where each pieces of the puzzle would so to speak. :D But I can see the difference in winging the story as opposed to having it set in stone. The transition from chapter to chapter almost seems.. smoother? Either way you work, I love it!

It's almost baffling to see how quickly Aidan is developing as an AI. It seems as though already he's able to comprehend emotion. Avery must be brilliant to have made such a.. would I call him a program? I'm not sure, I'm trying to keep my lingo in tune with the story. Don't worry, I'll have it down to the T as I progress! Even at the end, I dare say Aidan was confused with his conversation with General Hitchmen. It's got me wondering, too. What was the purpose for Aidan's creation? What do they have in store for him?

I liked that Aidan perceived Avery as his father. For a moment I thought he would think him something close to a god. He was his creator after all, but considering Aidan's personality, I'd say he wouldn't mount a human so high on a pedestal. So him seeing Avery as his father fits perfectly in my opinion. Forgive me for what I'm about to say, my love for Pokemon made me think of it. I kind of feel like Aidan is going to be in for a confusing existence. Just like in the movie MewTwo returns, I'm guessing he'll be searching for his 'destiny' in life. I feel like whatever the reason he was made won't be a pretty one, and Aidan will want to seek more, and look at what else life has to offer. I'm also getting the feeling he might be pretty lonely down the line, especially with how startlingly quick his emotional palette is expanding. He is the only AI, and that could be quite daunting. 

This was definitely another interesting chapter, I'll be keeping up for sure :D Wonderfully done.

Right off the bat this chapter made me laugh! Although Wendy doesn't try, she's just hilarious in her antics. The fact that she goes in whole heartedly in what she believes just makes it all the better! I guess her plan wasn't as devious as I feared it would turn out to be, though it's still a bit dramatic and perhaps a bit foolhardy. Though I think that description suits Wendy beautifully. :D

Something struck me as odd though. The hunter she was first interacting with, Warren, mentioned that them holding a monster amongst their midsts would cause panic through the town if the information was leaked, yet.. there he was spilling the secret to Wendy- who is a citizen. Either he's a bit of an air head, or he has some secret agenda... I'm going with air head. It bothered me that they kept referring to Kozel as 'it', call me biased since he's my favourite character. But I'm glad Wendy spoke out against it later on. She and I are on the same page when it comes to things like that, I guess! Another reason why she's such a charming character. 

I knew the mayor was going to turn out to be a good guy, too! I felt it in my gut, the kindly old man with a big heart. He seems like the father of the village. I bet if he could have it his way, he'd have everyone calling him papa. Hahaha. 

Kozel and Wendy seemed to have hit it off as well! I felt bad for him when Carac was intimidating him for information. The bully *Shakes fist in a fury*! If anything, Carac seems more a monster to me than Kozel does. Is that weird? Even though I know Kozel has killed.. I don't know he just seems too kind to be described as a monster, it doesn't suit him at all! He was completely infatuated with Wendy, and I can see why! Her fighting spirit itself is something to be in awe of, and now that we have a good understanding of how she looks.. my, my, me! We have an angel in our midsts!

I'm interested in this chemical the researchers developed. They are more advanced than I thought! Should I be on the look-out for more advanced medicinal workings? :D   

I found just one typo I thought you might want to know about:

-"Wendy yelped and threw the bad back to the hunter" I think you meant to write bag. 

Besides that, I'm actually pleasantly surprised by this story- this chapter in particular. Usually 3000+ words is a bit of a daunting read, I have a hard time focusing for that long. It's a fault of mine :( But this story keeps me interested long enough to not see my mind wander. The charm, and the humour laced within the sentences, the wonderful characters, and the fantastical setting- the relatable dialogue, all this combined completely captures me! I ate this chapter up like candy.

Once again, I give you a standing O on such a finely written piece. Well done!

Thanks so much again for pointing out the mistakes. As I mentioned before, editing isn't my favourite. So this is much appreciated! I'll go back and smooth the things mentioned out a bit! 

The interaction I have between the storyteller/reader is a bit difficult to write out.. especially since I try giving a personality to the reader, when they already have one, you can kind of see the problem there. How I write the reactions might not be the way you would act. None the less, I do my best :') 

As for who's next in line for the throne, it is Merek. He is the true-born son of the King, as where Jarin is only the nephew. I imagine that the King would want his blood-line to succeed him when the time comes. And should Merek never bear any sons of his own, then and only then would the crown pass to Jarin- if he so chooses to take it. In my head though, I believe Jarin would never want to rule a Kingdom that didn't belong to him. He was in line for a throne- it just wasn't his uncles. 

While we're on the subject on Jarin.. I never really had a goal in mind when writing out his thoughts and when they jumped from dragons to the girl in the cave. I just imagined him as being quite imaginative and scatter-brained that I thought he would jump subjects from one thing to another. Sorry if that disappoints!! D: I'll try to foreshadow things in future chapters, I haven't achieved master-mind yet. But I will do my best to aim for it. >:)

Thanks so much for commenting again! Your comments are adding fuel to my fire, and is helping me break through the writers block I'm suffering from! 

This story went in a completely different direction than I thought it would! Once again your use of carefully posed words in your descriptions, and the way you flawlessly create the atmosphere/tone of the story astounds me. You're amazing at it, and I could only hope to reach your level one day! 

The introduction was curious in itself, I understood the setting but I had no idea what they were doing at first. Call me an idiot, I just have such a loose understanding at science-y type words. I had to keep my dictionary app handy just to keep up :D Besides my short-comings, I still really enjoyed this. The fact that they're stationed in area 51 is a hook for readers in itself! 

Avery seems like my sort of guy! Really goal-oriented, driven, and dedicated to his work. He has a secret sort of sass though, which I love, that only shines through when we get a peek into his thoughts. I dare say that he'd think it a waste of time to talk back to anyone, and takes to remaining silent instead! 

Christina seems to bring the party everywhere she goes. Her flirtatious nature is a bit endearing- though Avery doesn't seem to think so. Poor Christina! It was sort of hard to derive who was the boss in the lab, and to be completely honest with you I thought it was Avery at first. But then Christina went and ordered him to have fun! So I'm guessing she's the big boss. I'm not complaining! It's nice to see a female in command, sort of refreshing. I hope despite some of her more obvious flaws, she proves to be more than capable at handling her position.

As the story progressed, you spelled it our pretty clearly for the less intelligent folks (me) as to what their project was. I got to say, even though at first I had no idea what it was (as I keep mentioning) I found myself holding my breath as Avery's work slowly paid off. 

The AI he created is just the best! Usually when dealing with one, I kind of imagine this mono-toned sort of droid. But Aiden is just a breath of fresh air, especially with his humorous personality! I love that! I'm wondering about something though, what year does this story take place? Is it futuristic, or present day? Area 51 is already pretty clouded with mystery, they could be hiding anything in there! My take on it would have been aliens (cliched, I know!) but AI's are pretty amazing, too! 

Aiden is such a naughty little thing, I laughed hard when they were arguing about the firewalls he disabled. That was pretty amazing :') I wonder what Christina is hiding? Who is she really? Avery's little laugh-fest must have knocked her confidence down a peg or two! This is a great story so far, can't wait to see what you have in store for the readers!

Cheers!

Whoa, Kozel's personality gave a complete 360 there! He's a different person when he turns. For some reason I had already imagined him as being a monster in chapter one, so when you described his change it kind of threw me for a loop. The description in his transformation was excellent, by the way! At first I imagined him to look something akin to a faun or a satyr, but when you said 'goat from hell' my mind immediately went to Baphomet. 

The hunters in this chapter seemed a bit more.. I don't know if 'heartless' would be the correct word to use here, the fact that they laughed at Kozel after he reverted his form into that of a human again seemed a bit cold to me. I mean, eight of their companions were just brutally murdered by a monster, and they treated it as if it were nothing. I guess they have to steel themselves against things like that, especially in the world they live in, where animosity between humans and monsters lingers. I wonder if it's a regular occurrence for the men to see their fellow men-at-arms die in front of them?

Kozel is a really sweet character, he comes across as very kind to me. I really do love him. That said, it seemed a bit strange to me that his first thought wasn't something along the lines of 'How could I have killed?' but instead it was 'How could I be defeated by humans?' I don't know, it just sort of seemed to clash with how I first perceived him. Maybe those thoughts were his dominant because he was freshly out of his monster form? Am I right to think so?

I'm interested in how the mayor of the town is going to deal with Kozel now that he's captured. He seems nice enough, with his priorities being nursing him back to health first and for most. 

As for Wendy, ah, that mischievous girl! I love her, too! She's a thinker, isn't she? She knows there's more than one side to each story! I absolutely adore how determined she is to not paint monsters as villains right off the bat. Though her plan of action for stirring up some trouble to meet a captured Kozel leaves me a bit wary, I'm still excited to see how it'll pan out. I'm hoping she won't stir the pot too much, she seems to be on thin ice as is what with her defiance against the hunters, and her snarky attitude (which I love). Despite her parents scolding her (which, for some reason I imagine is a regular occurrence) I feel like their relationship is pretty strong. She seems to respect them, as she didn't sass them as much as I originally thought she would have. 

I'm eagerly waiting to see how Wendy and Kozel get on with each other. Will their personalities clash or mesh? 

This is turning to be one of my favourite stories on sparkatale. Kudos, and cheers! 

Wow, thanks so much! Don't worry this comment didn't come off as negative in the slightest. It's actually very helpful. One of my least favourite parts about writing is editing, even though it's essential. I just focus so much on getting my words out before I forget that I prioritize that over whether or not some of the sentence structure makes sense, or if it comes of repetitive. So this really helped :D 

Thank you again for your kind and very helpful comment! 

This was great! The opening was a great way to show exactly the type of world the reader would be exploring. Right away we're met with this wondrous and captivating creature that came in the form of the flying fish. I loved how you described them, they seemed so magical and peaceful.

Wendy's fascination with them really rubbed off on me, but the way you wrote how the townsmen view on them really created that understanding of how troublesome they can be at times. The choice word you used "pest" seemed to describe them very well. To the townsmen they're like insects or rodents that need exterminating for making their home too close to their own.

When it came to the hunters killing the flying fish and cheering about it after, I sided with Wendy completely. Though after my allegiance wavered a bit after the hunters explained their side. I saw both sides of the spectrum. Although it the killing was still a tough pill to swallow. It's a good reflection of how our own world works with meat production, we're usually sheltered from the brutality of the whole industry, so to read how the animals are disregarded so easily while being slaughtered (even if a flying fish), it was a bit unnerving for me. The hunters just dismissed the life of the poor thing so easily :(.

The dialogue really impressed me. It just came off as so natural, just like any conversation you'd hear in day-to-day life. The hunter's way of speaking in particular added to the smoothness. Though I doubt he's a main character, you could still find he had his own personality. Which really made the world seem more three dimensional. He was witty, and snarky. He had a one-liner and sentences that made me laugh a bit even though he was being serious. "Damn, ignorance is bliss." Even so, he showed himself to be more kind than I expected. From the incident prior leading to his introduction, I was certain he'd come off as cold-hearted.. maybe even stoic. But he proved himself to be none of those- especially when showing concern for Wendy, trying to make her promise to be careful from then on out. And then he even acted as a mediator between Wendy and his fellow hunter.

Wendy herself seems to be head-strong, driven by her emotions and passion. Although she does seem the sort to get carried away by it from time-to-time, she doesn't strike me as the type who would be completely irrational to the point of being unreasonable. This was shown with how she backed down (along with the hunter) at the end of their bickering. Even when she loses, she still wins. That's the type of person she seems like to me. I really did enjoy how you wrote her :D

Kozel is the character I'm absolutely adoring right now. While reading his POV throughout the chapter, I couldn't help but feel sorry for him- even though I was laughing while reading. He's the type of character I can sympathize with the most because I felt he was able to draw out the most emotion in me. Not saying that the other didn't, but Kozel seemed to do it the most. His loneliness seems to have taken a toll on him by the ay he speaks to himself. He's desperate for companionship, and I can't help but wonder: when he speaks to himself does he hope for a reply? Or is it just a way to fill the silence, and keep himself from falling deeper into despair? He's also very poetic, and a bit philosophical, isn't he? While trying to think if he was actually in hell, or while gazing at the fire and comparing it to "snuffing out his soul". I really liked that. The part that made me the most sorry for him, and also made me laugh louder than necessary was the bit when he added the oranges to the fire, only to have it go out completely. He's a bit dense as well, which makes me love him all the more! I am wondering though, he was low on resources- food being one of them.. yet he had a whole basket of oranges. Does this mean monsters can't eat anything besides meat? Or do they just prefer it, and over-look all the other food sources? 

The small mention of the war between humans and monster really piqued my interest, I hope you'll delve more deeply into that as the chapter go by! The cliff hanger you left on was a good hook! Though, to me, the hook was the entire chapter itself. Your writing has a certain charm to it. While it feels like reading a story book, it's more complex than any fantasy tale you'd see. Without too much description added, I somehow got such a clear picture of all your lovely characters. You have a talent for adding so much depth without drowning us with so many words! I'm very impressed by that. You don't force feed us things like most fantasy writers do. I loved this so far! Sorry for writing so much! :D

Your writing has vastly improved since your last draft, and in such a short amount of time. Colour me impressed!

Your descriptions were amazing, very vivid in the details. Though at some points it did seem a bit much, I could really see what you were going for. So well done there! 

I liked the intensity you put around Drean, he seems to have this air about him that just fills the room he's in. I guess that's his noble blood seeping through, he's the sort of lord that commands full attention and obedience. At least that's what I got from him while reading through this. 

I wonder why he wanted baby Dante dead? I felt bad for the mum :( But from the report Drean got, the baby is alive! So I'm assuming, anyhow. I really hope so!

I really, really, really enjoyed this. Like I said, your writing has improved a lot! Though there were a few mistakes I could point out, I think a quick read through it will help you find them. So I won't dwell on it. I'm more focused on how amazingly you did with this short, but sweet chapter. 

I'll be following it! :D

Your writing just gets better and better each time I read it, Danny! 

Where can I start? Onen is probably my favourite still. The name he chose for his sword is awesome. I can imagine him swinging it furiously towards all his enemies, and even those of his friends just to protect them. He seems like a loyal friend, and a true companion. I think Knowl and Onen have the sort of friendship that will last for ages. 

They're pretty resourceful aren't they? Very skillful. I was worried they'd be caught eavesdropping, but they weren't! And when they got away from the bandits.. that was a close call! Knowl is quite powerful in the magic department, didn't see that coming if I'm being honest! I thought he'd be the sword and shield-wielding type. But I guess not! It's a pleasant surprise. And Onen's use of the barrier spell impressed me, too!

Those damned guards kind of got me heated. How dare they mock them! I kind of wanted the bandits to win and take over Operitypr just to spite those guards who wouldn't listen. But I'm glad it didn't happen. :) 

As always, your story is going smoothly. I'll continue reading/ commenting.

Great job, Danny!

Pretty interesting so far! 

I have to say that this isn't usually the types of stories I read, but I'm liking what I've read. This 'Phoenix Industries' group seems to be pretty powerful, and whoever challenges them seems to be in for quite the brutal journey, I'm sure!

Besides that, all I really have to say concerning your writing would be to read it over. There are a few times where the tenses switch from present to past.

Other than that, good job! :) 

It didn't come off that way at all. First impressions, as they say, are everything. 

While you mentioned that it usually found in children's tales, I should let you know that was exactly what I was going for in this story. Unfortunately it seems I seemed to miss my mark there. Whoops! I'll have to take a look and see where it is I went wrong. 

You said it was the italics that threw you off, and while I appreciate your comment and advice, might I inquire why that is? It was very helpful don't get me wrong, I'd just like to know what about the italics that made it go awry.

Thanks so much again for your comment, Catherine!

'Not my forte' he says. Pffffft. You got this down to the T! I love how you've adopted the fantasy in its entirety. I really enjoy it :) 

This chapter is pretty significant! We really get to see how Knowl grew up after experiencing that terribly traumatic tragedy  he encountered with his parents. He's grown into an exceptional young man! A warrior amongst warriors- especially with his discovery of his being one of the great Eamersdr. It's a bit startling to think that they're still alive and well during this time period, when all they were before was nothing but a legend. I have to say, while I think Knowl seems more capable now then when he was a child, what drives him to move forward seems really dangerous. Revenge and ambition are never a good mix, and I'm a bit scared for him now :( 

I love Onen! He seems to be this really sullen kind of guy. Like the strong silent type with a dark past, and then we're hit with his amazing enthusiasm for swords when they go shopping for one. I loved it! He turned into a complete fan-girl there! It really adds depth to his character, and I love it!

The Ursupers are mentioned at last.. and even their names are creepy. They seem like such dark creatures, I can't wait for their next appearance.. but at the same time, I can. You really did a good job creating them!

I'm so glad you liked it! Your opinion on this story in particular is the one I look to the most :D I was afraid I might have butchered it, guess not! *phew

We'll definitely be learning more to the new additions of Sylvia's party. Jedrick, and Alvan will play key roles in it. However, Sylvia's chapter was merely played the role of being a prologue to get readers understanding just where about the world of Rongholdst had gone after the events of our story. So that'll be the only POV on her side that we'll get to see, unfortunately. In a way, it was me saying good-bye to writing her character :'(

The Giver and The Taker were a bit of a gamble for me as well. I wanted to make the temple seem as sacred as possible, and that seemed a bit impossible with simply writing a bit of atmosphere. So I threw them in there, and that's how they came out. I enjoyed them for the most part, and I'm going to leave them a bit open-ended. Are they Gods? Or are they simply a race forgotten in time like the Eamersdr? Even I don't know. The price Sylvia had to pay for gaining knowledge was steep. In order to learn something she had to teach something in return, so yes, her memories of Medea were completely taken away. 

And I think not. I'll kindly remind you that the concept of our collab was the one you made up :D And that you basically guided us through the plot. I just threw some ideas out there that stuck. So you were definitely the mad-genius behind the whole thing. Plus, you created the language. I applaud your brilliance, sir! 

Welcome back, Natalie! And as always: Thank-you kindly for the comment. :)

I'm glad you liked Guinevere! Honestly, I don't.. not so much, she's a bit boring to me. I was afraid of people seeing my dislike for her to shine through my writing, but I guess that's not the case! So that's a small blessing.

The sparring scene, yes, yes. I enjoyed writing that. I used it basically as a test to see how Mordred and Arwen should interact as characters, and that's what came out! I wasn't going to keep it in the story, but I enjoyed it so much that I hoped others might as well. I'm relieved that you did. And maybe you're not looking too far into things. I don't know. As of right now, I still don't know if there should be a thing between him and her. 

Agravain, that little poop is still amongst my favourite characters. I can make him do anything so he's as slippery to me as he is for you. He's a riot, and I love him. :)

I shall wait with bated breath for you next comment, thanks so much again!

Oh, of course! I didn't even see the connection, but Knowl is from the Ndnesski line! That's really interesting.. so the King on the throne we had written for our collab is some how related to Knowl? That awesome! 

And now we witness alongside poor little Knowl the horrors of war claim the people and things he loves :( That was a really intense scene, I swear I was squirming in my seat when reading. I was hoping that at least one of his parents would make it out safely with him! Lilyum seemed liked a warrior at heart to me. I loved how she stayed to protect and fight alongside Geoff- even if it meant her death. She was really brave, it was sort of inspiring. 

To be honest, Knowl seems a lot more naive than Dylan had when he first travelled to Rongholdst. But he is years younger than Dylan was, and kept in the dark about it. Where as Dylan at least had his fantasy novels and was eased into the world a bit more. So it's completely understandable. 

I really loved Knowl's guide, the elf. He seemed like a really good character, and I'm wondering if we might see him again during the story? He seemed like a man hardened by war, but still kind in his own way. Admirable even.

I got really excited when the Dryad's made an appearance as well! You really got how mystical those creatures are supposed to be. Even when the world was more connected with different species roaming freely- they still seemed like a complete mystery. Though a very kind mystery, which is exactly what I always pictured them as, so kudos! 

I have a question.. those things that were chasing them through the caves underground- what were they? They were creepy as hell, I swear it made my skin crawl. Or was that a question going to be answered in later chapters? 

Anyway, this chapter didn't disappoint! I loved the rising urgency as war came knocking down the innocence and seclusion of Oneal. Keep up the good work! :)

I loved the setting you had, a town by the sea was a great choice! It offers a lot of visuals while reading. 

A time skip? Please do it! It'll be an interesting plot point. I'd really like to see what kind of man Knowl grows in to. Especially with him wanting to be a knight! Did he just find a dream and followed his ambitions- or did he follow in the footsteps of his father! This story has so many possibilities already, it's great! :D

I can't wait till you introduce the usurper. I'm wondering what made him (or her) so ambitious to stride for gaining absolute power. Or if that was even their goal in the first place!  

 I got so excited when I saw on the front page, I had to read it right away.

Already I'm in love with Knowl. He's very naive but that's because he's so young, so I'm pretty sure his youth can be forgiven. I loved the bit where he hid under the sheets near the end because he was frightened, that was so adorable.

I can already see the seeds of war blooming into something much more.. it's kind of sad (knowing the history and all) to see the origins of the Eamersdr and knowing what comes next. But also very,very interesting! 

I can see where Geoff is coming from, and I can agree with what he's saying; Knowl should know about what's going on, he can't stay innocent forever, after all. As well as how he has a right to fear those with the sickness (I can't wait to see where you take that by the way!). However, I understand why Lilyem  wants the opposite. She's just trying to be a good mother to Knowl- let him enjoy his life and childhood. But I am leaning more towards Geoff's stance on the whole thing. And her wanting to help and heal their allies is a kind gesture, but there's a chance they might not be able to cure it at all- and that risks their world, too. 

I loved the cliffhanger. It's always a good way to leave someone eager for more! I'm excited to see the finished project. Good job, Danny! Cheers!

Yeah, I've been reading it over recently and noticed the random POV switches, too. It was my first attempt at writing a real full-length story, but looking back now I can see a whole lot that needs editing. 

And it's fine if you don't really follow the Arthurian legend. I know it's not exactly your type of genre to read. But I hope you can enjoy what I have (as messily written as it is) Thanks for commenting, it means a lot! :) I'll be sure to get around to fixing the little blips I have in the story some time soon.

I like how you can pick up on the angles I'm going for when writing my characters. 

I'm going to say: I think Agravain is probably one of my favourite characters to write, simple because it's so fun for me to write bad guys. I can literally make them do anything, and I wouldn't feel bad about it. I even might chuckle while writing it out, just to get in the zone when doing it. To be a bad guy you got to play the part, know what I'm saying? hahaha. 

Same with Mordred! In my head, he perceives himself as this 'cool and mysterious' guy who seems to be thoughtful, but in reality all the other characters just see him as an angsty brooding teen that they like to pick on and have fun with. (His brothers expecially) 

As for the romance, there's no easy way to let it simmer down between Lancelot and Arwen. I was in no way trying to taunt you by writing that, I promise. Though it is funny to watch you suffer the loss of it hahahaha. It is kind of a shame that they don't end up together. I think they would have done really well together, maybe formed a nice little family in their later years. Alas, 'twas not meant to be. :'( While my rendition of the Arthurian legend steers in a different direction, I have to keep true to some of the original plot don't I? 

I hope that the later chapters don't disappoint, and again; Thanks for commenting, Natalie!

I'm an avid fan of fantasy novels, so yours immediately caught my eye when I saw it in the 'Random Tale' section. 

Reading through the prologue, the concept presented was definitely an interesting one. Though I have seen dragon stories many times before, yours offered its own little spin on it with the lore you had. The connection between the speakers and the dragons seems like a bond not easily broken. It also seems like an everlasting one at that. The relationship formed between the two seems beneficial, though more so for the Speaker as they basically become immortal. I'm wondering what it is the Dragons get out of the bonding. The history and lore you have is very colourful and intriguing. Your story is well written and had only a few errors. It was a very captivating read especially since I'm in love with fantasy (as I've stated already), so this really caters to my taste in stories.

With that said there are just a few hiccups that I'd like to point out that might had deterred me from reading (though it didn't). You can change or keep your story as is, it's up to you really. This is me just trying to give a helpful comment :)

The first thing that kind of put me off from reading (again, it didn't) was the beginning.. It was a very interesting read, but it seemed more like a summary for the story- which would have been better suited to reading it in the more accommodating place for it: the summary. Even then, it seemed a bit long. If it was meant to be part of the prologue, I would had liked to read how the culture you've created works by having characters interact and showing us day-to-day life (or something to that effect), rather than have it all presented at once. It just seemed a bit too overwhelming to completely digest its entirety. 

Also, there were times your sentences seemed a bit long. They could have been made into separate sentences all on their own at one point or another, but they were instead continued by a comma. It just sort of seemed to drone out because of it. 

There are also a few errors I'd like to point out as well: 

"Torches burned into their holders and cast an eerie glow through.." Your story is told using past tense, therefore 'and cast an eerie glow' should be changed to accommodate and keep the constant.

"The room was a court room, or the equivalent of.." This sentence seems a bit repetitive. I would suggest just stating it was a courtroom. I think the readers would gather it was indeed one anyway by the following sentences you had stating a trial would be taking place there.

'He whispered into her braided locks and let out a shuttering breath,' - 'He smiled softly and pulled back, honest cobalt eyes searching her face before he spoke,' Your dialogue and the sentences leading up to it seemed a bit off to me. The sentences end in commas and then move on to the next paragraph where the dialogue is spoken. The ones I have stated there I'll use as examples. The first one should end with a period, and the second could be ended with a colon. (Or I imagine it would be so, if I'm wrong, please do correct me.) 

Example: ' He smiled softly and pulled back, honest cobalt eyes searching her face before he spoke: "We can be happy..." That's my suggestion for it anyhow. The writing of it in question is good, just the way it was placed seems a bit awkward, and so I'd say just take a quick look over that.

This is one typo, I'm sure- but since I'm on it: 'She stepped forwards and gently raised the blanket...'

And another tense mix-up I found : 'looked up into the scarlet orbs that now reflected his own, his once cobalt eyes now turned a brilliant copper color'  The word now describes the scenario as happening at present. I suggest just removing the word all together or change the phraseology. Example: '..looked up into the scarlet orbs that had begun to reflect his own, his once cobalt eyes then turned a brilliant copper colour'

I really did enjoy this story, and I'm going to keep up with it and read when I find time/ when you update it. I love it so far, there was a good bit of action you had going in the prologue. Also, your descriptions aren't bad, so that was a plus! It was just those few minor things that I had pointed out. I hope that helped. Cheers!

Thanks! I'm glad you liked it. I wanted to try something different, and this is what I came up with. It's a little harder to write out since it's not exactly what I'm used to, but I guess it's working since you enjoyed it! (phew)

Thanks for pointing out the errors, too! I tend to miss a lot of things when I read over my own work, so it's always helpful to get a second pair of eyes on things. I'll get to changing that! :)

I really like the character development you have going here. Lilith really opens up, and I think that's a great leap forward for her- considering how emotionally shut-down she was when we were first introduced to her. Ben as well seems to be changing slightly, he doesn't seem so stern as before. And we can somewhat see why he was so hostile to her before. 

And the romance! Can I just take a moment here to swoon, please? *Swoons

They seem to fit so perfectly together. While reading it I became flustered because of how intimate you made the scene. Not because it was sensual or scandalizing in any way- but because it seemed to be so tender, a moment made for only them. I felt like I was intruding on a private moment and had to turn my head away in the bashfulness I was feeling. 

And then we got hit with a cliffhanger! Darn it! Or should I say Ben did? Anyways, I loved this chapter! Job well done! :)

Cringe, cringe, cringe. Do you ever do that when reading your own writing? Might be just me.. Anyway, here I go!

'My short temper, was explained..' Me and these damn commas have this long going affair. I love them so much I sometimes put them where they're not needed. So expect a lot of my editing to be the removal of said perpetrators!

'It turned into something of a game. Like cat and mouse..' I was thinking of joining these sentences.. something like: 'It turned into something of a game, like cat and mouse chasing one another.' or it could be conjoined with the following sentence: 'Like cat and mouse- chasing one another; I, however, had quite enough of playing.' Whichever you think is best.

'I ducked and weaved, under fallen branches of the..' the comma..! I have a problem. I need to go to commas anonymous!

'I could only roll my eyes, as I pushed my way inside.' comma.

'Her silky golden hair was let loose, and brought forward upon her shoulder.' I feel like going on a crusade against my usage of the little devils. Not that I'm removing all of them! Only the ones that seem to disrupt the flow of the sentence- like the one mentioned. 

'I had minded her going through..' If I could make the request of italicizing the word had.. just to emphasize it a bit. :)

 'I could not understand the taste he, and Medea had acquired.' Comma.

'...never something of interest to me, that was Medea's fancy.'  I'm wondering about this sentence. I'm not sure if it's correct or not. Perhaps changing it to: '..those were things Medea fancied.' instead would be better. Again, I'm not the best at editing.

'She placed her mugwort tea upon the rickety old round table, that was of poor make..' Comma can go.

'It wobbled with the added weight, and I became fearful..' I'm thinking of altering the sentence to: 'It wobbled with the added weight; I became fearful..'

'He staggered over, panting heavily, and paying little mind to us.' Just remove the second comma. I think..

'Shouldn't you be searchin' for whoever you're supposed to be searchin' fer?' I really seem to go all over with how Arlen speaks. To keep it constant: 'Shouldn't ye' be searchin' fer whoever yer supposed to be searchin' fer?' (Side note: the way he speaks reminds me of a pirate LOl) 

'Then where is he, you sorry lout?' change the you to ye, as Arlen loves to keep his words as informal as possible. :)

'I secretly promised myself, for when next we met, I would..' Remove the first comma.

'At some points, my face would..' Comma.

'I was fond of my master, and assimilated..' Comma.

'And was wondering if you would aid me, by using a..' Comma.

'What? You could not use such a simple spell yourself?' Arlen.. choose and stick to a way to speak: 'What? Ye' couldn't use such a simple spell yerself?' 

'He would have far less wrinkles if he did not frown so much..' This should be italicized. 

'It was a small blessing, considering the circumstances.' Comma. 

'For added emphasis, I puffed myself up by placing  my hands upon my hips, and sucking in a breath.' I'm going to say change that to 'For added emphasis: I puffed myself up by placing my hands on my hips while sucking in a breath.' 

'Every time he appeared, his presence only grew stronger.' Comma.

'A bit of pity took root within me, as he genuinely seemed lost.' This could be changed to 'Pity had begun to take root within as he genuinely seemed lost.' 

'And so, to alleviate..' I'm just going to say remove the words and so. 

'...and with a stern look, I advised..' Comma.

'The light of the sun shone down upon us, with the clear skies hanging over head.The light of the sun had made the..' I made this sentence awkwardly repetitive.. The second sentence could be rewritten to: 'that very light had made..' or 'The suns rays had made..' 

'My cries fell upon deaf ears..' I used the word cried in the sentence prior to this one- which again, makes this one seem a bit repetitive. So we could try: 'My protesting(or protest) fell upon..' 

'Soundeg quite chipper than before while ooking about.' Major typo's there! I meant to write type sounding and looking. How did I end up with that? While we're on this sentence anyway, I'd like to rewrite it to: 'Sounding quite chipper- more so than before, while looking about..' 

Anywho, I think that's enough editing for me today. I take so long doing it, and I really do find it boring-- but necessary of course! I'll continue later! :D

Back on the editing scene, I'll do my best! Though I do tend to overlook a lot of things, so you might want to do a once over just to see if I missed anything, or if I got something wrong.

Also, before I start; Looking back on this, I never really realized how blindly we went into this. (Not saying it as a bad thing, because it was fun!) I mean we outlined the plot, but the way we developed it was completely winged. I loved doing the chapter by chapter thing, cause we were always throwing surprises at each other, and I think that's what made writing with you especially enjoyable! But that's enough rambling, I'll jump into the boring part: Editing- yuck!

'..and began to reminisce the dream I had last night.' this could be changed to 'the night before', or, 'the night prior'. 

'By the time Josephine and I saw him last week..' similar to the change above 'last week' can be changed to 'the week prior', or whatever you decide on. Something to that effect.

'...embracing Josephine and shaking my hand, a regular ritual by now.' I say.. maybe scratch the now part and change it to then, or just remove the last two words all together? Your choice! 

'He recognized her more and more now.' This sentence might be changed to 'He had been recognizing her more and more.' 

'But I knew now that the gesture was just an act.' this one is easily changeable as well :D with a simple swap of the word now for then.

'..capable of doing things for himself- at least for now.' maybe change it to 'at least for a time.' or something better than you can come up with. I'm searching my mind for suggestions, but I'm a bit slow today. So, sorry for my lack of helpfulness!

'Maybe it was a bad idea to come here.' perhaps you can change that to 'maybe it had been a bad idea to go and visit after all.'  

'She was already here.' just put a little t in front of here. :)

I think another reason why I'm bad at giving suggestions for changing sentences is mainly because I don't want to alter the voice of the writer. So I leave a bad suggestion and hope they come up with something better (which I know they will) and have it written in their own voice.

I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record! Just trying to help. I'll tear my own writing limb from limb I swear. But you know, your writing is spot on for the most part! I saw virtually no other errors in it. You're a marvellous writer, and I'm a fan as you already know! And this was also the introduction to my favourite character in the entire story. So, hooray!

No problem, Danny! Take your time, and good-luck writing your chapter! Can't wait to see the finished product :)

Thanks, Tigress! I'll go back and try to change some things to make it less confusing there, and I'll also see how I can throw some more dialogue into the mix! :) 

I'm glad you warmed up to her character! She ended up being one of my favourites as well when I wrote her. I have no idea how she grew on me like that, but she did. 

I'm sorry that Lancelot and Arwen aren't going to be a thing. I know you love them together but it just didn't feel right to me. You know the legend anyhow, and if it turned out like that, I would feel kind of obligated to make Lancelot have a sad ending. I didn't really want him to have an ending like that though, so I changed it for him to have a better outcome. 

Hopefully you'll start warming up to other aspects of it, like you did with Ninaine.

Thanks for commenting! :)

Thank-you! I'm glad you enjoyed it! I hope the other chapters are able to impress. :)

Thank-you both for commenting on my story. Both of your opinions are valid, and your advice has truly helped me improve my writing. I appreciate your honesty as well as the time you took to read and provide some input on my extremely un-edited story. Thank-you so much again! :)

It's okay if you're not too fond of her. If I'm being honest, I started off writing her as a character to hate. She was going to be a villain (ish) character, but then the more I started writing her, the more I began to like her. She turned out to be a flawed, insecure type of gal, but she is able to show support for Arwen later on. 

As for the romantic aspect of the story. Well, I don't want to spoil it but, I was all over the place there too. Sorry to say, Arwen and Lancelot don't end up happening. You're studying history, you know the legend, so you'll know why. Of course there is a definite romance set in stone with Lancelot and a girl you haven't come to yet (her name starts with a G) ;) As for Arwen, I don't know if she should have one or not. Too much romance sometimes makes me gag. I like just a fair amount. Once you read more, maybe you can tell me who you think she has the best chemistry with? I might consider your choice. Thanks again, Natalie!

The end? This is not the end, Richard. This is but the beginning.

You don't.. you don't love me? No, how can this be? I have always held your heart, someone surely has taken it from me! Who was it, Richard? Who stole you from me? 

I will not deny my adulterous ways, oh! How I've sinned, Richard! None of them could ever replace you, not a one! 

You are my everything, Richard! Do not slip away from me! Those were but idle threats, made to lure you back into my embrace! Oh, Richard! Be mine once more! I shall carve my own heart out and give it to you, should you ask it of me! I will give you the world, Richard! The world!

-Never stopped loving you, Xavier

Oh, I was there to witness those crocodile tears, Richard! Your sins against me will never fade away! NEvEr, Richard!

You think you know me? You never took the time to know how truly tender my heart was, but now.. you have trampled all over my heart. I am a monster now, Richard.. a monster!! It is all your fault, Richard!!

You are still my everything, and will always be my everything!! I cry for you, Richard. I pray for you, Richard!! I live for you, RICHARD!!

You have consumed every last bit of me. I am yours, until the end of time. Unfortunately, your time is coming to its end!

-Never far, Xavier

Do not speak your apologies to me, Richard! You play the wounded animal well, but we both know who you truly beneath that mask, Richard!! 

I have always upheld my honour! Not only have you tarnished it, but now you question its existence all together?! Richard!!

You will rue this day, RUE IT! You never truly loved me! You held me at arms length, strung me along like the dog I was made out to be! I am no longer your puppet, Richard! My strings have been cut! And now, I will cut you!

Richard, oh sweet Richard. How you've wounded me so! My knife has been polished, and sharpened just for this occasion! 

-Forever yours, Xavier

Richard!! How could you even say that? Move on? From you? Never, Richard! You are engraved on my SOUL. Richard, wherever you go, I will follow close behind. Never will you go without feeling my breath down your neck.

Beware, Richard. You have hurt me, and now.. I shall return the same courtesy.

Hush now, Richard. One day, when all is said and done.. when the pain has subsided, we will be able to start anew, in a different life. But we are who we are, and right now, I will have my vengence. 

-With all my heart, Xavier

Richard!!! Your letter pains me, Richard! How dare you insinuate such rubbish? You tarnish my honour! Richard!!! I will not forget this insult! 

-Xavier

This is pretty dark. I love how you showed how depression can find it's way to anyone, even if they have a decent life. You also portrayed just how confusing it can be to suffer from it, and just how painful it can be. 

You got some humour in there as well- which I loved. It was really sad, yet it had me chuckling at a few points. The way she thinks is just so hilarious, specially how she tried to make it all poetic. That was a great touch! I usually do tend to enjoy dark-humour more than anything, so this was a plus for me.

Your writing it really simple, too! Everything seemed to flow smoothly, and it also got to the point. 

I really enjoyed seeing that there was a bright out-come to the story. Though you were very vague about the ending. Will she attempt to do it again? Or did she find that she wants to continue living? I guess it's up to the reader to make sense of it all. 

Good job, Natalie! Love you writing so far! 

Thanks! I did my best to make Claudas as unlikable as possible. As well as trying to portray Lancelot as this fearful guy who tries to cover it under everything else. 

Also, don't worry about coming off as a history nerd. Those are the greatest types after all, and I'm glad I have someone like you reading through my story.

I actually intentionally wrote her name as  Ninaine. There are so many renditions to the Arthurian Legend, and with that came all these different portrayals of one character. I had used the name Nimueh previously, to somewhat characterize the Lady of the Lake. I decided not to make it turn out like that, however.

There were so many portrayals of that character; Nimueh, Niniane, Viviane, Morgaine, Elaine.. etc, etc. I couldn't decide, so I just took two names and mashed it together. It was lazy, but I liked the outcome. That's basically how the name Ninaine (Niniane + Morgaine/Elaine) came to be. I'm done ranting, but I hope that answered your question :)

I loved this chapter! Lots of great moments between Lilith and Ben :D 

Poor Nathaniel though.. and you left it on such a cliffhanger! I'll be here waiting for the next chapter. 

Thanks for taking time out of your day to comment, Natalie! I really appreciate it, and I hope every other chapter continues to satisfy! :)

Thank-you! I'll make the changes as soon as I start my editing.

You have a talent for descriptive writing, seriously it's really good! Your chapters are  short, but I got such satisfaction from the two I have read so far. It has to be mentioned; I'm a sucker for anything remotely close to the Arthurian Legend, so as soon as I saw your story, I couldn't help but read it. And I'm really glad I did!

I love the ending of this chapter, I really didn't see that coming at all. But I suppose looks can be deceiving- as the tale goes. I literally gasped at the twist, am I being biased here because it has to do with magic, or is your writing honestly that good? My guess? It's both. So, bravo!

I'm just going to jump right into the edit on my chapter.

That is one long sentence in the second paragraph! Even if I put commas, I think it would look more presentable if we broke it down into smaller portions; 'I was merely a girl of ten at the time, one could only imagine how truly scarring that could be. Especially when ones own mother would approach, and be sure to tell you that much of the same would be expected of you.' That seems better placed to me, then what I had  put down.

Paragraph 9, line 1: 'a curse for madness..' I should have made that in italics, as it was her thinking it. I'm really bad at managing that in my writing. 

Paragraph 13, line 1: 'It had soon been made clear to me what he had miffed him so.' Huh??? I don't think it quite came out as I intended for it to.  'It had soon been made clear as to what had miffed him so.' That seems so much better.

Paragraph 15, line 2: I had written- 'I had always fancied meeting astatyr, even befriending thinking of befriending it long before..' Oh lord have mercy. I need to learn how to form a coherent sentence. This should be changed to- ' I had always fancied meeting a satyr, even hoping to befriend one...' 

Paragraph 41, line 1: 'Power or no, Pixies curses were a powerful thing.' Sounds repetitive (as is my forte). Could change it to; 'Power, or no. Pixie curses were a force to behold.'

Paragraph 42, line 1: I forgot to do italics again, for her thoughts. Silly me. And in line 4, I made a typo; '....only evidence of out tumble' meant to type our tumble.

Bleh, I'm going to challenge myself next chapter I write. I'll try to keep a minimum of five mistakes!

It's so true! 

I can't wait to read it, I'm dying to know what's going to happen next. I'm as in the dark about it as the next person! The longer the better, I say! Can't wait to meet the character!

Okay, before I go off on a tangent here- can I just express how much I liked this chapter? Cause I really did. I got all excited when Dylan returned to Rongholdst for a second time. I also really liked his friend, Jacob! I laughed when he teased Dylan about his sketches. Anyways, here I go!

Paragraph 4: It's only one line, but maybe that should be moved down to when Dylan actually reaches the school. That way he can go on to describe as to why it indeed was a curious school.

Paragraph 10, line 2: 'I fought to stay awake, promised myself that tonight..' maybe to make it flow smoother, we could try changing it to 'I fought to stay awake, promising myself that I would get catch an early night..'

Paragraph 10, line 7: 'Jacob and I go way back.' I'm not sure if I'm right here, as the suggestion I'm about to write, and the way you have phrased it both seem correct to me. But here's my what I think it should be changed to- 'Jacob and I went way back.' as you can see, it's the tenses that have changed. But I'm not sure if Dylan is still friends with Jacob to date or not. Or if that matters? I think I'm confusing myself, moving on!

Paragraph 14, line 7: this one is such a minor issue, but might as well mention it, since I need to be precise when editing. 'frustrated, i crumpled up the offending..' Basically the F in frustrated needs to be capitalized, as well as I.

Paragraph 43, line 3: '...catching on something, I mustn't be able to witness..' I'm thinking of tweaking that to read- '...catching on something, I couldn't have witnessed..' Just a thought.

I'm really surprised at how few mistakes we have, usually I come out with a lot when working on my own individual stories. I think we have a good duo going on here! 

Alright, I guess it's time to dissect my own work.. Keep in mind- I'm going to be writing this completely unfiltered, so I'm sorry if my thoughts come out in a jumbled mess.

So, right off the bat, I cringed at how I started the chapter. I'm not sure if I was to forthright in trying to convey that she was from a different world. Or maybe I'm just being far too picky, I don't know. Tell me what you think.

First paragraph, line 2: I think I could make this into two sentences, rather than it dragging out; 'I had been instructed to meditate by the fire of my mentors home, how was I to do so, if he and his granddaughter refused to bless me with the silence I required?' Maybe we could change it to - 'I had been instructed to meditate by the fire of my mentors home. How was I to do so, if he and his granddaughter refused to bless me with the silence I required?'  I don't know.. looking at it now, they both seem a bit off to me.

Below the third paragraph I had written: 'I really have had enough of this' which is written in present tense. Of course, I give advice at writing, and yet I don't practice what I preach. It should be made in italics to show it is her thought process. If not, it should be changed to past tense. 'I really had enough of them.' or something to that affect.

Alright with the the dialogue.. I think I can make it flow smoother. It was : 'Why can you not be happy for me? I have only just pursued my dreams, just as you have always told me to do!' I used the word just twice, and placed them very close together. It made the sentence come off as repetitive. So maybe we can change it to : 'Why can you not be happy for me? I have only pursued my dreams, just as you always to me to!' I also got rid of a bit of unnecessary words, I think it works better this way.

Paragraph 7, line 5: I used the word my twice. 'It had been my my mother..' (I laughed at myself when I read that)

Paragraph 12, line 1: I made the sentence sound completely repetitive (again)- 'We shared a look, he had looked quite bemused.' Perhaps we can change it to- 'We shared a look, a bemused expression riddled his usually jovial face.' 

Paragraph 14, line 3: I'm thinking we get rid of the and  in the sentence- 'But the sounds of pleading could be heard, >and< they had sounded much closer than before.'

Paragraph 17, line 2: 'It hadn't been realized by me, just how cold it had become.' Something about how I phrased that seems off. We could try- 'I hadn't realized how cold it had become.' pretty simple. 

Anyways that's all I could find for now. I'll go over it again, just to make sure.

Okay, here I go with critiquing our work! I'll try to remain as unbiased as possible, I promise. 

(Quick side note, the opening is so amazing to me. Maybe when we finish writing, you can turn that into something on its own.)

Paragraph 4, Line 7: Changing the word from here, to there. As it is past tense in which the story is being told.

Paragraph 23, ling 6: Dylan is describing his favourite authors and their works. Christopher Paolini- who wrote Ergaon, and Stephen King- who wrote a number of fantastic works (11/22/63 being my favourite) but it was George R.R Martin who had wrote the GoT series. 

And the following paragraph; when speaking of his mother, Dylan surmises that his mother is working on a project that is close to a deadline : 'a project must be due soon' - this is spoken in present tense, which could be that he is thinking it, and not describing it. In which case the phrase should be the start of a new paragraph and typed in italics. Or, it should be scripted in past tense: 'a project must have been due soon' 

When Dylan is describing his reoccurring dream; 'I've always had the same dream, and tonight was no exception.' Tonight should be changed to that night. Just to keep it all constant. 

Okay, for the most part, I think we did pretty well (considering it was unedited).  

I love Dylan, he's so easy to connect to. Especially as a lover of fantasy. He's got this way about him-- where he cares about things, but doesn't really want to, you know what I mean?

I can't wait till he breaks free, and actually gets excited about something, and not be judged by his enthusiasm towards it.

Speaking of, I just realized how much I actually dislike Aunt Josephine. She's so critical of Dylan (more so than anyone else) she actually irks me. Which is a good thing! If someone can invoke that emotion out of the person who's reading, then that means the character is well written! 

Thank-you! I'm glad you're enjoying the story thus far. I will admit; chapter two is one of my least favourite in the entire story. (That's not a good thing, especially since it is still this beginning) So I don't blame you at all for thinking it was lacking that certain 'oomph', 'cause I agree with you.

I like to think it only gets better as the story progresses, and I think you'll agree with me there? (Hopefully)

Thanks again for reading, as well as taking the time to comment!

Hope your updates are regular. I am absolutely in love with your descriptive writing style! Can't wait to read more!

Wow! I really enjoyed the premise! You set up the world so smoothly, with just that short chapter, I felt like I knew most of what there is to know! I'm definitely adding this to my favourites. Keep up the good work!